#try to call me and my friends out at an all staff meeting yesterday with a completely fabricated anecdote

[zodiacsea]

i need more things to complain about today i need to exercise my hater muscles

[tiyoin]

parents day shenanigans

ep 1: trey’s mom tries playing match maker

it being parents weekend at nrc and you’re helping your friends / the staff in preparing and you noticed several different parents just… staring at you. they’re not discreet either😭

you see some students fighting their parents- like physically fighting them as they’re pushing their son in your direction 😭 you catch one of the students gaze, and smile at them, sending them a polite wave as you make your exit.

this doesn’t stop though.

the more time that goes by and the busier you get, the more families filter in. the more younger siblings of your peers seem to scream your name before a quick slap to their mouth keeps them quiet.

you’ve told grim about this and all he says is that he should start paying them to take pictures with you AND grin the great. you chuckle as you kneel to the ground. opening a small duffel bag crowley armed you with, you start mixing around for a bottle of water.

why’d crowley have to pick the hottest day of the season for family day. curses.

“you’re y/n, right?” suddenly a shadow blocked the beating sun from your crouched form. the voice, for once, was feminine, it was soft and flowy. clearing your throat, you began to turn around “yes, that’s me” looking up at the rather petite woman, you noted her kind smile and rosy cheeks.

though there was a bit of… something in her golden gaze that you couldn’t quite place. it reminded you of a hawk, yet it didn’t have the same intensity as the bird of prey’s. slightly guarded of the mystery woman, you began to stand, dusting off the dirt on your uniform pants.

“grim you mind getting me a bottle of water from the duffel” “uh, yeah i do mind” he huffed, turning his nose up. but you didn’t play into his antics this time, just softly thanking him as you turned to face the woman.

and just as you thought, in a few seconds you heard grumbling and rustling as the monster looked through the duffel.

“i’m sorry, it was rude of me to not introduce myself- i’m trey’s mom, it’s a pleasure to meet you!” sticking her hand out, you stared at it for a second, flickering your gaze to her smiling eyes before you hesitantly focused on shaking her hand.

“it’s really nice to meet you mrs.clover” she laughed, flicking her hand as if you told her a joke.

“please, just call me alice! with how much my son talks about you it feels like we’re already friends!” she smiled behind her hand. her eyes never leaving yours as she watched your jaw open in shock.

“he- he talks about me?”

like vil schonheit, she gasped in surprise, her hands flying to her mouth as if she just realized she ratted on her son. “oops! silly me, i shouldn’t have told you that! please don’t tell try what i told you the next time you see him, okay?”

about to swear your silence, her hands lowered as her lip quirked up “or do, he’s adorable when he’s flustered” and just like that the smirk was gone and her sweet persona took over.

“o- okay” you gulped due to the lost of words you seem to find yourself at. what the hell was happening??? it hasn’t even been five minutes and this woman has made you go through the 3 of the however amount of stages of grief already.

“here” a cute, raspy voice said from behind you. feeling a small few tugs on your pant sleeve, you accept the water bottle from grim, immediately chugging it to combat the new heat you found yourself in.

“oh what an adorable cat you have there, i’ve heard all about ‘grim the great’ as well” she leaned down to pet his head. normally- normally grim would snap his teeth at an unwelcome touch… and yet- grim seemed to welcome it no, enjoy it was his ever so famous grin exposed more teeth than you’ve ever seen.

“nya-ah!! see! i told you everyone loves grim the great!” picking up the boasting cat, you could only roll your eyes as you adjusted him in your grip.

“geez grim, go to town on the tuna last night? i swear you weren’t this heavy yesterday” you groaned, trying to fix him with your knee.

huffing, grim crossed his arms and refused to look at you or acknowledge your struggling. “hmph! a henchman should always be able to carry their master! you’re just weak!!” “am not”

“allow me to try” a voice interjected.

you wanted to smack yourself in the face for forgetting someone- let alone trey’s mother was here and a witness to your usual shenanigans with your partner in crime.

“are you sure?” you look at his squishy tummy as you offer her a coy smile“he’s quite heavy”

“pshh- nonsense! i’m a baker! we’re used to carrying all sorts of things. we’re quite strong so to say.” she takes him from your grasp easily. and with the same easiness, she put him in a comfortable baby position where his legs were around his waist, arms around her neck, and his neck over her shoulder.

“there! easy peasy lemon squeezy!” you could hear from sigh in content, his forked tailed swooshing happily.

“remind me not to get in an arm wrestling match with you anytime soon” you mused, looking around nervously as the woman wouldn’t stop staring at you.

laughing softly, she shook her head “it’s not me you should be worried about-“

“mom?!”

kill me now. kill me now. kill me now.

“speak of the devil and he shall come! trey baby how are you! i thought you were with your father and your younger siblings”

trey made his way up to your little group from behind you, stopping only when he turned the line into a triangle.

“y-y/n! i’m sorry if my mom said anything weird”

waving him with a woobly smile, you jerked your head towards his mom. “she’s actually been a great help with keeping this one outta my hair” trey looked at the furry sack in his mother’s arms and only sighed.

“mom-“

“now now trey, let the ladies talk in peace okay!”

you swore you could see a grey hair manifesting as he sighed. “mom y/n is super busy and has to get back to work, let me introduce you to my science club teacher okay?”

quick and straight to the point, trey clover as usual had an agenda and that was to get his mom away from you before she said anything too revealing.

huffing, the woman pet grim once more before giving him over to you. but before that, she made sure to fix the cat monster’s position to where he was resting on your hip. with a proud smile she stepped back and looked at the two of you.

“look at you!! a natural!” she clapped, eyeing her son next to you for a moment before she bid you farewell. (not without a few comments herself )

there was a beat of silence before he sighed again. rubbing the nape of his neck he adverted his eyes bashfully. “i’m sorry about her, she’s a bit…”

“bubbly?”

“ambitious, that too- but definitely ambitious. she’s head of marketing for our family bakery for a reason”

“no shit” you gapped, watching the short haired woman vanish in the crowd. still nodding, albeit awkwardly this time, you adjusted your grip on the heavy cat. “he’s like a fat toddler” you joked, wanting a small chuckle from your senior.

“yeah… you’re definitely right about that”

“trey! honey! i forgot to give your friend her treat!”

like a panther, she jumped out from the sea of swarming families with a purpose.

“oh my sevens ” he breathed, rubbing his creasing brows. smiling up at him, you made a comment about it just being a treat.

“because of my son’s dorm” she started once she was within ear shot “i wanted to make his friends a little something something”

“now i see where you get your baking prowess from” you elbowed him, but he was too busy keeping his flushed face in the palm of his hands to respond.

“here you go~” she cooed “it’s a chocolate lollipop! in the shape of a heart! cute right! trey made it himself!”

“that’s cause i thought they were for an-“

ignoring her son, she started explaining the wrapped sweet to you. “oh yeah it’s definitely one of his best works!”

“really?” you mused, looking up at him “even better than your tiramisu?” he shrugged, still ostrich-info in his pile of sand (his hands).

“even better~ now c’mon trey! we have to find maddie, she’s wondered off again”

“again?” his head popped out as his glasses were a bit crooked, being a friendly neighbor, you did the only natural thing.

“uh trey” you pointed at your own face once you made eye contact “your glasses are a bit crooked”

cursing silently, he fixed him with a quick thank you before he rushed off in whatever direction his mom had come from.

and finally, with a big thumbs up and a toothy, shiny smile, she left to follow her son.

[dovveri]

what if nerd momo x bimbo reader author I need u

failing maths, but getting the girl

synopsis: momo and y/n have hated each other ever since an incident in first year. now, y/n's failing a class and momo offers to help.

warnings: mentions of blood and cuts, overbearing parents, drugs, implied sex

w/c: 4.0k

a/n: this is kinda funny for me bcs im blonde and my dad keeps making jokes in chinese about how im ltr a blonde bimbo now. anyway i combined these 2 reqs bcs im lazy forgive me anon/s

⋆｡°✎ᝰ ˎˊ˗

"y/n!"

you turn in the corridor, almost crashing into the burly man behind you who yells a "watch where you're going blondie!" before rushing off to a class he was probably late to.

you spot your friends who had called you, grinning and waving you over, "can't go one day on campus without running someone down can you?" a friend teases.

you pout, "i didn't walk into anyone yesterday!"

"no but you got stuck in the revolving door outside the chem building."

you whine at their teasing, you were a naturally clumsy person! sometimes you'd mix up salt and sugar, and sometimes you'd lose your car keys only to find them still in the ignition keyhole of your car from the last time you used it.

"so you coming to that party tonight? i heard some famous dj from the states is playing."

"awwh really?! i can't tonight i'm failing that dumb math class i have to take and i have a quiz tomorrow so i gotta study."

"you're failing everything y/n, what difference would one night make for you anyway?" a scoff from a student passing by, who you recognise as the infamous hirai momo from the back of her head and the evil way she sends a side-eye at you and your friend group in disgust.

"i wouldn't be if it weren't for your sad ass hirai!"

"stop looking at my ass and get your eyes on some books for once."

momo was meant to be your roommate in first year. although you had accidentally locked her out in the rain for 5 hours while you were hooking up with someone you can't remember the name of anymore. that was during orientation week, safe to say she was pissed and completely drenched when you finally let her in. she filed for a roommate change not long after, citing "poor etiquette and stupidity that could infect my genius", and being the university's most promising academic scholar, she pretty much got whatever she wanted. meaning she also got you assigned to the harshest tutors and markers as her own form of personal revenge, essentially making you fail most of your first year courses. which is why you were even taking this math class again.

the problem arose however, when you find out you would actually lose your scholarship if you failed another class. so failing was definitely not an option.

⋆｡°✎ᝰ ˎˊ˗

“you failed.”

“what!? but i studied all night! i even brought the right calculator model this time!”

“miss l/n, bringing the correct calculator doesn’t help you if you don’t know how to use it. and neither does studying all night if you haven’t been coming to class for most of the semester.”

you’re gaping at the professor in disbelief.

“i’m afraid you’ll lose your scholarship if you fail the upcoming final exam. take this as your final warning. good day miss l/n.”

the door is shut in your face while you're still left trying to process exactly what just happened, mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.

a familiar scoff behind you brings you back though, "what is y/n l/n doing here outside the staff meeting room? what? about to blow one of your professors for marks or something?"

you spin, stepping into her space, faces inches away from each other, "you jealous or something hirai? i'll blow you too if you beg."

you revel in the way her cheeks immediately flush, a slightly shaky finger pushing up the glasses on her nose as she looks away, "jokes on you l/n. i don't have a dick dimwit."

"you don't need one for me to make you feel good."

she's sputtering, moving around you quickly to escape, knocking on the staff door. you smirk, reveling in the slight win over her but immediately forgetting the feeling of triumph when you realise you're still fucked for your final in 2 weeks.

⋆｡°✎ᝰ ˎˊ˗

"y/n, you know i love you, but i cannot explain this again in any other way."

you groan, hands coming up to pull at your hair.

"but you got like a high affliction or something for this class last year! if you can't teach me i'm actually royally screwed, pleaseee?"

"it's high distinction sweetie. and just because someone's good at something doesn't mean they're a good teacher. sorry to break it to you but i couldn't teach my little cousins how to multiply fractions without wanting to commit homicide."

you wrinkle your nose, "gross dude they're literally related to you."

"no babes homicide means i wanted to kill them."

"oh... i guess that's better?"

"focus! c'mon you remember how to do the cross product right?"

"i don't get ittttttt!!!!!!! isn't that just multiplication? a times b equals ab!"

"this isn't algebra it's vectors. cross product isn't multiplication y/n."

you groan again, facepalming the desk in front of you.

your friend sighs, "sorry y/n i have to get going now. promised my boyfriend i'd go watch his game tonight."

"what?! you can't leave me here!"

your friend's already packing up their stuff though, "sorry! good luck with the studying though!"

you wail in goodbye, sitting up again and slapping your face a few times, trying to hype yourself up.

two minutes later, and you're still absolutely nowhere.

you decide to go out for a quick stroll rather than start a campfire in the middle of the library with all your papers. the evening breeze feels refreshing against your skin as you take in the sky. breathing in a deep sigh and closing your eyes briefly.

definitely the wrong idea when you crash headfirst into something that yelps a "what the fuck!" followed by the sound of smashing glass and a whine of pain.

your eyes are quick to open and you stare down at a bleeding hirai momo next to what looks to be a ruined 3D print of a final project or something.

"oh shit momo! are you okay?" you crouch down quickly, trying to collect the glass pieces that have broken, yelping when a piece digs into your skin.

"has all that bleach finally reached your brain y/n? who goes for broken glass with their bare hands?" she's frowning, rubbing her head a little and inspecting the cut across her arm.

"i-i'm sorry i-"

she sighs, "save it. i've had a long enough day as it is. being around you any longer is just gonna increase my chances of dying to some freak plane crash or something." she's standing up and brushing her hands off on her pants muttering to herself, "i'll have to call security to come clean this up."

you realise then that her eyes look a little puffier than usual, slightly tinged with red, the telltale signs of crying.

you suddenly feel terrible. whatever you had just broken seemed like an extremely intricate piece of work, and she was still bleeding down her arm but she didn't seem to pay it much mind, taking a phone out of her pocket and dialing security.

you step to the side and wait for her to finish talking on the phone. she doesn't realise you haven't left yet, swearing under her breath as she assess the damage once again.

when she turns and sees you again, she scowls, "what are you still doing here bimbo? don't you have a dick to ride or some jewelry to shine?"

you ignore her, blushing instead, "you're still bleeding."'

she looks surprised at that response, glancing at her arm again briefly and shrugging, "it's whatever. i'll clean it up later."

you wrap a hand around her wrist then, still not meeting her eyes, "let me? it'll be hard to bandage it properly with your left hand. and i kinda owe you for all of-" you gesture vaguely with your other hand at the ground, "this."

she's tugging her hand back quickly though, "don't bother. you'd probably make it worse. just go home y/n."

you sigh exasperatedly, "won't you just let me help! i feel bad okay? i can't just leave you here bleeding onto the concrete waiting for security to come clean this up."

she's surprised at your outburst, eyes locking onto yours and then nodding slightly. you don't let her rethink her decision as you drag her back inside the library, heading into the storeroom where you knew they had emergency first aid supplies.

you sit her down on the chair and rummage through the small kit for some alcohol wipes to clean the wound first.

she's eyeing you with a sort of caution, but is quick to clench her eyes shut and gasp at the first sting of disinfectant.

it's quiet for a bit while you work on cleaning her wound.

"where'd you learn first aid?" she speaks up first, eyes meting yours again.

"my little sister used to play around a lot with the rougher kids in the neighborhood. so she was always coming home with scratches and cuts and my mom was at work most of the time so i had to learn to take care of her myself."

momo hums, "guess that didn't really translate to taking care of yourself then huh? i mean with the way you're always tripping over air and stuff, you're more of a danger to yourself than a serial killer would be." there's no malice to her words this time, just lightly teasing you and you smile.

"i am sorry by the way. for breaking that. it looked like it'll be pretty hard to replicate."

"nah. i can just print another one tomorrow don't worry."

you both fall into silence again as you finish cleaning her wound, going to collect a few of the bandages to start wrapping around her arm.

you clear your throat a little awkwardly, "so... long day?"

she chuckles humorlessly in response, "something like that."

"wanna talk about it?"

she bristles then, and you're quick to correct yourself, "i mean you don't have to. just... making conversation."

it's quiet for a little longer and you're finishing wrapping her up, grabbing a small adhesive to stick it all together when she sighs. "sorry. just had a lot of pressure from back home lately. my parents keep wanting me to hurry up and graduate so i can go back to japan and take over the family companies. they called earlier saying how they're cutting off my funding for next year if i continue to drag out my studies."

"what? but you're only 23. don't you have like, things left you wanna do before you're all old and unable to move anymore?"

she giggles a little, its the first time you've heard that from her, "yeah tons actually. i've always wanted to see the northern lights and stay in one of those cute little igloos in finland, maybe go to antarctica and do some research there."

"okay! do that! what's stopping you?"

she smiles at you sadly, "my parents won't allow it. they'd disown me for not taking over their companies. and frankly, i'd be broke without them. i don't have the kind of money to keep living abroad like this if they were to stop supporting me."

you tilt your head a little in confusion, "can't you find a job?"

she's laughing then, a full, nose-scrunching laugh, "not with the classes i'm taking. i'd have to either take part-time study, which my parents would literally kill me for because it's 'embarassing' and would bring shame on our family name, or... never sleep again and take a night job or something."

you frown, sitting back on your heels.

"thanks for this by the way. you're still hurt though, do you want me to do you?"

