#two day project that will get only 10 likes 🙃

[torisprlng]

HEARTSTOPPER S3 + TUMBLR REACTIONS

[semperreformanda]

life update

last june my boss let me go for “not being a good fit”

it didn’t take me long to put two and two together and realize that the big reason was because of my pregnancy. and the biggest support to this theory was he talked negatively about a coworker (who was in the company for 6+ years) who got pregnant, saying stuff like “I don’t want her back … I already know how it goes when employees get pregnant, they’ll start calling out … I don’t want to deal with that” he would say all that stuff to me and others behind her back so I knew I was only gonna stick around to save some $$$ and use the insurance as much as I could

(oh and she was forced to resign bc they literally did not want her there anymore 🙃)

but when it finally happened it drove me in anxiety and anger because I had relied on the insurance especially bc I AM PREGNANT

yes it is illegal yes I should have reported it but I had no energy to do anything

but God reminded me through it all that He provides and He does! and so silly of me to think He could provide for my greatest need (my salvation through Christ) but not provide for our little earthly needs

another reason I was annoyed was I was already planning to quit but they beat me to it 😂 but that was honestly the worst company I’ve ever worked for. I could not deal with the constant disrespect and the yelling and the cussing and their questionable ethics

they stole an engineer’s professional seal and stamp it on their projects WITHOUT HIS APPROVAL meaning all projects are “approved” 🥴 this was the last straw for me bc imagine all the hazards

anyways… that was almost 3 months ago and I honestly feel so relieved to not be working there anymore. I spent too many times feeling so incredibly stressed out and then even more stressed out that I may be hurting the baby from it

speaking of… I am already 27 weeks pregnant today 😭 I remember when I first saw that faint line and thought I was hallucinating things. we tried for months only with a stark white test every month, so seeing a shadow of a line sent chills down my spine. and 27 weeks later my little bubba has gotten so big and active 😭 I love him so much

like it’s so crazy how he’s so close to me but also so far it’s like a long distance relationship 🥴💀

also learned a lot about gestational diabetes bc my hypochondriac brain was convinced I HAD IT

apparently it’s not due to your diet and you can’t even cause it. shocking how this is not widespread knowledge, because so many moms feel guilty for failing their baby when they’re diagnosed but in reality it is mostly your placenta being a jerk 😭

so for the past few days when I got the call that I failed my 1 hour I acted like I had gestational diabetes 😭 became very picky with what I ate, which is hard bc my culture loves rice 😭 and I took 10 min walks after meals

all I could think about was my blood sugars spiking and how I needed to bring it down 💀

also I had to fast for at least 8 hours before I could do my 3 hour glucose test which was honestly so hard bc if you’ve been pregnant you know the pregnancy hunger pangs!!! I cried after my test because I was anxious about having GD and also I felt so bad for my baby 😭😭 like I starved him 😂 even though I know he’s fine in there because placenta n all dat

anyways I just wanted to let you guys in on that bc why not and also I’m bored and drinking chai while my husband works besides me 🙂🤠

[resetting37]

1 for Seth and Adam :))

Thank you !!!

Character dynamic ask game

I guess this would be Seth’s first impression of Adam, but I kind of answer this for both of them !

So despite them growing up in the same facility, they rarely got the chance to interact. They were of different trials, and the trials were on different floors. (Only two subjects per trial, so pretty isolating) they didn’t really talk to each other until they were relocated to Recom. however, they were aware of each others’ existences.

Seth’s impression of Adam: Seth was curious to meet another project subject that wasn’t the person he’s known his entire life. Seth did point out Adam was significantly smaller (‘significantly is a strong word’ says Adam) despite Adam actually being older. Adam gave him the cold shoulder, so fine, Seth would find attention from all the other new people he was meeting. So seth didn’t have a strong opinion of adam, in fact it was Seth’s turn to ignore him when Adam did decide to eventually interact with him. (‘Now that your friend [lilith] is gone you wanna talk ? Well, I found my own friends now’)

I think it was this initial mutual hostility kind of made them not like each other at first, but they were always in the same vicinity and over the years became work partners. Not relevant to the question, but in regards to Seth’s current impression of Adam, like I don’t think Seth has ever wanted to make the conscious effort to be like “Adam is an ass because [insert backstory and related issues]” but rather he has just accepted that’s just the way adam is and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He likes continually working for the attention/admiration.

