#tried to experiment w perspective a bit w this one cause i struggle w it a lot

[teddiecircus]

hi chidori fans

[snickiebear]

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you. 

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them. 

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are. 

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok 

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn 

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL. 

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A. 

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH. 

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about. 

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it. 

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay. 

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time. 

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps. 

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing. 

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA  

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.” 

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic. 

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

[fic-pickyourpoison]

so many questions but I must resist asking for spoilers 1. What was Law thinking when Lami wore gloves & mask? cause he imitated her after (so cute) 2. When Law was upset w/ Lami leaving how did their parents handle him & how did he handle it? he DID make new friends so it was good for him right LOL 3. if Lami told/hinted about the lead early on, maybe "lied" like "I heard rumors in school". (Not a total lie bc madeline totally knew! She alluded to it when Lami got sick) would it help?

Oh, interesting questions anon! I hope this answers what you were looking for!

1. What was Law thinking when Lami wore gloves & mask?

There isn’t much to this answer, honestly. Kids tend to copy each other all the time, since they are in experimental phases and trying to figure out themselves and the world around them. Upon Lami’s explanation, Law thought that “huh, it makes sense” that she would do this. Alongside this, he thought that imitating her behaviour would also garner the same approval and support that their parents expressed in her.

Law and Lami lean on and copy each other’s behaviours sometimes, though I think this is one of the most apparent since it shows up in the prologue.

2. When Law was upset w/ Lami leaving how did their parents handle him & how did he handle it?

Hm, this is a bit tricky to answer because it spans over the course of three or so years... I’ll try to be concise. 

Their parent’s reacted very differently in response to this, which stems from the fact that they had different opinions on whether Lami should leave or not. Their father tried his best to explain to Law why Lami wanted to leave, why she should leave, why it’s good that she left, what Law can gain from this experience, etc. This, however, proved to be no better than Lami’s own attempts of articulating and arguing her case to Law. It felt more like them trying to “fix” his emotions problem, which just aggravated his hurt feelings. Their mother handled the situation much more tactfully; she listened to his grievances, offered comfort, and didn’t force him into anything he didn’t feel comfortable with. She let Law make the choice of staying home when Lami left; allowed him the choice to come with them when Lami came back home.

However, this was a long process. While Lami and their father wanted to “fix” things right away, their mother knew that Law needed time. Through this, she afforded him the agency of being allowed to hurt, and allowed to express his feelings as such.

We don’t really see it much from Lami’s perspective, but Law never really got over the fact that Lami continuously chose to leave— especially when it became apparent in the final year that she didn’t actually enjoy St. Monroe’s. He was well aware of the fact that the school was stressing her out and never understood why she would choose that over their loving family. At first he believed that she didn’t really care about them— she had never given the indication that she did love them, after all— but grew more confused as time went on and she started becoming more affectionate and communicative.

Another thing that we didn’t really get to see from Lami’s perspective— Law did end up having friends and grew, as a person, from the experience. He grows “off-screen”, so to say, which bothers Lami consistently throughout the story. In contrast, Lami ended up with no one (besides Law) and while she has changed she still holds the same traits at her core. I think it’s quite telling about their personalities.

3.  if Lami told/hinted about the lead early on, would it help?

Honestly, this is waaaay too vague to answer seriously— the situation certainly wasn’t as black and white as Lami painted it. There was a chance that she could have helped the country, but it was also a situation that could have ended up much, much worse if handled poorly. 

Good or bad— Lami, instead, chose neither. She did nothing. 

It was the safe choice, all things considered. 

From an objective standpoint, the government and the nobles of Flevance would not allow the knowledge of Amber Lead to surface. This ties in some with their mother’s research on the subject, but they knew how to keep the information at bay. It wasn’t like the WG was simply trying to divert eyes or avoid the issues all together; they had inside workers who were purposely giving false information and results to scientists and doctors alike. Their mother spent nearly a year dealing with red tape and obscure laws and restrictions in order to even understand the medical anomaly that she had accidentally stumbled across while doing some personal studies. But even then it was a struggle to acquire funding and support in order to keep the research project up- it wasn’t until she decided to say “fuck it” that she started to understand the situation; just how deep the corruption went and how far Flevance was willing to go to cover it up.

I doubt that Lami could have seriously convinced anyone that Amber Lead was poisoning the citizens by saying that she heard it through a rumour. She would have to have evidence— something that she, personally, did not want to risk since her information relies on her reincarnation. At some point she might have been able to convince Law and their mother, but she wouldn’t have been able to convince the entire kingdom. Best case scenario their parents send Law and Lami away be safe while they stay in Flevance to find a cure; worst case scenario the WG finds out about a budding revolution and pull out the good ole golden den den mushi.

Even now, with the pictures she took of the genocide, Law and Lami will have a difficult time trying to explain what really happened to Flevance. 

The truth of the matter is that the regular people of the One Piece world don’t really want the truth. They want what is comfortable and convenient. Trying to fight against this reality would(will) be incredibly difficult— something that Lami, at this age, had(has) little hope of achieving.

[neo-nymph]

NCT NSFW: KUN

Goddamnit I fucking love Kun :’)

A – Aftercare

May or may not know exactly what to do. He tries tho.

Another member I see being soft afterward and really just wants to cuddle more than anything. Doesn’t want you sleeping in a messy state so he gives you a warm bath. Takes off your make-up (if any of it survived), fixes your hair the best he can, moisturizes you skin, all that cute shit. Asks if you want anything else; water, a snack, cuddles, etc. If not he’ll just throw on the tv and hold you til you fall asleep

B – Body part

On you, maybe your hands. Not for any particular reason, he just likes playing with them randomly and feeling them on his chest when you hug him from behind.

Oh himself, probably him arms. They’re not too big, not too small. Just the perfect amount of definition.  

C – Cum

Pulls out purely so he can shoot his cum on your pussy. Literally rubs it around your lips like his dick is a paintbrush. I can see him being into creampies as well. Not really into having it anywhere else cause he’s not a fan of the mess.

D – Dirty Secret

Step-sibling porn; wouldn’t tell anyone cause he doesn’t wanna seem like a creep. This sounds so basic and common but I can see this being his go-to category.

E – Experience

Not a virgin but not super experienced. Likely slept with 2 maybe 3 women so he knows the basics but could still use some guidance.

F – Favorite Position

You riding him; his hands are gripping your hips and his eyes are glossing over every bit of you there is to see. He loves to lay underneath you as it gives him the perfect view of everything. Your pussy sliding up and down his slick length, your breasts bouncing and jiggling about, the expressions on your pleading face. It’s like he has a front row seat to the show you put on especially for him.

G – Goofy

He is leading up to the act. When your kissing and taking off clothes he’s probably a giggly mess smiling into his kisses and such. Leads a little bit into foreplay with some corny compliments to make you blush but not much past that point.

H – Hair

Trims when he has time cause he prefers it over a bush but doesn’t really make it a priority. Gets a clean shave on special occasions like valentines days or your anniversary just to be extra. Likes when you have a clean shave just cause he finds it cute and likes how smooth it feels on his face and lips but doesn’t ever actually ask you to shave.

I – Intimacy  

He’s a little awkward cause he doesn’t have a ton of experience but he really does try his best to make you feel good. Things get pretty steamy (literally, yall are both sweaty after). Very sensual with a lot of wandering hands and pants. Lots of open mouth kisses.

The type to believe sex is the most connected way of showing intimacy, so he tries his hardest to focus on making you feel good first, but sometimes he gets lost in how snug and tight you are around him. Whenever this happens he loses his sense of control and thrusts a bit harder than normal, eyes shut and jaw tight. All he can think about is how good you feel until you grab his wrist and pull him out of his fantasy. Then he’s back to focusing on you.

Non-sexual intimacy would mostly consist of back hugs and snuggles. You’ll be in the kitchen or the bathroom just doing whatever and he’ll wrap his arms around you from behind, resting his face in the warmth of your neck and leaving some gentle kisses. Other times will appear more nonchalant, like holding you close when you're watching a movie. It might not seem like much from someone else’s perspective, but to him, sitting there underneath blankets with his cheek being tickled by your hair, listening to your laughs with your head on his chest is where he feels most in love with you.

J – Jack-Off

Not too often, just as much as anyone else I feel. Possibly more just cause sometimes he doesn’t wanna ask you to help him out if the mood isn’t right. Like if it’s cold out and you’re cuddling while watching a cute movie he’ll excuse himself to the bathroom cause he doesn’t wanna ruin such an adorable moment.

Gets off to common porn, like step-siblings, college girls, solo girls, etc. Mostly goes for videos of you on his phone tho.

K – Kink

Light BDSM. Tying your hands behind you or using something to gag you. Likes hearing your moans muffled and watching you struggle with your arms bind from use, especially when you ride him. It gives him that little bit of control and confidence he needs to get a little bolder and more rough.

L – Limits

Kun is curious but not that adventurous. He’d go along with some of the more basic thrills, not too far past the line of vanilla, but I don’t think he’d be willing to do anything crazier than some roleplay and light bdsm.

M – Motivation (Turn-On)

Sexting in public. Doesn’t matter if you’re in the same room or on opposite sides of the planet. If you send him risky photos with disregard to the fact that he’s in a meeting he gets fired up in less than a minute. He won’t even try to stop you, he encourages you in fact. The risk and taboo of the situation, watching videos of you with your hands in your panties across the table from his boss, demanding you show him just a little bit more, send thrills down his spine like nothing else.  

N – NO (Turn-Off)

Being called Daddy. Outside of the bedroom he’ll laugh at it and throw you a scolding look but he’s not all that into it in a sexual light at all.  

O – Oral

Giving: Soft and gentle. Put your thighs over his shoulders, holds one of your hands while the other plays with your boob. Starts with fat licks just to taste you and warm things up, squeezing your boob in this hand. Then moves on to flicking your clit with the tip of his tongue and sucking on it A LOT. He’s not sure what else to try, but your moaning at his actions spurs him on to continue what he’s doing. Abandons your boob to toy with your clit until you cum but holds your hand the whole time

Receiving: Not sure what to do with his hands. Kinda pets your hair and just watches you with half closed eyes. Might hold your hair out of the way but does it real loose and gentle. Lots of little pants, trying not to be too loud. Groans when he starts getting close and trips over his words when trying to tell you he’s close. Tries not to buck his hips and make you gag but fails. Doesn’t mind if you choose to spit or swallow.  

P – Place

9/10 it’s in the bedroom. Too nervous to do it anywhere that isn’t the dorm or your place. You could maybe persuade him to let you give him a blow job in the bathroom of a public place but he’ll be on edge the whole time.

As for in the house, shower sex occurs every now and then when one of you is feeling frisky or spontaneous. Also on the couch, when you two are home alone; say a sexy scene comes on during a movie, or your ass just feels too perfect on his lap and he can’t wait long enough to get you into the bedroom. 

Q – Quickie  

Not too often. Only in some risky situations that you drag him into if you get him really riled up. *See risk for further explanation*

R – Risk  

The riskiest thing he’ll do it the sexting/watching your videos in public and jacking off in the bathroom as a result. He’ll never be the one to initiate it, but he can’t resist you enough to say no if you want to get dirty in the dorms while the members are home, or blow him in an empty studio or conference room at SM. If he’s super horny or frustrated tho he’ll have a quickie with you in the studio/conference room.

S – Stamina

Maybe 2 rounds

T – Toys  

He’d wear a cock ring if you asked but nothing other than that

U – Unfair [Teasing/Being teased]

Kun isn’t one to tease simply cause he’s not that into the whole begging thing. You could get away with teasing him tho. He hates it when you drag your nails along his length, teasing his tip with the light swipe of your tongue and a peck of your lips, pulling him further and further to the edge just to leave him in agony. Doesn’t have it in him to kill your fun or whip that evil little grin off your face tho. He’ll plead for you to stop with a sad laugh but doesn’t really put forth any effort for you to stop. Once you’re done tho you can bet he’s gonna get more than just a little rough

V – Volume  

Pretty quiet. Doesn’t make a ton of noise other than some loud-ish pants and grunts. Doesn’t talk much either, maybe an “oh god” here and there.

W – Wild Card [Author’s Choice]

I feel like he’s low key a perv.

Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s passing the bathroom one day while your changing with the door cracked open and he stops to watch you and jacks off without you knowing. If he comes home and hears you masturbating you can bet he’s gonna watch you from the door and rub himself until you’re done.

Probably has a folder of NSFW photos and videos of you in his phone for when you guys are apart. Really into you sending him naughty photos and videos of yourself.

X – X-Ray [Dick Size]

Like 5 or 6 inches. Reasonably thick, not too much of a stretch but it’s there.

Y – Yearning [Sex Drive]

Not crazy. Sex happens like 2-3 times a week. Even when he’s on tour he doesn’t get urges very often. Probably only when you send him something scandalous.

Z – Zzz [After Sex]

Honestly I don’t think he’ll be sleepy after unless it’s late at night. He’ll probably be up for a while afterward but doesn’t really have the energy to do anything other than watch a movie. He’ll fall asleep 1 or 2 hours later.

[firebirdsdaughter]

What’s hilarious [read: ridiculous] to me…

… Is that Horobi and Yua actually follow a fairly parallel path in their responses to their situations (I had a whole realisation about how Horobi-Fuwa-Naki-Yua are a four way parallel today; Horobi-Fuwa are parallels and Naki-Yua are parallels, but then their actions crisscross parallel). But there’s a massive double standard in how the two characters are reacted to… Despite the fact that Yua is a fully mentally matured and developed human adult and Horobi is an AI that has been hacked and brainwashed for the past decade in a way that forcibly stunted his development.

Yua was in a horrid and toxic work environment w/ an abusive boss. Now, admittedly, Gai kept a large amount of his worse deeds from her and to a point one could justify it as her thinking she’s acting for the greater good… Until we get to the part where it becomes abundantly clear she knows very well that what they’re doing is at the least morally questionable… But doesn’t try to defect at all, even to the point of insisting it’s of her own free will. Yes, she had a chip in her head, too, but given her reactions to him torturing Fuwa, she doesn’t seem to have known he could do that, and she didn’t know about Naki, nor did she have an AI drone in her mind. Now this is not to blame Yua—in fact, the point is that she was a victim in a bad situation. Her struggle to get out of there was fairly realistic given her situation. But she had the experience to know that what they were doing was wrong. That makes it tragic in it’s own way, yes, that she was under extreme stress and very conflicted, but she was aware of that. She was a fully developed adult. She deliberately pursued Izu w/ the intention of destroying her, and would have had Gai not said the wrong thing and set Fuwa off. And Izu was frightened and trying to run away. She resists Fuwa’s repeated attempts to snap her out of it.

Rightly so, people noted Yua’s situation, were upset for her and felt bad for her. When there were jackasses saying she should die, people called it out as bad. People were cheering for her to get away from Gai. People were happy when she did. And this includes me. I blocked people I saw shitting on Yua and saying she should die bc what the fuck, guys, she was in a seriously messed up situation.

