#tw sui attempt mention

[hulahoopsoupgroup]

ive ranted about this to my friend like 3 times this week but ill rant again because im just so fed up and angry.

21st century american capitalism is so dismal. we put everything behind a paywall. you cant exist without paying money and you cant go anywhere or do anything without paying.

you have to pay to be born and you have to pay to survive. if you cant pay to survive, you have to pay to die. theres no escaping it.

most jobs in the usa require a college degree, but a lot of people cant afford to go to college. its honestly infuriating that people cant get the jobs they want because the education is so expensive. why do i have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to the government so i can get a job that will probably only barely keep me afloat in todays economy?

why do we pay writers and artists so little when they are one of the most vital parts of society. where would we be without the painters and authors who create beautiful scenes and impactful stories?

weve overcomplicated society so much that you have to jump through so many financial hoops to just, exist. you have to have insurance for everything. everything costs so much. why do i have to pay over 2 dollars for a bottle of water at work? why are the bags of candy 5 dollars?

all of this just makes everyone miserable, no doubt. i had a conversation with 5 other people and all of us have had severe depression/anxiety, had to be medicated, or needed a lot of therapy/not been able to afford it. and im not stigmatizing therapy in any way. if i could afford it, i would absolutely go, but my job doesnt pay much, so even one session would set me back so far regarding money.

the fact that its so normal for 11-13 year olds to start experiencing severe depression is so concerning. its almost like a rite of passage. ask anyone in gen z if they were depressed in middle school and theyll probably say "yeah." thats concerning.

young people's suicide rates have risen over 50% in the past 10 years. 42% of gen z considered suicide in 2021-22. the fact that i know 3 or 4 people (myself included) who have attempted suicide before age 16 or 17 is insane.

we're so depressed about the future and reasonably so. its so bleak. the world is burning, people are killing each other over such trivial things, nobody listens to each other, and the government is just going insane. how badly do you have to screw up to make a 13 year old want to kill themself because they feel like the future is so bleak?

how badly do you have to screw up to prevent so many people from going to college and getting jobs to support themselves?

how badly do you have to screw up to bar people from something as simple as going to the doctor and earning a basic living wage?

and to think that there are still people who think this is fine. there are some people who sit back and say this all makes sense, that it makes sense that you have to pay thousands of dollars for a few stitches in your hand if you have a cooking accident, that you have to insure every last bit of your life, that people killing each other over ideological differences is natural and cant be helped.

america needs to wake the fuck up and get shit done. its destroying its own future. its making the future generation kill itself because of how miserable it is. fucking do better and maybe you wouldnt burn to the ground in a dumpster fire

[clodstyle]

Spotify really said "I know what you are :)" and suggested a song about surviving a suicide attempt, a song about having paranoid schizophrenia, then a song about having bipolar disorder. ALMOST BACK TO BACK lmfao

[doodlebugdrawz]

rating things ive done!!

- pick out my cat marisol

9/10 shes kinda annoying sometimes and bites me but i love her

- tried to strangle myself in 2022

0/10 not cool

[hootyhoowoo]

Yushi Huang my beloved + manwhore Pei Ming

[cntloup]

had enough

Toxic!Simon, unhinged reader, threatening to commit suicide, guns, mention of killing, implied cheating

Part 1 | Part 2

ik ive used this song before but whatever

“I’ll do it, Simon! I will fucking do it!” you shout while holding his gun to your head, the one he always kept under his pillow just in case. It was supposed to be there for your protection. But how he regrets it now. 

You're a complete wreck right now as you stand before him, uncontrollable flows of tears along with your makeup cascading down your face, bloodshot eyes looking back at him as you threaten to pull the trigger. 

And he has never been this scared in his life. Not even when streams of bullets come flying in his direction almost every day. 

“Put the gun down... please... we can talk about it. I will stay. I promise.” he pleads desperately, struggling to figure out what to do in this situation. 

