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captainillogical · 5 years ago

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Devil’s Ballroom Ch.7

A year after the events from the earth’s final attack, Little Homeworld is finally complete, and there’s a new jazz bar where gems and humans mingle and drink. - As you’re typing back a reply, someone pulls the stool out next to you and takes a seat. You see a sliver of pink out of the corner of your eye as you try not to actually Look. Oh god. It’s her. God can’t help us now.

Spinel/Reader

collab with my lovely wife @firstofficertightpants

ya’ll im sorry lmao

You spend the rest of your evening doing exactly none of the errands that you needed to deal with today. Instead, you're laying on your couch and texting your friends.

Y/N: I'm so tornnnn.

Y/N: Do I say something about the cheek smooch?

Y/N: Should I leave it be?

Y/N: Because she's texting like nothing happened.

Y/N: What if I'm reading too much into it??

Y/N: What if that's just how she shows friendship affection???

Y/N: I might make it so fucking awkward if I assume something!

Y/N: This entire ordeal is mortifying!!!

Y/N: I want nothing more than to dig a big hole and lie in it forever.

Y/N: I might be low-key having a panic attack about this rn but what's new.

Harper: Y/N. chill. you're way overreacting to this.

Harper: even if it meant nothing, she still likes you as a friend right?

Harper: i think it would take a lot for her to like.. not wanna stay friends lol.

Alex: im just saying you could probably kiss her and she'd be ok with it

Alex: cheek kisses are pretty forward

Harper: don't listen to him. all of his relationships ended in failure.

Alex: wow

Alex: im seriously hurt

Harper: am I wrong?

Alex: no..

Harper: my point exactly.

Harper: i’m not saying you have nothing to lose or anything.

Harper: because i myself had to tread very carefully with leah..

Harper: but i think you should just see where it goes and not like

Harper: put too much emphasis on this incase it was nothing.

Y/N: Yeah see now you have me worried it WAS nothing!!

Alex: oh my goooooooddddddddddddddd

Alex: the both of you approach women so.. pathetically

Alex: take a risk

Alex: live a little

Alex: what is seriously the worst that could happen

Alex: she kills you??

Alex: lmao

Alex: its funny cuz of.. you know

Harper: i can’t wait to be home and smothering him with a pillow instead of affection.

Y/N: You and me both.

Y/N: Try being the only one available to play games with him.

Alex: both of you fucking love me okay

Alex: alsooooooo i get to be home the day after tomorrow

Alex: the alex is back, babieeeeee

Y/N: Harper please come home I’m BEGGING you.

Harper: sorry you gotta deal with him alone for another month lmao.

Y/N: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Alex: can i get a fucking crumb of love here please

You swipe over to the couple of messages Spinel has left you in the past couple of minutes while you were talking to your friends.

Spinel: It’s another stupid ball, I just found out.

Spinel: I told her that I’m sitting this one out this time.

Spinel: She has so many others that would absolutely love to help her, and yet, still absolutely insists that I must be there.

Spinel: I don’t want to go back to homeworld right now, and not for this.

Y/N: And you put your foot down? Hell yeah, dude.

Y/N: Planning a ball for a bunch of gems sounds like a chore anyway.

Spinel: oh, it is, believe me.

Spinel: And they need everything to be PERFECT.

Spinel: Which isn’t realistic anymore now that they don’t expect any of the gems to stay in line with their gem class nowadays.

Spinel: The last ball they threw almost 4 months ago was utterly chaotic.

Y/N: For thousands of years y'all as a race never pushed to deviate from the norm, and now that you guys are allowed to? I’d go batshit with it too.

Y/N: Being stifled in everyday life, and finally you’re free?

Y/N: Fuck, I’d go around fusing with anyone!

Spinel: That is precisely what too many of them did.

Y/N: Lmao. I wish I could’ve seen that.

You tab back over to your group chat for a moment to see what they’re talking about.

Harper: see? they’re everywhere.

Harper: i wasn’t expecting the campsite to have so many.

Alex: you could have built an army and instead you took pictures

Alex: do you know how easy it is to lure chipmunks?

Alex: oh that lil guy on the bottom right is so fucking chunky i love him

Harper: that’s the one that got the closest when i fed them. :3

Alex: oh i fuckin BET

Alex: you dont get that chubby in the wild without takin a few risks

Alex: if u know what i mean ;)

Harper: i hate whatever you just implied.

Y/N: It’s not a conversation with Alex unless you roll your eyes at least 3 times.

Alex: hey i thought it was 4 times

Alex: dont insult me

Alex: anyway, y/n

Alex: are you workin the day i come back

Y/N: Yeah I’m actually scheduled a double.

Alex: scheduled

Y/N: Yes.

Alex: a double

Y/N: Yes.

Alex: he can’t SCHEDULE you a DOUBLE

Y/N: He can if he asks me ahead of time as a favor.

Alex: that fuckin bastard

Alex: always ruining my plans

Harper: you’re still mad at him for firing you last summer, huh.

Alex: OF COURSE I AM

Y/N: Bro you stole like $300 of cotton candy sugar that summer.

Y/N: It’s only fair.

Y/N: Besides, I’m only doing this because he said he’d give me a long weekend for it.

Alex: kay well

Alex: i guess i’ll just go bug you at work and wait for you to get off that day :'(

Y/N: Get me written up again, I swear to god.

Your phone chimes several times, and you swipe down to see messages from both Spinel and Steven. You check Spinel's first.

Spinel: Do me a favor and ignore any messages Steven has sent you.

Y/N: What are you, my boss?

Spinel: I MEAN IT

You quickly switch over to Steven's texts.

Steven: I was going to ask you if your date with Spinel went okay, but I'm assuming it went fine considering she hasn't really stopped talking about you.

Ohhhh my god, this is wild. You reply to him.

Y/N: It wasn't a date as far as I know.

Y/N: I had fun.

Y/N: She's telling me to not read your messages, lmao.

Y/N: Also what do you mean she hasn't stopped talking about me??

Steven: She’s been lying on my floor for the last hour basically gushing about you.

Steven: But you didn’t hear that from me!

Steven: :D

Y/N: Haha thanks, kid.

You switch back over to text Spinel, and get up off the couch to make yourself some tea. Pulling out your kettle, you turn the stove on and grab some raspberry flavored abomination tea bag that your dad loves more than any of the other good tea flavors.

Y/N: Sooooo.

Spinel: You talked to him, didn’t you.

Y/N: Hahaha noooo. :)

Spinel: The fuck did he say?

Y/N: Absolutely nothing.

Spinel: Seriously? I was sure he’d reveal something embarrassing.

Y/N: Nope! You should probably get off his floor eventually, though.

Your kettle goes off and you grab a clean mug, and pour the boiling water into it along with the tea packet. You look down at your phone, and grin.

Spinel: goddammit.

You let the bag steep for a little bit, and add in a small amount of sugar. Walking up to your bedroom you take a snap of Jellybean half lounging, half falling off the stairs and send it to Spinel. She replies with a couple heart emojis, and you wonder if Steven was the one to show her the proper use of them. You set your cup of tea down on your desk, and turn your computer on. It’s evening now, and it’s much too late to do anything left with the rest of your day productivity-wise, so you settle in on playing more minecraft. Your thoughts wander quite a bit, and you find yourself stuck on thinking about Spinel. Naturally. You wonder about a lot of things she’s learned while staying on earth, from things like - does she pay rent? Does she have a job? Does she know what taxes are? Does she know what a relationship with a human looks like? She said she watched a movie, but didn’t exactly elaborate. You don’t know what human-norms she’s been exposed to. You can’t even concentrate enough to mine any of this redstone for Alex, and you nearly die in-game when the thought of ‘does she know what sex is?’ pops into your mind. You grab your phone and shoot Spinel another message.

Y/N: Quick question.

Y/N: If you don’t mind me asking.

It takes her a few minutes to reply.

Spinel: Sure?

Y/N: Do you know how humans are made?

Spinel: w

Spinel: Yes?

Spinel: Steven told me about it a few weeks ago actually.

Spinel: Why are you asking?

Y/N: No reason! Just curious is all.

Spinel: Hm.

Yeah you’re not too confident that she actually knows, and you’re too chickenshit to elaborate right now. You’ll enlighten her later. You spend the rest of the night browsing memes on your phone, and texting your friends and Spinel on occasion. Before you know it, your eyes drift close with your phone in hand.

You wake up when your alarm goes off for your morning shift, and curse at yourself for not charging it last night. It’s at a solid 32%, which isn’t really enough to go about your day, but you’ll have to make do. You get ready for a hopefully not shitty day, lock up the house, and head in to work.

