#total page count on google docs? a little over two.

[iiboronii]

YOUR MINDDDDDDDDDD I LOVE THE WAY YOU THINK YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND. Every time I see you worldbuild it's so magical. It's Onceler theorist summer and I'm LOVING IT!!!!!

Now for my commentary on the confneection building because of COURSE I’m enthralled by this. Before we get started, I’m super sorry for how long this post is </3 I got carried away thinking LOL. 

Unfortunately the link to the actual blueprint isn't working for me (it be like that sometimes), but I assume it's this post of Mr. Onceler's blueprint? Shoutout to Miru for still being here after 12 years btw. (AND YES WHEN HE’S BRAINSTORMING HIS PLANS??? <33333333333)

I cannot believe that man created an ENTIRE building for thneed based foods. Or just sweets maybe? In the 2012 version, that man is a FIEND for sweets, so I wouldn't be surprised if he just wanted to eat thneed based sweets and therefore made a whole building about it. Since thneed treats of all types were available in the 1972 version, I'm going to assume they were available in the 2012 version, too, and that the confneection building was named because Onceler was like "ooh look at my creative wordplay!"

I NEED to know how thneed food is made so bad now that you bring this up. Do we think truffula tufts are edible raw and unprocessed and just not very tasty? Or do we think they HAVE to be made into thneeds (much like how stinging nettles have to be cooked/heated in some way to become safe) before being consumed? What about the process of making a thneed turns it into the perfect base for making foods? SO MANY QUESTIONS-

The amount of processing a truffula tuft needs to become edible reminds me of the organic chemistry synthesis experiments I've had to do (some are sooo beautifully simple, while others had me in the lab for an extra 30 minutes). Where do we think a thneed falls in a range of "it's easy as pie!" to "I'll be working late tonight" in terms of making them edible? I imagine the process is truffula tufts -> thneed (edible but not flavorful) -> thneed based food (edible and yummy, like the Onceler burgers and whatnot). Maybe they’re sold to restaurants wholesale, too, just like a restaurant buying other ingredients. So then we’ve got the confneection building for specifically Onceler made treats that come out of his factory, and then we’ve got other places putting their own spin on edible thneeds. That is, until he buys them out and they’re now just another Onceler owned chain. But then that begs the question, can normal people turn thneeds into foods? Or is it too complicated? “Try it in soup, it adds great zest” from the 1972 version of Everybody Needs A Thneed implies that it’s possible, but do we think they’d be easy for the average person to make? Does it depend on the recipe? As for what a thneed on its own tastes like, I think you're spot on with it being absorbant of other flavors and not having much of a taste on its own. Like I said earlier, "It tastes like bread without the crust" 100% makes me think of something that doesn't taste like much on its own. I imagine it being like pizza or bread dough, relatively tasteless until something flavors it. You can sure eat it, but it's so much better when you have something else with it or when you've done something else to it. And as for the texture thneeds look hairy and are made from truffula tufts so part of me HOPES they're processed to be... Less hairy before they’re made with the intention of being eaten. Maybe they'd be good for cotton candy if they're not processed to have a more palate friendly texture? The thought of what citizens of Thneedville are doing with parts of the truffula trees for food is SO FASCINATING TO ME. Butterfly milk extract as a new flavor IS SUCH A FUN THOUGHT???? I want to see people slowly transitioning from vanilla extract to butterfly milk extract. And I've been wondering about truffula fruits FOR FOREVERRR YOU GET ME <33. Because that in itself IS edible y'know? Imagine the profit the business could make by just selling truffula fruits. I imagine that they became like coconuts in the grocery store (seen as fancy and not an everyday fruit, but accessible nonetheless). People were probably making truffula fruit pies and hoping that they’d turn out good because if not then they just wasted a slightly uncomfortable amount of money. I’ve had the idea of truffula fruit perfume of some sort for awhile, I imagine it smells like butterfly milk. Or maybe the fruits smell different and more... Fruity? THNEEDBLR IS TAKING ME OUT BTW,,, I will be thinking about Thneedblr for the next eternity. I’m sure there were people making those blog recipe posts where they tell their life story and how the recipe came to be before posting the ACTUAL recipe. And back to the idea of vanilla extract being phased out for butterfly milk extract, I can just SEE people googling “butterfly milk extract substitutes” after reading one of those recipes and seeing vanilla extract appear as the top substitute. Some food snobs are probably like “there’s a veeeery slight difference in flavor" and don't shut up about it.

AND OF COURSE I HAD TO READ YOUR POST AND EVERYONE'S REPLIES ABOUT THNEED FOODS. I'M SO IN LOVE WITH EVERYONE'S THEORIES EVERYONE COME JOIN US FOR ONCELER THEORIST SUMMER!!!!!!! I loveloveLOVED the thoughts on greenwashing. I can see how the PR people would spin this into a "you're saving the animals!" narrative and I love it (not the greenwashing but the worldbuilding aspect LMFAO). Everyone in the confneection building would be hard at work trying to make thneed ice cream completely dairy free, just so that they’d be able to make claims of their product being vegan. Since you mentioned ice cream earlier, I feel like somehow the thneed would BECOME the base? I don’t know I’m not all that knowledgeable about ice cream making, but I think they’d find a way to do it. With enough money, anything is possible!

As for the last post you linked to, I SHARE THIS PERSON’S THEORY ABOUT TRUFFULA FRUIT PERFUME. WE ARE ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH I LOVE IT HERE. I’m all for the Onceler using every part of the tree for profit. It’s all about profit but I’ve always held the belief that it’s best to use the whole resource if you can, so I really like the idea of the Onceler and his employees trying to find a use for every little part of the tree. Thinking about the trees being endemic??? Ohhh how devistating. Imagine not only getting blamed for the failing of an entire ecosystem, but wiping out a species of trees in their entirety. It's almost too painful to think about. AND HOW DARE YOU LEAVE THIS IN THE TAGS????

Here's a clickable link to the jars post those that want one (if anyone still happens to be reading). He's such an interesting man. Alcohol next to the cookie jar is SENDING ME LMFAOOO. AND THAT'S 100% TRUFFULA FRUIT SYRUP AND JAM IDC WHAT ANYBODY SAYS. His kitchen makes me think sooo hard. If thneeds didn't make it big he'd try and win his family's love by becoming a baker. Maybe he tried while at home but his family was unsupportive as always!

SORRY THIS WAS A WHOLE ESSAY but I had a LOT of thoughts about the Onceler and the confneection building. I could talk forever. So yeah in conclusion thneeds are yummy and everyone should eat them! :D

WAIT IIBORONII DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE CONFNEECTION BUILDING IN THE ONCELER'S BLUEPRINTS BECAUSE I'M SO ILL ABOUT THE POSSIBILITIES OF THE CONFNEECTION BUILDING-

ALSO just the fact that thneeds are canonically both edible and smokeable according to the 1972 Everybody Needs a Thneed song is amazing to me aksjfsdlkf

NO EXPLAIN THIS RIGHT NOW PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE CONFNEECTION BUILDING LORE IS,,, ALSO HELP THAT LIVES SOOO RENT FREE IN MY HEAD. Like I literally hear "try it in soup, it adds great zest!" in my head sometimes and I'm like "the thneed WHAT?????" And the imagery of someone smoking a thneed?? Priceless. Aaaaaah I love oncelerposting it's my favorite summer activity

[not-freyja]

LU Write-A-Thon

This our second monthly LU Write-A-Thon, spearheaded by @hotcheetohatredwastaken and myself, will run on July 1, 2024 from 12 am to 12 am GMT (7pm to 7pm EST starting June 30). There is one goal in mind with this event---write as many productive words within that day as humanly possible.

Originally a fun game amongst friends, we are now opening this up to the general fandom-body-public (and happily so) by popular demand!

The event will be hosted on discord, and the link will go out via a reblog/reply/edit combo on this post a few hours before the event starts.

We're so excited to have all of you come and write with us, and the event rules are right here blow the cut:

What counts as writing?

Writing fanfiction or original fiction, leaving or answering comments, outlining, drafting, storyboarding, personal journaling, and (writing) homework---basically, anything that furthered yourself, the LU writing community at large, or your stories with a positive word count, can be included in your final word count.

(Editing previously-written works can also be included, but only if it produces a positive word count, and only those new words may be counted. The goal is to get new words on the page).

What CANNOT be counted as writing?

General chatting, talking about already written works, etc, will not count towards your final word count. Words counted must, as previously stated, further yourself, the writing community, or your stories. This does not mean that you can't chat with your fellow writers---the ⁠⁠chaos-chat thread was created for such a purpose!---but the main goal of this event is to produce and engage in writing in one form or another.

What is a sprint, and what is the schedule for the sprints?

Sprints are (voluntary) periods of concentration in which writers will write as much as they can within a time limit, with some friendly competition to be the one with the most words by the end of the sprint. These will be hosted in the ⁠⁠sprint-bot thread. Every hour, the times :00 to :15 will be dedicated to a 15 minute rest, and then a 45 minute sprint will run from :15 to :59. Moderators will start the sprints periodically---writers can jump in as desired.

Do you have to participate in the sprints?

No. You can write on your own if you wish, just make sure to keep track of your total and only count what is written in the window of 12am to 12am GMT (7pm to 7pm EST) on July 1. Additionally, you can write in the suggested breaks between sprints, but again, make sure to keep track of your word count on your own then.

How should I count my words?

There are two main ways that you can count your words---using the Sprinto Bot in the ⁠⁠sprint-bot channel, or keeping track of them yourself. If you are keeping track of them yourself, especially if you're counting words other than fiction writing where your word count is easy to find, please take care to be as accurate as possible---you can use an application like Google Docs or Word to give you your exact word count, even if you have to copy and paste your ao3 comments into them to get it.

If you're handwriting, this gets a little bit rougher to calculate, but we'll encourage you to give it your best estimate.

We'll be on the honor system here: play fair, and report as accurately as possible.

Where/When should I report my words?

Final word counts will be reported in the ⁠⁠word-count-total channel. We encourage you to make ONE post at the beginning of the marathon with your word count; then, as the event continues, you can edit your post and update your word count there.

You can update your word count at any point during the marathon in the channel mentioned above---in fact, the breaks between sprints would be a great time. And once the event is over, there's a period of grace of up to 6 hours for everyone to get their word counts in, but no more writing is allowed during this time. After 6 hours (6 am GMT; 11pm EST), the thread will be locked, and no more additions will be made. So be sure to get your final count in as soon as possible, once the event is over (or even before, if you must dip early).

What if I can only write a little?

That is fine. We are going to be playfully competitive, but it is not a contest---it is a group project. We are using teamwork to make the line go up. Every word counts, and any amount of writing is a fantastic amount of writing. The goal is to do better than last time AS A GROUP, not individually. So do what you can, and be sure to have fun with the rest of us!

WORD COUNT TO BEAT: 88,978

[runicmagitek]

Hi there Runic!

I was wondering your opinion on using Scrivner to draft fics vs using Word? Like pros and cons? (Some of the articles online are so confusing! >//<‘)

Thanks so much for the ask, anon! And also thanks for your patience; I wanted to give this some thought, hence the wait.

I primarily use Scrivener and have been using it for a little over a decade. I also use Word during the final phase of edits. I'll list some of my favorite features of each one, followed by the cons.

Scrivener

Organizing a story in Scrivener is where it shines the most. For a longer story, you can break things down by chapter and easily move them around as needed. For me, I use a single file for all my fics and breakdown folders by fandom, then by ships. The use of status markers and labels and custom meta-data, while initially daunting, are also super great to flag what state your draft is in along with any other indicators you wish to use. For me, I like marking if fics are for an exchange or a gift for a friend. I've even customized the meta-data so I can plug in potential tags and ratings as I go!

Snapshots is a neat function that makes a copy of your current file. I use it with each new phase of editing, in case I need to refer to an older version. It's super easy to switch back and forth between snapshots, plus there's a preview to show what has been removed or added from the last version!

There are a ton of compiling options for when you wish to export your story as a Word doc or a PDF or even for epublishing. I don't use this too often, but I have lots of friends who do and it makes proper formatting really simple.

There is a focus mode that removes all the UI stuff and just shows you the words. If this didn't exist, I wouldn't be able to write anything lolsob.

You can set target goals for each document or even the entire file. And if you have multiple documents in a single folder with word count targets applied, Scrivener will add them all up and give you a total target estimate. Really handy for planning out how long your story will be!

THERE IS A DARK MODE THEME.

Word

The grammar/spelling checker is a lot more robust in comparison to Scrivener.

Sharing your Word document and sharing notes/comments with beta readers is a LOT easier in Word. It's similar to how Google Docs works with leaving comments, replying to each other, and marking them as resolved.

Copy-pasting from Word into AO3's rich text preserves the formatting, whereas I've had a lot of wonky issues going from Scrivener to AO3.

Text-to-speech, while kinda weird, is a godsend when I want to read out loud a fic before posting, but don't have the energy to do so.

If you have Word, you likely have a Microsoft subscription, which means you have access to OneDrive, which makes for VERY easy backups. Plus you can get Word on your phone and work off that and your computer seamlessly at no extra cost.

THERE IS ALSO A DARK MODE.

Hokay, now for cons.

Scrivener

Scrivener is not free. It is a one-time fee of $60~. That said, if you participate in NaNo and win, you can get a discount code (I believe it's 50% off?)

It was originally made for Macs, but then a Windows version was developed. The team behind Scrivener is very small and it took… forever to get the Windows version up to speed with the Mac version. There are still some differences between the two, but thankfully both versions are on the same page. Jumping off of this, there is an iOS version, but no Android version.

If you wish to back up your Scrivener stuff, you can only really do that via a Dropbox account. Also, I believe it's not possible to open the same file on different computer types. So if you have two computers (one Mac and one Windows) and want to open the same file on both, it's not really going to work. In my experience, I've also run into issues getting things to sync and open when using two Windows computers. So if you're planning to bounce around different computers/laptops/etc., definitely keep this in mind.

On top of that, for every device you want Scrivener on? You need to pay for that.

Scrivener has got one hell of a learning curve, too. I've been using it for so long and am STILL discovering new ways to use it. It can be intimidating, even after you go through all the tutorials.

Word

This also costs money, but sadly is not a one-time fee AND you need to invest in a bundle plan instead of just getting Word. Home subscriptions range from $70 to $100 a year, depending if you're getting it just for yourself or for your family/friends to use too. For me, I use it with my boyfriend and we use all the programs a bunch, so it works out well for us. This might work for you too if you're interested in having access to things like Excel and OneNote and cloud storage. But if you just want Word, that's not really feasible.

I haven't experienced this because I've stopped writing novel-length stories in Word, but I've heard from friends that the program slows down after 30k words or so, which is unfortunate and frustrating.

Furthermore, you can't really transition from file to file in Word as you can in Scrivener. You'd need to manage the folders on your computer outside of the program.

Word isn't really designed for book formatting. You CAN do it, but it takes some extra work on your end to format things accordingly, whereas Scrivener has a bunch of built-in features to help with that.

Microsoft is A LOT bigger than the Scrivener team, thus there are frequent updates. And because of that, you need to perform more updates to the program and might even need to reacquaint yourself with features and UI changes.

I hope this helps! Regardless of which program you wish to use, I hope it goes smoothly and you have a blast writing your stories on it!

[pixiemage]

5, 17, and 43 for the fic ask game!

[For the Fanfiction Writing Ask Game]

Three questions??? You spoil me! <3 I think I'll need a Read More for this one my friend xD

Hahaha! Ha! Ha.

Many. So, so many.

I have a bad habit of starting projects and not finishing them, so I have a plethora scattered throughout my Google Docs files that are anywhere from multiple pages of unposted fic, all the way down to single-sentence unused prompts. Sometimes I left them behind because I lost motivation, sometimes my hyperfixation shifted and I (sadly) couldn't focus on that fandom anymore.

But let's see...uh....I glanced through my older stuff first just to see. But for now I think I'm just gonna count what I'm either actively working on, or what I wish to continue when my motivation returns...because if you counted all the abandoned WIP's I've gathered over the years, I think the number would be close to 30, and I don't want to list them all up here. (Maybe I'll drop it at the bottom of this post if you're curious***)

For one, I have two IronDad fics I plan on finishing: one that's a shorter Mafia AU that's 2/3 complete, and a much longer (and heftier) multi-chapter fic that has been awaiting a new chapter for over a year I think. A Little Late On The Blood Work my beloved...I'll come back when I get inspiration again 🥺💞 I also have an old Jacksepticeye Egos fic called #SamLives that I've been wanting to continue for ages but haven't, along with a Night at the Museum fic (Jedtavius) that I at least need to finish the current arc for because the comment section is sad.

And MOST recently I've got a bunch for Hermitcraft/Empires/Traffic Life that I'm in the process of actively writing...which I believe add up to a total of six?? I think? THREE are partially posted/being updated (Through a Crack in the Void, Domino Effect, There's Not a Word Yet), and the OTHER three (two Team Rancher, one that's literally Every Ship Under The Sun With Some Found Family On Top) aren't gonna be on my plate until I finish some of the other ones.

17. Do you have a writing routine?

Not really! Usually once I get an idea, I just - jump in. If I get stuck and want to skip something just to keep the writing ball rolling, I'll throw one of these in the middle of the page: ASDJNAKFBEKAJBA ...and just leave it for later. It's bold, red, and easy to spot when I'm scrolling through a long document, which is nice! It helps make sure no blank spots get missed in editing! (I also red-dye words, sentences, or paragraphs I'm feeling shaky on, so I can spot them easily and come back later when I get a better idea to fix it.) And if I decide to completely change a section I'm writing, I'll often copy the original version, paste it at the bottom of the doc in case I decide to change it back, and turn it a pastel color so I don't confuse old versions for the current text.

I also sometimes make calendars on Excel/Sheets if I really wanna keep track of time, and I often have a separate (and somewhat disorganized) doc for Notes on my longer fics. There's also a document where I write down potential lyrics options for There's Not a Word Yet chapter titles, but that's the only time I've done that for a fic.

43. Is there a trope or idea that you’d really like to write but haven’t yet?

I feel like someone asked me this a while back, so I've definitely thought about this! But honestly? A mystery or a time-travel fix-it...which I am well aware are two VASTLY different tropes lmao.

I've always been envious and in awe of well-written mystery/detective stories, because so many little details go into them to make them work. I'd love to build one of my own someday, but I have yet to find the right motivation to do so.

As far as time-travel fix-its go...they're just...they're so fun to read, because I love to see how one little change can affect an entire timeline (see also: Domino Effect) but they're also a LOT of work to write because it involved basically retelling a story that's already been written but in your own words and with a twist. Somehow writing something fully original comes easier to me than trying to build my writing around something else that already exists. But god I'd love to have the motivation to write one of 'em anyway! It'd be fun to decide how everything changes all because of one little difference in choice :3

5. How many WIPs do you have?  What fandoms/pairings are they for?

Hahaha! Ha! Ha.

Many. So, so many.

I have a bad habit of starting projects and not finishing them, so I have a plethora scattered throughout my Google Docs files that are anywhere from multiple pages of unposted fic, all the way down to single-sentence unused prompts. Sometimes I left them behind because I lost motivation, though most times my hyperfixation shifted and I (sadly) couldn't focus on that fandom anymore.

But let's see...uh....I glanced through my older stuff first just to check for this hah. But for now I think I'm just gonna count what I'm either actively working on, or what I wish to continue when my motivation returns...because if you counted all the abandoned WIP's I've gathered over the years, I think the number would be close to 30, and I don't want to list them all up here. (But I'll drop it at the bottom of this post if you're curious***)

For one, I have two Marvel/IronDad fics I plan on finishing: one that's a shorter Mafia AU that's 2/3 complete, and a much longer (and heftier) multi-chapter fic that has been awaiting a new chapter for over a year I think. A Little Late On The Blood Work my beloved...I'll come back when I get inspiration again 🥺💞 I also have an old Jacksepticeye Egos fic called #SamLives that I've been wanting to continue for ages but haven't, along with a Night at the Museum fic (Jedtavius) that I at least need to finish the current arc for because the comment section is sad.

And MOST recently I've got a bunch for Hermitcraft/Empires/Traffic Life that I'm in the process of actively writing...which I believe add up to a total of six?? I think? THREE are partially posted/being updated (Through a Crack in the Void, Domino Effect, There's Not a Word Yet), and the OTHER three (two Team Rancher, and one that's literally Every Ship Under The Sun With Some Found Family On Top) aren't gonna be on my plate until I finish some of the other ones.

(One of them is a cute 5+1 one-shot about Tango calling Jimmy "buddy" and Jimmy learning that "buddy" has a lot of different meanings depending on how Tango says it and who he's saying it to. The second one is an extension of a one-shot I already posted called Coming, Coming Home, where S8 HASA!Tango crash-lands in the mesa outside Tumble Town, and like - yeah. Yeah. I'd love to continue that one. And the LAST one is a Double-Life-based Witches/Familiars AU that started as Renchanting Duo and has since extended to every member of the Life series and even some Hermits.)

***ALL THE OLDER FICS I HAVE YET TO COMPLETE: I've got one for Doctor Who, a handful for JSE Egos - #SamLives - one for Night at the Museum, one for Encanto. Six for Marvel/IronDad (including a Mafia fic, a SPN AU, a Peter-gets-shot and Tony-goes-dad-mode hurt/comfort, and A Little Late On the Blood Work which as I said I'm just longing to get inspiration to return to). A witch/familiar Supernatural AU fic and an SPN time travel fix-it that I barely started. There's a TangoTek one-shot I've abandoned featuring his rage moments from both LL and DL. I also have an old fic from high school for a game called Ib that I'd love to revamp someday...and my Original FanFic that started it all, which was for Harry Potter, and I was like 12, and it will never EVER see the light of day. My god. It's...it's rough.

[anyawritesthings]

My NaNoWriMo Takeaway

Intro

Now that Nano is over, I want to take some time to reflect on my experience and share what I've learned and what helped me cross that finish line, as well as updating you guys on what this means for me and my writing journey.

The Numbers

Total Word Count: 51,500 words

Total Page Count: 164 pages

Chapters Completed: 9.5 chapters

Days Spent Writing: 30

Overall Progress: Act one is finished, and I made a little progress on act two. Some of the biggest chunks of writing that I did, though, were backstory, which I'll get into next.

Getting Through Nano

I'm a plotter, so the biggest challenge that I faced this round was not having a completed outline. I know, shocking, but I had only fully outlined act one of this book. Being a full time student with a part time job, it just wasn't possible for me to get the whole outline done in time for Nano. I tried to push myself to get there, but I ended up feeling burntout.

My solution? I didn't write chronologically. I wrote some of act one, then wrote some bits of act two that I had floating around in my brain, but one of the biggest chunks of writing I got done came from writing a ton (and I mean a ton) of backstory. Writing those scenes provided a needed break from the main story and ended up giving me more ideas for the project! This ended up being my lifeline. Without writing backstory, I definitely wouldn't have hit my word count for the month.

Plans for This WIP

For now, I'm putting my first draft on hold while I finish my outline. I want to fully outline book one, as well as do some rough outlining of the next books. Once I have that, I'll finish my dumpster fire of a first draft (hey, any progress is good progress), and for my second draft, my plan is to just start a new google doc and completely rewrite it. I'll probably take some chunks of my first draft that I like and weave those in, but for the most part the first draft will just serve as inspiration/a rough map of where I want my second draft to go! The first draft was a chance to word vomit all of my ideas out on paper, and now that I've done that, I have more room to actually write a cohesive draft of this novel.

Closing Thoughts

Nano was stressful this year, to say that least. Juggling school and work with writing was more difficult than I thought it would be, but I'm glad that I pushed through and got a decent amount of work done! That said, if you didn't reach 50k this year, or didn't complete your word count goal in general, you didn't 'lose' Nano. While I love Nano, their usage of the words 'winning' or 'losing' aren't the most encouraging. Any progress is good progress, and sometimes progress takes time. Even if you got no writing done this month, you and your life and your mental health come first. Regardless of how your writing went, I'm proud of you, and I'm cheering for you all. much love <3

[reverse-moon]

How Reckless (Intruality) ═SOULMATE AU═ || Sanders Sides Big Bang 2022

By Artist_Hope; beta read by @edupunkn00b and @kaythegay2022; art by @dystopiagnome and @im-an-anxious-wreck

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

AO3 Link!!

Chapter: 4/4

Chapter word count: 1436

A total of 24 Google Doc pages, at 12 size Times New Roman font and ×2 line space.

Janus was walking out of the cafe when he saw a relatively short man recklessly cross the road. He figured it was a local who just knew the timing but the second he saw another man following the short one, he moved closer with a bad feeling. The auburnet looked down the street, seeing a car speeding closer. Without really even thinking, he dropped his cup, pulled the ravenet out of the street and held a hand on the man's waist to keep him close until the car passed. "Jackass driver…"

The man he saved blinked a little, before letting out a sigh of pure shaken relief and what seemed to be an instinct of putting his hands on Janus'. "Thank you…"

Janus went to say "you're welcome" when he saw his crazy Soulmate mark glow a bright dark blue. Similarly, the man he had just rescued seemed to have a yellow glow coming from where Janus' hands were through his top. "Did I really just save the man who's supposed to be my soulmate? Is that really how this is gonna start?" Janus asked no one in particular, but clearly not talking to the man in his arms.

Logan blinked as he stared at the man holding him. "You're telling me… I looked like an idiot for a first impression." A sigh. "I promise, I am not normally that unattached to reality. I was merely worried about my friend."

Speaking of, Patton was working on dashing back across the street. "Oh my god, Logan, are you okay?! I'm sorry for running off, I'm so out of it today—"

"It's alright, Patton," Logan insisted, before turning his attention back to the auburn-haired person. "As my friend just told you, my name is Logan. Logan Nyx…" He said, feeling his cheeks warm as the slender framed human continued to hold him.

Janus blushed himself, noticing Logan's blush and helping him stand properly before letting Logan go. "Janus Drake. Nice to meet you, Mr Nyx…" Where they had been holding each other was currently still glowing as Janus looked at the back of his hands. "Talk about a showstopper… Saving your soulmate from a driver who needs brain repairs."

Logan nodded, trying to cover his glowing shoulder with a hand. "It definitely makes for a good start on your end…"

Patton blinked, moving over to Logan and lifting his shirt and sweater up just enough to see his Soulmate mark, causing a small grumble from the professor. "Wait… You also met your Soulmate today? That's so cool!" Patton dropped the shirt and smiled brightly at Logan.

Janus blinked. "Also?"

Logan sighed and nodded, trying to calm his cheeks. "My twin brother, Virgil, also happened to meet his Soulmate. He's off with them now before starting a late shift at his job. Or one of them I suppose." He sighed. "He's working at a bar and some weekdays at an art supplies store."

"Ah, I see," Janus hummed. Then he realized something. "Did you say your friend's name is Patton?"

Logan blinked. "Yes…? Why?"

Janus moved over, gaining his normal confidence as he wrapped his arms around Logan. "Well, my own friend happens to be looking for one Patton Morgan. How exciting~."

Logan blushed again, willing to play along with this suave version of Janus. "I see… Where is this friend of yours?" Logan asked back in a flirtatious tone.

As these two exchanged information, Patton tuned out for a few seconds then turned around. "I'm out."

Logan looked annoyed. "Patton, get back here." Janus snorted.

"No, no way, I'm not doing this. You're being all lovey-dovey with him, Virgil ran off with that… That red guy and I really don't feel like being a 3rd wheel!" He said, carefully crossing the street again and turning to look at the two. "It's just not happ-"

He grunted as he bumped into someone behind him, turning and frowning a little. "Sorry…"

The taller person in front of him blinked. "No, that's my bad. I'm trying to find my brother and wasn't paying attention-"

Patton rubbed his arm and sighed. "I-If you're sure…" He moved aside and walked off.

The guy watched Patton walk off, before looking at his phone. "There's no way," he muttered as Logan and Janus approached.

"Hm…" Janus moved closer. "Apologies, Remus, but you seem to be having issues believing." And with a swift movement, Janus pinched Remus' arm harshly, causing a wince from the tall green clad cop and the man who walked off. “Let me help you out.”

Remus looked at the small human, wide eyes. Shooting a look at Janus, he spoke. "A) Fuck you, Janus. B)—" Remus turned back to the guy walking away and ran up to him, being wary of where Janus pinched. "Excuse me, are you Patton Morgan?"

“Y—yeah,” Patton turned to the stranger, pulling his hood up. "Why…"

The stranger smiled. "I'm Remus Duke… Uh, your Soulmate…" He rubbed the back of his neck as if he was nervous.

Patton blinked at the taller guy. "A-Ah… A-And you can prove that…?"

Remus thought for a moment, before showing the most recent scar to their collection — the gash on his arm. "I have a few other scars too… One near my ankle, one on my stomach…"

Patton wasn’t too sure how to feel, besides a little worried and put off by Remus being so open with old wounds. After all, finding his Soulmate was good! He had a chance to get rid of this connection! And yet…

Remus was definitely not what he expected. This Duke was sort of weird and he didn't really seem to mind talking about his wounds like they were a trophy or something. At least, he didn't seem to have an issue with them. He also gave Patton the vibe of someone not loyal at all. He wasn't quite sure why, but perhaps over-hearing him say "fuck you" to what he assumed was a friend was it. But overall, he just couldn't get a good read on Remus.

He watched as Logan and Janus walked up, smiling. At least they moved to just holding hands… "I get it," he exclaimed to Remus, hands moving up in a defensive motion! "We have the same scars and stuff…" Patton bit his lip. It wouldn't be right to not get to know Remus… Right? After all, wrong first impressions happened all the time! "We're, uh… We're having a movie night tonight at our place… If you wanted to come, we could make it, like… a Soulmate party?"

Janus smiled. "Does that invitation extend to moi?” He asked in a tone Patton could only call sultry, looking at Logan and humming as he waited on an answer.

Logan rolled his eyes, though he did seem to be smiling. "Yes, it does. I know Virgil will most likely have extended it to his Soulmate and we already had two others joining us if available." Logan smiled more confidently at Janus. "Besides, I would like to get to know you more."

Remus gave a smile. "Can my twin bro come too? He's kinda lame at first, but he grows on ya."

Patton gave a forced smile. "I don't see why not. Logan can give you the address, I'm going to go home and nap… Excuse me…" Logan opened his mouth to offer Patton a ride home, or maybe walk with him. He didn't really stick around to find out, just saying goodbye with an added "Just really tired!"

Once home, he took a few deep breaths and moved to his room. So much for sleep, he thought, groaning. He moved to his incense, a present from Virgil for his past birthday. Most of the scents were calming ones, though he did mention one of them had a healing idea or something. Either way, Patton set up his pure lavender ones, lighting 3 of them and groaning more.

The short man laid face first on his bed, sighing. He at least tried to sleep, failing for an hour and a half or so before rolling onto his back and pulling his phone out. Patton hopped on one of the discords he was on, seeing a call already going on. After asking if he could get advice and getting a sure from everyone, he hopped into the call.

"Heya, Patton," exclaimed a very energetic feminine voice. "You doing okay?"

Patton let out another groan, longer than the other two.

Another feminine voice, a calmer and more timid one, spoke up. "That… doesn't sound good…"

"Emu, Kohane… I think I'm not gonna survive tonight."

[galaxythreads]

Since it is one of my favourite fics (as in the ‘you hate me’ scene has rooted itself like a boabab in my mind as one of the most hurt/comfort things I’ve ever read) I am going to ask for lore about ‘The Weeping Siren’/‘Blodig Skog’.

P.S. I really enjoyed the lore about Stygian.

OKAY. so this is like the FIFTH request I’ve gotten for the Weeping Siren. SO. I finally managed to pump this all out. IT took LITERALLY 3+ hours. @stars-and-darkness asked for this as well as long with several anons. 

If there is a scene I didn’t go over that you want me to, put the chapter number and the scene in my ask box and I’ll go over that as well.

Thank you for your interest <3 

Here we GO.

LORE FOR THE WEEPING SIREN <- link to story

VERY LONG LORE. 

The Weeping Siren has a Pinterest board , AND a Spotify playlist

the characterization of Sif and the Warriors at the beginning was based on a fic I read that I cannot find the name of, where the warriors were actively trying to gaslight Thor into thinking Loki a terrible person.

THIS FIC -- What the Woods Did Bring by GoodForBad -- and THIS FIC -- Over the Edge by j-mercuryuk -- were a HUGE basis for the plot of the Weeping Siren. I highly recommend reading them even if they're unfinished. FF.net has an app, my dears, and it is fantastic. No ads, you can download stories, and they keep a detailed history of every fic you read.

Yes, I am aware that the offical Norwegian translation of blood forest should be blodskog. Google translate told me bloody forest would be blodig skog, so that's kind of just what I went with.

Also the blodig skog means the bloody forest

originally Prince Tjan and his hearty crew were meant to be possessed by the Weeping Siren and take the Warriors and Loki to her. Things...didn't work out that way

This was the original first chapter outline, as you can see, it's VERY different from where the actual story started:  (highlighted where the fic starts now) 

font used for the story, finish date. I do not use Georgia anymore. You cannot convince me to upon pain of death, I hate it so much, lol.

total page count in Google docs: 195 (probably closer to 220 because of how weird Georgia is, discounting the bonus chapter from Frigga's POV)

actual date I finished it, without edits or the bonus chapter from Frigga's POV.

October 4th, 2019. 

CHAPTER ONE:

The story originally started with Prince Tjan arriving on Asgard. I hated it so much. I feel like I started this story in all the wrong places at least four or five times.

"Everyone knows that whatever blossoming romance between Loki and Princess Sigyn that had started when Alfheim came for its last peace treaty nearly a decade ago was squished when Loki smashed his fist into the High Princess's face for still undetermined reasons. Princess Sigyn, unlike the legendary patience she's famed for, had retaliated by tackling Loki to the floor."

^^^ I have no idea what this incident was.

---

"Loki is barely of age now, getting him killed or captured by the whispered creature of Vanaheim's forests is something Sif thought a mother would actively try to avoid."

^^ not even two pages in and we're already heavy on the foreshadowing. Lol. I can't remember if this was intentional or not, but I imagine so.

---

I've had a few people point out to me how this doesn't make sense that Frigga's hair is blonde. She dyed it to fit in with Asgardian culture better.

---

Thor has social skills. Thor knows when to keep his mouth shut. thor is a prince. Thor can keep his thoughts to himself until he's in the company of his friends. THor has --

---

Loki's opinions getting discarded or loudly talked over is a very common theme in this. Even by Thor.

CHAPTER TWO: 

“ Sif wakes up stiff and in a foul mood. “ -- I mean let’s be honest with ourselves, she’s kind of in a foul mood for half the fic. 

---

“Exaggeration, Loki does sleep, but in all their time spent together, Sif has seen him do it very little. He seems to find the challenge of running off of as few hours as possible exhilarating. Maybe he thinks himself above such meager things, she doesn't know, doesn't care.“ 

^^^ for the duration of this fic, Loki has bad nightmares. It causes a lot of sleep deprivation. 

---

OH MY GOSH WHY AM I USING SO MANY ITALICS. STOP. STOOOOOP. 

---

“The table is chipped around one edge, as if someone took a hard swing at it, but the rest has obviously been scrubbed down hundreds of times.” 

^^direct reference to this scene in Elementary season 5, episode 10:

“...one of the legs was loose, but uh, I fixed [the table up]. Refinished it. You can hardly recognize it, can you?” 

“...in a seventy eight year old murder I was trying to solve.” 

someone beat someone else’s head in with a knife, leaving chip marks. 

If you guys are beginning to notice that Elementary is referenced a lot in my fics, you are right! I love this series so much. 

---

“They aren't sitting together. Both their gazes are lifted up, hands still, and there's that gleam in their eyes that reminds her of last night. Sif realizes almost dully that it's not just Prince Tjan and his guard that carry that...thing about them.”

^^^ One thing that I never really found a place to explain and kind of disappeared half-way through the fic is that the Weeping Siren did enchantments on people. She would bend them to her will and this is why everyone seems out of it. She enchanted all of Ju into giving her what she wanted or looking the other way. Both of these people were parents of two of the missing children and they were enchanted to give their kids to the Weeping Siren. 

--- 

“Well. That's good to know now. A warning before hand would have been better. She'd been half hoping that the curse was an exaggeration.“ 

Dude. I forgot how much Sif drives me absolutely bonkers. YOU DIDN’T EVEN ASK FOR LOKI TO TELL YOU THE BLODIG SKOG HAS ILL EFFECTS. WHY DO YOU JUST EXPECT--

---

This is literally 

----

“ The food tastes hot, as it always does on Vanaheim, and she bites at her lip, quietly longing for Asgard's familiar spices “ 

^^^ I based Vanaheim’s food off of Mexico’s and Asgard’s off of England. So what Sif is tasting is Any Flavor At All. Actually, I based a lot of Asgard off of England because it is funny to me. 

The history of the nine realms can probably be described in this sentence: “Knock Knock, It’s Asgard.”

---

I am pretty sure this was an accident that it doesn’t say “It takes almost ANOTHER full five minutes”, but I’m not going to fix that because it’s very funny. 

