#tried my damnedest not to self harm

[jacob-blogs]

It's crazy how these past two months have been a legit trip and I have not cried more in my entire life. There are so many things I never worked on within myself that, given the chance, I would have taken to the grave. However, my recent experiences have opened my eyes to the true possibilities of having a life well lived, as well as how much pain that comes with living a full life. I'm coming to terms with how I compartmentalized my relationships: gave friendship to friends, love to lovers, and sex to everyone. I grew comfortable living in the space in-between that existed without labels or boundaries. And how damaging that paradigm was to my psyche.

I'm healing slowly, yet life is passing by rapidly.

It's a dangerous space to occupy.

[save-the-villainous-cat]

Can you write something with a younger (older teen or young adult) sidekick who gets caught using their power to harm themselves

tw: sh

since I am not able to post much because of my beloved German internet connection, my husband helped me with this one: @epiclamer

Their first instinct was to shake the sidekick. To squeeze their shoulders and shake and shake until they would wake the fuck up and stop what they were doing.

The hero had never been good with the kid. For god’s sake, they weren’t a parent. It was too much responsibility, too much to worry about. It had never been a problem for them, their relationship to the kid had always been one of professional interest. They were here to help the hero. And since their regenerative powers had them covered, the hero didn’t have to worry about them dying.

Not in a short time of period, at least somewhere in the long run. Maybe.

But now, the hero was nearly furious.

“What are you doing?” The hero tried their damnedest not to shout. Shouting would only scare them. The sidekick was old enough — should have been old enough — to understand what kind of mistake they were making.

Upon hearing their voice, the sidekick hid their arm. They turned around, teary eyes looking to the floor.

“I—”

The hero’s voice quivered. “What are you doing?”

When the sidekick didn’t answer, the hero took a step forward. Yet, as the kid mirrored their movement and took a step back, the hero stopped.

“If there’s anything I did wrong, I—” Somehow it only crossed the hero’s mind now what this truly meant. “What is it? Please tell me. Please.”

Another step forward. Another one back. But the hero was faster this time. They caught the sidekick’s wrists, watching as the blood on their forearms trickled to the ground slowly.

“Did I do something wrong, did I…?” The hero didn’t understand. They didn’t comprehend why they would do this.

“I’m sorry—” they cried. They fell into the hero’s arms hugging them tightly. But the hero was frozen, barely even breathing as their brain tried to catch up.

They longed for an answer, for a reason, for anything that could explain why their beloved sidekick was doing this to themselves. Silent tears brimming their eyes and slowly falling down their cheeks.

The sidekick only hugged them tighter, trying to prod any sort of reaction out of their superior. They were never supposed to find out about this…

“Sidekick…” The hero’s throat formed a sickly feeling lump. Leaving their mouth dry and a stutter in their breaths.

“I-I’m so sorry… I’m so so so sorry…”

They shook their head, tears dropping onto their shaking sidekick. “Why. Why would you…”

Every last part of the sidekick’s heart had shattered. Watching the one they loved and admired be so upset—so disappointed—with them.

The feeling of guilt only crawled from their stomach to their throat and the sidekick tasted bile.

“I— I don’t know—”

“Don’t. Don’t lie to me.” The hero’s eyes flicked back down to their sidekick’s arm, tears blurring their vision as they clenched their jaw and ground their teeth.

They were still bleeding, most of their strength had gone into healing the wound, but their powers were susceptible to emotions and with the outburst they ran haywire. Not properly sewing back up their skin as it left jagged white lines in its wake.

It took every last fibre in the hero’s body to not lose their head. They needed to stay calm. They needed to be strong for their sidekick, like always, right?

But what if it was their fault? What if they were the reasoning behind sidekick’s self harm? Then what?

“Hero, I swear I—”

The hero took a deep breath, staring down at the blood and at their distraught friend. Settling for the decision they thought was best before they dared speak.

“We can talk later. Just please, please tell me it’s not my fault?”

[campgender]

idk if other folks who switch have experience with this but lately i’ve been teasing out this gordian knot of victim-blaming in which after i have a dicey-or-worse time subbing for someone i get really insecure about my [self / skills / persona] as a dom. the thought process basically goes like:

the person domming didn’t do anything wrong.

therefore anything i feel they did wrong, such as something they introduced without negotiation, is my fault for being upset by because [i’m too sensitive / i’m a fucked up bad victim / whatever].

other people, who are not ontologically Too Much, would be okay with this. no one else has raised this issue with them before so either i’m the only one who’s had a problem or i’m retroactively accusing this person of fucking people’s shit up.

option b is unutterable in addition to genuinely not being my read on the situation therefore me being hurt is my fault, this is what everybody else is okay with / expecting / looking for.

if this shit is What Subs Want & i am thoroughly not delivering it then maybe i’m not any good at domming. (tellingly, my response to this insecurity is never to stop negotiating / checking in so much but rather to draw back from d-type roles.)

so. pick a thread and pull.

“either i shouldn’t be harmed or a lot of other people have been” is a false dichotomy & vast oversimplification of the factors + forces at play (pun intended) here. building + maintaining a sexual ethic is a lifelong process, and i’ve harmed so many people (whether we’ve had ‘a sexual relationship’ or not) as a result of my own ignorance, reactionary beliefs, trauma, fear, power-hunger, insecurity, etc around sex. believing the best of someone — that they mean what they say & aren’t trying to harm me — doesn’t mean treating them as static, never in need of learning; that’s dehumanizing + unfair to both of us. it’s certainly not how i’d want to be treated.

it’s okay for me to need things that are different from other people. even if i was literally The Most Sensitive Man In The World i’m worth accommodating when it’s not harming others & if someone can’t or doesn’t want to meet my needs they don’t have to fuck me.

plenty of people don’t know that there are more boundaries on heaven & earth than have been dreamt of in our philosophy, that there are depths of communication people will travel through with them proactively & earnestly, that there are those of us doing our damnedest to teach these things to one another again & again every time the world tries to write over them.

some of those people, i’ve had the honor of them subbing for me, & the thing is, their limitless wisdom & grace inverts the paranoia entirely: when i tell some d-type stranger what i need to make the night viable, i am projecting the view from a blueprint we’ve drafted together. i trust the people i dom to be honest about their desires (& whether those are being met) because they are why i’m able to be honest about my own. of course i give them what they want; we talk about what that is.

[ananonymousvoid]

I was afraid I might be involuntarily committed today.

I was at the hospital for some paperwork reasons and went up to the mental health department (where I get regular care) and was like "hi, I don't have an appointment but I'm not doing super great, can I see someone on my care team? I'm not going to do anything drastic but sooner would be better than later if we could"

So I got to fill out a NEW form I'd never seen before which said "Triage" at the top and I wasn't excited about that

And then I got to talk to a nurse a little bit and explained to him that while yes, my depression is pretty extreme right now and I'm fairly apathetic about life I have no interest in being dead and will in fact be doing my damnedest to keep living because I'm busy and have things to do.

And then sat there for a few minutes while he tried to figure out who I was going to see next, and I'm not going to lie the intrusive thoughts were pretty loud just then and so I was both bouncing my leg and also doing the etch-a-sketch shake out the bad thoughts thing, and I decided I should probably mention that I was struggling with thoughts of self harm, just not terminal.

Some more questions and some more work to figure out who I'd be seeing next.

I had 20 minutes until whoever it was going to be was ready and I mentioned my desire to run back to my car to hit my vape and drop off my hoodie.

And the nurse says "I can't let you go"

And I started panicking (internally) and calmly said "no"

And he was like "well no, I mean, if you're having intrusive thoughts like that I don't think they'd want me to let you go out to the car"

And not so calmly I said something to the effect of "yeah I heard you but no, I do not consent to being held, I do not accept your recommendation, I'm going to my car, I'll be back in 20 minutes"

"you're sure you're coming back?"

"want my wallet? My car keys? As surety?"

He did not keep my things or me and I did go and I did come back and I saw a new social worker and had a very productive chat with him about treatment plans for the next couple of steps and all's well relatively speaking

But oh my was I DEEPLY worried for a bit in the middle there that I was heading for grippy socks vacation

[somelazyassartist]

.

[dinodinodin0]

You are not damaged goods.

Pairing: Eddie Munson x selfharning!reader

Warnings! Self harm, mention of deep cuts, depressed reader, mentions of feeling empty, comfort, reassurance,

"hey, hey, sweetheart look at me," Eddie beckons, holding your face in his hands and looking intently into your eyes.

"it's okay. I'm going to grab some bandages, a hot towel, and some rubbing alcohol okay? I promise it's alright doll face." He says, planting a quick kiss in your forehead and hastily getting up to grab his supplies.

You engulfed in sobs, staring at your limbs in shock. You were aware that you did it, it wasn't subconscious, but you came to a realization just how deep you did it this time. It was getting worse. Each time you did it, you longed to go deeper. Maybe if it hurt more, it'd justify how shitty you already felt.

And now, you involved your boyfriend. You got an overwhelming urge to cut while he was staying in your house, so you snuck off to your bathroom. You tried to subside the feeling for so long, but eventually the urge overcame you. It felt like withdraws. eventually it was too much. When you realize what you'd done, you broke down into sobs, calling for Eddie .

He returned to the bathroom, and crouched down to you.

"okay baby, I'm going to first clean it with a warm rag okay? You're okay baby" he said, trying to mask the worry in his voice.

The warm feeling was calming and grounding, but you felt as if you were sinking in guilt. You hated that he had to clean your wounds, you hated how you worried him. You hated all of it.

"Eddie.. Eddie I'm so sorry-" you sobbed, hiccuping as words spilled out.

"baby it's okay I understa-"

"no.. I'm sorry.. you don't deserve this. You don't deserve what I do to you. All I do is harm you and worry you, I never meant for you to know about this and now you..are cleaning my wounds," you confessed, almost frustrated. He didn't understand. you loved him so much, and even though you always know him finding out was a possibility you still couldn't stop. you felt incredibly guilty for it.

"baby.. I'm happy I know. I can't imagine what would happen if you went deeper or something and I just.. wasn't there. I can't imagine it" he told you, choking up.

"and.. I always suspected something. I assumed it was nothing but scratches or an old childhood scar because you're so.. happy all of the time. I'm so sorry I never checked. "

You were mortified that they had been visible at times. You spent so much time covering them, embarrassed of them. You hated how they looked, and you felt like you looked mangled.

"I.. I'm sorry.. I feel so ugly, just. Bleeding out like this. I can't help but feel like I look like.. damaged goods." Your hissed and gasped as you felt the stinging sensation of the alcohol, painful stinging washing over you.

"shit! Sorry, I should have warned you first. " He exclaimed, remorseful look on his face.

