#truly makes me want to do actual in depth research about her. bc I think she’s neat!!

[palukoo]

rip to every queer woman in old hollywood who tried to shoot their shot with Bette Davis…….. there but for the grace of god go I

[staraxiaa]

porcelain, the afterword:

author's corner/first thoughts.

first and foremost: upon rereading, a scene in this fic holds a lot of similarities to one from dust, diamonds on ao3 by maokitty. (the jealousy scene w the husband where the wall crumbles) especially with the dialogue. i was definitely taking inspiration from that fic while writing the scene, and wanted to make a note of it here. go read it even if ur not into aot pls bc it’s actually life-changing !! i beat my sunflower record btw this was 25k ish words written in less than 20 total writing hours. spread over 1.5 days total. also i think i fucked up the pacing a lot from what id originally planed buuut at least its over. dobby is finally free!!! anyways. the original intent for this fic was a discussion on body imagery, to anyone who has ever struggled with the unrealistic standards of social media and/or felt lesser than themselves because they were not beautiful in a 'typical' manner. but then it ballooned into a monster of its own bc i was like how can i make this hurt. i took my inspiration from porcelain + kintsugi vases... like how can i break this reader before i put her back together. i think that i'd like to touch upon similar topics again one day. as a natural extension of my style and the way i write that 'fits' the childhood theme of this collection, i don't believe i handled these topics the best i could've: a lot of them are simplified to a point that, looking back, makes me go 'eugh' a bit because there's so much depth there that i had to like, tamp down upon as a result of my own inexperience. parts of it were likely believable, and parts of it likely weren't - whether because of my youth, or because i was afraid of approaching these topics from the 'wrong' angle. either way, i hope to be able to grow as a writer to the point that i can tackle these themes again to a point where i myself can be sufficiently pleased with the depth i've put into it. that is all. if you've read up to here, thank you. i'm not really expecting this one to do nearly as well as sunflowers - the content is heavier, it's not nearly as light, and shouto is just less of a popular character overall. but this is very likely my magnum opus so far in terms of how much thought has been put into the work, so it means a lot to me even if you do not interact, and simply read up til this point. thank you. your support truly means a lot. will also update again as i think of things

unwritten scenes, headcanons, thought process

another angst scene. at the todoroki forgiveness dinner table, katsuki and izuku are probably there. i havent watched this scene i just know it exists. (was gonna go find it just for research). enji hits shouto with the 'you can marry whoever you'd like' thing majig. shouto's like, cool i didnt give a shit anyways i was gonna marry her. with or without your permission. and THEN i hit you with the akshually... she's engaged... to be honest, a lot more scenes where it was just mother and daughter. i really wanted the point to hit home that, the mother is always intending to do good in the only ways she knows how - it's not discussed thoroughly, and she's obviously a negative influence when it matters most, which is why reader cuts her off at the end. i am a firm believer that not all parenting is good parenting, even when it comes from a good place, and to me it's like when you hurt someone - it doesn't matter your intention, because that should always come secondary to the fact that you hurt them in some way. sorry. i'm not sure if cutting completely out of the life like that was necessary, but i think that in real life, sometimes it is. something to think abt / regret abt this piece ig lots more on the brother. he was not seen a lot, and i cba to include more about him cuz tbh he's only really relevant for like... 2 scenes but basically the tl;dr is that. he also feels the same pressure. it's just offscreen. (he's a man, he's his father's heir, but he sees the impact this family has upon you). i honestly think he's pookie and hold him dear to my heart but he was really just there to get the plot moving... so.... sorry guys. i didnt even bother to give him a name. BUT hes definitely a very complex character i just didnt write it..... i just needed to add a little happiness to the dysfunctional family ok the husband. okay. so. i originally wrote him in with the intention of being someone to hate, entirely and utterly, with the whole of my heart. but i absolutely hate writing in characters that don't have at least some depth/some complexity, so here goes: he was definitely in love, i think, though i'm not sure i would call it that. there was a grooming aspect to it, an age gap difference (he attended all your recitals/performances when you were underage, had his eye on you), was twice your age. i think i wrote it in a way where it could definitely be interpreted as a form of love, as twisted and fucked up as it was⏤ in the way you think of ownership, that a pretty woman is nothing more than a flower to give the sun to, to water when you'd like. but you're not. you're more than that, you need more than food and water and a roof over your head, more than pretty jewels. you just couldn't love him, and i think that's the part that fucked with him the most. the husband was always supposed to die. i toyed with different versions of this⏤ if you should be the one to kill him, a final 'hurrah' when you finally find your courage. but i thought this wasn't very in line with the reader characterization, so i didn't include this. it's ok though u guys are always #1 bosses in my heart. i hope its clear though that the reader didnt love him at any point bc i dont like him enough as a character to give him that. sorry. he was also supposed to be a mafia man... did i make that clear... but both him and the father were like. i hate these characters. the father especially (he has 0 characterization he's only plot relevant bc he has to be). wipe them both from ur minds pls xx in terms of the baby: i actually know nothing about motherhood. this is only what i've done from the best of my imagination. if it isn't accurate at all i apologize.

i did not know tumblr had a max characters per block. i yap a lot huh. anyways on to cute shouto moments <3 i really considered the idea of like. sex scenes. nothing graphic, but tl;dr with shouto when you cry, he stops immediately. this would be near the end, when you're learning to live again, but it's like, you're so moved because no one has ever done it like this for you before, and he's just worried that he's done something wrong, and it's sad but it's like. you don't know if you can ever handle touch again, but bc you're married, you think it's your duty, and you also love him, so you want to try. you guys love each other so much i could sob. i didnt add this just bc i didnt think this was the fic i wanted to start nsfw with, and bc i dont think i could do the intimacy i wanted justice. also tbh i debated on including more thoughts of shouto during the relationship with the husband but i think, while the mc would definitely think of him, she would try her best to be a good wife. i think this is textbook of abusive relationships (i tried to portray that in the way that the husband speaks and turns the fault onto mc when he hits her) where naturally, they abuse you despite you already doing the best you can, and make you feel lesser for it. i.e. she hasn't thought about shouto the whole while, hasn't done anything, doesn't intend on it, and he still blames her for the way she feels. DID I EMPHASIZE THAT HE PICKS UP EVERY CALL EVEN THO U DONT TEXT HIM ANYMORE JUST IN CASE bc shouto todoroki the man that you are... the man i wrote you as... im never marrying idgaf i write my own standards too high i also jus wanna say guys... the way u pull him out of his shell... and then its his turn to pull him out of urs.... i am a SUCKER for stories that come full circle watch me write it into mermaid au anyways im so excited!!!!! in another world, shouto is the one to catch you. somehow he's in your penthouse apartment. the man's holding a knife to your throat (??) or it's your husband trying to save his own skin. in some variations you walk off the edge yourself, in some variations your husband pushes you, in some variations it's the man. i thought this fit better. either way in all of them he was supposed to dive off the fucking building after u but i also thought: he can't be there himself but he makes sure ur taken care of anyways. sort of fitting the characterization i had for him, i think. i rlly considered a kiss scene too but it'd be sort of natural. like stepping into someone's warmth and feeling entirely comfortable in it, knowing it's what you want and knowing it's also what he wants. at the end. but i didn't add it. wouldve been sweet but unnecessary bc i think this would be further down the line and would require a separate scene. once again i scoot free of my kiss-writing responsibilities ! ! ! more on this, though, i think i really like writing about how simple intimacy can be. i do not believe you need to be physically affectionate with someone to love them, though you certainly can be, and i hope this was reflected in the way i portrayed both shouto and reader. in my dreams we are shouto's sugar babies and just vibe for the rest of our lives. and that is all. the smallest things the reader does make him so happy like. slowly. you guys are already holding hands, so a kiss on the cheek would make him the happiest man on earth. oh here's a bonus scene: at some point he takes you out to see the fireworks. the two of you are sitting, you're tucked snugly into his side, you're watching the fireworks, but when you turn, he's watching you. it's so stupidly romantic. you probably ask him what he's looking at and hes just like 'you'. you flush a little. he kisses the top of your head, grinning like the little shit he is.

i also think it'd take a length of time to get married, so you guys probably do kiss sometime before then. no clue about the scene. but canonically (aka in my head) you guys are just having a normal conversation. like Normal Normal. nothing fancy. and all of a sudden you just lean in and kiss him on the corner of his lips. he touches it, and you can see the shock on his face. dunno if you lie and say 'something there i was just getting it for you' bc im a sucker for that but he only leans a little closer and asks you to do it again. i'd like to think man is patient even tho he desperately wants to (like to the point it's painful to watch) so you have to tell him straight up it's okay to do anything, when you're ready: i.e. initiate kisses and anything else later down the line. once he gets the green light though there's no stopping (he will immediately if u ever tell him) like in my head this man has been basically touch starved all his life and he YEARNS. everyone say thank you to the anon who prompted these scenes btw notes on reader: i think what i wanted to explore with this piece was the way that your parents, the environment you grow up in, the role models you have can shape how you grow a lot. but that does not mean you need to stay that way forever. and that even if you do, you are not necessarily 'weak' or any lesser. reader never actually stood up for herself until the very end, but she was strong in her own way. she tried her best to be a good wife, even when she practically hated her husband. she persevered, she tried her best to love her child. things were bleak, but she pulled through; she kept on living, she kept on breathing. and that was enough. she was enough! <33 i also don't know if this reader was a very believable one. a lot of what i explored here was an extension of some of my own experiences, but like. i simply have not experienced a lot of it personally, unlike with my other pieces, and not at all to the same depth. i hope that there are people out there that can resonate with her and her experiences, but like not in a fucked up way. i simply hope that this story can make someone out there feel seen/heard, even if it's just a little. also putting this here to say, i tried to write reader in a way where it made her thoughts read off as like. ingrained into her? but that the way she thinks is not supposed to be normalized. please love yourselves. just wanted to make that clear djsklsfjd

[felinemotif]

21, 22, 23, 24 for Jay 😘

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

i have actually scrapped every jason wip i’ve had lol. i can’t get his tone right. maybe one day after i’ve read through more of his source material.

