#tumblr is the new youporn

[lu2211]

Perché tumblr è il ritrovo perfetto per i repressi sessuali e per persone che non sanno controllare le proprie pulsioni in modo adeguato?

[yaboyyjay]

Flash back to 2014.

It's 3:48am and I've been stuck in dopamine loops all day, writing cyberpunk flash-fiction, getting off to backshots on YouPorn, playing computer games, watching Twitter celebrities on Tweetdeck, deep diving my Tumblr homepage...whatever would distract me from this fucked up game called life. A music-sorting YouTube algorithm has found more darksynth than I can keep up with. Fully baked, I minimize "Deus Ex: Human Revolution" and open tab #359 to google "Snowden effect". Meanwhile, "Bare Knuckle" by Street Cleaner rips through my earphones as I envision AI communicating to me through the new retro wave.

It's a solitary life, but, for the moment (and only for the moment), I wouldn't take it any other way.

[wiypt-writes]

Consciousness Of Guilt

Chapter 21

Summary: Your honeymoon over, it’s back to work…and someone there is REALLY getting on your nerves…

Warnings: Language, adult themes, Smut (NSFW, 18+)

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar the reader and any other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer. I do not consent to my work being translated or posted elsewhere. If you see this fiction on any site other than Tumblr it has been taken without permission.

W/C: 7.3k

A/N: Thanks to my beta @spectre-posts​

Consciousness Of Guilt Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Chapter 20

Your heels tapped against the elevator floor, impatience being your newest virtue as of late. If it wasn't life taking its sweet time you were simply irritated at how slow everyone else seemed to be moving.

You and Andy had been nothing short of busy since getting married. Whilst the newly wed glow was absolutely still about you, you both seemed to be simply rushing off to work or just missing one another in the office. Whilst you had turned down Eva's request for you to take over her position while on maternity leave, all things considered, you might as well have done it. You and Amber were running things within the office whilst Mandy, the temp, just took the name and calls, answering emails on behalf of the new mom.

And she was something else; deep burgundy hair, always in a tight bun and dressed to impress. You scoffed at Amber one day over lunch, telling her that Mandy reminded you of a porn star. And boy, did she act like one. You had half a mind to talk to Ron about her. You tried telling Andy and he just laughed you off, rolling his eyes and joking with you over it.

Amber had conceded she did remind her of someone she’d seen in one of those “boss rails horny office worker” films on YouPorn, which had left the two of you in fits of giggles. Giggles you’d been unable to stop when the woman in question had walked in, or rather her boobs had, followed by the rest of her about sixty seconds later.

Today, however, you’d seen Mandy for all of fifteen minutes in the morning for your daily stand up, when she had disappeared stating she had to meet with Ron. It was now lunchtime, you’d given up waiting for her to come back, and instead had decided to take your break.

The lift stopped on Andy's floor and you felt a little weight lift off your shoulders as you neared his office. You glanced down at your ring set and smiled at the soft and dainty design. It made you grin a little and you waved to Andy's assistant and paralegal as you walked passed her as she was on a call.

“Oh, hang on, Mrs Barber…” she called and you stopped, turning to her as she smiled, “he’s in there with Ron and Mandy, might wanna knock, I don’t know what they’re talking about.”

Well, that was news. You had been under the impression Mandy's meeting was just with Ron. It hadn't occurred to you it was a partner meeting with Andy. You gave her a nod and raised your left hand to knock on the door.

“Yeah?” Andy’s deep drawl called. You opened the door and smiled as Andy looked at you, his eyes soft.

“Hi, Angel.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were in a meeting I was just calling on the off chance you could do lunch? But if you’re busy…sorry, shoulda called.” You popped a shoulder, apologetically.

Ron smirked, "no, I think we're done here. We'll set the press release once it's finished. Trial was a success, thanks to Andy. Amanda, I'll expect the final draft for review on my desk by tomorrow morning." He stood and winked at Andy, "Enjoy your lunch."

You stepped into the office, clearing the way out for Ron and he stopped in the doorway.

“Nice work with the damage control on the Goldman case by the way. I know I emailed down but wish I’d gotten chance to thank Eva in person, was a hell of a dumb case to leave for maternity with.”

“Oh, yeah, don’t sweat she was fine.”

“Shame we lost it too but can’t win ‘em all. Mind you, he was guilty as shit.”

“Stupid too. I mean anyone who calls a pizza delivery and then holds up the delivery driver with a gun, on his own stoop ain’t winning any Mensa prizes anytime soon.” You snorted and Ron laughed.

“Fucking state appointed cases. Still, we’re obligated to take our quote. Anyway, change of subject, I told Andy to come over Saturday, we’ll do dinner.”

“Sure, sounds good.”

With a final wink Ron left and you turned back to Andy. Mandy was lingering around his desk and you huffed a little as you were waiting for her to go.

But she really wasn’t taking the hint.

You cleared your throat, “Andy, do you want me to meet you downstairs?”

“Might be best, Y/N,” Mandy smiled at you, flashing her perfect white teeth, “I’ve got a couple of things I need to discuss with Mr Barber.” She chuckled as she gently perched on the edge of his desk.

You blinked, looked from her to Andy, who eyd you with a little teasing amusement but you weren’t really in the mood. Normally you’d laugh it off as you knew he’d put her straight when he got chance but today it irked you, big time.

“You know what, it doesn’t matter, I’ll sort myself out and eat with Amber.” You gave a curt nod, and before Andy could interject, you turned heel and disappeared.

You didn't even bother grabbing Amber, you'd only said it. Instead, you headed for your Jeep and sat in the driver's seat momentarily, before peeling out and heading to Patti's. And all the way there cursed and mumbled about your temporary boss as you drove.

You parked up and headed in, still grumbling, and Patti smiled at you.

“Y/N, Mr B not with you?”

“Not today, no.” You smiled at her as your stomach gave a huge grumble.

"You want your usual, honey?" Patti asked.

"No, I'll start with the cheesecake and take a menu, please."

“Bad day, huh?” She laughed, “take a seat at the counter, you can talk to me whilst I work.”

You smiled at the sweet old woman who'd become a good and close friend to you and Andy over the years. With a nod, you found an empty seat at the corner of the counter and perused the menu. It wasn't like you didn’t know it from cover to cover already, but you were so indecisive that you needed a gander.

Patti dropped the cold slice of cheesecake in front of you and you practically drooled out of your mouth. The warm blueberry compote sat off to the side as you usually preferred to dip your bites in it but this time, you dumped the whole little ramekin over the delicious and rich treat.

"I think I want the patty melt on the marble rye with onion rings and blue cheese." You ordered. "And a soda water with lime!"

Patti chuckled, "that all, honey?"

You nodded. You didn't even particularly like blue cheese dressing, you were a ranch kind of girl, and the only blue cheese you typically preferred was the crumbles in your charcuterie or in your walnut salad. But it spoke to you today, so that was what you were having.

You made small talk with Patti in between her serving other patrons and sorting your order. And when she placed in in front of you, you noticed there were far more onion rings on the side than in a usual portion.

"Thanks, Patti." You sighed.

“You look fed up, my dear.”

"You know, I don't know. We have this temp that's taking Eva's spot, she came highly recommended and now I'm starting to see why." You rolled your eyes heavily.

“Boobs?” Pattie arched a brow and you snorted, almost choking on the onion ring you’d just taken a bite of.

"Big bolt ons. And definitely fillers in her lips and cheeks. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if her ass was fake."

“You can buy fake asses?” Patti looked at you, “damned I’m outta the loop.”

"You can buy anything these days," you shrugged, tucking into your hot melt with the grilled onions and fresh rye bread.