Adam’s impression of Seth: sooo the reason Adam was initially hostile to Seth was that Adam’s (and Lilith’s) trial was largely abandoned and that fucked their development up a bit. (There were days where they would hardly see another person on the floor.) ignoring the fact that Seth’s (and Celeste’s, in that manner) trial was suffering a different kind of trauma 🙃 - Adam automatically resented Seth for this and so didn’t pay him much mind when they first met.

Adam thought Seth was much too overwhelming anyway.

When Lilith decided to leave on their own, Adam had no where else to go and tried in his last minute hang around Seth, and hated him more when Seth decide to ignore him back. What’d he do that for ?!

Speed run the next 10+ years into the present day, and Adam respects Seth’s version of meanness, and Adam sometimes wishes he can come up with something just as snarky on the spot. But he doesn’t like to act too impressed, because Seth will get cocky about it (which means Adam doesn’t have the upper hand, which he HATES)

[robinruns]

Food/weight thoughts under the cut. 0/10 would not read

1. If I stop and think about it, I've eaten well today (apples, trail mix, protein bar, salad with chicken and a diet soda), but my brain is like "yOuVe EaTeN LiKe sHiT tOdAy, JuSt LeAn InTo iT!" And wants me to just go stuff garbage into my face

2. I was looking up my new medication (IF MY INSURANCE EVER APPROVES IT) and not only is it for ADHD, but it also is used to treat binge earing disorder. I've not been diagnosed with BED, but I do have a tendency to binge eat to the point where I feel like I cannot control myself or my actions. So, if this helps that as well, maybe I'll be able to get my weight back under control.

3. I am very dissatisfied with my weight currently. I do feel like if I eat appropriately (see item 1) I won't see any sort of weight loss, but if I eat peanut butter straight out the jar with a spoon after dinner, I'll be up 3 pounds the next day. Like I cannot get downward trajectory going. Plus I feel like working out more is making me hungrier and I'm trying to figure out how to balance it all and I'm getting very frustrated.

4. This isn't food or weight related specifically, but my coach is going on vacation and she put workouts in my calendar for next week but only 1 is a run and I'm so confused. Like where are my other runs? Should I ask? I don't wanna be annoying though. I'm always afraid I'm gonna bug her and she'll be like "ugh chill out, i'll get you your stupid runs, leave me alone you needy little type A loser!!"

(She's never said anything like that to me, I know I'm projecting, but I won't let that stop me)

5. Getting back to weight, I think I get in my head about it because I've never previously lost weight in an appropriate way, and I don't know the last time I saw any sort of relatable weight loss content. You only see people who are trying to lose 200 pounds, not 20 pounds, because the only acceptable weight loss nowadays is the major sort that is ONLY for health reasons and if you even think for a second about it being for anything else, "FUCK YOU! YOU'RE (insert list of -phobics and -ists here)!!!! HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE YOURSELF BECAUSE SOMEHOW THAT REFLECTS ON MEEEEE"

I'm just a bit tired of all this, can you tell? It's only been two-thirds of my life that I've been dealing with all this. 🙃

[valyrfia]

Just saw your PhD post first thing on my dash and I swear I relate to it. As a fellow girlie who recently started her PhD in stem a few months ago, I feel like crying and quitting every other week. God I am hating python and bash/linux right now. Can silicone valley develop a way to store 100GB worth of data as 100MB that I can access using excel instead using compressed files. 🥲

The only thing that helps me is that I worked in academia for a few years before starting my PhD. Otherwise I would be working non-stop instead of giving myself breaks when needed (like what i’m doing right now 🙃). Just remember to take 5-10 minutes when you’re doing long hours, it can help refresh your mind and look at things from a different perspective which can be the answer to whatever hurdle you’re facing.

