#ugh i am destroyed
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Watched The Half of It and I am both better and worse for it
#the half of it#ellie chu#aster flores#paul munsky#i would die for those three in particular#the paul and ellie friendship meant everything to me#and the hopeful but still sad ending#ugh i am destroyed
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call me master (and i'll call you mine) [Sylus/MC ★ 666 words ★ Masterlist ★ Series Index ★ AO3] Lines blur between the hunter and the hunted, fantasy and reality. A/N: No, I will not explain myself.
There is a hunter in Linkon City who has set her sight on him as her prey, not knowing that she is about to fall into his trap.
Under the dark cloak of night, the city sleeps, lulled to a deep slumber by harsh raindrops. Within his bedroom, Sylus lays upon cool, soft satin, unperturbed by the distant rumbles of thunder, his own mind occupied with endless thoughts of the woman pursuing him and his organization.
How cute, he thinks, that she believes he is the prey.
“Fuck,” Sylus hisses softly, his fingers wrap around his cock, his eyes closed as he envisions this sweet little prey in his grasp. His mouth parts, letting out little gasps, as his hand strokes the hard member in a slow steady rhythm, his mind already drifting away.
Gonna dress her in the prettiest little lace just so he can rip them apart. Have her body on display beneath him, her every curve just waiting to be memorized and mapped along with his kisses and touches. He groans softly, imagining his hands traversing across her smooth skin, eliciting gentle gasps. Pepper kisses along her neck, feel the swell of her breast within his hand, a soft squeeze as she writhes beneath him, her control slipping as she begins to whine for him, her words becoming incoherent the more he taunts her.
Gonna make her his, her eyes will only see him and her body will only crave him. Spread her soft thighs, sink slowly into her wet folds. Look at me, he murmurs, grabbing her chin and forcing her to face him, Keep your eyes on me, sweetheart.
Let her get used to him, the feel of him buried deep inside her. Teasingly slow, he pulls out and thrusts into her again, the languid movements enough to make her resolve begin to slip away. Memorize her expressions, watch her fall apart because of him, her resistance weakening before she breaks, finally begging him to take her completely. He laughs, her desperate pleas awakening a desire within him. His hand finds hers, fingers interlocking, as his hips rock against hers, building a faster rhythm.
What sweet begging, he croons, his hands trail down to her hips, fingers digging into her flesh as he pulls her to him to meet his thrust. Is this what you want, my sweet little hunter?
Gonna wreck her until she cries and comes undone by him. How sweet her voice will sound, spilling soft mewls and pleas for him, his name a desperate prayer on her lips as he takes her like a beast, fuck her hard and make a mess of her.
Sylus lets out a deep groan, his heart and breathing quickening as he opens his eyes, the evidence of his aimless thoughts on his hand. He sighs and leans back in bed, his head cradled by the soft pillow as his eyes wander up to the ceiling. The little hunter continues to linger in his mind, his idle fantasy of her still has him ensnared with images of her covered in him, lips bruised so prettily by him, her mouth still calling for him, aching for him.
Him.
He laughs, mirthless, the very thought stirs something within himself. To be needed in such a way, why, he could perhaps let himself be addicted to this feeling, to have a sweet little thing helpless for him.
Thunder continues to rumble outside, the rainstorm showing no sign of passing any time soon. Fatigue takes over and Sylus could feel sleep calling for him now, his body relaxing under the cool satin cover as he allows himself to drift off into a deep slumber.
The soft patters of raindrops mingle with her gasping cries, resounding within his mind. What a sweet lullaby, he thinks before he dreams of her, perfectly flushed and helplessly trapped in his embrace.
In Linkon City, there is a hunter pursuing him, but little does she know, he is waiting for her.
#love and deepspace#love and deepspace sylus#love and deepspace fanfiction#lnds fanfics#lnds smut#sylus smut#x — fanfics#just remember i will emotionally destroy this man when the time comes#and also give him a child*#*in my lnds men + their children fic series lol#ugh someone get me some melatonin and eye drops#i am so sleep deprived and my eyes are so dry
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"Found out" set in kind of a made-up chapter where the girls are in trouble, or something.
