#undoing indoctrination

[a-gay-bloodmage]

Day 3: To Shut Her Mouth

(Sera x Kiora Trevelyan)

After another evening of pressing their bodies together, Sera asks Kiora Trevelyan what knocking bits was like back in the Circle. A part of her wishes that she never asked.

Written for the @loveofdragonage event!

[larissel]

people who hate on lae'zel are weak and won't survive the coming winter.

[comradecowplant]

might be controversial but imo the droves of usamericans exploring a chinese-centric app and having decades of propaganda start to fall away in less than 48 hours is a greater overall net-good advancing of revolutionary (to be clear though it is NOT that serious, certainly not at this point) conditions than the lone vigilante CEO shooter

[ramblings-of-lola]

If Matthias had lived, how often would thoughts surrounding the world-view of the Druskelle appear in his mind?

When he sees Jesper or Nina or another Grisha use their powers, would he tense and think "unholy"?

Would he see a kefta and incisively reach for a weapon that wasn't there anymore?

When he heard the howl of wolves, would his head snap up as he looked for his former Druskelle brothers?

When he sees Inej praying to the Saints, would he narrow his eyes and think "blasphemy"?

When he sees Kaz do a sleight of hand trick or something cruel, does he still think "demjin"?

[feeshies]

oh no i'm starting to think livius and sunny would be cute together

[weisscreamcake]

former coworker/friend hasn’t talked to me since i posted on ig saying if you voted trump delete me and never speak to me again which. hmm.

[pirateshelly]

One thing that really fascinates me about interview with the vampire (the show) is this sort of tension between power and powerlessness in all of the characters. Because it doesn't present becoming a vampire as something that just gives you power and magically makes you completely detached from all human concerns and struggles.

And that seems to be something Lestat does very much want to believe, and he's in enough of a position of privilege that he's able to convince himself it's true, and it's a fundamental area where he just cannot understand Louis because Louis CAN'T pretend even if he wants to. (And of course Lestat cannot ACTUALLY separate himself from "human troubles" the way he likes to think he can, he just has an easier time pretending than most). Because as much as becoming a vampire grants these characters supernatural power it doesn't just magically take away the very tangible human ways that they were previously vulnerable or powerless.

Becoming a vampire doesn't negate Louis' struggles with racism; in some ways it amplifies them with how he is alienated from his own family and community; his closest connection becomes Lestat. He loses his economic independence and becomes socially dependent on Lestat in a way he wasn't to anyone as a human because in some ways becoming a vampire made him MORE vulnerable, despite granting him physical strength/speed/etc. The promise of freedom in vampirism Lestat presents to Louis (that I do think he does genuinely mean, but "freedom" means very different things to Louis than it does to Lestat) is never fulfilled.

Likewise Claudia learns the hard way with Bruce and later with the coven that she may be a vampire but the world still looks at her and sees a vulnerable young black girl and that will always put her in danger.

Claudia rescues Madeleine then turns her into a vampire, but rather than protect her from future harm the "crime" of turning her becomes the very thing that gets her killed by yet another angry mob.

And 514 years as a vampire will never be enough for Armand to truly trust or believe in his own power. Because the first 200 or so years of his life he was literally never once allowed any agency at all over his own identity or his own body (child slave sold to a brothel, sold to an abusive master, captured and violently indoctrinated into a vampire cult for centuries). No amount of material strength and power is going to undo the psychological effects of that. (And I know some people like to read his frequently passive demeanor as simply manipulation and a way of catching people off guard (because how could someone so old and powerful possibly feel a genuine sense of fear/vulnerability/etc 🙄) but to me that's an incredibly disingenuous reading of him. But that's a different rant for another time!). Being a vampire does not save him from being horrifically abused, nor does it save him from the lasting emotional effects of that abuse.

And I think there's something interesting to be said about the way that, in order to survive safely, they have to feed on the most vulnerable members of society (people undesirable and therefore least likely to arouse suspicion) in order to go unnoticed. If they want to live they have to prey on those vulnerable in possibly the same ways they themselves once were (and in many ways still are).

There's a frequent argument I dislike that we shouldn't be viewing any of these characters through too human of a lense because they're literal monsters (to be honest it's an argument I see most often made when people simply don't want to talk about the show's complex depiction of racism/misogyny/abuse/etc and used to dismiss those as issues "too human" to be relevant to a story about a bunch of monsters with a supposedly alien sense of morality), but I think the show itself makes a huge argument that for these characters there is no escaping or separating themselves from the very human struggles and vulnerabilities that marked them before they ever became vampires. It's like a sort deconstructed power fantasy.

[veiled-harvest]

Not so Ill-fated | viltrumite! Mark Grayson x Eve! reader (Prologue)

WARNINGS: Temporary Angst, Major Character death, light Gore Description, Minor OOC

You and Mark have been together for nearly 30 years in this universe. The duration of your relationship has been tested by the universe countless times. What happens when your happy ending gets destroyed? How far are you willing to go to undo the past and survive the present? The reader is in Eve’s shoes in this AU, Same powers, Back story, etc.