---

^^^ THOR HAS POLITCAL SKILLS THOR HAS POLITCAL SKILLS THOR

---

^^^ the Weeping Siren’s enchantments. She was actually whispering to them. 

---

“ Scared that a Frost Giant will jump out and eat you?" One of the men in the guard asks, and Sif flicks her gaze up to find him in the crowd. No one sticks out. Her cheeks flush some anyway. “ 

^^^ Vanaheim and Asgard, I feel, have very similar political views on things given that Frigga is from Vanaheim. This includes their view about Jotuns. However, in the Blodig Skog when Loki is taken by his aunt and uncle, given that they grew up about the same time as Frigga, they know that Jotuns aren’t evil which is why they didn’t care. 

---

“ The Blodig Skog let them go. She doesn't know how she knows that, only that she does, and it unsettles her. “ 

“It took them days to find those tunnels. Thor wandered for months with madmen. The forest let them go. There's no other explanation. That wasn't them. “ 

“Thor shrugs. “My mother’s unrivaled persistence. my father’s tracking spells? Perhaps the Blodig Skog wanted to let you go.” 

The Weeping Siren chpt 2,  The Blodig Skog chpt 2. The Weeping SIren chpt 8. 

---

“ Loki hesitantly speaks up: "Prince Tjan, perhaps...we have had little success in our endeavours thus far to find the creature. I'm no stranger to sedir, if you would, perhaps, let me attempt a tracking spell, I could—"

Prince Tjan's drink smacks down on the tabletop, splashing mead over the rim. "Absolutely not! You'll get yourself killed like the other arrogant muttonheads who thought they could outdo the Blodig Skog's enchantments."

^^^ The reason they are so adamant against Loki using magic is, again, because they are enchanted by the Weeping Siren. She knows how effective using magic would be inside the Wood, so she does her best to not encourage that. If Loki had used a tracking spell to find the kids, he probably would have been successful. 

Of course there is the initial “the forest drives all the sedier-weilders mad” thing, which WAS A THING when I wrote the first one, it’s just that in THIS INSTANCE it was the weeping siren trying to scare Loki isn’t stopping. 

---

“‘So did they!’ Prince Tjan counters angrily, ‘I know the woods.’“

^^^ I know the woods, is the Weeping Siren directly speaking here. not Tjan. Wow I did a horrible job explaining this, with retrospect. I mean, it did kinda vanish away, but Tjan was absolutely possessed by this point. 

---

"This has nothing to do with showing off, cousin."

Sif's eyebrow lifts slightly. "Isn't it always with you?"

Thor kicks her foot under the table, and Loki glances at her. 

^^^ this is the only time Thor defends Loki in the story from the Warriors verbal attacks and that makes me sad. :/ 

---

Captain Yan leans forward, resting his clasped hands on the tabletop. "Tell me Master Fandral, how much do you know about tracking spells?"

Fandral's lip twists, "About as much as the next person. Once you've started you can't stop looking for the thing, unable to rest, unable to eat, yada-yada. Supposed to be one of the most difficult spells to master and used sparingly. Why? No, wait...are you really suggesting that every seidrmaster you've sent in there you've lost because they actually found the Weeping Siren?"

"We couldn't keep up with them." Captain Yan's jaw tightens. "Yes. We lost them, Master Fandral. Found the bodies of three of the five."

The numbers seem off. Sif remembers Captain Yan mentioning this a few days ago, but didn't he say something else?

what he said earlier: ( "Yes," Captain Yan assures, "but we've lost three sedirmasters to the Blodig Skog and killed two others. )

^^^ 

Okay. So. “The Blodig Skog killed two others.” What happened to all the sedirweilders in the fic the Blodig Skog is what happened here. That wasn't’ something I made up on the go. 

Actually, Benar--he lost his protection spell and transformed into the dragon on accident. 

BUT. 

The REASON Loki knew that Yan and Tjan were lying about the sedirmasters is because guess what? TRACKING SPELLS DON’T ACTUALLY DO THIS. Loki knows that. The Weeping Siren knows this. THOR knows this. 

THIS is why Thor was so quick agree with Tjan in kicking Loki off of the quest later in the scene. Not because Thor was being an a-hole and didn’t believe Loki, but because he was trying to protect him. He didn’t know what was up. If it was Tjan or if it was Loki, or if it was both of them. He thought maybe the Blodig Skog was affecting Loki because of the enchantment, but wasn’t completely sure. 

He just wanted to keep Loki safe.

Loki didn’t know that, and assumed it was because Thor didn’t trust him. 

---

Loki's head whips up to her, eyes heated. "Beg pardon?"

"You heard me perfectly." Sif promises, and then makes a disgusted noise as his expression doesn't flicker. Always so blank. How can he manage that for so long? Why does he?

^^ maybe, just a thought, because you torment him all the time for any other emotion? 

---

The keeper of the inn goes pale, "Bar yourselves in the building! No one leaves until it's gone!"

the Weeping Siren YET AGAIN making it easier for her to kidnap the kid. Everyone stuffed inside one place? Super convenient. 

---

Sif half expects Loki to free himself of the grip and move for the door—they don't have a lot of time—as Sif would have done, but Loki instead squats down in front of the woman and cups distressed mother's hand between both of his own. "Shh, woman, all will be well. We will find your daughter, I swear."

"Please," the woman gasps, "she's all I-I ha-have. Please."

"Dry your tears," Loki instructs, "Idrissa will be returned to you."

^^^

Despite all his frustrations and desire to strangle his party, Loki still takes the time to show this woman kindness. THIS is who Loki is, at his core. 

---

The Weeping Siren grabs hold of the child's arm and the two vanish in a lure of blue-ish light.

^^^ I doubt any of you have noticed this, but I try to make a point to have magic colors line up with the infinity stones. If someone is doing mind magic its yellow, if they’re teleporting it’s blue, etc, etc. Just because I believe the Infinity Stones are a lot more important to MCU until Endgame. 

---

Loki uses the clumsy response to someone hurting him right here (and all the time before this), when Loki says this to Sif in the Blodig Skog, she immediately knows someone did it to him and is unhappy. 

"Brother, what happened to your face?" Thor questions, tipping his sibling's head up so he can stare at the bruise. Sif feels nothing regarding it. Maybe she will later, but right now there's only an all consuming numbness. (Loki deserved it.) Her hand hurts.

"I tripped." Loki mumbles.

Thor sighs, "Loki. Will you ever learn proper footing? You're always falling or smashing into things."

(^^^Loki is not a clumsy person. 

This is from previous altercations with the Warriors, or their other peers, or even (on occasion) their parents. 

Thor thinks Loki is clumsy.) 

TWS chpt 2. 

..

"He tripped, Lady Sif." One of the girls murmurs. "He's clumsy enough as it is without wet earth to help with that."

Loki digs his nails tighter. It's beginning to pinch skin, but the pain is a relief.

Sif doesn't laugh, but a few try for hesitant smiles that fall quickly. The warrior's back is so straight it looks nearly painful. Loki doesn't know whether to stop her, or watch. It's the strangest sensation to him to not have to defend himself.

TBS chpt 1

..

Also reminder Thor had no idea what was going on and would have destroyed them if he knew Sif just punched his brother: 

TBS chpt 6

---

“ Loki's gaze lifts to Thor's face, a flicker of something she can't place washing over his features. “ 

^^ Loki wanted Thor to notice the bruise looked like a fist. 

He didn’t. 

CHAPTER THREE: 

"No." Prince Tjan doesn't bother to keep any irritation from his tone. "We're staying in the Blodig Skog from this point forward. That child is our biggest lead. We have an entirely new part of the forest to look at thanks to her. We can't waste time traveling to and from there anymore, we need to go deeper. Prepare your overnight packs, we leave in twenty minutes."

^^ The Weeping Siren decided that Loki was too much of a threat because he actually found her and has decided to kill him.

ALSO:

THIS CONVERSATION -- “ but I'd overheard my cousin and Captain Yan discussing a way to remove Loki." (chpt 9 thor to Sif) -- happened the previous night. 

---

“Thor, and Loki enter the tavern. The two siblings look as if they've been awake for a long time, but Sif has her doubts about that.”

^^ 

Thor was up all night trying to figure out what to do about Tjan wanting to kill Loki. Loki was up all night trying not to have a panic attack. 

---

“ Loki's face bares no signs of bruising, and Sif is both relieved and annoyed by that. “ 

^^ glamor. 

---

“ Loki's single, brief attempt to use sedir to track the Weeping Siren fails because there's apparently "nothing to latch onto". “

^^ the weeping siren’s hovel blocks all magic except her’s. Like Wanda and Agatha’s ruins in WandaVision. This is why Loki couldn’t find her. 

---

^^ the weeping siren needs consent in order to possess someone and their name. 

---

“But, as Sif suspected, their rations don't last past the third day. Well, "past" is a little too strong of a word, they're out before the evening meal. Prince Tjan has them come to a stop much earlier than normal and explains that they need to hunt, but someone needs to set up camp while they're gone.

And, thus leaves herself, Fandral, Volstagg, Hogun, and Loki in the clearing with the camping supplies as Prince Tjan, his guard, and Thor find food for the next few days. She's less than elated with this set up, but holds her tongue when Hogun kicks the back of her foot.“

^^^ 

AS THIS WAS HAPPENING, SO WAS THIS: 

“"No." Thor shakes his head. "Just benching him permanently. All the distinct details are fuzzy now, but I wasn't happy with it. I confronted him in the woods, and he and his guard attacked me."

"But everyone...we saw the bodies. They weren't killed by Mjonlir or another weapon." Sif argues, "He couldn't have attacked you unless...you didn't fight back."

Thor smiles grimly. "I couldn't. The creature found us and bound me by her word. Tjan pierced me with a blade here," his fingers lift up to ghost over his chest. Over his heart. Or near it, anyway. Too close. "And I was too focused on that to do much else. When I awoke, only Prince Tjan and two others lived. The details of what happened to soldiers have yet to be discovered, and I can't remember anything. I took Prince Tjan and the other two as my captives and we wandered in the Blodig Skog for a month before finding Ju again."

AND THIS: 

“ His leg begins to throb dully. Likely from the sparring session earlier, but he can't help but feel like it's mocking him. Remember, remember, it taunts, lest you dare think about forgetting. No. Never forgetting. The sensation of the Weeping Siren's sedir slinking beneath his skin as he writhed and then her wild grin as she clenched her fist and he felt the bone explode— “ 

(tbs chpt 2) 

The Weeping Siren broke his leg so he couldn’t run away. She wanted Tjan to kill him. Thor was a little too stubborn for that. 

---

Loki holds the older's stare for a long moment before his shoulders slump and he tugs his sibling's hand away from his mouth. "Fine. But come back."

Thor smirks patting Loki's shoulder. "When do I not?"

"You don't want me to answer that." Loki snips and takes a step back so Thor can mount his stallion.

This is the last time they see each other for 11 months. :/ And the funny thing about it is that IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PARRAEL because LOKI is the one who doesn’t come back later, NOT thor. 

---

^^^ This is where I started the story in the original draft. When i later planned out the fic, it got pushed back quite a bit. 

---

"Who wants to play, children?" it whispers. Its voice is still the young females. "Oh, I do!"

You know how they always tell you to have the first line a character speaks be signifcant? Yeah. Well. 

“No one wants to die alone either." The Weeping Siren's voice has changed to a nasally old woman's, and it's louder. Closer. Norns. "But alas…"

chpt 3 vs chpt 7

“ Sif's mind flashes back to the kitchen, standing in front of the counter and looking at the height measurements. Yei and Holland. The Weeping Siren's children of the womb. It's not a story for your ears. Bile rises in her throat as the pieces click in a horrid succession. The bones stare back at her, innocent of her thoughts.”

The Weeping Siren’s children died alone after playing when their father came to kill them. 

CHAPTER FOUR: 

“ Her shoes are missing, leaving her toes to face the cold in only socks. Her armor is also gone, leaving her in the loose shirt and pants underneath. It's cold. Something is wrapped around her left ankle, and an experimental wiggle of the foot reveals the cold metal of a chain. “

People are less likely to try and run away from a captor when they don’t have shoes. 

ALSO yes, this is a direct reference to the Red Room and how they made the girls chain their wrists to the bed. 

---

“ Sif's hands curl into fists. Her mouth opens without her consent, fully prepared for a rebuke, but Fandral beats her too it. "Hey!" his voice is hard. "Don't touch him!" “ 

None of the Warriors hate Loki. They tormented him, but after spending years and years with him, all of them grew fond in their own way. It just took something forcing them to swallow their egos for them to show it. 

---

“ Loki is squatted in front of one of them, Idrissa, Sif recognizes after a moment.” 

Loki promised Idrissa’s mother that he’d find her. So he did. 

---

"Loki, let me. You're exhausted." Sif says and reaches up for the child, but Loki's grip tightens.

"And you were vomiting blood." His tone is acidic, "I'm capable of doing something without your help, my lady." 

...

“ "Don't—" Sif starts and stops because correction doesn't matter. Loki is crying in pain. The Weeping Siren is making him cry because of pain. "What on the Nine do you think you're doing!?" “

..

“Sif snorts with disbelief, but clenches her fists. "You'll kill him. You are killing him. Aetheitin isn't meant for long term use, everyone knows that. You're going to kill him, and I won't let you do that. He's my prince...”

^^^ Again, the Warriors don’t hate Loki. 

Loki doesn’t know that. 

---

It's barely past midday on day six since their capture when a loud clap of thunder ripples through the air. Sif pauses the knife she's been sawing back and forth across several stalks of wheat to look up at the sky and scowl.

^^^ Yes. This was Thor. This is when Thor found their abandoned camp and realized they were gone. He was panicking. 

---

"Let me take it." Loki interrupts, and the room goes quiet. Sif lifts her wide eyes from her shield-brother to Loki, wondering if she heard that right. "Let me take it," Loki repeats, voice filled with more conviction. "Allow him the rest, and I will take whatever is needed so he can."

^^ the punishment was hallucinatory drugs. When they came off the high, which was intended to be torment, the Weeping Siren would help them feel better, thus creating a sort of dependency on her comfort. That is why they would start calling her mother afterwards. She wouldn’t let them sleep or eat, just take the drug and work. The only comfort they received was hers. 

The well in TBS never existed. It was a hallucination on Loki’s part because he’s terrified of heights and suffocation. 

("I can't." Loki repeats, stuffing his fingers into the crooks of his arms. "Mother will be cross with me.") 

^^^ drug tracks

---

But how could Loki not be used to hugs? Sif doesn't know Queen Frigga awfully well, but she seems like the affectionate type. The one that would give out hugs often. Thor never stiffens when Sif draws him in for an embrace, and Loki never flinches away from Thor's frequent shoulder touches or pats on the back, so it's not like they've been touch starved by their parents.

...

Loki shrugs, sighing deeply and squeezes his eyes shut. "Don' know why you care so much. It's not...appropriate for the royal family to show physical affection to each other in public—Thor should know better, but he doesn't care, I think—and I rarely see my parents in private since I've gotten older. I have to make an audience to see my father privately, and Mother only has a few spare minutes at a time for talking. It's not a problem. Used to bother me. Doesn't now."

...

^Loki and Thor were, in my opinion, severely isolated as children. With how busy Frigga and Odin were running a realm, it’s more likely that they raised each other with their parents hovering figureheads that orbited them. I don’t think either of them had a very strong relationship with them. At least, not a proper parent-child relationship. more like a distant friend.  

 Loki has had few friends in his lifetime and Thor has been the only constant. Thor is the only person who touches Loki frequently, beyond an occasional embrace from his mother. 

Loki doesn’t get hugged. 

(It is my firm headcanon that the hug Loki got from Frigga after he killed Laufey was the first hug he got in years) 

HENCE: 

“ Alwa's saying nast'y things." Loki shakes his head, hair sticking to the sides of his face. "It hurts. You don't even like me, and I used to tr' really, really hard to mak' all of y'u, 'cause I don' know...how to have friends, but you always…it okay, I know it's my fault. Somethin' wrong with me, not you." “

CHAPTER 5: 

"Alright, enough." The words seem to have been wrung from the Snake Prince, "You've done nothing but stare at me all day like I gave a swift kick to your favorite pet, so will you please explain what I've done wrong this time?"

^^ Loki really doesnt’ think anyone likes him unless they’re forced to, and even that he knows is an act. 

----

"No. Shut up." Loki demands, "Because I shouldn't have had to. My silence should have had no effect on whether or not you would refrain from trying to treat me decently. Was your social status so important to you that you would completely disregard the fact that I—" Loki releases a heavy breath, cutting himself off mid sentence.

TWS chpt 5 vs TBS chpt 6 

What!? Thor feels incredulous. "It does. I would never have let them hurt you if I knew!"

That draws out the startled, vindictive laughter. His brother takes a wobbly step forward, tears still falling. "I shouldn't," his brother presses out, "have to have told you. We've spent thousands of hours with them. Weeks at a time. But you didn't see, because you're never looking at me! Do you really think that they're the only ones to mock my titles?...”

You should never have to ask someone to treat you with basic human decency. And yet. 

----

Sif grabs on his arm and yanks. The searing heat makes her vision dark around the edges and the only think she can focus on is the cold knives of his words digging into her chest. Loki flinches and his hands raised to block off his face. She barely hears the words by how low they're muttered. "At least I never hit you."

^^^ 

The thoughts Sif never voiced but definitely felt right here: 

Oh yeah. You are a human. You are not some overlord meant to torment me. You are a human and you have a life outside of me and you are a human. 

And i hurt you anyway. On purpose. For no reason. 

I did that. 

You didn’t force me to. I chose to. 

---

They've been here for...for a while when the Weeping Siren drops into the cellar one morning with a rucksack swung over one shoulder. She drops something heavy on the ground and it lands with a loud thunk before she smiles happily. "Dearests, Mother has an errand she must take care of. I'll return in a few days. Remain here."

...

Thor's head tilts at that, curious. How? She was mad. "What do you mean?"

Benar's fingers smack impatiently on the book. "I mean that she spent a good majority of our lives keeping me from this ritual. She guarded the direct entrance to the tunnels, keeping the Xīn Zhī Chí from me. Now, now I can finally end the Blodig Skog without her making constant efforts to cease any progress."

So that's where they are, then. The tunnels beneath the Blodig Skog.

TWS chpt 6 vs TBS chpt 10

Part of this errand was to stop Benar from entering the caves. 

CHAPTER SEVEN: 

“It starts—and it ends—with soup.“ 

as all good things do. 

---

"Today we celebrate the sixth year since I began to collect my family." The Weeping Siren announces and sits down in front of them, a glass in hand. Sif suspects it isn't full of anything stronger than acidic water, but she raises it like it's fine wine. "A toast. To our happiness proceeding onwards for many more years."

^^^

this is the day her children died. In her grief she got extremely drunk and rationalized taking Li home with her. Li was hurt and she intended to take him to a healer. 

She didn’t. 

This is why Li ( "This is my family." Li says in a hushed voice, "I don't know...I don't know how to live anywhere else. How can we leave Mother? I don't...I'm afraid, Sif, please.") doesn’t feel like he has anything else. 

---

“Sif glances towards Loki's leg and inhales stiffly, swearing again. Norns, that's so much worse than she thought it was. The leg is deformed enough that Sif has her doubts bone isn't sticking out beneath the fabric. There's dried blood making the black fabric strangely reflective and flaky. She bites back bile and squeezes her eyes shut, trying to reassure herself that she's seen worse on the battlefield before.”

Thor broke his leg. Loki broke his. This is supposed to parallel each other. 

---

“She...was just stabbed.

Oh.

That's really not ideal.”

I AM WHEEZING. WHAT ON EARTH? 

---

“When they were claimed. (Is his hair shorter? He's favoring one leg, or is she imagining that?)”

^^^

First look at Thor’s permanent leg injury. 

---

CHAPTER EIGHT: 

“Loki, brother of Thor.” 

Loki’s importance is rooted in her mind now. 

---

“Systra makes a clicking noise and sweeps her gaze up and down Sif, eyes tightening at the edges. "Come with me." She commands. A few months ago, Sif would have refused and stormed off, indignant. Now she only feels a heavy apprehension and follows after her older sister. Systra stops first to drop her bag off in her room and then leads Sif out of the house. She sits down on a bench hidden in the small corner of the property and Sif recognizes it from when they were little and closer.

Before Systra left.”

^^^ 

This was never explained explicitly in the text, but one of the HUGE reasons that Sif hated Loki was because of jealously. Her relationship with Systra is terrible and she wanted someone like Thor to protect her as she was struggling to become a Einherjar, but Systra didn’t care. Systra left her on her own to deal with the bullying and the tormenting because she thought Sif was being stupid.

Sif wanted a Thor for a sibling, so she got jealous that Loki did and it eventually turned into hatred. 

---

^^^ 

this argument is based off of the one Isabella and Jade have in Isabella dances into the spotlight, A fantastic movie filled with family drama despite being made for kids. XD I love it so much. 

---

Weeping siren. 

LINK TO STORY <--

[lunas-criminally-writing]

panic room part one

maggie hotchner x spencer reid

word count: 11917

a/n: this is the long awaited third installment of written in the stars. this chapter has been in process for almost a month between writing and editing. i wrote this chapter on google docs instead of my normal notes on my phone, the chapter made its way to being 58 pages and a total of 11917 words pre a/n. i am very proud of this chapter. i wanted to be able to thank some people that made this possible. my lovely beta @bacchicly and my best friend @spencerreidsworld, my sophie. i am posting this chapter in two parts so tumblr does not decided to cut part of it off before the ending. i will repost the triggers and summary for the next part.

summary: takes place right after 'his princess'. maggie begins to have nightmares again and starts to fall down a self-destructive path. spencer watches maggie change before his eyes. one visit causes spencer to finally reach out to aaron hotchner, maggie's father, to reveal foyet's threats and how it was affecting maggie’s mental state causing him to worry.

trigger warnings: nightmares involving death, weapons, drinking alcohol, hallucinations, swearing, threats, arguing, self-harm, possible overdose/suicide attempt, blood, trip to the er.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

"i have been watching you, little maggie hotchner." foyet smirked at the brunette female in front of him. "you thought i was done with you. i am far from done with you - your mother was just the beginning"

maggie looks at him with murder in her eyes.

she wants to end this.

"i will kill you foyet"

she takes a step toward him but stops cold when she sees spencer tied to a chair behind foyet

"i don't think that would be a good idea."

foyet leers, pointing a gun at the unconscious spencer.

"you come closer and he gets it."

"he has nothing to do with this foyet." maggie squeaks "please let him go"

foyet shakes his head - clicking his tongue softly "he has everything to do with this. he made you forget about me. he made you feel again"

in gross parody of foyet’s gesture - maggie feels herself shaking her own head as tears form

"i have never forgotten about you and what you did to me. i see it every day"

"that is not good enough."

foyet pulls the trigger.

the bullet flies straight into spencer's heart.

🖤🖤🖤

maggie woke up with a scream - exploded from spencer's warm embrace - she was crying and gasping for air - confused by the fact that they had fallen asleep on the couch in the living room

spencer shot awake at her anguish. he swiftly engulfed maggie into a hug and tried to calm her down. he had not seen her like this in months.

maggie had looked at him not seeing him. she instinctively pushed him away breaking down further.

“don’t touch me!”

spencer let go for a moment in shock at the harshness in her voice.

...but once he thought she'd let him touch her again he asked her a silent question - cautiously placed a hand on her upper arm. when she didn't flinch away - spencer ever so tenderly wrapped his arms around her.

"m&m shush. it is okay i promise" he whispered over and over until she calmed down

maggie slowly caught her breath.

she looked at spencer still shaking

"he took you from me"

she whispered sounding frightened and quite small

spencer shook his head

"i am still here, princess. i promise, he did not get me"

spencer's voice was low and raspy - filled with a wish he could do more.

"no no you don't understand. foyet is back. the nightmares are back"

spencer put his hand on her cheek and rubbed his thumb across it

"i will do everything i can to protect you from foyet"

maggie shook her head rapidly, much like how she shook her head at foyet

"you cannot protect me if you get caught by foyet. he is going to kill you"

her voice squeaked in an eerie echo to the one she used in her dream.

"i will be at your side so foyet won't get you, m&m. will never get you."

maggie looked at him - biting her lip - scared out of mind

"i can't lose you, spencer"

"i can't lose you either, maggie"

spencer kissed her forehead

maggie finally melted into his arms and just stayed there.

"you ok, maggie? can you back to sleep now?"

"of course."

"should we go to bed?"

"no. don't wanna move."

spencer kissed her forehead again - convinced - relieved - he pulled the sheet over them not worrying about the blanket on the warm night when they had each other.

maggie listened to his heartbeat and breathing. the sound was enough to soothe her into a numb but not quite numb enough state. she normally would have relished the sweet sound but she was so out of it and the nightmare wouldn't fade from her mind - in fact it seemed to get more vivid not less.

soon enough she was relieved to hear spencer had fallen into a deep steady trusting slumber. . .

finally.

maggie carefully wiggled out of his arms - made sure he was settled comfortably - then covered him up with the discarded blanket which had fallen to the ground during her struggles - she didn't want him to be cold without her.

it seemed to her that the only reason this man - this man who looked for all the world like a fallen angel - had fallen asleep was because he was exhausted from all the worry and the walking they did that day. otherwise surely his profiler brain would have seen through her fib and been wide awake to make sure she was okay.

suddenly she is furious. he was beyond used to the sleepless nights he had when he was out on cases or when maggie had her nightmares when she first came to live with him. something in him made him fall asleep, probably that despite saying he loved her…

he didn't…

couldn't...

but in truth, it was nothing so sinister, it was just that he did not sense a change in maggie, not yet anyways.

maggie padded blindly over to the alcohol cabinet in the kitchen. taking a deep breath she guiltily pulled open the door and took out the honey jack. she tossed a glance over her shoulder to confirm nothing has awoken the agent she was just been sharing the couch with - convinced - relieved that he wasn't awake to judge - she unscrewed the cap and took a swig from the brand new bottle.

she smiled softly as the alcohol burned her throat - enjoying the feeling. she took the bottle with her to the living room. she sat in the armchair that was next to the couch and took another long gulp of the honey jack savoring the smooth sting - anticipating the escape it promised.

through the course of the night, maggie finished off at least a fourth of the bottle. maggie was never really one to drink but she needed something to numb the pain of her nightmare.

once numb enough to no longer see foyet's leer every time her eyes closed - she hid the bottle in the bathroom behind her pads - furiously brushed her teeth - washed her face - so spencer would not know what she had gotten into.

back in the livingroom maggie watched over spencer - silently tracing the shadowed dear lines of his face with her eyes before slumping back to her armchair and finally letting herself be sucked into the insensibility.

🖤🖤🖤

in the morning spencer woke up first.

he looked at maggie who was curled up and still asleep in the armchair. her sleeves were pushed up and the bandages spencer had put on her were gone. maggie must have scratched them off in her sleep. spencer noticed with relief that the wounds were pretty much healed - but the bandages were there for a precautionary measure to keep her from scratching. he got up before going to grab the wrap he always used to rebandage maggie's arms. as she continued to sleep he carefully wraps her arms, sending silent pleas into the universe that things would get better not harder. once he was done he rolled her sleeves back down and kissed her forehead.

"princess it is time to wake up" he whispered

maggie grunted rubbing her eyes then she stretched, waking up "what time is it?" she mumbled

"It is 10 am on saturday, princess. it is pancake day!"

that woke maggie up instantly and she grinned - surprisingly not feeling even a tiny bit hungover

"let's get pancake day started!"

"and you know there was a study done at the prestigious vermont institute of flapjack science in 1973 that proved that beautiful women were 93.6% more likely to have a good day if breakfast included pancakes and Vermont maple syrup. so up and at'em, missy."

"you are a goof, dr. reid."

"that is correct. but I believe, ms. hotchner, that it would be more accurate to say that I am YOUR goof."

spencer offered her his hand which she took with a smile. he pulled her up and into his arms. they stood in the middle of the apartment arms wrapped around each other - spencer leaning in for a kiss - but that was when the hallucinations started for maggie.

over spencer's shoulder, maggie saw foyet standing there smirking at her.

the brunette squeaked and rubbed her eyes, after that foyet was gone.

"you okay princess?" Spencer asked, hearing the squeak.

maggie nodded "i just thought i saw something is all"

spencer quirked an eyebrow but didn't push her - before leading her off into the kitchen so they could make their pancakes.

pancake day was something they started one saturday after they came home from a case that had been an extra difficult one. maggie had suggested making pancakes to cheer themselves up. it did help and now it's something they did every saturday - even if they were on a case - they would do their best to make time to order the fanciest pancakes at whatever breakfast place they could find.

spencer grabbed the dry ingredients and maggie grabbed the wet ones. but just as they had everything laid out on the counter ready to go - another vision of foyet hit - this time looming in the corner holding the gun

shaken, maggie excused herself to go to the bathroom.

once in the bathroom, maggie quickly pulled out the hidden honey jack - frantically scrabbling at the cap until it opened and she could take a few huge swallows.

maggie looked into the mirror to check that there was nothing to give her away to eagle eyed spencer - but gasped when she saw foyet holding a knife behind her.

she whipped around only to find that no one was there.

she tipped the bottle again - the alcohol burned like it had last night - seemingly chasing away the horrors

she looked in the mirror again and sees nothing but her own haunted reflection

resolutely she sealed the bottle and returned it to it's hiding place - then for good measure she brushed her teeth quickly. perfect that was all she needed - she was good to go now.

she flushed the empty toilet then rubbed her eyes desperately one last time before heading out to the kitchen - thankful the spector of foyet did not reappear

maggie plastered a smile on her face - she had to make sure spencer didn't suspect anything beyond the usual was wrong

"ready to make these pancakes?" spencer asked and maggie made herself nod fiercely

the two threw themselves into making the pancakes, leaving a small mess in the little kitchen. they both had flour on their turtlenecks and pants, even their hair, but it was nothing they couldn't clean up.

the pancakes of the week were chocolate chip. once their breakfast was ready, the couple sat in the living room with their plates and spencer turned on saturday cartoons. the two enjoyed their pancakes as they watched superman and lois lane waltz across the small screen.

🖤🖤🖤

by the afternoon it is clear that maggie can't seem to help herself and has excused herself a few times to the bathroom rarely actually used the facilities - although always made sure to flush and run the water as though she was washing her hands - gargling with mouthwash - but really she was just there to drink more.

so far the alcohol seemed to be keeping the hallucinations away.

by midday, the bottle was close to being halfway gone and maggie was feeling happier and more relaxed than she had in what felt like forever - she smiled dreamily at her new boyfriend - spending hours just playing with his long fingers - or humming little songs against his chest

spencer noticed something was off - but he was not sure what it was yet - and well - it was nice to see maggie so happy.

as the day continued maggie and spencer cuddled and enjoyed the saturday to themselves watching movies.

and anytime spencer felt a prickle of unease or worry - he pushed it down deep - after all if something was really wrong he trusted maggie to tell him.

happiness wasn't something that happened in his life easily - he was damned if he was going to squander these moments of being with the woman he loved with what was likely just his trademark neurotic overthinking.

🖤🖤🖤

that evening maggie's phone rang with her father's ringtone. she quickly answered as spencer was asleep with his head on her lap.

"hey dad" maggie prompted quietly as she played with spencer's curls

"hey, mint. i was just calling to see how the fair was"

maggie giggled softly and truth be told a little drunkenly before answering "the fair was an amazing dad. i hate that you missed it this year. it was not the same without you"

"i know. i wish i could have gone. i did wanna see if you and reid wanted to come over for dinner tomorrow evening. i'll make spaghetti" aaron weedled.

"dinner sounds great, dad. i'll let spencer know when he wakes back up. we can be over around 5, if you want?" maggie offered

"5 works for me. i can't wait" aaron said

"me too dad. i miss your cooking" she said

"i'm sorry, i have to go now. talk to you later mint? i love you"

"i love you too, dad. see you tomorrow" she said hanging up.

maggie kissed spencer's forehead, trying to wake him up now

spencer stretched slightly and opened his eyes. "hey princess." he whispered softly

"hey love. my dad invited us over for dinner at 5 tomorrow"

"that sounds amazing." spencer hummed out tracing her profile with a finger

maggie nodded absently playing with his hair again "you know i love you spence, right? i love you so much - no matter what" she whispered.

"i love you too m&m. i love you so much" he said, watching her and still trying to figure out what was off about her

maggie told herself she was acting as normal as possible - not to throw off her profiler boyfriend - oh no never that - but because revealing the hallucinations of foyet would make things too hard.

so maggie kept the smile on her face but it did not reach her eyes.

"are you okay maggie? you seem anxious," spencer asked, sitting up.

maggie nodded watching him but all she saw was him with a bleeding chest and not breathing.

"i am fine spence"

"okay. if something was wrong you would tell me, right?"

"of course, i would. excuse me i have to use the bathroom - you mister have been squishing my bladder!"

"that's doctor bladder squisher, to you! not mister"

"oh my apologies - doctor head-as-heavy-as-an-anvil- because-he-has-so-many-brains reid."

spencer faked a smile as he watched her head to the bathroom and shut the door for what felt like the millionth time today although he knew it was only the 14th. he was starting to really worry about her so he got up and went to the kitchen. he checked the alcohol and was not totally surprised that a bottle was missing. he sighed realizing what must be going on with maggie - but why?

it hurt him to see this side of her, he hated that she was hurting again. foyet had caused her to break all over again after the months of hard work it took for her to be okay. at the sound of the bathroom door opening, spencer crossed back to the couch, determined to figure out what was going on.

maggie stepped out of the bathroom mid deep breath, her face was wet from splashing water on it. the hallucinations had stopped for the time being and as long as she kept them at bay she was gonna be fine.

maggie had stopped taking her prescription for them because it had stopped working. the drinking seemed to be the only thing that was currently working. she wiped her face on her sleeve and walked towards spencer. "hey love, do you want to order takeout tonight?" she asked

spencer nodded with a small smile. "can you order my usual? i am gonna use the bathroom" he asked

maggie nodded before taking out her phone, putting in the number for the place.

spencer walked to the bathroom and shut the door. He opened the mirror cabinet where maggie kept her prescription, noting there were several bottles in there. she had been picking up her refills on the dates she was supposed to still which seemed good - until he checked the bottles - but the one that was dated for the week they had started living together they were still all full. they had been living together for about 6 months at this point. he took a deep breath as this information set in.

maggie had not been on her meds for months - how long had the hallucinations been back? spencer closed the cabinet and stared himself down in the mirror. how was he supposed to help her if she would not let him in?

once spencer walked out of the bathroom he had so many questions but he wanted to wait until maggie was ready to talk. he was not gonna force it out of her. he moved to his beautiful broken girl and gave her a big hug.

maggie's first impulse was to push him away - in her mind's eye he was soaked in blood pouring from a single bullet wound to his chest - but she had to keep up appearances when in reality she did not wanna be touched.

she was still hallucinating that he was dead.

why was this the only one that seemed to stay even with the copious amount of alcohol in her system? but she couldn't ask that question out loud so instead...she leans back and looks up into his face...and...

"what is this lovely big hug for?"

"you just looked like you needed a hug is all,"

maggie nodded softly before breaking out of the hug. "food will be here in about 20 minutes. do you wanna set up another movie while I go change for bed?"

the male nodded and he moved to grab the remote and a book.

once in the bedroom, maggie took off her shirt quickly - it was then she saw the fresh bandages on her arms.

when had that happened? she remembered taking them off. why hadn't she felt them earlier? was it the alcohol?

it hit her that spencer woke up first so he must have redone her bandages. it caused her to sigh softly because she knew how much he wanted to protect her even from herself.

she quickly grabbed a fresh tee-shirt, hoodie, and pair of sweatpants. all of the clothing had belonged to spencer - he'd given them to her when she'd first moved in and had been unable to face collecting her own things. the moment she put them on she felt safer. next she went to their little gun safe and punched in the code and took out her revolver. the metal felt hot in her hands. she put the gun in the holster and placed it on her hip. she draped the hoodie over it before walking back to the living room.

spencer smiled at her before walking past her to change himself.

maggie touched her hip and felt her gun. she sighed before putting it next to the armchair hiding it. she was planning on sleeping out there and she wanted to be able to protect herself. she looked at the tv and saw the movie spencer picked. he put on one of her favorites, back to the future. it made her smile. she was broken out of her trance by spencer's return . he looked deep in thought.

"everything okay my love?" maggie asked

spencer nodded before speaking "yea just thinking about work is all" it was not necessarily a lie as he was thinking about how maggie had been acting while on cases.

"did we get a case or something? i didn't hear my phone."

"no, we did not. i was just thinking how nice it is that we have been able to have a little bit of a break is all"

maggie nodded smiling "it has been kind of nice actually"

with that, the doorbell rang and spencer went to answer it. maggie went into high alert, almost throwing herself at the cushion which hid her gun.

it was just their food from the chinese restaurant.

maggie let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and went to the kitchen. she grabbed a fork for spencer before settling on the couch as spencer joined her.

he smiled at her before handing off her food. she handed him the fork smiling back. spencer took the remote before turning on the movie.

the two ate their food and watched the movie. maggie stayed put for the entire movie, enjoying it though she had watched it a million or so times.

spencer watched her more than the movie - trying to figure out how he could help her. after the movie he cleared his throat causing maggie to look at him

"you ready to head to bed?"