#witch hat tag#orufrey#i hate having a strong cinematic image in your mind for months..working hours on it..& at the end looking you have to be like “Sure. :/"#i'm especially unsatisfied with the beginning and the end and how i can't get eyebrows to work as i want#but i dont care any more... this is probably the comic that has given me the most trouble ever i just dont care#i barely even care whatsoever if anyone even sees this..Ugh..but at least i can move on to the next era now#i'm just annoyed i cant get out good enough my image of qifrey flinching bc he thinks oru will hit him but then he is not hit#i feel like sensei will do something along these lines. i want to see what she will do.#there are also other variations i have in my mind. i just want to know#i just don't want it to happen with qifrey on his deathbed or something. but it possibly will. I DONT EVEN KNOW.#i have another very cinematic image in my mind for something sort of along those lines which i will do soon. it never ends...#btw after this is probably my fics. yeah.... i think it has to be my fics. jasmine sort of goes along these lines#i need that space for dialogue. look - i'm a writer. this is HARD for me. so i am really glad i had the space and freedom of words#to process all the feelings. but i tried to get something out in a quick visual space too. <- me defending myself to myself at cai court#anyway going along the lines of 'Jasmine' - they talk this out and argue and cry and oru pushes the hat at him and tells him#why not just erase every memory i have of you then. That would be easier for us all wouldn't it?#they kiss and sob and kiss and lie outside in the flowers for many hours in that one. and then there's 'Deep End' where it turns out#way way way way more time and words is needed for this actually and that's upsetting for everyone.#the destruction of the hat is certainly another path to take. Can you make this work without that hat going up in flames?#something you have always had and have been clinging to will have to be destroyed. You have to lose something now. This is the crux qifrey#I CANT GET IT OUT IN ONE COMIC!!! I CANT DRAW IT OUT!!!! I NEEDED THOSE FICS!!!! PRAISE WORDS!!!! whatever im going to have dinner now
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how much do I have to post to become a top heracles hades 2 blog. I'll do it I'm obsessed with that man
#heracles hades#heracles hades 2#hades 2#heracles#hades game#hades supergiant#danny.txt#i want to destroy his cervix#or have him destroy mine either way#they gave me a LARGE MAN with mommy AND daddy issues. huge win for women with psychosexual problems#ugh. i love him#and eris has dialogue where she bullies you about him which i AM taking as a hint that we may be able to romance him
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Rowaelin Chapter 41 Kingdom of Ash:
She'd rebuild it—what she had been.
Perhaps one last time, perhaps only for a little while, but she'd do it. If only for Terrasen.
Rowan swooped from the mast, shifting as he reached her side at the rail. He surveyed the night-black sea beyond them. "You should rest." She slid him a glance. "I'm not tired." Not a lie, not in some regards. "Want to spar?" He frowned. "Training can start tomorrow."
"Or tonight." She held his piercing stare, matched his dominance with her own.
"It can wait a few hours, Aelin."
"Every day counts." Against Erawan, even a day of training would count.
Rowan's jaw tightened. "True," he said at last. "But it can still wait. There are ... there are things we need to discuss." The silent words rose in his animal-bright eyes. About you and me.
Her mouth went dry. But Aelin nodded In silence, they strode into their spacious quarters, its only decoration the wall of windows that overlooked the churning sea behind them. A far cry from a queen's chamber, or any she might have purchased as Adarlan's assassin.
At least the bed built into the wall looked clean enough, the sheets crisp and stainless. But Aelin headed for the oak desk anchored to the floor, and leaned against it while Rowan shut the door.
In the dim lantern light, they stared at each other.
She'd endured Maeve and Cairn; she'd endured Endovier and countless other horrors and losses. She could have this conversation with him. The first step toward rebuilding herself.
Aelin knew Rowan could hear her thundering heart as the space between them went taut. She swallowed once. "Elide and Lorcan told you... told you everything that was said on that beach."
A curt nod, wariness flooding his eyes. "Everything that Maeve said." Another nod.
She braced herself. "That I'm-we're mates."
Understanding and something like relief replaced that wariness. "Yes."
"I'm your mate," she said, needing to voice it. "And you are mine."
Rowan crossed the room, but halted a few feet from the desk on which she leaned. "What of it, Aelin?" His question was low, rough.
"Don't you..." She scrubbed at her face. "You know what she did to you, to ..." She couldn't say her name. Lyria. "Because of it."
"I do know."
"And?"
"And what do you wish me to say?"
