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after meeting certain parents of other people, the respect i have for my parents increases
#sometimes its really hard to comprehend how can certain people can be parents#their kids tend to be better at most of the things parents should be good at#won't elaborate#but still yaar#random#desi tumblr#desi tag#desi#desiblr#ugh#rant#spilled thoughts#meanslackofart#parents#desi parents#desi people#desi family#weird#🧿
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It's probably not gonna happen because Rick prime doesn't care that much. But I think it would be '👀👀' if he starts compare other Jerrys to Hermit Jerry after their encounter....
#like he used to had only his perception of Jerrys he 'heard' from but never encountered one.#but then he met Hjer and he was 'different' from prime's mind.#so if he encounter another Jerry he just goes 'oh yeah#'they are suppose to be like this. unlike that guy '#idk a trash can dream#also sorry if i posted this before. i have memory of a goldfish lol#hermit jerry#weird rick#i hate tumblr tag system sometime
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Hi hello have this somewhat old Jonmartin kids concept ideas while I try not to die
#I have I'm Gonna Fucking Die Disease#symptoms are I've coughed way too much for like almost a week now#my bad#so anyway the drawing#jonmartin#jonathan sims#martin blackwood#tma#tma podcast#the magnus archives#how does one tag these things#so uh I think I made Lyra the older one#one of these names I got straight out of a fanfic but I can't remember each one so when I feel mentally capable I'll look for it#or if you happen to remember a fic that had them have a daughter with either of those names feel free to mention it#anyways they're a happy family#a bit weird bc let's be honest Jon and Martin are really weird#like as normal people go they can be freaks sometimes#but that's fine otherwise they wouldn't be popular on tumblr dot com#two funky colored eyes for the price of one head I'd call that a great deal#I just think it would be interesting to know what happens when two avatars of different fears have baby like do you know how many fears Jon#involves on his own like that's all 14 dude what happens there#he's like aang in the sense that he's thee avatar and also can never recover from this experience#would the kids even be connected to the fears in whatever universe their dads ended up in we just don't know#anyway this is all actually for a story idea I've had since forever but you're not ready for that yet#peace everyone I'll bring trying to sleep
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I wanna. Pick them up in my mouth and shake 'em around like a dog obliterating a squeaky toy
#you can tag anyone you feel this way about but I was thinking about Rook hunt in particular#tbh I feel like he'd picture the same - just with Vil and Neige#he wanta his oshis to be besties (he is just lime me fr) (just a liiiittle furyher frim reality)#(I view neigexVil as nore of a crackship until we get more Neige development/lore)#(our queen Vil doesn't deserve to be genuinely shipped with someone who's kinda 2D rn.#But I respect people who flesh out neige with headcanons - they write the dynamics realy well tbh)#(hopefully we get more RSA development at some point I think that'd be cool)#(plus I'd cry if TWST just. stopped. after the last NRC OB)#(I mean it'd make sense aince that's where the story is based and it'll probably end once Yuu finds a way home#- which feels close now thanks to Ortho)#(But at the same time I. have been following this since it first came out when I was about 16 - same age as the first year squad lol)#(and I feel like it'd feel weird if we stopped getting main story updates)#(Im rambling a LOT lol - probably because I'm tipsy haha)#(hope someone can relate to my lamenting of future woes though)#(Oh well - I should atop borrowing sorrow from the future and live joyfully with the now)#(I do miss my friends who've stopped being in the fandom though - and my friends who deactivated and idk how to contact now)#(sugarandmelody... zacrazyvalentine... I miss them. but we had fun#writing and stuff. and I suppose that's what matters in the end. that we had fun.)#at least - I hope they had fun too. and I kinda hope they think about me how I think of them sometimes.#have a nice day if you're reading this. I rambled in the tags a while and I understand that it's kinda long lol.#and probably riddled with typos#I'm tearing up for some reason haha. well it is what it is#I hope each and every one of my followers know how amazing they are - I hope y'all have a wonderful day - evening - or night#I wish I could hug people across the internet lol#I should stop posting on tumblr while drinky haha#tw drunk#tw drinking#i'll tag it just in case#don't wanna cause discomfort and stuff
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omgg lol [guy who won't stop going "more like scapeGOATED" voice] now hold! on!! lmao [same guy just saw encanto voice] Hold on!!!
