#ughh i hate that woman with a passion

[wings-of-flying]

reason i won't ever be coming out to my nana: she thought my dad was left-handed when he was younger and tried to train him out of it. he wasn't even left-handed.

[angelbluediary]

1. First of all, almost an entire week to continue a conversation HE initiated about an Instagram story that was up for a day. And in all that time was online CONSTANTLY and carrying on as usual with other people. I have no idea why he put me on hold for this random debate he started but with the way he talks down to me in general, left a bad taste in my mouth.

This is how I get talked to in response to saying we all deserve to feel comfortable in our bodies and be happy.

…

I did not answer that last fucking question and honestly, in that moment he reminded me SO much of the worst kind of men I experienced during online SW when I was down on my luck.

I’d already gotten similar vibes from his earlier message that was like “wow I had no idea you were so passionate about this” while pumping me for more info on my personal beliefs surrounding sexual health and laws that seek to restrict them. And giving so little in return until I asked him to elaborate on his own thoughts and why he’s asking me all this (because why would you not just share those things naturally in an equal conversation?)

- - -

Also, here are some of my responses. I didn’t like that it felt like he was pushing against my beliefs because I’m a “selfish white woman” or whatever fuckshit view he has of me. Maybe he thinks I’m gross or stupid I don’t know, but what I wanted to convey is that while he’s reading old texts and getting lost in philosophy and laws of thought, I’m getting real-world knowledge of the thing we’re debating and directly interacting with minority groups and people who are discriminated against and learning the struggles and language of those people first hand and UGHH I HATE THAT TALKING TO THAT GUY IS EVEN SENDING ME SO DEEP INTO ALL THIS BS. It’s not a fucking competition!!!!!!! God forbid we just live and look for things that uplift us and make life feel more bearable and try to be kind to others FUCK YOU for making that feel like some silly unworthy goal that deserves to be analyzed to dust!!! Fuck!!!!!!!! I hate energy vampires. I hate pretentious ass jerkwads!

… anyway the responses.

And now I wish so badly he’d start up again and with something close to the white woman slant-insult so I could appropriately give my nice “leave me alone” message.

[themultifandomgal]

Shelby Clan (Platonic)- Secrets Pt 2

After arriving into the room and Grace shuts the door I start to get nervous as I sit down

"Ok YN I need you to be honest here. Is James hurting you?" Grace asks hands on hips, I feel as though I'm being scolded

"What? no" I shake my head but Grace raises a brow

"Show me your wrist"

"Seriously Grace nothings going on"

"YN I saw a bruise on there the first day I met you"

"You did?" Esme asks worriedly "YN if he is hurting you we can help, he can't go into business with the Shelby's, if they found out what he had done and you hadn't said anything then..."

"They would cut me? yeah hence why I can't say anything"

"So he is hurting you?" Grace now crosses her arms

"No you just... ughh"

"I heard from Lizzie that victims of abuse won't say anything in fear that they will get it worse"

"Abuse? no, he's just... passionate"

"Look Tommy and the others won't hurt you, they will protect you. I know it's hard to imagine, Birmingham's feared Peaky Blinders hate woman beaters, but it's true" Polly now speaks. There's no point in arguing with these woman, they're all stubborn and I know they know. Being a stupid weak person I break down into tears

"Oh YN" Esme puts an arm around me

"How long has it been going on for?" Grace asks sitting next to me

"Things were fine when we first starting to see each other, then after about a year it started as little things like telling me I looked weird in a dress or it was to short. It got physical after we got engaged" I look down at the ring

"Poll tell them not to sign any deals" Grace looks up at Polly

"No don't! he will kill me if I mess this up for him" Polly ignores me and opens up the door "Polly stop please" I get up and run out after her then stop realising everyone is now looking at my tear stained face

"Tommy don't you dare go into business with this man. He's been abusing his poor fiancé since they've been together" Tommy looks a mixture of shocked and angry

"John, Arthur deal with him"

"You can't be serious? she's bloody lying for fucks sake"

"Do bruises lie?" Polly crosses her arms

"Shes done them to herself"

"Arthur John"

"Oh come on. Your going to believe the whore?" John and Arthur drag him out of the pub with him yelling

"Room now" anger still laced into Tommy's voice. Defeated I turn around and walk back into the room.

