#unmasking has given me back SO MANY SPOONS
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ultravioart · 2 years ago
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Self reflection with Art
Man, I keep wanting to draw Marvin in WoY style, Dominion Au stuff, Star Wars Ocs, maybe even some Ramattra art, but I get insecure about the quality of it. My whole plan to 'post art at the end of each month' backfired because: 1: Deadlines make my brain procrastinate due to past traumatic experiences with school/work deadlines when I fell extremely ill (yes I met 95% of the deadlines, but it left me with debilitating burnout that took years to recover from. Thanks dysautonomia, spoon debt is REAL). So this January with my new "post at the end of the month" plan, instead of drawing all the time like I usually do with no pressure to post, I procrastinated, and mostly drew within the last 3 days of the month because I felt pressured by my set deadline. This was not helpful lol, I'll try something different going forward. But within that procrastinating, it did allow me to take a long break from my PC set up, and explore different activities more. Like cooking, learning to crochet, self care (meal prep, research into foods, research into how to care for my hair texture), research in general on topics I find interesting, and deeper life discussions face to face with the people in my household. I think I will include more "days off" from my art set up so that I can dedicate full days to other activities going forward. Sometimes you have to take one day at a time with POTS (dysautonomia), and that's okay. Some days you can't draw, and that's okay too, no need to force it because you REALLY want to create art right then and there. 2: looking back on the art I did draw, I didn't post it at the end of the month because I felt it wasn't "quality" enough to post. It was quick sketching with shape use I didn't like enough, or line quality I didn't like. I have to remember that posting is better than not, and it doesn't matter if I think it sucks. So what? There's nothing to be ashamed of. Going through this internal discourse, it did suddenly remind me that I draw VERY fast, and what would take someone underdrawings + line art to look like a nice doodle, I genuinely just doodle something out in less than a minute that looks like a nice doodle. So, there is no need to beat myself up if my less than a minute art isn't perfect lol. Not every day I can physically draw, and that's okay. Those low days I can just create a prep of ref, or scribble stick figures so I at least remember what the comic was so I don't forget the idea.
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freckliedan · 1 year ago
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hi jam! recently i've taken two different autism questionnaires on two different occasions and i've scored really high on both ... but i know that i used to be super talkative when i was little ... i'm not going to get diagnosed bc it'll stay with me, but how do i Know? and what do i do with that?
hey anon! sorry for my delay on this reply, i'm at my new main @unloneliest most of the time & don't have the most spoons as of late.
i'm also self diagnosed without any desire for a professional diagnosis! what to do with it? that's up to you.
personally, just being able to understand myself as autistic, to name the things i struggle with and describe the functioning of my brain—that has made a huge difference in my life. there's a lot of parts of who i am that felt like unique failings: things Everybody could do that I just Couldn't when i tried to follow mainstream methods. when i was focused on societal metrics of success, i was doomed to failure.
i'm happier and more confident and comfortable, now that i know i'm autistic. i've given myself permission to figure out what i actually want in life, and to not expect myself to get there by the same means someone who's neuroconforming can. (i can give examples on this if anyone's interested but don't want to be too longwinded!)
how to Know For Sure you're autistic when self diagnosed? peer review. <-silly way of saying connect with community. a LOT of autistic folks are self diagnosed—diagnosis is both inaccessable to many and is something many others do not want.
i used to always preface with "probably autistic, self diagnosed" for a very long time. i also used to run multiple groups for queer youth at a nonprofit in my town. i stopped with the prefacing when a neurodivergent teen heard me doing it yet again—probably about dan and phil being a special interest tbqh—and was like "denney, you don't have to do that. you're autistic".
who needs diagnosis when u have the honesty of a teen?
no but seriously. i figured out i was autistic thanks to @asterlark (then a mutual, now my roommate) posting about autism back in our check please days, and there are a lot of autistic folks / orgs online that were super helpful resources while i was figuring things out for myself:
ASAN, the autistic self advocacy network
AWN, the autistic women and nonbinary network
@drdemonprince 's blog & writing—i've only had a chance to read its essays so far, but am seriously looking forward to reading unmasking autism
& you can find so, so many more folks when you start looking into connecting w the autistic community. if you're interested you can look thru my autism tag on my other main blog, too.
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hgamesfan · 6 years ago
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Unmasked ~ Sixteen
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Written by: ~ M ~
Prompt #88
Rating: E (Explicit) This fic will contain consensual sexual content; mild language; discussions of injuries, illness, and amputations in a historical setting; discussions of miscarriage; discussions of minor character suicide; references to non consensual sexual situations.
My thanks to the moderators of @everlarkficexchange for always running an entertaining event, and for playing along with a little fun and mystery. Also my thanks to @hgamesfan and everyone else who has offered up their inbox for submissions. Please enjoy the sixteenth chapter of this adventure. Previous installments can be found here. Regards,
~ M ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~ Chapter 16 ~~
After my talk with my father, I am strangely full of nerves. I manage a bath and change of dress, although given the uproar the house is in, Mary is not available to help me dress, and so I wear an older dress, something simple and loose that does not require a corset. I wrap a light shawl about my shoulders, feeling oddly bare without the undergarment, and spend a few moments in the study, attending to tasks left neglected while Peeta and I were caught in the stables. In truth, the tasks could wait until tomorrow, but I am not certain I wish to be near anyone right now, my head awhirl with so many thoughts and the enormity of the events of today. The tasks do not take long, however, and I then return to my parents’ rooms in time for yet another uproar.
“Really, Kent. We can have dinner brought up to you,” my mother insists.
“Darling, you know I respect your opinion as a healer but this is too much,” my father argues, hobbling from his room with the aid of a cane, garbed in a dressing robe and slippers. “I have been bedridden for months and will continue to be so no longer. It is a simple trip down the stairs and then dinner. Nothing to it.”
“Perhaps some assistance the first trip down the stairs,” I suggest then.
“Pish, child. Will my own daughter now dictate my actions? I am not an invalid any more. Step aside.”
“Kent–”
“Cease your fussing.”
My mother purses her lips and retracts her hands from my father. My throat constricts. I have no memories of my father speaking to my mother or to me thus. With such…anger and annoyance. No memories of them fighting so openly, nor of him scolding me. It is not like him at all.
He approaches the stairs and, for one breathless moment, sways precariously. Gasps fill the air and then Peeta’s there, grasping my father by the elbow to steady him. Father glares at Peeta.
“It changes the balance.”
“Twas not a leg,” my father argues and Peeta nods.
“Do you hold your arms stationary when you walk then?” My father ponders this for a moment and then shrugs.
“I suppose not,” he concedes.
“It takes time to adjust. Which hand do you write with?”
“The right,” my father says.
“That is most fortunate. You’ll not need to relearn writing. Other tasks may require some adjustment, but no matter, they are still possible,” Peeta says as he takes one step, exceptionally slow. “It took me at least three months to learn to walk properly again. Learning again how to ride a horse turned out to be easier, once I could manage to get in the damn saddle. And stairs…well that is a more recent accomplishment.”
“You did not sleep on the ground floor… on a sofa, for months, did you?”
“No, but there are other ways besides walking to ascend and descend the stairs…have you watched a toddler learning to take them? The way they sit and use their arms more than their legs?” At this, my father actually laughs.
“Apologies. I mean no offense,” he says.
“Of course not. Small victories are in truth not such small accomplishments with a missing limb.”
Peeta continues talking as they descend, one step at a time with Peeta supporting my father. Peeta tells another story of the first time he tried to ride a horse after his amputation and my mother clutches at her throat with one hand and my arm with the other as we follow their sedate pace. A concerned footman moves to assist, but Peeta waves the man off as Father laughs again at the image Peeta paints of himself relearning how to walk and how to mount a horse with his tone humorous rather than piteous.