Now I just need to eat properly instead of surviving on fluids while working on my projects or just going to eat when I feel like starving/dizzy.

Anon you speak to my soul. I spent the entire day fighting the linux command line. I have worked for….15 hours today? Lots of coffee and controlled crying in a bathroom stall breaks involved of course, but the long works days is really a reality of our careers…..

I see your no compressed files and I raise you: I wish silicone valley would invent a way for me to click to edit halfway through a linux prompt, because having to manually click through to adjust the pathname on an scp command gets old REALLY quick.

Anyway! We’re women in STEM! We’re slaying! I think it’s still the coolest thing when you get a result and for about two minutes (until you ping your supervisor) you’re the ONLY person on earth who holds that piece of human knowledge. It makes all the long work days and torture we put ourselves through worth it. Thanks for stopping by anon, it also helps massively to remind all of us doing this that we’re not alone and that pretty much every person who’s ever done a phd has had the same flavour of trials and tribulations. And let’s not lose sight of the real end goal (getting to put Dr. in front of our names).

[formulapisces]

hiii!!!! how are your cooking endeavors going? I'm currently too busy with driving lessons but I'm thinking of making panna cotta next 😁

also I'm very glad to see you knitting ☺️ I want to do that to (well crochet but same thing) but my brain's like nope

wishing you a nice day 🌺🌺

im thinking of making brownies and also tiramisu soon because i’ve been craving them so much over the past couple of days 😇 panna cotta is SO GOOD, so satisfying to make too for some reason 🤗

i didn’t do that much yesterday, only a few stitches but it’s like my hands are super-glued to the knitting needles today 😳 for my first real knitting project and the first time i’ve knit since i was about 10, i think i’m doing okay! i didn’t even watch tutorials, i just did what felt good and somehow it worked 😁 i’m trying to take breaks so i don’t get burnt out but once you start it’s so hard to stop 🤷

i hope you have a nice day too!!! i’m feeling a bit better than i was yesterday, it was just the weirdest day and then the cherry on top was two huge spiders i found in my room 🙃

[audiovisualrecall]

Every time I work too much/too many days in a row recently I seem to get sick. First with the flu, then I caught covid right after, and now I worked 5 days in a row and wham, I come home last night and my throat is sore when I talk and swallow, and getting 8+ hours of sleep one night didn't magically fix it unfortunately, just left me with a vague headache :/ I'm so afraid it'll be *something* like the last 2 times I got sick. I don't think I should work tomorrow because I'm afraid it'll get worse. Even if I go to sleep at like 10:20 instead of 11/11:30 tonight I think I need several days of real Rest to prevent this uncomfortable cold thing from becoming something else that would keep me out longer so me staying home one more day is also in their interests bc one day vs a whole week or two 🙃 but idk in tired of being sick and I'm tired of being out sick. I probably do need like a week off again bc I jumped straight back into working after I was symptom free from covid and didn't stop since then plus I stayed up late to work on steph's gift, and my days off were stressful trying to get a multi-month project done in 5 days, plus everything else, and I was stressed out the other day bc I was afraid with the weather I'd get stuck at work, and we were trying to have a hanukkah party, and then when I did get home i stuck my foot in my mouth over steph's gift and it snowballed and everyone ended the night a bit unhappy :/ So it's just been a long week, or two weeks, I don't even remember last week tbh. And at work I got this file sorter and the astl used command strips to hang it on the wall over the sink and of course it fell a week later with only papers and folders and a lightweight clipboard in it. All of it unceremoniously dumped into the sink which had water in it of course. And the extreme cold and rapid temperature changes don't help anything.

[dhyanshiva]

I was tagged by @carladuquette to write about my writing - thank you!! Being tagged alongside Zee is a solid honour <3

I'd love to pin this post but alas :,) anyway let's go!

