#ummm he's pissed lol

[astrumocs]

Do you think Vanalliea would want to see you self flagellating over her? Because from here all that “I don’t deserve to talk about it” looks a lot more self-pitying than genuinely remorseful.

Are you really upset because you hurt him? Or just because, in doing so, you lost someone important to you?

> His wings flare out with his sudden surge of emotion, almost as though they were a threat display.

"How fucking dare you speak to me like this about him. As if a faceless coward has such a right to question if I am upset for only myself. I cared, I loved him."

"Cantare was a kind person. A beautiful soul-- If I could go back and get kicked off of Saral before we'd even met, solely so they could have their home back, I would do so in a heartbeat."

"And you will not speak her name and act like you know her, wretch."

[dr-gaytorius]

Have you ever been so angry you can't sleep bc you're thinking about murder and revenge. This is worse than being too horny to sleep. Shaking and crying because how can I make him suffer without it tracing back to me. Things that are normal and regular

[pseudophan]

genuinely insane that people were accusing dan of queerbaiting because imagine trying to test the waters in being out and proud about your sexuality only for a bunch of strangers on tumblr dot com to accuse you of queerbaiting. jesus christ

literallyyyyyyy i don't think anything has ever pissed me off more on this website than that whole ordeal. here most of us were being like omg dan seems more comfortable now do you think maybe he'll be open to share more about his sexuality eventually? how exciting! good for him! happy days in the phandom! and then some miserable assholes just had to be like ummm actually i think he's just using it for views and also anyone who doesn't see that is naive and if you've ever experienced any joy fuck you

and it's not that i don't get where they were coming from either, it wasn't an entirely outlandish possibility if you're cynical enough to believe he would do that, but dragging everyone else down with you and making them angry at dan for something you have no actual evidence of him doing is unnecessary and just like. really mean lol

[fyodoro]

𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐞 - 𝐑𝐞𝐨 𝐌𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐠𝐞

-> Reo could have anything and everything he wants, some more replaceable than other. But why would he want to replace something (or rather someone) that's irreplaceable? (1k words)

-> CW) Reo's parents are really shitty here, gaslighting, cursing, ummm reo shows a brief sign of crazy but it's nothing compared to the toothbrush scene, kinda dialouge heavy, kissing lol

This is more Reo-centric tbh. I've never seen a fic that included how his parents would feel about a relationship with someone that wasn't mega rich, and wanted to experiment with that idea a bit.

Also, this was a scrap from the event I'm working on. I didn't wanna put it to waste so here it is.

“Reo, sweetie… we love you dearly, you know that?”

Reo merely stared at what was in front of him, his parents. It was hard to tell whether he was pissed, upset, or unbothered. But anyone who knew the young man would tell you exactly what that look on his face meant.

He’s pissed.

“But we think you need to reconsider this… decision of yours.” His father finished. The purple haired woman next to him nodded firmly at her husband’s words. “As much as we love you, we also need to keep the Mikage Corporation in mind. And that… person of yours… how do I put this?”

“They aren’t good enough for you or the family.” Reo’s father said what his mother was too scared to say. 

In short, you didn’t match their qualifications for Reo’s “future partner.”

“I’m sure they’re a joy to be around, really. But they don’t come from a wealthy family. One of the most important things to look for in a lover is a family-”

“So this isn’t about me, this is about the company? Whatever happened to ‘loving me dearly?’” Reo cut his father off, not wanting to hear another word out of him.

“We do love you, sweetheart. That’s why we want what’s best for you. And who you want to bring into the family isn’t worthy of accompanying you, let alone becoming a Mikage.” His mother’s tone was so sweet it was almost sickening. What was the point in acting so nice while spouting the cruelest words? 

Reo’s brows furrowed harshly. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to call them out on their bullshit, or punch them. The latter was most preferable. 

“You two don’t know a thing about (Name), so just shut up. Whatever I choose to do with my life is none of your business.” Reo spat.

His father opened his mouth to rebuttal, but Reo ran off before he could get a word out. As much as he wanted to chase after him and drill the meaning of being a “heir” into his head, a hand on a shoulder held him in place.

“Don’t.” Mrs. Mikage started, gazing at seemingly nothing. “He’ll understand sooner or later, just have some faith in him.”

Reo wanted nothing more than to kiss you passionately right in front of his parents. He knew it’d piss them off further, and that’s exactly why he wanted to do it. Why does he have to be the only one pissed off in this situation? His parents have to be worried, and you…

“So… does that mean we have to break up?” 

And you have to be guilty.

“No. We aren’t breaking up, I promise.” Reo reassured. He hated how you felt like this mess was your fault, because it wasn’t. It was his parent’s fault.

It was like they had a checklist for Reo’s potential lovers. Are they wealthy? Are their parents also CEO’s? Or at least work in higher ranks for a big company? Are they attractive (in their eyes)? If they didn’t fill out every box, they were shunned out of Reo’s life.

You weren’t like his previous partners, not in the slightest. For one, he’s with you because he loves you, and not because he’s bored. That’s a great place to start. 

“They’re assholes, that’s all there is to it. They don’t care about anything outside of their stupid company.” Reo’s words were as bitter as coffee. By this point, you weren’t sure if he was comforting you or himself. Perhaps a mix of both?

“If they don’t want me around… does that mean we’re gonna have to keep this a secret?” You looked at him curiously, wondering how this will work out without getting under his parent’s skin even more.

Reo grinned. “Who said we’ll have to keep this a secret?”

“By that… you mean…?”

“I mean… I think I’m gonna have to start bringing you around my place even more.”

His words stunned you. Just how would that help his situation? The boy stood there, grinning like an idiot, as if this was the best idea ever. 

“Think about it! If you were always around, they’d have no choice but to warm up to you. And if they even try to belittle you, then I'll-”

You cut him off. “Okay- I get it. You can calm down now.”

“My bad…”

His plan was irrational to no end. His parents were perfectly capable of cutting you out of Reo’s life if they really wanted to, even he knew that. But no matter what route he takes, risks will always be apparent. Of course, Reo wanted to take the route that’d corner his parents. Was he sure it’d work? Nope. 

But he was okay with taking chances to keep you a part of his life.

“You know I’m doing this because I love you, right?” Your ears perked up at this, already figuring that was the case to begin with. “I don’t want you to think I’m doing this just to piss off my parents.” He finished.

“Even if that was your reason, I still wouldn’t mind.” You stated. It baffled Reo, that you were so willing to go along with whatever you wanted. It reminded him...

“Have I ever told you?”

“Told me what?”

“I’ve had a lot of things in my life, but I think you’re the best of them all. Well- minus the fact that you’re a person, not a thing. But you get my point.” He affirmed with a wide, gentle grin. 

You pulled him in for a sweet kiss, which Reo gladly accepted. 

