#uncle newt

[restlesshush]

My friend made me this 🥰

[friend-through-teenage-nights]

Transcript under cut:

Newt: Well, since you have summoned me to celebrate Jeremy Wilkinson's life, with a paeon of praise.

Jeremy Wilkinson, boy for all seasons

From conkers in autumn to swimming in spring

Hobbies, achievements, so many and various

O muse of poetry, now let us sing

Jeremy Wilkinson, friend of humanity

Put up the blackouts for old Mrs Moor

Tireless cadger of Saucepans for Spitfires

Can't be long now til he wins us the war

Jeremy Wilkinson, promising pianist

Firm with the left hand, loud with the right

Just let him loose on the William Tell Overture

That's when you'll know that you've been in a fight!

Jeremy Wilkinson's shrapnel collection

Viewed by his rivals with envious eyes

How very cunning to pick a collection

Where daily new specimens fall from the skies

Jeremy Wilkinson, grizzled old veteran

Eighth of October, an auspicious date

This is the day that, at least unofficially

He stops being seven, and starts being eight

Jeremy Wilkinson, famously courteous

To please his old uncle, will now close his eyes

Sadly, his mother is stuck on a narrowboat

Somewhere near Stratford

Or is she?

(door opens)

Vanessa: Surprise!

Jerry: Mummy!

[End credits]

John: (voiceover) 1943, Spetwith.

Newt: And so, Jack returned in triumph to the village, and his mother wept tears of joy, and the villagers sang paeons of praise. The end.

(Jerry clapping)

Jerry: What's paeons.

Newt: Paeon is a long poem about how wonderful you are.

Jerry: Oh! Can I have one?

Newt: Not now. Maybe for your birthday.

Jerry: Ohh, alright. Goodnight.

Newt: Goodnight. Sleep tight!

Jerry: (chanting) Don't let the bedbugs bite.

[aspeccharactersoftheday]

Oswald “Uncle Newt” Nightingale from John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme is aromantic asexual!

[cupparosielee]

O. Nightingale - Jerry's poem for Uncle Newt

My Uncle Newt, that prince of men

Lived out his threescore years and ten

And then another score besides

And then nine more

And then he died.

A shame to miss his century?

No, I can hear his little cough.

Ninety-nine's all very well

One hundred would be showing off.

A slippery fish, was Uncle Newt,

Though newts and fish are not the same!

And uncle is not strictly true

And Newt of course was not his name.

His real name I never knew,

And come to that I still don't know.

Though living with him through the war

I found out it began with O.

For on brown envelopes I read

In formal letters, stiff and blank,

O. Nightingale. Oh, what a name!

A cry of Keats from Barclays bank!

And what a man! He took me in

A scared and lonely boy of four

And promptly set me writing rhymes

He promised me would win the war.

He paid a ha'penny per verse

On strict condition that they scanned.

Such kindly busy work to give.

He little knew what he began.

Teacher. Storyteller. Friend.

Kindly. Wise. Absurd. Astute.

Well, since you ask me for a toast...

O. Nightingale. Oh, Uncle Newt!

[cuddlykukalaka]

JFSP TMHT

Because I can't seem to find the sketch by itself anywhere else.

[mywingsareonwheels]

Every story would be improved by having Oswald “Uncle Newt“ Nightingale in it.

Because he is sweet and delightful and ace and brilliant and is a teacher and a poet and the most uncley uncle to ever uncle even though he is in fact lying when he says he’s an uncle.

[o-uncle-newt]

As I do several times a year (and yes I know it only first aired in 2021), I just listened to JFSP S9 on a three hour flight recently and oh man it is still everything I love about it.

Usually when I'm listening to Cabin Pressure or JFSP in public, the issue is laughing out of nowhere and freaking people out- in this case I wonder whether people were weirded out by me just bursting out in these enormous pure cathartic smiles every so often which I'm sure were demented-looking, or the several times I sniffled.

(Incidentally, I already start crying in that first Since You Asked Me. On my first listen when I was super skeptical, hearing "perhaps there's been a mixup" "possibly" was what first made me think "oh, okay, this is going somewhere interesting and I need to keep listening to find out what"- now every time I hear that exchange I tear up a bit. And then, and I don't take credit for this realization at all, I read it from someone else online, but the whole fact that the Since You Asked Me is about not being able to take credit for what you have created, and instead allowing someone else to take the credit because you know it will make them happy, and that being the thing that causes the narrator to call them hero turtles, and all of this is from Uncle Newt at Vanessa's funeral...! I was wiping away tears.)