#& [it might be 5am but i'll still see if i can draw some] trackpad homemade reacts. inhales & hands to head/face x9 then walking off#site giving pretty random Suggested assortment there where i was like oh right sure. prob not tumblr keywords captures lmaooo#(plus happened to have it open in firefox) but my god Not the scapegoated literal seers lmfao. whoooo. my god#also it was just really good anyways like right nice. damn#the (queerrr) seerrr the perceiverrr the truth tellerrr the ruinerrr the scapegoat be-errr the internalizerrr the neurodivergerrr#& now i Know there is 0% chance ppl weren't putting ''always a gay cousin or it's you (avuncular edition)'' in that thing#family tree design not even leaving space for the hypothetical kids of this relative we mostly pretend is nonexistent hmm#also that necessarily. it's giving all intents & purposes Disability abt a dozen ways & it's saying [accept that] vs [we'd better fix him]#you don't cite said [it's giving disability] as part of the We All Hate The Horrible Little Freak scapegoating justification & then be like#''actually we don't have to do that anymore b/c he's sooo normal :)'' or not if you're serious about [don't scapegoat your family] anyways#which like oh ok they Are serious so The Weirdo's scapegoating / casting out / lack of support Isn't justified#so he's still weird & you just gotta get over that b/c otherwise. bye. having a natural rat affinity is such a slay btw#& we've all been there like ''you NEVER want two scapegoats talking it's Over if they do'' + littlest kid is like um. they're the best#plankton voice Correct! inhale i'm so impressed like. getting to go ''finally someone Normal'' (serious abt letting someone Be Weird(tm))#which also always counts as like mm hard time suggesting someone's Not queer & also autistic for a start lmao. an award#adding in suggested layers like talking to oneself; talking Oddly / w difficulty; physical uncoordination; rituals ; acting; animal friend#the layer of ''& all that's fine? like?'' again rather than him ever suppressing or even changing it so far as it's suggested#besides that it's observed as Weird like but so? or else what? nonrhetorical: hostility / rescinded support & driving someone off is what?#& that Truth like the [worse treatment / exclusion / scapegoat] oft recipe for someone giving the support they're not getting themself#again Never let the [ppl both experiencing this] talk oh it's So over. or the child who's all i like family support & kindness actuallyy...#obviously also like the complete opposite of billions. knowing what they're about & letting this Just As Beloved crucial guy be So Weird#but billions Also [hmm feels right for our scapegoated guy to Perceive / Tell Truths / openly want/need & then be hurt] now get his ass#anyway [guy who could always go way on could go way on but only has thirty tags & it's 6am & i still mean to try some drawing] voice#remarkable amt of So True & ''it feels like ppl on the same page w/exactly what they're doing are all behind this''#remarkable amount of concentrated My God That Is So A Slay located in bruno all at once. what a gift#sticking to ''sometimes someone In Your Group is Weird. Disabled. deal'' firmly enough there's no ;) oh u can bet we'll Fix Him in the end#everyone always assumes the worst so....me when i'm [always as a kid yearning for Living In Secret Passages]. emile gtmpota?#oh congrats to whatever rando who will be having his dramatic gay reunion w/bruno just out of frame obviously. i perceive#now imagine if That rando was....emile gtmpota! what a crossover event. haunting4haunting. do i have enough tags for this lmao. yea#& having 1 more tag to say: as though the [endless serving] isn't enough bruno's also as close to gender envy as it gets. incl rats; sure
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i like coming across a blog where someone is like hardcore blogging abt Something and theyre like a couple of layers of meta and headcanons and discussion into this and then my task is to figure out what the Thing is