“What does she have that I don’t have? Huh? What do they have? I don’t even fucking know how many there are anymore!” you continue yelling and sobbing while waving the gun around, stopping him dead in his tracks as he steps closer to take the gun from you. 

He ducks his head as you point the gun in his direction for a moment, “What? You think I'm gonna kill you? Whatever I do, I'll do it to myself! I can’t go on like this anymore!” you cry out, your loud sobs and hiccups fill the room, fill his senses, overwhelming him as it builds up his aggression and frustration more and more. 

“Put. The. Fuckin'. Gun. Down.” he states firmly as he gets closer, slowly reaching for the gun that you now hold by your side as you go on sobbing. 

“Why don’t you love me, Simon?” you ask while slightly tilting your head, this time in a much softer tone, almost as if you have given up the fight, now only desperate for an answer. 

Your words bring a shocked look to his face, not from the question itself, no, your question is completely valid considering his actions, but because he doesn’t know how to answer. 

He finally reaches out and takes the gun from you, your fingers loosening their grip and your sobs slowly dying down a bit, a defeated look replacing it, “Why do you do this to me? All of it? Why the fuck did you make me fall in love with you?” 

He holds his head down, not daring to meet your gaze and look into your expecting eyes as you still await an answer. 

Is it from shame? Or that he doesn’t want to confront the consequences of his actions? You don’t know which one, but you guess the latter is probably true. 

“You d-don't... can you just hold me please?” you ask in utter desperation as you shut your eyes in shame of admitting defeat.

In no time, you feel a pair of strong arms wrap you in a warm embrace. 

And after all that he’s done to you, you still feel safe in his arms, even somehow... loved? Or something resembling that.

And you remember why you always keep crawling back to him as he tightens his arms around you.

And as much as you don't like to admit to yourself, you'd feel content if he would just pretend to love you.

yes im going through some stuff as you can tell :'(

[barisolsdaughter]

—what... what in the world...

...Everything has faded, now. I'm glad my phone didn't break when it fell to the ground... At least I can keep posting, right?

This place is empty. And it's all my fault.

...

I am—

Levia Barisol. Elluka Clockworker. Nemesis Sudou.

...I have quite a bit of explaining to do, don't I...?

...Ugh... What a bothersome suicide attempt that was.

[doodlebugdrawz]

who want me to grammar check their suicide note (only ones from like years ago)

[d011zk1ll]

oh hey guys

TW: bro IS about to kill himself before he's stopped, and mentions of previous self harm. reader discression

[miles-wrightworth]

Miles and Phoenix headcanon dump

TW for self harm, abuse, disordered eating, trauma, sui attempts, scars, ableism and homophobia mentioned once

put some of your fav headcanons about them in the replies/reblogs and tell me your fav of mine!

these guys are not okay. headcanons below (not all angsty I swear)

Miles

Full Name: Miles Gregory Edgeworth

Gender: demiboy/boyflux, he/they

Appearance hcs: 

Really pretty eyes

he has many scars on his shoulder from an incident with MvK

he has some scars from a suicide attempt around his neck (ropeburn)

He has self harm scars on his forearms and thighs. Lots of them

He has scars on each of his wrists from his 1yg suicide attempt

He is VERY pasty. Like he's WHITE ASF. 

General hcs:

Has an eating disorder (anorexia-bulimia) because of MvK’s constant harsh criticism of his appearance

Struggles with self-harm (cuts on forearms and thighs)

Has tried to kill himself multiple times

When he left the ‘choosing death’ note, he meant it. He has the scars on his wrists to prove it

Trans. He hid it from MvK and has pretty much been stealth his whole life. He never goes on T, just does voice training and gets top surgery when he ‘chooses death’ in germany. He has to recover alone. (or with Void vk)

Gay. women love him, he doesn't understand wtf they're trying to do

Autistic. He doesn't understand a lot of jokes and social cues. He gets overstimulated sometimes. He has a happy stim where he doesn't flap his whole hand, just his fingers. He has a nervous stim where he grabs something or tightens his hand into a fist and squeezes. He has bled a few times from his fingernails digging into his palms from this. 

