#truly fuck this fucking pandemic
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where is my fat husband
#stream#i’m lonely !!!! i want a man !!!!!!#me: where’s my man#me at the same time: not leaving the house nor dating apps & also is having a mental breakdown everyday while self medicating#also i’m 90% sure my meds are starting to fail again ALSKALKSLAKSLAKLSAKLSMAKSKK#ANYWAY#i didn’t even go to gay bars when i was allowed to drink like 😭😭😭#it’s all a bunch of straight people#there’s no point#like i constantly here old queens going ‘young gays don’t do xyz’ or ‘don’t know how to xyz’ like ok girl its because that shit died like#idk probably before the pandemic truly it was dying but the pandemic was the nail in the coffin like girl …….. i turned 21 a month into#lockdowns like#ok so i did stuff illegally & went to other shit but it still was straight bars 90% of the time there’s like 6 gay bars in houston total 😭😭😭#like idk what they expect like if … those venues aren’t there & are increasingly AGAINST doing the goofy tings …. how would the YOUNG KNOW#like at this point idk i truly think that it’s kinda on the elders at this point ALSKALSKLAKSAKSLAN like yea they’re boomers at the end of#the day so like i’m not saying that they didn’t have it hard they did they did ok but. get over it ? ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLA like alright … but#i’m saying this as someone who knows the history & bullshit like ok yea everyone needs to understand what it’s like to have your community#die before ur eyes but at the same time. there’s no community now ? ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLLA like girl …#girl …….#yall HAD a community but now all that shit is gone & none of us young ppl have any funds to make that 😭😭😭#like girl i have 12$ in my bank account i dream of being able to rent a flat at some point like a ONE BEDROOM u know W A LIVING ROOM & yall#own rentals so like this is UP TO YALL …..#like ur the problem ? 😭😭😭😭😭#@gays for trump & loghouse republicans i’m looking at YALL#a lot of these mfs are liberal too - pro invasion of iraq democrat back the blue bootlickin NIMBA faggots 😭😭😭💔#anyway that’s just me bitching#i’ve been so fucking IRRITABLE today
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Gangnam Style turned 12 yesterday and I saw a twitter post like that was the closest we ever got to world peace and like sure but we coulda actually ACHIEVED world peace if the dance for That That had been easier and more memeable because it’s objectively a better song and it should have been more popular in the US than it fucking was
#she speaks#I love Gangnam Style I truly do#but that that is so good and so fun it’s not fair :(#like seriously I gave precisely no fucks about kpop back in 2012#and even I got swept up in the Gangnam Style shit#but like kpop was way more mainstream two years ago and I heard exactly Jack shit about that that#it never hit the mainstream here and that’s just sad to me#it even has a yoongi laugh in it like c’mon :((((#coulda been an end of pandemic anthem in the west but OH NO#instead we just had a bunch of fuckass celebrities singing imagine on zoom
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i have little to no interest in the TV albums & obviously agree that the constant repackaging of what is essentially the same content with minor aesthetic changes is a cynical cash grab slash frantic bid to remain in the cultural conversation continuously at all costs, but it is also VERY rich to suggest she isn’t creating…enough art? lmao
#you are feeding directly into this cycle#she puts out music (original music - even putting TVs aside w/ the exception of vault tracks#although much as i fundamentally dislike the whole deal it does take..considerable time & effort to rerecord your entire body of work)#at a truly alarming fucking pace lol#like by all means condemn her ever increasing greed#but i would say she puts out PLENTY of original music regardless. especially considering her tour schedule#which is physically demanding to an unprecedented degree#this is literally the exact kind of sentiment that’s pushed her into churning out music like a well oiled machine#instead of sitting with her art like she was able to do w/folkmore in the relative privacy of the early pandemic#anyway. not even a DEFENSE just a what the fuck are you talking about lol#like how much MORE does this woman have to do to satisfy you people#she’s recorded EIGHT albums in the past four years half of which were brand new