When the door closes I expect it to be just Tommy and I and that I was gonna get a beating, but to my surprise Polly, Grace, Esme and Pollys son Michael are all in the room. It was Michael to make the first move towards me, making me flinch as he goes to take my wrist

"Hey it's ok. I just want to look" he gently says. I look at Grace who nods her head. I let Michael take my wrist in his hands. He pulls my sleeve up to see the fading bruise "this one should be gone in a day or 2. Which is the most recent?" Michael looks at me with soft eyes

"M-my cheek"

"Ok let's take that makeup off and take a look eh?" Tommy says and I nod my head. Polly goes to get a wet rag. When she returns I gently take off the makeup covering the bruise

"Bloody hell" Esme gasps "no wonder you had bright red cheeks today. What the fuck has he been doing to you?"

"This one will take some time. A couple of week potentially" Micheal holds my face in his hands as gently as he can. The door opens making me jump

"Fucking hell" Arthur yells looking at my face. Tears begin to fall down my face

"Right, YN your staying with Polly and Michael tonight. Tomorrow we will figure something out, but your not going back to him"

"Not that she can" John mutters

"No one has to know what he was doing if you don't want them. This can stay in here, he's gone now, for good"

"Why did you do this for me? why are all of you being so nice to me? I've been here a week that's all"

"Time doesn't matter. All that matters is that your now safe love" Polly puts an arm around my shoulder smiling at me.

Months have gone by and the Shelby's have basically adopted me as one of them. I now help out with paperwork at the betting shop, the brothers insisting though I only deal with legal stuff, but that's fine. They have quickly all become my closest friends.

[adonis-koo]

OMG MISSY, QUEEN👏🏼❤️ This chapter was AMAZING, you’re AMAZING ❤️❤️ ahhh I’m screaming! Everything was perfect & the MC is such a BOSS👏🏼👑 her & Jungkook are so cute🥹❤️ the smut scenes were 🥵🥵🥵 & ooof, he is gonna miss her a lot & if there is smut in the next chapter, I have a feeling it’s going to be passionate filled with want, desire & a bunch of “I miss you’s” since she was like “you & me? we’re done.” Oooof the shock & ughh Tae, please don’t hate MC😭 ahhh Jungkook, get your woman!!!🙏🏼😭

!!! Thank you so much my dear!!! 🖤🖤🫶🫶 I don’t know if there will be smut in the next chapter but we definitely won’t be going too long without it and HONESTLY whenever it happens??? I’m SO EXCITED for it because you are right, it’s gonna be a passionate, intense scene that just has me!! 🤌🤌🤌 I can’t tell you how good it’s gonna be (and maybe a little concerning tbh given the context it happens under)

🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ Jungkook next chapter after mc broke up with him 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️

[whatiwillsay]

i find it so funny because my brother isn’t even a swiftie he’s like a swiftie lite but when i told him about grammygate he absolutely hates joe alwyn with a burning passion 😂 he’s always like “ughh he’s literally just some guy riding on her talent”

i used to like joe the best out of any of the guys. didn’t stan him or anything because i’m not here for the guys but i thought he was sweet and appreciated that he never spoke because he seemed to at least be aware no one wanted to hear anything from him anyway. but after grammygate it’s just like ugh what a worthless cishet white man literally just coasting into one of the most sought after awards in all of music after practically bragging he had no musical talent. it’s just the epitome of mediocrity being awarded. ugh. anyway now i do not think anything of him at all accept oh look another mediocre white man standing on the shoulders of an extraordinary woman to take something he doesn’t deserve. hurl. taylor i think less of too at least some after all this but at least she’s still one of the most talented lyricists to ever live.

