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theshotsheardacrossworlds · 1 year ago

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Set post-5.1. Agi is asked to go undercover for the Scions while they are short staffed, which means the return of...Lala Agi. SFW.

“So, what you’re both saying is because Thancred isn’t available, Riol is overworked, and the others are spread too thin…I need to do crystal reconnaissance?” Agnes asked, dreading the answer. I hate recon. I truly hate it. I’m not good at it, and I stand out like a sore—oh no. She inwardly groaned remembering the last time she did crystal reconnaissance. Thancred’s temporary fantasia made me a lalafell. Oh dear.

“That would be correct!” Krile exclaimed. “We’ve had the same temporary fantasia made for you again—"

“Lala Agi makes a return.” Agnes sighed. Well, it won’t be too long. I hope. “La Noscea I’m guessing?”

“And the Black Shroud.” Tataru added, handing over a report to Agnes. “I have clothes for you as well as a special saddle for Horace.”

Great. “Tataru, before I take this, I want a staff that’s meant for a lalafell with my abilities, because…erm…”

Tataru’s eyes widened. “Oh Agnes, of course! I’ll have one made right away!” Tataru hurried outside of the Rising Stones, presumably to pay Rowena an exorbitant sum for a lalafell white mage staff.

Agnes and Krile shared a look and giggled. I suppose it could be worse—at least now I know I’ll be a lalafell and not taken by surprise, THANCRED.

***

To Agnes’s delight, the reconnaissance only took a few days, and Agnes even assisted the Malestrom with dealing with the smugglers.

There was just one problem.

The “temporary” fantasia would last at least another week.

Agnes wrote to Krile and Tataru that she would staying at her Mum’s until the fantasia wore off, to which they both happily agreed was a good idea. “Rest, Agi!” Tataru scribbled at the bottom of the parchment. Luci, after hugging and kissing her “little baby”, decided to leave to see her cousins in Ul’dah so Agnes could invite Estinien to spend time with her.

It would be wonderful to see him. We haven’t seen each other for over a moon. I miss him so much.

And so Agnes did just that.

Hello love,

Long story short, but I’m a lalafell again—this time for longer. I’ll be at the cottage to lay low. If you’re not busy (and you might be doing something important), you could come stay with me. If you can’t, then I completely understand, love.

Agi

***

Within a half day of her letter being sent, Agnes heard a knock on the door as she read in Luci’s chair.

“Coming!” She waddled to the door and opened it to find a long pair of legs in front of her. However, she barely had a moment to greet Estinien before he lifted her and gave her a big kiss. Oh! Agnes caressed his unshaven cheek with my very small hands.

“Hello, love.” She whispered, giving another short kiss.

Estinien’s nose rubbed against hers. “Well, well I see my lady has become a small lady. How are you, sweet girl?”

“Fairly good. Was just reading when you knocked.”

“Reading what, pray tell?” He now had her in one arm and closed the door behind him.

“Oh, just a silly little romance novel Mum left for me. She thought I might enjoy it. How are you, love?”

“Good. Been keeping myself busy with jobs and such. Aymeric also sorted out my pension, so that’s another source of income.” He placed her on the counter and opened a cabinet to remove a glass. “As a former, living Azure Dragoon I’m entitled to more than a little gil every moon. Since I know not where I’ll be, I already asked your mother if she’d hold onto it for me.”

Agnes raised an eyebrow. Does he come here that often? “Oh?”

Estinien smiled softly. “Aye, I trust Luci. Besides, stopping here means no one will know my true whereabouts.” OH REALLY?! “Not you! Not you, Agi. I swore to you that you’d always know where I am. I mean…others.” He turned up his nose. “That Baldesion woman and your coinkeeper.”

His lady bit back a laugh. “Krile and Tataru are amazingly smart and resourceful women, and I count myself lucky to be their friend.” Never get on Tataru’s bad side though. I’m sure she has bodies hidden somewhere. “Tataru even got me a smaller staff and glasses to use, while Krile gave me some clothes to wear.”

“Hmph.” Estinien huffed before sipping some water he had just poured. “They’re menaces. How did they find me in Kugane?”

Trust me, you don’t want to know. She reached for his arm and pat him. “Doesn’t matter, love. What would you like to do?”

“This may be surprising, but I’d love to go fishing. Haven’t with you in…what? Well over a year?” Putting his glass down, he then placed one large hand on either side of her and leaned to kiss her forehead. I always melt when he does that. Melt into a giant Agi-sized puddle of goo. “How does that sound? We can even pick up whatever we want to eat, lady’s choice.”

Agnes’s chocolate-brown eyes widened. “A giant platter of fried seafood?”

Estinien grinned, kissing her forehead again. “Whatever the lady desires. Assuming there’ll be enough for me in this platter?”

“Or on the platter. OOPS!” Agnes covered her mouth with one of her extremely tiny hands. Estinien barked a laugh and kissed her lips this time.

“My sweet Agi is always so funny. Tis one of the many things I love about you.” Estinien sighed, brushing his nose against hers. “I have one request.”

Just one? Agnes raised an eyebrow.

“I should like to carry you while I’m here. You’re my lady---small lady, for the moment---and I know the last time you got pissed at me for even suggesting it…” I did. I yelled at him. Not my best moment. “But you may get tired trying to keep up with me, or worse, something may attack you—”

Agnes snorted and crossed her arms over her chest. “Love, I’m the Warrior of Light, not some bloody little ragdoll!”

“I-I know. I just wish to keep you safe. That’s all.” He looks upset. No, love. Please. “Agi, I don’t think you’re helpless. I want to care for you as I always have done. But especially now because you’re very…small.” He looks like he’s almost pleading with me. Pleading me to understand. Oh, love. I do.

“Who am I to deny such a heartfelt plea? You may carry me around as you wish, love.” Agnes said with a smile. Estinien grinned and lifting her into his arms, kissing her.

“I’ll have you on my shoulder. That way you can have a nice view.”

I normally do have a nice view! Because I’m tall!

“Shall we go fishing and get your ‘giant platter of fried seafood’?”

Agnes clapped happily. “Yes! It’ll be so nice to have this time together. I’ve felt awful because I’m being pulled in so many directions—”

Estinien laughed, lifting her to hold onto one arm. “Oh Agi, you needn’t ever apologize to me. The time we share, no matter how little, is dear to me. Now, shall we go?”

Nuzzling against his cheek and holding on for dear life, Agnes nodded.

***

“Would you still love me if I looked like this all the time?” Agnes asked as she dipped a piece of fried shrimp in a spicy red sauce. The damndest things pop into my head sometimes and then I just blurt them out.

Estinien raised an eyebrow, his mouth full of calamari. “Wot?”

“If I was a lalafell…suppose the fantasia didn’t wear off and I look like this now…would you still love me?” I think I know what the answer is, but I want to hear it from him.

He swallowed and still eyed her warily. “What brought this on? You were talking about Alphinaud’s efforts in Eulmore a few minutes ago.”

She sighed dramatically. “It’s another one of those ‘strange thoughts Agi gets and can’t let it go’ things. So, please answer.” Agnes pouted, doing her best pretty please with sugar on top face.

“Fury take me,” he groaned, his face going into his hands. “First of all, you’re bloody mad sometimes.” Accurate! “Second, of course I would! I’d love you if you were a godsdamned slug! What on earth brought this on?”

Agnes threw her hands in the air. “It just popped into my head! Like, what if when G’raha summoned me to the First I somehow became a lalafell and it was permanent?! How would you feel? How would you react?!?!?!” Oh gods, now I do sound positively mad. SHUT UP, AGI.

“Woman, you drive me mad sometimes.” He rolled his eyes, groaning. “I would feel relieved because you’re alive and safe! If you were somehow made to be a lalafell for the rest of your days, then I’d love you as I do now. I’d still want to be with you. I’d still want to have children with you. I’d still long to spend every moment with you. You’ll always be my sweetheart…for as long as you’ll have me.” He smiled ruefully, taking one of her small hands in hers.

Don’t start bawling. Don’t do it. Don’t you dare, AGI!!!! With her free hand, she wiped a few tears from her eyes. “Oh gods, I mean I knew you’d feel that way, but…” her lower lip quivered. “You love me just as much as I love you.” She hopped down from her seat and ran to Estinien, who picked her up and sat her in his lap. “Gods, I love you so fucking much.” She hugged him and could hear his heartbeat. Normal and steady. So strong. And yet beneath the strength is kindness and gentleness.

Estinien rocked them slowly, an arm firmly around Agnes’s waist. “As I ever love you,” he chuckled as he ran his other hand through her hair. “Though I would absolutely insist on carrying you everywhere if you were a lalafell.”

Laughing, Agnes lightly smacked his chest. “Naughty man, you can’t possibly do that!”

He pretended to think for a moment, making her giggle. “Alright, I’ll only carry you to bed every night.”

Oh that sounds lovely!!!! She sighed happily, nuzzling his chest.

“And to the beach. And mayhap on my shoulders when out and about in Kugane. And—” He began tickling her sides.

Naughty man is teasing me! “You! You! No! No! NO! Only to bed! And if there’s bad weather! That’s it!”

He barked a laugh. “O-ho does my little lady not want to walk in the mud or snow?”

“No, thank you!” She looked up and stuck her tongue out at him, causing him to laugh heartily. After a few moments of laughter, he kissed her on the head. “But really though, I’m happy to hear that…even though I knew it. I love you.”

Estinien kissed her on the head again. “I love you too. Hey, do you mind if we go fishing tomorrow?”

“Fine with me, love.” Honestly, with how much I’ve eaten and how much I still want to eat, maybe fishing isn’t a good idea. I kind of just want to—

“I was thinking we could head back to the cottage and have a cuddle.”

YOU READ MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She clapped and cheered.

He began to laugh again, still keeping a firm grip on her waist. “Woman, if you wanted a damn cuddle then just tell me!” Tickling her sides, he laughed. “I’ll always cuddle you! Always!”

Always. Even when I’m very, very small.

#agnes currai #estinien varlineau #wolstinien #estinien x wol #these two dorks #estinien wyrmblood #smol agnes currai #lala agi #let's face it estinien would love her even if she was a slug

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wcrriorhearts · 2 years ago

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Even though Aemma had never met her mother, she was said to be a lot like her. Less easy to frighten and smarter, as Daemon liked to point out, because he had heard stories of her mother’s slow wits, yet she possessed the same gentle nature of the princess and had often felt utterly misplaced at the Eyrie, where everyone was cold, rough edges and blunt humor. She had stood out like a sore thumb, with her silver hair, pale complexion and lavender hues. Yet - it was home and the Keep had never felt like it so far. Aemma loved her cousins, her grandmother and many of the people who served her, but she still got homesick, even after four years here. It hurt her to know that she was forcing Rowena to stay here, who did not fit in at the Keep and was a child of the Vale through and through. Less rough in her presence, but strong, resilient, independent and stubborn. A perfect match for her brother with equal character, who had never been quite interested in his youngest sister. Aemma blamed it on the age gap she had to most of her siblings and was grateful that Darnold allowed Rowena to stay so far from home. Not that he thought he truly had a say in the matter. Her friend could be rather headstrong.

“And what information would that provide them with, my dearest Rowena? That I love you like a sister? They already know that, it is not a secret”, Aemma replied and smiled over at the other, reaching out to place a bit of foam on the older woman’s nose in jest. She knew the walls had ears here, but it mattered not to the girl if anyone knew she refrained from using titles within the walls of her own chambers. It was silly to her to cling on to something that essentially meant nothing. They were just empty words that some people pretended were a birthright and made them better than others, but Aemma believed that actions alone should be responsible for how highly one was regarded. So she thought little of titles and was not willing to let anyone she considered a close friend use them in private moments, because she was just like them. Just a girl, who happened to have been the daughter of a princess, nothing more. She would much rather be regarded as a good person, than royalty.