Once free of Gai, Yua is uncertain what to do and decides to try and ‘make up’ for something she feels responsible for in a rather questionable way. She ends up helping the Ark rise and wreak havoc. Still people recognise that she couldn’t have known that would happen. Poor Yua’s been through a lot.

Meanwhile, Horobi is hacked and brainwashed by the Ark twelve years ago. She uses him to cause Daybreak. He is an AI being controlled by a larger AI designed to control HumaGear like him. Unlike and adult human being pressured and manipulated, he is literally incapable of thinking outside the Ark’s will. The Ark has complete control. Even if he did have any experience to compare w/ before, the Ark erases it. He has no frame of reference besides the Ark, no development of any kind to evaluate his situation w/. Even when Jin becomes important to him, everything is through the lens of the Ark, the Ark is more than a god to him. The brainwashing is so deep that even when disconnected for a bit, he can’t be anything besides blindly devoted. Talks about how the Ark is absolute. When confronted w/ something that causes uncertainty, he goes into a full on mental breakdown—literally, should have been a first clue that emotions were never going to come easy for him.

Eventually, he does end up w/ enough experience to just start to begin to break free. Manages to act completely on his own for the first time in his life—not an instinct that the Ark swooped in to take advantage of, he gets to go through w/ it on his own. And he’s floored. He literally cannot fathom why his body moved on its own, as far as he can tell. Can’t understand the fact that he wanted to do something. This is recognised as a big deal (one of the only times anyone tries to actually talk him out of things, in fact, unlike Yua, where there was a lot of effort). Horobi begins to wonder about things outside the Ark’s will, about himself, which he’s never considered before… Only to have it turn out his son was plotting to have the Ark possess him and then kill him to kill her. This completely upends any development he had. He’s re-hacked and rendered as largely a drone when not being possessed.

Finally, someone decides to put effort into him (kinda…) again. And, in a situation that heavily parallels Yua, he ends up finding it in him to break free of the Ark. Only… Again, a lot like Yua, it’s not a clean break. He’s still stuck w/ the past, the conditioning, and the effects of what happened. Additionally, as later becomes clear, his struggling w/ feeling emotions, which he has been carefully conditioned to reject and have no experience w/, for the first time. He’s mentally unstable and volatile. Now, in the show, what happens is the result of Azu/the Ark’s manipulations and people making poor decisions (and I do think you can make an argument for the fact that the Ark was intentionally keeping Horobi from feeling/having any experience w/ emotions to make him even more of a wreck later on), and poking a very volatile bear (well, a highly traumatised child soldier AI who has no fucking clue what emotions are to the point it feels like an outside being controlling him somehow), he lashes out, and Izu calmly stands there and deliberately takes a hit she very clearly sees coming. General chaos ensues. From Horobi’s perspective, the thing he’s been trained to think will get rid of the uncertainty and emotions etc. not only doesn’t work, but it makes him feel worse, and bc he has no other way he knows how to respond, he becomes more aggressive in rejecting those feelings. And then Jin dies, and he completely breaks down.

The reaction he gets? People calling him evil and horrible and saying he should die. That e’s choosing to do these things. People who talk about how Yua can’t really be held accountable, how she was coerced, look at a literal brainwash victim and say he choose to do those things.

Now, obviously, there are differences, which resulted in the different out comes—obviously the whole, one is a fully developed human adult and the other one is an AI. One was externally conditioned, the other, again, literally brainwashed. One had someone fighting to convince them to break free of their situation on a regular basis, repeatedly, constantly, the other didn’t. Yua was always going to have an easier break than Horobi, bc she had more mental and emotional maturity, but bc of that, esp in regards to actions done whilst under the ‘control’ of others, she has more responsibility for her actions bc she was capable of identifying them as wrong.

Now, of course, both situations are bad for the people involved. Both of them are victims.

But the issue is that people seem to be all over how Yua was a victim, Yua was mistreated… While attacking Horobi (and being upset about Izu dying is one thing, although, again, the person really responsible for that was Azu/th ark(well, Gai for creating her), Horobi was pretty much used as a weapon there, but this is for stuff he did while mind controlled).

And I used Yua just bc she and Horobi had the most parallel responses to their situations. The same goes for being able to see Fuwa as a victim, or Naki (so if Naki is the one who gave Horobi the ZetsumeRise Keys, does that make them responsible for Operation MaGear, or bc they gave Horobi the ForceRiser and said to use it on Jin, are they responsible for that? Bc that’s the logic of blaming Horobi for Daybreak), or Raiden, or even Aruto for that time he got hijacked via MCH. Any of the hacked HumaGear who were turned into MaGear.

Just… The concept of seeing how all of those people are victims in the situation… But blaming Horobi? Like… Not being interested in Horobi is one thing. Obviously, no on is going to be as madly in love w/ him as I am. It’s the act of not recognising him as being a victim while recognising everyone in similar situations as victims. It’s saying he was responsible for Daybreak, treating him like the Ark’s will was his (I’m literally having flashbacks to comments calling Horobi’s whole death ‘Horobi’s plan,’ even though by that point we literally knew the Ark was an entity that existed). Like… They literally confirmed it in show as not being that. Horobi is a mind control victim. What someone’s personal opinion of the character outside of that is another matter. But the fact is that he was mind controlled by the Ark and that the things he did under her control cannot be objectively called things he chose to do. Whether someone thinks he would have chosen them if he weren’t mind controlled… Esp given how all his actions of own choice were about protecting Jin, I personally disagree. But the show has been very explicit that he was mind controlled, and that he had no clue how to handle emotions (to the point he didn’t even seem to know what they are), so being able to understand that all those other people, esp the ones who went through similar things, are victims… But Horobi’s to blame for what he did? That’s just ridiculous.

And don’t even get me started on how anyone could ever see Gai as being a bigger victim than Horobi.

[asiryn]

so, i just started playing the ffvii remake! it’s taken me a while to get going on this, despite my HYPE, bc i couldn’t order it physically online, so then i had to download it, which took days, plus general physical disability stuff, but i’ve finally got to sit down with it!

i’ll be talking about some of my thoughts and initial impressions behind a cut, just so i don’t spoil anybody. i’m currently towards the beginning of chapter 3,  but i’ll probably mention full original ffvii spoilers, so if the remake is your first time with this story....beware of that :P

i got to say, i’m loving this experience so far. here’s a list of Thoughts:

- one gripe that i have is that i HATE that the attack button is square, when in most ps games it’s the x button (especially since the kh3 dlc was the last console game i played), so like....that muscle memory is biting me in the ass with this game, lmao. i’ll have to be careful to not play any other ps game while i’m playing this, so i can get into the rhythm of this battle system, and not keep tripping myself up (.....and then after i’m done with this game, that new muscle memory’s going to trip me up in the next game i play, probably XDD)

- one thing that i’ve noticed, at least so far, is that there aren’t that many new things, but rather....it’s just expanding on what was already there. like, the fact that what avalanche did in bombing reactors wasn’t necessarily a good thing, and that had drastic consequences for the ppl of midgar, was definitely an element in the original game, and cait sith even called barret out on it towards the end on the highwind, but bc we saw so relatively little of midgar, and bc of the hardware and graphical limitations, you never truly felt much of that impact. most of it you had to pick up from npcs, and you had to deliberately talk to them (bc everything was text boxes, back in yonder year) to get that dialogue. in the remake, tho....it’s all fully realized and reflected in the environment, and even if you don’t seek out the npcs, you’ll still hear snatches of their conversations as you go by them, so you can’t completely tune it out

- building off of that last point, we’re also spending much more time with jessie especially, but also biggs and wedge, and it’s taking the time to allow them to dwell on the consequences of their actions, and you can actually see them struggling with the weight of that. they’re trying to keep faith in their higher cause of saving the planet (which they are more right about it than even they know), and yet they’re having to ask themselves whether the ends truly justify the means

- and the scene on the train with barret and those managers really helps to show why they don’t come across so good to others; even tho i know for a fact that shinra’s evil, even i was like....barret, this is why ppl are so willing to believe the picture shinra’s painting, you’re not exactly covering yourself in glory here 

- also, avalanche.....could you guys be any more obvious that you’re behind it all?

- with that initial scene of heidegger and president shinra....it’s interesting that they’re incorporating a bit of the ffvii compilation canon, w/ there being a different avalanche that tried to assassinate him before. makes me wonder how tf nibelheim’s going to go down, bc i swear, it was different in every version

- also, interesting that they had president shinra order to make that reactor explosion worse. there was nothing of the sort implied in the original game, but considering that this is the guy who will order the sector 7 plate to be dropped onto the slums and frame avalanche for it, it’s definitely in-character

- this whole ‘ghosts’ subplot seems to be new, and i can’t think of anything that it’s building off of from the original, unless if we count the fact that there were enemies called ghosts that you could fight in the train graveyard, so.....?? intrigued to see where it’s going

- i also LOVE that they’re showing just how clearly cloud is traumatized, and by nibelheim especially, and that he’s getting realistically triggered by things, like the fires in sector 8

- i still don’t really know what’s going on with the seph hallucinations (are they hallucinations?? it can’t be jenova in the guise of seph yet, can it??), but i’m very curious

- also, they’re adding in the seph clones even earlier, and i’m also loving how this is unfolding so far (i stopped just after that encounter, right when cloud’s getting up the next day after the reactor bombing). i also loved that they used the “trail of blood” music, as it’s a nice hint that it’s connected to sephiroth. and at least in this case, cloud seeing seph in that clone makes a lot of sense

- in general, they seem to be adding in more realism, like tifa finding cloud a place to stay for the night, instead of him just....sleeping in the corner of avalanche hq XD

- i love that we’re getting to see more of barret being a good dad to marlene 💖💖💖

- i also love the little hints they’re dropping about how something’s Not Right with cloud....first him not knowing his own age, and also tifa being confused when he said that it’s been 5 years (when of course, from her perspective, it’s been 7), and then there was the shinra guard who clearly recognized him. even tho square had to know that probably a lot of ppl have already played the original game, they’re still not skimping on laying out those clues

- this game is utterly breathtaking, btw. like, man, being in the slums, and then looking up at the sky and only seeing the plate, is seriously creepy. not to mention the brief glimpse of nibelheim that we got in that little flashback!!! i know this is only supposed to be part 1, and just going through all the events in midgar, but MAN i can’t wait to see the rest of the world realized like this. no wonder this game’s gonna be too big to fit on one disc, it’s so massive, especially to recreate it on this scale

- i love aerith forever, she’s so beautiful i’m cry 💖😭💖😭

- also....curious that a seph hallucination showed up when cloud met aerith, and interacted with her a bit.......hmmm

i think that’s all my thoughts for now. loving the way this is expanding the game so far, and can’t wait to see where it goes (and even tho i do know the major story events....can’t wait to see them done justice)!

[thecoleopterawithana]

Love your blog! I was wondering if you’ve read Paul’s PR guy’s diaries? They are full of little gems, such as how Paul uses smileys and is very handy with his iPhone. I read this entry and the guy writes Paul lost “a soulmate and songwriter”. I think it’s quite telling that the people he works with call John his soulmate. Haven’t read all the guy’s entries yet but just wanted to mention this one; it’s the entry about the Freshen Up tour in Japan 2018.

Hey there! I’m so incredibly sorry for taking so long to reply, but life has been truly hectic! 

To answer your question, I hadn’t had the chance to go through Stuart Bell’s accounts of the Japanese leg of the Freshen Up Tour (2018), so I’m grateful you’ve brought this to my attention! He certainly offers a different insight into the inner workings of the tour and how a more than experienced Paul navigates the commotion still with youthful enthusiasm. Even if written with a bit of a “PR hat on”, an amassing of ‘insider’ POVs (from people who were actually there) is invaluable to getting the full picture of Paul McCartney. And as someone who is filled with love every time a new facet is revealed, I appreciate any piece of information that comes my way!  

So I have to agree with you that little anecdotes like these are hidden gems:

The devotion and adoration is incredible and as Paul’s car rolls by this afternoon, the faithful are rewarded as Paul winds down the window and waves. He is so touched, and awed, by the reception that he even shoots some footage as he rolls past the fans. (Later in the week I receive a text from Paul while I am out for a run and it contains the clip. It looks mega so I ask if I can post to his social media – shortly afterwards I receive a smile face. A little-known fact about Paul – he is the master of emojis when text messaging! 

— Wednesday 31st October – Tokyo Dome, For Whom The Bell Tells: Japan 2018.

And then, we have this other entry, that I agree is rather interesting: not only does it give us an ‘insider’s perspective on John’s significance in Paul’s life, but the piece centres on the issue of art as a platform with the power to spread a message, social responsibility, and how the message is something one’s passionate about (Paul being described as “not shying away from wearing his heart on his sleeve” just tickles me):

It barely needs mentioning that music is a huge and central part of Paul’s life but he has never been detached from the wider world. Like many musicians, matters of the heart are a preoccupation in his song-writing but Paul has continued to express his thoughts on life, the world in general and the causes close to his heart through his songs, interviews and other interventions. You can look back to the controversy surrounding his debut single with Wings, 'Give Ireland Back To The Irish’ (a response to the “Bloody Sunday” killings only a few weeks earlier in 1972), as an example of how he does not shy away from wearing his heart on his sleeve. Paul is passionate about many things and his humanity is self-evident. For a man who lost a soulmate and song-writing partner, you can imagine how the horrors of gun violence are an issue close to his heart. Just days ago the world was sickened by the mass shooting in a synagogue in Pittsburgh and so Paul has been keen to make his views known by not only showing his disgust at the attack which left 11 dead but also calling on the US to do the right thing by using their votes in the upcoming election to elect politicians who will do something about it. As I’m on my way to the venue Paul calls me and asks us to release a message in response to the terrible events.  He gives me a quote over the phone and in a rather surreal moment as we chat, I find myself looking out of the car window to see giant posters of Paul across the city with huge welcome messages for him.

—Thursday 1st November – Tokyo Dome, For Whom The Bell Tells: Japan 2018.

But let’s address the bit about his relationship with John. 

Like you, I find very telling the choice of words used here. It just goes to show how themselves and everyone around them have to scramble for a term that adequately describes the ineffability of their connection. It felt so encompassing, that the terms that regularly pop up hold that indescribable aspect in themselves: special, magical, cosmic soulmates. And seeing them struggle to put it into words is one of my favourite things! It’s no surprise then that I have an inordinate amount of overlapping tags covering the numerous nuances of this very same feeling, tracking their various attempts at capturing it.

But for me, it’s even more fascinating to look beyond the external awe-inducing aspect of it  – this special, magical, cosmic glow that draws us to the relationship in the first place  – and see how this notion felt to them; how it impacted the relationship in the first place.

Let’s look from Paul’s perspective first, as it is here, by a matter of the circumstances, that we find more material.

We wrote our first songs together, we grew up together and we lived our lives together. And when we’d do it together, something special would happen. There’d be that little magic spark.

