#ucsb life

[dancam]

2/15

[lewisvinga]

party in the u.s.a | logan sargeant x fem! reader

summary; thanks to his girlfriend, logan gets a peak into the average life of an american college student in a party school

fc; olivia rodrigo

note; ucsb is university of california, santa barbara, it’s a party school !!

masterlist !

liked by logansargeant, yourbsfusername, and 98,038 others!

yourusername: bf on summer break and semester is about to start soon, y’all know what that means? #UCSB 💙

tagged; logansargeant

yourbsfusername: UCSB CLASS OF 24 IS BACK BABY!

yourusername: READY FOR THE BEST SENIOR YEAR EVER!😫

logansargeant: finally going to experience the american frat life 🗣️

yourusername: gotta make sure my american boy gets an american college experience 😔

alex_albon: pls take care of the american boy he is quite fragile

yourusername: don’t worry🫡🫡

username: class of 24 is gonna go down in history!!

username: i knew there was a reason i went to ucsb

username: logan’s american gf being known for her college parties is so iconic

username: looking forward to the semester only for the parties tbh

logansargeant posted to their story.

liked by logansargeant, yourbsfusername, and 120,937 others!

yourusername; starting senior year w a banger

tagged; logansargeant, yourbsfusername, username, username

logansargeant: how do you guys do this every week i physically can’t

yourusername: babe, we go to a party school for a reason !!

yourbsfusername: still hungover but it was worth it🫡🫡

lilymhe: INVITE ME NEXT TIME 😫

yourusername: I WILL🙏🙏

username: i’m so glad i chose ucsb

username: y/n the goat of parties

username: still can’t believe i go to class w the y/n

username: perfect party for the class of ‘24 🫡

liked by yourusername, alex_albon, and 582,937 others!

logansargeant: it’s a party in the u.s.a

tagged; yourusername

yourusername: i came up w the caption guys 😁

logansargeant: very smart

yourusername: you loved the frat party, be honest now babe!!!

logansargeant: can’t hate them, you guys know how to throw parties 😫

alex_albon: the fishing picture, you are so american

logansargeant: 🫡🇺🇸

username: wtf is a kilometerrrrrr

username: such an american post

landonorris: AMERICAN BOY THROW US A FRAT PARTY!!

logansargeant: i think yourusername should throw it instead, a real college student

landonorris: yourusername what do you say 🤨🤨

yourusername: planning it now as we speak 😁

[thoughtlessarse]

More than half the world's population faces micronutrient deficiencies, including inadequate levels of calcium, iron, and vitamins C and E, according to a recent study that provides the first global estimates of inadequate consumption of 15 micronutrients critical to human health. Micronutrients are essential vitamins and minerals crucial for bodily functions such as growth, development, and immunity. Although the body needs these nutrients only in small amounts, deficiencies can have severe health consequences, ranging from adverse pregnancy outcomes and blindness to increased susceptibility to infectious diseases. Previous studies have measured the availability and consumption of micronutrients among populations across the world. However, the latest study conducted by a research team from Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, UC Santa Barbara (UCSB), and the Global Alliance for Improved Nutrition (GAIN) analyzed whether these intakes meet the recommended levels for human health. The researchers also looked at the specific deficiencies affecting males and females throughout different stages of life. The results were published in the journal The Lancet Global Health. "Our study is a big step forward. Not only because it is the first to estimate inadequate micronutrient intakes for 34 age-sex groups in nearly every country, but also because it makes these methods and results easily accessible to researchers and practitioners," said co-lead author Chris Free, research professor at UCSB in a news release. The study compared nutritional requirements with actual intake across populations in 185 countries using data from the Global Dietary Database, the World Bank, and dietary surveys from 31 countries. The researchers then grouped the population based on gender and divided them into 17 age categories, from newborns to those over 80, in five-year intervals. The micronutrients covered in the study are calcium, iodine, iron, riboflavin, folate, zinc, magnesium, selenium, thiamin, niacin, and vitamins A, B6, B12, C, and E.

continue reading

It doesn't help that crops contain less of these micronutrients thanks to modern agriculture and impoverished soils.

[cyberpilate]

True Stories from Comics Retail!

The year is... somewhere in the 2010s, I'm guessing. The place? Metro Entertainment, Santa Barbara's No. #1 Comics and Games store and here I am, working the register.