Author's Note: Hi. I haven't written fanfiction in years, and I will give it a shot via Tumblr. There are Slight spelling mistakes, but I promise those will improve over time. Hope you enjoy. Leave a comment if you'd like; if not, that's fine too. Thank you for reading <3

~ S

You knew what you did was wrong.

It went against all moral code—it was utterly selfish. Tampering with the natural order of time is something only an idiot would do. Luckily for Mark, you are an idiot. 

Back before you watched your loved ones be slaughtered, before he grew, changed, before the birth of your daughter, your son. Before your wedding, before he made you a promise, before your eyes ever met. This blemish in time was your everything. A masterpiece sewn in the stars. One you willingly unraveled all on your own, for his sake. 

Years of indoctrination intricately melded with the being of your love. All the disagreements and suffering you both endured connected you. He promised to change for you and the family you wanted to build. Every day, he tried many times, and of course, he failed, yet every glimpse of your softened smile fueled him to work for your acceptance. The cultural difference went further than morals, but that grueling exchange you both underwent to grow closer could circle the sun a thousand times over. 

It beats your being with the crushing weight of reality.

Your flame had burned out in your arms. Your children were, in a literal sense, scattered around you. The room was quiet, and it reeked of your kinfolk. How could they smell? How could they smell so horrid and putrid after only a few minutes? You could barely breathe; it was a miracle you'd manage this grasp on your husband for so long. Any medical examínaor would have assumed your strength alone drained the color from his face, but you were holding on to your lifeline: the only man in the entire galaxy you could rely on. 

He gifted the children. 

Mark gifted you his devotion, his heart, his soul

He gifted you his life 

And you couldn't protect it. You were weak compared to the intergalactic threats Mark shielded you from routinely. Yet you held his lifeless being tighter than you've ever held anything and sobbed. 

You couldn't move. You cried in terror at the sight around you—until "help" arrived. They quickly collected you, what's left of your children, and they came for Mark. You didn't let go at first, only silently pleaded, 'No.' goosebumps engrave into your skin, like a burning scar. 

They say you cried so hard you lost your voice, yet even after you lost your voice, you still managed to cry. You didn't eat or sleep. You layaway in your lover's shared bed and let your sadness stain the sheets. Your lover's fragrant sheets intoxicated you, and you begged to be consumed by the aroma. You sometimes forgot to exhale, choking yourself on the cotton and silk, desperately attempting to be one with the fabric as he once was. 

This shallow march of your grief wasn't a way to live, and it wasn't a way to continue his legacy. 

The entire Viltrum empire was new to this level of grief. Nolan, dressed in royal attire, laid his only heir to rest, killed you even more, knowing you saw it all. You were there when the most crucial person in your life passed. Traditionally, they would have slaughtered you as well, but they all knew how deep your devotion went to Mark. Dishonor is not a custom to Viltrumites, but with Nolan leading, it became one, and they allowed you to mourn. 

But you couldn't do this anymore. Your body wouldn't even accept dying at your hands due to the shame and guilt. Instead, it was easy to get to your core. You barely ate or slept. All your time went into how you would save Mark, or at least try. 

You spent days searching for a solution, cloning, and even regenerating from what's a little research's corpse. Somehow, you had an idea, but you couldn't act alone.

With barely enough clothes on your back, you step out of the room you shared with him. The air was heavy and thick but empty at the same time. He was all over, in photos, in gifts, the cleanliness of his side, untouched since he was alive, you couldn't bear to move it, not even an inch, what if he was to come back? Mark detested it when people moved his things. You moved into action, speaking to every alien who would listen and contacting the one man you knew could fix all this.  

"Nolan?" It's not him, but you incidentally ran into him. His son stood over you, and so did he. He looked as awful as you did, if not worse. Mark was more than a mission. He was his son. His only son.

You shared a look, one of certainty. As if you silently swore to bring him back. With a heavy hand, he patted your shoulder gently and kept walking down the hallway. Aimlessly. His tall frame vanishes in the dead of night. A 'sorry' almost left your lips. But you must have said that a million times already.

Levy Angstrom

You always knew he would come in handy, even after what he did to that other Mark. You bet that Mark was happy and safe. 

Alive 

Thriving 

It made your blood boil. But you knew it was wrong, especially given who your Mark was or used to be. 

Connecting with the super mega 'genius' didn't take too long. Angstrom knew who you were and had no ill will toward you, but your affiliation with your Mark made him question whether you were as intelligent as you claimed. Alarmed by your desperation, he still heard you out. 

"Y/N, this is possibly the dumbest idea anyone has ever had. Do you understand what you are asking of me?" You held your breath. You scanned the room for an answer, and your eyes met with certainty. 

