#took me a good 20 mins to get to the point cause emotions are hard but

[fagrights]

cries to my mom about this whole situation earlier tonight didn’t realize I was so upset about it but..

[crybabytoy59]

M&S shopping trip....

That morning was like any other for me a short trip to the local food store during this persistent lockdown full of rules & crap lonely times watching endless movies & eating 🤣....As I pushed the trolly thinking I had kind of become almost robotic in my shopping now knowing each shelf & item off by heart I wandered around aimlessly looking at the others masked up doing just as I was when something took my eye ...I figure I noticed in the opposite isle from behind I thought I recognised ? My heart started pounding at the thought, No couldn’t be...so I walked slightly faster with the trolly, as she went around an isle I try’d to catch up but she was gone in the crowd.

Chuckling to my self I resumed my shopping thinking I was being paranoid half way down this isle I felt a hand on my shoulder pull backwards....as I turned I stood speechless.....stunned by who stood before me ! Something Very unexpected happened....I started welling Up !!!

As if reading me she stepped behind me embracing my chest “Hey it Ok”....I truly fought so very Hard.....But she spoke again “Do you need it tighter cuteness” I nodded as the first tear rolled down my cheek...

She hugged me in a very tight embrace bringing back memories flooding through my mind of her love of making me Cry....

“it’s ok cuteness Let go I won’t let you fall....there we go Clever Baby”

I was lost now crying openly as she turned me around “Hey there There now what’s the matter ?”.....I couldn’t speak for the lump in my throat...

But she spoke for us both.....

“Cuteness are you still having those feelings?” I nodded to her....”But I thought you were over them ?.....

I took a Deep Breath ...Th’They came bb’back.....

She put her hand on my trolly “You won’t be needing this cuteness, push mine & Not a word Madam Look at Me ! ....Clever Baby..... Do What Your Told When Your Told ...Ok ?”...I nodded ....as I pushed her trolly she started putting items in that I knew what they were for! She leaned in to my ear after gathering all she needed as we approached the till she spoke “Am going to hurt you for your lies ...But not like before Baby....this time am going to hurt you really really Bad!”..

She smiled to the shop assistant then we left I put her shopping into her car & she opened the back of the car “In we go cuteness ...Are you in a disposable?” I nodded...she simply smiled as she put on my seatbelt “Wet & Mess it before I get you home...As Crybaby Sweetheart You know what happens if You upset Nanny !”

We drove off as I pushed hard knowing I only had a short time....

Nanny was looking in the rear view mirror at me....A wicked smile that gave me shivers as I knew what she was capable of...such Wicked cruelty one could only dream of this girl was A sadistic who knew how to make me terrified of her....As I looked back at her I gave a grunt loudly as She had trained me to Do all those years ago.....

“Clever girlie Crybaby that’s good....All of it you know your to be empty or else !”.....a 20 min trip then her car pulled into her driveway...”Are you excited to be back at Nanny’s house ? (  I nodded to her ) Clever girlie that pleases Nanny as she is Very pleased today has taken such a wonderful turn for you Baby !...Now let’s get you in so Nanny can prepare baby for her evening Punishment session...Yes Baby Girlie Nanny is going to punish You severely for your naughty LIES !!!!!!.....as she knew you still had submissive little feelings.....O’& Crybaby Not a fucking Word ....Only Your Goo’Goos & Ga’ga’s  Or Else Madam !!!”....

She pushed me down her hall way ..then spoke into the special cupboard...yes baby it’s still set up....Nanny will be with you shortly as she has things to prepare Darling”...

As I opened the cupboard a familiar sight greeted me ! My heart now pounding as I crawled into the small cupboard, it was around 4” in height & three foot wide by a foot deep....the back wall had an old wide studded Dog collar screwed to the wall at my neck height, then at my waist height a similarly old padded weight belt was screwed fast to the wall, a leather sleeve hung to the side, just under the weight belt were two more Dog collars attached to climbing arrest pulleys bolted to the wall a meter apart, the loose rope dangling down from each had a loop for pulling....

Holding my right foot as I knelt against the wall I fitted the cuff, then turned to my left cuffing that ankle also I took hold of the two hanging loops ! Taking a Deep Breath I pulled hard in one motion knowing there would be No turning back now. As my legs pulled both out wards & forward into an unnatural bent position at the side of each hip...next came the belt around my waist tightly I was breathing much faster now due to the restraints & the fact I was incredibly excited over doing this again !

Putting the collar on I was now ready for the one last thing pulling my arms up unnaturally I got them into the leather sleeve to the side of me pausing to catch my breath I then pushed Down hard into the sleeve ! Hearing the Zippering behind me ! As my arms were forced into the centre behind my back by the heavy spring that held the sleeve & the zipper !

I was done now....But knowing it was myself that had put these items in place for Nanny, gave me strange pleasure to know she had after All this time Not removed them !...

My thoughts were short lived as Nanny spoke ..

“Clever girlie Crybaby that’s very well done But Nanny just fix you Properly” she pulled hard on the pulleys as I gasped as she pulled on the ropes, she kicked my legs each one in turn so I was spread further apart.

Then Nanny pushed at my inner thigh into the muscle? She picked something up sliding it under each knee, I felt her buckle a leather strap around my lower shin & thigh tightly! Then I heard a clicking sound ? Suddenly I realised what she was doing Nanny had fitted a mechanical spreader bar between my legs & was now spreading them wider ! I squealed loudly as a cramp hit...she then spoke to me “Relax sweetheart & it will pass cutie...she then wrenched the belt up two further notches having me Exhale to get them so tight ! The arm sleeve she put a belt from the collar that had five horizontal belts from around my arms pulling each one until my skin bulged from each I was now whimpering, but this was short lived as she barked at me “Open Wide Crybaby Sweetheart” As I did she fed cotton makeup pads into my cheeks pushed upwards & downwards between my cheeks and teeth !

Agin Nanny spoke to me “lift your younger cutie” she fed a pad each side of my tongue, then lifted a lime it had been cut top & bottom & now had a makeup pad top and bottom to cover each hole.

This she worked into my mouth, then once in she again “Keep your headie backwards looking at me Crybaby!”

She lifted the black rubber with the large stem from in ! ( This item I had made for her from a lorry inner tube, I had cut to fit me perfectly up under my lips & covering my gums, I had glued a foam oval to this that fitted into my fully opened mouth, then over this was glued a bicycle tube much thinner this caused a raised oval around 20mm out just beyond my lips.But the last part was an idea Nanny had when the gag would move sometimes..From a motorcycle tyre tube I had cut a lower jaw mask with a hole at the front for the valve, but due to the very little give in the inner tube this I had found was quite painful to have fitted & removed ! Nanny Was overjoyed the day we first tried it as after fitting it she kissed my cheek as a tear rolled down in Nanny had whispered into my ear there & then...”Crybaby Sweetheart I love what you have done so am going to reward you cute, with Spankings that baby will remember for days...she had not been kidding !) Next she put her knee at my neck holding my head...then spoke

“Here we go Crybaby Sweetheart have you missed your feeding gag ?..I didn’t get a chance to answer as she pulled the cruel rubber over my face it’s crushing force making its self known instantly ! Tugging it into place under my chin till it was just under my nose the rubber curved up the back of my head too a point at the back Then curved downwards too a similar point down my neck at the back !

Now smiling down at me she wound a 4” Wide vet wrap around my head at my mouth, then ran it over my lips & chin !  She stopped briefly to put small buds into my ears then a cotton pad over each ear she wound the Vetwarp over my head under my chin, then forehead, only my eyes & nose were now uncovered, pulling a roll of black electric tape she wound this over my mouth around my head then under my chin over head back up at an angle to the side of each nose crossing between my eyes, the wound around my forehead...I now had a black pvc tape hood !

She patted my New bound form & spoke...

“Much better Crybaby girlie....Ok let’s explain what’s going to happen cutenesses...Nanny is going to finish up with some preparation then she is going out for a while so that will give Baby time to reflect on her Naughty Lies !!!!

Then later Nanny is going to return with some very close friends she has just called to help with your punishment.....& Crybaby I assume you know what Nanny has put in your mouth ? (I gave a Ga’ga ..she giggled at this) Clever girlie so best keep still ...Try to rest cuteness as Trust Nanny You Are Going To Need It Fuck Toy !!!”...lifting the bag with the tube from it She screwed the tube to the valve from my mouth, the little clear rubber oval I could see was frozen..

Behind me I heard a Very familiar sound ! Nanny was peeing into a jug, this was poured into the bag, then Nanny chuckled at my whimpering...

She then simply closed the door enveloping me in darkness, knowing the warmth would soon melt the Ice Dam !!.....What had I done ?????

Suddenly my ears burst into life as I heard familiar Crying ! One of my old recordings ! Nanny loved to record me when I would “Break” then she would play this to me at nights as she slept ! As this made me Very emotional & ready to Cry at the smallest of things....Nanny loved Tears......Deep WKD tears of complete surrender to her will.........now alone I could smell my soiled nappy ..waste & urin filled the small cupboard I tested the bonds, perhaps I could get free as I was Now getting scared Remembering just how Wicked Nanny was......

As I panted in the bonds the bottom pad was getting wet, the lime juice now going to work my mouth started watering wetting All the makeup pads ! As they swelled up I had to swallow my saliva.

This part took great concentration to do so as not to choke! But Nanny had done this

many times until I could do this unsupervised, as I swallowed I could taste something else in the back ground not just the lime...? But was puzzled as my mouth was not yet filling from the piss bag ?

I burst out crying knowing what Nanny had done ..She had threatened me with this punishment but we had never actually carried it out !....Suddenly warmth spread into the wadding & I had to swallow slightly faster...I was now in NO doubt what Nanny had done to the lime !!!!!...I started crying as the recording stole my mind with subliminal messages of old.....

Three hours later I heard the front door then voices but the cupboard remained shut only occasionally could I hear sounds of laughter & banging noises.....a further hour & a half later the door opened....

“Well ladies this is Crybaby....she has been a Very Naughty girlie & Told Lies to Nanny so what do you think ladies shall we give her a Punishment she will remember for a Very long time ?....I heard a strange voice ...

“Crybaby Close those Naughty eyes tightly ! Now Pain Toy !!” Suddenly something was put over my eyes then pulled tightly holding my eyes still in some sort of cups !..

Then I felt the bindings being unfastened as another new voice spoke..

“Crybaby we are going to punish you So bad that You will beg us to be Obedient !!..Have you shit your nappy Crybaby !”....I was smacked very hard on the back of my thigh, even through my jeans it hurt ! As Nanny barked “ Answer Aunty Dee !!” ...I whimpered out a Ga’ga!! The voice spoke again....”Don’t fret Crybaby You won’t be shitting for a few days after we’re done Pain Toy !”

I heard them laughing...as Nanny put a collar & lead on me.....”Heal Pain Toy !....let’s get her prepared ladies !”...

I was tugged along on all fours !!....

[beautifuldarkmind]

tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

[fandom-imagination-ss]

Author note: WILL NOT LIE! DIDNT PROOF READ LOL !!

🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌

Warning: yes

Part 1

“Oh shit!”

