#ugh yeah i guess this is it. i dont really feel better but idk what else to do about it so i guess thats it. i hope this is the last i post

[whomturgled]

:^(

[firemenenthusiast]

hi hi! I wanna say I love your writing and love that you’re on the Archie train rn - I do have a lil request so I know most people think Farleigh is like submissive but I would love one where he’s like super dominant and for smut he’s like basically leaves you crying from overstimulation and makes you come a lot but like in a fun way not necessarily toxic (which isn’t bad either but yeah) (((: idk I feel like he’s a switch and could be both dominant and submissive

oh my god dom!farleigh finally out ! thank you so so SO very much anon for being so patient with me and i am incredibly sorry for making you wait this long :’(

—“casual”

dom!farleigh x fem!reader

summary: there’s a reason why you should never talk about farleigh behind his back

warning: 18+, smut, pwp, unprotected sex, rough sex (dom!farleigh), brat tamer! farleigh, free use, degradation kink, farleigh and reader sounds like fuckbuddies, cunnilingus, slapping, name calling (slut & whore) (sorry) (not sorry), praise kink, petnames (baby, sweetheart & doll) oral fixation, face-fucking, mirror sex, cock-slapping, spitting, making out, overstimulation, blowjobs, dacryphilia, throat fucking, mating press, teabagging, facial, cum eating, creampie, cervix fucking, ruined orgasm, foul language, humiliation, aftercare, fluff at the end

a/n: i really hope this is okay with what you’ve imagined anon, as writing dom!farleigh is by far my hardest work yet. literally pondered on this piece for months. enjoy ! teehee <3 also keep reading, it gets better

“can you believe it ? like— im not even asking for much but he’s just so, ugh” the girl sitting over at the end of the couch complains. you’re sitting in a circle, well not quite a circle, but it’s a bunch of girls just lounging, sitting and talking about what’s currently bothering them. and this time, the topic is boyfriends. cliché, but they can really be a pain in the ass according to these girls. you’re not sure if you can relate, given that you do not have a boyfriend. but you do have farleigh, whatever you’re calling him. he’s never bothered to put a label on it, and certainly never bothered to ask you to be his girlfriend. “oh my god yes” you hear one of the girls agreeing, followed by the others nodding and grabbing at each others thighs

“what about you ? i mean, we certainly heard a lot about farleigh” one of the girls asks you, snickering at the end of her sentence. everyone around campus is familiar with how farleigh’s relationships never end peacefully. they always end with a series of drama that apparently everyone is tuned in on. it’s like a ‘what did farleigh do this time ?’ show, that airs every couple of months. the common hall massacre from farleigh’s last hook up is still being talked about till this day and it’s been like what, six months ? you don’t know why even after seeing those messy events where farleigh always looked like he couldn’t care less, you still ended up in his bed at the end of the very party where he first laid his eyes on you. i guess when thee farleigh start shows you even the slightest of interest, you have no other option but to give in. it’s like a once in a lifetime opportunity, and one must be strong enough to resist the temptation of getting with the tall, golden skinned brunette. you— ? you just don’t have it in you.

pursing your lips, you quietly force an awkward smile to yourself, practically eye rolling. ofcourse they would be interested. you shut your eyes for a moment before blinking to every eyes focusing on you. truth be told, you dont like talking about farleigh to people, especially to answer invasive questions like this. you already feel so insecure with whatever kind of relationship you have with farleigh, so having people try to peek into it puts you in a very uncomfortable position. “what about him ?” you raise your eyebrows with your question-response in a desperate attempt to push farleigh off the topic. “girl how’s your boyfriend ? is he great or…” one of the girls tease, flipping her hair over her shoulder, trying her best to provoke an answer from you, preferrably a piece of gossip that she could spread to her girlfriends at uni.

“he’s not my boyfriend” you let out quietly, head low, correcting their assumptions that it’s an established relationship, earning a swarm of mutter from throughout the group. some of them already exhanging knowing looks and giggling to each other. well isn’t this just humiliating. “how come ?” the blonde serves you with yet another question, tone obvious that she’s just mongering for gossip. the sudden light dust prickling at your eyeballs are being wiped away by a heavy blink from you. all these questions evoke a sudden rage from within. she’s right. yeah, how come ? how come you’ve been letting farleigh fuck you anytime he wants when he doesn’t ever bother to make you his girlfriend. you’ve realised a long ago that it’s unlikely that you’re gonna be a couple but everyone seems to think the two of you are exclusive by the way none of you have been caught fucking anyone else.

noticing your expression, she decides to spare you the humiliation and just move on to her next question even though the former hasn’t been answered. the situation is making you awfully quiet, and it’s not just because you barely knew any of these girls, you just thought sitting with them in this mild get-together at farleigh’s mansion might offer you some sort of entertainment. never have you thought that you’re the one who’s gonna be the entertainment. the thick buzz at the top of your head confuses you between the exhaustion of talking to obnoxious young adults invited tonight or the weariness of knowing that you’re just a toy to farleigh. at first you didn’t really care, but after a while the boy’s starting to grow on you. sometimes he does care, the way he always walk you back to your dorm after a long night of doing your activities. but most of the times you tell yourself that it’s just common courtesy, and he could be doing that to any girl he wants.

“ah fuck that, how’s the sex ?” was her other question, which was followed by daunting whoops of teasings from the girls. still, every pair of eyes is set on you and it’s gotta be on the top list of your most uncomfortable situation. however the unusual bitterness towards farleigh at the moment gags your desire to shit talk about him to these girls. as you search for something bad to say, you realise that you don’t have anything to complain. guess you’d just have to lie then. straightening your shoulders and throwing your neck back, you lean your back on your propped up arms against the floor.

“have you ever heard that he’s good in bed from anyone ?” you start, which earns eager head shakes from the girls.

“well that’s because he fucking sucks. cums too fast, and guess what ? you’d think he’d atleast bother to make the girl-“ you gesture to yourself, “-cum first, but that’s none of his business it seems” the small piece of information being sought out to the public like that leaves the girls wide-eyed, with some of them dramatically placing their palms against their chest. you feel horrible for lying, and it just registered in your head that this will go terribly wrong knowing that it’ll spread around like an infection. “oh my god. really ?” the blonde attempts to fuel to the fire mid-burning the whole place down, her blue eyes almost popping out of her head, gouging for more info from you.

nodding, you catch yourself feeding her with yet another lie. “fucking sloppy, is what he is. moans like a bitch too. i should’ve been fucking his cousin by now, which, i don’t even know why i haven’t” the last part of this whole unbased shit talk feels too much for you, as you mentally wince at how untrue just all the things you said. the whole room is filled with various sounds of gasping, giggling and overall indefinable mutters. if you were being honest, you’re still not going to tell them how you’re willing to beg for his cock, telling him to make you his cum dump, as long as you get to be fucked by him. you raise your head to examine each of their faces, subtly biting on your bottom lips at their reactions.

it was a small get-together afterall, so you wouldn’t be suprised that some of the hallways in the house are ominously empty at this hour. you could still hear a distinct chatter and music from behind the other walls but as you briskly walk towards the left wing of the mansion, your wrist is suddenly being grabbed from behind, before your whole body is being caged against the wooden wainscot on the wall, pair of huge palms snaking themselves across your forearms. “farleigh—“ you huff out, neck craned to give access to the pair of lips trailing hot, wet kisses across your skin. the tall figure caging and pressing against your body is making you whimper out a small moan, to which he lets out a chuckle. you always make it so easy for him.

wrapping his fingers around your wrist in a firm grab, he brings them above your head before moving his lips towards your soft ones, a string of saliva shining on the flesh with each breath the both of you are taking. his touches grazes your skin delicately, dragging you into becoming an addict. you suck in a deep breath through your nose as you return the kiss, tongue darting to lick on his bottom ones, earning a smile from him. “i’ve missed you” he teases, while running his fingertips along your waistband, knowing the two of you only parted ways when his friendgroup approached him, which later lead you to the wrongful confessions with the girls earlier. words like these makes you long for his affection, spending your sleepless nights thinking about the feelings you may or may not have caught for him. he huffs out against your face, forehead resting against each other as you feel his hot breath on your skin. he leans down to chase your lips for yet another kiss, your noses nudging against each other only for him to hover over your lips with a teasing grin, making you grow desperate from the phantom kiss.

his large hands rest on the curve of your waist when you push him back by his broad chest, both your fingers sprawled over the fabric of his linen. he’s ridiculously good at maintaining his balance all while being pushed back with his head leaning down, still kissing you, his pretty curls grazing the skin on your cheeks. he’s so pretty, the type of pretty that makes you want to look at him all day, the type of pretty that you’d fall for. the way he kisses you could make anyone believe that he’s in love, yet he never cared to let you know, or tell you that this is just a fling for him. you already know where this is going, as you were on your way to find him in his room anyways. you let out a small giggle when he almost toppled back over a bump on the carpet, before he joins you with a low chuckle against your lips.

“c’mon, farleigh—“ whining, you’re half begging for him to just pick you up and carry you to his bed, which, like he could read you mind, he does. “i know, baby”. you’re clinging onto him with your legs wrapped around his waist, your hands cupping his face to deepen the kiss as you feel the growing bulge poking at your thighs. humming into the kiss, he pulls away momentarily to lean you against the wooden door of his room, turning the both of you to hold you against the door, forcing it to shut, all while his tongue licks your taste off yours.

you could feel his desperation grow from his kiss as your fingers work eagerly unbuttoning his shirt. he fumbles with the back of your dress, reaching to undo the string, heavy pants escaping both your lips, practically clawing at each other. after peeling the linen off his shoulder and pulling it down to throw it on the floor, you watch him move recklessly. “fucking get this off” he groans, as you reach to the back to help him. everything is moving so fast, and you glad it does as it seems to be impossible to remain patient with each of farleigh’s touch against your skin. it’s like a craving, an addiction, as desperation fills the thick air inside the room more then the hot breath puffing from your lips.

as soon as you’re left only with the matching set of underwear, farleigh wastes no time picking you back up to throw you on the bed, his body flush against yours as his kisses down your body are starting to get wet. between his fingers raking around your waist and his mouth sucking on the skin of your collarbone leaving wet bruises all across it, you feel yourself getting lost in the haziness, unable to mutter a single coherent sentence. all that could be let out past your lips are whines and moans, as your fingertips graze against his scalp, pulling at the root of his curls. you feel helpless, exposed and needy for him and only him, to do something. once you feel his lips kissing dangerously close to your cunt, sucking and licking especially hard on the flesh of your inner thighs, you find yourself reaching for his face. “farleigh please,,” you let out pleas after pleas, begging for his lips to be where you need him the most. paying no mind to you, he continues placing his marks across your inner thigh and the spot closest to the hem of your panties with his palms smoothing over the skin on your torso.

he’s humming in between kisses, his eyes rips themselves from focusing on marking your skin to look directly into yours, maintaining eye contact. if it wasn’t for the growing bulge in his pants, he’d be willing to spend the rest of his time just looking into your eyes. tilting his head down, he pushes the crotch of your panties to the side, breaking eye contact for a moment to look at the dripping mess in front of him, grinning at how soaked your folds are, making your eyebrows knit. the way your pussy glisten with your wetness gotta be one of his favourite views ever. feeling the ache down your core starts to throb, you can’t help the pitchy moan slipping past your lips and the sudden bucking of your hips into his face. “don’t make me beg farleigh, please” the words coming out of your mouth contradicting each other. before you could add to your complaints, you feel his swollen lips smashing against your folds, his tongue hot, licking away all the wetness collecting and dripping towards your hole. he has one hand holding you down by your waist, and another rubbing on your pussy, spreading the folds apart so his tongue could have better access. the fingers on your pussy roam down to your hole, pushing your clit upwards so he could settle his whole face in between your thighs, his nose repeatedly nudging against your clit. driving his face into your pussy, it’s like he’s stuffing his face with your essence, eager to lick away every drop of wetness dripping down your folds as he feels like nothing tastes better. he hums, sending vibrations through the sensitive nerves, fishing out another whine from you.

“gonna cum, farleigh. please make me cum” the words come out of your mouth like water, without you even having time to think it before. as the knot in your lower stomach begins to get tighter with each sucking of his lips on your folds, he knows you’re seconds away from cumming. you could feel the wave of pleasure threatening to wash down over you, as you’re willing to give up everything to chase after it, even your dignity. shutting your eyes, your fingers harshly grab at the sheets beneath you, as farleigh suddenly rips his mouth away from your pussy, moving over to stand at the edge of the bed, his eyes busy eyeing his hands that are unbuckling his belt. “what the fuck—?!” you almost yelled, anger and dissatisfaction tearing through your voice as you look at farleigh in disbelief. the orgasm that you were chasing is washing away, leaving your pussy feeling so raw and swollen.

he throws you an unbothered look with an eyebrow quirked, his lips shiny from eating you out. “sorry, apparently i’m just not bothered to let the girl cum first” the coy expression on his face obvious, the slight curl at the side of his lips quickly being stripped away. “—isn’t that right ?” he continues, leaning over with his knee dipping into the mattress, his propped arm settling beside your temple, his face inches away from your muted one. the furrowed eyebrows that were accompanying your anger dropped down, as your glossy eyes now being forced to look into his intimidating ones. you could feel that he’s not happy, but none of his expressions tell that, except that you’re fucked.

you hear him let out a chuckle as he leans back, both his knees on either side of your body, resting his weight on your torso. “you should see the look on your face sweetheart” he tsks, shaking his head at you heavy breathing, still affected by the orgasm that he just ripped off from your core. no words could be lolled out of your tongue and you could only shake your head as an attempt to save yourself. he cocks his head to the side before his eyes widen,

“no, i mean it”

moving his knee over your body, farleigh moves to the side of the bed before reaching over to cup the back of your neck, pulling you up to push you off the bed by your neck, forcing you to sit infront of the body sized mirror by his nightstand. you’re kneeling, your hands are forced to prop yourself up from face planting on the hard floor, ass is sticking out on full display giving him the perfect view. oh how he loves when you’re exposed like this for him and no one else.

before you could even react to being pulled off the bed, his fingers already curl themselves across your skin, wrapped around your neck, pulling you upstraight so you could only look at your reflection in the mirror, and his smug face while he crouches down. “look at yourself, such a pretty face-“ he starts, fingers moving to push your cheeks together, his arms pressing down your chest so you’re resting against his shoulder.

