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lizacstuff · 3 years ago

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Your thoughts on the epi? And the trailers? I'm loving the in love Edser! We've waited so long for this!!!

This episode was so fun and fluffy! I don't know about you, but I am enjoying the tone during this second season. A lot. I don't care how stupid the audition process was for the spot in the school, it gave us some very good comedy and a lot of USTy, sexy, flirty goodness.

And like you, I also love in love Edser!

Thankfully this episode was dominated by Edser, and with Kiraz at Granny's house we even got some alone time. The supporting characters were used to good effect this episode, Engin and Piril were the funniest they've ever been, Kerem and Pina served to poke Serkan about his mentoring style, and it was actually nice to have an excuse for Ayfer and Aydan to share a storyline again.

(more under the cut)

However, we'll start with Burak and Melo. UGH. I mean I love Melo and Elcin has done a really good job of showing Melo's heartbreak and trying to hide her melancholy behind her usual bubbly personality, but I really can't stand that it's over such a dud of a character. I know I'm a broken record here but Melo deserves better than this fool. Honestly, he's such a bland sad sack I don't really get why Melo loves him, Eda wants to be friends with him and Ayfer thinks he's so great she wants him for a nephew-in-law. Well, for Ayfer the only qualification is that he's not Serkan, so never mind that question.

However, maybe there's some hope? Before this episode it seemed certain they were heading in a romance direction, but the way he told her she was like a sister to him? Is there really any coming back from him saying that after he remembered kissing her? On the other hand we're barreling towards the end here and there's not really enough time to introduce anyone new for Melo (and no indication from spoilers that they have) and I'm pretty sure Ayse and the writers want to give her a romantic happy ending (although I'd be fine if they didn't and instead had her go off and do something entirely for herself like go back to school or travel or open a shop). So we'll see, because even with the sister line they left some room open because Kerem was the one who suggested he say that (it wasn't necessarily his own idea) and with Melo he seemed to be coming from a place where he assumed he had forced himself on her and she was angry because she didn't want it. Which we know is not true, so might be a misunderstanding that leads to something more. Anyway, I guess we'll just have to endure whichever way they go.

Personally, I like the Serkan-Kemal father storyline. I think it's a good way to add a bit of drama in the waning episodes, gives Serkan a bit of an identity crisis, interestingly mirrors his own situation with Kiraz, and it just makes sense with everything we know of the characters. Because were we seriously supposed to believe that someone as sniveling as Alptelkin sired Serkan? I mean Serkan is the epitome of BDE, he has an inherent charismatic and commanding presence. Sorry to the actor who played Alptekin, but he didn't really have any kind of presence, however Sinan who plays Kemal, does. They've done a great job of casting, because it just feels true. I believe Kemal and Serkan share genetics.

However, even before that storyline starts in earnest, it's interesting that Serkan was being a big baby, not wanting his mom with a man she clearly loves. I wish Eda would have pushed back at him a little more when he was going off that Aydan shouldn't pursue love at her age! Does he think he'll be out of love with Eda by the time he's in his 50s and 60s? Of course not! I'm guessing Eda, though, is just letting him blow off some steam and come to accept the relationship on his own terms. Don't get me wrong, though, after all the meddling Aydan's done with Edser, she more than deserves to have Serkan's opinion of Kemal negatively impact her!

Loved that Kiraz and Can found out first that Kemal is Serkan's father! Cat is out of the bag, Aydan, you can't make a deal with a 5 year old, lmao. It put a nice ticking clock on the whole thing and gave us some good comedic moments where Kiraz is speaking the truth and everyone thinks she's just really fond of the dude. Hee.

Also I enjoyed the Aydan and Ayfer moments. To be honest, I also used to enjoy their true friendship moments when we got them, like when Kemal first appeared and Aydan was freaking out and needed Ayfer and Seyfi around her, and when they were trying to hunt down Deniz after the fake wedding turned real. After so much animosity, it was nice that Ayfer recognized that Aydan was truly in distress and needed a friend and they were able to actually talk. Also we got some (mildly) funny comedy with the two of them and the school lady. Speaking of Ayfer, thankfully she finally realized some consequences to her actions in pushing Burak at Eda. She hurt Melo! Glad she finally opened her eyes to see what should have been obvious to her (Eda never saw him that way, and Melo obviously did) and apologized to Melo. I'd like it if she would apologize to Eda as well, (and Burak deserves an apology as well because she most definitely gave him false hope) but since Eda wasn't influenced by her we probably won't see that.

Switching to Eda and Serkan this episode gave us lots of good stuff. This was a great episode for showing us where each of them stood. Eda is terrified of getting hurt and trying to hold him at arm's length even while he clearly is inching back into her heart, and Serkan is dreaming of their future together, and taking every opportunity to tie them together. How much did I love Serkan admitting he was poking at Eda, and doig things to make her angry, just so she would talk to him? Interesting that he's doing it and love that he's being honest and admitting it to her. One of my favorite relationship dynamics between them is around "talking." In the very beginning Serkan did a lot of complaining about how much Eda talked and how she never shut up, but starting around episode 18 all he wanted was for Eda to talk to him. And this is just more of that. The thing he wants most is to talk to her.

Plus watching domestic Edser is just so much fun, I could watch their full grocery shopping trip in real time and be perfectly happy, lol. At the age of 35 it's time that Serkan learn how to do a few things for himself, I don't care how rich he is, so it's nice that we see him evolving a bit as he embraces the dad role.

The jealousy gambits, even as mild as they are, are getting pretty eye roll worthy since Eda and Serkan are living together, care so much, and obviously are still so hot for one another. It's a bit more understandable from Serkan since Eda is the one creating the barrier between them, but are we really supposed to believe that Eda is jealous of Deniz when Serkan is so obviously in love with Eda and planning their future together? Especially when he clearly can't stand Deniz and tries so hard to avoid her? I suppose it's to show us that Eda is in a jumbled state, her head is trying to keep space with Serkan, while her heart wants him badly and is scared he's going to take her rejections seriously. Even so it was quite irrational for her to get angry at Serkan for having lunch with Deniz when she ordered him to leave with her. Poor Eda is in emotional turmoil.

It was hard to tell with shaky translations, but I guess Serkan claimed to have been injured while rescuing Eda and that's how he talked his way into her bed? Impressively done, Serkan. Love it because it meant we all got to wake up to snuggly family, snuggling together. This gave us another glimpse into Eda's psyche, she wakes up first, and is clearly enjoying it and feeling at home in his arms, until the sleep clears enough and her head realizes she's not supposed to be enjoying it. But once again Kiraz knows how to handle her parents and their complicated relationship beautifully and fixes everything with a pillow fight. That is one smart cookie.

One of my favorite moments of the episode is when Eda is trying to convince Serkan to go to Aydan about the school. Eda knows that her big eyes still work on him, and they did. He still can't say no to her, another one of my favorite relationship dynamics of theirs. I'm super glad some things never change. Speaking of their visit to Aydan's, how great that they went to meet the horse without a name as a family, and then Serkan finally came up with the perfect name. Definitely a star.

Love, love, love that Serkan and Eda beat Engin and Piril when it came to the 'how well do you know your spouse' game. They may have been separated for 5 years, but they both have a genuine interest in the other, so they remember things, and they always made a much more compatible couple than Engin/Piril who have absolutely nothing in common. Of course I adored all the fake married hijinx this gave us, not to mention all the opportunities for Serkan to touch, kiss, and hold her. SO MUCH UST!

The heart-to-heart on the bench was well done and it finally gave us Eda opening up and telling him what's been holding her back. She's scared. Of course she is, the poor thing. Serkan might have thought he was doing it for her own good both times, but he ripped her heart out twice (not even counting all the heart ripping he did during amnesia) how could she not have fears? Of course she's afraid! Whenever she lets herself love him and be loved by him, it's ripped away horribly, and often in ways that feels like it's him doing the ripping. She can take into consideration the circumstances, which she has or else he wouldn't be anywhere near her, and still need time to be sure she's not just setting herself up to get emotionally demolished again.

For Serkan's part all he can do is keep being there, being honest with her, and showing he's in it for the long haul, which I think he's doing and which is why they are where they are at the end of this episode.

Engin and Piril's dance practice is probably the first Engin/Piril alone scene that I thought was genuinely funny and fully enjoyable. I can't think of another... message me if you think there is one, lol. Elsewhere, I saw some folks saying that Engin and Piril should have won the dance competition, because they actually danced, and Eda and Serkan didn't. LOL, you think? I'm pretty sure that was the point. That Eda and Serkan didn't really dance, all they did was get up there and turn their sexual tension and intense smoldering towards one another up to eleventy and won because it's that powerful.

It's sort of a metaphor for this whole series. Sen Cal Kapimi is 100% powered by their chemistry. Of course they can win any competition by just pressing their bodies against one another! They can turn a ditzy Turkish summer romcom that probably should have gone 13 eps into an international hit that's going on 50 episodes, just by looking at one another.

I'm glad that the school officials overheard their conversations and dismissed them, any organization that requires this of the parents, is going to be a lifelong pain-in-the ass, lmao. Also it was good to see Edser and EnPir make up by the end.

Now, on to that ending. I'm glad the subject of the tatoos was brought up, interesting that Eda kept hers until a few months ago. Also interesting that she moved it... can't blame Serkan for wanting to see it. Was that one great seduction line, or what?

I join with everyone who thinks it was a slightly awkward place to leave the episode. We only have 13 (probably) episodes this season, and we've only had one kiss so far. That was definitely a moment for a kiss. Part of me thinks they were going for the cliffhanger, what will Eda do? Will she kiss him or slam the door in his face? Tune in next week to find out! Except that audiences have to wait no time at all for the fragman and that makes any such cliffhanger moot. So what's the point? Have her pull him in, kiss him, and the show can end with them passionately making out and the door slamming with the camera outside the house.

Oh well, it is what it is, and we can only hope they pick up next week right where they left off. As for the fragman, obviously they are fully back together for this episode which means she lets him in to hunt for her tattoo. (please oh please give us that internet ozel because I don't think I can stand being online in this fandom if they don't. Thankfully I'm traveling next week and will be too busy to spend much time on twitter.)

As I said in another ask, I'm not surprised Serkan is barreling them straight towards marriage. When you know, you know, so why wait? Once they emotionally commit to one another, they need to just get married. No waiting for psychos to interfere, family to meddle, or tragedy to strike!

Seriously can't wait for a full episode of them together and Serkan figuring out how to propose. I'm also looking forward to the Kemal/Serkan stuff, it will be interesting to see how he reacts once the news sets in... should be a great episode!

#Sen Çal Kapımı #Sen Cal kapimi #edser #sckask #sck episode discussion #edser discussion #sck 2x46 #serkan bolat #asklizac #architecture

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itsthestutterforme · 4 years ago

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Psych Ward (Bucky Barnes)

Y/N and Bucky meet in a psych ward for the supernatural. Y/N defends Bucky from other guys wanting to jump him. Y/N and Bucky started to become friends.

Bucky finally convinced Steve that he belonged in a psychiatric facility. He needed mental health and guidance on how to work through the crap that HYDRA stuffed into his head. Steve visited him everyday since Bucky was admitted. The first week in the facility was the worst because of how lonely you can get.

You're figuring out where you belong and finding friends in this place. Bucky was sitting on one of the sofas, reading a book when he felt somone staring at him. He looked around the room to see a tall, slender man with jet black hair and eyes staring at him. Meeting his gaze made Bucky's skin crawl.

Nightfall came and everyone went into their rooms to sleep. Bucky was laying on his bed with his hands tucked behind his head. He stares up at the blank ceiling and thinks about how much damage he's done. There's not enough time in a decade to repent for what he did.

The sound of foot steps growing closer to his room. He stands and looks at the door to see the door handle jiggle. A faint click of a key and the door was open. It was the same man that was staring at him before. "What do you want?" Bucky asks. "To welcome you aboard, the old fashion way." The man says as he takes out a knife.

"You really don't want to do this," "You don't scare me. I've dealt with bigger, stronger men than you," "No you haven't," "Being cocky won't get you very far in here," he says as he steps closer. That's when Bucky realized that there were two other guys behind him that went into the room.

Bucky let the man punch him across the face. The last thing he needs is to be put into jail for killing someone. Y/N heard grunts and punches landing, which can only mean one thing. Jax's stupid initiation pact he made amongst the boys. This facility is meant for the gifted people with mental illnesses or had a mental break

Most of the people are class one, minimal harm or harmless. But there are few that are class three and above. Y/N being one of them, she can inflict pain onto other by touch and eye contact. Her touch is the most fatal because if she touches you for longer than a minute, you die.

"Damn it, Jax," Y/N says before standing up. "Marchelle, I need your help," she says to the telepath and telekinetic next door. "What's up?" "I need you to open up my door," "Uh uh I am not going to be sent to solitary fo--" "Please, he's a newbie." "If he's here then he has some sort of power."

"From the sounds of it, he doesn't have a great hold on it. Please, Marchelle," "Ugh, fine!" She unlocks the door and Y/N runs down the halls towards the loud sounds. She looked into the room to see two boys beating on the newbie and Jax was just about to carve out some flesh until Y/N takes off her gloves. She grabs the back of the neck of two of the boys.

Their body trembled in pain and she made eye contact with Jax. He falls to the ground and drops the knife. She let go of the boys before grabbing Jax's chin. "This is the last time you do this initiation crap, you hear me?" She waited one second longer before letting go and looking away from him.

"How did-" Bucky starts. "Down on the ground, Y/N," one of the guards says. Y/N linked her hands behind her head and says, "Where were you when Jax was about to carve into newbie here?" "Shut up," "Watch your tone. I'm coming respectfully. Don't make me change gears." she states.

"Timms, take these three to the infirmary," the main guard ordered. "A saline drip for a couple days will knock them out of it." Y/N suggested. Bucky watched the whole thing, completely confused about what just happened.

Y/N spent the last five days in solitary and when she finally got out, Bucky was the first one to approach her. "I'm sorry that I got your sent to solitary," "So what's your deal?" she asks, blowing off his previous statement. "What do you mean?" "You have a whole metal arm and you couldn't take Jax and his goons."

"I was.. I was afraid I might have killed them." "Believe me, you would have done all of us a justice." "So what exactly is your power?" "I can inflict pain on to other people by thought and touch." "Wow, that must be hard to deal with," "I've learned to manage," "How long have you been here?"

There was a moment of silence before she says, "Look, I get it. You want a friend, but I'm a lone wolf in here. I only help those that seem to need it." "Just keep your head up and stay alert. Although I'm sure you don't have to worry about Jax for a while." she adds before standing up to leave.

"Wait," Bucky says as he holds Y/N's exposed wrist. "What are you.." Y/N noticed that Bucky wasn't clenching his body in pain. And now she was more fearful than anything else. "Who are you?" she asks, ripping her hand from his grasp."I.." "What are you numb to pain or something?" "Or something," he answers.

"Just stay away from me." With that, she leaves to go back to her room. Bucky couldn't feel an ounce of pain when he touched Y/N. All he could feel was a low vibration. The next few days after that, Y/N avoided Bucky because she's never met someone that could stand her pain before. "Y/N, please, I just want to talk," Bucky pleads as Y/N walks passed him.

She stopped in her tracks before turning around. She sat down next to him and says, "About what?" "Anything. I tried to ask around about you and everyone kept quiet. Like they were scared of you or something," "It's not fear, it's respect. There's a certain respect that comes with having a level 3 or higher power."

"How long have you had this?" he asks. "I've always had it, but it reached it's peak during puberty. A lot of people died, and that's why I'm here." she explains. "I'm sure it wasn't your fault." "I was indirectly involved but still involved. The people are still dead." "How long ago was it?" "Three years, but the nightmares are still there."

"Honestly, I don't think they would go away anytime soon." he says and Y/N finally sits on the couch next to him. She leans her elbows on her knees and says, "How long have you had this arm?" "I don't remember," "What made you want to come here?" "Same reason as you. Didn't want to have the chance to hurt someone."

"We might get along better than I thought," she says and they both look at each other as they slowly started to smile.

#sebastian stan #bucky x reader #marvel

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lemill1on · 4 years ago

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ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ɴɪɢʜᴛ

izuku midoriya x reader

song: crash my car by coin

Music thumped through the soles of your sneakers, some upbeat pop song you were sure someone in your class knew the lyrics to by heart. You moved through the rented beach house, occasionally taking sips from the red plastic cup in your hand as you wandered.

It was bittersweet, attending a party celebrating the end of your time at UA. You were sure to see most of your classmates as fellow pros, but you couldn’t shake the sneaking suspicion that this would be your last chance to make a lasting impression before everyone went their separate ways.

Tonight’s the last chance you have to tell Todoroki how you really feel, you thought to yourself as you leaned against a wall, taking a shaky sip of beer as your eyes scanned the room for any signs of his two-toned hair. You’d been nursing a crush on him for the better part of your four years at UA, only ever close enough to be considered a friend.

Sure, the two of you had your moments, but they didn’t amount to the spark you saw him have with other girls. Girls that were prettier, smarter, with stronger Quirks than yours. You sighed into your drink, shutting your eyes as you let the bass flow through you. You were sure Jiro was the DJ for the night, the pop music divided by songs that you could only guess were requests.

You wondered if any of the love songs were meant for someone, if you could say what you’d always wanted to through the speakers rather than your words. Would he even know it was you, or would he just think it was another song? He probably didn’t even know you liked him...

“Hey Y/n, you see Midoriya anywhere?”

Your drink dangerously sloshed as you jumped, the sound of Mirio’s voice at your side snapping you out of your thoughts. Your gaze slowly turned to see his head protruding from the wall, blue eyes gazing up at you with the twinkle only alcohol could give them.

“Nope. I didn’t even know he was coming.”

Mirio stuck his head out a bit more, shifting so he was level with you. “I didn’t either, but Nejire said she’d seen him lookin’ for someone. I thought you’d know, y’know ‘cause you’re together so much.”

You cringed slightly. As much as you liked Midoriya, there was something you couldn’t quite place in the way that he talked to you as of late. He was far from cold—you didn’t think he was capable of that, to be honest—but you didn’t have the same rapport that you’d grown accustomed to over the years.

You took a pointed sip and pushed off of the wall, giving Mirio a quick goodbye before you downed the rest of your drink and made your way to the kitchen, taking a few gulps of your second cup before you resumed your aimless wander. You stopped every once in a while to talk to your classmates, promising that you’d keep in touch....the usual graduation pleasantries. There was still no sign of Midoriya or Todoroki, and by the time you were halfway through your third cup you decided to abandon the search.

It didn’t take long for you to find your way to the back of the house, sitting out on the balcony while a few kids from class 1-B passed around a bottle of vodka, taking long pulls before passing it on to the few 1-A students that had joined them.

You found yourself stumbling into the house not five minutes later, wondering if Todoroki had even shown up in the first place. What’s the point? You thought, he doesn’t give a shit about me. As the party wound down your thoughts ambled to Midoriya, doubting that he’d come like Mirio had said. He was the last person you’d expect to be at a party, much less one where half the people attending were drunk off their asses.

Izuku had been looking for Y/n all night. After a lengthy talk with All Might two nights prior, he’d finally made up his mind to tell her that he’d been in love with her for years. That every moment they spent together—every late night study session, every holiday, every meal, every stolen glance and warm smile—made all the hurt he’d felt melt away.

She’s not here, she probably already left with someone else...Izuku sighed, dejectedly making his way out of the house to head back home. He’d spent all this time watching her chase boys that were better than him in every way, why did he think now would be any different? As much as he wished it was true, he’d never be the kind of hero she needed.

It was better to just make peace with it now.

He managed to slip out unnoticed, thankful that he’d been able to take his own car to the party. His thoughts raced, each looping back to how stupid he’d been to think that he’d ever have a fighting chance with you. It was probably for the best that he left now anyway, she wouldn’t even notice he was gone—

“Midoriya! C’mere!”

He blinked twice, slowly turning to see Y/n stumbling toward him, a wide grin stretched across her face. Her eyes were glassy and unfocused, each drunk step toward him one that felt oddly calculated, as if it was taking all of her strength to remain upright.

“H-Hey Y/n! I, uh, I didn’t think you were still here.” He hated how awkward he sounded, the nervous tremor in his voice that of someone who had just been caught doing something they weren’t supposed to, instead of the confidence one should have talking to someone they’d known for so long.

“Hey you...you have a car, right?” Y/n leaned forward, catching herself on Izuku’s shoulder. “Can you....do you know where—where I live?”

Oh god, she wants me to take her home?! I can’t say no...what if I tell her then? She’ll probably fall asleep anyway, she won’t even hear it! Yeah, I’ll just...I’ll tell her how I feel, and then I won’t have to worry about it anymore. But what if she is awake, and she rejects me—

“Heeey, Deku? You’re...you’re talkin’ to yourself again,” Y/n mumbled, giving him an easy smile when his gaze drifted back up to hers.

“S-Sorry.” He returned the smile, knowing that his probably looked more forced than he wanted it to. “My car’s parked over there, if you—if you want me to take you home.”

Y/n’s eyes lit up. “Perfect! Y’know, you’re so nice for doing this,” she followed behind him, grabbing onto his hand to steady herself, making his heart leap to his throat, “you’re just nice, Midoriya.”

“Oh, uh, thanks, Y/n.” He helped her into the car, making sure she was situated before he slipped into the driver’s seat, taking a deep breath before he started the car and pulled out into the street.

It wasn’t long before Y/n had slumped against the window, her eyes shut and breathing slowed. He’d been trying to psych himself up to tell her, but every time he opened his mouth to talk he convinced himself it was a bad idea and let the silence remain.

Your eyes fluttered open, the realization that you were driving home hitting you slowly. You kept your gaze on the rolling highway, the glow of the lights casting tinted shadows across your face. You could hear a soft sigh to your left, Midoriya’s voice filling the vast silence of the car before you could turn to look at him.

“Y/n I...I know you’re probably still asleep or whatever, and that’s for the best, I mean, I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of you—“ he exhaled, his grip tightening on the wheel, “I...ugh, I don’t know how to say this.”

You didn’t think it possible in your current state, but you felt your heart pick up as you listened to Midoriya collect himself, the deep breaths he took the ones you’d heard so many times before, ones prompted by you when his thoughts started to run wild.

“I...” there was a small pause and a sigh of determination, “remember when we first went to go eat lunch at the park by UA, and you told me that you’d never had your first kiss before?”

You wanted to nod, but stayed still so you could hear him talk.

“I never told you—I mean why would I?—but I always kinda hoped I’d be your first kiss. And I know that’s pretty silly, you’re not even interested in me, but I just wanted to be the kind of person that you wanted to be with.”

You could remember that day like it was yesterday. The two of you had gone to eat lunch while the cherry blossoms fell, your hair dusted with pink petals as you exchanged food and secrets. it was then that you’d learned at least some of the true nature of Midoriya’s Quirk, even if you felt like it wasn’t the whole story. You’d promised to keep his secret if he promised to keep yours, that shy admission that you’d never done the kinds of things you always dreamed of. Even now, years later, you were still waiting for someone to sweep you off your feet.

“I know I’m not as powerful as everyone else in our class, but I always hoped that one day I’d be the one that could make you smile. I—I wanted to be your hero.

“But you were—are—so strong Y/n, you don’t need someone to save you. And even if you did, I knew that person wouldn’t be me.” He sighed softly, stealing a glace at you before he continued. “Even if you didn’t need me like that, I still wanted to be there for you. To be with you.

“I’d go anywhere with you, Y/n. Spending time with you....it’s my favorite part of the day,” he softly chuckled, “ugh, that’s so cheesy. But it’s true. I always kinda hoped I’d get to spend the rest of my life—however long that is—with you.”

You felt something wash over you that you’d never felt before. In all the years you’d known Midoriya, you’d never thought of him as the person you’d have a future with. You’d never considered him as anything more than a friend, much less the person you’d fall in love with.

But as you pulled off the highway, driving past quaint homes and the lives people had built for themselves, you saw Midoriya as the person he always had been. The one who was there for you no matter what, your shoulder to cry on, the first person you told good news. He was the first person you thought of when you wanted to go on an adventure, the one you always glanced to in class when you had to pick a partner. You’d spent so much time looking in the wrong places that you didn’t listen when your heart told you he was the one you’d been looking for all along.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is...I love you, Y/n. And I always will, no matter what happens.” He looked to you once again, his green eyes meeting yours, blush settling in his cheeks as he flicked his gaze to the road.

And for the first time, you didn’t see the kid with a Quirk too powerful for his body. You didn’t see your first friend, the wide-eyed boy who they whispered didn’t belong.

You saw someone who really was meant to be the number-one hero. Someone whose heart was pure, who smiled even when things seemed hopeless. You’d never quite believed it before, but you could see now that it was his destiny. He was meant for greatness, and you wanted to be there to see it.

You wanted to be the one to patch up his injuries, to welcome him home with a loving embrace after you watched him save the world. It was now that you saw his true strength, his physical power and mental fortitude, and the future with him that was filled with a love you’d never felt. Something deep and beautiful, bright as the sun.

Just like him.

“I think I love you too, Izuku,” You whispered, watching the shine in his eyes as he turned onto your street, his face aglow with the light of the street lamp you’d parked under.

You knew then, as your eyes met, that he’d always be there to drive you home. He’d do anything for you, and you him. Because this was what love truly was, not one-sided chasing or lovelorn heartbreak, it was doing anything for the person you cared about the most.

It was slipping your hand into your best friend’s, glowing as your lips met for the first time.

#midoriya x y/n #midoriya x reader #izuku x reader #izuku mydoria #mha #bnha #my hero academia fic #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #boku no hero fanfic #fanfic #x reader

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albatris · 4 years ago

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Wait that sounds cool tell me more about Bright and Burning Things? (If you want to ofc you definitely don't have to)

:D!!! of course, I can tell you some stuff!!! thank you for the question, I'm happy you think it sounds cool!!

this is not really a super sensical explanation, this is some rambles, as usual

so, this is a short standalone project of mine, it's uhhhh........ hm. something something fantasy comedy something. it's meant to be a bit of a light-hearted adventure, but as it is with most of my more silly stories, it takes a sharp detour into some "oof" territory c':

bits of the premise sound kind of Heavy but silliness and heaviness go hand-in-hand quite nicely I think

the central character is a ghost kid! this kid’s name is Max! the story kicks off right after they die and they’re being ushered onto the bus that will take them to the afterlife. as they are being ushered onto said bus, they’re like “holy fuck wait no” because they have unfinished business in the living world. they got straight-up murdered! their life got cut short! they don’t have any closure! they don’t even know who killed them!! so they make a run for it and go ghost

and like, oh, this happens sometimes. the dead are sometimes quite affronted by the fact that they’re dead and kick up a bit of a fuss when it comes to Moving On. the thing is, souls aren’t really built for Being Ghosts and can’t really survive long out in the living world, so there’s a bit of a time limit on Max’s quest to figure out who killed them and solve the mystery of their own death, since if they stay too long in the living world as a disembodied soul they’ll start to unravel

related, and perhaps more pressingly, is that there’s various agents of the afterlife who are attempting to find them and bring them back and Make Them Move On. these forces take on a bit of an antagonistic role in the story, but they’re not really any malevolent force that wants to hurt Max, they’re just the folks who go after stray and panicked souls and try to bring them to the afterlife before they fade away and disappear completely

Max’s got shit to do, though, like I said

so the story follows Max over the course of one night as they piece together the story of their death and fill in the gaps in their memory, while also attempting to stave off their unravelling for as long as they can

Max becomes acquainted with various other supernatural beings who are on their own time-sensitive quests on the same night, n they form some sort of kinship over this fact and band together to help each other out on their missions

firstly there’s Daisy, stir-crazy thousand-year-old heir to the vampire throne, due to be crowned the next day, who suddenly had an existential crisis and was like “actually vampire society is dull as hell I wanna LIVE”

so she goes out into the human world and robs a pizza store and starts several fights and is like “hell YEAH this slaps” and basically decides she’s just gonna kick up some real chaos since this is her last night of freedom, basically, n she’s gotta make it count

she’s very smart! she knows next to nothing about human society and how to be a normal person though, and if you leave her unsupervised she will attempt to eat marbles

also the structure of vampire society is very convoluted and confusing and full of complete nonsense. it makes no sense to anyone but the vampires themselves, and even then the rest of the supernatural world is half convinced the vamps are just playing the long game with an extremely elaborate prank. their royalty live in an abandoned petrol station? they wear those little paper crowns from hungry jacks/burger king. they take themselves very seriously

also this is the story in which I was really drunk when I was planning it n just slammed some vodka and was like “VAMPIRES COME FROM SPACE NOW” and then sober logan just had to deal with that

ANYWAY

next there’s Hope and Deckchairs, a socially anxious uni student and a socially anxious demon respectively, and the deal with these two is uhhhhh

well, Hope was trying to be a Cool Kid and tagged along with some Cool Kids who wanted to do a demonic summoning ‘cause Hell Yeah That’s Edgy And Cool

and Deckchairs (not named Deckchairs at the time, this is a name that’s adopted during the story) was doing their very overdue demon taxes and stressing over demon finances, n then got yoinked out of the underworld because of the aforementioned summoning

(I think this is generally viewed among demons as a mild inconvenience, sometimes you get Yoinked when you’re right in the middle of something and you just have to be like “ugh fine I’ll just kick up a bit of a ruckus then come back”)

however, when the summoning actually works, the Cool Kids freak out and scatter and in the chaos Hope gets her head bonked on the side of a dresser and fuckin starts bleeding out, and Deckchairs is like “oh fuck I did not sign on for this” ‘cause they’re........ yeah, look, they’re gentle and anxious and not a very good demon, maybe. n so Deckchairs possesses the body of Hope to keep her alive

so now these two are co-piloting a body, and have to figure out a way they can split and return to their lives without Hope dying. however, they’re also being hunted down by

the Cool Kids, who are now all keyed up and paranoid and convinced they’re the heroes of a horror movie n they have to kill the demonic entity they brought into the world

the underworld, who.......... now, I haven’t figured out whether they’re pissed ‘cause they think Deckchairs is committing tax evasion by body-hopping into the human world, or they’re pissed just ‘cause Deckchairs has work to do and they don’t consider one human life to be worth all the hold up

so that’s not great for either of them, but like, yeah, if they can figure out a way to split and be done with it, it’s problem solved for both of them. yeehaw. too bad they’re both nearly too anxious to speak to each other

and that’s................................. all that

facts?

there’s a plot twist at the end that I am SUPER psyched about! and it has taken literally all of my willpower not to spoil it completely

I feel like it’s an easy one to guess, but it’s perfect for the story and the themes and it’s one I’m hella excited about

and this is..................... this is I think the only story of mine where I would say it doesn’t necessarily have a happy ending? like. it certainly doesn’t end in TRAGEDY, but this is definitely a bittersweet ending, it’s got some real sad undertones

it’s the best possible ending for the characters, but like, hey, my protagonist is already dead, y’know?

anyway if you read this far I hope some of this was fun for you :’))

thanks for coming to my ted talk I hope you have a nice day :D

#also worth noting this is the only story within this multiverse that explicitly features my Death character who i named Karen before #''Karen'' became a whole thing but like #there's a network of spirits who act as ''Deaths'' who just kinda cart people to the afterlife #with Karen driving a spraypainted minibus and she's a bit of a hippie she's v fun #bright and burning things

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myonechicagoworld · 4 years ago

Text

CHICAGO FIRE – VIRAL (S01E16)

[keys clinking]

Matt Casey: Thanks, mom.

