#uncle barney is not canon

[angels-heap]

Not tacking this onto my last reblog out of respect for OP and their notifications, but their excellent post (and my own recent visit with a "family friend" uncle) helped me put my finger on my specific issue with 95% of “Uncle Barney” headcanons.

Like, I am guilty of Uncle Barney crimes. To this day, I am continuing to perpetrate Uncle Barney crimes. I don’t hate the idea of Barney and Alyx having been close for much of her life. To be clear, there is zero canon evidence suggesting that this is the case, but I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with this headcanon. What I don’t like, though, is the way so many people who aggressively headcanon this relationship also conceptualize Alyx as some sort of naive forever-child, trapped in a state of arrested development where she still relates to Barney (and/or Dr. Kleiner, her canonical pseudo-uncle) like she would have at age 12. I am begging y'all to please stop infantilizing this poor woman.

A lot of the appeal of Uncle Barney (to me) is the opportunity to explore the ways Alyx’s relationship with an adult family friend would change over the course of her life. What was it like for her to come of age as one of the youngest people on Earth and slowly become peers with people she used to see as authority figures? What can she learn about herself, the people around her, and the situation they’re in when the older generation finally stops censoring themselves around her? How many of her childhood experiences might be suddenly re-contextualized by new information from her older friends? In a pre-HLA timeline, how does the untimely death of her father, her last living biological relative, affect her relationships with other "family" members?

I would love to see more people explore these kinds of questions in fanworks, instead of just having Alyx around to squeal “eew! gross!” when the male characters make out, act like they are her dads when she is canonically very close to her actual literal dad, or ask them questions about things that any reasonably intelligent 24-year-old could figure out on her own.

C'mon, folks. We can do better than this.

[catlokis-blog]

LMFAO i shouldve known your takes were bad from the gman adoption stuff but uncle barney? really?

its like nobody appreciates a good headcanon nowadays

[angels-heap]

Sorry for the psychic damage, y’all. These tags are unfortunately relevant and they haunt me.

no because ive seen ppl act like gordon and barney are her uncles dads?? or something??? a SCARY number of people, actually. weird infantalization shit and convenient erasure of eli and kleiner that could easily be debuked if people played the game. shes in her mid 20s oh my god. the only reason that people are so gross about alyx is because shes blasian and none of the ppl peddling this have ever engaged with a character of color outside of them being mere background characters or stereotypes but frankly noone is willing to have that discussion

Absolutely agree, I’m glad that the half-life fandom has shifted a lot since 2020. But I still get people in my asks trying to start shit and trying to act like fannon stuff is cannon??

Also Russel, Eli and kleiner supremacy?? They are the og uncles and dads

And don’t even get me started on the about of racism and sexism that is buried into the way the fandom portrayed alyx; she’s such an amazing character and she deserves better

[skaruresonic]

Honestly, as fun as it was to go "Jesse what the fuck are you talking about" at the absurdity of fandom tourists who refused to engage with canon in good faith, it still felt like people explaining the nitty-gritty of how and why Freemance "didn't count" as pedophilia were giving the antis too much ground. Like they were implying there was a point that any given HL ship could be considered too problematic to defend.

As someone who ships Valhoun, which could arguably be considered more problematic than Freemance in this system of moral checks and balances by mere virtue of Barney actually being in his forties or so (although even that is debatable tbh), as opposed to Gordon's Schroedinger's Creepy Old Man Status, needless to say, I found the whole thing ridiculous.

To me it doesn't really matter even if Gordon was 47, because Half-Life exists in a context where real-life social mores don't apply as stringently. Humanity is on its last legs and Eli wants grandkids, yo. I have argued in the past that age gap squicks would likely lessen out of necessity following the Combine's breeding suppression. People need to procreate in order to repopulate the species, after all, and beggars can't be choosers. Kleiner said "get busy fuckin' or get busy dyin'" for a reason.

However, I'm not terribly keen on Freemance because Gordon's blank-slate status means I'd have to make up his characterization in my head, and it just doesn't seem worth the effort. I always feel like I'm shipping a dozen different versions of Gordon rather than Gordon himself. He also... just doesn't react to Alyx, making their chemistry incredibly lopsided. At least Barney goes "Eugh" when Alyx teases him about "not being an animal person"; Gordon just presumably stands there like :I when she cracks her Zombine joke.

Despite lifting somewhat in recent years, fandom has an ironclad "Barney is Alyx's uncle/big bro" fanon, which is just as annoying as "Shadria is incest" because it basically sprang out of nowhere. Canon seems to imply that Barney and Alyx are acquaintances at best, not terribly familiar with each other outside of their faintly overlapping social circles. Kleiner is honestly their only link. Barney, in fact, has less reason than most other older male characters to be considered one of Alyx's honorary uncles. At the very least Alyx suggests the possibility Gordon may have seen her once as a child; no such equivalent exists for Barney. The idea he babysat her is also hilarious considering he never even directly addresses Eli in HL2. On top of that, there's the issue of infantilizing Alyx, which I could rant about for hours. Yes, Valhoun may be just as "fanon" as Uncle Barney headcanons, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking in terms of the series' overarching context. I view Valhoun as a sort of push-pull dynamic between Barney and Alyx, duty stifling love and placed inside a pressure-cooker of sexual repression. Hot. Plus, there's that forbidden fruit aspect of rebel/Metrocop lol. And while I would in a perfect world like to see the two be together, given HL's bleak world, realistically, I don't see it working out. Not even in an "Alyx dumps his ass for Gordon" kind of way, necessarily, but in a "they break up out of fear for each other's safety but there are still lingering feelings if they gaze in the other's wake for too long" kind of way. I have also argued that all three major HL ships bear imbalances. Valhoun does not suffer the experience gap that Freemance and Freehoun would; Barney and Alyx would have shared roughly the same life experiences under Combine rule that Gordon lacks.