"yes I did not realize how late it was," she said softly - getting up to gather the trash.

spencer got up to help her but she stopped him. she urged him to get the bed set for them. he looked torn but finally nodded and went to do as she bid.

maggie finished cleaning up the living room before joining him in the bedroom. spencer was already laying down on his side with the outsider in hand, one of his beautiful girlfriend’s favorites.

"would you like me to read to you tonight?"

"i would like that very much," she said before getting into the bed. she left a space between them which was unusual but spencer did not mention it

spencer opened his book and began to read.

maggie listened intently. normally it would put her to sleep but she was wide awake thinking about her revolver in the living room.

eventually spencer began to nod off so maggie took the book from his hands. she put the book on her nightstand and reached over him to turn off the light on his.

maggie leaned down and kissed his forehead then left the room. maggie went to the bathroom and grabbed the bottle of honey jack. she looked back at the bedroom before turning to go back to the armchair. she put the bottle on the coffee table before grabbing her hidden gun. she sat down placing her gun on her lap still holstered and grabbed the bottle.

maggie frowned at the amount left in the bottle - she had not realized that it was almost gone. she made a mental note that she had to replace it before spencer noticed. she unscrewed the cap and took a huge swig. she swallowed and put the cap back on.

throughout the night maggie stayed awake drinking and playing with the gun in her lap.

spencer slept through the night.

eventually, maggie fell asleep - the bottle was empty and left on the coffee table - her gun remained in her lap.

maggie's face was tear-stained from the hallucinations causing her to break down over and over throughout the night.

[chloe-skywalker]

Halloween Party - Billy Hargrove

Billy x Fem!reader

Warnings: none

Word count: 1,560

Summary: At Tommy’s Halloween party a certain couple talks about their secret relationship. Will they decide to tell everyone or will insecurities get in the way?

Authors Note: So basically I just wanted to be able to post a Halloween Imagine on Halloween. So I wrote this which I personally thought would be short but just the dialog ended up being on paper 9 pages (ten on google docs), then adding all the details and etc etc it filled up. This ended up longer than I thought it would be but I’ll never complain about that haha. I wanted to be able to post something on this holiday and I’m proud of this. I chose Stranger Things for the Halloween Imagine cause they actually go through the holiday in the show so perfect. Thank You and Happy Halloween 

Prompts: “Oh yeah, I’m totally into cannibalism.” - @bookofmirth​

“You’d be a lot more intimidating if you weren’t dressed like that.” - @olicityropes

Masterlist

Stranger Things Masterlist

Holiday Masterlist

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“Come on Y/n/n. Cheer up.” Steve spoke from upfront in the driver’s seat after having been glancing back at his sister for the hundredth time. In the last 8-minute car ride.

“It’s a party, you love parties.” Nancy added giving Y/n a quick smile and glance from the passenger’s seat. Y/n appreciated their worry but it’s not like she could tell them why she wasn’t herself.

��It just wasn’t a good day ok? I’ll cheer up once we get there. Promise.” Y/n told them from the backseat. She just couldn’t wait till they got to Tommy’s Halloween Party, then she could get out of the car and go find the person she’s been missing all day.

Once they arrived at the party Steve, Nancy, and Y/n separated. She left her brother to have some time alone with Nancy. All the while Y/n went in search of a certain person. The party was already practically full so it was a little harder to find anyone. 

Luckily enough for Y/n the person she was in the process of looking for had already spotted her and was heading over towards her.

When Billy reached Y/n he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back into his chest. Y/n let out a squeal of surprise. Billy leaned his head down a bit and started off kissing along her neck and shoulders. Before he decided to get a bigger reaction out of her and bite down on her neck. “WHAT THE HELL BILLY!”

“Just wanted to surprise my girl.” Billy mumbled into her hair as he kissed the top of her head, as he chuckled a bit at the reaction he got.

“By biting my neck?” Y/n asked turning her head to look at him with an amused look.

“Oh yeah, I’m totally into cannibalism.” Billy nodded, speaking with a totally serious face and tone. Y/n broke out into a smile and laughter, Billy ended up breaking and joined in.

“You’re so weird, and cute at the same time.” Y/n shook her head at Billy’s antics as she turned her whole body to face him.

“Thank you” Billy smirked proudly.

Y/n shook her head and chuckled “That was really only half a compliment.”

Billy’s smirk turned into a smile and he hummed before answering. “Considering you love both of those qualities about me, the whole thing is a compliment, Sweetheart.” The couple laughed softly at his statement, knowing it was completely true. After the two both calmed down the laughter Billy decided to ask the question he was pretty sure he already knew the answer to but it still was bothering him. “Your brother come tonight?”

Y/n looked up at her boyfriend, already knowing where this is coming from on his part. She nodded ‘yes’ while answering. “Yes. He drove me.”

Billy hummed, nodding to show he heard. Billy ran his tongue along his teeth, hanging his head before speaking. “I wish you would have let me drive you.”

“Billy. . .” Y/n sighed

“I know, I know.” He nodded already knowing where this would go. Where it goes every time.

“You didn’t want him to find out either.” Y/n pointed out to him, poking him in the chest.

“I know, it just sucks.” Billy admitted

“I agree.” Y/n agreed leaning her head against his chest with a sigh. “Maybe we should say screw it.” With that statement, Billy burst out in laughter as if that was the funniest thing he had heard all night. Y/n pulled out of his warm embrace to look at him. “I’m being serious Billy.” Y/n smacked him hard across the chest.

“Ouch” he chuckled, rubbing his chest that was turning red in the spot that she had hit. But it wasn’t hard enough to bruise. Both of them knew that. Billy forced his attention back on Y/n. “You’d be a lot more intimidating if you weren’t dressed like that.”  Billy tilted his head sucking in a breath looking Y/n up and down, checking her out. Billy reached out to take her hips but Y/n moved a few steps back out of his reach.

Y/n smirked up at him and raised a brow. “Oh, so you like my costume?”

Billy nodded a little quickly, but he definitely likes it. “It’s fucking sexy.”

“Hmmm, so is yours.” Y/n hummed sizing up her boyfriend, who of course chose a costume that showed off his chest. Which Y/n love’s but right now she was trying to have a serious conversation about the topic at hand. “But I was being serious, Hargrove.”

“Oh so we’re back to last names, Harrington?” Billy smirked

Y/n sighed in defeat giving Billy her best puppy dog look. “Billy be serious for a few minutes, please.”

Billy gave a slight nod before surveying the house. He grabbed her hand and lead her to a more private area to talk about this. “Ok, ok. Tell your brother were together?”

“Yes” Y/n nodded

“Babe, we both know for a fact he’s gonna think I’ve just been using you to piss him off. Now that’s never been why, and I’ve tryed to make that clear in our relationship to you the best I can. The thought of your brother figuring out or telling him, in the beginning, was a bonus. To piss him off like that. Him having to deal with his sister dating his enemy. Priceless.” Billy stated as they entered an empty guest room. He sighed running a hand through his hair in frustration before continuing on with his explanation. “But now its different. Now I don’t want it to piss him off. Not on purpose at least. I’m serious about this. About us.”

Y/n smiled at him, her eyes filled with adoration. “I know, Billy. I’m serious about this too.”

“I just don’t want to lose you. Especially over something like that.” He admitted with a shake of his head. Billy did not want to lose her.

“You won’t lose me, Billy. I promise.” Y/n spoke gently but still with a firm tone so he would know she meant it, with all her heart. She rushed over to him cupping the sides of his face, stroking his fingers gently across his cheeks.

“Don’t get me wrong, Y/n. I would like nothing more than to tell your brother- tell everyone. I want to show you off, that your mine, to all the world. But I don’t want to ruin this.” Billy pointed between them towards the end, for emphasis. He scoffed at himself and the situation as he took a step back and sat down on the bed.

“No one will take what we have, Billy. I promise. Not my brother, not Tommy, Carol, Nancy, your father. No one.” Y/n stated as she took a step back as well, so she stood between his legs. Y/n’s hands were leaving Billy. “So what’d you say?” Y/n asked moving her left hand to cup the back of his neck and right hand down to intertwine their hands together.

“We can tell everyone. I’ll fight for us if anything happens.” Billy nodded, agreeing to let their relationship be known to the rest of Hawkins. They have both been wanting to since the begging but the two also knew it’d be better if they waited. Well, no more waiting.

“Me too.” Y/n agreed biting her lip, trying to contain her excitement.

“My fathers getting nowhere near what we have though.” Billy stated with hard eyes and voice. He was never gonna let his abusive, asshole father anywhere near his girl, or their relationship.

Y/n nodded in agreement, absolutely understanding where he was coming from. “I completely understand that.”

“Wanna go tell everyone now?” Billy asked wiggling his eyebrows while moving his unoccupied hand to hold her hip.

“Huh?” Y/n tilted her head, mouth open and eye wide in shock.

“Well, everyone from school is here tonight- or at least most of them.” He pointed out. But Y/n was still in a little shock. Normally having this conversation was like pulling teeth. An with how this one started off she thought it was gonna go that same way, but it didn’t. Y/n let out a series of small laughs which made him ask. “What?”

Y/n shook her head. “Nothing just. You went from not really wanting to, to wanting to tonight.”

Billy smirked pulling her closer with a tug, making her fall into him. “If we’re gonna do this we need to do this with a bang.”

“Wait, Billy.” Y/n pulled away to look at him as much as his grip would let her.

“Yeah?”

“You still want to drive me?” she asked amused but also hoping he still did want to drive her.

Billy nodded “‘course. Why?”

“Well, once we announce our relationship I don’t think Steve’s gonna wanna take me home. Or drive me anywhere for a while.” Y/n bit her lip giving him a mischievous smile.

“I’d drive you everywhere and anywhere if you’d let me.” Billy mirrored her smile before pulling her in for a kiss. They deserve to enjoy the last few minutes of their secret before the inevitable happens.

[aphrodite-made-me-write-it]

Revelations: XIV

Part Two: Steep to the Freezing

(A/N) hey hey, ho ho, im off tomorrow because of snow! anyway, I’m still working on requests. Sorry I’m slow, I think I’m just a perfectionist. I love all of you sm. and google docs is being an ass so i had to copy everything word for word here so if there’s spelling mistakes, its because i am anger. I have over 40 pages of this bitch and i legit have to just. copy them onto tumblr dot com like a savage. guess i could always make a new doc but jfc can my low attention span handle it? anyway happy sungay, please pay patronage to ur local sapphic goddess by gaying over at least one woman today. This chapter is short bc it’s kind of a filler chapter but the next one has fun, sexy fighting xoxo

♫ ♫ ♫

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Hella flashbacks this round; Graphic Depictions of Death Bro, like fr fr i’m not kidding this time; I put most of the warnings in CH1 so they’re mostly the same.

Pairing: Diana Prince / Wonder Woman x F! Reader

Chapter Word Count: 4,815

Total Word Count (so far): 15,110

Synopsis (of this chapter): Pieces of the past slowly fall into place; you’re starting to feel some real confusing emotions about Diana; you meet Diana’s Goth Himbo friend.

| I | II | III | IV | more coming soon |

ma’am who gave you the RIGHT

"She's clearly a metahuman," Bruce drawls, as if the information may as well have been exposed on a neon sign above your head. You'd think a guy so rich would be cheerful, but Bruce Wayne is anything but. The guy is practically the poster-child for brooding, despite being a fully grown man. "But she's definitely... weird."

"Gee, thanks," you gripe sarcastically.

"I'd need a DNA sample to-"

"No!" It comes out unbidden, harsher than youv'e spoken before. It makes Diana and Bruce look at you with blatant surprise. Your heart is hammering in your ears, a wardrum to the tremble in your bones. A fear so sharp, so natural, they may as well have been threatening to cut you open without anesthetic.

You aren't quite sure what caused the gut-reaction. It was so sudden, it surprised you as much as it had them. It's a feeling so intense, so immediate, it's indisputable. A repulsion that makes your entire body want to curl into itself - so tight into a coil that you turn into nothing.

Diana places a hand on your shoulder; the action is so natural, so instinctive, neither of you really register it. "That doesn't seem to be an option," she informs Bruce with a tone that leaves little room for argument.

Bruce sighs. "Well, do you at least know what the facility was called, or who ran it?"

You pause, thinking hard despite the panic that had scrambled your thoughts into incoherency just moments ago. The fear is still gripping your chest, but with Diana beside you literally expelling support, it's a little bit easier to sort through the mess. "I think... I think I saw, 'A-R-C' a few times."

"ARC?" Bruce repeats, a scowl taking place over his features.

"You've heard of them?" Diana inquires curiously.

"I have..." Bruce confirms, scratching the back of his neck nervously. "Well, they're listed as a DNA research facility, but a few tabloids-"

"I thought you hated tabloids?" Diana chuckles.

"I do, but" he clears his throat, "when tabloids talk about things like the CEO going on tangents about angels and demons being on Earth? I consider myself a little bit invested."

"And you know the CEO?"

"Not personally, no," Bruce shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. "But I know his name. Doctor Phillip Richman. He's got very little documentation outside of his doctorate - a practical ghost in the system."

You think Diana asks something like, "How is that possible?" but your mind is suddenly disconnected. It's like the name has broken through something in your mind, flooding it with memories that don't quite feel like your own. As if you were watching them from afar.

- - - -

"Oh, little one," the man kneels down until he's eye-level. The October air has brought an early chill of the oncoming winter, meaning your thin clothes provide little protection against the wind-chill. Your skin is red and raw from it; cracking in some places, bleeding in others. "You're all alone out here?"

Shyly, you nod. You are alone, yes. You always have been.

"Don't you have a mommy and a daddy?" He asks, something like concern in his voice. Even this young, it sounds off; like he's trying to make himself sound empathetic, but there's something else hidden far behind his words.

There's an intensity in his eyes. Something hungry that, honestly, scares you at first, but you've never experienced such kindness from a stranger before. "No," your tiny voice is just a squeak, tightened by the chill and by the emotion that's suddenly gripped you.

The man nods, seemingly thoughtful for a moment. As a child, you can't help feeling special when a grownup talks to you - especially when you've had so few be as kind to you as this stranger is.

"My name is Doctor Richman," he introduces slowly. "I help little boys and girls like you all the time." He holds his hand out for a shake, like you're a grownup too, so you take it without hesitation.

"I'm (Y/N)."

"Well, (Y/N)," Doctor Richman stands, but doesn't release your hand. "How would you like to come be my very own assistant?"

"You're going to take me home?" It's achingly disbelieving. Eager to escape a life on the streets, this man’s every word is something to take as seriously and literally as Gospel. 

“I am,” he confirms, a smile on his face once more. It’s bright, deceivingly so - as if you’d make his entire world by saying yes.

As a seven year old, such a smile is enough to make the worries evaporate. This is a stranger, yes, but he is offering you a life better than you’d ever experience like this. Your ‘yes’ is easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not regrettable. 

- - - -

Someone is calling your name. Reality finds its way to you with a harsh rush, your hand clutching Diana’s like an anchor. You’re trembling, breathing erratic.

“What happened?” Diana asks worriedly.

“I-” your throat tightens. “That was him. He- I was-” you’re struggling to speak and breathe at the same time. The emotions are so confusing, so overwhelming, that your abilities to think and speak halt entirely. 

“Breathe, darling, breathe,” Diana urges, her fingers combing through your hair with one hand and the other squeezing you gently. You feel her concern as sharp as a knife.

“I was... I was just a kid when he- when-” you explain meekly, shame washing through you. How could you have been so stupid? Don’t all kids have that natural sense of stranger danger? “Oh, god- I just let him take me...”

“I assume, then,” Bruce speaks up, interrupting your spiraling and reminding you suddenly of his presence. “‘AOC’ could be ‘Age of Capture’.”

You wince, stomach turning. “I was so stupid-”

“No,” Diana interrupts sharply. “You are not stupid. You were a child. Seven years old. You could not have known better. You should never blame yourself for the trauma that was forced upon you.”

“Diana is right,” Bruce affirms, though consoling doesn’t appear to be his strongsuit. He’s trying, at least, and that you can appreciate. “And that means that if you were filed as missing, we could locate some relatives of yours.”

You look down at your hands, forcing your fingers to loosen from Diana’s just a bit. She hadn’t complained about your unusual strength, but you still felt bad for somewhat crushing them. “I don’t think so,” you say quietly. “I didn’t... I didn’t have parents. I don’t even know my last name.”

Diana’s heart breaks; you feel it through your empathic bond in a violent wave. There’s a tenderness, too, in the way she curls her fingers in your hair, that keeps you from speaking out about not needing her sympathy. You sink into the feeling of her, a moth drawn to a flame. 

“I understand,” Bruce’s tone takes on a surprisingly genuine softness. “I’ll see what I can do. maybe contact Victor for this one.”

“Let me know,” Diana implores gently. Bruce nods and stands with a sigh.

“See you soon, ladies,” he nods curtly and makes for the door.

Long after he leaves, Diana fixes you with a cautious expression. “Are you alright?” 

You nod numbly. Diana, naturally, does not buy it. She doesn’t even need your powers to see right through you.

“Come on,” she pulls you to the couch in her living room. You sit down reluctantly, nervous of the close proximity of her. “You’ve told me a lot about what’s happened to you,” Diana begins slowly, “but you haven’t said a word about how you feel.”

You gape at her. “I- how I-?”

“Friends hare things with each other, like feelings,” Diana explains, that smile on her lips that could honestly make you do (and admit to) anything.

You open your mouth, then shut it. You aren’t sure how you feel, to be honest. It’s impossible to articulate. If only you could just show her....

Wait. Maybe... maybe you can?

It’s one of those things that feels natural, much like flying; as if you’d done it so many times that the action is second-nature. Something as obvious as the fact that, just a day ago, you’d been dead. You reach out and offer your hand, palm facing up.

“Can I just show you?” You ask timidly. 

Diana eyes your hand skeptically. “Will this be like what you feel in others?”

You shrug. “No idea. Probably.”

Diana, in that split moment, decides it’s worth a shot and takes your hand. You close your eyes as the rush of energy floods your whole being. It’s like a dam has split apart, your powers frighteningly out of your control. Rivers connecting, becoming singular. Each emotion is passed between you, slowly, purposeful. You try to convey the fear you have; that not knowing is the worst part about all of this. The way your body - and mind - seem to know things that you don’t. Your very own body is the enemy.

Diana inhales sharply, shock reverberating through the bond. This is how you see me? 

You nearly jump back at the way the thought transfers to your mind. How did you do that? 

You’re doing it, too. You can imagine the smile on her face, but her image in front of you is blurred by whatever it is that’s passing between the both of you. as if some switch had been flipped, each emotion is passed between you wordlessly, seamlessly, purposefully. 

Diana jolts back abruptly, the lack of contact feeling like cold, bitter winter. you open your eyes to find that she’s looking away tearfully.

“I’m sorry,” you fold your hands in your lap, focusing hard on the way your fingers lock together. “I thought it would be easier to...”

“It was,” she confirms, clearing her throat and wiping at her eyes. “I apologize, I just- it was very beautiful.” Her smile is genuine, brilliant, beautiful. “Thank you for showing me.”

“But you’re crying.”

“They’re happy tears.” She explains. “That’s all.”

Do eyes have so much fluid that they simply must leak for every emotion?

- - - -

“Where will you sleep?” You frown when Diana leads you back to her bedroom. She’d meant to go shopping after Bruce had left, but you’d seemed so shaken up and honestly what you’d shown her left Diana a bit rattled herself. So, she opted for staying inside with you - at least for the rest of today. 

“My couch is comfortable,” Diana assures, but you shake your head.

“I don’t want to kick you out of your own bed, Diana.”

“What do you suggest, then? Would you like to share?” It’s a bit teasing, but you immediately nod.

“Better than you hurting your back, and you obviously won’t let me sleep on the couch, so...” You cross your arms, giving her an expectant smile.

Diana tosses her hair over her shoulder with a throaty chuckle. “I suppose you’re right.”

“Great,” you uncross your arms and bounce a bit in place. “I don’t think I’ve ever slept alone before, anyway.”

“Oh, really?” The teasing edge of her voice makes you blush.

“I mean- I think... well, it was a large place... I wasn’t the only one there, clearly.” You cough awkwardly. “And... you make me feel safe.”

How could Diana possibly say no to that?

You still aren’t used to how nice her bed is. The softness of it, the warmth. You curl into it with a sigh, the blanket deliciously cozy. Diana lays on the other side of the bed, watching you with a dazed expression.

Once you’re finally settled in, and you catch onto her watching, you ask, “What?”

“Nothing,” Diana’s soft smile makes your body thrum. “Nothing at all.”

- - - -

She comes in spring, when life around the facility is flourishing. The woods surrounding the area are teeming with wildlife, all of which are perfect subjects for experimentation. You hated hurting the animals, but if you didn’t obey, they would do far worse to you.

You can tell, instantly, that she is unlike the others. Most kids they bring in have the same emptiness to them. From years on the streets, years with abusive families, mostly everyone comes here just a little broken.

Not her.

She’s a spitfire of a girl, spewing curse words you’ve never even heard before as she twists in the iron grip of the guards. Maybe it’s the dark waves of her hair or the piercing blue of her eyes that catches your attention, but the moment she has it, you know at once that she will never lose it.

Her anger rolls off of her in waves, cataclysmic. She is a walking hurricane, but you’re inevitably drawn to this disaster. You introduce yourself, that first day, but she ignores you. For days, no matter how hard you try, she doesn’t so much as spare you a glance when you’re in the mess hall or recreational rooms.

It isn’t until she returns from one of the experiments, looking shaken and lost, that she finally lets you sit beside her. She lingered on the edges of the training room, back against the wall. You told her of how you’d come here, how it might seem bad but it isn’t always terrible. She doesn’t share that opinion, of course, but your presence eases the pain, after some time; you feel happier, too, as hours bleed into days into weeks into months. Less like you’re just taking it day by day, surviving, and more like you’re actually alive. 

“One day,” she promises, “we’re gonna get out of here, and I”m gonna show you the world.”

And you believe her.

- - - -

Diana wakes to your body shaking in silent, wracking sobs. You’re at the very edge of the bed, as if putting space between you and Diana would compensate for your inability to sleep or calm down. It’s obvious that you’re trying to hold back on the emotions spilling from you, but it’s equally obvious that it isn’t working. 

The brunette turns over, reaches out silently before hesitating slightly. She doesn’t want to make this worse for you, doesn’t want to cross whatever boundaries lay in the empty sheets between you. Instead, the idea of reaching out with a feeling comes into her mind. Could she focus so hard one a singular emotion that it would pull you out of this? There’s no harm in trying, she supposes. 

It works; her concern and patience burst through the dark waters that had taken over your mind. A hand reaching, grasping, pulling - you breach through the surface, gasping for air. You turn over to face her, eyes wide and cheeks wet with tears.

Diana doesn’t even think twice before opening her arms invitingly. The question isn’t so much asked, as it is felt, and you wiggle into them with little hesitation. You curl into her embrace, letting the spring of her presence melt away the bitter winter of your terror. She begins to rub slow, soothing circles on your back, not speaking a single word.

She won’t ask, and you know she won’t despite the curiosity burning within her. 

“How can I be so sad,” you ask in a hoarse, broken voice, “over something I didn’t even know I’ve lost?”

Diana’s spirit seems to mirror the sentiment; pain reverberating off of her. “Loss is loss, I’m afraid.” She answers wisely, her own heart clenching. 

“When will it stop hurting?”

“When you are able to let go.”

You bury yourself in her shoulder, hearing the distant thundering of her own heartbeat. It’s so fast - is she alright? You attempt to search for the answer, but a yawn makes you lose concentration. 

“Is this okay?” You inquire sleepily.

“Of course it is,” Diana hums, sounding a bit tired herself.

You sigh, wrapping one of your own arms around Diana’s waist. She’s so pretty and soft. Why is she letting you do this? Why is she so kind? There’s something familiar about this feeling, something so, so important it almost keeps you up. Sleep conquers all, in the end, coming all too easily in the arms of this gorgeous woman who saved your life.

- - - -

Diana had left you alone in her apartment while she found you some proper clothes. “I can’t keeping calling out of work,” she’d said, “and you can’t hide in here forever. You have to experience the world!”

The idea of it is daunting, admittedly. you’ve felt somewhat cooped up in here, but not in the way you felt trapped in the Facility. That place had felt wrong, more of a prison than whatever it was meant to be. Being in Diana’s apartment, though, felt like safety. You feel nothing short of content to remain here, so long as Diana is with you. 

But now that she isn’t, you feel sort of... lonely. You keep looking at the clock to see how long she’s been gone. Half an hour gone already, and she’d said it would be two hours. Piece of cake.

The city beyond the windows is a wide landscape, a vast maze ready to explore. You imagine experiencing life out there, wondering what normal people are like and how you’re going to pretend you’ve been walking among them your whole life rather than experimented on like a lab rat.

With no memories, you’re suddenly itching to make some new ones. The mindless television doesn’t help much; after she’d taught you how to use Netflix, you’ve spent too much time watching action movies where the heroes always win and the bad guys go away forever - or, at least, until the sequel.

Approaching the hour-and-a-half mark without Diana, you start to zone out. Something happens on the TV, but you aren’t exactly sure what it was. The memories crawl from the shadows, as always, when you least expect them.

- - - -

“Please, don’t do this!” You beg, struggling against your restraints. The tank surrounding your head lets out a low hum, water beginning to spill out of the tubes on either side. It rises quickly to your chin. “Please, please, please-”

“Relax, D-14. You’re one of our best. You should handle this test no problem.” The nurse assures, the water quickly rising past your lips. You try to adjust your head to avoid the inevitable, but it’s useless. “You’ve survived every other.”

It isn’t quick, and it isn’t painless. It hurts, it burns, your lungs ache. And then, there is nothing.

When you open your eyes again, it is to a dark world far from the one you’d just left. You take slow, deliberate steps down an invisible path that calls to you. Your bare feet find it without thought, the sound of water echoing around you like a cave. You see no others, but you can feel them. There is pain, and there is suffering, but there are others.

Darkness. It’s the darkness that scares you most. There are creatures there, waiting, watching. If you step off the path, they will surely devour you.

Out of nowhere, you see a woman up ahead. She wears a beautiful white gown, golden wings folded against her back. Her skin is smooth and dark, amber eyes full of mirth when they meet yours. A merciful smile pulls at her lips as she reaches for you, fingers touching your cheek with the tenderness of a mother.

“It isn’t your time,” she says, but her mouth doesn’t move. Even so, the words reverberate into the vast nothingness all around you.

“I can’t go back there,” you rasp. “Please-”

“You are more important than you know,” the woman frowns, the expression looking incredibly out of place on her delicate features. Silver hair spills over her shoulder as she tilts her head sympathetically. 

How can I be important if he keeps killing me?” 

“You,” her hand falls to your shoulder, squeezing it softly. “You are unlike the others. He does not know what he is toying with, what cards of fate he is pulling for himself.” She pauses. “And he does not know who you are.”

“Who am I?”

Her smile widens. “You will know, one day. But today is not your time.”

She leans forward to plant a kiss on your forehead. Once more, you’re blurring through realities - crossing boundaries that feel both familiar and foreign. 

You wake up to the water draining, your lungs burning as you sputter for air. The machine is humming again, but you pay it no mind. Everything is removed slowly, piece by piece. 

“Alright, D-14,” the nurse picks up a clipboard, flips it to the first empty page. “State your name, your age, and what you witnessed ADE.”

- - - -

Diana finds you curled into a ball, one of the blankets she’d left on the sofa for you wrapped tightly around your body. You look so achingly small, she nearly drops the bags to run to you. She sets them down as gently as she can manage, locking the door before slowly approaching you. She walks with cautious purpose, as if you were a wild animal on the verge of running.

You didn’t hear her enter, but your attention hones in on her presence when she lays a hesitant hand on your arm. You uncurl yourself to face her. 

“What’s wrong, sweet one?” She asks softly.

You shake your head, avoiding her gaze. “Nothing.”

“You are an awful liar.” Diana notes, sitting down on the floor so that she can meet your eyes. “Come on, spit it out.”

“I died before, too,” you whisper. “A lot of times, I think.”

Diana’s fear spikes between you. “What?”

“I think... I think that’s what ARC does. It kills people... and brings them back.”

Disgust and fury radiate from Diana in a headed flame. “Why would they do that?” She demands, unable to hide the raw anger from her tone.

You shrug, but the action is sort of jerky when you’re still laying on one side. “I don’t know,” you admit quietly. “But I think it’s why I’m... y’know,” you gesture vaguely to your body. “Like this.” Powers that had seemed like a blessing, ones that you enjoyed using, suddenly feel... wrong. A great burden forced onto your shoulders.

“Do you think that’s how you died the last time?” Diana asks, hand drifting down to your own. You let her toy with your fingers, reveling in the unidentifiably tender emotion that flows from the contact.

“I don’t think so,” you say at last, shaking your head. “I don’t- I don’t think they meant for that to happen.” You sit up slowly, exhaling a shuddering breath. “I don’t think I was supposed to come back. I have to show you something, but- just- don’t, uh, freak out, okay?”

Diana frowns skeptically, moving to join you on the sofa now that you’ve given her the room to do so. You turn away from her and carefully ease down a shoulder of the gown she’d given you. You hear her soft inhale, feel a spark of something heated igniting within her not unlike the prior softness, but she quells it as you reveal your upper back.

Where your wings would join is a vicious looking scar. With a jolt, Diana realizes it’s the entry point of the one on your chest. It looks oddly like a compass, the center of it being where the bullet must have entered. Diana reaches out to it, in awe of the way it seems branded into your skin. The scarred tissue isn’t raised, as most would be of such severity. It’s smooth to the touch, shiny, as if were some kind of eternal symbol of your unintended survival.

You look over your shoulder at her, suddenly dazed by the gentleness of her touch. There’s that heated something again, an emotion that makes you want to squirm under Diana’s dark gaze. Her plump lips are pursed thoughtfully, fingertips just barely brushing the sensitive skin of your scar. You’ve felt this heat before, this... want. You just can’t remember when or where or whom, but you know this feeling.

Your lips part, your body slowly facing Diana’s once again. The scar on your chest looks like the sun, also embedded in your skin as if to forever remind you of your damnation to this world. You think her eyes dart downward, but you aren’t sure if it’s at your scar or something else.. “Diana-”

A knock at the door makes the both of you leap apart. You both wear incredibly guilty expressions, though you aren’t really sure why. You adjust the gown again before standing and taking the bags Diana had brought home while she answers the door.

“Bruce, hi!” She greets, sounding a bit strained.

“Did I... interrupt something?” Bruce inquires as you scurry to the bedroom.

You don’t hear the conversation, but you feel Bruce’s amusement and Diana’s embarrassment echo through the halls. You aren’t sure where to put the bags, so you just carefully set them down by teh door and return to the living room with flushed cheeks.

“Well, Vic pulled through. We infiltrated part of ARC’s computer systems, but a lot of it is encrypted. He’s still working on it,” Bruce explains, clearing his throat to clear the tension between him and Diana, who is glaring at him as if looks could kill. 

“What did you find out?” You ask timidly, unsure of why you feel like you’re on the edge of something dangerous. 

“ARC researches near death experiences,” Bruce follows you and Diana to the seating area; Diana sits close enough to you that you can reach out if you need to, and Bruce takes one of the free armchairs. “According to their data, thirty percent of those killed in controlled environments gain unique, superhuman abilities. Most of them can talk to the dead, or otherwise contact the ‘other side’ if you want to believe that.” Judging by his tone, Bruce does not. “And less than two percent of that thirty percent gain what Richman calls the ‘Seraph Gene’.”

“G-giraffe gene?” You mutter, confused. Diana hides her snort with a polite cough while Bruce groans.

“Seraph Gene. Angels.” He huffs. “Vic is working on those files now, seeing as that’s likely where your information will be, but it’s not easy.”

“So, you really are an angel?” Diana grins, trying to make light of the situation.

“I wouldn’t count on that,” Bruce hums thoughtfully. “Richman is looking for the Ideal Angel. One that’s immortal with healing capabilities. She’s got the wings, sure, but she’s not like you, Diana.”

“We don’t know that,” Diana points out. “She still doesn’t know all of her powers, and she didn’t die in a controlled environment the last time.”

Bruce rolls his eyes, but doesn’t argue. “Well, I wanted to give you an update on that.” He stands, then pauses. “Oh, and another thing: they’re looking for her. They’re combing surrounding cities as we speak. Whatever she is, she’s important to them.”

The fear that tears through you is only doubled by Diana’s. Her hand finds yours, the only thing keeping you from outright spiraling, a determined scowl on her face. “Let them come. They won’t lay a finger on her.”

Bruce raises his hands in surrender. “I just wanted to warn you. If we need to get the League together for this-”

“Yes, that is a wonderful idea. We absolutely should.”

Something tells you that, by the sag in his shoulders, Bruce isn’t accustomed to working with others. He probably hates it, and that’s not surprising from your very few interactions. “Alright, I’ll keep you posted, then. Be careful, you two.” He gives Diana a meaningful look that makes her cheeks erupt in a deep blush. For some reason, this annoys you - which is very unusual, because under any other circumstances, you’d love to see Diana blush.

Bruce leaves you and Diana in aching silence. You keep looking at her like you’re expecting her to explode, but she seems lost in thought. You give her hand a squeeze, pulling her back to the present.

“Those scars...” Diana begins slowly, quietly.

“The last time I died wasn’t controlled. They didn’t think I’d come back at all.” There’s a raw edge of sadness in your voice.

“That must be why they are after you,” Diana nods, squeezing your hand tighter. “Whatever brought you back, must be what Doctor Richman is looking for.”

The thought makes you shudder. Not only from fear, but from anger. A surge of fierce protection and loyalty to whatever it was that brought you back. “They can’t have it,” you growl in a tone very much unlike your own.

“We’ll never let them.” Diana agrees solemnly.

- - - - (Next Chapter) - - - -

Tags! (almost forgot aaa) @nobody13​ ❤ @fireflyglass ❤ @swords-are-cool​ ❤ @artapdarkstr ❤ @aznblossom​

[b-rainlet]

📓📓📓📓

- the-scarecrxw

(Since you sent 4 of those emojis I'm gonna go off but I'll stick to one in this answer and make seperate posts for the others aksnsns)

I can't give you anything Jonathan centric (that isn't Tommy/Jonathan, one of my fave rarepairs) but Jerome features in lots of my AUs.

This one is one of my faves that's entirely self-indulgent and if it ever gets written it's probably gonna be the longest fic I ever published (Again: If it ever gets written):

I gotta apologize in advance, it's just a fun little AU I haven't put too much thoughts into in terms of plotting so this is gonna be A. Long, B. Messy and C. A little chaotic

- First off, you gotta understand that @nsfwitchy2 Me had some fun with a pretty nonsensical and definitely not canon-compliant AU where Jerome and Jeremiah have three Mums (Tabby, Lee and Barbara, who all date) and live with them and Barbara Lee as their little sister.

- Ecco also lives with them, she sees herself as both the twins' gf more than a genuine part of the family tho (for now)

- (Meanwhile at Wayne Manor Alfred and Jim date and are very tired parents of Bruce and his clone 514A, in this AU - and pretty much every AU - nicknamed Brook)

- (Selina kinda goes back and forth between living at Wayne Manor or at Lee's place)

- Also, everyone dates. The twins. The clones. Eccomiah, Jecco, Batcat, Valeyne, Wayleska, they're all fucking

- Which isn't THAT important for this particular AU but I figured I'd give a warning xD

- This is mostly my attempt to give Tabitha some more backstory? Just...how I personally see her character and how I could see her end up if things would've went differently after S2

- The google docs file is called 'How Tabitha started being a Mum while disregarding canon completely' lmao

- Like her current life involves having 4 kids (if you count Selina) and two wives and that's a hell of an AU and I just like to overthink things and play with the way things would have needed to have gone in canon to have her 'end up' like this

- Also I can see her struggling with having a family all if a sudden (that isn't a manipulative brother or a weird cult)

-Especially if that involves Motherhood

- So on one hand it's a 'S2 until now' fic, explaining what happened to her in my canon

- But also - mostly because I find that easier to organize in my brain - it's interwoven with a 5+1-esque fic of all her children calling her 'Mum' (and her getting emotional over that)

- So it switches back and forth between the past and the present but for rambling's sake, I'll start with the past

- She still leaves Theo behind and flees with Silver but she keeps Silver close instead of immediately sending her away

- And her and Silver get taken in by Fish after they leave Theo because they have nowhere to go and Fish loves taking care of strays

- (Fish, who probably didn't end up in Indian Hill but rather lives in hiding until she is ready to strike against Penguin)

- She refers to herself as Liza's Mother in canon, you can't tell me she wouldn't instantly adopt Tabby and call her 'Honey' and give her motherly advice while Tabby tries to be all bite but actually enjoys somebody taking care of her for once

- Selina🤝Tabby

'Trying so very hard all the time to not show how soft and insecure they are'

- Actually, I'd start diverting from Canon even sooner aksnsjd

- Well not full on changing canon, but I'd...pepper in some stuff

- Like some scenes of her back with Theo and the Maniax

- Mostly her talking to Theo about Jerome's planned murder, which, yeah, she knows it's been set in stone from the beginning but that doesn't mean that she isn't talking about alternatives where he doesn't get killed off

- And Theo's like "Don't tell me you're going soft. No one will miss him. He was just a boy. Not worthy enough to be remembered."