[horrorslashergirl]

Jax Roman

He's 6'8

41

Male

Dominate

Kills usually by means of torture, he has a underground dungeon where he brings his victims. It's like a red room with different tools lining the walls.

He usually goes after men off the streets, finding their shrill screams amusing.

His personality is under construction but he's probably gonna be a cocky asshole

(( he has bright green eyes and a little lower than shoulder length blone hair, his has a scar over his left eye and a couple piercing. His favorite is his tongue piercing. His very muscular but still more lean, he has scars all over his body as well.))

-His wife will come next-

Richard Firewood

Richard can appreciate someone with a steak for torture, but he does it more for money purpose and to indulge into his surgeon passion. I think Richard would be neutral towards Jax, like.... If he doesn't bother Richard, they are on neutral grounds.

Richard: He better not bother me. I am a busy man and money makes the world go around.

Jackson Jasper

Another man who kills for fun purpose too, Jackson would probably be on good terms with Jax, like talking over torture methods over some good whiskey.

Jackson: Seems like a cool guy. Maybe have a chat of torture over a glass of whiskey.

Bambi Miller

She may find him interesting but she won't act submissive. She is a fierce woman and loves a challenge. Also... Piercings? She got one on her belly button and much lower.

Bambi: Sugar Jaw seems interesting... Maybe we can have a conversation over a bottle of tequila.

The Hacker

I hear torture buddies bells ringing. Torture is Hackers middle names and he has quite an imagination. He might get along with Jax just great, but he better not get too cocky with the Hacker because he is the big shit around here into torture games. Respect is gonna be a must if they gonna be friends.

The Hacker: Torture ya say? I can appreciate maiming a body but the cocksucker better know I am the big shit at torture.

Dave Anthony

Ohhh... Torture you say? Dave is gonna show torture to Jax... On his own skin. This dangerous and evil poltergeist will sure maim Jax all for fun and bask into seeing this so called Dom be a pile of flesh and bones.

Dave: He calls himself dominating? *laughs diabolically*

Azol

Another evil entity who will sure have the ultimate amusment into hunting Jax each moment of day and night. He is gonna take great pleasure into destroying Jax mind.

Azol: If he is a dominant person then I am a motherfucking priest that sucked the Devils cock. *smirks* He looks like a sloppy cumfilled cunt.

Samuel Grayson

Cocky and arrogant? That's enough to say for Samuel to turn Jax into a raw steak for the hellhounds on his back. Jax aura would make Samuel really displeased and if he tries to get to close to him... Well? I really hope Jax wouldn’t mind having his arms chewed off.

Samuel: *scowls* He smells disgusting. His aura hurts the nose of my hellhounds.

Azment

Another evil entity but with a passion for pure carnal desires. She can appreciate a Dom like Jax and she might.. More than likely, take him to her Master Bedroom.

Azment: *smirks lewdly* Ohhh he seems like a fun boy.... Maybe we can have a small chit-chat between the bedsheets.

Gerome Montana and Axel Friedrich

I think these two would be on neutral grounds with Jax, as long as he doesn't get to handsy... Because I am sure Jax wouldn’t like to be stabbed in the knee or shot into his ankels.

Gerome: He seems like a fun dude... But I don't think my Bro Axel will dig him that much.

Axel: *scowls* I don't like him.

The Shadow

Arrogance might be something Shadow hates, ironicallg because he is like that too, but only because of his high intelectual abilities and skills into surgery... And disecting people. Shadow will be pissed off of Jax puts his smug attitude on this serial killer.

The Shadow: *cleans his scalpels* I don't care what he does as long as he keeps his nose out of my business. His intelect is no match for mine.

