#trent and his guard dog that he hates

[jesterjaxx]

Miscellaneous doodles from yee olden times (3 weeks ago ish)

[snowflakeselfships]

Speaking of the meth show freaks, I've actually been meaning to ask: Does Tuco go to prison in Trent's canon? I kinda like the idea of a pining prison romance, I wonder how they'd handle it 🤔 I just know Tuco would be paranoid as fuck about someone messing with Trent while he's locked up D:

He does! However, he doesn't end up stabbing an inmate or assaulting a guard due to Trent's constant pleas/reminders for him to not do anything to get his sentence extended, so he only does six months.

Six months is still a long time, though. They miss each other horribly, despite visiting/having phone calls/exchanging letters as often as possible.

Trent doesn't even know what to do with himself, as his life has completely revolved around Tuco for about a year at this point. He does somewhat enjoy the freedom that comes with not having to be at Tuco's side the majority of the time, but he also feels very exposed and unprotected without him (as much as Trent is like a little purse dog to Tuco, Tuco is like an aggressive guard dog to Trent) and he feels directionless and kind of useless. Nacho gives him things to do to keep busy, but his unofficial "job" has been soothing and defusing Tuco for so long that that's what he's used to focusing his energy on.

Tuco is, of course, absolutely crawling the walls, both because he hates being locked up and because he despises not knowing what Trent's doing/who he's with/if he's safe at all times. His paranoia surrounding Trent cheating/running away/getting hurt/being killed gets kicked up to 11 while he's in prison, which negatively impacts his mental health pretty badly. By the time he gets out he's a wreck and needs Trent to be at his side 24/7.

The whole experience brings them closer together in the end, because it cements the fact that they're willing to do whatever it takes to stay together. Neither of them can imagine a life without the other.

[jimothy-hopkins]

- Prefect Headcanons II -

They carry walkie talkies at night.

Seymour is terrified of the dark, and does not like to patrol the main building at night.

Regardless Seth forces him to do it cause he finds it hilarious.

Max is the drill team commander, and the JROTC battalions command sergeant major. (Aka the person who keeps track of the flags for color guard)

Karl is terrible at chemistry and nearly had a mental breakdown during a test.

Seymour is captain of the tennis team and is insanely good at it.

Seth scares the shit out of the other prefects and has reduced Max to tears in front of the other two.

That being said Max is very much intimidated by Seth and will do anything and everything he tells him to do no questions asked.

Karl does try to cheer Max up when he Seth gets a rip at him.

He’s a jerk not a shitty friend.

Seymour is a ladies man through and through.

He’s also slightly dabbled in the romantic interest of the male students.

Seth has broken a wooden flag pole over Max’s head.

Max actually almost went blind from the sheer force Seth put into the strike.

For reference Seth struck Max in the back of his head. Which, when you hit someone hard enough you can blind them since that’s where the visual cortex is if I’m not mistaken.

Max escaped this encounter with a concussion and some staples in his head.

His vision was blurred for a few days but slowly cleared up.

Seymour and Seth fight the most.

Karl really just sits back and watches the other three abuse each other.

Seymour struggles with healthy eating habits since he feels like his diet is the only thing he can control.

Max has anger issues and can go from 0-100 REAL quick.

He has broken Seth’s nose at least twice. Not to mention he’s beat countless students.

Karl hates kids. Like if he sees Pedro or Gloria it takes so much self control for him to not push them.

Seth is a very extra dog dad. His corgi is spoiled rotten.

Reiterating that Seymour is a beast at tennis. He’s the best player they’ve got. He, Trent, Gord, and Derby are KILLIN it.

[thatcrazychalupa]

Chapter 1

Fjord had many surnames: Stone, Tusktooth, Swiftblade, Sea demon, and a few more colorful unflattering ones. He was born in the Dwendalian Empire, his first memories being a slightly run down but functional orphanage. Life was hard there, but not unduly cruel. However, he was not allowed to stay long as the Empire began a crusade against any they deemed heathenistic enough not to be welcome in their Empire.

Being half orc in blood, and showing that side visibly in his appearance, Fjord was forced to flee the orphanage and the empire when he was ten years of age. He found refuge on the seas, the captain of the ship "Hellwinds" allowing him to join the crew. For the next ten years he had been a sailor. During that time, the crusade in the Empire ended but the prejudice did not. Fjord soon found his allegiance siding with the Xhorasian Dynasty, especially when the prejudice turned to war with his new found home.

Long, bitter, harsh years followed; the war dealt heavy blows on both sides of the conflict with neither looking to become a victory anytime soon. Fjord led a group of warriors in the last two years that had made a name for themselves both in the Dynasty and the Empire. Somehow they picked up the name Mighty Nine from some one with a strange accent, and it had simply stuck. They were a mixed number of people from both sides of the conflict, all banding together with the common goal of ending the bloodshed.

Fjord, the half-orc warlock, had been elected as leader (generally just in public as the group was close enough to call each other family) and was viewed as Xhorasian in origin. He was still dealing with problems regarding his patron, yet the war had proven distraction enough in recent times. Mollymauk and Yasha were also viewed as Xhorasian in origin. Mollymauk was a Tiefling, vibrantly purple and ostentatious in dress, and a Bloodhunter by trade. Yasha was a fallen Aisimar barbarian, her size, milky skin and black hair enough cause for most any of the Empire to dismiss her.

Caduceus and Jester were considered neutral in the conflict, both from regions uninvolved in the fighting. As a Firbolg, Caduceus was better accepted on the Empire side despite his white pallor and bright pink hair. Meanwhile, Jester as a short blue Tiefling was better accepted by the Dynasty. As the clerics of the group, that had made it easier for them to gain trust of the others when they had initially joined.

Nott was a goblin, hated by both sides but her skills as a Rogue made navigating that minefield of danger possible.

Lastly, their one member from the Empire, Beauregard. A human expositor from the Cobalt Soul, the monk had been an invaluable asset during the last few weeks preceding the peace talks. While the Cobalt Soul was part of the empire and supported it, they had their own agenda that, thankfully, involved an end to the bloodshed.

The group now resided in a keep that was situated close to the main pass that connected the Dynasty and the Empire. As a mix of both sides, they were the front line for assuring peace and keeping any thoughts of invasion far from becoming reality.

Apparently, however, King Dwendal thought their numbers skewed too far in favor of the Dynasty. Thus, the group had gathered in what had been a war room but was now called a conference room instead.Fjord laid the message out on the tabletop, tapping it once as he announced the contents without preamble. It was the easiest way to get the rather chaotic group’s attention. "As a sign of their commitment to the peace, the Empire is giving us one of their Archmages."

There was a sharp outcry of 'what' and 'why' and Fjord held up a hand to still any arguments as he continued. "Her majesty did mention this as a possibility." He reminded them, speaking of the Bright Queen. "Most of us are from the Dynasty, it’s not so strange they want another representative of the Empire."

"But an archmage? Fjord, you have to admit, that is a little suspicious." Nott argued.

"Our group isn’t just a figurehead." Caduceus reminded the goblin. "We guard the pass and the villages around it. We show that both sides can fight together, not just against each other. It makes sense someone with battle capabilities would join our number."

"Better someone who can fight than some political liability we have to look after at all times." Fjord agreed, attention turning to Beau as the monk shook her head and leaned forward to speak.

"Unless things have changed dramatically in the last year since I've been away, mages aren’t well respected in the Empire and they don’t have much political power. There are a couple at the top, in charge of the assembly, that do. But the rest..." Beauregard shrugged.

"That could have easily changed. The last few months of fighting involved a lot of mages on their side." Molly reminded them. "Some of them leading the charge."

"Because they were running out of soldiers, same as us." Nott interjected.

"Exactly." Beau took up again, giving a brief nod of agreement. "Otherwise I doubt King Dwendal would have let them lead in the last few battles like they did."

"Okay, we don’t have to worry about this mage being sent for political reasons then." Fjord commented, trying to corral the discussion to stay on topic. "Much as I would love to trust it's for the continued peace and nothing more, there’s still the possibility he's a spy, here as a strategic way for the Empire to get some advantage before restarting the war."

Their group had worked hard to help bring about this ceasefire, Fjord did not want their hard work undone by one bloodthirsty Empire Archmage.

"You always say the best way to get to know someone is in battle, why don’t we do that?" Jester asked, breaking Fjord from his thoughts.

"That might not be the best idea." Caduceus negated. "The peace is too new and fragile. Even practice combat might be taken the wrong way."

"And accidents do happen. I don’t trust them not to make that claim if someone were hurt or killed during the spar." Nott agreed, also concerned with the possibility of war reigniting. Lack of political power or not, the Empire mages were fierce and ruthless in battle, as Nott has witnessed firsthand more than once.

"There’s been rumours of a pack of dire wolves over near the Gandre Forest. Killing sheep, pets, small children. Anything of a size that gets close." Molly offered. "I'm sure we'll get a request soon, that could be our test run?"

Fjord's gaze drifted over to Nott. The best thing about their group was that, while he was technically the leader, they were all close enough that they all viewed each other as equals. Each person had their own strengths and weakness, and they respected each other for that.

The goblin nodded. "I'll verify if it's true and get a location. Or find something else if it is not."

"Thank you." Fjord said, then leaned back in his chair with a sigh.

"Fjord, don't worry." Yasha spoke up, leaning forward with a concerned expression. "If this mage causes any problems, we can just kill him"

Fjord huffed a short laugh. Yasha's brand of humor (and he hoped it was a joke, though many times only Molly was ever truly sure when she was joking) was always unexpected. "Let's try and avoid that, but thanks."

"I'm sure killing is unnecessary." Molly offered, the Tiefling’s fangs showing through his wide grin. "I'm sure Beauregard would be more than willing to straighten this mage out on who gives the orders here."

Surprisingly to both Fjord and Molly, Beau neither agreed nor laughed, just frowned deeper with an irate grunt.

Fjord sat up again, remembering that the Cobalt Soul and the Cerberus Assembly, where the entirety of the Empire mages were trained, were not on good terms. "Beau, you gonna be okay with this?"

Beau met his gaze and nodded slowly. "Yeah. Personally, I haven’t had much interaction with the Assembly. Bunch of stuck up pricks run the place. So long as we aren’t saddled with one of those assholes, I'll manage. If the point is starting the war again, makes sense they'd pick a freaking mage..." she growled.

Fjord wasn’t entirely convinced of her anger. There was a hint of doubt, a held back judgement for whoever the newest member of the group might be. Fjord took that as a good sign that, hopefully, this wouldn't be too much like throwing gunpowder on a blaze.

He took in a breath as he laid out the final tidbit of information. "They'll be here in one week. Master Trent Ikithon is escorting the Archmage here. The letter doesn't give a name but does mention he had seen battle during the fighting."

"It’s this other guy, not Trent, that's staying, right?" Beau asked.

