#tw for discussion of SA + forced pregnancy in tags
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i just want to be able to forgive her
#dellete#tw for discussion of SA + forced pregnancy in tags#the fact that im a product of SA doesnt really surprise me#i wish she hadnt told me like she had. like a GOTCHA! so she could win the argument that#she started and that i kept telling her i didnt want to have#i just want to be able to forgive her. for everything.#for all the shit when we lived together and for refusing to acknowledge any of it when i moved out#i just want to be able to forgive her#i miss my dad so much. despite everything i do. he was good to me. he begged for my forgiveness. my artwork and all my writing is all#dedicated to and inspired by him#hes an old man and he might die soon and i wont be able to thank him for any of it because my mother will probably attempt suicide if i try#to contact him#so ill never have much of a relationship with my dad#and ill never have a relationship with my mum because of what she did to me#and i know it takes practice and time and effort#but making friends is a real challenge for me sometimes#and im so lonely. im so lonely and i miss how it was to be a kid#to feel like i belonged somewhere or something like that#like i could make for myself a place in the world#when my dad dies my artwork will have been for nothing. and i want to forgive my mum#i want to go home. i want to go home to the place i grew up in#and i know she refuses to sell that house eventhough its a huge financial drain because she doesnt want to let go of th#the memory when i was a kid and not such a fucking disappointment#and i want so badly. to be the kid i used to be#i want to forgive her. i want to pretend that she didnt#reveal to me that neither she nor my father ever wanted me for no other reason than to make me feel bad#for setting boundaries#i want to forgive i want to forget#i want to forget#i just want to forget why cant i forget
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