“-but so. fucking. dumb.” he says, tapping roughly on your cheek after each words.

the last part of his sentence heavy, emphasizing on how stupid you are that you couldn’t even think before going off telling people such lies. “you know what i love to do with a pretty face that doesn’t know when to shut up ?” he trails off, letting go off your face to continue unbuckling his belt, the metal of the buckle clinking, before unbuttoning and pulling the zipper down.

“as if you know when to shut up” you spit out, trying to retaliate against his words.

he offers you an amused look before shaking his head and smile. “i love when you prove me right“ farleigh chuckles as he looks up to meet your eyes in the mirror, before pulling down his pants, along with his boxers, making his now fully hard length that was straining in his pants spring up, hitting the trail of hair on his lower belly. no matter how many times you’ve seen and been fucked by him, you still think he’s huge. he’s perfectly girthy, his tip always flushes a deep shade of pink and his cock’s just as pretty as him.

he steps closer towards you, reaching down to gather your hair in a makeshift ponytail before pulling you up, forcing you to stand on your knees. he looks at you with that grin you could never crack the meaning of, as you watch his other hand move to grab the base of his cock. his firm grip pulling at your scalp leaves you quiet, as you could only glance between his face, and the leaking cock in his hand. with your head in his one hand and his heavy length in the other, your eyes are on the same level of his waist where you could hear the loud sound of him spitting into his hand, as it lands on his length. the lewd, loud squelching sound of him stroking saliva all over his cock right beside your face makes you clench around nothing

sighing, he pulls your face towards his crotch before starting to slap his hard cock against your cheek. you’re starting to feel degraded to a mere sextoy with the way he’s smearing his cock all over your face, the sensitive tip tapping at your swollen lips. his long digits wrapped around the base serves a great purpose of aiming his slick length so it slaps heavy against your face, bouncing against the skin again and again, omitting loud slapping sounds. “i don’t even know what i’ve ever done to you-“ he starts, tongue poking the inside of his cheek.

“-but you don’t talk about me that way, baby”

he stops the slapping of his cock to wipe it all over your face instead, repeatedly moving his shaft over your nose as it makes him groan in pleasure. your pretty face is covered with the slick of saliva and precum, you hair a mess and sticking all over your face. as soon as he finishes his sentence, your entire reflection on the mirror is being blocked by his legs stepping in front of you, so he could roughly shove his hard cock past your lips, pushing it down your throat. the sudden pressure at the back of your tongue makes you gag, as tears start forming on your waterline. you’re starting to regret the things you said just for the one minute of validation. farleigh has never done anything like this to you, but you know this is not going to end anytime soon.

“shh…shh- it’s okay, im just gonna fuck this mouth slow and nice. is that good ?” he coos, his hips begins thrusting into your mouth, starting nice and slow before quickly changing to a rapid pace in a split second, not allowing you to adjust at all. he’s now properly fucking your mouth, and if you didn’t already feel like a cocksleeve, you certainly do now.

“there you go, you’ve always been so good at sucking my cock. you’re a proper slut you know that ?” he mutters through gritted teeth, both his large hands cradling your head, slamming your face down his cock, heavy balls slapping against your slicked chin from all the drool dripping down your lips. looking up at him, you try to blink away the glossiness of your eyes as you give him an obeying look, seeking for his approval. “oh that’s cute, you’re my little slut aren’t you ?” the whiny moans you’re letting out sends vibrations, further stimulating his cock. “aww mouth too full of cock you can’t even answer” giving you a fake pout on his lips, he pulls out for a moment to let you answer, yet you’re keeping your mouth shut. “i said-“ he yanks your hair as he leans down close to your face, “-you’re my little slut aren’t you ?” you almost topple back before nodding vigorously,

“yes, yes—“

“yes what ?”

“yes i am, farleigh”

your quick response earns a satisfied grin from him before your mouth is back to being stuffed by his hard cock. you try your best not to gag too hard on his length as you know farleigh wouldn’t appreciate that. even with him treating you like you’re worthless, you’re still eager to please him. maybe you are indeed a slut. his slut.

the rapid movements of your head bobbing down his shaft and his hips thrusting into your mouth makes your hands roam up his thighs for leverage, as you look up at him through your lashes. he thinks you look so cute like this, so he offers you a smile from above, the tip of your nose hitting into his lower belly repeatedly. you could feel his thrust getting even faster before one last throw of his head and he’s pushing your mouth off his cock, messy strings of saliva connecting from your lips to his swollen tip, his balls dripping with sticky translucent substance that you couldn’t even tell. could be drool, or precum, or a mixture of both of your fluids. his cock is now resting against his navel, as it bounces with every move farleigh makes. he’s now pulling you up by your arms, the state of you so pathetic that if it were to be described, you’re nothing short of fucked and cockdrunk.

“c’mon sweetheart, hands and knees. need to fuck your pussy” his instructions loud and clear, as your body is being thrown like a doll onto the mattress. and like it’s instinct you immediately crawl onto the bed and prop your ass up, your legs apart, back arching with your face dropped down between the sheets. “i know you’re a good girl” he smiles, hands roaming across the smooth skin of your ass before swiftly pulling down your panties, revealing your soaking wet puffy lips, practically begging to be fucked. “well that’s a sight felix is certainly missing out on” the sight before him makes his cock twitch, a drop of precum forming at the tip before he catches it in his fingers to spread it along his length. getting onto the mattress, his pants already discarded and pooling beside the bed.

he crawls over you to rub his length against your folds, collecting the wetness that’s practically drenching his cock, before thrusting into your hole without warning. a cracked loud moan from your lips grazes both your ears as you give up against the sheets, your sobs being muffled by the soft fabric underneath you. he’s not in the mood of making you feel good as he’s only focused on fucking the dumb out of you and letting his anger out. he’s making you take his cock like a good girl he knows you are, as you struggle to adjust to the stretch of his size. he’s angry, well more like irritated, when he walked by the living room looking for you, only to hear you talking shit about him, and telling pathetic lies with no substance. there hasn’t been one fuck where farleigh doesn’t make you cum first, and he certainly fucks you like nobody else. so when you went off feeding those plastic blondes fake gossip just to appeal to them, of course he’s mad.

his large chest is now pushing down against your back, his large hand found it’s way at the back of your neck, holding your head down that your face is being mushed against the sheets. his harsh thrusts push your body back and forth, your face pressed down so hard to the point that the only sound you could let out are heavy cries and sobs, incoherent mumbles of pleads of his name as you’re being brought to your orgasm while he’s still rapidly fucking into you. “farleigh— mngh,, ohmygod“ in a way you sound like you’re worshipping him, while he’s ball deep inside your cunt, the tip of his cock bruising your cervix.

normally he would help you chase your high down but he doesn’t care. “i’ve never made you cum huh ? you can cum all you want now baby” his words are starting to get to you, as your pussy’s starting to feel so raw. another wave of orgasm come crashing down, leaving you a lightheaded babbling mess. you’re now actually crying for him, tears streaming down your face, shoulders bobbing, as both tears and drool wet the sheets underneath. “no more,, please. s’too much” you manage to let out weakly, your fingers gripping at the poor fabric desperately. suddenly you feel like he’s grown much larger than he usually does.

looking at your fucked up state, he let out a chuckle. “but i thought you wanted this ?” he mocks, he knows that you’re just too fucked up to even make up your mind. you feel so stretched out by his girth, and the position grants him the perfect access to fully fuck his cock into your pussy, thrusting forward in a rough rapid pace into the mattress. “you think felix could fuck you like this ?” he groans, making you shake your head desperately almost like you’re being hypnotised. “n-no,,no- hm“ you let out in response, your voice bumpy from his thrusts that are making your whole body shake. the whole situation is feeding the primal urge in him, as he grunts while biting down the skin at the back of your neck, his hand grabbing at your hair, pulling your head back to lift your face off the drool-drenched sheets. his other hand is holding you close by your stomach, lowering his hand to feel the moving bulge on your lower belly.

“feel that ? that’s my cock- so… fucking deep inside you. so maybe next time you wanna talk shit, fuck-“ he half whispers into your ear through gritted teeth, as his thrusts are starting to falter. both your hot cheeks are being pressed together as he talks right into your ear. “-remember how pathetic you look right now” he finishes off his sentence with one hard thrust, his hot body pressing down against yours before warm sticky substance fills up your hole, drops of it threatening to spill from the brim. you feel his chest resting on your back, he’s catching his breath as he pants into your ear with his hand wrapped around your neck.

“oh fuck,,” he lets out, voice thick with his remaining pants as he watch the cum oozing out of your cunt when he pull his softening cock out. he’s leaning back on his heels, admiring his work, ropes of white leaking down your puffy swollen lips, a low groan escapes his lips when he notices your hole clenching around nothing, pushing out more of his cum. smiling, he reaches over to squeeze your thigh, grabbing at the soft flesh. “such a filthy whore, letting me use this pussy like a toy” he lets out, his words making you feel so dirty. “aren’t you, baby ?” he coos, running his fingers across your chin. letting out a huge content sigh before hearing you mumble out a string out words. “what’s that, hm ?” leaning down, he moves closer to your lolled out face to hear you.

“you came too quick” you struggled to let out those words, yet still determined to try and piss him off.

raising his eyebrows, he seems surprised by your little protest before you feel his fingers slowly smooth over your hair, petting your head.

“i know. and that’s your job to get me hard again”

hearing his words, instant remorse washing over you as you feel him flip you over, that you’re now lying on your back, facing him. he looks even bigger, shoulders broad and glistening in sweat, making you feel like he could cage you in any moment now. his cheeks look flushed and red, his lips pink and swollen yet he never looked prettier. your hands immediately move up to hold onto his thighs, now being on either side of your upper body as his cock is hanging right in front of your face. the remainder of his cum that is clinging onto his tip drips down, landing onto your lips before his fingers push your cheeks open, shoving his cock into your mouth as he tries to fit the whole length inside.

his limp cock feels odd on your tongue at first, but you immediately start sucking on his length. “come on, doll” he urges you, eager to be able to fuck you again. you mentally flinch at the name he’s calling you, as it really makes you feel filthy. deep down you absolutely love filling your mouth full, and sucking on his cock. anything to please farleigh. he’s thrusting his hips down to your face, circling it so now it’s his balls turn to be shoved into your mouth, before being absolutely slobbered with saliva. in no time he’s getting hard again, making it easier for him to fuck into your mouth, only to pull it out and replace it with his balls again, and doing so repeatedly until he feels just. you have your eyes closed, your lips busy fondling and kissing at each of his sack, your tongue covering them with drool.

farleigh is holding onto the headboard, grunts spilling from his mouth from how good you’re worshipping his cock. as he tilt his head down, he can’t help the moan slipping past his lips at you sucking at the underside of his balls. now that he’s fully hard again, he reaches down to grab at the base of his shaft before putting the entire heavy weight of it onto your face, rubbing his length all over your soft skin, like he did earlier.

too weak to form coherent sentences to him, you manage to drag out a mumbled “please…farleigh”. you hear him let out a satisfied hum as you close your eyes, letting the feeling of his wet cock sliding on your face takes control. the length of his cock almost covering your face as he’s contemplating just fucking his cock against the skin of your face into nothing. everything’s just so wet now, his sweaty body against yours, your face warm and sticky with sweat, tears and his cum, with his balls dripping with your drool. you’re too cockdrunk to even protest, letting him use you like a cum rag, wiping the cum off his cock on your skin, your pussy throbbing from another orgasm you just had undone just from how lewd this is.

“you make such a good whore, y’know ? im gonna need to fuck your pussy again” almost immediately after saying that, he’s lifting your upper body up, making you sit while he moves behind you to let your frail body rest against his. “let me have one last fuck okay ?” he whispers into your ear, your eyelids heavy as you slowly nod. his fingers tap at your thigh, signalling you to raise your hips. he has one arm wrapped around you, pulling you up onto his lap as you feel the tip of his hard cock slip back into your cunt with the guide of his other hand. you’re now sitting on his lap, legs bent and all spread out to give access to him. he could feel the stickiness of his cum left inside you engulfing his length, that is reaching deeper, bumping into your cervix. ”fuck, could feel my cum inside you—” the stretch of his cock against your wall is squeezing his cum back out of your hole as low moans escape both of your lips. he begins thrusting at a continued pace, much like before, making your body bounce on his lap. you let out a high pitched moan, your folds still swollen as you mumble out “m’too much farleigh- no more,, please” he ignores your whines and moans, fucking up into you like he’s been starved of it.

he reaches up to grope your tits, that have fallen out of your bra when he was ramming into you earlier. this is the first time tonight that farleigh’s even bothered to touch your nipples as he normally would’ve been too attached to sucking on your mounds by now. the lack of attention to your hard nipples got them too sensitive as you feel like screaming when farleigh tweaks one of them in between his fingers. he’s cupping one of your tits in his large hand while the other one bounces hard with each of his rapid thrusts up your sensitive walls. the sound of your ass slapping against his thighs fills the room as you start to feel your maybe 5th orgasm coming, having lost count- as his thrusts suddenly stop. “nooo,, no- please don’t make me” you start whining at the sudden stop of his movements, shaking your head helplessly to try to get him to change his mind. you know this move so well, he always make you do it when you’re on his lap.

he’s gonna make you fuck yourself on his cock.

