#tw gross medical discussion

[metalheadsforblacklivesmatter]

Using terms like "mutilation" for gender affirming surgery is really weird to me. Because like...

Tw for gross medical discussion.

I had a friend that had a double mastectomy due to breast cancer. For some reason it didn't show up on scans well so the doctors were not mentally prepared for how bad it was when they went in. And like looking back after the surgery they can kind of see it on the scans, but before they legitimately couldn't. It's one of those "when you see it" type of things.

So what was supposed to be a one to two hour surgery ended up as an all day surgery. And when the doctor came out to tell us how she was doing. It was graphic. It was gross. It was disgusting.

Are we gonna say her double mastectomy is less valid because they had to scrape cancerous tissue off the skin?

Using gross words to describe gender affirming surgery doesn't make the gender affirming surgery less valid. Surgery is just gross.

-fae

"When people talk about gender-affirming surgery using words like “mutilation,” that's not very nice. Is that how you think about people who've had surgery for other things? It's a disgust reaction, and I do not take disgust into account as a legitimate point of discourse. I don't have to entertain it and I'm not going to. It's a waste of everybody's time, it's knee-jerk, it's not grounded in reality, and it's not useful. And it's a squeamishness about medical intervention. I think the idea of making legislative or cultural decisions in and around [that] is laughable. Your squeamishness is not what the world turns on; it doesn't matter."

Liv Hewson in Teen Vogue (italics added by me for emphasis)

[naked-peet]

Okay listen i don't really notice vaginal dryness from being on T EXCEPT for the fact that not as much discharge is in my underwear, right? WELL

I'm wearing an old pair of underwear and I just.. forgot? That discharge is acidic? And that I used to produce it regularly? So I pulled down my pants to use the toilet and thought I had shit myself so much that it turned most of my underwear brown. Very concerning (both because I didn't want shit in my pants and also because I forgot about basic anatomy).

[butterscotch-goat]

Live laugh love Sushi Soucy (lyrics from "Missing Hell")

(A LOT of OC rambles + bonus doodles below the cut!) (no pressure to read all of it, I talk a LOT. Like a ridiculous amount, I didn't mean to talk that much)

(OCs in order of appearance: Charles - he/him, Aster - she/they)

👏. The Manor trio in late 1891. RRRAUUUUGHHHHHH

(tw medical malpractice, emotional manipulation, implied physical manipulation, brief descriptions of depression) sorry this is very rambly

so this is right after Aster's awake-vivisection and after she got "betrayed" by Beatrice- that Big Meanie Thing I mentioned that Bea was manipulated into doing, might as well finally elaborate on it. It's nothing special fhdhhdhd but uh Aster finally had the guts to say no, she doesn't want her blood to be drawn today. She's tired and exhausted and weak and she just doesn't want to. And of course Bea is like "yeah that's fine 👍 we can wait til ur ready!" But Charles does NOT want to delay their tests and experiments(that being mostly injecting various animals with magic essence and seeing how it affects them/using it to combine them with other life forms). So!! He pulls Bea aside and is like "hey Beatrice you're,, Friends with Aster right?" And Bea looks at him like "..yeah?" And he goes "cool cool cool do me a favor and like. Trick her? And get blood from her with force?" And OBVIOUSLY Beatrice is like "NO!!!!???? have you gone MENTAL??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" and Charles explains that it's the most efficient way, since Aster would let Beatrice closer to her than she would Charles, but if Beatrice refuses, Charles will do it himself, and Bea doesn't trust Charles to be careful with Aster. I mean duh the other day he was operating on her with no anesthesia so it's a reasonable assumption. Plus, despite everything, Beatrice still loves Charles so very much, and it's still difficult for her to deny him. So after a very very long discussion/argument, Beatrice feels like she has no choice but to go through with it. Regrettably!! Beatrice talks to Aster like nothing is happening, and in the middle of their conversation she gently takes Aster's hand and kisses it as she unbuttons the cuffs. I won't describe how the rest went down but it's gonna be ugly!! It's horrible!! Beatrice is as kind and gentle as she can be and Aster is fighting for her life. At one point Aster just gives up. She feels like an idiot for ever trusting Beatrice. Aster is left on the floor against the wall, one unbuttoned sleeve rolled up, and as Beatrice tries to explain/apolgize/comfort Aster after the fact, Aster punches her in the nose with all the strength she can muster(not much). So Bea leaves with her case of vials filled with fresh blood.

Beatrice is completely broken, she feels horrible and like there's nothing she can do to make anything better, and the only person she has to go to is Charles. The same man who put her in that whole mess is the one who has to comfort her, holding her and petting her hair as she sobs into his shoulder. With nothing else to do, Beatrice continues with the experiments and tests and plans.

Aster doesn't leave her room for the rest of the day. Or the next day. Beatrice knocks on Aster's door once in the evening to no response. The next day, Beatrice leaves Aster a tray of food and water. It's gone the next day, which reassures her a little. This becomes routine; Beatrice leaves meals for Aster, notifying her with a knock on the door. No one sees Aster for days, weeks. After 3 weeks, they're out of blood samples again. Charles (without Beatrice's knowledge) takes a chance and enters Aster's room. It's gross and smelly, piles of half-eaten meals on a nightstand, Aster rotting in her bed, hiding under her comforters, definitely unshowered. He gets a blood sample from her, Aster not even trying to fight it (see where that got her last time.) She doesn't do anything, really. The most that she does is flinch, wince, and glare at Charles. While he's there, Charles replaces Aster's bandages because she definitely hasn't had the drive to replace them herself. This too, becomes routine, against Beatrice's wishes. Charles visits Aster every day, replacing her bandages, making sure she eats and drinks and gets up to use her muscles, etc. Even though Aster hates Charles more than anything, it's easier for her to face him because she knows what to expect. She knows he's not gentle or kind and gets frustrated easily, but she feels like she doesn't know Beatrice at all anymore.

THIS is what I LOVE to write. Charles somehow ending up as the one being there for both Aster and Beatrice, and he's thriving! And Bea just has to watch as the love of her life lets in the man who's hurt her the most, and refuses to see Beatrice herself. Ok I'll shut up now

[handoverthekawaii]

We Go Together | Homelander x You | Chapter 13

Taglist: @hom3landr

TW: This chapter includes discussion of medical experimentation conducted on a child.

The conversation with Auntie Em weighs heavily on your mind all morning. Although you feel terribly guilty that you made her so upset, at the end of the day you stand by what you told her. Taking this job, learning more about your dad, felt like something you HAD to do.

And even though the personnel file has proven less enlightening than you had hoped, that doesn’t mean you regret your actions… after all, this path led you to Homelander, didn’t it? You aren’t sure where that path leads from here but, somehow, meeting him makes all the challenges along the way feel worthwhile.

Speaking of Homelander, the man himself intercepts you at lunchtime and suggests spending your lunch break in Central Park rather than Vought’s sterile, impersonal break room. You agree immediately, eager to spend every moment with him that you can, and once you’ve grabbed your brown bag lunch from the fridge, the two of you are on your way.

A short flight later, you and Homelander have settled onto a wooden bench in the park’s secluded Ramble. He sits alongside you, one leg crossed over the other at the knee and an arm slung casually over the back of the bench.

“So how was your morning?” you ask as you begin to eat.

“Absolutely fucking ridiculous!” Homelander answers with an exaggerated roll of his eyes. “I had back-to-back meetings, but I could hardly pay attention thanks to the insane bullshit I could hear Deep spouting in the next room over.”

“What kind of insane bullshit?” you want to know.

Based on your recent interaction with The Deep, you suspect that he might have been bragging about his latest sexual conquests with the hottest ladies in the Tri-State Area. It turns out you are half-right.

“Apparently he fucked a dolphin last night,” says Homelander, making you promptly spit out your drink and begin laughing in awed disbelief.

“I-I’m sorry,” you sputter after a minute. “That was so gross, I’m so sorry.” But Homelander doesn’t seem to mind at all — in fact, he throws back his head and laughs, too, a big booming guffaw, and slaps a hand on his knee.

“I don’t even know whether you’re laughing at what you heard or my reaction to it,” you tease once you’ve both composed yourselves.

Homelander reaches over, placing his gloved fingers on the nape of your neck as he smiles broadly in response.

“Definitely your reaction,” he tells you. “Because, trust me, the shit he was describing was just… no.” [continued in AO3]

[terraliensvent]

Anyone remember the suggestion for adding a trigger warning for any drawings/depictions/pictures of bugs in the server? When Terraliens literally has an entire category for the bug subtype.

I still laugh about it to this day. It makes no sense compared any other harmful triggers like gore lol.

ive never been all too crazy about people who ask for extensive TWs on stuff, and ive also been really stringent about the use of TW vs CW

TW (Trigger Warning): understandable for things like gore, s/h, or things that could trigger someone (like egregious stuff you wouldnt see irl)

CW (Content Warning): things that arent really on the level of triggering someone, but it makes sense why you could censor it (horror, photorealistic bugs)

however i just think it can be excessive to censor stuff, like im not gonna censor food or things that you would encounter on a day to day basis, and i also make the argument that individuals are responsible for their OWN triggers. like, i dont think you should be posting gore and horror and gross medical stuff without warnings because thats not really something that you encounter regularly; BUT if someone is triggered by bugs then maybe they shouldnt put themselves in places where bugs are being discussed a lot. its not discrimination to say that if something triggers you, its on YOU to Avoid That Thing. granted, theres different circumstances if its on like an individual level, like its not unreasonable if you dont want your boyfriend talking about the centipede he saw at work, but asking whole communities to censor arguably harmless things is pretty ludicrous

its become really commonplace in online spaces to expect others to coddle to each individual scenario that could ever arise even though thats not how society works. (see: bean soup.) in the world we live in, sometimes you gotta deal with being uncomfortable. yeah, sometimes theres shit you cant avoid, sometimes the baby is gonna cry on the plane and you cant exactly tell the parent to take it somewhere else, just like how people are gonna talk about bugs sometimes and its on you to decide whether to suck it up or avoid the discussion.

(for an explanation on “bean soup,” basically someone on tiktok posted a recipe for a soup where the PRIMARY INGREDIENT was beans, and lots of people commented things like “what if there are people allergic to beans?” maybe then dont make the damn soup? this type of sentiment is echoed a lot with TWs and things of that nature in current day online circles)

[memeapple2]

Huggbees reacts to spiderman one more day starters part 1 (TW: Coma mention, shooting mention, familial death)

"So let's re-read it together so we can all be stupid!!"

"Apparently him fucking old fat women wasn't in the market."

"Bold to assume the dearest person in my life is a her...God bless you Danny Devito!"

"Let me see if I can make up some lines, I'll do it on the spot! What would you do if your cable went out and Batman called you fat? I'm not very good at this."

"He has one more day in his delectable bondage web outfit! I mean look it. It's constricting all the places you want, but still leaving room for the erogenous zones! "

"Tune your ear to the frequency of despair. By cross reference the longitude and latitude of a heart in agony. Listen, this is kmlfm giving you the biggest boner in the back seat of your Ford Bronco!"

"Who the fuck would think just shooting spiderman with a bullet would work?"

"___ probally had good insurance, beacuse they got ____hooked up the the pudding suction device immediately!"