#1. medium#2. genre#3. what its about themes and plots#its like reconstructing smth by the hole it leaves#its fun#and sometimes you can scroll for pages before anything gets illuminated i like that most#when theres like a picture or smth of the thing then that kidna gives the game away#or at least makes the guessing game too easy to be fun#fanart can work tho#i think my blog would be pretty fun if i came across it wihtout knowing it#i tend to reference a lot and explain very little#say stuff like 'that scene when' or just give scenes descriptionnames#use a lot of episode numbers. rarely tag anything#also use a lot of names tho#which depending on the fandom can give the game away#but if youre really totally not familiar with doctor who through tumblr osmosis (which is rare probably)#then it might work. bc some names are weird enough and all the other ones dont give many clues#but i think if you can get a couple of pages without screenshots then my blog would be fun#though idk if i talk enough. depends on the day. you need to get like a whole bunch of textposts thats the best#if theres alot of reblogs that doesnt work as well#unLESS the reblogs are an indepth fandom discussion with another blogger. then its great
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sometimes I kinda wish tumblr had something akin to a twitter circle or Instagram close friends list. bc sometimes I kinda wanna say something but not necessarily to Everyone. i feel like tags are almost equivalent bc they’re like the Secret Whisper-Rant Place except anyone can see them. Which adds some fun flavor I suppose. Tumblr close friends circle except it’s whichever of ur followers cares to read your tinytext ramblings
#i always overshare in the tags and then if someone indicates that they saw the tags I’m like omg#no one was supposed to see that#even tho I put it on a public post that anyone on tumblr dot com can read#lmao#also tumblr just feels weird compared to twt#bc when I any time I make a post I feel like I am using a megaphone and being obnoxious HDJSKS#but on twt I feel like I’m just. sayin something. yknow#which probably most people will not see anyway. or will ignore lol#like I don’t worry about being annoying on twt? bc things get lost on the feed immediately anyway? idk#but on tumblr sometimes I have a random thought I’m gonna share but then I stop and I’m like. This isn’t necessary nvm#most of the time I save it as a draft for no reason and then never post it anyway#i can’t tell if this the difference in vibes between tumblr and twt#or the difference in vibes of two vastly different follower counts lol#bc I only have like 600 on twt. and I have. more than that here. lol#and ofc there are. the checkmarks. which do not help with the obnoxious megaphone feeling lmao#ok have a nice day tumblr circle who reads my tags
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Ok ok ok I'm not Tryna start discourse but bluestars prophecy was my first ever warriors book and bluestar will always be my favourite so I'm gonna make some counterpoints to you about her being a Smajor character
bluestar has always been led by an intense loyalty and dedication to those she loves and cares for - this includes her mum, her sister, her clan, eventually Firepaw when he joins the clan, and she has a VERY strong moral compass when it comes to doing the right thing - when she sees thistleclaw teaching tigerpaw to hurt a then baby scourge she very much discourages it and is against it
Afaik scott is Not like that, he doesn't have an emotional or love-driven moral code, he does things because they're smart decisions in the long term or because he wants to. Granted I havent seen a ton of his stuff but I have seen his limited life and 3rd life perspectives and he is very much a singular team player there, there to look after himself and well if people align with him that's great he's got allies (jimmy and Martyn) but he won't go out of his way to care for them
Bluestars defiance of starclan in the first series is BECAUSE she gave herself to them and what the warrior code demanded so much - yes she broke clan rules by having kids with crookedstar but she did everything in her power to make sure they'd have a happy life and felt terrible that thrushpelt was willing to say they were his to save her reputation. She didn't do it out of a selfish want, she only ever wanted to help her clan and those she loved, and her becoming clan leader is emblematic of that want. When she rejects starclan so wholeheartedly in the first series it's because THINGS KEEP GOING WRONG WHEN SHES TRIED SO HARD TO STOP THEM FROM DOING THAT - starclan has never cared about the sacrifices she made to keep her loved ones and clan safe, she lost her mother, her sister, her kits, her mate, literally everything, and things STILL KEEP GETTING WORSE. it's not a demand that she deserves to have everything good, it's a cry for help that shouldn't something go right after she's tried so hard???