“you know the drill pretty girl” his voice firm, not leaving any space for your antics. your head resting against his shoulder feels too heavy to be lifted off, but that’s just you being a brat. you show no signs of moving, with your arms flailing weakly in his embrace. you hear him let out a sigh before being followed by a low groan, lifting you off his lap and flipping you over. you’re now sprawled open in front of him, cold air grazing across your pussy makes you shiver. he pushes his weight down against your thighs with his hands, putting you in a mating press. all you got to do was let out a gasp before a harsh slap from his large hand stings across your face. “i gave you plenty of chances-” he lets out as you feel another slap lands on your cheek

“-but you never seem to appreciate them”

another slap. and another.

you’re moaning, enjoying being treated so harshly by him. as your tears stained cheeks turn red and a new stream of tears are threatening to spill, you try begging for mercy with a weak attempt, “mmh- please, farleigh,,”. your final whiny plea is immediately being cut short by another slap, this one stings especially hard, making you think that he hates you. he’s now grabbing at the flesh at the back of your thighs, fully pressing your thighs against your tits, before his hips start thrusting into your pussy again. wet, squelching sound bouncing off the walls as your wetness start splattering all over the sheets. the shame and humiliation makes you start sobbing again, your breathing heavy as you struggle to take his cock that’s protruding against your walls.

he notices your heavy breathing, yet he has no intentions of slowing down. “you’re breathing like you’re doing all the work, fuck— “ you hear him say. his thrusts after doesn’t last long before he immediately pulls out, his hand quickly reaching down to continue the pressure on his cock. “oh fuck. fuck, fuck—“, strings of curses leave his mouth. stroking his shaft with a tight fist, his pace rapid, desperate and sloppy before his hips begin to fuck into his fist, his balls slapping against his knuckles. “fffuck, fuck yes-” staggering moans spill out of his mouth, making him look pathetic. his voice almost cracks before he’s moving up your body, his hand still pumping his cock rapidly before he’s cumming, spurting warm seed all over your pretty face. it’s not as much as before, but your face’s still covered by his cum, your tongue licking away the drops landing on your lips. you hear him let out a deep sigh, heavy panting before collapsing onto your body.

inspecting his actions closely, your mind still hazy, your face messy with tear stained cheeks, with some still clinging onto your lashes. farleigh had wiped the remnants of his cum off your face, it was the first thing he did after coming back with a bowl of warm fresh water and a piece of cloth. he’s already dressed in his comfy clothes, carefully cleaning your skin with the warm soft cloth. he’s meticulous, like he always is with everything. you look to the side to see a glass of water and a mini chocolate bar that he’d fetched when he left the room which to be honest, you thought he was gonna leave you, all alone and still fragile. looking out the window, the sky’s already starting to gain its light as it’s starting to look a lighter shade of blue. he’s quiet, eyes focused as only his fingers are moving carefully, cleaning off every inch of your body. just as he makes sure you’re all clean and comfortable, you’re surprised when he crawls up closely beside you, snuggling down as he reaches for the soft comforter to wrap the both of you underneath it.

“i thought you were gonna leave”

“not gonna leave my girlfriend alone”

the name hits you like a boulder making you perk up, eyebrows knitted as you realised that you were never his girlfriend. you turn to face him who’s already near dozing off,

“please go to sleep” he mutters out his last words before dozing off for real, pulling you closer into his arms.

taglist: @r4vn @love-me-pls @radioloom @farleighlover @imjustheretoreadsmuthaha @luckystrikerealness @juniperhasfallen @themoonchildwhofell @khxna @fuckshitslover @szapizzapanda @inglourious-imagines

dividers by: @rookthornesartistry

[hijackalx]

GALE NSFW ALPHABET

A = Aftercare (what they're like after sex)

gale will insist on doing the clean-up himself. like cleaning up both u and him. it's just his gentlemanly nature 😇 i think he also will ramble about stuff completely unrelated while doing it too 😹😹 like while he's wiping off ur face or something with a warm rag he'll be saying shit like "hm. i wonder where tara is, haven't seen her in a while. probably off eating pigeons, i suppose" STOPP IM IN LOVE WITH HIM

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner's)

i think he's pretty proud of his shoulders. they have good width to them and idk they just look nice and stronk 💪🏻 as for his partner, he is a thigh man. he lovvessss thighs. will kiss and squeeze them while u sit on his face. also, if ur AFAB, he will not ever hesitate to grab a titty 🤭

C = Cum (anything to do with cum,

basically)

not getting any specific places where he likes to cum. i think he will cum anywhere as long as it's on/in u. waitttt he probably does like to cum in ur mouth doe. and maybe to smear it on ur lips a little like some lip gloss 😊 LMAO

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

lowkey think he's a little bit of a voyeur ooohhh nasty boy. idk like i think hes into watching/hearing other ppl fuck but he is deeply ashamed of this so dont ever bring it up 😹😹

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?)

dawg. nobody can convince me his first wasnt mystra. sooo.... not SUPER experienced in terms of like... numbers...... but him and mystra was doing some freak shit....... i just know it.......

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

ugh this is a good question. i think he likes cowgirl. u have to hold his hands tho and make eye contact with him or just forget it gurl 🙄✋ he likes to admire ur body and watch u use him to get off

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

okkk gale can be a little silly sometimes but are we surprised ?? HES ALWAYS SILLY !! i think he switches between serious and goofy. he takes mess-ups and embarrassing moments pretty well and will never make u feel bad over them 🥺 like he'll use humor to make u feel comfortable and safe I NEED HIMMMMM FUCK

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

yeah hes pretty hairy. i dont think his hair is EXTREMELY thick tho. like he has fine, kind of curly kind of straight body hair? not a lot on his chest but he does have a happy trail, pubes, ARMPIT HAIR ����, and leg and forearm hair. i think it looks rlly good on his forearms too eugh.......

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

he can be really romantic if he wants to (which is most of the time) but like i said he can also be unserious. but that doesnt make it less romantic i guess ???? anyway yeah he'll even plan everything out. like the type of dude to light candles and lay rose petals and shit 😹😹 probably likes to have some wine beforehand to get yall in the mood better too

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

he will but i dont think he does often. if ur an option he prefers that. if not theres like a 50/50 chance he'll beat off. lowkey feel like he might debate on whether or not its too much work and if he should just go to sleep instead LMAO WAIT PAUSSEEEEEE MAGE HAND ????? yeah...... yeah gurl. if hes feeling lazy thats how its gonna go. prolly will close his eyes and pretend its ur hand

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

normally somewhere secluded like in a room together on a bed but if hes feeling spicy then somewhere with the possibility of getting caught 😏 maybe on a balcony somewhere or IN THE FUCKING SKY

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

i think hes pretty sensitive and in tune to teasing glances or accidentally-on-purpose touches. wordddsss too bro. loves dirty talk so much. especially if ur the one to talk dirty to him. ugh ok gemini vibes yall? yes or yes? anyway whisper things in his ear or say suggestive things in front of other ppl, like innuendo shit 😹

N = No (something they wouldn't do, turn offs)

uhhh... umm.... uh

jk he wont do any noncon roleplay or anything like that. not sure if theres anything else tho 😭

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

wants to give and receive but has a preference for giving head like its probably his fav sex act 😭😭 yall know hes good af at it too and probably says nasty shit while hes doing it

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

he'll adjust depending on what u want. but if ur riding him he likes when ur more sensual that way he can admire ur body a little better

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

doesnt seem like a quickie guy to me. like i said he likes to plan it out most days.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

😐

yes. hes a freak yall

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

if he does most of the work then he wont want to go another round but if its u then he probably will. i think it just depends on his mood too. if ur not satisfied yet tho he will use mage hand or projection gale to help 😹😹

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

i think he likes to tease a generous amount. he can dish it out but cant take it tho he gets flustered pretty fast lol

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

not extremely loud but will moan/whimper whatever. hes not afraid to make noise like not ashamed at all but i dont see him being obnoxious lol. mostly just talks tho LMAO

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

hes pretty much always thinking nasty but not always horny. he just like me fr. prolly not trying to smash often tho cuz he likes to plan ahead and make everything perfect. will fuck maybe 3 days a week unless ur really raring to go 😭

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

will prolly catch up on a book afterwards for a while before going to sleep. this is so comforting to me tho like what? imagine being all fucked-out and snuggy while ur bae reads their lil book and looks after u while u sleep.... need

[analog-kidd]

If Tekken had Tumblr

🌩yggdrasil--official☑️ Follow

ok so it seems like it's impossible to kill heihachi at this point, but are we able to at least castrate him?

#bro has enough kids #and im lowkey kind of tired of finding out about long lost siblings

(40,221 notes)

🪵theancientdoll Follow

(man i love being an ancient sentient wooden training dummy😊 i hope no russian soldier rips my head off for their model kit)

🪆white-reaper-and-death Follow

hmm? >:)

🪵theancientdoll Follow

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(1,005 notes)

☯️kazama-son Follow

You know what? I've been feeling better about myself and my situation

🐂spanishbull42 Follow

Oh fuck off you warmongering shit eating asshole!! You killed people!!! YOU MURDERED MY SISTER!!!!

KILL YOUR SELF NOW!!!!!!!

🧡littlephoenixdance Follow

Hey!!!! Dont be mean :((( He said he was sorry :(((

🐼pandapandapandaland Follow

(Yeah don't be mean to Jin😡)

(331 notes)

🕺zum-zum-zum-capo Follow

Oof been so busy with dealing with gcorp stuff that I haven't had the time to do a lot things for *me* ya know?

😽luckykawaiigirl☑️ Follow

✨✨✨✨✨How about I help you get more free time by becoming one of my backup dancers (-‿◦☀) (づ ◕‿◕ )づ ✨✨✨✨✨

💃purplecapoeirista Follow

#goawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoaway #NOBODY LIKES YOU

(35,066 notes)

👠no1-williams-assassin Follow

Hmmmm haven't fucked with my younger sister in awhile… might do something about that

(83 notes)

🪶thestrongestmanintheworld Follow

ALRIGHT GUYS IMMA DO A BACK FLIP AND IT WILL BE AWSOME!!!!!!!!

🪶thestrongestmanintheworld Follow

HOPITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(30 notes)

🥷manji-ninja-samurai Follow

Fellow Tekkblr users!!! I am currently in a bit of a rut. I cannot think of what my next armor set will look like!!! So, out of the kindness of your hearts, will you help me with by giving me some ideas so I can finally start drafting the design!!

🥋polska-karate☑️ Follow

I recall that one of you previous armors was H. R. Giger inspired, correct? I suggest looking into the artist Zdzisław Beksiński, his art is similar to Giger but still quite unique and quite haunting.

🪆white-reaper-and-death Follow

beksinski's art is old and overrated, how about someone more modern like Vergvoktre.

🥋polska-karate☑️ Follow

Hmm is that so? Do you really think Yoshimitsu should take inspiration from a current day artist? Or is your distaste--since you called him overrated--for Beksiński's art is for a different reason?

🥷manji-ninja-samurai Follow

#pls no fighting guys :( #i already have people in my inbox arguing

(5,112 notes)

👿ceo-of-the-world☑️ Follow

Humanity sucks

I'm taking over the world

💜excellent-violet-guy☑️ Follow

Bro what is your problem????

👿ceo-of-the-world☑️ Follow

(57,119 notes)

🔮tarot-and-more Follow

Ugh, doing readings and fortunes has been a lot more difficult with Azazel always getting in my way and knocking things over.

🔮tarot-and-more Follow

To everyone asking for pictures of my cat, I regret that I have to inform you all that Azazel is not my cat.

Azazel is an ancient demon that is sealed within my left arm.

🌠theshootingstarofitaly Follow

Ah such a predicament you are in Zafina

🔮tarot-and-more Follow

I don't think christposting is going to help my situation Claudio but I appreciate the sentiment I guess.

#also I don't think that verse relates to my situation #but I'm not christian so I'm not too sure

(3,103 notes)

🚀the-better-williams-sis Follow

MY FACKING TOLET BLEW UP!!!?????!!!?!??!??!!?

#SHIT IS EVERYWWHERRE #NINA WHEN I GET MY FACKING HANDS ON YOU

(441 notes)

🍜normalguyforest Follow

Am... I... the only person whose dad is still alive??? Cause it certainly feels like that,,,

👠no1-williams-assassin Follow

Yep

🦵️mrtaekwondomaster Follow

Yep

🐆kingofwrestling-2 Follow

Yep

🌲savethetrees--official☑️ Follow

I was abandon as a baby so idk if my bio dad is still alive

but I was adopted by a single woman so I dont have a "father" in a sense

🦚️hotgirlshit Follow

im also adopted but i know that my bio parents are fr dead

my adopted dad he's uhhhh

🦚️hotgirlshit Follow

well hes not dead but hes uhhhhhh yeah…

💎gn-spelunker Follow

uhhh I found my dad who I thought was dead

👿ceo-of-the-world☑️ Follow

I wish my dad was dead.

#hate you old man why cant you fucjing DIE

(8,445 notes)

⚡️the-invincible-mishima☑️ Follow

I don't know why everyone wants to kill me I am such a likable guy

☯️kazama-son Follow

No you're fucking not

🥋polska-karate☑️ Follow

No you're fucking not

💜excellent-violet-guy☑️ Follow

No you're fucking not

🌩yggdrasil--official☑️ Follow

No you're fucking not

🤖bot-conovitch Follow

No you're fucking not

🍃theolderchang Follow

No you're fucking not

(183,447 notes)

✊tekkblr-staff☑️

Don't ask us for shit

(600,778 notes)

[crguang]

Okay sat, I might’ve forgotten to my anon mark at the end of my last message aand I’ve reread part 4 like 5 times, but still, 

what the fuck, literally was thinking abt it in all my classes. And I will be yapping, as I guessed.