Looking in the mirror, you leaned forward without your glasses you cant see shit. You noticed a pimple right between your eyebrows a Bright Red Dot! This was NOT your day. And it only started 20 mins ago.

Yesterday your last pair of good Jean’s fell victim too the dreaded chub rub curse. A nasty rip right in your inner thigh that ripped enough that your thick thighs now pushed out of them making it look like you exploded from fat. You tried too fix them but there is no fixing pants that fall victim too chub rub!

Which made you have too decided leggings or a dress too wear too school.. when you decided leggings with one of your longer baggier shirts too cover yourself you finally decided too get ready too leave. When you noticed the pimple.

“hurry up kid!”

Hearing your annoying brother stiles calling you too hurry up. You called back that you would walk too school. Something that you been doing a lot lately.

Stiles, Scott, Lydia , Alison, the veterinarian, Derek, Every damn person in your life basically have been lying too you for months almost a entire year. You only discovered the truth when your brothers body was taking over by a evil spirit.

The “void stiles” as everyone referred too him only talked too you once. Telling you things that you already knew about yourself.

Your face looked like it was cleaned by greasy pizza , your thick thighs could crush someone’s skull with how thick it is. And your chubby. With zero self confidence and always the last too know everything! You were not happy with how things were going. All that was a slap in a face too hear your brother your favorite person in the world too say out loud everything you hate about yourself but hearing him say the only reason he involved you the most was because you had little impact on the “pack" no one would care if you were gone or not. NOW That hurt!

You started putting on makeup too cover your new pimple (four this week alone) your entire allowance goes towards cleaners and make up. Knowing if you keep make up off the pimple too clear it off fast r didn’t help when you could live in a cleansing mask and still get pimples. Make up at least covered one of your flaws.!

Getting dress you tried hiding from mirrors as much as possible ! It only lead to trouble!!!

Walking downstairs seeing stiles was gone. Your dad was at work as you skipped breakfast. Going to school you were stopped by a black car it stopped in front of you at the cross stop. The window rolled down too see hottie Mr. Hottie Derek Hales. Who you now knew as Derek Hales a werewolf who is kind of a friend of Stiles. You only call him Mr. hottie in your head. Or to Allison who was your best friend until you discovered everyone was lying too you.

Derek was always nice too you, sure he was a Ass too everyone else but he was always kind too you. And he was the first person you ran too once discovering Everything about the supernatural problem in your town. Derek looked at you over his sunglasses.

“Get in.”

You walked too the passenger side and doing what he said. He slowly drove off. Driving in silence until you passed the school.

“We passed the school.”

“We aren’t going too school.”

He was clam as he stayed looking forward. If it was Anyone else you would be worried but you knew Derek was a good guy so you agreed. Plus you weren’t thrilled about presenting your story in English today.

He drove until he got too his old family house outside of town he pulled in and walked out. You followed as you asked .”okay I give up what the hell Derek?”

He turned too you as he spoke, “did you know we can smell emotions?”

That surprised you. Stiles barely informed you of anything. He and your dad and the pack decided you were too stay out of the supernatural life. Which everyone around d you was apart of.

“Seriously? I mean I figured you could smell when a girl was on her period but our emotions?” Derek chuckled softly as he spoke, “ yea don’t really love that part… y/n you been unhappy for months.. and since the whole Stiles thing you gotten worst.. whatever stiles said during that time. It wasn’t him. You have too know that.”

You rolled your shoulders walking over r sitting on the porch steps as Derek followed. “I know.. and the stuff he said.. most of it I know stiles doesn’t feel like that but. I don’t know I guess a part of it stuck.”

“What part?”

“that the only reason he didn’t bully or trick me was because I wasn’t important enough too be tormented. That out of everyone in my life. All my friends and my family.. only stiles at dad would miss me.. and he’s right.. I mean none of them were going too tell me about werewolves or banshees or anything! Alison rest her soul wouldn’t of told me about being a werewolf hunter. I’m nothing you know. And its- I’m done being nothing!”

Derek looked st you with heavy eyes. He hated hearing you say this. He reached over wrapping his arm around you. “I wanted too turn you the moment I saw you.”

Chuckling st that. You turned too Derek. Seeing the serious of his face you shifted weakly away . “you serious why? I’m not fit. Why would you want me in your pack?”

“my mom use too say we are more then our strengths. You are the most caring and strong headed person I know. Your heart is stronger then Scott’s or anyone in his pack. You would be amazing as a werewolf.”

You breathed heavily feeling your heart pound faster. He reached over grabbing your arm softly. “All your insecurities would go away? You would be faster, stronger you wouldn’t need assurance from anyone. I would make sure too keep you at bay. And too tell you daily how unbelievably beautiful you are inside and out”

Biting your bottom lip looking down at his hand holding your arm softly. Stiles would kill you for this. But your mind wasn’t on stiles or your dad or all the reasons too not being a werewolf was a blessing. You didn’t have too worry about the full moon. Or wolfing out when you were angry . “will it all go away? The thoughts the negativity?”

“yes. But you could die.. there’s a 50/ 50 chance.. but I feel like your already at the tipping point of not caring.”

You nodded your head. “your right… so. Bit me Derek.”

The moment he heard yes. Derek pulled you onto his lap. As he caresses your face. It startled you he didn’t care about how heavy you were. Derek moved you hair from you face sliding your shirt over your shoulder. He reached he’s fingers over your neck slowly tracing it too your shoulder before he leaned over and bite you. It caused you too Yelp slightly at the pain.

After that Derek got you a band aid and said too keep it hidden until it healed. If it took it would take a day. If it didn’t you be dead by morning.

Needless too say you didn’t pay much attention in school. After school Scott caught up too you and grabbed your sleeve pulling it down you screamed too let go as stiles appeared shoving Scott away from you.

“What the fuck Scott!”

Stiles snapped shoving his best friend hard. You quickly fixed your sleeve as he spoke, “Y/N smells of blood and Derek!”

That got your brother your twin brother who was only older then you by seven minutes too look at you . “Y/N what did that fucker do?”

Staring at the two boys you rolled your eyes before showing them yourself. Stiles snarled walking over pulling the band aid off seeing your bite was healing. Scott joined Stiles as he spoke, “ I’m going too kill him.”

Looking at your brother and Scott. He was tense. Clenching his fist. He stared at your wound. Stiles was speechless. Seeing the boys tensed. You couldn’t help but wonder if Scott could smell it. Your relief. He caught your glance. “you.. you asked him too do this didn’t you?”

You simply nodded your head. “ yes.”

Stiles stormed off too his jeep as he sped off. Scott ran off after Stiles too protect him from Derek.

Six months later

After your transformation. Scott asked you too join his pack officially. You sat at Derek’s porch. When Scott tried to convince you too join. Derek was leaning against the door listening in. You stared at Scott slowly standing up. “so.. I wasn’t before in the pack?”

That caught Scott by surprised. He was speechless. Your dad was furious about you willingly being changed. Saying it was reckless and stupid. Stiles agreed. But everything was different now. The “pack" were now forced too knowledge you weren’t just stiles little sister.

Any silver of hope Scott had too convince you to switch packs. Was muted when you caught up with Scott and stiles that day. You caught Scott slamming Derek against the wall screaming that you weren’t strong enough too be wolf. But boy was he wrong!

After the bite took affect your skin cleared. You started losing weight and even your hair was shinier and your mind cleared. No longer filled with bitterness or doubt. You finally realized your worth. Your dad even agreed. Being a werewolf was becoming of you .

“your kidding right??”

Scott sighed heavily rubbing his face. “ I’ve known since kindergarten. Y/N"

Slowly standing up too your feet. Scott looked at you with his big brown eyes.

“I have a pack. I trust Derek, he’s the one whom helped me adjust, helped me when I was struggling with everything. Derek is the one who took me too the mall and helped me buy new cloths! His the one who cared! You only want me because of stiles… good bye Scott .”

Scott left defected, Derek walked over too you squeezing your shoulders. When Scott left you turned too Derek as he got you too run too practice your breathing. You were happy with your new life.

[minsugapie]

Now You See Me: part 38 (2103 words) - just shut up

• • • • • •

You’re a content creator that is wanting to change up your brand a little bit.

Yoongi is a faceless musician. Well, he’s two people at once. He’s Agust D online and while performing, but he’s Min Yoongi in real life.

Who will he be to you?

• • • • • •

PART 37 // PART 38 // PART 39

masterlist

• • • • • •

tags : @dixonsbugaboo @mayumioutloud @xlilybebe @pocketfullofsuga @pwinny00 @rjsmochii @yoonglemickdoongle @live-2-fangirl @cherryicy123 @vernooope @okaysoplshelpme @thebleuprince @minyoongone @original-internetmonster @princesskimnamjoon @waddlingmyg @ur-gunna-h8-ths @zombiewerewolfqueen @spookyricewithsoysauce @tae165 @sunshinedeaa @dreamcatcherjiah @tirednation @labgeek @lyndseygoregasmxo @luwunacy @hellboundblogger @listless-losers @my-chaos-in-stars @pityandchiil @uwukinawa 

• • • • • •

sorry it’s late. it’s also kinda short but it’s loaded with gooey stuff so...enjoy x 

• • • • • •

Scrolling through instagram while procrastinating getting ready for the show tonight, you couldn’t help but notice how cute Hoseok and Jade were together. You didn’t know why you hadn’t thought of it sooner, but they really complimented each other very well…he deserved to have someone stable, who actually liked him. Although you knew that Jade was still hung up on Yoongi, they’d be good for each other. 

Sure, you had noticed that Hoseok was good looking (you weren’t blind), but ever since you’d set eyes on Yoongi, you knew that he was it for you. He was all the you needed, all that you thought about. And when you first met him, well, that was just the blood-red seal on the letter. 

A text from Jade interrupted your thoughts. She informed you that they were on their way to the show, so you had better get ready and be there. If you didn’t show, she was going to track you down and make you come. 

So your only choice was to go talk to Yoongi. 

Walking to your closet, you stared at it for minutes. You simply had nothing to wear. After choosing simple blue jeans, black boots, and your leather jacket (literally the simplest outfit you could have chosen), you sighed and locked the door on your way out. Tae and Hana were already out for the afternoon and would meet you there, so you were going solo. 

By the time you slowly made your way there, the show was starting, which was fine because talking to him before the show would not have been good. Also, you wanted him all to yourself with all the time in the world. 

You watched from by the bar, texting Jade that you were there, and that you were going to head backstage to talk to him after the show. At least there you’d be hidden from the crowd. 

Watching the last 20 minutes of the show reminded you of the other show with all the intensity. You could hear the frustration, anger and hurt in his voice with every bar. You almost started crying when his voice cracked during a particularly painful lyric. The pain only increased when a piano was suddenly rolled onto the stage, and a woman who had been standing beside you walked onto the stage. The crowd went quiet, and you held your breath as the stage commanded the attention. Yoongi was seated at the piano, hood over his head and mask under his chin. A whisper rushed through the crowd when he pulled his hood down and took off his mask. He still wasn’t really visible, but he was no longer hiding. You held your breath, heart race increasing. 