*LOUD GROSS SUCKING SOUNDS*

"Careful ____ save some tapioca for the rest of the residents!"

"They're gonna die, beacuse you didn't check them in with any insurance you stupid new identity assuming fuck!"

"What the fuck!? Everyone knows Peter Parker is spiderman, how in the shit did a fake name work!? He's a God danm international celebrity! Yet not a single human being in this hospital recognized him, Expect this one doctor who has all the kindness in his heart even though he's is still a dickhead! Huh????"

"Not a single person in New York God danm city, wants to help aunt may and spiderman get a pot of flowers for her icu room! We're off to a great start!"

"'Everyone knows my face' says the man who used a fake name to check into a hospital in a major metropolitan area!"

"So they break into ____'s surveillance room where they're apparently nakedly bathing in red jello???"

"Thank fucking god it was a superhero that they hit! If it was a regular burglar or some kind of human, they would have torn their spine in half. Good going committing murder ____!"

"So the best way to take down a man in super high tech armor is to punch him! Punches him real hard!"

"But he punches the guy...Oh fuck!"

"Punch the iorn man! Punch him! Punch him real good!! Punch him good!! Punch him! Fuck you!!"

"So after Peter introduces Tony to the exciting thrills of hard-core bondage, they have a discussion!"

"Keep in mind there's no guarantee this will save her! Keep in mind she's already a brain dead vegetable! Keep in mind aunt may is 80 something years old and lived a full happy life!!!! NOPE! PAY MY FUCKING BILLS TONY!!"

"NOPE! TONY STARK THE MAN WITH MILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS, THE MAN WHO SNEEZES PROTOTYPE WEAPONS, CAN'T GIVE PETER THE MONEY FOR AUNT MAY'S MEDICAL BILLS!! BUT HE CAN LET AUNT MAY DIE A HORRIBLE OLD PERSON DEATH IN A HOSPITAL!"

"It's a fucking miracle! They're still brain dead! Crazy, I know!!"

"We need to be reminded of this 50 times so maybe you'll the the subtle message of this comic!"

"By the way here's all the money you need for all this horrible shit that happened!"

"You know your aunt who's over 80 years old, who was shot in the chest and is brain dead...WHAT YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW SHE'S DYING!?"

"Spiderman gets spiderpissed and decides nothing is gonna stop him from saving his aunt!!"

"If you want to read another comic this decade read this! Beacuse it's so bad you'll never want to read another comic again!"

"The good news is aunt may isn't in the charity ward anymore and has her own private room! The bad news is she's still fucking dying!"

"The art is so good, and I feel so bad, beacuse so far this is written by a fucking idiot! But god this art is so amazing!"

"So I get to look at something nice, while I question who the fuck thought this was a good idea?!"

"Dr. Strange's stupid magic is the only thing that's gonna help aunt may!"

"I was given magic abilities and a purpose, and this shit's important, and you don't fuck around with it!"

"I know if I had a bitter enemy who life I wanted to end, who constantly thwarted my plans, and he was my sworn nemesis, and he was like 'yo yo yo, time out, time out! Yeah, hey stop, woah! Time out, time out! My aunt's dying.' I would just put a halt to everything, I'd put an arm around his shoulder and I'd say, look man it's okay to express your feelings. Where's my check book!?"

"Let me get you something to drink! You want some Sunny D? Some apple juice? Maybe a diet coke? I drank all the regular. After all, traveling with your mind is stressful and the only way to sooth it, is the cool refreshing taste of mountain dew code red!"

"He tried to punch the guy who shot her in the brain, but he's a ghost! So that doesn't work!"

"Spiderman you're too hard on yourself! You need to respect yourself man! You need to give yourselfa break! Come on, positive thinking!"

"That's fucking stupid! Imagine you're watching a marvel movie, and you're watching Iornman 2.5 the legend of Tony's toenails! Tony stark is in iornman, and he's about to punch the hulk and he goes, 'And now for the for the reason I'm punching you and we're enemies'; and the movie cuts to black, and they're hanging out, and there's a little subtitle that goes 'watch The Incredible Hulk's amazing Sunday to find out what happened!' BULLSHIT!"

"People die when they're killed!"

"What you should do is stop being a fucking idiot, stop being a whiney desperate teenage baby!"

"Go to your aunt, tell her you love her, and give her a big old kiss! Beacuse she can probably still hear you in her comatose state. In her comatose stupid body, she probably embarrassed as fuck you're having a temper tantrum! That her brittle old skeleton is gonna be dust in the wind soon! So get some ice cream, and have a nice treat, while she fades into the ether realm. Go hang out with her! Okay?"

"Then we get to a cover art with spiderman's deadliest foes! A little girl, Cyclops with depression, and Jay Joanna Jamieson if he wanted to go to a fancy tea party!"

"It's not safe to go down that alley way! Beacuse it has a nerd in it!!"

"That's why I play video games! Beacuse I look at the world and go, UGH! What wasted potential, earth! Fuck you people! Now, Mario, he's got it all figured out! Mario's on a different dimension!"

"He's like a mini devil, he rules pocket hell, he fucks with people and it's funny!"

"Beacuse I'm the fucking devil and I can do what I want!"

"If you had a demonic fetish we could have just played Doom eternal together!"

"I like to dwell in misery and pain! I like to make exchanges that hurt people, beacuse it's great! It's yummy!"

"Hey mafisto! You can take my fisto into your anus!!"

"That yummy yummy suffering of your soul, is what I'm gonna snack on for the next trillion years!"

"Spiderman man wakes up in his spider suit. I guess they're his spiderman pajamas?? God danm, they make him look ripped! I need a pair!"

[luukeskywalker]

hey! it's okay if you don't want to answer, but how's it going after top surgery???? have you healed well? did it help? :)

oh hi i don't mind at all!!! here's a blanket tw in advance for discussion of surgery and a little bit of gross medical stuff!

it's been over a year now since my surgery and tbh it's been going really really well! i was actually thinking about this the other day, i know a lot of people have mentioned lately that it's completely normal to be uncomfortable, anxious, or even depressed about your results right after seeing them for the first time (and i understand why! it is a surgery, your body is experiencing a traumatic kind of event even if it's something it desperately needs!) but i never felt that way about my results. i was ecstatic from the first time i saw my scars and my frankenstein nipples to now, with my faded scars and healed up nipples. and for the record, not keeping your nipples does mean a less vigorous recovery process (as you don't have to have them cut off + sewn back on) but i thought it was worth it for myself!

i actually took really good care of my body as i was healing for those first ~5 months or so, but tbh the most work i had to do was for my nipples. they were kind of freaky to look at i will admit! but i thought it was fun, i mean i couldn't even feel them at all so i wasn't really scared. i had to apply a lot of moisturizer to them and wear bandages over them for months to make sure they healed correctly - meanwhile for my scars, once they'd healed up i massaged them every day for about 5 minutes at a time, i took to listening to a podcast while massaging them to pass the time LOL. massaging your scars helps break down the scar tissue and keeps them, um, softer i guess? if you want less noticeable scars then i recommend doing a lot of massaging. i did enough that my scars are still plenty noticeable but still relatively thin! when i visited my surgeon for my 1 year post op he was shocked at how nice my scars had looked! i could probably start massaging them again if i wanted to, it's not as if it'll be quite as effective now a year and a half later, but it's also just nice to get acquainted with my little guys now and again :3

i think the scariest parts of the immediate recovery were the drains and the compression vest. the drains lasted a week and i actually healed really quickly so i never had a lot of drainage in the first place, but it was scary having little tubes coming out of you! they didn't hurt at all but i was always so afraid of snagging them on something LMAO. the drain removal was terrifying but it lasted literally seconds and it didn't hurt at all. it felt like spaghetti coming out of my sides?? but like not painful?? idk it was weird. the compression vest i had to wear for like a month to keep the swelling down and even though i didn't like wearing it that much, i always felt extremely anxious when i didn't have it on. i ended up buying another one because the one i had gotten before my surgery kind of sucked, the second one i got (from marena!) was really great, gave me the perfect amount of compression, and wasn't really uncomfortable to wear. and i wore a LOT of button ups, i was so afraid for the longest time to lift my hands above my head for any reason hahaha

anyways that's what i remember from the very beginning of my recovery, nowadays i don't really have any necessary healing tasks but my scars will continue to heal and fade even now! i think it's like ~3 years or so of healing? but my own part in it is largely over, it's just my body now 🥰 i don't regret it even for a second, i'm happy with my results and feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror, in fact i still spend a lot of time looking at my scars HAHA i just think they're so cool!!

as for sensation, my chest still has dulled feeling in a few places (mostly near the nipples) but i can actually feel most of everything on my scars, which is something i hadn't expected. but potentially losing feeling there wasn't really something i cared about too much. i didn't like the sensation i got in my chest before top surgery, and losing that was honestly kind of a relief?? but what i have now i'm comfortable with. i think it's funny when like i can feel a shirt brush against my nipples i always stop for a second and go AYO YOU WOKE UP??? - and since my body is still healing, there's a chance i will get more sensation in my chest over time.

i still get dysphoria over other aspects of myself but tbh the biggest problem i had is now gone and i feel so much happier. 2022 was a complete shit show of a year for me but even in my worst moments, being able to touch my scars and realize i'd Done That was enough to cheer me up. i think it's a very big decision and one you shouldn't make lightly, as it costs a lot of money and takes a lot of work in recovery, but it's absolutely something worth looking into if you're interested. sorry for the long response!! it's funny that you asked though because i have been kind of sentimental about my surgery lately!!

[jeraliey]

Fooding experiments!

(TW: Discussion of food and nutrition)

So I took a CME course on nutrition from the American College of Lifestyle Medicine, and I liked some of the ideas for eating slightly healthier, so I'm a-gonna try some! It's basically going to be eat-less-animal-product-and-more-plant-product stuff.

(Note/disclaimers: I am a big non-fan of orthorexia; I have the same mistrust-to-scorn for the dieting-and-extremist-yoga-juicing-guru industry as I do for anti-vaxxers. The healthier and least sin-and-virtue-oriented a person's relationship to food is, the better. Also note: I have the privilege of never having had to worry about weight or body image issues, so use appropriate grains of salt. My decisions are only right for me for who I am as a person. Also note: I am a medical professional.)

Anyway, I decided to add some new food items to my repertoire! Some will be additions, and some I'm going to see if they work as substitutions.

-I've had tofu and tempeh before (not something that I preference when ordering, but also not anything that grossed me out). But I never learned how to cook them, so I never bought them for my fridge. I decided I didn't want to mess with the whole press-your-tofu situation, so I got some silken tofu to put in my smoothies instead-of-or-in-addition-to-yogurt (I'll report back if I like it), and some tempeh to use as a meal protein. Also got some cornstarch because apparently that makes these things crispy when you fry them.

-Got some dried-seaweed snacks and edamame for snacking. These are things I already know I like.

-Got some pre-made seaweed salad. I think I've had it before, and I remember liking the texture even though it's not one of my normal expected food-textures. I'll probably make some sesame-ginger marinated tempeh and have those for dinner sometime, I think that should work.

-I bought oat milk. Never bought a non-dairy milk before. Anyway, I'm gonna see if I like it in my tea instead of half-and-half. I got the "extra-creamy" version. I suspect I'll eventually go back to half-and-half (though I've never tried oat milk before so who knows!), but let's see what happens.