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breaking my own heart bc ive completely missed the opportunity to be part of something time and time again when the fact of the matter is it's a miracle i'm alive right now and i shouldnt be grieving what i wish i could be part of when theres so much in my life im so lucky to have. that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt though
#and like. what would i have done if those last 2 years of college weren't lost to the pandemic lmao. would that have changed everything.#ugh idk im so in my head about my entire self and life i feel so sick. need to focus on the basic things. but i dont feel like im living#like im truly just surviving right now.#personal#a big part of this is sobriety. like i have to shoot my social life and my youth in the head so i dont die. fucking sucks
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#i truly wish my piece of shit father would die like. he went out and got some mystery flu like illness and is going around the house hacking#up shit from his throat and spitting it and blowing his nose on towels and shit and touching every surface and handle and not washing his#hands and lowkey like. me catching something like this after my surgery could get really bad really fast because of my stitches holding my#organs in and not being able to clear my lungs re:stitches and will just like drown in my sleep or whatever and i cant even bring myself to#be upset because he is an antivaxer who did this shit all pandemic long and ive just always assumed there's the possibility that i could#die just from him being the biggest most narcissistic inconsiderate piece of shit he can possibly be and like made my peace with it#like yeah i guess i might die from having a piece of shit father who dosent care if i live or die#god i wish i wasnt trapped here and could go back to my apartment but i still struggle with literally everything 😭😭😭#lowkey want to die in my sleep i hate this fucking shithole place so much
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also cringefail double vent posting over things that are not actually that big of a deal once again lol but i am so fucking miserable today in ways i don’t even know how to articulate. i need to move out. i know exactly where i want to live but they raised rent $300 and i can’t afford that but i want to live by myself so badly but my parents are adamant that i can’t bc i can’t drive and im a “diminutive inexperienced young woman” and i want to punch something. i read half of the drivers manual and cried reading it which is fucking stupid bc it s just the drivers manual. but i want to move out so bad. i hate sharing a room with my sister and im not getting the new room anymore bc we don’t have money to finish it up bc my mom is still sick and no one knows what’s wrong with her and she has to get all these tests. i never have a space i can go to that’s just quiet. i don’t want noise. i don’t want to block out noise with more noise. i want QUIET. i don’t want to be afraid to go into rooms or hear noises i don’t want to hear. and i don’t want to be living here for the three extra months it’ll take me to ng et my permit. im just done. i don’t want to live here!!! and things at work suck and are exhausting and draining and so unbearably overwhelming and i feel terribly lonely and disconnected from everyone and small and scared and i don’t have energy to fix any of it or explain what’s going on or ask for help or get a therapist or whatever. and i keep pulling muscles in my neck. and i want to go to sleep!!!!!!
#purrs#also 3 years ago today i found out i was getting sent home from brighton because of covid. FUCK covid. i am so lucky i haven’t gotten covid#and i hope i never ever get it but this pandemic truly ruined my life in some ways. why am i 24 sobbing hysterically over studying for a#test 15 year olds pass with ease. why am i terrified to step out into the world and do whatever. because being locked down for a fucking#year and a half made me lose hope over and over again until i couldn’t bear to have hope anymore that’s why. and now i guess i can again but#there’s nothing there to work with and part of me doesn’t want to work with anything anyway. i just am stuck in survival mode. i don’t want#to just survive. but every day is like being blasted with a firehose and im exhausted and overstimulated all the time and nothing feels#fully real and i just don’t have the energy to try to change things so i surrender to it or something. idk. it’s not like im the only person#experiencing that and that should help. but it doesn’t. im so angry about what this fucking nightmare pandemic stole from me and how i will#never recover from it or if i do it wont be for decades probably. and i can do things to fix it all right now but instead i want to be angry#delete later#also i probably will never feel comfortable being around even 1 person without an n95 mask even if covid goes away. which it won’t. so lol
