#unhealthy ways of dealing with mental anguish

[onthewaytosomewhere]

STREETFIGHTER BUCK for Buddie fic!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I didn't even look at your prompts mel, ngl, you know this is coming though so I don't feel bad)

it's rather appropriate that this ends up being done and posted on the friday after you gave me this

this thing kicked my arse - hopefully it's angsty enough for ya luv

this one is a long one so go read it on ao3 plz

Buck is at a bar once again. He can’t stand to be home—can’t stand to be anywhere alone with his thoughts. He just needs to get away from everything, so he has found a bar within walking distance of his apartment, which he’s never been in—a place no one else will find him. He needs some time to process everything, all the anger he feels. He just needs to get drunk so he stops having nightmares. He overhears some people sitting near him at the bar talking about a gym nearby with an area for boxing. It starts as a momentary thought, but by the end of the night, he has the name of the gym and the name of someone to talk to when he goes. Someone who will help him get started on his boxing journey—Art.

It's not long before the gym replaces the bar; he’s there most nights after a shift that he’s not with Eddie or Christopher, and on days when he’s off, he spends hours there. He beats on bags until he’s deemed ready to jump in the ring with other people. He’s learned the best ways to protect his hands. Art teaches him the proper way to wrap his hands to avoid injury, and he’s invested in a quality pair of gloves. On his first night in the ring, he goes up against a dude that hands him his ass in under a minute. The sting from the punches to his torso makes him forget for a moment the pain inside his head.

It becomes a thing he can’t get enough of, something he’s always chasing, jumping in the ring with people that will wail on his body, never his face, but his body is fair game. It goes on like this for a few weeks, and then she walks in. At first, Buck doesn’t place her, but when she comes over to talk to him when he’s pounding into the heavy bag, he remembers. Lena. The person who got Eddie involved with the fight club after the tsunami and everything else.

“Buck? Right?” She says, and Buck wants to tell her to go the hell away, but he also hopes she’s still part of that underground fighting ring.

“Yes, Buck—Evan Buckley, actually. It’s Lena, right?”

“Yeah, how’ve you been? I heard what happened to Eddie; that must have been horrible.”

“Still is horrible, actually.” It’s more than he means to say.

“Let me guess that’s why you’re here pounding on things—either to clear your head or think them through.”

“Something like that.”

... the rest of this can be found on ao3

(those words may look familiar but they are the beginning of this fic so ...)

[keepittoyourshelf]

Since the algorithm on my various socials thinks I actually want to see a ton of people simping over Rhys and ACOTAR, let’s get down to the bones of why that algorithm is fucked beyond all comprehension, shall we?

I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m pro-Tamlin, not in the sense that I approve of what he did, but from the place that I believe he’s worthy of forgiveness in the same way any of the men that SJM otherwise glorifies in her work is worthy of it for any of their transgressions.

I shouldn’t have to do a paint by numbers thing here to make this obvious, but based on the actual text written by SJM in her own words, Tamlin has objectively done nothing better or worse than Rhysand has.

The big complaint is his temper, of course, and pro-Rhysies love to bullshit about how the red flags were all over book 1 and SJM is such a master at foreshadowing.

He locked Feyre in a house against her will to protect her, when she clearly didn’t want to be caged. How is that any worse than Rhysand…drugging her and making her give him lap dances, in order to protect her, when she clearly didn’t want to be dancing naked in front of strangers?

Go on. I’ll wait for your rationalization.

Rhysand’s whole shtick was that he’s only playing the villain to keep Velaris (and only Velaris) safe…those fucks in the Hewn City can eat a bag of dicks, right? But tell me again how Tamlin is the really bad one for enforcing a tithe because it’s unfair to those who can’t afford it (fair point). But Rhysand chooses to save the one city in his court that has zero problems. Let’s let those that might already be suffering from poverty get kidnapped and tortured by a psychopath. That’s probably better than a tithe, right?

And let’s not forget how Tamlin mocked Feyre and Rhys at the High Lords meeting. While funny, it was in poor taste. At least Rhysand didn’t publicly mock Tamlin. He had the decency to do it privately when he went out of his way to go to a deeply troubled man’s house and, in the midst of an obvious mental health crisis, not only had the gall to ask for resources from a man that has no resources because his own wife fucking destroyed them out of spite, but proceeds to rub in his triumph over a man that has nothing left. Nothing to see there, right?

Even if you could ignore all of that (and you’d have to be willfully fucking thick to do so, which a lot of these people are), I shall leave you with Tamlin’s role as a spy for Hybern. That’s obviously supposed to be a real shock because TaMliN BaD at this point, so why would anyone believe him? It’s not like he had a really good explanation like Rhys gave when he murdered literal children and innocents just to ensure Amarantha didn’t know how noble he actually was. Right? RIGHT?! And it’s not like anyone would have a harder time believing someone who had played evil and done actually evil things for the “greater good��� (a collectivist dog whistle if there ever was one) for fifty fucking years over the dude that suddenly goes bad after being a progressive and respected high lord for the same period of time? I mean, it’s not like we’re dealing with severe mental anguish and trauma here. That’s crazy talk.

Shadow Daddy does no wrong. Even when he does. Because reasons.

Those idiots on TikTok making stupid videos showing their bf’s being all shocked and I KNEW IT when Tamlin “turns” can chew glass along with all those dipshits selling mugs that say “Tamlin’s Tears” on Etsy right next to merch glorifying a man that literally gaslit his soulmate into believing that forced drunken naked lap dances were actually a good thing, when you think about it.

SJM isn’t a master of foreshadowing. She’s a sloppy writer of moderately entertaining fiction that has a kink for glorifying severely unhealthy behaviors without the benefit of a trigger warning.

Fuck off if you think that’s all okay and think that anyone that says Tamlin isn’t any worse comparatively is the crazy one. Projection is a real disorder. Look it up. Right after you order your 543rd Rhysand candle.

[ctheathy]

Seduction and hate-flirting w/ Yandere Popee

Popee x Reader

Yandere+NSFW Headcanons

Short Concept

Author's note: my yan. Popee is an absolute punchable disgrace to deal with, but even he is not unbreakable. It's time to watch him crumble~

The separate headcanons for Yandere Popee will get more into detail about his bad behaviour and torment towards the Reader. So these might lack context for the most part.

[Gender-neutral Darling|Female Darling|Male Darling]

Popee/Reader [Romantic Tendencies]

Potential ⚠️TWs⚠️ :

Both reader+character are of legal age or aged-up for obvious reasons in this post!

These are partly smut headcanons, read at own risk. dom!Reader+sub!Popee • Manipulative Reader • Reader 100% has a sadistic streak • Unhealthy power dynamic • Toxic influence • Abusive+Destructive behaviour • Seduction • Sexual fantasies • Brainwashing(?) • Obsession • Masochism • Degradation • Swearing • Harassment • Invasion of privacy • Anger issues/Pent up lust • Assault • Tongue making out • Dirty talk • Climax mentioned • But it never actually leads to intercourse

This would certainly make for quite the dynamic. Popee, despite having an obsessive mentality driven by pure desire towards you, has been known to cause immense distress and discontent on your part. Purposely overstepping your boundaries, inflicting anguish and trying to put you in a bad light. Hating on you because you awakened these unknown emotions in him ...So much so that it would likely cause you to hold quite some resentment towards the boy with the bunny suit. Resentment you try releasing through some good old hate-flirting. You'd feel yourself craving more and more to bring out the worst in him, all the things that he's hiding and secretly feels ashamed of. And for someone like Popee with an ego the size of the Milky Way, that just makes the challenge extra irresistible to work on. While you can all imagine his reaction and denial as he’s forced to admit to himself that the one person he despises is the person he wants so badly.

You could literally destroy him from his heart, to his mind and it would cause him to become even more of a snobby bastard in general. Where he becomes even quicker to explode with his outbursts and lash out at Kedamono if he were to get that attached to you. Usually he’s such a loudmouth and he thinks he can never be phased with anything, he thinks he’s too powerful to be affected by anything. But you have the ability to absolutely break him, making him feel things beyond just anger from the power struggle and how you love to see him struggle to maintain control over you.

He 100% has a hate boner for you AND you 100% get off on teasing him. Just picture the mental gymnastics Popee would go through in his head as he desperately tries to convince himself that he hates this person while you can just have a ball teasing him and ruining his already broken ego. Which begs the question... for how long Popee could hold it together before he finally loses his cool and absolutely explodes on you. He has so much pent up anger in general and I feel like you could definitely be the one to set off the ticking time bomb inside of him.

Despite the tough exterior Popee wants to uphold, he is so goddamn sensitive and you could easily figure out that his tolerance for sexual activities is extremely low. He’d be so turned on the moment you even touch him in any way, if you even accidentally brushed against him a certain way he’d start getting hard. And when your clothes get all clingy from the practice sweat, he wouldn’t even be able to stand a chance. You could absolutely be feasting on his desperation and anger. You'd have this huge mountain of a man reduced to such an emotional and sexual mess that can’t think of anything but YOU.