It’s a complete shitshow when you come in, and you turn your phone off to save battery and concentrate on dealing with more than an average amount of tourists. You find Mr. Smiley sleeping in the breakroom/office/supply closet, and have half a mind to lock him in there from the outside for the rest of your shift. It’s pretty busy, and messy, and it isn’t until you’re there for several exhausting hours that you finally have enough time for a break. You turn your phone on, and instantly you’re flooded with messages from several different people. Ugh.

A couple from your dad - just checking in, really. Group chat too as usual, but none of it seems overly important. One from Spinel, and several from Steven. You open up Spinel’s message first.

Spinel: Do you think we could talk about a couple of things later?

Vague, and a little concerning. You text back an apology for getting back to her so late, and open the messages from Steven.

Steven: Hey are you busy?

Steven: I’m dealing with a bit of a situation right now, and could use your help.

Steven: Spinel locked herself in my bathroom, and she won’t come out.

Steven: She refuses to answer to anyone, and several of us have tried.

Steven: I’m just really worried about her, and you guys seemed to bond, so I was hoping..

Steven: That maybe you could come over?

Steven: Thanks regardless.

You check the timestamp, and that was over an hour ago. Jesus christ.

Y/N: Steven I’m so sorry, my phone was off and I’m at work, give me a few and I’ll be right over, okay?

Y/N: I’ll be quick.

He replies almost immediately with a “please” and you pocket your phone. You try not to worry too hard about Spinel as you rush over to grab your things, and knock on Mr. Smiley’s office/broom closet door. He opens it groggily, clearly just waking up.

“Yeah?” he slowly blinks at you.

“I gotta leave early. Emergency.” You stare at him, trying to not be pissed at his lack of work ethic.

“Are you for real? You’ve got another 3 hours left.” He says and crosses his arms, and you glare at him.

“I’ve been working my ass off while you’ve been sleeping this whole time, AND I’m covering your ass tomorrow so you can go meet your old friend! So the LEAST you can do is let me go early when I have an emergency!!!” You almost yell out at him, and he holds his hands up in defense.

“Okay, okay! Fine. Only because you’re a good worker.” He says, and has the gall to look at least a little ashamed of himself.

“Damn right I am.” You spin around and head out of the building, practically running.

You almost trip and bite it several times on the way over to Steven’s place, but you’re more worried about Spinel. You’ve only been to his place twice, but once you’re there you run up the stairs and open the door without knocking. You’re greeted by the only two people in the living room, Pearl, and Steven.

“Oh, she’s here!” Pearl says and nudges Steven, who looks up from typing on his phone.

“Y/N! Thank god you’re here.” He says with furrowed eyebrows.

“What happened?” You say and shut the door, and cross the room over to him.

“I’m not sure! We were just working on something together for Amethyst, and she got a call from Blue and Yellow. She’s been ignoring them lately, and they’ve been bothering me in turn because of that, so I asked her to take the call just see what they want.” He runs his hand through his brown curls, and just for a moment, you see that 12 year old him in again. The obvious stress masks just how young he really is, and you feel bad that he can’t live life like a normal kid. “She went outside to take the call, and was out there for quite a while. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but I did hear some yelling. And just when I was going over to make sure they were alright, she comes back in tears, eyes spiraling like months ago, and nearly knocks Pearl over rushing into the bathroom.”

“And nothing since?” You inquire, fidgeting with your hands.

“No,” He says, frustratedly. “I’ve been trying to reach the diamonds to see what this is all about, but I’ve only been getting the pearls. I don’t know what to do. She hasn’t been like this in months. What were they talking about to make her this upset?”

“Maybe I can find out. You said she’s in your bathroom?” You raise an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, the one right over here.” He says and points to it.

“Is it locked?” You ask.

“No,” Pearl glances towards the bathroom door and crosses her arms. “The lock has been broken on it for a while, since Peridot joined us actually. Both Garnet and I tried opening it, but I think once Spinel hears someone trying to come in she blocks the door.”

Hm.

“I’m gonna try something, but you guys are gonna wanna stay away.” You say to the two of them. “I don’t want to overwhelm her with more than one person.”

“Let us know if we can do anything?” Steven makes to pass by you and gives your arm a light squeeze. “And thanks for coming to help.”

“Anytime, dude.” You give him a half smile, and walk over to his bathroom. You turn to take a look back at the other two, and they’re already in the kitchen discussing something in soft tones. You move to knock at the door, make two light taps against the frame, and wait for an answer.

A couple seconds pass, and nothing. Not even any movement. Nervously, you knock again, a little louder this time, and wait for a good ten seconds.

Still nothing.

You take a deep breath, reach out to grab the door handle, and very slowly and quietly open the bathroom door. You see nothing but absolute darkness, and step in. You feel around the wall to your right and flip a switch just as you close the door behind you with an audible click. The room instantly floods with the dark red light of the heat lamp, and before you can even think about finding another light source, you find yourself slammed up against the wall and let out a surprised yelp. You open your eyes to see Spinel’s face inches from yours, pupils wild, her hands splayed against your shoulders.

“U-um,” Your voice cracks a little. “Hey.”

You watch her eyes take a second to find yours, and almost instantly, she lets you go, arms trembling.

“W.. what are YOU DOING HERE!?” She cries, large tears pouring down her face, eyebrows raised in confusion, mouth trembling. Her hair is in loose pigtails, strands untamed around her face, cheeks stained with tear tracks. She looks like a mess, and your heart breaks, just a little. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt y-”

“I’m fine.” You cut her off. “I should have said who it was outside the door, I’m sorry. And um.. Steven texted me while I was at work, and told me what was going on so I rushed over..” You trail off as you watch Spinel’s entire body shake, and she covers her face with both of her hands.

“I can’t believe I just did that.” You hear her wavering voice, muffled behind her fists, and she lets out a choked sob. “Maybe they were right. M-maybe I’m not meant to-” She quickly moves her hands down to look at the floor with wide, vulnerable eyes, and struggles to form the rest of her words. You hear her breathing pick up pace, and you’re starting to realize she’s hyperventilating.

“Spinel, look at me.” Her eyes shoot up to yours, lips trembling. “I need you to breathe.” You do what your friends have always done with you, and gently grab both of her hands and hold them with yours, thumbs stroking her palms in slow circles. She freezes up instantly, and you’re about to panic, because while a familiar touch helps ground you, you register that maybe it’ll make it worse for her. But before you can pull your hands away, her hands relax ever so slightly, and she lets out a shaky breath. “Good. Just like that.” You motion for her to follow your breathing inverals, and she copies you, hands still shaking in yours.

It’s been a while since you’ve had to deal with something like this, but you’re thankful for having similar life experiences. After a solid minute or two of this her breathing is back to a normal pace, but she’s still crying, and now not meeting your eyes. Almost like she’s avoiding them.

“Look, I.. I don’t know what happened with you and the diamonds, but you can talk to me about it if you’d like. No pressure, though.” You give her hands a small squeeze, and she whimpers, looking up to meet your gaze. Tears are still actively streaming down her face, and you have no idea how to make any of this better. It physically hurts you to see her like this.

“C-can I not talk about it? I don’t think I’m ready..” She pulls a hand from yours, and wipes at her face. She just kind of smeared half of her face with wetness, and she looks miserable.

“You don’t have to talk about anything, Spinel.” You look at her, making sure she sees it in your eyes. You slowly let go of her other hand, and hold your arms out in a silent question instead. Her mouth opens slightly, the red glow of the light around her making her look extremely vulnerable and soft, and she looks at your open arms with a blank face for a moment before understanding. Almost instantaneously, she throws herself against you and wraps her arms around your shoulders, shoving her face into the cradle of your neck. You envelop your arms around her tightly, giving her sides a squeeze, and you feel her start to shake again.

She lets out an unsteady sigh, and hiccups out another small sob. You pull her to lean fully against you as you stand there, bracing your back against the bathroom door. She lets you maneuver her, and you rest the side of your face against her temple while she cries. You resign yourself to letting her cry on you until she’s done, if she needs to.

You feel her sniffle against your neck, and try not to mind that she’s getting your shirt soaked. You give her back a few gentle rubs, feeling her body quiver against yours as she’s trying to control her choked breathing. You’re not really counting the minutes, as right now you’re currently having way too many rampant thoughts about what the fuck the diamonds could’ve said to her. You’re mad as hell, honestly, and if you could say shit to them, you would in a heartbeat. You don’t want to make anything worse for her though, as much as you want to steal her phone and video call them to curse them out. It takes a few more minutes, but eventually her crying dies down, and you feel her breathing even out. Slowly, she dislodges her arms from twisting around you two, and you feel a sigh, her breath hot against your neck. You do your best to school your facial expression as you’re realize just how close you are to her, and she pulls her face from its resting position to look at you. She looks awful.