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don't like?

smth that i enjoy:

when writers remember that jason isn’t all brute strength. he’s a solid fighter, of course, but jason’s always been a thinker. he plans obsessively. his backups have backups. i enjoy fics that take the time to explore how smart he is beyond « ooo he’s a lit nerd » because there’s far more to it than that.

smth that i loathe:

it really upsets me when people write latino jason without actually talking to a latine person or doing any research. please don’t just throw google translate spanish in your fic and call it a day. that’s not ‘latino jason’ it’s lazy and offensive. also i’ve noticed that often writers won’t even bother checking to make sure they’re sticking to the culture they’re trying to portray. there was this one latino jason fic i started to read where they were supposedly writing him as a mexican, but most of the traditions they were actually drawing insp from were from venezuelan culture. so in short ig my issue is that ppl don’t do their research.

when ppl do this, as a latina, it just comes across like they’re making him part of x culture bc it’s like. exotic to them or something. write what you want, but don’t be a dick when you’re portraying someone’s culture.

23. Favorite picture of this character?

for fanart i’m especially fond of this piece done by @/twalxx

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

this is a hard one to answer. i feel like jason is so unique and raw in his characteristics that it can be difficult to compare him to any one character. he’s got depth, that’s for sure.

hesitantly suggesting dr stone’s kohaku for robin!jason. she’s hard working and willing to do what it takes to protect the people she loves/has taken under her care, often times risking her own life to do so.

buttt she can also be exceedingly cautious and is seen threatening the lives of the people she doesn’t trust.

kohaku is a heavy hitter but it takes a lot of pressure to truly make her blind with rage; majority of the time, she thinks about what she says and does, even in battle.

not 100% on this character comparison, for the reasons i stated initially, but it’s the closest similarity i can think of atm.

[frenchfriesoverguys]

‘fate: the winx saga’ review

im very late to this trend but i finally watched this show all the way through.

if you watch the first episode alone, you probably hated this series, as you should. the first episode’s dialogue is awkward and stiff. the fatphobia was heavily present. and the outfits sucked. so did i hate the series? not even a little bit. 

first, and most importantly, lets talk about terra. i saw the most talk around her character and the fatphobia the show exuded. having watched all of it, i can safely say that terra was being bullied. not by her friends, or at least not her real ones, but the classic mean popular clique. any issues she faced with this bullying, her friends stuck up for her but didn’t get involved. they knew she could handle it and she did. she was shown sticking up for herself repeatedly. her friends have issues with her at first and i’ve seen a lot of people pointing that out as fatphobia. it’s really not as their annoyance of her was from her oversharing and inability to stop talking (relatable). saying that the girls disliked her because she’s fat is reducing her character to her dress size, something only the audience is seeming to do. she is a fully developed character and so lovable by the end of the first season. but i would love to get into her love life a little more or more into her powers as she is the only one who doesn’t struggle with her powers.

musa’s character is well written and fun. her mind powers are interesting and i loved seeing them develop as she learns control. the issues with musa in this series comes from the casting. the actress, elisha applebaum, is white passing but is half-Singaporean. the cartoon design from the original was fully asian. applebaum plays the character so well and is an amazing actress but many say that casting a white passing asian woman to play a fully asian character takes away from the diversity the original show had. as a white self-claimed film critic, i don’t think it’s appropriate for me to have an opinion. i did however want to bring it up as it’s being discussed in the criticism of the show. 

**** this is an edit: it’s been brought to my attention that the actress who plays Musa is fully white and that singapore is not an ethnicity. i saw a few articles say that she was half singaporean and didn’t question it (definitely should have researched that) now that i know she is fully white and not mixed, i do have an opinion. what the fuck. the actual fuck. that is so messed up. why would they take a show that was full of diversity in 2005 and make it whiter in 2021??? when i thought she was mixed i didn’t want to say anything bc mixed poc constantly get torn between the 1 drop rule where if they have any poc ancestor then they are poc or a minimum percentage of that ethnicity to be considered a “real” poc even if they grew up in that culture. i didn’t want to tell a half asian girl that she wasn’t asian enough but knowing she’s fully white? yeah that changes a lot of things. in doing more research, she is of middle eastern descent (as am i, still very much white) and if she was cast as stella or even bloom who were classically western europe in the original design, i would be so happy to see extra representation. but not when she took away a part from an asian actress - ESPECIALLY in a time when asian hate crimes are escalating. i don’t care if she’s a great actress and person…..recast her.

idk how many people watched the cartoons but i always hated sky and riven. sky was a much better character in this series. he still struggles with treating the fairies as damsels in distress, which bloom calls him out on. he has more depth and seems like genuinely good guy. riven was....lashing out alot. i liked him in the series because he does acknowledge his fatphobic remarks and ends up admitting to terra that she was a badass while he was struggling with fighting. he begins to work out some of his issues and i loved the dynamic that he has with sky where they get emotional with each other, both more than willing to point out the toxic traits the other has. i look forward to more riven character development. while i like sam, there was way more chemistry in one scene with musa and him. im hoping they keep the enemies to lovers idea that the cartoon had. 

NOW i need to talk about what i thought could improved. the wings. i loved them, like a lot, but i want at least one more of the girls to get them next season, if not all. it was a fun reveal but wings were such a staple fairy ability in the cartoon that i was nervous they wrote it out. they have the perfect opportunity to fix the outfits with the transformation scene. as we know in the cartoons they girls get new outfits when they transform. they’re fighting outfits could be so fun or maybe as they develop as fairies they develop different wardrobes. the outfits weren’t awful and at 16, most girls aren’t wearing skimpy bright colored clothing 24/7 while training. they don’t have to be the same as the cartoons but i would love to see terra in vintage 70′s clothing that works with her curves, stella in at least one glittery outfit, musa in a more pastel grunge look, aisha in matching sweats or some sort of updated street-style look, and bloom is actually fine but maybe  more flirty dresses with leather jackets and sneakers, mixing the tough and flirty look more consistently.

also, if you’re new to the fandom, you might not know things like what sky and riven can do, specifically who the specialists are and how they contribute to the fairy world. they struggled slightly with world building as i believe they expected most, if not all, people watching to have an idea of the world already. the show could have done a better job setting up these concepts.

i truly recommend watching the show before you write it off completely.

[staggeringsmite]

open invitation to share anything you want to about vera!

aslkjglkfjl okay SO i left this in here so i could yell about her once the one shot was over bc i didn't really have a lot of personality until i got into it. this is a long rehash of everything i can remember about the game because truly what a wild ride it was!! tw: unreality, brief mentions of kidnapping

the context we were given to build from was that our characters were a part of a traveling circus/carnival in a modern setting with high fantasy stuff built in. naturally, we riffed with each other for a while until we wound up in officially set in 2019 Arizona. things you should know: this circus is highly illegal and morally questionable, and we very quickly decided that our trio mostly did not care (CN but friendship is cool). we were travelling to a pretty small town out in the desert with our parade of vans carrying equipment. there's sort of a mad dash after every location to not get the shitty van with bad AC, and after some truly terrible rolls (aided by two of us giving ourselves disadvantage because we felt like our characters thought they were "too cool to run") guess where we wound up as the only three in the van?

now this trio consists of: hyacinth, a half-orc divination wizard who reads people's fortunes, rhen, a half-orc barbarian who is here for friendship and is a resident strongwoman, and vera a goth purple tiefling gloomstalker who runs and watches over the ranged games and shady not well made agility courses (and is also gearing up to have her own trick shot act but hasn't made it to the main tent yet). ted the driver of this van is also here, and he's truly just some (extremely mildly homophobic) guy. there also MIGHT be a goat? rhen is trying to make friends with the MAYBE goat that's possibly here. we aren't sure. nicole won't give us an answer. rhen is the only one who sees it. vera is thaumaturgy'ing goat noises around the van to make this even more confusing.

the small town we're headed to has had a series of children go missing recently. will we really get into that? no, actually. vera spends the trip playing MCR from her phone (first character decision i made was to blatantly refuse the aux and instead hold it the whole time - it was also confirmed in here somewhere that vera runs an MCR fan page with some 400 followers in the year 2019). hyacinth spends the trip researching the string of disppearances, and rhen spends the trip making everyone friendship bracelets (including ted and the possible goat that might be somewhere in here) which she presents to us immediately upon arriving.