“Not happiness, sweetie.” The older lady said wisely, “can have all the money or fake boobs in the world, won’t make you happy unless you wanna be.”

As you pondered her words, for the first time in ages your mind flicked to Ransom. He was a prime example of what she was saying, he had more money than he knew what to do with and he'd been an inherently unhappy, albeit sadistic and evil, bastard.

Exhaling loudly, you reached for the glass on the counter. "Amen to that," you sipped your soda.

"How's Mr. B?"

“Andy’s Andy.” You gave her a raise of your brow, “working hard but he’s good.”

"Should pack up some lunch for him? Maybe that club sandwich he's been turned onto lately, with the potato salad?" Patti offered.

"Nope, he's got other plans, I'm sure he'll figure it out." You could help but lace a little irritation into your words.

"Alright," she smiled softly. "I've got to check on some tables, holler if you need anything."

You’d finished your meal by the time she came back. You asked her to box some of that cheesecake up for a mid-afternoon snack and once you’d paid and left your usual tip, you headed back to the office. After you deposited your cheesecake in the fridge, you topped up your mug of coffee and made your way to your desk.

“You’re ten minutes over your allotted time.” Mandy called to you as you passed her open office door.

You grit your teeth, “knock it off the extra hour I worked when I got home last night.”

"Is that allowed?"

"I'm salary, it shouldn't be of concern."

“Look, Y/N, I know you were in the running to take over from Eva, and this must piss you off they gave the job to someone else, but-“

“I was…who told you that?” You raised your brow as you looked at her.

"No one, I figured it out.” She smugly popped a shoulder.

"For your information, I did get overlooked, I turned it down. Andy and I just got married last month and we had a lot to plan. It didn’t seem like the right time, Amanda."

“Right,” she looked at you a little sceptically, before she stood up and smoothed down her dress, “either way, you’re extremely hostile towards me. It’s not productive for a healthy working relationship.”

You licked your teeth behind your upper lip, and clenched your jaw. "Sorry you feel that way. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do."

You headed back to your desk and flopped into your chair with a groan. Amber looked over at you and gave you a little smirk. You rolled your eyes before you unlocked your computer and opened your emails.

You were engrossed in responding to one regarding a potential law student coming to shadow one of the partners for a day, when Andy poked his head into your office.

“Honey?”

"Yep?" You didn't even look up.

“You wanna grab a coffee?”

"Just topped off," you continued to type. “And besides, I was ten minutes late back from lunch, and that’s an issue. Apparently.”

"Oh Angel," he softly chuckled.

“What?” You looked up at him.

"You're fiesty today, honey. I like it." He leaned on your desk. "C'mon, I want to take my wife down for some coffee in the break room. If Amanda has anything to say about it, she can speak to me."

“Oh I’m sure she’d love that.”

"Okay, I'm not getting anywhere with this, I see." Andy sighed, "Can I at least get you a snack?"

“I got cheesecake in the fridge from Patti’s, no thanks.”

“You went to Patti’s?”

"Yep." You sent your email and sighed, sitting back.

Andy took a deep breath, before he perched on the edge of your desk. “What’s goin’ on?”

"Nothing. I just don't..." You gave a sigh. "I..." You stopped. "I don't like her, she's very in your business." You emphasized the 'your' in reference to him.

“She’s…certainly in your face, I’ll give you that,” Andy smirked at little, his eyes crinkling at the side. But you failed to find the humour, because really, was there any?

"Andy.... I just need to finish this, okay? I'll see you later."

Andy took a deep breath. “Alright, but do me a favor, huh?”

"What?"

“Leave that attitude in here when you come home tonight,” He arched his brow as he stood up off your desk.

You glared, "Sure."

With a final sigh and roll of his eyes he left, not bothering to look back.

You outright growled as you looked back at your screen and then glanced at Amber who was politely glancing down at her work.

A snide sound came by your desk. "Trouble in newlywed paradise?"

“Fuck off,” the words fell from your mouth before you could stop them.

"I think you should the rest of the day, work from home. We'll discuss your outburst and behavior tomorrow." Mandy folded her arms.

“You know what, no, we won’t. Because I won’t be back tomorrow. I’m done,” you spat as your stood up and slammed your laptop shut.

You grabbed your things and headed for the elevator. The absolute audacity of this woman. You had half a mind to call Eva, or march up to Ron's office and say something. Instead, you stormed straight for your car, throwing your bags into the back before you drove home, angry tears pricking your eyes.

You assumed Amber had called up to Andy's office or gone to see him as he was calling you as you pulled right into the garage of your condo. You ignored his call and stormed in, foregoing even taking your bag in. But your anger ebbed away as your baby boy came bounding to meet you, his tail wagging, little whimpers escaping his mouth.

“I’m sorry, Grant, I hate leaving you but the wicked witch of the west is allergic to dogs so you can’t come anymore,” you fussed him as you let him out to go do his business, “kinda ironic seeing as she’s a massive bitch.” You grumbled as you closed the door. You kicked off your shoes then checked the note from the dog walker who said she’d been in and done three miles before giving Grant a treat and settling him back down. You cracked your neck from side to side, let Grant back in and then headed upstairs to change.

You were generously willing to skip editing the brief you had to work on and finish your emails however, given there was a press release due and case inquiries to finish and forward to case management, you changed into your comfies and retreated back to the Jeep in the garage for your work bag.

You settled yourself at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, a large mug of camomile tea by your side, Grant playing with one of his squeaky toys as he sprawled on the couch. Not even an hour into your work and a second cup of tea, Andy came barrelling in to the kitchen through the garage side door.

“What the hell, Y/N?” He blurred out before he’d even shut the door behind him, “I had Amanda in the office before, with Ron, telling us you told her to fuck off and then stormed out?”

"Sure as shit did, and I don't care."

“Jesus Christ what has gotten into you today?” He shrugged off his jacket and tossed it over the chair next to you, before pulling his tie loose with an angry tug.

"You, Amanda... work," you shouted. "Don't think I don't catch her little comments or the way she looks at you over her stupid fake prescription glasses and those bolt on tits that come through the door hours before her head does." You stood with fervour.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Andy frowned, his palm resting on the surface of the counter by your computer.

You snorted, cleared your throat and put on a fake, airey voice. "Oh Andy, you're so funny..." You touched his bicep. "I'll have that report to you first thing. Anything you need, Andy, anything you need Ron."

“That’s what this is about? Some bimbo flirting with me? For fucks sake, Y/N, we’re married!”

"You think I don't realize that, Andrew? And she as shit does but she doesn’t care. And I'm sorry, but I sorta don't see you doing anything to stop it. You nor Ron.”

“Because I didn’t think it’s a big deal!” Andy shook his head giving a frustrated laugh, “people flirt, I’ve seen guys do it with you. That damned waiter in the restaurant on our last night of our honeymoon was blatantly doing his best to get you to smile at him, but you know what? I don’t care! I trust you, I’m secure enough in our relationship to know that it doesn’t matter, because you come home to me!”

"Oh, you think I don't trust you? Jesus Christ, seriously? You're the only fucking person I do trust."

“I never said that.” Andy shook his head. “I’m just trying to understand why she in particular has got you so bent out of shape. Honey, this isn’t like you!”

You breathed fiercely through your nose. The truth of it was, you didn't know. It had to be fierce PMS. Since coming off your birth control before your wedding, you were all over the place in terms of mood and energy. You knew it was due to that and your busy work schedule. It had nothing to Andy, or even Amanda, Mandy or whatever the hell she wanted to be called.

“Honey, talk to me.”

You felt the emotions bubble.