The song he started playing had basically been the only one you’d been listening to as of late —“Song Request”. If the tears weren’t falling before, then they were now. You weren’t stupid. You knew that the song was inspired by you, vaguely at least, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t like it. It showed such a vulnerable side of Yoongi that you hadn’t able to get to know throughout your time together so far. And although it was a sad song, you loved every second of it. 

You watched Yoongi’s back the entire performance, arms and feet moving in sync to create a beautiful melody. You had never gotten tired of watching him play piano, and you were sure that you would never be tired of it. Loving someone that was so gifted, especially musically, was not something that you planned to take for advantage anymore. 

You wanted Yoongi. Hell, you wanted him more than anything you’d ever wanted in your life. If that man asked you to go to school, you probably would have just because he would be with you. But that wasn’t realistic.

In a perfect world, the two of you would be together with your nice private relationship, but you were both plastered on the internet (mostly you). In fact, you were sure that Yoongi had a peaceful relationship with the internet until you came alone. You simply caused him trouble. You basically threw him to the wolves simply by asking him to create a small piece of art for you. 

Before you realized, the show was over, and he took a bow before walking off the stage, microphone in one hand and mask in the other. He didn’t necessarily show his face to the crowd, but he hadn’t hidden it either. 

You could tell that he didn’t realize that you would be right backstage because as soon as he finally saw you he stopped in his tracks, mouth falling open. He didn’t see you at first, however, because he often walked while looking at the ground, something that he had been doing then.

You didn’t realize this, but it took everything in Yoongi to keep him from walking right into your arms and smothering you in the biggest hug he’d ever given or received. The small part of him that held his will-power was fuelled by the memory of your leaving him for a month and not ignoring him. 

He wondered how it was so easily done, because he had realized even before you’d slept together that he would have never been able to stay away from you for that long. It genuinely hurt that you were capable of such a thing. The last time someone hadn’t spoken to him was when Jade initially moved away. She didn’t speak to him for half a year, but even that wasn’t nearly as hard as this had been. 

“You came,” he managed, not able to move another muscle. You could tell that he was checking you out by the way his eyes raked over your body. Maybe he was checking to see if you were really there. Honestly, at that point, were you even there? It seemed like this day would have never came. 

“How could I miss it?” You tried to joke, cracking a small smirk. When Yoongi’s face held no sign of amusement, your smile faded. 

Running a hand through his hair, he sighed and replied, “You didn’t seem to have a problem missing every single one of my calls and messages. You didn’t even open my snaps, Y/N.”

Closing your eyes, you thought about what you needed to say. You didn’t want to hurt him more than you already had; he didn’t deserve it. All he’d been was nice to you. 

“I had to. It would have been too hard for me to leave. Plus, do you want to know the biggest fucking joke of it all? The day that I would have answered was the day you stopped calling.”

He groaned, taking a step towards you, but it felt like he was taking a step back. “That doesn’t explain anything to me. I’m still as confused as I was when you left. We had just decided that we wanted to start dating and actually be together, and then you up and leave. What am I supposed to think? Did you just use me for sex, or to get some songs out of me? Because that’s what this feels like. It fucking SUCKS.”

Tears started escaping your eyes out of frustration. Why didn’t he understand that this was for him? You were just figuring out the words to articulate what you were feeling when he continued, “You know what, whatever, I’m done with this. If you can’t give me a proper answer then I’m leaving.” Yoongi started walking quickly towards you but simply brushed by with a nudge on your shoulder. 

He exited the stage and started making his way through the crowd. Crying out in frustration at yourself, you ran after him. “Hey!” You called, closing the distance between the two of you. Clearly people were interested in what was happened because people formed a small circle around the two of you. It was easy to tell that there was something going on with all the tension and emotions buzzing between you two. “Just give me a second to get my thoughts in order!”

“Why? You’ve had an entire month alone to get your thoughts together. What you’ve given me so far is nothing.”

“My month away was not only because of you, and you know that. I’ve had so much shit going on in my life that I needed to confront before I could even remotely think about what was going on between us. Up until last week my dad was still under the impression that I was going to follow his orders and go to school and marry Hoseok and be who he wanted me to be!”

“Whatever. You would think that the person you wanted to be in a relationship with would have been a great confidant, but I guess not…” You’d never seen this cold side of Yoongi, especially towards you. “Did you even like me at all?”

“Of course, I like you! I’m in love with you!”

“You sure have a funny way of showing it.” If looks could kill, you would have been dead. 

Rubbing your hands down your face, you had to stop yourself from throwing a fit. Not only were you frustrated with the way Yoongi was being, but you were mad at yourself. You understood where he was coming from, yet he was being stubborn. 

“Don’t you get it, Yoongi?! All other matter aside, the reason I didn’t confide in you was because I tried to push myself away. I don’t want to be the reason that you have to reveal yourself to the world! I’ve been getting hate for being with you and only you, but in two different appearances because people assumed. People never stop assuming.” You’d used his real name without a second thought, and although neither you nor Yoongi noticed, everyone around you had, including your giant group of friends that had gathered and were watching the heated conversation without a blink or breath. 

“Y/N,” he tried to cut you off, but you weren’t done. If he wanted answers, he was going to get them. 

“No! Just think about it for a second! People will be all over you in private if you reveal to the world who you truly are! It sucks so bad! I have to live with it every day. At least now you can go out somewhere without a mask because no one knows who you are…” You trailed off, a tear slipping down your cheek again. You were calmer than you had been when you’d become the small rant, but you were more sad than anything. The tears became continuous as you practically felt your heart tear in two. 

“Hey, shh, come on,” he hushed, taking the step towards you and rubbing his thumbs across your cheeks to pick up the tears. 

You tried to pull away from his grasp, but he wouldn’t let you. It was his time to talk. Whispering, he replied, “Look at me. I don’t have my mask on right now, and I’m fine. Let people assume. I don’t care about any of that anymore. I just want to be with you, Y/N, and if it means giving up my identity, then so be it. I’m so in love with you that it makes me crazy. You drive me up the wall, and yet you’re the one person that can calm me down with a simple look. I don’t want to just be some guy that came and went. I want to be your present and your future. I wanted our lives to be one. I want for you to trust me enough to meet your dad. All I want is you, whatever way it comes. I can still make music without a mask, but I can’t love you if you won’t let me.”

You hadn’t meant for your conversation to be so public, but he was right. He didn’t have his mask on right now, and nobody seemed to be doing anything. Not one picture of him was taken. Not one person was even willing to interrupt the conversation. We had everyone’s eyes and ears. 

“Are you sure you want me so badly? I’m all sorts of messed up…” You just wanted to best for him, and you weren’t sure if you were it. 

“Just shut up,” he mumbled, crashing his lips against yours. 

With a few hoots and hollers, you at least knew that not everyone would be mean given the chance. Maybe being with Yoongi wouldn’t be so bad after all. 

[maliciousdraggy]

[SERIOUS] how did you feel after failed suicide attempt

Hear me out, I know this might sound like a troll post but please let me get my story out and I hope to get feedback from this.

I just got out of the VA hospital for a 5 day stay in the mental health ward. They were really good people and I can not say enough praise about them but I have to lead everyone up to the point on which they were able to help me.

Before the cause of my stay in the hospital I honestly thought that people who self harmed was just people looking for attention or that maybe had some kind of fetish. I do my best not to judge people based on just one insight I have of the person but to be honest I've only knew a few in my life, a total of two to be honest and from knowing them in the aspects that they showed to the world I deemed them "attention whores" and never thought about it much ever since.

Last week I tried to take my life. The reasons honestly doesn't matter it could be ptsd, general life related or just simple lack of sleep.

I had my plan together, wife was at work, only mother-in-law was home and upstairs, I placed my dogs in my room and I was going to go into the back yard with a glock 38 .45 acp. I called 911 and informed them that they would have a body to pick up at this address and where it would be located. The Operator tried the normal stuff such as think of your family and friends and how much you would be hurting them with some other stuff but I was half way listening to be honest because my goal was to bed dead and the cops take my body before my wife and step kids got home.

so I laid down in the backyard next to the pool and fire pit I had put in years back, my left arm laid in dog shit and I just groaned to my self "this isn't what I want to leave behind". I wiped off the dog shit the best I could so at least it wouldn't be obvious to the first person that found my body that I willingly/mistakenly laid it in. I hear rambles on my smart phone not sure what she was saying but I'm guessing she was going through a checklist and then I brought the pistol up to my head.

I took a big deep breath and well you know the outcome I couldn't pull the trigger. I a man that has spent literally years in Iraq being shot and bombed against could not pull the fucking trigger....

The amount I hatred I felt for myself and for life as a whole will never be done in that moment. "You had 1 fucking job and you couldn't do it" "you pile of shit, gutless little faggot that always cried out for a way out but when it came you didn't have the balls". Words honestly can not do justice to the emotions I felt at the time. I already give the 911 operator my info so I knew I only had limited time to finish what I started.

I did not have a back up plan when I started this because I honestly thought I could take the shot. my mind jumped to slitting my wrist in all the Hollywood cliches movies I've seen in the past. I ran into my kitchen. my heart is pounding because I know I'm on a timer, the cops are coming and I need to be dead before they get here but I need to die outside. I grabbed a hand full of knifes that was in the butcher block thingie not sure what its called but it held 8 of them and came out with 3. I started cutting my left wrist with the biggest which I thought would be the sharpest and it just tore the skin. "shit its dull" then I grabbed the next one and rub my thumb across its blade in a right to left motion. It was also dull as well as the third.

So here I am dog shit on 1/2 of my left arm a pistol with 1 round in it in front of me and 3 different kinds of knifes around me while cops are coming...

yea fuck that, I knew I had a sharp or at least what I thought was sharp leatherman type knife I had from a while back in my den. I ran in, grabbed it and went back to the spot I picked to die *not sure why I picked this spot it just seemed like a nice place to die but I digress*. I started slicing at my left wrist, the first time I have ever cut my self on purpose in my life and the knife was not as sharp as I thought it was so I kept slicing and it would dig in then jump to another spot repeatedly but at least it was sharper than knifes in the kitchen. The 911 operator is still on my smart phone and I cant hear a word she is saying but I do remember saying "there we go" when I first start seeing beads then what I thought was an artery of blood sprint forth my arm *14 1/2 inches according to the nice people at the va and just kept repeatedly slicing.

Now during this time I thought I was done for so I was just going for style points and just to be sure. So I kept slicing and wincing at the pain when the knife jumped to another spot over and over again but with all the blood it was really hard to see what was being done and I just kept repeating the motion over and over again until I heard someone from my back right say my name and to drop the weapon. I do remember telling the officer that I'm not done yet. He yells at me again to drop the weapon and at this point I figure that I would listen to him because I'm already dead right? I've got my left arm covered with blood that has been stabbed and torn and sliced over 20 times no way I'm making my way out of this. I throw the knife down a good 5 feet from me and place my hand above my head as I was instructed I remember blood hitting my bald spot as I did this and was like "yea, going to die in peace on a stretcher somewhere and not on grass with dog shit on it". The Officer ask if I have any other weapons, I tell him I have a pistol with 1 round on it in front me. he ask that I stand up and by no means lean towards the pistol *I have nothing but respect for cops I know they are like people and some fuck up and there are good and bad ones but I'm not the type of shitlord that tries to make things hard for them* so I do what I'm told. The officer comes in front of me with a tact vest of some sort mostlikey running interceptor body armor *that shit is a joke* and an ar15 type rifle not sure if it was a sigg but he had his kit fully ready.