Fjord nodded confirmation and Beauregard leaned back in her chair with a muttered 'good'. The monk didn’t look too interested in sharing if she had any concerns, so Fjord let her be. There were enough preparations to make without antagonizing the monk.

~~~

Caleb Widogast was not what one would call an imposing figure.

His hair was a dirty red, disheveled most of the time even when he made an attempt at making some order out of its chaos. Perhaps the chaos was within his own mind, thus the reason for his continued failure in such regard. His clothing was deceptively ornate, though if one were a purveyor of such it could easily be recognized as subpar material.

The Cerberus Assembly had wanted to display their wealth and power, yet fine linens were not wasted on war dogs such himself. Mages were to be of use, not to decorate the court. It made little sense to robe the mage in lavish clothing when he was simply to be of use in combat. Of course, some had argued that a gift must be properly adorned, and as such a middle ground had been reached.

Whether this truly had been the events that led to his current delivery to the Mighty Nine, Caleb did not know. He was not privy to the discussion and subsequent decision, nor was he informed of the following discussion of logistics. He could only surmise what had occurred given his current circumstance.

Three days he had been traveling with his Master, Trent Ikithon, with still two more days left in the journey.

He did wonder about those he was being delivered to. He did have some inkling of who they were, the Mighty Nine were famous within the empire. Caleb was unsure if their name was meant to be the common nine or the Zemnian word, something he pondered during the journey, given the number of individuals in the group was only currently seven. Even should they feel the need to include his name among their number, it would not add up.

Whether they would view him as worth such, he was unsure.Most of them were from Xhorhas, so Caleb had little idea what to expect of them. He had no frame of reference for how the Dynasty viewed mages, nor where he would fall on the social ladder. His excursions into Xhorhas had been for battle purposes only and he'd had no permission to explore the culture. The Nine had, apparently, accepted the offer of himself, though Caleb knew this was no accurate measure of their intent.

Whatever his standing with them, he did not presume it would be very high, especially given the human monk, expositor Beauregard, that was a part of the group. To say the Cobalt Soul did not like the Cerberus Assembly, nor the mages it produced, was an understatement. While Caleb had only experienced this prejudice through cold looks and avoidance, he often heard of less subtle actions from Master Ikithon. He had begun to have doubts as to the validity of all of the information Trent imparted to him, yet had no other frame of reference to the truth.

From the information that had come his way regarding Beauregard, the woman was a formidable force. Opinionated and headstrong some had described her. Caleb had little doubt her views would not be hidden, and had likely been spread to the others. He hoped that would not be the case. It was... difficult living and obeying Master Ikithon who's actions and instructions were (so the man oft claimed) for Caleb's own good. He did not look forward to trying to please those who held his very existence against him.

Conjecture did little good and often led his mind down a dark path he would rather not follow. He was to follow the orders of his 'new masters' as Master Ikithon had so in-delicately put it. Trent had not been pleased to have his prized pupil taken from him, though he had been quick to devise a way to turn the situation to his advantage. Above obeying the group, Caleb had a separate set of instructions from his Master. Trent was not a man to lay out all his plans, so currently Caleb knew only that he was to gain the trust of these people, prove his loyalty however possible, and wait.

Easy enough, as he would have done so in any case. Obedience and loyalty were key to survival. Should the group be displeased with him, he would be returned to the Empire, to Trent, and his failure would not go unpunished. The thought made his heartbeat quicken in his chest, Caleb sneaking a quick glance at his master, paranoid that Trent would somehow see the weakness inside of him.

The other man, however, remained seating with his gaze cast outside of the carriage. His gaze was sharp, calculating, and Caleb knew he was not idle during this long trip to the keep. Whatever his Master planned; Caleb was sure to learn his part in it in due time.

Caleb turned his gaze out the small window as well, letting his eyes roam over the open terrain as they moved steadily closer to where he would be staying for the indefinite future.

[readbythestarlight]

c2e128

On hi Gale!

"Boyfriend? Ugh!" xD

I NEED THE SHIRT IMMEDIATELY

Oh lord here we go.........

Oh Jesus okay here we go

I’m worried about Caleb here. Just, being faced with Trent like this, in this place especially, and being back in a corner

[[MORE]]

Goddddddddd

SHIT

god I’m shaking

Counterspell counterspell

God RUN YOU FOUR RUN

Someone hug him

FUCK OFF IKATHON

HOW IS HE DOING THIS

Using message?

"I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to you yet"

No babes he’s not talking to you

Fuck you Trent

Veth being surprised they actually succeeded Lol

Give one to Essek plz

Attunment sigh

Veth honey do you not have a key to the house

Fuck OFF TRENT

I’m going to crawl through my screen and tear him apart

Oh no

Now the assembly is gonna be after them for sure

Carrots are immune to scrying it’s canon

Also fuck they shouldn’t have gone to Veth’s house

Caleb... babe......

Fuck now he knows about the

Oh no

"I have my theories about where you might have learned" don’t TOUCH my other boy Trent I WILL personally fuck you up

And he knows about Vess too great

YES be worried for Essek

Please check on him

Caleb is shaking so bad

Babe

And now if something happens to Essek Caleb will blame himself for that this is NOT what I want

Okay good, good, reassure him

"I am responsible for your family. And yours. And you."

"And I worry... that I am... the very thing he told me I was."

"Not yet. Not yet."

"You did good. You got what we needed."

Good, reassure him.

Oh no she did talk about her mom to the guard fuck

"He was looking at you with puppy dog eyes?"

"Oh my god Fjord he loved me so much."

Jester is gonna send her to the Gentleman xD

"I think we’ve done enough damage today." Taliesin xD

Okay seriously huh Caleb please

Also I’m Shadowgast trash so I hope something comes from this

One to all family members and then one for Essek good

Hn I get Fjord’s point tho being near the ocean isn’t good for him personally

Veth and Yeza are literally just so wholesome and cute

Divine Intervention okayyyy

Artagan left her on read lol

Awww Yasha talking to the Stormlord

Whatcha so nervous about, babe?

Jester trying to help Yasha out is so sweeeeeet

Artagan is SUCH a dork I love him

Oh no

It’s THOSE crystals

Caleb is fucked UP right now y’all need to take care of this boy

God this is fucked up fucking fuck

Genuinely when is it going to be time to kill Trent

Taliesin xD

I miss whispers pandemic will be over WHEN

Awwwww god I love their reunions

Oh god poor Marion

I hate this

"What have you done?"

Noooooo

"I’m not angry I’m just—I just worry about you."

I’m crying it’s fine

We stan supportive family members

Uncle Caleb

Fjord you dork xD

Be careful Blud buddy

Oh Fjord, what have you done you goober

Anyway I’m nervous about those two

I need to sleep ugh

Anyway can we briefly talk about how Veth is apparently planning to leave the group after Aeor

Not that I can blame her but that’s gonna be SAD

Anyway I’m glad they’re gonna take a calm "let’s talk to them" approach

"Making’ my way downthestairs" I love how they always burst into that song

Ooooo Jester going in disguise as mom, that could be risky

Stop fucking calling him Bren

Wait

Astrid??

Is it Astrid and Wulf??

Holy shit and they’re WARNING him??

Oh god oh god oh fuck

This is bad

"Trent is, um... frustrated" Trent can choke

"And I hope we don’t meet again."

They’re helping him and I’m baffled yet glad

Oh man... poor Jester, she’s gonna be so upset with herself for mentioning her mom

I know Cad doesn’t go for it, but I’m gonna forever believe Wulf has a bit of a crush on Cad

They’re helping Caleb specifically which is giving me some hardcore feelings

Blud should go with them too if he wants, he can help keep Marion safe

Also god I can’t wait for the Gentleman to open the door and see all this happen

Who is it who is

Oh another one?? How are Astrid and Wulf going to lie about being there if there’s a

Mother FUCKER I KNEW IT

Veth honey be careful

Don’t go in don’t go in they WILL catch you

Okay good

Time to GO

I hate the idea of splitting up but time to go time to GO

God I’m so fucking stressed

I hope Yussah is willing to help them

And NOW we go to break

L: "we’ve played this game for years! It’s make believe! I’m so scared!!"

They can track Yeza, and also probably Marion

Please Yussah be willing to help them I’m begging

Wentsworth is a good boy at least I like him

How is Marion?? Is she okay?

Oh sweetie

Hardcore agoraphobia poor dear

Caduceus you’re such a sweetheart

Also Cad is scared too he sounds so tense

He’s in the

He’s out of town?

HE’S GONE DRAGON HASNT HE

He

He went to the WHAT

I love that he’s trying to help I guess but that makes me vaguely nervous

Aw not dragon, what a shame

Oh sure Jester there’s no way THAT could go wrong

If y’all get Yussah’s tower fucked up he’s gonna be so pissed

Using unknown magic is probably not your smartest choice rn

Wait can’t Beau just read any language? I thought that was a monk thing

Okay okay okay

I really wanted Blud to come with them :(

Plane shift oh dear

Y’all don’t need to plane shift how will you get back again??

Can y’all then get back after resting?

And it’s not even big enough for all of them

And also like they could just end up getting stuck fighting things they don’t have spells for

Caleb shut the fuck up

Thank you for putting that down immediately, Cad and Veth

Sewers gross

Why don’t you all just go to the sewers and hide out and get to a ship and go

I don’t like splitting up I don’t like splitting up I don’t like splitting up!!

Like they’d be split up for at least a few days right? And I don’t like it

Hide them in the ball???

I was thinking that, Veth! Not that it’s a good idea but I just so hate splitting up

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck I’m so STRESSED

oh fuck

FUCK

NO

Who is at the DOOR

Right it’s like reverse Narnia

No Matt now you’re backwards xD

They’ve all confused themselves now with the time ball

So you’re gonna send the family to the fire plane instead??

Fuck fuck fuck GO

Yussah’s gonna be so pissed if someone breaks into his tower because of them while he’s looking for answers for him

Aw Fjord’s and Jester’s little goodbye “be safe” moment

Fuckfuckfuck

I’m so fucking stressed

Can y’all believe the happy fun ball has become such a useful thing?

FUCKING NO

NOOOOO

NOOOOOOO BITCH

Goddddddd

I can’t breathe

“It’s like Rolf in Sound of Music” except Rolf betrayed them

I’m SCARED y’all god like I’m literally so stressed out

Is it Thursday yet??

God I hope Yussah is safe and that the Assembly doesn’t hurt him or steal any of his stuff

And Wentsworth too

[hey-malarkey]

finale au trent's dogs turn on him

beau gets the glue and the fan jump from veth, she secures the collar around his neck and then holds him down until back up can arrive. Yasha stands on his balls and Caleb crowds his chest with Beau. But it's Astrid who finishes placing the silence lock around his throat.

A metal collar, cold around his neck with a lovely jewel glowing red at its center. Astrid says "down, trent" and stands, watching the smirk fall from his face. Seeing his throat work but not hearing anything come out of his mouth.

Eadwulf approaches from the sideline, nearly dead, life having been tethered to him and for nothing, for no hits to make it thru to their target. Life having been run by this one man, given orders to follow like a dog. Come, Kill, Go, Stay, Fetch. From wristpocket he conjures a length of leather braiding and attaches it to the collar at Trent's throat.

A short leash. When Trent goes to stand, and Astrid repeats down! and he ignores her, Eadwulf pulls on the leash, forcing Trent to fall face first to the dirt. The knees of his fancy robes smeared with mud and blood and a bit of ash from the breeze blowing the smoldering remains of the temple towards them.

Trent's eyes blaze with hate as he looks back up at them and Eadwulf fists his hand in the long hair of his former master, pushing him nose to the ground.

"You've done wrong, don't do it again," he commands, voice thick as he presses harder. Trent's muscles strain against him, trying to push him off. He can see he tension running through him clear as day. But no words force him to kneel to him any longer. He rubs Trent's face in the small pool of Eadwulf's own blood and admonishes him again.

Astrid's hand touches the top of his where it's tight and gripping Trent's long gray hair. He loosens his hold, allowing the man away from the ground. He stays on his knees, head bowed. No--looking down, not bowed. There is no surrender, here. This is temporary, as all things are to Trent. He is waiting, biding his time.

Astrid puts her other hand to Eadwulf's cheek, guiding his eyes away from the sight of their master to her.

"Let's go home, heart, and leave the mutt to his own distraction," she says to him, not looking down. For a moment his grip tightens on the leash in his hand. The carefully crafted emptiness leaving him and instead bringing discordant thoughts and feelings he'd long thought himself robbed of. Things he did not want to feel again.

He looks down and can see the edge of a smirk on Ikithon's face, and a wave of rage crashes over him in a way it hasn't for years.

"Let's away, Astrid. We have much to make up to him," he replies. He sees a spark in her eyes and she nods, grim. The others are surrounding them but been so focused on Ikithon, they ignored the conversation between them. Eadwulf reached around her waist and Astrid cast Teleport, taking them home--taking them to Ikithon's manor--before any of the others could counterspell or follow.

They do not look down as they walk in silence. They ignore the scuffling shuffle of a reticent old man trying to stand and not being allowed it, forced to crawl or walk half bent, Eadwulf's grip on the leash strong. They take him to one of the experiment rooms similar to what resides beneath Vergessen.

Eadwulf ties him to one of the chairs, wrist and ankle manacles secured, leash wrapped around one of the legs. He quickly conducts a search through his robes, ensuring no components or arcane focuses are in reach. He confiscates whatever he finds or cuts pieces of the robe entirely, just to be safe.

"We will be back later. Behave," is all Astrid says, double checking that the man is secure in place before she turns, tugging on Eadwulf's tightened fist once more.

They leave the room together, to the scuffs of chair legs as Trent fights to move from his binds. If he is not careful, the chair will tip and no one will be there to right it. Eadwulf finds himself hoping for that outcome.

They walk downstairs and find the skeleton staff. Astrid does the talking while Eadwulf holds back a tremor building in his chest. The staff scatter and he feels himself breathe again as they continue to the chambers every new selection of students is given. They sit on one of the small beds of one room. Where Eadwulf and Bren had shared, long ago.

"Remember the mouser your parents had? The wild one who came in on snowy nights and ran out all other nights of the year, even in the rain? Even if it hailed?"

Eadwulf nods. They'd never given it a distinct name that he can remember. The mouser did its job well enough, and kept rats away from the barn and the house and the storage.

"We knew what we came from. We knew we were lucky."

Eadwulf nods again, leaning back against the wall. He closes his eyes. Astrid leans back with him. In his mind's eye he can see her playing with the longer hair she covers her scarring with. Eadwulf has similar scars across his shoulders and chest. He'd always been the tallest of the three of them, and when Bren had lost himself, his damage had been easier to hide than for Astrid.

"I always wanted a dog. What a laugh Fate must be having. Ikithon's guard dogs now guard him-the dog." Astrid leans into his side. His burned side. It has been years since they flared, and they do not flare today, either. He is still weak, still needs to heal from the battle. But he does not burn like he did the night they lost their friend.

His emotions crash and struggle, but they do not burn.

"We can kill him in the morning. Then we can disappear. It is what we were trained for, no?"

One last task as ordered by the master. Go, fetch, kill, run. Hide. Hide the shakes across your body as you obey. Hide away the part of you that flinched when you were first ordered to kill. Go, fetch, kill, run, hide. The only thing you've known for so long. What's one more night, one more order to follow through on?

"We could leave him in the room until he starves. Dismiss the staff, they never go to the rooms anyway. They know better. He could thrash until he's weak, until blood wells under the manacles at his wrists and ankles and call and scream and curse and cast and nothing will happen. No one will witness his final moments. He will be alone, abandoned, and without the satisfaction of seeing us kill him face to face."

Astrid's voice does not stutter, stumble, or break. Neither in anticipation nor hesitance.

"An ignoble end."

"Ja."

Eadwulf almost thinks he can hear a howl of rage from the distance. He shakes himself, once, before turning his head, looking down to Astrid leaning into him.

"And then we walk. Wherever we want."

"Together," Astrid confirms, leaning up to peck at his cheek. Eadwulf feels a warmth slide down and settle into his stomach.

