#undoing indoctrination

[larissel]

people who hate on lae'zel are weak and won't survive the coming winter.

[ramblings-of-lola]

If Matthias had lived, how often would thoughts surrounding the world-view of the Druskelle appear in his mind?

When he sees Jesper or Nina or another Grisha use their powers, would he tense and think "unholy"?

Would he see a kefta and incisively reach for a weapon that wasn't there anymore?

When he heard the howl of wolves, would his head snap up as he looked for his former Druskelle brothers?

When he sees Inej praying to the Saints, would he narrow his eyes and think "blasphemy"?

When he sees Kaz do a sleight of hand trick or something cruel, does he still think "demjin"?

[feeshies]

oh no i'm starting to think livius and sunny would be cute together

[the-winds-indecision]

yesterday was pretty busy and I was scatterbrained, and i just realised something - i accidentally fasted like i used to for lent. no meat, no treats, eating a little less than what i normally would

it was all coincidental, but i feel gross about it anyway. today, i'm listening to my ex-religious playlist on repeat and i made my favourite tea with extra milk and sugar

[stellenel-cielo]

Have you considered that its because of misogyny anyway? Most shit female characters are written by misogynists who just don’t know how to write women lol

Frankly, imho, theres no reason to dislike any female character, just like theres no reason to dislike any characters. There is always something to like about any character, whether its the tragic backstory, character arc, etc. Female characters just happen to get shafted by audiences cause of misogyny and nothing more.

A female character being widely hated is a huge green flag.If my experiences with fandoms and critics have taught me anything,it's that if that's how they react to her,that i'm about to meet the most based fictional girl to ever exist

[pirateshelly]

One thing that really fascinates me about interview with the vampire (the show) is this sort of tension between power and powerlessness in all of the characters. Because it doesn't present becoming a vampire as something that just gives you power and magically makes you completely detached from all human concerns and struggles.

And that seems to be something Lestat does very much want to believe, and he's in enough of a position of privilege that he's able to convince himself it's true, and it's a fundamental area where he just cannot understand Louis because Louis CAN'T pretend even if he wants to. (And of course Lestat cannot ACTUALLY separate himself from "human troubles" the way he likes to think he can, he just has an easier time pretending than most). Because as much as becoming a vampire grants these characters supernatural power it doesn't just magically take away the very tangible human ways that they were previously vulnerable or powerless.

Becoming a vampire doesn't negate Louis' struggles with racism; in some ways it amplifies them with how he is alienated from his own family and community; his closest connection becomes Lestat. He loses his economic independence and becomes socially dependent on Lestat in a way he wasn't to anyone as a human because in some ways becoming a vampire made him MORE vulnerable, despite granting him physical strength/speed/etc. The promise of freedom in vampirism Lestat presents to Louis (that I do think he does genuinely mean, but "freedom" means very different things to Louis than it does to Lestat) is never fulfilled.

Likewise Claudia learns the hard way with Bruce and later with the coven that she may be a vampire but the world still looks at her and sees a vulnerable young black girl and that will always put her in danger.

Claudia rescues Madeleine then turns her into a vampire, but rather than protect her from future harm the "crime" of turning her becomes the very thing that gets her killed by yet another angry mob.

And 514 years as a vampire will never be enough for Armand to truly trust or believe in his own power. Because the first 200 or so years of his life he was literally never once allowed any agency at all over his own identity or his own body (child slave sold to a brothel, sold to an abusive master, captured and violently indoctrinated into a vampire cult for centuries). No amount of material strength and power is going to undo the psychological effects of that. (And I know some people like to read his frequently passive demeanor as simply manipulation and a way of catching people off guard (because how could someone so old and powerful possibly feel a genuine sense of fear/vulnerability/etc 🙄) but to me that's an incredibly disingenuous reading of him. But that's a different rant for another time!). Being a vampire does not save him from being horrifically abused, nor does it save him from the lasting emotional effects of that abuse.

And I think there's something interesting to be said about the way that, in order to survive safely, they have to feed on the most vulnerable members of society (people undesirable and therefore least likely to arouse suspicion) in order to go unnoticed. If they want to live they have to prey on those vulnerable in possibly the same ways they themselves once were (and in many ways still are).

There's a frequent argument I dislike that we shouldn't be viewing any of these characters through too human of a lense because they're literal monsters (to be honest it's an argument I see most often made when people simply don't want to talk about the show's complex depiction of racism/misogyny/abuse/etc and used to dismiss those as issues "too human" to be relevant to a story about a bunch of monsters with a supposedly alien sense of morality), but I think the show itself makes a huge argument that for these characters there is no escaping or separating themselves from the very human struggles and vulnerabilities that marked them before they ever became vampires. It's like a sort deconstructed power fantasy.

[sequesteredbhaalspawn]

Thinking about how Gortash was a "corrupting" influence in The Dark Urge's life. About how he distracted them from their duties, who they are suppose to be, what they're suppose to do. About how Gortash was, rather it be intentionally or unintentionally, undoing their indoctrination in Bhaal's church.

Bhaal's Church tells them they're a monster, no one will love them, they are a danger to all. Everyone is better off dead if they are alive. Durge didn't teach themself all of those self deprecating point-and-click dialogs.

Gortash tells them are not a monster, that their brilliant, that he likes them, their not a danger to him- everyone would better off if Durge (and himself) ruling them.

Like Gortash never actually just straight up tells Durge that being Bhaalists is bad (in fact I don't think he thinks that even, he doesn't care if they're a Bhaalists or not, if anything he would simply not like the extent Bhaal's influence over them), or ever tells them they should leave Bhaal's Church, but he does tell them they're the opposite of everything Bhaal's Church says they are, and we know that clearly has influenced Durge in someway (to the point of writing the prayer of forgiveness).

It's just neat.

[why-are-you-still-awake]

Naruto boys w/ a partner w/ family issues

A/n: i am back from the dead, I wrote this in light of somethings that have been happening recently. I hope this is okay, it’s rushed :/

Characters: Sasuke, Naruto, Gaara

Warning/content: mentions of toxic families, emotional abuse, past parental neglect. Did I miss anything?

Sasuke Uchiha

❀ Sasuke knew that you didn’t have the best family, he didn’t enjoy the off-handed comments they’d make about you, be it something about your appearance or job he just didn’t like how they often ridiculed everything about you. ❀

❀ He saw how their unappreciated comments made an impact in your daily life no matter how hard you tried to deny it. He was never good with feelings and words but he wanted to make sure you felt loved in light of everything.

❀ He would always try to help undo the mental indoctrination that was forced on you. He is the embodiment of actions speak louder than words and will always show how much he cares about you, giving you a safe and stable place to turn to. Oh and don’t be afraid, he refuses to let your family treat you badly in his presence. ❀

Naruto Uzumaki

❀ Naruto never enjoyed how your family treated you, even when he was around, they’d verbally berate you for things that weren’t your fault, make backhanded comments about your appearance. Even at your insistence that everything was fine, he always got visibly bothered whenever that’d say things to you. ❀

❀ He tried to get you out of your house as much as possible, even if it meant insisting you stay the night at his place. He felt you were much safer with him, he didn’t deny his protective nature when questioned about his persistence by you. He experienced the same emotional abuse growing up from villagers that you’re receiving from your family. ❀

❀ It got to the point when Naruto couldn’t help himself anymore and made a offhand comment after your parents insulted you about something and that got you kicked out because their fragile egos couldn’t take when they were wrong. Naruto felt bad about what happened but was happy you were at least kinda out of that situation.❀

Gaara

❀ Gaara was well aware of your past and how your parents treated you, he sympathized with you and understood how you felt. He never wanted you to feel unsafe with him. He wanted to be your safe space just like how you were his. It took awhile to open up to him about the neglect you faced growing up but it got easier over time. ❀

