#ugh idk I didn't mean to go on like this
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#monster noises#might delete this later#but for now#I am a man severely troubled and apparently can't Not publicly express an emotion#it's a problem#but also I don't want to go to fucking work#I wanna stay home and draw and eat a cozy lunch and not be Super Anxious like All the Time#and perhaps more so I wish I worked in a place where there were more people like me#sometimes you go somewhere and even though the trip is short it changes your perspective#and you realize even if things are better than they were you're still kinda of treading water and gasping for air#but I don't have any clear idea of where I could even go#what I wouldn't give for a job where I am just given a task to do and then go home#and what I wouldn't give even more to not have to have a day job at all#to be able to have the time and energy to meet and engage with other artists and actually be a part of the things I want to be#instead of looking in from the outside#feeling like I can't#ugh idk I didn't mean to go on like this#but whatever#we'll see how i feel after my work day#if this post stays up or not#I can't access tumblr on my works wifi and I"m out of data for a bit longer so it's got at least 9-10 hours#and seeing that 9-10 hours written down is making me feel Insane :)
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You guys ever feel trapped? Yea I'm well-acquainted with the feeling of being trapped.
#*text#talk about unpleasant#sorry for only posting textposts here lately. I Forgot how I use this blog.#Also I'm gonna use this as an excuse to vent in the tags about something that's been bothering me today.#I hate days where it feels like I can't be the same person for even. idk. an hour?#I was gonna say just a general statement of 'I hate how I can't feel like the same person for more than an hour' but then I realized it onl#particularly bothered me today so maybe it's just a sometimes thing. throws hands up in the air I WOUDLN'T KNOW#It's just...nothing I do throughout the day matches. i keep starting new things only to forget about them (or forget how much I cared#about them) and try something else later. resulting in a long line of unfinished stuff and frustration.#I keep trying to come up with new conclusions/solutions to problems I've run through my head a million times already.#problems I didn't know I had or forgot about pop up etc.#I'll be doing fine and then I'll just feel stranded out of nowhere with no idea why and trying to figure out if this is normal for me.#I've felt stranded all day.#it's just ugh. i'm so confused. it's been a day i guess.#all the words i write feel kinda foreign to me sometimes. short term memory problems I guess. ✌️#but also I feel very very locked in a really limited worldview. or just like. my world feels very small like tunnel vision kind of thing an#for that reason it just feels like it'll go on the same forever and ever and ever. which is a very scary thought.#idk if my logical 'well that obviously isn't the case. things will change eventually' rebuttal is good enough to go against it.#so there you go I wrapped it all back to the point of the post: feeling trapped. yayyy#i don't mean to make myself sound so sad and pitiful. usually i'm doing fine and bad things kinda just don't register in my brain#but there are Secret Evil Feelings inside me that I don't even know about and sometimes I like to poke them with a stick.
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🙄🫠
#yk when i said i'm back to being active on tumblr well yeah 😅#i had to write a seminar paper for uni and it hasn't been going well because i got sick and didn't get much done#well i got an extension luckily but it still was a struggle the topic was just rly difficult to write about#i'm almost done now at least some 300 words i still have to write and then proofread and work on better formulating but yay#i should get it done today but yeah i'll manage so i'll be back when i'm done the latest tmrw#but seminar papers are for real my least favorite part of uni 😅 it's so time consuming and can be a real struggle ugh#i rather write an exam lmao#but anyway i needed to rant ://#my money got stolen 🙃😫#sometimes life just throws some shit at you ugh#like having to write this paper and not having a social life anymore isn't enougj#i don't know how it happened? i mean i don't know for sure but i can't explain it another way#like the money was in my wallet the day before yesterday and yesterday the whole day i didn't use my wallet qnd then it was gone??#maybe while i was at uni football but that's crazy it was not some public place but in a school gym lockerroom??#or maybe someone stole it from my backpack on the street idk?? but i didn't notice#but that was money i got for my birthday from my dad and aunts 😪#and i wanted to buy something nice with it and ig i will anyway but it sucks :((#it was not a little no i had 150€ in my wallet 😭 at least my credit cards are still there ig#but i realize now how stupid that probably was to carry so much money with but i thought it was safe fr#like i have lived in austria all my life and this never happened to me 😫 and it was not like i was walking around with my wallet openly#i mean i will be fine it would be a lot worse if that happened to someone who is just barely getting by but i'm still upset#and my mom told me that apparently it happened to a friend of her as well when she was in my city but like i never heard that before...#from any of my friends ... or maybe it really is that more dangerous with thieves in my uni city but like i wasn't aware#bc i mean in general austria is like a very safe country comparatively and feels like it never was on my mind#maybe it's horrible bad luck but in the future I will be careful to carry any cash with me 🙃
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[just venting a bit into the void you understand you understand 😌] Lately I've been feeling very caught between "I have a lot of thoughts on Sparrow and Normal and all that with the ending and teen talk and feel like I need to get them out and voice them for my own piece of mind and resolution" and "I am lacking the strength and energy to actually sit down and write it all out and kind of really just want to fully move on to other things (AUs, fics, anything else)" but my brain can't seem to commit to either and that's quite frustrating cause it's just left me very restless. *Sigh*. Idk! Just needed to complain about that a bit ig, it's silly but this is what has been ailing me as of late.