“U-um,” She lifts up her hand to attempt to wipe her face, failing to rub half the tears away. “I don’t really want to go out there yet..”

“You don’t have to.” You say, quietly. “I can leave if you’d like some quiet to yourself.” Her face looks panicked for a second, and she grabs your wrist.

“Please don’t leave me.” She says, voice wavering again. You try not to let your heart shatter at her tone.

“I won’t if you want me here.” You say, and sigh softly. “Here, hold on a second.”

She lets your wrist go as you move slightly over to the sink, turn the hot water on, and grab a clean hand towel from the counter. You soak it in water, and squeeze out all the excess. Towel in hand, you turn back to her, and she’s looking at you cautiously. You lift the towel slightly, motioning to her face.

“May I?” You ask, and she nods slightly.

Tenderly, you brush a couple strands of hair away from her face, grasp her chin with your left hand and pull her forward, gently pressing the towel to her cheek. She closes her eyes, and her shoulders sag a little as she lets you dab at her face, cleaning her of any tear stain marks. She sighs into your touch, and it strikes you that it would be so easy to just.. lean in and kiss her.

Your brain almost short circuits and you snap your thoughts back to reality. There’s a time and place for everything. This is not the time, nor the place.

Once you’re satisfied that she looks a lot better than before, you pull your hands away to toss the rag in the sink, and Spinel, for a brief moment, looks disappointed that you had stopped. Which.. kind of gives you an idea.

“Can I try something? Harper used to do this thing with me when I.. had similar breakdowns.” You ask her. She raises her eyebrow in response, clearly exhausted from crying so much. “Here.” You say, and take her hand and lead her over to the rim of the bathtub. You sit down on the edge, and motion for her to sit in front of you on the floor. She takes a seat in front of you, still confused, but obeys nonetheless. “Can I touch you?” You ask her, watching her face to make sure she’s alright.

She looks up at you, the red light in the room flooding the entirety of her face, making her hair darker, and the whites of her eyes a bit more dramatic.

“Yeah.” She says in reply, voice tired.

You reach out to her hair, and stop for a moment.

“Can I have you face the other direction, actually? Come over here.” You move to open your knees, making enough room for Spinel to turn around and lean against the bathtub. She’s close to you again.

“What are you..” She trails off as you start to take the hair ties out of her pigtails, one after the other. It takes a second, as it’s a bit tangled, but you manage to get both out, and let her hair fall down. You comb out her hair with your fingers, gently, and she sighs audibly while leaning into your touch. You run your short nails along her scalp, scratching and massaging as you smooth out her hair, attempting to pull all the tangles out.

“Touch used to calm me down, and Harper was really good at it, honestly.” You say while pulling out a particularly difficult tangle without hurting her. Her hair is long like this, and you like it. You wish you could grow your hair this long, but it’s kind of a pain to deal with, and the longest you’ve ever had yours wasn’t even to your mid back, you think to yourself. “Sometimes she’d give me shoulder and neck massages, but I preferred that she’d just play with my hair. There’s just something different about another person touching your hair.”

“I kind of get what you mean.” She says, tiredly.

“Can I braid your hair?” You lean closer to look at her face.

“Do what you want.” She says, looking fairly relaxed.

“Cool. Anyway, while Harper was good at that, Alex, on the other hand, was just terrible at any kind of physical comfort. He’s genuine, and he tries, but he’s an idiot. He’s a lot better at distractions, for the most part.” You run your fingers through her hair one more time, before starting to separate her hair into three parts for a french braid. “He’s funny, and comes from a large family, so he always has stories and jokes. Whenever I’d have a panic attack, those two were always so good about being there for me. I don’t know what I’d do without them.”

You notice that Spinel‘s shoulders have lost most of the tension in them, and you’re secretly relieved. You keep talking to fill the quietness around you two, because you’ve always hated the quiet during moments like these. Your friends aren’t here, so it’s up to you to make up for it.

“It was kind of hard, at first though,” You say, and start looping the chunks of hair around your fingers, starting at the top of her head. “Because for a while there, back when I was 16 and dealing with the worst of my abandonment issues, I clung onto Harper like a baby koala. I had this super weird crush on her even though we had been friends since we were practically babies. I think I idolized her because she was just.. good to me.” You accidentally tug a little too hard on a strand of hair, wince and utter an apology while massaging the spot on her scalp. “I’m glad that didn’t ruin our friendship, but for a while there I really pushed my feelings onto her, which was kinda fucked up on my part.”

“Hm..” Spinel mumbles. “I kind of had a thing for Pink, I think. Which ended up screwing with me even more after what she did.” You stare at the back of her head and pause your hands for a second. Huh. Yeah, you had a hunch.

“If she were still alive, I’d punch her in the face for you, I hope you know.” You state, in full seriousness. This gets the first chuckle that you’ve heard from her today, and you’re secretly overjoyed.

“I’d pay to watch that.” She says, and you laugh out loud. You see her smile, just barely.

“So,” You continue, with both your hands and conversation. “A week or so after my 17th birthday, right after Harper talked to me about this guy at school that she liked, I confess to her. And not like a, ‘oh hey, you’re my best friend and I really like you’ kind of way, either. It was more like a, ‘have a mental breakdown over your best friend liking someone else and make them feel like shit about it on your walk home from school’ kind of confession.” Your hands reach the nape of her neck now, braid mostly done on her head, but you’ve got around another 20 inches of length before being finished.

“Harper avoided me for nearly a week after that. I was absolutely pathetic, and inconsolable. Alex was fed up with my shit after a few days, and nearly slapped me over it. He would’ve been in the right, doing so, honestly. I was a selfish asshole who only thought about her own feelings, and not about her best friends.” Your eyes drift to Spinel’s face, and her eyes are closed, eyebrows unfurrowed.

“Anyway,” You’re nearly done with the entire braid now. “She did end up forgiving me. Thankfully. I don’t know what I’d do if it were my fault that I’d split up our friend group.” You pick up the discarded hair tie from earlier, and tie it around the end of the braid.

“I’m all done, by the way.” You say to her. She opens her eyes tentatively, and she looks sleepy. You stand up, and stretch your back. She also gets up on wobbly legs, and turns to look at you.

“Um.” She’s avoiding your eyes. “Thank you. For this.” She’s twisting her hands together, nervously. You lean your face closer to get at eye-level with her.

“Anytime.. and for the record, you look really cute in a braid.” You say and smile, giving her a cheeky wink. You watch her entire face from the neck up turn bright red, and think that you could probably do this forever, and never get tired. She gives you a noncommittal grunt, halfheartedly smacks your arm and you grin at her.

You hear a quiet knock at the door, and look over to Spinel. She shrugs, so I guess it’s okay now.

“You can come in!” You say to the door. It opens slowly, and you see Steven peek his head in.

“Um.. are we okay?” He asks, clearly very worried about her.

“I’ll be okay.” She says, and you think that maybe she should lay down and sleep. You verbalize this immediately.

“Spinel. I think you should go take a nap.” You look at her, and she blinks at you. “I’m serious.”

“She’s kind of right.” Steven says in agreement with you. Spinel gives the both of you a shrug, and even that seems like it’s taking a lot out of her.

“Okay.” She says, and turns to walk out of the bathroom. Steven opens the door wider, and you can see Pearl in the kitchen leaning against the counter, trying to not seem like she’s intently watching all of you.

Spinel makes her way over to the couch and takes a seat, sitting up rigidly. You walk over to her to make sure she’s okay before you leave for home.

“You know you can text me, right? And if you need me, I’ll be available. I’ll leave my volume turned on.” She gives you a nod. “Oh, and.. take this,” You say, and pull off the pullover hoodie you’re wearing right now, and hand it over to her. “Alex used to let me wear his oversized sweaters, and they used to help me sleep, so..”

She tentatively reaches out, and takes it from your hands.

“Thanks.” She says, and gives you a small smile. With her hair pulled back like this she almost looks human, for a fleeting moment. You sometimes forget she’s a gem. You return the smile back at her, and turn around to leave.

After grabbing your bag that you set down earlier from beside the couch, you head over to the front door and open it. Shouldering the bag, you start to shut the door and see Steven behind you. He closes the door behind him, his face searching yours for something you don’t quite know.

