#tw: mention of academics

[tundralwhisper]

Currently going crazy.

So, we have to write a big 'ol paper for school. School which I am trying to quit as soon as I can because I am suffering physically from the stress.

I picked a bad topic, got to change it, all good (hopefully). Now I have to deal with the second issue: I need to write a cerain thingy, the details of what it means were never really explained all that well by anyone, ever. It seems to be just a table of contents, but it's not *called* a table of contents, so it must be different in some way. The website I looked at explained it in a way that made it seem like the way to make this is just *to write the entire paper*... but to have this done before starting the paper proper, somehow?

Aside from that, my new topic (What makes a modern dystopia and how do they compare to classic dystopias) may be neat, but it also means reading multiple books (or at least some really good summaries) within the next month or two. Namely, since I wanna analyze with multiple examples, it'll have to be 4 full books, minimum.

I have a list of books ready for that, that's not the issue, and I'll arguably have enough time to read them all, but still. I've not read many books in recent time, and I've got an exam phase barreling toward me in the meantime, as well as my 18th birthday and a thousand other stressors.

I'm gonna just do the book list, get that ready, ask the teacher what the fuck the other thing I need to do entails, and be done with that shit. I gotta get the first versions of those ready for tomorrow morning (wednesday the 30th), and have to have the final versions of each done for friday the 9th.

Wish me luck, I'll need it.

[oh-snapperss]

Medusa: The Much Needed Shift from Monster to Survivor in Percy Jackson (2023)

I am posting this on request of a couple folks! This is a part of a much bigger portfolio I submitted to my college mythology course, so if anything seems abrupt or short, that's why. Enjoy!

Reader discretion advised: the analysis below includes non-explicit discussion of sexual assault and rape.

From the beginning of the Percy Jackson series recently released on Disney+, it was clear that many changes were going to be made throughout the series both from the book series it derived from, and the myths Riordan first retold in his books. One of the most remarkable changes to the series can be found in episode three, and stood out with the dialogue below:

Percy: “So you’re not a monster, what are you then?”

Medusa: “A survivor.” (“We Visit the Garden Gnome Emporium” 23:22)

The decision to portray Medusa in this light is in stark contrast to any other adaptation involving her. Moments before this, Percy tells Grover and Annabeth that he thinks they can trust her, and that his mother had always told him Medusa’s story with the point “She isn’t what people think,” (21:52). This sets the stage for the following conversation, and the idea that Medusa in the myths may have been misunderstood as just another monster of Greek mythology.

In fact, Medusa’s physical appearance in the series is also markedly different from the original myth. Instead of being “monstrous” with wings, tusks of swine, and hair made of hissing snakes (“Medusa in Mythology”), the actress wears a veil over her hairand eyes, a nice dress, and has perfectly done makeup, with red lipstick. Her appearance brings empowerment to Medusa while also humanizing her, and a sense of fear or apprehension to the watcher. The answer to why these changes were made can be found in the relatability Medusa’s story has for today’s victims of rape and a patriarchal society that is unfair to women who have been assaulted.

Myths of Medusa describe her story without much pity: Either Poseidon rapes her in Athena’s temple or they willingly have sex; Athena, enraged, punishes Medusa by turning her into a monster. Poseidon goes unpunished, as he is a god (“Medusa in Mythology.") However, in current day climates, it is impossible not to draw similarities in Medusa’s story to the way victims are treated often in society. The assaulter goes unpunished, while the victim must live with the emotional, physical, and mental harm of such an attack. In fact, from my personal experience and things I have seen in the tattoo parlor I have gotten tattoos from, some victims have chosen to get tattoos of Medusa as a sign of being a survivor of such an assault. Thus, this brings back the director’s choice to portray Medusa differently in Percy Jackson than before.

Another notable difference in Medusa’s behavior is that she does not immediately attack Percy, Annabeth, and Grover (who would be considered the heroes of the story), instead offering them lunch and her perspective on what happened to her originally. By allowing Medusa the chance to speak her perspective on what happened to her, the directors of the show push for a world where women and victims are able to speak. With the show being watched by many younger teens and children, in addition to adults, an important message is carried to watchers, and her story is handled in a way that any victim watching can hear the message that they are not alone.

The director’s decision to show Medusa in this other light comes to a conclusion with Percy refusing the chance to betray his friends for her (28:03) a few minutes later, and from there the story aligns closer to the myth it derived from. The fight between the heroes and Medusa is not long, ending after Annabeth puts her hat of invisibility on Medusa, and Percy beheads her. Visually, this fight is markedly different to the myth—Medusa’s beheading is done with a hat of invisibility on, so there is no blood or gore shown (31:41). This change can easily be explained by the shows rating of TV-PG, combined with the fact that most likely, Disney would not have wanted such a gore filled scene on their platform.

