#twilight crackfic

[denalilily]

Perhaps We Should Settle This With A Dance Off: an AU breaking dawn crack fic oneshot

"Look, I'm not asking you to fight for us. All we need is to buy some time so that the Volturi will hear what we've got to say." Carlisle reassured the strange group of friends from different periods of his life, all standing together in his pale wooden living room, staring doubtfully at him. How strange life sometimes was.

"It will come to a fight. I can not see how you possibly plan to avoid that, Carlisle." Vladimir was the first to speak, his nonchalant tone somewhat diminished by the expectant smirk on his face.

Eleazar rolled his eyes and took a step forward, addressing the room. "We all know you cannot wait for an excuse to throw hands with the Volturi, but the rest of us still hold on to hope that it will not come down to that. I've seen his guards at work, I know their potency and what they can do. In a fight against the Volturi, we would be less than useless."

"Is there no hope, then?" Tanya asked, turning her amber eyes over to her brother and then to Carlisle.

"There is always hope." Carlisle said soothingly, putting an arm on her shoulder.

"Like Carlisle said, all we need is a distraction to get them to listen. They'll be coming to fight, not to hear us out. We need to throw them off their guard." Edward spoke out, standing up from his armchair and feeling important. He suddenly turned his head to Garrett, standing at the door with his arms crossed and a spark gleaming in his eyes. Edward let out a laugh of surprise and amusement, shaking his head slightly while smiling. "You know, that actually might be just what we need. Something unexpected, indeed!" He chuckled again.

Emmett looked from his brother's face to Garrett's, growling in frustration. "I hate it when he does that," he muttered to Benjamin, who was standing at his side. Edward whispered something in Carlisle's ear, and his face lit up with amusement and delight to match his son's.

"Brilliant, Garrett. That's exactly what will get them to stop and buy us some time." He wanted to burst out laughing in relief and amusement, but didn't want to make the faces staring between him, Edward and Garrett look even more confused and frustrated. Carlisle composed himself and turned to his patriotic friend. "Tell them about your plan, old friend." He said, still grinning.

Garrett stepped forward, looking around the room solemnly to demonstrate the importance of this moment. "May I offer an idea to be considered?" He declared, waiting a moment to add a dramatic pause between his words. "Perhaps we could avoid, or at the very least delay the fight by breaking into a choreographed dance the moment the redcoats set their eyes on us. It would certainly be unexpected. We would all have to practice, and someone would have to compose the choreography, of course. We still have a few days." His red eyes scammed the room again, to see the reactions on the other vampires' faces as voices began murmuring to each other. "Shall we vote on it?"

Emmett's face broke into a wide grin, and Garrett exchanged a smirk with him before his eyes wandered over to the Denali sisters. He caught Kate's eye, and noticed the michievous hint of a smile on her face, her golden eyes smoldering. She was gorgeous, and he couldn't help but linger his gaze on her. He forced himself to turn to look at the other vampires to see their reaction.

"I vote HELL YES!" Emmett roared, walking over to Garrett and slapping him on the back. Ever since getting here, Garrett had had a good feeling about Emmett, and could see now that he was right. They were going to be great friends, he thought.

One by one, the vampires' hands began to raise, some more hesitant than the others. Siobhan, Benjamin, Esme, Bella, Carmen, Kate, Tanya, Zafrina... Almost everyone seemed to be on board with it. Vladimir and Stefan were the last to raise their hands, their condition being that they would only agree to it if they would be free to gouge the Volturi's eyes from their sockets once it was done.

---------

"Everyone, get in formation! Five, six, seven, eight!" Benjamin shouts, signaling the start by lighting a little flame on his palm.

Tanya and Carlisle hurried to the front of the group in extravagant dance steps as the music blasted.

"Em!" Rosalie snapped, when Emmett started beat-boxing again.

"What?" He asks, a little too innocently.

"If you're going to do that even one more time, I'm stepping out."

"Babe, come on! We'll just look stupid without music!"

Rosalie rolled her eyes affectionately and let the subject drop.

They continued the dance, Rosalie making everyone seem foolish with her own graceful and classical variations of the moves. Some of the others, like Jacob, who kept bursting out in laughter and disrupting everyone, were having a hard time taking this seriously. Carlisle and Tanya, who were supposed to lead the whole thing, were very committed to their part, their faces serious the whole time. The bit ended with everyone stepping forward and snapping their fingers repeatedly and throwing their hands up. Each time they practiced, it ended with everyone freestyling, so Garrett and Carlisle proposed to keep it in the choreography. Zafrina and Senna showed off their moves from an Amazonian war dance, Emmett grabbed Rose's hand and spun her around, Vladimir danced like a robot. Everyone started jumping and moving around like crazy, laughing and having fun. Garrett had forgotten what it felt like, to enjoy the company of other people and have fun with them, as he was sure many of the other nomadic vampires felt as well. He came face to face with Kate, who was laughing as well, and pulled her into his arms, spinning around together in a circle. Caught up in the happiness of the moment, none of them even thought about the reason they were here in the first place, and how much time they might have left to be together.

---------

They stood in an arranged formation on the field. Everyone was in the position they had been practicing in, and now there was nothing left to do but wait. The snow was sticking, and the day had come.