“Oh, Angel…” Andy sighed when he saw your face crumple, “c’mere.”

You cried into his shoulder as his big, broad arms and chest wrapped around you. Your make up smearing over his white shirt. His wide hand carded through your hair.

He softly rocked you to and fro, his lips pressing to your temple. “Shhh, come on. It’s okay. Whatever it is we can work it out.”

"I don't know what it is. This is just... She's awful and it's so childish to even admit. I want to tell Eva but I'm not bothering her with this. I don't want to go to Ron and it's hardly fair I tell you, professionally, that is."

“You can tell me anything,” he shook his head, “professionally, personally or otherwise. Don’t think that.”

You took a deep breath and stilled yourself. "I'm sorry, Jesus Christ, how embarrassing. I have never felt like this, well since…she just makes me feel like shit."

Andy lightly chuckled with a sigh, "It's barely been a month, honey. She's here for at least two more."

“Can I take a sabbatical?”

Andy laughed as he stepped back and cupped your cheeks, “what is it about her, bar the tits and teeth and her tactile nature that grinds your gears?”

You snorted, “grinds my gears, you sound like my dad!”

"Well, he's nearly as old as I."

“Shut up.”

He flicked a brow. “So? You gonna tell me?”

“She’s lazy, she sits in that office all day making calls and filing her nails. Me and Amber have been keeping it all afloat, I might have well taken the job up to cover for Eva after all. I've been checking all the work and stuff before it comes up to the partners. She doesn’t even read it on her desk, but she’s happy to take the plaudits. Although, I guarantee she would be just as happy to throw me under the bus if it was wrong. And she touches things that don’t belong to her.”

Andy understood that reference. He gave a little chuckle and cupped your face. "Oh Angel. I love you."

“I wasn’t just talking about you,” you pouted slightly, “she steals my coffee.”

“Not the specialty roast from Patti!”

“Yup.”

“What a bitch.” Andy shook his head dramatically

Then it occurred to you, "God damn it I forgot my fucking cheesecake."

“Yeah, she’s probably eaten that too.”

“Andy!”

"I'm serious, honey." He chuckled. "Look, why don't you go run a bath, I'll pick us up some dinner from that dumpling house that just opened and be back. And I'll bring you back a cheesecake for the rest of the week."

“I want some tonight.”

"Clearly, but I meant a whole one for us. I'm going to tell Ron I'm working from home, a come down from the trial, and you're going to take a sick day. We're going to watch trash tv and lounge on the couch."

"I have so much work to do."

"And you have a boss who can and should be doing it for you." Andy arched a brow, “and she’ll have to if you’re not there. Let her drown for the day, show herself up.”

"Anyone tell you that you can be exceptionally sneaky at times?”

He squinted as if thinking about it, "a time or two," he smirked.

“I love it,” you grinned, “okay, I’ll go take a bath. Oh, can you ask Pattie to put plenty of the compote on it?”

At that he frowned, “really? You normally take it on the side, you always say too much makes it too sweet?”

“Yeah, but I had it all at lunch and it was so good.”

He chuckled, "Alright, Angel, compote, got it."

After finally giving Grant the attention he was waiting for the minute Andy came home, he left to get dinner and you headed up for a bath, a chilled white wine in your hand. You filled the tub with oils and bubbles and slipped in with the daylight slowly creeping away. It was near summer and the Colorado spring was beautiful outside your bathroom window.

You made a mental note to tell Andy that when you found your dream home, you wanted a tub with a view. Maybe you could start looking tomorrow, use your “sick of tits and teeth” day to start checking out the realtor websites.

You smirked and nodded at yourself, yep, that sounded good.

********************

Andy was highly amused by the events of the early evening as he left the dumpling place and headed for Patti's. He'd never seen you like that before. Sure, there were times of heightened emotions lately but good God today had been chaos. He understood you were under a heavy workload but he hadn't realized it was so much so as both he and the partners assumed Amanda was doing the job Eva brought her in for.

He didn’t like seeing you upset or put on, but he couldn’t help but chuckle a little at the way your anger had manifested. Telling your temporary boss to ‘fuck off’ was a pretty good way of making your feelings known.

With that in mind, he’d called Ron on his way to collect dinner and explained what had gone down. His boss has groaned and simply ranted on about this being the reason he wanted you to take the role in the first place. And Andy was inclined to agree, however you’d both had that discussion and whilst Eva’s official maternity leave was only planned to be four months, she had a full three others to take at half pay if she so required. And then it was likely she would come back part time to start with. With that in mind, given that you were trying for a family of your own, you’d both decided it would be best to bring someone else in.

Ron apologized for not catching things quicker and vowed to be more vigilant. Then he wondered if you and Andy were still coming up for dinner on Saturday and Andy affirmed you were and no doubt you and Giselle would have plenty to gossip about given the events of the week. Ron laughed and at that, he'd ended the call with a promise to sort it out.

Andy headed into Patti's and stood at the counter, waiting for someone to come help when the woman herself poked her head out of the back room and came to his assistance.

“Mr Barber, I’m surprised to see you here,” she chuckled.

“Andy, Patti, come on!” He chuckled.

The woman chuckled, "What can I get for you, Andy?"

“Just a cheesecake, Y/N left hers in the office and she’s hankering for some more. Plus I didn’t get any today either.”

Patti laughed, “you know, I’m surprised that wife of yours has any room for food after what she ate at lunch.”

"What do you mean?"

"She chowed down on a slice before lunch, then had a patty melt and onion rings with blue cheese dressing." Patti laugh, "and she skipped the Coke and went for a soda water. Heck, even dumped her blueberries all over her slice. She must not be feeling well. Sweet girl."

Andy let out a chuckle, “she had a bad morning, clearly felt like a blow out.”

"I'll say! I was jealous she put it away like she did, lovely figure like that." Patti laughed. "Tell you what, tonight it's on the house. I'll go get it and box it up."

“No, Patti that’s-“

“Hush, I insist, I owe you.”

“What for?”

“Well, you know that nice man I was talking to at your wedding?”

“Dave? Our office maintenance guy?”

“Yup, well, he’s taking me to dinner tomorrow.”

“You sly, little minx!” Andy grinned.

"I'm in my sixties, Andy, this bag of bones can't hold out much longer."

“Oh hush, you’re fitter than me. And I bet there’s plenty of life left in ya,” He winked as she swatted at him with her dishcloth.

"You offering?" She joked. "I can put ya over my knee there, son."

“Don’t tempt me with a good time.”

With a laugh, Patti pulled a cake from the case and began boxing it up.

"Oh, special request, can you put the compote on top this time?" Andy caught her before Patti closed it up entirely.

“Yup, I’ll give you some extra, I’m at the end of today’s pot so you can take it home, it’ll keep on the fridge for a day or so.”

“Thanks, oh, and also… can I get a bag of your blonde roast?”

"Sure thing, still not paying me though."

“Fine, guess I’ll just…” Andy fished a twenty out of his wallet and folded it up, “leave this here.” He slotted it into the tops jar with his trademark smirk.

"Sly little brat," Patti scoffed, sliding the pink bakery box and coffee on top over to him.

“That’s the second time I’ve been called sneaky today,” Andy laughed, “thanks Patti.”

"Night, Andy."

“Night.” He winked and picked the box abs coffee up, heading to the door. He opened it and paused, turning back. “Oh, and take it easy on Dave. He’s got a bad back…”

A damp dishtowel hit his back as he slipped out of the doors, his loud laughter ringing out against the bell as it opened. He headed to the car, his chuckles still rumbling his chest as he walked, before he let out a sigh.