"-and don't make a weird joke about that." she interrupts you before you can even open your mouth.

you pout, nodding a little as she laughs, and grabs the first aid box from you, gently placing your hand in her lap and cleaning your fingers.

you're caught by the way her eyebrows furrow a little in concentration, her teeth biting into her bottom lip slightly, and you can't help but think she looks cute.

you're brought quickly out of these alarming thoughts though, when she asks "how come you're in the library so late on a friday night anyway? never thought the day would come."

you groan, remembering the stack of math papers you have sitting on your desk, "i have to study for a math final coming next week. if i fail i lose my scholarship and i can't let my mom pay for any of this. she's already worked hard enough getting both my sister and me through school."

momo looks surprised at your admission, "oh. i'm sorry. i didn't know you were on scholarship."

you hum, "yeah most people don't assume it from looking at me." you tease a little, flipping your blonde hair over your shoulder and giving a little jingle of your bracelets.

"i'm not materialistic or anything but i enjoy having things that make me look nice y'know?"

she rolls her eyes, placing bandaids carefully onto your fingers.

"you don't need any of those things anyway."

you're caught again, unsure whether that was a compliment or some new way of torturing you.

she clears her throat, "all done."

you look at your hand, cutely littered with some winnie the pooh bandaids she must have found in the first aid kit.

you beam up at her, "thanks!"

she blushes a little and looks away from you, shyly rubbing the back of her neck, "hey look... i can help you study for that test next week if you want. don't want you losing your scholarship over something simple like that. plus i kinda helped go through all the first year math exams for some extra credit with the head of department."

you're shocked at first, and then jumping and squealing, bringing her up with you, "what?! you will?! oh my god thank you!!!!! holy shit oh my god i'm not gonna fail oh shit i'm-"

she's shooshing you in an instant though, a hand clamped over your mouth, eyes darting behind you, "y/n! we're still in a library!"

you grin when she lets you go, whispering loudly, "thank you!"

she's rolling her eyes and letting herself be dragged over to your table, praying that she didn't make the wrong decision deciding to help you.

⋆｡°✎ᝰ ˎˊ˗

momo's standing outside your lecture theatre, waiting for your class to end. you texted her saying you were getting your final results back today so she decided to pop by and make sure everything was okay.

once students start exiting the class she slips in, walking towards the professor who's packing up her stuff..

"momo! good to see you here. although i'm a little surprised. i wasn't expecting you."

"hey professor kwon. i'm just here to-"

momo's attacked from the back, you're squealing as you latch onto her excitedly, waving a test paper in front of her face, "i passed! momo look i passed! with a 62!!!!! that's higher than i've ever gotten!!!!!"

"miss l/n. i didn't know you knew momo." professor kwon is looking you up and down with a little distaste but you ignore it, squeezing momo even tighter in thanks.

"y/n- stop- wait lemme see that-" she snatches the paper out of your hand and scans it, eyes lighting up when she confirms you did in fact pass.

"congratulations! all that hard work really paid off."

you're blushing, "couldn't have done it without you hirai. c'mon, come out with my friends and i tonight to celebrate!"

"o-oh i don't know about that y/n... i've got-"

"study yeah yeah you always do. but you've gotta relax every now and then you know?"

"miss l/n is right momo. you're the most hardworking student here you should give yourself a break every now and then."

you're nodding fiercely, "right right! thanks professor kim!"

she looks at you with a glare, "kwon. its professor kwon miss l/n."

you're nodding, waving her off shaking momo, "c'mon pleaseeeeeeee? i'll pay for everything. as a thanks for helping me. and i can afford it now too since i won't be losing my scholarship which is also thanks to you so..!"

momo's still uncertain, hand at the back of her neck again, a nervous tick you've picked up on.

"oh professor i just remembered!" you're switching back to your professor, excitement and attention everywhere, "you were looking for outstanding students to tutor next semester right? how about momo? she's the only reason i passed this final and trust me when i say i'm a pretty difficult student to teach."

"oh?" the professor looks towards momo who's eyes have widened, "i had actually planned on asking you regardless but seeing as you were very successful with miss l/n it's just even more proof that you'd be a great teacher. what do you say momo? it's paid decently and great on your academic and work transcripts as well..."

you're looking between your professor and momo with full eyes.

momo looks like she's about to reject the offer, you knew it was because her parents expected her to be back in japan next year but you stop her before she's able to say anything.

"momo! this is great! this is exactly what you need! a job while you're still at uni so you can study at any time but still get paid for it!"

"y/n..."

"it's okay momo. think about it and let me know if you're interested and you've got the job 100%. i've got to get going to my next class now but goodbye girls, congratulations miss l/n but i hope i won't be seeing you in my class next year."

"oh definitely not professor kim!" you wave enthusiastically, giggling at the way the professor sighs in defeat.

you look back at momo who still looks a little stunned.

"well? what do you think?" you ask her excitedly.

"i- i don't know... there's a lot to think about..."

you tilt your head to the side a little in confusion, a gesture momo was beginning to grow fond of.

"i can't just abandon my family y/n. it's a decision that will take me some time to go over." she smiles at you gently, you can't believe this was the same girl who used to call you mean words and intentionally pray on your downfall.

"mm okay. i don't really get it but as long as you're happy in the end it doesn't matter. now c'mon! you coming tonight or not?"

she sighs fondly, "yeah yeah just this once. and we better be home by 12!"

you're pulling her along again scoffing, "riiiiiiiiight 12pm maybe."

"y/n!"

⋆｡°✎ᝰ ˎˊ˗

momo was most definitely out of her comfort zone. she mostly stuck to the bar, avoiding eye contact with people who tried to approach her. she quickly ordered another drink, hoping the alcohol could at least ease her nerves.

you were most definitely in your zone. you adored being able to dress up and let loose, especially when everyone else is so drunk you’re no longer the only person falling over themselves. you could laugh a little and have fun as well.

you could feel momo’s eyes on you and you ached to drag her out onto the dance floor and join you but she was adamant on staying by the bar when you had tried.

you’re not sure if it was the alcohol or maybe you were just attracted to her now after you’ve spent a whole week studying with her pretty much every minute of every day. but she looked good. you licked your lips as your eyes trailed down the slant of her jawline, her neck and clavicles outlined in the halter top she was sporting. your eyes politely moved past her chest but darted straight down to the abs that she apparently had hidden from the entire student body. how did she even have time to have abs when she always had her nose in a book or was in a lab conducting experiments?

you snap out of it when you realise said abs were moving closer to you for some reason, and suddenly she's all in your space, shoving someone behind you that you hadn't even realised was there in your momo-induced daze.

you turn to see a man with half his shirt unbuttoned and a look of surprise on his face. "the fuck dude?"

momo says nothing, reaching for your drink instead, sticking a finger in and swirling it around for 2 seconds before bringing it to her lips.

that was hot.

"rohypnol."

"what? what the fuck are you on about?" the guy is annoyed, drawing the attention of bystanders as they create a small circle around the three of you, you spot your friends in the crowd looking at you in confusion silently asking what's going on?

you can only shake your head, attention moving back to momo who's standing up straight, almost chest to chest with the guy now.

"rohypnol. a drug belonging to the benzodiazepine class of drugs that inhibits the central nervous system causing the user to experience extreme drowsiness and even blackout in some cases. it can also cause the user memory loss and brings the user to a higher state of intoxication in a rapid amount of time. it's street name is roofies."

the man is sputtering now, "w-what? what is this bullshit? what are you tryna say huh?"

"that you tried to roofie my friend here. do you want me to call the police? have them check this drink for traces of the drug?"

"what!? the fuck?!"

momo sighs, her eyes closing for a second, "is your vocabulary only limited to what? and the fuck? it's getting tiring talking to you."

he's gaping like a fish, the people surrounding you have called security over and they're tying his hands behind his back and he's left squirming against them, yelling more curses as momo stands stoically, watching him get taken away.

she sighs when he's out of sight and turns to you with a smile, "you should be more careful. you could've been hurt tonight."

you can't even think straight and the music is being turned back up, and momo looks so good, you can't help the way you're pulling her in by the waist and planting your lips on hers.

she makes a sound of surprise and is shocked for a second, but closes her eyes and returns the kiss, maneuvering you a little so she can place the spiked drink on a nearby table before her hand returns to you, one hand cupping your cheek, the other on your shoulder.

you're a little desperate when you claw at her abs that are now within touching distance, and she giggles into the kiss. you mutter a small shut up, reattaching your lips, feeling all the adrenaline of the night pumping through you as you mould yourself against her.

"god is it weird that- that kinda turned me on a little?" you're speaking between breaths, her lips swallowing up your words, not letting you catch a break.

she hums lightly against you, "which part?"

"the- when you were talking- about all those chemicals- and whatever-"

she breaks away from you then, an eyebrow arched and a hint of a smirk on her face, "you get off on me talking nerdy?"

you want to wipe that smirk off her face. "take me home and i'll show you what i get off on."

her eyes darken considerably, and she's tugging you towards the exit, grabbing the spiked drink and pouring it down the drain first to make sure no one drinks it. the little action of consideration even when you're both overwhelmed with lust just gets you more wet.

you send a quick text to your friends saying you had to leave early, and then you're in a cab, lips on each other's again, hands roaming and exploring every inch of available skin.

you suppose the one good thing out of that math exam was it bringing the two of you together at last.

[local-lesbrarian]

Yesterday, the board of trustees for the library I work at voted unanimously against banning This Book Is Gay by Juno Dawson! This was a huge relief for me (and my fellow staff), and I just wanted to share a few takeaways from this experience.

For context, a library patron had submitted a formal request to have the book removed after seeing it displayed alongside other recent additions to our YA section. He took issue with, of course, the chapter on sex ed and provided pages of out-of-context quotes and straight-up lies to make the book appear "dangerous." Lots of the homophobia and puritanism you'd expect. Per our policies, we formed a committee to address his request, and the committee decided the book was fine where it was. Again per policy, he had the option to appeal to the board of trustees, which he took.

We found out he was doing this 5 days before the next board meeting. And even with that short warning, we had over 150 people show up to a small-town library board meeting that often has few or no public attendees! We couldn't fit everyone in our biggest room! Look at us all!!

Public comments are limited to 3 minutes or less, and that still lasted for more than an hour. People spoke who were parents, teachers, nurses, therapists, voting activists, workers at other libraries, and of course, many queer people. They talked about censorship, freedom of expression, freedom to read, the positive impacts of this book and books like it on youth, their own experiences as queer kids and teens or parents or such, and more--too many perspectives to list here. Every single speaker opposed the book ban. Every. One.

The patron who initiated this challenge was present, but left before public comment was over, without speaking.

So, those takeaways:

This is further evidence that campaigns of censorship and queer erasure are perpetuated by individuals and small groups, and don't represent the common view. You can check out stats on ala.org to back this up, but most people, including most parents, oppose book bans.

This turnout was gathered mainly through texts, email, chats (like Discord), phone calls, and word of mouth. Every town and city has people willing to fight and support those fighting the tides of fascism--keep in touch with your community and your allies, your local friends and trusted acquaintances, and when the time comes for action, they will show up.

Pushback, especially public, visible pushback, demoralizes bad actors. These are often people with little to do except organize and promote their hatred, often people with few material problems demanding their attention. (In this case, a retired eye doctor.) Give them a fight, and they often back down. If they don't back down, see #2 and beat them with numbers and passion.

Even after a victory, stay alert. We're prepping for litigation (not that we think he has a case, but he does have a reputation). We're also keeping a close eye on the smaller libraries in nearby towns and townships. Even if someone like this backs down once, they might try their luck somewhere easier. Keep those contact networks from #2 ready to go.

None of this is comprehensive, and your particular situation may well require different tactics. I'm not an expert, just a chronically online trans woman and librarian who's gotten unexpectedly attached to her current town. It was incredibly heartwarming to see so many people stand up for queer teens where I live, when it usually feels like nobody cares about what's happening to queers in the States. This post has already gone on longer than I expected, I'm just still quite emotional and wanted to talk about it. (Also still mentally drained from the past few days of stress...)

Huge shoutout to everyone who helped make this community action happen. Many of them were more eloquent or piercing in their comments, but here's my 3-minute spiel. It was delivered with none of the eye contact or dramatic reading I'd rehearsed because, holy shit, there were a lot of people there!

[m7z]

In memoriam

I spent the last 30 minutes or so skimming through my Tumblr archive from 2011-2012 trying to find a post I know I wrote about my paternal grandparents’ love story, but I couldn’t find it. I probably moved it to another blog at some point and deleted it here. Along the way though I found all these other memories from my early 20s, such as my coming out/confession letter to a best friend from high school, many reblogs of sappy quotes/graphics/book snippets/lyrics, reblogs of photos of places I wanted to visit (many of which I’ve now been to), songs I liked, tech news from the era (like the death of Steve Jobs), political news from the era (like marriage equality, and Barack Obama’s reelection), many reblogs about Glee, my own photos from my early days of living in San Francisco (and interning at Twitter)… All of which is to say, it captured this whole era of my life from ~10 years ago that, in retrospect, was quite pivotal.

The reason I went looking for that post is because I found out yesterday that my grandpa passed away. My dad texted me and tried to call when I was in the middle of a work meeting. I registered the text but didn’t respond, and then called back after. It was the middle of the night in China at the time (around 2am), and he learned the news earlier when my aunt had called him, and she’d been notified by the staff at the seniors home where my grandpa had been living.

As I processed the news and decided on my plans, I told people the context that he had suffered a series of strokes and had been on the decline since last summer, so this news didn’t come as a shock. This is in contrast to my paternal grandma’s passing in January 2022 (also January) from a heart attack which was sudden, quick, and utterly shocking. As the matriarch of our family, her death had hit everyone really hard then.

At his passing, my grandpa was in his late 80s, possibly 87 or 88. Which is objectively quite a remarkable achievement for someone born into the chaos of 1930s war torn China to a poor rural/farming family. He joined the communist army as an accountant/admin, and then the local police after the war, and then worked at the state hemp/cotton company until retirement. He and my grandma met in their 20s, fell in love and got married despite oppositions (this is the story I had posted about that I was looking for), had 2 kids and 2 grandkids (one of which is me), traveled, had health issues and took care of each other, and grew old together.

I realized yesterday that I wasn’t reacting as emotionally as I did to my grandma’s passing — one because he’d been on the decline, and my dad/aunt thought he almost wasn’t going to make it after his last severe stroke in July. I think I had emotionally prepared for this back then, and so expected this to happen at some point. The other reason is that his quality of life in this last year, after these strokes, had become quite poor. He couldn’t eat or talk or walk, and had become reduced to almost just skin and bones. It had become painful to see him in this state, and I’m glad he’s not suffering anymore.

However, at the same time I still feel sad and regretful because I was hoping to see him at least one more time. Even though he hasn’t been able to speak since July, and he didn’t really recognize anyone anymore… even so, I was hoping he'd hang on until I visited again.

When my grandma passed in 2022, the pandemic, travel restrictions, and lack of flight options had made it virtually impossible to travel back. The last time I visited China was October 2019. Since then, in the last few years when we called, they’d almost always ask when I can go back again. My grandpa did this all the way up until his last stroke in July when he couldn’t speak anymore. When the pandemic largely ended in 2022, I’d always say “soon”, even knowing it was impractical with the Chinese government's onerous visa policies. When they finally reinstated the pre-pandemic visitor visa policies in March 2023, I started to say that I'll go back during the summer, then the fall, then the winter, then the spring. One reason is that the flight options were both expensive and inconvenient, but the larger reason is that I prioritized other plans in my life. I'm not sure where I could've squeezed it in, but I do regret that I didn’t try harder to visit sooner.

Circling back on the whole “eras of my life” thread — I always felt like as long as my grandparents were around, I still feel like a kid in some way. They treated me like one, still babied me whenever I visited or called, and would remind me of funny anecdotes from my childhood. I know I’m pretty lucky to have gotten 30+ years with almost all 4 grandparents in my life. I also know I’m lucky that they loved me as much as they did — because not all of my friends had the kind of close relationships I did/do with their grandparents.

Growing up, I was always pretty close to my grandparents, more so to my grandma who I genuinely enjoyed talking to and would call regularly, but I have many fond memories with my grandpa too.

I recall when my family first immigrated to Canada, I would cry about missing them. Later when I went back to visit as a teenager, I would cry on the flight back to Canada.

My grandpa liked to write simple rhyming poems after he retired, liked to drink and smoke and only quit in his 60s, and liked to sing Chinese opera. One year for my birthday, he wrote a “hidden message” poem where the first word of each verse added together would say “happy birthday <my Chinese name>”.

One really special memory of him I have is when I was in kindergarten, and during afternoon nap time (which I hated) he showed up unexpectedly and took me out of school. We didn’t live in the same city but he was in my city for a work trip, and he’d decided to take me out of kindergarten early that day so we could spend time together. I remember it feeling so unexpectedly awesome — one because I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to (skip school) but also because of the surprise visit itself.

The only time I felt emotional yesterday was when my mom told me how, even though I won’t be able to attend the funeral, I could pay my respects at both of my grandparents’ gravesites when I visit. The thought made me emotional because… they can finally be reunited again, or at least not be separated by death.

Didn’t really know what I was going to write when I started this, and the words kept pouring out, but I’m glad I did.

