#ugh god I feel old now
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Kristen shouldn’t be class president bc of the responsibility-? Guys, It’s such a nothing position that maybe lets you plan prom. What responsibility? I heard about class president like one time during junior year, they announced it on the loud speaker and then proceeded to never mention it again. It’s notoriously a nothing position with no power. Kids campaign by saying stupid shit like they’ll get Fetty Wap to preform or they’ll get the water fountains to have soda in them instead. Let miss Applebees pad out her transcript 👊
#granted this is aguefort and class president might become principal real quick but uhhhh#when the campaign started it had nothing to do with principal so I digress#I knew one of the girls that ran for it in hs. she won and when I tell you she never brought it up again lmaoooo#maybe it’s a bigger deal at other high schools idk I graduated 7 years ago 🤢#Jesus that’s.. six if I don’t count this year bc I graduated in June 2018#ugh god I feel old now#I graduated college a year and a half ago#buck wild how time passes#I’m gonna throw UP#fhjy#dimension 20
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(rant incoming)
#okay. let's process together#why did i feel so annoyed when my mom said that the pictures i was posting on insta looked a little boring?#(it's not like a picture of me it's just some book and crochet stuff(#but here's the thing. i have no idea how i'm supposed to do better than that#sometimes i'm actually enjoying myself on insta and othertimes i really feel like i am not cut out for it#cause if i'm taking a picture of something it's so people can see the thing i am taking a picture of#i 100 percent understand the mindset of wanting an aesthetic picture that looks really nice#but i usually don't know how to execute that#sometimes! but not always#usually not.#and like. in that case i would ask the people in my family who are actually good at this stuff for help?#but i want to be able to do it myself because i don't want them to have to do even more stuff for me#and yeah okay fine YES it is another taking up space thing#but like#ugh#i don't know how to fix this#instagram is kinda fun and cool but it's so not me when it comes to posts#i hate videos and pictures of myself#and visual art is not my thing#and i feel a little lost and confused and i just want people to read my book so i can make enough money that i don't have to get#a horrible normal job#and i don't want my stupid relatives to be right and i never wanted to do instagram in the first place#and the money i saved up from my old job is running out! and i'm a little scared!#and i have a wedding coming up#and stuff is just. ugh. it's not the worst but it sure ain't the best#probably i need to pray and ask God for help instead of posting on tumblr#(in my defense i wanted to process my emotions)#anyways if you made it this far pray for me?#i've been trying to not freak out about all of this for a while but it's kinda pushing its way out now#which i hate. it's just all a lot
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height chart for my main ocs ‒ i still need to draw their actual clothes, but i think this is worth sharing at this point
left to right: olivandre (oli) (they/them) cameron (they/any) jules (he/him)
#my art#artists on tumblr#oc art#oc: oli#oc: cameron#oc: jules#m: orig#m: htbi#gallery#polished#wet paint#its weird putting that in the polished AND wet paint tag but it. technically is??#its finished as a base ref but its also a wip bc im going to be doing other outfits... u know...#anyway rip to the outfits i already drew for oli & cameron that i gotta redo now bc i changed their bases lmao#at least jules was just a sketch until now so i didnt have to redo anything for him i just had to. actually finish it#his first ref since 2020. god. idk if i ever even posted that one. it was Not Good lmao#it wouldve been an improvement over his old 2017/2018 one if the hair hadnt been. the way it was#but whatever!! he has a shiny new ref now yayyy#idfk what other outfits to give him tho lmao he gets the same damn thing every time i draw him. boy what do you WEAR#honestly i STILL feel like i didnt get camerons face shape right UGH theyre so hard to draw & idk why#but like. whatever. maybe ill change it again later lmao but this is good enough for now#anyway yayyy posting art at 9:30pm (i could schedule it for tomorrow but i dont wanna)
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anyone else ever have this happen
#the other day someone was like 'waow your hair is getting so long' and i was like 'meh maybe its a little longer than how i keep it usually'#went looking for pics and brother. that shit has doubled in length. i had a(n unbleached) chin length bob last september#i also had yknow. parents last september and im going through memories on my phone and im just like. god fucking damn huh#do you ever look at old photos and think 'that is NOT the same person?' because i get that feeling when i see pictures of me as a kid#and i get this feeling of protectiveness and sympathy towards i dont know. pics i see of 7 year old me normally!#and now im getting that exaaact same feeling towards pics of... 23 yr old me. like... aw bud. jesus christ. Does He Know . png#i look haunted i look vexed in newer pictures. like the difference is there you can see it ugh ugh ugh. Anywayssss#my art