#Then there's also a part of me that's like “does anyone even care at this point? haven't I already talked about them too much?”#but I have seen many a take that irk me...#and perhaps at the center of it all nagging at me is that persistent conflation of love and pride#Less about that in Normal's mind so much as in Will's and the fandom's 🤔#Also that reoccurring issue of the fandom going ''Normal thinks this therefore it is The Truth'' though I believe I've discussed this befor#And... Hooks Will could have grabbed onto but didn't... Quite a few of those...#And the double standard/negativity bias in fandom of ignoring that Sparrow says both that he loves and likes Normal while doodlerized#But not treating those with the same legitimacy we do the pride thing. And ignoring Sparrow's demonstrations of love and change...#And what the love wolf scene actually implies about Sparrow (as I see it) with his own explanation of the pride thing in mind#But also!!! Also on Norm's epilogue and how despite everything taken at face value (i.e. no teen talk influence) I don't actually hate it#and I think it's plenty salvageable#And gah also that like *regardless* of how things turn out with Normal and his dad-#Well I haven't listened to much of the teen talk just the directly Sparrow-relevant clips#so I don't know quite how cynical Will is or isn't about Normal's future#But like. UGH. What I'm trying to say is even if things didn't find resolution vis-a-vis his dad#(which tbh I could go either way on- it's the meta misinterpretations of Sparrow that Bother me not so much Normal's)#(Well that's complicated. Again it comes back to the love vs. pride thing gosh this is so vague of me lol)#With all the positive influences in his life (and just the fact that life is long? and therapy is a thing?) I just don't see Normal-#being Miserable for the rest of his life. Like. I mean I won't elaborate here really but damn it no he can absolutely turn out alright stil#blugh#BUT YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN THAT'S A LOT OF STUFF AND THAT'S ONLY VAGUE RAMBLINGS ABOUT *SOME* OF IT#Like I'm proud of a lot of my essay posts (which I'm hoping to eventually compile in a masterpost eventually actually) but they take a whil#And if my heart wants to do other things... Ah idk...#ANYWAYS a vent to vent a vent to vent
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If you can be arsed with all those tags and fancy giving me brutal advice read away haha
#something is definitely going wrong for me because I want to go out tomorrow night with my mate who is thinking about getting a bag in and#and that lowkey sounds like a lot of fun to me and i wanna chip in but like i think B wants to come out and if he does i cant join in with#my pal because B would very much be against me doing that and like ugh#he doesnt even drink at the moment and i feel like out of nowhere hes matured but in all the wrong ways#like in none of the ways ive been wanting him to for the last few years#but in the ways which mean our nights out arent compatible anymore#and i know im the problem for wanting to be nihilistic hedonistic whatever#but i feel like im getting back the bit of my early 20s covid and working in care robbed me of#and hes already had his phase of that sort of stuff but like would be annoyed with me if i was doing coke around him and stuff#im definitely being selfish and should just say no to the drugs and like be a good girlfriend but#ahhhhhh idk if i cant have christmas like and i didn't get christmas eve at the pub then i kinda want boxing day at the pub with my mates#ugh#a tiny part of me is considering changing my plans with b and being borderline dishonest but also i know that#doing that is going to make whatever problem there is between us worse?#ultimately i know that im morally in the wrong here tbh and also like a bit of a loser
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me and my (also bi) flatmate were talking about date guy last week and out of nowhere she goes 'if you get a boyfriend im gonna be so annoyed we haven't even done anything gay together yet' and like i laughed it off but i keep remembering it bc we dont have a flirty friendship AT ALL like even in the moment it came WAY out of left field and im just here like hold on was gay shit ON THE TABLE??? NO ONE TOLD ME