You should absolutely go as far to try and make him moan in public. Just a scenario of him rudely bossing his assistants around, before you just go upfront, all personal and touchy with him as you egg him on. You'd have him making all kinds of noises that a man shouldn’t be making out in the open, you'd know how to push his buttons and you should not be afraid to do it either. The more he’s left broken and frustrated, the more he wants you. The more he denies his feelings, the harder he falls. He absolutely loathes the fact that he needs you, that he craves you in such manners. He might still act arrogant and prideful towards you but you just know he still contains those wet dreams that take him right back to square one.

You'd have the ability of being so very influential on him, he would be at the point where you would be able to make him do anything for you. Getting him all worked up and then leaving him to cool off by himself, before the cycle repeats itself. He would be cursing your name over and over in that tent, wishing that you were there to finish what you started. The thought of his quiet, furious little yells and moans of frustration from his tent would absolutely manage to crack you up, the way he would be so damn upset but so incredibly turned on at the same time. Because that’s direct proof of just how bad he really wants you, he wants you so bad that he actually tears up over it while actively touching himself. He would absolutely be sobbing softly in his pillow after the entire ordeal is done, but deep down he wants it.

You can twist his hatred towards you into the most raging, uncontrollable amount of desire for you. And at some point he would absolutely lose it and end up begging you to use him. Just pure sin. Both of your relationship would most likely get so incredibly bad that just the idea of you spitting in his mouth when he did something you didn't like, hurting him or stepping on him and just placing your full weight on top of him would leave him feeling moist and sweaty. He’d act like the idea of you stepping on him, sitting on his face, literally spitting on him, would be the most horrible thing imaginable... but the most embarrassing part would be how much he’d enjoy it deep down.

The more you humiliated him and treated him like garbage, the more he would begin to crave it. The more he would want you to degrade him, that would be the thing that would destroy who he is as a person. He would literally be your lapdog, but he wouldn’t even realize that he was. Basically Popee would become a full blown masochist for you, yet refuses to acknowledge the fact that he's submitted to you completely and is practically begging on his knees to be used and broken by you.

There have definitely been countless of instances where he'd get in your tent uninvited in the middle of the night, either wanting to vent out his frustrations to you or insult you to make you feel bad. To which I imagine you would start make some subtle, teasing comments but they gradually get more suggestive and flirty; mentioning how suspicious it is to show up at somebody else's bed, alone, at night, when everybody's asleep and are less capable of hearing their surroundings. And when he finally catches on to your intentions, his confidence starts to drain and gets replaced by feeling more flustered and embarrassed as he desperately tries to hide the growing bulge in his suit, feeling his arousal grow with every word and tease that leaves your mouth. He would be trying so hard to ignore you, but you can see right through his desperate little attempts and just make further moves on him.

He's in your territory now.

But all of his efforts go right out of the window as soon as you get up close to him. Freezing up as soon as your hand reaches out to touch his jawline and before he knows it ...with your lips pressed against his. It would be such a satisfying yet unexpected moment as soon as your tongue slides in to tease the insides of his mouth, an activity Popee just wouldn't be able to reject. Which is a moment where Popee would immediately lose all of his self control and start groaning, fighting tooth and nail to keep his vocal chords as quiet as he can. The moment that your tongue touches him he would just become a little drooling, submissive, desperate wreck of a person. He'd even forget that he hates you in the heat of the moment. Hell, if it went on long enough, it would likely evolve into pleas to keep going, be rougher with him and go faster. Pleas to just absolutely go out on him.

His brain would be too overwhelmed and overloaded from all the intense feeling and sensations and pleasure that he just wouldn’t be able to even think at all. He’d be too busy focusing all that energy in trying not to moan and cry out for you, he would absolutely feel like he was being assaulted with how it’s almost too much for him. You would be so talented at making him struggle and squirm. And there’s absolutely nothing he can do against you, as that tongue alone is enough to make him fall back in love with you. As soon as you pull back only to plunge it back in he would be completely disoriented, his eyes rolling back while he’s still moaning and barely able to even support himself. Which is something you shouldn't even be satisfied with at all, taste everything that big mouth of his has to offer and just keep on going until he’s a wet, messy, overstimulated little bitch.

You'd get him so deep into the rabbit hole that he would practically be begging on the ground for you, just for you to ignore him. You could be teasing him with your mouth, kissing him, biting him and just being absolutely filthy with him. And once he’s begging you to not stop, you should give him the most pathetic, pitiful, short little kiss on the forehead and just dismiss him like he’s nothing. You'd make him feel so dirty that as soon as you turn on that sadistic streak, he's basically your little plaything. The way that you would mock and tease him would make him want it so badly. Especially when being literal the reason that he ends up having such... unholy dreams with you in them. You would be the one to completely wreck him, all sense of pride and his dignity.

Which would be the best part honestly, seeing him absolutely breaking down and revealing his true feelings through his body language and physical responses. He’d be so much more sensitive and weak during his intimate moments. His lips would become more plush and his body would look more fragile than normal. The way he moves would turn into something more meek and shy, similar to his mirror counterpart, Eepop. His breathing would become heavier as his eyes and tail would droop, he would completely become a different man when you're together in that sense. Because unlike his other companions who try their best staying on his good side, you're not at all afraid to call him out on his bluff. You know what he wants and you're not stepping back from mentioning his not-so-pure fantasies and mocking him for it.

It’s such a humiliating thing for him to hear, that you would act so disgusted by the very thought of him wanting to breed you. Your dirty words would be sending red-hot shocks of pleasure through his body, making his entire body shake. Popee would just be so flustered, so utterly horny that he could barely even keep it together. And then his own fantasies start to make it even better... as his genitalia begins to drip in response to those very thoughts, thoughts that he’s so desperately trying to get rid of. This is exactly the type of humiliation that Popee would not be able to control at all. His legs would begin to twitch and his body would spasm with ecstasy, he’s desperate for so much more but he’s trying so hard to resist. Which is something that would infuriate him so badly.

Because even when looking at alternative options for release, a toy really isn’t really going to get the job done either. He wants someone to actually dominate him, he wants to feel helpless, he wants to be put in his place. He wants to scream out your name and have no control over it. Something that isn’t the real deal won’t quite work for him. Not to mention the fact that he isn’t able to actually ask you for anything even remotely suggestive, but the fact that he’s begging you silently makes him feel beyond pathetic.

And honestly, this just sounds like an exact scenario where Popee would give up and start begging you to just take him already. His entire face would be red as a tomato at this point, there would be no more of that smestering contempt or smug smile on his face, just pure, raw, desperation. All of his pent up rage at you for your antics would just turn into complete lust and need. If you play along with his deeply hidden fantasies, you'd have him at your feet. You'd have him sobbing on all fours, just whining out for you to make those imaginations a reality for him.

Something you obviously won't comply with, atleast not yet... As you instead continue teasing him with the very dreams he thirsts after, emphasizing it in an unnecessary amount of detail and mentioning the empty what ifs if you were to allow him to go a step further with you. Getting him so unimaginably riled up that it reaches a moment with him begging and pleading for you to let him have a second to calm down and stop playing into his fantasies, to give him any semblance of relief. Popee would so desperately try to hide himself with his hands as his pre would slowly leak out of him, feeling so very shameful about it. But no matter what he did, he’s going to let some out eventually. He just wouldn’t last, especially not with you baiting his constant arousal. If he began behaving like that, you would totally have to come up to him from behind and place your hands on his shoulders, pressing your body against his back all while while digging your fingers into his shuddering shoulders. But all it takes is just one single perverted whisper...

“You don't last long, do you...~?”

You just know Popee would be putty in your hands if you did that. He’d be breathing faster and faster and would likely be squeezing his own arm or something to try hard not to cum on the spot. His back would arch and his stomach would start clenching, he’d be making some cute, girly little sounds as you're all up close from behind. The desperation becoming more noticeable as you press yourself up against him even more and get a good view of his rear end from the position you are in. He would start to squirm and let out pathetic whimpers as he tries to hide exactly how much it’s affecting him. The things you can whisper in his ear would be the most intoxicating and humiliating things he’s ever heard in his entire existence. But even with his efforts, Popee just doesn’t have the self-control to hold back.

He would totally throw his head back into your shoulder as his load dripped and leaked all over his legs. Where he would release so much it would just be pouring down his leg and onto the ground. His eyes would start rolling as he releases those gaspy moans in a heavy, quick manner while he trembles. All while you would just look at him with a bitchy smirk as he completely ruins his suit for you once again... just being the most embarrassing little thing around you. Even if you gave him permission to feel you up for being such a good boy for you, he would still be too much of a loser to do it right, in which you should totally just smack his hand away and reply with a “bad boy~”

It also just adds extra fuel to the fire that you're not the type to physically harm him at all, with your antics all just being teasing and immense mind games. The most aggressively physical you've ever gotten with him being by grabbing his chin to make him look at you, not able to recall any moment where you've actually caused him serious pain, with his experiences with you being pleasurable more than anything... Which really keep him on edge as you continue using your own little methods to make him impatient, giving these teeny tiny scraps of backhanded affection while he's basically dying from touch starving deprivation.

