#truly had no idea the extent of things i use my ab muscles for. i owe them more work haha

[idrils]

my ab muscles are just nothing rn (on account of the whole open abdominal surgery) so i have to use other muscles to make up for it. it makes adjusting my seat interesting with extra wiggling and more support from my arms

it's also impossible to cough and i honestly dread pooping. we'll see what happens

[amairainherlilbubble]

Hii,

Today I'll be talking about my favourite topicccccccc that isshh JIMMMMINNN. I'll be talking only about JIMIN here. I seriously have hugeee amount of respect towards him. I don't know him personally and I'll never know him too. But I'm glad I got to know his existence. Aawwww he's such a cutie pie🥺. But that's not the real reason for me to admire him.

Yeshhh!!! He is called cute, pretty, sexy, mochi, etc etc☺️. I don't know howa person can be cute as well as sexy. And he's so handsome😍. He has got ethereal beauty. In addition, I feel he is a perfect example for sincerity + hard work + dedication. He was and is always tough on himself. As he himself said, he doesn't believe in predetermined fate concept. Because he doesn't wait for the fate to create magic for him rather he himself creates his own magic. Just imagine joining a group just 6 months before debut with not knowing much about singing. Think about the challenges he might have faced.

~ completely new people.

~ need to work on your skills.

~ need to work on your dynamics with your bandmates.

~ need to take of your studies.

~ fighting over your insecurities and many more.

It's too much for a teenager to endure. He has successfully overcome everything and has conquered millions of hearts now but it really pricks my heart when I get to know these things about Jimin (I know every successful person have their own shares of struggles in life and I respect it but Jimin holds special place in my heart).

I also remember him telling in a interview, how hard he tried, how he thought he might not able to make it to the group, and his promise to his father of making him proud which he has fulfilled, how he said to his parents that everyday he has to pay a price for making new friends. Those compromises, sacrifices, he made, hardships he endured, everything made him what he is now. He is truly a inspiration for everyone. There's a reason afterall why he is called as rookie's bible, idol's idol.

Despite everything, he always have his cuteeeee and chweeeet smile. Oh my god!!! He's so adorableeee. I just love him. I respect him as a person with such adorable personality. To be honest, he is one of the mature members in BTS. He truly is.

I personally find JIMIN very attractive not just his looks and charms but also his personality(JIMIN effect is no joke). He is not less savage than SUGA to be honest😂. This guy can be sassy sometimes. At the same time, he is too kind hearted. To be honest, my personality is kind of mixture of JIMIN and JUNGKOOK and I'm a Virgo, so I can relate to them in more personal level.

Caring JIMIN SSHII

If you ask me why jimin is your bias, then my answer would be this "BECAUSE HE IS AN ANGEL" Or should I just say he is a rare specie? As I said earlier, I have similar personality and sometimes I can really relate to his words and actions. Coming back to the original point, yes!! he's an angel 😇 and I can give you a day lecture if you deny it😂. He is so beautiful inside out.

Jimin not only consoles/comforts people but he knows exactly how to console/comfort them. And that is the reason why he stands out the most for me. Different people find comfort in different things. For example, some might get comfort by hugs, back hugs and some just by sweet words and some just by someone's presence. And again some people like me find comfort in ourselves. We don't want anyone around us. We just want to cry and vent out our emotions and come back with a huge smile. And this guy knows this. So he treats everyone (not literally everyone only his near and dear ones) the way they want to be treated. Hahaha not everytime. Sometime he treats the way he wants to treat people which is pretty common considering the fact that he's a human being too.

If you observe he knows how to deal with and every member. For example,

During BV4, Jimin and Suga had to climb to the top of the mountain, and we all know how interested Suga is in activities like this (though enjoys afterwards), Jimin knows it so he said Suga to wait and he just ran to check whether the mountain is too steep or not. He literally went by running. He also got the snow to finish their mission successfully. He was so considerate.

During one of the run episodes, he even offered Jin for a piggyback ride in a uphill road😳. It was so sweet gesture from him. (Later jin also offered piggyback ride to jimin which was sweet too)

Again during one of the run episodes, when Jungkook was sad for not getting playing top of his choice, Jimin readily offered his and took rock bison instead. (One of the legendary episodes after lachimolala, where rock bison became famous😂.)

