8blrog

[8blrog]

i gotta remember this

[8blrog]

holy cow I have been sensitive recently. Like so susceptible to media and easily brought to intense emotions.

There are some songs that I don’t think I can listen to anymore because I think too hard about Chris. I just shed a tear listening to banana pancakes. Everytime I think too hard about how it ended I literally have to banish the thoughts from my head. I can’t believe something so filled with love and care could’ve ended like that. Seriously makes me emotional to think about.

[8blrog]

Yeah I stayed up for three hours and thought about life you’re done

they should invent a staying up late that doesnt guarantee less sleep

[8blrog]

[8blrog]

On my walk to the post office

[8blrog]

A last night of thoughts that carried into a 4:30 am wake up where I literally started to think about everything good in my life ending.

The end of college, the end of study abroad with Madrid squad, the limbo that is my love life right now… essentially everything that I live in right now coming to an end and everything changing. I shedded a few tears.

I think I’ve always been like this. How I’ve always been scared to forget, or deeply terrified that I will forget to breathe it all in. Or the worst: watching my life pass by in front of my eyes like sand running through my fingers.

I remember asking chris this summer, when the expiration sticker got put on our time together: “how do I enjoy it all without the thought of it ending consuming me?” I think his answer was to just not think about it and enjoy it while it’s in front of you.

I already knew this in theory, less so in practice, and even less so in moments like right now.

I remember when I was in 5th grade anticipating the end of elementary school, the same way I wrote the night before I graduated high school, and I know that in a year’s time I’ll be worried about breathing in my last year of UCSB. This is the nature of life, right? Change is the only constant. And I know that because it is, I shouldn’t fight it so hard.But the endings of things weigh really heavy on me.

I mean, taking a step back; how truly special it is that I have things in my life that hurt so bad when they end. And maybe I need to reframe my view of this process. I would like to think these moments of worry and fear fuel me to document and live in these moments. Writing, taking photos, and having my private all-consuming moments within the moments that make me try to really remember these little corners of my life.

At my core, I am still that same girl behind the last handball court, writing a list of my top 10 friends because I was scared of forgetting what I held dear to me in the moment. And though, that list is obsolete now and those people are too, the practice is still there. Those lists are still authentic slices of life that I wanted to remember.

Life is complicated this way. You get really caught up in the day-to-days: the todo’s, the minutes of time, and where you have to be at 3PM. But the scary part is that a year of your life will pass you by like it was nothing, and you’ll continue to get caught up in the day-to-day, as if it won’t happen it again.

I’m not scared of this. I know that this is the way it goes. I think I’m scared of forgetting this fact and forgetting all the nuances that shape me into the person that I am.

It could be that I just want to honor the experiences and moments that make up my life. So I’ll continue to make monthly playlists and lists of my friends and I’m going to keep writing and taking pictures forever. And maybe it’s okay for the reason to be because I’m scared.

This part gets abstract but I hope you understand: It feels as though these things are so precious when I hold them and only upon reflection do I realize this. It’s as if I got to hold a baby tiger or something crazy like that. I’m silenced in the moment and later I’m running to my research journal to talk about all the things I felt and saw. And one day I’ll get to look back and remember how it felt to hold a baby tiger.

[8blrog]

Neutrality

Hey I’m like super surprised by how chill I am about everything (for the most part, Lisbon was an emotional ordeal) Like I think it’s a good thing that I don’t feel much about the whole Chris thing anymore. We had a call yesterday and he was pretty much saying how he wanted to extend the break and I was like yeah that’s chill. Lol didn’t shed a tear, in the morning, thinking about it a bit but I think my human capital has become super high. My emotional regulation is like that of a greenhouse, or it’s a beginner greenhouse LOL.

And so I told him it was completely chill to just take

[8blrog]

Awakened by bright lights of airplane, all I can think about is how much I miss ceramics.

[8blrog]

victory lap + scoops

went and got TOTO after the mind clearing phone call with my parents. walked with some pep to me step and made a victory lap playlist. one more time by daft punk is like the perfect celebration song. and i got the most wonderful ice cream and i saw the golden rays of the sunset peaking through on my walk.

it doesn't get better than this goddamit

[8blrog]

call with parents

crazy that all i needed to relieve my spirits was a call with my parents to talk about love. all sources point to: slow THE FUCK DOWN! lol. im gonna go get myself an ice cream at toto before my meeting. things are chill, i will give chris time and yeah the future is uncertain but i have something good here and good things take time!!!!!

[8blrog]

whenever I listen to white gloves by khruangbin I think about my time with koosha.

I remember how indulgent our time was together. The nights I would spend at his house were watching him dj, listening to khruangbin vinyls, and talking for hours with WSL on in the background. This all sounds lovely and colorful but in reality our time lacked true connection and chemistry and reeked of overindulgence.

Makes for wonderful life stories though. Forever thinking about our first date where we chain smoked a pack of Marlboro reds by the Del Mar train tracks. Definitely took a year or two off my life.

[8blrog]

correction: I want to be admired from a far by many, but admired in close range by select few.

[8blrog]

hey lowkey think I was destined for greatness. There is no doubt in my mind I can literally be everything I want to be.

I want to influence and document and I want to be seen and heard.

Feeling charged and the world is my oyster. Gonna get to shucking.

[8blrog]

the range of human emotion is crazy

crazy how much of a range i can feel from hour to hour. i woke up this morning sad and angry about the current state of my love life.

after two pieces of bread and a coffee and a podcast, here I am bouncing off the walls. like crazy. maybe it is the stimulant butttttt shit.

also i just checked the current state of the election. 95% chance that trump is winning, crazy crazy feels dystopian seeing this a world away.

[8blrog]

the opposite of love is apathy

[8blrog]

projected teachings

I want this year to teach me about harnessing my overindulgence and taking things slow and patience and releasing the grip I want to have on time and life.

I want every year and every month and every day and every minute to contribute to these teachings. They will be at the forefront of my mind and heart. I want these lessons to contribute to the peace I seek to feel in my day-to-day. Already I feel their effects. Sighswoon’s words came at crucial time. The physical body takes time to catch up to the soul’s energy bouncy energy. This is an inherent truth of life.

I wonder what has made me seek these truisms of life. Most of the time, they make life easier. Only time that they don’t is when I’m wrong about a truth. Maybe at the core of this, I just seek certainty in a world of uncertainty. And if I can’t find certainty in the big hazy future, I try to find certainty in my day to day.

Today my anger has subsided. I feel no malice or anger in my heart. Today I feel strong enough to be patient. I just saw the tag “Karen”. Crazy, I’m on my way. Synchronicities like these ones make me believe there must be guiding force strategically placing these things on my path.

[8blrog]