"and you are not damaged goods. You're not a product to be sold, nobodies going to refuse buying you because you're bruised. You're gorgeous, and you're mine. I liked you with them before, I'll love you with new ones. You.. you are the most beautiful thing. You're so full of love, and so much care for others around you. I know sometimes you say you feel empty, but when you can feel, you try your damnedest to make everyone comfortable and happy. If anyone would turn down someone like that because of some scars they're a fucking dumbass. Got it?"

He stares into your eyes as you nod, tears flooding your eyes. You reach over and hug Eddie close to you, face burring in his collarbone. He rubbed your back, and held you as tight as he could.

"I'm so sorry y/n. I'm so sorry."

When you two calmed down and sobs turned to sniffles, you let you go with a kiss on the top of your forehead. He smiled at you and applied your bandages.

"I love you, y/n."

"I love you too."

A/N hey guys, sorry if this is kinda dark and not relatable lmao, I wrote this to help me fall asleep last night and kinda just,, wrote how he'd react to my thoughts in the hopes that maybe it'd help someone else when they're thinking the way I was. I hope this gets to someone who might need it :)

[mercityart]

So, I've been thinking and I wanna do a creepypasta x y/n type thing, if y'all could send requests n stuff that'd be awesome. For now tho, let's start simple.

Tw: these characters are mentally unwell individuals who don't typically have the means for therapy or medication, they aren't meant to be perfect, and just like so many other ppl they can be toxic and exhibit bad behavior such as self harm, possessiveness and so much more.

WHAT TYPE OF LOVER THEY ARE.

Toby- ooooh boy buckle up for this one. Toby is extremely sweet, almost sickeningly so if we are being honest. However, he does have really bad episodes. Toby has many mental issues, some being schizophrenia and bpd(borderline personality disorder), along with bipolar. His mood can switch so quick and violently it's nauseating. He has episodes he has little to no memory of and severely struggles with self harm, eating disorders and much more. He does not mean to hurt himself and/or others. He tries his best to treat you like a prince/princess/royalty/etc. He loves to take you on hikes and anything physically active and outside, always having far too much energy. He's the type of lover who will carry you on his back or shoulders if you are too exhausted or even hurt. Speaking of which, never tell him you are hurt or gods forbid it's the end of the world. He will baby tf outta you. He's the true definition of "golden retriever boyfriend". Although I see him more as a rednecks bullybreed in my opinion. Sweet, smiley, overly energetic, smart but super ditzy but will bite someone if told to, forever loyal. During episodes where he's super down just rub his back and hum to him, don't force him to do stuff and take everything at one miniscule step at a time, instead of thinking "just take a shower then rest before something else" think "ok, turn on the water, see how far you can go and if you are too tired that's ok, I'll help you, if you just don't wanna, that's ok I'm here let's watch or listen to music". Honestly he just needs a lot more love. He will be protective, playful and always willing to help. A good boy.

Tim- Oh dear Thanatos give me strength. This man is such a softy for his lover(s). He has such a gruff exterior and will always display it, however, when it comes to you that'll soften significantly. You are baby. That's that. He will treat you as his equal, always. This is good and bad though as he will forget that you aren't used to the shit he goes through as the unfortunate victim of the Operator. Don't get me wrong, he will eventually realize but it takes his brain a lil bit of calibrating first. For example, he can say something super insensitive then after a few minutes he's all, "aw shit, darlin I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it like that, are you ok? What I meant was-" He tries his damnedest I swear, he's just a mentally ill southern man, he ain't the brightest at times but he tries. Now, he can have a temper but rest assured it's unlikely he'll ever lay a hand on you, some other poor soul? Maybe, but definitely not you. He may slam a door or stomp about but he won't even breathe on you. Sometimes though, after a really rough day he can end up in a screaming match with you, but he'll try and make up for it like crazy. Breakfast in bed, more per names, maybe an "I love you" he seldom gives, hell he may even slow dance with you in the kitchen while you guys make food. This mf do be making dad jokes like crazy, he's toughen up a lot since marble hornets but he's still Tim. He's a goofball at times. And let's not forget whats also not battery powered. Cue the music. He loves sitting out on the porch or the windowsill strumming at his guitar or ukalele while writing lil lyrics, later presenting you with his song once it's finished. Also, he gives the best hugs, we love our strong short chubby king.

Brian- look at this hunk of a man. He is like a mix of Tim and Toby. He's smart, calculating, absolutely charming, but he can also be tough, silly and oh so caring. He will always throw around jokes and give the biggest smug grin afterwards showing his gorgeous smile(the cute Lil tooth gaaap) He loves to pick you up and swing you around with his big strong arms. Actually, he loves showing off for you in general when he can. He's really fit, constantly working out, but it's a bit unhealthy, hence why he's so obviously muscular. He doesn't eat a healthy amount and excercises too much, unlike Tim who is just as strong bit looks less fit. This man is the definition of a highschool Jock except he's actually super fucking smart. Now, be aware he's a psychology major, he can be very quite at times and is able to analyze every move you make. He is extremely protective, at times to the point of possessiveness but sometimes it's as though he couldn't really give af. He is an absolute beast of a man, he will use his extreme height, broadness and muscle mass to his advantage. However he is so soft with you. If y'all fight though he is not going to hesitate to pick you up and put you over his shoulders, put you somewhere soft and quiet and then leave for a few hours to cool down. He isn't prone to violence but be careful, if he snaps he blacks out and even Tim would panic in that scenario. He does do everything he can in his power to prevent this from happening, taking medication, smoking weed, going on a long hike, taking anger out on trees, etc. Tbh him and Tim are like dads.

Jeff- Jeff, oh boy. Now, he is definitely a lil rat bastard, as most short trans men(such as myself) are, but xe's not as bad as you may think. Honestly he likely will treat you like a best friend. It will make some morbid jokes, smoke with you if you want, do some stupid shit like vandalism, he don't give af. Xe is very into alternative fashion and music, if you enjoy doing makeup and all sorts of artsy stuff count him in. He won't hesitate to put you in a headlock btw. He will 100000% throw you around and wrestle with you for shits n giggles. It is also, surprisingly a hopeless romantic. He may act all cool on the outside, or at least try, but xe honestly is all heart eyes at the smallest bs. He is so supportive in his own way, saying stuff like "babe, I promise you, you have the absolutely fffffffffattest ass I have ever seen. You is THICC!" Also, please please please pleeeeease call xem "baby boy", "handsome" or even "bunny", he will absolutely melt, and do this while playing with it's hair while he's sitting down playing on his phone between your legs while yet on the couch? Aaaagbkghklg. This man will do anything you want istg. Also, hope you like dogs bc he's got two. Smile dog(aka smiles) and smiley. I know. So creative right? It didn't want to rename them after finding them so he just stuck with it, but he dies tend to call smiles princess though. Also, will absolutely make you his favorite food growing up that his madre made growing up, empanada.

Liu- ah, big mans. Oooooweeeeee. Liu's side is very reserved and quiet. They will kiss your palms and watch you all puppy like when you talk. He isn't huge on talking as he found with Sully it leads to more arguing. He is a body mods artist so if you want tattoos, pricings, etc. You bet he's doing em. Any price of you he modifies he will kiss oh so sweetly, however, they prefer to reserve kisses for spots you dislike about yourself or past scars to remind you how much he loves and appreciates you. He loves to be big spoon but they prefers you two facing each other equally giving affection so he can see how you melt into him while you also can see just how much he cares about you. Due to their job he does get some big bucks so you better love being absolutely soiled and pampered. Anything you show even the slightest smidge of interest towards is yours now. Also, please do his makeup if you do yours in the morning. Having you sit in their lap doing eyeshadow while he rubs your sides his so therapeutic for him. Extremely gentle giant, his issue is they have a hard time communicating and shuts down when confronted. The best time way to deal with an issue is through notes. He likes to pass notes to one another before speaking and agreeing to a solution fully. They don't usually outwardly show if he's upset, but trust me, you will know. Sully doesn't keep his mouth shut ever.

Sully- Sully is very different from Liu. He's very outgoing and brutally honest, extremely blunt and talkative. He will be extremely wary of you at first, and he has severe, and I mean severe, commitment issues. They'll eventually come around though. They love to show you off, constantly holding you up on a shining pedistle for all to see. He likes to hype you tf up. They also love to dance with you, please dance to some Spanish music with them, it'll make their heart race. He also will give you so so so many kisses if you do anything to honor his heritage as his mother is Latina and he grew up around his Mexican family and even lived in Mexico part of his life growing up. If you sing porque te vas to him he will absolutely smother you with kisses. His favorite food was for sure tamales whilst Liu preferred mole.

Otis- Now, Otis is extremely reserved and can come off as cold when he's not masking. He does card though. She just has a hard time showing it he's not huge on giving physical affection or verbal. He typically shows his love through handmade gifts. He does enjoy cuddling on the couch after a rough day though. They don't hate physical or verbal affection, but growing up he was forced to give affection when he didn't want to and was more often shown "affection" through violence, not to mention she's worried that whatever you are wearing will set off their sensory issues. Otis will 10000% shut down if in a argument, but if anyone threatens him or puts hand on them, she will kick their ass no matter what. Otis is a big boy and exhibits behavior very similar to that of a cat. Her favorite thing to do is to sketch, draw, or paint you when you aren't paying attention. He just loves the way you look and the emotions he feels when observing the work they've created. On a really bad day the best thing for you two to do is take a bath bubble bath together surrounded by yummy smelling candles, ambient lighting, and of course having your skin touch hers. She loves the way your skin feels but hates clothes, if he had it her way he'd never wear clothes but sadly society says otherwise. Their thought process is(as is mine) nothing is innapropriate unless someone makes it innapropriate.

Jack (E.J.)- This man is very cold. He doesn't comprehend emotions as much as he used to before the incident. He loves observing you and trying to determine what emotions he is feeling in that moment. He is extremely blunt and anilitical, always saying whatever he is thinking to say. He struggles with having mercy on your emotions. He does apologize and feel guilty when he finds out it made you feel negatively and is always willing to learn and work things out. He wants you to feel safe, comfortable and loved with him. He believes he is a hard person to love due to his situation, believing he is a hideous monster. He severely lacks confidence and it takes a long time for him to even give you a peak at his skin, nevermind not wear his mask around you. He believes you are the most gorgeous person in exhistence and wholeheartedly believes it. He struggles a lot with his hair and it's very damaged. Jack, prior to the incident was a black man and as such his hair was extremely thick and had a super tight curl pattern. Now he typically keeps it straight, please teach him how to take care of his hair, he loves his natural hair but no one taught him how to take care of it as he was adopted by a racist white family growing up as a teen. give him some locks, cornrows, extensions, box braids, hell, teach him how to keep his hair in a natural state while styling. He loves you touching him and you doing his hair not only boosts his confidence but also is extremely therapeutic for him and he views it as romantic and affectionate. He loves to take care of you and you taking care of him makes his heart swell with love. This man is extremely loving, he won't be too clingy or overbearing, he respects your boundaries. He's simply content with the fact you don't hate or fear him. He does like to sneak up on you though. The little noises that come out of your mouth when you notice his large frame towering over you suddenly is both adorable and hilarious. You are his little rabbit, his mate, his lover, what more can I say?

