#ugh I want my therapist back
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After that argument w my mum, and watching music videos of female pop stars in the early 00’s including P!nks Stupid Girls thinking about internalised misogyny but also where she was coming from with that song was right it as an outrage of how the world is set up for women to be praised for acting one day, but it was cruelly misdirected to women not understanding other women instead of the social pressures that reduce and push women to a stereotype - how unfair it was so many girls and women got made fun of and mocked by that song and video once again women having to answer for and appease too many people at once and thinking about how I criticise women a lot but because I want better for us, because I’m so concerned with women and womens issues and how much I love and care about women I think I’m realising womens relationships to other women or at least in my experience and with feminism is we have such high stakes in our relationships with each other that we are hardest to each other and most frustrated with each other because of it. Because we require more from each other since we don’t share the burden of gender oppression with men, in other women we are forced to see a reflection of ourselves, in ideas and portrayals of womanhood also. Women are not hardest on themselves, we are hardest on each other (?)
Does anyone know any essays or writers who have similar outlines and discussed a similar train of thought? I’d really like to read around this
#why I’ve always found men easier bc I have no stakes in them being bad#when you have no expectations you can’t be hurt#but you can’t not have expectations when you have so much invested#in women#in your mother#ugh I want my therapist back
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#my depression is slowly getting worse again#like the suicidal ideation is kinda back but in a really vague way#idk it's whatever#but I just keep thinking abt how like. ugh idk how to put it. words are hard#a lot of people are like 'I didn't kill myself bc I thought of how sad my mum would be' or whatever#and like. that's never really what held me back?#not bc I was convinced that everyone would be happier without me#but bc I'm like. why would they care? it's so egotistical and self obsessed of me to think that my death would have any kind of major impact#on anyone else. like. no one cares that much abt me#and also like. what's kept me from actually attempting is the thought of like. how fucking embarrassing it would be to fail#like god. I'd have to talk to my parents and my brothers abt feelings and shit#that's awful I don't want that#it's bad enough that they know I'm trans#that's already more information abt me than I ever wanted them to have#ugh. I should talk to my therapist abt these intimacy issues shouldn't I.#it's just. I don't like it. it makes me so uncomfortable
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#negativity cw#mother mention cw#I’ve been in a funk since visiting my parents this weekend#And my mom ranted about my dad and her potential plans for divorce#It’s not the only reason I’m upset#I’ve got feelings about my job performance and my social life which aren’t helping#But being reminded of their marital woes feels like it’s brought everything else up#Half of me wants to ask my mom to not bring it up again#Which I know is a reasonable boundary to ask#But I’m afraid of the repercussions#She’ll respect it#But she’ll respect me less#Which should be okay since I’m an adult#But my mom is my closest confidante (which goes back to the friends thing)#I don’t have too many close friends irl#And even if that weren’t the case#I don’t want to poison the well#ugh#I really really really wish she hadn’t told me#She talked about how she’s glad in this country you can ‘take a man to the cleaners’#And she’s keeping her cards close to her chest so he doesn’t ‘hide the money’#And I know his behavior and inaction are largely responsible for the breakdown of the marriage#But now I feel like I’m betraying him by keeping quiet about it#And I can’t tell my dad because I don’t know if he would keep it to himself if push comes to shove#And it would nuke my relationship with my mom from external orbit#I have to spend Wed evening and Thurs with my parents#And I’m thinking of telling her tonight I don’t want to hear any more about it#We’ll have to see how it goes#But I can’t handle this tension#if she wants to vent about it she can talk to her friends or a therapist or a lawyer or whatever
