#tw implied/presumed suicide

[qierxing]

Memento Mori

Sequel to To be or Not To Be Commissioned by the lovely @achromaticbibliophile A/N: oh my god the halloween series was 3 years old??? insaneee

TW/CW: Manipulation, Implied Mutilation, Slight suicidal ideation, Human experimentation, slight religion text tones

Log - XX/XX/XX, 5:00

I’m not sure how humans do these things, but Azul insisted upon it. Something about ‘posterity’ and ‘how humans do so’. Floyd never particularly cared for it but I do find it quite fascinating. Perhaps I shall enjoy this a lot more than I thought.

The operation was, in my opinion, quite a success. It took a lot of sedatives, but the subject did manage to calm down once it began registering in their bloodstream. The cut was clean, barely any bleeding. Azul’s precision is exactly how I remember in the past.  

The subject’s organ has been stored in a safe place. Remarkably, the subject did not pass away, as presumed. I have read in a textbook that ‘without a functional heart, a human cannot live for long’. Of course, I’m sure this is dependent on several factors. After all, we are undead, and yet, by the sheer power of human will, we are once again able to walk and talk. Humans are really fascinating creatures. They lack the hardiness of us seafolk, yet they are resilient in many other ways.

I suspect Azul has something deliciously delightful planned. I do so look forward to it.

—

Your fingers had lost any feeling it may have had. The numbness wasn’t really a problem. You didn’t feel cold or hot, nor did you feel any pain. 

And Azul made sure you weren’t uncomfortable.

He had been very sweet from the moment you opened your eyes to the quaint bedroom you had been resting in. He didn’t frown or scowl when you couldn’t answer any questions about yourself, even when you couldn’t remember your own name. When he started crying, you weren’t sure of what to do besides to awkwardly offer him a tissue from your bedside table. (Are tears supposed to be black?)

When you roamed the hallways, lost and disoriented, his fellow ‘acquaintances’ (his exact words) would always manage to find you and redirect you. They were a little more jarring than Azul. Floyd's smiles always bared sharp teeth, and Jade’s polite smile only did enough to hide the very ends of his own. The medicine you had to take daily from Jade went down as well as a terrible whiskey shot.

Still, it wasn’t bad.

You once questioned their roles in all this. Who would bother taking care of a disheveled amnesiac? Azul only smiled and tucked you in your bed to rest. 

“It’s only right to take care of someone who is ailing,” he said with a kind smile. “How could we leave you alone like that?”

You open your mouth, but he interrupts you with, “Now, go to sleep. You need the rest.”

And that’s that. He shuts the light off before you can even say that he’s doing way more than needed for hired help. 

—

Lab Test Results - Blood

Color has started to become a dull, grayish red. Clotting seems to happen more frequently, causing blockage in veins. May need to adjust drug dosage.

-A

—

He can’t relax. 

Thump.

The undead cannot sleep as there was no need to, but Azul’s muscles remain taut with nerves as he lays on the bed next to you, staring up at the ceiling. 

He flinches when you speak up.

“I can’t sleep.” 

The sentence is spoken so matter of factly that it takes a moment for Azul to realize there’s an undercurrent of unease within. 

“Why not try counting sheep?” 

“Counting sheep?”

“I heard it is what people do to fall asleep.” Actually, he read it in a book somewhere in your vast collection, but the details didn’t really matter. “The repetition will make you feel sleepy.”

It makes sense. With repetition comes boredom, and with boredom, the brain will eventually lack the stimulation to keep the body awake. 

“Azul, did you help me sleep before?”

Thump. Thump.

“Of course,” he lies, because it’s all he can do at this point. “And I always will.”

Finally it’s quiet enough that Azul feels himself relaxing, his teeth unclenching, back muscles losing their tension. He thinks you’ve fallen asleep and just as he’s about to get up–

“Why did you fall in love with me?”

Thump. Thump. Thump.

His throat dries as he tries to find the words to answer. Through the darkness, he can still feel your glazed eyes watching him, waiting. 

“I…”

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. 

He’s left staring at you, his eyes wide with barely held back terror. Why did he love you? He just didn’t want to be alone again, left in the cold, cold sea–

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

“Just go to bed,” he finally says brusquely. Azul turns his back to both conversation and you as he tries to muffle the sound ringing in his head. No, not even his head: it’s like his whole body was subject to each vibration and thud.

He closes his eyes and wills his body to shut it out. 

It’s a very long, long time, before it stops beating.

—

The Collector seems to enjoy a variety of interests.

Colorful butterflies are painstaking pinned down in ornate cases upon the wall–each tiny specimen labeled with careful detail underneath. Danaus plexippus. Papilio dardanus. The names blur by as you glance over to the bookshelves underneath. The wooden oak shelves groan with the weight of knowledge; every single inch crammed with textbooks ranging from biology to chemistry. Next to those are glass domes containing elaborate displays of taxidermied animals–a dire wolf head yawns wide with frightfully sharp teeth in one, while a falcon is roosting on a fake perch in another. 

The sight brings a sense of sadness, though you’re not sure why. Perhaps it’s because these belongings will never be properly cherished again now that their owner is gone. 

“Enjoying the sights?”

Your eyes meet mismatched gray and gold. For identical twins, Jade and Floyd couldn’t be further apart in terms of personality. The quirks do make it easier to differentiate them, at least.

“Just curious.” 

Jade’s smile widens, barely hiding his amusement. 

“Is that so? About what, exactly?” You’re not sure what answer he’s looking for. If anything, there are many things to be curious about in your situation, but not many are enough to make someone laugh, unless they were purposefully malicious.

“Just in general. There’s just a lot to see.” You truthfully say. This room could pass for a museum exhibit just from how many items and books are held here alone. But that’s not entirely why you’re so drawn to it. The well loved items in this room must mean that it’s a room you favored.

And yet, you just cannot conjure up any kind of memory to mind. And so, all you can do is see yourself through another’s eyes, even if they must have a different name.

“The only cool thing about this dusty place is that,” a bored voice pitches in, and you both turn to see Floyd pointing at the taxidermied dire wolf and its open maw. Your stomach feels unsettled at the gleam in Floyd’s eyes as it slides over the sharp teeth of the animal in genuine admiration.

“Oh my, Floyd,” is Jade’s only reply, but you can tell he’s having fun at your unease.

“Azul’s calling you, by the way, Jade,” Floyd adds nonchalantly, with a lazy thumb pointing behind him. “I’ll watch shrimpy here.”

“I resent that name,” you say with a sigh as Jade’s chuckles follow him out the door. 

“You’re short, small, and cute,” Floyd’s grin stretches wide with no shame, unlike his twin. He leans over, practically swallowing you up in his height. “I could eat you whole.”

You narrow your eyes and hold your stance, refusing to be cowed into shrinking further into yourself. After a couple seconds, Floyd is already bored of trying to shake you up, sauntering over to an empty chair and slouching in it ungracefully.

“What’s Azul doing?” you ask, trying to sound casual.

“Dunno. Somethin’ about an experiment or other.”

Your eyebrows furrow as you process the information. Was there a lab in this house you weren’t aware of?

—

Log - XXX/XX/XX, 20:36

Can’t find the skeleton key. Azul’s gonna be mad, but I don’t really give a damn. I’ll ask Jade if he has an idea where it is.

—

The attacks just won’t stop. 

You wipe furiously at your nose and mouth. Thankfully, most of it started to clot and dry, but the damage has been done. Deep brown red stains the front of your shirt and skin, making it all sticky and uncomfortable to touch. For a moment you only stand and look at yourself, dazed eyes barely processing your shaky hands.

Thump. Thump.

Slowly, you look up. Azul is standing in front of you, mouth aghast and face twisted in shock. A ringing in your ears prevents you from hearing most of the words he’s saying as your limp body staggers into his sturdy arms. Something is injected in your arm, a sharp clean pain that has you looking down at the needle stuck into your veins, pumping unknown liquid into your body. 

Bit by bit, your vision stabilizes and the strange vibrating starts to fade away. Azul’s voice, flooded with worry, begins to process in your ear drums.

Thump. Thump.

“--ame]!” His hands are shaking on your arms. “Are you okay?!”

You only nod unsteadily. “Yeah…”

Azul bites his lip, worrying his teeth over the bottom lip. “T-This isn’t right, you shouldn’t be already suffering from more attacks, something isn’t right–”

This is enough to jar you from your dizziness. Furrowing your eyebrows, you turn and ask, “What do you mean?”

His face goes even paler. His eyes quickly dart away as he squeezes your hands, hard. A peek of something catches your eye.

Stitches. 

Black and metallic, winding around the joint of his wrist. Azul sees where you’re looking before he quickly covers it up with his sleeve, but it’s too late. 

When he tucks you back into bed, you’re already wondering what kind of injury could warrant such obvious needlework. So obvious, it almost rendered him…

doll-like.

—

Log - XXX/XX/XX, 3:23

I’ve looked through every textbook and gone through all their notes. Is there really no other way? I thought it was a chance that the operation went astounding well–how can the aftereffects be like this? 

I can’t give up now.

-A

—

The Collector’s house was not large, but it was roomy enough.

The wooden panes and foundation didn’t creak with old age quite yet, but the oaken color is beginning to fade in the time that’s passed, and the glossy sheen of polish is beginning to chip away.

A door stood before you, quite ordinary looking, despite the fact it was the only locked door in this house. You didn’t miss how Azul and others had tried to herd you away from it, even if they were quite subtle. But if you were to recover some semblance of your memories, it would be best to rip off the bandaid, no matter how painful.

The lock relents with the iron black key, turning with a heavy click. When you open the door, it doesn’t creak open dramatically, but swings out normally. It’s almost disappointing, really.

Inside is just as ordinary. It seems to be a study, well furnished just like the exhibition room. An oak desk is placed near the large window, alongside several bookshelves and monitors. The desk’s surface can barely be seen under the copious amounts of strewn and stacked books and papers, all looking like they’ve been rifled through recently. A section of the study seems to have some dedicated desks for alchemy, with various ingredients scattered over the surface. There’s several hanging artworks and posters, although most of them are shadowed by the large poster board covered in pins and notes. 

You glance at the posterboard, trying to make heads or tails of the scrawling notes. There’s yellowed parchment paper that looks to be real old, and you strain your eyes to try to decipher the aged text.

Guidelines for XXXXX

Thou shall NOT befriend the undead. We are the light, and they’re the dark. Our worlds can never join and the boundaries for them must be maintained.

Your skin prickles at the ominous scripture. Underneath the aged manuscript, a post-it is scribbled with hurried hand writing.

*This will cause the subject to grow attachments that may linger on even if they are exorcised. Take special care to not show extra emotion.

The detailed annotations continue on. 

Thou shall NOT incur the undead’s memories. 

*This will only confuse the subjects in the long run, but also send them on a frenzied hunt for ‘missing’ memories-which as listed above, will make them cling tighter to trying to stay alive. (MAKE SURE FRANK UNDERSTANDS)

Your skin prickles with dread. Why would someone need to take such detailed analysis of such an outdated and religious text? It sounds all too fantastical. Pushing back the feelings of unease, your eyes dart to a clipboard hanging to the side and reach out to it.

Subject #003

Cause of Death: Unknown

Description: Medium-length silver hair, blue eyes, and lanky medium small build. Mole near mouth.

Notes: Subject does not exude much hostility. Capable of utilizing core body functions including the brain. 

What? Subject? Cold sweat begins to form at your back. Does that mean…the Collector was a necromancer? But these descriptions sound so much like…you clasp a hand over your mouth in horror.  

No. No, no, it can’t be. Maybe you misunderstood something. Was the reason why Azul and others like that because…

Your mind flashes back to the black metallic thread winding through flesh and bone and nearly retch. Oh Seven…

Something trembles underneath your feet and you look down to see the floorboards shaking. 

Thump. 

Your chest aches. You begin to kneel, as if drawn to something that calls for you. 

Thump. Thump.

Your nails scrabble at the floorboards, trying to find the grooves to pull. 

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

Finally your nail catches the gap and tug a stray board up, sweat running down your back and forehead. You’re practically gasping for breath now, physical and mental exertion taking a toll on you.

Your hand finds the glass jar, covered in dust and grime. When you wipe away the soot, your eyes widen in horror. 

—

Log - XX/XX/XX, 6:45

Subject has been acting rather suspicious lately. It’s rather funny how they think they’re being so sneaky. Azul would not enjoy me playing with my prey like this, but I can’t help it, they’re quite cute. Besides, Floyd has also been slacking in keeping tabs.

However, this game is soon coming to an end, I feel. Subject has been coughing up more and more blood from the internal bleeding, most likely due to that organ being removed. Azul is dead set on finding a different way to solve this but…

Well, who knows?

—

THUMP. THUMP. 

“Shut up, shut up–” The vibrations have skyrocketed into pounding on the walls, the floorboards, and the very foundation of the house. Black tears start blotting his vision from the sheer agony of hearing the noise, like grating nails on chalkboard, but worse, because there has been no end to it, not since the past few days.

Papers and books are scattered around him and he knows he must look crazy, kneeling amongst the mess and desperately trying to find anything to make sense.

Report #XX

Frank, that bastard. He raised the dead, but if we get caught by the Association, we’re gonna be in hot water.

Reversing the process of necromancy is not easy, but it’ll be somewhat easier than reviving them. Just have to take precautions. Those modern tool assholes back at school laughed at me, but look at what traditional magicks became relevant. 

He scrabbles at the papers again, shuffling through it at high speed. 

He’s already read this so many times, but there’s nothing else. No more hidden trails or clues, just your practical notes.

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.

His scream of anguish rings out in the room, hollow and ringing. 

“Azul?”

He stops, blot dribbling down his chin. When he turns around, his eyes widen at you standing behind him, clutching a very familiar jar. 

“It isn’t what it looks like,” he tries to explain, mind rapid fire thinking of excuses to throw you off the truth. Even if everything is already falling to pieces. What was Jade and Floyd doing? They should’ve been preventing-

“Don’t.” Your voice is soft, but it silences Azul immediately. 

The two of you stare at each other, unsure of what to say. 

“They’re gone.” 

Azul thinks he’s hearing things, at first. Your voice is so hushed that it could scarcely be heard over the pumping of the organ. 

“What?” he laughs, blot trickling to a slow drip.

Your face doesn’t change. 

“They told me everything. What you’ve done. What I’ve done.” You look down at the jar, conflicted. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you talking about, my sweet-”

“Floyd said he’s tired,” you interrupt, not letting him finish. “And Jade said he’s bored. So…I released them.”

“...what?”

You look at him with sorrowful eyes that both mourn and pity. 

“They’re gone, Azul.”

No. No, no. No no no, that’s not true. He just talked to Jade this morning. Floyd mumbled something about checking out the exhibition. They couldn’t, they wouldn’t do such a thing-

“I spared you,” his voice comes out in a breathless whisper. “I could’ve thrown away your heart for what you’ve done to me and my kin, but I didn’t. And now you’re going to betray me too?”

Your expression hardens. 

“Azul, the dead do not belong here,” you look at the beating heart in your hands again. “We do not belong here.”

“What are you doing?” His voice rises with panic at you examining the jar with an unreadable expression. You ignore him and in a flash of movement, you raise the jar above your head. 

“NO!” 

But it’s too late. The jar meets the fireplace near him with a thunderous CRASH and glass is flying everywhere, and he’s lunging forward despite the pain digging into his skin-

In seconds, there’s a flame roaring in the hearth and he screams again, as if it is his heart in there, burning alive. 

Blood trickles down your face as he whips towards you, but you show no sign of defeat or pain, but smile widely at him. 

He’s left clutching a cold body by the time the embers blow out in the hearth, leaving only ash and charcoal in its depths. Dark blot dribbles down his cheeks once more, but this time, he doesn’t bother wiping it away, letting the darkness pool around him and swell. 

In the dark void, he whispers an ardent promise to a soul that’s long departed. 

“No matter how long it takes, I will bring you back.”

[fortheunsungheros]

Soooo I was going through all of my old school assignments to transfer them to my personal Google account (transferring schools sucks 😭) and I found a bunch of outsiders stuff I wrote! I wrote this for a POV of Johnny assignment and somehow didn’t get sent to the counselors office THIS time. And yes I was a Johnnyboy ship at the time. TW for implied suicide (yes I’m a messed up 13 year old lmao)

————————————————————————

I see Ponyboy gasping for air without any success. His screams and pleads for help are eventually silenced by an overwhelming quiet sensation. He’s drowning, Ponyboy is drowning I think to myself. I see his typical tan skin turn to a shade of icy blue and that’s when I decide enough is enough.

Ponyboy is my best friend, I can’t lose him. Him and the rest of the greasers are the only ones I keep myself on this Earth for. My parents could care less if I was alive or dead, the greasers are my real family. Pony came to me when Darry slapped him, that shows how close we are. He didn’t flee to Dally, Two-Bit, or even Steve; he chose me. Pony may be the only one who would ever choose me.