In that moment, Reo could only think of how much better you were than anyone else his parents would prefer.

He could kiss you back and feel sincere about it. And he could pull you closer not because it was what his body wanted, but because it was what he wanted.

You were the best thing that’s ever been Reo’s.

Well, minus Nagi. But you still came before him.

[cxtori]

Hi :3

Can u please do a jealous scenario with Kumatani? (^o^)

Thank u <3

I love your writing <3

Mitsuo Kumatani ✭ Not Jealous

wc: 1.5k

genre: fluff, jealousy, establish relationship

warnings: n/a, most definitely a little ooc Kuma here lmao

tori's note: I'm not gonna lie to you anon, I really struggled writing this. I just don't really see Kuma as the jealous type, so I didn't know what kind of situation to write lol. I hope he's not too OOC? I'm sorry babes, I did my best *cries* also, also SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME SO LONG LOOOOL

Kumatani always considered himself a typically calm and collected man. Someone who didn’t let things get under his skin easily. It wasn’t often that his emotions got the better of him, but when they did, it was usually because something (or someone) had pushed his buttons until they shattered.

The emotion he usually felt in such instances was annoyance, sometimes frustration and anger. But what he was feeling right now was a new one, and it was intense. 

“Wow, these trees look great, Y/n!” Eddy exclaims. Kumatani watches as the assistant director stands beside you, patting you on the shoulder. Kumatani feels his heart wrench when you nervously laugh out a ‘thank you’.

The bear suit he was so “blessed” to wear everyday didn’t have many perks. It was hot and stuffy, oftentimes itchy. It was hard to move in and it impaired his spatial awareness which, for him, was frustrating. 

But, a pro to the suit was it allowed his eyes and face to do whatever they pleased as it wouldn’t be seen by anyone else. He could roll his eyes and give annoyed expressions all he wanted without consequence. 

So, for moments like this, when he’s glaring holes into the back of Eddy’s head, he was thankful for it.

“They’re really not a big deal,” you say, brushing off the man’s compliment. You pick up a fake maple leaf and reattach it to a plastic tree branch, hoping it’ll stay in place this time. “They only took a couple hours, and they’re already falling apart.”

“Come on, give yourself some credit!” Eddy says, shoving his rejected compliment back in your face. “I couldn’t do anything like this, which is exactly why we hired you.” 

“Haha, right,” you say with a forced laugh. “Well I should get these onto the set  before Derekida shouts at me,” you say as you carefully pick up one of your mini maple trees, your hands squeezing the rough, faux bark. But, before you can walk away, Eddy begins to speak again.

“Oh, hey, I was uhh… Well, ummm… ” Eddy stutters and you feel your stomach drop. Oh no. You know that look as well as that nervous quiver in his voice. Before he even continues you already know where this is going. “I was planning on trying out that new restaurant tonight, would you wanna go? O-only if you’re not busy, that is...”

Just as you feared. You and Kumatani have only been dating for a few months, and you both preferred to keep your relationship quiet, so you can’t blame Eddy for not knowing. But seriously? Here? Now? In front of your boyfriend? You admired his courage but hated his timing.

“Oh, Eddy that’s nice but,” you start, trying to find a way to let him down kindly. You turn your head just enough to see Kumatani out of the corner of your eye. You turn back to Eddy, ready to break the news, and possibly his heart. “Umm, thing is-”

“We’re busy tonight,” Kumatani interjects, popping up beside you. 

“Aww, really?” Eddy says, a hint of confusion in his voice.

“Yes, really,” Kumatani says sternly, laying an arm gently over your shoulders, silently saying all that was needed. “Now, leave her alone.” You glance over at your boyfriend, even though you can’t see his face. 

Not many people can tell when Kumatani is getting ticked unless he purposefully shows it. You however, can tell by the slightest change in his tone. And based on the few words he’s just spoken, he’s not just ticked, he’s pissed.

Your eyebrows quirk and you question just why he was so mad. Eddy doesn’t know you’re dating, and it’s not like he’s pushed your boundaries. Kumatani seems to surprise himself with his words, his stoic shell cracking a bit.

“Oh, I see… s-sorry,” Eddy mutters. The director walks away without another word, partly out of respect, but mostly out of fear. He knew better than to make Kumatani mad.

You stand there in silence for a moment, tiny tree in hand and stuffy bear suit over your shoulder. 

“Thank you. But you know you didn’t have to do that. It was just Eddy,” you say with an awkward giggle. Mitsuo removes his arm from you and takes a small step back.

“Sorry. I don’t really know-”

“Y/n! We need those trees!” Derekida’s voice echoes through the studio, cutting Kumatani off and making you jump out of your skin. You groan, turning to pick up another one of the fake plants.

“Be right there!” You shout back, doing your best to hide the annoyance in your voice. Though it's not like Derekida hasn't heard it before. You turn back to your boyfriend, still interested in hearing what he has to say. “Hold that thought, ‘kay? I’ll meet you in your dressing room in a minute.”

Kumatani just nods as he watches you stumble to the filming set with your props. 

It doesn’t take you long to get the trees set up in preparation for Utano and Iketeru’s next performance. The moment you’re satisfied with how everything looks, you sprint to the dressing rooms before Derekida can notice you’re leaving.

You knock on the door before entering, finding Mitsuo standing in the room with his bear suit removed. Well, all but the mask. You stand there in silence for a moment as you stare at him, wondering why he’s bothered to take off everything except for the head.

“Whatcha doing?” You ask curiously. Your boyfriend remains unmoving, his arms cross over his chest.

“What do you mean?” He says casually, like he doesn’t expect you to question his choice of outfit. You roll your eyes with a small laugh before walking up to him and gently placing your hands on the bear head.

“Come on, I can’t take you seriously with that thing on,” you say and he doesn’t resist as you carefully pull the mask up and off of his head. You smile at the sight of his steely grey eyes, much better than the soulless black dots of a fake bear.

“Hi,” you say airily, leaning closer to him.

“Hi,” he says in return, his lips curving in a faint smile. You set his mask down on the table and sit on the edge beside it.

“So, wanna tell me what happened earlier?” You ask. Mitsuo’s eyes flash with a very brief moment of annoyance, and you just barely catch it.

“There’s nothing to tell. He tried to ask you out and I told him off,”

“Yes, but I think there’s a little more to it than that,” you push gently. “You seemed pretty upset.”

He just looks at you, not bothering to give even a small hum in response. But recalling the situation from just a bit ago was getting him irritated again.

He’s being ridiculous, he knows he is. He's not sure what set him off to begin with. People are allowed to compliment you, especially on things you’ve poured your time and effort into. But for some reason, seeing Eddy interact with you like that angered him.