But you wouldn’t even need to use any physical violence on him for him to break down and get what you want, you can just use every single dirty trick in the book and play him like a fiddle. You'd have him begging for punishment to the point where you wouldn’t even have to lift a single finger, he would want it. I can imagine him finally giving in to you at some point, just falling into your charms and letting out those loud, desperate, begging moans for you. He would absolutely hate that he’s letting you do this to him, he would HATE the fact that you've turned him into your desperate, hormonal little slut.

Where he's gotten to a point where he would just willingly let you do all of that to him with no resistance because you've already broken him so badly mentally that nothing else could even break him further. He’d already be so broken down that you stepping on him would be an absolute pleasure for him and his fragile mind. You could literally do whatever you please and he would accept it with open arms. His whole mind is already completely brainwashed and warped up in his own sick and twisted desires.

And there’s no way he’d have the mental fortitude to do any stunt after realising what addictive hell he's brought upon himself.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

[is-the-owl-video-cute]

"We don’t even know how the human brain works in full and you’re over here trying to diagnose (or un-diagnose?) random teens on tumblr because you think them applying to themselves a label that makes sense to them is harming any of you?" The "endogenic" label is harming the OSDDID community. Actively so, actually, by examples you provided. You mentioned yourself that some people may self-identify as endogenic because their trauma has been deeply hidden and buried within their mind. If you are diagnosed with DID or OSDD, that is a childhood trauma disorder. It confirms that there is trauma that happened in your childhood- and the best, healthiest option for you would be to find where it is being held, and help that part of you process the trauma, usually through therapy. It may be long, and grueling, but it is ten thousand times healthier than denying you have any trauma and never working through it.

Now, let's say you are diagnosed with DID or OSDD, and instead of following the recommendations, you instead say "Nope! I'm endogenic which means I have no trauma! My entire system is actually just here because God willed it! (real explanation some people give)" Despite the fact that this person has a CHILDHOOD TRAUMA DISORDER, and there is ZERO significant medical research even suggesting you can have DID without childhood trauma, you go on to deny you have any trauma and keep it deeply buried. You have switching triggers that don't understand. You blackout for days. You are dealing with constant mental anguish and symptoms of unresolved trauma, all because you have used something based on no medical science to deny that your childhood trauma disorder is caused by childhood trauma.

So yes, creating an outlet for people with a very serious and debilatating childhood trauma disorder to deny their trauma is, very much, harming us.

Okay so here’s the thing, anon. You are not these peoples psychiatrists. You are not their therapists. You do not know them. You are making blanket assumptions about their mental health based on tumblr posts. Do you realize how asinine that is?

Do you not realize how insane it is for you to say “these people are suppressing trauma in an unhealthy way because I read their tumblr bio and they used word I don’t like so I know them better than they do!”? You realize that’s insane, right?

And again, I cannot emphasize this one enough, if you have multiple guys in your brain meat, you’re a system. You can go full armchair psychiatrist and try to gatekeep plurality for… whatever unhinged reason you use to justify that, but ultimately if a person is actually people I kinda think they’re gonna know that about themselves better than you do. Attacking random mentally ill strangers online and trying to force them to unearth a childhood trauma isn’t exactly making you the hero of the story.

[fairycosmos]

Ik ED’s come from such a bad place but I have to admit so often it feels like a punishment for wanting so little. Like, at some point it just feels absurd I can eat one meal every 2 days and still not lose weight.. like, surely eventually something has to happen right? Like.. right? Even tempering it like only wanting to lose a pound or two it just ..doesn’t happen. I don’t understand. At this point for me frustration nigh eclipses any original goal and I just want to see SOME change, like, anything. Sorry for being insane in your inbox, idk if anyone else feels this way.

yeah i totally feel this and i think a lot of people do TBH....it might be a little different or more extreme for you as i've never actually been diagnosed with an ED but as someone whose definitely struggled with long-term food issues the absolute frustration of it was one of the main things that mentally burned me out for a long time.....like i rmr being 15 and working out and eating less for days only to get on the scale and not lose anything and just like bursting into tears and almost passing out from how tired i was.....and TBH there's so many nuanced reasons for it like we all have our own unique bodies and metabolisms and genetics and they're usually incompatible without whatever crazy bodily ideal we've pictured in our heads.....and the evilness of ED's/food issues is that the illness really does count on your anger and pain and disappointment to motivate you like. even if you were to lose 1 or 2 pounds you wouldn't feel that sense of satisfaction you're after, at least not for long. your sick brain would just move the goal posts and set another probably more insane target for you to reach and then get mad at yourself and punish yourself when you don't (because we're not built to. like literally.) and so the cycle persists. and the worst part is like when you're in the middle of these episodes you don't care about any of this, the logistics of it, and in fact you're often inspired by how unhealthy you're being because it makes you feel like you're winning in some fucked up way. but really you're just prolonging you're own irritation at yourself, your own mental anguish. it's messed up, and i'm really sorry you're dealing with it. i know it's absolutely exhausting, and i'm sure you already know all this. just wanted to offer some understanding and also some encouragement - that you do deserve to help yourself and take care of yourself, that you're not doing anything wrong by not being what your illness wants you to be. i really hope you have (or are able to build over time) a support network and/or find a compatible professional to help you deal with this and manage it in a low-risk way, even if it it's a long and painful journey to get to that point. thank u for sharing this with me and being vulnerable with me, i know it's not easy to be so frank about something so hard. x

[bardchoices]

liana has a natural skill for comedy and leans into cracking jokes and trying to make the people around her laugh as much as she can, to the point that this is how she deals with her trauma in a rather unhealthy way. she hates talking about what's bothering her or causing her mental anguish in any capacity; as much as she cares for the people around her and for helping them cope with whatever they're going through, she'd personally rather eat hot coals. part of it is because she feels like she's inconveniencing others if she starts unloading; the other part is because she's gotten so used to trying to force light into bleak situations over the years that it becomes second nature.

[mahinee]

Stress Reduction for Wellbeing and Resilience

Welcome back to our ongoing well-being series, where we dive into the intricacies of mental health and lifestyle challenges. Today, we're zooming in on Australia, a country renowned for its beauty and diversity, but also grappling with the universal issue of stress.

Stress, the silent intruder of peace and well-being, knows no boundaries in Australia. Whether indigenous or non-indigenous, individuals from all walks of life find themselves entangled in its web, leading to sleepless nights, mental anguish, and even panic attacks. As Novak & Lev-Ari (2023) eloquently put it, the burden of stress manifests itself in the form of multiple sclerosis (MS) among students and professionals, a condition exacerbated by sleep deprivation—a direct consequence of stress and relentless study or career pressures.

But let's not overlook our young adults, often dismissed as the picture of health. Contrary to popular belief, this age group, spanning from 18 to 26, navigates a tumultuous period marked by risky behaviors, psychological vulnerabilities, and unhealthy habits, as noted by (Hartson et al.,2023).

Recognizing the urgency of this matter, the Institute of Medicine and National Research Council sounded the alarm in 2015. Their call to action highlighted a glaring gap in research focusing on young people, stressing the imperative to address the unique challenges jeopardizing their well-being in the modern era.

So, what exactly constitutes well-being? It's more than just physical health—it encompasses the delicate balance of mental, physical, and social facets, intertwined with the pursuit of happiness and fulfilment in life.

It has been demonstrated that the use of mind-body therapies is essential for fostering resilience to long-term stress. A variety of techniques known as mind-body interventions cause the body to go into a condition known as the "relaxation response," which is characterized by decreased sympathetic tone, increased parasympathetic tone, and decreased blood pressure, heart rate, and respiratory rate at rest (Li & Lange, 2023, p.9240). Studies on the psychological concept of mindfulness, which originates from the Buddhist tradition, have found that rumination is reduced in those who participate in mindfulness-based programs that teach people how to develop mindfulness and apply it in their daily lives. Self-regulation of attention and adopting a specific perspective on one's experiences are the two parts of mindfulness. The two main, fundamental components of mindfulness that are now recognized are awareness and the nonjudgmental acceptance of one's experience at the moment (Cepeda-Lopez et al., 2023, p.848637). The role of mindfulness techniques in improving psychological well-being and decreasing reactivity to emotional stimuli may be explained by the way they encourage disengagement from laborious cognitive tasks and improve attentional skills through improvements in working memory. These cognitive improvements then support the development of adaptive and flexible emotion-regulation techniques as well as the ability to deal with negative thoughts and feelings.