[govnoparashka]

i hate how the fandom treats alyx sometimes. like no... gordon and barney are not her uncles/dads/siblings. it really frustrates me when people can't comprehend characters being friends. when there are 2 characters the fandom feels the need to put them in one of the two boxes: they either have a family dynamic or a romantic one. friends can be close, friends can be your found family, family dynamics and friendships are different. its not wrong to headcanon barney as her uncle or sibling its ok its nice but why gordon. it's weird gordon is around her age gordon is kinda her canon love interest you don't have to ship them but he's not her brother or uncle or dad why can't they be friends. kleiner is alyx's uncle and eli is her dad you don't need to bring gordon and barney into this not everything is about them. eli azian and kleiner raised her. she has parents she has an uncle she has family for the love of god let her have friends. like i get it you ship gordon and barney but you don't have to make their relationship with alyx a family one just so she doesn't get in their way. they can be friends. freemance and freehoun are fine and it's fine to not like these ships. you just don't have to slap a family label to everything that is not dating. people can be friends! with big age gaps even. alyx and barney are friends! gordon and alyx are friends! if you don't care about her that's fine nothing wrong with focusing on characters that you like but please don't pretend that you care if you do it by not taking her relationships with others seriously. god help me

[monkeychief1904]

GIVE ME MORE OF YOUR FREEHOUN THOUGHTS

HI SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I WAS BUSYYY

Ok so I told you most of my thoughts already lol

I was recently thinking about maybe how they first met. I think them meeting because Gordon got lost in the vents trying to help Kleiner with getting into his office would be really funny. Gordon wanted to be helpful and Kleiner mentioned how some guard named Barney would go in the vents and help so he tries and gets lost. Barney goes in the vents after and Gordon accidentally scares him and they get to Kleiners lab together. Then after this encounter they slowly become friends and the next time Kleiner loses his keys Gordon is able to get them before Barney since Barney showed him the way, and their races in the vents become a thing they do.

I still can’t decide if I prefer that they dated pre res-cas or not cause the office romance is sooo cute BUT the idea that they both had what they thought was an unrequited crush and neither being able to get over it. Barney because everyone kept insisting Gordon was coming back, hard to get over someone when everyone’s talking about them and you’re wondering what could’ve been. And Gordon because for him it’s been like 2 weeks (idk the freaking timeline) so he’s still got it bad. The idea that they both confessed their feelings and then like, didn’t start dating or didn’t talk about it properly is also just mmmm drama. Still adore all the pre res-cas stuff people come up with tho so freaking cute.

I also love the idea of Barney only knowing a tiny bit of sign language when he first meets Gordon, then taking time to learn it properly so they can talk easier. Barney still knows ASL after the combine and everything cause being able to communicate without talking is very helpful for a rebellion that doesn’t wanna be discovered. Since most of the rebellion leaders worked with Gordon they all knew at least some sign language, but Barney was the one who was the best and maybe got fluent in it? I’d imagine they’re all pretty fluent/good with it by hl2

OH I didn’t say much about post-canon ideas cause I don’t have many but basically Gordon and Barney are just fun uncles to Alyx and they hang out often. Alyx definitely overdramatically like gags or goes “ewww” when they kiss or whatever as a joke lmao but they know she’s just messing with them.

I really love Gordon being like an older brother to Alyx btw they’re friendship is sooo well done in hl2 specifically the episodes.

[homiesondaweb]

Shout out to @frogs4frogs for finding these picrews for spidersonas for shawties that can't draw! I didn't want to hop on her post with her Sona and rambles for jt, So! I made my own to ramble on lol.

This is Etta Hampton (Ezy) aka The Recluse the one and only Spiderwoman of New Tulsa on earth 9539

Etta is 17 and lives with her Uncle Barney who owns the Urban Stables that most people in North use for boarding. Etta's lived with her Uncle Barney since she was seven after the death of her parents in a mysterious OzCorp Refinery explosion. She has an army of aunties and cousins that live on the East Coast in Old York or DC.

Etta is incredibly smart, soft spoken and caring. She loves ATV or horse trail riding, welding, pottery, and botany. To the point she plans on triple majoring civil engineering, mechanical engineering and sculpture after she graduates from the Parker's Gifted Academy. Her uncle is her biggest supporter for her education and hobby pursuits and gave her her own garage/studio to work in.

Etta is best friends with the fire chief's son Bart Brown (9539's Hobie), the Bugle Radio's owner's daughter Merry Jameson ( 9539's MJ) and Harry O. (9539's green goblin who just causes more chaos over harm, absolutely hate his father) who the world fattest crush on her and she is 100% oblivious to it.

When Etta was 14 she stormed off after an argument with various of her visiting aunties about her "manish" pursuits she took her four-wheeler and went off trail to a forbidden zone that was the contamination and closed of remains of the OzCorp Refinery. While exploring the remains, Etta was bitten by a radioactive Brown Recluse when security guards had cornered her and she was forced to hide in one of the old R&D offices.

She has the usual power set for a spider person: Spidey sense, the ability to stick to walls, super strength and super agility. Along with long sharp nails that are extremely durable and sharpened canines that have a paralytic and necrotic venom. Etta has two specialty abilities: one is to produce different kinds of acid from her hands and apply it to her organic webs to create different kinds of traps or help her to escape. The other is an ability to control her temperature to the point she can send heat waves of energy off her body or stun/shock others with a fridged touch.

As the Recluse her biggest foes are Cyclone Sandman, Cotton Mouth, and King Scorpion. She has a half allyship with the for hire thief/ spy Prowler (Miles M. Davis) and Green Goblin (she usually just catches and releases with his antics) the fire chief and sheriff work well with her. In school as her regular persona her academic rival is Miles.

Etta tricked out an ATV to fit her theme and made it hover/wall fly so she can still get to places that don't have the highrises that need her help. She controls it remotely sometimes to help rescue people or lead the emergency services to a location/criminals she's taken care of. This causes her Uncle Barney to think she is a close friend of Recluse and works on her tech. He likes Recluse but is highly worried for 'both' their safeties.

The only "Canon Events" she has gone through is the death of her parents and giving up being Spiderwoman for a while after she failed to save a little boy's parents during a train derailment caused by Sandman.