- And later on she betrays him and goes 'I remember him'

- Anyway, they stay with Fish for a while but Tabby doesn't wanna keep Silver in Gotham

- So she sends her back to the school she went to before coming to Gotham with Theo (but makes sure their weird cult can't get their hands on her there)

- And Silver wants her to come with but Tabby says she has some unfinished business

- Aka she just doesn't wanna leave Barbara (who is in a coma atm, if Memory serves right)

- And Tabby's reasoning is that it's not safe in Gotham but really, she thinks she can't be responsible for another person

- "She needs a mother. A Family. I can't give her that." - "You are her family."

- So Silver's out of the picture and Tabby hangs with Fish until Barbara wakes up and they get together again (and never ever seperate)

- Also there's no Butch/Tabby because that was unnecessary as fuck

- And I gotta be honest, I haven't thought more about canon because Butch/Tabby alone makes my head hurt already but somehow they start dating Lee

- Who brings Jerome into the relationship because I sure am fond of Lee being Jerome's Mother (like as in, I have several wips with that concept alone not counting this one)

- Jerome probably came back to life after S3 and Lee fought to have him not be treated like a violent criminal but rather a child who was taken advantage of and after his release from Arkham (where she visited him and made sure he got some proper treatment) it seemed natural to have him live with her

- (But also he's still a criminal aksnsjs, you can see how much I thought about this)

- (Sue me for sticking to the heartfelt scenes and avoiding the mess that is plotting)

- Tabby and Barbara already had Selina and through Jerome, Jeremiah and Ecco were added et voila! Their Family is complete

- (Why exactly Barbara Lee exists if Tabby and Barbara have been non-stop dating since S2 I can't tell you, I simply think she is neat and I like the idea of big brother Jerome)

- (This AU? Self-indulgent? Why would you ever think that?)

- In the present however she is dealing with what is mostly referred to as 'feelings'

- Mostly panic at realizing that the bunch of weird children she's been living with are seeing her as some kind of parental figure

- Because suddenly they all call her 'Mum'

- Unsurprisingly the first one to call her Mum is Jerome at breakfast

- She's reading the newspaper and there's an article about a hostage situation the twins planned and he goes 'Mum, are you done with that? Can we see?'

- And they snatch it from her and argue about how they didn't even make the front page while Tabby nearly chokes on her coffee

- And of course she breaks down talks to her wives about it later while they get ready for bed because no one ever called her 'Mum' before

- Barbara's braiding her hair, while Lee's off to the side, getting ready for bed and it's very domestic and I am very gay

- But neither see it as a big deal because both of them have been called Mum before (by Jerome at least. Like. Immediately upon meeting them)

- So she's trying to be nonchalant about it because it's only a big deal if she makes it one

- While also not being able to deny the warm feeling that spreads throughout her body when Jerome keeps calling her 'Mum'

- Miah and Selina on the other hand are both hesitant to call anyone Mum

- Miah cause of Pride, Selina cause of her Mummy Issues

- But they both do at some point

- I think I have more notes on this SOMEWHERE but I kinda wanna have Miah call her Mum while he's ill (because we all know he'd be super fussy and want attention 24/7)

- So she humours him and while he's close to falling asleep - and she's totally not carding her fingers through his hair because she isn't soft or anything - he mumbles: "Thank you Mum" and she melts

- Selina would be more angsty

- Like, maybe it's her birthday and she disappears for a while (as she tends to do) but Tabby (who's closest to her) knows how hard this day is for her (since again her Mum isn't there with here and looks for her and brings her back home but doesn't make a big fuss out of her birthday

- Just...lets her be, gives her space but also lets her curl up close to her and maybe Selina doesn't call her Mum on that exact day

- But it's the day she realizes she wouldn't mind calling Tabitha her Mother, so she hesitantly tries it out a while later (maybe days, maybe weeks, however long it takes for her to feel comfortable with it) and they share a smile

- Then there's Barbara Lee, but she barely counts because she's a toddler and calls everyone 'Mummy'

- Even her father ajsnsnsn

- The last one would be Ecco because I have a very soft spot for Tabby and Ecco being close

- Ecco's rather formal with them for the longest time (she calls Barbara, Lee and Tabby 'Ma'am' for the most part because she may like them, but she doesn't think they see her as family. She's just the token girlfriend).

- So there's a scene where they connect, possibly over Tabby's hand and Ecco's head since I hc that Ecco gets headaches and migraines a lot (considering that she still gets shot in the head by Miah, like I said, this AU isn't necessarily the most bullet proof in terms of linear timelines)

- But so is Gotham so-

- So there's possibly a scene where Ecco's headache is getting super bad and no one's around (especially not Miah to dote on her) and Tabby awkwardly tries to bond by telling her about her hand and how she can't feel much (is a little clumsy with it) and Ecco immediately imprints on her like a duckling

- Maybe it's even the first time anyone reached out to Ecco in a way that feels genuine, especially without the twins or any of her (various) other partners being present so now she's willing to die for Tabby

- Which ends in her also calling her 'Mum' (while she keeps calling Lee and Barbara 'Ma'am' and Lee's so mad ajsnsjdj she was trying so hard to bond with this kid but couldn't quite get it right and you're telling her her socially pretty clumsy - but still wonderful of course - wife managed with just one conversation?? Slander

- And of course because I can't stop myself, there would be even more tidbits here and there of Tabby overcoming her previous way of living (as in, thinking caring or showing emotions is weakness) by having her reminisce a LOT about Theo

- For example by having Jerome climb into bed with her while Barbara's sleeping and Tabby is waiting for Lee to come home

- Lee works as a doc in the narrows which may be a little illegal, but the people didn't just stop needing help after her Queen of the Narrows arc was over, so I vote she keeps at it (and is held in very high regard for it by pretty much everyone)

- Tabby always stays up until everyone is home because she likes knowing where everyone is and that they're safe while Jerome has frequent nightmares and wanders around the house, so this isn't a rare occurrence

- And sometimes, they talk Theo

- "You miss him?" - "Don't know."

- "I wish he was still alive so I could kill him." - "....Me too." - "Which one?" - "...Both."

- (ajajsbssj this is all just copy pasted and cleaned up a lil', leave me and my pretentious way of writing dialogue alone)

- Tabby also has a lot of interludes where she thinks about what growing up with Theo was like/her childhood in general

- How she always protected him from other children bullying him and how they swore to have each other's back but how in hindsight, she was the one doing all the dirty work for him, helping him fulfill his dream and enact his revenge

- Realizing that he probably never cared for her, not like she cared for him

- There's also allusions to them having sex because you cannot tell me they did NOT have sex

- And it ends with Tabby realizing that she is quite happy with how she ended up, even if it's neither how she thought she would ever live nor what her old self would've even wanted, possibly seeing too many attachments as 'weak' judging by the way she canonly used Butch for convenience sake at first

- And yeah, maybe now she can provide the family - the Mother - somebody else desperately needs

- So she brings Silver home

[toeil]

summer is over, and so are we. [2] ↠ jung jaehyun

[pt.1] [pt.3]

➹ jaehyun x reader x doyoung ➹ genre: angst, fluff ➹ word count: 3,343

➹ summary: He introduced you to a warm summer you thought you would never have to leave. Yet, here you are, in the middle of a ruthless winter which’s ending seems to be nowhere in sight.

a/n; totally forgot to ever post the part 2 for this...i was going through my google docs and i found this and the part 3 so im just gonna post it now LOL it’s old so my writing is kind of funky but i tried to fix as much as i could without rewriting the whole thing smh 

“Are you going to go on another date with Doyoung?” You could feel Johnny shift his gaze from his phone screen over to you. 

“You already know the answer to that.” You sounded disinterested as you continued to scroll down the current page you had opened on your laptop. 

“Let me rephrase. Go on another date with Doyoung.” You sighed and turned your body towards him on the couch, “Johnny, sometimes just understand things, alright?” 

“You make me really sad, y/n. It’s been a year, when will you allow yourself to move the fuck on?... Jaehyun has.” He mumbled the last part to himself, hoping it would fall on deaf ears. But of course it didn’t. 

Your shoulders stiffened up, “Jaehyun’s dating someone?” 

Johnny offered you a sympathetic look, “yeah. She’s the daughter of one of his mom’s friends. You don’t know her.” You looked away from him and nodded, returning back to your laptop screen. 

Johnny tried again after a few minutes, “Doyoung said he had a lot of fun at the bubble tea place you guys went to. He really likes you, you know? I really think you should consider going out with him again. Maybe you guys could go to the carnival.”

The mention of the carnival piqued your interest, “the carnival?”

“Yeah! You know the one that comes every year and sets up at the river?” You knew it well. That carnival was one of Jaehyun’s favorite things and he went every year. You knew because he used to tell you stories about it all the time, you never knew such crazy things could go down at a carnival. You were supposed to go with him last year, but because of work you had to cancel and promised to go with him the next year. Oh, how foolish you were then.

“Never heard of it.”

“Really? It’s a lot of fun. You’d enjoy it, especially if you went with Doyoung!”

If you went would you see Jaehyun? “Alright...I’ll go.” 

“With Doyoung?”

“With Doyoung.” 

Next week rolled around and although you admit you weren’t extremely excited for today, as soon as you stepped out of Doyoung’s car you felt yourself start to feel a little bubbly at the sight of the carnival in the distance. It was dark enough for the owls to nestle into their homes up in the trees, but the stalls and booths and the rides that were still set up all vibrated with brightly colored neon lights that the moonless night was soon forgotten by everyone. Since it was so late, not a single child was running rampant with parents chasing them around, and that definitely was a plus. You looked around and watched people's excitement seemingly increase with each step they took towards the entrance, laughing and shouting next to their friends about what the night ahead them was going to hold.

 As soon as you got in, you noticed the carnival was a lot bigger than you had pictured. There were two roller coasters, big ones with loops, a drop tower, a ferris wheel, and even bumper cars. They had also set up, what looked like to you, a thousand booths. Ones where you could play games and win prizes of various sizes and values and ones where you could get palm readings and such. You wondered how difficult it must be to move this stuff around from place to place. 

Your eyes found their way back to the rollercoasters and you felt that tiny ounce of excitement start to fizzle out with nervousness and regret. But as soon as you looked up towards Doyoung you felt your fizzled out excitement being replaced with something else you couldn’t decipher. It wasted no time in spreading through your chest. His eyes were shining brighter than the lights ahead of you, and you swore you had never seen someone smile so big; he was practically glowing from the inside out. 

“Where do you want to go first?” He asked, practically bouncing.

You couldn’t help but smile back at him, “wherever you want to!” 

“Should we ride the rollercoaster first?” He watched your face drop and he miserably failed at trying to stifle his laugh.

“Oh haha, yes very funny,” you rolled your eyes, “you know what? Let’s go ride both of the rollercoasters right now! I’m not scared! And I refuse to ride them after we eat funnel cake.”

“I was just joking, we really don’t have to ride them! Like at all, if you don’t want to.” You straightened yourself out, “I want to. C’mon! Let’s go.” You two paid for the red wristbands which would allow you to ride any of the rides, and made your way over to the first roller coaster. The line wasn’t long so in no time you two found yourselves getting buckled into the ride. Your arms were heavy, your knees were weak, and your palms were sweaty. You could practically feel your soul leave your body and the ride hadn’t even started moving yet. Doyoung, on the other hand, already had his adrenaline pumping. He looked over and noticed your stiff body language and asked if you were okay. 

“I’m fin- oh god, it’s moving.” Your body jerked up as soon as you felt the roller coaster car start to slowly inch forward. Out of the corner of your eye you saw Doyoung move his arm over to you, “you can hold onto me if you’re scared, y/n. It’s okay.” At this point, the roller coaster car was at the peak of the ride, and as soon as the chains released the cars you wasted no time in grabbing his arm and stuffing your face into his side, screaming.

Doyoung has his free arm lifted up in the air and he’s happily screaming. His heart’s thumping loudly against his chest and he can very clearly hear it in his ear, and maybe it’s because of the ride or maybe it’s because you’re wrapped around his arm. Probably both. Either way, he was enjoying it. 

Once the ride was over you finally let go of him and let out a sigh of relief. You slowly ask him, “should we go on the other one now?”

“Maybe we can save that for next time?” Next time?

“Yeah, next time, that works for me.” 

“Look at that flamingo!” Your eyes followed Doyoung’s finger towards a ring toss game. There was a giant fluffy pink flamingo hanging at the top attracting everyone's attention. “Let’s go try to win it!” 

Doyoung paid the staff member and got a bucket of rings for five dollars and within seconds he had used up all the rings. He huffed, “what the heck?...Excuse me,” he pulled another five dollar bill out of his wallet, “can I try again?” The staff member collected the rings he had just thrown and handed them back to him, “good luck!” Doyoung tried again and got only one ring which earned him one of the smaller prizes on the bottom shelf. He clicked his tongue out of annoyance, “keep it. I want to try again for the flamingo.” You silently chuckled to yourself watching him get frustrated over a ring toss game. He tried again and failed...again. He turned to you in disbelief, “oh my god??? y/n this game is rigged! Let me tr-”

“No! Doyoung, let’s go walk somewhere else and then we can come back okay?” You could tell he wanted to protest but he bit down on his tongue and decided to follow you away from the ring toss game. “Oh, look. The balloon dart game looks a lot easier.”

“But the prizes suck.” 

You hummed, “yeah, they aren’t as cute at the flamingo. Let’s go get funnel cake and then let’s go on the drop tower and then we can go back to the ring toss and I’ll give it a shot this.” 

“The drop tower?? Are you sure?” He eyed you suspiciously.

“Yes! I actually really like the tower drop! And it’s not even that high here.” 

He looked back at the tower drop peeking up over all the booths, “I don’t know...that looks pretty high to me.”

“Are you scared of it?”

“No! I’m just curious as to how you’d want to ride that but be scared of roller coasters that don’t even go up as high as that.” He retorted.

“The world works in many mysterious ways, Kim Doyoung. Now come on, let’s get in line for the funnel cake.” 

While you two shared a plate of funnel cake at the seating area under a tent, without noticing, Doyoung had gotten quite a bit of powdered sugar all over his jeans. When he stood up you couldn’t help but double over in laughter, “how’d you get all that on your pants!?” You tried to say between breaths. His face turned a light crimson color as he turned his back towards you and tried to wipe it off around the crotch area of his jeans. “It’s not my fault they put so much of that stupid sugar!”

After you had calmed down from your laughing fit and Doyoung had calmed down his racing heart, you two made your way to get on the drop tower. When you got off,  you complained about how it wasn’t as climactic as the one at the amusement park. 

Soon enough, you guys had come back around to the ring toss game, just like you had promised. This time, you gave up five dollars for the bucket of rings but just as you were about to toss the first one, Doyoung stopped you. “Wait, let me try one more time.” You gladly handed it over to him and felt your heart warm up at the sight of him closing his eyes to try and prepare himself. 

A few seconds later your ears caught on to a boyish laughter coming from behind. You knew exactly who it belonged to. That was a sound you could never forget. Every nerve and cell in your body told you not to, but you turned around anyway. And there he was, laughing with some unfamiliar girl next to him. She gave him a little flirtatious shove, which only egged on his honey-like laughter even more. He looked down at his feet as he stumbled a few steps away from her. As he brought his gaze back up, his eyes fell on you standing a short distance away from him. His smile began to falter as he froze in his spot, watching you with a sort of surprised and confused look. This was the first time you had seen each other since the break up and it felt weird. You felt like your lungs were being compressed and there was no room for you to breathe. 

He looked different. The clothes he was wearing were different from what he’d usually feel comfortable in. His natural silky black hair was dyed a soft brunette color. The earring you had gotten him a while ago was replaced with another silver one that dangled from his ear. This wasn’t the Jaehyun you were used to seeing everyday. You had him memorized, but staring back at him now, it was like you knew nothing. He just felt different. 

The longer you stared at him the more you felt your brain wanting to reminisce about what you two had shared. And as soon as you felt your eyes start to sting, you swung back around. Doyoung felt your arm brush against his and he looked away from the ring toss game down at you with a grin, “y/n! Did you see how clos-...y/n?” He quickly set the bucket of rings down and his hands instinctively flew up to either side of your cheeks. His eyes had gotten wide with worry, “are you crying? y/n? Why are you crying? Wh- what happened?” His voice didn’t do well to hide his panic. 

You shook your head and sniffled, allowing your lips to form a weak smile, “I’m not crying! I had a sneeze coming, and it was so close so my eyes started to water. But now it’s gone.” Doyoung’s face instantly flushed a bright red and he removed his palms from your cheeks so fast, as if he had just touched a burning pot or something, “O-oh! Sorry! I didn’t- I just- I thought you were crying s-so I got worried.” 

You grabbed the bucket he had set down and pulled out a ring. You cleared your throat and allowed yourself to let out a soft chuckle, “It’s fine....Can I try?” He enthusiastically nodded and moved to the side to give you some room before grabbing a ring for himself, “I think if we both throw some at the same time then we might get a few in and finally win.” 

He was right. You two had won the game and watching Doyoung become so ecstatic for a stuffed toy had you quickly forgetting about that small encounter with Jaehyun. Doyoung had wanted to give you the flamingo, claiming he wanted to win it for you, but you insisted he kept it because he was the one who got in the last ring that won you guys the game. And after a short amount of back and forth bickering, he had accepted it. Now you two were seated on the ferris wheel, looking up at the sky and taking in the beauty of the stars that were scattered perfectly across the night. 

“Hey, can I give you something?” 

“Sure.” “Hold out your hand.” You obliged and held your hand out, palm facing up. Doyoung reached in his pocket and brought it back out, closed in a fist. He hovered his fisted hand over your open one, and when he opened it, nothing fell out. Before you could allow yourself to feel confused, he had grabbed your hand and intertwined his fingers with yours. Your breath got caught in your throat at the feeling of his warmth spreading to your hand, slowly traveling up to the rest of your body. He let your now enclosed hands fall down to his side and leaned over the ferris wheel car to look below to try and act unbothered, but you didn’t miss the embarrassment creeping up his neck. Your eyes traveled back down to your hands and you felt a shy smile begin to form on your mouth. 

That night you laid in bed having trouble falling asleep because of this new feeling that was forming in the pit of your stomach. Because of this weird burning feeling that you felt on the same hand Doyoung had held. Because of the uncontrollable beating of your heart. Because of your thoughts running wild with Doyoung’s name. Because you couldn’t think of Jaehyun even if you wanted to. 

Maybe you were finally ready to move on. 

5 years later

Today was the day you had always dreamed of for yourself ever since the first time you had led the wedding ceremony for your barbie doll and her other half, Ken. Today you were marrying your other half too, Kim Doyoung. 

You dated him four years, and was engaged to him for one. When Doyoung first asked you to be his girlfriend, you had yes because you realized you deserved to be able to find a loving person just like everyone else. And Doyoung was exactly that. At first you were afraid you’d be wasting his time, but when you realized that you never once compared Doyoung to Jaehyun, or even thought about Jaehyun when you were with him, you knew you weren’t using him or anything like that. And after that was when you realized you were in love with him and his bratty attitude. 

You were currently waiting in your bridal suite, completely ready since half an hour ago. The crowd of your friends and family that were helping you had finally left to give you some space, so now you were seated in front of your mirror in an empty room, trying to calm your racing heart and shaky hands. This was a huge step in your life and you couldn’t help but feel extremely nervous. 

You heard two soft knocks at your door and exhaled, “come in.” The door hesitantly creaked open.

“J-Jaehyun? What’re you-”

“Hey.” 

“...Hey?” It’s not like this was your first time seeing him after that day at the carnival. You had seen Jaehyun at gatherings and parties you went to plenty of times. But you two didn’t talk often, and weren’t really friends or anything, so you’re surprised to see him here. He was invited to the wedding but why is he here alone with you right now?

“You’re getting married today.”

“I am.”

“How do you feel?” His face was extremely hard to read.

“Jaehyun...do you need something?”

“I just wanted to talk...about what happened.”

“What happened?” You scoffed, what the hell is he thinking? You had imagined this scenario in your head many times before, when you would finally be able to talk to him about your past. But you didn’t ever picture it being on your wedding day. Quite frankly, you didn’t want to talk about it now, or ever for that matter, anymore.

He sighed and sat down on the chair a few feet away from you, “Just hear me out, okay?” He took your silence as an okay for him to continue.

“I broke up with you because I thought it was for the best. We were getting really serious, and I knew if we stayed together for any longer it would be harder for me to break it off. From the very beginning of our relationship we had an expiration date. I knew we couldn’t be together for a long time, but I was selfish and didn’t consider your feelings.”

“What do you mean?”

Jaehyun’s eyes were starting to water under the room lights, “I’ve mentioned to you before how much my mom has done for me, right?” You nodded, your face softening at the mention of his mother who had sacrificed so much for him. “Well, I promised myself I’d do anything and everything in my control to make her happy and have her never worry about me. She liked Jisoo a lot and always mentioned her to me. She never said it to me directly, but I knew she wanted us to be together. So I was going to do just that, I’ll admit I did harbor feelings for her, but I knew once we started dating, she would be the one I would have to settle down with. Because of that, I dated a lot of girls for short periods of time that I liked. And you were supposed to be the same. But as our relationship progressed I would find excuses to just date you for a little while longer.”

“Jaehyun, stop, please? I don’t- I don’t need this right now, okay? I’m about to get married in less than an hour.”

“I know...I’ll stop...I just- I need you to answer one thing for me. And you have to be honest.”

“What is it?”

“Do you love me?”

“...What kind of game are you trying to play with me?”

“I’m not trying to play any game with you, y/n. I just need to know.”

You didn’t reply for a while, and just stared at him. Trying to figure him out. When you finally decided to reply, you released a heavy sigh “I think I’ll always love you, Jaehyun.” 

He gave you a sad smile. “...The day we broke up, I told you it was because I didn’t think I could always love you, right?...I wasn’t lying. Because y/n, I don’t think I’ll always love you,” the tears he was holding back began to trickle down his face, “I know I will.”

[blund3r-bust3r]

I love your writing sm and was wondering if u had any tips?? Just on anything really lol, bc I sort of wanna try writing more lol

oh thank you so much! super flattered you want my advice lol. i’m just a hobbyist but i do have some tricks that i’ve picked up from the internet over the years that might be useful. wall of info inbound:

i’ll begin with workflow optimization because that’s more likely to be put into practice. staying comfortable is important :D for starters, i never type on a white background. the first thing i do when i open a new document is change the page color to a light green (my go-to is #C5E0B3). looks a little like this:

doing this helps to lower the contrast between background and type to reduce eye fatigue. idk about you but my job already has me staring at a screen for nine hours a day and the last thing i need is go blind from working in a default word doc. google docs can do this too. this also goes for themes -- change your word processor’s theme to a dark mode!

adding onto that, never use your pc in a dark room. like, in general, but doubly-so for writing. the blue  light isn’t good for your eyes, and on top of that, if you need to look at your keyboard to see what you’re typing, you’ll strain yourself further just trying to see the keys. i always have a lamp on when i’m writing, even during the day

not a bad idea to invest in a good chair if you use a desktop. if not, be sure to take frequent breaks so your spine doesn’t implode. additionally, and completely unnecessarily, mechanical keyboards can make writing really fun cause they go CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK super loud and it can be pretty satisfying. but maybe reconsider if you have a roommate lmao

fonts. my first draft is always written in comic sans cause it’s a silly little font and i like to look at it. however, when i go to edit, i switch it all back to calibri because the font shift helps my brain recalibrate and catch those errors i might have missed initially. two pairs of eyes are always better than one, but if you’re like me and you don’t use beta readers, this might be your next best option

cloud services! preferably a free one, like google docs. since we’re working with type documents, we really don’t need a lot of storage, so the free ones work just fine. super useful for access across devices, something i use frequently since i switch between desktop and laptop depending on how i’m feeling. more importantly, it allows you backups in case something gets lost or corrupted. take it from an animation student: CLOUD SERVICES ARE YOUR FRIEND. i always upload my wips and completed documents to a dedicated folder online. it’s a good habit

do you listen to music to focus? i sure as hell can’t. even instrumentals throw me off sometimes. what i like to do if i can’t focus, or if there’s some external noise distracting me (which is often), is pull up some 10 hour oscillating fan video on youtube and crank that shit until my ears are pure white noise. works like a charm

alright now on to the actual writing tips. these are what i found work for my process but maybe some could benefit yours too

at minimum, know your beginning and ending. it doesn’t have to be super specific but it does help having a goal in mind of where you want your characters to end up. the details can come later

outlines are nice! but they don’t work for everyone. some fic writers just blast on through without anything guiding them and i consider those people to be above mortal weakness. others like to plan so they always know where they’re heading next (i’m others). an outline should never be too detailed though, at risk of it becoming too rigid. leave yourself room for freedom by saving the intricacies for the writing process

also, outlines don’t necessarily have to be finished! as long as you know your ending, partial outlines are sometimes enough to get you started. that’s how i’m doing things with my story

don’t get married to your ideas. sometimes things change and those plans you had for later don’t fit anymore. this is totally okay, because odds are, whatever those changes were, they're necessary enough to warrant removing those ideas to begin with

you don’t have to write from point A to point B all the time. sometimes i get bored with a scene and i put it on hold and move on to another one that i think might be more fun in the meantime. you’ll always have time to stitch it together later

set a word count minimum whenever you sit down to write. it doesn’t have to be recurring, and it doesn’t have to be big. just whatever you feel like you can hit. a thousand sound like too much right now? go for five hundred. or three hundred. it doesn’t matter the size of the goal as long as you’re able to reach it. helps keep your mental happy

use periods more often. this might sound kinda silly, but trust me. snappier sentences are easier to follow. it also inadvertently avoids run-on sentences, which, in my experience, give me a sense of anxiety because i tend to read through those faster, like i’m in a hurry. idk if it’s the same for everyone, but whatever feeling it invokes, it’s probably not the one you’re intending. so, periods

which reminds me! fight scenes: shorter sentences, less detail. your readers don’t have to see everything as it perfectly plays out in your head. just give them a general idea and let their imaginations fill in the rest. dialogue: the less you can say in quotations, the better. saves wordcount too. sometimes it’s unavoidable and that’s whatever, especially in informal writing like fic, but it’s good to keep in mind. another good thing to keep in mind? you don’t have to lay out a whole setting in the first paragraph. sprinkling in details throughout a scene to slowly paint the picture of a subject / setting is a lot more engaging

i think my biggest thing when it comes to fic is FORMAT YOUR STORY!!! by which i mostly mean paragraphs. you don’t even have to know the rules when it comes to indenting necessarily. just remember that too many paragraphs is better than two little. reading long, singular blocks of text can not only be intimidating, but draining. here’s some simple rules to keep in mind if you’re ever not sure when to indent: if a new person is speaking, indent. if the subject switches, indent. if you REALLY want to put emphasis on a particular sentence, indent. and then indent again so that sentence is all on its own :)

obviously the rules of writing are super flexible and nothing is set in stone so you can do whatever suits your style. i know it’s a lot lol but i hope at least one thing in here makes your life a little easier! good luck with your future stories :D

[samsbastardzone]

Hey, you know that 35 d&d questions ask meme? I answered all of them.

This is a long ass post. Be warned. It took up seven and a half pages in google docs. Original post here.

1. A favorite character you have played.

Would have to be Zize Fortier, dragonborn gunslinger. Their tag on this blog is #zize and you can find their bio and info on my character page. Love that bastard!! He’s sweet and bratty and a total delight to play (we are such an OP party, y’all).

2. Your favorite character that someone else has played.

UM UM gonna talk about a few here. To be fair to people I play a *lot* of games with, I’m only gonna  talk about one PC per person.

- The bastard trio in my Wildemount game– @toomanyorphans ’s Nakoria, @overplannedbutunnamednpc ‘s Zier (also an NPC in the campaign Zize is in), and @glasyasbutch ‘s Nissy. They all really suck so bad but in SUCH funny ways. They’re varying degrees of self centered and awful, but we trust each other in this campaign, and those 3 players are SO funny in their RP.

- (RIP) Avri in my Wildemount game. They and Bly named each other,,,,  they were parent and child…… VERY sweet. huge goliath with tiny bird in backpack.

- @bekahdoesnershit ‘s Raini. Zize’s BFF, and her tag on that blog is rich. She’s SUCH a bitch but we love her.

- @bhissar ‘s Saela. She is a dream character for me to DM for– very little fleshed out backstory with room to explore, with still-concrete events in it. Consistent character choices and personality, to the point I can sometimes predict what she’ll do. Very cool aesthetically. And overall? EXTREMELY sweet. Baby, baby bird.

3. Your favorite side quest.

Either the one going on right now in amnesia, where we have to collect brain matter from big powerful elementals, or the stop we made at a family of vampires in Acarnya (the one I played Osfyr in).

4. Your current campaign.

There are five of those, with two on hold. 

-Wildemount, aka the Frozen Sick module from Explorer’s Guide to Wildemount (we’re almost done with that, my PC is Bly). 

-Amnesia campaign aka high level campaign: we woke up in hell with no memories! PC is Zize. 

-Hoard of the Dragon Queen module, near the beginning of that, PC is Pointy. 

-Horror campaign, only two sessions so far, but we’re trapped in an alternate dimension carrying out tasks for a creepy dude. PC is Vinny. 

-Kithan, where we’re high level monster hunting guild members searching  out ancient artifacts of the gods (campaign based on the Monster Hunter games), PC is Topaz.

-Silas, party is currently trying to help dragons free themselves and stop a… dude? No spoilers! I DM. On hold because I had too many campaigns going at once.

-Silas v2: extremely vaguely based on the plot of season one of the web series Carmilla. A tweaked version of the first arc the Silas party went through. On hold because it was played in person at school.

5. Favorite NPC.

I don’t really have any NPCs in my campaigns that I’m super attached to, except– Nikeo, a goliath rogue PC in Silas 1, had many adopted children. Three of them– kobolds– sometimes stand on each others’ shoulders, put on a long coat, and help out around their parent’s store. They’ve named themselves Koby.

As for favorite NPCs in campaigns I’ve played, I can think of… a lot. The first is Laurel, a blue dragonborn loner type who followed Osfyr and friends in Acarnya. They were kind of broody and dark, but they really drew me in. They were the first NPC we really talked to– they were sitting on top of the post office laughing at the mob scene of people protesting not getting their mail delivered.

I’d also pick Osfyr’s partners in that campaign– Yelkian, a backstory love interest I came up with, a flamboyant soft sorcerer. Jupiter, politician’s niece, who took pity on Osfyr’s attempts to seduce information out of her and let them succeed on both counts (seduction and information). Xerxes, extra AF rogue with a big loving family, who swept in after a fight on the back of an eagle-wildshaped Brysth (npc druid). 

There’s a blue dragon in the HOTDQ campaign that we don’t know much about. I really enjoyed the way @dungeonsanddraconicqueer played him. He’s just a dude! Lex’s warlock made a Deal with him to leave the town alone. We still don’t know the implications of that. It’s fine, guys.

And then, there’s Stewart the Skin Steward, a servant of False Mystra. Fun dude.  Very cavalier– nigh, enthusiastic!– about the fact that his entire city was made of skin. Something of a skin connoisseur, in fact!

6. Favorite death (monster, player character, NPC, etc).

Saela, hands down. She got breathed on by a dragon, yo. We then had to stop playing for 4-5 months because a player lost access to the Internet. I wrote a vision/speech from her warlock patron, the Raven Queen, the night she died, and basically didn’t touch it until I read it out in game. It involved a confession that the Queen was  tired of being a god, and showing Saela all the lives she’d touched. Then we used Matt Mercer’s rez rules for her. She came back– but it was her choice.

7. Your favorite downtime activity.

Fucking tinkering dude!!! I don’t get to do it enough as Zize and that is entirely my fault. @ morgan, eyes emoji

8. Your favorite fight/encounter.

I LOVE creepy shit. There was a train car with people dancing in it, and party members got enchanted to dance along and eat the food,  and the revelers were clearly in pain, and snuffing out a candle caused a reveler to disappear. Creepy shit!

In Kithan, we had to climb a staircase, and we timed it with produce flame which is a 10 minute duration cantrip, and we were climbing for 50 minutes. We started to see things in the edges of our vision. Then someone realized it was an illusion, and it all vanished. It freaked me out so bad.

In amnesia campaign, at level 19, we were traversing a cave, and our shadows started dripping the same black goop we were there to investigate. We killed one and it took down the max hp of the person whose shadow it was, and then they straight up didn’t have a shadow until they long rested. It really freaked us out, realizing the shadows were actually creatures, but they were like CR 1. Really effective use of a low level monster.

9. Your favorite thing about D&D.

The way it has something for everyone… the way it’s brought me so many friends… the way it’s inspired my OC creation like nothing else.

10. Your favorite enemy and the enemy you hate the most.

I’m not sure if this is asking about NPCs I’ve had as enemies, or any monster in D&D canon? The longest campaign I played in didn’t have long term enemies  per se. I’d say I was frustrated with the cultists that ambushed us last session in HOTDQ,  but I didn’t hate them! I just couldn’t seem to hit or dodge them. As for a favorite… probably False Mystra: the demon lord Orcus who’d taken over  the position, and therefore the duties, of Mystra, the god of arcane magic.  We killed it,  but then whoopso!! Our wizard lost her powers.

11. How often do you play and how often would you ideally like to play?

I play an ideal amount, honestly: four times a week, for about 2.5-3 hours a session. HOTDQ Tuesdays, Kithan and horror campaign switching off Wednesdays, Wildemount Thursdays cause we miss CR, Amnesia Sundays.

12. Your in game inside jokes/memes/catchphrases and where they came from.

Amnesia: Yocheved, the party barbarian/full time fish, has a secret third arm and/or a prosthetic ass. Cylthia, the druid, does arson (but actually). Relentless is a Crown paladin, so she puts her fingers in her ears when we do crime/lie. She also has a rod of lordly might that, immediately post amnesia, she made into a 32 foot climbing pole. Yocheved eats pounds and pounds of raw fish for every meal.

Wildemount: just the shenanigans and sabotaging each other that the Bastard Trio get into. Example: Nissy was tasked with buying Zier a cloak for cold weather and purposely got him an  ugly one. Zier then prestidigitated it to be a nicer color.

13. Introduce your current party.

Oh boy, I have 6 of those. Here goes. Keep in mind many of these characters are played and games are DMed by my friends who have OC blogs of their own: Raini and Ayen are bekahdoesnerdshit, Ezra, Nissy, and Roona are glasyasbutch, Horror DM, Lent, Eve, and Nakoria are toomanyorphans, Wildemount DM, Saela, Daecyne, and Cylthia are bhissar, HOTDQ DM is dungeonsanddraconicqueer, and Amnesia DM, Zier, Nyxi, and Sarril are overplannedbutunnamednpc. Not an OC blog, but Yocheved, Avri, Arbor, Thraf, Nikeo, and Whisper are mickgoesabsolutelyhamforbarbie.

Amnesia (Zize): Lent, tiefling paladin, former crownsguard who “fell” (became an oathbreaker), then un-fell when we lost our memories. Cylthia, tiefling/elf druid who can shift between tiefling and elf forms and loves setting things on fire. Yocheved, 14 foot tall nereid (fishfolk) barbarian with a dry sense of humor, is the party parent. And Raini, aasimar wizard, sass machine and Zize’s bff.

HOTDQ. My PC is Pointy. Ezra, quiet human paladin. Theata, moon elf rogue. Freya, sweet (human?) light cleric who sometimes misreads situations. Eve, 13 year old (!!) human warlock who kinda sucks, but like, she’s 13. Nyxi, motherly gnome bard who Is going to adopt Pointy. 

Wildemount (Bly): Alene, human barbarian. Quiet and with somewhat of a parent instinct. Some sort of Mysterious Backstory. Delta, aasimar rogue, similarly shady backstory? Unclear. Sticks with Alene. Nissy, drow rune knight, sucks. Zier, drow sorcerer, also sucks. Nakoria, dragonborn warlock, ALSO sucks. (Those three make up the Bastard Trio.) Avri (F for them), goliath bard and Avri’s guardian, died last session by falling on a floor full of knives. 

Horror campaign (Vinny): Roona, halfling bard, very impulsive, eats exclusively with her spoon that says ASS, and chills in Vinny’s fanny pack. Ayen, elven teenage warlock with a dark backstory. Sarril, Ayen’s not-dad, half elf beast barbarian who got it from his wife. Arbor, dryad  monk, who wears an all white plague doctor outfit at all times.