as we're approaching the site we're setting up at, vera hits a nat 20 perception to notice that the sand is? sticky?? i hate this actually? it's really that it looks like the town is sort of, very slowly, ominously, and perpetually sinking, and at some point nicole called it sticky and we were upset by that <3

instead of do anything about that immediately or tell the other two who do not see it vera goes to look for a phone charger. she finds one with one of the other van driver's and also tries to tell them about the sinking, but they think she is pranking them and she begins to question what she saw. (she does btw, tie rhen's friendship bracelet underneath her belt chains so it peaks through a bit) as vera rejoins she then tells the other two about the sinking and i believe also notice a point from which it might be coming from. the trio continues to set up, and vera collects her bow before very late joining them for the circus-provided dinner of dino nuggets, applesauce, and green beans. she simply says "let's go" and hyacinth, rhen, and ted immediately follow her for some reason without asking any further questions. rhen has seen the goat again. surely this isn't a sign of anything bad.

we reach the? sinking mass on the outskirts of this town? okay? we get sucked into it what else are we going to do. it's at this point i should mention nicole based this off of a BUCKWILD episode of doctor who from the 60s i believe so forgive me i don't remember much of the wild ride in depth as it ocurred from here.

vera and hyacinth awaken in a labyrinth where our vision is in black and white with high contrast, the walls are made of? canvas? we can't really tell. we determine we are in hell based on a nat 1 and immediately pick a direction so that we can try to find and kill ronald reagan again. rhen and ted awaken in a similar labyrinth only they are seeing in sepia tone. both groups eventually realize we are in some absorbed plane of the feywild which means things of BONKERS gang. vera used thaumaturgy to make the sound of crows. crows showed up, started chasing us, bad. vera used thaumaturgy to try to make the sound of crows that were "hungry for justice and want to help us out here" to which nicole said "hey arlowe i need you to make whatever the fuck sound you think a 'vigilant crow' would make" i proceeded to make a curt, knightly crow sound. crows in armor fell from the sky successfully taking out the bad crows. at some point ted gets murdered by fairies and we all get separated. vera winds up in another part of the labyrinth where she sees some dude with a gun and gets trapped in a book (that's what the walls are made of! hardcover book canvas material!). hyacinth meets some creepy kids who test them with riddles because yeah why not we're already here. rhen is mourning ted. hyacinth successfully beats the riddles and is rewarded with a little vera in a book in a glass bottle who gets to reunite! and then we try and succeed in finding rhen by climbing on top of the books, discovering the labyrinth looks like a keyboard, we're on W and rhen is around Y (we figure out we're probably supposed to make it to escape). we all get together, make it to escape, and then as we leave get sucked into a gameshow with some horrible horrible fey man who is telling us to give him stories or choose option 2.

option 2 is the fucking one of us always lies two doors riddle from labyrinth, and it takes three people 45 minutes to figure it out on the spot but we succeed finally <333

[flying-elliska]

S5 Review pt.1 : the Good

Arthur season is over, time to analyze it as a finished story ! This meta in 3 parts will go over the good, the bad and the mindboggling. My general impression of the season : excellent beginning, very meh middle, interesting ending. In short :  flawed but I feel people calling it a total disaster really are not making any effort to see it objectively. So ; let's dig into the why and how.

What I liked about this season :

A story made with and for Deaf people : It’s pretty evident when watching the interviews that Winona and Lucas really really enjoyed making the season and that it offered them an unprecedented level of representation. The creators obviously did their research, working with the people of the IVT. Personally I feel like I learned so much and the clips showing aspects of Deaf culture were among my favorites. It felt like a nuanced, rich, in-depth perspective, with details like choosing to get a cochlear implant or not, the testimony evening, the sign language class, Noee’s sign dance, the different ways to enjoy music, how to speak to someone who is Deaf, etc...showing that not everyone within that community has the same story or opinion, that they’re just people with their unique challenges but shared needs, as well as the really awesome culture that is part of being Deaf. It felt really respectful and a thousand miles away from the usual miserabilistic clichés - it brought up some concern about how difficult it is to be rejected/invisible in today’s society, but it was balanced with emotions like curiosity, admiration, and awe. I came to SKAM for the representation but I absolutely love getting educated about groups I’m not part of and I feel this is truly where the season shines. Learning from Deaf fans was also hella interesting. 

A complex discussion about disability : A central plot point, and one of my favorites, was Arthur learning to overcome his (now internalized) ableism. We see that Arthur is an overachiever and this change in his life upsets this idea of the perfect life he has in mind. He repeadedly lashes out at the other Deaf people he meets, makes fun of sign language, underlines how he is ‘not like them’ at the beginning because he is still clinging to his own self image. We can understand where this comes from when we see how condescending towards any sort of weakness, and focused on performance over empathy his father is. But as he learns to meet actual Deaf people and see the diversity and beauty of the community, he learns there is no shame in that sort of difference and learns to stand up for himself and that was amazing to see. Another important part was Laura and Melchior’s inclusion and beyond being very funny, they highlighted the idea that although disabled people have different, sometimes competing needs, they also have things in common, and that deep wish of not being discounted/othered/excluded. All the disabled characters this season were complex, real people, not there just to teach others a lesson or inspire them or be pitied or the butt of a joke, and that is so sadly rare nowadays. Even though some bits did feel a bit like a PSA, I feel like overall it was very well done. 

The politics of desirability : A theme running through the season is the idea that who we are attracted to is socially constructed and can really be biased by our prejudices. Alexia expressed this idea (albeit clumsily) in the bar scene early on, and this came back when she talked about her insecurities. This was also present in Laura’s insistence that disabled people have certain needs like everybody else. And finally, it’s present in Arthur’s own struggles - his fear of not being able to sleep with his girlfriend with his hearing aids, and his own difficulties in seeing what is happening with Noee and him saying ‘she’s deaf’ to the question ‘is she beautiful’ even as he is obviously into her. Our society gives us this incredibly narrow set of criteria for who is considered attractive - thin, white, able bodied, etc - but people’s actual real patterns of attraction and finding beauty are, when you set those prejudices aside, and see the beauty of people for who they are and not how well they fit a box, so much more broad and generous and diverse and I loved how this season highlighted that. 

Technical excellence : God, the cinematography this season was absolutely off the charts, it makes me wish they could redo previous seasons with this amount of style. Shots like Arthur under the shower, or that party at the Asso with the blurry dancing, the shots in the pool, or the ones from the farm episode...INCREDIBLE. The sound editing was used sooooo well to put us in Arthur’s shoes, it was a wonder and I really felt how intense the change must have been for him because of that. And the acting is impeccable. You can really feel how well these actors know their characters by now, they have total mastery of their portrayal. Robin did an awesome job with tough scenes, but just...everyone was on their best game really. 

A nuanced portrayal of abuse : Arthur’s relationship with his father was thouroughly heartbreaking, and it felt very real. I am very grateful that they didn’t try to redeem him - it’s important to show that even if you are trying your best, some people are toxic abusers and the best thing you can do is take your distance. I felt it right away, in the subtle way he was dismissing and belittling his wife and son, in the ways he was asserting his control over them, and I wasn’t surprised at all when more came out. It surprised me in the beginning that so many people were arguing that the father was caring, just strict - I feel like the signs were so obvious but I guess that’s the point. Abuse is a pattern that becomes visible over time and abusers can be perfectly charming and reasonable to people who don’t know what it’s like. Growing up with that is isolating and terrifying and it does awful things to your self esteem and your capacity to be in tune with your feelings. We can see that when Arthur basically defends his father’s actions because he is still so eager to have his love and placate him. Arthur’s behavior did not come from nowhere and it was inspiring to see him grow past that and realize he did not have to perpetuate the pattern and make his own choices. Also, his relationship with his mom was very sweet, supportive (her smoking weed with him was awesome) but complex - the way he was mean to her sometimes, condescending bc of her lack of studies ; the way she blamed herself for not seeing sooner - she must have been subjected to Patrick’s more emotional abuse, and so she will probably feel like she should have reacted sooner or known and that’s like...painful ugh. This whole thing was so raw and real. And it was incredibly important to see the nurse and her Jerome - adults, with medical knowledge - see Arthur’s situation and tell him that sometimes you just have to leave. 

Highs and lows of friendship : Basile !!!! I was not a fan in s3 but the great aspect of POV shift is allowing us to see some characters through a different angle - even though I think Basile went through a lot of growth too. In Lucas’s season he was meant to be the annoying gross overly straight guy as a contrast - but for Arthur he is this devoted friend that is so open and sincere in his affection that his awkwardness comes off as endearing instead. You really understand why those two are friends : Arthur is smart, sarcastic, he can help Basile with social awareness and hype him up, but he’s also so painfully guarded and finds it hard to express emotion, I think, and it makes sense he loves Basile’s spontaneity and big heart. Meeting his grandfather was also so funny and endearing, as were all the marks of more physical affection he wasn’t afraid to show Arthur. I think having a friend like that is part of what allows Arthur to finally stand up on his own - whether against his father or deciding he needs to be single to figure himself out. As for the Gang in general, I loved the moments where they were all happy together (the early graffiti clip is truly one of the shining moments of the season for me) but their later spat is also quite understandable to me. I find it very realistic that although they are trying their best to accomodate their new friend’s disability, they’re going to mess up, that’s part of the process. The most important thing, I think, when faced with someone who is different from you, is to engage with it (respectfully) - ask questions, not assume. And communicate ffs.  I also really liked those moments where the Crew and Gang came together, it gave this big end of high school vibe where all the squads merge and there is this feeling of having gone through an ordeal together that makes everyone closer.  There were also so many funny moments  that were absolute gold (the wheelbarrow ! the dinosaur balloons ! Imane getting attacked by chickens ! Emma and her horse! ).