Now, please understand: the one thing I love more than anything in the world is recommending comics to people and, f I can allow myself a little sliver of pride, I think I'm pretty good at it. No complaints, yanno? There is literally nothing like showing a new fan or a new reader a comic book they never considered before and then BOOM - next week they're in for another one! I've made lifelong friends this way and it really warms up the soul.

So when this gorgeous woman, elegantly dressed and erudite, comes in and tells me that she just finished a class at UC Santa Barbara on comics and wanted to read more, I nearly vaulted over the counter to get her to our trade paperback shelves. She tells me she's read Sandman and my mind starts whirring with possibilities. We're looking for something with a high art quality, storytelling and myth, something dark and dreamy perhaps. I show her The Wicked + The Divine by Jamie McKelvie and Kieron Gillian and she shakes her head and says:

"No, I only read books by gay men."

This floors me. Wow! What a specific request! For the 2010s, mind you; it's not like I knew the personal love life of comic book authors at this time. Wracking my brain, I start to take her towards autobiographical comics, the only place I know where writers and artists had "come out of the closet", so to speak and she again says no.

"Books like Sandman!," she reinforces. So now I've practically blue screened thinking about who is a gay man in comics that writes dark fantasy?? I can't let her go with out a recommendation! She's so fancy! And she took a really rad course at UCSB and she wants to read them I can't gatekeep this young woman because *I* don't know enough about comics to know which gay men write dark fantasy-

-WAIT. Phil Jimenez! He was gay! And he was highly influential on Wonder Woman! (I just checked and no, the Omnibus hadn't come out by that time...) I think I have it!! Glowing with relief and pride, I take her over to the DC books and start explaining the mythological connections in Wonder Woman...

She interrupts me again. "No, books by <i>gay men</i>," she emphasizes.

That kinda puts me on the spot so I start to explain, "Well, Phil Jimenez is-"

"Like Sandman and the Graveyard Book, that author."

It hits me like a ton of bricks.

(Shout out to everyone who figured this out during the story - I am impressed by how incredibly smarter you are than like, 30 year old me)

"NEIL GUY-MAN," I say, totally pronouncing the man's name wrong to try and explain where I went wrong in this whole conversation. She does not agree with my pronunciation but I take her over to Murder Mysteries (when it was still in stock at Diamond, one of my most favorite short stories ever), the Sandman TPs, anything I can get my hands on. She does look them over, but doesn't want to buy anything and leaves me in my shame.

I guess I'm telling this story in hopes that Dark Horse puts Murder Mysteries back into print so I can sell the book to Good Omens fans and that maybe, just maybe, @neil-gaiman will forgive me for the butchering of his last name.

We can dream.

[jcmarchi]

Even the Oldest Eukaryote Fossils Show Dazzling Diversity and Complexity - Technology Org

New Post has been published on https://thedigitalinsider.com/even-the-oldest-eukaryote-fossils-show-dazzling-diversity-and-complexity-technology-org/

Even the Oldest Eukaryote Fossils Show Dazzling Diversity and Complexity - Technology Org

The sun has just set on a quiet mudflat in Australia’s Northern Territory; it’ll set again in another 19 hours. A young moon looms large over the desolate landscape. No animals scurry in the waning light. No leaves rustle in the breeze. No lichens encrust the exposed rock. The only hint of life is some scum in a few puddles and ponds. And among it lives a diverse microbial community of our ancient ancestors.

A soft summer evening in the Paleoproterozoic, as envisioned by DALL-E. Image credit: DALL-E, prompt by Harrison Tasoff.

In a new account of exquisitely preserved microfossils, researchers at UC Santa Barbara and McGill University revealed that eukaryotic organisms had already evolved into a diverse array of forms even 1.64 billion years ago.

The paper, published in the journal Papers in Paleontology, recounts an assemblage of eukaryotic fossils from an era early in the group’s evolutionary history. The authors describe four new taxa, as well as evidence of several advanced characteristics already present in these early eukaryotes. 

“These are among the oldest eukaryotes that have ever been discovered,” explained lead author Leigh Anne Riedman, an assistant researcher in UCSB’s Department of Earth Science. “Yet, even in these first records we’re seeing a lot of diversity.”

Eukarya forms one of the major domains of life, encompassing the plant, animal and fungi clades, as well as all other groups whose cells have a membrane-bound nucleus, like protists and seaweeds.