Well I'll just stop here because list just goes on....like an echo in the forest.......like an arrow in the blue sky..... sorry I just went to life goes on😅😅 and I can only remember English lyrics. I'm definitely not saying he's like a fairy from wonderland who won't refuse anything and sacrifice every single thing for the sake of others which is literally impossible for anyone. But he does it mosssssssst of the times which makes him so special, which makes people say "everyone wants a JIMIN in their life". He is one of the members who can goof around with every members.

Misconceptions about the charming boy

1. He's a natural flirt.... oh my my seriously peeps? He's a flirt?

See I understand flirting isn't a bad word if it is used in a right context. I'm not completely denying the fact he flirts but not to the extent people hypes it. And yes, he don't flirt with every random people on earth. Like common people, there's a difference between being friendly and being flirty and also being awkward. I think many people often mixes these things. To be honest, sometimes, I feel lot of others try flirting with him. And yes, just because he's Libra you can not just label his extroverted behavior as flirty behavior.

And he's not completely extrovert he's kind of extrovertly introvert.

2. He is a king of fan service??????

Like I kind of understand fan service is like vital part of KPOP. But I believe, that would be only till some extent and done by all the members accordingly. Once your group is well settled, you don't have to do fan service and stuffs. The only fan service I can remember from JIMIN is showing his abs during "no more dream" performances and also during some shows. And yes, BTS as a whole have participated in fan service but that was during early days. But blaming Jimin alone is not a good idea, you bummers. When I watch videos from those times, I feel like JIMIN's abs were extensively used may be to attract fans? Or whatever. Not every thing he does on stage is to please the fans, he can also do because he loves the stage and love performing the way he does. By now, they all have realized their fans (ARMYYYYYYYYYYY) love them and their performances and don't have to do fan service to lure them.

4. Jimin was fat during/before/after debut????

Like what????? Dude I agree he had this puffy, squishy face which was too cute but he was not fat. (Not Jimin not any BTS members were fat or ugly during their debut days. They were all handsome in their own way.) And I find it really annoying that a person with abs and toned muscles was body shamed???? Does that even make sense....He was cute and he is cute. He was a baby back then.

There's something I want to address here....

I don't know how I ended up there, but I had seen a post somewhere telling Jimin is alcoholic, he just throws himself on other members, he's a home wrecker, he makes people feel uncomfortable and what not.

I'm not part of Jimin's life so I can't really tell how much he drinks. But that honest soul had himself said that, he used to drink a lot to deal with stress then kinda became a habit but now he's not drinking as he used to instead he's sharing his problems/stress with the other members. I'm not saying he's not drinking at all like we all know he, Suga, Jin and Jungkook are all drinking buddies. They are all grown up men. They know what is good to them. So we are no one to judge and we should not judge them because we don't know them. (Believe it or not I just love the way he opens the champagne, pours in to the glass and gulps down in a single go. He looks damn sexy!!!!)

And no, Jimin does not throw himself on anyone. Literally no one period. He will not touch you if you are not comfortable with his touch. He will never interfere in your business if you don't like it. He will never make fun of you, if that makes you sad. He never did and he'll never do anything which can make anyone uncomfortable. Not even with JUNGKOOK. There's no way one can resist jimin's cuteness (again there will be exception like brainless, heartless, thoughtless people) dude.... I can for sure tell you Jungkook was never once uncomfortable with Jimin. Jimin is such a pure soul who can get along with anyone if he wishes to. No members including Suga is uncomfortable with jimin's touch.

Like keep every shipping shits aside and think, they have literally lived together for more than 6-7 years now. There's no way they can be uncomfortable with each other. They themselves have said multiple times, they are all like family. How can you be uncomfortable with your own family member??

Okay then that's all for now.... Yes I know I did not talk about his talents here because I just wanted to talk about jimin as a person here. We all know how amazing he is as an artist. No one can doubt his singing and dancing skills.

I would love to talk about JIMIN as an artist but NOT TODAYYY (go listen to that song).

Thank you for making upto this line.

Bye until next time,

Amaira💜

[adabellatovey1990]

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[sarah--writes-blog]

Space Dad Stomachache

Anon: Maybe something fluffy involving Shiro?

Anon: How bout someone feeling really nauseous and burpy and just wants to be comforted and looked after? Love ur work!!