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hello chat i am going to be a hater in tags for a moment (jst finished natlan act IV)
#snobrambles#wow /neg#i heard the story was bad but WOWWW#hoyo you are lost potential the company#you took the topic of war and had so many different routes and perspectives to look into and you went with power of friendship#I KNEW IT WAS POWER OF FRIENDSHIP BC I HEARD MOOTS TALK ABOUT IT BUT I DIDNT THINK ITD BE SO ABRUPT?#im not even mad im just mildly annoyed#there were parts i liked like where youd see differences depending on what you decide to do#like chosing to save one or the other and seeing the consequences#i thought that was neat#other thing i liked was diff chars talking about how witnessing all this scarred them but. i wish they fed into that more#and actually SHOWED that feeling rather than just going “wow! so im traumatized now”#and dude you couldve done more with the ancient names and mauvikas past.#like you couldve at least made it so that the six heros reminded her of the people she knew#give us a bit of sorrow instead of her walking around imagining her old friends and smiling bc tbh that made me feel nothing#and god the six heros thing did not feel well earned#its yae all over again in the sense that it felt like everything got solved way too easily#like wtf were all those losses for. it felt pointless#paimon getting emotional and us probably seperating in the next act was somewhat intriguing#i feel nothing for any of the chars except kinich but thats bc i find him funny#ugh. this story couldve been so much better#war itself is such an interesting topic in stories and it has so much potential and they absolutely fumbled and flunked it#also chuychus death was so abrupt and chasca crashing out made me laugh. sorry. ik it was supposed to be sad but i felt nothing#she was holding back her inner alpha wolf THE GACHA ALLEGATIONS ARE NOT ENDING#i felt nothing most of the time#the only strong feeling i felt throughout the quest was annoyance (cough mainly bc of citlali cough)#dude even the fake sky part felt underwhelming#i dont like how they brought it up out of nowhere and then barely adressed it#“anomaly” ok. ig. so what was all that buildup abt the fake sky for. only to show it and then shove it under the rug#i have more thoughts but tumblrs going to eat my tags to tl;dr: (furina voice) BOOOOOORING
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never thought id understand finding an anime character cute until I watched this god forsaken anime and got hyperfixated on this stupid bitch that I hate
#im in hell#idk the context for the second gif i havent watched the last movie yet . i think hes missing kaworu . ugh freak#finn txt#shinji ikari#i hate that its shinji my brain chose to hyperfixate on and relate to heavily cuz now i have to fight wars on his behalf#me when the traumatized and mentally ill 14 year old acts like- oh my god it just feels like a personal attack on me doesnt it
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Only just noticed that since I came out, my FIL can't look me in the eye :)
#it's okay i don't mean to bash him or whatever#he needs time to adjust and move through his own feelings about it#but it still sucks lol#i feel like it's going to be awkward at every family thing for a while now#i'll probably get questions from the aunts. ugh.#every trans person should get a fucking medal for the patience we have to practice#i love being a god damned zoo animal#he's just an old conservative italian man of course he's going to have problems with me#the nice thing is that he's not saying anything
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the fact that i’m dramatic and delusional really isn’t helping my case at the moment… unfortunately the amount of times i’ve been in total and complete agony over a guy i was (what i considered to be) good friends with and he wanted nothing to do with me because he had a long term girlfriend is NOT zero. unfortunately this is not my first rodeo and i am kind of the worst person on the planet i feel sick
#three years ago i made a playlist and the cover is penny lane asking why doesn’t he love me#he’d been with his girlfriend long term and i fucked things up so severely that he called me a heartless piece of shit when he left for good#another one of the guys? the aforementioned band member LMFAOOOO when i say delusional i mean it#unfortunately i see myself falling into old patterns with my current thing and i’m really beating myself up over it right now#because jesus christ i really don’t want to fuck this up this time it’s too fucking important#now i’m doubting myself entirely because i’m such an idiot i’ve been this delusional and stupid over so much less before#god i feel so STUPID why do i have to be like thisssssss#all i’m doing is ruining my own life with this#is this love i feel actually thinly disguised self sabotage? to be seen. UGH!