Bahini Talibah

Safe to say, this immortal woman wouldn't like Jax. She makes her uncomfortable and if he doesn't get the point of keeping distance he will suffer a painfull death.

Bahini: He makes me anxious. Enough said.

Mitch Carson

Feral Gask Mask Man wouldn't like Jax. He will simply view him as just another hunt and lunch.

Mitch: *growls behind the gas mask getting his crossbow ready*

Damiano Liberato

He is cocky and arrogant too and he can appreciate that into other men, but manners and a good etiquette are a must with this slice and dice mogul.

Damiano: Ughh.... He better have some class on him. If I see peons dressed in track suits I am gonna skin them alive.

Xaviera Lah-Mo

Cocky and arrogant men aren't her piece of cake, unless is her Wolf. Jax better keep his distance or else he might get shot into the balls by her sniper.

Xaviera: Not interesting me in the slightest bit.

Akshay Lah-Mo

Akshay doesn't like arrogant and cocky people, and if Jax will continue to annoy Akshay, the Polar bear might break his spine.

Akshay: *glares* His arrogance annoys me... He better keep his hands to himself unless he wants them broken.

Decebal Avram Chirilă

Decebal can appreciate a dominant man greatly and he doesn't mind getting on the bottom, but torture? Please.... Decebal has endured so much torture it feels like being petted and I am sure Jax wouldn’t like to have this assassins swords cutting through his torso.

Decebal: *smirks* He seems like a cool guy to hang around with... Just don't get too cocky, dragă because I am a switch and my Dom side will pounce on you.

Alexander Chirilă

Alex loves a great dominat man and I am sure Jax would be a perfect match for him, plus even thought Alex is a sub, he has great pain endurace, so torture is no problem for him.

Alexander: *blushes at the Dom part* Umm... He seems fine.. I-I guess.

Nadia Nikolina Chirilă

Jax might find his jaw knocked off by Nadia, because she isn't a big fan of dominating men, especially arrogant ones. Keep your distance Jax. Just a piece of advice.

Nadia: *raises a brow and snorts* Not my type and defenitly not someone I can tolerate too much.

[writingfandomfeels]

Bellamy Blake - FWB P2

Summary: You end up shopping with Bellamy when Octavia cancels

Part 1 Part 3

Smut between ~~~ Bellamy knocked on his sister’s apartment door, surprised to be greeted by more of a tornado than his sister. 

“Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re here.” She said, as she opened the door for him and immediately abandoned it. 

“What’s up, O?” He asked, closing the door behind him. “Your text was pretty vague but you know I’m always here for you.” 

Octavia rushed around the apartment. “Indra just called me into work last minute and I’m not going to have time to walk Helios. Could you please?” 

Bellamy looked down, making eye contact with his sister’s dog. “Uh, yeah sure, I can do that.” 

“Thank you!” She said desperately as she brushed her hair at the same time as running back into the kitchen, shoving a bite of bagel into her mouth. “Ughh, I hate when I’m called in last minute like this and have to cancel all my plans.” She said while chewing. “You know I had plans with Y/N today right?” 

“I actually didn’t.” He replied, trying to keep up with her. It never failed to amaze him how many things his sister could do at once. 

“Yeah, well, we did and now I’m just expected to cancel them. Which I feel really bad for too since she’s going to this wedding this weekend right, and she’s super nervous ‘cause her parents will be there and she like never sees them ‘cause they hate her, right?” She bolted for the bathroom to finish her hair now. 

“Oh, I’m sure they don’t hate-” 

“Either way she’s never met their standards and they don’t get along.” Octavia interjected. “So anyways, I was supposed to help her go dress shopping and find her something incredible that would make her feel confident to face them and-” she paused, looking in the bathroom mirror. She made a face and quickly changed her outfit. “Anyways, now, I feel like I’ve let her down as a friend, you know? Like I know this was really important to her but there’s really nothing I can do now.” She ran from her closet to the bathroom again and quickly tied up her hair in a ponytail instead of keeping it down. 