For more scenarios and characters pls simply comment or send me it privetly as an ask or message.

[astaroth1357]

My Protective Demon and Me: How to Live with Your Overly-Protective Hellspawn!

Intro:

So you've bagged yourself a demon, huh? Well, there are many great benefits to dating the otherworldly creatures of Hell, including increased power, longevity, and security! We can assure you that your demon boyfriend wants nothing more than to keep you safe, dear human, but this can be a new experience for the uninitiated. Never fear, because we have put together this guide to help you navigate the relationship you've just signed your soul into! My Protective Demon and Me is an instructional tool for your new demonic partnership, designed to introduce you to the protective tendencies of Seven Rulers of Hell. Listen to our advice, and you won't be left wondering why your boyfriend insists on carrying you down the stairs or loses his mind when you're injured by paper!

(Warnings: Possessive Behaviors, Implied PTSD, Yandere-ish)

Lucifer 

Now, there's no kind way to say this, but Lucifer will think of you as small, weak, and helpless on most days. We promise it's not quite as insulting as it sounds because to him, that just makes you cuter.

Because he thinks you're so pathetic, he will want to provide for you in all sorts of ways. This includes security.

Lucifer's approach to keeping you safe is a little indirect, and it may sound a tad… invasive, but that's only because he's not able to be with you in person as often as he'd like.

He uses familiars spread across the Devildom to keep an eye on you during the day. Don't fret; these familiars aren't there to tell him about your every waking breath. Just monitor you and report back to him if something's amiss.

If there's an alert, he will drop everything to be sure that you're alright. The second he knows something's wrong, he'll be right with you within a minute, Diavolo be damned. 

He may try to play it off as he just happened to be in the area if others are around, but in truth, he'd use magic to recall himself to your side. 

Speaking of magic… Again, since he can't be with you as much as he wants, you may begin to notice your body getting stronger to a certain degree over your time with him. Is he secretly using magical means to strengthen your bones or make your skin harder to tear? He will never say, so best not ask.

Potential threats against you are dealt with discreetly, mostly under the guise of safeguarding the exchange program for Diavolo. No offenders will ever make it to the castle dungeon, though, as Lucifer tends to finish them off on sight... We recommend that you make yourself scarce during these times. Torture is such a nasty thing to witness...

Lucifer would like to believe that, in being with him, you're the safest that you could possibly be, but he always worries about what danger you're in while he's busy with work. A part of him blames his lack of vigilance over Lilith for her downfall, and he has strained to recover a sense of security over his loved ones ever since... Though he may come across as overbearing, just know he only watches you that closely because he couldn't bear to lose you.

Mammon

If you've won over Mammon's heart, then he's going to guard you as fiercely as a dragon does its treasure. But be warned because this can lead to confrontation...

Mammon will see himself as your bodyguard of sorts, so he'll try to be around you at all hours of the day. He'll start by making excuses like he needs study help, but after a while, he'll just hope you come to accept him as a constant fixture in your life and don't question his hovering.

He will stick very close to you in public, particularly when among other demons. He's the second strongest of his brothers, so this alone should deter most threats but don't be surprised if you see him scan the room you're in from time to time.

Take care not to hurt yourself around Mammon because he has yet to fully process how fragile the human body is. He may panic upon seeing you hurt (and he's not the most helpful when he's panicking…).

Should you get hurt when Mammon is near, you may see his protective instincts spike considerably. He will offer to carry heavy packages, refuse to let you handle sharp objects, and hold out a hand to steer you around tight corners.

Do not threat, this added level of attention is only temporary. Remind Mammon that accidents are a part of human life, and you can get yourself through them as the species normally does. 

If someone actually tries to hurt you, we advise you to stay calm and focus on getting harmed as little as possible. Unfortunately, there will be no good way to talk Mammon out of fighting in your defense. It's best to focus on minimizing the damage to yourself and staying alive until help can be brought to you.

Mammon does this not to look down on you, but because he loves you so deeply, he's devastated any time he sees you hurt. Be patient with him, and he will learn to draw back his fear to a more appropriate level. Always know, though, that he worries about you constantly, so try not to give his demonic heart too many palpitations - yes?

 Leviathan 

Levi is in some ways more chill than his brothers, and in others far more extreme depending on the location you find yourselves in.

If you are in his room (which you will be a lot), then he will be very relaxed. As far as he's concerned, you are in his domain and thus perfectly safe. There's no need to worry about you getting hurt or stumbling upon any rivals.

If you are together in the outside world, however, he will be very on edge. You are the most important individual in his life, so any possibility of you leaving him by death or by choice is not acceptable.

He will try his damnedest to steer you away from large crowds or packed spaces because he will be terrified of losing you in the chaos. Being in any public place where he can't see you will drive his anxiety through the roof. His imagination is quite active, and his mind is always against him.

If you are with his brothers, then he will be particularly tense. He acknowledges both their capacity to drag you into dangerous shenanigans AND steal away your affections, neither of which are options he'd like to pursue.

He will rarely let you be alone with his brothers without express permission, and even then, he has likely shot a threat to them about minding your safety (and your relationship) beforehand. As he is third strongest, only Mammon and Lucifer would ignore his "requests" but only to a point. It's a terrible mess whenever he summons Lotan in the House…

If someone else hurts you retribution will be swift (and bordering on lethal) because he's far more worried about getting back to making sure you're alright. He won't have his Henry dying on his watch, after all.

If you happen to hurt yourself, expect him to stow you away in his room for even longer than usual. Your accidental demise is a recurring fear of his, so he will need a great deal of reassurance that you are still with him and not quite at death's door just yet (yes, even if you get a papercut).

Leviathan is so protective of you because he feels like he has the most to lose if you died/left. He interacts with so few people that having even one show him patience is a game-changer. He would have the hardest time moving on should your presence ever leave him, so protecting you is the best thing he can do to protect himself from that pain in the future.

Satan

Satan's protective nature is less overt than the others, but in many ways, it's more… intense.

He's more familiar than the others with the fragility of human bodies thanks to many years of casual study. Thus, he has bulked up his knowledge of your species in earnest to help keep you safe.

What we mean to say is, fear not, you're now dating a doctor. He may not have an M.D. to his name, but he's pretty damn close.

He will want to know about any slight inconvenience you may be experiencing, from a slight headache all the way to broken bones. He prefers to diagnose your problem quickly then use any combination of magic or medicine to heal your ailments. You will rarely struggle with ongoing discomfort again!

That being said, he can be quite pushy. There will be no, "I'll just sleep it off" with him. If it can be fixed, he will fix it. Your patience be damned.

If you somehow manage to hurt yourself… He will be disappointed, but he will not deny you assistance. He will lecture you if he sees you doing potentially reckless activities, though, because it's his (self-imposed) job to patch you up afterward.

It should really go without saying that most demons know better than to hurt someone he loves. He may not be the strongest of his brothers, but he is among the least merciful, and that does make a difference.

If, for whatever reason, one actually does manage to harm you, then you have an important choice to make. Do you allow him to act on his anger or be the one to show mercy when he will not? If you'd like to be charitable, please consult our helpful material, How to Calm Your Demon Boyfriend: Tame Demons, Save Lives.

At his core, Satan worries about his demonic side because he knows how easily his Wrath can take over. So he does his best to circumvent these destructive tendencies with nurturing ones. He may come off like a worrywart, but helping you is just as much an assurance to him as it is a service to you. He's not destined to hurt you. He can heal you instead.

Asmodeus 

Asmo is a free-spirited individual who would like to afford you the same freedom that he enjoys… but he knows very well how fragile the human body is. He's had many human lovers over the years, so he's very familiar with your limitations.

However, he's also aware of how capable you can be despite your perceived weaknesses (he's been friends with Solomon for years, after all).

Unfortunately, this won't stop him from worrying about your safety entirely. It's nothing personal, we assure you. He simply wants to be sure the love of his life can be with him for as long as possible.

Asmo shows his protectiveness most when confronted. He's far more worried about some demonic lowlife taking advantage of you than he is you falling off a step ladder. He understands that accidents will happen and that most are ultimately harmless, but other people? They can do you far more harm.

Due to his disposition and rank, most demons won't take his claim to you seriously. This is to their folly. Though he may not be physically strong as his elder brothers or even Beel, what he lacks in raw power he makes up for in deception.

Like Mammon and Levi, Asmo will want to be close to you out in public, but he will come across as far more relaxed than those two. This is partly due to his more developed confidence and because it makes it easier for him to charm potential threats into leaving you alone. Things are taken care of quickly after that.

Should you get injured well… Asmo will not be much help for anything aside from getting you to someone who actually can. He'd likely panic worse than Mammon, so do your best to remain calm and assure him that you will be fine after a little assistance.

His treatment of you post-injury won't differ much from how it usually is, because again, he knows that when there's a human involved - it's bound to happen.

Asmo's fear of others, both tragically and ironically, stems from his sin itself. Though he always tries to champion his partners' consent, he knows more than anyone that others can let their Lust drive them mad... His worst nightmare is letting you fall victim to one of those monsters because, frankly, he wouldn't know what to do with himself if that ever were to happen.

Beelzebub 

Beel is protection incarnate. This is something he's been doing long before you met and will likely continue to do until the end of his days. Protecting those he loves is in his nature.

That being said, this means is you are dating the equivalent of a demon-shaped Doberman Pinscher, loving and loyal to you and an absolute nightmare to your enemies.

Though he doesn't feel quite the same need to hang off you as Mammon might, Beel's protection can be likened to something like a hired-bodyguard. Close, but not too close, and always vigilant almost to a territorial degree.

If someone Beel doesn't like approaches you, he may growl at them. We would recommend you heed his warning. Beel is generally a good judge of character, and if something strikes him as off, then there may be cause for concern.

Fortunately for you, Beel does not jump to conclusions nor confrontation very often. Though he may act intimidating, he won't make any moves unless given an "Okay" from you beforehand.

This, however, does NOT apply if someone actually hurts you in any way. Though he may seem sweet and wholesome, please remember, he is a demon and the demon of Gluttony at that. Someone will be eaten for their transgressions, but he would rather you not watch if possible.

Truthfully, what will scare Beel far more than possible attackers are injuries in and of themselves. He has what basic first aid is afforded to anyone who plays sports but is nowhere near qualified to save you from something life-threatening... Should you become injured or sick, it would devastate him that he can no longer take care of you. He may even be at risk of a small breakdown as a result.

The events of Celestial War have perhaps taken their heaviest toll on Beel. Whether it's true or not, he carries a lot of the blame for what happened on his shoulders... The idea of going through something like that again, but now with you, scares him more than anything. Please remember, under that kind exterior lies dormant wounds that will likely remain unhealed long after you're gone...