"I do. I know we have our differences, but you must humor me. You've done just as much damage as Mark has done. Do you think it causes any further harm? Who will stop us? It could open so many doors for you as well. What more could you lose?" 

"You're asking me to help you rewrite history. You're asking to displace yourself in time ."

"I'm asking you to separate us. I would like to know if you can help me find a way to prevent our paths from ever crossing. Please. Levy, I'm unsure what to do with myself without him. I'm in anguish-"

"And I am not?"

"I didn't mean it like that, but you owe it to me."

"I owe you nothing."

"No. No! You owe me this." The argument lasted hours, and there was an endless list of pros and cons, yet long pages of things that would go wrong. He said he'd advise his superiors, given he couldn't help you on his terms. 

As he did this, you wondered. Explore the base you snuck on. You marked on the walls so you wouldn't get lost in the countless corridors and somehow managed to end up in the prison ward. There, you saw many species of creatures, a mix of humanoids among them. 

One caught your eye—a female, Goddess-like being. Her aura physically illuminated the space, and a faint warmth radiated from her. Colors you'd never seen ruminated off the walls. Yet not a single part of you managed to look away. She was breathtaking. With flowing white hair, layers of white clothing, and an inhumane OPEC-like white complexion, you've never seen anything so bright and pure. 

"I would be able to help you with the task you've presented to Levy. An impossible ask for someone in his regard."

"How did you-"

"I can see all my child; I can see and feel the pain after losing him. I could feel it the moment you touched down."

"And what exactly are you?"

"That is not a concern given the lack of time you possess," she teasingly admitted, leaving you perplexed. You were fixated on her physique; she sat so out of place behind those bars. She seemed far too content, given her position. 

"You are one of many, but you are the first of yours to encounter me."

"Fine, since you know all the details, let us cut to the chase-"

"Of course, simply be cautious of your desire. " 

"Be careful what you wish for; if you insist, I will give you what you seek."

"I'm only hoping you don't deserve to be in here."

"Ha, let's not talk about what you think others deserve. Assist me, child." You hesitated, but proceeded to pry open the bars and extended a hand towards the omniscient being as multiple alarms and footsteps approached you from all corners. 

"Y/N, what in God's name are you doing?" Levy spat as he cowered behind three scarily butchered figures. They had no emotion; they stood idly by as their guards surrounded the two of you. 

"Keeping my word."

Her grip, in return, had strengthened, nearly shattering your bones. Her eyes had shifted. Empty pupils turned to tiny stars. She shoved her face an inch away from yours, and a cold breath passed her lips. 

"Be careful what you wish for." Without warning or hesitation, she grabbed you and busted through the ship's exterior. The freezing lack of air assaulted your lungs. You weren't breathing. It was painful, but all you could picture was your family. All you thought about was Mark. 

The nameless entity held you by the arm and shared a glimpse of annoyance. 

"Relax, child. Give me a moment," she said, lifting her arm. Reality shifted and turned in every direction, making you a bit sick, but you were at least finally able to breathe. 

"I brought you here, to the edge of the universe, to uphold my part of our agreement, for I align the stars and arrange them." You could barely keep your attention on her. All your memories with Mark were on display. It's like a floating picture book blooming with life.  

Your first kiss, the first time he said he loved you. It even showed 

His death 

"It is odd to offer this to you, Y/N. I'm hesitant to bestow such an ask. To change space and time for love is one thing, but I have never granted the wish to separate lovers, especially ones with crossed stars. I crafted the 2 of you in the stars for one another." She took the time to evaluate the situation presented to her. It was forever ago she last remembered being so puzzled at such a request. But it's not to say she didn't completely misunderstand. Thin streams of light laced her fingers and formed a small orb of light.

"This here is you. If I take you out of this world and place you in another, everyone will forget you, even Mark, when I restart your run. I can't promise you'll never meet again, but I assure you this moment never happened. Your family. His truly shocking development. Your love will never have happened. " The tears in your eyes were self-explanatory. You blamed yourself so heavily for what happened, and the full weight of your guilt was catching up to you. You lived your life with regrets. But you could live with the decision if this meant erasing everything you shared with him.

"I want to let you know I'm content with my request. Maybe Mark can find his path in the stars without me."

The nameless form looked at you sympathetically, creasing your face more tenderly than she had previously handled you, and kissed your temple. The kiss was cold, but the gesture was warm.

"May your journey through the stars be safe, Y/N L/N. God speed," and with that, you experience an excruciating pain so intense it leaves you speechless. She had pierced your heart with her spear like an arrow, and you fell to the floor, only this time you made no effort to heal yourself—your time with Mark is still hovering around you. The moment you fell in love was on clear display, and you meekly reached out, covered in salty tears and blood. You weren't sad that you were dying, all because you wish this had never happened. You were letting him go all over again. All the memories slowly faded, the darkness approached, and you embraced the end that approached because you'll be together at least. One final time, even if it was briefly in death. 