He wasn’t about to tell you that though. That would mean admitting that his emotions got the better of him. And even though it is something that has happened before, he didn't like the feeling of losing control.

You watch him stand in his silence, replaying the situation in your head when it hits you.

“Are you jealous?” You ask bluntly.

 “Jealous?” Mitsuo repeats, caught off guard by your assumption.  “Of course not.” He looks away from you and crosses his arms back over his chest. He’s trying to look unperturbed, but you absentmindedly make the connection to a pouting child. He may have been annoyed, but he certainly wasn’t jealous.

 “Oh, you’re so jealous. This is hilarious.”

“I said I’m not jealous,” he says simply, but from the slight change in his tone of voice, you can tell he’s at least a little jealous, even if he doesn’t know it. You laugh softly and stand from the table, walking over and taking your boyfriend's hands in yours.

You look up at him sincerely, though his eyes avoid yours.

“Mitsuooo,” you coo. The man grunts in annoyance, wanting this conversation to be over so he can leave. He never thought he’d be given the choice to wear his bear suit or talk to you. And he certainly never thought he’d want to choose the former of the two. 

You raise a hand to his cheek, tenderly pulling him to face you, smiling brightly when his eyes finally meet yours.

“It’s okay if you are, I’m just teasing,” you say. You lean up to place a soft kiss to his lips and, while at first he doesn’t kiss back purely out of indignation, he soon melts into you, unable to resist your lips against his. You pull away, a satisfied look on your face.

“Are we good?” You ask, just inches away from his lips. 

“There wasn’t a problem with us to begin with,” Mitsuo states, a smirk, while absent on his face, audible in his tone.

“You know what I mean,” you say with a laugh. “Please don’t give Eddy a hard time. I love you and only you, okay? You don’t have to worry about anyone else.”

“Are you sure?” Mitsuo jokes.

“Shut up!” You say, giving your boyfriend a playful punch on the arm. He smiles as he grips your waist and leans down to kiss you, his warm lips molding perfectly against yours, warmth spreading through your body.

“I love only you too.”

©Cxtori 2024 please do not copy, plagiarize, repost or translate. reblogs appreciated

[your-ne1ghbor]

Hi ne1ghbor! (Can I call you that? Do you have a nickname?)

I love TKoRaT so far! I'm curious to see what other parallels our AUs have, it would be funyn sicne @oh-shtars and my AU are polar opposites

I have a drawing request! Could I see some Fallen Star characters in your style? Maybe interacting with TKoRaT characters? (Cielo would be super welcoming. Asha would probably be horrified that a princess she expected to also be haughty is... nice *shudder*)

TKoRaT Asha is to horrified of FS Asha and fucking died lmaooo

(She just was in shock that she sees another version of herself since this is her first time interacting with another version of herself lol)

They are talking about what they like about earth (wholesome)

uhh yeah, Fallen Star Asha sees some stars and abouta do some crippling damage out of them (not wholesome)

Also I wanna type out a convo with them since Im too tired to draw rn lol (11 pm hehe)

FS Asha: Why the hell are you soooooo niceeee? Like seriously-

TKoRaT Asha: Ummm...well I just wanna show the kindness Magnifico and Amaya showed me when they took me in you know?

FS Asha: Butttt its kind of funnnnnnn being a little bit mean to people you know?????

TKoRaT Asha: I gett....kind of scared talking to people???

FS Asha: SCARED??? WHY?! 😡

TKoRaT Asha: IDKKKKKK I JUST DO 💀

Meanwhile with the Star Hommies

TKoRaT Star: Wanna steal some weapons from Maggy?

FS Star: PFTTTT YOU CALL HIM MAGGY??

TKoRaT Star: ehhehe IT PISSES HIM OFF SO BAD ITS HONESTLY HALARIOUS!

RFTS Star: Wait, didn't you tell me that you are deathly afraid of him?

TKoRaT Star: NUH UH WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!?!??!?!?

FS Star: YOU DID HAHHAHAHHAHH

TKoRaT: 😡Anyways........RACE YOU THERE (casually transforms into a deer and blasts off)

FS Star: HEY NO FAIR, YOU GOT A HEAD START 😡(chases after him (idk if he transforms too))

Anyways hope you like them! Sorry if the designs aren't accurate from the OG 😭

And BTW, you can call me neighbor if you want too lol

(Edit: FIXED THE AU NAMES IM SO SORRY I GOT THE AUS MIxED UP HASGOABQSNHI)

[things-arent-what-they-seem66]

Hi! Original anon who sent in the message about lucifer chasing Adam during the extermination day.

I think Lucifer would be possessive and a yandera going after Adam. I have seen a lot of both of them being obsessed with one another, but in this Adam isn’t a yandera or ‘obsessed’ with Lucifer. He’s a little flattered and more like ‘why me?’

Ummm I never thought about Lilith and Eve. I just decided Adam didn’t fall with Lucifer. I think it was more of one sided love between them that later Adam actually secretly liked. There was probably drama in Eden between them and I guess Lilith and eve too, which might add onto Adam not ‘being in love’ with lucifer back then.

Oh maybe lucifer did try to take Adam to hell with him but failed due to sera’s interference.

I just thought a new twist and was kinda cute was Lucifer being manly - insanely in love with Adam, chases after him like a dog with a bone and poor Adam is cursing his existence.

Adam literally just wants to chill, relax, watch Netflix and eat pizza. But he is always dragged into Hells problems due to Lucifer ‘acting up’.

And yeah! Hello! It’s me again! The anon who sent in the other AUs (garden, blind and such) that you guys turned into huge books! Haha just trying something a little different. Maybe someday when I’m brave enough I’ll come off anon lol

Hello!

I think in this one Lucifer slept with the woman to get them away from Adam rather than to hurt Adam.

But that still happened.

So now Lucifer is trying everything on the book to win Adam over and the guy just wants to chill in the afterlife.

Poor Adam.

Maybe he does have feelings too but he ignores them because he thinks Lucifer just wants to fuck him to complete the set. People in heaven have made that joke and it pisses Adam off.

[sippywippy]

tf2 music headcannons

got the idea playing project diva with a mod adding tf2 models lol

also this is NOT serious dont be mad if i mischaracterize them or go against canon ir whatever yapayapa idgaf!!!!!!1!1!1!!!

scout

— DEF a vocaloid fan, his fav would be miku

— listens to artists like wowaka, reol, deco, samfree, DEF giga

— i think he would like romeo and cinderella ... a lot

— also i think he would listen to soundcloud rapper type music and hype them up in the comments on 7 different alt accounts

soldier

— america national anthem and other military songs 90%

— the other 10% is like. green day idk (i dont listen to green day)

pyro

— honestly i think they would also like vocaloid,, fav is probably rin

— mostly junky, daniwell, and would listen to ohayodel because that mv is 1million percent them

demoman

— liike sea shanties and medieval music idk

— oh my GOD korpiklaani.....a,,lcohol songs,,,

— ik they finnish but shhhh ...,,,ssh

engineer

— what do u think (texan country music)

— just for spice i think he'd like industrial stuff

heavy

— i think he would like,, slow songs most of the time ,, perhaps

— i have no examples dot dot dot

— if hes freaky he listens to sexy music (you knwo)

medic

— the only one i've made a (30min) playlist for dot dot dot

— ok!! loves scary bitches!! gay vampires yes!