“I don’t know what you did, but thank you.” He says, completely genuine.

“You don’t have to thank me. I’d do it for you, too, you know.” You say to him, and he smiles.

“That’s why I like you, Y/N. You’re sweet.”

“Yeahhhh, don’t tell anyone, though. You’ll ruin my reputation.” You smirk, giving him the side-eye. He laughs and pats your back.

“Ohhhhhh no! Whatever will you do!?” He rolls his eyes in jest. “Get home safe, okay?”

“No promises.” You reply, and jump down his steps, two at a time.

It doesn’t take you long to get home, and you’re pretty tired yourself. You make yourself busy by preparing dinner, cleaning the kitchen a little, and calling your dad for another check-in. Before you know it, it’s nearly 11, and you need to sleep for your double shift tomorrow that you almost forgot about. You’re laying in bed browsing social media before drifting off, and you receive a text from Spinel. You swipe down and open the message.

Spinel: Thanks again for today.

Spinel: I baked some new cookies with Steven, and would like to give you some tomorrow if that’s okay?

You smile to yourself. Ughhhhhhhh, you’re catching the feelings disease, and you swat the air around you like it somehow physically manifested around you.

Y/N: I work literally all day, but feel free to stop by and give them to me.

Y/N: Then I get to see a pretty familiar face to break up all the lame tourists.

Y/N: Cuz that sounds super nice. ;)

Spinel: I’ll see you tomorrow, then.

She didn’t react to your obvious teasing, but you won’t let that discourage you. You fall asleep thinking of the many different ways you can poke fun at her, and this time, you charge your phone.

You wake up the next morning feeling well-rested for once, and get ready for work. Alex has sent you a couple texts about when his flight will arrive, and when he’ll roughly come to meet you. Sometime around 4pm, apparently. You shoot Spinel a good morning text, and she replies almost instantly with the same, which makes you smile.

You head to work, texting your group chat about what happened yesterday with Spinel, and give them basically all the details. Alex makes fun of you for a bit, so you curse him out and pocket your phone as you clock in. Today’s going to suck, but you’ve got a few things to look forward to.

You make it a couple hours into your shift before you finally get a break, and Spinel texts you that she’ll drop by sometime in the afternoon once she’s done helping Bismuth with something. God you hope it’s not when Alex gets here, because you are so not fucking ready for that interaction. You eat your lunch and pray to any god out there that you could have one more day of peace.

You’re outside the main building repairing a couple parts on the carousel, ignoring the bulk of the tourists to focus on work. You don’t realize that quite a while has passed by, because someone walks up to you as you’ve got your head in a small door, and kicks you slightly on your ass. You jolt and bump your head against the opening, and you hear Alex burst out into laughter as you groan in pain.

God fucking dammit, this guy. You pull your head out to glare at him, screwdriver pointing at him threateningly.

“Do you want this up your ass? Because I can do that.” You say to him, and he laughs even harder. You roll your eyes at him.

“Don’t promise me with a good time, Y/N.” He says, and you stand up to smack him.

“I don’t think the pointy end would be a good time, idiot.” You deadpan stare at him. He grins.

“You don’t know what I’m into.” He shrugs, and flips his hair dramatically. You hate that he’s stupid and charming, and you love him so much.

“I know I haven’t seen you in 2 months, but like, I feel like you’ve grown taller?” You stare at him, a little mournfully. You’re the shortest one out of your friends, and you’re of average height. He also seems.. handsomer. You think he definitely got a lot more tan. He’s definitely grown into his looks, his dark curly hair and recently shaved face making him look older than you’re used to.

“I don’t think I did, but I think you’ve grown shorter.” He laughs obnoxiously, and you smack his arm again, which makes him laugh harder.

“You’re so mean to me, like all the time. Why do I love you?” You cross your arms and pout, because you know it gets a rise out of him.

“Youuuuuuu knowww, because I’m just so loveable and gorgeous and the smartest one in the group??” He flutters his eyelashes at you like he thinks he’s cute.

“Wow, you are none of these things.” You reply, smirking at him. He puts his hand over his heart in mock offense.

“Y/N, I’m offended. I’ve been here for like, five minutes, and I’ve received absolutely no affection from you. If I don’t get love, I will wilt and die. Do you want to be responsible for my death?” He opens his arms wide, and you roll your eyes dramatically, and stand there.

“We’re not doing this in public.” You say, standing your ground.

“Ohhh, YES we are, Y/N.” He wiggles his eyebrows. “Prepare yourself for the onslaught.”

You take a couple steps back, prepared to run. He grabs your arms, wraps his around your torso, and picks you up, swinging you around.

“Nooooooooooooooooo!!” You cry. “Put me down you oaf!”

“No! I want love!” He all but shouts, and spins you around. He grabs your cheek with one hand and starts giving you big ‘ol smooches all over your face, and you’re giggling and trying to push him away, when you hear something drop and spill on the pavement a good twenty feet from you. You look up.

It’s Spinel.

Her face is twisted with heartbreak, and before you can even speak up, she bolts.

You look down, and see the cookies she made you scattered on the ground.

#spinel x reader #spinel #su #steven universe #spinel self insert #fic #my fic #devils ballroom #look. im not sorry yall. i promise next chapter youll get what u want LMFAO

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renewingagain · 3 years ago

Text

sunday 13th february 2022 // 9:17pm

i have crieeddddd so much today and last night when i was out

life is incredibly overwhelming right now and there is a lot going on, february is wild! theres the job stuff, im moving house this month, im turning 24, goshhhhh i cannot deal with this right nowwww

anyway my main reason for crying yesterday was because of alex. ugh it sounds so like annoying and he didnt even do anything

it makes me so sad that we can't and don't have sex, i think i may be really insecure (thats how i feel right now anyway) i cant fully understand how i feel

but the constant reminders of him having such a rich sexual past and having had sex with a lot of people and not me, really hurts

it makes me feel undesirable, and i think to be honest i still don't really understand it. and im sorry that i dont understand it and wish i could

but i dont get how he had sex all these times over all these years, and its now that he just suddenly doesn't want to. now i understand that this has come on as a result of sobriety, but i still just don't get it. i dont understand it

and it really hurts when i just get reminded of his previous sex life in any way, its like a gut punch because we're not doing it and other boys have got to explore my boyfriend in a way that i've never been able to. i feel lame and i feel like a mug

and i also feel insecure, because then i just feel very unsexy. and i know its not the case that alex doesn't find me sexy, i know he does, but my mind still cant help but go there

and then like last night for example where i met a guy that hes shagged before, i compare myself to them because idk he was like a pretty boy and then i think oh am i not pretty enough

and then its like almost embarrassing? knowing that other people have got to explore my boy like that and i havent been able to. it really sucks and its kinda fucking with me a bit

why doesnt he want to have sex with me? why doesnt he want to fuck me?

i dunno

if it was like always the case that alex never really enjoyed sex or whatever his whole life then thats fine - thats different

but its the fact that he has done it his whole life, and then suddenly as we start dating he doesnt want to anymore. then again, i just think, does he just not find me sexy? does he just like my company and thats it?

idgi

and what makes this all so hard is the fact that i love him so much. i am in love with him. im attached to him and i dont want to lose him

i just wish this didnt hurt me so much but it does. but the pain of breaking up would be so hard too. i wouldnt wanna shag anyone at all and it would take forever and a day to get over him

and even with us being open, i dont even want to fuck other guys. i want to fuck him because he's my boyfriend and i love him so fucking much

i've never experienced love before like this. i never knew what it was like to love someone romantically but i do now. and we are such a great couple otherwise, we get on, we are intimate and close and oh so cute

and that makes it hard too because he literally gives me an instant boner when he is near me hahaha

i think its really important that we keep talking about it but he doesn't want to either. he will talk about sex to an extent and then shut down because he is tired or exhausted from it or upset, which is fine and his feelings are obviously completely valid. but then my mind is at constant unrest

i dont know whether to talk to him asap or wait until after i've moved out and had my bday because i dont want that to be ruined lol

i can just see how i feel this week i guess. i want to be with him on my birthday. i love him so much :(

sooo yeah plan 1 is either talk to him ASAP, or plan 2 is to wait and move out and get settled. the original plan tbh was to wait and see how i feel about all over this after moving out, because thats when i can have boys around whenever, i could still do this plan but it just depends on how im feeling

as well as this, i also need help hahahaha

i've fully deeped that my life has just been so traumatic. covid fucked everything, theres been a lot of religious trauma, and i cant process it all

thats a writing for another time i think. but i need to be kind to myself and cut myself some slack, ive really been through a lot and i dont acknowledge that enough

having a chat with georgia today was nice. shes persuaded me to get help , im gonna call the EAP tomorrow and discuss what can be done

anyway, i dont know what to do about alex. i really dont

im in two minds because i really dont want to lose him, my heart hurts just thinking about it. i am truly torn

and i know he loves me and i dont doubt that at all. maybe my head is just going in circles

lets just see how this week goes. take it easy on ones self g, you gotta love yourself

it could be worth talking to matt h maybe, hes such a nice boy and i feel like i can approach him

but is that snaking alex? should i maybe talk to danny mac instead given that he knows we're open?