She pushed off the desk. "I wish you to tell me how you feel about it. If…"
"If what?"
"If you wish it wasn't so."
His brows narrowed. "Why would I ever wish that?"
She shook her head, unable to answer, and stared over her shoulder toward the sea.
It seemed like he would close the distance between them, but he remained where he was.
"Aelin." His voice turned hoarse. "Aelin."
She looked at him then, at the pain in his words.
"Do you know what I wish?" He exposed his palms, one tattooed, the other unmarked. "I wish that you had told me. When you realized it. I wish you had told me then."
She swallowed against the ache in her throat. "I didn't want to hurt you."
"Why would it ever hurt me to know the truth that was already in my heart? The truth I hoped for?"
"I didn't understand it. I didn't understand how it was possible. I thought maybe ... maybe you might be able to have two mates within a lifetime, but even then, I just ….." She blew out a breath. "I didn't want you to be distressed." His eyes softened. "Do I regret that Lyria was dragged into this, that the cost of Maeve's game was her life, and the life of the child we might have had? Yes. I regret that, and I wish it had never happened." He would bear the tattoo to remember it for the rest of his days. "But none of that was your fault. I will always carry some of the burden of it, always know I chose to leave her for war and glory, and that I played right into Maeve's hands."
"Maeve wanted to ensnare you to get to me, though."
"Then it is her choice, not yours."
Aelin ran a hand over the worn wood of the desk. "In those illusions she spun for me, she showed me variations on one more than all the others." The words were strained, but she forced them out. Forced herself to look at him. "She spun me one dreamscape that felt so real I could smell the wind off the Staghorns."
"What did she show you?" A breathless question.
Aelin had to swallow before she could answer. "She showed me what might have been—if there had been no Erawan, if Elena had dealt with him properly and banished him. If there had been no Lyria, none of that pain or despair you endured. She showed me Terrasen as it would have been today, with my father as king, and my childhood happy, and..." Her lips wobbled. "When I turned twenty, you came with a delegation of Fae to Terrasen, to make amends for the rift between my mother and Maeve. And you and I took one look at each other in my father's throne room, and we knew."
She didn't fight the stinging in her eyes. "I wanted to believe that was the true world. That this was the nightmare from which I'd awaken. I wanted to believe that there was a place where you and I had never known this suffering and loss, where we'd take one look at each other and know we were mates. Maeve told me she could make it so. If I gave her the keys, she'd make it all possible." She wiped at her cheek, at the tear that escaped down it. "She spun me realities where you were dead, where you'd been killed by Erawan and only in handing over the keys to her would I be able to avenge you. But those realities made me ... I stopped being useful to her when she told me you were gone. She couldn't get me to talk, to think. Yet in the ones where you and I met, where things were as they should have been ... that was when I came the closest."
His swallow was audible. "What stopped you?"
She wiped at her face again. "The male I fell in love with was you. It was you, who knew pain as I did, and who walked with me through it, back to the light. Maeve didn't understand that. That even if she could create that perfect world, it wouldn't be you with me. And I'd never trade that, trade this. Not for anything." He extended his hand. An offer and invitation.
Aelin laid hers atop his, and his callused fingers squeezed gently. "I wanted it to be you," he breathed, closing his eyes. "For months and months, even in Wendlyn, I wondered why you weren't my mate instead. It tore me up, wondering it, but I still did." He opened his eyes, and they burned like green fire. "All this time, I wanted it to be you."
She lowered her gaze, but he hooked a thumb and forefinger around her chin and lifted her face.
"I know you are tired, Fireheart. I know that the burden on your shoulders is more than anyone should endure." He took their joined hands and laid them on his heart. "But we'll face this together. Erawan, the Lock, all of it.
"We'll face it together. And when we are done, when you Settle, we will have a thousand years together. Longer."
A small sound came out of her. "Elena said the Lock requires—"
"We'll face it together," he swore again.
"And if the cost of it truly is you, then we'll pay it together. As one soul in two bodies.
Her heart strained to the point of cleaving. "Terrasen needs a king."
"I have no intention of ruling Terrasen without you. Aedion can have the job."
She scanned his face. He meant every word He brushed the hair from her face, his other hand still clasping hers to his chest, where his heart pounded a steady, unfaltering rhythm.
"Even if I had my choice of any dream-realities, any perfect illusions, I would still choose you, too."