I've done inline linking for the first time ever and it may be incorrect so if you want to check out my ao3 at large, here's the link to my profile:

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

64

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

Time to do maths:

um: 263,765

and with my final two pieces (plus actually puting writing to a piece that I stuck a moodboard in, yikes) I expect my final wordcount for the foreseeable future to stand at about 283,765 or so. Oops.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

The highest counts have been for Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020) at 24 and Cla$$ (2023 -) at 17. A range of others have been contributed to with some original works.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Life Jacket (Broadchurch)

AU (WTFock) with one less

Contact (SMZS) - a complete surprise, didn't know it had gotten that high lol

What Could Have Been (HP, written for Developmental Psych and I refuse to let that TERF (for one) bitch JKR take its significance away from me)

Complete (BBC Sherlock) with one less than WCHB

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I used to not, preferring an open one way communication, but have been doing so recently. The alternative is discussing things with specific people via DMs owing to a small circuit proportional to fandom size.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I went and pulled an MCD for Walls (SMZS) back in the day which @hackedbyawriter loves and hates me in equal measure for, to this day. Angst is my go to which makes this a difficult question. For the most part, the devastating things take up the midsection and I try to end a piece with some measure respite, comfort or positivity after all that. The effectiveness of this is up for debate, however.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I'd have to go with 626 (Cla$$) because the main pairing literally get married and.. stay married not 12 hours later where the piece ends. Thank you to Nepal btw while I'm here!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No, thankfully and surprisingly, considering the aforementioned angst trainwreck that I am. Always always open to critique though! Anytime, just be respectful and if you can, specific!

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I think I've written a few kisses (which is not smut, I know) and am slowly getting comfortable with writing physical intimacy at my own pace. Even if I write something "end - to - end" I doubt it'll ever be explicit (not anytime soon, anyroad) and further, if it'll be out in a public domain like ao3.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Not yet, I don't think! I'm not sure which of my interests I would crossover to begin with, tbh! I think I'd have to have more interests to have wilder combinations :')

At best my Eid piece for Cla$$ cameo'd the two couples from Bepannaah which I quite enjoyed envisioning tbh - Zoya and Saba are similar in my mind :)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Yes! My series with @hackedbyawriter has one complete and one.. er.. "ongoing" piece. The former was a rollercoaster and delightful and the latter, well, we love soundboarding endless ideas but life really does its thing!

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

I don't really know :')

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I have a laaarge number of story ideas that only exist in my head, but I don't have any unfinished WIPs right now. I'd like to think I'll end whatever it is I started, even if it may take me forever 🙃

This response is borrowed by Carla herself as I agree with the sentiment but to add my own in:

Yes I have many idea docs that are sort of marinating (?) and some that won't see the light of the internet for several reasons. However, in my existing WIPs, I don't see myself completing AU (WTFock), unfortunately.

If I get myself together soon, I may infact finish DOS, God willing. I want to complete that because that's where this recent journey began :')

16. What are your writing strengths?

Not sure, really, I think my character explorations and creation of... environment or context? Probably that.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I'm strengthening my hold on dialogue, very slowly :') The formatting of that used to violate English grammar horrifically too. But my most significant weakness would be my inability to exercise brevity. Working on that too!

When I'd first jumped back in, I wasn't very good at breaking up my prose and it used to be super chunky. Hopefully that's improving!

And sometimes I tend to get a bit stuck with one emotion or one moment and... over describe (?) it, tied to brevity or lack thereof i guess.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Ah, this is a funky one. I am deeply apologetic to those who have been reading my work for Cla$$ for the inaccesability of mucg of my dialogue. For SMZS, it was mostly English but for some reason Hindi was coming naturally to me, probably as a carry forward from the hybridised speaking of many of its characters. All my prose otherwise is in English which I know makes the whole experience jarring. Trying to find a balance and/or reverse translating to my dominant language in order to write dialogue.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

My list on here says WTFock, the Belgian SKAM.

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

I'd have to say Rise (for Cla$$) because its a canonically permitted exploration of Hindustani Music. I'm proud of the development and the suggestions in that one.