“Then I found Cicero and that changed everything,” Peeta explains, prompting my father of course to ask about Cicero.
Absorbed in their talk as it shifts to horseflesh and how Peeta and Joe trained Cicero, my father and my husband safely reach the landing. My father is intrigued, I can tell, at this idea of training a horse to bow to assist in mounting. Father is short a hand and will need to learn how to mount one handed or make similar adjustments.
He wheezes and pauses at the foot of the stairs, reaches out for Peeta to steady himself.
“I do not recall there being so many stairs in this house,” Father says.
“You should try them with a wooden leg sometime.” My father stares at Peeta for a moment and  then chuckles. The sound is wondrous and then he nods, seeming to reach some sort of conclusion.
“Perhaps some assistance into the dining room,” he says. “At least until I am more recovered.”
Two footmen hurry forward and I hear Peeta whisper, “Small victories, Mr. Everdeen,” then he leaves my father in their care. Beside me, my mother releases a heavy breath and my heart begins to beat normally again. We reach the first floor and my mother lets go of me to grasp Peeta’s face. She pulls him down to kiss his cheek and then hurries after my father.
Peeta offers his arm to me and I stare at him rather than take it. I stare until his cheeks turn pink and he lowers his proffered arm. Then I finally ask what I need to know. “Why would he listen to you and not his wife nor his daughter?”
“How often do you use two hands for a task? Eating? Bathing? Dressing? Reading a book? Working in the fields?” My cheeks burn as I begin to understand what Peeta means. “There is no aspect of his life that will be left untouched by this and that is a difficult thing to accept, especially when one has no knowledge of the amputation until much later. You, your sister, your mother, the servants, even Madge, have all known him as an active and independent man. Now he requires assistance or time to relearn simple tasks. He will want to do these things on his own, to prove to himself and to everyone in his life that he is no less of a man.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?” His eyes flash in the dim lighting of the hall and I see in them the challenge. The dare to deny that what he says is true. “If you do not believe me, then hold your left hand in your lap tonight for the entire meal. See how well you can slice your meats and wield a knife one handed.”
And the trouble is, Peeta is right. I cannot imagine the amount of pride my father will need to swallow tonight in asking assistance to cut his food, like a child. We could rage about the unfairness of it all, but my father is a man of strong constitution and of strong convictions. He always has been and I know that while the road may not be smooth, I have hope he will travel it successfully. Perhaps with some help.
I loop my arm through Peeta’s then, my fingers curling around his bicep. Angry with myself for not understanding my father’s psyche, yet grateful for how steady Peeta is now, for how quickly he responded upstairs to prevent another disaster. I only wish I had thought to act sooner. I would have thought that concern might be easier to accept from a daughter than a stranger, but then again, perhaps not. Peeta has never known my father until today. Perhaps this is another role tailor made for my husband. Doctor Aurelius has said repeatedly that Peeta’s experience would be invaluable in helping my father adjust. Tonight’s scene must be precisely what the doctor referred to.
“I shall talk to Mrs. Chilton tonight about perhaps adding more stews, dishes eaten more with spoon or just a fork, and tender meats, to the menu for the upcoming weeks. Fish is easily sliced with just a fork is it not?” I say quietly as we enter the dining room. Madge and Prim are already here.
“Yes. Yes it is.”
Dinner is a strange, informal affair. There is father in his dressing robe and slippers, myself in my faded walking dress and shawl. The other ladies of my family have been so absorbed in the excitement over Father’s recovery that none bothered to change from their day dresses. Of our party, Peeta is the only one both freshly washed and formally garbed for a usual dinner.
For months now, our seating arrangement has been fluid and shifting, although Peeta would usually sit beside me. With father back at the head of the table, Primrose has seated herself in her old position, leaving the seat to father’s immediate left open for me. Peeta sees me seated in my old chair, between father and Prim, and moves around to the other side of the table, to sit in between my mother and Madge. I shift in the chair, for some reason unsettled. At least I am not the only one. Peeta appears suddenly ill at ease.
Mother, however, appears to have recovered from our fright on the stairs. She glows brighter than the candles. I have not seen her so happy in months. Primrose is full of stories and news, and thankfully she mentions Rory Hawthorne, which shifts Father’s focus of concern from my romantic interests to hers, as well as to the matter of inheritance.
Otherwise the mood is light as Madge and Primrose swap stories across the table of recent months mingled with those of a more distant past, with stories of our youth, ones that my father laughs at. He even refrains from commenting at his much different meal – a bowl of broth, another of tender cooked apples, and a crust of bread. I am relieved to see him accepting the doctor’s orders at least and the dishes tonight for him do not require a knife.
The stories, however, only seem to push Peeta further into his state of quietude.
My hand in my lap grasps tightly to the folds of my skirt as I eat, blowing gently on my vegetables to cool them before consuming, watching my husband across the table as he withdraws further into himself and wondering if our path together will ever be straightforward.
There is no denying the joy I feel at Father’s revival. His laughter and loving presence have been sorely missed. Several hours ago, I would have given anything to bring him back to us. Now that he has, I wonder if the cost will be what little gains Peeta and I have made in our relationship. Yet, I cannot see why that should be.
“The Doctor says I am not to ride for at least a week, until I gain my strength back a little, but I cannot stay confined to bed. Tomorrow, Katniss, we shall take a cart and you can drive me about the estate. Show me what you have been up to.”
“Are you certain that is wise, Kent?” Mother asks, worry plain in her voice. I should have Peeta speak to her as well and perhaps help explain Father’s mental state.
“I think it necessary. I’ve been abed for months. It is high time I cease being so lazy. Katniss, what say you?”
“Of course, Papa,” I agree immediately, before I realise that the invitation did not include Peeta, and what my father proposes is something that Peeta and I have taken to doing together since…well since my father could not.
I briefly catch Peeta watching me before his eyes return to Madge and he speaks quietly to her, answering whatever question it was that she asked him. I did not hear and I am not sure that I care. There is a sudden tightness in my chest and a sense that he is somehow slipping away from me, just as we had begun to truly understand one another.
The dinner is excellent, and most are in high spirits as we adjourn to the drawing room. My father is ensconced on a settee, my mother fussing over him while he pretends to be annoyed by her attentions. His quick swings between accepting and rejecting help will be difficult to deal with, but we will manage, I tell myself. We must.
Prim sits at the piano and my father asks me to sing. I cannot turn down such an entreaty, and soon become engrossed in the music.
It is after the third song we perform, as my father applauds with enthusiasm, that I realise our audience is short one person. I hadn’t even noticed Peeta slip away. Wherever did he go? When did he leave? Does he find my singing deplorable? I have been told that my voice is quite pleasant, beautiful even.
I am not given a chance to investigate, however as that is when my mother yawns, insisting that she is much too tired for further amusements. I hurry from the room as soon as I see that Father is willing to accept assistance from one of the footmen in escorting my mother to their rooms.
My mother’s protests follow me, but I hear my father’s calm voice halting her objections. “Let her go, dear. They are still sorting through what it all means.”
I shake my head, confused at what exactly my father is referring to. My feet carry me from one room to the next until I find Peeta in the study, bent over the desk and sorting through a stack of parchment.
“Is my singing voice so dreadful to you?” I ask and he startles.
“Katniss!” His hands scurry to order his papers. “I did not hear you enter.”
“Hunter’s tread and soft slippers,” I say as he finally holds the stack behind his back where I cannot see them, not quickly enough, however. I spot the edges of what is clearly one of Peeta’s drawings. “What are you doing in here?”
“Your voice is beautiful,” he says then, finally meeting my eyes and holding my gaze for the first time since we entered the dining room. “The first day I heard you sing…even in your sadness your voice was mesmerising. I think even the birds outside cease their song to listen to yours.”