Arthur on his own : I liked the more introspective moments we got this season. The successive alarms while he was angsting about his hearing coming back were such a clever way to put us in his perspective - there is already a lot of stress linked to a morning alarm, isn’t there ? We all know that moment in the morning where we don’t want to get out of bed and face the world, and taking that emotion and adding Arthur’s absolute stress at realizing that this change is lasting, it was really effective. Arthur’s link to water, as a symbol of another world where sound is much more diffuse, is quite interesting too. And the moment in last episode where he puts his glasses back on, too, as a more obvious sign of a disability that is very socially accepted and that is just part of who he is, just as his hearing loss is. We also got a moment with the bench of loneliness that was an interesting parallel with s3. (I love how the Buttes-Chaumont parc has become this double symbol in Skam France of both loneliness/alienation/putting on a mask and growth/return to authenticity.) And I like that he ended up the season single and deciding to figure himself out. It’s a big aspect of his character that he has spent too much time trying to conform to expectations and that he was super walled off as a result, that he hurt others without realizing, that he found himself boring, that he didn’t seem to open up to his friends, etc...and in the end he is a lot more open but he also knows there is a part of growth that being in a relationship cannot bring him. He can’t use women the way his father did. I respect that a lot, honestly, it’s what saved the end of the season for me, that they didn’t end up putting one girl above the other and made it about Arthur being lost and needing to find his way on his own. 

The tornado and the sunshine : The new characters were awesome. Her role in the plot set aside, I really liked Noée as a character concept. I think Winona was awesome, and I liked Noée’s mix of warmth and feistiness. I like that they let her be angry at the way the world treated her, and compassionate at the same time. Also her headbutting that guy in the club that didn’t want to listen to her was !!! iconic. I loved her style, too, and that dance was so beautiful. Camille was a great addition to the team too, Arthur was lucky to find someone that patient and his dry humor but sunny disposition were great too. It was cute to see him with Mika as a couple of gurus - that we did get a Deaf/hearing couple was a good addition to the season, I think - and I hope we’ll see both of those new characters next season, too. 

Queen Alexia : She was definitely one of the characters I had the most emotions for this season. She’s just so cool and her perspective on life is just so mature and interesting, her acceptance of herself and others so inspiring - a lot of the early clips with her were adorable. I loved how supportive she was in such a creative, playful way - that game she made for Arthur, the boards she brought, etc. The moments she talked about her insecurities, if bittersweet because of what happened later, remains one of my faves from the season. She was so beautiful framed by rainbows (also apparently that’s her sign name ? Amazing.) And the moment where she sings was just...oof. She was really brave and strong to be able to do that, to express her emotions and hurt in such a public, dignified and creative way. It was a moment of reckoning for Arthur, putting him on the spot and recognizing how much he hurt her, but it was done in such a graceful way - the way she signed to signal her acceptance of his Deafness, the reminder that she loves him and won’t be able to forget that immediately, and a rejoinder to recognize his feelings towards Noee, etc. She wasn’t perfect (organizing that meeting without asking really pushed it a bit too far - you can’t rush someone else’s self acceptance) but she was just ...really good. 

Elu as an established couple : One of my biggest reproaches to s3 is that they didn’t give us enough fluff after all the drama (time constraints, I know, etc.) But this season they really delivered. And listen I know some fans love to blather about fanservice but fuck it, I just love seeing a healthy domestic queer couple on screen !!!! It’s just so bloody healing, because they feel real and in love like nothing I have ever seen on screen before. Maybe because so often straight actors are so awkward at playing queer intimacy and they’re really not. Seeing them in their new appartment was like a pure shot of serotonin - morning croissants ! fairylights everywhere ! but I also liked that it wasn’t too fluffy one note. We can still see that Eliott struggles with MI, that Lucas has some insecurities, but yet their devotion to each other is still as strong, as in “he’s my boyfriend and I love him.” It was a hopeful note throughout the season, Lucas being persistent and devoted all through the challenges of being with someone who is mentally ill. Also, I really liked Eliott’s role this season, as a sort of...provider for the Gang ? Getting them a van, bringing them to the cool graffiti place, making this fresque for them...you can feel he’s not 100% part of the gang because he’s older, already in college, etc, but at the same time he has sort of an observer role that can give them things no one else can. I feel like Lucas confided in him about the troubles they were going through and Eliott can empathize with being treated different, the fear of losing your friends...so Eliott helped them in his unique way, through art. And him having this new secret place he can bring more people to, and so full of color and sharing his art with people and !!!! God I’m emo he’s just my fave character ever really. 

The pressure of the future : Listen the last year of high school in France is horrible, there is the pressure from the BAC + half the people are passing entrance exams and doing interviews for the stuff you want to do later and it’s so stressful and I’m glad they touched on that at least a little. Emma really embodied this theme this season, of the pressure of not wanting to know what you want to do later. It’s really when you realize that they’re all so young and being asked to make such big decisions for their entire lives is really sort of fucked up, and I think her being there is a way to dedramatize not knowing, and gives Arthur the freedom to see he doesn’t want to be a doctor ; I liked the apt comparison with Imane’s passion for medecine. I wish we’d seen more of Arthur figuring out his real passion (did he make that painting or what ?) but I appreciated this storyline. 

Overall, I think this season was full of excellent moments - either funny, heartwarming, heartbreaking, or edifying - and it provided some much needed quality representation for the Deaf community. In that, and having educated a lot of people, it is at least somewhat a success. However, as a whole, it did not quite come together for me, which is what I will analyze in my next post. 

[spnfanficpond]

June Angel Fish Awards

Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words.

The monthly Angel Fish Awards are peer-nominated, meaning ANYONE IN THE POND CAN NOMINATE ANY POND MEMBER’S FIC. While the Pond was founded to support the Guppies, everyone in this community deserves to be showered with love and feedback, and we hope that by opening this up as a Pond wide system, we’ll be able to share the love as far as it can go.

NOTE: WE’VE BEEN HAVING OCCASIONAL PROBLEMS WITH ASKS GOING MISSING. Please use the Submit button when submitting your nominations and make sure you’re signed into Tumblr or your URL won’t show. (If the form asks for your name and email address, then you’re not signed in.) If you like, you can also send a message to Michelle or Mana to check and make sure we got your submission.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE ARE JUNE’S ANGEL FISH AWARDS!

Nominated by @wingedcatninja and @mrswhozeewhatsis and @manawhaat

The Song Remains the Same (oneshot) by @sammit-janet 

@wingedcatninja said -  This fic by @sammit-janet is the best case fic I have ever read. It has everything: drama, angst, a witch curse, perfect characterization. Reading it was like being inside an episode of Supernatural. And, without spoiling anything, the ending broke my heart. To quote my own comment when I reblogged it:

“I don’t even know where to start. The story is fantastic. The prose is beautiful. The characterization is on point. The angst is delightfully painful. It’s just overall amazing. Thank you for sharing this awesome piece of art.”

@mrswhozeewhatsis said -  The painful ingenuity of the spell in this case fic is genius. Pure freaking genius! Painful as hell, but genius. Characterization is wonderful, as always, and my heart is a little more broken, but I’m used to that with Sammit!! Brava!!!! *throws roses at you*

@manawhaat said-  WOW! That was fucking awesome! We see witch spells so often and (maybe it’s bc of the genre I’m reading but) they’re always like lust spells of some sort, so it was super refreshing to see this kind of spell. This whole thing was just really well done, super interesting, perfectly in character and the realm of spn. And that last little bit. UGH! SO PERFECT! So Dean! So spot on! So fitting and heartbreaking and such a perfect little add on. I swear, this whole thing legit felt like I watched an episode of the show. This case fic is a perfect example of how I want every fic to read. I want the drama, the suspense, the emotion, the subtleties, the Winchesters as they truly are, this kind of gentle care for detail and attention to creating a realistic feel. I can’t say it enough- this is fucking FANTASTIC!

Nominated by @wingedcatninja

Never Wanna Say Goodbye (oneshot) by @deanwinchesterswitch

This is deliciously painful angst that leaves you with tears in your eyes and a smile on your lips.

Nominated by @risingphoenix761

Salty Stockings (oneshot) by @slytherkins

Cute, hilarious, and just the right amount of crack. Also risque and suggestive. Did I mention this is hilarious? So much good stuff in a short fic, and imagine if anyone suggested Dean take this with him on a hunt!

Nominated by @manawhaat

True or False (oneshot) by @thegirlwhorunswithwinchesters

The way this starts instantly pulls you in. There’s so much pent up shit rattling through Dean and the way it’s reciprocated through Y/n is an amazing build. There’s so much emotion and vulnerability to this entire thing, and it’s done in a way that’s completely believable and realistic for Dean. Fuck. It’s smart and really just opens them both up in such a refreshing way that speaks of Dean’s bravery, even in the face of being raw and exposed to someone else. And the way the tables turn. *screeches and flaps on the floor* Be still my fucking heart! I fucking adore this and the way you approached this fic and premise. There are so many ways it could have gone wrong or lost its power and impact, but you fucking nailed it!

