#tw: vague references to depression

[sapphire-heart-tippy]

Pixies, I'm going through it

And by it

Let's jusr say

My existants 😏😉

[naviculariis]

tw: Kanon being a sap, talks of Past Attempts, depression, but also being okay in the end. I

Push On Through will more than likely be the next tattoo I get.

Oldies Station had already become a favorite before the concert, but hearing it live + coupled with some rl things that have happened this year alone-

I have never cried so hard at a concert before.

Because yeah. I didn't expect to see 21. I had plans when I was 19. I almost went through with them. & this is why this band means so much to me. They helped me in my darkest hour ( car radio + oh, miss believer + truce ).

I may incorporate Stay Alive somehow, too.

And now I'm freshly 28, with a whole life ahead of me and God it is so fucking terrifying and so, so very hard sometimes but.

I gotta Push On Through. Because one day, I may be at my kid's first dance recital. Or walking down the aisle to my partner. Or having my first book be sold in stores. Even with tragedies, even with my own troubles, I need to Push On Through. Even on the darkest days.

[whisperedmeg]

ELEPHANT BONES ⋆˚꩜｡ spencer reid x situationship!reader

summary: spencer loved someone once. and the bones of that love still live here — in the way he holds you, in the things he never says. this is what happens when you try to love someone haunted by the ghost of an elephant in the room.

genre: angst | w/c: 2.2k

tags/warnings: mentions of maeve, references to sex/a sexual relationship but nothing explicit, situationship/fwb, written with an afab reader in mind but I don’t think there’s actually any gendered language, depressed spencer, unhappy but open/ambiguous ending, tw for situationship forehead kisses (the evilest thing ever)

a/n: I know I know, there are approximately one zillion angst fics out there about post-maeve depressed spencer. do we really need another? nope. but I’ve never truly written angst without leaning hurt/comfort so I figured a tried & true theme would be a good place to start. plus I’m currently rewatching s8 and it inspired me, soooorrry! p.s. — my requests are open 🫡

It was always quiet between you and Spencer at the start of your nights together. That was part of the draw of this dynamic — something about the hush of his apartment at night, the way he brewed tea like it was a ritual, the comfort of knowing he’d sit close but not too close. You’d come to expect the silence, to find a kind of warmth in it. But lately, the quiet had started to ache.

This night was like any other with him on the surface. Unassuming. Minimal conversation, soft music humming in the background, a cup of tea shared on the couch. Eventually, inevitably, things would shift. A glance would last too long, your legs would brush, and he’d kiss you like it was the first time. Then you’d end up in his bed, skin against skin, tangled in sheets.

But it was never just sex. Not really.

The moment you looked up from the pages of your book, you felt it — that same ache that had begun to settle into the spaces between you and Spencer. It had always been there, quietly simmering beneath the surface.

He swore that this couldn’t become anything real. That he didn’t have room in his life for more. And yet in the dark, when he thought you were asleep, he would trace slow, absentminded patterns on your back. He’d press a kiss to your forehead with aching reverence. He’d run his fingers through your hair and twist it into messy braids. He’d hold you like he didn’t want morning to come.

In those moments, his actions let it slip — how much he felt, how much he feared. You just didn’t know what scared him more: loving you, or losing you.

You’d met him nearly six months ago at a small café near your apartment. He’d helped you pick up scattered papers when you’d accidentally knocked them off the table in a caffeine-deprived haze. It had started innocently enough — a shared laugh, a tentative friendship. But within a few weeks, that friendship blurred into late-night calls, lingering touches, and a relationship that was carefully unlabeled.

Spencer had made it clear from the beginning that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, setting boundaries that had seemed reasonable at first, even though you’d felt something deeper brewing from the very start. You’d told yourself it was enough, that you could handle being close to him without truly having him.

But every time his eyes softened when he looked at you, every time his fingers brushed your arm with tenderness, your heart betrayed you, yearning for things he’d never promised.

Spencer was across the room now, standing near his bookshelf. His fingers traced the spine of an old, familiar volume — The Narrative of John Smith.

The copy with Maeve’s inscription inside.

He’d mentioned her once, in vague terms, during a late-night conversation that had turned unexpectedly quiet. You’d pieced the rest together on your own — through the way he hesitated around certain topics, the book on his shelf, the sorrow that clung to him when he thought no one was watching, the obituary you found online. Maeve was the elephant in the room — a quiet ghost he never spoke about, yet whose haunting presence seemed to shape everything he did.

You cleared your throat, the soft sound carrying across his living room. Spencer turned, startled, hand dropping from the shelf as though caught doing something forbidden.

“Hey,” he said softly, forcing a quick smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Did you want some more tea?”

He’d already made your favorite — earl grey with a splash of vanilla. He always remembered exactly how you liked it, and each cup felt like proof that he cared, even if he’d never let himself admit it.

“I’m okay,” you said, setting your book aside. Spencer’s gaze followed your movements carefully, almost cautiously. You felt the distance between you more keenly than ever.

He crossed the room, sitting beside you, careful not to touch. But then he sighed softly, leaning in just enough for his shoulder to brush yours. Fleeting warmth. You remembered a night weeks ago, laughing softly as you lay tangled in sheets, how he’d pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead, his fingertips tracing idle patterns on your back as if mapping something precious. It had felt like more. So much more.

But there was one moment that never left you.

A month ago, you’d had a nightmare — vivid and shaking and breathless. You hadn’t meant to wake him, but the panic clawing at your chest had been too much to hide. Spencer had, without a word, pulled you into his arms. He’d cradled you like you were breakable, like you mattered, whispering things into your hair you pretended not to hear.

“You’re okay.”

“I’ve got you.”

“I’m here, baby.”

And then, softer:

“I can’t lose you too.”

You never asked him about it afterward, and he never brought it up. But you’d replayed those words every night since. Because for one fleeting moment, the fear and love in his voice wrapped around you like truth. Like maybe, deep down, he knew he wanted more.

You turned to him slightly, your knee brushing his. He looked at you then — really looked. There was something behind his eyes that made your breath catch: reverence, affection, maybe even longing. And then, he leaned in and kissed you.

It wasn’t hungry or rushed. It was soft. Thoughtful. The kind of kiss that asked nothing and gave everything. For a moment, you let yourself believe it meant something more. You felt your chest tighten as he pulled back, his gaze still on you.

But he didn’t look away. Even after the kiss ended, he kept watching you like he didn’t want the moment to leave. Like he couldn’t bear it if it did. His eyes flicked from your mouth to your eyes and back again, searching, waiting, almost afraid to speak. And for the briefest second, you could see it — everything he wasn’t saying. The ache. The need. The apology. The want.

You felt your pulse spike with something dangerous — hope.

He started to lean back in, and that’s when you asked.

“Spencer,” you said quietly, voice tight with a hesitation you’d held back for months. “What are we doing?”

He blinked, then gave a small, deflective smile. “I mean… we’re on the couch, drinking tea, kissing… hopefully about to have sex?”

You didn’t laugh. You didn’t even blink. You just looked at him, your gaze steady.

“No,” you said. “You know what I mean. What are we doing?”

His smile faded. His eyes lifted sharply to meet yours. There was a brief flicker of something raw that vanished almost instantly. He withdrew his hand, turning slightly away.

“You know what this is,” he said carefully, voice steady and calm. Too calm. “We agreed from the beginning—”

You cut him off, your heart hammering. “Yeah. We did. Trust me, I remember. No expectations. No feelings. Just… sex and comfort.”

He stayed silent, and you could see the tension creeping into his shoulders.

“But it stopped being just that months ago,” you said, your voice cracking. “Don’t pretend I’m the only one who felt that shift.”

He shook his head, quietly. “It hasn’t changed for me.”

You stared at him. “Bullshit. Then why did you start holding me after? Why do you kiss my forehead and call me baby? Why do you look at me like you—”

You stopped yourself, but the words were already there, hanging in the air between you.

“You don’t get to look at me like that and pretend this doesn’t matter,” you finished softly, the pain making your voice tremble. “You hold me like I’m precious and kiss me like you mean it and then act like I imagined the whole thing.”

His jaw tightened, the muscle jumping. “It’s complicated.”

“Why?” you pressed. “Because it feels pretty fucking simple to me.”

He closed his eyes briefly, drawing a measured breath. You saw it then — the weight he carried, the fear he never admitted.

“Is this about her?” you asked, voice barely above a whisper.

Spencer froze, eyes opening to stare blankly at the floor. The silence stretched painfully, each second deepening your ache.

You thought back to the time when the lines first started to blur when he’d brought you out onto his balcony late at night, sharing constellations through a telescope. You remembered how his fingers had wrapped around yours as he pointed out each star, his voice low and reverent, and how he’d paused, just once, to say your name like it was a lifeline. It had taken everything in you not to tell him you loved him then.

“Spencer,” you said again, gently but firmly. “Is this about Maeve?”

His shoulders slumped, and when he finally spoke, it was almost inaudible. “It’s always been about her.”

It wasn’t anger in his voice, or bitterness — just unbearable sadness. A sadness that had built walls around him, brick by brick, until even you couldn’t break through.

You swallowed hard, fighting the tears that suddenly blurred your vision. “I’m sorry you lost her. I really, really am. But Spencer, you think you’re protecting me by keeping me at a distance, when really, all it’s doing is hurting me more.”

He didn’t look at you. His voice was quiet, shaking slightly.

“Everyone I care about gets hurt. Or leaves. I can’t—” He broke off, shaking his head.

You waited, your chest tight, watching the way he folded into himself like he was trying to disappear.

“Spencer,” you murmured, reaching out to cup his cheek gently, turning him toward you. His eyes were glassy, haunted. “I’m right here. I’m not leaving.”

“You say that now,” he whispered. “But something always happens. It’s not safe. Loving me — it’s never safe.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” you said. “And pushing me away doesn’t make either of us hurt any less.”

He looked at you then, deep and lingering. There was a look of desperation in his eyes, like he was trying to memorize you in case this was the last time. His voice was hoarse when he spoke.

“Every time I get close to something good, I lose it. Or it breaks. Or it gets taken from me. And I don’t know how to stop believing that it’s me. That I’m the reason.”

You blinked against the sting in your eyes. “You’re not.”

“I don’t know how to be sure of that,” he said. “Not anymore.”

You opened your mouth to respond, but he was already moving. Gently. Deliberately. Putting space between you like he always did.

You remembered other nights, quiet moments after intimacy, when he’d stared at you just like this — like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how. Now he rose from the couch, gaze lingering on you once more.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

You rose too, heart heavy but no longer quiet.

“Why do you even keep doing this?” you asked, voice sharper now, raw with frustration. “Why do you keep calling me and wanting me here if you don’t actually want me?”

He flinched, just slightly. “Wanting you isn’t the problem.”

“You don’t get to keep me this close just to push me away whenever it scares you,” you said. “That’s not protecting me, Spencer. That’s control.”

His expression hardened. “Control? You think that’s what this is?”

“I think you don’t know what to do with something good when it’s handed to you,” you said, breath shaking. “You wrap it in fear masquerading as bubble wrap and then act like you’re doing everyone a favor by holding it at arm’s length. And you’re keeping me in your back pocket, expecting me to come over and hold you and fuck you anytime you call, all while refusing to actually let this be what it really is.”

Spencer stood frozen, breathing hard. His jaw clenched like he was swallowing everything he really wanted to say.

“You don’t understand what it’s like,” he said finally.

“You’re right,” you replied, quieter now. “I don’t. Because you won’t let me.”

The silence that followed wasn’t cold. It was worse — it was hollow, bottomless, the kind of silence you didn’t come back from.

You grabbed your coat and your keys, your heart splintering a little more with every step. He didn’t move. Didn’t try to stop you.

At the door, you paused.

“Goodbye, Spencer.”

He opened his mouth like he might beg you to stay, but the words never came.

So you left.

As you stepped out into the hallway, the weight of it all caught up to you. You walked slowly, like your body already missed the feel of his, tears rolling down your cheeks. Your chest ached with the echo of things he wouldn’t say. You thought about the way he kissed your forehead, the way his hands memorized your skin like a map. You had wanted so badly to believe those touches meant something. But even if they did, none of it mattered if he couldn’t say it out loud.

Behind you, the door clicked shut.

—

The next three nights found you curled on your own couch, wrapped in a blanket, trying — and failing — to read. Your thoughts kept drifting back to Spencer, to the sadness in his voice, to the quiet way he’d looked at you like he wished things could be different.

Your phone buzzed beside you on the cushion, jolting you from your thoughts. Your heart leapt into your throat as you stared at the unopened message hovering there, bright and hopeful and terrifying all at once. Your thumb hovered over the screen, uncertain.

You took a deep breath.

And then you made a choice.

ᝰ.ᐟ

masterlist

PSA: likes do very little for promoting posts on tumblr! if you'd like to support a fic, please reblog!

[bigger-bluer-moon]

First time in a LONG while I've had the motivation to do a comic on my own time, so I went and illustrated one of my fav scenes from @within-your-eyes-if

NOTE: spoilers for the demo (one of the last scenes), specifically Gabriel's romance route, also TW for vague references to depression and self-harm

[mad-hatter-memes]

BDylanHollis Starters

A collection of dialogue prompts from the videos of BDylanHollis. Feel free to edit quotes if needed.

TW: Suggestive references and drug references,

"This recipe is making me cry, not the onions..."

"Are we sure this recipe wasn't written by a cat?"

"Buy me dinner first."

"It's ten PM and I'm boiling prunes in my kitchen..."

"You know, it's not bad...It just vaguely tastes like a felony."

"Tastes like a boot! Like a size ten boot!"

"I didn't know tuberculosis had a color scheme."

"I think I summoned something..."

"Are you still here?...Dammit!"

"You could just use canned pineapple...if you're a communist."

"It doesn't tell you how to eat it...So I don't know if I need a knife and fork or if I need to tie my hair back."

"Do I call the police or a priest?"

"Can we at least have coffee first?"

"I bet this recipe is just all the wrong answers on a baking test."

"Well I don't have sorghum, cause I don't have a life expectancy of twelve!"

"Sweetie, none of this is my liking."

"Are you just making things up? Who are you?!"

"You know I've never been particularly religious, but today might be the day..."

"This ain't food, honey. This is a bioweapon!"

"I am in utter fear..."

"Hello, you are very green sir."

"Did you just kill my blender?"

"This is personal now, you swung first!"

"Welcome to the world; it's awful!"

"Were you really worried that I was gonna mix a fully constructed pie shell into this?!"

"I'm a fool, not a idiot!"

"Thought this was a joke, turns out I'M the joke...'

"Or what? I'm gonna ruin your disaster?"

"This is from 1938, it's only electrocuted me twice!"

"If I cut off my feet do we still have to do this?"

"Celery's just like your parents; dirtier than you think!"

"What have you perfected?! Garbage?!"

"Now in my personal experience, depression and ice cream are a match made in heaven."

"If there's one thing I've learned, it's that Jell-O is inevitable!"

"Sweetie, this needs a lot of things but water isn't one of them..."

"It doesn't need salt, it needs help!"

"Normally I'm quite comfortable handling meat, but this is physically disturbing me..."

"This is giving me emotions previously unknown to man..."

"Are you supposed to eat this on crackers or on drugs?"

"What are you trying to do, live longer?"

"What do you take me for? Grown?"

"He looks like if you get a tattoo, you'll be written out of the will."

"Precisely what realm of mathematics do you inhabit?"

"Did you just throw a grenade down aisle 6?!"

"I'm not concerned about your precious Grind-o-Mat!"

"The only thing this is going to rise up from is the dead."

"You know they invented a tool for that, it's called a whisk."

"Bacon is always a good idea!"

"What exactly are we trying to raise up, hope?"

"What is it with dead people and their obsession with this?!"

"Yes I know it's hot you git, it's an oven!"

"No I have never had these, you must remember I'm not an American."

"I am a [Nationality] and we grew up with things like party rings and custard creams."

"Is the pudding related or did you just want a snack?"

"Were you subject to a fall from a great height?"

"I'm serious, don't disrespect the Irish. They can be mean..."

"Don't worry, my hands are the only touch I know."

"This is sacrilegious! Preposterous! Daft!"

"Yeah it's alright, but it's all wrong!"

"I'm not sure if you know, but beef is a COW. You know, the mooing?!"

"Smells like a Palm Springs retirement home..."

"It could be because I like illicit substances, or like psychiatric disturbances, being held at gunpoint, these types of things..."

"Ow! Ow! It's got ranged attacks!"

"What you've never put cereal in a blender before?"

"I don't like boxes, people get buried in them..."

"If it looks like oil, it must be good!"

"Thank you, I'd hate to have an uneven disaster. That would be terrible..."

"It's hot! I'm sunburnt! There's bugs!"

"I'm feeling like a rotisserie chicken out here!"

"Are you supposed to eat this for Christmas or for punishment?"

"It's so good, it's in danger of becoming my dinner!"

"Who's fingers they are we'll never know...They might even be Charlotte's!"

"Where do bugs go in the winter? And why are birds?"

"But [Name}, what if I'm allergic to peanuts?"

"You and your ancestors have obviously done something to deserve such a malady."

"It looks like I microwaved a squirrel...again."

"What part of Italy are you from? Kentucky?!"

[multiwreckedmess]

Kinktober Day 13

Prompt: Body Worship Pairing: Boyfriend!San x reader WC: 1.6k Summary: The change of seasons has always been difficult for you and today is no different. Some days you just need some help.

This is a work of fiction, it does not represent San or any Ateez member. Although this isn’t necessarily an 18+ work, for my comfort and boundaries please if you are under the age of 18 do not interact with this. 

I’m going to put the TW/CW above the cut this time as TBH, it’s not really smut.

TW/CW: depression, self-hatred, vague self-harm references, leg shaving, San bathes reader. 

 Everything hurt. That’s all you knew as you laid in bed. A deep ache that resonated in your bones consumed your being. Nothing helped, rolling to your side, laying on your back, leg up and on your stomach, just pain.  “It’s because you rolled around in bed all day,” San chides from the doorway as you groan. “You need to get up and stretch, just to rebalance your body. It’s not even about working out. If your blood pools in one spot you’ll feel off.”  “I think I’m sick,” you sniff. Your sinuses are on fire, swollen and pulsing in your skull.  San sighs. The sort of illness plaguing you was not the type remedied by chicken noodle soup or ibuprofen. It was one that needed time and care and understanding. One that would flare up unexpectedly, inappropriately, uninvited.  Flinging back the covers you shriek as cold air hits you like a truck, grappling for the covers. Two strong warm arms scoop you up into the air as San carries you bridal style to the bathroom. “I think a bath will help,” he says, sitting you on the closed lid of the toilet.

 The running water in the empty tub is loud, thundering as it hits the basin. The loudness numbs your ears for a bit. You barely notice as San busies himself as you list to the side, leaning on the side of the sink. Everything still hurts. Your jaw hurts as you adjust it, seeing if you can relieve the pain circling your ears and throat.  Squatting to eye level smiles at you, trying to hide the flicker of concern in his eye. “Hey hon, i gotta take your shirt off.”  “Start with pants please!” You stick your legs straight out in front of you and wobble your feet. San obliges, taking care to wait for your toes to point so the fabric slips right off. Not that it’s particularly difficult, seeing as they’re a pair of ratty sweats.  The bath is half full as he scoops your shirt over your head, leaving you in just a pair of underwear. You shiver and stare at the steaming tub, arms crossing over your stomach and chest. He leans over to check the water temperature, back flexing under his white cotton shirt. Hugging yourself tighter you hate to compare yourself but can’t help it. A veritable god while you…well…your self evaluation faired far worse. The comparison stung each time you thought about it, each remembrance a tiny papercut on an unhealing body. Yet he was like a salve, patiently covering and waiting, unable to prevent but trying to ease what pain he could and somehow that burned you even more than the initial cut.  “I’m going to wash you,” he says slowly, waiting for your fierce objection. Instead you look up at him, mouth a straight line, and nod.  “My legs are hairy.”  He shrugs, turning to the water. “Okay.”  “I just thought you should know.”  “Do you want me to shave them?” He offers sincerely as he turns off the tap. Steam rising from the tub in soft curls, you let your eyes trace their outline as you think.  “Do you know how?”  He shrugs again, “can’t be more difficult than shaving my face.”  “Okay but they’re MY legs and YOUR hands. It’s a little different than doing it to yourself.” You can hear the tension in your own voice raising, almost to a forced laugh. The reaction feels strange and foreign even though it comes from your own body. Twisting on the lid of the toilet seat you dip your toe into the water. It’s hot, a little too hot. Your toe numbs quickly in the water, tingling as you withdraw it.  “It was just an offer, you can say no.” San helps you, sliding down your underwear, the last barrier between you and the elements.  “No, it-it sounds nice.” You stutter. Sighing as you slide yourself from your perch into the tub. The water burns but you need that. The cauterizing sear removes the sin. Or so you feel. Burn off the exoskeleton so you can feel again.  San looks concerned as you slip down into the water. “Isn’t it too hot?”  “I’ll get used to it.”

 Hugging your knees to your chest, the soft washcloth moves in slow concentric circles across and down your back. The gentleness with which San treats you hurts almost more than the sting of the cool air. Guilty isn’t the right word for the twist in your gut. The kindness just hurts sometimes.  “I love how soft your skin is when you’re fresh out of the shower.” San murmurs. “I love how the smell of soap and skin clings to you. I love how I’m the only one who gets to see these freckles on your back like this.” His list goes on as he cups handfuls of water to splash down your spine. He would bathe you all the time if you’d let him. The ritual is soothing and intimate. Every word he says a truth he rarely gets to voice without you complaining. When you are like this though, lulled into a docile state by the water, he can praise you as much as he wants.  “Feels nice,” you’re muffled by your own knees. Not like it is difficult to tell what you are saying.  San leans over the edge of your tub, kissing your shoulder softly, supporting your back as he lays you against the back of the tub. Working the washcloth down your arms and over you chest, you wince as he gets to your soft tummy.  “It’s exposure therapy, if its too much you can tell me.” San hopes you won’t tell him. The plush squish of your stomach is something he rarely can indulge in. Washcloth as a flimsy excuse his fingers glide over your buttery soft skin. He can feel your lungs hitch in anticipation so he presses harder. You’d figured that one out together, if he pressed harder you could tolerate it more. “You know how much I love soft things. I’m a connoisseur of soft things and you are the crown jewel of my findings.”  “That doesn’t help,” you mutter sourly. “What if I don’t want to be soft.”  San nods, there’s nothing to say to it. Instead he heads south, skimming past your clit, it’s not the point of today. Instead he focuses on your thighs, equally soft and plush as your stomach but more easily tolerated. You always complain how they hurt, that your hips are tense. Hips carry a lot of trauma. He half washes, half massages your thighs. Letting the soap lubricate his squeezed pulls of your muscle.  You moan, loudly. He can feel the thud of the knot in your quad as he presses past it. You moan again, slipping further into the tub So he does it again, and again, and again until you shudder and arch up, water splashing around you. “Did you just-”  “I don’t know-” you sit bolt upright, looking at each other shocked. “It felt really good.”  “Good to know.”