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#ugh ok I’m feeling really negative about work but#I think this one challenging student sitch (which is more about the mom than the kid) is really getting under my skin#and then is making me make worse decisions in other areas of the work bc I’m like trying to rush things to get dealing with this over with#my therapist would say this is my Fear of Emotional Engulfment causing me to avoid/deflect/try to escape the situation#i just have a hard time not taking work stuff deeply personally#but like ok what is the very worst possible outcome?#it’s that I can’t figure out this student sitch and this company doesn’t hire me again next summer#which doesn’t seem that likely as they’ve been super supportive and have had my back when this mom is crossing boundaries#but if it DID happen - could I survive it?#absolutely. there are one million jobs out there like this and my old coaching company has already said they’d take me back anytime#and I might not even want to work a second job next summer!#so I want to work this week on just really consciously relaxing about work#the emotional stuff is like purely me reacting to someone else’s intense out of control insecurity/anxiety#so that’s what I need to work on managing - just like calming myself down and reminding myself that it is NOT my responsiblity#to soothe this woman’s big feelings & fears#I wonder if there are some common threads here with the other work situation#like I wonder if I’m making things worse in the dynamic by the way I fearfully react to it#when anyone else in this situation would just be like wow. well that person seems like a lot#but not internalize it?? idk
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#when im extra depressed i watch old yt compilations#this week is critical role moments#and ugh. Ugh#i always forget how mf touch-starved and affection-starved i am until i watch those 8 interact w each other#like. always touching. so much touching#i havent had a cuddly / touchy friend in like 6+ years and i am Suffering for it#like as much as w any other people im v touch-averse and dont want that at all#when it comes to friends i am extremely pro touch and genuinely love being affectionate#and i Can't#and sometimes that sucks ngl#no shade to my friends who aren't comf w that obviously#that's 100% gr8 and i would never push or wanna make them uncomf lots of ppl dont like that#i just. used to always have at least 1 friend who /was/ okay with it that i could be as cuddly as i wanted with#and now i dont and it ??? is getting to a point where it is almost painful#like str8 up i've had to talk to my therapist abt this the last 6 months bc its becoming a bit dire#hugs r wonderful dont get me wrong but thats the max amount of touch for my ok-with-touch friends#and the rest r no-touch#whereas im sitting here like 😭😭😭 PLS I JUST WANNA HOLD SOMEONE'S HAND#OR LEAN MY HEAD ON SOMEONE'S SHOULDER OR HAVE AN ARM AROUND A WAIST OR A HEAD IN A LAP#OR STR8 UP SNUGGLIN ON A COUCH#I DESPERATELY NEED IT#ANY OF IT IT DOESNT NEED TO BE ALL OF THAT#I FEEL LIKE I AM SHRIVELLING UP LIKE A SENTIENT RAISIN INSIDE#JUST HAVIN ALL THE LIFE SUCKED OUT OF ME THRU LACK OF TOUCH#I WANT SOMEONE TO RUFFLE MY HAIR OR PAT MY ARM OR KISS MY CHEEK#HELL I'LL TAKE A HAND ON MY BACK PURELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF STOPPING ME FROM WALKING INTO TRAFFIC#WHICH AT THIS POINT I AM TEMPTED TO DO DUE TO EMOTIONAL DISTRESS LMAO (DEVASTATED LAUGHTER)#aiyaiyai and i cant even just go and Make New Friends bc most spaces to do that arent accessible or safe for me#the only friends i've made in the last few years r thru Mutual Autism Vibes~ and they're all anti-touch#WHERE R THE OTHER TOUCH-STARVED CUDDLY AUTISTICS AT ??? WHERE R U ??? COME FIND ME PLS I BEG !!! i feel like im gonna die fr
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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it’s contemplating if i should change my major even though i’m graduating in december hours….. again
#it’s like. ugh. okay so psychology is interesting but i don’t work well with people but i find things so fascinating and i just want to#do a bunch of experiments and research but to do that takes like a doctorates and shit and also idrc abt most psychology i’m specifically#interested in sex so like maybe i should switch to a different science for that but like i’m v interested in gender/sexuality n shit#which u wouldn’t really get w like bio but i don’t particularly want to be working with people all the time u know? like being a#sex counselor or a therapist that specializes in gender-related shit would be interesting but like idk i just want to become an expert#and write one million papers but ough a doctorates needed for that and it’s hard to find a doctoral program that specializes in sexology#like the ones i have found require a masters and i did find a masters i’m really interested in but also going straight for#a doctorate would be faster and i love speed but idk#my main issue is that i have so many interests and i believe i can be good at any of them but idk what i want to commit to u know#bc i am an academic at heart i do want to write a lot of papers and do studies and make moves in whatever field i choose but also i want#to draw pictures all day and take photos and shit but ugh art doesn’t make money :/#idk#but i mean like i’ve said before i can always drop out of school and become a professional clown <-kinda considering doing that#after i graduate and pushing my masters back a bit for it but idk. probs not bc of certain life shit but it’d be fun
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oh wow very upset right now lol