gah

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ace-on-the-case · 7 years ago

Text

ok so im just ranting here so imma put it under a read more but long story short doctors suck why is everything so complicated

ok so ive been constantly exhausted since i entered high school and i was diagnosed w p bad depression and anxiety so every time i brought it up doctors were like well its probably that but in the last year or so its gotten really really bad and ive been sleeping a ridiculous amount and also falling asleep every time i get in a car, go to a lecture, etc so my mom got really concerned and put her foot down. so i got some meds changed and that didn't help so my doctor did blood work and was like ok its prob narcolepsy but i have to send u to a specialist who was also like ok prob narcolepsy lets get a sleep study to be sure tho. and then i go for the sleep study and they test for literally everything but narcolepsy. so a week later i get the results back and they are like weelllll we didn't find anything so its prob narcolepsy but we didn't test for that so we need to do the study again and???????? i go back to school on the 17th i dont wanna have to deal w this then. its taken all summer to get this far and im just super annoyed bc i need the diagnosis for my insurance to cover my meds and i can't drive the 5 hr drive to school bc i might fall asleep so i dont now how ill get my car over and ugh. ugh. ugh. I dont want to deal with this anymore. im so fucking tired all the time and im really fucking tired of being so unproductive and i just want to get better already. i know thats super unrealistic but fuck. alsfkljkJDFLKJjfdkjdfk’;

#lizardshutup #about me #narcolepsy #depression mention #anxiety mention #if i need to tag something let me know #im dying over here #not really but #this is so anxiety inducing fuck

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wirtdonut · 7 years ago

Note

all the creepy shit, i dare you to answer all of it

MATT PLEASE omg ok

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

idk who I said it to tbh??? probably @trenazlore and YES I LOVE HER SO MUCH !!

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

NO OH MY GOD IM JUST AN OLD GRANDMOTHER

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

always ???? I mean like lately people have been really nice to me and Im happy because wow!! you like me!! also Im aggro because I hate me lol

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Yeah I smile at them all the time?? Its kind of something I got used to after working retail for so long

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

Im not dating anyone lol also who the fuck cares ???

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Heathens by 21p is ALWAYS on the radio and it reminds me of @bearlylocal because Josh Dunn is her boy

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

omg my Yamaguchi Tadashi cosplay shorts and a Celty Sturluson t shirt with the neckline cut lower and the sleeves cut off

8. How often do you listen to music?

Every day but its usually pandora or the radio in the car

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Im not a pants wearing girl but I wear jeans/nicer pants to work

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

TWENTY THIRTEEN

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Social! I used to be antisocial but working in retail has really helped me open up to people and now I wont SHUT. UP

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

Nope

13. What about ‘R’?

No lol

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

NOOOO Scary

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Yeah and no like ???? Ok if I dont know abot it then whatever I guess

16. Are you going out of town soon?

Going up to LA for an anime con in January!!

17. When was the last time you cried?

I almost cried last night for no reason??? um probably a few days or weeks ago???

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah all the time!

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

I would LOVE green eyes omg

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

FATGUM Or Justin Tomimori OR my pet rabbit Quincy

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I bought a vacuum that was too small and now I have to take it back to the store ugh

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

Sure!

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

NO Omg

24. What are you sitting on right now?

my bed which is currently unmade and naked (also theres a bunny in my lap!)

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Kristin and I say it to each other all the time ! Also Danni and most of my other friends

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

YEAh

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

UUUuhhh tumblr user @fatyumm

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Maybe one or two bad ones a year

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

I think I bought it at an anime con?

30. Does anyone hate you?

P sure my two ex besties lol

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

AHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahHH YEAh

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

I love scary movies omg!!! rec me some !

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

No Im too much of a weenie for that

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

GOD

freshman year of college? I would want to never move away fro school tbh

35. Did you have a dream last night?

YEAH it was almost sexy but I kept getting INTERRUPTED

then I had another one with my ex bestie in it

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Last night!

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Doubful

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

At least two tumblr anons I think

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

I hope so!

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

I felt really sick when I first got to work and then later on before bed but other than that it was ok

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

lol no try a whole year back

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

I HOPE The cute sample girl is working at the store Im stationed at tomorrow

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

not that I can think of off the top of my head

44. What’s the best part about school?

NOTHIng

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

So many

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

I DID in like seventh grade lol

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

YEA all the time

48. Were you single over the last summer?

Think so, yeah!

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

nope! I dont go to school anymore and i dont work at a pet store so things are p different

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

fuck idk??? Id LIKE to be writing fic

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

My dad ???? No but he IS a homophobe

52. Are you nice to everyone?

I try really hard to be !

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

YYEeeeaaaa

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Ive done it before and I know I can do it again

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Im SO good at pretending Im not crying

56. Do you think you like someone?

Fatgum

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

NOoooo

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Girls and nb people

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Kristin had to deal with me crying all through the second half of RENT

60. Do you hate anyone?

No one I know personally but I wouldn’t be mad if something really terrible happene dto T/r/ump

61. How’s your heart?

It’s beatin

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

UUUMMM.....I just dont really like talking about what I was like in middle school I guess

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

YEAH64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

the ex besties lol

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

they arent painted at all lol

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

sure hope not!

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

FUck if I know! I mean, I would hate to see the person Im with crying

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

my pants are always falling down because my butt is small

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my mom

70. How do you look right now?

probably.....tired

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

lots of people!

72. Can you commit to one person?

yes!

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

”Opposite” sexes dont exist but I only have one close guy friend and we havent talked in a while but! I feel like I can tell @adol everything

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

lol when your bestie gets a bf

75. Did you wake up cranky?

no, just exhausted

76. Are you a jealous person?

I like to think not

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

I like to think so but....havent really ever experienced one that was

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

HMMMmmmm

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Id kill to see any of my friends rn but they all live far and Im poor lol

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

go to work and sell some Indian food

81. Last person you cried in front of?

honestly, probably Kristin but if we’re counting non humans? my bunnies

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

most of my friends, I HOPE

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

god I hope Fatgum is protective of me

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

I DONT SPEAK JAPANESE so probably just staring at each other awkwardly

(this is about both Fatgum and Justin)

85. Are you over your past?

who knows

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

WHATS AN OPPOSITE SEX LOL and no

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

Kristin!!

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

I mean who says anyone Ive dated in the past has been a “true love” of mine

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

IT WAS LITERALLY A RANDO AT SOME ANIME CON SO GOD NO

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

UUUUUUmmmmmmm.......I dont think my friends or family were ever fond of some of my exes....

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

dang, sure hope so

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Ye, but we dont talk anymore

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nah

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

No, I had just broken up with someone :/

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

IDK if I liked anyone in March??? I dont think I did

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

@hamsa-heart???? YES97. Who do you have texts from?

Kristin, Hazel, my mom, my boss, etc

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

sucks to suck but live your dreams dude

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

YEa

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

I dont think theres anyone else in any of my profile pics

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

GOD I WISH102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

YYEEEAaahhh

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decodervon · 5 years ago

Text

disregard the last post.

i made that with a lot of anger and frustration. weve talked a lot since then and I'm... not that angry anymore. I probably shouldn't even be talking with you, but i hate how much it helped.

i hate curiosity. i always scolded you and warned you about looking for things you might not want to find and i did it. i found something i didn't want to find.

i found out you were casually dating again.

and of course you are. i mean. we "broke up" in September. it's been months. theres no reason to feel shameful or bad. I cant fault you and I cant be mad at you. and I'm still mad about some stuff, but that's not one of them.

this one hurts though. i knew i would feel like this, but i hate how much my mind keeps REMINDING ME. I'll be trying to sleep and my mind is like, "u kno she seeing someone right. they prolly banging. its prolly way better then ur tired ass sex. doesnt have to say weird fetish shit." and its LIKE. OK. I GET IT. STOP. STOP REPEATING OVER AND OVER. DONT WAKE ME UP TO REMIND ME.

i heard about it after I went snooping about your party. people said their was distinct body language and he seems to have a very outgoing personality and seemed really nice. it sounds like exactly what you need and IT KILLS ME.