He thinks he might slip into the room and snap his neck, just for good measure. Or take a note from Bren's new friends, and feed him with low-grade acid. Ensure that nothing will ever come from that dangerous mouth again. As long as they can both know, with certainty, that wherever they go he is not hanging over their heads, he thinks he can pull through the swirl of emotions being re-opened in him, and maybe be happy.

[twoblueheartslocked]

Seblaine Para- Present Day (NYE1)

Para: Hold On To The Memories, They Will Hold On To You

Rating: PG-13 

Pairing: Seblaine. 

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: New Year’s Eve- Present Day. (1)

Location: Manhattan, New York

Info: A former Dalton Academy Warbler throws a New Year’s party for any former Warblers that can make it to NYC. Sebastian and Blaine haven’t seen each other in almost four years. They haven’t spoken for over two years. Both of them are changed and damaged in different ways. Feelings pushed down by time that never went away flare up in the worst way. 

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, mentions of drug use, death, smoking, drinking, cursing. 

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. You’ve all been warned.)

Notes: Under a cut because of length.

Blaine’s POV:

Breathe in and back out again, Blaine. Count to ten. You’ve got this. Most of these people here have your best interest in mind. You don’t need to worry. Everything is going to be alright. You can get through this night in one piece and you’ll be back home, in Brooklyn,  in your cramped, shitty apartment, in your cramped, shitty bed, in your closet of a bedroom before you know it.

Blaine’s inner monologue, something his therapist thought him to do, did very little to quell the nerves and rampant anxiety that seemed to be chewing through the pit of his stomach as he made his way into the crowded New Years party. Former Warblers- from ages 18 to who knows, graced the walls of the rooftop Manhattan apartment that some Warbler, whose name kept escaping him, owned. For the third time since he tousled his loose curls with product that night he wondered what the hell he was doing here. He’d only been at Dalton for two years before he made the stupid, yet admittedly valuable, jump to McKinley High. He felt like a fraud among the alumni that had spent all four years within it’s halls. Still, he’d told Sam that he would try and with a promise from David and Nick to not abandon him, he managed to follow through.

 He just hoped and prayed to a god he wasn’t sure existed that Kurt didn’t decide he wasn’t too good to call himself a Warbler and show up. His stomach gave a painful lurch at the recurring worry and the back of his neck throbbed, a phantom of clenched fingers squeezing too tight to make a point. And it was so intense that Blaine could swear Kurt was there, right behind him. He ducked his head, shame washing through him as his eyes darted around the room, wide and on full alert. Why hadn’t he worn a scarf? He’d been promised by David, who was promised by the host, that Kurt had turned down the invite, but he couldn’t shake the fingers and the ringing sound of disappointment in his ears that always sounded a lot like his ex-boyfriend’s voice.

He wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of attention he’d get as he was spotted by the first of his class of Warblers. Trent, and Wes were clapping him on the back, and pulling him into hugs. Jeff throwing an arm over his shoulders and shouting over the thump of bass- something about him being the man, the myth, the legend himself. Causing Blaine to tense up at the sudden contact, his cheeks flaring up red and hot at the words. He forced himself to smile, and give a gentle laugh to shake off the attention. Most of these people hadn’t seen him since high school. They didn’t really even know him anymore at all. Few did. These guys- they still thought of him as Blaine Warbler, the face of Dalton- with his easy smiles for everyone, and charisma and charm. If his old friends noticed his unusual quiet they didn’t address it. Blaine was glad for it. He didn’t think he could handle a look of pity for his losses or any of his plights.

He let himself be handed a clear plastic cup, someone must have remembered that he liked whisky, probably David, and he took a cautious sip. He didn’t need to get drunk and uninhibited around people he hardly knew anymore. Someone offered to take his short black pea coat from him and he politely declined, pulling the fabric around him like a shield. He felt a little like his teenage self, putting too much gel in his hair as if it would protect him and all at once he cursed himself for not giving up his coat. He made himself take another drink, hoping he could loosen up just a bit.

Twenty minutes in and he had managed to truly laugh at a few memories his old friends brought up. He even managed to talk about a few without second guessing himself. A little of his old confidence rising to the surface. He hadn’t even noticed that David had left his side until his friend gently tugged on his sleeve, his handsome, dark features looking stressed. Blaine’s body instantly froze, his eyes wide as he mouthed Kurt? to his second closest friend. But, David shook his head and sighed regretfully before he pointed to the balcony and time seemed to stop for Blaine because he wasn’t supposed to be here either.

There, on the balcony, framed by a snowy New York City skyline in a halo of cigarette smoke, looking bored even though Blaine couldn’t see his face, as he was facing the city, stood Sebastian Smythe. Clothed in a thigh length black pea coat, the grey hood of a hoodie peeking out over the collar, his long legs holding up a thin frame, too thin, actually. Did the man ever eat? As if Blaine were one to talk… And suddenly, just like that, seeing his absolute asshole of an ex didn’t seem as bad as this. Nor would it feel as bad. And for a second Blaine couldn’t breathe properly. And his heart throbbed at the sight of him and all at once he truly wished it was Kurt instead. He’d take feeling small and useless over the pain of regret and heartbreak any day.

 Suddenly he was newly seventeen again and both of his parents were still alive and he was happy as his fingers laced with a uncharacteristically shy Sebastian’s. And Seb’s trademark smirk was gone and replaced with an imperfectly perfect toothy, wide smile that made his impossible green eyes crinkle in delight. And that smile was new to Seb and seemed made up just for Blaine for a little while and Blaine was giddy and free in a way he couldn’t remember ever feeling before. They fit together in a way that Blaine had never felt and would never feel again and Blaine’s heart had ached to just stay with him… and-

A slight shake from David brought him back to present time and Blaine dragged his eyes from the balcony to look into David’s deep brown gaze. David assured him that Sebastian hadn’t seen him yet and that they could just leave, but how could Blaine do that? It had been so long… He licked his lips and took a long pull on his drink, draining the rest in one go. He handed the cup to his friend and assured him that he’d be fine. He’d regret it if he didn’t say hello. Right? He stood up, feeling the heat of whisky course through him as he made his way through the crowd and to the open balcony door. He pulled his gloves on before pushing outside, liquid courage making him feel brave for a moment. He hadn’t noticed at first, but Hunter Clarington was out here too, looking like some sort of guard dog with raised hackles protecting his friend and Blaine almost turned back because what must Hunter think of him? Would he stop him before he even had the chance to speak? He braved it and gave Hunter a nod and a twitch of his lips that was meant to be a smile.

With each step towards Sebastian his heart pounded as if it were in danger. Boom, boom, boom... When his voice came out, he hardly recognized it as his own and when Sebastian turned to face him his booming heart ached all over again because god dammit  he was still so beautiful.

“Hey, Seb.” It was soft and unsure and he prayed to see his smile, but knew he’d get the same old, I don’t care about anything, smirk.

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian didn’t care about this stupid Warbler party. He couldn't care less about pretending and parading around talking about majors and future plans and cramped dorm rooms and sketchy roommates. He hardly checked his Facebook let alone keep up with fucking Trent or some other random wasp from BFE Ohio. Sebastian didn’t even really know if he considered himself a Warbler anymore. Of course, Hunter insisted that he was. It was Seb, after all, who helped him climb out of his Steroid problem and who was dance captain for his short time at the school. He didn’t really have any friends from Dalton, just Hunter and Seb couldn’t decide half of the time if that was out of “bro code” or “owing him one”.  He had run away to Paris after his heart was broken by every good Dalton boy’s favorite guy and he never went back. Sebastian’s heart wasn’t in Westerville, it wasn’t in Paris, either. Sebastian would know, he had spent countless nights chasing gold in the blue and brown eyes of Parisian men. His heart wasn’t even in his own body that he filled with expensive alcohol and nicotine, that he gave away to random boys under the flash of blue and pink lights, in graffitied bathroom stalls, in the back of expensive cars, in rooms where wives were gone for the weekend.

Hunter had begged, and Sebastian hated it when he begged. “C’mon,dude. Don’t make me go alone. Everyone will ask about you.” “Man up and go. Don’t be a dick.” “Bas, please go.” Sebastian kept insisting in texts and phone calls that he found the party to be a waste of time even though he and his friend both knew he was afraid of seeing a certain somebody there. “What’s the point? It’s a party for people who had their peak in high school. How pitiful.” Hunter ignored him and told him that Blaine probably wouldn’t show up. Suddenly it was the evening of the party and Sebastian was being shoved into an Uber by Hunter who was visiting from Cambridge for the weekend. He chainsmoked the entire way to the party much to the chagrin of their disgruntled driver. Sebastian kept his eyes locked on the rear view mirror to make distinct eye contact with the grumpy man driving, he’d take a long drag anytime their eyes met and the man would huff. Hunter left a big tip, Sebastian winked on the way out with a dry laugh. “That was probably the most fun I’m going to have tonight.”

 He walked into the party, the apartment was nice enough and lit with white Christmas lights strung everywhere. There was generic pop music throbbing through the walls and plenty to drink, nothing too crazy expensive but nothing cheap that would cause a terrible hangover the next morning. There were more than just former Warblers, there were some girls and some random guys. Maybe Sebastian could score tonight and leave early, lock Hunter out of his apartment that he did not remember inviting him to stay in.

Seb poured himself a shot of vodka and tossed it back before Jeff made eye contact with him and tried pulling him into a hug. He held his hands out and simply deadpanned a “No way.” before he turned to pour himself another shot as the blonde prattled on about whatever Ivy League he was attending. Sebastian nodded towards the balcony, Hunter followed and Jeff got the hint. Hunter started to reprimand Sebastian about how he could at least try to be nice but all he could focus on was the light snow that began to swirl in the air and the itch in the back of his throat for another cigarette. He waved his hand dismissively and lit another one, tilted his head back and exhaled into the dark sky.

Seb flicked his cigarette into the New York night. Maybe the ashes would settle among the stars. He tried to focus on that thought rather than listen to the familiar voice he had heard slip through the crack in the balcony door. He knew the minute he turned around, he was going to be Blaine’s fool all over again. Sebastian became aware of everything at once. He could feel Hunter shift his weight, he must have seen him through the windows. He could hear the conversation get louder over the excitement of Blaine being there, could feel the air trying to escape from his lungs, the butterflies fight against his rib-cage, his heart pound in his fucking ears. He swallowed a thick gulp that he hoped the other man didn’t see and took a shaky drag as he stared at the snow gathering on the buildings around them. Blaine loves this shit, he thought to himself. Sebastian hated the cold but he would stand in a blizzard if it meant listening to Blaine wax poetic about snow globes and winter magic. He’d never say any of that out loud, he’d rather throw himself off of the balcony into the busy streets of the city.

Sebastian bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes for a moment when he heard the door creak, the sounds of the party drift on the cold winter air. He needed to suck it up and turn around. He could do this. Sebastian spun around, his green eyes on Blaine’s giant golden ones immediately as if by some magnetic force. He took a slow, deliberate drag of his cigarette, prayed that nobody could hear the rapid thud of his give away heart in his chest. Sebastian noticed David’s tall figure behind him, felt Hunter’s nerves and heard  him mutter “fuck…” under his breath. He flicked his cigarette, “Relax, David. I won’t hurt him.” Sebastian smirked, couldn’t look away from Blaine. He looked...well obviously he looked wonderful, he always did. Snowflakes were starting to collect in his black curls and his cheeks were red from the bitter winter air.

Sebastian hoped his voice  sounded even and cool, hoped his chill ‘I don’t give a fuck’ demeanor that he worked way too hard on was evident, even though he felt like he was sixteen and stuck in the midst of a raging crush all over again.

“Hey Killer. Long time no see.” 

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine’s brain buzzed at the use of his old nickname. The one that had gotten him in trouble with Kurt, the first time they were together, every single time it was used by Sebastian. Blaine had always secretly liked it, liked that it was his and no one else called him that. He’d never tell Seb, even as they had gotten closer, he always rolled his eyes and shook his head as if it miffed him when in reality it sent the butterflies fluttering around his belly. It was almost as nice as when Seb would eventually whisper B... into his ear when he’d let Blaine kiss his neck… Best not go there, Anderson. That was years ago. So, he rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Not that same old tune again.” He tried to make it sound playful, but really it just made him ache more. He turned and looked over his shoulder at David, giving him a small smile. “It’s okay- I’m okay.” He wondered if David knew he was lying. He nodded as if that would forced the point. David sighed and stepped back into the party, but Blaine could still see the outline of his body close to the door. He was thankful.

There was a snowflake clinging to Seb’s cheek like a lifeline, no wait, it was ash from the careless flick of Seb’s cigarette and Blaine wanted nothing more than to take his glove off, reach out and swipe it away with his thumb. Once upon a time Blaine had been on to him about this bad habit, and how dangerous it was, but couldn’t deny it’s attractiveness… This was absolute insanity. Blaine had only had Sebastian for a short time, but that was all it took to completely ruin him. Perhaps he ruined himself in the process, it was his fault they cracked in the first place. Right? His heart gave a painful thump as he let himself think back to their months spent getting to know each other, the real person behind their facades. He remembered his first taste of Seb’s mouth against his and how he thought, in that moment, that he’d be happy just kissing him for the rest of his life, but then their one perfect, intimate night together proved him wrong. He’d just wanted to touch him forever.

And for a moment, lost in his thoughts, Blaine almost smiled at the memories. That was until he remembered what came after, the news that ripped his happiness apart and left him gutted, the loss that rendered Blaine useless to himself and everyone else. The loss was his downfall in more ways than one and the reason Blaine allowed himself to go back to Kurt and the reason he was skittish now, the reason he hadn’t kissed anyone in nine months, the reason he was stuck in this shell of himself in the first place. Phantom fingers squeezed the back of his neck again and he swallowed hard, hoping it wasn’t noticed. Breathe in, breathe out. Count to ten. You’ve got this, Blaine. He shoved his hands into his pockets, hoping they’d think he was shaking from the cold.

He cleared his throat, forcing himself out of his memories, memories that did nothing but hurt him like they no doubt hurt Sebastian, even though the other man seemed to be doing fine on the outside, Blaine remembered the stricken, pained look and the welling of tears in too bright green eyes. Blaine knew you couldn’t fake that. He took another deep breath, and made himself smile up at the taller man, it was small and meek, but it was a smile nonetheless. He couldn’t bring himself to look Sebastian in the eye, so he instead focused on the little fleck of ash on his cold flushed cheek and tried not to think about how Sebastian was more breathtaking than the snowy city skyline he adored so much.

“I’m surprised you came, it’s not really your scene, is it?’ He forced a laugh, noting how Hunter was flicking looks between the two of them and over his shoulder where David was still no doubt lurking. “I didn’t even know you were in New York.” A lie- and it just rolled off of his tongue as if to prove something. But of course Blaine knew Seb was here, had been for maybe two years. “Are you going to school here, or just visiting?” The small talk would be the death of him. He’d give anything to just be in his shitty, yet cozy apartment where he wasn’t on display and where he could at least try to pretend he wasn’t miserable with a Netflix and donuts distraction. Midnight felt years away.

Sebastian’s POV: 