#finally had the energy and courage to call my therapists office to set up an appointment after 2 years#after emailing w mt old therapist to make sure it was ok#and they just. told me no#and i got so overwhelmed bc that’s not how i thought the phone call would go#which btw#i haye phone calls. they make me so anxious i feel sick.#so even calling and not hanging up when i got the robot answering machine or was on hold twice was good for me#anyways#i got so upset i was in complete silence after she said no#that when she asked if i wanted to set one up w someone else i just went i’ll call back later#and said goodbye and hung up#and just burst into tears#bc fuck! fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!#if i had jsut not stopped going and i had taken my meds and i wasn’t a fuck uo i’d be fine i wouldn’t even need to make an appointment#ugh.#ok.#whatever i’m fine#rant over sorry if u read this LMFAO
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venting so much i ran out of tags lmao
#i think im hallucinating ?????#i have my headphones on (listening to boyfeel on repeat n choppin up some paper)#and keep feeling / seeing shadows in my peripheral vision#im probably just dehydrated and having bad floaters but i dont like it :)#today has also been bad dramatically awful#life isn't serious there's no reason to feel this heavy#oop very emo thoughts incoming#life can't be meaningful or ill miss my parents too much but can't be meaningless or im living without them for nothing#im just. struggling very hard this year. idk#i had so much health bullshit going on for months that i put off going to a psych n now im so busy that it feels bad taking time off for it#and im also scared of getting on meds bc the idea of being dependent on something that i might not have access to is.. auuughhh#idk dude my adhd has been debilitating lately and i feel so stuck and sometimes i think i have ocd bc my compulsions are so fucking bad and#all my mental bullshit with my breathing has slowly been driving me wild and peaks my anxiety#and sometimes i worry abt being bipolar bc my mom's mom is and my mom's best friend told me she thought my mom might have been#bc the way my moods are so low or so high is exhausting it feels like i haven't had a “normal” day in so long#but also atp when im happy i feel manic bc idk how to healthily experience happiness anymore#idfk y'all !!!! im also very nonverbal these days#ugh and still going back n forth on telling my therapist ive been suicidal again bc i dont want him to have to report me or anything idk#a few months ago i made a joke about offing myself and he got rly serious n said he'd have to take action if im serious so im leaning no#like. i wouldnt actually kill myself. i just don't want to exist sometimes in this life#its just been very very very very very very very very very very very very very very hard lately without my parents or grandma#and even after all these years it's still heartwrenching to think about continuing to live this life without them#like. i just want to make them laugh. i just want to feel their arms around me in a warm hug. i just want to dance to their favorite songs.#i don't want to think of them and see their dead bodies anymore. i want to remember them healthy and smiling.#i would take care of them again in every lifetime but fuck dude. i just want to remember their good days instead of the end. can i please#please fucking invision them at their best. i want to remember the dad that played baseball and video games and whose laugh filled the room#i want to remember my grandma who was so sassy but kind. whose button nose crinkled when she smiled. who taught me to happily be dramatic#i don't want to remember them being frail. i want to forget the frustration i saw in their eyes. i want to forget seeing them struggle#(insert sadness about not remembering my mom at all)#just. fuck dude. my life is simple and i am safe so i shouldn't complain. but things feel so fucking hard sometimes. i feel so heartbroken
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reminder to do the things you need to do but dread bc the procrastination dread will just make things so much worse and if you procrastinate everything anxiety inducing you'll end up a sad shut in :)
#this is a reminder for myself#who used to be a sad shut in#anyway i checked my voice mail and called back an occupational therapist who will be visiting my house in a couple weeks :/#yay i was so brave but also ugh i don't want a stranger coming to my home
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I am so fucking miserable
#i cant keep living like this#i want to sh so bad rn#dying would solve all my problems#the problem is my top and probably most lethal method could result in like lost limbs if i fail#the more and more desperate i get though the less i care because i just need it to work#i can't do that to my family tho. they would be sad.#im such a burden on them tho#my depression is getting so bad that i can barely even function#i often feel the need to like escape whatever situation im in#it feels like the only way to stop feeling so miserable is to die#i can't take this anymore#43 days self-harm free but i could really use the distraction and the pain right now#ugh maybe my therapist was right when she mentioned going back to the hospital#at least then i wouldn't be expected to do all these things and act normal#i feel like i need to get through this weekend and then if im still feeling this way and insurance hasnt approved the ketamine#then i should consider hospital#but i have to go to philly for my twin sister's graduation. i am so happy for her and all but it's just going to be really hard#with how I've been feeling lately in addition to how graduation just reminds me of all my failures#i was supposed to graduate last weekend. my sister and i were supposed to graduate at the same time#all my friends are graduating too#and im as depressed and hopeless as ever#i dont know what to do#im going to ruin everything if i go but my sister will be upset if im not there#i just dont think i can handle being in philadelphia all weekend