-Got some mixed greens for salads, even though I've been trying to eat more salads for years and usually the greens end up wilting uneaten in my fridge. I suspect this pattern will not change anytime soon, but I'm going to continue giving myself the opportunity.

-I got some pre-made tuna salad for sandwiches. Maybe some of the greens will make it onto those too.....

-I also re-upped my requisite ice cream and oreos and bought a pre-made pound cake. And the pre-made curry chicken salad looked good too, so I got some of that even though the overall goal is to reduce the amount of chicken and beef and stuff that I usually eat. Because reduction is not the same thing as elimination.

-I also got some ricotta cheese, because my zucchini plant in my garden is making squash blossoms, and I hear they taste good stuffed and fried. Planning to chop up some parsley and maybe oregano from my garden, make a ricotta stuffing, and fry them up as they arrive. I'm trying to make sure this zucchini plant survives long enough to make female flowers (unlike multiple previous attempts) so I can actually grow zucchini, but even if it doesn't....at least I'll get something out of it this time. -I was actually surprised that buying all of these snooty plant-foods as additions to my usual grocery list actually cost around the same as a normal grocery store visit. And that's even with buying a few new multi-use items like pre-made marinades (for the tempeh). Was not expecting that.

Anyway, let's see how it goes!

[80pairsofcrocs]

baby scarab || 28

@sajinwrld - bro casper better return a smooch to the reader, she's doin all the work cmon/hj

anon - you know, some day i just want casper to be so done with y/n always catching him off gaurd and kissing him that he decides to make a move to shut her smug ass up lmao

~~~

@night-writer-writer - Ok so marshmallows have existed since ancient Egypt. So I’m picturing the reader discovering this, offering khonshu a marshmallow, he pretends he thinks it’s gross, but the reader at some point leaves the bag out and like does something… then they come back to find the whole bag eaten. 😂 I just think that would be funny…

~~~

A/N : LETS GO a lot of requests in ONE.

masterlist - marvel masterlist - series masterlist

A/N : *sighs* young love

please enjoy, and don't be shy if you want to be in the taglist, just ask <3, sorry for the long wait

playlist

pairings : steven grant x (platonic)reader, marc spector x (platonic) reader, khonshu x (platonic)reader, jake lockley x (platonic)reader

TW : medicine (pills), language, spidey stuff, suggestive(???), stevens a mom, mentions of violence. let me know if i missed anything

~~~

you felt like shit.

why would you do that? why’d you leave like that? 

it’s already been two days since that morning, and you’ve only gone over for dinner when steven asked.

you don’t know why you don’t just stay anymore.

well, that’s a lie. you know why.

but it’s your own fault that you get too into your head about things, and now your already screwed up mind is just making matters worse.

as where marc’s thoughts were also heard by steven and jake most of the time, who could help him sort it out.

you felt like you were going to lose the guys somehow.

marc told you that he thought you didn’t like him. but you could never. not even if you tried.

you were already losing him, and it was only a matter of time until you lost jake and steven too.

you were getting ready for work, in your own silence.

you took your medication, with water of course, since it was marc that made you get used to not taking them dry too much anymore.

sighing, you leave the bathroom, all dressed for work and grab your bag off the couch, then slipping on your shoes and unlocking the door.

you make sure to lock your door extra tight before walking and stepping into the elevator.

you press the button and it feels like the elevator is going down slower than usual. it’s probably just you though since you’re alone.

you now realize why you were so miserable all the time before meeting the guys.

you’d do this every day for years without a single person to talk to you.

you were lonely back then, no parents, no friends, no nobody.

plus you felt even worse about your parents ever since the incident.

all your life you’ve hated your mother, because you assumed along with everybody that she just gave birth to you and left you to die, same with your father.

now you regret ever hating her. she died protecting you.

and if she would die to protect you- a newborn baby, then you could only imagine what marc, steven, and jake would do.

they would in fact take a bullet for you- granted that khonshus healing armor prevents them from getting hurt- it’s still a big deal to you.

you’d do the same to be honest, armor or not.

you wanted to protect them too in a way, to keep them from getting too hurt.

that’s why marc was scared.

he knew about your hero complex ever since the spider bite, and all you wanted to do was help them.

he also happened to discuss it with steven and jake, that conversation not ending well.

they all had different points of view- marc didn’t want you going out and fighting crime at all.

he thought it was way too dangerous, and that you’re only a kid, you have other things to worry about, so leave the crime fighting to moon knight.

jake was all for you crime fighting, like the silently obnoxious person he is. he used to get high off of being the ‘protector of the night’, and just wanted the best for you.

and even if that meant you going out with them to stop criminals? so be it.

you have a gift, he would say, and that just fueled you more.

now steven was still a bit wishy washy about it, yes he doesn’t want you getting hurt, but he’s he also thinks that there is a reason you got these abilities.

he believed that you could do what you want- just with a few ground rules.

he truly saw both sides, and agreed with both marc and jake to some level.

you get off the elevator and walk quickly out of the building, just speed walking down the sidewalk.

you pass by many people, chatting happily with whoever they are with, or just content walking alone.

you were jealous, to put it simply.

for some weird reason you missed marc’s clinginess, even though it was a bit much.

you roll your shoulders back as you open the door, the bell ringing as you step in, sending a quick wave and a tight lipped smile to your boss.

“how’s your morning, y/n?” natalie asks you as you set your bag down under the counter.

“good so far” you lie, natalie not catching it and walking into the back room.

‘todays going to be a long day..’

~~~

and it was. you got out of work at almost 5, and you were starving.

you couldn’t wait to just lay on your couch and cry while eating pop tarts.

you lock the door after the last customers leave, and slide the key in through the mail slot.

walking down the sidewalk, your ears ring again, and you look behind you to see a familiar face behind you.

“peter parker?” you ask, testing to see if you remembered his name right.

“yep, that’s me” he says, and you notice he’s just in regular clothes now. 

he was wearing a star wars shirt and a dark blue flannel, with just plain black jeans.

“how’d you find me again?” you ask, letting him catch up to walk beside you.

“edith told me where you were” he nods, and you just now notice the geometric glasses he had on, a light blue tint to the lenses.

“…that’s creepy” you mutter, readjusting your bag on your shoulder.

“nonono, it’s not like that, i just wanted to continue our conversation” he defends himself and you nod.

“go on, then” you say and he takes a breath.

“so i was thinking, i could help you better understand your powers, and give you a really good web fluid recipe-“

“web fluid?” you ask, earning a surprised look from peter.

“wait- does it come out of you?” he asks and you cringe.

“don’t say it like that, but yes” you pause, “i’m guessing you can’t?” you ask and peter nods.

“okay, so i’m sure you’ve got that handled” he mutters and you nod, approaching the apartment complex.

“when can we start this.. teaching thing?” you ask and peter hums in thought.

“can you meet me on the roof at 10?” he asks and you nod with a smile, stopping by the doors to the apartments.

“i’ll see you then, young padawan” 

“see you then” you smile, and he smiles back, walking forward to continue where he was going.

you walk to the elevator while the smile on your face slowly fades.

you click your floors button and  patiently wait to get to your floor, and when it does you sigh and slowly step out.

as soon as you unlock your door, you hear a clatter from inside, so you close the door as silent as you can and make your way to the source.

that source being casper.

“what the fuck” you mutter, making casper turn around.

“oh shit- sorry” he apologizes.

“how’d you get in?” you ask suspiciously.

he simply holds up a bobby pin, presumably from allison.

“i’m sorry, i just wanted to surprise you with something” he says and you nod.

“you didn’t have to” you start.

“oh it’s no trouble” he tells you while he walks over to your fridge.

you make a face and casper goes to open your fridge, while he pulls something out of it.

“now, this was difficult to make because you desperately need to go to the store” he tells you, and you chuckle, tossing your bag onto the couch so that you could pay better attention to casper.

“but, i think it turned out fairly well.” he says, putting the plate down on the counter so that you could see it properly.

it was a small cake, red frosting coating the outside of it, while well drawn spiders are all over it in black.

you don’t say anything, you just smile. “yeah, i know it’s dumb but-“

“shh, it’s not dumb” you interrupt, making casper turn to you.

“it’s cute” you chuckle at casper’s now red face.

“thank you” you say more sincerely, making casper look to you with a grin.

“it’s no problem” he responds, and you round the counter to grab two forks from one of your drawers.

you poke casper in the ribs with one, before setting it down for him, while he glares at you.

you just smirk and stab your fork into the cake, then bringing it to your lips to take a bite.

it was surprisingly good. your face lit up and casper noticed, and also took a bite of the cake.

“not to be egotistical, but this is amazing” he says, and you smile.

“who taught you to cook so well?” you ask, and casper takes a second to think.

“mom did. allison too, she’s a very good cook for a little girl” he responds and you nod.

“so other than this-“ you gesture to the cake. “what’s the real reason you broke into my apartment?” you question and you sense casper tense up.

“my dads home today, and allison and mom are staying with my grandma right now” he answers and you frown.

“why don’t you like being with your dad?” you blurt out, immediately taking it back.

“i’m sorry- you don’t have to answer that-“

“he’s just distant- that’s all.” casper pauses. “i just don’t know him too well and whenever we talk he tells me everything i’m doing wrong” he elaborates and you furrow your brows.

“really?” you ask quietly and he nods.

“that’s bullshit” you say, taking another bite of cake.

“what do you mean?” casper does the same.

“i mean, that i don’t see a single thing wrong with you” you start. “i hardly believe you do anything wrong either” you admit, and casper just stares at you.

“plus you’re cute, so that’s a bonus” you add on, casper turning away from you red faced.

you chuckle, putting your fork down. “don’t be like that, it’s a compliment” you whine, casper turning back around.

you feel like pressing his buttons right about now so you take a couple steps closer, similar to how you were when jake had caught you.

“do you have to compliment me?” casper complains, making sure to not take his eyes away from yours.

“yes. i do” you say bluntly, tilting your head.

casper doesn’t say anything but you feel his breath pick up, which makes you give him that smug smirk.

“why wouldn’t i compliment you?” you start, moving your hand to his, rubbing your thumb on it in circles.

“there’s nothing-“

“oh there’s plenty” you pull away from him suddenly, and you fail to see him gaping at you.

to sum up what is going on in casper’s head right now; he is frustrated.

you keep luring him in like this, then leaving him high and dry every damn time.

frankly he’s had just about enough of it.

of you making him feel like he does- where his heart feels like it’s going to beat right out of his chest.

all the times you’ve kissed him, not on the mouth to be exact, he’s so badly just wanted to do the same, but he just can’t gain the confidence to.

“hey, are you done with this-“ you’re interrupted by casper reaching out and reconnecting your hands.

you point to the discarded forks, while he leans closer until you’re face to face again.

“you done with those?” you ask, your voice cracking at the end of your sentence.

he nods, not taking his eyes off you.

casper notices the way your breath hitched when his eyes flicked to your lips.

“not fun when you’re the flustered one, is it?” he asks rhetorically.

you shake your head. “i’m not-“ 

“don’t deny it, you’re embarrassing yourself” it’s casper’s turn to send a smirk your way, and this time you’re having the same reaction he does.

“who’s red faced now?” he asks again, unaware that he looks the same.