Overall, the changes to Medusa’s story are headed in a positive direction much needed in the current climate of society, despite not staying exactly true to the source material.

Works Cited

“Medusa in Greek Mythology.” Greek Legends and Myths, https://www.greeklegendsandmyths.com/medusa.html. Accessed 20 March 2024.

“We Visit the Garden Gnome Emporium.” Percy Jackson and the Olympians, season 1, episode 3, Disney+, December 26, 2023. Disney, https://www.disneyplus.com/play/7a078c8a-2a03-4171-a647-a4f5ed12e738.

[panicroomsammy]

Sam Winchester, queer coding, and CSA themes

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time but what finally got me to write it down was this post about Sam and queer coding. For this reason (and that this got ridiculously long) I will not be restating all of the points made in that post, though I do agree with them.

I think the reason so many people refuse to see that Sam is queer coded is that he is queer coded in unpalatable ways, including being csa coded. I am only on season seven, but I am going to try and break down some of the ways that he has been queer coded so far. I must begin by explaining what I mean by queer coding and what coding is in general. When I say the word “queer” I do not necessarily mean “gay” or “bisexual” or any other lgbt label. I mean outside the norm. This is because “queer coding” is not so much about purposefully portraying a character as a certain sexuality, but about othering that character from those around them. Sam is clearly an othered character. We will start, as all things in Supernatural do, with Azazel.

When Azazel makes his deal with Mary that ultimately results in the othering of Sam via his psychic powers, the deals are csa coded in a variety of ways. The most obvious is that he possesses Mary’s father’s corpse to kiss her and make the deal. Hunting families are already incest coded in that it is a secret and something that children raised in it are taught no one outside of their family will understand, and in this case hunting is something Mary is trying very hard to escape. Her love for John (who is also her means of escape) seems to be a love for his “innocence” in the way that he does not know of the supernatural. She tells Dean that what she fears more than anything is her own children being raised into hunting. This is a very typical incestuous family melodrama plot (that I could cite in many academic articles but alas this is a tumblr post). Besides the explicitly incestuous kiss and the familiar plot, there is also the way that Azazel obscures what exactly he is asking for in the deals. When he makes the deal with Mary, he has taken both the familiarity of her family and her route of escape from her. He then offers the escape back to her, in exchange for something. He never tells her what this “something” is. This is a more insidious piece of csa coding. Mary lacks the knowledge necessary to consent to the deal - the same way that a child lacks the knowledge necessary to meaningfully consent to sex. All demon deals in the show are sa coded in that they are extortive and about owning someone and depriving them of autonomy, but in this particular case Mary not knowing what she is consenting to is highlighted. He also phrases is as “permission” (to do what he’s going to do to baby Sam), similar to language of asking for consent and implying that whatever he does that she does not understand she will have allowed so she cannot take issue with it later.

Fast forward ten years. Azazel comes to collect on his deal. Two significant things happen - he feeds baby Sam his blood and he is caught in the act by Mary. Let’s focus first on the latter. Azazel kills Mary because she walked in on him with Sam. The way he talks about this in the show has a stomach turning amount of innuendo to it. Specifically, he says she had to die because “she walked in on us” to Sam. The use of “us” is very clearly supposed to invoke an abuser’s attempt to convince a victim that they did in fact have agency in the situation and were just as active a participant as the abuser, though the audience knows this cannot be the case as Sam was an infant.

When Azazel feeds Sam his blood this is without consent which already gives it a csa implication. The way that he made the deal with Mary in the first place does the same. Then there is the way that Sam feels dirty because of the demon blood in him. “Something that I could not control happened to me as a child and now I feel dirty forever” is glaringly a metaphor for csa. The way that Sam says “so he could bleed in my mouth” made me pause the episode and sit there for a moment because of how much it sounded like a euphemism.

