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[ineedyoubymyside]

🖤mine edit🖤

[princesskloy]

#pink #girly #aesthetic #crown #royal #pretty #cute #kawaii #fashion #soft #Princess #Kloy #PrincessKloy #tumlbr #love #tumlbrgirl #art #girl #smile #fun #videogames #gamergirl

instagram | jayflora_designs

[princesskloy]

[grattificationnation-blog]

who the hell is running this show?

Okay so the last few days, just wow girl wow. I had this way about me when I was in active addiction where I would be all over the map when it came to emotions, well more so I didn’t really have any plus I never got my period so the PMS aspect wasn’t usually an issue. I had alot of different techniques on how I could manage to manipulate anyone and everyone into feeling sorry for me and helping or use the nuclear option (anger wise)anytime I didn’t get my way and I could of course justify it by saying well that’s because I was using so that’s why I was behaving that way. However, now that I’m clean getting regular shark weeks and the PMS when you’re someone with BPD are just the funnest fucking timenyone could ever imagine (full blown sarcasm duh) .. I’m just getting frustrated with myself, because I feel like so sensitive and needy and just all out, basket case crazy. Like this morning okay, my man let me sleep in which I rarely do these days, when I came down stairs he was sitting on his phone frustrated of course because somehow there were texts deleted off his phone, which we both have to use these days seeing how my smart self sold my phone for $100.00 worth of dope. So he was of course annoyed by that, so when I asked him what he was doing and he said with what I thought was an accusatory tone, explaining what had happened and that he didn’t understand why.. so IMMEDIATELY I of course took that as a personal attack him obviously accusing me of for whatever reason maybe texting and deleting this person when I didn’t. So there was that, then following that I was on facebook on his account on this laptop instead of mine because, well I just didn’t wanna wait for anything I knew that it would take a minute to switch and I just figured since I’m checking my account its no big deal if I’m on his, and he just kinda took over when he realized I was on his account closed what I had open and switched them ... and I was like umm okay? “well why would you do that, oh she’s on my account I better sign her off asap” and I don’t even know why I am taking this on for some ridiculous reason. He is so good to me, he treats me amazingly, his legitimate reason for switching them was so that I wouldn’t lose anything I would be saving on his account or whatever but not any other reason. 

So right away as soon as I woke up I felt like I was being attacked, that doesn’t even take into account the complete irrational thought process I had all day yesterday because he wasn’t paying attention to me.. and that makes me cringe at myself. You’re going to be one of those girls C? Are you for real? He’s busy looking for work, he’s not down for your needy bullshit and just because he’s not all over you all of a sudden you’re going to fall apart? It’s almost to the point of being unhealthy, like now yes I don’t use drugs (aside from weed because that’s medicine and I will always be PRO cannabis instead of pro big pharma) but does that mean I’m subject to being addicted to my boyfriend? Should I be careful because I am pushing co-dependence? I just want to be healthy and happy with a solid recovery, and to me for whatever reason I’m spinning down the tunnel of PMS into crazy bitch land and can’t seem to figure out how to control my shit. 

So where do you draw the line between being controlled by your addict and behaving in such a way that resembles your unhealthy behavior and it just being a kind of mental health/out of wack hormone issue? I mean being aware of your actions and how you are handling yourself is a good first step, because that’s IMPORTANT to be able to recognize when you are dealing with something in a healthy way or not, and being able to check yourself. I’ve been trying to get intouch with me, become more self aware, paying attention to my triggers and when I’m out of line or being completely irrational or mellow dramatic. Sometimes I need more attention, sometimes I need to be told I’m beautiful that I’m loved and that he isn’t going anywhere. My insecurities are so crippling sometimes it’s honestly just really overwhelming, telling me that he’s getting annoyed because I’m so publicly lovey dovey and constantly telling him how much he means to me or trying to get hugs and kisses on an hourly basis, but that right there makes me feel so pathetic. .Like I shouldn’t need that kind of stuff just to be okay or feel confident in my everyday life. I don’t know it’s hard I guess to try and differentiate the two and deciding whether or not it’s something that I can handle and take care of and eventually overcome or if it’s one of those defects that I have in my brain that I’ll always be like this and it’ll be my excuse to one day pick up? I just want to be able to know what’s pms and what’s just me being in a shit mood. I want to be able to not take things personally, to not assume that anything he says is a personal attack on me, that he loves me and there’s nothing but trust and security in our relationship, because that’s true that’s how it is but my ridiculously insecure irrational FUCKED UP mind tries to tell me all the negative things you can think of .. so I just hope I can learn how to cope better and control my reactions. I need to take a minute and think about the situation before I allow my addict to run the show and try and sabotage everything I’m working towards. 

Well I apologize for the rambling, I’m just a bit all over the place today as far as what the fuck is happening in my brain because I know that I’m acting like a psycho, like I can see what I’m doing or saying .. but I can’t stop it from happening. I’m just going to go to sleep so I can wake up and start the day over. I need to stop taking things as if my man hates me and wants to hurt my feelings because I’m pretty sure if I keep this shit up he’s gonna wanna murder me in the sleep.

-Later beauts xox

[princesskloy]

And that okay, because I’m weird too.

[moonliqhtz]

repost please :) ilysm

[princesskloy]

Those are fittonias? They’re sooo pretty.

tips on how to keep fittonias?

[d4ydreamingg]

Meeeeee <3 follow my instagram @standastallasagiraffe 

[princesskloy]