Covet (series) by @waywardjoy

Fucking Christ, this series stressed me the fuck out, but in the best way possible. The cliffhangers, the dark grittiness. The insanity! Fuck, I absolutely love it when stories are written in a way that completely immerse me in it. It’s dark, like, really dark. Fuck. It just hurts. 

The Beginning of The End (oneshot) by @deanwinchesterswitch

OW! There is a secret desperation in this that is absolutely brutal and tears your heart in two. The way Dean is written is eye-opening and really just drags you down into a depth of pain and grief that only a Winchester can feel. I feel like I should say something about the sex being hot, but I can’t. Because to me it’s just so rough, borderline too rough, and so emotional. Which might sound weird, but in this situation and with the way everything is presented that scene is honest as fuck, very believable, and powerful. At some point things become more about the emotional release than they do being sexy, and this is a gorgeous example of that kind of repressed emotion roaring to life in ‘bottle it up forever’ Dean Winchester. This fic hurts so good all the way through and in different ways. That in itself is a feat, so have so many layers in one story. It’s anger and hurt and guilt and worry and all of it is wrapped so delicately together in this fucking stunning piece of art. 

Born This Way (oneshot) by @evansrogerskitten

HAPPY PRIDE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!! This fuckin’ fic! Wow. This is the definition of the spn family. There’s so much love and support wrapped up in this story, in this fucking dream. I rarely get like, actually emotional reading fics (because I’m a heartless bitch) but this has me sitting here clutching my chest with my eyes closed just full body squeeing and smiling and my gut is clenching with all the emotion. There is something to be said of the spn family being allies. This song, this setting, this family, and the moment you’ve created here is so important and such a special thing! AND, as if the fic itself wasn’t enough to make me burst into happy tears, the tweets at the bottom sure the fuck were! Honestly, everything about this is so spot on and believable and just fucking pure and good.

Castiel Imagine (drabble) by @webcricket

Holy hell, that Cas fic was not only incredibly fucking sensual and well done but it was just so full of amazing language. Fantastic! I feel like a lot of writers who try to beef up their language tend to use words that feel out of place, but your consistency and the way you weave them together made me slow down to savor every line and that was such a beautiful thing.

Nominated by @sorenmarie87

Life for Rent (series) by @winchest09

The series has just started but I can’t wait to see where it goes.  I love a good mobster!au and the set up so far has me wondering what’s going to happen next. 

What Research? (oneshot) by @becs-bunker 

What do I say about this other than I loved it?  I mean Sam has been busy and the reader just wants some attention from him. Of course, they accomplish what they set out to do and it’s worth the read.  

Born This Way by @evansrogerskitten 

This was a fantastic fic. The reader has the casts approval and support, and the way they came out was fantastic. I almost cried, no lie. Ash’s fics are always fantastic but this hit me in an unsuspected way. 

Once Upon A Dream (oneshot) by @welldonebeca

I haven’t honestly seen that many Human!Gabe fics let alone Alpha!Gabe at that.  The story is so sweet.

Fallen Productions (series) by @welldonebeca  

I always admire authors who can write A/B/O but this mini series works its way through the original Team Free Will in a different way.  

He Is (series) by @coffee-obsessed-writer

This whole series is super sweet. Each chapter shows just what Dean means to you, and Jen nails it in each of them.

Make You Feel My Love (series) by @sofreddie 

This was such a sweet A/B/O series.  I love that Dean and the reader took their time, I mean Dean eased her through her earlier heats but I think it was sweet that it was just smut off the bat.  

Nominated by @iflostreturntosteverogers

Almond Milk Lies (series) by @fictionalabyss  

Mel is a fantastic writer 💕

Nominated by @shy-violet-soul 

The Girl Next Door (series) by @luci-in-trenchcoats 

An engaging AU, this writer keeps you hooked with well-paced timing & plot. Portrayal of characters is consistent with the show, which other fics struggle with when not in the SPN world. The story line is believable and genuine, and I enjoy the banter between the 2 main pairing-folks. Bravo!

Sunsets by @crispychrissy 

Damn. This work is so beautifully painful, or painfully beautiful, it’s hard to find words. I don’t want to comment on a favorite part to avoid giving away the plot. But this writer has captured a lesser-written character powerfully and consistently, and hooks you in with strong imagery and pacing. Hold on to your heartstrings for this one. 

Thank you all for the awesome work and great feedback!

As with the BFAs, these are not actual awards! This system is set up so everyone in the pond has a chance to share the love and promote a fic/author that has grabbed your attention. The more people that participate, and the more everyone remembers to submit their own fics after posting, the better this will be :D

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!

[vitosscaletta]

Top 5 characters + top 5 fave things you love about those characters. Can be ocs or canon characters!

I’m gonna do other’s ocs because.. canon characters who?

Althea (belongs to @jennystahl​) — she’s hot next question. OK for real she’s such an interesting take on the “hot but lowkey evil vampire” bc she’s not actually evil but also has a very caring side for those she loves & idk i love that she’s this complex person.. her new unlife really gave her some sense of purpose and idk i just love vampires who actually embrace that!!! (also s/o to Summer fc5 doesnt matter but i will love her forever) 

Bobby (belongs to you.) — I JUST THINK HE’S NEAT! he’s generally a very immature and selfish person in the vault but being out in the wasteland really changes him for the better, not that he’d ever become completely different but that’s part of his charm jhsajhsdfj…. we stan character development babey!! I truly think he’s a fun character and his flaws (AND the development of course) are what makes him so likeable!! (also s/o 2! to my wives Vivian and Sofia it’s literally a tie between these 3) 

Magdalena (belongs to @roberthouses​) — I probably said this a billion times but she’s probably my fav courier Audrey who?.. she’s such a well-rounded character, she’s a flawed person and it often shows in her actions but it’s what makes her so human, she feels so real and complex, there’s so much depth to her 😳.. just. her entire concept in general, the name, background, the way her background is tied to the events of fallout 2 (idk anything about classic fallout i just saw that its all tied together and… 😳😍😍) it’s all so well done & always interesting to read (also dumb but I think you also have a great sense of humor which really makes all your headcanons even more amusing to read? like it’s funny as HELL COMEDIC GENIUS!!)

Evelyn (belongs to @chuckhansen) — ALSO one of those characters that have SO much depth to them and I’m like. how. She has such a detailed backstory, you put so much love and attention into every detail, like i remember you making a post that you wanted to do research on the far cry timeline and i was like… god I wish that were me - you put so much care into every detail that I’d NEVER bother to do and that’s so admirable and really makes her a great character. I also really LOVE the complex relationships she has with her family and how it shows in her personality. Their entire story is so interesting and makes her motivation so.. idk.. believable. you know what I mean… also not just family but her relationships with the other residents of hoe county. I usually don’t do Seed shipping but this is a valid example

uhhHH I don’t wanna pick a fifth one I’ll just feel bad if I forget people. this is @ the rest of my mutuals YES I MEAN YOU!

[fappellmoan]

this isnt quite the ask meme so feel free to ignore it but i wanna hear about why u like either stranger things or it (or both im not ur mom)

omg i love you thank u for asking. im gonna put a keep reading on this bc i ranted a lot lmao

ok so stranger things was odd (ha); i remember when it very first came out during that july i was like ‘im not rlly into scifi so idk if i’d care for it’ and my sister was like ‘no, trust me, me neither but i started this and it’s really good’ so i started it while hanging out at her house and was absolutely glued to the screen and then i left and went home and proceeded to stay up until 4 am to finish it and was absolutely SOBBING at my screen. i was enamored by the aesthetic (so many beautiful shots of the fall landscape and a simple 80s wintery vibe and the christmas lights UGH poetic cinema) and i just felt like all of the characters were so fleshed out and no matter how much conflict there was or idiotic things they did i literally loved every single one (except like. Ted and Papa yk??). and they were such good friends and so so funny??? like dustin and lucas had a hilarious dynamic and mike literally going to jump off a cliff for dustin???? being so concerned for will and letting that take precedence over any romances (not just talking about mileven i promise) hello????? el sacrificing so much of herself and her energy for these people because they’re the first to truly treat her with unconditional kindness in her life and they’re her family now??? but they all had SUCH heart and dedication to one another, and i loved that because the boys werent super concerned with like toxic masculinity (not to be #deep like a lot of it was that they were kids but they love each other so much and don’t care when they’re bullied by troy and his gang; they are there for each other and the first season shows how deep each of their friendships run and i love it); like these idiots were big NERDS and so sweet and kind to el, and each other honestly. you know they all had each other’s backs, even when they were mad or bickering. it went against my expectations for an 80s-based show and the government conspiracy aspect was intriguing (despite the fact that i usually get lost with that stuff; same with the sci-fi aspect) and i adored all of the kids and the story was just so tight and developed so wonderfully. i think season 1 was phenomenal and thats where it becomes hard for me as it goes on; im bummed that it’s more mainstream and thus i can only expect them to abide by mainstream guidlines (in terms of how they handle lgbt/minority characters, the balance between plot vs character, how far they will go in criticizing american and other governments), but i do think it deserves the hype. it is a beautiful, wonderful show and i am attached to the characters and the actual story more than i have been with anything else. it easily became my favorite show and season 2 LIVED UP TO THE HYPE it was so so good!!!! i rewatch the first two seasons all the time (i honestly dont know how many times ive seen each season at this point (other than three which i have seen thrice, i believe); i simply adore each and every character and the different teams that form by the ends of the season and i believe that they did very very well with all of this up until season 3 (ive talked about my diasppointment extensively, so im gonna focus on the positive); and we will see how s4 goes.