Dinner and after sorted, plus a replenishment for your stolen coffee had to make you feel better, surely.

He placed the box on the roof of his Audi as he opened the door, before he shook his head. This was typical of you, not wanting to trouble him with worries or stresses, even if they were bad enough to make you want to storm out at lunch and emotional eat.

But the heightened sensitivity was something that tossed his mind a bit. You weren't quick to react, and normally pretty complacent to the office women. Mind you, he supposed it was to be expected, being a little moody and down, especially after the excitement of your wedding and honeymoon. Two glorious weeks in Puerto Rico has ended with a bump when you’d both had to come home.

He recalled the last night with fondness. You’d had a lovely meal, walked back along the beach, sat up drinking and then been drunk enough to order a huge plate of ribs and chicken wings to the room. And of course, the usual argument about blue cheese dressing and ranch has ensued.

He frowned a little, yeah the blue cheese thing was a little odd. You’d vehemently refused it the entire time he’d known you.

With a click of his tongue, he closed his car door and pulled out of the spot. He stopped at a red light on the corner of the high street, his mind straying to the little row of shops opposite. His eye caught the lit advertisement in the window of the children's boutique.

'Stork Sale! 25% off all newborn clothing and essentials!'

And then, just like that, the dots in Andy’s mind joined.

Mood swings, increased appetite, the naps you’d suddenly started taking after work and at weekend, odd food that you’d normally never want. And, to top it off, as he worked through it methodically, you hadn’t had your cycle for a month; he knew that from the fact there had been no usual four or five day break in your sex life. Or the usual few days before hand where you would huddle on the couch in your comfies with a heat pack.

Fuck, were you pregnant?

A car horn sounded behind him and with a curse, he realised the light was green. With an apologetic wave, he set off and drove round the corner, before hankering a sharp left then, ignoring the angry hand gesture that came at his lack of signal.

“Oh, Angel…” he mumbled to himself, the butterflies in his stomach fluttering away as he drove quickly down his revised route.

A childlike grin spread his lips wide and he knew there was just one final stop he had to make, just to be sure.

******

When he got home, you had set the table and poured the wine, waiting for him in a little cami and short set he liked from your honeymoon.

“You were a little longer than I thought.” You smiled at him as he set the familiar link box down on the table, a chuckle escaping you at the sight of the coffee.

"Got caught up."

"I can see," you kissed him softly, hugging the bag to your chest. "Thank you, BB."

"You feel better after your bath?" He wondered, rubbing his hands up and down your bare arms.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, I’ll apologise to Double T when I go back.”

Andy laughed at your coined nickname, “I told Ron we wouldn’t be in. He’s gonna tell Amber and if Mandy asks, it’s a simple none of her business.”

“So, I assume you got caught up talking to Patti?”

“Oh Patti told me a few interesting things. Did you know Maintenance Dave is taking her on a date tomorrow?”

"No shit?"

He chuckled, “she threw a dishcloth at me when I told her to watch his back.”

“Andy!” You laughed as you started to unpack your dinner from the bag. “So, what else? You said a few interesting things.”

"Well I heard all about your lunch," he smirked. "Have you switched dressings on me, honey? You hate blue cheese dressing."

“Yeah that was a little strange but, it tasted good. Maybe I’ve been a little harsh on it.”

At that he laughed, "oh Angel."

"What?" You smirked.

He pulled something from his jacket pocket, "Humor me."

You looked down at the Clear Blue box in his hand and snorted. "No."

“Honey, you came off your pill two weeks before our wedding. That was six weeks ago.” He gave you a significant look as he held out the box.

You stuttered for a moment, incoherently babbling.

“Now I know that you ain’t been sat on the couch, eating chocolate and complaining of cramps since then.”

“Yeah, but… my cycles are gonna be out, my body’s getting used to coming off birth control.”

“Maybe,” he popped a shoulder, “and I could be way off so… do that and then if I am wrong you can come down, call me an idiot and then I’ll let you drink the rest of that wine.”

You glanced down at the box and chewed on the inside of your lip. Then you smirked and smiled, snatching the box from his hands and heading for the bathroom near the garage.

Andy watched you go and busied himself setting out the rest of your dinner before he heard the toilet flush and you came back out.

“Okay, I peed on the stick…” you rolled your eyes as you set it down on the counter top on top of a piece of kitchen roll.

“Clever girl…”

“Oh, fuck off!” You slapped his arm as he laughed, before you reached for a dumpling. You dipped it into one of the pots of sticky soy and hoisin dips before shoving it in your mouth. “God that’s good, I’m so hungry.”

“Eating for two will do that to you."

"Andy," you hushed him. You didn’t want to get your hopes up.

He chuckled as you grabbed another dumpling and shoved it into your mouth.

“Do you really think I am? Already?” You whispered.

"I'd be a little surprised if you weren't."

You bit your lip, “I guess… I mean, we had a lot of sex on our honeymoon so…”

"And after...."

“And after.” You nodded, giggling at the smirk on his face.

The timer he'd set on his phone chirped. It had been the longest yet fastest three minutes of your life and his.

You took a deep breath and turned back, glancing down at the test. Andy watched as you read the result and then without a word you turned, walked past him and grabbed your wine.

“Shit, Angel, look… it doesn’t matter, I’m sorry, I was just so sure-“

“Man, I’m gonna miss you…” You inhaled a deep smell of the wine, and closed your eyes before you opened them, a smile spreading across your face as Andy suddenly registered what you said.

"No, wait, yes? Really?"

“Yeah, really. You were right… I’m… we’re having a baby, Andy.”

"Oh honey, Jesus fahk, I love you so fahking much, Angel." He pulled you close and cried.

You chuckled a little as his arms held you, your own eyes stinging with emotion. “Andy…”

"Yeah, honey?" He pulled back and looked at you, his eyes swimming, so much unsaid in them.

You gently reached up and cupped his face in your hands, fingers tangling in his beard. “I love you, and… I just wanna make sure you’re a hundred percent okay with this. If you’re not and you wanna talk about it, or need some time to… well, to visit Jake, I get it.”

"Oh Y/N," he sputtered, "I want this, oh baby girl, I want this so bad," he nearly sobbed.

Your own tears slipped down your face as he pressed his forehead to yours, “good, me too… I can’t… I mean I thought we’d be trying for a little while at least but…”

"But nothing, we're... Oh fahk, I, we..."

“I know!”

You couldn't even begin to imagine what was going on in his head. You wouldn't even try.

Then, his lips pressed to yours in a deep kiss, your hands still pressed to his cheeks.

“We should eat,” you whispered as he pulled away, his hands taking yours. He pressed a kiss to your wrist.

“Yeah, yeah… dinner.” He nodded, taking a deep breath. “Better feed your both, huh?”

You smiled at him, "and cheesecake?"

“Baby, you can have all the cheesecake you want.”

Reluctantly, Andy let you out of his hold and the pair of you settled down at the table. Andy swapped your wine out for a sparkling water as you both tucked in, both of you now buzzing and shining with your new found knowledge.

It felt different. And how could it not? You were both ecstatic that a mere month post your marriage here you were, already about to start your family.

The pair of you giggled through dinner, Andy constantly touching you in some way or another, often falling quiet as he merely looked at you with a soft expression on his face.

After dinner, the trash was quickly discarded and Grant let out into the yard while Andy fed him. He stood there, lost in his own thoughts about that teeny little life that was currently residing within you, and he felt his heart jump in his chest.