The officer reaches for the pistol thats around 2 foot in front of where I was squatting on the deck. he takes the pistol and throws it to the side. He had sunglasses on but if I was him I sure as hell wouldnt of taken an eye off of me. he ask if I had anymore weapon I tell him no. He then tells me to stand up and turn my back towards him which I do. He then ask me to lift up my shirt which I'm guessing is to make sure I didn't have any hidden weapons on me and at this point another officer appears in front of me. I dont know when he got there or how but I didn't notice until it already happened.

The 2nd officer checked my waistband again for something that might be hidden and tells me to keep my arms up. at this point my left arm is covered in blood and its just dripping all over the stone decking. I'm waiting for the whole pass out and never wake up thingie to happen but since you've read this far you know that didn't happen. After both officers checked me they called in emts which got to work on my arm and in my mine I thought "haha faggots ya too late, too slow on the draw /muahahhaha I win".

The EMTs starts cleaning off the blood and for the first time I can honestly see the real damage I did and let me be everything but misunderstood here "I was fucking ferrous". My entire arm that was covered in blood and I thought I was done for was just a shit load of nicks and scratches. 20 or 30 times I carved with the knife it was just jumping from 1 point to another very few places did it have what I would even call a decent cut.

So after the EMTs clear me the 2nd officer is talking with me and me being the big bitch I am had been crying the entire time in hopes that the cutting would put and end of my life/suffering. The 2nd officer tried doing the whole "what about you friends and family" speech bullshit which before then I thought was just a trope so I told him I'm a selfish asshole and I just want this one thing.

we go back and forth not sure for how long, maybe 15 mins *I'm not the best judge of time* before I'm handcuffed and put in back of a squad car then moved to another one because its 1 guys launch break *this is true a fuck and in the moment I'm like yea ok let the guy get some food because everyone hates working on there lunch break* so I'm moved into the other car and we make the way to the largest VA hospital in my area. The reason we are going to the VA is because they have seen me before on thoughts of suicide but this was the first time I've taken action. *if your asking why a guy who had seen the doc about suicide stuff still have a weapon, its simple really. I locked it in a quick release safe that only my wife has/had the code to. it took me 5 mins with a flat head screw driver to open it so keep that in mind if you have a quick release safe because of kids* I get to the hospital which took around an hour and the entire time cop number two was talking to me. IMO he is a good guy, not he's a cop so he's a good guy but he honestly seemed to care about what was going on.

I'm in the va hospital, cop number 2 talks to another cop there and says I'm non combative would he like for me to stay in restrains or not. cop number 3 says nah take'm off. so there I am, pissed at the entire world and myself most of all in a lil room with glass doors with a small Hispanic nurse next to me and the 3rd officer keeping and eye on me in the distance.

[yanderexdoki]

My Yandere story

Okay, let's start at the very beginning. Your gonna have to go ahead and forgive me now, I tend to go on tangents due to my brain jumping all over the place all the time but I will try and keep this as tight knit as I can. I was in middle school, probably seventh grade,hanging with my Aunt when she had the idea to go to this local clothing store. We went in and that's when I first met him. Tall, Skinny, Redhead. Him and my Aunt were having conversation while I just looked around, not really caring what was going on. 

We were probably there like 20 min and we left. I learned over time this man had a wife and a kid and that whole family became friends with my aunt. My aunt was great at making conversation and was an extrovert so it wasn't really surprising news.She would go over there to visit. I went a few more times with her but she mostly went  by herself. About a year later my Aunt tragically passed away in her sleep. It was a pretty hard time for the whole family. We did the whole bit, the funeral, burying her all that yada yada. Not playing off her death, she was like a second and cooler mom. I cared about her so much and she was the first big family passing I had to endure. We all continued with our lives as everyone does after a tragedy as best they can until the summer before my senior year of high school. My mother told me it was about time my brother and I got our first jobs so we could help with taking care of the house bills. Off we went driving about town grabbing applications. This was the summer of ‘08 so there weren’t too many online applications as there are nowadays. Anyway, the one place I got an application from was the local mall where "local clothing store" happened to have been moved to since their previous location. There was a Blonde Woman standing there so I thought I should apply cause I remember the one guy and I remember him being friends with my aunt but him not being at my aunt's funeral. Maybe I can ask him about it if he still works here? I know right? My thought logic is real, legit teenager stuff. Anyway, after I fill out my application and take it back to who will now call BW, she had me do like a little mini interview. I somehow impressed her with my fake perfume sale cause she decided to hire me. Looking back on it, I personally believe she hired me because she remembered me being my Aunts niece. So I started the job pretty soon after. 

It was my first job and I was never very good at talking with strangers. It was actually one of the first conversations I had with who we will call TSR from now on. He introduced himself and asked me about myself. He noticed I was pretty shy and he gave me an analogy about an invisible line that I see that I need to cross. It was really the first in many many ways this guy boosted my confidence and self esteem. The tasks of the job where pretty standard retail business. Keep it clean, sell stuff, be nice. Our store never had to much for foot traffic a lot of the time so for the most part we did a lot of BSing. Most of the days that went by where TSR and I talking for hours cause BW had a day job and usually came in later in the day. A few months in he actually told me he didn’t go to my aunts funeral because they make him really uncomfortable and he didn’t even go to one of his close friends. An acceptable answer for me. When your around someone you kind of learn there mannerisms, the way they say certain words, how his light blue eyes light up when he’s talking about something he thought was cool. The best way I could describe his personality is Chip Gaines from the show Fixer Upper. Oh no. Oh definitely no. I am not getting a crush on my married boss, a man in his 30s. Yes....yes I am, yes I did. My senior year of high school started up fast. I still got to work there but it had to be just a few hours after school. Which was fine with me as long as I got to keep working there. As long as I got to keep talking with TSR. As long as I got to hear his laughter everyday. I knew these weren't good thoughts about someone's husband and I really shouldn't be thinking this but I didn't want to stop being around him. As the school year went by the first semester ended and we got our grades. Most of them were pretty up to par for what my parents expected out of me at the time. Except for the D in math class.That one I was pretty disappointed in myself as well. So my parents told me to talk about my grades with my bosses. BW and TSR said if I couldn't bring that up I couldn't work anymore. It definitely got my butt in gear mentally and somehow pulled me out of it all the second semester with straight B's.They let me work on my homework when the store didn’t have anyone in it and I got to keep my job. I got to keep making my own money that I spent on the clothes in the store for me to wear and other dumb crap I didn't need. TSR and I talked about anything and everything. He talked to me about things my parents didn't talk to me about. He made jokes all the time and always had me laughing.He talked to me like I was at his level. I gladly listened as he talked about whatever would pop into his head at the time. I would hear the height in his voice and the deep gruff lows when he was getting into the nitty gritty of his gem of a story he would be mining out. Honestly, this is probably the most one on one conversations I had with someone besides a blood relatives up to this point. I never had much for friends in my school years. It felt nice. Now of course it wasn't just him and I closed the store every night for an eternity. Sometimes I worked with BW and sometimes with TSR and sometimes with both of them and even with a little kick ass co-manager who we will call LCM. I probably won't talk about her too much though. 

I graduated in the summer of ‘09, got my drivers licence and got my first cheap ass car from the money I got from graduation. My parents or my grandma didn't have to drive me to work anymore. BW even picked me up from school once on halloween and took me to work cause my family couldn’t make it. She was always so nice to me. I wanted to be more connected with her too on evenings we worked together but she just didn’t seem as open with me. TSR started asking questions about the name on the car and I told him my dad because that's what my dad said I should do. It made sense to me and I have a good relationship with my father. TSR told me that wasn't the best idea and how my dad could use that against me and hold it over my head. Now my dad and I have had a fight or two but I would never have expected anything like that to happen. Well what do you know, I swear like a week later my father and I where bickering over something and he said “My name is on the car I can take it from you.” TSR was right. He was always right about life and the universe and people. We also seem to have similar things in common, like how we felt the least liked out of our siblings by our parents.I guess we both would be considered the black sheep in our family. It's not my fault I was raised christian and started liking Marilyn Manson and getting tattoos. I wasn’t trying to be rebellious on purpose. I just liked stuff my parents didn't. I worked for them for probably a year at this point and since it was the summer I  just contemplated if I was gonna do college or not. I just decided to keep working my job as full time to save money and to try and figure out where I was headed.TSR helped me as I have been on and off again with my first boyfriend. 

When I was going through a very deep stage of “woe is me, I’m never gonna love anyone again.” he left me alone at the store to pick up his kid. He came back pretty fast and like the first thing he yelled was "DANGIT DOKI”, you had me really worried there for you while I was gone." It made my heart skip. Kinda felt like one of those scenes where the anime girl is standing in an area full of sakura blossoms blowing in the wind as she looks longing at her senpai. Woah, he really must care about me as not just someone who works for him but as a person. 

My feelings for TSR have gone pretty deep at this point. I would have done anything he asked. Appropriate or not. One day I was hopping around the store from drinking an energy drink that day and I'm cleaning and dusting and moving clothes everywhere and I go up to TSR and ask him if he wanted me to suck his dick. This coming from a very shy hyper virgin 18 year old. I kind of looked around and just laughed. I kind of felt bad a little while after I said that but I didn't really think it was that much of a big deal. Months later he would tell me he contemplated saying yes. I lost some weight after being there for a bit due to some emotional things I was going through at the time and I was actually feeling good about my body and I learned BW and I fit the same size pants and decided to switch the ones we bought from the store. TSR told me I was still fat. It hurt coming from someone I was infatuated with. I was shorter than his wife and had a curvier shape.

  You may know how it is working with family. Working with the same 3 other adults for two years does start to feel like an actual family. Besides the misc like 3 other people who got hired while I was there but they all didn’t stay very long. At some point we got a security camera system and we could watch the 4 different cameras on one monitor. I eventually, out of boredom and fantasy, learned that we had one spot in the store on the cameras that couldn't be seen. The third dressing room. I thought all kinds of things about the room. Especially around closing time when we turned all the lights off. TSR made lots of sexual jokes, sure, but I knew he wasn't attracted to me based on my body type and maybe the fact that his mother and I share the same name. Of course the lawful good side of me was fighting myself knowing it's good he doesn't like me cause I shouldn't like him, he's a married man anyway. Never stopped me from thinking about it though. One day something happened. He brought up the subject about how he's gotten to feel real small tits and big “fake” tits but not real big “real” tits. How convenient enough I happen to be in that category. I don't remember if there was much instruction of him suggesting I should try on a big belt as a tube top and see what it looks like but I definitely feel like I was just mentally following along with everything he was saying like a puppy learning tricks for rewards. I was nervous. I tried on the belt in the 3rd dressing room. It looked stupid but I opened the door. TSR came up, looked at my stretch marks and veins with wide eyes. He asked me if he could touch them. I said he could. I let him do what he wanted but I was super embarrassed. I wanted this to happen but he was this person I built up so much hype being near me, just doing whatever he wanted. He grabbed handfuls, moved them around, squeezed. No nipple play though. He got done with what he thought was an adequate amount of playtime and let me get dressed. We never talked about it. I never wanted anyone to know. I wanted so much more.I wanted him to push me back into the dressing room. I wanted him to take my virginity. I wanted him to try all the rough things I was learning were my kinks. Nothing too much happened at the shop besides the two times I got drunk at work. There was one good time and one bad time. TSR, LCM, a dude who would come in the shop often, and I all drank and had a fun chill night just laughing. I remember two dudes who came into actually shop asked me if I was drunk and they thought it was hilarious and awesome, but nothing really juicy or life changing happened those times so they aren't really important. Eventually, 2010 showed up to kick everyone in the ass economically, and we had to close down shop. We put everything away and caused a little bit of mall anarchy by throwing shoes in the rafters. I felt bad because, 1. I was losing what I thought was like the coolest job ever, and 2. I didn't know if I would ever see them again. 