Belphegor 

Belphegor is a strange case because, in some respects, he is one of the most possessive of the brothers... But he's also the least overtly protective.

Part of it is, yes, his inherent laziness. Following you around all day would be quite a hassle. He also can't expect you to stay in bed with him 24/7 (not that he lets that stop him from trying). Even setting up complex background machinations to keep an eye on you would be too much work...

But that doesn't mean that he leaves you alone entirely. If there is one thing that Belphegor tries to shield you from, it's his brothers. For possessive reasons, yes, but also as a form of protection.

Belphie is acutely aware of how often his brothers' shenanigans can lead to disaster. As such, he'll try to drag you out of their problems as much as possible.

It's not lost on him that the events that lead to your first demise were all due your penchant for meddling in his brothers' affairs. So in his eyes, a fairly simple and effective way to keep you out of trouble would be to keep you from them as much as possible.

As far as injuries go… "He dislikes seeing you hurt" is the least complicated way of putting things. Seeing you with major injuries obviously triggers some uncomfortable and unwanted memories for him, as it would for you. However, his emotions quickly get muddled up in it...

The sudden combination of fear, panic, shame, and anger can strike him at once and leave him in a frozen or vulnerable state... Painful for sure, but also not helpful in that situation. Minor injuries, thankfully, do not cause this reaction.

If you're injured and Belphegor appears to be going through trauma, we recommend calling for assistance from someone nearby or a different brother if possible (Satan would be a good option). Once you're stable, Belphegor will be relaxed somewhat but may need some cuddling.

Even with his lazy attitude, Belphegor does care for you and will try to keep you safe in his own way.  He may hide the intensity of his emotions behind a veil of apathy, but they run so strong that they can be paralyzing. Never doubt that he does love you, and try your best to be there for him when things become difficult...

More from the How-To series in Masterlist 1.0; More recent HCs in Masterlist 2.0

[mediacrushin]

Everyone coming at Lumity after King’s Tide with the “wow how must Amity feel that Luz chose to stay and sacrifice herself rather than go with her, how upset must she be that she wasn’t enough for Luz to choose to leave~” have the same energy as the “wow I bet Amity is gonna sabotage Luz’ attempts to go home so she stays with her”.

Like, yes, I very much hope there’s some conversation about Luz’ self-sacrificing tendencies. It’s admirable that she fights so hard for others, but I want the people around who care about her to be able to express how much that can hurt them too when she goes for the big play for their sake. But my god y’all are acting like Amity doesn’t know that is Luz’ go to play. She’s probably upset it keeps happening when she also wants to be there to protect and fight with Luz, but shit it doesn’t have to be “well, guess I’m not good enough for her to stop being that way”.

Chill Satan.

Also saw the hot take that by neglecting King's attempts to offer to help the other characters are all responsible for his turning to "self harm" by making a deal with the Collector. And they were quietly distancing themselves from him, and being "absent and reluctant". And they "failed to accept him as both a family member and a titan"

Like my brother in christ he is eight. He is eight years old and his mom knows he's been through enough shit already and wanted him and her other adopted kid faaaar away from anything to do with the day of unity. She didn't refuse his help because she didn't think he was capable, or didn't accept him as part of the family, she literally wanted him to not be involved, like the other kids she and the other adults didn't want involved. Because they are children, and this is basically a man made extinction event. Same with Luz, she didn't want her little brother hurt, same as the rest of her loved ones. She tried to do everything she could to take care of the problem herself, then tried her damnedest to not leave King behind.

I'm sure King felt upset that he couldn't help as much, that the others wanted to keep him out of things and safe, but man the reach is wild to me. Like, just in, trying to keep an eight year old from being involved in dangerous world ending events is now neglect and everyone who didn't accept his help needs to apologize for wanting to keep him from getting involved once he did anyway.

[stainlesssulfur]

But I'm not perfect.

character(s): Kokonoi, Inui

genre: angst

warnings: depressive thoughts, a bit of self harm, panic attacks, anxiety

A/N: I've had my fair share of panic attacks from my anxiety, and I'd like to think that Koko also has some sort of anxiety from his line of work. So I tried to reiterate this attack best as I could, just to share my experience. Hope you enjoy this ^>^

Part 1

Koko didn't want to worry Inui. He didn't. So that's why he was curled up on the cold floor, the damnedest chilly air biting his skin, nipping at the hairs.

He gripped his legs, nails digging into the flesh painfully; ugly red, purple marks dotting the curves of his calves, spots of blood evident underneath the porcelain whiteness of his skin. He was trembling so much, so fucking much, his teeth were chattering, and everywhere was so... numb.

Pins and needles felt like they were pricking every fiber of his body. His hair stood on end whenever the wind slapped his face, and his body was freezing. Cold sweat was running along his arms, legs, torso, even though his skin was burning hot. It was so scorching, a deep pain outside and inside, his chest a clenching and an unclenching. Hot red anger burned the inside of his stomach, and the frozen cold droplets of sweat fizzed against his skin.

It wasn't new to him. The body numbness, the struggle between hot and cold, and that annoying teeth chattering.

He couldn't breathe properly. His chest felt as if someone had torn his ribcage out and strangled his lungs, squeezing every oxygen molecule from it. Hiccups overcame his sobs, punching the air out of his chest.

He choked back a wail. He ran his nails up and down his throbbing skin, almost breaking through the wall and feeling the blood against his fingers.

Wrecked. He was absolutely out of it. And worst was, he couldn't... he'd lost touch with reality for how long? How long had it been? Time was not... it wasn't clear to him. Nothing was. His eyes were red and swollen, an ugly bulge of eyebags deepening as he squinted them.

He hadn't moved from his position on the floor. He wished he could move. He wished he didn't have to go through hell and torture like this almost every fucking month. Everything was so blurry and foggy to him right now, his eyesight blocked by an endless stream of salty tears and a bitter taste guarding his mouth.

A sharp ringing overtook his ears, consistent and persistent. Resolute and determined. He felt the inside of his ears throb and tremble with the same amount of irritating stubbornness, screaming at the outside world and his surroundings.

No one was around. The night was young, having only reached the peak of darkness, a solemn gloom clouding his thoughts and emotions.

He wanted to die. He wanted to scratch the pain away. He wanted to end this.

The hiccups were unrelenting, even when his heart had slowed its beating, coming onto him so suddenly, without any warning.

Exactly like the panic attack.

Sudden, but the impact was horrendously strong, throttling the life out of him. He screamed against the marble flooring, his back curved in an impossibly dangerous manner, his nose faintly feeling the sheer icy temperature of the floor.

Sweat trickled down his brows, tears dampening his red tunic, an uncountable number of tissues surrounding his frail frame. His fingers shook, reaching into the tissue box, grabbing, yanking another piece out. He dabbed his tears, barely, and scrunched the tissue up, just to throw it across the room with force. He was surprised any was left in his body at that moment, what with all the sobs wrecking his body.

He felt his chest tighten yet again, but his mind was clearer and less intrusive thoughts plummeted his brain. His hands eased against his skin, rubbing furiously against the red marks, hoping, wishing they wouldn't suddenly rip open and bleed.

He didn't want to see anymore blood that night.

He had had enough.

The strong pungent rank of the ugly thick red liquid was still stuck in his nose, penetrating, wanting to invade his mind. Wanted to twist his thoughts into even sicker things.

He hoped that he would want to stop before permanent damage was done, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't stop the terror running through his veins, or the urge to just make himself fade away, make himself unalive.

He faintly remembered the last time he had hurt himself so much. The red marks were like underwater scratches that lasted a week, and the day after the panic attack, they burned holes into his skin. It was as if a thin knife was slowing dragging its pointed tip across his skin, just torturing him slowly. Mocking him. Laughing at him cruelly. Talking as if he wasn't the one that created them.

For the week, it was a horrible reminder of how bad his attacks would get. He tried covering them up. He did. Ran saw. Ran said nothing. He didn't bring it up in front of the others. Instead, he asked Koko to come over and tired to get him to relax for the day, to release his stress.

It did work, but Koko was still on edge the next day.

And now, no one was there to take care of him, to care for him, to see to his pain and torture. He didn't want anyone to see him like his.

His toes rubbed against the patent leather of his shoes, angry and furious.

Now, he was becoming scared. Afraid of everything. He couldn't see, and it was a pin-drop silence, besides his insistent hiccupping that was becoming too annoying for comfort. It shook his body, made him tremble to the core, made him want to throw up everything and empty his guts out.

His stomach clenched at the thought, and he felt something prod at his throat. He couldn't vomit up anything. He hadn't eaten anything. He couldn't stomach the food, after the bloodbath that happened right in front of his eyes. It looked too much like her body, covered with scabs and burns.

He felt sick. Sure, he had saved Inui, but Akane had still died. It was his fault. It was all his fault. It was his fault Akane had died. He is the one to blame. It was all him. He squeezed his eyes shut, a sob escaping his pretty lips.

The door slammed open.

Koko screamed, head flipping towards the sound, eyes trying to adjust to the sudden light.

Inui was standing at the doorway, his worried expression twisting into a broken one.

Fuck.

[eyeofthedrgn]

A Heavy Battle Symphony Chapter 22

TW: language, mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, violence, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, self harm, self-esteem issues, sexual abuse/rape, drinking (comes up late in the story) just a lot of trauma, angst, smut

Word count: 1096

Chapter 22 - Fire [Dead by Sunrise]

No need to get locked up inside the past

I know that isn't changing

No need to let you go or say goodbye

I know that you'll be waiting

A phone was ringing.

It didn't stop.

Lorcan finally just went downstairs and curled up on the couch, leaving his phone wherever he had dropped it the night before.

Barb was sitting on her chair with her laptop when her phone rang. Lorcan groaned in frustration and covered his head with the blanket.

"Good morning, Rowan…. He's trying to sleep…. No, I'm not going to give him my phone…. What?" She sighed. "If he doesn't want to talk to you, he doesn't want to talk to you…. No…. He was up all night puking his brains out for the third day in a row, you know…. Ro, honey, you made this mess, you get to clean it up…. I love you too and don't forget to use your brain!"

Lorcan peaked out of the blanket, Barb was pinching her nose and shaking her head. She mumbled, "I thought having a gay boy would be easier than a straight one."

++++

Lorcan wouldn't talk to him. It was killing him. Rowan had kept his head down the rest of the quarter. Only going out for food and classes. He felt hollow. Everyday, he would text Lorcan, I'm sorry and I love you. Everyday, it would go unseen.

Rowan knew he had broken Lorcan's trust. It just hurt that Lorcan wouldn't let him try to fix it. He tried calling once a week, but it always went straight to voicemail.

Time for a walk. He was hungry anyway. On his way to the food trucks near campus, he noticed a bookstore and decided his stomach could wait. It was beautiful and smelled like old books. He walked the aisles.