She felt the truth of his words echo into the unbreakable thing that bound their very souls, and tilted her face up toward his. But he made no move beyond it.
She frowned. "Why aren't you kissing me?"
"I thought you might want to be asked first."
"That never stopped you before."
"This first time, I wanted to make sure you were ... ready." After Cairn and Maeve. After months of having no choices whatsoever.
She smiled despite that truth. "I'm ready to be kissed again, Prince."
He let out a dark chuckle and muttered, "Thank the gods," before he lowered his mouth to hers.
"You're my mate." Her words were a breathless rush. "And I am yours."
The world might have been burning around them for all she cared, all he cared, too.
"Together, Aelin," he promised, and she heard the rest of the words in every place their bodies joined. Together they would face this, together they would find a way.
Together we'll find a way, their mingling breaths, the crashing sea, seemed to echo.
Together.
#Chapter 41#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Aelin Galathynius#Rowan Whitethorn#Rowaelin#soulmates#mates#spoilers and notes in tags cause this chapter and also spoilers in post cause this chapter first read react with me read along#Rowaelin chapters scenes moments quotes#they want to make it possible bring that love to light#am I allowed to cry? — Again the word endured — finally the dream — the sand she still sees — he’s magic being steady — them talking time#again if Maeve could convince Rowan Lyria was his mate how bad was it when she convinced Aelin her actual mate was dead… this hurts me…#the fact Aelin stopped being useful because it destroyed her beyond belief but the dreams the dreams almost got her because its all she wan#again then both feeling sorry and the other not realizing and then consent and then comfort and love & I just wanted it2be U how could I no#I know you are tired Fireheart (ALL THE TROPES IN ONE LINE… UGH I MISSED THIS SHIP)#together. one soul in two bodies. their endgame like literally they are. I’d choose you too. even the apologies that were needed just heali#what it might have once been — together — not alone — not returning alone — the king and queen of Terrasen — I need u more — 2 whatever end#Aelin watched the boat until it disappeared trying not to stare too long at the clean unstained sand beneath her boots#always north — she didn’t care she just wanted far away — who knew — what she knew-the letters she sent-Valg-dark blood that had turned red#If it had been another dreamscape or some fragment that had blended into the very real memory of Connall's death. — always a plab&theory#all these things to deal with later-she’d rebuild all she had been-her match helper mirror-matched his piercing stare with her own-wait/res#A far cry from a queen's chamber or any she might have purchased as Adarlan's assassin. — how far we’ve come-she had ENDURED she can do it#I'm your mate she said needing to voice it. And you are mine. — Lyria. — I do know. and?&what do you wish me to say?-this was perfect#If what? If you wish it wasn't so. His brows narrowed. Why would I ever wish that? — Aelin. she looked at him at the pain in his words#the way it's changed since Mistward... and grown... even in names like Whitethorn Galathynius together — the brain thoughts are back —#The kiss was gentle-light. Letting her decide how to guide it. So she did. — he’d do it all night if that was what’s he wished#Together we'll find a way their mingling breaths the crashing sea seemed to echo. Together. — mountains and oceans#Might’ve been before-thought snapped-the bond- u r my mate&I am urs-the world might have been burning for all she cared all he cared too#Together they would face this together they would find a way. — claiming him as he claimed her — a scar a marker a tattoo
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...