A/N: It may have turned into my first Shallura work. We good? Good. 

I could’ve polished up a better draft, but I need to move on to another prompt. Embarrassed/flustered Shiro is hard to write.

Some sexy implications, but nothing amounts from it.

Allura was talking. Shiro really tried to pay attention, but his mind couldn’t attach to the words. She was debriefing the rest of the paladins about what was going on. Something about alien ambassadors coming to confirm an alliance against Zarkon? He wasn’t sure. He was too busy focusing on his stomach.

Ever since the Black Paladin woke up, his stomach felt...off. He felt nauseated, but never like he was going to vomit. He even managed to get breakfast down. No one else seemed to be feeling ill, so he didn’t mention it and feigned health the entire day. This was his mistake.

Allura finished her debriefing and left the paladins to their work. Coran followed her out the door, discussing political strong suits with her. This left the paladins looking to Shiro for instruction.

“Alright, guys. Like Allura said, this is important, so we have to make a good impression. We need this civilization on our side.”

“Allura didn’t say what they looked like,” Pidge noted, “Do you think they’ll be humanoid, or something else?”

She and Hunk went on a small tangent, theorizing about the new lifeforms. Shiro pressed a fist up to his mouth, forcing the trapped air up through his nose. He may have gotten comfortable with his fellow paladins and established a strong bond and trust with them, but he was not about to burp in front of them. He had standards. Standards that some of them proved to not have.

But of course, they picked up on it immediately. They were an observant bunch, Shiro could give them that. Keith was the first to speak up. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

Lance mimicked the motion, “That. You looked like you were about to double over. Are you alright?”

So they're working against me...Shiro thought, At least they're working together.

“I'm fine. It was nothing. Anyway, we need to shine up the deck before the ambassadors come. This may be our home, we may live here 24/7, but this place needs to be spotless by the time they- urrp!”

There was no hiding that one. It completely snuck up on him. The other paladins raised their eyebrows in surprise, some more impressed than startled.

“Dude, Shiro, nice one.” Hunk grinned, offering his fist to bump. Not sure how else to save face, Shiro chuckled nervously and returned the fist bump.

“Sorry. Is everything clear?”

The paladins nodded and attended to their chores.

Shiro thought that would’ve been enough. He just needed to get a bit of air up, that was it. But his stomach said otherwise. As the paladins cleaned the deck, Shiro had to continuously stifle burps coming up his throat. His stomach didn’t hurt, and he was sure he wasn’t going to throw up. He just felt uneasy, which was almost worse. At least if he was going to throw up, he could’ve gotten it over with.

No matter, he thought, It’s nothing to be worried about. There’ll be some time between cleaning the deck and meeting the ambassadors that I can relax and take some medicine.

Cleaning the deck proved to be more strenuous than anyone thought. It was more than just a mopping job and cleaning the windows with Windex. Repairs had to be made, screws had to be tightened, and Coran gave the paladins this strange fluid he called ‘deck polish’ that needed to be applied in zero-gravity. None of these actions helped Shiro’s stomach, especially the zero-gravity.

Meanwhile, the concerned comments kept coming, and Shiro kept deflecting.

“You look kind of pale.”

“It's the lighting. You look pale too.”

“Your stomach doesn't sound good.”

“Digestive noises are natural in the process of eating.”

“You keep holding your middle and moving slowly.”

“I tweaked a muscle in my abs during training.”

No one truly believed him. They could see right through him - something was clearly wrong. But when he snapped at Lance about asking any more questions, everyone went quiet. The only time Shiro ever snapped was at Slav, and when tension was raised in extremely dangerous circumstances. Never when the others were worried about him.

Shiro sighed. In reality, he wanted to tell the paladins. He wanted to admit that he hadn’t been feeling good and he just wanted to lay down. He knew that if he confessed, they’d understand and care for him, or at the very least leave him alone to rest. But he had to be strong. Ambassadors were coming, the ship needed to be clean, and he needed to be a figurehead for Voltron.

“I’m sorry, Lance. I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just frustrated, and it was wrong to take it out on you.” He apologized. The Blue Paladin looked up at him, voice softer and more concerned than it’s normal tone.

“Shiro, you know you can tell us anything, right? We’re here for you, just like you’re here for us.”

