#u can tell how mentally ill i am based off how much i miss my ex lmao like ok they kinda sucked but man I miss having someone for support

[toastsnaffler]

what if I just dropped out of uni instead of handing this piece of work in 🙃

[the-hopeless-haze]

Somebody Hurt Me Too Deep (Being Alive Ch 14)

Previous Chapter

A/N: I AM BACK omg ok like I’ve been through it in the last month..... yeah. This was of course based on “Being Alive” but also “champagne problems”... thank Taylor Swift for any emotional distress I cause :)

CW: talks of mental illness, brief mentions of past trauma and car accidents

Taglist (thank u all for reading ily): @caked-crusader @thatesqcrush @law-nerd105 @blackeyedangel9805 @moon-river-drifter @the-baby-bookworm @dianilaws @xecq @lv7867 @arabellathorne  @teddybluesclues​ @averyhotchner​ @houseofthirst​

“Carino? I’m home,” Rafael says as he steps through the apartment door, placing his briefcase down on the recliner. It was only 3pm, early for him to be finished with work for the day, but he had been getting out earlier recently to accompany you to physical therapy appointments. You were doing well, at least physically. It had been a long six weeks, but today might be the appointment that cleared you to go back to work full-time and maybe get out from behind the desk a little.

Mentally, though, it was a mixed bag. Some days were easier than others, and that was to be expected, but it was hard to tell the squad you were doing better when you couldn’t even bring yourself to text them back. Still, he pleaded otherwise, said every day was a new day and carried on even if they didn’t believe him.

Today, though, today was the turning point, he could feel it. You were doing so well, and eventually, your brain would have to catch up with your body. So tonight, he booked a reservation at a restaurant… not any restaurant, but the Cuban restaurant he took you to the night you asked him out and he barely used your first name and he swore he hated you with nearly every fiber of his being.

Right. As if he hated you even then.

You’re in a good mood, albeit not as elated as he hoped, but the physical therapist approves you for work but to “take it easy” and you’re laughing at his wry remarks and squeezing his hand in the back of the taxi on the way to the restaurant. His nerves almost dissipate, but they don’t. And maybe that should’ve been his first sign that tonight was not going to go as planned.

Rafael was never a superstitious man, but you order the same dish you ordered the first time he took you out, and he can’t help but think this is a sign to push forward.

“Oh, fuck it,” Rafael murmurs, a surge of anxiety overcoming him. “I was going to wait until after dinner… but…. I have something I want to ask you.”

And just like that, your face falls, but Rafael can barely take that in, he just keeps talking, his mouth moving faster than the neurons in his brain that tell him to stop, now isn’t a good time.

“I love you so much, (y/n), and I know these past few months have been so hard, and this isn’t the way either of us have wanted this year to start, but… we got through it together. I never thought I’d be in a position in my life, with someone who I love… that I’d be willing to do this, but… (Y/n)... will you marry me?”

You don’t say anything for a few seconds, but it feels like hours, days, months. “Can you get up off the floor, Rafael? You’re embarrassing us,” you finally say hollowly, and it’s true, the whole restaurant is stopped in their tracks staring at the two of you. Rafael couldn’t possibly care less, though, he couldn’t comprehend anything that was going on - he was just thinking “well, she hasn’t said no…” and then you’re getting up, throwing your napkin on the table, shaking your head, saying “I can’t do this.”

Rafael gains some of his senses back, enough to follow you outside into the tempering late February air. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, Rafael, I don't,” you say stiffly without turning around to face him. “I’ll get my stuff in the morning. I need to be alone right now.”

“I just… I didn’t know you weren’t happy,” Rafael says, his voice breaking, and that gives you enough impetus to turn around.

“You didn’t know I wasn’t happy? Goddamn, Rafael, do you even live with me? I’ve been unhappy for months.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why didn’t you know?”

“Jesus, (y/n), maybe because I’m not a fucking mind reader?”

“Right. You honestly thought we were in a good enough place to propose tonight?”

“Obviously! Or I wouldn’t have done it!” he snaps. “You honestly think we’re in a bad enough place that you couldn’t say yes?”

“Obviously! Or I would have done it!” you throw his words back at him, and god do they sting.

“You never told me anything. You just withdrew.”

“Yeah. Maybe that should’ve been a sign. Look. I’m moving back home. I was going to tell you tonight.”

“What? Is that all it was? (Y/n), if you want to move back, I could work something out--”

“No. No, you can’t, Rafael. You’ve never been able to work anything out in your life because you’re too scared to! You just operate on fear - and this is no exception. You thought I was going to die six weeks ago and that’s the only reason you’ve been acting this way, and I’ve been slipping away recently and you’ve just been trying to consistently deny it so you just get on one knee and think that’s going to solve everything, think that’s going to make me stay. That’s not how it works! I’m not happy. I need to go home.”

“Oh no. You know what it is? You’re afraid. Don’t try to put this on me. You’re the one who’s walking away. You’re the one who’s running back home.”

“Fuck you, Rafael. Your family is all here. Mine isn’t. My brother’s getting a job for the first time, my mom just got on disability, I miss my dad… I’ve spent too long here. I’ve spent too long with you.”

“What happened? What the fuck happened?”

“What the fuck happened every other time, Rafael? You’ve gone through this plenty of times before.”

Rafael scoffs, shakes his head, leans against the outside of the restaurant. “You’re unbelievable.”

“I’m fucking sick, Rafael!” you’re screaming now, your cheeks turning red, your eyes leaking angry tears. “All this time, since the accident, I’ve been fucking drowning and you didn’t even notice!”

“Sick?”

“Depressed, Rafael. Anxious. Liv wanted me screened before I came back and the therapist said so. AGain. For the fucking umpteenth time in my life. But this time, I thought I had someone who cared--”

“How the fuck was I supposed to know if you didn’t tell me?”

“Couldn’t you see?”

Rafael shakes his head slowly, but now it comes back to him, all these subtle signs, the days you wouldn’t make it out of bed until 3 pm, all the days and nights you spent staring listlessly at the walls, the inability of anything he said or did to make you feel better. But it came and went, and Rafael just took it as you being upset sometimes at the limitations placed on you by your injured leg. Never did he think there was something more serious going on. Or maybe he just didn’t want to think that, and he ignored every signal.

“I’m sorry, (y/n),” he whispers, but he knows that’s too little, too late. Both of you were at fault - that was clear to him now - but was it clear to you? “I really didn’t know.”

“Evidently,” you mutter, crossing your arms over your chest.

“But you can get help. We can work this out.”

“I just… Rafael. I’m not ready. You of all people should have some sympathy for that.”

Ouch. You were going for the jugular now, hurting him where only you could, rejecting his proposal, leaving him crestfallen on one knee in the middle of a restaurant, but somehow your words hurt worse. Anyone could reject a proposal. Only you could psychoanalyze him and hurl the worst remarks his way, things no one else would be able to come up with.

“Then okay,” he sighs. “We won’t get married yet, or ever, if that’s what you want. But you really want to throw this away entirely?”

“I don’t know, Rafael. I don’t. Look, I’m sorry too. I just… I can’t deal with this right now.”

“Do you think… do you think maybe--”

“I don’t know,” you say firmly. “I don’t even know if I really want to go back home. I just know I don’t want to live like this anymore, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“But it isn’t going to drop. I just fucking proposed. I’m in this for the long haul. And fuck it, if you want to go back home, I’ll work it out.”

“This fake optimism isn’t you.”

“This lack of optimism entirely isn’t you! What happened to the woman who got through some of the worst shit imaginable and landed on her own two feet? You got into a car accident, (y/n). You lived! You should be thankful, not sitting here sulking like your world’s gone to shit.” Again, his mouth moves too fast to register the look on your face as it falls, and tears start to stream down your face. He can’t stop but push it further, hurt you in retaliation.

“Seriously, Rafael, how insensitive can you be? I tell you I’m struggling and you invalidate my feelings? Fuck off.”

“I didn’t mean--”

“Why’d you say it then? You know what, I’m done. Goodbye, Rafael.”

“But--”

“No. Give me space. You owe me that.”

He does. And god, it hurts to watch you walk away, his abuelita’s ring burning a hole in his pocket when it should be on your finger. But maybe.... maybe this isn't the end. Maybe all you need is space.

Maybe Rafael's wishing on a pipe dream. He doesn't know anymore. All he knows is the sting of this pain.

-----

You walk alone in the dark, your leg still aching slightly, and you just feel like utter shit. You can’t remember ever feeling quite this low, but you can’t remember feeling rage like this, either. No one’s hurt you like Rafael.

But that’s because you loved him enough to let him.

You still love him even now, but spending day in and day out with him coddling you, you couldn’t handle it. And maybe you should’ve acted like an adult and told him and stopped pretending everything was fine when you knew it wasn’t. If only you weren’t so fucked in the head, right? Just how it always went, your life, cycles of feeling fine and cycles of feeling like you’re scraping at the bottom of a barrel for a will to go on. And yeah, sometimes even you would question why you were taking this so hard - so what, it’s a car accident, you were lucky to have lived - but Rafael didn’t understand and you didn’t know how to make him. How were you going to get in a passengers seat again without having a panic attack? Would your leg ever fully heal? You’d wasted six weeks staring at the walls of Rafael’s apartment, doing menial paperwork for Olivia that anyone could have done. How could you not feel entirely worthless? And then for Rafael to make it seem like you were overexaggerating like you should just get over this… you hated him.

But you didn’t, really. You know deep down he’s just angry the night didn’t go the way he wanted it to, with you promising to be his for the rest of your life. Still, rage is a truth serum of sorts, like cheap wine, and it makes you wonder how deep that resentment runs. How could he not notice you were upset, though? That’s a hell of a blind eye to turn.

At least back home you had Ben if nothing else.

But here, you had everything else. The squad, your career, Rafael… You couldn’t even begin to think about marriage right now - Lord knows Rafael isn’t ready either - but did you really want to throw in the towel? How do couples move past a rejected proposal, though? Hadn’t you hurt him deeper than anyone else could have? And would he ever figure out how to propose again?

Maybe to someone else, you think, someone who didn’t have all these fucking issues.

Before you know it, you have a cigarette in your mouth and a lighter in hand and you’re leaning against the side of a convenience store, watching girls walk by in stilettos hanging on to their men or giggling with their group of friends, the taxis blurring past. Then you realize you broke the first promise you made to Rafael: you bought cigarettes in New York.

Had he really wanted to collect on that promise? It wasn’t like you were addicted, it was just a stupid habit you started in high school to take the edge off, but you supposed some people had the inclination to start and never stop, but you always could when you wanted to.

Your vice wasn’t cigarettes, no, it was love. You gave all you could to whoever would take it because you were so used to people wanting nothing to do with you since you isolated yourself due to your past trauma. Once you got to college, you refused to hide in the background, and you took chances you weren’t used to taking and loved in color, you loved until it made you blue when the boys would cheat or your so-called friends would find different cliques.

You were still like that, albeit in so much a desperate way, and you had been loved in return, now, not just by Rafael but by the squad too - even if you had your squabbles. You loved them to death and back.

But friends were easier to keep than lovers.

Maybe it is scary to think Rafael was going to be the end. That he’d be the last man you ever kissed in love or passion. That you’d be the last woman standing in his long list of ex-lovers - the only one who didn’t get crossed off.

How do you love someone that much? You always said you wanted that, but the thought always terrified you anyway, and maybe it’s why you did push people away when they felt too close because you felt like you didn’t deserve it, like you were still atoning for some sin you didn’t remember committing but you still feel guilty for all the same. You wonder if Rafael feels just as guilty.

You inhale the smoke, feeling the familiar, carcinogenic burn in your throat, causing yourself pain to cause Rafael pain only to cause you pain in return; an endless cycle of hurt.

With ambivalence, you put your cigarette out and hail a cab, and tell him to drive you to your apartment which you haven’t seen in weeks. There’s dust on every surface, it’s freezing as hell, and you don’t know how you’re going to sleep tonight, alone, so you light up another cigarette, sitting solitary with your nerves running haywire underneath your skin. What the hell were you going to do now?

[thisfoolwrites]

My World

Hello everyone and welcome to my new story. Based VERY LOOSLY on Shameless because I only saw one clip and it gave my inspiration. {Sorry for the crappy title I’m not that creative Dx} Disclaimer: I do not own Haikyuu or Shameless Character: Hajime Iwaizumi Genre: Angst with fluff Warnings: None for this chapter

Mornings in the {L/N} household were usually calm and organized. Yuki and Shouta would be dressed for school and and {Y/N} would have had breakfast ready to go. Usually. Today was not that day. A certain older sibling had forgotten to set an alarm, causing the usually calm mornings to erupt into pure and utter chaos. “YUKI, SHOUTA lets go!” {Y/N} Hollered up the stairs. She clicked her tongue as she got their backpacks together. Slipping the bentos that she had made up last night. She was about to holler again when two sets of footsteps came down the stairs. She let out a sigh of relief as she slipped jackets onto the smaller kids. “No breakfast today?” Yuki's blue eyes bore into her older sisters eyes. This question was not said with any ill intent, but out of childlike curiosity. {Y/N} felt her heart break at the question and just shook her head. “Not today baby, but I promise tomorrow I will wake up bright and early and make you your favorites ok?” Earning a nod of approval from both kids. “Now, were all running late and all I have right now are pop tarts. I'm really sorry guys.” Handing them each a package she made a mental note to buy more just in case. After ushering both kids out of the house and on their way to the school she ran back inside to get her purse and work jacket. In her attempt to lock the door quickly she dropped the keys. As she was leaning down to get them her phone rang. She groaned and answered without looking. “Hello?” she grumbled into the phone. Hoping whoever it was on the other end could sense her frustrations. “That's not very friendly {Y/N}-Chan. And here I was calling to give you good news.” She froze hearing that voice. Almost breaking into tears. “I'm running late for work ShittyKawa, better make it fast.” came her snarky reply, hoping that he didn't hear the break in her voice. She looked at her watch and began to make her way to the train station. Running was no longer an option and she hoped she didn't get fired. Not that she was usually late, but that was always her fear. “Ignoring the out of pocket behavior from you,” So he did notice, she thought, “Me and Iwa-chan will be coming home for a little bit. He’s out of school for spring break, and the team gave us a month vacation!” He finished with a huge smile on his face. She couldn't help but smile. She missed her boys so much. “You both get to buy me lunch for leaving me!” she decided. “For all my pain and suffering.” “Says you Miss Tokyo U!” he laughed along with her. Upon hearing those the weight of everything came crashing back down. “Anyway 'Kawa, I am late for work so I gotta get off. Love and miss you both!” She said and hung up without waiting for a reply. Once on the train she let her thoughts take over. She knew that he would be worried, because her behavior was indeed off, but how was she supposed to tell him that she didn't go to Tokyo U and was taking online classes at night from a local community college? How was she supposed to tell her best friend and boyfriend that her mother up and left leaving her two kid siblings in her care? Sitting down on the seat she glanced out the window. “How do I tell you my life fell apart when yours just began?” She whispered. Hearing her phone buzz she glanced back down at her lap. It was a message from Hajime's mother.

