#totally not self projecting on Beetle

[kathrinesnow]

Project Master Post: DEFUSE

DEFUSE follows an alien research crew on-route to attend to a terraforming experiment located in an uninhabited asteroid ring at the far edge of their galaxy. The trouble starts when their mostly-automated ship begins breaking down in strange and increasingly worse ways. The tiny crew finds themselves spread far too thin. Accusations of incompetence turn to suspicion of malice as the crew races to find and solve the root issue. Because if they don't, they'll be stranded on a crumbling ship light years away from a populated planet.

This is gunna be a zany, scifi, whodunit thriller with themes of teamwork, companionship, grace (or lack thereof ) under pressure, self-awareness, and responsibility. It's been in the think-tank for about three years at this point? Finally, finally I've gathered all the bits I need to draft properly. Currently at: 10,000 words-ish.

Characters

Rain: Captain of the ship. Experienced pilot, though this is her first run as captain with this specific employer and her first trip on this ship.

Steve: First/second mate. He has both of those position on previous trips, but this is the first time he's held both at the same time (a testament to how lightly crewed this ship is).

Slime: Third mate and ship’s doctor. Usually a not a ship doctor, but attended this mission due to Rain and Dr. Leafare, who’s species both have unique physiology most doctors would struggle to handle By far the oldest member of the crew, and one of the first of his species to be accepted into formal schooling of any kind and enter the workforce, though many followed after him.

Eyes: A skilled communications and software technician with many years and many flights under his belt. He’s considered one of the best in his field.

Moth: He started as a custodian and picked up skill after skill through his years on the job until he’s the best jack of all trades the company who sent them has. He probably has the most away from port time out of all of them.

Beetle: A masters engineer student. Top of his class and on his third or fourth trip on a ship. Has a deep understanding of all the physical systems on this specific ship, backed with the most up to date book knowledge and a chunk of practical experience to back it up. Hand-picked for this mission, because he was the most knowledgeable “jr crew member” available and an immaculate match for such a low-handed ship.

Dr. Leafare: The scientist who will maintain the research project when they arrive. She specializes is botany. She is the first totally independent generation of her specific verity of mutated human (called human-adjacent). While she doesn’t have crew experience, this is not her first deep-space expedition. She is one of the top names in her field or research.

Snek: A very good boy.

[hawkepockets]

tarakk’s SOMEWHAT expanded intro post 👇

L: Tarakk with goggles on. R: Hawkk & Tarakk.

Tarakk (he/him)

Pepa’s bf, Ankka & Gorrik’s old mentor, harb. Co-created with @antariies.

🕷️ Tarakk is an accomplished toxinologist—not to be confused with a toxicologist, who studies & treats the affects of poisons on the body; he studies the chemical makeup & biological production of venoms, and synthesizes his own. His favorite specimen is, controversially, a Risen spider. (Though he’s always wanted to meet a Canthan blossom spinner!)

🕷️ Formerly a Synergetics professor, and the college’s arachnology lab sponsor. Gorrik had a campus job there, and quickly became Tarakk’s mentee & favorite student. He knew Gorrik was alone except for Blish, and when Gorrik dropped out to join the Inquest, Tarakk also resigned and went with him, hoping he could protect his protege from the Inquest’s ugliness.

🕷️ Tarakk got his own toxinology lab, two brilliant assistants (Gorrik & Ankka), and near infinite resources. Life was good until his Inquest overseer passed along a commission order from “B” (Scarlet), for a toxin that was both injectable & aersolizable, and would cause rapid, painful death in all 5 major races. Tarakk was excited by the challenge, but hesitant—who would need this? Why would anyone want it to exist?

🕷️ Tarakk sabotaged the project, synthesizing a toxin that did what B wanted, but would only cause living death symptoms in its victims, putting them to sleep and suppressing vital signs & life force. Ankka, afraid his tampering would get her and Gorrik executed along with him, reported him to their overseer.

🕷️ The Bioweapons Department overseer was a brutal company man by the name of Hawkk (@antariies). Far from wanting to see Tarakk fail, Hawkk was more than a little bit in love with the enthusiastic & long-eared older asura. (Tarakk had been totally open to a relationship and flirted openly with Hawkk, but Hawkk’s devotion to Inquest krewe policy kept him from even indulging in fantasies about fraternization with underlings! Mostly.) This made Tarakk’s betrayal of the Inquest sting twice as venomously. Hawkk wasn’t just frustrated that the product was defective, or terrified of telling “B” the deal was off. He was inflamed by hurt.

🕷️ During the toxin’s final demonstration, Tarakk was “accidentally” locked inside the test chamber instead of his test subject, and despite Ankka & Gorrik’s frantic efforts neither the door release nor the poison ampule would respond. Tarakk was overdosed with his own formula, and went through days of coma, then sleep paralysis and bone-deep cold. It was Hawkk, of course, who hit the button, and he never forgave himself.

🕷️ When he recovered, Tarakk was slow moving, narcoleptic, and couldn’t shake off the chill. Strong emotions make him fall asleep, and he has attacks of aches, shivers, and fatigue. He can’t see his own life force, but to other necros & druids it appears dim. He’s forever at half HP. To cope with the symptoms, with Gorrik’s help, he built himself a backpiece with spiderlike metal limbs that helped him move around the lab and would lose hydraulic pressure and curl around him defensively if he fell asleep. He was even more absentminded, workaholic, and vague than he had been in Synergetics. He needed to reminded over and over and physically nudged to look up from his work, eat, and sleep (which he did under his desk) and became more of a lab mascot & liability than a mentor to Gorrik and Ankka.

🕷️ They packed him up with the lab equipment and brought him along to Thaumanova, and Gorrik later took him to Sandswept Isles.

🕷️ When the Inquest lab was self-destructing, Gorrik went back in a panic to find Tarakk and drag him along to safety. Despite DW’s reservations about what looked like a shameless veteran Inquest scientist, he was allowed to come along, and earned his place in the guild when he developed a new toxin, based on his research for “B,” that put plague scarab beetles into hibernation, allowing them to be removed from human victims and saving thousands of lives in Kourna.

🕷️ Tarakk is still not lucid or mobile 100% of the time, but Pepa will tell you he’s a genius of their time.

🕷️ The intersection of dad jokes & professor humor is catastrophic.

[violence-as-a-love-language]

Tell us about one of your ocs! Maybe a basic outline of their plot or the setting!

Sure!!

So my main projects at the moment is Below, a horror webcomic in the planning stage currently. It stars Aspen, a Longhorn Beetle with perpetual anxiety and fire powers; Roxanne, a shy jumping spider with self taught magic abilities (very wizard coded); Jovita, a maned wolf with a cocky attitude and way too many guns; Helios, a self proclaimed Himbo Ox Beetle with enough love in his heart for everyone; and Fennic, a genderqueer Hoary Bat with a love for parties and general debauchery.

Unfortunately for them, the small town they live in is about to be hit with a new wave of "monsters," the same thing that happens every 20 years to this town. And they just happen to be chosen to fight them. There's totally no other reason or hidden agendas.

I love all of them but Roxanne is my favorite (despite not being the central protagonist lol). Shes such a sweetheart who is terrified of being seen as scary, so she makes herself as meek and approachable as possible, suppressing any other emotions to keep herself nice and polite. Its devastating, really, that she feels she has to be this way to be accepted at all. My heart hurts for her.

I love Helios too, because out of everyone, hes the only one who doesn't know either magic or monsters exist! Jovita and Fennic have been fighting monsters together for a while now, and Roxanne and Aspen are both painfully aware of magic, but Helios is just...completely ignorant about either. He just thinks all these folks are weird but sweet enough, so he humors them (for now).

Some various art of them below the cut!

Some Fennic sketches (still settling on zir design)

Roxanne has the most nailed down design out of all of them, probably cause i love spiders so much

Some various Aspen idea sketches (with extra Roxanne). The boxed look is probably not staying, but this is my current art for him.

Unfortunetly, I have no art for either Helios of Jovita yet, but I can say that Jovita wears a leather jacket and sunglasses almost always, even indoors, and Helios is a tanktop and shorts kind of guy. Also athletic and fat.

[terrifickid]

Quite the Odyssey...

Well that's why I love impermanent constructions so very much. You will be surprised.

I think what happened was:

I let everything grow. This created a great environment for beetles to eat the trees, then I filled the lot with wood, then the trees were stressed and slowly died but there was still a lot of moisture. And way more moisture entering the adobe. This created like a batsignal for termites. The house was falling down because for some complex reason the interplay between the impermeable plaster, adobe and environment exchange created a tendency for structural de-cohesion at the base of the walls which exponentially accelerated into structural collapse. Not even to mention the laboratory nature of the space fueled by a limitless concentrated energy surplus administrated by a psychotic in its singular intent to destroy the fabric of reality. These sudden changes to the environment disrupted the nesting places of the black widow spiders where I put my hand in for some reason in the ceiling and one bit me.

The neurotoxin, intense stress of the home disruption, covid-19, business collapse, chronic life long stress, latent schizophrenia, group gang-stalking, and early severe childhood abuse along with chronic heavy cannabis use, and long term isolation - within a unlimited dopamine seeking lifestyle of radical experimentation, caffine and ancient consciousness developing practices combined with my near total undisciplined and unguided habits of sedentary, habitual neglect and worry mentation as I suicidally entered into a maelstrom of hail-mary-esqe maneuvers to at any and all costs mentally comprehend the experiences of my undiagnosed lifelong schizophrenia- created back-pain, dietary problems, issues with focus and somewhat of a puzzle to sort out.

So I can definitely see the ethos of archivists who's philosophy is just to avoid introducing change.

But radical self expression requires a different approach.

Is this ok?

Ya.

Because we've discovered a few things:

- The natural purpose of psychosis as a survival adaptation.

- The habitus which is a continuation of family karma as a survival adaptation.

- The inherent evolutionary process of the becoming of the life force.

- The governing of the universal principals of relationship

- The mysterious unknowability of the product of that process of synthesis

- The necessity of the minutiae of that process as computational requirement to derive that product.

- the separation of measurement and measured - mind vs. no mind.

And thusly, we have attained some bearing on the validity of these various ideologies, strategies and what not along with some framework to grapple with the hallucinatory nature of the human experience.

So, to the meaning of, 'is this not all good?'.

I suppose, it too is an irrelevant hallucinatory folly of subtextual assumptive predictions.

Or so it would seem?

So I think foremost the aesthetic consequences are astounding. This method informs a reasonable balance between form and function. Primarily it retains a 'fresh' look that is immune to 'dated haircut syndrome'.

Secondarily, it explains the falsifiable horror of global society as a so called 'toxic relationship'.

I think this also reveals the unresolvable dilemma between the validity of authentic present moment and also it as a passing psychotic delusion.

This was discovered in considering the correct nature of the final design of the dojo after moving out of a reactionary survival crisis scenario.

So I don't see what much progress could be made without that groundwork done upfront.

I do see a reasonable phase process of how this could be achieved and that it under any circumstances must be achieved so I think the dojo project is still viable.

The elimination of wood as a possible material seems unfortunately sensible. I do think cement board then should suffice but I don't know what I could use for framing for the aluminum panel exterior shell shield.

Next my heat shield roofing design would be difficult to audit for termite or water damage. So this will have to utilize impermanent fasteners somehow.

Now than, it seems clear that I am and have demonstrated the capacity for sound reasoning and correct strategic long term thinking. Additionally, I am more than capable of working in collaborative teams and work in general. At least for now.

But, this is a catch-22 because the natural course of logic from that point of reference is capitalism is over and this project is egregiously behind schedule.

So it seems like the very next priority is to clear the lot and introduce regular termidor trenching and I've got to implement progressive improvements on moisture control.

I have nothing better to do at all. In the meantime I'll limp along focused on steady energy generation until such time I am well within volatility tolerances to escalate to a new phase of theatre enabled by that new negotiation position.

I do think we should intend to establish secondary and tertiary bases in Hilo and Jeuno areas as well as a forward stealth camp somewhere in Japan, presumably Wakayama.

I think you can't rely solely on invisibility. There are important moments where out and out combat are required. And, without use of various magics you're unable to utilize the other 2 principals effectively.

I mean it's fine as-is.

Termite damage can be repaired now because the walls can just be scooped up and molded back into place. The roof is replaceable with foam core board, and rope. It's running already at minimum utility surcharge and facilities for programs are completed. Which is all well under annual funding.

So I think we should let it simmer for now. Of course, the termites are a serious problem that must be addressed right now.

I feel based on analysis that the termite infestation though severe is primarily driven by moisture. By removing 2 major concentrated rainwater inputs directly into the walls the termites should not generally continue exploring for food within them. It's 'unclear' to what extent the termites have attained the wooden roofing but it is clear they've been active in the structure for its lifetime. And so, any and all structural failings of the dojo are remedied. With regular trenching of termidor sc I believe this will create an effective barrier against future termite incursion.

Furthermore, elimination of the lot of termite bait should also make a Pareto level improvement to the property 'termite profile'.

So I'm going to move all this wood into the shed area. Put up aluminum shielding against the wall exterior bases weighted secured with cement blocks and order some termidor. I already have a hoe and 2 large sprayers I found in the garbage.

