#twc suicide

[mayberrycryptid]

this is incredible. Jon Bon Jovi and a team member were able to save this woman from depression today. I know a family that’s been absolutely shattered by depression claiming the life of one of their loved ones, and I am sooooo glad this woman’s family doesn’t have to go through that pain now🥹

and because I am an obsessed totally rational and sane H50 fan, I cant help but think about Danny, who is such a big Bon Jovi fan, seeing this in the news. Or maybe Steve, knowing his Danny, hearing about it first and getting to tell Danny that one of his favorite singers is a hero.

[env0writes]

Umber Embers Vol.3, 9.13.24 “__Pression”

Stuffing down those cotton-mouthed thoughts Of wanting to die Why? With a sigh and a lie and I’ll say “Just look at everything” Pretending that I am not in love with blue skies Overcast, downcast, updraft, rough draft days The fog and morning gaze The dew glaze On the grass in the early sunrise I want to die but I don’t want to die But I want a payout of my attempts as I try Cotton-mouthed, cherry-picked words as I swear Pluck just one from my lips and I’ll share You don’t like these darker days Missing the sun Missing your son Missing the one, right in front of you

The plants out my window grow this and that way Cut down and into line Bound and restrained Retrained with twine Held in place and told to wait Grow this way Are they not prepared for the wildness Nature might grow docile but not tame And me, I guess I’m hunting the same Gathering skills for, what community? WHen the sky is blue I want to die Burnt up beneath the blazing fires Ripping light across the stratosphere No strategy let me get near Back to those summer after-school hours Playing past the park Walked barefoot without a care Still wishing to die You spoke to me thinking nothing of it And like a knife across my mind Wrenched electrical wiring Fixing personalities into place Like those taut twine-taught plants Blowing over in the evening wind

I never knew the choices I’d make Would end up like this, I’d take It all back, Redact it with black Blur out the background Let me leave an impression Of an impressionist painting Out of focus and in the distance I will remain in this instance For an instant you believed That the light you saw coming off of me Was those party-cloudy midday beams of sun Is this not what you wanted? When you mashed me into molds When I ran headfirst into walls Flattening, resetting, refusing to rest Lest I fall behind Stowed all the things that I did best Do I need to rhyme for you to listen I’d say sorry that you have to deal with this When I gesture at all of me When I try to do what is expected Tripping on pre-tied shoelaces Breaking something glass within me Why are hearts made of something so soft Meat and sweet-sickly thick blood Pumps through me like a city-sludged river Struggling to pump happy thoughts That refuse to fly up to my brain Refuse to applaud for a fairy I would tell you sorry If I was But I can never be sure If you tell me I am I might even believe

I know that If I explain it enough It will start to make life less tough Make sense of it all So that when you call I raise my hand confident I rise My eyes fixed on the moment Instead of tomorrow Of yesterday's moments I’ll borrow My heart and my soul are on loan I’ll pay it all back when I’m old and I’m grown With a groan and moan Fading like the west coast cloud cover Starry eyed skies And I never thought I’d make it It never got better But I did

@env0writes C.Buck   Ko-Fi & Venmo: @Zenv0 Support Your Local Artists!

[auroraswife]

"...too late."

[mischiefy]

i am going to... como se dice... go ballistic

[somekindofsentience]

tomorrow won't come for those without, or exploring disconnection in the procession of mental illness and trauma

SPOILER? WARNING: This analysis assumes you have played the game's noise ending at least once. I'll provide screengrabs of things where I can. I do believe it's a masterpiece of a game, and would highly recommend it.

CONTENT WARNING: Discussions and allusions to suicide, severe mental illness, grief and religious trauma/criticisms of religion.

Tomorrow won't come for those without (TWC for short) is really... confusing. To the extent where I've got a notebook with pasted cut-outs of dialogue and imagery simply to try and... understand it.

As with much of the things I write about, I don't think it's designed to be understood - etherane's work often revolves around very personal and complex depictions of mental illness, as is evident from the hello charlotte series, so this is to be expected.

I want to discuss Rem, celestials and the Dithyrambs in this, saving conversations of Mari and the Choir for when I better understand it.

Rem is not human, he's a celestial - this is revealed in the noise ending, where he melts into his true form. We can also determine what type of celestial Rem is, from the way his form manifests.

Domain: Shadow; The Eldest. Distorts continuity, converting affected areas into liminal spaces.