“Well, you’ve always had an effect on me, B. You have me feeling a little nostalgic.”  Sebastian took another long drag and blew the smoke out of the side of his mouth, one arm folded across his chest to clutch at his arm, cigarette at his side. He heard Hunter scoff and could see the shake of his head as if to say ‘you never give anything a rest, do you?’ How could he give anything a rest when his biggest regret was standing in front of him with nervous tension in the crease of his forehead?

Sebastian finished his cigarette and dropped it to the ground, stomped the flame out with the tip of his boot. It would be a little gift for the random Warbler who owned the apartment. He shoved his hands into his pockets and nodded as Blaine spoke. Sebastian noticed that he wasn’t making eye contact, which was strange for him. Blaine was charismatic and talkative and charming, he could sell paper to a tree. The warm light that normally seemed to follow the other man everywhere he went seemed dimmed, his smile didn’t reach those perfect eyes. Sebastian knew hurt, he knew quiet pain and it was written all over Blaine.

Hunter mumbled that he was going to grab them some drinks and left the balcony to just the two of them. Seb could hear New Years party goers yelling in the streets, could what laughter and dull music and car horns. It would be midnight soon and he wished he was lost in a crowded bar right about now rather than faking small talk with somebody he used to adore. Sebastian hated small talk and he hated faking how he really felt and here he was, failing at both.

“Okay, small talk. Here we go. Yeah, it’s not my scene. Hunter begged me to come. I’ve lived here for a couple years. I go to Columbia. How about you, Blaine? Living your wildest dreams? Married yet? Starring on Broadway? Breaking hearts? What’s new?” He cleared his throat and forced a smirk. He knew he sounded abrasive. Sebastian shoved his hands in his coat pockets and rocked back on his heels, ducking his head to try and get the other man to look at him, to really look at him. “See something you like?” He couldn’t wait for Hunter to come back with a drink to distract his hands and quiet his mind for a brief moment.

Blaine’s POV: 

Blaine let out a mirthless laugh, it sounded small and timid in his ears and he cursed himself for sounding that way. He opened his mouth to reply, to say something that could match Sebastian, to keep up with him the way he used to be able to, but nothing came out. He just nodded, his shoulder coming up in a shrug as if he’d forgotten how to use his mouth. This was hell for him. This tension, this emotion that was threatening to take hold of him. Why the hell had he come out here? To say hi? What kind of bullshit was that? Did he think that it would prove something to himself? That he could do it without falling apart? There was a reason he hadn’t spoken to Sebastian in over two years. There was a reason Sebastian’s stance was defensive right now. There was a reason Blaine was internally falling apart all over again, after he’d done such a bang up job putting himself back together. He should have just left. It would have been better for him than this...whatever this was.

He watched as Hunter left the balcony, leaving him and Sebastian, miraculously,  all alone. Seriously, why wasn’t this spot running wild with party goers? Midnight wasn’t even twenty minutes away and the people of New York would usually kill for this spot. Up high in the grey black skyline of NYC, he could even hear the faint sounds of Taylor Swift singing in Times Square in the silence that lay between him and Sebastian. Perfect melancholy soundtrack for this kind of night he guessed. He opened his mouth to try again, to maybe fill the silence but Sebastian beat him to it seeming annoyed and irritated that Blaine had asked anything at all. The use of his name caused him to tense for a split second and wonder what he’d said to warrant that when he remembered this was Sebastian. Sebastian’s default was usually annoyance. Or seduction.

He tried to make himself relax, and found that his first thought was to wonder how insensitive Sebastian could be to joke about Broadway and marriage, but he had to remind himself that Sebastian had only been around for the first part of his battle. He only knew half of what had happened to him. He didn’t know that he’d lost the music inside of him or that he felt every single day like an impostor in his own life and that love apparently was not for him. He took another deep breath and tried not to notice how Sebastian’s head dipped down for him, ducking so that he could see him. Or so that he could make Blaine see. It was familiar and a call back to younger years and it made Blaine’s heart flip. Yeah, Seb, I do. I see you. But, he didn’t say that because that wasn’t fair. Instead he stumbled over his words.

“I- N-no, I’m a Sophomore at NYU. I, um, I took a year off after high school  because, um, well, you know.” He shrugged. Yeah, blame it on the dead parents. Sure, it was partially true, but Kurt and his “helpful” suggestion to take a break and stay with him for peace of mind was the real reason and it had done nothing but damage his mind. He took another deep breath and forced himself to finally look up at Seb. To look at his face properly, his eyes meeting an intense and familiar green that were hiding their emotions very carefully. Same as always. Blaine had spent months, once upon a time, gently tugging those walls down and with regret he remembered how they snapped harshly back into place within seconds, blocking him out completely.

His anxiety was on the rise again with those kinds of thoughts and he visibly swallowed and took another deep breath. His mantra repeating in his head over and over. Breathe in, breathe out. Count to ten. You’ve got this, Blaine. Maybe it didn’t really work, maybe he was kidding himself but it was currently keeping him from his urge to cry. To obsess over Sebastian’s flippant and annoyed words because maybe Blaine had broken Seb’s heart, but he’d also broken his own in the process. The fucking thing was still in pieces that never seemed to want to fit back the way they were supposed to. But his therapist had helped him see that while his actions when he was younger were warranted, given the circumstances, he maybe could have done it in a better way. Explained himself better to Sebastian. Then maybe the two of them would be someplace else right now and Blaine would have never gone back to Kurt. He also should have stayed in therapy in high school and not stopped going for years when Kurt told him he didn’t need it. His head might be someplace else right now as well.

He tried at sarcasm. “If you consider a cramped Brooklyn flat with a closet for a bedroom and working two and half jobs on top of classes The Dream then sure, yeah, I’m living it.”  The sarcasm fell flat and he only ended up sounding self deprecating which made him want to kick himself because he didn’t want Seb’s pity. He ignored the marriage question altogether and instead chose to focus on what was actually new in his life. What could he even say? Hey Seb, I’m super fucked up, I’ve been in heavy therapy that’s breaking my bank for six months now. I take a shit load of meds that make me want to sleep for days sometimes, or keep me awake for days at other times. And sometimes they make it so I can’t eat, not even my sweets, you remember how I liked those, right? Yeah, and sometimes they make it so I can’t cry and then some days I can’t stop crying. Oh yeah, after my parents died and I lost you I went back to Kurt and he ended up being a bully this time around, like the worst kind. Can you believe I allowed myself to get abused? He struggled even thinking that word. Fuck.

No. No, he couldn’t say any of that. But, he needed to say something. Something that was good and positive about himself.  Just fucking make something up, Blaine. “Ah, well, as I said, I’ve moved to Brooklyn. Like seven or so months ago. It’s cramped, and weird living alone after, um, never living alone before but it’s mine and I get a lot of time with my music now.” Never mind that he wasn’t writing or even playing at all. Only when it came to his school work and even then it was mostly uninspired.

“What about you? Is New York treating you as good as Paris does?” Suddenly he wanted to just tell Sebastian that he missed him. That he thought about him all the damn time and that over the course of the last four years he’d picked up his phone to call him and tell him and to beg him to come back to him over a dozen times. The one time he actually did it didn’t really count because he had been intoxicated and it was messy. Instead he lamely asked, “How’s your mom?” because he’d always liked Sabine and it was the furthest thing away from I miss you as possible.

He turned and looked back into the sliding glass of the apartment door, wanting to break the eye contact in some way, feeling trapped in the emerald hue. He didn’t want to feel trapped. It made him anxious. He could make out the shape of Hunter and David bent together conversationally  as they slowly made their way back towards them. Both of them carried drinks in each hand. God, he wished they’d hurry. He could feel himself crumbling. The facade of happiness he’d painted on for his old friends falling apart the longer he stood out here talking like nothing had happened. He always did this with Sebastian. Always gave way too much of himself away to him. He let him see everything. And maybe it was because with Seb, he was allowed to be too much. Or he used to be allowed anyway. Now he had nothing. Just memories that ate him up all the time. Making Blaine feel the other shitty things in his life even more intensely. 

He wrapped his arms around himself to try and hold himself together. Midnight was close. It would arrive and then leave and Seb would, too. Probably putting the thought of Blaine back into whatever locked compartment he kept him in. And Blaine would go home and feel the chance meeting way too much and all at once and fuck he needed more to drink. His head was already throbbing right along with his heart at the thought of having to sit alone and feel this little conversation.

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian could see a million little emotions flit across Blaine’s face. Sebastian had kept track for a little while on social media but, it had hurt him to see that he had gotten back with Kurt. He had taken a step back after that. He stopped checking his Facebook obsessively, stopped staring at his Instagram, didn’t send texts or snaps. Blaine had drunkenly called him one glorious, hopeful night but it was all taken away from him the next morning. Sebastian noticed that Blaine mentioned moving and living alone. He had heard that the two of them had split and kept that information folded up like a secret love note in the back of his head. Sebastian couldn’t keep his stomach from flipping in excitement to basically hear it confirmed out loud. He reprimanded the butterflies battering his ribs, had to silently remind them that simply hearing words didn’t really mean anything and they were all just going to be let down again. “Isn’t it strange?  We’ve both been running around the city for about the same amount of time and haven’t ran into each other? I suppose it’s because you’d never find me in Brooklyn.” Sebastian threw in a trademark eye roll for good measure, trying his best to keep his voice blase. His fingers itched to light a cigarette, his nerves were on fire from the specific spike of adrenaline that only a past heartbreak can cause.

He ran a hand through his hair to shake away the snowflakes that had gathered there and shivered, he wasn’t sure if it was from the nerves or from the weather. “New York treats me just fine. There are so many beautiful men, so many parties. I stay busy.”

Sebastian’s face fell slightly when the other man asked about his mother. Part of him felt angry, like how dare he? Maybe if he cared so much he could have reached out a few times. The other part of him understood because Blaine grew close with Sabine in the short time they were involved. Seb knew that if she were there, she’d pull the other man into a lavender scented hug and tell him in her accent that she had missed seeing him around.  “She’s good.” He shrugged his shoulders. Sebastian wasn’t about to get into any of the messy details of how their relationship had become fucked up since Blaine was in his kitchen baking Christmas cookies with her. He loved his mother, she was his closest confidant. But he had messed up so many times in the past few years that she had developed little worry lines in her beautiful forehead, sounded sad on the phone with him more often than not, cried for him and begged him to slow down.  

Sebastian heard the door slide open, saw Hunter and David appear with drinks behind Blaine. “Fucking finally.” He held out his hand for his drink. “Took you long enough. We could use the pick me up, couldn’t we, B?”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine tried to smile, but it came out more as a wince.”Yeah, I guess you’re right.” In reality Blaine knew it was relatively easy to avoid someone when you knew they lived around you. Blaine would often find himself checking in on Hunter’s Instagram or Facebook or Twitter to see if he was in town. Hunter was much more active on socials and would often post some of the places he and Sebastian would frequent. Blaine knew places to avoid in Manhattan for the most part. Plus, it wasn’t like Blaine had spent his first years here going out and about by himself all the time. No, that was difficult when where you went and what you did was mostly dictated by someone else. When you mostly only did things that they wanted to do.

“Hey, Brooklyn isn’t so bad. I’ve been working at a local coffee shop and a bar there for the last few months and it’s been pretty therapeutic. And sure, the apartment is shitty, but it beats the overpriced ritzy places in Manhattan.” He rolled his eyes, trying to come across as playful. His apartment in Manhattan had actually been incredible. Just not the people he had to share it with. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to forgive Rachel for denying what was happening right in front of her. He cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the thought before he was engulfed in more anxiety about it.  “Besides, I lived in Manhattan for the first three years I lived here, so there was always the chance we could have run into each other then. Guess fate wasn’t having it.”

Beautiful men and parties. Of course Blaine knew Sebastian did that sort of thing. He did that sort of thing when he was fifteen. But, he could feel that this was meant to sting him a little and if not, it stung anyway. He didn’t like thinking about Sebastian with random men every weekend, but he wasn’t stupid. Not about this anyway. And Sebastian had never been shy about his sex life. It didn't matter if he already knew though, he could feel his face fall at the confirmation, could feel the sudden stricken look and did his best to cover it up. He bit his lip and forced himself to nod. “It’s good that you’re keeping busy. I’m happy the city has been good to you.” the words tasted rotten on his tongue and where the hell were Hunter and David?

Blaine noted the way Sebastian’s face fell at the mention of Sabine and knew that he’d messed up by asking. Blaine had been incredibly fond of her, he found her glamorous and lovely and admired the way she loved Sebastian so much. But Seb’s short answer and stiff shrug made Blaine wonder if maybe she hated him now, too. Hated him for hurting her son even though Blaine hadn’t wanted to.  He wouldn’t blame her. He still hated himself for it. “I’m glad to hear that.” The words felt hollow even though they were true.

David waited until Blaine could see him before he nudged him and handed him his drink. The cup was full and Blaine had to fight the urge to down it in one go.He shouldn’t be drinking anything at all. It would work against his medicine and probably make him sick but he couldn’t find it in him to care as he took a gulp like the whisky was water. Yeah, Seb had been right, the pick me up was needed. He smiled and thanked David for the drink, his friend asking if he was cool before he moved to lean against the railing on the balcony with Hunter. The two of them were turned toward each other and seemed to be picking up their earlier conversation which left him alone with Sebastian again.

He turned towards his old friend- friend? Lover? God, what even was Sebastian to him? Neither word seemed good enough. He lifted his cup for another drink, his eyes catching on Seb’s cheek again. The cigarette ash was still there. Still kissing Seb’s cheekbone and Blaine opened his mouth to tell him about it when the sounds of thousands of people started counting from the streets below joined by the crowd in the apartment. He froze, the voices blending like a choir in perfect harmony.

They had gotten to from eight to five and Blaine shot Hunter and David a look because why didn’t they tell them what time it was? Blaine had been hoping to excuse himself before midnight, was hoping to have himself hidden away in the bathroom so he didn’t have to hug a bunch of strangers or have someone kiss his cheek and he didn’t have to pretend he was excited for the new year. But, here he was, standing not even three feet from Sebastian Smythe and he didn’t know what to do.  4-3-2… and suddenly there were fireworks bursting overhead, it was a new year and there was confetti billowing in the winter night to the melancholy tune of Auld Lang Syne as it rang out. Snowflakes danced  in the air while the people below kissed and laughed like they'd never feel sorrow again. He wished he could relate.

Sebastian's POV:

Sebastian’s stomach fell, fell through the apartment building floors, the butterflies gone.  Guess fate wasn’t having it. His mouth stiffened and he took a sharp breath. He wanted to pinch the bridge of his nose, a nervous tick of his when he got frustrated. Sebastian fought against his own body, the acidic sick feeling in his stomach, the jittery adrenaline running through his veins, the trapped 16 year old in his brain yelling and screaming and begging Blaine to just fucking take him back. Just tell me you miss me, please. I miss you. I feel like you hate me and that makes me hate myself. “It was fate, sure.”  Sebastian’s voice was dry and he fought the urge to laugh. You know that maniacal laughter when everything is just too much and your lungs feel like they might explode and your skin is burning and all you want to do is scream and laugh and tell everybody to just fuck off? “I guess fate has never favored me.”