Many scientists had thought early eukaryotes were all fairly similar during the late Paleoproterozoic, and that diversification took place around 800 million years ago. But Riedman and her co-authors found fossils of a delightfully diverse, and complex, cast of characters in rock nearly twice as old.

Limbunyasphaera operculata is a new species that shows a small door opening into the cell. Photo Credit: Riedman et al.

Scientists knew from previous studies that eukaryotes had evolved by this time, but their diversity in this era was poorly understood. So Riedman headed to the Outback in late 2019. Within one week, she had collected about 430 samples from eight cores drilled by a prospecting company; they now reside in the library of the Northern Territory Geological Survey. The two cores used for this study spanned roughly 500 meters of stratigraphy, or 133 million years, with around 15 million years of significant deposition.

Riedman returned to the United States with shale and mudstone: remnants of an ancient coastal ecosystem that alternated between shallow, subtidal mudflats and coastal lagoons. A dip in hydrofluoric acid dissolved the matrix rock, concentrating the precious microfossils which she then analyzed under the microscope.

“We were hoping to find species with interesting and different characteristics to their cell walls,” Riedman said. She hoped that these features could shed light on what was happening within the cells during this time period. Reaching any conclusions about the cellular interior would require a great deal of sleuthing, though, since the fossils preserve only the exterior of the cells.

The researchers were surprised by the diversity and complexity preserved in these fossils. They recorded 26 taxa, including 10 previously undescribed species. The team found indirect evidence of cytoskeletons, as well as platy structures that suggest the presence of internal vesicles in which the plates were formed — perhaps ancestral to Golgi bodies, present in modern eukaryotic cells. Other microbes had cell walls made of bound fibers, similarly suggestive of the presence of a complex cytoskeleton.

The authors also found cells with a tiny trapdoor, evidence of a degree of sophistication. Some microbes can form a cyst to wait out unfavorable environmental conditions. In order to emerge, they need to be able to etch an opening in their protective shell.

Making this door is a specialized process. “If you’re going to produce an enzyme that dissolves your cell wall, you need to be really careful about how you use that enzyme,” Riedman said. “So in one of the earliest records of eukaryotes, we’re seeing some pretty impressive levels of complexity.”

Many people in the field had thought this ability emerged later, and the evidence for it in this assemblage further emphasizes how diverse and advanced eukaryotes were even at this early juncture.

“The assumption has always been that this is around the time that eukaryotes appeared. And now we think that people just haven’t explored older rocks,” said co-author Susannah Porter, an Earth science professor at UC Santa Barbara.

This paper is part of a larger project investigating early eukaryote evolution. Riedman and Porter want to know in what environments early eukaryotes were diversifying, why they were there, when they migrated to other places, and what adaptations they needed in order to fill those new niches.

A big part of this effort involves understanding when different characteristics of eukaryotes first arose. For instance, the authors are quite interested to learn whether these organisms were adapted to oxygenated or anoxic environments.

The former would suggest that they had an aerobic metabolism, and possibly mitochondria. Every modern eukaryote that’s been found descends from ancestors that possessed mitochondria. This suggests that eukaryotes acquired the organelle very early on, and that it provided a significant advantage.

Riedman and Porter are currently working on a fresh account of eukaryote diversity through time. They’ve also collected even older samples from Western Australia and Minnesota. Meanwhile, their geochemist collaborators at McGill are spearheading a study on oxygen levels and preferred eukaryote habitats, aspects that could shed light on their evolution.

“These results are a directive to go look for older material, older eukaryotes, because this is clearly not the beginning of eukaryotes on Earth,” Riedman said.

Source: UCSB

[s-oulpunk]

Audra headcanons? 🥺

THANK YOU I love my daughter in law so fucking much

So to start, Audra was a child actress. She got her first job — a commercial — at nine, but she booked her first movie at eleven. She was too young at the time to really understand what it would mean to be famous. She was just excited to be on tv, the same way any kid would be. But the movie role marked the end of her childhood. She was pulled out of school and was instead homeschooled like every other child star in LA. She didn’t have many friends growing up, there weren’t many opportunities for her to meet people her own age and she was too busy to keep up with her previous friends.

After her first movie Audra’s career exploded. She very quickly became beloved around America. But as she got older her roles got more and more sexual, and she found herself being more sexualized by her directors & the men around her. Not only was she finding herself being taken less seriously by her peers & bosses, but the viewers that had previously loved her have suddenly turned their backs on her. Every magazine article is around her possible sex life, how she was spotted at a club, how small her clothes have suddenly gotten.