Ah, yes. Lance’s uncanny ability to guilt trip anyone. All the paladins had it to some extent, but Lance mastered it (whether intentional or not). Shiro felt his resolve crumble a bit.

“I know. Thank you for being concerned. We’ll talk about it after we deal with the ambassadors.”

This was satisfying enough. The paladins went back to their work as Allura entered the deck.

“Shiro?”

“Yes, Princess?”

“I think there’s a problem with the quantum gearbox. We may need to manually resynchronize the primary and auxiliary auto-sequencers. The ambassadors would definitely notice if our gearbox wasn’t synchronized. Could you help me?”

Shiro truly had no idea what Allura said. He was smart, but there was some Altean tech that completely went over his head.

“Maybe Pidge would be a better person? She might actually understand...” he cut himself short, preventing all air from escaping his throat. There was burping in front of the paladins, but burping in front of a princess was another matter. Not to mention, a very beautiful princess he was romantically attracted to. That was unacceptable.

Allura smiled softly. She didn’t seem to notice. “Oh, you don’t need to understand. You just need to lift something big and press a few buttons at the same time I do. You might be more capable than Pidge.”

He couldn’t say no to that. After all, he was fine. But the thought of lifting heavy things made his stomach turn. It felt tight against his belt as if he’d drank two liters of soda in one sitting. He honestly wasn’t sure how long he could last before locking himself up in a closet and letting himself burp it all up.

“Of course, Princess.”

She lead him out of the room. Instead of taking a right towards the elevators, she took a left towards the housing units. Shiro was confused at first, but let it slide. He had no idea what a quantum gearbox was, why should he know where it was?

“Our gearbox is actually fine,” Allura confessed. She took another left and opened the door to her bedroom. “I just wanted to get you alone.”

Shiro’s eyes widened. He’d seen this situation before, he knew how it played out. Now was not the time, not with the ambassadors coming, not when he was feeling like this.

“Princess, we shouldn't-....not while the others might start looking for us...and I'm actually not feeling my best...” As he stammered, Allura took him by the hand and locked the door behind them. She brought him to the bed and sat him down.

“I know you aren't feeling well,” she pressed her palm against his chest, pushing him down into laying on her bed, “and for the millionth time. Call me Allura.”

Oh god, is this another Altean thing? Having sex while sick? Any other day, or at least with preparation, Shiro may have been willing to try it. Before he could protest, the princess was unbuckling his belt.

“A-Allura!”

The buckle flopped to the side, and suddenly Shiro felt like he could breathe. He still felt uncomfortably full, but he was no longer in any pain. His guard crumpled. He truly couldn’t take it anymore.

“What- huulp!,” he clamped is metal hand over his mouth, “I-I’m so sorry, Princess! I didn’t- hic-urrp! Sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’ve just- uulp! ”

He just stopped talking. This was an absolute nightmare. Shiro clenched his eyes shut and felt his face go beet red, waiting for the verbal assault Allura was about to give him about being polite. Instead, he got something much nicer.

“It’s alright, Shiro. Relax. Trust me.”

Allura traced her fingers up from Shiro’s belt and rested then right above the belly button. She started to massage in slow circles, starting just around his navel. At first, Shiro was skeptical. He always thought stomach rubs were an old wives tale to lure children into the placebo effect.

“You...don’t mind?”

“Why would I mind? It’s helping you feel better, isn’t it?”

“It’s just-” he paused for a bit, swallowing down another gulp of air that tried to force its way up, “It’s considered impolite.”

The princess cocked her head a bit, “Really? Not to Alteans.”

Shiro’s shoulders relaxed. That was exactly what he needed to hear. Still, he kept his hand over his mouth and apologized with each little hiccup.

Allura chuckled a bit, “Finally. I thought I’d have to give you a tranquilizer to get you to relax.” Her other hand raked his white tuft away from his forehead, simultaneously checking for a fever. “You aren’t warm...”

“It’s because I’m not sick. Something just isn't settling well, or something. My stomach’s been acting up all day.”

“The abdominal circulations aren’t helping?”

Shiro couldn’t help but smile, “They’re called ‘belly rubs’, usually. They feel nice, but I don’t think they’re helping-”

But Allura started to use her palm. Her slightly calloused hands glided across his skin, slowly but surely calming his stomach down. Before long, Shiro was completely melted under her touch, relief completely flooding his body.