I HATE I went snooping. OF COURSE this is what i get. we've talked since then and i know you feel confused and scared. best thing I could actually do for you is leave you alone and let you have a real chance at it. maybe it's a rebound. but so were we. my evil, manipulative side knows that you still feel emotionally connected to me due to calling me about Vday stuff. my pragmatic side wants to sort out a deal where i exchange emotional support for physical intimacy because I know we both want those things and know the other can give them. i can listen and talk and care about your problems and you could do whatever weird, gross, aggressive sexual stuff and not judge me (I think.) but my less evil/neutral sides know that that would throw a wrench in both our things and the best thing I can do is stay away.

that being said... I dont want to. it's like doing coke or something. like yeah, it's bad. but like. if no one knows... then maybe it's not THAT bad. like it would detrimental to us if we got together and we argued and fought. that would be unhealthy. but just... secreting away and being physical and keeping it hot and fast.. ugh. I mean. its sorta like all those fantasies you helped me with. except we wouldn't be pretending.

ugh. prolly makes me a horrible person. prolly makes US. I know you kind of want to do the same thing. I tried to cool suggest it, but you're probably conflicted about it too. I want you to just... show up late one night. some random text at like... 11pm being like, "I'm outside. should I leave?" and then I mull it over and invite you in quietly. you're wearing something impossibly hot like you do. we hug and I can tell you want to feel my body because it's been so long. we go back to my room and talk awkwardly for a few minutes. we both mention how you shouldnt be here sheepishly while ignoring the fact neither of us are protesting it very hard. you slide off your coat, looking me in the eye the whole time. that longing, sad look. that look that makes it impossible not to kiss you. I pull away after a minute and say, "this is wrong. we shouldnt be doing this." and you lean in close to my ear and whisper "hes not you." and I instinctually press my body against yours. you nuzzle into my neck as you slide your hands under my shirt, around my waist and up my back. I put my hands on your waist and take a deep breath of the smell of your hair. I say, "i dont want to hurt anyone" you said "I dont care." or more likely "no one has to know"... we appreciate each others bodies like we always should have. I go over every inch of you, knowing I might not see it again. you go over those inches of me like they're an old friend you're excited to see. you say all the terrible things I want you to say and I hurt you like you liked to be hurt. we go on for an hour. i want you to stay but i cant ask. my willpower drained with my stress. you fix yourself and disappear like an uninvited vampire. i cry. a lot. i hold myself and wish it was you. the lifetime of memories creeping back onto me. I hate myself for what I've done, but desperately try and inhale your fading scent still lingering in my bed.

ugh. I'm probably gonna end up writing something hot and complete after sharing that. I hate that I want that so bad. but I shouldnt. I have more to lose in this than you do.

you would hate me if you knew what I had been up to since. one of the other reasons I cant judge you for moving on. I've talked and reached out to many people you arent a fan of. not to spite you, but because those people knew me in intimate ways I can trust. I gained insight from talking to them and meeting with them. but that's not what I'm referring to.

im... also.. casually dating someone. it's still all pretty fledgling, as I am WAY too delicate to dedicate myself to anyone. but its... it's someone you know. some things had been happening that neither of us knew about.. and I dont want to tell you because I feel like I'd be cursing you with the same curse that I have. imaging you with that person, not being able to stop... but I know the curiosity is almost as killer for you. its.. a hard thing to figure out morally. but I dont want to jeopardize it. its... it's a once in a lifetime chance. they care about me.. legitimately. and probably more than they should with how emotionally volatile I am right now. but they dont really know how.. I am. part of me is a sweet, great guy. but another part of me is the type to want to have that night I wrote about. a secret trust where we exhaust each other physical and say all the sick things we want, knowing that the other wont judge them. (hell, anything is better than arguing)

I want to be physically wanted... but I want to be wanted by you. I loved when you would love my body. cause like... in my head, when people say things about loving me, I always diffuse it "oh she just thinks she loves me like that" "oh shes convinced herself she likes that about me" "oh she thinks that's cute now, but give it time..." and its just... innate to my awful self esteem. but body stuff? making out with me? going down on me? holding, examining and loving.. parts of me? it feels so much... truer to me. like someone couldnt lie about that. I know thats... naive to think. but that's how it feels. no one who doesnt like you is gonna put their dick in their mouth. bottom line. or go along with your fantasies that you yourself think are strange to be attracted to. i wanted you to want me so bad. i wanted you to love my body and tell me youd been thinking about it. it's such a direct link to my heart.. ugh. but that.. stuff got all messed up. I think that's what made me fall in love in the first year. you cherished my body. you worshipped it. you wanted to sherk your duties to have more of it and I was totally enthralled. that first year made me stay for so long and through so much. always chasing that high. that time where my body was all you wanted and all i wanted was your heart. and it all got so... nevermind.

the person I'm dating.. we're talking it very slow. ive.. kissed her. in fact, your vday call interrupted that kiss. can you believe that timing? thanks universe. if you're trying to say we should get back together, maybe dont kill a beautiful innocent cat next time. I was mad you wanted me to support you through death.. after you abandoned me when I needed your support so bad. I'm still kinda mad. but whatever. this isnt a mad post.

i.. its. shes.. she lets me talk about you. she knows you. maybe better than I did. its hard.. shes not experienced with.. our type of relationship so much. I try not to put much on her. for the reasons of not wanting to overburden her and to keep from forming an instant bond. I know I still have these raw, visceral feelings for you and I dont want to hurt someone I care about because of them. I dont know how you know your new guy, but my guess is: not very well. maybe it's a tinder date. maybe it's a friend of a friend. but if I had to make an educated guess, it's someone far removed who is just.. treating you well. like how you want to be treated. kind of a nobody, but that's a good thing. like if things kept being nice, cool. if they didnt work, whatever. something noncommittal. something lowkey. something you didnt have to /worry/ about. which is all... smart. but I also know that if you felt like you wanted to drive that shit into a wall, you wouldnt lose a lot of sleep over it. and you considering the tryst.. well. yeah. speaks to that effect. i... I wonder if I should have even suggested its because I can't drive my thing into a wall. its... I cant. youd understand if you knew.

theres probably only one person in your mind you would legitimately fear me dating if you sat down and thought about it. someone that wasn't just someone you didnt want me dating. not like Kayla or Grace where it would just... bug you. I mean deeper. someone that you couldnt wrest me away from. someone that your charms would fall flat because of. I'm talking Caitlyn levels of dedicated affection. and as I said, I dont want to jump in. I know how easily i fall in love. I'm taking this slow. developing a foundation. trying to figure myself. wanting someone to treat me well and watch anime and cartoons with while being warm and laughing. someone to affectionately take care of me. someone who wanted to spend time with me.. someone who's house i could come over to in the daylight.. someone who's friends were excited for her and not judgemental of her..

I get why you're dating. I'm doing the same thing for the same reasons. i need this. you need this. i wanted you to treat me these ways but i couldnt keep.. telling you how to treat me after so many years. you could write a book on me. I STILL know how to take care of you and I mostly figured it out after years. I wanted to see you try and figure me out. you didnt have to be right. I just wanted you to try. I left a breadcrumb on my IG for this story, but I never know when or if you'll ever read these. I always want to hear your feelings too. I wish you wrote like this. I wish I had a direct line to your thoughts like back in the day when you wrote. it always helped. I still check your tumblr from time to time. like the idiot I am.

ugh. like the absolute idiot I am.

(ps. I watch that last video we made like every day.)