— also probably likes pisse (only german artist i listen to) and like christian death maybe idk

— i think hed listen to podcasts he seems like anpodcast guy

— ummm also would listen to those top 10 creepy vocaloid songs

spy

— fench

— probably listens to that one stupid basic stereotypical spy song ion remember

— umm also listens to like . that one genre of fancy pants music thats also like soooo cunty i have NO idea whatnim thinking of

— could be a reach but i think hed like athamay !!

sniper

— proabbly liie sad emo rock i hav no idea huys

[ninebluehearts]

okay hear me out on this one- whiskey trying to get with a reader ( like flirting) but is just using all of this cringey pick up lines. Maybe for a little bit of extra stuff the reader and whiskey are already married and he’s just be flirty to mess with her. Does this make sense lol🥲🥲

Omg this is so cute!! It makes perfect sense baby

Ummm, this is a bit on the spicy side; nothing actually happens, but were gonna rate this M, so mdni.

-------------------------------------------------------

It was a Saturday night and Whiskey had insisted you went out for a date night. Both of you had been so wrapped up in your own work that you barely had time for each other anymore; other than the quick kisses in passing or the late-night phone sex when Whiskey was on a mission out of state..

So, even though you'd much prefer to stay in tonight, you just couldn't say no to his puppy dog eyes.

Whiskey had pulled you into a tight hug, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "You won't regret it, baby. We're gonna have so much fun. Promise. Now," Whiskey pulled away from you, a mischievous grin spread on his lips. "Go get yourself all pretty, sugar." He said as he reached behind you and landed a sharp smack against your ass.

You squealed, shoving his shoulder before rubbing your ass to soothe the stinging. "You're an asshole." You tried to hide your grin, storming past him and up the stairs to get ready.

"You know I just can't help it, sugar!" Whiskey hollered out in between chuckles.

-

But now here you are, laughing along with Whiskey at a nice bar, both of you pretty tipsy already.

Whiskey slammed back the last little bit of his drink, slamming the glass back down on the bar when he finished. "I've gotta take a piss. Grab me another, will ya, sugar?" He pressed a kiss against the side of your head before making his way back to the bathrooms.

You ordered another round of drinks, finishing the last of your own drink as you watched the bartender make you another apple martini. Once served your drinks, you laid your head against the bar, tracing your finger along the side of Whiskey's glass to draw small smiley faces on the condensation.

"My god. You have to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Whew." You sat up and spun your seat around to face your husband, who was standing behind you with a giant smirk planted on his face.

"What are you doing?" You asked, trying to somehow suppress the heat you felt in your cheeks.

"Tryin'a get your number, baby. I mean damn, are you an electrician? Because you’re definitely lighting up my night." Whiskey stepped into the space between your legs, his hands sliding up your thighs to slip his finger tips under your dress.

You rolled your eyes as your arms wrapped around his neck. "That was so bad. Tell me another." You said with a soft giggle, your lips ghosting over his.

"Hmmm, kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?"

"Do chickens count?" You teased, pressing your thighs against the sides of his legs.

"Nope." He breathed out, pressing his lips against yours with the passion you hadn't felt in what felt like forever. He gripped your hips to pull you flat against his body, wanting to feel you everywhere all at once. It felt like the Earth could be crumbling around you and yet, the only thing that mattered in that moment was him.

Once you finally pulled away to catch your breath, both of you still inches away from one another, you pressed your hand against Whiskey's cheek, soft pants escaping your lips. "I've missed you, Jack. So much.."

Whiskey brushed your hair behind your ear, his hand slipping back to cradle your cheek. "I've missed you too, sugar. We need to do this more often."

"Agreed." You tilted your head to the side, pressing a gentle kiss against his palm. "Take me home?" You asked, fluttering your eyelashes at him.

Whiskey grinned, "Actually, I was wondering if you had an extra heart."

Your eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. "Wha-"

"Because mine's just been stolen." He interrupted, chuckling at the way you rolled your eyes at yet another corny pick-up line.

"I'm done." You slipped away from him, pulling your wallet from your bag to close your tab.

Whiskey pressed his hand against your ass, content with just holding it for now.

"Be nice." You mumbled, side eyeing him.

"Don't worry, sugar, I will." He leaned down, his lips hovering over the shell of your ear. "I'll be real nice." He smirked as he watched chills run down your arms and legs, your cheeks heating up to that nice light pink shade he loved so much.

It was gonna be a long night, but you were both glad you finally had time to catch up.

Taglist: @emmymaehereeeeee

[woomeme-land]

Ummm uhhh lemme ramble about my dead children and teenagers thank you very much

For starters they all come from the same village with a heavy anti-monster sentiment. It's not EVERY village who has this sentiment, just that particular village. Also it has some cult mentality in there

Under cut lol

Carmine Schmidt/Chara Dreemurr

Hope

Born Oct 31

9 at fall, 12 at death

AMAB NB | They/Them

Was considered 'cursed' therefore outcasted and picked on a lot

Liliana would constantly talk with (TO) them, talking about the Bible and try and 'cure' Chara of their curse

It only pissed them off and made them hate religion

Sometimes hung out with Liliana, Brooklyn, Jacklyn, Shannon, and Damien (they hated that.)

Went to the mountain to disappear and fell

We all know what happens next

Good intentions, horrible execution of plan

Trust them buttercup poisoning is an awful way to go

'Humans are dangerous and awful and shouldn't be trusted.'

Liliana Hernandez Garcia

Perseverance

Born Dec 24

11-13 at death

Cis girl | She/They

Raised in Catholic household

Friends with Brooklyn, Jacklyn, Shannon (Lyric's mother) and Damien (Lyric's father). They also considered Chara a friend (it was not reciprocated)

Stood up for Shannon when she was being bullied

Saw Asriel carry Chara's body and went to Mount Ebott for answers like three days later girlie are you stupid

Did a Very Rude Pacifist (wanted answers, not get all buddy-buddy with 'demons')

Brutally killed by a Royal Guard in Waterfall

Their death is what prompted Tori to leave

Love thy neighbor until you're a monster then it's just Keep Yourself Safe

'Monsters are Ontologically Evil™ beasts' (doesn't actually know what ontologically evil means)

Brooklyn Jackson

Kindness

Born May 2

11-13 at death

AMAB NB | They/Them

Parents weren't all that great but their aunt and uncle were amazing

Pretty damn vegan

Was out of town the week Asriel came and Liliana went to Ebott so they were shocked to hear what happened

Went to Mount Ebott to collect herbs and try take their mind off of Liliana and Chara's disappearances

Did a Neutral (somebody (I mean somebodies) had to die)

Got heat stroke trying to outrun the Guard and died

Secretly agrees with Liliana's radical anti-monster sentiment (would never say it out loud)

Wants to forgive, forget and move on but finds it hard to

'Monsters... Are really something. (they're beasts).'