“Where did you learn that? Is it some Altean trick?”

The princess smiled and laid herself next to Shiro, “It’s not Altean. Ever since I learned that the new paladins of Voltron came from Earth, I've been reading up on all your subjects. Anatomy is particularly fascinating to me.”

She said the last sentence with a bit of a telling smirk. Shiro went red. Allura may have had a different culture than he did, but she picked up on his fast.

But there was no exploring of anatomy that night. Allura gave Shiro medicine that would help him during the meeting. It went without a hitch, the ambassadors even commented on how nice the ship looked. And afterwards, once everyone started heading off to bed, the princess pulled Shiro to her bedroom again, giving him warm belly rubs and soft kisses until he drifted off to sleep.

[yes-dal456]

Just Because My Body Looks Healthy Doesn’t Mean My Eating Disorder Isn’t Real

This post originally appeared on Bustle.

By Ray Gallagher

I have strong, broad shoulders and ropy back muscles. On my better days, I imagine that I have the arms of Michelle Obama and the abs of Ronda Rousey. I have the thick, defined quads and calves of someone who has been playing sports for over two decades.

By most accounts, I adhere to conventional Western beauty standards. I am petite and trim. Since the dawn of the fitspo, athletic bodies are more “in” than ever, and I align with this idealized version of the female form. By all outward appearances, I am the Instagram-ready depiction of feminine health. I may look #swoleselfie ready, but what most people don’t know is that I actually suffer from an eating disorder. The truth is, eating disorders, like pretty much all mental illnesses, are notoriously difficult to diagnose. With overlapping symptoms, individual differences among patients, and subjective diagnostic criteria, it can be difficult for even seasoned therapists to diagnose an eating disorder.

For the longest time, I certainly didn’t truly recognize the extent of my issues. After all, I wasn’t rail-thin. I wasn’t fainting in the hallway like Miranda from that one episode of Lizzie McGuire. I certainly wasn’t ready to be laid up in a hospital bed and hooked up to a feeding tube, like that one girl from freshman year homeroom, so I couldn’t possibly have an eating disorder, right?

I was able to ignore some of the more subtle indicators that I had an eating disorder primarily because I didn’t experience too many of the very common ones. It’s the type of logic that alcoholics and drug addicts employ: if I’m not at rock-bottom, it can’t be that bad.

Like many pre-teen girls in America, my body image issues began when I hit puberty in middle school. It was easy being the cute, scrawny kid with knobby knees, adorable bangs, and a wiry torso. It wasn’t so easy being the pudgy sixth grader with awful eyebrows. But with all of the awful changes that middle school brought, it did introduce me to the one thing that changed my life: field hockey.

My eighth grade best friend encouraged me to try out for the team. “It’s not that hard, and you probably won’t get cut since you’re an eighth grader,” she told me. I made the team, and thus began my career as a varsity athlete.

Now playing a varsity sport, I noticed that I lost a little fat and gained some muscle. My body composition changed with each field hockey season, accompanied by summers spent running on the boardwalk and spring semesters filled with lacrosse. It seemed obvious, but it was the first time I made the connection that sports and fitness could mean having a conventionally attractive body.

I managed to make it through high school without having any eating disorder drama. I watched what I snacked on, I was busy with sports, and my mom cooked healthy dinners. What did I have to worry about?

Everything changed when I got to college. I wasn’t used to the freedom of an all-you-can-eat self-serve dining hall. Field hockey practice was a lot different than at the high school level, with less in-season focus on conditioning and more focus on developing technical skills. Coupled with normal late-adolescence weight gain, I began obsessing over my appearance. I would check my stomach in the mirror constantly, and assess my face for any double-chins that may have been lurking. It was also around this time that I started experimenting with diet restriction. I pretended to be a vegetarian for six weeks, but I really just wanted to see if cutting out meat would make me any skinnier. Spoiler: it didn’t.

Things didn’t truly get out of control for me until my spring semester junior year, when I studied abroad in Spain. I was excited for the program, but I was also incredibly nervous. I had signed up for a full immersion program, where I would be living with an older, unmarried señora in her apartment. As Spanish major, I knew a homestay would let me practice as much Spanish as possible. I wanted the authentic Spanish experience, and I knew that boarding with a Spanish señora was the best way to do it.