[7squidgy7]

29 and 45 meyowww

Narinder ask game

29. What exact rebellious act got him chained in the first place?

His siblings grew distant, they stopped inviting him to events, stopped accepting his invitations and they just grew apart, until one day Narinder stopped asking for their company. The bishops just saw it as him being shy and reclusive. When in reality, he thought they hated him, his mental health had really deteriorated.

He started to work on resurrection as a way to try regain favour with his sibling, thinking they hated him because he was death and to encourage growth in his cult, which was barely scrapping by.

After all Shamura always encouraged him to seek out knowledge. This was his chance to repay the world, to undo the grief his domain causes.

Once he was able to perform a resurrection, he quickly went to Shamura's unannounced to show the new ritual he made. Shamura seem distant and disinterested at first but when Narinder resurrected a body in front of them they immediately told him this was unnatural that he should not be doing this, that death cannot flow backwards.

There was a big fight, years of feeling ignored by Shamura, the isolation and feeling unlovable bubbled up, and Narinder cut himself off, declaring that he was going to make a new faith.

Not soon after Shamura had a vison of Narinder harming the bishops and began to plan to kill him, Narinder was speaking blasphomey and was threatening their doimains, people were flocking to his cult instead of theirs.

But once everyone was injured in the struggle and it was discovered Narinder couldn't die, he was chained to the afterlife in a state of half dead half alive. Stuck in the middle of a resurrection.

45. Is identity kept a secret from the cult? If so, do any of the followers recognize who he really is?

Narinder was never really shown in cult worship.

In the lands of the old faith gods are real, you can see and touch them, so worshipping someone who you can't see is a very weird concept and hard to sell to a newly forming cult. So to make the process easier for indoctrination the lamb is the focus of worship as the prophet of the god of death, not the god themself. Narinder will still gain devotion this way.

For some reason during the fight with Narinder all the followers cannot remember the exchange and wake up as usual except there's this strange delirious and violent cat on the indoctrination stone whos quickly whisked away by the lamb, after he injured someone.

No one knew what the god of death looked like so they just kept going as usual worshipping the god of death and his prophet unaware he's in their cult.

Seeing the way he acts around the lamb they're all convinced the two are recently divorced and that the lambs had a secret marriage this whole time.

The lamb remains the prophet of death to the cult despite being 1 half of that god now (by not killing Narinder they never finished their ascension and the two share the power of the crown)

[theshoesofatiredman]

People who have been indoctrinated into a tradition of bigotry are going to have a hard time changing. It is incredibly hard, on all levels, to undo the way you were conditioned to think. The religiously motivated bigot has many things working against the to change - their identity in their community, the faith crisis it could cause, the psychological impacts of the indoctrination, on top of the general human trait we all have where we don't like to admit we were wrong.

I know this, and yet, it's still incredibly hard not to take it personally that the Christians who claimed to love and value me didn't want to spend the time revisiting and questioning what they we're taught about gay people and gay love. Like realistically it's not about me but it still feel like, if they loved me more, they would change. I'm so tired of waiting for people to change so they can treat me properly.

[apolloendymion]

my beautiful sister and niece are trapped with our abusive parents until they can raise enough money to get out. it kills me to watch my sister try to juggle work, her own mental health, and childcare while meeting our parents' absurd expectations. please, anything you can donate will go a long way.

my sister's full gofundme text under the cut:

Hi everyone! I'm not entirely sure what to write, this was just recommended to me and I've never even considered starting a gofundme before. Money raised will go to moving costs and nothing else.

The situation is that I'm a single mother to a beautiful 6 year old (and my daughter's only parent, financially as well as in general), and we live with my parents. My parents are very conservative evangelicals who flood the home with fox News and conservative talk radio, as well as the barely disguised bigotry, racism, misogyny, and classism that comes with it. They are constantly trying to indoctrinate my child into their religious conservatism as well. There are big and small problems, but I'll start with the most important.

The big problems are the emotional and financial abuse. My stepdad doesn't speak to me unless he's angry, he's said awful things to me about being a terrible mother and a disappointment to the whole family, and done really horrible things like punched my dog in the face for barking outside. The most abusive thing though has got to be the multiple times he has tried to kick me out of the house on the spot, no notice, and the only reason my mom talked him out of it was because she realized that I would in fact not be leaving my daughter with them. They did this once to try to get me to go THAT DAY to inpatient psychiatric care for 2 months, which my psychiatrist said I did NOT need (they want everyone to be "fixed"and big emotions, good or bad, are entirely unwelcome). They are also trying to heavily indoctrinate my daughter into their religion; I have to have conversations with her constantly to try and undo what she's been taught.