“That is a pretty piece of flattery,” I say, my cheeks warming as I maneuver to trap him against the desk. “But it does not answer my questions, husband.”
“I did not wish to intrude further on a family evening,” he says. My feet halt as I recall something he once said to me in our bed at night.
I am used to being unwanted.
“I came in here to clean out my mess, make the drawer available again and–”
“And what? Strike your presence from our lives?” Such a question would normally come forth with venom in my voice, but I think I begin to understand my husband and what motivates him, perhaps even the direction of several of his thoughts.
“I am aware that I am no longer necessary to you, Katniss. The only reason you sought a marriage was in case your father should die, and now he is thankfully recovered.”
“Not entirely. You could help him, as doctor Aurelius said.”
“And I will. I shall also endeavor to not cause problems for you. As it turns out, you needn’t have married anyone at all.”
“Tis a little late for regrets and second thoughts now, don’t you think?”
“Yes, well. I told you we should have stopped,” he says. “You should be with your family now, Katniss. Tis a joyful thing, your father returning to you.”
And that for some reason, triggers my anger. The idea that I could celebrate even as Peeta withdraws from me, the thought that perhaps he now regrets what transpired between us in the stables when I cannot, that implications in his words that Peeta is somehow not a part of my family. I reach around him and snatch a handful of papers before he can respond. Several of them are torn from both our grips and flutter to the floor. Peeta makes a sound of protest and grasps at me, but I am too quick and move out several steps out of his reach.
“Are these for the plant book?” I ask. “Why would you hide them?”
“They’re not for the plant book,” Peeta says and his words halt my feet. I watch as he carefully bends to retrieve the rest from the floor.
“Then…what are they?” He sighs heavily and I hold them close to my chest. “May I see them?”
“You may as well,” he mutters and waves a dismissive hand at me. I scowl but glance down at the one on top of the stack.
My heart stops.
Only for a moment as I stare at the drawing in my hand and flip to the next and then it roars back to life.
Me. They’re drawings of me. All of them. Here I am smiling, lounging in the garden, head tipped up to absorb the warm rays of the sun. There I am riding Sagittaria with a serious mein and then with laughter on my lips. Perched in a tree with a book and my skirts draped towards the ground. Another of me with head bent and eyes half closed, lost in contemplation. In my nightgown, feet curled up beneath me in my chair as I gaze into the fire, a glass in my hands. Pouring tea with a scowl on my face. Playing happily with Maysilee. Walking and sharing secrets with Madge. Several studies of eyes and braids and even my hands holding a bow. At least two dozen sketches, all exquisitely drawn with ragged edges on their left side. Torn from a book, I realise.
I am too stunned to speak at first. My upset and jealousy – yes I will admit now that I was hurt and jealous that Peeta seemed to use everyone and everything in his life as a model for his art except for me — is now proven so very wrong and ill founded.
“Why…why would you hide these?” The words stick to my throat like stale bread.
“Things were uncertain enough between us. I did not wish to make you uncomfortable with my obsessive scribbles,” he says, finally catching me as I have not been able to move since looking at the first drawing of me. He reaches for the papers in my hands and I hold them to my chest, out of his reach.
“Why do you draw me like this?”
“Like what?” he asks, and I can hear the frustration in his voice.
“As though you find me beautiful! Or hold me dear to you!”
He laughs then, although there is little humour in it. “Are you mocking me?”
“I think you mock me, sir. All your pretty words about my singing and the things you said to me in the stables today…yet you would hide these from me? Give up on our marriage?”
“I am not giving up on our marriage!”
“But you are withdrawing from it. Are you not? That is what this is about, lessening your presence in our lives.”
“It’s clear that other than assisting your father adjust, I am no longer needed here, and that will only be a temporary requirement. He will get better, and soon. Therefore –”
“You are needed! I need you!”
Peeta is finally silent then. As am I, as the truth of the words manifests in my chest. I have come to rely on him in so many ways I can scarcely take stock of them, not just in helping to care for my father. Our lives have become…entwined. He remains silent as I hand the drawings back to him.
“You made me beautiful,” I accuse again. “I am scarred and you have made me beautiful.”
“I did not. I draw you as I see you. You are already beautiful. Scars could never change that.”
“Then perhaps you need spectacles,” I say as he shuffles the papers together and sets them on top of the desk.
“I assure you, my eyesight is perfect.”
“Really? Such a claim to make when you are blind to what is right in front of you. Circumstances have changed since our betrothal.”
“Yes, I am aware,” he says with frustration and a hand in his hair.
“Therefore I think it time we re-examine the terms of our alliance.”
“Of course, madame. As you wish,” he says, with a slight incline of his head. All business and aloof, perfunctory.
“Grant me patience! You are insufferably noble sometimes.” I grasp his hand and drag him from the room. Up the stairs as he questions what I am doing. I do not stop, nor do I answer him until we are in our chambers.
Mary stands, wide eyed, from a seat by the fire. “Mrs. Mellark, I–”
“Your services are not needed tonight, Mary. Enjoy the evening,” I say, uncaring what sort of servants’ gossip my actions will unleash. She curtsies and races from the room with one astonished look over her shoulder at me. I shut the door in her wake and lock it. There will be no interruptions tonight.
All of my bravado vanishes when I face Peeta.
Despite the fact that we consummated our marriage in the stables today – oh good heavens! I consummated my marriage in a bed of horse food. Father Crane was quite right in calling me a tart when I was fifteen and still running around in breeches. Now my transgressions have taken on a new form and my cheeks burn as Peeta stands there and waits. Clears his throat and watches me expectantly.
“Now what, madame?”
His insolent smirk gives me a conduit for my frustrations and I stand tall, lifting my chin to deliver my next words.
“Now you take me to bed.”
I am left reeling by my own words. That is not at all what I meant to say! and Peeta’s lifted eyebrows reveal that it is not what he expected to hear me say.
“It’s a little early for that. What will the servants say?” I scowl at this, at the knowing look in his eyes that tells me he has determined my dislike for being the topic of gossip in the kitchens.
“I have had a most trying day. How do you know I am not seconds away from hysteria and need to take to my bed?”
“I rather doubt that, Katniss. As you have told me repeatedly, you are not so fragile. Try again.”
“I need a reason to take my husband to bed?”
“I’m not certain that it is a good idea, given–”
“Of course it is. You take me to bed, removing my corset this time. Don’t think I didn’t notice you neglected to remove my clothing this afternoon–”
“I was concerned with being discovered. I thought it wise to leave you somewhat dressed in case we needed to respond with haste.”
“Yes, well that is a fine excuse, but I have locked the door and we are husband and wife. What we will do in our bed is quite expected.”
“Quite expected,” he says and takes a few hesitant steps towards me. He gazes down at me with fire in his blue eyes. “How very…responsible of you, madame. You are playing pious again, hiding behind duty. Or is that what you truly want? The way you were today in the stable, and last night, was that all an act to convince me to consummate this sham of a marriage? To perform my duty to you?”
“No,” I deny, unable to tear my eyes away from his mouth, nor my mind from the memory of what extraordinary things that mouth has done to me, even as my heart aches at his words. “And our marriage is no sham!”
“Then what happens tomorrow morning? What am I to you then? A nuisance?”