A young man about his age walked up to him, "Need help finding anything?" The sapphire eyed man stared at him for a second. "I know you," he said and he stroked his jaw, obviously thinking. "Rowan!" He exclaimed.

"Dorian?" He hadn't heard from Dorian for a couple years. As far as he knew, he hadn't gone off to college, instead he went into the family business. "Is this the family business?"

Dorian smiled wide. "Indeed it is! I get to read, organize books, and help people find books. All day! It's great." He laughed. "Are you and Lorcan still together?" Aelin must still talk to him. He knew they still talked.

Rowan looked away. "Honestly? I have no idea."

"Come, let's sit." He followed Dorian to a set of wingback chairs and gestured for Rowan to sit.

"Was there a party and alcohol involved that has caused you to not know your relationship status?" There was no judgement in his words.

Rowan just leaned forward, propped his elbows on his knees, and planted his face in his hands as he groaned.

"Was the guy cute at least?"

"Fucking Hel, Dorian!" He didn't mean to raise his voice, but damn.

He put his hands up in surrender. "Do you want to talk about it with someone who isn't so biased? I'm a good listener and I don't judge. I've had my fair share of fuck ups."

Leaning back with a sigh, Rowan relived the night that ruined everything. Dorian listened, only spoke to clarify details. It was nice to have someone to talk to who wasn't all judgey.

"Lorcan hasn't talked to me since."

"How long?"

"Month and a half."

Dorian's eyes widened. He sighed and covered his face with his hands again.

"It almost feels like when he left the first time, but also completely different." He was trying his damnedest to not cry, but his voice sounded broken, "I don't know how to fix it."

The sapphire eyed bookstore prince also seemed at a loss. "I don't know either. It's hard when the other party won't answer your calls and you're four hours away."

The bell over the door chimed. "I'm going to go check on that. I'll be back in a bit."

Rowan just sat there for who knows how long. Maybe it was a few minutes or maybe it was a few hours, he wasn't sure. Then his phone buzzed. He pulled it out expecting it to be Aelin, but it wasn't. Not believing his eyes, he almost missed the call.

"Lor?"

"Hi."

"Hi."

He leaned forward again, elbows to knees, one hand held the phone to his ear, the other covered his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Lor. I really didn't realize she was coming onto me until she pushed me back on the bed, straddled me, and kissed me all in the same moment."

"You were alone with her in her room?"

"She asked if I wanted to go somewhere quiet to talk, we had been yelling over the music all night. I thought she actually meant 'talk'. Gods I'm stupid."

Lorcan chuckled which caused Rowan to furrow his brows. "What's funny?"

"Only you would think that someone asking if you wanted to go somewhere quiet to talk actually just wanted to talk." He laughed, Rowan was just confused now. "I'm sorry, Ro."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I shouldn't have ignored you. I should know you better than that. You're always the talker and always oblivious to people flirting with you. Hellas below, it's probably infinitely worse when you're intoxicated."

All Rowan could do was huff a laugh.

"Ro, seriously though. I'm sorry I ignored you. I shouldn't have. It was childish, but I got angry and I was sick for almost two weeks. I wasn't entirely sure if you were telling me the whole truth either. The negative thoughts just kept telling me that you cheated on me and it was hard seeing through them." Lorcan sighed. "You didn't cheat on me, right?"

"As soon as she pressed her lips to mine, I pushed her off and fell on the floor and scooted as far away from her as I could. It was all wrong. Her weight on me, her hands, her smell, her lips. All wrong."

"Good."

"I'm sorry I let it happen. I'm sorry I didn't think. For being a high school honors student and close to the top student in my class here, I'm pretty fucking stupid."

Lorcan laughed. "You're just oblivious to social cues, love." The use of the pet name made Rowan break. Gods above, he had missed that. "Ro?"

"I'm sorry. I just missed you." He hastily wiped his tears.

"I missed you too."

____

Thanks for reading! Let me know if you'd like to be added to my Rowcan taglist.

@starlightorstarfire @thenerdandfandoms @tanvee1231

[veliseraptor]

“I think sometimes it tips that way in modern au settings for reasons I can elaborate on if anyone is interested” I’m interested! Elaborate away!

(related to an offhand comment/bait I left in this ask about my Xue Yang sex headcanons and how specifically his relationship to sex tips more actively self-destructive than I think it does in canon)

oh boy you have unlocked a whole new level of headcanon and like. I’m sorry in advance. this is the kind of thing where I’m like “dang should I make a custom xue yang tag so I don’t inflict my everything on everyone else” and then I don’t. 

basically the thing is: setting aside the idea of a reincarnation au where he has some/any recollection of what happened in Yi City, which would be a headfuck all its own...I tend to think that Xue Yang does just have some Brain Stuff - specifically regarding the degree to which other people are “real” to him (they aren’t). 

by that I mean that he sort of struggles with conceiving that other people have the same level of interiority and for lack of a better word humanity as he does, which makes it very hard to care about them, on the whole, as individuals. in canon that’s also there, but to a certain extent he made a deliberate decision to just go “well, fuck it! norms are for nerds and society is fake.” He doesn’t care to try (after all, on some level others haven’t tried for him; he’s spent a fair amount of time being perceived as subhuman/being dehumanized).

(still find it very interesting that this is one of the only places during his fight with Song Lan where he stops smiling!)

I think his ability to work within the structure of a sect like the Jin was always a limited deal.

furthermore, there is a certain degree of self-destructiveness inherent in the kind of reckless behavior that Xue Yang exhibits! like, not consciously, and he is very much oriented toward survival and self-preservation for the most part, but on some level that attitude of see-what-happens contains within it seeds of a bit of a drive toward self-destruction. it’s complicated. and the reason why I think a modern setting brings that out is - well, it kind of comes down to ableism and stigma, honestly.

because a Xue Yang who has some Brain Issues as described above, in a modern context, is going to become aware pretty quickly that (a) that’s weird, and bad, and wrong, and probably sort of evil, and (b) that showing any kind of antisocial behavior is going to create significant issues for his trying to get what he wants. so he’s going to do his damnedest to perform normalcy, if only for the sake of moving through the world in a way that doesn’t get him in trouble - and he can do that, when motivated, to a greater or lesser extent.

but there’s always going to be a disjunction between his awareness of himself and how his brain works and how he experiences the world and relates to other people, and the knowledge of how things are supposed to work. 

which. it’s not like “psychopath” and “sociopath” are words people use that have any kind of good valence to them. 

I very definitively do not see a canon Xue Yang having issues with self-loathing - self-doubt, sure, uncertainty, sure, anxiety and insecurity about certain things, sure. but he definitely does not hate himself or have any sense that he’s somehow, you know, bad. I think that changes in a modern AU where it’s harder to be completely disengaged from society, and he’s less likely to have the ability to ignore quite as completely the messages he gets about something being wrong with him - and more likely to internalize them. 

which is going to produce, I think, more of a tendency toward that sense of active perception-of-the-monstrous-self, and consequently orient that recklessness more toward an indifference or active investment in self-destructive or self-harming behaviors. because impulsive + adrenaline seeking + just a little bit of internalized sense of himself as monstrous can very quickly lean toward something more serious and intentional than I think it is in canon.

anyway! that is my brief treatise on one of the ways in which I think a modern au Xue Yang is differently dysfunctional than a canon one, thank you for listening.

[familiaanteomnia]

content warning: self harm/destructive tendencies, mentions of anxiety/ symptoms, impulsiveness, bullying, medical side affects -anyways this is a big yikes because actions have consequences babey throwing punches, not getting proper treatment,etc- -due to medications he was taken/does nathan does have some nerve damage issues namely in his hands+ muscle spasms factoring in also that countless times punching things has also created a lot of micro fractures, permanent damage to his hands also due to frequent mental duress that factors in -it tends to be an cycle because he will get angry about his hands freaking out, punch something which then further bruises- bloodies his knuckles causing further damage which just obviously like 50/50 odds of “fixing” the problem -as such especially when he was living at the estate (high quality clear plastic cups were purchased so he wouldn’t just keep dropping or breaking the glass ones) that being said been plenty of causalities to his hands be it just dropping or actual throwing (not that all his throwing things is due to muscle spasms- sometimes it is due to anger/or just an impulsive ‘if you dont throw this at the wall then there will be An Price’) -so he frequently gets pin, needles in his arms hardcore tingling and numbness plus just overall pain, or cramping sometimes his hands just lock up (he’ll find it ridiculous when his hands curl up and he tries to straighten it out only for them to tingle/act like memory foam into whatever position again slowly often gets pissed but occasionally just has to find amusement with it) -isnt really any controlling it and attempting to do usually makes things Worst but relatively good at not letting it show/due to the bullying gets more aware to hide when his hands spaz,etc likewise he does try to lean towards locking up or increasing grip because he’d rather not be able to let go of something than throw it plus also developed tight hold response to not wanting things knocked or swiped out of his hands -overall he tries to not hold, carry things in his hands and would rather somebody hold their own phone to show things than entrust it to him,etc (especially because with people he cares about his brain/issues like to be extra cruel and once he thinks about how bad he’d feel breaking their stuff then it’s like “ha ha but what if” which worsens things) not to say he can’t usually it isn’t super likely he will get mega impulsive or his hands will act out right then plus he will try his damnedest to avoid risking it in the first place, etc -also some of why he fidgets with them aside from typical anxious reasons/soothing purposes,etc sometimes rubbing at them makes things a little less worst or something to do while suffering especially if being painful (there is always an low level of pain in them especially if they are attempting to heal from an recent knuckle harming incident then they really get irritated though also pain= less pain too for nate at times) -it’s never easy to pinpoint why cause things all mix together/if he starts getting anxious over it,etc then it worsens so if he can the best thing in his eyes is retreating so he can just like lay down on the floor ideally doing fuck all till it goes away (especially if like both arms are all pins, needles and his hands are rebelling alongside being numb though he can manage to use his hands in that state it Sucks) -he’s adjusted to it sorta mostly it gets him the most annoyed when it interferes with the moods he feels like taking photos, enjoying photographing things and then his hands ruin the shot/or attempt to murder his camera (also that then factors into the well fine fuck photography moods etc cause oh look that really cool picture is now an unfocused blur fuck my life)

[spaceskam]

covered in scars i did nothing to earn

Summary: 5 times Forrest finds old scars on Alex’s body + 1 time he sees a new one

warnings: mentions of past self-harm, descriptions of violent/dangerous situations, past child abuse, sexual situations, vague mention of 2x06 but not That Thing from 2x06

.1.

Forrest quite liked the feeling of Alex’s skin.

He was scarred beyond understanding, but his skin was still soft and taken care of with only little bumps. His body hair sometimes camouflaged the little ones and Forrest had created a game with himself to find them like an Easter egg hunt when they were in bed together.