First of all, fuck Kafka really wish I was tbh she is so annoying, like just assuming r isn’t that upset, like they’re just having a little argument when r is grappling w the fact that they fell for a criminal, and literally killed their coworkers and a ton of other people, she is pissing me off. Also the stuff abt Kafka and her nihilism…giving me some thoughts. Btw have himeko and Kafka encountered each other in this, or has Himeko just heard abt her? And shes so nice, calling r everyday and being so understanding…

I can’t imagine what Kafka did when she found out she got blocked. Her going to text u and then realizing she’s blocked…kafka pausing when she sees that r blocked her. Kafka waiting to get unblocked as she orders gifts for u, who keeps checking her phone for messages from u as she sends more gifts, reminiscing abt when your first met in the store, silver wolf and blade noticing how Kafka seems to be waiting for smth, Kafka who decides to text you on an encrypted number to see how you’re doing, Kafka who sees that she isn’t forgiven and orders so many fucking flowers bc she didn’t know ur favorite. Ugh I can imagine her bringing all of them into r’s house, god she’s pathetic, I need to kiss her so bad so she shuts the fuck up.

anyway I may or may not have started writing a Kafka fic 👀 tbh I don’t rlly read romance novels so idk how the typical academic rivals thing usually works, trope wise. For some reason I keep fixating on her fucking nails. Like to me, she has them manicured all fancy, but Im fairly certain shorter not manicured nails are better for fingering. On her violin ofc, obviously. I played cello middle and high school, and I kept them long, bc I liked scratching people don’t ask I was a strange kid, but I feel like she’d keep them short bc she’s rlly serious abt it. Also Kafka is so dislikable, her ego is so big, and she’s always calm, like if she didn’t look like she was trying and still top of the class it’d piss me off too 😭

Also in the wardence event rn, I haven’t played it bc I’ve been sleeping or smth like that, but silver wolf shows up 😭 like ik it makes the most sense, since she has holograms but Kafka showed up as a hologram once ok 😭 but what silver said is like “i heard u we’re joining the wardence, and two whose names I won’t mention insisted I go check on you. Why couldn’t they do it themselves.” Ugh Kafka is so obvious it’s actually gonna kill me. And yes wtf couldn’t Kafka have showed up, she’s worth like 11 billion, so ik she can’t show up all the but cmon. 

-🌠

hehfjfjgjfjfj posting a new chapter and having ppl go “man fuck kafka” is funny as hell because honestly, yeah, fuck her😭 i think it was important for me to portray how her personality can be irritating in certain contexts and how being with her really wouldn’t be bliss all the time cause she doesn’t deal with emotions much, and that includes others’. she’s not totally detached from them which is why she does try but it’s very clumsy. it’ll be elaborated on in the next part but in her mind she really has picked the best outcome here and even if she was acting in her own interest, she was protecting R, she’s just an information hoarder. being on the opposite side means you dont know wtf is going on in her head and cant explain her behavior as anything else but “she doesn’t give a shit about me”. it’s an interesting situation to write that’s for sure but im glad that her efforts, though genuine, make yall feel irritated bc thats the point hehe

what i wrote about kafka’s nihilism was not entirely true, and i did it on purpose because R doesn’t know her. i do think that nihilism/finality creates a certain distance between her and accountability. when you tell yourself that this outcome was always a possibility, that it could have happened anyway, the choice you make is no longer fully yours which means that the consequences aren’t fully on your shoulders as well. i think that makes it easier for the stellaron hunters to do what they do, that and the goal they’re working towards that is supposedly the best outcome for humanity. but kafka is anything but passive. she is not “subjected” to things, she has an active role in her future and the ones of the millions of people that it touches within the constraints of destiny. i think with nihilism it’s easy to fall into a state of learned helplessness, where you suffer through the things happening to you because “nothing matters” and “it was going to happen anyway”, but kafka is not like that at all. “if destiny doesn’t propel me forward, i’ll be the one to push destiny”— this is what she does, so describing her as a drop in the ocean isnt entirely accurate because she’s making waves. R will learn that

himeko and kafka have crossed paths canonically before the trailblazer so it’s the same in this. i like that himeko has an opinion of kafka that has been cemented through their brief meetings over the time. in that one “keeping up with star rail” where kafka’s kit is presented, hime has a lot of shit to say about her 😭 all bad. she’s also aware that kafka plays mind games in it so really for her to hear “kafka manipulated me” was like “fork found in kitchen” there’s no surprise there. one of my favorite qualities in hime is her understanding and ability to understand multiple perspectives at once, it develops her already deep empathy and its just very admirable. shes a very soft character, i love her

AND YESSSSS SHE DEFINITELY REACTED LIKE THAT TO BEING BLOCKED HDJFJFKKG she stared at her phone like “oh. they’re really mad” and decided to give them a few days to cool off which is why she sent the first gift and after that she’d be wondering whether to text you or not for like a week; would open her phone, type in your number, pause for ten seconds then go “they’re probably still upset” and send another gift. silver wolf would be like “damn youre on your phone as often as i am. whats wrong with you” and firefly’s eventually the one telling her to go there herself to apologize and not wtv tf shes doing which is why kafka finally texts 😭 shes funny asf. the sheer ridiculousness of ordering hundreds of flowers and taking over half an hour to place them inside your apartment (that she technically broke into) to surprise you is so patheticcccc i would have swooned a bit im sorry. like omg youre pathetic get out of my house but also kiss me before you go… “forget it i’ll just get all of them” can she die 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

aaaaa im glad you have time to write the academic rivals au!! typically people have the rivals work together in some sort of assigned group project to force them to interact together but you can go about it differently, like one of them’s practicing for a big piece and the other gets to the practice room too late but but the others are taken and they have to practice the same thing anyway so might as well. or the mc is struggling and kafka happens to pass by and give her some (snarky) pointers which turns into her showing her how its done and the mc actually learning from her (which would make me homicidal). they could also just happen to meet outside of the school context and start developing a new relationship that way. do what feels right!! and yeah, kafka’s nonchalance makes it seem like shes effortlessly good when in reality she takes that shit seriously and practices often😭 it’d still piss me off tho idc

silver wolf showed up in the other event and its just so ridiculous how they always have her everywhere man😭 like fine she’s always keeping up with new games coming out and shit but would it kill them to show kafka once im gonna tear my hair out, we even got to text firefly during the wardance like im gonna screammmm. but kafka and her sending SW to check ip on the tb is so stupid they care so bad😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 typical of kafka not to show or text herself i need to strangle her. the lufou hates her tho so it’s WHATEVER.

[just-call-mefr1es]

lil infodump bout that band camp tbp au i made within my head because @staggersz is keeping me hostage🫶🏽 /j

so, im not all that familiar with band camps in general, i just know its like summer camp,,,,,, but instruments,,, so yeah really interesting. i’m pretyyyy sure that band camp becomes available when honour band becomes available because they handed out scholarships for band camp (or whatever) when i was in honour band so yeah. not sure if its different in the states but oh well (im canadian)

alright alrigth,, so i dont have a deadset outlook on the au yet (just silly thoughts and ideas) womp womp for me. i mostly have down the instruments from that post i made about guessing what instrument they would play, if you wanna know what instruments they have but dont wanna scroll thru my blog to find the post (dont blame you) just send an ask xx

what i have so far: bruce definitely got a scholarship. not sure if they do that in U S and an A but whatever if they dont. making this up as i go along, dont judge. anygays, if band camps are still following ‘typical summer camp culture’, with the bunks, cabins and shit (ill do research later sjsjsj) then boom. all basement boys™️ (or should i say,, BANDboys.. haha im so funny) are sharing a bunk. yipee. theyre also probably separated by gender so gwen n amy’ll share a cabin^^

just realized i forgot donna (IM SO SORRY) bass clarinet. no arguments? no arguments.

kk, so bruce has definitely been going to band camp for a while, perhaps vance as well. OOO what if they bickered. haha mutual-dislike-towards-one-another to okay-we-can-work-together-for-the-sake-of-our-cabin to hey-you’re-actually-kinda-cool to friends to wait-a-damn-minute, so on and so forth???? hell yeah actually

AAAAA THE IDEAS ARE FLOODING INNNxkmskddmmddmd what if,, because band camp open to everyone n shit (i caANT WORD UGH),, what if finney n robin were childhood friends, one moved (idk which one) then they reunited at band camp⁉️⁉️⁉️ rinney enthusiasts better take that and run idk what else to do

as much as i love griffin, i have no idea- wait nevermind i do and im too lazy to rewrite thst sentence. cause i gave him an older sister (ocs, they are old yes, but i dont care. will talk about them later) no doubt she joined, he just wanted to be with his sister for the summer. okay yeah that works. same could go for billy, since i reduced him to middle child status (sorry my guy) but i feel like he just joined for funsies.

okay thats all my brain can think about for now, im gonna create an animatic in my head then cry about it for an hour now byeee

[bulbabutt]

yooooooo all i do lately is vent vent vent uhhh

itsssss really annoying to feel traumatized over shit that doesnt actually matter at all but you cant feel like a person who functions cuz of it

like. mkay, few years ago i did a stupid thing which was uh. pre coming out but post taking testosterone tell this girl ('girl' she was older than me, im an adult but sos she) i that i was trans. then that i had a crush on her. like a fucking idiot, i was like 'girl pretty girl nice maybe i can finally have something'

and the thing was like. we had this lax fucking job that didnt matter, we were both basically running this shitty lil store nobody came in for the christmas season. and like i had admitted id never done anything, but i should have noticed it was gonna be weird quicker, cuz while she was understanding of like 'ok yeah youre a dude i get that' it was. hmm. it wasnt really like she felt like that, and she didnt notice so much that shit she would say hurt my feelings. like this was so unserious honestly, but uh the thing abt taking t in your mid 20s is youre like... right im... im going through a literal puberty and being stupid as a teenager. im bad with expressing my feelings normally cuz of that.

anyway. it was a fling really. it was stupid and shouldnt have happened, and it probably hurt me more than i thought, but she got like... jealous of one of the employees who id known from a prev job... who to me was like. literally a child (cuz like, id known her since she was) and that made me feel so weird, cuz i was like ?? why the hell would i be thinking about her like that i havent done ANYTHING that would make you think that. and hello i only said i liked you ? but then i guess the age gap was the same in her eyes and so that might have been why she thought that. but like pfft if youre ~25 dating a ~30 yr old its whatever thats normal. going the other way gets weirder ESP if uh. HELLO i was this kids boss?? that was so weird that she felt like that. i guess cuz i was just better at getting along w people younger than me, as someone who isnt a TRUE millennial, someone whos pop culture references lean gen z or whatever. idk i just know kids like my vibe for some reason. there was NEVER anything else going on i was just... being chill? but that was enough to cause jealousy.

but like yeah theres only so many 3 weeks in 'i dont think this is a good idea i think im bad for you' texts you can get before you just go 'yeah you know what i dont wanna do this anymore actually thats fine no hard feelings'

but i tend to be a person who just cant socialize with people for long periods of time, i ghost people a lot, i dont have a history of having friends i dont know how to maintain relationships, but also i really didnt want to at this point. i felt really gross about it and embarrassed for putting myself out there and admitting a secret about myself.

anyway next year rolls around and i see her at the next job season and she tells me she and another coworker found my tiktok page (cuz shit forcibly adding your contacts IS THE DEVIL) and uh. she had to explain to said coworker that i was trans. which. felt like shit. obviously. i was still not out.

anyway THAT person was a piece of shit who talked down to me and acted like i was terrible at my job and brought aLL the personal shit up as if i had ever trusted HER with any of it. like using my new chosen name in texts and shit to call me out for nothing. i had to give her a fucking 'excuse me, you dont get to call me that i never fucking told you that and its WEIRD that you think you get to call me that just cuz you invaded my privacy.'

she literally told both my bosses about all my private shit with this girl. like all that stupid bullshit about how we had dated and it didnt go well, she spread my private shit. and like... it all... ugh. like i got told by said bosses 'hey. none of what she said is important at all dont even worry about it.' and i really appreciated that. but that year was so bad for me, i felt like i was being watched like everything i did was being misconstrued. everything blew up so fast if there was something sma,, and it was 100% that person making it worse.

next year i just came out finally just was like. yeah alright. got a beard now, had my tits removed, might as well. and everyone was chill. personal beef spreading bitch didnt come back (the bosses were glad of that) shit was chill. was on friendly terms with "ex" being normal, never had any beef that year. was very much a 'the beef we had the previous year was this bitch egging her on'. i was partially running store. everything was fine i thought.

next year. as it turns out? was not asked to help run store that year. was very confused, there was a slot to fill that no one else could and i wasnt asked to do it. instead they had this absolute bigot who made everyone and i mean EVERYONE who worked there so uncomfortable, abusive language bigoted talk, wouldnt let people leave if they were sick ass piece of shit.. yeah he got the job. and everyone complained, but hes friends with the boss so whatever.

anyway reached my wits end. quit mid season. was fine, i was moving anyway, it was whatever.

you know why i wasnt asked to have that job? cuz the ex. for some reason without thinking, said 'yeah ill come back but i dont want him to be in charge after last year'. and she... never told me there was any problem. and that hurt me so bad. like talking to other people who were there, it all seemed like... okay, i was good at my job and would just.. act like a boss and not a friend sometimes. like be the guy going 'hey can you like. go do __ i need to count the till i dont have time to hear your funny joke rn'. and she took it personally. like its fine if youre sensitive to stuff, but i was under so much stress a lot and i dont always handle it well.

and that beef she had that she didnt tell me about turned into me losing a job, losing my sanity, feeling utterly betrayed and forcing everyone else who worked there to deal with the biggest pos as a boss with no repercussions. i heard from people post quitting i was being talked shit about by my prev bosses TO the employees. for the crime of... complaining about a bigot. who was misgendering me, being racist to other employees, making the teens feel unsafe to be around. like this was a SCREAMING old man kind of shit.

and all because the ex, initially, made a comment about not wanting me to be in charge. and i just... i really dont even know what i did. it was so underhanded. and when i asked her about it, she just said 'no i didnt say i WOULDNT work under you i just said i HOPED you wouldnt be in charge, and weeks later i asked why you werent in charge' but like??? no. you literally said something that cost me a job. you did. theres no taking that back, you didnt tell me any beef you had with me, you clearly equated job stress with personal stress. you cost me a job! YOU did that you set off a chain of events! and like i cant even begin to explain how much i helped her with shit at jobs. like i kind of took all the responsibility but we were both being paid the same. i would get called every day by her being confused by things while i was at home and help walk her through shit. it was fine, i was stressed but i was fine i never held it against her!

and she like. blew up that entire shit. that whole job i loved got blown up cuz i thought i trusted a person. like was it entirely her fault? obviously not. but that kind of shit.. it just hurt. the idea that i trusted her with my own shit years ago, then time and time again that blew up in my face until i just cant look back at any of it happily anymore makes me so upset. 8 years of a job i loved w a friend, and it all got ruined cuz i said 'hey by the way, im trans' and that spiralled into something stupid.

and i havent had a job since for SOOOOOOME REASON..... i sit at home doing fuck all cuz i cant stand the idea of being around anybody again. i dont trust anybody. i dont feel safe talking to people, being in public, having a job... its so stupid and i hate everything.

also the whole. got clocked and almost punched had my 6 ft brother not been standing near me at the time thing. so now i am uh. just completely agoraphobic.

anyway. sorry i am just in a bad place lately.