"Our plan may succeed, but then again, it may not. We might as well all die here today, but if that is to be so, let me say one final thing. If I am to die, then I am honored to die dancing by your side." Garrett declared, looking around at the vampires surrounding him. Friends, allies, family.

Carlisle gave his friend a meaningful look, and nodded to acknowledge his words.

"If they decide to attack, then let them come. I am not afraid." Kate said loudly, staring around at the vampires as if challenging someone to disagree. "Hear, hear!" Vladimir approved.

They stared at the forest, and waited as the last seconds passed.

They came with pageantry, with a kind of beauty. Aro was in the very front, leading the formation. Carlisle didn't even need to count them to know that they were outnumbered. They moved slowly, but deliberately, and showed no signs of stopping. Carlisle looked at Benjamin for the signal.

Benjamin held out his palm for everyone to see. A small flame flickered to life, and Garrett knew this was it. It was now or never.

He stepped forward deliberately, making sure the Volturi could hear and see him clearly. "Perhaps we should settle this with a dance-off!" He shouts, and as he feels the movement coming behind him, he steps back to his place at Kate's side.

Carlisle and Tanya took moved forward in steady steps, the others following right behind. Garrett found that once they began, it was impossible to stop, and all his fear evaporated as they continued toward the Volturi, their steps and moves becoming more and more confident. And the Volturi... halted.

Incredulity was the strongest emotion on the leaders' faces, which slowly turned into fury, amusement and indifference on Caius', Aro's and Marcus' faces respectively. And if Garrett hadn't seen it with his own eyes, he never would have believed it. The ancient leader stepped forward, breaking out in his own, strange dance moves.

"Stop him!" Caius hissed, his face livid. The guard hesitated, no one brave enough to talk sense into their master. Aro did not stop. One of the guards, a large man, stepped forward beside him, breaking into a freestyle dance. Some of the others followed suit, while most of them took cautious, awkward steps forward as they followed their wild, dancing master to the center of the field.

They met in the center, and when the two dancing sides were close enough to be of talking distance, Carlisle put up his hand and they halted. So did the Volturi.

There was a long pause. Finally, a member of the Volturi guard spoke out.

"Well played, Cullens. Well played."

There was an amused and impressed smirk on his face. His name, Edward read from Eleazar's thoughts, was Demetri. There was a collective wave of relief as they knew now their plan had succeeded. The Volturi would not attack immediately. They had time to explain everything, at least, even if it did come to a battle eventually. Garrett began to felt a spark of hope. They were going to make it. He was not going to die, not today, not when he had finally found something to live for. He bound his arm around Kate, ready for the rest of eternity to begin.

'perhaps we should settle this with a dance off!'

has anyone written a fic with the premise that the Cullens and Volturi actually *did* settle their differences with a dance off?  If so, does anyone have a link?  If not, would anyone be interested in a one-shot with this premise?

[hugsandchaos]

He’s In The Walls!

Summary: Uhh, I did the writing version of doodling last night and forgot to post it. Once again, the ranch hand tries to trick Danny into getting some sleep. Key word: tries.

Word count: 1,235

Twilight peered into the room and internally let out a mixture of a sigh and a groan. Just like he saw earlier, Danny was still awake, sitting by the fireplace, still reviewing and studying the same textbook over and over. His red notebook was left open and folded in half next to the small, but rather thick book with blue and black colors wide open. Danny called it “Algebra Two”, which was something he was supposed to start learning in over two months from the day he ended up tagging along with them.

He was determined to use any free time he had while on this adventure to get a head start, though, because according to him, math wasn’t his strong suit and Algebra is apparently part of math. It made sense, but at the same time, it frustrated Twilight a bit that it was his first thing to do when he had free time.

Unless it was nighttime. He’d instead be found outside stargazing. Except tonight.

Tonight, Danny had been reading and doing practice problems since before the sunset, right after he finished helping around with chores and dinner. It was as if he didn’t notice day had already passed by. Twilight wouldn’t be too surprised. The young teen could get pretty deep in the zone if he was left to it for long enough.

Danny reached for the mug placed on the carpet next to him and lifted it up to take a sip of the contents, but then he paused and looked inside.”Huh, must’ve drank faster than I thought.” He muttered to himself. Twilight’s mood was lifted and a smile briefly appeared on his face when he heard that. Before he could try to put his plan into motion, however, Danny stood up. He yawned and turned to go into the kitchen. There was the sound of water and movement before he came back to sit down next to the books again.

He lifted both arms up and groaned a little before letting his arms fall back down. Danny just sat there for another few seconds, eyes staring at the fire in a tired daze, then looked back at the books. Twilight decided now was the time to make his move.

The ranch hand wordlessly entered the room and began walking towards Danny. Surprisingly, he went unnoticed until he came close enough to kneel down and put the blanket around Danny’s shoulder.”Twilight? I appreciate it, but I’m not cold—“ Danny stopped his response when he noticed that the ranch hand had actually wrapped it around his shoulders. Twilight lightly pushed him down and reached one arm down so he could get his legs, too.

“Hey, what are you going?!” Danny asked, a little irritated. He moved his legs around and tried to worm out the arms that were now pinned against his sides, but he was tired after everything that transpired over the last few days.

It affected all of the members, really. Twilight had just gotten up for some water, but when he saw Danny, he went and got a spare blanket. Now he was going to use it to wrap around him and finally ensure he’d get his sleep.