Nancy Casey: Matt…

Matt Casey: I’ll see you tomorrow morning. We can… talk then.

Nancy Casey: Oh, oh, oh, jeez.

Matt Casey: Mom, why are you hiding from your parole officer?

Nancy Casey: [sighs] I went out last night. If she tests me, I won’t

pass. Just please get rid of her

Matt Casey: [stammers]

[sharp knocks at door]

Matt Casey: Ms. Kendrick.

Lady 1 (Kendrick): Hi, Matt. I’m here to check in on Nancy.

Matt Casey: Yeah, you just missed her. She’s out for a walk.

Lady 1 (Kendrick): I can wait.

Matt Casey: Um, my shift is about to start.

Lady 1 (Kendrick): Fine. Try later.

Matt Casey: Thank you.

cutscene

Clarice: Leslie.

Leslie Shay: Ms. Larocque, so sorry. This is just how it is when I’m

on shift. My apologies.

Clarice: Um, look…

[kissing sound]

Clarice: Daniel’s rejected her offer. He wants full custody.

Leslie Shay: I thought you said he’d take the deal.

Lady 2 (Ms. Larocque): It was a good deal, but the father has a

strong case.

Leslie Shay: Does he?

Lady 2 (Ms. Larocque): Let’s look at it from his lawyer’s

perspective. We’ve got a switch-hitter

who married a man, conceived a child

with him, then left him, and took the

child to go live with her former lesbian

lover, a woman with a time-

consuming and very hazardous

occupation.

Leslie Shay: Oh, come on.

Lady 2 (Ms. Larocque): I’m just looking for ways to normalise this

scenario as much as possible.

Leslie Shay: Normalise?

Lady 2 (Ms. Larocque): For instance, you two shacking up with a

skirt-chasing firefighter is not helping our

cause.

Clarice: I-I was just trying to tell her how Kelly has been so helpful.

Lady 2 (Ms. Larocque): Ladies, you want me to convince a judge

that you’re serious about being a family?

Then you need to get Clarice and this

baby into a warm, loving, nurturing, and

yes, normal home.

Clarice: [sighs]

Leslie Shay: Okay. We’ll get our own place.

[station alert buzzes & blares]

[siren wails and horn honks]

Chief Boden: (over radio) All companies be aware, we have a

lightweight truss construction heavy structure fire

Victim 1: I can’t get down the stairs. It’s too hot.

Chief Boden: All companies, third-floor rescue. Casey, get me two

ladders.

Matt Casey: Got it.

[indistinct chatter]

Matt Casey: Keep it flowing. Herrmann, Mills, Cruz, up the second

ladder

[grunts]

Gotcha.

Peter Mills: Come on, I got you, man. All right?

You’re doing good, man.

Victim 2 (Girl/Child): [coughs]

Leslie Shay: That’s it sweetheart.

Peter Mills: Good job, man.

Victim 1 (Dad): [coughing]

Peter Mills: Okay?

Victim 1 (Dad): Yeah.

Victim 2 (Girl/Child): What about Hudson? You have to get him.

Victim 1 (Man): The dog.

Victim 2 (Girl/Child): Hudson! Hudson!

Matt Casey: Cruz!

Mouch: Stay put, Cruz.

Joe Cruz: Wait a minute! I can hear him.

Come here, boy!

Chief Boden: Cruz, get out of there!

Matt Casey: Cruz! Cruz!

Joe Cruz: [grunts]

Hudson!

Where are you, boy?

[dog barking]

[creaking]

[dog barking]

Christopher Herrmann: Come here, come on.

Joe Cruz: Aah!

Matt Casey: (into radio) Man down! (over radio) Man down!

Mouch: I’m going.

[Pass alarm beeping] - title -

[pass alarm beeping]

Matt Casey: Cruz, call out!

Cruz!

[beeping continues]

Matt Casey: Hey, Cruz.

Cruz!

Mouch: You okay, buddy?

Joe Cruz: Uh, yeah, yeah, I think so.

Matt Casey: All right. We got to move.

Joe Cruz: [groans]

[creaking]

[indistinct shouting]

Matt Casey: Mouch!

Joe Cruz: Mouch! Mouch! Mouch!

Mouch: I’m okay.

Joe Cruz: Mouch!

Matt Casey: This way! Watch your feet!

Joe Cruz: Watch your feet! Gotcha!

Let’s go!

Mouch: [panting]

[indistinct background chatter]

Gabby Dawson: Mouch, you okay?

Mouch: Yeah.

Joe Cruz: Are you sure, man? Let ‘em check you out.

Mouch: I’m fine.

Gabby Dawson: Hey, Casey, how about you? You all right?

Matt Casey: Yeah.

Leslie Shay: You got a second-degree burn here.

Chief Boden: Take him to the hospital.

Joe Cruz: It’s nothing, Chief.

Chief Boden: Take him to the hospital.

Victim 2 (Girl/Child): You okay? Good boy.

Christopher Herrmann: Cruz is out of control.

cutscene

[dog growling]

[back up beeping]

Kelly Severide: Hey, Whaley, any new updates on Renee?

Eric Whaley: She’s okay physically. They’re going to keep her on a

72-hour hold.

Psychiatric observation.

Kelly Severide: Did you talk to her?

Eric Whaley: She wouldn’t see me.

I, uh, I don’t know what to do.

cutscene

Matt Casey: Thank you.

Gabby Dawson: Hey.

Matt Casey: Hey.

Gabby Dawson: How long are you going to freeze me out?

Matt Casey: I’m not freezing you out.

I gotta talk to Boden.

Gabby Dawson: Yeah, sure.

Matt Casey: Cruz is still in the ER. He’s telling doctors he wants to

come back and finish his shift.

Chief Boden: Did you happen to notice if Cruz’s bunker gear had a

cape sewn into it?

Matt Casey: No, Chief. It definitely does not.

Chief Boden: Then please dissuade your man of the notion that he

is invincible.

Matt Casey: Sure.

Otis Zvonecek: (recording) And that’s how our fellow firefighter was

saved today.

56 hits in less than an hour. Just tell me this thing’s

not going to go viral.

Gabby Dawson: Glad to see Mouch’s near-death experience can

help drive traffic to your podcast.

Otis Zvonecek: The whole point of the podcast is to show people

what we really do.

Christopher Herrmann: You’re supposed to be looking up how-to

videos on taping drywall.

Otis Zvonecek: All right.

Christopher Herrmann: We got to get back to fixing up the

Bombadier, all right. We’re behind

schedule.

Gabby Dawson: Oh, stop calling it the Bombadier. That name has

poisoned the well with the locals. We gotta…

re-christen it something else.

Otis Zvonecek: May I propose… Moustache Pete’s?

Gabby Dawson: No, you may not. We need something simple.

A single, evocative word like, uh, Solstice or

Perception or uh…

Otis Zvonecek: Pretentious? Or we could call it something fun like

Moustache Pete’s.

Christopher Herrmann: You can name it ‘out of business’ if we

don’t get back on schedule.

Otis Zvonecek: Okay, okay, here we go. How to tape drywall, part 1

of… 15.

Gee, you know who I bet’s really good at drywall?

Casey. Too bad somebody got on his bad side by

fraternising with one Detective Voight.

Leslie Shay: Hey, uh, listen, I need…

Kelly Severide: Hey, have I thanked you lately for opening your trap

about Renee? Because she’s currently in a psych

ward.

Leslie Shay: Kelly, she needs help. How fun do you think this is for

her?

Kelly Severide: Yeah. What did you want to talk about?

[station alert buzzes & blares]

(Over PA): Ambulance 61…

Leslie Shay: Tell you later.

(Over PA): Person down, Michigan and Upper Wacker.

Kelly Severide: [sighs]

cutscene

Matt Casey: Hey, Christie.

[door closes]

Matt Casey: I have a new proposal regarding mom. Give me a call

when you can. Bye.

Hey, Mouch. You okay?

Mouch: I came to you a while back, about Cruz… how there’s

something off about him, and you told me to shut up.

Matt Casey: In so many words, I guess.

Mouch: So are you still in charge of our truck, or do I have to go

around you and talk to Boden?

cutscene

[ambo door closes]

Gabby Dawson: Watching you and Kelly move back in and out of

that place is like watching a ping-pong match.

Leslie Shay: [chuckles] I know, I get it. I just hope he understands.

Lady 3 (Good Samaritan): I tried to get him to come inside a store,

but he won’t move.

Gabby Dawson: Hey, it’s too cold for you to be out here, hun.

What’s your name?

Man 1: Mick.

Gabby Dawson: Mick, can you stand up?

You think you can walk over to that ambulance?

Leslie Shay: Come on, Mick.

Gabby Dawson: Oh, yeah. We got you.

Whoa, 70 over 50. What are you on?

Man 1 (Mick): [grunts]

Gabby Dawson: [chuckles] Okay, fine. It looks like you might be

suffering from exposure, so we’re going to get

you to the hospital, all right?

Man 1 (Mick): No.

Gabby Dawson: Yeah.

Leslie Shay: It’s nice and warm at the hospital, Mick. You’ll like it.

Lots of pretty nurses.

Man 1 (Mick): Prettier than you two?

Leslie Shay: Come on, be realistic.

Gabby Dawson: Hey. Don’t worry about Severide. He’ll totally

understand why you need to move out.

Leslie Shay: I know, it’s just… after all the drama, it just sucks

having a lawyer make decisions about your living

situation.

Okay, Mick, just a little pinch.

Man 1 (Mick): [grunts]

Leslie Shay: Ahh! [pants]

[curtains drawing]

ER Doctor: We’ll keep trying to convince him to consent to a blood

draw, but we can’t force him to. And unless he does,

we can only guess at what transmittable diseases he’s

carrying.

Gabby Dawson: And judging from this cocktail of antivirals, you

must think this guy’s a walking petri dish.

ER Doctor: Hep-B’s always a big risk. Also Hep-C. The interferon

therapy should protect you against those, but given the

tracks on his arms and symptoms, I think we need to

treat you as though you’ve been exposed to HIV.

Leslie Shay: How soon can we test for HIV?

ER Doctor: Not for three months after exposure.

Here’s the first one.

Leslie Shay: [exhales]

Gabby Dawson: Hey, you’re going to be fine. The statistics are way

in your favour.

Leslie Shay: I mean, it’s like Russian roulette. Large bore needle

filled with this guy’s blood. If he has the hiccups, I’m

going to catch ‘em.

cutscene

[tv in background]

Peter Mills: Hey, uh, Lieutenant, I was hoping to ask you a question.

Um, I was looking at the list of up and coming classes

at the academy, and I’m… I’m trying to figure out which

ones to take to, if possible, make a move to Squad?

Kelly Severide: Let me eat my cornflakes first.

Peter Mills: Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Chief Boden: We can finish the exposure paperwork later.

Don’t worry, Shay, you’re getting the best care

available.

Leslie Shay: Thanks, Chief.

Kelly Severide: What’s wrong with her?

Gabby Dawson: Needle stick.

Mouch: Ugh. Was he sick?

Gabby Dawson: Yellow, track marks, and he didn’t agree to a blood

panel.

Peter Mills: You okay?

Gabby Dawson: I just want this shift to end. Casey hates me, now

my partner gets stuck.

Peter Mills: Casey?

Gabby Dawson: Yeah, forget it. It’s fine.

Peter Mills: Screw him. He doesn’t understand you, it’s his problem.

Gabby Dawson: Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Mills.

cutscene

Leslie Shay: Even if it’s just Hep-C, it’s, you know, 80% of infections

are chronic, and um, I’d be on disability for months,

and if Daniel’s lawyer finds out… [lightly sobs]

Kelly Severide: You’re getting ahead of yourself.

Leslie Shay: [sighs]

Kelly Severide: Wait for the test to come back.

Leslie Shay: Yeah.

[sighs] Um… the lawyer said that living with you isn’t

normal enough [voice breaking] So I have to move

out. I’m sorry.

Kelly Severide: You do whatever it takes to keep you, Clarice and

that baby together.

Leslie Shay: Yeah. Thanks.

cutscene

[tv in background]

Joe Cruz: Hey, Mouch.

Mouch: How’s the arm?

Joe Cruz: Burned but fine.

Hey, man, I wanted to thank you again.

Mouch: It’s in the job description, right?

Joe Cruz: Yeah.

Hey, also, I think I owe you an apology.

[sighs]

cutscene

[knocks on door]

[door shuts]

Gabby Dawson: [sighs] I realise you may not understand why I went

to Voight.

I didn’t have another choice, and it made all the

difference in Antonio’s case.

Matt Casey: He threatened me and my fiancé.

Gabby Dawson: He saved my brother, Casey.

[knock on door]

Mouch: Cruz is back, in case you’re interested.

[door closes]

Joe Cruz: I screwed up, Lieutenant. It won’t happen again, believe

me.

Matt Casey: I tried that once already. When you told me you could

live with your sins, that turned out to be a lie.

Joe Cruz: Lieutenant, you got to believe…

Matt Casey: This is not a conversation! If you’ve come to hate

yourself, if you’ve decided that you don’t deserve to

live, well, that’s your problem. Do you wanna stand

at the ceremony where we pin Mouch’s badge next

to Darden’s because he burned to death trying to

save someone who’s already dead inside? If your

badge isn’t on Boden’s desk by next shift, I’ll go to

the police about Flaco. It’ll mean the end of my

career too. But hey, I’ll pound nails for a living.

What I can’t do is stand by and watch you

endanger one more of my men.

[somber music]

cutscene

Lady 4 (Real Estate Agent): The kitchen’s just being redone. New

cabinets, new appliances, laundry

hook-ups are right over there.

Leslie Shay: Okay.

Um… school wise, uh, I know Wesley’s young, but…

Lady 4 (Real Estate Agent): Oh, it’s never too early to think about

that. We’re in the very desirable Bell

elementary school district. But I

have to be honest with you. I’ve

got a lot of people interested in

this unit.

Leslie Shay: Okay, can you just give us, like, a second?

Lady 4 (Real Estate Agent): Sure.

Leslie Shay: Thank you.

Clarice: Uh, okay. Thank you.

So the uh, the lawyer says that Daniel’s attorneys could find

out about the needle stick during discovery.

Leslie Shay: Look, Daniel’s lawyer can say whatever he wants.

What that judge is going to see is a family ready to

provide Wesley with a warm and loving home… in

a very desirable school district.

Clarice: You’re right [chuckles lightly]

I’m sorry.

We’ll take it.

cutscene

[buzzer]

Kelly Severide: [sniffs]

Renee Whaley: [clears throat]

[scoffs]

[door closes]

Renee Whaley: What, you expected a straitjacket?

Why are you here exactly?

Kelly Severide: Because your brother asked me to come.

Renee Whaley: Poor Eric. He thinks he’s finally cracked the puzzle

that is Renee.

All this nonsense about me sleeping with Dean.

Kelly Severide: I’m not here to argue about that.

Renee Whaley: Oh, right, because as my life turned to ashes, you

just coasted on and forgot all about me.

Kelly Severide: You don’t know anything about my life.

Renee Whaley: [scoffs] I know that Kelly Severide is doing just fine.

We’re done. Take me back.

Open the door.

Kelly Severide: Renee.

[keypad beeping]

[buzzer]

[door closes]

cutscene

Otis Zvonecek: Dawson, you have absolutely no idea what you’re

doing, huh?

Gabby Dawson: What are you talking about?

Otis Zvonecek: Call Casey.

[sighs]

[metal clanging]

[wall plaster dropping]

Christopher Herrmann: What the hell?

[metal clangs & wall plaster dropping]

Otis Zvonecek: Whoa.

Christopher Herrmann: Stephanidies didn’t say anything about a

safe.

Gabby Dawson: What do you think’s inside?

Christopher Herrmann: Nothing good. My luck don’t run that way.

[metal clangs]

Otis Zvonecek: Well, let’s open it and find out. Worst-case scenario,

it’s empty.

Christopher Herrmann: What if it contains a decomposed head of

some gangster that went missing in the

‘20s? Next thing you know, this bar gets

wrapped in crime scene tape, and we

can’t get back in here.

Otis Zvonecek: If there’s a mobster’s head in there, Moustache

Pete’s gonna be famous.

Gabby Dawson: We’re not calling it Moustache Pete’s.

Otis Zvonecek: Yes we are.

Christopher Herrmann: Forget it. That safe is bad news.

Look out.

Gabby Dawson: Hey Herrmann!

cutscene

Matt Casey: Each week my shift moves up a day. Tuesday and

Friday this week, Monday and Thursday next

week. I’ve drawn up a list of house rules that

mom would have to agree to. Uh, curfews, when

she can have visitors. You can add whatever you

want to the list.

Christie: Matt, no.

Matt Casey: Christie, I need you. Please, at least on the days I’m on

shift.

Christie: Will I have to learn how to lie to her parole officer too?

[chair slides back]

Christie: Mom.

Nancy Casey: Christie.

You look wonderful.

Wow, you realise this is the first time we’ve all been

together as a family in, like, 15 years?

Matt Casey: Yeah.

Nancy Casey: I guess the real purpose of this meeting is to [sniffs]

discuss the mom problem.

Christie: Okay, fine. I’ll talk to Jim.

Matt Casey: Okay. Now let’s eat.

The chicken sandwich is great, by the way.

Christie: I’m a vegan [clears throat]

Matt Casey: Since when?

Christie: [scoffs] Going on ten years, Matt.

Matt Casey: I did not know that. I… wow.

Is that like a vegetarian, or is it the eggs thing? You

can’t eat anything?

Christie: Oh my gosh.

Matt Casey: What?

Christie: Do I seriously have to explain this to you?

Matt Casey: What? No, that’s fine.

cutscene

[knock on door]

Kelly Severide: Hey, did you get my message?

Eric Whaley: Yeah. What did she say?

Kelly Severide: Nothing that matters. She’s angry.

Eric Whaley: At me?

Kelly Severide: At me. At… at… at everything.

Look, I-I’m sorry, but all this was against my better

judgement, and now she’s spinning out, so…

Eric Whaley: No, I get it. I get it. Thanks, Kelly.

This is, uh, it’s my last shift at 51. I’m glad we got the

chance to work together.

[door shuts]

cutscene

Mouch: Is Cruz gonna grace us with his presence today?

Matt Casey: I don’t know.

Mouch: You talk to him?

Matt Casey: I did.

Mouch: How’d that talk go?

Matt Casey: Don’t worry about it, Mouch. I talked to him. That’s all

you need to know.

[locker door shuts]

cutscene

Priest: “You brood of vipers, who warned you to flee from the

coming wrath? Produce good fruit as evidence of your

repentance. Even now, the axe lies at the root of the

trees. Therefore, every tree, which does not bear good

fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. I am

baptising you with water for repentance, but the one

who is coming after me is mightier than I. I am not

worthy to carry his sandals. He will baptise you with

the Holy Spirit and fire. And do not presume to say

to yourselves, ‘we have Abraham as our father.’”

Child 1: Look, mom, a fireman.

Priest: “And raise up children to Abraham with these stones. Then

Jesus came from Galilee to John at the Jordan to be

baptised by him. John tried to prevent him, saying, ‘I need

to be baptised by you, and yet you come to me?�� Jesus

said to him… [continues speaking in background]

cutscene

Otis Zvonecek: I read the whole thing, front to back. There’s no

codicil in this deed about any safe.

Gabby Dawson: We bought the bar, lockstock, and barrel. That

means the safe rightly belongs to you, me and

Otis.

Otis Zvonecek: Along with whatever’s inside. Whether it’s an old

stamp collection or bearer bonds or, gold

doubloons.

Gabby Dawson: You’re outvoted Herrmann, two to one.

Christopher Herrmann: We didn’t buy that bar hoping to find

buried treasure. We bought it as an

honest investment. And for the first

time in my life, I feel like I’m onto

something good and real. Now

whatever is in that safe, somebody

put it in there and locked it away for

a reason. Why don’t we leave it alone

and get on with our plan?

Gabby Dawson: Yeah, we’re gonna open the safe.

Otis Zvonecek: Seconded.

[station alert buzzes & blares]

(Over PA): Truck 81, Ambulance 61, Battalion 25. Bomb squad

assist, Wrightwood and Jesse.

Dispatcher: (over radio) CPD be advised, divert all traffic. Bomb

disposal unit on site in Lincoln Square.

Peter Mills: So what exactly is our role in a bomb squad assist?

Christopher Herrmann: Nothing. Not unless the bomb tech snips

the wrong wire.

Matt Casey: What’s the story, Chief?

Chief Boden: A tenant committed suicide in his car around back,

shot himself in the head. But the police are suspect

because the deceased was turned down four times

by the CPD, and there is a gasoline smell coming

from the inside.

Man 2 (Bomb Tech Squad Lt): Zoom in.

Our mast camera confirmed the

place is wired.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): We should cut our way in.

Kelly Severide: We have access to the apartment above?

[whirring]

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): That’ll do it.

Kelly Severide: Great, we’ll get out of your way.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): Whoa. There’s a woman down there.

[suspenseful music]

Leslie Shay: The neighbour say it’s his ex-wife.

Man 2 (Bomb Tech Squad Lt): My guy will go in and see if it’s

secure and your guys can bring

her out.

Chief Boden: (into radio) Severide, you sure you want (over radio) to

do this?

Kelly Severide: (into radio) We’re here, right? (over radio) Gonna

need a jump bag, though.

Chief Boden: (into radio) Copy that.

Kelly Severide: All right. Okay.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): Carpet’s wet. Gasoline.

She’s been stabbed. Come on down.

Kelly Severide: (into radio) Dawson, Shay, she’s got a steak knife

stuck in her abdomen.

Gabby Dawson: (into radio) Pulse?

Kelly Severide: (over radio) Weak.

Hey, can you get us out that door?

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): There’s quick, and there’s safe. Which do you

want?

Kelly Severide: I wanna save this woman’s life.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): Huh.

Kelly Severide: Huh?”W-What huh?

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): A small incendiary device set to spark the

gasoline. This’ll take a few minutes to

disarm.

Kelly Severide: She doesn’t have a few minutes.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): I got two more wires splitting here. It’s wired

here too. Headed… Here we go.

I got at least 5 pounds of mixed ammonium

nitrate. Well that plus the gasoline is a

fertiliser bomb.

Kelly Severide: (into radio) Hey, Chief, (over radio) is everyone

back?

Chief Boden: (into radio) You just get yourself down here, Kelly.

Gabby Dawson: (into radio) How’s she doing, Severide?

Kelly Severide: (into radio) Weaker.

Gabby Dawson: (over radio) How much blood’s on the floor?

Kelly Severide: (into radio) Uh, it’s not that much.

Gabby Dawson: (into radio) Then she’s bleeding internally. You

gotta move.

(over radio) Pack that knife, so it doesn’t shift when

you move her.

Kelly Severide: (over radio) Where the hell’s that jump bag?

(into radio) Whaley’s here.

Gabby Dawson: (over radio) Use all the gauze and tape he’s got to

keep it secure.

Eric Whaley: Someone’s always got it worse.

Kelly Severide: Ain’t that right.

(over radio) Packing around the knife. Hey, we need

that door open now.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): (over radio) Attempting to disarm the door.

Chief Boden: (into radio) Kelly. Kelly.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): (over radio) We’re good. Door’s open.

Kelly Severide: (over radio) Woman’s coming out.

Eric Whaley: Who says engine only knows how to put out a fire?

cutscene

Matt Casey: Okay. I’ll talk to Boden.

[door shuts]

Mouch: [sighs] What happened, Joe?

[knocks on door]

Joe Cruz: I kicked in that door, convinced Leon was in there.

I even knew I was too late.

But it wasn’t Leon, it was Flaco.

Mouch: Dead. It was Flaco, and you were too late.

Joe Cruz: All I could think was, if I pulled him out of those flames, I

might as well throw Leon back in.

Mouch: Ah, you don’t know that.

Joe Cruz: I thought that God was just handing me the answer to my

problems.

But now I know it was the devil. I thought I could run from

him, non-stop. First one in, last one out [shaky breath]

And then I almost killed you. I could have killed Otis or

Herrmann or Casey, all because I’m weak [sobs]

But now I know… I’m the one that has to suffer, not you.

Mouch: Joe, I forgive you.

Joe Cruz: [sobbing] It’s not right for me to bring my sins into this

house and have my brothers sacrifice for what I did.

Mouch: Joe, listen to me. I forgive you.

Joe Cruz: [sobs]

cutscene

Chief Boden: What can I do for you, Casey?

Mouch: Lieutenant! Can I have a minute?

Matt Casey: Now’s not a good time, Mouch.

Mouch: Yes, it is.

[door closes]

Mouch: You don’t have to do this to him.

Matt Casey: There’s more to it that you know, Mouch.

Mouch: He told me everything. Now I don’t know if he was waiting

for God or Flaco’s ghost or just somebody to say it, but

he needed to know what he did was okay. He screwed

up. He knows it. But he was taking care of his family.

How far would you go for the ones you love? How far

have you gone?

[door closes]

cutscene

Peter Mills: [chuckles]

[phone rings]

Leslie Shay: Hello?

Yes, this is Leslie Shay.

He consented to a blood draw.

Gabby Dawson: That’s good isn’t it?

Leslie Shay: Mmhmm, mmhmm.

Okay, thank you.

He’s clean, he tested negative for everything [sigh of

relief]

Oh…

[giggling]

cutscene

[buzzer]

[door shuts]

Man 4 (Orderly): Good luck, Renee.

Renee Whaley: Yeah, thanks.

For real?

Kelly Severide: Come get in the car. There’s something we need to

see.

Renee Whaley: Go to hell.

Kelly Severide: You’ll full of it, you know that?

Renee Whaley: Oh I am, huh? Is that gonna get me into your car?

Kelly Severide: Ignore everything that’s real, go ahead.

Renee Whaley: Whatever.

Kelly Severide: Your brother was a hero today.

Renee Whaley: That is so low.

Kelly Severide: You stopped, didn’t you?

30 minutes. Then I take you anywhere you want to

go.

cutscene

[saw whirring]

[metal clanging]

Gabby Dawson: [sighs] It’s just a box.

We never should have opened this.

cutscene

[car door shuts]

Matt Casey: Mom’s just getting her things.

Christie: Okay.

Matt Casey: Thanks for agreeing to this, Christie. I really think it’ll

work.

Christie: Yeah, well, tomorrow morning at 8:01, she’s all yours

again.

Matt Casey: Understood.

Christie: Friend of yours?

Matt Casey: Nope

Nancy Casey: That’s Cheyenne.

Matt Casey: Your old cellmate?

Nancy Casey: Yeah.

You two gave me back my freedom, but I don’t want

to be your problem anymore. So I’m gonna go stay

with Cheyenne until I figure out what’s next.

Matt Casey: Mom, I don’t think your PO is going…

Nancy Casey: Aww, don’t worry I’ll sort things out with Kendrick.

But I’m not gonna be the wedge that drives you two

apart anymore.

Oh, be a brother and sister again, okay? You know,

be there for each other.

Hey, how’s it going?

Lady 5 (Cheyenne): Hi.

[car door shuts]

cutscene

Lady 4 (Real Estate Agent): Are we gonna sign the lease or not?

Leslie Shay: Yes, we are. We definitely are, I’m sorry. I can’t get a

hold of her. Um…

Oh, hey.

Clarice: Hey.

Leslie Shay: Did you get my message?

Clarice: Yeah, that’s, uh… great news.

Leslie Shay: We should sign the lease.

Clarice: Uh, actually, would you mind giving us a second?

So, um… Daniel offered to settle. You know, split custody, I

mean, if I move to New York with the baby.

Leslie Shay: Good, that’s great. He blinked.

Clarice: I took the deal

Leslie Shay: What?