❀ Your safety and wellbeing is the utmost importance to him, he’d never do anything to sacrifice it. Your parents have definitely tried to reach out despite your insistence to leave you alone. They have narcissistic tendencies and now want to come back into your life and play victim now that you’re with the Kazekage but Gaara won’t allow it. ❀

❀ He makes sure you’re comfortable at all times and has zero tolerance for anyone making you uncomfortable. He tries to take preventive measures to ensure that you’re always at ease but if something were to happen to possibly trigger past trauma, he’d always be there to make sure you’re okay and help you calm down. ❀

A/n: my sincerest apologies again for not posting an actual post in 2 weeks, I’ve been very unmotivated and overall not feeling my greatest but I am back from the dead and you’re to expect some consistent posting for the next week or two, thank you for your patience. Love u <333

@ssailormoonn

[apocalypse-shuffle]

RED HOOD | BATFAMILY (assorted canon)

—

“Long Overdue” (Jason Todd & Batmom!Reader) and (background Bruce Wayne x Batmom!Reader)

| Reader was with Bruce in the past but grew distant after Jason’s death. No one tells her when he comes back from the dead until Bruce is forced to bring her in on a raid when they’re overwhelmed. -Jason and Batmom!Reader reunion.

| SFW, canon typical action/violence, cursing?, crying?

| This is like half fanon half UTRH/Batman:Hush. I’m really just fucking around with canon rn. Also the pictures used are just for aesthetics and have no contextual meaning to the story. (pic source - Batman: Three Jokers comic)

| 2k+ words

| parts: one, spurt, two, three, four, five, six/six point five, seven.

Ma. God, no one called you that anymore. The way your eyes begin to prickle is a clear indication.

With you Dick wasn’t the type. Once he’d worked himself up to it he’d called you mom; slightly different from the few ways he referred to his bio mother, but something shared between the two of you all the same.

And Tim? Well he wasn’t your child plain and simple. Tim still had his parents for one, and for two he was intrinsically Bruce’s. By the time he’d figured his way into the Batcave you’d been gone, most of your shit moved out of the manor, and desperately waving divorce papers Bruce refused to acknowledge in the air. You didn’t have anything to do with his indoctrination outside of exactly one instance of him finding you to ask if you’d reconsider the separation. Some Batman needed a Robin and Bruce Wayne needed his wife type shit.

Either way Tim didn’t call you any rendition of mom because you weren’t his. The most you got was him addressing you by your maiden name and then eventually your first and you were content with that.

Then if he didn’t call you mom, the girls sure as hell didn’t either. Outside of Barbara the others never even became regular conversation partners. Cass was a rare sighting in your life and Stephanie and you’s relationship would never progress past the casual advocacy you tried giving her because she was another dead Robin to add to what’s now technically a list.

At the end of the day, out of all the people who considered you a mother, only Jason added that ‘a’ and you wanted to grip that name tight and hold it to you. Break your ribs open and force it into your chest cavity. The need to fulfill that ache cuts deep and you take a step forward.

Jason startles though, undoing all his own forward progress, and you falter. That’s right. Jason didn’t like for people to touch him. Definitely didn’t like hugs either. Not surprise ones at least. Before his death you’d gotten close enough he didn’t mind when you swooped in, but now?

“Can I-? Can I hug you?” You press trembling lips together for another horrible swallow. “Please…?”

Jason jerks, two hastily aborted movements at once, before his obstructed voice meets your ears.

“Fine.”

You practically fall on him before pulling him into you. Unfortunately he’s just as stiff as his voice and you have to take a second to figure out how to slot against him.

Jason fits in your arms differently than he used to - broader and taller by a mile - but after a few beats he relaxes into them just the same. The subtle addition of weight makes a sob bubble up your throat.

You rap your knuckles on the side of the helmet.

“Take this shit off.”

He hesitates and a sharp pang manages to worm its way into the already shitty cocktail of emotions you’re feeling. It hits your spine like lightning, forces you up and has you an arms length away in half an inhale.

Maybe before now you’d been going through too much all at once for the trepidation to hit, but it was hitting now. You’d never seen Hood without- well without the Hood. Only Jumbie raised from the dead the way Jason did, and while you’d take your son anyway you could get him you wouldn’t accept some Thing parading around in his skin.

Reading your burst of movement for what it is, Jason backtracks, rising arms dropping to his sides. “Maybe I shouldn’t…”

“Jason Peter-” you inhale deeply, catching yourself, and hold a hand up to stop him. You both ignore the obvious way it trembles. “-only… if…if you want to. I’m not trying to force anything.”

He’s slow to nod, weight shifting from his left to his right leg and back again before he says something too low for you to hear. You’re about to ask him to repeat when he speaks up, this time aiming his voice somewhere around your shoulder while bowing his head.

“No, I- Alright. Just hold on.”

Haunches suitably raised and heart in your throat you pay close attention as the helmet comes up, Jason having released some catch in the back.

It goes over, the helmet clatters to the ground, and the man who stares back at you is…hard to place.

The low fluorescent lighting of the narrow room combined with the concrete walls casts soft enough shadows over his face that while his features are warped they’re not discernible. Which means you can’t completely rule out the uncanniness wafting off of him as just your brain (along with your entire perception of the universe) splinting in half.

It makes your face heat up. He looks familiar, but you can’t say you wouldn’t have passed him straight if you’d seen him on the street. He’s too big for one, even for how you’d all imagined he’d look grown up, standing more than a foot taller than the last day you saw him. Taller than malnourishment would’ve ever let him be.

The sob you let out makes you both flinch.

One hand snaps to your mouth, the other waving him off.

“I’m sorry I- I don’t-. This is just-”

Even with the way he’s leaning away from you he shakes his head. “I get it, it's fine.”

His voice is faint, cut up and hoarse like he hasn’t used it in a while, and it’s the prettiest thing you’ve heard in ages.

“Oh,” you laugh. The wet kind that makes your throat sticky. You can only stare at him, blurry form and all, words lost to you.

Eventually, after watching your fervent effort to wipe away tears that are in no way inclined to give you a break, arms crossed Jason takes a half step forward with a shrug.

“We can…try again?”

The next little laugh you let out you practically choke on but you nod all the same.

When Jason’s the first to move your heart starts speeding away like an overexcited middle school drumline. You roll with it though, pressing the heels of your palms into your eyes so they’re dry enough for you to actually see him clearly for a few seconds.

When he’s directly in front of you your hands come up slowly, giving him plenty of opportunity to move away. Or maybe to vanish.

When he does neither, only giving you a guarded look, you allow yourself to touch.

Problem is, the domino mask he’s wearing very quickly gets in your way and on your nerves when you move to frame his face. Quickly feels like if it’s not gone, if you can’t see his eyes, you’ll throw up.

To stop yourself from taking the risk and ripping it off you have to take a deep breath. Have to force down the thick build up of saliva gathering in your mouth so it pushes back the bile climbing up your throat.

“I’d like to see my son, Jason. All of you.”

To emphasize your point you tap the tip of your nail against the mask. There’s no intention on your part to cross his boundary but Jason’s hands snap up to hold onto your wrists all the same.

You look into the white lenses of his domino, fingers buzzing along the corner of the mask closest to them. His mouth twists into a frown.

“Please?”

You beg with the same ferocity a grieving mother once used when begging for her child back.

“You’re asking for a lot.”

He lets go and he takes a couple steps back and you don’t cry.

No, instead you swing your hands behind you. Clasping them together in a poor attempt to stop the buzzing sensation that travels from the tips of your fingers to take over your entire hand.

“Mmm,” you incline your head. “Well. I did help a boy get over first date jitters with a made up song once. Let that same boy talk me through an entire dissertations’ worth of his analysis of Their Eyes Were Watching God - as choppy as it was - because TWMS wouldn’t allow him to present it in class. Let him skip going to that same school and cry to me for hours after the death of Gloria Stanson. Remember a knife hidden in the corner on the highest shelf in his closet, and I remember not revealing any of that when I gave his eulogy because he once asked me to keep the important things between the two of us. So you don’t have to show me, but I think I make a pretty good qualifier when it comes to keeping this safe.”