“You are my husband, my partner, my…” I gasp out and lift my eyes to his. He seems a little stunned. I fill the silence with words I cannot seem to stop. “I expect you to wake beside me tomorrow and perhaps kiss me before we dress, then break the fast with me. I expect you to plan adventures with Maysilee while we eat and to be there for her as you have been. She has come to love and rely on you and I will not see you break her heart. I wish to work more on our book, as we were…distracted today and did not accomplish much on it.” As I speak, my words gain strength and conviction. “I want you to ride with me, and my father tomorrow, to help me show him how we have cared for our home and to see to any pressing needs. You are expected at dinner and then in whatever family amusements claim the evening. And after all of that, I expect you in this room, in that bed,” I fling my hand towards it now, “With me, where you will sleep beside me unless we choose to not sleep. And I most certainly expect flowers and a drawing from you. You promised them, and I took you for a man of your word, Peeta Mellark, a man with a sense of honor that is unmatched.”
I turn away then, unable to face the possibility that I have read this entirely wrong and just made a fool of myself. He grasps my arm and turns me back to face him. “Our home?”
“Yes, you obstinate bastard. Our home,” I say, although there is no bite in my words, because I can see in his eyes that those two words are precisely what he needs to hear.
Our home. And it has become so, hasn’t it. Just as I can no longer imagine Everdeen without Madge and Maysilee, Peeta too has planted himself firmly into this place. Without him…I do not even want to consider it.
But at the moment, I can see that his fears need assuaging. I see in his eyes the flickering remains of a child whose world was upended first with death then with a simple game played with the wrong boy. But wrong to whom? I see the pain of a boy on the cusp of manhood abandoned by the only person left whom he’d known to love him unconditionally, abandoned for a supposed chance at a better life in the dubious care of those who would spend years making him feel unwelcome, unwanted, inferior, even as they saw him educated and dressed in fine clothes. And I see the ghost of a man who was sent away to the military when his presence could no longer be tolerated, with the expectation that he would not return. The shadows of the man who survived anyways and was then forced to relearn how to walk through a world that did not wish to see him for two reasons rather than one, and most especially I see the man who was coerced into marriage with his brother’s discarded fiancé. I understand fully the sting of that last one. I felt it myself the day we signed our engagement contract.
I can see in his eyes the reflections of a man who was required to be content with the leavings and table scraps, yet has somehow found it in his heart to create a life – a good life – here with me out of what could have easily been a misery. But Peeta has needed to act in this manner nearly his entire life, as a matter of survival, learning when his welcome had run thin and it was time to move on to another sphere or change his purpose to those around him.
No longer. His welcome has not run out here yet and I intend for it to never run out. We shall take the table scraps given us and make a feast.
I slide my hands up his chest then, up to his neck as I press my body to his. “I want you to be here tomorrow, Peeta, and the day after that, and the day after that one, just as you have been. You promised to love, honor, comfort, and cherish me, until death do us part, husband, and I will hold you to those vows. Are those terms agreeable to you?”
“I suppose those will work,” he says, his hands resting on my back, a light touch as he lowers his head towards mine. “You are not disappointed? Now that you are truly and needlessly stuck with the crippled, bastard son?”
“I know exactly who I married, and I am not disappointed at all,” I whisper right before he kisses me. I savour the touch of his lips to mine just for a moment before I allow myself to sink into his embrace, into the depth of feeling and sensation.
There is no rush this time, no frustration or doubt. No fear of being discovered nor interrupted. We both know where this kiss will end and yet neither of us are in a hurry to arrive there. He kisses me as though he has the rest of our lives to do so and yet it awakens a towering need inside me.
I search through fabric until I find the ends of his cravat and slowly untie it. Peeta lifts his head, ending one kiss and resting his forehead on mine as I pull the length of silk free and leave it on the floor.
“The poor valet,” he says with a rueful shake of his head. I laugh and guide his hands to the sash tied about my waist. He understands and grasps one end, pulling until the knot falls apart. We take slow steps towards the bed, leaving a trail of clothing across the bedroom floor as we undress one another. My skin tingles. Alive with the touches of air and Peeta’s skin on mine. Alive in the way one feels after a good, deep yawn, and yet I am not the slightest bit sleepy, despite my eyes drooping. They do so with want. We peel off layer after layer until we are down to my chemise and stockings, his trousers and shirt as we come to stand right beside the bed.
He kisses me again, a language more profound than words, in some ways, his hands gently holding my jaw. We reaffirm territory already explored. The taste of him sparks recognition and comfort as well as desire now. The trailing of my fingers down his neck, down over soft linen shirt, down to his waist, gives rise to such goose flesh and need. His eyes never leave mine as I gather fabric in my hands and lift. Up and up and over his head until I must stand on my toes and then can reach no further. Peeta takes over then, discarding his shirt and standing motionless for me to examine him.
I allow my eyes to roam over the expanse of skin now bared to me, uncertain where to even begin touching him. I step back slightly and take him in – the broad shoulders and chords of muscle on his arms, the burn scars extending down from his face to cover one side of his neck and splay over his left shoulder, like a handprint forever etched onto his skin in flames, the touch of violence and war leaving its visible marks on him. A curved line over his ribs that looks like it was perhaps caused by a knife. The scattered dark blonde hairs on his chest that tighten into a line pointing down, down to his trousers where I cannot see the end but am eager to find it.
“Are you simply going to stare all night, wife?” he asks, and while there is teasing in his tone, there is also a slight thread of uncertainty. I lift my palms and set them on his pectorals, breaking the thread of uncertainty and casting it aside.
He is so warm and solid, like a stone kept in fire to heat and soothe in the coldest of winters. His breathing lifts his chest and my hands in unison, and with a quick glance at his eyes to ensure that I am not overstepping, I run my hands over him, learning the shape and the feel of him beneath my palms. Up to his shoulders then down his arms to his wrists where my fingers tickle slightly before venturing back up to his shoulders.
I trace the outline of fire branded into his skin, watching my fingers as they skim over ridges and crests. We are both of us marked by flames. A pair of beasts forged in fire and branded as unwanted. A scarred should have been a spinster woman, and a crippled bastard man. I can feel tears in my eyes as I think on the pain I endured and how such pain exists in his past as well, perhaps tenfold with his leg. I flatten my palm over the scars and lift my gaze to his.
Without a word spoken between us, I somehow know that we understand one another in ways few others can. So I continue learning his body. My palm skimming over heated flesh, curving over the scar on his ribs, meandering down to his abdomen.
As in the stable, certain muscles of his flinch and contract, but he remains planted where he stands and allows my exploration. I step forward and slide my hands around his waist to his back, finding that expanse to be much the same. Warm, solid, responsive to my touches. I cannot look at him as a curiosity takes hold and I press my mouth to his skin, just at the edge of one scar. He sighs and finally moves, lifting one hand to my hair. He plucks pins from my tresses as I kiss him. They fall discarded to the floor with each caress of my lips over him until my hair hangs loose down my back.
Peeta buries one hand there, cradling my head gently as I explore with my lips as I did with my hands. He lifts his other hand to caress over my shoulder, to move aside my chemise and mirror the touches over my own scars. When my lips reach the barrier of his trousers, though, his hand tightens in my hair and he brings me up to stand before him again.
“Now your turn,” he whispers with a smile so beguiling, I can forgive the interruption of my exploration. Especially when he first joins our mouths in a heated kiss that soon has me clawing at his chest and his neck, bending my body to bring myself as close to him as possible. I feel the hard proof of his arousal against my belly so that when he grabs fistfuls of my chemise, I eagerly lift my arms for him to remove it, shivering only slightly as the removal of the fabric, warmed from its hours spent so close to my body, leaves me slightly chilled and standing before him in naught but my stockings.
Peeta takes my hands in his then and lifts my arms out to my sides, his eyes taking their turn in roaming over me, their blue depths lit with an unmistakable flame of desire. I cannot hold such an intense gaze and drop my eyes, only to see the effect I already know our kisses and touches have had on him in the tenting of his trousers.
I look away then, focusing on the candle set beside our bed as he steps closer. Then his lips brush over my skin, on my shoulder. Higher until he reaches scars. I hear a soft sigh, ripe with longing and wonder if I am responsible for such a sound or if he is.