Miguel sent Jess and Ben to recruit her for the Spider Society after she dealt with a Vulture variant and he worried over the fact that her Gwen Stacy event hadn't occurred yet (death of Harry in her case, his spine snaps as he is GG when she tired to stop him from plummeting after a mid-air battle) they haven't explained this to her yet. Etta tries to stay in her world but really likes collaborating on inventions with other spider-peoples and usually sticks to the R&D or repair department over missions.

Is works besties with Margo but highly distrusts Lyla. She partial mentors under Jess and let's Gwen stay in her dimension sometimes when Hobie's world is overwhelming.

Loves blooming onions and other savory snacks, it's not unusual to see her as Recluse snacking on jerky or street corn. Tamale ladies love her. Often wears overalls or jeans jackets over her spider suit. Has hella Spotify followers because her playlists are absolutely fire (even Miles admits this)

And that's kinda it! I have hella backstory about my girl, please ask about her😁💛

[akallabeth-joie]

The Blue Castle, Chapter 45

Another new beginning is paired with a beautiful, colorful sunset over the natural world.

Cousin Georgiana won the Stirling contest, and is thus selected as the most appropriate cat-sitter. Cross-checking for hypocrisy, previous Stirling complaints against cats were made by Amelia and Aunt Isabel (with second cousin Sarah Taylor mentioning Barney’s ownership of “dozens” of cats); while Aunt Wellington, Aunt Alberta, and Cousin Sarah all volunteered to take the cats. I suppose Amelia’s new-found appreciation for Valancy did not extend to Banjo & Good Luck. I’m also going to head-canon (based on her taking second place) that Aunt Alberta would have been the next choice for cat-sitting.

Interesting how Doc Redfern went for the “screaming purple” car while Barney prefers a more sedate (but still eclectic) dark green. I hope Lady Jane has been adopted by Roaring Abel.

“‘Midst pleasures and palaces though we may roam // Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.”

I hope they have a thoroughly delightful time traveling abroad before their next summer on Lake Mistawis.

No Stirlings appear on the page, so the final scoreboard is the same as for chapter 44. To the surprise of no one, Cousin Georgiana is the winner of the “Least Awful Stirling” award, with a total of seven points, the only positive score. Tied for second with 0 points we have the “stupidly good” Aunt Alberta and Uncle Herbert, as well as the only-mentioned-once Second Cousin Jane. In the “Worst Stirling” category, we have Valancy’s own mother, Amelia, with a record-setting -50. Christine Stickles and Uncle Benjamin follow at -18 and -15 points respectively.

Mrs. Stirling: -50

Cousin Stickles: -18

Uncle Benjamin: -15

Aunt Wellington: -11

Uncle James: -11

Olive: -9

Uncle Wellington: -4

Byron Stirling: -2

Aunt Isabel: -2

Cousin Gladys: -2

Cousin Betty: -1

Aunt Mildred: -1

Second Cousin Sarah Taylor: -1

Aunt Alberta: 0

Uncle Herbert: 0

Second Cousin Jane: 0

Cousin Georgiana: 7

[randomnameless]

Eh, I'm of two minds wrt Possessed!Byleth. On the one hand, this proves that Intsys does not really care about consistency in their main games and just want to sell units. On the other hand, Nopes is an Alternate universe of FE16 so *shrugs*. That said, I'm dreading the wank that'll probably come from Edelstans and (maybe) Khalidstans, cause you know they're going to start shit on how this is why Sothis, and Byleth & Sothis BaD respectively.

Why would Khalidstans react negatively to this alt?

Granted, I haven't interacted with them at all (I think?) so I don't really know how the discourse goes in those circles.

(I mean, are Khalidstans even taking Nopes as canon? Given what it says about Almyra, I'd be pretty pissed if I was an Almyra fan!)

FeH cannot say Billy became possessed to avenge Jerry, else we will have to wonder why and how Jerry kicked the bucket which will raise two sets of interrogations :

How the fuck Tru Piss exists as Flamey works with the people who killed Jerry and Billy never brings it up - and just like Dimitri snapped when Flamey went "idgaf about Duscur" or the lolcalised "IDK", a Billy who rushed to the forest and is willing, in Nopes, to offer their body to a foreign entity for vengeance doesn't seem that open to listen and but the "I had to work with Uncle bcs Rhea BaD but I swear for realsies I never knew what was going to happen and I forgot to tell u Monica was Kronya, an assassin who wanted to hide the experiments made to create my "reserve troops" well yes i knew some students were going to die but did you know Rhea can turn in a dragon thus isn't human!!!"

Why Jerry died in Nopes - and no route can be canon, so...

I joked about it in the first post following the reveal, but even Nopes itself retconned Billy as someone who didn't want vengeance for Jerry (as opposed to FE16) by having them fight against Sothis's control and letting Barney win - in a rush to make Lizards BaD, Nopes retconned (not the only retcon though) FE16 again lol

[angels-heap]

I mentioned this in my post but what even happened to freemance in 2020?

Hoooo boy. To make a very long, very weird story as short as possible...

Prior to the Half Life: Alyx announcement and subsequent emergence of the Half Life VR But the AI is Self-Aware (HLVRAI) fandom in 2020, freemance was by far the dominant ship in the Half Life fandom. It seemed like most active fans at least passively shipped it, the vast majority of fanworks featured it in some capacity, and people who preferred other ships or didn't like freemance just... didn't like it. They didn't act like they needed a reason.

However, after the aforementioned events led to a huge surge of new Half Life fans, freehoun (Gordon/Barney) became much more popular, practically overnight, for some combination of the following reasons:

Lots of new Half Life fans were discovering the series via HLVRAI, where frenrey (Gordon/Benrey) was/is a popular ship. Some of these new HL fans essentially transposed their preferred frenrey dynamics into freehoun fanworks, often with very little knowledge of (or interest in) the HL games and the relevant lore.

Large fandom did what large fandoms do and gravitated towards shipping the two hottest white guys, regardless of context.

Old and new fans who enjoyed ships other than freemance became more active and creative when they were no longer in a minority.