Don't worry about the kids. I'll make sure they come here after school. Take care of yourself as well {Y/N}. She owed that woman so much, and she fully intended to pay her and her husband back.

Oikawa starred at his phone. There was something in the way that she spoke to him. He sighed and closed his eyes. Before he could even form a thought the smell of coffee was right in his face. Opening his eyes he noticed his best friend with two cups. “You are the best Iwa-Chan!” she grinned taking the cup from him. “Yeah yeah. Did you tell her?” Iwaizumi asked him. Oikawa just nodded at him. Before freezing up. “Whats that look for Shittykawa?” “I may not have told her we would be home tonight?” Iwaizumi just starred at him, reminding him of high school. “Well just have to swing by Tokyo to see her tomorrow. It'll be a surprise.” He waved his hand brushing off his mistake. He was supposed to mention that but he was distracted by the break in her voice. “Iwa, have to talked to her recently?” he asked gently. “Its been a few weeks. I called her during finals week and she sounded stressed. To be honest I've been worried about her. My mom wont tell me anything besides its been stressful for her. Not sure what that means. I hope I can take away some of that stress.” Before either boy got a chance to say anything, their flight was called and they boarded the plane.

Nine o'clock rolled around and {Y/N} walked up to the Iwaizumi's door. They had always lived on the same street so it made picking up her siblings pretty easy. When she walked up the steps she didn't even have a chance to knock on the door. Mai Iwaizumi smiled at her and called for the two kids. “Thank you so much for letting them come over today. I promise I'll be off in time to be home for them tomorrow. They just-” “I've told you before its ok. Besides I love these two like my own children. Now, they have eaten so don't let them trick you, and their homework is complete.” {Y/N} Just smiled at the woman. She had always looked up to this woman, hoping one day that this could be her mother. Before the two could converse more, her two siblings barreled into her giving her a bone crushing hug. The four of them just laughed and {Y/N} waved and led the two kids home. Upon reaching their destination they all hurried inside. {Y/N} took their backpacks and sent them upstairs to change and get ready for bed. Dropping her own stuff off at the kitchen table she pulled the empty bento boxes out of the backpacks. She placed them in the sink and silently made a vow to wash them later. She headed upstairs into her own bedroom, ignoring the empty master bedroom to the right of hers. She was about to slip out of her work shirt when she heard her name being called from the room over. Heading on over she noticed both kids curled up in Shouta's bed. Smiling she headed into the room and crouched down by the bed. “Whats up guys?” she asked softly, with a gentle smile on her face. Shouta just got a wide smile on his face. “We played volleyball today in PE and the teacher said I have a talent for it. I was wondering if there was anyway I could join the volleyball club.” Shouta asked. {Y/N}'s smile dropped a bit before she  placed a hand on his head. “I know you wanna play volleyball Sho, I understand, I do. But we just cant afford it right now.” she said softly, stoking the little boys head. His smile vanished but he just nodded his head. Money had been tight and his sister was working two jobs just to pay bills and put food on the table. Shouta mumbled a goodnight before rolling over and pulling the blanket over his head. {Y/N} Sighed and picked up Yuki and took her to the girls own room. The smaller girl watched as her sister tucked her in. “Hey {N/N?}” she quietly called causing the older girl to look at her. Yuki may have been only nine years old, but she could just see the sadness in her sisters eyes. “Do you think mommy will ever come home?” {Y/N} felt her heart break. She gently smiled and rubbed the top of Yuki's head. “I don't know baby. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.” She bent down to give her a kiss on the head. “Night Yu.” she said quietly closing the door. She peeked into Shouta's room to see that he was sound asleep. She smiled softly before closing his door and heading downstairs. She sat down at the kitchen table and put her head in her hands. Some days all she wanted to do was break down and cry, but that voice in the back of her head told her to be strong. She stood up and quietly made herself some food. Taking a glance at the coffee pot she debated whether or not to make a cup. Deciding against it because of the chaos this morning she grabbed her plate and headed on up to her room to work on schoolwork. When she sat down she noticed that she had missed messages on her phone.

Haji: Hey you up? Haji: If you are awake can you call me so I can hear your voice? I miss you. Looking at the time she decided against calling him. It wasn't that she was ignoring him, she just didn't know what to say and it was getting late. After setting a few alarms on her phone, to make sure they get up on time, she quickly set off on finishing up her essay for class. It wasn't the degree she wanted but right now she couldn't be picky. She needed to get a better job to provide for her siblings. And she was determined that she was gonna do right by them, unlike their mother. She glanced at the photo beside her laptop. It was her and her dad when she was 14. How she missed him. Fate worked in cruel ways sometimes and taking her father had been the cruelest to her. She shook her head to get rid of all the sad thoughts swirling around in her head. She would have all the time in the world to mope once she finished school. Once she did that she would work on getting the kids out of Miyagi and to a place where everyone wouldn't look at them in pity. Its the kids whose mother abandoned them. She wanted a place where they wouldn't look at her in pity. She didn't want to be known as the girl who turned down a full ride scholarship to Tokyo University anymore.

[lightsandlostbells]

wtFOCK season 3, episode 5 reaction

This whole episode I kept doing that Marge Simpson groan. You know, the one that’s like tight-lipped and this low, exasperated mmm from deep in the throat? That was me constantly.

Episode 5

Clip 1 - Jens gives Robbe sex advice

Robbe texts his mom and says to her he can’t visit, lying that it’s because he’s sick. One repeated element that does exist in this season is Robbe listening to music on his headphones, which is him retreating into himself, or using music to cope. The song lyrics reflect that: “I used to feel so alone, now I’m feeling better on my own.”

Since I’ve been trying to think of ways to rewrite this season, they could expand Robbe using music as a coping strategy even further. Music should have been something that Robbe bonds with Sander over. And not just Sander’s recommendation of Bowie, either, which is all they’ve done so far - it seems like Robbe should give recs or insight as well. Talk about how important music is to him with Sander. Make it a serious point in their developing relationship.

Jens skates up and talks to Robbe. Robbe wants to get high, but Jens doesn’t have weed with him at the moment. He asks Robbe if he’s thought about the Brrrothers, because they’re not the same without Robbe. Robbe snaps and turns away from him, then lies and says his bad mood is about Noor. Jens has already heard that they’re fighting.

Jens’ talk to Robbe, knowing that Noor wants to have sex and Robbe doesn’t, is actually pretty sweet. Even though he doesn’t understand the real reason why Robbe doesn’t want to, his talk is thoughtful and not shaming Robbe for being a nervous virgin, it’s considerate of him. Considering the Brrrothers have been obnoxious about sex and girls all season, this was a refreshing change. One question I do have is how Jens knew that Noor wanted sex and Robbe didn’t, but I guess it was implied that this explanation was part of the rumor mill. 

Of course, the downside is that Jens’ advice prompts Robbe to text Noor about how he misses her and wants to meet up. Bad, Robbe! I don’t know if Jens’ talk encouraged Robbe to text her because Robbe was like “Yeah, I’m supposed to like Noor, better get back on that,” or because maybe he genuinely told himself, “I just don’t want to have sex with her because I’m nervous, yeah, that must be it,” and decided to just move forward with it. 

I do like drama that comes from characters trying to be helpful but unintentionally saying or doing the wrong thing - that’s what happens in the locker room scene with Isak and Even. When Isak says he’s better off without mentally ill people in his life, he’s telling Even this as a way of saying that his mother won’t cause problems for them, he doesn’t care what she’ll think of them dating. So taken on its own, I think this scene is fine.

HOWEVER. The pacing of this season is again, SO SO weird, because this scene would have fit right in around episodes 2-3? Right after Robbe tried and failed to have sex with Noor, you know ... the first time? Or the second, or the third? Like … have it be in line with Isak’s episode 3 sexuality crisis, all the “why does he have to be so gay” stuff. It would’ve worked well to have this talk at like, the beginning of episode 3, and then have Robbe making the “that guy is so gay” comment as an unintentional result of this - by trying to convince himself he is just straight and nervous and distancing himself from being gay. We had three entire scenes of Robbe failing to fuck Noor, so narratively, why did we need to wait this long for Jens to talk to him about it? 

Clip 2 - AGAIN?

Robbe invites Noor over to bone. He’s lit about a million candles and is trying to make this a big romantic deal, except lmao, he has on David Bowie’s Life on Mars … Robbe … what u doing…

Actually, I’m not sure if this is diegetic music or not, if Robbe is blasting Bowie from his phone as mood music or if he’s only hearing this song inside his head. I think we’re definitely meant to take away that Robbe is hearing the song since it gets distorted as he slinks down Noor’s body, and that it’s not just there for the audience. In either case, Sander is supposedly the shadow hanging over this sad hetero affair.

Tbh listening to Life on Mars is the best part of this season and I wish I could just like … listen to this song play against a black screen instead of watching poorly written, repetitive clips.

They start to get it on and he takes off her shirt, unhooks her bra, yadda yadda, he doesn’t look happy but he soldiers on and it’s implied they went All The Way. On the one hand, I will rage if they actually had sex. On the other hand, if they don’t, it’s yet another clip where the same shit happens, Robbe tries to bang Noor and fails.. 

Clip 3 - Robbe’s not turned on by Noor and this is BRAND NEW INFORMATION

… okay, so he didn’t have sex with her AGAIN? He couldn’t get it up?

For fuck’s sake. I mean, on the one hand I’m glad it was actually Robbe’s choice (apparently) to put a stop to the sex instead of like, someone else walking in and interrupting yet again, but on the other hand, I feel like we have done this scene SO MUCH. We KNOW. About the only thing that’s changed I guess is that Robbe kissed a boy and now he’s trying to be straight? If this was only like the second time this scene had happened, it would have been fine.

I just don’t have a coherent idea of Robbe’s arc. This season is going in circles. 

Anyway, Robbe couldn’t get it up, Noor is sympathetic, she asks if it’s her, Robbe says she’s amazing, he looks sad and haunted blah blah we’ve already seen this play out.

Why were these separate clips? In the first clip, we have Robbe seemingly determined to have sex with Noor, and then in the second, he can’t get it up. So why not SHOW THE MOMENT OF CHANGE? Are these filmmakers on drugs? This is storytelling 101. Like there’s no reason to split up these clips except to cause a bit of anxiety if you happen to be able to watch the clips at the exact time they’re posted, and from a real-time perspective I get it, but that’s ineffective for the vast majority of people who will have to watch later and then will watch these two clips together at the same time. I mean, the fact that it’s not even 10 minutes in between clips … just SHOW THE WHOLE SCENE. Holy fuck. How are they this incompetent?

The pacing of the scenes themselves is so weird. So many of the clips are oddly short, we don’t NEED them to be split into parts. It makes me really appreciate Julie’s pacing: Skam S3 episodes had 4-6 clips each, and in those clips, we got rich scenes packed with details, often multi-tasking within different story threads. wtFOCK’s pacing is simplistic and choppy and unnecessary.

Clip 4 - Milan gives Robbe a pep talk

Robbe is Googling erectile dysfunction which is honestly kind of funny (but again, probably would have been a better fit for earlier in this season, before Robbe had already kissed a dude ...) Milan comes in wanting advice on two shirts, Robbe is annoyed.

Milan tries to get Robbe to talk to him. It takes some prodding (and I do like how Robbe is swiveling in his chair and not looking at Milan) but Robbe admits there’s a guy who likes him and, after Milan asks, admits that it’s mutual. 

Tbh … I don’t find it so hard to believe that Robbe opened up to Milan even though they’re not anywhere as close as Eskild and Isak, because I do think another gay guy is a “safe” person to talk to about this situation and I can see Robbe doing it. What I do NOT get is why, here and now, Robbe is now openly admitting it. Why did we go from Robbe trying to fuck a girl and, before that, calling the boy he kissed a pervert and a homophobic slur, to admitting his attraction for a boy? Why the sudden turnaround? Based on the clips themselves, all we have to go off as a turning point is that he couldn’t fuck Noor, BUT this is nothing new for either Robbe and the audience, AND not being able to fuck a girl does not actually mean that Robbe would be able to fuck a guy, or that he’s into guys, and it especially doesn’t mean that Robbe would accept that he likes a guy.  I mean, he’s Googling “erectile dysfunction” not “am I gay?” which tbh seems still more like denial than anything. He’s blaming his lack of arousal on a medical issue, not his sexuality.

This scene would feel more true to me if Robbe was like, downplaying his side of it, or playing it off as only Sander had feelings and it wasn’t requited. That’s more in line with the characterization we have just been given, that Robbe is denying his attraction to Sander.

Another way would be to not split up the sex clip and to show like, Robbe flashing back to his kiss with Sander while he’s making out with Noor, so we get that it’s not just that he’s not into Noor, it’s that he’s very into Sander, and we see him grudgingly admit to himself that yes, he’s attracted to Sander (at the very least.) which would make it believable that he admits it to Milan. Cause and effect, etc.

MIlan is like, are you so nervous to tell me you have a crush on another guy (...????? um, yes, Milan, you have to know it’s hard to come out???) but is pretty supportive and says Robbe’s lucky to have him, Milan would have wanted himself when he was going through this. Robbe is just like, I don’t know what I feel and I want everything to be normal, there’s too much shit going on right now. Milan says Robbe IS normal and he doesn’t want to bottle up who he is, the pressure will get too real and he’ll explode, he’ll hurt people. Robbe seems to take this advice seriously, so hopefully this scene will actually lead to cause + effect.

Again, this scene is fine on its own? There’s just something about the pacing of the season as a whole that feels strange.

I don’t know if this is supposed to be the equivalent of the Pride clip, because Robbe doesn’t say anything offensive and Milan didn’t get upset. Milan’s advice is good about not pushing away who you really are, but there’s nothing specifically confronting internalized homophobia, which Robbe desperately needs seeing as he’s had some extremely homophobic outbursts. I think it’s a shame to lose that part of the scene, because it’s got a very pointed and urgent message. (EDIT from the future: We got the Pride clip later in the episode, so that’s good.)

Clip 5 - Robbe tells Jens he likes someone else

Robbe is sitting on the sidelines listening to music again. Jens comes over and asks how things are, Robbe says he took his advice with Noor and Jens is happy that he’s a matchmaker. Robbe is like no, there’s someone else. He says he thought it would go away, but it didn’t. 

For a moment it seems like this might be a sudden coming out scene, but Jens finally asks who it is and Robbe clams up and finds it hard to get out. Jens asks if she goes to their school. Robbe is saved by Moyo wanting to play a game against some guys.

This is some plausible conflict, at the very least, Robbe not being able to tell his friends that he’s into a guy. It would have been way better to focus on this instead of Robbe flinging a slur at Sander. Robbe’s friends seem like the clearest explanation for his internalized homophobia. 