Danny wriggled around in protest, but his movements didn’t have even half as much strength as usual. When Twilight successfully managed to wrap his entire body in the blanket, Danny had finally stopped fighting, but the glare he shot Twilight’s way had a small fire that wasn’t extinguished yet. The ranch hand wrapped his left arm around Danny and picked him up. As he left the room and took a turn to the right, the kid’s irritation grew with his stuff now left behind.

“Are you going to explain?” Danny asked.

“Kid, you’re falling asleep at the books and it’s midnight. You’re going to bed.” Twilight said. He turned his body and maneuvered through the doorway meant for one person, not one person plus another wrapped in a blanket.” ‘N don’t bother tryin’ to get free anymore. I know that your strength’s spent, ‘n that tea you were given actually helps with sleep, not stayin’ awake.” He added.

The hallway itself was luckily wide enough for three people, so the ranch hand was able to carry Danny without worrying about hitting him against the wall. The long window following down half of it allowed faint moonlight from the unseen moon to paint the hallway in a very dim, calming white light. It was a little quiet for a few more seconds, and Twilight had allowed himself to hope that the cozy cargo he was carrying had fallen asleep already.

“Smart move, cowboy.” Danny said. He said it in that kind of note where it’s half spite, half genuine respect. Twilight breathed out a very brief laugh from his nose as he crossed the hall towards the door on the other side, which had an unclaimed bed inside.“You know what the only problem is?” Danny asked.

Feeling a little smug about how things turned out, Twilight couldn’t help but think that whatever he was about to say or do wouldn’t be an actual problem. Sure, the kid was stronger than he looked, but any sudden bursts of fighting energy had likely already been spent. Still, he wanted to know what he was going to say for the sole purpose of seeing him when it didn’t work.”What’s that?” Twilight asked confidently. While he was focused on opening the door, he failed to notice the white light coming from Danny.

“I’m already gone.”

As soon as he started speaking, Twilight noticed the lack of weight where Danny once was. He could no longer feel the young teenager against his body and the blanket that he’d previously used to secure him fell from his arm and onto the floor. The ranch hand looked down bewildered to see nothing but empty space where Danny was supposed to be. Twilight’s eyes widened in shock as he looked around almost frantically, genuinely concerned about how the kid had disappeared and where to.

As he glanced around, his enhanced hearing picked up on a small laugh coming from the right. When he turned, he couldn’t see Danny, but something told Twilight that some kind of presence he didn’t notice before had just left the narrow room through the wall right in front of him.“He’s in the walls...” He muttered. He then picked up the blanket again and held either side in both hands. He readied himself and relied on the very odd sensation his wolf senses picked up as he ran back down the hall. He already knew that the books were probably already gone.”He’s in the goddessdamn walls!” Twilight repeated, but kept his voice down to a whisper.

When Time looked out his window to see Twilight running across the field and out of view of the window, his first thought was that something was incredibly wrong and sat up. Then, just as quickly, he saw the ranch hand return carrying a sleeping Danny into the house. He smiled a little and laid back down to go back to sleep.

The next day, he’d confirm with Twilight that Danny stayed up late studying again, and Malon would hear them and swear to have a word with him.

“Hylia help him.” Twilight joked.

“Oh, pup, Hylia would only be able to stall her for a few minutes.” Time said

[blarefordaglare]

muscles

Based on @kikker-oma post (https://www.tumblr.com/kikker-oma/747057784573591552/wind-has-some-role-models?source=share)

Anyways let’s get started

Oh and I also switched up some of the characters placement wise, specifically in the last frame, hope that’s alr!

Oh and TW: body stuff (as in size, musculature, etc.)

…

Wind’s eyes blinked awake to the faint swaying of the breeze. Kicking away his bedroll, he reached for his glass of water. 

“Come on big brother! It’s breakfast time!” Aryll smiled, trying to drag the sailor over, “Grandma made soup!” 

Wind payed no attention though, and instead continued to walk deeper into the forest. His hands instinctually went to the hem of his shirt, where did his shirt go?

Anyways, back to business. “Hi guys!” The sailor smiled, “I have something to show you all.” 

“What?” 

Wind smirked as he picked up a quite heavy… thing. Unsure what it was, but it doesn’t matter. It was probably about 500 million pounds was his guess, “Look how strong I am!” 

Sky gasped as he stared at the muscles, “Wow Wind!” He looked down on his own arms in comparison. He was so much stronger than the Skyloftian, he truely was a legend. 

Wind beamed in pride as he saw Warriors look up in surprise, “You’re so much stronger than us!” Pride rang through his words, as if saying, you are the best person ever.

“I’ll never have muscles like you!” Twilight cried as he bit into a cucco bone..? “Teach us your ways!” He pleaded, “Please!” 

Wind giggled, “Don’t worry guys!” He flexed his muscles, “Someday you’ll be as strong as I am!” His brothers slowly faded into the background as he basked in his pure strength.

…

Twilight shakes his head as he watches the young sailor giggle in his sleep, “What a goof,” he rolls his eyes as he tries to poke him awake, “What do you think he’s dreaming about?” The dreaming boy only smiled harder as he rolled onto his side. 

“Who knows?” Sky shrugs, “But from the looks of it, he’s pretty happy… maybe he’s having better luck with girls than our captain is.” He teases, slightly shoving the man in question.