Then Sam becomes addicted to demon blood. The parallels would almost make me laugh if they didn’t make me nauseous. Ruby forces herself on Sam sexually before she starts feeding him her blood, and then later it seems that their routine is feeding Sam the blood and then having sex. This creates an association between demon blood and sex. There is also a more sinister undertone to it if you read with this in mind. Sam’s desire for demon blood invokes, for me at least, queer desire. Unlike what some people on tumblr would like to believe, sexual desire isn’t something that people only start feeling when they turn 18. It isn’t even something that we only start feeling when we reach puberty. Everyone has a human body that is capable of feeling arousal from the moment they are born. This is a simple fact of life, but it is one everyone likes to ignore. With this in mind we can understand the quote “within childhood sexual trauma, the experience of violation may be viewed in the moment as uncontrollably stimulating and overwhelmingly arousing” from this post. When someone experiences violation as a child, they may at the time feel pleasure in it or desire for it to happen again. What I am saying is that his whole life after Azazel fed him his blood maybe Sam, for all his fight against being a freak, deep down felt some kind of desire for something even without knowing quite what. And then Ruby gave it to him. This is an unacceptable desire and therefore coded as queer (sexual) desire. But as it is not just queer desire but one associated with both childhood and non consent, which makes it unpalatable to many people who may otherwise enjoy reading for queerness in subtext, therefore the queerness here is missed.

Sam’s fight against being a freak is also part of his queer coding. Some may see this and take it at face value, but truly what queer person can honestly say they have never tried to fit into heteronormative society? When one is constantly told by society that they are wrong, they will try to change to fit - even if just out of a desire for safety. Sam trying and failing at normality (including the ideal heterosexual romantic relationship which is taken from him with Jess’s death in the first episode) is a glaring example of queer coding.

Yet another aspect of Sam’s sexuality that I believe leads to his queer coding being ignored is that the vast majority of sexual situations we see him in are non consensual and he makes it explicitly clear that he wishes not to be in those situations. The first time we see him in such a situation is the pilot where the woman in white forces herself on him and tells him that he will be unfaithful to Jess. At the time this felt pretty extreme to me for putting in the first episode, even for trying to establish that a character highly values their morality. From there they just don’t stop putting Sam in these situations. The next time this happens is with Meg touching Sam sexually while she has him and Dean tied up with no motivation other than that she wants to. She later possesses him, which is used throughout the show as a sexual assault allegory. The next time I remember something like this happening is Becky groping Sam and refusing to stop when he asks her in season four. Later in season seven she roofies him with love potion and kidnaps him. When Sam and Dean investigate the mental hospital in season five, one of the patients grabs both Dean and Sam and makes out with them at different times. While Dean goes with it and does not resist, Sam tries to push the girl away. While neither of these situations had consent, it is much easier for the audience to swallow Dean’s reaction than Sam’s, as Dean’s reaction plays into the notion that men cannot be sexually assaulted because they should always want to have sex with women, while Sam’s forces one to confront that men are capable of not consenting. In the very next episode a high school boy uses a spell to swap his and Sam’s bodies. While in Sam’s body the boy has sex with a woman. Throughout much of season six I would argue something similar occurs. While I’m a bit fuzzy in the metaphysics of what exactly is happening here, Sam is functionally anywhere from two to three people over the course of the season. Despite the fact that they are all technically Sam, I would argue (as a system myself) that any one person within a system using the body to do things that the others would stop them from doing given the chance is non consent. We also know that soulless!Sam slept around with a lot of people during that year and a half. Again, as a system, I would say that is noncon. There is also the fact that during all of this Sam-in-hell (soul!Sam?) was being tortured and more than implied to be raped by Lucifer. All of this makes Sam and sexuality a much less palatable thing to focus on than Dean and sexuality. (Though Dean has his fair share of sa coding as well he covers it up with jokes that make it easier to ignore. But that’s another post.)

The bottom line is that Sam’s demon blood addiction is coded as queer in that it is a desire that is taboo, but it is a bit too taboo for most fans to enjoy or even acknowledge, leading them to voice outright denial of it, with the unpalatable themes of rape surrounding Sam and sexuality adding to the lack of desire to discuss this aspect of the character.

[mirpkechi]

chat i feel physically sick im gonna throw up i keep thinking about school aaawgsjhdjrjdje!!!!!@!!!!!

idk about other schools but in england at least usually youll have a year group thats split into two halves [most schools have x band and y band, so if you were in year 7 for example thered be 7ax, 7bx, 7cx and 7dx, and then 7ay and so on. mine just has letters from a to h which are also split into two halves.] and the two halves dont have classes and stuff together and their timetables are different But!!!!!!! Turns Out The Classes Are Mixed!!!!!!! chat i cant take this im gonna Unalive Myself [/hj]

[the only good thing ig is that some mf that fucked me over moved down from set 1 LMFAOOOOO]

[selectivechaos]

thoughts on support and the meaning of coping.

if hotlines don’t have a text service, i can’t access them. if support groups and drop-in centres ask you to email and introduce yourself first, i get anxious.

just because support is available, doesn’t mean it is accessible.

then again, sometimes when you’ve been in an area or institution with no support services, you just assume that, when you move elsewhere, there won’t be any available. don’t assume that; always look for help.