Now Jens needs to follow up on this development, or else turn in his Jonas card. Because there’s dropping the subject if he senses Robbe doesn’t want to tell him yet, and then there’s forgetting about the subject because Jens isn’t that engaged with what’s happening with Robbe, and unfortunately the latter vibe has come across far more than the first. Like why does it seem like Jens is always walking away?

Clip 6 - Robbe breaks up with Noor

Old Town Road is playing as Noor meets Robbe in a cafe. One thing I do notice is that there are a fair amount of gay musicians on the soundtrack this season, so that’s cool.

Robbe is stressed because we can tell he’s gonna try to break up with Noor. He doesn’t order anything to eat. Noor is sympathetic about him not getting it up with her, but Robbe says he needs some time for himself, he has so much shit on his mind. Noor says she can help with that, he’s like nah, Noor is crying and reaching for him desperately. He gets up and walks out.

L O L I heard all about how Robbe supposedly handled this better than Isak, and I mean … on the one hand, I certainly agree that he did Noor a solid by officially breaking up with her and not just running away from her in the hallway. But er ... first of all, Robbe went wayyyyyyyyy farther with Noor than Isak EVER did with Emma. Robbe and Noor had an actual relationship for what, a month? Isak and Emma made out twice and flirted a bit. They were not exclusively, seriously dating. So yeah, Noor is owed this breakup. 

Second, Robbe still cheated on her with Sander before he broke up with her. The fact that they were naked while they made out in the pool frankly adds an on-screen sexual element to the cheating. And technically Isak making out with Even in the pool was not cheating … for sure it was a dick move to lead on Emma and then ditch her like that, I’m not going to say it was NBD, but like I said, they weren’t exclusively dating. I mean, in all my years of Skam fandom, it’s pretty rare that I’ve heard anyone refer to what Isak did as cheating - it’s usually talked about differently than Even cheating on Sonja. Robbe and Sander BOTH cheated on their girlfriends here. 

Third, it’s nice he did this with Noor but lmao, kinda small potatoes considering what Robbe said to Sander. 

Fourth, Robbe just gets up and leaves while she’s crying, lol. He let her order soup and then he ditched her! That’s cold as ice! Bro, you need to stick around until she tells you to leave, or you needed to pick a breakup location where both of you can leave ASAP without someone coming by with the meal you ordered.

And to be clear, I don’t think Robbe not handling this perfectly makes him a terrible person or anything. It’s more the comparison to Isak with how Isak is supposedly worse and Robbe is much nicer. Nah.

Sucks for Noor and all, but whyyyy are they making the Emma character so tragic and emphasizing this het relationship so much? We don’t even end the clip on Robbe’s POV. Because how he feels about this breakup doesn’t matter, I guess. Does he feel guilty? Free? Unsure? Conflicted? IDK because we close on her, not him! I’m sorry, but it’s not her season!

I mentioned this in an earlier reaction but I’m just super tired of gay storylines that have this intense focus on how much someone being gay hurts a straight person. I believe I mentioned Love, Victor as a prominent example, because Victor’s relationship with his girlfriend seemingly gets more screen time than the relationship with his actual male love interest. And I get why this storyline is relevant to a coming out arc, of course I do, but it really bugs me when the het relationship seems to overshadow the gay relationship, as it does here. At this point I feel like Robbe/Noor has been given equal plot relevance as Robbe/Sander, if not more, and that should not be the case. It’s not about shipping, it’s about wanting a story about a gay kid’s journey of self-acceptance to focus more on the life-changing love story that is the catalyst for embracing his sexuality, than the fake passion-less relationship that is doomed to failure that is just a momentary stumble in said journey of self-acceptance. There is no need to demonize Noor, but there is actually a middle ground between treating her with respect and empathy and making her the real victim of this story.

This narrative choice also does not exist in a vacuum. It is completely fair to be skeptical of the prioritization of a het relationship over a gay one. It’s fair to wonder why we’ve gotten multiple scenes of Robbe getting hot and heavy with a girl, why Robbe spends a pivotal clip being so sad about Noor that he doesn’t seem to really notice or care that he’s alone with the guy he supposedly likes. 

I mean, fuck, Robbe seems more upset about hurting Noor’s feelings by breaking up with her for legitimate reasons than he does about hurting Sander’s feelings by calling him a f*g and accusing him of sexual assault.

Clip 7 - Robbe tries to speak with Sander

Robbe goes to school (not his school, Sander’s) and asks where the art room is. He’s in a way better mood, a spring in his step, but LMAO you better pray that Sander actually wants to talk to you rather than kick your ass or avoid you for all eternity because of what you said to him.

Sander is sketching a nude male model. Robbe seems happy just to see him. He walks away and goes to the bathroom, fixes his hair, stares in the mirror, takes a deep breath. Then he goes up to Sander after the bell rings. Robbe wants to talk, Sander is not having it and walks away. Robbe is sad, angsty music plays. 

Uhhhhh, serves you right? No offense but I can’t even feel sad for Robbe in this scenario, because what he did crossed a line. Internalized homophobia is a hell of a drug, but there’s such a difference between Robbe just denying that the kiss meant anything or blaming it on being drunk or whatever, and essentially accusing Sander of sexual assault and calling him a slur. It’s not an ignorant mistake, it’s a malicious one. I feel bad that Robbe ever had such self-hatred that he made those comments in the first place and I certainly don’t hate him or think he should be forever alone, but it is 100% understandable why Sander would not want to speak to him after that.

Also, going up to Sander at his school was not the best move, because he’s basically ambushing him. Sander doesn’t have a choice whether to deal with Robbe in that moment. It would’ve been better if Robbe sent him some kind of apology text or voicemail first and left it up to Sander whether he wanted to meet. I get that’s not as good for televised dramaaaa, but it’s kinder to Sander. (And if Sander doesn’t respond, or if he’s blocked Robbe, well, those are just consequences of Robbe’s actions that he’ll have to live with.)  EDIT: Robbe actually did contact Sander first via text, wanting to meet up so he could explain. That does make it somewhat better, although I still think he shouldn’t have approached him at school. If Sander doesn’t want to talk to you? Then give him space. Maybe he’ll be willing to hear you out in time, or maybe he’ll decide he’s better off without you, but Robbe’s the one who did something wrong and it’s not up to Robbe whether Sander forgives him.

Clip 8 - Robbe and Sander make up and kiss

Angsty music keeps playing as Robbe walks home. He sees a mom and her kids playing, more sadness presumably due to his own family troubles.

Sander has followed him and says he has five minutes. Robbe’s like “Why don’t you want to talk?” LMAO IDK ROBBE, WHAT COULD IT BE. 

Robbe says he’s sorry and that he loves Sander. LMAO WHAT. Is this a nuance of translation where “I love you” isn’t as strong as it is in English? Are you kidding me? 

First of all … he LOVES Sander when they’ve barely interacted? They’ve spoken only a handful of times. Hell, they only met in episode 3, and this is episode 5. It’s been like two weeks since they’ve met, and while I could buy that some ships fell in love in that short of time, this is sure as fuck not one of them.

Second … Robbe goes from shoving Sander and calling him horrible things and trying to fuck Noor, to professing his love for Sander, WITHIN DAYS? And this is the character who’s supposed to have a big coming out arc? What is nuance, what is good writing, what is a coherent idea of this character’s struggles with his sexuality and himself... The talk with Milan might convince Robbe to accept his feelings, but it would make way more sense if Robbe was more tentative about them. He doesn’t need to come out swinging the big epic declarations in order to accept his romantic interest in Sander.

Like this isn’t even based on what I personally think is believable for a romance, this is based on what wtFOCK has told me about this character! They made the choice to make him say more viciously homophobic things. They made the choice to have him go back to Noor and try to have sex with her for the millionth time.

I’m glad that Sander doesn’t buy the confession at first, at least. 

Robbe says that he was really fucked up and hat Sander is the first dude. There is a cute moment where he’s like “that kiss (mimes fireworks)” but then things went Chernobyl. Would have been great if we saw exactly what made him go Chernobyl and make him regret the kiss. He says he’s sorry but asks for one more chance.

Sander steps in, leans in for a kiss. “What about Chernobyl?” “Fuck Chernobyl.” They kiss, it’s really sweet, but lol they’re kissing in public??? Robbe is ok with this?? I just have abso-fucking-lutely no idea where this kid’s head is. Like ... how is he so cool with this considering where he was just days ago? Apparently Robbe’s internalized homophobia was so extreme that he was all “get away from me f*g” toward Sander with no clear catalyst, but also not so extreme that it couldn’t be fixed with a pep talk from Milan? Okay!

This scene would have been totally fine if Robbe’s mistake was less cruel and amounted to blocking Sander or telling him to stay away or w/e. It doesn’t feel satisfying for what Robbe actually did say.

Also, sigh, because Sander did forgive Robbe just like that, and I don’t buy it. I mean, if anything, it makes me sad for Sander. I want to tell him that he deserves better. I suppose I can buy this as part of his fear that no one will ever love him, that he’s desperate to be accepted and loved and so is quick to forgive.

It would have made more sense for Robbe to have a longer period of self-reflection, have him come out to his friends, etc. and then reunite with Sander an episode or so later, similar to how Isak and Even reunited at the end of episode 7. Or to have Sander take some time before letting Robbe talk to him, during which Robbe works on his own issues.

Sander gets a call from Britt, which he ignores, saying Britt’s the past, he and Robbe are the future (as the song lyrics talk about the future and the past … they’re going pretty on the nose this season. Fine by me, OG was also on the nose.) Lmao but Robbe has no right to be upset about Britt after he explicitly told Sander to stay away. I mean, it’s dubious of Sander to keep dating her after cheating, but he also thought Robbe was no longer an option sooo don’t be surprised Sander is still with her, dude.

Sander goes to meet Britt, but not before some make outs, some handholding. I think their chemistry is good! It’s just that I don’t really buy the depth of this relationship. It legit makes me sad that these actors are getting served this half-assed material. 

Clip 9 - Zoë gets a letter

Robbe goes home and gets a text from Sander, with a sketch of them, saying their kiss was Chernobyl. Well, that’s cute.

Milan is telling Zoë about seeing some straight-looking dude on the bus who melted when Milan looked at him. Robbe is in a good mood and is gonna do the cooking. Milan observes that he’s happy and asks if things went well with his (Robbe looks toward Zoë) “lovely girlfriend”. At least Milan covered for him! (EDIT from the future: Ahahaha, funny considering how casually people out Robbe this season...) 

Robbe hands Zoë some mail that turns out to do with Viktor, the apparent Nikolai in this version, about the case going to court. She has to testify. She is upset and walks out of the kitchen.

I complained a bit about Zoë/Senne drama taking up time in Robbe’s season, but to be clear, I have no problem with them following up on this plot point from S2. It’s a hugely important story. But I also think it works best if you integrate it into Robbe’s story, by drawing a parallel to their situations, finding a common theme, etc. And it depends on whether Robbe’s story is otherwise satisfactory, because if the writing is pretty tight, I’m not really bothered by digressions in other characters’ subplots. 

Clip 10 - Robbe and Sander get cozy

Oh hey, it’s the big cuddling clip! Robbe and Sander goof off, pillow fight, smoke a joint, make out. Mostly make out. Sander shows Robbe a sketch of him (Robbe) and implies how good it would look on a wall (big). 

Robbe’s fave actor is Leonardo DiCaprio, because hasn’t Sander seen Romeo + Juliet? It’s fucking beautiful.

Man, on the one hand, sick Skam reference, and it’s just a simple, cute little nod to OG, not something complicated. I can dig that. But on the other hand, now I’m annoyed at how Isak got all of this beautiful development and watching R+J actually meant something for his character, and Robbe has absolutely nothing like that. Stuff like the fact it’s Robbe who likes R+J instead of Sander, WHICH IS FINE, but like … doesn’t say anything about Robbe’s view on masculinity or w/e, doesn’t do much for his characterization.

Sander takes pics of Robbe. Their chemistry is cute. Once again I despair at gifted actors being given subpar material leading up to this clip.

LMAO at them copying the dialogue from OG, Sander being all life is like a movie. Again, irrationally annoyed because this dialogue MEANT something to Even. Even was a huge film buff and an aspiring director. Sander hasn’t mentioned movies at all, he’s into art and David Bowie and photography. So why not have Sander quote some Bowie lyrics that explain his thoughts on life? Mention what art means to him? Personalize this dialogue so that it’s specific to Sander. Or, if you’re going to borrow this chunk of dialogue, at least establish Sander as a film enthusiast prior to this clip.

Also that Isak brought up the multiverse theory because he was smart and inquisitive, but I have no idea who the fuck Robbe is. Does this make sense with Robbe’s prior characterization? Shrug.

I do like the multiverse reference to Spider-Man because HELL YEAH Into the Spider-Verse!!! Fucking masterpiece! I could be watching that for the 20th time instead of the upcoming gay-bashing hate crime.

I do like Sander’s acting in this scene and his reaction, how the music (“Ocean Eyes”) stops when Sander starts talking about multiverse theory. His dialogue is a little different here than OG, about thinking about what he’s done and wondering why he thinks something, his thoughts never stop, which fits in with bipolar disorder.

Robbe notices he’s a little agitated, Sander says the only way to stop your thoughts is from dying. So I guess we’re putting in the suicidal thoughts in this version?

“Sometimes I forget how young you are.” Are they the same age in this version? Lmao. It’s a joke so it’s not a big deal.

Robbe starts kissing him and asks when Sander fell for him. Sander is like, before you! When Robbe was spraying the graffiti he knew Robbe was the one. Robbe is like … you were there??

I mean. this is cute and all, but doesn’t it kinda take away from later events, if Sander goes back to Britt, then like … knowing Sander has been Pining All Along should create way less doubt in Robbe’s mind? When Even went back to Sonja, there was room for actual doubt in Isak’s mind (and the audience’s) about the sincerity of Even’s feelings. I think people forgot that the “I saw you the first day of school” moment at the end of the season was a surprise. I was in the fandom and I don’t think a lot of people thought Even had fallen for Isak that early. So Robbe now knows that Sander fell for him well before they even talked, doesn’t that remove some of the tension about Sander’s motives? I suppose it depends on how the story goes from here, but if it’s similar to OG, then I think it slightly lessens the ambiguity and tension.

Also, another reason why it would have been good to actually see the graffiti scene play out in episode 1… and to see what Robbe tagged on the wall … come on. COME ONNNN. Let’s see what got Sander’s attention! Did Robbe create something funny or clever or insightful? Wouldn’t that have been a great detail to show their connection? This is basic storytelling, hello? 

I guess if I’m being fair, we don’t know exactly what Even saw in Isak that first day of school, either. But then again, we didn’t see the first day of school in a clip, while we definitely saw the graffiti scene. Just a missed opportunity, IMO.

They kiss and Sander gets a text from Britt. According to Sander, he told Britt about him and Robbe, but she doesn’t believe him, which is what I assumed of Sonja too, btw. At least, that’s what I thought at Emma’s party where she initiated the kiss with Even. Sander says Britt is so controlling. Robbe seems uncertain.