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wish i was a witch for real that would be so badass. god i would do anything for a magic broom
#legitimately my biggest wish like if i found a genie thatd be the first thing id ask#id be like ok make me a witch i have to be able to use magic wands and make potions and have flying brooms and talk to cats#god. god. god. god. god. god. god. none of you understand how badly i wish i were a witch.#i wish i had a flying bbroom so bad like the rest of the stuff would be awesome too but magic broom is like number 1...........#god i want it so bad. i want it so bad im tearing up /srs#waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh waaaaaaaaaaaahhhh waaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaahahhhhhhhhhhhhh#i dont care about anything else i had a dream the other week that i had a magic broom#and what i did was fly out at night and overlook the forest where i grew up and then smoked hella weed up there#i was getting LITERALLY wizard high#i wish so badly i had a magic broom none of you could even understand how badly i want it#in the dream i also snuck out by just opening my window and taking flight........#i wish that was real. i cant leave the house undetected anymore i used to be able to in my old house but now i cant#i dont need it as much anymore so it isnt a very big problem but it still bums me out#if i had a magic broom none of that would matter........ i want one SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i wish i could lucid dream and then i could fly on a broom everyday all the time. UGH!!!!!!#seriously i want to be able to lucid dream...... if i could do that whenever i wanted i would be unstoppable#and also unwakeable. lol#i would never want to do anything else but at least i wouldnt need booze to make me not feel like shit so itd be better still -_-#me and madotsuki r holding hands btw were like the same exact person
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#tfw ur life has been so busy that u forgot that with a new school u have a new email to keep track of#and u forgot to hook it up to ur outlook so now u open it up and see emails from abt a month ago#telling u to do TA orientation stuff. uuuuuh oops#so i guess i have some bullshit to figure out tomorrow. also i should finalize my class sign up staff#stuff* bc when i was doing yhat my brain was on fire. also i should email my new boss. oh god. why didnt i check that email????#i dont even kno if im supposed to b a TA this semester??? i should just email the guy but also i dont wanna roll up like yo#im already damaged goods bc ive suffered a whole year in a state of burnout. also i fucked up my sign up process by not paying attention#but uh hi hello nice to meed u again for the 2nd time in my life. this is definitely not a bad omen for things to come#ugh. why have i done this to myself? i cant even call to try to fix anything until Monday. fuck.#but i mean. i cant b thr only one who's ever done this. so maybe itll b fine? hopefully?#but i wouldn't have this problem if id just fucking looked at my fucking email in the 1st place#i can already feel it. this is where the overlap starts. the overlap between my old lab and my new lab#will it tear me into pieces? perhaps. i have to shift into go mode. i cant b a sad sack anymore#ugh. im usually really good at being on top of stuff like this bc im such an anxious freak but here we r...#unrelated
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"if i finish this i will watch a horror movie" thing kinda backfired it's 9pm lmao
#will i still do it. yes. probably.#it would probably be more fun in the night too so yeah#but god fucking damn it can i please just finish this thing#i cant even be properly mad at myself because ive been Actually Working in these last days lol#at last!!!#it feels like i can actually finish the whole thing next week :')#i started this at the beginning of September goddddddddd 😭😭#if i took it more seriously from the start it would've been done by now lol#but i guess at least im making progress#i am kinda getting nervous thinking abt deadlines and actually applying even tho i still have like a month for one school#and 2+ months for others lol#there's one in italy that's earlier than that but not sure if i wanna go for that one tbh so........ idk#but since it's wayy cheaper and i dont have many cheap options and i fear the same thing (aka not being able to go bc#of money) will happen again this year lol#so yeah just. not sure in general.