You point straight to where his heart is tucked safely behind layers of gray armor before shrugging.

From the way his brows furrow over the domino you know he’s at least thinking about it so you step away to pick up your disregarded mask and stuff it in your waistband.

One blink. Six.

“You remember Rena?”

In front of him again, you rock back on your heels. “Mhm. And the ‘how to tie a tie’ lessons me and Bruce walked you through even though you didn’t wear a suit to that date. Remember that too.”

Jason’s smile is crooked on his face but it’s nonetheless present as he makes a noise of agreement.

“I’d just wanted to spend time with you two, I was never planning on wearing a suit to go to the skating rink.”

“We figured.”

You’re rolling onto the balls of your feet when that small smile drops and he shakes his head.

“I’m not that same boy anymore.”

You take in the way he could raise his hand and so easily touch the ceiling without having to jump. You clear the phlegm from your throat.

“I can tell.”

Jason grunts and makes a general gesture indicating something somewhere behind you.

“And I got no interest in trying to live up to whatever fucked up embalment Bruce’s got going on with my burnt suit in that case.”

That suit. Bruce’s memorial. His warning. Your breath hitches as you think of the smell of crisped blood and methanol. If Jason didn’t want to talk about it you sure as shit weren’t going to.

“I will one hundred percent take that into account.” You keep it simple, rocking on your heels again. He wasn’t asking for anything unreasonable so there wasn’t really any debate to be had. “You wanna be treated as you are? I can do that.”

Moments pass once you’ve said your peace where Jason does nothing but stare at you. The only indication he’s at all alive being his shoulders still moving - and you are watching. Eyeing that tell tale up and down like your own life will end at its falter. The pattern is slow enough to come off as pacivity but the time between each rise and fall is too measured to be uncontrolled. Exactly three point eleven seconds one way and three point eleven seconds the other. Every time.

Then he sighs, curses, and the little veil of dissolvent for the adhesive that adheres the mask to his face is in his hand. A different vial and color than when he was Robin; you don’t know why you thought it’d be the same. Or why it makes your heart clench that it’s not.

Between one thrum of the fluorescent lights and the next Jason is peeling away the domino, and you would be lying if you claimed to know where it disappeared to after that. Too caught up on what he’d been hiding to track it.

Blue. Nothing more and nothing less. Just blessedly familiar, vibrant blue. Not the dull gray they’d become by the time you were given the chance to put a gruesome sight of a child six feet under.

The “Oh wow,” tumbles from you without permission and then there’s zero hope for the waterworks you’d been holding back. The levee fails and you’re bawling before you know it. Barely holding back snot and who knows what else since you already feel like screaming.

At that point there’s no carefully thought out sentence for you to spew, no more hesitancy, no more measured breathing, and linear thought. Just the crushing need to have him close to you again.

You’re rushing forward before you know.

Wrapping your arms around Jason the next go around is both the best and the worst thing. You accommodate his new size faster, already writing over the ways he used to fit against you with the ways he does so now, but he’s still so stiff and he’s not reciprocating the hug either.

Maybe you should let go. You crossed the boundary too fast. Were too reckless. You literally have training on this and now you’re crowding him.

Okay, you’re pulling away. It’s a herculean effort but you’re forcing your arms from around his middle. You’ve got to, you don’t want to scare him off. Not when you just got him back.

There’s a soft “Not yet,” mumbled into your shoulder and then arms finally come around yours and you don’t hesitate to snap your own back into place.

He’s hugging you back.

You cry a little harder and bring one of your arms up to drape across his shoulders, pulling him closer. When you start rocking and Jason copies your momentum you press a kiss onto his temple.

“Hi,” you stutter out. Another sob. “Hi baby.”

Since he’s finally letting his arms wrap around you you don’t hesitate to run dark fingers through the truly unruly mass of black curls on his head. His hairs’ damp - most likely from sweat - but cool. Probably being tempered by the cold air blowing into the room.

It’s when you press a kiss to his forehead that you feel something else wet and your breath stutters.

“It’s okay. I got you, everything’s okay,” you whisper.

“God Ma-” his voice cracks and then you can hear the sobs he’s trying to muffle into your suit. “No it’s not.”

“I know,” you sob. “I’m sorry- so so fucking sorry.”

You sniffle and pull away to see him better. Jason’s face is flushed, his eyes wet, and cheeks streaked with tears shed. You hold your hands up to frame his face for a second time and run your thumbs through the tear tracks. His chest heaves as his body tries to regulate his breathing.

Jason clears his throat, gaze boring into yours. “Hi,” he says.

You smile, finally beginning to map out his face. First you move to frame his cheeks, too feel the warmth in them. To see if they still feel familiar. They don’t; you force yourself to accept that fact without letting it show in your expression, letting out a measured exhale before continuing. You find his jaw is more defined now too, cheeks devoid of the baby fat of five years prior.

From then on brushing your thumbs along his brows, over the bridge of his nose, traveling over his ears and skirting around his hairline - it all fills your mind with incoherent cheers.

Your thumbs hover over Jason’s eyes and you hum when he closes them for you.

The skin underneath your shaved off pads is soft. The thin layer of protection allows you to feel how his eyeballs shift, to see the way his veins show stark under light skin, to clock the life thrumming through him.

It makes your heart feel so goddamn light. You can’t stop smiling at the sight of him. Eyes still wet but clear.

“I feel like such a horrible mother,” you hiccup, hands slide down so you can once again cup his face. “I barely recognize you.”

Jason’s breathing shakes nearly in tandem with yours and his eyes squeeze tighter shut, head turning away.

“Don’t.” He takes a second to look up. Look right through you. Lashes wet and glassy eyes open, voice grating over his next words. “Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame any of you for that, but especially not you.”

What you want to do is argue. You should’ve never let him put on that suit in the first place, one fucked up son should’ve been the end of it. You should’ve dropped the case you were working the second you’d heard he’d run away and you should’ve found him. Instead you keep your thoughts personal, pinning them to your brain as if it’s a cushion so that you’ll never forget, and pull your son closer. An action which he allows, resting his head on your shoulder.

“I’m glad you’re back,” you whisper into his hair. The way he instantly shakes his head makes the cool strands tickle your jawline.

“You can’t mean that.”

“If I didn’t mean it I wouldn’t have said it, Jay.”

Jason tenses before responding, words spewing without warning.

“Yeah except I’ve killed people, and I don’t regret it, and Bruce hates that - and you probably do too - but his way isn’t good enough. The people in this city deserve better so I’m doing what’s necessary-”

And that has you bristling. He must notice too because he stops short and edges away, face steeping. Caught somewhere between wanting to leave and wanting to fully kick start an argument.

…TBC

NOTES: Hope you enjoyed! I had to split this bitch in two cause it was 5,000+ words and I’m not in the business of under-indulging myself.

Listen, I’ve looked into it. Every mother/mother figure Jason’s ever had he’s referred to as “Mom”, but me personally, I didn’t grow up addressing my own mother that way so I wanted to play around with “Ma” (differentiate a little). What's funny though, is that I’ve read Dick referring to his mother as both “Ma” and “Mom” so that’s fun.

• TWMS = Thomas Wayne Middle School

btw: if you’d like to leave a comment I’d very much appreciate it. this is a sideblog tho so I won’t respond.

Tagged: @aarinisreading, @niphredil-14, @mxtokko, @calsjack, @brunnetteiwik

[nathaniel-underwood-is-an-intj]

Looong rant about chapter 16 Ptolemy's Gate and how being passive can add to the cycle of ab*se.

oof so I just read when Nat goes to see Ms Lutyens and I can't help but be absolutely furious at her??