And this was fine! A little annoying at times, but had it stopped there, we wouldn't still be talking about this. Alas, around mid-2020, a couple of kids (independently, as far as I can tell) wrote "callout posts" about freemance and its shippers in an effort to justify their personal tastes... and all hell broke loose. These posts, and the many, many posts that followed, relied heavily on the following argument:

Gordon has known Alyx since she was a small child (he hasn't) and may have even been a father/uncle/brother figure to her (he wasn't), which means pursuing 24-year-old Alyx romantically would make him a pedophile (it wouldn't) because he's been "grooming" her since she was a child (despite having been in stasis for approximately 83% of her life) and is obviously imagining her as a child every time they smooch (and they think we're the weirdos?). This means freemance shippers are also pedophiles because they condone this behavior (no), and also they are anti-feminist/homophobic/racist for shipping Alyx with a white man who's actually 47 years old (Gordon is canonically 27 in HL2) instead of shipping him with a man and her with a woman or not shipping her at all (despite the fact that Alyx is canonically attracted to Gordon).

If this sounds insane to you, it's because it is. This is an Olympics-worthy reach. They 100% pulled this whole theory out of their asses. But these posts picked up traction quickly, given that a large slice of the fandom had little to no knowledge of actual Half Life canon and really wanted a reason to dunk on freemance beyond "ew boring straight ship." It was like this awful game of fandom telephone, and the wildest part was that a lot of these kids (and yes, it was mostly kids) actually believed these accusations, despite having never seen or sought out any direct evidence of them.

For the following 6 months or so, freemance shippers faced relentless harassment -- death threats, doxxing threats, accusations of child sex crimes, etc. Here's the long post I was eventually forced to make about the situation, which includes several examples. Check out my ship discourse tag for more highlights if you want to go down the rabbit hole. Things settled down a bit after the original shit-stirrers left the fandom, but the harassment continued on and off for a couple of years and it still crops up every now and then.

It makes me so sad to remember all the cool people I met in early 2020 who ultimately left the fandom due to the harassment. The overall fandom vibe was so rancid that even people who didn't ship freemance just couldn't take it anymore. I've stuck around because Half Life is an enduring fixation for me (and out of spite), but the fandom lost a lot of amazing artists and writers and I hope they're all living their best lives out there.

I don't know how to end this post on a non-cheesy note so I'll just say it feels nice to finally refer to this whole thing (mostly) in the past tense and I am excited to see new folks joining the fandom who are unburdened by the Freemance wars. Live your dreams. :)

[doughbrainer]

Alrighty, Sorry This Took So Long But I've Updated Barley's And Everret's References! As Well Got A Better Idea For Their Personalities And Story! Some Information Might Be Different From The Original Reference, But I Also Rushed Those Really Hard So Don't Be Surprised.

Anyways, Let's Get To It!

BARLEY CALHOUN (She/Her) Voice Claim : Nana Osaki (Nana)

Barley Calhoun Is The Human Daughter Of Barney Calhoun And Currently Unnamed Mother And Is From The Universe That The Original Half-Life Games Take Place. Barley Was Born Before The Suppression Field Was Put Into Place And Was Hid In Secret By Her Mother And Eventually A Scientist Known As Dr. Cohrt. She Sticks With Dr. Cohrt For A Long Time, Helping With The Work He Does, Seeing Him Somewhat As A Father Figure.

Eventually, Like Her Parents, She Goes Under Cover For The Resistance And Becomes A Metro Cop. Around The Same Time, Dr. Cohrt Gets In Contact With Eli Vance And Isaac Kliener. Working Together As Gordon Freeman Eventually Comes Back. They Make Their Move To City 17 To Help With The Uprising. Sadly, Due To Dr. Cohrt's Age, He's Unable To Fight Back And Eventually Dies.

Barley Continues To Fight Against The Combine And Finally Meets Up With The Other Scientist. Soon, She Finds Barney And Realises He Is Her Father. It's Not Easy For Her To Get Along With Him At The Start As It Is Right After She Loses What She Thought Was The Last Family She Had, But Soon She Does Start Seeing Him Properly As Her Father.

When She's In Her Mid 20s, She's Approached By The G-Man, Representing His Employers. She Tries To Avoid The Job She's Given That Would Hire Her But Eventually Does It By Accident Anyways. Therefore Putting Her In Similar Position To The G-Man. This Automatically Gives Her A Long Life, Technically Immortality But Barley Can Still Get Fatally Wounded But Still Won't Die. Eventually She Gets The Power To Travel Across Universes, Which Is How She Goes Into The HLVRAI Universe And Meets Benrey, Gordos And The Gang, As Well As The Kickstart For The Events That Led To Everett.

Speaking Of The Boy!

EVERETT CALHOUN (He/Him) Voice Claim : (Older) Snufkin (Moomin Valley) (Younger) Adorabat (Mao Mao: Heroes Of Pure Heart)

Everett Calhoun Is The (Unconfirmed Fanon) Son Of Barley Calhoun And Arden Ardven. Obviously, He Took His Mother's Last Name. He Was Born After His Mother Got Pregnant After Eating His Father Heart. After Barley Found Out That Arden Couldn't Regenerate Any Part Of Him If It Was Eaten, She Took It Upon Herself To End Arden And Took His Heart, Therefore Ate It. Everett Never Knew Who His Father Actually, He Understood That Benrey Was His Uncle Due To Being Related, He Knew Of Arden's Life As His Actions Greatly Affected Not Only His Biological Family But His Alien Species As A Whole. The Reason Why It Took So Long For Him To Find Out Was Because No One Didn't Know How To Break The News To Him Until Barley Rips Off The Bandaid For Him When He Was 13.

Everett Wasn't Much Of A People Person Growing Up, He Only Really Hung Out With People He Knew His Mother Trusted, So Most Of His Family, He Considers His Friends. The Only Person He Could Really Consider An Actual Friend That Isn't Family Is Joshua. He's Very Attached To His Uncle Benrey, As Benrey Felt A Father Figure To Him. Everett Is Very Expressive Both Physically And Emotionally, He Uses Sweet Voice A Lot, Especially Into Adulthood. When He Does Eventually Find Out Arden Is His Father, He Becomes More Noticeably Anxious About Stuff. Although Everett Is His Own Person, He Has Nightmares About Parts Of Arden Living On Inside Him.