Once the termidor arrives I'll just improvise an initial trenching where the termites are visibly active. (Just near moisture sources).

Then, I'll try and use the saws all to cut down all this material including dead trees into firewood and stack it for winter. In some termite treated way protected from moisture.

I will then burn this material throughout the winter.

I will also need to order some stump decomposer chemical, use the drill to inject it into the stumps and remove them somehow which I believe could be the primary food source or even nest.

At this point, the adobe walls themselves should serve as a termite detector. With no new mud tunnels on the walls I'll consider the problem solved.

I will simmer for now, undoubtedly until at some point I will have to re-transition from stripes to web where I will seek out a full time 100% remote employed position at a lower rate. This is when I should visit Alaska.

Once that position term is exhausted I imagine I will be in position to resume ounce operations permanently within Blockchain r&d.

Ok failing that, my research concludes that it would be fine to liquidate everything into Bitcoin and just spend it until it runs out, living however and then at such time as I am totally broke receive approx $2500 a month in state aid on basis of poverty and mental disability and that should be just as well.

With the worst case being that I just fall asleep from dehydration.

The dojo itself will have to manifest a clear and concise incorporate vehicle facet with specific and explicit curriculums, staff and documented activities.

This should in principal realize the purpose.

I just grapple with some.idea that this is just a shit shit shit outcome and I'm too tired to do anything. But this severely and imminently makes no sense because there literally is no conceivable alternative even if could make any wish.

So, I think there has got to be some kind of nervous system disorder at play here and I don't think pharmaceuticals are the answer.

There's no reason to believe my core systems are damaged. I think it's a habituated neural conditioning pattern because it's resolvable with mindfulness practice, similarly to back issues resolvable through a few moments of the correct posture...

I mean, schizophrenia for sure. But that basically just explains the 'cause' of mental phenomenon which are manageable.

My current thinking is schizophrenia isn't an anxiety disorder, but an anxiety disorder will exacerbate schizophrenia due to it's cortisol release leading to dopamine. As well that schizophrenia is essentially a genetic feature to grapple with novel and severe danger.

That imagination is very related to actual perception has some weight. And could explain the crossover.

Anyway, no sense freaking out about it - it's battle and that's just the way it is. I like that, take note, take care of it.

[geekyzelda]

Let’s college AU

Cuz why the hell not. And @annieisyourfavourite ‘s Beetle art inspired me (US based, hence the “college” not uni, cuz im american & too lazy to figure out my own school system let alone other countries)

Septimus is in his first year training to be a pilot and takes as many science courses as he can. He is especially interested in astrophysics and aeronautics and, ironically, chemistry.

Jenna is in her first year but has enough credits to be in her second year. She’s studying political science. She’s aiming for governor but, of course, her big dream would be to be president one day. Or maybe just a congresswoman, who knows.

Beetle is in his last year & finishing his degree in English with an emphasis in Literature. He hopes to get into grad school to get his Library Science degree and become a librarian at the public level.

Marwick is in natural sciences. He wants to become a national or state park ranger. He loves the outdoors and wants to spend every working hour outside, teaching others.

Sep and Marwick have known each other since kindergarten, they got stuck in time out with each other.

Beetle and Jenna met in a general statistics class. Beetle put it off because he despises math. Jenna took it immediately to get it out of the way. It took them almost a year to start dating tho, Beetle felt weird about dating someone so much younger than him (18 to 21 is a big jump) and Jenna was convinced she only saw him as a friend for a while. The pair meets for coffee before class every Tuesday and Thursday. They’re that couple that is always together but don’t make you sick to look at. Everyone assumed they were dating much earlier than they were just because they were around each other so much.

Marcia is the head of the flight program at the university. She takes a special liking to Septimus as he tends to involve himself in EVERYTHING, head of social media, in with the competition planning, picking up random jobs at the airport, at every fundraiser helping out. You name it, he’s there.

(Alther is dean of the college the aviation program is apart of? Or he’s the old head of the aviation program & just comes around to fly planes once in a while.)

Sep TA’d for prof. Marcellus’s chem class & loved it.

Miss Marcia Overstrand is in a dead end relationship with a local shop owner, Milo Banda. They know each other from their own time in college and Marcia convinced herself he was going to propose when they graduated. Well it’s been a few years (try 10) and there’s still no ring on her finger and that chemistry professor on south campus is looking mighty fine.

Septimus invites Jenna to an aviation banquet as his date, because when in doubt, ask your siblings. Milo is there as Marcia’s date and he can’t help but think Jenna’s eyes look a lot like an ex girlfriends of his who died in childbirth. But the kid was a stillborn, right?

The gang hangs out at Beetle’s apartment (he’s the only one with a private room & is relativly close to campus. Plus he owns a TV!)

Sep and Beetle met when they ran into each other in the library. Sep was lost looking for a research book and Beetle helped him before asking about the Zelda shirt Sep wore. Beetle owns a switch and Sep hadn’t had time to even touch a controller since he got to college. Beetle invited him over to play Breath of the Wild and they became good friends after. It just so happened Jenna was Sep’s sister.

Mar smokes weed/makes edibles on the weekends but he does it SMARTLY so he wouldn’t get kicked out. He ain’t no dumbass. Sep tried it once, decided it wasn’t for him. (He takes a hit off of Marwick’s blunt when he’s feeling super stressed about stuff)

Simon is working as a chemist for a local pharmaceutical company. His and Sep’s fight came from 10 the normal dichotomy of oldest kid vs youngest. But 2) Sep got accepted to a better college than Simon ever had the opportunity to attend. Simon is over it now but he avoided coming home for a good few months when he heard. “He’s petty as hell” Jenna declared one night at dinner. No one disagreed

Sam is part of the states local fishing and wildlife board. Marwick walked in one day (when he was done with college) asking about a job application. Sam handed it to him with his phone number on the back.

Jojo still lives at home and works at the local Hot Topic and/or Spencer’s.

Idk what the twins do they have too little personality. They do go to fucking furry cons and you and I both know it.

Nicko went to trade school for boat repair and is loving every single minute of it. Hey, small world! He happens to work with his sister-in-law’s brother!

The Heaps ended up adopting Jenna through a roundabout way. Silas & Sarah were accidentally given the wrong baby in the hospital, never mind the darker skin & the fact that she was a girl while their baby was a boy. Silas notified a nurse & when they got Septimus back they asked to meet the mother of that charming baby girl. When they heard her mom had passed and her dad was out of the picture, they felt an immediate concern for the baby. After some serious deliberation, and a bit of prompting from the boys about wanting a sister, they decided to adopt her.

[xxghost-zombie-jesus]

BJTM Headcanons

copy and pasted from my ramblings on discord between my friend and i so they may not make sense, i don't care. enjoy!!

first, a joke that's not really a joke. iykyk

Charles: What are your pronouns Beej: What's a pronoun? Delia: Indicative but not exclusive to your gender identity Beej: Stop swearing at me Delia: Can we refer to you as they/them? Beej: But my name is… well I can't say it but you all know it. Charles: Lydia, what are Mr. Juice's pronouns? Lydia: Oh, I use He/Him for him, he doesn't really care though

He/they beej all the way, nonbinary king. he's a demon for one, and also just doesn't actually care what people call him as long as they see him, also also he will wear whatever he wants, it's all just clothing to him. in my brain beej is like "idfk what a pronoun is and i am NOT about to learn" and then, post!musical rambling ahead: so like, if beej comes back after the events of the musical, and like, yknow, they all talk and apologies go around bc no one is really w/o fault even if beej went on a little hissy-fit and almost killed them all (and was killed in return), i like to imagine they struggle w/ what to call him bc hearing his name said by breathers is like a physical tugging in his chest, and it's not painful, persay, but it's uncomfortable and attention-grabbing. And I'm sure he doesn't really want people calling him Lawrence for a few reasons (only Juno calls him that, for one, and also he doesn't look like a Lawrence), and while Lydia would have no problem calling him BJ, im sure others have their reservations bc.... the other thing that stands for LMAO so yeah, he goes by like, Beej, BJ, Beetle, Bug, Mr. Juice (when Charles is really annoyed and/or is one of his rare times of teasing the demon), B-Man (by himself), etc and only when they're out in public where other people can see him is he ever called Lawrence because he's kind of under the cover of being Lydia's older brother who came home from college, and no one really wants to explain what Beej/BJ stands for

also, he's not great at spelling in english, the rules change too much for him to keep up and also he never really cared, and he's not the best reader out there, but he's pretty fucking good with history (hey, he lived through it!), and also math, surprisingly to everyone, including himself. He wants to be good with science but the last time he thought about it they hadn't even come up with the Big Bang theory so he's… a little out of the loop. ((he's fluent in Death and in whatever language demons use, though, but it doesn't exactly translate to english, hence why he spells his name Beetlejuice when it's supposed to be Betelgeuse like the star. i imagine he's pretty good w/ like, Olde English because that's what it was when he was learning it, but it's been modernized and he's just like "fuck it spelling correctly is for chumps and grandmas anyway")) also isnt that sad? he's named after the second brightest star in Orion's belt, meaning the self-proclaimed "Ghost with the Most" will never be the best

oh another thing, beej sometimes repeats things in 3s, as kind of a callback to his curse (his name being said three times), autistic/adhd swag makin me repeat shit i say multiple times sometimes and i am totally not projecting, and also because echolalia is a bitch that i too deal with. Lydia does it too, but only once or twice, and the two sometimes get stuck in an increasingly amusing feedback loop of repeating the same dumb word back and forth until one of them snaps out of it basically once delia walked in on Beej and Lydia playing mario-kart, repeating, "bababooie" back and forth and had been doing so for 10 minutes, and continued to do so for another 5 before Delia stepped in and got their attention beej and lydia BOTH got that autistic swag, sue me. also beej probably also has ADHD but i may or may not be projecting on that front <3 idk i just like to think that beej and lydia are both just unapologetically autistic together and when people try to be rude about it to one of them the other is like "i'll literally fucking kill you and no one will ever find the body <3"

oh and i personally will be using 'beetlejuice' as the spelling for his name except in very certain circumstances (ie someone uses his true name for any reason and/or when things are being spoken about in demon tongue. i like to think beej personally butchered the spelling bc he KNEW it would piss his mom off and he was right because it DID piss her off to high heaven)

[dustedmagazine]

Listed: His Name Is Alive

While Warren Defever’s name is perhaps less recognizable than that of his band His Name Is Alive, he’s also been connected with a seemingly endless array of other projects: Princess Dragon-Mom, Elvis Hitler, ESP Beetles, Control Panel, and far more. This doesn’t get into his recording and production credits for the likes of Michael Hurley, Iggy and the Stooges, and Mdou Moctar. Forever associated with Michigan’s weirdo-underground music scene, Defever has recently been issuing a series of long-buried recordings as His Name Is Alive. In February, the Disciples label released Hope Is a Candle, the third and final volume in the "Home Recordings" trilogy exploring Defever's teenage tape experimentation as well as A Silver Thread (Home Recordings 1979 - 1990), a four-volume collection of many of Defever’s solo home recordings prior to His Name Is Alive releasing their debut album Livonia on 4AD in 1990. In his review of A Silver Thread, Tim Clarke writes “For a collection of home recordings, what’s most striking about this music is how fully realized and carefully executed it sounds, comparable at times to contemporary artists such as Grouper, Benoît Pioulard and Tim Hecker. This is not the 1980s that I remember.”

Defever gives us his “What Else Is New” list, a set of personal snapshots, memories of a life spent in music, warning the reader that “the descriptions don’t always have an obvious correlation to the video, but welcome to my nightmare brain.”

In The Line of Fire

I started performing when I was five. My grandfather was a self-taught musician from Saskatchewan in Western Canada and he showed me and my brothers how to play banjo, guitar and fiddle. One of my earliest memories is having a full size 127 lb. accordion placed onto my lap and my grandmother voicing her disappointment when I refused to play. I did learn slide guitar from her later though. I have many, often terrible, memories of performing at square dances with his band and we would play old timey country music, folk songs, polkas and waltzes. There were also gigs at the trailer park, old folks homes and a convent. Although my grandfather believed that popular music died with Hank Williams in 1953, he still found room in his heart for Lawrence Welk and Slim Whitman.

Meet Me By The Water

By age ten I had a tape recorder and was using it to capture the sounds of nearby lakes, thunderstorms, and my older brothers LP collection played at the wrong speeds. I recently found the cassette, Echo Lake (1983) which features waves crashing onto the beach on the Canadian side of Lake St. Clair but it was recorded right after I got an echo pedal so it’s got a heavy dose of dreamy delay. Tape loops of the next door neighbor raking leaves and shoveling the driveway would be repurposed a few years later as rhythm tracks on the first His Name Is Alive LP, Livonia (4AD, 1990). Detroit in the late 70s and early 80s had totally insane radio and one of the highlights was Met-Ezzthetics, a late night show on WDET hosted by Faruq Z. Bey who also played saxophone in Griot Galaxy. Shortly before his death he played with His Name is Alive and we had a chance to formalize our student-teacher relationship.