My 6 + 1 piece for KRPKAB S1 was also kinda neat :)

The aforementioned 'Complete' (BBC Sherlock) was also very personally fulfilling and has touched people and reading their feedback has been so beautiful x

Adios :)

No pressure to the following but:

I tag @hackedbyawriter, @reyestrands and @herawell, three incredibly talented writers.

But anyone else too, because my mind has to be missing a few people I know :') All fic writers, feel tagged! <3

I was tagged by @dragonsoftheeast to write about my writing - thank you!!! If you know me, you know I love to go on about this, so be prepared, this is a long one.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

15

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

312,657

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Elite Elite Elite, baby. I have one Money Heist fic (Nairobi, la puta madre para siempre 🔥) and one Class fic, but that's an Elite remake, sooo… I'm basically a one trick pony haha.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Close your eyes, count to ten (duh); The ties were black, the lies were white (next chapter coming soon!); Midnights in October; Summer state of mind; It's the most wonderful time of the year

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I'm so grateful for comments and love chatting with people about their thoughts, the characters, my interpretation of them, etc.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmm, I don't know that I really do angsty endings. Lots of angsty stories and chapter endings, for sure. But the ending-ending is usually at least hopeful, or perhaps melancholy. Maybe Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Fics like Midnights in October or Best Friends Forever are sad, but I wouldn't say the ending is angsty.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Close your eyes, count to ten! No way was I going to give Lu anything but the happiest ending after everything I put her through ❤️

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No! Honestly surprising considering I write so much VaLu and they're a little controversial, but I guess I got into Elite fic when the fandom was already pretty small, so not that many people were around to care anymore, haha.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Only very brief scenes.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Midnights in October is a ghost story (that's really a story about friendship) inspired by The Haunting of Bly Manor. And, uh, 12 points go to… is kind of a crossover with the Eurovision Song Contest? But my only real crossover is I put a spell on you, Hocus Pocus with the Elite characters.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Not yet.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Lu and Valerio will always have my heart.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I have a laaarge number of story ideas that only exist in my head, but I don't have any unfinished WIPs right now. I'd like to think I'll end whatever it is I started, even if it may take me forever 🙃

16. What are your writing strengths?

I'm good with plotting- I have good ideas that I can turn into fairly good stories, I'd like to think. I give different characters room to grow, or at least give them little moments to shine, too, not just my favorites/ main characters. With characters I know well, I can make them "make sense"- dig into their motivations, their character traits, how they've been treated and have it be clear (maybe not for the characters around them, but for the reader) why they act the way they do and why they make certain decisions, even when they're bad decisions.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

There are some physical reactions people have that I repeat too often. I love angsty drama and in longer stories, I put in so much sometimes that it loses its effect a little, I think. I'd like to be able to write more lyrically, but I can't, so most of my stuff is pretty straight-forward. And I can't write good smut to save my life.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I personally don't believe in it. The occasional pet name or whatever thrown in is fine, but apart from that it a) doesn't make much sense to me; whatever language you write it, to me it's implied that this is the characters' mother tongue- like, I write in English, but the Elite characters live in Madrid, so the assumption is that they all speak Spanish, which would make switching to actual Spanish weird. And b) it's more work for readers then having to use online translators to figure out what people are saying.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I started to put down a Grey's Anatomy fic about Izzie and Denny yeeears ago that didn't go anywhere.

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

Obviously Close your eyes, count to ten will always be my baby. I spent close to three years with the characters and I'm proud of the story. But depending on the day and my mood I have other favorite fics, too.

I tag @dhyanshiva and @cangse-sanren, two incredibly talented Class fic writers. I can't think of any other mutuals who write, but if you do and that has escaped me (apologies), PLEASE DO THIS TOO! I'm serious- all fic writers, feel tagged!