[g0dtier]

the list that makes me and @dentist-brainsurgeon mortal enemies from now on i guess

extremely lengthy explanations under the cut:

i actually think the S+A tier speak for themselves?

S tier: the goats. im aware its full of third versions but they just happen to be extremely good and added some insane shit to already solid base games (ok diamond and pearl werent solid but the foundation was there). replayability is insane for these.

A tier: the Oh Fuck Yeah games. not in any particular order actually. hgss is absolutely the best remake of all, only held back by the few inherent flaws of the Johto region and by not emulating Crystal enough. as much as i like bw, reverting back to only one region of pokemon never sat right by me, but it's been a while since ive played it, and nowadays i make much more of an effort to try out all new mons. so i could change my mind on this.

i liked usum more than sun/moon, if only for the post game. replayability isnt as high because of the cutscenes every 3 steps, and rotom dex is annoying as shit. aside from that, insanely solid story & postgame imo. red/blue and gold/silver are brimming with weird places in their regions and are chock full of in game lore and legends, which i really like. the ruins of alph & pokemon tower are some of the best locations theyve ever made imo

B tier is the "good but couldve been better" tier. lets go is insane for shiny hunting, but it stops at that imo. the new rival is garbo. sun and moon are good, but the postgame + alola in general is just lacking enough in these games that they dont reach A tier for me. loveeed the island challenges tho. alola itself has just such a good vibe. you really feel like its about community rather than competition. legends arceus couldve been insanely good, but i have never felt as ripped out of a pokemon game as i did when i walked through that cave in the coronet region and started seeing stray pixels around my character. which wasnt a one time thing btw this happens to anyones game & every time as far as ive seen. its gonna sound dramatic but this combined with other graphics glitches made it so clear i was playing a game that it just took me out of the adventure entirely. this is where the graphics glitches really started, and they havent stopped since.

C tier: yellow is just kinda there? i dont care for starter pikachu. i want to, but it gets killed when breathed at, so. idk. the gimmick doesnt work that well for me. sword and shield introduced some insane mons that i love and i want to call it solid real bad, but the story was hot garbage even for pokemon standards, and while the wild area was a great idea, the execution was lacking & because what i assume is a time crunch, the towns were boring as shit as well. diamond & pearl are mediocre to bad, with a great story and mediocre to bad execution, and i shouldve put oras in the :( tier, but the postgame is worth it.

actually im gonna rant about oras. i was so hyped for it but, just, ugh. if youre gonna turn a 2d vague not-specified-what-a-character-is-doing-or-feeling player character to 3d, at least do it correctly. 2d sprites where someone can fill in the blanks not seen on screen but hinted at in text (ie expressions, actions like handing someone something) work infinitely better than 3d sprites who show it badly. also still suffers from the desaturation curse that the 3ds games suffer from. postgame was dope, though. shame the mega latis are ugly as shit.

:( tier: garbage, im so sorry. SV's only redeeming factor is the area zero story. there is nothing else in the game that held my attention. fuck the star team, fuck the big pokemon quests, fuck the towns where you cant talk to anyone or find anything interesting or walk into a house and where every shop looks the game. fuck stores not even having an interior anymore. fuck this larger but emptier and stripped down world full of graphical glitches. fuck the weak ass gyms, fuck geeta, and fuck terrastalizing most of all. i will die for Koraidon & the professor fight fucking ruled but that's all the game had to it for me. do any of yall remember the gym leaders besides like, iono and the snowboard man? no you dont, stop lying to me. gen I put more life into lavender town by making a npc reference some ghost hand on your shoulder than SV does for any town, and they only had black and white 32mb cartridges or whatever to work with. for fucking shame gamefreak. give your devs some time to make a halfway functioning game.

firered and leafgreen do nothing new. i will not discuss the sevii islands. what the fuck even was that. boring. same with brilliant diamond and shining pearl. theyre lower than diamond and pearl because why the fuck did they not decide to remake platinum. what the hell was their damage. seriously platinum was RIGHT there. i caught a full odds shiny ghastly in that game and i still dont care about it.

X&Y suffers from. everything.

[catty-words]

Oh! The mustache thing and David. Okay, okay. It still feels kinda weird to say someone is racist over this, but yeah, now that you point it out I see it. I had a childhood friend who got in a foreign exchange student program for a year in high school and when she came back she told us how since the gringos couldnt say her name properly they just defaulted to calling her "Brazil" 😑

I feel a bit called out about twitter, even if its true and I'm only there cuz I'm an addict being held hostage. I've also curated my fandom experience, but I was really needing more info and saw stuff that bummed me out while researching 🥲🥲 I dont mind seeing people criticize characters cuz like we are all entitled to our opinion even if I disagree, but I guess it kinda shocked me still. I guess I forgot about how in some ship wars I participated in when I was 13 some people would call the other characters rapists and stuff after being away from typical fandom toxicity for so long lol.

About the tone shift: yeah I did, but it didnt feel "drastic", just different. In a bad way. Like one of the first metas I read talked about how Devi lacked autonomy in season two and I was like YES THAT WAS WHAT I WAS THINKING even thought not really I was just "wait why is this feeling a bit off... weird... let me play the next episode and just hope is merely a vibe" I dont hate season 2 as much as you seem to, however season 1 and 3 are indeed superior. Season 3 is my favorite out of the three because I really like how the characters matured. A favorite episode is probably 1x10, like the scene of Nalini with dr. Ryan moves me, then Ben driving cackles me up, then I back to being moved by them spreading Mohan ashes with beautiful day playing, then boys like you as "you stayed" and benvi kiss and paxton calling and back to the kiss and I'm like OMG WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO I HAVE CLASS TOMORROW AND ITS ALMOST TWO BUT FUCK I NEED TO KEEP WATCHING THIS. I always feel like that when I'm rewatching even if it's not two am and I dont have class the next day lmao

You are going to think I'm super horny but probably "why don’t you show me the bitty spark you’ve been saving for his mattress?". It's the one I reread the most after all. The awkwardness of the situation?? Their great characterization??? Devi having no idea of what to do with Ben of all people making her feel like that??? Fab and Eleanor still unsure about him at school and being cutely protective of Devi??? Ugh, just kill me already (please dont)

"you're gonna fall (but i'll catch you)" is also great! I love to read adults au for shows about hs characters and hs aus for shows about adult characters idk why but there are not enough adult aus for nhie in my opinion and yours is my fave!!! Plus Ben being so into stories is adorable as someone who really sees herself in Abed Nadir. Plus the way is not just about their romance but also Devi dealing with grief and her complicated relationship with her mother and self destructive tendencies and... ugh I just love it.

It still feels kinda weird to say someone is racist over this, but yeah, now that you point it out I see it. - i think the disconnect comes from the way fandom uses words like 'racist' to build cases about how it's Objectively Wrong for anyone to like a certain character, whereas the word itself applies to a whole spectrum of behavior and morality. like, it shouldn't actually be that uncomfortable to admit that ben can be and is sometimes racist, he is a walking definition of privilege. him internalizing racist sentiment should hardly be surprising. but it also doesn't make him irredeemable scum. he's obviously a really caring character, as well.

on a related note, yikes @ those students who committed micro-aggressions to your childhood friend. as they get further and further into their life, may they reflect and do better rather than double-down.

I dont mind seeing people criticize characters cuz like we are all entitled to our opinion even if I disagree, but I guess it kinda shocked me still. I guess I forgot about how in some ship wars I participated in when I was 13 some people would call the other characters rapists and stuff after being away from typical fandom toxicity for so long lol. - i get it, i get it. for me, there need exist a gaping divide between exposing myself to critical or even harsh reads of characters i love and/or identify with for the sake of refining my own read of the text and giving the time of day to people who aren't engaging sincerely with the text. protect yourself in the echo-chamber!

About the tone shift: yeah I did, but it didnt feel "drastic", just different. In a bad way. - VINDICATION

but jfgdf - I dont hate season 2 as much as you seem to - i feel compelled to clarify that it's not that i hate season two, not really. it's more that the season let me down and then, by nature of netflix shows' release schedules being what they are, forced me to sit with that disappointment for over a year. it's that i love season one SO MUCH, i couldn't reconcile how much i didn't vibe with season two. on paper, you're right, the tone difference is not drastic, but the emotional response it elicited in me definitely was.

and I'm like OMG WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO I HAVE CLASS TOMORROW AND ITS ALMOST TWO BUT FUCK I NEED TO KEEP WATCHING THIS. I always feel like that when I'm rewatching even if it's not two am and I dont have class the next day lmao - i love you for this, and 1.10 is such a valid choice she really is That Bitch

You are going to think I'm super horny but probably "why don’t you show me the bitty spark you’ve been saving for his mattress?". - first of all, embrace the horny within. it's important to the show that you do, we're in the spirit of the source material here! second of all, this choice makes me really happy because i love that fic and generally speaking, people are a little shier about giving feedback on smut but, like, that's hands down some of my best writing (both for d/b and more generally). so. thank you.

Fab and Eleanor still unsure about him at school and being cutely protective of Devi??? - you may already know that i'm writing a long-form follow-up with 'bitty spark' acting as the prologue since it sounds like you picked through my blog a bit and i feel like i never shut up about the sequel BUT ANYWAY one of the best parts about it is ben finding himself enmeshed in the girl squad, if i do say so myself. (x)

I love to read adults au for shows about hs characters and hs aus for shows about adult characters idk why but there are not enough adult aus for nhie in my opinion and yours is my fave!!! - okay, well now i'm going to think about you every time i read an adult AU for a high school show or a high school AU for an adult show.

thank you for fueling my vanity and for stopping by my askbox in the first place!

[gurugirl]

i’ve been meaning to give a mini update but haven’t really got the time so i’m just gonna bulk it up here. yasss if you don’t mind

BASICALLY!

you got mini promo in my critical thinking lecture bc we were learning about Buddhist philosophy and my professor was like yeah these stories usually have a ✨guru ✨ and i was like OMG I KNOW HA! so yeah that whole week you were living rent free in my mind like woah!

and then i started talking to this person, not talking in like a omg this has the potential to be something more bc now that i think about it… i think i might be aromantic or something or it could just be that i have some like unresolved deep rooted subconscious trauma i need to work through to feel comfortable being vulnerable around someone… let alone a MAN ugh. anyways yeah the thing is when i told my roomies that this person may be idk have the intentions of being more than friends i got this feeling my roommate might have feelings for this person so i was like woah i need to back tf off. like to me if they did have feelings i would’ve used it as a way to get my virginity over and done with like GET HER OUT OF HERE! but now i’m setting up that boundary and i tell my roommate like girl you need to do something about this crush and she’s like no no you texted first and i was like GIRL I DONT LIKE THEM! but yeah i’ve hung out with them like twice and yeah im not feeling it at all, call me fucked up but they’re just too nice, it’s like they’re beating around the bush with me and prioritizing my feelings like hello? that’s not how i work, i’m so indecisive don’t put every decision we make on me yk? and they’re also very feminine which i feel really bad about saying bc they’re non-binary/ gender fluid but i tend to be attracted to more masculine/dominant energy (hence why i love your shit hello? 😋)

this is my finals week too and i just had my first final for chemistry and i just know that shit was bad like tell me why i guessed on 3/4 of that exam 😭 and then after i was done i turned on my phone to see messages from my study group saying they’re outside the building to celebrate… EXCUSE ME?! CELEBRATE WHAT EXACTLY?! i flopped. f for fail? more like f for FLOP! but yeah i have a bio exam tmrw and im not feeling it! like whyyyyyy! this is what i get for being a stem major like-

also! i read your new story and OH MY GOD! i love how harry like kinda knew she was reluctant bc of him so he like took the time to play with her a bit! AND I LOVE HOW YOURE BROADENING YOUR WRITING CATALOGUE! like ugh i love your creative growth, going from stories where y/n is submissive to somewhat dominant (stepmom) and then from having a third party being submissive (angel from profrry) to them being a potential dominant figure it’s so exciting! i love how you’re dipping your toes in different writing ponds UGH! i’m so excited to see what’s to come!