 You relax back again. Soft and pliant he treats you like a doll, limbs limp as he moves them. Holding your leg, the water drips on his cotton shirt, clinging semi-transparaent to his abs. Slowly he lathers your calve with shea butter infused soap, then wets the razor. Funnily enough he didn’t even care if your legs had hair or not. Really if any part of you had hair or not, he wouldn’t mind as long as it was you. But you liked the sleek touch so he was happy to oblige.  Another person shaving your legs is exceedingly strange. But it’s nice. You hate the process of hair removal but love the results. Laying back loosely, San takes more care than you ever would with your razor. He’s meticulous and methodical in his removal, particularly around your ankle bone, riddled with scars. You consider telling him that at this point your ankles are made of steel callus but the delicate way he lifts the pressure of the razor is endearing.  It’s almost more intimate than taking his cock. At least for San it is. He could so easily hurt you like you’d hurt yourself. It would be even easier for him, it wasn’t his skin that the razor’s edge was pressed against, he didn’t know the feeling, he could only watch and hope his pressure was enough but not too much. Knowing if he slipped the sting would be worse coming from a person who loved you instead of your own hands focused his wandering mind.  Giving into help wasn’t easy for you. Each time San places the razer to your ankle you have to remind yourself to relax. Using your full will to control the flex of your calves as he runs the length carefully. Even with his time and care one leg is done quickly, dipping back into the now lukewarm water as he retrieves the second leg. At least someone should love you even if you can’t.  “San?”  His face lifts, eyes sparkling, “yes dear?”  “I love you.”  Still holding your leg he leans sideways to kiss you ever so briefly. “I know you do.”

Sorry I had a hell of a couple of days and WAS NOT MONITORING and my queue broke. here’s to getting back on track. Sorry this wasn’t really smut????

[eruanee]

Kiryuu Touga and the cyclical narrative

TW : Discussions of misogyny, emotional manipulation and abuse, sexual abuse and (sexual) child abuse. (Very vague) mention of incest.

First of all, not really as a disclaimer but more as a recommendation, a lot of my thoughts about Touga are shaped by this essay, which is definitely easily one of my favorite pieces of Utena meta. I think I'm going to implicitly or more explicitly reference it sometimes, but you don't need to read it to understand this post.

I have a complex relationship with Touga. He is despicable, yet the more I watch the series, the more I find myself... fascinated by him. This post is a pretty much a synthesis of all these thoughts.

On a purely narrative level, Touga's role is a bit special. He's the antagonist of the first arc. The three duels involving him are all turning points in the series. He's a core character in the development of several other characters (Saionji, Nanami, Utena and Miki on a different level).

Yet, turns out he's only a puppet, just as everyone else is. How surprising. And when it comes down to it, what do we know about Touga ?

He's the Student Council's president. He seemingly can't have a relationship with anyone without manipulating them to his advantage. He sleeps with any girl (and maybe not only girls) who breathe around him in a 1 ft radius. His way of coping with depression is to seal himself in a wide and totally empty room to listen to his own voice on repeat to ponder heavily on his broken hopes and ideals. (Hmm. Hardcore.)

And more importantly, he wants power. A power that would be absolute. But why so ?

And this is the point where it gets complicated.

Touga is barely the main topic of episodes focused on him. He is the center of many obsessions and interests, but it seems we never touch upon him as a person. He can be seen being vaguely vulnerable in eps 11 and 12 and then there's the whole Black Rose arc thing. But where does all this mess steam from ?

Victim status

Eps 35 and 36 are the one going deeper into Touga’s character and yet... we’re barely sure of what’s actually going on in his brain. These episodes always give me a weird feeling because we don’t really get to see Touga express his feelings very clearly or freely... We barely get to hear his thoughts. 

Just like Anthy.

Don’t make me say what I didn’t say, though. Touga gets to have way more agency than ever does Anthy, and he certainly doesn't endure the same dehumanization as she does. Anthy does have agency in a way. But she expresses it in hidden, implicit ways : playing tricks, hitting people in their sore spots, sarcasm, empty eyes and fake smiles. She’s manipulative and Touga is, too. These two share many similarities, though they can’t completely blend with each other, of course. 

We don’t know much about Touga’s childhood. We know he and Nanami were adopted (or “sold”) to the Kiryuu family at a young age. That’s basically it in the canon of the series. Though, Touga’s backstory in the movie, showing him being sexually abused by his adoptive father, was apparently meant to be included in the series as well :

Although the TV series touched upon Touga’s younger days, the film goes into more details – the wound of Touga that was never directly depicted. In his younger days, Touga was a normal kid who enjoyed happy times with his friend Saionji Kyouichi and his younger sister Nanami. However, he came to know his unfortunate fate from the time he was ordered by his parents to wear his hair long. His parents sold him to the Kiryuu family. Although he was an adopted son on the surface, the instinctive Touga knew what that meant. And in order to protect his younger sister, he accepted his lot. Being sold. We did not go into depicting what Touga’s parents obtained by going as far as selling their son. We would like you to think of it as a kind of metaphor. 

And Touga accepted in silence the sexual abuse from his new parents. His personality changed while he made a magnanimous show of enjoying the abuses in order to prevent his personality from splitting. The change took place in a spot so deep in his mind, that even those closest to him did not notice. Saionji and Nanami never noticed out of their innocence. And Touga never told his secret to anyone. It is said that a human being gains whatever he lost in exchange. So what did Touga gain in exchange at that point in time? It was the sense of alienation from being abused every night and seeing his innocent friend and sister during the day. The alienated self.

(Extract of a comment Enokido, one of the writers who worked on Utena, wrote about Touga’s role in the Utena movie.)

Of course, you could argue whether or not the sexual abuse is canon or not in the series. After all, the series and the movie don’t seem to take place in the same canon (even though it is hard to completely disconnect the two). Whatever you choose to believe, I personally think it all makes so much sense. 

It makes sense regarding Touga’s general behavior in the series (but this is more touched upon in the essay I linked above) and it makes his goal and his narrative role much clearer.

Being sold like a mere object, knowing a much harsher truth about life Saionji and Nanami don’t know about, showing everyone a stronger facade in order to not completely lose your mind and keep protecting your friend and your sister from this reality and eventually... letting them know in a painfully gendered way, perpetuating everything this system has forced on you. 

It has all become part of you. 

Keeping the cycle of violence going became part of your blood and flesh. Making clear who is supposed to inflict pain and who is supposed to receive it. Who is supposed to protect and who is supposed to be protected. Who is supposed to act and who is supposed to wait. 

And you ? No, you’re never supposed to hurt anymore. You want a way out of this. For you, the easiest way is to simply reclaim the place that was always prepared for you to take. 

When Touga and Saionji found Utena in her coffin, it feels like Touga knew something Saionji didn’t. Saionji felt it too, but he wasn’t able to recognize what it was. After all, he was still a child. Touga knew about the same thing Utena learned with her parents’ death : they both had a glimpse of what the “adult world” (Akio’s world) actually looks like, shattering their juvenile knowledge of the world. 

A world where people die. A world where the weak lose. A world where the prince should protect the princess. 

Touga already had a coffin. Utena just found hers and was about to find a new one. Saionji was just finding his. 

It all makes sense regarding how obedient Touga is to Akio and why he seeks his validation, his desire to go up in the hierarchy aside. It makes sense because he is “alienated”. Touga got deprived of everything, he knows the burden of being alive and he’s learned, from his early childhood, to be compliant. 

He seems independent during the Student Council arc and a majority of the series, but eps 35 and 36 show he is not the mastermind of it all. He has a privileged position but unlike some other characters, Touga never uses his agency to try to break out of the system ─ he follows its rules and tries to reinforce his dominance. 

Why would you break out from a system serving you so well ?

“I want to become like him. I want power like his.”

Touga is alienated to the system and his only goal is to become what it expects of him. After all, why wouldn’t he ? Being a prince is the best position offered by the system. Being a prince means acquiring an absolute power. With such power, one doesn’t die and is forever out of reach and harm and pain. Who wouldn’t want such a thing ? 

The prince never saves the princess out of selflessness. He saves her because it gives him a reward in exchange. He saves her because it gives him power and control over her and ultimately, everyone else. And so, the princess becomes a "toy" wannabe princes has to win, to conquer.

Does Touga, even during what seems to be his most “sincere” moment in ep 36, ever wish to protect Utena for something else than possessing her ? When could have he learned to know and appreciate her as a person, rather than a princess ? A reward to conquer ?

When did he stop wishing he could’ve saved Utena just like Akio did ? I believe he might be genuine, yet he acts toward Utena exactly like she acts toward Anthy. He wants to save her for his own sake, regardless of her personal hopes and desires. 

It’s truly sad, though. Because all of it is nothing but a childish dream. There was never once a prince in this world. Only boring and abusive adults. 

“Are you really happy with that?”

Well, when it comes down to it, probably not. But was it ever about happiness ? Probably not either. The pursuit of power only ever leads to isolation, to a complete lack of meaning ─ after all, friendship is a fool’s thing. No one can reach what’s behind the facade. 

Saionji was able to confront Touga with his own lies and paradoxes, get as close to his real self anyone probably could. But it wasn’t enough. Saionji himself didn’t go as far as leaving the system entirely, even when it seemed he had cracked it all. Touga sort of did, too. 

As far as I’m concerned, we only heard his own, deep thoughts once.

“Kiryuu Touga, the playboy Student Council President... Is it? "Playboy" sounds old-fashioned.”

Touga weaponized himself. He weaponized his body (sex is only a tool to aim for power). He weaponized his heart (relationships only matter if you use them to your advantage. Those who believe in love and friendship are fools and will be ultimately be used to someone else’s advantage). And for what ? 

I really like the symbolism of the poppy flower in ep 35. I feel like it symbolizes Akio’s power, in a way. I’m incredibly bad when it comes to the language of flowers (so everyone is free to correct me) but please bear with me. In the East, red poppy flowers apparently symbolize romantic love and success (what it probably means for the girl confessing to Touga, as well as Akio when he “eats” it in this scene, since Touga and him are talking about Utena) but it can also symbolize “luxurious pleasures and fantastic extravagance”. In the Japanese language of flowers, red poppies can also symbolize someone “fun-loving”. I feel like both of these work with Akio and I believe that for Touga, they are a symbol of luxury and extravagance. 

Yet another girl confessed to him. Without even thinking about it, he kissed her. He will never read her confession letter, he probably didn’t even notice it. He will probably simply leave it on the floor, without a care. This pursuit of power isn’t even fulfilling to him, there’s absolutely no thought behind it. Only automatic actions, behaviors working in favor of someone else’s greater scheme. He won’t even get to actually possess Utena. 

He will never get what he truly wants. Is there even anything that he truly wants ? Saionji, maybe. In the meantime, he’s just a tool for a system. A system made up by boring adults, based on lies, illusions and unachievable dreams. 

Touga is condemned to go in cycles. He’s given everything to overcome what keeps him stuck and trapped, but it doesn’t do anything. He can only revolve around his own coffin, completing the same circle, again and again. 

He doesn’t know how to do anything else. 

It will never make anything he’s done forgivable. But at least, maybe one day, he’ll realize. Or maybe never. 

We can always create new roads, leading to worlds completely unknown to us, where everything needs to be built. Anthy and Utena are here to show the way, who deserves to follow these new roads is only up to you. 

On a purely personal standpoint... I was never really able to answer this question. 

“No. It's not over until we see it through the very end.”

[cybernecromancer365]

A.N. TW: For self-exit references. When I feel depressed my writing follows suit. Apologize for any mistakes. This is really just something random I wrote.

------

They stood outside Tissaia's door. A whole day had passed and then some. Sabrina stood with her arms crossed, Margarita beside her, and Triss in front of them. Triss gathered them to check on Yennefer. They knocked on the door a few times but never got a response.

"How long will she stay in there?"

"However long she has to." Margarita spoke where Triss ignored the conversation, the red-head staring at the door and preparing another knock.

"Never thought Tissaia would do something like that. Especially not over a man." Sabrina said the latter part almost under her breath.

"It's not about Vilgefortz. It's about Aretuza. You know that." Margarita corrected her with a healthy dose of side-eye.

Triss knocked and they waited for a response. "Yennefer...please come out. At least walk with us for a few moments."

Nothing.

"You still need to eat." Triss waited, then sighed.

"She'll find us when she's ready." Margarita squeezed Triss’s shoulder. "Come on, let's go."

------------------------------

Tissaia was going to hate her. There would be hell to pay for taking away the one thing Tissaia valued the most, control.

They did it for a reason. Aretuza couldn’t afford to lose its rectoress, and neither could she.

The evening sun slowly faded from Tissaia's room. Yennefer watched the open window opposite them with a hollow look in her violet eyes. Her tears dried hours ago, and her anger simmered until only a vague haze of sorrow remained.

The room was silent. A breeze wafted in, and Yennefer lay still. She hadn't uttered a word in hours. She hadn’t the energy to even hear herself talk. It all went to the Rectoress resting beneath the bedcovers.

The marks on Tissaia's wrists had healed to angry red scars. It was the best they could do for now. They'd all exhausted their chaos to bring Tissaia back.

Yennefer stroked Tissaia's pale cheek with her thumb, touching the Rectoress as though she were delicate glass. Her tears gathered each time she thought of the moments before the ceremony.

'You lied to me. Why?'

That thought stayed on her mind as she replayed their last moments incessantly, containing her emotion behind an unsteady frown.

Her world came crashing to a halt when she felt the searing pain in her wrists. It took her by surprise.

Her heart pounded, and a dangerous pang split it in two as she ran across Aretuza as fast as she could with her wrists still on fire. Her hands were numb when she reached the room.

She was grateful the others were close behind her. They started on Tissaia immediately.

"We need you too."

Triss pulled her out of her horror.

------------

Bringing Tissaia back took hours, and now all she could do was watch Tissaia breathe. The process of coming back was naunced and different for everyone. But as long as Tissaia was breathing, their part was done.

The center of her chest still ached as she recovered from the shock that left her tired and drained. The soreness under her ribcage throbbed with every inhale.

Their minutes were precious after she found Tissaia lying on the floor of her room with pools of blood under her wrists.

She had no time until now to lament over Tissaia’s choice, ruminating over a thousand what ifs.

Tissaia fooled her with a smile. She left the room, reassured by the gentle look in Tissaia's eyes. Strength had returned to them, or so she thought.

Now, their final hug haunted her. She welcomed it then and needed it more than she thought. Tissaia clung to her more than ever, and it chilled her to realize why. For Tissaia, that hug was their last. She couldn't have known, and that was exactly how Tissaia wanted it.

Yennefer's brow tensed.

What a cruel way to leave her. Tissaia had to know the horror she'd face in finding her.

Tissaia’s letter lay on the nightstand opposite them. Yennefer skimmed it once and couldn't read it again. Reading it the first time was hard enough.

She couldn’t believe a note would’ve been all of Tissaia she had left. It would’ve haunted her for the rest of her life as it did now.

The pain Tissaia must’ve felt...

Yennefer stroked the white hair under her palm as the Rectoress' color returned.

Tissaia was the strongest of them all. They needed her.

She wouldn't return to Ciri yet. Ciri had Geralt, and it was a good thing she did. They'd understand.

Yennefer closed her eyes and sunk deeper into the pillow, keeping Tissaia close, her hand resting on warm skin.

'I'm not ready to lose you.'

[angstyandromanticwriting]

☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽

☦︎︎ “𝑰’𝒎 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖.” ☦︎︎

☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽

A Leighton Murray X Fem!Reader Angsty, Cute, and Fluffy Prompt

[The Full Version - FINALE; Part Four]

Minors DNI!!!

* (Working with some hefty topics here, as well as some quite explicit smut features along the way, basically!)

Takes place mainly after the events of season 3, as well as occasionally drifting back to events proceeding even before season 1 takes place!

Heavy WIP!!!

* I may have already made some mistakes somewhere; trust me to do that, honestly!

I sincerely apologise for my invasion of the story, as well (or do I?)

Word Count [Exclusive to this Part]: standing around 15.6k!

I hope you enjoy it; there will be more!

!TW(s) [to be expected]: deals in depression + PTSD + anxiety + separation anxiety, self-doubt + self-hatred, handles break-ups, handles suicidal attempts + consideration, masturbation (vague) + smut (explicit), handles topics + types of abuse, smoking, handles a car accident + a love-triangle, matters of hospitality, online ghosting, handles idea/topics of death, swearing + sexual references, jealousy, handles financial struggle/poverty, inadvertent cheating, substance abuse + consideration, feeling + being sick, drugs + alcohol, some nudity, blood, handles weaponry, handles panic attacks + injury detail - if I’ve missed any here, please feel free to let me know; thank you!

Favour/Let’s Dance in Bars

XVII

“You’ve been crying - why?” Leighton had asked you, shortly after the first time you’d both been intimate together, the way you had, then.

You’d winced, in response to her question.

“W-What do you mean-? I - I’ve not been-”

“I know what it looks like, when you - y’know, cry; I’ve seen you do it before,” she’d interjected, not unkindly as you’d warily allowed your gaze to meet her own, no matter how much it had terrified you, the way it did, then.

“Leight,” you’d begun again timidly, her listening to your every word at the time as she’d nodded to know she’d been paying attention, and always would be from this point onwards, only making your heart falter all over again.

You wondered if it would ever stop having such a reaction just to her being as close to you, as she was then, as well as now.

“I-.. I don’t know why I was crying, okay? I - I guess I just-.. being with you, it - it’s been - the best thing that’s ever happened to me so far, a-and I just-.. Leight, I - I’m scared I’m-.. shit-.. look, it’s nothing, okay? It doesn’t matter, I just - I just wanted you to know that I’m grateful to you, and I probably always will be - you know that, right?”

Leighton couldn’t help, but smile warmly back at you at the time, and not even because she was tired, and the glinting of your eyes was positively consuming every lingering bit of her interest and attention as she nodded slowly, before finding herself giggling softly again.

You winced, faltering as you worried you’d messed up by telling her something like that already, when you’d only met her earlier, that day.

“Fuck, I’m sorry - t-that was - that was probably a lot, just for-.. I’m sorry,” you’d managed, and Leighton raised her eyebrows, the smile still controlling her lips and the light in her own eyes as she leaned forward a little closer to you, allowing her to connect her forehead to your own, at the time, the way it did, then.

“Don’t worry - I’ve heard worse than that, honestly,” she reassured you gently, before delicately pressing her lips to your own again, only making the fluttering come back again as your eyelids had fluttered shut, before the kiss had managed to end, miserably all over again. “It feels good, anyway, h-hearing that - and not just d’you wanna do it again, or meet up again and - y’know, all that kinda shit, and more,” she admitted, as she rested her head upon your chest again, listening to your hardly steady heart beat as it went on, but all you’d felt was guilt, then, when you remembered your next question, and how you’d wanted to ask her exactly if she could come back and see you again.

The next thing you knew, she was carrying you into your bedroom upstairs, seeing as it didn’t look like it was anywhere on the first floor of your own apartment, the way it did, then.

“I can’t believe you’re making me wait even longer,” you whined, “Leight - Leight, c’mon, just - we don’t have to move, we could just-”

But she’d already got up the stairs, by now, and was curiously looking around at the different rooms, ranging from a slightly smaller bathroom, to a couple of similar sized bedrooms on the opposite side of it.

“Which one’s your’s, huh?” She inquired, grinning victoriously down at you as you cursed feebly, before gesticulating toward the one furthest away from you both. “Sure thing,” she remarked, before proceeding to the room you’d gesticulated her toward, the way you did, then, as you winced, and buried your face into the crook of her neck all over again.

“Please, Leight - I need - I just need you to-”

“Don’t worry - I know what you need, baby,” she reassured you gently, and you hesitantly allowed your gaze to meet her own, bud aching all the more painfully by now, but her eyes made you forget about it for a little while, as you smiled softly up at her, wondering what you’d done to deserve her, all over again, now.

“Hey, erm - did it hurt, when - when you - y’know, fell from heaven, when you did?” You managed, eventually, and Leighton raised her eyebrows, before she giggled softly, as she carefully laid you down on your bed, blissfully all over again, as well as delicately, as if she feared she could break you if she handled you any rougher, than she had, then.

“You’re seriously still using that one? I thought you would have-..”

She winced, as she decided against finishing her statement, but you shook your head slowly, as you smiled reassuringly back at her, not wanting her to be afraid of how it would make you feel, to be reminded of the time apart you’d both had together, the way you did, miserably before now.

“I’m - I’m sorry-”

“No, Leight - it - it’s okay, I promise - we’re here, now - what happened before doesn’t matter anymore, okay? We can just-.. I’m just happy, to - to be here with you again, after-.. after everything, a-and whether that changes or not, we - we could just-.. I just want to be here with you, okay? At - At least - At least for tonight, a-and if you want to go after I just - it’s - it’s okay, Leight, I promise just - just be here with me, f-for now, okay? A-And I don’t know I just - I just really need-”

“I’m not leaving - hey, look at me-”

You’d been trying not to again, your eyes watering as you tried to swallow back the lump forming in your throat again, the aching from before hardly there by now even as she was sat beside you, propping herself up on her left elbow as she tried to meet your gaze again, wishing she could try and take the pain away somehow that seemed to often be plaguing you, the way it was, then.

She also wished she could try and take back the fear she’d implanted within you that one day you’d see her again, only to find yourself losing her all over again somehow, the way you had, then, those few years ago, now - at least, anyway.

“Baby, look at me, okay? I want you to hear what I need to tell you, a-and to know that I mean it, m-more than anything, I promise, just - please just look at me, and things’ll get better - I know they will - c-can you do that, for me?”

You hesitated, at first, as Leighton waited patiently for you, her eyes never leaving you as you turned your face toward her again, tried your hand at the best smile you could do, only to fail miserably, leaving you feeling empty, all over again, regardless of the efforts you’d put into it, the way you had, then.