“Katniss,” he murmurs, his fingers scarcely touching me as he caresses over my body. He traces round my navel, down to tease dark curls, then back up to circle nipples, with such reverence that I am tormented, burning and yearning yet not ready to move on from how this feels.
“Draw me like this?” I gasp and he laughs, the sound light yet somehow tortured.
“Not now?”
“No, of course not,” I say. Then something occurs to me as I cling to his shoulders and my knees quake with the kisses he paints over my neck, the way his fingers barely seem to connect with my skin as he traces over shoulder blades then down my spine to my hips, arcing over swells and curves, teasing hidden places. “Would I have to pose for you?”
“Not unless you wish to, my love. You are now etched permanently in my memory. I do not think I will ever forget the way you appear right this moment.”
“Oh,” I say, more in response to his kisses than to his words. They leave me aquiver in a most delicious manner.
“I would have to hide that drawing in a very secure place, for I do not wish to share you in this state with anyone else.”
“Nor I you,” I murmur. His lips gift me with sweet, indulgent kisses, sensual licks and suction that makes my eyes roll back in my head and my knees weaken to the point that they buckle and he has to hold me upright. “Oh God my thoughts were quite right about you that day we met.”
I have to step out of his embrace and sit on the bed, moving to the center, away from him before my brain is turned completely to slush and my skin burned away to ash.
“Oh?” he asks, a smile playing about his lips.
“You have a sinner’s touch,” I say and he laughs, his cheeks turning pink.
“You make it sound like I am a rake.”
“Well, it is twice now that you have gotten me into bed and failed to remove my corset…”
“You weren’t wearing one tonight,” he says, his voice dark and delicious. “And we weren’t in bed earlier.”
“Details,” I say with a flippant wave of my hand and then wait for him to proceed. He does not at first, and I decide to give him some encouragement.
“Go on then,” I motion towards his lower half and bite my lip.
He shakes his head, smiling slightly as he begins to unfasten his trousers while my teeth bite deeper. My pulse spikes once or twice in anticipation. I’ve never seen all of him, not even this afternoon in the stables, my skirts and our bodies blocking my line of sight. His eyes stay on mine, perhaps searching for doubt or regret, but he will not find any, for I feel none.
He turns and pushes the garments down. I am gifted with a brief view of taut buttocks and narrow hips before he sits to finish removing his clothes and his false leg. Then I am given the chance to truly admire his back and shoulders and the strength so readily apparent in them. I’ve already experienced that strength, plucked from the mud with such ease, like a dandelion after it has gone to seed.
Bracing one hand on the bed, he turns to face me, halting on his knee and the truncated end of his left leg and spreading his hands to his sides for my examination, one eyebrow quirked and his head cocked in question.
I am leisurely in my perusal of him, his thick thighs of which I am already somewhat familiar, the thin trail of hair that I can now see fully, leading all the way down to a thatch of more cradling the source of my curiosity and many a maid’s anxieties. Yet I can no longer feel anxious, now that I already know how it feels to be joined with Peeta and that he will take care with me. It is a good thing too, otherwise I might be concerned that he would not fit. I am fortunate to already know that he fits quite well. There is, however, one detail that inflames my cheeks and teases my desire to new heights.
“Are you blushing, husband?”
I refer to the pink shade of his engorged flesh, so striking set against the rest of his fair skin. He glances down and blushes in truth, his cheeks and neck turning a matching, ruddy color.
“I suppose in a way I am. Not out of embarrassment, though, I assure you madame.”
“Hmmm, I should think not,” I tease and rise to my knees, crawling upright on them towards him until I can feel the warmth of his skin radiating onto mine. I glance down then and reach out to watch my own motions as I touch him. Peeta sucks in a sharp breath and rests his hands on my elbows in a light touch. “I am not hurting you, am I?”
“No,” he says through a strained laugh. “Though I may expire from this.”
“Is it not acceptable for a wife to touch and discover what pleases her husband? You did for me,” I whisper and he sways but does not stop me. I marvel at the heat of him, the weight in my palm and the contrast of softness and rigidity.
“It is perfectly acceptable.”
“Am I doing this wrong then?”
“God no,” he says with such vehemence. “Your touch is… so pure.” If I were not already blushing, that would turn me bright red. Then something terrible occurs to me. A brief image of another woman touching my husband thus. A woman who knows how to please him where I am only just beginning to learn, and perhaps the purity of my touch is not a compliment.
“Have you been married before?” I ask, my grip tightening in reflex as the cursed words leave my mouth. I never thought to ask before now. Peeta groans and sets his hands over mine. He leans towards me and begins kissing my ear.
“No, Katniss. I have never been married before, and before you ask again, I have lain with two others before you. One was due to the stupid impetuousness of youth, the other lasted only one night and happened because I was feeling sorry for myself, certain that I would die alone a crippled soldier. They were both well over a year ago, nearly five years ago in the case of the first.”
“Oh,” I say, a strange lightness lifting my spirits as our eyes meet, my hands still full of him. “Did you remove their corsets at least?”
He laughs then, full and hearty. “I honestly do not recall enough of either encounter to remember such details. I was not in a fair state of mind… to be frank, I was drunk.”
“A tactful answer. Will you forget me then and blame the wine?” I say and he glances down at where I have him in hand. My eyes follow his for a second before meeting his blues once more.
“I am not exactly in a position to anger you and limp away unscathed, madame.” I blush furiously at that, but there is something in his eyes that makes me feel bold and empowered, rather than chastened or cowed. Somehow I know, Peeta is enjoying both our banter and our touches as much as I. He leans forward and brushes his lips over mine. “And I am completely, blissfully aware of everything we have done today. It will not be easily forgotten.” His words flow through me, intoxicating like wine, and warm. Mollified, I am able to tease him further.
“Are you not going to ask me how many men I have lain with?” A smile curves his lips and mine mirror the action. I tilt my head and shoulders in what I hope is a coy expression.
“God do I love your spirit,” he whispers as he cups my jaw in his palms again and kisses me. “How many men have you lain with before me, Katniss?”
“None, and I shall thank you to never ask me such an insulting question again, husband,” I say with false superiority and no bite to my words. I could not summon any if I wanted to. My lips are consumed with kissing him and my hands with touching him, learning him. In between kisses, he whispers to me. He whispers words of guidance and promises. Such delicious promises that make me eager to hand the reins back to him, but not before I am completely familiar with his body.
It is not long before his breathing turns ragged and his eyes hazy. His head tips back and he bites into his lip. The sight of him thus makes me think of what he did with his mouth in the stables. Surely there must be an equivalent act for me to perform for him. I kiss the hollow of his throat and am working up the courage to try loving him with my mouth when his hands drop to mine and pry my touch away from him.
“Stop. You have to stop.”
“Why do I?” I ask, confused and hurt.
“Because if you do not, I will spill all over your hands and the sheets.”
“Oh,” I say and let go of him. Then I was doing well, I think with a small thrill of pride.
I’ve no chance to ask him though, as his kisses have turned insistent. Passionate and deep as he shifts us both so that our naked bodies press together. I moan into his mouth, the sound undignified and desperate, but I cannot control the way his heat feels, engulfing me in a sensual embrace like nothing I have experienced before. The intimacy of flesh to flesh unparalleled in my memory as I cling to him and match his kisses as best I can, with every ounce of fervor I feel for him.
I know a moment of unsease as he lays me on my back and covers me, but then his mouth and his hands touch everywhere. I relax beneath his almost reverent kisses and yet I am strung tight as a bow, ready to spring. His hands precede his lips, and soon I am quivering on the sheets. Desperate so much so that when his hand curves around my hip, down to cup one thigh, I open my legs without question for him to settle between them.