He found himself thinking back to when Laurie had discovered she was pregnant. Unlike this, that had certainly not been planned. A happy surprise, they’d both called it, not an accident. He remembered that feeling of excitement but also absolute terror at the prospect of becoming a father. He was barely out of law school, temping at a local lawyer’s office in hope of getting a break. They’d been living in a small one bed apartment too, in the North End of Boston, completely unprepared. But fuck, it had been worth it, and all his worries had faded the minute he’d held Jake in his arms for the first time.

And, despite everything, he wouldn’t change a single second he’d had with his son.

When he’d left Boston behind, he’d never dreamed he’d meet someone else and get another chance to be a father, and then you’d walked into his life. And here you both were. He was older now, and wiser (he hoped). Financially secure. It was different but every bit as amazing.

And still, scary as hell.

This was his second chance at a moment he never thought to have and he'd be damned if he didn't make a silent promise to you and a vow to himself that he wouldn't fail this time.

“BB?” Your voice broke him from his reverie and he smiled as your arms slipped round him from behind, curling up over his shoulders.

"Yeah?" He whispered, reaching over and wrapping his arm around your neck and head.

“Why don’t you go shower and change? You’re still in your office stuff.”

"Uh, yeah," he said softly.

"Where did you go, BB?"

He took a deep breath, “I was just, thinking about when Laurie found out she was pregnant. I’m sorry, I just…”

"Oh, Andy, it's okay, I mean I... Look at me," she turned him around gently. "I expect you to think about it. I mean this is bigger news for you than it is for me, and I want to respect that."

“It just made me think, you know. How different the circumstances are but how I kinda feel the same. Bar the shock of course because we’ve been trying but… the rest. Excitement, being shit scared… but fuck, honey, I’m so damned happy.”

"I'm happy too, Andy, more than anything. I didn't expect it. Really, I didn't."

“I won’t lie, it’s caught me a little unaware at how fast but,” he chuckled, “there’s a well known saying about not doing the crime if you can’t do the time, so to speak.”

"Andy...”

“Yeah?”

"We're gonna be parents. Like it's not hit yet, really but..." You started to tear up again. "When I was... he wouldn't, he didn't and then I never thought it possible, the scars and I don't... I didn't. Here we are."

“Hey, hey, look at me.” He smiled gently, hands cupping your face. “You did. And you’re right, here we are.”

You took a moment in the stillness to look at him. His bright blue eyes so soft and gentle, piercing the deepest depths of your soul. He held the key to your darkest corners and your brightest days. The tinge of wonderment he held behind unshed tears made you smile softly as you kept his gaze. Your chest was tight and your heart was pounding, your stomach in the happiest of knots. Your hands covered the non-existent bump that soon would swell your belly, big and round. You parted your lips just so a shuttering breath could escape and you whispered, "kiss me, Counsellor."

Without a word, he leaned down and pressed his lips to yours, his kiss tender yet flooded with love and emotion. Your hands slid up his chest, making their way round his neck as his own splayed over your back, holding you to him.”

"Take me to bed, Andy."

His nose bumped yours and he smiled, before he reached up behind his head. His fingers finding yours, he took your hand and with a gentle call to Grant, he led you up the stairs.

Your now fairly well trained pup bounced into his bed in the corner of the room and Andy took a moment to call him a good boy as he settled, before his attention turned back to you.

"I love you, baby," he bent his neck to kiss you, then he fell to his knees, lifting your cami and hooking your shorts down with his first finger. "And I love you, Baby Barber, so damn much." His words were laced with tears as he pressed those bearded lips to your smooth skin.

“BB junior,” you chuckled as your hands gently slid into that day messed floofy hair that was sporting the odd strand of grey throughout.

At that, his hands curled around the waistband of your bottoms and panties and gently pulled them down your legs. You stepped out of them the second they hit the floor. That bearded face watched your own expressions as Andy dragged his whiskers along your smooth inner thigh.

Your lips parted as you took a soft inhale of breath, your eyelashes fluttering against your cheeks as you sighed, your fingers tightening slightly in his hair

"Imma kiss you, Angel," he rasped as he drew close to your slit. You were highly aroused and now you knew why. The source of your moods and heightened sex drive, the explanation of your body sensitivity and why the sex since your wedding night had been just that damn good, not that it wasn't exceptional before.

“Please,” you whispered, a shiver running through your entire body as you watched him. His broad shoulders rippled beneath his white shirt, which was crumpled from the days wear, still tucked into his navy suit slacks, office shoes still on his feet.

"So fahking pretty, honey." He looked up at you and bit that plump bottom lip of his. He teased you with his finger, a thumb pressing into your swollen clit and your legs shook before he'd even gotten started.

With gentle hands that curved around your thighs to your ass, he hiked your left leg over his should and steadied you with his hands against your cheeks as he took to you.

Slow at first, testing your nectar like a butterfly at feeding then he sped forward, increasing the flicks and licks of his tongue like a humming birds wing beat. Your hands curled into his hair as you balanced against him, your head tipping back just so at the pleasure.

Your soft moans mingled with his own little hums of satisfaction as his beard scratched at your sensitive inner thighs. His mouth was soft, warm; it was a contrast that drove you wild.

You must have done something right or tasted something sweet, for every few minutes on deep breaths of air, Andy hummed into you, vibrating your heat and you would whimper.

With gentle fingers, he slid one inside then a second, "oh Angel, you're fahking soaked. So good, honey. You taste so fahking good. I wanna fuck you so bad, baby. So soft and bad."

“I want you to,” you managed to gasp, “please, Andy, need you.”

"Get on the bed, Angel," he choked out, undoing that button down and his slacks.

You did as told, shuffling up and settling yourself back against your pillows as Andy stripped down. His clothes in a heap on the floor by his feet, he crawled up the middle of the bed, settling himself between your legs. He waited a second for you to slip from your cami and toss it aside. His lips were quickly on yours in a deep, languid kiss that made your toes curl as he used one arm to balance, the other hand cupped your face, fingers in your hair at the back of your head. You gently took hold of him and he gasped.

His lips parted, mouth brushing yours as your foreheads pressed together. With a gentle twist of your wrist, you moved your palm up and down his shaft and he gave a choked grunt which caused you to smirk

"You like that, baby?"

“Yeah, fahk…” he groaned as you carried on, your eyes watching his face

"Oh baby," you whispered. "Please, Andy."

You used your hand to guide him to where you wanted him, needed him. As you felt his head brush your folds, you tilted your hips up and with a slow thrust forward, he slid home.

"Oh fahk," you both drawled loudly. His a groan, yours a whimper.

Andy stilled a moment before you again gave a tilt and he took that as his sign to go. He rolled his hips, slow and tenderly, his lips on yours and then your neck, down the hollow of your throat and your sensitive nipples. His hands held yours at your head, gently, lovingly.

It was slow, intimate, the pair of you clinging to one another as Andy kept his languid pace steady.

"My baby mama," he whispered at your ear.

“Oh, fahk…” you spluttered, your voice catching in your throat.

"I'm close," he purred.

“Me…me too…keep talking, Andy, please.”

"Gonna take care of you, take care of our baby," he moaned, "oh Angel, our baby, you're having my baby, honey."

“Andy, oh, Andy… I’m gonna… fuck…” you came with a loud cry, your body trembling beneath his as your legs went stiff, your back arched.

"Yeah, honey," he groaned, increasing his thrusts just a little to chase his end.

By the time you’d regained some vague sense of yourself, Andy’s face was buried into the side of your neck, his breathing deep as he’d reached his own end, triggered by the feel of you pulsing around him.

"Oh beautiful, so beautiful, honey." He spoke into your hair. "I fahking love you so much, Angel." His lips kissed into your skin. And then you heard him give a sob, "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

The realization, you felt, that you were pregnant with his child had finally hit him.