[resi4skz]

CHAPTER 5

Pairing: idol!Chan x Rebecca Greywood (OC)

Warnings: none for this chapter

This is purely fiction!

Cover by: @3rachasdomesticbanana

Standing across the one building that I'll be soon familiar with starting today. Yesterday was a long day and I finally got to meet the boys. The boys were very humble and friendly. I sip on the iced coffee in my hand as I open the camera app on my phone. I angle the phone to snap a good picture to send it to Luna. Except the sun was so bright today and the camera wasn't capturing anything good.

"So who do you want to see come out those doors?"

I nearly jump out of my skin and almost drop my phone. I whip my head to the right and see blonde hair with blue and pink streams and a face mask. He turns his head and I can't tell if he's smiling. "Holy fu-" I cover my mouth. He chuckles and I don't think I've ever listened to such a sweet laugh before. "Sorry."

"It's quite alright. It happens when people see me," he replies. "So who were you expecting to see come out?"

You....is what I want to say. "No one, really. Just wanted to take a picture to send it to a friend."

"I see." For the next few minutes, we stand watching people walk by and cars pass by when he finally speaks again. "Becca-ssi."

"Please. Just call me Becca."

"Becca." The hair on my neck stand up.

"Ne?"

"Do you live alone?"

"Yes, I do. Why?" This was a very random thing to ask.

"You don't seem like the type of person to live by yourself. No family?"

I blink twice and think before answering. Why is he asking all of a sudden? "Mom died when I was 7. Dad remarried his mistress and now he lives with her and her son. That answer your question?"

He looks at me like I have 2 heads. "Yeah. It does."

"Okay." I tuck a hair behind my ear. "It was nice to see you again but I have to go." I bow and take my leave. My heart hammering against my chest didn't help at all.

------------------------------------------------------------

A couple of months go by and I start to get used to my job. I soon learn that the boys dyed their hair again. Apart from Chan and Felix where now fully blonde, the rest of the boys had black to dark brown hair. It was for their Yellow Wood special album. I was still the main MUA for Chan, Felix and Han except another MUA got assigned to Han so I still left with the aussie boys. It was a relief actually on my part since I could communicate in english with them.

But something about Chan made my stomach did turns every time I did his makeup. I summed it up to being in such close proximity but even then, I only felt my tummy turn when it came to him. His face structure was perfect. The chiseled jawline was built like a greek god. And his eyes, even though they weren't symmetrical, they were perfect for eye makeup. And his skin? Flawless and smooth. He had little to no blemishes. It was a wonder to why everyone envied the boys of their bare faced.

The boys were having their lunch break in the makeup room and chatting about random things when the topics of boxing, anime and art comes up. I automatically tune into their conversation from where I'm standing.

"We need to have a boxing session soon."

"The computer that I have needs to have a better graphics card."

"Hyunjin-ah, maybe try getting different brushes to make your paintings have a different look maybe?"

"Speaking of which, has anybody here watched The Attack on Titan yet?" Everyone goes quiet at Han's question.

"Eh, I want to watch it but it doesn't seem appealing to me," Seungmin says as he takes a spoonful of curry.

"I've watched the first episode and it looks good," Changbin says.

"Let's ask the staff later," I.N. asks.

It goes quiet for a few minutes and I go back to sorting out the makeup in front of me. "Why not ask now? Noona!" Han calls out. I turn around slowly and see their eyes all on me.

"Ne?"

"Have you watched Attack on Titan?"

I watch as they wait for my answer. "Yes, I have. But I still need to watch the second season." The way Han's eyes lit up, I swear it was the cutest thing ever.

"So who's your favorite character so far?" Han was like a kid excited to be finally given a lollipop.

"That would have to Levi," I say proudly. But I blink as a pair of eyes stares at me. "What? Did I say something wrong?"

"Huh. And here I was thinking you were going to pick Eren," Han replies, his cheeks full of food like a chipmunk.

"Ehhh, he's a badass but Levi gives off that bad boy vibes." I glance at the people in front of me. "Although, I have to give it to Eren since he can turn into a Titan." I watch as a pair of eyes are on us as we converse about the anime. When I glance up to see who it is, it's none other than Chan with a smile on his face. "I actually wanted to ask you all something. Do you know a good art museum in Seoul? I've been meaning to go to one."

It was Hyunjin's turn to look up. "You haven't been to one? I can name a few you can go to."

"Thank you," I smile. Now that I have their attention, I may as well ask.  "Do you all know where I can get some boxing gloves?"

"Wait, you box?" Changbin asks, surprised as Chan looks somewhat interested too.

"Uh, no," I reply, shaking my head. "But I want to take some lessons in it." I turn back around and go back to my previous task when I accidentally hit a bunch of lipsticks. "Dammit," I mumble under my breath and bend down to pick them up. Suddenly, a hand reaches at the same time and I look up to see Chan picking up the lipsticks. "It's okay, I can pick them up." How did I not hear him coming over here?

"Nah, it's okay. It's the least I could do for making the boys smile," he smiles as he hands me the lipsticks in my hands. We both stand up and there's a sudden awkwardness between us.

"Well, I'm glad," I smile. "I like to make people laugh and smile."

"Thank you. They were a bit nervous for today's performance but talking to you made them feel a lot calmer."

"Oh, well. You're welcome." I bow my head and keep arranging my supplies and as soon as I hear him walk away, I fan my face with hand. Is it me or is it hot in here? Why did they all have to be so good looking?

I wrap up everything while they go to perform a few songs. Eun Ji, one of the staff members, asked to leave my phone number for the boys since I was one of the main MUAs now and they would need to contact me in case of an emergency. I gladly gave it and since I was done for the day, I decided to head home.

------------------------------------------------------------

I was cooking spaghetti and meatballs with light music playing in the back. It was nearing 8pm. "Luna, do you want a plate?"

"Yes, please! With extra cheese!" She yells from her room. I make her plate and grate extra parmesan on top and place it on her side of the table. I make mine with more sauce and sit down with garlic bread as Luna takes a seat axross from me.

"So how was working with the famous Stray Kids?" She asks and I sigh, as I take a bite of my food. "That bad, huh?"

"No, it's just....Chan gives me these vibes that I can't seem to shake off."

"What do you mean?" She asks before taking a bite of garlic bread.

Before I can answer, my phone chimes. A group chat? I click on it and I let out a small gasp. It's the boys. They created a group?

Hy: anyeong becca~

R: becca, eun ji gave us your number

F: noona, do you like brownies?

"Oh my god."

As I'm typing my reply, I see the others messages pop up in the group.

R: guys...

I: oh she speaks!

Hy: noona!

F: i'm making a batch so i can bring it tomorrow

R: goodness, you guys are so sweet that my teeth hurt

C: oh! Good one.

S: oh grandpa is here

I: don't you have work to do, old man?

C: yah!

I giggle at the messages and look up to see Luna with a raised eyebrow. "Oh, sorry. The guys have me in a group chat."

"Oh? Anything interesting?" She asks.

"No, just boys being boys," I replied as I type on my phone.

R: atleast hes taller than some of you

H: oop-

B:....wow

C: LOL hahahahaha im crying

"Don't fall for them."

I look up. "What?"

"You work for them. I don't want you to end up with a broken heart."

I raise my eyebrow at her. "Would you relax? It's not even my first week in and you're already predicting things."

She rolls her eyes at me and goes back to eating her food. As I'm about to put my phone down, it chimes again. This time it's a message? I open it, my eyes wide.

C: hey, i wanted to apologize for the boys if they get too hyper

R: oh it's no problem at all. in fact, i like it. makes me think i have brothers

C: brothers, huh?

R: is that a problem?

C: no :)

Jeez, what's his problem? I put my phone down and eat. "So, how's work going for you so far?" I ask, chewing.

"Eh, busy as usual. Lots of cute guys though."

"Oh? Did you ask any of them out on a date?" I ask.

"Psh, yeah as if anyone will go out with me," she says and holds up a hand when she sees me about to protest. "Before you say anything, I know my worth. Besides, most of them had girlfriends already."

"Maybe you'll get the lucky guy soon. You never know." She rolls her eyes at my statement.

"I can say the same to you."

"Please, I'm just here to strictly work." I replied.

"Uh huh. If you say so."

She walks to the sink, washes her dishes and goes straight into her room. Tsh. What does she know about having to like someone only to dump them after 2 years?

------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, Luna and I decide to spend the day out and explore the city. And luck was on our side because the weather was sunny. Our first stop was to checkout any local sightseeing which was great since we took a lot of pictures, including selfies. For lunch, we went on a hunt at the convenience store and decided on kimbap and ramen.

After lunch, we decided to go for a bit shopping for clothes and shoes. We went from shop to shop until we couldn't walk anymore. I made a mental note to sign up for driving lessons. It was starting to get dark out and all that walking had made us hungry again so we wanted something hearty and delicious. We come upon this great restaurant that serves the best BBQ and what's best to go with BBQ? Beer.

We order the food as soon as we sit. We carefully place our shopping bags on the chairs beside us. "Hopefully the food will arrive soon because I'm starving."

And right on cue, they serve us the food and start grilling the meat. I take a sip of the beer and pop a piece of meat in my mouth. "Oh my god, this is the best meat I've had."

"Seriously! This is so good," Luna replied, dipping hers in soy sauce.

Halfway through, someone comes and stands by our table. I look up and he can't be more than 50 years old. But he's not looking at me. He's looking at Luna. "Ahjussi, are you okay?"

"Yah, you," he points to Luna who flinches a bit. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Ahjussi," I try again. "Is there something-" He smashes a glass on the floor making everyone in the restaurant look at us.

"You...dark skinned people need to go back to your own country."

What the fuck? "Chogiyo. Ahjussi." Luna at this point can only feel scared. I mean who wouldn't? Not me.

"Didn't you hear me?" What he says next is what sets me off. "Get your filth out of my country."

I stand up. "Yah, ssibal saekiya."

He turns to me. "Mwo? Ssi- YAH!" He yells.

"Mwo?!" I yell back, standing my ground. "Just because you can say whatever you want, doesn't mean we have to sit and hear it, gaesaekiya."

"Gaesaekiya? Yah! Neo dodaeche nuguya?!" He yells in my face.

I smirk. Which seemed to piss him off and raises his hand to slap but I was faster than him. You could hear a pin drop after. He glares at me, cupping his cheek. "Oh I'm sorry, did that hurt?" I mock him. "Next time you want to yell slurs at people, look in the mirror first."

I watch as he huffs and leaves, stomping his feet. A few people clap but I wave them off and glance at Luna, who's looking at me in awe. "You okay?"

"Uh huh," she nods and smiles. "Holy shit, that was....that was awesome."

"Aniya, that was nothing. I'm sorry you went through that."

"Are you kidding? You standing up for me made up for it," she grins as a server picks up the shattered glass on the floor left by that man. I smile at her and we resume eating our dinner.

**CHAN'S POV**

"Yah yah, stop it you two," I say to the two dorks in front of me.

"But hyung, he started it," Han whines pointing at Changbin.

I close my eyes, sighing. "Neo aedeul-iya?" Shaking my head, I walk forward with the duo walking behind me. I was finally able to eat out after such a long time. Work has been hectic lately and today was a breather for all of us. Han suggested we get BBQ while the rest stayed home. We promised we would bring them food and dessert.

The restaurant that Han suggested was at a walking distance. Han and Binnie still bickered walking behind me. I swear I feel like a single dad sometimes. As we approached closer to the restaurant, I hear yelling coming from the inside. So being careful, we peek inside to see what's happening.

But what or should I say who, has me rooted in my spot. "Is that...?" Han asks.

"That's Becca, right?" Binnie asks.

I watch the scene unfold as an old man yells at her friend and then Becca suddenly stands up, swearing at him. I'm surprised she even knows the swear words in Korean. But what happens next is what shocks us three the most. The old man raises his hand at her but she slaps him first. She says something to him, at which he leaves angry.

"Wow. She's badass," Han says.

That she was. When I see her friend smiling at her, a sudden relief goes through me. And then I see Becca is smiling as well. What? Why did my chest suddenly start hurting? She's only smiling. So why is my chest hurting? I try to shake off the feeling. "Oh, they're leaving," Binnie announces. We watch the duo walk out the restaurant, smiling and laughing as we watch them walk around the corner of the street.

"Let's go, I'm starving." Han walks inside with Binnie following behind him.

I place my right palm on my chest. It's gone. The pain is gone. Weird. I leave all the thoughts outside as I walk inside to join my friends for dinner.

A/N: hmmmmmm......

[boydepartment]

Pizza Parlor- Lee Felix: Chapter 8.5

Description: Y/n is a stressed-out college student who has no idea what she is doing with her life. She is always wrapped up in nostalgia and her friends seem to know exactly what they're doing. Feeling insecure one night she decides to go on an old website. Club Penguin. Little does she know; she would encounter a certain penguin who was also having a rough night.

Stray Kids are idols, TXT is not.

Partial smau, mainly written.

Warnings for chapter 8.5: cursing!

WC- 50

back next

masterlist

                                                                                                ```

Song for Chapter 8.5: Scrawny - Wallows

Chapter 8.5: Happy Dance

Felix was truly over the moon, when you ended the call yesterday (well now a couple days ago??) saying you had to go on your trip to Seoul he almost threw up. BUT NOW he was over the moon. He gets to see you, her, Y/N, REALBOBFROMANIMALCROSSING, JOONSGF. He had to be prepared, like genuinely prepared. He saw the time on his phone, 12:43am. Quickly hopping out of bed he threw a pair of sweats on and a big jacket. He threw a beanie on over his now blond hair? Honestly, he didn’t know how that happened the staff just did it. Felix wasn’t complaining though.

He almost fell putting his shoes on and he rushed out, he had to be prepared, okay.

Wait, was this a date? Or just a meeting?

Shit he should’ve ASKED!

Okay either way, something nice right?

He walked out in the cold air and rushed to the nearest store that was open this late at night. He needed flowers, SHIT HE SHOULD MAKE BROWNIES! Quickly Felix grabbed whatever he needed. When he was done, he plopped it down on the counter, the cashier looked at him then sighed tiredly. Felix rushed home and quickly put water in a random bowl he could find then got the flowers situated.

Okay good, now time to bake. He was digging for the pans and then popped back up from behind the island.

                “Holy shit you scared me.” Minho said, “what the hell is going on?”

Felix’s silly little grin almost instantly gave it away, they all knew about this trip Y/n was so busy saving up for because Felix would complain about not getting to see her due to it.

                “Holy shit.” Minho said dumbfounded.

-------------------------------------------------------------------- Taglist: @bloofairyfox @yellowroses-world @g4m3girl @forevrglow @nepytune @rensimps @curly-fr13s @amara-mars

Taglist is always open :) if I ever accidentally leave out a tag please just remind me. I have horrible goldfish memory.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's note: Hi everyone! Thank you so much for the love this story has gotten recently!!! I have gotten a lot of love and comments and reblogs and I am just so happy everyone enjoys it! I pinky promise the next chapter is def gonna be good good!!! Heheheh!! I am going to try and finish the couple projects I mentioned yesterday this week, not the full blown fic but some of the little side series! That'll probably require another masterlist but idk we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Chapter 9 is completed it just has to be proof read and then I need to decide on some other things regarding this fic! Sorry that this .5 was so short, I had to fit something in for this hehe and I thought it was cute <3

Today is a slow college week so I will definitely have time to work on my projects here on Tumblr, I am so very excited to say the least.

I hope everyone is doing fantastic! Remember to eat and drink a lot of water! That is very important! If you can try to do some stretches! It feels really nice to stretch and crack lol

If any of you need anything my dms and ask box are always open <3

I love you!

[madeliefkrans]

you give me fever

this fic is my manifestation for the upcoming episode "sick day"! gregory better miss janine at school and act on with that feeling! it was originally only a sickfic, but i figured that janine's birthday is also soon since she's a sagittarius, soooo i combined the two.

fandom: abbott elementary (tv series) type: sickfic meets birthday fic with lots of fluff pairing: janine x gregory pov: janine’s word count: 4,556 on ao3 as well

summary: it’s janine’s birthday and... she’s at home with a cold.

you give me fever

Janine shivers under her ochre duvet cover, even though she’s put on clothes that should warm her up: her striped woollen socks and Christmas themed pyjamas. Sure, she loves Christmas and yes, she’s the person to secretly listen to Christmas songs during summer and okay, Christmas is right around the corner, but that’s not why she’s wearing them right now. They’re the warmest outfit she owns and bonus, they’re covered with deer whose noses are as red as hers right now. She could be wearing them because her heater is broken, but no. It’s Janine’s birthday and she’s got a cold.

Obviously, this was not how she planned this day to go. Her plans were to go to work and tonight, meet up with Erica. Yesterday, she daydreamed (during cooking, not a great time, she almost burnt herself) about walking through the doors of Abbott, stepping into to the staff room and seeing the incredible, thoughtful, creative surprise her (work) friends had orchestrated for her. Up next, her students, with their smiley little faces, would sing Happy Birthday to her. And after that, she would meet up with Erica and head into town for the most fun night ever. They would go to the street food festival downtown or a comedy show or a glow-in-the-dark mini golf course. Or all those places.