TSR was obviously drinking at the time he had his vodka right by him, like drinking it right out of the bottle. I was upset. I wanted to say more to him about it but I felt like I couldn't say anything. Like it wasn’t my place because I was just an employee. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to be his comfort. Eventually his wife and kid packed up and moved to another state while TSR stayed behind to clean the house and get it on the market and close some loose ends. He asked me two separate times to hang out before he left. Once to go get some food together, he even made the comment on how I was beaming when we were eating together. He knew I liked him. I guess I was pretty bad at hiding it. The other time was to help with cleaning his house. I jumped at the opportunity to dust and scrub just to be near him. It was just the two of us for a few hours. All the stuff they had was already packed and all he had was an air mattress and a blanket. I still remember wanting to be under that blanket with him.  Besides the breast fondling nothing else physical happen between us. At some point I lost his number for about a year or two until I got to beg it off a guy I was dating. He was actually the dude who brought me the booze the first time I drank at work. .TSR seemed glad to be able to talk to me again. We kind of developed this rhythm where we talked on the phone every 3 to 6 months, sometimes even 9. He told me he didn't like texting and I wanted to respect his wishes cause I still had these feelings for him. Our conversations together were very much in the obsession and lust category for me. When we talked it was mostly just updates on life. Talking about our parents doing dumb stuff and what we are up to at the time. The same amount of laughs as before, and me listening gleefully as always. That joy overtime turned into a darkness after our calls would end. I would feel sunk in this place. I would feel trapped and conflicted. I wanted my love for this man to go away. To just be able to be like “nah dude, I don't need that complicating my life anymore.” For me to literally not drop everything I was doing when he would call me. Even when I was on a date or hanging with my family, I couldn't, I didn't. I kept falling deeper and deeper into the peat bog. Realizing my head was under way to late. This continued till I was about 25 and I got off the phone with him one night and just broke down into pieces. I couldn't take it anymore. I wrote a fake text that was implied to be for my best friend but I deliberately sent it to TSR., like I accidentally sent it to the wrong person. I explained my love for him and how I would do anything for him and how it hurts that I can't be with him. I expected his wife to call me. I expected for her to yell at me and tell me to never speak to them again. I wanted to cut it off so I set in motion something to do it cause I couldn't just do it myself because I was a coward. Like nothing ever happened TSR called me about a week later and asked me if I knew I sent him a text he probably shouldn’t have seen. I acted dumb on purpose and was like “ohh no! You saw that?” He just laughed and called me dumb. He even told me he has me saved in his phone with the word dumb in front of my name. It didn't work. He learned everything I was feeling at the time and, without the faintest acknowledgement about it, he didn’t care or tell me we shouldn’t talk anymore.He just told me his wife was originally mad about it when she read it but he calmed her down. We went back to our routine of talking on the phone every few months until this most recent July. I was visiting my family on vacation. One night I get back to the place I was staying after not feeling to great after dinner. It's 1am and as I'm trying to go to sleep TSR calls me up. Without hesitation I answer and we chat. He told me of this weed he liked a lot and how his day went. Then, in weird moment I will remember forever, he said "I love you man, not like a dick in vagina love but, ya know." It just reaffirmed what I've known for awhile now. I will never be anything more to him. I could at least take comfort in what he said to me that he saw me as a close friend. I let him know I have to let him go because of some chest pains I was having from anxiety. I told him I would love to talk more but just can't. We hung up and like .5 milliseconds later he calls me back I'm like dude what do you want and he says, "So when are we gonna start having secret conversations?" My head was already whirling from the feelings of what he just said coming up but now he springs this on me? What does he mean by this? He just said he doesn't love me that way what is going on? I said what are you talking about and he said "We gotta have a place we can talk where my wife won't find it and she won't get mad at me.”

 I was like “Dude lets just talk later” and I told him bye and hung up. I didn't wanna deal with that right now. A day went by and I smoked a little weed and called and left him voicemail for if he really wanted to talk about this and I wanted to figure out what his angle was with this whole situation that had me pretty panicky for the most part.

 The next day he sends me a pic of his current project and I sent him a link for the best encrypted messaging apps. He just laughs and talks about how we will use kik. So I have a kik and I offered him my info if he wanted to talk to me. I really wanted to do this to get into the deepness of asking him what were we doing and why are we doing this? He said he would download the app one day. I wanted to give another hint of “hey you know these feelings are still here right?” Just to see what he would say and maybe we could have actually talked about it together this time around. I flirtishly said “you're always pulling on my string and sometimes I think you liked doing it.” 8 HOURS LATER he replies to my text saying it was funny. This was at almost 2 am. We text back and forth but my feelings hit me again. They are just escaping to freedom in mass through my eyelids .I told him how much my feelings suck and I hate them and I hate being crazy. He replies with a text but I call him. He answers. He says "What do you need to tell me Doki?"

I am already cracking my voice full of tears at this point. "What do you think!? Isn't it obvious by now? You already know I've liked you for a while. I'm in love with you and I have been for years. Your voice burns in me with passion every time I hear it. Your smile cleans off a gross dirty film off my vision and I see how great everything really can be." He then does what he does best. He starts laughing. This laugh I held in high regard is currently existing because I opened up the biggest wound I've had for almost decade.I was furious. "Seriously dude what the fuck I am opening up my feelings here and being so vulnerable with you right now and your gonna start laughing?" 

He said he was sorry. He said "I didn't mean for it to come off that way. A little thing I do is laugh when I'm uncomfortable or upset.” I stopped. Ohh I guess that would make sense. I've heard before that that's a coping mechanism for some people. Me telling myself that to rationalize his behavior. He said he was sorry for stuff he's said that's hurt my feelings and I forgave him but not just my love and sadness came to this emotional let go fest. My lust for him showed up as well. I became extremely horny like probably more horny then I have even been my entire life. I don’t know why this showed up but it did and it felt really weird cause I was just crying my eyes out two seconds ago. I say things along the lines of "Do you know what I would do for you? I would be your personal sex slave 24 hours a day. You wouldn't even have to call me by my name. Call me whatever you want I don't care." Which in my head as I'm saying these things out loud I'm telling myself, “slow down girl your getting a little ahead of yourself here.” I asked him if I could masturbate while we were on the phone. 

He said "I won't stop you." 

I started, I said his name. I touched myself with a passion I swear I heard him moan on the other end of that call. He started talking and making me laugh and I kinda got distracted from pleasuring myself just cause I wanted to listen to him talk.After he got a little more high he said he had to go back to bed and then I was just kind of left there with all my emotions that came to the surface. So I sent him some things I wrote on my Facebook and on my phone that where about him.

 A few nights later I got a little drunk and just said screw it and facebook called BW,his wife, and told her about everything. Everything besides the boob thing. I couldn’t bear telling her. She was still so sweet. More sweet than I ever could have deserved. We just discussed how I just had to stop being connected to the family and how we couldn’t be friends with them online. She made it sound like maybe one day I could though.

That’s the last thing I texted him after I promised BW and his family I wouldn’t talk to him anymore. To end the story I had one final conversation with him on the phone a few days later. I asked him if anything we did together mattered. I asked him if he ever even cared about my feelings or considered them. He told me “I am a sociopath. None of what happened between us mattered to me nor did I care.”

I said, ”Alright, that's all I needed to know” and I hung up and cried.This man was introduced to me half way through my life and even though he didn’t start becoming important in it till my late teens it hurt to just let it be gone like that. It hurt for a very long time. My friends and family and everyone had to deal with my crying and hopelessness for like 3 weeks.It’s been about a year from that point. I promise I don’t just sit there and think about him all day. I live my life, I do my job and I’m pretty content. Every so often though I’ll have dreams about him and it will just make me feel like garbage all over again. My first instinct is to just wanna call him right now. I’m trying to grow and be better. I look back and see obvious judgment errors I made over the years but I can’t go back in time and change them. 

Update: He called me 2 months ago May 2019, almost a full year from us not talking to each other at all,  I was sleeping and I answered the phone with “What do you want?” He was all like “woah, I was just going through my contacts and deleting old friends and I accidentally called you.” Which I didn’t believe for a fuckin second cause if he saw his phone calling me and didn’t wanna talk to me he wouldn’t have let it ring.I was still angry with him but he said he wanted to see how I was doing and checking on me  mentally so I told him I was doing better and proceeded to let him talk for like an hour and a  half. Just about what he’s been up to. When it was my turn to talk about myself I had to let him go because I had to go do some errands.I fully understand I should have his number blocked my problem is I don’t want to. 

I understand that my want for him is not good or healthy. My brain also tells me if I win the lottery maybe he will move in with me and I can be his sugar momma. It also tells me it doesn’t matter that I get sad when he doesn’t talk to me or answer my calls. The sadness will go away eventually and you will get to talk to him eventually. He always chooses to call you back eventually. Every time. I’ve had awful thoughts of if he decided he wanted to hurt me I wouldn’t care. Anything from him is what I want. I understand I need help. I don’t need anyone to tell my that. I use yandere to help me cope. Help me stay grounded and help me have a place to vent when by brain starts doing unhealthy things that I myself know I shouldn’t do.

[dingledsugden]

When I was asked if I would like to go to the Grand ball, of course the answer was going to be a resounding YES! Once upon a smile have been running the grand ball every year for a long while now, and everyone I have spoken to that have been previously have said it’s the best night of the year.

I had been talking to the friends that I went with for a quite a while, through our love of all things emmerdale so I was excited to meet them. When I did, straight away it was like I had known them for years. We had the best time getting to know each other and enjoying ourselves.

We got to the hotel and the first port of call was the bar, after 6 hours on a train and another 20 mins in a taxi I was very ready for some refreshments. We then got ready for the ball and then back to the bar we went! The emmerdale stars were starting to filter into the bar with Danny and Daniel wondering in for pre show courage and supportive words from their friends.

After which it was time to go over to where the ball was being held. We walked the red carpet with various stars of Corrie behind us. A very surreal moment. Convening in the foyer, we watched Danny and Daniel walk in with Xander Rossous, the brother of Manchester bombing attack victim Saffie Rossous. They didn’t leave his side, posing for pictures with the press.

Drinks reception was next on the list, a free glass of bubbly when we got there. Shortly after which we ran into Anthony Quinlan (Pete) and his girlfriend. We chatted with him and got a group shot with our group. Next up was Ned Porteous (Joe Tate), Shaun Thomas (Gerry) and Thomas Atkinson (Lachlan White), looking very dapper in their suits, Ned supporting a trademark Joe Tate Smirk!