.

Arden Is @pistachi0art's Original Character. Everett Is NOT Canon To Arden's Lore As Far As I Know, So This Is Just My Personal AU For Now.

Also Despite Barley Being A Half-Life OC, From The Half-Life Universe, I Won't Be Tagging Half-Life, I Don't Want To Get My Ass Bit

[beatrice-reden-official]

Gulli has the best extended family she has like. Three grandpas (Grampa (Kleiner) , Gamgam (Eli) and Grandbeing (G-man), a Gramma (Azian), she has a spare parent (Gordon, he's Alyx's qpp and lives with us), two uncles (Barney and Russel), and a godmother (Judith, Alyx doesn't like her in canon but this takes place years later and I think she warmed up a bit to her, and Omega is good friends with her so)

It's a shame she doesn't have another grandma and another uncle Delta would have LOVED Gully. Stephen would have too :(

YEAH. That is one big family :0!!

[kleenexwoman]

Valentine Fandom Ask Meme

1, 9, 13, 17, 27

1: This is very hard to answer. Most of my ships are non-canonical, but a lot of them are implied (Aziraphale/Crowley isn't NOT noncanon, Dan/Herbert is very subtextual, Kirk/Spock had Gene's blessing, Illya and Napoleon really don't have anyone but each other, and Sebastian Stan was playing closeted on purpose).

George/Marty is probably the least "canonical" big ship I've ever had. MJF and Crispin Glover are great at being hilariously awkward around each other. George being queer was my immediate vibes-based headcanon in the same way that FtM Marty is a lot of people's vibes-based headcanon (I cannot argue with it at all, I love it), and the idea of finding closeted queer people in your family tree is something that I love. Plus, I raised my own ass on Heinlein novels, and dude was going back in time to bang his slutty red-headed grandma. I feel that I deserve some goddamn same-sex time-travel incest in my media if I'm going to be faced with heteronormative paradoxes all the time.

9: fuck, this is really hard. I feel like my wife and I have some good Steve/Bucky going on. Mutual support through hard times, devotion that doesn't depend entirely on romantic feelings (if we hadn't started dating so quickly we'd still be really good friends), being willing to punch Nazis for each other. And all of that is important! and I *have* that. World cold and hard, tits warm and soft.

But I also want someone who's gonna top me and be kinda aggro and make me feel fucked up in a good way. I've been reading a lot of Karate Kid/Cobra Kai fanfic recently, which is FULL of rivalry sex and slamming people into lockers and evil obsessed sugar daddies. I wanna be Daniel LaRusso and be a spunky little dork trying to do karate (yes, I know karate. No, not very much of it and it's been a long time but I keep wanting to get back into it) and have some anime rivalry with a butch who wants to pin me down and get into my pants. I will take a raddled post-menopausal handywoman if there's no sleazy 80's businesswoman available.

13: Pendergast/D'Agosta deserves more content. I know there's some. I literally commissioned some (for charity). It needs a huge archive with a frames/no frames option chock-full of long, self-indulgent smarm and slash in every imaginable scenario, like Man from Uncle or Starsky and Hutch or Due South. But alas, tisn't.

17: I think I like "friends first" ships. It's how I tend to fall in love. Even when I have enemyships, I like them to have been friends before the falling out--Lex and Clark from Smallville, where Lex starts out trying so hard to make friends with Clark that it was a GIANT ship, or the fine gold standard of Magneto and Professor X.

27: Barney and Robin from How I Met Your Mother. I really liked Robin, and I liked the idea that this complex, independent woman and this ridiculous man-slut nerd could actually have a good and healthy relationship with each other once they moved past society's sitcom expectations of what heterosexual relationships were supposed to be like and carved out a comfortable place for themselves. But I guess THAT was just some bullshit.

[muzelor]

𝙼𝚄𝚉𝙴𝙻𝙾𝚁 , independent , private and iconless multimuse blog featuring a collection of canon characters from various media sources , as well as original characters . bemused by veronica .

𝙵𝙴𝙰𝚃𝚄𝚁𝙸𝙽𝙶  𝙼𝚄𝚂𝙴𝚂  𝙵𝚁𝙾𝙼 : the vampire diaries universe , hoegwarts universe , stranger things , alice in borderland , scooby doo , disney , addams family , league of legends , barbie universe , the big bang theory universe , how i met your mother , dc comics , marvel , archie comics , as well as folklore ocs .

️️️️️️️️️️️️️  ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ ️️️️️️️️️️️️️   ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ 𝙾𝙽𝙲𝙴 𝚄𝙿𝙾𝙽 𝙰 𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙴 . . .

✦ ⋅⋅⋅ MUSES FOR MOBILE;

▐  DISCLAIMER  ;  all characters are written from my own perspective. some are canon compliant (those with no link attached to them), whilst some were taken from canon and rewritten almost entirely (those with links). all disney characters are from storybrooke, with the exception of alex. all lost boys characters besides paul are taken from either the craft or my babysitter's a vampire, but they're all from santa carla. only their location has changed, their backstory remains the same. after the fandom name, you will find a hashtag along with two-three words inside straight brackets [...]. for a better experience for all of you, please blacklist all the fandoms you do not wish to see! if, by any chance, you wish to write with a muse from said fandom, i will make sure not to add the tag on our thread(s).

▐  THE VAMPIRE DIARIES  [#vampires hide] ;  tatia anderdottir , kai parker , hayley marshall , henrik mikaelson , davina claire , josie forbes , kol mikaelson , elena gilbert , hope mikaelson.

▐  HOEGWARTS  [#wizards hide] ;  dorcas meadowes , ginny weasley , bellatrix lestrange , josie dumont , fred weasley , regulus black.

▐  DISNEY  [#fairytale hide] ;  red riding hood [ruby] , esmeralda fernandez , elsa arendottir , anna arendottir , alex russo [rashid] , evie grimhilde , mal , snow white.