Alas. Even though Janine keeps her side of the street clean, apparently, today, karma and she don’t vibe like that. It’s fine. Technically, her birthday is a day like any other. She could celebrate her birthday next week. She could find out the surprise (which, at this point, only exists in her fantasy, its presence not yet confirmed) waiting for her at school later. She could be sung to by her talented students later. She could head into town and make a fool of herself together with Erica later.

That’s what she tells herself as she sneezes, stuffing a tissue to her nose. It’s fine. You’ll be fine.

She spends her morning sleeping, tucked in bed with a hot water bottle at her feet. During her lunch break, Erica video calls, congratulating her and wishing her well in the same sentence. She asks a million times if Janine needs anything and how she’s feeling. Promising Janine they’ll head into town the moment she’s her old self again. Janine’s glad she welcomed Erica back into her life after Halloween. The call wears her out a bit, though. So, after they hang up, she tries to get cosy on the couch with a fleece blanket and watch some TV. The rest of the afternoon passes by with sniffing, sneezing, and shivering.

It's around five when she realises she’s doing worse than earlier this day. After sleeping all morning, she perked up a bit, but as the afternoon dragged on, she’s feeling more and more uneasy. She’s not hungry, but her breakfast early this morning feels far away. Her blanket is not keeping her as warm as she would like it to. She debates whether she should take some painkillers, but her thoughts are interrupted when she’s hears the doorbell buzzing.

She’s trying to remember if she expects a package to arrive. Unfortunately, but expectedly, her brain is not cooperating. So she bundles up her burnt orange blanket across her shoulders and shuffles to her intercom. Getting up was a bad idea, because now she feels light in her head. She brings the phone to her ear.

“Hello?” Her voice weak.

“Hi. Janine? We, at Abbott, made you something. Can I bring it up?”

She’s not sure she’s hearing correctly. Is Gregory standing in front of her apartment building? If she did hear his voice, she’s having a hard time processing what that means.

“Janine? You there?”

“Yes! I am. Sorry, zoned out a bit. I’ll buzz you through.”

She does, and hangs up the phone. Then she stands there as it dawns to her. Gregory is here. He’s never been here. She’s wearing Christmas pyjamas. There’s at least a hundred tissues spread on the floor. Her hair is a mess. And she feels dizzy.

On a better, brighter day, this would be her cue for quickly trying to clean her living room, scanning the room for dirty dishes, clearing out her side table. But right now, even standing is too much, so she leans against the wall next to her intercom, until Gregory rings her doorbell.

She opens the door.

He’s standing in the hallway in all his glory. Holding a big bag in his right hand.

The strength is leaving her legs, but she’s happy to see him. She smiles, feeling self-conscious. And you know, not well.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” he smiles back.

“Come in.” She makes room for him and gestures at the coat rack next to the front door. “You can leave your coat and shoes here.”

“Thanks.” He puts down the bag and does so. “Is it okay I’m here?”

Janine nods. Then regrets it because her dizziness is now ringing in her ears. She’s sweating, but she’s cold. Gregory is looking at her, a frown forming between his brows. She’s not sure what kind of face she’s pulling, but she doesn’t want him to worry.

“Hey, are you alright?” He takes a step towards her.

“Yes, I’m fi–” she starts to say, but she cannot finish, because suddenly, her legs give out. And only distantly she feels the impact of the side of her body against his chest as his arms embrace her. The next moment she’s laying on the floor, still caught in her blanket. She looks up at Gregory, who’s on his knees, bent over her.

“Janine? How are you feeling?” His voice is soft. Not at all distressed, what she would be if someone next to her fainted. Her body is the heaviest it’s ever been.

“Tired.”

“You fainted.”

“I figured.”

Janine tries to sit up, leaning on her elbows.

“No rush, take it slow,” he urges.

She does. And slowly, she’s able to sit up, leaning back on her hands.

“I think I wanna rest for a bit.”

“Sounds like a good idea.”

“Thank you. And sorry.”

“It’s totally fine.”

Bit by bit, she makes her way up to standing, with Gregory watching her every move. She shuffles to her bedroom. Takes some painkillers on the way. In the back of her head there’s a voice trying to point her attention to the fact that Gregory is in her apartment, that he can see her messed up bed, the stuffed animal (Kurt the koala) she’s had since she was a little girl. She cannot seem to care though, because she’s distracted by how good it feels to slip under her duvet.

“Before you fall asleep, what is your favourite type of soup?”

She meets his gaze; he’s standing in the doorway of her bedroom. Despite feeling the heaviness of sleep pulling her down, she can’t help but let out a little laugh. Is he for real?

“It’s spicy tomato soup. What are you planning to do with that info?”

He grins. “You’ll see.”

She doesn’t imagine the possible scenarios for long. Because after pulling Kurt close to her, she cannot seem to keep her eyes open and she drifts into sleep.

It’s dark out when Janine wakes. Seems like Gregory closed the door and her curtains too. Sleeping during the day is the strangest thing, but she’s not sweating anymore and the extreme coldness in her bones is gone, so she did the right thing. She’s glad her nap and the painkillers worked.

She hears water running and clanging of what sounds like dishes. Then, miraculously, her stuffed nose is able to identify the smell coming from under her bedroom door. Food.

Janine’s belly rumbles loudly.

For a moment, she braces herself to leave the warmth of her bed. Then she flips her duvet and reaches her feet to the ground. Once again, she grabs her loyal plaid, wrapping it around her body. She makes her way to the door but stops in front of the mirror on top of her dresser. Good to know her nose is still red as Melissa’s cape on Halloween this year. She pulls her hair into a half bun, noticing she’s feeling a bit embarrassed. She shouldn’t expect to look like her usual self when she’s down with a cold. But Gregory is on the other side of the door. And somehow that makes her want to make an effort to look presentable.

She opens her bedroom door and steps into the aromatic kitchen. Standing by the sink is Gregory, doing the dishes. He looks up, midway scrubbing, a trace of worry on his face.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

Janine is stunned. She looks at the pan on the stove. The collection of clean dishes behind Gregory. The floor, which is empty of tissues, but now covered with balloons in all colours imaginable. She feels a wave of gratefulness wash over her.

“Gregory, oh my god, I can’t believe this. This is crazy. You didn’t have to do all this.”

His smiles at her. “I wanted to. And you’re not feeling well, so it’s the least I could do.”

“Thank you. Really.”

She drops the blanket on her couch and walks over to stand next to him. “I’m feeling a lot better, sleeping helped.”

“I’m glad. Are you hungry?”

“Yes, actually. What did you make?” She walks over to the stove and peers into the pan. Steamy, red soup that smells wonderful. “You… made my favourite soup. You’re gonna make me cry.”

Her overly, but truly genuinely, touched expression makes Gregory let out a laugh.

She points Gregory to the high shelf that has her bowls on it (glad to not use her improvised stool for once) and pours both bowls full. They sit at her round table.

The soup tastes incredible. And not only because she’s hungry. Gregory is a good cook. It doesn’t surprise her.

“This is delicious,” she tells him. He answers with a smile. The steam of the soup opens her nose. It’s a welcome sensation.

“I like your outfit.”

“Thanks, where’s yours?”

“I left my Christmas sweater at home. Hope you can forgive me.”

“Oh? I didn’t peg you as a person who owns Christmas themed clothes.”

“It was a gift. But it’s very soft. It’s a green turtleneck, with a huge deer face on the front.”

Janine grins, imagining Gregory with the jumper on. A proud, stoic Mr. Darcy. She wonders whether he knows his sweater is a reference to Bridget Jones’s Diary. And she wonders who gave him the gift. His mom? Or maybe an ex-lover?

“Did your family give that to you?”

Gregory snorts, spoon full of soup mid-air. Janine is surprised by his reaction.

“No, my dad hates Christmas,” Gregory answers, his voice almost devoid of any emotion. Almost, because Janine’s sure she catches some bitterness in there. She waits for him to elaborate, but he doesn’t. Silently, he continues to eat his soup. She follows his movements with her eyes.

“When I was sick as a kid, my mom didn’t really care for me. I learned to take care of myself.”

She didn’t realise that was on the tip of her tongue, but it’s out before she knows it. He meets her gaze. She breaks eye contact immediately. Her turn to stare at her bowl and lift a spoon to her mouth.

“That must’ve been tough.” The softest voice.

“It was.” Her throat feels tighter than usual. She forces out her next words. “It’s alright, though. It could’ve been worse. It meant I had more cooking and cleaning experience than the other kids in my class. Which paid off when I finally moved out.”

She laughs a little. It feels fake, she knows it. But she doesn’t want him to pity her. She’s glad he’s silent.

“My dad is all about tradition and sobriety. Whenever I got too excited as a kid, he would put me on time-out. Everything that came with Christmas, like the presents, decorations and Santa Claus, which made me ecstatic of course, was a reason for him to discipline me.”

She looks up at him. He gives her a small smile, almost apologetic.  

“But the one thing I love most about kids is their carefree enthusiasm.”

Gregory shrugs. “Guess my dad didn’t think that way.”

She’s silent for a bit.

“That explains why you’re so composed,” she says, before quickly adding: “Which is not a bad thing by the way, I think it’s a great personality trait.”

His smile is back, a bit bigger this time. “You taking care of yourself as a kid explains your resilience.”

She answers his smile. It’s true. Her memories of growing up aren’t always great, but her childhood did bring her to where she is right now. And it resulted in the traits she’s most proud of: her spirit and optimism. It’s reassuring Gregory can see that.

She remembers the conversation they had on the day Tariq performed for F.A.D.E. at Abbott. They were standing in front of the school, sharing an umbrella he held up, in the rain. It confused her that his dad didn’t want him to be a teacher. She agreed with what Gregory said that day: it shouldn’t matter what his dad thinks, it should be about what makes him, Gregory, happy. It doesn’t surprise her that Gregory’s dad dislikes Christmas. Janine’s mom couldn’t be the mom she wanted and often needed. Maybe Gregory’s dad was the same.  

Despite that, he turned into this person who decided to take a chance and continue teaching, because he thought it could make him happy. And even more, he showed up on her birthday, even though she has a cold, making her favourite soup, cleaning up her apartment, decorating it. Her heart inflates like one of the balloons covering the floor. She’s glad he’s here. It makes her see him in a new light.

They finish their bowls. Together they clean up the rest of the dishes. Janine is storing away cutlery when she sees Gregory rummaging the bag he brought.

“I have something for you,” he says. “We all pitched in on this, so Barbara, Melissa, Jacob and me. Originally it was just for your birthday, but now it has a get-well-soon part as well.”

He takes out a big, wrapped present out of the bag and places it on her white dining table. Janine is overjoyed. A birthday gift! And everyone pitched in! She can’t stop grinning.

“Oh my god! Thank you!”

Carefully, she opens the present, unfolding the paper until she can see what’s inside. It seems to be a basket filled with different things. There’s a box of ripe, shiny plums. A shawl in lovely pastel green and pink colours. A small ficus plant. And some tea. She picks everything up to inspect it with the widest grin imaginable.

“This is so great, thank you so much!” she beams up at Gregory. “I really have to get better soon so I can thank the rest.”

“Happy birthday, Janine.”

Janine can’t stop smiling at him. She looks into his eyes, and the feeling of wanting more washes in, even though he’s right there, giving her his fullest attention, smiling at her.

“You know,” she starts, feeling brave, “whenever I’m sick there’s a movie I watch… Want to stay and watch WALL-E with me?”

“Yeah,” Gregory replies, almost without missing a beat, nodding, “sounds good.”

“Okay, great!” Janine plucks the tea from her gift basket. “Do you also want a cup?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

She makes tea for them both. A few minutes later, they’ve set up on her couch. Steaming cups in front of them on the side table. Movie paused right at the beginning on her TV. Janine’s more conscious than usual of his presence. Her couch is not that big. Three people on it would sit knee to knee. Earlier today she couldn’t get her body to warm up, but it now seems her skin is radiating heat and it’s not because she’s running a fever.

“You ready?” she asks.

“More than.”

Janine knows exactly why WALL-E is her comfort movie. It calms her down, watching a story of how meaningful connection is still possible long after the Earth is no longer inhabitable. A story of how robot WALL-E travels across the entire galaxy to follow this meaningful connection. It’s magical, touching and has so much heart. It makes her think about the consequences of her choices, but in the most soft and grateful way possible.

It’s exactly because it’s her comfort movie and Gregory sitting next to her makes her feel safe, that she starts feeling drowsy and drifts into sleep. She blames her after-dinner dip too. And her sleepless night. And her cold.

She dreams of them sitting on her couch. Or rather, she’s laying on her side, with her head in his lap, on one of her cushions, knees pulled up a bit. WALL-E is still chasing after EVE on the TV. Gregory runs his fingers through her curls. Each touch a lullaby. It soothes her.

“Don’t stop…” she mumbles.

Gregory hums gently in question.

“Your fingers in my hair… feels good…”

He continues. She nudges the side of her face into the cushion. She never wants this dream to end.

Inevitably, it does. She was only taking a small nap, apparently, because when she wakes the movie is still running. But something is not right. It’s not WALL-E’s adorkableness. It’s that she’s laying in Gregory’s lap, like in her dream, covered by her blanket. Immediately, her heart rate rises. Did she fall over while sleeping? Or did she decide to rest her head here while she was sleeping? Her cheeks glow from embarrassment. Did Gregory let her and cover her with the plaid?

Slowly, she turns her head for as much is possible with her laying on her side. Her eyes fall on Gregory’s sleeping face, resting his head on the backrest of her couch, slightly leaning to his right. His breathing is slow and steady. The skin on his face relaxed. It’s cute. Something flips in her stomach. It makes her skin burn even more.

Maybe she rested her head on his thighs while he was sleeping. There’s still a way to make sure he doesn’t know this ever happened.

With utmost care, as quietly and slowly as possible, she rises from her position. She holds her breath getting up, the only sound her heart beating and rustling of the blanket on top of her clothes. And, she notices the next moment, to her deepest regret, the rustling of his clothes too. He’s moving.

“Janine?” A croaky voice.

He’s awake.

She jerks herself up. The impact comes with a thud.

“Ow,” Gregory groans. “Shit.”

Oh god. She headbutted him. His chin, to be precise.

“Oh my god, Gregory, I’m so sorry,” Janine has never been this flustered. She sits up and shifts in her seat, so her body is facing him, sitting on her knees. “Are you alright?”

“I’m definitely awake now.” Gregory rubs his chin, folding one leg on the couch, the other one still over the edge. He’s laughing, to her relief. Which makes her laugh too. Laughing at the situation, her clumsiness.

“I come over to bring you a birthday and get-well gift, cook for you, and this is how you treat me,” he says, before pulling a serious face. “If you want me to leave, you can say so, Janine.”

She laughs some more. “Don’t leave. I still have to give you a black eye.” She holds up her fists to her cheeks, bouncing her arms, pretending to prepare herself for hitting him in the face.

As she does so, the blanket on top of her shoulders slips off. The next moment, Gregory reaches for it, his face close, stretching his arms on both her sides. In a swift motion, he pulls the blanket over her shoulders again, closing it in the middle, right before her chest, where she’s still holding up her hands, now in loosened fists. His hands brush over hers. His folded knee touches hers. He gently takes some of her hair to pull it out of her blanket cape, so it rests on top. The sound of the movie still running is miles away. She meets his gaze.

In that moment, she doubts her dream was a dream. It’s all there in the way he touched her hair just now and how he’s looking at her in this moment. And it’s locking her eyes with his that makes her realise this: she wants to kiss him.

He’s so close. His warm gaze not only soothing her but causing a tingling feeling across her forearms and the back of her neck. He’s everywhere around her, taking up all her senses.

His hands rests on his folded leg, his fingers touch her knee. Is he doing this on purpose? The sensation is enough to light her whole body on fire. She breaks eye contact, looking at the TV again.

“You know, it’s pretty fucked up we assume WALL-E is a boy. It’s a robot. You know? It makes no sense. It’s sexless.” She’s rambling, she knows it, but she cannot stop.

Gregory just hums, slowly nodding. She can feel his eyes on her face, but she’s looking everywhere but him. His finger traces a small circle on her knee. She feels the skin underneath burning up.

“And you know what! The movie’s message is really well handled. Under capitalism, the environment is doomed. We thrive when freed from the confines of oppression! After all these years, WALL-E is still relevant, maybe even more so today than when it got released.”

He hums again. It agitates her. How he’s simply sitting there, while she’s freaking out, trying to decide whether she should push her feelings away. Or give in to them. She clutches the fabric of her blanket in her hands, staring at her lap, at how his fingers trace the soft fabric of her deer-covered pyjama pants.

She can’t take it any longer; she’s almost bursting. So, she takes a shuddering breath. And looks up.

His face is there, filling up her whole vision. His fingers stop tracing her knee. He rang her doorbell, cooked for her, cleaned and decorated her apartment, wanted to watch her comfort movie with her, brushed his fingers on her knee. And now he’s here, on her sofa, sitting in front of her, close, so close. It’s only a split second, but meeting his gaze is all she needs.