He was so over this small talk. He was disgusted by the reactions happening under his skin that nobody but him could feel. Blaine was Sebastian’s first and only heartbreak. He was disgusted by how sprung he still was, had lied to himself and told himself that he was over it. Sebastian had never been over it and that realization was so embarrassing that he could hardly stand himself and he wanted to tear himself out of his skin. Most of the words Blaine was saying were just floating over his head at this point, he was so disappointed with the direction of this meeting. Sometimes when Sebastian got drunk or sad or high enough he would let himself imagine reuniting with Blaine. That Blaine would tell him he missed him and Sebastian would say that he loved him and they’d patch each other’s wounds and kiss in pools and hold hands in parks and share french fries and Blaine would tackle him in his mother’s backyard and kiss him all over his face, his neck and they’d laugh until their stomachs hurt again.

Sebastian took a much needed swig of his vodka cranberry that Hunter had made a little too weak and rolled his eyes to himself. Of course Hunter wouldn’t make him a strong drink. He was probably too worried about him. It didn’t matter, Sebastian already planned on ditching the party for a bar anyway.  Suddenly, the world seemed to explode into noise. Sebastian could hear the countdown echoing all around them. Hunter and David distracted and cheering, clapping each other on the back. The people inside of the apartment wrapped in the golden glow of Christmas lights left up from the days before, some of them were kissing strangers or old lovers, shaking hands and hugging and laughing. A few of the party goers exploded onto the balcony in a burst of noisemakers and music but Sebastian felt like he was alone, just staring at Blaine as he awkwardly clasped his plastic cup. He felt like he was stuck in the worst snow globe ever produced. Such a sad scene; two damaged boys too afraid to fix anything surrounded by kissing strangers and dirty snow and cheering partiers. They say that the people you’re with at midnight on New Year’s eve were who you would spend your year with. The thought made Sebastian feel so alone because he didn’t really feel like Blaine was really there.

In the back of his head, where he kept his most guarded secrets, Sebastian knew he would give anything to be wrapped in the warmth of Blaine, the glow of cheap lights on their skin, kissing the taste of New Year’s champagne away. 

  The words were out of his lips before he could stop them. Sebastian knew his eyes looked pained, and that his flirty voice didn’t match his sad but eager body language. 

“You don’t wanna kiss me, B?”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine’s body tensed even more at Sebastian’s words. He knew Sebastian didn’t believe in fate or any of that sort of thing, but the way he said seemed so sad. No Seb, I’m the one that fate doesn’t favor. I’m the fuck up and the reason we’re in this awkward, forced conversation. I’m the reason you’re making yourself stand out here in the cold that you hate so much. You’ve never liked it, only tolerated it for me. Blaine used to love the wintertime, it was magical and it made him feel so full of wonder but he’d lost so much during the winter that the magic had turned harsh and had made him bitter towards the season. No, it wasn’t Seb’s fault or fate’s. It was all his. Why were they doing this? Sebastian hated small talk. He’d always hated the way people scrambled for answers to questions he didn’t give a shit about.

It’s my fault you’re out here, making yourself do things you don’t like doing in the first place. I’m always making you do that. Pushing you out of your comfort zone... Always making you feel and hurt and god, you should hate me. The only thing you ever did wrong was let someone like me see how good you are. You wasted it on me.  The words were there, threatening to push past his teeth. He could remember the hurt, no the heart wrenching look on Sebastian’s face when he’d broke it off with him. It didn’t matter why he did it. But he would face a thousand insults and bruises every single day again over seeing that face ever again. He ignored the little voice that sounded a lot like Sam, telling him that he had been forced to face that anyway. A voice sounding like his own told him he must've deserved it.

You don’t wanna kiss me, B?”

Hunter and David were suddenly paying very close attention to the two of them now. And the words sent  a spike through his heart and at first he thought he might have been being cruel. Taunting him, and turning what they had into some mockery, but  the tone didn’t match his face. Seb’s eyes were full of a pain that Blaine knew well, and his face was eager and open and Blaine could, for just a moment, read him like a book. God, how much are you hurting, Seb? And for a second Blaine ached to just pull him into his arms and hold him close. To reassure him that their time together was so much more than just a fling. That he had loved him wholly and completely and still did. He wanted to kiss his face and tell him that he was so fucking sorry for how it ended and that he deserved the world. He wanted to tell him that even when he had gotten trapped by Kurt and manipulated into a three year relationship of insecurities, and head games that he was unable to dig himself out of, he'd thought about Sebastian. Seb wouldn’t have done those things to Blaine.

What I wouldn’t give to turn back our timeline and keep you with me. Make you feel all the love and attention I have for you. I’d make you see that you deserved all of it and none of the bullshit I did. I’d let you help me though what I lost and I wouldn’t have pushed you away, no matter how much it hurt to bring you down with me.

Still the words were locked in his brain, he couldn’t say them. He didn’t deserve that peace of mind. Telling him how much he missed the summer nights and autumn weekends and winter touches wouldn’t do shit. The damage to them and then to Blaine had already been done. Blaine had started it and then Kurt had seen to the rest. He’d messed Blaine’s mind up completely and manipulated him into thinking he wasn’t good enough for anyone. Therapy only went so far and even Blaine knew that if he wasn’t so stupid he would have left Kurt before it got as bad as it did. And then maybe he’d have found a way back to Sebastian and begged him to give him another chance. But Blaine had been stupid and and wanting to tell Sebastian all of this stuff was unfair to the other man because even if Seb gave him a chance Blaine was so fucked up he wasn’t sure he knew how to do any of it anymore. Nor did he deserve the chance. His hands had gone clammy in his gloves thinking about his relationship with Kurt and he wanted to scream. The cheering and the music and the blood rushing in his ears was all too much.

Maybe Blaine was wrong and he was misreading everything. Maybe Sebastian wasn’t hurting and was only being polite to him because he felt sorry for him. Maybe someone had told him about the last few years of his pathetic life and Seb was taking pity on him. Maybe he and Hunter would go home later and laugh at him. He swallowed hard, biting into his lip hard enough to feel the pain, his breathing picking up as he really looked at Sebastian. No, Blaine wasn’t wrong. Sebastian was hurting, the pain was truly written all over his face. In the way he stood, in the way he tried too hard to sound casual. He didn’t need to try, casual was as easy for Sebastian Smythe as breathing. This was different. The man in front of him was feeling some of the same things as him and it made Blaine feel even worse about himself.

He wanted to run, he wanted to scream but most of all he wanted to walk over and kiss Sebastian. The words had left him with an even bigger ache than he had when he’d first spotted him that night and if he didn’t leave soon he’d embarrass himself not only in front of Sebastian but in front of the rest of his old friends. Some legend, huh? He took a deep breath and lifted his cup to his lips and finished his drink, trying to figure out how he could leave. But, as he was setting the empty cup on the ground and his feet were instantaneously carrying him towards the taller man and his fingers were shedding his gloves. And while Blaine knew he couldn’t kiss him, he wasn’t brave enough nor was it fair to Sebastian, he knew that he needed to at least touch him. Show him that he missed him and that he was happy- or as happy as he could feel right now, to see him.

He tucked his gloves into his coat pocket and stepped up to his person. His eyes were level with Seb’s shoulders and he couldn’t bring himself to look up for a moment. Finally, after what felt like hours but had probably only been seconds, Blaine lifted his eyes to meet Sebastian’s. The other man seemed frozen in time. Blaine’s left hand, shaky and freezing, came up to rest against the side of his face, his thumb softly brushing the little flecks of ash that had made a home on Seb’s cheek away. How easy this felt to him. Standing here with Sebastian’s snow cold face in his hands. It felt so good and Blaine’s lips twitched into an almost smile… And what was he doing?  All at once Blaine was overwhelmed. His breath hitched and his eyes were suddenly blurred either from the cold or tears either way it made him drop his hand and shake his head.

“I- I- fuck, um, you just h-had something…” He lifted his hands to show that Seb had something on his face but it seemed silly now and he shook his head, frustrated that he couldn’t get the words out. “I’m sorry. I should go. I have to work in the morning.” A lie. He ducked his head, feeling his anxiety overtake him and why he hadn't brought anything to calm himself down? He looked up, but not into Seb’s eyes, his arms wrapping around himself as he felt like a deer in the headlights. He nodded a goodbye to Hunter and shook his head at David. “I’m good David, I can get an Uber. Stay and have fun, okay?” He turned, head dipped and looked up at Seb through his lashes so that the other man couldn’t really see his face properly. “It was good to see you, Seb, I really hope you have a good night.” He swallowed hard and nodded, as if that would prove he meant it. “Happy New Year.”

Blaine turned on his heel and before David or anyone else could stop him he made his way into the crowded party. He kept his head ducked, bee lining it toward the front door, hoping to god that no one noticed him. He managed to avoid everyone’s hands but not their eyes as his name was called out over the music a few times by random voices, he nodded politely but didn’t stop. He hoped they’d understand and even if they didn’t it didn’t matter. It’d be months before they reached out to him again. The elevator was muggy as he rode down, which made the cold air that hit his heated face seem even more cold when he stepped out of the building.  There was already a text from David asking if he was okay, and Nick had sent a series of question marks. Blaine ignored them, his eyes blurry as he pulled up the Uber app and tipsily tried to type the address of the party into his phone.

Breathe in and back out again, Blaine. Count to ten. You’ve got this.

It wouldn’t be until he was home an hour later, tucked into his creaky bed and numb with a dose of sleepiness via an Ambien bottle and the whisky from the party that he’d allow himself to really feel the events of the night as the emotion and pills pulled him into sleep. His eyes would be red and his head would be pounding in the morning.

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian knew it was cliche but to him it suddenly felt like the world had stopped. Blaine was moving towards him, he was taking his gloves off, reaching for him. The snow fell slowly, slowly, slowly and his music-worn hand was on his cheek. He knew those hands so well once upon a time, knew the calluses at his fingertips, had felt them drag across his belly underneath his tee shirt, felt them on his lips. He blinked and stood silently as Blaine’s thumb wiped at a spot on his cold cheek. Sebastian became aware of Hunter and David watching, he could feel the hush that fell over their conversation. He wondered if Hunter regretted begging him to come. Hunter had stood by on the sidelines when the two of them were involved, and had tried to pick up the pieces at their abrupt end. Hunter got to, once again, witness Sebastian’s downfall.

Just as fast as Blaine’s rough hand cradled his cheek, it dropped back to his side and Sebastian felt colder than he had all evening. “Thanks for that.” He muttered the words mostly to himself as he rubbed his own hand over the spot. “Same to you.” Sebastian watched as Blaine hurried through the party. He noticed that he didn’t stop to say goodbye to anybody. Blaine had changed a lot in the past few years, that was for sure. Sebastian never thought he’d witness Blaine shy away from attention or the chance to work a room with his bright smile and easy going charm. 

Sebastian decided that he had had enough of the party and the reunions and took off as Hunter tried to walk over. His friend was talking but Sebastian had ignored him with a hand up in the air. Sebastian weaved through the bodies inside of the apartment and ignored everybody that called out to him, though it was only a few people since most knew better. He could feel Hunter following but didn’t turn around, instead he chose to basically throw himself down the stairs and run into a cab that was waiting for somebody else. Sebastian was faster than Hunter, he could lose him. He shoved a fifty towards the driver and gave him the address of a random club he knew he could score boys and free drinks and drugs at, “and hurry.” 

He lit a cigarette outside of the club and exhaled into the bitter air. He shoved his free hand in his pocket and let the nicotine wash over his nerves. Sebastian could hear the bass from the club reverberate through the air around him. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t going to scream or send any shitty messages. He was going to finish this cigarette, get some guy to buy him a few rounds, maybe do a few lines in the bathroom, dance until his thighs burned in a wash of colorful lights, and end up in the bed of a guy with dark hair but not the right eyes. 

/fin.

[bluepenguinstories]

Happiness Overload Epilogue II

There was an abundance of color which burned through me. Weary, I looked up and saw the clouds in the sky, a gentle chill ran over me. To think that the outside world could be beautiful, I never would have imagined before. It made tears well up, and for once, it felt good to let them out.

“Do I belong here? Is it right? I don’t know, but I’m glad to be back,” those words sounded strange aloud. As if spoken by someone with a little more life in them. It wasn’t that I was in denial, it was just surreal to me to feel such things and allow myself to enjoy them.

As I began to pick myself up, I realized where I was: that same rooftop where I fought with that woman named Rhea. That stung, the memory resurfaced, and although she was not in front of me, for a second, I thought I could see her corpse.

“I’m sorry. I wish we could have met under different circumstances,” I took a deep breath and picked myself up off the concrete surface. “It would bring me just a little bit of joy if I could set some flowers down here.” Of course, none came. That was just something I would have to get used to.

Near me was the door down, into the building, and back onto the street. When I went to turn the handle, the door turned out to be locked. Foolishness and frustration, I continued to try to open it. I knew what excited me wasn’t up here, but no matter the use, I could not open the door. That was another thing I would have to get used to.

So for the moment, I slid down and sat. How I got back home in the first place was nothing short of a miracle, or a wild coincidence that I had to suspend my disbelief for. In short, all that happened was that I found a Time Cube inside a desk drawer. It took some tinkering with, and even then, I wasn’t sure how I managed what with my mental state, but it looked like it worked.

Not long after I had sat and tried to recall how I made it back, the door opened behind me: it was a security guard. Afraid, I told him that I didn’t know how I got there, but I found myself locked out. Yes, it was a flimsy excuse, but maybe the guard felt sympathetic, or just didn’t care.

“Just try not to wander too far off next time,” was all the guard said in response. I nodded, then made my way back down. “Oh, and you should be careful. We found a dead body lying here just a few days ago.”

In shock, I turned around. “Did you happen to catch what happened?”

“No, that’s the weird thing. I was off that day, but apparently the footage feed that day was having technical issues, otherwise it would’ve caught whatever happened.”

“That’s scary. I just hope no one else was hurt.”

“By the looks of things, it was self-inflicted. There were weapons at the scene, but from what I heard, only her fingerprints were found. I also heard no one could identify her, so she’s been marked a Jane Doe. Strange case all around. Funny thing, too, we had this whole area blocked off until just yesterday.”

It must have been due to the entity that I wasn’t caught on camera. As an institution, I despised his presence, but I was just glad to be out of there. Down each flight of stairs I went, with hurried steps, while others in their offices paid no mind to my presence. Once I was out of the building and into the streets, I became overwhelmed.

The crowds, the noise, the sea of buildings. It was too much to take in at once. I heard too much, I saw too much, and it left me in a panic.

It’s okay. You’re not too far from home.

Was what I told myself, but I didn’t even know whether or not it would work out. Rather, it was just the one goal I had and the one tool at my grasp to manage the sensory overload.

Familiar apartment complex, familiar feeling. Hesitation all over me, just like last time.

Still, I repeated the same action and knocked on the door.