▐  STRANGER THINGS  [#experiments hide] ;  barbara holland , kali prasad , veronica ecker.

▐  SCOOBY DOO  [#meddlers hide] ;  velma dinkley , thorn , shaggy rogers , daphne blake , sibella.

▐  THE LOST BOYS  [#night sluts hide] ;  paul downs , nancy downs , erica jones , sarah fox , benny weir.

▐  ALICE IN BORDERLAND  [#gamers hide] ;  kuina hikari , karube daikichi , akane heiya , aguni , chishiya shuntato , usagi yuzuha , arisu ryohei , niragi suguru , mira kano , hatter , ann , banda.

▐  HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER  [#fahrampton hide] ;  robin sherbatsky , marshall eriksen , barney stinson , lily alrdrin , ted mosby , tracy mcconnell.

▐  BIG BANG THEORY  [#geniuses hide] ;  leonard hofstadter , melissa cooper , penny teller.

▐  ADDAMS FAMILY  [#goths hide] ;  pugsley addams , thing , morticia addams , gomez addams , uncle fester , ophelia frump , lenora frump , lurch , michael langdon.

▐  LEAGUE OF LEGENDS  [#champions hide] ;  evelynn , jinx , caitlyn.

▐  MATTEL  [#dolls hide] ;  stereotypical barbie , singer barbie , beach ken , backflip ken , magician ken , allan.

▐  DC + MARVEL COMICS  [#heroes hide] ;  harley quinn , joker , peter parker , eddie + venom , morgan stark.

▐  ARCHIE COMICS  [#horrors hide] ;  cheryl blossom.

▐  ROMANIAN MYTHOLOGY  [#folklore hide] ;  georgiana dumitrescu , viviana olteanu , ecaterina ivan , narcisa lupu , daniel , parascheva.

✦ ⋅⋅⋅ RULES FOR MOBILE;

▐  DISCLAIMER  ;  independent, private, selective, iconless, duplicate friendly and mutually exclusive. no hate, discrimination or bigotry allowed on my watch or there will be consequences. this is just a hobby, therefore i am not affiliated with the fandoms ᅳ we're still waiting for the adoption papers to go through.

▐  TRIGGERS  ;  all triggers will be tagged as trigger tw/. this blog contains mature, as well as gore content. the following mentions will be frequent on this blog: violence , gore , death , mental illnesses , war , politics. if a particular thread contains triggering content, even if it’s just implied, it will still be tagged as trigger tw/. keep in mind that these topics, albeit triggering for some, are used for storytelling purposes and i will not water down the severity of any of them. if you don’t want to see it on your dash, do not follow this blog.

▐  FOLLOWING  ;  if i follow you, it means i want to write with you. everything is opened to mutuals (people i follow that follow me back)  :  sending anything through my inbox, yelling at me through ims or over discord, tagging me in stuff, mentioning my characters in other threads, selling me to the dark lords. if i don’t follow you it’s probably because (1) i can’t see our muses interact or (2) i can’t find your age anywhere listed. being 18+ is mandatory, as this blog contains mature and gore content. it’s important to note that, if i don’t follow back and you have ideas in which our characters could interact, you can shoot a message or sent me an ask to let me know. chances are high that i will follow you back. if i’m breaking mutuals, i will either softblock or hard block (depending on your preference, if it’s listed anywhere in your rules). if you want to break mutuals with me, please hard block. if you must softblock, here’s a chill message for you to send before softblocking : always gonna give you up, always gonna say goodbye. you’d be rickrolling me and breaking mutuals like the legend i know you are.

▐  FORMATTING  ;  small text, double space, bold, italics, strikethrough and underline text. because i have too many muses, i will only be using banners with their name, but if you want icons / gifs for our threads, i think i can work it out hopefully. i also write a lot, but don’t feel like you have to match my format. i usually accommodate my writing partners with the length, but mistakes happen and i get carried away sometimes.

▐  SHIPPING  ;  yes, please. grabby hands. i need it. chances are, if you ship it, i most likely shipped it for a while now. chemistry is important no matter the dynamic, so if you want to try something, never refrain from yelling at me in private. i will yell back. wanted dynamics are  :  platonic , familial , romantic , antagonistic , to name a few. if you want to get into specifics, take a look at this meme and let me know either by sending the emoji through my inbox or telling me in private (ims/discord).

▐  MUN  ;  howdy potential new friend. i'm veronica, a 21+ cryptid from eastern europe. i got my bachelor degree in sociology with specialization in criminality and deviance and right now i am taking a master in sociology of consumerism and marketing. i am a gemini and i own two cats, jinx is a persian mf and kira is half persian half demon, if you ask me. i can always provide proof. i am addicted to coffee to the point if i don't drink 2 a day i become two of snow white's dwarfs... grumpy and sleepy. one of my favorite authors is paulo coelho, i fell in love with his work on the witch of portobello. i like to present myself as a halfblood since on my dad's side i am rromani. english is my third language, first is dumbass and second is romanian. you want proof of my first language? in highschool i was sent to a psychologist because i thought it'd be funny to make a gore video of joker (2019). i also have loads of really stupid or really creepy stories, feel free to ask me about them. and if you want to break my brain, ask me what's my favorite song. i seem to forget all songs i've ever listened. if you read everything, i'm sorry. here's a knock knock joke so i can make it easier for you to hard block me: knock knock. who's there? a dwarf. a dwarf who? a dwarf who can't reach the doorbell, that's why he's knocking. you may hard block me now.

▐  OTHER BLOGS  ;

miercolaes  —  a single muse blog, featuring the cryptid that is wednesday addams. i’ve taken all canon material and decided to rewrite it and we still didn’t end up with something good, babes. so if you’re looking for a psycho with psychic abilities that struggles to understand human emotions and would fight you just because, this is your blog!

bahrbae  —  a single muse blog featuring the actress barbie doll. legend has it she was owned by joker which would explain her fuckedupness. so if you’re looking for a fucked up doll with a knack for horsies (which apparently does not equate to patriarchy????) with many other verses, this is your blog.

salemarked  —  a single muse sideblog to #miercolaes featuring dorcas goode. you may know her canonically as goody addams but guess what, you shouldn’t trust everything you see or hear! that’s how they get you. but if you’re looking for ancestral rage and a top tier manipulator who has a very unfortunate history, this is your blog!