Has some internalized homophobia and ableism due to MvK >:(

Fav musical is Phantom of the Opera 

He uses Earl Grey and lavender scented cleaning products and has an extensive hair care routine. 

On that note, his hair is soft asf and Phoenix loves to pet it

Miles is an lgbtq+ icon in Japanifornia. He's a prominent political figure who is openly gay (stealth trans for a while) and he advocates for lgbtq+ rights

He is English and Japanese

He knows English, Japanese, German, French, and Borginian (after aai). He knows at least a little bit of every European language

Plays violin, flute, cello, piano

He is starved for affection (both physical and otherwise)

He hates being touched unless he completely trusts the person touching him

Hates hospitals because of DL6 when he woke up in a hospital (and because of a few sui attempts)

Is a huge cat person, but owns Pess because she’s trained to help him with panic attacks

Favorite food is German cheesecake, likes sweets a lot

Wears gay little garter socks, sleeps in silk pjs

Character development questions:

What does his bedroom look like?

Fancy queen bed with a canopy thing. Burgundy and pink bedspread with plushies secretly stashed in the closet. Has a desk with a whiteboard in front of it. Uses the whiteboard for case notes like those connection boards in police departments. Has a clean mahogany desk with a fountain pen, laptop, tasteful lamp, and legal pad on it. Post-it notes EVERYWHERE.

Any daily rituals?

Has tea at 4pm every day without fail. Gets upset if he is interrupted. Tells Phoenix how his day went every day when asked. Tends to work overtime.

Cleanliness habits?

Very clean. Has a maid when he lives alone and has Gumshoe clean his office biweekly. Once he moves in with Phoenix and Trucy, he ends up cleaning the house frequently.

Eating habits/daily menu?

Tends to skip meals, both accidentally and sometimes purposefully. Has lunch with Phoenix whenever possible. Has tea frequently. Earl gray. Likes sweets and has butterscotch on his desk and in his bag. He eats it occasionally.

Fav way to waste time?

Watching Steel Samurai, writing poetry and fanfiction, listening to music

Book genre?

Psychological horror, the DSM5, gay romance, likes stories set in Victorian era and psychology related books

Long term goal?

Use his influence to make the law as effective as possible and get justice for victims of crimes by punishing criminals

Fav beverage?

Tea. hands down. He also loves virgin strawberry daiquiris 

Coping strategies?

Self-harm (before he tries to recover). Once he marries Phoenix, he becomes comfortable going to him for help. He listens to music and watches Steel Samurai to distract himself. Has his blue cat plush that he uses to self-soothe.

Pet peeves?

Liars, slow drivers, slow walkers, has an unnatural and extreme burning hatred for child abusers/bad parents, incompetent people.

What is in his pockets?

Ornate Swiss pocket knife, fountain pen, mini packet of wet wipes, monogrammed handkerchief.

Phoenix

Full name: Phoenix Ryuichi Wright

Gender: genderqueer, he/him

Appearance hcs: 

Heterochromiaaaaa! Right eye is brown, left eye is blue

Big puppy eyes

He's pretty tan due to his partial latino heritage

He has a scar on his lip, scars on his hands, and many scars in his mouth from the glass necklace shards

He has a scar on his cheek and hand (very deep scars) from a squabble with Kris 

He has large burn scars on his side (where his kidney would be ig) from MvK’s taser

He has many scars from falling off of Dusky Bridge. Some are cuts and some are burns

He’s a chubby guy naturally. He is pretty self-conscious about it and about the fact that it makes him look more feminine.

General hcs:

Adhd. he chews his pen and bobs his leg as stims.