— Paul McCartney, in Bill Harry’s The Paul McCartney Encyclopedia (2003). 

We read each other. We’d grown up together! (…) We’d been teenagers together, I’d been sitting in his bedroom listening to Fats Domino, Chuck Berry, we’d been taking down the words together when we were like 16/17. So we’ve actually grown up together. So that, if he said: “Gotta be like Chuck Berry!” I knew what record he meant. I knew even what line he was talking about! You know? So, we read each other in that respect.

— Paul McCartney, interview for the Today Show (6 July 1997).

With John and I, it was so special, I think both of us knew we couldn’t get that again. And it’s proved itself, through time, to be as special as it felt when we were doing it. So I don’t think that could happen again. We really were a complete fluke – just two kids who happened to meet up in Liverpool and share an interest and start writing songs together. And then developed, organically, together. And had the same sense of humour. And learned things at the same rate. Found out about Vietnam together. Little things. All of these little awarenesses pretty much hit us at the same time over a period of years. And you really become soulmates when that happens.

— Paul McCartney, interview w/ Mark Binelli for Rolling Stone: Sir Paul rides again. (October 20th, 2005)

No matter what’s happened, even though John’s dead, I don’t feel like we are ever gonna be apart. I think we’re a part of each other’s lives, we’re a part of each other’s karma, man!

He was a lovely guy, you know. And it gets sadder and sadder to be saying “was”. Nearer to when he died I couldn’t believe I was saying “was”, but now I do believe I’m saying “was”. I’ve resisted it. I’ve tried to pretend he didn’t get killed… it’s a bit sad. But anyway, I was blessed to be in The Beatles, to work with John. Something, somewhere… you know they talk about a gift of songwriting, well that was a pretty cool gift whoever gave it me.

— Paul McCartney, interview w/ Mat Snow for MOJO (November, 1995).

Paul seems to take a causality approach, with a bit of occasional baffling at the mysterious workings of fate sprinkled in. In typical Macca fashion, he condenses in himself the apparently paradoxical views of people as pavers of their own paths – we became soulmates because of the circumstances, because we chose to spend all that time together – and people as participants in a big cosmic play – we were brought together in the first place by something, somewhere, blessed to be a part of each other’s lives, each other’s karma.

But overall, it is very important to realise that despite attributing the initial circumstances to chance or a higher-power – them meeting at that particular moment and clicking so well immediately – Paul seems to value shared time, space and experiences as some of the biggest factors behind the magic. 

They became soulmates, by virtue of growing up and living their lives together. 

This places the agency and the responsibility of making it work right in their own hands. You want to be that close, that attuned, that in-sync with the other to the point of feeling like you can read each other’s minds? Right, you have to actually spend the time together, to accrue shared references and memories that will end up developing into that unspoken language. You can’t expect to have been born on this planet inherently capable of communicating with your preordained soulmate. 

And that brings us to John. 

John is awesome because despite having all those overpowering emotions and traumas inside him, he wasn’t actually afraid of engaging in some introspection and facing those feelings head-on. Because of this, he was able of evolving much faster (or at least, even when he couldn’t always change his actions, he seemed willing to try and become self-aware enough to understand why he was acting that way in the first place). 

So let’s see, after 40 years of getting to know himself, what answers did Johnny reach:

John: Well, you’re asking why we met. I mean, I don’t know. It’s like asking why you were born. I can give you theories of karmic pasts and things like that, but I’ve no idea why. But why it continues is because we want it to continue and work to continue. There seem to be certain cycles that relationships go through. The critical points are at different parts of the different cycles. The new way of talking is like, “Well, why work on a relationship? We just stop and get another one.” But the karmic joke is, presuming you’re lucky enough to find a new relationship anywhere near the relationship you’re giving up – or exchanging, or walking away from, or destroying by inattention or inadvertence of selfishness, or whatever it is – that you have to go through it over and over and over again right up until you’re seventy. People never grasp the fact that they’re going to have to go through the same thing again. They get to the sort of five-year stretch or the seven-year itch or whatever these tension points are, that seem to be organic, built in, like the tide coming in and going out. It’s like every time the tide goes out, you quit—you move your house of something, I’m not making it clear here but you get where I’m going…

Sheff: Yes, yes, but what made you see that?

John: When [Yoko] kicked me out, I saw I was kicked out. When I was kicked out, I realised where I was, which was on a raft in the middle of the universe, and whatever happened, presuming I could have started another relationship, I would have ended up in the same place—if I was lucky. And that’s a big if.

Sheff: You’re speaking about your separation in the early Seventies.

John: Seventy-three, or whenever we were separated, which is sort of a very cold way of saying it. It took a while, but that’s what I saw. If I was lucky… It’s like what they say about karma. If you don’t get it right in this lifetime, you have to come back and go through it again. Well, those laws that are sort of cosmically talked about – accepted or not, but talked about apply down to the most minute detail of life, too. It’s like ‘Instant Karma,’ which is my way of saying it, right? It’s not just some big cosmic thing, although it’s that as well, but it’s also the small things, like your life here and your relationship with the person you want to live with and be with. There are laws governing that relationship, too. You can either give up halfway up the hill and say, “I don’t want to climb the mountain, it’s too tough, I’m going to go back to the bottom and start again,” or you can do it this time.

Sheff: But you once decided it was too tough.

John: I did. But I didn’t see any of this then. Yoko and I were lucky enough to go through that and come back and pick up where we left off, although it took us some kind of effort and energy to – to blend in again and get in the same sync again. It took some time.

— John Lennon, interview w/ David Sheff for Playboy. (September, 1980)

It is with great love and affection that I see John’s matured insights: that despite having met under cosmically mysterious circumstances, the choice to build it into something more is in your hands. 

“Why it continues is because we want it to continue and work to continue.”

But John, like Paul, seems to have only gained this wisdom with the benefit of time and experience. It was with the perspective afforded by the passage of years that Paul came to fully realise and appreciate how truly special and improbably “perfect for each other” they were. And John “took his lucky break” and realised how hard it was to “find a new relationship anywhere near the relationship you’re giving up – or exchanging, or walking away from, or destroying by inattention or inadvertence of selfishness”.

(As an aside, I can’t help but point out how John pretty much disclosed what, in his opinion, made the mountain called JohnandPaul too difficult to climb: his selfishness and Paul’s inattention.)

In the same interview and continuing the reflections on the cyclic nature of relationships started above, and just what he lost by giving it up:

John: In a marriage, or a love affair – when the seven-year-itch or the twelve-year or whatever these things that you have to go through – there comes a point where the marriage collapses because they can’t face that reality, and they go seeking what they thought they should be having, still, somewhere else. I get a new girl, it’ll all be like that again; I get a new boy… But for all marriages, all couples, it’ll all be the same again. But what you lose is what you put into that… relationship. The early stuff – the Hard Day’s Night period, I call it – the early period, was the early equi– se– what I’m – what I’m equating it to is the sexual equivalent of the beginning of a relationship, of people in love. And the Sgt. Pepper-Abbey Road period was the period of maturity in the relationship. And maybe had we gone on together, maybe something more interesting would have come out of it. It would not have been the same. It would have been a different thing. But maybe it wouldn’t either. Maybe it was a marriage that had to end. Some marriages don’t get through that – that phase. It’s hard to speculate about what would have been.

— John Lennon, interview w/ David Sheff for Playboy. (September, 1980)

So, John acknowledges how you risk losing a very special relationship and everything you’ve put into it by walking away when it goes through a cyclic tough phase, how he did it once but he “didn’t see any of this then”. 

But what didn’t he see back then? Was he too careless and flippant about what they had, not appreciating how unique it was? 

No. 

John was, even back then, very much aware that this thing with Paul was special. And that, if anything, made it worse. Because now there were (perhaps unconscious) unmeetable expectations weighing down on his belief in the genuineness of the relationship. 

If they are cosmically connected, then they should be able to communicate wordlessly, “share in each other’s minds”; if they can read each other’s minds, they should know the other’s every want and need; so if Paul is not innately responding to his wants and needs, he is either actively ignoring John’s suffering (because Paul doesn’t really care about him or, perhaps, because he actually derives pleasure from seeing John down); or Paul can’t actually feel John’s pain intrinsically in the first place, and that would mean that everything that John believed about the specialness of the relationship and the relationship itself was a lie. 

And boy, faulty communication sure is one of the fatal flaws in their dynamic! All because there was the assumption that they were so in-tune that they didn’t need to talk! There seemed to be the expectation that everything would flow seamlessly. And if it wasn’t flowing, if anything required a bit of personal input to work it out, then it wasn’t genuine and spontaneous any more. And if the relationship wasn’t real, it wasn’t worth climbing the mountain for. It shouldn’t be a climb at all, but rather an effortless glide, hand-in-hand, through the universe!

John: Because we have plenty of arguments, but we’re also so attuned to each other, and we know each other so well, through the years, that an argument never reaches a climax. Or it never reaches the point where somebody goes off ‘cause they’re done talking, you know.

Q: In other words, it’s forgotten.

John: It’s not forgotten. But we know each other so well, it’s like sort of mind-reading. If an argument’s building up between Ringo and I, say, there comes to a point where we know what’s coming next and it’s all – everybody packs in. Or something – some, “Okay, he wins,” you know. So we have ordinary arguments, like other people, but we don’t – there’s no sort of conflict. All the people who have conflict in show business either get married about nineteen times, they leave the group they’re in and go solo… and nothing ever happens.

— Interview w/ Larry Kane (2 September 1964).

Hindle: What do you think about language?JOHN: I think it’s a bit crummy, you know? It is a drag form of communication, really. We’ll get – we’ll get telepathy. I believe that.Hindle: You believe that?JOHN: Yeah, sure. Sure. Sure as anything I believe. It’s too… Because now we need it so much. […]  But it’s hard… it’s that bit, you know. There are – there’s people everywhere of the same mind and it’s just… even amongst ourselves we can’t communicate. Which is the hard bit, you know. Hindle: Yeah.JOHN: Amongst the people that sort of really agree. Hindle: Just ’cause of words?JOHN: Just ’cause of words, and upbringing, and attitude, and how you express your… Well, it’s just some – you’ve got to find a mutual sort of language to express yourself, you know? And my language is that—Hindle: Unless you fall in love it’s impossible to communicate like that. JOHN: I mean, I wasn’t in love last year, but I was communicating quite well with people. Not as well, or maybe not as powerfully. ’Cause now there’s two of us, doing that, brrmmm, whatever it is. Sending out a vibration or whatever. But before it was me and… or me and George, alright, or whatever it was; we weren’t in love, but. You know. There’s enough in you to shove it out. It is just that bit. If you – if somebody comes in a room and he’s uptight and that, he can make the whole room uptight.

— John Lennon, interview w/ Maurice Hindle (December 1968).

It’s sort of complicated but sometimes you say things, but it’s not really what you meant to say. If I say something to you and you hear it different from what I’ve said it, and you answer back and we’re not really getting down to it. I’m really talking like that you know. Like somebody says ‘do you want ice cream?’ and I’ll say no, and actually I meant yes. You find yourself saying the opposite of what you mean. This happens to me quite a lot. I speak a lot, but what I say is not always what I mean.

— John Lennon, when talking about I Know (I Know) (1973).

Laverdiere: [The Family Way soundtrack] was actually the first time you would officially compose outside the Lennon-McCartney tandem.

Paul: Yes, and you know, it’s funny. That’s true. It’s funny because talking to Yoko recently, you know, you talk about all these things that happen way back in history. It turns out John was not pleased; but I didn’t know ‘til a year ago that he wasn’t pleased. He always told me, “Fine.” ‘Cause he’d been acting in a film – he did a film called How I Won The War – so we started to do little solo thing, just for a change, just for a break, and so I assumed, I asked him, “Is it okay with you?” He said, “Yeah, fine, fine.”

But Yoko told me that he was actually a little bit put off by that, because he hoped probably that I would say Lennon-McCartney will write this together. But to me it seemed a good opportunity to get away of what I did normally. But Yoko just told me apparently John was a little bit hurt about that. Which is sad. But we did actually talk about it. He just never told me at that time. He probably just covered up.

—Paul McCartney, interview w/ Michel Laverdière. (May 23rd, 1995)

‘Rigby’’s, um, his first verse, and the rest of the verses are basically mine. But the way he did it was – uh, was he had the song, and he knew he’d got the song. So rather than ask me, “John, do these lyrics—” Because by that period, he didn’t want to say that – to me. Okay? So what he would say was, “Hey, you guys, finish off the lyrics,” while he was sort of fiddling around with the track or something, or – or arranging it, in the other part of the giant studio in EMI.

Now, I sat there with Mal Evans, a road manager who was a telephone installer, and Neil Aspinall, who was a not-completed student accountant who became our road manager. And I was insulted and hurt that he’d thrown it out in the air, but I wanted to grab a piece of it, and I wrote it with them sitting at the table. So. There might be a version that they contributed, but there isn’t a line in there that they put in.

But that’s how it – [Paul] just sort of— ‘Cause that’s the kind of insensitivity he would have – which made me upset in the later years – because to him, that meant nothing. But that’s the kind of person he is. So he threw ‘em out and said, “Here, finish these up,” like – to anybody, who was around. [By saying that] actually he meant I was to do it, but – you know, Neil and Mal were sitting there, and…

— John Lennon, interview w/ David Sheff for Playboy. (September, 1980)

John: We don’t really write together any more. We haven’t written together for two years. Not really. Just occasional bits we help… somebody’s got to use a line or two.

Miles: How does that affect you when you’re playing then?

John: It doesn’t make any odds, who writes them. It’s when The Beatles perform that makes it into Beatle music. It’s a long time since we’ve sat down and written together for many reasons, because we used to write together mainly on tour. Then there was a valid reason for it. It got false – “Come round to my house and we’ll write some songs” – it doesn’t work anymore.

—John Lennon, interview w/ Barry Miles, (partially) unpublished. (September 23rd, 1969)

But in the early days of performing, whether it was Hamburg or Liverpool, when we were still playing dance halls, there was still a lot of inspirational energy. We hadn’t started repeating our little movements, our little licks. So in that respect, the Beatles’ live creativity had gone long before they came to America. And in the same respect, the creativity of songwriting had left Paul and me… well by the mid-Sixties it had become a craft.

And yet… a different kind of thing comes in. It’s like a love affair. When you first meet, you can have the hots twenty-four hours a day for each other. But after fifteen or twenty years, a different kind of sexual and intellectual relationship develops, right? It’s still love, but it’s different. So there’s that kind of difference in creativity too. As in a love affair, two creative people can destroy themselves trying to recapture that youthful spirit, at twenty-one or twenty-four, of creating without even being aware of how it’s happening. One takes to drugs, to drinks, to knock oneself out…

— John Lennon, interview w/ David Sheff for Playboy. (September, 1980)

I was really going through the “What’s it all about?” type thing – this songwriting is nothing, it’s pointless, and I’m no good, I’m not talented, and I’m shitty, and I couldn’t do anything but be a Beatle. What am I going to do about it? It lasted nearly two years and I was still in it during Pepper. I know Paul wasn’t at the time; he was feeling full of confidence, and I was going through murder during those periods.