Around this same time, Audra is getting in a bad place with substance abuse. Booze, coke, etc. she’s out partying constantly, trying to feel anything at all. By the time she reaches her 20’s she’s essentially out of work. She gets a few roles here and there but that’s it.

Bill, meanwhile, has grown up watching Audra’s movies. He always had a crush on her, the Losers would tease him every time she had a new movie coming out. I know in canon Bill goes to a college in Maine but we’re gonna ignore that. Bill & Eddie go to community college in Maine but Bill transfers to UCSB.

He meets Audra at a bar. Bill’s new to LA and, at this point, is only really friends with his roommate (his roommate is Will Byers just bc I’m obsessed w them as friends & roommates — but I did have a draft of a Bill&Audra fic where his roommate was Charlie from Fairy Tale) so Bill’s out trying to make friends. Audra just wants to drink. Bill sees her but doesn’t want to intrude, so he’s hesitant to approach. But they end up talking.

Audra supports Bill in his writing, and does her best to use her connections to get him publishing deals. Bill supports Audra in overcoming her addictions and her trauma from growing up in the industry. Just the two of them supporting and loving each other.

The first time someone wants to turn Bill’s novel into a movie, he refuses to approve the project unless Audra gets a substantial role. This basically kickstarts Audra’s revival career. She’s getting more roles, and the audience loves her again. Bill and Audra do their best to keep their relationship to themselves. The whole world is watching now but their relationship has always been just the two of them against the world.

I’m sure this is a lot longer than you were expecting but I got so excited svsjsgsjsg I’ve thought extensively abt Bill & Audra’s relationship. So thank you again for giving me a reason to talk about it🫶🫶

[careygly]

I'm beyond proud of you Ryan for graduating with an engineering degree from UCSB! 🎓💙 The past four years have been filled with many challenges, but your perseverance has been nothing short of amazing. It's been a joy to share in all the milestones in your young life, and I can't wait to celebrate even more achievements together. Here's to your bright future and all the incredible things ahead! 🌟🚀 #UCSBGrad #EngineeringStrong #ProudMoment #NextChapter

[jenthehumanist]

It's ok to not respond

Was chatting with my son today about the - college protests. I don't get their tactics to be honest. I was taught, you only break laws if you think the law you are breaking is unjust. It's totally possible to protest against Israel without breaking laws and to sustain such a protest.

Son was talking about how he understood the anger and frustration that led to the encampments and the barricading of buildings etc - which to me are just - stupid.

I mean - if you want change, you need to have a policy proposal that will create change. You can't just agitate. I mean you can, but you won't create any actual change. To create change - you need to understand the problem, how the problem functions and what will actually work to fix it.

I'm really good at this. I with the help of 2 other people got Evolution - written into Florida's science standards over a decade ago - by understanding what exactly we wanted to change and how to make that change happen. It took us zero dollars to accomplish.

My point? The people protesting on college campuses are inept. Their requested changes won't change anything. At all. They are not asking for anything that will impact anything. Like - ok so the student government at UCSB has passed a resolution that there should be a cease fire in Gaza and they want the school to divest from Israel. Great. That will have no impact because the student government doesn't have the ability to enforce a cease fire on Hamas or Israel, nor do they have the ability to force the school to divest. In fact, they don't seem to understand what exactly it would take for the school to divest or what the pros and cons of such an action might be. In short, a bunch of people spent a bunch of time and energy getting a resolution passed that will accomplish - bupkis.

Which is why - it's ok to not respond. In work life and personal life, if people you don't agree with are doing things that will do nothing - let them. It's ok to NOT oppose them. It's ok to allow them to engage in mental masturbation publicly. If they are doing things that don't change anything - it's not going to impact you - at all. Bonus - it means they are usually too busy doing their totally ineffectual thing to even notice you - making real change.

When me and 2 friends got Evolution into Florida's science standards, creationists spent a HUGE amount of time and money gearing up, training people, holding rallies. And they totally failed to get creationism into the science standards. They were too late and had no idea what the process was for writing the standards. That was fine by us. By the time they engaged in the actual standard approval process it was too late. The standards had already been written and approved by evolutionary scientists and educators that me and my friends had recruited to apply for the standards writing committee. And outside of a small circle of friends, the architects (me and my friends) were invisible to the process. Our opponents, had no idea we existed at all.

