#tw oea mention

[canis-constellate]

remembering how, literally just days after we found out we'd been programmed (and that the current iteration was also programmed specifically to be amnesiac to said programming, hence why we didn't find out about it for a decade), we found out one of the followers on our main (who we were already vaguely uncomfortable with but didn't pop up often enough in our notifs for us to care) believed that RAMCOA/OEA was just exo/xenotrauma. like their actual dni was "RAMCOA survivors DNI. if you have exo/xenotrauma then just say that lol"

at the time we just silently blocked and didn't say shit about them (because (A) again, found out just days earlier, and (B) this was the same timeframe as the snowchester bull that happened), but. holy fuck man.

(that was also the incident (combined with us beginning to figure out our own shit) that actually spurred on our "hey btw we support and believe folks who went through RAMCOA" post, because it hit just a liiiittle too close to home and we felt like. idk. Tainted. since this was someone who'd been following us for months and we never knew/realized. we're pretty sure they specifically added it during the snowchester debacle since we'd read through their whole pinned post before and hadn't seen it, but we're also dyslexic and have other vision issues so it's possible it was always there and we just didn't notice/see. idk.)

[ghxst-system]

as a programmed system i feel i need to say this:

if u EVER think being made to be a system is "cool" (@ THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO MAKE MORE SYSTEMS????)

FUCK. YOU.

i did not get tortured and fucking trafficked for u to destroy the meaning of a *TRAUMA DISORDER*

[cdd-system-terms]

Informant

[pt: informant. end pt]

requested by no one

An informant is a programmed or conditioned headmate that was created by a handler through abuse associated with RAMCOA / OEA.

Informants are specifically programmed or conditioned to gather information about other group members or group enemies, and provide it to a designated person such as a handler, group leader, or other authority when cued.

This term is exclusive to programmed systems

recoined from pluralpedia

[darkest-shade-of-light]

You know, I think Hawks being our host for a while should have been a big red flag warning us about programming traumas, lol. Like, the guy who was trained as a child soldier, trained to perform, and who has pseudomemories of it. That guy. Yeah.

[ghxsts-haven]

Our system was fakeclaimed by those awful subreddits. A bit ago and even a few weeks ago. We didn't see the one from a few weeks ago. But like. It's made us seriously paranoid of posting anything about our tbmc, programming, ramcoa. That we feel constantly watched. When those accounts were made as safe spaces for that shit.

That now if we dare utter it, we just get so paranoid of being watched. Terrified that our programmer will see it and find us.

But we NEEDED that safe space to be able to process it. And it makes us feel so isolated and alone. We aren't experiencing worse denial or anything. But it triggers our paranoia so bad. Especially since we have a history of harassment online, unrelated to things, most useless stuff like fandoms and all. But still. We've been fakeclaimed a lot for too many disorders, for being a programmed system, for having our fictive alters be the main Frontera and venters for this shit. Yeah. Cause every non-fictive alter is extremely personal and often more related to our tbmc and shit. The fictives are the easiest to front because they're more of a representation of our trauma and don't hold any actual trauma most of the time.

And just. Being posted and fakeclaimed, misconstrued and made to seem like we're saying every single possible alter we have is programmed, and other bs like that. While also being infantilized as just a seriously messed up probably autistic person led down the DID rabbit hole has fucked us up. It has given us worse issues and worsened our silence. When we have no professional help. When we are reliant on online safe spaces to vent and rant.

Even though it's passed largely, it forever triggers our paranoia. And as we deal with our programming, it leaves us feeling trapped. Unable to talk about it, but needing to. I fucking hate those assholes. And I fucking hate how much it has damaged our system online. When we are trying to heal our fear of online spaces and have a place to be able to vent and open up. We never reveal too much cause of our paranoia, but the fact that we have no choice and can't stop those subreddits triggers all kinds of other issues with harassment and bullying we've had growing up. And knowing damn well trying to stand up for yourself will just yield more mockery. So ignoring them is the best. I'm just so hurt and angry. Especially since it has worsened us a lot. During one of our most vulnerable times especially with a lot of other irl struggles too.

It makes us so fucking mad. And we hate that it's just a reality for systems online and especially ramcoa and programmed systems.

I'm so sorry that's happened.

We had a similar experience being fakeclaimed for our splitting- but never our RAMCOA and Programming (thankfully).

Knowing that people out there seek out people's blogs and posts, just so they can post it and laugh at horrific abuse. At torture. It's very understandable it causes paranoia. It does for us too. The people finding these though, often stumble upon them a few times then move on to the next person to be despicable to. It doesn't change the damage, but they DO move on and forget.

I'm glad it's lessened for you, but I understand the scar that can leave.