The idea of being examined by a midwife was utterly dreadful, but probably long overdue. Aemma didn’t like to be fussed over, and liked it even less when unfamiliar hands touched her, so she had warded off any attempts of the Grand Maester to ensure her health, by merely proclaiming that she was well and needed no medical attention. Grandmother Alysanne had laughed at it more than once and let the girl be. She had not suffered greatly in the first moon cycles of her pregnancy and was only just now beginning to feel unwell, with all the aches and pains keeping her up at night. And with it came the looming darkness of fear that she might suffer her mother’s fate and die in a few short weeks, or even days. No one could quite predict when the babe would come. Sighing, she leaned her head back, but nodded. “If it calms your mind, my darling. I shall be seen by the midwife. Hopefully she’ll tell me that it is over soon. I am growing quite weary of being in pain every day and waddling about the Keep like a tortoise.” Her hand reached out to find Rowena’s and she squeezed it gently. “I am sure you will be with child soon, my dear. But for that I must send you back home, mustn’t I? Babe’s unfortunately only come into existence with the help of men, who are utterly useless at everything else, but find their true calling in the marriage bed. Luckily Viserys doesn’t even dream of touching me these days. It is not one of my more favored past times. The only good part about it is that it’s most often over quickly and I can go about the rest of my night.” She laughed and sat up in the tub, before standing slowly, so that she could get out of the water and start the day.

The Vale suited Rowena in a way that King’s Landing never did. She was better with the open sky above her; it softened the severe lines of her features and lightened her heart so she was less quick with her barbs, more patient with the faults of others. Her husband Darnold did not love her with passion, but they respected one another, and he gave her the run of the household, which functioned as smoothly as any barracks with her hand on the helm. If it was not for Aemma Rowena would never have left her mountain holdfast; she had never been the sort of woman who longed for travel, and the Vale was adventure enough for her. The Old King had called, however, for his niece, and had arranged her wedding, so Rowena had little choice - nor, of course, did Aemma.

It was not that Rowena was a stranger to marriages arranged in that way; her own father, Lord Corbray, cared little for the prospects of his daughter, but her mother was ambitious and had long been close to Lord Rodrik’s first wife; the two women had decided that their children would wed when they were both still being coddled by their wetnurses. She had been raised to become Lady Arryn, and had never expected to be swept off her feet. In fact, she would have mistrusted any man who tried. But she had been seventeen when she was wed, and a tall, well-built girl of seventeen, with a confident demeanor and a no-nonsense attitude that rapidly established her position in her husband’s life. Aemma was not weak - never weak, and Rowena would shout down anyone who suggested she was - but she took after her mother Daella, who had been a slender, pretty, frightened thing, so terrified of the winds in the rafters of the Eyrie that she had wept piteously on her first ascent. Rowena felt a surge of protectiveness whenever she thought of Aemma’s condition, and this morning was no different.

Rowena echoed her charge’s smile, pleased despite herself to see Aemma so full of life. “The gardens are lovely today,” she confirmed as she directed the maids and then shooed them from the room. “Darnold writes that the Stone Crows have been making braver sorties close to the Gates of the Moon, but he does not sound too concerned.” She would like the chance to talk to Aemma alone before the duties of the Court claimed her. She dampened the soft cloth in the warm bath water and began to gently wash Aemma’s back, her head tilted to one side in concentration, and smiled gently at her. “You know that I am your sister. But it is good to maintain our courtesies, even when we think we are alone. You never know who is listening and storing up information, especially in the Red Keep.” Luckily they were close to the warm fire, and the gentle sloshing of the water would drown out any sound. Rowena sighed and sat back on her heels, allowing Aemma to simply soak for a few moments if she so desired. She dried her hands on the blue velvet of her gown, for a moment looking younger than her usual stiff demeanor allowed. “A walk in the gardens may ease the ache in your back,” she said. “But then I must insist you allow the midwife to check you over, my love. You know that I have not had children," not yet, she told herself, trying to repress the small flush in her cheeks, as my mother constantly reminds me, "and I may miss certain signs…I would not want you to become unwell under my watch.” At least Rowena had found a woman who seemed trustworthy, a clean and kind older lady from near Rosby. Much better than the leering Maesters the Old King kept about him.

#ɪᴛ ɪs ᴡᴏᴍᴇɴ ᴡʜᴏ ᴇɴᴅᴜʀᴇ ( House of the Dragon ) - Aemma Arryn #ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴏᴠᴇʟʏ ʙᴏɴᴇs ɢʀᴏᴡɴ ᴀʀᴏᴜɴᴅ ᴍʏ ᴀʙsᴇɴᴄᴇ ( queue )

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shallowseeker · 1 year ago

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Friendly Friday ask: Jack did some things while in the womb (like learning from Kelly, giving Cas the vision of the future); were those conscious choices, automatic/subconscious responses, result of his godly powers later on, or...? [Or for an easier question: if Jack went on a date, who would be the best/worst at giving him advice?]

Happy Saturday!

Jack + from the womb

Jack's subconscious: I think the fandom-preferred/simplest explanation is that Jack's choices were subconscious, and Dagon certainly hint at that that with:

Dagon: You really thought that was gonna work? You get the chance to be Mary of Nazareth, Part 2, Evil Jesus Edition. Kelly: He's not. Dagon: Excuse me? Kelly: He's not. My baby's not evil. He saved me. Dagon: That's what you think happened? (Laughs) Uh, he saved himself. He doesn't care about you. Nothing's changed. He's born, you die. But don't worry. I'll be there, right by his side, to nurture him, love him, to help him to kill everything.

On the other hand, you could certainly argue the same thing about all human children. Does it truly love its parent in the beginning, or is simply looking to survive? For a mother to nourish it & a father to protect it from threats?

///

Jack's powers? I looove the take that his God-like powers did in fact reach into the future, as the episode is named.

But I like to think, like with Missouri Moseley and Tess Turner in 13x03, "the future isn't set in stone," and it can be misinterpreted or misunderstood, especially through your own personal lenses, hopes, and dreams.

I have some additional, thoughts about that here:

-> -> -> The events of the future kinda happened, just not for Cas

I also love to play with the thought that his powers were at work in other ways:

-> -> -> Kelly + Jack + water + taking control of the narrative

///

Jack + the classic date scenario

Your second ask is too fun! If Jack went on a date, there is not a single person in that household who wouldn't make it actively worse.

Sam has a stilted checklist of normalcy but has flashes of freakiness that would definitely not work in real life

Dean lurches into cartoonishly macho date advice that fails authenticity (his advice on love on the other hand? fantastic!)

Cas's advice veers between saccharine (a single rose! poetry!) and too much chivalry. He's also way too blunt.

And we saw what Rowena's dating life was like: "Don't be yourself. Lie."

I think...Mary gives the best advice, but that advice is simply, "Under no circumstances should you listen to Sam, Dean, or Cas on this."

#DID I SCHEDULE THIS #I WASN"T DONE LOL #drafts that escape

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roublardise · 4 years ago

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hii bestie, for the characters ask: share your thoughts on rowena 👀

thank u omg yes

How I feel about this character

I can’t believe she’s from spn bc hello?????? How is she so great. I think I went off about her once about how basically I kept expecting spn to undermine her powers with new characters showing up etc. But they didn’t and she’s like.... she’s the most powerful witch. She survived Lucifer twice. She brought HERSELF back from the dead. She’s QUEEN of Hell.

She’s so bitchy and even when she’s TFW’s friend she doesn’t suddenly become super soft or anything.

She’s introduced by drinking tea with dead people stuck on her ceiling. I am in love with her. I want her to be my mom.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

I don’t think I ship her romantically with anyone tbh?? None of the people she’s been set up with in canon bc she’s arospec lesbian actually. Oscar was mistaking being grateful with romantic love ; Lucifer was worshipping power and rebellion ; Gabriel was about sex ; Ketch was being bored by the end of the world. I’ve heard some people ship Rowena with Sam but Sam is her apprentice I can’t see it at all.

BUT I’ve been introduced to Rowena/Mary and honestly I’m listening very closely!!! I love the potential of it. It’s not smth I ship like... strongly. But it’s the ship with Rowena that I enjoy the best, and tbh the only ship with Rowena I enjoy actually! Rowena is girlboss4girlboss!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character

I’m gonna say Rowena & Jack’s dynamic. She sees him and goes “ok you are my nephew now” and she IS. She’s his aunt!!!!

I loved what they did with Sam getting into magic and the Lucifer thing. And I love Rowena & Dean dynamic bc she is the mother of his ex and it’s funny. And I love Rowenna & Cas dynamic I want more of that!!

But what makes me feel the most was truly the way Rowena handled Jack after his meltdown. No shade to Mary but she truly handled the autistic kid very very badly. Whereas Rowena respected his space, heard him out, stayed calm, all while slowly pushing him into talking to TFW bc that was the thing to do in this situation. And ig a lot of it was intended as like... Rowena realizing Jack’s power and not wanting to risk dying?

But I truly see it as Rowena caring for Jack bc she can see he’s just a boy, and being able to... see that forcing his hand won’t work at all with Jack. Like she sees the kid, but she sees the person, and each person has their own way to react to things. She’s not infantillizing him in the “I know best listen to me” way.

And maybe it reminds her of Fergus and how bad a mother she was, and here it’s a way for her to.. not to make it up, but to do better. I think Rowena would be a good mother actually - if she had a kid because she wanted to, and now that she’s learned love isn’t weakness.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I have no idea what would be unpopular lmao. I haven’t seen Rowena posts which pissed me off (yet?). I just think she’s perfect and never did anything wrong and the Rowena & Crowley dynamic is truly one family dynamic spn nailed. When she appeared I was like “omg boring the evil mother another redhead blablabla” but joke’s on me!!!!!!

Her makeups & outfits are always so epic honestly Rowena....... I wanna be your apprentice teach me the girlboss ways. If I was a demon in Hell and Rowena was queen? I’d prob have a fling with her and she’d break my heart and I’d thank her.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I don’t have specific things bc honestly the fact she survived all the show is already like.... everything I could have asked for. Especially with her queen of Hell ending.

However what I want is: a girlboss evil team spin off. Rowena & Ruby & Meg & Bela (as a demon by now).

It’s wayward sisters but with these extremelly morally grey characters. They kill abusers but not only. They’re manipulating people to get what they want. They mostly just wanna survive ; it’s fight or flight, not revenge. They drink wine and paint each other nails and gossip about hunters. It’s not a “life was a bitch with me so I’m gonna be a bitch”. It’s more a “idc about anything but helping myself bc you only have yourself in this life”. But then they have each other <3 And idk there’s some plot about Hell or hunters or whatever and they see Mary often I think Mary would join the team eventually.

Belphegor is a regular side character bc I love him and I also think Rowena would make him her nephew in 0.2sec. Some others can also appear from time to time but it’s not their show it’s about evil-ish sapphics.

#ask game #thank you for the suggestion!!!!#truly love rowena i have much thoughts #rowena #rowena macleod #spn takes #spn #books-heroes #spn.txt

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samsrowena · 2 years ago

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moogs!!! I saw in your poll that you had ~unpopular~ thoughts about Rowena’s ending being becoming the queen of hell and I would be really interested to hear them if you wanted to elaborate!!! <333 if you’ve already talked about it somewhere then ignore me, I must’ve missed it, just link me to that maybe? love hearing your thoughts bestie - jo

HIII i'd be happy to!!! apologies in advance if this gets kind of rambly or incoherent lol

but okay so my main problem with it is that it just feels really reductive (which is on par with everyone else's ending but i digress). in theory i guess i get how it could feel like a full circle moment; she was introduced wanting the throne for selfish, evil purposes and then her story ends with her having the throne and using it for good. but in execution, i was not a fan. to start with, in 15x08 she seemed to revert to season ten rowena (but this is buckleming writing her so i shouldn't be surprised), bragging about everyone being afraid of her and then saying she wished she died a long time ago, as if all of her character development up until that point meant nothing

because i honestly just don't see any scenario in which she'd ever even want to become ruler of hell after season thirteen. she didn't care about power anymore. she'd been completely broken by lucifer and all she wanted was redemption. and i really despise the idea that sacrificing herself to save the world but then still being condemned to hell anyway was her being redeemed (of course she's not the only character they do this with; the message that you have to die for redemption/forgiveness runs rampant in the show and it sucks)

then there's the whole destiny thing. which is just like. i'm sorry but why in the hell would a group of people who literally call themselves "team free will" just accept that someone they care about is destined to die??? the only time they even allude at attempting to change her fate is at the end of funeralia but then they never even try. and in a season where their whole goal is to free themselves from thee biblical god's control, you would think they'd push back on the idea that her fate is set in stone a whole lot harder than they did (which is basically not at all). i just know in my heart that is so so so unlike them, especially sam after finding out he was the one who would kill her. this is the same guy who spent a whole season trying to save dean from certain doom (not to mention the countless other examples of him obsessing over saving people he cares about), so there is NO doubt in my mind he would've did the same for rowena

but i don't know, i mean i definitely understand the appeal of her becoming queen and maybe i'd be more open to it if they ended up doing more with it (and to their credit they apparently planned to, ruthie said at a con she was signed on for more episodes but covid ruined that) but at the end of day i just truly think she deserved so much more than being relegated to an eternity of doing a job that even her own son despised at the end

#thank you for asking bestie!!!! always happy for the chance to rant and rave about my favs hahaha #💌#lonelygodscompanion #feathersforcas #<- since you also asked for an elaboration on this renu <3 #rowena macleod #supernatural #spn

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aoitrinity · 4 years ago

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Why Do I Have to Feel Like a Fucking Conspiracy Theorist -- OR -- How I Find a Semblance of Peace on Sunday Night

I’m also going to start this out with a GIANT DISCLAIMER.