“still you” you answer, and you two slowly instinctively start leaning even closer.

“are you sure?” he asks skeptically, and when you nod you can’t stop yourself from moving one arm up and over his shoulder.

“i’m sure” you confirm and he just nods.

“oh” he whispers, and you feel your noses touch gently, getting a serious sense of deja vu again.

“yeah, ‘oh’” you repeat, one of casper’s hands moving up to brush a stray piece of hair off your face and behind your ear, the other hand being busy holding yours, resting on the counter.

the hand that was brushing your hair away now resting on your cheek.

nothing else is said, while your furrow your brows as you feel both yours and casper’s breathing quicken.

“don’t get shy now” you suddenly say and you feel casper tense up before he guides the hand on your cheek to the back of your head, finally closing the gap between you.

you let out a surprised gasp when you felt his lips on yours, but quickly got over it as you close your eyes, the arm over casper’s shoulder bending so that you could bring your hand forward to hold his face in your hand.

you separate to take a quick breath before reattaching, deepening the kiss from what it was before.

your hands that were being held by one another now holding the other in some way, and that being your hand grasping onto his shoulder, and casper’s other hand around your waist, pulling you close to him.

the both of you stayed like that for a while, only pulling back to catch your breath.

you pulled away for the last time, casper and you in some sort of staring contest.

“what just happened?” the two of you say in unison, making you both chuckle, still not breaking eye contact.

“i don’t know, but you seemed to enjoy it” casper says and you look away from him, making him chuckle again.

“how the tables have turned” he jokes and you look back to him.

“now what?” you ask. “you wanna watch f/s?” you ask again and casper nods.

“sure” he smile and you both abandon the cake to go watch your favorite show.

~~~

you and casper decided not to talk about the whole kiss thing.

you figured that you’d talk about it when you two were less tired.

because now, he’s asleep anyways and has been for about ten minutes.

you ended up covering him with the blanket you had hanging over the edge of the couch, and leaving to the kitchen to put away the cake and the forks.

khonshu was already perched on one of your counters when you got in the kitchen, so you look back to make sure casper was asleep before speaking in a hushed voice.

“what do you want?” you ask, opening your fridge to put the cake in it.

“i saw that” is all he says and you make a face at him.

“saw what-“ you realize that khonshu saw you and casper earlier today.

“and i told the worm” he says and you scoff, rubbing your hands over your eyes.

“oh my god are you serious?” you ask, your voice a pitch higher than usual.

khonshu nods and you groan as quietly as you can, glaring at the dumb bird.

“why? what could you possibly get from telling them?” you grit out, darting your eyes to casper to make sure he doesn’t wake up.

khonshu shrugs. “it would get you to talk to them” his answer shocked you.

“what?”

“you heard me, spider child” he starts. “spector and lockley are cranky, and the worm is being a cry baby because you won’t tell them what’s wrong” he explains and you sigh.

“i’ll make it up to them” you say. “i’m just.. i’m an idiot” you mutter, khonshu shaking his head.

“they’re just trying to figure out what they did wrong”

“they didn’t do anything” you pause. “i did. i distanced myself because i kept thinking i would lose them” you admit, and khonshu hums.

“then just tell them that, they’ll understand” he says simply and you scoff.

“what if they don’t?”

“i’ll make them”

“wow, real comforting” you reach into a cabinet for your marshmallows.

“want one?” you ask, holding one out for big bird.

he just scoffs. “i will not waste my time trying your pathetic mortal food” he says and you roll your eyes.

“coulda just said no” you mumble, and khonshu disappears.

you sigh and look at the time, and seeing that it’s five minutes until ten, which is when you’re meeting peter on the roof.

you look over to casper who was peacefully sleeping on your couch, and you feel yourself smile.

making your way to the window in your living room, you can sense someone on the roof, that probably being peter.

sending one last look to casper, you climb up the wall to get up to the roof.

there, you see peter leaning against one of the big vents, in his spider suit minus the mask.

he notices you’ve arrived, and stands up to walk towards you with a smile.

“i honestly didn’t expect you to come” he says and you tilt your head.

“really? i mean you’re offering to help me- plus you’re a superhero in america” you defend him, and he shrugs.

“yeah, but i felt like a creep” he admits and you hum.

“well, you’re not” you say bluntly, which makes him smile.

“anyways, what are we going to do?” you ask and peter nods before speaking.

“today we’re going to be working on your tingle” he says.

“don’t say tingle” you cringe and he laughs.

“sorry- so what i’m thinking is that you’re going to keep your eyes closed while i throw stuff at you basically” he tells you and you raise an eyebrow.

“really?”

“really”

~~~

and that’s exactly what you did.

for like an hour too, it was already almost 11.

you also kept opening your eyes, which you denied when peter caught you.

it also made him have to wrap a piece of fabric around your eyes to make sure you stopped cheating.

you did improve though, your spidey senses now worked about 80% of the time now instead of 50% according to peter.

he was a nerd to be frank. 

you could tell by the bag he brought, having pins on it that were charms of star wars characters along with a tiny lightsaber keychain.

the two of you were now sitting on top of one of the vents, you taking deep breaths as you were just catching and dodging items you couldn’t see.

“you did great” peter tells you, and you look to him in surprise.

“are you sure, i got hit a lot” you respond, remembering how many times an eraser or two from peters bag had hit you in the back of the head.

not too hard, of course. peter wasn’t here to hurt you.

“are you kidding? i couldn’t do that good even almost half a year since the spider bite” he says and you let out a breath.

“well it’s because you had to teach yourself” you start. “i’m lucky that you went out of your way to find me and help me” you finish, and peter looks at you with a solemn smile.

“that’s not completely true, i had a mentor for a while” he voices and you tilt your head.

“iron man i’m guessing. i saw the news when you destroyed the bridge” you nod to yourself and see peter wince.

“i didn’t mean to destroy the bridge. it wasn’t my fault” he defends himself.

“oh i know, i’m just connecting the dots” you start. “so are you going to be the next iron man?” you ask, and peter shakes his head.

“i just want to be the friendly neighborhood spider man” he confesses and you smile.

you two sit there in a comfortable silence until peter speaks up again.

“he was really all i had, other than my aunt until she.. she passed” he says slowly and you look at him with pity.

“i’m sorry for your loss” you say a bit uncomfortably.

“they were what kept me going, and now..” he trails off, not knowing what to say.

“what i’m trying to say is, you can’t take people close to you for granted” he advises and you nod.

“even if you’re scared that they’re in danger, or even if you have a fight, you have to stay with them.” he pauses. “talk to them, they’ll understand” he finishes and you take in a shaky breath.

that last sentence felt all too familiar to when you were talking with khonshu.

“you look tired, you should get back inside” peter says quietly and you nod.

“thank you” you say genuinely and you exchange smiles before you start to climb back down the wall.

you swing in through your open window, seeing casper still asleep with his arms wrapped around one of your throw pillows.

you smile and lock the window, closing your curtains and going to the kitchen for some water when you realized that you left your marshmallows out.

you were confused to see all the marshmallows gone and the bag ripped up on the floor.

it looked like it was torn open by a sharp object, and it couldn’t have been casper, he’s been asleep.

that stupid bird.

you come to the quick realization that khonshu must have come back and eaten all your pathetic mortal food.

you scoff and pick up the bag, throwing it away after to get a bottle of water out of the fridge.

unscrewing the cap, you pull your phone out of one of your zipper pockets, and looking up when marshmallows were created.

google read that they were created around 2000 bc, and were special so they were reserved for royalty and gods.

that stupid pigeon must have eaten them all the time in his youth.

you shake your head and chuckle before sipping your water, then screwing the lid back on and kicking to sit on the couch in the empty space that casper isn’t taking up.

“..y/n?” you hear a groggy voice say, and you dart your head to casper, who was slowly sitting up.

“yeah, is something wrong?” you respond quietly, moving so that casper could sit next to you properly.

“no, but why aren’t you asleep?” he asks and you purse your lips.

“just not tired” you say quickly and he gives you a look.

“are you sure?” he starts. “you feeling okay?” he asks again and you nod.

“i’m good, i just.. have trouble sleeping sometimes” you wave him off and continue. “i actually feel pretty tired now” you admit.

“are you sure you’re okay?” casper asks, noticing that you’re hesitant to leave.

“yeah it’s just that.. i’m not used to sleeping alone anymore” you take a shaky breath. “and it’s just that you’re here and-“

casper interrupts you by pulling you into him, you having to stabilize yourself by putting your hands on his chest.

he slowly leans back until you’re practically laying on top of him, almost identical to how you would usually sleep with steven, marc, and jake.

you felt your face heat up as casper lightly ran a finger up and down your back, and it was also weirdly calming.

“is this okay?” he asks quietly.

“yeah” you respond, leaning further into him, and feeling him smile.

“night, y/n. try and get some sleep, alright?” casper tells you, and you nod, finally closing your eyes and focusing on his calming heartbeat.

not a bad way to spend the night.

~~~

you woke up in the same position that you were in last night when you fell asleep.

you felt casper playing with your hair, signaling that he was awake.

you slowly position your head so that you were looking up at him, while he looked down at you with tired eyes.

“i forgot to take my medication last night” you mutter, and casper chuckles.

“isn’t it time to take your morning one?” he asks and you turn around to face the clock on your wall, reading that it is in fact time for your morning one.

you groan and push yourself up off of casper to go into the bathroom to quickly take it, then come back out to see casper leaning against one of your kitchen counters.

“you hungry?” you ask him and he shakes his head, holding a hand out.

“i actually have a question for you” he says nervously.

you nod at him to continue, stepping closer to him.

“would you.. would you want to.. maybe grab a coffee with me? my treat” he finishes quickly and you smile.

“yeah. sure” you keep nodding, and you see that your answer relived him.

“cool, uhm..”

“i’ll go grab my jacket” you say, and he nods, while you go and get your jacket from your room.

once you’re back, you slip your shoes on and you’re both ready to go.

you two slip out of your apartment, your gaze staying on a certain door as you walk past it.

the ride down the elevator and walk to the cafe was short and sweet.

you did feel yours and casper’s hands brush together a couple times though.

you were already sat down, one of the new baristas already making your coffee.

casper was messing with his fingers on the table, obviously nervous about something.

“what’s got you so fidgety?” you ask.

casper looks up at you and takes a breath before speaking. “to be completely honest i wanted to apologize” he starts and you get confused.

“for.. for kissing you” he says in a hushed voice and you smile at him for comfort.

“you don’t have to-“

“yes i do” he argues, and you just decide to let him speak.

“i didn’t give you time to push me away if you didn’t want it and i feel like i forced you to do it” he stammers over his words and you begin to feel bad for him.

“casper, listen” you say, taking one of his hands in yours from across the table. “if i didn’t like it i would’ve done something.” you pause.

“you didn’t force me to do anything, so stop apologizing” you say, and the barista sets down your coffees.

you take your hand away from casper’s and lift up your coffee cup to take a sip.

“besides, i quite liked it” you say, and you see casper look away from you.

you laugh and continue to drink your coffee, casper doing the same.