as for It, i have a lot less background tbh but i still really love it. i remember watching the og miniseries years ago and even though i have trouble watching shows with a big “ensemble” cast (mostly bc the characters arent diverse so i have trouble distinguishing between them), i liked the story and i remember being struck by bev’s storyline. i dont remember why i wanted to see it ch1 so bad (probably because i’d seen finn in stranger things the year before, ngl) but i attached to the characters so quickly. i saw it with my mom and she was like ‘that was awful it wasn’t even scary, it was just corny’ and i was like MAYBE SO but i fucking loved the characters so so much. i said that over and over and over and was heartbroken when i found out upon further research that two of my favorite characters (though ofc its hard to ‘rank’ them when they all have such a special place in my heart) die in the book. regardless, i just loved the kid actors sm and i think i found it especially easy to get invested in the story and the cast because they’re my age?? idk i just find it a lot more fun (which is probably why im still more partial to ch1). and then i went home and found all of the stupid interviews with them and the videos they posted on their own youtube channels and i thought they were so funny and it was awesome that they were genuinely such good friends. again, i dont always get invested in horror storylines but i thought the fact that its really....a love story between friends and ch2 especially has a lot of commentary on homophobia (its absolutely not perfect but yk) because of adrian mellon coming from charlie howard and how they all come from more troubled backgrounds but find love in each other is just the BEST i am such a sucker for found family and i have genuinely not found a better example of that than the losers club. i love them so fucking much. again, im not quite as informed when it comes to It as i am with stranger things, but i still really really love the story and characters and the depth that they all have (except mike/stan they were slept on) (and eddie was deprived of a good gay story and just Happy story but whatever) and yeah anyway im just ranting at this point. i think that stephen king had some... interesting ways of writing this story that make me wary of finally just picking up the book and reading more than the first few chapters (ie You Know, and just... idk i don’t trust how bev was written (but maybe thats harsh of me considering i Havent read it)), but hopefully eventually i will so i can be more involved than i am now. i cant quite articulate all that im trying to say, but i really really do love the story and the kids.

send me asks!!

[jageunyeoujari]

hello yaejin. i wanted to apologize for last night. i'm sorry i brought your mental health into an argument, and i'm sorry i invalidated your feelings. that was out of line, and i honestly fucked up. i saw a pattern ive seen before and i jumped to conclusions and it was inappropriate and cruel, especially while we were having an argument. i was dealing with a mental health crisis of a friend and i let it influence me and i wasn't good enough to walk away and say i couldn't talk rationally.

 (sorry, limit). my own situation doesn’t make it okay what i said, and i don’t want to imply it, i just wanted to let you know the context. i’m sorry again.

apologizing for what exactly. sorry for what exactly. you “brought up my mental health” as if it was just a little no-big-deal comment when you used my vulnerability in talking abt my recent mental health struggles as proof that i’m going insane & thus everything i say is illogical when i was talking abt racism in white ace/aro discourse. the ableism was literally a vehicle for you to derail a conversation about race so by copping to just the one, you’re not actually acknowledging the underlying issue framing it. this is such a vapid, spineless, fake apology that doesn’t acknowledge the underlying intent or impact of what that ableism did which was to derail my points abt RACISM & my experience as a lesbian woc who’s also ace. you’re just copping to the obvious thing that even some of the ppl in your clique might feel vaguely bad abt & ignoring everything else.

& you say you just “invalidated my feelings?” LET’S GO IN-DEPTH. first, you were openly hostile for even daring to question you. you brought up corrective rape as a gotcha bc you knew that was an explosive thing to drop & you could derail any objections i have to your ranting as invalidating survivors. & when i asked for proof for your claims of ace/aro oppression & them facing corrective rape, you said you didn’t want to look at triggering material when YOU were the one who dropped corrective rape in the first place w absolute no warning & w no thought if it would trigger ME (which it fucking did btw, thx.) it was curious to me that you used corrective rape as a gotcha for ace/aro oppression when it was created to describe the violence that black lesbians face in south africa. esp in light of how you seem to have this pattern of insinuating how lesbians are somehow so accepted by the lgbt community when we’re so uniquely bigoted & we never try to keep out terfs but don’t seem to take into account how ace/aros can can also be transphobic/terfs as well as homophobic & lesbophobic. that’s not a matter of a few “shitty” ppl. lgb ppl are also allowed to be wary of any non-same sex attracted person being homophobic as they necessarily benefit for not being same sex-attracted esp when have been oppressed for displaying any kind of sexual desire & deemed better if we are asexual. & it seems like you have a pattern of only calling out lesbians instead of like also gay/bi men which i find curious. maybe you do tho & i just haven’t seen. but lesbophobia in the lgbt community esp against lesbians of color is real so it’s just odd that for you to keep saying that we have a completely comfortable position in it. also you positing lesbianism & ace/aro identity as exclusive categories does play into the stereotype that lesbians are hypersexual which is esp damaging to lesbians of color. 

anyway, when i researched on my own & found no convincing evidence to support your claims, you threw a tantrum bc NO MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES & FEELINGS OF BEING OPPRESSED = ULTIMATE TRUTH OF ACE/ARO OPPRESSION. your experiences are valid & all. you’re allowed to feel upset by them. but i fail to see being ace/aro constitutes institutional oppression.  in my search, i mainly saw claims of individual microaggressions and acts of verbal violence as evidence of oppression when those things by themselves don’t prove that there’s an explictly anti-ace/aro system of oppression. i can experience microaggressions for being asian & also not being into sex but those are entirely on different levels for me. i know instinctively that racism is an institutional oppression. i’m literally ace & microaggressions for that mean nothing to me in comparison. you feel differently abt it & you’re allowed but again, personal experience of microaggressions doesn’t prove institutional oppression. i also saw vague citings of a study of ppl apparently being more likely to say they’d discriminate against asexuals than lgbt ppl. the study seemed too flawed to me & doesn’t seem to take into account how ppl might know it’s bad to admit they’d discriminate against lgbt ppl but that doesn’t prove they’re not actually homophobic/transphobic. like liberal white ppl likely won’t admit that they’re racist bc they know that looks bad. doesn’t mean they’re not racist. as for corrective rape, i don’t remember finding anything that wasn’t abt violence against black lesbians & certainly not any that cites specifically anti-ace/aro motivations. i’m not saying it can never happen. but in comparison, it can be proven that cr is part of an explicit system of homophobia & misogyny against black lesbians in south africa but i didn’t see any for ace/aros. & i mean, i researched this while reading abt cr which is deeply upsetting to me as a lesbian so it’s not like this was easy for me. but i don’t rly think you have a leg to stand on in this instance bc you never provided any proof & didn’t say what your exacting reasoning on this is. it didn’t even have to be abt cr & i’m not saying you should disclose traumatic experiences, but just… say something to help me understand where you’re coming from. otherwise you look like you’re just expecting a woc to blindly accept & follow you.

& i have to bring up white ace/aro discourse elides how misogyny & patriarchy & racism & other -isms impact pressures to be sexual or asexual.  poc esp black ppl are stereotyped as either hypersexual or asexual. being seen as hypersexual is dehumanizing & can be traumatic & lead to real life serious consequences. i’m literally asexual but i empathize w non-asexual poc esp woc & the struggles they face & thus have no interest in white ace/aro rhetoric that posits being sexual as a universally normal, ideal, uncomplicated privilege & asexuals are oppressed by them. also being seen as asexual/actually being asexual can be so damaging & traumatic to poc which is why so many of us are alienated by white ace/aros who posit it as a universally positive thing to be proud of. white ace/aros also imply that they can somehow face oppression by like non-sexual poc which is concerning in light of the history of racist/colonialist ideas of backwards, hypersexual black & brown menaces & seductresses versus the purity & chastity of whiteness. controlling the sexuality of poc is a key part of white supremacy so there isn’t an obvious oppressor/oppressed dynamic here like men/women, white/poc. & considering how reproductive justice is constantly under fire & how there’s societal pressure for women to be effectively asexual until (hetero) marriage, it’s hard for me to think how non-asexual women not in hetero relationships actually… benefit from being non-asexual. there’s also different expectations abt being sexual for men, esp white men, than women & white ace/aro discourse tends to ignore that. sure, men are generally encouraged to be sexual & the shaming of asexual men likely sucks. but shaming doesn’t necessarily mean ace/aro oppression & seems more like to me a symptom of patriarchy/gender roles & heteronormativity.  so in my estimation, misogyny & patriarchy & racism as well as other systems of oppression like ableism, homophobia, transphobia, & classism better explain these differing expectations for being sexual or asexual rather than ace/aro vs non-ace/aros being an entirely separate dynamic. i literally couldn’t find any evidence for your claims & you got so upset at me for that but never tried giving me one piece of proof. yes, i know that oppressors demanding the oppressed to prove their oppression to them is a legitimate thing & the oppressed don’t need to feel obligated to educate them. i’ve experienced this frustration many times myself. but your behavior in this instance strikes me as white entitlement & again, a sign of you being frustrated that a woc isn’t blindly accepting you’re automatically right.