Going in, I knew I would have to be flexible with my carefully-regimented lifestyle. It would be rude to barge into her house and make dietary demands. I was eager for the immersion experience, so I ignored every instinct telling me that this living arrangement could potentially be a bad idea.

My señora was lovely, but she was also the world’s worst and unhealthiest cook. Spanish food is not known as particularly healthful, with dietary staples consisting of cured meats, rich cheeses, and fried foods. Whole grains and kale are just not a thing in Spain. My señoraalso admitted she “didn’t care to eat healthy,” and looked at me like I was a maniac when I told her some of my favorite foods were raw veggies and plain, grilled chicken.

I didn’t want to offend her, so I ate her greasy empanadas and oil-soaked lettuce for five months straight. I took full advantage of Salamanca’s bustling nightlife scene, and spent many nights drinking cocktails served by the liter and scarfing down doner kebabs at four in the morning. All of this la vida loca left me with a new reality: I was more than 15 pounds heavier. 

Great, I thought, I can’t even have an eating disorder correctly.

During the semester, I kept telling myself to ignore the weight gain and just enjoy my time in Europe. Everyone gets a little pudgy when they study abroad, right? Coming back to America was a crash-landing back to reality. If gaining weight induced my anxiety, then the process of losing it drove me absolutely crazy. I had always been body-conscious, but now I was obsessive about my appearance.

As punishment, I mistreated my body in the worst ways. I starved myself, often jerking awake at 6 a.m. from hunger pangs. I experimented with bulimia, but could never even binge enough to induce vomiting. Great, I thought, I can’t even have an eating disorder correctly. For one entire summer, I cut out carbs entirely — and I mean entirely.

I gave myself migraines from messing with my blood sugar levels. If I was going out, I just wouldn’t eat, because I didn’t want to “look chubby.” Spending two hours at the gym, seven days-a-week, was standard. It only took me a few months to lose my “Spain weight,” but I kept pushing my body harder, masquerading my disordered behaviors as “physical fitness.”

I hit rock-bottom when I nearly fainted at the gym. My research meeting ran later than expected, and it was almost time to meet a friend for dinner. I was starving. I can’t eat dinner if I don’t do at least a high-intensity power lift routine, I frantically thought as I raced to the gym. The thought of only working out for only 45 minutes induced sheer panic in me. Mid-way through my work-out, I got dizzy and lightheaded from doing a set hang-cleans and almost dropped the bar on myself. I was so weak from hunger I couldn’t even clear 65lbs ― something that was once easy for me.

Earlier that day, a girl I barely even knew approached me in awe and said, “Ray, I’ve been meaning to ask you … how did you get so skinny?” At the time, I radiated from her compliment. But now, after fainting in the gym, I just felt like I was cheating myself out of health and happiness. That was my wakeup call; I soon realized that I was merely rationalizing my behavior. After doing some research, I realized that I most likely suffered from Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). Also called OSFED, this diagnosis describes people with eating disorder symptoms not fitting neatly into the “anorexia” or “bulimia” categories. Inconsistent purging behaviors? Anorexia minus the extreme, dangerous weight loss? Obsession with exercise as a form of weight management? Extreme preoccupation with food and physical appearance? It was like someone had studied my behavior over the last few years and created a diagnosis just for me. Most shockingly, I learned that EDNOS is hardly talked about — even though 70 percent of people with an eating disorder fall into the EDNOS category. It is the label for the standard illness of our culture.

Finding a label for my mental health issue was the first step in overcoming it. For me, the biggest obstacle was admitting I had an eating disorder in the first place. I was so consumed with the idea that my fit, muscular body was the paragon of health that the idea that I had an eating disorder was just out of the question.

In an effort to get healthy, I started doing more research and spoke to a therapist about my issues. I made a conscious effort to be mindful of my food choices by strategically planning my meals, helping me make sure that my body is taken care of after the gym. I also started testing myself with “cheat meals,” and realized that the world wouldn’t come crashing down if I ate a slice of pizza once in a while. Within months, I started seeing more positive changes in my body. I was eating more, spending less time at the gym, and was looking healthier than ever before — probably because my body wasn’t starving anymore. More importantly, I was no longer obsessing over my body or panicking if I had to skip Leg Day. Of course, when it comes to having an eating disorder, a happy ending is never so simple. I still fight the body image issues that I’ve dealt with since middle school. But one of the best ways I now combat these negative thoughts is by focusing on what my body can do, rather than just how it looks. After all, this is the body that ran a half-marathon, loves to paddle board, and has played in countless field hockey games. I should be proud of it, and treat it kindly.