I am about to theorize about what may have happened to the SPN finale. I have absolutely no insider knowledge. I am merely speculating here based on the panels and a bunch of Twitter and Tumblr posts that I have been reading over the last few days. If you are not in a good place to read such things, TURN BACK PLEASE. Go take care of yourself and your mental health. You and your feelings are valid and deserve to be handled gently right now.

Additionally, if you are here to give me shit for being unhappy with the ending, please walk away as well. I am here to reach out and share my feelings with people who might be struggling to make sense of something that upset some of us in very deep-seated ways. I am not here to bother you or critique you or tell you that you’re lesser because you liked the ending. If you felt it was good, then go enjoy it.

Long-ass post beneath the cut, everyone.

Alrighty folks...I debated whether or not to do this because I have been spiraling down the hell that is the SPN finale since Thursday. The travesty of what happened to our show--to this beloved show that seemed to have been so perfectly and precisely written for at least four years that it had basically already paved its own tarmac on which to land its plane and we all thought we knew exactly what we were going to get. And then we didn’t. We had a nigh Cas-less and entirely Eileen-less ending. We had no goodbye between Cas and Jack. We had Dean dying young after finally finding his freedom, only to ascend to heaven with no one but Bobby. We had the weird, weird, weird incest-y death scene. We had the bridge crane shot thing because...sure. You do you, Robert Singer.

It was so terrible, so truly awful, and I couldn’t seem to square any of it with anything we had known going in. I tossed and turned and cried and didn’t eat or sleep all weekend. I spent hours just reloading tumblr and twitter, going to the Misha panel, reading and reading and listening and trying to figure out what the fucking hell is going on because I needed to know exactly where to direct my anger. And after a fuckton of talking with @winchester-reload, I think we have at least a very plausible theory about what happened here--I’m laying it out below as much for my own peace of mind as anything else, because otherwise all of these thoughts are going to continue to spin around in my head for weeks and I won’t be able to do jack shit.

Now to start off, unfortunately I do think Dean was slated to die from the beginning of this season. I don’t know WHY they thought that was the best way to go, and I wish they had listened to Jensen on this one. Part of me wonders if it was an order from on high based on the discussion between Becky and Chuck earlier this season--the writers knew it wasn’t a great choice, but they were trying to signal to us that we should feel free to write our own endings to the story because they’d be better (I can wax poetic on the signs of why many of the writers probably wanted Dean to live, but that’s another post). I’m not defending that choice by any means, just laying it out there that I think they didn’t necessarily all want to kill Dean like they did.

However, what I THINK I can explain now is what happened with Misha and why we got so jerked around with Cas’s story. Consider what we know (I can’t immediately source all of it, but I did my best):

At the end of episode 15x19, Lucifer has been returned to the Empty after being killed AGAIN. He talks with Cas. Maybe harasses him a bit about Dean, idk. But then...Jack shows up. New God Jack. And he picks up Cas and pulls him out of the Empty, leaving Lucifer behind, because seriously. Fuck that guy (also leaving behind his abusive father is character growth for Jack, so yay for that).

-Misha was contracted to film 15 episodes this season. He was only in 14.

-Misha told Michael Sheen he had to go back to film 1.5 episodes after the shutdown in March. (Starts at 6:13)

-Misha was in Vancouver during filming of the finale.

-Mark P said at Darklight Con that the last scene he filmed was with Alex and Misha (and Mark P was only in episode 19).

-Misha implied that he was present for various filming moments, including Dean’s death (start at 35:15), and said that it felt like a “mini-reunion.”

-Various sources have mentioned that Jimmy Novak was supposed to be in the finale.

-After episode 18, Stands tweeted a fan who was angered and hurt by Cas's death that they could talk about the “bury the gays” issue after the finale aired.

-In episode 19 we know there were takes of the parking lot scene where the only thing fans observing could hear was Dean yelling “CAS” at Chuck (fuck I can’t find this one right now, but it’s definitely out there)

-Also in episode 19, we had a very strange, awkward montage at the end of the episode.

-In episode 20, we know there were a FUCKTON of missing scenes

-We also had no opening montage, but three other separate montages.

-Carry on My Wayward Son was played TWICE, back-to-back at the end of the episode.

-Episode 20 was shorter than normal and had surprisingly little dialogue. The pacing was VERY strange.

-The cast and crew has been almost completely silent about the finale since it came out. When they have spoken, it has been with an awkward excuse of “Uh...COVID?”

-Samantha Ferris has specifically noted that, despite the Harvelle’s being back in play and a big heaven reunion having been planned pre-COVID, neither she nor Chad Lindberg received any such invitation to return.

-Cas and Dean POP Funko figures were pictured together in a replica of Harvelle’s in 15x04.

NOW with all of this in mind (and I’m probably missing some stuff too because there is so much--feel free to add on to that list), please bear with me because here is what I think we were SUPPOSED to get POST-COVID (after it was determined that the reunion couldn’t happen because of the virus):

In episode 20, we start with our NORMAL OPENING MONTAGE, like always. It traces everything that happened during the season. We are reminded of Cas. The confession. Rowena. Eileen. Jack. Billie, God, the Empty, all of it.

Things then follow along in the episode where they did up until Dean dies and wakes up in heaven. After his conversation with Bobby, he drives off to find Cas (who, in the script, was listed as “Jimmy Novak” in order to protect against script leaks--who wouldn’t want to do their best to avoid spoilers about the finale with the wrapping of a fifteen-year show?). He does indeed find Cas. We get Dean’s end of the confession. Hell, maybe we even get a kiss. And then Dean sets up his new heaven home in the recreated Harvelle’s. Maybe Cas even fucking moves in.

Years pass. We get Sam having his life on Earth (still can’t explain why they cut Eileen and couldn’t even have Sam signing vaguely to the blurry brunette in the background; if anyone wants to take that on, go for it). Eventually, Cas tells Dean that it’s almost Sam’s time. Dean takes Baby and goes to meet Sam at the bridge. The cover of Carry on My Wayward Son plays during this much shorter sequence. End of episode.

But that’s not what we got. Instead, much of what I just wrote about was excised from the episode. The remnants were stitched together after shooting had been wrapped. Filler was added in the form of montages and long, unnecessary extra shots to get the episode to something approaching a reasonable length.

But why? Why would they spend all that time and money and quarantining on Misha, only to almost completely cut him out of the finale? I struggled with why the fuck the CW would want this mammoth show to go down as the greatest queerbait in TV history when they had the chance to do something truly beautiful and monumental with it? It couldn’t just be sheer homophobia, right? Well, I think that factored into it, my friends, but here is where my head is at right now.

It was about cold, hard cash.

Now I could be wrong, but this is what I’m thinking at the moment: Supernatural is going off of the air. Supernatural, the CW’s cash cow for fifteen years. Sure there is still money to be made on blu-rays and merchandise and cons...but they need people watching their shows. They need that sweet advertising revenue. And you know what show they have about to premiere? A show that could, potentially, bring with it a chunk of that SPN revenue?

Walker.

And if any of you know anything about the original Walker Texas Ranger, you know that the show was predominantly a show about a very heterosexual white man being very excessively heterosexual. And for SOME REASON over the years, many of the execs at the CW still seem to think that this show, Supernatural, is really attractive to a lot of middle-American white men...whom they desperately want to watch this new show with this guy from Supernatural that they already know.

Now here’s where COVID fucked us. I think Destiel was greenlit by TPTB, at least in SOME form, before COVID. But then the pandemic happened, and they panicked. They got the cut of the last two episodes and watched them in their original, probably queer form. And then, the execs at CW looked at the economy. They looked at their cash cow, about to make its journey to the great beyond. And they looked at this new little calf Walker that they were so desperately worried about. And they made a choice.

They decided that it would be too risky to take the step with Destiel. They were worried about frightening off their ever-so-valuable hetero male demographic with the possibility that a traditionally masculine man in his 40s could be in love with another man in an overt way. It was homophobia mixed with greed, spun up by fear for their revenues because of COVID.

So they called in Singer, possibly Dabb, although I wouldn’t be surprised if they went straight to Singer. They told them that Destiel had to go: executive orders. And the only way to make it go in a way that removed any trace of what had been there was to rewrite what happened to Cas and cut him out from the last two episodes entirely. It was too late to reshoot anything. They had to just cut and stitch and fill with bullshit montages.

They removed the scene at the end of 19, probably because Cas and Lucifer discussed Dean. All that was left of Misha there was his voice on that fake phone call. They may have cut other things too, but I would bet my life that they cut a scene from the end of the episode and replaced it with that very strange montage. Then they moved onto 20. They cut out every scene with Cas. And left in only two platonic mentions of him, neither made by Dean. They tried to imply that Cas might show up in Dean’s heaven at some point, but that was as far as the editors could go in the time they had. They filled in with montages, awkwardly long shots, anything they could do to fill all of those missing scenes.

And they even had to take the opening montage, because literally everything in it pointed to Cas being there at the end of it all. They wouldn’t be able to leave out his scenes, they were too critical to the season. They couldn’t cut his confession without raising eyebrows. So they cut the whole thing and moved “Carry On My Wayward Son” to one of the newly-added driving montages at the end. Which is why we awkwardly had both songs play back-to-back--again, such a strange choice unless they were out of options and couldn’t exactly buy rights to a new track or compose anything else.

And so we were left with the shadow of the finale that we deserved, that Cas and Dean deserved. We were left without resolution or happiness or words. Bobo told us the most important thing about happiness is just “saying it” and our characters were silenced without anyone ever knowing the truth.

I think the writers might have known and been given the new party line that “Misha never filmed, he couldn’t, sorry, it was COVID, no one’s fault!” But I don’t think most of the cast even knew it had happened until they watched the finale on Thursday with us (though they might have been confused why the bit from 15x19 was sliced, they could reasonably have assumed it was a time thing and also BL episodes don’t make sense anyway). Why do I say that?

Well, first of all, Misha started sending out a bunch of excited texts to fans with some old BTS pictures about an hour before the show started airing on EST. He also wanted his children to see the episode, his YOUNG children. Why would he show them such a traumatic episode if their Dad wasn’t in it? What if it was because he wanted them to witness what was going to be a monumental moment in queer television history that their DAD got to be a part of? And then that was all dashed.

Which is why I think the cast and crew went almost completely radio silent the next day. I don’t think they knew. And based on how they have been acting on social media since then, I think many of them are absolutely furious, but they have been silenced because of NDAs, because they want to find work again in a cutthroat industry, because they don’t want to bring down the hellfire of Warner Brothers Entertainment upon themselves. So the most we have gotten is a little acknowledgement from the MERCHANDISING COMPANY trying to validate our pain (god bless Shirts, she is a LIFESAVER) and a response to my salty tweet about keeping good stuff in the closet from Adam Williams (the VFX coordinator) that seemed to acknowledge the validity of my complaint.