& when i started getting rly into the racism in white ace/aro discourse, you rly lost your shit. you dropped your abuse history & claimed i was invalidating you being abused for being ace when i literally never did. you straight up lied abt that. & also i know you know that i have experienced abuse & if you like bothered to think, you would take into account that i could be triggered by you dropping that out of nowhere, but instead you dropped it in an attempt to derail & get me to shut up. now this is when you suddenly rave abt how it’s obvious i’m on a bad mental health spiral & i’m believing in conspiracy theories & i’m paranoid, all a transparent attempt to make everything i said abt racism apparently wrong. w/o giving me a chance to reply, you promptly blocked like a coward. oh, also truly hilarious how you’re such a hypocrite for bringing up your friend’s mental health crisis as an excuse for your racialized misogyny when you literally used my mental illnesses to derail & attack me & dropped 2 instances of potentially triggering shit as gotchas & never took into account how this all could impact MY mental health. 

rose also sent me a long ass screed abt how i’m rigid & narrow-minded & crazy & paranoid & lied abt how i’m guilting her abt not being an activist which i explained multiple times i wasn’t. she blocked before i could respond. so not just you but your clique sure seem to love throwing tantrums abt how your feelings equal the ultimate truth & how dare some bitch try to think critically abt institutional oppression & process her thoughts on her private twitter & be, god forbid, socially conscious. who does that chink think she is, am i right? why isn’t she just a doormat & shut up? why is she making us UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!?!! like maybe ask yourselves why you take it so personally & you all don’t like it when i talk abt sj & activism. rly look inside yourself for why that is. 

& as soon as you’re all done with your ravings, which are full of lies & deliberate misinterpretations of what i said & massive projection & anti-intellectualism & manipulation & guilt-tripping, you all block so you don’t have to face the consequences or have to hear me out. that’s so fucking spineless & cowardly. & that’s so loaded since you all prevented me from saying anymore on racism. that’s just classic white fragility & a fear of outspoken, critical woc making you uncomfortable abt race. oh, also shout out to runa who acted “impartial” but did effectively the same thing as you. she acted concerned abt my mental health so she could convince me i’m crazy & get me to shut up abt institutional oppression & racism & instead focus on “fun things” (i.e. non-political, safe topics so she could feel comfortable). i feel esp disappointed in her bc that kind of wishy washy behavior is extremely irritating & patronizing & two-faced to me. i hated her acting like she was worried abt me when she was effectively doing the same thing as you, silencing me & making me feel crazy which means everything i say is wrong. 

really try to reflect why you all thought it was threatening when i tried to facilitate a productive dialogue, i did try to be level-headed & open-minded, emphasized that i just want to understand your pov, researched on my own for your claims, & processed my thoughts on institutional oppression & my experiences as a lesbian woc who’s also ace. i tried to open up a dialogue but you refused & threw a hissy fit bc i dared to not join your echo chamber & tried looking at actual data instead of just believing that you’re automatically right w no proof which is esp loaded in this situation bc you’re white. sjc also pulled this on me too so yes i am angry you also did the same. you all treated me in such bad fucking faith & pulled such fucking passive aggressive, manipulative, cowardly, idiotic bullshit.

god, you know what? your behavior in this indicated a huge sense of white entitlement & a problem w black & white thinking & accompanying self-righteousness. i try so hard to be nuanced & compassionate & flexible & see from your pov & i clearly stated i wanted a dialogue.. what did i get in return for it? not even the bare minimum. you treated me like fucking shit & never gave me even a tiny bit of effort or consideration. that’s racialized misogyny. how fucking dare you give me this fucking insipid half-assed fake apology. you didn’t even fucking try to think abt how you actually hurt me. all i’m getting here is you attempting to assuage a vague sense of guilt FOR YOUR OWN SAKE. not even attempting to think abt how i’m an actual real human being w my own emotions, thoughts, & will. how fucking selfish can you get. not the first fucking time white ppl wanted me just be a doormat, to be their submissive smiling oriental doll only there to validate their stupid, self-centered asses & not the first time their apology was abysmal. actually, you know what, i don’t even know why i even bothered writing all this fucking shit trying to explain myself & wasting my time on you again when you’ve never tried to do anything for me, not even make a fucking decent apology.

in conclusion, this was all v obviously steeped in racism & white entitlement/fragility all in an attempt to silence me bc how fucking dare some woc bring up social justice issues in a way that’s not catered to you. you’ve all shown your asses & clearly demonstrated ableism & racialized misogyny. i’m profoundly disappointed in all of you & you’ve all hurt me so much. i’m blocking you now bc you’ve proven yourself to be a lost cause. 

[tobns]

in regards to my fics.

i hope that y’all know how much i absolutely loathe making these posts. because i do. i hate making them so much.

i’ve put off making this post for awhile because i really, truly, genuinely thought i wasn’t going to have to, that everything would work itself out somehow. but for the last two months or so, i’ve kinda known this in the back of my mind and didn’t really wanna act on it or anything? because it is one of my biggest grievances that i have with myself and my fic-writing: i wait too long to start a project, life comes barreling in the minute i start it and i just fade out, so fast, whenever i start something. i don’t know why, i don’t know if i’ll ever understand why i am so fucking incapable of finishing a story - maybe i just aim too high, maybe i overestimate things, maybe i’m writing it for the wrong reasons, i don’t know. i feel like it’s a combination of all those things.

for those of you who read cdg, for anyone who even remotely heard me talk about it, that story is my pride and joy, truly. i did so much research for cdg, i mapped it out several times, it was something i flung myself into and to me, it really felt like the departure of me just writing la-di-da contemporary stuff. i legit felt like this was the most mature, in depth thing i’d ever taken on and i was so proud of it. i think i screwed up by planning it to be so lengthy (even though i still stand by the fact that the length was necessary due to the fact i was covering two separate timelines) and then once i got back from california, it was hard for me to hop back in the swing of things. i got preoccupied with other things and cdg fell to the wayside. i thought that all it would take was a few new episodes of grey’s to really kick me back into gear, what with megan coming back and that storyline being a source of inspiration, but then they wrapped up the arc in 5 minutes and i just severely disliked the direction of grey’s after (i stopped watching after the megan/nathan episode and haven’t watched any since) and that took another whack to me and my wanting to write it. i love cdg, i love mark and lexie so much, but i just...can’t write that story. and it pisses me off that i can’t bring myself to finish it. i know throwing out excuses is moot for me at this point but i feel awful whenever i do this and let another story waltz into abandonment. i legit feel like a failure of a writer when i do this, but i wanted it off my chest: i don’t know if i will ever finish cdg, if it will just haunt me or if i’ll do something with it should the inspiration ever find me. but for now, cdg’s done. i just needed to say that, bc not addressing it is giving me more grief than anything. i love cdg, but i can’t do it anymore. i’ll be removing it from my fic list in the next few days. to anyone who read this story and supported it, more so than i ever would have imagined for a dead ship for nearly 5 years, i am so sorry, but thank you and i love you. if i find the time and the muse for it, i will continue it, but for now, it’s over. ( the same goes for grey’s fics; the show is so far left and out of character that i don’t even want to watch it or write for it. burned out on yet another fandom, good job emily!! )

the other thing that’s bothering me is cataclysm, and it’s the same sort of gist. i’ve had the story planned for two years now, i’ve been working on this saga since 2013??? and while verrrryyyyy few people still read it (hi amy) i am emotionally attached to what i’ve created. if, for some reason, you’re still out there and you read it, thanks for being patient with me. it’s a story i hope i will see through, but can’t right now due to being inspired with other things as well as just not having the muse for it. i’ve got my fingers crossed that maybe infinity wars will kick my ass into gear, but if it doesn’t, i can make my peace with leaving that story to lay at rest. i wrote so much for it, i dedicated so much of my teen years to that story, and if it doesn’t get seen through, i know in my heart where those characters end up. plus, i don’t think many of you really care all that much anyways about it, so that certainly helps, lmao

finally, seven mile december. here’s your good news: i’m not abandoning it, it’s just taking a little longer than i’d like and that’s okay. school is dragging me along, and that’s out of my control. but i’m writing, and it’s going okay. it’ll see an update on march 11, march 12, solely depending upon what’s finished by then. i’m just trying out a new approach to updating my fics, to see if it helps remedy my epidemic of abandonment. i’ve also got a thg cast oneshot that i’d love to write/see through as well, but for now, i just wanna focus on smd, and get as far with it as i can.

with the upcoming introduction of ruby hale to agents of shield, i know that there’s going to be a lot of my desire to write fic for her and daisy, cileme and i already have a collab in the works (god only knows where that’ll go but we’re pumped) and i’m sure i’ll have plenty of solo fics to bear. it’s why i’m trying to map out my schedule for the next little bit, so i can actually finish things and not feel like garbage when i don’t. hopefully i will continue writing for the hunger games (cast and fiction) as well, and finish those things. i’ve got an original story i’ve got ideas for at the moment, that i’d really love to start, and i want to start back to work at a novel, and perhaps this is where some of you see the issue: i spread myself out so thin, it’s no wonder i don’t get anything done! pacing. i’m trying to get better at it with this new approach to updating - i schedule a period where i write solely nothing but that one project and i don’t update until the scheduled day, and hopefully it produces a lot more content.  