#if i think too much about any of this i start to question everything anyway lmao so i shouldnt <3#i gotta visit my old uni to talk abt some letters too which i Know for a fact they would write#but it's so nerve wracking to think about butttt i gotta do it this week/early next week so.....#(this week means actually the next week in this case i guess lmao since it's friday rn)#bc they said 2 weeks notice sooooo im guessing that would be okay but u knowwwwwww ugh#okay. my goal is to just do this thing today#then finish the whole project tomorrow#then do the other readjustments for the other projects in a few days hopefully#then go to school#yeah. doable. perfectly doable#i gotta arrange the (redacted) and (redacted) meetings too lol buttttt yeah#🗒#wow i didnt intend to write this much tbh anyway
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fermented mares milk in mongolia............... im being normal...........................................................................
#ive been wondering what to do with my own milk for ages. well. i havent needed to answer that question since it keeps disappearing#side eye emoji. but like. actually this is a fantastic idea. my milk tends to sort of be an extension - oh! you still have it! now i get it#back......... im not. ok. this stuff is so old this has got to be disgusting. wow. this stuff progresses weirdly#theres. ok. so its definitely....... fermented but it feels so weirdly fucking clean. it has like no smell. this is#Im just gonna not play it down: it feels like saint bodies that dont decay because of their holiness in that this feels like its come from#god. which is a little..... both reassuring and the worst thing bc i hate being right and hate being anything but a - whatever#i gotta grow out of self hatred. if we actually controlled the process of fermentation this could really work#because as i was saying - it tends to be an extension of me and Madness mostly in that it can change purpose in line w my programming#even when its inside you. While its still milk its - WHY did you sip it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#jesus CHRIST. that paralysis is so strong i fucking felt it in my own body holy SHIT#ok. post over for a second#~abyssal murmurs#milk //#just gonna have to make a tag for that i am actually struggling to move my physical body lmfao ugh god i need to rescue you from#paralysis now
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Oooohh i have a request!:
Playing “never have i ever” or something like that with logan and wade (maybe along the lines of a boring friday night with nothing else to do) and you admit to never having an orgasm by anyone but yourself
Flash forward you’re in logan’s arms and wade is eating the fuck out of your pussy, and then they switch 👀👀
i’ve written something similar two the second part here, but i love the never have i ever idea! // divider from @strangergraphics
boredom isn’t something heroes are used to. there’s always something happening somewhere, someone needing to be saved. but tonight, everything is quiet. the three of you were suspicious at first, but you checked every police scanner, news outlet, and all of your contacts and came up with nothing. the bad guys had decided to take an evening off, and now you were stuck with nothing to do.
you, wade, and logan all sit around in the living room with bottles of beer. you and wade stare at the mindless gameshow on tv while logan rests his eyes. you’re definitely bored, but wade is restless. it’s like he’s itching for something to do, like his body is physically unable to handle the inactivity.
“why don’t we play a game?” wade asks, startling logan awake.
the two of you look over at wade. “what kind of game?” you ask.
“i don’t know, ‘never have i ever?’”
logan rolls his eyes, then shuts them again. he’ll deny any “old man” comments, but he really is one. you elbow logan in the side and he opens them again.
“come on, it’ll be fun,” wade pleads.
“it’s not like we have anything better to do,” you say to logan. reluctantly, he agrees.
you reposition yourselves in the living room. you sit on the couch, leaned against the arm with your feet in logan’s lap, who sits on the other end. wade sits on the floor by the coffee table, his beer on the table without a coaster next to him.
