romanekov

[romanekov]

What I knew saved me, sort of. Knowledge is power. It’s true. As soon as he was gone I wanted to get high. I felt, I feel so lonely in this city. I don’t have a sense of community and I have so much social anxiety. This is the reason why I want to get high. I used to tell myself so many lies. That I was doomed, that I was borderline, depressed and worse. I used to say “Im fucked up because of my childhood”, I used to think that depression was a disease. Now I have all this awareness about what I need to stop these so called mental illnesses. My heart is full with this relationship, with my pets, where I decided to go with my professional life. So I feel so much better than before. Im less broke and less broken. But I still miss having friends. I don’t know how to exist without being useful. I guess you can’t really be lovable without being useful to some degree. But my worthiness shouldn’t be depending only on what I can contribute to. I should just be existing and be fine with it. I guess I must give anxiety to people because I don’t know what to do, or say. Everyday I have to choose to be fine. It’s definitely hard when it doesn’t come naturally to you. It’s so weird to chose to be fine instead of waking up fine. I’m so sensitive to caffeine that a little bit of macha gets me extremely happy and excited. When it wears off it’s no fun. 

When it comes to you I have the most difficult time going with the flow. I’ve been wondering for a long time now if your problem were more psychological than physiological. I would hope so, even though those are connected. But it’s not like I can make you meditate. All I can do is provide the safest place for you. I fucked up in the past and I carry all this guilt around when look at your big green eyes. You know it’s a vicious circle. It’s hard no to react to each and every crises you have. Im scared to lose you and you don’t understand that, not fully. 

Sometimes it scares me to think how sensitive I am. I wonder if I would lose my mind, how much, how much more, if something really bad happene? The more I learn about the mind and the body, the more power I realise I have and I wish I could still play the victim, let myself, my mind go. But I am so much stronger than I thought. I think that’s what surprises me the most right now. I am not the smartest, but I am smarter than I thought. And it’s hard to realise all my believes about myself are wrong. That I have this flame inside of me and that nothing would destroy me the way I thought it would. In the past I use to lay down on my couch and get high on codeine to numb the pain. And then somehow, I would get up again. It got worse, then better. Now it never gets that bad anymore. 

I have a few rules I should establish for myself :

1- Never think that what you’re feeling at night is true. I tend to stress out so much at night. My anxiety and distorted sense of reality gets the absolute best of me.

2- You too often want to make your narrative the reality. Every time you meet someone, that a change occurs, that something is even slightly off, your mind goes to the worst case scenario. And you know what ? The worst case scenario might as well happen. It’s called life. You decide if it’s gonna get the best of you.

3- Your pain comes from the fact that you don’t even analyse your negative feelings. You just complain and try to distract yourself or pretend you are fine. Well, guess what. YOU ARE NOT FINE. Not always. Everybody has bad days. That’s how it’s supposed to work. You want to get better ? Start by letting the bad feelings existing and analysing them. Bad days are normal. Normalise them.

4- You carry the burden of wanting to be there for everyone. Well, first it’s a distortion of your job. You can’t be the wise woman at all time. The saviour, the psychologist, the coach. You don’t have all the answers even though I might add you pretty much figured life out. I mean, Im not 100% sure because I haven’t been through the hardest time of my life yet, but I think by now I get a good portion of the meaning of life right. 

5- Society makes people, especially women feel like getting old sucks. We live in a patriarchal and capitalist society that makes everyone feel like they are never doing enough or never having enough. Well, enough of that bullshit. I mean when I think about how miserable I was when I was younger, going shopping every week-end, caring so much about my appearance... I still care a lot about my appearance though but that’s also my job at the moment. + I never really liked my face but there is always room for improvement.

6- You always want to control people around you and hypothetic future. It’s just absolutely fucking ridiculous how you’re giving everyone anxiety by caring too much. Don’t get me wrong, you’re allowed to love people around you with your whole heart. But again... there is a difference between loving someone and being constantly scared of losing someone. And always making sure that people know they’re loved is not having to touch them and cross their boundaries all the time. Because you’re just trying to analyse their reaction to you in order to notice any subtile change that would make think they reject you.  You’re trying to reinsure yourself, not them. Loving someone is not worrying about losing them all the time. It’s about existing side by side, interacting when necessary, detaching your identity from them. Not completely of course. Just finding a balance.