If you care to know more about the smaller stuff, my parents have cameras EVERYWHERE including pointing into my bedroom from the backyard. My stepdad sits at work and monitors the cameras the entire time and they check every single notification from all 6-7 cameras, and they text me about every little thing they see. Despite the fact that I pay them rent, I have zero privacy or control over my space, they don't even knock and go through my stuff constantly. I also cannot have anyone over in my space after midnight (despite it being completely impossible for them to hear anyone from their completely opposite side of the house, and my work schedule ending quite late). But ultimately, these are the minor problems.

I'm really struggling emotionally right now. I'm on constant cptsd high alert in this house, everytime I hear the key in the door or the garage door open, my chest tightens up and my pulse increases. Everytime I get a text from my parents my heart drops. I never feel safe or relaxed here, ever. I'm always waiting for the silent treatment from my stepdad to erupt into months of him being silently angry, about the most innocuous things constantly, coming out at me because I asked him to let me handle disciplining my daughter or something. I had a rough childhood and then suffered more abuse as an adult, and while I've come a very long way from where I was 7 years ago, I have completely stalled out on my healing journey and can feel myself sliding backwards lately. My stress and anxiety levels are through the roof and I cannot relax.

I really struggle with asking for help, but I'm getting desperate. I'm unhappy, my dog is an anxious mess from my stepdad yelling at him all the time and their dog attacking him, and my daughter has to deal with a wound tight mother, and even though I try not to let it affect her, it does. Kids are much more emotionally intelligent than they are given credit for, and I don't want to be this way around my kid. I'm working all I can at 3 companies, but with the rise in prices here it will still be months before I can afford to get us a small place with a little backyard. I figure with first and last months rent, security deposit, pet deposit, and moving costs, I'll need at least $5000 to make this work. The sooner I get there, the sooner I can get out of this toxic mess.

I expect nothing to come of this, but man would I appreciate any help at all. I appreciate you just for taking the time to read this. ✌️ and ❤️

[stolenheartchronicles]

Draco Malfoy's character journey should resemble that of a cult member who escapes, because they have realised how hateful and nonsensical the cult's beliefs are. It is quite common for such people to become overcome with remorse and to harbour a steely determination to undo the wrongs they once did.

Those who leave such cults and are able to come out of their systematic indoctrination often become the biggest threat to the cult's survival.

Draco, as part of the Platinum Quartet along with Hermione, Harry and Ron, should be instrumental in bringing down Voldemort and the Death Eaters.

[littlemissmanga]

I just saw a take on Sunrise on the Reaping that basically boiled down to the OP being disappointed in the book's main message, that being propaganda.

Their take is that SotR boils it down to "propaganda is lies and that's bad" and the book fails to develop that depth. They then point to the careers as being "high school jocks" rather than nuanced characters as evidence.

I have a much different take. (Spoilers for SotR below)

We clearly see how the Careers absolutely drank the koolaid. They're not dumb high school jocks - they're the oppressed class with the most to lose AND a lifetime's worth of misinformation telling them they're better then the other districts, they're more Capitol.

They believe it because they have to. It's easy to accept, but also dangerous to reject. No one in their district works in the coal mines or fields under heavy peacekeeper watch. They have the veneer of stability, which means they are less likely to risk revolution. That leaves compliance as their only way to improve their station/lives.

In fact, we know this propaganda is so successful it's become a problem by the 50th games. After the interviews, Plutarch tells the D12 tributes that Capitol citizens are worried district people could get in, particularly those from 1 and 2, like Sejanus' family did.

If Capitol citizens are worried about being overrun by filthy immigrants looking for a better life, then you can bet the narrative in the Career districts is similar - win the hunger games or rise in prominence in your field, maybe marry a high ranking peacekeeper as an extra, and you could make it to the peak of privilege.

AND THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT. This opportunity is not available to ALL districts. It's not even really available to the Careers. It's a vague possibility as far fetched as most Americans becoming a billionaire is.

But the promise is enough to set Careers apart - both in their own mind and in the minds of the other districts.

Propaganda isn't just lies. It's how a government intentionally divides communities that have common interest. It's how it gives you the false hope of improvement while still keeping you on the set path.

Why do you think Silka SCREAMS "I will be the one to bring honor to the Capitol?" when she attacks Haymitch?

Not Panem, the country. But the Capitol, the elite in whose eyes she is desperate to prove herself.

Because she cannot conceive of a reality where that propaganda is fake, and she has been raised as a sacrifice or meal ticket by her community from day 1. That, though her odds were better than Lou Lou's, they were never in her favor. They were in the Capitol's favor.

That is an incredibly painful realization, and most people cannot come to that earth-shattering, identify-crushing, ethically repugnant realization on their own.

Certainly not by the time of the 50th Hunger Games. We see in the 10th that it's very Capitol vs District. But by 50, districts 1, 2 and 4 have very much bought into the propaganda of "we can survive if we play by these rules. After all we're not THOSE districts."

And you even see how NOT every Career buys into this. Mariette kills the gamemakers without hesitation. Silka's reaction reconfirms her indoctrination. She yells at her ally "They'll never let us win now."