Clarice: I just, I can’t keep fighting him anymore, Les. So I’m gonna

go to, uh, I’m gonna go to New York.

Leslie Shay: No, Clarice. Just stand up to him. We can win this.

Clarice: I’m leaving tonight.

Shay…

cutscene

[engine rumbling]

Renee Whaley: Okay, I get it.

Kelly Severide: Come on.

[car door shuts]

Renee Whaley: [scoffs]

[huffs]

Kelly Severide: It’s quieter than I remember.

Renee Whaley: Please don’t.

Kelly Severide: You’re the one who said life never looked simpler

than it did from right here.

Renee Whaley: Well, that was crap. Sometimes a view is just a

view. [exhales]

Kelly Severide: You know, I never had anything close to a real

relationship since you.

Renee Whaley: Really?

Kelly Severide: One girl I liked… really liked… but she left. Or I let

her leave. I should have made it work, but

sometimes, it’s easier just to let things fall apart.

Renee Whaley: I slept with Dean.

And now I see you, and I see my family. And all I can

see is what I lost.

Kelly Severide: Sometimes a view is just a view.

Renee Whaley: [chuckles]

[sniffles]

Kelly Severide: I’ve missed you.

Renee Whaley: I figured you hated me.

Kelly Severide: Oh I did.

But not anymore.

[engine revving]

[door closes]

[car door closes]

[engine starts]

- end -

Definitions:

Skirt-chasing = A man with amorous intentions who habitually seeks our female companionship

Lightweight truss construction = Consists of top and bottom members that run parallel. These are referred to as chords and are made of wood. These chords are cross – connected for support by wood that forms a web like pattern. The wood members are connected together with a fastener made of stamped sheet metal containing spikes

Hep-B = Hepatitis B is an infection of the liver caused by a virus that’s spread through blood and body fluids. It often does not cause any obvious symptoms in adults, and typically passes in a few months without treatment. But in children, it often persists for years and may eventually cause serious liver damage

Hep-C = Hepatitis C is an infectious disease caused by the hepatitis C virus (HCV) that primarily affects the liver; it is a type of viral hepatitis. During the initial infection, people often have mild or no symptoms. Occasionally, a fever, dark urine, abdominal pain and yellow tinged skin occurs. Hepatitis C can usually be treated with antiviral medicines. These need to be taken for several weeks. You can catch Hepatitis C from contact with blood of an infected person, such as sharing needles. It’s very rare to catch it from having sex.

Interferon therapy = It is a possible treatment for a number of different types of cancer. It is also used to treat conditions other than cancer including Hepatitis B and Hepatitis C

HIV = Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) is a virus that damages the cells in your immune system and weakens your ability to fight everyday infections and disease. HIV can be transmitted from 1 person to another. There’s currently no cure for HIV, but there are very effective drug treatments that enable most people with the virus to live a long and healthy life.

Codicil = An addition or supplement that explains, modifies, or revokes a will or part of one.

Ammonium nitrate = Is a chemical compound with the chemical formula NH4NO3. It is a white crystalline solid consisting of ammonium and nitrate. It is highly soluble in water and hygroscopic as a solid, although it does not form hydrates. It is predominantly used in agriculture as a high-nitrogen fertiliser. Ammonium nitrate, which is used in fertilisers and bomb making, is a salt made from ammonium and nitric acid, and is highly explosive. The more ammonium nitrate, the bigger its explosive capacity. Once a reaction is sparked, ammonium nitrate explodes violently.

PO = Probation officer

11 notes · View notes

pneumasthesia · 3 years ago

Text

Epilogue

“Hey, kid! Your time’s up. Get out so the real psychologists can use the room” says a mildly annoyed voice from outside the room.

“Yes, yes, yes, of course. Just give us a moment and we’ll be right out” responds the therapist, with more than a mild tone of annoyance.

“Come on, sleeping beauty, we’re going to have to end the show here and get out now” he says, shaking awake the middle-aged woman passed out on a reclining chair in front of him.

“Ugh, just when I had started to have an actually restful sleep. How annoying” the culprit sleepily responds.

“Oh, so you were actually sleeping this time” the therapist exclaims with further growing annoyance, “I had thought you were having another trip, but now that you’re done with that you’re just trying to fool me into letting you off any further examination, isn’t that right?”

“Obviously. I just relived the most traumatic moment in my life, of course I’d want a rest afterwards” she answers while getting off the chair to leave the examination room.

“That’s all well and good for you” says the therapist, his annoyance reaching its peak, “but some of us here have research to do and precious little time to get it done.”

“Don’t worry ‘Pet’, I’m not going anywhere” the culprit reassures, “I’ll surely be in this psychiatric ward for the rest of my life.”

The patient and doctor-to-be walk down the psych ward’s hallways, passing by patients and therapists alike on their way back to the culprit’s room.

“That’s exactly why I have to rush” the therapist says, a note of faint concern in his tone, “don’t you want to see the other pneumasthetes again?”

“Is that the name you’ve given us sufferers?” the culprit questions, “you’ve really taken to continuing the old man’s research, even using the same name for the disorder.”

“I may not have liked his methods or his reasons, but his hypotheses are still worth considering” Pet answers somewhat defensively, “besides, those theories of his are just as much mine.”

“Hmm? What do you mean? You came up with that fantastical theory?” the culprit says.

“I wouldn’t say it’s all that fantastical” the therapist explains, “given that it’s based on experience.”

The culprit suddenly halts her advance down the psych ward hallway and turns back to her therapist, mouth agape.

“You have pneumasthesia too?” she exclaims.

“Of course” Pet answers matter-of-factly, “you’ve seen through my eyes, I mean walked in my shoes, you must have noticed that.”

“I thought that those were my abilities” the culprit says with some degree of embarrassment.

“But you’ve never experienced those things before, have you?” the therapist questions, “from what I’ve gathered your particular type of pneumasthesia is based around seeing people as stock personality archetypes, whereas mine manifests as ‘seeing’ people’s current thoughts and emotions.”

The culprit starts walking again, deep in thought. Eventually she speaks up, “but that doesn’t explain what I experienced. I saw the thoughts and emotions that other people had in the past. Neither of our abilities can do that.”

“It’s not accurate to call our conditions ‘abilities’” the therapist explains, “if you talk about pneumasthesia like that, the other psychologists will discount my research as nonsensical postulating about ESP.”

“Is that not what it is?” the culprit rudely interjects.

“Hurtful, but not true this time” the therapist says with an amused chuckle, “from what little research I have been able to do, I can say with some certainty that there is a mostly logical explanation for everything we have experienced.”

“’Mostly, huh? Very well then, explain it to me, Professor” the culprit says with a wide smirk.

The therapist returns the smirk and begins “well, surely you remember the late Professor’s explanation?”

“Yes, empathy is supposedly a sixth sense all people possess and, in some people, these ‘pneumasthetes’, that sense becomes conflated with another sense” the culprit continues.

“Quite right” the therapist congratulates with the tone of a kind teacher, “in some cases, that is. For example, that young man had his personal empathic judgement of other people’s personalities conflated with his ability to perceive color.”

“Only his own judgement of personalities?” the culprit asks, “I thought empathy was some sort of secret infallible sense, not something that subjective.”

“No. Like I said, there is nothing fantastical about this condition” answers the therapist, “a less charitable psychologist may simply disregard that young man’s ‘powers’ as hallucinations since they are only based off how he subjectively views other people.”

He continues with his explanation “that is why he was unable to tell two people that he perceived as ‘Green’ apart. After you, the great blue ocean that you are, had a sudden change of heart, he perceived your ‘soul’ as that of a different person, due to his flawed judgement of your surface-level change in persona.”

“Hmm, alright, but that still doesn’t change why he couldn’t tell us apart without his color-personality hallucinations” the culprit says, “It’s not like he was blind as well.”

“Not blind, but face-blind” the therapist says.

“What?” the culprit says incredulously.

“It’s called Prosopagnosia. He generally just tells people apart by their hair, height, and clothes, but since you and the older man were similar in those regards, he had to rely on your colors to tell you apart” the therapist says, “it took a lot of testing to convince him that he had that condition. He was so adamant on insisting that he was ‘normal’.”

“Huh, so even he had a condition like that” the culprit says, contemplatively, “what about the others. What about that girl?”

“Her?” the therapist says, caught by surprise for a moment before beginning to smile at the culprit’s touching concern, “her condition is much simpler, she was highly empathic and sensed her exceedingly accurate judgements of people’s personalities as noise. It should have been a very easy condition to diagnose, but her Schizophrenic auditory hallucinations somewhat complicated my analysis.”

“Schizophrenia” the culprit muses, “I had thought her condition was more like mine, but that makes more sense.”

The therapist lets out a good-natured laugh, “well there was certainly something about you that made her open up to you more quickly than anyone else. It took me at least a dozen meetings to get her to speak. She just kept having those panic attacks whenever I was nearby.”

The culprit lets out a mocking laugh, “that’s to be expected. You try to pretend that you’re extremely empathic and all that, but deep down you’re just an awkward little kid.”

The culprit quickly transitions into another line of questioning, “speaking of awkward children, what about that strange older man?”

“Wow, that was extremely rude” the therapist notes, “it’s a good thing he’s not here so I don’t have to lie and tell you that your judgement is false. His condition is a little bit more complex. His sense of empathy is crossed with the part of his brain that recognizes quantities of objects.”

“Counting is its own sense?” asks the culprit, “I didn’t know that.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s a sense per say” the therapist explains, “that’s why I said that the Professor’s explanation was incomplete. From what I’ve seen Pneumasthesia can include the crossing of empathy with less straightforward neurological processes.”

“Is that the reason why his judgement of other people was so flawed?” the culprit asks, “he even thought that I was kind and ‘complete’ or some nonsense like that.”

“I wouldn’t say that particular judgement of his was entirely wrong” the therapist says with a smile, “the fact that he is on the autism spectrum is probably the reason for his somewhat, let’s go with ‘awkward’ empathic senses.”

“Autism?” exclaims the culprit, nearly tripping on the stairs as the two pneumasthetes walk up them to her room, “that makes sense, but I wouldn’t have expected it from the way he acted.”

“Me neither” the therapist laughs to himself, and at himself, “I feel ashamed as a psychologist to have been so closeminded as to think that someone so functional in social situations couldn’t be autistic. He was simply well adjusted to working with his condition.”

The culprit is silent for a bit, reevaluating her judgement of the older man, before speaking up, “and what about that old lady? What was her deal?”

“Her ‘deal’, as you put it so crudely, is memory loss” the therapist answers.

“And what about her type of pneumasthesia?” the culprit probes.

“She didn’t have it, at least I’d wouldn’t say so from what I gathered” the therapist says with a shrug, “the Professor misdiagnosed her. These things happen.”

“Oh” the culprit ruminates on this thought before realizing something and speaking up, “wait, but what about yours and my conditions? That’s what I was asking about at the start and you didn’t answer.”

“Yes, yes, yes, of course. I was getting to that” the therapist says with a laugh, “I was just taking my time to ease into that whole complex affair.”

The therapist takes a deep breath as the two reach the floor that the culprit’s room is on, then begins his explanation, “my condition is fairly simple to explain because it’s the basis for the initial theory that guided the Professor’s research after he examined me. My sense of empathy is crossed with the part of my brain that recognizes visual information, but because my eyes do not function due to a birth defect, that part of my brain works entirely on processing empathic information, causing me to ‘see’ people’s thoughts and emotions with great clarity.”

“That’s basically what I figured that it was” the culprit says, “but you would only be able to see people’s current thoughts, right? How does that lead to seeing people’s memories?”

“That’s where your peculiar condition comes in” the therapist says, “I theorize that your sense of empathy, that being your subjective judgement of other people’s personalities, has been crossed with your long-term memory.”

The culprit appears befuddled by this explanation, “what exactly does that mean?”

“It means that when you first see a person, you judge them as possessing a particular set of personality traits, you then associate those traits with a familiar personality archetype in your head” the therapist theorizes, “in your case people are conflated with the archetypal Arcana of the Tarot.”

“So in simple terms, it’s a crossing of memory and empathy” the culprit suggests.

“Yes, you could say that” the therapist says.

“And you said it’s based off my ‘subjective judgement’, not anything more concrete than that” the culprit says.

“Yes, it’s no different than that young man’s condition” the therapist agrees, “well there is one difference, because this condition causes you to associate people you’ve just met with familiar archetypes, it causes you to falsely assume familiarity with people, potentially leading to an inflated sense of your own accuracy in your judgement of people’s personalities.”

The culprit gives a sharp laugh in response to this statement, “well, if you put it like that, it can hardly be considered a superpower at all, it’s basically a curse!”

The therapist does not smile in response to this self-deprecation, “I wouldn’t say it’s bad exactly. It’s just a different way to see the world.”

The culprit turns her head away from her therapist, “you are nice, you know that. Saying these things to me even after what I’ve done. Calling me a man and all that.”

“You may be a murderer, but your life is still your own” the therapist states without hesitating, “you should be able to enjoy it however you are able and make your own choices about how you want to spend it, and who you want to spend it being, so of course I’ll support your transition.”

The culprit turns his head back to his therapist, a wry smile on his effeminate face, “you’re sure that you don’t want to diagnose me with some sort of self-hating delusion? Something to do with my bipolar personality disorder, or whatever they call it?”

The therapist returns his patient’s mocking smirk, “it doesn’t matter if you believe you’re a man because you’re crazy or not. If it makes you happy, and you’re not hurting anyone, it’s not my job to tell you what to do.”

The duo begins to laugh to themselves as they stand in front of the entrance to the culprit’s room. The culprit stands with his back to the closed door, clearly not wanting to retreat to his quarters alone again.

After a moment of contemplation, the culprit speaks up, “so I know what my condition is, but how did that whole ‘memory trip’ thing happen?”

The therapist turns away for a moment and speaks with less confidence than usual, “I’m not fully sure in this case. That one was a first for me too. I just had a theory that if the two of us stimulated our empathy and memories with a few pointed questions, that something potentially therapeutic might happen. I can’t be sure that what I experienced was the same as what you experienced, but I have a vague idea as to why it happened.”

The therapist continues, “my condition causes me to perceive the emotions or others as if they were my own vision, and your condition causes you to perceive the emotions of others as part of your memory, so perhaps when the two of us began to look into each other’s heads, the thoughts of others and your memories were temporarily entangled, causing us to witness the memories of other people.”

“That seems like a leap of logic” the culprit says, “something like definitely sounds like Sci-fi nonsense. It’s not like either of us ever witnessed those memories ourselves, so how could they have been in our heads?”

“I don’t think those were anyone’s memories” the therapist says, “I think they might have been our own fabrications of what we thought their memories might have been.”

The culprit stares back at his therapist incredulously, “you mean that those things we witnessed were not the truth, that we just made them all up and thought they were other people’s memories?”

“Perhaps” the therapist reluctantly says.

The culprit slumps back on the door, “you’re telling me that none of that was what really happened?”

“No” the therapist answers, “but just because it was not true, doesn’t mean it can’t be useful to believe in it.”

The culprit answers back, “how can a lie help me understand the truth of myself any better?”

The therapist takes a long pause, contemplating how to say this, and finally speaks “all observation is a lie that our brains tell us. We have no way to know if our experience of the world is true, so all people experience their own false truth. I think that we should be allowed to believe in whatever lie about reality helps us live better.”

“I refuse to live a life built on a lie” the culprit states flatly.

The therapist looks disappointed, but not surprised, “I understand, but I think that lie did do good for you.” The culprit looks away, unwilling to admit to it. The therapist continues, “please, just think about it.”

The culprit does not respond, taking a long moment to sort through his thoughts. He doesn’t seem to come to a conclusion, and simply pushes those thoughts aside before saying, “so tell me, what actually happened, in the objective reality?”

The therapist gives a sad smile and begins to recount the “true” story of events, “what actually happened was that after we discovered the body, the police were called over and all of the people present were taken under custody for questioning. I was suspected at first, but suspicion was quickly dropped after it was discovered that I was blind. The investigation took quite a while, but after some handprint analysis on bloodstains found on the gun and the determination that you had Bipolar Personality Disorder, you were charged with the crime.”

“What does me being bipolar have to do with anything?” the culprit asks.

The therapist sighs, digging up unpleasant memories, “that investigation was not pretty. The police interrogated all the guests rather forcefully. Everyone present was considered guilty until proven innocent owing to their mental illnesses. The detectives in charge thought that any one of us could have been a psychopathic murderer. When they finally determined you to possess violent mood swings, they indicted you without any further investigation.”

“Are you saying that I may not have killed the Professor” the culprit questions, a faint note of hope in his voice.

“Do you truly not remember at all what happened in that room on that night?” the therapist asks.

“No” the culprit answers, “it’s all just a blur. It frightened me, thinking what I might have done in that moment.”

“You must have had some selective memory loss” the therapist postulates, “perhaps by separating your memory of yourself from your own personal memory, you constructed an archetypal personality distinct from yourself that you could blame for your own past actions.”

The culprit looks away from his therapist, ashamed. The therapist puts his hand on his patient’s shoulder, having to reach up quite a distance to do so, “it must have been an unconscious self-defense mechanism. Something like that is very common among sufferers of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’d know, I’ve had a lot of experience working with that condition.”

“Don’t tell me that you’re about to admit to having that condition too?” the culprit jokes.

“No, no, no” the therapist laughs, “but a previous patient of mine that you might know quite well did. One of my responsibilities as his assistant was to help him deal with his condition and calm him down when it flared up.”

The culprit is incredulous once again, “you mean to say that the Professor had PTSD? Is that why he shot at that girl in such a panic?”

“I believe so” the therapist says with a sigh, “his symptoms were very severe: hallucinations, panic attacks, violent tendencies. That wasn’t the first time that he’d struck out at some ghost of his mind’s invention, neither was it the last.”

“What do you mean?” the culprit asks.

“At the scene of the crime” the therapist hesitates, then speaks, “there were signs of a struggle.”

“What? I don’t remember any struggle.” The culprit says, realization beginning to dawn on him.

“From investigation that was done after the case was laid to rest, evidence was found that may suggest that the Professor was the one who attacked first, not you” the therapist says, looking his patient straight in the eye, at least as accurately as he can manage.

“You mean…” the culprit slides down the door he is leaning against and crumples down to the floor, “I killed him in self-defense?!”

“It is possible” the therapist says, “he was in a dangerous state of mind. Seeing you enter with a gun, he may have attacked you, and in the confusion, you may have accidentally ended his life without having truly intended to from the start. After a traumatic experience like that, you could have shut away that memory and convinced yourself that killing the Professor was not a mistake made in the heat of the moment, but a calculated plot from the beginning.”

The culprit holds his knees close to his chest and chuckles a bit to himself, “that seems like something I’d do. Even in a time like that, I couldn’t admit to myself that I could have made a mistake. That is some seriously destructive self-love.”

“Perhaps it was done out of self-hate, not self-love” the therapist suggests. The culprit stops laughing at this suggestion and looks away.

The two are silent for a long few seconds. Then, the therapist reaches his hand down to his patient to help him get up. As soon as he does this, the culprit stand up on his own, a smile having erased all other emotion that was on his face before.

“One last question” he blurts out, “I never got your name. What is it, in full?”

The therapist is taken aback, for numerous reasons, “I could have sworn that I introduced myself properly when we started the therapy session today.”

“You probably did, but I didn’t pay attention” the culprit says without any shame, “so tell me it again.”

The therapist seems mildly offended but shakes it off and says, “Peter Eric Tomas-Jacobs, that’s my full name.”

“Doesn’t that make your initials PETJ?” the culprit questions, “I thought you were the ‘PET’.”

“Well, at the time that we first met, my name was only Peter Eric Tomas” Peter answers, “the second family name is a recent addition.”

The culprit stares blankly as he ponders why this could be, before suddenly realizing. He shouts out, “y-y-you mean that you got married?”

Peter places his hand over his patient’s mouth to prevent the sound from traveling through the echoing psych ward hallway and says, “quiet down! I can’t let anyone else know that I’m married. The people here don’t even know that I have a boyfriend.”

The culprit looks more incredulous than he’s been throughout his entire pseudo-psychic mind-trip. His mouth is so agape beneath his therapists’ hand that he almost accidentally bites down on that hand. Eventually he whispers, “you swing that way?”

Peter gives a big smile, “yes, of course I’m into men, why do you think that I was flirting with you before?”

“So you were flirting with me!” the culprit shouts out and then realizes how loud he is being and shuts his own mouth.

“Of course not. I’m a happy newlywed, even if the two of us haven’t gotten the union properly officiated. Besides, if me and you were together than I’d be Mr. Tomas-Rider, which is a name I don’t like nearly as much, though when I do get my doctorate, Dr. Rider would be a pretty cool name” Peter muses to himself, “oh that reminds me, you probably don’t go by Regina anymore, so what should I call you now? Wait, let me guess … Reginald is your new name, right?”

“I go by Rex” says the culprit.

“Like, the dog name?” says Peter, now his turn to be incredulous.

“I think it’s a cool name, Rex Rider” the culprit chuckles to himself with unabashed pride, “it struck fear in the hearts of all the girls I faced in the ring when I was in prison.”

“Oh right, I do remember that in your file” Peter says, “you were the undefeated boxing champ at the woman’s prison. The resident therapist at that prison wrote about it as evidence of your ‘persistent innate violent tendencies’.”

“It’s not my fault if I’m good at being a boxer” the culprit says, pride not fading one bit, “I have the physique of a natural-born man and all the time in the world to train. I just wish I could have some opponents more my size.”

Peter smiles at that, happy that his patient has some hopes for the future, no matter how small, “if I can prove to the world that your condition is real and not just some dangerous hallucination, then you might be able to get out of this place and do some real boxing.”

The culprit smiles, joy and melancholy both mixed in his expression, before turning away, opening the door to his quarters and entering, “then I’ll be waiting for you, as long as necessary, my savior.”

Peter looks blankly down at his toes, smiling the same smile, “you might have to wait for a while yet, maybe longer than a lifetime.”

The culprit’s expression does not change, “That’s fine. I expected that, but I’m glad you’re trying, for everyone’s sake.”

The culprit suddenly turns back, startling his “savior”, and says “there’s one more thing that I want to tell you?”

Peter answers back in an apprehensive tone, “what is it?”

“I just need to get this off my chest?”

“Yes?”

“I need to tell you how I feel.”

“You feel …”

“I… I…”

“…”

“I really don’t like you.”

“I could say the same thing.”

“Then go on and say it, right to my face.”

“I absolutely despise you.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“But it’s what you meant.”

“You know me so well. That’s definitely what I hate the most about you.”

“The feeling is mutual.”

“I hope I never see you again.”

“I wish for the same, but it seems that we can’t be rid of each other that easily.”

“What a shame.”

“Well, see you tomorrow?”

“I will, but I don’t think that you will see me any time soon.”

“If you make that joke one more time, I will have you sent back to the prison.”

“Well, fuck you too!”

“Fuck you and I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“Fantastic, I’d love that!”

“The feeling is mutual!”

The culprit slams his door on his therapist, the widest smiles of each of the pair’s lives on their faces. It had been an eternity, it had been several years, it had been a few hours, but at long last, they could finally begin, to understand.

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peterstanslizzie · 4 years ago

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Reacting To: Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts (Season 3 Episode 5)

Episode Title: Song ReMix

Spoiler Warning: Kindly proceed if you’ve already seen the episode or are able to handle spoilers

1. It’s time for a flashback! We trace back to the time when Dr. Emilia still had control over Song as the Mega Monkey. She tells Song to go after Kipo in the burrow and kill her, which we already know in Season 1 that Kipo managed to escape. The pheromones Emilia took from Scarlemagne are controlling Song but at least she is still somewhat aware of what she’s being forced to do.

Yasss....a second Troyson kiss! I didn’t expect that <3

2. Kipo, Lio, Dave, Benson, Wolf and now a regular kitty cat, Yumyan return to Timbercat Village. Troy, Asher, Dahlia and Song all happily greet them back but unfortunately, Kipo needs to break it to them and the rest of the mutes that Yumyan has been “cured”.

Well, at least he’s not dead.....

3. Hence, a ceremony takes place for Yumyan for him to get inducted into the Great Hall of Axe Lords, whatever that is lol. The rest of the mutes are sad about what happened to Yumyan but they’re also freaking out about the same thing possibly happening to them.

4. All hope isn’t lost though because Lio is confident that he will be able to make a vaccine to reverse the effects of the cure but he will need Song’s help and it so happens that he had stolen a cure dart from Emilia in the last episode.

ROFL! He didn’t know?

5. He administers the cure on Song and despite the initial shock, she finally reverts back to her human self! And cue the waterworks. As expected, she finds difficulty speaking since she’s been a mute for over 13 years but I’m pretty sure she will be speaking properly in no time. I’m pretty psyched to see the role Song is going to play for the rest of the season; It would be fitting if she or Scarlemagne were the ones to take Emilia down.

Round 2 of the waterworks: Lio gets in on the hug too.

Family group hug!

6. Wow, it didn’t take her any time to start speaking normally again. Anyways, Song advises them that they should start working on the vaccine pronto. Meanwhile, we see Dr. Emilia setting Margot and her brother free from their restraints only to shoot them with the cure darts whilst they were running away. She’s such a bi**h lol but a great villain I will admit.

7. Song is trying hard to remember the genetic composition of the cure she developed but it’s been ages ago. So, she’s forgetting a lot of the details. I wonder if they can get her research journal back for her. I don’t think the pages are completely obliterated, right?

8. Song feels the pressure to develop the vaccine and it’s really unfair to put all of that on her so quickly. I’m glad Kipo recognizes this. All of a sudden, the Humming Bombers show up at the village warning them that Emilia is on her way with her army. They also announce that they’re joining HMUFA too; Their abilities and nectar bombs should definitely come in handy for the alliance.

9. They need to come up with a plan quickly. Thanks to Dave, Kipo suggests to everyone to build a wall of protection that would scare away the humans. The mutes try to give their suggestions. One of the said that diversity would scare the humans away LOL. Now that’s funny.

10. Benson suggests Death Ivy, which is pretty much explained by what it’s called. Amy adds that the Dubstep Bees would be able to help them build the wall since they’re immune to it. So the plan now is for Kipo and Wolf to try to get the bees to help them, giving Song enough time to work on the vaccine. But Song is still experiencing a mental block. So, Kipo also asks her and her dad, Lio to join her and Wolf as well.

I didn’t know that saying “Ming, ming, ming” would pull cats in towards you.

11. On the other end, Dave and Benson need to find out where Yumyan is since they left him in a kitchen with a giant hole in it. Ugh, those two lol.

Don’t mess with Kipo’s mom!

12. As they make their way to talk to the Dubstep Bees, they are stopped by the Scooter Skunks because won’t allow them to cross their territory unless they race them. Song accepts the challenge partly because she wants to look cool in front of Kipo but.....she flops. The skunks make fun of her, which angers Kipo and she goes full-on Mega Jaguar to chase them away. I’m not one for intimidation but I’m glad Kipo did it this time.

Side note: I feel bad for Wolf because she’s never had cake!

13. We should now dub the scenes with Dave and Benson as their own comedy show because these two together are just so hilarious. It’s funny how they were low-key debating on the importance of human lives vs bug lives. But the jokes on me because Dave doesn’t seem to value bug lives himself. Exactly, Benson. What?!

It’s the queen dubstep-bee

14. Song says she knows how to talk to the bees in their language but Kipo accidentally interrupts her plan, which in turn insulted their queen bee who actually proceeds to sting Kipo and she starts dancing unintentionally, which is known as dance fever. What a pun.

Cats just can’t resist boxes, huh? Even if they’re drawn. There’s too many cat puns in this episode and I’m all here for it!

I never thought I would see a dancing Mega Jaguar Kipo.

15. Song continues talking to the bees and fortunately, what she said somehow manages to convince the queen to give them Kipo back IF they impress her with their dancing. I’m sorry but this is getting a little too corny for me lol. But I’m definitely digging the background music:

And Wolf dancing is a vision

Yumyan has returned! He’s been in the kitchen the entire time. I have no words.

16. They’re all still dancing. The bees are starting to lose interest lol. I can see why. Song then tries to reason with the Queen by telling her that she has had it rough for the past 13 years and she really wants her to forgive Kipo because she’s her one and only daughter. Basically, she’s playing her sympathy card. And of course it works! These episodes are never going to be direct haha. Kipo has finally recovered from her dance fever and they manage to convince them to build the wall for them.

Aww Yumyan still remembers his pet flea, Pierre!

The dynamic between Wolf and Lio has been pure awesomeness throughout the entirety of this episode.

17. Song expresses to Kipo that she feels like she needs to overcompensate in doing things for her daughter since she cannot protect her as the Mega Monkey anymore. But Kipo tells her that she has helped her plenty just by being her mom. Plus, she was the one who convinced the bees to build the Death Ivy wall.

18. The episode ends with Emilia and her human army, making their way towards the village. Well, that’s the end of my review of episode 5. Stay tuned tomorrow for my review of episode 6. Thanks for reading everybody!

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kaesaaurelia · 4 years ago

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deals and contracts and paperwork fiddle-faddle

For @whumptober2020 day 11: Psych 101 (specifically "defiance," although this turned out to be much less “one person defies their captor” than I intended it to be and more “one person inspires another’s defiance.”)

Continues on from day four, wherein Aziraphale met up with a distraught coworker, waited for Crawly at the base of the Tower of Babel, and then it fell on him, day five, wherein Aziraphale did his best to help the citizens of Babylon, and was caught by demons for his trouble, and day eight, wherein Aziraphale found brief and unexpected camaraderie among the prisoners of Hell.