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everything feels like it's falling apart,,
#☕️ | chatter#chise go to BEEEEEDDDDDD#hhhhhh i'm just#ive been thinkingnabout how i speak sometime s#and imnsorry ifni ever made anyone uncomfortable because i can get pretty sarcastic#sometimes?? maybe#i dont knwo#im sleepy...goodnight to people ?#ior good morning! idk#ior...iori...oh my god i forgot about iori my little guy my silly oc#i need to redesign him....#funny how i was unapologetically the most sarcasting little shit in junior high and then completely lost the sass in shs because of the fuck#ing pandemic man. i wanna be a little shit again#or not...i may have been roasting the class pres and he sent me to help clean woth the library when the tracher asked of someone was naughty#is naughty even the right wordi cant remember fuck i hate language barriers and words fhat can never truly be expressed#like?? to fully understand something in another language translating it isnt enough you need to#actually learn the langauge#because the contecnt and context and everything is just..lost#some words are not translated correctly to what it actually means andit frustrates me#gods punishment for the tower of babel isnsntupid iland i hate him for it#also like ive been asking people if jesus had a choice in becoming sacrifice and my granma said no and shes religous so nowni feel bad for#him bevaus ehe had no choice ornsomething idunno im itred#gnnfor reals#im sory agaij im just#i dontnknkw whay im supposed to be doing#taling with new people are jard so im so sordh#if i sound weird#im not very good at speaking with new people
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guess who just became the first person in her family line to get a college degree?
#its me#i truly do not give a shit about college education#but i do hope that i started a trend for my own kids#one of them wants to be a nasa scientist and work in the JPL#but i did it#at 32 years old with two young kids after fighting cancer and an accident that left me with both temporary and long term disabilities#with adhd and depression and working a full time job and getting two kids through a pandemic and getting myself through a pandemic#i fucking did this
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#getting a new job w really good health insurance probably (finally) means i can get back into therapy#which......thank fuck lmfao#i have been an anxious mess for so long i don't even remember what it's like not to feel that way#never truly relaxing bc i'm always finding new things to worry about#it's always been bad but the pandemic made it so much worse#but therapy is so goddamn expensive lol#i just want to not lose entire days panicking anymore#just want to be able to enjoy days off like actually enjoy them without incessant worry#so here's hoping for that in 2023 ig
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3 days later and im still mentally drained frm talking to my autism coach aka having an unwanted discussion bc she decided to bring up the usual faux concern for my mental health and how i isolate myself, after she literally made me sad and pissed off by pushing me again abt when ill stop wearing masks, and spouting the typical bullshit everyone says like 'it's proven covid is just a flu now' and when i try to refute anything that the shitty fucking dutch government and corrupted health orgs say w no proof, she went again like 'you don't have to make this about politics' and 'that's how you think about it but not everyone sees it that way' etc etc and when i talked abt disabled friends nd family nd what the effects of long covid are she pretended to understand but she DOESN'T bc she wants me to stop wearing masks 'bc it's not required anymore' and so does my other autism coach want me to and so do my doctors and colleagues and my vulnerable parents who i've regrettably now even stopped masking around bc my dad just gets pissed off and my mom got too sad we couldnt kiss e/o on the cheeks and they don't Get it and always kept asking why i wouldnt eat or drink w them at home nd i was honestly FINE MENTALLY abt al this crap bc i try not to think abt it too much and just be doube masked in public transport and go about my day but then this fucking piece of scum that plays the same record over and over like every dumb fucking dutchie who think the govt and 'being Normal' is sacred urghgh anyway good night!!!