Shortly afterwards it was time to take our seats at the table. We were greeted by the lovely voices of the Manchester shoe choir singing the hits from ‘The Greatest Showman’ soundtrack. A move which delighted Sally Dexter who was enthusiastically dancing along to ‘This is me’ whilst the emmerdale cast were having a group picture.

Cel Spellman was chosen as the host to replace Vince Miller (Danny’s dad). He had incredibly big shoes to fill but is clearly a natural born entertainer so took the challenge and ran with it. We were treated to a video tape introducing us to Cel being the host and also Danny and Dan, Danny being called ‘Darren Miller the ex emmerdale actor’, a move which was found hilarious in the room.

It was then time to see them on the stage! Looking very dapper and matching in their three piece suits, that would not be out of place on a models catwalk. They thanked Vince for all his hard work over the years and there was a lovely Dad/Son moment with Danny and Vince.

Once upon a smile had previously teased some amazing acts during the night. We certainly had them with the likes of Union J, and Calum Scott. But Danny would certainly have a soft spot for the first entertainer of the night which was Honey G! Everyone in the room was singing back to her. A great party starter. She also had a dance troop in front of her who were fantastic.

Learning how much the charity does to help others never fails to amaze me and this was no different. Hearing about the terrible events of the Manchester bombing and its affects on one family didn’t leave a dry house in the entire ball room. Just one of the many reasons why OUAS is needed up and down the country.

Whilst dinner was being served we were treated to an angel voice from Isobel Steele, singing original songs as well as some covers, with a very proud brother looking on!

Another girl who was helped by the charity, named Amelia, was then welcomed onto the stage where she sang “Dancing on my own’ a cover of Calum Scott’s version. And who should pop up behind her half way through the song but Calum himself. A wonderfully emotional moment for her and everyone watching.

An auction was a point in the night where an incredible sum was raised, the most they have ever raised at the ball with this kind of auction. Some of the prizes included an emmerdale village tour, including mill, which went for £3000! I’ll be interested to see exactly what the total of everything was. Whilst the auction happened, both Danny and Daniel had walked past the table checking we were all good, a lovely moment from the most lovely men.

By this point we had finished our drinks so we needed a refill, a bar was required! Whilst there were bumped into Adam Thomas who assured us he had his plans for the future and we congratulated him on the impending arrival of his daughter as well as his son being the cutest bean.

The dance floor was calling me all night and after we had finished dinner it was time to throw some shapes. Union J were the band that closed the night, some very upbeat songs perfect for dancing too.

Now I get to meeting the delight that is Ryan Hawley. I literally can’t comprehend why he doesn’t see how loved he is. We congratulated him on his British Soap Awards nomination and he just didn’t understand how he deserved it, if I didn’t love him enough already, that just made me love him more. And on the way back from the ladies (the drink has to go somewhere! 😂) we bumped into Danny, one of the main men. He was super kind and we said thank you for a wonderful night. We got pictures and went on our way back to the dance floor for the final part.

I realised this post is very long but there was just so much that happened. Truly was the most fantastic night. If you get the chance to go, do it’s for a wonderful cause and it’s a wonderful night!

[dahmer]

oh pi! at es. ples. ples.

Oh! just, subtle, and mighty opium! that to the hearts of poor and rich alike, for the wounds that will never heal, and for 'the pangs that tempt the spirit to rebel,' bringest an assuaging balm; eloquent opium! that with thy potent rhetoric stealest away the purposes of wrath; and to the guilty man, for one night givest back the hopes of his youth, and hands washed pure of blood.... qtd // thomas de Quincey // Confessions of an English Opium Eater

here’s a man, once ill-tempered of turks and trendsetting vices, speaking to the grand stage of the world fashioned in this season’s epide-mock. a warm, fuzzy coatish wear nestled in the covers. small american towns know these styles too well to count body bags, along cotton pads and china scabs, among mother’s basements and luxury high risers graduating all from the fancy-feels certificate of blues. those roxy pebbles, how they start us so--an endless invitation to long summer warmth that childhood bathtubs and lawn-mower sundays would once bring.

when did the foil side decision set in. was there truly a technique to not waste the evaporated smoke, or just somedaze endless-ego-talk of the mighty soldiers in the opium army of guilt. shame, yes sir! solute to toot, scrap the straw edges as the hours pass waiting for the guy with the goods. were you in california when fent came along, past the liquid patch of time-released days. the recents 16s, 17s, two thousands eighteens. labs grade, synthesizing variations to parade as china. “east coast man, east coast shit. it’s the best ever. no, nah nah bro, i got you. bud took one point, was on his ass for hours. nod on fire.”

did chemists know the china rhetoric will turn fent-for-all. markets of east coast fantasies, oblivious to west coast privileges. of potency. of people. of starry nights in smashing pumpkin music video dreams, riding through hollywood as a secret member of the powder variety. it’s a plague paraded as a epidemic because that word has no world of meaning to the good folk playing their igno-rent; recycling stigmas of junky choice rattling thrillists. despite the proof inside the bottles. the truth in every bottle. in every cabinet. of every person. with every doctor. who ever felt. the normalcy sensation of one of the most blanked words: pain.

pain is surely what that just, subtle, and mighty opium! creates in the hearts of the poor and rich alike. the rich die often in the experimentation state of emergency someone labeled as ‘the opioid problem’--problem? oh lily, you know as much as your wilted leaves and neighboring trees the silly stamp we slap when using ‘problem’ to critically deconstruct something magnificently complex.this ‘problem’ has destroyed empires for centuries. it’s notorious and makes no attempt to conceal its power in narrative recollections of the living  authors that have spoke the truths of humanity across language, land, and lives. yet big pharma pulled off opana and roxicodone in the last 20 years. if there’s any declaration of the fools ruling the castle in modern times, this must be the great exemplary act. the profit of pain, oh yawn. i’m sure the academic discourse that has capture this best is brilliant it construction and nature, but what difference does it make in an opiated masses?

i’ve not canceled my subscriptions to the periodical dual tragedies of the early 21st century, as they remain unchanged and unchallenged: (1) a sheer lack of empathy in the common man; (2) the curious and devastating complacency and lack of outrage to what seems to unfold before our eyes, rapidly and carelessly so now that it’s almost as if those navigating the unseen lines of powers that be mock us, appropriately so. if we’re no opiated, we’re not outrage or active either. generalization? yes. but for those who fall outside of this, fight causes that continually reveal themselves as premeditated chess pieces in the political playing field that has seep into dominating the social sphere that delivers use a constantly-running facet of media and targeted, privatized ads.

i am an addict.

i can clean. M knows. some family knows. the weight that has been lifted is ineffably enduring. i’m frustrated, naturally, at the golden years missed. the creativity, the goodness of my heart, kindness of soul, charity, intellectual ability, sincerity, and passionate interests. how they dulled and disappeared. the weight of their reappearance should be the least of my worries, and for now have been. i’m only a week into my methadone treatment program. but my partner knows now. and that was the missing link, that was needed for so long. he left. i stay in the apartment alone. had the worst week. four days into starting treatment, i get arrested on a fix-it ticket that never was completely closed in a difference country because the DMV didn’t inform the courthouse I’ve squared everything away. I was given a new court date to bring this documentation in myself after final payments were made and the matter seemed settled. but the letter was sent to my old apartment, so i was completely unaware a warrant in los angeles was issued. a few short blocks away from my new apartment in newport beach, where M returned for the first time since walking in on me and learning of the addiction that exposure so much (that was the most bittersweet, hard, important, thankful, and devastating night of my life--but revitalizing. I never realize how much everything rested on just M being told or finding out.). I’m almost home, about to see it, sirens go on. get pulled over. second car arrives. i’m in cuffs. call my works, and text M to say I wouldn’t be coming home to give him space.

at this point, i was told i would be transferred to LA that night, and see a judge in the morning. have everything taken care of. but orange county SA jail is notorious for lies and abuse. there was no intentions of this, and i went from holding cell to orange jumpsuit soon enough. smart this time, i disclosed my sexuality. was given a special block, with an actual two-person jail cell. like the movies. my cell mate was great. jason ciega. curious sexuality. talked heavily about girlfriends, but made subtle jokes that went: “when you’re expecting pussy, but life gives ya dick... but hey, there’s nothing wrong with that too.” He vaguely mentioned his sexuality was “whatever”--I respected and explained why I identify as queer. i have some hidden white china fent mix left i snuck in, even after the cavity search. I stressed needing the bathroom for diarrhea, in fear of the 4-6 gram rocks being found. they kept stressing if i had drugs, it would be another charge. but with my profession work title, they didn’t really consider that with me. i hated that i had to use again so early in treatment, but this avoided the sickness. and made me sleep through the day and a half before M bailed me out. when i got celled up with jason, he shared his rations he bought, like cookies and stuff. i shared my china, in very small doses. he still O.D.’d. turned blue and purple, unconscious, eyes behind head. he took off his shirt after sniffing the first baby bit. i snorted probably 30x what he did, and barely felt something, tolerance. his speck had him worried after 5 mins. “I don’t feel it”

I tell him it wait another 5-10 mins at least. he starts ripping up my mattress and sheet to make a pillow and bedsheet. at first i’m scared this would cause the jail keeper to punish or abuse me. i saw it happened. beds are supposed to be returned in the form they were given. but the special blocks for “protective custody” and queers were treated with more respect, out of fear I assume. The regular jail area is a massive shared space with dozens of rows of beds, and people organized and grouped by race and gangs that you must join right away. I was glad I didn’t have to endure that. I did briefly at 19 for an alcohol in public ticket. only spent 4-6 hours in actual jail-orange-suits area after 10-15 hours of hold cells then. realized how racially divided even jails were. but this experience was more pleasant, given the circumstances. before jason began nodding out, he was fun and talkative in an enjoyable well. he revealed a great chest and body--small frame, but bulky build with tattoos. an insecure boy turn nice guy that acts like one of the guys. referenced odd jokes that seemed code for him being a bottom, and wanting sexual companionship if we ended up bunking for awhile. mutual only, of course. i laughed these attempts off. jason was lonely, and i wasn’t there for inmate sex. i’m in love with M, and still spent every moment worrying and texting about him, and what i’ve done to him. how little he knows about this addiction, how much his family might enable him to think narrowly or ignorantly about the realities of this as a disease.

M abandoned me the day I began treated, 2 mornings after he caught me and everything in our lives froze. we sat on the bed that night, side by side, for hours. him crying in his hands mostly, for hours. me frozen in a wave of emotions. i was a fault. i was honest and told him everything. this was the only thing i kept from him, and told him why. the shame, the guilt. the fear. losing him. rejection of me, disposal of my efforts and love from him and his family. he said we needed time apart. i begged him to be there for me, no matter what the outcome was of our relationship, at least in the beginning. knowing this is the most crucial time to have a support system. he expressed things like believing I’ve just been high this whole time, and asked questions that extracted as much shame and guilt as possible. he had every right to. it’s all i’ve see him and his twin ever do. to the point of their older brother needing serious psychological helping, crying out literally shouting how suicidal he is, but they fail to understand how mental health works, how humor and jokes are masks that should be taken seriously. M was hurt most that I lied. I did lie. Not directly, but did lie at times when he asked why i was in the bathroom for so long. It was unspoken, so it didn’t feel like lying. More like protecting, but it was lying. And I will forever be in the wrong.