Search For Higher Energies

In high school I was studying Bach Chorale harmonization and counterpoint during the day but recording and touring with the band Elvis Hitler at night. The other guys in band were older but at 16 I was a familiar sight at shitty Detroit punk clubs and Hamtramck dive bars, the nerdy teenager reading a book or doing homework sitting at the bar waiting ’til midnight or 1am for our slot to play our hellbilly hits, “It’s A Long Way From Berlin To Memphis,” and “Hot Rod To Hell.” I was still trying to make sense of the post 1953 music scene and when I met the guy with a giant afro and shiny super hero outfit complete with shiny cape I had no idea he was Rob Tyner of the MC5. We released three records before I was twenty one and played shows and toured with Devo, the Dwarves, the Dead Milkmen, Reverend Horton Heat, the Beat Farmers, Helios Creed, Babes In Toyland, the Cro-Mags, Corrosion of Conformity, the Frogs, the Gories, Pussy Galore, the Unsane and way more I can’t remember I was just a kid. It was some kind of education.

You Don’t Have To Go Home But You Can’t Stay Here

When I signed with 4AD I thought I was a composer and they let me write my own bio, so I called His Name Is Alive the work of a “fucked up, irresponsible teenage composer.” I had only been writing music for three years. When I heard “Tom Violence” by Sonic Youth I thought for the first time in my life, “I think I could do that.” In 1988 I made a mixtape with Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car, Leadbelly and some of Big Star’s third album and I tried to arrange it like it was an album, then I made my own album in that same shape, it was called I Had Sex With God and I sent it to 4AD. Our first album contained three of the first five pieces of music I had ever written. Within a few years I was playing festivals for contemporary classical composers and new age artists who were thirty or forty years older than me. His Name Is Alive played the Musicas Visuales Festival in Mexico with Harold Budd, Paul Horn and Jorge Reyes. The mayor of the city presented me with a guitar but then dramatically walked out of the theater during our performance realizing he had made a terrible mistake. I remember the surreal moment when from across the room Harold Budd walked in and greeted me as “Mr. Defever.” He had a cold and was sniffling during his set, the audience thought he was crying. I recorded his show and when I got back home to Livonia I added my own guitar to some of his songs and then edited the tapes, looping my favorite parts and editing out the parts I didn’t like, also adding additional layers of reverb and echo. More recently I did a concert in a five hundred year old temple in Japan where the unamplified meditation music never rose above a whisper and the monk had to turn off the furnace because the heat molecules were too loud. The show was recorded and released under the name Mountain Ocean Sun and features Ian Masters and Hitoko Sakai.

Energy Dealer

Both my parents were born in Canada, my mother in Saskatchewan, my father in Ontario. I have dual citizenship as my father was American and my mother had Canadian citizenship. I spent summers, holidays and weekends in a tiny cottage on Lake St. Clair that did not have a telephone and had curtains instead of doors separating the two rooms. Myrt Fortin who lived next door would receive phone calls for my mom, walk over to our place and yell into the window, “Hey wake up your ma, your dad’s on the phone.” My mom took a lot of naps, so she was always asleep when something important was happening. I remember always getting cut on broken glass while swimming in the lake or getting stabbed by one of the neighbors and having to go wake up my mom to take me to the hospital.

Lord I Don’t Believe You Exist

When I was ten my parents sat me down and told me it was time that I got a summer job. There were only two businesses in town, a gas station and a hardware store so I walked up to the hardware store and asked the owner for a job and immediately fell to the ground crying. Completely fell apart. He asked me why I wanted to work in hardware. I didn’t know what to say, I was only ten but I knew not to tell the owner that his store was stupid and I didn’t think he could handle the truth. It turned out he also owned the gas station so that didn’t really work out. Later that summer, I began working for the Pickseed Corporation as corn de-tasseling season was just beginning. All the moms would drop off their kids in the church parking lot in Tecumseh, just outside of Windsor, around 4:30am where an unmarked windowless cargo van was waiting that had cinderblocks and 2'x4' boards instead of benches so they could squeeze in the maximum amount of children. There were three job requirements to work in a cornfield, the child (it was only children, no adults) needed to show up with a baseball hat, a thermos with water and a large black plastic garbage bag. I think this was before sunglasses were invented. Upon arriving at the cornfield, we were separated into pickers and checkers, younger kids each taking a row of corn (a row could extend a mile or more) and a slightly older kid would organize and manage several of the younger kids. In the morning we were instructed to poke two arm holes and a head hole into our garbage bags and put it on like a raincoat because the corn was covered in dew and kids wearing wet clothes would walk slower than dry kids. So almost every day there was a point, usually around 11am when the dew would dry and we would be roasted alive from the summer sun coming down on our ridiculous shiny black plastic outfits. We worked from sun up until sun down. I received three dollars and thirty five cents an hour. For all you city folks, corn is planted in alternating rows of types of corn so that when the top part of the plant is removed, or “de-tasseled,” it can seed or cross-pollinate easily. It’s a terrible job with a high turnover rate and every day I would hear the sound of kids in nearby rows that had given up hope, sat down in the middle of the field and crying for hours. The following year, at age 11, I was promoted from picker to checker, and was put in charge of a group of about ten sixteen year old’s.

Sleep It Off

Mostly I like to record – His Name is Alive has over a hundred releases and I’ve done another fifty records under various names, Control Panel, Warren Michael Defever, ESP BEETLES, ESP SUMMER, Forest People, Infinity People, Jeepers Creepers, Layla al-Akhyaliyya, Mirror Dream, Princess Dragon-Mom, the Dirt Eaters, the Fishcats, the Whales, plus way more I can’t remember probably because the names were so dumb. I’ve recorded about four hundred records for other bands at my house or other studios. I’ve worked on records with Danny Kroha, Ida, Fred Thomas, Elizabeth Mitchell, Wild Belle, Michael Hurley, and when I was a teenager I helped record the first Gories album which was especially unique as I was the junior assistant engineer who helped move their equipment into the dirt floor garage next to the studio where it was decided the acoustics would be way worse. Also, I helped collage about a hundred Destroy All Monsters tapes from the 70s for a couple of their releases which led to remastering a bunch of tapes from the John Sinclair White Panther Party archives. I’ve done remixes for Thurston Moore and Yoko Ono and when Iggy and The Stooges started touring again I got a phone call from Ron Asheton seeing if I would help them record demos for their reunion album with Mike Watt on bass. They wrote the songs together while they were recording in Niagara’s basement sort of simultaneously. Iggy didn’t have a notebook with all his lyric ideas, instead he just sang about whatever happened that day – one song was about the airline losing his luggage, one about ATM machines and another was about reading in a newspaper that Ray Davies of the Kinks had been shot in New Orleans. In the end they weren’t terribly excited by my suggested song titles including “No Shirt” (you know because it’s like “No Fun” plus you know Iggy never wears a shirt) and they didn’t seem to love the mixes that I did that sounded kind of like those crappy Raw Power bootlegs.

Cost Of Living

Two summers ago I recorded an incredible concert by Mdou Moctar live at Third Man Records in Detroit. They’re wild hypnotic Hendrix style jammers who live in the desert. The band didn’t speak much english but I think I was able to communicate to them how excited I was about their amazing fingerpicking and hot guitar solos after the show by screaming and replaying the best solos over and over again and then screaming the word fuzz and pointing at their fingers. It’s insane and having seen them a few times since then with a different drummer and the addition of a bass player, I’m convinced it’s their best album. It’s wild but it’s still not Tchin-tabaraden wedding wild.

Licked By Lions

Jonathan Richman walks into Ethan and Gretchen's studio and asks if I can remove all the rugs, take the acoustic treatments off the walls and strike the baffles which normally separate the instruments, drums and amps, so the room will have the most echo possible, he has also invited about ten friends including Johnny Bee Badanjek the drummer from Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels and Mary Cobra from the Detroit Cobras to dance, sing and play percussion in the studio while he records. He has two vocal microphones set up at either end of the room and has brought his own microphones for the drums along with his own desired placement for them. He notices a tamboura near the control room and asks if I know how to play it or if I know how to tune it. Within seconds he’s tuned it and proceeds to sing Indian classical music accompanying himself on tamboura drone for about thirty five minutes. It’s beautiful and very surprising. He asks me if I recorded it, I lie and say no. Later he asks me not to play it for anyone. We record for hours. Some songs are quite long – ten and fifteen minutes, some are medleys of oldies or soft rock hits from the seventies segueing into new songs of his. It’s a confusing session as it’s not clear when songs are starting and ending and he often plays guitar and sings nowhere near a microphone. The distance between him and the microphone seems to have some meaning, there’s some formula to when he chooses to walk away in the middle of a verse but I am unable to determine the secret code. At the end of the session three or four songs are deemed usable, edited and mixed, although, sadly, an attempt at a completely insane and unexpected fuzz guitar solo is left unreleased. (The Harold Budd piece is at the opposite end of this spectrum.)

Calling All Believers

Shortly after Tecuciztecatl was released, I received an email from Dr. James Beacham at CERN inviting us to perform at a series of concerts that would combine experimental music with experimental science at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, Switzerland. He didn’t contact our booking agent, which would be how we generally receive offers for gigs, instead he sent an email to me, which would be how we generally receive crazy messages from our completely insane fans (murderous, delusional, poetic, threatening messages usually). I assumed the invitation was fake or a prank and replied that we would prefer to wait until they had successfully opened a pathway to interspatial dimensions and we’d play on the other side or that if that was unlikely to happen at a convenient time then perhaps we could set up our equipment right on the edge of a mini-black hole and perform as the Earth is being destroyed so we could release the concert film “Live At The End Of The World.” After a few messages back and forth, it was clear that he was legit and I apologized for being such a jerk. Soon I discovered poetry within the language of particle physics as well as a certain beauty in the idea that these scientists have devoted their lives to dreaming, searching and discovering basic principles that connect all things in existence. The song “Calling All Believers” refers to this devotion. “Energy Acceleration” compares the scientists to monastic life in medieval times and mystics trying to find and define the line between this world and the next and at the same time invoking the incredible amounts of energy needed to create the collisions experiments. The Patterns of Light LP was released in 2016 on London London Records and is about interpreting visions of light, trying to find universal truth with whatever tools available, it’s about the search for how everything works, why it works and how it got that way but also about being inspired on a basic level by the way a thing looks and how all your senses take in a thing. A thousand years ago Hildegard Von Bingen was writing about this same thing in letters, songs, medical texts, and had even developed her own language to use in her mystical writings, similar to Magma drummer Christian Vander using his own language for their concept albums or French black metalists Brenoritvrezorkre and Moëvöt.

The Light Inside You

We get a lot of letters from fans, mostly weirdos though. I think it started when we released Song of Schizophrenia, that sort of connected us to a certain demographic I suspect. Here’s a recent typical message we received. “Growing up in Panama City, Mouth By Mouth and Livonia were like passages to other realms. I drank a ton of cough syrup at the time but those albums helped make life more livable. I was about to go to art school for sculpture and graphic design and the textures I heard on those records had actual shapes to them. Most music I knew at that time was flat or linear. I got them on cassette via mail-order from an ad placed in a bmx magazine. Mouth By Mouth arrived just before going to work at the amusement park and I was able to listen to it twice on the way thanks to the never-ending beach traffic. As luck would have it, I worked on “The Abominable Snowman” ride, basically a tilt-a-whirl inside a dome with lots of fog machine action, blue lights, mirrors, and lots of air conditioning. It took about 10 listens that day before it wasn’t as weird as when I first put it on. Maybe it was my bubblegum flavor/robitussin combo slushie on top of no-doz that pulled it all together, but it was probably a weird ride for a lot of vacationing beach tourists and townies when all they really wanted to hear was “Naughty by Nature” by O.P.P. I had no business running those rides at the age of 17 but I really loved how disorienting that ride could be with all the mirrors, the fog, the cold and for the final 90 seconds the ride would go in reverse. I had a buddy named Kevin that did acid at work and would repeatedly run the mini-train off the tracks and all the riders had to walk back through the woods for about a half mile that summer.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #435

from yesterday, don’t feel like updating the answers. :^)