~~~

it was a nice time with casper, for a first ‘not date’ as he would call it, claiming he’d want to take you on a real one someday.

he completely blurted that out too, surprising you.

you were now at the store, casper having left you at the entrance since he had to go home.

you didn’t let him leave without a quick peck to his cheek though.

you were looking through a certain aisle, until you came across exactly what you wanted.

you smile to yourself before taking it, and leaving for the register.

~~~

you had everything that you needed, and you were standing in front of marc, steven, and jakes door.

you raised a hand up to knock, when you hear the door unlock right before you do, and you see steven right as he opens the door.

he looks at you confused and you stare right back.

“i come bearing forgiveness” you say dramatically.

he just sighs and gives you a small smile.

“you don’t- do you want to come in?” he changes what he was going to say as you smile back and nod.

he shuts and locks the door when you shuffle in, noticing that their flat has become a bit of a mess.

“why are you asking for forgiveness?” he asks as he turns around.

“i just.. i’m sorry for pushing you guys away.” you start, and a look of surprise washes over steven’s face.

“someone told me that i can’t take people i care about for granted.. and that’s what i did” you pause.

“to be honest i think you guys need me as much as i need you- and i can’t just- i don’t want to-“

you’re cut off by steven hugging you, which startled you at first.

you wrap your arms around him almost instantly, the bag in your hand swaying back and forth.

“marc misses you- we all do” steven says, pulling out of the hug.

you smile up at him and unwrap your arms from around him.

“tell marc that i misses him too”

“marc can hear you” you hear marc’s voice, looking to the window and seeing him look at you.

“well, it’s almost lunch time, did you eat today?” stevens motherly instincts kick in and you chuckle.

“well- no but i had a coffee”

“with casper i’m guessing?” jake cuts in and you nod.

“well it would only make sense after you were french kissing him” marc says and you scoff.

“dude our tongues literally didn’t touch” you inform all three of them, not wanting to talk about it.

“whatever, now stevens goin’ to make you lunch and you’re going to enjoy it” marc tells you and you nod, happy to be back to how it was.

“knowing that stevens cooking, i know i’ll enjoy it” you smile, steven moving to the kitchen.

“aw, my heart” he says, putting both his hands together over his chest.

you just smile and make some small talk with the guys after putting the bag on the couch.

it was a great lunch, and a great reunion.

you were back together with your family. 

you had explained everything over lunch, and like everyone had said, they understood.

they just made you promise to talk to them if you ever needed to.

or to just vent.

it was a nice day after that, well, a good day all together.

you were surrounded by people who loved you and cared for you and wanted to help you.

and you wouldn’t ask for anything more.

you wouldn’t trade this for anything.

never ever.

~~~

A/N : the ending is rushed but here :) see you in two days, hope you like it <3

taglist ---

@alexloveskili @ihatemyselfmorethanmydepression @thebiggestsimpshrimp @guyinachair27 @astrobuzzsstuff @mooonlight-and-stars @moonlighting87 @mateihavenoidea @inactive-things @alondrashultz @femalemarvelself @queenthorin1 @haileymorelikestupid @jvdethirlwall @justtiredandvibing @winterfrostsarmy @themapoftinyperfectthings @littlebird101 @atzlena @httpslinow @arrowurboat @m-brekker @lifeandbandmembers-blog @adamcarlsenslvr @violet-19999 @seninjakitey @bestgirlpip @panic-in-the-multiverse @in-between-the-cafes @branolagar @bl6o6dy @annoyingmarvelreader @bee-a-cool-kid @buzzitsbeee @wintergirlsoilder2 @crow-carcass @you-bloody-shank @distinguishedmakerpandapatrol @magnificentcreatorpenguin @50shadesofcrocs @rayrlupin @kingshitonly @brekkers-desigirl @hutaos-gh0st @kayane28

[majachee]

Anyways continuing with the discussion of fandom ableism because someone NEEDS to talk about it ig

(TW: discussions of trauma/childhood trauma, torture porn, paranoia/delusions, dissociation, and the romanticization/infantalization of such)

The fandom has this... weird thing for romanticizing and infantalizing Bluestreak's canonical trauma, by literally babying him and making him younger than everyone else around him.

Ask yourselves... why do you make Bluestreak so young in fanworks?

"Because he talks a lot! Its a childish and cute trait :)"

Congratulations, you infantalized Bluestreak's canonical coping mechanism for his canonical trauma.

According to his G1 bio, which you can find on the TFWiki, Bluestreak talks and rambles a lot as some sort of self-soothing/distraction method in order to cope with the trauma of having been the sole survivor of the bombing of Praxus. By turning this into something cute and childish, comparing this trait of his to that of a childs and thus treating him as a child, is infantalizing his coping mechanism and his trauma. By turning him into a literal child, you are infantalizing his entire character.

A lot of people also treat Bluestreak as some sort of weird source of torture porn. If they're not infantalizing his trauma, they're adding more to it to make him look more "damaged" so other able-bodied and neurotypical characters can "fix" him and comfort him. I'm not talking about projection here, I'm talking about people who never went through any sort of trauma making him a source of angst and cheap shock value. Typically for some sort of romance plot. Which is weird. Without getting into personal details, it's weird.

This fandom's obsession with literally babying Bluestreak is downright uncomfortable at best. Please, ask yourself why you're writing these characters this way and how you're portraying them.

I've also seen people poke fun at Red Alert's anxiety and severe/dehabilitating paranoia, which is also incredibly gross. I don't think some of you understand just how scary severe paranoia is. While it may look irrational to someone who doesn't struggle with such anxieties, the paranoid delusions that Red Alert has hits close to home to a lot of people.

Don't turn a real and serious disorder/symptom of several disorders into something cutesy and quirky. It's incredibly damaging to how many people view anxiety, paranoia, and delusions.

I know that some sources of canon do treat Red Alert this way, but its our job as the fandom to be critical of canonical media and what messages we take away from it. Just because canon did it, doesn't give you the right to do it.

One last thing I want to bring up is how (TFA) Blitzwing is treated in canon and in fandom spaces.

Many people treat Blitzwing as though he has Dissociative Identity Disorder (for those who weren't aware of the name change, this disorder was previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder). Or OSDD (otherwise specified dissociative disorder).

DID is believed to be caused by severe and prolonged childhood trauma. It's a disorder centered around episodes of dissociation in order to protect the individual from further trauma. Symptoms include severe gaps in memory, out of body experiences, flashbacks, anxiety, depression, self destructive behavior, mood swings... There is a reason this disorder requires a medical diagnosis, and it's comsidered a very serious disorder.

TFA Blitzwing has none of these symptoms, he doesn't have DID or OSDD. If anything, he is based on surface level depictions of harmful stereotypes.

I don't have DID, let me be clear. However, there have been people with DID/OSDD who have spoken up about harmful depictions of DID (often wrongly referred to as Multiple Personality Disorder), and it's not hard to connect the dots that TFA Blitzwing is, unfortunately, part of the problem.

Again, it's our job as the viewers of these medias to be critical of it and what messages we are taking away from these shows.

I'm not saying you can't enjoy Blitzwing or TFA, that'd be hypocritical of me, I just want people to be more open-minded and critical of the media they're consuming. That's all I ask for, truly.

This won't be the last time I'll talk about ableism in Transformers, I plan on going more in-depth in the future. But that's all I really have to say for now without losing focus.

RE: "glitch usage"

A handful of people have told me that they often use glitch as a replacement for "b*tch." I think this usage is fine for the most part, as long as you're aware of the possible implications and you make sure that it could, in no way, be confused for someone suggesting mental health conditions in someone else, or used as an ableist slur/substitute for crazy/insane. As long as you're careful and clear with your intentions, I think you're good for the most part. Again, I don't want people to drop the word entirely, I just want people to be aware of the implications and how they're using it. While I'd prefer it to not be used in a derogatory way, I don't really see it being used as a censored version of b*tch that much of an issue.

If you've used glitch before in this context (substitute for b*tch) but no longer feel comfortable using it due to the ableist implications, may I suggest using "snitch" instead?

It's not mechanical/technological themed, which is where a lot of the silly swear words come from, but it is a word that means tattletale, informant, and steal. It's childish, yes, but most of the silly swear words in TF are meant to silly and childish for the most part.

"Son of a snitch" - son of a traitor/tattletale, still silly and derogatory. Makes me laugh, very silly.

[trixree]

STORY TIME! TW: discussion of assault.

So today I'm spending some time with my family because it's my mom's birthday, right? Well I suffer from chronic migraines and had been fighting an episode since the very moment I woke up today. Right as I'm getting ready to leave my parents' house, it gets so bad that I can't stand up anymore. Luckily, my mom is also a migraine sufferer and had medication on hand that I could take. I also live in a state where marijuana is legal (I'm 21+) and my mom offered to stop by a dispensary and pick me up some stuff for my debilitating nausea because I don't carry cash on me.

Well, I'm lazy as fuck and my drivers license has been expired for like 5mo now, so I just went into the lobby with my mom & explained what I wanted before going back outside. I left the store at the same time as a random man. As we walk through the door, he says to me and says under his breath, "mask-wearing c*nt."

I live in a very conservative state. I'm severely immunocompromised. I was wearing two N95s and Mr. "My Wife Took my Hairline in the Divorce" took offense to that. He clearly was not expecting the 5'1" twig-ass shaved head in the Ewok tee shirt to round on him and shout at the top of my lungs in a very busy parkinglot, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?"

He repeats himself, walking towards his car, and spits in my direction. I flipped him off and invited him to "suck my fucking cock." Now, my dad is in the car, and he's like, "What the fuck did that guy say to you?" And I say, "well father, Unironic Bolo Tie kindly informed me I was a 'mask wearing c*nt'." My dad tried to follow the guy, asking him what the fuck his problem was (dude didn't respond, of course, because he'd clearly only cursed at me in the first place because he assumed I would just take it)

And I'm writing all of this to tell you that I was fucking scared. I was shaking. I could hear my own heartbeat. And all that I could think, literally my only thought in that moment? I was so fucking grateful that he hadn't touched me.

Before I transitioned, I had very long blonde hair. I went to a Catholic school with a uniform: skirts and polo shirts with tall socks. Needless to say, I've been groped in public. The first time a man I didn't know grabbed my ass, I was 14. And I didn't say a goddamn thing. You don't say anything because you don't know how, because you convince yourself that surely it had to have been a mistake-- surely it was all in your head, right? And even if you know in your heart that it wasn't, even when you know that you were just sexually assaulted, you don't say anything. I never did.

Today, I was just as afraid as I'd always been. I was baffled too, because I was dressed very masc. I have a shaved head. I was in a men's shirt and my partner's jeans with my keys clipped to my belt. I hadn't even said a single word to this man. And he called me a c*nt. He said it so casually, too. Said it again, louder, when I asked him what he'd said to me. Spat on the ground. And I was shaking. I was fucking trembling like a wet chihuahua and I told him to suck my cock.

My mom didn't see any of this and when my dad & I told her what had happened while she was inside, she was horrified. But she told me she was proud of me for fighting back.

I just feel gross. It didn't feel empowering to shout back, to curse back at him. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did. I'm glad I didn't just let him walk away, I'm glad I didn't just take it! But I'm still scared, hours later. I keep remembering the moment I processed what he said to me and my skin crawls. I was so close to him; we walked out the door at the same time. He could have touched me at any moment. Hit me, groped me, pushed me. I remember this, and I think I'm going to throw up.