Going to jail may have ruined any chance of him coming back. And I can’t stand that thought. He doesn’t know what I’ve been going through. How long it took to be honest about my addiction, what steps I took to try to get clean on my own, the lies you convince yourself off--that you can do it alone, that it’ll work out, that you’ll run out of money so you’ll have to stop. My only other treatment attempt told me I must tell M. He’s the closest to me that I love and trust, who is a good influence, not a user, and could be my support system that sees me through this, and can monitor me during the first 3-7 days that are most crucial. M mentioned how he could have come home to find me dead. O.D. we watched docs and podcasts on the epidemic, but they don’t go into how hard this experience is. How withdrawal is considered one of the hardest things a human can possible do in life, and takes incredible amounts of courage, strength, and dedication that M will probably never even experience in his life. The reports just assume people know this stuff. And under-represent who is most likely to O.D. I’ve never come close. I haven’t been high in, years. I used to stay normal. M, and others like him--those who don’t know--don’t understand that. I was never chasing the dragon. I hate the addiction, quickly. I was too smart for it. Too focused and dedicated to have this problem.

But I did, and unless I dose a certain amount, I couldn’t function. Bedridden in the worst sickness imaginable. To those who’ve experience withdrawal, it’s not just the constant, non-stop, extreme physical sickness. It’s the relentless psychological sickness. Torture. That doesn’t even given you a 30 second break. Hearing that your sick for 3-5 days might sound easy because we call it “getting sick” or “dope sick”--but it’s a far worse experience that can even be fatal for some. My finances and lack of wanting to be doped out, nodding and unproductive all day luckily allowed my addiction to plateau at taking a certain amount to stay well, and doing that everyday for over a year. Til I was caught. It would slightly increase, but fluctuate, based on product, potency, and source going around. I never shot. Only snorted, that was my ritual. And when I was stupid, I would smoke. It was a waste, that burned through product much faster. Which meant more money and time dedicated to staying well. The consistent tolerance and dosing makes my chances of O.D’ing incredibly low. If M knew me as an addiction, which he couldn’t--I never disclosed--he’d know this was hell. Torture. Something I spent endless nights up all night wishing, hoping, begging for change. 

The fright came from the Friday I got into a detox treatment program. I told him two nights before I needed him for supported. He made a sly remark about “what, you’re going to force me to stay around or you’ll OD and die if I don’t”--but it was among other things, so it was unclear what would happened. And days past, with little words exchanged, but M stayed around. When he returned from work, I was in bed and he has if I stayed treatment. I said yes, but didn’t explain or speak confidently out of fear of him not knowing what these treatments were, how much research I’ve done, how I picked this on purpose with a goal to get off treatment drugs soon too and never be dependent on a substance. He didn’t ask much questions. He shortly said it’s good, then revealed he’s packing up and staying at this parents for the weekend. I froze in silence. He packed and said some of the same narrowed perspective claims from the other night--how my sibling and her spouse are there to help me. M thinks because they’ve both been in AA, and one is an ex-heroin addict in healthy, long-term recovery that they can just drop their full time college, 3 jobs, and toddler to take care of me. They’re wonderful support systems, but the detox clinic described who needs to be around the first 3 days for my outpatient detox, and it perfectly defined M. 

But I must respect M’s decisions, feelings, angry, and pain. He has his own healing to do. All I said was that I need support more now than ever, so please don’t forget me. This was in response to him saying I could always call him if I needed something--which was worded in a way that read like ‘call in emergencies, but I’m out.’ So I went through it alone, all 3 days. In bed. I called a friend for xanax, even though you have to be very very careful taking both. I was, and needed to sleep if no one would be there to check on me. At this time, I thought either M felt his hurt and pain outweighed what I was going through, and that’s understandable regardless of my experience actually being a life-threatening disorder. What I wish he knew was that most people who O.D.--the ones on the news all the time. It’s most from relapse. Stopping, detoxing, getting clean. Then a trigger happens, or hope gives up, opportunity comes, or you feel alone and no one cares. Whatever the reason, you return to the drug and take a similar dose, or even smaller dose, than what you were doing before. But your tolerance fades as quickly as it builds, and is different for everything. So most O.D. deaths are simply from people relapsing and taking too much without knowing where their new tolerance stands. Any temptation or relapse could be my last breathe.

I still live in that fear, but I’m motivated and happy to finally get clean. It’s all I wanted, I just couldn’t do it alone. And knew this. The summer realized it most. I spent the summer trying to find the right time and opportunity to tell M. He has no idea how many plans and times and moments I wanted to. Even my trip to NYC. I wanted t come back clean so bad. It doesn’t work that way, You need those in your life who support and love you to help. That’s what a relationship is. It’s like if I was diagnosed with cancer. But social misconception and outdated conception allows this opposite, toxic reaction. Where now I exist in this constant mental cycle that centers on figuring out what to do for M. It would hurt my sister, so that would be my biggest regret, but I think M wants a gift from me more than anything; however, knowing him well, he’d never ask. If I just gave it to him, he’d be free. No more doubts or embarrassments or beating himself up about not knowing or what others would think. No more hating and shaming me. He wouldn’t ever have to deal with it, which is what I realize he wants in life. Where we disagree. I can’t play video games and ignore maintaining healthy efforts all day. He’s made great improvements, but blind to others that allowed him to say hurtful things like without even consciousness of it, but would be shocked and hurt if someone said the same back to him. This created a state where if anything that required him to get up from playing video games in his ‘free time’ (non work hours) is a drag that he resents or avoids at all costs. It cost the friendships built between my closest friends, who love him and he claimed to love them. This constant thread was something I battled with most. I would count the weekends I would spend doing whatever he wanted--hanging with siblings, friends, work functions, friends parties. 11 weekends go by, then one movie night with my friends and he wouldn’t even pretend to want to go. It hurt, but I learned other people’s needs are an annoyance or deterrent to his rightful ability to be glued to the computer. I know this was a big factor in never bringing up my addiction. Already he hated any serious conversations, even if I tried to make them positive about reaching goals. Even mentioning one would cause eye rolls and audible disgusts, vocalizing how he just doesn’t like them or “aren’t good at them”--which never made sense to me. I understand he didn’t like to have conversations that implied he’s less than perfect or right, but it creates this wall around you where no one will ever be able to grow or talk or really improvement your or our lives together. I didn’t think much of it. But now that I’m learning my triggers, I’m not blaming M. It will always be me. But I regret starting to pick up his habits in attempts to try and connect more with him, and be closer. I started playing video games more and more, and all my interests disappeared. There was never a time I played video games that didn’t require going to the bathroom and dosing. I couldn’t live that life. But I wanted to build a life with M. When he stopped talking an interests in sharing my activities, I doubled down with his. But things that felt non-productive and antisocial to me became triggers.

There are other issues that caused distance and perhaps his lack of interest or investment in my friends and desires. One, my addiction. Where my interests began to dull. A terrible cycle that grows like a fungus, and can stem from one activity to get closer, but affect another. Also, I gained a considerable amount of weight. This was before my addiction started, but at a time that M became less physical. Then associated it with my weight gain. This was always curious. All compliments, words of encouragement, positive reinforcement, or sexual intimacy ceased, yet I was expected to work harder on health. I should have, but I never went a period of my sexual life where exercise and health were part of my routine because it continued my ability to have a sexual life. In a serious relationship, taking this element away makes it hard to understand how or if anything would restore such intimacy sense there’s no expression, communication, or honesty from M. Just gestures and small hints. He experienced some weight gained, and when he finally got a job after college--after 8 months of playing video games all day as I worked 2-3 jobs 6 days a week plus went to the gym, cleaned the house, and made dinner most nights for him and our roommate--he took up the gym and has done a great job focusing on getting in shape. I expressed this once, and it was something that was some important and meaningful because it consumed by consciousness, but I still wonder a year later if he understood or truly took to heart pointing out that when he got a full time, professional job and began working out after work, he came home daily needing positive reinforcement, acknowledgement, and encouragement about his gym efforts. Even in the early stages when not much can be seen.

I expressed that before grad school, when I really gained the weight from the stress and demands, I too signed up for the gym after my first, full time professional job after college. On top of this, I continued working on Sundays at a restaurant doing back-breaking labor I underplayed because tips were good. My one day off--Saturdays--I spent putting our first apartment together, shopping, planning, going to every family event or friend invite he extended, while keeping up with cooking and cleaning. During this time, M never acknowledged my gym efforts, progress, or work. I think once he complimented me in a tank, but apart from that, I believe he saw that this was just my role. Expected and easy, like it was nothing to essentially try my best to be the best version of myself, be the best boyfriend I could be, build a relationship together, and not ask for anything in return. This felt like my nature, so I didn’t think much of it at the time.

It wasn’t until I started grad school, and he began what I had already gone through: entry level at first professional job. I don’t know why I’m writing about it now, but it hurt he was doing it in a way that made it seem I had no idea what this was like because of my current shape, and my support was expected, not appreciated. M has never been too expressive, but any acknowledgement or encouragement while attending Gold’s gym after work each day in DTLB would have done so much for my self-esteem, our intimacy, his care and support, or just mutual respect I guess when the tables turned later. I still continue to compliment and support. But the thought is always there. What is it about me and what I do, the effort I put in, that seems just expected. Demanded. Not a privilege or sign of care, affection, and love. But “do your damn job”--but then anyone who does the same or a fraction of the same things has the right to guilt or shame me in not being supportive or caring enough. Why do I just exist to replace the role of M’s parents, perhaps, but my efforts aren’t even acknowledged to the same degree in how M views what his parents do. 

The shortcomings are what he’s most expressive about. Like I have a savings account like him, and just not paying  for things I literally cannot. I didn’t have my parents pay for college, a car, half my rent, bills, and little things in life M takes for granted. I pay for everything. And even having one or two things taken care of by parents allow young adults to live remarkably more comfortable lives that they’re blind to. They don’t understand the luxury of saving every paycheck because their parents pay for everything else. Or maybe it’s me, and my fault for having interests, and occasionally spending money on exploring interests to acculturate my life. Understanding myself, people, and culture better. Be a strong global citizen,

I don’t know. A lot of these claims are unfair to M. He avoids serious conversations, but most of this has come up. It’s just been treated with silence. When he caught my addiction last week, he kept repeating how hurt he was that I lied about it. He’s right, but I couldn’t shake the feeling... when would I ever been able to tell you and you wouldn’t act this way? Was there a time limit when you would have been supportive? Where you would have stayed and ensured I didn’t die during the most crucial period? Would there ever been a time that you didn’t just dismiss it as all my fault, so shame and guilt are the only things I’ll get from him while I need to seek treatment options on my own. That’s not how treatment works. In everything I’ve read, it says the same thing. This is a family problem. You need support. Loved ones. Care. Compassionate. Understanding. If these were never things that would have been offered, why is the main drive of pain from me lying? I did lie, so that’s valid. But it hurts because I don’t know how he truly feels, and sometimes it just goes through my head that this is the reason he’s been waiting for. I haven’t lied or cheated or hid other things. I’ve talked to other guys online, but came clean when caught. And that did hurt trust between us. But I never lied or hid something when we talked about it.