She leans forward. And kisses him, quickly, before pulling back again.

Her heart is racing, unable to process what she did. She looks up to see his reaction, even though her nerves are killing her. She needs to know.

His surprise quickly makes way for a grin. Before Janine can feel even more nervous, he leans forward, cupping her face with his hand, the warmth of his touch and breath on her face, closing the distance between them.

It feels incredible.

It’s no use being careful when she already fainted in his arms and headbutted him in the face, when he’s seen Kurt the koala and her Christmas themed pyjamas, when she opened up about her mom, when she cuddled up in his lap. It’s no use being careful, so she leans into his hand, into his touch, taking in everything he’s giving her.  

She’d expected kissing him would ease her longing to pull him close, but it only makes her want him more. It’s like something inside her set off. Or like she passed a stop without knowing. She doesn’t ever want to return, though.

She senses he wants to get closer too, but their legs are in the way. The heat rises to her head. At this point, she cannot say whether it’s her fever acting up or that she’s feeling hot. Hot for him.

Her hand is on his chest, gently pressing. He pulls back. The look in his eyes knocks the air right out of her and for a moment, she stops in her tracks. He’s completely open, meeting her gaze with all he has. She’s never seen him like this. Her heart swells. She can’t go back.

She clasps his shoulder for stability as she straddles him. His eyes never leave her face as she settles and cups his face in her hands. She leans forward, his hands travel up her thighs, resting on her hips. It feels amazing, her body pressed to his, kissing him, his warm hands pressing into her hips, her lower back.

It’s not until she’s out of breath because of her stuffed nose that they pull back. Which is sooner than she would’ve liked. Her whole body is tingling, her thighs still pressing into the sides of his body, his hands still roaming her back, waist and hips. Her blanket long gone, bundled up on the side of her couch.  

He’s looking at her with so much fondness, a small smile lingering on his lips, she wants to kiss him all over again. She feels bare, naked, but it’s alright if he’s the one holding onto her.

“Do you think I passed on my cold to you?”

He chuckles softly. “Maybe. I’ll survive. It was a good trade.”

“Yeah,” Janine grins.

A moment of bliss passes. The next, she backs out of his lap and positions herself next to him again. She grabs one of the cups of tea they made. It’s cooled down entirely. Figures. She takes a sip anyway. Looks like WALL-E is almost over.

Gregory puts one of his arms on the backrest of the sofa, and she scooches closer to him, resting the back of her head in the crook of his armpit. And like that, they watch the remaining part of the movie.

It’s when Gregory’s putting on his coat to head home that she realises there’s no way she could’ve guessed how his day would go. Before going to bed yesterday, her plans were to go to Abbott and meet up with Erica afterwards. After waking up, she decided to stay in and recover from her cold, taking it easy even though it was her birthday. Not for a moment did she expect Gregory would show up at her door. That he would make her favourite soup. That he would kiss her. He has no idea how happy he makes her.

“Did you run your fingers through my hair while I was sleeping in your lap?” It’s not really a question.

Gregory meets her gaze, smiles softly, and nods.

“And then I told you to keep going.”

“Yeah, you did.” His smile deepens. “Want to do that again sometime soon?”

She beams up at him. “Yes. I would love that.”

He’s packed in to face the cold evening outside. She doesn’t want him to leave just yet. There’s a beat when they’re looking at each other. The next she takes a step forward. He folds his arms over her shoulders, her head, resting his chin on top of her hair. She places her hands on the broad of his back. Breathes in. And breathes out.

She could live here. In his arms.

[stinkrascal]

A couple things I was wondering is how did you figure out you had BPD? I know there's a couple disorders that can often get diagnosed beforehand, so I guess how did you know there was more going on? Secondly, what kind of therapy do you feel was the most helpful, if any? I have issues keeping a therapist because they tuxedo mask away after realizing I already have CBT down (which only kind of helps me). Thank you for being open about BPD! I feel like there's so much unnecessary stigma.

hiiiiii!! sorry i didnt reply yesterday i spent all day writing my silly sims stories 😴 i will talk about my experience under the cut!! ty for being curious about it!! <3

umm tbh i was diagnosed in a really weird way lol. so, like, where i went to high school was a really conservative and religious town, and when i was a freshman in high school i was one of the only trans/lgbt kids that was vocally out at my school. there were more of them, my friend group was basically all lgbt ppl, but i was the only person in my school who would demand staff to call me a different name/use different pronouns. but anyways so my lgbt friend group was being bullied pretty badly so our school hired this counselor training in lgbt issues that would talk to us individually about our experiences as lgbt kids who were bullied and such. it was actually really cool you know! but anyways i was one of the students who had to participate in this and the lady who was talking to me realized that i was, like, a really troubled kid lol. and on top of that i was failing all my classes and i had been struggling in school my entire life (like consistently making report cards with at least 5/7 of the classes being failed type of shit) sooooo they basically had this like idk meeting with my parents? where they were super adamant that they take me to a doctor and put me into therapy bc i was struggling really badly and yeah. after that my parents put me into therapy and got in touch w a doctor and i got some treatment and eventually a bpd diagnosis. but yea it only happened cuz of my school forcing them to take me ha.

the truth is i didn't really suspect anything was wrong with me because the way i grew up, i thought everyone acted like me 🤷‍♂️ i think the only time i started really thinking i might have bpd was when i got my first boyfriend at 16, that's when my codependency and attachment issues really started to manifest, and those have always consistently been the bpd symptoms i struggle the most with. but even back then i didn't really know what bpd was, so it wasn't like i was specifically thinking i was suffering w bpd. more so that i knew something was Off about me but i couldn't really explain what it was

unfortunately i haven't gone to therapy in a long time :( and the last time i went it wasn't for bpd treatment at all. so i really can't say what could help you there in terms of therapy. i did group therapy during my bpd treatment but it didn't really help me much.

you're probably not gonna like this answer lmao but i use weed to medicate my intense mood swings and that helps a lot. also just being able to recognize when i need to cool off and being able to use my words to tell ppl that i need to be alone for a minute to clear my head, that helps too. basically just being mindful of ur changing emotions and giving yourself room to feel those emotions and allow them to pass u, without feeling guilt for this, and without projecting those emotions onto other ppl bc at the end of the day it isn't really anyone else's fault that u feel the way you do.

also just try to give ppl the benefit of the doubt in general, ik my bpd makes me SO sensitive like for example. ik we make jokes about this but you guys im not kidding, my favorite mutual reblogging a post from someone else instead of me hurts my feelings so bad some days i have to just log off and go cry about it. CRY ABOUT IT YOU GUYS! it's really awful and totally not grounded in reality 😭 but like it's there, it's something i experience and deal with, and it isn't anyone's fault that it happens, it's just the cards i was dealt with.

so instead of projecting that feeling onto my beloved mutuals and being like Ohhhhh so you actually hate me! You actually want me to kill myself! You've actually never cared about me ever, person I've had two conversations with in total! yeah instead of working myself up for something so silly... i just try to put myself in other ppls shoes, try to remember that when i do things it is not with malicious intent and most people are also not doing things with malicious intent. bc for me, my bpd tends to dehumanize ppl... they arent people with nuance and depth and complex and at times contradictory lives, theyre my Favorite Person, person who does no wrong, person who could never do any wrong no matter how hard they try, and that's dehumanizing, that's unfair to the person!! so by humanizing the other person, by remembering we are all people with rich inner lives and struggles and most of us just want to do our best even when we slip and fall... it helps calm me down from those spirals where im like, ohhhhh god everyone hates me because they didn't reblog a text post from meeeee!!! lol

[deus-ex-mona]

WAY OF FT4: Chapter 5

the year’s ending (oh no)

previous part (chapter 4)

next part (chapter 6)

The day of the End-Of-Year Live—

YUI: Ooh! They’re doing great!

RIO: It looks like it’s just about time for… LIPxLIP’s rehearsal. And mona’s up next, huh.

DAI: Are y’all tryna pressure them or something? Let’s just do our warm-ups, MEGU.

MEGU: Gooot iiit!

YUI: (IV’s... in the midst of the final meeting about the stage lighting. I wanna tell him about my plans for my solo, though.)

YUI: (But I’m sure it’ll be fine. RIO and I had a proper discussion about it after all.)

Staff: Ah, excuse me, FT4! There appears to be some delays, so please wait, okay?

RIO: No worries. Feel free to take your time.

Staff: Ah, on that note, mona brought these snacks to share with everyone. Please help yourselves.

MEGU: Eh? These snacks are pretty famous!

DAI: For reals?

MEGU: I aaalwaaays see tons of people queuing up for these~! I’ve always wanted to try some, y’know? Down the hatch!

RIO: I’ll have some too. How about you, YUI?

YUI: Yeah! They look so good! I’ll be having some!

The very moment YUI picked up one of the snacks, mona walked over into the backstage area, appearing to have been called up for her rehearsal.

YUI: …Ah, mona—!

mona: Eh…! Ah, yes?!

YUI: I’ll be having this! Thanks for the treat!

mona: …N-no need to thank me! I hope it suits your tastes…!

YUI: Eh, aren’t you getting super nervous? Did I do something?

RIO: She probably didn’t expect you to thank her, YUI.

RIO: …Ah, LIPxLIP seems to be done with their rehearsal.

Yujiro: Let’s do our best today, RIO and YUI!

Aizo: I’m looking forward to FT4’s performance!

YUI: Yeah! Thanks!

Aizo: Eh?

YUI: Eh? What’s up?

Yujiro: I-it’s nothing… You seem to be in a great mood, YUI. Did something good happen to you?

YUI: Hmm— Nah, I don’t think so? I’m always like this, yannow!

RIO & IV: …

YUI: Huh? RIO, IV. What’s with you guys?

YUI: What’re you laughing behind my back for?

IV: It’s nothing… I just got the feeling that everything managed to sort itself out, that’s all.

RIO: You’re rather simple-minded…

YUI: Huuh? It doesn’t matter, right? This is just how I normally am.

YUI: It’s all thanks to our staff and co-stars that we’re able to give the best performances that we possibly can!

YUI: …Right?

YUI: I’m only able to be the person I am today thanks to my comrades, my friends, our SICKS, our staff…

YUI: And… the people who support us.

MEGU: Eh? Did YUI really just say something pretty good?

DAI: Ah? What did he say? I wasn’t listening at all. Could ya say it again?

YUI: Huh? No way!

IV: C’mon, guys, quiet down. mona’s rehearsal is about to begin.

RIO: Her performance has gotten much better than before.

YUI: I know, right?

YUI: Ah, speaking of which, IV. Regarding that talk about my solo part from before…

YUI: RIO and I talked about it yesterday, and we’ve decided that we’re going with the audience incitement approach this time.

IV: Got it. I’ll leave it to you two, YUI and RIO.

IV: Let’s give another great performance tonight.

IV: But first… let’s show the rest the sheer differences in our abilities at our rehearsal.

[aonoexpat]

Long time no blog

01-04-2023

I've been putting off writing another post for a long time now, I just hadn't found the time to take a moment and sit down for this. Things have been quite hectic, and it feels like months have passed since I wrote anything! I'm in this strange mixed state of thriving in some areas and just surviving in others. But finally the chaos seems to be settling down a bit. I'll give y'all an overview of what's been happening:

Work 💼

Out of those three jobs I mentioned I found, two of them could only offer me a casual contract, and the other one ended up hiring somebody else last minute. Bit disappointing, and quite stressful, because living expenses can be pretty high and I wouldn't feel very comfortable traveling around without saving some money first. I did consider trying my luck in different cities, but my flatmate got me in touch with another bar in the city, and yesterday I finally signed a part-time contract with them! I'll be starting next Tuesday. Combining that with the two casual jobs and busking (and perhaps other bars getting back to me) I'm hoping to finally start breaking even, or even better, be able to start saving 🤞 Oh and old bar news: that manager got fired! He'd been spreading more lies and gossip about me to my other colleagues, but we got to have a good laugh about it 😂 I'm so glad I was able to leave on good terms with them, because they were truly a lovely bunch of people!

Living Situation 🏡

Though living with my wonderful friends and third flatmate has been a blessing, I feel like I could save some money and effort by moving closer to the city. It currently takes me about 40 minutes by bus to get to the centre, or more than that to get to the markets I busk at. Those buses also stop running around 23:00, and frequently get cancelled due to staff shortage, so getting home after a hospitality shift or a night out can be a challenge. Besides that, getting my own place would help me feel a bit more independent. So I used the website roomies to search for a new flat, but that wasn't too successful. Apparently a lot is arranged through Facebook over here, and I don't have an account there. Luckily my dear mother allowed me to use hers, and I joined five flatmate searching pages. It was a bit of a culture shock to look for a room here. You don't look for three weeks from now, no, because all ads are from people looking for a new flatmate for three days from now. Europe's housing crises haven't reached this side of the world, so I could say goodbye to kijkavonden (Dutch room-searching ritual where several people are invited to the same flat at the same time and have to vy for the attention and good graces from the other tenants) and have a much more chill time with the whole process. Mind you, I was still quite picky myself, so I ended up messaging a total of 29 people, and going to 8 viewings. I sent out my first message on the 21st of March, and yesterday I started the process of becoming the new tenant of my new room! The room I got was my first choice, and though it's the cheapest room I've seen out there, it's clean, it's spacious, it's not at the top of one of Wellington's many hills (see how integrated I am, I've stopped calling them mountains!), it's a good distance from everything, it's not on a busy street and best of all: it doesn't have a mould problem like so many houses out here. Apparently that's a huge issue, as I've definitely witnessed in other houses, due to most buildings being made out of wood to make them more earthquake-resistant, humid weather and cold Antarctic (Southerly) winds. I'll be moving next week, and I'm very excited about it 😁

Music 🎶

The biggest reason why I decided to struggle through my lack of work and stay in Wellington was its never-ending music and art scene. I feel like I'm meeting incredible people left and right every day 💜 Here's a quick summary, please go check out their linked pages!

I've been getting together with another busker to jam and harmonise, which we're hoping to debut in public some time soon! He's one of the most humble but extremely talented people I've ever met, and I feel like we're quickly becoming good friends :)

I've been invited to sing in a band and apply my harmonising skills with them as well, which has been great fun. Joined in at one of their band practices, got to chill with their cat, and learned to sing their original songs! The leading lady said she'd love to write music for me and make me famous 🤩 Would be really cool to play a gig with them!

I met another musician on the bus who invited me to an open mic night, where I was blown away by the level of talent! One of the artists that played there invited me to a gig of theirs a couple weeks from now, and I'm going to try my very best to go. I exchanged a lot of compliments with the other singers, all in all felt like a great night!

I got to busk at "Wellington's most creative and diverse free arts festival", Cubadupa. It went wonderfully, I wore my favourite weird little outfit, got to sing songs from Frozen for the little kids that were wandering around, did some contact juggling, and got gifted a gorgeous pair of handmade earrings by Ear Vibes ❤️

I got approached by a very kind woman who ushered me into Newtown Acoustic Sound, a judgement-free, open-minded and welcoming little open mic night that has been running for 7.5 years now. I was lucky to be there and listen to the country sounds of Alan Downes, who was kind enough to invite me to his home in Napier should I pass through!

In general, every time I go busking I feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do. I made a little sign that says "Give me a smile! ... or change :)" and it's the best thing. Watching people read it, look up at me, and flash me a smile makes my day every single time. Kids are the absolute best, there was a young boy the other day who made his parents wait around for me to finish setting up the amp and start playing, and stayed to listen for four songs. Another time a tiny thing of a girl came galloping up to me with a 5$ note in her hand and just held it out to me, so I had to stop playing to accept it, and thanked her a bunch. Sometimes people donate something else, like an avocado or a pear that they just bought from one of the fruit and veggie stalls at the markets. The interactions with the people around me are very special to me, from one of the stall holders joining me for a couple songs to people telling me they thought it was the radio playing. From getting recommendations for new songs to learn, to meeting an elderly Dutch gentleman who was overjoyed to find somebody he could speak his own language with. From getting offered rides and free bread, to a woman telling me that day was her birthday and my music was like a gift to her. It's incredibly fulfilling, and I made sure my market days stay free with my new job, because I don't want to ever stop!

I did manage to get a second busking-induced sunstroke (go me), so I got acquainted with one of these fellows, and it's pretty good stuff if you ever find yourself dehydrated!