Now, at first, I spent much of my time trying to associate these cards (and as such, the Celestials) to specific mental illnesses, but I realised it didn't work. While 'Domain: Post-Truth' (Card Type 3) could be associated with PTSD and 'Domain: Thighs' (Card Type 12) could be associated with body dysmorphia, many cards do not fit a specific mental illness, and much of them instead reference dissociation or other specific symptoms. It's somewhat implied Mari had the celestial present in Card Type 12.

It makes sense for a different universe to identify mental illness in a different way, considering there's little evidence that the characters have information on "pre-humanity". Instead of our current system surrounding mental health, the Choir demonises Celestials, and attempts to 'purify' them.

One particular line during the noise ending stands out to me.

"Tell me, how do I stop the noise in my head?"

Ori is not, by any means, a stable character. That's not to say Rem is stable, but Ori is somewhat less rational, losing his mind over the Choir and his Rosary. He devotedly follows the Conductor up until the noise ending, where he loses his grip on purity and reality, wanting to stay in the 'Dark' and '...play in the forest', rejecting the suppression of creativity by the Conductor.

The Dithyrambs is the noise in Ori's head - somewhat implied to be caused by the celestial. When Ori first wakes up, the Rosary insists that he must "...find the source of the Dithyrambs," perhaps implying that the Rosary is corrupt in the same way Ori and the Choir are, although it does not state to destroy the source. This noise causes Ori a lot of pain.

Alright. That is my discussion of the actual evidence present in the game. The next section is going to be a lot of personal speculation, on what I feel the game is representing.

I compare the relationship between Ori and Rem to that of Charles and Scarlett in Hello Charlotte 3, although it is framed differently. Instead of Rem being portrayed as horrific and irrational, Rem is scared, small; humanised, distrustful.

I believe that Scarlett Eyler and Rem represent fundamentally the same thing - intrusive thoughts, anxiety and OCD. Unlike Scarlett, who is fixated on tormenting Charles, Rem's representation of this manifests toward himself, and his desire to be caged for safety.

Fundamentally, OCD is a disorder surrounding fear. As much as it feels like your brain just, absolutely fucking hates you, it's as scared as you are. In a similar way, Rem is terrified of the liminal hotel that he and Ori reside in, and he's terrified of the outside world. He responds by shutting himself away - rather than Ori's desire to reach the end of the veils, Rem begins the game locked in a bathroom, and must be coaxed out.

Rem is incredibly "human" for a nonhuman being. Humanisation of intrusive thoughts is an interesting concept, especially considering the demon Scarlett Eyler was in HC3. Rem is far more disconnected from Ori, far more skeptical of the world around them. Rem isn't there to punish, but more to question and doubt, contrasting with Ori's inherently trusting nature.

Hmm. I feel like I haven't properly explained it, but I hope it somewhat makes sense.

Despite that, this is just my own interpretation of it, and I don't feel it really aligns with the game, necessarily. It's just me. lol.

song i listened to while writing:

I enjoy playing TWC with the BGM turned down and this song playing. It makes me feel pure, like my regrets can be washed off. I suppose that's not the point of TWC LMAOO.

[kariachi]

Okay, so everybody who knows anything about my love for Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles knows that the twins own my soul. I offered it up as tithe to the church of Yuui and Fai. And this has been great on the Yuui front! The Yuui front eats well, the supply lines are unharried, everyone is sad but everything is great.

The Fai front's rations consist of three bread crusts and a boiled shoelace.

There is, understandably, very little in canon for our boy. We know that he was the one in the tower, that he was more 'curl into myself and die' traumatized as opposed to the 'burning brightly like the end of the world' traumatized of his brother though we can't be sure how much of that was the difference in the trauma they were experiencing and how much was a difference between them, that he was suicidal ideation before Dickcheese even showed up, that he just straight up ordered Dickcheese to his face to save his brother (seriously, go look at those pages, I love them, in fact I have a whole post), and that he loved his brother more than anything.

Which seems like a lot when written down all together but it really really isn't.

But! There's hope! There is more Fai content in the form of Shiritsu Horitsuba Gakuen, which all TRC fans likely know about by now but for everyone else is essentially a school au series of shorts featuring a range of Clamp characters, including Fai and Yuui among the teaching staff. It's not a lot, but even like three more panels of OG!Fai opens the door for doubling what we know about him.