“Well hey, what if I go with her?” Bellamy suggested. 

Octavia was brushing her teeth now and looked back at him, mouth sudsing. “You’d really do that?” 

“Well sure, I mean I’ve gone shopping with you tons of times. You’ve even sent me out to buy you something before. I’ve got pretty good taste, I think I’d be fine.” 

“Yeah?” She spit out her toothpaste and rinsed. “Okay that’d be great!” She hurried back to the front of the apartment. 

“Well I’ve got to run!” Octavia grabbed her keys and headed for the door before running back to give Bellamy a quick hug. “Best brother ever. Bye!” 

“Have a good day at work O!” Bellamy called after her. 

***

Just after Bellamy had returned to his sister’s apartment after walking Helios, Octavia’s buzzer rang. 

“Yeah?” He answered. 

You looked at the intercom speaker, surprised it wasn’t Octavia answering. 

“Bellamy?” You asked. 

“Yeah, I’ll be right down just gotta take off Helios’ leash.” 

“Umm… okay?” You responded and began waiting patiently at the door until he showed up. 

“Change of plans, my sister was called in for work today so I’m going to be shopping with you instead.” He explained. 

You stifled a giggle. “I’m sorry… you’re going shopping with me?” 

“Yeah.” He looked slightly offended. “What, you don’t think I’ve got enough style for the job?” He teased. 

“Well, I don’t mean to be sexist or anything, but… you’re… a guy. Won’t you be bored?” You asked. 

He shook his head. “Nah. I’ve gone shopping before with my sister loads of times. It doesn’t bother me.” 

“Okay, if you’re sure.” You shrugged and began walking to your first store. 

“Hello! How are you today?” The sales associate greeted. “Is there anything I can help you find?” 

Normally you didn’t bother getting the associates involved, you felt bad for it if you couldn’t find anything you like but before you could say you were just looking, Bellamy spoke up for you. 

“This lovely lady here is looking for a dress to attend a wedding. Do you have anything in your store as beautiful as her?” 

You blushed a light shade of pink. 

“Well we do have quite a few cocktail dresses in our newest summer collection that I believe would accompany her radiance very nicely.” The woman lead the way to the section and you followed behind Bellamy. 

She was right, their summer collection was beautiful. You stepped out of the change room to meet Bellamy’s eyes. He was sitting on a cushioned bench they had. 

“I definitely think the style suits you… what is it again um…” he searched for the right words and snapped his fingers when it came to him, “A-Line! It suits your body type well.” 

“I’m not sure I like the color though….” You contemplated, looking in the mirror now. Bellamy came up behind you and joined you in the mirror. 

He nodded. “Yeah, I see what you mean. Maybe just not the right shade for your complexion?” He turned and grabbed a different dress from the sales associate. “Try this one.” 

You took the dress from him and returned to the changing room. This repeated a few times. Either the color was off or the style wasn’t right or you just didn’t feel comfortable in it. You began to get a little frustrated with the sales associate’s choices. When you came out this time in a strange frock that felt funny on your arms, you couldn’t find Bellamy. 

“Bellamy?” You called, looking around. The store was pretty big and you couldn’t see him or the associate anywhere. Awkwardly, you tip toed around the store in your socks, not wanting to get in trouble for walking away from the change rooms in the uncomfortable dress. 

“Bellamy??” You continued to call in a hushed voice not to draw attention to yourself. 

“Over here!” He eventually responded from the back of the store. You made your way through the maze of aisles and racks of clothes. He held up an a-line cocktail dress with flowers on it that had a vintage feel to it. 

“I think we were on the right track with that first one, we just needed the same style but a different design. What do you think of this?” 

You nodded your head. It was really pretty. You took the dress with you to the change room and he trailed behind you, taking his time to look at any other dresses he might have missed on the way to the back. You put on the flower dress and immediately loved it. You met him outside of the change room and he nodded. 