SotR does show Careers as victims. Imperfect ones. Not fierce rebels, not doe-eyed innocent kids too young for this, but as the almost adults that they are, forced to either accept in the worst way how they've been lied to or to dive deeper into the depravity to uphold their fragile and unfair worldview.

Careers are the privileged minority, so close to success they can taste it but never touch it. And their acceptance of the propaganda, their support of fascism so long as they're not at the bottom, of not making their children aware of it (very starkly contrasting District 13) is their undoing.

[nathaniel-underwood-is-an-intj]

Looong rant about chapter 16 Ptolemy's Gate and how being passive can add to the cycle of ab*se.

oof so I just read when Nat goes to see Ms Lutyens and I can't help but be absolutely furious at her??

I know that's maybe a little bit unfair given she's frightened of him as a magician and is obviously angry when she finds out the department he's responsible for, but honestly it kinda brings up the problem with inadvertent bystanders to child ab*se in my mind.

And I'm definitely not blaming her solely for who Nat becomes but it makes me think of all those people in huge child ab*se cases who give interviews to press about all the things they noticed that were wrong but they just...never do anything?

She stood up for him against Lovelace, and when Nat thanked her- "I wanted to say that I know you were trying to save me, and-"

''Yes, and I'm sorry I didn't" Like girl be for real did you really think that alone would undo the years of indoctrination and abuse he's already suffered and prevent years worth of the same in the years to come? And she won't take responsibility - "My job is with children, not the adults they become" and again while it seems harsh to blame her for who Nat becomes, it's so much easier to pass the blame to people who are more directly responsible rather than acknowledging you also play a part.

I think it hurts so much more because it's her specifically- Nat goes to her in sheer desperation, it almost seems like a goodbye- he wants to thank her, tries to set her up in a job that will pay well and struggles to communicate he's trying to help. At this point he thinks Bartimaeus has been summoned by another magician and his birth name will be revealed. He's sure he's about to die and if not he'll be stood on trial and lose everything.

He goes to her because she represents the peaceful moments from his childhood when he got away from his master. He's scared and feeling lost and really it's call for help; but he doesn't ask for anything he just wants to make her feel proud of him- he's looking for that validation that he's been chasing since childhood.

And that shows he still does have that little bit of childhood innocence in him; he thinks she will be proud, thinks she'll see him as the same little boy in the garden gazing up at his teacher in adoration. He can't quite grasp why she's separated the man stood before her from that little boy. Because in that moment the child inside Nathaniel is seeking comfort AND THAT'S WHY it makes me so angry. She's completely given up on him when he's at his lowest ebb, because she doesn't want to be associated with the magician he's become. As if it isn't a massive step in the right direction that he saught her out in the first place- what other magican would bother? I wonder if that's why she reacted so strongly to seeing him again? Before that moment she could go about her life wondering if /pretending her attempt to protect him was enough, and now she realises it wasn't, of course it wasn't, and the image she had of Nathaniel's childhood innocence is completely ruined in her mind.

Or was her contempt for him even grater than Nat realised? She was naturally disgusted by the rhetoric he'd started to repeat from a young age, and gently tried to correct him although she was clearly angry- was she just resigned to the fact that there is little else she could do to change his future? I always thought- couldn't she have looked for him? The Underwood house fire was in the papers and they mentioned the apprentice was being searched for. Did she ever worry about him? Surely something must have been in the papers since- an announcement of new ministers, ANYTHING! Look at how much research Kitty did to find out about Bartimaeus and Ptolemy. I just don't think Rosanna Lutyens cared enough, realistically Nathaniel wasn't hard to find- but he was no longer her responsibility so she could turn a blind eye.

And sadly it's not just her- I know everyone loves Martha Underwood including Nat; but I think her submissiveness to her husband has a negative effect on Nathaniel as well. In AOS when Nat is locked in his room for ages after setting the mites loose, and is forbidden to have any contact with anyone and she won't talk with him. I know she's been told by Mr. Underwood she can't, but it still boils my blood. She's an adult and going along with ignoring Nathaniel because her husband told her to...I can't even begin to imagine the psychological damage that would do to a 10 year old child. (It could be argued she's frightened of the consequences if her husband finds out she's disobeyed him which is fair, he could always be watching through magic- but this is Arthur Underwood we're talking about. He's lazy, oblivious and weak I doubt he'd expend all that energy each day to check up on her.)

And It's even more painful that Nathaniel is often described as fiercely loyal to her and I think to Ms Lutyens as well- he doesn't expect to be treated well by Arthur Underwood but he loved Mrs Underwood and Ms Lutyens so much he started to view them through a rose-coloured lense. He never feels betrayed by either of them, even though they absolutely let him down, because the pedestal he's put them on is too high AND THAT ABSOLUTELY DESTROYS ME.