Silas v1 (DM), Original party before 1 left and 1 died: Hacka (RIP), human luchador-styled drunken monk. Nikeo (left), goliath rogue with so many adopted children. Inferno, fire genasi paladin/phoenix sorcerer with anger and impulse control issues. Saela, babiest aarakocra warlock of the Raven Queen. Hacka’s player now plays Voda, a stoic water genasi tempest cleric who cast Raise Dead successfully on Saela. Nikeo’s player now plays Whisper, a tabaxi astral soul monk.

Kithan (Topaz): Thraf, monsterborn (universe-compliant dragonborn) barbarian. Very social, very outgoing, very stupid, and very traumatized. Fucks majorly. Daecyne, sweet tiefling druid and Topaz’s good friend. Viosa, aasimar homebrew class I forget the name of, uses her small stature and allure to her advantage. Damur, half-orc eldritch knight, the party’s only braincell.

14. Introduce any other parties you have played in or DM-ed.

Acarnya. My PC was Osfyr. Soraphine, traumatized halfling bard. Azalea, human fighter. Durzuell, haughty high elf sorcerer. James, nerdy half elf wizard. Drago, erratic Russian dragonborn monk. Kairon, slightly edgy ranger/paladin (but we love him). 

Nordenheim. My PC was Cap. I will admit: we only played 2 or 3 sessions, so I don’t really remember  most of the other party members except Rory, a fire genasi ranger who almost burned to death.

Silas v2 (hopefully will continue; I DMed): Kysseris IV. Half-elf paladin, uptight. Tower 1-6, warforged wizard who crawled out of the desert and is looking for info on how he was made. Mae “Pock”, gnome rogue, very small and  sweet. Josh, human trickery cleric, kind of an asshole, but in a way that’s funny and hasn’t bled over into IRL annoying.

[school] West Marches campaign (Ner): by the nature of West Marches, there was never a consistent party, but a few stood out to me. Red Foot, a hyperactive kobold sorcerer who’s level 8 against all West Marches odds. Lyra, Great Old One warlock of Tzee’Mhor, an abomination goat that a party I was in accidentally created. Fildo Baggins, divination wizard who can only affect allies whose toenail clippings he has in his vial.

15. Do you have snacks during game times?

Hell yeah babey!!! I mostly play digitally, especially during COVID, and I need something to munch after DMing for a while. Shit’s exhausting.

16. Do you play online or in person? Which do you prefer?

Welp! Online mostly, since everyone I want to play with has the audacity to live far away, and now exclusively online because of COVID.

17. What are some house rules that your group has?

Our Amnesia party is so rich that we just don’t keep track of money. In Kithan, a lot of rules that make characters less powerful are just… abolished (like the bonus action spell rule). (The DM likes super OP characters so she can throw SUPER OP monsters at us.  My character has a necklace that gives 5 additional uses of channel divinity.)

18. Does your party keep any pets?

Nope. No opportunities for them. Zize’s party has a little water snake on the druid’s arm but I doubt that will last very long.

19. Do you or your party have any dice superstitions?

Absolutely. Cursed dice get j a i l.

20. How did you get into D&D? How long have you been playing?

Acarnya got me into d&d, it was my first campaign, and it was happening at the place I lived. I’ve been playing almost 2 years. (Critical Role inspired me to DM)

21. Have you ever regretted something your character has done?

Not sent a fucking letter to say goodbye to their boyfriend before the world-fate-deciding bullshit that was gonna happen and possibly destroy shit. It was fine in the end though!

22. What color was your first dragon?

Red. Man, that guy sucked, he almost killed Osfyr. We were investigating a monastery secretly run by dragons disguised as humans.

23. Do you use premade modules or original campaigns?

Original campaigns. I’ve never run a module before! I’m not opposed, but most of my campaigns came from ideas  that I had. I’ve never been short on ideas for a game.

24. How much planning/preparation do you do for a game?

As a player, I just open my character sheet and get out dice. As a DM, I try and think about what material I want to get through this session, and write some narration and/or stat things out if I feel like it.

For DMs

25. What have your players done that you never could have planned for?

A lot of times, Inferno has rushed into battle from what I’d built as a stealth mission, and gotten her ass and sometimes the party’s asses kicked. I should really have learned by now.

26. What was your favorite scene to write and show your characters?

Definitely Saela’s resurrection ritual and vision.

27. Do you allow homebrew content?

Yes! I’ll check it first,  but I’m all for expanding the boundaries. I homebrew items and monsters all the time, why shouldn’t my payers get to homebrew their shit?

28. How often do you use NPCs in a party?

Too often in my first arc. I had like 7 NPCs running around at all times (they were Carmilla characters). Super not recommended. I have 0 right now.

29. Do you prefer RP heavy sessions or combat sessions?

I’m still finding my groove with RP as a DM. I like encouraging my players to RP amongst themselves. I consider myself fairly good at combat on both sides of the equation, DM and player, so that’s always fun to me, especially when my players enjoy it too.

30. Are your players diplomatic or murder hobos?

I have one actively reforming murder hobo player, the rest are diplomatic. (The character, Inferno, is having a great growth arc. I’m super proud.)

For Players

31. What is your favorite class? Favorite race?

I fucking love genasi as a concept. Favorite class would have to be rogue or cleric, but gunslinger’s up there too.

32. What role do you like to play the most? (Tank/healer/etc?)

I  honestly don't have the patience to not play DPS. I love doing lots of damage. Healing is satisfying, support is satisfying, but there’s a reason I picked rogue twice and tempest cleric over other domains.

33. How do you write your backstory, or do you even write a backstory?

Sometimes the backstory is part of the character concept– especially for Pointy, because I had the name first, then went hmm why would she have this name. Almost always, though, more backstory gets written during the campaign when I have an idea. Sometimes a character will act in a way I don’t expect, and it’s fun thinking of a justification to fill backstory gaps.

34. Do you tend to pick weapons/spells for being useful or for flavor?

Mostly  usefulness honestly. I’ll make choices among several for flavor, but I’m a big proponent of using mechanics to build character. What I mean is, think about Magnus in TAZ Balance– his protection fighting style contributed a lot to the way Travis played him as a protective person. I love that shit.

35. How much roleplay do you like to do?

I like to do a lot, but unfortunately my  energy is pretty down lately so I haven’t been doing as much.

[irwinkitten]

carry on | m.c

requested: kinda? it’s part two of the bi!reader series. pairing: bi!reader x Michael notes: so this is part two to the bi!reader series. i’ve been working on this for the last two? three? weeks now. i had only intended to be like, 5k at most? maybe 6k at a push. but here we are, 30k words later. just a quick thank you to @burncrashbromance for setting this series in motion (you can find in love here.) i would also like to thank @glitterprincelu, @astroashtonio , and @hereforlukescruff for being personal cheerleaders when i needed them. (especially to allie as well who let me use her name, i love u soulmate #1) i want to also thank @hotmessmichael who kept reminding me that it wasn’t entirely shit. also shout out to @calumh-excess for being moral support through the last half of the fic and reminding me to take sanity breaks. love u rum auntie h. massive shout out to the rest of the girls in the nothin’ but love gc too ( @notoriouslyhood, @meetashthere, @valentinelrh, @softforcal) y’all have been my fucking rocks when i wanted to smack my head against heavy objects. 

warnings: angst, fluff, very slow burn.  word count: thirty fucking thousand words. with a couple of extra.  (30,125 words to be precise. 79 pages in google docs.)

---

“Y/N, you need to go, you’ve still got to get through security!” Her mum called out, wrapping her daughter in a tight hug.

It was going to be a long flight to LA, and she was nervous as anything.

“Promise us you’ll at least call whilst you’re out there? I’m going to miss hearing you strumming away.” At this, she laughed, a soft grin on her lips as she kissed her mother's cheek.

“I promise. Please don’t make me cry, I’ve still got to say goodbye to Allie.” At this, her mum chuckled before planting another kiss to her forehead before letting her go.

Y/N practically threw herself in her girlfriend’s arms, peppering her face in kisses, earning a laugh from Allie.

“Look at you, getting your shot in LA. I’m so damn proud of you.” And she knew that her girl was over the moon, but the tears shared between the two still spoke of the worries and sadness they felt at the distance that was about to come between them.

“I’ll text as often as possible babygirl, I promise.”

“Y/N!” She groaned at her name being called before leaning forward, pressing a soft kiss goodbye to her girlfriend.

“I love you Allie, don’t forget that.”

And then she was practically rushing away, carry on in one hand with her guitar slung over her shoulder, waving to her girl and her family.

---

The journey felt exhausting. When she’d left, it had been eight am. Yet as she landed, the time told her it was only ten am and she quickly realised today was going to be a very long one.

Managing to get an Uber to the hotel that was booked for her, she got her stuff checked in and sent the message to her mum and Allie that she had arrived safely in LA and that she was setting off to explore for the day.

‘Take care of yourself’ came from her mother. ‘Eat all the ice cream you can today and send me selfies.’ came from Allie.

Sending a quick message to one of the producers she was meeting with the next day to let them know she’d arrived safely, she didn’t expect an invite for lunch in LA.

‘That way you’ll know a friendly face when you come into the studio and maybe we can talk over some of the ideas you have. It’s handy to go in prepared when you’re recording.’

And that was what led her to a small cafe, sat in the sunshine with John Feldmann.

“How are you liking LA so far?” She shrugged.

“It’s more humid than back in Britain. I don’t know how my hair is going to survive a month whilst we get this done.” John laughed.

“You’ll adapt. You’ll miss this humidity back home, I can bet it.”

“Oh I know I will.”

“I’ve managed to get one of the more bigger studios, I remembered you putting that small spaces whilst recording weren’t ideal?” At this, she laughed.

“It’s because I like to move. I can’t stay still unless I’m sat at the piano, but even then I’m more than likely rocking out.” John joined in with the laughter.

“I think I’m going to like working with you. I had to rearrange a few schedules, but overall none were bothered by it. I think we gave a few people the lie-ins the desperately wanted.”

“As long as I haven’t inconvenienced anyone. I’m still amazed that it was my track that was picked. Like, there were so many that seemed to much better than mine.” She admitted softly and John smiled. He knew the team had picked right.

“You simply turned the camera on and went for it. No recording equipment, no overlays of other instruments. Just you and the guitar. And it was such a refreshing and catchy sound, how could we not pick you?” Her cheeks had gone as red as a tomato.

“Glad to understand how I got picked. Honestly, this is like, a dream. Like, I’m gonna wake up in five minutes and my girl is gonna give me a kiss good morning before she’s off to work and then I’m gonna roll out of bed to my own job.” At this, John laughed.

“It can kind of feel that way sometimes. Did you want to head to the studio today to check out what you’re working with? I know today was meant to be introductory and giving you a chance to settle, but I know that knowing where you’re going into will help.” She nodded in understanding.

“Actually, I like the idea of that.”

---

The studio had been beyond her wildest dreams. The mixing board alone was bigger than her usual recording space, so the actual studio was a dream to be in.

She had met a few other faces that were going to be helping her and she recognised what John was doing. He was helping her build connections away from making the actual music.

But she networked herself well, managed to get a few details and her new start felt promising. She’d heard bad things about LA, but she knew that she needed to experience every bit of it to get her feet stuck in.

The day had felt like a whirlwind but it meant that at nine pm, she passed out having barely crawled under the covers.

The next day, felt almost like another whirlwind. Because she was staying in LA for the month, there was more time in the studio and with other writers to perhaps add or help adjust the songs.

What had pained her was having to pick a list of songs, so she simply brought the entire book that held her life in its pages, her heart and soul falling into the lyrics. It would be easier for others to see her work, to see the highest and lowest moments of her life.

And that was terrifying as fuck.

She greeted John with ease and she had to stop herself from having a starstruck moment as she realised who she was writing with.

“This is Alex Gaskarth and Michael Clifford, guys, this is Y/N.” John introduced and she shook their hands, her brain kicking into high gear as they sat down in the various chairs, a small coffee table between them.

“Nice to meet you. Feldy hasn’t shut up about finding real raw talent for the last week and a half.” This made her laugh.

“I just play the guitar and sing. If people see it as talented then I’ll roll with it. But it was hard earned talent.” Michael chuckled as he shook her hand.

“Good, it gives me less of a job when it comes to producing. I’ll be one of the producers for your EP.” She felt her lips grow even wider.

“Nice to know I’m in safe hands then.”

“Shall we get started?” Alex indicated to the book sat on the coffee table, and it was only a moment of hesitation before she nodded her head and opened it, sharing her fears and joys with total strangers to find and create the right songs.

---

The writing session seemed to be successful.

Finding the right songs seemed to take a lot of time, going over the melodies she had in her head which might or might not work, the others pitching their own ideas into the creation.

They had at least agreed on six songs, especially with both Alex and Michael finding songs that they refused to budge on, saying that both had to make the final EP list.

John had watched in amusement as they argued their cases for their picks to go on the list until Y/N had rolled her eyes at both of them and added them to the list, making both men pause. John chuckled.

“Don’t worry about that last spot, the record company agreed to seven anyway, which means you can still record the cover.” He reassured her and she relaxed a little bit. That then sent the two men into a mode of writing a list of songs that would make a potential album if she were ever to do one.

“With so many songs, and so many ideas, you might as well use this opportunity to get a tracklist for a potential album and maybe some demo versions. If you get picked up by a record label, if you’re prepared, you’ll shoot straight to the top.” Alex explained and she nodded her head.

“We made that mistake when we signed with Capitol. We only had an EP that we’d produced ourselves, but there was no album music. It took us another six months before we got there and it was in between tours. We realised fast, that anything we wrote or created need to be noted down as possibilities.” Michael continued and she found herself amused but understood the help they were offering.

So they continued through the songs, creating the tracklist as if she were making an album as well.

Eventually, time ran out for that day and Y/N stretched the kinks from her back as they stood up and exchanged numbers.

“We should be able to get that first beat tracked, and if you’re cool with it, could I bring a couple of friends who could help us with the rhythm on the last few songs? I’ve got a good beat but Ash is the only person who will be able to translate what I’m trying to explain.”

“Wait, you’re asking me?” The question had fallen from her lips before her cheeks flushed in shock. “Wait, sorry, I didn’t mean for that to sound so rude---uh---the last person I tried to produce with, they just brought people in and honestly, it made me hate the song.”

Michael frowned at her words before shaking his head.

“No, no, don’t apologise. That’s why I wanted to ask your permission. You don’t just bring people in.” Her scoffed and she chuckled.

“I think I can trust you to make sure that the beats wont get lost in translation.” Almost immediately, the book was opened to a semi-fresh page, the words being written down in a margin.

The three males all laughed as she snapped the book shut.

“You’re a breath of fresh air. C’mon, I’m hungry and we need to get to know you as a person, not just this British artist who struck gold.” Alex slung an arm over her shoulder and the group left the studio.

She could feel her excitement build in her stomach in anticipation of the next four weeks.

As promised, Michael had roped in his bandmates, Calum and Ashton to help with the rhythm on a few of her songs and when Ashton managed to understand what Michael was trying to convey, she felt her heart soar as the song began to craft itself.

That was when she very quietly asked if they could re-record the song she’d lost love for.

John was immediately for it and the others couldn’t find a reason to say no, so they listened to the song.

“The tune is right, but there’s too much going on. It’s like they were trying to sabotage your work or attempt to make house music. Still figuring that out.” Ashton muttered, making her laugh .

“I think it was more sabotage than anything, but I felt that I could never release the song. They absolutely ruined the song which I loved so much and I just, didn’t know how to make it good again. But seeing you get what Michael was trying to say, I want to trust myself and my instincts and actually get across the sound I want.”

So it became another brainstorming session. Thankfully, this was a full studio day, so Ashton had her play the bare tune on the guitar, nothing else as he got a feel for the stripped back version.

Calum, as she played, plucked a few strings and suddenly this riff was born and they were all thankful that Michael had set his phone to record these sessions.

It was with relief when they’d tracked the music and Michael promised he’d work on it separately to the EP.

“Consider it a special release. It’s the one song you loved, so it gets to be a single.” He shrugged and suddenly it felt very real to her.

The time difference between her and Allie made it a pain occasionally, especially when she’d called Allie on the break they had and lost track of time to the point that one of the boys had to come out to get her, but they didn’t give her grief for it.

“It’s difficult when your loved ones are in a totally different timezone.” John had smiled after another apology fell from her lips. “We get it, so don’t fret.”

“It’s just, with this chance I’ve had, my girl went for the promotion offer they had and she managed to get it. So she wanted to call me before they headed out to celebrate.” This earned her soft smiles from the guys.

As they tracked the various parts, they began to ask Y/N questions about home which also led to questions about Allie.

“How long have you two been together?”

“We celebrate two years at the end of next month.” The grin had already worked its way onto her lips. “Doing this distance is difficult, it was bad enough when I was doing small tours as a support and she couldn’t come with me. But she’s been one of the biggest supports, even before we started dating.”

“What, so you were friends to lovers?” Alex teased and the answering grin made him laugh.

“We were. We were the real cliche couple and everyone both loved and hated us for it.” This drew laughter from the group.

“Well at least we know who to rely on for the cheesy one liners and love songs.” This earned a snort of amusement.

“Please, my love songs pale in comparison. I mean, Stella is the best love song out there.” This set the group off in laughter again as she got called up to track the guitar.

---

As the month carried on, Y/N was introduced to so many faces at various functions and small parties that the guys hosted.

They had taken her to one of the open mic nights, getting her up on the stage in front of a different crowd to see how people would react and they loved her.

Especially when Ashton streamed one of the songs on Instagram and soon her socials were gaining a lot of traction and that was when the pressure was beginning to get felt with producing the tracks.

There were both good and bad days, the good days outweighing the bad, but sometimes they used the bad days to fuel the more emotional songs and that was when things began to fall into place.

It was at the end of the month after their final day in the studio that Michael had called Y/N as she was packing.

“I know you’re probably packing up, but you’ve still got three days in LA before you fly home. The guys and I were wondering if we could have a small get together to celebrate this new born friendship in the hopes that you’ll remember us when you’re rich and famous.” This had her laughing.

“Give me a couple of hours. I’m waiting for a call from Allie. I’ll text you when I’m done, yeah?”

“Sure, I’ll pick you up from the hotel.” And before she could protest, the call was cut.

When Allie called, she found herself smiling at how soft her girl looked, settled in bed with the duvet pulled around her, tired eyes lighting up.

“Hi baby.”

They talked about the last few days of the studio, as well as how Allie was settling into her newest role. She told her about the party and that it felt strange that they’d included her in their friendship group but Allie giggled.

“You’ve got friends for life in them, I can see it. I can’t wait to have you back in my arms.”

“A few more days and I’ll be home. Listen, I know it’s getting late. Get some rest baby, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Good luck with work.”

“You’re too sweet. Love you.”

“Love you too, night.”

The call cut and she lay back on the bed for a moment, a wide smile on her lips before she finally sent a text to Michael.

‘Just got off the phone to Allie. Give me a bell when you get here.’

It was easy to find some of the nicer clothes she had for get togethers, but she knew it was going to be more relaxed. So she kept it easy with black skinny jeans and a floral print dress shirt.

Keeping it simple with her hair down and light make-up, when Michael sent her the text  to say he’d arrived, she was ready to go. Making sure she had her keycard and phone, she headed down and found Michael’s car easily.

The drive to his place had been filled with easy chatter. They talked about the chances of radio play and touring.

“To have my own tour would be the goal, but I know I need to start off as a support. Build up the fanbase and get people excited for my music before doing something like that.” Michael laughed.

“Nothing wrong with being a support. We never had the experience of being support for various acts. We got lucky with One Direction and then we were doing our own shows and having other bands support us. It was crazy.” This had made the both them them laugh as he pulled up to his place.

“I remember. I’ve been a fan of the band for a long time.” She teased him with a laugh. “Although I wouldn’t say no to being a support act for Harry Styles.”

“I don’t know whether to be amused or offended.” His lips turned into a pout as they entered his place and heads turned to greet the newcomer.

“Y/N! Nice to see you finally made it. Why is Mike pouting?”

“Because I said that I wouldn’t say no to being a support act for Harry Styles.” She deadpanned before grinning.

“Ouch. You wound us all.” Ashton clutched at his heart, making her laugh as she accepted a beer from Calum and sat down.

“Have you heard his heavenly voice? Please. I would die every night on the tour listening to him sing.”

“You’re digging the knife in here, you’ve literally got at least three other bands sat with you and you’re talking about Harry Styles.” She laughed loudly.

“C’mon, I know y’all play his album. You can’t deny the truth.”

They laughed as the conversation settled into talks of the future for the bands and the shows coming up, as well as the finished music.

“What about you, Y/N?” Her reverie broke as she looked up at Alex’s question.

“Sorry, I missed what you asked.”

“What are your plans for the future career wise?”

“Hopefully get this EP out, maybe get some bookings. I’m gonna have to do a lot of gigging to keep up my end of the rent till the EP gets released and just hope that I get picked up for a couple of tours.”

“Allie holds the nine to five job then?” Luke queried and she nodded.

“She got lucky with the company she’s with. She’s done nothing but thrive, whereas I was barely struggling through each day at my old job. This came at the right time for me, and I’m a big believer in fate.” They lifted their beers in response to that.

“Well, that’s what we also wanted you around for.” Luke began, sharing a glance with his bandmates.

“We want you to join us for the entirety of the world tour.” Michael finished and she felt her jaw drop as her mind worked out the dates and the countries.

“Holy shit, are you serious?” She sucked in a sharp breath, placing the bottle down as she ran her fingers through her hair. “Are you really fucking serious?” This earned her a few chuckles.

“Absolutely. We managed to convince our management that you’d be a good opener for the tour. And we even gave them a firm reason why you’d be a good fit for the tour.” Michael continued the explanation before tapping away at his phone.

Suddenly, familiar guitar notes began playing through the speakers and a wave of emotion flooded her, tears falling as the song she had long hated, began to play and she felt her heart swell.

“Well done, you made her cry.” John joked as she hastily wiped at the tears as the song finished and she laughed.

“You helped bring life back into a song I thought I was going to hate forever. You don’t know how much this means to me.” She finally got out and Michael beamed.

“We played it to our management and they absolutely loved it. There’s an official offer coming your way, but we wanted to be the first ones to actually ask and then congratulate you.”

“How can I say no? Oh my god you assholes!” This set off more laughter as they lifted their bottles.

“To the best fuckin’ tour and the next number one artist.” Michael chimed and she could feel her face flush at his words.

“To Y/N!” Everyone else responded and she laughed as she took a swig of beer with them, realising how fast everything was going to change now.

---

When the official offer came through the next morning, she called up Michael and just let out a shriek of excitement before he’d even greeted her.

This led him to laughing as she tried to get her words out, but only could make incoherent noises over the phone.

“That offer is a fucking dream! Michael what the hell did you four do to convince them?” Her brain and mouth had finally connected, the stunned shock wearing off as excitement began to build .

“We didn’t do anything! And good morning to you too, sunshine.” She could hear the yawn and glanced at the time.

“It’s ten am, Michael.”

“I know. In my time, that makes it like, seven am.” He muttered and she laughed.

“I have so many questions about touring though, and what I should pack. Fuck, this is going to be nine months and I’ve only toured for two weeks at most. I haven’t even told Allie yet, or my parents. What about-”

“Stop, please.” Michael whinged down the phone, making her pause her tirade. “Give me till lunch and we’ll bombard Ashton’s place for a group meeting so you know what to expect on tour.” She let out a shaky breath as she regained herself, stopping the flow of questions that were desperately trying to escape.

“Alright. I’ll hold off from telling them. Uh, would-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll pick you up. Just be ready by one.” She let out a noise of relief and Michael laughed.

“Thank you Mike, see you in a few hours.” The call was cut and her eyes returned to the contract, her eyes going over every last part of it as she tried to get it into her head that this was really going to happen.

“Holy fuck, they’re never gonna believe this.” She muttered to herself as she half flung herself on the bed before an excited squeal left her lips.

---

Michael was leaning against the car waiting for her and he grinned as she ran from the doors of the hotel, half flinging herself at him, arms winding around his neck. His arms wound around her waist as he pulled her tightly.

“Well that’s a greeting and a half.”

“You guys got me on a nine month fucking tour, majority of my merch profits staying with me and a fucking record deal. How?” She pulled back, her lips in the biggest grin he’d seen the entire trip.

“We just showed them you. It was all of your talent that did it. They were really impressed by your work ethic, you didn’t slack during the production of your EP and they think that you’ve got some serious potential. I swear to you, we didn’t even have any kind of say. We just told them that we wanted you on the tour with us. It was management who decided to put you with us for the entire tour. As your stuff gets out and people get to know who you are, they’re almost certain you’ll be performing at award shows.” He explained as the two of them got into his car.

“Please don’t tease.” She whispered in shock and he laughed.

“You’d deserve it. Those songs fucking rule. Have you talked a release date for the EP?”

“They wanted it released at the end of January but decided to release it in March, before we fly out. They want fans to have time to learn my stuff and really get excited. Fuck, if this goes in the direction that you’re telling me, I’m going to have some kind of heart attack.” Michael laughed.

“Simply speaking it into existence. Y/N is going to have a number one award winning single and album. She is also going to play at awards shows and get nominations for awards. Best newcomer definitely.” His voice grew louder and she laughed, tears in her eyes.

“That’s the dream right there.”

“It’s gonna happen.” He smirked at her before pulling into Ashton’s drive.

“Please, when you guys release your album, mine will pale in comparison.” This had the two of them grinning as they entered the house.

Despite the drive having quietened her initial excitement, she couldn’t stop herself when she spotted the guys and gave them the same reaction that Michael had received.

This earned laughter from all of them, including Alex and John who were stood away from the group. But that didn’t stop her from giving them the same treatment.

“You guys have literally made every dream come true in the last month. I don’t know how to thank you guys for it, like, this is such an opportunity and I have so many questions about touring for so long. The longest I’ve gone on a tour is two weeks, yet this is nine months, touring the world twice. Not to mention-” Michael’s hand shot out, covering her mouth and stopping her in her tracks.

Calum snapped a photo as they laughed.

“Will you relax. You’ve got the pros of touring for long periods to help you and the old timers who have their own tricks.” Luke commented, ducking away from the punch that John sent to his arm, only to find himself in a headlock with Alex.

“Watch who you call oldtimer, kid.” They seemed to collapse into the couch in a heap and whilst they playfully wrestled about, the others egging the pair on, Michael slowly moved his hand from Y/N’s lips.

“Breathe. We’re here to help you prepare for this because we recognise that it’s a big jump from doing small tours to the longest tour of your career which goes around the world twice.” She let out a breath of air before nodding and grinning at Michael as he slung his arm across her shoulders.

“Quit playing about, we have a nervous artist who is about to get chucked in with the sharks.” He called over the noise and both Luke and Alex seemed to finally still, Luke’s head now resting in Alex’s lap, making her giggle as Calum shoved Luke’s legs off the sofa and sat down.

Once they were all seated, she went over the list of questions she’d mentally prepared and found herself tapping her fingers together, the excitement and anxiety seeming to kick in.

Part of her was dreading the prep for tour.

“Equipment. They want me to have a touring band which I have no issues with. But with the kit and stuff, I don’t know what’s going to happen there.” John smiled at that.

“They’ve already got a touring band ready for you. Most artists have their own, but the label want people who are familiar with the longer tours. What will happen with your own kit, so guitar and piano as well as any extra strings and the like, they’ll get a date set up for pick up. You just need to be ready. Keep one guitar with you at least as a just in case.” He explained and Michael nudged her, nodding to his phone that was recording.

“Okay, so something more simpler. Packing. What the fuck do I pack?”

“Don’t bother with hair products. You’ll be sharing our stylist on that. For each country, pick out several stage outfits that can get packed separately. That way they’ll be taken to the venue with everything else.” Luke explained and she found herself nodding once more.

“Pack for every kind of weather. Doesn’t matter if we’re at the start of the Australian summer, the weather can be so unpredictable. Try to pack at least three cases. One for light weight summer type clothing, one for the heavier stuff, so jeans, jackets and the like. Then one for shoes, towels and necessities. It might seem a lot now, but as you’re on the road, you realise how quick you go through things.” Ashton added on and she let out a soft ‘oh’.

“This is going to seem like a lot to begin with,” Alex started, catching her attention, “but in comparison, this is a small start to the list. You’ll most likely come home with another two suitcases, which management will probably pay for so don’t fret about having to buy one on the road. You will literally be packing up the majority of your life and putting it in a suitcase to travel with you. And that’s going to be tough to do, especially with your girl waiting at home for you.”

She could feel her heart sink a little bit. Nine months away from Allie.

“I think that’s gonna be the hardest part. How do you deal with that?” Her eyes drifted to John and Alex, and the boys didn’t take offence to the slight snub.

“It takes time and patience. There are going to be days where all you’ll get are a quick five minute call because of time difference. And it’s shit. But she can always fly out for a few days on tour, or whilst we’re over in England she can come to the shows and travel with us. It’s about compromising your time. You both have super important jobs and it just means you’ve gotta work at it.” John explained and she ran her fingers through the ends of her hair, tugging slightly.

“I’m just worried. It’ll be the longest we’ve been apart.”

“It’s tough. But she’ll stand by you. But you’ve both got to talk it out, so any frustrations. Because when that builds up, that leads to arguments and then that’s when problems start happening.” Alex chimed in and she let off a soft sigh.

“Okay, so I’m guessing that’s basics of tour, what about time off?”

—

When Y/N landed back home, she’d never felt more relief flood her than the moment her arms were wrapped around Allie tightly, her lips against hers as she savoured the sweet moment of reunion.

“Hi baby.” Her voice was soft and sweet, and she felt her insides turn to mush.

“Hi. I’ve missed you.” Allie beamed, pressing another soft kiss to her girlfriend’s lips.

“Good. Your mum has already asked us to drop by for dinner tonight, so they can badger you about your time in LA. And I know you’ll be wide awake because of the time difference.” Allie teased her as they began the walk back to the car.

“Honestly, I could go on for days about how good LA was to me. Like, little old me, meeting all of the fuckin’ big wigs in the industry. I had Michael god-damn Clifford producing my EP and I formed a friendship with him? My teenage self combusted the second he shook my hand.” Allie laughed as they got her stuff into the boot of the car before they got into the car themselves.

The car journey back home from the airport was filled with Y/N prying information about their various friends whilst she’d been away as well as the promotion Allie had landed and the perks of the job.

Amidst getting the masses of washing done, and reconnecting after a month apart, it was as they lay in bed together, Allie’s finger tracing against the skin of her back that made her feel like it was a bittersweet moment.

But she couldn’t say anything just yet.

When the two had reached her mum’s place, questions came from every corner of the room it felt like, but it was when she laughed and held up her hands, she beamed at them.

“Let me tell you everything that happened. And then I have some news.”

She tried not to feel guilty at the stare that Allie gave her, recounting each moment of good, bad and downright embarrassing.

Y/N’s mum was particularly gleeful as she told them about the bigger names she’d met over there.

“My baby, all grown up with the best chance possible for her career!” This made her flush. Her mum had been one of her biggest supporters for her career choice and she could see the relief in her mum's face as she went on about the recording opportunity.

“The last day was kind of bittersweet in the studio, but the boys were so nice and even had a get together to celebrate the fact the songs were done. Michael had even fast tracked the productions of one of my very first songs.”

And she pulled her phone out, clicking play on the file that Michael had sent her a few days ago after playing it for her.

Watching the joy on her mum’s face warmed her heart, even if a few tears were shed in the process. Allie’s jaw was hanging slightly before a wide smile overtook her lips and she pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek.

“I’m so damn proud of you.”

“That brings me to the surprise.” She murmured softly, her eyes travelling to each family member before settling on Allie.

“They want me to join them on their tour.”

“For the UK portion? Oh my god that’s amazing!” Her mum was gushing but Y/N shook her head.

“They want me on their entire tour. Around the world twice.”

No one was prepared for the scream of excitement that escaped her mum before she found herself being wrapped around by her family members. Her eyes were watching as it hit Allie and she could see the excitement die down in her girlfriends face, and she felt her heart sink.

“That’s nine months.” Allie whispered and she nodded her head, pulling free from her mum’s embrace.

“It’s going to be tough, but the guys have offered ways for us to still keep in touch. You can always fly out for long weekends and of course, we have the UK tour later in the year as well.”

“That’s going to be three quarters of the year, Y/N. It’s a lot.”

“Please, can we talk about it at home? They’ve given us options, ways to keep up with each other.” Her pleas seem to break through and Allie’s lips pushed up into a smile as she draped an arm over her shoulders.

“I’m still proud of you baby.” She whispered, pressing a kiss to her temple and she relaxed.

“I love you.” Came the murmured response and they shared a soft, but sweet kiss before her mum started asking about the details of the tour.

—

When the New Year rolled in, the first single was released to the world and her voice was on chart shows across the world.

It took seven solid minutes for her to stop crying when the notifications came through along with the messages.

Michael had taken a short video of her song playing in the car and she felt like she couldn’t breathe for a moment because it was her song, a song she had hated so much but then fell in love with all over again. And it was being requested and played on American radios.

Allie was proud as punch.

They seemed to avoid the elephant in the room that was her leaving for tour in just over a month  and a half.

That was when she really began rehearsing, making sure the setlist was long enough for her time slot. It felt like the busiest days of her life, being shuttled to the big cities for radio interviews.

Her face seemed to be popping up everywhere and it felt like a dream when she received the news that she’d hit number one in thirteen countries.

That in itself had made her openly weep in the middle of her baking day with her mum as she got the news, her mum videoing and laughing at her reaction.

She posted it to her instagram with the caption ‘the moment you’re told that you’ve hit number one in thirteen countries and all you can do is cry in shock and joy.’ The reaction went viral.

Of course she then received the texts from the last producer, asking why he wasn’t getting a cut of the money from the track.

It was with great glee as she told him that it wasn’t his pile of shit on the radio. It was her song and no one else’s. She didn’t need to tell him that one of her favourite bands had helped record and produce the song.

When she received the pick up day for her equipment, that was when it was becoming very real. That was also when she convinced Allie to go clothes shopping with her for tour.

With the day creeping closer, she could feel the undercurrent that was restless between her and her girlfriend, but every time she tried to address it, Allie shut her down, seemingly ignoring the problem.

She spent as much of her free time with her friends, family and girlfriend until it was the night before and she was lay in bed, trembling from the fear of what the next nine months could bring.

A warm arm wrapped around her waist, a soft kiss being pressed against the back of her neck and she slowly relaxed herself. It would be fine.

“You’ve got this, baby. But you need some rest.” The soft whisper was enough of a plea for her to turn around and just allow herself to be held as she tried to relax enough so that she could get some sleep.

It didn’t work.

Saying goodbye this time was much more harder because Allie hadn’t been able to get the day off work to see her off. So it was a tearful goodbye between the two of them as they held each other in the doorway, Allie’s lips lingering a little bit longer before finally pulling away and smiling softly, despite her tears.

“You’ll be back over here soon enough. I love you my little rockstar. Go do what you’re best at.” By the time that Allie had left, she had to call her mum to pick her up.

Thankfully, her mum didn’t make any remarks on the tear tracks as they made their way to the airport. And once they’d checked in her bags, a weird sense of deja vu hit.

“Last time we stood here, I was going for a month. Now I’m going for nine.” She whispered and her mum held her tightly.

“You’re about to fly off and live your dream. I’m beyond proud of you for this, please don’t ever think otherwise. Now, you need to get going. You are not going to be leaving things last minute like last time.”

She laughed for the first time that day and it felt like a weight disappeared from her shoulders and she knew she’d be okay.

The flight wasn’t so bad.

She had a reasonable seat, and for the most of it, she slept. She knew she would probably regret it later, but at that point, she was beyond caring. She was so tired and the stress was sat on her shoulders.

She knew her equipment had arrived, she’d been sent the message from one of the tour crew who was already out there.

The next two weeks would be rehearsal with her touring band and then they were off on the first leg of the tour.

And that absolutely frightened her beyond belief.

She wasn’t expecting a welcome party at the airport, but she was amazed that fans were crowded around, calling her name out.

Security were quick to pull her back away from the chaos of arrivals and she could feel her adrenaline kicking in, her heart racing as she tried to comprehend that they were screaming her name. Hers.

“Ma’am we need to get you out of the airport as safely as possible. Do you have a ride waiting for you already?” She felt like a deer in headlights before the security officer lifted a hand, touching the earpiece sat in his ear.

“One of my colleagues has picked someone up who apparently says he’s partially to blame for the fans showing up. A Luke Hemmings?” Relief

“Yeah, I’m due to go on tour with his band in a couple of weeks, but I wasn’t expecting him to be here.” The guard laughed.

“It’s fine, but we need to get you both out safely. My colleague is bringing him through now.” And that was when she saw the blonde curls and laughed before throwing her arms around Luke’s tall frame.

He laughed as he pulled her into a tight hug.

“Figured you’d appreciate a familiar face. A lot of them were waiting for you, then I only added to the madness. You gonna be alright till we get out of here?”

“Gonna have to be. Can I use you a shield?” He laughed.

“Keep your hands on my shoulders and we’ll get you through. Is someone going to follow with her luggage?” The question was directed to the guard who nodded his head.

“C’mon then princess, time to face the fans and get you out of here. We’ve all been super excited to have you back.” He beamed as they began their journey.