There is a problem- namely that I've heard conflicting information about who is who. I've heard a lot of people talk about how the names are switched to avoid confusion from fans- since Yuui goes by Fai for the whole of TRC- but I've also heard claims that this isn't the case at all. So, part of this my first read-through of Horitsuba will be figuring out which I believe is the case, based on what we already know of both characters from canon. To this end, I'll be keeping track of traits of each one as I read the shorts and whatever script translations I can find, and then working shit out after.

So let's get ourselves into this.

~~

"Yuui"

Home Ec Teacher

More chill

Ver nice, good teacher

Polite

Brother picked his clothes for a special occassion, was chill about it

Comforting Kurogane over his brother's shenanigans in one panel

Seriously man can fucking back

Plays piano

New to the area

Managed a restaurant in Italy

Happy for his brother's happiness

Wears glasses

Cooking for three because Kurogane lives next door and, well, *gestures down to "Fai" section*

If nothign else pulled pranks as a small with his brother

Can imitate his twin's voice?

Played archery

Not much of a voice actor

Seems rather modest and maybe a bit shy maybe?

"Fai"

Chemistry teacher

Nicknames for Kurogane

Just the general fucking with Kurogane we get from early!Yuui!Fai

Bright and smiley

Energetic

Playing up his emotions

Playful troublemaker

Crossdressing

Definitely leaning more towards the 'ship with Kurogane' end of things

Works with Kurogane on department budget shit in one episode of the drama

Can sew

Number one most precious thing is his brother, awww

Can imitate his twin's voice

Voice-acting-capable

Acted in school

Refused to be a club because too much time from his brother

~~

Okay, so what have we got here? Two very different characters, I'll give that.

"Yuui" seems to lean more towards late!Yuui!Fai in personality, but doesn't seem to be as playful, teasing, or bombastic. Especially that last bit.

"Fai" meanwhile very clearly leans more towards early!Yuui!Fai in personality. He's very playful, teasing, bombastic, and really trying to wear his way into Kurogane's heart. He lacks in a touch of the seriousness of him though.

In fact, when we look at the sequel to the manga- Tsubasa World Chronicle, one is seems quite reserved in comparison to the Yuui!Fai we get, while the other is far too bombastic. TWC Yuui!Fai is calmer and more obviously serious than he presented himself early on, but still very clearly teasing and playful, just less bombastic about it.

And that's an important point to make, because one argument I've seen for "Fai" being OG!Fai is that Yuui!Fai was mimicking his brother when he was acting all bombastic and smiley at the start, and I don't think that's the case for a few reasons.

As I just said, Yuui!Fai is a teasing, playful person, just not to nearly the degree as he initially presented himself

We see where his stepford-smiler stuff begins in the manga, where he begins to smile not because he feels it but to make other people happy and repay Ashura- the persona we first see is an exaggeration of himself with a thick layer of smiles acting as a mask between him and these people he's supposed to betray but cares too much about too quickly (because Yuui!Fai is a fucking gift who cares so deeply all the time)

While there's not exactly a lot of opening for it, we don't see any reason in the canon to believe that OG!Fai would have been the cheery bubbly sort if life hadn't had his balls in a vice

Not to say that this isn't the case, but that I just don't think it's likely. Gods know I'm not Clamp, I could be wrong.

Continuing- "Yuui" has some Yuui!Fai traits, like his piano playing, his cooking, his archery. "Fai" acts (and what was Yuui!Fai's life for so long but playing a role), uses nicknames, and crossdresses.

But what I think is something really important to look at is the relations with Kurogane. Because this is Clamp, whatever they're writing, it's also a romance, and they're big on fuckers finding each other throughout space and time. Like who even knows how many versions of Sakura and Syaoran there are getting together anymore.

"Yuui" doesn't get much there. He pats Kurogane on the shoulder in for support while his brother is being A Lot. Kurogane helps him move a big cake. The trio all have dinner together every night. That's it. That's what he gets. "Fai", meanwhile, get so fucking much interaction, so much of the same brand of banter and dynamic the pair have in canon- leaning more towards early canon rather than the sequel, yes, but the dynamic is still there in the sequel, just at a chiller level.

So I can see why people would look at that and think "Yuui" is the real OG!Fai. I can also see how people would look at things like cooking and piano and not being to bombastic and think that "Fai" the real OG!Fai. Both sides are understandable. Personally I think...

It's neither.