Would things with Nathaniel have been any different if Mrs Underwood hadn't died? I don't really think so. Do you think she'd see Nathaniel's temper at 14 years old and be reminded of Arthur Underwood? He was awful, absolutely awful to Nat and to her; but he was under so much stress in an underfunded departement, where pressure was being put on him by superiors to accomplish far more than they knew him to be capable of, and he took it out on the easiest target. Nathaniel ends up in exactly the same place and he starts to take it out on the only person around him- Bartimaeus. Would he snap at Mrs Underwood all the time if she were still there? Because he's learnt that behaviour from his father figure, and subconsciously learnt from his mother figure that she'll put up with it. He learnt from the woman he loved so deeply, that if you don't resist, people will walk all over you. So you have to maintain control even if it ends up hurting people you care about because no one will step in to stop the suffering no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want them too.

It's easy to blame Arthur Underwood and Simon Lovelace and the magicians that actively hurt Nathaniel but I just feel like it's a bit disingenuous not to acknowledge the role of those doing passive harm. It's really mean to say it but even Bartimaeus plays a role- he knows Nat is clinging on to him because he can't 'bring himself to break this last connection' (to his childhood) but instead of bringing it up properly he 'taunts' Nathaniel- a boy who has been taunted for his weakness by his master for years. And even in AOS when Nathaniel tells Bartimaeus he was beaten for the mites incident Bart just kinda shrugs it off. Like I get it, why should Bartimaeus do anything, he's suffered way worse due to the system so he doesn't owe Nat anything right? But from Nat's point of view this is the first and only time he's mentioned to anyone what has happened to him and nothing changes. It's like another lesson learnt: telling someone about it doesn't help. Another nail in the coffin.

And I like all these characters, I feel bad for them. They're all victims of the system, I think the chapter with Ms Lutyens is just the straw that broke the camel's back for me. All of those little opportunities that are insignificant to the narrative over all; the commoners have it worse, Nathaniel is in a privileged position in society, exerting control over others. He's very morally grey, crossing over into objectively bad person territory but I love him with my whole heart and all of those insignificant moments would have been massive to him whether he was conscious of it or not.

And it goes all the way back to the beginning with Nat's parents giving him up to the magicians at 5 years old. I can't get the image of that little boy sat crying all alone in the government building. And he's not going somewhere safer, or somewhere he'll be happier and more loved. Giving your child over to a total stranger, oh he'll be totally fine won't he? He'll grow up to be a magician and far richer than you'll ever be, he'll be happy and comfortable and be grateful he got to grow up in luxury. There's no way a stranger you've never met, who the majority of society is terrified of would ever hurt a vulnerable little kid right? And if they do? Well you aren't responsible anymore, how could you know? What could you possibly do against the magician taking care of him?

Every little thing is another grain of sand tipping the scale. Did anyone else have to analyse An Inspector Calls in school? It feels like that to me- those BIG moments and all the little moments in between that add onto the pile.

And it goes on to cause problems in wider society too- ab*se is so normalised to the magicians, they casually ask Underwood if he hits Nathaniel like it's nothing. Because to them it is nothing, they've all grown up in the same circumstances and are repeating what they've learnt as children. I can't help but feel a little sorry for them all, especially when they aren't looked at through the black and white lense of 'argh these people are the evil arseholes look at how they treat everyone around them, screw these guys.' When we see those little glimpses of humanity like Simon's anxiety with the amulet; looking to his master and father figure Schyler for reassurance, and what's sad is that Nat is "reminded...of his own master's cold impatience" It's clear Simon looks up to his master, wants to make him proud and loves him. But it seems like Schyler has just trained Simon up so he can get power through him later on. I love the little hints of similarities between Simon and Nathaniel; the anxious mannerisms like fiddling with his hair that Nathaniel starts to develop, the way their master's talk to them. Even though they're actively working against each other in AOS and Simon is placed firmly in the baddies category and Nat in the goodies category at this point in the series; these things always hinted to me they had similar childhoods, how was Simon treated? When he had the imp beat Nat into unconsciousness, was it because he'd had the same punishment used against him? Did he know the magicians in the room would do nothing to stop him because no one stopped it from happening to him? Did he ever have a teacher stand up for him only for it to change nothing in the end because all the negative influences were so much stronger? Is the reason he loves Schyler like a dad because he's almost developed Stockholm syndrome? It looks like love because he's never known anything else.

And Arthur Underwood- who doesn't think his upbringing, and being taken away from his family ever did him any harm- doesn't realise the harm done is that he doesn't even know another way of raising Nathaniel, because he was never shown another way. His childhood may also have been filled with people who hurt him and the people that didn't do enough to intervene.

There are so many psychology studies that show children copy everything they see the adults in their life doing. Nathaniel copies the magicians behaviour towards spirits and on a subconscious level I think he copies all the submissive people in his life. How many times does he end up upset and frustrated with the fact he seems to be going nowhere and how many times does he just hope things will be different rather than taking postive action.