Don't ever get in the way of your opposition if your opposition is being idiots. Let them do their own thing. The only time you need to engage, is if they are interfering with your plans and implementation.

Which brings me back to the pro-Palestinian protests. If you want to be effective, you need to be reality based. And I'm not just talking about what you think is happening in the rest of the world or in Gaza and Israel. I mean - you need to be reality based about how exactly things get changed. Who exactly holds power, what is possible and what isn't, and whether and how to create the change you want to see. And right now - it's clear you have NO idea and you are not being strategic, which means - you are NOT being effective. Worse, you aren't listening to people who disagree or who are giving you constructive criticism so you aren't learning. And you really need to - because - you are spending a huge amount of time, energy and money - not being effective.

As for the people upset about the protests - let the protestors be. Not the ones who are committing crimes obviously, like vandalizing public and private property, or who are physically attacking people. But the people who are mindlessly chanting slogans they clearly don't understand. Let them be. They aren't being effective. They have a right to speak their minds, even if you really really really disagree with them. If they aren't impacting anything, they aren't causing harm.

It's only if they start to have a negative impact, that intervention is required.

[dancam]

went for little walk before bed

[baja4nia]

god my trip up north was insane like spur of the moment i slept in my car.... i dont even have that many pictures just totally in the moment the whole time. la to ucsb back down to hb and newport beachs balboa peninsula.... driving up the pch meeting life long lifeguards going to bars skating boardwalks in venice and newport and watching the surf at the locsl ucsb spot...... i really really want to go back to newport i think i could tear it up a lot more. man i need a ROOF RACK so i can bring my surfboards and take a real surf trip..... hot surfer boy with a truck who wants to travel wya? could go up to big sur or down to ensenada in baja california.... i want to take a girls trips up to venice beach skate park and surf skate the bowl hello...

[smireyac]

hey hey hey it's that time of year again 🎇

oh look an emoji in the title... nature is healing

so it's 9:30... 2023's been... alright, ig? like it feels like things are finally getting back to "normal", whatever that looks like right now... i stopped wearing a mask this year, long after most people ik already did (though considering SOMEONE in this house has covid right now, maybe it's time to buy more kn95s...) and i didn't feel debilitating anxiety being in a crowded indoor space so that means something, right?

once again, these last couple months haven't been so great, personally or globally, and with 2024 being an election year, the state of things feels... uncertain to say the least...

but we're here to look back, not forward (not yet anyway)! SO according to my goal list last year, did i accomplish much?

read 12 books? ✅ i read 20 actually! and not one of them was a graphic novel! ok i lied, ONE of them was a graphic novel but the rest were novel-novels! sure most of them were romance novels but that doesn't take away from the fact that i surpassed my initial goal so!! hooray 4 me 😁

write more? ✅ well, not more than last year but i think keeping up with writing anything still counts !! and i published another fic so!! hooray 4 me 😁

apply to transfer to university? ✅ hell yeah i did !!! and because I'm poor i got 4 free apps to UC and CSU schools!! i applied to UCSD, UCI, UCLA, UCSB, SDSU, CSUSM, and CSULB! i'll get responses back in mid-march/april... i don't wanna get my hopes up for anything... but i am excited to go to actual university, even if it won't be like my peers/the movies... yk bc im a transfer and i'll be 26 by the time i'm actually attending classes instead of a bright-eyed 18 year old, ready to take on the world... we'll see... i'll make this my extremely goofy movie moment if i have to lmao so!! hooray 4 me 😁

do stuff with friends? ✅ while i didn't do all the things i mentioned, most significant things i did this year were with friends!! i went to NYC with remi, and went back to little tokyo with annie and gnat so!! hooray 4 me 😁

make new friends? ✅ i did!! make at least one new friend 😊😊😊 and im very glad for it so!! hooray 4 me 😁

all major goals accomplished!!! ✅✅✅✅✅

hooray 4 me!!! 😁😁😁😁

also of the movies i mentioned that i was excited for, the only one i still haven't seen is the transformers movie lmao 😆 i will eventually

speaking of movies,,, i want to be more into movies this year 🤔 like i watched a number of awards season contenders this year and i kinda wanna be able to make my own oscar predictions this year? I'm also toying with the idea of defending my "movies of all time" list on letterboxd 🤔 (i say toying bc i literally just came up with the idea yesterday lmao) im putting this in writing bc if i don't then it makes it easier for me to not follow through on them, yk? also i have no idea what that "secret writing project" i talked about last time even was lmao