Sander says there’s probably another universe where Sander is still with Britt, but he’s glad to be in this universe. I do like this part.

Clip 11 - Milan schools Robbe on Pride

Robbe’s alarm goes off in the morning. He smiles a bit, though, presumably because he’s got Sander in his life. He gets a good morning text from Sander, which is cute and makes him smile more. Goes into the bathroom and Milan is there. Sander texts Robbe that he’s been thinking about him in all universes, Robbe is happy.

Milan is like, when can I meet your boyfriend??? Robbe says soon. Awww, this interaction is pretty sweet. Milan is like, welcome to the club! You know, “our” club meaning dudes who like dudes.

Robbe is like, just because I’m with Sander doesn’t mean I belong to some club, I’m not like you. Milan is like … and how am I? Robbe gives the usual Isak-ish response of dressing up and talking about BJs, Milan gets upset. Robbe says there’s nothing wrong with being gay but when people think of being gay, they think of that and it’s not fair to those who aren’t like that. Robbe’s not going to put on leather pants and dance at pride just because he likes Sander!

Milan gets very upset and goes into the Pride speech. I always appreciate this scene and I’m grateful that it’s one thing the remakes don’t really fuck with, since it’s so important (I think the remakes all recognize that it’s amazing, heh). 

Senne wanting to use the bathroom is kind of a jarring thing, they should’ve just let the moment sink in.

Robbe takes a Good Hard Look at himself in the mirror which is on the nose but like, better than nothing. I think there was a mirror earlier in the season? I confess that I’m so hung up on the basic writing fumbles that I might be missing stuff that’s actually supposed to be symbolic.

Anyway, all things considered, I think they did fine with this clip. Robbe coming out to Milan earlier in the episode did help pave the way for this talk since they didn’t have the close relationship as Isak and Eskild. Like, any issues I might have with it are related to the bigger issues in the season, but on its own, I felt like it was decent, and the “welcome to the club” comment is something I can believe Milan would say and something that would make Robbe reply with a boneheaded comment.

Clip 12 - This fucking scene

Robbe and Sander flirt in a bar and get touchy-feely with each other. For some baffling choice, we start with some rap/hip-hop song and then it cuts to “Two Men In Love” by The Irrepressibles … like … you could just start the clip with that song instead of this weird non-transition?

They kiss and then move outside the bar and then kiss and cuddle some more (again … I ask, where did Robbe’s boldness with gay PDA come from ...) Robbe jumps on Sander for a piggyback ride. They kiss passionately in the street.

Ahahahahahahahahah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAA FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Some homophobes spot them and call them slurs. Robbe and Sander try to grab their bikes and quickly leave. The bigots manage to grab them and beat the shit out of them. It’s really brutal, like we get POV shots from the ground as the guys kick them. The guys call them f****ts once more before leaving Robbe and Sander crumpled on the ground in the fetal position. The wheels on the bike go round and round.

I mean … where do you even start.

OK, I’ll start here: worst decision made in a Skam S3 remake yet.

“Yeah, Skam season 3 was a masterpiece and all, but you know what I could have used more of? Violent gay-bashing,” said no one ever.

I don’t get triggered by media, not really, but boy am I glad I was spoiled for this. Because I do get fucking angry at media. And I’m angry now, but if I was watching this unspoiled? Man, I would’ve popped a couple of blood vessels. And I feel so, so sorry for people who watched this unprepared and were triggered. Because yeah, it is a remake and not 100% like the original, you can’t predict everything that will happen. But this isn’t something that you expect in S3, because you expect the writers to know enough to leave this shit out. This isn’t made with kind intentions for the audience, it’s made for shock value.

Consider that the WHOLE POINT of this very, very short clip is the hate crime, btw. It’s like two minutes long! They dropped a clip just for a cute kissing montage and then to interrupt it with a brutal beating! Something about that makes it even more repugnant than if it were like … a long involved scene about something else, and this happened. IDK, something about it feels even more tasteless, like this beating is their cinematic setpiece.

The first-person POV of the beating = not necessary. Like of ALL the fucking times in your season to actually give a shit about the importance of POV, lmao. This isn’t a video game. I’m not shooting zombies or getting jumped by bandits.

Remember when Skam faded to black on Noora’s blackout? And cut away from Even walking naked out of the hotel? Yeah, there are plot and POV reasons for those, but they were also ways to respect the audience and not include pointlessly triggering, exploitative material. 

There’s just so much to say about this bad choice that I’m at a loss. Why did we need to go here? In particular, why did we need to go here knowing how the rest of the season plays out? Because for me, that’s what clinches this as a terrible decision. This isn’t a shitty scene with a satisfying follow-up. The resolution - or non-resolution, as it turns out - of this plot development is what exposes wtFOCK’s true character.

There is an AMAZING Evak vid set to Two Men In Love and I recommend you watch it to get the bad taste out of your mouth from this scene.

HOW I WOULD REWRITE THIS EPISODE:

Sigh.

This is just textbook bad writing for coming out stories, not to mention packed full of tired cliches.

Closeted gay guy is violently homophobic (Robbe calls his love interest homophobic slurs and accuses him of being a pervert) - I’m sorry but I am so tired of the “dating your bully” trope and this is what it fell into for me. Why should Sander take back Robbe after that? After Sander told Robbe he was afraid no one would ever love him? 

Gay-bashing For The Drama, to make sure you know homophobia is bad, really bad.

Overemphasis on the heterosexual love interest (“love interest”) and how it’s hurtful to her, like I get that it’s a delicate topic with not demonizing her, but I always feel like there is SO much interest on straight characters in these stories! It’s not about them!

The hate crime has to go. Really. What is even the POINT of it in this particular story? As if there wasn’t enough angst in S3? Especially if you consider: they wasted a few episodes on repetitive nonsense. Their pacing is fucked up. And now you have to insert this monumentally offensive storyline and its fallout into a season already full of problems? Next.

Okay, I will offer ONE way to incorporate the hate crime, and that is simple: Make the rest of the season about the fallout. Similar to Noora’s season with her assault, dive deep into the trauma, spend a few episodes with Robbe and Sander recovering, telling their friends about it, going to the police about it. Cut back on other drama from S3. Don’t fuck around with Sander going back to Britt, unless you tie it in directly to him being afraid to date a guy after the hate crime. Don’t fuck around with Noor outing Robbe considering he has enough shit on his plate. If you want to bring her back, make her support him through the trauma. Honestly? Don’t fuck around with the hotel incident. Like I truly hate to lose Sander’s mental illness as a vital part of the season, but adding a full-blown manic episode on top of gay-bashing is way too much misery porn. I think you could probably show how the hate crime and resulting trauma affect Sander’s mental state without pushing it into full-blown wandering the streets naked while manic. 

Do I particularly like this plot? I mean, no, not compared to the original, and I feel like this is better off as its own thing rather than a S3 adaptation. But at the very least, I can see the attempt to take the hate crime seriously. You cannot just throw in this type of scenario to shake things up and leave it at that. This show is specifically made for teenagers, to take their struggles seriously and to give them positive examples of how to handle problems. If you prioritize the violent act itself because it’s dramatic and shocking, rather than the recovery (because that’s like, boring and uninteresting, amirite), then you’ve shown your ass. You don’t understand the purpose or the appeal of Skam in the first place.

Jumping ahead, I think this is exactly where wtFOCK exposes its true intentions. wtFOCK does not care about helping vulnerable teenagers find solutions to tough problems. wtFOCK does not care about healing or educating. wtFOCK is about shaking the audience so hard that viewers get whiplash. If wtFOCK gave a shit about helping the audience, the rest of the season would focus on Robbe and Sander dealing with the assault, giving them options to report it, showing them ways to cope with the trauma. Things that might help audience members who unfortunately also found themselves victims of hate crimes or homophobic violence. Those are not present in the rest of the season. It’s just a fucking soap opera. 

If you MUST have a homophobic incident to go with your dark ‘n’ edgy season, you can still limit it to some assholes yelling homophobic slurs without resorting to violence. That’s bad enough, and it did happen to Isak and Even later in the series. Even if you decide you MUST have a violent angle to this incident for whatever reason, I don’t fucking know why but OK, you don’t need to film it in this super exploitative manner where our heroes are getting viciously beaten on the ground. But there are so many ways to incorporate external homophobia without this shit.

Wouldn’t this dreadful scene make more sense at least if it had happened after the pool kiss? Like they go out a few days later, the hate crime happens, and then THAT’s why Robbe pushes away Sander and calls him names? Because now he’s afraid and he’s internalized what the bigots said? It’s tragic and gross, but at least there’s some character-driven logic in that sequence of events.

Another thing that really doesn’t work is that they’re straying so far from the original script, but at the same time they keep jamming in scenes from the original, except there isn’t the same buildup. Or any buildup, sometimes. This results in an incoherent mess of a season and of a POV character, where Robbe is part-Robbe, part-Isak.

I think all the remakes do this to a degree: there are certain beats they feel they must hit, and they hit them even though they’re off course. You need to commit either to doing a mostly faithful adaptation of the original, or to doing a remake with your own spin on the characters, but you need to be very, very careful not to just haplessly mix ‘n’ match the two. Does a scene from OG make sense within this remake universe? No? Then drop it, rewrite it, do what you need to do, just don’t carelessly recreate it if it doesn’t fit.

The way they’re writing Jens is bizarre because he seems to care enough about Robbe to ask him how he’s doing, but also not care enough to stick around and listen once the next shiny thing comes along. From the beginning they’ve set up the friendship tension with the boy squad as not just Robbe’s fault, but as a failure of his friends to pay attention as well. Like in the first episode Robbe is trying to talk to them and they just ditch him! They really need to make Jens more aware of how he himself has messed up with his friend, and not act like this is all Robbe’s doing.

We don’t need another Noor blue balls scene, thank you, bye. But if we keep this one, then we absolutely needed to see what exactly made Robbe stop in the act of sex with her, such as him flashing back to his kiss with Sander. Or even just letting us see him make the decision, because goddamn, what’s with wtFOCK not letting this young actor actually act out some of the meatiest material?

Overall, give Robbe more baby steps in his personal development, and not unbelievable leaps and changes in his behavior because the plot demands them.

I did try to think of a way to incorporate much of the same material from this week, including a hate crime, in a way that made more sense and was not ridiculously OTT or offensive. It’s hard because I really think you need to go back to the beginning of the season, but here’s what I came up with, borrowing some elements from the last episode as well.

Robbe wakes up the night after kissing Sander. He’s happy and glowing, he sees a cute text from Sander and smiles. Then he goes to the kitchen and Milan is there with a black eye or something, he’s talking to Zoë and Senne, maybe they’re tending to his injuries. Robbe asks what happened. Milan had a date last night and some homophobes started giving them a hard time, Milan wasn’t having it, punches were thrown. Milan is very shaken and upset. So is Robbe, who panics. Is this what he has to look forward to if he’s dating a gay? Will people harass him just for being out with his boyfriend? The implications of what it means to be a gay person in this world hit him really hard. He looks at Sander’s text again and ignores him and possibly blocks him. At some point we will establish that Robbe is also ignoring texts/calls from everyone else, too: Noor, Jens, his mom...

Sander shows up the next day outside Robbe’s place after Robbe has been ignoring him. He tries to talk to Robbe, but Robbe is freaked out and visibly nervous, his eyes darting around - he’s paranoid now about being seen with Sander, due to Milan’s incident. He’s worried about being a target for homophobic violence, understandably so. Sander doesn’t realize that Robbe’s frightened, however, and keeps talking and being nice. Robbe tries to play off the other night as just him being drunk, it was a mistake. When Sander physically gets too close to Robbe, Robbe yells that he’s not gay and runs inside, leaving Sander alone.

Robbe encounters Milan at home alone. Milan is still bruised from the homophobic incident. Milan is unusually subdued. Robbe says he’s sorry for what happened to Milan, it’s terrible. Robbe then sticks his foot in his mouth by saying something well-intentioned but hurtful and ignorant about how maybe Milan shouldn’t be so gay in public or w/e, since that will just attract homophobes, and that not all gay people act like Milan (meaning flamboyant, etc.) Milan gets really, really upset and snaps at Robbe about how gay people have been beaten and killed for just being who they are - basically a version of the Pride speech with a somewhat different context - and that it takes bravery and strength, Robbe doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. So that ends on a bad note for them.

Now trying to get out of the house since he’s fought with Milan, Robbe meets up with Jens, or maybe Jens finds him at the park or whatever. Jens comments on how it’s been a while since they’ve talked. Robbe says he was just worried about what the guys would say since he blew up at them previously. Jens is like, dude, we’re your friends. You have to talk to the people who care about you, you can’t just ghost them and avoid facing your problems. Robbe takes this advice to heart. Jens tells Robbe that he’s ready to listen when Robbe wants to talk.  Maybe Robbe sees something that reminds him of Sander, like graffiti on a building, and despite his fears, we can see that he really misses Sander, and that his feelings for Sander are stronger than his fears.

Next he meets up with Noor. She’s really upset that he’s been ignoring her. He apologizes and a version of the breakup scene goes down. When Robbe leaves, we see him walk away with a conflicted expression. Sorry that he’s hurt Noor, but understanding that this was the right call, and relief that he doesn’t have to pretend any more. 

Robbe sees Milan again and apologizes for what he said last time. Milan accepts his apology. Robbe admits that he’s been confused lately because he likes a guy and he doesn’t know what that makes him. Milan says something like that’s great Robbe likes a guy and that Robbe doesn’t need to label himself right now, he should just follow his heart. Maybe that liking boys is scary (Milan points to his black eye) and sometimes you need to be careful, but at the end of the day, Milan has to be himself and live his life honestly, and so does Robbe. After Milan leaves, Robbe takes out his phone and texts Sander saying he wants to talk.

Sander meets Robbe somewhere and Robbe apologizes for ignoring him, says he freaked out because that was the first time he kissed a guy, but now he’s made up his mind that he wants to be with Sander. They kiss and make up, yayyyyy.

This is by no means a perfect solution (like the thought of then going into the shit with Britt next episode on top of this makes my head hurt), this is just an attempt to include stuff like homophobic violence, Robbe’s ghosting Sander, scenes with Jens and Noor, etc. in a way that makes a little more linear sense to me and doesn’t feel as haphazard, and isn’t super triggering or exploitative. I think if you have a hate crime happening to Robbe himself, that really needs to be the main focus from here on out, for at least a few episodes; if you have something off-screen happening to another character, you can address the topic of violent homophobia without having it dominate the season or featuring triggering scenes. And hopefully it would still have some emotional impact, because we see how it affects Milan, and some clear consequences for character development, because we see how it affects Robbe, as the situation he may find himself in one day.

If I missed anything, cultural notes, translation nuances, let me know!

[spacegaywritings]

“All Time Low” - Bad Therapists have a special Place in Hell

Summary: Patton describes depressive episodes and being unable to live life. The therapist tells him it is okay and normal to feel sad and to stop being a wussy when Patton tells him life does not feel worth living at the moment.