“Leight,” you began again gently, and she found she couldn’t continue again for a moment as your voice rolled over her, small though it was, then, “n-no, okay? You don’t have to do this; you don’t have to-”

“I do,” she interjected without hesitation, the next time; she couldn’t let the night end without you knowing how much you’d always meant to her, and though it still scared her sometimes that she could end up pushing you away somehow by doing so - although it was a possibility highly unlikely, at this rate - she couldn’t run away anymore; she had to fight for you, now more than ever, at this point in time, by now. “I fucking do, Y/n, okay? And it’s not just because I love you, it’s - it’s because-.. I can’t lose you again, okay? I just can’t, I-.. Y’know, sometimes I wonder if I really did hide it that well, h-how much it-.. hurt, when - when I found out you’d gone. I remember I always tried to kid myself, too, but-.. somehow, it was just always - there, k-knowing that you were somewhere else, a-and - and I was just-.. here, a-and.. even when I was with Alicia, I-.. I’m scared I still felt it, but-.. but-.. it doesn’t matter now,” she managed a little more dejectedly, her voice trembling a little, before she smiled timidly back at you all over again, eyes glinting more than they ever had with it before, the way they did, then, “the only thing that does matter is that we’re together, okay? A-And when you wake up tomorrow, we - I’ll still be here; I promise; we both will, a-and when you wake up, I’ll probably already be awake, and I’ll tell you how much you mean to me again, b-because - because you’re everything to me, baby, and nothing can ever change that, I promise - nothing, and it never will again. Y-You believe me, right? Y-You believe I’ll try, this time? Please say you do, I - I just - baby, I-”

She fell quiet, as soon as your lips brushed against her’s again.

She had hardly managed to recompose herself, by the time the caress had ended, the way it did, her eyes a little more half-lidded for a moment as she opened her eyes, melting into the way your touch felt against her right cheek, the way it did, then.

“I believe you, Leight - I promise you I do, okay? You - You’d never hurt me like that; you’d-.. baby, you’d never-..”

Your voice cracked a little as you had to bow your head again, not wanting her to see that you were still on the verge of breaking down all over again, especially when it didn’t help your cause in trying to prove to her that you knew you could trust her, even after you’d lost her before.

Her heart had dropped again, at that; at seeing you so broken, the way you were, then, looking even more lost than you had before somehow even when she was there with you, her right arm wrapped around your waist as you tried to stay calm, not wanting to scare her anymore, the way you were, then.

“Okay,” she managed, eventually, and you expressed relief, a shaky breath escaping you as you nodded hastily, eyes never leaving her own again.

“Okay?” You replied, eyes searching her own as you tried to seek something within them, though you weren’t quite sure what it was, yet, when you did it, just wanting to make sure she knew you were at least willing to try and trust her again, no matter how hard it proved to be eventually - if it did prove to be more difficult than you thought, anyway, if you decided to stay here for the long term - in the end, anyway, hopefully nowhere near after today, as long as things went okay, regardless of what the future might have in store for the both of you, shortly after today, or maybe even sooner than that.

Nobody can know when, or if things will end up going wrong.

You were all the more terrified, when she had you carefully straddled beneath her, your bottom half still uncovered as she delicately kissed at your neck again, the mark she’d created a little darker than it had been before, by now.

You hadn’t exactly done this in a little while. Your last had been Elizabeth, and whenever you thought about it it filled you with dread all over again, you trying to keep your breathing pattern regular as you told yourself Leighton wouldn’t hurt you, like Elizabeth did; she had been just as gentle, the last time, and all the times before that that you’d seen one another again, and you knew you were safe with her, as long as you could help it, somehow.

“I still can’t believe you haven’t let me work on you, yet,” you admitted, breathing a little exasperatedly as Leighton suckled a little further down from your last mark, as if she were intent on trying to create another, already.

She’d stopped, however, when she heard your voice again, lifting her head alongside her eyebrows again as she smirked mischievously down at you, and you felt your heart so easily trembling at such a look from her again.

“Why? You miss how it felt, too? Or, maybe-”

As she leaned down again, her breath hot, and unusually comforting as it was, against your left ear, the way it had been, blissfully then.

“Did you miss how I tasted?” She teased, and you shuddered uncontrollably as your eyelids fluttered a little alongside the feeling as you felt her tongue gliding over the shell of your ear, after that, before there was a littler hint of teeth, finishing almost as fast as it had begun - at least, anyway.

“M-More than you know, baby,” you mustered up, though it made your face burn all the more, her looking pleased at such a response as she nodded confidently as if she’d been expecting as much.

“Good,” she replied simply, “but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you work on me just yet, okay?”

You frowned, evidently disappointed as she giggled softly again, and your breath hitched when you felt the fingers of your left hand trailing down your right side again.

“Fuck - Leight-”

“What? Do you like it when I do that? Maybe you’ll like it even more if I-”

You cursed a little shakily as she trailed her hand even lower, verging on being much too close for comfort, at this point in time, by now.

“Y’know, I think there’s something I haven’t done yet, aside from the usual - yeah, but - if you don’t want me to do it, I don’t want to push you, okay? I could never make you do things you’re not comfortable with doing, okay? I love you, baby, and maybe if you’re already ready we could-”

“No, Leight - we’re not doing that, yet, okay? And you know what I’m going to say; you know that I still need to-”

“You don’t,” she contradicted gently, “Y/n, you - you don’t owe me anything. Well, maybe nothing, but - disappearing - everything else is good, I promise. But still - I don’t want you to feel like-”

When you’d got the idea, you were scared of what it would do; of how she would react, but you were determined to show her how much she meant to you, too, as you perhaps not-so-romantically tried to rub at her inner-thigh, dangerously close to her own central area, like she had been to your own before, not too long ago, now, at least.

“Seriously? You think that’s gonna work? Y/n-”

But she was distracted; you could tell she was, as you leaned up a little to bury your face into the left side of her neck, only making it harder for her to breathe as you gently nibbled at the skin, and she tried not to react too much as she shuddered when she felt your teeth on her skin again, accompanied by the light scrape of your tongue as she rolled her eyes a little, and turned her head slightly so she could rest her chin upon the top of your own head, as she smiled softly, wondering how she’d survived without you, before, the way she had, then.

“You’re still not winning against me on this - I hope you know that,” she teased, and you couldn’t help, but grin against her neck, as you tried not to giggle, before you pressed further and all the more delicate kisses along her neck, and down her left shoulder-blade, over and over and over again now - seemingly, anyway, until it was sadly over, and you’d returned to the same spot you’d been working upon again.

“I’m not trying to,” you claimed, and she scoffed, but you didn’t give in, as you carefully eased her closer up your body with your left arm around her waist, and maybe she wouldn’t have given in, if she didn’t feel you fumbling at her own jeans again, trying to get them undone clumsily, as she shuddered again, the anticipation exasperating her even more as she lowered her head a little, breathing a little shakier than she had been, before.

It shouldn’t have made your heart falter, the way it did, to achieve such a reaction from her after she’d been trying to work on you as much as she had, before, the way she had, then.

It - made you feel good, to say the least; to make her feel the same way she made you feel, all in so little time, as well.

It didn’t take you as long as you thought it would to get the button undone, before you slid the zipper down, and she swallowed timidly again, albeit quietly, as she turned her head again to connect her right cheek to the left side of your face, your hair soft and making her feel so much more at home again.

“I love you,” you whispered again, and your voice didn’t tremble this time as you delicately pressed a kiss to the skin between her neck and shoulder blade again, before you carefully allowed your left hand to slip beneath the now loosed flap of her jeans, before they disappeared into her pants, and her body finally tensed against your’s again, like it hadn’t done for so long - at least, not in a more intimate situation such as this one was, now, the way it was, then.

“Fuck - Y/n-”

“It’s okay,” you cooed gently, and she winced as she buried her face into the crook of your neck again as you lifted your free hand up to the back of her neck, almost head, making her feel a little better and slightly more relaxed, as she breathed a little faintly against your skin, somehow prompting goosebumps to prickle along your arms and legs as she did, but you didn’t want to make any movements too quickly as you wanted her to show you that she wanted you to, rather than have you force it upon her like you didn’t care for her own experience, as much as your’s, instead.

Eventually, she had managed to recompose herself enough in the end to slowly move a little against your middle finger, kissing along your neck again as she did, before you slowly decided to bring your index, alongside the one to the left of your middle into the mix, as you tried to sync the pace a little to rub at her bud as she gyrated against your touch, eyes a little darker and half-lidded again as she moved a little faster, you trying to match her as best you could as she did, but it got harder to concentrate eventually as she played the same wild card against you, arching herself a little so she could reach her right hand between the both of you again, and you’d hardly been able to breathe regularly, by the time you felt her brushing her fingers along your slit and folds again.

“Shit,” you managed shakily, and Leighton smirked back at you, though you could tell she was starting to struggle to continue herself as she affectionately connected her forehead to your own, trying to keep herself calm all over again, albeit unsuccessfully, but she managed it just enough to keep most of the rhythm she’d developed, as she eased your folds apart again, before doing you the same favour as you’d been doing her, at this point. “L-Leight, that - that’s - it - fuck, I-”

“It’s okay, baby,” she managed softly, her voice trembling as she did as she leaned a little closer to delicately connect her lips to your’s again.

“I’m sorry - I’m so sorry, Leight, I - I don’t know why I keep panicking, I’m sorry-”

“Everything’s okay, I promise,” she added even gentler, and her voice soothed you so easily as you nodded a little fainter, leaning back a bit more as she tried to keep rhythm again, you shuddering whenever she added another finger like you had, but eventually you settled into it a bit more as you gripped at the sheet beneath you with your free hand, body shaking a little as it slowly grew to be more and more of an intense feeling, like Leighton had been experiencing at that point, alongside you, too.

She had managed - however - to hide it better than you, somehow or other.

She had also been the first to pull away.

XVIII

She winced as she’d done it, laying back as she tried to recompose herself, wanting to save herself a little more before you could ease her to an alternative high already - it wasn’t time for that; not just yet, anyway.

Your demeanour sank a little, once she’d withdrawn her fingers, alongside herself.

You appeared nervous, however, as you’d got another idea, before you timidly moved forward, and carefully spread her legs a little more.

She could hardly protest against your action, giggling softly - as well as a little exasperatedly - whilst you grinned sheepishly back at her, hands still resting upon her knees as you lingered before her, and couldn’t help, but admire her for a moment; you didn’t think you’d ever seen someone quite like her before, and you’d certainly never felt your heart racing that fast before now, the way it was, then.

“You just couldn’t wait, huh?” She guessed, and you appeared a little taken aback and all the more flustered clearly in response to her assumption.

You wondered if you were blushing again, too, as you kept your head low for a moment, though you weren’t sure why you were doing so when you knew she wouldn’t leave you because of something stupid like that.

Besides, she found it cute, anyway.

“You’re adorable,” she remarked simply, voice close to a whisper again as she looked back at you, a look of awe akin to your own playing on her face again as she smiled warmly back up at you, reassuring you a little more as you hesitantly looked back up at her, and tried not to let yourself break down all over again, somehow.

“You’re more adorable, Leight - and you can’t change my mind, okay?” You replied simply, and she raised her eyebrows, looking like she’d still try, but you knew how to stop her before she could even begin as you leaned down between her legs faster than she could even consider her next choice of phrasing, the way it would have been, then, if you weren’t on her so fast again and doing her the same favour of running your tongue delicately over where her slit would be, still hidden behind her own pants and jean flaps, though you’d undone them not too long ago, now, the way you did, then.

You’d been right; it had distracted her enough to make her drop her guard - at least almost completely, as she shuddered at the touch, almost as if she’d not been expecting it, before it could happen the way it did, but she loved it nonetheless, even arching her back a little to try and create more friction somehow, but you’d stopped, by the time she had, and she knew the mischievous look on your face that had centred, then, even before you raised your eyebrows, and eased her back down again.

“Fuck - seriously, Y/n? Why did you have to-?”

“If I have to lay still for you, you’ve gotta lay still for me, too, okay?” You managed, and she winced, wishing she’d not held you down before already, given that maybe you’d let her move a little more, if she hadn’t done so, a little earlier by now - at least, anyway.

“Shit,” she whispered in response as she nodded faintly, and you grinned a little smugly as she swallowed a little uncomfortably, trying to be as patient as she could, right now, albeit with nothing short of what you’d call ‘great difficulty’.

You waited, for a brief moment, as you trailed the fingers of your left hand up her left side, revelling in how soft her skin was under your touch, and her heart skipped a beat again as she revelled in the way you caressed her; admired every part of her then, even running your palm up to her throat as she swallowed beneath it again, you revelling at the movement of it too as she grinned toothily up at you, you gazing back at her almost in a daze again as if you couldn’t help yourself, whenever she were before you like this, the way she was, now.

“You look like you seriously want to either kill me, kiss me, or eat the entirety of me - which’ll it be, huh?” She inquired, evidently curious as she gazed back at you, too, eyebrows furrowing just a little though the spark was still there in her light orbs, only making your heart falter again as your lungs forgot how to function completely alongside it, and you raised your eyebrows without any verbal answer, before you delicately applied very little pressure upon her neck, but not enough to stop her from breathing completely.

It seemed somehow easy enough to do that without such dramatic measures having to ensue somehow.

She smiled softly up at you, before carefully leaning forward to delicately connect her lips to your’s again, the way she did, then, and blissfully so, and you almost didn’t want to move your left hand away, still resting on her throat the way it was, but you knew you couldn’t keep it there forever no matter how much you wanted to as you kissed her back even softer, the kiss not so full-on this time, the way it was, before.

You then delicately eased yourself a little lower so you could press a kiss to her throat, her revelling in the feeling again as she let her head drop back down onto the sheet below her, as you proceeded to trail the kisses down a little bit further, before you stopped, and glanced up at her again timidly as if you were requesting something from her, and it didn’t take her long to figure out what it was as you ran the thumb of your left hand over the material of her jacket, and she winced, realising she still had it on, and was too much clothing for the upcoming occasion, but then again she remembered she’d neglected to remove your own brown jumper as you tilted your head partially a little over at her, before she nodded once she’d managed to recompose herself just enough again, your eyes glinting as you carefully made to undo the buttons of her jacket, before she worked with you to get it off, and sat up a little more - you still lingering where you were before as you gave her a bit more room to pull her top off, the way she did, then.

You hardly noticed her chucking the attire elsewhere, after that.

Instead, you were struggling not to admire what had been hidden underneath the top from you, earlier, though it made you feel a immensely like a pervert, nonetheless, you wincing as you tried to hide that you’d been staring, for a moment, but she didn’t mind, giggling as you timidly looked back up at her, face redder than she’d ever seen it before, by now, and not just because you could tell she’d noticed your gaze dropping, the way it had, then.

“Leight,” you began again warily, your voice barely audible, especially when she had inched closer again, hardly much of a distance between you both left, by now, as she smirked in your direction again, and tried to act nonchalantly to further fluster you, especially when she began to work on your neck again, before she delicately began to fumble at the bottom of your own remaining major attire feature.

It was then that you panicked again, hastily shaking your head as you held her at arm’s length, and her expression softened when she noticed how scared you looked, the way you did, then.

“Leight, I - a-are you sure you want this with me? I - I just - I want you to know you have a choice; you will always have a choice, okay? I - I’m not-.. this isn’t - fuck; look, I - I’m nothing like you are; I - I could never be anything like-”

“What are you talking about? Y/n, if - if this is you trying to say that you aren’t perfect again-”

“I’m not, Leight - I could never be, s-so - w-why would you want to-?”

“You seriously still think I don’t want to do this with you? Y/n-”

“But it’s true, Leight - you know it’s true; I’m not-”

“I don’t care about typical stereotypes around perfection, okay? You are perfect, to me; you always have been, and we aren’t all conventionally perfect; why would we want to be? I mean, sure I see myself as perfect sometimes, but - I know that there are still things I need to work on to be a better person than I am, now, and that’s where imperfection comes in, right? No matter what other people might say - and they’re usually all assholes, anyway - imperfections are perfections, and we don’t need to be scared of them - especially when they still give us what we get, in the end.”

You still weren’t sure if you were convinced, or not, a pained expression on your face still as you tried to find the right words to say, but evidently not fast enough to protest against her words, as she made to continue, all over again.

“I was scared I’d never get to see you again,” she admitted, and you faltered all the more, even glancing up at her as your eyes darkened once more, especially when you noticed her own smile failing her for a brief moment, before she’d managed to bring herself to continue as she lifted her right hand up to your left cheek, prompting your heart to skip a beat again as you yourself struggled not to smile back at her, when she was looking at you, the way she was, then. “But - here we are, no matter what we think we should do to get ourselves better, huh? So - what do you say? Do you still think I shouldn’t be here, or-?”

It was hard enough to say no, for many reasons, rather than one.

You drew in a barely audible shaky breath, before you averted your gaze again for an even briefer moment, though her own eyes remained tracked upon your’s the whole time, the way they did, then, as if she were silently hoping your gaze would soon return to her own, given she missed the way it felt already, and it elated her somewhat all the more as you finally brought yourself to find your voice again, only to birth the four small words:

“It’s up to you.”

XIX

So she chose you.

You couldn’t imagine why she’d still want to, as she’d smiled softly over at you, and leaned forward to kiss you ever more delicately again.

The next time you felt her left hand trailing beneath your jumper, you knew you should humour her, though you were terrified of whether she’d still want to stay, if she saw even more of you again, in comparison to her own body.

You helped each other to pull it over your head, you giggling timidly as there was a brief struggle, Leighton teasingly raising her eyebrows over at you once it was off, before she shook her head again, and couldn’t help, but break into a sheepish grin all over again, somehow, the way she did, then.

“So, you like getting into fights with your jumpers now, huh? I’m kinda jealous; you should be saving that energy up for me, baby, not some piece of cotton or whatever it’s made of,” she remarked, and you felt your cheeks heating up again as you silently cursed yourself, finding it harder to breathe again that it had been, before, as she chucked the jumper away somewhat over-exaggeratedly, ever the actress. “I hope you still have some energy left in you after that,” she added a little more exasperatedly as she eased you down onto your back again, smirking as she straddled you beneath her once more, but you were acutely aware that you’d hardly finished with her, as you tried to lean upward a little more to get back at her throat again, but she held you down again, raising her eyebrows smugly down at you as if she knew she’d won already, and had secured the upper hand again.

“Oh c’mon, Leight, are you seriously doing this right now? I thought you were enjoying it when I was-”

“You’ll get your chance to work on me a bit more, okay? But not today; I - I wanna focus on you right now, okay? You deserve it more than I do, so - y-yeah, I’m sorry,” she managed, and you only felt helpless again as you shook your head, hating that she still felt that way, the way she did, then.

“Leight,” you began again softly, but she soon shut you down as she proceeded to kiss you a little deeper, you hardly able to resist her efforts as you melted into the action, the goosebumps coming back much too easily as you did, especially when you felt her left hand brushing against your right arm again, before she carefully lifted your back a little, you moving easily with her as she used her free hand to begin toying with your bra-strap.

You remembered being scared again, but you tried not to let it show much, not wanting to worry Leighton any further than you already had today, but she knew you too well by now to know that something was wrong, especially when you found yourself distractedly biting your bottom lip somehow.

“Fuck,” you whispered shakily, sounding a little more alarmed as you bowed your head a little, afraid you were bleeding.

Leighton didn’t hesitate, however, as she carefully lifted your head, and you could see the worry lingering behind her eyes again.

“Shit, Y/n - please tell me I didn’t do that - if I did, I’m so-”

“It wasn’t you,” you reassured her gently, as you resorted to silently cursing yourself again, “I - I don’t know what happened, I’m sorry, I just-.. I got distracted, I guess, I’m sorry-”

She shook her head subconsciously, not wanting you to apologise as she made to get up off of the bed, remembering seeing a bathroom on the opposite side of the staircase that she could probably get something from to stall the faint bleed, but you didn’t want her to feel like she had to do anything more like that for you as you managed to wrap your arms around her waist, stopping her from getting any further away from you somehow.

“I’m okay, Leight,” you tried to reassure her, as if you could tell that she wanted to help you rather than continue with you like this, and she appeared hesitant at first to believe you as you relocated your left hand up to her right cheek, somehow soothing her all the more as she melted into your touch, eyes never leaving your own without a fight again, “I don’t need anything, I promise, I-.. I just want to be here, with you, a-and things’ll be okay like that - you - you believe me, right?”

She sighed a little faintly as she easily connected her forehead to your own again.

“How about this? I’ll consider believing you, if you tell me what distracted you,” she bargained, and you tensed up a little, not sure if you should answer for a moment as you tried to think up an excuse, somehow, but even that was difficult, when you knew how difficult it was to lie to someone as close to you as she was, as well as Aurora. Harper sometimes, too, just not as often - at least, anyway.

“It doesn’t matter, Leight, I - I just-.. I’m okay, baby, okay? Don’t worry about me-”

“You’re not okay,” she contradicted gently, and you frowned when you noticed that a pained expression had formed a little on her face again in response to you trying to hide your thoughts from her again, the way you were, then.

Your heart had sunk enough recently, even before you’d managed to continue your ploy again.

“I just - it was nothing, okay? I swear, I just - I thought about you, Leight, a-and I guess I just - I don’t know-.. why do you even care, anyway? I’m okay, aren’t I? It’s not even that much blood, I just-”

“It’s still blood nonetheless, Y/n,” she interjected a little firmer, but it made her feel guilty to have snapped a little, the way she had, then, “and - as far as I can tell, anyway, it’s not coming from where we’d usually expect it to come from, is it?”

You didn’t know what to even say anymore as you kept your head low again, after she’d withdrawn her right hand from beneath your chin to finally allow you to do so again.

“Yeah, but - still, it’s not a big deal, Leight; it’s not like I’m gonna die from biting my lip, right? Look, maybe we should just-”

“Why can’t you just tell me? It’s not like I’m gonna run out on you if there’s something wrong, I just - I want to know what’s wrong, Y/n; I want to help you - please, baby - just tell me what’s wrong, a-and I swear I can-”

“You want to help me? After everything, still? You? I still don’t even know why, Leight, I mean - like, you say you love me, but-.. I don’t know, okay? C-Can we just-?”

You didn’t know why you even tried, as you leaned forward to try and kiss her again, but she eased you a little further back as her eyes darkened, the smile long gone, by now.

“Why are you only bringing this up now, w-when we’ve already almost-”

“I don’t fucking know, okay!? I just - all I know is - is that I can’t just forget everything that happened, Leighton - a-and you asking me why I’m lying to you just-.. I don’t know-.. it’s not like you haven’t lied to me, before,” you murmured a little more dejectedly, as well as shakily as you tried to hide your face from her completely, not wanting her to see that you were trying not to cry all over again, the way you were, then.

“Yeah, but-.. I thought - y-you said we could-..”

She winced, before shaking her head again, as she made to get up off of the bed once more, and you didn’t think it would make you feel as empty as you did, when you knew that maybe if you just kept your mouth shut, you wouldn’t have ruined everything again.

That was what you thought, at least, as you stared now tearfully back down at your hands, all over again, miserably - by now, anyway.

“I am trying, Leight,” you managed, and she stopped before the door to your bedroom, her frame faltering a little as she lingered before it, hesitantly turning her head a little to the left of her to show she was listening, no matter how much it pained her to do so, the way it did, then. “I really am, I swear, I just - I want this to work, okay? I really do, baby - I’m sorry; I’m so sorry, I-.. I’ll try and figure it out - I promise you I will, I just - I think I just need-”

“Sleep,” she mustered up, eventually, as she smiled faintly back at you, but it didn’t last for long as the smile disappeared faster than it came, and you thought you saw her eyes were glistening alongside your own, the way they were, then, before she could turn her fade away from you to try and hide it, somehow, the way she did, then.