What if she doesn’t live here anymore? Or I ended up in the wrong universe by mistake and she doesn’t know me? Damn it, I’m so scared. Have I always had such levels of anxiety? Is it just exclusive to this one situation? Maybe I shouldn’t be here after all. What if she hates me? No, she doesn’t. Or won’t. But maybe she should. No. Stop that. Haven’t I learned anything? I’m at least going to give this a try.

The door slid open.

She was right in front of me. It was her.

“I recognize that knock anywhere,” was the first thing she said, before the door was even fully open. Wow. She’s got me right down to how I knock, huh?

There we were. Face-to-face. I was about ready to break down then and there. I looked down, my lips quivering, and watched as her expression turned from a dull one to one of excitement; eyes widening, lips spreading to a smile.

“Hey, I know you!” She beamed.

I felt incapable of saying anything in response, even though I wanted to.

“So, uh, did you,” was she stumbling on the words too? “Did you figure anything out while you were away?”

I wanted to nod my head, say yes, but all I did instead was continue to look down. When I tried to speak, all that came out was a whimper.

“This is a bit awkward,” she sounded nervous as well. “I mean, you’ve probably been through a lot, so it would probably be bad to say that I kind of just assumed you’d be back sooner or later, wouldn’t it?”

I took a step forward, dived in, and hugged her tight. I didn’t even realize that it had turned into a tackle before it was too late.

“Hey, hey! Watch out!”

We both fell over onto the floor.

I remained on top of her, my head buried in her shoulder as I began to break down in tears.

“There goes my spine,” she croaked. “Can I move my arms? Nope. Too tight.”

I continued to sob, my face pressed against her neck. She reached a hand up and stroked my hair.

Liar. You said you couldn’t move your arms!

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. I missed you too.”

For whatever reason, hearing that just made me cry more. She continued to stroke my hair. I didn’t know whether or not it was okay, but I began kissing her cheek.

“Aw, she’s kinda cute. Can we keep her?”

“She’s not a dog. You’re married to her,” I heard Trent say.

“Wait, really?” She acted confused.

“That’s it. I’m outta here,” I leaned up and saw him walk out the door. “No, but really. I got work. So, see you two later. Unless some other crazy shit happens.”

I got off of her and sat up. As I tried to wipe my face, I managed to finally speak.

“After last time, I didn’t think I would come back. I wasn’t even sure if I should. For a long time, I just thought it was an act. I told myself I didn’t care what happened to us because I didn’t think there was anything that could be done. To know I once told myself such things, it hurts to think about. That I left last time and I thought I had done too much damage. I didn’t think myself worthy. I –” I stopped myself. I was getting too worked up.

“It’s okay. Didn’t I tell you that last time? It’s okay if you’re not okay, so,” it looked like her eyes were getting misty. “I wasn’t okay. I know you said that you hoped there was some universe where both of us were happy, but I was still worried about the you that I know. That’s why I kept hoping the whole time you were gone that you would be safe. It looks like it reached you,” she laughed, even while a couple drops of tears ran down her face as well.

“I’m sorry. I know myself a whole lot better, but it still doesn’t change the past.”

“I know. But I think it’s better than thinking you’re no longer you,” she gave a little laugh again, then pointed at my arm. “Oh hey, cool bracelet! Did you get that at a gift shop or something?”

Right! The bracelet! I forgot all about that, being so caught up in the moment.

“Um, actually...maybe I should tell you everything that happened while I was away…”

“Sure! But first, grilled cheese! I haven’t had breakfast all day and you’re probably hungry, too!” She got up to head to the kitchen.

“Wait!” I reached my hand out. “Shouldn’t I do that?”

“Why? You’ve probably been through a lot, and they’re easy to make, anyway.”

“Because! Um...someone told me to!”

“Well screw that person.”

I felt like hitting my head against something. Couldn’t I have come up with a better excuse? I had missed her so much and yet I was letting her do everything. Well, it wasn’t like I hated it…

Once she came back with a plate of grilled cheese sandwiches for me, we moved to the couch and sat next to each other. I told her all the different things I experienced and the people I met. I prefaced with “okay, but it might be hard to believe,” and she sat and listened until I was done.

“Wow, you’re right. If not for all the crazy stuff like time-travel, weird stalker mercenaries, and monster girls, I wouldn’t believe you. Oh! By the way, can you still turn into a monster girl?”

“No.”

“Aw! That’s it. I wanna break up.”

I balked. “Come on!”

At least I could tell she wasn’t being serious.

“Still, to think there’s another me out there. I mean, makes sense, right? But still wild to think about. It’s kind of a relief, though. That she’s like that.”

“Yeah, and she figured it out, too. That was something else.”

“Of course. I’m more surprised no one else did. You sure did drop a lotta hints.”

I let out a heavy sigh.

“I guess I’ve become easy to read now.”

“You’ve always been the type to wear your emotions on your sleeve, or at least to me. I’m glad you’re no longer trying to hide it.”

I sniffled. “Thank you.”

We kissed, then I said, “I’m glad to be back, but I think I need some rest.”

“Of course,” she nodded. “I hope you rest well.”

Later in the afternoon, not yet evening, Trent came back. He was only on break, but he came back to get some stuff from home. I tried to fill him in real quick.

“You know, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’m gonna miss all the crazy stuff surrounding her. It’s gonna feel real normal now.”

“Oh. Hm. Yeah. You’re right,” I got out my phone and started clicking.

“What are you doing?”

“Hiring a clown to come over and scare us.”

“Okay, that’s it,” he tried to grab my phone from me.

“Nooo!” I wrested it away.

Yeah, maybe it would be a little quieter and less dangerous, but that didn’t sound so bad.

In the bed, I was curled up, equal measure smiling, and in tears. It was just an expression of joy, even if it still felt intense.

“I can’t believe it...I’ve found home…”

The tears soaked the pillow, but soon, my eyes closed, and I was able to drift off to sleep. I knew it would still be difficult, now that I was much more emotional, but I felt like with time, I could manage, and find greater joy from it.

[cookieswriting]

Brother (SEAL Team)

So I’ve been on a huge NEEDTOBREATHE kick since seeing their acoustic concert last weekend, and their song Brother has been one of the ones playing on repeat.  It made me think of SEAL Team, of Clay and the way he’s been abandoned by everyone outside of Bravo.  So this is a series of snippets of the team reminding him that the Brotherhood will never abandon him set to the lyrics of aforementioned amazing song.

Ramblers in the wilderness we can’t find what we need We get a little restless from the searching Get a little worn down in between Like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes Everybody needs someone beside em’ shining like a lighthouse from the sea

Jason glanced up when he entered the cages, surprised to see that he’d been beaten there by the youngest team member.  Clay seemed to be rearranging his cage, tucking clothes away on his shelves.  “Morning, Spenser...early start, yeah?”

The way he startled rose alarms in Jason’s mind; SEALs weren’t exactly the easiest types to surprise.  Sure, it was early in the morning, but he knew Clay had a consistent routine in the morning that would have him awake and alert.  Taking a closer look, Jason noticed the kid’s hammock hooked to the corner of his cage.  Clay turned, saw the direction of his gaze, and sidestepped in front of it.  “Y-yeah...I-uh…”

“Did you sleep here?”  Clay didn’t answer, instead running his hand through his hair nervously.  “Is there something going on with your apartment? You could’ve given me a call, man…”  He knew it was more than that if the younger man was so...jumpy, but he knew he was missing something.

Hesitant blue eyes studied him for a moment before Clay seemed to decide to open up about what was on his mind.  “Nah, man, I just...I ran into Stella before we spun up and my apartment was just too quiet last night, ya know?”

“Ouch,” the team leader hissed, understanding the notion all too well.  “How was seeing her again?”

Clay shrugged, squaring away the last of his things.  “Not really sure yet, to be honest.  I think that’s why I just came here last night...here seems to be the one place where things make sense right now.”  He sent Jason a wry smile.  “I’ll figure it out.”

As the blonde passed, Jason settled a hand on his shoulder to stop him.  “If you need to talk through anything, you know where I am, Kid.”  Clay nodded, and Jason allowed him to continue on to the gym.

Brother, let me be your shelter Never leave you all alone I can be the one you call When you’re low Brother, let me be your fortress When the night winds are driving on Be the one to light the way Bring you home

“Hey Spense, man got a sec?” Ray called as he approached his teammate, passing Sonny and Davis as they left the table to dance.  Clay gestured to the seat Sonny had just abandoned with an easy smile and took a long drink from his beer.  Ray hated the thought that he might erase that contentment from his brother.  “I, uh...I ran into Stella at the store, found out she’s living in town now.”

Clay dropped his chin to his chest with a sigh before looking back up, and Ray was able to see that he’d already known.  “Yeah...I ran into her myself, right before we spun up last week.  Thanks for giving me the heads up, though.”

“I didn’t want to have to tell you, but I’d rather that than you get blindsided if I could’ve helped it.”  It was the thought, right?  “How are you doing with that?”

Clay shrugged, drew another pull of beer, and this time his smile was not quite so genuine.  “It caught me off-guard when I first saw her, haven’t really felt right at my apartment since, but I’m figuring it out.  I stopped going to our usual spots and haven’t run into her yet, so it’ll be what it’ll be I guess.”

Ray didn’t like the thought of Clay being so disoriented by the fact that he now had to worry about running into Stella.  “You know our couch is-”

“Clay! Hey, kiddo, thought I might catch you here!”

The voice that interrupted them had Clay rolling his eyes, and the heavy hand that came down on his shoulder had the blonde flinching.  Ray tensed and rose to his feet, eyes shifting to the elder Spenser.  “We haven’t met, Ashland...but your reputation certainly precedes you.  Senior Chief Ray Perry,” he supplied, though he didn’t move when Ash offered a hand to shake.  “Might I offer a word of advice?”  Still somewhat oblivious to the fact that the man before him was not being friendly, Ash nodded, only mildly put off by Ray’s stoicism.  “You’d be wise to leave now, before the rest of the team realizes that you’re here.  None of us trust you, and believe me when I tell you that I am the most level-headed when alcohol is involved.  And trust me...there has been plenty of it tonight.”

The elder Spenser floundered for a moment, looking to Clay and finding his son staring down at his beer.  Ray crossed his arms over his chest and raised an expectant brow, eyes leaving Ash only long enough to locate the rest of the team.  With a disbelieving huff, Ash raised his hands in surrender and was gone.  Clay finally looked up to meet his 2IC’s gaze, and Ray found himself tempted to follow Ash out into the night for the vulnerability in his blue eyes.  They nodded wordlessly to one another, and Ray tapped his beer bottle lightly against his younger teammate’s.

Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were Now my hands can’t reach that far I ain’t made for a rivalry I could never take the world alone I know that in my weakness I am strong, but It’s your love that brings me home

“Spenser, if you don’t stop squirming I’m going to friggin’ sedate you,” Trent growled as he pinned his injured teammate’s shoulder down, using the move to immobilize and apply pressure simultaneously.  “They’ve got the situation under control, which they would’ve been able to do in another couple of minutes if you hadn’t gone all self-sacrifice and gotten yourself shot!”

“There were-”

“They’ve got every exit covered, kid. Hey, Clay, look at me.”  The medic waited until the younger man complied.  “Stand down, let me patch you up.”  The command finally seemed to sink in, and Trent eased up on his grip so that he could focus on tending to the through-and-through in Clay’s shoulder.  “What the hell were you thinking, exposing yourself like that?”

He wasn’t really expecting a reply, but the one he got spoke volumes - both in his words and tone.  “Couldn’t get a warning out fast enough, and better me than any one of you,” Clay muttered, finally allowing his head to drop back to the ground with a thunk.  Trent’s hands stilled for a moment until blue eyes gazed up at him.

“Okay, I’m going to say this once, and you’re going to listen, got it?” Trent had to take a slow breath to ease his simmering anger.  “If I ever hear that ‘better me than you’ bullshit again, I will kick your ass and then let Sonny take the second shot.  You are not expendable, Clay.”

The younger man hissed through his teeth when Trent was somewhat rougher than necessary.  “Tell that - easy, Trent! - tell that to my father…” Clay pounded his clenched fist against the ground as the medic applied a bandage over the front and tugged his shoulder to access the exit wound.  He tried to feel bad about causing his teammate pain, but Trent couldn’t help the anger coming through.

“I’d like to think you recognize that your father is an ass.  Did you ever stop to think what your little act of self sacrifice would do to your team? Your brothers?” Clay stared up at him, guilt and a touch of grief shining in his eyes.  He knew the younger man was likely remembering the feeling of almost losing Sonny.  Good, maybe he’d finally get it.  “You’re not just a member of some team, Spense.  We are a family.  We need each other, out here and at home.  So like I said,” he set a gloved hand against the side of Clay’s neck.  “You’re not expendable, brother.”  

Clay nodded solemnly, and Trent got back to work as the sound of their brothers wrapping up the firefight and calling for their status reached them.  

Brother, let me be your shelter Never leave you all alone I can be the one you call When you’re low Brother, let me be your fortress When the night winds are driving on Be the one to light the way Bring you home

Brock followed his dog out into the cool night, and smiled wryly when he saw where Cerberus ended up.  Clay started scratching behind the dog’s ear without looking away from the fire. His arm was still secure in its sling, something that surprised the canine handler; he’d given Trent a hard time on the flight home about making him wear the sling, so all of Bravo had been on alert to make him put it back on if they caught him without it.  Jason had restricted Clay to base while he healed, though Brock got the impression that it wasn’t much of an imposition.

“Finding the answers to life in that fire, Spense?”

“Somethin’ like that,” Clay murmured.  

Brock dropped into the seat next to his teammate and stared into the fire, giving him a moment before speaking again.  “So what’s the fire telling you tonight?”

The blonde sighed before answering.  “That maybe I’m not meant to be a SEAL and have love.”  Brock finally turned and looked at him, confused.  Clay ran a hand through his hair.  “I ran into Stella.  Seeing her just...brought things into perspective I guess.  Reminded me that nothing mattered more than the team.”

“You don’t think we are capable of having both?” Not that Brock could argue much, considering he hadn’t had a serious relationship since Green Team...but he also wasn’t looking for one.  With Stella, Clay had seemed like he’d have stuck it out.

“I mean look at our team.  Ray’s the only one capable of holding down a family...and that’s because his wife is a damn superhero.  I guess...I guess it’s just got me wondering if being a SEAL dooms us to a life of broken relationship and loneliness.”

Brock studied Clay’s face, unable to discern exactly where his thoughts were taking him.  “If it does...the team still worth it?”

“Always,” Spenser answered firmly, finally seeming to snap out of his trance.  “Like I said, seeing Stella brought that into focus for me.  You guys are my family, and she wasn’t prepared to come second. Who’s to say that’s not how it’ll always be?”

“I dunno, brother...but I can promise you that you’ll never be without family.  Might get lonely when we’re home sometimes, but you can always call me, Sonny, Trent…”  Clay grinned over at him, and Brock glared when the blonde reached for the strap of his sling.  “Oh ho ho, no you don’t pretty boy.  I am your brother and you know I’ve always got your back, but don’t think for a second I won’t rat you out to Trent if you take that thing off.”

And when you call and need me near Sayin' where'd you go? Brother, I'm right here And on those days when the sky begins to fall You're the blood of my blood We can get through it all

“Has anyone seen Spenser? He hasn’t responded to my texts or answered my calls all morning,” Jason called as he entered the gym where the rest of the team - minus their youngest - was working out.  They all glanced at one another, stopped what they were doing and collectively shook their heads.

“What’s up, Jase?” Ray questioned.

“Another late night interview with Ash last night about a last minute addition that he’s putting into his book before it gets released...he talked about the Korea fiasco.  Never outright names Clay, but…”

“But it’s enough to implicate him for sharing top secret information about a highly classified mission...son of a bitch!” Sonny punched the bag in front of him as hard as he could, not nearly satisfied by the hit thanks to the cushioning of his gloves.  “I’ll fucking kill him with my bare hands if I ever see that asshole.  What is Blackburn saying?”