“support is available” and “i’m here if you need to talk” are Not empty phrases made to comfort you; they are true.

if you’re like me, you may get the feeling of “it’s not bad enough; i’m not actually struggling; i can’t articulate it so there must be nothing wrong; making a big deal out of nothing” kind of panicked thoughts right before accessing support. don’t listen! you deserve help, there is no ‘bad enough’. if it hurts you, then you deserve help because you don’t deserve to be in pain.

long post ⚠️

recently someone supporting me told me that i should seek help for a specific problem i have with studying in classroom settings (im a uni student), related to my social anxiety. i never had support in school, so it shocked me because classroom settings are everything and just the accepted organisational status quo in schools; they are seen as the brick and mortar of ‘teaching and learning’. i knew there was more freedom and flexibility in university, and that ‘support is available’. but i had always thought of ‘support’ in an individualised, neoliberal, medical-model way (ie. “we’re gonna fix you to fit with the system, and, if we can’t do that, we’ll just support you through crises as you’re tormented by something not made for you”). but actually the way this person phrased it was in terms of ‘Fairness’ and a ‘Level playing field’. they said “it’s not right for you to be feeling anxious and frozen in those learning spaces because it harms your studies, when everyone else is feeling comfortable and able to learn better”. i always considered it with the gaze of internalised ableism (ie “this is my problem; this is my flaw; i’m too sensitive is why i’m anxious”) and i focused so much on treatments for my anxiety as a prerequisite for fixing the problem of falling behind others in academia. but actually i needed support not only to get better, but to get accommodations in the meantime.

coping isn’t settling for an environment that bulldozes through your illness, ignoring it and (intentionally or unintentionally) triggering you. coping is not an individualised repression of symptoms until you burn out. coping is the act of doing things while having an illness that you could not do without support. bad definition but im tired. 🌹🌹

[anti-ao3]

having to read people online experiencing "covid lockdown nostalgia" is fucking crazy to me

the lockdown gave me anxiety attacks, a more severe depression than i've ever had and suicidal thoughts, so i do not fucking miss being terrified of dying and becoming paranoid over hygiene. fuck you

[achillesreborn]

what did isaac say to abraham as they walked down mountain moriah?

did he beg forgiveness for a perceived slight to his father's name, or for an unknown sin?

did he seethe in anger & curse his name, scream to the heavens that put an attempt on his life? did he cry out to abraham, to god, or to both?

was he silent? oh lord, did he pray for forgiveness or revenge or understanding?

[struggling-burnout-perfectionist]

Fading White Lines

Holding the craft knife against my skin,

Pressed tightly in my hand, pressed against my arm,

I know, even now, that I’m a failure,

That I can’t do it,

That, despite it all, despite the pain,

I can’t press any harder.

Looking at the lines that the blade drew,

Caressing the skin softly and lovingly

Forming different shapes,

It’s clear that I chickened out,

That I wanted to, but that I didn’t.

That, as usual, I couldn’t commit.

All that are left are fading white lines,

Remnants of my cowardice, proof of my pain.

I didn’t bring this pain upon me,

There was no pain from the blade.

I wanted more, I wanted a reason.

Why do I hurt so much?

Even now, as I look, there are no scars, there was never any blood.

Even now, as I look, the skin just feels warm

Rather than scarred or

Rather than the broken mess that I am.

I’m scarred on the inside, but the skin is unetched, like a canvas yet to be used.

Still holding the blade which I thought could help,

I put it away, back in the pencil case where it belongs,

Back in its home with the rest of the stationary.

Putting it away, I wonder at what I’ll do now,

Whether I’ll be able to study,

Whether it was all for nothing.

“Questionable technique” is what I know my teacher would say,

Looking concerned and wanting to help.

I mean, I asked her how to revise, how to study

And she gave me advice, yet my brain couldn’t comply.

I mean, I know the technique, I know what to do,

But I can’t get started and I just feel weak.

I know she would say that mental health should come first,

Come above any grades,

Yet I just can’t do it anymore.

Father started all over again,

Lamenting over the fact that I have not studied enough,

My GCSEs are near,

I have done nothing and

The End of Years are also approaching.

Two GCSEs this year, 11 the next.

It’s killing me on the inside.

Every single conversation that I have with that man,

I end up wanting to kill myself,

Wanting to stab myself or slit my wrists and watch it bleed.

I guess that’s what I tried,

Non-suicidal self-injury,

As it would be called in class.