I know that's maybe a little bit unfair given she's frightened of him as a magician and is obviously angry when she finds out the department he's responsible for, but honestly it kinda brings up the problem with inadvertent bystanders to child ab*se in my mind.

And I'm definitely not blaming her solely for who Nat becomes but it makes me think of all those people in huge child ab*se cases who give interviews to press about all the things they noticed that were wrong but they just...never do anything?

She stood up for him against Lovelace, and when Nat thanked her- "I wanted to say that I know you were trying to save me, and-"

''Yes, and I'm sorry I didn't" Like girl be for real did you really think that alone would undo the years of indoctrination and abuse he's already suffered and prevent years worth of the same in the years to come? And she won't take responsibility - "My job is with children, not the adults they become" and again while it seems harsh to blame her for who Nat becomes, it's so much easier to pass the blame to people who are more directly responsible rather than acknowledging you also play a part.

I think it hurts so much more because it's her specifically- Nat goes to her in sheer desperation, it almost seems like a goodbye- he wants to thank her, tries to set her up in a job that will pay well and struggles to communicate he's trying to help. At this point he thinks Bartimaeus has been summoned by another magician and his birth name will be revealed. He's sure he's about to die and if not he'll be stood on trial and lose everything.

He goes to her because she represents the peaceful moments from his childhood when he got away from his master. He's scared and feeling lost and really it's call for help; but he doesn't ask for anything he just wants to make her feel proud of him- he's looking for that validation that he's been chasing since childhood.

And that shows he still does have that little bit of childhood innocence in him; he thinks she will be proud, thinks she'll see him as the same little boy in the garden gazing up at his teacher in adoration. He can't quite grasp why she's separated the man stood before her from that little boy. Because in that moment the child inside Nathaniel is seeking comfort AND THAT'S WHY it makes me so angry. She's completely given up on him when he's at his lowest ebb, because she doesn't want to be associated with the magician he's become. As if it isn't a massive step in the right direction that he saught her out in the first place- what other magican would bother? I wonder if that's why she reacted so strongly to seeing him again? Before that moment she could go about her life wondering if /pretending her attempt to protect him was enough, and now she realises it wasn't, of course it wasn't, and the image she had of Nathaniel's childhood innocence is completely ruined in her mind.

Or was her contempt for him even grater than Nat realised? She was naturally disgusted by the rhetoric he'd started to repeat from a young age, and gently tried to correct him although she was clearly angry- was she just resigned to the fact that there is little else she could do to change his future? I always thought- couldn't she have looked for him? The Underwood house fire was in the papers and they mentioned the apprentice was being searched for. Did she ever worry about him? Surely something must have been in the papers since- an announcement of new ministers, ANYTHING! Look at how much research Kitty did to find out about Bartimaeus and Ptolemy. I just don't think Rosanna Lutyens cared enough, realistically Nathaniel wasn't hard to find- but he was no longer her responsibility so she could turn a blind eye.

And sadly it's not just her- I know everyone loves Martha Underwood including Nat; but I think her submissiveness to her husband has a negative effect on Nathaniel as well. In AOS when Nat is locked in his room for ages after setting the mites loose, and is forbidden to have any contact with anyone and she won't talk with him. I know she's been told by Mr. Underwood she can't, but it still boils my blood. She's an adult and going along with ignoring Nathaniel because her husband told her to...I can't even begin to imagine the psychological damage that would do to a 10 year old child. (It could be argued she's frightened of the consequences if her husband finds out she's disobeyed him which is fair, he could always be watching through magic- but this is Arthur Underwood we're talking about. He's lazy, oblivious and weak I doubt he'd expend all that energy each day to check up on her.)

And It's even more painful that Nathaniel is often described as fiercely loyal to her and I think to Ms Lutyens as well- he doesn't expect to be treated well by Arthur Underwood but he loved Mrs Underwood and Ms Lutyens so much he started to view them through a rose-coloured lense. He never feels betrayed by either of them, even though they absolutely let him down, because the pedestal he's put them on is too high AND THAT ABSOLUTELY DESTROYS ME.

Would things with Nathaniel have been any different if Mrs Underwood hadn't died? I don't really think so. Do you think she'd see Nathaniel's temper at 14 years old and be reminded of Arthur Underwood? He was awful, absolutely awful to Nat and to her; but he was under so much stress in an underfunded departement, where pressure was being put on him by superiors to accomplish far more than they knew him to be capable of, and he took it out on the easiest target. Nathaniel ends up in exactly the same place and he starts to take it out on the only person around him- Bartimaeus. Would he snap at Mrs Underwood all the time if she were still there? Because he's learnt that behaviour from his father figure, and subconsciously learnt from his mother figure that she'll put up with it. He learnt from the woman he loved so deeply, that if you don't resist, people will walk all over you. So you have to maintain control even if it ends up hurting people you care about because no one will step in to stop the suffering no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want them too.

It's easy to blame Arthur Underwood and Simon Lovelace and the magicians that actively hurt Nathaniel but I just feel like it's a bit disingenuous not to acknowledge the role of those doing passive harm. It's really mean to say it but even Bartimaeus plays a role- he knows Nat is clinging on to him because he can't 'bring himself to break this last connection' (to his childhood) but instead of bringing it up properly he 'taunts' Nathaniel- a boy who has been taunted for his weakness by his master for years. And even in AOS when Nathaniel tells Bartimaeus he was beaten for the mites incident Bart just kinda shrugs it off. Like I get it, why should Bartimaeus do anything, he's suffered way worse due to the system so he doesn't owe Nat anything right? But from Nat's point of view this is the first and only time he's mentioned to anyone what has happened to him and nothing changes. It's like another lesson learnt: telling someone about it doesn't help. Another nail in the coffin.

And I like all these characters, I feel bad for them. They're all victims of the system, I think the chapter with Ms Lutyens is just the straw that broke the camel's back for me. All of those little opportunities that are insignificant to the narrative over all; the commoners have it worse, Nathaniel is in a privileged position in society, exerting control over others. He's very morally grey, crossing over into objectively bad person territory but I love him with my whole heart and all of those insignificant moments would have been massive to him whether he was conscious of it or not.

And it goes all the way back to the beginning with Nat's parents giving him up to the magicians at 5 years old. I can't get the image of that little boy sat crying all alone in the government building. And he's not going somewhere safer, or somewhere he'll be happier and more loved. Giving your child over to a total stranger, oh he'll be totally fine won't he? He'll grow up to be a magician and far richer than you'll ever be, he'll be happy and comfortable and be grateful he got to grow up in luxury. There's no way a stranger you've never met, who the majority of society is terrified of would ever hurt a vulnerable little kid right? And if they do? Well you aren't responsible anymore, how could you know? What could you possibly do against the magician taking care of him?

Every little thing is another grain of sand tipping the scale. Did anyone else have to analyse An Inspector Calls in school? It feels like that to me- those BIG moments and all the little moments in between that add onto the pile.

And it goes on to cause problems in wider society too- ab*se is so normalised to the magicians, they casually ask Underwood if he hits Nathaniel like it's nothing. Because to them it is nothing, they've all grown up in the same circumstances and are repeating what they've learnt as children. I can't help but feel a little sorry for them all, especially when they aren't looked at through the black and white lense of 'argh these people are the evil arseholes look at how they treat everyone around them, screw these guys.' When we see those little glimpses of humanity like Simon's anxiety with the amulet; looking to his master and father figure Schyler for reassurance, and what's sad is that Nat is "reminded...of his own master's cold impatience" It's clear Simon looks up to his master, wants to make him proud and loves him. But it seems like Schyler has just trained Simon up so he can get power through him later on. I love the little hints of similarities between Simon and Nathaniel; the anxious mannerisms like fiddling with his hair that Nathaniel starts to develop, the way their master's talk to them. Even though they're actively working against each other in AOS and Simon is placed firmly in the baddies category and Nat in the goodies category at this point in the series; these things always hinted to me they had similar childhoods, how was Simon treated? When he had the imp beat Nat into unconsciousness, was it because he'd had the same punishment used against him? Did he know the magicians in the room would do nothing to stop him because no one stopped it from happening to him? Did he ever have a teacher stand up for him only for it to change nothing in the end because all the negative influences were so much stronger? Is the reason he loves Schyler like a dad because he's almost developed Stockholm syndrome? It looks like love because he's never known anything else.