C!Scott isn't like that. He puts himself above others and inherently believes he will get the best if he just plays his cards right, and he is good at it, he's very competent at lasting a long time in life series and getting what he wants - the ruthlessness of gem driven by desperation kills him in secret life, Martyn's complete fucking about face kills him in limited life, and I'm pretty sure it's etho who gets him out in 3rd life by luck. He doesn't plan to look after the ones he cares about, because he cares about himself first and foremost. Yeah you can argue when he doesn't get what he wants he gets annoyed, but his is less of a 'why don't I get this don't I deserve it' and more of a 'oh fuck this didn't work. Ok new plan double down on getting what I want by appeasing to people cos they're easy to read and therefore account for'
I don't doubt Scott would make a bluestar adjacent character if he made a warrior cats oc BUT his character would honestly be closer to darktail or ashfur than bluestar and that's that on that.
(sorry you activated 13 year old me's unskippable cutscene sjdjsjsjja this isnt meant to be a serious argument I just love bluestar a lot and love talking about her)
OKAY 1. this is fucking awesome thank you 2. i am going to do something new and exciting (advocate for scott instead of beating him to death with sticks) because unfortunately this bluestar info has only made me believe she is a smajor character even more.
As a general note when I talk about smajor characters as a collective here I’m referring to characters more in the realm of esmp/traffic/rats/pirates/etc, less vampire scott or necromancer scott who are intended to be villainous.
Scott characters tend to operate under a “If I am not a Good Person I may as well die” rule, and consequently abide by a strict moral code to keep themselves feeling clean. For instance: traffic Scott will never go back on his word, he will avoid dishonesty, and he won’t take from others unless he is sure that he can repay them. He will never betray his seasonal primary ally (even when they betray him first), and will often give people things just because they asked him nicely. He stakes a lot of his own identity on this, because it is through being a “good person” that he justifies his superiority (and, by extension, his own existence); in his mind he deserves the best and *is* the best because he is such a good person. When things don’t go his way, he thinks he doesn’t deserve it because he has been nothing but good, so he tries to place a reason. He often assumes that somebody must “have a vendetta” against him, even if this somebody is the world (see: him asking if limlife episode 1 boogeyman is some kind of joke played on him for not giving in to the boogey curse in Last Life.) which is very Bluestar to me, convinced that her misfortunes are a divine punishment.
This is all to say that Scott does have a strict moral code and deep sense of loyalty. Being a “good person” and devoted partner in the ways he understands it are so ingrained into what he is that I think he definitely has the capacity to be a Bluestar if he were raised being taught clan values, even if his internal systems are often built around never letting gross emotions be fully felt rather than what those emotions compel him to do.