Ahh oh my gosh, babe! Love the update and I'm so flattered you were thinking of me during your critical thinking lecture 🤭😇

And I love that you're in stem! I'm so impressed 😍 Love that! Good luck this week to you! I finished my last final today (early) so I'm done until Spring semester starts 🎉

As for this person you've been talking to, yeah it really just sounds like you're not into them, which is fine. If you're not feeling it then that's okay. There has to be some attraction and connection and you just don't have it. They're probably better off just being your friend.

Thank you so much for saying all that about my writing! I really like trying new things so I'm happy you appreciate it 🥰

xoxo

[wolfstrong]

Buffy season 1 reflection!!!!!!!!!

My feelings on Buffy so far are very complicated because I find it crazy entertaining but there are so many things in the show that I just KNOW are terrible. I really enjoy the character dynamics its probably my favorite thing about the show. I find it endlessly funny that Giles has to hang out with a group of teenagers, and (when xander isn't making it weird) the main group is super cute and funny together. Also really like the setting, highschool shenanigans are always fun and idk it just seems like it would have been very cool to be a teen in the 90s. Also I like monster of the week stuff with a more overarching plot, you can kind of just enjoy things as they come and have the security that it's pretty much always gonna be resolved by the end of the episode. FOR WHAT I DONT LIKE. well "Buffy Speak" is annoying. like I'm getting more used to it and even able to find it charming at some points but BOY when i started the show it was almost making it unwatchable. i can see myself liking it by the end of the series but for now lets just be a little annoyed with it. Other thing that really gets me is the buffy/xander/willow love... line? idk i think i could stand it if xander didn't pine over buffy and wasn't weird to girls because he's very weird to girls. Somehow buffy manages to be like girlboss feminism win while also being the most sexist show every created. and maybe that was just like the era but yeah i don't enjoy watching male characters I'm supposed to like perv out over women.

Character Thoughts

Buffy- shes so awesome like honestly!! i like that she lives this very bad ass life and like we the viewer know how cool she is because we see her do all these bad ass things, but to the rest of the school shes just kinda like this weirdo kid who hangs out in the library. it kind of makes her an honorary fail girl in my opinion. And just her whole attitude of wanting to be a normal teenage girl so when it comes time to slay monsters shes like "ugh. guess its monster slaying time! whatever!" and acts bad ass as hell but doesn't really care. also its just awesome that she is physically super strong. like she will just randomly be punching through walls and doing sick backflips. ugh i love it

Giles- I. LOVE. GILES. im a Giles fangirl all the way like what else is there even to say about it. When he comes on screen I'm just like instantly smiling. funniest character ever invented. And again i just love that he has to hang out with teenagers all the time and sometimes they just like bully him for being old and lame and into books and he's constantly getting beat up and thrown around. yeah i don't even have much to say he's just awesome

Willow - Literally the blueprints for dorky nerdy girls everywhere like what else is there to say. we all know she is literally BEYOND iconic. Shes so cute and smart and charming and like honestly its like. how many girl in media really DO get to just be dorky like its pretty rare i feel like that's why its like. she was the blueprint man.

Xander - ... yes my complicated feelings yes yes. he's soooooo annoying and fail but... you know i like when guys are fail guys.. BUT HES ALMOST TOO FAIL. of course like i already said i hate the way he acts to women and when buffy rejected him and he acted super pissy and like "ugh whatever you only don't like me because you like that chad Angel ugh nice guys always finish last" I literally wanted him dead. so beyond cringe with that kind of behavior. BUT when he's like being sweet and goofy then I'm like.. aw hi funny guy from the 90s lol! and i do think his relationship with willow CAN be super cute cuz idk i just like the whole childhood friends vibe and i like that they have a relationship outside of their time with buffy and its nice to get little glimpses of them together just being buddies. I think the whole situation would be 100% better if xander was pining for willow instead of Buffy and willow was the oblivious one. I am not against their relationship at all i just hate to see willow be the one pinning for him cuz its like girl. you can literally do better okay. you are awesome. whatever. sorry for being a halfway Xander apologist

Cordelia- literal girlboss. every time shes on the screen its a treat. I just love the vibe where she is like?? friends with the main characters kind of? but also just bullies the shit out of them and is so mean in every interaction. see the thing is if they were't friends at all she just wouldn't talk to them or they wouldn't talk to her. but they always end up talking so there is obviously some kind of relationship there. but its just like one where she calls them losers and they are like "alright. well see you next week cordelia" If you are a hater and think shes mean get out of my face shes literally awesome and funny. also in the final when she drove her car thought the school doors... SO . GIRLBOSS. i am very excited to see where her character goes cuz i got the feeling at some point shes gonna turn into some kinda supernatural monster. i just feel it.

Angel - eh lowkey who cares. I am never one to be interested in the mysterious brooding guys its just not my thing. He reminds me of Edward from twilight both in face and attitude and because he's a vampire of course lol

Episodes

Honestly they were all kind of of equal quality. Nothing was so horrible I couldn't stand it they were all just good. One that kind of stood out as a favorite was "I robot, you jane", it was nice to have something more willow focused and it was very funny to see what people thought of the internet back then. Willow kind of online dating a guy was enough to make everyone freak the fuck out. And i really really love the way the demon robot looked. the idea of a demon existing on the web was just a cool idea in general. idk just a cool way of combining the supernatural with tech stuff

idk just look at this guy and tell me this isn't awesome

.... okay then... see yall in season 2!!!

[gayspock]

ok some thoughts

ok i do have complicated feelings on nat's death. firstly like air this one out rq: real fucking fuming that some ppl serioussllyyyyy are attacking freaking juliette for it, like? ok.... so your response to "its really fucked up that they killed nat who had finally found peace and was starting to overcome her addiction etc." was to attack the actress who has every right to leave a job if she wants to. i guess in other news 1+1=4.

but anyways sigh i have mixed feelings like.... i think theres a Part of me that kind of. ok. super unpopular opinion bc i know this ME & my own cyncism and "issues" or whatever & kinda shy to say this both bc it makes me look edgy as fuck but also like.... idk as someone whos had mental health problems, lets say, and has sort of resigned to this idea of like. oh i died a long time ago & theres a point in my life where i just think i stayed , and i dont think theres any way of going back, something something about living on borrowed time and it feeling meaningless . or whatever. stares at you pretend i didnt say all that. my point is i dont know i kind of- its bc i dont wannaaaa say ppl cant recover, that natalie was too far gone, this that and the other, bc i dont think you can make those judgements abt others (fictional or not) only yourself but... idk my point is. i fuckin get it when shes on the plane like that, as shes dying or just dying when she felt like she should have bc ever since its just been fucking horrible and well okay. sorry man i do kinda feel it even though i acknowledge its a shitty message.

i dont think it helps either that her "recovery arc" wadnt my favourite not bc i like. AGAIN im not saying this bc i dont think you can recover or get better its more like.. i was never a fan of the execution of it. i felt like it happened a bit too fast, and i would have preferred more scenes with natalie and lottie rather than natalie and lisa and natalie and the rest of the cult and i feel like that would have been more powerful to me bc the cult themselves feel kind of just... underdeveloped, and very much functional as a means for lottie and whats going on with her . i fully expect them to never be mentioned again after some point and to be completely ignored with the way this show has been going

and like i dont mind lisa that much but i dont now im kinda uninterested in characters that just get introduced and we immediately get SO much focus on them when theres, as i said , other more interesting and efficient ways to explore similar things (natalie and lottie a better dynamic for example) AND other stuff thats getting ignored big time.

like as an aside. i dont mind lisa as much BUT one example is also fucking walter and i dont like how theyre using him to kinda reduce misty to a bit of a joke AND cheap out on her own development (i think she can carry fine on her fucking own without him) but also bc he takes up so much runtime with his goofy little bits that just dont do it for me when again we're missing other shit from, like, FUCKING SIMONE FOR EXAMPLE whos barely been mentioned which is crazy. actually crazy. that she has barely been mentioned and tai's whole storyline has been ignored like that

but anyway even with lisa, i dont know- the whole thing with going to se her family, ugh... call me a jaded asshole, but like it just felt so. unsubtle. with the waythat whole scene was kinda executed. is that a cunt thing to say. but i dont know theres also other parts of the cult i just cant fuckin vibe with- i just feel like its so... clumsily done at times, and i cant quite articulate why i think that.

anyways . i get why a lot of ppl dont like natalies death in the end bc yeah it is kinda... a shitty message to send, even if i do kinda feel like well yeah damn yeah you know. but like also i do think theres the other obvious issue of like... with the way this show is, and as good as it is, i feel like theres gonna be more problems that develop and exacerbate over time. i really feel like they needed to introduce more characters earlier on and/or reveal less in present day bc whilst i dont think the tension is everything , and i dont think the shock value of ppl being hunted/dying in the past timeline is everything i do think its gonna have effects on the present time line and them trying to compensate. nd anyway now theyre just gonna do shit like try to tragically kill the women in the present vis a vis nat for like kinda no reason imo bc i do think it was . ultimately such a weird fucking way for her to die and to end even if i did resonate with her dying scene

and i do think there IS some bite that kinda being lost and its a bit weird when they write themselves into holes and have to try and flesh out new characters in the past that we know are just gonna straight up die so soon. a

its why i also didnt really like the idea of krystal. fuck i dont like the idea of krystal and walter being introduced to have a rapport with misty and i think thats just bc i LIKED her being alone . i liked no one fucking liking her. maybe its bc i projected too hard, but also its just like... i dont know it feels so fucking WEIRD that misty has had 0 friends and then she incidentally only just realises that some girl on the soccer team shes been orbitting for forever is like her type of weird and whatever whatever bah bah bah LIKE... theyre clearly trying to spin stuff for her to do, the same with the inclusion of walter, and its like. i dont know again in MY opinion and maybe its my fault for both projecting and setting an expectation but... i think a much more interesting thing to explore would be ownership of herself and her own fucking weirdness and being able to do that alone without needing the validAation of the others . am i crazy. like again i keep thinking abt her in the future and her and walt and ugh how much more i would love it if it was her fighting by herself to try and get natalie out of there. YES its harder to execute in a tv show but i do think it owuld be so much more interesting than taking the . in my opinion lazier route of just sticking in other characters to use to give her storylines

anyway what else was i gonna say fuck this was meant to be about natalie yeah like. thats also what im kinda mad at and why i dont like the inclusion of the extras like walter and lisa, like... i thinkits so much stronger when its just focussing on the dynamics of the girls (and their established ties, from the beginning of s1, i.e callie or simone, etc.) and i think mistys arc this season would have been better if it was a focus on her and nat, even if it was totally onesided rather than fucking walter and

ok im done can i also say. cant wait for shauna to ascend to antler queen in the current timeline. let her go fucking insane i say

[pwnyta]

Okay so there’s the thing… I play CROB still (for some reason 💀) and couple of updates ago I sent you a pretty long message about all the changes and how ugly they are and how much I hate them and how they demotivate me and I don’t really wanna play the game, but that message, sadly, was completely lost when I sent it because of the internet disconnection… so, I was really angry about it and just decided to let it be.

But OOOOOOHHHHH MYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOD I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE‼️‼️‼️‼️ THIS FUCKING GAME JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE, UGLIER AND UGLIER, LESS AND LESS CONVENIENT I— god I REALLY don’t want to be angry about it, but I’ve been playing this game for 2-3 years and put good amount of many into it (let’s not discuss whether it was a good idea or not, I have money to spare and CROB was one of my hobbies), but now the game is just so. Fucking. BAD.

Bro.

They changed the way to level up characters. I LEGITIMATELY don’t know how to do it anymore. You can pay GEMS to level up your characters (yes, you heard it right), they got rid of the character and pet gachas, BUT IT DIDNT MAKE IT BETTER!!!! I AM!!! SO‼️ ANGRYYYYYYY AGHHHHHH‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

Today was a new update (it’s a Yogurca update) and I’m just…. Not only did they bring ANOTHER legendary treasure that is near impossible to get (I spent 50k+ gems that I’ve saved up + a lot of free pulls for treasure gacha and didn’t get SHIT), But also - and, tbf, I didn’t connect the dots until I went to the CROB’s YouTube channel - they’ve released a BOMBER cookie with a BOMBER jelly shapes for a middle eastern inspired world during Ramadan… need I say more?

God I’m so tired. I really liked CROB, I preferred it heavily over CRK, I was there for quite some time, but devs just get greedier and greedier, and they keep making game uglier and less convenient. I really don’t want to leave it behind, because, well, I put money into it, but outside of that, I still really like characters, I love their designs, I love the concept of the game and I REALLY love guild runs, they are fun! But at this point, I just login into the game everyday for rewards and to login into guild lottery. I just… god I feel so defeated. Why are they doing it? If the game is doing worse than they want, then just pull the fucking plug. I understand that some people are going to play and going to whale no matter what - I’ve already seen people with fully refined new legendary treasure, and that shit came out only couple of hours ago. But my GOD. I really liked this game, I felt nice while playing it, I liked the sense of accomplishment when I was getting better. Now the game is ugly, I don’t understand how to fucking LEVEL UP the characters and just….. ugh. Sorry for this rant, I just needed to talk about it somewhere 😓

Damn… Yeah IDK whats with CROB lately either. Im assuming theyre just putting more time and resources into CRK now, I know they never expected for CROB to get as consistently popular and well loved as it did and were planning for it to end well before… but like I honestly wish if they dont wanna do it anymore that they really did just shut it down rather than making things super bad until people just leave.