Yet, though I wanted to and thought that I could commit,

It was all an experiment, a test of will.

Fading white lines are all that remain,

Even now vanishing as the blade is put away.

Even it, despicable though it should be to me, has a place where it can return

At the end of the day, rather than

Rejected by absolutely everyone it was ever fated to meet.

The lines have faded,

I am alone.

The lines have faded,

They are no more.

I wish I could join them,

Into the oblivion that is death.

Yet I’m scared, I’m a coward, I can’t abandon my friends.

[growing-nerd]

🌻Went to a café to study yesterday. Great vibes and perfect food and coffee.

☕️Iced chai latte with oat milk

[numbr-1fabfantasyfan]

if he posts anything ab sa awareness or smt i will fukn riot HYPOCRITICAL ASS BITCH

[seriial]

i miss h </3

[the-everqueen]

being at this conference has been a lot of professional academics telling me i’m worth more than whatever job i’m envisioning as an admin assistant or front desk worker and me telling them, Yes, but i want to eat

[whoreiaki-kakyoin]

Self care is staying home from class because while your migraine is mild and fairly manageable, you’re still pretty light sensitive and will feel absolutely nasty if you go sit under fluorescent lights for almost 3 hours in class

[jennikcledresearch]

Why is this research being done?

Current theoretical models suggest that along with eating and weight-related concerns, difficulties in social cognition have a key role in perpetuating anorexia nervosa (Treasure & Schmidt, 2013; Treasure, Stein, & Maguire, 2015). However, in the field of experimental research there is a great deal of uncertainty regarding what these difficulties look like, how they can be measured, and how they influence the illness. Previous experimental studies have largely used cartoons, written sentences, or static images of stereotypical facial expressions to assess social cognition. As these are not very naturalistic, it isn’t surprising that the findings have been often conflicting and performance on these tasks has not been reported to be linked to illness stage or severity. When more naturalistic tasks have been used, these have often involved watching film clips from well-known movies and TV shows, which can lead to problems with interpretation. Recent work has shown that people often have memories attached to film, music, and other forms of media. This can cause problems in experimental work if participants are reacting to the memories triggered by the task rather than the task itself. Finally, many previous studies have not use tasks that have been specifically tailored for people with anorexia nervosa. It is possible that generic emotional or social tasks are simply not relevant enough for this illness and thus, findings appear to show no link to eating disorder symptoms or stage.

To address the above gaps, we decided to build on the previous work. We started with the findings from our own qualitative study, which explored critical life events in anorexia nervosa. Based on the major themes identified in that study, we selected some video clips to examine perceptions of social interactions and reactions to various social situations. We focused on selecting film clips from lesser-known pieces of media to avoid accidentally tapping into memories that may influence the results. We then evaluated the video clips to ensure they would work in an experimental paradigm in an intended manner (Leppanen et al., 2022). Based on the findings from the initial pilot evaluation, we have selected a subset of video clips which enable us to assess perception of and reactions to social interactions. Now we are moving forward and investigating any differences in behavioural and brain responses to these clips between women with and without anorexia nervosa. We also intend to investigate if responses to the video clips are linked to illness stage or severity or if differences in these aspects of social cognition happen alongside the illness but don’t directly influence it.  

Who can take part?

We are currently looking for people to take part in the Social Cognition in Anorexia Nervosa (SCAN) study. We are looking for right-handed, 18 - 25 year-old women who have been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and who are able to undergo a magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scan.

What does taking part involve?

The study involves first completing an initial screening phone or MS Teams/equivalent call to ensure you are eligible to take part. The screening call takes approximately 15 – 20 minutes. If eligible, you will then be invited to attend an experimental visit taking place at King’s College London, Denmark Hill Campus. During the experimental visit you will be asked to complete questionnaires, two computerised tasks assessing social cognition, and undergo an MRI scan. During the scan you will be asked to complete another two tasks, which will enable us to study brain activation during perception of reactions to social situations. The experimental visit will take approximately 3 hours. 

After completing the experimental visit, you will be reimbursed £40 and will receive a picture of your brain.

How you can take part and/or get more information:

You can get more information about the SCAN study from here:

Or you can email me directly (jenni.leppanen@kcl.ac.uk).

Please share with anyone who may be interested!

[hoonietual]

hm.

[drunk-poets-society]

Had someone over for the night, got drunk, they had to leave cos of an emergency, left a joint w me, now I’m slightly drunk and slightly high and my first instinct was to check on my adorable baby kitties and then grab a book of Yeats’ poems ¯\_(ツ)_/¯