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pizzapizzadickz · 3 years ago

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#personal #diary #just...tw for everything. dont bother reading if you dont want.#drugs #suicidal ideation #self harm #disordered eating #ugh. like. its no fun doing anything anymore. well. i guess thats not quite true. my games are quite fun. but like. thats sorta it?#like theyre the only thing i *mostly* dont do obsessivly. like i have so many less rules for those. and its nice.#its really whats been keeping me together.#its like the only thing keeping me together.... because i *want* to do these things. and theyre long. so i cant do something else #i like. have to finish it in a timely order.#its the only reason im not sleeping super weird times anymore. *sigh*#i need to go to a therapist or something for the ocd. but what should i do. like. im having a big mental breakdown and all...#and like. how do i get him to treat me when i just cant anymore. like. im not interested in stupid fucking talk therapy #just tell me how to end these compulsions. this is fucking hell.#i feel like im living in hell.#i keep on getting so fucking stressed out and it just sends me spiralling.#though honestly i dont think ive been okay in a very long time. like. ive been okay i guess.#but like... i dont think an okay person fantasizes about their death or self harm or everything else before sleep every day.#...honeslty thats the only way ive coped.... becasue like. none of these issues have ever gone away for me. not really.#i just sorta. force them under rhe surface. like. i just keep doing the things i should. and i feel better.#but like. i dont feel okay. i dont feel like im living. im just so anxious and tired and in pain all the time.#my life is just so hard sometimes. not that anyone else's isnt. i just. am so tired.#ive been dealing with so much for so long. im exhausted.#and like. it never ends. its never ended. everything just. keeps comimg back. i keep on dealing with new problems all the timw #like. if someone *cough cough* my parents *cough cough* say the wrong thing i just... cant do anything.#if anything from my very scripted routine goes wrong ive never been able to do anythinh #AND ITS SO FRUSTRATING. like. what can i do. how do i do anything. i honestly dont know #i... dont know how to deal with this. i dont know how to talk about this. i dont want to be put into a mental hospital.

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baileythepenguin · 6 years ago

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07/02/19

diary entry two

I know I made my first one yesterday but I wanted to vent again. My dad came home this morning and yelled at me for being rude as of recently to everybody and not taking care of HIS dog. He called my mom to ask how to deal with me and claimed that my mom said to knock me down a few notches and not let me be mean or whatever. I texted my mom after my dad left for work and she said no such things. I have to stay out here at my dads house, frequently occupying the couch because his girlfriends never goes home, and I have to deal with him yelling at me for things that aren’t in my control. I have no idea how I have gone 4 weeks and I don’t know how I’m am going to deal with 2 more. My father claims that even his roommate/ best friend is sick of my attitude when he’s the one actually spending time with me. I have seen my dad so little considering I have lived with him for four weeks.

two hours later, same day

His girlfriend has left the house again and this time left me with her child. She went to a karaoke competition. Before she left she asked me if I think she’d win. Now I'm eft with a predicament. Tell the worst singer I've ever heard that she's gonna win or just be like ehh you'll do great. so I told her she would do great because I couldn’t lie too badly. I am very exhausted even thought I have not done anything today worth being tired over. I talked to my mom earlier, as I said before, because I was having a meltdown because my dad claimed that I wasn’t the same sweet girl he knew and that apparently I use my bipolar disorder as an excuse to be an asshole when I've only used that when explaining to him in a conversation why I'm moody sometimes. 1. I don’t use my bipolar 2 diagnosis as an excuse because why would I. it was some of the worst news I've received in my life, why would I use that to be manipulative. 2. I’m not 12 like he’d like me to be. I am 17 and I finally know how to not deal with peoples bullshit. Im only “rude” to those who disrespect me or a loved one. 3. I am almost an adult and this is one of the last times he will see me before I am 18 which means it will be completely up to me whether I come to see him or not. I would be using this time to help mend the relationship between us that has been breaking over the course of 9 years. He claims our rocky relationship is my fault and that I’m being ungrateful for all the things he's given me. What has he given me you ask? he gives me $50 every couple months, I got my Christmas present in june (but thats okay “because my birthday present was on time”), I can’t trust any promise he makes anymore because they mean nothing to him, and he's given me the gift of life. (that I dont even want). now don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy. I think his first two kids were at a time in his life that he wasn’t ready to be a full adult just yet. He does great with my 2 year old brother now while he’s 45 but when he was 25 and 27 he wasn’t ready to be a dad. Every time I have conversations with him and bring up that I wasn’t allowed to see him till I was 8 was because I had to be able to take care of myself but he’ll say “you don’t even know some of the shit your mom and her family did to me. but I can’t tell him that back then he deserved all the shit he got. The only reason I come out to visit him in California is because it gives me a free trip to California and a chance to visit my sister. If I could go an entire trip without seeing my dad I would. I know that sounds horrible but I honestly don’t know anyone could’ve put up with him for more than a few days. ugh I think I'm done writing for now. Let me know if you would want to be notified when I post because I know this shit gets annoying. I've been having some ideas for one shots maybe and idk if I should try to get into that realm so just have a good say. if you read this you a real one and thank you.

#diary entry #diaryentry #dear diary #deardiary #vent #idk what this is #wtf am I doing #I hope someone reads this #idk what to tag this as #safe place #safeplace