7- Find more time to get bored. Find more time away from your phone. Less time playing guitar or drawing or accomplishing anything in hope that other will like the result. It totally kills your creativity. You just annoyed because you never gonna be a freaking superstar. Why do you want to be a superstar, the best of the best at everything ? Why is life an endless competition ? Im tired of pretending winning fulfils me. I am running after an endless desire of being needed, admired instead of being loved. I’m running after dopamine and always wondering what’s next. Enough of that shit. You don’t need to be the best, you need to try your best.

8- Let go. Just fucking let go. Every single time you’re circling over and over again around a negative feeling, it’s because you don’t analyse it so you can’t let go of it. You don’t let go because you chose to look at what you can’t control. And also because you’re afraid that if you let go, it means it wasn’t meaningful. Because you’re scared of being empty deep down. It would confirm all too well what your shitty childhood made you feel like you deserved. Every freaking time you actually let go, it feels so much lighter on your shoulder. You are allowed to fall and go back on your horses, then fall again. It’s called the healing process. Better practice that on small things of the ordinary before you have to let go of something bigger. Letting go is awesome. Go with the flow. 

I always knew it was about balance. From a very young, even as fucked up as I was, I always knew I wanted balance. Not happiness. Just a sense of safety in every situation. The idea that yeah, I can handle it. That the narrative of me being sensitive didn’t mean I was fragile. I am not fragile. I experience higher, more intense feeling. It doesn’t mean I can’t go back to a safe baseline once these strong feelings made their time inside me. And just knowing that should make them less intense already.

9.... you’re safe. You made it. Life is beautiful and ugly. Happy and tragic. When I think about all the absolutely horrifying situation I used to put myself through even when I moved to Canada, all of this mess, I realise how different I am now. Because I live with myself everyday I don’t really have a clear awareness of how much I changed, but I did. People around me did to. For the worst or the better. We always change. It hurts me to see people I care about not changing in the right direction, like my sister. But I can’t really do anything about it except telling them Im there for them. That I love them. 

xx Romane to Romane

[romanekov]

I am upset

I need to write here today, after a long time. I am upset. I am sad. Frustrated.  I try to tell myself these things : your perspective is wrong, you need more mental flexibility, something you preach on social media. You need to take more action, to complain less. To stop victimising yourself. To stop being on constant survival mode. To stop feeling unsafe.

I look back and I know I’ve been worse. Way worse. Dysregulated, depressed. Today I just want to scream “I wish life could stop fucking  with me for more than a few weeks”. In that house away from everything I felt relaxed. But I can’t control events. I can’t control your health as much as I want. I can’t deal with uncertainty. I can’t deal with the unknown, the anguish wait, the pain that pierces my heart every time I think about you.

I think about you and I don’t know what to do. You are an extent of myself. I don’t have a normal response regarding your health because I convinced myself along the way, after 10 years, that we were inseparable souls. I am never at my best, constantly in fear that something bad is gonna happen to this part of me that loves me unconditionally, that beautiful, sweet, funny, loving, cuddly, soft, part of me that I love to kiss million times. It’s so painful. I can not think or relax or digest or sleep properly. My hypervigilance is connected to you. I’m not feeling alive but not dead. But if you are not here anymore, I am feeling dead, nothing else. My hypervigilance, my cortisol gets me going.

Not my pride, not my confidence, not my dreams. I am a mess and want to rush everything to feel safe. I am tired of never feeling safe. I am tired of never feeling balanced.

Of course, right now, especially these past few days, I haven’t been feeling safe at all and very anxious because a lot happened. I tried to relax twice and it worked. I need to keep pushing this part of me. It’s so easy to slip into these negative emotions and thoughts. It’s so easy to tell myself I am not gonna make it. But I have to fight. I know that is the only way to finally calm down the raging fire inside my stomach, the pain I feel in my throat. It’s all self inflicted. It is not myself not the rest of the world’s fault if I love you in such unhealthy ways. 

I wish I could be leaving everything behind. To have no one and nothing to worry about. To be free. I wish I could just go away and never come back. But it does not work like that. I have an avoidant personality disorder and I am fighting to get the life I was supposed to have back.

I am going back to school, I am confronting my mistakes, I am apologising, I am acknowledging. But I am still a mess. Tonight I need to meditate.