The screams grew louder and she found herself shying away, using Luke as a shield and smiling nervously at the few fans she could see.

Once they were out of the airport and in the car, Luke took one of her trembling hands and squeezed.

“You did the worst of it. There’ll be more of us around in a couple of weeks to keep them from getting too overwhelming.” He explained and she simply nodded.

“It’s okay, it was just, wow. That’s a lot.”

“That’s America for you.” He shot back dryly, making her laugh.

“So what hotel have they stuck you in this time?”

“Uh, I don’t know. They never sent any details about that. I’m trying not to freak out about it, but like, I haven’t got that much to cover two and a bit weeks in a hotel.” Luke groaned.

“Did you call your manager?”

“Said it was being sorted. Heard nothing since.” Luke snorted before tapping away at his phone and the music died down as the ringing began to call through.

“Hemmings, you have two weeks before you need to start incessantly calling me.” A feminine voice broke through and he laughed.

“Hello to you too Luce. However I’m not calling for me. I’ve just picked up Y/N.”

“Hi Lucy.” She piped up.

“Y/N! Keely has been trying to call you, said something about Michael stepping in and saying that he could put you up for the two weeks.” She shot Luke a look and he shrugged.

“That’s cool. He say why or am I gonna have to try and find that out for myself?” She laughed.

“Said something about one of the songs for the album and it’s easier to work at his home studio and you won’t have to worry about driving around LA.”

“Cool. Thank you for letting me know. Tell Keely I say that I’m sorry I haven’t been able to answer my phone and I’ll see her next week.”

“Will do. See you next week Luke.” The call cut and he laughed as the music began to grown in volume once more.

“So, album huh?” At this he watched as her lips turned up into the widest grin.

“Alex, John and Michael helped me pick out a tracklist for a potential album. I’ve not had much time, but if we get some demos done, I can go to the record company and they’ll be able to work with the fact that I have got music coming, so they don’t need to breathe down my neck. Alex’s idea.” Luke laughed as he pulled into a drive thru.

“Why am I not surprised. What do you want? You’ve just landed, you’ve gotta be starving.”

After picking her favourites, Luke paid at her protest and smirked.

“It’s food. Shut up and deal with the fact that we do look after our friends. Also if it bugs you that much, you can just buy me dinner whilst we’re on the road.”

“A not date, considering we’re both taken then?” She teased in returned and he grinned.

“A not-date it is. Now we know where we’re going, let's get you to Michael’s to drop your gear off. I know the guys are wanting to head out but I also know that if you’re going to try and keep up,  you’re going to want to be in something that isn’t joggers and a baggy t shirt.” She pouted at the assessment.

“I won’t try to keep up, but no, I really do not need my first official night out to be photographed and I’m in my rattiest clothing pieces.” Luke snorted as they collected their food and headed back out once more.

As they pulled into Michael’s place, Luke helped her get her cases from the boot before he was leading her into the home.

“I’ve picked up a stray!” Luke yelled, making her laugh. “She’s cute and British.” He added after a second once they’d placed her bags at the bottom of the steps.

He placed his hands on her shoulder and practically frog marched her out to the back and she didn’t even get to say ‘hi’ when she was pulled into a tight hug.

“Hi Ash.” She laughed as she wrapped her arms around him in return.

“Hey yourself Y/N. Welcome back to LA, knew you wouldn’t be able to stay away.” He teased, pulling away and giving her a grin. She smirked in return.

“Just couldn’t stay away from this beautiful weather. Maybe one or two people. Go by the names of Gaskarth and Feldmann.” Calum snorted as he pulled her into another tight hug.

“I’m wounded, I didn’t even make it onto your list?” He pouted at her and she snorted.

“No, but Duke did.” This set the other boys off before Michael greeted her, his hug a lot more softer than the others, but still feeling as welcoming.

“I know I should’ve told you before you left England that you were staying with me, but I’d completely forgotten till Keely called me, yelling that she couldn’t get ahold of you. By that point, you were already well into the air.” She shook her head as she accepted a beer off Calum and sat down with them, enjoying the warmth of the LA afternoon.

“It’s fine. I’m just lucky that I’d texted Luke when I left. He decided to be my welcome committee.”

“Myself and like a hundred and more fans.” He shot back with a grin.

“That was strange. Especially when they were calling my name, like that felt so surreal. I didn’t really know what to do with myself.” They descended into laughter as she finished off the food that she and Luke had picked up on the way there.

The boys were discussing the various countries and Y/N could feel herself nodding off against Calum’s shoulder, the beer and warmth not helping her jet lag at all.

“C’mon Y/N. You need to get ready if we want to be out at a reasonable time.” Luke teased and she flipped him off before sighing.

“One of you boys want to help me get the cases upstairs?” Calum pushed himself off the seat and followed after her, picking up the heaviest of the three.

“You excited?”

“Scared.” She admitted quietly as they reached the guest room that Michael had directed her to.

“Why?” Once the cases were pushed against the wall Calum pulled her to the edge of the bed, taking a seat and pulling her next to him. She didn’t fight it, her entire body still feeling exhausted.

“This is the biggest tour of my life. Probably will be the biggest tour of my entire career. Allie wouldn’t even talk to me about the fact I was leaving, and I feel so overwhelmed.” After the quiet admittance came relief that she’d gotten it off her chest.

“It’s going to terrify the fuck out of you. Playing to so many people. When you’re ready to leave tonight, just give me a heads up and we’ll go. This is a lot to deal with on your first night out in LA with us.” She snorted out a giggle, resting her head on Calum’s shoulder.

“My life is an open book for people to read. I never knew it could be this terrifying to have so many people judge you.”

“It gets easier. I’ll let you get changed and then we’ll head out.”

It took a while before she felt like she’d picked an appropriate dress. And the whistles of appreciation she received made her bashful before laughing.

“It’s a good job I’m taken. Someone snap a photo for me please.” She held her phone out, Ashton taking it off her hands and capturing a few photos.

She sent them to Allie.

‘I know it’s late for you my love, but I hope I picked something you’d like for a nightclub in LA. Speak to you tomorrow.’

They split between two ubers, Ashton and Michael piling with Y/N in one, Calum and Luke taking the other as they made their way to the club.

Unsurprisingly, they could spot the paps easily.

“Can you drop us just around that corner mate?” Ashton called over and the driver nodded. Michael shot off a text to Luke and she could feel her hands begin to tremble.

“Holy shit this is a lot.” She murmured as they left the car, keeping out of sight from the paps.

“It’s going to be a lot. Keep your eyes forward and smile, try not to hide too much, they’ll try to make up some bullshit to start rumours.” Ashton explained quietly, rubbing the top of her shoulders carefully.

When Luke and Calum arrived they finally made a decision on how to go in.

“I’ll keep ahead, Y/N, don’t fall behind because they will swarm you. You’re the freshest face in the music charts and they’re going to eat this up that you’re out clubbing with us.” It was a relief that Ashton was taking charge, but her hands still trembled as she nodded in understanding.

“No falling behind. Cool. I’m going to hide behind Cal and Luke then.” Michael laughed

“C’mon, it won’t be too bad.”

As they made their way the short distance to the club, paps calling out their names and snapping photos, she could feel herself plaster a smile on for the photos, but there was another brief thought of how rude they were being.

“Who would you date from the boys of 5SOS?”

“Are you sleeping with any of them?”

“How did you get on this tour when practically no one’s heard of you?”

By the time she was in the club with them, she wanted to go back home. But she’d promised she’d stay out for a few hours and that was what she was going to do.

When the first round of drinks came in, she didn’t argue them buying her drinks. She knew this was their way of welcoming her back into their lives properly, especially since they were about to embark on a nine month tour that went across the world twice.

She danced and sang her heart out, laughing when Ashton stumbled over his own feet and Calum had caught it all on camera, laughing as he did so.

It was when the time crept towards midnight, despite the loud music, she had her head resting against Calum’s shoulder and her eyes were half shut.

“You ready to go, doll?” She nodded her head, the exhaustion hitting her like a freight train as Calum helped her stand up and she lost her balance almost immediately, her saving grace being that Michael was stood up and caught her before she hit the floor.

“How much have you had to drink?” He called over the music, she shrugged.

“Four, maybe five? Mostly tired.” She half shouted back and he grimaced before looking over to Calum.

“Got it mate. Uber is on its way. Do you want some help?” Michael shook his head as he pulled her arm over his shoulders, tugging her to the smokers area which was more secluded and less noise.

“We need to get back through the paps, but I need you to try and stay upright and walk by yourself. Can you do that?”

Calum looked at her, his eyes watching the way as she seemed to draw in some strength from somewhere as her back straightened up and she plastered on a big, but clearly tired smile.

“Lead the way. I’m ready to crash.”

Getting through the paps was easy, even if more questions were being yelled at them both.

But the second the uber was peeling away from the frenzy they left Calum to deal with, her head was resting on Michael’s shoulder before a soft snore escaped and he laughed quietly.

Unable to help himself, he snapped a selfie of the two of them.

When the Uber pulled up to his place, it took a few tries before he managed to pick her up carefully, her head nestled against his neck as he fumbled with the key and got them in.

It took him a further twenty minutes to get her up the stairs and set her down on her bed before finally trying to wake her up.

She wasn’t amused.

“Look, all I want is to make sure you get a reasonable amount of sleep tonight, and you sleeping in that dress wasn’t going to happen. You don’t need to do anything apart from get changed, that’s it.” He pleaded with her exhausted form.

“Fine.” Came the muttered response as she kicked her shoes off, standing up slowly and Michael disappeared to his own room to get changed himself.

When he returned to check up on her, he found his lips pulling back at the sight before him. She was passed out, half under the covers, hair splayed all over her pillow and a soft snore escaping once more .

He switched the light off before heading to his own bed, draining a glass of water before crashing out on his own bed, a sigh of relief escaping him as he melted into mattress.

When she woke up the next morning, a raging headache and exhaustion to boot, she tried not to think about how her stomach was rolling in ways that was sure to make her throw her guts up if she moved.

Michael had other plans apparently.

“C’mon sunshine. We’ve got breakfast and then we’re lounging in the sun whilst talking music. I’m not gonna make you work too hard after last night.” He’d stuck his head around the door and she groaned in return.

“I would call you the worst, but I feel like I drank too much last night.” She grumbled before pulling herself from her covers.

She made it two steps before she had to pause, the nausea hitting her hard and Michael snickered.

“I’ll be downstairs. The shower is easy to work, even in your state.” She flipped him off with her eyes shut, making him laugh as he disappeared downstairs.

It took her another five minutes to move again, and despite the way her stomach was rolling inside of her, the hot water did wonders for the headache that had formed.

Once she was changed into a clean shirt that didn’t reek of booze and some sleep shorts, the warm sunshine making it an easy choice for her, she headed downstairs.

“Looking worse for wear today then, Y/N.” A familiar voice greeted and she flipped Alex off before heading into the kitchen to find a plate of cooked food waiting or her. Grabbing a glass and filing it with water before picking up the plate, she followed the voices back into the living room.

“We not sitting outside?”

“I figured to give your eyes a bit of a break.” Michael smirked and she rolled them in response.

“Any glaring articles about the state I was in last night?” Alex grimaced.

“A couple. Of course there was the standard one about you possibly sleeping with Michael or Calum. They then corrected themselves when someone pointed out you were in a relationship with a woman.” This made her groan before she slumped over on the cushions.

“This is gonna be my life now, isn’t it?”

“Price you pay for dreams.” Alex teased and she groaned.

“Please, never quote your own song back at me. Ever.” Both he and Michael laughed before Michal pulled out his phone, clicking play on the audio file he pulled up.

The riff that came through his phone sounded good to her ears as she slowly ate her breakfast, mulling over the various songs that would possibly work with the tempo of the tune.

“I got this down the other day when we’d discussed the last few songs of the potential tracklist. I don’t think it’d work well on most of the songs, but the last two have potential for it, what do you think?”

She mulled it over as he played it again, her mind bringing up the familiar lyrics, humming them along softly.

“The last one would definitely work. Upbeat sound to maudlin lyrics.”

“Considering that’s your style. You do remember that you’ve got an EP being released in like, two days, right?” Alex prompted and it made her pause before she swore.

“I’d actually forgotten. Fuck.” This made all of them laugh as she slumped down onto the couch, throwing her arms over her face.

“I hate you all. At least they’re not making me do any promo before tour.” She muttered and Michael laughed.

“No, that’s gonna happen on the first round of the world tour. And then again on the second leg, but with us promoting as well.”

“Fuck.” She whined softly.

“C’mon, you’re finally getting music out and people will be able to sing along!” Alex encouraged her and she let out a deep breath of air before nodding her head.

“That is true. Plus it means the fans will be able to sing the lyrics if they actually like my music.”

“Number one, just watch.” Michael smirked and she rolled her eyes as they returned the the songs in front of them.

—

Meeting her touring band was nerve wrecking. It was the first official rehearsal with her apart of the group.

She greeted her guitarist, Ellie with a relieved smile when she practically pulled her into the room and introduced her to the other two.

Sat behind the drums, tightening the snare up, was Rich who gave her a soft smile as he shook her hand warmly.

Tuning the bass up was Cara, her own lips twisted into a brief smile before she returned her attention to the instrument in her hands.

“When they told us we’d be doing a nine month tour for a new artist, we were slightly skeptical. But knowing that it’s you, and the tour we’re going on, it’s actually really exciting.”

“Christ Ellie, let the girl actually set up. The record company sent through the transcripts of the songs, so we’ve been rehearsing them for the last two weeks. We’re hoping that now you’re here and settled, we can get the full sound of them.” Rich broke in and she nodded, a bright grin crossing her lips.

“There’s only one song on the setlist that I don’t need you guys for, so it’ll give you a chance to get a drink and stuff whilst we’re up on stage. Are we doing a few songs each day or trying to get as many as possible in the next two weeks?

Cara laughed.

“We’re looking to get the songs right so we’re going over two different songs every day this week, then next week it’ll be run throughs of the setlist. Don’t fret rockstar, we’re here to help you.” Cara’s words made her cheeks grow warm as she laughed.

“Thanks. It’s just-”

“Surreal? Yeah, we guessed it would be. That’s why we’re trying to make this as smooth as possible.” Ellie cut in and she could only feel a flood of relief as they began to go over the songs.

The next day, her own rehearsing went to a grinding halt as she remembered that the EP had been released and she’d forgotten about it in the rush of the rehearsals.

So instead of rehearsing, they played the EP through the speakers and she could feel her heart in her chest as each song came to life in the small rehearsal space.

What she didn’t expect was for the space to get gatecrashed by Michael and Alex.

“You’re climbing the charts!” He’d thrust his phone in her face and she watched, breathless as her EP climbed up the chart with each refresh and she could feel tears in her eyes.

“Holy shit, this is actually real. Fuck, these are my touring bandmates.” She felt the embarrassment rise as she introduced Ellie, Rich and Cara to Michael and Alex.

“I think we’re not going to get anything done. We might as well call it quits today and celebrate the release.” Rich laughed and Y/N groaned.

“C’mon, we’ve gotta celebrate this!” Alex whined and she shot him an unimpressed look in return.

“You just want an excuse to daytime drink.” She shot back and he grinned back unapologetically.

“Of course.”

It felt surreal as they packed up the equipment and hustled her out of the rehearsal space and into the passenger seat of Michael’s car. When she looked around to see where the others were, she spotted Alex talking to the other three as Michael got in on the drivers side.

Alex slid in the back moments later and then the car was off and away from the studio space.

“What are you two up to?”

“Nothing.” Came from both of them, sounding ar too innocent for the grins they were both wearing. But she didn’t argue with them as they seemed to go on a long detour. She was familiar with the route to all of their places, but as Michael turned down another street, it took her a solid moment to realise that they were rapidly approaching Ashton’s house.

As they got out of the car, she shrieked in surprise as a pair of hands covered her eyes.

“Sorry, but it’s a surprise.” Came Alex’s voice and she groaned as a pair of softer hands took hold of hers and began to guide her.

“You two are so dead.” She grumbled as she stumbled up one of the steps.

“There’s a step there Y/N.” The grin in Alex’s voice was clear.

“So so dead.”

She could hear the door open and it felt too quiet as they went a few steps further in and when Alex ripped his hands away from her eyes, she jumped.

“Surprise!” Collective yells made her heart freeze for a second before she took in the decoration.

‘Congrats on the EP release!’

And the various faces of her friends and the people she’d worked with. And the new faces of Ellie, Cara and Rich, all three wearing smug grins.

Ashton was stood off to the side slightly, his smile seemingly widest of them all.

“You assholes, oh my god.” She turned to hug Michael and Alex, making them both laugh. They returned the hugs and the sounds of her EP began filtering through the speakers, her entire body feeling like it was buzzing as she went around and began to greet the various people.

It felt semi-professional, but most of the people here were people who she’d befriended, apart from the few management executives who had congratulated her on the release.

It was later on in the afternoon, most people still hanging about, the party having spilled out to the garden to enjoy the sunshine when John came sauntering in with the laptop, a smug grin on his face.

She didn’t realise that Ashton was recording as John sat next to her.

“Take a look.” Was all he said turning the laptop to show her the screen.

Her heart and stomach dropped as she scanned the screen, feeling the overwhelming sensation bubble up as her hand went to her lips, covering her mouth.

“No fucking way!” Her voice went up an octave and John laughed.

“Number one in twenty six countries.” She was off her seat, practically bouncing.

“That’s double of what the single made!” This time she really was jumping around, her excited squeals drawing in the attention from the various people as she pulled both Michael and Alex up from their seats.

“Number fucking one in twenty six fucking countries!” This time laughter rippled at her reaction and she hugged them both tightly. “You’ve literally made my dreams come true, holy shit.”

“I told you Y/N. I spoke it into existence.” Michael shot back in a smug tone and she shoved his shoulder before she was dancing around once more, unable to help herself before throwing herself back into the seat next to John, her eyes taking in the figures once more.

“I got number one back home. Oh my god.” This time the tears were falling and John chuckled, pulling her into his side.

“You did that, kiddo. People are absolutely loving your music. If we’re not careful, you’ll be on your own world tour before long.” This made her laugh.

“Let me get through this one first!

---

The aftermath of the EP release was insane to her. She was getting more recognised on each trip out and her families reactions were beyond her wildest imaginations.

With the help of social media, she heard the clip of her mum being called by Radio 1, the host asking her about how she felt about it all.

“At first I was skeptical. My little girl off to LA by herself. But I’ve always supported her perusal of music and seeing how much it’s paid off, oh god I could cry again.” She’d felt her heart utterly melt at that.

“So you must be very proud of Y/N right now?” The host prompted and her mums laugh filtered through her ears.

“Proud as punch. My baby girl is dominating the charts and even the ladies at work are listening to her music, even when they all told me it’d be a waste of time. I felt rather smug telling them that the song they were listening to was hers.” This made the host laugh, herself included.

“Well, you keep having your proud mama moment. We’re playing your girls song right now. Here is Y/N’s latest single.”

It was a dream come true.

She’d facetimed her family back home and her heart burst when she saw Allie with them, dancing and singing along loudly as the album blasted in the background. She knew she was so so lucky to have their support and seeing that warmed her heart.

It kept her going through the rehearsals as they got through each song.

As the last day got closer and the last of their equipment was shipped out, she found herself very relieved that she had people who knew the tour life like the backs of their hands.

They’d toured together before, so they knew each other well enough, so getting to know them and their habits was going to take time for Y/N, but she settled in nicely into the group.

Her calls to Allie had been sparse and often it was Allie calling her when she woke up for work just as she was finishing up in the rehearsals.

“Do you even leave that space?” She’d teased during the first week of rehearsals.

“Till we get this right, no.” Came the sarcastic response followed by laughter.

She was understanding to the fact that she was so busy that her days meant there wasn’t much time to really call, but they continued to text daily, photos being sent to each other of what they were doing.

She was often seeing something that reminded her of Allie and sending it to her.

When it came to tour day she sent one text to Allie, despite the fact that she knew she was in a meeting.

‘Hope this doesn’t disturb your meeting, but then again you’re smart and remember to put your phone on silent. Anyway, we’ve got flights ahead of us today with some layovers so I won’t be able to text much or call you today, but I hope you have a good day and I love you.’

Michael had hustled her out of his house once they’d gotten all of their cases piled into the hired van. The other three were already in, those two being the last to get picked up. Ellie, Rich and Cara had promised to meet them at the airport.

It was early, so there weren’t many fans at the airport. There were paps, waiting for them to arrive, but that was the only commotion they had to deal with.

They met up with the other three and slowly got their stuff checked in. Whilst they were waiting, Calum had slung his arm across her shoulders as her phone went off, her lips pulling up into a big grin at the message.

‘Meeting was a bust. Could’ve had my phone and they wouldn’t have noticed. Idiots. Anyway, tell those boys to look after you, I know you’re not good on long haul flights. Have a safe journey and tell me all about it when you’ve landed and settled. Love you too, my little rockstar.’

“You can tell her we’ve got your back.” Cal murmured and she laughed, jabbing her elbow into his side playfully.

“I’ll tell her you were reading over my shoulder as well as that.” She shot back in return. He simply grinned as she tapped away at her phone before her name was called.

Once they were past security and on the plane, that was when the nerves began to set in and Calum chuckled from his spot next to her.

“I can see what Allie meant about you not doing well on long haul flights.” He teased her playfully and she scowled in return.

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up. You’re the one sat next to me for the entire trip.”

Luke snorted from behind them.

One layover and a nap on Calum’s shoulder later, they were in Stockholm and fans were waiting for them at the airport. It was easy to navigate and once they were all piled in vans to take them to the first venue, it began to feel very real, especially with the cold weather biting into her skin, making her shrug her jacket closer.

“Told you to wear warmer clothes, Y/N.” Ashton teased as the van peeled away from the airport.

“I’ve got two jackets on and I’m still cold. Shut up.” Came the snarky reply, making the others laugh.

The journey to the hotel was long, but the van warmed up eventually and before they knew it, they’d arrived. With the cold air, it became a competition between the eight of them to get in from the cold quick enough.

It was late in the day and despite having slept on the plane, they got into their various rooms and despite the plan to head out for food, Y/N crashed out after sending a quick text to Allie.

The next morning was busy.

There were interviews scheduled for various members of the band as well as Y/N.

By the time that it got to showtime, it was a bubble of excitement that seemed to explode in jittery nerves and Ashton laughed when he stopped by her dressing room.

“C’mon you lot, you’ve got stage in half an hour.” Ashton wrapped his arm around her shoulders and the others grabbed the last few bits they needed.

“First show of tour is always stressful, but you’ve got this. Now let's go bug the rest of them. I’m pretty sure your pre-show jitters will irritate Calum or Michael. I want to make a bet on who it irritates first.”

The rest of the band laughed as they followed after the two.

It was Calum who they managed to annoy first, his body laying across her legs to stop them from bouncing up and down.

“You’re making me feel nervous and I haven’t felt nervous in years.” He grumbled as the rest of them laughed.

It settled the nerves for her as they distracted her with talk of the various interviews that were going to be coming up.

Eventually they were called to stage and the boys followed behind, watching side stage as she stepped onto the stage and the crowd began to scream.

“Lets go Stockholm!”

The adrenaline rush felt incredible as she sang and danced her way through the set, her amazement at the crowd screaming the lyrics back to her.

“You all sound so god damn beautiful. My name is Y/N and I’ll see you all next time!”

As they finished the final song and left the stage, they were all greeted with yells of excitement and hugs from the boys as they congratulated them.

“You’ve really got them going! Tonight is going to be fucking fun.” Michael was beaming at her and she grinned in response.

“I can’t fucking wait for the rest of the tour. Listen, you go get ready, I need to help pack up and I’ll be watching side stage, I promise!” He pulled her in for one more hug before he followed after the boys to get ready and she headed back onto the stage, helping the team pack away her set.

Fans screamed her name and she waved to them as she did the last few jobs, making sure that her equipment was packed and secure before throwing the setlists into the crowd and disappearing with another wave.

She felt more alive than she’d done in months and as she watched 5 Seconds of Summer take the stage for the first night of the tour, she understood how they’d managed for so long.

—

Having Allie join them for the Paris and London dates of the first part of the tour felt wonderful.

She got to introduce her to every one and spending the night with her in Paris after the show was practically a dream.

They shared soft kisses in front of the Eiffel tower, Andy catching the sweet moment between the two and it was later on the bus, wrapped around Allie as it made the journey under the chanel did they finally talk quietly, aware that Ellie, Rich and Cara were all asleep.

“It feels so nice to actually spend some time with you.” She hummed softly and Allie smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“I know. The next few months are going to be long though.” She could see that saying those words pained her, but Y/N pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder.

“They are. But this is going to be worth it for both of us, I promise.”

“Oh don’t I know it, number one in twenty six different countries.” Allie hummed in return, laughing as she ducked her face away in embarrassment.

“Are you leaving straight after the show tomorrow?” The shy question made Allie pause, her eyes searching her girlfriends face at the question before shaking her head.

“No. You have me tomorrow night too.”

“Good.” Allie chuckled softly.

“Get some rest, you’ve got interviews tomorrow and you need to look your best.” Allie hummed softly, her fingers tracing down the her spine. The yawn that escaped Y/N’s mouth made Allie grin as she settled down.

“Fine. Love you.” It wasn’t much later till she’d fallen asleep and a sigh escaped from Allie.

“Love you too.”

London was busy from the minute they got off the bus. Allie travelled with her to the radio stations in London that she had interviews with and they spent a night in the hotel before she caught the early train back home and Y/N was on a flight back to America, her heart feeling the heaviness of leaving her once more.

“It’ll get easier, I promise.” Luke nudged her shoulder and she gave him a relieved smile as the plane took off.

She wanted to believe Luke’s words, but part of her was worried and stressed over how long she’d be gone. It was going to be the longest without seeing Allie and it frightened her to an extent.

But she knew that she could trust that with the help of technology, speaking to her and facetiming her would make it more bearable at least so it wasn’t just her counting down the days till she was home once more.

The next few days were busy and long. Interviews in each new city before playing a show and then straight on the bus to the next place.

When they arrived in New York, Michael pulled her out of her funk.

“C’mon. You’re coming with us to the interview and then we are going to ditch those three loser and spend the day in New York City.” She barely had time to grab a coat and her backpack as he pulled her from the bus.

She shot off a quick text to Cara.

‘Apparently I’ve been kidnapped by a crazy person named Michael. Should be back to get a decent amount of sleep tonight, don’t worry if i’m not. Enjoy NYC.’

It was whilst she was sat in the car with the boys that she got a text back.

‘Have fun and if u don’t visit the statue i will be very disappointed in ur lack of tourist excitement’

It was fun to watch them get interviewed, and even though the interviewer had pointed her out, in an attempt to coax her into answering a few questions, she smiled and shook her head.

By the time the group were done with the interviews, Michael all but dragged her from the building and they got into a separate car and it felt good to have the distraction as they finally exited the car and began to wander the streets of New York together.

“Part of me feels like I need to be singing ‘Welcome to New York’ or maybe even ‘New York, New York’. And I’m not sure people will really enjoy my awful Frank Sinatra impression.” Michael laughed as they ventured through the various stores that lined the streets.

“I’m almost certain if you did a cover of New York, New York, it would still be amazing. And knowing you, you’d put your own spin on it and people would be falling in love with you left, right and centre.” The playful tease made her giggle as they found themselves in a thrift store, holding up the various items of clothing against each other to see if it would suit the other.

It certainly made the hole in her heart feel easier to deal with as she giggled at the silly hats they put on with the outrageous jackets that they found.

A few finds that were good, they purchased and eventually after raiding almost every rack, they left the store and her mood was swinging up as they continued their exploration of New York City.

It wasn’t difficult to visit the Statue of Liberty. There were a few fans about who were polite enough to the both of them and as they continued throughout the day, meeting fans here and there before heading back to the busses, when she checked her phone, she saw a text from Allie waiting for her.

‘Just saw a photo of you in New York, hope you’re enjoying yourself love, I know I would be.’

‘Still missing you, love. But distraction makes it easier I guess. I hope you’re having a good day.’

When they reached a small pizzeria, the debated on a large slice or a whole pizza to take back.

“I say get a couple of pizzas. They’ll appreciate the food and less likely to be annoyed with the fact we ditched them all for the entire day.” She’d remarked casually and Michael nodded, relaying the order for the two pizzas to go.

When they returned to the busses, they were met with raised eyebrows until they both held up the pizza boxes.

‘Pizza party on the 5sos bus.’ She’d sent the text to her touring bandmates and within five minutes they were climbing onto their bus.

“We heard there was pizza?” Ellie called as they stepped on. Calum laughed before motioning to the two large pizzas sat between the five of them.

“Join in. Looks like it’s a party night tonight then.” This made them all laugh as they cracked out a game of Cards Against Humanity and Y/N very quickly realised that touring with all these wonderful people was certainly the best thing to help distract from a missing piece in her chest.

---

Halfway through the tour, she was excited because Allie was joining the tour for a couple of days. It annoyed her to no end that she couldn’t get more time off, but she’d take two days over nothing.

The only problem was that her flight landed whilst she was performing. Michael had offered to go and pick her up from the airport, but Allie had declined and so it left her frustrated and somewhat annoyed. But she’d get to see her girl.

The boys were half way through their set when she turned up with only a backpack over her shoulders and Y/N couldn’t help herself as she wrapped her arms around Allie, her lips meeting her girlfriends.

“Holy shit I’ve missed you.” She murmured and Allie hummed in response.

“Missed you too.”

They enjoyed the set together, Allie standing a bit further away than Y/N would’ve liked but she knew that Allie was never comfortable with things like this. The show ended and she pulled her backstage, giving the boys a chance to finish their encore as the two of them lounged quietly in the greenroom.

But this silence, whereas before it was always comfortable, she could notice that something had changed, but didn’t dare comment on it.

When the guys came in from the stage, they greeted Allie enthusiastically and talked about maybe going out for a late dinner followed by a few drinks. She was enthusiastic, Allie less so as she half -heartedly agreed to join.

The journey to the hotel was filled with scattered chatter, mostly the boys asking Allie about what she did and if this was the only time she’d get off.

Y/N should’ve realised when she didn’t outright answer, something was wrong.

Once they were in the hotel room, before she could do or say anything, Allie held her hands up.

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Y/N’s entire body froze as she felt her heart crack.

“What---what do you mean?” Allie grimaced before sighing.

“I met someone else. It’s not fair on you to keep it up when I don’t love you anymore.” There was the shatter as she sucked in a deep breath.

“Get out.”

“Please, Y/N, I just didn’t want to lie to---”

“I said get out.” The last word rose an octave and the tears were burning in her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” The door clicked shut and once it shut, she could feel her heart shatter with a resounding crash as tears fell and a sob broke through.

‘I’ve just seen Allie leaving, you okay?’ The text came through as she allowed herself to collapse on the bed, sobs tearing from her throat as she tried to focus on something other than the pain in her chest.

But she couldn’t. Nothing had given away that this was coming. They’d been together for nearly three years and this was what was left to show for it.

It took a while before she heard frantic knocking and for a second, she almost deluded herself into believing that Allie was coming back, that she was apologising, that she was joking.

But the second the door opened and she and saw Michael’s concerned face, reality hit her hard and she found herself being bundled into his arms as another sob tore from her.

He pulled her into the room, shutting the door tightly before sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Y/N, what happened?”

“She---she left---said---didn’t---love---found---someone---” She couldn’t get her words around her tears and sobs and Michael’s heart shattered for her.

“Lie down, let me text the boys to say that we’re not going out tonight.” She curled on her side almost immediately, her fingers pressing against her chest, almost wishing it would ease the pain she was in.

It didn’t.

Michael sent the text off to the boys, hoping they would understand that she couldn’t go out, not like this.

Thankfully, they were understanding and promised to come back with ice cream for her and something to eat later. Michael climbed in behind her, his arms wrapping around her as she turned and pressed her face against his chest, the sobs slowing down as his fingers ran through her hair slowly.

“It hurts so much.” She finally whispered. He could only hold her tighter in response.

“It’s going to. But it’ll get easier. They boys promised to bring you some food and ice cream. Do you think you’d be up for that?”

She wasn’t sure she could answer. Part of her wanted the company, part of her wanted to wallow in the heartbreak that her chest was feeling.

“Just, no rom-coms. Give me comedy, hell, give me Jeff Goldblum.” Michael snickered as she settled herself closer, trying to shove the pain away for just a moment. But no matter what, it sat there, along with her tears.

“I’m sure we can do that. We’ve got time before they get here. Let it out.”

And she cried.

---

The boys understandably had given her the time to cry, and on the next night of tour when she realised the song she had to play, she felt her stomach drop as she soundchecked it, fighting the tears as her voice grew thick with emotion.

“That was her song, huh?” Ashton commented quietly and she nodded. He pulled her into a tight hug.

“Try to perform it tonight. If you can’t get through it, we’ll help you pick another song.”

And so she tried.

But it was clear that she couldn’t, her voice wavering before the end and she pulled away from the mic as the crowd sang her words back to her, the pain becoming too much for a second as a few tears fell.

Once the song finished and she could stop playing for a second, she wiped her eyes, taking in a deep breath. Michael was stood side-stage, hidden as he gave her a supportive thumbs up, Ashton doing the same, both wearing encouraging smiles.

“Sorry for that guys, but it looks like you’ll be the last lot to hear that song for a while.” At the disappointed noises, she gave a tentative smile to them.

“Unfortunately, my heart got broken last night, and this song---it’s tough. Maybe one day I can sing it as an ode to you all, but today isn’t that day. On we march, however.” And the crowd understood.

They sang back to her, almost louder and when she finished her set, the pain in her chest was still there, but it wasn’t the sharp stabbing sensation. It was like an old wound had been reopened, or at least, that was what it felt like. She knew that it wouldn’t pass this easily, but she felt her heart lift with love for the fans that sang her songs back to her.

She watched the boys set from side stage like always and greeted them as they finished their encore.

Michael slung his arm across her shoulders as they headed back to the greenroom, chatting about everything and nothing as they each went to their phones.

She hadn’t had a chance to change Allie’s name in her phone yet, but seeing the name made her breath catch for just a second.

‘So you made it all about you. Of course. Good luck in any future you find, don’t contact me again.’

There was the blow she’d been waiting for, the knock out that literally took her breath away as she tried to gasp for air.

She hadn’t even registered that she was sat on the floor, being coaxed to follow someone’s instructions. Her mind couldn’t separate, but she understood the words, following the motions before the steel bands that had a vice grip on her chest loosened up to the point of being able to breathe with ease once more.

“Y/N, what happened?” Michael asked quietly.

“Look at my phone.” She whispered in return and there were muttered voices before a phone was passed to Michael and he read the notification.

She fought down the nausea and the lightheadedness, closing her eyes for a second as tears slipped out.

“What did I do wrong?” Their hearts broke for her then. They were barely three months into the nine month world tour.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. She knew what was going to happen whilst you were on tour. We all told her it was going to be tough on both of you. Either she didn’t listen or she didn’t care. But that’s not on you.”

She wanted to believe him, but the thoughts were there.

“C’mon. We’re going to help you re-do your entire setlist. Unlock your phone.” She did as she was told, her fingers hovering over the message icon.

Before she could do anything, Michael pulled her phone out of her hands, throwing it to Luke who was furthest away.

“Delete the message and number.” She watched in amazement as Luke did what was asked and showed the clear screen of her name.

“It’s a good job I actually get on with you guys.” She finally grumbled, making Michael smirk, pulling her from the floor.

“That’s why we did it. Means you can’t drunkenly text her or fool yourself. Now. Setlist.”

Y/N felt grateful that someone was taking charge and helping her. She wrapped an arm around Michael’s waist, squeezing it gently.

“Thanks Mikey.” She finally whispered and he gave her a soft smile in return.

“We have each other as a band to lean on. You have only yourself. It’s only fair that we help you through a really shitty time, especially when we’re not even halfway through the tour yet.”

The rest of the night, she stayed sober as they went out and danced, Michael having a few drinks but mostly keeping her company as she watched everyone else chatter away.

It was the start of a very long journey.

---

It wasn’t often that Y/N found herself scrolling through social media. Especially after the breakup, there were those that seemed to think that she needed to know about what Allie was doing.

She tried to ignore it most days, but it seemed that as she scrolled through the notifications, mindlessly replying to some fans on twitter, she felt her heart drop when she saw the tweet which included a photo of Allie with another woman.

She found herself studying the photo, her heart twisting as she realised it was a screenshot of her instagram.

Wiping the tears away when she realised that she’d been crying, she finally noticed the time and decided to head into the venue. There was still time before soundcheck, but part of her wanted to just play.

Grabbing her backpack, she pulled the hoodie tighter and stepped off the bus, immediately being greeted with excited yells and calls of her name.

Waving hesitantly to the few who had spotted her, she made her way over to the barriers, taking photos with the fans, pushing a smile on her face as she gave hugs and chatted about the tour.

“How are you doing on tour?”

“Doing good. My family love receiving postcards from the places we stop in. The guys think its hilarious that I do it, but it’s memories that they get to keep as well. My mum especially gets so excited each time I send her a postcard.” This earned laughter. She posted the videos that her dad sent to her of her mum reading the postcards she sent, the excitement tangible when she watches the videos.