Which I mean theyre PROBABLY not going out of the way to make the game worse… but certainly FEELS that way. Or I guess its more they just wanna make more money off it. Since the Gacha was super generous when I was playing at least with the character/pet Gacha

And Peppercorn Cookie... great design... probably ANYWHERE ELSE at ANY OTHER TIME would have been a better time to release her... remarkably tone deaf.

It all really sucks since with Kingdom you need a higher end phone and it takes up way more space so theres probably a lot more people on the poorer side of things playing CROB which is probably why its so popular still… IDK.

Well IDK what to tell ya… I know I really loved the game and praised it for a long time and even spend money on it as well cuz I really enjoyed it… but it just stopped being worth it. If your still having fun just enjoy what you can… if you just wanna see the characters im sure you can find the stories on Youtube or something so you dont have to waste your time with it…

No worries tho. Im always ready to commiserate the loss of a good series or game...

(Unlike BNHA Im more sad about CROB than mad about it.)

[the-duckless-pond]

Hello diary. It’s been a minute, I think.

Well, I’m back to rest my head between your pages and spill my heart or whatever I’m supposed to be doing here. I got to talk to my bff consistently for almost a week this time before she went dark, so that was really nice. I’ll still text her, but I mostly started these posts so that I am not spamming her. I try to keep it reasonable. I’m probably overthinking it, but oh well. I hope I hear from her soon, but it would be months. Maybe just special for my birthday would be nice. I’d like that. And I’m sure eventually enough time will go by that I will once again convince myself she is dead and start searching for obituaries and funeral plans. That’s around usually when I reach out and ask for a sign of life. That’s around usually feels reasonable to me.

Anyway, things have been up and down on terms of mood. Good days and bad days. I had a whole week of decent enough days where I got my school work done and turned in, did well on quizzes, and participated in class, and even talk to my friends on top of all that! I did a very nice job all week and it was all so very difficult but I did it and it was nice.

I do still have work left for my French class, but I can do that next week I think. I wanted to start it this week, but I just got too stressed with Japanese. I guess, I dont know. Anyway. Work to be done but not much. I guess I could get started on it tonight, since better late than never, and that could be nice. I am far too anxious to sleep anyway. More on that later.

Suddenly it feels like nothing I have to say is of any value so why do I even. Bother doing this at all. Like what’s the point. If people wanted to know what I had to say they would read it in my texts but then I send too many texts and Charlie can’t respond and mom gets upset by all the texts and it’s my only anxiety free way to communicate so I am trapped. I just end up feeling guilty and bad and like I shouldn’t message either one of them because clearly I am only making things worse. But if I don’t talk to them, then who do I talk to? I have literally no one else. If I just give them space because maybe that is what they want then…. Idk, maybe then they’d want to talk to me more? Because I don’t have anyone else. Like those are the two people I talk to. Which is why I text so much and I should absolutely stop texting so much brvaudr it s too much and I am too much and it is all bad and I’m bad too.

Ugh. I don’t know why I bother with these posts. I don’t know why I make them. I guess in th hope that someone reads them and then maybe I don’t have to be so alone because someone read it.

I did a lot of things today and I am tired now and I don’t think I am going to want to go out tomorrow at all to get a soda. So I am thinking of door dashing some sodas. Expensive and dumb but they are my special comforts. And I feel very uncomfortable right now. Yeah. I’ll do that. I’ll get four so that I don’t have to go out tomorrow morning and can just go at my own speed and pace and focus on recovering from an outing. I’ll miss seeing my regular people but I hope they will forgive me. I’ll just say I wasn’t feeling well. This seems like the plan forward. I’ll take a break from writing to do that.

~~~~~

Well, here’s hoping. I ordered four with no ice, last time I did this they all came with ice. If that happens again I will get a refund and reorder. As long as it takes fo them to be no ice. I can’t stand ice that I didn’t make myself in drinks so I always get no ice. I don’t always trust this McDonald’s because once I went through the drive through and ordered four with no ice and got three with ice?? And I was like hhhhhhh these should be no ice, and they said one of them is no ice, and I was like yeah but they all should be no ice. But he insisted that one being no ice was all I needed??? It was wild, but this is the only one that door dashes to me so that’s what I’m doing. Here’s hoping.

More on that as the saga progresses. I don’t trust them to have cleaned their ice machine so anything sent to me with ice gets dumped. Also I have very sensitive teeth and couldn’t drink it even if I wanted to. So I hope it is no ice on the first try, for everyone’s sake.

As you may have guessed from the contents of this entry so far, my day has been touch and go. I woke up early and that felt nice because I got to go get a morning soda and see all of my Burger King friends and smile at them and laugh with them at their jokes. They really are the highlight of my day. I said to them that I would be back after lunch, but then I found a showing for a horror movie that looked really good that had a midafternoon. Showing. So I apologized from afar. I’ll go by tomorrow afternoon. Reset things back in order. I do feel bad though. I always tell them they make my day and they return the sentiment so I hate to think of letting anyone down. So I’ll go tomorrow. As early as I am able. Maybe I could bake muffins tonight if I stay up later and could bring them in! Maybe. I’d need paper plates. I don’t have any. Maybe I’ll do my instacart order after this and add some since I guess I am not sleeping anytime soon.

So anyway. After seeing my friends and loving on the cats some kids went out front to pl y and they were pretty loud so I put on my osha earphones and a podcast and that helped. I was committed to seeing the show and not getting overwhelmed. It started raining so the kids went inside and things got quiet again so I took off my earphones and opened th window to listen to th rain and it was very nice and soothing. And then I ordered lunch because right now I am afraid of my oven and don’t have the skills on hand to be able to use it, so, I ordered lunch, which should have helped but ultimately,y did not.

The de,I very guy never buzzed my buzzer. I followed him on the map and he was in the building and this led to me panicking about how could he have gotten in. He knocked on my door and I waited and waited and then when I felt sad I snuck out and got my food. My order was wrong. But I still had the side of fries and those were good. But how did he get into th building? I couldn’t get over it. So I investigated

Turns out the kids propped th door open with a large branch. This happens three or four times a week and it feels like I am always the only one that does anything about it and removes the blockage. And it had happened ed literally every day this week and I kind of lost my shit. I broke the branch into as many pieces as I could and threw them so far away as far as I could. Then I slammed the building door and shrieked into the empty hall stop propping the fucking door open, as loudly as I could. Then I stomped back up to my apartment about to have a panic attack and slammed the door. That was where I messed up. Slamming the door spooked the cats and they bolted for under the bed. I immediately felt awful awful awful. I apologized profusely to them and went to another room so that they would have space to feel safe again. Eventually Boo moved to her pillow but Callie stayed under the bed. I went back in to apologize a few more times and then I got the call that my Ativan was ready for pickup thank god. So I told them it would all be better when I got home and set out to go get that. On my way out I printed off and taped a note to the building door asking them to stop propping it open bc it is a safety hazard and this is a dangerous area.

Anyway, then I went on the long journey to get my benzo. It took an hour and a half in total to drive there and back because my pharmacy is on the other side of town and I am afraid of freeway driving. But it was an uneventful drive. On my way to the pharmacy I picked up a soda so that I could take my medicine asap. Low doses don’t really affect me anymore but psycho.ogically it still helps. So I took 2 1mg and drove home. I felt less angry at the kids when I got back, and I was pleased to see that my sign was still up. By the time I got back the girls had both returned to normal and seemed content and happy. I apologized again and again and gave them each a treat and some cuddles for being so perfect and compassionate.

Then, came the hard part. Leaving the house for multiple hours, knowing my building might not be secure when I get back because of those darn kids, and wondering if someone was going to like… rob me or kill my cats while I was gone. It was all very upsetting to think about. So I took it slow one step at a time. I got half dressed first, leggings and socks, and stayed in my pajama tank top and comfort hoodie. That felt sufficiently dressed for a solo movie excision on a high anxiety day. I don’t usually do this, but I did all the necessary checks for my OCD, checking the stove and oven and taking video. I took note of where the cats were and said goodbye to them each and gave them a kiss, I even took a video of testing the locked door so that if I got worried I could refer back to it and see that it is locked. I try not to do those things as they do not actually help in the long run but I made an exception for today.

After that I went to my movie! I got a medium popcorn, crunch candy, and a large Diet Coke. It all felt like such a special treat. I decided not to count calories today on account of wanting to enjoy myself and not worry. And it was the right decision because I had SO much fun oh my godddddd. Everyone needs to go see The Substance immediately. Most fun I’ve had in ages in a horror movie. I was talking to mom about it after and she wants to see it so I told her I would go with her if she wanted. So I might get to go see it again very soon!

(The McDonald’s diet cokes arrived without ice by equally wi5out straws? Fortunately I have straws of my own to use from earlier, so I’ll just do that. I gave the driver a high rating because they did a great job and let door dash know there was a problem and they ended up refunded the entire order so yeah. I guess maybe I can just stay in for a few days and reset and not worry about propped open doors or anything like that. Because I am very very worried about it, like paranoid worried, it’s bad. And all my DBT skills are super rusty and the group I found doesn’t start until November. So. I’ve just got to hang in there. Keep things low stress. I think I should alert the complex though. I just need a few days to move past it so that I don’t shout and can be calm. )

Also I think I am going to make that instacart order now,before the store closes or something. I’ll be up.

~~~~~

Ordered for delivery between 11 and midnight. I do still have work I want to get done, as well as unwind and relax. I also want to take a shower as I haven’t in several days now and had previously hoped to be doing it like every few days or so, but that has proven difficult to do in my current state. Anyway, so I guess I’m up until midnight at least. And that means I can’t get started on my work until around midnight. Because I won’t be able to focus if I am just waiting for that awful buzzer to go off. So I will just stay quiet and keep things simple and calm. Focus on happy things or something. It truly is not a whole lot of work to do, it just takes time.

Anyway. Where was I? Right. I got home from the movie and it was such a fun time and th girls seemed to be back to normal and happy and purring. They were excited to see me which was a relief. I was so worried they would hate me. I’d hate myself if they hated me. And as a bonus my sign was still up! I haven’t checked recently but I will after instacart gets here and it is sufficiently late, under the guise of checking my mail. I truly think I should complain to management I just don’t know where to begin. It’s a safety issue. I feel unsafe now, and have an entire lease ahead of me. And I like it here and do not want to move. I am happy here. The cats are happy here. I get direct sunlight. I have two rooms. It’s nice. I want to stay here. But i can’t do that if there are dangerous safety issues going on. Si maybe that’s what I say? That I really like it here and want to keep living here for many reasons, but this one thing is just such a huge problem that it is causing me to rethink the entire thing. I chose this complex bevaus of the two door system, so what am I supposed to do when the first door fails? How am I supposed to stay safe? I guess I could buy a door jam that goes under the doorknob. That is an option for sure. It doesn’t help if I am out of town though. Maybe an apartment se unity system? That could work. I’d have to shop around for what the best one is. But that’s a good idea, I’ll look in to that, like just opened the google search and will get to work after I finish my entry

Sometime between getting home from the movie and now I took four more Ativan since I was still pretty on edge about feeling safe or not. My doctor gave me her blessing to take two at a time but I didn’t feel like that was going to cut it, not even a little bit. It helped for getting to the movie, but not much else. I see her in about two or three weeks so I can ask then about getting on a general anxiety medicine because that has become a big problem for me ever since my nieces startled me a few months ago. Just constant anxiety and dread. Literally never ending unless I am asleep or have taken an Ativan. That’s one of the reasons I have been taking it so much. I don’t have anything else for anxiety and it gets so unbearable that I lie in bed at night panicking and I can’t ha e that, that’s no way to live. So I’m improvising until my next appointment.

Instacart says order confirmed. Woo! I ordered four microwave meals just in case I continue to be afraid of the oven. I tried to reheat pizza today and when I turned it on there was a big gas smell that freaked me out so I turned it off and opened the windows and turned on the range fan. I seem to recall that being relatively normal if the oven hasn’t been used in some time and it’s been about a month since I last used it so. Maybe it just needs to burn off residual gas but still it made me very anxious and I was not okay with that. That is when I ordered my lunch instead and got started down the path of needing to get my Ativan from the pharmacy, and now here we are.

On a happier note, I filled out my absentee ballot today!!! It was very exciting for me and I had been on ballot watch for a few days. It even came with a sticker this time! I have it on my hoodie right now. I will go drop it off with the county clerk with mom on Monday.

In other news, here are the things I want to accomplish tonight

- chapter three flash cards

- potential form and volitional form decks for new and old verbs (this will take the longest I think)

- exercice 2.1 to 2.3 for French

- MAYBE depending on how I feel exercice 2.2h since that is a writing one to be submitted next week and I would like to focus on Japanese next week since I have a test.

I could easily see myself staying up until like 3 or 4 if I just keep at it. I really don’t want this hanging over me anymore. I want to be ahead in class and not missing classes and in general just succeeding and doing my best and passing the courses. That’s all I want. It’s just been so hard with my depression.

I have some time before Instacart is supposed to arrive. I could get started on the potential and voltional decks that I think will take the longest, or I could get started on the French work which feels the easiest. Usually I’d ask Charlie or mom, but mom is asleep by now and Charlie is probably awake but not’responding at the present sooooo it is up to me. I guess… I’ll just do what I can. I’ll try with the potential form deck.

Maybe more to come later as the night progresses?