Thus, the interventions are a step towards building proper resilience and well-being among the aboriginal communities which would allow them to lead a healthy life. Moreover, leading a stress-free life is the key to a reduction in other diseases as most of the diseases are associated with stress and trauma (Bagereka et al., 2023, p.133). The stress factor is a major part of life that is faced by every human being and this needs to be reduced to have a social and healthy lifestyle. The suitability of the provided interventions can be considered to bring good results in the coming days for the Aboriginal community residing in Australia.

References

Bagereka, P., Ameli, R., Sinaii, N., Vocci, M. C., & Berger, A. (2023). Psychosocial-spiritual well-being is related to resilience and mindfulness in patients with severe and/or life-limiting medical illnesses. BMC palliative care, 22(1), 133. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s12904-023-01258-6

Cepeda-Lopez, A. C., Solís Domínguez, L., Villarreal Zambrano, S., Garza-Rodriguez, I. Y., Del Valle, A. C., & Quiroga-Garza, A. (2023). A comparative study of well-being, resilience, mindfulness, negative emotions, stress, and burnout among nurses after an online mind–body based intervention during the first COVID-19 pandemic crisis. Frontiers in psychology, 14, 848637. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.848637/full

Hartson, K. R., Hall, L. A., & Choate, S. A. (2023). Stressors and resilience are associated with well-being in young adult college students. Journal of American College Health, 71(3), 821-829. https://ir.library.louisville.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1900&context=faculty

Li, L., & Lange, K. W. (2023). Assessing the relationship between urban blue-green infrastructure and stress resilience in real settings: a systematic review. Sustainability, 15(12), 9240. https://www.mdpi.com/2071-1050/15/12/9240

Novak, A. M., & Lev-Ari, S. (2023). Resilience, stress, well-being, and sleep quality in multiple sclerosis. Journal of Clinical Medicine, 12(2), 716. https://www.mdpi.com/2077-0383/12/2/716

[wolint]

FRESH MANNA

MAKE MEANING OF YOUR PAIN.

Romans 8:18-23

There is gain in our pains! Life is full of pain. The loss of a loved one, job or business loss, disappointments, breakdown of a relationship, and many other causes of pain. Unfortunately, pain is an expectation in life.

The Bible mentions physical pain as experienced in Genesis 34:25, Job 5:18, and 14:22.

Emotional pain, sorrow, or trauma is indicated in Psalm 69:29; Proverbs 14:13 and Ezekiel 13:22.

Mental anguish or pain is referred to in 2 Chronicles 6:29, Psalms 32:10 and 38:17.

Romans 8:22 refers to the suffering of the world under the curse of sin, likening it to the pain of a woman in labour, but on delivery of the baby, the pain is forgotten for the joy of a new life.

When life gets overwhelming with negative stuff, it means we're at the cusp of pain. When we no longer feel joy, peace or any sense of worth, it means we're battling a sense of meaninglessness.

All of humanity has a curiosity streak, the state of active interest or genuine wanting to know more about something or someone that creates an opening to unfamiliar experiences, pain included because we never know how a new adventure will pan out.

No one likes to suffer, we all hate suffering, but truly, pain is generally part of life. If you are alive, you’ll certainly feel pain and it changes people for good or bad. But pain is not meant to make us weak though, it’s supposed to make us stronger and mature according to James 1:2-4. When Christians go through pain, it usually should help get us back on the path of righteousness. It’s supposed to help us lose all self-reliance, to turn to the only one who can help us, God.

The glory to come will far outweigh the sufferings we must bear now. Humanity is moving on through the mystery of pain to full redemption, we hope that we can wait in patience.

Paul made great use and sense of his pain, he suffered greatly during his lifetime: shipwrecks, beatings that almost killed him, abandonment, imprisonment, and eventually, execution in 2 Corinthians 11:23-28, yet, he saw the meanings in all these pains. Scripture teaches in John 16:33 that everyone will face various forms of suffering in life.

How can we withstand suffering? Our attitude to pain should be “pain? What pain?” another way is to ask God to help us have Paul's attitude of confidence that earthly sufferings cannot come close to comparing to the glory we will one day see.

We cannot control most of the major influences in our lives, but we have absolute control over what they mean to us and how we handle and deal with them. If we control the meaning of events in our lives with, through and in the word of God, we are certain to come out better because there is a lesson in every pain than if we allow the pain to define us, see Lamentation 3:31-33.

The choices we make through denial and fear are always unhealthy, toxic, and detrimental to our well-being, and may bar us from flourishing.

They say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” sure, only in Christ do you get the strength to handle and make meaning of deep pain that may otherwise destroy us.

Make meaning of your pain, it will help define you and God’s purpose for allowing the pain!

PRAYER: Lord, amid my suffering, I choose to praise Your name, knowing that You are my refuge and strength. I surrender all my pain to you, trusting that Your perfect timing will bring relief in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Shalom

WOMEN OF LIGHT INT. PRAYER MIN.

[acrylicgummybears]

my last low vibrational complaining rant

so, since getting my new job opportunity, which i'm really happy about. the opportunity to make really damn good money and launch me into whatever i want to do with my life (finally).

but i have just 15 more days until the start date, so i'm waiting these 2 more weeks.

and i'm just, it's amazing how much my parents have tried to hold me back it's truly freaking amazing. they've done the absolute *least* and made the absolute *least* amount of concessions or, compromise or, what have you like they extend me nothing, no grace, no.... what do you call it when they make arrangements for you or space for you. there's a word for that but it just slipped my mind.

anyway, lol. they've done all of that for my sister, but not for me, not ever. i've always been treated like an after thought and my therapist described it perfectly she said i am the scape goat of my dysfunctional family dynamic and its a really unhealthy position to be in.

whats crazy is i've brought all this truth to light and, they still don't care. like, no changes were made, even as they watched me suffer and be crushed under the weight of, how they treat me, they had no empathy for my pain and everything i went through, and didn't bat an eyelash at, how much it affected me, my life, and held me back from thriving and living a healthy optimal life.

they don't value my talents, or abilities, they dont' want to hear my ideas, or hear me speak. there is no room for me, in the home, physically even. no seat for me at the table, no food for me in the fridge.

if i ask for anything, i mean, the simplest of questions, or try to discuss anything i'm thinking, it's immediately met with, i'm just berrated with their, unruly control, and they use money and their own emotions to keep me in this stagnant stuck place.

it's sick, it's truly sick. and that's the dynamic of a *true* scape goat situation is, they will do everything to keep you last, to keep you held tightly in place, because beleive it or not, youre hte only thing holding the whole roose together still.

i see through it all plain as day. i can tell what's real, and what's bull shit. and i know, they live in a fantasy world in their heads, and they tell the honest truth to no one about themselves.

i used to be this way too, i learned it from my family. but i stopped, and put on a brave face and began to get to know myself, and wear who i am in bright bold colors on the outside, showing it to everyone confidently. not caring about the past words and abuse i've faced, not caring abotu the mental anguish i go through as a result of ptsd and things like that. with no, harbored resentment or, and with utmost compassion and value, and love, respect for myself in a wholesome, balanced way.

and i just can't believe it though, as i'm sitting here, on the ledge of, my launch pad to my success. i did it all on my own, as usual, with no help.

and, i thought, now that i had, some skin in the game financially, maybe they'd be willing to be more accomodating. but no, it's just, if it doesn't *suit* them, like if it's not helping *them* (in a very narcissistic way) it's not what they want for *themselves* then they dont' give A SINGLE shit and will literally shut it all down in the most abusive and controlling, manipulative, way possible. and i just let them get away with it, walking all over me, acting like a fool like i don't see it. playcating them even.

and then, they turn it around on me, if i get angry, you know like i'm just so impossible to deal with. how dare i speak my mind, about what i want, for me. for once. right? no, can't have that.

astonishing. absolutely astonishing.

in the year that i lived here, i am thin. i lost so much weight, i almost looked a little sick, and dark circles gathered under my eyes. i genuinely just, when i live here, i become weaker, under the stress, and anxiety and depression go through the roof.

so yeah, i'm just amazed honestly. i tried to speak my mind about one thing i wanted. and it was just, gaslight central. i forget that i really can't speak my mind.

they're like no, stay stuck where you are. don't move forward, dont progress. they're literally stifling me.

meanwhile, all the work goes into appeasing my spoiled sister. yes, i said it. she's spoiled. okay.

they buy her everything she wants, they threaten to take it away if she doesn't do what they want so she lives a double life like a fucking criminal. and she just looks at them like an atm and, i mean she's literally spent 20,000 dollars of their money in ONE NIGHT and not even a slap on the fucking wrist.... bro.

meanwhile, if i move a piece of furniture, my dad berates me, on a daily basis, nothing but that is what is spoken to me, the second he gets home, he is screaming at me, he threatens to beat me, and to kick me out (having me removed via police) etc. unprovoked. just, because a piece of furniture was moved and i forgot to put it back exactly the way he wanted it.

they really don't want me here, and i could give endless examples of how this is true, but i've endured it so much day in and day out i don't feel like explaining their behavior or actions or words anymore. i've seen enough of it, you[re just going to have to take my fucking word for it, i don't want to prove myself anymore. it's too much to type and my hands are tired.