Then there was a scramble behind the scenes, I would bet my life. Talking points were fed to the boys who had panels today, to CE, to all the cast and crew:

Toe the party line. Misha never filmed. This was always about COVID. Do not mention Destiel. Do not mention Dean’s feelings for Cas. Do not promote the Castiel Project or anything that validates the idea that this was anything less than a superb ending.

And that is why we have heard so little from the cast on this front, and what we have heard has been muddled and contradictory. That is why the writers are saying nothing. That is why we have been left adrift.

Now before I close this out, I do want to say that I really, genuinely do not think this was on the writers at all. I feel like they tried to give us the best ending that they could, in a writers room that we know is notorious for splitting along party lines about the overall story (BL and Singer, who have always been about the brothers and their man-pain vs. Dabb and the rest who always seemed to want more for them and for Cas). I think they did everything in their power to at least end with Dean and Cas happy together. If they could give us nothing else, they wanted to give us that. And then the network took it from them. From us. From everyone.

For the sake of fucking money.

And the WORST PART OF IT ALL, for me, is that in the wake of this disaster, the fans have been left to try and figure out what happened. We have had to wade through a mire of conflicting information in the midst of all of our collective anger and grief over this garbage ending of a show many of us have loved and even relied on for YEARS, all the while wondering if we’re just fucking crazy, if we have all fallen collectively into the hole of conspiracy theories. That hurts ESPECIALLY badly because we have taken so many hits over the years from other groups on social media saying we were crazy for seeing things that weren’t there (especially Destiel), for writing meta and analyzing tropes and believing the evidence of our eyes and ears. The network has made us relive that entire nightmare WHILE processing our grief for a show we wanted so badly to celebrate and which instead we now have to mourn.

So again guys, I cannot prove that this is exactly what happened at all; this is simply my idea of what may have happened. But right now, it’s the most sense I can make from this mess, and to be honest, the act of typing it out has helped me enormously in my processing of it all. I feel like I can see more clearly, like I know where to target my outrage and where to direct empathy. I feel like just fucking maybe, I might be able to do my job tomorrow without bursting into tears at random moments.

I really hope that this post has helped some of you to, in some small way, process this too. We get through this the way that Misha told us at his panel this morning, the way the writers have told us to do all season long...we throw out the story God gave us and we make it better. We write our characters the happy endings they deserve.

We save them.

One last thing--if you have not already, please consider channeling your rage into a donation to one of the five causes our fandom has put together to pay tribute to our beloved show and to mourn the ending it should have had:

-The Castiel Project

-Dean Winchester is Love

-Sam Winchester Project

-The National Association of the Deaf

-The Jack Kline Project

#supernatural season 15 #spn finale #speculation #destiel #destielgate #the ending was not the ending #fuck the cw #trust the story #we were robbed

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fangirlxwritesx67 · 3 years ago

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Just As You Are

Just As You Are 2300 words, a Sam X Rowena Halloween love story in the Celebrations AU

Christmas Tea (3000 words) NYE Bubbly (1500 words) Valentine’s Day Chocolate (2100 words) Happy Birthday Sam (2000 words) Samhain (3600 words) Special Occasion (2750 words) Rowena plans a Halloween celebration for Sam, showing him different costumes she thinks he might enjoy. He lets her know what he likes best.

Sam didn’t like Halloween. But he did like Rowena, quite a lot, so when she asked him to come over on the holiday, he only hesitated for a moment.

“Please?” she asked, fluttering her lashes over her green cat eyes in the way he always found irresistible. “I’ll have a surprise for you.”

“Oh?” he responded with a quizzical look, but she just shook her head and pursed her lips before smiling, just a little.

“All right, fine. For you.” Then he claimed the kiss she was offering as a reward for him agreeing to her little plan-- whatever it was.

Afterwards, Sam couldn’t help but recall the Halloween before . He savored the memory -- the night and day he had spent with Rowena -- sheer black lingerie, a spell, and truly magical sex.

In fact, they had spent many delightful holidays together the last couple of years -- Christmas, New Years Eve, birthdays. Most of them involved Rowena wearing various lovely things, from gowns to bits of lace. Then there was the time he was the one wearing the lace.

Good memories, all of them. They never quite erased the bad ones from Halloweens past, but he was ready to make some more new ones.

*** On the morning of Halloween, he had a sudden thought, and texted Rowena.

Is this a costumed event? Not that he had any idea what he would do if it was, but he should probably make the effort

No, my dear. Come just as you are.

*** Rowena met him at the door, wearing a floor-length black dress with long sleeves and a plunging neckline. The fabric was something that draped heavy over her body, clinging to every curve. She was gorgeous, of course, but it looked very much like what she often wore.

“I must admit,” he murmured, as he swept her up in his arms and kissed her, “I was expecting you to look more... themed.”

“Oh.” She giggled, wrapping her arms around his neck, “This is my witch costume. Don’t you like it?”

“I do. I like it very much.” He kissed her again, along her jawline and down towards the rise of her breasts, eager to show her just how much he liked every single thing about her.

“Wait.” Rowena pulled away after several minutes that they both thoroughly enjoyed.

“Isn’t this what you want?”

“No. Well, I mean, yes. Just-- I have some things planned first.” She turned and gestured to the table in her kitchen. Sam peered over her to see that it was set for two. Black candles in every shape and size covered one end, amidst a bank of pumpkins: orange, white, and a smoke blue-grey.

He followed and pulled out her chair so she could sit down with a sweep of her skirt. As he seated himself across from her, he reached across the table and took her hand. She smiled at him so sweetly, skin aglow in the candle light. He couldn’t help it, he lifted her fingers to his lips, and she laughed out loud.

“Dinner first, my dove.”

There were bread bowls with soup, which Sam knew she must’ve ordered, because Rowena didn’t cook soup, much less bake bread. There was also a tray of cheese and olives and herbs, which was picture perfect and definitely not made by her, but delicious. She poured glasses of crisp seasonal cider.

The two of them ate and drank, and as they did, talked and laughed and flirted. It was easy, in the candlelight, comfortable and close, with an underlying ripple of anticipation. When the two of them were full, Sam pushed back his chair with an exaggerated stretch.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for what’s next.”

“Next?” Rowena widened her eyes in mock-innocence, but he knew her too well to fall for that. He just fixed her with a look and waited until her lips quirked up, dimples popping in her cheeks.

She stood, holding out a hand, and he laced his fingers in with hers as she led him into the living room. There were similar candle-pumpkin arrangements there, one bough of orange-red leaves in a vase, and a few tiny boxes of what looked like expensive chocolate. In fact, it probably was expensive chocolate, knowing Rowena’s fondness for the stuff.

She gestured towards the couch and he took a seat amongst Rowena’s many throw pillows. He allowed himself to lean back, let his knees fall open, relaxed. He felt safe there, at home, with his lady love. That very couch had been the site of more than one fantastic evening together. He was eager to see what she had in store.

“So,” Rowena began, clasping her hands together in an almost girlish show of delight. “I thought tonight we might have a little fun with magic. No--” Seeing the look on Sam’s face, she hurried to explain. “Not like last year. That was a ritual. This is more of … a game.”

“A game.”’ Sam’s mouth turned down at the corners in confusion.

“Oh stop, you look like a sturgeon.” She laughed, then pulled herself together. “I thought I’d try on a few outfits, see what you like, what you think is sexy.”

She rested a hand on one hip and flirted hard, batting her lashes and pursing her lips. As Sam watched, her dress transformed in a shower of black sparks.

Rowena was then wearing a black pencil skirt, a white blouse that plunged low over her breasts, and a pair of black framed glasses. Her hair was on top of her head in a curly pile. She leaned forward with a finger on her lips and said “Shhhhh” until Sam tugged her close and silenced her with a kiss. When she pulled away, he let go reluctantly.

“So you like the librarian. But I have more ideas, so many more.” Rowena planted both hands on her hips this time and the sparkles fell away to reveal her in a plaid shirt. Not one of his plaid shirts, as much as he liked that-- this plaid shirt fit, showing off her shape even under the layers. Her hair hung in a thick braid over her shoulder. Jeans and boots completed the outfit.

“Oh, you’re a hunter.” He chuckled. “Turn around, let me see that ass in blue jeans.”

She obliged him, turning slowly with swaying hips. Sam hummed, low in his throat.

“You enjoy that view, hmm?” she teased once she had come around full circle to face him again.

“I do,” Sam said, low and earnest.

The sparks burst again, and Rowena appeared in a little white dress with a cap on her head-- No. Sam shook his head, lips tight and his shoulders drawn up.

Before he could speak, she had changed into what he recognized as a French Maid costume, but somehow more elegant than usual. The short black dress was made of something soft, almost sheer, and showed off the length of Rowena's shapely legs in a garter belt and stockings.

She had a feather duster, because of course she did, and when she flicked it at him playfully, he caught hold of her arm and pressed a kiss to the inside of her wrist. The sound that tumbled from her lips was part gasp and part moan, and just like that things were right between them.

Rowena cycled quickly through several more costumes -- a gown like Sam imagined would be at a Renaissance fair, and something that looked Arthurian, and a few things even he didn't recognize. She was beautiful in every one, and he could've enjoyed many hours with her in any of them. But none of them was drawing the reaction she was apparently expecting.

At last, Rowena threw her arms up in the air, fingers pointed just so, and called out a single command. When she brought her arms down, she was cloaked in creamy light, black letters sparkling over her skirts like pages of a book. Ribbons of purple spell work wound around her slowly.

Sam's eyes widened, taken aback. "And this is?"

"Why Samuel, your very favorite thing in the world -- The Lore." She let the word roll off her tongue as she gestured over her body at the magic that surrounded her.

Sam smirked, shook his head, and held out his hands. She went to him as he spoke.

"The Lore. An excellent costume, even if I do get the sense I'm being mocked. But if you think that is my favorite thing in the world, you are sadly mistaken."

He wrapped her in his arms, feeling cloth like vellum under his touch, as he pulled her up onto his lap to punctuate his words with a kiss. And then another kiss.

Many many more kisses followed until Rowena leaned back to look him in the eye, arms clasped around his neck. "But which one is your favorite? Which way do you like me best?"

"Why, just you, as yourself, will always be my favorite." Sam circled her waist with his arms. "You with all your black and jewel colored gowns, all your sparkly jewelry, the little lacey things." A hunters' vocabulary didn't really cover those details.

"Sometimes I still think of you the way I saw you for the very first time."

Rowena narrowed her eyes and thought for a moment. Then she got to her feet as the light enfolding her faded and she was in a long black gown not unlike the one she had been wearing earlier. Her hair fell in soft waves over her shoulders.

"Oh. Raul's Girls, right?"

"Yeah." The word came out husky. He swallowed hard, then reached for the glittering clasp on her left hip. "I remember wondering what your tiny little waist would feel like in my hands. Then I remembered that you were evil."

Rowena threw back her head and laughed, showing off her delicate collarbones and the elegant line of her neck. Sam spanned her waist in his hands, traced her hips, and cupped her ass.

She rested her palms on his muscular forearms as she stood, poised in his grasp. One thumb rubbed the smoother skin over his veins at his wrist.

"Remember the box the Codex was in? The spell that took legacy blood? That was the first time I realized how dangerous you were, not just a hunter but a Man of Letters, and gifted in magic." Her eyes searched his, remembering all the years they spent as enemies.

"I remember how you leaned over my shoulder." His voice was easy, his eyes gentle. "Your curves were surprisingly soft for such a little thing, and you smelled like spices and wine."

"To be honest, I just wanted to get my hands on the Codex," she said with a rueful giggle. "But I was quite pleased once I got my hands on you."

Sam drew her in close, hands skimming her body, holding her, claiming her. “You still smell exactly the same,” he murmured against her pulse point before his lips closed there in a searing kiss.

Rowena’s mouth dropped open and a soft whimper escaped her lips. She leaned into him, wanting more.

“Can we take this to bed?” Sam asked. Not that they had never enjoyed a good time on the couch, but he had more in mind.

She nodded.

He stood up, lifting her with him. The black skirts of her dress fell over his arms and sparks trailed behind him as he carried her to her room. There were more candles there -- goddess, how many candles did this woman have? -- and he lit them all with one whispered spell. Rowena rewarded him with a smile.