He has really bad abandonment issues due to his mother leaving as well as Dahlia’s betrayal and Miles’ leaving him twice

when he was around 11 his mom just dropped him at a foster center or smth and left (because she was struggling with addictions and didn't want her child to grow up in that environment and she was a single mother so she had nobody to take care of Phoenix) Phoenix grew up as a stealth transmasc in foster homes without any permanent family until he was out of the foster system at 18 and lived in a dorm

Trans. has had top surgery since he was 20. Started T at the age of 21 and got bottom surgery while studying to take the bar at 23. Mia helped him through recovering from both surgeries and she was very supportive.

His hair is naturally spiky but he gels it to make it EVEN MORE SPIKY

During 7yg he becomes an alcoholic (partially due to Kristoph’s influence) 

His alcoholism reminds him of his mother so he feels horrible about it and tries his hardest to keep it from Trucy

He has trauma from Dahlia and Kris. sometimes he can't take meds or eat certain foods because it reminds him of past trauma

Phoenix downplays his trauma or feels like it's his fault for trusting Kris/Dahlia cuz he's surrounded by people who have "worse" trauma and he's like 'oh well my parent didn't get murdered in front of me. my trauma is nothing compared to Athena or Miles' he never wants to talk about his own trauma because he feels like its invalid so he just never tells anyone and pretends its fine

He is latino and Japanese mainly (perhaps also greek teehee)

He knows English, Spanish (not as well and EG tho), and a little bit of Japanese

Can actually play piano

Love languages are touch and words of affirmation

After 7yg, he is really paranoid for a solid year or so due to Kristoph

He hates hospitals because he had to be hospitalized after Dahlia’s trial for about a month for healing his throat and stomach as well as for psychological evaluations

Wears random socks, half of the time colorful. Sleeps in boxers and a t shirt

Uses Axe body spray when 14-33, uses coconut old spice once he gets his badge back

Character development questions:

What does his bedroom look like?

Pretty messy. Clothes everywhere, a few plushies, a desk in the corner with a corkboard in front of it. He puts random files, pictures, notes, etc. on it and has some on parts of his wall. Nothing fancy. Just below a queen size bed with two pillows and a blue blanket. 

Any daily rituals?

After 7yg, he checks if the door is locked twice when he comes in the house or leaves. Always says hi and bye to Trucy as well. Always asks Trucy and Miles how their days were over dinner. 

Cleanliness habits?

He sometimes gets bursts of energy to clean. Usually tries to clean up right after he gets something messy, but forgets a lot and doesn’t clean up his dirty clothes very often. Just below average hygiene and cleanliness.

Eating habits/daily menu?

Doesn’t like to eat crunchy stuff much, but makes an exception for always getting crunchy shell tacos. He usually has an average breakfast (bagel, cereal, bacon). Meets up with Miles to have lunch whenever possible (partially to make sure Miles eats). They usually go to a casual restaurant, eat lunch for an hour or so, and then get back to their jobs. Miles, Phoenix, and Trucy all take turns making/helping to make dinner. They eat out about once a week. Sometimes to celebrate winning a case.

Fav way to waste time?

He likes drawing, annoying Miles, sleeping, and watching those dramatic stupid shows like Dance Moms and The Bachelorette.

Book genre?

He doesn’t like to read. Doesn’t have the attention span for it. But he loves comics and manga. Particularly enjoys medieval setting fictional adventure stories that have a happy ending. Occasionally reads cheesy romance novels to laugh at it.

Long term goal?

His goal in life is to be needed and remembered. He wants to help others and be remembered as a light in their lives. He wants to make a significant positive impact on the lives of the people around him.

Fav beverage?

He likes sweet tea, cream soda, and plain ol’ water the best

Coping strategies?

He tends to ramble and vent to the people he’s close to (Maya, Miles, Larry sometimes) but also tries to push them away somewhat and neglects talking to them as much as he needs to because he’s afraid he’s being annoying or clingy. He ends up pretending it’s fine even though it’s not.

Pet peeves?