[b4rbierobertsaa]

𝙼𝚄𝚉𝙴𝙻𝙾𝚁 , independent , private and iconless multimuse blog featuring a collection of canon characters from various media sources , as well as original characters . bemused by veronica .

𝙵𝙴𝙰𝚃𝚄𝚁𝙸𝙽𝙶  𝙼𝚄𝚂𝙴𝚂  𝙵𝚁𝙾𝙼 : the vampire diaries universe , hoegwarts universe , stranger things , alice in borderland , scooby doo , disney , addams family , american horror story , league of legends , barbie universe , the big bang theory universe , how i met your mother , dc comics , marvel , archie comics , as well as folklore ocs .

️️️️️️️️️️️️️  ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ ️️️️️️️️️️️️️   ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ ️️️️️️️️️️️️️ 𝙾𝙽𝙲𝙴 𝚄𝙿𝙾𝙽 𝙰 𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙴 . . .

✦ ⋅⋅⋅ MUSES FOR MOBILE;

▐  DISCLAIMER  ;  all characters are written from my own perspective. some are canon compliant (those with no link attached to them), whilst some were taken from canon and rewritten almost entirely (those with links). all disney characters are from storybrooke, with the exception of alex. all lost boys characters besides paul are taken from either the craft or my babysitter's a vampire, but they're all from santa carla. only their location has changed, their backstory remains the same.

▐  THE VAMPIRE DIARIES  ;  tatia anderdottir , kai parker , hayley marshall , henrik mikaelson , davina claire , josie forbes , kol mikaelson , elena gilbert.

▐  HOEGWARTS  ;  dorcas meadowes , ginny weasley , bellatrix lestrange , josie dumont , fred weasley.

▐  DISNEY  ;  red riding hood [ruby] , esmeralda fernandez , elsa arendottir , anna arendottir , alex russo [rashid] , evie grimhilde , mal , snow white.

▐  STRANGER THINGS  ;  barbara holland , kali prasad.

▐  SCOOBY DOO  ;  velma dinkley , thorn , shaggy rogers , daphne blake

▐  THE LOST BOYS  ;  paul , nancy downs , erica jones , sarah fox , benny weir

▐  ALICE IN BORDERLAND  ;  kuina hikari , karube daikichi , akane heiya , aguni , chishiya shuntato , usagi yuzuha , arisu ryohei , niragi suguru , mira kano.

▐  HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER  ;  robin sherbatsky , marshall eriksen , barney stinson , lily alrdrin , ted mosby , tracy mcconnell.

▐  BIG BANG THEORY  ;  leonard hofstadter , melissa cooper.

▐  AMERICAN HORROR STORY  ;  michael langdon.

▐  ADDAMS FAMILY  ;  pugsley addams , thing , morticia addams , gomez addams , uncle fester , ophelia frump , lenora frump , lurch.

▐  LEAGUE OF LEGENDS  ;  evelynn , jinx , caitlyn.

▐  MATTEL  ;  stereotypical barbie , singer barbie , beach ken , backflip ken , magician ken , allan , teresa , raquelle.

▐  DC + MARVEL COMICS  ;  harley quinn , joker , peter parker , eddie + venom , morgan stark.

▐  ARCHIE COMICS  ;  cheryl blossom.

▐  ROMANIAN MYTHOLOGY  ;  georgiana dumitrescu , viviana olteanu , ecaterina ivan , narcisa lupu , daniel , parascheva.

✦ ⋅⋅⋅ RULES FOR MOBILE;

▐  DISCLAIMER  ;  independent, private, selective, iconless, duplicate friendly and mutually exclusive. no hate, discrimination or bigotry allowed on my watch or there will be consequences. this is just a hobby, therefore i am not affiliated with the fandoms ᅳ we're still waiting for the adoption papers to go through.

▐  TRIGGERS  ;  all triggers will be tagged as trigger tw/. this blog contains mature, as well as gore content. the following mentions will be frequent on this blog: violence , gore , death , mental illnesses , war , politics. if a particular thread contains triggering content, even if it’s just implied, it will still be tagged as trigger tw/. keep in mind that these topics, albeit triggering for some, are used for storytelling purposes and i will not water down the severity of any of them. if you don’t want to see it on your dash, do not follow this blog.

▐  FOLLOWING  ;  if i follow you, it means i want to write with you. everything is opened to mutuals (people i follow that follow me back)  :  sending anything through my inbox, yelling at me through ims or over discord, tagging me in stuff, mentioning my characters in other threads, selling me to the dark lords. if i don’t follow you it’s probably because (1) i can’t see our muses interact or (2) i can’t find your age anywhere listed. being 18+ is mandatory, as this blog contains mature and gore content. it’s important to note that, if i don’t follow back and you have ideas in which our characters could interact, you can shoot a message or sent me an ask to let me know. chances are high that i will follow you back. if i’m breaking mutuals, i will either softblock or hard block (depending on your preference, if it’s listed anywhere in your rules). if you want to break mutuals with me, please hard block. if you must softblock, here’s a chill message for you to send before softblocking : always gonna give you up, always gonna say goodbye. you’d be rickrolling me and breaking mutuals like the legend i know you are.

▐  FORMATTING  ;  small text, double space, bold, italics, strikethrough and underline text. because i have too many muses, i will only be using banners with their name, but if you want icons / gifs for our threads, i think i can work it out hopefully. i also write a lot, but don’t feel like you have to match my format. i usually accommodate my writing partners with the length, but mistakes happen and i get carried away sometimes.

▐  SHIPPING  ;  yes, please. grabby hands. i need it. chances are, if you ship it, i most likely shipped it for a while now. chemistry is important no matter the dynamic, so if you want to try something, never refrain from yelling at me in private. i will yell back. wanted dynamics are  :  platonic , familial , romantic , antagonistic , to name a few. if you want to get into specifics, take a look at this meme and let me know either by sending the emoji through my inbox or telling me in private (ims/discord).