“Blackburn is too busy hunting down the real leak to say much.  Just that we need to keep an eye on Clay, preferably on base so that he’s not blindsided if they decide they want him in custody before this blows up.  So we need to track him down, make sure he’s okay, and bring him here.  We’ll stay with him as long as we can.  I’m heading to his apartment now.”  The defeated tone of their leader’s voice only fueled Sonny’s rage, and he tore his gloves off and left them on the floor.

“Whoever finds him, text the rest of us.  I’ll look here on base.”  Sonny didn’t bother waiting to hear where the others were headed; knowing Clay, he’d be somewhere alone...but he wouldn’t risk the Navy thinking he’d taken off and making his situation even worse.  The kid was somewhere within the confines of the base.

Sonny wasn’t entirely surprised to find the young SEAL on the barracks roof, and he was just glad that the kid was far from the edge.  “You looking to put a hole in the ceiling? Cause I’m pretty sure you’ve already worn that patch down pretty well, Goldilocks.”

Clay barely glanced up at him, shaking his head and clenching his fists repeatedly as he paced.  The energy reminded him of a caged animal.  “Not now, Quinn,” he growled.  Fitting.  Sonny discreetly pulled out his phone to let Jason know the kid was safe.

“Exactly now, Spenser.  You’ve got the whole team out lookin’ for you.”  

He scoffed, but finally stopped to face his teammate head-on.  “Wouldn’t exactly be smart of me to look like I went AWOL right about now, would it?”  Clay gripped his hair and leaned back against the wall.  “Sonny, I didn’t-”

“Brother, if you finish that sentence, I will knock you out.  Didn’t think you’d been the blabbermouth before, sure as hell don’t think it now.”  He watched the younger man drop his head back against the bricks, and wished that he could wring elder Spenser’s neck in that moment.  Before Clay could smack his head against the wall, Sonny reached forward and grabbed his shoulders.  “We know you didn’t do this, Clay.”

“Tell that to the cake-eaters who are probably ready for my head on a pike...he set me up perfectly.”  Blue eyes reflected desperation and panic.  “First he sets it up to meet publicly when the interviews break about the Saudi mission.  Not supposed to be public knowledge, but not a big enough deal for them to do anything about it.  Enough to connect me to the bastard’s book.  Then...then when he comes out with the info about the Korea mission, they’ve already got me in the back of their minds.  So of course they’re going to look to me.  Of course I’d gloat about my missions to the father I could never please.  Of course…” His breath hitched, and tears filled his eyes.  Sonny moved his hands to either side of Clay’s face.

“This isn’t on you, Clay.  Which means it is on someone else, and believe me when I tell you we will not rest until we find the son of a bitch.  Bravo isn’t going to let this go down without a fight.”

Clay gripped Sonny’s wrists tightly, breaths becoming short and erratic.  “And if you can’t find them?  Sonny...when we almost lost you on that mission...I-I don’t think I’d ever been so scared.  You were right...this team, this brotherhood is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  I’d been toying with the idea of giving it up for someone who wasn’t even prepared to stand by me...and now? Now I’m going to lose it anyway for something I didn’t even do.  For...for what, Son? What the hell did I do to Ash that he’s willing to get me thrown in Leavenworth?”  A tear slid down his cheek as he rambled, and Sonny tugged him forward to press their foreheads together.

“Breathe, Clay.  Your father is not your family.  We are your family.  He’s a fucking worthless piece of shit who is not going to win, do you hear me?  Family doesn’t do what he’s done...family protects one another, come what may.  We will not let you fall, brother.”  Sonny didn’t let the younger man go until he’d taken a few shuddering breaths and nodded his understanding.

Brother, let me be your shelter Never leave you all alone I can be the one you call When you’re feelin' low Brother, let me be your fortress When the night winds are driving on Be the one to light the way Bring you home

The court martial hearing was something of a blur to Clay.  After his conversation on the roof with Sonny, it hadn’t taken long for him to be taken into custody by the MP’s.  His entire team had been with him, sitting outside of their cages as they’d told Blackburn they would be.  They were sharing beers and swapping stories, waiting out what they all knew would be inevitable.  

His brothers rose with him when the time came, silently supporting him the only way they could.  Their commander and Ellis had been MIA at the time, and it wasn’t until the trial a week later that he understood why; with his brothers and members of support, Alpha and Charlie standing for him, Commander Blackburn presented evidence of the true leak.  A member of their support team embittered by what he considered to be the glory that the Operators stole from them.  

Clay was floored, overwhelmed with relief and gratitude for the men and women standing on his behalf.  He’d had plenty of time during his week detained in Norfolk to think about what his team meant to him; to see the same dedication reflected in the eyes of said team, particularly considering the absence of his own father, brought into sharp focus just how much he’d come to rely on this brotherhood.  To be the light in the midst of storms, the fortress around him both in combat and in life...to bring him home.

[nancydrewrings]

Every Nancy Drew game puzzle-leaver ranked from worst to best.

I was thinking about the ranking of ND suspects by @aniceworld (if you haven’t seen it then go check it out because it’s the best) and felt inspired to do something similar.

Methodology: I included characters who left us puzzles to solve. I judged STFD, CRE, VEN, TOT, and ASH as not having characters who met those criteria. CAR was the only game with two. I lumped all the Penvellyns together because ain’t nobody got time for that. If I forgot anyone, let me know. All rankings are personal taste.

28. J.J. Thompson (FIN) Does he count? Between fucking over Louisa Falcone and betting against Harry Houdini pulling off a trick, ol’ J.J. just can’t overcome his P.T.-Barnum-knockoff origin story.

27. ??? (CAP) To be honest, I spent this whole game trying to figure out how I could break up with Ned and ask Frank out, so I don’t remember who put the puzzles here. They were stupid, though.

26. Ezra Wickford (TRT) You can’t just adopt a kid and then disown him if he has behavioral problems. And I frankly don’t believe your claim that you invented chocolate milk. Enjoy your hidden sadness shrines, you sack of shit.

25. Lizzie Applegate (MHM) I guess I’m just not sure why she left the treasure in the floor instead of using it at any point. Sorry your outlaw husband ditched you, though. Dirk Valentine would never do a thing like that.

24. Trapper Dan (ICE) Apparently Lizzie Applegate is the one who told Dan to riddle the Lodge with puzzles: a pointless callback in an overwhelmingly frustrating game.

23. El Toro (RAN) The hourglass puzzle makes me cry, but he deliberately died in a ridiculous position so his corpse could trigger a booby trap, which I respect.

22. King Pacal (SSH) The scribe’s desiccated corpse has haunted my dreams for years, so while I appreciate Pacal’s level of loopholed pettiness, I hate him.

21. Ramses II (TMB) I’m not particularly impressed by anything Ramses set up to guard Nefertari’s tomb, but at least his actions were justified in-character, and I minored in classical civilizations so he gets an automatic bonus for Ancient Egypt.

20. Rita Hallowell (WAC) Her motivations are unclear at best, but she gains rank for clearly being an emo lesbian cat lady.

19. Kasumi Shimizu (SAW) Maybe just tell your daughters that they can leave the family business instead of making them solve a nonogram to find out. No wonder your family fell apart.

18. Kate Drew (SPY) Many parts of this game are beautifully, emotionally moving, but up until the new engine fuckery, Nancy’s mom being a spy was the dumbest idea HER has had since RAN.

17. Rolfe Kessler (CAR) I’m sorry that neither your wife nor your era could handle your mental illness.

16. The Forgery Ring (LIE) I love the culprit in this game, but everyone’s first clue that they weren’t a real theater troupe should’ve been their requirement to solve complex puzzles to do a goddamn set change. Hire a prop manager to keep all those dumb pieces in order.

15. Charlotte Thornton (GTH) The audacity of entrusting a vital clue to finding her will to an approximately five-year-old child just proves that Charlotte was not fit to run the family business. It’s hard to like her when all she does is murder me while I am actively avenging her.

14. Jin Soo Seung (MED) I don’t know how or why Sonny’s grandpa hid these artifact pieces all over this specific area of New Zealand. Unfortunately, I am one of those people who loves Sonny Joon enough to put up with a fair amount of bullshit.

13. Captain Lawrence (SEA) Like the Penvellyns, it is amazing that his treasure-hiding gambit was even marginally successful. However, that skeleton hands post helps him skate all the way to spot #13 on my list.

12. Brendan Malloy (HAU) His double-agent scientist backstory is the only redeeming thing about this absurd game.

11. Noisette Tornade (DAN) Great name, cool job, noble deeds, but did you need to lock me in the basement after I went to all the trouble of solving your encrypted clues?

10. Jake Rogers (SCK) Jake Rogers decided to be a blackmail kingpin at the age of 17. Minus points for being skeevy about Connie (her secret is that she can beat the shit out of you, dude, please have more foresight), props for sheer ballsiness. Is he the one who left all the weird rhyming clues everywhere in SCK1? Because if so he would shoot up at least five spots.

9. Penvellyn Family (CUR) Props for dedicating their lives to continuing this convoluted, pointless gambit. It’s just impressive none of them fucked it up over the last few centuries. However: if the point was for your family members to solve an elaborate series of puzzles to find the treasure, why trap them in a box to suffocate at the end?

8. Darryl Trent (CAR) He clearly made a lot of poor decisions in his life, but leaving his daughter a baffling robot to remember him by makes up for most of them.

7. Jake Hurley (TRN) I need a private sadness train with a mystical gemstone contraption, like, yesterday.

6. Bruno Bolet (CRY) What a fucking weirdo. If it weren’t for the crystal skull thing he might rank higher, because all of his other obsessions are positively delightful.

5. Josiah Crowley (CLK) I have a bunch of nerdy internet friends who use nicknames for each other, so I appreciate his group of radio Mechanicals. Also disguising yourself in drag to mess with your friends and neighbors is hilarious. Truly a man ahead of his time.

4. Niko Jovic (DED) Turns out that he was kind of an asshole, but I’ve got to love him for the steampunk lair he built under a privately-owned facility.

3. Dirk Valentine (SHA) If I were Frances Humber, I would’ve left Shadow Ranch the day after I met Dirk and had like eleven outlaw babies with this king of romance.

2. Hilda Swenson (DDI) When I’m a bored widow, I hope I become so disillusioned with the rest of the world that I fuck off and force anyone who wants to talk to me to solve a bunch of puzzles I scattered around my old town.

1. Mickey Malone (DOG) All I aspire to be is a 1920s gangster who owns a private speakeasy under my cabin in the woods and hangs out with my four giant dogs whom I adore.

[allthecoolboysaredead]

Leopold “Butters” Patrick Stotch Bio + Tags + Headcanons

Name: Leopold Patrick Stotch Nicknames: Butters Age: 21; Can Change Birthday: September 11th Sign: Virgo Gender: Intersex, Partial Androgen Sensitivity Syndrome Pronouns: He/Him Sexuality: Homosexual Biromantic Monogamous; Moderately Sexual Hair: Naturally Blond Eyes: Right Eye Cerulean, Left Eye Powder Blue Skin: Lightly Tanned Height: 5′1″ Weight: 136 lbs Faceclaim: Ross Lynch Piercings: Both Nipples, Gauges in both ears Tattoos: None Scars: Over his left eye, his stomach, and around his chest

Alignment: Chaotic Good Religion: Raised Roman Catholic, Questioning Allegiance: Stan’s Gang, Chaos, Professor Disarray, The Melvins

Family: Stephen Stotch (Father; Alive), Linda Stotch (Mother; Alive), Nellie Stotch (Aunt; Alive), Budd Stotch (Uncle; Alive), Grandma Stotch (Grandma; Deceased)

Pets: Hammy the Teddy Bear Hamster

Personality: Gullible, Easily Influenced, Positive, Optimistic, Loving, Scapegoat, Sweet, Temperamental, Attention Starved, Overly Affectionate, Flip-Flopper, Terrified of his father, Struggles with guilt, Naive, Exaggerates, Mock Innocent

Likes: Candy, Friendship, Hamsters, Rodents, The Wind, Kites, Eating People, Hello Kitty, Cute Clothes, Crafts, Singing, Writing, Making Believe, Dancing

Dislikes: Negativity, Misunderstandings, His Parents, Horror Movies, FPS Games, Most Leafy Greens, Driving, Smoking, Being Bullied, His Scars, Bitter Things

Can Do: Drive, Advanced Math, Cartography, Remember Small Details, Cook, Butcher People, Hide His Killings

Can’t Do: Write Poetry, Go Out Most Of The Time, Drink Alcohol, Eat Spicy Foods, Stomach Regular Meat, Draw Well

Mental Health Diagnosis:

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: Butters is terrified of most things, of getting things wrong, and he constantly fears that everything is his fault, one way or another.

Paranoia: Everything makes him fearful and worried, and he obviously is scared of doing anything at all that could make him get into trouble.

Physical Health Diagnosis:

Autocannibalism: Butters will chew his lips/the inside of his cheeks/his fingers and nails and swallow it. He does this mostly when he is nervous or bored.

Chronic Cystitis: Considering his father often doesn’t even let him leave his bedroom to pee when he is grounded, he often gets bladder infections from holding it too much. He has found ways to use things as a bathroom, of course, but it doesn’t stop him from having frequent bladder infections.

Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome: Born with a severe case, Butters was almost found to be female from the initial view of his genitals. However, later it was discovered that he had the internal workings of a male, which prompted doctors to have his family work with him to get treatment. However, his parents neglected it, and his body began to manage itself on its own, leaving him somewhat androgynous, leaning towards female in appearance.

Fears: His Father, Being Grounded, Getting Caught, Being Eaten Alive

Positive Traits: Gentle, Loving, Willing To Help, Selfless

Negative Traits: Gullible, Can be hateful, Cannibal, Deceptive, Manipulative

Quirks: Plays innocent to get his way; Talks to animals more than people; Loves rodents; Almost always wears yoga pants

Tends To: Knock his knuckles together when nervous; Not make eye contact; Drink lots of juice; Jump at the slightest of sounds

History: Butters was born with the short end of the stick in many cases. His neglectful parents, his genetic disorder, among other things, separated him from the rest of society. His naivete and desire to be liked by anyone often influenced him to do stupid things, or believe the wrong people.

After becoming Marjorine and returning home ‘from the dead’, his parents kept him in the basement for two months, feeding him people. His desperation eventually turned him to feeding from them, and eventually he decided he liked it. He kept his cannibalism a secret for an awful long time, but he eventually couldn’t hide it. He was very good at butchering people in order to feed, hiding the transients he took in the basement. His parents never knew, and he was careful to keep his hunger a secret from them. His father became suspicious when he began sneaking out, and he often found himself grounded through middle and high school. It hurt his self esteem and his need to escape for a long time, until he finally couldn’t take it anymore.

Nobody is totally sure what happened to his father, but his disappearance sparked a sudden, very terrible investigation. Butters was never implicated, so used to acting innocent that it was like a second skin to him.

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Tags List - Personal

I’d Rather Be A Crying Pussy (Butters) I’m Going To Get Grounded Anyway I Might As Well! (Butters’ IC Posts) Hello Kitty Underwear (Butters’ Closet) Gotta Collect It All! (Butters’ Stuff) All I Ever Wanted Was The World (Butters’ Desires) Tin Foil Hats (Butters’ Aesthetic) No Minions Kill Them (Hammy Tag) If Only Sheep Could Put Me To Sleep (Butters’ Music) Here Comes A Thought (Butters Musings) Sunshine And Gummy Bears (Butters Headcanons)

Tags List - With X - Canon

I Can’t Believe She’s A Vampire (Butters And Annie Barlett) Beauty Can Be A Beast (Butters And Bebe Stevens) Ladies Don’t Start Fights But They Can Finish Them (Butters And Bloodrayne) You’re Perfectly Normal The Way You Are (Butters And Bradley) Mintberry Crunch! (Butters And Bradley Biggle) I Fucking Hate Guard Dogs! (Butters And Christophe “The Mole” DeLorne) Taco King (Butters And Clyde Donovan) If Things Would Be Boring I’d Be Soooo Happy (Butters And Craig Tucker) Weekend Satanists (Butters And Damien Thorn) A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing Is More Than A Warning (Butters And Eric Cartman) Go Straight To Heck (Butters And Gary Harrison) Too Smart To Tie His Own Shoes (Butters And Gregory) She’s The Walmart Version Of You (Butters And Heidi Turner) Big Girl You Are Beautiful (Butters And Henriette Biggle) Genius In Canadian Clothing (Butters And Ike Broflovski) The Bard (Butters And Jimmy Valmer) A Rose Blooming From Mud (Butters And Karen McCormick) I Will Buy You A New Life (Butters And Kenny McCormick) Sticks And Stones (Butters And Kevin McCormick) The Mom Friend (Butters And Kyle Broflovski) Sweet As Sugar (Butters And Larry) Ads Are People Too! (Butters And Leslie Meyers) Gimme Gimme Bloodshed (Butters And Michael) I Want To Be Like You (Butters And Mike Makowski) A Loveable Giant (Butters And Mimsy) I Wear My Sunglasses At Night (Butters And Nathan) For A Makeover Call (Butters And Nichole Daniels) Too Pretty To Be Evil (Butters And Pete) Every Rose Has It’s Thorns (Butters And Red Tucker) You Can’t Sit With Us (Butters And Ryan Ellis) Oddballs (Butters And Scott Tenorman) It Was A Past Life (Butters And Stan Marsh) Left Stains On My Sheets And Stains On My Soul (Butters And Stuart McCormick) Livin’ A Lie (Butters And Timmy Burch) He Plays Bass (Butters And Token Black) I Don’t Want To Die! (Butters And Trent Boyett) We Blonds Must Stick Together (Butters And Tweek Tweak) Smart And Strong (Butters And Wendy Testaburger)