“Do you miss home much?” Another fan asked as she posed for a selfie.

“I miss my family, yeah. England? Not really. I’m slowly finding my home in LA, it’s warm, I’ve made close friends with a lot of people and despite sticking out like a sore thumb, I feel more comfortable there than I ever did in England.”

“Is it because of Allie?” Her heart ached as she glanced at the watch on her wrist.

“Because of her I don’t miss home? No. Even when we were together, I missed her, but I didn’t miss home. I’ve gotta run for soundcheck, but I hope you guys enjoy the show tonight.” She pulled away from the group, half smiling at the disappointed noises before making her way into the venue.

Heading to the dressing room where Ellie was already set up, she picked up the acoustic as she dropped her bag down.

“I’m gonna head out and check the guitar. Mess about before we actually sound check.” Ellie nodded.

“Sure, want me to come with?” She hesitated before nodding.

“Yeah, if you want. I’m not adverse to some company right now.” Ellie picked up her phone and followed after Y/N, the two navigating the corridors with ease. They stopped by the boys dressing room.

“Heading to mess about before actually soundchecking.” Luke pushed off the seat, followed by Michael.

“Can we tag along? Before we kill Ashton and Calum.” She tossed the two a curious look, both holding innocent faces.

“Whatever you’re planning, keep me out of it and don’t even think of pulling any kind of prank on me.” She warned playfully and they both gave her matching looks of offence.

“We’ve done nothing!” Ashton called out as she pulled away from the door.

“Not yet, at least.” She called back, laughter erupting from the room before it fell quiet as Luke and Michael followed the pair.

“I’m gonna practice a cover, I probably won’t play it on tour but my hands are itching.” She explained to Ellie who chuckled.

“You been hit with inspiration to write or just play?”

“Play I think.” Came the quiet reply and Ellie nodded in understanding.

“Sometimes it’s good just to play whatever you can to feel the music.” Her arm went across Ellie’s waist for a brief moment, giving her a small squeeze.

“Thanks.”

As they reached the stage, Y/N ditched the guitar, immediately heading to the piano, making Luke laugh.

“Can we not request Wonderwall?” Came the tease as he sat next to her. She stuck her tongue out as she checked it was still tuned before finding the right key.

Ever since they’d released Youngblood, one song had stuck to her tightly and she knew that playing it would help her let it go. But this was their song.

Both Michael and Ellie were sat on the drum riser, talking quietly.

“Sorry if I butcher this.” She muttered before hitting the few chords and Luke’s face immediately recognised the song.

“I saw you looking brand new overnight, I caught you look too but you didn’t look twice. You look happy, oh, you look happy.”

It was therapeutic as she played, missing only one of the keys as she sang. What she didn’t expect was Luke to harmonise with her throughout, letting her lead the song.

As the last note echoed out, her fingers still resting on the keys, he placed a hand over hers.

“You saw, huh?” She could only nod, pressing her eyes closed for a second to stop the tears from building up.

“The song has been itching at my fingertips, but seeing that, I needed to let it out because part of me feels like my chest wants to burst.” Voicing it outloud made her shoulders release slightly, dropping down a little bit as her eyes finally opened and glanced at Luke who wore and understanding smile.

A pair of arms wrapped around her shoulders and neck, a head coming to rest on top of hers. The tattoos gave away that it was Michael.

“How do you feel after playing it?” His voice was quiet, but she could hear the understanding in his voice and it felt like her chest was on fire.

“Better. Less likely to fuck up.” This made Ellie laugh as she gently shoved Michael, his grip loosening as he dramatically stumbled away, only to stumble over one of the wrapped up chords, making the three of them laugh as he hit the stage floor.

“You guys are assholes.” He muttered as he stood up, brushing off his trousers.

“You’ve only just figured that out? Wow, we managed to hide it so well Ellie.” Her voice took on the tone of surprise and Michael snorted as she moved from the piano, plucking the guitar from the stand.

“You two want to stick around for the actual soundcheck?” Ellie asked them as she picked up the second guitar, waving briefly to Cara and Rich as they reached the backstage.

“Only if you play Wonderwall.”

“Not on your life, Hemmings.” Rich called back before reaching his drum kit which sat in front of the riser.

They stuck around for the soundcheck before heading back to get dressed for their own soundcheck.

There was a sense of freedom as they soundchecked their last song and she could feel her body dancing along with the beat of the music. This made both Cara and Ellie laugh as they finished up the song.

Cara wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“You’ll be alright, I promise. Now c’mon, we need to get moving and get some food. Who fancies some lovely burgers?”

As they headed out to grab some food, Y/N found herself checking through Instagram.

As she refreshed the feed, her eyes focused on the fact that Michael had posted whilst they were soundchecking and to her shock, it was her and Luke sat at the piano.

“El, please tell me you did not encourage him to do that?” Her whine made the other three laugh, Rich patting her shoulder from his spot next to her.

“You learn fast that no one can really say no to her pout.” He teased and as if to almost prove his point, Ellie pulled a spectacular pout that made her feel bad for even making the comment.

“I didn’t have to encourage him. I was going to, but then I could see he was already posting it to Instagram. So I left it. Plus you were having a moment so I didn’t really want to ruin that.” The four of them laughed.

She clicked the unmute button, and her voice began to croon through the phone speakers.

“It’s three am and the moonlights testing me. If I can make it till dawn then it won’t be hard to see, I ain’t happy, oh. I ain’t so happy. Flashing back to New York City, changing flights so you’d stay with me. Problem was, I thought I had this right.”

She scrolled a little further as her own voice with Luke’s harmonies continued filtering through her phones speaker and she felt her heart skip a small beat at the caption from Michael.

‘The best kind of compliment for us to get is knowing our music is helping people. Seeing someone who I’ve been working with from day one, pay us this compliment in such a beautiful way means a lot to me. Especially when I watched her heart collapse. What I’m trying to say is you guys think we don’t see the covers, but we do. You pay us the best kind of compliments with them, just like Y/N has done. And I’m damn proud to be her friend and see how far she’s come since last summer. Keep going, you’re killing the game, I promise.’

She could feel the tears in her eyes as she read the caption and an arm went across her shoulder.

“Considering we’ve only known you since the start of the tour, we can’t say much about last summer. But you’re getting there and god damn you’ve got the world at your feet right now.” Rich’s words set the tears running and both Cara and Ellie laughed at her pitiful wail as she hid her face against his shoulder for a second.

“You guys have put up with my shit without any complaints. I’m sorry if I’ve been such a miserable cow.” She finally muttered and Cara giggled.

“You’re allowed to be a miserable cow. You’ve had your heart broken. But you’re trying, and all of us can see that. So don’t worry about it.” Cara reached over and wiped at her tears and Rich gave her one last squeeze before they rattled off their orders to the waitress.

When they’d eaten and headed back to the venue, she took her time and stuck her head in the boys’ dressing room. Luke and Ashton looked up from their phones.

“You looking for Mike?”

“Sorta. I was looking for you too, Luke.” He raised an eyebrow as she moved over and hugged him briefly, but tightly.

“Thanks.” His arms tightened around her marginally before letting her go and Ashton grinned at her.

“No hug for me?”

“Not today. Maybe tomorrow.” Came the playful retort and he laughed.

The door opened again and Michael stepped in followed by Calum, the two laughing at something. When they noticed that there was someone who wasn’t Luke or Ashton in the dressing room, they turned their attention and Michael gave her the biggest grin.

Without saying much, she quickly closed the distance between them and her arm wrapped around his neck, holding him tightly as his arms wound around her with ease, pulling her feet off the floor.

“Thank you.” She murmured next to his ear and pulled back slightly, placing a kiss to his cheek.

He held her for a few seconds longer before placing her down on her feet.

“Not that I’m complaining, but what did I do to deserve that?” The curiosity and amusement were clear as day to her, and she just smiled in return.

“For showing me I’m making progress,” her eyes glanced to her watch, “speaking of, I need to get changed. We’re onstage soon.” And without hesitation or a second thought, she leaned up, placing a soft kiss to his cheek and disappeared from their dressing room.

She missed how his cheeks turned pink.

---

The next month, she seemed to have had enough.

They had a couple of days off in Sydney, so after letting herself onto their bus, Y/N noticed that Luke was already up and dressed.

“Got any plans for today?” Was his greeting and she shook her head.

“I feel like I’m going insane on that bus.” She muttered and he let his hand rest over hers for a second before grinning.

“C’mon then. We’re having our not-date day.” He stood up up, heading back to the bunks for a few moments before returning with his phone and wallet, picking up the jacket that had apparently been discarded over the back of the seats.

“Wait, really?” He grinned at her in response.

“We need to cheer you up. You owe me dinner. Might as well make a day of it seeing as we don’t have anything booked in for today. Plus this is our home city. I’m pretty sure that I can survive showing you around. Did you want to grab a jacket or anything?”

She shook her head.

“It’s warm enough for me.”

“At least take a jumper, I know it’s warm enough for you, but the weather changes so fast, especially since we’re technically in our winter right now.” Luke pleaded. She hesitated for a second and he groaned before heading back through the bunks.

“Yeah, sure. Hey Y/N!” Michael shouted through as Luke came back, grinning.

“Yeah?”

“If that fucker takes you to the Harbour Bridge, I’m gonna throw him to the sharks. We’re doing that tomorrow after the interviews.” This prompted her to stare at Luke for a second before the two of them giggled.

“I’ll keep it in mind Mike.” She called back.

“Good, and look after the hoodie. I actually like that one.” He followed up with, prompting her to raise her eyebrow at Luke.

“I know you like big cosy hoodies. His are the comfiest and he knows it.” Came the easy reply and she simply laughed, accepting the offered hoodie and tying it around her waist as they left the bus once more.

There was an Uber waiting for them as they reached the side of the venue and Luke allowed her to slide in first before following after.

As the car peeled away, curiosity finally got the better of her.

“Lu, where are we going?” He grinned over at her in response.

“Royal Botanical Gardens. It’s a nice day out and also if gets us away from the mayhem of the city.”

The car ride was mostly filled with chatter of the couple of weeks they had off and what her plans were going to be.

“I’ll stay in LA, work on the album. With the success of the EP, apparently they’re excited for more stuff. So I won’t really be getting a break whilst we’re taking a break.” He laughed.

“I feel that. It sometimes feels like you’re trying to catch up with yourself when you’ve got the time off right?” She nodded at his words.

They fell into a companionable silence as the car reached the Gardens. Her breath escaped her as she looked at the sight before her. Luke allowed himself a brief moment of smugness before thanking the driver and looping his arm through hers.

“C’mon, my not-date.” This made her laugh as they entered the Gardens.

She found herself mesmerised by the sheer beauty of the place, unable to keep her eyes still for very long as they walked, eventually pulling away from Luke to get a closer look at some of the plants.

Unawares that Luke was holding up his phone towards her, taking a couple of photos, she turned her head back to him and beamed.

“This place is so beautiful.” She breathed as he moved back towards her. He could only nod in agreement as they continued their walk, her eyes still searching the vibrant colours.

“How are you doing?” Luke’s quiet voice pulled her from her thoughts and she hummed in acknowledgement.

“I’m fine, why?” Luke raised an eyebrow at her.

“Not what I meant and you know it.” They’d been walking around for just over an hour at this point. Spotting a bench, they made their way over to it and sat down, her head resting on his shoulder as they watched other people go by.

“I keep thinking she’ll come back. That she’ll apologise. And seeing that photo, I don’t know. It just, it broke me. Nearly three fucking years together.” The bitterness of her words tasted foul in her mouth.

“Feels like you’re stuck and can’t pull away?” She felt Luke rest his own head against hers and she sighed.

“I keep asking myself, what did I do wrong? Is it the timezones? Is it because I’m away? Was it someone I went out with? Is it because of the rumours? I feel like my head is dizzy and I’m just so exhausted all the time.”

“I doubt it was your fault.” He soothed her softly. She scoffed.

“It feels like it. I found out from a friend that she’s dating another lesbian and all I could think was ‘did she believe those rumours?’ and I hate it. I want to stop thinking about it.” She admitted softly.

A small breeze began to pick up, playing with the ends of their hair as they sat together, talking.

“Why would she put stock in rumours when all we ever heard about was how much you loved her?” She knew that he was curious, but the playful jab was there. It made her smile slightly.

“Because I don’t exclusively date women. I’m bi, and I keep thinking that she actually believed what’s been printed about me.”

“Then she should’ve called. Texted. Anything to give you a fucking inkling of what was going on in her head. You’ve literally had the carpet pulled from under your feet.” The indignation on your behalf made your heart swell for the man with the golden curls.

“It takes two to tango. I never called as often as I should’ve-”

“Stop right there.” He cut her off and she pressed her lips together, eyes closing as she sighed. “She’s made her bed and she’s gotta lie in it. You’re the one dealing with the aftermath of it. You’ve been so busy with this tour, anyone can see how hard you work and how exhausted you are. She knew what was coming but still didn’t make that effort. That’s on her, not you.”

They lapsed into silence once more. Then,

“Thank you, Lu. I’m sorry.” He rolled his eyes at her before finally pulling her up from the bench with him as he got up.

The breeze had picked up this time and so once on her feet, Y/N untied the hoodie from her waist, pulling it over. She realised that Luke was right and that she immediately favoured this hoodie over any previous one she owned.

She knew she practically drowned in it, the sleeves falling way past her hands and the hoodie baggier than needed, but she felt warm and it was a smell that was just entirely Michael as she pulled the front up to protect her face from the wind as it picked up.

She didn’t recognise it amidst her heartbreak, but her heart skipped a beat.

“C’mon, we have more time to kill and I’ve had enough sappy shit.” Her laughter was refreshing as the two continued their way through the gardens and found a small little cafe to grab a bite to eat.

Running into a few fans there, the two pleaded with them to wait till they were long gone before posting about where they were, if only to stop the place from getting swarmed.

They ran for the waiting uber like a couple of giggling school children, and only when they were far enough away did Luke bother to post anything.

She seemed content enough to snuggled down within Michael’s hoodie and rest her head on Luke’s shoulder as he scrolled through his phone.

“We’ve got a hotel for the next couple of nights, so you’ll have an actual bed.” He tilted his phone to show the texts and she nodded her head at that.

“Got it.”

---

A the tour progressed, people speculated about the relationship disintegration between Y/N and Allie.

But she’d put interviewers in their place when they got a bit too personal.

“It’s my business what happens in my private life. We’re not together any more, and that’s all you need to know.

But from that point, it seemed more and more fans were singing her songs back to her, and her album was back in the charts.

No one protested the setlist change. It meant a chance for her to incorporate a different cover for almost every show. It felt good to change things up and she knew that she was getting her smile back once more.

Michael had helped on that front.

Most nights, despite the separate tour busses, they’d be gaming against or with each other, depending on the game. This resulted in long nights and many nights exchanging text messages of memes from the game, especially when the other fucked up.

Some of the time, she’d stay on the bus the following day to play against Michael, but more often than not, she went off exploring with Ashton and Calum, buying and sending back postcards to her family.

As the tour progressed through America, she felt a lot more free as she sang and danced her last set in LA, knowing that in a few weeks, she’d finally be back home in England, even if it was only for two weeks.

“What are your plans?” Michael asked as they got their kits together. The last show had been played for a few weeks now and it was time to breathe.

“Not too sure. I’ve not got a place in LA yet, so I’m gonna check myself into a motel or something till we fly out to the UK.” She responded with a shrug and Michael frowned.

“You’re not staying in some grotty motel. You can stay with me till we head out to the UK.” She opened her mouth to argue and he moved his hand to cover her lips. “Don’t argue me on this one. You’re staying with me and that’s final.”

It took only thirty seconds before she finally rolled her eyes and nodded.

“Yes mother.” She snarked once his hand was removed and he got a mischievous look in his eye which set her running away from him, a yell escaping her lips as he chased after her.

“Take that back!”

“Not a chance in hell Clifford!”

And for those that had worked the tour, heard her tears, there was a bit of relief as her laughter echoed through the hallways. She was healing.

As they got back to his place, the masses of bags being dragged in between the two of them, Michael was the first to collapse on the couch and she followed shortly after, his arms wrapping around as he pulled her close, a soft sigh escaping his lips.

“C’mon, we need to go to bed.”

“But you’re comfy.”

“You need a proper bed.”

“Nope.”

“Y/N.” Michael groaned and she giggled softly pressing her face into his shoulder.

“We just got back, we need to breathe a bit, dumbass.” He laughed as he squeezed her tightly.

“Alright. But if you fall asleep, I’m not carrying you.” He warned and she shrugged, pressing herself closer as her eyes fluttered shut.

“Can’t escape from me now, Clifford.” She muttered quietly before her breathing grew slower.

Michael knew how exhausted she was, her heart still healing from the heartbreak and he knew that it was going to be tough on her. So as a soft snore escaped her lips, Michael found himself unable to even move her, his heart softening as he pulled her tight and placed a kiss to her temple.

“Like I’d even want to try.”

It was hours later when the pair woke up. Michael woke up first, his arms keeping her encased as he just enjoyed the moment of peace. Glancing at the clock, the numbers read that it was three thirty in the morning, and as much as he didn’t want to move, he knew that the both of them needed to lie in a proper bed.

“C’mon sleepy head.” His voice was raspy, tired. He knew that once they were both in their beds, neither would re-emerge for another twelve hours at least.

“Don’t wanna.” Finally came from Y/N and Michael laughed softly.

“Going to have to move. I promise once you’re in bed, I won’t wake you again.” That seemed to get her moving enough so that they were leaning on each other as they stumbled through his place to the guest room.

Not even caring of the fact that Michael was still in the room, she wiggled free from her jeans, crawling beneath the covers.

“You’re the best. Night Mikey.” The sentence was slurred, her voice getting softer before the sentence ended with a snore. He snorted, leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to her forehead before he made his way to his own room, ditching jeans and his shirt before crawling beneath his own covers.

It was almost like someone hit him over the head with a baseball bat. He was knocked out immediately.

—

It felt like a full on recovery for the first three days. Y/N was feeling like the wind had been stolen from her sails before Michael explained it wasn’t uncommon.

“We’ve just done seven months of touring and promo mixed together. Even with the days off, you’re still doing something. Your body probably feels like this is the first chance you’ve had to relax in months.”

They settled themselves in the living room for the first three days, watching tv and napping. It was relaxed and she could feel like her days were easier.

By the fourth day, that was when they started to venture out a bit. Ashton immediately invited himself around and took Y/N out for lunch when she’d sent a text saying she felt a little more alive.

Michael could only laugh as he half dragged her out of his place.

“I’ve got my own shit to do, I’d rather be going for lunch!” He yelled out after her plea to save her escaped from her lips.

“How are you feeling now that you’ve had a chance to let your body recover?”

“I’m not bad. I still expect to see her name a few times but it’s easier now that her number isn’t in my phone and I’m not pining as much. I’m just more worried about finding a place out here now.”

Ashton nodded in understanding as they pulled into one of the car park complexes.

“Whilst we’re here and then out in the UK, I don’t mind helping you if you want to sit down and look?” She smiled at him as they walked through the town.

“Yeah, thanks. Hey, would you mind coming with me to explain to my family? It’s just that they worry and I don’t want them to.” As they reached the restaurant, Ashton held the door open for her before following behind.

“Table for two under Irwin?” He asked before the hostess could even greet them. She checked the roster before nodding her head and guiding them further into the restaurant.

Once they were seated and were looking over the menus, Ashton finally asked her the question.

“Why me, and not one of the other guys?” She half smiled at that.

“I know that Sierra is coming to the UK leg of the tour. I also know that Calum will want to visit Mali whilst he’s over there.”

“And Michael?”

She had to pause at that. Why wouldn’t she ask him?

Ashton waited as she tried to find her words, before her eyes settled on the table.

“You all just assumed I was a lesbian, right?” The question in return caught Ashton off guard as he slowly nodded.

“Well, yeah. I mean we never really asked you about your previous relationships.” Ashton shrugged as he set the menu down to look at her properly.

“I’m not. I’m bisexual. My family know and accept this. But if I take Michael, they’ll assumed that I’m dating him already.”

“And they won’t assume that with me?”

“Because I don’t act like I’m in love with you, moron.” She rolled her eyes before they widened in shock.

Ashton smirked.

“Fuckin’ knew it.” He muttered before sighing. “I’ll come with you, if only so your family don’t have any kind of freak out and reveal that you’ve been crushing on Mike for a while.”

“Shut up.” She hissed quietly, making him laugh as the waitress came over and took their orders.

“Chill out, my feline friend. I don’t think the others have cottoned on yet, but I definitely noticed it after your not-date with Luke. It annoyed him that you went with Luke on the day off and he had to settle for half a day because of interviews.” At that, her head fell into her hands and a sigh escaped her lips.

“Ashton, I’m royally fucked. I’m spending the next two months with him and I literally feel like a teenaged schoolgirl with her first crush, except my heart still feels fucking broken beyond repair right now. And he doesn’t deserve that.”

“Maybe he doesn’t. Or maybe he does deserve someone who feels like that so he can show her that she’s not as broken as she thinks.”

As the food arrived, they switched the conversation to the European leg of the tour, the various cities they were excited to visit and gifts they planned on buying.

“Are you worried about seeing Allie?” He finally asked, resting his elbows on the table and his head on his hands.

She leaned back in her chair and thought about his question.

“No. Well, it’s going to hurt. I know that. I’ve still got to collect the last of my stuff from hers and get it shipped over here. So I’m going to have to see her. But honestly?” She hesitated before sighing. “I’m more worried about how I’m going to actually react. Because I don’t know if I’m angry or not. I couldn’t make heads or tails of my emotions on the road and I had to stay put together for the interviews and shows.”

“What dates are you going to see your family?”

“Mum’s planning a family shindig on Halloween. Then they’ve got a small van for me and it’ll pick me up straight after the Sheffield show. Instead of flying out on the third with you guys, I’ll fly back out to the tour on the fourth.”

“Want me with you for the whole thing?” He watched as her eyes dropped to the table and it was like the embarrassment radiated in waves off her.

“Am I that easy to read?” Ashton chuckled.

“No, I just know my friend well enough to see when she doesn’t want to ask for something in fear of overstepping some kind of boundary.” His words were teasing, but the sincerity stunned her for a second.

“Only if you want to, Ash. But it means that you’ll be sharing my room with me.” He laughed.

“It’s fine. Shall we head out to look for a place for you then? Might as well get a start before we leave for Europe.” She nodded in acceptance and split the bill with him. As the two left, they’d both spotted the paps lurking about, but both ignored them as they made their way back to Ashton’s car.

“Shall we place bets on how many articles say we’re dating, even when it’s plainly obvious even to a blind man that I’m not interested in you?” Ashton laughed as he got in the car and they peeled away from the complex and headed back to his.

----

With Ashton’s help, they’d managed to secure a decent house for her and with the money from the album sales and tour, she knew it was easier to outright buy the place instead of renting, which is what she did.

She swore Ashton to secrecy, because there was no point in making a big fuss over her place. It still needed some work done and they worked over the two week break to get the place cleaned up and furnished for her return back to LA once the tour finished.

“So you’re gonna host a housewarming party when we get back right?” She laughed as she locked up the place. It was all done, all she needed to do was ship her stuff over. She’d already met with a few of her new neighbours and they’d agreed to hold parcels for her until she returned from the tour the following month later.

“First we’re celebrating the surprise party for Michael. Our boy is turning twenty three. Can’t ignore that.” They laughed as they got into his car.

“Well yeah, there’s that first. But after?”

“Considering we’re both up for ARIA’s, still don’t know how I managed that,” Ashton laughed, “so I’m gonna give it a couple of days, so maybe have the party on the twenty first or twenty second. Then to my knowledge, I’m flying out on the twenty fifth for the rehearsals?” Ashton nodded.

“Sounds about right. I know Cal’s going over earlier to spend time with his family.”

“Right. This is still feeling so surreal, honestly.” He laughed.

Flying out from LA back to London seemed like a breeze, but she also knew that this was where she’d have to go back home. Y/N was both excited and nervous to go back to her hometown.

The flight to London had been filled with jittery nerves. They’d landed late in the evening and only a small handful of fans were waiting to greet them.

“Welcome home Y/N!” One fan called and she chuckled.

“Thanks guys. How’re you all doing?” She received varied answers from the small group that had gathered around her. She could see the phones out but didn’t protest them like she usually would’ve, she was just too damn tired.

“How was the flight for you?” One fan asked and she shrugged, rubbing the back of her neck.

“Exhausting. I forget how tiring flying can actually be, especially when you’re not good on long flights as it is.” She grinned bashfully, earning a few scattered giggles.

“Are you looking forward to being back home for a little bit?”

“Definitely. I’ve got plans on our days off to go visit my family and I know my mum is super excited to see me. I’m almost certain she’s called every family member that’s old enough to drive to come to this meal. That’s going to be a busy day.” the fans were calm and the discussion turned to new music.

“Have you been working on anything on the road?” She shrugged at that question.

“Yes and no. I haven’t pushed myself to write, but I’ve been recording. I can’t say much now, but you guys are going to absolutely love it, I promise you.” This earned her excited whispers and she giggled as she signed a few things for them.

She was more than happy to take a few selfies with a few of them before Michael called her over and she made quick apologies, heading over to where he was loitering with security.

“They’re sending vans. They’ll take us to the bus pick up and then it’s an overnight journey to Glasgow.” His eyes were watching how tired she was and she sighed.

“Why can’t they just fly us up there instead?” She groaned quietly, making him laugh.

“Because they’re assholes. Fancy bus crashing for the night? I know El, Rich and Cara are going to be wide awake.”

“And you four losers won’t be?” Came back the tart reply and he grinned.

“We’re just as tired as you are. So no, we’re probably going to knock out the second our heads hit the bunk.”

She hesitated for a moment before sighing. Pulling out her phone, she messaged the group chat she had with her own bandmates.

‘You guys cool if I bus crash tonight?’

Ellie was the first to reply.

‘Yeeah, we were thinking of maybe having a couple of games going when we go on. You look exhausted so you’d probs be better off sleepin on their bus.’

She replied almost instantly.

‘That’s fine by me. You guys be as loud as you like.’

It wasn’t much longer till they all piled into the two vans and it felt like she’d barely blinked before being shaken awake by Michael.

“C’mon Y/N, we’re at the busses.” The cold October weather made her cringe into Michael’s side and he laughed.

“Shut up, I’m used to the LA heat.” She grumbled. He fell silent but pulled her tighter to him anyway. She was wrapped up in the hoodie she’d managed to acquire after her not-date with Luke and he hadn’t argued the loss of it, claiming she looked cuter in it anyway.

When they got on the bus, the boys went to claim their bunks and before she could head to the back to crash on the sofa, Michael was pulling her into the bunk area and she couldn’t help but smile at someone who looked so stupidly cute, especially when his eyes were silently pleading with her.

With a sigh, she took off her bra, tossing it to the end of his bunk before climbing in and he followed after. Not even bothering to take off the hoodie, she curled into his side and with a whispered ‘goodnight’ between the two of them, it didn’t take too long before both of them were fast asleep, his body turned towards hers and his arm thrown over her waist.

When Michael woke the next morning, she was curled against him, her back pressing against his chest. His arm was still thrown across her waist. He didn’t dare move as he tiredly stared at her, his heart skipping a beat as her eyes opened and she turned over, face hiding against his chest.

She could feel her heartbeat thundering against her chest as she felt his lips against the top of her head.

“Morning kitten.” She tried not to let her shock show at the pet name, a simple hum of acknowledgement escaping as she pressed her face firmly against his chest, not willing to move an inch.

“Morning.” She finally muttered and he chuckled.

“We in Glasgow yet?” He shook his head.

“Still travelling. Not sure where we are though.” A sigh escaped her lips.

“Means we don’t have to move.” She muttered stubbornly her arm wrapping around him and he could feel heat rising in his cheeks as he held her close, mouthing a silent prayer just to keep his cool till they woke up properly.

It took another thirty minutes before the bunk curtain was pulled open by Luke.

“C’mon lovebirds. We reach Glasgow in about an hour.” He ducked the pillow she threw at him before Michael pushed out of the bunk first, and she reluctantly moved, following after him.

She slipped her bra on before following through to the front of the bus and was greeted with tired smiles from the other three. She took the open spot next to Michael, ignoring the pointed looks from Luke and Ashton as she lay her head on his shoulder.

“You changing anything to the setlist this tour?” She snorted into the cup of tea that Ashton had passed her at Calum’s question.

“I desperately want to cover Fuck You, just to be petty. But I won’t,” they all shared grins at that, “I will maybe switch the order of the setlist and throw the cover towards the start. Get the crowd going.”

“What cover you gonna do?”

“All the covers that get Brits fucking jumping.” She teased and they laughed as the bus finally pulled to a stop and she stood up, stretching out her tired limbs.

“You up for exploring tomorrow whilst we’re here?” Ash questioned and she nodded in agreement as she headed to the door of the bus.

“Yeah, who’s heading out tomorrow with you?”

“Just me.” Calum piped up and she grinned at him.

“Cool, see you guys in a bit.” And she was off the bus and onto her own seconds later, grateful that they were cut off from the fans view. She did not need to add fuel to that burning fire.

As she got on the bus, she was met with a very tired looking Cara who was nursing a coffee with both of her hands.

“Morning.” Came the quiet greeting.

“Morning to you too sunshine. How was last night?” Y/N sat herself opposite Cara who groaned quietly.

“I think it’s mostly tiredness speaking because not a lot of alcohol was consumed. But we’re just so excited to be playing for shows in the UK.”

“Even though you guys were with me for the first part of the tour.” She teased and they laughed quietly.

“It doesn’t count and you know it. This is playing in different cities. Playing in London once does not count at all.” Came the snarky retort and she held up her hands in a surrender position.

“I’m gonna go get changed. I might head into the venue and maybe work on something. Still got ideas running through my head.” She stood up, heading to the bunk area and Cara gave her a devious grin.

“Something to commemorate your night with Michael?” The taunt was playful and in jest and Y/N simply grinned.

“Maybe.”

---

As it crept closer to Halloween, it was obvious about how nervous Y/N was getting over the family party. More than once, Michael offered to come down with her and Ash, but she shook her head, desperately hoping that he couldn’t see how wistful her smile was.

“You need to hold the fort with Luke and Cal whilst I steal Ash for the day. We’ll be back in time for drinks, I promise.”

From London both her and Ashton travelled further south to her hometown on Halloween morning. They spent the majority of the journey discussing various ideas for her place back in LA, debating on different colours for the guest rooms that had yet to be painted.

“How many people are going to be there?” He questioned quietly as they pulled off the motorway. She checked her phone, scrolling through her previous messages with her mum.

“Mum said about twelve. But that’s just aunts and uncles and cousins. She’s not included their kids.” A low groan escaped him and she giggled.

“Hey, you agreed to this, knowing that I have a big family.” He rolled his eyes before smiling.

“I know. But it’s the kids that I’m worried about. Are you sure they won’t freak out?”

“Lucy might. She’s the only one I know that has probably listened to your stuff. The boys could care less.” She shrugged in return and he simply slumped down in the seat, earning a giggle.

“It won’t be like this at the weekend though?”

“Oh god no. This weekend is going to be telling them about moving to LA and packing up my stuff. Might even show you a few spots I frequented as a kid.” They shared matching grins as the car turned into a cul-de-sac and her eyes lit up.

Ashton couldn’t help himself as he snapped a photo of the beaming smile on her lips, his own lips curving into a grin to match hers.

“We’re here!” The car pulled to a stop and they got out of the car. Once it disappeared back down the street after a confirmation of pick up time, she headed to the front door and knocked. It was only eleven am, but she could see the various cars and hear the voices.

The door pulled open and she was greeted by her dad whose face lit up, pulling her into a warm hug.

It was a hug she’d been craving for months and her entire body melted against him.

“Welcome home, little one.” He murmured softly in her ear and she responded by clinging to him tighter before pulling away.

“Dad, this is Ashton, he’s the drummer of 5 Seconds of Summer, the band who helped give me this amazing opportunity.” She stepped to the side and Ashton held his hand out.

He was stunned when her dad pulled him in for a hug instead and his cheeks went slightly pink.

“Thank you for giving my little girl such a wonderful opportunity, come in, come in! The rest of the family are here.” He waved them both in and as she stepped through the door, Ashton ran his fingers through the mop of curls.

“I can see where you get the hugging genetic from.” He muttered under his breath and she snorted out a giggle before an excited squeal emitted from the living room.

“You’ve seen nothing yet, Irwin.”

As if on cue, her mum came rushing out of the living room and practically barrelled her over, holding onto her tightly as she peppered her face with kisses, making Y/N giggle.

“Hi mum. Missed you too.”

“Oh my baby is finally home for a bit!”

“Your baby is gonna pass out because she can’t breath and has barely stepped into the house.” She shot back sarcastically and Ashton coughed to cover up a chuckle. This turned her mum’s attention to Ashton.

“Don’t think you get out of this! You must be Ashton, yes?”

“Yes ma’am, it’s-” He was cut off as she pulled him in for a tight hug, this time making Y/N snicker at his wide eyes.

“Nice to meet you.” He finally finished off, making her mum laugh.

“It’s wonderful to meet you too, dear. Now come on through, a lot of the family are already here.” She pulled back, taking a hold of Ashton’s hand and he shot Y/N a panicked look and she shrugged in return as she followed after the two.

It took half an hour just to introduce Ashton to everyone who had already arrived because they were determined to ask him questions about the tour and what she had done on the tour and every question in between.

It was her Aunt Hallie who caught her unawares.

“So where’s young Allie?” She froze for a second, her eyes widening for a moment before her hand reached up, rubbing the back of her neck.

“Uh, we’re not together any more. We haven’t been for, like the last five months.” The awkward silence that filled the room and she could feel her stomach twist uncomfortably.

“Is this young Ashton your new thing then?” Her eyes widened in shock and Ashton, who had taken that moment to take a drink from the water that her mum had offered, choked.

“No, he’s here as support. Uh, I’m going to be collecting the rest of my stuff from Allie’s this weekend so he offered to meet the family as well, get it out of the way and-”

“She was worried about possibly running into Allie. I was the most level headed out of the band when the breakup happened and she wanted someone who would be able to be objective and stop anything from happening.” Ashton interjected once he’d gotten his breath back.

“And prey-tell why are you not dating him then?”

“Hallie,” her mum hissed softly, “that’s none of our business.”

“It’s fine, mum. Uh, I’m not interested in Ashton. I see him more as my brother. He’s been really good to me on the tour and looked out for me, especially when we’ve done the city explorations.” She explained quietly and as her Aunt Hallie opened her mouth to ask something else, her mum cut in once more.

“Enough, Hallie. They’re not together, and she’s not with Allie. You’ve known this.” Y/N groaned.

“Please, I’m not in the UK for long, I just want to enjoy today with you guys.” Hallie sat back and fell silent as the kids began to badger Ashton. He was patient with them as they invited him to play on Mario Kart.

As Y/N had expected, Lucy had fallen very shy around Ashton, so she went to her younger cousin and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“I’m almost certain that if you ask nicely, he’ll let you have a picture with him.” Her cheeks flushed pink as she hid her face in her side and she chuckled.

“Alright. You wanna stick with me?” A nod followed and so she had a shadow attached to her as she joined Ashton on the floor and talked with the other adults about the tour and where she’d visited.

The kids soon abandoned the game when she began to show them photos she’d taken, so Ashton showed them some of his own and that was when Lucy began to come out of her shell.

“S’pretty photo of Y/N.” Came the soft mumble at the photo that he’d taken of her in Glasgow. Ashton beamed at Lucy who immediately went bright red.

“She’s the worst for having photos taken of her though, we have to catch her off guard or only when she’s in a particular mood to have photos taken. When we were in Australia, we were trying to get a group shot of all of us on the beach and she rolled off her towel and onto the sand to not be in the photo.” This earned him a giggle from Lucy and she slowly inched away from Y/N to take a look at the photo he was showing.

Ashton seemed to have earned himself the shadow that was her younger cousin then and it was sweet as he answered every question she had and even as they went to get food from the buffet that her mum had laid out, he let her sit with him.

Y/N had disappeared into the kitchen after taking a photo of the two of them talking. Hallie pinned her with a look and she sighed.

“Listen, he is not my boyfriend. I’m not starting this argument with you on my day off. We’re not here for much longer, the car will be here in a couple of hours to get us back to London.”

“I was just going to say he’s a nice boy you could have to get over this silly indecisiveness you have.” A groan escaped her lips.

“I’m not indecisive. I’ve dated boys and girls. I like them both. You try this with me every damn time Aunt Hallie.”

“Hallie, we’re not doing this today. I haven’t seen my little girl in months. I’m not letting your inability to see past the end of your nose ruin this day. You know where the door is if you really have that much of a problem.”

“Fine.” Came the huff and she disappeared out to the garden where a few other cousins were sat talking and having a smoke.

“Thanks dad.” She breathed and fell into his open arms.

“It’s okay sweetheart. How are you really doing?” She sighed into his shoulder.