With one sweep of his arm, he took off the chocolate brown duvet and the pile of red and cream decorative pillows to lay Rowena back against the rust colored sheets. So she had dressed the bed in autumn colors too, he realized -- her colors.

“You--” He tried and failed to find the words as he sank down next to her.

“Aye,” was all she said, and with one more flick of her fingers, she was wearing nothing but dark red lacy lingerie, her red curls spilling against the pillow and over her pale breasts.

“Oh, I remember this color,” he murmured as he rose up over her. “From our first time, right?"

“Mmmm, yes," she answered, raising her hips to his.

It was familiar and yet it never grew old, the way Rowena’s body took him in, the way she held him close. Joined together in this space, they left behind everything but need and satisfaction and the rhythm of their beating hearts and bodies moving together.

Sam waited for Rowena to cry out in pleasure, to clamp down around him, to be breathless and begging, before he finally let go. The two of them clung to one another for a long time, pulses racing, at once both vulnerable and triumphant.

When he finally rolled onto his back, he pulled her with him, one arm holding her close. She nuzzled into the curve of his neck, rested her cheek on his huffy chest.

“All those costumes, and this is what you choose?” Her words were teasing but her tone was soft, open.

“I choose you, Rowena,” Sam answered. “Everything you wear is beautiful because it's you. But this, the two of us together...” He let his words trail off, afraid to say any more.

“It’s for you, just for you.” She rolled on top of him as she spoke, cupping his cheek with one hand. His hands spanned her waist and ass and hips all at once, holding her close. Her hair tumbled in a curtain around them as she looked deep into his eyes.

“And I love you, just as you are.” If he had planned to say anything else, it was lost in the kisses that followed.

*** Thanks @cracksinthewalls for several costume ideas most notably The Lore, and @mskathywriteswords for my preread.

SPN First Last and Always: @boondoctorwho @dawnie1988 @deanwanddamons @defenderrosetyler @divadinag @emoryhemsworth @fookinghelljensensthighs @idreamofplaid @kalesrebellion @kickingitwithkirk @maddiepants @magssteenkamp @onethirstyunicorn @there-must-be-a-lock @thinkinghardhardlythinking @tloveswriting Sam Girl For Life: @awesomesusiebstuff @lilsylvia @sammit-janet @lovealways-j Rowena My Queen: @delightfullykrispypeach @lilsylvia @pansexualdarling @songofthecagedmoose

#spn halloween #sam x rowena #the lore #celebrations #samwena

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sarah-dipitous · 2 years ago

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Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 207

King of the Damned

Truly, I could not have planned this weekend of HNT better. We’ve got David Tenant back tomorrow AND Metatron trying to convince an angel to help him fix heaven in TWO series…on GO2 release weekend

“King of the Damned”

Plot Description: Castiel captures one of Metatron’s angels and asks Sam and Dean for help. Meanwhile, Abaddon demands that Crowley help her kill Sam and Dean

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: as far as I know, I have no connection to anyone Abaddon personally wants dead, so I might be alright. That said, if she decided to kill me, she’s more than welcome to

Oh…these are all angels, and…this one’s being STUPIDLY braggy

Right? Like, don’t go around bragging about how you’re the right hand man for Metatron. Most angels don’t like him

I’m tired of Cas being forced into leadership roles. He fucks it up every time, but angels can’t help but want to follow him.

Cas showing affection still makes my heart melt. Omg. Please. Saying another angel can “be a little stuffy.”

I’m never going to be 100% comfortable with the interrogation (*coughtorturecough*) scenes, but now that the Mark of Cain is amplifying Dean’s actions, I’m even less comfortable with them

CROWLEY’S IN CLEVELAND?!?! …that’s not a real hotel here. (So after some research, looks like it’s modeled after a hotel that used to be here? Or is under a different name here and is super haunted apparently?? Because I needed to make sure before I posted this)

“Nobody in the history of torture has been tortured with the torture you’ll be tortured with” real dialogue from Crowley

Oh…that guy from the first five minutes was Crowley’s son. Ooooo, ok. I take it back. Abaddon can have a scene where she’s doing the torturing, as a treat

Omg. Forget playing whatever music for a Victorian orphan. Just be the king of hell, have your son from 200-some years ago get brought to 2015 or some shit and tell him you traded your soul for three extra inches of dick. It’s even better

Ok…I THOUGHT they left him fine…good to have that confirmation (I’ve been drinking wine so it…was a possibility i missed something)

Oh!! We get (possibly) our first mention of Rowena, Crowley’s mom!!

WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SHIP, CROWLEY??

The way Cas sees some of himself in Gadreel is kinda cool

Uh oh boyyyyyyys, you got a hellhound on your tail?? Omg the way Crowley effortlessly controls it, but like…why was it there in the first place?

Idk I think Sam should take the blade. Like the few moments a different Sam had the One Ring. What if we get a “I can’t carry it but I can carry you” moment for these two??

Wait. Is Crowley’s son’s name actually Kevin? That makes all his torture of Kevin Tran even more SO SICK AND TWISTEEEEEEED. SICK AND TWISTED.

Also, who’s gonna tell this guy he’s already IN and actually PAST “the colonies”

Oh hell yeah!! I love that Abaddon pulled the “devils trap bullet” trick on Crowley while waiting for the Winchesters (I will be so sad to see her go and for however the boys take her out…)

I may not go downtown a whole lot but this…does not look like Cleveland

…but the power of the One Ring First Blade cannot be denied

Please tell me he’s—he’s gonna Jedi mind trick the Blade into his hand.

Please don’t show her too much…I know the First Blade is corrupting Dean but he didn’t need to stab her that much. So thankfully they didn’t linger on the wounds. RIP Abaddon 😭😭😭 you will be sorely missed by me

GAVIN MAKES WAY MORE SENSE FOR AN OLDE TIMEY NAME!!!! But it did sound a LOT like Kevin

Jesus, Deeeeeean. You’re allowed to go it alone but Sam always needs your help and intervention?? The way you’re saying this like y’all could afford to NOT close the gates of hell…I’m usually a Dean apologist, but Sam is in the right here.

Well, now you’re just being an ass by not allowing the blade out of your sight…

#hellsite nostalgia tour 2023 #contains spoilers for good omens 2 in the first paragraph #this also got long because I had some wine

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apocalypseornaw · 4 years ago

Text

Keep Me From You

For the square "Temporary amnesia" on @girl-next-door-writes make me feel bingo

Warnings: mention of injury,cursing

Word Count: 10,201

Smidge of angst but lots of fluff

“Dean I’m fine. A few scratches but I’ll be home soon and you’re more than welcome to play nurse” You’d left a few days before to help Claire out on a hunt and had called him to say you were only about an hour out from Lebanon. “So you want me to wear the uniform and all?” he teased and heard you laugh. That was a sound that he’d always loved. “Of course I want the uniform, why would you even ask?” A smile slipped onto his face as hearing just how truly happy you sounded to be coming home to him. He’d never imagined getting this. Someone who really did love him and not only understood the life but lived it as well. “I’ll see you soon sweetheart” “Better be waiting for me at the door….” Your sentence was cut short by the sound of tires squealing then a hard hit.

Dean knew a wreck when he heard one and his heart fell to his feet “Y/N!” when you didn’t reply he screamed your name again which brought Sam running into the room. “What’s wrong?” Dean was already on his feet grabbing the keys to the impala “Y/N’s been in a wreck. We gotta get to her”

By the time Dean and Sam rolled on scene a passerby had called 911. Multiple cop cars, a couple ambulances and even a fire truck had the night lit brightly. Dean barely stopped the car from rolling before he was jumping out. Your car was on it’s side, the driver door crumpled in. “Y/N!” before he could get close Sam grabbed him along with three of the firemen on scene “Sir! We already got her out! She’s in the ambulance!”

Dean looked to see the ambulance in question pulling away “Is she alive?” The firemen nodded solemnly “She’s in critical condition but she’s alive” Sam pulled him back towards the impala “C’mon we’ll beat them to the hospital. We know her Dean she’s strong” Sam nodded to the firemen that he had Dean so they headed to finish cleaning up the scene. Dean looked at your car once more before following Sam “If the other driver isn’t in bad shape..I’ll kill em”

------

Sam took the lead to speak with the doctors because by the time they got to the hospital he didn’t really trust Dean to not throw a punch. “Mr Evanson..your sister in law is in critical condition as you were told at the scene. She was hit by a drunk driver that ran a red light. She’s got multiple contusions, a fractured skull and a dislocated shoulder” the fake names had you as Dean’s wife should something like this happen and Eileen as Sam’s. Helped to have insurance and provided a cover story so all of you could get updates on each other should injuries ever occur severe enough to warrant a hospital trip.

Before Sam could open his mouth to ask any questions further about your condition Dean spoke up “Let me guess the bastard that hit her is just fine right?” Sam couldn’t really blame Dean. You were one of his best friends and knowing you made it out of a hunt just fine to turn around and get hurt this severely by an idiot who drank too much and chose to get behind the wheel was more than upsetting. “Mr Evanson I know you’re upset but I assure you we’re doing everything for your wife we can” Sam could tell Dean was doing what he did best which was to lean into anger more than any other emotion so before he could fire off threats to a doctor or worse Sam grabbed his arm then looked back at the doctor “When can we see her?” “As soon as she’s settled into the room I’ll send a nurse out to get both of you”

The moment the doctor stepped away Dean spun around and hit the wall hard enough his fist left a hole in the plaster. “She was talking to me Sam. What if I distracted her? What if she would’ve seen him sooner if she hadn’t been on the phone?” “Dean, don't do that to yourself. This isn’t your fault” It shocked Sam more than anything to see Dean wasn’t trying to hide the tears in his eyes when he faced him “I can’t lose her Sammy” “You won’t. I’m gonna call Eileen and Jody to let them know. She’ll be ok. Let the doctors do what they can then if need be we’ll find other means to help her. She’s strong, she’s a fighter and honestly I think it would take a lot more than a wreck to keep her from your side” “Let’s hope you’re right”

------

A little over an hour passed with Sam and Dean pacing across the waiting room. The other inhabitants of it and staff alike were giving both men a wide berth, Dean even moreso. The air around him was thick with the mixture of anger at you being in this shape and fear at the possibility of losing you.

When a nurse finally walked in and asked “Mr Evanson and brother?” Dean snatched his head up “Over here” she smiled warmly at him “Your wife is out of surgery and stable. Would you and your brother like to see her?” “Please” Dean managed trying to remember it wasn’t this woman’s fault you were hurt.

------

The walk to your room felt longer than anything Dean had even endured. When he walked in to see your still form he could feel his hands ball into fists. You were the single most important person on the face of the earth to him besides Sam. Your head was bandaged, your left shoulder was in a sling and both arms had gauze nearly covering every surface. “When’s she gonna wake up?” Sam asked knowing Dean needed an answer but also knowing his brother wouldn’t be very good at communicating at the moment.

“That’s a tricky question. It’s really up to her. She’s in stable condition, there’s no bleeding on her brain. Now it’s just up to her body” “Thank you. Can we stay with her a while?” “You both can stay an hour but only one can stay overnight” “Thank you” the nurse walked away and Sam turned back to see Dean was motionless at the foot of your bed.

“Dean?” Sam called jarring him out of his thoughts. “She’s a hunter. I’ve seen her hurt and I’ve known that there was always a possibility of something happening to one of us but she was fine, she was headed home and laughing” Dean had walked up next to your bed and left his fingers barely brush against the leather bracelet tied around your wrist. It was a gris-gris gifted to you by a witch in New Orleans three years before, just a couple months before you and Dean had gotten together actually.

You’d helped her out and it was supposed to protect you from evil. You hadn’t taken it off since citing that it was a lucky charm too considering you hadn’t gotten seriously injured on a hunt in quite a while. Turned out it only worked on supernatural beings not human actions. “She’s gonna be ok Dean” Sam repeated as Dean gently took your hand in both of his and sat down in the chair next to the bed before looking up at his little brother “How can you be so sure?” “I’ve seen her fight and I’ve seen how much she loves you. She’s not leaving us like this”

------

The two of them stayed like that for the next hour barely talking, simply watching you breathe. When the hour passed Sam headed back to the bunker while Dean stayed rooted in the chair holding your hand. “Remember when we first met? God I thought you hated me because of my dad..he had a habit of turning people into enemies. I’ve never seen Bobby laugh as hard as talking about the time you backed dad down on a hunt by calling him a washed out jarhead that didn’t know a vampire from a rugaru. Baby you’ve survived so much..you’re stronger than anyone I know” he didn’t even realize he was crying before the droplet hit your hand.