When you get married what do you think you’ll put most of your focus and money into? Uhhh. I really don't know... I mean maybe doing all I can do avoid debt? That's what my parents mostly argued about, and I know financial strain can really affect a couple. I never want that burden. Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? My damn self. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No; my parents didn't grow up here. Wait! I THINK Mom had one of my college professors? I don't recall for sure, and I definitely don't remember who it was. Are you the type of person who seeks out revenge? Nah. Are there any songs that inspire you? Certainly, such as "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne, "Get Up" by Shinedown, and more. How do you feel about celebrities getting involved in politics? Do you think that the celebrity world and the political world should be kept apart? Not at all; everyone has the right to share their opinion and should not feel like it's necessary to censor it. Let them be people with morals and beliefs, too. I'm totally fine with them CHOOSING to be quiet about controversial subjects, but they're more than welcome to share their thoughts on any topic. What is one pro of living where you do, and what is one con? What is a pro and a con of living where you wished you lived? I guess the only real pro (and this is horrible to be the first thought) is that we're under the radar; like, not really a target for terrorism or anything, lol. I'd get kinda nervous if I lived in, like, Washington D.C. or something. We have A LOT of cons: there is NOTHING to do, we're essentially a hub for crime, the scenery is boring and bland as fuck... I could go on for a long time. I'd love to live in many areas in North America, but I'll go with Alaska, since that would absolute RULE. A strong pro would definitely be the cold climate and the sights, but it would definitely be a con to me when that relentless dark era lasts for months on end. I need the sun (from inside anyway, ha ha) sometimes, because it being dark for what, half a year?, would really damage my happiness. What is your favorite episode of your favorite TV show? Referring to Meerkat Manor, it's actually the one where Mozart dies, I think, even though it destroyed my heart. I just think the writer portrayed it as so beautifully tragic, and the clips shown were so pretty. Does having others watch you do things make you uncomfortable? What sorts of things make you extremely uncomfortable if you are watched while doing them? Are there any things that give you confidence to do if you have an audience? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. Do NOT watch me on the computer (especially when writing), I literally will not draw if someone's watching (inevitably besides in Art classes, I think Sara is legit the only person who's watched me draw a bit), I really don't like people watching me edit photography, I'm nooot a fan of others seeing me exercise (though I kinda have to suck that up with having a personal trainer), etc. etc. Just don't watch me do anything, lol. I don't know what actually boosts my confidence if I'm being observed. Does someone in your house speak a different language on a regular basis? No. Do you follow or care about any big sports events? Not at all. Are there any activities people normally do together that you prefer doing alone? Hm. I dunno. If you are going somewhere where you’ll have to wait for a while (i.e. a doctor’s office), do you bring something to occupy yourself? My phone, yeah. How long is your favorite song? I checked, and it's almost six minutes. Do you think you’d ever want to be “internet famous”? I'll admit I've somewhat thought about it, only because my career choices are running so dry, and I'd be able to do it alone. However, I've got noooo idea what I'd actually do, and I also don't think I could handle ridicule or anything like that for any reason. Having a spotlight on me would stress me out. Who was the main cook of your Thanksgiving meal last year? My older sister. What moment in your life have you been most scared? Probably this one occasion where Dad had to pick my sister and me up from school one day and make the 30-minute drive home. Well. He was clearly in a hellish mood because he was flying. He ran stop signs and red lights, passed people illegally... I was in the passenger's seat and absolutely convinced we were going to crash. I can barely believe we didn't. Who was the last person you slow danced with? -_- Do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds. I like how they block out external sound better, and they don't hurt my ears like headphones do. What person/people do you trust the most? My mom. Who in your life do you care about more than yourself? My parents, sisters, my nieces and nephew, Sara... A lot of people, if I'm being honest. I don't value my life as much as I should. Which wild animal would you most like to have as a pet? I am DESPERATE to rescue an opossum one day. :''''( What teacher did all the high school boys/girls have a crush on? I have no idea. Have you ever felt seriously violated? No. Do you watch American Horror Story? I adore(d) the first season; it was mine and Jason's "show." We watched most of season two as well, but I lost interest in the later half of it. I haven't really watched it since, save for the pilot episode of some season I forgot. Does your hometown have any urban legends/scary stories? Not to my knowledge. What’s the scariest nightmare you remember having? Something involving my dad that I won't speak about. Pancakes or French toast? Oh my god, French toast. That sounds delicious rn. Are there any apps you’re addicted to? Not addicted, nah. Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? Yes; it was a bunny holding a multicolor polka-dotted blanket. Do you still collect stuffed animals? Hell yeah. Have you ever had eggs cooked over a campfire? No. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Just black. What font do you usually use? I mean, it depends on what I'm doing. Is it supposed to appear professional? Aesthetically pleasing? It varies too much to answer this with one font. What about font colors? Usually just black, but again, it depends on what I'm writing. Are you good at making graphics or designing layouts? Ha, no. Do you put gel or mousse in your hair? No. Sleep with just one pillow? No, I use two. I am VERY uncomfortable with just one. Ever woke up crying? Yeah, from nightmares. Do you like big dogs or small dogs better? It depends on the breed and their energy level. I don't really prefer one over the other as a general judgment. Are you going to graduate high school on time? I did. Been to the zoo lately? No, but I'd love to go. :/ Now that I'd consider myself at least a pretty decent photographer, I'd love to see what shots I could take. I LOVE photographing animals with how unpredictable they are. It's like playing the lottery; you really don't know what you're going to get, but you have the chance for seriously priceless moments. Even if we could afford the trip, though, I know I wouldn't last long whatsoever with my legs being as weak as gelatine. I know especially that there's a notable incline in the path, and I'd never make it up it. I really, really look forward to the day where I can really start feeling a difference in my body thanks to the gym. Have you ever been to Mississippi? No. What did you do for your last birthday? We went to The Cheesecake Factory. Do you like to cook? No. What is the worst thing that has happened to you in your entire life? If I'm looking at the big picture and what truly damaged my pleasure in life the most, it'd be developing depression and such intense anxiety. I've given up so much and changed so negatively because of it. Do you know when your next family reunion will be? We've never had one. My family is too spread out. What is your favorite thing to do with your significant other? I'm single, but even in a relationship, I love playing video games together. I've got multiple memories of just having a great time doing that. Where is “home” for you? Wherever Mom is. Is there an animal that creeps you out? Whale sharks, maggots and other bug larvae, centipedes, many beetles, and some other bugs. What is the name of the last band you discovered? Uhhh.. good question. I admittedly don't listen to new music a lot. I tend to stick to the stuff I know. Do you prefer group projects, or would you prefer to work alone? I would rather kick my ankle against a Razer scooter than do a group project. Have you ever been to Hooters? No. Do you have a brother? What’s his name? Yeah, Robert, but everyone calls him "Bobby." Have you ever thought that your life was so bad you wanted to give up? About a billion times. I still do sometimes. Do you have a ceiling fan located in your bedroom? Yes. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No, but I was supposed to visit one in the fourth grade. The water was way too aggressive that day, though, so we had a change of plans and went to a closer island. Hell, it might have been the better option, because it had horses. I remember collecting seashells, too, and just watching the power of the ocean hammer at the shores. It was really pretty. Have you ever been bitten by an animal? Only playfully, like by a cat. Well wait, I think my old baby iguana may have bitten me once (he sure tried to, ha ha), but I don't remember for sure. Did it rain today? Yes. It rains pretty much every afternoon here in the late summer. What was the name of the last dog you pet? Zeke, my sister's German shepherd. He's adorable. Has your luggage ever been lost at the airport? Did you get it back? No. Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? I pretty much always hug my friends when I see them. I'm a big hugger. Have you ever witnessed a tornado? No, thank the fucking Lord. Who is your favorite person to talk to when you’re down? Sara. What are you listening to right now? "Blood For Blood" by Powerwolf. Can you get over people easy? Hell no. I do NOT handle loss well AT ALL. And not just romantically. What was the last thing you carried to your room? A drink. Do you drink water that comes from your sink? Only once it's been filtered. Have you ever prank called the police? That is fucking awful. No. What’s your LEAST favorite smiley? XD looks so stupid to me I'm sorry lmao xD reigns supreme. Do you like Italian food? Yeah, more than I used to. Have you ever put red lipstick on just to make lip marks on something? No. Do you watch Shane Dawson on YouTube? Isn't his career pretty much toast now? I DID used to love his videos, though. I still occasionally watch his fiance, though, and he pops up sometimes. Regardless of everything, I still think he's funny as fuck. Would you ever spend a day to see what it’s like to be homeless? NOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO. I am TERRIFIED of living on the streets someday. I want NO idea what it's like. Is the house you’re currently living in over 50 years old? I highly doubt that. Have you ever had a yard sale? Many. What is your favorite color? Baby pink. Did you have a good day or a bad day? Today was extreeeemely dull and felt like it lasted eons. Do you know anyone that has/had cancer? I sadly know maaaaany. Have you ever read somebody else’s diary? No, that is incredibly rude. Do you enjoy going to school? I hated it from start to end. Like I have good memories, but overall, I hated school. Were you a big jump roper back in the day? OHHHH YES. I almost learned how to double-dutch, even. I could jump with two ropes, but not jump in with two. Are you a local celebrity? Definitely not. Do you eat candy daily? No. I'm already fat dude, I don't need candy. I avoid candy as best as I can. Do you get nervous with public speaking? Like you would not believe. How old were you when you got your driver's license (if you have it)? I'm 25 and still don't have it. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you? Yes. What memory are you most afraid of losing? Meh, I don't know. A lot of what I consider my "favorite" memories I'd honestly be better off losing, probably. Who accompanied you to your first concert? My mom, younger sister, and Jason. Would you rather have tickets to see your favorite band in concert, or $100 to go shopping? TAKE ME TO THE OZZY CONCERT. What do you usually eat for breakfast? It really varies. I'd say cereal most often, probably? Do you wish you were more outgoing? Yeah. Do you know anyone who wears a hearing aid? I don't think so?

[venusinthe10th]

Cosmic Changes of Cancer

Today I am going to be exploring the sign of Cancer:

Cancers are often simplified to being cry-babies and nurtures however, there is more to them then just these things. The lesson for cancer placements lies in their heart. How many beatings must one take to the heart before its stoned over in a material of blocking, locking and ever ending contemplation.

Being lunar (ruled by the moon) in this way makes one susceptible to the conditioning and molding of the world around them due to the fact that the Moon changes signs every 2.5 days. You are experiencing the entirety of the zodiac over a course of 28 days. Depending on what your ultimate lover, the Sun, is doing—You are constantly riding a wave of different zodiac flavors: Aries-Pisces. This is not to say that **everyone else** isn’t feeling the lunar influence, its just that Cancers are exclusive to the Moon. The Moon only rules CANCER. Cancerian people are CARDINAL – don’t mistake cardinal energy for Martian energy. They have to lead with their heart and feeling nature. They must feel out certain environments first before feeling comfortable. They want to make sure everyone is okay energetically before beginning something.

If Cancer is unable to do this, then the cosmic weeping begins and they become lost. Lost in a pattern of protecting others and not protecting one self. Cancer’s need space to be Cancers. Their internal soft side is often abused by others over and over again. Unable to recognize their true reflection and nature they turn cold or empty. They end up living life as a total projection of other people’s imprint on them. They carry all the experiences from the past and walk in that truth when they should’ve left it behind. Carrying all that baggage is why Cancer takes things so personally – they have their entire shield, home and protection carried with them all the time (Cancer is symbolized by the Crab)

        When I say, lead with your heart I intend for you to have yourself in mind. Expressing catastrophic emotions while not doing something to change the reason behind these emotions is the same thing as ignorance. Cancer must learn to not neglect themselves. They must draw from their opposite, Capricorn, who build foundation first and then moves forth in extending any helping hand to others.

        The Cancer-Capricorn axis asks us to use the stable power of destruction and malfunction within us, to propel us into situations that are meant for us. To simplify, the dark lonely forces within you must be brought to the surface in your own way. Capricorn deals with a lot of Karma while Cancer provides the divine milk for this Karma to be churned in for the most decadent cream. What do we do with this cream? Obviously, we make cake. We make something beautiful; we materialize these emotional drives. Allowing this cake to be consumed and cleared from our subconscious, thus allowing space for manifestation.

        If Cancer does not have a safe place to go to, or was over sheltered by parental figures growing up (this is usually the case), Cancer gets stuck in a time warp. They get stuck on ONE specific thing or a consistent set of things. (Having an obsession with someone or something, having a dream unfulfilled, tunnel vision) Their opposite, Capricorn, is ruled by Saturn “The Lord of Time”: having blockages from an early age is the opposite of what Cancer needs: Cancer needs validation and encouragement, patience and understanding. Waves are CATASTROPHIC often, FATAL. Keeping Cancer in a capsule is a lazy way to tend to their needs. Cancer is the Mother, already born into this life with wisdom and understanding to develop themselves in a respectful way. A way that suits them in this life time. Cancer needs to be able to create and feel safe while doing so. They often look to idols and icons to feed this insatiable creative energy that they feel inside and often wish they could possess. What sometimes happens is, Cancer gets disappointed and discouraged when they get cast back into the reality of their obsession and realize they aren’t at the same level as the people they idolize and fantasize about.

        Cancer has to realize, as the first water sign, being the only cardinal water sign, they DO have the immense power to be just as impactful and influential as the people they look up to. They just need structure. Water has no real form, it’s boundless—If Cancer is the beach, they need lifeguards. Lifeguards to watch and protect them from drowning within themselves. Friends and family can be very important to Cancer but they must be aware of not letting codependency fuel them – The neurotic chemical release of joy when someone drowns in their waves.

        In ancient Egyptian culture, Cancer was seen as the dung beetle or Scarabaeus- rolling the Moon around like a dung beetle rolls its feces up into a ball so that it can lay it’s eggs. The eggs hatch and eat the dung ball. In my eyes, this represents Cancer’s Phoenix-like life. The Moon grows and decreases as if it were to die and be reborn. The eggs represent new growth in Cancer’s life. I also see it as the releasing of emotional creation. Khapera was an ancient Egyptian God who took form of this Scarab.