“this is your game, wilson. you start,” logan says before taking a sip of his beer.
“no, don’t drink! you only drink if you’ve done the thing i say,” wade scoffs. how can logan be so old and still know nothing about fun? “okay, okay. never have i ever… gotten arrested.”
you furrow your eyebrows at him while logan takes a drink. you’re almost certainly wade has been arrested before. “i don’t think you’re playing this game right,” you say. “you have to say things you’ve never done.”
wade scoffs. “i haven’t been arrested, thank you very much. all the cops who’ve tried have mysteriously ended up with broken noses.”
you roll your eyes at him. “my turn now? never have i ever… cheated on a partner.”
both of them take drinks, wade with more shame than logan. ugh, men.
then it’s logan’s turn. “never have i ever worn a dress.”
you figure it’s targeted at you, just because logan’s a dick, but to your surprise, wade drinks too. logan raises his eyebrow at him, silently urging him to elaborate.
“you wish you saw that, huh, peanut?” he taunts instead. logan makes a face at that.
“i’m thankin’ god i didn’t have to.”
you play a couple more rounds, all three of you exchanging stories and sipping from your bottles. it takes a lot to get them drunk, but you’re starting to feel it. there’s a collection of empty bottles, mostly beer, but halfway through the game, wade decided to up the ante with some liquor.
it’s wade’s turn again and he says, “never have i ever been with two guys at once.”
he means it as a joke. he doesn’t expect anyone to drink. there’s no way logan would do something like that, and you’re too innocent. that’s why his eyes practically pop out of his head when you throw back the shot.
the game turned sexual a few rounds ago, but it was pretty mild stuff. talk about doing stuff in public, kinks, freaky shit like that. nothing as interesting as this.
both wade and logan turn their full attention to you, eager to hear this story.
“what?” you play dumb.
“two guys at once?” wade asks. you shrug.
“it wasn’t anything.”
“nah,” logan says, sounding interested for the first time all game. “you gotta tell us.”
you sigh. “it was a while ago. i met this couple at a bar and they said they were looking for a third. i had nothing better to do and they were both hot, so…” you trail off, shrugging again.
“give us the gory details. how’d you do it? daisy chain?eiffel tower? double cowgirl? triple spooning? come on, tell us,” wade rambles.
“you’re a fucking perv,” you tell him and he doesn’t deny it. “it was just normal dp.”
logan raises an eyebow. “that stands for double penetration,” wade tells him.
“i know that. i’m just wondering how you took it all,” logan says.
you’re used to this kind of talk from wade. the man thinks with his dick so much that you question if he even has a brain. you’re not, however, used to this from logan. he’s no prude, but he usually doesn’t participate in these kinds of conversations with wade.
“must’ve been a tight fit,” logan adds on.
you look between the men and their interested faces. you’re still pretty bored, the game having grown stale a while ago, and now you’re a tipsy. you want something exciting and right now, you’re feeling bold enough to persue it.
“do you wanna see?” you ask them.
wade and logan share a glance, but it only takes a second before they’re replying “yes” in unison.
#logan howlett#logan howlett x reader#wade wilson#wade wilson x reader#wolverine x reader#wolverine#deadpool#deadpool x reader#wade wilson smut#wade wilson fanfic#wade wilson fanfiction#logan howlett smut#logan howlett fanfiction#logan howlett fanfic#wolverine fanfiction#wolverine smut#wolverine fanfic#wolverine x deadpool#deadpool fanfic#deadpool fanfiction#deadpool smut#deadpool x wolverine#deadpool & wolverine#deadpool x reader x wolverine
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I randomly looked thru all my random sketches/unfinished wip files and I'm just mentally shaking past Catie like "WHY DIDNT YOU FINISH THESE!?"