I want you to know that even though you get posted to these spaces, if you have Internet safety (never sharing your face, name, etc) your programmers cannot find you. I know it's a terrifying thought and we've dealt with it ourself, but it's not possible to find someone without a LOT of work and knowledge.

Whether you're free of them or not, you'll be safe from them online as long as you keep what may make you vulnerable within safe circles.

I hope that one day you can feel free enough to speak more openly, and you deserve that.

Fakeclaimers cannot take your lived experiences away from you. A small bit of advice I can offer is staying far away from checking those spaces- we used to, to check if we'd been posted again, but it isn't healthy to have a hypothetical in the forefront of your mind, when you should focus on healing.

This will always be a safe space for you, I hope you know that. Anon you're always welcome to come back here.

[systems-overloaded]

tw/cw in tags, but adding here as well, all unless specified have no details: implied torture, electroshock mentions, implied violence, emotional/psychological abuse with some details?, tbmc with some details but not explicit, aba and techniques with some details, doctors but not in a medical setting, implied captivity and deprivation of things, exorcisms demons possessions mentions, cult mention. (lmk if i need to add more, i will add things.)

~~~

i hope this is okay to reblog on, i dont remember alot of what id experienced, i have alot of missing memory chunks.

i dont think i went through any official ABA therapies, but i do remember by certain family members and certain adults, constantly being told i needed to use my words and being denied food, water, and the bathroom (or whatever i was asking for) until i asked for it correctly. "correctly" also involved body positions, movements, eye contact, manners and respectful titles, grammar, pronunciation and timing of the words/sentences.

like, alot of what i do remember, seems to match with how some ABA techniques were, but i dont think i ever had it in an official clinical setting? so i dont want to mislabel this.

-

i had a speech delay, and had some sort of speech issue diagnosis, if i remember correctly it was childhood apraxia, apraxic speech? but i didnt have an autism diagnosis then. i was in the same class as others, but i went to speech therapy and would be pulled out of class to get lessions.

thankfully the speech therapist i remember seemed nice. she helped me figure out how to make sounds and shapes. i had to practice a bunch, and it was always very exhausting and hard. i never officially finished, but i improved enough that the school wouldnt pay for sessions even though the therapist said i still needed them. i dont actually remember much except a couple sessions (even though i went for years) and that she seemed to mean well and truly care about me.

-

but i know with teachers and when with some family, any needs or wants or just responses to their questions, had to be verbal and had to be pronounced "normal". was always told i needed to "use my words", "like a normal person". grammer, pronounciation and timing were all needed to be deemed okay by them. and i had to repeat things alot, i also just learned not to ask for stuff because i wouldn't get it, and having to repeat everything over and over was distressing.

like for example with teachers, before being allowed to leave the class for the bathroom, i had to say "may i please use the restroom", and if it didnt flow properly, they made me repeat it until it was deemed okay. saying "bathroom please", or "need bathroom please" wasnt okay, it always had to be like full sentences. theyd always say "use your words", "speak clearly/properly/louder", "no one will listen to you if you dont learn to do this correctly".

other kids didnt need to ask to go to lunch, or give verbal phrases to be let out for lunchtime in the cafeteria, but i did. i never even thought of it as strange at the time, but looking back now, that was weird??

(it was a very small school in like the backwoods country, rural area. i don't think there was a separate special ed department, at least not like a seperate room. i could just not have seen it of course, but maybe i couldve been in some program while still in the "normal/mainstream" classrooms? sorry im unsure how to properly word this)

the teachers were way nicer than family about it, and since it was teachers i truthfully never thought about how messed up it was to deny a young child access to the cafeteria, or the bathroom, or recess, because they struggled with their speech.

-

my family was very cruel about it all though, family was cruel. "use your words properly", "like a normal person". they were very strict about denials of food/liquids, leaving the room, going to the bathroom. they denied stuff for much longer (for hours and days for some things), and sometimes the rewards were just the stopping of punishments/hurt/harm, if that makes sense. theyd keep hurting me until i spoke properly and was able to block out the pain and signals at the same time. confusing to explain the process, without too many trauma details, but it was bad. theyd shock me a bunch sometimes too.

i think they thought that by disconnecting me from the body more, speech would become more of an automatic cognitive process, rather than a conscious one. and since i struggle to create shapes and words, i struggle with planning, so they wanted to bypass the planning and conscious connection parts of my brain, and just get straight to the automatic speech processing somehow, creating "proper speech". there were alot of sessions for teaching and programming proper speech phrases in me. to make me "normal", "natural", "useful".

but there were also sessions to "get rid of the demons", alot of "exorcisms" and my seizures (maybe PNES idk) were often used as evidence that there was something evil within me. i dont know yet if this was actually related to my speech issues or other autistic traits, or if it had more to do with loyalty and asking questions instead of strict and blind obedience of all things, bc some leaders did teach that asking a question was a demon influencing your mind.