#ive always wanted to partake in pointless character debate on tumblr#considered maintagging this but didnt want people looking at your ask weird. sorry yall we serve fucked up scott here#“But bree” you might ask “what about pearl? He wasnt a very devoted partner then!”#and to that I say: pearl isnt a person to him. and neither is jimmy. Scott fucked up with both of them and unfortunately if he is not good-#and justified 100% of the time he loses his entire identity so convincing himself that they are incompetent or crazy so that he#doesnt have to self reflect is how he gets by. he would literally rather kill himself than earnestly admit fault for anything#… huh. about the above tags I dont remember the lore but is there any parallel there with the whole bright heart thing#genuine question bc I do not remember why blue star did that and I dont trust the wiki#(Trying to space out names so they dont tag)#I really hope this makes sense btw bc I feel like I usually list a lot more examples… but im tired#I can elaborate on any point here if need be ig. I dont talk about this aspect of him often because the literal entire fandom does already#Every scott analysis post out there is about his damn loyalty… anyways yeah scotts loyalty is transactional more often than emotional but#It’s still loyalty and also. hard to draw the line between where the emotions stop sometimes because he can stop giving a fuck about—#most things on a whim. How much scott genuinely cares about something is a forever undefinable concept#asks#he is genuinely a very good ally to have usually. like jimmy was very much the exception there#he does like helping people out he does. he’s just also emotionally detached so he tallies his favors and good deeds to bring up later if—#someone he’s helped decides to go against him. If that makes sense#sorry man I just keep talking. I love this blue animal…….#thanks for the ask genuinely I love when paragraphs about characters#anyways im gonna pass out and. Shakes myself STOP ADDING MORE TAGSSS i think im so tired man
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getting an iced pumpkin chai in the morning and then my personal goal is to spend the whole day writing and i hope i can come back to this post tomorrow and rb w how much progress i’ve made!!!
#i have a love/hate relationship w this fic and i’m gonna rant to myself bc hehe it’s almost midnight so why not :>#okay SO. i for some reason just didn’t create any proper outline for this story and i think that’s why it’s taken me so long to write it#because i don’t necessarily have a why/a REASON for this story or plot… like even thinking abt doing the dialogue and trying to find flow +#cohesion is making me so 😐 and also honestly… i’m terrible at doing drafts in the first place#i don’t write linearly i jump all over the place while writing and SOMETIMES i can connect things but this time i could NOT#and i would focus on one tiny part for SO long and make no progress anywhere else like GIRL……… ENOUGH#but hmmmm yeah i also for some reason feel like esp w my writing it’s super robotic and doesn’t have emotion#like i’m not writing w suguru’s voice and instead i’m writing as the author and it’s kinda irking me#if that makes sense… hmmmm……….. also i might be doing dual pov so hopefully it doesn’t look too wonky#but yeah 😭 i need to work on scene setting & describing things effectively + doing show not tell#like i just made a mini outline rn and wow . it’s Not it at all 😭😭😭 there’s no WHY to the story and it’s making it hard to write#okay not necessarily a ‘why’ but like . What’s The Point of the story#sigh. i need to figure that out#also there’s so much stuff i want to add but i feel like it’ll be clunky + it’ll move fast or be weird#but my goal for tomorrow is truly and honestly write the meat and bones of it and then i can edit ruthlessly later on#i was thinking of getting it out this week but i forgot election week/don’t have anything really written either 😭#but hopefully next week if i try hard enough! the goal is before december bc i want this to be a november fic#but yeah that’s my mini vent @ me i’m glad to just talk abt in the tags#feels like for this story specifically it’s been a lot of looking at my docs instead of writing which is WHACK 🤨#also i don’t like my writing style + i want to write better in GENERAL#that’ll come w practice & doing it often though 😭#ALSO . SIDENOTE but why does tumblr not let me link things anymore like NDNDNDND SO STUPID#OOOOH AND . i need to start/finish selfship moodboards & also create wip lists for geto/gojo/toji but for REAL#as in wipe i’ll actually plan to write next not just ones i like the sound of 😭#ANYWAYS I’M SO SLEEBY……… honk shoo mimimi cult leader geto please pat my head to sleep and be kind to me#GIRL THIS IS LONG AS HELL OMFG . silence @ me 🤫 what a YAPPER#personal
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does whatever the hell is up there enjoy my suffering?