Miscellaneous cool stuff

Another fun update: I SAW MY FIRST KIWI! I took a night tour at Zealandia and their wonderful guides led us through the park, showing off the Takahē, the glow worms, the Tuatara, and their pride and joy: the nocturnal Kiwi Pukupuku, or Little Spotted Kiwi. We were lucky to see one, because they can be quite shy! The young male that we saw was calmly browsing the undergrowth for insects to feed on. I wasn't able to shoot a photo or video of him unfortunately, but the image is etched in my memory as a cool little milestone of my Aotearoa adventure :)

I also had a great night out all the way in Upper Hutt, at the Audiology & UKF festival, Wellington edition! Besides being overjoyed to see my all-time favourite drum & bass DJ, Fox Stevenson, I was blown away by a local duo called Jaymac B2B Vujanix. All in all a great night, the organisers were very chill and the crowd was wonderful ❤️

Some more cool nature shots:

Also, I'm finally getting better at understanding the kiwi accent. The thing that messes me up the most is how they pronounce e-like sounds like i-like sounds. So the name 'Ella' is said more like 'Illa'. This caused a really confused look to take over my face when somebody told me the weather was so nice, she "couldn't wait to go home and sit on her deck." 🙃 However: the other day somebody said "I'm gonna get a beer," and my mind automatically parsed it as "I'm gonna get a bear," which was a similarly disorienting experience. But it means my brain is overcompensating, and will likely soon arrive at that sweet middle ground where I won't have to go around asking people to repeat themselves anymore.

Last but not least, a couple days ago I had the honour of witnessing a Māori Karakia and Haka in real life. We've all seen the videos, surely, but being there in the flesh was a whole different experience. Goosebumps galore, and a whole bunch of reverence for their passion and their voices. I hope to learn a lot more about Māori culture and the process of decolonisation on these islands. I've gotten the feeling that descendants of white European colonisers like to paint a more positive picture of their cohabitation with the Māori culture than it realistically is, which is quite depressing. Once I've found my footing a bit more I hope to be able to dive into this a lot more deeply. If anybody has sources or references for me, I'm all ears!

[lifewithoutmeds]

March 18, 2024

Monday.

Saturday (Lana's birthday dinner) was okay. There were a total of six of us, including mirna, and i ended up talking to her most of the time. i tried to stay on topic, that is, trying to be conversational and a part of other people's conversations, but towards the end, i think i started crying again, in the bathroom, and just weeping and everybody consoling me and me being embarrassed, and after dinner, mirna and i got a drink at the nearby farbar, and i was thinking how jadai and her coworkers came here once, and i called up the staff and asked to be billed for a pitcher of margaritas and vegetarian nachos, and i was so pleased to be thinking about how surprised and glad they would be when they got them. so of course far bar made me weepy too. mirna was kind, sympathetic, of course, and she told me about her exes, and her current boo and how hard things have been and it was somewhat reassuring to know that other people struggled too, even when they were together, even when they were partnered.

sunday i went to church and met grace k there. i cried at church again and then wept talking to grace afterward. i then went to meet amy lee for lunch and cried the whole time. after a nap or cleaning or something i met up with patrick, caroline, grace y and her husband, and we went to this st. patrick's day thing that patrick's friend was hosting and we had dinner, some whiskey, live irish music, and some table magic. halfway through i started to cry and james showed some genuine irritation/frustration at me. i thought the singer looked like jadai, she sant a song off of U2's joshua tree album, i thought of how i'd been to joshua tree three times with jadai, once for her birthday, they sang sinead o'connor's "nothing compares to you" and i cried and cried.

i just feel again that everything is so sad and painful and pointless and that jadai was the light of my life and extinguished it when she left it. today is monday and i woke up with the now familiar heaviness, the defeated long sighs, feeling deflated, broken.

however.

however.

i'm having some interesting insights.

in my last therapy session with kelda, i suddenly burst out that i didn't think i needed to tell jadai how i was feeling, and that i would rather that she didn't feel bad, because i was worthless. and i kind of was startled at this admission. i don't think i'd ever articulated it before, but there it was, out in the open. even yesterday or so, i was thinking about how as much as i've been pedestalizing jadai, one genuine flaw that i could agree with was that she had abandoned cooper, just thrown him away when he outlived his usefulness, and how cooper didn't deserve it, that he was the best dog, that it wasn't him that changed, it was her. and then it struck me that .... i somehow thought it was the worst crime that she would abandon him, but that somehow it was acceptable that it could happen to me. that somehow, i believed that i should be treated less than cooper. that i was less worthy than a dog (to be fair, cooper is a one of a kind, a one in a million dog, but still, the point stands.)

i'm just kind of catching myself with surprise as i realize the extent to how poorly i perceive myself. at how little i think i deserve. at how little i think i am. at how meaningless, worthless, and insignificant i am. it's almost shocking. and it explains so much.

it explains why i have such a hard time with children, because they don't respect me, because they don't listen, because i can't establish boundaries, and because they trample all over me and only because i seem to let them, i end up avoiding them and resenting them instead of being firm and standing my ground.

it explains why i rarely speak up, why i scurry to the sides, why i nearly jump off the sidewalk when others walk by. somehow, they are more deserving of sidewalk space than i am, and i need to always bow down, always defer, always just get out of the way, an inconvenience that should never be a bother to anyone.

it's why i paid for lorena and DJ's meals, why i became so subservient, why i would pick them up and drop them off at LAX, wash their cars, fill their gas tanks with premium gas. somehow it was enough to be in their presence, somehow, mere proximity was good enough for me. i remember saying something about how marvelous it would be just to touch the hem of their garment. i had elevated them to gods and myself to a worshiper.

i actually remember once crushing on jennifer anniston and wishing i could be her chauffeur or even her loyal dog. just to be there. just to be near her. to protect her, to serve her, but it never occurred to me that i could be loved by her, adored by her, cared for by her.

and i'm realizing now why the loss of jadai has been so devastating.

i have been longing for relationship, true, deep, meaningful, completely accepting relationship my whole life. although my parents met my financial and physical needs, i still felt left out, i often felt ignored and alone, that as long as my basic needs were met, my wants weren't. they wouldn't stop when i wanted to stop on our roadtrips. they wouldn't let me go where i wanted to go in china. they rarely acquiesced to my desires, to my pleading, and then that longing was still there, but long unmet.

i always latched onto some female for comfort, for friendship, for acceptance. i needed someone to watch out for me, to sit with at lunch, to walk through the school hallways with. i remember that there'd be this patch of grass or pavement that my friend group would always sit at during lunch, but on rainy days, when we couldn't meet, i didn't know where anyone was. we would just separately exit our classrooms and i don't know if they found other lunch partners, but i rarely did, and i'd just wander, and go back and forth to the restrooms, and up and down the stairs, just biding my time, because i felt so desperate and alone and embarrassed at my aloneness.

this would explain my fervent attachment to nida (well, a lot of things would), and how my happiest times were when i felt completely seen, accepted, and understood. when i had a group, a support network. this would be when i was in RP class 69 and i had lunch friends, happy hour friends. when grace k and grace y were in their low periods, and i had church friends, after-church friends, concert-friends, drinking buddies, hangout buddies.

my worst moments were when i felt alone, isolated, ignored, forgotten. when grace k and grace y would skip off together and temporarily ignore me. when i'd become their driver and they'd giggle in the backseat, with some inside joke that i couldn't hear. at weddings when people would pair off or get lost dancing, or whatever, i would just wander away and 9 times out of 10, go missing, black out, cry, and then not quite know what happened.

of course in my 30's, my friends started to leave. they got married, they moved, they had kids, they got busy. they were either marrying or dreaming of marriage, and i somehow knew that that was not in my cards, as i fought being a lesbian, or just had to accept that even if i was, i could not embrace it, i could not find a partner, that i'd be so alone.

and then came jadai. beautiful, brilliant jadai. strong in every way i was weak, tall when i was short, fit when i was fat, brave when i was weak. she was so admirable, and she loved me so so much. i could do no wrong. she thought i was so smart, so funny, so capable, and even things i never thought of myself as, such as beautiful, desirable, lovable. she was my best friend, my protector, my confidante, my partner in every way. suddenly, i was never alone. suddenly, i didn't need to scramble or beg people to go places with me, jadai was eager and willing. finally i could book all of those camping spots, i could go fishing and to lakes and to rivers and to hikes because she was so strong and so tall and i felt so safe. finally i had someone to take trips with, vacations with, i had new year's day plans, i had july 4th plans, i suddenly had such a big and loving community/support group in her friends and family, and the biggest fan club because they saw how well i took care of jadai, how kind i was to her, how considerate i was towards her. she thought the world of me, and i felt so confident for the first time. i felt that everything was worth it, that every struggle, every misery, all of the suffering was finally being made up for because this was the gold at the end of the rainbow. had i known it would have come to this, i would have been much less despairing for the majority of my life.

and then, almost just as suddenly as i was everything to her, i became nothing. i was lazy. i was unmotivated. i slept too much. i couldn't run as far or bicycle as long. i wasn't socially aware enough. i was selfish and self-centered. i didn't care about BIPOC or LGBTQIA rights or systemic change, policy change, abolishment of police, decriminalization of almost everything. suddenly i wasn't extraordinary at all. suddenly, i was not even mediocre. i was worthless.

and that's the full circle. i had felt worthless before she came into my life. i felt worthy when she was in my life. and i felt even more worthless once she left.

i'm again starting to creep out of this vast abyss. as much as i'm worshiping her, idolizing her, mis-remembering her to be perfect, this is less a reflection of her own weaknesses or character flaws and more of my convictions regarding my lack of self worth. she was the sun, and she made my life bright, and then when she left i was left in darkness.

i need to remember that jadai is not the sun, and that i am not a faceless void without her.

i somehow need to remember that i have value, even if she doesn't see it in me anymore or remind me of it.

she showed me, for a time, that i was smart, that i was capable, that i was funny, that i was sociable, that i could fit in, that i could be seen and known and accepted, that i could be viewed as attractive, but mostly that i could be desired and even loved.

jadai didn't want to wait for me to become closer to who she wanted by our relationship's end. i wasn't young enough, athletic enough, civic minded enough, brave enough, or ready enough for marriage. and she found someone who was all of those things. i understand in some way that we had deep, far-reaching incompatibilities. i understand (sometimes) that it wouldn't have lasted. and the longer it went on, the more it would hurt, because i'd just have banked so many more good memories, that harder i would have clung to not lose how she made me feel.

i understand that right now, even though i can't quite grasp it or believe it enough to make a difference emotionally. my heart still stings, just tiny little slices of the sharpest knife. this can't last forever. i don't think i could mentally bear it. i'm getting so exhausted. i'm sprouting white hairs. my sighs are getting deeper.

i need as always, to learn self-love, self-care. i cannot seek out a relationship to cure my loneliness, to heal my brokenness, to show me my worth. somehow, someway, i need to claw it out myself.

goals, as usual, as always.

things i'm insecure about: weight, appearance, dress/style how to improve: eat healthily, exercise, shower more often, commit to a skin-regimen, and go shopping occasionally to see what might look good on me. value added to the world how to improve: focus more on what i think i could do to ease the world's suffering, or even some people's suffering. animal shelter volunteering, kits for the homeless, some sort of volunteering for LGBTQIA youth

creative outlet learn more about fishing, excel in it, share it with others write more, and consider writing formally, either in poetry or memoir-form learn more about things in general, read manuals, just improve a few skills

i think i need to work on this twofold: remind myself of my strengths. be aware of and work on my weaknesses. strive for regular and continuous improvement.

ultimately, i need to be at a place where i'm not dependent on some external force for validation. somehow, someway, i need to make this life meaningful and beautiful for me.

[ariaintaiwan]

Day 3: That Went Better Than Expected

Today was the first day of classes, and I wasn't nervous going in because I knew that today would be introductions and the like, and I've spent a lot more time speaking Chinese in Chinese classes than anywhere else, so when I have to only use Chinese everywhere, a Chinese class because the place I'm by far most comfortable in. After the introductions, we had a break, and during the break, I had the only bad thing of the day happen. It turns out we had two assignments before the first class and when I checked my phone yesterday it had only shown me one, so I didn't do the reading that I needed for the second part of class. Thankfully it wasn't a big deal since I had a bit of time to read the story during the break and the reading was mostly words I already knew so I didn't need to memorize a ton of vocab, but it was definitely embarrassing and I did slip up on one of the words when I had to read aloud. After the reading, we had a group assignment where we had to discuss our answers to some opinion questions that post them online as a group. It was mostly fine but we didn't have enough time to answer them after the discussion so that was a bit annoying. It was no big deal though since I at least understood the questions and instructions, and that was the last part of class since we didn't have the meetings afterward that we're going to have in the future. We got out of class at lunch time, so I left to go get lunch. I ran into a group of classmates and we started talking, and I ended up going with them. They were trying to figure out how to say something in Chinese, and I was able to help them. That surprised me as I generally don't think I speak very good Chinese, and I was expecting to be one of the worst on my program, but it turned out I was the one in the group who spoke the most Chinese. They kept asking me questions, and I was able to answer a lot of them, so they started calling me "teacher" which was really funny but also genuinely gratifying and a nice confidence booster. Before getting lunch, we stopped at a stationery store and explored for a while. I ended up getting some compression gloves for my hands since I've wanted them for a while and they were half the price that they are in the US. I tried them out and omg I love those things. I never thing that my hands hurt in my day-to-day life, but then I put those on and suddenly feel a ton of relief from pain I didn't know was there. I also got some utensils so next time I want to eat fruit, I don't need to go on an hour-long quest to borrow a Swiss army knife that's nowhere near big enough for the job. After we left the stationery store, we started walking towards the hotel and looking for a restaurant on the way, and we ended up at a hot pot restaurant. Ordering was a challenge as the person in our group who spoke the least Chinese also has a severe peanut allergy, so we had to ask about that. There were separate issues with ordering that I don't really know what were since two of the other people went to order and I didn't hear it, but I eventually went up to help them since by that point I had accepted that I was the one there who spoke the best Chinese even if I'm not particularly great at it. The staff didn't understand what I was saying the majority of the time, but we eventually got our food, and it was incredible. I went with three other people, and it was only about 16 USD to feed the four of us. Rice, drinks, and ice cream were all free. They even had a passionfruit slush that I had a good few cups of, but they also had tea, soft drinks, etc.

After eating, we started heading back to the hotel. On the way, we ran into some old Taiwanese men eating outside a restaurant, and one of them apparently lived in the US back in the 90s, so he started talking to us. He asked my friend where they were from and talked to her for a while before mentioning that his friend's son was single and living in Seattle if anyone was looking for a Taiwanese man, which was funny. After that, we split up because two of us wanted to go back to the hotel and the other two wanted to go to get more time on their phones since the SIM cards we got only last until July 1st. Once I got back to the hotel, I wanted to do my homework since I had to do today's as well as go back and do the assignment I missed, but I was super tired when I got back and ended up having a nap first. I woke up at about 6:30, did homework for the next 3 hours, and went to 7/11 for a late dinner. I saw two of the people who I had lunch with there as well as another classmate, and I ended up talking to them for a while before heading back to the hotel to finish my food and write this post. It's now 11:15, which, incredibly shockingly by my standards, is later than I've been up since I got to Taiwan, so I'm ready to finally get to bed. Hopefully I can sleep quickly since I need to get to class early tomorrow, and tomorrow's also the first day that I travel there alone instead of with a group, so I've gotta give extra time for figuring that out. I'm a bit worried about that since I had the nap earlier, but it should be fine.

[lianahayze]

Shadow and the Midnight Misery: Chapter 5

Hi y'all! Not much to say, so let's get started! Chapter 4 is here if you need to catch up. Enjoy!

Chapter 5: The Notebook

"It's actually not as bad as it looks."

My eyes stare down at the food in the bowl in front of me. It looks like oatmeal... but not. It doesn’t have any texture, and I doubt it has any taste. I haven't touched the spoon and I'm damn well not about to touch the food. It's probably just protein bullshit, anyway.

"I like to put chocolate in mine."

I look up at the girl sitting across from me. Red hair high in a bun and cheeks colored with blush, she looks like she's barely out of high school. She offers me a smile.

"Hi, I don't think we've met. I'm Tally."

"Shadow."

"Nice to meet you, Shadow. You haven't been here long, have you?" Is it that obvious? "Well, I think it's great. The situation sucks, but what are you gonna do, ya know?"

Why is she talking to me? For someone who's locked up, she entirely too happy, especially this early in the morning.

Last night I’d slept terribly. Like I'd predicted, the mattress had been super uncomfortable. No matter what position I’d been in, I'd been unable to fall asleep. Around two in the morning, I'd just given up and worked on some lyrics. I haven't looked them over yet, but it had been the only way to pass the time.

"My mom and step-dad picked this place out. I thought for a really long time that they were just trying to get rid of me, and it's taken me some time, but I think I'm finally starting to see that's not true at all." She giggles. "Anyway, I'm trying to be more positive these days."

I give her a hard look. I wonder what she's here for. Maybe she's simply crazy? Nah, that's not it. Garver specializes in dependency issues. But she just doesn't look like she's ever been on anything. She looks too young.

"Actually, I miss them. I'll get to see them soon, though."

This is so much to process. I hadn't struck up a conversation with her; I'd intentionally chosen a seat away from everyone. Yet, it's as if she'd picked me out of the crowd, determined to make me her friend.

For the next few minutes, she sits there quietly eating her breakfast. She doesn't say anything else, acting like it's totally normal for her to be sitting there, like we've known each other for years. After swallowing her last bite, she grabs her bowl and stands.