#furious#you know that tiktok audio that's like 'i am not trying to seduce you... would you like me to seduce you?'#and it started off as a smirky flirty thing but the gays and neurodivergents#latched onto their own interpretation where it's more like#'wait.... did you WANT me to seduce you?'#i feel like that rn#like me and her have a very hateful relationship LMAO the only time we're ever nice to each other is when we're drunk#which is so funny bc she is actually one of my favourite people and she's told me im one of hers#so we go from sober and 'i literally despise you i cant wait to live without you next year'#to drunk and 'DONT GO TO AMERICA FOR YOUR PLACEMENT DONT LEAVE ME HERE' lmaooo#so being NICE is odd for us let alone being FLIRTY#like she said it and even when i didnt even consider the repurcussions i was like 'idk how to respond to that'#bc i have a hundred mean responses ready and waiting for her but NOTHING to respond to that with#like i literally said 'as if you'd be my type' but it just didn't hit as well bc she was being NICE/SUGGESTIVE#UGH IDK#like i dont fancy her like that btw and i dont think she likes me like that either it's v much platonic#but bisexuals will be bisexuals i v much think it's part of bisexual culture now to just hook up with any other bisexual you find#hella goes to uni
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#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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#guess who got covid again!!!#my friend who lives on the floor below me + his partners got it and they kept their door open which made me Nervous#but i was like ugh don't be mean etc im sure it's fine and id wrap my scarf over my nose and mouth at least and wash my hands#but thursday evening i was like oh no. oh feels Bad and friday was fucking awful i think i had a migraine on top of it#but saturday was okayish! so i ordered food and i added a note saying please feel free to leave it near the door#but they didn't see/didn't speak dutch so i had to get it from them anyway and i kept my distance in between but blegh blegh#idk i just hate this i hate thinking who i mightve infected i hate that this means im stuck here for another week i hate our fk government#and i hate my own spinelessness#and something about. what else is going on beside covid? oh yeah fucking genocides. jfc.
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Why do certain coworkers have to get you so annoyed with them without even trying, and they don't realize how annoying/obnoxious they are?? Or worse, they KNOW how annoying they are but don't seem to care cause they find it funny?
It's like the silence and neutral expressions aren't enough of a hint that I don't think you're funny and you should just stop while you still have your dignity...
Longer rant in the tags cause it's a lot.
#rant post#personal rant#idk what is with boys and think whenever you get annoyed with them means that its ok to keep going on with the shit 😒#i know it's not all boys but just certain ones#he's only 1-2 years younger than me but he acts pretty immature sometimes#he was trying to get my attention by doing stupid shit as distance away but i didn't acknowledge him and he got that message#but afterwards he tries other stuff and cracks himself up whenever he gets me to look at him thinking I'm giving him a reaction#he's....an odd puzzle piece to place#and my workplace is as small as a typical subway so i can't really keep my distance from him unless i go outside or got to the restrooms#ugh i just wish he wasn't like this ALL THE TIME and he wonders i act the way i do around him on the rare occasions he is serious#and it's just me and him working there other than my manager but can't really do anything about that for now#i just wanna scream at him to not smirk at me and dance around me like he's trying to do a mating dance that makes me uncomfortable each tim#-me but i gotta say it in a way that doesn't sound like I'm hysterical about it or cause ridges since I'm still working there#basically he's one of the reasons i want a new job. it shouldn't be the case where a coworker causes you to leave a job#but unfortunately this is where i am at this point#ok rant over XD#I'm going to wash my face and eat something
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#MY FRIENDS I ABANDONED ARE DOING GREAT SO THIS IS A AVOIDANT WIN!!!!#They are making new friends and starting up OC worlds#It’s amazing#i’m really fuckin happy they are not only ok but better#But that also means my brain is right about me being shit so ugh#Well atleast the people I care for are ok#Thats all I want at this point in life and if me being near them (since I’m annoying cracker) harms them then I will keep them away!#I miss them but they are doing well it looks like so#Still wish i was with them#I do love them#platonically of couse#But still#maybe I didn't have to leave but they seem better idk#They were all nice people I could trust#I wish i could go back though#Just to see#that was by far the nicest year of my life#That 7 month period of my life#I had friends people pretended to enjoy my art I felt like I could breath#Too late to go back now#I’m gonna write a goodbye note I think#We both hate goodbyes but I feel like daisy atleast deserves one#They were a friend who changed me and that doesnt happen#Hasent happened but it did#So yeah I’m gonna write a goodbye letter thing IDK lack of better words#Not like anybody will read this but don’t be like me#Dont let that voice in your head speak at all#The people you know do actually care for you atleast a little bit#Idrc If they were liars or something only going “oh your art is good!” To be nice#Id rather be surrounded by liars than by myself