Tonight was no different as he kept his head on Alex’s shoulder and dragged his fingers through his chest hair. It was barely there, but it was enough to play optical illusions.

“Oh,” he breathed, rubbing his index finger gently into a little knot of a scar over his heart, “What’s that from?”

Alex lifted his head to look at it as if he didn’t know before letting his head all back to the pillow. Forrest kissed his arm before snuggling back into his shoulder.

“Got stabbed,” Alex said like it wasn’t a big deal. Forrest lifted his head and stared at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“You got stabbed?” he said, trying to keep the calm demeanor that Alex had, “Over your heart?”

“Yeah,” Alex yawned, his eyes settling closed, “Leather tools or whatever.”

“You got stabbed with a leather slicker?” Forrest said, eyes wide as he looked closer at the scar. It was still sort of red, newer than the rest. “When did that happen?”

Alex was quiet and Forrest wondered if he’d fallen asleep, but when he looked at his eyes, he was looking right back at him. He looked like he didn’t understand why he was asking.

“I don’t really want to talk about this,” Alex said cautiously. Forrest adjusted himself just a little, worry still heavy in his system. 

“Well, are you at least okay?” Forrest asked. Alex nodded, combing his hands through his hair.

“Yeah,” he said, “I’m fine.”

Forrest wasn’t quite sure he believed that, but he pressed a kiss over the scar and laid his head down on Alex’s chest again.

.2.

Forrest felt stupid.

He’d stopped kissed Alex the minute he got on his knees, instead finding his eyes locked on the scars lining Alex’s hip. Precise lines, all the same size and all in a row with the occasional vertical line across them. They were old, that much was clear, but they were there. He hadn’t noticed them before.

“You okay?” Alex asked, looking down at him. Forrest quickly made it look like he wasn’t staring, like he wasn’t overthinking everything Alex had told him about his childhood, like he wasn’t terrified for a boy he he’d never met.

But this was a man. He wasn’t going to bring it up and make him feel guilty for what he couldn’t change.

“Yeah,” Forrest nodded, pushing a kiss on Alex’s lower stomach, “I’m okay.”

As he settled himself between Alex’s thighs, he couldn’t help but look for similar scars. He found them, too, a row high on his inner thigh. Forrest’s stomach dropped, but he tried not to think about it as he took Alex into his mouth, doing his damnedest to make him feel good. 

But, because Forrest was notorious at self sabotage, he found himself thinking about the other people Alex had slept with in his life. Had they noticed? Alex had told him that most of them were quick fucks in dark allies, so they probably hadn’t. But Michael Guerin had seen them, surely. Had he made Alex feel okay about them? Had he comforted him? Had he gotten the entire story?

Forrest zoned out for too many seconds in a row and started actually choking to the point he fell back on his ass as he sucked in a deep breath. Alex was staring down at him with wide eyes.

“Are you okay?” Alex asked, voice sweet and full of genuine concern, “I’m sorry, did I-”

“No, you didn’t do anything, I’m just stupid,” Forrest laughed, managing a smile as he looked up at him, “I was thinking about dinner and forgot what I was doing.”

“Oh, jeez, I’m that much of a turn off?” Alex laughed, holding his hand out to help him to his feet. Forrest shook his head.

“No, I just didn’t eat much today,” Forrest lied. Alex gave an exaggerated pout.

“You should’ve said something, you wanna order pizza?” Alex suggested, pulling him in closer. Forrest rested his head on Alex’s, giving him a small kiss and loving the way he smiled against his lips. 

"Sounds good,” Forrest said. Alex smiled wider and pulled up his jeans before finding his phone. Forrest laid against his chest, letting Alex wrap his arms around him and order the pizza while he held him close without question.

Someone had to have showed Alex he was loved and needed, right? He wouldn’t be this sweet if they hadn’t.

Besides, they were old. He would be okay as long as he remembered that.

.3.

“And you’re sure you’re okay with this?”

“Stop asking me or I’ll change my mind,” Alex laughed, quickly followed by a sneeze that rocked through his whole body and a loud groan. Forrest smiled in adoration, huffing a little laugh as he scooted a little closer. 

Forrest moved closer and gently pulled Alex’s stump into his lap, giving him one last look to make sure it was okay before he slowly started massaging the scar like Alex had showed him. It was something he’d seem Alex to before, but he never stared and had never offered to help. Help, this was the first time Alex even let him touch this specific scar. It was a lot for him and it was a massive privilege. 

“So, what does this do exactly?” Forrest asked, wanting to keep the conversation going.

“Well, it’s a desensitization technique that they made me start doing before I got my prosthetic. I think I could technically stop doing it, but it helps a lot with phantom pain and on days where I don’t use my prosthetic, it keeps the scar tissue used to movement and friction, stuff like that,” Alex explained, voice nasal from his stuffy nose. Forrest smiled a little helplessly at the sound.

“Do you want me to wash it too?” Forrest offered. Alex made a face.

“I can do that when I go to brush my teeth.”

“Okay,” Forrest said, not wanting to push. Alex hummed and settled into his pillow more. He was cute when he let his guard down. Well, he was always cute, but it was infinitely more obvious on days like this when he was all soft and cuddly. He leaned down and pressed a kiss on his other leg.

“Don’t kiss me, you’re gonna get sick,” Alex scolded. Forrest laughed.

“It’s your leg, no sickness germs are going to seep out and get me sick anymore than just being around you will,” Forrest said. Alex groaned.

“I don’t want you to get sick,” Alex whined before repeating the same phrase he’d been saying since he got sick the day before, “You should go home.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Forrest insisted. Alex sighed semi-dramatically and looked up at him with the world’s sweetest eyes. 

Not for the first time, Forrest wondered just how much Alex felt his own feelings. He always seemed hardened, but his eyes betrayed him and showed just how big his heart was. Forrest kissed his leg again.

“Thank you,” Alex sighed softly, “For taking care of me.”

“Always.”

.4.

“Stupid fucking hair regulations.”

“You could always say fuck the man and grow it out all long and nice,” Forrest suggested, honestly kind of sad as Alex plugged in the clippers. He hadn’t seen Alex with regulation hair, but he knew he liked having something to put his hands through.

“Not an option, unfortunately,” Alex huffed, turning on the clippers and just taking it to his head without hesitation. Forrest visibly grimaced as the side just fell off. “Stop it, you’re making this harder.”

“I’m sorry,” Forrest sighed, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. 

“It’s okay,” Alex said, buzzing off more. He left the top a little bit longer than the sides, but it wasn’t long enough. It really felt like the end of an era. Forrest watched closely, still, and he felt his eyebrows slowly come together as he saw a visible white line on the side of his head.

“Do you have a scar on your head?” he asked bluntly. Alex looked at him through the mirror.

“Yeah.”

“How?”

Alex didn’t answer right away, touching up his hair with unmatched precision. It made Forrest wonder how young he was when he started doing that by himself. Whenever he was in the military, he always had to get someone to help. Alex didn’t.

Eventually, Alex was done and he looked like a new person. Like a soldier. Forrest had mixed feelings.

“My dad made us keep regulation cuts when we were kids,” Alex explained, “My brother didn’t use a guard. Pretty sure he didn’t do it on purpose.”

Forrest’s whole body tensed and his eyes widened, involuntarily feeling the pain of it secondhand. Alex just stared at him, unflinching and unbothered. Maybe that was why he liked his hair long. There was a doubt in him on whether his brother had deliberately cut his head open.

“You okay?” Forrest asked cautiously. Alex nodded, shrugging it off.

“Yeah, my dad gave me stitches, I’m fine.”

The worst part was he said it like it was normal.

.5.

Forrest had his arms wrapped around Alex as tight as he could with the center console between them, shushing him as he sobbed into his chest.

He wasn’t sure what set him off. They’d been fine enough, just walking around the park and holding hands and talking about getting ice cream. Something had switched in him though as they passed the playground and Alex suggested they go right then, so they went back to the car. And then on the drive to the ice cream shop, Alex broke into tears. Forrest pulled over immediately to soothe him.

He knew Alex was a bit off when he woke up that morning, so he suggested the park to give him something chill to think about it. He didn’t expect anything there would set him off. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Forrest promised, trying to breathe in sync with Alex to ground him. It took awhile, but he eventually calmed down. He didn’t let go of Forrest’s shirt.

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered, “I didn’t mean to ruin your day.”

“You didn’t ruin anything, it’s okay. Don’t feel bad,” Forrest promised, pressing a soft kiss into the side of his head. Alex took another shaky breath, not moving from his place pressed into Forrest's chest.

Forrest thought back through all of the things Alex had subtly revealed about his childhood, trying to find a moment that could've hinted about a playground or a park being a trigger. He couldn't think of one, the closest one being his mom bringing all four of her sons to a park the day she ran off without a goodbye. But Alex never got like this when he talked about his mom.

"I'm sorry I brought you here," Forrest said, "I didn't know."

"No, it's just..." Alex said, sniffling as he sat up a little, "It's just a bad day. Could've been anything."

"But I knew that, so I'm still sorry," Forrest insisted. Alex huffed a small laugh, wiping his face dry as he sniffled again.

"You're too good to me," Alex said. Forrest shrugged and didn't say anything. He didn't feel like he was too good for Alex. In fact, he was still quite sure he wasn't good enough for him at all. "Guess I kind of owe you an explanation."

"You don't owe me anything," Forrest promised. Alex sniffled, shaking his head.

"No, I never give you an explanation, but this time I have one," Alex said, taking a deep, steadying breath. Forrest listened intently. "This, um, this was the park my dad took me when I was little when I got into trouble at school. I was, uh, super antagonistic in those years right after my mom left, I was so mad at everyone all the time. But, uh, he would take me here and every single time I could trick myself into thinking it was going to be okay. We'd walk around for an hour and we'd talk about what happened. He'd ask me why I did it, talk through it. It always seemed like it was going to end well. Then, um, then..."

"Alex," Forrest said softly, shaking his head, "You don't have to–"

"Then he told me to pick my own switch," Alex finished, breathing heavily. Forrest felt sick. "'Cause having a reason didn't excuse my actions, he said. I don't know, I just saw that tree and I just..."

"Jesus, Alex, I'm so sorry," Forrest breathed, leading him back to lay against his chest. He went willingly. He thought about Alex's body and tried to remember where scars from that might be. But Alex was six when his mom left, the chances of those having faded by now were high. And then Forrest was faced with the image of six year old Alex walking through the park, holding his dad's hand, and picking out the stick he'd get beaten with later that evening. "Fuck, I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," Alex said, "I-It's not even that big of a deal, tons of people had to do that, I'm just having a bad day."

"It doesn't matter how many people had to do that, it's still fucked. You're allowed to be upset with that no matter what kind of day it is," Forrest insisted, "I'll pick a different park next time."

Alex gave a soft laugh, "Okay."

"You still want ice cream?" he wondered. Alex sniffled and shrugged. "How about we stop by the store and I'll run in and get some and then we can eat it in bed with Buffy?"