“Gotta do the twirl test.” He smiled and you spun, letting the dress twirl outward. “Looks great.” 

You beamed. “I love it.” 

“You should get it then!” He encouraged. “It really suits you.” 

You agreed and changed back into the sundress you had come shopping in. When you exited the change room you’d lost Bellamy again. Figuring he’d turn up eventually, you made your way to the front of the store and had the dress rung through the till. Just as you were taking your receipt from the sales associate, Bellamy came over to you. 

“I’ve found an amazing dress in the back. It’s on sale and perfect for you to wear to work.” He said excitedly. 

“But, I’ve already gone through the till?” You pointed out, waving your receipt. 

“Oh.” He looked from you to the receipt. “It’s honestly such a steal though. $9 from $99. And like I said, you could wear it to work.” 

You thought about it. You were always in need of more clothes that suited your work’s dress code. One of your work staples had recently worn a hole in one of the seams so it wasn’t a bad idea. And you couldn’t say no to that great of a sale. You agreed and he showed you the dress at the back. There was another set of changing rooms nearby so you changed in the closer one. Quickly realizing the dress was too snug for you, you tried to take it off. You wrestled with the fabric, trying to pull it back over your head as there was no zipper. You tugged and accidentally fell against the wall a little, causing you to let out an awkward “Ah!” 

“Are you okay?” Bellamy asked, hearing the thudding around and you squealing. 

“I’m-fine. I’m-just-agh-stuck!” You continued to struggle. 

“Do you need some help?” He asked at the curtain now. 

You sighed and stopped struggling. “Yes please.” 

He entered the small room and saw you begin to flail your arms, trying to reach a better angle to pull at the dress. It was lodged on your head and part of your torso so he couldn’t see your face. He put a hand to his mouth as he made a failed attempt to conceal his laughter. 

“Hold on” he chuckled and helped you pull the dress off of your body. 

You exhaled in relief and looked up, meeting his gaze. His long hair fell partially in his face, wisps just gently caressing his cheek. He was standing really close to you in the confined room and you suddenly became aware how exposed you currently were. You stood in front of him in your lace bra and panties, and yet rather than feeling embarrassment for how little clothes you had on, all you could think about was taking them off. 

“Umm… I guess I should…” he turned to leave but you reached your arm out and stopped him, still meeting his gaze. His eyes traveled down your body and back up to your eyes. The sparks between you two were obvious. Then in a swift sudden moment, your lips collided, kindling the fire inside you. 

~~~

The heat that had been radiating between you two seemed to blind you to reason. Like embers to gasoline, the passion overtook you both. Frantically he fumbled with your bra clasp as you yanked off his shirt and scrambled to unbuckle his pants. In one fleeting moment he threw off your panties and gripped into your thighs, lifting you up to him. You wrapped your legs around his torso to help steady yourself. He pushed into you and you bit your lip to keep quiet as he began slamming into you against the wall. The smallest of whimpers escaped your lips as you felt his mouth on your chest, warming you up to him even more. Moving faster, you both breathed heavily as you felt the fire scorching through you. And just as quickly as it started, it ended. 

~~~

It all happened in a blur. You remember kissing and things escalating and then suddenly you found yourself in a compromising position, face to face with a police officer. Oops. 

“What the hell happened?!!!” Octavia exclaimed as an officer unlocked the cell that had been holding you and Bellamy for the past few hours. 

“I get a message at work that my brother is in jail and do I want to pick him up. Seriously Bellamy?! What did you do?!”

“Me” You mumbled not loud enough for her to hear. Bellamy heard though and cracked a small smile before getting serious again and attempting to explain to Octavia what happened, in the least graphic terms possible. 

“So you were caught fucking in public.” Octavia stated, unimpressed. “I can’t believe you two!!! I didn’t even know you were involved!” 