She looks down at my food, still untouched. "Anyway, you should give that a go." She smiles. "Have a good day!"

She walks off. I watch her go for a moment before calling, "Hey! Why are you being nice to me?"

She turns back to me. The smile on her face is still there, but it's smaller. She shrugs. "I dunno. You were sitting alone. You shouldn't have to be alone, especially here." She waves. "Bye."

With that, she drops off her bowl and heads out of the room.

The whole experience was surreal. Outside of the band, I don't really have friends. Well, besides Dean, that is. But our history is weird, and we mostly bond over music, drugs, and a botched attempted relationship. Standing in front of hundreds of fans? Sure, easy. Interviews? No problem. Anything that has to do with my music, I'm great at talking about it, but talking to people just for the sake of talking to them? Not exactly my forte.

I'm so confused that, later in the day, when it's time for me to meet with Dr. Norris, I'm still thinking about it. I check in with one of the members of staff to let them know that I'm still accounted for then head over to her office. I try not to think about yesterday, about collapsing in the hall. No one saw me, but I'm a little paranoid, wondering if it had been caught on camera.

I look up towards the ceiling. I don't see any cameras, but that doesn't mean they aren't there. Cameras inside the building would completely eliminate anonymity and privacy, but recording everything could help guarantee patient safety.

I sigh. Oh well. Either way, I'm about to find out.

I knock on the door and wait. As I'm standing there, my stomach growls. With cocaine, I can usually suppress my hunger but, because I haven’t been able to do that within the last day, I'm suddenly acutely aware of how long it's been since I've had a real meal. Maybe I should have taken Tally's advice and tried that disgusting looking breakfast.

The door opens and I'm greeting by Dr. Norris's smiling face.

"Hi, Shadow," she says, stepping out of the way and allowing me to come in. "How are you this morning?"

I shrug as she closes the door. After we both sit down, I say, "Same as always."

"And what does ‘same as always’ look like?"

I roll my eyes. I know she's just doing her job, but it makes me feel like I’m a puzzle, one she’s trying to put together. "I'm awake. It's morning. I would rather be asleep."

"Are you a night owl, then?"

That's probably not the most accurate way to describe it, but I'll go with it. Most of the time I just stay up until I collapse somewhere, but it's probably not smart to tell her that. "Sure."

"So. How have your first twenty-four hours here been?"

I stare off into the distance, recalling the trashed bathroom. I'd have to drop sixty bucks just to replace that foundation. Just thinking about it makes me sigh.

"What's the matter?"

I shrug. "Just thinking."

"About what?"

"Like, I just don't get it. I don't need to be here, and everyone forced me to come here because they think I'm messing up The Midnight Misery —my band—but we won't get anything done with me in here."

"In my experience, therapy rarely comes at a good time for people."

It's not just that, though. "I thought I had a choice, but they really forced my hand." Mentally replaying yesterday over and over, all I can do is lean back and shake my head. Though I’m cold, I also feel restricted. I push up the sleeves to my black sweater.

"You're--"

"Lucky, I know." I just don’t feel lucky. "I get it. I just..." It's starting to become a habit, my words failing me. "Anyway, what are we talking about today? I need to get out of here ASAP."

"Why?"

What did she mean, "Why?" Certainly, I'm not the first person she'd treated who doesn't want to be in here?

"I have stuff to do."

"Shadow, all of that stuff will be there when you get out. Your friends, your family, your music. None of it's going anywhere. I’m going to ask you a couple of questions and learn a little bit more about your addiction. Is that okay?"

I start to tell her that I didn't have an addiction, but the look on her face quiets me. I nod.

"How long would you say you've been using?"

"Uh, since I was sixteen? Seventeen?" I pause to think about it. I probably first drank when I was fifteen and started doing it regularly when I was sixteen. The weed probably started about the same time. Cocaine was most likely when I was nineteen?

At this point, it's all a blur.

"Do you recall why you started in the first place?"

"Just being a teenager. My dad's had his own bourbon brand for years, so I grew up around that." For some reason, I feel the need to add, "Not that he ever tried to encourage me." I tried to laugh. "He just, uh, never tried to stop me."

She makes a couple of notes. "What’s your relationship like with your father?"

I smile, and for the first time since I’ve been here, I actually feel a slight tinge of happiness. "It's great. He supports my music career; everyone in the band is obsessed with him. He tries to give me pointer every once in a while, but most of the time I ignore him. Wanna make my own way, ya know? But when we were looking for a label, he basically handled everything. Well, his legal team did. Huge God Send. And them when we needed a--"

Suddenly I stop. My mind has wandered further back than I'd like, digging up old memories that are better kept locked away. I clear my throat, looking down at my hands.

"Well. As much as hate to admit it, I guess he's responsible for my entire career."

"I'm sure you've worked very hard to get yourself where you are today, Shadow. What parent doesn't help their child out? However, I wasn't referring to your music career." I look up at back her, my head tilted slightly to the side. "How is he as a father? How are you as a daughter?"

"He's fine—not strict. He lets me do what I want."

"Your mom?" She's typing as she speaks.

"She lives in Oklahoma. I see her maybe once or twice a year." It’s been that way since I was little, and, to be honest, it doesn't bother me one bit.

"So, you spend most of your time with your band?"

I nod. "Yeah, I mean I'm either in the studio or on the road with them, so were pretty close--very close, actually." At least, we were.

"Do you think everything will be okay between all of you after this?"

I shrug. "I dunno." She asks me to elaborate. "I just don't feel like I can trust them, to be honest."

"That's valid."

I'm surprised she says that. "It’s okay?"

"Of course. You're unhappy now, aren't you?" My eyes are wide as I nod. "Maybe angry?" Again, I nod. "And I'm assuming you're also very jittery and anxious and unsure what to do?"

It's as if she's reading my mind. "But what am I supposed to do?" I ask.

Looking me over. She leans back. The wheels on her chair scrap sharply against the floor. It an uncomfortable noise, one that grinds me the wrong way.

"I think you need long-term therapy, Shadow."

She's made that judgement just by meeting with me a couple of times? My heart fills with dread. "Does that mean I have to stay here?" It's barely been over twenty-four hours and I feel like I'm already going insane.

"I think we can decide that tomorrow." It's not the answer I want, but I keep my mouth shut. "But, regardless, talk therapy is good for everyone."

"I don't have problems, though," I insist.

"Maybe you don't think that you do, but everyone has problems. Some are just more extreme than others. That's why talk therapy is good for everyone, not just a select few."

Yeah, whatever.

"But what do you think you should do?" she asks.

I frown. What do I think I should do? I think I should be allowed to leave, but I highly doubt she’ll agree with that. I also think I should be allowed to light up a joint, but, again, that's not exactly part of the program. When I finally do speak, it comes out more sarcastic that I intend.

"If I was allowed to do what I want, I wouldn't be here."

"Understandable." She pauses. "I tell you what." Wheeling her chair back (and causing it to make that God-awful noise again), she stands. She walks over to the cabinet against the wall. She turns the key that's already in the lock and opens the top drawer. She pulls something out then sits back down. As she puts it on the table in front of me, I lean forward to look at it.

It's a notebook. It doesn't have spirals like the one I typically use, and it looks a little heavier, but it has a nice design on the front: some gold embossing.

I scoot it back towards her. "I already have a notebook." I'm not exactly looking for a new one, either. I like keeping all my lyrics in one place, and it's annoying when I finish one notebook and have to start a new one.

"Consider this a fresh start." She scoots it back to me, and I have to balance it against my fingertips to prevent it from falling. "It's good that you're already writing down your thoughts, but the less baggage you have to carry, the better your recovery will be."

Recovery, similarly, to the word "addiction," leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I have to resist the urge to wince.

"What, you want me to write and share it with you?"

"Oh no. I'd never assume to intrude into your personal thoughts. It's just that... Sometimes, it's easier for people to verbalize things when they write them down first. Pretend it’s a practice run."

"I thought the whole point of a diary was so that you didn't have to share anything with anyone."

"Some people use them for that, too. Overall, they're great for clarity."

"What am I supposed to write about?"

"It’s not a school assignment, Shadow,” she says, “write about what you want."

"And then...?"

"And then that's it. There's nothing else you have to do."

Though she says it's not an assignment, it feels like one. I exhale and shrug. "Yeah, fine. I guess I can do that." It makes me nervous, though. Why am I afraid that everything I write might be used against me?

"If you don't know where to start, pretend as if you're writing your life story." I must have given her a puzzled expression, for she says, "You don't have to write about a specific day. You can just write about your life in general. And for someone who's in a band and writes music, I can't imagine that too difficult."

It's not; I just don't see the point.

Still, I'm willing to agree to whatever she wants me to do if it's gets me out of here.

"Yeah, I'll give it a go."

She smiles. "Excellent. But in order for this to work, you need to set aside time every day. Make a habit; not just when you feel like it. Maybe when you first get up in the morning or right before you go to bed."

My usual morning routine generally involves a nicely rolled joint, so I guess I'll save the diary nonsense for the evening.

"You can try it for a while, and, as we continue to work together, maybe we'll find something else that's better suited for you. Can you try something for me, though?" I nod. "Whenever you choose to do, I also want you to consider your withdrawal. What symptoms are you noticing? Is it better or worse than the day before? Rate it out of ten, with ten being the most difficult to process."

"And that's what I share with you?"

She shakes her head. "You don't share anything with me that you write down. This is for you, Shadow. Not me."

The rest of the session goes by quickly. She asks me a couple of questions. I answer them the best I can, but it feels like I'm beginning to sound repetitive. By the time we finish up, I wonder: has she been asking me the same questions over and over this entire time, or is it just impossible for me to answer without saying the same thing over again?

Either way, it’s tiring.

As I walk back to my room, I clutch the notebook under my arm. I'm going to try—I really am—but I don't see it lasting beyond a couple of days. Writing lyrics is easy, but writing about my emotions and how I feel and how I just desperately want a bump?

Who knows how that’s going to go?

-

A/N: Thoughts? What do you think will happen next? Let me know what you think here. Chapter 6 will be out on Tuesday. Hope your weekend is off to a great start; talk soon!

-Liana

[resi4skz]

From Brush to Heart (a bang chan fanfic) CHAPTER 5

Pairings: Bang Chan/Rebecca(OC), Han/Luna(OC) Genre: Romcom

Standing across the one building that I'll be soon familiar with starting today. Yesterday was a long day and I finally got to meet the boys. The boys were very humble and friendly. I sip on the iced coffee in my hand as I open the camera app on my phone. I angle the phone to snap a good picture to send it to Luna. Except the sun was so bright today and the camera wasn't capturing anything good.

"So who do you want to see come out those doors?"

I nearly jump out of my skin and almost drop my phone. I whip my head to the right and see blonde hair with blue and pink streams and a face mask. He turns his head and I can't tell if he's smiling. "Holy fu-" I cover my mouth. He chuckles and I don't think I've ever listened to such a sweet laugh before. "Sorry."

"It's quite alright. It happens when people see me," he replies. "So who were you expecting to see come out?"

You....is what I want to say. "No one, really. Just wanted to take a picture to send it to a friend."

"I see." For the next few minutes, we stand watching people walk by and cars pass by when he finally speaks again. "Becca-ssi."

"Please. Just call me Becca." 

"Becca." The hair on my neck stand up. 

"Ne?"

"Do you live alone?"

"Yes, I do. Why?" This was a very random thing to ask.

"You don't seem like the type of person to live by yourself. No family?"

I blink twice and think before answering. Why is he asking all of a sudden? "Mom died when I was 7. Dad remarried his mistress and now he lives with her and her son. That answer your question?"

He looks at me like I have 2 heads. "Yeah. It does." 

"Okay." I tuck a hair behind my ear. "It was nice to see you again but I have to go." I bow and take my leave. My heart hammering against my chest didn't help at all.

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A couple of months go by and I start to get used to my job. I soon learn that the boys dyed their hair again. Apart from Chan and Felix where now fully blonde, the rest of the boys had black to dark brown hair. It was for their Yellow Wood special album. I was still the main MUA for Chan, Felix and Han except another MUA got assigned to Han so I still left with the aussie boys. It was a relief actually on my part since I could communicate in english with them. 

But something about Chan made my stomach did turns every time I did his makeup. I summed it up to being in such close proximity but even then, I only felt my tummy turn when it came to him. His face structure was perfect. The chiseled jawline was built like a greek god. And his eyes, even though they weren't symmetrical, they were perfect for eye makeup. And his skin? Flawless and smooth. He had little to no blemishes. It was a wonder to why everyone envied the boys of their bare faced. 

The boys were having their lunch break in the makeup room and chatting about random things when the topics of boxing, anime and art comes up. I automatically tune into their conversation from where I'm standing.

"We need to have a boxing session soon." "The computer that I have needs to have a better graphics card."

"Hyunjin-ah, maybe try getting different brushes to make your paintings have a different look maybe?"

"Speaking of which, has anybody here watched The Attack on Titan yet?" Everyone goes quiet at Han's question. 

"Eh, I want to watch it but it doesn't seem appealing to me," Seungmin says as he takes a spoonful of curry. 

"I've watched the first episode and it looks good," Changbin says.

"Let's ask the staff later," I.N. asks.

It goes quiet for a few minutes and I go back to sorting out the makeup in front of me. "Why not ask now? Noona!" Han calls out. I turn around slowly and see their eyes all on me.

"Ne?" 

"Have you watched Attack on Titan?"

I watch as they wait for my answer. "Yes, I have. But I still need to watch the second season." The way Han's eyes lit up, I swear it was the cutest thing ever. 

"So who's your favorite character so far?" Han was like a kid excited to be finally given a lollipop. 

"That would have to Levi," I say proudly. But I blink as a pair of eyes stares at me. "What? Did I say something wrong?"

"Huh. And here I was thinking you were going to pick Eren," Han replies, his cheeks full of food like a chipmunk. 

"Ehhh, he's a badass but Levi gives off that bad boy vibes." I glance at the people in front of me. "Although, I have to give it to Eren since he can turn into a Titan." I watch as a pair of eyes are on us as we converse about the anime. When I glance up to see who it is, it's none other than Chan with a smile on his face. "I actually wanted to ask you all something. Do you know a good art museum in Seoul? I've been meaning to go to one."

It was Hyunjin's turn to look up. "You haven't been to one? I can name a few you can go to."

"Thank you," I smile. Now that I have their attention, I may as well ask.  "Do you all know where I can get some boxing gloves?"

"Wait, you box?" Changbin asks, surprised as Chan looks somewhat interested too.

"Uh, no," I reply, shaking my head. "But I want to take some lessons in it." I turn back around and go back to my previous task when I accidentally hit a bunch of lipsticks. "Dammit," I mumble under my breath and bend down to pick them up. Suddenly, a hand reaches at the same time and I look up to see Chan picking up the lipsticks. "It's okay, I can pick them up." How did I not hear him coming over here?

"Nah, it's okay. It's the least I could do for making the boys smile," he smiles as he hands me the lipsticks in my hands. We both stand up and there's a sudden awkwardness between us.

"Well, I'm glad," I smile. "I like to make people laugh and smile." 

"Thank you. They were a bit nervous for today's performance but talking to you made them feel a lot calmer."

"Oh, well. You're welcome." I bow my head and keep arranging my supplies and as soon as I hear him walk away, I fan my face with hand. Is it me or is it hot in here? Why did they all have to be so good looking?

I wrap up everything while they go to perform a few songs. Eun Ji, one of the staff members, asked to leave my phone number for the boys since I was one of the main MUAs now and they would need to contact me in case of an emergency. I gladly gave it and since I was done for the day, I decided to head home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I was cooking spaghetti and meatballs with light music playing in the back. It was nearing 8pm. "Luna, do you want a plate?"

"Yes, please! With extra cheese!" She yells from her room. I make her plate and grate extra parmesan on top and place it on her side of the table. I make mine with more sauce and sit down with garlic bread as Luna takes a seat axross from me.

"So how was working with the famous Stray Kids?" She asks and I sigh, as I take a bite of my food. "That bad, huh?"

"No, it's just....Chan gives me these vibes that I can't seem to shake off." 

"What do you mean?" She asks before taking a bite of garlic bread.

Before I can answer, my phone chimes. A group chat? I click on it and I let out a small gasp. It's the boys. They created a group?

Hy: anyeong becca~ B: becca, eun ji gave us your number F: noona, do you like brownies?

"Oh my god."

As I'm typing my reply, I see the others messages pop up in the group.

R: guys.... I: oh she speaks! Hy: noona! F: i'm making a batch so i can bring it tomorrow R: goodness, you guys are so sweet that my teeth hurt C: oh! Good one. S: oh grandpa is here I: don't you have work to do, old man? C: yah! 

I giggle at the messages and look up to see Luna with a raised eyebrow. "Oh, sorry. The guys have me in a group chat."

"Oh? Anything interesting?" She asks.

"No, just boys being boys," I replied as I type on my phone.

R: atleast hes taller than some of you

Ha: oop-

B:....wow

C: LOL hahahahaha im crying

"Don't fall for them."