#ugh theres a few i really want to finish#bcs i think the sketches are genuinely rly goor#<- not a brag. when i sketch or finish art i tend to hate it at first glance but come to love it after a period of time#so im looking at these like huh why did i think these were just nonsense/bad#but god its so hard to jump back into an old project#cause yeah the sketch looks good but its probably so far removed from my current level of skill#theres one i almost just wanna post the sketches of it and be done with it#bcs ive thought abt it so long and i go look at it longingly like every week#but its one of those things where you feel like even if you finished it +#it either wont look good as it does in your head or its not as dynamic/passionate as the og sketch yknow?#my drawing files are just a weird mix of being an absolute graveyard of sketches but also are next to my masterworks 😭#i think its good for your brain to sketch and you dont have to 'finish' everything you ever start#<- but at the same point theres some wips that make me groan bcs i reallt want them to be finished#oh chair wip i think i might have to re-sketch you if i ever wanna finish you. even tho ive really warmed to the original sketches </3#well ah anyways i think maybe matador seb will be my next thing#i wanna draw chibis again too i think#i drew them too much for a while and felt like i was losing my painting abilties#and now i only paint 💀 so its so ?????#catie.rambling.txt
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i just want to stop feeling suicidal so constantly and i want to stop having my paranoia spirals and i want to have peaceful sleeps without night terrors and i want to feel safe in my body and in my own space and i want to eat and i want to not be so overwhelmed by my psychosis and i want to be over everything that kennedy did to me but i also really wish i could contact him again so i could deck him in the fucking face and then i call c and ask her what the fuck why the fuck did she do that and beg beg beg my family to leave the church that is so clearly harming them and dooming them to tragedies.... and so on...
#why did i write about that pregnancy why did i use my abuse for an assignment why did i delve into these memories such a mistake#whenever i remember it happened im like oh my god i could have had a 9 year old maybe i did want to be a mother#maybe i am suffering now bc i was supposed to be doomed to the same narrative like most women in my community#like maybe it was a fluke that i got here bc i don't fit in i hate myself so much i feel like everyone hates me and wants me dead and gone#if i knew any of their numbers still i would ask for ativan again i cannot fucking sleep my anxiety is never ending#i cannot tolerate the weight of the emotions i want to be numb i want to be high i want to be dissociated again#i broke out of my constant dissociation and now im here and i can feel my feet on the ground and i am living pov and it hurts so bad#i want to be in the arms of my best friend i want to be on her floor stroking the fuzzy carpet while we eat penne together#ever since she came back into my life i am so happy i have that anchor again but oh my god it makes me realize how distant i am from everyo#and how little i trust#i also miss my other best friend that i never get to see but i want to hug them tightly and we never have enough time w each other but ever#moment is so vivid and strong and they make me feel so alive and aware of the world we are in and its such a blessing that they decided to#talk to me the day they did and the friendship that came after like idk#i dont have many close friends but oh god the few i have i love th#them so much and they make life worth living but ugh yeah im fighting voices and spirals and theres a lot happening inside#ill be fine i have a lot of feelings my life is nonstop chaotic bc i have 5 bpd/bipolar women in my family and all emotionally absent men a#and our narratives weave together so close so tightly i cannot separate myself but i want to but can i? do i want to?#ezra.txt
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i am so fine—
#did i just read an almost 3000 page epub in like a week?? 😭😭😭#i feel sad but also happy#can't believe the books that helped me escape when i was 15 years old are STILL helping me escape when im 21#i feel like im hugging my 15 year old self the girl who went to the library to get the book#and finished one in a day from afternoon to night#and the girl who used to stay up all night reading when her siblings slept and then used to silently cry over character deaths#and then next day would tell her friends all about it#like.#hey kid. it's gonna go all downhill from there and i am definitely not who you thought i would be#maybe you wouldn't understand but i hope you will be happy that im trying#ugh god i miss my childhood home my room so much i can see it now even tho it's been 6 years#the bed the ceiling with faded glow in the dark stars the mirror placed too low that we outgrew so we couldn't even see our face in it#well.#mann trust cassie clare books to make me feel all emo and nostalgic on a random monday afternoon
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