“I’ll be okay, but Ash is genuinely here for moral support. He’s coming at the weekend as well. I don’t think I’m ready to face her by myself.” Her dad nodded before pressing a kiss to her temple.

“You’ve got good friends, little one. Come on now, we need to make sure that your Aunt hasn’t interrogated the poor lad.”

Mercifully she hadn't said a word, because Lucy still held all of his attention.

“Hey Luce, why don’t you ask Ash the question you wanted to ask earlier?” She called to her younger cousin and watched as her cheeks went a bright red.

“Uh, could I please have a picture with you?” Her voice had gone very quiet and Ashton grinned.

“Of course! You’re my favourite, but don’t tell Y/N that.” She giggled at her mock look of offence and obliged in taking the photo of the two.

The conversations continued over the next couple of hours before she received the warning text that the driver was about five minutes out.

“Ash, we need to say our goodbyes, driver is about five minutes away.” This earned gentle whines from the kids who had seemingly flocked to Ashton. She giggled and snapped a quick photo of it before going around and saying her goodbyes to the relatives, Ashton following behind her.

She left her parents for last, and they saw the pair off at the door.

“I’m looking forward to seeing you this weekend. Are we expecting you on Friday?” Her mum questioned as she hugged the two of them, her dad following her mum’s footsteps.

“Yeah, it’ll be late though. I’ve still got my key so I can just let us in and we’ll crash in my old room.” Her mum nodded.

“I’ll make sure to set up the airbed as well. Have a safe journey and enjoy the rest of the tour. We’ll see you in a few days.” They both escaped to the car after another shout of goodbyes from the family and once they were driving away, she let out a breath of air in relief.

“I can see why you needed someone there. Man, your Aunt Hallie was slightly terrifying.” Ashton’s observation made her laugh as they talked about the day and the possibilities of where they were going tonight.

When they reached London, Ash had to nudge her awake because she’d fallen asleep on his shoulder.

It wasn’t too late, so after stopping at a drive-thru for some food, once they were back at the busses, she followed after Ashton, knowing that the others would be on the bus too.

“So, any spectacular parties we can go to?” Cal grinned at her question.

“Yep. You ready to get drunk?”

“After today? Yes please.” Came the response and the group laughed.

“She’s not kidding, her aunt was tough as nails.” At that she snorted.

“Aunt Hallie just has her own ideas of what relationship I should be in. She’s relentless.” Ashton laughed as he went to put on a different shirt. She kept her outfit on, not bothering to go and change and soon enough they were piling out of the tour bus into two taxis.

Ellie and Cara were on her immediately as the taxi pulled away. Luke smirked at her.

“So what happened?” Ellie asked first and Cara pouted before giving her a pointed look.

“My aunt assumed that Ashton was my new fling. My younger cousin had her year made because he spent time with her and gave her his undivided attention. I’m pretty sure my family are ready to adopt Ashton regardless of me dating him or not.” Luke laughed.

“He’s good like that. Was it nice to see your family?” She shrugged.

“A few times we had close calls with my aunt being a somewhat piece of shit about my sexuality. But my parents didn’t want the day ruined with an argument, so she let it drop thankfully.” She explained and Luke hummed in return.

As they pulled up to the party and were greeted by various people, it felt good to just drink and let loose.

She wasn’t as tightly wound like she was at the start of the week and with each shot, she found herself gravitating closer to Michael as the night progressed. He didn’t argue this as they danced together, his hands on her hips and she pressed herself closer as more bodies joined the makeshift dance floor.

And she wasn’t entirely sure at what point she made the decision, but when she looked at him, the bass of the song reverberating through her body, she watched as his eyes dropped to her lips.

Using her arms around his neck, she inched closer, and he didn’t protest and before she could stop herself, their lips were barely centimeters apart.

“You can kiss me, y’know.” He breathed and she closed the gap between them, his lips soft against hers and she found herself entirely melting against his body as he pulled her closer.

His lips parted against her tongue and she could taste the alcohol as she kissed him, his tongue meeting hers and she could feel her heart fluttering. Their bodies were still moving with the music and she pulled away, her breath catching.

“Holy shit.” He whispered and before she could think much about it, his lips were on hers once more.

As the night progressed, she stuck to his side. He didn’t protest this as they continued to drink and soon the night began to blur together, the only solid thing her memory able to recall was the feeling of Michael’s lips against hers.

When she woke up the next morning, she was half draped across Michael, in his bunk. Unlike the start of the tour, she carefully pulled herself over and carefully climbed out. He barely moved as she got to her feet and plucked her jeans from the bottom of the bunk, shimmying them on before moving to the front.

The bus wasn’t moving so she assumed that they were at the venue.

Stepping through, she was met with three smirking band members and she froze.

“So.” Luke started and she could feel warmth spread to her cheeks.

“You two finally kissed.” Ashton continued and she took the spot next to Calum who raised an eyebrow at her.

“So bisexual, huh?” She simply slumped forward, her arms folding on the table and resting her head on them.

“Can you guys, not be smug assholes for like, five minutes?” They laughed and she whined at the noise levels. They fell silent when another dull thud was heard and her heartbeat picked up. She opted to keep her head on her arms, not wanting to look up.

“Let’s grab some breakfast. Pretty sure that one of the crew members said there was a McDonald’s nearby.” Calum’s suggestion was like music to her ears as they all greeted Michael before disappearing off the bus.

“Are you gonna look at me?” Her head shot up from her arms, wincing at the sudden movement which made him smile slightly.

Butterflies flooded her stomach at that smile.

“Do you want to talk about last night?” Her question was answered with a small nod and suddenly, every word disappeared from her lips. She couldn’t figure out what to say.

“Did you want to kiss me? Like, it wasn’t just because you were drunk?” Michael finally asked and she nodded her head.

“I don’t know if it escaped your attention, but I like you, dumbass.” He stared at her for a second.

“But, Allie?” She shook her head.

“She’s exclusively dated girls. I’ve dated both.” She clarified and understanding washed over his features followed by a grin.

“So you like me?” She laughed.

“Have done for a while now, Clifford.” They both chuckled before silence fell around them.

“How do you want to do this?” He asked and she hesitated before sighing.

“We’re technically working together. I’m your opening act. I know there’s like two weeks of tour left but-”

“It wouldn’t look good if we were public with any of this.” His body deflated and she moved from her spot, sliding herself onto his lap, straddling his legs so she could face him completely. His hands automatically rested on her hips, holding her there and his cheeks took on a pinkish hue.

He looked adorable in her opinion.

“Don’t think I don’t want to date you, because I do. But I don’t want to be public about it. Not yet, and especially not whilst we’re on tour. That’s just asking for trouble.” He nodded in understanding and when his gaze dropped to her lips, she smiled slightly.

“You can kiss me y’know.” She murmured his words from the previous night, making him smile before his lips connected with hers the second she finished her sentence. This kiss was sweeter, no alcohol fuelling these decisions and it wasn’t the first thing she could taste. Her body melded against his, his grip on her hips tightening slightly before their lips pulled away.

“The next two weeks are going to fucking suck.” He muttered and she giggled softly.

“I know, but when we’re away from prying eyes, you can kiss me all you want.” She hummed and his lips met hers in response.

They stayed like that until the boys came back and she reluctantly slid off his lap, sharing a soft kiss as she did so. This earned a wolf whistle.

“About time you two. Right, we have food and you both need to get ready for soundcheck soon.” Ashton reminded them both and they shared grins before accepting the breakfast offered and she settled against his side as they ate.

As they reached the end of the week, after the last UK show, both Y/N and Ashton rushed onto their busses to grab quick showers and a change of clothes.

She stuck to travelling in comfortable clothes and packed two changes of clothes. Ellie, Cara and Rich got onto the bus as she finished throwing her charger into the carry on and before she could leave Ellie pulled her into a tight hug.

The stress that had been building up all week dissipated somewhat at that.

“I needed that.” She muttered and Cara laughed.

“Hence why Ellie is the one giving you the hug. Just don’t get into any fights and we’ll see you in two days, alright?” She nodded her head and waved to them as she disappeared off the bus. Screams erupted as she emerged and she briefly waved to the groups of fans that were at the barriers.

She didn’t even hesitate as she punched in the code to get onto the bus and found Ashton emerging from the bunks, his carry on slung across the shoulder.

“No lover boy to see you off?” He teased and she rolled her eyes.

“I already got my kiss goodbye. Why, you need one from Cal?” She teased and he laughed loudly as they exited the bus once more. The screams grew louder as they headed to the waiting car for them, getting their stuff in before climbing in.

The journey was quiet, both of them on their phones as the headed down the motorway. It wasn’t as long as they’d anticipated, due to it being so late at night. But when they reached the house hours later, it was verging on three am and both were starting to lag by this point, yawns escaping them both every now and then.

As they crept into the house as quietly as possible, she guided Ashton to her childhood bedroom and when she flicked on the light, she felt her lips pull back into a wide smile.

The airbed was made up with blankets and pillows and her own bed had fresh covers on them judging by the note that was sat on her pillow.

‘Fresh blankets and clean sheets. See you both in the morning, love mum x’

Ashton chuckled as she switched her bedside lamp on and turned the main light off, helping Ashton find a plug for his phone charger before crawling under her covers, plugging her own phone in to charge.

“Night Y/N.” Ashton muttered quietly and she flicked the light off.

“Night Ash.”

When the pair woke the next morning, it was to the sounds of the radio and the smell of cooked food.

Rolling onto her side, she spotted that Ashton was awake and scrolling through his twitter feed.

“There better not be any sleeping photos, Irwin.” She mumbled as she stretched out on her bed and Ash laughed as he looked over to her.

“You’re good. I felt like being reasonably kind to you today.”

“You’re so nice to me.”

“I try.”

They laughed before she finally rolled out of her bed and Ashton got up. Grabbing her phone, the pair headed downstairs and were met with the sight of her mum cooking breakfast whilst her dad was sat at the kitchen table.

“Morning.” She kissed her dads cheek as she made her way to the fridge to grab some juice.

“Morning you two. How was the journey last night?” Her mum asked as she began to plate up the food. Ashton took a seat at the kitchen table opposite her dad.

“Not bad. It was quite on the motorway so we didn’t really hit any traffic. I think it was about three when we got in?” She hummed in agreement.

“Yeah, three sounds about right. Did you want some juice Ash?”

“Please.”

As they ate breakfast, it was mostly quiet as the two devoured their breakfasts, much to the amusement of Y/N’s parents.

“Do they not feed you on tour?” Her dad commented and she laughed.

“The boys eat like horses. However, we didn’t grab a bite to eat after the show last night. So I guess we’re kind of hungry.” She explained as she finished up her food before pushing the plate away.

Ashton followed her example a moment later.

“That was really nice, thank you ma’am.”

“So polite.” Her mum beamed as her dad collected the plates and did the last bit of the washing up. Once he was back at the table, her mum pinned her with a look..

“We realised that you’re probably going around to Allie’s today. What did you want us to do with your stuff?” At this, the two exchanged a look and this gained both of her parents attention.

“Little one?”

“Well, I kinda bought a house whilst I was out there. I got my citizenship because my job is technically based over there now. So it made it easier to apply.” She admitted and waited as the news sunk in for both of her parents.

“So you’re moving out there for good now?” Her mum’s tone broke her heart and she pressed her lips together, trying to find the right words but without hurting her parents feelings.

Ashton stepped in and rescued her.

“It’s easier for the artist to be based close to home for some record companies. Because Y/N is such a fresh face who has had a massive upswing with her music, like there wasn’t much promotion for her stuff, but she still managed to get number one in thirteen different countries. So with her moving to LA is beneficial on both sides of the fence. It also gives her more opportunities to work with different artists because despite the reputation that LA has, it’s the place to be to get your name out there.”

She could have honestly kissed Ashton in that moment.

“So you’re saying that it’d give her exposure?” Her mum clarified and Ashton nodded.

“Various artists and bands across all genres find themselves in LA. Making those connections are always crucial and she’s made the best kind of connections already. And it’s not like she won’t have friends out there.”

She watched as her dad processed the information.

“Dad?”

“It’s a lot to take in, you moving across the world. But this is what you’ve dreamed of since you were a little girl. Who are we to cause a rift because we don’t like the decision? We knew you’d have to fly the nest eventually, maybe not so far, but we expected it after you moved in with Allie.”

She let out a breath of air she hadn’t realised she’d been holding at his words and he smiled.

“Trust me little one, we will miss you, but this is your dream. You know we’ll support you regardless.” At her mums nod, her shoulders relaxed and Ashton nudged her side.

“Told you it’d be fine.” The playful jab made laughter ring around the table as she stood and stretched.

“I’m going to get ready. We need to collect the stuff from Allie’s sooner rather than later and then maybe tonight we can go out for dinner?” She questioned her parents who shared a look before nodding.

They both went and got ready, Ashton heading to the bathroom to get changed.

When they got downstairs, she picked up her car keys and called out a goodbye as they headed out of the door.

“Didn’t realise that you could drive.” Ashton commented as she slid into the driver's seat.

“How else was I going to get around for tour?” She snorted. “I’ll need to take my test in the states, but I can drive. I might sell this car and whatever money I get from it I can put towards a new car over there.” She mused as she made the achingly familiar journey.

As she pulled up, she noticed that the car was in the driveway and her breathing hitched.

“You’ve got this. C’mon.” Ashton encouraged, climbing out of the car. It was only when he opened her door did she move and finally got out of the car, slowly walking up to the house.

Knocking on the door, her heart plummeted as an unfamiliar face opened the door.

“Hi, how can I help you?”

“Uh, is Allie here?”

“Babe, someone at the door for you.” The stranger called back. Allie appeared moments later and her face dropped.

“Oh. Y/N. Hi Ashton.” He nodded at her in return and she looked away from him.

“I’ve come to collect my stuff.” Allie seemed to paused for a second before nodding.

“Yeah, uh it’s in the garage. Let me just, grab the keys for it.” She disappeared from the door for a moment before returning and the two followed behind Allie as she walked to the garage door.

“So, how was tour?” The words were hesitant and she could feel the burning frustration mixed with hurt bubble in her chest.

“Still on it.” Came the short response and she felt a minor satisfaction as Allie flinched at her tone.

Once the garage door was open, she showed the two where her stuff was being kept and she felt grateful that there was the small mercy of it already being packed away. She didn’t want to be here longer than necessary.

It didn’t take too long to load the boxes into the car, Allie standing by, watching the pair as they shifted the last of her stuff. Once it was done and the garage door was closed once more, Y/N fished around for her keys before finding the key to the house.

“Might want to give your new girl that one. Have a nice life, and I hope it works out for you.” The words were bitter, tired. But Allie simply nodded her head, clasping the key in her hand.

“Take care.” She whispered as the two headed back to the car and she eventually headed into the house.

She lasted five minutes driving before she had to pull over, her shoulders shaking and tears blurring her vision. Ashton didn’t hesitate as he wrapped his arms around her and allowed her to get it out of her system.

There was no rush as she cried, her body tired as the tears finally slowed and the sobs died down.

“Better?” She nodded.

“Better.”

---

With the weight of her move now off her shoulders, her parents promising to get her stuff shipped to her new place, the rest of the tour felt easier.

It was the last show in Madrid when she surprised fans with the song she felt that she couldn’t play before. But she knew that her heart was on the mend.

“Over the last few months, you guys have seen me pretty much hit rock bottom. I got my heart broken whilst I was mid-tour and it sucked. And this song, it was once her song. But it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. So this song, this song is for all of you. This is your song now.”

She could see the boys side stage as she danced and sang the song, the crowd singing the lyrics right back at her and it felt like relief flooding her bones.

When she finished her set and rushed off, she was swept into tight hugs from all of the boys, Michael patiently waiting till last as they moved away from the stage, his lips meeting hers softly.

“So you’re getting there, huh?” He teased and she grinned.

“Had some help from some amazing friends. But yeah. I’m getting there birthday boy.” She hummed and his lips met hers once more.

“Pack it in love birds, we need him coherent for the show.” Calum called over to the two of them, making her giggle as he wrapped his arms around her tightly.

“You guys suck. You need to be nicer to me on my birthday.” He called back and Calum rolled his eyes.

“It might be your birthday in Australia, but it isn’t here. Not yet. So no I don’t need to be nicer to you.” Calum fired back making the others laugh as Michael pouted.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be your birthday when we fly home.”

“Jet lag is gonna kick our asses.” She laughed as they got their ten minute stage warning.

“Yeah well, we’ll have days after your birthday to recover. So don’t fret. Now go be a good rockstar and enjoy the night.” He grinned, his lips meeting hers once more before vanishing after his bandmates.

The last show went off without a hitch and so began the journey to LA. And despite knowing she had her own place out there, when Michael offered for her to stay over at his when they landed, she simply nodded in agreement.

They’d barely had time to drop their stuff off at his before they were being picked up again and Michael kept asking her if she knew anything.

It was difficult to keep a straight face, especially when she was so tired, so she simply let her head rest on his shoulder, shrugging as she did so.

“I don’t know what’s been planned. I was just told to stick with you.” He snorted at that and settled before they arrived at the venue and as he entered, she found herself beaming as he greeted his parents with enthusiasm, despite how tired she knew he was.

She was quickly pulled over and introduced to his parents, both who spent their time talking with her whilst he greeted everyone, unable to contain his laughter as he saw his bandmates.

“It was like, thirty minutes ago I saw you three I think? It’s been a long time, man.” This earned him tired chuckles.

Thankfully, she wasn’t expected to mingle with everyone, so whilst Michael was catching up with his friends, she stuck to the guys, trying to keep herself awake as the night grew on.

“How close are you to passing out right now?” Ashton murmured and she giggled softly.

“You’re the reason I’m still stood upright, Irwin. You’re not allowed to move.” The two of them laughed before there was calls for cake and they finally moved closer, Michael’s eyes lighting up when he spotted her. He coaxed her to his side and she did so without much argument, her body fighting the exhaustion at this point.

“I know that there are some that want me to go out, but I’m ready to just crash if I’m honest.” He hummed and she grinned at him.

“Best idea you’ve had all day, Clifford.” This made him chuckle as the gathered group of friends began to sing Happy Birthday to him and his hand slipped in hers as he blew out the candles.

By the time the cake had been cut, she’d found herself sat next to him, her face nestled against his shoulder. She was beyond caring about what people would assume at this point, and when Michael pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head in full view of all of their friends, earning the whistles from his band mates, she relaxed.

“They won’t necessarily care that I’m this affectionate with you. But I can bet you that there will be photos all over the internet in the next hour of that.” He murmured and she snorted.

“Too tired to care. M’gonna worry about that tomorrow.” She hummed in return and he snickered.

When they got back to his place, instead of crawling into the guest room like she’d planned, unsure on what the sleeping arrangement was going to be, his fingers laced with hers and he pulled her into his room, the both of them getting changed into comfier clothes.

Crawling into bed beside him, she barely managed a whispered ‘goodnight’ before she was asleep, Michael following after almost immediately.

The next morning, or afternoon at least, when she woke up, she found herself happy enough to just remain cuddled into Michael, her eyes still heavy with sleep.

“Morning.” He groaned softly as she shifted onto her side to curl closer to him.

“Afternoon.” She fired back with a yawn and he laughed.

It took them both another hour to actually pull themselves from the bed, and that was when they realised that there was no food in his house and their stuff was in need to get washed.

“So much to do, too tired to care.” He groaned into her neck as they stood in the kitchen, her body leaning against his.

“I know, but we need food and we also need clean clothes. Especially for another party in a couple of days.” She kept the mention as casual as possible, but he spun her around with ease, her back pressing into the kitchen counter.

“Oh? And what party would that be?” He queried as his thumbs began to rub gentle circles on her hips.

“My housewarming party. Last time we were in LA, Ash helped me find a place to move into and get it ready for when we got back from tour.” His lips curved into a big smile.

“Look at you getting you own place,” he teased, lips meeting hers softly, “guess I have a better reason to clean my stuff now.” He murmured against her lips and she nodded in agreement.

“Yes you do. And you also have a reason to get your ass into gear and get breakfast. We’re both hungry and need to do something.” He laughed.

“Fine. But you’re coming with me. That photo from last night has probably done the rounds already. No point in trying to hide us now.”

“Considering that we’re not on tour anymore, I guess so. But I don’t want to be blatantly obvious about it.” She warned him, allowing him to pull her back upstairs to his bedroom.

“Fine.”

As they settled back into a routine, Y/N finally moving her stuff into her new place with the help of the boys, she found herself feeling more at home than she’d ever felt in England.

Her house party only seemed to enhance that as various friends celebrated her move in, amazed she’d managed to keep the move so quiet.

“Ashton helped me find a place and people aren’t willing to go against someone who looks like him. Plus because I wasn’t even moved into the place it was easy enough to get it off public record that I bought the house.”

She did her rounds with the various people, meeting new faces as well. She felt more welcomed as many greeted her with warm hugs and shouts of excitement at the fact she was moved into LA.

Alex especially had words to say, his arm slung around his wife.

“Listen, when I first met you, I just thought you’d be some punk kid, not going to lie. You were not what I expected at all.” He grinned at her and she rolled her eyes taking a swig of her beer.

Her eyes travelled to his bandmates who she’d extended the invite to, the only one declining was Zack, who was in Hawaii at the time.

“Listen, I didn’t expect you to be such a task master, but there you were, cracking the whip, trying to get me to work out that damn order for the album.” She snarked in return, earning laughter from the people surrounding the group.

Michael had slotted himself just behind her, his arm resting around her waist gently.

“Hey, it got you a kickass album, “ Alex fired back, “how is that coming along?”

“They’ve agreed to the twelve songs, six of which have been recorded or at least demoed. I’ve got Christmas off, so I’ll probably lock myself away and work on some more songs, at least get a tune down with the piano or guitar.” She explained with a shrug.

“If you’re lacking company at Christmas, we’re staying in LA this year, so you’re more than welcome to join us. You too, Mike.” Lisa offered and she beamed at the older woman.

“I’ll take you up on the offer. My parents know I can’t constantly fly there and back on a whim at the moment, especially whilst working on the album.” Alex nodded in understanding.

“It’s difficult, but you’ve got us and everyone else here, so you’re not short on guests or even places to go.” Y/N chuckled.

“It’s appreciated, trust me.”

She finally moved along to a few others, keeping a firm grip on Michael’s hand. He didn’t protest as they moved from group to group, talking about the album, the tour and everything in between. She knew this was the best choice she’d made in a long time.

It was after the houseparty, when almost all of the the guests had left, the housewarming gifts left on the dining room table, did she finally pull Michael upstairs, his lips curved up in an amused smile.

His lips were all over her as he pressed her into the bed sheets once their clothing was shed.

His name was the only thing that she could say coherently that night.

Waking up with him the next morning, his skin against hers, she realised how much she actually enjoyed the feeling especially knowing it was his arms she was waking up in.

Their journey to Australia wasn’t too bad. She was mostly jittery when Michael brought her around to his parents.

“I know you’ve already met her, but this is my girlfriend, Y/N.” He introduced the three of them properly, shocking her for a solid minute before her lips grew into this untouchable smile.

“So I’m your girlfriend, huh?” She teased him later that night as they lay together, cuddled tightly. He groaned.

“Would you like me to do a song and dance routine to ask you to be my girlfriend?” He murmured, shifting himself so that he was hovering above her, his lips at her neck.

“No, but clarification would be nice next time.” She breathed, a soft moan escaping as he found her sweet spot.

“Will you, please, be my girlfriend?” He murmured against her skin before pulling away, his eyes searching her face.

“Of course I will, dumbass.” His lips met hers once more.

His parents were easy going and she could see where his laid back nature came from.

“So are your parents going to be at the ARIA’s?” Karen asked the day before the awards show. She smiled ruefully into her cup of tea.

“I wish they were, but the cost of them to fly out was a lot more than I anticipated. So they’re going to be up stupidly early and try to watch a stream. But it’s the thought that counts for me, I know that my dad would’ve been there in a heartbeat if he could.” The two of them traded a quiet giggle as Michael followed in behind his dad, dropping a gentle kiss to her cheek.

“You okay?” He murmured and she nodded her head.

“Yeah, your rehearsal go okay?” Hers had been first thing that day, making her reluctant to leave the warm bed and her boyfriend. When she’d returned, he had already gotten up and left for his own rehearsal.

“Yeah. We’ve also seen the seating. You’re only a few seats away from us. Luke is next to Nicole Kidman.” This made her giggle.

Performing at the ARIA’s was certainly something she’d never expected to be doing, but the way that her song had been received, and seeing even the famous faces singing along, it melted her heart.

It was when she won Best Upcoming Artist that it really struck her that this was an actual event happening.

As she walked by the boys, she hugged all four of them, Michael’s lips lingering on her cheek for a moment before she rushed to the stage, her eyes staring at the award in her hand, shock being the only emotion that she could fully comprehend.

“This time last year, I had no idea where my life was going to go. I’d not long returned from LA I’d been offered the chance of a lifetime to not only record my EP with some incredible people, but I landed myself a record contract and chance of a lifetime. All I had was a finished single that was about to get released to the world and an EP that I was nervous about releasing. But seeing how quickly it gained traction, oh my god. I can only thank the people who have been so supportive of me, John Feldmann, Alex Gaskarth, the boys in 5 Seconds of Summer, my parents who are going to go ballistic over the phone when they see this.” This earned her laughter amongst the crowd.

“Just wow. Thank you so much for this.” She knew that she hadn’t been prepared, she hadn’t expected to win. But she had.

And when Michael found her later on, his smug grin said it all.

“I do believe I can say, I fucking told you so.” He teased her, crouching in front of her. She rolled her eyes.

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up.” She muttered before leaning forward and kissing him quickly.

“So much for not being so blatant?” He teased and she groaned.

“I really don’t care right now. I’m happy. I won an award I didn’t think I’d even be nominated for. Literally a year ago I was a nobody.”

“And look at you now. I’m telling you, your own world tour will be next.” This made her laugh as she shook her head and they were called back to their own seats.

True to prediction, her parents called her, her mum screaming in excitement and her dad rattling off about how proud he was. Michael had his arms around her as she felt the tears roll down her cheeks. This was what made the move worth it.

The news did its round of their kiss, and she knew that there would be plenty of articles trashing her, but she cared less when they returned to LA, his hand in hers as they left the airport.

“I guess this is making us a thing now?” He teased he as they caught glimpse of another article online. She groaned.

“Pretty sure you need to take me out to dinner first, Clifford. Boyfriend or not.” He laughed.

“So, dinner?”

She could only laugh as he kissed her soundly, her heart racing as she smiled into the kiss. Things would be just fine.

---

tag list: @cals-babylons , @glitterprincelu , @calumspeachy , @wrappedaroundcal , @cosmocalum , @mistletoemichael , @talkfastfletcher , @hereforlukescruff , @astroashtonio , @catchinqcalum , @roselukes , @5saucewho, @babylon-uncrowned , @dontstopisagoodsongchangemymind , @therainydays4 , @asht0ns-world , @silverchainbee , @hidd3nfangirl , @doodleasouarus , @empathycth , @mylovehes , @songforhema , @kinglyhood , @youngblood199456 , @makecoffeenotwars , @5squash , @negative-love , @softboycal , @kinglycalum , @you-of-ghost , @meetyoutheremgc , @lmao5sosimagines , @lietoash , @aw-hawkeye , @biggestslutforcalum , @drummerboy794 , @itjustkindahappenedreally, @mycollectionofnuts , @coreybryanttrash , @abitloudforanaccousticset , @boytoynamedcalum , @teampreator , @dukehoods , @dweebluke , @calumhampton , @lashtoncurls , @toofadedtofight , @gigglyirwin , @blue-skies-are-alright , @hearts-to-the-sky , @tiddlerrr , @all-i-want-is2b-loved-by-you , @thesensationalcalum , @ashtxns-hxe , @cakeassx-blog , @dancingonanemptywallet , @rotten-kandy , @vipclifford , @musiclover1263 , @irwinsbambi ,  @rosecoloredash , @jpgluke , @cathartichaoss , @5secondssofssummer , @cozyfivesos , @balsamichood , @cliffordstxngue , @lukesbellas , @myloverboyash , @cxddlyash , @issuffering , @gabiatthedisco , 

There are some blogs who have changed their urls that I haven’t caught. Also there are a few I can’t seem to tag, please make sure that your blog is searchable. If you want to be added to the tag list, drop me a message.

[alcego-writes]

Writing With ADHD

Writing is hard at the best of times, but when you have to add your brain to your list of obstacles, it gets exponentially more difficult. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it! Like most things, it just means you have to find a way to write that works for you.

I am notoriously ADHD. For the majority of my writing experience, I have done nothing but write short snippets of something and then disappear into obscurity because that was all I could manage to do. However, recently I’ve been able to spend time trouble-shooting my writing experience and that’s been a godsend. I’ve been writing consistently (at least four days a week) since mid-September of this year, something that was previously unthinkable. In that time, I’ve written roughly 82,000 words across several projects, which is more than I’ve written in my entire life, let alone over such a short span of time.

I’m not saying this to brag, although I am certainly proud of this, but to say that it is possible to write with ADHD. It is possible to write a lot with ADHD. And it is possible to write without being in agony with ADHD.

It’s not an easy process, as what works for writers without ADHD may not work for you, or may need to be tweaked considerably to work for you. So here I’ve broken down a few issues that I struggled with, as well as some ways to overcome those issues. (Note: These may not work for you, or may need to be changed to work for you. Don’t worry about that! All that matters is you’ve found a way to write that works for you.)

Inspiration Overload

You know what I’m talking about: when you’ve got one great idea, but before you can make any real headway on the project you get another great idea, but before you can get started on that you get yet another great idea, and so on and so forth. It happens to the best of us, and it doesn’t have to get in the way of progress!

Obviously there are a ton of ways to overcome this, but for this post I’m just going to focus on these three:

Idea Dumps

Multiple Projects

Work It In

1. Idea Dumps

It’s not exactly an attractive name, so apologies for that, but it does mean roughly what it says. Personally, I have two idea dumps: one is a Scrivener document where I jot down loose lines of inspiration or basic ideas. The other is a notebook where I loosely outline ideas so I can appease the side of my brain that demands I work on it right-now-immediately.

Obviously, there’s more options than just that. You may find that sticky notes or a legal pad or a Google Doc or the notes program on your phone works better. That’s fine! Just get the idea down, so you won’t have to worry about forgetting it and you get a little bit of satisfaction knowing you’ve gotten some work done on it.

2. Multiple Projects

If you can manage it, pull up several documents. Write down the idea and bounce between the docs as your inspiration shifts. This does require some self-control, namely knowing how many WIPs you can actively work on at the same time (and when you need to shift something onto the back-burner). 

This will look different for everyone. For me, I can work on two projects at a time when time and energy allows, but as soon as mid-terms/finals/holidays come into play, I have to shift my focus to one WIP or risk burning myself out.

Play with it! Look at your history of WIPs. When has it been the easiest for you to write? The hardest? Apply that to your writing routine and tweak it as needed until it works for you.

3. Work It In

This doesn’t work for all ideas, but finding ways to include a heist narrative in your vaporwave novel can be an incredibly rewarding feeling. To do this, consider your active WIP and the new idea you have. What does the new idea have that the other is lacking? Can the new idea be shaped to fit into the active WIP? 

For example, I developed the concept for my sci-fi novel from two different ideas. One was a young woman who doubled as a superhero trying to take down a corrupt government, and the other consisted of three clearly defined characters who lacked anything resembling a plot. By merging the two, I gave that WIP a well-rounded cast and ensured that those three characters didn’t waste away in my idea dump doc without ever getting a plot.

It’s trial and error, but it can work!

What the Fuck is a “Routine”

I don’t know about y’all, but I cannot function without a routine. I also struggle to establish anything resembling a routine without a lot of struggling. It’s hard! It’s difficult to do anything, let alone create a method of going about your day that leads to consistent productivity.

The biggest thing that helped me get a routine was to stop thinking about it as a rigid, immovable thing. Routines can be that, yes, but for me it was impossible to create a routine without trying to track my every task down to the minute. Which, if you’ve ever tried a routine like that and started falling behind, is a slippery slope.

Instead, make a list of the things you want to do every day, or every week, or every month. Look at the ones you want to do right now, and focus on doing those on a regular basis. Once you’ve worked that one thing into your day and can do it without struggling overmuch, you can start focusing on adding another.

For example, I wanted to write consistently. Not every day, but at least every week. And I wanted to have something to show for that, so I would be able to look back and say, “Hey, I’ve been doing good!” So I grabbed a sticky note, wrote the date on the top, and listed every day of the week on a different line. Each day I wrote something, I wrote the word count on the sticky note. At the end of the week, I totaled up what I wrote for the week and then stuck it in the front cover of my writing notebook.

I’ve spoken with people who take their planner/calendar and put one sticker per thousand words on the day they wrote (e.g. on November 28, I wrote 2,000 words, so I would put two stickers on November 28). You might grab a clear jar and some cotton balls/marbles/little rocks and put one in for every thousand words, or enter it into a writing program that tracks that for you. Whatever works!

The point of this is to give yourself a reward system. What I outlined above is a form of reward system, where you can see your efforts clearly and on paper. This is more effective for me than telling myself I can’t get on Tumblr/read/listen to a podcast until I’ve written x number of words, but there are different strokes for different folks. Play around with it, and find a way to reward yourself for your work! (Your brain will appreciate the dopamine boost, I guarantee it.)

Once you’ve added a few things to your daily/weekly/monthly tasks, you’ll have a routine! I like to break down my tasks as little bullet-points on a notepad so I can cross them out when I get done. (Right now my lists look like 1. Write, 2. Algebra HW, 3. Sociology HW, 4. Eat, if that gives you any idea of my priorities.

Burnout

This shit sucks!! You write 5k in one sitting and then nothing for the next eight months (I’m totally not speaking from experience... that would be.... ridiculous). It’s really disheartening, as it feels like you’ve lost all creative ability. You go to write but words Won’t Happen. The ideas don’t just turn stale; they disappear entirely.

It happens. Unfortunately, it does. Some people may call it writer’s block (which I could do an entire post about on its own, as it comes in so many different shapes and sizes) but in the end, all that matters is you Can’t Write.

Before you decide that writing just isn’t for you, take a moment to consider why you’ve burnt out. What external factors (school, work, social obligations) affected you? Were any internal factors (mental health, illness, bad break-up, etc.) getting in the way of your work? Is there anything you can do to ease those challenges?

You might be surprised to notice a few patterns. For example, I always struggled to write during a flare-up, or when my mental health got bad, or when school and work collided in disastrous ways. There isn’t always something you can do to fix those things, but just knowing that there’s a reason can be helpful.

Also, take note of when you start getting your mojo back. When do you notice the first ghostly shape of an idea taking form? When do you start itching to write? Music, relaxation, and days off can have a significant effect on your creative cycle.

In fact, your creative cycle will almost definitely insist you take days off. There’s a reason I don’t hold myself to more than 4 days of writing a week, and that’s because I know my limits. My idea-brain needs time to recharge, even if I can occasionally go weeks at a time without taking a break. (Which, for the record, usually results in burnout.)

Be kind to yourself. Take note of your patterns and play into them. Take time off, force yourself to write on the days when you know it’s just hell-brain throwing a tantrum, remember to eat and drink. You’d be surprised by how often burnout coincides with a decline in self-care.

Consistency

Routines aren’t all that matter. Consistency is key, and not for any of those bullshit “you’re not a real writer unless you write every day” reasons. Momentum is incredibly helpful, and you can’t build that unless you’re also developing good habits.

Routines can help build momentum, but the crux of it all lies in self-discipline. AKA ADHD hell.

Reward systems can help, as can accountability systems (like posting your writing progress every week...), but the biggest change for me was not any of that.

It was letting myself write badly, and celebrating those words anyway.

Sounds odd, right? Why would I celebrate what is objectively bad? It’s because a combination of ADHD-brain and my upbringing led me to develop a paralyzing case of perfectionism. What’s the point of writing it unless you do it perfect?

It’s better to write it badly and make sense of it later. As the saying goes, you can’t edit a blank page. Write badly. If you need to, turn the text the same color as the background so you can’t obsess over the quality. Write in Comic Sans (which is a very good font, but also incredibly difficult to take seriously) or something that you can’t read easily. Find a way to write garbage and then celebrate it. Celebrate the number, or the fact that you’ve gotten the dumbest version out and it can only get better from here.

By doing that, you allay fears of perfectionism. Practice makes perfect, and practice means several drafts, many of which will hurt to read. You’ll get better the more you write, and the more you write the easier it will be to push through the scenes that aren’t working. Hell, get into the practice of using brackets when you can’t think up the scene, or need a name, or need to do research, and just keep writing. No matter what, keep that momentum going.

If you need an outline to avoid getting lost, do that. If you need to feel free to explore the story without restraints, do that. Just write. Keep writing. It’s bad? Keep going. Your ideas will change; adapt to the new concept and make a note to yourself to fix the earlier aspects later. Keep going. 

And there’s obviously more I can go on about, but these are the main things that helped me. (Apologies if the text gets thick at times. Writing is one of those things I can talk about forever when the mood strikes.) Please let me know if there’s anything else you want to know! If you have any questions, feel free to pop into my ask box! I’m happy to chat.