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#listen. sometimes. when i get emails pertaining to a specific project i worked on that nearly broke my brain. i just stop what im doing#and start playing Losing My Religion by REM. and i wish the person emailing me could see me face down at a table listening to thay song#mostly its fine. its just when someones trying to manage the data files so i kno im gonna have to go back thru and update my code#for a bunch of tiny stuff and its like: does this sound ok? and i just dont care so much that i want to start screaming#and then at the end of the day i hike up a fucking mountain going over what im gonna tell a therapist when my insurance switches#and im gonna say it in a way thats v calm and agreeable but i want to scream and tear my hair out. or maybe i wont b agreeable. i wasnt#last time i was in a therapist office but that guy deserved it and i wasn't being that bad#ugh. im just mad bc working on my stuff makes me so miserable that when i stop its like wow im no longer in agony. cool#coool. fun times. becoming increasingly apprehensive abt how im gonna try to b more healthy abt working while taking on triple#the responsibility with a phd project and being a student and being a TA. i mean. ill try but its gonna b fucking interesting#ugh. had to bust out the burnout playlist. which like. when u try to look at other ppls burnout playlists they all suck#theyre all like former gifted kid burnout Playlists and im like fuckkk offfff. why do u not have the incredibly specific vibes that im#looking for? i just demand the perfect burnout playlist and somehow nobody puts No Surprises on there#like what??? y not? its a song abt being so totally saturated that youve had enough. a heart thats full up like a landfill. a job that#slowly kills u. bruises that wont heal. how is it not THE burnout song? but whatever. i listen to too much radi0head.#ugh. but now my burnout playlist is becoming too much like my My Brain Doesnt Feel Too Good playlist#listen. i just need to curate playlist so that they can express the feelings for me#unrelated
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Therapists have two genders:
Professional Asshole and
Well-meaning Incompetent
#color says shit#text post#replying to my therapist is the most frustrating thing in the world. ma'am you think you're building rapport with me?#I hate to tell you but you've been wildly unsuccessful if that's what you think you've been doing here.#stop trying to educate me about my bullshit diagnoses that I already know about from my years on the internet.#like. babygirl I'm over here trying to build up to feeling comfortable enough to talk about the six-layer trauma cake I've got going on#and you're over here showing me a diagram consisting of two concentric circles meant to convey the idea of self versus other#you're very nice and trying to be helpful but I don't want to fucking talk about the girlfriend I want to talk about the issues that matter#girlfriend is an experiment. the other shit is stuff that lives in our fucking soul. shit that made me into the weird person fragment I am#and I had to fight for an hour. therapist kept on scheduling us for half an hour. HALF A FUCKING HOUR HALF AN HOUR ISN'T ENOUGH TIME TO TALK#I had to fight for it and even when she finally scheduled us for an hour she still tried to cut it short#I had to pull up the appointment confirmation to prove I had an hour allotted. like seriously what the fuck.#one of those people who had their own mental struggles and then is like “I want to become a therapist and help other people uwu”#and then is fucking useless and projects their own issues onto someone else and shoves their personal solutions onto you#like someone in r/aita projecting their own shitty relationship onto someone else. some of us are different Daryl#ugh I'm so fucking pissed and I'm not giving up the controller until I get this shit sorted out for now.#r wanted to hop back on this morning in the shower and we had a shouting match but our deal was she takes a week break so I'm keeping it#because too much shit has built up and she's been not doing so hot so I'm gonna get this mess cleaned up before I let her back on.#I bought groceries. I did laundry. I got the car repairs done. I got our bike fixed up. I showered. I did dishes. I'm going to#and I'm going to get even more done tomorrow. maybe then I'll go back to watching over her shoulder and backseat gaming but not for a while.#it feels nice though. like I get to finally stretch my arms and yawn real good.#and btw to answer the question she's always fucking asking. she's not ace in the slightest lmao. I am and the bleed over confuses her.#there. question answered so maybe she can stop asking about it.#I feel like in her push to find herself she kinda pushed me back into the corner. which... ngl that hurts a little.#oh well. you don't need to hear about our lovers' quarrel. I'm going to bed in these cozy fresh bed sheets I just put on the bed.