#rambles#'we're just having a discussion :)' i didn't WANT a discussion i old u this like 5 fucking times#i truly hate these ppl but im so relient on them and i know theres nowhere where autism helpers wear masks#everyone is so antimask including the medical world i hate it#YES i know i should blame the govt but boy i sure deal w everyday ppl who talk in their favour#i dont want to use the word gaslighting lightly but it rlly feels like it#ppl act like im fcking nuts for not wanting to get infected or thinking the pandemic never ended#meanwhile they talk abt the huge labour shortages w/o thinking further
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It truly says something about my childhood that even now, as I am forced to quarantine to a truly unbearable extent bc covid is trying to kill me really hard, im still less lonely and isolated than I was back then
#things are really bad but like i got people who love me#even though the hoops they have to go through to keep me alive in a way that is bearable are INSANE!!!!#truly we are living through unbearable times and completely erased from public view#i could have a life! if society cared about the pandemic#but you know im trying to make it out alive and hopeful with some quality of life#working on it!#im supposed to give a talk at a conference and i just want to scream#like im dying!!! im half dead!!!! what are we eve doing!!!! every day theres more of us!!!!!#you cant even utter the word prevention in Healthcare and academic circles its maddening#hey the best way for people not to get debilitating long covid#is to stop covid!!!!!!!!!!#we need a political movement!!! what are we even doing!!!!!!!!!!#i was just put in a saw trap TWICE and i dont know if i can come back!!!!!!!#anyway surviving the plague is such a fucking despairing grind#when most people want you actively dead so you can stop reminding them of the plague
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nothing makes me feel ill like the old college experience
#bring back the 2000s#give me the old spring breaking#give me the party days#i went to a party school and it still didn’t feel like what it should’ve been#truly and deeply fuck covid#ik this is such a selfish vent but im wine-tipsy and watching the scooby doo movie#i wish i got to do spring break at spooky island#the pandemic rlly did change everything for the worse#only good thing was learning how to skateboard and spending the pandemic with friends but gd do i wish it ended before college#vent
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BADLY need this trip to the woods+wetlands today.
#I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind. People are driving me insane#work is driving me insane. unending crimes against humanity and genocide are driving me insane#the medical system in the US is driving me insane. the neverending pandemic with ppl truly believing it’s over is driving me insane.#etc. fuck. If I don’t see a fucking turtle today I’m throwing myself into the marsh and am laying in it until a snapping turtle gets me#might delete later lmao limited edition insane post
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mutuals, a proposition. what if i went off the grid and blinked out of existence and cartwheeled into a pool of lava also. i am thinking this may be my best option given the stakes and the circumstances
#i don’t want to say it bc a lot of good things have happened this year but nonetheless i truly think 2022 has been one of the worst years#of my life. at least in terms of my mental health. like the unease and guilt and shame i am feeling currently cannot be understated lol!#delete later#purrs#naur bc how is it that everything was so good in 2019 and then since then my mental health has gone extremely downhill even though im not in#school anymore and lived by myself two times and made the closest friendships of my life and have been in counseling for 4 years. lol#like yeah there’s a pandemic and redacted redacted redacted smaller more personal horror. but i shouldn’t get like this. i shouldn’t turn#into a monster and hurt people i love or hide from them so i won’t. that’s not okay and i don’t know how it happened but i want it to stop.#this cannot continue but i don’t know how to make it so. all i know is my heart hurts so bad and my head is spinning except not necessarily#in the dizzy way just in the god i am a fucking mean and cruel and horrible person way. awesome. love that#like when it gets to the point that not even video games or sleep or talking about it will make the ceaseless agony cease… that means it’s r#really ceaseless. and that is not good at all! i think i need a psychiatrist. or a lobotomy. or the aforementioned lava pool cartwheel even.
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the news is doing a 2023 recap and they’re like “after three years the pandemic finally ended this year” as we are currently in a wave 😐 ok
#and im also very mad about new years#cause like. here’s to another year of life getting ripped away from me bc the world refuses to actually end the pandemic!!!!#i’ll continue trying to hope for the best but it’s been really fucking hard#anyway. if we all work together (wear masks vaccinate test etc) we can make 2024 a truly happy and healthy year!!!!#if you stopped masking you should start again in 2024. a good resolution would be to keep yourself and others safe!
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