“Oh, Andy.” Your voice cracked as you turned your head to face his. “Baby, look at me.”

That softly crumpled face peered back at you.

“I love you, so much, Andrew Steven Barber.”

He nodded and kissed you, "I love you, Y/F/N Y/M/N Barber. More than you'll ever know."

“Good job, because you’re stuck with me,” you nudged his nose with yours, and then gently took his hand and pressed it to your belly, just above the point where you were both still joined. “With both of us.”

He sputtered a smile, "I'm okay with that."

*****

Chapter 22

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[raysoldblog]

I’ve been seeing a lot of people freak out about Pornhub’s interest in acquiring tumblr worrying it might make the site 18+, and a lot of posts floating around about Pornhub stealing from creators without any further explanation. I did some quick research and wanted to give some context.

Pornhub as a website is owned by the MindGeek company. It’s a shady company alright. It owns may of the most profitable and high-traffic porn streaming websites - nothing wrong with that yet. But - it not only owns the websites where porn is streamed, but also some of the main professional movie studios, basically holding a monopoly on professional mainstream pornography. Here’s the catch: websites such as Pornhub, Youporn, Redtube allow for users to have channels and post videos of their own (much like youtube). Which means, of course, there’s a lot of pirated content going around at any given time, and a lot of it is content of the movie studios MindGeek itself owns. By being lax about removing pirated content, they might effectively be INDIRECTLY getting profit from their movie studios: they get ad revenue thanks to people freely watching the pirated content, and this allows them to underpay the workers on the basis that their stuff doesn’t sell.

Of course, this is what I found out by a quick search. I’m sure porn experts and actors might know more on the policies that are being used right now.

On the brighter side - If I’m not mistaken, Pornhub (and only that one site as far as I’m aware) has been implementing a neat feature for private content creators who can lock up certain content behind a paywall. I don’t know any sex workers who use Pornhub to earn throuh their content so I have no idea how actually good this is for the workers. But if implemented well, this sounds like a good feature.

I hope this was at least mildly informative. I suggest everyone to look up more detailed stuff from verified sources for further reading.

Lastly though, a note about people worrying tumblr banning minors and becoming a desolate porn hellscape. I’m no expert but. Look. MindGeek is a big company. All it wants from what they own, is earn more money than they already have. If they’re interested in buying tumblr, then they’re interested in buying an entire social network website with a pretty big userbase. Banning porn content was enough for tumblr to lose a significant portion of said userbase. Banning minors? Would absolutely wreck it. They wouldn’t do it if they care about earning money (which they do!!) If they think tumblr is profitable, they probably would want to keep it pretty much like it is now. Maybe some new policies, a good safe mode for minors, but. If they wanted another porn website they’d buy one. Tumblr is a social network. Oh and also. MindGeek might be terrible but. Probably any other company big enough to be able to afford tumblr is probably also going to be super problematic. Google, Amazon, Facebook ALL have had big scandals about their policies, and those are just the big names. It’s capitalism, babey. Whoever will own tumblr will probably still be a big piece of shit.

[dommedesu]

I hope so.. Every time I find someone I think it will work with she just see's me as a sub and leaves me on "read" all the time and never reciprocates my feelings and I end up sad as fuck watching them date someone else and never consider me or my feelings and how I felt about being treated that way, I just wish I could find the dynamic I crave... a loving woman who adores me and my willful submission :( but I am looked down on and with contempt. I am so fucking depressed :(

Well, this derailed quickly from asking you guys sending me your sexual fantasies.

I know it can be frustrating, we’ve all been through that, but imma stop you right there buddy because this is heading into some r/niceguys zone.

Nobody owes you anything. Just because you’ve found somebody who has the qualities you look for, doesn’t mean you have the qualities they look for. 

If you hit up Dommes in a D/s context, of course they’re going to consider you a sub. You wouldn’t go on YouPorn to watch a Disney movie, would you? 

If they leave you on read, it’s because they don’t want to further fuel the situation. It’s better that than continue talking to you even though they’re not interested, right? That way they’re not wasting your time and you can move on to searching for another Domme. 

You can’t even imagine the sheer amount of assholes we have to deal with everyday that are just like “hey you’re a Domme, I’m a sub and I messaged you and said something nice. You owe me some dirty stuff and attention!”. Dommes are very mistreated here on Tumblr, we’re just considered some sort of fleshlight in a written form for a bunch of horny strangers who try to get us to type something lewd for them so they can beat their meat whilst reading it and go to sleep.We get fucking 0 out of it, and whenever we receive a new message we dread what kind of timewasting loser will it be this time. 

So please, I know it can be depressing but DO NOT blame it on us. 

[gayhardmens82]

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[tradecryptocoin-blog]

The Next Porn: How to design a service without having money

The Next Porn: How to design a service without having money

A few months ago I came up with the idea of creating a service that would give users the exact porn they needed. Whether it was just being uploaded to a service like Youporn or Tumblr or being a specific channel on Reddit. A link collector. This service is now online on thenextporn.com.

Problem

My challenge, like every challenge of a startup, in addition to learning new technologies, was to make…

[malenudism]

How come straight guys watch homoerotica

Gay porn is astonishingly popular with straight Guys, Based on a latest analyze.

While you may not hope boy on boy action for being successful among a hetero male demographic, research by Youporn tells a powerful tale of straight fellas finding their kicks from seeing exact same-intercourse couples get it on. sexy nude men

In keeping with Youporn, a whopping 23 per cent of time, straight Gentlemen look at gay porn and 39 p.c of enough time, self-determining straight women choose to view gay porn far too.

Perhaps additional confusingly, 24 p.c of “straight” Guys have really had gay sexual intercourse, whilst 36 % of “straight” women have experienced sexual intercourse with An additional woman, based on the study.

So why could possibly straight Gentlemen watch gay porn? We questioned Radio one’s resident sexpert, Alix Fox, alongside a raft of wellness experts, ranging from Medical professionals to wellbeing coordinators, for his or her thoughts.

Turns out you'll find 3 principal reasons…

one. Rebelling versus gender stereotypes

A single argument is that same-intercourse associations are aspirational as they don’t abide by standard gender stereotypes.

“Folks in exact-sexual intercourse couples normally are more equitable inside the ways in which they allocate domestic do the job, which include childcare,” say Francisco Perales and Janeen Baxter within the College of Queensland.

“It’s exciting that a significant range of straight Males look at gay porn since it would seem so not likely,” clarifies Health practitioner Sam Miles, social science researcher at London School of Hygiene & Tropical Drugs.

Nevertheless, he reasoned: “If you concentrate on it, there’s no purpose why they wouldn’t. Some gay Males check out straight porn, so it mustn't arrive as a shock that the reverse may also be correct. It stands to explanation that some of these Guys want a special ‘flavour’ at times”.

A broader tide of openness and acceptance, coupled Together with the #MeToo motion also signifies “some straight Guys may possibly locate the way that Women of all ages are handled in straight porn demoralising”, states Doctor Sam Miles.

“Gay porn tends to possess a considerably less evident electricity imbalance involving actors” and offers a fresh new standpoint.

Doctor Martin J. Downing, a research scientist for Community Wellness Answers, also reckons straight-pinpointing men view gay porn to modify factors up.

“One particular’s sexual identification would not often mirror his or her sexual attractions and encounters,” he said.

“Some heterosexual-discovered men could expertise sexual arousal through the homosociality or patterns of male bonding (which includes BDSM) inherent to gay male pornography”.

“It is vital to note that the sort of porn you look at doesn’t establish your sexuality,” insisted Ruby Stevenson, schooling and wellbeing coordinator at Brook.