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cheerstocrazy · 7 years ago

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Done Deal

I've been seeing this med student from Michigan who's currently out here for his rotation. I met up with him last Saturday at a bar in Fullerton. Some backstory: matched on Tinder, not a huge fan of him bc he's an essay texter and just terrible texter overall (not my type), and he's not my type physically. But take a chance on the smart ginger. lol. He asked me for tacos but I didn't want to go bc I didn't mentally prepare myself, but we went to the bar instead super late, at 1 am or so. I got a few catcalls, and he was like wow people catcall here so much more than back home. I was like that was nothing, it was only abt 3x, and no one touched me. (Being a female is hard) Afterward, went to get tacos and talked until 3:45 ish?? It was platonic, but we got to talking about our token crazy friends and music festival and finally found some common ground. I could tell he wanted to keep talking to me, but it was kind of late. We parted, and I saw a preview of his text, but I assumed it was a goodnight text. Then when I got home, I saw he asked me if I wanted to drink some modelos at his place. I would've said yes had he just asked me in the parking lot, but nope texted me instead. Anyway he continued to annoy me for days after bc he texts back within a minute. And I was like wtf, you need to calm down a bit. Met up on Wednesday the week after at a bar. Caught some of the World Series game, then he asked me abruptly if I wanted to drink blueberry ales instead. I wasn't sure of the context, but I said sure anyway. Then I realized this was his trick to lure me back to his place, and I didn't wanna do anything sexual bc I was not interested in him, and I didn't want to. So I was freaking out in the rr texting PP asking what to do. I suggested we go to the beach instead bc we couldn't do too much. Drove there and couldn't find parking. I was hoping he wouldn't be able to find it either, so I could just drive home and avoid all this awkwardness that would ensue. Anyway he found parking, I grabbed my blanket bc it was cold. We were walking to the lifeguard tower, and he's like I wish I grabbed my jacket, and I said we could just share the blanket. I wrapped it around him and just left my arm there, which is a very unlinke me move to do. Then I lowered it after I realized my arm would get so tired being in that position. He wrapped his arms around my stomach and love handle. Why do guys like to touch the stomach?? IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE??? I could see that he wanted to kiss me and put his face next to mine, but I always feel so awkward abt that, so I just let it build. I kept looking away from him and stayed quiet. Then I finally turned around to kiss him. Surprisingly he was pretty good at kissing. I tried to go into his pants to give him a hand job, and I squeezed too hard, and he said sorry but that hurts a little. All I could think of in my head was Jenny telling me about something related to being too aggressive with hand jobs. I died and was mortified too. I dont really remember much except he fingered me, said I was a good kisser, said I looked sexy in my black dress, complimented my necklace. After we were all done, he also asked out loud Idky I'm so attracted to girls with long hair, and why guys are in general??? Anyway, it was all very nice, and I thought he was a lovely kisser. Everyone on that beach saw my butthole, I'm sure, but it was so dark, so I guess it's alright. We just laid down and cuddled for a bit after. I felt so comfortable lying with him, which isn't generally what happens with strangers. My neck was gonna get strained bc I was lying on his chest, and it was a little too high. A bit later, I kept seeing a bright light approaching us and it was the cop patrol car coming. So I put the beers on the bottom with my throw on top. Then he's like what do I do with these beers? I said dump it and then held the case up so he could put it in. I said put it to the left, but I forgot we were standing opposite directions, and he was getting super flustered/nervous, so he said aloud, uhhh Idek what I'm doing or where there's even empty space. The patrol car ended up passing us and didn't even see us. We left after that. I said goodbye and he was abt to just walk off without kissing me or anything and so I initiated the kiss and I was on my complete tippy toes and could barely reach him. It was nice.3rd time: He wanted to go out to a place with live music, but I was like but I'd rather watch stranger things....so that happened. Went over, he bought some wine. I honestly should've drank more lol. We watched it and obv the progressive arm over the shoulder and then he put both his arms around me. He complimented my nail polish lol. It was nice to watch something with someone for once. he rested his face on my head, so I felt his scruff. He'd smell me and lightly kiss/bite my ear. He told me my hair smelled so nice, so I said thanks, I didn't even wash it! l o l There was also a scene where the girls check out a guy's ass, and he's like so is that a thing girls being into asses? I was like you're asking someone in the minority, but yes it is a thing. A nice ass is good to have, but I'm pretty indifferent. He replied with "so you're a boobs person" yes. After ep 2 finished, I finally got up to go to the rr and felt a mild buzz at best. Did my round of snapchats, came back, and the room was totally dark. My initial thought was DAMMIT I WANTED ANOTHER EP OF STRANGER THINGS UGH.Well I knew the drill, I sat down to kiss him, then I straddled him. Afterwards, he held me tightly then carried me to his bed and put me down lightly. (I also dr when, but I felt his arms at one point when they were flexed and was like ZAMN lol) He took off my shorts and just went down on me, which felt like an eternity, but I think it was around 20 minutes. Holy shit best 20 minutes of my life for sure. Not sure if I orgasmed or not, but it was literally mind blowing lmao. At one point, I told him to grab my boobs too (and I've never instructed anyone to do anything before hah hah). He went psycho down there. I'm usually pretty quiet when the things happen, and I'll grunt/moan at best, but I was actually cussing out loud and saying his name too, which I normally do not do. It was AMAZINGGGGGGG, he just got more and more intense, it almost became too much for me to handle. I remember him saying "Oh this tastes so damn good". It started to hurt, but it felt so pleasurable too. 10/10, A1, all the accolates for sure. Idek if he ever even went up for air. I would never have expected it from here. For sure, he went down on me like a possessed person. After he finished, I had to return the favor, and ugh I HATE BLOW JOBS LOL. They're exhausting for my mouth.I was so tired of smelling my saliva too, but dick feels/tastes good. I deep throated him a few times, but I didn't want to leave it too long, bc I didn't wanna gag, and he had good dick. haha I got really tired after a certain point, so I just gave him a hand job on my knees, silently praying for him to cum, so I wouldn't have to put his dick back into my mouth. Lmao. He ended up getting on top of me and I could feel his dick touching me and almost inside of me, so I just said do you have a condom? He went to go put it on. Then I don't think he could find it, so I slid it in. It didn't feel astronomically different, it just felt like a different sensation, since it was something new entering me. I was just getting used to it, so I wasn't too into the pleasure of it, though it did feel good. I can't really explain it. It didn't hurt when we were in missionary or doggy style. When we were doing doggy style, he couldn't find it, so I kept putting it in and it'd slip out, then he put it in my butthole, and I was like nope, and he just started laughing bc this had been after multiple tries haha. I put it in correctly, but since we were at different angles, it just wouldn't stay, it slipped once, and my vagina was just clamping around it, and he didn't even realize, so I just let him have a go at it before I told him it was outside lmao. He was grabbing my boobs then too, and he said out loud "God, I love your tits." Then he made me go on top, and I put it in but it hurt so much at that point and he was touching my clit, and it was overwhelming for me, and I didn't even know what to do. I should've went down and used his shoulders as something to hold on and thrust like that instead of riding him like a cowgirl lmao. It hurt, and Idk whether he could sense I didn't like it or that he wanted action, but he turned me over and just did missionary again. He came inside of me and just left his dick inside and kissed me so tenderly. It was so nice. Afterward he pulled out, and we just held each other in a full embrace with our bodies fully intertwined for 2 minutes or so. It was such a nice moment. Post-coital bliss/afterglow IS A VERY REAL THING. I loved it so much. It was such an intimate and personal moment -- possibly one of the most intimate/vulnerable moments ever. Then I said I'mma go use the restroom and attempted to find my clothes in the dark. He went to the restroom first, while Iooked for my shorts. I couldn't find anything else. He turned the lights on, and I was like Im just gonna wear your shirt since I can't find my shirt, so he just stood in front of me as I put his shirt on. I don't mind too much about the boobs. I wore my shorts without underwear, so when I went to the rr, I saw hints of blood on my short bc I was spotting. I was like fuck, I forgot about this. I wore my shorts without underwear, then idk when I went to the rr again to put on my underwear. Afterward, we watched one more ep of Stranger Things, and he just wrapped both his arms around me while I laid my head in the nook of his shoulders. We were exhausted afterwards, honestly I was exhausted during the entire thing and just wanted to sleep.We both crawled into bed and I took inner left, and he just draped his arms and body over me. He knocked out immediately and started snoring into my right ear. I laid there petrified and thinking oh fuck me, I am not going to sleep tonight BC HE SNORES AND I DON'T HAVE EARPLUGS. I could hear the piercing sound of silence so clearly! I was delirious and felt like I was living in a lucid nightmare bc I kept thinking we were inside a restaurant area and there were a bunch of food trucks around like in Austin. I wanted thai food, he was standing next to a bbq stand, and I was like how are they even gonna make food for us at this hour and where would they even make it?? I got up bc I needed to pee and it was 6 am, I stumbled when I got out not realizing how fucking tired I was. When I peed, I looked at the toilet and it was completely bright red. I was like fuck. I came back and he asked me if I threw up. I was like what lol no. I finally was able to sleep on and off after. At one point, he cuddled up to me and he was sleeping in the upper bed with just sheets, then I think he got too cold and migrated to the lower bed with blankets. Also he sleeps on his back, so it's hard for him to cuddle with me and sleep, since I'm a side sleeper haha. Idr most of the morning, but he awoke around 9 ish and I woke up for a bit too. He asked me if I slept well, and I said not really. He asked if he snored too, and I said yeah. He said I'm so sorry, you should have kicked me. I rolled over and said out loud "I'm so cold, do you have any blankets?" He said yes, he took the blankets and draped it over me and then went under them and cuddled up with me, UGH LOVED IT. He's so sweet. He went over me and cuddled me from behind on the left side bc I turned over. He wrapped himself around me once more and we fit so perfectly. He would fondle me, he did this for the past hour, but I was too self conscious about spotting and also I WAS EXHAUSTED, I couldn't open my eyes. I thought abt it so many times -- turning over and playing with him too for morning foreplay -- but I couldn't bring myself to. I needed the sleep. He laid on my hair so many times and I was like T_T He kissed the back of my neck and just softly caressed my stomach side boob top of vag. He nibbled at my ear too, it was all so nice and comforting. I was just too tired, I couldn't do it. sorry bro bro. Then at 11:30, I finally woke up and was on my phone scrolling thru insta. I also dr when but he saw my phone screen with all my nieces and nephews and went "oh how cute!!" -__- did I say you could look? He's like do you wanna go get breakfast burritos, then I got right out of bed. and he said I thought you'd be more excited by that...I was like well I finally got out of bed after 9 hrs, what more do you want? Then he said yeah I woke up earlier, but I knew you were tired so I let you sleep. lol lol lol. For some reason, he asked me if he should wear his half fabric/leather kinna like brogues, but not quite out or chukka boots, and I was like chukka boots all the way. I also asked him if he had listerine or anything I could use to clean my teeth, and he's like uhh...have you tried the finger with toothpaste method before. I said yeah lol. There was so mcuh freaking toothpaste leftover in my mouth. omGOD. He said "I would've told you t bring your own toothbrush, but that would've been presumptuous." I also changed in his restroom bc I said I was gonna pee as well, Idk just thought it'd be weird to change in front of him. Ok it wouldn't be weird, I'd just feel weird haha. We left to grab breakfast. He ordered first and the cashier was like is that all, and he kinna stood there awkwardly while I stood way behind bc I was just gonna pay for myself. Then he bought my food for me, and it was kinna weird lmao. We sat across from each other talking about politics (ofc!) and he held never moved his gaze from my face, and all I could think was omg I haven't washed my face, I dont even have makeup on anymore. GOD. The burrito was pretty good. The conversation was so casual, everything was so casual as if nothing happened hahaha. We walked back to the car, he sat down and he blurted out in a hushed manner "I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue last night." I lold so fucking hard and just said GG bc what ELSE WOULD I SAY?? HAHAHA He's like what does that mean? Then blah blah he asked me about parks & rec, and said he's a lot like Chris Traeger bc he's really optimistic and we were talking abt the word literally. I said I'm a lot like April Ludgate. He said oh I can totally see that. I saw it in the text that you sent me yday. People tell me I'm kind of like Andy Dwyer. I was like what are you implying? That we're gonna fall in love bc you're not my type. Anyway he parked in front of me, so I just kinna walked to my car and peaced out. He walked over and wanted a hug, and I was like ugh making it so awkward, so I gave him a hug and saw he wasn't gonna go down for a kiss then he did last minute, and it was so messy and jumbled and it was a quick peck. lol. To describe him physically, I'd say he's very affectionate, sweet, gentle, cuddly, and romantic. The sex was 6/10, but I think it's bc first time and also him going down on me was way better haha

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