And Arthur Underwood- who doesn't think his upbringing, and being taken away from his family ever did him any harm- doesn't realise the harm done is that he doesn't even know another way of raising Nathaniel, because he was never shown another way. His childhood may also have been filled with people who hurt him and the people that didn't do enough to intervene.

There are so many psychology studies that show children copy everything they see the adults in their life doing. Nathaniel copies the magicians behaviour towards spirits and on a subconscious level I think he copies all the submissive people in his life. How many times does he end up upset and frustrated with the fact he seems to be going nowhere and how many times does he just hope things will be different rather than taking postive action.

I dislike the actions the magicians end up taking but I also find them fascinating to analyse. I tend to prefer villains in media because they're usually slightly more complex individuals and I love to think about how they ended up that way. They can all be seen as victims of their circumstances in a way, despite all the power and privilege they have had terrible and traumatic childhoods, and if the commoners had no valuable worldy possessions at least they had a sense of togetherness; of love and understanding and selflessness. I wonder if the magicians hated them at least partly because of that. Because out in the sea of faces of the commoners talking about nothing important, doing nothing great and noble- could be the parents that abandoned them. And when your life is on the line daily because of working with spirits, and your colleagues want to stab you in the back, sometimes not being responsible for anything important looks good. But you can't leave your life as a magician, it would be too difficult; you have nowhere to go, no real friends, no one who really loves you. So it's better to stay and be a submissive bystander in your own life because it's so much easier.

Doing nothing is doing something- being passive can be just as harmful.

[prismaticpichu]

Alongside the millions of other thoughts currently partying in my brain, I’ve been thinking about the kind of guilt an AU Sephiroth would develop should he escape ShinRa’s clutches and have the time to reflect on how much influence he had over people. Reflect on how he—his image, his title, his sheer existence—roped so many innocent lives into ShinRa’s silver-coated facade, lured them into its greedy maws, inadvertently summon them to join the company that was slowly destroying the planet. Reflect on how he indoctrinated innocent children with posters and propaganda, how countless of those troopers and SOLDIERs would be twisted into mindless Genesis Clones, losing their identities forever. And I think about how the weight of these horrible musings would crush him. How they would plague him. Shatter him. Send him spiraling into a gut-wrenching vortex of regret and sorrow, wanting nothing more than to undo the past, to erase himself from those posters, those toys, those newspapers… Just erase him from existence entirely. Turn back the clock, wipe him from the timeline. Eradicate him. Destroy his memory. His power. His fame. Prevent it from ever happening. Stop it. Eliminate it. Eliminate him. Prevent him from ever being born—

Then, ofc, he hears those words… Those healing, magical words from the person who helped him escape in the first place:

“It wasn’t your fault, Seph. It wasn’t your fault…”

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2024: Last Place

37. ISRAEL Eden Golan - "Hurricane" 5th place

Decade Ranking: 150/153 [Above Noa Kirel, below Roxen]

Where do we start?

Let's begin, perhaps by stating the obvious. Israel's participation in this year ruined the contest. You encounter an entrant or two that completely warp the meta around them at every contest, but never to an extent this cataclysmic. Every sour note of this contest, and there were plenty, sprouted from the decision to allow Israel into the year. That was the tipping point. I believe that makes "Hurricane" the worst entry of all times in terms of the sheer negative impact its presence had on the edition it parttook in.

The ESC discourse -on asocial media- completely revolved around the conflict in Palestine either to denounce the war crimes perpetrated by the Israeli goverment and the subsequent silencing of critical voices calling it out, or to make a stand against the Poor Young Girl who was unfairly maligned by radicalized leftists for a conflict she had no hand in.

So was it any surprise that Israel won every Western televote? Be honest. I know that the Twitter manchildren claim Israel cheated, but they are in denial. The televote was genuine. The scalpel slices both ways, sadly. For every heckler booing Eden or protesting for Palestine or announcing a Eurovision boycot or lecturing the general public to not vote for Israel, a sympathy vote for her arises because "Aw She Doesn't Deserve So Much Negativity, Poor Thing". That she willingly chose to rep israel at THIS time with THAT song is blissfully ignored. Eden Golan is not a child. She's fully accountable for the effects that her participation caused, and is perfectly a-OK with it.

So, wake the fuck up. The sympathizing nutcases were OPENLY mobilizing to vote for Israel without even watching a second of the contest, to prove a point against you know, "insane leftist wokery" or whatever they call it. "You can't make me think what you want or do what you want, TAKE THAT". It's the same principle that led to Brexit and Trump beating Clinton. Similarly, they attempted to hijack the results like a particularly nasty species of asian hornet because their 'Freedom of Speech' is more important to them than fair results in an entertainment show, or a potential genocide. Or maybe they were just indoctrinated. A smaller sample size due to boycots + 20 votes per crazed zionist, it's honestly a miracle Croatia STILL beat them in the TV overall.

In other words, pretty much every opinion about Eden revolved around the politics that accompanied the flag she flew under.

And I'm sorry, but Eurovision is not supposed to be about Israel. Why should THAT country get more attention, or even preferential treatment in this otherwise excellent line-up? That's not what it should be about.

It is THEM who it should be about:

None of these artists asked to be a part of this shambolic display. So in that sense, let's do something many have FAILED. Let's do what we're supposed to dp: Discuss the SONG, outside of context.

Frankly, there's remarkably little to say. Even without the context, "Hurricane" would have been bottom of the barrel for me regardless? It's a mediocre sappy ballad aimed to Make People Cry. We see such ballads pop up all the time in NFs (most recently Krick in Luxembourg and Noble in Portugal), where -more often than not- their sucktitude catches up with them and manifests a loss.

I've seen people be outraged that Norway's jury gave it points but I mean, look at any recent scandi NF and tell me a Hurricane wouldn't fit within its ranks. It's Undo, What if, A Monster Like Me, all the tacky soulless ballads with poor narratives preying on the soft-hearted and the guillible with cheap emotional manip. "Hurricane"was cut from the same dementor-esque, sympathy-craving cloth. Call me old fashioned, but I was taught that sympathy requires a modicum of respect, which needs to be earned, not begged for like a dog's dinner. (I hope the Europapa fans are reading this because this also applies to him, and that ghastly outro). If your song was written with the idea in mind of pinkwashing the deaths of a few thousand children, then perhaps you may have not fully earned the benefit of the doubt, jussaying.~

In terms of performance, Eden was vocally good, at least. It's her voice that carries it although i don't find her particularly likeable as a lead. Then again, she is a Russian nepo brat whose family emigrated to Israel after the Ukrainian war so that her daddy to secure his financial assets and the Golans could continue their lavish, privileged lifestyle in a safer country. It was always a challenge, so to say, to consider Eden Golan a likeable individual.

Also what is UP with the choreography? Why do the dancers look like they are loading air rifles? A Choice, to say the least.

So all in all, a pretty weak entry that always would have been in my bottom 3 for any country, but that probably had a ceiling of lower top 10 in a normal, generic year of ESC.

However, this was NOT a generic ESC. There's NO imagining "Hurricane" without its context which makes it so, SO much worse. It was specifically written in support of the Israeli victims in the war (why go through that trouble and not simply withdraw and spend the participation fee on providing for the families of the hostages? Isn't that more effective charity? But hey, what do I know.) There is no "depoliticizing", no matter how often you retcon the lyrics into gibberish. Hurricane's intentions are present in its rhythm, its instrumentation, the keys in which it is sung. The notion that you can separate it from its context is absurd.