#im sorry guys#I have these episodes where I can't breathe as if there's something blocking me in the chest area? it mainly happens at night when I try-#-to breathe lol#and idk life's been shitty#not been getting the best grades#I mean if I tell them people would be like “THAT'S GOOD YOU'RE DOING AMAZING” but it really isn't#and I have so many tasks it's all just so overwhelming#not to mention I have tests every other week because I'm in the shittiest school that is the equivalent to Dante's idea of hell#like it's torture#idk y'all#anix seriously knows nothing#not to mention sometimes when I smell something weird I remember all my surgeries and then I feel like I can't breathe#so life's been eh#not to mention I can't open up to my therapist lol#so Tumblr is my form of venting#moots ily but don't worry I'll be ok#also I can't focus when it comes to studying#and I get stressed easily#and I am gonna keep my tags so I can remember to tell my therapist all of this
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#poetry#Letting it stand alone#Isn't it weird how pictures of text do way better than text alone?#Yes it is weird#I think this is less true on Tumblr#but it's true everywhere#I've measured#Other weird stuff like a follow-on comment exclaiming how much they like it also helps but I hate including those#I like letting it stand alone#and then typing a million tags but that's more something I have to do sometimes#Kind of wish I could hide the tags behind a cut but hey most of them are so that's cool#this was posted in the context of voting and otherwise trying to unfuck things being ungently reamed by the political climate worldwide#which maybe was always this bad I wouldn't know#I saw a post the other day about a plug-in that would filter things on multiple (not Tumblr) websites to help cut out politics#and some were mad about it because politics are important#and others were frustrated because USA-centricism means they're innundated with stuff about Ohio and they're in Bacharach#and probably their voter registration being yanked from under their feet a week ago isn't a thing that happened if they're in Germany#we're all just microbes inhabiting forests of mold on the outside of a dessicated tangerine#and we should make the most of it and help our fellow living things do the same#so that means I think we shouldn't just remember the children#but also the cats and the beetles and the coral reefs and even#perhaps#our neighbors#whom it's hard to love sometimes but so many of them have lovable aspects#and they're each the hero of their own story and they're each unreliable narrators and it's not something we can overcome easily#hang in there neighbor#I'll put out as much of the fire as I can
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🚨🚨URGENT APPEAL🚨🚨 my heart is aching my sick bother
Can you please save my brother's life
Reblog my pin post🙏🙏
Donate if you can
My brother's life is on the line 😭
https://gofund.me/85ab4916
Here’s another one guys
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we have gottttt to start shaming people for saying shit like "fuck the police includes the identity/fandom/whatever police" like 😭 regardless of ur opinions on exclusionism or fandom discourse u have to be able to acknowledge that those are not even close to actual real life cops
#text#just my opinion ✌️#also inb4 someone misinterprets this YES OBVIOUSLY PEOPLE WHO POLICE PPLS IDENTITIES ARE ASSHOLES#& it can have real life harmful consequences#but i just dont think it is on the same level as the state sanctioned violence committed daily and the enforcement of corrupt#policies that cops get paid and congratulated to engage in and etc. i cant possibly list all the things wrong with cops in tumblr tags sorr#youre gonna have to read a book for that one. POINT IS exclusionism and identity discourse absolutely does have lasting real life effects o#people even if it only takes place online (and sometimes is not in fact confined to the internet only).#but cops are like . an institution thatYOU GET WHAT I MEAN IM NOT EXPLAINING THIS ANY MORE#also if u put someone like. kicking u from a discord server for talking abt weird ships on the same level as the atrocities committed#by Actual Real Life Cops i dont even know what to say to u. 😭 get offline and read a fucking book. PLEASE.#discourse
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tag dump
#wishing tumblrs weird. search function actually worked sometimes#girl i can do this bcoz the tag function here is actually totally unuseable now#this is activating so many neurons and autisms in my brain you have no idea#64 is actually my favorite number of mine ..#i still think about the actual noise i made watching this it was so fkn loud kdjfkdjdk#me as hell actually
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is this post about tristamp!ww cause if so, I COULD NOT AGREE MORE.
it is very important for me to state upfront that i do not begrudge fandom their fun. we all do a little recalibrating of our faves to suit us. i do it all the time. it's normal fandom behavior. it does not cause significant material harm.