—John Lennon, interview w/ Barry Miles, (partially) unpublished. (September 23rd, 1969) 

You can get a picture of how this expectation of implicit understanding between them when mixed with the insecurity in the other’s love they harboured, bred a lot of hurts… 

It takes two to tango, of course. I won’t really get into how Paul’s avoidance of his own feelings and implicit expectation that John would know how much he meant to him, without Paul having to look those emotions in the eye for too long or make himself vulnerable by saying them out loud, had a part to play in this. I have touched upon this in other posts and hope to go deeper in the future, but this has run away from me as it is!

It makes me happy that, even if only in retrospect, their approach to this special, magical, cosmic connection they shared evolved from the naive view that the relationship had to carry itself own the back of its own merits, to the more mature understanding that it continues because they want it to continue and work to continue. As John put it: Love is a flower and you have to water it.

Once again, thank you so much for the ask, and forgive me for losing myself completely down this rather angsty rabbit-hole… But feel free to explore the tags for more appreciations of the magical quality of Lennon/McCartney!

[morromasterofwind]

Rho Epsilon + The Ninjas

HI. SO THIS IS GONNA BE RLLY LONG. I’VE EXPANDED ON THE LORE OF MY OC, RHO. THANK U ALL FOR SHOWING HER SO MUCH LOVE! THIS IS A MASTERPOST OF HER BASIC INTRODUCTIONS/INTERACTIONS WITH ALL THE NINJAS. I HOPE YOU ENJOY?

Rho and Kai

She encounters Kai first out of the ninjas. Not while the group is on a mission or anything. She actually finds him in Skylor’s noodle shop, to nobody’s surprise.

They end up staring at one another from across the restaurant all throughout meal time. Rho is already fully aware that he’s one of the ninjas, as their identities aren’t exactly a secret. She’s just staring because he is and it is really weird.

Kai, on the other hand, is intrigued yet very suspicious. He asks Skylor who she is, and Skylor simply replies that she is a friend who stops by a lot. Since he knew Zane could help, Kai drags him out there one evening.

“She is just another Elemental Master. I detect no problems here. She is not causing any disturbances.” “Ya sure ok Zane w/e you say.”

Kai is 100% convinced Rho is hiding something for like the first month they know each other. This is ironic, as she ends up becoming one of the people he trusts most.

He often vents to her and discusses things he would probably not say otherwise. He’d never forgive her if he knew, but most of it at first was a result of her powers.

She wasn’t trying to pry or trick him into befriending her. She just noticed a lot of little things that were concerning. The way he’d trail off his sentences and leave them hanging during more serious chatter among the group. The rather foul and unfair things he’d mutter under his breath at himself. The way he’d stay up all night training after certain battles. It wasn’t a healthy outlet or way to cope! She thought that Wu may be the only other person who knew Kai did this.

For as vocal as he seems about what’s on his mind, there is an awful lot he keeps under lock and key. So it wasn’t exactly easy to get him to come out of his shell. It was even harder to use her powers on him subtly. She hasn’t used any means like that in a while, though. He still trusts her. She’s glad.

Rho and Zane

Zane was the one who decided to bring her to meet the other ninjas. Despite knowing the implications of her powers, he’s never had any misgivings about her.

Given that he is not technically living, it is much (much) harder and more complex for Rho to analyze his words. Because of this, Zane terrified her at first.

She respects Zane the most out of the ninjas. She takes his opinions very seriously.

There is something about him she is drawn to and can vibe with.

These two have tons of inside jokes.

She likes when he answers her questions about mechanics and tech. Jay and Nya are awful at explaining it.

The protagonist of one of the novels she’s written is inspired by Zane. She’d sooner die than admit it, though.

Rho and Jay

Easily her best friend. There is nothing she wouldn’t do for him.

On days he is feeling more down and out, she is sure to alter any quips the others try to make at his expense. Even if they are not intended seriously, in the wrong mood she knows he’ll perceive them that way. Zane usually frowns and gives her a look in response, because he can tell when she does it.

After figuring out what her power is, Jay repeatedly thinks to himself that he wishes she had been there when Nadakhan was around. What Jay does not know is that a previous Master of Language actually taught the djinn how to manipulate people’s words long ago. It was a very different time in history. Regardless, Rho would not have stood for Nadakhan at all if she knew of him. She would have been offended and found his actions a mockery of her family’s legacy. She would have been quick to remind him what that power should be used for.

Fun fact: Rho is head over heels for both Jay and Nya. It is a Big Problem and She Hates It but she is whipped.

Jay thinks it is priceless when Rho freaks out over the gadgets he and Nya make.

Their brands of humor combined are chaotic. They piss Nya and Cole off so much with their jokes. Kai and Zane are pretty indifferent. Lloyd finds them funny.

Rho and Cole

After meeting Cole, Rho pretty much can’t picture life without him.

She finds his presence extremely reassuring and comforting.

She actually enjoys his cooking? What? Girl are you okay? Don’t question it, I guess.

He asks her a lot about her powers and what she is able to do with them. He is also really interested in learning about languages that are no longer spoken.

SHE LOVES HEARING HIM SING. Or speak, for that matter. His voice is very unique, in her opinion.

They absolutely work out together. He’s even sent her his playlist.

While she really sees the others more as friends than family, Cole is definitely like a brother to her.

Rho and Nya

She’s the one who convinced Rho to stay with them. Nya even taught her how to pilot the Bounty in case of emergencies.

Rho is absolutely impressed by Nya and tries to be more like her in everything she does. Whether it be training harder, or even the way she conducts herself in the face of adversity. Nya would likely tell her it’d be more beneficial to find her own strengths rather than chase after someone else. And she’s right. But still…

She makes so many water puns while talking to Nya. Most of them actually go over Nya’s head.

She loves stealing Nya’s clothes and wearing them. They’re a bit too small for her, but no regrets. Yes, she always washes and returns them the day after. Yes, she is obsessed with Nya’s fashion sense. Mainly because she herself has none.

Most of the time, Rho and Nya will just sit in comfortable silence. Usually while Nya reads books that Rho has recommended her.

They definitely have the same taste in television shows.

Rho loves snuggling with Jay and Nya on the couch on cold days. She’ll be a jerk and slowly creep her way up there with them if she walks in and they’re watching movies or smth.

Rho and Lloyd

SHE IS OBSESSED WITH LLOYD. She always dotes on him. She’ll jokingly call him her little brother, even though she doesn’t really see him as a brother in the same light she sees Cole.

“Hey, look what my coOL LITTLE BRO DID TODAY! YEAH! HE DID THAT! MY BABY BRO!”

She’s called him “Lloyd Montgomery” rather than just “Lloyd” since hearing his middle name. Nobody really knows why.

He’s taught her so much? She wasn’t even expecting him to.

She was very shocked to find out he and Wu are related.

He plays pranks on her if she is in a bad mood. It usually cheers her up.

Her favorite person to play videogames with. The others get too salty. Lloyd is actually fun.

She appreciates his willingness to listen and heart that seeks to reach understanding with others. They’re some of his strongest traits to her, even if he struggles to stop seeing it as weakness.

Bonus: Rho and Wu

They meditate together often.

She soaks in any and all wisdom Wu has to offer. Even things she’d rather not have to hear.

Tea? Tea.

Both literal and metaphorical tea. The two enjoy each other’s company a lot? It is odd. A very odd duo.

Much like Zane, Wu will be very disapproving of her trying to use her powers on people aside from combatant purposes. No matter how slight or what the reason, Wu will always have a talk with her after.

He warns her of the dangers awaiting one who consistently bends people’s perspectives and words to their will. He confronts her by asking how she would grow if all she ever heard was the things she wanted to. He reiterates that it isn’t fair, and that there is freedom in being alive. Freedom to hold opinions and behave accordingly. He warns that he will stop her if she starts to impede on that freedom within others.

Even so, he believes strongly in her good nature. But, as we know, he also strongly believes in his experience with a certain student. He knows it is his responsibility to crush the seeds of evil before they can sprout.

[icharchivist]

Kanda was basically a much more delayed Lavi when it came to realizing Allen's dazzling light. Kanda trusted, respected and I do believe he even admired Allen (him helping and encouraging Allen against the lv4 despite being weaponless himself is a stand out for me). But he kept a distance to him too. His hatred of the Order triumphed any concern for Allen. He probably still felt predujice too. I think post Alma Kanda also realized he took Allen for granted. How valuable his humanity and -

2 and the hope he brings. He almost got Allen killed because Kanda couldn't forgive (himself. Everyone). Allen's forgiveness saved Kanda and Alma. Which is why I'm very eager to see Kanda's reaction to Allen's backstory. Not downplaying Kanda's horrific backstory at all. But Kanda grew up imprisoned within the Order. He eventually came into the loving care of Marie, Tiedoll and Komui w/Lenalee as a friend. He still suffered but again he was sheltered from the rest of humanity. Kanda (and -

3 Lenalee) don't fight to save the world or humanity because they don't really know either very well. They haven't experience life the way outsiders like Allen, Lavi or Miranda have. They don't have a relationship or understanding outside the Order. Kanda's going to realize Allen, in different ways, has experienced the worst of humanity. Unlike himself, Allen can't even rationalize their behaviour like Kanda can w/the desperate scientists in a war. Those people in Allen's past were just -

4 just demonic because they wanted to be. I think this will not only open Kanda's eyes to bigger humanity (bad and good, Mana and even Allen the dog showed good parts). But to how strong Allen is. That all it took was the compassion of a dog and the care of one man (even if Mana's in question right now by them) for Allen to heal and chose to let his suffering fuel his empathy. Allen has every right to hate humanity. But he forgave them anyway. That not only prevented Allen from destroying-

5 himself but helped him to go on and teach forgiveness to others. Allen put Lavi on the path to forgive at least parts of humanity. Miranda and Krory to forgive themselves enough to keep living. There are a lot of examplrd and Allen himself still struggles w/forgiving himself. But in dgm the root of everything is unforgiveness breeds hate and hate breeds early death. Forgiveness doesn't equal loving that person. But it does equal being free from the toxic feelings that cause self destruction.

!!! Completely agreed about everything!

I do think Kanda had been affected by Allen’s light early on: there is a huge moment of kinship in the Mattell arc for all that matters, even if Kanda rejects to actually mention it. Even if it was the cause for their fight in there, Kanda did eventually come around and fought for what belief Allen was holding, even if i doubt he realized back then that he cared.  Like you said i think he still tried to keep his distances with Allen and refuse to admit how it did affect him because Allen still represented a lot of what Kanda hated and... Kanda is really stubborn. So it was easier to keep a sort of distance with him that way.

“taking Allen for granted” is honestly the perfect way to put it, and yeah, it took the Alma’s arc to realize that it was like that.

Like you say in your conclusion (man those asks are perfect), with “the root of everything is unforgiveness”, the thing is that also Kanda saw Alma being consummed twice by his hatred for the Order - a hatred Kanda still has, festering inside of him. But by standing against this hatred Allen actually ended up helping him connect back with Alma, and I think that it forced him to put himself back in question considering it’s thanks to that he could get back to Alma even for a bit. 

It forced him to acknowledge that Allen’s pov was bringing more good and happiness than the hatred he had locked himself into. 

When it comes to Allen’s backstory, i completely agree with you. I think Kanda might have a disconnect about humanity and think in general that the Order are the worst kind of people ever, acting all over “ends justifying the means”. Of course Kanda’s backstory is horrifying, but it is limited, and it was... horrible enough for him not to think about how it is outside. 

I do think Allen’s backstory would change a lot of his POV because yeah to him there is nothing worse than just the Order. I think understanding why Allen felt at peace in the Order- feeling that the reason for which he was abused (his arm) is now the reason he can save people, and the contrast of how horribly pointless this abuse war in comparaison to “end justifying the means” tortures, would put a lot of perspective on how Allen felt at peace in the Order - a bit like Lavi’s realization (to tie it back with your opening sentence) that Allen’s kindness and care doesn’t come from naivety of not knowing how horrible the Order is, but from him actually knowing too much the crualty of humanity and finding a way to cope with it.

And like you said it would give Kanda even more insight on how strong Allen is, and why he has always been fighting the way he did. that “he is but a small man who cares about what’s right in front of him” because after all, the dog in front of him what was reminded him he wanted to be loved, Mana’s individual love is what gave him strength. Kanda had always thought about the bigger pictures because i think it’s a way to cope with not... snaping at the order for what was done to him. But Allen’s pov is so different to his own and i think finally understanding why will give Kanda the pieces missing to completely empathize with Allen.

So i’m really looking forward Kanda’s reaction to Allen’s past! just like Allen understood much more about Kanda seeing his past, I think the same will happen there and I can’t wait! you put it all in words perfectly!