“Well excuse me!” Warriors laughs, ignoring Legend’s call about, clothes? That was his guess. “This is priceless,” he reached out, “I’m gonna plug his nose.” 

“Zel’ did the same thing with me when I was younger,” Sky laughed as he slipped on his tunic, “Do it, I dare you.” 

One startled awaking later, and a week of money mysteriously going missing from the trio, nobody knew what he was dreaming about.

[kingsnake101]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, Linked Universe - Fandom Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Four & Hyrule & Legend & Sky & Time & Twilight & Warriors & Wild & Wind (Linked Universe), Four & Warriors (Linked Universe) Characters: Four (Linked Universe), Yiga Clan (Legend of Zelda), Warriors (Linked Universe), the others might join at some point Additional Tags: Minish Four (Linked Universe), Crack, Kidnapping, Misunderstandings, Four (Linked Universe)-centric, Yiga!Four, Kinda, Master Banana Summary:

When Four, stuck in his minish form, is dropped into the middle of the Yiga clan's base, he fears the worst. He would have never expected to be named a messenger of Ganon by the clan's leader. But there he was, forced to play the part of Master Banana until his brothers found him. He hoped they would soon. He was getting really tired of bananas.

I have a bunch (haha) of ideas for this. I might even make a oneshot book, who knows :>

This is somewhat of a simpler version, I have another idea that involves Twilight/Wolfie that I’ll put under the cut.

So Four keeps trying to get out, but the Yiga keep a close eye on him and he never gets to leave. In this version, either the Yiga know sign or they all learn it because it is the “language of ganon”. Eventually, he convinces them to let him go on a mission.

When he’s on the mission, he runs into the chain. He doesn’t want to blow his cover just in case, so he throws himself at Twilight/Wolfie. Wolfie can understand him, and he tells him “its me smithy I need you to kidnap me” and throws himself into Wolfie’s mouth. Twilight is confused but goes along with it

Twi and Four get captured and brought back to the base. In a last ditch effort to save Twilight, Four tells them “uhhh ganon is telling me that this beast will become my servant! He is lending me his power!” He starts telling Twi the plan in minish speak (which the yiga think is ganon’s language because of course they do). Twi even uses some twilight magic to create little wispy bits. So now they’re both stuck in the Yiga base, and Twi has to pretend to be under Four’s control. Four also tells them that Twi can’t eat bananas because “he doesnt deserve them” (he doesn’t want Twi to suffer like he has the past 2 months). Four doesn’t know if he can eat the dubious meat they give to Twi, but he will try if it means he gets to eat anything that isn’t bananas.

Thank you for listening to my rant about stupid au :>

If anyone wants to use this idea, I would love that! Just tag me so I can see it :D

[daenystheedreamer]

SURPRISE SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE ON SHUFFLE 🦇

[aus-nobody-asked-for]

The reason Vampires in Twilight sparkle is not because they reflect sunlight naturally to attract prey. It is just what Edward says, because it sounds a lot more badass than "the poison makes you weirdly attached to glittery stuff and embalming yourself in body glitter soothes this urge the most efficient way".

[artemistorm]

Hi, shinobi-addiction here!! This isn't my main blog but it is the one with all my LU posts. I saw your post about short stories and figured I'd join in on the fun!

Can I request Sky and cuccos?

Hi @shinobi-addiction here's a crackfic for you!

******

Sky had a secret weapon, one that none of the other heroes had.

“Is it a tool?” Four asked. “Some kind of movement item?”

“Nope,” Sky shook his head with a grin.

“Is it a magic spell?” Hyrule asked.

“Wrong again,” Sky replied.

“How about an awesome crossbow?” Wind asked. “Or a scimitar?”

“No and no again,” Sky said. “you guys are never gonna guess it.”

“When are you going to show us?” Wild asked.

“When the time is right,” Sky crossed his arms. “And it isn’t time yet.”

******

A few weeks later, the Chain was in an abandoned ghost town, fighting a horde of gibdos, redeads, and stalchildren and the battle wasn’t going well.

A gibdo had bitten and disabled Legend’s sword arm and Hyrule had been frozen by the scream of a redead, knocked out, and his sword stolen and carried off into one of the buildings.

Wild was drifting around the edges of the battle, unarmed and walking in an uncoordinated and unfocused way that make Sky suspect he was possessed by a poe.

Time had been swarmed by stalchildren that weighed down his limbs, and pulled him down. Wind tried to break through the writhing mass of bones and free his mentor, but had been swarmed and absorbed into it.

Epona had spooked at the start of the battle and bucked Twilight off, but his foot had been caught in the stirrup and he’d been dragged away by the frightened horse.

A terrifying gibdo with wings had simply picked up Four and flew away with him.

Warriors was doing his best to hold his own, but one of the undead had spewed poison into his face and he was rapidly losing stamina and being overwhelmed.

They were losing the battle hard and fast, and it was up to Sky to summon his secret weapon.

Sky pulled out his harp and played a single note, then put it away again just in time to kick away a redead that was getting a little too handsy for his liking.

“COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOO!!!” A distant cuckoo crowed.

And then suddenly, like a rising fog, cuckoos came out of the grass, the trees, the empty houses, cuckoos dropped out of the sky and sprang up out of the well and flooded the battlefield. They bawked and pecked and clawed at the gibdoes and redeads and stalchildren.