Jacklyn McBean

Bravery

Born Aug 18

12-14 at death

Gender means nothing to this bitch but They/She

Just appeared one day and never left

Orphan up until age 10 they were adapted by this widowed man

Behavioral problems that were temporarily dealt with

Joined Da Squad somewhere around 4-5???

Okay okay either they were sent up to Ebott by the leader to 'put the demons in their place' or just randomly went up there

Either way she was incredibly reckless and hostile

28 killed, 14 injured

Either a Merciless Neutral or Aborted Genocide

Either way they got humbled halfway through Waterfall and decided to lay low

Got to Hotland and fought the gaurds with little to no healing items

Dumbass

'Monsters suck n all but I ain't better dan dem.'

Amari Chandler

Patience

Born Jan 28

10-12 at death

Cis guy | He/They

MAMA'S BOYYYYYYYYYYY

Friends with Lyric and Clover (besties)

Wanted to be a swordfighta

Found Chara's locket and dagger in the Ruins (the annoying dog happened) and replaced the ribbon and toy knife with those

Didn't really trust Toriel but stuck around the Ruins for almost a week before homesickness came in

Tried to betrayal kill Toriel, obviously failed because she's still alive

Bit of prick energy

Can cry on demand

Any monster who approached got the betrayal kill treatment

Just pretend to be this weak lil kid that wants to be left alone, and strike when their guard is down

6+ betrayal kills

Anyone else who just wants to chat was spared

Got to Asgore

Asked to leave

Nope.jpg

'They're demons. That's all they gonna be to me.' (Doesn't actually believe this, does he?)

Michelle 'Lyric' Chapman-Roffe

Integrity

Born April 18

12-15 at death

AFAB Librafeminine | They/He/She

For some reason, people really hate their entire family

Inherited Ma's birthmark, which people considered a Devil's Mark

Her older brother have unspecified developmental disorders

~~lyric autistic???~~~

Anyways people really hated the family

Well, save for a select few

Amari and Clover were, and still are, his besties

Daddy's Kid

Was pretty distraught at Amari being declared missing and later declared dead

Met this old widow who happened to be a former ballet instructor that's still in touch with plenty of her students

Free/reduced cost private ballet lessons

Shit went downhill tho

Old widow dies, ballet instructor forced to move away, Amari going missing, people hating the fam more

Despite his family and Clover's best efforts, their mental well-being continued to deteriorate

Until it became too much.

He went to Ebott and saw the hole and purposely fell in

They just randomly blurted out their name was Lyric when they met Goat Ma and she stuck with it

Toriel was friendly, too friendly in Lyric's eyes. Probably planning on eating them.

Explored the Ruins, trying to learn more about the place, fell into a bunch of dirt and ashes that refused to come off.

Anyways they managed to find an exit and entered Snowdin

Uh oh.png

Some monsters managed to recognize Lyric as human and saw the ashes + dirt that looked too similar to monster dust and assumed he killed someone because the results and pain of Jacklyn and Amari's actions were still fresh

Lyric tried to explain but it fell on deaf ears

Eventually one of them blurts out the whole 'Get seven human souls to shatter the barrier and destroy humanity' thing

That sets them off.

If treating these demons the way she wants to be treated isn't working, then he'll have to treat them as they treat her.

As enemies.

6 of them were killed, seven injured, the other three retreated.

The ruckus brought in a couple witnesses tho

All they saw was a human attacking a bunch of 'innocent' monsters and sounded the alarm

Couple minutes and tons of walking later Lyric eventually breaks down into tears, homesick, stressed, injured, mourning the loss of one of their dearest friends, the sort.

Dalv heard the crying and... Due to the fuckin snowstorm (and that he's bit of a dummy dum dum (affectionate)) couldn't make her out to be human

So he slowly approaches, using his magic to try and console them

It only triggers their fight or flight response and they chose fight

Kicks him in the vampballs

Goes on a tearful rant on how all monsters are the same

Dalv realizes that this is a stressed out child and not some mindless killing machine and tries to talk them down

Lyric isn't fucking having it and prepares to attack again (most likely because he's assuming Dalv is just trying to trick them)

Kanako jumps in, tries to deescalate the situation

Lyric realizes that they attacked an innocent person, in front of a child no less.

Gives the two some cinnamon bunnies, apologizes, heads out

We all know what happens next

haha they didn't die instantly to axis

Took a bit

Dalv had the misfortune of witnessing it

Yada yada yada chujin was a fuckin idiot bla bla bla Ceroba fucks up, ye ye ye soul released

'I'm not a big fan of monsters. At all.'

Alexander 'Clover' Armstrong

Justice

Born Feb 25

9-11 at death

AMAB Demigender | They/She/He

Has elements from UTY but with some deviations

First of all her parents weren't comically abusive but were horrible for each other and thus were horrible for them

Also lived in a worn down home on the outskirts

Had an older half sister Alexandra, or Ivy (Totally not from Undertale Ivy's Justice no) that went missing one day (not on Mount Ebott mind you)

Ma n pa stopped talking about her like she never existed

Anyway both parents were trying to turn Clover against each other

And they almost grew up too fast

Met Lyric and Amari and instantly got attached

The Chandlers and the Chapman-Roffes were more like family to him

Cowboy obsession

Fake southern accent

Amari went missing, they cried. Lyric went missing, they cried.

Where were they?

Are they ever gonna come back?

Where did they go?

To Mount Ebott.

So did several others.

Clover got tired of waiting and set off

First deviation is that they're more dead set on their mission and don't stay with Tori... That often.

Sometimes they found the Echo Flower containing Lyric's last words

Sometimes it's bits of their body rotting somewhere (don't ask)

Waterfall was the farthest they got before The Fuckin Flower intervened.

Classic UTY shit

Then the Petalled Bastard told Clover that Asgore has dat soul collection goin

They're pissed off because that must include the souls of their BEST FRIENDS!!!

You'd think that she'd go full Vengeance at that point but...

He surprisingly doesn't.

Most of the UTY shit happens but when she spared Ceroba, she said she's going to the damn castle anyway.