"Yuui" is close but he's not quite Yuui!Fai- he doesn't seem to have that same teasing, playful nature that still is his nature even when the mask comes off and the world isn't weighing on him. "Fai" is also not Yuui!Fai, he's more like the mask become truth, an exaggeration of the character. Neither of them is the man we all know and love.

So, I present a third option to the board- Clamp didn't have anything more for OG!Fai than what they gave us in canon, which isn't a lot to work off of. To build a character off that, you'd essentially be building someone entirely new for what seems like it was supposed to be all familiar characters just in a different setting. So, instead, they split Yuui!Fai in two.

They took the bombastic teasing and playfulness that would be most familiar to casual fans, the relationship that's straight up canon, and put it under "Fai"- the name Yuui!Fai goes by for the entire series and that would be most familiar.

They then took the calmer, more mature aspects, alongside the hobbies, and put them under "Yuui"- a name that's only really used in one world and late into the series, combining the parts of Yuui!Fai that would be less likely for casual fans to remember clearly into a character who's still familiar enough to work with.

So, what would this mean for OG!Fai? Well for one thing, it'd mean we still only have a few panels to go off of for him, which is a damn shame. Especially since they take place in a time of his life when so much of what we see is colored with trauma.

But, we can always take traits from what we see here and add them to the character- they could be shared, or things that OG!Fai was interested in in those early years that Yuui!Fai took up in his name. Or just because. Or we can futz with shit on our own, work with what we have and, well, make it work.

And at the end of the day, we still have what's canon. That OG!Fai loved his brother more than anything. That he was broken or loyal enough to turn down Fei-Wang's offer of salvation thrice. That even as a small, broken child he still was determined and strong enough to stare Fei-Wang- the big bad of the series- in the face and give him an order.

And damnit if that's not enough to love him by.

[ponderingcomplications]

Yesterday I thought about killing myself seventeen times and this is a big number but in the scope of things it is rather small and I am still here so I did not answer my demon’s call, but oh how sweet it sounds to hear that it is okay to end things now when the whole world is crashing down.

[thecryptidenthusiast]

WIP Wednesday!

Thank you for the tags @elmshore and @forestcreatures!! I appreciate it!! I don’t really have anything exciting to share, but here’s some of the fallout from that ‘Murphy Fic’ ive been messing around with.

Tagging whoever sees this!

Nate won’t look at her.

He’s still sitting in the chair beside her bed, head hung, shoulders bunched around his ears. He hasn’t looked up from the floor since she woke up.

The silence in the room -interrupted only by the rhythmic beeping of her heart monitor- is stifling. She won’t look at him either, but she doesn’t need to see him to know he’s angry. It practically rolls off of him in waves, quietly brewing to a breaking point but no less intense.

Would it be better if he yelled? Stormed out? Anything, anything has to be better than the bitter silent treatment he’s giving her.

It’s funny, really. All these years they’ve been together, and she’s only seen him lose his temper a handful of times. It’s always buried so deep, tucked away behind carefully managed composure and smiles. He always wants to talk and keep a level head.

All this time, and she’s never been on the receiving end of his anger.

It hurts. But she expected this. This was her choice - a bed she made, now she has to lie in it.

And she doesn’t regret it.

(Maybe, maybe that’s a lie - she regrets hurting him. Going behind his back. Lying, betraying his trust. The trust of the team.

If she could’ve done this without collateral damage, she would have. But that wasn’t an option)

“I wish,” He whispers, voice cracked and broken. She looks at the ceiling so she doesn’t have to see him crumble before her. “I wish you’d care about yourself -your own well-being- as much as I do.”

Why do I have to care enough for the both of us, she’s sure he wants to say. Why can’t you be easier to handle? Why can’t you stay safe?

[poemsnotpromises]

It wont be okay in the end.

Before you and me,

there was Sylvia and

Ted- him off on

some new affair

as she lined her

children's doors

with folded towels

while the stove

preheated.

---

You and I

should be so

lucky, I think,

as I struggle to

find an ounce of

truth in anything

you say to me

when questioned

about your

various dalliances.

---

Outside,

the plague rages on.

Inside,

I try my best

not to taste her

tears with every

word I write.

---

She was right and

I think I must've

made you up

inside my head.

---

I'd much rather

have stayed

silent.