They stole bones away from the bodies of the stalchildren until Time and Wind were able to break free from their grasp.  They ate the gibdo that attacked Warriors. They attacked an invisible entity above Wild until he collapsed like a puppet with the strings cut. Wild awoke and slowly got up to his feet, once again under his own power. A small flock flew off into an orchard and returned, carrying a shaken and confused Four. They flapped and screamed in Hyrule’s face until he regained consciousness.

Once all of the undead were defeated, the cuckoos flew off again in one giant flock.

Slowly the Links began to stagger back together and regroup in the center of town.

“Wait, where’s Twilight?” Wild asked.

Just then the flock of cuckoos returned, carrying both Twilight and Epona kicking and screaming in their collective talons.

“Slap me, am I dreaming?”  Legend muttered.

“No, you are not,” Time replied in awe. “They’re carrying a grown man and an entire horse.”

The cuckoos set down Twilight and Epona and with one last rooster crow, they scattered in all directions.

“I’m pretty sure that’s the weirdest thing I have ever seen,” Hyrule said.

“Sky… wh—how… how did you do that?!” Legend gasped, grasping his bloody arm with his good one. “How did you summon an army of cuckoos?!”

“I rescued a golden cuckoo once, in Warriors’ Hyrule,” Sky explained. “So it was in my debt. When I summoned it for help, it came to our aid.”

“After all this time, THAT your secret weapon??” Wind gaped.

“Yes, yes it was,” Sky answered. “It pays now and then to be friendly to cuckoos.”

[kikker-oma]

Cr*ckfic?

YES

YES

…

It was a beautiful day in the land of Hyrule, the birds were chirping, and the leaves rustled just so in the vast forest. Nothing could possibly go

“I. HATE. YOU!” Wild shouted as he threw a small rock at Legend, “You’re a criminal! Time, tell him I shouldn’t pay a CRIMINAL.”

“You landed on MY railroad. PAY UP 25 RUPEES.”

“NO.”

“YES YOU LITTLE SH-“ Legend looked at Sky, oh poor innocent Sky. The only one that ACTUALLY pays everyone, even if he only has two rupees left, “SHEEP.” He crossed his arms, “I MAY BE IN JAIL, BUT ITS NOT MY FAULT I MOVED FIVE SPACES. BLAME WIND, HE RIGGED THE DICE.”

“What? I would NEVER do anything like that!”

“Shut up Wind, you’re not the one to talk after making me pay 1,250 rupees on your STUPID HOTEL.” Warriors crossed his arms, “And to think you were nice.”

“Wild, just pay Wild his 25 rupees and let’s get back to playing.” Four tried to mediate the situation, “Look, I’ll even give you 25 of my rupees.” He tried to offer up.

“Oh no, don’t believe him!” Hyrule yells, “It’s a trap I TELL YE. ITS A TRAP!!”

“SHHHH RULIE IF YOU WANT MY BLUE CARDS THEN HUSH HUSH!”

Time looked over at Twilight, and Twilight looked over at Time. Behind them, stood a pile of money.

“Wait a minute!” Wild pushed the board aside, “You guys merged bank! CHEATERS!”

“Wild!” Sky sighed, “THE BOARD. YOU KNOCKED IT OVER.”

“Oh puh-lease, we can fix it. But TIME AND TWILIGHT SHOULD GO IN JAIL.” Wild pointed to the jail cell, “Legend, I shall free you, but THESE TWO THAT I PUT MY FAITH IN, ESPECIALLY YOU TIME. WHO SAYS YOU DIDN”T EMBEZZLE FUNDS FROM THE BANK?.!” The scarred boy flopped onto the forest floor, “Thou heart of mine shall be broken, and thou shall perish.”

“At least I am free,” Legend smirked, “Sucks for you guys though.”

“Wait, so none of us are playing the game properly?” Sky looked over at the rules. Monopoly is a weird game, “huh?”

“Took you long enough to figure out,” Warriors sighed, “We can’t even play anymore because SOMEONE knocked the board down.”

“Nuh uh! It’s Four’s fault! If he didn’t try to scam me, none of this would have happened!”

“Mine??? I thought WIND RIGGED THE DICE!”

“I AM INNOCENT.”

“I should have never asked…” Sky sighs, “I’m going to bed.”

“It’s 7:00pm?” Warriors looked over, confused.

“I KNOW! ITS SO LATE.”

….

I just wanted an excuse to write dialouge now that I’m reading over this

WAAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA dude I freaking love this 🤣🤣🤣 this reminds me of an ask I have in my inbox! Someone requested some of the boys playing monopoly and this crackfic reeeeaaaallly makes me wanna draw it LOL

Thank you for blessing me with this chaos lol

[bluerose5]

Astarion gets the Twilight treatment. I take my crackfics very seriously here.

...

"A little help over here!" Erys called out, grunting as he shoved at the slab of stone covering the hunter's sarcophagus.

They were deep within the latest tomb on their journey to find a way to counteract Astarion's... aversion to sunlight, and all paths that they followed led there.

Astarion watched him with a smirk, his hands on his hips.

"Oh, I don't know if you need me," he said. "I mean, I do rather like the view from here."