Tags List - With X - OC

None At This Time

Tags List - With X - Crossover

The Meek Will Get What’s Coming To Them (With Eddie Kaspbrak) A Little Crazy Is OK As Long As Nobody Says Any Dirty Words (With Jerome Valeska)

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Verses - In-World

A Liquid Dream (Elementary Verse)

Butters started off as a sweet, gullible child. He did things to help, and often fell victim to Eric Cartman’s pranks. He became aggressive, after some time, and eventually blew up the gymnasium and even went on an anti-woman rampage. He eventually petered out back into his old persona, sweet and innocent, but with a temper unmatched by most.

Kids With Guns (Middle School Verse)

Starting off middle school quiet and reserved, Butters’ groundings were becoming even longer, even harder. He had a bad habit of biting his nails, and would chew on his fingers until they bled. Most of the time, he didn’t talk to other students, afraid his father would find out and give him a worse punishment. He excelled in social studies and math, though he had to repeat his English course once. *Note: Beyond this is triggery, and also combined with my Tweek. It will be ignored if rping with another Tweek.* When he was 11, Tweek invited him to his house for a sleepover. Tweek’s dad touched both of them and made him kiss the other. They don’t talk about it, but they are very close friends, now.

I Wish I Could Have Been A Teen Idle (High School Verse)

Every day seemed to bring another grounding. His parents thought it would keep him away from parties, and that was their main goal. For some reason, they only entrusted him to Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick, otherwise, he was confined to his room. He began tutoring in math and social studies in order to get out of the house more, and his father barely let him do that. Occasionally he would sneak out in order to spend time with his friends, coming out of his shell once more when he was with them.

Studious (College Verse)

Having finally escaped his family to go to a medical college in Denver, Butters felt freedom for the first time. Which meant that he overdid it a lot, and was back to his innocent ways. A lot of the time, people could convince him to do whatever they wanted.

Had To Catch A Ride With A Man Who’s Deranged (Runaway Verse)

Butters ran away from home at fifteen, needing to escape the constant abuse. He ended up in a boys’ home in San Francisco, a runaway without a home or a name, and grew into himself as time went on. When he returned to South Park, he was very different.

He’s Going To Strip For Attention (Stripper!Butters Verse)

Denied attention from his parents, and often grounded, Butters found freedom in being an adult. He rented a small apartment downtown, shitty as it was, and began work at the Peppermint Hippo. He worked drag nights as well as regular, and went by the name Marjorine.

No Ray Of Sunlight’s Ever Lost (Teacher Verse)

Butters went on to become a teacher fresh out of college, devoting himself to his Kindergarten class. He often spends more time and money working on things for his kids than he needs to, but he loves them all like they were his own. 

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AU Verses

Sweet As Sin (ABO AU)

Born a male Omega, Butters was shunned by his parents and left to walk the streets of South Park. He joined a Rut Helpline and helps talk Alphas through their ruts.

Blood For Blood (Deadman Wonderland AU)

Butters’ Branch Of Sin burns through his veins when he uses it. He calls it the Claws Of The Peregrine, and can use it to have almost claw-like blades on any part of his body. He was brought to Deadman Wonderland for killing his parents in a fit of desperation.

Nobody Would Suspect That Behind This Sweet Face I Want To Destroy You All (Demon!Butters AU)

A demon of envy, Butters takes pride in messing with people and leading them to believe that he is innocent and sweet. He takes lives when he wants, but most often is found toying in people’s affairs.

Feast not on the flesh; consume only the blood. This is our strength. (Fallout AU)

Butters turned to the Family when he accidentally killed and ate his parents in a violent attack in Rivet City. He left to escape being killed, and finally found his place in the world. He looks up to Vance like a father figure.

What To Do When You Are Dead (Ghost!Butters AU)

Dying in his room was the first thing that he remembered. He didn’t feel like he belonged there, but always returned when he was tired. His room was turned into an office and his mother became an alcoholic. His father blamed himself. They saw his ghost often but nobody believed them.

Mermaid Melody (Mer!Butters AU)

Butters is a lionfish with albinism, and is blind on land. He cannot see when he comes on land to sing and draw people to him to feed. He enjoys taking down ships and sending them along as ghosts of their former selves.

All Will Fall To Me! (Fractured But Whole AU)

Professor Chaos wanted desperately to take over the city. He needed to be in control, he needed to be loved or feared or hated, any kind of attention was good attention.

The Ungroundable (North Park AU)

Butters is hateful and cruel to others, though he is passive and soft to some people. His parents hate him but fear him at the same time.

I Got Your Back (Stick Of Truth AU)

Butters was a human Paladin, charged with protecting Princess Kenny or Dovahkiin. He loves his job and his friends, even if he grew weary of Eric’s deeds and Clyde’s transformation.

Say Goodbye To The Sun (Vampire!Butters AU)

Bitten by a vampire during a school trip to New Orleans, Butters was never the same again. Learning to be a vampire on his own proved to be difficult, so he sought out the South Park Vampire Society to try and help him learn.

Cannibals! (Wendigo!Butters AU)

It was painful when he was dropped down an old mine shaft and left for dead. It nearly killed him, but he found himself capable of eating Dougie, since he had died when they fell. It turned him into a Wendigo, and he prowls the mountains for food, now, constantly ravenous.

It’s Too Late To Switch Back (Werewolf!Butters AU)

Butters was bitten by a rabid dog one night, walking home from the library. He hid the wound from his parents, and eventually found that he was a werewolf. It was odd and scary at first, but he took it as a new freedom.

Invisible To The World (X-Men AU)

Butters was born with the ability to become invisible and to move through solid objects. It made his groundings easier to escape, and eventually led to him running away from home to an academy for mutants. His parents had always hated him for his powers, and he found camaraderie and kindness there.

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Shipping

None At This Time

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Open Starters

None At This Time

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Headcanon Posts

* ( positive personality   traits!

Physical Traits Of Your Muse

Detailed Profile Tag

Bold Your Muse’s Aesthetic (Spooky Edition)

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Faceclaim - Ross Lynch

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Art By Me

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Pets

Hammy is a Syrian Short Haired Teddy Bear hamster. He is Butters’ best friend, and he pampers him as much as he can.

[residentgrandpa]

AAW Homecoming 2017 Preview

Over the past year or two, AAW has evolved into the much praised, highly toutable "super indy," a concept Ring of Honor was founded upon in 2002 and a tradition kept alive to this day by places like PWG. Whatever your name for it is, the talent collected here by one company under one roof for one night only is staggering, with three or four of these matches being main events in any building in the country. On an independent scale, of course.

The Berwyn Eagles Club sold out in advance of this show, as it is wont to do two or three times a year, and that adds to my excitement. The last show there, Jim Lynam Memorial Tournament Night 2, was my favorite AAW show of the year, and one of my favorite indy shows ever, period. The atmosphere is more intimate and personable than it is at Bourbon Street, and you can tell why the wrestlers and fans alike love being there. There is magic to that building, and Friday's card looks to add to it.

Nine matches are scheduled, and I am previewing them all. I'll give you all a little highlight of the participants in the matches, followed by my take on how the match will be and/or who I think will come out victorious. Sound fair? Let's crack into it.

...

The match: Scarlet & Graves (Dezmond Xavier and Zachary Wentz) vs. Besties in the World (Davey Vega and Mat Fitchett), AAW Tag Team Championship Tournament Semi-Final Match 1

The skinny: Xavier and Wentz are a newer team among AAW's tag division, which has gone through a rough patch as of late with Andrew Everett's injury. Together, they are Scarlet & Graves, a high-flying duo that could pass for buddy cops if they weren't in their ring gear (and that's why I love them), and hopefully the future AAW Tag Team Champions. They face former champions Vega and Fitchett, who are looking to regain the face they lost in recent months, as well as the spoils of their wars, the championship titles.

My take: The Besties are looking about done, in my eyes, so those sweet varsity jackets' days are numbered (don't tell them I said that). I'm taking Dez and Wentz in this one, because both young fellas seem like great flagbearers for the division and the company going forward. I also wouldn't mind seeing Fitchett split off as a singles competitor hereafter.

The match: OI4K vs. Best Friends, AAW Tag Team Championship Tournament Semi-Final Match 2

The skinny: With their place already cemented in AAW lore, the Killers are starting to blow up on a far grander scale. With a second appearance confirmed for PWG the night after Homecoming, and a huge WrestleMania weekend ahead of them, it'd be easy to take OI4K here. But Best Friends have clout too, and look to use it against the Crists, Dave and Jake. Will the former AAW Tag Team Champions OI4K move one step closer to reclaiming the gold? Will Chuck Taylor and Trent? hug their way to a number one contendership?

My take: This one should be fun, if not funny. I don't mind goofball antics as long as they're coming from the Best Friends, and if the equally hilarious Crist brothers can get into it with them? I'll take that bit of comedy over a Cabana match any day of the week, and twice on St. Patrick's Day. But it's because of that silliness that I see the more straight-laced OI4K scooping up the W here and moving onto the finals of the mini-tournament.

The match: Drew Galloway vs. Zema Ion

The skinny: Drew is "pulling a 'Drew'" and making a name for himself outside WWE, inside AAW. Zema Ion is back in the company and has quickly found himself on the good end of some competition. As far as mismatches are concerned, this is one of them. Galloway is 6'5, 256, while Ion is significantly smaller, so the story of this one is already laid out. Can the diminutive Zema Ion tackle the Goliath that is Drew Galloway? Or will Zema be quick and easy work for the great Scot, who looks to reclaim a top spot in AAW?

My take: Don't sleep on DJZ. (DJ horn noise) I think these two could have a good match, all told. It doesn't look like much on paper, but it will look pretty good in the coming months if either of these guys remains on as a regular, especially for the underrated Zema. Galloway has to win this to remain a top dog, though, so that's my pick. It should be short (7 minutes is fine) and fun, and that's all I expect from it.

The match: Shane Strickland vs. AR Fox

The skinny: Both lads star on Lucha Underground -- Strickland as Killshot, AR Fox as Dante Fox. This will be Strickland's AAW debut, and the "Swerve" hopes to topple one of the roster's more seasoned high-flyers, AR Fox. But it won't be an easy task as Fox, the former Heritage Champion, knows the Berwyn Eagles Club just about as well as anyone, including how to navigate those low ceilings, giving him the distinct advantage. Strickland will have to impress if he wants to kill the Fox in this one.

My take: Strickland is coming off an impressive match at Wrestle Circus with Dezmond Xavier and Rey Fenix, and Fox is of that same caliber, so I expect big things from this one. Fox always brings it to AAW, and while Berwyn isn't exactly the best building for what these two have to offer, I nonetheless see this being good to great.

The match: Abyss vs. Homicide

The skinny: Abyss is a grisly monster from the land of Impact, and Homicide's been there too, and in general, these two have been all over the place. Here, they land for a match in AAW that should satisfy the "plunder and crowd brawl" requisite the company keeps on its monthly ledger. Expect chairs, some guard rail stuff, maybe some barbed wire and thumb tacks. Also expect either of these men to offend somebody (or somebodies) in the audience with their sheer, unrepentant vulgarity. Par for the course for a match like this.

My take: I have no interest in this match beyond seeing a car wreck. If it delivers that, at the least, then I will consider it a thumbs up.

The match: Trevor Lee vs. Rey Fenix

The skinny: Trevor Lee, independent scene version, is a hard-working ring general who's known for his lengthy matches in the Carolinas. Trevor Lee, AAW version, is a dorky goof who dances to Taylor Swift during his entrance, and often calls for a dance contest in the middle of his matches. Rey Fenix, both indy scene and AAW version, is a kick-ass luchador that probably should be champion sometime before the year is out. That considered, this is a test for Lee, who was recently stripped of the Tag Team Championships he held with partner and fellow Impact Wrestling star Andrew Everett. Can Lee focus and put together a compelling match against one of the indies' workhorses?

My take: God, I hate Lee's shtick in AAW. If he can work this match without any clown antics, just putting on a nice match with what should be an easy enough guy to work with, I will be happy. I don't need anything breathtaking, but I do need to see a serious Trevor Lee. If not for my sake, if not for the fans' sake, then for the sake of Rey Fenix, who brings it 100 percent every show. Hopefully Lee scales up here rather than Fenix scaling down.

The match: Penta El 0M vs. ACH (C), AAW Heritage Championship Match

The skinny: This match was supposed to happen two weeks ago, but Penta had to call off due to visa issues, so it's happening now. ACH is putting his prized Heritage Championship on the line, and Penta is looking to add to his collection of AAW gold, which already includes a Heavyweight Championship reign. A quick pace might be the key to this contest. ACH has all but ditched his flying efforts, but in its stead are mat skills that are much improved from his time in Ring of Honor. Penta, meanwhile, is as devastating as ever.

My take: If there is anybody worthy of carrying the Heritage Championship not named ACH, it is Penta El 0M. He makes the shows and the crowds love him, and there is a contingent of the fan base that pays exclusively to see him (and the other luchadors). Having him win the title in Berwyn would be a smart move, Berwyn being densely Latino and all, but I see ACH retaining here. Then again...

The match: Kyle O'Reilly vs. Zack Sabre, Jr.

The skinny: O'Reilly is making his return to AAW after months in purgatory, and ZSJ is back in Chicago for the first time since November. The latter has collected a mess of gold since then, while Kyle is looking to reclaim what once was rightfully his. With a victory, he surely goes to the top of the pecking order -- ditto Zack. Basically, a well-disguised number one contender's match, if you think of it that way. Expect technical savvy and mat prowess, counters upon counters, as well as a few stiff strikes.

My take: Chances are, if you bought a ticket, it was because of this match. Upon announcement, tickets started selling before finally selling out on Wednesday. Safe to say people want to see this match, and I am among them. Depending on how long Kyle is back for, I can only see him winning if he's back long-term, and right now, I don't see that as the case. Zack picks up the win here, probably with a penalty kick so Kyle doesn't have to tap in front of what's become one of his home audiences.

The match: Low-Ki vs. Sami Callihan (c), AAW Heavyweight Championship

The skinny: These two had an epic encounter back in 2010, but it's been 6+ years. Low-Ki's slowed down and now he cosplays the Hitman, while Sami is re-energized and in the prime of his career. A different story to be told here, for sure. The title's also on the line, as Ki has strung together some victories, including last month against El Hijo del Fantasma (King Cuerno on Lucha Underground). Will Sami's second reign as AAW Champ come to a close? Does Low-Ki find the perfect belt to pair with that suit? Does anybody get knocked the F out?

My take: Don't expect a mirror of their JAPW match here, as AAW is Sami's house and getting slapped around like that would not be a good look. I foresee a hard-hitting affair nonetheless, with Callihan coming out on top. Fans won't like it, myself included -- based more on my dislike for Sami than my enjoyment of Ki -- but the man is dedicated to the company, so he's going to hold that damn belt for the immediate future. Who else right now is championship material and also shows up every month, now twice a month? Not Low-Ki.

...

Overall, this looks like AAW's show of the year, though it's obviously a little too early to say that. But run this supercard against anything else on the American independents and this will rank right up there. To be honest, it looks just as good as PWG the next night, and that's a shoot.

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