Disclaimer: writing based on subjective experiences based on therapy, mental health issues and (LOCAL) stigmas. You might have better/worse/different experiences with your struggles and how they were perceived and treated. Your culture or surroundings might have different bias. This is for venting and does not objectively apply to everyone’s experience of their mental illness or struggles.

Tags: u! emile, bad therapists, mental health issues, depression, invalidating mental illness, suicidal thoughts, feelings of hopelessness/worthlessness, self-deprecation, no perspective, bad memory, worried family, worried doctors, shitty Emile lmao, depression being seen as lazy, drastic weight loss, implied self harm, implied suicide contemplation/plan, mentions of sex, mentions of pretence, repression, bad coping mechanisms, someone revoke the dude’s license lmao.

My KoFi  - Support me ♥ or Commission me

Note: If you miss any tags, have issues with links or any other concerns, please feel free to contact me. Anon is on and my DMs are open.♥

Links broken? Inform me, please!

Overview of this series on tumblr / ao3.

Story under the cut ( Wordcount: ~2,1k)

Dull eyes took in the white walls framing the therapist’s office. Patton took in the sight before him. It felt as boring as life, as uneventful and tasteless.

Looking at these walls made him feel as if his state had gotten much worse. If it had not been for his general practitioner to send him over and for his daily life to become so unbearable to him, he would have stayed at home and just not have gotten up to this appointment. His family was being persistent. He did not think it was that important. He just wanted to sit it out in his bed and not do anything for a little bit longer.

 “Hello there, Patton!”

 A friendly face rushed in. It was just as blank as the walls to him. He tried to smile back at the person who beamed so nicely at him. His lips barely moved. He could taste the bitter bile of guilt taking up the back of his throat.

 “Hello.”

 The therapist narrowed his eyes.

 “Oh, well, I have heard more cheery responses today. This is the first time we meet and you show up like this? A little disappointing~”

 The singsang voice made Patton want to crawl back under his bed’s quilt. It smelled bad but only if he left his bed for long enough to realise the smell again. He had become dull to it like to anything else in life.

Might as well live in a stinky bed and a stinky life.

It was not like these words, as cheery as they sounded, could lift him up. They only pushed him deeper into the darkest corners of his own feelings.

 “I- I’m sorry.”

 Patton’s words were slow and he curled deeper into his big big hoodie. He had parked his greasy hair underneath the actual hoodie part of his clothing and he had messily put on some jogging pants. The pant’s legs were lanky around his own legs, even his thighs. They looked like he had taken his older brother’s pants to be his own and he had yet to “grow into it”.

It was at least comfortable enough for his body to drown in the gown and hide his pathetic existence away.

 Not that this really mattered anyway.

 “Oh, there there. It will be okay. I just made a little joke! You really are not up for the smiley treatment today, huh? Well, I am your therapist - Doctor Emile Picani! The reception said you are all good to go and I checked in your insurance card, too. Now, would you be so free to tell me what brought you here today?”

 The adolescent shrugged his shoulders.

He was not worth the therapist’s time anyway. His thoughts were a soup made of dirt and grass and it revolved only about how he was stupid and selfish for going to the appointment made for him. He should have resisted harder and let someone in need have this session.

 Still, a little bit of fire in him pushed him onto the couch as if to lay down or at least crawl as far away from the sunlight and the big, observant eyes of this world.

 “I, uh.. my family thinks I need help”, he slowly explained. Emile was tempted to yawn. Even a turtle would be faster at walking than Patton was at speaking. This was going to be a long session, a stretching act like pulling at sweet, juicy gum.

“My doctor said I am, uh, losing weight. My family says I don’t have a perspective.”

 His hands found their way to a little piece of crumbled paper in the front pocket of his hoodie. He slowly pulled it out, adjusting his round glasses.

 “They wrote it down. Uh- I lost weight, don’t remember things and lose focus or something.. um, something about not doing anything, being really slow and uh.. they just said weird.”

 Patton shrugged, sniffling a bit.

He tried not to cry at the note but a part of him had become apathetic enough for him to not break into tears. The world was better off without him anyway. He just wanted to go back and sleep or pretend to sleep in his little room.

Not interact with people, not be with anyone and disappoint them with his terribly low performance in life. His existence was enough failure already.

 “Uhu.. they said you are being “weird”? Well, aren’t we all a bit weird sometimes! Are you dieting at the moment, perhaps increased the amount or intensity of exercise you are doing?”

 The younger male shook his head.

 “You did lose a lot of weight, though?”

 A nod, this time.

The therapist hummed in thought, scribbling onto his clipboard.

 “Now, how have you been feeling the last days?”

 The client pulled his thin shoulders up in a shrug, his face slightly distorting into a weird expression. His nose seemed to turn upwards.

 “Uh, I would say... not so .. great?”

 Another shrug fell from his shoulders as he sighed.

 “I just feel.. nothing, I guess. Or bad. Maybe.”

 More shrugs were countered by Emile’s rapid nods.

 “Alright. Have you been doing things these days? Did anything happen in your life? Maybe a breakup, maybe a loss in your family.”

 Patton hugged himself, gently blowing through his heavy hair strands. The grease kept it down. The strands fell into his sight and covered his eyes but moving his hands seemed out of the question. He tried to blow it off again but the strands fell right into his eyes.

Well, he deserved that, probably. Not that fixing his hair was worth the effort.

 His head shook itself.

 “No. Graduated.. um.. “, he trailed off, his voice fading into hums.

 Emile snapped his fingers to gain Patton’s attention.

 “You graduated? Congratulations! Me too.”

 Shoulders rose, barely as much as his chest rose with every breath he took.

 “I guess... You made it to a phD, though. I just hang in my room..”

 His lips twitched for a moment. Patton looked onto the floor. Always has been looking at the floor. He spared Picani the miserable sight of his whole face being exposed to him. Or even his soulless eyes. Oh no, he should spare anyone his own presence.

 “Well, you can work on that! So, you are feeling bad a lot, don’t do anything and this has been ever since your graduation?”

 This time, his shoulders as much as flexed as if to mimic the shrugs he did not have the energy to repeat once more.

 “I don’t really.. no.. I guess graduation was my peak.”

 The therapist nodded with the energy Patton lacked.

He hoped the other would gain something from this session. Maybe money. Yes, the insurance paid money for this.

 “Oh, this looks pretty direct. You have issues with sadness”, he revealed, his emphasis on the sad part reminding Patton of puppets. Oh, he wished he was a child again. Full of life and enjoying simple puppet shows on TV.

“But! Sadness can be helped! You only have to do things again!”

 Emile let his pen drop onto the clipboard and put his hands up, palms stretched out to face Patton.

 “Things..?”

 The therapist nodded, his tone alive, his body rising as he started pacing back and forth like a mad scientist discussing his ultimate invention. It was a great plan, a perfect plan! It had to be revealed because it was! Perfect! Perfect! Perfect! He was such a genius with his phD and his comfortable desk job!

 “Yes!!!”, the doctor practically screamed back at him, “you have to make plans and structure your life and go out there again! Stop being so lazy and boring! You need to go out and stop sulking in the corner like a kicked dog! Nobody wants that!”

 The dull blue eyes filled with water. They looked like wet buttons more than actual human orbs.

 “I... nobody wants me?”

 He felt like a child terribly reprimanded by their parents.

 “Nobody! I promise. You are being a real party pooper but you can just change and be nice again, so people will stop feeling bad for you. You are blowing all of your feelings waaaay out for proportion!”

 Emile’s hands moved to illustrate an invisible line that stretched the more his arms moved apart.

 “Everyone feels a little sad sometimes. It is normal! It is important to recognise your feelings and move on. See the sadness? Call it sadness and move on. Work through it. If you have time to be sad, you have time to literally be doing anything else. Mental illness is a matter of having too much time. It is a luxury and you cannot afford this. Your family has been waiting for you to take flight like a bird! But you are staying at home, neither working or studying nor looking into any other things to do. Do you even do chores?”

 Patton’s eyes were drowning in tears. His throat was tight and suffocating Patton in upcoming cries that were stuck enough for him to choke on his own sadness. His ears were covered by an overwhelming sound of static, muffling the sounds of his environment.

He was always on static.

This time, his heart seemed to stop and the tears burned pain into his face. The streaks they left were like whiplashes to his heart and he could feel himself barely able to breath.

 Emile smiled, nodding.

 “You are doing great, Patty! Really great! Feel the feelings, listen to your heart, listen to your pain and your thoughts - amplify it!”

 He squatted before the crying creature like a motivational coach in gyms. His yelling made Patton cry harder as Emile instructed him to listen to his thoughts dragging him through the mud and sing songs of suicide and happy pills.

 “Now stop.”

 Patton looked up at him, petrified.

The therapist put his fingers close to his thumb as if to squeeze Patton’s will to live between them. Slowly, painfully so, the fingers inched closer until they met.

By then, his tears were gone and dried. The shock and messy anticipation too intense for him to wail further in his miserable feelings and adverse state.

 “I want you to go out and put on some makeup if you want to, if you need to. Go and hook up with someone and feel like a person. Go out with friends, get drunk and take anything you can to make yourself happy. Go out there and make me happy, make yourself happy! You don’t need therapy to get over a little bit of heartbreak over graduating.”

 He approached Patton, turning to make space for him. His movements asked Patton to get up but he felt too wonky and wobbly to even twitch or blink. Breathing was too much.

The therapist helped him up. It was a blur. He was patted on the back and internally, he wanted to cry at how ironic it was that he was Patton and got pats on the back.

 Doctor Picani lead him to the door, spouting more nonsense about “going out more” being the cure to his issues.

 He has never felt worse.

Patton slowly retreated to his family’s car and curled up. When he was asked how it went, he did not know how to respond and bit his tongue.

 “You cried? I hope you got it all out, then. I am sure that helped a lot but I can be in contact with them if you need me to. Anyway, let’s go have some lunch.”

 It was the last things Patton heard.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++ +++++ +++++ +++++

End Note: This is not how a therapist should treat you. If someone treats you or your issues like that, please make sure you leave immediately and report this. A real therapist will validate your concerns and try to redirect your thoughts. If you have mental health issues, please reach out for help. Depression and sadness can have several different causes. If you are worried about similar issues as the character depicted in the story, please try to keep a journal or a mood tracker to help yourself. It makes sense to contact a GP and work with a therapist and even psychiatrist if needed.

Please take care of yourself and don’t anyone call you lazy for having mental health struggles. Do not listen to depression or anxiety talking you down.

[mgatala]

random

why? this pandemic got me so stress than id ever thought i could, countless anxiety attacks, nobody knows. 

how? this is how the only thing i could ever think to vent things out.

what? maybe things that happened and thoughts that been on m mind lately.

  first

when the lock-down lifts up, the first thing that was my concern is my academic status, its not a good time (march) to stop the school, perhaps i didn't even redeem myself for all the quizzes and tests. then, it was suspended that they just have to based our grades to whatever we’ve done, and i know im lacking. then May came, grades are released. Ive got two failing grades, two major grades, i cannot stress enough how depressing this for me, I’m on my fourth year of college and this the first time, Ive failed on a subject. In this time of pandemic, this. I’ve been disappointed with myself, the people around me, and literally lost some support financially, scholarship. i didnt know what to do, i dont want to run to anyone, this is just a burden, i accepted it thinking that I can be better, i know I am. I dont want to think this too often I am shifting my thoughts to more uplifting and postive because my health and my family is okay and that is more than enough. 

then, 

June came, birth-month. we all thought or hoped that sooner everything will be better but guessed what the government and some people didn't take this pandemic seriously, the cases are getting worst, and more deaths are on the row, still they wanna go out. the quarantine turns to GCQ a little lighter and not that strict protocol but to observe social distancing and wearing face masks and ppe. but still the virus is still here, the employees doesn't have the choice but to get off their asses and attend their offices because apparently they wanted to open for the sake of economy, and being on this country with having a poor public transportation, the people cant focus on social distancing they all can think about is how to get on the train, the jeep and the free ride some good Samaritan offers, they risk their life not because they are stubborn but because its their natural instinct for survival not for themselves but for their families, and to all of my friends that opened their online stores, you know I can only support by liking and sharing it to others, and to all who is also have to battle with mental illness, we all can come through it and choose to move forward.

 Salute to all the front liners and to all the person that choose to risk. but to the government that is using this pandemic to abuse their power for their own goodwill, middle finger up folks. 

I forgot that I mention its my birth month, well there’s nothing special I do when its my birth-month, but for some reason this month (june), ive come to realize that my family isn't that strong. my parents been living together for the sake of their kids, I don’t have any idea that this would happen to me, I always thought that we were happy and whole. and im very thankful that we were, my papa tell me things that happened in the past that he cant seem to let go, and i cant do anything about that. he already closed his mind, and decided that he’s done with everything they been through. The house doesn't feel like home, we are all here but the strings that i thought were there was long gone. Maybe that’s why i never really see the love that I’ve wanted to feel. there were no role models, they were neglecting each other and always tell tat they didn't really love each other, before it thought they were so in denial but now, its all a missing puzzle pieces to my questions when I was a child, I am grateful that they raise us, as a good person (I wanted to think so), they were a good individuals, very humbled and a God’s follower. but ive know this before that this is just them being a decent parents. I am still healing from this, trying to ignore the words that is murmuring inside my head, after this incident im having nightmares from my childhood, repetitively. but im moving forward.

lastly, now that I’ve finally committed to someone, knowing my love language was physical touch and quality time, I AM STRUGGLING. at first phase of this pandemic, we’ve encountered a lot of misunderstanding, I cried a lot cause i felt like I am not held right. this long distance is my nightmare, fairly even before on my past potential lovers. in all fairness to my partner, he tries to understand where all my fusses are coming from, that i am just missing him and being together was all I can think about. I was frustrated, for him to understand me i really say things what I feel. sometimes also, when i felt like saying ‘i miss you’ and haven’t been able to prove myself is holding me back to say it. like i wouldn’t say things that i cant do and proved. and on his side that I think was his love language is words of affirmation, perhaps I also frustrates him. I wouldn’t say a thing if I felt  like not doing so, I wouldn’t reach out if i thought it just doesn’t make sense to say things, but for him that’s everything, he can again function to hear things from me, but me, I don’t know where to get the will to think is this gonna work out, will I let myself be my old self again, that run from things that I cant seem to fathom, from things I don’t see working, I wouldn’t force, i wouldn’t risk. but that was before, before i love with so much reservations and too much focused on myself. I tried to contemplate, is this my partner also wants, does he deserve that ive been treating him very oddly, is he not trying. and all my questions were he just keeps proving himself that I was just overthinking things, I shouldn’t worry, this all just a phase and everything will work out. he never failed to remind me that he is willing and deserve all the love I can give, even when sometimes im hard to love. And i also see that even we cant see other for now, his strong presence when im on my downtimes he’s there, always. trying to crack a joke (corny), lifts me up with his words, and listen to me when all he can hear was me sobbing and complaining why life is like this. There is just too many green flags for me to ignore it, and embrace that someone is willing to understand me, and love me unconditionally. When im having my episodes he knows what to say, he always have the right words for everything. “just have a little faith” as he would say, and i would calm as if i was wrapped in his arms, stroking my back, and me knowing, Ive got some good thing right here. I wish right now he was sending me home, we’re having our casual story time, laughing and getting him mad but still can bear me. but right now his health is still my first concern, see u soonest xx

j

[newhologram]

I bond with a lot of customers, they just end up telling me their whole life story, and we always have something in common, no matter how different we are or what the age difference is. Mostly it has to do with living with invisible illnesses and chronic pain and how the world is very ignorant of our strength and resilience against a life of pain. We are so strong that we are like exploding stars on the inside when people KEEP CALLING US WEAK for needing what we need to function at our normal. It pisses us off.  Do you know how hard it is to live what even appears as a normal life when you’re in constant pain? We burn out from having to keep up with other people and function at their level whether mentally or physically, or, well. We really struggle and maybe die because from family, friends, and the medical system we have a HELL OF A TIME getting actual support.