[lothiriel84]

Poll containing spoilers for JFSP series 9 under the cut:

[apicelladonna]

Is it just me but of all the brother/sibling relationships in the HP/Wizarding World, only Theseus and Newt Scamander came out unscathe and happy?????

Like even the Weasley had their fair shares of tragedies, and then here's Newt enjoying retirement somewhere in his suitcase with his bosswife Tina, and while maybe Theseus never married anyone, he'd might've been the best uncle to his brother's kids.

[timespanner]

Newt: There was a... misunderstanding.

Gally: Was there? Or an understanding?

Newt: No. A misunderstanding. I think perhaps the same misunderstanding you're making right now.

Gally: Oh! Then... I thought perhaps we shared a family failing.

Newt: Why have you asked--

Gally: Because after all, you know, you've never been much of a one for the girls.

Newt: No! Look. Since you-- since you insist upon asking me, Gally, I, I don't have the least use for the whole silly business.

Gally: Ah.

Newt: Leaves me entirely cold.

Gally: You've tried it then.

Newt: Never. And I never shall.

— John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme, s09e06

[newtstesco]

fine. i will draw a modern character. i was a boy scout once and i need you all to know that the boy scouts are actually like that. shroomy is like the most accurate boy scout ever. ALSO dude why is everyone shipping shroomy with whole ass ADULTS?!?! i’m pretty sure (i know this for a fact) shroomy is meant to be A SCOUT LEADER THAT IS STILL A SCOUT (WHICH IS A THING IN THE BOY SCOUTS, SOME OF THE SCOUTS ARE ELECTED AS SENIOR PATROL LEADERS OR QUARTER MASTERS). HES LIKE 15. DUDE.

[themuffin2649]

Scenario: Poisoned Apple

—————

Old Lady: “Come now sweetheart, just one bite of the magic apple, and he’ll love you again.” She said, gently putting a delicious red apple into Vincent’s hands.

Prince Vincent looked at the bright red apple, then at MC dancing with Leon on the ballroom floor, before wiping away his tears and taking a big bite from the cursed fruit.

Suddenly, MC turns their attention to the sound of somebody collapsing onto the ground, along with an old lady cackling. A juicy red apple rolls over to his feet with one bite taken out of it.

MC: “You! What have you done to him?!” He said, rushing over to Vincent’s side.

The witch laughs as she transforms from an old lady to her true form.

MC: gasps “Camilla!”

Vincent’s Uncle dashes into the room hearing the commotion.

Victor: “Guards, Seize her!”

Camilla: “HAHAHAHAHA!! This is what your family gets for betraying us! You’ll never see your precious Prince again!”

The guards rush over to the witch, but she disappears in a cloud of smoke before they reach her.

MC: “Somebody help! He’s not waking up!” He said as he frantically shakes Vincent.

Leon picked up the bitten apple and presented it to MC

Leon: “It’s the witch’s magic, her curse must has been stored in this apple he bit.”

All three boys looked at the fruit, then at Vincent. They’ve all read about this fairytale and they all know the cure, but are unsure of it.

MC: “Wait! T-That means!”

Victor: “Please! It’s the only way to save him. I know we aren’t on good terms, but this isn’t about us anymore, it’s about him.”

Leon: “Umm? Isn’t there somebody else who can kiss him?” He said, pulling the MC away.

Victor: “It must be done through true love’s kiss gags And this young man is the only one he romantically loved.” He said, pulling the MC back.

MC: “oh, please work. (or I did this for nothing)”

MC lifted Vincent’s head and tilted it so that it faced his. Leon huffed in annoyance while Victor crossed his fingers that it would work.

As MC and Vincent’s lips were about to touch, everybody turned their attention to another guest collapsing. This time, the bitten apple that rolled from their hand oozed a black liquid before rotting. Everybody gasped.

Leon: “Wait a Damn minute!” He said, as he stomped on Vincent’s foot.

Vincent: “OWW!!”