this is all related to my latest existential crisis re: what i wanna do with my life lmaoooo (when aren't i tho frfr) like going to university is the next big step in my life right? and when i tell people that i'm getting an English degree (tho i should rlly start saying literature now) the first thing they all ask is "oh do you want to be a teacher?" which is a HUGE pet peeve of mine because no!! i don't wanna be a teacher!!! that's not the only reason someone would get an English degree!! not that there's anything wrong with teaching, i just don't feel like i... have the right temperament? (tho if i'm being honest, i do have a fantasy of taking over as the film strand teacher when pike retires [but i think that's happening this coming year so that fantasy will remain a fantasy lol]) most recently, i've started saying i want to be an editor but even that feels like a commitment to something idek if I'll be able to achieve (am i commitmentphobic? more at 11) so like !! then what ??? i could try to go further up in the library ? go for a leadership position ??? its stable it has health insurance and a pension... smart things to keep, things i shouldn't disregard frfr i could have a CAREER with the library... but at the same time, i'm like... do i wanna get stuck here? like me and brenden were talking once about how long some of the people working at the library has been there and how most of them are tired and burnt out and

like what if i want to do something else?

my initial plan was to stick with the city for 10 years so i could qualify for the pension and they i might be able to do smthg else with my life while having that pension for later on and who knows? maybe i'd feel like coming back to library when i'm older and wiser??? since i've been here 5 years i thought i just needed 5 more TURNS OUT the 10 years only counts when you became BENEFITED and it only COUNTS YOUR WORKING TIME so even tho i've been here 5 years, im only like 8 months into this pension bullshit bc i got benefits a year and a halfish ago and IM ONLY HALF TIME!!!!!!

[sigh]

so idk!! shit's weird and idk what im doing!! i'm gonna go to school for literature and see what happens while i'm there; i hope i won't have to quit my job but i also wonder what it would be like to go to school full-time, like god intended... i've also considered master's and doctorates but like i feel like i shouldn't worry about that until i at least get through the bachelor's lmao 😆

i could go on (and i might tmrw tbh) but it's also 2am and i haven't even gotten to my goals this year

SO GOALS:

🎇 so first things first: we're keeping up the reading goal! we'll raise the stakes to 20 books since i know i can do that now

🎇 other goal related to reading: i want to read some non-fiction books this year; specific items include kitchen confidential, what we don't talk about when we talk about fat, and any/all of the miami history books i've checked out from the library b4

🎇 ik that my life will get very busy when i get to university so I'm hesitant to have a lot of stuff "to do" but i thought about trying to learn a new skill, specifically blender? bc im obsessed with bigtop burger lmao bc idk i still love animation and it just sounds fun!!

🎇 watch more movies? to do the awards szn thing? like im gonna try for the golden globes in fIVE DAYS? SHIT... well if not the globes then the oscars for sure but man... here's a secret career dream hidden in a goal: film critic? i think that's cool but like what does that even mean for me lmao ANYWAY WATCH MOVIES

i just wanna see where life takes me this year

maybe i'll figure some shit out along the way lol

happy new year babes 💖🍾🥂🎆

EDIT: I HAVE MORE GOALS I MIGHT WANT TO SET

🎇 make a content ? oooo scary ik we hate the word content but i feel like im finally confident enough in myself that i don't feel the excuse "im not good enough" is valid anymore? And sien has been asking to for forever and i think i was supposed to help her do it for her birthday ?? So ive been LACKING lmao

🎇 DM a DnD sesh frfr you've been wanting to for years but u always chicken out bc ur scared well ur reblog all those posts do it scared right? DO IT

🎇 go out to events ? like the poetry reading u were invited to and like u see those posts on insta so like maybe go to them? andMAYBEtrythatspeeddatingtypething???MAYBE.....

[returntosaturn271995]

August, 17th: Grateful and a little brain dead

Reading: Crooked Media + Little Weirds + Greenlights

Writing: The occasional email, a joke about making my Barbies get divorced when I was a kid because I apparently always lived for the drama. Got up at 6 am so now I'm brain dead and can only make a list.

Cooking: Spicy Glazed Beef & Snow Peas listening to Neil Brennan and Fortune Fiemster podcast

Family: Dad called me to check in which was very sweet, he definitely misses Mom while she's in Indiana

Social: Sam invited me to a yacht party in the OC with a Miami Vice theme, so I pushed my date with the Brit (Martyn) to Sunday.