(what gets flanderized to the extreme in what kinds of characters is... worthy of serious discussion, especially in the case of characters with canonical or commonly headcanoned marginalized identities [though those are two different things requiring two different kinds of examination] and that is. Not a subject i'm going to get into in a pithy complainpost. but i am Aware. I Am Thinking About It. I Am Thinking About Posting About It.)
but all that aside i genuinely have been. completely boggled and moderately disheartened by the way fandom seems to have just. unpersoned stampede wolfwood? it's happened in such a weird way, too, where he's been replaced by a sort of fandom-telephone version of classic wolfwood, who is himself a composite of like two and half different wolfwoods and 25 years of fandom drift. i've been in various fandoms for like, a decade, i've never seen something like this, where the existing fanon from a completely different canon just swallowed the actual canon.
(how vash's character has fared in all this is. an entirely different can of worms that i have tried and failed to open without sounding like a grumpy asshole, so, moving swiftly on.)
i think the thing that really irks me is that it makes it. so. difficult. to find any specific work for any specific canon, because everyone has decided to make soup instead of differentiating.
which is (grumbles) fine. i guess! i don't like it. the ao3 tags are completely unusable. but like, whatever.
it's just getting kind of tiring that if i want to read about stampede wolfwood, yknow, blorbo from my shows? i have find a needle in a haystack of big buff cowboys who have never shot someone with a laser bc of a ptsd episode in their life and their 150-year-old virgin boyfriends.
#i want this in my meta tag but i don't reallyyyyy want it in the maintags and tumblr's tagging system is inscrutable so uhhh#i'm a little worried what's going to happen when s2 of stampede drops#and it's not the version of vw (specifically the cowboy ww ppl want for redesign ww) they made up in their heads for two years or whatever#fandoms can get REAL MEAN when they forget that canon is not beholden to them#is that mean? sorry. it's True.#ugh. sometimes i think i'm being needlessly judgy/picky but like this is WEIRD right??? it's weird.#the guy's just gone. unpersoned. replaced.#fuck it#trigun meta#if this shows up in the tags. hi! i have takes.
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.
#when i was a kid I was kinda neglected and my parents didn't like me very much but whatever#in tv there would always be these talent#and they would stare little kids with they parents being THERE and PROUD#so in my kid brain i thought: alright so to better my situation i just need to get really good at something and then they'll care for me#and the only skill i had been complimented on before was drawing#so i started teaching myself drawing#birds because i liked them and plants because i thought my mother loved and later skeletons because i was emo lol#and i think how i am so perfectionist in my art (eventhough i try to be happy with just whatever i make these days)#and i think about that quote of suzanne riveca thats like:#(my art) has to be perfect it has to be irreproachable in every way to make up for it#to make up for the fact that it's me#and about that one tweet that went something lile#sometimes we strive for pervection in our art because we hope to one day create something that doesn't look like we made it#and how i love drawing and hat that knife against my throat that hinges my life on it being good#and how no matter what i do#I can't get rid of that sinking feeling that i always have to struggle and earn my place in someones life#even when i know it's not like that and thats just the mentally ill part of my brain being loud and dumb#Like i got so many issues under controll by now#many reason to be proud! and be positive about things getting better and my own strength#but some part of my brain is still that little girl alone in all the empty rooms#and i can't get her out of there#because the strength that girl needed to make it through is the same strength i need to help myself through the waves of the aftermath#like i feel like to heal i'd need to allow mysf to be weak but that prospect of not holding myself clenxhed like a fist is so scary#and also knowing how bad my brain can be who knowd what would happen lol#and I WISH not every therapist in my city that accepts patients was a weird nutjob#so i could talk to them about it rather than the tumblr tag#but this is the hand we've been given and it's the hand we need to hold or however that goes#a few days ago someone called me charming and that was very nice#tumblr still limiting the tags to 30 😔 how is a girl supppse to therapise herself in that economy????#whatever!!! i am shattering like glass but at least i have viddy games and cool people in my life that like me despite it all and music
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