“There’s such a large variety of porn accessible that it’s no wonder consumers are switching up their viewing routines and looking at many different content material”.

In keeping with Ruby, straight Males look at gay porn because they are merely becoming inquisitive. “Watching many different porn is usually a wholesome way for people today to discover fantasies devoid of or ahead of they examine a little something in genuine life,” notes Ruby.

Alix Fox, sexual wellness pro for BBC Radio one and ambassador for 1 condoms and Brook young people’s sexual health charity, told PinkNews: “I’ve dropped rely of the number of queries I’ve received from straight-identifying Males who’ve been viewing gay porn and therefore are bewildered in regards to the implications that may have regarding their sexuality”.

2. Straight Males watch gay porn to see what other male bodies seem like

Gay sex

Straight Males also uncover solace in fantasising about being with A different gentleman even whenever they aren’t gay, because of the curiosity derived within the close platonic bonds among Adult men.

Dr Sam Miles instructed PinkNews: “Gay porn tends be based upon a narrative of hypermasculinity – frequently quite ‘manly’, muscular Adult males – which could possibly appeal to straight Males as an intriguing and different form of sexual marriage to whatever they normally see inside their frequent porn.”

Alix Fox agrees. “Gay porn offers a easy, discreet way to look at what Others are packing,” she described.

“Loads of Adult men uncover it compelling – and maybe reassuring – to give you the option privately just take their time examining a variety of other dudes’ body forms and genitalia way too.

“Many people speculate no matter if their particular dangly ballsack/circumcision scar/twink bod is ‘regular’, nevertheless it’s not noticed as socially acceptable to closely study other Males’s sections in public cases”.

3. Some straight-identifying Males are literally gay or curious

The Place of work of National Statistics (ONS) stated in 2017 that the volume of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender men and women in the UK experienced strike one million for The very first time. A landmark figure for your community, the superior – but not substantial sufficient – determine also tells a sadder tale.

Several LGBTQ+ men and women are closeted and viewing gay porn in non-public. The actual quantity of gay people in Britain is probably going being ten p.c, claims the Kinsey report.

Relevant: This Tumblr hack can make it super effortless to look for porn with your phone

Stonewall asserted: “It is also crucial to recognise the context of this sort of investigation… Though individuals may possibly sense relaxed answering an anonymous study, They could battle to open up about their id with mates, spouse and children or colleagues.”

Alix Fox is campaigning for an finish to “deceptive” and “extremely binary” distinctions involving heterosexual and homosexual

“I sometimes joke that With regards to sexuality, The majority of us sit somewhere within the perineum… the delightfully fuzzy House among two more unique locations!

“Some Adult men may well legitimately drop into these kinds of camps as ‘Straight, but also gets off on looking at two bears barebacking’, or ‘Inclined toward building really like with girls, but Possibly wouldn’t say no to your BJ from a bloke.’

“For the proportion, Indeed: viewing gay porn could indicate a repressed or hitherto unexplored component in their sexual identification”.

“However , you know what will be great for all those Adult males, even though, in all Those people situation? Continued operate to eliminate the unwarranted disgrace and stigma that sadly continue to surrounds gay, bisexual, curious and queer identities and pursuits.

“Whatsoever a straight-determining male feels when he watches gay material, he mustn't experience ashamed.”

[theconservativebrief]

Pornhub has 80 million daily users and more pornographic videos than any other site in the history of the internet, and now it wants to be Playboy.

More specifically, what Playboy was in the ’90s. “A lifestyle brand, a fashion brand,” explains Alex Katz, co-founder of the Madrid-based creative agency Officer & Gentleman, which has been leading the brand strategy for Pornhub for the past four years.

Co-founder Javi Iñiguez jumps in: “The girls were wearing sweatshirts and purses with the Playboy bunny even though they might not have seen a Playboy magazine in their lives.”

Fair enough. Who doesn’t want the cultural clout of Hugh Hefner, literally everything else about Hugh Hefner aside?

It may be a small shock to discover that Pornhub even has a brand strategy, but it makes sense. The company has spent the past several years doing what anybody would do once they become superrich: buying their way to coolness. And, by extension, buying their way to women, whom the company has historically had a hard time appealing to.

I mean, who doesn’t see the connection between lifestyle brands and chicks?

Pornhub’s first website launched in 2007 and was acquired by the MindGeek conglomerate in 2010, at which time it merged with YouPorn, RedTube, and Xtube to become the Pornhub network. From there, it easily consolidated power to become the biggest porn distribution platform ever, but its new challenge was to become a brand that anyone would talk about out loud, and just maybe, someday, wear on a T-shirt.

Models from the ’90s-inspired Playboy fashion line launched last year by Joyrich. Joyrich

In 2014, the network held a contest asking advertising and creative professionals to submit concepts for safe-for-work, PG-13 Pornhub ads that could run in traditional media spots. The move was a reaction to a year of mainstream misses and only two hits: In 2013, Pornhub finagled a centerpiece montage (with clips handpicked by VP Corey Price) in the heart of the porn-focused Joseph Gordon-Levitt rom-com Don Jon. It also nabbed dozens of headlines in outlets from BuzzFeed to SBNation when CBS refused to air a 20-second, completely innocuous ad spot during the Super Bowl. By the time anyone bothered to point out that Super Bowl ads are only sold in 30-second increments, the scam had done its work.

Thanks to the contest, Pornhub buddied up with both Officer & Gentleman and Vendetta Studios, an LA-based viral video production house headed by Dave Lehre — an anxiety-inducing internet personality best known for one of the first viral YouTube clips, “MySpace: the movie,” and more recently for an elaborate stunt in which he fashioned himself into “the first white American K-pop star.”

For Pornhub, Lehre made a litany of viral videos, mostly ads for Pornhub’s new product releases: a VPN service, a “BaDoink” VR headset, a $1,000 robotic twerking butt, and so on.

“Make the brand accessible to the world” was the brief, Lehre says. Make it PG-13; make it live on YouTube; make it shareable. “When we came in, it was all potential. Nobody had tapped the power of Pornhub.” He pauses. “Damn, that sounds epic.”

Officer & Gentleman’s first projects were also tech-related: videos for a cryptocurrency called Titcoin and a (real) piece of wearable tech that would recharge your phone while you masturbated. It was called Wankband. At Christmastime last year, noting the success of gift cards for streaming services like Spotify and Netflix, they started selling Pornhub Premium gift cards. “We thought it would be the perfect Secret Santa present at workplaces and stuff like that,” Iñiguez says.

(Please don’t give a Pornhub Premium gift card to anyone you work with.)

So, is Pornhub … a tech company? “Depends who you ask,” Katz says, though he seems uninterested in the proposition. “But I think the brand … it’s an entertainment company. You don’t see anyone wearing Facebook shirts because they’re cool.”

Right, right. Cool, we’re doing cool here.

“[In online porn], everyone has the same product, so the only way you can differentiate yourself is by building a brand,” Katz explains. “We only want to create advertising that can go viral.” That means safe-for-work content. “[Pornhub] has enough porn; they need content that’s shareable.”

“Everything has to go viral,” Iñiguez points out. So you throw a lot of shit at the wall to see what sticks. The list of what Pornhub has not been willing to try in the past four years would probably be more expedient, but here we are.

It launched its own lube brand, then the world’s largest lube slide. (One of Lehre’s projects, of which he says, “They didn’t come to set, they just said ‘Oh, we have these 5-gallon drums of lube we can send over.’ We got this huge slide. They sent all these porn stars to hang out and slide down it. That was a magic day.”)