People judging others, bullying, people being inconsiderate or ignorant of the needs of others, liars.

What is in his pockets?

Random trash, gum, phone, wired earbuds from a gas station, probably some random 30 cent pen.

[arrowheadedbitch]

Okay everyone, get ready for a long as hell post.

Tw, suicide attempt, suicide, suicide talk

This is my really indepth Shawn hc that is more of just straight up a story at this point

So STRAP IN!

Okay, so during the ten years, at some point Shawn is super duper depressed. He's not going well at all. He's thinking of offing himself, and he has it all planned out. But, he calls his dad first, in hopes that despite their rocky relationship his dad will talk him out of it. But, as soon as his dad picks up the phone...well, you know Henry, he assumes the worst. So Henry is already yelling at him, why are you calling, what do you need now, blah blah blah, so shawn hangs up on him without ever getting a word in edgewise, he never gets to tell him why he called, and now it's just confirmed to him that he should end it and he's feeling a little spiteful too, so he downs a bottle of painkillers, one of the ones with the candy coating, yknow? He only survives bc he didn't care to lock his apartment door and one of the random girls he's always hooking up with came by to get something she accidentally left there, he doesn't answer but the door isn't locked so she thinks she'll just slip in an get her stuff, but instead she finds shawn and gets him an ambulance. After Shawn gets better, he either manages to charisma his way into convincing the doctors that it wasn't *really* a suicide attempt and gets realesed or does his regular sneaky shit and escapes and dips town so he doesn't have to do any therapy or go to grippy sock jail.

To this day, Henry doesn't know, GUS doesn't know, NO ONE KNOWS, *shawn tells NO ONE*

And he can't take advil anymore, can't stand the candy coating.

----------

Hear me out, him accidentally letting it slip during a big argument with Henry

I'm thinking Shawn says something that alludes to what happened during the argument without out right saying it so Henry gets to be more confused than angry as Shawn realizes what he almost reveals and completely shuts down refisung to elaborate

I'm imaging that scene in modern family where Alex accidentally mentions to her dad that she did stuff she wasn't supposed to as a teen and slowly backs out of the room

-------

And I could go on a whole rant about the candy coated painkillers, and I will!

The idea of picking something that's supposed to be sweet, that is supposed to go down easier

Because that's kind of the whole point of candy coating, and Advil tastes good as hell, I don't care what anybody says

He chose something that would be sweet and go down easy for his final moments

But it ended up sickly sweet

And it still got stuck in his throat

And it burnt on the way down

He started out tasting good (there's a reason Advils child lock game is so good) but it ended up tasting awful and burning

The burn and pain contrasted with how he thought he would go out

(Maybe even a perfect metaphor for his relationship with his father too....)

The taste is stuck in his mouth forever, a taste he can never forget

The sickly sweet burn of a whole bottle of candy coated painkillers

And even just the term "Candy Coated Painkillers" feels kind of perfect for Shawn, like aiygjvifjtjejjdksndh

---

Also the fact that he never tells Gus? AUGHH hits me right in the heart

He doesn't call his mom or his best friend, he doesn't tell them, they wouldn't even know until after he was long gone

-----

Maybe Lassie finds out at some point, finally switching gears from looking for something in his criminal record to checking his medical history

Or as a favor for Juliet (thank you Sid/@obsidiancreates ) to find out the truth about a scar he won't tell her about

Lassie doesn't tell anyone, but he does switch out Juliet's stash of Advil for Tylenol, no candy coating.

Shawn finds out he knows because he gets protective of all the new suicide cases in a completely different way than before

Shawn has to tell him to tone it down before Gus starts getting suspicious

-------

And then of course, there's the major angst potential of an AU where Shawn /does/ die

Especially if told from Henry's perspective...

Especially if all of Psych is just Henry imagining what could have been if Shawn didn't die......

But that's all for now!

Enjoy, angst lovers!