The gang try to talk him outta it but Gunhat serious as all hell

Ain't no way Asgore finna get away with killing (or ordering the killing of) their besties

Over their dead body.

Oh yeah clover fuckin dies to the GOAT

Martlet asks Asgore for Clover's gun n hat and Asgore obliges

The funeral happens

'Well Ah'll say, them monsters are a colorful bunch. Still really hate Asgore though.'

Freya 'Frisk' Sanders

Willpower, Determination, whatever

Born Nov 7

7-9 throughout the whole thing

AFAB Neutrois | Doesn't care about pronouns they mean nothing to Frisk

Actually scared of everything that's going on

That bored expression is just a front they're scared and wanna go home

Sans talking about how great of a job he did protecting them... most likely sarcasm, right?

Then he basically threatened them... And brushed it off as a joke.

What the fu-

Anyways they did an Extermination Route next reset because they're mad... Up until Papyrus which they spared. Still killed Undyne and a ton of others tho

Snas judgement, Asgore fight, Flowey absorbs the souls, reset.

Frisk figured that mass homicide wasn't a good idea and does True Pacifist

I got places to go -> I want absolutely nothing to do with... A lot of you. Some of you are fine.

Remember kids mass homicide doesn't solve shit

Sorry about making most of them racist I got this idea from a bloke from reddit and I liked it

[piillow]

xdinary heroes as your younger sibling

(7-8 year age gap)

wc : ??? | genre : short imagines, silly stuff really | a/n : NO i did NOT take things me and my very much older sibling do irl and assigned them to xdh members NOOOO...

(∩^o^)⊃━☆

GUNIL 건일

he'll pretend to not care about you when you're both at home

but will praise you like his life depended on it if he was talking to his friends or at school

SO SWEETTTT i could cry

gives you silly gifts for your birthday so he can see you smile :')

especially if you've been out of it for a while

moving out for college.......

he's definitely gonna shed a few tears on the car ride home

i can picture it tbh

LOVES when you play videogames with him too

and if he sleeps in your room overnight he'll call them "sleepovers" LMAOO

he'd be so cute omfg

JUNGSU 정수

will cling to you 24/7. oh my goodness he's like the most adorable leech you've ever seen

at home? probably sitting next to you. in public? holding your hand and swinging your arms.

so cute tho like cmon 😭

he would also defo ask you to help him with his homework

"you're gonna teach it to me better :(" WHAT IF I CRIED

omg GRADUATIONS?

he's gonna scream his whole lungs out when your name is called, and will not gaf if anyone stares at him

AND WILL SPRINT TO YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE THE CEREMONY (and cling to you while probably crying LMAO)

oh he'd also pretend to out you to your parents but... your parents aren't actually gonna yell at you

they're gonna pretend to, but they don't mean anything lol

GAON 가온

LMAOO he's gonna take one look at your [whatever highschool level subject] homework and say

"oh! let me help you!" in the CUTEST voice ever 😭

but then he'll actually look at it and say "ummm this is too hard... nevermind... sorry.. :(" queue my sobs

BUT he will beg you to help him with his homework LMAOO

... then you end up doing all of it for him (。_。)

anyways, you got a school event? sports game/competition? musical performance?

he'll be there! every single one.

and will also cheer for you the loudest :)

ohhh and also if your parents aren't home and it's almost your dinner time he will set the table and wait for you to come eat with him

what if i cry in a hole 😭

ODE 오드

the most adorable leech you've ever seen number two

also yaps about you to his friends a lot LMAOO

literally about almost anything you do

"omg guys guess what y/n got a 100 on their test!" "... okay?"

will lowkey (high key) get defensive if someone starts saying something barely negative about you

he can also not talk to you at home

like... he can't go a few hours without doing it

he'll talk to you about his day at school, practices, etc. and give you every little detail he remembers

and when he gets a phone, he'll spam you texts when he's free and hope you reply

but like... who wouldn't tho?

he also buys lots of things that remind him of you, and eventually a tattoo when he's older (like how he did with his family <3)

JUNHAN 준한

likes spending time with you a lot, even if you two aren't talking to each other

just working on your homework with him there is nice for the both of you

a very comforting silence :)

LMAO he also will sometimes hide from you when you come home so you have to play hide and seek with him

... and then you two will end up playing it outside for like two hours

omg NOOO if you get sick he will be so sad :(

"y/n... who will i play hide and seek with now?" OHHH MY GOD 😭

and if you're crying for whatever reason...

he'll feel his heart break a little too :(

(why did i end this one so sadly im so sorry??)

JOOYEON 주연

teasing MACHINE 9000 oh my god

will tease you for everything you do

you dropped your hairbrush?

"HAHAHAAA y/n remember that one time you dropped your hairbrush"

yeah... that.

he'll also bang on the bathroom door if you take too long

"Y/NNNN HURRY UPPP I NEED TO BRUSH MY TEETH" 😭

spam texter number two, except his goal is to piss you off

if you send him a dry af response he will know because he'll hear your attitude through the screen

but if he's out with friends he'll send you random pictures of things that remind him of you

(and he'll keep them in a folder in his camera roll <3)

send requests........ please....... rules are here!

[lovefrombegonia]

I WAS PISSED OFF ON AN AOT TWITTER TAKE AND I STARTED RAGE RAMBLING LOL

I disrespect this opinion and throw it into the most stinky, wet trash can I could find.

STOP SAYING HANGE COMMITTED SUICIDE. OMG what they did wasn't suicide. They fought until their very last breath to give their team enough time. They tried to stay alive as long as they can and FIGHT, even when burning alive. They died a martyr. I know in the end, it's just wording but it still irks me to see people say this about Hange's last stand! Also, Hange is non-binary. Use they/them for the character even though I know in the anime, from what I could remember, they were considered a woman (?) I am not sure tho. It's been a while.

Levi's presence in the rumbling arc was unnecessary??? Did we watch the same episodes?? Read the same story?? Some people think the only way a character contributes to the battlefield is by fighting and fighting alone. Mind you, Levi kept the whole team going with his quick wits, presence of mind, and rapid and firm decision making. He kept the team alive. He basically became the "commander" of SC for the battle of heaven and earth. And mind you, HE DID DO THE BATTLING TOO DESPITE BEING HALF DEAD AND LOOKING LIKE A SMASHED PUMPKIN (a cute pumpkin tho).

We see a whole different side of Levi who isn't just a war machine. We saw how he used his mind on the field to still be a huge threat to the enemy. Erwin didn't go crazy after him just because he is only the muscle. Levi is a whole package. And yes, he isn't the ✨ main character ✨ and that's because he IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE. That's what the og trio is there for. AoT is mostly the story of Eren, Armin and Mikasa. Levi is a side character who could have been a generic badass edgy cool anime character. But he became so much more, while still staying relevant to the larger narratives without hogging the limelight from the main characters. He has really good writing behind him. And that remained consistent imo. Yes. Even during the rumbling arc. He was basically maimed and injured, looking like a pretty Frankenstein monster twink ass and they kept how being a pretty Frankenstein monster twink ass hindered his physical ability. And he compensated for that through his leadership skills.