You both quickly denied that. 

She rolled her eyes. “Great well I’m sure that’s going to go over well.” She huffed angrily as you were handed back your belongings and you all left the station. 

“Just. Please. If you’re going to fuck around, be smarter about it? For my sake? I don’t like picking up my brother and my friend from the cops.” She lectured. You knew it was only because she was worried about you both and stressed with work. 

She stopped in front of her car and looked at you for a moment. “Did you at least find a nice dress?” 

You reached into the bag that had just been returned to you. You pulled out the dress and held it up for her to see. 

“Good.” She nodded, seeming more calm. But when she got in the car she went back to lecturing again. 

[laputaindefrenchgirl]

Goodbye, old friends.

Recently, I realized one thing : x-men (circa 2011-2019) was actually the Twilight of my twenties. One of those phenomena, which whirlwinds your soul, intellect and passion into a pivotal period of your life. In my case, my early twenties.

But, I’ll go back to the beginning : the x-men anime series in 1990s. I remember watching episodes in the morning, every wednesday, and first thing first, being fascinated by Professor X. Imagine! A leader living with a disability, bald yet still cool, with the most badass wheelchair known to humanity, and with one of the greatest super power ever. I was around five years old when I was watching, and completely hooked by this fantastic, well written, universe. As early as I can recall, Charles Xavier’s character gave me a sense of belonging, and safety (besides my family). This was someway proof that you can be unique, different, and right where you were supposed to be. 

The seeds were taking in my brain.

Then, x-men First Class came out in 2011 and this was a brutal slap to my big head. I’ll go with “Mutant and Proud” first. This mantra, repeated through the movie was exactly what I needed to hear. I always had and always will love myself, but to be proud of me has a total different meaning. I was nineteen, still a baby, and about to go through one of the toughest experience of my life, moral harassment in my college. This movie had an emotional impact on my vision of the world and myself. 

The world is mine to take, and I have to bloom in order to conquer it.

My perception of myself was at the same time accurate and yet sugar coated, nowadays for example it’s much more blurred but I guess it’s what adulting does to you. Charles Xavier, once again, embodied massively a part of me I could not ignore. And Erik, god, I was thinking he’s right too. But the biggest part of me was relating to Charles, for the following reasons. He knows he’s different, went through some abuse, and yet, he wants to make the world a better place. He believes in Humanity. He knows they can be the worst and the best. Having all this power, who could crush anyone, and not using it. He’s a good speaker (so am I, in my good days) and use his tools to make things happen, being subtle and sometimes not so. He’s still shielded from the dark things due to where he was born, and good money. He’s naive in that way, and kind of arrogant in believing, simply. He’s the believer. And that makes him one of the greatest, brightest, and powerful mutant in history.

He has this extraordinary friendship with Erik, and believes in him as his total equal. The way he opens up to him, gives him his trust (so does Erik tho), is extremely well depicted and human. As I was watching First Class, I was amazed that such friendship could exist (and dude, let’s not talk about the bromance). When the bullet went through Charles’ spine by accident, the way that suddenly he realizes he and Erik cannot draw their path, together. That’s so accurate to many, many life’s situations. You go until the point of non retour. When you trust someone with your entire self but hit the end, stop sign, and know you can’t keep going like that. I wonder what would have happen if they did not break up (call it what you want) in Cuba? Would have they have been able to compromise? 

If I was Charles, I would not have been able to. Maybe blinded by my bruised ego, brokenhearted, or simply hurt. Because once I dive in, I know I could drown if I make a mistake. That’s real life.