just, trust me. they don't want me here. and i don't, know why.

but, i get nothing. i get absolutely nothing. and, i wasn't, expecting to get a lot, you know, but, i didn't think i would be given the shortest stick of anyone. you know.

i was given the shortest stick. that's the best way to put it. it's like, "yeah, you can do the shit thing no one else wants to do. you carry the weight for us. team work is dream work, buddy ol' pal."

and it's not like i haven't done the most for them.... i've done everything i can possibly do to appease and please them and it's just never enough, the control only gets worse, the maltreatment gets more extreme, the depravity of emotion from our relationship, the distance, the disreality, the lack of congruence or consistency, the abuse, manipulation, it stops at no point. the torture never stops, there is no point where they go, "ah yeah, maybe this is a little too much for her. maybe this is wrong." or no point where someone stands up for me, and steps in.

after my dad abuses me, my mom does nothing, she just looks the other way man. all my life. she let me have it, you know, and did nothing about it. not even a, shed a tear, no comment, not to me- not to my father. she just, let me take it all on my own and figure it out on my own, and watched me fall apart, fall into addiction, and nearly kill myself- watched me have to take medication for my mental health, from the effects of ptsd. i told her, the ptsd is from him hurting me, you know. it's a lot of things but that's a big part of it, yes. i was beaten to the point of dissociating. the way he treats me on a daily basis is wrong, i'm very vocal and straight up straight forward about it. she agrees that he is a narcissist, and his behavior is volatile, insane, abusive, extreme, etc. but she does nothing to stop it. no justice, for me.

not even an, "i'm sorry." for what i go through either.... no, acknowledgement.

its fucking insane and delusional. anyway, so, yeah the other night, after another night of him treating me like shit.

i go into my moms room, where she's sat comfortably like a prima donna, she drives her expensive car, sits in her expensive beautiful bedroom and luxury closet, watching her smart TV on the wall, she got it wall mounted. her luxury bed, that adjusts with a remote and can vibrate, in her plush pajamas, with her luxury hair done- she gets it done once a week. and all she does is scroll through her phone.

she doesn't cook, clean, she loves no one, she cares for no one, she is entitled, and everything has to be done for her, right. and if it's not making her happy, it's your fault.

and, just so self involved and self absorbed, she only wants to talk about herself. if i try to speak about anything, it always comes back around to be about her or other topics shes interested in, and doesn't care or isn't invested what so ever in my life, my interests, anything i have to say, my thoughts. she doesn't value me, she isn't, grateful fo rme, she see's nothing in me. like, everything that i am, it means zero to her. zero.

as long as i am her servant, that's all that matters. as long as i stay in my place, like a plush doll on the shelf and, don't have any needs, and look pretty- right. oh, oh- but when i have accomplishments, then you show up right. then you want to take credit. no.

i get the lead in the school play, no one came and took the front row seats reserved by the director for my family. i told him, don't bother, no one will come. he said, "you never know, they might." i tried.

i composed symphonies, starred in independent films and appeared in feature films. i won pageants, scholarships, honors, degrees, awards upon awards, art festivals, i played shows- i sang, i danced, i acted, i got jobs on my own. all she cares about is, how much money did you make.

all she talks about primarily is money, and it's depraved. she says horrible things, about people, about the world, her beliefs are so distorted. my fathers are worse.

so yeah, she sat there in her bedroom, locked away on her phone like a teenager. and, after my father berrated me and mistreated me for hours. i come into her room and i say, "do you mind turning the tv down a bit' (she had it too loud obviously loud like a damn theater in there, to drown out the sound of me being abused by my father.)

and she refused to turn it down. i was like, "i'm try to go to bed, can you just turn it down a little."

and she refused again. I was like, "seriously?" .... "seriously." and she just sat there looking stupid. playing dumb.

and i was like, seeing through the act. and i was like, ".... *shakes my head* *sigh*... wow. just wow. you really don't care do you. unbelievable." and i walked out.

and she knows what i was talking about. it wasn't abotu the tv. it was about everything that happened to me, and me as an adult now realizing, she never stood up for me, as a child, her child. she just, threw me to the wolves and didn't, care.

and then i realize thats why i'm so weird about feeling like people secretly don't care about me. it's how i've been treated my whole life- two faced. she acts like she loves me, but it's just, pretend.

but when it's time to show what real love looks like- you know. like, standing up for you, carry you when you're sick, acts of service, quality of time, valuing you, the individual that you are, and loving, that person. no, none of that. she doesn't even know me, and those things are often met with abusive tones, hostile nature, fights. until it's dimmed my light down to a dim dim, place, hidden away. silent.

and that's how she likes it. like a doll on her shelf.

she is horrible at love, she is horrible at taking care of things, and connection. and then i wonder, why it all feels so unfamiliar to me.

i refuse to be cold though, i will be warm, i will be vulnerable, i will not be hardened, like her. i will be compassionate. i will shine, outwardly, proudly who i am, and share myself with the world in my authenticity. because i'm brave enough.

no one taught me this but myself. my parents showed me weakness, cowardace, lies, manipulation, cruelty and indifference.

i'm done. i'm walking out this door and i'm never coming back. restraining order. changing my name. don't, come near me, ever, again. don't contact me. i'm done.

[romanekov]

I am upset

I need to write here today, after a long time. I am upset. I am sad. Frustrated.  I try to tell myself these things : your perspective is wrong, you need more mental flexibility, something you preach on social media. You need to take more action, to complain less. To stop victimising yourself. To stop being on constant survival mode. To stop feeling unsafe.

I look back and I know I’ve been worse. Way worse. Dysregulated, depressed. Today I just want to scream “I wish life could stop fucking  with me for more than a few weeks”. In that house away from everything I felt relaxed. But I can’t control events. I can’t control your health as much as I want. I can’t deal with uncertainty. I can’t deal with the unknown, the anguish wait, the pain that pierces my heart every time I think about you.

I think about you and I don’t know what to do. You are an extent of myself. I don’t have a normal response regarding your health because I convinced myself along the way, after 10 years, that we were inseparable souls. I am never at my best, constantly in fear that something bad is gonna happen to this part of me that loves me unconditionally, that beautiful, sweet, funny, loving, cuddly, soft, part of me that I love to kiss million times. It’s so painful. I can not think or relax or digest or sleep properly. My hypervigilance is connected to you. I’m not feeling alive but not dead. But if you are not here anymore, I am feeling dead, nothing else. My hypervigilance, my cortisol gets me going.

Not my pride, not my confidence, not my dreams. I am a mess and want to rush everything to feel safe. I am tired of never feeling safe. I am tired of never feeling balanced.

Of course, right now, especially these past few days, I haven’t been feeling safe at all and very anxious because a lot happened. I tried to relax twice and it worked. I need to keep pushing this part of me. It’s so easy to slip into these negative emotions and thoughts. It’s so easy to tell myself I am not gonna make it. But I have to fight. I know that is the only way to finally calm down the raging fire inside my stomach, the pain I feel in my throat. It’s all self inflicted. It is not myself not the rest of the world’s fault if I love you in such unhealthy ways. 

I wish I could be leaving everything behind. To have no one and nothing to worry about. To be free. I wish I could just go away and never come back. But it does not work like that. I have an avoidant personality disorder and I am fighting to get the life I was supposed to have back.

I am going back to school, I am confronting my mistakes, I am apologising, I am acknowledging. But I am still a mess. Tonight I need to meditate.

[personasintro]

my heart just breaks for kiko. suddenly knowing she has a baby while she felt so unready, having to hear it's unhealthy nd jus deciding to have an abortion— it's all just way too damn much for a person. on top of this, she had to deal with having to see her ex get w his best friend, then had to tell him she cheated bc she was scared, had to win back his trust all while being scrutinised for the cheating she never did.

she's truly the strongest nd my heart really breaks for her. i wish she never got back together with him, she doesnt deserve to be blamed for something she did out of fright. she doesnt deserve to feel guilty over that.

i hope she heals from all this. I can't imagine the mental anguish she went thru back to back, all because she was scared nd impulsive woman.

gosh she really doesnt deserve this, my heart is jus so so broken for her.

It wasn't proved the baby would be 100% unhealthy, there was just a chance the baby wouldn't be but I don't think it was the root of Kiko's decision :( it was too soon to diagnose anything more serious and obviously, I'm not a doctor but ultimately, Kiko panicked and felt as if she's not ready to deal with any of that

But yes, I feel sad for her too :(

[hyperfixationtimego]

Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Like

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d

[pantheon-god-of-war]

I made a post on Twitter and learned that Pantheon x Aphelios is a genuine ship like Aphelios x Sett is? Honestly I only ever cared about 200 years when I kicked his face in while ulting bot. I think his story while tragic is very isolating. So I went back to read through the lore of his again to make sure I remembered everything correctly from the first time I read it back when he was released. 