Background Aziraphale/f!Crawly, although this is mostly Aziraphale having a dialogue with an OC who’s trying (slightly) to sell him on a deal with the Devil.

When somebody finally came for Aziraphale, though, it wasn't Crawly. It was Nisroc, with a gaggle of Legions. "Hey, buddy, how's it going?" she asked brightly.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. He'd been planning to have an argument with Crawly about whether she'd betrayed him, and found himself very disappointed she wasn't here, but Nisroc had betrayed Heaven, so Aziraphale was determined to pick a fight with her instead.

"Ugh," she said, rolling her eyes. "So, turns out Michael is a huge bitch? Like, I guess God had to sign off on it all but I'm sure She would have been fine with it if She had the real story, Michael probably --"

"What are you doing here in front of my cell?" Aziraphale cut in. "Can you get me out of here?"

"Hmm, well, yes and no?" said Nisroc. "Satan's authorized me to give you his proposal, and if you accept it, you can get you out of here."

"But you're not even a demon yet!" said Aziraphale. "Are you?" He squinted at her. She didn't look like a demon, but maybe it was subtle.

"Nope," she said. "He's too busy fixing everyone's languages to remake me, all he did was give me Hell's new standard common language. Turns out I'm the only person we know can talk to you already, so..." She said something incomprehensible to the Legions, one of whom presented her with a clay tablet. "Okay, so, just so you know the stakes of this? Good news is, my whole status isn't gonna be affected by whether I can get you to do this, so no pressure there. Bad news is, I think they might kill you if you don't? So, probably a lot of pressure overall! Sorry about that," she said.

Aziraphale sighed. "What exactly is the deal? Do they want me to become a demon?"

"Pretty much, yeah," said Nisroc. "I guess some other demon was talking about what a great asset you'd be? Slimy or something, I don't know, Satan trusts whoever they are."

His heart sank. Crawly had betrayed him, hadn't she? He might as well stop pretending it was at all likely that she hadn't. "Crawly," he said.

"Yeah, something like that," Nisroc said. She skimmed the tablet. "You won't get to keep your name, unfortunately -- but honestly, probably more trouble than it's worth if you're not pregnant? Like, that was why I did that whole --" She waved vaguely upwards. "-- y'know, that thing. Also, apparently you have no control over what kind of animal stuff you end up with, just generally? I am so worried. Like what if Satan turns me into a slug or something? That would ruin my whole aesthetic." She looked at Aziraphale. "Sorry, don't want to make you worry, I'm sure you'll be fine on that count. You'd make a great slug."

Aziraphale gritted his teeth. "Is there anything I actually get out of this supposed deal?" he asked.

"You get to live," said Nisroc. "If you want more you can probably negotiate up? But also Satan's a huge asshole so I super wouldn't bother if I was you. I did and it's still a really shitty deal."

"Why did you take it, then?" he asked.

"My options are pretty limited these days," said Nisroc. "Being powerless but unchanging and immortal, doomed to walk the Earth forever, accepted neither by Heaven nor Hell was not cutting it. Especially since being pregnant literally forever is worse than Hell. Or, I think it is? God, I hope it is," she said, sighing.

"Ah," said Aziraphale. "So -- you actually are --"

"Yeah, like I said, Michael got really mad," said Nisroc. "Although actually I think Raphael snitched on me? Which I would not have expected out of him. Don't trust that fucker."

"I... didn't think anybody did?" Aziraphale said. There had been a big scandal a while back, where it had become obvious that Raphael's blueprints for primates and Gabriel's blueprints for humans were awfully similar, enough so that somebody had obviously been copying. Officially, no conclusion had ever been reached; unofficially, though, Raphael had been pushed out of all the important decision-making and shuffled off to the perpetually understaffed Recorporation Office.

"Well, good for them," said Nisroc. "So, uh, what do you say? You gonna take the offer?

"You make it sound so appealing," said Aziraphale, “how could I possibly say no?”

"Yeah, no, I get that it sucks," said Nisroc. "Listen, do you know anyone else down here you could bribe?" Aziraphale looked pointedly at the Legions. "Oh, don't worry about them, they don't understand me," she said. "Isn't that right?" she asked them. "You are all very cute, but kinda stupid! It's great!" They smiled confusedly at her, and Aziraphale was satisfied that they didn't understand her.

"Why can't you help me, then?" he asked.

"Oh, no, I don't think I should. Everything's a little..." She made a gesture representing the shakiness of the situation. "Like, if it was just me I'd totally help, but I'm kinda scheming for two here?"

"Ah," said Aziraphale. He was still so terribly uncomfortable with the idea of... of reproducing like that with humans. Still, he tried to dredge up some of the etiquette he had learned for dealing with new parents. "Is it a boy or a girl?" he asked.

"Probably," said Nisroc, shrugging. "I just want it to be okay. I'm sure God would have understood if I could have explained. It's creation, that's Her jam." She began to cry again, and tearfully turned to the Legions, giving them some instruction Aziraphale didn't understand. They looked very sympathetic, and scurried off. Nisroc wiped the tears from her eyes quickly. "Sorry," she said. "I just -- I really don't wanna be a demon, what if I don't even want my kid after all of this? What if I'm a totally different person?"

Aziraphale felt terrible for her then. "Is that what happens?" he asked. What had Crawly been like, before she had become this? He couldn't really imagine her as a better person -- not that she was particularly good, and not that badness was fundamental to her personality, but... he didn't really like the idea of a Better Crawly. Unless maybe it was a Crawly who hadn't got him stuck here.

"I don't know," said Nisroc. "That's what everyone says happens? That you stop being able to love, and, and you can't be nice, and stuff like that."

"Oh, I don't think that's all true," said Aziraphale, surprising himself slightly. He'd thought he was just saying it to be comforting, but he did believe it. Crawly could be kind, whether she'd betrayed Aziraphale or not. "I think you'll still be yourself," he said. "Just... different."

"I really hope so," she said, blinking back more tears. "But -- but just in case I don't..." With some difficulty, she dug a little hole in the dirt with her toe. Then she showed Aziraphale the key she had. "You're gonna say no, right?"

"Well..." Aziraphale didn't want to be a demon. Hell was a miserable place, and Crawly seemed to avoid it as best she could. It wouldn't suit Aziraphale at all.

"You should say no," she said. "If you have any way of getting out of here. I bet you could bribe someone easy enough. It's a shitty job." She lifted something over her head and Aziraphale realized she'd been wearing a key on a chain around her neck. "This goes to the cell. I don't want them to connect this to me, so I'm not gonna give this to you, I know you'll bolt -- but if you can get someone to give it to you later when I have an alibi? Go for it," she said. Then she dropped the key in the hole and scuffed dirt over it. "God, I'm so tired," she said.

"You probably shouldn't have done that," Aziraphale said, eyeing the patch of dirt.

"I probably shouldn't have, yeah," she said, sadly. "But what if I stop being a good person when Satan remakes me? What if I never really did anything good at all and this is my last opportunity?"

"I think if Satan could make you a worse person against your will, he wouldn't bother with all the deals and contracts and paperwork fiddle-faddle," Aziraphale said.

"Well, I hope you're right," said Nisroc. "Ah. Looks like my pals are coming back," she said, glancing off to her left, and indeed, the cadre of Legions were stumbling towards her, all of them at once bearing aloft a small scrap of cloth, which they argued over before one of them successfully handed it to her. She dabbed at her tears with it, and gave them a grateful smile. "I'll tell him you're thinking about it but you need more time. A little while longer in here should convince you, right?"

"Perhaps," said Aziraphale, doing his best not to look at the spot where the key was buried.

"Good luck," she said, and she walked off, dabbing her eyes with the cloth and talking to the Legions in nonsense words.

[next part]

#whumptober2020 #no.11 #psych 101 #defiance #good omens #fic #aziraphale #fallen principality nisroc #text #fiction #kaesa op

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clansayeed · 4 years ago

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Bound by Destiny II, part 1 ― Chapter 7: The Bloodqueen

PAIRING: Kamilah Sayeed x MC (Nadya Al Jamil) RATING: Mature

⥼ MASTERLIST ⥽

⥼ Bound by Destiny II, part 1 ⥽

While struggling with nightmares of lives she’s never lived, a shadow from the past looming over her city, and the proposed idea that her life may just be a little bit too weird to handle alone, Nadya makes sure to tell herself that everything is perfect just the way it is. If only. When the self-proclaimed King of Vampires (and Maker of her sometimes-girlfriend and always-boss, can’t forget that little tidbit) Gaius Augustine returns intent on claiming Manhattan as the throne that was promised, she and her friends find themselves forced into the task of saving the world. But with millennia-old vampires and an Order of hunters on their heels as well as allies hiding catastrophic secrets at their backs… it won’t be an easy task. Too bad destiny didn’t exactly ask for her input.

Bound by Destiny II and the rest of the Oblivion Bound series is an ongoing dramatic retelling project of the Bloodbound series and spin-off, Nightbound. Find out more [HERE].

*Let me know if you would like to be added to the Destiny II tag list!

⥼ Chapter Summary ⥽

There are things in Kamilah's past she would not share with anyone, least of all Nadya. The problem is that Nadya can't always choose the stories her visions tell. When she learns the truth Kamilah lashes out.

[READ IT ON AO3]

“Anything else you’ve need of before I take my leave?”

“No, Gerard. Thank you and enjoy the rest of your evening.”

He tips his hat to them. “Have a pleasant rest of your evening then, Lady Kamilah — Nadya.”

The butler lingers in the doorway; it takes Nadya a moment (too long, and she feels bad about it even if she can’t quite muster up the words to apologize) to realize he’s waiting on her. She looks up and hopes her smile isn’t too strained.

“Good night, Gerard.”

It was; it was definitely too strained. There’s a second where the elderly man looks like he won’t leave until she tells him what’s up. But he doesn’t pry. He’s worked for Kamilah too long to pry.

Though when the door closes behind him and leaves Kamilah and Nadya alone… she kind of wishes he’d stayed. As a buffer.

She pulls herself back into the room to find Kamilah’s expectant eye right on her. “You were saying?”

Crap, what was she saying? Does she know? How could she possibly know?

Fear makes Nadya tighten her hands — that’s when she remembers the notepad in her lap; the conversation they were just getting into when Gerard had said his final goodbyes.

“Right right right,” Nadya clicks her tongue, “we were talking about…”

Kamilah gives her a moment for her tongue to catch up with the rest of her thoughts but when it’s obvious that won’t be a timely thing; “You were telling me about the name the smuggler’s contact provided you?”

Yes, duh. “Right; Kavinsky, Langdon Kavinsky. Big money out in Vegas, I think he owns a casino or something? The last time the Amulet was on any kind of formal paperwork was when Kavinsky bought it a couple years ago from some private collector in England.”

“And he has it still?”

“Ugh, no. He lost it in some poker game.” Nadya flips through her notes maybe a little too enthusiastically; but it’s an excuse not to look Kamilah in the face and she’ll take it. “Lily found a bunch of transcripts of what look like… minutes? Like from a courtroom.”

“It isn’t uncommon for that tier of wealth, especially in an environment where large sums of money change hands quickly and not always in plain sight.”

“Got it — the Amulet isn’t directly named but there’s this pair, here look, they come into the game late. Then the girl, the guy, and Kavinsky keep sporadically mentioning some ‘historical artifact’ and about a week later the Amulet is no longer on Kavinsky’s inventory list.”

The minutes, the inventory; both of which Nadya tries to offer but Kamilah doesn’t take. She’s too focused on the trembling hand that holds them out. It makes her raise an eyebrow in wordless question.

“Too much coffee.” She explains, and nothing about Kamilah’s expression says she buys it, but thankfully this is more important than that.

Kamilah takes the pages and makes it a point of practically holding Nadya’s hand as she does. The effect is an instantly calming one; albeit temporary.

“This couple you mention,” Kamilah looks between the stapled pages with a furrow in her brow, “they aren’t named.”

Nadya nods; she’d noticed the same thing. “Weird, right? So Lil’ said she’d try and dig for some security tapes or something — if not from the actual tournament then from the hotel lobby in case they were guests. Actually getting hold of the guy himself is a last resort, but —”

“The fewer who know what we seek; the better.”

“Exactly.”

Kamilah sighs and sets the papers aside on the glass coffee table. She combs a hand through the curtain of her hair and can Nadya really be blamed for watching with just a teeny tiny bit of absolute adoration? Even like this, exhausted of the pursuit like they all are by now, she’s still timelessly beautiful.

But Nadya hadn’t come all the way across town to the penthouse just to share a name and a bunch of ‘maybes.’ Only she had the whole cab ride to psyche herself up and now… looking at her like this… now she doesn’t know if she can go through with it. Doesn’t know if she can bring herself to hurt Kamilah like she knows she’s going to.

“You deserve the chance to tell her in your own time and in your own way.”

That dumb, terrible part of Nadya that’s always thinking (and never in their favor) didn’t let her understand what she’d fully meant when she said it to Maricruz. Of course she definitely meant it for them — especially after everything that’s happened the last couple of weeks about secrets and lies and things always coming out at the worst possible time. But she hadn’t meant it just for them.

And this… this is something Nadya would rather Kamilah hear from her personally than anyone else. From Gaius, or (god forbid) from the woman finding it out on her own somehow.

Kamilah leans her head against the back of the couch; leaves her eyes open the bare minimum to look at Nadya through long dark lashes. That same uncomfortable surveillance, but now they don’t have shop talk to cover it up with. Nadya’s discomfort hangs over them like a piano on a fraying rope — if she can hear her own heart trying to punch a hole in her chest there’s no question about whether Kamilah can.

“Have you decided?”

Nadya swallows. “Decided what?”

“Whether or not you will tell me what you wish to tell me.”

“I —”

She fumbles when two fingers come crooked under her chin; raising it just the barest bit. Exposing the splotchy flush of her anxieties running down her throat and past the collar of her shirt. It’s that same kind of insistence Kamilah uses on her in the bedroom. A request Nadya has one last chance to deny. But once she doesn’t it’s no longer a request but a command.

That a woman of Kamilah’s caliber requests anything of Nadya is still nothing short of a miracle. She just has to pray it’s not short-lived after tonight.

“Kamilah?”

“Yes, Nadya?”

“There’s something I need to tell you,” — and before the vampiress can find amusement in her awkwardness — “something… something I’ve been keeping from you.”

The hand falls down and away. Kamilah sits up straighter; no longer so at ease.

What more could you possibly keep from me, asks the look in her dark eyes. And it’s not a request.

“Wait here, I need to… to go get it.”

Against every instinct in her bones Nadya stands and goes to grab her overnight bag. Poets have written tragedies about the struggle and heartache that grows with every step. Into the bedroom and where her bag rests on the chair in the far corner; like her subconscious wanted to give her as many obstacles as possible. As if that would somehow deter her. Nadya pulls back the zipper and digs all the way down to the bottom.

Even with walls between them she feels the weight of Kamilah’s stare.

One last breath…

She knew it would be difficult, but letting go of the journal is the hardest thing Nadya’s ever had to do in her entire life.

And at this point she’s lived quite a few lives.

It’s not about admitting that everything up until that moment is real. She’s come to terms with that — violently, almost. She didn’t really have a choice after all. Something about being taken hostage by the father of all vampires and being forced to remember things like the location of a secret Amulet or living through the murder of her best friend.

Truthfully Nadya still thinks Bloodkeeper is kind of a dumb title but she’s made her peace with it.

It’s about admitting things about this awful, cursed ability. Not to herself but to others; to the people she loves most. Things she’s only ever told the pages of this little book (and Valdas but she’s officially not counting him, on account of the fact that he’s a lying deceitful jerkface). Because nightmares and haunting memories aside there are some things Nadya is convinced shouldn’t be shared. Because there’s no amount of truth or resolution in the simple act of knowing these things that can outweigh the awfulness of it. Things that involve Adrian, the Trinity; even Gaius.

Things that involve Kamilah.

But Nadya lets go of it anyway. She has to be strong right now — for them both. Now more than ever. A little too late since she now knows this is the second Bloodkeeper’s account that Kamilah has ever held. This one, though, was given willingly.

She has a sinking feeling that doesn’t make a difference.

If she has a question Kamilah lets it die on the tip of her tongue. She takes the little book with a shadow of recognition. Despite that she opens it anyway.

Kamilah flips through the first few pages without really looking. Nadya’s a little relieved she doesn’t have to describe what exactly it is in detail. A quick thumb brushes along the edges and Kamilah sees the same thing Valdas did — the not-so-slow dissolution of sanity and legibility with every entry.

Back to the front, she smooths back the cover by the crease and lets her open palm rest on the first page.

It’s dated April 14 and in comparison to the rest of the book it’s pretty tame. From back when the memories were solely nightmares that came only in her deepest sleep. Fragments of an identity Nadya still doesn’t know; the tearful account of a young woman betrayed, Turned by the person she thought loved her most. And how at peace she felt when the tip of a white picket fence met her heart.

Nadya’s pretty sure the silence will drive her insane.

“It’s —”

Kamilah cuts her off without looking up. “I know what it is.”

Insanity it is, then. Agony, too. Tension bordering on the tearful until…

“I was given the impression you forgot the exact details of the… memories you experienced, more often than not.”

Nadya knows she deserves every clipped syllable. “I know.”

“I see now that was not the case.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

Slowly the vampire turns the page; then another — and another.

Several times Kamilah attempts to speak — opens and closes her mouth when she accepts words fail her each time. It’s miserable for Nadya to watch and not know what exactly is holding her back. Is it that she doesn’t know what to say, or how to go about saying it?

Nadya might not be able to keep it together if she doesn’t find something else to look at; so she focuses on her hands in her lap, skin stretched white over her knuckles in taut fists. Inevitably her focus draws to the bracelet Kamilah gifted her — what seems like forever and a year ago. It feels heavier; like a shackle.

One she deserves.

“You once told me that I knew things you wouldn’t…” no, no that’s not right, “hold on — lemme try again — you’ve known… dammit,” because if there was ever a time to curse it’s now, “if I had any way to control these—these awful things I…”

Kamilah holds up a single finger. Nadya’s mouth shuts so hard and so fast she actually bites her tongue; stifles the painful little noise and swallows the faint taste of blood that Kamilah doesn’t even react to — not one bit — and that only tightens the knots she’s already in.

But she doesn’t even look up; not once. She just… reads. Devours page after page. Each time she turns a new one Nadya feels her heart skip a beat — finds it a little bit harder to breathe. By the time Kamilah reaches the last entry she might well pass out from lack of oxygen.

It would almost be preferable.

Finally Kamilah reaches the last entry. The most recent one; dated for three days after her return from Gaius’ withered clutches.

Nadya had penned it down because she was naive and planned never to share these awful pages with anyone — especially not these pages, especially not Kamilah. But it was the first vision she could call a memory and that was important for some reason. It seemed like a fitting final entry because it meant that all the ones before it were real; that she wasn’t crazy or dying or both.

If only feeling that way had made her words easier to write.

Nothing in the world could have done that.

It doesn’t matter whether I understand it or not. They felt fear. They were afraid. So I felt fear and I was afraid. The horde was two things at once: just another mobbing of the weak against the strong and a new kind of determined they hadn’t seen from humanity before. Humanity that wasn’t a part of the Order. I still don’t know what “the Order” is but this is the 22-nd time I’ve felt it. It’s probably an organization of some kind but the ones who think of it treat it like a person instead of many people. A persistent enemy.

I’m wearing armor, some kind of chainmail. Every step is heavy but whoever I am, I’m old so I might only be aware of it because I (me) am not used to it. The sword at my side is an old friend. I’m in a ballroom of some kind but there’s no music or dancing. Whoever I am I don’t mind this though. I think I have two left feet. They are coming but I (me) don’t know who they are. At least we aren’t underground. I keep thinking that. At least we aren’t underground. At least we aren’t underground.

Marcel comes running up to me through the crowd of panicking people. All of them: vampires. He’s carrying a sword and shield too big for his small size. They don’t match his fancy frock. I only notice this because frocks don’t do much against pitchforks and scythes. And I tell him as much. I tell him his weapons are not made for battle, and that he should leave. I just want to keep him safe. At least we aren’t underground. He’s so small sometimes I forget he is only a few decades younger than myself. I will not lose sight of you this time Banner, he says.

His Majesty, Our King comes up on the crowd. He summons me to his side because I am his Soldier. But I do so easier when I see Marcel’s face among the masses. I’m on his left and his Queen is on his right.

NOTE: I (me) imagine he gave a rallying speech, but I don’t remember enough to write it down here. I can’t stop thinking about Kamilah. She was wearing the dress from the Ball. I knew it was old but seeing it in these visions, memories, that upsets me. Seeing it covered in blood upsets me. And it’s a lot of blood.

The mob breaks through the barricades at the stroke of midnight. Our King and Queen and myself are on the front line. These are mere humans — workers laborers poor and starving. They aren’t a challenge. I’ve always hated being forced to attend parties and balls but this is my new favorite one. I force a man to swallow my sword with one hand and crush a woman’s throat with the other. I can taste their blood in my teeth. It splatters and drips down my armor. I polished the breastplate that evening. I keep Marcel close at hand just in case. At least we aren’t underground.

The Bloodqueen dances now like she did before the attack. Her dress picks up pooling blood from fallen prey and trails it around the floor. I try to keep Marcel distracted — he will weep like a child for the marble. I prefer it this way. Judging by the way the blood drips from her: mouth, hair, cheeks, dress, daggers, she agrees. I make sure to count my dead. She’s bested me in body count thrice now. I don’t intend to let her do so again.

There was more to it; there always is. Things Nadya can’t quite remember because she’s only human and how can she possibly be expected to remember every detail of something so terrible on top of exhaustion and stress and fear?

Nadya reaches out to take the book back — as though out of sight out of mind could possibly apply to this, them; here — but Kamilah’s nails dig into the leather cover savage like fangs. The sight makes her recoil which is most definitely the wrong thing to do even though she really didn’t mean to do it.

But the damage is done.

Kamilah can’t bear to look at her, she stands and pulls herself away. Seeing someone always so confident and at home in their own skin this way — pacing back and forth uneven and direction-less, mouth twitching with words held back, everything normally kept stable beneath the surface in danger of bursting out all at once — Nadya’s heart keeps breaking over and over and over again.

Knowing that she’s the reason for it all is worse in a way she isn’t sure she can describe.

“Are there more?”

Kamilah practically hisses the words; “Are there more of these… accounts?”

“No.” Nadya answers — only, hers is a short-lived relief.

“But this is not all that you remember.”

Remember; she spits — like its Nadya’s fault or something.

She doesn’t answer fast enough for Kamilah’s liking. The woman rounds on her one breath away from… from…

“That’s not all of it, no.”

“Tell me.”

“Kamilah —”

“Tell. me.”

“Tell you what?!”

“Tell me what else you have seen of my acts. How far back does your mind reach into our memories—my memories? Can you tell them apart; pluck out the ones which interest you? Do you witness each one from another’s eyes or have you suffered to become me, and kept that from me as well? Of what you’ve seen which is the worst of my sins?”

Nadya scrambles to think of one; tries to pull apart the tangled knots of what she did write down and what she didn’t and the difference between actual memories and things she dreamed of equal tragedy because can she really be expected to have all of that in her head all the time and not lose some portion of her own thoughts in the process?

“I — I can’t remember.”

Kamilah brandishes the book like damning evidence and Nadya’s the one on trial. “Obviously that is another of your mostly-truths.”

“That’s not fair —”

“Do you believe any of this to be fair, Nadya? Surely you are no longer so naive.”

What am I supposed to say? When it seems like everything she tells Kamilah is met with some kind of argument; like it isn’t ever going to be good enough.

All of that tied up with the rest of her and somehow Nadya still feels like she’s unraveling at the edges again. It leaves her gaping, noiseless, second-triple-quadruple guessing every word and thought until tears are brimming in her eyes and Kamilah just looks on.

“What do you want me to say?” Nadya begs. Her tears leave scalding trails down her cheeks. “Please, Kamilah please just tell me what you want me to say.” Because nothing I’m saying is right. Because you demand the truth and you demand answers but those aren’t the same thing anymore.

Pain flickers sharp in Kamilah’s eyes. A different kind of pain than what’s already there. Is it wrong for Nadya to hope it has something to do with the fact Kamilah made her cry; that she somehow regrets lashing out like this?

“I want you to tell me why. Why did you show me this, Nadya,” Kamilah drops the journal to their feet, “why would you hurt me in this way?”

But she doesn’t wait for an answer this time around. Nadya’s barely struggled through a wheezing breath and Kamilah is already at the other end of the room, back turned — can’t even stand the sight of her.

“Kamilah…”

Who doesn’t move.

When Nadya finally manages the simple act of standing its on wobbly legs. She may very well fall on her face in the strides it takes to get to Kamilah but she’d fall on her face a hundred times more if it mends this wound gored out of them.

“Just talk to me, Kamilah. Please—I-I don’t like this,” you don’t either — I can tell, “I was trying to—to put everything out in the open. No more secrets, nothing that could hurt…” hurt you — but you just said I hurt you, “Kamilah, please. This isn’t you.”

Nadya reaches out but Kamilah isn’t there. She’s just shy of Nadya’s touch — she may be blind and bleary-eyed but she knows when someone’s pulled away.

“You don’t know me.”

Kamilah has pulled away from her. Left her aimless; floating in some awful void where she doesn’t know what to say — to think — to feel or do to make it right.

“Though,” the woman laughs bitterly, “perhaps you do — and better than I would have ever allowed.”

Allowed? “What — are you saying you wouldn’t have ever told me about your life before this?”

Before me?

“And have you see me in such a way? No, never.”

“But you were the one who said we shouldn’t have any more secrets.”

“The circumstances were different.”

“Because they were mine.” It’s not a question. Nadya isn’t asking anything; just saying the things Kamilah would rather skirt around, apparently. “I can’t hide things from you but you can hide things from me no problem. That’s not how this works.”

Kamilah turns enough for Nadya to catch her in profile. To catch the slight quirk of her eyebrow at “this.” This—them—whatever they are or… or were. Because if this is the way Kamilah wants things then Nadya might have spent the last year making the biggest mistake of her life.

Kamilah shakes her head with a sigh. “No, you foolish girl. The secrets you kept from me — the severity of your struggle, the things collected in that damned book — they hurt you.”

“They —”

“Do not lie to me again.” Not like this, her unspoken plea — but Kamilah doesn’t do things like that, not now.

And Nadya promised she wouldn’t. So she doesn’t. And she really doesn’t know how to feel about how surprised Kamilah looks for it.

“My secrets, however,” she continues, “only hurt you if you know them. Things are better this way — or rather they were.”

Strangely Nadya feels like she’s had some version of this conversation before. Not with Kamilah but someone she dated, probably back home. How is it they’re arguing about Nadya’s dreamlike memories of every vampire ever including bad stuff Kamilah did and it’s still ringing out like a totally normal couple fighting?

Why does that make Nadya feel both better and worse about the whole thing?

“You make it sound like I did this on purpose.” She couldn’t quite shake what exactly was bothering her about Kamilah’s tone but that’s it — isn’t it? One of those rare times her lack of filter is a good thing. Mostly because Nadya isn’t really sure she’d have the guts to say it if she did have one.

Kamilah snorts; derisive and judgmental — and doesn’t even have the guts to look her in the eyes when she does it.

“You admitted to keeping it from me.”

“What, the—the journal? I’m not talking about the journal. I’m talking about the memories.”

I’ll take that silence as a yes then, huh. “Is that what you think? Is that why you’re mad at me right now? You think I wanted to see that side of you?” Question after question but Nadya barely even breaks to breathe let alone let Kamilah get an answer in. “Every single word in that freakin’ book that’s about you — those were the hardest words I’ve ever had to write!”

“Then why did you write them at all?”

“Because they’re important! Because they have to mean something!”

“Something like what, exactly,” sneers Kamilah, “beyond showing you swaths of carnage I once carved out of the world, or the blood that still seeps from my very fingertips?”

“Or maybe — wild guess here — they aren’t random memories I’m being forced to see? Maybe they mean something? Or… or…”

Now is definitely not the time to lose what little momentum she’s got — not that Nadya can really do anything about it. So Kamilah takes advantage of even the slightest falter.

“‘Or’ what, Nadya?” Calm, composed, effortlessly cool Kamilah — even now.

“Or maybe writing everything down made it easier for me to cope because I knew that the woman on those pages and the woman who held me safe in my sleep weren’t the same; not at all.”

The vampire recoils sudden; violent. Nadya can practically see the chains and walls and vast fields of thorns building up in strength and numbers behind her eyes.

“If you truly believe that… then you have learned nothing.”

“I’ve learned a lot, actually.”

“Not enough to spare you. They are one in the same — these women of whom you speak; one raised up to the heavens and the other damned to despair. They are both me.”

“Maybe once, but —”

“No,” she insists — and shakes her head in disappointment, “there are no exceptions. You do not—cannot—understand. For all the extraordinary things that you are, you are still mortal. And that blinds you; limits you.”

Limits us, is what she means. Nadya can’t tell which one of them she’s sparing by not saying it.

Her dignity flew out this particular door a long time ago but Nadya still tries to compose herself; wipes her tears with the back of her hand hastily. She hiccoughs with a squeak.

“Kamilah — I want to understand. I want to—to try at the very least. So why don’t you?”

Nadya doesn’t mean it as an accusation. Or maybe (on the inside) she does.

“Because I have seen this before. And I know how it ends.”

“That’s an excuse.”

“There is only one way this can end!” And suddenly their world of subtle metaphors isn’t subtle at all; its hundreds of miles away.

This. Nadya’s useless attempts at trying to help Kamilah open up?