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ugh there it goes
#our promotion 😢😢#1st place is gone#today was tough our opponents were all way better than us#we only won 1 match out of 6#now they're leading our league well we should at least win our last matchday and get 2nd place#the no1 seed was in another league from ours 6:0 6:0 altough she's quite a good player at our club#we only won one doubles match altough they were not as good by far as their other players#and all the matches were quite one sided they were also way higher rated than us#i also lost my match 😫 altough it was quite close actually but that is even worse sometimes idk#i certainly could have won idk why i didn't i mean there were not many chances but they were there#i lost 5:7 4:6 ugh 😭#maybe with a better serve i would have won#but i was 5:4 up and i didn't win that point like that's when you have to be there and make it#i think this might just be one of my weaknesses i'm really good at conebacks and believing in that i'll win but i have to be more effective#and 'cold' when it matters sometimes i'm quite wasteful with my chances#i often make the craziest most difficult shots which are 'impossible' to get back but then fail at the easiest one's#especially in the crucial moments maybe i should play it safe more and be more patient#nah but winning that first set would have changed everything because 3rd sets are more likely to be my advantage with my speed and fitness#and in the 2nd i was just always one behind i always caught up but never went ahead#my serve also wasn't really there today and my 2nd serve is still too weak opponents take advantage and if i have a bad 1st serve percentage#like today it makes it difficult to win my own serve and i also made many double faults (4) 😕#i aced her once tho 🤪#but my serves are sometimes great but very inconsistent dependent on the day (the 2nd one always bad)#my backhand also wasn't as good as usualy i hit a lot of them out but it got better altough then i took many with my forehand which worked#and my opponent had riddiculous stops they wouldn't go up the ground again 🫠#and she was so good at net and also whenever i went there she'd pass me or lob me 😅#i gave up doing that very soon my best shot at this was just hitting winners and hitting balls deep to her forehand#i succeeded at that a couple of times but it was not enough#i mean i didn't play badly but what a shame#she was very nice though and very fair it was a pleasant match and she told me she was the best opponent she encountered in the league
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Rereading ayaka is in love with Hiroko senpai!!! Last time I read it I don't think it was finished/I didn't finish it but ack. Now I also want to be in love 😭😭😭
#i want to say i want to be someone like ayaka but in reality im probably more like hiroko#i used to be someone like ayaka. i was really tunnel visioned and i didn't consider much aside from the person i was interested in#but it's been years now and there's a lot more to consider and it's. hard and im even more scared now.#i think there's someone who im currently talking with who's trying to figure out if im into women or not and if im available or not#but it's that sort of thing where there's just. a lot in my shoulders and a lot to consider. i want a relationship eventually but.#there's just so much to consider right now. in the past i thought that as long as i could make my partner happy a rx is just btwn 2 of us#but when i did actually get into a serious long term relationship i realized that most people. do expect getting to have in laws.#people for the most part want to be loved proudly and not have to hide it. and i do too. but at the same time. i just. there's so much on me#i almost came out to my dad the other day while trying to console him. but maybe that news would just be the last straw for him. idk.#i just can't really afford to have my life be shaken up much more right now when i just rebuilt some stability.#especially when my parents are having a midlife crisis and both of them are leaning on me. my health worsening also stressed them out too.#i really thought I'd be braver and have less to worry about the older i got and the more independent i became but. ig not.#in my teens i told myself once i reached adulthood I'd be free to be myself and pursue happiness. in my 20s i tell myself after med school.#maybe once I'm finally out of med school and etc I'll have the opportunity to live my life. or maybe by then there will be another reason.#it's a real concern. i mean. sure I've never wanted kids I've always been ace and I've always liked women but. the societal pressure.