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Takin a break for the first time in a while

It feels weird to be saying that again. It's been prolly.. 2ish months since I've cared how much I take. Let alone not having any at all lmao. I didn't forget that I'm mean to explain myself and I have been working on a draft for that.. tho it wont be posted for a little while.

tldr: temp break for a week. possibly still dosing but much lower and only taken where needed to prevent adverse effects to not get in the way of a massive project I'll be working on. At most probably 2-3 for the week vs 1-3 a day. No posts of any kind til at least the 14th. Even if I dose, no documenting as I'll strictly be sleeping and working to have any possibility of get this shit done in time

Reason being R's birthday is coming up. She's been in a slump since her breakup. Course I mean. Losing someone that you had that much history plans with is awful. Even if it was only a year. I couldn't imagine how she feels rn. Whiich is why I'm bothering to do all this..

I promised I'd make her some bracelets months ago since it's a longtime hobby of mine. Been making rubber band bracelets since middle school. Wayyy past the rainbow loom craze tho.. smh. I still get so salty about that. COULD YOU IMAGINE THE MONEY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ME COULDA MADE??? Even if I only knew half the patterns I knew now I woulda made BANK bruh.. but nah. 5 years after the fact I finally learn it

Then during quarantine I picked up friendship bracelets and kandi, with friendship bracelets being my preferred type. Made sooooo many... only to never wear em. I never wore any of my bracelets if I'm being real. It's so backwards

Ah but anyway. Yeah. I'm gonna give her pretty much all of the bracelets that're worth a damn and I have probably... 40ish patterns saved on top of that

....and like 10 keychains.....

Kinda overboard I know. I was originally content with just sending all the bracelets I've made through this year with a few extra but.. then i went and caught the fr feels (the actual term for that feels cheesy 🙃) so didn't feel like it was enough for her. So I started casually making a list of shit I wanted to make which got massive sooooo quickly

Thennn shit happened and my progress pretty much halted. During the time we were on the phone all the time I made a good 20% of my list which was pretty good for 2ish months of heavily interrupted work so I thought I'd have this all done wayyy before her birthday

Did not expect half the shit that went on in the time since.

I've BARELY made progress since. I've maybe made... 5 bracelets in the time since. I get kinda cold/shaky when I'm high + a good majority of the time I'm either salty/crying/thinking up a storm or dancing around my room/listening to music/playing a game tryna act like dph is pink dopamine. Basically, I'm not too productive when I'm gone. HA ofc unless I want the shit when I'm doing something I need to be productive for. Then I'll bullshit til I get some..

Tangent mb mb. Two other things happened. Uh one I just realized I misremembered her birthday. It is in fact NOT the 28th as I thought it was.. it's the 18th. Only recently checked and saw so that was fun. Then she got broken up with and went pretty much silent ever since. I think we were otp damn near everyday before we went to bed during that period of them being together but not speaking. Then like 2-3 days after her partner left she said the whole I don't know if you can help shit so I haven't really talked to her since. I tried checking in one other time but it was still pretty obvious she didn't really wanna talk so I've been giving her her space. I know it'd probably be the smart/right thing to keep reaching out even if it'd annoy her but she'll turn off notifs in a heartbeat. i think she only recently turned em back on actually I asked her about something and it didn't take hours.. its a pathetic that is something I'm genuinely happy about..

Ah but yeah us not really talking plus her being so sad is kinda pushing me to make her present as grandiose as I can. She's not that sort of person anyway I'm sure even if I made her one she'd wear that shit til it fucking disintegrates but I'm hoping a bigger selection will make her feel less obligated to do all that. Plus I wanna show her that friendships/relationships shouldn't be so transactional you know? It'd be hella easy for me to just send the few I've already made and just say fuck it. We aren't talking rn and I didn't get a gift. I didn't even get a happy birthday period til the next day off of some fight with her and her partner that had her crying and sulking the day away. But even with that, she's a good friend to me period. I don't need her to be there for me every single time for her to reap the rewards from that. It sounds kinda stupid just saying it. Ah yes, you've sat there and helped me plenty of rough times and have made a strong friendship with me even with me CONSTANTLY trying to push you away but you forgot my birthday and been quiet for the last week so therefore fuck your present. Like ?? stupid. I'm sure she's gonna see it that way though smh. I'm already writting a gentle stfu letter to put in there so she'll hopefully ease up on herself a bit