“[In online porn], everyone has the same product, so the only way you can differentiate yourself is by building a brand”

At one point, the company started a record label and hosted music video premieres for California rapper Mykki Blanco and Michigan metal band King 810. It hosted a porn film festival in New York, featuring soft-core entries from Miley Cyrus and James Franco. It made an “adult adult coloring book” featuring X-rated sketches from Instagram and Tumblr artists, which it then sold exclusively at the Think Tank Gallery in LA, Verso Books in Milan, and the menswear boutique Off the Hook in Montreal. It launched a line of sex toys, then commissioned Spanish electro-pop band Perlita to create a song from sex toy noises.

The high-end Italian denim company Diesel became the first fashion brand to advertise on a porn site in January 2016, kicking off a much-covered official partnership with Pornhub. Creative director Nicola Formichetti told Dazed, “We all go on websites like Pornhub, you know? So before you start jerking off maybe you can stop and look at our new pants.” For New York Fashion Week in 2017, Hood by Air sent a Pornhub-inspired line down the runway (models wore their hair stylized as if it were coated in semen, and jackets reading “HUSTLER” and “NEVER TRUST A CHURCH GIRL”).

In September that year, the New York streetwear brand Richardson announced a capsule collection featuring Pornhub-branded hoodies, hats, swimsuits, jackets, and T-shirts — one featuring porn actress, poet, and Pornhub spokesperson Asa Akira, and another featuring the flags of countries in which Pornhub is banned. Two months later, the New York outerwear brand Moose Knuckles debuted a limited-edition Pornhub bomber jacket that was sold through the Rihanna-blessed SoHo streetwear staple VFILES.

VFILES is also beloved by Pornhub’s most important woman: Kim Kardashian.

Last summer, the team stopped by the De Re Gallery in Los Angeles for “Make Me Famous,” the first exhibition by “professionally provocative” Instagram-famous twins Allie and Lexi Kaplan — just to pick up a painting of the Kim Kardashian–Ray J sex tape, which is now prominently displayed in the company’s LA office.

Pornhub loves Kim. When she was robbed at gunpoint later that year, Pornhub offered $50,000 “in exchange for information leading to [the] arrest and conviction of criminals who robbed Kim Kardashian.” The press release said that everyone at Pornhub was “deeply saddened” by the “horrible incident,” and reminded the world that Kim Kardashian’s sex tape with Ray J “remains the most viewed video on Pornhub with 110,198,725 views and counting.”

“We consider her to be a member of the Pornhub family,” Pornhub VP Corey Price tells Vox. “As such, we wanted to extend a helping hand and do all that we could to help bring the wrongdoers to justice.” Ultimately, the police didn’t need Pornhub’s help, but it’s a nice gesture. The video now has more than 143 million views!

Pornhub hosted a sci-fi art installation in LA’s De Re Gallery last summer. Maggie West/Pornhub

This June, the company sponsored an elaborate sci-fi art installation at the LA nightclub Union — handing the reins over to LA photographer and activist Maggie West (best known for her “Fluid” series, containing abstract images of blood, saliva, and semen) and New York artist Ryder Ripps (best known for creating the branding for Soylent and using the Ace Hotel’s artist residency to hire two Craigslist sex workers for a widely-reviled project called “ART WHORE”).

Then it partnered with the editorial arm of luxury fashion seller SSENSE to produce an avant-garde photo shoot and literary companion essay called “The Data of Desire,” using Pornhub analytics to figure out which sneaker brands are most fetishized in porn. (Converse, Nike, Adidas, Vans, and Yeezy, in that order.)

Then last month, Kanye West told Jimmy Kimmel he “still looks at Pornhub” and the company reached out via Twitter to offer him a lifetime subscription to Pornhub Premium. Two weeks later, he was serving as creative director for the first annual Pornhub Awards in Los Angeles, which were reportedly a disaster but came off, anyway, as a major coup.

West debuted a new music video featuring the currently incarcerated Lil Pump at the awards and brought G.O.O.D. Music signee Teyana Taylor along to perform. He dressed porn stars in the latest Yeezy collection (when he bothered to dress them at all) and arranged them onstage to accept futuristic-dildo-shaped award statues he also supposedly designed. The next day, he announced a line of Yeezy sweatshirts featuring the night’s winners, including “Nicest Tits” honoree Kendra Sunderland and “Hottest Female Ass” honoree Mia Malkova.

“Where do these [partnership] decisions come from?” Katz parrots back to me. “Well, we can’t be in mainstream spaces, so we become this outsider brand that’s doing out-there things. That’s what attracts these other brands like Richardson and Yeezy. Pornhub has an outsider quality that draws people to them.”

Here’s the rub (sorry): Per Pornhub’s own data, as of December 2017, just 26 percent of the site’s users are women.

This is not really a problem, as what Iñiguez pointed out is true: Girls didn’t have to read Playboy to buy the clothes. But it is kind of a problem, mostly because women make up a large share of the people on earth, and Pornhub has basically nowhere to go within the demographic it already serves.

So far, Pornhub has tried selling Mother’s Day–specific cardboard VR headsets, publishing site traffic insights from the day of the 2017 Women’s March, and weighing in on International Women’s Day to announce that it would change the “female-friendly” tag on its site to “popular with women.” It also pointed out that searches for Amy Schumer rose 513 percent in tandem with her Instagram post about the holiday.

“More than ever before, women are coming forward to express their desires more openly,” Price says. “And we want to provide resources to support that.”

So, this January, Pornhub debuted “F*ck Your Period.”

“There are two types of women: women who have sex on their period and women who don’t,” Katz tells me. “It’s 49 [percent] to 51,” (based on an informal Pornhub survey of its female users). With that, uh, fact in mind, Pornhub launched a campaign with the goal of explaining the health benefits of having an orgasm during your period. It made its own period calendar app and encouraged women to fill it out so that each month, they would receive a free login code for Pornhub Premium for the duration of their period. “[The goal was] to get girls to experiment with Pornhub for the first time in case they hadn’t,” Katz says. “Pornhub is a sex-friendly, female-friendly company.”

Pornhub’s cryptocurrency launch in New York. Officer & Gentleman

Yet the campaigns aimed at women are rarely the ones that blow up. In March, the site started accepting cryptocurrency as payment and had models stroll through the Financial District in Pornhub-branded ski masks, tossing plastic coins and licking the Wall Street bull’s balls. This worked: It got press.

The following month, Pornhub launched a program called “The Visionaries Director’s Club” with the aim of “[diversifying] porn production” and gave rapper Young M.A. a budget to write and produce her own pornographic short film. The company described the film in a press release, writing that it would appeal to “our progressive generation,” and adding, “While high production level lesbian content is often clearly created with the male gaze in mind, M.A’s debut film is authentic and genuine to her taste profile.”

Last month, it gave a similar budget to pansexual singer and rapper Brooke Candy, who wrote of her film, “We had the most next level crew of fine artists from all over the world and the cast of actors that I chose really had an inner beauty which they unleashed on film. It’s queer, it’s sex-positive and it’s super-hot.” This didn’t work — it got no press. But the data says that female usership of Pornhub grows every year, Price points out. So it’s fine.

As a woman who menstruates, did I know that orgasms make period cramps less painful and bleeding cycles shorter? I mean, as a woman who drinks water, did I know it keeps my organs running?

Pornhub’s brand strategy is elaborate, multifaceted, funny, and cool. It’s also as simple as a bunch of straight boys chasing what straight boys so often chase: a projection of ease and edge that makes them appealing to other boys like them, and a veneer of caring that they hope will grant them an in with women.

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Original Source -> Pornhub wants to be a lifestyle brand

via The Conservative Brief

[mayorgalvan]

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