Alex took another breath, steadier than any of the ones before.

"I'd like that."

.+1.

Forrest woke up to frantic knocking on his front door and Buffy barking.

"Who the fuck–"

He stopped speaking when he opened the door to see Michael and Kyle carrying a limp Alex between them. He didn't even ask questions as he got out of the way, letting them pull Alex inside and lay him on the coffee table. Kyle ripped open his shirt to reveal a bullet wound in his stomach. Buffy barked in concern beside them, trying to peer onto the table.

"Oh my God," he breathed, panic rocking through him as he saw his boyfriend who said he was just going a recruitment trip. That wasn't supposed to lead to this.

"Sorry, you were just the closest and we can't bring him to the hospital without Isobel because they'll ask questions," Kyle explained.

"I-I don't understand," Forrest breathed, "How did he..."

"Get shot? Because your boyfriend is determined to die a martyr," Michael said, not taking his eyes off of the wound. Forrest could barely think straight. Actually, he couldn't at all. "Can you put the dog away?"

"He'll be okay," Kyle promised, looking up at Michael as Forrest dazedly led Buffy to the bathroom, "Do your thing."

And then Forrest really was hallucinating his entire night because Michael's hand started glowing.

It was alight for a few seconds before Alex's eyes opened. Michael lunged to the side, grabbing the bag Kyle thrusted at him and vomiting in it in the same moment Alex groaned in pain.

"Forrest, come distract him, I don't have any anesthetics," Kyle instructed, gloves somehow already on his hands. Forrest was shaking and his mind was scrambled, but he obeyed and knelt by Alex's head. He held his head in his hands.

"Hey, babe, definitely would've liked a heads up," Forrest said. Alex gave a dopey smile, still sweating and clearly in pain. Forrest gave him a kiss on the forehead and stole another look at his abdomen. The wound looked fifty times better than it had before Michael did the glowy thing. He filed that away for questions to ask later.

It was when Kyle neared it with a suture needle that Forrest looked back to Alex. He tensed whenever the needle pierced him, but he just took a shallow breath to keep still. He didn't scream, didn't flinch, just breathed. Forrest found his hand and let him squeeze even if it hurt.

"You're doing great," Forrest insisted. Alex just breathed in slowly. Michael appeared beside him then, breath smelling of vomit and nail polish remover. It was the worst smell he'd ever been forced to smell.

"You really gotta stop playing hero," Michael told him.

"Says you," Alex shot back. Forrest didn't comment, just pushed his hair back and pressed another kiss to his head. "Sorry if I get blood on your new rug."

"Hush, I don't care as long as you're okay," Forrest told him. Alex nodded, taking another deep breath.

They sat there while Kyle stitched him up, Forrest kissing his head and Michael squeezing Alex's other hand. Eventually, Kyle was done.

"Can we stay here? I don't want to move him more and I need to look over him," Kyle said. Forrest nodded.

"Yeah, whatever you need, just keep him safe," Forrest said. He sat there with Alex for a few more minutes before he managed to get himself to his feet. "Gonna go get you some water, okay?"

A few shaky steps later, Forrest was grabbing three ups and filling them with water. A hand reached around him to grab his cup and Forrest followed it to Michael. He had a billion questions, but the guy was clearly having his own rough day and the questions could be saved for the morning.

"Thank you," Forrest said, "Not sure exactly what you did, but... you helped him, I think, so... Thanks."

Michael paused in the middle of downing his water, slowly pulling it away from him mouth as he looked at Forrest. He waited for whatever kind of reaction someone has when they just saved their ex-boyfriend's life and then had that person's new boyfriend kiss them.

"You're treating him right, aren't you?" Michael asked. Forrest nodded.

"I'm doing my best," Forrest said. Michael nodded curtly.

"Good. He deserves it. Keep it up, bro," he said, voice a little awkward and disjointed. He reached out a little, hesitated, and then went through with patting Forrest on the shoulder before grabbing another cup and bringing it into the kitchen. Forrest was too overwhelmed to even process that that was weird and grabbed the final cup and following him.

Forrest knelt beside Alex and helped prop his head up to help him drink. He sighed thankfully as the water got into his system.

"You know, I usually let you slide on the explanation thing, but I think I need one this time," Forrest said to him. Alex looked at him with his warm eyes and nodded, his head resting comfortably in Forrest's palm. So he didn't move it when he let Alex's head back down.

"I will," Alex said.

"At least you got another scar for the collection, much cooler story," Michael said, a lighter tone in his voice. Alex snorted a laugh but groaned at the pain it brought him. "Sorry."

"No, you're good," Alex said, "You're right."

"There is absolutely nothing cool about being shot," Kyle scoffed.

"Shut up, Dr. McDreamy, you vote doesn't count," Michael said before looking at Forrest, "You think his scars are cool, don't you, Forrest?"

Forrest blinked at him and then looked down at Alex who was looking at him expectantly. He didn't know how to say that cool wasn't the word he'd use. Tragic, maybe, a sign of his strength. Not cool. But they made him Alex, so that was something cool.

"Yeah," Forrest agreed, "Very cool."

Alex smiled and closed his eyes and Forrest officially accepted that this was his life now.

He was absolutely okay with that.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #369

“so close, no matter how far  /  couldn’t be much more from the heart  /  forever trusting who we are  /  and nothing else matters”

What are three emotions you experience regularly? Sadness, shame, and stress. Is there someone right now whom you really wish would care for you? -___- Does your job allow visible tattoos? I don’t have a job, but quite honestly, I probably wouldn't take a job that didn't. I just love tattoos a lot and plan on having many, and ignorance and old-fashioned bullshit isn't gonna stop me. Do you know anyone that’s transgender? Yes. Do you think dress codes are unfair? In some places, like schools, yes. Are in a relationship? Tell me about it. I'm not. How is your road rage? I don't have road rage. By god does my sister, though. Favorite cosmetic brands? I don't wear makeup nearly enough to have a preference. The beach or the pool? The pool. I hate the feeling of sand, plus the salty wind and heat. Manga or anime? Anime. Favorites for manga? I've never read any. It's tempting to read Deadman Wonderland since it continues off the very short anime, but I just don't want to. Manga isn't my style. Favorites for anime? Fullmetal Alchemist (including Brotherhood), Ginga Densetsu Weed, and Deadman Wonderland. Favorite academic subject? English. A card game that you’re good at? I'm not exceptionally good at any. Do you eat breakfast? Pretty much always. A popular book you haven’t read yet? To Kill A Mockingbird, to name one I feel like everyone had to read in school. Do you like sweaters? I'm an oversized hoodie person, really. I don't like the look of zippers. Do you like sushi? Never tried it, never will. Do you wear prescription glasses? Yes. I badly need a new pair, because I can't see for shit. Generally, are you more likely to blame others or yourself for problems you experience? Myself. What is one thing about your life that you don’t ever see changing, even if you might wish it would? I have a feeling I'll always have some degree of social anxiety. I'm sure there are other things just not coming to me. At what point in your life have you been the most social or had the most friendships? And at which point have you been the least social? I had the most friends in my childhood years, probably. Or high school when I actually had a friend group. I'm sure I was most social as a kid in elementary school, not dealing with my social anxiety. I've been the least social like... now, honestly. I go essentially nowhere and have very few friends. Do you prefer to have a few close friends or a bunch of random acquaintances? Which would describe what you have now? I want close friends. I have like... two or so close friends and a handful of acquaintances. I don't know which I have "more" of when you consider the actual level of friendship/"quality" I guess. Do you journal? Generally, what do you write about? Do you find it helpful to get your thoughts out that way, or do you prefer another form of self-expression? I don't actually journal, but you could consider these surveys my "journal." I guess it's kinda why I do them so frequently? Like it lets me get stuff that's going on out, so I find it kinda therapeutic versus keeping all my thoughts jumbled up in my head. Have you ever been somewhere and REALLY didn't like a food that you were expected to eat? How did you deal with this? Are you someone who is likely to suck it up and be polite or refuse and save your taste buds? To start off, I am VERY bad at sucking it up and eating something I don't like. My gag reflex is very strong, and I'm also extremely sensitive to textures I don't like, so my reactions are just very involuntary. I can try to subdue my expression when I dislike something, buuut that's extremely difficult. But anyway, yes, I've been to places where I definitely disliked the food, especially this one occasion where we went to a local Southern cooking restaurant that literally ASSUMED you want the staple foods and sweet tea, none of which I enjoy. While everyone else was eating, I just very awkwardly sat there doing nothing and pretty much panicking over looking rude. Thank god, Ashley's father-in-law noticed and called over the waiter for me to actually order something, the way it should be. I was very thankful but still felt bad. What is one way in which you compare yourself to others? In this comparison, do you regard yourself as better or worse off than the people to whom you usually do the comparing? I am very bad and comparing successes with others, but only in ways that demeans me. Like I look at others and am just like, "Why aren't I there yet?" It always leads to anger and disgust of myself. What is something you’ve been particularly grateful for lately? I've thought a lot lately about how thankful I am to have my mom. She does so very much for me, and I don't think I could absolutely ever repay her in full. I wish I could. She's a damn superhero. What kind of change or opportunity would be the biggest help in your life right now? I was initially going to say getting a job, but thinking about it, getting to my goal weight might be an even greater help. It would help my leg pain, not having to carry as much around, I'm sure my hyperhidrosis wouldn't be as bad (I hope), and it would MASSIVELY affect my happiness. Like I cannot tell you how negatively my weight has damaged my self-esteem, confidence, and peace with myself. Is there one emotion that you experience more often than any other? Is there an emotion you rarely ever experience? I'd say I experience stress more than anything. I'm always thinking of something that's causing a ruckus in my life. A rare emotion for me is uhhhh jealousy, even though I've dealt with it more lately. What is one illness you are afraid of having? Do you know anyone who has faced this illness? The disease that I think scares me more than any is Alzheimer's/dementia. I just... cannot possibly imagine. How do you tend to behave when you’re sick? What kinds of things do you like people to do for you, if anything, to help you feel better? I'm very mopey and tired, and I can be a bit more irritable. I really, really appreciate help with things like chores when I'm not feeling well. When was the last time you did something you were proud of? Were other people proud of you as well? Does it matter to you whether or not other people care about your accomplishments, or is your own satisfaction enough? It's a very small thing, but I weaned down from having two cans of soda a day to just one. Mom is proud of me for it, which I appreciate a lot. Admittedly, it does kinda matter to me that those who know it's a big deal to me see and care about my accomplishments. I'm bad about needing external validation. What is your least favorite thing about the season you’re currently experiencing? Are you okay with most types of weather, or are you only happy under certain conditions? Ugh, the heat. Spring and summer are miserable to me because I veeery much love the chilly weather and no damn humidity. Have you made any changes to your style or “look” lately? How often do you change your appearance, hairstyle, fashion, etc? Or is it a pretty constant thing? No; my style is pretty constant. What was the last thing you felt hopeful about? Do you think there’s a good chance of whatever-it-is working out in your favor, or not so much? Getting a job at the tattoo parlor. I'm fearful that they won't be open to the position I'd like, so I'm trying to not get my hopes up too high. We'll find out in two days. Have you ever “recovered” from anything? What does “recovery” mean or look like to you? Yes, a traumatic breakup. I'd say recovery is just healing as much as possible from something, be it physical or emotional. What are some ways your childhood differed from those of others around you? Do you think this difference was harmful or advantageous in the long run? My dad was an alcoholic, if that qualifies. That definitely isn't a *normal* thing for someone's childhood. I think it was harmful, honestly, especially because I've had more than a few nightmares about my dad drunk. When was the last time you did something out in nature? Do you notice a dip in your mood when you don’t get enough of the Great Outdoors? Oh jeez... Probably not since Sara and I went catfishing with my dad. I wandered around with her some as she ventured for toads, haha. I don't really notice a dip in my mood, just because I'm so used to being indoors. I do prefer getting some time with nature, it's just hard and uncomfortable with how easy I sweat, and my knees sure do cuss me the fuck out in the form of a billion cracks if I walk much (by my standards...). What did you dream about last night? I had two dreams, but I only remember one, in which a giant green tree python was eating me backwards so I was conscious through it all. No hard feelings, I still want one as a pet, haha. They're GORGEOUS snakes and no, absolutely cannot eat you even if it tried its damnedest. What were your childhood dreams? To be a paleontologist, then a vet. What are your dreams now? If we're talking career-wise, to be a nature and wildlife photographer that gets to travel a lot. What are some Halloween costumes you would like to wear in the future? I've mentioned that #1 on my list is Ms. Oogie Boogie, then uhhhh... wow, I'm surprised I'm blanking, because I know there are lots I've thought of. Were you born with hair on your head? Yes. Would you rather have a home birth or hospital birth? I'm not having kids, but holy mother of fuck I'd have my baby at a hospital with a goddamn epidural. I do NOT know how some people can do it naturally, bigass props to them. Do you currently live in the house you grew up in? No. If not, what do you miss about it?^ It was just in general a nice house, the best one we've lived in. We had a pretty big yard too, so lots of room to play around as kids. What’s your favorite type of yogurt? I'm not a big yogurt person, really. What were your high school’s team colors? Red and white. Who were your best friends in high school? Hannia, Girt, Maria, Megan, Dennis, Dakota... What would be the best surprise you could receive right now? A tarantula. *puppy eyes emoji* Were there any subjects in school that were really easy for you? If so, what? English courses were very easy for me, and I was pretty good with science. Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? Not like, a whole grade, but I surpassed Writing I in my last college endeavor and started out in Writing II instead. What’s your favorite rock band? Oh brother, you can't ask me this. Who’s your favorite country singer? I consistently like Tim McGraw a bit. How many drawers does your dresser have? My dresser is unnecessarily big. There's like five or six. Have you ever taken a picture at the perfect moment? Yes. One of my favorite pictures I've taken was at Ashley's gender reveal for Emerson; even she didn't know. When her husband pulled the fog thing and it was pink, her expression was just priceless. Was your first car used or new? I haven't had my first personal car. How did you discover your favorite band? By going through my mom's CDs when I was getting into rock music. Ozzy was the first truly metal and not rock band that I ventured into. What was the last big decision you made? BIG decision... I don't know. Probably dropping out of college. What is your favorite thing to go shopping for? I love window shopping for pets online, haha. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? A political stance. Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? Oh yikes, it's been more than a while... It may have been Girt? In which case we probably watched TV or played board games together. Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Jason just loves to show up in my dreams more than anyone else. I don't really wonder that, no. What is something you wish you could say to someone who is no longer in your life, or something you wish they could know? I wish I could tell Bryar (Jason's friend I got in a fight with) I misunderstood something he said to me ("martyr" has two different definitions, and I somehow didn't know the modern one at the time) that made me seem like an absolute, attention-seeking bitch. It's so fucking embarrassing to look back on, because I agreed with him because I thought he meant it as I would die for my beliefs, which is true. What worries you most about your future? Whether or not I'll ever be in the physical shape I want to be in again. Or if I'll have a stable job. What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? Find distractions, like funny YouTube videos. I also engage in deep breathing and grounding methods. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? Oh my god, in elementary school, we read a book where everything a boy touched turned to chocolate. Weird book. Do you prefer to watch movies or tv alone or with other people? Is there anything you refuse to watch alone? Other people, definitely. I like having someone to talk to and comment on what we're watching. There's nothing I won't watch alone. What was the subject of the last video you watched? It was a let's play.