[rorykillmore]

heres kind of a more in-depth one: where do your characters fall on a morality scale? like from best to worst i guess

hmmmm this is trickybecause i wouldn’t necessarily say it’s a linear thing – like my charactersdraw different lines in the sand for different issues?? for example, some of mycharacters who will straight up KILL aren’t as comfortable being as being asmean or underhanded as some of the ones who don’t’, etc, but i made a sort ofrough order. it’s weird because, especially towards the middle, it’s not necessarily a ranking of who’s the best person, it’s just... complicated, idk

okay we have kara as thesort of, beacon of moral purity of my roster – she has a no-kill rule that’snot… quite as strict as clark’s or barry’s, like she’ll break it if it’s necessary,but given how powerful she is it generally. isn’t, and she’s also usually veryagainst overly brutalizing someone in a fight, or painful emotionalmanipulation, or collateral damage… the list goes on. she doesn’t even like beingmean to people in her day to day life! she will also like, dig her heels in andstand very firm behind her moral values, which almost makes me surprised thatshe and sasuke haven’t had more conflict than they have – but then again ithink sasuke generally tends to back off and let kara and ratchet do theirMoral Thing and it doesn’t come up as much of a problem since the superfriendsare powerful enough to handle most situations without being driven to moral extremes.anyways yeah. kara probably easily takes the moral high ground on the mostissues out of all my characters. she’s a ray of sunshine

okay next… this kindasurprises me but maybe glory?? now granted, this gets a little murky, becauseglory comes from a completely nonhuman society with different moral standardsto begin with and a culture that (for most of the tribes that were involved inthe war, at least) heavily revolves around violence. so yeah, glory will greeta threat with a face full of acidic venom if the stakes are high enough, buuutbeing a queen has generally made her… very honorable and even kind of lawful bydragon standards. she sticks to her word, she’s very fair, she doesn’t fall toextremes without very good reasons, she has a good heart that can generally berelied upon to do the right thing even if she pretends not to care as much asshe does. yeah.

then we have… maybe caitlin,who follows a lot of kara and glory’s standards and is generally a Good Person,but if i rate her a bit “lower” its because she has this like… survivaliststreak? like when she gets really scared she has a hard time letting anyoneelse help her, and instead she’ll close off and try to handle things on her ownand that’s when she sometimes makes more questionable, morally grey decisions. butoverall caitlin really means well and pretty much dedicates her life to helpingother people, so.

okay and then i guessmadeline! the very definition of “chaotic good”. i mean, she’s kind of hard to rank next to like... vigilantes and stuff, because her day to day experiences are like completely different. she’s not a very violent person but then again it’s like, why would she be, she lives a (relatively) normal life. so i guess my justification is just, madeline is very ride or die, but she’s not so much concerned with doing what’s “right” as she is defending the people and causes that are important to her. her heart is almost always in the right place, but she definitely reverts pretty easily to sabotage and underhanded stuff to get what she wants or just to one-up a rival or something. idk madeline fits weirdly on this list but

then maybe trish, who reallywants to do the right thing, really badly. is she willing to take more dubioussteps to get there than the people listened above? prooobably. trish tends toconcern herself with her end goal rather than her actual methods, which can bedangerous. i don’t necessarily want to point to all the stuff she did in season2 as an example, because a lot of that was influenced by her relapse, butstill. sometimes she’s willing to push pretty far if she thinks the end resultshe’s after is important enough. she’s also probably willing to go as far askilling more readily than anyone who’s been listed so far, though notnecessarily without good reason.

anya, i was honestly not sure whether to put before or after sara -- this is a prime example of one of those cases where two characters have such different standards that it’s hard to compare them, but whatever. anya... really does value her dignity and integrity as a person, but she can’t always afford to uphold them. sometimes her life necessitates her to resort to petty criminal shit like pickpocketing, conning, etc. she’s also... very independent, and really doesn’t have any kind of cause driving her or concern for the bigger picture of things, which also makes her hard to rank, but idk. at the end of the day she’s kind-hearted enough and likes to stay away from trouble on a bigger scale, so she can go here i guess.

and then i guess sara, who. idk, is weird to rank in her own way. she’s not always nice, but she’s... very kind, if that makes sense. she cares a lot about people, from this very individualized perspective as opposed to say, rip, who is more focused on the “greater good” or the bigger picture. sara often has way more qualms with sacrificing innocent people, or ESPECIALLY people she cares about, for the sake of any kind of cause. but also... she’s a former assassin, and will still readily kill her enemies without too much debate about it if she sees it as necessary. and that’s not even touching on the chaotic, destructive, lawless kind of stuff she’ll do on a regular basis just for the sake of a mission

i’m laughing at how comparatively low heather is ranking. neutral evil. nah i mean to be fair she just... kind of has the morals of a bratty teenager. so it’s almost unfair to rank her up against people like sara or w/e. she’d never kill anyone or... do anything like that. but she also pretty much lacks sara’s sense of kindness and empathy and compulsion to act on those things; heather really only makes an effort to be kind to... her friends. she still hasn’t reached the point where she sees why she should care about the world on a broader scope, so a lot of situations she’s just apathetic or... she can still even fall into being outright mean.

siobhan is next, because siobhan at this point is driven by loyalty to the people she cares about, and ultimately... deep down, she does actively want to be a better person. she just struggles with believing she’s capable of that. she’s still an asshole in a lot of situations and her bounty hunting is most definitely morally grey, she primarily just cares about making money, but... there is a growing part of her that wants to be more than that. and she’s already come a long way on denny, so she deserves to be ranked above...

killer frost. THIS asshole. although the thing is, in spite of her name, killer frost doesn’t actually kill people. in fact, she’s actively kinda uncomfortable with killing people, along with a lot of the more brutal tactics the bigger villains in her canon were capable of (or... well, the kind she’s seen already at the mld). so because of this, i almost ranked her above siobhan, but then i backtracked because tbh killer frost does not have the integrity siobhan has grown. she’s slippery, she’s known to turn on even the people she cares about if it benefits her enough, and otherwise she just... rarely cares one way or another about causes or morals or w/e. she CAN be swayed by extremely strong bonds, but that mostly entails team flash at this point, and they aren’t here

god okay i’m not sure lucille deserves the last spot on this list anymore, really, i just... didn’t know where else to put her, so she’s more of a footnote. we’ve reached the footnotes section. i don’t think lucille is even certain of what her own morality looks like; she’s done really terrible things for a really long time but she’s... been fighting hard to get away from that and do better. she’s still very, idk insulated, she doesn’t really care too much about the world around her if it doesn’t affect her or the people she cares about, but she tries to stay away from overly immortal situations.

dolores is another one where i just... have no idea where she’d fit on this. she’s killed people without even a FLICKER of remorse, or she’s let a lot of collateral damage happen to benefit her (ie this thing in canon where she let a bunch of confederate hosts get mowed down by human soldiers so she could lure said soldiers into a trap, but hey, they were confederates!). she, particularly when being swayed by her wyatt programming, is very capable of being extremely pragmatic and absolutely ruthless. but. context is everything. in her previous situation, she had virtually no reason to show the park guests any mercy. they were fucking horrible to the hosts, for years and years and years, and she really has no proof that she should be trusting or forgiving of humanity at this point. this is all she knows. on top of that, she’s the leader of a revolution in a situation where her kind are viewed as corporation property, where they literally have no chance at freedom without bloodshed (save for like, a few of them like maeve who are planning to sneak out of the park and blend in with humankind, but obviously it’d be completely infeasible for ALL of the hosts to do that), so she has to be fucking ruthless. so it’s like... idk on denny, i really don’t know where things will fall with all of this. so much is different.

my cats have absolutely no place on this list because warriors society and values are tremendously different and it’d be too much of a headache to try to compare, so

[captainjetrocketboy]

Carry the Blame [ModestHD Fanfic]

Woah, hey, this is different. I really was not expecting to be so invested in this ship, but things happen right? I saw how little there was for this ship, too, and I was like “Well that’s gotta change”. So, enjoy I guess. A little different from the usual, but it’s good to shake it up once in a while, eh?

From an outsider’s perspective, their job might seem like living the dream. Nearly every day is filled with excitement and adrenaline-pumping action, a gun is always attached somewhere on their person, and to top it all, they’re living on a pile of cash.

At least, that’s what it looks like. Truthfully, they fear for their very lives day to day. It certainly isn’t the dream they were expecting to be living.

Except Aleks, who was always the thrill-seeker of the group. It was as if he couldn’t keep moving forward without a bit of exhilaration during heists. One time, he had tripped an alarm on purpose just so he could get the chance to run away, maybe even shoot his trusty pistol. The others hold this against Aleks, sometimes saying that he’s a liability, but for the most part they let it fly past over their heads. What could they say, Aleks may be reckless, but he’s damn good at his job.

Today was no different. Aleks was eagerly anticipating their next robbery, like he always did. Yet this time, Brett thought it was time to bring in their youngest recruit, Trevor, onto the field. Aleks was rightfully against such an action, but Brett reasoned that it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Aleks would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried for the guy. After all the time put into training, Trevor might be able to pretend like he’s a threat, but he was still an awkward and fragile being. But Aleks knew that this went beyond just Trevor’s safety. It also affected him, on a deeper, personal level.

From the moment the Russian’s heart began to thaw, Aleks started to spend more time with Trevor. More meaningful time, that is, whether it was extra rounds in the weight room, or outside chilling in the night air after a rough day. No matter how much Aleks wanted to deny it, the feelings would never go down. They would never go away. Never leave him alone.

Aleks was in love with Trevor.

But he couldn’t just tell that to him. He couldn’t risk it, not with the kind of life they lead. If they were to become a real thing, then surely heartbreak would follow suit. Either one of them could be dead the next day, and Aleks didn’t think he could handle it. Even so, what if Trevor didn’t like him back? It’s happened before with previous crushes, but those didn’t feel as right as it does now with Trevor. Aleks planned to be upfront about it, but could never go through with it. He would always give himself shit for it; for being a fucking coward that can’t admit anything to their lover.

Despite his protests and troubling thoughts, Aleks was still ready for this mission. It was all going fine until the blaring sirens pierced his eardrums.

“What the fuck?! I thought that Asher and Trevor were keeping a look out!” James shouted, his voice still shrouded by the alarms. “Did you do something stupid again, Aleks?”

Aleks couldn’t give a proper response before Brett cut him off. “C’mon, now isn’t the time! Anna should still be at the getaway spot!” Brett started in a direction, and both James and Aleks tailed behind.

The pit in Aleks’ stomach grew tenfold, and he feared his worst nightmare was coming to fruition. If Asher and Trevor got caught, then that could mean…

The trio bolted through hallway after hallway before they could see their ticket out of here. But what captured Aleks’ eye was the leaning figure against Asher, who was struggling to get them both into the car. Brett, James, and Aleks burst through a window as a shortcut to get to the car, and jumped on as soon as they could. Anna floored it before the door could be shut properly.

Once the adrenaline had settled down amongst the group, Aleks turned to see a sight that he wished he hadn’t. Blood was seeping through Trevor’s shirt and jacket, and his body lied limp on the van’s flooring. His head leaned against Asher’s legs, who was still panting heavily and panicking over the man beside him. Aleks had trouble comprehending what he saw, as if the mere sight caused his mind to short-circuit. His heart shattered into pieces, aching his entire body with guilt and sadness throughout. Tears started to form under his eyes, but he wouldn’t let them fall. Just seeing the love of his life like this was killing him right then and there.

The sharp and sudden breaths of Asher yanked him back to reality. He gritted his teeth and cracked his knuckles as an insurmountable rage burned within him. It blazed like a wildfire, spawning from the darker side of his mind.

“What… What the fuck happened Asher?!” Aleks could hear his molars crack in the back of his mouth. “You were supposed to have his back!”

Asher was caught off-guard. He didn’t expect such a volatile reaction from Aleks of all people. Regardless, he had a look of defeat veiled over his face, showing remorse for what he let happen. “I-I’m sorry, Aleks! I tried, I really did! T-There were too many, but Trevor took out a bunch of ‘em! They got a good shot on him, though, and he passed out before I could get him in the van…”

Aleks glared at the other man. The fire inside him was still burning, but he knew this wasn’t the time nor place to get mad with Asher. A fight over Trevor’s well-being wouldn’t be unjustified, yet Aleks thought it would be suspicious if he were the one to initiate it. Especially knowing his feelings for Trevor were still unknown to everyone. Right now, they needed to get Trevor to a hospital, and fast. Aleks just hoped they would make it to one on time…

Aleks was never a big fan of hospitals. Even after being admitted several times into the same place, he couldn’t get over the unease he experienced. The pale white walls felt constraining, as if they were slowly creeping towards Aleks.

It wasn’t any better this time around. Now he had more than just himself to worry about. The doctors had rushed Trevor to the ER as soon as they got there. Aleks had volunteered to look over Trevor while the others took their spoils to the warehouse, which left him to wait in the lobby alone. It was something Aleks was used to, but he had plenty more running through his head, especially regarding Trevor. He was, quite frankly, scared; terrified of what could happen. It was unnatural for Aleks to have these strong emotions, considering his other friends have been in dozens of similar accidents. But things were different this time. It wasn’t just a friend whose life was dangling on a burning rope; it was Trevor who was on the brink of death. The person that Aleks cared for the most. The person that Aleks had fallen in love with.

Hours went by as the sunlight seeped away from the building interior. Shades of gold and reddish-orange passed over the Russian, who hadn’t shifted from position. The only movement came from his bouncing leg, occasionally switching between the right and left. Suddenly, a pair of nearby doors swung open as two figures made their way into the room. One of them caught Aleks’ attention.

“Aleks! How is everything?” Asher stammered, concern obviously present in his voice. Aleks slowly stood as both him and Anna briskly approached. “We came as soon as we could. Is Trevor-”

The mention of Trevor’s name set a trigger off. Before the other man could say anymore, Aleks quickly reeled a fist back and swung it against Asher’s nose. A scream escaped his mouth as he recoiled back into Anna, who caught him before he could fall to the floor.

“W-What the fuck, Aleks?!”

“What’re you doing here?” Aleks’ words seethed with anger. The blazing inferno from the depths of his soul were rekindled, and it was only a matter of when he’d explode again.

“W-We were worried about Trevor…”

Aleks advanced forward, getting up close to Asher’s now bloodied face. He pointed a finger right on the man’s chest. “Oh yeah, coming from the ass who let this happen in the first place!”

“Aleks, enough!” Anna shouted, wanting to stop things from escalating further. She stood between the two men to shield Asher from any further hits. “Look, I’ve been with you guys for some time now. I’m sure Asher didn’t intend to hurt anyone. I know from experience that these things just happen!”

“But they aren’t supposed to happen to Trevor! The one time that he gets dragged along with us, he fails to do his only fucking job!” Aleks’ voice falters as he backs away, his rage steadily making way for sadness. “Tre-Trevor shouldn’t have gotten hurt. Let alone get fucking shot!”

Asher worked his way around Anna, and cautiously crept up to the teary-eyed Russian. He kept a hand on his nose in a shallow attempt to keep blood from dripping. He stopped when Aleks spoke once again, now sputtering his words.

“I-I know it wasn’t you. It was me who sh-should’ve done more.” He turned around to see Asher within arm’s length. “I’m- I’m sorry…”

Asher took a moment to look stare at the man in front of him before using his free hand to return a punch. It made violent contact with Aleks’ right eye. He didn’t see it coming, and he took several steps back in pain.

“You better be damn sorry.”

Anna silently gasped at the sight, and stood frozen before taking initiative. She grabbed Asher’s arm, the same one that swung at Aleks, and pulled him back. “C’mon. We should do something about your nose.”

With Aleks’ good eye, he could see both of them leave without even looking back. He slumped back into his chair, and rested against the hand cupping his swelling eye. Despite the throbbing pain he felt, Aleks was exhausted after that fight, on top of all the shit that’s happened today. Soon enough, he found himself drifting off to the sound of silence that now hung over him.

The night had brought along with it a chilling wind, but Trevor thought it could take his mind off things. He had just finished a sparring match with Brett, despite his vocal protests. The older man promised to go easy, but Trevor’s ribs had to disagree.

Softly, as not to disturb the peaceful atmosphere, Aleks pushed open the door that lead to where Trevor was resting. He glanced around to see if anyone else was with him before stepping into the biting cold air. Trevor didn’t seem to notice until Aleks spoke up.

“Hey.”

Trevor lifted his head up to see Aleks slowly approach. He gave a small smile, which the Russian gladly returned. “Hey, man.”

“How’re you feeling? You took quite a beating back there.” Aleks gently spoke as he took a seat right beside Trevor. 

“Like shit. Brett really packs a punch. Guess I should’ve expected as much from the balding super-beast.”

Aleks chuckled a subdued laugh and briefly looked away. “Yeah, first time fighting him isn’t great. But, it gives you a taste of what you’ll deal with out there.”

“But I-” ‘don’t want to be a part of this’ were the words Trevor left unspoken. He stopped himself before admitting his fears to Aleks, afraid he’d use them as ammo for a joke later. “I’m just worried about that. Going out there, I mean. With you and the others.”