A wave of anger washes over my normally uneasy self. I begin to scream on the top of my lungs, “Let him go, you stupid soc!”. My calls are replied to by a snarky remark by Bob, the soc that makes my stomach curdle the most.

“ What are you gonna do about it, little greaser? You're clearly just a weak little boy. We beat you up last time no problem. You didn’t even try to fight back.” Bob says, chuckling. He turns to David, the man drowning Ponyboy, and says “Just kill him Davey, he’s too scared to save his own boy.”

Something inside me turns on. It’s almost like a lightswitch was flicked, changing my personality from shy and skittish to enraged and dangerous. I reach into my back pocket and feel for my switchblade for comfort. I really don’t want to do this but it seems like the only way. I grab my weapon from my pocket and display it for all the socs to see.

“Oh wow little greaser, whatcha gonna do, cut us?” Randy said, nudging Bob as he pretended to be afraid.

I flip open my switch blade and gather my thoughts. I shouldn’t do this, it’s so wrong. Yes, these guys are bad but they are still young with a whole life ahead of them. Then again, they are trying to kill my best friend. It’s almost like an angel and devil are on my shoulder, fighting each other until one becomes victorious.

My feet begin charging at Bob. It’s like I can not control my own movements. I take my weapon and stab it into Bob’s chest. I can feel the blade piercing through the young man’s skin. His face looked absolutely horrified. Bob grabs the knife from his chest and attempts to jab me. I quickly reverse the blade's direction back onto him. It’s like a ferocious animal takes over my body. I stabbed him eight more times in the chest. But he refuses to give up for approximately a minute. Bob reminds me of Dally, he is a fighter. Eventually, Bob's body slumps down to the floor. He is presumably still alive, but clinging onto life.

“Weak little greaser. Nobody will ever love you.”, Bob says with the last bit of strength he can compile. His breathing begins to shallow before his breaths stop abruptly. I’ve killed someone.

What have I done? My heart began beating a million miles a minute. My chest begins to tighten to the point it becomes difficult to breathe. All I can do is stare at Bob’s lifeless body, the life of it in which I stole. How could I have killed someone? He was so young as well. Although he acted mature for his age, Bob could not have been older than 17 or 18. He had a whole future of opportunities upon him and I stole his life in such a violent way. I’m sure his parents will be heartbroken with the news that their son has perished, especially given the circumstances in which he died. I am truly a monster.

The rest of the socs are terrified. David drops Ponyboy onto the hard park surface and begins to run. He yells to the other three men “Come on boys, we gotta get outa here!”. The rest of the socs abandoned Bob at the first sight of trouble. While we were walking to the park, Ponyboy told me about the conversation Cherry and him had about the differences between greasers and socs. I would tell Ponyboy that I found another difference, greasers are loyal to their brotherhood while socs are not. I might not be able to tell him this, let alone anything else after this fateful night.

I run over to Ponyboy's limp body and begin screaming. “Ponyboy no!” I grab his body and begin hugging him so hard his head might pop off. “Don’t leave me, please. I love you, you're a brother to me.” I say to Ponyboy as tears seep from my eyes rapidly. I grab his shoulders and begin shaking him, hoping to wake him up from this bad dream. My eyes stare at his blue tinted face until my visibility is obstructed by my own tears. I lay down next to him and hug him tight.

What am I supposed to do now? Not only am I a murderer, my best friend and my world is dead. I can’t go to the slammer, Dally is walking proof that place messes you up. Also, how am I supposed to live without my best friend? My mind turns to the worst thought I possibly have ever possessed. I have a knife. I could end all of this pain now.

I release my arms from Pony and sit up. My hands visibly shake as I grab my knife, the same one I used to stab Bob. His cherry red blood is still lying on the blade. I never thought my life would end like this. I thought I would die an accomplished old man warm in my bed with my loving family beside me. Never would I think I would die young alone in a park.

I look at Ponyboy again. He still appears lifeless, taking shallow breaths irregularly. My focus returns to the knife. I can’t run from the fuzz for the rest of my life. Plus, my parents won’t care if I’m dead, it’s more money to spend on drinking for them. The greasers will forget about me eventually. The only one who ever would have cared about me was Ponyboy.

Before I take action, I reflect on what my life was. It’s sad, you know, how one action can ruin your entire life. I think of my parents, probably slumped over drunk with no idea of their son's current situation. I think of Darry and Sodapop, the people who love Ponyboy and how concerned they must be. Lastly I think of Bob, who’s life I stole too soon. I hope I’m the afterlife I can apologize for my horrendous actions. I truly am sorry. I flip my blade open and with tears in my eyes, I begin cutting my wrist. Before any skin is broken, a sound stops me dead in my tracks.

Suddenly, I hear Ponyboy coughing. I run to his aid to turn him over. He’s alive. Ponyboys alive. Not only is Ponyboy alive, I’m alive. He’s the only reason I’m living right now.

“Johnny? Is that you?” Ponyboy said in a state of deliriousness.

“ I’m here Pony, relax you're safe.”I say trying to hold back my own tears to keep him calm.

“Where are those socs?” Ponyboy says trying to gather his scattered thoughts.

“I killed him, I said slowly. I killed that boy.”

————————————————————————

[hamilando]

ੈ✩‧₊ You drew love around my scars ੈ✩‧₊

Pairing : Wen Junhui x Male reader

Words : 1.5k

Genre : Angst, High-school au, Popualr guy- Unknown guy

TW : Angst, Depression, Suicide, Self harm, Implied family problems but not mentioned, reader does not have friends.

Music : Cardigan by Taylor Swift

A/N : The fic contains mature themes, I don’t mean to offend anyone with the writing.

“Mingyu hold his legs, today I shall end it all by cutting his legs”, Hoshi claimed before running after Jun towards the locker room.

“Hoshi, you are just jealous that I scored the winning goal and well won the hearts of the girls too.” Jun said while running around the football team members trying to avoid being caught by Hoshi. 

Before this police-theif catch could come to an end, their captain stopped Hoshi by the collar and tried to explain these two children fighting like kids.

“You tiger spirited man, stop being jealous of him.”

“Seungcheol hyu-”

“And you, Jun, stop making him jealous, just fight with him when we are done”

“Sure Hyung”

Well Hoshi could not stand this blow to his tiger spirit, so before any member could stop him, he slapped Jun’s butt and ran away screaming, “BYE LOSERS, ALSO CONGRATUALTIONS FOR WINNING AGAIN!”

Seungcheol could just ask the gods as to what he did to deserve to have team member like him.

“Well guys, Congratualations, we did well this season, and I guess you would all like celebrate. And before you all go that being the captain I should treat you all, today at 8pm, at Cheng’s Diner, be there, I will welcome you all with my broke wallet.”

“OUR LEADER IS THE BEST!”, the members exclaimed before thanking the leader the personally, making their way to the diner.

Jun wanted to freshen up a little bit and told the members to excuse him and told them that he would directly meet the members at the diner.

As Jun made his way to the locker rooms, he thought how is life would be if he didn’t choose football in the freshman year. He would not be the popular guy girls threw upon, nor would he have met his football brothers nor would he have gotten the scholarship to the university, well technically there are 3 months left but Jun is sure that he will be the one the receiving it.

When he reached the locker room, he was quite surprised to see the showers of one of the stalls running, 

“Is anyone there?”

No response.

“C’mon if it’s you Hoshi, I am gonna cut your dic-”

The shower stopped running. Puzzled as to who might be there, Jun went to the shower room and –

“YOU, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!”

Jun rushed to the guy sitting on the floor and slapped the blade out of the guy’s hand. He had just witnessed a guy trying to take his own life and had no idea what to do. The guy was still sitting on the floor, with his heads on his knees, silently sobbing, the hand he wanted to cut just hanging limply. 

Jun had never experienced such a situation and had no idea on what to do. He quitely sat down next to the boy, slightly grimacing on feeling the wet floor, but then focusing on the other topic on hand; Him. He could make out the guy was avreageishly tall, not athletic due to his skinny built, black hair and well his shivering body due to sitting under the shower for so long and presumably crying. 

“Do you want a hug ? I am sorry I don’t know much and am completely clueless as to what I can do-”

Before Jun could finish his little ramble, the guy looked up with his red teary eyes, contemplating if he should or not but then hugged Jun tightly, if he would have not been there, he would be hugging death right now. Jun returned the hug without any hesitation, not minding his shirt being wet from all the tears or a complete starnger hugging him.

The way he was clutching Jun looked like he really needed it. It seemed as if he was his life support and he was scared to lose it. After a while, he pulled back and Jun could study his features properly. He thought that maybe he had seen this guy in his physics class or maybe his mathematics class-

“Thanks for saving me Junhui, I guess I owe you one.”

“How do you know my name-”

“You are the school’s most popular guy, who wouldn’t know your name.” Jun, mentally scolded himself for asking the most stupidest question in such a situation.

“May I know your name?”

“Y/N”

After seeing the confusion in Jun’s eyes, Y/N replied, “We have the same mathematics class.”

So Jun was correct after all.

“Nice to meet you Y/N”

“ I wouldn’t say that meeting in such a situation, Junhui.”

“Right”

Out of all the days his brain decided to betray him.

“Why did you return to the locker room, Junhui? Didn’t your match end like an hour ago? I though I would be alone so…”

“Please call me Jun, and I just wanted to freshen up, and well I am glad I decided to come to the lockers.”

“Well you saved a loser like me”

“Why would you say that ?”

“Trying to live my life once and you shall realise on your own.”

“Why don’t you talk to someone ? Like your parents, siblings, friends ?”

“ It's so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. The words just don’t come out of your mouth. About my parents, I would rather not talk about it. I don’t have any siblings, only child and unlike you Mr.Popular, I don’t have any freinds.”

“I am sorry.”

“You don’t need to be, it’s not your fault. But don’t you think how easy it is for people who just witness these situation to just say sorry and not say anything else. But then again a sorry can’t solve anything and well they can’t do anything as well, no offence to you though.”

“None taken but if I may ask a question, why would you decide to do something as serious as this ?”

“Good question, I don’t know, I guess this is what my heart wanted, or should I say brain?” Y/N let out a chuckle before again going to his somber state of sitting on the locker floor.

“Isn’t it a selfish thought ?”

Y/N laughed at the question. 

“Take a note Jun. Never say this to a person who wants to commit suicide. They are not selfish, they are open for the world, they want the people they know to come to them, talk to them, to notice them, but then they don’t. They don’t realise that we be selfish because it is rather painful for us to live through what you call ‘ life given to us and we only have one chance to live the best out of it.’ I succeeded in understanding the world, but the world failed to understand me. You know how they say a warrior’s greatest pride are his scars, well mine are my greatest emotions.” Y/N proceeded to raise his cardiagan’s sleeve and showed the numerous scars to Jun.

It was a lot to process for Jun, he didn’t know if he did the correct thing but he grabbed Y/N’s arm traced each scars with his finger.

“Y/N, life is like a football you know, if kick it too hard it is bound to go outside, but if you kick it with the right amount, it will always reach the goal. Don’t burn yourself trying to prove yourself to yourself. I know others say prove yourself , be the best in your eyes, but sometimes those eyes can be deceiving. I don’t know what led you to take such a drastic step, but I want you to know, that these scars are the art on your canvas, and now the canvas is ready to be sealed as compeleted ok? Don’t you dare go making another of them. Promise me, I know we aren’t close, but from today onwards, I will be your friend, your shoulder to cry on, even your punchbag ! Just don’t take a step that you will regret. Don’t take a step that will hurt us, I shall start caring for you, each step of your hurting you will hurt me as well. Just wait a minute, I will make a call telling the guys I won’t be able to meet them. Then we can go back to your space and change into something comfortable, not this wet. You catching a cold is the last thing we need.”

Y/N could just stare at Jun with tears at the brink of his eyes. He finally heard the words he wanted to hear from the past 17 years of his life. He got himself a friend. A person who could protect him, a person who cared for him, a person who he could cry on, a person who was worth living this life for.

[dixonsdarkelf]

Finding Myself, Finding You: Chapter Eleven

Main masterlist Series masterlist AO3 link Wattpad link

Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist <3

Story is 18+ for mature content/themes, minors do not interact please

TW/CWs for this story--implied/referenced past rape, canonical violence, non-canonical violence, blood, gore, referenced past suicide, swearing, surgery, excessive drinking, nightmares, panic attacks, mention of scars, vomiting, amputation, medical procedures, non-con medical procedures, referenced past medical torture, referenced past drugging, attempted sexual assault, panic attacks, mental health struggles, referenced sibling death, referenced parent death

Each chapter will have its own TW/CWs listed

This story, Lydia Vector, her family & bestie (c) me, dixonsdarkelf

TWD & its characters (c) AMC & Robert Kirkman, the writer of the comic series

Sleeping Beauty (c) Disney, Wednesday Addams (c) Charles Addams

TW/CWs for this chapter--swearing, mention of scars, canonical violence (walker killings), a sex toy is used as a weapon

Word count: 2.7k

It was bright and early the following morning when Daryl came knocking on my bedroom door, insisting that we get moving early to make sure we got back before his afternoon watch. “Ok, gimme five minutes,” I croaked, my throat dry from mouth-breathing in my sleep. I grabbed some clothes out of one of my drawers and tossed them on my bed. There was a fitted jacket, one that would likely be used as workout attire, that I decided to wear as a shirt, another pair of black workout shorts, and my leg holsters for my weapons. I grabbed my backpack and packed my remaining weapons, my notebook, my water bottle, and some medical supplies.

I fluffed my hair a little and tied it up into a high ponytail. Even tied up, my hair still reached down to my mid-back. Having long hair gave me more confidence and made me feel more feminine, but since the world fell, it was more of a nuisance than anything. And it was cumbersome when it was wet. I often debated on just chopping it off, but I liked it far too much to do that.

“Mornin’ sunshine,” I said as I came down the stairs. Daryl was putting his boots on by the front door, his crossbow slung over his shoulder and a tumbler on the floor next to him. I went over and joined him, and he picked the tumbler up off the floor and handed it to me.

“This yours,” he said, holding the tumbler of what I presumed to be coffee out to me. I reached out and grabbed it, our fingers lightly touching as I placed my hand below his on the cup. I let my fingers linger there for just a moment and made sure to brush his as I pulled away. I felt electricity shoot through my body as my fingers graced his.

“You’re sweet. Thank you.” This time, I know I saw a very faint shade of pink appear on his cheeks. I set the cup down long enough to put my boots on and follow him outside.

The air was crisp, cool, and I was thankful I had worn long sleeves. The path was damp, like it had rained the night before or this morning. And one of my favorite things—the dew that clung to the grass nearby—sparkled in the sun like glitter. Rosita was walking up the dirt path, carrying a basket of food from the garden in her arms.

“Good morning guys,” she said as Daryl walked past her. He just gave her a nod and a small “hey” and kept making his way to the front gate. She reached her arm out and grabbed mine to stop me. “Vector, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Uh, yeah, real quick 'cause I gotta skedaddle. What’s up?” She looked over my shoulder to make sure Daryl was far enough away and dropped her voice to a whisper.

“What’s going on here?” she asked, beaming. I rolled my eyes and huffed at her.

“I guess Rick wants us to go out on a run. At least that’s what Daryl told me. Also gonna try to find a prosthetic foot for Aaron for when he needs it,” I explained, also dropping my voice to a whisper.

“Sounds like you two have a long day ahead of you,” she replied, “are you excited?”

I looked down at my feet and smiled, a faint blush of pink gracing my cheeks. “I am. I just hope being stuck with me all day won’t annoy him, y’know?”

“Well if it does, you’ll know. So if it’s not obvious, you’re fine. Now go, you have a handsome archer waiting for you.” She started to turn away, then turned back. “Be sure to tell me all about it once you’re back.” I nodded and jogged off to catch up with Daryl, who was already at the front waiting on me.

“So what did Rick want us to go out for?” I asked as I buckled myself into the car.

“Said there’s some big ass grocery store nearby. Wants us to get what we can,” Daryl explained as he drove us out the front gates, “stock up ‘fore winter sets in and we can’t grow nothin’.”

“Ah, groshrees and a prosthetic foot. How exciting.” I could see him make a face in my peripheral.

“The hell’s “groshrees?” Ya don’t sound like no east coaster.” I stifled a chuckle and pulled down the sun visor in front of me, shifting it to the side window to keep the rising sun out of my eyes.

“That would be my Midwestern accent. I grew up in Ohio, close to the Michigan border. I say groceries like “groshrees” and wintertime like “winnertime.” Med school took me to the east coast.” I thought this would be a good segway into trying to get to know Daryl a little better. “What about you, Daryl? You sound like you’re from deeper south than Virginia.”

“Georgia,” he said, then quickly changing the subject back to me, like he already had his next question lined up, “what’s Doctors Without Borders?”

“Hmm?”

“When ya got here, ya told Rick somethin’ ‘bout wantin’ to join Doctors Without Borders, an’ he seemed impressed.” Of course, I was happy to answer just about any question he had, and I liked that he seemed to take a genuine interest in me and my life. But damn, he couldn’t even keep the subject on himself for two seconds, and it was starting to get a little frustrating.