This. Kamilah; who knows what she wants and takes it, and Nadya; who never seems to know her own head?

This. A two thousand year old vampire and the twenty-something mortal who is starting to see forever written with the letters of the immortal’s name?

“The things in that book —” Kamilah can’t even bear to look at it now, “— the version of myself you have seen, god forbid if you’ve lived through her eyes… I have not shunned her. I wear her every day, and I will until the end of my days. Yet while I have spent decades forcing her into my shadow there are those who would see her and call her Bloodqueen; who would bow to her feet and cower beneath her in equal measure.

“The very idea that you of all people have seen what I am capable of causes me pain, Nadya. I don’t know which thought is worse; that you might have committed my darkest acts with your own hands or that you still could. If I had known about this I could have found a way to spare you from it. But right now…

“Right now there is nothing on this earth I would like more than to open up your head and rip every single memory of who I was from your mind with my bare hands.”

Rancid fear — totally valid fear but try telling her that right now — rises like bile in the back of her throat. Nadya steps back, trips over her own feet actually, and feels the cool glass of the table hit the back of her legs. And oh god that was definitely the wrong thing to do because Kamilah’s eyes are flaring red and suddenly she can’t close the gap between them fast enough.

She pins Nadya in place. Hands hovering just shy of her upper arms. Kamilah is restraining herself from grabbing Nadya but only barely. No matter how badly she wants to close her eyes and turn away, though, she doesn’t.

She can’t.

“Are you afraid of me, mortal?”

Yes. “No.”

“What did I say about lying?”

“I’m not afraid of you.” I’m afraid of who you think you are.

“I don’t believe you,” any closer and Kamilah will have to step inside her skin, “not for all of the depravities you have seen—felt—lived through my eyes and others. Tell me Nadya,” the backs of her fingers are soft against Nadya’s cheek; it should be a crime to say such awful words in such a velvet voice, “which of them did you fancy best?

“Was it the slaughter at Damascus, and the bacchanalia we reveled in among the corpses? Or perhaps the culling of Versailles — were you witness to my machinations there? Did you see the part I played, the heartstrings I pulled and twisted until ma petit Marie trusted me with her life right up to the moment when I led the mob to her gilded door?

“Do you know to this day, four centuries later, I still cannot gaze out from a balcony without hearing the screams of a dozen chapel sisters and their charges while we hunted them down one. by. one.”

A familiar weakness knocks at Nadya’s knees. No, not this, please not again — she would give anything, everything, not to succumb to the rush of memories that crash into her in Kamilah’s voice. It might take more willpower than she has left to stop them. But she tries; god she tries.

“Stop — Kamilah please just stop.”

The vampire sneers back at her. “Why should I?”

“I know what you’re trying to do,” —I won’t let you push me away with fear— “I don’t…”

“You wanted to know, didn’t you; to understand?”

They both sound so broken.

“I don’t want —”

“What? What don’t you want?”

“I don’t want to be protected!”

Nadya braces her hands against Kamilah’s chest and shoves with all her might. Where did that come from? And some small part of her asks do you want to know, do you care right now? Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she’s so angry at Kamilah right now she might actually burst with it.

Kamilah is too graceful of a creature to stumble in anything. But she does step back — a wildness still in her eyes but Nadya feels that too and takes it into her own frustration, sadness; torment.

“I am tired of you people trying to—to protect me from everything! You think you know what’s best for me but why don’t I get to decide that for myself? It involves me, doesn’t it? I deserve the right to choose, Kamilah! Stop taking it from me!”

She gets why people yell when they argue now — it feels freakin’ amazing. “Over and over and over again — I’m already losing my mind; my sense of self. I can’t lose my right to choose too.” I can’t lose you, too. “You think you know what’s best for me — why, because you’ve lived sooo many freakin’ lifetimes that automatically gives you permission over my mind, my body; my actions? Well newsflash; that’s not how relationships work!

“I kept things from you, I admit that. And I’m sorry. I literally can’t apologize any more than I already have. But you don’t get to act like this when you were the one who wanted honesty. You don’t get to throw a tantrum because you did bad things!”

She doesn’t mean some of it; but most of it is just raw and unfiltered Nadya. There was a time when Kamilah liked that about her. But none of this is to make Kamilah happy. Frankly she’s tired of trying to do that and finding walls at every turn.

Nadya sucks at mazes.

“There is far more than —”

“I’m sorry — did I say I was done?” And that’s another addition to her list of regrets when she is done — but she’s not.

She jabs a finger at Kamilah’s chest. “You keep telling me I don’t understand—I can’t understand. But if you stopped acting like I’m just another pathetic human you might realize literally nobody in the entire world can understand better than me. Not Adrian, not Gaius; me. And even if you took all this supernatural bullcrap out of it it’s not your decision whether or not I’m capable of getting you.

“You don’t get to pull me close and push me away any time you feel like it. You can’t spend one night telling me how you were afraid of me getting hurt and then shove yourself up in my face all ‘are you afraid mortal’ the next! That’s just not how it works. That’s not how this is going to work. I deserve better than that.”

Nadya grabs Kamilah’s hand the instant before she starts to pull away. Words are so important, you know? And they couldn’t be more opposite; Kamilah who chooses hers with the utmost caution and Nadya who just kind of spouts them off until the right ones come out in the right order. It’s because of those differences between them that she holds on tight even though she’s very well aware that Kamilah could break free with little thought.

Nadya says ‘I deserve better than that.’ But what Kamilah hears is ‘I deserve better than you.’

“Please,” she begs; though it would be helpful if someone told her what it was she was begging for, “Kamilah… please.”

The twitch of Kamilah’s fingers brush against the inside of her wrist. A bodily impulse to hold Nadya’s hand.

They hold each other captive with a gaze.

#bloodbound #kamilah x mc #kamilah sayeed #bloodbound fanfiction #playchoices fanfiction #fic: oblivion bound #oblv: bound by destiny ii #oblv: new chapter #bloodbound mc #mc: nadya al jamil #; my fics

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eldri-sv · 4 years ago

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2 - Shinsou

Kaori Shinsou has always been fascinated by people's minds. She is one of the best students in her Criminal Psychology course at U.A. and - being the lucky girl she is - her professor is not only one handsome dude, but is also working on the case of the serial killer Stain - a case that has been going on for years. As she is about to become Professor Aizawa's TA during the next term, a lot of other interesting cases start popping up all over the country... AU, OC x Aizawa

Trigger warnings: insomnia, stress, mentions of death

(possibly incomplete, if you’d like something added, please let me know)

You keep me up at night

(Florence + The Machine - Big God)

Kaori Shinsou had trouble sleeping, as usual. She was tired, that wasn't the problem. She had no nightmares. She was just not able to turn off her brain for some reason. Thoughts kept racing through her head and she couldn't stop thinking and she couldn't sleep. They were stupid thoughts, too. Not even worrying. Just stupid thoughts. Kaori tossed and turned and then gave up.

She grabbed her phone from the night table and checked the time. It was 4 am. She would have to get up in two hours anyway and get ready for university. There was really no point in lying around and waiting. She might as well be as productive as she could. She closed her eyes and let out a loud and annoyed groan.

Then she opened her eyes and quickly sat up. She crawled out of her futon and turned on the lamp on her desk. There were a bunch of opened books and half-written essays lying around. Kaori had made it a habit to start her essays the first day they got them and finish them with minutes to spare. At least that way people couldn't say she should have started earlier.

She knew exactly Professor Aizawa wasn't buying it, but he seemed to get some sort of amusement out of her trying to be organized and repeatedly failing. She looked over the half-finished papers absent-mindedly. Maybe she could actually finish one ahead of time for once...?

Kaori shook her head to herself. No. Not like this. She couldn't go and write papers while she was still in her pajamas. Maybe she should just get dressed for university already. It wasn't like she was going to go back to sleep anyway.

With another sigh she got up from her desk and walked to her wardrobe. She grabbed a pair of knee-highs and some fresh underwear from her closet and then proceeded to grab some clothes from her pile on the floor. Kaori was glad at first when she realized she didn't need to wear her school uniform anymore, but she quickly found out that life had been much easier when there was one less thing to worry about.

So she stuck to wearing skirts and knee-high socks and blouses a lot of the time, simply because she was so used to herself looking like that. She just couldn't imagine anything else looking even remotely decent on her. She tried a few styles and had at this point assembled a wildly diverse range of outfits, but she still felt most comfortable in something that resembled a school uniform.

She quietly opened the door to her room and snuck outside through the hallway. Her parents would get insanely mad if they knew she hadn't slept again. Kaori had been telling them her insomnia was fine again, mostly so she didn't have to take the sleeping pills her doctor would prescribe for her. They made her sleep like a baby, but she hated the side effects that caused some random memory gaps in her brain. And she really couldn't use that while she was in the middle of university.

As she was passing her little brother's door she heard a loud bang coming from the room. Not loud enough for her parents to hear it, but Kaori had learned to hear even the tiniest sounds. Especially when it was as quiet as it was right now. She knocked at the door, careful not to be too loud. There was no reply.

She carefully opened the door just a little bit. Her brother was lying in his futon, eyes closed and his hands folded over his chest. He looked like a mummy. No one slept like that and he should have known better. She looked over to the desk. The lamp on it was still glowing a little, as if it had just now been turned off. There were a lot of open books on the table as well.

"It's just me, Hitoshi. No need to panic." she whispered. Hitoshi Shinsou opened one eye and visibly relaxed when he saw it was only his sister.

"You gave me a fright." he said to her and quietly sat up again. Kaori grinned a little. Hitoshi had a similarly severe case of insomnia as she did and he also had no intention of taking sleeping pills.

"Can I come in?" she asked. Hitoshi nodded slightly, it was barely noticeable. Kaori slipped inside the room and closed the door, conscious of not making any noise whatsoever. Not that their parents were easy to wake. For some reason the insomnia genes seemed to have skipped them, but they were wildly rampant in both Kaori and Hitoshi. Or maybe their parents were just too exhausted after their work at the hospital.

"Can't sleep?" Kaori said to her brother, as he got out of his futon and went back to his desk. She sat down on one of his side tables. It was more of a rhetorical question since both of them knew that he couldn't sleep. And it wasn't like Hitoshi even wanted to sleep. He had other plans.

"No. You, too?" he replied. Kaori nodded and glanced over the books that were open. They were her old Criminology books. Hitoshi had tried to get into the Criminology course himself, but hadn't made it. It was a really close cut for him, too. All he wanted was to get into Criminal Psychology like his older sister. He had made the cut for the Psychology course and was now studying and tormenting himself relentlessly to get the best grades he could possibly get, in order to transfer into Criminology next year.

"Late night study session, I assume?" Kaori asked him.

"Yeah. I can't slack off. I finished all my assignments for Psych, so I have some time to catch up on all the Criminology stuff. And since I can't sleep anyway..." he answered and grinned. Kaori chuckled and shook his head. His hair was sticking out wildly in all directions and she just knew he wouldn't even bother with it before going to university. His eyes were as tired as usual, which made his grin look almost scary.

"You do know you can get into Criminal Psychology with a Psych degree, right?" she remarked.

"Yeah, but I don't want to." he replied.

"Why not?"

"Because that's the route people go who aren't good enough to get into Criminology and are too lazy to try and get in the next year. And that's what it'll look like on my CV, too. And I know I can do better, because I really only had a blackout during the entrance exams. And I'm shit at interviews."

Kaori smiled at him. She always admired how determined Hitoshi could be and how he could look so unmotivated at the same time. He had always been the one working harder for what he wanted. Academics had always come easy to both of them, but more so to Kaori. Hitoshi really had to crunch to keep up.

"I assume you're heading into uni early today?" he asked looking at the scrambled up clothes in Kaori's arms.

"Yeah, just trying to kill some time, so mum and dad won't get suspicious, in case they hear the shower." she said and yawned. Fuck, she needed a coffee. Extra strong and black, without any fancy milk or sugar or any of that shit.

"They won't wake up. I heard them come home at around 2 or something. They'll be fast asleep by now." Hitoshi replied. Kaori nodded.

"You taking the car?" he asked.

"Pfft, no."

"Are you sure? Did you look at the weather outside?"

Kaori got up and went up to the window. Was the weather really that bad? When she looked outside she saw heavy raindrops falling against the window. Judging from the puddles it had already been raining for quite a while. Kaori sighed.

"You know I hate driving." she said.

"Not my fault mum and dad managed to convince you to take the driving test." he replied and shrugged.

"It's just a little water, you won't die from getting a little wet..." Kaori answered, sounding much less convincing than she would have liked to. She knew exactly how much she hated to get wet and sit in class while feeling uncomfortable about just everything. Plus, it would get really cold and she might fall asleep during class from that.

"You know you don't mean that." Hitoshi said with a triumphant grin. Kaori sighed again. She knew that she would be driving the moment Hitoshi had brought it up. He just had a way about him to get people to do what he wanted. He used to be a real brat with that, but once he was mostly through puberty, he had gotten much better with it.

"Why don't you drive for once? You've got your provisional license and I would be qualified to come with you, you know." Kaori suggested.

"You really want me to drive your car and be on the passenger seat while I do that? Are you... are you okay? You know you can talk about it, if you're feeling suicidal, right?" Hitoshi replied. Kaori grabbed a pair of socks from the floor (hoping Hitoshi hadn't worn them yet, because... ugh) and threw them at his head, barely missing it. At least she messed up his hair. If there was even a way to mess it up.

"You're such a dick sometimes, you know that?" she said. Hitoshi just shrugged, pretending he didn't care. Kaori knew that he cared, he just didn't like showing it. He had always had this whole tough exterior thing going, but he was really a big softie at heart. Kaori knew because she was similar.

She remembered how distraught Hitoshi was when their cat died after they had gotten her as a kitten 14 years ago. He was crying in his bedroom for days and even skipped two days of uni for it. He barely ate. He had loved that cat more than life itself and he kept saying that he still wasn't ready to move on and get a new kitten. (Kaori knew that he had been looking at some ads online, though. She had caught him during lunch break in the canteen one time, when he wasn't fast enough to hide his phone.)

"Fine. I'll drive. If we die, it's on you, just for the record." Kaori said. Hitoshi gave her a heartfelt smile.

"Thanks, sis. I'll make sure it'll be mentioned at our funeral." he replied. Kaori glanced at the clock hanging at Hitoshi's wall. It was ticking loudly. She had always wondered how Hitoshi wasn't annoyed by this, but he kept insisting that it was relaxing him. It was 4.47 am. Even if her parents would wake up, it wouldn't be too early to find a suitable excuse. She walked back to the door.

"I'll go and take a shower then, I guess. Don't study too much, Toshi." she mumbled on her way out.

"I'll be fine."

#inside your mind #aizawa #fanfiction #shouta aizawa #shota aizawa #aizawa x oc #quirklessau #aizawa fanfiction #hitoshi shinso #shinsou #shinso #hitoshi shinsou #insomnia #university

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spencapenca · 4 years ago

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The Misfits Chapter Three!

Trigger Warning: Internalized homophobia and religious trauma, neglect, mention of death of a parent(s), alcohol addiction, swearing, use of marijuana, and a panic attack. Word Count: 3,350 Feel free to review, and leave a comment or criticism! Update: I am thinking I will update weekly or bi-weekly on Thursdays! I am trying to get in the grove of a posting schedule.

The time had come, midterms. With the group stressing through the AP Psych midterms Dave offered his house to study despite being conscious of the size. It just made sense, his parents weren’t home and they always had food. The agreed time was 4:00 that afternoon, they would study for a few, grab dinner, and study until later. The group figured if they combined their knowledge, they would be able to finish their study guide-- in which it was made clear that completing it would almost guarantee a passing score. The group also knew that with Spencer there it would be easier, and they may get done sooner. They really should have started to study sooner, seeing as how the exam was in three days. Spencer walked through his household in the dark, as his mother had forgotten to pay the bill again this month. The young boy tried to figure it out, he tried to figure out how to make his mom better-- it started with pleases and finished with her cold, long fingers backhanding him in the cheek, resulting in a purple bruise he passed off as hitting his face on a doorknob, or getting elbowed by one of the bigger kids. He noticed his mom was in a trance, staring out of the window and muttering to herself. He then saw her pacing nervously over the worn carpet with cheap liquor in her hand, a cigarette with a long cherry burning down the stick. He tried to step in and stop her, so it hadn’t become uncommon for Spencer to go to bed with a small bruise forming from where she would slap him, accusing him of spying on her only for her to forget it the next day. He tried to convince her to drive him, but she accused him of spying for them again, and he realized that it there was no way that she was gonna drive him. So he set out to walk, peering at the angry sky through the window. He used the little data that he had on his phone, of which his deadbeat father still paid despite his absence to find the way to Dave’s house. He rarely used it, not liking the technology because of the fear his mother instilled in him. About a block into his journey he paused and looked up into the dark sky, seeing the furious clouds, and felt a few raindrops fall onto his thin face. His long-sleeved shirt that was much too thin for a rainy October day became increasingly wet. He started to shiver, walking faster now to make his body warmer. The rain started to come down harder and he brushed the too-long hair out of his eyes that were now becoming soaked. He jumped as thunder clapped and thought to himself ‘this is going to be a long walk’ Sandy stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame as a dark pungent liquid sloshed around in a dirty cup. JJ stormed out of the house, infuriated. Her mother’s drinking had gotten unbearable, she kept finding empty liquor bottles in the garbage, tabs on the floor, and the freezer was more stocked with vodka and tequila than it was food. Quite frankly, she couldn’t do it anymore. She needed the escape. She needed freedom from the suffocating sadness in her house. So naturally, she called Emily and of course, she came for her. They sit in awkward silence until they arrive at Emily’s house and sit on her bed. The smell of the alcohol burned into her nostrils, as she tries to cleanse her senses with the calming lavender sents of Emily. “Ugh! I fucking hate living there! There’s too much shit” JJ rants, her voice quiet but venomous as the stress pulsates off of her. She looked miserable in the clothes she was wearing. Tight and form-fitting-- though it looked great, it was most definitely not something that she should be in when she was this upset. So the first thing Emily did was go to her closet and find a pair of black sweats followed by a dark yellow hoodie that just about swallowed JJ. “You look miserable. Go change and we’ll talk.” Emily said softly, trying to lighten the mood but failing. JJ nodded with a small huff and went into her bathroom, changing quickly into the clothes that smelled like Emily, her senses calmed as a small smile spread across her face. The blonde came back out and plopped onto the bed next to Emily, tension thick in her chest. As if Emily can feel it, she hands her a medium-sized joint burning slowly as smoke comes from its end. “It will make you feel less… well just less. Just trust me.” Emily watched her expression as she sat up and took a small slow drag from the burning paper. JJ did what felt natural and inhaled only to cough. “That’s okay, try again.” And so she did. A couple of times until she felt an unfamiliar calm wash over her senses. Not necessarily high, but definitely calmer. She passes the joint to Emily before flopping back down, “I hate living there. All she does is drink. All. Day. She works from home and drinks. She cooks… well orders shit food, and drinks. She is turning into my grandmother and it is terrible. Everything changed when… when she died… Nothing is the same! Is it too much to fucking ask?!” She rants as small affirming nods and hums come from Emily, “I mean, is it TOO much to ask for your mother to be sober enough to realize you’re not even home!? Or that she’s driving in the car still?! Is that really too fucking much?” “No… no it’s not. I’m sorry... Is there a way you can talk to your dad?” “No. Fucking asshole left. Left me in this shithole.” “I’m sorry JJ... I truly am. Let’s just focus on something else.” And so they did, they smoked and laid close, relaxing while watching a movie or two until it was time to go to the study group. Aaron had been preparing for this day, books scattered along his bedroom floor soft music in the background. He puts everything aside for his brother Sean, who seems to be having school issues of his own, Aaron reminds himself of the man he has to become. His father had left, thankfully-- so he had to become the man, the father figure. To raise his brother when his mother couldn’t. He tried his best to be a good brother, a good son, a good student. These tests were important to that. Crucial. After this, he could relax a bit, let loose as he let Dave take the ropes. Sean LOVED going over to Dave’s, he got to experience the childhood that every kid could ever want over there. Not only that, but it gave Aaron the opportunity to relax and let go, letting himself be a teenager. He would get to hang out with his friend and let go of the responsibility. When he took Sean over to Dave’s with his, he would allow his brother to play with the games that the wealthy teen’s house was stocked with, Sean was able to be a kid too. It was really just healthy for the both of them. Derek and Penelope had been driving for a while, drinking sugary drinks from Starbucks, and holding hands. They decided to have a date day before the study group since they didn’t have much time alone anymore. Though this time was slowly coming to a halt, “Derek… is that Spencer?” She asked, seeing a small figure, shivering in the rainy weather. “I’m sure it…. It is, isn’t it?” He responded, slowing down to the drenched figure Spencer looks over nervously and sees Penelope and calms down, seeing Derek’s window roll down, “Hey kid… why are you in the rain? It’s freezing out there!” “I uhm… I was walkin to Dave’s… for the study group tonight.” Derek looks over at Penelope with a worried glance. Why couldn’t the kid's mom drive him, and how the hell was he getting to school every day? He takes in a breath and nods to his back seat, “Get in Spence, you can just stay with us until the study group. Okay? We were about to grab lunch, are you hungry?” Spencer contemplates for a second before nodding “ ‘M sorry… Your car is gonna get all wet” He mumbled, climbing into the backseat as a crack of lightning, followed by a roar of thunder sounded overhead. He jumped and closed the door as Derek reassured him it was perfectly fine. Penelope looks back and sucks her teeth “Der, you have a hoodie right?” She asked, smiling to herself as he nodded. “Here Sug, take off that wet shirt, put this on, it will keep you warm.” She told the young boy, his hair flush against his forehead as it dripped with small droplets. “Okay…” He responded, pulling the wet shirt off and quickly reveling in the dry comfort of the hoodie that was much, much too big for him. The group went to lunch and then to an arcade, and then--just for Spencer, they went to the big library, allowing him to check out a few books. Derek and Penelope were worried for him, worried for his condition because they noticed something else, a purplish, yellow bruise forming on his cheek that was an obvious handprint. Something was going on and they were going to figure it out. They weren’t going to leave this alone, not this time. Not after the clues that they have seen. Not after the lack of food, dirty clothes, and unkempt hair. Not to mention the ripped shoes and broken pencils.

The groups started to flow in, Aaron and Sean first, then JJ and Emily-- who were still a little buzzed, and finally Derek, Penelope, and Spencer. The first plan of action was the homework packet in which they had due for the midterm. It was a prep packet that was every bit of fifteen pages long, covering everything they had gone over or talked about in the past nine weeks. Little bits from previous exams, of which they had weekly, and questions over the 5 chapters of the textbook they have started to read, front to back. After a while Spencer looked over at Emily and scooted closer to her, a small sniffle forming. He was already starting to get a cold from the rain. He was so nervous to go home, what if his mom came out of the episode and realized he wasn’t there? What if they wouldn’t take him home? How would he get the cold that he caused to go away… how would he clean his clothes? The water bill hadn’t been paid… he had run out of water. His train of thought was broke when Emily naturally rubbed his back with her free hand and smiled softly, not that she would let anyone see it; however, despite her attempts to hide it, JJ noticed and blushed. God, that smile was like crack to her. Addicting. After quite a few hours and rumbling stomach noises, Dave had decided it was time for a break, and for pizza. Though, choosing what kind was not easy. There were many raised voices, and each time Spencer tried to speak up, he was spoken over, making him shrink down. It was too loud. A hand flew up-- innocent of course, just Derek patting someone on the back but it caused him to flench and yelp. Suddenly, all eyes were on him, he was quivering like a wounded puppy, covering his face with small tears forming. His chest felt tight, his breath hitched, but then sped up rapidly, his lungs heaving with each breath. The sight made the noise stop immediately. Emily spoke softly, kneeling beside him “Hey bub, what’s wrong?” He shook his head and sat on the floor slumping against the wall as he shook. Fear taking over his responses, and his fight or flight making him freeze instead. Soon enough he muttered two words “I’m okay.” Two words he muttered way too often, his personal mantra. Emily took into account the noise, knowing how he felt about loud sounds, and how to fix that. She nodded and pulled him into her lap, holding him close, and covering his ears with her hands to muffle the sound around them. With the silenced sound and the comforting scent sent around him he curled up in her lap, his messy curls fanned against her pale chest as he breathed with her, his eyes fluttering closed. The group looks at each other worriedly. Normally Spencer wasn’t like this. He was sensitive, jumpy sure, but he never reacted like this. He never flinched. They sat silently before being jumped out of their thoughts with a ring of the doorbell. Pizza. No one moves for a moment, looking around in before Rossi scrambles up, clumsy but quiet. He tips the delivery man more than he would like to admit and sits the boxes in the middle. “Eat, but be quiet. Don’t wake the kid.” He warns Spencer's head perks up with the smell of the pizza, looking around sleepily “ ‘za” he says, a small sleepy grin on his face. Emily smiles and rubs his back, cutting a glare at Derek who was almost gushing at them, “Yeah kid, pizza. Eat some, then I think Derek over there is gonna get you home to your mama.” She says softly, not expecting him to tense at those words. “I don’t wanna go home…” he mumbled, his voice going stoic, the fear was more than he wanted to deal with. He wanted to stay here with Emily. He wanted to feel safe. Emily glanced at Aaron worriedly, then at Rossi when the silent observer of the room spoke up “Bub, can Spencer stay with us? He’s a good friend, even if he’s younger than me.” Sean speaks up from the back of the room. Aaron nods and glances at Spencer, looking for his word of approval. “Whadyou think kiddo?” “Uhm… Can I please?” He asked quietly, nuzzling into Emily’s chest. “Well, are you sure your mom-” “She doesn’t care. You sure you don’t mind?” He interrupts Aaron quickly, not wanting to explain. Aaron is taken aback at how quickly he responded and he nods, “Sure Spencer. Of course, you’re welcome always.”

Everyone trickled out of Dave’s home group by group, Aaron leaving last. He stayed around because Spencer had fallen asleep again on the couch and he wasn’t about to wake that kid up. It was obvious he never slept with the dark purple rings around his eyes, leaving him puffy. Emily drives back to her house with JJ in her passenger seat. She could feel the tension in between them, the discomfort from JJ’s side. Though it was nothing Emily had done. The suppressed voice in the back of her head ‘don’t do it. Evil. abomination. Wrong.’ A list of the pastors' sermons. The words that he spewed at the conjugation, spewed at her. They cut deep. Every time she looked into the mirror she saw disgust. She sees failure. An imperfection. A giant stamp of hellfire and brimstone. A bubbling in her chest as she felt the impending doom of Sunday morning service. The one day her mom was sober enough to be around other people, but not enough not to be an absolute asshole. JJ was snapped out of her thoughts when Emily tapped her knee “And we’re back to the house. Common up to my room, and we can talk about whatever has been on your beautiful mind.” She says, trying to butter her up and flirts a bit-- it was hard not to at this point. Hard not to let herself fall. Though it did cause an obvious burst of tension between them. “I’m not too sure that you want to know what’s going through my mind right now.” She mumbles, making her way up to Emily’s room and plopping on her bed face down. “Oh, I’m sure I do. I love to hear all of your thoughts. Don’t worry about scaring me off.” JJ let in a shaky inhale “Abomination. Dirty. Disgusting. Evil. Hell bound sinner.” “Woah! Hey! What the hell blondie, what’s happening there.” Emily stutters out, sitting closer to the younger female. JJ looks up with tears in her eyes, “I’m dirty, I can’t help it, but I’m dirty. M-my pastor said and I t-tried to pray it away. I t-tried to be perfect. I thought that if I made myself fall for a Christian boy I would be okay. But I’m not! I’m not okay because girls are pretty and guys are okay. All Christian boys are gross, and I’m TIRED of HATING myself. Leviticus 18:22, For man, shall not lay with a man as he lays with woman for it is an abomination.” She starts to sob out, her cheeks getting heated from the wet tears stinging her cheeks as she sobbed into the fleece blankets. Emily looked over and placed a hand on her back rubbing it softly “You’re okay Jennifer, you’re okay. I promise. You’re not dirty, you’re gorgeous, you’re not disgusting, you’re so amazing and I am so sorry that some man-caused you to feel that. That you have to feel that at all. God… I don’t know him or anything but…. But he loves you blondie. He does, so just fuck the pastors. Love who the fuck ever because you were born that way. You hear me?” She nods and sniffles “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sobbing in your bed. I’m sorry. You’re pretty too. God, you’re gorgeous.” She says too quickly, blushing as she realizes her confession “You’re gorgeous too JJ. Let's get some rest, we can talk about this in the morning, don’t worry about whatever you said that made you get all quiet and we can talk later.” Emily says softly, a smile playing on her features. JJ nods with a small smile, turning so her back is to Emily. She pulls the blanket up to her chin and almost allows herself to relax into Emily’s touch, but she doesn’t and she keep herself close to the wall. Penelope and Derek decided just to stay at Penelope’s house, her aunt wasn’t home and they just wanted to be with each other. They lay in her bed and she rests her head on his chest, grounding herself with the rise and fall of his breaths. Derek carts his hand through her hair silently as he notices her tensity. After a few moments, he finally speaks up “Baby girl, what’s wrong?” He asked softly She takes in a shaky breath, “I just… I just miss my mom… and my dad.” She admits softly, her voice barely above a whisper as if she was afraid of the confession. She had been pondering over the thoughts. She wanted to tell her mom about EVERYTHING, have a girl talk. Just be her daughter again. He nods and kisses her forehead, “I’m sorry baby, I know it’s hard but when I start missing my pops a lot I talk to him. I talk to him about you, school, football… everything really. I know he can hear me, and I can feel him with me. Sometimes it’s a dream, but sometimes it’s just a calm that washes over me.” Penelope nods and sniffles, “I know… I’m sorry for crying all over you. You’re such a good boyfriend, thank you for understanding me and my issues. Thank you” She whispers into his chest Derek nods and kisses her head again “It is my greatest pleasure Penny. You’re so strong my love” and with those words, the couple cuddled and fell asleep arm in arm, limbs tangled in a comforting way as they breathe each other's oxygen, the stress of the world away while they’re in each other's arms.