No matter how femme or masc you are, no matter how bravely you tell someone 3 decades your senior to fuck off, no matter who is with you or how comically absurd your assaulter is, it never stops being terrifying. This is what misogyny is. This is what it is to move through a sexist world. Men who haven't gotten any pussy in 20+ years will feel entitled to say whatever the fuck they want to you just because you happen to have one. You know what? Every employee in that dispensary was wearing a mask. I was only special in that this man felt empowered to belittle me in particular. And that, my friends, is the world we live in.

[madhyanas]

tell me ur thoughts on twilek head coverings 👀

aw YES thank u so much my brain was going to burst

to avoid my brain melting out my ears and also to apply some Critical Thought and Depth to star wars for once: i will be ignoring the aspects of the gross sexualisation of female twi’leks that aren’t relevant to what i’m saying. as recommended by doctors

tw: discussions of canon-typical slavery, trafficking, hyper-sexualisation. brief explanation of blood as internally transported by the body (not graphic). compression aids/stockings for medical purposes. 

only mentioning things people might want to avoid - it’s mostly okay!

0. ‘lekku’ - the tentacles growing from twi’lek heads. that’s uhhhh p important lmao

broadly speaking, i see 2 primary points of significance to twi’lek head coverings: cultural and anatomical.

1. cultural significance

to start with the obvious, we only see head coverings worn almost exclusively on women and children. children seemed to wear head coverings regardless of gender (see: suu lawquane’s kids). the only examples i could find of any coverings on adult men are either helmets or bands that wrap around the ends - with the exception of this dude who appears in the kanan comics and honestly? looks amazing

one interpretation could be a modesty-oriented culture. this is probably my favourite cultural explanation, and one i could 100% see emerging as a form of liberation amongst twi’lek women as a response to the over-sexualisation and trafficking of their species. especially since it’s such a well-known practice and stereotype. (for instance, it’s one that hera syndulla took advantage of multiple times to lower people’s guard.) 

the over-sexualisation of twi’leks is, as far as canon is concerned, distinct to twi’lek women, while enslaved twi’lek men were typically trafficked for manual labour. so it would make sense that the women’s experiences and trauma, being different from that of their male counterparts, may have resulted in a unique custom of dress in retaliation to their suffering.

very messed up how twi’leks are characterised as individuals and as a species, but something i would like to explore from that is how their subjugation and hyper-sexualisation influenced their community identity, their ideologies (especially regarding independence) and the twi’lek population taking back autonomy over their bodies and appearance. 

(in my opinion twi’lek women should have more identity-asserting narratives beyond just a few characters, but that’s by the by.)

however, there are a lot of flaws in the modesty-oriented interpretation idea. firstly, if originating as a social revolution against their enslavement, it only makes sense for as long as the enslavement and trafficking of twi’leks had been a practice. not so sure how it works out pre-Empire. secondly, it doesn’t really work in the case of enslaved twi’leks. think original trilogy - they wore ornate head coverings even when barely clothed otherwise. my guess is that these are more for ‘decoration’, for lack of a better word. since the head coverings themselves are apparently a staple of twi’lek culture, it could be that slavers let enslaved twi’leks wear head coverings for the. ‘exotic’ effect. or whatever. disgusting so let’s move on

it could very well be a religious custom, though i don’t think this is very convincing. simply because we don’t see much of twi’lek religion at all. wish we did :(

there’s a few more possible interpretations but last one for now: family lineage. from the kalikori episodes in rebels, it’s made very clear that family legacy is a defining aspect of a twi’lek’s individual identity. so i guess it wouldn’t be a stretch for women to ‘pass on’ a certain style of head covering through the family line. this explanation is really fun imo because it could possibly explain the different styles of head coverings a little more comprehensively than just regional variations/personal preferences. it also adds more more depth to what’s already been established as twi’lek tradition. could also be little things like medallions/ornaments added to head coverings. 

then again - to once more rain on my own parade - this might not check out, since neither suu’s children share any similarities in head coverings to her own, nor does hera to her mother’s. but more on hera’s head coverings below

2. anatomical/physiological

yeah alright i started getting tired here so. bullet points

star wars plays fast and loose when it comes to twi’lek physiology, especially lekku

the presence of ‘braintails’ - lekku that apparently contain part of a twi’lek’s BRAIN (whack) could be a reason for head coverings

so first and foremost i guess a logical explanation would be it’s just safer to have your brain wrapped up lmao - if they’re contained in dangly bits like lekku with no BONE encasing them (???) then having something wrapped around tightly would be a pretty basic safety measure

why don’t men wear them then? well quite a lot of male twi’lek’s have bulbous, protruding foreheads. not too far-fetched to argue that men’s brains are located more forward, while the women’s are located more backward? definitely not an airtight explanation though. 

i’ll be honest my number one favourite explanation behind head coverings is for circulation. like for varicose veins in the legs (a non-fictional condition), patients usually wear compression stockings. they improve blood flow by letting the arteries (high pressure blood vessels) relax for a bit and gives veins (low pressure) some help in sending blood back to the heart

i think that’s what head coverings could be for!! to help with blood circulation in lekku!! they’re essentially an extra pair of limbs to account for but with none of the motor skills/control of movement. and they’re constantly dangling - seeing how bouncy they are, gravity has to be taking a toll there. think like the worst case of pins and needles but you can barely move the limb that HAS the pins n needles. a compression sock/stocking/head covering might help with that.

reasonably speaking the compression sock would be at the bottom of the limb to account for gravity, and this doesn’t address the gender disparity, so it’s not a perfect explanation. but i like it a lot!!!!!

this could also be adapted for pilots, i feel. like hera’s head coverings have been mentioned to be a notable divergence from usual styles, which could be because they’re adapted for rapid changes in altitude, pressure and gravity? 

anyways much to think about

[snarp]

I am genuinely a horse for real in real life, hooves

This is why I'm nauseated all the time but I vomited for the first time in I think 2-3 years night-before-last, and it was just a little liquid even though I'd just eaten; the previous incident was the first time I had vomited in like a fucking decade. I blame all of my health problems on the presence of a malevolent gnome in my guts, giving me colic, for horses and not babies, because I cannot puke it up. Fuckign gnome!

[metallsinne]

ran faints at the eye doctors: apparently a continuing saga

so a few years ago, i had an eye appointment. i got my eyes dilated and then had a fainting spell afterwards. i was taken to the doctor and they determined i was “dehydrated” - which, let’s be real here, is doctor speak for “dude we got no idea wtf happened.” i chronicled this saga on my loki blog at the time and it was gr8...not. 

well...it fucking happened again lmfao. i went to the eye doctor yesterday (tuesday) since i desperately needed another pair of glasses and a new prescription. i was super chill and calm and had eaten and drunk before, so i was neither hungry nor dehydrated...and fainted.

i started feeling super dizzy and clammy and sic while i was sitting in the waiting room for my eyes to dilate. tried distracting myself by talking to friends on dscrd and watching a video on youtube but didn’t really work so i leaned against the wall. the last thing i remember is texting my mom saying i “don’t feel good” and then the next thing i know, there’s a huge crowd of people around me and a doctor trying to get me to come back around.

so we think there’s something in the dilation medicine i’ve having a reaction to. they’ve marked me down as not to be dilated except in an emergency so...that happened lmfao. i could never get them dilate again and be quite happy tbh.

[ablednt]

Actually helpful advice for the kids on this hellsite

Once again tired of "don't make a carrd or tell people your triggers" posts going around literally telling kids it's Dangerous to set boundaries. So here's what I've learned in my teen years on how to stay safe in the hellscape that's the internet.

Identity

You don't have to link all your social media together but you can if you want to. Don't give out something that is more private (like discord account, Skype or zoom account, facebook, Snapchat etc.) publicly or to people who aren't familiar with yet though.

Use a nickname rather than your real name or birth name, an account and name change may unfortunately be necessary so if you want to keep a name safe or use it irl then don't attach it to public social media. This can be fun though! Go apeshit coming up with different aliases and names! Call yourself lizard if you want to!

The only thing you absolutely need to put somewhere on your account (or carrd) is that you're a minor. You don't have to give the exact age but I promise this is important because even if there's plenty of context clues that you're a minor if you don't indicate this somewhere clear and adults start treating you like shit you need to be able to point out that they're knowingly doing this to a minor. That has saved me from gross bullshit a lot. Yes, people should default to treating people who's ages they don't know as a minor to play it safe but the majority of people assume everyone is the same age as them so you need to make it clear you're not an adult.

Pronouns don't make you identifiable and anyone who acts like putting your pronouns in your bio is unsafe is probably transphobic lmao. You don't have to if you don't want to (and don't mind people not using/knowing your pronouns) but it's safe to put them there most of the time. (The only exception I can think of is if you're closeted and your parents may find your account but in that case you should probably stay closeted online to unless you feel safe/know they aren't likely to find your account.)

You don't have to list every privilege you have and you probably shouldn't but if you're white you probably should indicate this somewhere. This is to hold yourself accountable because yes even teenagers can be racist and underaged people of color also deserve to feel safe. If you're nonwhite and don't feel safe doing so you don't have to list your race or ethnicity.

If you're part of a system/plural or questioning you do NOT have to say your systems origins, if you have DID/OSDD, or list your headmates/alters. The system community has a lot of people in it (and singlets adjacent to parts of the community due to bullshit discourse groups welcoming them) who will target underaged systems to fakeclaim them or harass them etc. I suggest having everyone use aliases/nicknames on a system account and you only tell your origin to people you feel comfortable around and safe with. Your safety and privacy is more important than your trendy system carrd goals I promise!

You shouldn't really just list any disorders you have but it really does no harm to put marginalized identities you're proud of on a carrd or in your bio. You might get a shitty anon or two but I promise people aren't going to dox you if you say you're autistic on your carrd or something.

I personally wouldn't list any special interests that are particularly recognizable (popular media should be ok but more niche stuff may not be) or publicly share a kin list just because you never know if you'll want to switch up your identity online to feel safe and the more things are clearly tied to your current nickname and handle the harder it will be to do this. However if you feel safe doing so it's not the end of the world. Just be careful about it and don't feel pressured to give more info than you're comfortable giving.

You do NOT need to tell people your trauma in order to tell them your triggers. If you need something tagged with a tw you really should indicate this somewhere so people know to tag it (unless you intend to send every you're mutuals with an anon with what to tag which is also an option but may be difficult) but you shouldn't tell them your trauma or medical history to justify it. Your boundaries aren't up for debate and you have nothing to prove. You should only talk about your trauma if you feel safe doing so (and even then please don't give identifiable details like.names of people involved or specifics as that can cause serious problems.)

Boundaries & etiquette

DNIs are good! BYFs are good! Anyone who tells you that they're not good or useful is absolutely trying to disrespect your and other people's boundaries. You can and should make a DNI and list the people you don't want to interact with. (Generally it's better to say groups rather than specific people or names because it's easier to again not be recognized if you need to change accounts/aliases but you can do this if you have strong reasoning and absolutely have to to feel safe.)

DNIs (and also.trigger lists) don't have to all be bad things! You can put fandoms that make you uncomfortable, things that trigger you but aren't bad inherently, etc. on these lists. They're about helping you feel safe not having the hottest takes or being the most morally correct.