“Please come back to me. I don’t want to do this without you. I love you” he nearly whispered the last part willing you to hear him and open your eyes.

------

For three days Dean sat at your side. Sam would bring food and clothes. Eileen had of course headed back to Lebanon when she heard what happened and Jody along with all the girls had been in near constant contact. You had so many people behind you but the horrifying reality was it didn’t matter how much backup you had this time. This fight was a solo one.

The nurses and doctors assured him that you were healing. Your body was simply mending itself and keeping you asleep to save energy to do so. He didn’t care about anything they said he needed you awake to see for himself that you were ok.

It was during visitor hours so Eileen was sitting across the room flipping through a magazine while Sam had gone after coffee. The hardest thing for any of them was simply being forced to sit around and wait to see if you’d wake up on your own. Of course Rowena was digging around to see about some spells to help speed up healing but those were a bit fragile and out of her usual wheelhouse which was to cause damage to someone instead of healing them.

“Dean they were out of sugar so I had to put artificial sweetener in yours” Sam spoke from the doorway as he walked into the room. Dean shrugged “I don’t care” Sam shared a look with Eileen when he handed her coffee over. She signed “I’m worried about him” so Sam nodded and mouthed “Me too” before walking over to hold Dean’s coffee out to him.

Dean took it then looked back at the bed “Why isn’t she awake yet Sammy?” “Head injuries take a little more to heal Dean” Sam offered but knew it was of little solace. All of them wanted nothing more than for you to wake up. Sam walked back over to stand next to Eileen but a movement of your hand had all of them on their feet and next to the bed “Y/N?” Dean spoke first and when you opened your eyes they all shared a sigh of relief “Thank god baby” Dean breathed moving to press a kiss to your lips but you snatched your head away “Dean, what the hell?”

------

Your head felt like it’d been run over by a truck. You felt like you were drunk and there wasn’t a body part that didn’t hurt. When you finally forced your eyes open you realized you were in a hospital room. Sam, Dean and Eileen was next to your bed meaning you must have gotten hurt on a hunt but you couldn’t remember how.

“Thank god baby” baby? Did Dean just call you baby? Before you could ask he leaned forward as if to kiss you so you snatched your head away not missing the look on his face as you said “Dean, what the hell?”

“Y/N? What's the last thing you remember?” Eileen asked stepping closer to the bed while Dean backed away obviously hurt but you weren’t sure why he’d called you baby or tried to kiss you. You were friends yeah but he’d never acted like he had those feelings for you. You realized your head hurt even worse when you tried to think of why he would be hurt but a memory finally came to you of you and Eileen working a shifter case in Austin. “The shifter?” you asked hesitantly and saw her eyes widened.

“Eileen? What’s wrong?” you asked grimacing when you tried to sit up further only to realize your left arm was in a sling. Sam moved to help you and you noticed Dean looking rather lost standing off to the side of the room. She looked over at him sympathetically before finally saying “Y/N that case was over three years ago”

------

Three years? You’d lost three years worth of memories. Dean had slipped out the room after alerting the Doctor Rhodes you were awake and once Eileen assured Sam she’d stay at your side he went after his brother. You were only half listening to the doctors as they gave a run down of the wreck you’d been in and the injuries you’d received. “Well if you’re saying my brain is fine why the hell do I have a three year gap in my memory?” you knew you were being a bit blunt but given the circumstances you felt it was warranted.

“Mrs Evanson this is common in an injury like yours” the nurse nearest you spoke so you cut your eyes at Eileen silently questioning the name they’d called you. She smiled and touched Doctor Rhodes on the shoulder. When he turned to look at her she motioned to you “Can I have a few moments alone with her before you take her for tests?” he looked back at you then nodded. After he and the nurses finally exited your room giving a warning that transport would be there in twenty to take you down for a cat scan Eileen came over and sat gently on the side of your bed facing you “Ask” You looked around the room eyes settling on Dean’s jacket that he’d left draped over the back of one of the chairs “What have I missed?” she followed your line of sight over her shoulder then smiled sadly before looking back at you “The shifter case was only a month before you and Dean got together” “We’ve been together three years?” you asked making sure you were facing her fully as you spoke. “Yeah. For the insurance he’s listed as your husband and Sam’s listed as mine since me and him have been together two and a half years”

You felt tears sting your eyes as the realization of why Dean had looked so hurt when you pulled away from him hit you at once “Why don’t I remember? God he must hate me” She covered your right hand with hers lacing your fingers together and the familiarity of that small action bought a smile to your face as she leaned down to look you in the eye before saying “Believe me when I say there is nothing on earth you could do to make that man hate you sweetie. Now I’ll be here when they get you back from the tests but I’m gonna go find him and Sam in the meantime ok?” you nodded not trusting your voice at the moment so she kissed your forehead then nodded to the nurse that had just just stepped into the door before walking out.

------

Eileen found Sam and Dean outside in the parking lot. They were leaned against the side of the impala staring at the entrance of the hospital. When they saw her they both pushed off the car Sam getting to her side first while Dean was a little slower to approach “How is she?” Sam asked and Eileen shrugged “She found out she’s missing three years. How would you be?” Then her eyes drifted over to Dean “She’s afraid you’re gonna hate her because she doesn’t remember being with you” “I could never hate her especially for something that’s not her fault” he quickly replied and she nodded “That’s what I told her but I think you need to be in the room too when she gets back from having her scans done”

------

You were in short terrified. The scans showed that your skull was healing quite well actually and as far as structural wise your brain was in good shape and according to Doctor Rhodes your memory loss was more than likely temporary. The bad news? In cases like yours those memories could return in a matter of weeks or a matter of years. There was no way to estimate the amount of time it would take from one person to the next.

“When can I go home?” you asked adding in your head the fact that you weren’t exactly sure where home was these days. “In a couple days at this rate and I’d say within two to four weeks you can return to normal life” There was a knock on the door and one of the nurses peeked her head in “Her husband, brother in law and sister in law want to come in” Doctor Rhodes looked back at you so you nodded with a small smile “Do you remind going back over what you’ve told me?”

“Of course” he nodded to the nurse so she stepped back out and a moment later Eileen walked in trailed by Sam then finally Dean “Mr Evanson your wife asked me to go over the findings from her test with the three of you” you barely met Dean’s eyes while he listened to Doctor Rhodes despite the fact that his gaze never left your face. When the doctor mentioned you’d be going home in a couple days if you stayed healing at this rate Dean shared a look with Eileen that you didn’t miss before the three of them thanked the doctor then he excused himself.

“So turns out I was right Dean, you do have the harder head” you tried to tease but heard your voice fall flat at the end. You wanted nothing more to remember the last three years of your life. The three people standing in front of you meant the most to you yet you could only remember so much and apparently now shared your life with one of them but couldn’t so much as remember ever sharing a kiss with him.

“Y/N..Eileen told me what you said” Dean spoke, stepping closer to the bed. He tapped the bed close to your leg but didn’t touch you “Sweetheart there’s nothing that could make me hate you. I was on the phone with you when the wreck happened. I’ve never been more afraid in my life and just seeing you awake? That’s a win for me” “I want to remember if that helps any Dean.I wish I did because it seems we’re happy” “I’d like to think we are” he replied with a small smile. You moved your leg closer to his hand so he took the hint to gently touch you near your ankle.

“While we’re all here talking..can someone tell me where is home for me?” you asked embarrassed over not being able to remember such a small detail “Um you live at the bunker” Sam answered cutting his eyes at Dean who nodded “You’ve been living there for about two years full time” “Oh then I guess we’re really serious then huh?” your voice was low enough you weren’t exactly sure Dean had heard you until he said “Yeah” meeting your eyes for a second before clearing his throat “Um visitation is over in an hour. I was gonna stay but if that’s weird for you I’m sure Eileen or Sam would”

“Of course” they both spoke over each other then shared a small smile. Your heart ached seeing the look on Dean’s face at the two of them so in sync while you didn’t remember him. “Maybe Eileen could stay? She can help fill in some blanks since I remember hunting with her last?” you offered and Dean nodded “Of course sweet..Y/N” you noticed how he stopped himself from calling you sweetheart. Christ you’d been friends with Dean for so long. He was the best man you’d ever known but you also knew he had the self worth of a grape and you could only imagine what this was doing to him. “Thank you Dean” you whispered and he smiled slightly “Of course”

------

Dean didn’t really talk much before him and Sam left for the night but he did ask if you wanted him to bring you a change of clothes since the nurse said you could shower with assistance the next morning. “Please” you told him and with a sharp nod he was out of the room. Sam left a quick kiss on Eileen’s lips then one on your forehead before quickly following after him.

You watched the door where they’d disappeared for several seconds before Eileen touched your arm gently and you jumped which pulled a small smile to her face “Are you ok?” she asked so you nodded then turned your head to look at her fully “I was in love with him wasn’t I?” she slowly nodded. You let out a breath then leaned your head back against the pillows before asking “How did that shifter case turn out anyways?” she laughed then went into the story talking and signing what had happened trying to catch you up to speed without overwhelming you.

------

Sam found Dean sitting in the library at one of the long tables around three in the morning. There was a bottle of bourbon in front of him and a glass with a piece of ice watering down what of the brown liquid was in it. “Couldn’t sleep?” he asked, pulling the chair out across from Dean after grabbing himself a glass. Dean cut his eyes up at him “Would you be able to if it was Eileen?” “No” Sam wasn’t even going to attempt to lie, Dean knew him too well. “I don’t want to put any stress on her because she doesn’t remember”

“You’re not. She knows now that you’re not mad that she doesn’t remember. Give Eileen a little time to ease her into the last few years besides Doctor Rhodes said her memory could be fully back within a couple weeks” “Or a couple years” Dean interrupted which earned him a glare from Sam “If you’ve ever had faith in anything..have faith in Y/N” “What if this is nature’s way of a course correction? She deserves better than me and maybe this is the universe trying to say that”

Sam reached over and pulled the glass out of Dean’s grip then moved the bottle for good measure before saying “The only thing this says is that assholes shouldn’t drink and drive. She’s coming home in a couple days Dean and the familiar setting may help her memory..Rowena is getting there with the spells especially now that she knows to tweak it to memory wise. We’re gonna get her memory back Dean..we will” “I hope you’re right Sam, I really do”

------

Today was a big step in the right direction. You were finally checking out the hospital to head home. Eileen had mentioned Cas would be at the bunker when you got there so that meant at least for your physical wounds you could get healed, who knows maybe angel mojo would effect your memory as well? Not likely but it didn’t hurt to hope did it?

When the nurse knocked on the door she smiled to see you were tying your sneakers onto your feet. Eileen had stayed in the room with you while Dean went to pull the impala around to the exit you’d be coming out of. “Must I ride in the wheelchair? I mean I think I’m capable of walking” you asked and she grimaced “Sorry Mrs Evanson it’s hospital policy” Eileen winked at you then teased “Besides you get to ride in style out” riding in style was the collection of get well soon items that had found their way to your room from your friends. The one you liked the best was the little stuffed wolves that Garth and Bess had sent by Donna. The nurses didn’t quite understand the significance of them but you’d seen even a small smile work it’s way onto Dean’s face. Over the next few days though it was only supposed to be the four of you at the bunker well plus Cas. You weren’t being anti-social but you could also only bare so much guilt at a time from not remembering certain things.

Eileen bumped your arm and when you glanced her way she signed “Stop it” “You don’t read minds” you replied and she winked “No but you I can read” you sighed and climbed into the wheelchair while Eileen grabbed the bag carrying your presents. Sam was back at the bunker apparently switching your belongings to a different room. Eileen had let it slip that he offered to do it so Dean wouldn’t have to.