#to other queer people the gaydar goes off easily but to the cishet audience i've mostly. been able to go unnoticed.#and when you're younger not having a bf or ppl you're interested in and being focused on your studies is a thing your parents are proud of#but as i get older. it's just been harder. i don't know how much longer i have before i have to conform or have the cat out of the bag.#i don't even get it sometimes. i really don't. the expectation of family and marriage is wanting happiness for your child right? but somehow#idk. idk. i really don't know. sometimes maintaining an image. might be more important than your child's feelings.#and i really can't be certain that between ego and saving face compared to me that. I'll come out on top. i really don't know.#idk. idk. i know there are ppl interested in dating me. but idk. i really need some time to process things through.#sometimes i ask myself how i would feel abt it and i really can't figure out how i feel at all.#it's ok to date someone u don't love ig. i mean. I've done it before. you can make yourself like someone after a while. but idk if i.#idk i just. i think im just really scared. and I'll need at least another month or so before anything is back on the table.#it's honestly just me running away from having to deal with sorting out thoughts and feelings 👍👍👍 which i eventually will have to face ig#but if i do fall in love ik i have it in me to sort those things out quickly i think. if im not too scared to let myself fall.#ig i just have to get more used to ppl being interested in me again ack 😭 it's easy to ignore it when dating someone but. now.#and it was fine in the summer bc i wasn't really around too many ppl my age. but. ugh. unfortunately. i do have. a face and a personality.#delete later
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How to spice up (down) your office romance, a book by me:
Talk in accents* and roleplay in front of other co-workers, become the centre of the office gossip but deny everything
Wear your least sexy pants that went through the dryer too many times and make you feel an icy breeze on your ankles
Wear your least sexy jumper, like knitted jumper with stripes usually does it
If he works on another level, avoid that level until he's gone home for the day
Say out loud "oh I can't do that, the files are upstairs" (make a big deal of not wanting to go upstairs) and then when he goes home, go up there twenty times and see who notices
If he gives you files to work on, say out loud "well this isn't enough to win me over!" (Oh man, I wish I was brave enough to try this)
Give them a folded up piece of paper with your hotel name and room number on it. In front of everyone. But no one sees the paper
Give them a note, say it's from the boss, and then they open it to read "i'mma fuck you hard" or something idk haven't workshopped this properly
Write fanfiction about it in your lunch break because that's the most that will ever happen
Play pranks on them (see: new girl)
Make up nicknames/code names for each other like "baby bear" and "Goldilocks" (see: back in very small business)
*I can't do accents and I'd be too scared to do this one but god it'd be fun
#or just don't even get into office romance#let really guy and his wife do the office romance stuff#it's too hard#feel like I'm leading a double life like I'm meant to talk to him about work or aflm interchanges or anything but can i bring up Saturday??#it's so hard to talk to him normally knowing what he's almost hinted#i mean he didn't really mention it outright idk he just said he shares the kid 'half time' with the kid's mum#and may have slipped in that he finds me attractive#that's it though#oh and he spoke about relationships generally but not directly#not like asking me directly if i want to or not#hmmmph#also if he's changed his mind then would he tell me??? or just go on as normal?????#also when he leaves early at like 2:30 does he pick the kid up from school#no the kid is on school holidays#but like normally#does he live with the wife#THERE'S SO MANY QUESTIONS UGH i hate myself when he asked in the car 'do you have any questions?' i said no#you idiot Laura#but also that's just me whenever I'm asked if i have questions#i always have questions but never when I'm actually asked for questions#sigh#it's too much#can't do it#erandi used to mock me and say 'your boyfriend' whenever he was mentioned#I'd yell back NO HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND when erandi's already told me that it can't be possible#no but erandi didn't really like him and full on yelled at him one day and sometimes she'd say mean things behind his back so I'd defend him#i think erandi was right#what would erandi think of this#not now though#if i see him again outside of work THEN I'm calling erandi