“Oh, yeah, it was a non-profit that sent doctors around the world to provide medical care in areas where people needed it. Places with rampant diseases they couldn’t keep under control, war-torn countries, places where people had experienced natural disasters and such.”

I looked over at him and studied his features as I kept talking. He had his eyes focused ahead of him on the road, but I could picture them perfectly, those gorgeous pools of cerulean blue. Even though he was paying attention to the road, as he should, I could tell he was actively listening, genuinely curious and taking in every single word I said. He always did. “I wanted to get a few years of practice in after residency before joining. But instead, the world fell. Guess I was destined to end up in a war zone regardless.”

“Selfless as hell. Not somethin’ most people’d do,” Daryl replied, this time turning to me for just a second, gracing my face with his beautiful eyes, followed by a very, very tiny smile that tugged at one of the corners of his mouth. Our eyes locked for just a moment, and in just that one moment, my knees became weak and my heart rate increased. He truly was beautiful.

“Thank you.” This time, I was determined to get something out of him. “Alright, enough about me. You gotta give me some more info about you,” I said, propping my right foot up on my seat and wrapping my arms around my leg.

“Why?”

“Because you have asked me a million questions about myself in the last few days, and I’m gettin’ real sick and tired of hearing my own voice,” I explained, offering him a soft smile, “you are one mysterious human being, and I want to get to know you. We’re friends, right?” I scratched at the side of my thumb with my index finger. “I hope. Plus, I don’t wanna be a nuisance by just going on and on and on.”

“If I thought ya’s annoyin’, I wouldn’ta kept talkin’ to ya or brought ya along,” he said in an attempt to offer some reassurance.

“But still, I would like to know more about you. So let me do the asking, and you do the talking. Please.” To my surprise, the car slowly rolled to a stop, and he turned once again to meet my gaze, this time for longer. New butterflies in my stomach were starting to break out of their chrysalids. “I won’t get too personal I promise. Unless you want me to.” I gave him a flirtatious smirk, and I saw that small smile pull at the corner of his mouth again.

“Fine,” Daryl said, breaking eye contact and starting down the road again, “only cause ya asked so nicely.”

I had to take a second before I started speaking again. What had just happened? Was there tension in the air there? Did I imagine it? Was he being flirtatious back? Or was I imagining that as well? My head was spinning, and I had to take a couple of deep, but quiet, breaths to slow my heart rate down.

“What did you do before all of this?” I asked, then remembering that I had asked that question on our first run and he didn’t seem very receptive to it, “oh shit, I asked you that before. If it’s a touchy subject, you don’t have to answer it.” My rough-and-tumble redneck companion was quiet for a moment, and I was trying to come up with my next question when he answered.

“Nah, you’re good.” He pondered for a moment, choosing his words carefully to perfectly craft his answer. “I was just existin’. Floatin’ through life. Wake up every mornin’, and whatever Merle said we was doin's what we did.”

He mentioned someone’s name. Progress.

“Who’s Merle?” I asked. I continued scratching at the side of my thumb with my index finger in an attempt to quell my anxiety. It was never painful, never enough to break skin, but it was enough to be a distraction from my feelings of unease.

“He’s mah brother.” I didn’t know whether the “he’s” was supposed to be he is or he was, but I decided not to prod further on that.

“Is he like you?”

“Whadaya mean?” I hadn’t quite thought this far ahead.

“Y’know, like…easy to talk to, pleasant to be around, things like that,” I said. He scoffed at my remark.

“Guy was a jackass. Righteous prick. Bit of a creep. You wouldn’ta liked ‘im.” The “was” clarified for me that he was either dead, or Daryl didn’t know where he was.

“Do you think he would've liked me?" I bit the inside of my bottom lip. Jesus Vec, why’d you ask that? What does it matter?

"Merle? Yeah, he'da liked ya. Probably a lil' too much,” Daryl replied. I felt my body fight to physically recoil at the thought of what that could’ve meant, but I kept still.

"I could've taken him,” I said rather confidently. Daryl scoffed at me again.

"That's a lotta big talk comin' from someone so tiny,” he teased. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Oh please. I've taken on people bigger than me before,” I elaborated, digging through the recesses of my brain for one of the stories where a man tried to fuck around with me and found out. I stretched my legs out and put my feet up on the dash, crossing one ankle over the other. “I once caught a man spiking my drink at a bar."

"What'dya do to ‘im?"

"I broke his nose...and his jaw...and his collarbone. Poor bastard didn't know whose drink he was messing with. Mama didn’t raise no bitch,” I said. Even though I could only see his side profile, I saw Daryl’s eyes widen just a little, and he had the tiniest smile on his face, like a proud parent.

"Nice. Didn't get arrested or nothin'?"

“Well, if he went to the cops to press charges on me, they’d eventually see the bar footage of him trying to drug me. Guess he didn’t want any smoke.” He took a turn down a random road, and I could see a building off in the distance with a tall sign in front of it, like the ones you see for gas stations on the side of highway exits. "Plus, he had like half a foot on me. I don’t think he wanted to admit that he got his ass beat by a woman much smaller than him.”

“Jackass had it comin’. Glad nothin’ happened to ya,” he said. I pulled the sleeves of my jacket up just a little and subtly rubbed at the scars on my right wrist.

“Me too,” I said, biting the inside of my lip. Nothing happened that time, sure, but what would he think if he found out about the time that something did? “But we’re going back to talking about you now. Your crossbow’s really cool. How did that become your weapon of choice?”

“Learned it when I was young. 's quiet, deadly, bolts easy ‘nough to come by."

“Did Merle teach you? Or your parents?” I saw his arms flex slightly, like he squeezed harder on the steering wheel for just a second, then stopped. Ok, no more bringing up Merle or his family. Got it, I said to myself, making a mental note of it.

“Taught m’self,” Daryl said, pulling into the tiny parking lot of the abandoned store that we’d be scavenging, “had to learn to hunt, quietest weapon I could find. Saved my ass more than once.”

“Well, it’s sick. Makes you look like a bonafide badass,” I complimented, swinging the car door open and letting myself out, “my brothers taught me how to fight, but that was it. Guess they figured it’d be the only skill I needed when the world was…normal.”

“I could teach ya,” Daryl responded, rather quickly, “I mean, if ya wanted. Should know how, just in case.” I folded my arms on the car's roof and rested my chin on them.

“Yeah, that…that would be cool. Thanks.” He was hunched over in the car, reaching for what I presumed to be his crossbow. I slung my bag over my shoulders. “Don’t think we’re finished here. I have more questions for you.” I shut my door, and he lifted his head back up and rolled his eyes at me. I gave him a smirk in response.

“Whatever,” he said, shutting his door and locking the car, shoving the keys in his back pocket. I swung my backpack around to my side, rummaging in it for a second. I could finally put my most unique weapon to use.

“Here we go,” I said, pulling the black vibrator out of my bag, “I can finally show you how I kill walkers with this thing.” He scoffed and pried the sliding glass doors open, stepping in first in front of me, crossbow ready to fire.

We tiptoed in slowly, waiting for the shuffling sounds of any walkers or people. At first, there was nothing, but after some more tiptoes from us, there were some walker moans and groans echoing from somewhere inside the store. We carefully scanned each aisle, rounding each corner with extreme caution. Daryl got one walker as we came around a corner towards the far end of the store, hitting it right between the eyes.

Even when he was doing something as grisly as killing walkers, he was still the most beautiful human I’d ever laid my eyes on.

We hit the opposite end of the store after cutting through the back area to check for people and make sure we were completely alone. There was one more walker, stumbling around in the back corner of the store, chomping its teeth at us as it sauntered closer. It was wearing a priest's collar.

“Well go on,” Daryl said, stepping out from in front of me to my side, “go get the Father.” I let out a small chuckle and approached the creature, vibrator in hand, the top piece fixated to smack it in the temple.

“‘Sup Daddy?” I joked, swinging the vibrator like a bat and smacking the thing upside the head before it could even try to reach for me. The side of its head was caved in. I leaned over next to it and gave it a few more good whacks in the skull until the moaning and groaning stopped. I wiped my weapon off on its pants and slipped it into the holster on my leg for my knife before looking back up at Daryl, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Told you it’s a good weapon.”

© message below made by me. Sparkle & 'continue reading' dividers are by @/anitalenia

[barzfrommarz]

My honest unorganized thoughts on c!wilburs ending

(2 years late)

tw: mentions of suicide

I would put my thoughts on the apology tour here too but I think that will make this post to long so i'm just going to talk about the finale stream itself.

Also this is very unorganized bc I dont really remember how it exactly played out and I could go back and watch the VOD but ion wanna hear wilburs voice so im using the wiki for this therefore I wont have intricate details

One thing I really like is the flashback at the beginning. Especially the fade from L'manburg to the destroyed L'manburg I love it sm it reminds me of Analog horror series

(That part isn't relevant tho that's just me nerding out over analog horror)

They then go to Las Nevadas to try and apologize to Q but get ghosted and im pretty sure it was bc of conflicting schedules or smth but the fact that c!tntduo never got a proper ending pisses me off to this day. LIKE wdym they never interacted ever again??? Wdym if followin the dsmp ending Quackity probably has no memory of c!wilbur??? !?!?!??!?! I rlly just wish they could've gotten some form of closure either from cc!wil or cc!quackity and sure its funny ig that Q canonically ghosted c!wilbur but still??!?!??!?! ugh anyways

Tommys outburst towards wil..."I never used to be this angry" KILLS MEEEEEEEEEEE. Also c!wilbur getting scared was so....NOT EVEN TWO SECONDS LATER tommy fucking asks "Wil, are you going to kill yourself?" FUCK?????? BRO????????????? WILBUR DENYING IT TO???? Maybe im wrong here but I dont ever remember other characters acknowledging c!wilbur being suicidal and esp the fact it was c!tommy UGH it kills me

Now getting to my criticisms a little bit, I don't like the utah and gas station thing at all. It feels just so random? Out of place even. I would've liked it more if it was just a desert where c!wilbur was from or something

Then wilburs goes to leave blah blah blah don't trust those americans yada yada

Oh but C!tommy asking c!wilbur to forgive the most important person (himself) then a few minutes later we get "I never did forgive myself"OUGDHSHSGHDGDSHUSHGHUHB

Okay now im going to lay out my main criticisms I have with the finale and why I think it was somewhat unsatisfying and we c!wilbur fans were kinda fucked over in the end

-We should've gotten a VERBAL apology to c!tommy

I understand c!wilbur was afraid of losing him or whatever but it would've shown SO MUCH GROWTH FROM HIM IF HE OUTLOUD SAID "Im sorry" TO THE PERSON HE HURT MOST. Im pissed that presumably cc!wilbur decided not to have that happen. Even if it was bad JUST DO IT. c!wilbur was going to leave anyways so him being scared of losing c!tommy if he apologized wouldn't matter!

My next point is that c!wilbur leaving wasn't thought out enough I think. I do personally think c!wilbur should've left the place that ruined him to heal. That's step one of learning to heal but with the apology tour being a flop and him never verbally apologizing to c!tommy it felt unsatisfying and almost underserved and I see why so many people afterward were like "he doesn't just get to leave". What would've helped I think would've been more streams or longer streams if possible. There was so much shit that needed to be retconned but it wasn't given enough time I feel and thats why to so many ppl they were unsatifyed/upset

Going more into the utah shit. I hate it. I hate the "Plot twist" of him being secretly american and from utah. Not even getting into how the real world is now apparently canon to the dsmp in one of the last few dsmp lore streams. I honestly would've liked it more if it wasn't specifically named what the place was instead it was just home. I also had this idea of instead of him disappearing in the middle of the ocean I think it would've been cooler if c!wilbur took a train somewhere almost like a callback to limbo.

I don't like how its somewhat implied c!wilbur killed himself again. It feels cheap to kill of a already heavily suicidal character AGAIN when instead it genuinely could've been a story about how you can learn to heal and forgive yourself even if you did bad things. Maybe this is just me not wanting my favorite character to die but I don't like it at all

Ghostbur was also handled terribly. I understand why alivebur hated him but I also think it would've shown growth if he learned to accept ghostbur in the end. Even if it wasn't fully

Also why the fuck did we never get the contents of the book c!wilbur gave c!tommy?? You throw that shit in just to never tell us what's in it almost 2 years later??

Final thoughts

I might go back and edit this later with more things but for my final thoughts I think c!wilburs finale +the apology tour was a big unsatisfying flop and I belive c!wilbur fans were unfairly fucked over in the end.

Not to sing brighton biter praise, but I do believe he was a good writer and the fact that the last few streams were this unsatisfying is disappointing coming from him. I mean im sure he just wanted to get c!wilburs finale out so he could be done with it but that's not an excuse for fucking your fans over. There was also probably issues with other ccs and characters since (Imo) a lot of the characters he interacted with in the end don't have the best writing (not meant to insult the ccs btw, just saying)

But personally, I somewhat accept it simply bc this is the best we got and I personally don't like alot of other fan re writes on his ending and I also don't like his ending just being "lol he killed himself again"

Anyways that's it, sorry for being unorganized and I apologize if I got anything wrong I might add more to this later. Thx for listening <3

[medusapelagia]

Steddie Angsty August + AU-gust + Aug-kissed Master List

01 He's back written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Second chances) and augustwritingchallenge(Prompt: Canon Divergent) Rating: M Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: mention of blow jobs Words: 1420

02 Creel’s House written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Ghost) and au-gust (Prompt: Colorless) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve & Robin, Steve/Eddie if you squint TW: AU, Major character already dead, body horror, monsters, ghosts, homicide, spiders Words: 1688

03 - The price of success written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt:  The sunset looks lovely, don't you think?") and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Dark Academia) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: demons, enemies to lovers (mentioned), gun violence, murder, major character death, sad ending, magic, demons Words: 1448

04 Back in town written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Angst with Happy Ending) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Zombie Apocalypse) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve & Hopper, Steve/Eddie TW: AU zombies, body horror, injuries, blood, whump, presumed dead character Words: 1221

05 A white lie written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Please Please Please, Let Me Get What I Want – The Smiths  ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Chess players) Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve/Eddie, Eddie & Wayne TW: none Words: 1483

06 The celebratory tour written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Who did this?" ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: reality show) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: violence, hospital, blood and injuries, dark Eddie Munson, homophobia, homophobic language Words: 1605

07 - The family ranch written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Moonlight ), augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: fam/ranch), and aug-kissed (prompt: Indirect kiss) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: sad ending Words: 1704

08 - Last summer written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Miscommunication ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: nomad) Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: scars, mention of mall fire Words: 1938

09 - The chirping creature written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Upside Down ), augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: joker, Wings), and aug-kissed (prompt: Butterly kisses) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: Kas!Eddie, blood Words: 1544

10 - The Tower of Terror written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: "Where were you?”) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: enemies to allies) and aug-kissed (prompt: Blow a Kiss) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: Witcher AU, violence, blood, injuries Words: 1626

11 I have a bad feeling about this written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Temporary Character Death ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Joker: everybody lives) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: hospital, injuries, temporary character death, shots Words: 2246

12 Nothing left written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Terrible Things – Mayday Parade ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: animagus ) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: mention of plane crash, mention of Steve’s parents death, suicidal thoughts, magic Words: 1735

13 Missing moments written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt:"Please, stay?" ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: found footage ) aug-kissed (prompt: Gentle peck) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: established Steve/Eddie, implied reference to cancer, sick character, mention of vomit, open ending Words: 1141

14 The betrothal written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Lake), augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: prince and princess ), aug-kissed (prompt: Hand Kiss) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: omegaverse, Omega Steve Harrington, Alpha Eddie Munson, Beta Robin Buckley, violence, blood and injuries, vomit Words: 1563

15 The summer camp written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Childhood) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: secretly alien ) Rating: teen and up Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: implied violence Words: 1912

16 The team retreat written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Struggling) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: hobby drama) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: car accident, canon characters death but in a different way, injuries, blood, hospitals, aged up Steve and Eddie Words: 1489

17 The Halloween Campaign written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Halloween ), augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: flower shop ) and aug-kissed (prompt: Trail of Kisses) Rating: Teen and up Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: none Words: 1463

18 The Mission written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: "Keep breathing, please.") and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: space travel ), aug-kissed (prompt: Frantic Kisses) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie, minor Robin/Vickie, implied Dustin/Suzie TW: androids, space au, whump, injuries, mention of violence, prison, minor character death. Words: 6787

19 The spy written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Right Person, Wrong Time ), augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: spies ) and steddiemicrofic (prompt: plug/437 words) Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: age difference Words: 1437

20 Never fall for a client written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Careless Whisper – George Micheal ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Joker: guardian) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: violence, gun violence, open ending. injuries, blood Words: 1607

21 Merry Christmas written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Please ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Absurd Tragedy)  Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: parents death, homicide-suicide, gun violence, tragedy Words: 1259

22 Not a murderer written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Missing scene ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Orphan ) Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve/Eddie, Wayne & Eddie TW: mention of canon character death (Chrissy) Words: 1673