[Thanks to @obsidiancreates and @mores0 for talking with me about this AT LENGTH in the Psych discord :)]

[keiiniine]

I don’t know if I actually want to like…die per se?? But…

I want my body to go cold. I want to be lying there. My fingertips turning yellow but freezing cold. My feet puffing up and going grey at the top but bright red at the soles. I want the foam to drip out my mouth with my teeth still securely on my tongue. I want to hear my mother scream as she calls my name the first few times, then grabs me and realises I’m not breathing.

Just know I’ll be laughing my ass off as she does that. If she didn’t want me here, or, well, NOT here, she wouldn’t have treated me like that, would she??

[thespritesden]

⟡ Loanne tre Moreste ⟡

spoilers for dotd (hardcover) and some ramblings under the cut.

tw in the tags, if i need to change it somehow lmk.

I'll probably make a shaded or colored ver of this at some point, but for right now it's staying as a sketch. this is supposed to be Present!Loanne, so if she's 4-5 years younger than Jes, she's... 23-24? at the time of DotD.

I imagine she also suffers from insomnia or, at the very least, nightmares like Jespar does so I gave her some dark bags under her eyes. Her hairstyle is similar to what she has in Enderal, except the bangs are falling over her forehead a bit instead of being fully tied back. Also hair bun. Gave her some moles because why not.

I don't think she's a particularly happy person, especially now. I kinda wonder what she thought after hearing that her brother ran away. Did her foster parents tell her as soon as they realized he was gone? Or did they wait since he disappeared literally the day after she'd attempted suicide? What would you even say?? How would you break that news to her???

God she must've loathed herself after that. And like, Jespar shouldn't have been responsible for her emotional well-being, as a child or as an adult. But leaving like that is fucked.

And it's especially heart wrenching when you realize that, in the end, Jespar gets home too late. He never gets the chance to apologize. Loanne isn't there anymore, because she ran away. That must've been a fucking gut-punch for Jes and I kinda hope we see that moment in the next books.

I want to see Jespar talk to his foster parents. I want to see their reactions to him coming home and his reaction to the news that his sister has run away - they don't know where she went, they can't find her. Like ough.

These two make me so fucking sad. The foster parents make me sad. Their whole family dynamic is just. Ooouugh. It's all so fucked.

here have two more songs <- I'm making a DotD playlist and these are both in there rn along with "If I Were a Weapon." I'll post it at some point, but I'm still working on it. If anyone has any song recs for Lissja, PLEASE GIVE THEM TO ME. I am struggling with her.

[crucispidey]

people who have had failed suicide attempts, if you don't mind could you please explain how it felt? like as in depending on the method you used, how it felt when you were i guess on the way to death? particularly if you tried to od please /nf

idk if that seems weird i'm just curious

[agentearthling]

absolutely nobody asked for this but I really wanted to share my thoughts on Ethel Cain's new album Perverts. it hasn't been out for long but this album already means so much to me and I haven't felt this seen in such a long time. it took a while to articulate why but I've figured out how each song speaks to me. I know this album is about Hayden's thoughts on the concept of "The Ring, The Great Dark, and Proximity to God" but this is just my own personal interpretation and relation to the tracks!

01: Perverts

this started the album out really strong (and dark) with a distorted rendition of the classic hymn "Nearer, my God, to Thee" which was one of my personal favorites that I heard and sang all the time growing up. this was followed up with one of the most unsettling things I've heard in my life - the constant buzzing and droning that continuously gets more persistent as a muffled voice repeats "heaven has forsaken the masturbator" that had my religiously traumatized self sitting on the edge of my seat. This song - including the lines "no one you know is a good person" up to the end line "it's happening to everybody" captures terrified and guilty eleven-year-old little me so well that I genuinely have not been able to listen to the song in its entirety a second time. it perfectly emulates the feeling I had when I knew without a doubt that my every move was being watched and judged by a divine entity. absolutely terrifying. masterfully well done.