fic writing was not something i ever meant to feel like a chore, but somewhere along the line it has begun to feel that way. it was my hobby and my passion and i don’t ever want that to change, but i’ve got to do some serious work with me and my writing habits. for those of you who follow me because of my fics, thank you so so so so so so so so much for bearing with me and being much kinder on me than i’ve ever been on myself when it comes to updates. i’ve mentioned it before, the battle i have with trying to keep an audience as well as make sure i’m still having fun and not treating this like a job, and i am STILL struggling so much with that. writing this post gives me so many conflicting emotions, because part of me feels like yes, i can sit down and start writing chapter 14/15 of cdg and get it done, accomplish something, but the other part of me just knows i would be miserable the whole time. do other fic writers beat themselves up as much as i do??? i have no idea. but i beat myself up a lotttt. 

basically, stuff is coming. if you wanna read me in the meantime, check out my blog. thank you for not coming after me with pitchforks. i’m trying to get better, and i’m trying to get back to a place where i genuinely enjoy writing (whether it’s fic or original stuff) so much that i don’t have to make these stupid posts feeling like i have to explain myself or apologize, i can just...do it and not feel like a human dumpster. if you’ve read til here, you’re a legend. ily. xx

[underthebluerain]

Watched Thor: Ragnarok yesterday. Some of it I liked, some of it I loved, most of it was a mess, some of it I hated. The things I loved made me really emotional and saved it from being a wholly bad experience. The things I hated are the reason I am really glad I didn’t spend money on it.

Fair warning, this "review” is as messy and disjointed as the film. Also long.

-The moment the movie started with Thor’s monologue it was clear it was 100% off tone with the Thor universe. Like what.

-The first woman we saw in Thor was Jane Foster doing scientific research. The first women we see in Ragnarok are two unnamed fanservice extras who are presumably skurge’s conquests and are there for the guy to show off to, with barely any lines, no important role and (I think) never seen again. Just a thought.

-I will admit, I did fid some moments funny and genuinely enjoyed them. Others were just ridiculous, a sign they completely ignored the kind of story and especially characters they were showing. And the moments that should’ve been dramatic but that were played in a funny way, even worse. Like Thor and Loki’s reunion. Thor thought he was dead, again. Honestly. Take away all the emotional depth why don’t you. (Yeah I still laughed but it was a Robbed Angst Moment).

-Not to be That Guy but... Loki’s in-universe The Dark World play has Lady Sif and the Warriors Three in a bigger role than they had in it (since they are present at Svartalfheim) and also has Jane in it so 1) it’s keeping both Sif and Jane UNLIKE THIS MOVIE and 2) how shitty is that the in-play acknowledges these characters and the film proper doesn’t. I am so tired of Marvel’s self-referential “haha let’s lampshade the fact that the women are missing but not actually do anything to remedy it!” also unashamedly used in AOU and Antman.

-The bit they showed us about the play I liked in general though, it had plenty of Bro Feels. And Odin!Loki mouthing “I didn’t do it for him” lol but also aww. Also interesting that Sif and the W3 were included (just like in his deleted TDW imagining. He really wants Thor’s friends to like him damn) worried about him and Sif was sent to get help...?? They are not helping me forget about sifki tbh

-Also I shouldn’t be surprised that something serious like Loki’s origins was mentioned only to be funny but like... what?? He seriously decided to let everyone know?? Really?? And is this play seriously how he decided to do it?? When was this?? Was everyone chill with it?? When did he become cool with it?? 

-Was Jotun!Loki called a blue icicle or did I hallucinate that

-Literally the only mention of Jane is of how she dumped Thor and him saying he dumped her instead. Besides Jane being missing, several reasons why this is shitty: 1) again, only one mention of her in the entire film 2) the only mention has her referred to only insofar as her relationship or lack thereof with Thor goes 3) Thor wouldn’t be trying to save face regarding the breakup, he’d just be sad about it 4) it isn’t a good enough reason to have her missing, fuck you.

-Thor to Strange: “Who are you and why should I care” lmao same

-Hela being Odin’s daughter is so out of left field. The backstory regarding her helping Odin win the realm even more so. What?? Just what??

-On the other hand, nice to see the fishiness about Odin and Asgard’s treatment of other realms acknowledged as shitty. But they still had Odin’s only scenes  being good to his sons...?

-I am conflicted about Hela’s design because on the one hand I am gay and find it sexy but on the other I kind of resent they gave her the Black Skintight Catsuit™ of Sexy Female Characters.

-The W3 didn’t deserve those sudden deaths and Thor didn’t deserve to not find out about them.

-I SO loved Thor and Loki’s interactions. I'VE MISSED THEM SO MUCH

-The mural with the family was nice. I didn’t like how frigga was depicted lower than her husband (and this even though she’s taller...) and looking at him/the ground while the men are looking forward, but it does make sense given Asgard’s sexism (as established in other movies, because apparently now they have an all-women army. Ok then why was Sif being the only female warrior a big deal?? Answer: this movie doesn’t give a shit about continuity)

-So... Odin was ashamed of how he got the realm... but he still made a hugeass mural about it??

-I do like hearing Odin get called out. also Odin manipulated history, who else isn’t surprised?

-Again with the humour being used to reference a tragic past event: Loki’s apparently telling the Sakaar gang (whom he barely knows) about how he let go of the Bifrost. As if it’s a funny anecdote. They all laugh. What.

-Just let Hulk stay there and rot Thor

-Hulk is an asshole, I didn’t need more reasons to hate him but they gave them to me

-They didn’t just made an AOU reference they actually had the gall to show me ooc!nat and fucking brutasha AGAIN EW EW EW WHY FUCK aaand I officially hate Taika Waititi. I am SO glad I didn’t go see this movie in a theatre can you imagine giving more money to be traumatised with the same shit again omg

-Lmao they literally threw in a line in just to give Banner more degrees than Jane, Phd’s actually, so his are more important right? The male ego truly is astounding

-I thought we’d see more of Valkyrie’s backstory and her grudge against Hela, but at least we got something. Also her name wasn’t revealed?? Was it in the credits? She is cool though. I liked that her introduction was not at all dignified (falling off the ship bc she’s drunk? lol. Wasn’t expecting it tbh) but she got her dignity back. I’ve seen it mentioned that her story of “badass warrior leaves after traumatic battle and becomes jaded drunk who pretends not to care about anything but eventually finds it in herself to come back and fight for what’s right” is a story usually reserved for men and it’s great that she got it.

-I feel so defeated that Asgard had to be destroyed.

-The rock alien was quite funny.

-Thor has literally lost his home, his girlfriend, his mother, his father, several of his friends (not that anyone told him) and his fucking eye give this boy a fucking break

-Thank god Thor didn’t end up believing Loki was dead again bc I would’ve gone there and killed him myself tbh

-I think one of my main problems with the film is that I actually enjoyed the adventure, some of the humour and few emotional moments, but it ignored and/or glossed over so much that was important that it’s not as gut-wrenching as its predecessors. To sum up: this movie was a good fic, but not a good enough Thor movie, you get me? Especially given how this is probably the very last Thor movie.

-Even without watching the Infinity Wars trailer it’s obvious Loki’s taken the Tesseract you little shit. I hope Thor knows and is like “take it out let’s see what we do with it hmm?”

-Fuck, I really enjoyed Loki and Thor’s relationship in this movie. On the one hand, the movie robbed them of several emotional moments (Thor finding out Loki’s alive, their reunion, a longer confrontation), but on the other the humour gave them several great scenes of sibling banter and backstory that I loved so much (even if some of it didn’t make sense like the snake anecdote: cute, funny but nonsensical). And despite the movie’s light tone not fitting with the other films’, I... feel like it did kinda fit their relationship here? The film made it work. I still wish we’d gotten more emotional scenes and arguing and angst, but I did like to see that it’s been quite some time since their grievances and that has sort of caused them to cool over a bit, so things are calmer, lighter. And that allows Loki to act less like a “I’m gonna betray you” (which is still there, but he doesn’t play it up so much), and above all allows Thor to say, “look, this has been fucked up for a few years, I don’t think trying to stay together will work”. Which I think is both sincere and reverse psychology. Sincere because Thor has been through a lot of pain and he knows Loki has too, so he doesn’t think he can handle having Loki there but not being able to trust him, and if Loki wants out he’s not gonna force him to stay. And reverse psychology because he’s hoping so bad that he’ll want to stay, that he’ll choose to. Freely. And he knows that the only way he will make a free choice is if he thinks Thor has made his and that it’s to stop pursuing him. I AM EMOTIONAL

-AND LOKI DID COME BACK TO HELP AND THOR FUCKING BELIEVED HE WOULD OKAY

- “IF YOU WERE REALLY HERE I MIGHT HUG YOU” “I’M HERE” GFHXKCJDLKLXKS

-WHAT THE FUCK WHERE IS MY HUG

-AND THEY DID END THE MOVIE TOGETHER SIDE BY SIDE WITH THOR AS KING AND LOKI AS ADVISOR AND GOING TO EARTH AND FACING WHATEVER DANGER IS COMING TOGETHER AND I AM VERY EMOTIONAL OKAY