Part of you wished you’d not seen, given it had made it harder to breathe again, all of a sudden, seeing her trying not to cry like that; like you were, after things had turned sour so unexpectedly again.

You’d probably never forgive yourself - you hoped she knew that, too.

You never deserved someone as good as her; that was all you knew, by now.

When she’d said goodnight, you found yourself wondering if the pills would still be where they were before.

Then again, you didn’t want to take the chance of waking her up, or alerting her even more if you tried to find them downstairs, where she said she’d be sleeping on the sofa, if you needed her for anything.

You sighed heavily, wishing you could take back what happened so easily as you curled up upon your bed again, the tears only seeming endless and all the more painful for your eyes to take as the night went on, each hour just seeming miserably the same again. Without her, anyway.

You couldn’t decide if you wanted to let your eyes close, either, afraid that maybe you’d only have a nightmare again, and that was something else you didn’t want her to know about either. Not yet, anyway, given it was so early into whatever you both had growing between you, again. Somehow.

It was all enough in that moment to distract you from how achy your bud had been, earlier, after she’d been manipulating it and teasing it the way she was, then.

You wondered if you could finish the job - of course you did, but at the same time you couldn’t bring yourself to do it, only feeling worse as you begged for morning to come faster than it was, right now, and as if bad things had a habit of coming on quickly, to make things even better than they were, then - you’d fallen asleep.

Your dad had got drunk again; mum was gone.

You remembered wondering a lot of the time if she was going to come back for you soon; she’d said she would, once, before things had got even worse between them.

You were in your room, it looked like - a little worse for wear; you didn’t find much comfort in it’s walls anymore, not when his focus had been more on you than ever, recently, since mum’s hasty departure.

You’d thought about taking your life then, too, especially after you’d recently split up with Leighton, at this point in time, now.

You sniffled barely audibly, lying in your bed again; he’d recently left the room - there was nothing more you felt you should say about that.

You’d heard worse things about how it happened to other kids, sometimes, but you didn’t know what to think, nonetheless, feeling more empty and lost than you ever had before, that day.

You couldn’t even bring yourself to picture an escape; a way out of here, at this point, so you didn’t know how you’d ever brought yourself to run away like you had, back then, before he could hurt you any further, somehow.

It was hearing the doorbell sounding out that disturbed you about the memory, as it was out of place, like most dreams like these tended to surprise you with, either for dramatic effect or whatever the hell a brain liked to do to torture its carriers, the way it was, you.

Still, after everything.

Part of you wondered if it was your mum come to take you away from him; to get you to someplace safer so everything could hurt less, but as you got up to press your right ear against your door, your heart dropped faster than it ever had before.

Especially when you’d realised it was not her voice, but Leighton’s, instead.

XX

You thought he would hurt her; he sounded - more than mad.

You made to ease your door open before the screaming even started, but it was stuck beneath your touch, and it was mostly - hazy, after that, you crying as you silently begged her to be okay; as you shouted for your dad to open the fucking door - just open it so you could see her again and tell her you love her, the way you’d been wishing you could for a little while, now, even after the break-up, official, or unofficial, the way it was.

You pictured your knuckles bleeding a little from where you’d been banging on the door before you, and to no avail.

The screaming went on, however, and you didn’t know what to do, so you cried for her.

You just cried, begging her to run far away from here so he couldn’t hurt her, too, but the screaming went on, and your ears ached with it, until it was over, so unexpectedly that you felt your heart shatter in your chest as if a light had gone out within it, and with no tell-tale signs before it had occurred, the way it did, then.

It was then that the stomping of heavy footfalls fell upon the staircase leading up to your room and the others, up here, and you didn’t know what to do, curling yourself into a ball as you begged for him to go away; begged for Leighton to be okay, but you felt like there was nothing left for you anymore all the more, and when your dad barged into the room, he was holding a gun; a pistol-looking type, and it had blood on its barrel.

You wondered if it was Leighton’s, and you wished he’d just kill you, by now - you wished he would just end it for you, right then and there, and there was a moment you thought he would, but instead he dropped it on the ground, safety still on, and told you to do it yourself whilst he got himself another beer.

You almost didn’t hesitate, trying not to look at the blood as you lifted the gun up to the left side of your head, shifting the index finger of your right hand so it was over the trigger, until you made to press down, your dad laughing somewhere downstairs, now, but soon it would all be over; you could do it - you really could, as you exerted slightly more pressure, wondering if you’d see Leighton again if you did it - if he had killed her, anyway, only to find yourself struggling in her arms as you cried quietly, and she begged you to stay with her.

You-.. didn’t know exactly how much of it was real, as she had been before you for a moment, her eyes wet as you bled in her arms, wondering how you were still alive, but it was when she’d started shouting for you to keep your eyes open that you heard your dad’s footfalls again, and you’d tried to speak; tried to tell her she wasn’t safe, but all she did was shake you, and hold you even closer to her, until the door was opening again, and you were-..

Home? In your room? In your previous lack of clothing, besides a bra?

You didn’t have much time to focus on what had happened, though, as you heard Leighton’s voice again; heard her crying as you thought she was saying your name, but your ears were still ringing strangely, until you could focus a bit more as you shook your head hastily, and clung shakily onto her again.

“I’m sorry - I’m so sorry, Leight, I - I love you; I love you, okay? I never wanted to leave, I’m sorry-”

“What’s she talking about?” Another voice sounded out, and you felt yourself tensing up again.

Harper was stood at the door, looking a little dejected again, though she tried to cover it well somehow, leaning against the doorframe to the left of her as she watched you curiously, wondering what she’d just walked into, somehow.

Leighton winced at the question, and how awkward the situation just - was, in general, you in hardly any clothing whilst she was still in her previous attire, unable to find herself bothered to get changed, at this rate, after your and her previous interaction, earlier today.

“I - I don’t know - I don’t know why she’s saying that, I’m sorry-”

But she did know - of course she did; she just didn’t know if it would be a good time, right now, for her to explain everything to Harper, somehow, whilst you were in a panicked state such as this one, the way you were, now.

You appeared confused, for a moment, wondering what she meant as you shook your head subconsciously, but you knew there wasn’t enough time to question her response as you tried to find the right words again, before you managed to continue, eyes never leaving her’s again.

“He’s here, Leight - y-you can’t stay here, okay? Not - Not right now, because - because if he sees you, h-he’ll be mad, a-and I can’t let him hurt you, okay? Just - Just please go - don’t let him get to you, too, b-because I - I don’t know if I’d ever be able to live with that, okay? I - I couldn’t, because - because I love you, Leighton Murray - I - I fucking love you, s-so - so run, please! Just run, a-and - and don’t even bother trying to come back because he’ll - he’ll know if you do a-and I - I don’t know, I don’t know, just - just run, now - just fucking run!”

You soon broke down again after that, and she didn’t know what to do as she held you close to her, lifting her left hand up to the back of your head as she cradled you ever closer, a pained expression on her face as she did, trying desperately to put two and two together somehow, albeit unsuccessfully, at this point in time, by now.

“Is there something I’m not getting, or-?”

Harper had inquired, and Leighton rolled her eyes, wishing the third party would just disappear so she could focus on you right now, rather than anyone, or anything else here, right now.

“Yes, clearly - what are you even doing here? You said you just wanted to pick up your bag, or something - wait, why is your bag even here? What the fuck is actually going on, right now?”

Harper winced, but Leighton didn’t let her get away without an explanation as she caught the girl by her right arm, and eased her back into the room so she could block the door to the hallway, folding her arms neatly before her chest again.

It especially pissed her off that she had to let go of you to do it, you crying quietly on the bed again as you held your knees to your chest, wishing the shaking would at least stop, by now, but it wouldn’t go away, and you wished the gun would turn up again, now, so you could put a stop to the mess somehow, like your dad had almost let you do, not too long ago, now - at least, anyway.

“Look, I - I knew you weren’t going to let me in, if-..”

Harper sighed, and Leighton raised her eyebrows over at her, the impatience and frustration clear in her demeanour, right now.

“I just - I wanted to see her, okay? I just-.. she is my friend, if - if not something else, anymore - I guess,” she murmured a little more faintly, and Leighton tensed up slightly, not sure how to respond for a moment as Harper averted her gaze toward you, looking all the more crestfallen in the light of the room when she noticed you were hardly clothed, and Leighton’s hair had got a bit messy in the process earlier.

“If it makes you feel any better - she was gonna tell you,” she managed, eventually, “a-about us, basically.”

“So - she did sleep with you, then?” Harper guessed, almost through what sounded like gritted teeth, the way she did, then.

“Sure, we slept together,” Leighton answered simply, though it wasn’t exactly true; you both had been intending to, but your tendency to revert to previous annoyances seemed to get the better of you, though you wished it hadn’t more than anything else in the world, by now, “we’ve been together a few times, actually - only recently thought about making things serious, though, so - yeah. But she was going to tell you - that’s the important thing-”

“Aside from the fact that she still cheated on me, regardless of whether she was going to tell me, or not, after she did?”

She could tell Harper was loving this.

She knew she probably shouldn’t, but she found it amusing - annoying her, the way she was, then.

And to add the cherry on top, she simply shrugged, a nonchalant expression residing upon her face as she did.

“That’s what she said anyway - don’t hold me to that,” she added, and Harper scowled, before nodding gravely, and making to meander around Leighton again, even barging against her left shoulder a little as she went, but Leighton didn’t care - she hardly even reacted to the action, as she shut the bedroom door behind the girl, and allowed her gaze to blissfully fall upon your frame again, still shaky and much too quiet as you sniffled barely audibly, and breathing pattern seemed too staggered to be normal, right now.

Her expression softened, as soon as she could focus on you again.

She timidly approached you again, though without much hesitation as she sat on the edge of the bed, a pained expression forming upon her face all over again, the way it did, then.

“Y/n? H-Hey, look at me - you’re okay now, I promise - everything’s okay; I’m here, baby, and I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

As soon as you heard her voice again, you hastily turned to face her, breathing shakily as you clung to her left leg, looking up at her through sore eyes as your mouth moved silently for a moment, until you managed to find your voice properly again, somehow, shaky and weak though it was, then.

“Leight,” you managed faintly, and her heart sank at how small your voice was, now, and she couldn’t stop herself as she carefully cradled your body closer to her own again.

“It’s okay - I’m here; I’m always gonna be here, I promise - just - just breathe with me now, okay? Just breathe with me, baby, and everything’ll be okay again - okay?”

Of course you tried. Why wouldn’t you?

You just wanted to be as close to her as you possibly could be, right now, though you couldn’t believe she was still here in the process, the way she was, now, even after everything that had happened between you both, before now.

“Leight, you - you need to go - you can’t stay here with me, okay? M-My dad, he - he’s here, okay? He - He’ll - He’ll hurt you, if - if you - Leight, you can’t stay, okay-?”

You’d cried, but you found you couldn’t bring yourself to let go of her at the same time, neither could you struggle within her arms as you buried your face into the crook of her neck, crying quietly against it as you begged her to stay safe - to just stay safe so she wouldn’t get herself hurt for you, somehow.

You weren’t worth it - that was all you could even think, right now. Nothing more.

She shook her head subconsciously, her eyes darkening as she tangled her fingers within your hair, tears threatening to even escape her own eyes alongside your’s whenever she thought about what your dad had done to you, before.

Except, she didn’t know all of what he’d done, just yet; you didn’t know if you should tell her, for a little while, or even at all, but you knew you probably should someday, if you both were to stay together after today, somehow.

She just wished she could hurt him, whenever she thought about what you’d told her about him, before now, but she was scared she couldn’t, at the same time; she didn’t even know where he was, right now - and you didn’t, either.

She guessed that was that - for now, anyway.

“Shh, it’s okay - and you can’t get rid of me that easily, by the way,” she tried to tease to lighten up the situation, but it only made you more worried for her as you shook your head hastily, your eyes wider than she’d ever seen them before, now.

She couldn’t believe how beautiful they were, still - after everything, somehow.

“No - Leight, please, just - just listen to me, okay? He - He’ll take you away from me; he’ll - he’ll take you, a-and do things and - a-and I don’t know, but - but I can’t let him hurt you too - I just can’t, just - just please don’t let me lose you, okay?”

You begged, and her heart dropped all over again, at that. Especially when she’d heard you say that he’d do something to her, as if he’d done so to you, too.

The question was were the ‘things’ she was thinking of exactly what he was doing, or were they the previous themes of regular violence you’d told her of, before she’d lost you, all those years and seconds ago, now?

“You’re not gonna lose me again, I promise,” she stated determinedly, “I’m right here, Y/n, and here is where I’ll stay now, okay? No matter what, I just - I need you to know that, okay? I - I love you - I’ve always loved you, alright? And it sounds cringey as pig shit, but when you love someone like I love you, you don’t give up on them, because it hurts to even try, and then you wonder if you’ll ever feel really, truly happy again.”

Her expression softened when she thought about it, and your eyes glinted a little as you glanced up at her, trying to process what you’d just heard as your eyebrows furrowed together a little, before you eventually gave in, and buried your face back into the crook of her neck, blissfully all over again.

XXI

You both laid there for a little while, after that.

She was delicately stroking your hair, as you slowly began to fall asleep within her arms again.

She didn’t think she’d ever seen you this peaceful, before now. It was nice.

She smiled softly as she admired you, before she affectionately connected her forehead to your’s, as she wished at the same time that she could try and do something more to make you happy again; to ease you into hopefully forgiving her, even, if you could, possibly anyway.

Her heart dropped at the possibility that you’d never be able to fully trust her again, the way she trusted you, already.

She sighed softly, as she herself tried to close her eyes, again, but she soon enough remembered her earlier words, before she thought back to the day after you’d told her about your dad, and she’d found herself panicking a little in response to it, but not because she was scared he’d come looking for her, but because she was scared for you; she was scared of what might happen if she got any closer to you, and ended up just losing you, somehow, the way she had, anyway, not long after that, regardless of what you meant to each other, at the time, then.

“Why do you even want to know?”

She remembered you asking, as the both of you walked slowly through the park again, though she was a little shiftier than usual, occasionally glancing around to make sure no one was looking at either of you in a funny manner, as well as to make sure that nobody around was from the same college she was due to be attending soon - early next year, anyway, by now.

She’d started a few months after she’d lost you, but she didn’t want to think about that right now, or ever - not now, anyway.

“Why do you think I want to know, Y/n? I care about you,” she’d answered simply, “if your dad’s really hurting you like that, you - you shouldn’t be there with him; he should - he should be locked up, not - not free to just - just do stuff like that, I mean-..”

You’d nodded gravely, after that, and she subconsciously glanced over at you, a pained expression on her face as she watched you keeping your head low, finding it difficult to swallow as you tried not to break down again, though you luckily had some coverage over your eyes, a spare pair of sunglasses Leighton had offered up to you when you’d asked her if she had some, the day before, shortly after your dad had ended up beating you all over again.

“Yeah, well - he’s a rich man, Leight; none of them down at the police station would believe me, or want to follow up on it, so,” you’d managed, eventually, your voice briefly trembling, and Leighton’s heart had sunk again at that, before she’d shaken her head hastily, and she still wondered today what had encouraged her so strongly to then take your hands in her own, before you’d warily turned to face her, finding your heart beating much too fast again as she’d stood before you, that day, something glinting fiercely in her eyes that you didn’t think you’d ever seen in them, before, the way you did, then.

“Don’t say that - you never know if they will, or they won’t, these days, y’know? There’s always a chance they’ll get him, in the end; I promise you there is - he isn’t going to hurt you forever, baby; I know he isn’t, b-because - because I can’t let him, okay? I can’t lose you, Y/n L/n, s-so - don’t make me try and live without you, okay? N-Not like this, anyway,” she’d replied, and you couldn’t help, but smile in response to her in that moment, and the sight made her heart stutter all over again, as soon as it played on your lips, and she found herself missing being able to kiss them again, “a-and even if the police don’t listen - we’ll always be facing this together, alright? Always - no matter what.”

Your smile did falter, however, almost as fast as it had came, the first time, before you made to continue walking down the pathway with her.

“I appreciate it, Leight, but-.. what if it does get worse? What if - What if he-?”

You winced at the thought; of never being able to see, or speak to Leighton again, and as soon as she caught onto what you were saying, it got all the more harder to try and breathe normally again.

“What are you even fucking talking about? He’s not taking you anywhere away from me, okay? You’re going to be fine, I promise - I won’t let him hurt you anymore than he has already, okay? Just - if he ever tries to do anything else, don’t even think about not calling me, because I can’t just let him hurt you like that again. I just can’t, alright? How do you think I felt, when - when you came through the gates and - and your eye was-..”

You’d tensed up again in response to such a question, before nodding gravely as you awkwardly adjusted the glasses even further up your nose again, in case the bruising around your eye was still quite intense, at the time, the way you had, then.

You could still feel her eyes on you; she’d been trying to think of a way to keep the conversation going, worried that the both of you would run out of time to talk to each other, eventually, when she’d undoubtedly have to wait to hear your voice all over again, a notion painful enough for the both of you - unbeknownst to her, then, at that point in time - at least, anyway.

“Leight-”

“I love you,” she’d mustered up, and the both of you fell quiet for a moment, you hesitantly stopping a few paces away from her after she’d stopped a few steps behind you before. “I - I mean - I - I - shit, I’m sorry - I just - I meant - I think I love you, okay? A-And I’m sorry if I - if I said it too fast or - or I don’t know, I just - I’m really sorry-”

“I love you, too - or - I think I love you, Leight; if that’s - y’know - what you’d prefer,” you’d awkwardly cleared your throat, after that, as you were looking over your shoulder at her, and the smile that managed to play on her lips after that made you wonder if your heart would ever beat normally again, whenever she was with you, the way she had been, then.

She’d been unable to hold it back, when she giggled softly, the way she did, before she lowered her head a little, feeling her cheeks warming up a little shortly after that, too, and you wished you could kiss her again, but you knew she wasn’t so comfortable kissing in public, and this was - mightily undoubtedly - quite a busy one of those included public places.

“Y’know, now I’m starting to think I do prefer just the I love you,” she’d admitted, and your heart skipped yet another overwhelming beat, the way it had, then, especially when you found her right arm around your waist, once she’d finally inched closer, the two of you stood a few paces before the duck pond, by now, still in all its glory as if it would always be there and powerful; a driving force of the park, as long as none of the people tried to change it again, like the time there had had to be a petition to stop the park being torn down and built over. That was also a few years ago, now.

You didn’t regret signing your name over and over by changing your number a pointless amount of times once the document had come out, the way it had, then.

“That’s good, then - ‘cause we’re both in true agreement, this time, in that case,” you decided, and she found it much too difficult not to look over at you, and revel in the way your eyes shone in the light, the way they were, then.

She couldn’t deny you were dangerous for her to be around, at the time, especially when she looked at you, and almost forgot her usual requirements centred around kissing other other girls, the way she had been, a lot more, recently.

She also couldn’t believe sometimes how you’d been the first one to create a lull in her relationship variations, before you were followed by Alicia, then Tatum, and then Alicia, all over and over again.

There had been no doubt in her mind, at the time - she would have kissed you, if she didn’t notice a group of student-looking girls and boys walking by, laughing at god knows what as she awkwardly cleared her throat, and let her arm drop away from you as she awkwardly looked away, too, you trying to hide that it had made your heart sink to have things change so suddenly, the way they had, then.

Once the group had gone by, she felt a little more comfortable again, timidly glancing up at you as she smiled softly in your direction, and you struggled to genuinely return the gesture, before you awkwardly shuffled upon your feet, and wondered if you should stay, or not.

You didn’t think it would hurt, as much as it did, to have her pull away like that, but you didn’t blame her; you hadn’t come out at the time, either - not to your dad, anyway.

Neither had you really spoken to your mum about anything like that, either.

So far, only you, Aurora, and Leighton knew, and - you were okay with that.

Then, anyway.

“So,” Leighton cautiously began again, “what do you think we should-?”

She fell quiet again, as soon as you winced, and bowed your head again, sucking in air sharply through your teeth as if something had pained you, and she thought she could see you were blinking a little more rapidly, as if your eye were still paining you, only making her feel worse as she tried to resist the urge to take your left hand in her right one again, no matter how much she wished she could do, right now, the way she had, then.

“Fuck,” you uttered a little sharply, your voice sounding strained; barely audible as you lifted your left hand up to your bruised eye, wiping away something she couldn’t see through the glasses she’d given you - a regret, now, when it worried her to think that you could be crying, right now, and she couldn’t tell, because of them hiding it away from her, now, or not - if you were crying, anyway.

“W-What’s wrong? Are you okay-? Hey, talk to me-”

You tried to calm down, your bruised eye stinging excruciatingly as you tried to fight the remaining tears back, though it only made it worse to have the pain prying for you to release them, the way it was, then.

“I’m okay,” you managed, eventually, albeit shakily enough for her to not believe - at all, at this point in time, now.

“You’re not okay, Y/n; I can tell you’re not okay - just - just show me, okay? Please, I - I need you to-”

You were hesitant, when you made to take the glasses off again.

Her heart sank, as soon as she noticed your eye all over again; it was - just a shock, to say the least, seeing you like that, and knowing that your dad had done that to you.

And she couldn’t stop him.

You tensed up a little, and bowed your head as she shook her head subconsciously, trying not to lose her own train of thought as she timidly reached for your left hand again, and your heart skipped a beat, as soon as you felt her fingers intertwined within your own again.

“Y’know, you don’t need to hide when you’re crying from me,” she cooed gently, and your heart dropped again as you wondered why she was always so good to you, though the both of you were still a bit more cagey with your sexualities at the time.

You certainly didn’t think the both of you would end up knowing each other for this long, the way you did, now.

“Leight-”

“Just - listen to me, okay? You - You need to hear it - I know you don’t like hearing it, baby, but - but you need to; you know you need to,” she insisted, and it was so hard to not kiss her right then and there, “you’ve been strong for too long, now - it’s okay to have a break, sometimes; you - you know that, right?”

You sighed, wishing she’d just give up on you, at this point, no matter how much you knew it would hurt to lose her, the way you did a few weeks after that - at least, anyway.

“I guess,” you murmured half-heartedly, even trying to smile faintly back up at her again - it was all you could manage, right now, but you hated to think you couldn’t be stronger for her, as you silently begged for the conversation to change, not wanting her to worry about you, anymore, the way she did, then. “Hey, Leight, erm - I - I think we should-”

“Wait-”

She began again a little breathlessly, and you fell quiet again, watching her a little nervously as you wondered what she would say, next, not sure if you could hold yourself back much anymore, if you stayed any longer than you had, already, the way you had, then.