[jazstudios]

i think i might be just. actively- (whatever the present tense of derealization is) lol

starting to actually dawn on me that this is the only one life we'll (probably) have. the delusions ive been having are dying and im only left to quake at the sight of reality on the horizon and the fact i am so severely underprepared for everything lmao.

ive got the basic outlines out though, basically "work to give my family a good life" to make up for having to put up with me and my mistakes all throughout the years

basically- amount of shitty things they've had to put up with me because of me = the amount of good and joy they'll have in life which im gonna fight tooth and nail to give them. of course i aspire to give them even more yk, but this is the base minimum lmao. tho atp in time even that much is an uphill battle. lol

nothing feels real. right now. and aside from parents doing their normal fighting and one (mom lol) threatening to divorce/run away cuz she for some reason thinks dad cheated on her lmao?

dont worry, he didnt actually lol. this sounds like mad coping, but im being sincere when i say this lol

at first i thought it would actually kill me. ya know. this whole thing? not knowing if that day will the be the last straw for her? if that's the day when my family falls apart? then that thinking leads to "ohh but ur childhood is just a flowery experience that existed solely to you! the experience was entirely different for your family and they maybe dont even look back on those years as fondly as you do! your being delusional again, stop it" then it spirals from there lmao

ugh. idk how to phrase it lmao. this fight thing has been going for months, ya know. since like the start of this year. i hate it but what can ya do, when life gives u lemons? u shove the up ur eyeball🍋 yargg. yah

slight silver lining that came out of this though is that im getting a daily reminder that nothing in life is permanent, even your family! and that hey. sometimes love *isn't* enough. and that hey. vulnerability is scary. too scary. you can't ever trust someone with any of that, you'll never fully know someone. acknowledging your loved ones are their own people is acknowledging they can do as they please and that includes them leaving you. i say to myself this won't impact how i interact with love for the rest of my life, and it might not. it also, might. but eh whose to say

it's scary to think about. parents on the news always say they never could've guessed their kids are capable of let's say- murder, ya? they can never guess it. they don't know. no one does, i dont, you dont. you dont know if your tomorrow your mother will do something truly heinous that'll impact you negatively for the rest of your life. maybe, she doesn't mean for it to. maybe she had no choice. but, that doesn't really do much to change the effect it had on ur life yeah?

it's dumb. love will never be enough on it's own without action to back it up, but what if love is all you have? what if it's all you can give? what if holding out your heart to them, begging and pleading for them to not leave you, to please love you again, isn't enough? .

i dont know the answer. if you find out, hmu lmao.

but. idk even if i know this, i follow the same logic that damned me from the beginning. i do smth else that isn't what i know would be better for me in the long run.

long run plan: emotionally distance, i'll still be present, i'll still be hurt, but i wont die. at least. i think?

short term aka now: ive always been too emotional. too loose with my feelings, too easily attached. it sounds like im fucking flexing right now lmao but i swear im not trying to lmao. regard this whole bit with a "/derogatory" lol. i hate it. it's always lead me to make horrible horrible decisions, chase the wrong things, make nothing of myself.

it's hurt me so much but it's also the only comfort i have sometimes. comfort in fictional characters, they aren't real, but i love them. art, fantasy, anything else that isn't whats happening to me right now. ill probably like it.

it took me a while to realize how much of a stupid fucking cycle it is. how much of an addiction it is, essentially. but it's so hard to make the first fucking step forward. i easily imagine how i want to be and such, but again, delusions. lol

in my head. sometimes no time passes. sometimes stuff isn't real. sometimes technoblade didn't die (his always had a shit upload schedule lmao so it's easy, sometimes.). sometimes, i imagine, i can be myself but, better. what i imagine "a lover, artist" but someone you'd actually want to be around. ya know? not awkward. not distant. just, something that isn't me right now

sometimes i imagine i can stay how i picture it. happy, innocent, lovely and emotional. kind and friendly. i always liked pacifist route frisk who found a solution to everything, because of this lmao. even if it was impossible, instead of just accepting it gracefully and letting it remain memory of the past, sometimes i imagine getting ugly about it. barefist fighting against reality, fighting time. fighting the world. and sometimes, i imagine. it actually makes a difference. that it wasn't pointless

i don't know. im losing myself but i dont know if ive ever even knew who i was. was i ever anything more than failed expectations and concepts? i dont know. youd ask any of my old classmates who i am, and if they remember me, they might be able to tell you something. if you asked me, id have answer. a mistake, in all functionality of the word. not stretching, not dramatizing, quiet literally a bastard child and ive thought over it for months and i can safely say, if i was never conceived, that my family (tho they never would've been together) would be so, so happy in life

one half of me tears apart at this, they'd be so much happier right? but the other is the somber truth-ish that realizes the futility of it all. there'd be no point in killing myself tomorrow, ive already existed. ive already made marks and my death will have it's consequences. if i really want to repent for the sin of being born, then i should work myself to death for them. as an apology. (funny how they might not even stay together lmao, ah well i can just wire money to diff places ig if they move away lol) then after the last member of my direct family dies, i can just go find some random ditch and off myself lmao. i dont know. when I was like 12 i always planned to kill myself by 30 yk? death scared me, if god doesn't exist then where will my parents go? (i didn't really care about me lmao. im scared of the passage of time, but i welcome my eternal damnation with open arms lol) idk. aethiesm scared me. cause at that point (still do, mostly) i didnt believe in god per say. but then, there came the mortal issue, how to deal with death? at the time, i just thought that religion stemmed from the human fear of death. so people made up a god to comfort themself. i didn't blame them, how could you? reality hurts. it kills. i wish i could believe like they do. but i dont

eh whatever, i just dont think about it much. i cant picture a time where my parents will die. that they wont be there. i can see id probably spiral trying to cope, maybe die from alcoholism or smth else lol. but at point in time, it might sound a bit bad to say but once my first family member dies, i kind of hope the others follow soon. so i dont have to stick around either. typing this now, it makes me think, and thinking makes me want to claw my heart out of my chest but i dont have the capacity to feel much right now. it's like it's all blocked or heavily fogged up lol

it's hard. to remember other people. are real, ya know? is that weird to say? probably. time passes without you knowing it, i don't know. i have a lot i want to say but it's pretty much impossible to even pick out a string of words to start with

i don't know. ive loved people sure, but they're usually my friends lmao. im never sure if i really truly love them or if i just like the idea of them i have in my mind. ive loved in specific, for maybe like 2 years now lmao? not sure. there's the, do i actually like her enough to confess and risk our friendship? if i say no, is it because i dont actually like her or just cuz im 'shy' (lol)?

sometimes i imagine, idk that we lived close to each other or something, that i actually know who you are in real life, i imagine then id probably be able to distructure or solidify my, currently just random disconnected fluffy bits, of feelings lmao. idk. i love you, yeah i can say that with confidence

but is it romantic? what even is romantic love? isn't romantic love, just platonic love with extra steps? do i insist on it because i truly want to be actively in love with you or is it just the kind of love that will have to be satiated by knowing the subject of affection (in this case you lmao) is living a happy life? even if you did actually say yes, would i be able to meet the image of a 'healthy relationship' in my head? that takes communication, that takes work, i imagine i can do it but reality says otherwise lmao. idk. i love you enough to not want to do something that shitty to you. i want you to be happy, i want for you to be happy and secure and confident in your existence. i never want to see you where i am right now lmao, but i can't exactly stop it either way. it's a human experience i guess? and that's not even counting the "holy shit your being so parasocial and weird ew" i assure you the voice in my head abt this is plenty lmao.

but yeah. i love you. i'd send you flowers or even my heart if you wanted, i dont know if im joking but i dont know if i actually mean it, in the sense i dont know if im feeling the emotions i think i should be when saying something like that. i want my words to count for something, but how do i do that when i spend all my breathe trying to make up for my lack of action lmao.

but yeah, pretty much takeaway, i love you. now that i know you exist in the world, somewhere out there i dont know if i could go back to before i knew about you lol. i don't know if it's romantic or platonic, i don't know if i should pursue it or let it fade. but if you asked me take my last breathe then mail you my lungs, i probably would - let's half the shipping costs tho lmao. if you asked me to do something horrible and went against my entire sense of self, i also probably would. i dont know. the idea of it being for someone i love calms the possible thoughts of anxiety lmao. if you asked me to write you endless poetry, i probably would too, not saying it'd be good ofc but well, lol.

i'll be here, as long as you stick around. even if the day comes, you do move on with your life and this blog gets abandoned, ill still be here probably, just missing you a whole lot.

everything's confusing. everyday's its own battle and all it takes is one loss, lol.

ah well, i'll live my life loving you, i think ill be happy at least, having said this much

i love you a lot jaz, wholeheartedly i do

this entire ask is weird, feel free to leave out and not answer anything you want. dont even have to answer this if you want. answer and publish it, toss it into the void. anything's fine, im sorry i told you all this lol. idk, charades and distance and reality can only be stiffling for so long before i lost it and do something impulsive like send you this lmao. i'm not looking for your pity or sympathy, don't worry abt that part lol/genuine/lighthearted

i just. needed an outlet. i guess. haphazardly thrown together as this ask is. this is already more than i could've ever asked lmao, being able to speak all this out into the world, somewhere, to someone. thats all really

i love you so much jaz. take care, even if not that then please live to see tomorrow. i hope you have so, so many wonderful tomorrow's ahead of you. i love you

i settle with thinking about how our hypothetical relationship would probably all up burst in flames because of me LMAO. it's fun to think about. i love you, ill be here for you. im sorry im telling you all this

im severely aware of how unwarranted, weird, parasocial, delusional and arguably cruel this whole thing is. im pretty much objectifying you, i wish i knew you but that's another thing that's probably gotta have to stay in the "keep delusions inside till they die" room lol. im sorry. for all this.

i love you, im sorry i keep saying it lmao, it gets annoying and this whole thing is already bothersome enough as is. this whole thing isn't me trying to guilt trip you or anything btw, sincerely i apologize if it does come off that way.

i always said to myself "you can't claim to truly love someone, if your willing to let their wellbeing rely on risk." pretty much risking how negative this might impact your mind or mood, im sorry. im a hypocrite. i really do truly love you, i dont know why im telling you all this, im sorry jaz, i love you

please live a life you won't regret in the end, im sorry for asking you something like this.

thank you for existing in the same period as me, it's already a chance in a million. thanks also for having the anon option in your tumblr lmao, i probably would've never said any of this to you. im sorry i did, again, btw.

i love you sincerely, jaz. that much i can say, and i know ill have been honest with myself

i love you so so very much

Anon I'm not a very good comforter for things like these, I don't have a way with words even though my favourite subject is English. But let me just say this, anon.

You are an incredibly talented person, you are special to the people who love you, you are beautiful, you are kind, and most of all, you are a very loving person. You're probably one of the most romantic people I know, anon! I love your poetry, I love your use of words. I love the asks you send me every now and then and they make me extremely happy. You are worth it.

I love you anon. I love you in a way that my mom slices apples for me to eat, I love you in a way that my cousins play Roblox with me. I love you, even if it was platonic or romantic. I love you. Saying it won't mean that you're in love with them instantly, no! It's just- we love.

I wish I lived near you as well, wherever you may be. Or whoever you may be. It's okay if you won't reveal yourself, that's alright with me. As long as you are alive and well, as long as you take care of yourself, as long as you're safe- that's enough for me, anon. You love so much, and I consume all of the things you write to me, the things you say. Because I love them, because I love you.

Please be safe, take care, I love you, anon

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Mayerling (1968)

Its weird, I wanna say I liked it because I did think it was good, but also this was the most boring film Ive ever seen (if you follow me, you mightve been able to tell by the fact that I was on tumblr basically the whole time lol)

And like, its hard to say why it was even so boring to me. Its not because it was derivative because honestly, all these rudolf-movies are more or less the same anyway, although this one did feel like it was borrowing quite a bit from Mayerling (1931) which was pretty weird to me because unlike with Mayerling (1967) it doesnt seem like any of the people from that film where involved with the creation of this one. I guess theyre based on the same novel but idk, some of these scenes are very similar, like the opening where Rudolf gets arrested at a student protest and the guy at the police station asks his name and hes like "Rudolf" and the police guy is like "ugh, your full name" and then he goes "heh. rudolf von habsburg" and its a whole thing, except in this one he goes "heh. I have many names" and then he lists all of his first names until the police guy realizes.

I am glad to say though that didnt just feel like Mayerling (1931) but longer, even with some of the scenes feeling quite similar. Out of all the films Ive seen, this was probably the heaviest on politics and I felt like it spent way less screentime and Rudolf and Mary's relationship, which I liked because I really dont care for their romance at this point and Omar Sharif and Catherine Deneuve did not have enough chemistry to make me care. Honestly, I found Omar Sharif as Rudolf really hard to watch especially when he interacted with women, but also just in general, he was so stiff and devoid of charisma. I was going to call him a bad actor for that but I thought he was good that scene where he drunkenly shoots a mirror in a bar/brothel place, so maybe he was just directed poorly idk. Now that I think about it, most of the actors felt pretty stiff, so yeah it was probably the directing.

Other than that, the only thing that I found noteworthy was the fact that Mary was 20 instead of 17/16 here. I have no idea why they would do that other than to make Rudolf look better, but like, I feel like by the time we get the age reveal we've already seen him do enough shitty stuff that him dating a minor or whatever wouldnt really make a difference. Idk, its very weird change to make imo. Also, I feel like the fact that the filmmakers decided to make her 20 also made them characterize her as more mature than usual. Like, I think Mayerling (1936) was the only other one where, while she was certainly characterized as pure and youthful, she didnt act like a "young girl", which is the case in most of these films, which I find baffling because its like. Okay, obviously i dont know what it was like in late 19th century austria, but I can tell you that in modern day germany, 17 year olds who arent getting their Abitur are already working jobs, theyre not going around being silly and giggly and clueless about everything (i forgot which film had the worst offender in this, but I am pissed off about it)

And yeah, that's pretty much it. I realize that I havent really had a lot to say about this or the previous Rudolf-film, I think its because a large part of my longer posts is taken up by a plot summary and descriptions of moments that stuck with me, but all these movies have the same plot and I dont feel like recounting it every time and neither of these films have really had any standout moments. So, in conclusion.... idk man, this film had all the components for me to love it, but something about it was just so boring that I find it hard to care about. sad.