He couldn’t admit right then and there, but Aleks desperately wanted to protect Trevor from the dangers of the job. He deserved so much more, yet Aleks didn’t have the balls to help him without expressing his feelings. “I’m- I’m sure you’ll do just fine. Give it some time, and eventually you could be as skilled as the rest of us.”

The phrase ‘the rest of us’ hit Trevor hard. Those words only added onto his insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. He almost thought Aleks did it on purpose. Trevor’s face shifted slightly in shame, and turned away from the other man.

Aleks noticed the change in Trevor’s attitude, and instantly felt regret. He could tell that he hurt Trevor just with his words. That was the last thing Aleks ever wanted to do.

“Fuck, I’m sorry Trevor. I wasn’t even thinking-”

“Don’t worry about it, dude. It’s fine.”

Silence hung over the two men for what felt like hours. Aleks needed a way to quickly make it up to Trevor. “W-Well, I can tell you want to be left alone now. But…” He stood from his sitting position before removing his scarf. “It’s getting kinda cold out here. Don’t want ya getting sick or something.”

Trevor hesitated before reluctantly accepting the generous offer. “Thanks…”

“Want me to get you some hot chocolate, too? I could do that if you’d like.”

“Sure,” was the response Trevor gave as he wrapped the warm and fluffy scarf around his neck. “Just don’t spike it with anything.” He looked back just in time to see Aleks give a genuine smile and a thumbs-up before leaving the other man to his own devices.

The news the doctors had for Aleks when he awoke was certainly a welcome change of pace. They told him that the bullet miraculously didn’t pierce any vital organs, and that it was a relatively easy fix. Aleks felt the burling weight on his shoulders finally be lifted. Now he knew that Trevor was going to be okay. That he was going to be okay. The doctors even allowed him to stay with Trevor in his room as he recovered from surgery. The lights were dimmed, and the television was on for background noise. Aleks was leaned back into a spare chair, right beside Trevor’s bed. The doctors were also kind enough to lend a bag of ice for his black eye.

“You really had me worried back there, Trev.” Aleks spoke to no one in particular. It was more for him than anybody else. “I really thought that… you could’ve been gone. But you sure proved me wrong. I always knew you were a tough guy.”

Aleks shifted forward and rested his left hand on top of Trevor’s. “I’m not leaving your side, you know that right? When you wake up, I’ll be right here.”

He rubbed Trevor’s soft hand, a telling sign that he truly has no experience with rough work. He looked down at it, and observed the stark contrast between Trevor’s and his own calloused hands. He certainly has a long way to go, but Aleks resolves to be there for him every step of the way. No way in hell was he going to let Trevor down. After holding his hand for a few more moments, he took in a deep breath, preparing to finally open up emotionally and demonstrate a rare instance of vulnerability. He was ready for it; when Trevor wakes up, Aleks will tell him how he feels. No backing out now. Today could’ve been his last chance, and it only made him realize how much he wanted this.

As if right on cue, Aleks could feel Trevor’s hand shift slightly in his. His eyes widened with joy and tears of happiness began to collect in his eyes. “Trevor?”

It took a moment before Trevor could respond, his voice raspy and croaky but still lovely to Aleks’ ears. “A-Aleks? W-What happened…” He tried to sit up, but recoiled back in pain. “Ah, shit…”

“Woah, hey. You might want to take it easy. The drugs are still wearing off, and you don’t want to tear out your stitches right away.”

Trevor glanced around the room in search for something to look at until his eyes met Aleks’. “The hell happened to your face?”

Aleks gave a small chuckle before responding. “Oh, uh, I may have sort of… punched Asher.” Trevor’s eyebrows lifted at his statement. “It’s okay, though. He returned the favor.”

A low huff came from Trevor as he grinned ever so slightly. He glanced away briefly before coming right back to Aleks. He noticed tear streaks running down his cheeks, but chose not to say anything.

“Trevor, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you…” Aleks wasn’t going to back down now. He needed Trevor to know the truth. “I-I know this is a little sudden, but, today made me realize that I need to do this now. I… I really like you. I mean, you just mean so much to me, even since the day you first joined us. I know things are difficult right now, and that you don’t want to be a part of any of it, but we can get through this. Together.”

Trevor didn’t have much to say. He only looked at Aleks with soft eyes that showed him he was taking this seriously. That alone soothed Aleks’ nerves a bit as he continued. “As crazy as it may sound, it’s been like this for so long. I’ve just been too afraid to tell you until now. Almost losing you scared me beyond words, and I don’t think I can move on without at least giving you the truth. So…” Aleks placed his hand back on Trevor’s and squeezed it lightly.

“I love you.”

Aleks let Trevor absorb all the information, and waited patiently for a response. “That was… quite a lot, Aleks. I-I think…” He shifted his hand in such a way that allowed him to squeeze Aleks’ hand, as well.

“I think I’d be happy to have you by my side.”

No more words were spoken. Aleks beamed with happiness and relief, and allowed the tears to come down once again. Dropping the ice bag on the bed, he stood up and went to give Trevor a meaningful yet gentle hug. As his arms wrapped around the other man, Trevor couldn’t help but hug back. Both were content to remain in each other’s arms, for as long as they could.

[draginhikari]

Final Fantasy XIV: Azure and Crimson Section 1: Warrior of Light, Shadros Hiku Chapter 2: Into the Nexus of Madness

(Events take place between Patch 2.4 Dream of Ice and before Patch 2.5 Before the Fall Part 1)

Shadros sat in a chair near his bed.  He dapped a cloth in an oily substance before ran the cloth along the board side of the Curtana.  The sunlight gleamed through his window and reflected off the blade’s surface causing the light to shine in Shadro’s eyes.   Shadros grunts, squinting his eyes as he slowly polished the blade’s surface while it sat on the makeshift stand.   An irritating necessity as the sword glowed like a lamp anytime he held the weapon. As such he needed the stand in order to clean the sword properly.  Though he was a good fighter his crafting abilities were a bit lacking. His stand wasn’t the most stable in the world as it wobbled back and forth as he moved the heavy blade.

“You think if Jalzahn and Gerolt were such geniuses they would figure out how to turn the damn lights off once and awhile.” Shadros complained.  His recent trials with the sword had brought new light to the weapon in the most literal sense of the word.  It had achieved what Jalzahn called a “Nexus state”.  Shadros didn’t really understand the soul attunement process that the transformation required to any degree beyond the basics.   He knew that it developed a connection between himself and the weapon somehow.   Though he didn’t really concern himself of the reasons of why on the matter, Shadros just did what he did best.   The usefulness of the resulting weapon mattered more to him then the process itself. 

Shadros had already been sent on another tedious operation by the pair to improve the sword further.  His next task was to gather more rare materials for the next stage of the plan to reforge a Zodiac Brave using his current weapons as a base. Rather than rush ahead, Shadros decided a break was in order before proceeding.  Shadros wasn’t looking forward to the task anyway as it would probably have him running around Eorzea like a headless cloudkin like every other task the two of them gave him.    Sometimes he wondered if the two were making this whole thing complicated on purpose.

Shadros sat back a moment setting the polish and cloth on the dresser next to him.  It had been a few weeks since his meeting with Aya in Ul’dah and he had yet to hear back from her.   He wondered momentarily if she had been captured or worse but simply discarded the thought for the moment. All he could do was to try to be patient for the time being. After all given his past experiences with women he doubted he could get rid of a one that irritating so easily.

Shadros grumbles to himself. The thought of irritating women reminded him that Una would be coming to look for him soon.  He needed to wrap things up before she arrived.   He would stand up taking hold of the Curtana’s hilt before lifting it into his default combat position.  The sword would manifest an incredible white Aether around the blade as well as a few white rings that would manifest at the base of the blade.   Shadros took some light practice swings with it before glancing into its light.   He was pleased with the power this recent transformation had brought forth regardless of the obnoxious degree of light it emitted.   He gazed into the light suddenly feeling woozy.  Shadros felt a strange sensation come over him much like when his manifestation of the Echo would invoke visions of the past. There was something different about it this time.

Without warning several visions occurred extremely quickly without any actual control by Shadros.  He saw himself not through his own eyes, but through the eyes of someone else.  Several scenes passed by extremely quickly making it difficult to focus on any one image.  His age, appearance, and the locations in the images suggested earlier times and places he couldn’t recall.   The last image held the longest involved a pool of water. In the last few moment of the vision, a gray-skinned, blue haired girl was reflected into the water. With her eyes holding a similar hue to her hair, her coloring was eerily similar to Una but that’s where the similarities ended.  Her blue eyes also seem to have some kind of light blue outline around iris that appeared to glow.   She had some kind of blue marking on her face that moved in an “m” shape pattern across her eyes. She had no visible ears. Rather, white horns that seemed to protrude from the sides of her head.  They stretched back to point a short distance behind her head and tipped off into a sharp point on each side.   Her face and neck, which is all he could see, were also adored with white scales in patches on her skin.

Shadros growls and tried to shake off the vision.  Suddenly Shadros was filled with intense anger and rage but he wasn’t sure why.  He began smashing the Curtana edge against the table in his room until it was nothing but shattered pieces.   Quickly turning entirely around, he struck the wall breaking off some of the blue tiles that adorned it. He very seldom lost his temper in this manner but it was as if all of a sudden he had lost his sanity.  He bellowed loudly and with one full power downward slash he cleaved straight through his bed dividing it into two pieces.

The vision faded from his mind as he pants lightly glancing around at the damage he had just done and growled, “What’s wrong me?  I’m losing my grip on reality!  That girl…who was she? What was she?” He had seen horns on the female Padjal like Kan-E-Senna or Raya-O-Senna of Gridania but there were some definite key differences. They almost seem reptilian compare to the horns of the Padjal. Shadros paces some back and forth, “Her horns, they look exactly like… Yugiri’s?”   He took several deep breaths trying to calm down and released his hold on the Curtana which made a loud clank when it hit the floor cracking the panels underneath.  

Shadros glanced at the blade silently for several minutes.   The upgrade to the weapon was the only explanation for what he just saw.  He needed to go to the North Shroud and he needed to go now. Completely forgetting the fact that he was supposed to meet Una in a few minutes, he picked up the Curtana. Placing it at his side along with the matching shield on his back, he invoked the teleport to Gridania and disappeared within moments.

A few minutes later Una walks through the door, “Sorry I’m late Shadros I was just…” She stopped mid-sentence when she notices the condition of the house, “What in seven hells happened here?” She quickly investigates the area but she found no signs of forced entry or any sign of a struggle.   Did Shadros do this to his own house?  Una crossed her arms, frowning.  She was beginning to worry about Shadros. He was becoming angrier and more isolative then he’s ever been as of late.   Una thought on the matter further but it was quickly interrupted by another thought that made her stomp her feet breaking another piece of broken tile, “Shadros!  That arsehole ditched me again!  Wait till I get my hands on him!”

Shadros materialized in front of the New Gridania Aetheryte.  With a deep breath, he took in the forest air trying to regain his composure as best he could. Still he couldn’t understand this.   Where were these visions coming from?   Why couldn’t he remember anything that he was being shown?   Why did he keep seeing this girl?   In his dream he always saw the girl from his own perspective and assumed she was part of his imagination or potentially just a fellow prisoner.  However, the fact that he had just witnessed events from her perspective just made the likelihood of that impossible.   Anytime the Echo had shown him the past, it had always been a result of him being in contact with a person, object, or the context of the circumstance he was viewing.   The Echo had always been limited in that manner.   This time, he was in his house by himself, with only the Curtana and Holy Shield which he had been using for ages prior to this point.  All these thoughts only seem to be making Shadros angry again as he made his way past the bridge leading to the Hyrstmill.   On his way across the bridge an Ixal, a bird variety of beastmen, attempted to stop him. “Hark featherless o…” was all the beastmen could get out before Shadros, in his anger, took his shield from behind him without slowing down at all and with one smooth moment smacked the beastmen across the face with the heavy shield causing the Ixal to stumble over the side of the bridge.   Shadros, not caring enough to see what happen to the beastmen, just kept going putting the shield back on his back.  Once in Hyrstmill he silently made his way to the building across from Gerolt’s Forge where Jalzahn usually worked at.   Shadros glanced around the general area to see who was around, only seeing Gerolt sleeping near his forge and Jalzahn near his spot on the porch.

Jalzahn was the first to see Shadros and says as he approached, “How goes the progress on the…“

Shadros grabbed and lifted Jalzahn by his coat and kicking the door the building open before pushing Jalzahn inside, “I want answers and I do not want any of your nonsense!” Shadros said with a louder, more aggressive tone than usual.

Jalzahn fell back and stood up dusting off his coat, “W-What is the meaning of this!?   Shadros, have you dug into Gerolt’s cache!?”

Shadros growls and points at Jalzahn, “Be quiet, you’ve had me literally running laps around Eorzea for months now to seek out all this crap for your research. For once you are going to answer some questions rather barking instructions!”

Jalzahn eyes Shadros carefully. Jalzahn, after all, wasn’t stupid and he had worked with Shadros long enough to know this wasn’t his normal behavior and that something had definitely crawled under his skin.   He removes his monocle and wiped it clean before speaking, “All right, take a deep breath.   I don’t entirely understand what has you so heated but I will assist you in any way I can but I can’t do that if you don’t explain anything to me.” He would put the monocle back on.

Shadros did back off for a moment realizing that he’d been acting like a raving lunatic up to a moment ago.   He rubs his temples some, waiting till he wasn’t raging before continuing.   He began to speak to Jalzahn about what he had seen though intentionally leaving out the details about the girl’s appearance as it wasn’t something Jalzahn needed to know to answer his question.

Jalzahn strokes his chin momentarily after Shadros had finished explaining, “Remarkable.  In all of my years of research, I have yet to hear anything like what you are describing.   Though I do not have a clear answer for you in regards to why with certainty.  During the soulglazing process, your use of the weapon in certain circumstances attuned your Curtana to your very soul truly becoming your weapon in a way where only you can fully utilize its power. It stands to reason that if your soul is unique or has been tampered it could be possible the attunement process could produce some unusual results.”

Shadros kept quiet for a few minutes before asking, “What kind of tampering?”

Jalzahn thought carefully on how to word the situation due to Shadros being somewhat frantic at the moment, “It could be an effect of the Echo you possess but I doubt that would be it.   There have been many questionable experiments in regards to the way Aether interacts with people that simply resulting in tragedy more often than not.   After all even though Aether plays a vital building block of our world, it is also potentially dangerous.  As you are probably aware, it can not only destroy, but also manipulate the mind to degree where tempering normally occurs which is the most extreme case.  Other minor alterations can occur depending on how intense the exposure was and the source of that exposure.  It could very well be that this ‘girl’ you speak of is some kind of manifestation of the result of something that was done to you.”  

Shadros kept quiet for a moment wondering if Jalzahn was right and the girl was some kind of illusion created by the trauma of what the Lambs of Dalamud did to him, “So someone has been messing with my head?”