#bleh. i need half the country to pls stop being on fire. id like to go out and run pls. but its so smokey i can barely see the mountain#i live near :-/ also im just tired and frustrated. its incredible how quickly i vasilate between#things r going well. i should stay in my program and work with cyanos forever. to no no no im not cut out for this. i gotta leave. to yay#let me throw myself head first into consuming every second of my life with working. but only on the things that dont require me to think#which is y im not cut out for this and should be bannished to a world of only doing lab work and following instructions#also i have an screening interview monday for an R0DBT group. so i might b going to control freak classes#assuming i cant convince the lady that im not fit for thr class. which obviously i am bc im my therapist listed the ppl who r#usually put into r0dbt and i was like hm im a lot of those things. but also its 2hrs every week and thats a lot of time. and i feel like im#already on the path away from violently structuring my life specifically bc ive done so much damage#ugh. also i have ridiculously high self standards but i only do anything halfway bc i cant fail if i never try 100%.#so im like a fake control freak. or rather i cant even fully commit to being controlling. im lazy and i dont have the drive.#which almost makes it worse bc im stading at this threshold of control where it destroys me but never actually succeeds in being a perfect#thing. which is def a distorted way to think about it but there u go. ugh. im just tired and my arm hurts too much to draw bc#im older and older everyday. and i dont wanna read papers. i dont wanna grade or work on my presentation. i didn't want to spend 3.5 hrs#doing transfers this morning. and my mom's been dead for 6months and 3 days now. and i still dont kno where ill be a year from now#unrelated
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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao
#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now#because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now#and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day#we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off#but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up#and this is also something that happens multiple times a day#like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god#but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach#'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit#and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good#his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before#also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career#opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc#and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now#i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma#and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own#it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down#about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life#and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done#and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this#that has been made PAINFULLY clear#ugh this is so fucking horrendous#what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person#who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life#like explain it to me jfc
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The hurt on Army's face when Joe points out they're not dating and he doesn't have to explain anything to him when Army is trying so hard to be serious with him and to talk to him and to be openly communicative and to make this serious but Joe is, I'm starting to strongly suspect, asexual and has never had a relationship last after that and has just given up on it. But Army is trying so hard and Joe is so unsure and I just want them to talk.
#armyjoe#army x joe#the warp effect#gmmtv#thai drama#thai series#thai ql#thaiql#ql drama#ql series#ugh i am dying#this show will destroy me#truly deep and truly chaotic#how do they do it?
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regarding my last reblog genuinely i think the reason why people are able to take creek and bunny and make them very much ugu kya !! >< ships is because there is not a Big Contestant against them.
that isnt a bad thing but i think it means that people dont have to think as hard about them in a grander scale? i rarely see character analysis for those ships (bunny gets it sometimes which i appreciate seeing) because they just Are Canon (or are so fanon-loved that theyre basically canon)
style and kyman are ships that people have been Fighting over for 20+ years, because a lot of people arent multishippers, and a lot of kyman shippers were seen as bad by style shippers (and the wider fandom in general) for a very long time/some still have that viewpoint.
so the people who make fic content have this... like need to prove why their ship is worthy? which means adding extra complexity and over analyzing canon and digging into their minds a lot more. idk this might not make perfect sense but i think that the Fight for supremacy has bolstered both ships into being fucking Fascinating from a development standpoint.
and this also applies to kenny/butters/tweek/craig rarepairs. they have to be Compelling and Evidenced in order to have a footing against creek and bunny. but no one is trying to actually FIGHT creek and bunny (good! leave them alone) so those writers don't have to overthink making their stuff deep and compelling. they have the freedom to go ugu kyaaa as much as they want because its the canon/basically canon ship and people will eat it up anyways.
#pine prattles#once again i do Not Dislike creek or bunny. i just dont particularly ship them#but i am not gonna go up and tell anyone 'hey ur stinky' for it. i am not starting the wars#i am also an extreme multishipper so sometimes i pepper creekbunny into my backgrounds#for fun. for flavor.#THIS ALSO ISN'T TO SAY THERE ISNT COMPELLING CREEK OR BUNNY CONTENT#i just think that they have the freedom/comfort to make more happysilly fluff for themselves#because no one is going to bitch at them for it#a creek shipper doesnt have to fight to say their stuff is good and has evidence#but like. staig shippers get fucking destroyed for not having canon evidence#i also dont think theyre 'basic' or anything. literally they are just ships#i think that there is occasionally an inherent guilt when making like just. comforting silly stuff of other ships#because there will always be people who show up and go ugh this isnt 'ship' and it isnt compelling#but like. idk. let people do whatever. have fun!#i am only taking this from the study of Why creek and bunny get characterized so...#traditional yaoi or unbothered sweethearts or#whatever. i also think a lot of creek content is ooc bc they will just start shaving tweek down into the perfect uke#and im so sleepy