In response, Erys's tail swayed from side to side, draconic wings giving a slight flutter at the praise.

Of course that didn't stop Erys from turning to narrow his eyes at him.

"Astarion, my love, if you want to know whether this is what we've been waiting for or not," Erys crooned, "then you'll help me."

"Ugh, alright, fine. Spoilsport," Astarion huffed, poking his bottom lip out into a pout. "Although, if I ruin my nails on this filthy hunk of rock, then you owe me."

Erys snorted.

"As if I expect anything less."

Astarion joined him, brushing his fingers over the Infernal carvings upon the sarcophagus, familiar enough with the language by now to understand a few of the words.

"What do you make of it?" Erys asked.

"Blah, blah, something about darkness and light, yada, yada," Astarion muttered.

"Well, I'm surprised you got that much right," Erys taunted, taking Astarion's hand and guiding it over the script as he read aloud. "Roughly translated, it says, 'Bring darkness into light at your leisure, but remember that light shall always expose the true nature of darkness.'"

"So..." Astarion hummed. "What does that entail exactly? Will I turn into some sort of hideous beast in the sunlight instead of turning to ash?"

"Hot," Erys said under his breath; and when Astarion glared at him, he asked, "What?"

"Just help me open the damn thing."

Together, they pushed against the slab.

They pushed and shoved until, finally, the stone fell off to the other side.

A crash roared throughout the tomb, and a cloud of dust sprang up into the air.

Astarion and Erys coughed, frantically waving their hands around until they could see the remains within.

A blood hunter, or what was left of them at least.

And on their finger was a ring, emanating some of the strongest magic they've felt in a while.

"Is that—" Astarion started.

"Maybe?" Erys answered.

"Well," Astarion said, "only one way to find out."

He reached forward, but Erys grabbed his hand before he could reach it.

"Wait," he said, "what if the effects are permanent?"

"What?" Astarion asked. "Wouldn't you still love me as some sort of horrific, malformed beast?"

"That's not what I'm worried about." Erys grimaced. "I'm worried about you making a choice that you might come to regret."

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?" Astarion took a deep, bracing breath. "I have to try. I have to know for certain."

After a moment of searching Astarion's expression, Erys nodded, then released his hand.

Astarion reached into the sarcophagus and wrenched the ring free from the skeleton's bones.

They waited for a lone beat, sharing a skeptical look when nothing happened.

"Really?" Erys raised a brow and searched around them. "No hoards of undead to fight? No angry spirits to ward off? That's it? We can go?"

"Kind of underwhelming compared to the other places we've been to get here, I must admit. Not that I'm one to look a gift horse in the mouth."

When it truly appeared as if their theft didn't trigger any world-ending event, Astarion looked at the engraving along the inside of ring, the words upon the sarcophagus embedded within the band.

Astarion prepared himself for the worst.

He squeezed his eyes shut, then slid the ring onto his finger.

Again, nothing happened.

He peeked an eye open and patted his hands against his face, at least relieved when that remained the same.

"Well?" Erys asked, impatient. "Feel any different?"

"Not really," Astarion answered, his lips tugging into a scowl. "Guess we've come to the moment of truth then. That cryptic warning did mention that light will bring out my true nature or what-have-you. It must mean the sunlight will trigger whatever transformation awaits me."

"Are you sure you're ready for that?"

"As ready as I'm going to be."

"Alright, then," Erys sighed, scratching at his beard. "Time to make camp and wait for sunrise, I suppose."

It all seemed way too easy.

They did, in fact, make camp within the tomb —campfire, bedrolls, and all— but the night was a restless one to say the least.

When Astarion wasn't tossing and turning, trying to slip into his trance, he was up pacing back and forth within the darkness.

Erys eventually dragged him back to bed, unable to sleep without him, heavy wings draped over him in an attempt to keep him there.

Only then, in his arms, was Astarion able to rest.

But he was up at the crack of dawn.

Erys took that as a sign to get the hell up himself, yawning as he made his way outside first.

Once the sun rose, he lifted his hand up to shield his face against the first rays of daylight, peering out between his fingers.

He looked back at the entrance to the tomb, where Astarion teetered on the edge between darkness and light.

Erys reached a hand out towards him.

Astarion nodded to him.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and stepped out into the sunlight for the first time in years since their initial journey ended.

Astarion still didn't feel any change, his brow furrowed, confused by this turn of events.

On one hand, at least the change didn't hurt.

On the other, Erys was absolutely silent.

"Erys," He hissed, panic rising in his voice. "How bad is it?"

The silence stretched on.

Then, out of nowhere, the bastard snickered.

"Are you—" Astarion sputtered, indignant. "Are you laughing at me, you bastard?"

"I'm sorry," Erys wheezed. "It's just that, all of that suspense and build-up, and for this?!"

He barked out another laugh, to which Astarion stomped his foot with a huff.

"Sometimes I could just wring that pretty neck of yours. What in the Hells are you talking ab—Oh."

Astarion opened his eyes, only to be met with the sight of his skin, the same as before except for one teensy-weensy detail.

It was sparkling.

"Huh," he muttered, turning his hands back and forth, but there was no denying reality. This was really happening, apparently. "Never read anything about this sort of thing in all of those dusty, old tomes we dug up."

Erys shrugged.