And yet, that is precisely what the EBU were hoping for when they allowed it in, and it exploded into their face like a firework. I can't say they didn't deserve it. Ultimately, the full blame for all of this rests with them. If a certain entity threatens the integrity of your being, you get rid of the threat. You don't passively sit back crossing your fingers they leave at their own volition. The Israeli's would understand the reasons for exclusion, surely, as they've been applying the exact same principles to the Gaza Strip since mid October.

The EBU allowed them in, officially to prove Eurovision wasn't political and United By Music (in reality because they're cowards and didn't want to be the first organization to ban Israel from an international event, and be branded antisemites as a result). The result was the most politically charged and divisive contest of all time, rife with incidents that were as avoidable as they were outrageous. It couldn't have been further away from "apolitical unity" if it tried.

Hurricane was NEVER worth the price of admission. All the controversy, the security risks, the boycots, the antisemitism and xenophobia, the censorship, the harrassment of other delegations (which the Israeli delegation EAGERLY participated in) and of course the Israeli embassies in participating countries OPENLY advocating to vote for Israel as "a signal". Even the tensions that led to Joost's dubious DQ which I doubt would have happened at any other contest. This could all have been foreseen and avoided by excluding the country that clearly would have brought the contest into disrepute. Eurovision is now on life support. Congratulations EBU. You KILLED your own contest.

It briefly looked like Israel could win (leave to RAI to be woefully incompetent and blasé), which would have been the final nail in Eurovision's coffin but then they magically lost the televote (thank you SO much Eastern Europe, you are SO real for this) and stranded themselves in 5th place. Instead of being the Worst Winner of All Time, Israel are merely a mediocre also-ran, which I can live with. It makes "Hurricane"' marginally less appalling than "Unicorn" and "I.M" for me. Let their fifth place serve as a grim reminder for future editions that Hatred Breeds Hatred, and also, thankfully, that Love Can indeed Prevail.

THE RANKING

[philiatrix]

It is endlessly frustrating to see people praise mf female led romance/mf femdom romance seemingly just to make fun of the "cringe cishet" male dominant romance.

Like buddy, I am not horny for men whimpering and squirming because it's moral or makes me more progressive, I'm into it because it's hot. And not being into it isn't a moral failure, it's just a difference in taste.

It's also an easy tell that anyone saying this isn't actually into mf femdom because like. If you actually are into it as a kink or genre or whatever, you will find plenty of mf femdom enthusiasts who are WILDLY misogynistic real fast. They're not the majority of the audience in any way, but being horny for female dominance doesn't undo years of sexist indoctrination.

I do wish there was more romance with dominant women and submissive men, and I do think it's good for people to maybe try dynamics and fantasies outside of the socially prescribed normal. But I'm also not interested in the praise of weirdos looking to just insult other romance readers by comparison.

[queersatanic]

Hello !!! 💖 I'm a young satanist trying to figure out how to properly worship and live the lifestyle, but with all the Nazism and such that satanism is infected with, I'm a bit lost as to where to turn for good information that's not gonna accidentally get me on board with ideas that have nasty shit hidden in the shadows of them. Are there any good books/organizations I can look into or just some general tips? <3

We have a certain perspective on this, so bear that in mind.

What is attractive about Satanism as a concept is not really the "might is right" ideology of Anton LaVey and its worship of social stratification, and it's not The Satanic Temple's pyramid-shaped classical liberalism / Gen X trolling.

Rather, it's taking the idea that even if the story of Christian mythology were true, Satan is still the hero for looking at an omnipotent tyrant and that tyrant's proposed immutable hierarchy for the universe but choosing to rebel and grant people agency over their own lives.

And it's the idea that if the Christians say we are demonic or of the devil's party for being queer or seeking the common good of all people, well, then we're with the devil and down to party.

For that reason, anarchism is more central to Satanism than wearing black or lighting candles, even though the aesthetics are what distinguish it from other strains.

From that, Errico Malatesta is a good place to start because he wrote for a long time and focused on pamphlet-style works that could make sense to a typical person, rather than academics.

Malatesta is easy to read, and still relevant in lots of ways because he lived through so much and lived his ideals (famously, for example, refusing to talk to the cops after he was shot by a fellow anarchist over an ideological dispute).

"The ABCs of Anarchism" by Alexander Berkman is also a good introductory work for establishing fundamental values and why.

You also can listen to that one as an audio book over at Audible Anarchist.

Note that both of those are straight white men, and the "mainstream" of anarchism has often had a problem of failing to recognize or live by principles of opposing all hierarchies, including white supremacy and cishetero-patriarchy. The fact that anarchist Becky Edelsohn "dated" Berkman when she was 16 and he 36 (and that this was supported by Berkman's previous partner Emma Goldman) is one example of this. Mikhail Bakunin gave us one of the best quotes of all time regarding anarcho-satanism ("But here steps in Satan, the eternal rebel, the first freethinker and the emancipator of worlds"); Bakunin was also a racist.

Other people can give better advice and examples, but Indigenous Anarchism, Black Anarchism, Anarkata, Queer Anarchism, and Anarcha-Feminism are all areas that a person needs to put work into in order to undo the kyriarchy — the whole structure of interconnected systems of oppression we're indoctrinated into and subjected to.

"But what does that have to do with Satanism?" Mainly it's to help you spot when something you come across is engaging in the sort of hierarchical, fascistic, or even neo-Nazi ideas that LaVeyan Satanism and its offshoots have always had connected with them. They're not always obvious, and having good principles established is the best immunization and antidote to being exposed to new ideas with euphemisms and shibboleths you can't be expected to be prepared for.

You also can come up with your own rituals and ideas. For example, the Satanic Flame Ritual we have is not due to access to some secret knowledge but it helps externalize and objectivize an internal, subjective, emotional process. Things like candles and flames or altars are best seen in that light.

Anyway, hopefully that helps. It's not that you should never read something like The Satanic Bible or other esoteric works to get ideas. It is that Satanism is the exact opposite of place to look for good ideology or consistency, so you want to start somewhere else for that (we say anarchism) and then look to Satanism and other Satanists for aesthetics and inspiration for rituals that you can modify and integrate into your life in ways that best serve you.

[greatwyrmgold]

There had better be more to Sanji than this.

Okay, summary. Reiju (Sanji's sister) is expositing backstory stuff at him. According to her, Papa Vinsmoke* did genetic engineering on his sons to make them into emotionless superhumans, but Mama Vinsmoke* tried to stop them, and for whatever reason it only stopped the "bloodline element" engineering for Sanji. That's why he has emotions.

*Not their actual names

I see what Oda was going for here. Papa Vinsmoke is deliberately shaping his children to be be the same kind of dick he is, Mama Vinsmoke is trying to undo that damage. This would work in isolation without any superscience, but the superscience was added to make it less bleak and also justify the Vinsmoke siblings' superpowers (and why Sanji didn't have them).

The problem is that you can write things you didn't intend to, and in this case, Oda wrote bioessentialism. Sanji didn't get the evil genes, so he has empathy and his brothers don't. As an aside, I do mean genes. I think this argument would still be valid if the "bloodline elements" were just a fantasy heritability mechanism, but they are explicitly DNA.

I'm not sure how you can get more explicit in a setting where "deoxyribonucleic" is not a word. Anyways, Sanji's brothers are genetically emotionless and incapable of empathy, but he's not.

Part of why I dislike that is the vaguely political implications. On one hand, it has been (and still is) common to assume certain kinds of person are biologically predisposed to certain psychological traits; women are emotional and weak-willed, black people are violent and dumb, etc. On the other hand, some groups (e.g. autistic people) have been stereotyped as being specifically emotionless and incapable of empathy as a result of immutable biological characteristics.