“Initiates of the Egyptian Mysteries were sometimes called scarabs; again, lions and panthers. The scarab was the emissary of the sun, symbolizing light, truth, and regeneration.” – Manly P. Hall

        If Cancer can reflect the light they are given, in a way that is honest for them, they are able to travel through life being the ultimate mirror for others. Others can get inspired from Cancer placements when they are at their best potential. Cancer’s cardinal energy is what allows them to be pioneers in areas where they focus. People often seek advice from Cancer and are astonished by their routine and process. Cancer will often reflect your own potential back at you. This can get messy when people refuse to realize the impact of Cancer in their lives and take Cancer for granted. Cancer will give people multiple chances just as a mother does with her son.

        My advice to Cancer placements? Lead with your heart. Follow your heart. Do not let the world try to harden you. Allow yourself to feel and you will attract people who respect that.

Xoxo

Luna Giiselle

Head to my website

Lunagiiselle . com

For readings & consultations!

[gender-chaotic]

Oh boy b**tleba*bes talking about stuff they have no clue about lmao

Warning talk mentions of b**tleb*bes, over sexualization of minors, and a bit of adult stuff.

Im goldenbeetle shipper whos been here a while now and is a proud drinker of loving barbara maitland juice not gonna deny our community has some issues mostly in the past with leaving babs out of fics and art and focus more on adam and beej as well as more adult content. But this is something myslef and many people IN OUR OWN COMMUNITY has been speaking out about for a long ass time now you can search the tags for posts adressing leaving Barbara out including by myself so jot that down, so we dont need b**tleb*bes who barley know anything about our community telling us about our content especially when some of y'all openly mock our ship and made it clear you do not care about it, thanks. many of us especially more recently add barbara in, ive seen so much goldenbeetle content that includes babs including again my own content, ive purposefully drawn solo babs and beej so if you're saying there no content that includes her or just beej and her you're very VERY wrong, come to me or most shippers we can provide lots of golden beetle content with babs and even just babs and beetlejuice. Not to mention a few of your own b**tleb*bes have made beetlejuice and adam content and usually leaves Barbara out and focuses just on adam and beej but go off i guess lol.

Many people draw barbara also draw her based off her actresses' who are both women who don't have very large breasts on top of that gena davis' dress for Barbara did not reveal much, kerry's showing a bit more with a deep neckline still covered alot of her body. Many people arent drawing babs with big knockers and sexy clothes because were trying to repress her sexuality and make her dress like she's in the handmaids tale, shame women for being sexy, its because barbara and adam are canonically a white bred suburban couple who are "vanilla" its their personailty, i drew babs with smaller breasts and more "canon compliant" for a while before i changed it up. Obviously you CAN draw barabra and even adam as sexy and babs with big tiddies, i draw barbara with larger breasts now, and show her cleavage and I've been doing this for a while and i have draw PLENTY of sexy and pin up style babs as well adult content with her beetlejuice, and adam, I've also posted it on here so again y'all dont know what you're talking about. I know others who have drawn sexy barbara and barbara with larger breasts just because its not common and YOU haven't seen it doesn't mean its not out there.

Have y'all seen art of anyone oc's like including self ship oc's with beej?? many of them are sexy and/or have pretty bug breasts (not complaini g btw yall are doing gr8 i love your oc's) or other adult female characters in the show I've seen of art thats sexy of miss Argentina and delia as well as art of them with larger breasts and dressed more "sexy" because that's their character, dress more revealing and prefer to be "sexy". Ive also never been attacked or seen any other "anti" attack a creator for making sexy art or big breasted versions of female characters that are canonically adults in beetlejuice, this includes myself who has openly posted suggestive content of babs even on here infact Ive seen people actually like that stuff they just don't make it themselves so claiming "no one is allowed" to draw barbara sexy or adult content of her is also a huge load.

Not to get too personal but speaking from experience as a person who developed at a very early age i got my first real bra at 7 or 8, had D-DDD breasts throughout middle school and highschool, currently has g-h cup breasts, has been overly sexualized my entire life by people of all ages because of this, and also deals with ALOT of dysphoria because of It am A-ok with representation of women with larger breasts, including suggestive/sexual art of them, women of all body types including their breasts but that's the thing i highly doubt y'all care about large breasted women I've seen the argument when talking about the over sexualiztion of large breasts

"well you dont care about women with big breasts we exist too!"

"Dont erase our body breasts!"

I get it! But its pretty clear this argument is usually only being presented to tokenize us and then someone will draw a big tiddied lady with wide as birthing hips, a dumpster truck ass, back that looks like it son the verge of breaking, and a waist that varies from size skinny to "holy sh*t did all your organs get sucked out???" If yall really care about women with big breasts draw women of differing body types with big breasts, draw them chubby, fat, ACTUALLY curvy, give them stretch marks, a double chin, ect. You fucking cowards say were mysoginists for "not giving barbara big tiddies"

Most of b**tleb*abe adult lydia art looks like a mix of jessica rabbit, elvira, and morticia addams with the same 2 or 3 body types over and over again, infact ive run into plenty of b**tleb*bes art where lydia has either has big tits or like a B-ish cup ("aged up" lydia thats looks almost exactly like her teenage self canon(s)) not really an inbetween but you "totally care about women with large breasts" its not tat you only care about adult lydia to make her ooc, project onto her and make her to sexy goth queen many of us wanted to be when we were young and watched beetlejuice, ship her with beej so she can be his big tiddy goth gf its TOTALLY about ""feminism"" uh huh....

And where has YOUR sexy barbara art been hmm? b**tleb*bes draw so little art of barbara or either maitlands other than to be in the background and react to beej and lyida's shenanigans, or scold them because babes portray the maitlands or way more protective and prude than in canon, and the little art I've seen babes draw of her isn't sexy big tiddy babs. I have at most seen a handful of deetzland fics with adult content including barbara and that's it. Its very clear many of yall care mostly about lydia and beej especially boinking be honest now. So dont bring up our ship or barbara as a "gotcha antis".

And lastly Lydia, i dont think any of us are saying she cant grow up, we literally just think its gross to sexualize a character who is a minor in canon and age her up solely to be with a canon adult. Ive seen "antis" draw adult lydia in a tasteful way and develop her as she grows up because they're interested in her charcter and no one has taken issue with it at all. Lydia in all canons doesnt have big honkers in any canon either, yes minors can have breasts, even larger ones. I mentioned above that was me, and you can have a character who is a minor who looks more developed than others where its not gross and sexualized (jackie lynn thomas from svtfoe is an example, mami from madoka isnt really sexualized in canon from my memory) i think representaion of all body types abd breast sizes is important for young women but lydia isnt one of those characters even in canons where shes 15-17 and going through puberty.

Let lydia be a child jfc, stop being creepy and getting pissy when people draw lyida with the same breast cup in canon and make her look like the average teen/tween she is, that isnt misogyny its treating a character who is a minor appropriately.

The ACTUAL misogyny is over sexualizing and aging up a tween/teen character soley to do the horizontal monster mash with a adult charcter, write her so that she really only cares about said adult character and the spawn that pop out of her from him, she dies young but parents and friends who cares shes got beetlejuice!, Forget the entire life she leaving behind too, and giving her the body of a pixar mom or h*ntai protagonist a majority of the time.

Your performative white feminism is showing.

[becausegoodbye]

a few of my favourite albums of 2020

Jogging House - Be ... (plus Morimoto Naoki - Hibi) (plus Green-House - Six Songs for Invisible Gardens ...) (plus Denis Tremblay - SLEEP BETTER IN NOISY CLASSROOMS ...)

2020 was the year I got super into ambient music. There've always been albums I felt worked best nestled into the background, and Brian Eno's 'Ambient 1' has been a favourite for almost a decade, but this year the search took on a different energy. I approach ambient music with an extremely indulgent kind of simplicity  — "Are these pretty sounds that make my ears feel good?" — and there's something really gratifying about setting yourself a question simple enough that you know you'll always be able to answer it. The ambient albums I loved this year I discovered almost entirely through Bandcamp, which is replete with so many tiny cassette labels that you can find ones that cater to every possible sub-calibration of ambient vibe (my personal favourites are Seil, Constellation Tatsu, Aural Canyon, Dauw, Global Patterns, and 梅レコード). It feels a little rude to combine several different albums into the same entry here, but for me, my unwillingness to analyse them is part of their strength. I just put them on and sink into my chair. They feel good the same way a fluffy dressing gown feels good against your skin, or a cat feels good pressing itself against your shin. This year, I decided that it didn't need to be any more complicated than that.

Dan Deacon - Mystic Familiar For a microfiction competition late last year, I wrote a short story about everyone in the world simultaneously deciding to lie down permanently and let the bugs eat us. The idea was to try and describe something intuitively repulsive to us (beetles licking your eyeballs, ants carrying off your flesh) in a way that made it feel meditative and beautiful. Then not even a week later, the video for ‘Sat By a Tree’ came out, which was about almost the exact same thing. This album doesn’t seem to have struck a chord with very many people, and I can get why: the vocals are still too shyly buried for lyrics people, and too nakedly earnest for folks who just want to bliss out. Even I can’t deny that I’d probably like this album more if the vocals were treated differently, or if it were reworked as a totally instrumental piece. But there’s a pursuit in all of Dan’s music that resonates with me on a subdermal level, and it’s carried through on this album beautifully. It’s the quest for density, for something maximal and full enough to approximate the teeming microscopic and macroscopic busyness of life. When I listen to Dan Deacon, I always think about microbes: about how each of us is a teeming metropolis more than a singular being. It’s the missing perspective that allows a person to see that being eaten by bugs isn’t so bad; it’s the most appropriate possible thing that could happen to us. (Emphasis on the ‘us’.)

Waxahatchee - Saint Cloud

Nobody needs me to tell them that Katie Crutchfield is a great songwriter. This is a classic album of heartbreak, of regret, of sobering up: a splint on an arm that’s still holding onto what it’s lost. The lyrics are pitched at this particular allegorical intensity – hells, landslides, scientific cryptograms – and the country-inflected indie-rock instrumentation largely has the sense to simply get out of the way. There’s a sympathetic wisdom to the songs here, focused less on the worst intensities of grief than on the life you figure out how to live afterwards. It’s an arm on your shoulder and an eye to the horizon. 

“You might mourn all that you wasted That's just part of the haul Tangling up all your good fortune Bearing the heart of the fall You won't break it after all”

Dirty Projectors - 5EPs This is silly, incautious conjecture on my part, but Dave Longstreth feels like he's putting in the work of redemption. I was close to writing him off after the arch bitterness of 2017's self-titled record (a break-up album that was nauseatingly heavy on the arrogant self-righteousness), but 2018's Lamp Lit Prose did a lot to re-interest me. Its smile felt forced at times, but its melodies and rhythms were undeniable: reminders of why I was invested in this asshole in the first place. This year, Dirty Projectors put out five separate EPs, the first four each with different lead singers, then everyone coming together on the fifth. It feels as though Longstreth is making a conscious effort to bite his tongue, to clutch his micromanaging hand under the table, so that everyone else can have a chance to breathe and actually enjoy being in this band. The result is a collection of songs with a really pleasurable lightness: not the tortured and perfectionistic Artistic Statements that Longstreth's been prone to over the years, but a pigeon's glide, a coin's flash -- a less ponderous engagement with Longstreth's peculiar musical gravity. It's a lovely bunch of songs even without this projected-on story about Longstreth's personal growth, but try as I might, I can't not hear that story.

Phoebe Bridgers - Punisher

Ambient soothing aside, life's complications still exist, and Phoebe Bridgers is the queen of them. She's the only musician who seems like she thrived in quarantine, somehow cotton-candy-swirling all this loneliness and introspection and yearning and 'fuck it' into an album that feels miraculous and inexhaustible. Punisher is without doubt my favourite album of the year. It's anxious, funny, miserable, and sly. It's a dog-shaped helium balloon majestically floating into the stratosphere. I can't say enough good things about the production side of it, which maintains this perfect illuminated-manuscript balance of enhancing the text/song/scripture without ever overshadowing it. At the centre of it, though, is a songwriter who's figured out how to make every song its own entire world, keening and quaking in resonance with whatever you're going through. This has been a shit sad year, and it’s been a lot better facing that with this album than without it. No question, Phoebe was the year’s MVP. 

[vagrantblvrd]

I’m like. @miss-ingno had the gall to plant an idea in my head regarding the androids in ~space AU, and then this? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Jeremy’s this promising soldier from one of the outer colony worlds, right? Got caught up in the fighting when it came to his home planet and when it moved on he went with it. (It’s how things work, when you sign on with the military.)

Left his family and friends behind – those that survived the years of fighting – and did his best not to look back.

His unit got sent into a fight they didn’t stand a chance of winning and he’s one of the few who made it out (mostly) alive.

Was going to be out of things for a while thanks to his injuries, necessary physical rehab if he hoped to regain his mobility and such and was brought to a facility.

Big shiny thing smack dab in the middle of nowhere, edge of an asteroid field or something like that. Minerals and such in the floating hunks of rock out there that played merry hell with sensor readings and the whole damn thing spread out across several hubs.

Weird that it looked like you could isolate entire sections, maybe jettison them from the main assembly if there was a safety issue/breach, you know?