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so I have to retake a test. It's a nightmare to prepare for it. I couldn't prepare for it the first time around thanks to my health failing me but the "if you don't comr on this date good luck retaking it bc when will it be again" and I failed obviously. Now I'm trying to prepare for it again, it's tomorrow morning, and I'm looking at the list of DISORGANISED QUESTIONS. Like they are literally shuffled around. Not linear almost at all. And the worst part is we have to literally learn a lot of big fucking formulas. It's not one of the subjects where you can use your written notes. Just simple drilling into your brain and some geometry that my brain refuses to understand (I love geometry but I am hating this particular subject yeah nuance). I hate this shit. I'm majoring in optical electronic engineering but this part of the subject isn't about optics. It's about gear trains and such. All this mechanical stuff I thought I wouldn't have to learn. Well I'm aware optical devices often have moving parts, but we're doing something unrelated to it this semester. Idk it seems out of place, maybe I'll change my opinion but I think it could be included when it's needed and not lay the foundation that gets forgotten and then we return to it. Whoa geometrical parameters of cylindrical gears. Idk maybe we should just have engineers specialising in that that we can collaborate with? Or is one single engineer supposed to engineer everything. If I remember right division of labour drives efficiency, no? Like yeah we should know optics (and electronics) broadly but. Sorry there should be more engineers specialising in miniature mechanical stuff for hybrid mechanical electronic devices. Seems like it's unpopular rn as the profs are almost all old people. Idk we should rightfully hail the specialisation and get more people into it. Bc I think it slows us optics down if we have to learn all this. I'm not saying we shouldn't learn this at all. But the way the gears are cut and how to calculate what parameters we need should be better wrapped.
(I wanted to add a picture of hard to understand formulas and geometry but not anymore)
And then we wonder why the quality of technology declines when the only people taught thi stuff get it taught with a lot of other things that push this out of memory and not people who could be in a super niche profession on one hand but pretty needed on the other hand and actually know their thing. Like a lot of their jobs will consist of organizing this info and passing it down but they will be engineering these mechanical parts in collaboration with people specialising in other areas and everyone gets a normal workload instead of something incomprehensible.
#Ugh idk how it is in other unis or other countries but bmstu really needs to just say. RL5 now can have their own students go wild teach the#Them all the needed mechanical rwlated stuff.#Like we do have mechanics for heavy machines but seems not for small devices. Sad. If they made FN7 have their own students nothing#Is stopping them to doibg the same to RL5. Please if only we get more people interested in that. Like artificially create sth that interest#Fresh high school graduates to go into this field. Bc the niche is lackibg people currently. We need to fix that.#Honestly I'm talking like someone in a bubble. That bubble being bmstu but really it seems its engineers like to collaborate with each othe#Not people from other unis. When it comes to engineering I mean#Not science. Science collabs w other unis are very common.#So if we are bound to stay in this bubble we need to cover more niches ourselves.#I have almost never seen a prof that didn't graduate bmstu but another uni (math is an exception). Maybe our uni doesn't like taking in out#Honestly maybe it's me being mental but something about bmstu is eerie. If it gets a hold of you it's forever. Master's? You stay.#Phd? You also stay for it there. And most likely start teaching.#But the quality of some subjects is declining we need to do sth about tgat
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essay in tags :p
#to extend to the super basic dumb version of why i think jason would win in the comments:#he wouldn't be a career. he would be from one of the poorest districts and he'd have already been working on his own to feed himself as an-#-orphan for months/potentially years doing cheap 'unskilled' manual labor—which is why he gets chosen (took out too many tithes)#as a result tho he's jacked as fuck and has lots of practical scrappy skills + taught himself self defense to survive peacekeepers abuse.