aside from speech though, with family, my body lanaguges were very important. teachers only cared about my speech. family cared about entire body and being and demenor, i needed to "know my place" and be "normal" so i could "do my job", i couldnt bring shame to the family, the family name, the "church" (cult), the _______, stuff like that.

so even if my speech was good, then often my eye contact wouldve been too much or too little, or i didnt smile enough, too little or too much emotions, or i was fidgeting or not standing upright and still. there was always something to nitpick in how i needed to change.

and outside of the more intense (and now fairly obvious) abuse, it was just all the day to day encounters and threats to always correct me. had to speak and behave an exact way in every interaction (afaik, that i remember) or it was called out, ridiculed, threatened, told id "clearly needed more sessions if this was the best you (i) could do".

-

so, it wasnt ABA, the way i understand ABA. but it was ABA-adjacent maybe for the at school stuff with teachers? and ABA-adjacent (plus TBMC) done by non-professionals? (well, maybe they were profesionals, just not my official clinical professionals? if that makes sense. many of them worked in the medical settings at varying degrees/levels, in part bc it gave some assess to the drugs theyd needed. so they couldve been professionals but just not me going in a clinical official capacity?)

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is anyone whos read this, and gone through ABA, comfortable sharing if they feel calling the stuff within the schools as ABA-adjacent or as saying i went through something similar to ABA is appropriate? i think the stuff with family more lines up with mostly TBMC and just reinforcing that throughout normal life so the sessions stick. but im unsure what to call the school stuff, i wouldnt ever think to call that TBMC of course, but i dont know if it would be something like ABA?

i dont feel alot like i really need labels for things necessarily, although i do love for things to fit into boxes and labels. but i just really dont have a good understanding of if the school stuff was just normal and healthy and not ABA, or if i just think it wasnt because it was so mild in comparison to my other experiences, i hope this makes sense. i dont know a good baseline for what is healthy amounts or methods of discipline and teaching?

TW: ABA therapy in detail

me n my best friend were talking about ABA and actually specifically talking about talking

did you know ABA therapists try to act as speech therapists without being speech therapists? in fact most, if not all, ABA centers do not have a speech therapist on their team!

at my ABA center they would attempt to force all the kids to use oral speech. ABA therapy is disproportionately used for higher support needs kids who are more likely to have lower speaking abilities if they have the ability at all.

many of the kids there would only speak in a few words or sentences and one was unable to speak at all. kids were denied AAC if they had any speaking ability because they wanted to "encourage speech" and thought AAC would discourage it (something disproven by studies many times). they were constantly scolded and told to "use their words" when they were upset or wanted something. they would try to teach them to talk by forcing them into it.

the one girl who was allowed AAC was the girl who had no speaking ability. she was treated like a puppy doing tricks whenever she would use her AAC device to talk. most of the time she too was denied AAC. the therapists would talk behind her back about "how smart she is to use that tablet" and "how good she is at it" all while denying it to her. they would put her in bad sensory environments without any way to communicate. as my best friend said, this was essentially torturing her.

even kids who could usually speak were scolded when losing speech. if a person who had more speaking ability shut down and lost that speech they were scolded and "lost points" (<- forgot the actual terminology used) for not "using our words."

we were expected to talk the entire time even if we were tired and wanted a break. (everyone at the center struggled with speech to some degree) I really do mean the entire time. these sessions were multiple hours long. we weren't allowed to do things silently. I don't know how much this standard was applied to the kids with less speaking ability but I imagine their experience was similar.

speaking was mandatory to access food or water. particularly those of us with more significant speech problems were expected to ask for it 2, 3 times using verbal speech if we wanted it. it was withheld if they couldn't.

speech was not just expected it was mandatory and failing meant your time in hell was longer. they did not want to focus on building effective communication (which is honestly something an SLP should be doing) they wanted to force speech. it didn't matter that this would not work for many of the kids, that being nonverbal or losing speech are not choices someone makes or something in our control. they didn't care.

reblogs okay (and encouraged)

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Tw: brain damage, nerve problems ig?, medical stuff, abuse, seriously don't read if not in a good headspace

You know what gets me upset? That I now shake all the time an walk like a baby deer bc my mother hit me in the head all the time. She would would make a "game" out of it. She would hit my head against walls, doorframes, cabinets, ect. An say things like "10 points". An laugh in my face spitting through her laughing.

So now I have actual health complications due to her assholeness. I fucking hate her. She's not my mother.

[tales-from-syscord]

Tw: Talk of religion, abuse, and church/mass shootings

We had been in a syscord one day and they had like a kinda tw chat where you could talk about potentially triggering topics which most people weren't a fan of but some liked it. We went on because they were talking about things that maybe systems didn't exactly go through but were exposed to (think like at a young age being forced to watch a crime scene tape, they weren't physically there but were still traumatized by it)