23 Meet me at Skull Rock written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Skull Rock) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt:Musician ), aug-kissed (prompt: Using Tongue) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: no one Words: 1403

24 I have a date written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt:"Go, see if I care." ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Pretended Hate ) aug-kissed (prompt: Hickeys)  Rating: Teen and up Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: no one Words: 1228

25 The soulmates program written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: Soulmates ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Scientists ) aug-kissed (prompt: First Kiss) Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: no one Words: 901

26 The night we met written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt: The Night We Met – Lord Huron ), augustwritingchallenge (Prompt:Victorian Era), and aug-kissed (prompt: Kiss Goodnight) Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: omegaverese Words: 1431

27 We’ll find a way written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt:"I thought we agreed it was over.") and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt:Younger/De aged) aug-kissed (prompt: Chocolate Kiss) Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: no one Words: 2280

28 Tomorrow written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt:Tomorrow ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Caretaker) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: open ending, description of injuries Words: 852

29 The Escape written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt:Future ) and @augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Force into hiding) Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: Eddie shaving his head (I know!!!) Words: 1196

30 I saw him written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt:Vampire ) and augustwritingchallenge (Prompt: Joker: thriller) Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: canon character death (Eddie), vampire Eddie, blood Words: 1272

31 Suddenly parents written for steddieangstyaugust (prompt:"I'm not going to beg you to love me." ) and augustwritingchallenge (2 Prompts: accidental baby acquisition + retail workers) Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: Henderdads Words: 1153

[serickswrites]

Whump One Shots III

Drip--TW: blood, emotional torture, implied captivity, caretaker whump

Hate You So Much--TW: referenced captivity, referenced torture, passive suicidal ideation, hurt/aftermath, hurt/comfort, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

In My Head--TW: referenced captivity, referenced torture, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hurt/comfort, caretaker and whumpee

Whumpee falls out of a tree request--TW: intoxication, falling from a great height, broken bones, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

Supposed To--TW: implied kidnapping

Saying Goodbye--TW: kidnapping, confinement, restraints, cages, threat of death, knives, blood, hidden injury, unclear character status

Beacon--TW: blood, wounds, blood loss, unconsciousness, referenced captivity, rescue, caretaker and whumpee

Shake and Shiver--TW: captivity, torture, electrocution, forced to watch (well, sort of), restraints, caretaker and whumpee, cruel whumper, sadistic whumper, emotional whump

Dead Alive--TW: presumed dead, implied captivity, implied torture, blood, wounds, caretaker and whumpee

Go to Sleep--TW: captivity, torture, caretaker and whumpee

Znnnng--TW: electrocution, restraints, torture, blood, knives, cuts, cruel whumper

Unbreakable--TW: broken bones, escape

The Cave--TW: head injury, trapped, unconsciousness

No One--TW: captivity, torture, blood, wounds, scars, creepy/intimate whumper, emotional whump

Living Weapon Whumpee request--TW: referenced death, blood, destruction

Point Break--TW: referenced captivity, referenced kidnapping, implied torture, emotional whump

Over--TW: captivity, torture, physical violence, bruising, beating, broken bones

Enough--TW: captivity, knives, stabbing, blood, wounds, unconsciousness, rescue, caretaker and whumpee

Inside--TW: captivity, torture, blood, rescue, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

The Taste Of Your Lips--TW: poisoning, loss of consciousness, caretaker and whumpee

Down--TW: kidnapping, torture, burns, branding, defiant whumpee

Blood in the Cut--TW: blood, gunshot wound, caretaker and whumpee, hospital, unclear character status

Golden--TW: captivity, restraints, torture, broken bones

Why--TW: referenced captivity, referenced torture, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hurt/comfort, caretaker and whumpee

Tumbling Down--TW: blood, stabbing, knives, wounds, hidden injury

Thunder--TW: abduction, yandere whumper

Useless--TW: blood, stabbing, injury, wounds, mcd, sadistic whumper, restraints

Bewitch--TW: mind control, yandere

Where Was I?--TW: death, blood, violence, immortal whump

Yandere doctor whumper request--TW: yandere, kidnapping, creepy/intimate whumper

Yandere drider request--TW: yandere, kidnapping, creepy/intimate whumper

Tiefling whumpee--TW: captivity, restraints, implied torture

Sucker--TW: physical violence, blood

Delirium and sedation request--TW: captivity, torture, wounds, infection, delirium, noncon drugging

Remember--TW: captivity, restraints, noncon implied, creepy/intimate whumper

Sound--TW: captivity, torture, gag, violence, electrocution, cruel whumper, caretaker and whumpee

Cold, Cold Heart--TW: escape, hypothermia, rescue, caretaker and whumpee

Frozen--TW: captivity, torture, drowning, rescue, cpr

Nightmare Before Christmas--TW: nightmares, PTSD, referenced captivity, referenced torture, blood, wounds, mcd, flashbacks, hurt/no comfort

Home Alone--TW: referenced gun shot, referenced wounds, referenced blood, referenced hospital, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

Stormy Night--TW: restraints, captivity, torture, cruel whumper, defiant whumpee

Dreaming--TW: referenced loss, grief, nightmares, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

Miracle on 34th Street--TW: emotional whump, emotional degradation, emotional abuse, threat of torture, threat of death

Breath--TW: broken bones, hidden injury

Open--TW: blood, wounds, cuts, referenced captivity, referenced torture, caretaker and whumpee, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

It's a Wonderful Life--TW: restraints, fire, threat of death, ritual sacrifice

Notice--TW: referenced stab wound, blood, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hurt/comfort, caretaker and whumpee

Frosty the Snowman--TW: torture, captivity, body modification, blood, infection

Separate--TW: explosion, cave in, head injury

How the Grinch Stole Christmas--TW: captivity, torture, restraints, stress position, suffocation

Under Your Scars--TW: referenced captivity, referenced torture, scars, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hurt/comfort, caretaker and whumpee

Flinch--TW: burns

A Christmas Story--TW: gunshot, guns, blood, wounds, bleeding out

Fake--TW: blood, presumed dead, escape, grief, reunion, caretaker and whumpee

A Christmas Carol--TW: head injury, concussion

Fine in a Minute--TW: escape, captivity, torture, blood, wounds, unconsciousness

The Christmas Shoes--TW: blood, stab wound, bleeding out, mcd, hurt/no comfort, caretaker and whumpee

Won't--TW: captivity, torture, escape

Polar Express--TW: referenced drowning, referenced torture, caretaker and whumpee, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

Swallowed--TW: referenced kidnapping, implied noncon, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hurt/comfort, caretaker and whumpee

Show and Tell--TW: captivity, torture, scars, wounds, restraints, cruel whumper

Elf--TW: rope, ligature, strangulation, hanging

Bend Until Broken--TW: captivity, restrains, torture, broken bone, cruel whumper

The Nutcracker--TW: captivity, restraints, body modification, self sacrifice, forced to watch, blood, unclear character status

Barista whumpee request--TW: Kidnapping, yandere whumper, drugging, escape

Unknown--TW: referenced captivity, referenced torture, touch-starved, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hurt/comfort

To Beat the Devil--TW: stab wound, beating, hospital, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

Silence--TW: betrayal, restraints, drowning, rescue, caretaker and whumpee

Emoji ask game request--TW: broken bones, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

Emoji ask game second request--TW: near death character, torture, captivity, rescue, electrocution, blood, stab wounds, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hurt/comfort, caretaker and whumpee

Electrify--TW: captivity, restraints, torture, electrocution, unclear character status, forced to watch

Walls--TW: referenced captivity, referenced torture, referenced restraints, panic attack, PTSD, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hurt/comfort, caretaker and whumpee

Lay Me Down--TW: gun shot, blood, wounds, unconsciousness

Antici-pation--TW: captivity, torture, threatening behavior, restraints, falling from a great height, broken bones, unconsciousness

In the End--TW: forced to watch, captivity, wounds, blood, torture, injury, failed escape attempt, cage

Hospital request--TW: wounds, infection, hospital, sedation, restraints

Scuttle--TW: threat of violence, captivity, torture, cruel whumper

Yandere ex-lover request--TW: captivity, restraints, creepy/intimate whumper, yandere

Flutter--TW: captivity, restraints, torture, forced to watch, beating, caretaker and whumpee

Spacship whump request--TW: captivity, torture, hurt/no comfort, cruel whumper, second whumper, inhuman whumper

Growing Bored--TW: captivity, torture, wounds, blood, restraints

Noggin--TW: concussion, head injury, blood, injury, caretaker and whumpee

Wake Me Up--TW: referenced captivity, referenced sensory deprivation, nightmares, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

Tear My Heart Open--TW: torture, restraints, captivity, scars, wounds, bleeding, infection, rescue, caretaker and whumpee

Shocking--TW: captivity, torture, bruises, electrocution, restraints, defiant whumpee

Move--TW: gun, threat of violence, kidnapping

Magic spell request--TW: magic, self sacrifice, revenge

Stay With Me--TW: stabbing, blood, wounds, unconsciousness

[grey-spark]

Three ABBI Fan Theories

@idril-la-wiccan

(LONG POST, BIG SPOILERS) (tw: suicide) I have taken great interest in your Out of the Abyss Story, and I have brought you 3 offerings for your adventure. Three fan theories base around ABBI. Feel free to implement them in your story if you like, since there's a chance these theories might actually be canon.

Note: I’m going to avoid discussing the obvious and assume you already know about Tako-san, Uni, Meido and the OMORI BOY comic. 

#1 ABBI/Tako's ‘Real World’ counterpart is likely Basil or Mari’s Petrock “OCOTACO”

While its true that, Tako-san are not a “one-to-one” copy of OCOTACO. They are both black and white octopuses with tentacle pigtails with “Tako” in their name.

We know character’s don’t have to be exact copies of their real world counterpart, kind of like how Jawsum based on the shark in Sunny’s Black Jack game. So if this is the case, who did she belong to?

I always found it interesting how the game bends out of its way at the last minute to let us know that Basil had a Petrock. If she used to be Basil’s that’d make a lot of sense how she ended up being associated with the Truth. 

Also its also very possible that she used to belong to Mari. Although it is never state if Mari owned a petrock, it is entirely possible if not likely that she bought one as a way to bond with Sunny.

(Note: In the final version of the game, this seems to be Ren and Shawn. However, i question if that was always the case. There’s a chance there two were meant to be Mari and Tako, but then were turned into separate characters after the fact. There no way to know for sure.) 

As the Wisest, Tako served as Sunny’s conscious, like an angel on his shoulder, just like Mari. She also has many visual similarities to Mari, and is even shown to be hanging out with her in early concept content.

It’s also possible that Ocotaco used to belong to Sunny himself since he’s the third character to know the Truth, but this is unlikely since Sunny picks “Jash” when given the option to buy any petrock he wants.

Personally speaking, I think Ocotaco was Mari’s petrock, and Basil owned a petrock called “Flowerlad”, which has a painting/flower themed rock.

#2 ABBI used to own the Lost Library

This dialogue speaks for itself:

Question: Who has the power to banish a library? Why would anyone want to “banish” a library? Answer: Omori, to hide the Truth. 

And based on Mari’s quote, it implies that someone had to maintain this library, but then suddenly that person vanished, so it sank underground.

Still not convinced its Tako-san?

Notice how after you beat ABBI, she gives you the most powerful weapon in the game, the RED KNIFE, in Sweetheart’s dungeon. The area that’s situated just above the Lost Library, presumably her old base of operations.

Okay so what function did the Lost Library serve?

Nothing like the Lost Library exists anywhere else in Headspace. It has so much knowledge about Sunny’s real world memories. We don’t know exactly what the library or Tako did, but we can make an educated guess.

Personally speaking, I think each great creature was given a job in maintaining the Headspace cycle of blissful ignorance.

Again, I’m going to assume if you’re reading this post, you already know about Daddy LongLegs story about how Sunny stumbled onto Black Space and chose blissful ignorance. Let’s discuss where the great creatures come in...

Let’s start with the cat...

The Big Yellow Cat’s job is said outright by the Branch Coral. 

The cat watches the Neighbor Room and his friends while Omori is away.

This dialogue is important because it sets the precedent that Omori has given tasks to at least one of the great creatures.

At the end of the HIKI route, its also revealed that it knows how to reset the whole damn thing. So yeah, the cat is all in on maintaining the cycle. 

And then there’s Humphrey...

Humphrey could be the subject of his own post, but I’ll give you the short version. Basically, Headspace is a literal videogame in Sunny’s mind. 

Humphrey’s job is to serve as its unbeatable final boss.

And the bones of his friends from each route just keep piling up...

There are also many other instances of Humphrey breaking the 4th wall of the Headspace videogame in his level and even in the FOE FACTS. 

In said “final fight”, Humphrey expounds that he thinks “ignorance is bliss” and that its best for Sunny to forget the Truth and himself entirely, like Sunny does in the in Hikiomori Abandon ending. 

(Which means in the context of your “Out of the Abyss” story, Humphrey’s goals are 100% opposed to Tako’s. They also have this “Id vs Super Ego” rivalry going on, so I’m really interested to see where that goes...)

And then there’s Tako’s job, as the Librarian of Sunny’s Memories 

Basically, her job was to maintain Sunny’s most precious memories, which if you think about it, is super vital to the maintenance of Sunny’s fantasy world. 

Its also possible that the castle keeper may have played a big role, considering how powerful he is and his proximity to the library itself. He may be an ally and former colleague of Tako-san.

The question is... why did Abbi agree to do this? And what made her snap?

#3 ABBI’s “act against the Dreamer’s will” created the third BLACK SPACE entrance. 

There are five entrances/ fractures to Black Space. Again this could be the topic of its own video, but we’ll briefly discuss it here.

When Sunny approaches the area being guarded by behind Humphrey, a disembodied voice (highly implied to be The Stranger in the game’s code)  tells Sunny that there are five entrances to Black Space:

Of all these entrances, we only get to see one get created in game:

There is almost NO way to prove how these entrances were made. But I’m going to give you my theoretical timeline of events.

My personal take, is this:

The Deep Well entrance is the one mentioned in Daddy LongLegs story that Sunny stumbled into. It was the original entrance to Black Space Sunny found early on after the fall out of the real world accident: 

Shortly after discovering this world, Sunny is driven mad by Black Space, and chooses to become Omori, who then promptly locks it away, and tasks Humphrey to guard the entrance, where he can still be found.

At some point, OMORIs friends are added (or found) in the Neighbor Room, and Headspace is combined into one world. Abbi then sets up her library. 

But why??? Why does she do this.

The answer is in Black Space, given by the stranger.

So basically, there are two forms of OMORI, and Tako has to choose:

Either, ‘Repressive OMORI’ and Headspace

Or, ‘Destructive OMORI’ and Sunny’s imminent suicide:

The reasonable Tako-san choose the lesser of two evils. She created the library and helped maintain Headspace to stave off the worst and buy time.

Things continued on for a few months, and everything was operational.

Suicide was averted. 

Omori got to have adventures with his friends, BYC watched their room and kept it and the playground monster free. The ‘still sane’ Humphrey guarded the Black Space entrance devouring any Somethings that came through, and had the gruesome task of killing his friend if he ever tried to leave. And Tako maintained her library, giving good childhood memories to Omori when asked.

Tako is now in this weird spot where she knows Headspace is wrong, but also plays a crucial role in holding everything, and everyone she loves together.

This continued for a few months. It wasn’t perfect but it was functional...

And then one day at the beach this b*tch showed up

“Ayo the pizza’s here” Spirit Mari said, taking OMORI completely by surprise. 

This created the first fracture and second entrance to Black Space. 

Omori immediately was zipped away to White Space. What then ensued was a very short version of the Hiki route in game, where Sunny is drawn to the entrance over and over to save Basil from Headspace.

Humphrey and Tako were probably the most effected by this. Humphrey had to actually start killing Sunny for the first time, and Tako probably requested to talk to Spirit Mari, and was denied by Omori. I personally think she was probably furious about the way Spirit Mari was being treated. 

Eventually Basil was saved, and everything returned to normal, this time, Omori was ready for Spirit Mari, and so a new era of peace lasted for a month or so. Everyone was ready to go back to normal...

Everyone except Tako.

She couldn’t stand the way Mari was treated and then-

One day, she snapped.

She confronted Omori, about the Truth, in front of his friends.

This created the second fracture and third entrance to Black Space.

Once again, Omori was quickly whisked away back to White Space, and once Sunyn was woke up. Omori detained Tako-san. He put her as far down as he could without actually putting her into Black Space. The Abyss.

They did the whole “save basil” routine again, but after that, a LONG TIME passed like YEARS passed. With both, Spirit Mari and Tako out of the picture, there was no one to disrupt the peace in Headspace. 

Over this time, the Lost Library sank underground, Sweeheart ascended to power, without Tako acting as his moral anchor Humphrey went mad from hunger, created by Sunny’s real world malnourishment. But beyond that, not much changed, this could have gone on forever.

But the next fracture would come from something Omori couldn’t account for, it would come from the real world in the form of a simple phone call:

Keep in mind, up until this point, Sunny had the comfort to know that at any time he could theoretically leave the house and rekindle his lost ties.