His mouth returns to mine then and something slender slides inside me. “Oh mercy. Katniss,” he groans to the space between my parted lips then kisses me again, rough and fast before lifting his head to gaze down at me. “You overwhelm me.”
I cling to his arms as he touches me and finds hidden patches inside me that make me shudder and moan and beg. I can no longer draw a decent breath and plead with him, gasping his name and writhing against his hand, a sinful tart drawn to his touch.
“I wish to be inside you when you climax,” he whispers then bites gently on my ear. I give a breathless agreement and wonder to myself if he will be able to last. My only experience thus far is the stable, when he finished before and without me. Granted there was the way he kissed me to completion before that—
His fingers find the small patch of need his tongue worshipped in the stables and I cry out, the sound sharp and loud in our room. His mouth covers mine and our breaths make ragged music in the night as I plant me feet on the bed and let my hips move freely, seeking and aching for those rolling waves of release.
My muffled sounds crescendo against his tongue as I draw tighter and closer. My fingers rake bars of delight into his skin. I cannot get close enough and then he rolls on the bed, taking me with him so that I am sitting on his stomach, straddling him. My body aches, denied the pleasure it so desires, right on the cusp.
“What are we doing?�� I ask, uncertain of his plans. I have no scullery tales, no whispers of maids nor cooks, nor even Madge to place what is happening as he pushes my hips up and back so that I hover over his erection.
“You are going to ride me,” he says and I sputter at that.
“What like a horse?”
“With a few noticeable differences but yes. Very much like a horse,” he says with a laugh and a cheeky smile. “More like bareback riding. And do not try to convince me that you’ve never ridden a horse bareback, you hoyden. I shan’t believe you if you try.” His words carry no insult, and so I take none, only desire and wonder. His hand caresses up my thigh then, back to my sex where he resumes what he was doing just seconds ago until I am mindless in my arousal and unable to hold still. “Yes, like that my pearl. Open for me.”
I vaguely feel him again, sliding past my entrance as his fingers leave me. A growing fullness and his low, elongated moan until my hips are flush with his and I am dizzy with the need to move, although I do not know how until Peeta rests his hands on my hips and guides me in a slow circle over him. I make an incoherent sound. My fingers dig into his chest and my head rolls back, hair brushing my back and his thighs. I find a rhythm and surrender to it, riding after the spreading pleasure that warms me throughout.
“Wait! Wait!” Peeta gasps and grasps my hips, holding me still on top of him. Frustrated, I growl and stare down at him, annoyed with the interruption, since there’s no good reason for it.
“What about…” he swallows before finishing his question. “…what about children?”
I glance around the room and growl again. “There are none here.”
“No,” he says with a slight laugh and a shake of his head. “No I meant the possibility.” He flattens his hand on my belly and I stare down at it. His fair skin almost pale against my darker tone. “Of… our children.”
My eyes meet his again as it registers, what he’s asking. “You want to discuss this now?”
“Admittedly my timing is poor.” His eyes drop to where we are joined and he makes a small whimpering noise as I shift my weight on him. “And I realise that I am also late raising this issue. Given what transpired this afternoon, but there are precautions we should take if you do not want children yet or at all…” he trails off as I laugh. I laugh and rest one elbow on his chest, leaning down onto my hand.
“Yes, I know. My mother is a healer after all. There was a tea she would give to women who did not wish more children. She tracked cycles on calendars to advise them on when to abstain.”
“I see,” he says. “So then you’ve had some of this tea recently?”
We remain motionless, joined together, prepared to copulate as I consider his questions. In an instant, I live a thousand moments with him by my side. Birthdays and holidays, every season and every harvest. A parcel of children in a motley mixture of our features crawling across the rug, clamoring for his attention, climbing into my lap for kisses and cuddles. Peals of potential laughter and the echoes of future joy bring tears to my eyes, an unbearable overflowing in my breast. If it feels this way to merely consider children, what would it feel like to carry them? To nurse them and raise them? To bestow all of this love I now feel surging through me upon them?
Exquisite. That is how it would feel.
For years I had never considered my own desires where children were concerned. Romance and marriage and family seemed such an unlikely possibility after the fire. Who would want a family with an unbiddable, scarred and surly hoyden? But as Peeta gazes up at me, his eyes shining in emotion, and I think on those sheets upon sheets of his hand forever capturing me on paper as someone beautiful and intriguing, I know. He would. I ask him despite this growing certainty, if only to hear him say it.
“Do you wish to have children, Peeta?”
“Perhaps some day. If you wish to,” he whispers but his hand caressing my belly, the rasps of longing in his voice, and the feel of him throbbing inside me speaks volumes. He is too wonderful with Maysilee. If there were anyone in this world that I would wish to have children with, it would be Peeta.
My body hums with the need to move, to love him and relieve his body if it’s seed, to accept him into my womb. I can feel a content smile curling over my lips then and the widening of his eyes as I lean forward and kiss him, our chests brushing together as I feel heavy with want, with need.
“Then there is no need for precautions tonight or any other night, husband.” To prove it to him, I begin to move again. His hold on my hips loosens, though he does not fully release me, only loosens his hold enough that I may once more move freely. I am glad of his touch, the flex of his fingers on me and the additional connection keeping me grounded to him.
“Take what you want, my love. See what feels best for you.” His whispered words barely register as he cedes control to me and I move my hips, my entire body over him as I test first one movement then another. Some create a slow, melting pleasure. Others cause bright bursts of it that are nearly unbearable in their strength. Still others coil as pressure low inside me. I recognize those feelings and follow them, bracing my hands on his chest and shoulders as I feel the need to move with more urgency and strength.
“What about you?” I ask at one point and he smiles at me.
“Your pleasure pleases me.”
Through it all, Peeta’s eyes remain fixed on me – on my eyes or my body as I move over him – but even when I look away for a moment to close my eyes and focus on the feel of him stroking inside me, against me, or of his hands spreading loving touches over my body, whenever I open my eyes, his are there to meet me again. And I can see in his gaze, the way he looks at me now, that his drawings are no lie at all. Moving over him thus, I feel exactly as he depicts me – beautiful, powerful, desirable, spirited.
We are unguarded in expression and I cry out for him to not stop when he takes one breast in his mouth, the heat and suction unleashing a torrent of mirror sensations as it builds and builds until I think that I can stand no more.
Then he rises up slightly, setting one hand behind him as he joins me in movement, bodies gyrating together. He caresses over my back, down to my buttocks where he flattens his palm on me and pushes me to ride him harder. His soft words and groans spur me on and I chase the rapture until it bursts inside me, an explosion of sensation.
I know that I scream. I know that I lose control of my limbs and my hips as I continue to move erratically. I know that Peeta grasps my hips with both hands, his hips rising up into me and his hands controlling my motions in bouncing on him in a handful of rapid pulses until he shouts into my neck.
As we lay there after, both of us heaving to gain control of our lungs, his fingers trace over me. The touch is gentle and sensuous, through the coat of perspiration dotting my skin and the gooseflesh arisen from his touch and the cooling of the air breathing over my naked skin. When I am able to look up at him, he is smiling. I shift to kiss his jaw and curl my body closer to his, although I am not certain it is physically possible. His lips press a kiss to my forehead and he begins to run his fingers through my hair.
“Satisfied?” He whispers to me.
“Not until you put my pictures back in your sketchbook where they belong,” I say, barely getting the words out before a yawn takes over.
“I will do that tomorrow then.”
“Now I am satisfied, husband,” I murmur and he chuckles softly. His fingers still comb gently through my hair as I fall asleep.