Running: Did a 10-minute recovery run this morning and found myself tearing up afterward with gratitude. For the consistency, for this being who I actually am. Even my gross swollen hands.

Dressing with Style: Did some laundry and went from my black workout set to a UCSB muscle tank and spandex shorts and choker.

Cleaning: Makenna and I cleaned out Lumos's litterbox because Hannah can't smell. I screamed the entire time and used the high-pressure hose. Did the dishes and wiped down the kitchen. A load of laundry.

Silly shit: Made a grilled cheese and couldn't find it for the life of me for 15 minutes. I need to get more sleep.

Want to get done: 10 minutes at least of yoga/10 minutes of meditation

Update: 13 minutes of neck and shoulder stretches for yoga, and 11 minutes of meditation on bringing awareness to subtle experiences of the body. Also realizing that the crying I did after running and during an episode of Queer Eye is because my period just began. Not bad being this sensitive, something I love about Jenni Slate's writing is how she embraces the sensitive nature she had even with pain. It's natural and wild, like all perfect things. Anyways writing this note both as a celebration that I followed through when I could have chosen not to and to remind myself that it feels good every single time. Today I hit all my goals and a couple extra.

[humansun]

being jealous of younger folx & learning why i have passive and asshole-y solutions 4 those who follow me around

Written Wednesday, July 26th at 7:44PM

Finally transferring the files over to my laptop for edit. The next few days will be a fun ride.

I was showering right now and I thought about my friendship with Ray, whether I’ll be in grad school in the next couple years, who I will be when I’m in grad school, how I’ll change as time passes, and how I’ll continue to grow into the person I hope to be.

I had a call around 5pm that made me confront my difficulty for accepting and celebrating the accomplishments of those who are younger than me. That’s actually one of my biggest secrets - that I am intimidated, envious, and jealous of those who are achieving a lot more than me at a younger age.

I can logically understand that there can’t be a comparison when everyone’s experience varies significantly based on a myriad of factors, but for some reason, my emotional side gets charged up when I am forced to confront this feeling.

However, I’m determined to overcome it as an obstacle in my life. In the same way that I squashed the lunch invitation from a kind and much, much older stranger from the gym or when I realized my denial about my sister’s marriage with her partner is because I’m scared of losing our relationship, I can definitely tackle this new bump in the road. Perhaps I won't do it headstrong, but I can gradually overcome this, even if it causes minor discomfort to my life.

I want to explore and confront my own feelings of insecurity when it comes to witnessing younger folks achieve greater things than me. What I want from myself is to accept it - like truly accept it, celebrate and even learn from their wins, and hope that they will continue to grow and become great people to positively impact the world.

I need to also realize that I’ve accomplished some huge feats that have made ripples across wherever I was at the time whether high school, UCSB, or the industry I’m currently working in. If I am to sit and try to pinpoint when this insecurity developed was perhaps senior year when I was serving as ASB president and my VP was much better at delegating tasks and handling business than I was. I was pure passion and spirit, but I lacked the ability to lead and support my team members entirely.

It’s probably not likely that that one specific experience is the reason this insecurity manifested and grew over time, but it was a strong one if I could identify it that quick. Feeling inadequate next to someone younger than you, and feeling like you aren’t doing as good as someone who had less years on Earth than you, sucked. Instead of facing my jealousy and doing my best to learn from her and grow with her, I internally ran from it.

I avoided situations where confrontation was involved. I struggled to speak up and voice my concerns. This led to me not embodying leadership in the way I acted. I was passive and scared and I let those feelings take over me, control me, even up to this point at 25 years old. 

There isn’t as much shame that’s around that feeling as there used to be, which I’m happy about. It feels cleansing and healing to sit and write out what I’ve been feeling on and off for a while, and letting myself process it without personal judgement. My insecurities are human and valid, but I want to empower myself and remember the following:

Comparison won’t make me feel better about my situation, so I’ll embrace myself and who I am.

Just as much as I may envy another person, they may be feeling that way about me. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

I am of high value, and I will remember that. I know that I bring plenty of perspectives, valuable opinions, and knowledge to the table

I am a massive asset.

Everyone has a different starting point. The way I win is to do my very best, in my own unique way.