In Days of Future Past, the struggle is real. that scene in the plane, well, it questions lots of things. Magneto does not (want to?) comprehend that Charles gave up his powers in order to not feel pain, and be able to walk again. He’s so angry with Charles, calls him a coward for giving up, for not believing. Charles, well, he’s a mess. And he did really try but eventually, (he) it wasn’t enough. He was still grieving over the abandonment of his best friend and his sister. Being alone is terrifying. And of course, he’s angry too. This scene was super intense and well done because, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t for a minute mute your own pain in order to pretend? Charles is both despised for being a naive asshole, too kind hearted, and then for being a man who could not accept to be less physically than he was before the bullet. He loses hope, and again, that’s a very human thing to do. I loved this dynamic, because it made me wonder, wouldn’t i have done the same thing when I hated myself the most?

Throw away my wheelchair, disability, in order to be normal and not be looked as some kind of weird thing, in the best and worst ways. 

Eventually, Charles finds his faith, his hope again and is that leader, that light everyone crave and look after. There’s the ultimate question, layered under lots of FX and plots ; if you represent hope for the world, who are you hoping for?

To be that person is so hard to carry. Somedays, I feel that curse. I take out of it what’s best for me, and just try to be the best version of myself I can be. If not for me, then for you, and what will be there long after me. Such a selfish aura to be light but selfless to live for. Very strange to be.

Then Apocalypse, then Dark Phoenix, which is the last movie of the franchise with this excellent cast. I mean, seriously, x-men could not have had a better casting, especially Fassbender and McAvoy. Period.

In Dark Phoenix, Erik is settled in Genosha, and Charles being a tad too political in the lead of the x-men as a school and also an unity to save the world. He thinks his choices are the good ones, and some he takes by the beginning of the movie are clearly not. But he’s Charles Xavier, and he’s build an incredible school and done an amazing conversation between the public opinion and the mutants. So yes he’s been blinded by his ego, but always trying to what is best for his people, his family. Through the movie, his relationship with the others x-men has a change of dynamic to say the least, and in my opinion, Beast reaction towards Charles was extremely violent, like he took his grieve on him for all the fucking wrong reasons.

As I was watching DP, I related to Charles once again. I went through a complicated phase as recently. I’m basically, Audrey, the strong headed young woman who’s successful on what she goes for. Spoiler, I do not do everything perfectly, and am a mess on my days. But as Charles, I have this light, and people find hope in me, and I give them my best vibes and try as harder as I can. And for one thing I did, which wasn’t supported by people close to me, they tore me down as if my whole twenty six years of being who I am didn’t matter. It broke my heart. Just like Charles, I tried to make up, repair what I did supposedly wrong, but they didn’t care. For months, I lived through a very complicated situation where I was isolated and not supported, which was hurtful, lonely, hard to live through (end of the depressive note).

What I liked though, was the open ending of DP. Charles and Erik someway reunited (in a french café, so cliché ughh) and Erik’s the only one who’s saying, let me be there for you. Who knows, maybe Charles isolated himself by the end of movie because he couldn’t live with the guilt? Or maybe Beast and the others x-men didn’t forgive him? In both case, here again, that’s something I would totally do. It’s a silent scream. I’m too demanding, both to others and myself. Charles is both powerful and physically dependant to others. A strange but knowing combo, ready to explode anytime soon. I can tell ‘cause I’m pretty much the first to guilt-trip myself when I realize I did a wrong. The way Charles can’t seem to forgive himself when he gave away so much, is to me, very realistic.

As a kid, I dreamt by night that I had a superpower. I never truly defined which one, it wasn’t really about flying or becoming invisible. The more I grew, the more my love for life was growing, even through the bad days and the hurt, I had hope brighter days were ahead, still do. My power is to try to do my best when I know I also could do the worst. Too powerful to be loved rightfully, too weak to be the good person I should be.

I would finish this by saying x-men taught me to be kinder towards myself. To always try to reach potential, as an artist, a woman living with a disability, but most of all as a human. I will probably live most of my life feeling like a misfit, looked upon as a strange creature but knowing that, someday, things will change and people who are gifted to be different will be treated with equal respect.

Mutant and Proud. thank you so fucking much.

#audreytheartiste