#he probably have been forced to drop out of formal education but when he's chosen he dedicates all taht passion he has to one day get—#—a real education into studying every single past hunger games. in fact he might have already been training himself for it bc of the—#—high risk high reward. he already is highly likely to die in his day to day. might as well study all the tricks and plan how to takeover—#—the underground *cough* I mean Panem. so he goes into the media circuit playing up his most charming smiles. he can't hide his build but—#—he can play the gentle dumb giant who mentions an arbitrary love of romance novels and poems. his fans are all swooning or motherly ladies—#—and everyone thinks he's gonna die to a trick of the arena. he purposefully sabotages his rating and makes friendly with the careers who—#—so blatantly want him just for muscle it's offensive they think he's falling for it. of course when they get to the arena he still plays—#—along. early game groups are best option to hoard choice supplies. jason gets 'randomly' chosen to play pack mule. he stumbles along with—#—the careers until halfway through when their benefits no longer outweigh risk. he smiles. volunteers first watch. and then—#—slits their throats in their sleep. 3 kills & his biggest completion gone + all the supplies for him. the trick would cause uproar from—#—his 'unmasking' and the sponsors pool together to give him a gift. a hunting dagger big enough he can cut someone's head off. he then goes—#—full competence. doesn't shy from using water or meds bc there's no use in saving them if u die before u use them. he spies on the few—#—remaining. stalking them through the night. and then choosing the perfect moment to sneak in and slice their arteries.#post game: he knows too much abt becoming treated like finnick so he'd purposely get a wound in the arena or 'go crazy' and 'mutilate' his—#—face. when he surface win the media he has a full helmet he always wears to 'hide the scaring'. he can't be used anymore so he gets away—#—with book clubs and tea parties with rich sponsors so he can get an education (and so he can manipulate them to his cause. using their—#—sympathies so they'll fund or at least not turn in ppl in the rebellion)#the helmet serves a double purpose as ppl forget what he looks like + classic panem private surgery his real face can be a resistance—#—leader while the Red Hood is ostensibly just another media plaything.#Tim would be a quarter quell winner a year after jason in some truly fucked up shit and mentions Jason as inspiration#as Tim would win with some plan even more unethical than the games usually are. jason sends him some useless sponsor gift but postgame—#—tim realizes it's a rebellion message and teams up with Jason. idk how the other bats come into play besides Bruce 1000% being a Panem—#—citizen who 'bought' (ugh) Dick when he won so he didn't have to go through Finnick treatment & is one of the book club members with Jason
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#tag talk#had a dream I found this really gorgeous aquamarine turtleneck with actually long enough sleeves for me and then I woke up ب_ب#do you have any idea how fucking disappointing it was to wake up and realize that I do in fact not have a nice comfy turtleneck#I'm genuinely so sad#also there was a cute bra I picked up in my dream as well and guess what. I don't have that irl either.#when summer hits I wanna go thrifting again. I don't like going out in the winter but ugh. I want summer to exist pleaseeee#I'm gonna drag my new trans friend along cause that seems like it would be really fun to look at clothes together I think.#hrrnngghhhhh I want to live my life and enjoy it please I just want to#also my therapy appointment was good but it genuinely made me so exhausted for real. like. physically tired.#which means that I've for sure still got problems rattling around in my head since anytime I get close to them my body reacts physically.#I'm still tired but I think I'll be able to get up in about twenty minutes hopefully.#I stripped the old sheets from my bed but didn't remake it but I showered so I'm clean so I just went to bed without sheets anyway#it feels kind of nice somehow. bare skin on bare mattress. feeling bad and just existing under covers.#idk why but it feels like home. like I'm a kid again. I say idk that's a lie I know why.#it's nice to just be a little miserable and convalescent and dissociate and nap and drift away into nothingness for a while.#maybe that dissociation immediately after confronting my own thoughts isn't super great though.#I have such a strong aversion to my own mind. such a repulsion from digging deeper than what I'm comfortable with.#I have this fear that I'll continue to find new things wrong with me. continue to find new explanations for why I'm so fucked up and weird.#will I have a reason for why I dump my friends after a few months. why I imagine unspeakable violence on the regular.#idk. I still struggle with the hurt deep down inside and it's so extremely photosensitive that I can't open it up without it lashing out#I'm a human being grown over a skeleton of scar tissue and alien growth. a body pulled tight over the skin of another.#what the fuck am I really? I know who I am. I still don't know what.
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