I dislike the actions the magicians end up taking but I also find them fascinating to analyse. I tend to prefer villains in media because they're usually slightly more complex individuals and I love to think about how they ended up that way. They can all be seen as victims of their circumstances in a way, despite all the power and privilege they have had terrible and traumatic childhoods, and if the commoners had no valuable worldy possessions at least they had a sense of togetherness; of love and understanding and selflessness. I wonder if the magicians hated them at least partly because of that. Because out in the sea of faces of the commoners talking about nothing important, doing nothing great and noble- could be the parents that abandoned them. And when your life is on the line daily because of working with spirits, and your colleagues want to stab you in the back, sometimes not being responsible for anything important looks good. But you can't leave your life as a magician, it would be too difficult; you have nowhere to go, no real friends, no one who really loves you. So it's better to stay and be a submissive bystander in your own life because it's so much easier.

Doing nothing is doing something- being passive can be just as harmful.

[lonestardust]

Do you see racist things? If you ever feel like speaking out I would love a chance to make sure I'm not accidentally doing or agreeing with anything harmful.

i really appreciate your kindness anon and i know your intentions are good but if you want, bear with me this long answer because this is exactly my issue; people not realizing there is a wrong foundation dominating these kinds of online spaces we're on. people falling for anything as long as it has a nice sounding veneer that softens the fallacy of it. and this is not (just) about fandom. people need to start treating political education and being principled as a fundamental duty we're fully accountable for and not just something we just want to make sure we're not getting wrong.

it's a labour that requires sacrifice of time and effort on daily basis. it's our responsibility to study, to understand the structures of oppression, to be able to point out all the contradictory positions people take and especially from lazy audience who just endorse anything by clicking a 'share' button.

Don't wait for someone to speak out or wait until someone tells you what has been harming them for too long. Acts that perpetuate oppression don't happen inside our bodies and it's only me who can tell that my stomach is hurting, the symptoms and patterns of harmful positions and acts are out there all the time they just fly under the radar for those who don't do the work to see them as a systematic behaviour, in the wider scope, that's how the privileged, the protected and the politically illiterate/indoctrinated maintain the status quo; by leaving everything on the back of the struggling people to fix, without reaching the stage of maturity of being finally capable of understanding and combating those tools of imperialism on their own (choice of words, language, ideologies, actions, online behaviour etc), people are just too lazy to lead with correct principles that's my issue. liberalism just never graduates from that school, it retreats back to individualism right after telling you its willing to care about the collective in an actual effective way. and during that period it just keeps on inflicting piles of harm for us, the principled, to undo and label as ideological hazard.

I'm just so tired.. I've seen so much betrayal and sustained so many moral injuries from so called communities on here (lgbt circles, fandoms, people with their nice sounding liberal zionist shit and harmful normalization positions on the Palestinian struggle and the current ongoing Genocide etc etc) that pinpointing individual incidents feels in vain.

the term 'community' has been reduced to some depoliticised liberal abstraction where individuals conflate indulging in sexual consumerism and fun activities with collective work. and it points to a larger contradiction where selfish pursuits are masked as liberating and empowering (people who say shit like joy is resistance from the comfort of their couch. i see you), at the expense of emergency mobilisation, investing labour in political education and cultivating real connections based off shared values and struggles. especially now... just the levels of self gratification on here.. the people who treat politics/people's lives as an secondary backdrop to their blogs to show off moral integrity between their usual content. the romanticising of colonial violence or the total negligence of it, the reduction of the global south struggles to english ready made appealing content. all the selective celebrity culture garbage, etc.

I don't speak out here because for most people, politics is about appearing radical online from time to time and not about being able to defend a position with conviction and sacrifice a lot for it.

and because academics, western degree holders, big blogs (often run by a white person), the english-speaking diaspora voices, are more preferred, promoted and listened to

because articulation in english, layered with academic jargon, is constantly mistaken for sound politics.

I don't speak here because myopic victim narratives are centered over structural critique.

because identity wins over principled politics - every single time.

and I'm not interesting in pandering in front of a people here who selfishly give all their time to hobbies and self indulgence and cause harm by endorsing and agreeing on things they think they comprehend from the moral perspective. they don't listen let alone put labour into being responsible individuals. idk that's why i said before i feel like a hypocrite for being here in the first place. I have my other online circles where i find the sound political ground i seek so here I just try to stick to fandom content and nothing more, i just can't help sometimes the way i get angry at the things i see, but again, that's on me for choosing a space where performativity dominates, I'm responsible for that I'm very aware.

Apologies for the long reply Xx

[fulcrum-021]

Angst idea: Kallus getting a head injury that causes him to lose a significant chunk of his memory, setting him back years... Everyone in the rebellion is grieving the loss of their friend, but also grieving for him. He worked so hard to undo years of the Empire's indoctrination and manipulation... Only for all of it to be taken away just like that