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You ever watch the most gut wrenching episode of television and feel so devastated and also so fulfilled because like the acting and cinematography was so good that now you're devastated but you're also like now I get to analyze the hurt for 49+ hours
#why yes i did just watch#red rover red rover#the mentalist 4x23#the mentalist#and i am mentally UNWELL#simons acting in this episode is just so beyond#ugh this man UNDERSTOOD the assignment and beyond#the assignment was to emotionally destroy me#that ending scene i have so many thoughts and i hust have so much to process#but like to yall just remember every now and then like how fucking powerful patrick jane is#like we are all just lil marionettes#well not everyone but oof its just soooo good#slaps shows hood “this boy can hold so much trauma”#anyway im off to scream into the void#or just stare i havent decided#Patrick jane
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how're u feeling?? w the twin leaving AND the imaginiary that's lots of stuff
in TOTAL disrepair
#/lh#its okay ill just call my twin and annoy the shit out of them until i get all my twin fuel back#imaginary is kicking my ass a little bit#but. im not going to destroy myself over this chapter so im going to take my time. even. if that means. itll be. ugh. a little late.#tbf tho my chapters are super uber duper long. so. no need to be hard on myself#my asks#imaginary#i finished some courses and am no longer working at second job#so now i just have to balance lab work and different courses#which. is not necessarily easier but itll be a change of pace#i should be able to find some good time to work on imaginary tomorrow
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this broke me
#Till the End of the Moon#I am not ok#Luo Yunxi#like fuck this Devil God#TTJ's life was a living hell because of the fate Devil God chose for him. Why would TTJ do him the favor and give him his body???#ugh so depressing#kick his ass and destroy the origin of the evil bone yesterday#like my actual disbelief at how cruel this is but what to expect from the Devil God#Like TTJ was fighting the whole nurture vs nature thing but fuck turns out his whole life was fated! that's so horrifying#and now he has to do everything to break out of this fate#episode 34#Cang Jiumin#excuse my bad quality screenshots#spoiler#that sweet sweet suffering
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#hello i just found out my dad might be getting another divorce and he's not telling me :))))#he might be already separated from his wife living back in my hometown with who knows who :))))))))#so he left a woman who he has cheated with on my mom and basically destroyed whole family :))))))))))))))#i don't have any reliable sources for this ans I can't ask him but it is eating me inside#and I had my suspicions since Christmas but I just thought they are having some tough period#so whenever I called him I tried to check of everything is okay and everything seemed okay#and I just hope they're still maybe just going through something but they will end up back together again#and i won't know because we don't talk about our problems in my family you need to be always happy#and god forbid you bother someone with your problems#i am sorry of this is too personal but it's making me freak out a little bit#i just can't stop thinking about it#and is it bad that I actually feel sad that I won't ever see his cats again if his wife keeps them?#ugh how the fuck can you divorce twice in your life?????#and does this mean that I also have some fucked up genes in me????#i was kinda hoping he would come to visit me for my birthday because I don't want to be alone but I doubt it will happen now#i just miss him and i want that he's hapy#okay that's enough i just needed to get this out of me#have a wonderful day everyone I'm going to take a shower because I ran 5km today so at least that's something positive
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"The last living member of Clan Wren."
"Her family?"
"Were all lost, sadly."
#the parallel? i am UNWELL#sabine wren#star wars#star wars rebels#star wars ahsoka series#clan wren#spoilers#ahsoka series spoilers#warning spoilers#when sabine says 'the empire wanted to destroy worlds and they did they destroyed mine' just for her to get her family back after fighting#so long just to lose them again all at once#and i'm imagining how she would feel knowing she also created the weapon that almost wiped them out that the first time#and feeling so guilty and that she deserved it#and then after the ghost crew split up with ezra gone and hera and zeb away so she lost both families??#violently sobbing#the FORESHADOWING FROM REBELS UGH
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So, I'm reading the first PJO book right. Between
"What is my destiny?" "You shall fail to save what matters most, in the end."
"May the fates forbid that the gods should ever suffer such a doom, or that we should ever return to the darkness and chaos of the past. All we can do, child, is follow our destiny." "Our destiny...assuming we know what that is."
I'm like. God I really was always going to love it
#Also it's so mk core#really that's why I'm posting about this. that second quote is MK to a T#''may the fates forbid that the gods should ever suffer such a doom'' :(#''chaos of the past'' : (#It only goes so hard to me because the line ''they will destroy you harbinger of chaos'' echoes in my head at all times#''Until I know what I am—what my destiny is? I can't risk hurting the people I care about. The one's I have left'' like UGH#pjo#pjo suffering#(<- my liveblog tag I guess!)#imp tag#fate vs freewill
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#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
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