“D-Don’t go, yet - I - It’s not been-”

“My dad’s probably wondering where I am, Leight, s-so - yeah-”

“No, Y/n - don’t go back to him, okay? N-Not yet, anyway, just - just - we can - we can stay here until you feel better, okay? Please, baby, just stay here with me, a-and - and he won’t hurt you again - I won’t let him if he-”

You’d never seen her this scared, before.

You couldn’t let it go on as you hastily shook your head, and wrapped your arms around her again.

“I’m okay, Leight; I promise I’m okay, baby - of course I am, when you’re here with me,” you reassured her gently, and she slowly began to calm down again, especially when her arms were around you, too, the way they were, then.

She expressed relief, as you buried your face into the crook of her neck, sniffling barely audibly, before you pressed a delicate kiss to her soft skin again, only making her feel even safer and warmer as she lifted her left hand up to the back of your head, and you revelled in the way her fingers felt in your hair, blissfully all over again.

“I love you, okay?” You cooed even gentler, and she tried to swallow back the lump forming in her throat as she nodded faintly, her heart beating too fast again.

“D-Do you still wanna go-?” She asked, her voice trembling a little as she cursed it for doing so, but there wasn’t much she could do about it, now that it was just - there.

You were quiet, for a moment, and she couldn’t bear the silence; it was - tense, to say the least, but she didn’t want to pressure you into staying with her as she tried not to hold you even closer, though there was the sudden urge for her to do so, the way it was, then.

“I can’t stay for long, Leight - if-.. my dad, he’ll-.. I’m sorry,” you managed, eventually, and she tried not to tense up again, though it terrified her, to think about what could happen, if she let you go back home to him again.

“Okay,” she murmured, trying to act a little more nonchalantly, but it was even harder to do that, than it was not to cry, as she tried to hide it again, and you wondered why your chest was aching still, the way it was, then. “S-Sure - t-that’s - you’re right, I’m sorry - but-.. no, it’s okay - you - you’ll be alright, I know you will - you’re tough, Y/n; you’ll kick this thing’s ass, right?”

“You know I will, Leight; I promised, didn’t I? I - I could never break a promise I make to you, no matter what, okay?”

She nodded reluctantly, as you held her at arm’s length, her trying not to glance down at your lips again as she tried to believe you; tried to believe you wouldn’t disappear, faster than she’d ever met you, before.

“Okay,” she replied half-heartedly, “okay - just-.. if - if anything happens-”

“I call you - got it,” you reassured her gently, and her eyes glinted a little in response to that; she didn’t even know why, truth be told, right now.

“Exactly,” she remarked a little more brightly, than before, and you smirked back at her, before leaning forward to delicately press a kiss to her cheek - that was at least a little more of a ‘friend’ thing to do, so you’d both recently decided it would be okay if you resorted to doing so, rather than kissing the way you normally liked to together, in private, at times.

“Tomorrow, meet me back here - I - I just-.. I need to show you something, okay?”

You’d requested delicately, and she grinned sheepishly back at you, raising her eyebrows again as she did.

“Tomorrow,” she agreed gently, “early as you like.”

“We’ll see about that - shall we, baby?”

XXII

She didn’t want to think about what happened that day, anymore, and not just because it was painful enough having to remember the way you both had to hide your relationship at that point, it was also what happened the day after that pained her more than she could even say.

You see, you hadn’t turned up the next day; she hadn’t seen you for a little while. A few days, actually.

She’d been scared that he’d done something to you, and she even considered going to his house to see if you were okay, but when she’d turned up, she had never felt more uneasy before.

It was enough just to look at the place, to know it wasn’t somewhere good you could be around peacefully, and it only made her heart ache a little more when she thought about it; thought about you, and how you’d had to go through it, the way you had, back then.

“It’s alright to cry, you know.”

Her heart skipped a beat, as soon as your voice - sleepy though it was - sounded out to her left, and she winced upon feeling the tears slowly running down her cheeks, the way she did, then.

She’d hardly noticed her eyes were even watering, before they’d escaped, as she silently cursed herself for getting so distracted, before she carefully turned herself to face you a little more, eyes still shinier than they were before as you didn’t know what to say, nonchalantly watching her as she smiled softly back at you, and god did you feel too warm inside still.

“I thought you were asleep,” she admitted, and you couldn’t help, but grin sheepishly back at her for a moment as you both giggled softly together, and you cautiously reached your left hand up to brush another of her tears away, not wanting ever to have to think of her as being sad again, especially when you didn’t know why yet, the way it was, then.

“I’d rather stay awake, than go to sleep again,” you explained simply, and she raised her eyebrows a little suggestively, only making it harder to breathe than it was before, as you hid your face a bit more, but you knew you couldn’t hide it for long as you glanced back up at her, for a moment, your gaze soon meeting her own so blissfully peaceful again.

You were still mad at yourself for earlier - of course you were; you couldn’t believe you’d snapped at her again, the way you did, and for the smallest of things, no less.

You appeared dejected, then, and it soon made her knowing smile disappear to see you like that, especially after everything.

“Hey, you - you’re safe here, baby - you know that, right?” She inquired softly, and your heart sank even further when you heard her voice trembling again, the way it did, then.

“I know,” you tried to sound convincing; you hated seeing her like this, so you felt as if you should, even if it wasn’t true, and you felt the opposite of safe here - whenever her arms weren’t around you, the way they were, then, anyway.

Her demeanour relaxed a little more, again, at that, and you felt a little better already to see she wasn’t as tense, as she had been, before.

“Good - that - that’s good; I’m happy for you, baby - I’ll always be happy for you, no matter what - okay?”

You hesitated, for a moment; you still felt it wasn’t right, that she was already being so good to you, after how you’d reacted to her, earlier - for not much of a reason, especially.

Sure, it hurt when you heard that she thought you were lying to her, when there had been many times she’d lied to you, herself - whether she’d had to, or not-.. you - you just didn’t know.

And you hoped it would stay that way.

“Thank you,” you managed gently, as you smiled a little warmer up at her, deeming her hopeful again, especially as you inched a little closer to her upon the bed, not liking that there was still some distance between you both, the way there had been some, then.

She’d not wanted to invade your space too much, clearly, when she’d seen how peaceful you were getting to be, a little earlier, by now.

You still wondered why she even bothered doing stuff like that, for you, when all you’d ever done since the day you’d lost her was make things - worse, than they were, before.

You tried to stop thinking about it; tried to tell yourself in silence that you could get over how things had been, before; she was here, now, and that was all that mattered - at least, it should have been, anyway.

“Do you need a hug, Leight?” You inquired timidly, and her heart skipped a beat at the suggestion as she sat up a little more, her eyes glinting slightly as she had to try and find her voice again, for a moment, until she finally managed to get some grip on it again, the way she did, then.

“I - I’d love that, but - what made you want to-?”

You carefully wrapped your arms around her, and her heart stuttered again at having you so close to her, the way you were, then, and she didn’t hesitate as she held you ever closer, resting her chin upon your left shoulder as you buried your face into the crook of her neck again, wishing you could try and be better for her, somehow.

If only it was easier, than just simply thinking of something like that, the way you were, then.

“I’m sorry,” you managed a little more shakily than before, “Leight, I - I’m so-.. I should never have-”

“Don’t,” she cooed gently, though a little more sharply, than before.

You winced, but you hastily shook your head, just wanting her to know that you knew you were wrong, for acting the way you had been, earlier.

“But it’s true, Leighton - I - I was-.. it’s my fault things are still-”

“It’s not,” she contradicted a little more exasperatedly as she held you at arm’s length, eyes never leaving your’s again. “I was the one who pushed you away in the first place, remember? If I hadn’t done what I did, maybe - maybe things would have been different for us; better, o-or - or easier, but - to be honest with you, I’m glad it’s not, b-because-.. fuck, I’m sorry - I’m so sorry, I didn’t want it to be this hard, okay? That’s not what I’m saying, I just want you to know that even - even after everything, I’d do all I could to get here again, because I want to be here with you, Y/n - I always have, okay? I love you so much, a-and - and no matter what happens to us in the future, I will never stop fighting for you-”

You didn’t want to break down again, hastily shaking your head as you tried to fight the tears back; tried to hold what you still had left within you together as you begged her silently to stop, at first, terrified that she’d only get herself hurt if she continued; if she wanted to stay here with you, but even when you tried to voice your concerns, she didn’t give in, as she affectionately connected her forehead to your own again, you sinking against her a little more as you did, not sure what to do with yourself as she held you ever closer, lifting her right hand up to the back of your head again, and somehow it brought you back, as you looked up at her again, revelling within her embrace as your own tears ran too hot, and too fast, but she did you the same delicate favour of brushing each one away as softly as she could, all the while as she tried to make you feel whole inside again, somehow, terrified she could lose you, still, even when you were as close as you were, now, no signs whatsoever of disappearing, at this point in time, blissfully by now.

“Leight-”

You’d managed again, your voice close to a feeble whisper, but she shook her head again, determined to make things right, somehow, as she thought at the same time about everything she’d not done before, too fresh in her head for her liking, the way it was, now, and had been for a little while - at least, anyway.

It had been just bubbling at the surface of her mind, especially since she’d found you again.

So her objective was relatively simple; she had to make it stop, and in doing so she had to bring you back to her, no matter how long it might take her to do so, at this point in time, by now.

“No, Y/n - you need to hear it, okay? I’m not giving up on you - never again, alright? I love you, okay? I fucking love you, Y/n, a-and I thought I could stop, before, but - but when I saw you again it was - it was like-.. I don’t even know, I just - I’m never giving up on you, okay? I’m going to make things right, this time, and whether you - you can, or - or you can’t forgive me, or - or even trust me again after what happened, I-.. It doesn’t change a thing, for me - I’m here for you, now, a-and here’s where I’m going to stay, okay? Always here - I don’t even fucking care how long it could take me to prove everything to you, b-because - because I love you, a-and as long as I can just be here with you, I’m happy - it’s always been like that, for me - always, and it’s not just gonna go away, okay? Don’t ever think you have to apologise to me for anything like what happened earlier, because it’s on me, alright? I know it’s on me; you have every right to be mad at me - you can even hit me, or shout at me, or - or worse if you have to, okay? I just - I want to be right for you, now, and whatever you come up with, I’ll take it, baby - I promise I will - you just have to let me be here, for you, now, and I’m not even asking you to trust me to do that, I just want you to-”

You couldn’t help yourself, at this rate, kissing her unexpectedly just to calm her down, as well as because the feeling always seemed to soothe you from the inside and the outside, too.

It was a double-win, in more ways than one, given it was Leighton especially, and not someone else entirely.

Sure, kissing Harper had had its sweet moments over the months you’d both known each other, by now, but you didn’t think you could compare the way kissing Leighton felt, to how those kisses had felt, before.

And now that you were thinking about it-

“Wait - w-was Harper here, earlier? Or-?”

Leighton tensed up at the mention of the girl, before she shook her head, and tried to think of a good enough excuse to get out of the situation, somehow, sooner rather than later, by now.

Especially after she’d basically told Harper that you both had ended up fully having sex, in the end, and not to mention more than once.

She wished, anyway, since it had been a while since she’d been able to go that far with you - well, beyond the many wonders of foreplay, anyway.

“E-Er, yeah - she - erm - she was, but - she said it was just because she left something here, so-.. yeah,” she managed, “I didn’t want her to disturb you too much, basically, so - so I got her out quickly, don’t worry.”

“So-.. she did - y’know, see me like-.. like I was?” You guessed, and Leighton’s heart sank when she noticed your eyes darken a little, as if you still blamed yourself for even going to sleep in the first place, like you had, before.

“Y-Yeah, kinda,” she answered truthfully, and you cursed barely audibly, but she hastily shook her head as you did, not wanting you to get mad at yourself over something as small as that, “what does it even matter, baby? She doesn’t need to know, o-or concern herself with anything about what happened, a-and even if she does end up being funny about it, then she just doesn’t deserve you, okay? Y-You know that, don’t you?”

“You look about redder than I’ve ever seen you,” you mused, and Leighton winced, before trying to hide her face all over again.

“Yeah, well, that - that doesn’t matter either, so-”

“You really don’t like her, do you?” You guessed, and Leighton tried not to appear frustrated, shaking her head as she tried to find the right words to say again, only to have them fail her, miserably all over again. “It’s okay - you can be jealous if you want to-”

“I’m not jealous, Y/n; I’m the one here with you, right now, aren’t I? Just go back to sleep, you dork,” she remarked a little brighter than before, albeit still quite breathlessly, and you raised your eyebrows, before allowing her to carefully ease you down upon the bed further, your eyes never leaving her own, as she did.

“I love you,” you managed, gently, and her heart stuttered again as she admired you for a moment, a soft smile playing on her lips again as she nodded slowly, before letting her own head rest upon the space beside your’s, eyes glinting brighter where the moonlight reflected off of them, allowed by your exposed bedroom window, the way it was behind you.

“Good - that means you have a great taste in women, honestly,” she teased further, and you couldn’t help, but giggle softly again as she toothily grinned alongside you, and she remembered thinking for a moment she couldn’t believe you were still letting her stay here with you, the way you were, blissfully now.

It was the luckiest she’d ever felt in a little while, and - in a way - she felt-.. fuller, being here beside you.

But she still had a vow to make, you just needed to be on the verge of sleep, when she knew you wouldn’t try and protest again to everything she wished she could do for you.

It took longer than she thought it would, but at least it was worth it.

You’d spent more of your time admiring one another than sleeping, for a little while, but slowly you grew to be more and more exhausted overtime, though it frustrated you to think that you couldn’t stay awake with her, the way you wished you could, right now.

As your eyes grew to be even more heavy lidded, Leighton knew it was almost time as she smiled lovingly back at you, her forehead delicately caressing your own again as she hummed quietly for you a soft version of ‘Clocks’ by Coldplay, and you knew in an instant then that she must have remembered the time you’d both found out that one of your favourite films growing up had been called ‘The Wild’; you thought she would have forgotten that you liked it, too, until she’d begun to hum the main melody of it, the way she did, then.

It soothed you, more than you thought possible.

Made you feel more alive than ever, except you couldn’t bring yourself to try and hum alongside her, much too tired at this point to do so as you saw echoes in your head of how she’d looked at you, the night she’d first met you at the bar, that day.

You remembered thinking her eyes were the most beautiful you’d ever seen, and even more so when her addictive smile reached them, the way they had, as soon as her gaze had fell upon you, that first time.

You soon seeped further into the memory, not even realising you were falling asleep so slowly as you did, Leighton stroking your hair again as you did as you melted into her embrace; you’d never felt so safe before, the way you did, then.

She wondered how anyone could look so beautiful as you, almost forgetting what she was staying awake for, as she winced again, and inched timidly closer to you to close the gap between you both even more, somehow.

“Y/n-?” She cooed delicately, wanting to check if you had really fallen asleep, at this point, and the answer of silence told her that she was in the clear, prompting her expression to soften, though she still looked nervous all the same as she relocated her right hand to your left cheek, your soft skin addictive under her palm, before she drew in a barely audible shaky breath, and tried to find the right words she could use to make her determined vow to you again, without you trying to stop her from doing so, this time around.

“O-Okay, good - you’re - you’re asleep, now - I, erm - I just wanted - I wanted to say first that - that I - I love you, Y/n; I always have, and I always will, no matter what, but - I - I also wanted to say that - even if you can’t forgive me, o-or trust me again after-.. I will always be here for you, okay? I’ll be the best you’ve ever known, baby, no matter what - I just-.. wish I could show you, more, a-and - yeah.. that’s basically all I wanted to say, I just-.. y’know, but-.. sleep well, baby, and maybe - just maybe - I’ll try and make you breakfast in the morning; it’s - it’s a start, anyway.”

Except it hadn’t gone as well as she’d planned, by the time the sun had come up, and so stressfully, all over again.

☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽

Thank you so much for reading, guys!

I was toying with the next part being the finale, but from where I ended the last one it would have meant that there would only be 2k words of reading left so I thought I should make it a longer one for all of my lovely supporters! I hope this format was preferable, but if you have any suggestions for me for future reference I’ll take them into consideration as best I can!

I look forward to writing for Leighton again honestly, and I hope you’re looking forward to the next instalment whenever I manage to finally share it with you again!

Until then, I hope you all have a lovely rest of the day/night, and I look forward to seeing you again, soon!

For now, I have been - as usual,

And as always,

Your ever faithful, H.H. 💜

☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽

[insoukokuhell-434]

Angst with a Happy Ending - skk fics

The format I’m using is:

Title - writer (ao3 link)

Angst related to ( )

Fic length Time period (teen/mafia skk, 22! Skk, all ages) Additional tags (Tags in bold added by me for extra info) TW

Some fics have parts of the summary/ comments added for additional info

Recovery - rutu14

Chuuya in Emotional & Physical Pain

Dazai in Emotional Pain

Dazai's Self-harm

11.4k 22 SKK (Post Dead Apple) Hurt/Comfort Post-Corruption, Angst, Confessions, Soft Dazai Osamu (or at least as soft as he can be), Reconciliation, Getting together, First kiss, Literal sleeping together TW -  Implied Chronic Pain, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction

my soul is too much charged with blood of thine- soupthatistoohot

Past Break-up

Soukoku in Emotional Pain

Dazai's Depression

10.4k TEEN & 23 SKK (AU) AU - No Powers, After College/University, High School Exes to Lovers, Chance Meetings, Post-Break Up, Past SKK but also present ;),  Getting Back Together, vaguely, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Texting, reconnecting, Dazai is a Mess, Caring Dazai, as caring as he can be y'know how he is, Guarded Dazai,  that man can't be vulnerable for the life of him, Chuuya Is So Done, Caring Chuuya, skk’s Unconventional Mating Rituals, Macbeth Spoilers, I can't believe I have to tag that

Sleep Warm Tonight - bluemango0406

Dazai's Defection

Dazai & Chuuya in Emotional Pain

16.6k ALL AGES (16-22) Canon Compliant Dazai is Bad at Feelings, Dazai is a Mess, Soft Dazai Osamu, Chuuya Needs a Hug, Hurt Chuuya, theres a lot they need to figure out between them, Dazai Takes Care of Chuuya, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Lack of Communication, they need to learn to talk about their feelings more, Underage Drinking, Christmas fic

I'll Always Come for Chuuya - Anonymous

Soukoku Fight

Chuuya in Emotional & Physical Pain

Dazai in Emotional Pain

11.5k MAFIA SKK Some Dazai & Oda, Jealous Chuuya, Dazai Being An Idiot, Dazai is Bad at Feelings, Lack of Communication, Chuuya Uses Corruption, Mutual Pining, Hurt/Comfort, Dazai Takes Care of Chuuya, Confessions, Soft skk, they're more best friends than frenemies in this one

I think he knows - sanguinekitten

Dazai’s Depression

Chuuya in Emotional Pain

Soukoku Fight

5.2k ALL AGES Canon Compliant Angst, 5+1 Things, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Dazai needs a hug...and some medical attention

pages stained with crimson ink - soupthatistoohot

Dazai's Depression

ALL AGES 5k Birthday Presents, Birthday Tradition, Post-Corruption Ability Use, Retrospective, 5+1 Things, Getting Together, Sort Of, Dazai's depression

For One Day - StarshipDancer

"Unrequited" Love

Soukoku in Emotional Pain

Soukoku Fight

15.9K 22 (AU) AU - Modern Setting Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Misunderstandingsm Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, First Kiss, Getting Together, Love Confessions, Soft skk, POV Chuuya, POV Oda, Curry References TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide Mentions  

believe me darling, the stars were made for falling -communist_sasuke

Dazai’s Depression, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt

14.6k MAFIA & 22 SKK Worried Chuuya, Love Confessions, Dazai is a Mess, Angst, Self-Harm , Fluff & Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon timeline, First Kiss TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide Mentions , Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt

Run Away With Me - Anonymous

Dazai's Grief

5.3k Dark Era Grief/Mourning, Dissociation, Suicidal Thoughts, Soft Soukoku, Dazai Needs a Hug , Dazai Has Feelings, Pining, Cuddling & Snuggling, Sharing a Bed, Chuuya Needs a Hug, Kissing, Dazai asks Chuuya to run away with him

A Stupid Question - writingfromtheshadows

Dazai's Grief

Soukoku Argue

5.8k 18 SKK (Dark Era) AU - Canon Divergence Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Light Angst, Fluff

Summary - “Chuuya,” Dazai’s voice tugs Chuuya out of his thoughts, “I’m leaving the Port Mafia as soon as I can after tonight. I want you to come with me.”

Unmarked - rubydragonz

Dazai in Emotional Pain

2.7k ALL AGES AU - soulmates Soulmates, Miscommunication, Dazai being An Idiot, First Kiss, minor Oda/Ango, minor sskk, Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, This is funny but like at Dazais expense

dreaming of flight - orphan_account

Soukoku Fight

3.8 k  MAFIA SKK Fluff, Arguments, Suicide Attempt, angst and fluff

Please like/reblog if this helped u find a fic, I'd be delighted to know <33

Angst & Fluff fics

Soukoku Fic Rec Masterlist

[youdontknowhowtodiequietly]

This is mad long, bare with, or don't lmao

TW's for: References to depression, r*pe, a*use towards women, and a bunch of other women rights related issues. I don't go in depth, but they are very much there. Be careful. Look after your mental health, please. Also a smidgen of spoilers for the Barbie movie at the end.

So, this whole tangent began with the Barbie movie. I've wrote all my thoughts down in a notebook, that's how I know what I'm going to type - vaguely. This will seem insane to have come from the Barbie movie, but I think it will hopefully be coherent. (Not like anyone will read this, lol. I am NOT anywhere near popular enough for this to even get a comment but here we go)

Right. A bit of context to my life. Since I was about 14, I have always felt that I am some sort of trans. For a while I thought I was non-binary, then I thought I was gender-fluid, then (a recent development) I thought I was a guy. So, you can imagine the absolute loop I have been thrown through when I realised that what I might have been feeling is internalised, borderline, misogyny.

Wild right? Let me explain.

Since I was 11, I have repeatedly heard the horrors of being female in this world. The rape/murders that happen on a daily basis. The horrors towards women in the past. The continued disregard for female autonomy. The abuse faced at the hands of people who are supposed to protect us. It's all horrific. Not only this, but I have seen, heard, learnt, about the way society completely destroys women. The lack of acknowledgement for the pain of females', the constant dismissal of mental illnesses, physical illnesses and disabilities (this also happens with males, too, I am aware, especially in the mental health department, but this section of this post is about people with the female anatomy.) The blatant disregard towards women who report abusive partners or stalkers is disgusting. (And that is just in 1st World countries where human rights are supposed to be the best. The horrors that happen in other countries are worse, but I am writing about what I know. I cannot say anything about other countries other than I know that there are some truly atrocious things happening to women in a lot of them because I am not educated on those situations. But believe me, I see it.) I see people AFAB lament the horrors of having the female anatomy. The wish to not have periods, or a uterus at all. The constant pressure put on women to look a certain way all the time. To not be too thin or too fat, not have too much hair but have enough that it doesn't look like you're trying too hard, etc. Honestly, the Gloria speech in Barbie is the best one I have ever heard about what it's like to be a woman. I see people expressing disgust at pregnancies, how they never wish to have one because it'll make them look ugly, or because of the complications that come with it. I have seen it, and do see it, all. For the past 7 years I have seen it all.