"Perhaps the ring affects different monsters in different ways. Our buddy in the tomb, ole Hunter-What's-Their-Face, was consumed by the curse of lycanthropy in their final days. Either that," Erys guessed, "or the 'true nature' being revealed relies completely on the individual."

He beamed at Astarion in amusement.

"I think I like the second option more. Would make sense that you, of all people, would become the sparkly, glittery vampire."

"Ha! Whatever do you mean by that, my love?" Astarion crooned with a playful bite in his direction.

The sunlight bounced off his skin in a rainbow of color, casting light all around them.

"Only that I absolutely love that radiant personality of yours."

"You don't say," Astarion drawled, then instantly perked up, twirling back and forth as he basked in the morning's warmth. "You know, as flashy as this may have turned out to be, I'd take this over the alternative any day."

Gathering up their supplies, he reached out and took Erys by the hand.

They followed the path that they took to the tomb, their heads held high.

Erys bumped him with his arm.

"Hey, if anyone asks, we'll just say that this is some quirk of your Fey ancestry. That's if anyone has the courage to ask about it with me at your side."

"Heh, it's as good an excuse as any."

"I can't wait until Gale and Shadowheart get to see this at our next tea time," Erys laughed.

"Is that where we're going next then?" Astarion questioned, embracing the freedom to go wherever their hearts led them, however they pleased. "To Waterdeep?"

"To Waterdeep!"

After all, they owed him that special guest lecture of theirs.

[l-mialamia-l]

i found an old draft of a short aftg crackfic so here it is

The Foxes make a bet on who can seduce the hot new bartender at Eden’s Twilight - who also just so happens to be Andrew’s secret boyfriend.

Shenanigans ensue.

[agentmarcuspike]

hi i'm ziggy (they/them) and i write on the internet! here's everything i've published

(* indicates smut, ≈ indicates angst)

THE LAST OF US joel & his kids

"i crawl home to her" (post-outbreak) ≈ synopsis: after being stabbed, joel floats in and out of consciousness, between then and now, before and after, and his two daughters, both saving him in their own ways. "lover, where do you live" (post-outbreak) ≈ based on the song with the same name, by highasakite "a promise softly sung" (pre-outbreak) synopsis: sarah crashes on her bike, joel freaks out

ellie williams

"mihá (pride)" (post-outbreak) ≈ based on the song with the same name, by mari boine

joel + f!reader

"naked in my bed"-series (dbf!joel, no outbreak) synopsis: after a date you end up in your neighbor, joel miller's, bed... with another man. joel doesn't seem to mind... – part 1, part 2, part 3*, part 4* "all my casualties of love" (post-outbreak) ≈* synopsis: Joel had decided to never love again. His brother left to find a different life, he lost his partner to the horrors, and now he finds himself wandering, gathering courage to end it all, secretly yearning for a reason not to. And then he finds her. And she ruins everything. "a minute from home" (biker!joel, no outbreak) synopsis: a mysterious man with a motorcycle saves you from a terrible date

THE PPCU marcus pike

“give and take” (pmamc 2024)* synopsis: marcus asks you for something he's wanted for some time... “cover me in you” (bf!marcus + gf!reader)* synopsis: your boyfriend marcus gives you everything you need. and you can’t get enough of him. “the longest night” (secret santa gift, nb!reader) synopsis: left alone in the big city during the longest night of the year, a stranger in a club makes you wish it were even longer.

javi peña

“let me fade away” (noncon, dead dove: do not eat) ≈* synopsis: javi catches you doing drugs in a public bathroom, and makes you pay

frankie morales

“two minutes” (triple frontier, frankie x f!dom) ≈* synopsis: after breaking up with you on a self sabotaging whim, frankie finds his way back into familiar arms to cope

dave york

“this godforsaken mess” (equalizer 2, dave x babysitter) * summary: the kids you babysit have a hot dad. you want him. he's married... but exactly how far can you go before the lines are crossed?

crossovers

“three's a crowd” (marcus pike x javi peña x f!reader) * synopsis: your boyfriend, marcus, asks you to hook up with his new good-looking colleague, javier peña. and he'd like to watch.

requests/prompts

javi peña + "leaving notes for them around the house"

joel miller + "painting their nails"

marcus pike + "getting the giggles together"

marcus pike + taylor swift ("you are in love")

twilight / tlou crackfic "sarah introduces joel to edward cullen"

i also write poetry sometimes, and make moodboards, if you're interested in that :-) (to follow along my process you can visit my writingroom tag)

header/divider by me, @saradika, @silkholland, @cafekitsune

[blarefordaglare]

Casually writes fanfiction based on true events

edit: feel like I should clarify- I can still pay rent in my appt. It’s just that BECAUSE of that I haven’t had a real food in ages, so apologies if it’s not too realistic I’ve never been evicted before (and hopefully never 😅)

SoOooOooOO

ig I need a better job because I am going ✨broke✨

but obviously I’m not gonna do anything about it because I’m lazy as heck so instead have this cute lil crackfic instead

…

twilight was going to perish. The man’s heart cracked as he read over the letter over and over again.

curse Uli for teaching him how to read.

“You alright?” Four stepped towards the rancher cautiously, “Something going on at home?”

“Ain’t no way I’m getting out of this one.” Twilight ran a hand through his hair, “I haven’t paid rent since we started this thing.”