#themisfits #kala writes

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hufflepuff-ravenclaw-reviews · 4 years ago

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Titans Season 2

So I wouldn't exactly say that Titans season 2 was bad, exactly. But I felt like it kind of meandered through a bunch of different plot points without actually seeming to go anywhere?

And I was thinking about the constant “five years ago” backstory episodes, and I was like “But they make sense”. So it's not like things felt... unnecessary, by any means. However, I felt like the plot kind of zig-zagged around a lot different points, zipped back to a couple different backstory episodes, rerouted back to the present for something completely different, and then... somehow managed to wind up at episode thirteen (the last of the season).

We left off in season one with Rachel's demon father literally being brought to the human world, and all hope seemingly lost.

However, the entire subplot of resolving this barely lasted for five minutes, when all way said and done. Most of the first episode was just these darker timelines in which every one of Rachel's new-found friends and adoptive family sunk into evil ways. But not to worry, because Rachel was able to just talk to them and remind them of how much she means to them.

And then she stopped her father. Somehow. I can't swear that Princess Celestia didn't show up and preach about the power of friendship.

It was such a huge build-up in the first season, and the fact that it was resolved so quickly in the first episode of season two is honestly the first of many let-downs, I felt.

Following this, Dick is adamant that he take the new kids to San Francisco, where, with Bruce's permission, he's going to start up the Titans again.

Back in the day, it was Robin, Hawk and Dove, Wondergirl, and Aqualad. You might remember that we've met all of these characters from the first season... except for Aqualad.

And if you're wondering if he died... bingo. You win a prize of a depressing episode in which we're introduced to his character and his budding romance with Donna Troy... only to have him be murdered by a man named Slade Wilson.

This asshole was the entire reason why the original Titans broke up. See, following Aqualad's murder, Dick got it into his head that he could befriend Slade's son, Jericho. And the others were on board with this, because their friend was killed. But when they actually got to know Jericho, they all felt bad.

Until they find out that Jericho has “body snatching” powers, and can “possess” other people so long as he has initial eye-contact with them. And then suddenly, they tell him everything and even make him an official member of the team.

And that's all fine and dandy, but Slade is upset over this and murders his son. Because reasons.

And all of these memories suddenly being brought to the surface because of Slade's reappearance cause a break in Dick's already fragile psyche and he starts to have intense hallucinations in which Bruce Wayne follows him around and offers advice. It got old after a while.

Eventually, it reached a point with Dick this season that he went out and punched a security guard at the airport just so that he could be locked in jail. And this subplot dragged on forever, and never seemed to actually go anywhere.

But eventually, Dick made nice with the suit maker who seems to supply all of the suits for all of the heroes. Bruce had already designed the Nightwing costume for Dick, although this didn't make an appearance until the final episode.

Kori does have a lot of interesting developments this season, but a lot of them are seemingly being put on the backburner for the next season. She goes off for a while to help Donna do crime-stopping stuff, and ends up getting “kidnapped” by a guard from her homeplanet... Who also is a former lover of hers. He tells her that it's time to go home and rule, but Kori decides to go to California and help Rachel instead.

Eventually, her lover is taken over by her sister, Blackfire's mind-controlling jelly-thing, and Kori ends up needing to kill him in order to help stop her sister.

And then... that's it. Kori's duties are literally never brought up again for the rest of the season. Or the fact that Blackfire killed her entire family and seemingly started some sort of war on the planet. Kori can't even be bothered to tell Blackfire that she would prefer to stay on earth. Just... okay, this is a thing that's happening. BUT TITANS. Ugh.

There is a little teaser of Blackfire taking over some random lady at the very end of the last episode. But, as I said. Season three material.

Hank and Dawn... exist. That's pretty much the only thing that I can say about their characters this season. They simultaniously don't want to do crime-fighting anymore, yet refuse to actually walk away. Hank eventually pushes Dawn away to the point where he suggests that they should break up. And then he goes off the deep-end and starts doing hard-core drugs.

Anything that happened with them this entire season could have literally been cut out, and I doubt that the overall plot would have changed much.

I feel like the same could probably go for Donna as well. Although she had two exciting parts. One with her lover dying. Which... felt weird and forced and I honestly couldn't care either way about Aqualad's relationship with Wondergirl.

And then Donna herself died. Which was just so random and seemingly out of the blue. Especially because they'd just gone done taking down a mind-controlled Superboy (I will get to him in a second), and she had a full-powered fight with him. And then she'd killed by a ferris wheel falling on her.

And then Rachel says that she's going to go with the other ladies and probably learn how to better control her powers for next season. I don't know, and at that point, it all just seemed like characters moving around without having any actual motive.

And then there's Jason Todd. His plot basically revolves around Slade giving Jason PTSD, and then Jason fucking Slade's daughter, Rose.

When the season started, and it became clear that Jason was going to be on the team as the official Robin (leaving Dick to take over the role as Nightwing), I had really hoped for some decent character development from him. But instead, all we get is thirsty asshole with daddy and authority issues. Moving on.

And speaking of Rose... I felt like her character was given the proverbial shaft. She has an interesting character of being the daughter of a villain, but wanting to break away from her father after coming to understand a few things about found family.

She realized that she had healing powers, and told her father. He then trained her, and used her to further his own goals. Meaning to get vengeance on the Titans for using Jericho to get to him. But after having spent some time with Jason, Rose decides not to have anything to do with her father at all.

In the end, Rose and Nightwing team up and take down Slade. Which is something that the original Titans said that they'd struggled with “the first time around”. So how is it that “circus boy” and “girl who can heal herself” can do what actual super-powered Wondergirl, with the help of Robin, Hawk, and Dove failed to do?

All in all, the take down of Slade coupled with the destruction of Rachel's father is leaving a sour taste in my mouth. Don't get all excited over things like the build-up of villains, because the show will probably let you down in this regard.

And then there's Rachel. So much time in the first season was devoted to building up her character and everything, that it was honestly kind of disappointing that she seemed to take a back-seat in the second season. There was too much going on.

On top of a pointless side story where Rachel ran away from Donna and beat up some girl's father. It went nowhere, none of this was explained, and it was almost like the development of Donna, Dawn, and Hank.

Finally, the introduction of Superboy. For those not familiar with DC lore, Superboy is a science experiment to basically make an mpreg baby between Lex Luthor and Superman. He's got all of Superman's powers, and all of Lex's intelligence. However, the thing that comes out from the CADMUS lab is as innocent as a newborn baby... which makes him insanely dangerous.

There was a really long and honestly kind of tedious episode where he escaped from the lab with Krypto the Superdog, and how the project lead came to find him.

And then he went off and saved Jason from falling to his death, thanks to Slade. Only to be shot with kryptonite bullets for his trouble.

When Connor wakes up from this shooting, it's to find that Gar is the only one remaining at Titan's Tower, the others having taken off because of REASONS. However, Gar is certain that teaching Connor how to do proper hero stuff, that it'll make the other Titans want to come back. But circles around to Connor's innocence, he goes off and attacks a bunch of police officers.

This results in CADMUS breaking into Titan's Tower. Once the leader sees what Gar can do, they take him, too.

They then brainwash both of them to follow orders without objection. For Gar, this means transforming into a tiger whenever classical music is played, and killing anybody who is nearby.

This comes to a head after the others have taken down Slade. Gar attacks a street carnival, and Superboy is sent in to “stop” him. However, all of this was a ploy of CADMUS in order to convince people to buy Superboy for millions of dollars.

Rachel is somehow able to un-brainwash Gar simply through THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP. And Dick is able to get to Connor again, using nothing but talking. AND THEN EVERYBODY SANG AND THERE WERE MAGICAL BIRDS AND A UNICORN SHOWED UP. /sarcasm

Overall, this season wasn't bad. It was trying REALLY hard to be good, I felt. But I also felt like it was trying to do too much in just thirteen episodes.

#Titans #The Ravenclaw mod

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thethirdwheel404 · 4 years ago

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Med Series Rewatch (#19)

S3 E19: Crisis of Confidence.

Uh oh.

Episode description: Dr. Manning rushes to save a young boy who has a life-threatening case of the flu. After discovering that opioid painkillers were stolen during last week’s mass casualty, April believes Dr. Choi’s sister took them.

Seriously April? So gung-ho to defend Emily, but then you turn around and accuse her. (I don’t remember if she actually took them)

Actually, we can figure that out. Bc according to this, you can infer that ethan was defending his sister, and since the guy is always right and the girl is always wrong, she probably didn’t.

let’s get into it.

- a fucking anonymous note?? why are they doing this weird detective thing? can they not find more things for psych to do

- THIS GUY IS JUST SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE (sarah’s dad)

- I need ava to come in a fuck some of his shit up. honestly. please. SAVE HER

- ava going with sarah to her dad’s apartment? mayhaps????

- a crumb of reesker rights, please

- do we ever find out who slips charles the articles?

- also I’m guessing that charles offers to go to the apartment instead, for sarah, and that’s where he finds all of the missing girls’ personal belongings

- also. this is the second to last ep of the season. and this is the first episode with these murder allegations. it literally comes out of nowhere. the second to last ep. MED. WHAT ARE YOU DOING

- ava turning to connor with a sly grin when he tries to reassure her. they rag on each other so much (bc she told him to stop acting like he’s not enjoying ava being flamed for failing the exercise)

- ugh god ava in her lab coat does things

- accentttt

- why does connor look to ava to explain the complications?

- the way she’s closely watching him, sees him look to her to give her the cue. the little nod of question

- the look on all of their faces. like, it’s like... the kinda get where she’s coming from, the patient who doesn’t want to give up her baby for her heart. it’s a hard decision

- hands in pockets. HANDS IN POCKETS

- ava looks so fucking tired when connor says ‘what if there’s another option’. hilarious

- she’s had to do this so many times

- wait so this is the second time in a row nat and ava work on a case together. hmm...

- i smell the ship forming

- bc the fandom feasts off crumbs

- and the med writers are the old men throwing bread on the ground

- we are mere pigeons

- don’t like it when connor calls her by her first name? it just annoys me. has he earned that right?

- half of me is like ‘ava would be alright with people calling her ava bc she wants interactions/friendships’ but then the other is like ‘she’s too much of a professional, she knows her worth, people have to earn their right to talk to her’, yk? idk

- the sadness in ava’s eyes when there’s complications in the surgery

- godddd look at sarah’s smile

- easy, joking. let her be more at ease please

- god april in this episode fucking sucks

- SARAH’S FUCKING HANDS WHEN THAT WOMAN TALKING TO HER DAD HUGS HER. that’s fucking hilarious

- it’s so fucking funny oh my god

- no no no no, sarah. do not second guess yourself and convince yourself that your dad’s alright. no

- connor is so fucking egotistical in this episode. holy shit what the fuckk?? brooooo. chill.

- kick him in his face. kick him in the face

- ava and connor whispering banter to each other

- more ava being concerned and disapproving of connor’s decisions

- ethan and april suck in this ep. honestly

- yeah ava move it. i love watching her do work. (a given) push that bed. she’s being useful

- ava stopping him. ever the realist

- good. pay for your decisions

- ik this doesn’t completely line up with the idea we set earlier of ava being more ‘high risk high reward’ but an interesting pattern has started to emerge. she never uses those high risk ideas when the cases involve children or babies. she is very considerate in that sense. interesting

- let connor have a crisis of confidence. let him be scared, not confident. it’s what he fucking deserves

- ava here is concerned bc this is suuuper ooc for connor, to take himself off this case. he’s in a bad spot, and she cares for him

- is he really about to find a dead body?

- oh okay

- I FORGOT THE FINALE FOR MANSTEAD IS WILL PROPOSING

- this is so stupid

One more episode boys. This episode was standard Ava stuff. The only thing that I feel needs to be cleared up is Ava’s look of sadness when Connor takes himself off the case. No, it’s not because deep down Ava think that Connor is the right choice. Do not even try to take this there. She is sad because she is concerned for her friend, because his normal state is egotistical. For him to think he is completely unfit, something is very very wrong.

One more episode.

thanks for sticking with it

#chicago med #med rewatch series #crisis of confidence #mine

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commentaryvorg · 5 years ago

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Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 6.5

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time as we wrapped up chapter 6’s investigation, Flashback Lights were clearly fake, Himiko was a very great mage and was probably acting kind of like Kaito on purpose, Shuichi was being the kind of hero Kaito always saw him as and unfortunately playing into Monokuma’s hands in the process, Keebo became mind-controlled again and immediately started making more sense than before, and he still lacked any remotely well-written justification for not having used his weapons sooner.

Before we start the trial, this one requires some more specific skill setup than most trials, because of a couple of parts later on which are exceedingly stupid and should not be allowed to be any harder than they absolutely have to. First off, Librarian’s Glare, which immediately silences loud voices in Mass Panic Debates without you having to do anything. Then, every single skill I have which makes Argument Armaments easier (thanks, Gonta! and also there’s a couple from the casino). This also includes one that increases my health, which was not remotely necessary for the rest of this not-blind playthrough where I wouldn’t be getting any answers wrong, but it definitely helps here. I didn’t quite have enough levels to fit everything new on so I had to drop a couple of the more general-purpose skills that I like to use, but it’ll be worth it. I kept the Psyche Taxi ones on, though, partly because I still want to make those go by as fast as possible, but also because I just want to keep using Kaito’s skill, too.

Anyway, Shuichi is out to prove that Kaede didn’t really kill Rantaro and therefore that Monokuma got a verdict wrong, which is the exact thing Kokichi and Kaito were aiming to make happen in the previous trial in the hope of “winning”/ending the killing game. If Kaito hadn’t managed to prove that there’s definitely an audience and Monokuma definitely isn’t allowed to get things wrong, Shuichi wouldn’t even know it’d be worthwhile to do this right now. Kaito’s efforts did not go to waste.

Monokuma: “Puhuhu… So in the end, the first case has become the focal point yet again… What a twist! What an interesting twist!”

Narrative bookending! This wasn’t a planned part of his script, but Monokuma’s totally fine with Shuichi doing this for him because it’s good storytelling!

…Though, as we’re going to see later in this trial, maybe I’m giving Monokuma too much credit to assume he knows what “good storytelling” looks like.

Shuichi begins by talking about Rantaro. I’m sure there’s a part of him that just wants to immediately prove that Kaede didn’t kill anyone (because he definitely already knows how to prove that), but he’s restraining himself and taking this one step at a time.

Shuichi: “The Monopad also contained a video Rantaro recorded for himself.”

No, it didn’t. It contained a note. The video in Rantaro’s lab was a completely different thing that Rantaro never saw before he died.

Every single English line in this trial referring to Rantaro’s Monopad note is going to insistently call it a video – and this is a localisation change, because the original Japanese calls it a note like it should do. I have no idea what kind of confusion happened during the localisation process to convince not just one but all of the localisers – because multiple characters make this mistake – that Rantaro’s Monopad note was supposed to be a video and the original somehow got it wrong. This is the most bizarrely consistent mistake in the whole localisation. It’s even actually a relevant plot point that it is just a note, because that means there was no proof Rantaro himself wrote it and it was most likely actually written by the mastermind as a trap. That would be a lot less possible if it really was a video! Come on, localisers. Kaito’s arm in the trial 5 video had to have been a genuine careless goof one way or another, but this mistake is somehow very calculated and deliberate, and that is ridiculous.

Keebo: “But if Rantaro had a clue like that, why didn’t he come to us with it?”

Shuichi: “I assume because he didn’t trust us. The killing game had just started, after all. What he said in his video message certainly didn’t help either. He told himself to only share this information with people he could trust.”

Yep. It’s almost like the message was actually specifically designed to make Rantaro afraid of sharing the information so that he’d get killed because it wasn’t a video and therefore could have easily been from the mastermind!

It’s also incredibly silly that Shuichi is calling it a video over a shot of Rantaro’s Survivor Perk Monopad and its very-not-a-video note. Did… did nobody playtest this and realise the characters were talking about something that doesn’t exist?

Maki: “He didn’t have any recollection of filming this message, right? That means he must have had trouble believing it as well.”

He would have had a lot less trouble believing it if it really was a video, because it’d be hard to deny seeing himself there in the flesh. But this is from Maki’s original correct line about writing the message, in which case of course Rantaro would doubt whether it was really from himself.

(If it really canonically was a video, then this’d be the one time you’d see me being completely sure that Tsumugi was cosplaying and faking a video of one of these students, because its content is so definitely the mastermind trying to get him killed. Tsumugi faking a video rather than just writing him a note would in fact be a better way for her to do this, because Rantaro would be less likely to doubt the message if he could see himself saying it. So the fact that she didn’t make a video for his Monopad suggests that using her cosplay skills to fake videos isn’t a thing that’s likely to occur to Tsumugi as an option in general.)

Shuichi flashes back to a couple of things Rantaro said: one that hinted at the existence of his note, and one of him declaring his intent to end the killing game. These two different things were actually mentioned during two completely different conversations… and Shuichi wasn’t there for the second of them (because this is when we were playing as Kaede). Kaede also never relayed to Shuichi in detail what Rantaro said back then. The writers maaayyy have forgotten this.

Shuichi: “The only people who knew about the hidden door at the time were Rantaro and I… I had Kaede with me and I thought I could trust her. So I told her about the hidden room… That was the difference between me and Rantaro, I suppose. I had Kaede…”

The difference was friends. Or, well, the difference was the lack of a mysterious note encouraging paranoia, plus an overly dependent personality causing Shuichi to latch onto and rely on Kaede despite a situation that discourages doing that kind of thing. But also friends. If Rantaro had had someone he could trust like that, maybe things could have been different. And if Shuichi hadn’t trusted Kaede like he did and had kept his knowledge to himself, things would have been different too.

Monokuma: “And Kaede’s the one who killed him!”

…

Shuichi: “…”

Shuichi is still sitting on the bombshell that no, she didn’t. He knows, but he’s going to clear up everything else first, probably to make it so that when he does get to that point, there’ll be no doubt about it.

(In this particular post, whenever I put an ellipsis to indicate that I’m skipping other characters’ irrelevant line(s) of dialogue, assume it’s probably the Monokubs. I am sparing you and letting you mostly forget they exist.)

Sigh. I use to like reading all the white noise and picking out fun bits to comment on, but now it’s all just the Monokubs spouting distracting nonsense. I suppose they’re doing it as an excuse to give you more white noise for endgame difficulty despite the far fewer characters left, but.

Shuichi: “What? Ugh, keep quiet, will you? I don’t have time for your nonsense right now.”

This is Shuichi’s reaction when the cubs butt in for a Rebuttal Showdown, and, yes, Shuichi. We all feel you there.

The typography in their Rebuttal Showdown involves the words spinning around a lot and being vaguely difficult to cut just by their speed, probably representing how annoying and distracting this whole thing is.

Shuichi: “The outline of his fingers matches how he was holding it in the picture.”

I mean, not really when you look at them like that. But also one can imagine that his fingers might have splayed out in sudden shock the moment he was hit, so yeah, close enough I guess. Danganronpa has never been super careful about getting the details of its evidence exactly right.

Here’s the final proper Psyche Taxi in the game (thank god), which could also contend for the title of the stupidest one simply based on the fact that absolutely none of the questions are asking you to figure out anything new. The final question is “Who can enter the hidden room?” – and the answer is just “the mastermind”, not the actual identity of the mastermind. Because I am definitely only just figuring out now that the hidden room belonged to the mastermind, and this definitely required me to answer four obvious questions to figure out this very secret conundrum.

(At least Kaito helped me crash my way through some of the cars without slowing down to make this go by faster. Thanks, Kaito. Yes, I am still shamelessly using every possible opportunity to mention him, of course I am.)

Tsumugi: “Oh, that’s true… In order to get to the hidden room, you need to move the bookcase, right? But Shuichi and Kaede set up those hidden cameras, so… If the mastermind was using that door, they would’ve been caught on camera.”

Tsumugi, you know full well about the intervals, we discussed them at length in trial 1. The fact that you are making such a point of trying to argue something that’s already obviously wrong is making you look quite suspicious.

(If she was arguing about how the dust on the card reader means they couldn’t have entered through the library door, then that’s one thing, since she supposedly doesn’t know about the hidden passageway. But that’s not what she’s doing.)

Shuichi: “The mastermind was probably terrified by the idea of us picking up Rantaro’s perk.”

Monokuma: “No, that’s wrong!”

Shuichi: (…What?)

Monokuma: “I wasn’t necessarily afraid… The Survivor Perk was for Rantaro’s eyes only. Sure, he could’ve shared the info with you… But that’s not the same as getting the info directly from the Monopad. Cuz then, you can’t say it was for Rantaro’s eyes only, right? So when he died, I took it back. That’s all.”

Monokuma’s excuse here does actually make a reasonable amount of sense. One general principle of this game is that anyone can make basically any claim they like, but they aren’t necessarily going to be able to prove that what they’re saying is true, and it’s up to others to decide whether or not to believe them. Monokuma is not (supposed to be, trial 5 aside) allowed to give any information that would directly prove any student’s claim to be true or false, hence the Monokuma Files sometimes omitting details. Rantaro’s Survivor Perk would also sort of fall under that idea. Rantaro was allowed to tell people about it, but that claim of his wasn’t allowed to be conclusively proven to be true.

If you’ve ever played the game Mafia/Werewolf/whatever else you might call it, it’s a lot like how you’re not allowed to show everyone else your role card/role PM/whatever it was you got from the gamemaster to tell you what your role is. That would prove certain claims to be true or false, and that’s not in the spirit of the game. Monokuma is trying to run a similar kind of game here. He did admittedly make it much harder for himself to enforce that rule by giving Rantaro extra info that was meant to be for his eyes only in a format that someone else might be able to get their hands on. Rantaro’s video in his lab was also supposed to be like this – he mentioned in it that Monokuma might try to shoo people away from him to stop him from telling anyone else about it. That sure would have been a very awkward way for Monokuma to try and enforce that.

Of course, note how Monokuma only says he wasn’t necessarily afraid before explaining why this was all totally within the rules of the game. The rules might be part of it, but he totally was also afraid of others seeing the Survivor Perk just because it would give them information he didn’t want them to know regardless of the rules. The hint that Rantaro has been in a previous killing game, and the possibility that him checking out the hidden door might have been a trap to get him killed, definitely weren’t things that Monokuma wanted to be known.

Shuichi: “The Monopad clearly stated that there was a mastermind in the academy. If we knew then that a mastermind was behind everything, we would have worked together.”

Also that. Shuichi knows what’s up.

(Oh, hey, remember who was always still convinced there was a mastermind even after Kaede’s trial but just decided to never fucking tell anyone that he thought that? Yeah, he sure would have helped us out a lot more if he ever actually had, huh.)

Himiko: “If they wanted to retrieve the Monopad, they shoulda used Monokuma to do it!”

Monokuma: “Nope, that’s impossible. The rules state I can’t participate in a murder, which includes tampering with the crime scene.”

…Not really? The rules state, “Monokuma will never directly commit a murder”. That’s all. There’s nothing specific about Monokuma being unable to participate in more indirect ways or tamper with the crime scene, so if he wanted to do that, he totally could while claiming it wasn’t technically against the rules.

This appears to be a localisation thing, because looking at the Japanese wording of that rule, a more direct translation would be something like, “Monokuma will not participate in a murder”, which matches with this line here. You’d still think that the rules should better clarify exactly what “participation” entails in order for them to explicitly ban Monokuma from tampering with the crime scene after the fact, though.

Regardless, if one of the reasons he wanted to hide the Monopad was for the abiding-by-the-rules reason of keeping it for Rantaro’s eyes only, that definitely seems like a situation in which Monokuma would be allowed to step in even when he usually couldn’t.

…Not that he’d have wanted to anyway, because Tsumugi had to be there just in case she needed to do the murder, which Monokuma definitely wasn’t allowed to do.

(Also, in case 4 of Danganronpa 1, Monokuma very much did tamper with the crime scene while arguing that it totally didn’t count as being against the rules. Different killing games with slightly different rule technicalities, sure, but I could definitely buy him weaseling his way out of this one too if he’d wanted to.)

Shuichi tries to insist that Monokuma’s strictness about the rules means they’re being watched, and Monokuma conspicuously changes the subject.

Shuichi: (I still don’t have the whole picture… but it seems that we’re all being watched. In that case… this plan should go well.)

You already knew you were most likely being watched! Kaito sacrificed everything to prove it! It’s honestly quite disappointing to me that the narrative doesn’t connect trials 5 and 6 together as well as it really should. It seems on the surface that the only reason this trial is happening is because Keebo went rogue after Kaito’s execution completely coincidentally happened to break his antenna. This is really a lot more connected to what happened in trial 5 than just that, because it’s also about Shuichi now knowing there’s an audience thanks to that trial. But it’s not emphasised as much as it should be, not with lines like this that gloss over the reason Shuichi began to assume they’re being watched.

Monokuma: “In the end, Kaede killed him… There’s no shaking off that truth.”

…

Shuichi: “No, that’s not the truth. I’m certain of that. It’s a lie that you made up.”

Finally, Shuichi’s getting down to business! Looks like he’s got everything else that he wanted to out of the way now. Proving that the mastermind was in the hidden room at the time of Rantaro’s death is helpful for proving who really did kill Rantaro if it wasn’t Kaede, after all.

Shuichi: “The most important fact we discovered during the investigation is this… The shot put ball that Rantaro was killed with, was different than the one Kaede had!”

Aww, look at how he sees the fact that Kaede shouldn’t have been executed as the most important thing he found out, despite having found several other things that are also objectively preeeetty important (Flashback Lights being fake, for one).

Shuichi: “It was wrapped in her spare vest. Her *pink* vest.”

Despite how the writing makes Shuichi refer to it, her vest was totally purple and not pink, by the way. I’m bringing this up for a more meaningful reason than just being nitpicky about my mental categorisation of colours, because Kaede’s vest was a lighter shade but almost exactly the same purple hue as Kaito’s jacket. Have I mentioned those two were so very similar and the writers knew exactly what they were doing with them, even to the point of making them visually reminiscent of each other in their colour palettes.

I am somewhat disappointed that the order in which Monokuma blows up his cubs here doesn’t match the original order they died in, in that Monodam is killed earlier than last time. He was the most tolerable one! I didn’t talk about it at all because it was still completely extraneous and unnecessary, but he actually had something vaguely resembling an interesting character arc! They could have at least kept him around for longer than his much more annoying yellow brother this time too.

Tsumugi: “The mastermind killed Rantaro… but why?”

Shuichi: “I believe the reason had something to do with the time limit motive.”

That’s definitely part of it – they didn’t actually want to kill everyone when the time limit ran out, so they needed a murder to happen, which they could conveniently pin on Kaede – but that’s not all of it. It’s also just because Kaede being so determined to save everyone that she was willing to kill the mastermind and yet tragically killed an innocent instead was such a good story that they didn’t want it to go to waste by pure bad luck of the shot put ball missing. Even if there hadn’t been the issue of awkwardly being obligated to kill everyone upon the time limit if Kaede’s plan failed, they’d still have done this just for the story.

Himiko: “S-So… Kaede was executed on false charges!?”

Shuichi: “Yes… yes, she was. She didn’t actually kill anyone. But she was executed nonetheless.”

See, the thing is… for all meaningful intents and purposes, Kaede still was a murderer. She very much meant to kill someone, and so she deliberately took actions that she believed would lead to someone’s death, that wouldn’t have done if she hadn’t taken them. And, indeed, it wouldn’t have done – because if Kaede hadn’t tried to kill someone, Tsumugi wouldn’t have stepped in and finished the job for her and Rantaro wouldn’t have died. Kaede is still just as responsible for Rantaro’s death as Tsumugi is. I’m certain that if she were still alive and aware of this truth, she’d be furious at Tsumugi for killing Rantaro when he’d had the chance to live after all, but she’d also still be blaming herself for Rantaro’s death, and she’d be right to.

Shuichi: “And you want to tell us that this game is fair? That there are rules? That’s all bullshit! This game makes no sense at all!”

Maki: “If Monokuma twisted the truth for this case… then he could’ve twisted it for the other cases, making this killing game unfair.”

Himiko: “Th-Then it’s not even a killing game anymore. It’s just… killing.”

…But the rules of this game don’t give a fuck about where the moral responsibility for a murder lies. They only care about who very literally and directly carried out the act. That’s how Kokichi got away with killing Miu, even though, during the trial in which Gonta had no memory of killing her, Kokichi was more meaningfully responsible for her death than the Gonta standing in the room was.

And the death penalty is fucked up as all hell. Nobody deserves to die for killing someone, not even Kiyo – he deserved to be locked up for the rest of his life where he couldn’t hurt anyone else, but even he did not deserve to be horribly killed. The only way in which it can be seen to be even remotely, vaguely justified that any of these people got executed is because they were in a game where they knew the rules meant that if they directly killed someone and then got found out, they’d die for it, because that’s just how the game works. (This is of course still not actually justified at all, but it’s what Monokuma will insist on.) So even though Kaede did meaningfully cause a person’s death, the fact that she did not directly kill Rantaro in accordance with the game’s rules means that her death was not fair and not justifiable on any level at all. Like Himiko says, that’s not even a game, that’s just killing.