Can you imagine how much that has f-ed me up? I'm sure you can, because I'm sure it's also true for a lot of you.

All of this has made me hate the idea of being a woman.

When I was in my early years of high school (I'm in the UK and we start high school at 11 and finish at 16) I always said how I would "love to be a boy" because I always saw it as easier. I hated being a girl because everything was so shit. And that carried on into my later years of high school.

As I was introduced to the wonderful different gender identities that exist, I began reading and hearing stories of how trans/non-binary/gender-fluid, etc, people felt before they realised they were what they are. And I thought, "oh, damn. That me." So I began experimenting with labels. But even whilst I did that, whilst I played around with pronouns, names, hairstyles, clothing, I always felt this deep want to wear pretty dresses and have long hair. But I rejected those wants because I was "trans/non-binary/gender-fluid now and if I want those things then I can't be any of those." Which, yes, I know, is very binary of me. I understand that anyone can wear pretty dresses and skirts and have ling, flowy hair that they place sparkly pins in. I know. But you have to understand how damn difficult it is to ignore the stuff you have been taught all your life. I wanted to be called she/her but at the same time rejected those feelings because the thought of being a woman made me sick.

But then I watched the Barbie movie.

Now, I don't remember my childhood much. I don't know if it was what you would call "traditional girlhood." But I know it was good. And I know many AFAB have experienced horrendous childhoods, which hurts me to think about every time. But when I saw the ending of the Barbie movie. When the videos of those girls and women were playing. I felt something in me. I'm sure you've all heard different renditions of how the montage made women feel, and a lot of them is how I would describe how I felt. So, I won't get into it. But just know I felt a shift in me.

As well as that montage, other things in the movie got to me. The inherent femininity of it, for one. I know from discussions with other people, and from seeing many videos/blogs online, that what I'm going to mention is a common experience for a lot of AFAB. I hated the colour pink. Despised it. I only very very recently, before the Barbie movie, began admitting that the colour wasn't so bad. But the Barbie movie made me think that, omg, I might actually love the colour. Alongside the colour pink, I loved the outfits of the Barbies'. They were so freeing to see. As I wrote previously, I wanted to wear pretty skirts and dresses and have pretty hairstyles, but always refused to acknowledge that. Seeing the Barbies' in their overtly feminine clothing (again, I know I'm leaning into gender binary but please give me some slack. It's hard to write when you're not a novelist) made me feel giddy. I saw them and was like "pretty pretty pretty" and not just because all the women were beautiful lmao. It lit up a spark of joy in me seeing them dress in those clothes. That's how I can best describe my feelings. I just suddenly felt that I could wear those things. Weird, huh?

Another thing in the movie is the portrayal of happy older women.

This again links with the video montage, but also links with the old lady at the beginning of the movie saying she knows she's beautiful, with Ruth Handler being so gentle with Stereotypical Barbie and not ridiculing her for being stupid or naive. It also links with Gloria. I freaking loved Gloria. All of these portrayals made me so happy because it gave me a sudden sense of hope that I will be okay one day.

As someone with severe depression and probably autism/ADHD, who doesn't remember not being depressed, that really spoke to me. These women were happy. They were okay with themselves. No, the LOVED themselves. It was beautiful.

This movie healed me, just a bit, and let me make the first real steps to healing fully. I'm still not 100% sure about my gender identity, but tbh I don't quite care. I'm starting to wear makeup often, starting to take care of my body better. I also bought a cute little Stitch dress lmao, and a white, frilly tank-top with purple flowers on it. I'm embracing my feminine side and I've never felt more free.

It's a wonderful feeling. I'm surprised myself that this all came from a Barbie movie. But, at the same time, I think I was beginning to realise this about myself before the movie. Having finished college and not needing to worry about Uni as I'm not going has given me the freedom to actually look at myself, internally, and ask "what do I feel?" Again, linking back to the Barbie movie when Ruth says, "Take my hands...Now, feel." And I have done. I've asked what my brain needs, and it's full of pretty dresses and pretty hairstyles and warmth and a want to live again.

I'm aware that this may seem silly to a lot of people. Maybe even childish. But I don't care. And that's a lot for an 18 year old to say, because many people my age, and older, do care. A lot.

This has just been an introspection, but I chose to share it because maybe it will help other people.

(Also, heavy disclaimer if you got this far. I don't know what terms are still used now, or how they're used. And writing about girl/womanhood and femininity whilst also trying to be inclusive to those who have the female anatomy but don't identify as a woman, and those who don't have the female anatomy but identify as women is very difficult. So, I deeply apologise if I used the term AFAB wrong, or if it is no longer an accepted term. Also, if anything else in this post is wrong/offensive or incorrect, again I'm sorry. Please let me know what is wrong and how to fix it and I will do my best to edit this post with the updated terminology/fixes.)

[aeternaluminanoctis]

venting about the appointment, tw fake-claiming

So that was a fucking shit show as expected. Love being told to our faces by this psychiatrist that he "doesn't know if he believes in multiple personality disorder" as Kai tried her damn best to push and advocate that our symptoms are hindering us. But he believes in dissociation at least so there's that!!/sar

Fucking hate psychiatrists. The ENTIRE TIME Kai was on the verge of switching out with Rion all because this stupid fuck wanted to shove more meds down our throat because "this helped with my dissociation" Hello?? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! WHO GIVES A FUCK IF IT HELPS HIM IT DIDNT HELP US! Oh and let's not mention he straight up asked us "do you have any trauma that might have caused that?" upon Kai vaguely referring to how long we've known a specific protector as been around.

Yeah let's just calmly recount TRAUMA. I swear to fucking god if we don't get an actual therapy appointment soon or a call telling us we are scheduled for the psych eval I'm gonna front next time. I don't give a shit anymore. This shit is HINDERING OUR LIFE! WE HAVENT MESSAGED PEOPLE IN MONTHS! WEVE BEEN ASKING FOR HELP FOR MONTHS! I know this shit takes years but fuck shouldn't we at least be in therapy by now?!?

NOT TO MENTION KAI AND KURO BOTH MENTIONED IN DETAIL HOW IT AFFECTS US AT WORK! THEY BOTH TRIED THEIR BEST TO EXPLAIN TO THIS FUCK FACE WHY THIS WAS BAD! Oh but "the only meds that really help are anti-depressants." Great. WHAT ABOUT THE THERAPY AND PSYCH EVAL WEVE ASKED FOR EVERY SINGLE CALL AND VISIT?!

I'm pissed as hell. "Oh keep a journal next time it happens" ....LIKE WE HAVEN'T TRIED YHAT SHIT.

Fuck. Fuck this. Trying to get help was a mistake. These people never fucking care about us. They only care about shoving meds down our throats so they can line their pockets.

-Vanitas

[empatheticagent]

Character Development Ask: Do you feel like you have a good grasp of who you are as an individual? Or do you get lost in the thoughts and emotions of those around you that you're possibly not always just...you?

“Thankfully I can’t read their thoughts. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wonder about wha they’re thinking, especially when I know they’re not doing good.

I don’t have a great grasp on my own personality at the moment, no.

…how can I?

It’s changed a lot both since my powers activated and since Clay was killed and…and I started getting bad.

It…depends what’s meant by ‘not just me’. Like, I feel like someone entirely different, or just that I can’t tell whether my emotions are really mine or not? Because…the second one absolutely is an issue.

If I’m feeling off, it’s hard to say if a nearby person has been effected, or if I’m feeling off because I’m near them in the first place. And uh- there’s the whole ‘are these my emotions projected, or am I picking up theirs?’ which creates…alot of issues, especially when I’m around the person a lot…”

[angstyandromanticwriting]

☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽

☦︎︎ “𝑰’𝒎 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖.” ☦︎︎

☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾���☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽

A Leighton Murray X Fem!Reader Angsty, Cute, and Fluffy Prompt

[The Full Version - Part Three]

Minors DNI!!!

* (Working with some hefty topics here, as well as some quite explicit smut features along the way, basically!)

Takes place mainly after the events of season 3, as well as occasionally drifting back to events proceeding even before season 1 takes place!

Heavy WIP!!!

* I may have already made some mistakes somewhere; trust me to do that, honestly!

I sincerely apologise for my invasion of the story, as well (or do I?)

Word Count [Exclusive to this Part]: standing around 11.1k!

I hope you enjoy it; there will be more!

!TW(s) [to be expected]: deals in depression + PTSD + anxiety + separation anxiety, self-doubt + self-hatred, handles break-ups, handles suicidal attempts + consideration, masturbation (vague) + smut (explicit), handles topics + types of abuse, smoking, handles a car accident + a love-triangle, matters of hospitality, online ghosting, handles idea/topics of death, swearing + sexual references, jealousy, handles financial struggle/poverty, inadvertent cheating, substance abuse + consideration, feeling + being sick, drugs + alcohol, some nudity, blood, handles weaponry, handles panic attacks + injury detail - if I’ve missed any here, please feel free to let me know; thank you!

Favour/Let’s Dance in Bars

XI

As soon as you’d managed to get out, feeling positively more sick than you ever had, before, you were surprised to run into Leighton again outside. She looked - scared, as she cautiously approached you.

You heavily leaned against the brick wall opposite the building, not daring to look over at her for long as you kept your gaze low, trying to take deep breaths as if it would keep the nausea away for longer than you needed it to, right now, the way you did, then.

“You - er, okay? You look-..” She faltered, and you grunted as you tried to recompose yourself, eyelids a little heavier as you looked toward her, for a brief few moments, anyway.

You knew you would be sick, though, if you kept your head up for any longer than you did, before.

“What - What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be-?” You inquired, only to almost gag as you did, prompting you to wince again as you shook your head, before bowing your head even lower than before.

“I was-..” She sighed, before looking toward the building opposite, but at the same time she didn’t want to lie to you, especially not about Nico, but right now she didn’t know how it would make you feel, if she told you she’d seen your car was gone, and decided to come looking for you here herself - assuming you would hopefully be here, anyway, which you thankfully were, she could see, by now. “I wanted to come and check on Nico, so-.. I didn’t think-.. I’m sorry-”

“Then why are you out here, and not in there? Why - Why would you come here to check on me, instead of go in and leave me, huh? I’m clearly not that important, if you thought you should hide me from your friend, back there-”

“Yeah, well, it’s not like I wanted-..” She sighed, before shaking her head as she tried to recompose herself again, realising she’d snapped a bit once such an assumption had slipped your lips, the way it had, then. “Look, if - if it makes you feel any better at all, I-.. I don’t know why I kissed you, okay? So-.. I don’t know, I just-.. I probably shouldn’t have let it happen, and I’m sorry for that, okay? I really am, I just-.. I just wanted-.. I don’t even know what I wanted, Y/n, but-.. I never wanted to hurt you, okay? I could never-.. even think of hurting you like that, a-and it just-.. it sucks because it’s not like I even planned for it to happen, I just-.. Y/n, you - you mean - so much more to me, than - than I could ever mean to myself. A-And because of that my girlfriend is - probably about done with me, and-.. and now we’re here, so-.. Y/n, I-.. d-do you think we could-?”

Too many thoughts, all at once. They itched at your brain, and in turn, you couldn’t fight much back anymore as you felt delirious with it, before you eventually gave into the feeling, prompting you to throw up upon the ground beneath you.

Leighton winced, but it panicked her more than anything.

“Shit-!” She managed, her voice close to a whisper, and you spluttered a little, small tears burning at your eyes as you cried quietly with it, sniffling softly as you shook your head, wondering why you were even still here, at this point. You could just run; you knew you could, but you didn’t know if you had the willpower enough to make it very far, anyway. And - somehow - Leighton always had the power to stabilise you, just enough, you relaxing a little more as she drew closer to you, eyes wider than they were, before. “Er, o-okay, so - this is happening,” she began again, her voice a little more high-pitched, too, and you wished you could just disappear, not wanting to scare her any further than you had already - that much was clear, anyway, at this point in time, by now. “Like, right now,” she added a little softer, trying to think quickly as she carefully hooked her right arm around your waist, you leaning a little against her as she held you close to her protectively - maybe too close, but she had other things to worry about right now than how close she wanted you to be to her, the way you were, then. “It’s okay; I’ve got you, okay? Let’s get you inside, and I think I remember where the closest set of toilets are, so-”

“No, Leight, I - I’m fine - don’t-”

“You’re not fine; I can see you’re not, just let me-”

You’d begun to struggle - albeit begrudgingly - much to her dismay, right now.

“Let go of me, Leight!” You cried, your voice weaker than before, as you tried not to be sick again, not wanting - especially - to get it on her, too, the way you were in danger of possibly doing, considering how close you both were, right now.

“Not until I know you’re okay! Which you very much aren’t, by the way, before you try and say you are again and spew that bullshit like you did, before-”

“Leight, please, just - just stop, I - I can’t-”

You staggered a little, feeling almost feverish as you managed to push her away from you, as gently as you could, so you could let your knees buckle beneath you, before you spluttered again toward the floor, vision blurrier than it was, before, and you’d not even taken the pills yet, like you’d been intending to do so, at some point, tonight - at least, anyway.

Leighton didn’t know what to do, feeling helpless as she watched, even when you seemed to be done, breathing heavily as you sat back again, another stray tear trailing down your cheek again, as you did.

“Is it-.. is it over, or-?” She asked, though she felt stupid for doing so after, but you didn’t answer, instead forcing yourself up off of the ground, avoiding her gaze as she tracked your every move like a hawk, wondering if she should help you keep stable again, or was it just because she wanted to hold you up again, the way she had before?

She winced, remembering how it had made the fluttering come back, her being able to hold you like that, the way she had, then. She almost smiled softly in your direction, if it weren’t for the situation at hand here, right now.

“I - I think-.. I think I need to-.. to go, I’m sorry,” you managed, eventually, your voice cracking a little, and she appeared a little dejected at that, but she guessed she was expecting it, after all, as she nodded gravely, and relocated her gaze again.

“It’s - probably for the best, right? I mean-.. being sick like that - it’s - it’s not-”

“Yeah, so, I’ll - I’ll see you around, okay?” You murmured, a little more half-heartedly, and Leighton’s heart sank, but she tried to ignore the feeling, wincing as she nodded in a forced manner, managing a faint smile back at you at the same time, but you didn’t dare look up at her again as you nodded your head respectfully in her direction, before you made toward your car, and fumbled with the bottle in your pocket, seemingly over and over again, at this point in time, by now.

XII

You’d been taking Zopiclone for a little while now. They’d said it would help keep the insomnia away, but-..

You dared to gesture otherwise - in your personal opinion, anyway.

Once you’d got back home, you were perched lazily upon the sofa of you and Aurora’s apartment, your stomach hardly settled after what had happened not too long ago now, especially when you recalled how Leighton had been holding you, the way she had, back there.

You sighed heavily, before shaking your head; there was no point in being hopeful, and - besides, even if there were still something between you both, for whatever reason, you didn’t think you could be enough for it to work out, in the end. There had already been so many fuck-ups, at this point, that you hated yourself for it.

You should have told her about Harper; she should have told you about Alicia; she shouldn’t have kissed you, and you shouldn’t have kissed her. It was simple.

At least, you told yourself it was, anyway.

You hesitantly pushed yourself up into an upright position, so you could take the miniature bottle up in your right hand again, before unscrewing the lid, and letting the blue dangers spill out upon the wooden surface of the coffee table before you.

There were so many other things, too, besides your ‘situation-ship’ with Leighton Murray.

You should never have let Aurora convince you to go through with the branch extension alongside Eva - if you’d never let her bring you back here, the crash wouldn’t have happened, and you wouldn’t have seen Leighton at the hospital, although - you weren’t sure how exactly you felt about not seeing her again, either.

You tried to push the thoughts away, just wanting to focus on your main task at hand here, but now that you were thinking about it, everything seemed to weigh down further upon you as if a ton of bricks were being shoved upon you, holding you down like glue to paper, fish to water, and birds to feathers.

There was your dad, too, underneath it all. You still wondered sometimes if he weighed most of all upon your shoulders, the way he had all those years ago now, too.

You cursed quietly, before shaking your head, and sweeping the pills into the palm of your left hand. It was now, or never, that you could finally do this properly. You’d even brought in a bottle of wine - hopefully heavy enough - to add to the chance that you could overdose without hope of revival.

You’d just been - thinking about it, for a while. It had infected you over the course of a few years, even when you were at your happiest, which were limited down to a few moments at a time, now.

It was then that it hit you the most, you thought, as you stared down at the tablets shaking in your hand.

“Shit,” you whispered shakily, as you closed your fingers over them, looking toward the bottle of wine, before you reached for it, and unscrewed the top of it using your free hand. It had to be ready, when you finally worked your confidence up enough to consume the pills, whenever you were ready to do so.

You told yourself that it wouldn’t matter, if you left. It would be better, for them; you’d no longer be in their way - Aurora would be happy; she wouldn’t have to wake up and console you anymore; fight with you anymore, like you did sometimes. Leighton would be happy; she could make up with Alicia, and you wouldn’t make things any further complicated, the way you had, already. Eva could probably find a better chef than you - let’s be honest. There was that one time you’d almost blown the kitchen up, early on into your career, but-.. hopefully, it wouldn’t happen anymore now.

Not now that you were sure you could disappear.

You’d almost convinced yourself enough, your left hand so close to letting the pills in as small tears ran warm down your face, and you were sure you would have done it when you thought it would take the pain away, until there was a knock on the door, and you were startled out of your thoughts again.

When you’d gone, Leighton had been unsure of what to do.

To try and distract herself, she asked if she could see Nico in the room you’d previously been in with Aurora.

Harper had begrudgingly led her there, though it had been even more awkward between them than it had been, between you and her before.

She’d thought about apologising; about saying anything just to make it less quiet, than it was, then.

The look on Harper’s face was enough to deter her, looking akin to pure hatred, right now, and it was something she just didn’t want to have to deal with, in that moment in time, especially considering she didn’t know what she’d done wrong, when you’d not told her about Harper, yourself.

Then again, she knew she’d messed up, too, not saying anything about Alicia, until it was too late to - herself, anyway.

Nico had been asleep, by the time she’d got there.

It made her smile at least a little, to see him so peaceful, the way he was then, but it didn’t settle the bad feeling she got that something was wrong; out of place; shifting - it terrified her.

It was partly the reason why she wanted to go and see you, the way she did, then.

Practically as soon as she’d parked her own car outside of her not-so-secret to you apartment, she timidly looked toward your own across the road, her heart skipping a beat a little when she noticed the lights were still on inside, but she didn’t go over first thing, instead she got out of the car, a cardboard tray holding two identical cardboard cups, resting upon the passenger seat that had been beside her as she disappeared inside her apartment, and closed the door behind her again.

Your hands were shakier than they’d ever been before as you almost dropped the pills, alongside the bottle of wine still resting within your right hand.

“Fuck,” you cursed again as you cautiously looked down at the table again, before setting the bottle and blue dangers down again as you carefully got up, and warily walked toward the hallway leading out to the entrance of your apartment again.

You thought about asking who was there, but you knew it would probably be stupid, and - at the same time - you didn’t know if you should even answer, before you could take yourself away from it all.

You sighed heavily, before shaking your head; you shouldn’t get distracted, but when they knocked again, you flinched, tensing up a little, but it was when you heard the voice that came through that you faltered again, the same fluttering coming back like it had, the first time.

You still remembered it, but you didn’t have much time to think it over, as Leighton spoke up again, and your heart seemed to drop once more.

“Y/n? C’mon, I know you’re in there - please open the door; I just - if I upset you earlier, I don’t know-.. but - can I at least try and make it up to you? Please?” She pried, sounding exasperated even beyond the door keeping her away from you, the way it was, now.

You didn’t know where to even look, anymore; you kept your head low, thinking maybe she’d go soon if-

“Y’know, if you think I’m not going to stay here, until you let me see you, you’re gravely mistaken - and that’s me being serious, I promise you that much, okay? Besides, it’s not like I came with nothing; I brought you a hot drink, and a movie, I mean - if that’s not a luxury apology, I don’t know what is, at this point.” You winced, looking toward the door again as you wondered why she was even trying, especially after all that had already taken place today, the way it did, earlier, now. “So - are you gonna let me in, or-? I don’t think people trust me down this road, anymore; there’s already been some neighbours passing by, and-”

You decided to put her out of her misery; it was cold out, anyway, and if she only wanted to see you, then maybe… well, you’d figure it out soon enough - you always did, whenever it came down to situations such as these, by now.

You sighed heavily, before walking toward the door again, and opening it up to reveal her leaning against the wall behind her, looking apprehensive, until her gaze met your own again, and a sheepish smile couldn’t help, but find itself a way to play upon her lips, all over again, the way it did, then.

It fast got hard to breathe, just - seeing her before you again, especially when she’d turned to face you properly, her eyes glinting all the more as she did. It was almost unbearable. Almost too much for you to take, but.. you couldn’t take any chances of being distracted anymore, as you cleared your throat, before making to speak up again as you did, heart being too fast, the way it had earlier; well, for pretty much almost the whole day, by now.

“What’s up? I mean - why d’you wanna apologise to me?” You asked, your voice still close to a whisper as it cracked a little, only making you feel worse, all over again, as you tried to cover it, albeit unsuccessfully.

Leighton appeared worried again, hearing you like this; seeing you like this - you seemed-.. more pale, than you did, earlier, your eyes slightly more red, as if you’d been crying a lot more than you did, earlier today.

She tried to brush it off, but it didn’t sit well with her - not at all, as she even subconsciously allowed her gaze to drift over your left shoulder, but you shook your head hastily, and she allowed her gaze to fall back upon you again, albeit begrudgingly, the way she did, then.

“Leight-”

“Chai Latte?” She interjected too brightly, and you appeared taken aback as she offered you your beverage, and as soon as you’d taken it, she began to meander around you, you panicking a little as you shook your head hastily, rushing up behind her again.

“Leight, don’t-! I - I don’t want you to-”

She didn’t stop, and you could feel the moment everything went wrong; could feel the moment she’d seen your attempt before her, her demeanour faltering as soon as she stopped in the doorframe leading into your living room, gaze stuck to the table; the tablets, in particular, still strewn together upon the surface as she shook her head subconsciously, before her eyes trailed over to the bottle of wine, and the loose - as well as neatly folded - plain white sheets that were perched beside it, the way they were, casually then.