But it’s an old science research hub that’s been repurposed under new management, so no need to worry about that

Really.

That said, they bring him and a handful of people in similar situations there because there’s a researcher there, you see, a Doctor.

Only one, they’re told. Everything else is used as a forward base/medical facility these days since it’s so far out. (Hand on heart.)

Can work miracles and paranoid about her work and too valuable not to humor, or so they’re told. She’s come up with incredible new techniques and therapies and whatever else that might get them back on their feet faster and since the military’s put so much money into Jeremy and his fellow soldiers as it is, makes sense to try to salvage what they can if possible.

He and the others signed a contract, you see, and several years left to it and a whole lot of money down the drain if they can’t fight for them anymore, so.

It checks out as far as Jeremy’s concerned, worried about being able to send money home to his family to help them rebuild what they’ve lost until their planet recovers financially. (Won’t be like it was, but better than it is and worst case scenario enough to move somewhere better, last resort and all.)

Some nights Jeremy gets restless, wanders the facility as far as his security clearance allows him. Recreational floors and viewing stations where he gets to stare out at the asteroid field, watch the cargo shuttles and ferries and whatnot beetle about between the hubs.

Workers out on maintenance checks and minor repairs, flitting here and there. Scuttling across the surface of the hubs and connecting access ways/tubes.

Goes down to the gym and trains with one of the generic robot frames. No personality to them, just core programs and protocols and impersonal as hell.

Great for the times you know what you’re doing and just need a sparring partner or spotter or whatever, and Jeremy jokes about having a favorite, right? This older model, scratched up paint job that looks like it might have been around since the place was commissioned. (Or maybe the facility was built around it, whichever.)

Anyway, one of those nights he runs across this guy, right?

Skinny fuck running around like he knows he shouldn’t be where he is and all that, and Jeremy is like !!! because he knows there are a lot of people out there unhappy with the situation with this war(s) and the military and all that. That this used to be a top sekrit, hush hush facility where Questionable Things took place.

But then the company behind it got a new CEO and so forth and so on – there was a whole Thing about it over the news and such – and they’ve moved in a new direction since then. Been transparent about things best they can and totally on the up and up now, cross their hearts and hope to die and all that.

Still a lot of suspicious people out there, though, you know?

Lot of cargo transports and all that in and out of the facility that one of those suspicious people might be lucky enough to sneak in on. Either pretend to be someone they aren’t or manage to stow away, however the hell they want to approach things.

(Shit happens, Jeremy should know.)

So he follows this guy for a while, just in case.

Ready to call on security if he proves to be a problem but from the way the guy’s acting he doesn’t think he will be?

Just.

Sort of wandering, keeps rubbing at his neck every once in a while, but he’s wearing layers and has this hooded sweatshirt on and Jeremy figures it’s a nervous habit of some kind. Self-soothing and all.

Realizes that for all the wandering the guy’s doing he knows the facility, might be support staff or something with a guilty conscience and a bout of insomnia. (Doesn’t go near restricted areas and such. Just the lounges set aside for staff and patients and so on.)

Jeremy’s about to give it up, go back to his rooms and call it a night (whatever), but that’s when the guy notices him?

Clearly startled by the yelp and way they almost fall on their ass. (Weird gesture as he flings his hand out in warding gesture before falling on his ass, coughing and choking and hissing? but whatever. Reflexes can be weird, weird things in moments like this.)

Jeremy just stares at the guy who has this annoyed look on their face and Jeremy tries not to laugh but the whole situation is ridiculous, right?

Still, he helps the guy up and introduces himself after he apologizes for startling him.

And Gavin – because of course it’s Gavin – introduces himself right back.

Kind of annoyed still, but amusement’s slowly creeping in and they laugh about it and kind of wander around a bit. Chat about nothing because it’s like being a kid again before the war hit his home planet and he used to sneak out with his friends to run around just for the fun of it.

Gavin proves he does indeed know the facility because he lets Jeremy in on a few secrets, little ones.

Conference room where they forget to clear out the pastries and whatever other baked goods are brought in for the duration because they always think someone else will get it and then just...forget because projects and vidcalls and all sorts of things.

How to get into That One lounge with the best view of space around them without setting off alarms or anything troubling like that. The one not cluttered up with asteroids where you can see forever. (Or as far as your eyesight will let you.)

Have to detour through this one maintenance hallway to do it, though, but it’s not a security breach because the area outside this part is monitored as hell and the only way to get there undetected is from the inside, which lucky they already are and don’t worry about it, security will get ‘round to fixing that blind spot one day. (They’ve been saying that for years though, always something more pressing to see to first.)

Other little things like that that baffle Jeremy because kind of a big security risk???

Gavin shrugs, odd little smile because he’s not wrong, Jeremy, but people here are more concerned about trouble coming from the outside rather than the other way around. (Something about the way he says that, twist of bitterness to it Jeremy doesn’t really get? But it’s there and gone before he can say anything and not his business anyway, so. Yeah.)

Eventually they have to part ways – Gavin looking a little !!! about it before he runs off like he’s got a curfew or something, and Jeremy more huh about it because weird?

Doesn’t think much of it for a while.

Runs into Gavin from time to time on the nights he can’t sleep, amused at the fact Gavin’s the only one in the facility he’s met that he actually looks forward to seeing, in a weird way?

Like.

The people in charge of his rehab are nice enough, but they’re careful to keep things professional and he does the same because otherwise awkward?

The other soldiers are caught up in their own stuff and some are friendlier than others sure, they’re just not friends.

Gavin, though.

Different.

More and more so as time goes on and Jeremy notices little things about him. Frustration and this bitterness/anger simmering under his skin that he’s so, so careful to hide most of the time?

But some nights he’s too...tired to hide it.

Looks pale and drawn, tired, and the handful of times Jeremy tries to ask him about it, be a shoulder to lean on the way Gavin’s been for him Gavin deflects. (Sometimes more skillfully than others, but he always deflects.)

Will, though.

Ask random questions. Weird as hell all of them, some troubling. (Usually just bizarre though.)

And then!

Something happens.

An accident, something, and one of those hubs that can be jettisoned?

Is.

Just.

Atmosphere vented and bulkheads sealing it off and Jeremy and some of his fellow soldiers get to watch it burn/implode/explode whatever on viewing screens or through the view-port in one of the lounges.

Alarms and klaxons and voices on the speakers directing everyone to remain calm and head to designated safe areas while the staff get everything on lock-down until the emergency passes.

One of the hubs where the seriously injured soldiers are taken to recover. Quieter and all that, not as much activity to agitate them while they heal. (No visitors allowed, because reasons and Jeremy and the others are weirdly, guiltily relieved about that for reasons they can’t quite admit to themselves.)

Except Jeremy, okay.

Something is weird, he fucking knows it.

Slips past his fellow soldiers doing as they’re told and runs to that one lounge Gavin showed him how to get to that first night, right? Perfect view of what’s going on and with everyone in crisis mode they won’t notice if anyone’s down there.

Gets to see it all and realizes something is...off.

Couldn’t say what, but it’s there in the back of his head as he heads back to where he’s supposed to be afterward. Gets strange looks from the others who noticed him running off, but again, whatever.

He goes wandering later that night. Back to the lounge he’s not supposed to be able to get into and Gavin’s there.

Staring out the view port, hand at his throat and this distant look on his face. Isn’t startled to see Jeremy there when he clears his throat in an effort not to startle him too badly, but it’s obvious Gavin knows he’s there.

Gives him this little smile – wrong – and asks if Jeremy saw, earlier. (Did he?)

Flashes of light that didn’t match up from what he knows of the kind of accidents like that. (Accidents, ships under fire, one and the same from a different point of view in war sometimes.)

Other things that got snagged on the way out of being dismissed at seeing just another tragedy out in the black, cost of going where they don’t belong because humanity as a whole is so goddamned stupid about that, aren’t they?

See something like the vast endlessness of space and think, challenge accepted, and watch us, and never give up because they’re so fucking curious and wild and reckless with it.

Gavin sighs when Jeremy doesn’t give him the answers he’s looking for – doesn’t know what those would be, but Jeremy’s still working through what he saw himself.

Gavin shrugs and changes the subject and it’s awkward and strange and something shifts that night Jeremy doesn’t realize at first.

He doesn’t see Gavin too much after that, and times he does Gavin’s always tired.

Out of it, and sometimes there are bruises, burns. Bandages. Gavin waves it off, tells Jeremy it’s just.

It’s the way things are – work, maybe? - and Jeremy’s too wary of annoying the only one here worth talking to into shutting him out to push too hard.

And then, and then.

Gavin stops showing up altogether.

Leaves this little hidden message for Jeremy he finds a few weeks too late.

Gavin telling him he’s being transferred or something, got a job to do and it was great to meet you. Take care of yourself and watch your back when they send you out to fight again because Jeremy’s improved in leaps and bounds, hasn’t he?

Good as new, or nearly there and ready to go back out and fight a war he doesn’t believe in any more than he did when he signed up but back then it was to protect his home, his loved ones, and now -

Well.

Now.

Jeremy stashes Gavin’s message away in his belongings and makes sure to bring it with him when he gets shipped out not too long afterwards.

Fights in battles across God knows how many planets for a while there, scrapes through somehow and barely notices when the fighting hollows him out bit by bit. Pares him down to the soldier they’ve made him into, killing machine and look at him go, would you?

Gun in his hands and armor on his back and indistinguishable from the men and women fighting at his side, on and on, look at them go.

But then there’s another unwinnable fight for him, land mine or mortar and on his back in the mud and muck, blood on the outside where it has no business being. (Doesn’t even hurt anymore, and God it’s so quiet. Cold.)

Stares up at stars he doesn’t recognize and waits to die, but no, no, not today. Rescue squad plucking him out of the line of fire and to a field hospital, and from there back to a facility somewhere.

(Swears, swears, he sees flames before they lift him out of that war zone. Strange, odd. Cold as anything and purple as they wash across the battlefield, aimed at the enemy refusing to give ground even now, but he’s lost so much blood by that point no chance any of it was real.)

Middle of nowhere in a system he doesn’t know the name of. (Lost track a few back, to be honest, but that’s fine because it’s not his business knowing as long as he knows which end of his gun to point at their enemies, pull the trigger, and repeat as necessary.)

“Didn’t think I’d see you again,” Gavin says, wry little smile and tired.

Probably here when he shouldn’t be, but there’s something in his eyes that says that’s a problem for later as he watches Jeremy.

Too tired, hurt, to be much of a conversational partner but Gavin doesn’t seem to be looking for that at the moment.

Just sits there, thinking and thinking and thinking.

Things he wants to say but never gets the chance to because this woman, the Doctor from that facility where the two of them met comes into Jeremy’s room.

(He saw her once, back then. No-nonsense. Brilliant, to be sure, for all things she’d done to help Jeremy and those like him, but. Cold.)

Studies him for a moment before she looks at Gavin who sighs, gets to his feet and follows her out without looking back. (No goodbye this time.)

Jeremy gets doctors in and out after that.

Headed for a full recovery, but he’ll be out the rest of his contract.

And then?

And then.

That Doctor comes back to see him.

Looks at him like he’s not what she was hoping for and has to make do, and offers him a...it’s not even a choice, just.

Something.

A program, and chance to be on his feet faster than conventional medicine might allow, think on it. (Clock’s running, tick, tick, tick.)

Jeremy thinks on it, pain from his injuries and rehab in his future. Another facility somewhere else, grueling rehab therapy sessions and no combat pay to any of it. (Scraps to send home instead of the scraps and a little more he was able to before.)

When she comes back a few days later he says yes, and doesn’t think about what he’s signing away when she brings in all these documents for him to sign, Gavin at her shoulder and eyes shuttered.

Gets loaded on the same transport they take back to that facility from way back when. Passed through security areas he was never allowed in before. (Missing section where that one hub was and Gavin’s eyes flicking towards it as they pass, steps faltering for just a moment.)

They put him in a room, nice and simple.

Plain.

Guard on the door – precautions, they tell him, but don’t tell him for what – but he’s still too tired to question it.

Days out of surgery and sleeps more often than not. Can’t do much with the program he’s signed up for until he’s healed enough to stay awake on his own longer than a few hours.

Gavin pops in once or twice, never long though. (Stolen moments, favors wheedled out of the guard on Jeremy’s door and things Jeremy can only guess at for the scant time they see one another.)

He sleeps through most of Gavin’s visits, guilty about it, but Gavin just smiles, laughs when he tries to apologize. Calls him ridiculous, and God’s sake, Jeremy, worry about yourself.

Eventually the Doctor comes to see him again, still displeased but she explains what he’s signed for, just a bit.

All this alien tech just laying about here and there all over the galaxy, you know? (Because of course.)

No knowing what happened to the aliens who created it, but goodness, there’s just so much.

All these applications if they can be reverse engineered – clumsy, stupid humans and that curiosity of theirs, wild and reckless – and sometimes they can.

Sometimes.

There are a few such things here in this modest little facility in the middle of nowhere, and Jeremy?

He’s their newest guinea pig.

He’ll need new augments and implants – small ones, nowhere near as invasive as the ones they gave him when he signed up to fight a war – to interact with them, though. (That’ll come later, once he’s medically cleared for the surgery to receive them.)

