#tw implide suicide | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

anangrygreekgod · 2 years ago

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as i sit on my bed and wait for the next video to load so i can distract myself from feeling to much of the impending doom of tomorrow, i think about how much of an impact lying can have on a person, i think about how i want to walk away, i think about how i think, how i look at others i decide what is normal or what looks off.

One thought at a time.

lying, right? i think about how many times a lie can (and has) been rambled of to someone else. knowingly or unknowingly. i think about the impact a lie can have, i think about the lie when someone changed the wikipedia article to say that some deer or antelope's name is said like xylophone. i think about the lie about how pee can stop a jellyfish sting from hurting. i think about how the person who thought of that must've had a piss kink or something. one thought at a time. minds can wonder, you know? travel far off from the point. has this post been to long? remember, one thought at a time. right. remember how i said i saw on my bed? yeah, no. i'm in my bathroom. on the floor. typing. thinking. later i'll say that i walk to work, that i even have a job, and i'll be lying then too.

I think we have exhausted this thought.

i think about how i think. i remember analyzing other people to see where they put their hands while they walk, most people have their hands to their side. some have there hands in their pockets, and i think it looks a little odd. i remember that i stored that in the back of my head, to remember not to put my hands in my pockets while i walk. i remembered seeing someones phone in their pocket with a earbud wire coming out of said pocket and reminded myself to not put my phone in my pocket while listening to music, to instead annoyingly hold the phone in my hand instead of looking a slight bit off if you look close to the people i walk past on my way to work. i think about a time when i didn't think about things like that, looking odd or out of place. i must have been young, probably not older than 10. i think about my younger self, how she was, at one point, carefree and unknowingly annoying. i think i miss him. her. i think about referring to yourself (specifically your younger self) when you have changed things like pronouns or names. do you use the old pronouns to preserve what is left of your old self or your new ones.

One thought at a time. Remember?

no i don't, actually

Go back and look.

...

i messed up

Yes. Yes you did.

i messed up the order.

Fix it.

i think about how i want to walk away. not run, walk. walking away usually refers to getting out of a situation before it turns sour. or even after its turned sour. i think about how my life has gone, and if i can walk out on it.

That's wrong.

what?

Your walking away not walking out.

oh... right.

i think about how late it is. it's not that late in the grand scheme of things but it's late enough that my spelling isn't something to be admired. i think about the grand scheme of thing. thing about how big but small things are. i think about perspective. i think about letting go, about letting lose and being free. i think about how happy i could be. i can be. i think about-

i hear the small talk of to dudes with enough money to buy two microphones and a camera come through my earbuds and i freeze.

i think about lying and how i've lied.

i think about how i perceive myself and other, and how i hold myself because of it.

i think about walking.

i think about shutting my phone of and walking away. walking out. outside. onto the streets.

What are you doing in the middle of the road?

i think about how maybe i find a street that leads me back home.

Get out of the road, your going to get hit.

i think about the bright headlights to the side of me

GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU WILL GET HURT

i think about deer

...

i think about blood on windshields

...

i thought about how i'll never find home

Idiot kid.

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