“Leight,” you continued a little more feebly, unable to stop it as the tears came faster, and your expression contorted a bit more as you didn’t know what else to do, now, gradually beginning to find yourself breaking down again as she shook her head again once more, her chest rising and falling too quickly - much like your own - as she walked closer to the table, and looked closer at the pieces of paper, one bearing Aurora’s name, then Eva’s, followed by Harper’s, and then-.. her own.

She didn’t know why she did it, as she reached to pick up her own again.

Your eyes widened at the action as you shook your head hastily, lips moving for a moment without sound, before you found your voice again, but it was too late once the sheet was in her hands, before she realised - like she’d suspected, that it was a letter, once she unfolded it properly.

“Leight, no - please - please just - just stop - don’t read it - please don’t read it, Leight, I - I swear I’ll - I’ll do anything you want, just don’t-”

It was too late - much too late, by now, as she sat down upon the sofa you’d been perched upon before, tears threatening to invade her own vision, as she read your words slowly, you crying quietly as she did, leaning awkwardly against the doorframe.

XIII

She didn’t have to read for long.

In your - ‘letter’, albeit more like a note, in regard to what you’d written down for her - were simply the words ‘I’m sorry’.

She stared down at them, subconsciously read them over and over. It didn’t make the pain she experienced any better, as she looked up at you with a hurt look on her face, accompanied by a dejected tint to her now glistening eyes, alongside your own, but you didn’t dare speak, until she spoke up for you.

“You were going to leave me again, weren’t you? Leave all of us? And - And for what? Why the fuck would you-? What the hell, Y/n? A-And that’s all you could come up with? You’re sorry? What, you’re sorry that you’re trying to leave again, or-? What are you sorry for, exactly? Making me feel like shit? Like - Like I had to pretend I was okay, all that time, when I realised you were gone, only for you to-?”

She fell quiet again, her voice trembling even more as you kept your head low, trying not to break down any further than you already had.

“It’s-.. It’s not like that, Leight-”

“Oh, really? ‘Cause that’s what it feels like - no, Y/n; you can’t just say you’re sorry, not after everything, okay? Not like this-”

“Leight, please,” you begged, and she hesitated for a moment, before sighing gravely, and averting her gaze begrudgingly all over again.

“You have literally a minute to explain, but after that - I’m going to be doing the talking, okay?” She bargained, and you appeared taken aback, and you considered thanking her, but when she raised her eyebrows, you knew you should get a move on again.

“I wanted-.. I wanted to say more to you, but-.. I was scared, Leight. I - I didn’t know what you’d think if - if I-.. look, it’s not like I wanted to do this - I mean, I did - I - I do, but-.. Leight, I-.. things have been-..”

Leighton’s expression softened a little as she glanced over at you, but it didn’t make her feel anymore at ease - well, apart from the relief she faced over the fact that you were still here with her.

If she’d not decided to come here, though, what would have-?

She winced at the thought, trying to push it out of her head, as she turned to face you a little more again, before carefully holding your right hand within her left one again.

“I-.. I’m sorry - Y/n, I-.. I should have-.. I should have been here-.. more, for you, I-.. I should never have-”

“No, Leight,” you cooed gently, “please don’t-”

“But it’s true - it’s always been-.. when-.. when I lost you, that day, I just-.. I didn’t even know if I could take it, but.. somehow, I’m still here, and-.. and I-.. I’m glad I am, because it means I get another chance to - to try and make things right again, I-.. I’ve always wanted-..”

She sighed, evidently frustrated that she couldn’t find the right words again.

“But-.. Leight, why? Why did we-? Why would you even want me to be here anymore? Why would you-?”

“Don’t even fucking say something like that to me,” she answered, without hesitation, “Y/n, you - you know how much you mean to me; you mean everything to me - you always have; I - I can’t just let you go like that, you know I-..”

She fell quiet again, a pained expression on her face when she noticed the wounded look on your’s again.

“Y/n, I-”

“What changed, Leight?” You inquired simply, and she faltered in response to the question, evidently not expecting it, but she tried to respond, all the same, regardless of her confusion, the way it was, then.

“What - What do you mean, ‘what changed’? Y/n, nothing changed-”

“You know what I mean,” you contradicted her in a little more of a strained manner than before. “You let me go, Leighton - you know. Why do you think I left, in the first place? Besides-.. Besides my dad, a-and-.. yeah-..”

“You know I didn’t want to,” she murmured a little dejectedly, “Y/n, I - I could never just-.. I never wanted you to go, everything was just-.. fuck.”

She struggled again, and your heart dropped a little more when you noticed how scared she looked, right then and there.

“It’s okay - Leight, you - you don’t have to tell me, okay? It’s okay, I promise; I - I’m okay, now, a-and everything’s going to be okay, no matter what - just-”

“But it’s not okay, Y/n; this will never be okay; if - if I’d just-.. I should never have said anything of what I did, that night - I just-.. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that I abandoned you; I’m sorry that - that I-.. that I ever-.. I’m so sorry-”

“Leight, no - don’t - don’t say that; you didn’t abandon me; you’ve never-”

“I did - I know I did, and it was wrong, okay? You can’t say it wasn’t, but-.. but I’m here now, okay? I’m here, and I’m never leaving you again, because-..”

She winced, and you appeared a little nervous, but hopeful at the same time as she held both of your hands within her’s, her heart beating much too fast all over again as she allowed her gaze to meet your own, no matter how much it terrified her to do so, the way she did, then.

“I-.. I think I’m in love with you, Y/n,” she managed, sounding a little more breathless than she did, before, “I think I’ve always-..”

You didn’t know how it happened, or why you did it, but - you kissed her, again.

You just-.. leaned forward, and you kissed her.

And she kissed you back.

It didn’t last long, however, as you panicked a little, quickly pulling away shortly after it had only begun, and though you felt empty, it made you feel warm to see the slightly still dazed look upon Leighton’s face, the way it was, then.

“Shit, Leight, I - I’m so-.. I didn’t mean - I-”

“It’s okay,” she cooed sweetly, and you felt warmer than you ever did before. “I missed what it felt like, anyway,” she admitted, and this time it didn’t make her cringe as much, especially when your eyes lit up, the way they did, then. “Hey, erm - I’m - I’m sorry I keep talking about it, but-.. you do know you’re not alone in this, right? If - If you ever feel like - y’know, doing that again, then-”

“I won’t, I promise, I just-.. I’m sorry; I didn’t want to scare you like that, I just-.. I thought-.. I thought things would be-..”

You sighed, and her expression softened again, though there was still a hint of fear as she wondered how it would make her feel, to hear what had been going through your head, right now, the way it was, then.

“I thought things would be - better, Leight, if-.. if I just-..”

You bowed your head again, heart throbbing painfully as you tried not to cry again, cursing barely audible as you did, only making her feel more guilty, somehow, than she ever had before, now.

It wasn’t what you wanted, though; you never wanted her to blame herself, for the way you’d been feeling, recently. It wouldn’t be fair. Besides, they were your thoughts, and your’s alone, and the only person who could ever be responsible for them was you, the last time you’d checked.

“Well you’re wrong,” she contradicted, determined to bring you back to her, somehow, “Y/n, if - if you were gone, things - things would be-.. so much darker, than - than anything could ever be, here. If I lost you again, I-.. I don’t know if I could even-.. I love you, okay? A-And I’m sorry, that - that I never told you that before, I just-.. please don’t ever think that the world would be better off without you in it, okay? I mean - how d’you think the others would feel, too? What would Aurora think? And Eva? What would either of them think, if you were gone? Things wouldn’t get better; they would get worse - so much worse than you could ever imagine, okay? Just-.. promise me you won’t go again; p-promise me that you’ll stay, this time, a-at least for a little while longer, a-and if I ever managed to hurt you, you - you can just - you can leave me, I promise you can leave me, and I won’t try and stop you, especially if it’s my fault if something-.. just please stay-.. don’t disappear, b-because I want to try this time; I want to make things better - I swear to you that I do, I-.. I’ve even been waiting to, because-.. I guess - some insane part of me wondered if I would ever turn a corner, and you-.. you’d be there. Like you were, that day.”

“Yeah, only after almost four years,” you reminded her, and she winced upon remembering, “I’m sorry again about that, by the way.”

“It’s okay - I mean, I’ll try and forgive and forget as much as I can, for sure, but - joking aside - I’m here, Y/n, a-and-.. for as long as I can be - which I hope will be the longest time in the century of long time spans - I’ll always be right here, just for you - y’know, if - if you ever decide you need a friend, a-and yeah-.. that’s basically all I had to-..”

You didn’t know what pushed you to it, when you found yourself breaking down again, but if she weren’t there, you didn’t think you’d have been able to cope, but she held you in her arms, and cooed sweet nothings against your forehead again.

It was enough - maybe more than that, to make you feel like maybe - just maybe - things could be okay again, somehow. If she were with you, anyway, the way she was, now.

The both of you stayed like that for a little while, as you buried your face into the crook of her neck, clinging to her jacket again as you slowly began to calm down, wondering what you’d done to deserve her being here with you, the way she was, now.

“Leight-?” You began again timidly, and she hummed softly in response to you to show you she was listening, still, and not just listening to your heartbeat, the way she had been, for a little while, now - at least, anyway. “C-Can you - Can we-? I - I don’t know-.. but-.. can we - go somewhere? Just - outside, for - for a little while?” You requested, and she would appear taken aback, and you would have been terrified she were about to reject your idea, until you noticed the glint residing in her eyes again.

“Of course we can, baby - w-wait, can - can I - can I call you that, or-?” She asked, her voice wavering a little, and it made the fluttering break out somewhere inside you, and you couldn’t help, but smile softly back at her, the way you did, then.

“I’d - I’d love that, but - what about-.. what about Alicia? Are you sure you’re not-?” You inquired, and she hesitated again, trying to hide that it did still hurt a bit, thinking things had ended as quickly as they had, not too long ago, now.

“She was - pretty upset with me, so-.. yeah,” she murmured, and you frowned, seeing it was still hard for her to think about as you nodded gravely, before averting your gaze again, “but-.. y’know, if you’re ever worried, we can just-.. we can-”

“I don’t know why I’m doing this, Leight, but-..” You admitted simply, and she tilted her head partially, evidently curious as to what you were about to tell her again. “You - You just-.. you’ve always had this effect on me, a-and I-.. I don’t-.. but that doesn’t mean I don’t love it any less, n-nor could I ever love you any less, a-and I - I don’t know what I’m even trying to say, I’m sorry, but-.. I should probably try and talk to Harper, before we make any decisions, I guess, I don’t know-.. I just-..”

“We can move slowly; life is about baby steps, right?” She reassured you gently, and your heart skipped a beat again. “Don’t ever be scared of disappointing me, okay? I’m just - happy, that - that we can be here together, again, e-even if it’s platonically, for as long as it needs to be, even in the end, maybe, if - if you decided that that’s - y-yeah, I’ll stop now, I’m sorry, I just - I just really want you to know that, I’m really sorry-”

You shook your head as a sheepish smile played on your lips again, and she looked like she was a little flustered again, so you decided to heighten that for her - though you still couldn’t imagine why she still wanted something like this with you - as you delicately pressed your lips to her’s again, and she fell quiet nothing short of instantly.

XIV

It was going well, for the most part.

You both strolled side by side, your heart pounding much too quickly again, but you felt - safe, and unusually calm, nonetheless, as she walked beside you, a soft smile playing on her lips as she did.

Neither of you spoke, for a little while; it was nice, just.. existing, together.

You couldn’t help, but grin down at the ground whenever you thought about it, even trying to fight back a giggle occasionally.

But it never lasted for long.

“So-.. your dad is gone, now, right? He - He isn’t-.. y’know-? I - I just wanted-”

You tensed up a little, your heart faltering for a moment as you looked over at her, eyes darkening a little again.

You didn’t know what to say, at first, or if you could even fix the way your breathing pattern staggered, the way it did, then.

“Er, y-yeah, he-.. he’s, erm-.. I haven’t seen him in a little while, so-.. yeah,” you mustered up, eventually, and she appeared relieved, the smile playing on her lips again as she delicately brushed the knuckles of her left hand against your right one, before making a quick decision, and taking your hand blissfully within her own again.

“That’s good,” she replied gently, but you found it all the harder to pay attention to what was going on around you, whenever her fingers were intermingling with your own again, the way they were, now. “That’s - That’s always good,” she added, and you remembered when you’d told her about him, the first time.

You winced, averting your gaze again as you kept your head low, not wanting her to see something was wrong, the way it was, then, stuck in your head like a caged bird that couldn’t sing.

He’d got worse, by the time you’d lost one another. Then, you’d ran away.

You often wondered still if he’d done the same thing to mum; you’d just not seen it happen, and your heart dropped again when you remembered the day she’d left, the way she had, then, seeing no other way to escape it, somehow.

He’d said he didn’t need her anyway, but you. No - you had to stay.

“Leight-”

“You know, it - it’s funny,” she began again a little slower; a little more cautiously, and you tried not to panic anymore, not wanting to have to give into the memories, all over again, by now, and understandably so. “Or, maybe - not so funny,” she winced as she added, “but - there was one point I was scared he was the reason you disappeared. I thought - I thought he’d-..”

She sighed, but you shook your head subconsciously as you squeezed her hand a little to remind her that you were there, now, and - as long as you could hold yourself together for long enough, it was hopefully there that you would stay - for as long as you could, anyway.

As soon as she felt the squeeze, she relaxed again, smiling softly over at you as you returned the gesture, but the fear of what you knew still remained caged behind it.

“I just - left, in the end; it wasn’t easy, but-.. He was distracted, so - so I tried to run. He almost caught me, but - he - he..”

She could see you were struggling, so she shook her head hastily, and held you at arm’s length again.

“It’s okay - you don’t need to tell me anything about it, okay? I’m just - I’m glad you’re here, now - and - and not there, I promise,” she admitted soothingly, and you reluctantly nodded, before managing another faint smile back at her as she eased you into a hug, and you felt nothing, but much too warm again.

“What would help right now?” She asked, curious, as the two of you had slowly begun to progress further down the hill again.

You were still surprised you’d even managed to move, given it had been difficult to want to break the embrace, the way you had, then.

You hesitated, thinking about it for a few moments, but it was only difficult to do so when you felt easily content, just walking with her like this, the way you were, now.

“I don’t know, I just - I’m happy just walking around with you, strangely enough; I - I think it was the same, when we were walking down to the fair together,” you admitted, though it embarrassed you a little to do so, especially when she grinned knowingly in your direction, prompting you to avert your gaze again as your cheeks warmed up, far too much for your liking, by now, the way they did, then.

“So - you’d be happy to walk anywhere with me? Is that what you’re saying, now?” She guessed, and you winced again, but you didn’t hesitate to nod when you knew it was true, and you wanted her to know it, too, though you didn’t know why - the only reason you could think up was the look on her face, whenever she found herself doubting why you’d left her again.

It hurt, just to think of it, in turn.

“Of course I would be,” you reassured her gently, worried you probably looked even redder by now, given that your face felt hotter than it ever had, before now, the way it did, then. “Leight, I - why wouldn’t I? I’ve always wanted-..”

And there it was.

The look had come back, and you wanted to make it disappear so much faster than you yourself ever could.

“Leight-”

“I’m sorry,” she managed, and your heart dropped again as she managed another smile back at you, but this time it seemed more forced than it was, before. “I - I don’t know why I-.. I shouldn’t have - fuck - I’m sorry, okay?” She continued, sounding frustrated at herself again.

“Why are you apologising?” You inquired, and her heart sank as you avoided her gaze, wondering why you felt close to breaking down again, already, the way you did, then.

She sighed, before shaking her head a little, and trying to smile a little more convincingly than she had, before.

“It’s nothing - er, hey-! I - I forgot, I wanted to show you something; d-d’you wanna see?”

She led you down to the duck pond, back in the park, and you raised your eyebrows as she told you to close your eyes, but it wasn’t like you didn’t trust her, as you eventually gave in much too quickly to her request, eyelids shutting tightly, as you even felt her turning you around a little, before you listened contentedly to her footfalls on the grass, before she’d called your name again.

Funnily enough, she’d befriended a duck, and she liked to call it ‘Paddy’.

You giggled as she smiled brightly over at you, Paddy quacking at the same time as she wandered here and there between you, occasionally nipping at her feathers again.

“She’s - adorable, but how did you-?” You asked, and Leighton smirked again as she inched closer to you, feeling like she was sitting too far away, the way she was, then.

“Oh, y’know - I had some sesame seeds left over, so - I just - thought I should bring them over; I looked it up and Google told me they like them, so - she hasn’t left me alone ever since, and - to be honest - I don’t want her to,” she mused, her eyes glinting a little again as she looked over at you, and your heart refused to function normally again - as per usual now - clearly, anyway.

“I - I hope she stays, too,” you agreed gently, and Leighton appeared relieved, as Paddy demanded attention again.

“It was - nice, walking around with you again,” she began as you both stopped by the door of your apartment, the way you had, earlier, as well, not too long ago, by now - at least, anyway. Not like it had felt like a lifetime, possibly.

It was hard not to deny what it was, and what it wasn’t.

To be honest, you just hoped you could do it again, sometime, as long as she were up to it, too, anyway; a part of you was still afraid she wouldn’t be, somehow, as you nodded timidly, eyes darkening a little as you feared she’d have to leave, soon, if she even trusted you not to disappear anyway, at this point in time, by now.

“So - what do you wanna do, now? We could watch that movie together, if you wanted to-? I just-”

“You should sleep,” you recommended, and she appeared taken aback, her smile easily fading as you tried not to let the guilt take you down completely again, “Leight, this - this was all fun, I just - I don’t want you to feel like you have to-”

“I can’t lose you again,” she interjected simply, though her voice sounded all the more strained as she did, only making you feel even worse for what you were saying, the way it did, then, “just - if - if you don’t want to watch it, or - or something else with me, just - that’s fine, just please let me stay here; l-let me stay with you. I can’t go, a-and wake up to find you gone again I just-”

“I’m not going anywhere, Leight,” you tried to reassure her, but she didn’t give in, shaking her head as she managed to take the keys, you too easily giving the mm up as if you hadn’t noticed them, until they were in her own right hand, rather than your left one, instead.

You hadn’t ignored the moment her fingers brushed against your’s again, leaving you feeling lost, all of a sudden, as you didn’t know if it were better to stay this way, or if you should give your life a proper chance again still.

In a way, you still wished you could just deny it completely, but when Leighton’s gaze was on your’s the way it was, now, it was too easy for her to ground you, and leave you doubting everything again.

“I’m staying, Y/n, at - at least until I know you can just - be here without me or anyone else having to walk in and find you dead, okay? I - I just can’t - a-and it’s not like I’m asking you if - if we can sleep in the same bed together again, I just - I just want-..”

She cursed again, averting her gaze as tears threatened to spill down her cheeks once more, despite them already making her eyes a little sore, the way they had, earlier today, too.

“Please don’t make me go,” she continued, though it flustered her a little to even ask you to do so, the way she was, now, almost as if she were pleading, at this rate, but she didn’t know what else to do, to try and ensure you stay with her, again, now, rather than disappear without a word at all to her anymore. Well, except for the two words you’d left upon the paper for her, simply dictating how sorry you were for finding her, and trying to lose her again.

You’d probably never forgive yourself for it - at this rate, anyway.

“I love you,” she managed again, and it only hurt more when her voice shook, the way it did, then. “I fucking love you, Y/n, a-and I’m sorry - I’m so sorry for everything that happened before, I just-.. I never wanted-”

“Leight-”

“I only ever wanted things to just - to be good; I didn’t think it would all just - stop, the way it did, I just-.. I didn’t want to let you go; I never wanted to, I just - but that’s done, now, a-and you can hate me all you want; you can even not talk to me again, or - or look at me again if - if that’s what’ll help take the pain away, then - then you can do that, just-.. don’t make me go, Y/n, because - if - if I do wake up, and you’re gone, I - I don’t think I can take that again, okay? So - just - please, let me stay, just for tonight - at least, just-.. let me stay with you, so I know I won’t lose you again.”

She fell quiet for a moment, breathing too fast alongside you as your hearts refused to slow down, in that moment, the rain that had recently begun to hit the ground even falling harder as you both stood in the doorway, not sure what to even think anymore, when you were as close as you were, now - especially then.

“Can - Can you do that for me? Please?” She added even fainter, and you didn’t know what to say anymore, by now, instead staring back at her for a moment, before you warily averted your gaze again, trying to think faster than you ever had before, now.

Once, you’d had an imperative choice, and it stuck with you every day you were cursed to remember it.

You’d messed it up, completely, because you left, that day.

Your father hadn’t given you much choice in what he’d done over the years, to you, as much as your mother.

You shook your head down at the ground as you tried to calm down; tried to think of what the right thing could be, now, if it was anything, at all. It didn’t take you long after that.

Instead of taking the keys back; of making the pills and wine all disappear, you chose her.

It was the easiest choice you’d had to make in a long time; you just hoped it could stay that way - for as long as it could, anyway.

XV

Things had progressed quite quickly, after that.

First, you’d kissed her.

Next, she’d melted into the kiss again, even deepening it after a little while as she eased you a little more back against the wall behind you.

You didn’t know if you’d been possessed by her, or something else, or if you’d simply forgot your surroundings as you allowed your tongue to dance alongside her own, occasionally colliding.

She shuddered a little against you, as you wrapped your arms around her, running your hands up her back until they finally reached her shoulders.

You only broke away, when she held you at arm’s length, looking a little nervous as her eyes searched your own, as if looking for some discomfort of any kind, the way she was, then.

“Are you sure that - that you want this? I mean - I don’t want you to feel like you have to, Y/n, I just-”

You shook your head as you managed a barely audible - as well as playful - ‘shut up’ in response as you leaned forward to kiss her again, only to have her stop you once more, flustering you even further than she somehow ever had, before.

“Leight-”

“I’m serious, this time - I - I want you to want this too, n-not just-.. I love you, okay? I just.. I need you to know that - that when we go inside, we don’t have to take this any further, I promise - we - we can just-”

“I love you, Leighton,” you admitted, and her heart skipped a beat once the words had slipped your lips, like they did, then. “I - I always have, okay? And - even if I did hate you for a little while, after-.. I guess - I understand now, why - why you-..”

You drew in a little more of a shaky breath as her heart dropped, eyes never leaving your’s again as she lifted her right hand up to your left cheek, only making it all the more harder for you to breathe, somehow, the way it did, then.

“I will never let you go again,” she stated gently, but nonetheless with conviction as you smiled sheepishly over at her, wondering what you’d done to deserve her all over again.

You hesitated for a moment, before you leaned forward to connect her lips to your’s again, but - no matter how much you knew you wanted to continue this, regardless of where you both currently were - you knew you both couldn’t stay outside, as she let you sneak the key from her, the both of you giggling a little breathlessly as you unlocked the door, and let her come inside again.