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trauma is so wild like what do you mean it’s been seven years. what do you mean it still makes me sick to my stomach. what do you mean this has forever changed how i view myself and my relationships with others. what do you mean that happened to me. what do you mean i can’t remember it. literally what. what do you mean i can never be normal about this now. what.
#i finally worked up to read the journal entries i wrote about this very specific trauma and i feel sick to my stomach over it#reading it like…that girl i was was real? she was real. i don’t remember her but she is me?#and i can feel myself regressing from it#i’m leaning back on those same coping mechanisms again and it’s…sigh#i just can’t believe it happened to me#and who would i be if that never happened to me?#how do i ever grow past it?#how will i ever be okay? how will i ever fully recover? can i fully recover?#last night was so rough for me when i finished reading those journal entries#i went into some weird manic state where i suddenly had to know everything about me during that time#i downed half a bottle of tequila and tore apart my room to find my old phone so i could read all my old texts from him and everything i#ever told anyone about him#i had to know#and i was listening to the playlist i made about it#it was just ugh#i never really worked through any of this like every therapist i’ve had i’ve skipped over this because i couldn’t face it#and now i want to face it and i don’t have a therapist anymore 🙃#this is entirely my fault for consuming a piece of media i KNEW would be triggering but thought i’d be immune but too bad now im in it#i just wish it never happened#it never should have happened#ugh#sorry#vent post#i’ll probs delete later#but for now i’ll throw it out into the void that is my tumblr feed#trauma
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Been feeling really fucking triggered for hours and I don't know how to deal with anything at the moment. Ugh. Why so many bad moments lately???
Also I recently (re-)realised that I keep randomly humming a song that I haven't heard in literal years. It was the only song my mother knew how to play on the piano and practised constantly. I haven't lived with her in over 5 years, though, and yet it's on loop inside my head at some point of practically every single fucking day of my life. Which doesn't have anything to do with why I'm triggered right now, but it's like. Why?!???!!?!?!?!!??!!
Brain stabbies bad bad bad bad bad bad I just want my mind to stop :((
#O-a-s gets personal#Vent#Trauma tw#I'm just gonna go to sleep I think#Hopefully tomorrow not every thought in my mind will be this dark#I have therapy soon but I don't know if my therapist is really going to help me with this and it's making me miss my old therapist rn#Ugh idk#I just want my sensations emotions and thoughts to shut up so I can go back to living my life#swearing tw#Sorry this makes no sense#My brain makes no sense tonight#/nm /nbh
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I'm so tired and I want to sleep but I can't because my brain has decided to remind me of every single bad thing to happen in my life ever
#(dont read the tags if you dont wanna see some examples)#realizing my granma is verbally abusive by her telling me ill die alone and unloved simply bc i didnt want to talk to her?#check!#almost losing my best friend to suicise?#being bullied in 2 out of three schools ive been to where the teachers did fuck all to help?#being overstimulated to the point of crying & neglected by a 'special needs class' that completely failed me in every aspect?#check!!#my special aids teacher (or wtv its called) telling me to go back to math class after a meeting with the school and my FUCKING THERAPIST#SPECIFICALLY ABOUT HOW STRESSFUL AND BAD FOR ME SEVERAL OF THE CLASSES ARE#PARTICULARLY MATH#i didnt even know she was supposed to aid me with anything!#i only ever saw her in a few classes#ya know#THE ONES SHE TEACHES#ugh#listen my life is hardly the worst#im fortunate in many aspects and im not gonna claim i have some big traumas or anything like that#but my life really sucks sometimes#even right now my life is almost completely stagnant#i havent been able to attend school for two fucking years and i quite literally only have consistent social interactions with my family#ya know. the people i live with. and who i see everyday.#my best friend of like fucking#7 years or something#ended our friendship months ago (amicably but still)#leaving my completely alone#ugh. sorry my heads a mess and im so so so tired. of everything. i just want to sleep and have my brain shut tf up#vent#personal
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