Leon: “You weren’t asleep! You were just pretending to be cursed so that you would be kissed!”

Vincent: “uhhh…” he quickly pulls MC into a kiss.

MC: “Mmph!!”

Victor: “HEY!”

Leon: “OI!”

The four started bickering. Leon and Victor being upset about Vincent faking being cursed, Vincent smirking in pride, and MC’s face being bright red as an apple from kissing Vincent.

Newt: “Uhh… is nobody going to help the guy that’s Actually cursed?!” He said, poking the guest with a stick.

[finneysvan]

they all destroy me. so tragic for what. ESPECIALLY GLAGGIE.

Also the CHOKEHOLD this song gasbon me rn

[sidecharactersdomatter]

The latest Futurama episode was hilarious, and the scenes where Newt was carried by Amy and especially Kif gave me pure serotonin.

I also liked the part where Fry sat with the Kroker kids to watch the Rankin Bass movie and he was the only one who didn’t have his eyes covered when Santa got violent and then he cried with the three kids when they learned the horrible truth.

[chocolatepot]

How is it that the second I try to write praise kink I literally forget what compliments are and how they work?

[freedomforthewin]

April Fool’s Prank

(Part 1 of The Chosen Ones series)

It was teatime, and Newt, Theseus, and seven-year-old cousins Juliet and Judette went into the kitchen to prepare for it. Theseus and Newt washed their hands before going to the cupboards. Then, Juliet pushed the stepping stool in front of the sink and stepped on that stool. She tucked her nearly shoulder-length black hair behind her ears, rolled up the gray long-sleeves of her light pink shirt, and washed her hands. When she was done, Judette got on the stepping stool, quickly smoothed her dark blue t-shirt down, and washed her hands.

The kids got the placemats, utensils, and napkins, and started setting the table. Newt got the teabags, sugar, cups, and spoons for his and Theseus’s teas, and Theseus took out the plates and cups and set them on the counter within the girls’ reach. The girls took them and finished setting the table.

Newt sped up the steeping process, then took the sugar container and poured the sugar into the teas. Juliet and Judette saw that, and their eyes widened and they pressed their lips together, trying to suppress their smiles. Meanwhile, Theseus set out some scones, strawberry jam, cantaloupe that he had sliced earlier, and dairy-free milk.

Then, everyone sat at the table and got their food. The kids weren’t strong enough to pour the milk without making a mess, so Newt poured milk into Judette’s cup, and Theseus poured milk into Juliet’s cup.

Then, Theseus took his spoon and started to stir his tea. Newt did the same.

The girls quickly glanced between Newt’s and Theseus’s cups and their own food as they ate, trying not to be too obvious. Theseus was a highly observant auror after all.

When the brothers were done stirring their teas, they raised their cups to their lips and took a sip.

They sputtered in disgust.

The tea was salty!

The girls burst out laughing. Theseus and Newt, looked at them and then at each other, confused.

“We got you!” they exclaimed gleefully.

“What—” Theseus stammered.

“We switched the salt and sugar,” Juliet said, smiling.

“You did?” Newt asked incredulously.

“Yeah! We used magic to take them out of their containers and put them in the other ones,” Judette said excitedly.

Newt and Theseus were quiet for a few moments. Then, Newt remembered.

“It’s April Fool’s Day,” he said, smiling at Theseus. Theseus’s eyes widened in realization.

The girls giggled.

Theseus chuckled and shook his head.

“Alright, you got us,” he said in mock defeat. He held his arms out toward them. “Come here, you two.”

When Juliet reached him, he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her, rocking her gently. After he pulled out of the hug, his hands lingered on her shoulders and he smiled at her.

When he let her go, he turned to Judette, ruffled her short black hair, and pulled her closer to him so he could kiss her head. He then laid his hand on the edge of her shoulder, smiling at her.

Like her dad, Judette didn’t like hugs.

Theseus let her go and then turned towards Newt. He chuckled, and Newt shook his head in amusement.

The girls walked over to Newt.

“April Fool’s, Daddy,” Judette said as she looked up at Newt, a big smile on her face.

Newt laughed and shook his head.

“April Fool’s, Judette.”

He kissed his daughter on the top of her head and cupped her cheek before letting go and giving the same affection to his niece.