That comfort was now being taken away. And to make matters worse, now Kel was knocking and making phone calls, running circles around him.

About several months before the events of the game, this reached a breaking point during one of Sunny’s adventures in Otherworld. 

Something happened in that barn. The big photo frame that used to belong to Aubrey reminded Sunny of the family he shattered.

This created the third fracture and fourth entrance to Black Space.

And you already know the rest. We see the fourth fracture in game. The added stress of the approaching Moving Day was too much for Sunny to bare. 

It’s now 4 days left, 

Sunny thinks back to a story his mother told him about 2 years ago during a rare in-person dinner. 

(Disclaimer: the above image is just a illustration i made. It’s dialogue was all written by me to convey what Sunny’s mom might have said.)

Sunny drifts to sleep with that story on his mind, and he can’t help but wonder...

If Hero made it out, maybe he can too?

Anyway, that’s what I think happened to Abbi and generally what happened during Sunny’s years of isolation. I want to clarify that, this is what I actually believe, I really think all of this is what happened in canon, off screen. I’m probably going to turn the last theory into its own YouTube video. Honestly I’ve been waiting for an excuse to make this post, and your AU caught my interest, I’ll be watching it closely!

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

How Bad is Sia’s “Music” really?

I watched it illegally (because there was no way I was paying for that bullshit) and found out. It’s not as bad as we thought... It’s worse.

TW for ableism, Sia, drugs, alcohol, just in general a terrible movie, meltdowns, blackface

Literally the first thing you hear while they’re showing the production companies is THOSE stereotypical noises. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ll know what I mean.

And yes, she does this for the WHOLE fucking movie

What was the need to show her in her underwear? Maddie Ziegler was 14 when this was made, so what was the need??? And why did Sia prolong the scene by having her hitting herself?

Less than a minute in and my reaction was already “what the fuck is this shit?”

So the opening number not only had stereotypical exaggerated facial expression, it has Maddie in BLACKFACE?!? And with culturally appropriated hair?!?

The exaggerated facial expressions are literally constant and I took photos during the film to show it, more later, but I’ll keep mentioning it

ITS LITERALLY THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME SHE IS ON SCREEN

Even her way of walking is fucking offensive, Jesus Christ

The vocalisations just had me cringing so hard, I cannot describe how awful it made me feel

Why do all the neighbours need to be paid off and help her when she goes for a walk? I don’t-

Yes, by about the five minute mark I was already seriously debating all my life decisions. It was that bad.

Kate Hudson really didn’t give a fuck that her grandma died

I will keep saying it but WHY are the facial expressions/vocalisations CONSTANT?!! Literally they do not stop at all. I work with a child who is actually similar to this in that he’s nonverbal and he makes similar noises/faces, but the way they’re in this movie is so over-exaggerated?!? And even the kid I work with doesn’t do it 24/7?!?

Sia, calling your characters Zu and Music doesn’t make them interesting in the slightest. They’re still painfully terrible and one dimensional

Literally ONE minute after being left alone with her autistic sister, Zu calls the mental health service asking if they could “theoretically” “pick up” her sister?!? Like she wants to get rid of her already?!?

“A magical little girl” - autism isn’t a magical power?!? And Music is a young woman, not a little girl?!? Why are you infantilising her?!?

Okay I’m not being funny but this choreography is NOT hard. ANYONE can do it, so claiming that you needed to hire a dancer to be Music because of the numbers is literally bullshit (and even so, there are so many amazing autistic actors and dancers?!?)

20 minutes in and I wanted to give up

So she had her first meltdown because her hair didn’t get braided immediately and that’s... certainly interesting??

The fact that Leslie Odom’s character says “I’m going to crush you now”?!?

AND THEN HE FUCKING PICKS HER UP AND FULL-BODILY PINS HER DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR

“I’m crushing her with my love” - oh fuck you, just fuck you

So Sia lied, the restraint scenes were NOT removed and there was no warning. She’s a fucking POS liar

I have no idea why he’s called Ebo or why he has such a cliche African accent?!? I might have missed out on why because I was busy trying not to bang my head into the table while I watched this film but just... yikes

“He (his brother) liked to be held” - YEAH, HELD. NOT FUCKING CRUSHED

“He is dead now” - IM NOT FUCKING SURPRISED IF YOU CRUSHED HIM LIKE THAT

The constant babying and patronizing of the autistic character is so exhausting to watch. I’m so tired

“Planning on sending her to the people pound but I guess I’ll keep her a little longer” - SHE WAS JOKING BUT THAT WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY A FUNNY JOKE. NOT EVEN IN AN AWKWARD WAY

STOP THE FACES IM-

^ YEAH, Sia, totally a fucking love letter to the autistic community here ^

So Zu finds this necklace she made as a kid that had a little dog on it, and she says to Music, “He had seizures too, just like you”... MELTDOWNS AND SEIZURES ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME FUCK THIS MOVIE-

It’s like Sia is trying to make the movie funny but it’s really not at all

Is Zu implying that Music is autistic because the mum was a junkie?!?

For real though, the dialogue in general is so fucking awful and cringey. Whoever wrote this should never be allowed to write again

Did she seriously leave her autistic sister alone to talk to who I’m presuming was her dealer or loan shark?!?

Also why is he - a white dude - wearing cornrows?!?

So who is the film really about? The autistic girl or the older sister saviour? I think we all know the answer to that one

WHY IS SHE WALKING AROUND WITH HER TEETH JUTTING OUT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

The musical numbers are literally so painful to watch. The overly bright colours, the flashing... my eyes were hurting and so was my brain

Autism representation aside for a second, the musical numbers/choreography are all fucking atrocious. Ditto for the costumes

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE PINK OOMPA LOOMPA FRUIT THINGS?!? THEY LOOK LIKE THE PINK VERSIONS OF VIOLET BEAUREGARDE THE BLUEBERRY

I wanted to cry by this point, this movie is far more awful than I thought

“I’m not saying she doesn’t want to change, I’m saying she can’t” - FUCK YOU. Why is it okay for him to assume what she can or can’t do

Can I just say that autistic people aren’t constantly in a coked up wonderland state?!! We don’t see the world as a wonderland fantasy world 24/7?!!

“She can hear you from two rooms away” / *shows her listening through two brick walls to a conversation* — Also, we don’t have super fucking sonic hearing?? WE CANT HEAR THROUGH FUCKING BRICK WALLS?!?

“She can understand everything you’re saying to her” - she’s autistic not fucking deaf

Less than 45 minutes in, there’s another meltdown in the park

“I’m not climbing on top of a small screaming white girl in public” - yeah please fucking don’t

So Zu fucking pins her down with her weight 🤦‍♀️

“She doesn’t know who she’s hitting” - IM SORRY WHAT

EBO LITERALLY SAID “TREAT HER LIKE A BEAR” when talking her through the prone restraint, I fucking CANNOT

“Tell her she’s safe” - NOT IF YOU FUCKING RESTRAIN HER LIKE THAT SHE IS NOT

The fact that she gets up, smiling and happy after a meltdown and immediately is excited to get a snow cone... I can honestly say that after a meltdown, I am in no way happy or smiling. I am often not very verbal and I’m withdrawn/not myself for at least several hours, usually the rest of the day. Fuck this film

This film is literally just about Zu, and Music is there for a plot device to give her character development. That’s all she’s there for.

Love how Sia shoehorned Zu being suicidal in there. You know, just to try and make her more easy to sympathize with (it doesn’t work)

This film is literally just a 1 hour 47 minute Sia music video with ZERO plot

WHY WERE THEY WEARING PILLOW DIAPERS IN ONE NUMBER-

I really did not feel into the side plot with that guy who was fighting but it was still better than the actual movie so...

I am SO DONE with the NON STOP CONSTANT vocal shit. So tired.

LOJ’s only role in this film is to be the stereotypical wise black guy who assists a white woman’s story. There’s like hardly any other depth there

The Ebo/Zu romance is so fucking stupid and pointless and out of NOWHERE. I couldn’t even tell if they were into each other or not

I was already so bored of the musical numbers by this point. They added NOTHING to the plot but they pretended they did, and I was so over it. And it’s not because I’m not “creative enough” or anything to understand, I love musicals and I think it could have been cool if done right... but it wasn’t. They were a mess. It’s just bad.

Sia really tried to pretend her movie was deep but really it’s a shallow mess

So Zu is meeting rich drug clients and says to Music “try not to have one of your freak outs up there” and “if you could try to get it out now”... FUCKING YIKES. It’s not an on/off button, shut the fuck up

YEP THIS WAS THE SIA CAMEO FUCK THAT BITCH

The fact that she just calls “DRUG DEALER?!? DRUG DEALER IS THAT YOU”, fucking end this please-

I fucking hate this bitch I’m dead serious

“We’re gonna send them to Haiti cause there’s been an earthquake. All these buildings fell down, children’s bones were dislocated” - WHY WAS SHE SO CHEERFUL ABOUT IT

“Gonna buy a shit load of pain meds, gonna but them on my private plane” - FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU

“Pop stars without borders” - Sia thinks she’s so clever but I would give anything to punch her I swear-

ANOTHER MUSICAL NUMBER JUST STOP IM BEGGING YOU

There’s this awkward conversation/bit with Zu and her drug dealer/loanshark about his outfit that was clearly meant to be funny but was just flat and painful

Yep, Sia really showed Music eating chewing gum off the underside of a park bench. Of course.

Look, the kid I work with does similar stuff by putting literally anything and everything in his mouth but like... why would you put that in your movie?

And there’s no indication before this that Music puts everything and anything in her mouth, she just randomly decides to get on her knees, under the bench and eat chewing gum, like she calculates that it’s there and gets it???

She has a THIRD meltdown after an allergic reaction to a bee sting and her sister just yells at her before realizing... I’m not here for this movie, I feel like I drifted off and was not really there

So Zu got angry because she left the drugs at the park but she’s not that upset that her sister had an allergic reaction???

Zu gets absolutely drunk because a) she lost Sia’s drugs and b) she’s stressed out by her autistic sister... wow, great message, Sia!

She really fucked off and left her sister alone to go clubbing/on a bender

The less said about the musical number here the better

Sia’s movie also checks the box of having stereotypical Asian parents, specifically stereotypical Asian dad being harsh/angry and hitting his wife!

ALSO HE PUSHED AND KILLED HIS SON WTF IS HAPPENING

Less than 3 minutes after the last, there’s a musical number that I think was about this side character going to heaven... another shitty Sia-esque number

The patterns during the number made my brain hurt.

Also there are so many autistic actors who can also dance, and yet Sia chose the neurotypical one because ✨ N E P O T I S M ✨

I just want to know how it was deemed necessary to show the fact the autistic character peed/wet herself? I mean... ??? It’s just so undignified and not at all necessary to the plot. Nothing happens after that, it just moves onto the next scene and it didn’t do anything

“I have no one” - 1) YOUR FUCKING SISTER. 2) GEE I FUCKING WONDER WHY, couldn’t be that you’re a shitty human being?!?

There’s a scene where Music is walking and she does ALL the stereotypical behaviours at once... just YIKES

Zu somehow stopped another meltdown just by grabbing Music by the shoulders and sitting her down???

Aaand yep. Another shitty musical number

Zu really goes to put her sister in a fucking facility and claims it’ll be “better for her” - BULLSHIT. Better for Zu, maybe, not Music.

Ah yes - the girl who the characters have said has problems with routines being changed/change in general... you’re now going to fuck up her routine by dumping her in a facility. Perfect Plan.

The nonverbal autistic girl suddenly speaking to say “don’t go” - you can just predict it from the off, can’t you?

Love that as soon as Music starts talking, Zu is like “fuck it, I’ll keep her!”

Zu really went and crashed Ebo’s brothers wedding... in a fucking bralette... YIKES

“I almost gave Music away” - SHE IS NOT A DOG YOU DONT GIVE PEOPLE AWAY

“We should sing a song” - PLEASE DO FUCKING NOT

Also that kiss/romance montage between Zu and Ebo was the CRINGIEST fucking shit ever

This movie seems to be implying that Music has locked in syndrome or something, like she’s locked in her own head or whatever it’s called, and I just... *sigh*

Oh and now Music magically fucking sings in a room FULL of strangers... this is literally embarrassing, please let this end

I mean it, this movie was fucking painful to watch on ever level

She got a service dog puppy which... okay?

Oh look, it’s the only decent song on the soundtrack but with an absolutely shitty over-stimulatory music video with the credits!

I can only name 5 characters in this film. Maybe 7 at a push, but even then I would be guessing

AND YEP SHE THANKED AUTISM SPEAKS OVER THE CREDITS. FUCK YOU SIA 🖕🏻

Let me reiterate: this is a movie about a neurotypical former drug addict whose character development comes from the autistic character, from having an autistic sister she has to take care of. I’m so tired.

We are NOT plot devices or tools for character development. Not once does anyone in this film treat Music like a human being - she’s treated as a burden, a problem, and then like a pet that they decide to keep. Not once is the film focused on how she is feeling - it’s always about Zu or Ebo. The performance itself was so over exaggerated and it made me want to cry when I watched it because this is how the world sees us, and this movie will make it ten times worse. It’s stuff like this that made me think “I don’t want to be labelled as autistic because people will think I’m a certain way”, that made me wait so long before going to the GP to get a referral.

As I said, poor autistic representation aside, the movie is just so appallingly bad. It truly is one of the worst films I’ve watched. If you’re going to watch it, please don’t - or, if you want to because you want to see how bad it is/to raise awareness/critical posts, at least do it illegally. Do not give Sia your money.

[celestialmarks]

“I’m not the bad one here”: Muu Analysis and Interpretation

here is my personal muu analysis and interpretation. i'm really wondering: does muu really believe herself to be justified? is this a front she's presenting because her apologies remained unheard to the bitter end? is she really vindictive and somewhat indifferent deep down, or is she really pretending to protect herself? somewhat a bit of both? this is what i'll be trying to answer. i'm going to be using : - her official character intro in the character intros MV - her intro voice lines (from the official website) - her interview questions - her drama CD content basically every piece of muu extra content we've got, aside from minimal interactions from the app. AS WELL AS - her MV, After Pain, which i'm going to be deciphering based on the color coding! i don't think anyone has done this in full yet (if anyone did, i apologize)

(general TW for discussions & depiction of severe bullying)

as a general disclaimer,

i'm not going to reiterate points that have already been made. if you've looked at youtube comments of previously made analysis, it should be enough to determine what's going on. i'm interested in exploring why muu may feel justified in her actions and what the "darker" side of her is, is all.

there have been no hints as to the fact that she was a bully in the past or something. it could still come out that she was, or that her behavior was awful in whatever way (which i really wouldn't like bcse it reinforces the notion that bullied people "have to had deserved it" which is gross) and it still WOULD NOT change my opinion of her bcse she's still been through all that and pushed to the limit. at the end of the day, there's no way she lied about or downplayed this. she WAS horribly bullied and she almost died from it.

muu has her flaws, clearly. i'm just pointing out what they are here, her mentality and how it might allude to her being shown in a less sympathetic light next round, but that's it.

first, where does the "muu feeling justified" even come from?

to begin with, it's been stated in her intro "she can have a attitude at some times." it's also confirmed by the insults on the blackboard, transcribed in eng and edited onto the MV's visuals here (TW suicide baiting, self-harm baiting).