Now bare in mind I do not ship bash, if you like the ship more power to you, I won’t discourage anyone from shipping what they like. It’s all fiction. That said I will analyze the two of them and see if I can find some common ground from the lore material we have. 

Aphelios and Alune were both children of the Lunari and were heralded to be these great children of destiny for the lunar faith. From a young age they had all this weight thrust upon them to defend the Lunari as fighter and seer. This supposed great destiny, while it turned out to be true is quite brainwashing for young children and incredibly manipulative. It is stated that Aphelios had a very strong and deep connection with his sister which in turn hurt him when she was not there since he likely felt isolated and had severe problems fitting in with others. Its a common phenomenon that certain individuals who have a singular best friend or sibling suffer immensely when that person leaves and they are left to deal with others, much like some of us have most fiends online these days and desperately wait for said friends to get on so they will have company. It even says that without Alune his faith wavered, clearly tying him immensely to her so much that there is a dependency on her closeness that correlates to his effectiveness in combat or even as a functioning human being as it is said that he lost his very purpose. It seems like while Alune firmly believes in the Moon Aphelios believes in her and whatever she stands for, so will he. I don’t want to say Moon Simp here because they are brother and sister but in essence he very much does what she commands, even in game. Its a very unhealthy sort of hyper dependency as without her he just falls apart. 

In this desperation he comes across noctum on a spiritual journey and consumes it only to later understand that he is to live as a conduit for Alunes magic. I like this excerpt out of his story because it highlights the duality and the tragedy of their relationship. 

Only now did they understand their destiny. Aphelios would hollow himself out with pain, but would become a conduit for the moon’s power. Alune would live alone, isolated in her fortress, but she would guide her brother, able to see through his eyes.

While it is tragic it really takes away from his own character. He has no real will of his own at this point, Alune is faithful to the moon and guides him in any way she sees fit as she is the seer, he is merely the earthly vessel for her actions that are in the best interests of the Lunari. 

With Aphelios previously already being quite anti social as he only focuses on Alune this connection should amp it up tenfold. Imagine having the only person you really care about in your head constantly talking to you and telling you what to do so long you are under the painful influence of a harmful substance. It makes him the epitome of a living tool, because he does not speak or feel and because he is hyper fixated on his sister. When you hollow your body out with a poison that numbs you to all sorts of feelings there is really little sense for physical companionship as you have numbed yourself to the point of not being able to speak, with constant pain coursing through you. That is without Aphelios innate antisocial behavior

All and all this paints Aphelios as a silent killer who works alone, gets his missions either from Alune exclusively, or convenes with Lunari elders on what targets need to be eliminated. He very much reminds me of Agent 47, take the job, maximum efficiency, get it done, get the next job. His destiny or purpose is to serve the Lunari and keep them safe and anything that keeps him from achieving his singular purpose is either an obstacle or not worth his time. 

Pantheon is a whole new problem in that he hates everyone on the mountain, to varying degrees but still. His one big defining trait is that he stands up to the gods, aspects and darkin. He renounces the power of the aspects and the gods dominion over Targon and will fight nearly anything to follow his belief. He threatens Aurelion Sol, fights Xerath and generally just howls at every aspect ascended, demi god, or darkin there is. When mom told Atreus to pick his battles he simply said “I’ll pick em all” and off he went kicking everyone ass. 

Pantheons place in Targon is very uncertain. I said this before when he got reworked that this stance against the gods will put him at odds with everyone on Targon. The Solari and Lunari believe in their respective gods, the Rakkor or Targonians all believe in either of those gods or worship other constellations since in Targon this ascended magic is something to aspire too. People look up to the stars, ask them for guidance, read their fate in the stars, trust them and even pilgrim from every corner of the earth to worship and marvel at the gods. Pantheon would be at odds with every single person and while he won’t slaughter everyone I think the canonical thing for Pantheon to do is just leave mount Targon and fight other gods OR actually challenge and kill Leona, Diana Taric and so on. Which would be a very dark but also very possible path. Kill the aspects to show the masses that their gods do not save them and demand exponentially more than they ever return. For that Pantheon would have to end the Lunari and Solari faith and completely reshape the way people on Targon think about the stars, and as much as I love Pantheon I do not see that as something possible, nor do I see him as the kind of man who would force anyone to agree with him. He carries his rage and resentment but he will not force it upon another, rather confront the person responsible and settle it with them (the gods). 

Now Pantheon did fight with the Ra’Horak in his fight against Xerath. Where it was actually the Ra’Horak fighting Xerath before Pantheon arrived. I am guessing that was because the first sun disc was constructed in Nerimazeth and the Solari desired it for some reason, but I am getting off track here. Pantheon helped the Solari warriors, which leads me to believe that perhaps he can exist on Targon in a way. But with the circumstances I think it was more him fighting against Xerath. Since that thing was clearly a godlike entity that he was all but ready to kill. The Solari just happen to be there and he decided to aid the mortals fighting against a god, that does not mean he agrees with their beliefs. 

Had Aphelios fought Xerath, would Pantheon have helped? Sure, probably. I think Pantheon would also help Leona and Diana against Aatrox if they needed his help again. It’s all a matter of hierarchy. Who is the greatest threat and who is a lesser one. So I could see them working together against a greater common foe for sure but more I think not. 

His quote to Aphelios is at first glance more positive, but considering all the underlying character traits I think it is a little darker than what it at first implies. Pantheon knows that it is human destiny to fight for survival and only those strong and brave enough do not shy away from the pain and anguish that decision costs. Pantheon understands Aphelios motivation, why he fights, that does not mean he supports it. 

To Pantheon, Aphelios is a man so zealous and devoted to the moon that he would willingly forsake his humanity, poison himself and suffer for eternity so that he could enact the will of the moon, a god. This is going to really set of Pantheon’s past when the god of war possessed his body, forced him into the back of his own mind only to do what he wanted with Atreus flesh. That is the exact breaking point on why Pantheon and Aphelios will hardly ever see eye to eye. One of them a devoted zealot, willing to surrender it all in service to the moon, the other a warrior who despises the gods and their machinations above all else having once been at the mercy of one of them. With Aphelios added antisocial character I really doubt they would ever exchange much words. Perhaps Pantheon extends an olive branch and tries to get Aphelios to live for himself. But Aphelios would refuse, if no one else could sway him from this singular purpose in life which he has grown up with since his birth, this random warrior won’t be able to sway him either and here the line from Pantheon comes back in as a sort of, “I understand and hail your conviction.” before the fight, where he respects the resolve, but not the reason for it. 

That’s why I don’t think they are quite shippable. The only two people I could really see Aphlios with is either Diana or Taric. Diana only if she embraces her role as leader of the Lunari where she comes to appreciate what Aphelios does for her people but is worried about his own mental health, from one antisocial who has grown above it to another. She could perhaps understand and through said knowledge know how to help him open himself up more. That is if she cared enough. Taric on the other hand would feel the damage and pain in Aphelios, and as all life should be beautiful so would he try to mend Aphelios. He clearly has the warmth, care, compassion, and patience to deal with someone as secluded as Aphelios, gently prying him open until he finally lets himself feel again and maybe finally finds someone who can help him open up to other Lunari and Targonians. Isolation is a terrible thing and it leaves horrible scars. I see only Taric in a position where he could mend those scars. Pantheon likely would not care, he is cold and angered himself, no mercy for the strong, as he says. That’s why I think they would clash or would just never get past the cold nodding before combat phase. 

This isn’t to bash any people who like the ship, I just thought id give my two cent on Pantheon x Aphelios and why it never occurred to me to ship these two. I get that emo x himbo is a thing, probably also why Aphelios x Sett is so loved, but from a lore and character standpoint I don’t really see it. 

This was a post I’ll link to twitter, but if you have input or a different opinion I am always open to discussion and new viewpoints. Go crazy! 

[elyella]

I am a toxic fan...?

A lot of useless drama on twitter. A lot of worry and little certainty in the Waanjai community.

Many fans are considered toxic because they are afraid and contaminate others with their worries. There is fear for the future of this duo. We are afraid of losing them and we become paranoid.

On New Year's Eve, I will try to explain how and why I am among those who are worried. I don't want to cause more drama, but maybe my way of seeing the situation also represents the same way of thinking as some fans, who knows. And maybe people like me will realise that what they do is wrong if they understand the reasons behind their toxic behavior.

So. Voilà.

2020 has been a shitty year, let's be honest. For a lot of people on the planet.

But 2020 was an extraordinary year for MewGulf. Their career really took off. There are few artists for whom 2020 was a positive turning point in their career.

Do you realize? Not even a pandemic could stop MewGulf from arising.

I met them by chance in the midst of global confinement. They saved me. They brightened my dull days, they made me forget my anxieties. I was able to manage my stress and they distracted me from this pandemic, thanks to their presence. I became very attached to this duo because they managed to bring some light into my life. I think I am not the only one they have saved this year. 2020 has been shitty. A lot of people have turned to drugs, antidepressants and alcohol to deal with fear, anxiety and worry about the future. As for me, I have relied on MewGulf. They were the ones who played the role of antidepressants. And I am sure that this is also the case for many people on the planet. Throughout 2020, these people -unconsciously or consciously- relied on this duo to cheer them up.