02: Punish

the lead single! I do know what the song is literally actually about - and I can promise you I don't relate to pedophilia - but when I hear it I can't help but relate it to my personal experience of growing up queer and religious. "I am punished by love" is such a powerful line that I thought (although probably worded less poetically) often as a teenager and even now in my early adult years. any affection I felt - whether it was purposeful or not - was wrong and I was desperate to find a way to remove it from me through any means possible. even the line "only God would believe that I was an angel, but they made me leave" representing how I felt forced to leave the church... ugh. a little too on the nose. I love this song

03: Housofpsychoticwomn:

I'm not entirely sure how to put the way this song makes me feel into words. as the song literally says, "maybe it's not meant to be explained. maybe it's not meant to be marked down in words." this one is really personal to me. I guess instead of going into detail about what I call the "empathy epidemic" or abusive "love," I'll just say that love is something that we all crave but sometimes when it comes, it turns out to be the most terrifying and harmful thing of all.

04: Vacillator

everything about this track just blows me away. the lethargic instrumentals, Ethel's beautiful voice, the lyrics...wow. because I find Housofpsychoticwomn relatable, I definitely find this song relatable as well. the indecisiveness and hesitancy to enter any kind of relationship (romantic or platonic or otherwise), being willing to give away everything you have except for what others actually want, the contradiction of "close the door, let me in," and, of course, the famous "if you love me, keep it to yourself." is there a greater fear than the fear of letting yourself be known and being rejected anyway?

05: Onanist

this song is about masturbating. without a doubt. I know I've already talked about religion when I was discussing the other songs, but I love the way this song portrays the self titled onanist as someone who desperately wants to know God and be close to Him, but ends up giving up. Too much is being asked of them and they give in to their "worldly desires." the song sounds AMAZING also.

06: Pulldrone

the first half of this fifteen minute long track are spoken word, listing the "12 Pillars of Simulacrum," which are described as the different ways that humans try to reach God. the second half is a constant buzzing, droning instrumental (Pulldrone.) Each pillar - apathy, disruption, curiosity, assimilation, aggrandization, delineation, perversion, resentment, separation, degradation, annihilation, and desolation - seem to have unpleasant consequences. it's a reminder that no matter how hard you try, you will never be good enough to reach your goal. (But that's just how I interpreted it)

07: Etienne

almost completely instrumental, this song features melancholy piano and guitar, with an ever present static in the background. near the end, there is a spoken outro taken from a sermon tape. it tells the story of a suicidal man who tried to end his life by running continuously night after night in the hopes that he would have a heart attack. despite his best attempts, he did not perish, but after a week "he felt so good that he didn't want to kill himself anymore." as someone who has had a couple near death experiences, this song and it's outro spoke to me. I often mistake myself as an invincible person who is seemingly incapable of dying, and I tend to view it as a guarantee (or a curse, depending on how things are going) it's a sad story, but it's also quite hopeful.

08: Thatorchia

forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I think this song is about death and ascendance. it's also completely instrumental (excluding some humming), similar to August Underground and Televangelism from Ethel Cain's album Preacher's Daughter. this track is INCREDIBLY haunting and although I haven't died yet, listening to this makes me feel like this is exactly what I'll be hearing when I inevitably do. and I don't think that would be too bad.

09: Amber Waves

I know this song was available for a while on SoundCloud before this album came out, but it's still got to be my current favorite song off Perverts. I love the way the lyrics and message are melancholy - using an unhealthy coping mechanism to try and distract yourself from your failure and inadequacy - but it still sounds so comforting and hopeful. this perfectly captures how it feels to find solace and familiarity in something that is ultimately harmful for you. the lyrics, the beautiful instrumental, and even the spoken closing line "I can't feel anything" really encapsulate the inability to break out of a masochistic cycle when it's all you've known and therefore familiar and comforting to you. I fucking love this song. this entire album is a masterpiece.