"So arrogant" as well as "are you looking down on us?" are written on the first blackboard, "eww poor people" on the second.

in her drama CD, muu also appears to be :

overly blunt at times 

spoiled. used to being treated well, since she's rich

quite manipulative, even if she's straightforward about it

i suggest u read the whole thing to get a sense of what she's like, if you haven't yet!

once again and at the risk of repeating myself... she still doesn't deserve any of what happened even if she was condescending or flaunted her wealth. which i don't even think might be the case (it's not like the bullies are objective, they're just using it as a way to justify their treatment of her. and in the MV she says herself "There's no special meaning / I just got the short end of the stick"). she's kind of naive about her wealth (see the crepe incident dfdghjd) she doesn't appear to do it to annoy others or look down on them. she's just used to a life of comfort.

moreover, it's been implied she may have been taken advantage of initially because of her wealth (see the chat on her phone and the picture of her with the three other girls, which i'll call Girl A, Girl B and Girl C for convenience's sake and also bcse the ref to dr is funny). probably her bluntness and occasional attitude caused her more problems, but i'll come back to what triggered the bullying later.

regarding her manipulative behavior, it's because she's used to getting her way (crepe incident, her telling Es she'll just make him like her : "All I have to do is gain your favour, right?"). "my sorry spells must be wearing off" in After Pain alludes to this. since she was previously quite privileged, she had never been treated like this before. even when she made mistakes she was forgiven, so she may have been a bit of an entitled brat, once again. when she starts being bullied, her world REALLY turns upside down. she's so used to getting her way that she even THREATENS Es at the end of the drama CD. we're past manipulative here. no way to know if she has done this in the past though. this might just be due to her desperation, really, but the fact that she does it right after another attempt at sweet talk does make me raise a brow

also the way she turns the tables on Es. "i won't forgive you" when she's supposed to be the one who's forgiven or not? she's rejecting the fault onto Es, just like, ALL the way through her drama CD, she's been saying she wasn't in the wrong. that's her way of justifying herself when/if she causes harm. literally she will not stop saying it : 

"I’m not the bad one here!" "I did kill them. But, they’re to blame! They made it to the point where I had to kill them… I… I had such a tough time." "Sure, I might’ve killed them, but… If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to escape. The cruel things they did to me were far worse!" "If you’re gonna say that I shouldn’t have killed them, then… Are you saying that I should’ve continued suffering forever?" "Even though I’m not the one in the wrong, they want to sentence me to penal servitude… That’s so messed-up." "It wasn’t a bad thing to do, right?" "What should I do then? What should I do in order for you to forgive me, prison guard? I’ll do anything! Um… Anything painful or embarrassing is out of the question though… And, I don’t wanna do anything scary either…"

muu is DESPERATE to be proven innocent. she'll do almost anything, though she's reluctant to put herself in any situation that might be triggering for her (understandable after what she's been through so i wouldn't say she's whining here.) in one of her intro voice lines on the website she says pretty much the same thing:

That’s right. I killed someone. But I couldn’t help it! If I didn’t, there’d be no way to escape. I’m… not the bad one.

in addition, here is what we get from her intro in the character intros MV:

"Fufu... it's your fault for doing horrible things to me." → Lack of remorse ?

from her interview questions:

"The person who did something wrong should apologize first." → Waiting for others to acknowledge their faults first, bcse she doesn't want her apologies to be ignored again... and to just be mistreated again, as a result?

maybe she wants to be declared innocent so that she can finally feel like she's heard, acknowledged. so that she can feel that her pain has reached people, and she might start apologizing outwardly then too, bcse part of her's sorry. but a part of her genuinely believes she had no other choice and as such should be treated as innocent. it's kind of a complex mentality.

what i'm focusing on is that she has this belief she is justified still.

something caught my eyes in relation to that : the "thinks she's the hero" on the second blackboard. muu has a self-righteous side like futa, even if it were (partially?) a front.

also, the quote behind every inmate : "every saint has a past and every sinner has a future." muu "saved" herself by killing someone else and now has a future, so she's her own hero? perhaps. perhaps that's what is helping her cope with the crushing guilt, and that's why she's outwardly so insistent on it.

but then again, something doesn't click: why would muu be saved from killing someone? the bullying has just gotten worse. why does she seem so relieved in that situation? is it because people at least don't touch her now, because they're scared of her? she is literally getting suicide baited though... well, i have an idea. but first let's decode After Pain properly.

more substance to her feeling justified: the color coding and hidden messages in After Pain

so, here goes. on the official site, people who got the innocent verdict are shown to have green eyes, while people who got the guilty verdict have red eyes. so from this, we can deduce that innocent = green and guilty = red.

well... muu's MV is coded like that all the way through. we have a theme of greens (cold colors) VS oranges (warm colors). to represent her thoughts in relation to her actions, and others'. they’re complementary colors, so it’s rather clear cut (black and white?) the color that's inbetween is the yellow from the screen with the handwriting writing that keeps coming back as well as... yup... the yellow from the box cutter she used to kill Girl A, her crush (presumably). and the yellow that is muu's character color! so very significant. i'll analyse After Pain sequence by sequence so u can see what i mean in detail. beginning of the MV : she's sitting in the classroom alone. the first thing we see is the green hourglass = i'm innocent! and we see the orange glow of the sunset. the light isn't hitting her directly, as u can see: she's left in the shadows = blameless, the victim here. it's hitting the blackboard with all the insults, however.

together with the lyrics this scene is basically everything about muu screaming "SEE? IT'S THEIR FAULT, LOOK WHAT THEY DID. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING." and then of course we have the first instance of the screen with writing in yellow! this one says "ねえなんで" ("say, why?") nothing surprising there so far.

then BOOM the hourglass. very very clearly depicting her pain, her suffocating and being cut from the world. and thus proving her "innocence" bcse she's trapped, in danger of choking, and helpless.

it of course covers her (more of her basically telling you she's innocent). and then it cuts to a pinker, more orange-y scene with the bullies (they're guilty!)

and WAIT A MINUTE? WHAT IS THAT? yep... the box cutter. and what color is it in this scene? orange. it was orange here.

clearly she's saying that the others are much more at fault here. when she wields it, the box cutter is of a lighter color--still a warm color, since it's yellow. but a yellow that's very close to the lime green of her hourglass, isn't it? for now let's say it represents something in between, ambivalent feelings. the writing in yellow comes back and so does the chorus (look at how much i tried to apologize and make them stop). it feels to me like that's muu taking back the mic like HEY, listen up, you saw this right. in conclusion. here it is again: look at how innocent i am! look at how much i've suffered! and thus naturally it cuts to a hourglass scene immediately after.

nonetheless, the writing in yellow says... "でもたぶん" ("but maybe...") which is intriguing.

haven't mentioned this before but obviously muu herself is a mix of warm and cold colors, aka pink (her uniforms highlights, the sleeves and tie + her hair) and green (her eyes, with a highlight of lime/yellow...) then we're back in the classroom and once again the orange light = guilt isn't hitting her directly.

and the colors picked in the LINE chat with the others areee.... naturally, green for her, pink for the others... yellow for the whole background, just as yellow encompasses the entire MV as her true feelings on the matter.

title screen in yellow then flashes yet again, followed AGAIN by the hourglass scene (muu repeating, just like in her drama CD: "yeah, here's my whole story, and i'm innocent!")

the writing in yellow says "ねえもしも" ("hey, tell me...")

the writing in yellow flashes for the FOURTH TIME and this is the most interesting instance: "それなのに" ("even so...")

this shot is doused in orange/warmer yellow on the bullies' side and in the background too. super self-explanatory really

the orange light of guilty is still not hitting muu. meanwhile on her lap...

on the left, the bullies' stockings are blue, but they have a orange hue to them. the rest of the objects here in cold tones are all related to muu or touching her. the picture on her phone is split between yellow and blue. like the blame and innocence was, back then, even/balanced in the sense of peace and quiet, or perhaps just hidden in the background before it jumped out?

she's hit by the orange light here and please look at how the bucket is not blue at all and the floor below her is more yellow. Girl A is the one to open the door, so i think this might show Girl A's POV in relation to muu. not perceiving her innocence.

Girl A's eyes here are green and yellow, so to some extent innocent but guilty in a way that is justified in muu's mind? which is why muu reaches out to her. thus here's my theory on what happened with her : muu confessed, yes. however, the girl didn't out her. especially bcse the blackboard doesn't have any mention of muu liking girls (going by the TL previously shared at least). she just started avoiding muu. given the lyrics here: Girl A used muu's attitude concerning other matters as justification for avoiding her, which kickstarted the bullying. hence "the stabbing of the little devil's voice" which references something Girl A said about her attitude, prompting the rest of their friend group to see muu in a negative light so as to side with her. (since muu's planned counterattack to what Girl A said is a suicide note, it can only be Girl A that's the "devil". the cause.)

also please note how the light is only HALF hitting the background. she's to blame, but not entirely. not yet. besides her eyes are a different shade of green than muu's: darker, far from lime. clearly just green + yellow highlight, without the blatant "innocent" of the lighter lime. entirely ambivalent!

in this shot, the light is deserting muu's eyes. no lime green or yellow here. she just has dead eyes, resembling Girl A's eyes at the end of the video. this is muu telling us that this was her last chance not to become a corpse.

then muu reaches out to the one person she could ask for help. the one person who could have cleared any misunderstanding and possibly stopped this. she's running and everything is soooo yellow and orange. EXCEPT for the bushes which are green, a firm line (literal lines!) that allude to the possibility that Girl A might change her behavior. "perhaps she'll realized she crossed the line/know where the line is and walk off this path."

however, muu steps into the light here. she's been hit by the window's light even if we can't see it, as seen by her shadow. hence, she's already guilty, it's just out of frame (she doesn't realize/know it yet.) still, note that the light hitting her is not orange but ONLY YELLOW. less guilty than the others! but the school? orange. guilty place. guilty people

Girl A is still framed by green stuff. she has a possibility of being innocent, of being forgiven by muu, but the path she's walking is orange, clearly.

we see a tiny hourglass fall off, a timid reminder from muu "i know what you're about to see, just remember i'm not to blame." and then muu reaches Girl A and the background is just SO yellow and orange for the both of them. but notice something? on muu's side the background is more yellow. on Girl A's side it gets darker, more orange.

Girl A doesn't respond for a moment and her eyes are still green and yellow! muu has hope that she might still change for the better and forgive her! see that muu's innocent!

but nope! she rejects muu! and we get this deep orange!!! NOTHING like the yellow in the background earlier! this is the last straw for muu!

contrasting with the green of muu's hourglass breaking as she hits her limit:

yellow, vengeful fire burning next to muu. it's practically shimmering as she stabs Girl A. it's so light it's almost white.

Girl A's eyes have turned orange bcse in that moment in muu's mind SHE is the guilty one. she deserves this.

while in contrast, even if the background behind muu's very orange... her eyes are glowing lime/yellow.

i hit picture limit so this is part 1! (reblogging this to add more. here is the full post with part 2 as well)

[writeranon69]

angst agony the film script!!

tw for eye harm, fighting, arguing, implied suicidal thoughts, etc

Basil took a deep breath in.

Normally, when he stood outside of his room door, there would be no issue. However, just a few minutes earlier, Basil had woken from his slumber in his living room to see Sunny pacing. The resting Aubrey, Kel, Hero, and Mari were heavy sleepers presumably, and laid still in the dead of night. The absence of his late brother was consuming.

However, having a sleepover with these people was something that had not happened for a very long time. Kel had finally managed to get them all to befriend each other again- though they were still working out a few kinks, they at least felt comfortable enough near each other to have a sleepover.

But in the back of Basil and Sunny’s minds, they knew that this peace was undeserved. They tried hard to ignore it, but it seemed as id Sunny had reached his breaking point.

Sunny, after what appeared to be stressed, hasty thinking, decided to go into Basil’s room. A curiosity burned within him. So Basil, as quietly as he could, walked to the door of his room.

There were many thoughts and possible outcomes of what he was about to do coursing through him, but he breathed out and made himself open the door. There, hunched on the floor and facing the window, sat Sunny. It was eerie and the air was still. Sunny seemed to look at something in his hand.

“Su-“ Basil’s voice came out louder than he intended. Quieter this time, he asked “Sunny?”

Sunny took a moment to gather himself, then stood and faced Basil. The look in his eyes was one of utter defeat. In his right fist, he gripped a steak knife. It was shiny.

“Basil…” he whispered. “Why did you stay?”

Basil looked at him and swallowed down his words.

‘Think about it first,’ his late grandmother had said. ‘Then say it.’

“Because… I couldn’t leave you. Not then. Not now,” Basil said. Sunny’s eyes seemed to gloss over.

“I’m not worth staying for, Basil. You… You saw what I did. You should know that best of anyone,” Sunny said.

“I couldn’t. You-“ Basil’s voice broke. His eyes began to tear up. “Not after something like that. You’re too important to leave.”

“Important? God no, I…” Sunny began to sweat. He gripped his knife tighter. “People like me don’t deserve to live.”

“Sunny, what- what are you saying?” Basil’s composure was slowly starting to chip. He ignored the hands that clawed at the edge of his vision, the ones who told him that Sunny was right, that he and Sunny both deserved to die. Basil pretended he didn’t see them.

“That you should have left me. I-“ tears began to roll down Sunny’s cheeks and his brow furrowed. He was speaking now, though softly. “He… wasn’t dead, Basil. People survive things like that, I- I just-“ Sunny’s voice broke into a quiet sob.

“I’m so angry… at me, at you…” Sunny said. Basil breathed in; sharply, involuntarily.

“I- I shouldn’t be surprised. You have every right to be angry, but…” Basil fought the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes, the ache that his head was rattling with.

“Sunny… why would you- you do something like that to him?” Basil said, breathing beginning to quicken. He was speaking normally now. “If you hadn’t, then…”

“I don’t- I don’t know! It’s not like I-“ Sunny said, getting anxious. He was loud, too loud for Basil’s ears right now. Oh, Basil was so terribly tired of fighting how he felt. What if someone got mad at him? He was tired of asking himself that question.

Basil thought of all the times he had to surpress some emotion, do something he didn’t want to, all just to make sure Sunny was happy. It made him so, so angry. When Sunny would turn away from him when they were alone, and he had to pretend all was well. When they lied, sickening and twisted lies about so many things, it made him nauseous. He felt like he didn’t know who Sunny was anymore, like his kindness was a lie. And, in many ways, Basil was the same. Neither were honest with each other, out of fear for throwing off the delicate balance that seemed to please anyone on the outside looking in.

“Well I’m tired of you not knowing! It’s been years, Sunny. What have you-“ Basil started to cry. “What have you been doing this whole time? I’m so tired of this, Sunny.”

Sunny looked conflicted. He was. He felt both angry and like he shouldn’t let himself be angry. “I’ve been… hiding. I couldn’t- I didn’t remember, and I-“

“Shut up, shut up shut up!” Basil yelled, walking towards Sunny and grabbing his shoulders. “That’s so… weak. You couldn’t even face what you did?” Basil was furious.

Sunny pushed him off, harder than he had meant to. “Well I’m sorry that you have it all figured out, but some of us don’t know how to deal with seeing their best friend kill his fucking brother!”

“It’s been four years, Sunny. You’d think you’d try to talk about this at all with me!” Basil said angrily. His torso hurt a bit from where Sunny had pushed him.

“I tried so, so hard Sunny. To hold everything together. But this isn’t… I can’t keep doing this. Not like this,” Basil said.

“Then why do you still try? You could have just left!” Sunny cried out.

“No! I couldn’t, you- you’re so mean! You think this- you think that would have been easy for me?” Basil walked closer, fists clenched.

“Well maybe if you actually gave a damn about how anyone but you felt, you’d think to change something!” Basil was glaring hard. He could feel adrenaline rushed through him, breathing rapid while he was given hardly any time to think.

He grabbed Sunny’s wrist and pulled them both to the floor clumsily. His grip was as tight as it could be with shaking hands, and though his balance was not steady, he acted on impuled and pulled his fist back to punch him. His head felt like it was full of static. His cheeks were no doubt flushed, and he could feel tears run down his cheeks.

Neither of them were strong but they were oh so desperate. Neither knew for what exactly, but as they angrily grabbed and clawed, they could not help but feel so… broken, in a sense. Like two misguided pieces of a whole. Basil’s hands hurt and Sunny’s head throbbed but they kept on wrestling with each other because they didn’t know what else to do.

“Get off of me!” Sunny grunted, in a burst of strength turning them over. He looked Basil in the eyes, and he saw inside the same horrified look he had plastered all over his face so long ago. How could they ever move past this?

Sunny shoved his solemn feeling down deeper, and in their place filled it with misplaced rage. His eyes stung and his fingers were clammy- he felt not two seconds away from retreating to whitespace. He was so incredibly hurt and didn’t know how to deal with it. He couldn’t calm down. He couldn’t.

He gripped his knife tight, so tight his knuckles were turning white and his hand became numb. In a rash, senseless decision, he lifted it up and plunged it into Basil’s eye.

Just a second after his eye had been stabbed, Basil felt a piercing, horrible pain. It throbbed and pinched and it would not stop. He yelled out unintelligible curses, and tears flowed down, a horrible mix of blood, sweat, and tears.

Sunny sat in silence for a moment, frozen.

What was he to do?

He couldn’t seem to fill his lungs with enough air. His hands shook and the knife fell from his hands. Sunny crossed his legs and pulled Basil as close as his unsteady self would allow him to.

“Basil… I’m so sorry…”

Sunny’s head was aching, and Basil was crying, and all Sunny could think about was how incredibly tired he felt. He was so tired of being so miserable, and all he wanted to do was rest. He knew he could not rest now though.

Sunny took off his green sweater vest and used it to dab away the blood on Basil’s eye. It was soft and warm, a gift from Mari for his most recent birthday. She would be so upset to see it blood stained. *Basil should rest too*, Sunny thought.

By the time Hero had come in, not bothering to knock, Basil had already passed out. Sunny knew he wasn’t dead- his cheeks were still rosy and chest still rising and falling. That didn’t make him feel much better, though.

Hero was saying something, probably to Kel or Aubrey, and trying not to yell. Sunny couldn’t listen. He pulled Basil closer and tried to pretend this wasn’t happening. That everything was okay.

He was so exhausted. Hero took Basil out of his arms to look at his eye, so Sunny curled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his scraped and bruised arms around them. He shut his eyes and told himself it was all a very, very bad dream.

Sunny wasn’t awake when the ambulance arrived. Neither was Basil.

…

They would be okay.

H O L Y C R A P.

My God Bee...you killed it again. This is perfect! No, seriously, this is great! The wordplay was mesmerizing, and I even shouted no in real life when I read Sunny gouging Basil's eye out!