The couple they form has acted on us as a balm on our hearts. Among this planet full of horrors, there were these two to prove to us that all was not black and dull. They made our days sunny.

For the needs of their jobs, playing the card of the very loving couple was not very difficult. We feel like they get along well, we feel this symbiosis, this chemistry that connects them. Throughout the year, they have maintained this flame that animates and unites them. This flame that warmed the hearts of us Waanjai.

We did not invent this flame. It is very real, but we have embellished it, we have glorified it and so much adored it... We have made it ardent, made it evolve into a powerful fire, full of passion. Because we are dreamers, because we are romantics. This relationship, this bond that unites them, is true, authentic, strong, but what we have done with it in our dreams and fantasies does not correspond to their reality.

It's very easy for a Waanjai to get lost in illusions, because what MewGulf give off when they are both together looks too much like this classic image of a loving and happy couple.

For me, it was the first time I have witnessed a relationship like this. I had never seen something like this before. A relationship that seems to be Love with a big L. But here it is -and they both sang it with this song; there's no qualifier to describe what connects them. There are no words to define what they are. So we poor fans relied on the first definition that could best describe what binds them together: Love. And we're not entirely wrong. They do love each other.

But it's a love that doesn't fit with what society has done with this feeling. MewGulf is beyond what the human being has defined as the standard of a relationship between two people who love each other. It has no name. We can not identify it, we just know it's powerful.

And fans feel that power. We're addicted to it. And we want more. More and more. But that's not going to happen. And we feel that too. And we're scared.  

Their journey as a duo is coming to an end soon, because the end of TTSS2 is coming. Their partnership will soon have no reasons to be. We can feel that both of them want to take on new challenges on their own. They love each other very much and are very grateful to each other. They are very aware that without each other they would not be at the top of glory today. But they don't want to stagnate. They want to move, to see new horizons. And it's normal to want to get to know new colleagues, it's normal to have new projects.

We understand that. We want the same thing. We don't want them to remain forever prisoners of roles that have propelled their careers. We want them to be able to evolve and grow.

The problem is that we want all this without them ever leaving each other. We want their happiness without them ever letting go of each other's hands. As they say in my language: "on veut le beurre et l’argent du beurre." But in order for them to fly away, they have to let go of each other's hands.

In order to spread their wings properly, they have to move away from each other. That's the way it is. But if they let go, we are scared that they will not return to each other. What we are afraid of is that they fly away to a different horizon and never come back.

We're afraid because we don't want to lose our antidepressants. We don't want to lose the MewGulf flame that warms our hearts. We don't want to lose those two angels who saved us, on a mental level. In any case, I do. I am worried that they are separated, I miss them every day that they are not together, because I am afraid that my remedy for anguish will disappear. If they loosen up, it's like I lose the medicine that helps me stay sane. How can I face this world in distress if these two are no longer together?

Obviously, it's an addiction that becomes unhealthy. Like the drug addict in need of his dose, like the alcoholic in need of his bottle, I need my dose of MewGulf to survive, it seems. And that's the case for other fans like me. When you don't get your daily dose, you start to hallucinate, you see dramas where there are none, you become paranoid by misinterpreting every word and every gesture these two commit. We poison our minds with false assumptions and many so-called fans take advantage of our weakness to confuse us even more.

I am afraid because I already saw a partnership/friendship/brotherhood like this fall apart. And I don’t want to see it happen again.

I so much like them to remain friends forever, to remain inseparable, to never quarrel, to remain a harmonious and luminous couple. I don't want their relationship to fade because for me they are the only thing that is pure, true and beautiful in this gray world full of bitterness and betrayal. If they break up, it is for me one more proof that everything always ends up withering, that all relationships that seem solid always end up dissolving. And I don't want to witness that. I don't want to witness a relationship that's headed for failure.

See? That's where my addiction is leading me today.

I too often forget that MewGulf is first and foremost two human beings, with their strengths and weaknesses, their faults and their qualities. They are not perfect.

So, for 2021, I wish myself, and I wish us all, to learn to wean ourselves off MewGulf. May this dependency diminish and disappear to make way for a healthier attachment to these two artists. They both deserve our unwavering support, but they do not deserve to be the instrument of our addiction.

And what I wish for both of them is to be able to do what they love for a long time. And to be able to find happiness and peace. And, of course, I wish them to continue to cherish their relationship, not to please us, but because they want to.

They have introduced us to something beautiful and unique by sharing with us their strong bond. Let us not tarnish this precious link with our negative thoughts.

Happy new year.

[shu-sakamaki]

Administrator, why did Shu become an extreme sadist?

((This is not an easy question to answer, but we need to go in-depth with triggering topics so... TW for this))

((First, let’s talk about Shu’s childhood; I think, along with me, everyone can agree Shu did not have the “worst” childhood out there (compare his to Ayato, Laito, and Subaru), hell... Shu’s childhood is a reality to plenty of people; I know it was mine))

((The worst that happened with Shu was Edgar’s death and the village going down in flames... As Shu described it; the smell of flesh and blood burning; wild dogs eating people’s corpses... We can easily say that such a thing is not something a child should go through))

((Well, but that was the one and only real “mental damage” situation Shu went through...))

((Why I’m mentioning it; because there are two theories about sadists - one, you are born as one; And two: You’re taught it, you learn it.))

((Let’s see what Dr. Allan Schwartz has to say about it   (link)

[...] One explanation is that the perpertrators of these horrors were harshly and constantly emotionally, physically and sexually abused during childhood. Unfavorable experiences during childhood or in early stages of sexual development are believed to be one of the major contributing factors in the development of a sadistic personality. 

It has also been observed that sadism or a sadistic personality can also get developed in an individual through learning. For instance, continually being exposed to situations in which sexual enjoyment or of excitement with the anguish of others can cause sadism or sadomasochism. In other words, the suffering of others gives pleasure and observing that suffering feels good.

((Well, I think Subaru and Laito have a lot more reason to be way more sadistic than Shu, right? Maybe Not...))

((Let’s talk about PERSONALITY DISORDER:))

“A personality disorder is a type of mental illness in which you have trouble perceiving and relating to situations and to people — including yourself. There are many specific types of personality disorders. In general, having a personality disorder means you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking and behaving no matter what the situation. This leads to significant problems and limitations in relationships, social encounters, work and school.” 

 Mayo Clinic

((Where I want to get with this? It is possible that Shu may have a Mental Disorder; non-assisted depression may cause, what we call multiple personality disorder, Shu has a posttraumatic experienced caused by the fire he witnessed years ago in Edgar’s village, that + the pain of losing his one and only friend - clearly caused a high Depression state in Shu that, obviously, was not attended by his mother.))

((Now, while Laito, Subaru and Ayato went through a lot more to “excuse” their sadism, Shu went through one only very intense experience...Let’s put their pain in perspective. Shu’s “pain” was to be too treasured, that was the worst to happen to him till then... Always so guarded, in his world so full of protection, “painful” and “ugly” things were always far from his reality... Till what happened to Edgar. Is like... Hit everything at once in one single blow. A huge impact with a mind that was too pure and not prepared to such a thing))

((So, in proportion, Shu’s trauma happened at once, with one single hit.  While Laito, Ayato, and Subaru grew up with it, dealing with it daily - each day getting “easier” till they could finally “blow” up.))

((Shu could never blow up... He finally did when he kills Reiji in HDB End2))

((Shu is depressed and has destructive thoughts of himself; he never shows any care if he will die or not, for him, to feel pain means you’re alive - To live, is to feel pain; to be in pain))

((So what makes Shu so “Horny” and sadistic... Is that he needs to see his S/O feel the pain to show him they’re alive. Because Pain=Life))

(( Now, why I mentioned the multiple personality disorder? Simple. This:

Shu and the Fire

((Shu is distant, calm and cool... Unreachable even. That is... Till he “returns” to his child self. An event we can easily see triggered by traumatic things such as Fire. Shu has this inner... Childish him still inside him whenever he panics; is also his “soft” side))

((Shu’s personality changes from water to wine whenever he triggers. He gets more emotional.))

((Shu shows a completely different character, he has two very opposite extremes. The one that cares enough to make him murder his brother, father, and uncle... And his “other” extreme, the completely listless one))

((Not even Shu is aware of his inner struggle, as well shown here:

((Shu is completely confused as to why he jumped in to save the MC, and why he just kissed her afterward. He doesn’t know why))

((Shu is not in touch with himself, he doesn’t understand well his own feelings and emotions... He has two, completely, opposite extremes - How can one be so listless, but next, care so much he shields someone with his own body?))