Jalzahn turns his head back towards Shadros again, “Potentially or it could be possible this research is to blame as well. I will admit that this situation isn’t that different than any other manipulation of Aether.   There was no guarantee that process that forges the power of your Relic Weapon could not have negative consequences.  Not just in the sense of cause you physical harm as a result of the trials, but the consequence of working with Aether directly in this manner. It is a risk both we scientists and even you adventurers take by toying with such things do we not?”

Shadros didn’t directly answer. At the moment he really wasn’t sure what to make of any of this.  Regardless of whether he was right about the girl or not, all this tied back to his dream he had been having.  Whatever happened that day was responsible for all this but that made even less sense because if the dream was true, he was killed that day.  His soul should have moved onto the life stream but he was still here.   All of this seem to be coming back to the girl in his dream, whether she was real or not, she was an important element to solving this dilemma.  

Jalzahn says, “Shadros, as much as I hate to ask you this.  What will you do?   Can you continue forward with this project in your current state?”

Shadros looked at the Curtana again, after what he saw he knew that stopping was not quite as easy as Jalzahn was suggesting.  There were too many unanswered questions and completing the Zodiac Brave might be his only key to finding the truth.   Shadros no longer cared how dangerous the process might be for him. He was determined to find the answers even at the risk of his own health, “Yes.” He answered, “I will complete the Zodiac Brave as planned. You can count on that.”

Jalzahn was not going to attempt to question his decision, “Very good, that’s what I like to hear.   I look to hearing the results of your efforts.”

Shadros grumbles turning away from Jalzahn, “Look, I apologize for my behavior, but that doesn’t mean I think your methods are any less insane old man.” Jalzahn just chuckles lightly in response willing to put up with a bit of hostility from Shadros to get the results he wanted.   Shadros would step out of the hut and slowly began to walk back towards Gridania. His thoughts were interrupted when he was approached by an angry group of Ixal, likely allies of the one he had batted into the creek a short time ago.   Shadros just let a small smirk come to his face as he drew the Curtana before stating, “I guess if you’re intending to delay my progress I can at least take some of my stress out on you lot.   So let’s go!”

Section 1 - Chapter 1: The Shinobi Meeting

Final Fantasy XIV: Azure and Crimson Complete

Section 1 - Chapter 3: Return to Tam Tara Deepcroft

[prismpom-moved]

Christmas Song Story *TRIGGER WARNINGS IN TAGS*

I had a weird thought when I was lying around listening to Christmas music the other day. So I listened to these songs in this chronological order that I will list below. And a story formed in my head. Here we go.

We start with Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.

So there are two best friends (let’s make them both girls, to be honest if you see them as girlfriends that’s cool too!) that have had a horrible, absolutely terrible year. We’re talking severe clinical depression. You’ve heard of SAD right? Well one of the girls has that and instead of her depression being worse in the winter it is worse in the summer (summer depression.

But the other girl has SAD with wintertime depression.

It’s almost Christmastime now so the winter depression girl (we’ll call her W and the other girl S) is trying her best to be supportive of S, who struggles daily to survive. However, every day gets harder and harder to get through. The girls are in so much mental anguish.

Sometime around the middle of November, they decide that enough is enough. S suggests a suicide pact. She was distraught and hated doing this to W and to her family. She just realized how terrible her life is going and she’s just lost all hope. W is appalled at first that their best friend would want to go through with something like this. W says no and instead tries to encourage S to keep living. She reminds S how much they love Christmas and the wintertime, although W hates it because of her illness.

She writes a song for S where she wishes her a merry Christmas and pleads with her to keep living. She explains that next year, if she chooses to stay alive, will be better and their worries from this year will be gone.

The song renews a little bit of hope in S and she begins to progress a little bit. W is starting to fall down now, and starts thinking about S’s “idea.”

Next song is Christmas Time.

S realizes that W is getting worse and, using her newfound Christmas spirit tries to being some new perspective into W’s views of Christmas.

She sings a soft tune about the peace that’ll come to them when the day comes and how they’ll be together, free from the daily struggle. Which she wants to believe will happen.

However, W, who is absolutely stuck in her depression only sees this as an invitation to accept S’s suicide pact from earlier.

Silver Bells

They celebrate Thanksgiving separately with their families and temporarily have to conceal the hell they’re going through.

Sadly for W, because of her illness and the added pressure of faking for her family she is put under the impression that they don’t really care for her. That if she just died they wouldn’t care.

Meanwhile S goes into town with her father who enjoys Christmas just as much as she does. She explains her anxieties without revealing who she is talking about. Making W out to be a friend of a friend. Her father suggests to take the girl out to town and have her experience the city during Christmastime.

He sings about her favorite sound of the season; silver bells. How on Christmas day everything will come together. To enjoy the Christmastime senses that are all around her.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Upon returning to each other S plans a special outing for W. She has a bunch of things planned; christmas light viewings, Christmas tree shopping, hot cocoa, and finish it all off with a sleigh ride.

S wakes up W on the day of their outing, helps her get ready and reveals beautiful outfits she bought for her and W. She promises her that they will have a wonderful day.

In a frenzied rush S sings joyously and loudly about how wonderful Christmastime is. However, she does so obliviously while W is becoming more and more overwhelmed. At the christmas light viewing there is a giant crowd surrounding them and W becomes very anxious and uncomfortable. At Christmas tree shopping W is jumpy at the sounds of all the people talking, S singing, and the saw buzzing from the tree-cutting station.

The last straw is at the coffee shop where S orders the two of them the biggest cups of hot cocoa that they can drink. In a flourish of childish unadulterated joy, S takes W into a short dance that is interrupted by S knocking W’s cup out of her hand and spilling it all over W’s brand new shirt.

W, overwhelmed and on the verge of a panic attack, shouts at S about how she hates Christmas time and that no amount of singing will change that. She cries about how their relationship isn’t for everyone to hear, that the songs they sing aren’t for everyone to listen to. They were special and she ruined them. As she gets up to leave, her anxiety peaks as well as she suddenly moves, she passes out.

S is mortified and comes to her side.

The coffee shop calls for an ambulance and the girls end up at the nearest hospital.

As W is unconscious in the bed she contacts her father. She sobs profusely, feeling like everything is her fault. She made her worse. She lets everything spill. Her Dad listens and then explains to her that he knows she meant well, but she might have been overbearing and overwhelming. He reminds her of what he was singing about before. The gentle things of the season, not the rushed enjoyment of a entertainment-hungry world. Before she hangs up he suggests that when she wakes up that they do something to destress before going home, or else there will be tension.

W awakens a few hours later. She is silent at first but tearfully apologizes to S about her behaviour and she didn’t mean anything she said. S only smiles and accepts her apology.

After many tests and a post-care appointment made with her therapist, W is let go and the two girls leave the hospital.

Sleigh Ride

As they walk the streets, it begins to snow lightly and W shivers causing S to feel guilty. Just as they turn the corner towards their street, she remembers something.

The sleigh ride! Perfect!

She takes W lightly by the hand and leads her into town. By then the snow has sped up a little and W is getting colder and sadder, thinking of her actions from earlier. S stops next to a horse-drawn sleigh. By now the snow has piled up and ice is forming on the roads as well. Everyone is either leaving or entering a shop. The way is clear.

S pays for a ride but the coachman says that since the snow is a bit thick, it may take a while. S agrees anyways and helps W into the sleigh. S picks up the blanket that’s on the seat and wraps it around the both of them. They hug each other, warming each other up.

As they become more comfortable and the sleigh ride slowly drifts them through the empty streets of a colonial-style town S hums a bit and W picks up on her. Together they sing about the sleigh ride they are experiencing. They imagine they’re in a small country town where there are farmers and close-knit parties. They take comfort in their little imagined world and spend the rest of the time singing about it even coming up with names.

[zitavoros]

6 lessons i learned in the hospital

I know it's a bit cliché to make a lessons-learned-during-a-less-than-ideal-experience type of blog, but I honestly think it's important to do it anyways. Being in the hospital is not something I was thrilled about, but I think I need to set aside the stigma and shame that comes with it and write about some stuff I learned along the way to help me reflect on life. Mental health advocacy is important, and as someone who is normally pretty open anyways, I think it’s essential that I discuss it and give my takeaways for people that may not understand what it’s like to struggle with mental health. 

Here are some things I have learned along the way so far:

1: age is just a number

In the ER, the age range varied from a couple of 10-year-olds to individuals well into their 70s. I was not as surprised at the people on the older side of life, but was shocked to find the kids who were at- or had just barely passed through- the first decade of their lives, most of which they were infants for. A good number of them, both young and old, were struggling with mental health and suicidal ideations just as I was.

Looking at the children in the ER, I suddenly better understood the number of nurses, volunteers, and elders who have told me a countless number of times that I am young, and things do get better.

I never put it into perspective, and have, for the most part, dismissed these words as a "you don't get it" sort of thing, but this shifted my understanding of mental health as well as life. Age is just a number, there are kids- children out there struggling and wanting to die, and despite me wishing for the exact same thing, I can't help but think about the lives they could live out if they got help, and how they're just so young. This was, by far, the most important thing I have learned, as it put my own struggle on a timeline by comparison.

2: you never know someone's story

This is a lesson I truly wish I could share with the nurses and hospital volunteers that I talked to. Although I know they meant all the best with their words, often the times when one would come and "cheer me up" would be the sessions I followed up with equally long bouts of crying. I ultimately wish talking with people for 3 minutes about serious topics did not give that person the idea that they can solve my life problems. A person's story cannot be fully explained in a nutshell, and is obviously more intricate than an overview.

A few of my highlights, because it's easier to show this lesson through example rather than description:

"You know what I would do? Talk to my mom. Talking to my mother always makes things a million times better, and I think you should give it a try, especially since you said you two barely speak now!"

(I do not really feel comfortable speaking to my mom due to family problems)

"Have you tried taking on an unpaid internship? Those are the new startup jobs, you can basically go anywhere from an unpaid internship, cause it truly shows you care. I'd start there if I were you!"

(I have, unfortunately, not had the chance to take on an unpaid anything, as I've been working part-time during school, full-time during the summer, along with my siblings, in order to pay for some everyday expenses)

"You think you're fat? Honey, have you seen me?"

(This is just straight-up invalidating, and does not help. Anyone can have body image issues and struggles. Medically I am on the verge of being obese. Relative to others who weigh more than me, yes, I am obviously less heavy, but that does not discount my struggle with my weight my entire life, and my struggles with my body being one key contributing factor in my suicidality & a leading cause to my depression)

3: those who you see doing great may be struggling just as much as you

This one was a difficult one to understand. There were some people in the in-patient unit who were, by all means, better than me (from my perspective) in every single way. Young, gorgeous, thin, great students, seemingly good relationships with parents, friends who came to visit, significant others, the works. It wasn't until some heavier conversations that I found that they all  struggled with mental health just as much as me, and had self-esteems down in the pits. It was humbling to know that students who I would normally just pass off as neurotypical were in the same bus as I was, and we were all here for equally valid reasons.

4: the key is not about implementing all the coping mechanisms and stress-relievers, it's about finding the one that works for you

This is the main takeaway from my second round of hospitalization in the past month. When I got out, I tried to implement every last skill I had learned during my time here, and it quickly got out of hand. I was overwhelmed by my options. If I had an anxious moment, it would worsen by my list of choices of how to calm myself down. Do I cook? Do I read? Do I meditate? Take a walk? Practice deep breathing? Take a nap? Art therapy? Pet therapy? The options were so vast, I could not deal with them. 

The easiest way to deal with this is to pick one. The occupational therapist gave me the suggestion to schedule one or two into the day, or even the week. Doesn't have to be everyday. Could be alternating days. You can pick your favourites, the coping skills that work and help you genuinely, and mark them down for M / W / F, and put another one down for T / Th. This specific goal is what I think is helpful to follow for those times when anxiety strikes.

5: it's easy to discuss life plans and plans for change when separated from the thick of it- a lot harder to deal with it when thrust back into the real world

You know the feeling. Maybe it's winter or summer break, and you've got a lot of time to plan. If you're an adult / not in school, maybe you're on vacation for a week, separated from work. Maybe it's a long weekend, or about to be New Years' Eve. You think to yourself, "Wow, when I get back to work I'm going to be so productive. I'm going to start working out. I'll change myself for the better, I'll eat right, I'll get to sleep on time, I'll meditate, I'll love myself, I'll care about my body, I won't put myself down."

These things are so easy to say in theory, but so much harder to actually implement in life once you're back in the midst of the everyday. When I got out of the hospital the first time, my problem was not with using coping strategies often, it was with going back to the same stress-factors that had landed me there in the first place. I was hit with the same problems: school, work, financial matters, life goals, weight problems all came crashing back and I did not know how to properly deal with it all.

It is a lot easier to discuss change in theory, but actually going after what you want is going to take time, and not everything will change overnight. I had to learn that the hard way, and have to understand that it will take time to actually feel better from medication, to lead a better life, to reach my goals, and so forth.

6: you are not cured the moment you leave

This one should be obvious, but it's been difficult coming in contact with professors and fellow students who tell me I "look better" or I look a lot happier. This is probably the hardest lesson for me to grasp. I do look better, and I am “happier” in a sense, but I am still struggling a lot more than I wish to be. I thought that as soon as I left, I was supposed to be “back to normal,” and really had a difficult time adjusting because I simply was not. I still felt lost. 

I am a lot more hopeful for the future now, but will continue to speak up about mental health and be an advocate for discussing it, because the battle doesn't end the moment you step out of the constant supervision of health professionals. It's an everyday problem, not just for myself, but others as well. Although I do feel completely different than I did when I first entered, I still have a ways to go before I can say I am doing great, and mean it wholeheartedly. 

[the-mamas-project]

The MAMAS Project - Steph

A mother’s intuition. Truthfully, it’s something I hadn’t thought about in a while, and definitely something I didn’t access wholly until I had my second child. My first’s entry into life was paralleled with a deep identity crisis and newness, and I think I masked any intuition I had (mostly) with a false confidence, rather than a true confidence in my ability.

When I went to meet up with our May participant, one of the first things she said to me was that she had made two firm promises to herself pre-baby: trust her gut, and not to have mom guilt. And I can’t help but think, that the two really go hand in hand. Because, if you can trust your gut wholly, or at least mostly, perhaps then you can trust the moments you take for yourself, are needed and not guilty pleasures.

Moments of wisdom, and aha’s are not rare when you’re in conversation with Stephanie Jhala. In fact, I found myself repeatedly saying, I totally agree, or oh my god yes, when I met with the new mom in Richmond BC. She is not just reflective, but also tirelessly positive, a refreshing perspective when so much of mom’ing can be complaints…husband, sleep, personal space. The mom troubles can go on if you let them. And Steph doesn’t deny that those exist, she just simply tries to let them go and choose a different perspective. In fact, she has experienced some of the greatest woes that a mother can have, even in the short time she has been one.