I have people asking me if I’m going to become a doctor because I’m now so knowledgeable about these illnesses based on my experience + obsessively researching medical stuff to try to learn about how my multi-diagnosis body works and how to possible help heal some things

and ALMOST ALL MY FINDINGS

end up being huge obvious simple things like, “does this person have any kind of obstruction of blood or nerve flow?”

Spoiler: UH SHIT how do you say, “grew up with a progressively more and more compressed brainstem and a body covered in adhesions that restricted nerve and bloodflow even more???” which lead to even more damage in just like the perfect storm of bullshit weird illnesses that are so so so misunderstood because our doctors don’t think outside the box and it’s all just a competition/beauty pageant of wankers or just payin’ the bills and nothing matters, just strongarm your vulnerable scared patients into being your long-term cash cow!

The highschool blood drives, I either weighed too little during what I didn’t know were early colitis flares–or they’d stick the needle in and my blood would barely drip out. One nurse looked at me like “is she fucking alive?” and kinda joked about it. Every time I had bloodwork, same thing. My blood was just so slow. No doc clocked this.

Constantly being cold. My friends and family know that it could be a high 95 degree day and there I am covered up and maybe under a heating pad because I’m just frozen on the inside (not to mention the pain). 

Difficulty digesting food as a child. Almost all food just sits in stomach, ferments. Horrible bloating pains and yeah, GAS. Basically age 5 and up. No doc said, “this skinny little weird kid is fuming like a fucking factory, is she okay?!” They just said eh. Just don't drink milk anymore. Problem solved. 

Chronic bronchitis, walking pneumonia, missing school every single year because of it. Reproductive issues, very painful periods, vomiting. Always tired, lagging behind classmates, always zonking out in class or at daycare.

Clumsy and so uncoordinated it fucking hurt, kids are so mean… no adult thought, “um is her brain plugged in right?” But it wasn’t, and so now so many other parts of my body are in atrophy, with lesions and scars underneath, crystallized pain that you can feel and hear.

Like gravel and waterfall, I’ve been rebuilding, slowly, eroding them, the Medusa Marks of my soul manifested in physical form

and they still say it’s invisible??

IT CRUNCHES BITCH

WHY WOULD THIS BE NORMAL I AM TURNING INTO A HUNCHED STATUE because doctors are idiots who poked my swollen malshaped spine that distorted even my vision for several years and said, “yeah weird. oh u have fibromyalgia, narcolepsy, depression, anxiety, colitis, cyclic vomiting that lands you in the ER/urgent care multiple times a year? okay. just wondering, what do u want ME to do about it???” and said I was just the D word and loaded me up on a subscription where cancellation had a serious fee.

(withdrawals are experienced in another dimension)

Anyway, *snaps thumb* Hey, pay attention. If something is fucking weird, you look into it. We have this power and for that we are meant to thrive even if the literal government has its head up its ass. There is a way to be the best you and have the unconditional love and support for when you fall. Why aren’t they here for us, too? What did we do wrong–? We’re just us. We might be different in ways you can’t really “see” but we hurt a lot to be here, and we want the best for ourselves too, because we love ourselves so much and we have survived this long–long enough to make a difference to someone somewhere, anyone anywhere, who may need us.

Be here with us, please, we can make life better. We can learn too, and do what they couldn’t. The medical system shouldn’t only help the people who respond really well to prescription pills–That is a valid treatment but it shouldn’t leave those who don’t respond to it alone to fend for themselves just because it’s all most conventional doctors are willing to try–but we can investigate! We can research and learn so much and do more than our doctors would’ve ever thought to do with their limits, we can work together with them instead of just nodding and taking the bottles. For so long I tried to be a good girl, just listen to my doctors, just take my stimulants, doc said it would help, just take my antidepressants, doc said it would help, just take my sleeping pills, doc said it would help, just take my steroids, the doc said it would help. 

Guys, this is so TMI and I will regret later but I’m just so a n g r y about spending so many years suffering when there was really basic stuff the doctors could’ve done before resorting to pills. Basic as in: hey, is her brain to body connection healthy? 

NO?????

*!! And for clarification: I lived my whole childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood in progressively worsening pain, discomfort, weakness, dysfunction, and emotional instability leading to huge warning signs of something wrong that conventional doctors think does not exist even as a patient withers away into suffering and basically losing their shit during flare ups because that feel when physical pain is literally so unbearable you think eh, dying would be really cool with me right now! I’d miss my cats and make everyone sad, but hey, no more pain! 

**Ultra extra note though: so what was I born with and what was “induced” (??) by the subluxation/compromised flow, we do not know. I was first adjusted 6 months ago and recently again a few weeks ago and now I’m working on breaking down adhesions and strengthening/supporting my body during the recovery process (which could take like... 5+ years and will be a “rest of my life” thing, as recovery is for a lot of us). 

To put it simply, my body now has to MORPH INTO A MORE HEALTHY AND NORMAL FUNCTION.

Basically, when a spoonie is given the smart and effective care needed to heal, they can live more comfortably and have what they need for the flare ups that may still come. For some of us, pain and issues may still be pretty regular in our lives because—our brains and bodies are different, and that’s okay. It’s okay to be born different. Maybe we’re stunted physically and mentally and we struggle, but we can have tools for dealing with this and for being the best we can be, even if we are different. 

We don’t have to just resign ourselves to suffering like I did. For so long I said, “well, my illnesses are incurable. I know if I’m really smart I can at least treat them and manage them so that I can still follow my dreams. If I’m going to be in pain and throw up almost every day, I might as well be trying to do what I love.” 

But even then... my body broke down from it. And from this breakdown, I got even angrier. I thought I was doing everything right. So I got even more serious about my medical research which were already a daily thing. I found out about things the doctors never mentioned. I found out about things that made sense, that seemed so obvious. I found things that made a difference. 

Keep digging, find those answers, get smart, REST A LOT! Don’t skip naps if you are able to. Always better to take the nap. ALWAYS TAKE THE NAP, MAX.

SPOONIES STRONG!!

[tiredbiplantlady]

bipolar ask posted by loloren69 

General:

1. Type 1 or type 2? 

I don’t really know. I could speculate as a psych master’s student, but I don’t feel comfortable making that call. I only know my therapist told me I was bipolar, said I was manic, and described mania to me and specified my behaviors that fell in line with that, no doubt about it, which would indicate bipolar I

2. Self-dx or professional dx? 

Self-suspected, professional confirmed 

3. Are you currently hypo/manic, depressed, mixed, stable, or not sure?

Hypomanic at the least, but it feels like I’m coming down because I’m exhausted for the first time in a while and 6 or 7 days of barely sleeping  

4. Do you have any other mental illnesses/disorders? 

I’ve had a diagnosable form of nearly every anxiety disorder in the DSM at different times since childhood and was diagnosed with various disorders from ADD to dysthymia and adjustment disorder. I consider my only other still-valid diagnosis to be PTSD, but it’s in remission.

5. When did you first start having symptoms? 

In retrospect I’d say the mood problems started around 15, but it got way worse in 2014 and worse still in 2015. the depressive symptoms were out of control and may have been a mixed episode (age 22) 

6. When did you realize/learn that you have bipolar? 

I suspected it briefly as a teenager even though I didn’t know shit about it, but didn’t think about it again until the past year and then the past few months my therapist identified symptoms I described as hypomania and in the last week as mania 

7. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis?

I don’t know if my former diagnoses were necessarily “misdiagnoses” - I think symptoms change over time, new things come up, other things trail off. I think one professional can see symptoms and call it one thing and another professional can call it something else. It’s complicated and subjective. 

8. How self-aware are you on a scale of 1-10? 

LMAO I am the most over-analyzing, self-aware person - easy 9 or 10

9. How many people know about your bipolar disorder? 

Couple people. I’m skeptical about talking about disorders, especially new diagnoses because I’m insecure about what people think because I’ve received several from different professionals, and outside people tend to just see a shifting diagnosis and think I’m making shit up “new year, new diagnosis” always gotta have “something wrong with me” to talk about. Which isn’t how I feel and labels don’t really mean shit, it’s the symptoms and their treatment I care about. A label is just a fast way to describe something complex. sorry it took a while to figure out what was wrong and i went thru many labels before landing here

10. Are any of your family members bipolar? 

Two formal diagnoses/very related diagnoses that I know of (grandma - MDD w/psychotic features, highly likely undiagnosed bipolar based on past behaviors (delusions, hallucinations, yelling on top of a roof, etc. police called, institutionalization), uncle - bipolar I w/psychotic features). some others I suspect, imo

11. Name three fictional characters you relate to and/or headcanon as bipolar. 

Uhhh Ian Gallagher. I’m not creative with this right now and I haven’t thought about this at all. 

Hypo/mania:

12. When hypo/manic, do you get euphoric, dysphoric, angry, creative, social, or several of the above? 

It depends. It seems like I get euphoric, creative and social sometimes, and euphoric, agitated (not angry), and dysphoric other times. But those cluster together

13. What has been your longest hypo/manic episode? 

I think it was from November 2016 to January 2017, so like 3 months, but it was the first “episode” I noted and kept even some track of after the fact. I may have had others in the past. 

14. Have you ever had a psychotic episode? What symptoms did it include? 

I’ve had two depressive episodes that I can specifically certainly note that included delusions (lasted just over a month to two months) of the somatic variety. 

15. What kind of impulsive decisions have you made? 

Where do I start? Over-spending, over-eating, drinking to excess, impulsive risky sex/sexual situations/hypersexuality, getting tattoos/piercings (kinda goes with spending, but I mention it specifically because it’s permanent), long-distance travel without telling anyone where I was going, cheating, lying, not thinking ahead and it hurting people, falling in love, ending relationships, general recklessness and selfishness. I’m sure there’s more and I’m not proud of it in the slightest, so please don’t think I am. 

16. What’s the most money you’ve spent in a single day while hypo/manic? 

$200-300

17. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? 

Period...um. I couldn’t say. Probably 2 with NO sleep and with minimal sleep (3-4 hours) over a week

18. Are you a creative type? Have you ever made a poem/song/other artwork about being bipolar? 

I’m creative, but I don’t write about being bipolar because I never fully considered myself to be so until recently. I’ve written about mood instability and trauma a TON tho. And much of my art work is and always has been about duality, mixed emotions, extremes, and highs/lows. 

Depression:

19. When depressed, do you get suicidal, bored, anxious, guilty, or several of the above? 

It depends, but I’m mostly unmotivated as fuck and empty. I start feeling worthless and unlovable and I hate myself. Sometimes I feel suicidal, but have never attempted and won’t. I’ve self-harmed and planned how to kill myself, but was never intending to do it. I’ve spent the majority of my life in a state of constant anxiety so there’s that, especially when depressed. Irrational guilt and sluggishness are common for me with depression. Once in a while my mood dives along with my energy, but my mind is over-worked and highly anxious, which is when the delusions I’ve had occurred. 

20. What has been your longest depressive episode? 

Fuck...months upon months. I couldn’t tell you. Maybe even a year or more, which is why I was misdiagnosed as dysthymic as a teenager 

21. How do you cope with depression? 

In the past, I didn’t. I suffered massively. Now, I’m still not so great with it. I talk in therapy and I write, but even still I tend to stay in bed and feel numb/mope/distract myself with anything I can. I tend to be able to function enough to go to school because I feel like my life and future depends on it, am anxious as fuck, and do my best but end up with late work, being withdrawn and feeling doomed to fail, believe I’m doing far worse than I am and that I’m awful and don’t deserve to be there

22. Are you a sleep-all-day depressive or an insomniac depressive? Do you overeat or lose your appetite? 

It depends, but in the most recent past, sleep-all-day and overeat. But I’ve been sleep-all-day and no appreciative and I’ve also been insomniac and overeat (2013-14) 

23. When is the last time you cried or had a breakdown? 

Tuesday August 1, 2017 (9 days ago) 

24. Have you ever self-harmed? 

YUP. Razor blades/cutting, punishing binge-eating, starvation, and abusive risky BDSM/relationships/sex 

25. Have you had problems with substance abuse? 

Not really, but I’ve drank a little lately 

26. Have you ever attended AA/NA/etc? 

No 

27. Have you ever attempted suicide? 

No 

28. Have you ever written a suicide note?

Yes, but it was just to get it out. I threw it out after I wrote it. 