“Can’t you just give money to the mailmen once you see him again?”

“I work minimum wage with a crappy manager on a ranch, and even then I haven’t clocked in since Din knows when!” He facepalmed, “If Rusl knew-“

“Can’t you just tell him?” Wind chimed in, “I'm sure he’d be happy to pay!”

“5,000 rupees? Keep dreaming.” The rancher flopped into the dirt, “Who even has this money lying around?”

The champion slowly stepped away.

-5 unofficial wrestling matches later-

“I’ll pay you back?!” The rancher cringed at how it sounded more of a question than a statement as he hands over 50 silver rupees, “I think.”

Four rolled his eyes and patted Wild on his back, “You’re never getting those back you know.” The champion simply nodded solemnly, “How much money do you have in there anyway?” The other hesitated as he handed over his slate.

995 thousand…. The smith could feel his eyes twinkling.

“NO NOT YOU TOO!”

Sky has never seen Four run that fast in his life,“…inflation much?” The Skyloftian muttered as he gazed into his wallet of 9,900 rupees, “This will get me nowhere in the future!”

[stormyrainyday]

my ao3 account got reported bc i had the tag "stay away you fucking freaks" following "there is no pony smut" in my alhaitham/twilight sparkle crackfic. upsetting the furry community and getting a warning placed on my account over a 2 am joke tag was not on my 2024 bingo card but here we are

[normal-about-the-dca]

If anyone would like to talk about my silly DCA/MLP AU Robots in Ponyville, please do! I am losing my mind over here and I must share the brainworms. Woe, fanfic not-quite-summary be upon ye.

Okay! So! In Robots in Ponyville the Daycare Attendant gets sent to Equestria through chaotic anomalous means just before they incur any damage from the fire at the end of Security Breach.

After several misunderstandings Sun gets adopted into the Mane 6 friend group. Mainly because he's obviously not from their world and as the Elements of Harmony it's their duty to help him, but also because Sun genuinely vibes with Fluttershy and Twilight and they come as a package deal.

Over the course of the story Sun and Moon struggle with their senses of identity and personhood, and what it means for a Fazbear Entertainment bot to exist without Fazbear Entertainment. They find a lovely little family with the residents of Ponyville, and must eventually decide between returning home where they belong or staying with their newfound only friends.

I have!! So many thoughts about character relationships (platonic) and would love to ramble about them and hear what other people think!!! It started as a crackfic idea based on a dream but oughh I don't think it's a crackfic anymore.

[denalilily]

🤍 About Me 🤍

hi I'm Lily and welcome to my blog!! I joined last summer and am lovin it. tumblr is literally my job. like, seriously. I post every single day. I mostly reblog twilight posts and all my original content is about twilight. I mainly create memes and gifsets, but I also write fanfiction (check out ao3 below). my favorite characters are the denali sisters and my otp is kate & garrett so most of my content is about them! other stuff you might find on my blog include: funny posts, political posts, poems, sports, positivity & mental health support, art, lgbt stuff, games and more. this blog does not have too many posts. I love the community on tumblr and always happy to make new friends/mutuals, so if you dig my vibe feel free to message me! and if you're a twilight fan.....

I run a discord server for twilight blogs to come together and chat, so if you're interested in getting to know your mutuals, making new friends and discussing twilight stuff message me for the link!

my fav characters: Kate, Garrett, Tanya, Alice, Riley, Carlisle, Charlie, Bree, Leah, Demetri, Mike, Jessica, J Jenks, the blond kid who plays Spiderman

my fav ships: Kate/Garrett, Tanya/Bella, Alice/Demetri

🫀 My Creations 🫀

not exhaustive 🙂

Hasta la Vista, Baby (WIP fic)

Hasta la Vista promotional concept gifset

The Hunter

Baseball scene with Gangnam Style

Jalice divorce moodboard

Carlesme divorce moodboard

Twilight ships VDay edit

Twilight social media AU

Kate and Garrett gifset (Hamilton edit)

Volturi confrontation gifset (les mis edit)

Black Widow video edit of the Denali sisters

Garrett's quotes

Kate's quotes

Twilight characters + funny text messages meme

Denali sisters succubus inspired gifset

Video meme of the Cullens and Denalis

🤍 Garrett's phone gallery 🤍

🤍 Kate's phone gallery 🤍

Garrett's speech meme

Garrett and vegerarianism meme

Twilight character meme

Breaking Dawn Christmas celebration drabble

a Breaking Dawn AU crackfic

Twilight characters incorrect quotes generator memes:

Part 1

Part 2

The first anonymous Tanya Denali ask because it deserves a spot on my pinned post

[j3tt-st4r]

I love Renfield too big fan! I am a HUGE DRACFIELD FAN of the 1931/2023 film. I do love the Bram Stoker Novel of 1897. By the way do you write fanfics? Ao3 or fanfic.net?

I have to recommend two if you have never read them. " In time" by Goblintales It's one of the best Dracfield Revenge fic post movie story its discontinued unfortunetly, i dont know when the author will be back to update....

Also "Under your skin" by kindred an OmegaAlpha Dracfield fanfic. Its really sexy and quite beautiful.

I do hope we can be good friends in the future....

I don’t write fanfics but i will write cringe crackfics for my friends. I wrote a mordetwi fanfic once. At the end i made twilight hit the second tower