I look up. "What?"

"You work for them. I don't want you to end up with a broken heart." 

I raise my eyebrow at her. "Would you relax? It's not even my first week in and you're already predicting things."

She rolls her eyes at me and goes back to eating her food. As I'm about to put my phone down, it chimes again. This time it's a message? I open it, my eyes wide.

C: hey, i wanted to apologize for the boys if they get too hyper

R: oh it's no problem at all. in fact, i like it. makes me think i have brothers

C: brothers, huh?

R: is that a problem?

C: no :)

Jeez, what's his problem? I put my phone down and eat. "So, how's work going for you so far?" I ask, chewing.

"Eh, busy as usual. Lots of cute guys though."

"Oh? Did you ask any of them out on a date?" I ask.

"Psh, yeah as if anyone will go out with me," she says and holds up a hand when she sees me about to protest. "Before you say anything, I know my worth. Besides, most of them had girlfriends already."

"Maybe you'll get the lucky guy soon. You never know." She rolls her eyes at my statement. 

"I can say the same to you."

"Please, I'm just here to strictly work." I replied.

"Uh huh. If you say so." 

She walks to the sink, washes her dishes and goes straight into her room. Tsh. What does she know about having to like someone only to dump them after 2 years?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, Luna and I decide to spend the day out and explore the city. And luck was on our side because the weather was sunny. Our first stop was to checkout any local sightseeing which was great since we took a lot of pictures, including selfies. For lunch, we went on a hunt at the convenience store and decided on kimbap and ramen. 

After lunch, we decided to go for a bit shopping for clothes and shoes. We went from shop to shop until we couldn't walk anymore. I made a mental note to sign up for driving lessons. It was starting to get dark out and all that walking had made us hungry again so we wanted something hearty and delicious. We come upon this great restaurant that serves the best BBQ and what's best to go with BBQ? Beer.

We order the food as soon as we sit. We carefully place our shopping bags on the chairs beside us. "Hopefully the food will arrive soon because I'm starving."

And right on cue, they serve us the food and start grilling the meat. I take a sip of the beer and pop a piece of meat in my mouth. "Oh my god, this is the best meat I've had."

"Seriously! This is so good," Luna replied, dipping hers in soy sauce. 

Halfway through, someone comes and stands by our table. I look up and he can't be more than 50 years old. But he's not looking at me. He's looking at Luna. "Ahjussi, are you okay?"

"Yah, you," he points to Luna who flinches a bit. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Ahjussi," I try again. "Is there something-" He smashes a glass on the floor making everyone in the restaurant look at us.

"You...dark skinned people need to go back to your own country."

What the fuck? "Chogiyo. Ahjussi." Luna at this point can only feel scared. I mean who wouldn't? Not me.

"Didn't you hear me?" What he says next is what sets me off. "Get your filth out of my country."

I stand up. "Yah, ssibal saekiya."

He turns to me. "Mwo? Ssi- YAH!" He yells.

"Mwo?!" I yell back, standing my ground. "Just because you can say whatever you want, doesn't mean we have to sit and hear it, gaesaekiya."

"Gaesaekiya? Yah! Neo dodaeche nuguya?!" He yells in my face. 

I smirk. Which seemed to piss him off and raises his hand to slap but I was faster than him. You could hear a pin drop after. He glares at me, cupping his cheek. "Oh I'm sorry, did that hurt?" I mock him. "Next time you want to yell slurs at people, look in the mirror first." 

I watch as he huffs and leaves, stomping his feet. A few people clap but I wave them off and glance at Luna, who's looking at me in awe. "You okay?"

"Uh huh," she nods and smiles. "Holy shit, that was....that was awesome."

"Aniya, that was nothing. I'm sorry you went through that."

"Are you kidding? You standing up for me made up for it," she grins as a server picks up the shattered glass on the floor left by that man. I smile at her and we resume eating our dinner.

**CHAN'S POV**

"Yah yah, stop it you two," I say to the two dorks in front of me.

"But hyung, he started it," Han whines pointing at Changbin.

I close my eyes, sighing. "Neo aedeul-iya?" Shaking my head, I walk forward with the duo walking behind me. I was finally able to eat out after such a long time. Work has been hectic lately and today was a breather for all of us. Han suggested we get BBQ while the rest stayed home. We promised we would bring them food and dessert. 

The restaurant that Han suggested was at a walking distance. Han and Binnie still bickered walking behind me. I swear I feel like a single dad sometimes. As we approached closer to the restaurant, I hear yelling coming from the inside. So being careful, we peek inside to see what's happening.

But what or should I say who, has me rooted in my spot. "Is that...?" Han asks.

"That's Becca, right?" Binnie asks.

I watch the scene unfold as an old man yells at her friend and then Becca suddenly stands up, swearing at him. I'm surprised she even knows the swear words in Korean. But what happens next is what shocks us three the most. The old man raises his hand at her but she slaps him first. She says something to him, at which he leaves angry. 

"Wow. She's badass," Han says.

That she was. When I see her friend smiling at her, a sudden relief goes through me. And then I see Becca is smiling as well. What? Why did my chest suddenly start hurting? She's only smiling. So why is my chest hurting? I try to shake off the feeling. "Oh, they're leaving," Binnie announces. We watch the duo walk out the restaurant, smiling and laughing as we watch them walk around the corner of the street. 

"Let's go, I'm starving." Han walks inside with Binnie following behind him. 

I place my right palm on my chest. It's gone. The pain is gone. Weird. I leave all the thoughts outside as I walk inside to join my friends for dinner.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Author's note: for future purposes, I will be posting the korean meaning at the very end. I also put who's texting to becca. Enjoy chapter 5.

Neo dodaeche nuguya = who the fuck are you? Ssibal saekiya= fucking bastard Gaesaekiya = son of a bitch Yah = hey (when yelling/annoyed) Aniya = no Mwo = what? Chogiyo = hey/look here Ahjussi = uncle Neo aedeul-iya = are you kids?

R = rebecca/becca L= Luna C = Chan B = Binnie I = I.N. Hy = Hyunjin Ha = Han F = Felix S = Seungmin Li = Leeknow

CH 1 | CH 2 | CH 3 | CH 4

[dzpenumbra]

2/27/23

I don't really know how to sum up the clusterfuck that was today. It wasn't too far off from the normal conflict... 3 sentences into time that was supposed to be reserved for figuring out what I'm going to do for transportation. We've tried this fucking conversation like 8 times now, she postponed it yesterday and now... it just descended into hell real quick.

The same issue. "It's my money, so I get a say in what you get." "I'm supporting you, so I choose." And she has completely taken advantage of this my entire life. There was a period of my life, I am actually cringing at this as I type it, where I had to drive around in a Mercedes Benz SUV because she insisted on making me drive it. For the "safety ratings". Whatever. I was working at a fucking gas station. And driving a Mercedes. Great way to make friends, man. Try explaining that shit. It's fucking humiliating. Getting a Mercedes has never even been on my fucking radar as goals in life. If you haven't noticed by my reaction here...

And I've encountered my fair share of people looking at me like a spoiled piece of shit saying all of this. I've had my own family call me a spoiled piece of shit for not wanting status symbol opulent bullshit. Is the narrative these desperate idiots are coming up with really "what, you're too good for a Mercedes? You're greedy!" That doesn't even make fucking sense! XD

It has been blowing my mind for literal decades how these people can't connect the dots here. And it hit me a few years back... they just clearly never got to know me at all. They just... get what they would want... and assume I would want it... and then emotionally and verbally beat the shit out of me if I'm not grateful and appreciative of something I don't like, and never will like. And, in this case, things that are really... the antithesis of my goals in life. And they take it personally. Every time.

So... after a very spotty track record with the whole car situation... I have been setting some pretty clear boundaries about like... Ugh, how can I put this... Like... If I say "support me as an artist", and your way of "supporting me" in my goals is to tell me to pursue the goals you want me to pursue? And you threaten to not support me if I don't change my goals to yours? Like... come on. That's not support, that's manipulation. That's some gaming conglomerate buying out an indie game dev studio saying "we love your games! we want to help you make more!" Then firing half the staff, gutting the company, white-washing the IP and turning it into mobile games with microtransactions. That's what it is. It's... wait for it... exploitation. It's using someone.

And with my situation... it's not being there to help me pick out a vehicle that will be my lifeline for the next several years... going through the process with me, getting excited, being encouraging and trying to make sure I'm happy with the end product and that it's going to meet my needs. Even setting up a plan to potentially repay that favor in some way, I'm open to that. Instead, it's telling me what my needs are, trying to pick it for me and leaving me to find a way to be happy with whatever option I'm given.

I have had former (very intentionally chosen modifier) friends give me shit for not being grateful I have parents that support me. My parents finance me. One of them occasionally peppers in some compliments, and sometimes they're heart-felt. They don't agree with any of my dozens of chosen career paths, they don't really seem to like or respect my lifestyle or personality, they reject my input and perspective whenever possible, they constantly look and talk down to me as though they were just... born better than me or something, they often treat me worse than they treat strangers... which I always found odd... It's really hard to define that as "support". Yes, they may finance me, but in the way that a sociopathic upper middle class suburban family might finance putting their elderly parent in an "old-folks home" half a continent away. Because I have PTSD, anxiety, depression and maybe other shit too, jury's still out... and I was born a multimedia artist.

In a consumerist, materialistic, industrial capitalist society? I would give anything to have my biggest problem with people be that I fuck dudes, or I'm a woman's spirit trapped in a man's body. I am the antichrist for corporate America. I am the problem. There is nothing that industrial materialists hate (and I do stress the word hate) more than a "lazy layabout" who fucking paints all day.

It's obviously not a competition, and gay and trans people have their own struggles... I'm genuinely scared someone might straight up attack me for saying that I wish I was gay or trans instead of an artist born to economists, that my suffering would be less. Tell me that's not a symptom of a sick society. There's one thing that I learned ages ago in a mental health group that made a huge impact on my life. Never compare individual traumas. You don't know what someone else is going through.

So... I do feel a bit guilty for comparing. I wanted to stress the level of overt bigotry I've experienced first hand of shit that is just absolute nonsense.

I'm full-on backpedaling here. I hate that this is where this kind of discussion has gone in the world. Where I have to be afraid of saying my thoughts because of how... violent... the discussion of... violence against people who are different... just because they are different... has become. Like... for real. We're all talking about being oppressed and treated like absolute garbage, like sub-human, because we aren't... like them. And... we compete amongst ourselves? "I have it worse than you", "you can't compare yourself to us". It's... just adding more animosity to the mix. Like... you're not just exiling other exiles, you're exiling yourself from them! It's upsetting. I've experienced this in-person several times, it was always such a helpless feeling. Kinda like how people would be prejudiced against my friend because her father was a pastor and she was very religious, so they just... would treat her different... And I'm not devout in any religion, but I hung out with her and even talked about spiritual stuff pretty often. We found common language between us and spoke as humans. You know, as we all can do. So... like... I encourage you all to try that. We have enough fucking division, we don't need to worship it. There's no good prize for being the most oppressed, that's a one-way ticket to being alone.

Good god, all this because my mom wanted to help me figure out a car situation, because she echo chambered my anxiety about riding the bus and now really convinced me that it's straight up dangerous... which is... well... she just really doesn't understand that it's kind of a social strata thing... And that I'm very clearly not in her stratum.

Let's just get that out of the way before I drop the big bomb. I have never had more than 5k in my bank account ever. And I honestly don't expect to any time soon. I've had power shut off, I've had internet disconnected. I've had bill collectors chase me down. And not even because of my own wrongdoing. Not because of poor budgeting, not because of impulsive spending. I'm actually often too frugal. Because my mom assured me she would support me with that as I worked on my art career. And she would overload her plate with responsibilities and my shit was the first to slip through the cracks.

I've been living low-income, hovering just above the poverty line... for nearly 20 years. Half my life. And... because I don't receive a direct paycheck and instead spend my time focused on my fine art career and my mental health with my parents financing my survival needs... I am viewed as... well... as their income level. Which is absolutely absurd. It's just such an odd life situation that I'm in that... it's really hard and extremely humiliating to even try to explain to people. Let alone date. In my head, my situation sounds noble. It sounds like pure unadulterated passion for your craft. I'm willing to live like this, to be treated like shit by the rich people for being "poor", by the poor people for being "rich", as my price for pursing my purpose on this planet. As the toll so that I don't have to abandon the life I can finally envision on the horizon. But I'm really yet to find another human who seems to believe that... the life that I'm trying to build... the things that I want to provide for others by being in that role as a creator... they're not worth the price. And it would be better if I just... "got a fucking job." Might as well throw a spiteful "hippie" and hock a loogie into the dirt after that phrase...

My conflict with my mom escalated to that today. Like... direct quote. And I hung up. See, things escalated when she told me that she... would "need" to get my dad involved to "approve these expenses". And my Dad... I'm not entirely sure he remembers my middle name. I don't like talking about him, because... it's hard for me to without seeming like I'm painting him in a bad light. He has suffered greatly in his life. And he didn't deserve it. The stuff that I heard about, at least, I can't say he deserved any of it. There are a lot of life skills that he... didn't get to develop? Or chose not to? It's not really my place to say. Regardless, let's just say that he and I... we haven't had a real conversation in over a decade; if ever, honestly. Not for lack of trying. It's just... very difficult. And... I can't help with that. No matter how much I would love to.

To keep it brief. He doesn't seem very interested in getting to know me. He seems interested in using my presence and my problems as an... exercise, of sorts... to gratify an impulse to... feel wise and philanthropic, like passing down life lessons and shit. And if it's not working? If it fails to assist me? If it misses the mark? That's a misinterpretation on my part. Me being the dumb kid and all... Like... I have the same problem with my mom but with my dad... to quote moonmoon, it's "giga-bad". Like... within a minute low blows are being thrown, I'm being mocked and laughed at and he's leaving the room. And... yeah... there's a reason I just... don't seek it out anymore.

So... when I hear that there are 3 people on the board of directors for arranging secure transportation for me in a city where I don't know anyone... and the majority shareholder is a dude who knows literally nothing about the situation or the recipient and has complete veto power. I freak the fuck out. I put my foot down so hard I'm surprised I didn't crack floorboards. And... that escalated things very quickly, as her blind loyalty to him turned on me. As though I were a rebel insurgent or something.

It took a while to come back from that. But we got there.

I'm fucking so torn apart from this shit. I just want to get this fucking car out of the way, it's the last fucking thing. Once that's gone... I just have to keep this afloat. Keep the rent paid, keep the car in good repair, however I need to do that. Keep the career moving along, make social connections. I moved in December. Now, at the end of February... I'm one step away from getting started. To put this in the perspective that I see - I took a minute there to think about how I'm going to phrase this - the quarterly reports for my family's business went out on time, no problem. I'm almost 3 months in and I can't even get a ride back home after returning this fucking rental car that was rented in November. I don't know if that even makes sense to another human being outside of my family, it feels like an inside joke that only Scientologists would get or something.

On the bright side, my mom did realize a lot of the things that she was struggling with. It took several hours of me enduring it... which I really fucking need to stop doing, but like... how can I when the cost on the other end is me just being fucking stranded? It completely plays on my survival/security/safety reflexes, which is literally my PTSD. That's literally how PTSD works. And I just stick in place and can't leave. Even after I hung up, I called right back 5 minutes later. It's like there's a fire in my fucking kitchen... what, am I just going to go to bed with that fire raging?! I have no idea how people can do that, I am not wired that way.

But she did get a lot of stuff, after she had a big panic attack that... I didn't even recognize as a panic attack. I just instinctively tried to help ground like I do for myself, and like 5 minutes in realized that was what I was doing and connected the dots that I was intuitively helping someone differentiate between "what happened" and "what it felt like" or "what could have happened". It's just autopilot for me now, I have to do it like daily now.

I'm so fucking tired, I can't keep typing this.

We found common ground. I shared stuff from last nights journal and she got to know me better. I shared a link I found for a certificate course on sustainable trail building which I was really interested in. I'm anxious and not sure how to make it work, but I think that job would be really rewarding and I think I'd be good at it. I've wanted to be a Trail Steward kind of person who maintains trails... but also decorates with found materials and puts in non-invasive natural art installations too. I would absolutely love that life, as a natural extension of the art work I'm currently doing. We're going to look into it. I just... on my end? I just need to work on my self-esteem and confidence around that. I keep getting that shitty voice in the back of my head going "you're not good enough for that. What if you don't love it? What if you get bored 2 weeks in and wander off again? What if... what if... what if..." And he's super fucking loud right now. And oddly convincing. My goal is to pat him on the head, read his cranky-ass a bedtime story and tuck him in.

Not a ton of good today. But the moments when I connected with my mom were nice. I don't know if they balanced out the... very deep pain. But they were nice. And yoga was good, it was calm and not too intense, and did good things for my upper back. Yeah, that's about it.

Fingers crossed tomorrow goes better. Maybe I can go skating or something before the snow melts. That varial flip is calling my name.