Ah anyway. Long story short I can't risk the nonsense of benadryl rn. Shit makes getting out of bed hella hard and I can't have anything effecting my hands as I gotta to be able to make knots quick quick if I have any chance of getting the entire list done. So unless some life shit happens, I'm going 110% on that. Ideally, as little sleep as needed to not make too many mistakes as its a hassle to untie. I would say no sleep but I'm sure a week of that aint possible so I'm aiming for 2 hours a day. 30 mins of naps when needed though I really need to have it all right the first time to not waste time. It takes me a good minute or 2 to untie a single wrong knot so it's not even worth. The time I waste sleeping'll pay for itself in accuracy.

I'm assuming this all means no dph til at least next week. Works out honestly I'm running low on pills anyway. That's been weird to think on. I calculated it all out and it's kinda shocking. It's the most real feeling evidence of my addiction. If I were taking the proper dose, I could take it every single day and it'd still last roughly 3 years. I've only had mine since Feb 23rd and I have probably 100ish pills left. Shit honestly felt unlimited for a while..

Well, ig if the week goes to plan I'd be killing two birds with one stone, tho i doubt. If I have any issues with nightmares, I'm taking some no questions asked. I never get the hallucinations benadryl is so infamous for but when I'm withdrawing bad enough allll that horrible shit gets crammed in my dreams. God.. I remember the first few I like they happened recently. Had one where an end of the world paradise suddenly went dire and everyone just started killing themselves to save themselves from dying of starvation/thirst and I had to listen to every single sound from that. Another where I was accidentally drugged tryna help a friend and spent the entire dream running while going in and out of consciousness which made getting back to their house/evading the police terrifying. Most recently I had to help/defend a family with various deformities while trying to hold it together to not make them feel like I was upset because of their looks when in reality it was from having to scream and yell at people gawking at the kids I was helping. That and having about 40 people to take care of and it all being sprung on me out of nowhere. Which after was said and done took a seemingly casual turn to a free dinner in the lobby with the rest apartments residents being in there. I naively sat and picked something I knew would be good not thinking anything of it, only for the random people I sat with all being replaced with these older women yelling at me for picking so casually. Ah then all grabbed me and forced me to watch my dad cut some dude's head off with these giant shears. Ah. That was the first time I've actually cried in my sleep. Well... ish I clearly was sobbing from the way my face/chest was feeling but none of the tears. Shit I almost fell out of bed. I was pulling back trying to turn my head away from the whole beheading but they were all holding me in place. So ig I was doing that as I slept too. Woulda been.. not fun to say the least. I have concrete floors as my room is the basement sooooo I'm sure my fatass full deadweighting onto the floor would prolly cause a few issues lmfao

ah god sorry sorry I did not mean to go that in depth. That is genuinely the only thing that keeps me dosing some days. I've gotten used to a lot of the various withdrawal effects but nightmares + heart pain are really the only things that actually bother me nowadays. I was only going to do a brief retelling to emphasize why it's such a non-option for me but I got carried away.

anyway. temporary goodbye for now. i wont be posting so i can focus on her present. dont know if i also mentioned it but im also using paper stars/flowers/hearts as the like.. gift paper shit. like the thin strands you'd put in a gift bag so you can't immediately see everything inside? yep. uh. had the bright idea of filling that with little mini origami... dont know why th I would as that shit is literally worthless in the way I'm using it but... I already bought the paper and I have all the tutorials bookmarked... 🙃

i must be a special breed of stupid honestly.. within the week I'm supposedly making 50 bracelets/keychains of varying sizes/patterns/difficulties + learning how to do origami so I can fill a fucking box. we'll see how that goes lmao

[clatterbane]

Little update:

Mr. C has talked to the animal transport people, and got the main paperwork scanned/sent back to them today.

It looks like they should, indeed, be able to fly in through Copenhagen! 👍He's also checked--and got in touch with the Danish Embassy to clarify one point--and we humans should be good to fly in through there too, under current Plague Time regulations. (No destination address in Denmark apparently required, after all, if we're heading straight on to Sweden. Which, in this case, would be right across the bridge!)