“Take me away” you told the nurse who smiled “I can say you have remained in good spirits the entire time you’ve been here and that bodes quite well for your recovery” you shrugged your good shoulder as she pushed you out the door “I can wallow or deal. I always work better by gritting my teeth and doing what I gotta do regardless”

------

The sun was bright in the sky when you finally were wheeled out of the exit. When Dean saw the three of you he quickly came around to open the passenger door and moved to help you but stopped just sigh of touching you then looked at your face for the ok. When you reached for his hand his whole body seemed to relax slightly “Mrs Evanson you have a follow up for a scan in three weeks but if any new symptoms occur such as headaches, blurry vision, dizziness feel free to come in before and if any pain outside the expected occurs feel free to come back in”

“She will” Dean and Eileen answered in unison so you shot the nurse a smile “I have a lot of people looking after me. I’ll be fine”

After you were in the passenger seat the nurse waved then headed back inside. Eileen climbed in the backseat behind you and reached up to pat your shoulder reassuringly while Dean walked around to climb in the driver’s seat. “Ready to go?” he asked and you nodded “Let’s get home”

------

You vaguely remembered the internal set up of the bunker. You’d been there a time or two and even stayed the night once but as far as knowing it as well as you should considering how long you’d apparently been calling the bat cave home? You were far from it.

Eileen headed down the stairs first followed by Dean then you walking slowly down. Everything in the map room was pretty much how you remembered it including the angel sitting at the table talking to Sam who smiled when he saw the three of you “Y/N” you pulled him into a hug as best as you could “You’re a sight for sore eyes there Cas” he ducked his head and started to explain “I couldn’t exactly come to the hospital to heal you” “I understand Cas. Just saying it’s good to see you” he nodded then looked to your left arm “Can I?” “Please” you replied with an excited smile.

Cas had healed you before but it was always a bit surreal. He laid his hand palm down on your forehead and you felt the warmth spread throughout your body. You closed your eyes and felt your shoulder stitch itself back and the tender spot in your head from the fractured skull fade to a dull ache then disappeared all together.

When you opened your eyes everyone in the room was staring at you expectantly. You tried to force memories of being with Dean into your mind but they refused to come. You shook your head sadly “Healed me physically” “I’m sorry Y/N. Memory is something different than physical injuries” Cas apologized but you shook your head “No Cas. Thank you. Since the physical part is no longer an issue I can start trying to concentrate on my memory”

You didn’t miss the disappointed look in Dean’s eyes and apparently neither did Eileen because she touched your arm “Y/N why don’t I show you your room?” you smiled appreciatively at her “Sounds good. Cas are you staying?” he shook his head “No I’ve got to get back” you hugged him again “In that case be careful out there and thank you again”

------

You heard the three guys talking while you let Eileen direct you down the hall and tried to block it out. One worry at a time. She pointed to one door “That’s mine and Sam’s room” then pointed to the next door “This one is empty” the door a little further down the hall she pointed to “Um this is Dean’s room” you swallowed hard at the unadded words which were “Until a few days ago this was your room as well” and followed her down to the room right to Dean’s “This one is yours”

You walked in behind her and looked around the room. You recognized the weapons laid about as your own. That was definitely your jacket tossed across the chair in the corner. A black blanket with red swirls was folded on the foot of the bed. When you touched it she smiled “That’s your blanket you usually want. Dean’s been using it but he got me to wash it and fold it for you” you nodded feeling very much overwhelmed “Um Eileen is it ok if I say I want to be alone?” she nodded “Of course. I’ll be in the library with the boys, your phone is on the charger so if you need me cause you know hollering for me won’t work” you managed a small laugh at that and signed “Thank you” since you know had use of both hands again.

She walked out and shut the door gently behind her. You sat on the edge of the bed and looked around the room. There was a since of familiarity tugging at you being in the bunker but you weren’t sure if it was true or just the fact of your own desire to remember. After a while you started feeling tired so you laid down across the bed pulling your blanket over you. A small nap wouldn’t hurt then maybe you could wander around a bit after everyone else went to bed.

------

You weren’t sure how long you’d been asleep when you heard a small knock at your door. You sat up smoothing a hand over your head “Yeah?” then kicked yourself when you realized it could be Eileen but the door opened before you could cross over to it and it was Sam standing in your doorway instead “Dean and Eileen ran into town to grab some food and a few other things we needed. I had to convince them both I would check on you” you smiled at that then stepped back so he could come into the room.

He sat down on the chair that your jacket was draped across so you sat down on the foot of the bed right across from him “How is he?” you asked and Sam raised an eyebrow “How are you?”

You sighed “Apparently I am in a stable relationship and can’t remember past being friends. At least Cas could get the wounds on the outside healed?” he nodded then glanced around before rubbing at the back of his neck “He’s ok” “Sam” you warned so he half smiled “He’s blaming himself of course. You were on the phone with him when the wreck happened” “Christ could it get any worse?” you groaned and Sam leaned up to gently touch your leg “Yeah. You could’ve died. We can deal with this. I know we can” you nodded and laid your hand on top of his “Thanks Sam” he smiled “So do you want to check out the rest of the bunker while it’s just the two of us or go back to sleep?”

“Can I sneek a peek in Dean’s room?” he shrugged “Hell why not?” You followed him out into the hall and stopped him right as he put his hand on the door leading into Dean’s room “Are you sure I should?” He nodded “Yeah. It may help” you took a breath and followed him in. The room didn’t look that much different then the one they had moved your things into at first then on second glance the differences popped out to you.

There was your shotgun on the wall underneath Dean’s. A photo of you, him, Eileen and Sam was on the nightstand. A few albums that were clearly your taste in music was next to his radio and there were two sets of headphones instead of one. You walked over slowly and picked up the photo. The boys were sitting on Jody’s couch and from the looks of it had pulled you and Eileen down into their lap probably seconds before the photo was snapped considering you and her were both laughing. “It was the day Alex got into nursing school” Sam explained coming to stand next to you looking over your shoulder at the photo.

“We all look so happy” you whispered running your fingertips across Dean’s face. “You’ll get your memory back just give it time” he replied and you sighed then sat the photo down “I know. Let’s check out the rest of the bunker so maybe I can have my nerve enough to face Dean by the time they get back”

------

You had made your way into the library by the time Dean and Eileen came back from town. The few times you could remember coming here you’d been impressed by the extensive collection of lore this place held. You trailed your fingers along the spines of the books reading different titles. “I think you’ve read most of the books in here at least once” you heard from behind you and turned to see Dean leaned against the doorway watching you with a small smile on his face.

You sighed and said “Hopefully I’ll actually remember reading them sooner rather than later...well and other things too” the last part you added in a whisper but you saw the way his expression changed “Y/N I don’t care how long it takes I’m not going anywhere. You may not remember the last few years right now but I do, I know this is worth fighting for” “So you don’t blame yourself then?” you asked crossing your arms over your chest and saw the barest hint of a grin pulling at his lips again “Ok that look is too familiar and I’m guessing by you asking me that you’ve talked to Sam while we were gone?”

You nodded “Dean they said a drunk driver hit me. It wasn’t your fault hell if I hadn’t been on the phone with you it could've been a lot before all of you knew what had happened to me.” He nodded slowly “Not like you have always had a habit of kicking my ass if I’m too hard on myself” that made you laugh lightly “Ok that I do remember and yes someone needs to!”

He nodded back towards the kitchen “We got some food. Eileen tried to remember what your favorite was but couldn’t quite remember so we got a few different things” You smiled “I’m sure I’ll like whatever I’ve never really been picky” the two of you stood there after that staring at each other for a few heartbeats before you heard Sam call yours and Dean’s names “Guessing that’s our cue to come eat?” “Guessing so”

------

You sat next to Eileen at the table turned halfway towards her so if you said anything she wouldn’t have to turn to read your lips. Sam was sitting across from her and Dean was across from you. You always loved california rolls but now you were simply pushing them around in the little tray. “Not hungry?” Sam asked motioning to your plate. You shrugged “Guess not. Want them?” Eileen reached over before Sam could move “I’ll take them” you laughed at the look on Sam’s face “Snooze ya lose Winchester”

You glanced over at Dean’s plate to see the burger in front of him was barely touched as well “Dean you’re not gonna eat?” he shrugged “Not that hungry” you sighed and drank the last little bit of your lemonade then stood up “I think I’m gonna grab a shower and call it an early night” “If you need anything” Eileen started and you nodded then signed “I know” Dean glanced up so you smiled “Night Dean” “Night Y/N” “Night Sam” you called over your shoulder before you walked out the kitchen and heard him say “Night” as you stepped into the hall.

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Everything felt wrong. The bed felt wrong, your clothes felt wrong. There was a gaping hole craving the memories of the last three years and there was nothing you could do. You tossed and turned most of the night until finally calling it.

You dug around and found a thicker pair of socks so you pulled them onto your feet then grabbed the black and red blanket to wrap around your shoulders before stepping out into the hallway. You weren’t sure what part of the bunker you were headed to but you hoped maybe to clear the confusion in your head. The library called to you so you let your feet carry you in that direction.

You walked aimlessly around the rows of books letting your fingers graze some of them. God there was everything from classic literature that book collectors around the world would sell their souls for all the way to books describing just how bad of an idea that would be and why. You ended up not picking a book and instead just pulled out one of the chairs at the table and sat down.

You smiled when you saw Sam and Dean’s initials carved into the tabletop. It matched where they’d carved their names in the impala back when they were kids. You traced Dean’s initials and seriously considered waking him up to talk but decided against it. Just like you needed time to adjust you were quite certain he needed some time too. One moment he’d been with a woman for three years the next that woman didn’t even have a memory of a shared kiss.

You sighed and pushed away from the table. You had seen a laptop in your room hopefully it wasn’t password protected,maybe you could watch a movie or something.

Within a week and a half of being released from the hospital you were going absolutely stir crazy and what was even worse you knew everyone was sitting out of cases to be there with you.

You walked out of your room after grabbing a shower and headed towards the kitchen. Sam and Eileen were normally up before Dean you’d learned so you were hoping it was just the two of them again. When you walked around the corner you nearly froze in your tracks to see Dean pouring a cup of coffee. He cut his eyes up and almost smiled when he saw you then motioned with the coffee in his hand “Want a cup?” You mentally kicked yourself as a reminder to speak and forced a small smile onto your face “Please”

He nodded and turned to grab another cup. You stood there not missing the looks Sam and Eileen were sharing while Dean poured the coffee and held the cup out to you. You took it from him letting your fingers barely touch his hand “Thanks Dean” “Sugar’s on the counter and creamer’s in the fridge” he replied with a tight smile then walked over to sit next to Sam.

You couldn’t help but over the conversation between the three of them which consisted of the fact that Donna apparently needed help and that Garth had asked Sam if him and Dean could check in on some strange occurrences. “Why don’t you all go?” you asked turning to face the three of them and repeating yourself in asl for Eileen. “We don’t want to leave you alone” you nodded slowly then said “I have a cell phone. Sam just gave me a new one all set up yesterday. Not to mention I’m in literally one of the safest places on earth. I think I can manage for a day or two. Seriously I feel horrible that I’m keeping all three of you cooped up, go I’ll be fine”

The three of them knew you well enough to know that if you had your mind set on something you were far too stubborn to let it go that easily. Sam and Eileen shared a few hushed words followed by Sam and Dean having a whispering match before Dean finally sighed loudly “Fine! I’ll meet you outside in twenty”

You watched him walk out then glanced at Sam questioningly “What was that about?” “He still doesn’t feel comfortable leaving you but he agreed to go check out Garth’s lead” Eileen looked up from her phone with a grin “I texted Donna that I’ll come help her and she said to tell you and I quote can’t wait till Y/N is back in action. I miss her face” you laughed lightly and said “Well be careful and tell Donna I miss her face too”

------

Sam and Eileen left to go grab what they needed so you wandered back towards your room but stopped when you saw Dean’s bedroom door was open. You knocked lightly on it and half a second later he stepped around it and stopped in his tracks when he realized it was in fact you and not Sam or Eileen. “Y/N..something wrong?” you shook your head “No I was just wondering if maybe I could talk to you just for a second?”