And part of it is that I just find bioessentialism boring. Various forms of bioessentialism are extremely common lore points, and all it ever does is reduce ambiguity. Sanji's brothers have the evil genes, so they're going to be evil and that's that. Sanji doesn't have the evil genes, so he doesn't have to worry about ending up like his brothers. They're bad and he's good, if we overlook the sexual harrassment. It's only interesting if it's subverted, and it only makes sense to subvert it because almost everyone plays it straight.

I hope that Oda has a subversion planned. That Sanji had the special bloodline elements all along, he learned to be nice (mostly) because he was exposed to less indoctrination and more cooking or something. Maybe that could be his big shonen power-up. But that's not usually what happens with this kind of plot point.

[trappedinafantasy37]

ACT 3 was one hell of a ride and I have finally completed the Shadowheart origin run! Now it is time to finalized this story. If you have missed the previous updates, check out Act 1 and Act 2.

WARNING: this gets pretty long. Again, it's a story. Some things are gonna be a little bit out of character and involve my own headcanons as I try to fill in the gaps of what isn't directly said in the game.

THE CITY AWAITS

After a long walk from the Shadowlands with Isobel and Dame Aylin, Shadowheart and Minthara finally made it to the city of Baldur's Gate! Shadow can feel that she is on the precipice of many conflicts and so many things are about to be resolved. Unfortunately, she can also feel that many of those resolutions may require violence. She has only recently turned from Shar and still doesn't really know what it means to be a Selunite. Sure, she's taken some guidance from Isobel and Aylin, but their journey with Selune is not the same as hers. They were not brainwashed to hate Selune and all that is good with the world, they did not have their minds wiped over and over so that they can be molded and shaped into the perfect hate machine, and they were not actively tortured by their goddess every time they had dirty and naughty thoughts like empathy and compassion.

Breaking decades of religious indoctrination and countering everything that you have ever known is a difficult and arduous process and not one that is done over night. It isn't easy and it takes an incredible amount of effort. But, no matter how hard she tries, there are some thoughts in Shadow's head that pop up on their own, even if she no longer wants to have those thoughts. Every action she takes from here forward is a deliberate and conscious effort that she makes to not be the same person that she used to be. Unfortunately, Shar and Mother Superior have left deep and lasting scars within her, things that she will never be able to rid herself of. Even though she has turned a new leaf, made an internal vow to do better and be better, she will always have blood on her hands.

It has only been a few weeks of Shadow putting in this effort within herself and Minthara can see the changes. Minthara may not care too much for Shadow having a bleeding heart and wanting to do the "right thing" all of a sudden, but she can appreciate that Shadow is no longer pretending to be something she isn't.

And for a moment, Minthara herself begins to reflect on her own upbringing and the things she has been indoctrinated with. She starts to deconstruct her relationship with the gods and the influence that they should have in their lives, her place in society and where she feels she truly belongs, the importance of trust, and the desire for power. Minthara starts her own process of challenging all the things she's ever known, but unlike Shadow, she is not a blank slate. She does remember everything she's been through these past 200+ years and undoing all that experience isn't going to be so easy for her. Like Shadow, there are just some things even she cannot undo. And there are many things that she would prefer to hang on to.

The process of breaking their own indoctrination is a slow start for both of them. Even though they both recognize the toxicity of their upbringings and the marks it has left on them, neither of them is afraid or ashamed to leverage their teachings in a way that benefits them both. They are also not afraid to continue with their morally dubious actions if it means getting them closer to their goals. So, the two elves travel all around Baldur's Gate doing good while being evil. Some of the shenaninanigans they have been up to:

Settled a squabble between a rich guy and some squatters (they both "died under mysterious circumstances")

Went to the circus and got jumped scared by Orin.

Accidentally stumbled upon a murder mystery that turned into a much deeper conspiracy

Found some gnomes and got a bomb

Started a fight at the checkpoint in which those very gnomes came and saved them

Met Gortash. It would appear that shoddy inaugurations and spilling his evil bad guy plan in front of the entire city constitutes as amongst that minutia of death cult office politics that he's so busy with.

Saved Counsellor Florrick

Continued on their investigation into Bhaal and visited the murder tribunal, killed a sacrifice to get some wicked gear, and then killed Sarevok anyway cause, why not, they were already there.

Beat up a wizard and let Dame Aylin break his back so she can break her oath

Got involved with the Thieves Guild and the Stone Lord

Did a dirty deed for Ethel, but made a crucial ally

Blew up a foundry of slaves

TEAM MOMMY ISSUES

While on this journey of self healing and self reflection, Shadow has spent the entire time just trying to forget the cause of all her worries. But the ever-present wound on her hand that exists just to torment her serves as a reminder that she cannot forget, and she shouldn't. No, Shadow is tired of forgetting. She knows her parents are in the city somewhere and she needs to save them! She can still have the life that has been denied to her. And so, she returns to the House of Grief.

Everyone at the House has been expecting her, but they are not too pleased with her arrival. They are very well aware of her turning her back on Shar and retribution is upon her. Shadow has been through so much on her long journey and has grown incredibly power. But sitting on this bench across from her mother, she is reduced to nothing more than a scared child who knows she has disappointed her mother.

Minthara stands against the wall and watches this entire interaction unfold and for just a brief moment, she sees a reflection of herself within the half-elf. She too has learned plenty of hard lessons at the hands of her mother and she holds plenty of those lessons close to her heart. But there were some days in which she did not see any lesson in the scars her mother left on her, and it felt like nothing but torment for torments sake.

Traveling through the cloister, Shadow is reminded of all the things that she had to do. She learned how to be a good liar and how to pretend to be someone else. She also learned how to torture when it was necessary, how to force information out of people and make them embrace the pain. She does not recall the days in which she learned these lessons, but she has all the skills.

Confronting her mother and the cloister isn't an easy task, but it has to be done. Obviously, Mother Superior wants Shadow to hand over the Prism and she may be "forgiven". But Shadow has learned the hard way that Shar does not forgive and her mother is full of it. Standing on her own two feet, she defies the Mother Superior and the entire cloister turns against her. She does not want to kill anyone here, but she does not feel any sorrow for people that she does not remember. Fighting them all is incredibly difficult as there is twenty of them, and only two of the elves. But with the power granted to her by Selune, Shadow and Minthara are able to burn away the darkness.

Once in her life, Minthara admired Viconia for her rebellion against authority. But she was so naive back then. As she furthered into her career as a paladin of Lolth, she realized just how much of a coward Viconia was. If the former Priestess of Lolth was still in the Underdark while she was, it would have been Minthara's duty to hunt her down and kill her in Lolth's name. Right now, all she sees is a coward who has done nothing but wipe Shadow's mind, torment her and give her lessons in which she can't remember, and rob Shadow of the ability to form her own identity. Minthara takes it upon herself to end Viconia, not in Lolth's name, but Shadowheart's.

But, of course, things are not that easy. Nothing is ever easy. There is an even darker secret hidden in the cloister. The pain that Shadow has felt since the day she started her mission, is the curse that connects her to her parents. And Shar reminds Shadow that there is no escaping her, at least not without making a great sacrifice. There is great meaning to be found in pain, and Shar decides to leave Shadow with what she would prefer to find meaning with.

Her parents want her to let them go. They have seen their daughter once more, she is alive and healthy, in Selune's embrace, and has someone who adores her more than the world itself. Shadow does not want to let them go, she did not come all this way to let them go. If Shar is to damn them all, then they can get through it together. But the Hallowleafs do not want their daughter to suffer needlessly, and neither does Minthara.

To the drow, killing ones parents is an important rite of passage. A perfect method to usurp their place in society, and gain power and status. If Shadow had made a different choice with the Nightsong and not angered Shar, perhaps that would be true. But the option presented to the half-elf is eternal suffering, or freedom from Shar's poison. And Minthara does not want to watch Shadow suffer for the rest of their lives together, not when there is a real possibility for Shadow to be free.