Some people you should put in your DNIs as a minor are proshippers/anti-antis and MAPs. Both of these groups have been proven time and time again to groom minors online so the earlier you get away from them the better.

Once you have your DNI please do be aggressive in reinforcing it! Block people who break your DNI, tell people who complain about your DNI to fuck off! Do not tolerate people trying to debate the boundaries You have set this is your corner of the internet to feel safe! They can go somewhere else! Being blocked by a kid on the internet is not the emotional blow abusers act like it is. You're not mean for having boundaries please internalize this and stand up for yourself!

If other people have a DNI you need to check that before following them this is for both your own safety and theirs. If you're unsure what something on someone's DNI means ask around to find out before following just in case.

Do NOT get involved in discourse! This doesn't mean you can't ever take part in or boost serious things. Discussing/calling out bigotry (racism, ableism, transphobia, etc.) isn't discourse. Sometimes callout posts for legitimately harmful people is necessary so that's not automatically bad. But I'm taking about the shit that's #discourse. Stay out of ace discourse. Stay away from syscourse. Don't debate with terfs or transmeds or shitty people. I know it seems like it'd be cathartic to win debates with shitty people, I know there's people who will try to bait you into the latest argument over which lgbt+ identities can say what slurs or whatever the fuck the pointless bad faith argument is, and I know you want to prove that your marginalized identity doesn't make you a bad person like bigots say it does. But as someone who's mental health was absolutely destroyed by discourse as a teen it's not worth it. By all means discuss issues as they arise, broaden your perspectives and horizons, etc. but don't engage knowingly in discourse it will save you so much trouble in the long run.

Try to avoid talking to adults 1x1 if you can avoid it! It's okay to dm with an adult you feel safe talking to sometimes and while it's certainly okay not to interact with adults at all if you don't feel.comfortable it's generally okay to do so. But if an adult is going out of their way to consistently talk to you in private needlessly that can be a red flag. If an adult tries to insinuate that they're the only adult around you can trust that's DEFINITELY a red flag. Basically talk to people in places you can easily involve others if needs be. If someone sends you a dm that makes you uncomfortable screenshot it in case you need to show someone etc.

Don't discuss NSFW things with adults, in spaces adults have easy access to (for example a discord server open to all ages), or even with other underaged people who haven't indicated they're comfortable with it. There's nothing inherently wrong with being aware of nsfw stuff or experiencing sexual attraction as a teenager but it's very important that you don't put yourself in situations that may be unsafe for you or others. Most good discord servers have rules against this for this exact reason. Now, to make it abundantly clear, if you did or do ever say something nsfw and an adult takes advantage of this or responds in a way that makes you uncomfortable this is NOT your fault! The responsibility falls on adults to act appropriately but it's still a good idea to keep youeself out of harms way.

That's basically it on a general level. Once again, posts telling you not to make DNIs or carrds or trigger lists (all used to set clear boundaries) are very suspect and either grossly misunderstand how these things work or are intentionally demonizing them in order to have more opportunity it excuse to do harm. Setting clear boundaries is good. Doing things that help you feel safe and respected is good. Just don't go and get involved in discourse or give out personal information or anything.

[stxphxn-strange]

i found the one, he changed my life (what now?) [i’d love it if we made it, pt. 3]

a/n: holy SHIT i am so happy about the way this turned out, this continues the story of college AU!tony dealing with his ex and the pressure he puts on himself to be honest with his friends. (title from “what now” by rihanna) TW: discussion of abusive relationships, mention of surgery, unhealthy/stalking behaviors, and i think that’s it but pls lmk if there’s anything else i should tag

summary: “He’s obsessed with you [...] I think he loves me, I feel certain that he loves me. But he feels some kind of way about you, and it’s creepy,” Bucky elaborated, leaving Anthony at a loss for words.

“It’s a nice day, seasonal allergies aside,” Anthony remarked.

“I would put flowers in your hair and be all cute and shit but I’m trying not to make you sneeze,” Stephen replied. “That would be unfortunate.”

Anthony laughed lightly and rested his head on Stephen’s shoulder. “You can still pet my head though, that would be nice.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re terrible at subtlety?” Stephen asked, beginning to play with Anthony’s hair.

“I think you did this morning,” Anthony replied. “Because you’re obnoxious.”

“Isn’t that why you love me?” Stephen teased, batting his eyelashes.

“It’s one of many reasons,” Anthony said, a soft smile on his face. “It is really nice out though.”

“Listen I know I’m always on time, but can we make an exception today?” Christine sat across from the couple, her auburn hair made extra bright by the sunlight as she pulled it out of her face. “Sorry I’m late.”

“The way that you’re literally not sorry at all makes that apology for me,” Stephen said. “Don’t worry about it though, we’ve just been hanging out. Where’s Hope?”

“Inside, for some reason,” Christine replied with a shrug.

“Probably because it’s allergy season,” Anthony commented, rolling his eyes as he sneezed again.

“He complains, despite begging me to sit outside with him,” Stephen added.

“That doesn’t sound like me, but go off I guess,” Anthony replied, picking up his phone. “Hey Rhodey, what’s up?”

“Are you running errands by chance?” Rhodey asked.

“Nope, I’m sitting outside with Steph and Christine,” Anthony said. “Why, do you need something?”

“I was just going to ask if I could send you a short list of things I wanted. Not a big deal but I’m out of cereal,” Rhodey replied.

“Text it to me anyway, I don’t think I’m going out but if I do I’ll get whatever you want,” Anthony said with a shrug.

“You’re the best Tones. By the way are you feeling better?” Rhodey asked.

“A little bit. It’s nice just sitting outside,” Anthony replied. “I dunno. I’m not thinking about it.”

“Fair enough. Enjoy the fresh air, don’t worry about the cereal though! See you later.”

“Bye Rhodey, everyone say bye!”

Christine and Stephen shouted their goodbyes as Anthony ended the call.

“You good?” Christine asked kindly.

“Yeah, sorta.” Anthony shrugged again. “I just didn’t sleep a lot last night, so that wasn’t fun. I’ve been stressed out about… things. Turns out it actually is weird to have one of your friends dating your ex.”

Christine hummed. “Tea. I thought there was something bothering you, like more than just the awkwardness. I can read you well enough by now. So what’s wrong?”

“Honestly I don’t want to tell you this exact minute because I feel like the only person who should hear this privately is Bucky. I’ll have to see how I feel after I talk with him, and if I’m okay then I’ll probably tell everyone in the group all at once. I just don’t want to repeat the same story over and over again, that’s going to wear me down,” Anthony replied. “I hope that’s okay.”

“Oh my god dude that’s fine! No stress,” Christine rushed to assure him. “You just seem sad and I want to help but I also don’t want you to make yourself feel worse, that’s not fair to you.”

Anthony breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks Christine.”

“Don’t worry about it!” Christine said.

Anthony sneezed again, not seeing the need to reply beyond that. There was just nothing else to say.

“Let’s go inside,” Stephen suggested. “It’s getting kinda gross out anyway.”

“Oh sorry, that’s because I’m out here. I’ll leave.” Anthony jokingly moved to stand up, laughing raucously when Stephen pulled him into a hug before he even stood.

“Nooo, you’re good! You stay,” Stephen replied. “The sun is out because you’re here.”

Anthony blushed and buried his head against Stephen’s collarbone. “Oh hush.”

Christine stood up. “I may as well go inside while you two idiots keep flirting, now my allergies are acting up.”

“You’re not allergic to pollen,” Stephen remarked, standing up and offering Anthony his hand.

“I’m not allergic to most things, but I’m allergic to your bullshit,” Christine quipped. “I feel like I tell you that at least once a week.”

Anthony laughed and stood up, smiling as he wrapped his arms around Stephen’s waist.

“In all seriousness, you’re cute together,” Christine continued.

“Oh we know,” Anthony said. “How was your day Christine?”

The trio headed inside as Christine thought about how to answer.

“Honestly I don’t think anything even happened today.” she finally said. “Hope and I had breakfast together and I quite literally ran into Carol in the library. It was nice to catch up with her though because I feel like I haven’t seen her in years.”

“Now that I think about it, I also feel like I haven’t seen Carol in a long time,” Stephen said.

“We didn’t talk for too long since we were in the library, but she seems good,” Christine replied. “I think she and Val are still unpacking so they’ve been focused on that, y’know?”

“Makes sense. Props to them for moving in the middle of the year, that’s too much for me. That’s why I’m making everyone wait until the summer,” Anthony said.

“You’re not making anyone wait, you’re just making sense,” Stephen corrected him. “Moving is stressful enough, I don’t want to deal with it during exam season and neither does anyone else.”

“Can I plan your housewarming party?” Christine asked, opening the apartment door.

“Who said anything about a housewarming party?” Anthony replied.

“Wong said I could throw one once you’re all moved in,” Christine explained. “We don’t have a contract in writing yet, but that’s because—”

“Because I never said you could throw us a party!” Wong shouted from the living room. He was sitting in his usual armchair by the window, half paying attention to whatever show Bucky and an all too familiar blond were watching. “Also Bucky is here again, and he brought a friend.”

“Boyfriend,” Bucky chimed in. “We’re going to dinner soon, I just left my jacket here the other day and then I decided I’d introduce Steve to you guys. So yeah, this is my boyfriend Steve. Steve, this is Christine, Stephen, and I think you know Tony. I heard there’s a history there or something.”

Bucky was trying his best to prematurely make the best of an awkward situation, but Steve was the only one who found any humor in what he said.

The offending blond laughed and nodded, his expression unreadable in a way that made Anthony freeze. He was looking with condescension at their entwined hands, like he didn’t approve of Stephen and Anthony finally being together. With an arrogant sniff, he got off his high horse long enough to respond. “I know him and Stephen, actually. You both look good.”

“Thanks,” Stephen replied, his teeth bared in a forced, blatantly hostile grin.

Anthony rubbed at his eyes, tearing up from the situation and his allergies. “Yeah good to see you too, if you’ll excuse me I need to take some allergy medication.” He couldn’t run and hide in the bathroom fast enough, and he knew everyone in the room could see him trembling.

Stephen let his genuine emotion break through his façade for a moment, frowning as he watched Anthony retreat. His steely look of disapproval returned a minute later as he sat down in the kitchen, eavesdropping on the group’s conversation.

“Mind if I get some water? I didn’t get to hydrate as much today,” Steve asked.

Stephen, pretending to be busy, glared at his phone like he was reading a poorly worded email. He paid little attention to the blond as he bumbled around the kitchen, following Wong’s directions on where to find cups and the Brita and other shit.

“So you’ve finally come back to the city, hm? Tony used to tell me about how you both grew up here and how New York never left you,” Steve asked Stephen. He was making an extremely poor attempt to sound friendly, but all he did was make the med student extremely uncomfortable.

Stephen gave a forced laugh. “Yeah, they couldn’t keep me away.”

“Seems like you couldn’t keep yourself away from Tony either, not with the amount of times he cheated on me with you,” Steve remarked.

“Listen, we both know that’s not true and I barely want to give you the time of day. You know damn well he never cheated on you and I don’t have to justify myself to you. After all, you were the cheater. If you think I’m just going to roll over in my own apartment and let you run your mouth like that, especially knowing how badly you treated my Anthony, then you’ve got another thing coming,” Stephen snapped. “Do I make myself clear?”