Images: Ray Gallagher

If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

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[imreviewblog]

Just Because My Body Looks Healthy Doesn’t Mean My Eating Disorder Isn’t Real

This post originally appeared on Bustle.

By Ray Gallagher

I have strong, broad shoulders and ropy back muscles. On my better days, I imagine that I have the arms of Michelle Obama and the abs of Ronda Rousey. I have the thick, defined quads and calves of someone who has been playing sports for over two decades.

By most accounts, I adhere to conventional Western beauty standards. I am petite and trim. Since the dawn of the fitspo, athletic bodies are more “in” than ever, and I align with this idealized version of the female form. By all outward appearances, I am the Instagram-ready depiction of feminine health. I may look #swoleselfie ready, but what most people don’t know is that I actually suffer from an eating disorder. The truth is, eating disorders, like pretty much all mental illnesses, are notoriously difficult to diagnose. With overlapping symptoms, individual differences among patients, and subjective diagnostic criteria, it can be difficult for even seasoned therapists to diagnose an eating disorder.

For the longest time, I certainly didn’t truly recognize the extent of my issues. After all, I wasn’t rail-thin. I wasn’t fainting in the hallway like Miranda from that one episode of Lizzie McGuire. I certainly wasn’t ready to be laid up in a hospital bed and hooked up to a feeding tube, like that one girl from freshman year homeroom, so I couldn’t possibly have an eating disorder, right?

I was able to ignore some of the more subtle indicators that I had an eating disorder primarily because I didn’t experience too many of the very common ones. It’s the type of logic that alcoholics and drug addicts employ: if I’m not at rock-bottom, it can’t be that bad.

Like many pre-teen girls in America, my body image issues began when I hit puberty in middle school. It was easy being the cute, scrawny kid with knobby knees, adorable bangs, and a wiry torso. It wasn’t so easy being the pudgy sixth grader with awful eyebrows. But with all of the awful changes that middle school brought, it did introduce me to the one thing that changed my life: field hockey.

My eighth grade best friend encouraged me to try out for the team. “It’s not that hard, and you probably won’t get cut since you’re an eighth grader,” she told me. I made the team, and thus began my career as a varsity athlete.

Now playing a varsity sport, I noticed that I lost a little fat and gained some muscle. My body composition changed with each field hockey season, accompanied by summers spent running on the boardwalk and spring semesters filled with lacrosse. It seemed obvious, but it was the first time I made the connection that sports and fitness could mean having a conventionally attractive body.

I managed to make it through high school without having any eating disorder drama. I watched what I snacked on, I was busy with sports, and my mom cooked healthy dinners. What did I have to worry about?

Everything changed when I got to college. I wasn’t used to the freedom of an all-you-can-eat self-serve dining hall. Field hockey practice was a lot different than at the high school level, with less in-season focus on conditioning and more focus on developing technical skills. Coupled with normal late-adolescence weight gain, I began obsessing over my appearance. I would check my stomach in the mirror constantly, and assess my face for any double-chins that may have been lurking. It was also around this time that I started experimenting with diet restriction. I pretended to be a vegetarian for six weeks, but I really just wanted to see if cutting out meat would make me any skinnier. Spoiler: it didn’t.

Things didn’t truly get out of control for me until my spring semester junior year, when I studied abroad in Spain. I was excited for the program, but I was also incredibly nervous. I had signed up for a full immersion program, where I would be living with an older, unmarried señora in her apartment. As Spanish major, I knew a homestay would let me practice as much Spanish as possible. I wanted the authentic Spanish experience, and I knew that boarding with a Spanish señora was the best way to do it.

Going in, I knew I would have to be flexible with my carefully-regimented lifestyle. It would be rude to barge into her house and make dietary demands. I was eager for the immersion experience, so I ignored every instinct telling me that this living arrangement could potentially be a bad idea.