Minthara encourages Shadow to kill her parents. Not because she wishes to see them dead, but because their death means that Shadow will be free to live as herself and without unnecessary suffering. Taking the advice of both her parents and her love, Shadow uses the power of Selune and sets them free. Their souls are no longer bound to the Lady of Loss and they return to Selune's embrace where they were meant to be. Shadow will never know who she was before the cloister, she will never know who Jenevelle Hallowleaf was or who she could have been. And she will have to live with the guilt of having tortured them, and the grief of having to kill them.

BLOODY VENGEANCE

Every night since meeting her at that circus, Minthara's mind has been swirling with the paranoia and terror that Orin was always close by. Walking down the streets of the city, her eyes would watch every single person around, trying to determine which of them was an impostor who is only there to trick her or hurt her or worse.

Walking down into the sewers, inching closer and closer to Orin, Minthara is filled with incredible doubts on whether or not she will survive the ordeal. This is the woman who "indoctrinated" her into the Cult of the Absolute, filling her mind with what are clearly lies. To make it worse, the shroud has been lifted and the memories she once believed to be pleasant dreams were nothing but nightmares in which she was robbed of all choice in the matter.

But right now, she has a choice. She has Shadow, someone she cares for deeply. Someone who has never hurt her, or lie to her, and made a promise to protect her, even from Orin. This time, she knows that what she feels for her cleric is real and nothing is compelling her to feel the way she does. Under normal circumstances, she would feel incredible pressure and terror at admitting this level of vulnerability. Especially when admitting love and affection has always awarded her with a new scar. Or worse, a dead lover. But it is either now or never and she tells Shadow that if they are to survive this fight with Orin, she wishes to remain by her side for the rest of their lives, because the bond they share is unbreakable one.

To make it all worse, Orin did not even speak to her, didn't even address her, pretended like she wasn't even there! She had held Minthara down in a cocoon of flesh, cutting her and torturing her for days. And she doesn't even get the honor of an acknowledgement? This iblith's mind games never end and she wants to further the torment by focusing on Shadow, making it clear that if Minthara doesn't act quickly and with decisiveness, her precious cleric will be turned into a sacrifice before Bhaal. And what then? What is Minthara going to do then? She will have lost her only reason for fighting and she will succumb to her fears and become susceptible to Orin's knives once more. She cannot let that happen. Not again. She's had enough of Orin's games.

And of course, the fight with Orin wasn't easy, it was never going to be easy. All of Minthara's greatest fears are culminated into one: the Slayer. In another life, Minthara would admire this type of power. No, she would revel in it! She would open her arms wide and embrace the incredible and exquisite creature that it is! Hells, she would have willingly embraced Orin if she had been given the choice.

Too bad this isn't that life and Orin, the Slayer, is nothing but another monstrosity that needs to be exterminated. Minthara cannot and does not care about how removed a crazed Bhaalspawn will be of great benefit to the living world. She does not care that Orin needs to die so that they may nab her Netherstone and get one step closer to the Absolute. No, Minthara wants to kill Orin solely out of vengeance. To right the wrongs that Orin had brought upon her. She is well past the point of mercy.

Even though Minthara herself personally delivered the killing blow and watched the Bhaalspawn dissolve into a puddle of viscera, she still has difficulty believing Orin is dead. But right now, she can't focus on that. Shadow does her best to try to comfort her through all this, but greater problems need to be addressed. Shadow has spent too much of her life repressing how she feels and running away from her true emotions and pretending she doesn't feel what she does. She is not oblivious to the fact that Minthara has an annoying habit of doing the same exact thing, and Shadow understands exactly why.

Later at camp, when they are both in a safe and secure place, Shadow asks Minthara to open up, tell her how she feels about Orin's death. Of course Minthara is glad Orin is dead, but she is not as satisfied as she thought she would be. There was never going to be a smite that would have been powerful enough to remove the scars that had been left on her. Shadow can sympathize. As much as she does not wish to see her paladin in pain, she knows that this is something Minthara will carry with her for the rest of her life. But in time, she will overcome it.

A NEW BEGINNING

With all the Netherstones gathered, it is now time to face the elder brain and deal with the Absolute. The two of them fight valiantly and fearlessly through the city and up to High Hall. With a Mind Flayer on their side, and a few powerful allies, the elves push through the burning city and all the nightmares conjured by the elder brain. This is a fight, not just for their lives, but the world. With the brain just about ready to break, it pleads for mercy, offering itself as a tool to be used and abused just so that it may live.

Of course Minthara still wants to take control of it. Her and Shadow can stand side by side as gods and make the world a perfect place. They will be equal to the others and gods like Shar and Lolth can never touch them again. And if they tried, then the two elves will have a much easier time fighting back.

But this isn't what Shadow wants. She understands Minthara's reasoning. The drow says it's all for the power, the control, the glory! But deep down, it's nothing but fear. The fear of being abandoned, the fear of being betrayed, the fear of her devotion being thrown back in her face and being punished with death. Shadow has felt it all herself. But becoming the problem will never be a viable solution. Shadow stood before Shar, defied her, and paid the price. She knows it is possible to fight back and live. And she is not going to allow Minthara to fall into a death spiral because she is too scared to walk a different path.

What could have been their crowning achievement crashes down into the ocean as Shadow asks the Emperor to destroy the brain. Minthara stands on the pier, watching as it drowns in the ocean. All that power, all that potential, wasted. But she is free. There is no longer a tadpole in her head, threatening to turn her into a mind flayer or a thrall. The Absolute cannot break her and Lolth cannot touch her. The decision may not have been hers to make, but she will appreciate the freedom of it all. It's not as if the Absolute was the only path to world domination, just the fastest and most convenient.

The two elves take a moment to catch their breaths and get some rest after saving the world. Being a savior is... new for Minthara. It's weird and something she never thought she would be considered. The people adore her and thank her in the streets every day. Perfect! They are priming themselves up to be easily manipulated later! The drow will be sure to leverage this affection.

The city is saved thanks to Shadow's singular decision. Of course she was worried about the fate of the world. She understands more than most to have your strings pulled by a domineering god, and she did not want to subjugate others to that same torment and anguish. She does not know if she will ever fully embrace Selune yet, but she will appreciate the fact that Selune has given her the ability to forge her own path. And Shadow will give the same to others, as well as Minthara.

Minthara doesn't miss a beat, nor does she lose her breath. She has accepted the loss of the Absolute and immediately moves on to scheming about how to take over the city from the shadows. All Shadow can do is roll her eyes and laugh. Her ambition, although sometimes self destructive, is just one of the many reasons Shadow fell in love with her.

The two of them have been awarded a lifetime together and Minthara wants to spend every single second of it with Shadow. She may want to rule the city, but she wants more to do whatever her cleric wants to do. Baldur's Gate, although her home, is nothing but a fragment of a memory Shadow will never get back. She wants to know more about Selune, find out what would have driven her parents to worship the moon goddess, and maybe find some meaning in the new divinity she channels. She wants to see the world and find a new purpose and find out who she wants to be now that she has the freedom to.

Of all the gods, Selune is probably the only one Minthara has no quarrel with. She wants Shadow to be free, and Selune will give that to her. Selune is the one who won't kill or abandon or torture her followers for every tiny mistake. She will allow Shadow to make the choices she wants, and won't punish her for them. Unlike Lolth, unlike Shar, unlike Bhaal, unlike the Absolute, Selune won't force her followers to be who they don't want to be, or do what they don't want to do. All she will do is guide them through the dark whenever they feel lost.

And so, without protest, Minthara marches alongside Shadowheart out of Baldur's Gate as they continue on their new journey of self-discovery.

Thank you very much for reading all of this, I know it was a lot. And I want to give a most special thanks to those who have followed me through all of this. I'm actually kind of sad that this run came to an end. But, it's not entirely over as I got a whole fic to write about it now and I'm kinda excited about it!

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