[citrus-himmel]

The quill got twisted one more time around her fingers before Nami finally allowed it to fall back onto the drafting table, bone deep exhaustion after countless nights of little to no sleep finally taking its toll. How the utensil clattered against the wooden surface sounded too loud in the otherwise quiet room, not even a breeze coming in from the open window to her left. Before Nami could think twice, her head twisted to stare expectantly at the door, too tired to feel any form of real dread. It's late, well past midnight, and normally if she made any type of noise at this hour one of Arlong's henchmen wouldn't care about breaking down the door, more than ready to violently discipline her if she stepped out of line. With some of them, not even Arlong's orders were enough to stop them. You're nothing more than a tool.

Nami sighed softly when, after a few tense minutes of watching the dim light filtering in from the crack at the bottom of the door, waiting for movement, the door didn't slam open. Whoever was on watch just outside her prison must have been asleep. That's the only explanation she could come up with. It happened on more than one occasion in the past. Some of the men Arlong had working under him weren't exactly the most reliable. Returning her attention to the map she was currently in the process of making, Nami trailed bloodshot, tired eyes over the crudely drawn lines. They're made out of necessity. There's none of her usual passion in the drawings, no enthusiasm. Just hastily drafted, dead scrawls of ink printed on the cheapest drafting paper money can buy. A thin hand shifted to trace one of the lines that Nami messed up on earlier, but didn't see the point of correcting before the ink properly dried. It wasn't like Arlong would notice, or care, so why should she? Even if he did, the consequences were so predictable now that Nami was more than used to them. Maybe he'd get more creative the next time Nami 'disobeyed' him. Fingers curled absently against the paper as her thoughts wandered, gaze leaving her work-in-progress to take in the piles upon piles of other completed maps he forced her into making over the years. Her small room was a mess of them. Even the ones she faked, he refused to get rid of. A reminder for when you feel like being a brat, Arlong told her in the beginning, that sinister smirk accompanying the not so subtle threat. Some were tear-stained and smudged beyond recognition because of how he loved to roughly rub her face against the still wet ink like a naughty dog. Others were even more crumpled and in worse condition from when he decided to get a little more brutal than his typical move of crushing her head under his palm. Nami made sure to keep them all together in the darkest corner of the room, somewhere she didn't frequent, only sparing them a glance on nights like this. Slowly, so her rickety chair that was on the verge of falling apart didn't make too much noise scraping against the uneven wooden floor, Nami pushed herself away from her drafting table and stood up. She made sure to grab the lone candle given to her for light from the corner of the table, then moved over to the aforementioned pile of maps, brown eyes taking on a faraway look once she dropped to her knees. How long had it been since he took over her village? Five, going on six years? Either way, it was too long. Nami didn't think gathering a hundred thousand Beri would take this long, but here she was, barely at the half-way mark. That in and of itself wasn't an easy feat. She had to do some unthinkable things just to get this far. Worse than just stealing from filthy pirates who were none-the-wiser. There was no doubt in her mind that she would need to continue doing said things, too. What other heinous acts would Nami have to force herself through to get the rest? Why did it matter so damn much? Her entire village already hated her, probably more than they hated Arlong and his crew, and she couldn't really blame them. The hatred was more than deserved. She was a traitor. Bellemere was probably looking down on her right now absolutely disgusted with the vile thing she'd turned into. Nami wouldn't be surprised if she was even disappointed in the choices she'd made. Using her skills to help the enemy. A let down, through and through. Nami didn't realize she was subconsciously gripping at her left shoulder—the tattoo—until the slight sting of her nails digging into skin registered, ripping her from her spiralling thoughts. Teeth clenched, a lump of heavy emotion forming in her throat that Nami tried, and failed, to swallow down. She didn't remove her hand. Instead, Nami's grip tightened and then she dragged, thin lines of blood welling up to the surface of rather deep scratches. It didn't take long for the rage to come after that. ❝ Damn you... Damn you for destroying my life, ❞ Nami hissed out through gritted teeth, tear-blurred vision staring down at the incriminating maps in front of her. In a fit of anger, she growled and swiped aggressively at the pile with her free hand, forcing a flurry of papers and other small knick knacks surrounding it to scatter about the room. More noise, far louder than when she dropped her pen, but at this point she didn't care. Nami was tired. Tired of dealing with being treated worse than dirt; tired of being hated by the people she was trying her damnedest to protect; tired of working under the very person who murdered her guardian right before her eyes. Tired of it all. Unfortunately, when Nami found herself spiralling like this, thoughts heavily saturated with self-hatred and disgust, she also got self-destructive. She knew exactly what would take her mind off of how she was feeling, give her a taste of what she truly deserved, and also knew exactly how to get it. Not that it was very hard to do living under the thumb of a man who would no doubt kill her when she was no longer useful to him. This time the door did slam open, metal handle banging back against the wall from the force, followed by a litany of curses and heavy, angered footsteps from whoever was on watch duty. Nami was prepared for it. The anxiety, emotional pain and anger quickly got pushed aside to make way for an emotionless, cocky smirk, which she levelled on the man who barged in when she stood back up and slowly turned around to face him. ❝ What the fuck do you think you're doing?! ❞ The Fishman roared, taking her wrist in a bruising grip to hold it above her head and roughly shaking her like a ragdoll, not seeming to care about the blood now trickling down her arm. ❝ Stupid wench, do you realize what time it is? ❞ Already so angry. Good. Nami knew Arlong ordered his men not to harm her, but all she had to do was say the right words to tick them off and they would act without thinking of said orders, especially the idiots like this one seemed to be. Giving her arm a tug, definitely not using enough strength to get out of his grip, Nami tilted her head off to the side, as if confused. ❝ Why... I believe it's half-past kiss my ass, ❞ she stated in a sickeningly sweet tone. It got the desired effect. If he wasn't already angry, he definitely was now. Absolutely livid if his features twisting up was anything to go by, and it had Nami lighting up inside, even after getting swiftly backhanded. Her head knocked harshly to the side, blood flooding her mouth from accidentally biting into her cheek, but she couldn't stop herself from chuckling. Please. Don't let me think... Don't let me feel anything else... ❝ Fucking bitch. Seems you need to be put in your place, again. ❞ Yes, it seems I do...