And then!

And then he gets to learn how to use them, figure out how they work.

Training rooms properly fitted to take the abuse, and she shows him this video, you see.

Gavin in one of them and these combat training frames. Big, bulky things with heavy armor, shiny factory finishes scorched and burned. Melted in places, and the Gavin on the screen holds his hand out in the same way he did that night they met.

Only this time a gout of flame shoots out of his palm.

Purple flames, so guess Jeremy wasn’t imagining it back there in his delirium as the dropship took off in the middle of a battle.

Back of Gavin’s palm lit up like circuity, glowing violent purple like his flames, and when he closes his hand in a fist the flames die down. Show the combat training frames twisted hunks of metal, floor around them alight with purple fire that slowly flicker and go out.

“What - “

See?

No worries about how reinforced the training facilities are here if they can handle that.

Jeremy doesn’t sleep well that night because what and how and what the actual fuck did he get himself into now?

The medical doctors give the all-clear for his augment/implant surgery a few weeks later and Jeremy swears he sees Gavin’s face before they put him under.

When he wakes up everything is different.

Well, probably not, but it feels like it.

The augments/implants they gave him are...different.

Majorly, massively different.

Like they’ve carved out this space in his head, cavernous like those places he saw in holovids where Things Lurked and they warned you to stay away from.

To allow him to interface with the Things he’ll be working with, and it’s.

Unnerving. Unsettling.

His hand itches, muscle and tendons and ligaments moving around the implants there – more, of course – because the Doctor and her people have made advancements since the early days of the program.

Back when test subjects didn’t directly interface with them, had to go about like primitive apes using sticks to poke at things.

He’s told he’ll be able to call up/project what they call abilities through it the way he saw Gavin do.

No telling what it will be because different people have different affinities, so that’s a bit terrifying, not knowing what to expect. (To be honest, all of this is terrifying, but too late now.)

He heals. Goes through rehab to get him to “healthy enough to undergo the rigors of the initial interface” and barely sees Gavin in that time period.

Sent out to handle conflicts and other problems that crop up that require his abilities or training, and no time to slip away to see Jeremy even for a moment.

And then, and then.

He gets discharged from medical, given a private set of rooms.

Bit more luxurious than the ones he had here before, but only just.

No guard on his door, but all this security around the place he’d wonder at if he didn’t know how borderline legal some of this is. He’s dumb, not stupid. (Maybe it’s the other way around?)

Either way.

They bring him to a lab, show him this gadget.

Looks like a little chip, card he might have slid into his old implants but...more. (Shinier, maybe.)

Click it into place and wait and welcome to hell new test subject, congratulations on that one.

Because all that? It goes just fine, doesn’t it.

So much so they toss him into one of those specially reinforced training rooms. Go down a long corridor and through airlocks and other such fun things, and did they mention? That can be jettisoned too, if things get ugly in there, have fun!

Jeremy looks down at his hands, one with the shiny ship, the other with the shiny implants and in for a penny in for a pound or some bullshit.

Quiet before the storm (ironic, that thought of his) before he clicks it into place.

Feels the implants and everything else they buried under skin and tissue warm up – imagination or something more – sees it light up.

Feels something eeling through his mind, an Intelligence to it, foreign and alien and curious. Confused. Alive, because the Doctor and her people didn’t so much reverse-engineer as butcher.

Took what was found and cut and shaved and carved until it fit (more or less) the shape they wanted it to be, became something they thought they understood. (Smarter than them, though. Hid itself and let them hack away until they were satisfied and learned to show them what they wanted to see.)

Quiet little voice in the back of his mind, whispering to him in a language he has no hope of understanding. (Yet.)

And curious, frustrated, it pokes and prods and finds those implants in Jeremy’s hand. Recognizes them, like you do things in a dream sometimes.

Jeremy lifts his arm, opens his hand and lightning shoots out of it and that’s the beginning of the end.

They have him in that training room day after day for hours.

Learning to use his new abilities, that he can fucking fly as well as shoot lightning from his hand and where this is supposed to take him next he’s afraid to think about. (That day on the battlefield and purple flames headed towards the enemy and what, he doesn’t think, what will they do with more people like them out there? What happens to them when the war comes to an end?)

Eventually Gavin comes back from where they sent him, and of course, of course, the Doctor and her people think it would be smart to pit them against one another.

Simple training exercise and Gavin’s expression twists at that, but he steps into the training room all the same.

Meets Jeremy’s gaze, eyebrows raised and Jeremy thinks about that voice in the back of his head, how that alien language sounds more and more familiar with each passing day, closer to English. (Or maybe not. He doesn’t know.)

Wonders if Gavin has a voice in the back of his head too, but then he doesn’t have time to think because there’s a gout of fire coming at him and Jeremy reacts instinctively.

They fight (spar) until the Doctor is satisfied and calls a halt to things.

Gavin and Jeremy both exhausted and pushed past their limits and no clear winner. (He’s sure Gavin was holding back, and God knows he was because – Because.)

Gavin gets brought in to help him train, and admits to Jeremy he sometimes has trouble controlling his abilities. Fire and its nature and maybe other factors but he shrugs uncomfortably and Jeremy knows, knows Gavin has something whispering to him too.

Neither of them mention it though. (To each other or the Doctor and her people.)

They get downtime in between too, and Jeremy.

He learns that Gavin’s parents were scientists too. Worked for this company, you see. Stumbled on these ruins, once upon a time. Found this.

Lab?

Something like it, and these devices and it’s a long story, but Gavin was a kid at the time. Went with them when they were stationed on the planet to learn what they could and this.

He calls it an incident, laughs this odd little laugh as he looks down at his hand, strange scar on his palm with a matching one on the back of his hand like something went straight through.

Idiot kid poking about where he shouldn’t have and alien tech and it’s a long story, Jeremy, you can probably guess at what happened though, yeah?

Because Gavin and the Doctor and this facility. The purple flames. Everything.

No mention of what happened with his parents, and Jeremy doesn’t ask. (...No.)

Anyway, anyway.

They train and train and train, and then send the two of them out to deal with a particularly troublesome conflict somewhere.

Jungle planet and rebels and resistance and enemy forces dug in and they’re supposed to uproot them.

And they do, because what choice do they have?

Get dropped behind enemy lines and it’s horrifically one-sided what happens out there, Gavin blank-faced through it all and Jeremy realizing why over and over again as they get sent here and there and everywhere.

After a few months of that they’re brought back to the facility just as Jeremy’s on the cusp of understanding the voice in the back of his head.

Military officials and executives and a presentation. (Mission briefing.)

Pair of rogue androids and this cover story that doesn’t add up, no matter how hard they try to make it.

Accounts in the files they’re given that don’t match the story they’re being told but it’s not theirs to question, is it?

Hunt them down, they’re told, or else.

(Because, because, because. Jeremy’s family and loved ones, and Gavin’s – Jeremy doesn’t know what they’re holding over his head, just that it’s enough for Gavin to go along with it.)

And anyway, he thinks, anyway.

They’re just androids.

Takes them almost a month to catch so much of a whisper of where the androids ran to after the bloody scuffle on some backwater planet/colony.

(Strange, you know. All that blood and enough bodies to account for it, but more leading to the hangar where there was a ship hidden away and all of their people accounted for, so where did that blood come from?)

Catch the combat android by surprise, and while its first reaction seems to be to engage them, it doesn’t.

Just.

Cuts and runs, drops the packages and parcels its holding and darts into the crowd in the marketplace they found it in.

Fast as hell and agile, but it’s an android.

Stands out no matter how well it passes, and they track it easily enough, run it to some dirty little alley because they had access to all this intel on the place and memorized routes and the whatnot.

It clearly couldn’t get access to an updated map of the area and took shortcuts and the whatnot that simply don’t exist anymore. (Construction and growth and all that.)

There’s...a fight.

Fast and brutal and Jeremy gags as Gavin heats his flames, the time the android gets Jeremy on the ground, metal fist under synthetic flesh aimed for his head and Gavin yelling Jeremy’s name in fear, and the android makes this noise that sounds like pain as Gavin hits it in the side,

Controlled burst, meant to knock it back, off Jeremy and dangerously close, but they heal fast these days, don’t they?

The android snarls and for a moment Jeremy thinks Gavin’s attack wasn’t enough, but it turns and runs when faced with both of them, and Gavin -

He checks on Jeremy instead of pursuing.

Brings him back to their ship to do what he can for him.

They lose the androids, get a dressing down when they report back about the incident.

And then they go hunting, again and again and again, and all these close calls and encounters that keeps them chasing after the androids.

Jeremy doesn’t ask Gavin why he pulls his hits, and Gavin doesn’t ask Jeremy the same.

Voices in their heads, Jeremy thinks, and all the things he’s being told because, because, these things they’ve got in their heads are old. Have seen so much and know corruption when they see it. Know evil deeds.

And did Jeremy know, did he, he’s not the first test subject to be given this particular device?

(There was one, not too long ago. Incompatible, or maybe just too scared about the voice in his head and an accident that wasn’t, entire hub filled with lightning and thunder and jettisoned and the crews that went in after. Cleaned the mess up and picked up this twisted lump of metal to extract a chip that sat in a lab until they found someone else to give it a try?)

Eventually, though, eventually Jeremy and Gavin talk.

Because only so long they can chase these androids running towards something without talking about why they’re not really trying to catch them, you know?

And Gavin.

He’s been with the program and the Doctor and her people for a long time. (Since he was a kid, the Incident.)

Raised in one lab or another (watching his parents work and then an object of study himself after the incident and the Doctor) and this voice in his head for years.

Friend, partner, whatever.

Helping him with his abilities but there’s only so much it can do because Gavin’s a special case, you know? None of this tampering the Doctor and her people did, no. He’s got the original in his head, under his skin and emotions play a major part in how he uses them.

He’s learned how to control it (mostly) but he slips, here and there.

Wasn’t much of a problem, but then he met this little idiot, you see.

Convalescing soldier he met one night, gave him a right fright and lucky Gavin didn’t hit him with a blast of flame from his hand or they might not be having this talk, so think on that, would you Jeremy?

And, see.

The Doctor is a bit ruthless in the pursuit of science, because science.

Knew she was losing her grip on Gavin, that he was getting ideas and all these abilities that would have made it easy for him to finally, finally escape, but then this little idiot in Jeremy.

Easy, Jeremy hears in his head. Listen.

So he does, because he owes Gavin that much, doesn’t he?

About Gavin and this little idiot he met, befriended. (Living, breathing weakness where Gavin hadn’t had one before, too perfect not to be exploited. And it was.)

Gavin sent to handle matter when the military ran into a situation it couldn’t handle without major loss of life on their side, but someone like Gavin?

Well.

Easy enough to send him in, isn’t it?

Over and over again and always that little idiot to think about.

And then Jeremy went back to war himself, none the wiser.

Gavin still got sent out to fight someone else's war, and it could have gone on like that forever until a certain planet and a certain battle and Jeremy bleeding out in the mud and muck.

An opportunity, for the Doctor and hers, and maybe, maybe, way to get back at Gavin for thinking he could escape so easily.

“Christ.”

Gavin’s bitter laugh, because yes.

And then, and then.

Jeremy and his device and the training and now this matter with the androids, and did Jeremy know, did he know?

Gavin hears his share of gossip, you know.

The Doctor’s people who think he doesn’t care about things like that but they get bored, restless, and they talk. The soldiers he’s surrounded by who don’t give him the time of day but talk to their fellow soldiers.

All those little secrets Gavin showed Jeremy about the facility and a lifetime in places like that. (His own life and the lies that go with it.)

Of course he wouldn’t trust blindly they were being told the truth about these androids, and Jeremy please, don’t tell Gavin you bought into it?

Because something is going on, and these androids are part of it and, oh, Jeremy, this is the chance of a lifetime.

Jeremy thinks about his family and loved ones, thinks about the Doctor and her people. The military officials and company executives and this horribly complicated mess and the goddamned androids they’re chasing after. (Voice in his head he’s learning to trust despite all logic because it hasn’t steered him wrong yet.)

“I. Need to do a thing first.”

Warn his family, loved ones and hope that’s enough, because Gavin’s right.

Too much going on to ignore it, when he knows about the program they’re caught in, that the Doctor and her people hope to expand things. Pull more people into it, mass produce the device they handed Jeremy somehow, and what then?

What then?

So.

He sends a message home, and they put in a good show of chasing the androids until he gets a message back.

Laughs, because this could go so badly wrong on him and he’d lose so much, but Gavin’s right, isn’t he?

They can’t pretend they don’t know, can’t do that anymore.

Chase after the androids, but now, now it’s for a different reason.

Fight and fight and fight because the androids are desperate and running scared, but eventually, they get the chance to talk.

A whole lot of a lack of trust, but that’s to be expected and they have to work to earn it, but at least they get that chance, you know?

Michael and Ryan paranoid and wary and Jeremy and Gavin accepting it as their due, and then Matt and the idiots he’s working with (for?) and it’s.

The chance he and Gavin were looking for, and maybe something good for all of them.