[romanekov]

[romanekov]

[romanekov]

to move on

eveything i didnt wanted to aknowledge happened

u told me it was special when it wasnt

u waited for the right one

[romanekov]

devinette

whats the difference between me and the man downstairs ? comfort. cold. security 

ur so stupid u decided to be the same but less comfy 

[romanekov]

anxiety

depression

dismorphophobia

social anxiety

giving up

can’t see my purpose

Im not looking for love anymore

I am a toxic product 

I was denying 

I thought you were my solution

You’re only the perception I want to give myself of you You’re nothing Im empty and done 

[romanekov]

Ce qui fait le buzz en ce moment

Page blanche comme quand j’essaie de créer une chanson avec le microphone en marche.  “Are you okay ? - Don’t  worry you’re free - That wasn’t my question. - I think it was.” Un être surnaturel essaie-t-il de couper mon imagination et de me frustrer ? Est-ce que c’est mon cerveau ?  Personne ne me verra jamais telle que je suis. L, tu es inquiète par tes amants. Voit-elle au-delà ? Ta tête bourdonne de toute l’affection que ton père t’a arraché lorsque tu étais enfant.  Tu es une baignoire trop remplie, comme moi. Vois-tu au-delà ? M, tu es toxique. Tu es malheureuse, mal dans ta peau, anxieuse du temps qui passe. Tout ne s’est pas déroulé selon tes plans. Tu cherches à cocher tes cases avant la fin. Mari parfait, celui qui te comblera à chaque jour, cultivé, fidèle, loyal, aimant, virile, compréhensif. IL n’existe pas, les hommes font semblant.  Pourquoi avons-nous la capacité d’avoir une conscience puisqu’il n’y a aucun but à être ici ? Je tourne en rond mais je n’ai pas les facultés intellectuelles d’un poisson rouge. Pourquoi consommer, quand lorsque tu es seul chez toi, tout est de travers. Pourquoi faire semblant aux yeux de tout le monde ? Pourquoi tout le monde met un masque le matin ? Tu sais bien qu’au-delà de ta nouvelle table basse et de ta veste de marque, il n’y a que le néant qui t’attend ?

“Are you okay ? - Don’t  worry you’re free - That wasn’t my question. - I think it was.” J’aimais faire semblant de tout près de toi. 

[romanekov]

Je songeais tu sais, que rien n’est comme au cinéma. Lorsque l’on a mal, les souvenirs ne surviennent pas, les flashbacks tout ça, ça existe pas. La pellicule s’est brouillée et maintenant me restent ces sensations, celle des lendemains de nuits trop alcoolisées. Tu es ce membre fantôme que je sens encore au creux de la main. Celui dont on m’a emputé sans prévenir, un matin. J’aimerais te dire que c’est pas grave, que j’ai un bon docteur, que l’assurance paiera les dommages.  Mais tu sais ça coûte un bras, un coeur, ce genre de carnage, et non Madame vous n’avez pas souscrit à l’option 52A, celle qui stipule que vous êtes couverte quand il s’en va. Il est 23 heures, et je marche sur les quais, j’aimerais encore que tu m’emmènes danser, que tu sautes dans les flaques d’eau à pied joints, que je fasse encore semblant que tout va bien. 

[romanekov]

Mon coeurs se tord. C’est les souvenirs de toi qui m’aveugle. J’ai si peur de découvrir que j’avais tord, tu sais. Mon cerveau se brouille. C’est le vide vertigineux qui m’aveugle. J’ai si peur de découvrir que j’avais tord, tu sais. Ma vue se floute. C’est cette petite larme qui m’aveugle. J’ai si peur de découvrir que j’avais tord, tu sais.

[romanekov]

There are so many things to see. There are so many things to learn. There are so many people in this world. In a weird way, it is so hard to find your thing. I don’t have my thing. I try tones of things Im only average at. And thats how I see myself. I do stuff but there is no passion to fulfill. I will always feel empty. I hate to work.

I just wanna feel perfect. I just wanna feel okay. I just wanna feel something. Im having a panic attack right now  And in those moments I don’t know WHY should I continue.

[romanekov]

Titre

Il est 1:31, je fixe le plafond en pensant à la dernière fois. Ce frisson qui me parcoure, je pense, il est un peu comme toi. Comme la main que tu passais dans mes cheveux avant de fermer les yeux.    Il est 13:22, son regard transperce mon écran. Une publicité à la con interrompt ce moment si important.  Je sers mon téléphone, mes mains voudrait l’exploser pour ne pas hurler.  Il est 3:34 dans les draps, j’ai chaud, puis j’ai froid. J’ai beau chercher, je ne comprends pas pourquoi je suis là.  J’essuie mes larmes d’un revers de main brusque comme une gifle.  La gifle c’est toi. La gifle c’est lui. La gifle c’est moi.

[romanekov]

[romanekov]

‘l’étranger’

[romanekov]

please don’t fall in love with me

i am so very broken, and i don’t want to break you too.

[romanekov]

[romanekov]

and fucking drown me 🖤