We mentioned about how at 11, our grandfather (a church minister) showed actual footage of a church shooting. We mentioned how for years we were genuinely terrified of stepping foot in there in case our church was next. Well we got told that "it didn't count" and we were "mocking actual religious trauma" (mind you we do have some, we aren't like OEA (hopefully used the right acronym we're still trying to learn) but do have some religious trauma that caused some splits). We then tried to mention how even stuff like being in a school at the time in Florida when Parkland happened and we got muted for two days for "mocking" when we were trying to talk about something that genuinely caused us some harm, especially since everyone else could and didn't get in any trouble.

Last I (main fronter) knows, a protector left after calling the staff a choice of names that we are proud of.

Also have another one we might do tomorrow so we don't fill your inbox too much

-🕷️🌌

Dude WHAT. That's honestly wild, I'm so sorry guys.

Things that are traumatizing to you aren't mocking. It affected you deeply and that's a horrible way for them to reply.

The acronyms are OEA (organized extreme abuse) and RAMCOA (ritual abuse, mind control, organized abuse). They are different acronyms that stand for different things, but they are similar.

As far as I know, OEA is similar to the OA part of RAMCOA.

Also, feel free to spam our inbox! We'll get to them all eventually, whether you do it now or later it probably won't affect when we end up reading them :)

[ben-marco]

so glad i blocked leigon and many but one a while ago simply because they did things that i personally found weird (although many but one did say on tumblr that they "didnt care" about legion proudly claiming to be a radfem.. so. idk)

i feel like the amount of slideshows and stuff of them graphically describing things that happened during the abuse they both faced was a bit odd, i mean they had TW / CWs but still. i found myself going back to those slideshows continuously to try and trigger something because, guess what, it did trigger things, and im so desperate for that smoking gun of proof that i'll do anything. which in hindsight just feels dangerous. i dont trust either of them to be good people, especially since on many but one's tumblr they just spouted slurs they couldnt reclaim in response to someone saying that a term they used is derogatory (and they defended that by saying "[alter] was using it to describe herself" which doesn't erase the meaning behind the term..)

leigon posts vents a lot without any trigger warnings, and blocks / unfollows people at random for simply disagreeing with them. ive heard that they also tend to get their followers on people's asses if they talk about how leigon spreads misinfo!

as someone with npd i used to just dismiss it by saying "oh they have npd i get it" but no... what is even going on at this point. their whole alpha to omega document is just full of misinfo (mainly the fact that not all programming types use greek letter names, i think they just pulled that out of their ass to make the document "aesthetic"), which is sad because it is really well written.

Thank you so much for bringing this up, anon. I always thought those posts were really strange, too.

When people post extremely detailed, graphic/triggering things like that, it makes me wonder what their motive is. What do they expect from those posts and from people's responses to them? What are they looking for? I've known people who post things like that and all of them have either been bad actors or people who are so unstable that they really should be working on basic stabilization before they delve into these spaces to begin with.

Posting things like that is so, so, so dangerous too. For the poster and for people seeing it. I think a lot of people are drawn to return to that kind of content to see if it triggers them-- and guess what, that content is triggering and upsetting to most sane people, survivors or not. Most people are going to be upset by, or triggered by, graphic discussions of OEA and surrounding topics.

I just...don't think those kinds of graphic posts benefit anyone. You're putting that information out there about your abuse/trauma for god knows who to see (and in Legion's case, attaching your face to it too), potentially putting yourself in danger, and for what? So someone else can see it and be triggered by it?

I said earlier that I've only ever seen this kind of behavior in people who are bad actors or just very destabilized. And honestly I feel like Legion is a bad actor at this point, especially due to their defensiveness and their willingness to weaponize their followers against anyone who disagrees with them, as you mentioned. Their transphobia and participation in radfem circles is certainly a huge problem but it's not the only issue with them or their behavior.

I don't really know anything about Many But One other than that they associate with Legion, so I appreciate you mentioning those things about them.

[ghxst-system]

"children arent human until 18"

genuine quote that was just said to me.

so... i wasnt a human when they tortured me? i wasnt a human when i had everything taken away from me? i wasnt human?

but i felt like one. i had the feelings of one.

[imperfectvictim]

oea/ramcoa survivor. trauma-induced control freakitis. figure out the rest yourself.

blanket warning for csa, incest and trafficking & more not mentioned. no tws on individual posts

[the-solar-envoys]

Okay, but having an (alleged) cult leader as a stepmother is so fucking wild. Every time I tell stories about her people are blown away and like, oh honey that’s not even scratching the SURFACE of things.

I’m working on a document that includes every single thing her and my dad have pulled and my god, it’s a lot. Lol. I could talk for hours about everything. See, I find this funny now because I’m incredibly dissociated from it. But that’s a problem for future me!