Steph comes from this beautifully diverse family. Her mother is Indonesian, her father is East Indian and they met in North America. As a child, Steph travelled the world with her adventurous mother and sisters, while her father stayed back in Canada, holding down the fort. Not your typical dynamic, but one that has created a family of strong and worldly women.

“I always thought as a kid, my mom is so brave, I guess I’ll be brave too when I grow up. She was never shy or afraid to explore new places she knew nothing about; her friendly demeanor always opened doors no matter where we were. We would travel to mostly developing countries, and not necessarily the safest ones, so we could experience what it was like to be in other parts of the world. I’m a good mix of my dad and my mom: I’m responsible like my dad, with a big appetite for adventure like my mom. And over the past recent years I’ve trained myself to have an expanded tolerance for risk. I wasn’t always like that, I used to be a perfectionist that always played it safe. But the pressure of perfection caused too much stress; it was detrimental for my health. So I worked hard on cultivating the qualities I felt would serve me best. In my late 20’s I did a lot of personal growth stuff; much of which paralleled the philosophies my Hindu-Buddhist parents and grandparents instilled in me, but had not been ready to listen to until now. I truly questioned how I wanted to be in the world.”

A year and a half before becoming a mother, Steph took a good look at redefining success. Success no longer looked like logging long days in the office or climbing up the corporate ladder. In anticipation of starting a family, success looked like taking care of her body so that it was in the best shape to grow a baby, living a truly balanced life of adventure, downtime and aligning work with passion.  So she made the shift from the corporate world to building a flexible life as a consultant, helping businesses with a social or environmental mission.

“There is this view in North America that working longer and harder, means you’re more accomplished, but in many parts of the world like the Nordics, they recognize that burnout is detrimental and balance brings greater productivity and happiness.  With wanting career and family, I decided to get creative to design a life I really wanted to live.”

Steph was well into this journey of self-discovery when she and her husband decided to start trying. They got pregnant right away. Steph began researching and meditating on the type of mother she wanted to be.

“Before I had Aria, I made a rule to not have mom guilt. I was reading a lot of forums and I was like, WOW mom guilt is real! I thought, it doesn’t serve me and it doesn’t serve my baby. Despite not knowing all the answers, I’m always going to try my best and figure it out. If I don’t treat myself well, then how can I expect my daughter to learn self-worth? It’s been a really interesting experience discovering my own intuition.  I think I was an intuitive child, as many of us are, but then I lost that inner trust as I grew up.  I became very intellectual as a teenager, very fact-based, I wanted scientific evidence for everything. Motherhood is a real opportunity: I could read all the books in the world (and they are very useful), but when it comes down to it, I’m just going to trust my gut. Moms have done this for millions of years, and babies have survived, and animals don’t have classes, they just innately know what to do.”

Her intuition kicked in during her pregnancy, when everyone around her guessed she was having a boy, yet she felt deep within her that she was having a girl. And her father agreed.

“My father had a dream that she was a girl, and not just any girl, but an indigo child. I didn’t know what that meant, and put aside my airy-fairy preconceptions. An indigo or blue-ray child comes to this earth with a mission, a humanitarian mission, and she chose me as her mother, to train her to fulfill on this. I didn’t know if I believed in all these things, but if it’s true, then great, because I’ve already dedicated my life to making a difference - and have plans to raise my mini-me’s to do the same.”

Steph and her husband had a healthy pregnancy and planned for a home birth, that went smoothly until the end.

“When she came out she was limp and not breathing. We were encouraging her, come on baby girl you got this, take your first breath, you can do this, mommy and daddy are here for you. An extremely rare occurrence: her umbilical cord got pinched between her shoulder and the birth canal in the last couple of pushes. I was told blue-ray beings have a hard time entering this world, and many don’t make it past birth. Our amazing doula opens our apartment door for the paramedics, I am butt naked on the floor delivering the placenta, as my incredible midwives perform CPR on our little angel. We get rushed to the hospital in separate ambulances. No time or space for panic. This is the moment where all my training, since I was a child, of meditation and mind over matter needed to kick in. And it did. I deliberately chose not to assume the worst, and went with what’s happening, moment to moment. In this moment, my baby IS ALIVE, and my gut tells me everything is going to be ok. We had a healthy pregnancy and I have a healthy baby. She just needs a little help waking up. I chose to stay in that mindset, instead of, oh my god my baby might die…which also was a possibility.”

She really could have died, but Steph thought, 

“How do I want this story to end? If I truly could manifest my future, a concept I dismissed as hippy-dippy growing up, this was the most important moment for it to work.”

The stay in the hospital NICU was really hard: a blur of doctors, nurses, pumping milk around the clock, not being able to hold her baby, recovering from a physically demanding labour and very little rest. She was told her baby was the sickest baby in the unit, challenging her decisions leading up to the birth.

“We experienced so many different views at the hospital. Depending on who was on the shift, we felt totally supported or totally judged. Some blamed me for having a home birth, or being 18 days overdue and not inducing the baby to come out earlier. Should I have felt ashamed of my choices?”

But Steph was armed with the research she had done pre-birth, stuck with her gut and stood confidently by her decisions and birth team. Later confirmed, this freak accident would have happened regardless of delivering at home or in hospital, on her due date or past.

“The average first time baby is born at 40 weeks and 10 days. So when baby was just over a week past what’s actually normal, we were still within a safe timeframe. I trust my body and my baby, and I wanted to let nature take its course. Medical interventions can do miraculous things, like saving lives. But at the same time, our bodies can do miraculous things too so why not trust it rather than assume that it’s too dangerous, too painful or too risky.”

Steph is 35, and I wonder while I am interviewing her, if her confidence is reflective of her age. I think this may play a role in her strength of character, but I think too that she is special like that. I remind myself not to feel envious that I didn’t have that same certainty when I was a new mom, and I am comforted to hear that even she struggles with the changes post baby. And also deals with mom guilt.

“You just can’t know what it’s like until you have one. All of a sudden this baby enters your world. I felt this extreme joy and love, but also a real devastation, like I’ve lost my own life. I had no idea how all consuming a baby would be. From being someone that was so active to being at home, was really hard, isolating and to be honest, boring. I feel bad for watching Netflix. I feel bad for not reading to my baby everyday. I feel bad for feeling bad. Ha ha, the mom guilt can be endless. It’s a daily thing. But I get to choose to put the guilt aside and (with a lot of reminders from my husband) know that I’m doing a great job.”

I was so excited to interview Steph, because beyond all the things we discuss, the Steph I knew just a bit of outside of motherhood, is a dynamic and strong female voice, and founder of a girl gang. And I was anxious to see how that would translate to raising a baby girl. I couldn’t have been more relieved and pleased when I immediately identified in our conversation a running theme of: you got this. 

We really do. Deep down inside, if we just allow ourselves to listen, we know what to do for our families and we can choose our mindset and approach.

“Like all other human beings, I have moments of feeling crappy. People sometimes say that my posts on social media are inspiring. I don’t want to create a false impression, like I never struggle, but I also don’t want to perpetuate complaints or reasons why life sucks. My sad story won’t get me anywhere. Through the clouds, my daughter will grow up knowing she can chose empowerment, stand by her gut and brave anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that comes her way.”

Written + Photographed by Jena 

Edited + Formatted by Sarah

[republicstandard]

American Autopsy: That Esquire Article

———

Social media is aflame with the vile reactions to the March 2019 Esquire article profiling an American boy, Ryan Morgan. An American boy who is, as we need to clarify these days, white.

While the anti-white reactions indeed indicate the downward spiral of our society and warrant discussion, I want to take a different approach.

We’re going to focus here on the Esquire article itself.

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The piece is a high wire balancing act, ping-ponging between the familiar anti-white line and some vague gestures towards understanding the white experience. “Gestures” being the operative word.

The article and its packaging do just enough to seem edgy in 2019 America—they have to sell magazines after all, and while most media outlets parrot the anti-white rhetoric, every so often we get an editor who wants to feel like a maverick.

Is this really anything risky though? Or is it a sleight-of-hand that’s only supposed to appear risky?

Passages of the article are banal, which seems purposeful as if to project Ryan’s voice into the writer’s. This is especially true of the awkward opening, where Ryan was expected to answer what it might be like to be a girl. Who knows how the question was posed, how the journalist spun it, and what we can or should expect from an average seventeen-year-old boy when asked about what it might be like to be a girl.

As for the main thrust of the piece, the Esquire staff knew this would cause a stir among the anti-whites, as writers and YouTubers are rightly discussing.

So let’s look at what you’re allowed to think, the furthest you’re allowed to go in the mainstream if you’re presenting a neutral profile of an individual—the escape valve, the acceptable controversy, the corporately approved rebellion Esquire is engaging in.

The article states that the subject, Ryan, lives in West Bend, Wisconsin, “one of the last Republican strongholds.”

But then it goes on to say,

“Trump held a campaign rally at its conference                   center in 2016, where he declared, ‘I’m asking for the vote of every African-American citizen struggling in our country today,’ even though only 2 percent of West Bend’s population is African-American (Whites account for 95 percent.)”

The article also makes sure to point out that the most popular opinion at West Bend High School seemed to be anti-Trump.

The high school itself is described as, “looking like a five-acre Tetris block fallen in a grass field. A guard buzzes us in. The risk of school shootings is taken seriously.” Sounds a little too reminiscent of a prison for those of us imagining ennobled Faustian societies, and how the education of the youth might look in such an order.

All this in spite of the town and high school being generally safe, with barely any violent incidents in its recent history.

So we see a major theme established: atrophy. No greatness being made again. Even in the American heartland. Even with a President in office who was supposedly dog whistling white-positive overtures while on the campaign trail.

Ryan describes a loss of agency he’s experienced, not trusted because he’s a straight white male.

While discussing social media, he’s quoted as saying,

“I’d post a comment, and the replies would all be the same thing: ‘You’re stupid, and that’s dumb’ or ‘You suck’ or ‘You’re straight, you can’t talk about something LGBT.’”

We learn that Ryn takes in all perspectives and now makes sure to watch both Fox News AND CNN. He leans rights but has embraced the center. So the general reader is meant to lap up this conclusion: Ryan sidestepped the pitfalls of slipping further into the right wing and the scourge of identity politics.

The article makes a comment on how Ryan doesn’t fit into social cliques, notably indicating that he doesn't spend time with, in his own words, “white guys who all hang out with their trucks and guns and say, ‘Heil Trump’ and all that.” Other cliques were listed in the article, and all must have been mentioned by Ryan when the writer, Jennifer Percy, was interviewing him. But only this “white Heil Trump” group was put in quotes, put in Ryan’s own words. A telling detail.

Nevertheless, Ryan is ultimately presented as a representative of Trump’s base, albeit more level-headed. Despite that, we hear no positive political reasoning or viewpoints from Ryan.

We’ll have wait for the subsequent articles in this Esquire series that present the diversity crew, but something tells me that those kids will be more outspoken and opinionated. Esquire wouldn’t dare profile a budding James Allsup, for example, someone who could have debated finer points of white identity and offer critiques of multiculturalism.

Of course, I’m not attacking Ryan himself. I’m analyzing the magazine’s choice of profiling him, the slice they are presenting—as the edge of acceptability, no less. You get the impression that their subject, Ryan, is just, kind of...floating.

Ryan is quoted as saying: “It’s better to be a moderate, because then you don’t get heat. We want everyone to be happy.”

This is the Peterson Principle, everyone!

Another young white male saved from taking too strong a stance for his identity. From caring too much about his European heritage and the European civilization in which he lives. All this despite the swarms currently belching their contempt on social (and professional) media over the mere fact that you’re even hearing from Ryan.

Maybe he’s hiding his power levels, who knows? But we have to assess what we’re being shown.

There’s a passage where a teacher of his makes a gesture towards fairness—much like the article itself—in having the class sing two songs, one representative of liberal views, the other of conservative views.

Putting aside the childishness of having high school seniors participate in a singalong as a lesson, the liberal song contains lyrics with a positive vision while the conservative paints a picture of fear and destruction.

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The article tells us,

“The Liberal Song” is set to the tune of “Ode to Joy.” Mr. Inkmann offers to sing first before everyone joins in. “If I were a liberal, liberal, life would be so very great,” the lyrics read, “knowing that in liberal land this other man could marry me.” ...“The Conservative Song,” set to the tune of “Beer Barrel Polka,” includes lines like “I hate social programs, they really make me want to puke / I would rather use the money for a two-ton nuke” and “Welfare is not good, before we had it, people tried / And I hope the biggest criminals are electrified!”

When mainstream news media is referenced, only one fall from grace bears mentioning, that of Fox News pundit, Bill O’Reilly.

We see a rather unmissable portrait outlined: conservatism and its avatars in traditional white America are on the wane. This way of life and these people are losing their grip. When one realizes Wisconsin is set to be a swing state come the 2020 Presidential election, we get an even better idea of why Ryan Morgan of West Bend was chosen as the subject.

In it's general the tone the article is drab.

The accompanying photographs convey a detached, almost bored eye. The colors and emotions expressed are often bland, save for one sweet photo of Ryan carrying his girlfriend on his back, both smiling.

We hear of Ryan’s divorced parents at a couple of points. They live as far away from each other as legally possible for having joint custody. When they meet bi-monthly at a parking lot to exchange him, Ryan’s parents park their cars in opposite directions so that they don’t even see each other. Fracture and sadness abound in modern America.

Esquire is showing you a snapshot of something in decline. Through the semblance of presenting something fair, interesting, or controversial—depending on who you ask— you can feel this sort of exposé throwing a deathly pall over white America.

While Ryan indeed seems like a good kid, Esquire shows its hand in choosing him because there’s a troubling story from his past woven throughout the article. There had been an incident where a girl at school slapped him, and he then slapped her back.

There were ramifications that followed and even a bit of legal action.

Although we also learn that Ryan doesn’t drink or do drugs, is in advanced classes, aspires to work as an environmental scientist, getting up at 5:30 am for an internship at a water plant, and seems like he genuinely wants to do right by people, this specter of the incident with the girl haunts the article, repeated at intervals.

The message is this: no matter how upstanding a young white man may seem, there could be a woman beater lurking inside.

There could be a hater lurking inside.

He is born guilty, always carrying the stain.

So step back, be mild, be moderate, stay in the center. Take in the perspectives of the margins as if they drive society and don’t question it.

If you color outside these lines, you risk becoming a monster. Be a nice Jekyll and let the new culture ministers continually browbeat you to prevent the ugly Hyde from emerging.

This is the sandbox you are allowed to play in, white man.

We’re shown the outer edges of that sandbox in this article. As mentioned, many are indeed vehemently pushing back against this article even existing “in the current year.”

Every so often, the white man may be acknowledged in new media. But even that is becoming verboten.

The sandbox is shrinking.

Don’t say anything.

As Ryan himself stated, quoted on the magazine cover,

“I know what I can’t do… I just don’t know what I can do.”

from Republic Standard | Conservative Thought & Culture Magazine http://bit.ly/2Ij9qGm via IFTTT