There's only one thing to fix, and that's towards the beginning of the story. Pretty sure you typed this for this ask, but that id should be if. That is all honestly, GREAT JOB!

[ihaveathingforlegs]

Random oregairu rant

TW allusions of suicide, TW allusions of sexual assault

Oregairu is generally spoken of as a good anime, from what I've heard. So I tried to watch it. Twice, even. But both times I got no further than the first episode. Maybe I should have watched 3 episodes before making the decision to not watch it, but the first episode gave me all sorts of bad vibes. I'll try to discuss some of the things I found problematic in the first episode.

I don't know Japanese, so my judgement will be entirely based on the English subtitles. If you think something I have mentioned has been mistranslated and has different connotations, please let me know! I have also not read the light novel.

1. Mentioning suicide lightheartedly

It might be understandable for a high-school age boy to be saying things like 'fools that enjoy their youth should go kill themselves' but it is absolutely not acceptable for his teacher, who is in a position of influence over him, to be telling him "You're the one who should die." She is presumably much older than her students, and if she goes about casually telling impressionable young people that they should die then I doubt she is qualified to be a teacher.

2. Problematic sense of humour

Yukinoshita just??? decides that Hikigaya might attack her???

To which, of course, Hikigaya replies in his head with -

Because of course, the only reason to not ogle someone's breasts is that they are small and not worthy of being called breasts 😇🥰

Hiratsuka assures Yukinoshita of her safety by saying -

Because of course the only reason to not sexually assault someone is because doing so might get you in trouble with the law.

The entire scene is played for comedic effect.

3. '''''Helping''''' Hikigaya

So the whole point of getting Hikigaya to join the Volunteer's club was to help him overcome 'cure' his social anxiety. Hikigaya refuses to accept that he has issues and that he needs help. Luckily, Hiratsuka has an excellent way of getting around his reluctance to cooperate.

Yukinoshita initially does not want any part of this, but later agrees to help.

She does so by repeatedly undermining his issues, calling his personality twisted, calling him a creep, and being generally mean to him.

It is not surprising that Yukinoshita does not know how one goes about helping someone with social anxiety. She is dealing with issues of her own, and is literally the same age as Hikigaya. I don't blame her for doing things wrong.

But Hiratsuka is a grown adult. I want to know what she was thinking when she decided that the best way to help these two troubled teenagers would be to put them in a room together amd make one responsible for the other.

I realise that people can sometimes offer a lot of comfort even if they're young or inexperienced or have their own issues. But as an adult in a position of authority, one does not just thrust this duty onto someone who might be(and clearly is) incapable of performing it against their will.

4. Hikigaya's slurs

Hikigaya calls Yukinoshita a bitch and Yuigahama a slut within like five minutes of meeting them.

He might have been justified in doing so had they been friends and had the sort of relationship that includes such name-calling, but they had literally just met. It's inexcusable. He repeatedly calls Yuigahama a slut even after she has clearly expressed her discomfort at being called it.

5. Heteronormativity and stereotyping

What I gathered from the subtitles was that Yuigahama implied that she wanted to bake cookies for someone she was romantically interested in. Hikigaya assumes this romantic interest's gender and goes on to say something like 'men are simple creatures, they will be won over by the smallest thing you do for them.' I don't see how Hikigaya, being just one man, can presume to speak for the entirety of mankind and make a general statement.

Considering that I am interpreting this based on the subtitles, Yuigahama might have mentioned the person's gender and Hikigaya might not have been assuming it. If you know Japanese, then you could maybe clarify that.

___________________________________________________________________

Note that I am absolutely not attacking the entirety of the show. This is just how I see the first episode. It is entirely possible that these problematic elements die out early in the series and it goes on to become something beautiful. I have seen that happen before. A long running series certainly develops in character and changes over time. With that said, unless I am fairly convinced that this does happen, I will not make any further attempts to watch the show.

The end, I guess?

[hermits-that-craft]

Marionette Roulette - Chapter 2

TW- Mentions of suicide, implied child abuse

ao3 link in the first reblog

Sam hovers awkwardly at the door to Techno and Phil’s house, unsure as to if he should go in or not. He needs to let them know what has happened, and he needs the information that Phil could potentially have, but this isn’t his news to break.

Except he’s the only one who cares enough to tell the three people who live so far away.

“Are you going to say something, or just stand there?” Ranboo asks, his head tilted in confusion. “You doing alright Sam?”

“I need to tell you guys something. Are Techno and Phil home?” Sam asks, shaking himself out of his stupor.

“Come in.” Techno invites him in from behind Ranboo, a look on his face telling Sam that it’s going to be hard to convince him that he doesn’t know what happened.

Sam steps into the cottage, warm air washing over him like sea foam. It clings to his fur, and Sam finds himself hissing in content. Phil and Techno exchange worried looks, but Ranboo just smiles, and mumbles something to the pair.

“You said you had something to tell us?” Phil says, breaking the silence.

“You might want to sit down for this.” Sam says, taking a deep breath in. Phil, Techno and Ranboo sit around the kitchen table, Ranboo nervously looking around. Phil and Techno exchange a glance, and Techno rolls his eyes.

“Bit over dramatic, I’m sure the news isn’t that huge.” Techno says with a smirk.

“Tubbo was killed in a battle against Dream two days ago.” Sam says, his voice wavering. “Tommy is currently missing in action, presumed dead. I’m so sorry.”

The trio just stare at him, his words washing over them. Ranboo is the first to understand what was said, burying his face into his hands and sobbing quietly. Phil is the next to realise, horror and grief mixing in his eyes as he wails. A father who possibly outlived two of his sons, the only survivor sitting next to him. Techno is the last to realise, and anger overtakes grief in his eyes. Techno stands, pushing his chair over in his rush. Techno stalks over to Sam, pushing him against the wall as though that could change the past.

“You’re sure! You’re sure that Tubbo is dead.” It’s not a question but a demand.

“I’ve seen the body.” Sam says, tears dripping down his face. “Axe to the chest. He couldn’t survive that one.”

“And Tommy. He’s just missing, not dead, correct?”

“Techno, it’s Tommy .” Sam says. “Do you really believe that he would survive Tubbo’s death? After everything he gave up for Tubbo?”

Phil wails once more, keening in lament for his son. Ranboo starts to shake, as though he wants to teleport away but simply can’t . Techno lets Sam go, collapsing to the floor. It’s as though he can’t process it, as though he can’t do anything but stare at the ground. It must be hard - losing both of your siblings within a year.

“I need to ask a few questions, but if you don’t feel up to answering them then I can leave.” Sam says gently.

“Go on.” Ranboo says for the two men, not waiting to see their reactions.

“Tubbo’s family.” Sam says softly. “Someone needs to tell them that he’s died. Do you know who I can contact?”

“Captainsparklez, on Mianite.” Phil says, staring at the ground. “I- He- I-”

“Thank you.” Sam says, nodding his head at the man. “I’ll let him know.”

“When is the funeral?” Techno asks, hugging himself while he sits on the floor.

“Next week.” Sam says. “We have to-” He takes a deep breath in. “There’s no coffins Tubbo’s size, and everyone would prefer to bury Tommy with him. They were best friends, after all.”

“But there’s a chance Tommy’s alive.” Ranboo says without conviction. He’d seen Tommy in exile, he was the only person in the house who visited the teen more than once. Ranboo clearly knew about Tommy’s spiraling mental health - something that Sam only learnt about after the bombing of L’Manburg, in a quiet exchange between Tommy and Tubbo that Sam was never supposed to hear - and Ranboo clearly knew that there wasn’t any way that Tommy survived Tubbo’s death.

If the teen fell to his own hand or his enemy’s, it didn’t matter. Tommy and Tubbo could not be separated.

Tubbo barely lived when Tommy was in exile - both times. Sam had seen the teen roaming Manburg, looking as though he was barely surviving without his friend. It appeared better in the second exile - perhaps Tubbo was putting on a brave face, or maybe he was just used to it - but it was clear that he still missed the teen.

And, deep down, Sam knows that Tommy felt the exiles worse than Tubbo. After all - Tubbo had a support system. Tommy had an insane man, one who blew up his home, the other who blew up his home and killed his best friend.

Tommy was always handed the short end of the stick, and always punished for acting out because of it. It’s upsetting just how little the university seems to have cared about the teen, until after he died. No one cared for him until after he died.

“Thank you.” Sam says, pulling himself out of his anger. “I’ll message you the dates for the funerals.”

“Why didn’t you just message us the news?” Phil asks, his voice hollow.

“Because hearing that your children died is news that you should hear from someone’s mouth. Not through a screen.” Sam responds despondently. He turns, walking out of the room. How could Philza ask him that? How could he care so little for Tommy and Tubbo? Was it because Sam was the one who told him, or was it because he didn’t care for the teens.

“Tubbo wasn’t our brother.” Sam hears Techno mumble. “And both were problems who tore the family apart.”

Red flashes in Sam’s eyes, and Ranboo wails at those words. One should not speak ill of the dead. Sam lets the door slam behind him, a loud bang! that condemns the two adults in the house to a damnation that Sam can bring to their doorsteps. Dream may have taken away his right to be the warden, but there isn’t much Sam would have to do to convince the rest of the server to throw the pair into the jail for their comments.

Sam is not a vengeful man, but those children didn’t deserve death and pain. Tommy didn’t deserve to be put with that family. Tubbo didn’t deserve to be spoken about with such contempt.

Sam steps out into the snow storm, walking away from the cottage warmed by false ideals of family. Tubbo is dead, and the likelihood of Tommy having survived is so close to nothing it shouldn’t be counted as an option.

But Sam has worked under worse conditions. He’ll find Tommy - either his body, his ghost or his person. Maybe then he can help the teen.

Show him what a family looks like.

----

Niki looks out of the window of her and Puffy’s home, humming under her breath. Tubbo, dead?

Why would Dream kill Tubbo, when Tommy was far worse - a warmonger? It doesn’t make sense to Niki, though she supposes that Dream may have only returned Tubbo’s body to the main area of the server because Tommy isn’t worth a grave. He can rot where he lies, for all Niki cares.

Is that true though?

Guilt claws at her heart, as though she was the one who killed the teens. She never wanted Tubbo dead - Tommy was the only one that she and Jack wanted to kill. Why can’t she stomach the two teens' deaths? Why does guilt drown her as though she threw the axe?

Tubbo died saving Tommy, Dream had said. Perhaps that's why she feels as though she threw the axe. Tubbo had jumped in front of the axe to save Tommy from certain death, dying in the process.

Would he have done the same, if it were Niki and Jack throwing the axe?

---

Ghostbur sits in the L’Manhole, hiding under an undercroft as rain buckets down. He sticks his hands into the rain, watching as they run like watercolours in the rain. He wants to feel pain. He longs for it to hurt, for the pain to be unbearable and for it to burn like the noise it makes. It doesn’t. It doesn’t feel like anything. His skin fizzes and his hands run like paint down a drain, but he doesn’t feel any pain.

Tubbo is dead. Tommy could be dead.

“Get your hands out of the rain, loverboy.” Glatt says, making Ghostbur jump. “Tubbo is with us down there, but he’s happy to stay and rest for a while. He says he’ll be back for his funeral.”

“And Tommy?” Ghostbur isn’t able to return to the Aether, not since he made the deal with Glatt to watch the overworld for the other ghost. He could return, of course, no deal stops the inevitable, and maintaining a form is hard , but he doesn’t want to.

Alivebur is so loud there.

“He isn’t there, Wilbur.” Schlatt says, his voice more full. Without an echo. “Your little brother is alive. Tubbo says Dream killed him so that he could break Tommy.”

“No.” Ghostbur pleads with the rain, with his friend. “ No, not Toms. Not my baby brother.”

“I’m sorry, Wil.” Glatt says, pulling the tall ghost into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”

“He’s just a kid. He’s just a kid. ” Ghostbur’s eyes glow bright, angry, and Glatt looks at him with growing realisation.

“This is not a world to make into a disaster, Ghostbur.” Glatt warns. “There is more than just us here.”

“We deserve the pain.”

“Let’s go somewhere warm.” Glatt says, the bedrock glowing golden as Glatt opens a portal to the Aether.

Thats one good thing about the L’Manhole. They don’t need to beg Dream to make a bedrock portal for them anymore. They have access to enough bedrock here to keep a portal open constantly.

[dredgenshrike-defunct]

🎵 (free for all, yours, yours + mine, yours + others :3)

Presumably Dead Arm - Sidney Gish

Honey, you are nothing to me

Alcohol and dopamine

I'm dying on the sofa

And I barely know the time

//okay disclaimer this one may actually need a tw for implied eating disorders / suicidal thoughts. I know Orion isn't my most popular muse but I like him,

Orion didn't know how long it had actually been. He'd been sitting there for hours- or maybe a few minutes. The water was still warm, so it couldn't have been that long he figured. His hair was down, wet, softer from conditioner. His muscles felt less tensed under the warmth.

The lights were off, candles lit. This was perfectly relaxing. He couldn't reason why he had been sobbing then- wondering how long it'd take for someone to find him there if he drug the air from his lungs and drowned himself, told Andromeda to find an actually functioning Guardian. It weighed on every muscle.

He'd come a long way (he still couldn't fucking speak- why couldnt he speak? other Guardians could do it? Why did he have to struggle so god damn much?) from his time as a newer Guardian. His hand tightened as he moved it to his hair.

A long way didn't remove the slight chub at his stomach he couldn't work off. No matter how much Kit insisted all Guardians were rezzed with imperfections. He hated being out of his armor. He hated seeing other Guardians especially. He hated crowds- and he wasn't even allowed on higher missions because you were supposed to be able to talk so your teammates knew where you were and your status. A long way didn't change how he wanted to spill anything he'd eaten whenever someone mentioned Alpha.

He found solace in babysitting for the Eliksni or helping Mithrax, but he couldn't find it in near anybody else. He hated Shrike for some reason or another and after Mithrax's stories on the Saint he was beginning to realize he should have never met his idols. Orion leaned further up to keep the thought he had been debating from happening, and he felt his Ghost nudge at the hand wound so tightly in his hair he was sure he was tearing strands out. He eased up, wrapping his arms around his knees.

Maybe he was just being bitchy. Other Guardians went through worse- he could be without a Ghost and without a fireteam. His stomach hurt from hungriness. His back and shoulders hurt. He was pretty sure he had left some of the lights on in other places of the house. His water was getting cold. His dinner was getting cold.

Orion pulled the plug on the drain, dragging a towel closer. He'd put the food in the refridgerator for Kit. He didn't need it. He thought about taking off for the next day. He reasoned it would be good for him, but as he got up to wrap a towel around his waist, it wasn't worth it.

All he needed was to focus on his work more. The field. By himself, hopefully.

[thevoidable]

How and why Dabi is still alive - a theory

Now, assuming the Dabi is a Todoroki theory is correct, there’s always been one big, persisting question since we got a certain confirmation several chapters ago in the manga: just how is Dabi still alive?

That’s the question I’m hoping to answer or at least provide some more insight on by the end of this post, and what I’ll be doing is going in-depth about the cremation process and digging into context clues within the manga, so, major manga spoilers and TWs ahead.

Before we look into how Dabi is still alive, we must first answer how Toya himself actually “died”. As I previously mentioned, chapter 249 gave us confirmation that the Todorokis all firmly believe that Toya is dead, but it was still left unclear on just what was the cause, and most of us had the idea that Endeavour had possibly killed Toya during training.

But then, chapter 252 gave us another vague yet crucial detail:

Endeavour was not directly responsible for his death, but the way this is worded still implies that he is somewhat part of the reason. So, if Endeavour didn’t kill him, what did? Previously in chapter 250, Fuyumi mentions the following:

So, we know that whatever happened to Toya was after the kettle incident. Now, given all the build-up of him being the eldest (therefore him seeing and experiencing the most), suffering through Endeavour’s abuse, and then his mother snapping and becoming potentially just as dangerous, the most likely cause of death for Toya is, unfortunately, suicide. Everything was just too much for him at that point and he, too, snapped. It’s likely that he hid away in an empty room and burned himself alive, and by the time Endeavour (or possibly any of his siblings) found him, it was too late.

So now that we know how Toya died, we can finally start getting to the juicy part, but before we do, I would just like to quickly bring up Dabi’s Quirk and how compatible it is with his body, because that’s going to be important later.

During Dabi’s fight with Geten, we got confirmation that his flames are indeed detrimental to his own body.

Paired with Endeavour’s words said to Shoto during training, and Natuso, Rei, and Fuyumi’s conversation in chapter 187,

it’s easy to put together that Toya inherited a body more suited for an ice Quirk. Given that, it’s still very impressive that Dabi is getting away with the burns that he has and isn’t just straight up dead, so just how hot are his flames? With a quick Google search, blue fire burns at a whopping 1400 - 1650 degrees Celsius (2600 - 3000 degrees Fahrenheit), which means that despite his disadvantage, he still has an amazingly strong resistance to extremely high temperatures. Not only that, but his body is also very likely to survive extreme cold temperatures too, so in a way, Toya essentially has a very flawed version of Shoto’s body and Quirk.