He stepped to the side and waved a hand into the room “Of course” you walked in and sat in one of the chairs at the small table in his room so he sat across from you. You took a deep breath before saying “Dean..if my memory doesn’t come back” “It will” he cut you off and you couldn’t help but smile at just how certain he sounded “Please let me talk” “Sorry go ahead”

You reached across the table and grabbed his hand. He stared down at your intertwined fingers as you started to speak again “If my memory doesn’t come back and you want to move on there’s no hard feelings” his eyes flew up to yours “Sweetheart I knew you’d hit your head hard but damn I didn’t realize it’d done you that bad” “What?” you asked with a shocked laugh.

He slowly raised your joined hands up to his mouth before just barely letting his lips brush across your knuckles “Y/N listen to me good here darling....I love you more than I ever dreamt possible. A future for me? Naw I never really thought about it before you but since the moment you first told me you love me I feel like maybe one day I can actually be the man worthy of you. I’m never walking away from you. If it takes two months or twenty years, I’ll still be right here” you had tears in your eyes by the time he’d finished talking “Christ no wonder I’m in love with you. Who would’ve thought Dean Winchester is a romantic at heart” he chuckled before saying “Only for you sweetheart..only for you”

You pulled your hand from his and saw his face fall slightly before you said “Come home in one piece?” “Nothing could keep me from you” he replied and you had a sense of almost dejavu as if that was something that was said a lot between the two of you but you didn’t want to ask and get his hopes up just for dejavu.

“Dean..you ready to go?” Sam called from the hall but stopped when he saw the two of you sitting across from each other “Or we can wait. A few minutes wont hurt” you held Dean’s eyes as you said “No Sam, you two need to get going. I’m gonna go see Eileen off” you stood to walk out but stopped to pat Sam’s shoulder “I expect you both back here just the way you’re leaving”

“Bye Dean” “Bye Y/N” you smiled at Sam then headed to tell Eileen your usual parting and wish her a safe hunt.

------

Everyone was due back to the bunker within a few hours so you were currently folding laundry in your room. Things were starting to hold a sense of familiarity to them but you weren’t certain if it was true or if you were simply wanting to remember so badly you were tricking your own brain into saying it remembered when it truly didn’t.

You’d started texting with Jody, Alex and Claire. You felt horrible that you didn’t remember Claire’s girlfriend Kaia or the newest addition to the wayward daughters as you called them Patience but the girls were more than understanding and were wading in little by little to catch you up on any and all memories involving them.

Your phone chimed from where it sat next to the bed so you walked over to pick it up and saw a text from Sam which read “We’re two hours away and Eileen is an hour out” you smiled knowing everyone was safe and texted back “Make it back in one piece and then I’ll be happy” then sat the phone down and returned to putting your laundry away.

You pulled out one drawer and stopped. Your socks and undergarments were in it but you had a flash of t-shirts being in the top drawer. Must have simply been mistaken. You finished up then headed into the library where you’d been scrolling through news websites to catch up.

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You must have been invested in the article you were currently reading because when Eileen tapped on your shoulder you jumped. When you looked up she said “You’re a hunter and I scared you!” “You didn’t make any noise! Besides my guard is down in here” she shook her head but laughed “Nice to see you in a good mood” you motioned around “It’s starting to feel like a sense of being at home here” you knew you could confide in her without it reaching Dean and possibly getting his hopes up for nothing.

Her smile grew as she pulled out the chair next to you and sat down “That’s really good news” you and her sat there talking for the next while and were still talking when you heard the bunker door open so you signed “Our boys are home” she smiled and glanced over her shoulder about the time Sam and Dean walked down the stairs but both of your faces fell when you saw the cuts and scratches littering both of their faces.

She was on her feet to Sam’s side and without hesitation you were at Dean’s side before you could even think about it. “What the hell happened?” you asked gently touching the deepest cut that ran right across Dean’s left cheek “Couple witches hexed a couple vamps. Made them a little harder to kill. No big deal sweetheart” he replied flinching slightly as you turned his head to look at the different cuts and you shook your head then glanced at Eileen “You got your idiot cause I’m gonna go patch this one up and call Cas to see when he came come through the heal them” she nodded so you grabbed Dean’s hand and pulled him behind you out of the library and down the hall to his bedroom.

------

Dean sat on the side of his bed while you fussed over the cuts on his face and neck. “Did you kill the witches? Because if not I’m gonna find them and shove their damn broomsticks up their asses” you finished cleaning the cuts and stopped when you realized he was staring at you

“What?” he shook his head letting just the barest hint of a smile play on his lips “I love when you’re all fiery” when you dipped your head just enough that hair fell in front of your face he knew that was one of your tells that you’d gotten embarrassed so he reached up to push the hair back gently and felt his heart flip when you actually leaned into his touch “I love everything about you Y/N. I don’t mean to embarrass you or make you feel weird about it since you can’t remember but you patching me up and fussing about me being hurt? It feels normal or normal for us anyways” you covered his hand with your own and smiled “I want us back Dean”

“We’ll get there sweetheart. Rowena said a few more days and a few more continents she should have her hands on everything she needs” you nodded then pulled away from him slowly “I need to put this first aid kit up” he watched you move around and wanted to say something that would make you feel better but really didn’t have an idea as to what to say.

You stopped at the doorway and glanced back at him “Is it weird if I ask you to take me for a ride in the impala?” he shook his head “Not at all. When do you want to go?” your smile pulled one to his own face “Let me grab my jacket” you glanced at his dresser for a second then added “Are your t-shirts in the top drawer?” he looked between you and the dresser then nodded slowly “Yeah..why?” “No reason” you replied then went in search of your jacket and to return the first aid kit to the kitchen.

------

You weren’t sure where Dean was headed but sitting next to him watching him drive felt so natural. You’d known him for years but it was like your heart was remembering even when your brain was refusing to. “Want to pull over or just keep driving? It’s a quarter moon but it’s pretty bright out if you want to park and talk?” he suggested and you nodded “Please”

You watched as he found a pull off and drove back to an open field. When he killed the engine he cut his eyes at you “You coming?” you smiled and climbed out behind him. He walked to the front of the car then sat on the hood leaned back against the windshield so you sat next to him making sure your boots were hanging off the side to not scratch the paint. Thousands of stars were dotted across the sky and although the moon was only a quarter it was bright. You could hear a few crickets far off and a slight breeze was in the air not enough to make it cold but enough to make your jacket comfortable.

You cut your eyes at him twice before he said “You can lean your head over on me Y/N. I won’t bite” “What if I asked you to?” you joked but had another sense of dejavu hit you. He pulled you over onto his chest leaning further back while you got comfortable “You know you said that to me the first night we slept together” he spoke after a moment.

It was the first time he’d actually talked about your relationship. You knew it was because he didn’t want to push your memory. You had your head laying against his chest and could hear his heart beating steadily under you. “Who kissed who first?” you asked and his answering laugh vibrated through your entire body “Believe it or not you kissed me first” you turned to look at him and he shrugged so you asked “Tell me?”

He nodded and leaned his head back to stare at the night sky “We were fresh off a possession case. Me and Sam had been working it and you rolled through nearby. Eileen was with the twins working a case so you offered to help us. After it was all said and done Sam headed back to the hotel but me and you decided to grab a beer” you hadn’t realized just how much you were hanging onto his every word until he grinned “You’re staring there Y/N” “Oh hush. You’re telling me about our first kiss I get to stare”

“Fair enough” he replied with a nod then continued “Anyways. We got to the bar, grabbed our drinks and then headed to a corner table. We were talking about the job, the life we live. You were the most beautiful woman in the place and you were sitting there in jeans and one of my flannels since your shirt had gotten torn during the fight and you had a scratch right across the top of your collarbone that flashed when you moved just the right way. I’d been trying to figure out a way to ask you if you’d ever consider being with another hunter for weeks by that point. You got up to grab us another round and I admit I watched your ass while you walked to the bar but you hadn’t even gotten the beer yet when some drunk asshole decided to grab your ass”

“How did that go over?” you asked pretty much already knowing the answer. Dean tilted his head with a hint of a smirk “I may have broken his jaw in a few different places. Luckily the bartender saw everything so she snuck us over the bar and out the back about the time the police were coming in the front. We hightailed it out of there and headed back to the hotel. I walked you to your door even though you were right next to us. You told me you could’ve handled it and at first I thought you were pissed at me for stepping in but then you added that you thought it was the sexiest thing you’d ever seen. You kissed me then asked if I wanted to grab coffee the next morning before we all headed our different directions”

The happiness in Dean’s eyes as he spoke about the two of you made your heart ache. You loved him, that much you were sure of even if you couldn’t remember the details as to why. “Was it just me for you from there on?” you asked and when he looked at you god your heart skipped more than a few beats at the emotion those green eyes held “No one else would’ve stood a chance” you leaned closer to him and just barely let your lips brush against his in a tentative kiss. When he didn’t push you away you deepened it moving closer to him. He groaned into the kiss when your hands slid across his chest coming up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck.

One of his hands came to grip your thigh closest to him and he gave it a tug pulling you on top of him never breaking the kiss. You straddled his waist breaking from his lips to kiss down his neck. The grip on your hips tightened when you kissed on top of his pulse point “Y/N...sweetheart..baby stop” you froze the moment he said stop and looked at him in confusion “What’s wrong?” he swallowed hard before saying “Don’t get me wrong because fuck I’ve missed kissing you but we can’t do this. Not until you get more of your memory back. The moment you do I promise to keep you in bed for days but for now we can’t”

You nodded and left another quick kiss on his lips before sliding off of him and the hood of the car. He stood up after you and wrapped both arms around you “I love you Y/N” you nodded leaning back against him “I know Dean” the two of you stood there in silence for the longest just enjoying being close to each other until you shivered. “Let’s get back” he said so you nodded with a sigh “Will you watch a movie or something with me when we get back?” he nodded and kissed your cheek “Of course”

You paced across the floor glancing towards the table in the center of the room every now and then. The redhead working over the large silver bowl stopped in the middle of a movement “Y/N..dear I have grown quite fond of you actually but if you don’t stop that incessant pacing I will lock you out until I need you”

You held your hands up defensively “Sorry Rowena. I guess I’m just nervous” “Understandably but just take a breath” you nodded and sat down at the table across the room. She smiled then went back to her work. You looked up when the door opened and gave a small smile to Eileen “The boys are on their way back” “It’ll be done before they get here” Rowena said not looking up so you repeated it to Eileen who questioned why your eyes got wider.

Eileen sat down next to you and drew you into a conversation about a few hunt years back and that managed to keep your attention until Rowena cleared her throat. The both of you looked up so she waved you over “It’s time” Eileen walked next to you so you gave her hand a small squeeze before stepping over to the table “Give me your hand” Rowena spoke so you held your hand out palm up. She picked up a silver dagger and slid it across your skin. You watched as your blood dripped onto the mixture in the bowl and it glowed a deep silver.

Rowena spoke the incantation of which you only caught half the words because while some was latin the rest was a language you didn’t recognize. After a moment the silver turned to a shimmering black. Rowena dipped a red wine glass into the bowl and held it out “Drink it all” you looked at the liquid and swallowed hard. You’d drank worse before. You looked at Eileen who nodded so you toasted her and Rowena “Here’s to our health ladies” then tipped the entire glass back in one go. “How do you feel?” Eileen asked and you started to say you felt fine then the world took on a fuzzy haze and you felt yourself falling right before your vision went black.

------

“Y/N..wake up..sweetheart” you could hear Dean’s voice and forced your eyes open. “She’s awake” he breathed in relief. You were laying on a makeshift pallet in the armory. “Told you I know what I’m doing” Rowena chastised then crouched down into your view. “Y/N..how do you feel dear?” you looked at Dean before answering Rowena “I feel amazing. I remember everything” you could hear Eileen and Sam both thanking Rowena but your eyes were glued to Dean who whispered “I love you Y/N” you pulled him down into a kiss before whispering “I love you too Dean. Nothing could keep me from you either”

Tagging @girl-next-door-writes for the bingo challenge and @akshi8278 cause it's Dean

#spn fanfiction #supernatural fanfiction #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester x female!reader #girl next doors make me feel bingo

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