Other symptoms and treatment:

29. Do you ever dissociate? 

Y U P 

30. Do you ever have hallucinations? If so, what are they? 

No hallucinations. I’ve thought I’ve heard shit before, but I’m pretty sure it was a fluke and I want to believe in ghosts so. Call me crazy if you want, but what the fuck ever. I’ve had delusions only 

31. Do you see a therapist? Do you feel like it’s helping? 

Yes and yes 

32. Are you on any medications? Do you feel like they’re helping? 

No, not anymore, and I fucking hate anti-depressants, refuse mood-stabilizers and anti-psychotics and maybe want to keep having some anxiety meds

33. Have you ever been hospitalized? 

No, and I want to keep it that way 

34. Have you ever attended group therapy? 

No, but I’ve conducted roleplay group therapy baahaha

35. Have any of your symptoms gotten worse over the years? 

Yeah, I think the manic shit has gotten worse over the last 2 years 

36. Have any of your symptoms gotten better over the years? 

I think the depressive stuff has gotten a little better, or maybe just less frequent  

37. Do you have a favorite coping method? 

What does that mean...healthy or unhealthy...I guess I like meditation and I fucking miss working out A LOT. I like drinking as an unhealthy thing, but I’m sure I’ll hate it as much as I hate binge-eating once it catches up to me if I let it get that far. I’m tired of gaining weight after the 80 pounds I lost, and it’s really fucking with my self-esteem, makes me feel frustrated and sick 

38. If you could choose to be neurotypical, would you?

 No 

[moucchi]

yo.... i respect my ap eng teacher so much. it hasnt even been a semester yet and i owe so much to this woman i found it hard writin my letter bc lol... personal stuff and i based it on something i only ever keep inside my head and never took the time to vent about or examine i didnt even plan on SUBMITTING IT and she graded it and i surprisingly got a higher grade than expected

some points had to be taken off for lateness and when i read what she had to read i was so EMBARRASSED, i literally left _ <—- these blank spaces along the doc because i couldnt bring myself to label what i was feeling or what i suspected i could be going through

i thought ok you know what i mightve worked on it but a zero is fine. its completely fine she doesnt need to read that and i dont gotta worry abt anything

i was mainly afraid she was going to think i was some edgy kid who needed to get over herself or start takin pity on me or confront me for an explanation or criticize it or SOMETHING. something bad ask me to explain physics to u ill take the time but emotions.. homie i dont even understand my deal myself explaining what i feel to u as something concrete aint happenin

i actually got... some really good commentary. and me, being impatient and thinkin opening her comments while in class was a good idea, read what she said and almost started crying. n then i went back to read what i wrote and i really almost started crying man i was blinking out tears not sad emo ones but

she made it sound like she was proud of me??? and like. i would have expected anyone to be mad. two weeks later and i submit a document about how much of a mess i am with a bunch of unfilled blanks. but she already knew my motivation was awful, n now im hearing “look what you can do when you put your mind to something.”

she proofreads our work when she grades it— the one correction i did see on my doc was to add a period. she never asked what the blanks were, didnt even try to fill them. i could not be any more grateful.

ive mainly been raised off of threats and punishments to a degree, not to the point of ab*se but to the point where i would never disclose anything in that letter to my parents ever. if they saw it the blanks would get picked apart— questioned. id go another two months without drawing because i didnt finish a project, regardless of if it was because i didnt care or if parts of me just didnt seem to be cooperating, etc. n last year my eng honours teacher also kind of used fear and threats to try and spark motivation in me as well, which obviously didnt work. if you tell a kid the obvious; “if you dont hand this in your gpa will crumble.” i mean... ive said its not because i dont care...... and i know this already..... listen.....

the leap from getting told to expect the worst for my future because of something thats pretty tough for me to control in the first place to getting encouraged n getting help while also getting that firm “you need to get this done” feels so good. and im sure that without id be crying right now about low grades i should have been expecting.

i uh. just needed to get this out ig i really do wish the best for that woman the fact that teachers are never obligated to help u is so big. they might give extra credit opportunities and chase u down for missing assignments, which is more than their job probably even requires and is certainly deserving of appreciation— but teachers that care abt their students mental health and work ethic and improvement so much as to get involved? real ones.

i doubt im gonna get typing away every time i get assigned something new but like. i can try. positive feedback that ive improved and when i try i can get somewhere, the idea that trying is even worth it? that pushes me and hits me a lot more than the idea that not trying could cause everything to crumble. mainly bc u could try ur best, and work hard too, and stuff can still go majorly, majorly wrong, and then uve done all that for what?

but hearin u worked harder than u did back then, not only that, but it paid off AND u accomplished this? oh man. thats... thats nice.

[tumblunni]

AAAAAAUGH I am so unreasonably upset at how many continuity options just weren’t taken in oreshika 2, and thus how much of the story the english audience totally missed cos we never got the first game dubbed I’m reading thru this awesome LP/translation/summary here and its such a mind blown??

Seriously in oreshika 2/the one they pretend is 1 in english, this particular lady is just one of a million silent personalityless god options in a menu that barely gets more than a single sentence when you select her. All you can guess about her is that she’s vaguely some sort of comic relief lady who’s like.. vain or likes money or something? And says fox sound effects and stupid puns? But in the first game she was a main storyline boss and had A WHOLE ASS TRAGIC BACKSTORY and IS KISUTO’S STEPMOM Like seriously fuckin.. kisuto never even mentions her or talks to her in the second game??? And she never mentions her sad ass backstory?? And im just so mad I didnt appreciate her enough??

Her sad ass backstory i mentioned before when i first linked that LP but I didnt know all the full details then so i may as well start from scratch.

Okay so like.. Kisuto’s role in the first game is still an assistant character, but kind of a mysterious one. He appears as a ghost and says that he’s been magically trapped by the big bad villain dood, and needs your help to get free. And then he’s still as sassy as he was in oreshika 2 but he’s like.. weirdly more mean? he tries to act all assistant but he’s oddly flippant about other people’s suffering and also seems to know more than he should. And then the big twist is that KISUTO IS THE VILLAIN OF THIS GAME! Like wtf thats one way the undubbedness actually paid off, it was double unexpected when I knew him as the sassy helpful onii-chan from the sequel. And I know Seimei in the sequel is still quite a snarkman and quite sympathetic, but like he’s not.. comical? Kisuto as a villain is WAY more cool cos he is! There’s no seriousness in this man’s soul! Even as he’s talking about his tragic sadness he’s doing it in the middle of like.. a fuckin booty dance striptease. With cha cha music. I wish I was joking! Cos you see the fakeout villain guy who looked like some generic fugly cyclops ogre was actually kisuto in disguise, and then he friggin pops out of the guy’s mouth and it should be scary but LITERALLY A BOOTY DANCE STRIPTEASE. WHERE THE UNDIES ARE A WHOLE CYCLOPS. Its like ‘oh no maybe we didnt really kill the boss, he’s getting up’ and then... booty dance. And kisuto pops out. And it was a costume. And what is happening. And like its really confusing cos maybe it was a costume or maybe he was literally eaten by the cyclops and controlling it from the inside?? Cos somehow by defeating the cyclops we unsealed his true power and played right into his hands. And he monologues this whole thing in sassy gyaru style while doing naked supermodel poses, and then hops into a portal while waving sassy bye byes to the audience he just trolled to death Also he is VERY JUSTIFIED AS A VILLAIN, HOLY FUCK! Cos it turns out his motive is because YOUR FAMILY KILLED HIS FAMILY! Seriously, i can see why the japanese fandom is all ‘oreshika 1 forever!’, cos in a lot of ways it seems more like its the sequel?? oreshika 2 goes comparatively standard and formulaic with its premise, like as much as you can do when your premise is so weird. Your clan is JUST a clan that’s been cursed, whereas the first game mixed up your expectations and had this reveal that your ancesters were apparantly actually evil. Also it let you actually play as the ancestors for a brief prologue before the curse happened, which is super neat! Shame though that your first character is randomized based on birthday instead of being customizeable. But I mean oreshika 2 didnt even have birthdays! And also similar for a lot of other things! Like your assistant is just an assistant, whereas i’ve gone into oreshika 1 already knowing that your assistant is either gonna be revealed as a goddess or become a goddess somehow. Tho honestly the reveal of first meeting her in oreshika 2 was kinda great from the perspective of a newbie to the franchise! you spend the whole game only hearing of her second hand and its just ‘she’s the boss of the gods’ and you expect her to be all elegant and serious. But then when you finally meet her she’s this bombastic goofy nerd with cute lil glasses and an ahoge hairstyle and she’s like ‘lets get this party started!’ and poofs up her magic to save the day and also LETS YOU MEET WITH YOUR FIRST CHARACTER FOR A BRIEF MOMENT FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE START OF THE GAME. I cried so much!! i wasnt expecting the game to have even saved his data! Its just a quick cutscene where his ghost helps super goddess lady break seimei’s barrier spell, but it was still so damn climactic and great. man I need to talk more about my playthru soon but i have so many screenshots to transfer, lol!

ANYWAY IM GOING WILDLY OFFTOPIC COS IM KINDA DELIRIOUS WITH ILLNESS AND ALSO ORESHIKA HYPE

so where this boss fox lady comes in is that her story is like a ‘be careful what you wish for’ thing. Her prayer for good luck was answered by an asshole god who decided to troll her with everything she wanted, but in a jerkass genie way. She became rich and found a husband, but he was an asshole who robbed her and left her even poorer than before. And then she committed suicide. But where kisuto comes in is that she’d adopted this mysterious baby she found at a forest shrine. And then when she’d got backstabbed by this horrible husband and was left without enough money to take care of her baby, she committed a murder suicide and took him with her so he wouldnt suffer. or, at least, that’s what she thought. Cos it turns out the kid was a baby demigod of some sort, and he cursed her into an oni as revenge, and now she’s stuck here weeping for what she did for the rest of eternity and wanting her baby back :( And like we still have the mystery of who kisuto’s biological parents were, and what happened to lead to him being abandoned in the first place. like, was the protagonist clan’s ancestor really evil or is it a misunderstanding? And is there any way we can resolve this peacefully? Well, I’m assuming so, since Kisuto is your totally non evil assistant guy in the sequel. Though I mean the sequel clan could be a totally different clan, its not very likely this poor lineage would get hit by the same curse twice in a hundred years! He doesnt really have any reason to be evil with anyone else but those assholes who orphaned him. Seriously if it really is true that prologue man and prologue woman did it, I am so on Kisuto’s side here! even if its dumb to take revenge on innocent children who had no part in the crime. Also I feel really sad for foxmom. Like I mean kisuto doesn’t have to be comfortable around her or forgive her when she friggin tried to drown him as a 1 year old. But like its not really her fault either, she was suffering and suicidal and thought she was keeping her kid from suffering too. She was just really mentally ill and needed some help, not a hundred years of being trapped as a weeping ghost werewolf thing. And really all she wants is to see that kisuto actually did escape, and grew up, and he’s okay and even if she knows it would be impossible to accept the apology she wants to say it anyway. Even if this poor kid is off being a villain, at least he;s a happy and healthy villain! seriously why dont you give me a damn dialogue option to tell her kisuto is her sonnnn

this game is so good and im so sad its not get dubbed and im so damn tired and ill and im rambling and ok bye thenk u oreshika for ease my pain by giving me mroe pain for fictional characters SERIOUSLY POOR VILLAIN KID AND FOX MOMMMM

[jude-harley]

mental health wheeeee

i’m going to talk about some mental health stuff, it’s okay if you don’t read, there’s some self harm talk and some friendship drama (i don’t blame them but i still have some feelings and if u think it might apply to you don’t worry i still love and care about you unless you don’t want me to love and care about you in which case i will respectfully maintain my distance) and also i feel like it’s kinda guilt trippy but i literally don’t know so

it’s just alot of me dumping my thoughts and feelings i’m not trying to look a certain way i hope, and i’m not trying to argue anything i don’t know this is just feelings 

but i’d really appreciate it if you like the post if you do read the whole thing

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooow okay so i got some feelings

see, for someone with mental health issues, a fucked up past, and all the shit i’ve gone through, i’m actually doing pretty damn well.

key word: for.

i....... mean, it’s like.

on the outside, i’m doing okay. i have pretty damn good grades (A’s and B’s, even at my super hard school!), i socialize with people, i eat, i sleep, i bathe myself (most of the time.) hell, i haven’t even self harmed! 

well, i don’t know if i’ve self harmed or not, i guess. i don’t really know what counts as self harm. but i haven’t caused any physical damage!!!!! 

and so, so, so many people would tell me i’m lucky. but i can’t help but feel, am i really?

i know that probably sounds incredibly fucking spoiled, but it’s like that one comic about how the broken cup is mended, and the chipped cup is cracked forever.

i’m not kidding when i say that. i internalize everything and trap my feelings and never let them out, but they don’t go away. ever. and then like, i don’t have a standard of what “normal” is, and i wind up suffering and in pair for so long because i just keep going and going and going and going and nobody notices and i think it’s normal because none of my work is affected and i’m still productive and i help other people so nothing must be wrong???

i stayed with my abusive mother for so fucking long because of that mentality

i guess what i’m saying is that the very specific life i’ve lead has cooked up a brain with a very weird.... brain thing. i don’t really think i can call it a mental illness?

see, my mental health so much revolves around other people. i need other people as a reference point for whats okay, it fluctuates based on other people’s opinions of me, i place my self worth on how useful and productive i am, and the main, absolute main reason i’ve stayed alive and never self harmed is because of other people.

but like.... not in a good or healthy way. well, right now, since i’m out of my abusive mom’s household i’m doing better and am trying to stay positive and motivated with things like “you can’t die yet because you haven’t shown your art to the guys who made avatar yet!” i mean, that’s still based around other people’s opinion of me, but at least it’s a more stable goal than appeasing my mother.

like, i swear, the day that she took away my computer, and screamed at me and hit me until i was sobbing in my bathroom, THE ONLY THING stopping me from cutting out of how much i hated myself was that it would make a mess, which was not good or productive.

and it’s just???? been like that for so fucking long???? i know “any reason to not self harm or commit suicide is a good reason” but it doesn’t FEEL like a good reason. i still hate myself so, so, so, so fucking much. i feel genuinely worthless. 

and it’s like.... you know, maybe it would be better if i self harmed? maybe i should? because then maybe someone would care because literally all it fucking takes for me to feel good is someone telling me i do good. that’s...... that’s fucking it.

and yeah i guess this is partially about some shit that happened with an online friend group that resulted in me getting banned from the group chat (i made a hitler joke without thinking, it was along the lines of “don’t kill baby hitler if u travel back in time lol” and spiraled so out of control) and i genuinely feel fucking awful about it. and i’m not angry at them. i’m really not. i guess i just wish that, i dunno.... honestly. i wish i knew how to think and what to do exactly? because i had fucked up without thinking before and i’ve apologized before and said i would get better, and i’ve really been trying, i’ve been trying so hard to get better, but like, they’ve said i haven’t actually gotten better and i do feel really bad and idk i don’t know if i actually have gotten better and they were just angry or if i haven’t improved i dunno

and like the worst part is that i feel like i can’t express that i really am sorry without sounding like a liar and a faker and fucking manipulative and just trying to get it over with (even right now!!!!) because that’s how my mom was and god i feel like even right now i’m making more fucking excuses because i’m just a shitty person like that. i’m so sorry if it is like that don’t feel bad 

but also i guess it’d be nice if when calling me out and shit they had made me feel like less of a despicable person like they literally did say alot of shit like that and i don’t even remeber who did it (there were three times i was called out within the group chat, the first time i really WAS doing something shitty and i needed to be called out and i felt alot.... idk cleaner afterwards and i think i really did improve

the other two times i guess it was really just one guy who’s real name i don’t know and a couple other people (it’s such a blur i can’t remember) who were fairly justified but idk i wish that they weren’t so harsh about it i guess. i mean they didn’t have to be like “what u did wasn’t that bad uwu” but it would have been nice if they had been more like “what u did was shitty, but you can learn from it.” i mean i’m not trying to be passive agressive here this is legit how i feel. also i feel like they didn’t believe me when i apologized and i’m paranoid about being guilt trippy when i talk about my feelings (see: my mother) and i guess this just made it worse because i can’t say that it’s just my mental illness, there’s a strong basis for fact here and every time i feel bad about it i just feel more guilt trippy and it’s a horrible vicious cycle

DISCLAIMER IT IS NOT MY FRIENDS FAULT I STILL LOVE THEM AND I MISS THEM EVERY DAY BUT I WANT TO RESPECT THEIR DESCION TO NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE

mina, vi, madi, if you are reading this, i am sorry, i really am. you don’t have to forgive me or be friends with me again but i don’t hate you and i don’t want to hurt you. i understand that i might hurt you without meaning to and it’s better for you to be away from me, that’s okay. but i want you to know you aren’t bad people, and i don’t hate you or not like you, and you guys deserve the best stuff in the world.

i dunno, i guess this kinda got off topic. odds are they won’t actually read it, and i still feel guilty trippy and bad. like so so so fucking guilt trippy. i feel fake and like a faker and my moiral hasn’t been online for a while and i really miss her

tldr: i feel like fucking shit and a faker who guilt trips people because i hurt some people and feel about about it and because i manage to remain functional and productive despite my shit and it makes me feel like a faker and also makes me want to self harm because it’s not actually that bad unless i self harm. i don’t actually want to die thank god now that i’m out of my abusive mother’s household but i’m so close to self harming. 