▐  MUN  ;  howdy potential new friend. i'm veronica, a 21+ cryptid from eastern europe. i got my bachelor degree in sociology with specialization in criminality and deviance and right now i am taking a master in sociology of consumerism and marketing. i am a gemini and i own two cats, jinx is a persian mf and kira is half persian half demon, if you ask me. i can always provide proof. i am addicted to coffee to the point if i don't drink 2 a day i become two of snow white's dwarfs... grumpy and sleepy. one of my favorite authors is paulo coelho, i fell in love with his work on the witch of portobello. i like to present myself as a halfblood since on my dad's side i am rromani. english is my third language, first is dumbass and second is romanian. you want proof of my first language? in highschool i was sent to a psychologist because i thought it'd be funny to make a gore video of joker (2019). i also have loads of really stupid or really creepy stories, feel free to ask me about them. and if you want to break my brain, ask me what's my favorite song. i seem to forget all songs i've ever listened. if you read everything, i'm sorry. here's a knock knock joke so i can make it easier for you to hard block me: knock knock. who's there? a dwarf. a dwarf who? a dwarf who can't reach the doorbell, that's why he's knocking. you may hard block me now.

▐  OTHER BLOGS  ;

miercolaes  —  a single muse blog, featuring the cryptid that is wednesday addams. i’ve taken all canon material and decided to rewrite it and we still didn’t end up with something good, babes. so if you’re looking for a psycho with psychic abilities that struggles to understand human emotions and would fight you just because, this is your blog!

bahrbae  —  a single muse blog featuring the actress barbie doll. legend has it she was owned by joker which would explain her fuckedupness. so if you’re looking for a fucked up doll with a knack for horsies (which apparently does not equate to patriarchy????) with many other verses, this is your blog.

salemarked  —  a single muse sideblog to #miercolaes featuring dorcas goode. you may know her canonically as goody addams but guess what, you shouldn’t trust everything you see or hear! that’s how they get you. but if you’re looking for ancestral rage and a top tier manipulator who has a very unfortunate history, this is your blog!

[hiddenpxpercuts]

Was that [JACOB ANDERSON]? Oh no no, that was just [BARNEY STINSON], a [CANON CHARACTER] from [HIMYM]. They are [TWENTY-FIVE] years old, use [HE/HIM], and [ARE] aware that they are not actually from Washington DC. Too bad they can’t stray from this city for long.

Welcome Barney Stinson to Washington D.C. The player from the West is coming to the other side of the world.

He has been in Washington D.C for like 4 months. 

He is working at the local law firm for business and banks. 

He is still an annoying player.

Love him.

Barney was born sometime between 1974 and 1976 and grew up in Staten Island.[2] In "Columns" set in 2007, Barney gives his age as 31 further confirming his birth year is 1976. In "The Drunk Train" Marshall states Barney is a Scorpio which places his birthday between October 23 - November 21, 1976.

Barney was raised by his single mother, Loretta Stinson, along with his older half-brother, James. As kids, James and Barney would often ask their mother why they were of different races (James is black), but she would lie or change the subject. Barney often asked who his father was. In a bid to get him to stop asking, she would claim it was TV show host Bob Barker, leaving Barney distracted by this possibility for years. On 23 July 1981, Barney's biological father, Jerome Whittaker, took Barney to the National History Museum, under the guise "Uncle Jerry". Then six-year-old Barney knocked down the blue whale hung from the museum's ceiling by throwing a triceratops' rib at it. When they returned home, Loretta was furious. Barney was told Jerry moved away permanently. The last words his uncle told him before he left were "Never stop partying".

Throughout his childhood, Barney was constantly lied to by his mother to protect his feelings; for example Barney was told by his mother that he couldn't play basketball because he was too good, and it wasn't fair for the other kids, but in reality, his coach knew Barney wasn't good enough for the team. Barney was not a popular child and was picked on. In seventh grade, Barney was bullied by Matthew Panning, who bragged about how he had sex with 100 girls. In response, Barney told Matthew Panning that he would one day sleep with 200 girls, a promise he eventually fulfills, much to adult Matthew's disgust. As Barney grew up in the city, he never learned how to drive and was terrified to do so. It was revealed in The Leap, that Barney had confessed to Lily at some point that, in his early life, he'd wanted to become a violinist.

In 1998, Barney had graduated college and was working with his girlfriend, Shannon, in a coffee shop. Barney had grown up to be a hippie. He had planned to join the Peace Corps and go to Nicaragua with Shannon. They reveal they planned to lose their virginity to one another only after they got married. After Shannon did not show up for their departure to Nicaragua, Barney returns to the coffee store. When she sees he's back, she tells him that her father, who was still financially supporting her, wouldn't allow her to leave and told him to go on without her. As Barney was leaving, he decided to go back to the coffee shop to try convince her one more time. When he returns, he discovered she was cheating on him with a businessman named Greg, who Barney had previously served as a customer, and who humiliated him for being a hippie. Greg tells Barney the key to picking up women is to have money and suits. Heartbroken, Barney films himself singing a song to convince Shannon to take him back, but she and Greg continue to humiliate him. Barney runs from the coffee shop distraught. As he walks alone crying, he is given a brochure about a suit sale. He adapts his dress style and dating personality to match that of Greg's, the man who took Shannon away from him. At an unknown time between 1998 and 2001, Barney quits his job at the coffee shop and becomes an employee of AltruCell Corporation, a highly corrupt corporation, while secretly working as an insider for the FBI. His work as a plant leads to Greg being arrested.

Barney gets advice from James

Barney goes to James for advice, sometime after losing Shannon. James tells Barney that he needs to lose his virginity and suggests that he loses it to their mother's 45-year-old friend Rhonda French, who would constantly talk about the guys she slept with in front of them and had the nickname "The Man Maker". Barney slept with Rhonda, losing his virginity at the age of 23.