It was ferocious, from that point. The kissing, anyway.

One moment, you were both still upright, and the next you were laid down on the couch, her keeping you down again.

Neither of you cared much about breathing anymore, though you did have to stop, at some point, before you could let each other suffocate somehow, the way you had been close to doing - if you weren’t enjoying doing so, blissfully anyway.

“Leight,” you managed breathlessly, and she hummed distractedly as she buried her face into the crook of your neck, delicately kissing along the soft skin all over again. “Fuck,” you whispered - it had been a long time since you’d felt a touch so gentle as her’s was with you. “Shit, I - I think we should-”

“Not yet,” she interjected, albeit softly, only making it harder to breathe as you shuddered, feeling her lips brushing against your skin again as she smiled against it for a moment, revelling in the reactions she was achieving from you, and so soon, already.

“What do you mean not-”

You didn’t even get to finish your sentence, when you felt the tip of her tongue on your skin, where she’d been pressing kisses before.

“Fuck, Leight - please-”

She kept her pace, giggling again barely audibly as if she had been trying to fight it back, only to fail miserably, somehow, as she continued to run her tongue in a circular motion, all in the same place, as if she were preparing you for something already, grinning once it was done, before she timidly glanced up at you, noticing you looked as if you were in something of a daze, revelling in the way her touch made you feel, even after all this time, again.

“Leight,” you continued, though your voice was strained and barely there, but she paid you no heed as she ran the thumb of her right hand over the spot she’d been working on, already pleased with the foundation she’d put together there.

It didn’t surprise you; what it meant, as she began to run her teeth along your skin.

You shuddered again easily, your heart beating way too fast as your breathing pattern staggered, and she began to nibble at the same spot a little, the way she did, then.

You hardly were able to stop your eyes from rolling back, especially as she moved a bit further down the left side of your neck, reaching somethin akin to one of your few sweet spots.

You’d didn’t even need her to reach it; you just needed to feel how gently she suckled and tended to your skin, leaving light marks already, the way she did, then.

You’d treasure them after - that much you knew, as you carefully lifted her face up to your’s, just so you could delicately kiss her all over again.

“I love you so much,” you managed again breathlessly once the kiss had ended, especially when you felt her thumb brushing against the mark again, as if she were treasuring it, too, alongside you, despite how faint it was in that moment - for now, anyway.

She had always been afraid of creating the marks any rougher, especially when it came to you being the one she was supplying them to.

“Since when did I create such a little sap out of you, huh?” She asked, and your heart skipped too fast again as you stammered a little, feeling your face warming up, but you managed to cover it when you averted your gaze, before seeking comfort within the crook of her neck again. “It’s okay,” she cooed gently, “because - I can’t exactly talk, can I? You somehow keep making we want to be like that, too, even if I don’t exactly know how, unless you’re kissing me the way you do.”

She smirked knowingly as she turned your face up to her own again.

“I’ve missed this - s-so much, I-.. I’ve always-”

You grinned sheepishly up at her, before reaching up to kiss her lips just as sweetly again.

“You’re amazing,” she whispered between the kisses, “you - you know that, right?”

You tried not to hesitate, though there was still part of you that doubted again, given you’d never felt that comfortable as yourself before.

She only stopped, when the doubt became noticeable, and the pained expression that befell her face only made you feel worse, as she shook her head gravely, wishing she could show you all she wanted to somehow; how perfect you’d always been to her, even after she’d lost you, somehow.

“Y/n-”

“Just kiss me, you budding sap,” you mustered up, your voice briefly trembling, and before she could protest, you’d delicately cupped her face within your hands again, before your lips brushed against her’s, and she forgot all sense and function of her very own thoughts again.

The only thing she could think was that she wanted this with you - always with you, as she deepened the kiss a little more again, and you’d lost the ability to think clearly alongside her, especially when you felt her left hand running down your stomach again.

XVI

You were terrified, at first, when she began to unbutton your jeans, but you didn’t want her to see.

You instead buried your face into the crook of her neck again as her breathing pattern seemed to grow a little bit more staggered again.

She occasionally looked between you both to make sure she was getting the button where it needed to be, and she grinned a little, appearing relieved, when she finally managed to get it undone - third time’s the charm.

You just didn’t want to disappoint her, somehow.

You sighed a little shakily, but barely audibly as she undid your zipper after the button, hand moving steadily, but much too slowly as she slipped it beneath the slightly rough material, her palm gliding over your still clothed slit.

“Fuck,” you managed again in a feeble whisper, “Leight-”

“You really missed me, didn’t you?” She guessed, and you swallowed - hard, to the point it hurt a little, as she trailed her middle finger along where your slit was lined, and you could feel the material was already slightly more wet, than it had been earlier. “That’s good - ‘cause I missed you, too, baby,” she admitted a little softer as she suckled at the mark she’d created a little earlier, and it didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would, especially when you were dangerously close to begging her to do something more to your throbbing bud again.

It didn’t take much time, but it felt like a lifetime to you, when she’d finally pressed her finger down a little more, prompting you to shudder and tense up a little as the recently dampened material of your pants pushed your folds apart, making direct contact with what was hidden behind it, still.

“Please,” you pleaded, “just - just do - do something, Leight-”

“I’m not going any faster - not yet, okay?” She determined much too easily, though she did sound more exasperated than she had, before. “Just keep lying still for me, baby, and I promise you won’t regret it,” she bargained, and you groaned again, but she wouldn’t give in, smirking mischievously down at you, before she leaned down to delicately kiss you again, her finger still lightly tracing the material, still breaching further than it usually should be.

Eventually, it got to be too much, as you cursed a little again, even whining barely audibly as you tried to press your lower half a little upward to create more friction, but as soon as she picked up on it, she pulled out of the kiss, and eased you back down with her free hand, albeit delicately.

“You want me to make you wait longer, huh?” She assumed, and you couldn’t take it anymore, but you didn’t know how to change her mind, until you got your own idea, and had to fight back hard to try and keep the smile off your face again.

“That depends - y’know, how long do you want to wait, before I make a start on you, too?” You asked, your voice briefly trembling as she raised her eyebrows down at you, and you knew she would have protested even further, if you hadn’t made to undo her own jeans, the way you did, then.

“Y-You really know what you’re doing, don’t you?” She remarked, only faltering a little as she tried to keep a steady demeanour, and you thought you’d won against her - almost, until she managed to sit up a little further away from you, prompting your heart to sink a little, especially when she began to do up what you’d managed to undo, before. “You’re not working on me yet, okay? I want you to feel it, first,” she cooed gently, and you raised your eyebrows back at her, wondering how she was managing to resist as much as she was, now.

“But-”

“No buts,” she interjected a little more commandingly than before, and it strangely made you feel even warmer as you tried not to shudder again, instead trying to lie still for her as she grinned victoriously down at you, knowing she’d owed you as much, and more, at least for something of a little while, now. “Soon, baby, I promise - all you need to do, is hold out for me, okay? That’s all - nothing else,” she reassured even gentler than before, only making all the more harder to keep your composure, especially when she began to ease down your jeans even further, just below the lining of your pants, now.

She breathed a little more shakily as she cautiously allowed her gaze to meet your’s again, as if she were checking once more that you were sure you wanted to let her do this, right now - you didn’t hesitate when you nodded back at her a little too hastily, and she smiled softly back at you, before reaching to hold your left hand within her right one again, the way she did, then.

You relaxed a little more, tilting your head back to brush against the cushion beneath it as she gently squeezed your hand, before lowering her head again.

First, she lingered where she was, for a moment, her heart pounding too fast as she tried to stay calm for you, the tip of her nose brushing against the start of your slit, still hidden at current beneath your black pants as she shuddered a little, connecting her forehead affectionately to the slightly exposed skin, just above the pelvis slightly.

“I missed you,” she whispered, “I’ve always-..”

She then grinned up at you, as you smiled lovingly back at her, wondering what you’d done to be here with her, again.

“I missed you, too,” she added nonchalantly, and you couldn’t help, but giggle, before lowering your head again as she returned her gaze down to your black pants again.

She drew in a barely audible shaky breath again as she lowered her head down to them again, pressing a delicate kiss to where your slit would be again, before she slowly trailed her lips down it, and you thought she’d stop there - it wasn’t like you wanted her to, but you wanted her to do more, too, directly to the bud hidden behind, but you knew you should try and stop yourself from protesting as you tried to keep your mouth in a thin line, only to falter, as soon as you felt her draw her tongue slowly back up the lining again.

“Fuck,” you whispered shakily again, sounding a little more alarmed as she shuddered at the sound, trying not to glance up at you again to make sure you were okay again, no matter how much she thought she should, then.

“You ready, baby?” She asked, her voice sounding a little more hoarse than before, and you didn’t hesitate as you nodded, breaths heavy, shaky, and uneven all at the same time, as she slowly drew your pants down before they joined and descended with your jeans.

“I - I’m always ready, Leight,” you managed, eventually, and she smiled toothily up at you again, only making your heart flutter overwhelmingly all the more, somehow, the way it did, then.

“That’s good - that’s real good, you know it is,” she replied soothingly, and you braced yourself warily as she admired you, the coverage finally not caging you away from her, now. “God, I love you,” she added gently, “I was worried you’d-.. think you should change, but - you’re still everything I remember, even the fluff down here.”

You couldn’t help, but laugh again as she allowed a fit of giggles to ensue alongside you as you both laughed together, unable to stop yourselves from doing so, during this moment in time, by now.

“Has it changed, for you?” You inquired timidly, still recovering from your last laughing fit.

“Don’t worry - I’ve still got it, too, just - unfortunately not as much as your’s,” she answered, though she sounded nervous, as if she were afraid that maybe you’d be disappointed, if she didn’t have as much, the way she did, then.

“No matter how much - you’re perfect, Leighton; you always have been,” you reassured her softly, and her heart skipped a beat as you brushed her hand gently with the slightly more shaky palm of your left one, “don’t ever be scared about something like that, okay? You’re everything to me, Leight, you - you always will be, I promise, I - I love you, okay? I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

She relaxed a little more, her demeanour softening as she smiled warmly back at you again, before lifting your hand up in her right one so she could press a delicate kiss to the back of it, your skin tingling a little as she did in a warm way.

You felt - safe, to say the least, when you felt it, as soft as it was.

She then very deliberately ran her tongue over the back of it, only making your heart stutter and falter again.

“Seriously, Leight? Have you turned into a cat, now, wanting to groom me or something?” You teased, and she appeared a little flustered again, but she didn’t let it take her off guard, smirking back at you widely as she raised her eyebrows anyway, determined to keep her last demeanour intact again.

“What? Do you want me to? ‘Cause I could, if you wanted, anyway,” she answered simply, as if she were nonchalant in the face of such a possibility.

“Just get on with it, you,” you replied after you’d playfully rolled your eyes back at her.

She didn’t hesitate, as she responded simply the two words: ‘yes, ma’am’, and that was when the first part of the fun seemed to begin all over again.

She started slowly again, running her tongue smoothly over your slit again as you shuddered at the more exposed touch, wondering how painfully slowly it would feel, this time.

“Shit-”

She took no time at all.

Before you even knew it; could even acknowledge what was going on, her tongue had lightly pushed your folds apart, and you arched your back a little in response to feeling your bud aching at the touch, ever so soft, but dangerous, especially when she tried to ease you down again, running her right hand along your side to try and soothe you as she did, whilst she revelled at how soft, as well as warm your skin was beneath her palm, the way it was, then.

You tried not to give in easily, though you did squirm a little as she manipulated your weakest core much too easily with her tongue again.

“Leight,” you whispered shakily, trying not to panic any further or move anymore as she lapped a little gentler, feeling you latch onto her free hand shortly after, before you squeezed it delicately, and she remembered what she’d told you, the first time.

It was then that she’d stopped, worriedly looking up at you as you tried to stabilise your breathing pattern again, and to no avail.

“You - You okay? I - I didn’t hurt you, did I?” She asked, her voice briefly trembling a little, but she tried to cover it up again, albeit unsuccessfully.

Your heart skipped what felt like it should be too many beats as you shook your head hastily, hardly managing to regain your senses enough to respond as you managed to catch your breath, before looking back up at her again.

“I - I’m okay, I promise, I - I just-.. I trust you, Leight - no matter what,” you reassured her softly, and she relaxed again, before nodding her thanks back at you, as she lowered her head again to manipulate your bud, at least a little further, anyway, by now.

It was hard not to lose yourself completely again, when she began to circulate her tongue a little faster, eventually and carefully even allowing you to relocate your legs over her shoulders, the way she had, then.

You hoped she’d go further, when she trailed her tongue slowly down your bud again.

Instead, she’d stopped after that, and you felt a little empty, as well as frustrated as you tried to think away the ache still lingering around your heated spot, but instead of continuing, she eased herself back up your body until she could delicately kiss you again, you shuddering at the touch once more, before she moved back onto the mark on your neck again.

“Leight,” you whined, “I - y-you can’t just - why would you - please-”

“I promised you I’d make it worth your while, didn’t I?” She grinned sheepishly down at you again, as you shuddered a little more beneath her, feeling her left hand trailing down your side again. “This is just the beginning, baby.”

☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽

Thank you so much for reading, guys!

I hope you enjoyed it, and are looking forward to the next one which I am intending to post at some point tomorrow!

I also hope - as the whole ‘smut’ thing progresses - it gets better, and not worse! (Usually I’m “innocent” as hell so I’m not used to posting smut like this 😈)

I also hope you will all enjoy the new Masterlist features I have posted, recently (earlier today!)

If it isn’t easily accessible, please feel free to let me know and I will see what I can do to make it better, for you!

Of course I am also still working on it, and I thank you for your patience with me whilst I’m doing this! I hope to get it done, soon, and to make all features accessible to all my lovely readers, soon!

Until then, I hope you all have a lovely rest of the day/night, and I look forward to seeing you again, soon!

For now, though, I have been - as usual,

And as always,

Your ever faithful, H.H. 💜

☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽☦︎︎☾☽

[imminentpoodles-sims]

A bit of a mental health ramble...

Ever since my session with my therapist Monday afternoon, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about what she and I discussed.

Isolation.

It’s a fairly frequent topic for me in therapy as I experience it often, both mentally and physically. There are, for me, many reasons why I experience it and sometimes the reasons change, or I begin to doubt my own reality and wonder if I’m overreacting to normal experiences. So far, much to my relief, I am pretty normal in my reactions, relatively speaking.

(I’m putting the majority of this under the cut)

Some of the isolation is self imposed due to needing extra downtime for my learning disabilities, my generalized anxiety, my agoraphobia, depression, lack of care...

Other parts of the isolation is due to my environmental situation. I attend a university where there is, on average, a good 5 to 10 year age gap between me and other students. I also don’t live on campus. Age difference and commuting make it difficult for me to attend clubs and make friends.

Also, most people on campus already have established friend groups.

But the funny thing is, I already have an established group of friends too. We’ve all known each other for anywhere between 14 to 24 years now depending on the friend. Bonkers, right? But we all live in different places and have our own lives, as adults do.

We do try to stay in contact, and thanks to social media, it’s a lot easier to do that when we all live in 4 different states.

The wedding bug that has taken the majority of the friend group has been great because I have been able to see my friends so much more over the last few weeks (and for the next 2 years minimum. I am excite.)

However, I still can’t help but feel isolated. I do, after all, suffer from moderate-to-severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder (and as a byproduct, depression). In general, I can feel isolated while surrounded by people, so...

In discussing this with my therapist, partly to ask for coping mechanisms and partly to express my desire not to feel or be isolated, a few things came up that I think are worth sharing...

*** NOTE: None of this is going to be accurate for every situation or for every person. This is also just what I’ve interpreted from my session with my therapist, not her direct advice to anyone (except me).

Practice reaching out more. - This one is hard, but the thing to remember is this: People are not going to react the way you want them to. They’re going to react the only way they know how and it is not meant to hurt you in any way. - Before reaching out, ask yourself if you want to just vent or if you’re looking for advice. Once you decide, clarify that to whoever you’re reaching out to. That will help them help you, I promise. - I emphasize the word practice because it’s not easier at all. You’re also still probably going to receive unsolicited, unhelpful advice. Remember that they’re trying too, and that unsolicited advice may be the only way they know how to react.

Temporary, unbalanced (non-toxic!) friendships are okay to have. - The idea of a forever friend isn’t realistic. Nor is having a 100% reciprocal friendship realistic. - Sometimes you’re going to feel like you’re giving more in a friendship and vice versa. As long as the friendship isn’t toxic, it’s okay to just enjoy the friendship for what it is for as long as it lasts.

Tell your friends how much they mean to you. - Anxiety and depression can be a bitch by telling you the meanest things and emphasizing the loneliness. They’re wrong. Your friends DO care. - This can go along with practice reaching out more. Tell your friends how much they mean to you and how much you cherish your time with them. Find the people you know you can open up to and let them know how you’re feeling.

You are never alone. - Seriously. You are never alone. Don’t listen to anxiety or depression when they tell you this. They are liars. 

I often forget that reaching out is a two way street, and I don’t do it enough, if at all, really. After my therapist strongly encouraged me to tell my friends how much I enjoyed my visit to MD this time around and how I’ve been feeling, I did just that. I cried because it felt so good to finally get it out there, and then I cried again when my friends told me that they really appreciated me telling them because sometimes they worry.

Whether or not this helps you too, thank you for reading my mental health ramble. :)

[bunny-rambles]

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characters; Xiao, gn reader

cw/tw; cat xiao ! xiao has cat ears and a tail ! stressed reader, vague references to depression, self indulgent hurt/comfort, heavy on the comfort

word count; 1.1k

notes; Miao has arrived. You pet Xiao’s ears and suddenly the world isn’t so bad. Thank you to Aya ( @kazuily ) for reading this, sorry you had to read it like 4 times, I feel kind of bad about that. As always, I hope you enjoy ! (Repost because something was wrong with the tags)

Please reblog and comment if you like this!!

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It was dark by the time you got home.

Normally, you would call out his name and tell him you brought something for him, an offering for his company that he seldom shared.

But not today.

You slumped down into the sofa after haphazardly shucking off your coat and boots, trembling fingers searching for something to latch onto. Blanket in hand, you wrapped it tightly around yourself, curling up to bury your face into the soft fabric. And then, your shoulders started to heave as you let out a silent sob. All the air in your lungs felt as if it had been stolen from you as you tried to open your mouth to breathe, a choked sound forming in the back of your throat. Your lips tried to form words - to curse the gods, perhaps, for how miserable you were feeling? Or to beg them to end your suffering? You weren’t sure. Your prayers would go unheard anyway. Nothing was going to change, and no one was going to help. Alone in your misery, sinking further and further down into the depths of the abyss, descending until you reached the bottom with no saviour to drag you back out.

Maybe it was better this way, surely your problems would bother whoever misfortunate enough to be permanently in your life. This was fine. It was for the best, actually. You would fall asleep, and tomorrow the cycle would begin anew.

A hand gently set on top of your head under the blanket.

A quiet call of your name. The darkness fades as the blanket that was wrapped tight around your head is carefully removed.

Intense, golden eyes bore into your own, embracing you in their uncanny warmth. For a moment, nothing was spoken. There was no need for words when your current appearance completely betrayed how you were truly feeling. Even if you wanted to tell him you were fine, something in his sharp gaze urged you not to. You sniffed quietly, breaking the silence. His thin pupils shifted to your curled up body before moving back to your tear-stained face and slightly running nose.

“Sorry… I must look so gross right now…” You chuckled weakly, trying to diffuse the tension. Your companion shook his head, his thumbs albeit gentle, firmly caressing your damp cheeks to wipe away any stray teardrops. Adorably, your nose scrunched up from the contact, a quiet groan bubbling in your throat. “Xiao-“ You tried to protest, but your body betrayed you, leaning into his touch when his hand simply stayed cupping your cheek.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly, and something in your chest snapped at the bittersweet feeling of being asked such an earnest question. He cared. Someone cared. Your bottom lip trembled, lowering your head so he would just stop staring at you with those big, kind eyes- a softness only you saw in the feral feline. A quiet sigh escaped his lips, hands pulling away. Instinctively, your hand latched onto his wrist, a silent plea not to leave. Thankfully, he understood.

“I’m not going anywhere. I just… Wanted to sit next to you.” Oh.

Your grip loosened and he pulled away, only to do exactly what he said he was going to do after you sat up to make room for him. With the most featherlight touch, he took ahold of your arm and pulled you into his chest. His arms settled around you, holding you with enough strength to keep you pressed up against him. It wasn’t the most comfortable, your legs still tucked under yourself and your cheek squished up against his shirt, but even in this awkward tangle of limbs, this felt heavenly.

“I’m here now.” He mumbled quietly, fingers beginning to lightly run across the top of your head, much like how you would on his ears when he wasn’t feeling the best either. The tension hidden deep in your body started to dissipate with every stroke of his lithe fingers.

“Can I…” You started quietly, trailing off.

“Hm?”

You took a deep breath, burying your face into his chest to hide your embarrassment at what you were going to say next.

“Can I move closer?”

“Oh.” You didn’t have to look up to know his pale cheeks were beginning to redden. He wasn’t big on physical contact, often holding your hand or giving you short hugs instead of the long lasting embraces you desperately craved.

“It’s okay to say n-“ Before you could finish, you were being lifted up, your face pressed against his chest firmly. When your head raised, you realised you were tucked up snugly against his side, with him lying beside you. His head was turned away, ears folded and narrowed, his cheeks a bright pink. You hoped he wasn’t too uncomfortable… But the way his arms pulled you in closer told you otherwise.

“Better?” He asked quietly, hand moving back to rest on top of your head. You nodded slowly, receiving a soft hum in reply.

“Xiao-“

“Don’t. I’m fine. Just not used to it.” It was almost as if he could read your mind. The corner of your lips curled up at the thought. As your eyes began to flutter shut, a soft sensation akin to that of your discarded blanket began to wrap around your body. You didn’t have to be a genius to know that it was Xiao’s giant tail.

You always admired how fluffy he was, years of being on his own with no home making his fur grow out much more than that of someone similar to his kin. When you finally managed to get him home and convince him that you weren’t trying to drown him when showing him the bath, he was more fluff than body once he got dry. If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve assumed he was some sort of pedigree, with how silky smooth he felt under your touch. Well, what he let you touch anyway. At first, he wasn’t fond of letting you pet him, and if you did touch him, it wasn’t for very long. Now, however…

Hesitantly, your hands slid up towards the top of his head, reaching up for your prize. Instead of flinching away like he once would, he lowered himself closer, letting you run your fingers through his thick fur as much as you wanted. By the way the room began to fill up with the sounds of loud purring, you were sure he was just as pleased as you were.

“Thank you…” Your voice was quiet, muffled from being snug against his warm chest. He hummed quietly, shifting to rest his chin over your head, his own eyes beginning to feel heavy.

“Rest now. I’ll be here.”