[silyabeeodess]

FusionFall Headcanons: The Toiletnator

The Toiletnator’s role as the adult ambassador was given to him more-so just to get him out of the way.  He can be a bit of a hindrance and even sabotage the Fusion Fighter’s work by accident.  Nevertheless, he means well. 

His placement at the Camp Kidney base was to primarily get him out of the way of the war effort, but also get his help maintaining the outhouses there.  While most Fusion Fighters shun him or keep him far away from their work, they appreciate that he keeps the plumbing in order.  As frustrated as the Toiletnator himself is about the position, it would be a nightmare task no one wants to deal with otherwise.

He wants to be brave, but he’s a coward and a bit of a whiner when push actually comes to shove.  He won’t fight against fusion monsters unless he has to--although he has set a few traps, which typically backfire in some way.  

He can be good for morale when given the chance--or at least act as someone to vent back and forth with.  If you need someone to talk to, he’s pretty much always good for a conversation.

Any kind of positive feedback can easily win him over.  No one really listens to him, even with his role as an “adult ambassador,” so he’s glad when people do give him a chance.  

The “ambassador” role wasn’t total a farce. Father knew the Toiletnator before he became a villain, the latter having worked for him at Evil Adult Industries.  Although he loathes what other’s become, viewing his current-self with the utmost disappointment/disgust, he also knows that--at least to a point--the Toiletnator’s capable of managing himself and others.  Father still thinks he’s pretty useless now, but who knows: Maybe the war will knock some competence back into him.

Believe it or not, there are actually a few Toiletnator nanos.  However, like their original model, they’re pretty ineffective and accident prone.  They’re mostly used to push back against fusion matter infections using an Antidote ability--particularly when there are high concentrations of it in the air.  Still, they remain in the development phase at large.

Although the people in the nano project begrudgingly work to see if they can be improved, the Toiletnator is proud of having nanos of him at all.  It’s the one thing that’s really made him feel like he’s contributed to the war effort.  He’s never seen one in-person, but it would thrill him if he ever did.  He’d want to be a role model for them.  

According to “Operation: H.I.S.T.O.R.I.E,” the Toiletnator is Numbuh 4′s uncle.  Similar to Father and Numbuh 1, the two largely ignore this family tie and keep up their heated “rivalry.”  However, unlike Father and Monty Uno, the Toiletnator actually enjoys spending time and regularly stays in touch with his brother, Sydney Beetles.  Sydney’s asked the Toiletnator to look after Numbuh 4 for him--because, as far as his family knows, he’s staying with his uncle to “help them connect”--but they still don’t have much of anything to do with each other.

People were actually glad when a Fusion Toiletnator was created.  Although he’s more of a threat due to the influence of Fuse’s hivemind, he’s enough like his original counterpart to cause trouble on their side of the conflict.  

[quietdaysco]

Primrose Path - Devlog #010

November was very productive! This month was NaNoWriMo, or “National Novel Writing Month”. This is typically a challenge to write a 50,000 word novel during November that a lot of writers and authors choose to do (with varying levels of success). All that creative energy definitely spurred us on this month with our own challenge!

Check out our progress report:

Main Game Progress

Writing

Common Route:

Rough Outline: 100% ✓

Revised Outline: 100% ✓

Draft Script: 50%

Word Count: 79,506

Scenes: 50* /100

*Scenes are counted when they are ready for internal review, qualifying them as complete for the first draft.

We’ve finished 20 scenes this month, which means we’ve completed 50 scenes for our first draft! We’re halfway done! That’s a total of nearly 80,000 words so far, and these numbers are only going to get bigger!

We haven't been without a small hiccups, but it looks like we’re slowly writing more and more each month. We’re eager to keep up that momentum.

Take a gander at some of our favourite unrevised snippets from this month: 

PRIYA: Morning, hotshot. PRIYA: Wow, you look like you woke up on the wrong side of life... PRIYA: ... then fell out of bed and onto two fists. One for each eye.

The tall blonde woman folds her cards and rises from her seat in a huff. SAMSON: (Chuckles) Clearly, you don't share your wife's sense of humour. She rolls her eyes, throwing her bag over her shoulder. AMANDA: Pipi, we're leaving. As she leaves, a small Pomeranian jumps off from Sam's lap and scurries behind her.

PRIYA: Are our readers interested in intimidating, towering thug dad vibes? MC: Are you? PRIYA: I watch hour-long videos of a buttery-voiced Russian narrating a tournament between elephant beetles in captivity. PRIYA: I am not the majority of our readers.

With her grasp firmly on me, I pull her out of the crowd. Her prim and proper appearance, a little more disheveled. MC: That wasn't so bad, right? LEIGH-ANNA: You're insane. MC: Y'know, people do say that.

If this is the kind of content you like to see, we’d love for you to jump into our Discord server! We occasionally share much longer unrevised excerpts and discuss the game in much more depth with our community.

Behind The Scenes

Concepts

This is a potential face concept for auto and tech CEO, Samson Opeyemi. We’re trying to work around a few face refs, so as well-rendered as this sketch may be, we’re eyeing a few other facial structures. 

Are you a fan of any of these? Let us know! We love to hear from you guys, and your support can have a direct influence on our design decisions. We want this to be something everyone enjoys.

Real Life

Coda’s been contracted for a sequential artist position with an animation and video game studio! Getting some industry-level experience on creating and managing production materials is nothing but a boon for the team going forward. She believes this will strengthen her composition and scene directing skills, which will help make Primrose Path and other projects going forward much more engaging.

A Short Break

The holidays are here, so we’ve decided we're gonna take it a little easier this month! Our next update will be at the end of January, as we settle down for the festive period and college finals. Self care is important to us, so we make a conscious decision to try and achieve a more balanced lifestyle. We're far from perfect, but we encourage everyone else to do the same.    We hope to see you in 2020 with some big changes! ♥

We’re focusing on monthly devlogs for our Tumblr, but we have to ask: Are there other kinds of content and updates you folks would like to see here? We want to know! Shoot us a message in our Ask the Devs inbox here on Tumblr, or hit us up on Twitter, Discord, and Lemma Soft!

Socials

• Micro-updates on Twitter!   ♦ Factoids with Greyson!  • Writing Progress on GitScrum! • Live art development on Twitch! • Art logging on Instagram! • Ask us anything here! • Continue the discussion on Discord! • Master thread on Lemma Soft!

[isagrimorie]

I was listening to School of Movies discussion of Jessica Jones and it occurred to me while listening that the first season of Jessica Jones arc was very similar to the OMAC Project arc except in Jessica Jones we see the fallout of Kilgrave’s mind control while in the OMAC Project, we never actually see the fallout.

To backtrack a bit: Max Lord (yeah that guy) went on a crusade against superheroes, killing Blue Beetle and then mind-controlling Superman into attacking and almost killing Batman and then ordering Superman to kill Wonder Woman. 

Diana tries to talk Lord down but nothing could shake him.

Then after battling with Clark and realizing it was futile, Diana returned to Lord, wrapped him in the Lasso of Truth and demanded how to free Superman from his control:

And he answered, “Kill me.”

So she did.

I remember what a furor that caused back then but then as now (and I wasn’t even following the Wonder Woman comic back then), I thought she did the right thing especially with the clear and present danger where he’s using Superman as a weapon. 

And I thought Bruce and Clark were annoyingly too self-righteous during the whole thing. 

In Jessica Jones we have Jessica doing the same thing with a man capable of exerting the same total mind control powers as Max Lord except Kilgrave inflicted it on a lot of regular people and we as the audience were allowed to see the aftermath. 

And when it became clear that the law won’t be able to help and nothing  Jessica did to subdue him put a stop to Kilgrave, she killed him.

Diana and Jessica did what they had to do especially when all other avenues were explored and they realized there was no way through but killing Lord and Kilgrave. 

It really is interesting to me how it seemed like both women had a similar antagonist and resolution, because really, how else would anyone face an unrepentent person with mind control powers, who went on record they will commit the same crime again? 

Unfortunately, for Diana that was just the beginning of her problems because Lord’s Big Brother AI system broadcasted Wonder Woman killing Maxwell Lord without any sort of context, destroying Diana’s reputation.

(And her two best friends started acting self-righteous at her. It was annoying then and its still annoying now). 

[tunggadewdew]

Message for the future me

This was my starting point after I finished watching the entire seasons of the movie ‘The Good Place’. Self-warning recognition.

I started with a lame review, suggesting myself that the film was not worth my time. Junk movie I should delete from my list – which is full of a meaningful story like Midnight in Paris, Before Sunset, The Age of Adeline, Game of Thrones, Mindhunter, Westworld, Pride and Prejudice, Shoplifters,  etc. etc. etc. Then I spent another boring week without anyone or anything can cheer me up. I lost my circles. Everyone who takes me for who I am, but not ‘entirely me’. Type of friends who told the right thing to you, not just saying that you were ‘ok’. Circles of motivation and pushing me to do everything I could do to make a better version of myself. Long story short, I kind of lost them, we are not in the same continent anymore. But it does not mean than we are not friends anymore, it was simply hard for me to talk to someone by text. It does not deliver the real feel I want to express, vice versa. So, I am killing my time by watching a movie. Lots and lots of movies. Ehm, oh, research? Oh, I often forgot, oh yes, something I must finish.

Coming back again to The Good Place. The second after I run the final episode, I directly summon up words that I knew I must write. While it is still fresh from the oven, and it might help the future me dealing with the mortal world.

Ok, in general, The Good Place tells us about humanity, ethics, morals, and love. Something that human is capable of: changing. Either maneuvering in the bad direction, or good direction. But sometimes, it is the ‘Mighty power’ who set everything into the red path. Just like me this morning, when trying to sneaky peaky avoiding sensei, voila! We met in the hallway. Anyway, humans are a pity. We are trap in a bunch of uncomfortable situations. People are mean to each other, just to cover their love and acknowledge dried longing soul. Pretty much of all cases I have found, we hate people because of their actions towards us, because of responding to what we have been done, because they doing something, and so on. At last, we found ourselves in a position where no one is willing to make the first move because we are afraid of getting hurt. Because behind every sarcasm joke, or fake laugh, there is always be a lonely injured feeling need to find real happiness. Yes. That is what we all are seeking in this crazy shitty world. A glimpse of true happiness, which, in my opinion, does not exist. At least in this world I knew (read: earth). Real shit that I know is jealousy, backstabbing, drunk, capitalism, exclusively, fake friends, dirty surgery, war, rape, murder, etc. etc. etc. But maybe, we are just doing all those long lists of sins because we give up on doing something good to improve our ‘life quality’. Or perhaps only God has graced us with the most deathliest but greatest gift ever: option. Back when Adam and eve still in heaven, God give the opportunity for them by putting The Knowledge Tee grow next to them. He does not even bother with protecting it in the most bottomless cliff in Mariana trench or put some sophisticated army to guard every living thing coming close to the tree, or I do not know, not make a Knowledge Tree, because He is God. He does not have to eat the tree just to make him know everything, He already is, and yet, He did grow the tree and place it within humans reach. Maybe He likes to give his project a test drive. Or maybe He is just boring I do not know.

Nevertheless, true happiness is real, at least that is what holy people say. We will find it in the afterlife, as long as we do not end up in hell. I personally, like to believe that happiness is real. I can feel it, I am addicted to it, yet I do not know whether it is true or not. For me, just happiness. Joy feeling every time I saw someone, I care to feel joy. Joy after I did something remarkable. The joy of success. Or maybe just a joy that I could just sit and breathing – something that we all should thank for –  in which I never understand until, a monotonous moment of happiness, is total boring. 

Most all the time, issues are what make people invented something. If we did not die cold or overheated than cloth was will never be invented. If we do not get sick, then health insurance will never become an incredible business, which will return the employee much higher income, which will bring happiness to their friends or family. If we do not get hungry, maybe the restaurant will be bankrupt forever, worse, they will not even be created. Etc. etc. etc., so many other examples, even the simplest matter around you, like nodes in the wall, acne, hormones, alcohol, drugs.

The problem is, those problems will make us happy if we succeed to over through it, but on the other hand, it can make your life miserable if you fail. It has always been two sides of a coin. Because it completes each other. If you saw too many lights than that is a total black that you see. Sometimes in a perfect arranged system, a bug is something that makes it worth it. A ferocious ruthless cold-blooded evil villain is who suited a mighty superhero, without each other, they were just a talking minded meat.

Nobody wants to be tangled in a stage of emptiness, FOREVER, but also nobody wants to suffer forever, or laugh too much until your jaws feel like they want to break apart.

Nobody has the right answer. Including how The Good Place ended. Whops spoiler alert. Not even me, who just realized that I have wasted so much time just to think of philosophy and this fucking narration I have typed so long. Yet. Something that I know. There is me, and there is now. And there is reality. And there is family. And there is an option. And there is time. You can get motivations everywhere around you. You can even choose your ex who is now someone’s dad, or lovely happy husband. Or just maybe a dead dung beetle, or literally anything. As for me, family and friends are what is important in my life. All my achievements will be excited only I if share it with them, and that is what I would like to fuel to get happiness in my life.

Nothing is worthless. It is all just a matter of point of view.

You can choose your own combinations. Because you have options.