(This is the one other time in this game that Shuichi uses strong language, which feels very appropriate given the context of this moment.)

Shuichi: “…I won’t forgive them. I’ll never forgive them for breaking the rules and killing Kaede. So cruel… I’ll never forgive them! And I *will* avenge Kaede! I swear on her kindness and her love… and her grave that I will avenge her!”

And note how Shuichi doesn’t linger for very long on the fact that Kaede technically didn’t kill Rantaro and instead focuses his passion and anger on the fact that her death was wrong. That’s the most important part, after all.

I also like to think when he talks about “her love” that he’s not really talking about specifically romantic love, even though he seemingly did happen to have romantic feelings for her. After all, Kaede was such a warm and kind person that she loved everyone here, more than she loved herself. Platonic love is equally important, and Kaede had so much of it to give.

So, I’ve seen people complain that Shuichi acts like Kaede was perfect and innocent and without fault at this point in the trial… but that’s not really what he’s actually doing here. Admittedly, he doesn’t properly acknowledge to himself that Kaede was still guilty, since that’s something I imagine he’d want to avoid thinking about too much, so he is still being a little influenced by his own personal bias of how much she meant to him. But he is also not trying to incorrectly argue, to himself or out loud, that she was ever innocent, and I think that’s important to keep in mind. All he ever says is “she didn’t actually kill anyone”, which is true on a technical level relating to her being executed for it, and that’s the context in which he said that.

(While we’re here talking about moral responsibility for deaths, let’s also talk about Maki in case 5. She very much intended to and tried to kill Kokichi, yes. She landed a lethal blow on him, which one might think would make the fact that Kaito finished the job for her be a moot point, even more so than it was with Tsumugi finishing off Rantaro in Kaede’s case. But the thing is, in Maki’s case, Kokichi was already going to die anyway. He’d already decided on his plan to have Kaito kill him that night, and Kaito said himself that he would definitely have agreed to the plan even if Maki hadn’t been a factor. The “wouldn’t have led to his death if she hadn’t taken those actions” part doesn’t fit here, because Kaito would have killed Kokichi regardless. So while Maki still tried to kill Kokichi, and that’s something she needs to acknowledge and take responsibility for, the fact that she tried to do that ultimately ended up irrelevant to his death. Kokichi did not die because Maki tried to kill him. If Kaede’s shot put ball had missed and then somebody else had come along and killed Rantaro for unrelated reasons that they’d still have had even if Kaede’s plan didn’t exist, Kaede would have been guilty of nothing but attempted murder too.)

Tsumugi: “It’s Kaede’s younger twin sister!”

Oh boy, here we go with this.

Tsumugi: “It seemed sorta weird to me. Junko Enoshima had a twin, too, right?”

Keebo: “Are you saying those same circumstances apply here, as well?”

Tsumugi: “This killing game was influenced a lot by the past one, right? So maybe the mastermind’s identity was, too.”

This argument does not make any sense at all. She’s saying the mastermind wanted to copy everything about Junko’s killing game… so she also went and… copied having a twin??? Funnily enough, that is not how twins work. Either you were born with one, or you’ll never have one. Unless Tsumugi’s saying that twins are somehow genetically predisposed to being despair-loving evil masterminds, there is no level on which she can be arguing that this would be anything more than a coincidence and therefore can even remotely be used as evidence to point to the mastermind’s identity.

The only value that the argument of “Junko was a twin, so maybe this game’s mastermind is also a twin because it’s following the same pattern” has is as a narrative argument. The writers could give the mastermind a twin after the fact to make it follow the pattern. And characters within this story should not be able to make narrative arguments. This is very, very telling.

Shuichi: (The mastermind who snuck into the academy and is making us play this sick game… Is Kaede’s twin sister?) “…”

Shuichi’s somewhat pressured thoughtful face during his silent textbox there reads to me less like he’s worrying about Kaede being connected to this and more that he’s just thinking “but that doesn’t make any goddamn sense”.

If you happen to attempt to agree with Tsumugi’s “theory” during the following debate…

Tsumugi: “Right? The mastermind must be Kaede's twin sister! I'm sure of this now that you agree, Shuichi!”

Shuichi: (...What is this? Why do I feel so uncomfortable?)

…It really does read like Shuichi knows full well how bullshit this is and is wondering why he even seemed to think it might make sense for a moment. His sense of discomfort could even be because this is making him suspect that Tsumugi is deliberately trying to mislead him, and he’s still not ready to accept that she’s the mastermind.

Shuichi: “However, the implications… aren’t good.”

Himiko: “Wh-What an ominous way to say it… But there’s nothing to worry about! We got this far because we’re friends!”

Himiko, you are really tempting fate here. Does it not occur to you that the not-good implications Shuichi’s talking about could be that you’re actually not all friends?

During this part where you’re meant to say the mastermind is one of the participants, if you try and say it’s Kaede’s twin, Shuichi muses:

Shuichi: (No... there's no real proof she has a twin sister in the first place.)

…which is a very valid point and supports my theory that she really actually didn’t, if the narrative is acknowledging that as an option.

Himiko: “Th-That’s crazy! There’s no way one of us is the mastermind! Because… we’re all friends! We swore to fight together!”

Monokuma: “Puhuhu… Then it just means that all your friendship talk was a lie, right?”

Geez, Monokuma, just because Kokichi’s dead doesn’t mean you need to fill in for him. They really are so alike. The fact that one person’s friendship talk was a lie doesn’t mean that it all was!

But man, can you imagine the field day Kokichi would be having with this if he were still here? He never used any of his “maybe you shouldn’t trust each other” spiel to try and get people to actually find the mastermind among their friends even though he knew all along that there was one – but that definitely wouldn’t stop him from now being all self-righteously “I told you so and if you’d all listened to me you’d have found the mastermind sooner!!!”

Himiko: “Whatever! I don’t believe you! There’s no way the mastermind’s here!”

Himiko being so adamant about this is another thing that’s become very Kaito of her! Kaito definitely wouldn’t be enjoying this either if he were still with us. But, since there’s no memory loss involved, Kaito would be able to see the truth in Tsumugi’s behaviour and accept it once she starts acting more and more suspicious. If you get betrayed, it’s your fault for misjudging them, that’s all.

Monokuma: “Puhuhu… I wonder where this discussion will lead. Will it lead to a mastermind in this very room? Or… not? Either way, we’re gonna make sure this trial stays exciting!”

Are you about to head to a commercial break or something, Monokuma? That can’t be it, since the debate starts immediately after this, but it sure sounds like it. Also way to not be even remotely subtle about this thing having an audience, yet again.

Himiko: “I was in the Game Room in the basement. With Kaito and Gonta and Maki… Also, Tenko and Angie were there too.”

It’s odd that Himiko adds Tenko and Angie like they’re afterthoughts, when surely she’d think of them first.

Tsumugi: “Though I did leave briefly to use the bathroom… I couldn’t have killed Rantaro!”

I appreciate how this time around Tsumugi is at least not trying to argue that the reason she couldn’t have killed Rantaro is because she couldn’t have been in disguise and that’s the only way she could possibly ever kill someone. The less said about that stupid argument, the better.

Shuichi: (… There’s clearly something wrong here… If someone killed Rantaro… It could only be them!)

Seems like this here is the moment Shuichi finally realises exactly which of his friends was never really his friend and was putting them all through hell. To be fair to him, Kaede’s case was a couple of weeks ago and a lot has happened since then, so he may well have forgotten that Tsumugi went to the bathroom until now. First-time-me remembered this detail, but that might partly be because I binged the whole game in a very short space of time, meaning case 1 was only like two days ago for me.

Himiko: “… Tsumugi… is this true?”

Aww, Himiko’s making one of her sad faces that we haven’t really seen much of since after Angie and Tenko died. It seems she really did consider Tsumugi a friend, and she said she didn’t want to lose any more friends!

Monotaro: “Please! Please let us win! We don’t wanna die!”

…I actually do feel kind of sorry for the Monokubs here in their second Rebuttal Showdown. They may have been created to have incredibly irritating flat personalities… but even so, they’re still alive, and right now they’re terrified of being killed on a whim by their tyrannical father and have absolutely no control over anything.

Shuichi: “Monokuma and the mastermind are the bad guys here. You don’t want to die? Do you know how many of my friends were sacrificed!?”

Still, Shuichi has every right to not have the energy to care about these so-called-comic-relief idiots when they’re in league with the ones who’ve been killing so many of his friends. I love the emotion he gets across here. He is so done with losing his friends.

Shuichi: (The evidence that points to Tsumugi being the mastermind… I didn’t notice it at the time, but now I know for sure!)

It’s pretty impressive that Shuichi can remember the exact wording of that “birth” conversation to pick up on the suspicious part, given that at the time he had no reason to suspect Tsumugi in particular.

Tsumugi: “Ah! But Keebo wasn’t there, was he!?”

Keebo: “R-Right… Because I was fighting the Exisals.”

Tsumugi: “Did you hear that!? Keebo didn’t try giving Motherkuma a command! So the real mastermind is—”

Tsumugi, you are just making yourself look waaaaay more guilty with your desperation to take the suspicion off yourself.

Shuichi: “I… don’t want to believe it either. That one of our friends, the survivors… could do this. That’s why I’m begging, Tsumugi. I’m begging you to refute me. I might be wrong, I… I was wrong before, about Kaede… That’s why I need everyone’s help! I don’t care if my detective work is wrong, I want to hear your argument!”

Shuichi still hates accusing his friends of murder and still has the least faith in his detective skills out of anyone here. This is a much more notable lack of confidence in himself than he’s shown in a long time, though, which might have to do with Kaito not being there any more. While he didn’t seem to need Kaito’s direct support that much towards the end, just knowing that Kaito was there and unflinchingly believed in him made such a huge difference. Shuichi’s trying to turn to everyone else for help now like Kaito told him to, but that’s still not quite as easy as having that one person he’s completely dependent on. (Even though it’s much healthier.)

This is also just a lot harder for Shuichi to accept because there is no good excuse for this. He told himself Gonta’s consciousness had been affected, and he never doubted that Kaito had to have some selfless reason for his actions. But if Tsumugi is the mastermind, then that just means that she was never their friend and was always the one making them suffer, plain and simple, and that’s the worst thing to have to accept.

Maki: “…What’s the matter? You can’t argue back after hearing that?”

Maki, being Maki, seems to be the first one to really accept this truth. She’s got better at having friends, but she’s still well aware that some people can just be really shitty, despite how they might appear on the surface.

(Monosuke gets blown up around about here while trying to protest that they should all just be friends. That’d have been the perfect thing to use Monodam for instead!)

Monokuma: “See? It’s getting exciting. Shuichi is trying to reveal the mastermind… Trying to overcome despair…”

It’s really got nothing to do with overcoming despair. The fact that one of their friends was putting them through this is cause for despair, if anything. I think the phrase you’re looking for is “defeating evil”, Monokuma?

Shuichi: (We have the mastermind cornered, why is Monokuma so calm? He should be feeling cornered as well… Forget it. We’re on the offensive here.)

Geez, Shuichi, stop doing this! The number of times he notes that something seems suspicious, and then goes “no, it’s not important now, gotta focus on the case” when it could in fact be very relevant to the case is incredible. That Ultimate Detective tunnel vision sure is powerful.

Himiko: “Tsumugi… I don’t wanna suspect you… I wanna believe in you. I want the mastermind to be somewhere else like in the previous killing games… So… if you’re really not the mastermind then don’t give up! I’ll cheer you on!”

Aww, Himiko. I like how she’s accepted the possibility that Tsumugi is the mastermind, but she’s still trying to support the hypothetical Tsumugi who is still their friend in case that really is the Tsumugi who exists.

Monokuma: “Hey, Shuichi. Why don’t we look over the case again?”

Shuichi: “What?”

Monokuma: “C’mon, that’s like, your thing. Present the truth and end this.”

It’s kind of remarkable when you think about it that this is Shuichi’s thing, that he just took to doing these Closing Arguments without knowing that that’s what the protagonist in a Danganronpa is supposed to do. Maybe that was also influenced by the Flashback Light that created him.

Monokuma: “Cuz there are people who don’t know what the heck is going on until they get to this part!”

Does the audience even get the comic books? Team Danganronpa would have to prepare those pretty quickly if so. That’d also render all of my comments about things in the comics being Shuichi’s imagination incorrect, so I hope not. Actually, that notion makes it pretty certain that it really is only Shuichi’s imagination – if Team Danganronpa was responsible for the out-of-character evil grins for Kirumi and Gonta, they’d have also had no qualms about doing that for Kaede and Kaito too, but that’s not what we got.

If the audience really probably isn’t seeing the comics, then Shuichi just giving a verbal monologue of what happened can’t really be the best way for them to understand the case.

Please enjoy these newly-non-ambiguous shots of Kaede nervously getting ready to do a murder, and also Kaede horrified upon having done a murder.

This panel does suggest that Tsumugi specifically hit Rantaro with the shot in her hand rather than throwing it from a distance. That should really have got his blood all over her clothes… but then again, if she’d prepared a change of clothes in the hidden room, she could definitely have changed into them in approximately one second thanks to her cosplay powers. Then she could just leave the bloody clothes in the hidden room and quietly dispose of them way after the trial. (You’d think she’d have disposed of Kaede’s shot put ball at the same time as she did that, but.

The Ambiguous Culprit Figure this time has Tsumugi’s glasses… and it really shouldn’t. The only reason it ever had visible items of clothing before was when they were relevant to the case and therefore needed to be shown. Tsumugi’s glasses do not matter.

At least all evil grins on this Ambiguous Culprit Figure are entirely deserved and accurate.

Shuichi: “If I’m wrong… please, refute me. Please tell us you aren’t the mastermind, Tsumugi Shirogane, the Ultimate Cosplayer!”

I like this twist on the usual ending of a Closing Argument. He really wants to be wrong!

Monokuma: “Y-Yes! What a scorching hot twist!”

The apparently plain ordinary girl with barely any notable personality traits, no character arc, and no real narrative reason to still be here if she isn’t the mastermind is the mastermind? Yeah, no, this isn’t actually that big of a deal, Monokuma, you’re overselling yourself.

Also, that one time Tsumugi made a reference to Danganronpa 2 way before the Hope’s Peak Flashback Light probably tipped the in-universe audience off ages ago, you know.

The two remaining kubs try to beg their dad not to blow them up in his excitement, but…

Monokuma: “Basically, your story doesn’t matter! I gotta watch this exciting development!”

Geez, Monokuma, if you’re actually willing to acknowledge that their story doesn’t matter then why did it ever exist in the first place?

Himiko: “Y-You can do it! You can do it, Tsumugi!”

Tsumugi: “E-Even if you cheer me on… It’s not like that! I didn’t do it! It’s plain to see!”

Monokuma: “Fight back, Tsumugi! C’mon! You can do it, you can do it!”

Pfft, Monokuma is parroting Himiko’s words to make her sound more insincere, which is again very Kokichi of him.

(Himiko’s stuttering a little. She’s starting to realise more and more that the Tsumugi she’s trying to cheer on really doesn’t exist, isn’t she.)

Tsumugi: “In the Hope’s Peak killing game and in the Jabberwock Island killing game… Junko Enoshima didn’t participate. She controlled the game from outside. Even if it’s boring or repetitive, she’s always the mastermind, isn’t she!?”

There she goes making another narrative argument again, even if this one is a “the narrative is usually bad in this way so why can’t this be the same” argument. (Also known as the type of narrative argument that made me a lot less sure Kaito was alive in case 5.)

She’s also hinting at the existence of other Danganronpas that they’re not supposed to know about just from the Flashback Light. Twice isn’t precisely “repetitive” and enough to argue that it’ll definitely keep happening forever, is it?

Tsumugi: “Junko Enoshima is…”

Monokuma: “Junko Enoshima is what!? …Okay, time for a commercial break!”

…Do they seriously do these? Maybe the intermissions work for that a little bit, but otherwise, how do they get the characters doing the trial to stop talking about anything important for long enough to have one? Is that what the Monokubs’ pointless conversations have always been there for?

(Since we’re done with the retrial and are about to completely shift topics, this does however happen to be an appropriate moment for me to put a break between posts, so there’s that.)

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#danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #drv3 #ndrv3 #chapter 6 #class trial #commentary

