#...honeslty thats the only way ive coped.... becasue like. none of these issues have ever gone away for me. not really.
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#personal#diary#just...tw for everything. dont bother reading if you dont want.#drugs#suicidal ideation#self harm#disordered eating#ugh. like. its no fun doing anything anymore. well. i guess thats not quite true. my games are quite fun. but like. thats sorta it?#like theyre the only thing i *mostly* dont do obsessivly. like i have so many less rules for those. and its nice.#its really whats been keeping me together.#its like the only thing keeping me together.... because i *want* to do these things. and theyre long. so i cant do something else#i like. have to finish it in a timely order.#its the only reason im not sleeping super weird times anymore. *sigh*#i need to go to a therapist or something for the ocd. but what should i do. like. im having a big mental breakdown and all...#and like. how do i get him to treat me when i just cant anymore. like. im not interested in stupid fucking talk therapy#just tell me how to end these compulsions. this is fucking hell.#i feel like im living in hell.#i keep on getting so fucking stressed out and it just sends me spiralling.#though honestly i dont think ive been okay in a very long time. like. ive been okay i guess.#but like... i dont think an okay person fantasizes about their death or self harm or everything else before sleep every day.#...honeslty thats the only way ive coped.... becasue like. none of these issues have ever gone away for me. not really.#i just sorta. force them under rhe surface. like. i just keep doing the things i should. and i feel better.#but like. i dont feel okay. i dont feel like im living. im just so anxious and tired and in pain all the time.#my life is just so hard sometimes. not that anyone else's isnt. i just. am so tired.#ive been dealing with so much for so long. im exhausted.#and like. it never ends. its never ended. everything just. keeps comimg back. i keep on dealing with new problems all the timw#like. if someone *cough cough* my parents *cough cough* say the wrong thing i just... cant do anything.#if anything from my very scripted routine goes wrong ive never been able to do anythinh#AND ITS SO FRUSTRATING. like. what can i do. how do i do anything. i honestly dont know#i... dont know how to deal with this. i dont know how to talk about this. i dont want to be put into a mental hospital.
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