[lost-ends-found]

You are solving peace to find

The jigsaw pieces of your mind

Taking hopes from this to that

Pulling rabbits from a hat

Holding down the only fort

As ships are sailing from your port

Life's a mess of boiling tears

But so are those of most your peers

Don't believe that failure wins

Relative to all those sins

That make you cringe upon this day

To take your hopes and dreams away

Push on through these dark delays

Calm the madness in your ways

And if you ever need to talk

Find the ones who crawl to walk

Those who've been to where you are

They who win in their own war

.

[devinetheory-2]

My only fears seem to be for others lately.

I fear I will lose you...

...to yourself.

- Devine Theory

[env0writes]

A Gust of Wind Vol.3, 8.13.23 “Not Your Statistic"

Tremble heart tuning fork in the road Strike a chord, or a stance If one more person asks me how I am, I’ll explode Just this once, let me have this dance Does it ever get easier Mr. Wilmington? Pushing small town populations to new citations I am one of many brothers to your son Not going to slip on our blood reaching for these expectations Screwing with palmistry, palm-piloted to towers My skyline always scared with storm clouds Scraping by, scratching notes, cutting powers Lights out! Black out, pack out of self-help crowds More self-inflicted scars than self-driving cars How we haven’t long since turned into a rat-king? Looking for a way out of town and reach the stars Splicing my heart, my head, healing by spring After all these years, Mr. Wilmington Not one care spared for your son Tears still pouring when he took his gun The tides of fun have come undone Too many hands are still shaking For the red-rising sun pledge Healed over scar tissue, new Sunday issue How many are buried beneath unmarked hedge? Mr. Wilmington, forgive me father for what I have to say The world’s grown small, too hard to hide Cleaning off, Thanksgiving cutlery, guilt-ridden USA Too many eyes, turned blind, too late go wide What grand respect given in retrospect Judged and jilted and justified Blame passed on, save introspect Buried truth, lives in apologies, unsung eulogies– All the papers and press that lied All left hanging upon our lips, prayers and please

@env0writes C.Buck Ko-Fi & Venmo: @Zenv0 Support Your Local Artist! Photo by @mynamemeanscloud​

[theprocast]

Unless you’ve personally been there, I imagine it’s something that’s difficult to stretch you mind around. It’s a position you can’t picture yourself being in and believe me if you could - you wouldn’t want to. But some people live there… in that darkness… on that knife edge (if you can call that living). But has it ever occurred to you that the reason you can’t imagine suicide ever being a viable option… the reason you can’t wrap your mind around the idea of a person wanting to choose a solution as devastatingly final as ending their life is because you’ve never really considered the kind of hell someone has to go through to arrive at that conclusion? The way you see the world – with its intoxicating highs and terrible lows and its mediocre boring ‘most of the time’ – is not how everybody experiences it. Some people have only lows. You experience life as an ever spinning ferrous wheel of emotions, but some people are hopelessly stuck at the bottom far lower than you will ever go. You think it’s a selfish option because you see a loving family, friends and lovers who will miss you if you left. You see lists of things that make life worth living but some people see a list of things they feel they’ll never be able to escape. You do not know how heavy a person’s burden is unless you’ve walked in those shoes, you do not know how dark the world looks to some people because you cannot see it with their eyes and that is why you cannot imagine a future so terrifyingly bleak and painful that you would do just about anything to get away from it; a pain so soul destroying you’d do anything not to feel it any more. You cannot know it, cannot imagine it unless you’ve been there… so don’t judge. It’s just that simple. You’re not required to fix it, you’re not even required to be supportive if you don’t want to… just be kind to people and don’t judge. If you lack the emotional depth to empathise with someone else’s pain, then at least keep your mouth closed and stop contributing to it.

Ranata Suzuki | For anyone who says suicide is a cowards way out 

[luniapoetry]

“When I go, stay away from my grave. Don't stand there and tell me how you’re sorry, I don’t want your apologies, and don’t you dare stand there and cry about how much you loved me because that is all I would have needed to stay.”

—it’s too little, too late

[mischiefy]

i am going to... como se dice... go ballistic

[ivderail]

Oh. Hes ur bf now. Wow congrats. Well i still have moo. I tell her if she dies before me id stop drinking water and eating cuz just 3 days without water will kill u. I found a good spot i wanna die in when we went biking in the forest that we got lost in. Its by a quiet little stream and a good place to die if u dont mind the weeping sound the bamboo plants make. I dont wanna leave a mess in the house cuz for years after theyd know it as the room where they found that weirdo dead and the people whod move in will always feel funny in there thatd take much away from their enjoyment of their life there.