To be continued…look for chapter seventeen on the blog of @katnissdoesnotfollowback
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rockofeye · 7 years ago
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Unmasking
I asked my mother what the spirits think of current events in the US. I asked her this in her kitchen, while she cooked and hovered over a variety of pans bubbling at full capacity on the stove. The act of creating and sustaining through every day process is part of her gifts in this life, and she lifts us up through this quiet, backstage work.
“I don’t know,” she says with a wooden spoon in her hand. “I haven’t asked them.” 
I haven’t either, at least not directly. I have sat with them and asked ‘why’ over and over, though. Why are people like this? Why has this country prospered for so long on a foundation of genocide, enslavement, torture, and systemic inequality and racism? Why don’t they do something?
They are quiet in response, in the same way that they were quiet around the miscarriage of an election in November 2017. In the aftermath of the delivery of fascism to the highest seat in government, I took as big a step back from my utter rage and disappointment and asked the spirits why they were quiet. I spent a lot of time meditating on this and trying to see the larger picture for all the piles of stinking bullshit in the frame.
In the end, I think that this is not their problem to solve. It is not a situation that they have created--we are responsible for this in a myriad of ways and, while they grieve our suffering and the loss of lives associated with the addressing of a broken and unjust framework, we made this mess and we must clean it up. We bear responsibility and we must carry it. That is not to say that they are not with us in this--they are--but the solutions must come from our hands.
The history of vodou reflects this expectation of responsibility. It only takes a glance at Bwa Kayiman to see this particular truth. That rite and that beginning was not about the spirits swooping in to save their people, but was the people crying out that they could not take any more and that something had to change. It was only then that the spirits came to the table and offered a solution--do all these things and we will assure your success. An agreement was made and, after thirteen years (a not insignificant number) of bloody struggle, the people and the spirits were successful in liberating the island and ejecting the imperalist colonizers.
I don’t know that White America is at that point. Too many white people are surprised by the sudden exposure of the racist foundation of the United States and the systems that have both nurtured white supremacy, white nationalism, and fascism, and allowed those things to flourish in ways that white folks have refused to look at for a very long time. White folks have been comfortable with these systems and situations because we benefit from them each and every day, in every possible way. Even vodou reflects that--people finding out that I am involved in vodou will often be regarded as quaint or edgy or as me taking a walk on the wild side, whereas a Haitian or other person of color will be regarded as threatening or evil or not to be trusted.
As a priest, I can’t sit and ask my spirits what to do. That’s not what I was made for. Instead, I have to suit up and show up and know that they will have my back. That means a literal putting on of the boots and heading into the fray. When the Nazis arrive in my city this weekend for their masturbatory endeavor aimed at terrorizing people of color, Jewish folks, followers of Islam, LGBTQ+ folks, people with disabilities, women, and anyone who does not fit their perfect Aryan spankbank material, under the guise of ‘free speech’, I will be there as a visible reminder that this white person rejects any ideology that elevates whiteness by crushing and terrorizing others and that this systems of inequality in the US must be dismantled at any cost. I will support the immediate consequences to delivering hate messages and physical intimidation, and, if given the chance, I will punch a Nazi in the fucking face.
At the same time, I will pray protection on all those who show up to stand against fascism, white nationalism, and white supremacy, and especially for people of color who will be targeted above all. I will pray that the spirits of war, of revolution, of blood spilled, of a ravening thirst for destruction will deliver the righteous justice of the people upon the heads of those who seek to oppress, terrorize, and silence. I won’t pray for peace and will instead pray for a revolution that shakes the foundations of white supremacy until they crack and crumble to dust. I cannot do anything less.
In all of this, I continually return to my mother, a quiet and dignified woman who came to this country carrying the hope for a different life for her then-child and children to come. She left Haiti just after the Duvalier regime ended, having lived through state-sponsored terrorism and gaslighting. She immigrated at tremendous personal cause, leaving behind family and friends, some of whom will still not speak to her because of her departure. Once here, she began to work immediately and has not stopped since. She became fluent in her third language, earned three college degrees, raised three children on her own, and created the sort of community that draws people from all over the world to her door. She didn’t come here for any of this bullshit.
I have watched her instruct her natural daughter on how to behave if a Trump supporter should confront her. I have witnessed her tears after the election, and the fear of her daughter who has classmates who come to school in Make America Great Again hats. I have seen her worry about her son and what will happen to him out in a world where cops murder Black men and Nazis march in the streets. I love her, so how can I do anything but act?
I thank the spirits for the blessing of the unmasking of white supremacy in the United States in ways that cannot be ignored or dismissed by those who benefit from systems of inequality. I pray strength and protection upon the hands and heads of those who will not let white terrorism, supremacy, and nationalism go unanswered, and I pray as much safety as is possible for those who are targeted by these white terrorists, especially people of color. May your spirits and divinities feed you, nourish you, and hold you close as this war is fought, and may you find blessings of prosperity and hope among the bullshit and bloodshed.
Talk minus action equals zero. --D.O.A.
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penumbra-rp · 6 years ago
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Becky, you will be playing the role of Ted Tonks! 
He is full of potential and cannot stand to end up like all those who stay mute, constantly working to make money for those who don’t deserve it, allowing the rich and the powerful to play twisted games and spoon feed them their beliefs and ideals like false prophets. 
Admin Ash: There’s so much that I adore about Ted Tonks and I don’t even know where to start. I think what strikes me most about him, is that he’s literally an underdog that you can’t help but want to root for. He’s the everyman that you can see a bit of yourself in -- he was that scholarship student with overbearing parents that probably wanted to see him get a PhD, an out-of-school millennial with a million-and-one odd jobs and a passion he’s shouldering his way into. He also just so happened to study Astrophysics and attempts to expose crime syndicates and big tech with his journalism skills. In the end, what I love, is that Ted has a goodness in him, a strength in him to not stay silent in the face of the injustices he sees everyday -- I just want to see him succeed and make sure he eats and has money for his rent! 
01. Out of Character
NAME: Becky
AGE: 23
YOUR BIRTHDAY: 17th January
PRONOUNS: she/her
TIMEZONE: GMT
02. In Character
CHARACTER: Edward “Ted” Tonks
CHARACTER’S PRONOUNS: he/him
FACECLAIM: Dev Patel
CHARACTER’S BIRTHDAY: 22nd February (Pisces)
PERSONALITY:
P O S I T I V E
E S C A P I S T ( + ) | Feeling like nobody else cares about exposing the horrors of the world and sulking miserably into his cold mug of coffee when the number of views of his latest article peaks below average, Ted enjoys finding ways to escape and allow himself time to breathe. Distractions come in the form of disappearing to the coast for the weekend or drinking a bottle too many at his friends’ house parties.
E M P A T H E T I C | Ted will criticize your actions. He’ll weigh them against his own moral standing ( which, in all honesty, is far from spotless ) and decide whether you fit into his all-too black and white world of good and bad. But very rarely will he judge someone’s emotional response. He feels deeply and can struggle with keeping his own emotions in check, never one to bottle things up. He’ll speak his mind and speak it truthfully – and he’ll expect you to do the same in return.
I N T U I T I V E | He works on feelings over facts or proof, chasing after threads that he’s picked loose. Paired with his career as a journalist, Ted has learnt a lot about reading people. Subtle clues don’t go unnoticed. It helps that he is also adaptable, managing to mould himself to situations, capable of making them feel comfortable and at ease even if red flags and alarm bells are ringing through his head.
N E G A T I V E
E S C A P I S T ( - ) | For all the wanderlust emotion-fuelled drifting comes its less romantic side: the coping mechanism of disappearing when the going gets tough. He’s not a huge fan of confrontation and, trie as he might to stand his ground in the moment, he’ll do all he can to avoid having gotten to that point in the first place. Unresolved issues and a habit of blaming others hound his heels, leaving a trail of problems in his wake that he’d really rather not think about.