At the end of the day, I’m certain every human has their own uncomfortable secrets they sit with everyday. It’s alright that I have my own and it’s cathartic to let mine go and release it into the air without feeling embarrassment.

This isn’t it for all the thinking. While I transfer my photos, I have more thoughts I’d like to share. One in particular is a thought I’ve been trying to process for a while now.

I don’t know how I’d best navigate someone being annoying to me, because I’m too afraid of hurting their feelings. Okay, this is actually a beast of something to write so bare with me as I try to discuss the intangible.

While on a trip, I was stuck with one other person and this person annoyed the life out of me. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to explode. I wasn’t able to communicate to this person that I was actually fed the fuck up with them and not anyone else, so I made up another reason I was so irritable. But in fact, it was that person that was getting on my nerves.

The amount of yo-yoing cognitive dissonance, fluctuating empathy and remorse I felt through this trip was insane. Something I don’t ever want to experience again in my life. There were times when logically I was able to understand where this person was coming from and how their need to follow me was for their own comfort and safety. But at the same time, I was listening to the other side of my brain that was screaming, “GET A LIFE! WHY CAN’T YOU BE SELF-SUSTAINABLE AND HANDLE YOUR OWN SHIT! FIGURE IT OUT! I AM NOT HERE TO CONSTANTLY HELP YOU!”

I know. How could the Human Sun think something like that? It’s mean, it’s insensitive, it’s bad. I know. But! I won’t judge myself, I want to let myself process and understand where this came from and why it’s happened. 

When I was in high school around my 9th or 10th grade year, I had one friend who had a tendency to follow me around. She definitely admired me, cared for me, and wanted to be my best friend, but for some reason, I wasn’t attracted to the conversations we had or the activities we shared together (not really any). At some point, I couldn’t find the best way to manuver this unrequited friendship, so I distanced myself and later on, she got the hint that I probably wasn’t trying to be best friends. Back then, I was most likely relieved and carried on with my life happily, knowing there didn’t have to be any confrontation or a huge ordeal about it.

In retrospect, that was not the greatest way to solve the issue. It was passive and kind of, if not completely, asshole-y. This time around, it happened at 25 and I sort of took the same route! If this happens again in the future, I want to be mindful of why I feel what I feel and how to combat it kindly and gently. Here are some explorations of my actions in this situation:

I would rather people I’m annoyed at find a problem with me, than me find a problem with them even though I already know I have a problem with them. 

Ok, reading this sentence back - why do I do this? It’s like, subconscious mind games.

Are we all a little manipulative as human beings? I wonder.

I would rather these people not like me than me make it clear and audible that I don’t like their behavior, because I don’t want to hurt them.

Curious to know if this is rooted in my people pleasing tendencies? I’m not sure. It’s interesting. 

I’m learning that we as humans try to find solutions throughout our lives as we’re faced with various kinds of obstacles, and some of them we keep into our adulthood or leave in our childhood based on their effectiveness. Sometimes, we’re aware of them and sometimes, we’re not. 

The power to be aware of my subconscious behavior is helpful, but it’s also difficult when my emotions are fighting against knowing usually what’s right. My mindfulness side of the brain is usually right. It’s calm, centered, aware, and in control. My emotional side tends to lack regulation and allows me to jump into the pool of instant gratification, where I avoid effective communication, confronting my own feelings, and choosing the right path forward for a more productive and healthy life.

I might not have all the answers as to why I act passively, distance myself from others, or even lie when they annoy me. But I'm digging up the clues and I'm determined to improve myself. Here is a little game plan for me in the future so I can be a better person in my relationships with people I find annoying:

Clearly and kindly communicate your needs and boundaries with the people around you. Honestly is important.

Prioritize emotional regulation and empathy at times of peak frustration. Can you let your mindfulness take over and act upon these deeds?

Try to avoid falling into instant gratification and be angry, passive aggressive, or lie. These will only increase your stress as time goes on.

The more productive and effective you are in this situation, which means confronting, addressing, or handling the issue like a boss, the less stress it will put on you and it will allow you to move forward and be in control of your life.

It’s interesting sitting here in the thick of my filmmaking process but still having the time to write out all the internal processes that happen in my head without me really noticing, until I notice it. At the end of the day, I really am a humanny human. 

Oh! One last thing. One mundane thing in my life that I love when I do it is wash my hands. I love washing my hands. I find it a completely meditative, wholesome, clean, wonderful process that I do everyday that I love. Especially when I have good hand soap.