Like, come on, I get disliking Levi (even though I will question your taste). But saying his entire presence was useless...ummm I would have to disagree with you. With full offense.

[louisisalarrie]

Do you think the fans in Spain actually were tipped off by his team what time he arrives so they could give him presents for f? Like they were talking about these presents for several weeks already and sure his social team knew about it. He didn’t look amused about the basket but still was polite and hyper focused on a ball instead of the T-shirts

Yeah he def didn’t seem amused hahaha. Ummm and yeah, I could see that happening, particular after the Euros articles and pic of larry together. And as far as I’m aware, that basket has been ages in the making. So no doubt L’s team came across those posts because I did see them tag Louis etc. a couple of times. So, it’s certainly convenient to get a photo op of a bbg basket at the airport alone, but he didn’t seem interested in the slightest. I’d actualy be kinda pissed if I was one of those fans lol, but what do you expect him to do? Gush over a basket full of stuff for his “kid” that you spent hard earned money on and pretend like it means the world to him? Nope. As I said before, I’ve only had 2 major artists want their fan gifts posted to them, and even then they went to their assistant’s house. It’s a waste of money, and in this economy, save it for yourself. You bought his tickets, you bought his merch… you don’t need to buy him stuff because it’s just a waste. Even if that kid was his, it’s a waste.

Anyway, PR have done that and choose to do that for mainly fan service, so it wouldn’t really surprise me all that much. Personally, I think it’s a gentle fandom only reminder of a stunt and better than louis parading with that kid or a gf in public, so I just roll my eyes at it. But shit people need to stop giving the man gifts.

[thelonesomequeen]

I’ve heard some people say that the monologue was SOOOO out of character for Johnny Storm. Ummm, did we all not watch the SAME Johnny storm? lol the womanizing, naked, hot tub sex motocross and racing lover Johnny storm? The only reason he wasn’t potty mouthed in those movies is because of ratings. lol. That was ABSOLUTELY the same Johnny Storm. What that WASNT was Steve Rogers, which it seems like a lot of people think is what every one of his characters (and his own personality) should be like.

I loved it and it really felt like Johnny again.

It was an older and deservedly pissed off Johnny Storm. Of course he's not the same person from 2005 lol 🧜🏻‍♀️

[eventinelysplayground]

Entry three for @lorei-writes and @wordycheeseblob Wish Upon an Aide challenge. I have been having too much fun with these and have two more that are half done that I may or may not get done in time. This was inspired by the events at the end of Comtes chapter 9 and I used the red prompt love and the yellow one friendship. Language note for this fic: near the end Cat(Lumière) says Mais sacrifice which it's literal translation is but sacrifice however in Canadian french this is a swear with emphasis. The closest in English would be like oh FFS or uggh stupid SOB. Basically used when something/someone dumb and or annoying has aggrevated/pissed us off lol. Time consults his friends on what to do about Comte. Pure fun, WC approx 1045.

A Plan

It was a quiet afternoon as three friends sat talking in a dusty cellar.

I wish he would just tell her already.

Uh huh.

I mean he’s clearly in love with her and he's doing nothing about it at all! If he doesn't do something about it soon he's going to miss his chance.

Uh huh.

I mean there are ten other men in this house right? And between the Italian and the other two. Especially what's his name, the more obnoxious one!

Uh huh.

Arthur.

Arthur, that's it! I mean Arthur has no self control and is just a disaster waiting to happen.

Uh huh.

I don't understand why humans-

Vampires.

Ugh I don't understand why vampires have to be so guarded and flippant.

Uh huh.

Time turned to look at Harry who given the way he was replying was clearly off in his own little world again.

And the mansion is on fire.

Uh huh.

Oh for the love of, HARRY!

Time tossed a cork at Harry hitting him on the nose and startling him.

Oh Time, I'm sorry but ummm what were we talking about? I was thinking about-

Apples?

Eeep!

Harry let out a small sound of distress. He tilted his head up towards the voice and saw Cat sprawled out along a shelf.

Don't scare me like that! How long have you been up there anyways Cat?

Since before you both came in. I've even spoken before now, and also that's not my name.

Right, sorry about that.

Why apologize to him, Cat is what the Italian calls him so that's what his new name is. Not exactly a creative name or anything bu-

Ya because Time is sooo unique et spécial.

Écote toi-

That's enough!

Harry let out a loud chatter stepping into Time and Cat’s line of sight of each other.

Let's focus on the problem of ummm….

Cat rolled his eyes and Time sighed.

The problem of Comte being in love with that girl and doing nothing about it!

Right, okay well then umm…

Time sat patiently waiting for Harry to pull his thoughts together.

Well what's been done so far?

Well they spend an awful lot of time together, and the girl has made some small efforts but she seems confused, like she can't make up her mind.

She's perfect for him then!

Arrête ça.

Harry gave Cat a stern look. Cat let out a tiny meow and stretched out his front paws plopping his head down onto them before Harry turned his attention back to time.

Now then if they're already spending a lot of time together that's a good start. Let's see…

Does Comte even realize he loves this woman?

Well of course he does he's not…

Both Harry and Cat were giving Time a look and he stopped talking. He hated to admit it but perhaps they had a point.

I mean he has to know, doesn't he?

Not necessarily, he may be mistaking his feelings for something else..

That's a nice way of saying he's lying to himself.

Time tilted his head to the side in thought.

Why didn't I think of that before?

Harry shot Cat a look that clearly told him to keep his mouth shut.

Never mind about that right now, what we need to do in that case is make it clear to him what he's feeling.

Cat & Time both looked at Harry incredulously.

What? It's the truth.

Just how am I supposed to do that?

Well I…ummm…maybe you….I don't know. Surely the three of us can think of something though.

I don't remember volunteering to help.

You're here so you're helping, now think.

Time and Harry wore serious expressions on their faces while they tried to come up with any sort of idea. The three sat for a long time together, Time and Harry occasionally beginning a thought but then trailing off after apparently internally deciding it wouldn't work.

Sorry Time I really can't think of anything.

It's okay Harry I appreciate you trying to help me, maybe I'll just sneak out to the kennels later and ask Vic or King if they have any ideas.

Oh yes, asking those mutts will be soo helpful! All they care about is chasing their own.. Mais c'est ça!

Cat stretched and then jumped down from the shelf, coming to sit in front of a confused looking Time and Harry.

It’s almost too simple. All you need to do is get Comte to ‘chase’ her.