P E S S I M I S T I C | Motivation and enthusiasm are quick to dip when things don’t go Ted’s way. He tends to look on the negative side of things, expecting the worse from situations that are out of his control for the sake of ( he hopes ) being pleasantly surprised when he’s proved wrong.
I N D E C I S I V E | Ted hates making decisions and can be hesitantly doubtful. Because of this, he can also be somewhat weak-willed and will listen to other people’s suggestions to help form his own, acting on impulse rather than taking the time to sit and think things through. Admittedly this doesn’t extend to everyone, but if you are someone who Ted trusts he will struggle to resist your influence.
BRIEF BULLET POINT BIO:
[ one ] His childhood is one of warm memories. Of being pushed to succeed and encouraged to dream. Of fighting his brother for the TV remote and hammering on the bathroom door when his sisters take too long to do their makeup. Of the scent of burning oil lamps during Diwali and scrubbing bright pink powder from under his nails after Holi. Of his dad coming home late from work and pressing a kiss to his forehead before bed and his mum cutting his hair every time it grew long enough to get into his eyes. Life is good and he knows he’s lucky.
[ two ] A university scholarship. Sometimes someone lucky is chosen, they say. In this case lucky means from a non-white, working-class family who otherwise can’t afford the tuition fees. When the letter comes through the door to congratulate him on being the chosen student from his college, his father says one thing: “decision time”. The words send a chill down his spine, fingers curling into fists as if recoiling. He does not wish to make a choice; cannot deem any of his options better than the others. Some consider the seventeen-year-old to be indecisive. Up until now, he has led a life full of what-ifs and maybes. When asked to choose a favourite colour, multiple will be given. When questioned as to what he wants to do for a career, it will change daily. The problem is, Ted doesn’t like making decisions. It is not that he will be lead blindly, rather that he would prefer to do as someone else suggests. That way he has someone else to blame when it all goes wrong. It is safer this way, he knows. He lets the influence of his parents, friends and teachers help decide what to study and sits through his astrophysics degree without complaint ( he even enjoys it, for the most part, but it’s not what he wants to spend his life doing ).
[ three ] He has always been creative. Not artistically, nor musically– but writing? Writing he understands. Like a duck to water, he has always been able to put pen to paper and conjure up stories. Some are true. Some are less so. Fragments of sentences line his pockets, scrawled on the back of receipts and old tickets. There is an escape in the words. So too is there the truth, written for all to see. The bluish glow of his laptop screen illuminates his face in the darkness of his room, sleepless at 3am and desperate to make sense of the tangled vines that are his thoughts.
[ four ] His best friend dies. It’s a jarring moment. A reminder that nothing is permanent, that life itself is temporary. He runs away from London for a while after that. In search of some greater purpose, perhaps. Or maybe just in need of some time alone, free from the grinding mechanisms that keep the world churning, air thick with traffic fumes and streets full of people all with somewhere to be. Little has changed on his return but there’s an edge to his tone which suggests he is yet to make peace with all that has happened.
[ five ] Rules are made to be broken. It’s a cliché saying, but Ted finds a certain intrigue in pushing boundaries. Restriction and regulations keep people tame, and he most definitely does not wish to remain caged like a tiger pacing behind bars. He is full of potential and cannot stand to end up like all those who stay mute, constantly working to make money for those who don’t deserve it, allowing the rich and the powerful to play twisted games and spoon feed them their beliefs and ideals like false prophets. He doesn’t have steady employment, claims he finds it far too mundane to anyone who asks, and instead earns his meagre living to pursue his passion of journalism. Of uncovering truths and unmasking monsters. For the moment the majority of his income is made taking up odd jobs advertised on coffee shop cork boards along with the occasional payment from The Quibbler when Xenophilius can afford it.
INTERVIEW:
i. How do you feel about your current occupation?
He doesn’t like being on this side of an interview. Not knowing what he’s going to be asked makes him uncomfortable, sending an unwanted and somewhat unexpected creeping sensation down his spine. Ted tries to settle his nerves, taking a deep breath as he reclines against the back of his chair. “Depends on which one you mean. The journalism? Going great. I get to work to my own hours, get to approve most of my own pitches. It’s cool. As for the rest of it– well. Office cleaning. Babysitting. Dog walking. Gardening. You name the odd job, I’ve probably done it. It is what it is.”
ii. What song would you say describes yourself?
Ted’s nose wrinkles, half amused by the question and simultaneously thrown by it. “That’s– Right. Wow.” He leans forward, elbows resting on his knees and fingers steepling together in thought. He wouldn’t necessarily say he has a specific taste in music. Nor would he say he’s the sort of person who can pluck a song off the top of their head. With a shrug, he shakes his head. “Shit, I don’t know, let me get back to you on that.”
It takes his seven hours to choose.
He wonders if that says more about him to the interviewer than the song itself.
[ 21:36 ] From: Ted
Got one! https://open.spotify.com/track/28mBT1l5sJrfSWn8KM3JLT?si=c0JzznyfSWSYhPTAcXtSzw
iii. Does reputation matter to you?
“No, not any more.” It’s an easy one to answer, although he imagines others would disagree. “Like– who cares what people think of them? Why bother? You can’t please everyone, that would be stupid. As long as the ones you love are proud of you, that’s all that matters, you know?”  
iv. What is your relationship with your parents like?
The smile that flashes across his mouth is bright, passing like an afternoon shadow only to return and make itself at home. As irritating as his mum’s near-daily calls are, and no matter how frequently his dad sends him links to vacancies at the Daily Prophet, he wouldn’t change any of it for the world. “We’re close,” he says fondly, knowing better than to spill all to an interviewer he a) doesn’t know and, by default, b) certainly doesn’t trust. There are people out there who hate him, hate his views of the world and the truth he spills ( he’s yet to get a death threat which, in all honesty, is a little insulting ). “It’s good. It’s a good relationship.”
v. What languages can you speak?
“A reasonable amount of Gujarati.” He takes English to be a given and dearly hopes the interviewer has the common sense to realise that. “Both my parents speak it fluently. My dad was born and raised in Ahmedabad and moved over here when he was my age and my mum is something like third-generation. Born in Harrow.”
vi. If your home was on fire and you could only save one item, what would you choose?
Ted whistles under his breath, leaning back in his chair to aim an unloving grimace at the ceiling. His tiny flat has never really felt much like a home and was more like a temporary space for him to exist in whilst he– well, he wasn’t quite sure what he was doing. Saving up for somewhere bigger was laughable on his current paycheck. “I’d save my insurance policy details because claiming money back for the damages is going to be a fucking nightmare without them. Have you ever tried to talk to these insurance companies? They’ll literally make you sit on a phone in a queue for three hours listening to the same three ear-splittingly mind-numbing songs. As if losing my flat in a fire wasn’t bad enough, I’d then have to be put through musical torture? And it would all be on a payphone, I bet, given that I didn’t think to save my mobile. Shit, can I change my answer if I remember to take a photo of the right insurance documents before the fire starts?”
vii. Which Hogwarts University faculty did you study at? The Gryffindor School of Applied Science, the Ravenclaw School of Humanities, the Slytherin School of Social Science, or the Hufflepuff School of Art?
Amusement curls up at the edge of his lips like a cat in a patch of morning sunlight, settling in for a nice long stay. He doesn’t think about university often. Four years of lectures which he can only just remember the occasional fragment of information from. But there are life-defining memories there amongst the late night study sessions and the room-spinning hangovers. “I was a Gryffindor. Studied astrophysics, which– yeah, I didn’t really want to go into that field after I graduated. Space is amazing and everything but scientific research isn’t for me.”
vix. What is your social media username?
“My work accounts are all under quibblerted. Everything else is at tedtonks.”
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