Alright, back to our regularly scehduled programming.  So, Toya burned himself alive, and now Endeavour has to deal with the aftermath. What does he do? Something that I’ve noticed which is incredibly strange is that none of the authorities have been able to figure out Dabi’s identity at all - as of right now, every single core League member has been revealed except for Dabi. If Dabi is Toya, why has no one been able to get DNA tests, fingerprints, etc.? If the other members can be figured out, then Dabi should be too. ...Unless Endeavour had wanted to erase Toya from public existence entirely.  It’s entirely possible that Endeavour contacted the Safety Commission to help him cover up his son’s death and make it as if he had never existed in the first place. Back then, Toya was seen as nothing but a mistake, a failure, so with him dead, it was easy for Endeavour to just sweep him under the rug and move on with his successful son. The Safety Commission would have handled erasing any and all data on Toya, which would explain why investigations regarding Dabi’s identity are coming up dry (oh the irony). So, with his digital existence erased, what about his actual physical one? Considering that around 99% of deceased in Japan are cremated, and Dabi’s name itself means “cremation”, the choice is blatantly obvious. What we have next to look at to figure out how Dabi survived is the cremation process. It consists of a few basic steps: - The body is transported to the crematory and kept in cold storage until the time of cremation - The body must be identified before the cremation process can begin - The body is cleaned and dressed (optional) - The body is placed into a cardboard box or casket and is cremated in the cremation chamber for 2 - 3 hours - Lastly, the remains are then ground up into “ashes” and given back to the family. First of all, in order for this theory to check out, we must address the elephant in the room: Toya is presumed dead.  So how would he even be alive at this point anyway? Well, there’s actually a pretty good explanation for that. Turns out, people waking up in morgues can happen every so often. (As a side note, I’m no medical expert, so if I get anything wrong or get the information confused, then please let me know.)

A reduction in temperature you say? Like...being kept in cold storage? When Toya burned himself alive, he would have burned until he lost consciousness due to the fire eating away at his oxygen, which could have prompted his heart to stop or reduce its pulse greatly. Thus, as the above article suggests, when he was placed into cold storage, he was kept alive and given time to recover. The fact that his body is more suited to the cold is even better in this case, meaning that there’s no way the cold would harm him either.

With the elephant removed, we can now move on to the next steps: body identification and cremation preparation. Assuming that the Safety Commission is taking all measures to make sure that no one knows this is Endeavour’s eldest son, this part of the process suddenly becomes extra shady.  What the body identification means is that the body is labelled with a unique number so that the remains can be identified after the cremation. However, there is also paperwork involved - yet another thing that the Commission would have to keep confidential, or perhaps even alter, giving fake names and the like.  As mentioned earlier, the body being cleaned and dressed is optional, so that is clearly off the table too in order to keep Toya’s identity hidden from whoever works at the crematory.

And finally, we now get to the best part: the cremation itself. I doubt that Endeavour would have a casket prepared for Toya, so he would just be placed in a sturdy cardboard box, and then he’d be slid on into the cremation chamber, which is basically a human-sized brick oven. Now, this is where Toya’s body compatibility really comes into play. Remember how I said that blue fire burns at 1400 - 1650 degrees Celsius (2600 - 3000 degrees Fahrenheit), and that regardless of his burns he still has a crazy high temperature tolerance because of it? If he is able to withstand a decent amount of his own flames, then a measly cremation temperature of 1000 - 1300 degrees Celsius (1400 - 1800 degrees Fahrenheit) will do almost nothing to him besides make his already existing burns a little worse. So, it’s at this point that we now have to ditch science and research and start letting our imaginations run wild, because everything that happens next is all plot-based. It’s worth mentioning that I have never worked in a crematory before, so I’m not sure if the bodies are watched constantly while they burn (I know that families can watch their desceased be cremated if they so choose, but as far as general monitoring goes, I’m not sure), mostly because the process takes 2 - 3 hours, but if they’re not watched, then it’s my personal belief that Toya wakes up as he’s being cremated and busts his way out of the cardboard box in a fit of panic. Once out of the chamber, he realises what’s going on due to another body that could be cremating at the same time.  I’d imagine that what’s going through Toya’s head right now is that people think he’s dead when he’s actually not, and he’d perfer it if it stayed that way. He has the perfect opportunity to get away from Endeavour and start anew elsewhere - this is his second chance. To avoid being found out, he braves the flames again to switch out the ID labels so that the other body’s ashes will be mistaken for his, and he makes his escape out of the crematory to face the streets for the first time. As for what happens during the ten year gap between then and now, I have no idea of what Dabi does or goes through, so that’s all for Hori to know and us to find out.

And so, that concludes my theory! 

I hope you all enjoyed reading it - I did as much research as I could and tried to come up with the most logical scenario possible, and this was the result. I’ve been working on it since midnight and it is now 3AM, so I am going to go the fuck to bed and get some sleep lmao. Let me know your thoughts and if you have anything to add!

[threelivesthreeworlds]

@mcheang said   :    First off, I wouldn’t say Jiheng was abandoned by the demon clan so much as she abandoned them when she left them to pick up the pieces of the botched wedding. She knew she would be exiled and chose to run away anyway. Second, it was never really stated that Dong Hua would stop visiting her after he was married. He would still have to check on the poisoned daughter of his trusted general and make sure she survived.

The admins always think of a few quotes to go in each essay as textual evidence, and admittedly with these next few quotes the previous essay would’ve likely been more complete - we just don’t want to overload our audience with paragraphs and paragraphs of text. So, let’s consider this the Ji Heng Essay, Pt. 2, feat. some Interesting Narrative Foils / Parallels, because I think we don’t actively recognize how similar Ji Heng can be to our leads, and I think sometimes we have to directly look at that and to look within ourselves to figure out why we let our favorite characters off, but we go hard on Ji Heng forever. You’ll have to bear with me - this carries a lot of extra analysis of the text per point addressed, but I believe a somewhat more thorough exploration is required.

TW SUICIDE MENTION, TW DUB CON MENTION, TW GASLIGHTING, for mention of certain canon events, proceed with caution

TO THE FIRST POINT, we have to address, in further detail, what happened after Ji Heng ran away from the wedding. When Xiao Yan tells Feng Jiu about the story Ji Heng told him of what’s happened since they went their separate ways, he does say that she stayed away from the demon clan of her own accord:

Feng Jiu massaged her shoulder, and looked a touch confused: "What does that have to do with Princess JI Heng?"

Xiao Yan was even more confused. "Did I never tell you, that when Ji Heng ran away with that little guard Minsu, they eloped to Fanyin Valley?" He scratched his scalp, the face as beautiful as autumn flowers under the moon touched with a tint of red: "Actually, I only found out half a year ago. All this time, Ji Heng's true love Minsu was a girl who was dressed as a man, and she liked her brother. After she figured that out, Ji Heng couldn't deal with the shock and fought with Minsu, and they separated, but she felt that she was too embarrassed to return to the demon clan, and so she stayed in Fanyin Valley to be the court musician."

However - later, at the end of the book when Chonglin goes to ask the Red Demon Clan about Ji Heng and where she is, he gets this answer:

When Chonglin went to meet with the Red Demon Clan, Lord Xuyang said that after the incident three hundred years ago when his sister ran away with Minsu, the Red Demon Clan had already banished her, and Ji Heng had no contact with the Red Demon Clan since then. Their clan could not tell where she was now.

If anything, then, I think it would be considered a mutual abandonment. For, drastically different reasons, I might add. Ji Heng’s reasons for staying away from home appear to be pride - that she ran away with someone who ended up not being in love with her, who ended up to be lying to her this whole time. That she’s become “pitiful,” because she didn’t follow through on the marriage her brother arranged for her even if she didn’t want it, and now she’s unhappy. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute - and because Admin Ro is both Asian the queen of analogies, imagine that you’ve decided against everyone’s wishes in your family that you were going to be an actor. They all told you you’re going to starve, and, what do you know, they were right. You are in fact out of work and poor. Would you go home, to a chorus of I-told-you-so? To a chorus of people more pleased that they’re right about you than they are willing to support your dream and what you want to do with your life?

Along that vein, her brother’s motivations for banishing her are likely more political. He arranged Ji Heng’s marriage to Donghua because he wanted the political ties to Heavenly Realm. And, in the aftermath of the elopement, in all likelihood he’s trying to disown Ji Heng as fast as possible to avoid it being a reflection on him / his clan, so they don’t get into trouble with either Donghua Dijun (who, by all means should’ve been humiliated by this turn of events) or Jiu Chong Heaven. He does not support his sister’s decision, and in fact, does not want to even be seen supporting his sister’s decision.

Now, food for thought, okay - take a moment and compare that to Feng Jiu, who’s had a very similar narrative. When Feng Jiu goes after someone she loves, going so far as to become a maid, pretend to be a fox, and, basically lose all face for Qingqiu, and he turns out not to have loved her and he turns out to hurt her, what happens? She goes home, to friends and family that do love her. That do support her and have shown support for her, all this time. She has a family who’s waiting for her to go home, who’ll be shields for her, as Zhe Yan says, who she trusts because they’ve always been there for her, over political obligation sometimes. The Bai Family “help their family, not the one that’s in the right.” And let’s take a look at what happens when Feng Jiu runs away from a wedding okay - she blows Cang Yi’s whole palace apart, and yes, she gets punished for this but it’s no more drastic than, likely, being locked in the cave or being spanked. Her family doesn’t disown her because she lost face or because she made a political blunder.

The fact that fandom in general holds these two women to very different standards in this very similar event despite them both being just women who’re trying to run away from a political marriage they don’t want - is concerning. But that fact notwithstanding - from just these two different environments, it’s not hard to see why, in the face of certain decisions, Ji Heng and Feng Jiu make different choices. Now, as a person, I firmly believe no matter what your situation is you make your own choices. So, it’s still on them, as to what choices they make when faced with yet again, a similar situation: not being loved by the person they love. But, with any amount of compassion, you can see, very clearly, why it’s more likely and easier for Ji Heng to make the bad choice. She hasn’t had a particularly large amount of strong relationships in her past, familial or otherwise, that shows her what a good, healthy, strong relationship is like. There is no reference point.

One might argue that Donghua’s just the same, since he has had no real parents and he isn’t close to his foster family. Well, that’s just it - out of this void, where his close relationships are supposed to be, Donghua doesn’t do any better either. In fact, he screws up just as much. Now, I can’t weigh “threatening to kill yourself unless your crush divorces his wife” and “lying to your crush and changing their memories so that they forget everything bad you’ve ever done and sleeping with her using a whole different identity” against each other on a scale of, which is worse. Because they’re both bad, and it’s both toxic in a relationship - but, it seems as though the fandom in general judges them differently as well. 

With Donghua, we seem to be more capable of admitting that the things he does are mistakes. We seem to be more capable of saying “it’s because he doesn’t know what he’s doing, it’s because he hasn’t had any experience, it’s because of xyz.” We seem to be capable of understanding that his flaws are flaws, but that Donghua is not a fundamentally evil character and these flaws don’t fundamentally define who he is. We seem to be capable of liking him and forgiving him for his flaws overall. Whereas, with Ji Heng, the general trend I and Admin Lins have seen is to dislike her, even though these two characters screw up the same amount, and, I mean, for similar reasons and to a similar scale. 

And while I’m not saying people can’t dislike the characters they dislike - I think we have to to evaluate ourselves and ask ourselves the question - why is it that we are capable of forgiving Donghua for what he does, but we aren’t capable of forgiving Ji Heng? Why is it that we would rather assume that Donghua is a good person and that he isn’t making these decisions because he is bad, but we aren’t capable of the same assumptions for Ji Heng? 

One of Donghua’s major flaws is carelessness - and that lead us TO THE SECOND POINT. When Donghua leaves the valley with Feng Jiu, Ji Heng catches up and asks to be taken with them. His response implies that Ji Heng’s condition was not really a concern to him at that moment: 

A flash of surprise entered Ji Heng's eyes, but her gaze was full of hope as it directed toward Dijun. Donghua said coolly: "Living in Fanyin Valley will control the Quishui poison. If you live here for three thousand years, the poison will fade away by itself."

And also gives a response that leaves even Feng Jiu saying he’s cold:

Donghua suddenly said: "Your father asked me to take care of you before he feathered...but, I have never liked to care for someone who has designs on me."

Ji Heng's face was suddenly pale, and after a long while, she said sadly: "Yes, I understand."

At the edge of the lake, Feng Jiu stared at the surface of it. Dijun wet a handkerchief and gave it to her. Feng Jiu took it and pressed it to her face for a while, and waited for the cold to sink into her skin, and finally woke up entirely to say: "Thank goodness when I was maid at your palace, you didn't have the chance to know me. If you met me then, you would've said to me what you said to Ji Heng today, right?" And said, tentatively, "You were a little cold, when you said that."

Now, I can’t tell you for sure whether or not Donghua meant exactly to make good on it - but the implications are all there. Telling her the poison is no longer a concern and she should just stay in the Valley while he presumably leaves,  and when he talks about her father, doesn’t that sound like a threat? It certainly probably would have, to Ji Heng: “I know you like me, now stop, or I’ll never come back.” That’s what that sounds like. Now, both admins on this blog have anxiety, and, if you look at Ji Heng and how she was literally ready to kill herself at the end of the book, it’s not hard to conjecture that she probably has some mental illness. Piecing that together with what we previously discussed, it’s not hard to infer that she likely has some anxiety surrounding abandonment. 

In her mind, that might very well translate to a straightforward, he’s leaving and never coming back. One might say “why doesn’t she just stop liking him then” but that’s an unreasonable thing to expect...honestly, no one can just turn their emotions off like that, we know this, right? We can’t expect that of a person, so we can’t expect that of a character or that character would no longer be authentically human. Furthermore, if you look at the actions Donghua took in the Valley before he and Feng Jiu ever got together, I think you can see where Ji Heng’s mind might take that even more drastically. The second Feng Jiu showed up in the Valley and this coincided with Donghua’s visit, what does Donghua do? He makes her cook for him, he goes to live with her, he straight up puts up a ward to block them both from the rest of the world. He basically declares to the whole world that, “the only thing I care about here is Feng Jiu.”

Bear in mind, he visits Ji Heng every ten years and is the only thing close to a friend she has in the Valley before Xiao Yan shows up. Ji Heng has been cooking for and living with Donghua every ten year interval he has shown up. To be suddenly and quite completely shut out and removed by this person she thought was her friend, that she had feelings for, even if they were only on her part as far as she knew, is hurtful. It’s like Donghua is saying “I like Feng Jiu, and so I don’t care about you or what you do anymore.” 

Now, that’s not Feng Jiu’s fault, and it’s not Donghua’s fault. He’s free to do that, of course, and people change and they outgrow each other and they leave. But - to a person who’s been left by a lot of people, doesn’t it make sense for Ji Heng to react drastically? Doesn’t it make sense for her to see that Donghua is getting married to Feng Jiu and further extrapolate from his previous actions that he’s unlikely to visit again? Think of it if it happened to you - if your best / only friend, one that you care about a lot and are extremely invested in, left you because they found a new friend, can you truly say that you wouldn’t harbor a single bitter thought for that new friend? Can you say in those circumstances, every time, you would make the right choice? 

IN CONCLUSION, all this, and the previous essay, is not to say that what Ji Heng does throughout the narrative isn’t bad. It is bad, and it is messy, and it does hurt people. These are explanations and not excuses for her behavior. I and Admin Lins will both agree that of the two of us, I am definitely the harder one on Ji Heng. I get my little bursts of rage when I get to certain areas in the novel that, yes, I can’t soothe over even knowing everything that I know. However, I do think - that a part of evaluating reads and the flaws of each character is trying to understand them. I think I have enough faith in Tang Qi that I believe she wouldn’t put a flat antagonist character in a novel to be “evil” for evil’s sake - and therefore, when I go through my read and I see the hints of dimension, I can say, I see it and it’s there. 

In the end, sure, it’s about what everyone wants to believe. You can see that evidence and interpret it however you want. That’s how art and subjectivity and reads work - no one read is completely right.  No one read is completely objective. If someone looked at all of this and thought “nah, bull, Ji Heng did all of it because she’s just an awful person,” I guess there’s nothing to stop them. But in literature,  where every character is a reflection of a living, breathing, relatable person, the admins on this blog are more inclined toward a middle read. That not everyone is completely good and that not everyone is completely bad. That people make bad decisions because of their pasts, because of their circumstances, because of their mental illnesses, but that it does not make them, over all, a bad person forever. 

I think if I can extend my compassion to Donghua and Feng Jiu, who have screwed up all over the place throughout this novel, and say, “I understand why you did this, you’re stupid, but I love you anyway” then I can extend that very same compassion to Ji Heng. And I think, if I can say “It’s ok, give them time, they can do better” about the main characters, then Ji Heng also deserves that very same hope. People are flawed. People make mistakes. People can regret it and get better.