What?

Time and Harry spoke in unison and Cat tapped his paw on the ground in front of them.

You get him to ‘chase’ her. Put them in a situation together where lying to himself or not he realizes he could lose something valuable to him and so he can't help but go after it. In this place that should be simple enough non?

Oh I see! Thanks Cat I think I know just what to do now.

Ummm Time…

Harry started calling out to Time but it was too late as he had already scurried away.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Pour quois?

Didn't it seem like Time caught on to that way too quickly?

You worry too much.

Three days had passed since the conversation in the cellar and Cat was sleeping peacefully under a table in the hallway when he heard a sudden commotion.

“Squeak squeak!”

“Over there!”

“Time!”

“Squeak!”

“Ah no! I almost had him!”

Cat stretched out his paws and peered out from under the table.

Qu'est que passe?

Oh nothing really, just Time doing what you told him to do.

Cat startled slightly at Harry's unexpected presence.

What do you mean what-

At that moment Cat saw Time scurry past him with a pocket watch in his mouth.

“Time!”

“Squeak!”

“No matter how much you run, we will catch you eventually.”

Time, followed by Comte and Mitsuki disappeared around a corner.

Mais sacrifice!

I told you he caught on to that way too quickly.

I know…but maybe this could still work.

Harry tilted his head in thought for a moment then turned to look at Cat.

Hey, wanna follow them and see who wins?

Cat’s lips turned up in a smile.

Allons-y mon ami!

Harry smiled back at Cat before they both took off in a mad dash to see if Time could really make Comte realize just how deeply in love he had fallen.

[monstrousproductions]

I would listen to a audio drama about "your boy jonah" but also, tell me about your boy! Here is a free space to ramble. Please info-dump.

Free space to ramble?! Don't mind if I do!

So, in case anyone is unfamiliar with the story of Jonah, it begins with Jonah minding his business and suddenly being called upon by God to go to Ninevah [the capital city of the Assyrian empire] to call them out for their sins. Instead, Jonah seals his place in my heart by running away from God.

I just find it so immediately endearing that his reaction to being given a divinely ordained job to do is to absolutely nope the fuck out and run for the hills. It's not just hilarious, but it also feels so honest? Like yeah sometimes we know rightly what we're supposed to do, either because of the leading of the spirit or because of our own morals, and sometimes it's fucking terrifying!!

So he runs away, he gets on a boat to sail off to Far Off Lands (poss. southern Turkey) and obviously... God knows. Because it's God. You can't just duck behind a tree and suddenly God forgets you're there lol And God is big mad and sends a storm that threatens to break the ship into matchsticks. The sailors are terrified - I imagine them as these hardened sea-faring men who are used to all sorts of things, and this storm is so fierce they're absolutely terrified.

And Jonah... is fast asleep. Conked the fuck out on one of the lower decks, like he isn't moments from being smithereened. Running away from God is a tiring business, I guess! Also, as a chronic procastinapper, I can't help feeling like he just felt like he had too much on his plate and decided napping is way less scary that That Whole Mess.

So the captain drags him up and demands that he pray to his god because clearly the gods of the sailors are not paying attention lol But they also want to know where the storm came from and why, so they draw lots to see who's to blame? And of course Jonah draws the short straw.

And then this bit I imagine Jonah being super sheepish about OK. Because in this era and place, it was quite normal to accept that other people's gods were real and powerful, but they just weren't your gods. But different gods have different areas of power, so the sailors ask Jonah who his god is. And very grudgingly, Jonah admits that ummm yeah ok so actually his god is... the one who created the sea and the land.

And I imagine there's this moment of absolute silence as these sailors take in the fact that this guy has pissed his god off and who's his god again? Oh yeah, only the one who MADE THE OCEAN which is currently trying to KILL THEM.

"So they picked up Jonah and hurled him into the sea."

But Jonah doesn't drown! God sends a fish to swallow him up, and he sits in the fish for three days and prays while he's in there, because actually all things considered it was pretty neat of God to send a fish to swallow him instead of letting him drown and he's like "I think maybe I have got close enough to death and I would like to stop having an adventure now and go back to being all the way alive."

Which is very cool having his time in the fish being this sort of pseudo-death? Like he was getting a little taste of it. And he even talks about it as being in Sheol, and being out of sight of God and longing to be alive and back where God can see him.

So God tells the fish to vomit him up and tells Jonah again to go to Ninevah, which this time he does! It's a huge city, it takes three days to walk across it, but Jonah made a promise and he sticks to it. He walks and talks and the city repents and God relents from whatever punishment he was going to send.

Which, in a turn that never fails to touch my heart, makes Jonah... absolutely fucking livid. He is so mad about this decision. He's like, "I fucking knew it!! I knew you weren't going to smite these fuckers!" and God is like ??? excuuuuse me ???

And Jonah - I love him so much - he storms off, he stomps out of Ninevah and builds himself a little hu and he sits in his hut and he stares at the city, wishing hellfire and damnation on everyone in it, and sulking like nobody on earth. He is raging and I love it.

But it's the fucking Assyrian desert, it's hot as balls and even in his wee hut, Jonah's got the sun beating down on him. And God makes this plant grow next to him for shade, which Jonah is pretty pleased about - until the next morning, God sends a worm that attacks the plant and kills it. And also throws in some scorching winds and fiery sun for good measure.

And Jonah's lying there about to pass out and he's like, "I would literally rather be fucking dead" and then we get my favourite exchange in the whole Bible:

But God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?”

“It is,” he said. “And I’m so angry I wish I were dead.”

I just love it!! He's having none of it! He is furious and he is feeling more righteous and miserable than any angsty teenager ever could and he's telling God straight out, "You have pissed me off like nobody has ever pissed anyone off before" and I love him so much!!

And God points out that he's that angry about the plant dying, which he didn't even grow or tend to, but somehow it's not fair for God to not be particularly keen on destroying an entire megatropolis full of people and animals who by the way God is responsible for and cares for? Double standards much? And the book ends! It's made its point and off it fucks.

Also there's a bit at the end there where it describes the thousands and thousands of people in Ninevah as "not knowing which is their left hand and which is their right" which I assume is a metaphor for not knowing right from wrong but which I also just love as such a read. Like, "Really? You expect me not to look after these people? Look at them. They're morons, Jonah. They're the kind of morons who would think, oh, I don't know, that they could hide from God in a boat."

I just love how angry Jonah is, and how afraid, and how human! And I love that he has this sassy back and forth with God and that he gets angry at God and argues and has to get put in a fish for a time out. It feels like such a close, bickering sort of relationship and I think the world would be a better place if more people felt like they could look God in the eye and say, "YES! I AM ANGRY!! I AM SO ANGRY I COULD DIE!!!"