“Clearly anyone who thinks I’m aggressive and controlling hasn’t met you,” Steve said, closing the fridge and leaving Stephen fuming in the kitchen.

After 15 minutes of ignoring some small talk, Stephen had had enough. Anthony was still hiding somewhere and Stephen was just over Steve being in his apartment. He was trying not to be too angry, because Bucky didn’t know about how Steve and Anthony’s breakup or relationship went. Stephen couldn’t, and didn’t, blame him.

But Steve was a coward and a jerk, and Stephen wouldn’t touch him with an 11 foot pole. Stephen wouldn’t even get close to him to shove him headfirst out the door, actually.

“I’m gonna be in my room studying if you guys need anything, enjoy your dinner Bucky!” He said, waving at his friends in the living room and pointedly ignoring Steve.

“Thanks man! If you want to hang out later, maybe on a double date or something—”

“Oh I’d love that!” Steve chimed in, unprovoked and uninvited.

“Depends on what Ant’s doing, I know I’m pretty busy tonight but if he wants to go out then we’ll let you know,” Stephen said firmly. He heard the bathroom door open behind him and Anthony’s light footsteps in the hall.

“I think I’ll just run to the bathroom before we leave, if that’s alright?” Steve asked.

“Are you asking me?” Stephen replied, ignoring him and heading in the direction of his bedroom. “Don’t you dare patronize me.”

Anthony was standing nervously outside Stephen’s room, staring at the floor. He looked horrified and meek, pressing his back against the wall and hoping he’d disappear out of Steve’s gaze.

But of course he wasn’t that lucky. Sometimes it felt like he’d never truly get away from the way Steve used to look at him and was apparently still looking at him.

Anthony looked up as Stephen gently tapped his shoulder. “Hey… you alright?”

He forced himself to nod, tears still pooling in his eyes from either anxiety or allergies. Maybe both. “Yeah, I guess. It’s just—”

“Oh there you are Tony! Bucky and I are leaving, so I thought I’d say goodbye,” Steve said, lingering in the doorway to the bathroom. “Maybe we could go for a double date later? If you’re allowed to, that is. I always said Strange was a controlling downgrade, didn’t I?”

“Good thing I never listened when you said that, because I’m much happier now,” Anthony muttered.

“Aww, don’t be a bad sport! It’ll be just like the glory days.” Steve appeared to be ignoring his current relationship to flirt with Anthony, stepping out of the doorway and leaning closer (read: too close for comfort) to him.

“I don’t know about that,” Anthony said, his voice taut. “I wouldn’t want to be around you for much longer. Seeing you is already making me think about our… could you call it a relationship?”

“You’re so funny Tony, just as funny as I remember.” Steve sounded like a content house cat as he quite literally purred at Tony. “I miss that humor. I just miss you.”

“I can’t say the feeling is mutual.”

++++

“Not to state the obvious, but I hate that guy,” Stephen muttered, storming into the kitchen a few hours later.

“Is Ant okay?” Wong hadn’t moved from his seat in the living room, except for the fact that he was laying across the armchair sideways and there were three more mystery novels next to him.

“He’s sleeping. Even before all of that shit went down,” Stephen began, gesturing to the air in front of him, “We were outside for long enough that even if he won’t admit it, his allergies are bothering him.”

“How long were you outside for before I came to sit with you guys?” Christine asked.

“Maybe 90 minutes? Long enough to be considered too long,” Stephen replied. “It doesn’t matter. Did you guys eat yet?”

“No, we were waiting on you and Pepper. She said she’d be back by 7,” Christine said.

“What do you want? I’m open to suggestions,” Stephen asked. “I kinda want to make pasta but I know I’m not good enough at it so it wouldn’t make Anthony happy.”

“Don’t be stupid, Stephen. It absolutely would, and you know that,” Christine scolded him. “Do whatever you feel like! And I think pasta sounds nice.”

Stephen nodded. “Fair enough. I’m making ravioli and none of you can stop me. We deserve it.”

“Oh no Stephen don’t do that, don’t make something that you like to cook and that we all like to eat,” Wong teased. “Christine, he’s too powerful, we have to stop him.”

Stephen humorously rolled his eyes. “Anthony is the one who gave me a good recipe, so technically we all have him to thank for enabling me. Except not right now. Let him sleep.”

++++

“Oh by the way, I told Bucky that I’d get coffee with him later and we’re going to talk about whatever the hell happened this weekend,” Anthony said. “Do you want me to bring you back anything while I’m out?”

“Hmm… I don’t think so.” Stephen drew a heart on the back of Anthony’s hand with his thumb, something he noticed himself doing a lot.

Anthony always rewarded him for the gesture with the smallest, shyest smile that Stephen thought was the most adorable thing ever. “Text me if you change your mind, yeah?”

“Okay, I will.” Stephen smiled back at him, lovingly brushing Anthony’s hair out of his face. “Also if I send you a list will you help me decide on a movie for tonight?”

“Not sure you’re asking the right person, but sure,” Anthony replied.

“That’s subjective. I think I’m asking the right person,” Stephen said. “You’ve never steered me wrong before.”

“I hope I never do.” Anthony pressed a soft, sweet kiss to Stephen’s lips. “But knowing you, you’ll definitely change your mind about wanting a tea or something.”

“If I do, I’ll tell you,” Stephen replied, smiling into the kiss. “Promise. Have a good day, and good luck later.”

“I think I’m going to need it,” Anthony said with a little nervous laugh.

“Would a kiss help your luck?” Stephen couldn’t keep a neutral face. “I never imagined myself saying that. Or getting to kiss you.”

“Stop it, don’t make me blush this early in the day,” Anthony replied. “In all seriousness, I love you. And your kisses are magical, who’s to say they aren’t lucky?”

++++

Anthony couldn’t say whether or not he felt lucky later that day, because the only thing he felt was nervous. Bucky looked just as nervous and sheepish as Anthony did, and his internal monologue had already switched to guilt. They exchanged small talk and pleasantries while they waited for their coffee, their mutual discomfort becoming more and more tangible by the minute.

Most people joked that Anthony talked to hear the sound of his own voice, but today he was so nervous he couldn’t hear himself think. He didn’t know what to say or even where to start. Thankfully, Bucky blurted out a question before Anthony thought about how to start the conversation.

“How long were you two together?”

“Two and a half years, give or take. And I didn’t cheat on him with Stephen.”

“I didn’t think so. I wasn’t even going to ask about that.” Bucky smiled, trying to somehow calm Anthony down with his expression. “Who broke it off?”

“Me. Sometimes I feel like I did it a lot later than I should have, honestly.” Anthony shrugged. “I wasn’t ever happy in that relationship. I wanted to be, and I did everything I could to make it work even at my own expense, but eventually I had to end it. I’m happier now, but sometimes I still… I shouldn’t say any of this to you, not if you’re happy.”

“You know what bothers me, though?”

Anthony wasn’t expecting that. “What’s up?”

“I don’t think he’s over you. And that doesn’t bother me in a jealous sense, I’m not like that, but I feel almost used. Especially after this weekend,” Bucky said.

“What do you mean?” That worried Anthony for a lot of reasons, and he couldn’t decide which one was the most important.

“Tony, he's obsessed with you. The entire time we were driving Sunday night he wouldn’t stop talking about you, to the point where it was weird. I started to feel like he used me to see you,” Bucky replied. “One time I showed him a group picture, this was like six months ago, from that time we went out ice skating and ever since then he’s been pestering me about you. I don’t even think it has anything to do with me, if that makes sense.”

“I’m not following,” Anthony admitted. “Not entirely, anyway.”

“I think he loves me, I feel certain that he loves me. But he feels some kind of way about you, and it’s creepy,” Bucky said. “Now as I said it’s not jealousy, I just think it’s a bit disturbing that he’s so hung up on you.”

Anthony nodded slowly. “Yeah, I don’t like that. He didn’t want me to dump him but I had to, there’s no two ways about it. What happened Sunday?”

“We had a disagreement. I told him I felt used and he wasn’t happy about that, but he didn’t deny it either,” Bucky replied. “I was hoping he’d drop the whole thing but I don’t think he’s going to. I don’t think he’s going to ever get over you, honestly.”

“Damn. I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that.” Anthony nervously ran a hand through his hair, fighting the urge to pull at it. “Um… yeah I don’t really know what to think or what to say.”

“Neither do I,” Bucky admitted. “I really want to try things out with him and see how they continue, but I also don’t think he’s going to change. Now that he’s actually seen you, I feel like it’s only going to be more awkward.”

“Oh about that, I’m sorry I didn’t want to go out the other day,” Anthony said. “I was going to try and make myself power through it, but… just being around him for however long you guys were in the apartment was way too much. I got really anxious and just hid in Stephen’s room. And then, on an unrelated note, I ended up sleeping for 14 hours or something.”

“I’m sorry if I was forceful. I didn’t know how to subtly ask if he was making you uncomfortable in the moment, but I could see it,” Bucky replied. “I don’t blame you.”

Anthony shrugged. “Dude I’m at a loss, generally speaking. I don’t know what to say about everything you just told me, but honestly I’m feeling a little sick.”

“Are you going to see Stephen? I’m meeting Christine, so if you want I’ll walk with you,” Bucky offered.

Anthony nodded. “Sure.”

“I really am sorry, Tony. For everything this weekend, and if something I said upset you after your wisdom tooth surgery,” Bucky said.

“It’s not your fault. I’ve been stressing about how to tell everyone about that relationship for too long and the way I felt when I woke up just reminded me of something I still don’t really want to talk about,” Anthony replied. “There’s a lot I’m holding back, even from you, but I’m just not ready to go into all of that yet.”

“I won’t be upset if you tell me,” Bucky tried to comfort him.

“It’s less about that and more the fact that I don’t want to even think about it. I don’t want to think about him,” Anthony said. “I don’t want to hear his voice, or see him, or even hear about him, if I’m being honest. And I feel bad, because I know you love him, but—”

“But you’re my friend, and I care about you. Plus you’re way too polite to be direct when something or someone upsets you and I think that does more harm than good. You just end up keeping everything to yourself, and you don’t have to,” Bucky interrupted. “You don’t have to be a closed book all the time.”

Anthony smiled at that. “Stephen’s said that to me before. I don’t know why, but I like that phrasing. I’m not one to open up in general, even though I trust everyone in our friend group, but this feels like it’s too much to get into the open right now. Someday I’ll be ready, but not today. It doesn’t help that this weekend was honestly too soon.”

“That’s fair man,” Bucky replied. “I don’t have to tell you that Stephen loves the shit out of you, and you deserve that.”

“I could go on and on about Steph probably endlessly,” Anthony said, hiding his face as he blushed.

“Everyone knows that, even people who have never met either of you know that!” Bucky teased. “But honestly, are you okay?”

Anthony shrugged. “Yes and no. I just need time.”

“I understand. And I am really, really sorry about this weekend,” Bucky replied. “Forgive me?”

Anthony shook his head. “Do I need to? It’s not your fault.”

“I know it’s not, but still… I’m sorry. I hope that means something, at least.”

tags: @stark-strange-love2 @taruyison @chocopiggy @majesticnerdynerd @spooky-n-spunky @merlynthedisasterchild @kitkatfat15 @maya-custodios-dionach @katninjagirl97