((That is why Reiji says Shu “never changed”))

((Followed by a comparison between Adult Shu and Child Shu - Again, showing Shu under so much stress that he revert to his “child self”))

((Shu’s extreme sadistic side is, imo, a result of a dissociative disorder caused by a trauma that left him fragmented))

((Shu is fragmented))

((Is how I interpreted his character... But, once he finally explodes by killing Reiji, Shu feels like a huge weight is off of his shoulders...  We see Shu in peace with himself. He is aware of his reason, his worth... He is finally in touch with himself, knows he belongs.))

((I think Shu killing Reiji was even symbolic - Is like killing everything that “went wrong” with his life till that moment.))

((Shu assumed a personality to hide from others... And during it, he lost himself to it. Is what people usually do when they go through traumatic experiences.))

((So, why is Shu so extremely sadistic? Probably a Mental disorder, because his posttraumatic disorder + depression scarred him, was not accompanied, causing Shu to see things distorted - Pain= Life. You’re alive, you feel pain... I want you alive. So, please, scream in pain for me))

[aching-tummies]

Have you ever dealt with food-restriction or ED or whatever?

I really debated answering this one. I understand that it's a sensitive topic for a lot of people, and I do go into some personal details with my struggles, so I'm going to put most of that under a cut.

I know a lot of blogs have something like "we do not stan ED in this house" and that's the extent of their address on the topic and some get pretty angry if anyone even mentions ED around them. I get it, it's a triggering topic and it can be unhealthy and maybe hearing about it or seeing it or whatever pushes someone (back) into bad habits. I understand all that. In my opinion though, shutting down the topic is problematic. I believe that destigmatization saves lives--and not just for ED. Making it a dirty little secret and something one feels ashamed of talking about or struggling with creates more problems. It doesn't go away just because someone feels they cannot talk about it. I'm on the side of destigmatization--where "how are you" is an actual question rather than a casual greeting where "good" or "great" are the only acceptable answers. No--it's supposed to be a question and we shouldn't have to feel ashamed when we are going through crap. Maybe neither party has time to get into it then and there and maybe the other party isn't comfortable/or the right person to go to with those particular issues...but "how are you" is supposed to be a genuine question, not a greeting.

Short answer to whether or not I've dealt with food-restriction or ED: yes.

I don't want to invite drama onto my blog with this...but I think it's time I said something on the topic. For one, I'm sick of how people go "we don't stan ana on this blog--GTFO"  and leave the discussion at that. I don't think that is healthy. People that actually struggle with EDs and Ana maybe want to get help...but professional/formal help is not always accessible and not necessarily always the right tool for what they are going through in that moment. I understand that EDs are unhealthy and I am not trying to glorify them...but I want to say that I care about the people struggling with the stuff and I admire their resilience. There's enough shaming going on around the world and I'm not going to dish it out to someone struggling with an ED. I'm not going to make it out to be something that's taboo to talk about like it's some dirty little secret. I want to de-stigmatize it. I want a world where someone can be like, "I struggle with food/eating and I had a setback last night" and those of us listening can be like, "Alright. Is there something you need/want me to do with that information? How can I help?" Currently, I see a lot of, "Shh! That's a triggering topic! Do you want to set off all the other ED suffer-ers in here?! Don't talk about that noise!" even in my IRL friend groups and I think it's just sad. These are the same friends that are constantly reblogging, "It's okay to not be okay" and “I’m a safe person to tell stuff to” stuff but clearly they don't believe that.

The way I see it, living with EDs is like living with a pet alligator. It was once small and cute and early on maybe you made one choice: you chose to keep it. Great...well, now it's grown and it's a problem and you don't know what to do with a full-grown alligator that eyes you like you're it's next meal. Who do you talk to when everyone shuts you down and maybe there isn't an "animal control" number you can reach out to because it's expensive or it doesn't exist in your area or they're so over-booked that you'll be alligator-chum before they get to you? That's how I see ED. It's terrifying but it's still 'your' pet alligator, even if you feel more like it's pet human at times.

Onto the personal aspects.

I've never been officially diagnosed with an ED and I don't believe I've ever done something that's extremely dangerous on this front. That being said I have (and sometimes still do) struggle with intrusive thoughts about my body.

I'm "average" sized...maybe on the bigger side of average in North America...however, there's a different standard in Asian culture. Like the "Asian F". I was always told I was supposed to be smaller. I was supposed to be no more than 5'3, no more than 110lbs, have a bust no bigger than 34C, and be able to fit into anything marketed to teens and up. Yeah...I'm none of that.

I'm going to try not to rant and get angry and upset...so here goes, take 7 on trying to answer this.

I grew up surrounded by judgmental adults. I eat and I'm fat; I refuse to eat or eat less and I'm exhibiting worrisome behavior. My take away: I bring dishonour on my cow no matter what I do. Sure, there are those that'll be like, "they'll judge me whether I eat or not so I may as well eat some good food"...yeah...that's not me. Choosing to skip the meal and the company entirely is the only way I feel/felt like I 'win'...but as a child that wasn't an option.

I mostly ate alone in University, but my brain filled in for the silence of judgmental comments. If I ate my whole lunch in one sitting I'd get upset with myself. I'd pack smaller portions and I'd be aware they were smaller, but I'd still be upset with myself for finishing it...or even finishing it and still being hungry. If I caved and bought a sugary drink or a snack or something because it looked good, I'd scold myself for using up the food budget as well as the calories budget. I used to break apart individual cookies--one cookie would take 3-4 sittings/days for me to allow myself to finish because I'd only allow myself two fractured pieces at a time. Some days, i.e. weekends, I'd intentionally skip a meal or two and rationalize that I was simply indulging in kink and that I'd eat later. I always did end up eating later and going about my life as normal. "Fasting once in a while is supposed to be healthy", I'd tell myself...but I won't deny that there was some part of me that would tell me that every skipped meal and calorie ignored was gradually working toward shrinking my body.

Despite how it sounds, I wasn't actually doing noticable damage to my body. Physically, I was within the realm of healthy...maybe on the bigger side of average and definitely not mentally sound...but my body was fine. My body didn't change--I didn't gain or lose weight. I ate...I just felt bad about it and beat myself up about it. In retrospect, it was a heck of a lot of mental anguish I did to myself with nothing to show for it.

Life after University is pretty stressful. Stress doesn't agree with my tummy so I got (and still get) frequent upset stomachs. I've become pretty conscious of eating and how my stomach feels so I end up being careful to eat less so that there is less to upset my tummy. I do it because an upset stomach is inconvenient...but I do enjoy the fact that it seems I have lost a little weight. Losing weight isn't a big part of my rational though. My coworkers have mentioned that I look thinner. I don’t see much of a change when I look in the mirror...but my belt does up two notches tighter without too much fuss so I guess I have slimmed down just a smidge. I didn't intend to lose weight, I just cut down on eating because I didn't want to deal with so many upset stomachs...I think I'm allowed to enjoy the unintentional weight loss without it being a problem...but if I had a problem then I guess what I think about this situation doesn't count for much.

I wish I was thinner--just enough to fit into acceptable sizes in the women's section. Enough to not feel like "the big one" when among my friends. I don't idealize the extremes of weight-loss...like...I don't want to be able to count my ribs or have my joints be wider around than my biceps or whatever. And I don't feel like I'm obsessed with losing weight/being thinner. It's something I want...but I also want a burrito and a can of Cola. I tend to partake more than I deny myself nowadays...just in smaller portions. I’ll still get mad at myself for indulging...but I do indulge and try to lessen the mental kicking by splitting things between two meals or something. I still break apart my cookies and eat them over the course of a couple of days...but most of that is because I run out of time to enjoy the treat or because I want to ration it so that I don't have to spend money to buy another one every single time. I don't try to count calories and all that. I still see eating less as a good thing...but I'll still eat a decent portion...I won't pick at my food rather than eat it.

My opinion here, but I don't think I'm unhealthily obsessing over weight and body issues and stuff. They're a part of my life but I don't think they do enough to be super problematic at this stage in my life.

And now onto the tie-in with the content on this blog. I've answered quite a few asks about how I feel about 'stuffing' and the thing that rhymes with "Geight Wain" with "for reasons I don't want to share, I'm not comfortable with that stuff". Most of the reasons I was thinking of for those asks is covered in the personal stuff above. I'm not comfortable with stuffing and the big "double-u gee" because for all of my life I've felt or internalized some judgements about body size and weight. It's very upsetting for me. It's also why I hate a lot of the degradation talk and things mentioning chub or fat or rolls or whatever--because it brings be back to being a kid sitting amongst judgmental adults feeling ashamed of how much of the universe’s matter I took up. If other people like those tags they're free to do so...I just don't want that sort of thing shoved into my face or imposed onto me because it makes me feel bad and makes me remember bad times. I’m into tum-kink and stuff and would love to indulge IRL with an actual partner someday...but I don’t think I will ever be comfortable with putting on weight or even RPing something like that. The thought of getting bigger terrifies me and it’s not something I want encouragement for personally. You do you if that’s what you’re into...just leave me out of it.