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years ago

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Jac & Savannah

Jac: [Before the parties would have started, aka the getting ready hours] Jac: What's the vibe in University Hall tonight then? Savannah: [a selfie of lowkey everyone getting ready together cos it's all girls] Jac: 👍 Looks like carnage Jac: don't lose your favourite 💄 Savannah: my ears hurt & I can't stop saying Americanisms Jac: 😂 Jac: Glad I'm not seeing you tonight Jac: almost Savannah: will you still love me tomorrow though? Jac: Even if you start saying like, totally and OH MY GOD at the beginning and end of all your sentences Savannah: I already do say OH MY GOD a lot Savannah: it's not very far to fall 😔 Jac: Fallen 👼🏾 Jac: as you missed out on Sinners Savannah: 😢 I'm sure Savannah: except not at all because I had a much better time with my 👼🏻 Jac: If the stories I've seen are anything to go by Jac: missed nothing but potential 💀💀 Jac: Sports people go so hard Savannah: I know Savannah: it's a definite no thank you from me, in like, every possible way Savannah: even if every 🤴🏻🤴🏼🤴🏽🤴🏾🤴🏿 here was there Jac: we're off 🏀⚽🏉🏑🥍🏏 boys for good Savannah: I swear to god, hit me with a 🏑or 🏏 if I consider it however briefly & however intoxicated Jac: make a pact with some OTT American girl tonight Jac: she'll banshee screech and keep 'em well away 'til I can Savannah: I'll just picture my dad's disapproving face Savannah: wait no, actually that would only spur me on Jac: Some of those girls HAVE to be cool Jac: not as cool as me, obviously Jac: but you should have fun with them 🚫 boys allowed Savannah: I don't know what to wear & it's upsetting me greatly Savannah: none of these girls understand that telling me I look amazing in anything/everything hanging up is NOT what I need to hear Savannah: obviously I do, that's why I purchased & packed it Jac: They aren't lying but they aren't being helpful Jac: send me the options Jac: you wanna get the mood right Savannah: can't we just get ready together? I PROMISE I'll shut my door on you as soon as we're done Jac: I don't know if my ❤ can handle that, babe Savannah: okay, I'll shut the door on you at the last possible second Jac: You know exactly how hard I find it saying no to you, don't you? Savannah: but if you want to say no, you can Savannah: I just know that you don't want to Jac: Give me a sec Jac: I'll convince it's the fashion emergency it is Savannah: 😊 Savannah: the real fashion emergency is that nobody is allowed to touch your hair but me Jac: The girl across from me does have full intentions to straighten it so Jac: wish me 🍀 Savannah: 😠 Savannah: she better step back Savannah: what protection is she intending to use? I think not Jac: You're the cutest ever Savannah: You have perfect natural texture, can she not see that? Jac: She must not see me how you do Jac: but I'm okay with that Savannah: Well, I've got my eye on her now Savannah: if Catholic school taught me anything it's that 🙏🏾 doesn't work so I won't be wishing you luck, I'll be taking hair styling action Jac: I thought you were going to say something about it teaching you how to fuck up other girls Jac: but you're much too ladylike and 👼🏾 for that Savannah: Oh honey, I knew how to do that before I got there Jac: Very true Jac: I remember Jac: we were kind of a bit terrible, weren't we? Savannah: I remember us being young & bored Savannah: so maybe we did some terrible things Savannah: but we're trying to do & be better now Jac: Works for me Jac: though I was considerably less bored when you were there Savannah: me too, of course Savannah: & maybe I was still doing terrible things at 18, which is less young, but I was also in Sligo so I feel like allowances have to be made Jac: Boredom increased as well as age Jac: it's allowed Savannah: heartbreak increased too Savannah: I can't be held responsible for what I do when I miss you that much Jac: It's too soon to make the 'and who' joke about your ex but it's something young and bored me would say so, feels right to honour past us by mentioning it Savannah: 😄 Savannah: he honourably gave me all summer to get over him, it's fine Jac: You were with him the whole two years, yeah? Savannah: yes Jac: thought so Jac: I could never stand anyone longer than a few weeks Savannah: I'm not sure I could honestly stand him longer than that Jac: Is it a security thing? Jac: keeping him around, despite that Savannah: If I was a lecture topic that would be one of the bullet points undeniably Jac: 'Course, sorry Jac: it's all the ❤ talk going on Jac: they'll be over it once this week is Savannah: I didn't mean it like that, I mean that like I wish I could pinpoint the exact reason Savannah: but there isn't just one, I guess Jac: It's cool, I also didn't mean to be a downer so we don't need to bulletpoint or pinpoint either Jac: lectures haven't started yet, just excited for that, obviously 🤓 Jac: you're not easy to commit to paper, to logic and rationale Jac: that's why I like you Savannah: you could never be, I'm so happy whenever I'm with you Savannah: & I'm even happier you're so excited because me too, of course Savannah: I know I'm very illogical & irrational, I'm the happiest that you like me in spite of it Jac: 🥰🥰🥰 Jac: Freshers has, obviously, been better than I had imagined it could be Jac: but that's almost entirely because of you Jac: I wanna get going now, with the actual course, what we're here to do Jac: though I want this time to last forever, so, conflicted but Savannah: I've changed my mind, I think I'm the happiest actually that none of these girls can see me 😳 because of you Savannah: I feel the same way though, about all of it Jac: I promise I won't embarrass you in front of your dormies Jac: even though I like it when you 😳 best of all Savannah: You could literally never do that either Savannah: none of them are anything like you to the point that I feel sad for them Savannah: because you're perfect Jac: You're the most incredible person I've ever met Jac: we're special together Savannah: you're special without me Savannah: but I'm not leaving you ever again Jac: I love you so much Savannah: I love you too Jac: [leaving it a long-ish time for them aka 10 minutes or something] Jac: I am free, and omw Savannah: Thank GOD Savannah: I thought you were going to say you weren't coming Jac: No way Jac: my room is on the top floor, so I kept getting stopped on every level 🙄 Savannah: At least I know that girl wouldn't have been able to straighten your hair in that amount of time Jac: unless she was just gonna do the top layer and then I'd look like a 🌲 Jac: but that did not happen, thank GOD Savannah: Don't even Savannah: I would cry Jac: Me too Jac: not that there's anyone I really wanna impress, also don't want or need the potential nicknames that would come from that non-look Savannah: Baby, I would never let anyone tease you, or you leave her with a non look Savannah: I could & would fix it in spite of my overwhelming sadness Jac: Dry those eyes Jac: only ten minutes away and not looking like a shrub Savannah: 🥰 Jac: This walk takes longer going to see you than it does coming back Savannah: I miss you too Jac: 😳 Savannah: that's also how I'll look when you see me like this Jac: Come on Jac: you're perfect Jac: we just need to find an outfit as equally so for tonight Savannah: It's not the outfit, it's my insane nerves Jac: What are you nervous about? Savannah: This isn't like our psych night, you know, what do I have in common with any of these girls? Potentially nothing Savannah: I'm having catholic school flashbacks Jac: I get you Jac: think of it as less about making friends, and more about making decent neighbours Jac: the people on our course, we'll be seeing the full four years, the people in our dorms, it could just be this year, 'cos we'll all move next Jac: don't put too much pressure on yourself Savannah: I don't wanna do it but I can't be the girl who doesn't get involved, that would actually be crazy Savannah: you're right, I know that you're right Jac: I don't either Jac: if it had to compete with a night with you, no chance Jac: we'll give it a solid hour, and if it's truly awful, then we'll just hole ourselves up in one of our rooms and hide Savannah: okay Jac: but it won't be Jac: everyone will love you Savannah: I don't want everyone to love me, just you Jac: then they can admire you respectfully from afar Savannah: 👸🏽 Jac: I hear the American girls are loaded Jac: I bet they have loads of 🔥 makeup and clothes to borrow Savannah: the skincare would make my auntie 😢 Jac: wonder if there's any princesses Savannah: I'll find out Savannah: maybe not tonight but eventually Jac: you won't run away with her Jac: even if the skincare is beyond 💣 Savannah: I'll run away with the skincare Savannah: to you Jac: ❤ Jac: loml Savannah: ☺️ Savannah: It would be SO typical if the loudest brashest girl in this dorm who I already can't stand was royalty of some kind Jac: I think I saw her on my way out yesterday Jac: you'll have to point her out Savannah: You definitely heard her, I swear she's woke me every morning so far Jac: Ugh Jac: need to think of a way to 😶 her Savannah: I will be stealing her skincare because I'm BEYOND sleep deprived Savannah: What did you do when you had to share with Jude? Jac: military grade headphones Jac: but ignoring her makes her 😠 so it was one of the only joys I had too, like Savannah: Then I won't be able to hear all the secrets you spill in your sleep, she's not taking that possible joy from me Jac: 😨 Jac: ?! Savannah: I remember one of the first times I slept over, we had a full conversation because I asked if you were awake and you answered yes & asked me if I was okay, which was so sweet by the way, & I didn't realise that you were actually still asleep until after I'd told you everything Savannah: that's the only reason I'm hoping for secrets 😄 Savannah: you don't ever tell me anything scandalous, you're just an 👼🏻 who always tries to take care of me Jac: I'm glad my subconscious hasn't totally betrayed me Jac: and that it cares as much about you as conscious me does Savannah: your subconscious loves me too, it's the cutest Jac: ☺ Jac: you're very lovable Savannah: The girl we hate has literally just asked me if I'm talking to my boyfriend 🙄 the love of my life, yes, some ridiculous boy from freshers, not even Jac: 100% she thinks she's found a 🤴 and he's a total 🐸 who'll spend the rest of the year ghosting her Savannah: 😄 SO true Jac: Some of the lads on our course are nice and everything Jac: but they all seem like 👶 somehow Savannah: I could not agree more & I've done my time babysitting Jac: Seriously Jac: we've got enough to focus on without mothering some poor homesick boys, no thanks Savannah: Of course she's doing art history, it's clear she intends to focus on cliches Jac: Oh my God Jac: I bet she dresses like a mini Middleton Jac: bless her ❤ Savannah: I won't be borrowing her 💄👚👠👒 Jac: 🤭 Definitely not Jac: Meghan is prettier and much more stylish Savannah: I love her Savannah: no offence but I would have to run away with her if she were here Jac: 😏 I understand Jac: I'll control my 💔 Savannah: not that I could bear to break up her & Harry & their beautiful family unit, however hypothetically Jac: they're adorable Jac: and you don't need to steal anyone else's 🤴 or 👸 Savannah: I really don't Jac: no one wants to be that evil queen stereotype Savannah: that's a reputation that would follow you Jac: came here to escape all of mine, not acquire new ones Jac: new 👎 ones Jac: 👍 ones are welcomed, obviously Savannah: I'll resist the urge to make the obvious unfavourable comparison between an evil queen & my dad's new girlfriend in order to do the same Jac: Does she come as a package deal with ugly stepsisters or are they not that serious yet? Savannah: I don't think he's willing to be that serious Jac: at least you don't have to be either then Savannah: I'm not there, he can't control anything I do anymore Savannah: but he needs to be fair to Sienna Jac: What does she think about it all? Savannah: She says she's happy he's moving on too, because I was leaving & mum's getting better Savannah: like we're in a fairy tale Jac: That's obviously just what she wishes and hopes is true Jac: even if it's not totally, yet Jac: but it's not, not true, right? Jac: Your mum is doing better than she was, yeah Savannah: but we both know better than rock bottom isn't recovered Savannah: I don't want her getting her hopes up too high Jac: Absolutely Jac: that's tough, all you can do is talk to her and tell her that Jac: even if she's not listening, she will be, you know, it'll sink in regardless Savannah: She's BEYOND sick of the sound of my voice, I'm not giving up though Jac: you're such a good sister ❤ Savannah: because I only have one, god knows how you cope Jac: Poorly, I'm sure Savannah: no way! Savannah: you're an incredible sister & best friend Jac: I'm not but Jac: it's complicated Jac: and not important right now Jac: [show up for this outfit emergency sure] Savannah: [we all know how happy she is to see her and how extra she'd be about it as standard so] Jac: [enjoy your moment you're not meant to be having ladies] Savannah: [casually ignoring all the peeps that are everywhere because you've got your bae now] Jac: [we know the vibes, we out here being gay] Savannah: [and drinking 🥂🍾 cos we extra] Jac: [we loving life 'cos we're together we're these bitches but you will be separating ladies] Savannah: [get all your touchy feely flirting in now gal cos yeah she has to leave] Jac: [at least you have the thinly-veiled excuse of needing to dress her] Savannah: [take all the thinly veiled excuses while you can cos we can't avoid the convo forever ladies] Jac: [or can you lmao] Savannah: [lives together for the next decade, gets married and has babies, still hasn't had the convo lol] Jac: [truly, okay, so you gotta go girl, we know what this would've been like, cue dramatic pining] Savannah: [sends her a selfie like 🥺 as soon as she's left basically with the flimsy excuse of the girl they hate being there in the background] Jac: ugh, isn't there some art for her to go appreciate Jac: besides you Savannah: she can appreciate my 😳 if you keep complimenting me like that Jac: you look amazing Jac: everyone is gonna be DYING to talk to you Savannah: thanks to you I do Jac: like you said, you look good in all your clothes, obvs, it was just picking the one for tonight Savannah: but whatever the outfit choice, I'd still be a nervous wreck if you hadn't come over to make me feel better Savannah: you make me feel amazing, that's why I now look it Jac: You return the favour tenfold, trust me Jac: whatever dress I throw on is not even half of it Savannah: 🥰 but I do still want to see what dress you have thrown on Jac: Of course Jac: 🤞 my room hasn't been turned into designated pre-party area or something Savannah: I can remember perfectly well how intimidating you can be if you need to, but I'll try not to as my 😳 didn't subside that long ago & it's honestly so hot all the things that you're capable of Jac: I'm not okay with you being intimidated by me Jac: you're as capable and hot, that's why we're here together Savannah: You don't have to worry because I'm not, I know how kind & sensitive you are too, especially when we are together Savannah: it's one rule for me & another for all the stupid boys we're surrounded by, in my case literally right now, seemingly out of nowhere Jac: Eurgh Jac: at least they're not constantly around your dorm Jac: though most of them have been okay, they are some really annoying ones in JB Savannah: 🙌🏾 🙏🏾 I'm not actually going to announce to my dad that he made one good decision, but between you & me 🙌🏾 🙏🏾 Savannah: consider this your sanctuary whenever you need it, baby girl Jac: He made it for the wrong reasons so he doesn't deserve the round of applause but Jac: ❤ Jac: next year we can get somewhere amazing, and only have over the people we want Savannah: at this point that's literally just Maddie 😄 Jac: Devin is nice, even though she's American Savannah: I don't hold it against Meghan so I'll extend her the same courtesy, I guess Jac: I'd say Nat but I don't know if you'd want her in your house, you know 😏 Savannah: like I wouldn't want her their specifically or she's not house trained in general? Jac: [sends her the butch girl's sinners night socials like see for yourself] Savannah: oh Jac: 😂 Savannah: okay, well I did ask Jac: Yeah Jac: she like, likes me Savannah: of course she does, you're perfect Savannah: she'd have bad taste if she didn't Jac: you knew? Savannah: her aesthetic isn't exactly subtle Jac: That's true Jac: she's alright though, if you get past that Jac: aside from the hitting on you every five seconds thing Savannah: She didn't try & hit on me 😢 Savannah: I knew the ✨ were too much! Jac: Maybe your aesthetic is the opposite of subtle too? Jac: you'd be far more 😢 if Maddie hadn't Savannah: Maddie didn't, she was all over that boy whose name I didn't catch Jac: Awh, baby Savannah: 🥺 Jac: I'll flirt with you, if you're feeling leftout Savannah: you don't like her more than me, do you? Jac: in what world is that even possible Savannah: it's freshers, we're about as far removed from the real world as it's possible to be Jac: I don't like her Jac: you're my best friend ever Savannah: it's okay if you do, but you can't like her more than me Jac: Never Savannah: experimentation is what university is for, everyone knows that, so it's fine Jac: Yeah, it's fine is it? Savannah: of course Savannah: you can like whoever you want Jac: She's not my type so Savannah: Devin then Jac: You're cool with that Jac: like, that's what you want? Savannah: for you to be happy is all I've ever wanted Savannah: why wouldn't I be cool with whoever you date, unless they're horrifically unsuitable, criteria which we can't impose on her simply for being American Jac: Okay Jac: 'course Jac: I'm back, I'll let you party in peace Savannah: you have to show me your outfit first Jac: I'm just gonna chill in what I had on, who cares right Jac: we aren't going anywhere Savannah: I obviously care but sure, you do look beautiful as you are Jac: You know what I mean Jac: no entry requirements Savannah: except 🍾🥂 Jac: so much Jac: the headaches aren't fun Savannah: but everything up to that point always is Savannah: it's going to be so strange not having you here later Jac: I know Jac: we should probably get used to it Savannah: No Savannah: I've just gotten used to having you back Jac: I'm not going anywhere Jac: but you need the legroom, you said Savannah: that's not how you made it sound a literal second ago & you can't leave me, I need you Jac: We'll only share a bed 'til you get a boyfriend Savannah: I'm not getting a boyfriend Savannah: I distinctly recall telling you, I like being single Jac: For now Savannah: Yes, because we're talking about right now Jac: We don't need to talk about this at all Savannah: not if you don't want to Jac: we should be having fun Savannah: stop it Jac: Stop what? Savannah: you've been trying to end this conversation since you got back Jac: Only for you Savannah: that's not true Jac: not just for that Jac: but we should be, you think so too Jac: experimenting, whatever else uni is good for Savannah: I think you should do whatever will make you the happiest Jac: I know, I know Savannah: so okay, if the fun you believe we're meant to be having tonight doesn't include me, I'll talk to you when you've had it, I guess Savannah: I don't want to hold you back or anything Jac: That's not what I mean Savannah: Well, what do you mean? Jac: I don't know Jac: and I don't know what would make me happiest Jac: can that be okay too Savannah: you don't have to have answers for everything all the time, especially not just in order to give to me when I'm being demanding about it Jac: It's fine Savannah: it doesn't have to be, you're allowed to be annoyed at me, even in our honeymoon period Jac: I'm not annoyed at you Savannah: you know what I mean, all your emotions are valid Jac: So are yours Jac: you've been clear what yours are, I haven't Jac: I'm angry at myself, not you Savannah: I don't want that Jac: It's not your fault Savannah: it feels like it is Jac: It really isn't Jac: I'm sorry Savannah: how can I make you feel better? Jac: I'll be fine Savannah: don't say that, let me fix it Jac: You can't change how you feel, and I don't expect you to Savannah: I love you, nothing is ever going to change that Savannah: that's how I feel, you know that Jac: I do know what I want Jac: and I'm not experimenting Jac: alright Jac: that changes everything Savannah: I meant with different people, that's all Savannah: you've said yourself that after a few weeks you lose interest Jac: I've not lost interest in you in two years Savannah: you haven't seen me in two years Jac: Like seeing you is going to make it go away? Savannah: if I can't live up to your romanticised view of me, then yes Jac: I know who you are Savannah: I don't think I really know who I am though Savannah: not after everything Jac: I think that's normal Jac: and I like whoever you are Savannah: if you can throw a 'for now' at me, I can too Jac: That would be convenient Jac: but it never happened before, so I don't see that it will Savannah: this has never happened to me before & yet you still believe I'll choose some boy over you Jac: I've not either Jac: I'm just saying how it was before Savannah: well that isn't a fair comparison Jac: Isn't it? Savannah: No Savannah: I didn't want you to kiss me before but it's all I want now Jac: that's what I want too Savannah: did you get the same message I did about the second year psych house party? Savannah: we could go Jac: Should we? Savannah: we want to join the pysch society, right? At least some of those 2nd years will be part of it Savannah: it's more productive than awkward small talk with these girls in my dorm Savannah: & most importantly, I'll get to see you again, so yes Savannah: I think we should Jac: You're right Jac: we can make these connections any time, this is a too good an opportunity to expand our horizons Savannah: exactly Savannah: though by the time I've walked over to you in these heels you'll have had time to make a million connections within that dorm too Savannah: 😄 Jac: You need to invest in a pair of flats for your bag, seriously Savannah: I've done my time wearing flats & I got rid of that urge, coincidentally, once my insecure boyfriend dumped me Savannah: I need to drink less 🍾🥂 potentially Jac: Okay 😏 but be careful Savannah: You're adorable Jac: I'd rather you didn't fall into the sea, or a golf hole, that's all Savannah: I promise to look where I'm going since you aren't here to look at Jac: Not much to look at currently Jac: I better get changed after-all Savannah: that's not even close to true Savannah: you're beautiful & interesting irrespective of what you're wearing Jac: Now you're being shameless Savannah: I would NEVER Jac: 😂 Savannah: if you make me laugh there's every increased chance I will fall into a ⛳️ Jac: 🤐 Jac: You're shameless in a good way Savannah: Then you won't mind me asking a shameless question, do you think she's going to be there? Jac: Who? Savannah: Natalie, of course Jac: Oh, I dunno Jac: if she knows some older psych kids already, could see it, but otherwise, doubt it Savannah: Hmm Jac: What's hmm? Savannah: I'm just thinking maybe I need to run into her if she's going to be flirting with you whenever you do Jac: So she can flirt with you too Savannah: So she'll stop doing it, I'm not that shameless, thank you Jac: How are you gonna get her to do that? Savannah: I'm sure she will respect that I saw you first Jac: You're so Savannah: it's like beyond terrifying when you don't finish a sentence Jac: it's only 'cos I'm gonna say something so nice it'll scare us both Savannah: I could never be scared of a compliment Jac: Just me, then, make it worse 😋 Savannah: Baby, you don't need to be scared either Jac: But I want you so bad it is Savannah: you aren't going to lose me so it doesn't have to be Jac: I'll try Jac: to believe that, to not be scared Savannah: I'll be here to help you, because nobody can separate us this time except us & that's not something I'm ever going to let happen Jac: Good, as long as that keeps being what we both want, then there's nothing we can't solve Savannah: I believe that Savannah: [probably show up so you can be extra in person gal starting with your 😍 over whatever she's wearing now] Jac: [when you're definitely going in for the kiss right away no pretense] Savannah: [we all know she's about it] Jac: [thank god lmao] Savannah: [don't need a repeat of that runaways moment] Jac: [truly, casually try to calm down with 🍾🥂 now 'cos nearly died] Savannah: [when you're lowkey so into each other that you forget you've got somewhere else to be going] Jac: [already bailed on one idea here ladies] Savannah: [makes me lol like how long did you last at your dorm parties, no time at all] Jac: [literal, and you were just on your phones nearly having an argument so] Savannah: [not that I blame you cos everyone I shared with were dicks and you are only there for the first year which will fly by but the point ladies] Jac: [my poor boo, but we know you ain't making bffs so it matters not] Savannah: [god bless you two because it will be a miracle if you make it to this party with how highkey you are rn] Jac: [how you've only kissed is amiracle] Savannah: [I have the hilarious mental image of them both fixing their makeup and hair like okay we can go & then making out again so they have to redo it and so on for infinity lol] Jac: [rinse and repeat, too real] Savannah: [like what are you putting on and taking off too, very we ain't even gonna make it to this club, Beyonce approves] Jac: [bop and a lifestyle] Savannah: [Savannah already has the biggest lips ever they would be obscene after kissing forever, what a visual] Jac: [someone said she should be cast as Sally from tnbc and I can't unsee lol] Jac: [corpse bride fool] Savannah: [should we let them hook up tonight or wait until tomorrow/ the end of freshers?] Jac: [I say tonight purely so they can be ultra gay at the festival moment tomorrow lol] Savannah: [I agree that's a great idea] Jac: [and we almost had a real convo so it's been amped up here] Savannah: [I know I'm evil but I think their first time should be like a bit awkward because we always let everyone have a swag one and like you can get there ladies but it fits with who Savannah is/ how easily she'd freak out if everything wasn't perfect after all this build up and it works once again for them because their communication and trust levels that neither of them would be like okay well that's NEVER happening again ever] Jac: [that makes sense to me too] Savannah: [like if Sav was freaking out/crying cos she's like this is not going according to plan Jac isn't gonna let her leave, as she said they can work anything out and would once she's calmed down because gal you're clearly into each other, you can do this, just chill] Jac: [we know you can calm her down and as long as it's not like 'I don't wanna do this anymore' she's not gonna freak too so] Savannah: [and we all know when it's swag it'll be swag because she's 100% that straight girl that was like oh yeah it takes me a really long time to have an orgasm which I know is a real thing like Rosie always saying she takes like 45 minutes but in her case it's definitely her boyfriends not doing the most because that was such a thing when I was in that straight girl tumblr tag lol] Jac: [it just makes sense, like we wouldn't know what to do with a penis 'cos we don't have one, you need to learn whereas if you know yourself if you know what I'm saying, gay sex is easier to be good at] Savannah: [she just always puts too much pressure on herself to be A+ at everything immediately so it made sense to me that she would have a me style freak out because she hasn't done loads of nerdy prep for this whereas Jac can just swag it because she's not doing that she's just in her emotions] Jac: [god bless, we just freaking out that she's gonna flip 180 at any minute but not gonna let that stop her obvs] Savannah: [it's fair because we'd all be thinking it] Jac: [hence tryna say it but being crap at doing so] Savannah: [go to the party first though ladies because if this hook up drama happened first you'd never make it] Jac: [yes, go get adopted by some psychology students] Savannah: [love that for you both tbh] Jac: [you'd be thrilled, nerds] Savannah: [even though you're both really distracted by how much you wanna hook up, focus nerds] Jac: [whatever gets you going i guess] Savannah: [is there anything we really want to happen at this party or should we just keep it chill, by which I mean sexual tension off the charts but a good time had by all] Jac: [Hmm, Natalie should not be there 'cos too cool for school but even if she was, bye, do you have any ideas?] Savannah: [I agree they should be the only psychology freshers there because nerds and defs getting adopted] Jac: [agreed, be those hoes we know you are] Savannah: [you've been extra in terms of nearly having a row so of course you gotta be extra the other way and just keep all those makeouts going, JJ would be proud] Jac: [people would be about it like the bitch on the beach 'cos straights are always like OMG YOU'RE SO SWEET AHH so you can lap that up shamelessly like oh yes we are haha] Savannah: [progress is being made tonight honey cos we did that little display for the butch on psych night but you've not actually kissed anywhere but your dorms] Jac: [proud of you gals] Savannah: [considering the awkwardness of a 2 year absence that we started this uni experience with, you're doing amazing gals] Jac: [truly, such a weird situation who knows what any of us would do] Savannah: [if it was me I'd have to just pretend the other person didn't exist for the rest of my life and suffer] Jac: [not I, I would get you] Savannah: [I really hope there's no gross posh boys at this party cos you don't need that any of y'all sweet nerds] Jac: [undoubtedly there is but pretend to be progressive and just silently oggle ty] Savannah: [tah very much lads] Jac: [gotta pretend to be cool even though they are paying you NO attention] Savannah: [nor will they, we're leaving the straightness behind forever] Jac: [that tickled me] Jac: [maybe there was a student teacher there or a real one but not in a creepy way, bit weird but uni is, so maybe they cornered 'em and now have separate meetings with 'em to like, get ahead, idk, nerd shit, so one of them has gone first and then it's like morning, afternoon, time to start getting ready so they've gone back to own dorms] Savannah: [yeah there's loads of potential for what that could be because we know they'd wanna be involved in everything] Jac: [literal like maybe there was two important peeps and they're tackling one each, it don't matter, you will have to part some times and that's all we need] Savannah: [yeah we know what the vibe we're trying to get at here] Savannah: I can't find my [insert obscure makeup routine item/accessory that she simply must have to get ready like okay]! Savannah: today is a trial already honestly Jac: Has Mega not Markle been snooping through your stuff? Jac: I think I saw it in your brown satchel last though, really Jac: What's up, boo? Savannah: I hope not & I instead hope that you're right as you usually are Savannah: maybe I have champagne brain or something Jac: I've not heard of it being a Thing™ but I still lock my door even when I'm just going to the kitchen 🤷 Jac: we did drink a LOT more at the party Jac: productive though, like we hoped Savannah: as long as I didn't make a TOTAL fool of myself, I'm counting it as a definite success Jac: Not even Jac: you were perfect Jac: we weren't that level of drunk or we would have KNOWN not to approach the editor of the magazine Savannah: I don't know how you always manage to put me instantly at ease, except of course that you're actually the level of perfect that you're trying to portray me as right now Jac: You deserve to be Jac: no one else works as hard as you Jac: you need to take the time and headspace to enjoy the spoils of Savannah: literally god knows when but I'll try Jac: tonight will be a good place to start Jac: the expectation is nothing but to dance and have fun Jac: in something as colourful and ✨ as possible Savannah: 😊 Savannah: I do understand why the majority of freshers are claiming it to be the highlight before its even happened Jac: it'll be mine to see how beautiful you'll be Savannah: you're this smooth, this early, after that much 🍾🥂? Okay then, wow Savannah: the pressure is back on Jac: Not even Jac: you make me feel the cheesiest Savannah: you're not though, trust me, because my ex was & you're so far from Savannah: his everything basically Jac: I'll take it as the compliment it undoubtedly is Jac: have you found your [thing]? Jac: I can go into town and check if they have some, though the chances are slim Savannah: you have to because I can only be so complimentary & remain productive when I already miss you this much Savannah: yes! You were so right about where it was, of course Jac: I miss you more Savannah: that's impossible & I refuse to acknowledge it Jac: you'll have to when I show you later Savannah: oh Savannah: well now I'm unfocused Jac: Are we mad about that or no? Savannah: frustration does come into it, anger doesn't Jac: You're so cute Jac: tell me how I can help Savannah: you are helping Jac: more Jac: I wanna help more Savannah: No, because I can't demand that you come here any time I want you to Savannah: even if I really want you to Jac: it'd be hot if you did Jac: demand away Jac: though I really do need to go into town, stock up on some essentials Savannah: I'm trying to be 👼🏾 Savannah: but you & the lord are testing me Jac: You're very good Jac: that's the problem Jac: I never want to leave you, or do anything but be with you, properly Savannah: 🥺🥺🥺 Savannah: you're going to make me cry or run towards you or something else as dramatic Jac: I can handle dramatic Jac: prefer the term passionate though, suits you better Savannah: you think you can Jac: prove me wrong Jac: try to, anyway Savannah: stop trying to tempt me, you'll never get to town if I do Jac: Okay, okay 👼🏻 Jac: just making sure you're the most excited you can be to see me later Savannah: you're making sure I need to see you now Jac: Maybe Savannah: it's not a maybe for me Jac: Promise? Savannah: yes Jac: 🥰 Jac: I don't know what to say but that Savannah: you don't have to say anything, just come & see me before you go Jac: alright Jac: hold on Savannah: 😊 Jac: I know you look much cuter than that emoji rn Savannah: [a selfie because of course she looks effortlessly 💣] Jac: oh Savannah: Now you know exactly how I look Jac: now I need to 🏃 Savannah: I wouldn't be mad about it Savannah: I am waiting for you, after all Jac: You reckon you've been patient enough, yeah? Savannah: don't you think so? Jac: You've not wanted to kiss me for as long as I've wanted to kiss you Savannah: I know Jac: so, you can wait a little bit and I won't feel too bad Jac: even if you 🥺 Savannah: I don't want you to feel bad, you know that's the opposite of how I want to make you feel Savannah: for a really long time Savannah: but if you want to make me wait instead, you can Savannah: I won't 🥺 Jac: Savannah Savannah: ? Jac: Do you know how good it feels to hear you say all that Savannah: I may not have waited as long as you but I still feel good right now knowing that this is something that's finally happening Jac: I want you to feel good Jac: and happy and safe and Jac: only good things Savannah: that's all I want for both of us Jac: you make me happy Savannah: I hope so because you did & do make me the happiest I've ever been Jac: then it's settled Savannah: that you're running here? Okay Jac: That, Jac: and the fact we're going to keep doing everything we can to make each other happy Savannah: 😄 Of course Savannah: I knew that's what you actually meant but it'll make me really happy to have you here Jac: I'm looking forward to feeling that Savannah: you won't have to leave too soon, will you? Jac: Nah Jac: we've got time Jac: you're my priority right now Savannah: that's a relief because you're everything to me Savannah: & if I have to make time by following you into town & every shop, then I will Savannah: but you might want more privacy than that Jac: there's no maybe that I want to be alone with you right now Savannah: that's another relief, I don't think I'm ready to be that shameless Savannah: it's a very small town Jac: 😂 Jac: you never have to be that shameless Jac: I only wanna do what makes you happy Savannah: please remind me of that when lectures start & you're the only thing I can think about because I feel like the urge to be shameless won't be as easy to ignore then Jac: I'll help you study if you help me Jac: you were always distractingly beautiful, we were still the perfect team Savannah: so were you, I know you think I wasn't looking, that I didn't want to, but that just isn't true Jac: I know there were Jac: moments Jac: it was just not knowing if they were the same moments for you as they were for me Savannah: as soon I met you I felt like I didn't know anything any more, not to be the level of sure that I thought I needed everything to stay at for my life to make sense Savannah: I was a mess, there's a high probability that I still am Jac: I didn't mean to do that to you Jac: I know you aren't asking for an apology for it or anything Jac: it was the same for me in that I'd not felt that before either Savannah: you didn't do anything, it was my own feelings that turned my world upside down & my own fault that instead of trying to actually deal with it, I decided to fill my world with loads of other things, as if that would force it into being the right way up again Savannah: of course it didn't Jac: I'm not about to blame mine on you either Jac: though you are the only person, girl or boy, that I've been this attracted to, I only mean that as a positive Jac: it was a mess of a time, and there's lots of it I do regret and have learned from, and continue to learn from, hopefully, but I don't regret it all, and don't think we should Savannah: I could never take you saying or feeling that for me as a negative Savannah: & yes, I agree, though I don't think I've done nearly as much learning or growing in these two years as I should've Savannah: which is why I don't want to be a distraction for you, despite the fact that this situation couldn't be more different than anything that happened in Sligo Jac: Me either, I didn't turn into or saint myself in your absence Jac: in certain ways, I got worse, honestly Jac: ways I still haven't dealt with Jac: but you could never be a distraction in the way those things and people were for you Jac: you make me better Jac: I know there were instances where we made each other worse Jac: but is it giving us too much credit to say that was more, the upsidedownness of how our feelings made our lives feel, rather than us being together? Savannah: I guess that the only way we can truly take that credit by earning it now, in being together & doing better Savannah: because our lives are still going to be upside down here, sometimes & maybe even often to start with Jac: I can acknowledge that my life isn't upside down because of this, us, you Jac: not dealing with it, facing it, that was a big part Jac: not all of it, our lives are big and complex and messy, regardless Jac: but denying who I am, what I want, well, it didn't even feel like my life Savannah: if only the guilt I feel began & ended with you, I know I can do things to heal that Savannah: this relationship is the most well functioning one I have, including the relationship I have with myself Jac: I really know what you mean Jac: I've barely communicated with my family since Jac: and even before that, I was never great at it Savannah: I literally have no room to judge, you know the state that my family has been and is currently in Jac: and there are relationships, guilt, I personally feel I'll never be able to erase Jac: it's fitting punishment but still Jac: the only comfort is that Isabelle is doing fine despite it all, despite what I feel I had a massive hand in, even if I didn't do it myself, or know it would be done Savannah: ^^ Savannah: & there's a degree of comfort in all our siblings clearly coping better than us Savannah: not that it would be very difficult to raise the bar there Jac: Seriously Jac: I mean, I try to take comfort in it Jac: not just feel jealous and bitter, not a good look, I know Savannah: me too, even though it also makes my heart sink how my sister viewed me & how far from the truth it was Jac: You didn't just put up the front for yourself, you were protecting her from knowing how you really felt, when there was already so much for her to cope with, even if she did well Jac: which is far better than what I did, not that it's a competition or I'm trying to tell you you did perfectly Savannah: but now that's a dialogue I can never open back up because I was lying Savannah: she can never know that when it's exactly what both our parents did Jac: Never say never Jac: beyond that aphorism, I doubt you know everything about her thoughts and feelings, it's normal to have that barrier at the time Jac: things are easier to discuss after the fact, when you've both got a degree more clarity, removed from the !!! of things when they're happening Jac: as much of a hypocrite as that makes me to say, because I've started no such conversations myself Jac: but Sienna adores you as much as you her, and not because she thinks you're perfect, but because you're her big sister Savannah: we definitely both know that better than most, there's reasons why I deleted every conversation I began with you then & I'm not censoring myself now Savannah: don't worry, I'm not going to insist you have a heart to heart with Jude or any of the others Jac: ^^ Jac: The amount of times I went to say, everything I could possibly say, pour my heart out to you, that that felt like exactly the right thing to do Jac: then had to go distract myself with whatever wrong thing Jac: I have talked to Jesse, a bit Jac: more recently, too Savannah: I'm sorry that the timing was all wrong for me to be able to listen to or express any of it, but I'm ready now, I promise Savannah: for everything you could possibly say Savannah: including that you've told your brother about me Jac: No, it wouldn't have been right to do it that way Jac: like it wasn't right to just, kiss you Jac: it felt it but we weren't ready for any of it, it might seem like I was, just because I knew how I felt about you, but so much else was confused and yeah, it wasn't, I wasn't Jac: you aren't mad? Jac: obviously they've all seen you're here too now Jac: but I've not gone into any kind of meaningful detail with the rest of them Savannah: It's okay, I'm glad you've had someone to talk to Savannah: I know this week has been confusing too, that I must have made it confusing for you Jac: In a good way Jac: obviously, I'm so glad to have you back in my life Jac: I didn't think we'd ever get closure either Jac: and I had more trouble making peace with that than just about anything else Savannah: thank god I didn't go on that gap year Jac: You were thinking about it? Savannah: originally we were going together, Milo & I, so it would've been more of an undertaking to go alone, but I thought you wouldn't want to see me, so Jac: That makes sense Savannah: Putting us in different years was as much distance as I could give you without like uprooting my entire future, it seemed like a good idea Savannah: obviously it therefore stands to reason that my dad said no Jac: Was going to say, surprised your dad agreed to that plan at any point Savannah: he was somewhat distracted by his new girlfriend Jac: Of course Jac: #1 priority 'til you're not Jac: what's Sienna's plan for next year? Savannah: she's struggling to decide which uni she should go to Savannah: maybe she'll take a gap year, that'd be so typical Jac: Yep, Jude and Jameson get away with murder in comparison Savannah: It would unfair even if he was any kind of decent father, but how he believes he can lecture me as things currently are, I have no idea Jac: A lot of people are, not happy to live the mess their life is in, but are happy to be willfully blind to it Jac: it's easier than making changes, especially when you're a part of the problem Savannah: he's called me every day that I've been here, like, we're not bringing this into my new life, thank you Jac: That's too much Jac: designated a day(s) and time and don't answer any other time, he'll have to learn to respect it Savannah: he has literally NO boundaries for someone who shut the door on us & walked away until he was forced to come back in Jac: it's a control thing Jac: but where was his authority when it would have actually benefitted you, re. everything with your mum, why wasn't he laying down the law then? Jac: only when it benefits him and makes him feel better about himself Savannah: exactly, I'm beyond tired of it Savannah: he made those 2 years so much worse than they already would've been Savannah: I'm obviously not going to insist that all the blame for Milo lands squarely on his shoulders but if I had a home that I felt comfortable spending time in, I wouldn't have needed to be at his as often as I was Savannah: which really didn't help me process anything that I should've been Jac: It definitely was a factor Jac: I know how that feels too Jac: not wanting to be home Jac: but not wanting to be out of the house either because that was just as bad in different ways Jac: I see the appeal of having somewhere to be Savannah: I knew you'd understand Savannah: I'm so happy to have you to talk to again Jac: Obviously I don't love that for you, that you had to do that Jac: but I, again, know the feeling Savannah: It's what I've always done, with Ty & you too Savannah: I missed your house the most though, it was my favourite place to land Savannah: even if none of your siblings liked having me there 😄 Jac: Said as if Jude's friends aren't the most annoying people in the world Savannah: there's so many of them Jac: Yeah, she'd invite any old stray home Savannah: that sounds like a caffeine headache to me Savannah: I don't know how she does it Jac: She doesn't do a whole lot of anything else, that's why Savannah: who's she dating? Jac: your guess is as good as mine Savannah: okay, that sounds like an entirely different headache Savannah: at least some things have stayed the same Jac: I wouldn't know, really Jac: it's not like that, me and my siblings Jac: well, it hasn't been Savannah: I'm sorry for how much of that is my fault Savannah: because I hurt you Jac: I'm not going to put all the blame onto your shoulders, either Jac: it isn't Savannah: but I know you & I knew what would happen Savannah: I didn't stop you from shutting down because I wanted everything to stop Savannah: when you kissed me it felt like the world should've, but it didn't Jac: I know Jac: it would've been so much more of a thing for you to go with it, to change what you were, or who you were seen as, at least Savannah: I was so in love with Ty & I wanted it to work so badly but I couldn't do it Savannah: I'd never failed before at something I'd been that determined about Savannah: It sounds so stupid to say at this point Jac: It's not Jac: but you know, I mean, at the risk of making it sound like I thought you were stupid, when it was probably so obvious and you did know Jac: I was trying to get him out the picture Jac: you didn't fail Savannah: if our relationship was strong enough you wouldn't have been able to Savannah: as I said, everything changed when I met you anyway Savannah: he wasn't stupid either Jac: Yeah Jac: as pointless as it is to say how we should've handled it Jac: I want you to know I hold myself accountable for what I clearly shouldn't have done, and you can too Savannah: we all did things that we shouldn't have done Jac: True Savannah: I forgive you and you can forgive yourself too Jac: It's hard, isn't it Jac: not to feel like I was the worst when my intentions are the only ones I can truly know Savannah: yes & I feel it too, all the time Savannah: but I've seen you at what you believe to be your worst & I still love you Jac: I love you too Jac: and forgive you, of course Jac: and anyone else who's forgiveness you need, or you want to be better with, we can work on it together, okay Savannah: okay Savannah: everything happens for a reason, right? I don't want to consider changing it if it means I won't end up here Savannah: painful as things have been & still are Jac: I think so Jac: if I didn't believe in fate before, this would've eradicated any doubt Savannah: tempting as it would be to say that I wish I'd just kissed you back in that hotel room, we might not be here together if I did Savannah: two years is kind of my limit apparently, so far at least 😄 Jac: No pressure, or anything Jac: we have to do at least the four at the same uni so Savannah: okay, you can dump me after that if you insist Jac: It's your turn Jac: and I never would so Savannah: well, I'm never going to leave you Savannah: not again, because technically I already did, which makes it your turn Jac: Okay, looks like we're staying with each other Savannah: if you EVER get here Savannah: I thought you were supposed to be running Jac: You'll have to stop talking, my love 😏 Savannah: you'll have to stop me

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