So, that's all a relief.

What has had me in further Quiet Mental Breakdown Mode all day since then, though, is that we're now that much closer to a firm family moving date: most likely 31 May! 😱🙀

Apparently there are only a couple of flights a week which can also take the cats within our required time frame, likely because Plague Time. And for various complicated reasons I'm not sure I totally got, he says that day would work better for Project Family Import than the following Monday.

(Then, of course, after helping us all get settled in--and no doubt a few days' much-needed rest for his own good!--he'll need to fly back to Plague Island. Then he can finish making sure all our shit is properly packed up and handed over to the movers, and get other loose ends tied up while he's self-isolating for 10 days minimum. Then, pending further COVID testing, he should theoretically be able to finally gtfo and haul ass back to Sweden for good. *fingers crossed*)

So yeah, I'd better get my personal belongings packed up and some other stuff taken care of before the end of the month, and get as ready as I ever will be to make another international move with two suitcases! 🙃

This time, plus likely some spare space in his luggage, one Giant Wheelchair Bag, and our two feline dependents. And I can be way more confident that he will actually ship the other belongings that he says he will, unlike my freaking hoarder dad. 🙄

So yeah, that's where we are right now. And also mostly why I haven't been around much lately.

I would maybe be feeling slightly less unsettled if I did already have a valid passport among other details sorted out, but hey. There really is fuck all any of us can do to control whatever course the US Embassy/NHS/etc. decide to follow. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Which kinda leads me to the opposite of worrying about it all less, but there is now at least a more definite time frame for the worries!

Oh yes, just reminded by that last travel update (full of unexpected kindness!) getting another note.

Mr. C contacted an animal transport specialist business, figuring they'd know what to do and what steps to follow, so much better than we do. Especially with a lot of international things turning more complicated post-Brexit--not to mention all the extra constantly shifting Plague Time considerations thrown on top. 😵

Turns out that the cats should also be able to fly into Gothenburg. For comparison to what we were afraid would be necessary:

Shaving off about half the trip would help so much! Especially considering the whole point is dragging along a couple of poor discombobulated cats. 🙀 At least the actual flight shouldn't be longer than 2-2.5 hrs, in any case.

(BTW, Mirrors has lived in this house since he was like 4-5 weeks old, and Feist was born here. They're also 16 and 17 now, so yeah I expect that the whole relocation process will be extra stressful on them in general! 😩 But, the best we can do is try to make it as smooth as possible.)

Best of all would be if we could just bring them in through Copenhagen, and he's apparently looking into the current regulations affecting all of us there now. *fingers crossed*

That's just right across the Öresund. And it looks like the airport is also not that far from the bridge/tunnel, which should be even handier! I wouldn't even feel too bad about taking New Landlord up on his offer to drive us, if that option is open after all.

But yeah, nothing about this whole moving operation is simple. And I could easily vomit forth a whole novel-length vent about how the combo of political BS (e.g., Brexit) and Plague Madness has been driving me even crazier, in terms of unpredictability in planning practically from one moment to the next.

(Hell, I still have no idea if I will even be able to get a valid passport in time for the flight plans. Can't even request an Embassy appointment until within 5 days of whenever our flight is booked. 🥴)

[ETA: Since we've been back out of lockdown, they're starting to make some other appointments available again a few days a week for issues which absolutely must be handled in person. But, it still looks like I'll realistically have to wait for an emergency appointment, and pray that they will have their shit together enough to give me a new passport in time for us not to waste a bunch of money rescheduling flights.

There are few enough slots available still, for a single week in advance--and those seem to be getting snapped up as soon as they're posted. 😑 Not really a surprise, with the number of people who are probably feeling at least as desperate by now, but a frustrating situation all around.]

But, I will spare everyone most of that--at least for now! I don't have the energy right now, anyway.

It is a bit of a relief, though, that we shouldn't need to fly into Stockholm after all.