My señora was lovely, but she was also the world’s worst and unhealthiest cook. Spanish food is not known as particularly healthful, with dietary staples consisting of cured meats, rich cheeses, and fried foods. Whole grains and kale are just not a thing in Spain. My señoraalso admitted she “didn’t care to eat healthy,” and looked at me like I was a maniac when I told her some of my favorite foods were raw veggies and plain, grilled chicken.

I didn’t want to offend her, so I ate her greasy empanadas and oil-soaked lettuce for five months straight. I took full advantage of Salamanca’s bustling nightlife scene, and spent many nights drinking cocktails served by the liter and scarfing down doner kebabs at four in the morning. All of this la vida loca left me with a new reality: I was more than 15 pounds heavier. 

Great, I thought, I can’t even have an eating disorder correctly.

During the semester, I kept telling myself to ignore the weight gain and just enjoy my time in Europe. Everyone gets a little pudgy when they study abroad, right? Coming back to America was a crash-landing back to reality. If gaining weight induced my anxiety, then the process of losing it drove me absolutely crazy. I had always been body-conscious, but now I was obsessive about my appearance.

As punishment, I mistreated my body in the worst ways. I starved myself, often jerking awake at 6 a.m. from hunger pangs. I experimented with bulimia, but could never even binge enough to induce vomiting. Great, I thought, I can’t even have an eating disorder correctly. For one entire summer, I cut out carbs entirely — and I mean entirely.

I gave myself migraines from messing with my blood sugar levels. If I was going out, I just wouldn’t eat, because I didn’t want to “look chubby.” Spending two hours at the gym, seven days-a-week, was standard. It only took me a few months to lose my “Spain weight,” but I kept pushing my body harder, masquerading my disordered behaviors as “physical fitness.”

I hit rock-bottom when I nearly fainted at the gym. My research meeting ran later than expected, and it was almost time to meet a friend for dinner. I was starving. I can’t eat dinner if I don’t do at least a high-intensity power lift routine, I frantically thought as I raced to the gym. The thought of only working out for only 45 minutes induced sheer panic in me. Mid-way through my work-out, I got dizzy and lightheaded from doing a set hang-cleans and almost dropped the bar on myself. I was so weak from hunger I couldn’t even clear 65lbs ― something that was once easy for me.

Earlier that day, a girl I barely even knew approached me in awe and said, “Ray, I’ve been meaning to ask you … how did you get so skinny?” At the time, I radiated from her compliment. But now, after fainting in the gym, I just felt like I was cheating myself out of health and happiness. That was my wakeup call; I soon realized that I was merely rationalizing my behavior. After doing some research, I realized that I most likely suffered from Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). Also called OSFED, this diagnosis describes people with eating disorder symptoms not fitting neatly into the “anorexia” or “bulimia” categories. Inconsistent purging behaviors? Anorexia minus the extreme, dangerous weight loss? Obsession with exercise as a form of weight management? Extreme preoccupation with food and physical appearance? It was like someone had studied my behavior over the last few years and created a diagnosis just for me. Most shockingly, I learned that EDNOS is hardly talked about — even though 70 percent of people with an eating disorder fall into the EDNOS category. It is the label for the standard illness of our culture.

Finding a label for my mental health issue was the first step in overcoming it. For me, the biggest obstacle was admitting I had an eating disorder in the first place. I was so consumed with the idea that my fit, muscular body was the paragon of health that the idea that I had an eating disorder was just out of the question.

In an effort to get healthy, I started doing more research and spoke to a therapist about my issues. I made a conscious effort to be mindful of my food choices by strategically planning my meals, helping me make sure that my body is taken care of after the gym. I also started testing myself with “cheat meals,” and realized that the world wouldn’t come crashing down if I ate a slice of pizza once in a while. Within months, I started seeing more positive changes in my body. I was eating more, spending less time at the gym, and was looking healthier than ever before — probably because my body wasn’t starving anymore. More importantly, I was no longer obsessing over my body or panicking if I had to skip Leg Day. Of course, when it comes to having an eating disorder, a happy ending is never so simple. I still fight the body image issues that I’ve dealt with since middle school. But one of the best ways I now combat these negative thoughts is by focusing on what my body can do, rather than just how it looks. After all, this is the body that ran a half-marathon, loves to paddle board, and has played in countless field hockey games. I should be proud of it, and treat it kindly.

Images: Ray Gallagher

If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://huff.to/2iodaVq