WARNING I TALK A SHIT TON ABOUT DEATH AND SUICIDE AND SELF HARMING

i mean i feel like it wouldn’t hurt if i just. did it once. you know i already get so many intrusive thoughts about hurting myself i could maybe just..... cut myself a couple places on my arms. on my legs. not neat, messy, natural, like i got them in a fight or in an accident. but i guess then nobody would still notice unless i told them but maybe i could tell them 

but if i told them then i would just be a faker, right, cause i don’t actually wanna die. again, literally i don’t want to die because it would be an inconvenience to other people. i have maybe, like, one reason i don’t want to die that isn’t “i’d inconvience other people and make them sad despite the fact that i’m a useless piece of garbage because one, death in general makes people upset, two, i’m leave behind such a mess, not just physically, but with all the paperwork too, and three, people wouldn’t actually miss me all that much, they’d feel sorry for themselves, feel soooooo bad because oh no where did i go wrong, all the bullshit like that.” of course, some people would be more than inconvenienced, my dad, stepmom, sister, pets, and hopefully my two best friends would be heartbroken, but my mom would only mourn for her hypothetical daughter, not her real kid who’s gender is... i don’t even know. probably a boy and a girl. but she’d never accept it. 

anyway, my only reason for living other than what’s stated above is i have to go show the avatar guys my work, and my long term reason for living is making a tv show a la gravity falls that alex hirsch loves so much he guest stars in it and maybe even works on it with me.

so alex, if you go, i go too.

but yeah see if i did that i’d jsut be doing it for attention and everyone would hate me because i’m amking a mockery of a real and serious mental illness. and then if my dad found out i’d be sent to a mental institution for a week (protocol where i live, if your child shows suicidal ideation, send em to the hostipal) and other people would be like, “yeah i’m in cause i took 48 prozacs and then went swimming in a pool of vodka that i not only drank but attempted to drown myself in” and i’d be there like “yeah uh i cut myself once for attention and it was specifically planned out in a place that wouldn’t kill me but would attract just enough attention to get other people to sympathize with me because atm i don’t actually want to die, i just kinda hate myself” and then they’d all hate me cause i’m a fucking faker who’s passing all they’re classes and even did well in most of them and is on track and doesn’t do drugs or have sex or do anything dangerous and i don’t really hate myself and i’m just a fucking leech on resources who think’s they’re depressed BUT THEY ARENT AND I’M JSUT A DFUKCING PIECE OF SHIT

and see i know this would happen because at my local lgbt+ club lots of people think i’m a faker and a prude or maybe they don’t and they see me as 100% mentally healthy or they even envy my life and if i hated myself they’d be like “wtf????? ur life i so good man???? like, only one parent is abusive??? you have good grades???? you handle urself??? you have friends????? you aren’t as bad as me”

and okay maybe they don’t treat me like that and they probably don’t but it’s how i feel. i feel like shit and a faker but why do i want to hurt myself so much but not die that doesn’t make sense

but listen if you get to the end of this, and you are reading this. this isn’t a situation where i’m like, “tell me how awful i am” see because after reading this i guess you get that i hate myself but i don’t hate myself but i hate myself for not hating myself that much 

so if ur reading this and u wanna help yes, yes, validation and positivity and “ur not a horrible person or a faker” would be unbelivabley helpful because like i said i’m very impacted by other people

[spacegaywritings]

“Cry for Help” - Bad Therapists have a special Place in Hell

Summary: Logan suffers from invalidating himself so much, he ends up hurting himself. Emile tells him that if he wants to die, to just have the courage to do it.  Tags: u! emile, bad therapists, mental health issues, depression, invalidating mental illness, suicidal thoughts, stress, guilt tripping, rejection pains, cry out for help, therapeutical inattention, suicide baiting, offensive language, literally Emile is such a piece of shiT, nobody gets hope for him - not even as a treat. “too rich to suffer” mentality  Disclaimer: writing based on subjective experiences based on therapy, mental health issues and (LOCAL) stigmas. You might have better/worse/different experiences with your struggles and how they were perceived and treated. Your culture or surroundings might have different bias. This is for venting and does not objectively apply to everyone’s experience of their mental illness or struggles. Check out my Masterlist for my fics! //  My KoFi  - Support me ♥ or Commission me

Note: If you miss any tags, have issues  with links or any other concerns, please feel free to contact me. Anon  is on and my DMs are open.♥    

Links broken? Inform me, please!

Overview of this series on tumblr / ao3.

Story under the cut // 2,1k words.

The sun was going down.

Fading rays illuminated the office, barely gifting it any more warmth. The sun was still shining but it disappeared behind the city buildings. The sun rays were so long, they reached the earth in a wide stretch.

It was cold, even colder than the office usually seemed. The practice has white walls only, was in a multi-story building. Small, humble.

 The man sitting there, tie and collar adjusted, gazed upon the his wrist. A fancy, silver wristband hugged his limb and decorated his arm. The precious feature was slim, a bit of metallic colour to it. The watch’s fingers moved. Moved. Rhythmically moved and moved more.

He looked back at the office. Logan liked it.

Still, there was a certain feeling of unease coming with the white walls staring him down. They were surrounding him, almost as if to inch in and corner him, trap him.

He checked his watch, then the room.

 The wooden door opened with a swing and a small figure danced into the place. He was not actually dancing, Logan noted to himself, but the light feet and easy tapping reminded him of the grace dancers showed when appearing on stage.

While the therapist had more heaviness in his movements and was not as impressive, his entrance had granted him a bit of Logan’s attention.

 “Hello! You must be Logan! I am glad you made it through the traffic. It gets really busy in these streets, especially since we are so close to town.”

 He stood up to greet the man. Emile turned around to close the door properly and looked at Logan. Upon seeing him, he stretched out his hand and beamed at the slightly taller client.

 “Good afternoon, doctor. Yes, I am Logan”, he took his hand, a slight smile appearing on his thin lips. It was come and gone like the sun. “It is a pleasure to meet you.”

 The doctor giggled, as if bringing up his title gifted him with another swirl of happiness in his swinging body. He returned to the door, facing it and turning on clinically white lights.

Cold white.

They were not the warm kind of lights people would love to see in fairy lights. They were everywhere and seemed to illuminate Logan like a test object in a scientific experiment. Had the room been made more transparent, Logan would have made this connection for sure.

 “Please, have a seat. Recliner or couch, whatever is more comfortable to you.”

 Logan nodded and chose the couch.

The dying rays of lights seemed to reach out for him too much. At this moment, he did not desire the sun’s caresses on his cheek.

 “Thank you.”

 The therapist placed himself on his own seat and took out his clipboard, his legs crossing.

 “Now, you probably already know this but I am doctor Emile Picani and I am your therapist. I am here to help you today to see whether we two are a fit to work together - or whether you need someone else or nobody at all! I mean, who knows!”

 He chuckled and Logan rose an eyebrow but nodded.

The man was a scientist himself. He was a doctor, he was one of the youngest doctors in the world, working in a research laboratory. So he knew his way around science, he loved and observed things and he loved to mess around with theories and figure out more things about physics but at the same time, he did not know too much about psychology.

Maybe therapy was not for everybody? Emile was a expert. He should know better.

 “Now, what issue brought you here today?”

 The man in black and blue blinked as if to process the question. His mind was producing words, inventing phrases and trying to put together just how exactly he found himself looking for therapy.

 “Nothing is right, I think”, he started but cleared his throat. His face twitched for a moment, “Let me explain this. My life is right. I have a stable job and earn a lot of money. I have friends, family and they re nice and loving. They are present, yet I feel like.. I have never accomplished anything.”

 He sighed.

 “But you did..?”

 Logan nodded.

 “It is paradoxical, I know. I have so much and feel so little. It is as if nothing ever mattered.”

 The therapist started noting down words. Logan heard the scratching and slowly turned his head away.

 “Interesting.. How do you feel about your parents?”

 The man shrugged in a non-committal way.

 “We are in contact. We regularly meet and spend time together. Everything is sorted out. I had a rather normal life and childhood, I suppose.”

 Emile nodded.

 “Do you have any hobbies? Are there things you enjoy?”

 Logan adjusted his glasses despite their position remaining the same in the end.

 “I do enjoy educating myself on different topics such as astronomy, literature and other things. I also do relish in making plans, reading or meeting my friends every now and then. I have a healthy diety, composed by my dietician and regularly attend to gym in order to sustain physical health.”

 “Uh-uhu..”, Emile mumbled, trailing off.

 The pen was scratching harder, it was louder and faster than before. Like kids trying to keep track of everything the teacher said after “this will be on the test”.

 “Very interesting. Thank you for all the input. I have the feeling the issue is pretty clear, so let me put this on the table.”

 Logan nodded.

His knees snapped together but not a single fibre in his face moved. His shoulders pulled up into a more tense state but he remained as stone-faced as before.

 The therapist cleared his throat for the dramatic effect.

 “I think you might be blowing your issues a bit out of proportion. As you mentioned before, you have a completely satisfying life and are happy with it. What else is there to worry about, I mean - I saw the car you came in and it does not look like a lot of issues are parked in the front of my practice.”

 Logan felt his chest tighten but remained composed. His breathing had stopped. The whole body was completely motionless and something within him froze.

 “Doctor Picani, I value your input but I think you might be missing an important point I am making. Life has no value to me. My own life has no value to me. Waking up or not - it is all just the same and feels exactly the same. I want to die, doctor.”

 The therapist took the information with a smile on his cheeky face. Logan could feel his insides twitching in discomfort but he tried to stop himself, stop his mind from judging. He did not know anything about psychology but he was sure to be in good “hands” with Emile. Metaphorically speaking. Reactively, the gears in his brain slowed down. Instead of evaluating the message, he was firm on taking it all in first.

 He took a shallow breath in, nodding to let the doctor speak. Emile took the word with gratitude and awarded Logan with another uncomfortable smile.

 “Are you making this up right now? I have grounds to believe you are being a little bit.. extra.. with me, right now.”

 Logan blinked.

No.

Try to suspend judgement. It might just be a harsh sentence and a much more gentle evaluation. He was sure about this. This was a professional person after all.

 “Listen to me, listen close. You did not give me even a single reason for you to be upset or depressed and it sounds a teensy tiny bit as if you are looking for attention. If you want to pay me for attention, you can buy my time but I am certainly not as cheap as other people you could hire for a quick visit and an hour of talking.”

 As Logan’s mother used to say “after rejection, there is wrath”, Logan shook his head, his facial features pulling together like a mask of wrath.

Though.. when he spoke, there was a cold, calm anger spiking in his words. They unravelled like flowers opening ever so slowly after a rainy shower.

 “Doctor Picani, I beg your pardon but I am a man telling you I have a death wish. I am describing how painful and bland life seems to me and you are responding by invalidating my concerns?”

 The therapist shrugged.

 “You would be fun to analyse”, he commented with a tinge or sarcasm biting at Logan’s hot arms, “You are coming here, telling me you have a great life and nothing to worry about, yet you are worried about not feeling anything? Maybe YOU are the problem for taking things for granted, for taking for family and everything for granted. Maybe you yourself are at fault for whining so much, when you literally have a perfect life.”

 He cleared his throat and got up, staring at Logan with a power in his glare. Nobody could have imagined the sweet little twink in pink to be such a menace of conservatism in one bundle of pastel colours and joyful giggles.

 Who laughed at their clients anyway?

 “You say the problem is that I am whining, you say? So I caused my own dilemma?”

 Logan sat back down, as if to admit defeat. His wandered over his chest when he crossed his arms before his heart but he retreated his limbs at once and exposed his vulnerable yet hurting core.

 “Basically yes. This is okay, I will tell you how to solve it! Life is not for everybody but if you try a bit to think of yourself and others in a more grateful way, you might be able to overcome any kind of weird mood or thoughts you might have! Now, you just sit down with me and close your eyes. Tell me why your friends make you happy?”

 The addressed man shrugged.

His heart was empty.

 “Maybe they do not make me happy. I do not feel happy. I feel delighted every now and then but actual happiness sounds like a lie. My friends make me forget about these things and ease me up a bit but it is nothing but temporary bliss at most. I think you might be on the wrong track with me, doctor. With all due respect, you are making me feel quite worse.”

 The therapist laughed, no, he sneered. He made fun of Logan and shook his hair as if to feel every bit of criticism the other doctor had brought up to him.

 “You, mister, are an exemplary case of arrogance. I think you are exceeding our time at this session now”, he kicked the shelf with a clock on it and brutally pushed the fingers into place.

Logan glanced at his own watch before calmly facing the man again.

 “If you wanted to die, you would have already done so. I don’t think you need my admiration in order to feel any better. You need to get your head out of your ass and live a little. Be spontaneous and give away control and you might not be too stuck up to smile, once in your life.”

 He sighed and pointed at the door. His other hand brushed through his hair. The clock started ringing like a hyperactive cock not understanding the difference between sunrise and sunset.

Logan slowly got up, adjusting his tie and shirt.

 “Good day, doctor Picani. It was an interesting encounter.”

 Logan left, as soundless as his car engine when he took off.

 Emile looked out of the window.

There was only one more patient left for the day. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ End Note: This is not how a therapist should treat you. If someone treats you or your issues like that, please make sure you leave immediately and report this. A real therapist will validate your concerns and try to redirect your thoughts. If you have mental health issues, please reach out for help. Suicidal thoughts are no fun and should not be joked about lightly. If you suffer from them, please reach out for help. There are numbers and organisations out there to help you and support you. You WILL be missed by people you would not expect you to miss.These thoughts can have several different causes. It makes sense to contact a GP and work with a therapist and even psychiatrist if needed. If it is intense, please consider a psych ward or similar institutions in order to keep yourself SAFE. Your well-being matters!You do not need a certain age, trauma or circumstance in order to develop mental health issues. Aversive Childhood Experiences (ACEs) increase the risk but it depends on many more. Don’t let anyone invalidate your needs. If you need help, you usually know yourself best and understand life is harder than it should be. Keep looking for the adequate support you deserve and need!