I write all of this because last night he texted me asking to meeting up this weekend to talk. I get excited because it means, after a week, maybe he wants to just sit and ask questions or express anger or frustrations or what’s on his mind. I send him my availability all weekend, with details. He takes hours to respond, but around 2am he says he’s free Saturday and Sunday. This is Friday night, and I see he’s at someone’s house--probably a party--that I didn’t know of. So maybe he’s drunk, but oddly he responded to my availability with just saying he’s free Sat and Sun--not setting a day or time to meet and talk. I don’t respond. It’s late and he says he’s out with friends since I mentioned I was even free that night back when I responded at 9pm when he first asked if I was free to meet and talk this weekend.

Today the morning goes by and I don’t hear from him, but he sent the last text. S at Noon I ask: “do you want me to pick a date and time then?” No answer.

A couple hours later I tell him I’m going to the gym later, and an NA meeting the next day (Sunday) if he wants to join me at either of those for an alternative meet up option--hopefully implying if he doesn’t want to just chat face-to-face, we can do something healthy that shows him I’m working hard in recovery. No response.

Both texts show read receipts. He read that right away, and Find My Friends shows he’s still just at his parents house. Been there all day, but ignoring my texts. Perhaps he was drunk when he texted me Friday night saying he wanted to meet up. I ran with it too quickly then because I miss him like crazy, worry about it, and just think about him and this situation constantly. Plus he bailed me out of jail for $5K of his own money this week on top of all of this, and that’s the last I saw him. 

As the day progresses, it starts to dawn on me. Most of his stuff is still at our apartment. We still live here in how it’s set up, and how he’s briefly used it this week. But he’s mostly stayed at his parents, which is understandable since he needs time to figure out how to make sense of this or what to think... which is how I believe he worded it when he left the day I started detox. I think he said “because he feels conflicted.”

But if his stuff is still here, and he knows my schedule, and I know his, he knows we’re both mostly free Saturdays and Sundays. So he could come home either day and sit down to talk when he sees I’m home, Granted, he hasn’t asked about how recovery or detox is going, or shown interest in caring about how I’m doing. He’s not there, and clearly I’m in a state where I agree in the sense that I worry about him most. He doesn’t express his feelings, and this is not something he can just avoid or pretend to go away. He needs to face it. But then I realize what “we need to meet up and talk” means in a relationship after a major issue happens, and one person moves out for a week, leaving the status open-ended, stating we need time apart, and then gets stuck paying $5k while trying to distance (on top of all the money I own him for rent and impound fees last summer). This talk usually means one thing, and I start to panic. Even more so because he’s dodging my texts to follow up about setting a meeting time and date. If M had the liquid courage to ask, but not is faced with following through sober, it would be like him to just ignore me. And he’s definitely ignoring me. Maybe because he just wants me to suffer or leave him alone. But my fear and anxiety has skyrocketed since last night. I’m consumed in fear with the idea that he’s wanting to meet up to end our relationship. I would understand why, but I realize, despite everything, I really really am in love with Michael. My addiction made me not a great boyfriend to look at or be around I’m sure, but I’m confident the person I’m returning to now that I’m free and in recovery is someone that he would benefit from growing with. Many also have expressed they think  this process will help M in the long run too, as things became static and this may needed to happen to reevaluate things and take us to the new heights we wanted and deserve.

M would have a hard time standing up for himself and dumping me, so when I was asking him if I should set the date and time, I starting thinking.. am I actually having to plan getting dumped for him? That’s not fair. This is the most emotional fragile state I’ve ever been in, and although he has every right to make that decision, and reasons to back it up, and not care about actually exercising real support that couples give each other, that’s fine. I would have to just respect the decision. I fucked up. And I knew who M was before we started dating. I just always think.. is he going to find someone else who doesn’t care about wanting basic needs and emotions and thoughts exchanged, shared, and supporting in a relationship? Abandon me, but that wouldn’t make these issues go away. Anyways, no one around him can offer me insight to his state of mind. So I fear the most devastating and hurtful decision and experience of my life is around the corner. Maybe even tomorrow. And despite our lease tomorrow until April, and the life we built together, M may just walk away from it all. Claiming he can’t trust me anymore as the main reason. And that trust is solely from hiding my addiction. Something I see now, given his reaction, why I did. 

Jonathon Van Ness, in a recent podcast “Getting Curious” with an addiction specialist at UCLA discusses shame in addiction, and defines it as this idea where “if you knew this one thing about me, you wouldn’t love me anymore.” This definition makes a lot of sense, as to why I could never tell M. If he knew, I would lose his love. And his love was holding me together, and giving me hope that someday I can fix this, overcome this, get help, get better, get fit, be the best version of myself again and beyond.

But now I just wait by my phone, wondering if I should send a 3rd text. The last one was around 3pm, when my day was freeing up for the rest of the weekend. So he could have arranged to meet at any time. Maybe inviting him to the gym or a meeting was too off-putting--like i WANTED that or something. But I just want to give options since just asking for a basic plan yielded no results. I don’t know if I should leave him alone. If he needs more time. If I push, I push him farther away. Or if ignoring makes me feel insecure and think I don’t care or think about him. That I just think about using again or getting clean, and he’s not longer important. This is farthest from the truth. All I want is to not fall asleep alone in bed anymore. I want M back by my side, cuddling me and us to sleep. But even then, I fear or believe that M doesn’t feel he can do that and feel safe or comfortable anymore, even though I think he wants this again too. But the trust that’s missing is something that will come in time. Through my actions. Through my recovery. And if only he were here to hold me, he would understand that my recovery means everything. Not for him, for me. But I am his, so a better me is a better him. I just want him to know he’s loved and cared for. I don’t want him to feel alone, upset, and sad. I want him to ask questions, even yell, shame, guilt. Do what he needs to do. Isolating himself alone in his room at his parents house is not going to help him heal, with or without me.

And for some reason, as I heal, I need to know who I affected most is healing. Because the truth is: I can’t stop thinking about killing myself since this happened. Not because I want to, but because I think it’s the one thing that would end his healing process, and make his life better. Even if it meant I would lose mine. So be it.

[wreckthelist]

on ‘BE’ing here: part i

rambling of sorts on Grammy nominated artist Bangtan Sonyeondan

(note 1: I was planning to complete this the day of the nomination, but judging from the state of how things are - this right here is the opportune moment to, as my friend Mint had put it, clear out whatever I’ve been wanting to do but didn’t get the time to)

When Spotify announced, loud and clear, on that 2020 Year-End summary instagram story, Dynamite was the song that helped me through 2020 (this fuck-up of a year), that wasn’t an understatement.

I’ve seen Bangtan before, heard of them in passing, even (slightly, really slightly - when you’re hanging out in film-dom or western doms, I doubt you’d come in contact with a full-fledged Korean dom as it is, or perhaps my circles were small and quite closed in on themselves. Regardless!) - and opened that Boy With Luv SNL performance for my parents on the TV in the living room, not long after they went on the show. But it took that one song, one full English song, for me to listen.

(sorry and thank you Namjoon for that diss. Yes, the song’s message’s definitely digestible and easy to consume - for foreign, western audiences. No one much had to care what you guys had to say way back when and they were wrong for it.)

Dynamite pretty much saved my life. (Still waiting for that damn vinyl, BigHit. Think I’ll get it come new year’s.) 

The first time I started listening, I couldn’t really stop. I think I played and replayed and replayed the song 20++ times as I did mundane household chores which were asked of me in the morning. Sunday August 24th, my life was transformed (and my digital and physical wallets along with it. Sobs.)

I had no idea who was singing which part, no idea which boy was which, but what got me in, locked and loaded and in place, were the beats, the uplifting sounds that got me dancing again after a messy heartbreak caused by a personification of immaturity who had refused to let go. I was only one week into my new job (old job again now. Such is the way of life - and we lead separate ones now, no reason to cry over invisible lives and imagined smiles or smirks of satisfactions I am not in any current position privy to - or will ever be. Thank God.) 

Then there were the messages - the lyrics - “I’m diamond, you know I glow up.” - I mean, Yes, Fucking YES - Kim Seokjin, of course I’m a piece of precious Jewel. Of course I am one and whole of myself and one of a kind (apologies for being cliches, felt good to type out loud right). Asked on Twitter who the “other black-haired” guy was and learned that it was Hobi. Spent time watching a couple of interviews, took 3 hours to tell the boys apart (”You had a lot of free time,” Shareef said, amused, and I quite abashedly admitted to him yes.), and picked him as my bias (little did I know).

I was attracted (still am) to sunshine. I needed smiles and laughters like his in my life. He stood out to me in almost every interview, beaming with his heart-shaped lips and his eternal catchphrase - “I’m your hope.” I was exactly at that point in my life when I needed to hear that. From him, in that voice, from those lips, with those eyes.

And I thought, dear god. I’m always attracted to guys who bring smiles to my face. Of course it has to be him.

(Natalie replied “You’ve joined the party!” in a reply to my screencap of Taehyung wearing those adorable black-rimmed glasses on Stephen Colbert not long after. 

That Beatles-Boy With Luv performance remains one of my favorites.)

Bangtan has since performed and performed and performed Dynamite, and to this day I and the rest of the fandom have witnessed and seen about 30++ performances of Dynamite, and it has yet to grow old on us. (Well.) I swear I can still play the song at least once a day, and that irresistible bubble of hope in Jungkook’s voice in the opening simply shines through. The rest of the song just does its magic - every single time.

I mean, “Life is sweet as honey,” “I’m in the stars tonight,”? Talk about hope, about confidence, looking forward. Straight and simple as that. I had yet to discover what BTS truly has in store.

Note 2: My favorite dance move in the performance itself is Hoseok’s, for the Japanese taping (FNS Music Festival) right here. 

After Dynamite, I burned through the usual favorites, seeing as there was a literal treasure trove of Bangtan songs to discover and listen to, thanks also to this chart.

Go Go and Pied Piper are fun teases to listen to every now and then. Their Halloween dance practice and MNet countdown (I could die over Tae’s clear-rimmed glasses) are bundles of colorful energy. (Until I came across Lotte 2018 Jungkook?! Adding Best of Me here because it’s become a recent favorite. Dance moves are impeccable. There was a stint in my life where I was watching the Airplane Pt. 2 MV almost every day because of how in love I was over Taehyung’s whole look - pink hair, flowing robes, and how the boys pull off their outfits. )

I proceeded mainly through the orange branch, bought myself a few Love Yourself albums along the way, and the day I saw this Min Yoongi in In the Soop, my Bangtan life took a turn.

Yep. Simplicity.

What’s not to fall in love with?

One of my current, low-ranking regrets may include having forgotten the exact moment I first listened to Trivia: 轉 Seesaw, but I fell hard and deep. To that point of no return when I read the lyrics and that analogy Yoongi had penned.

I mean, add Autumn Leaves (the complexity of layered notes, beats, and resulting emotions... ah) and you’ve got this king of breakup songs right here.

What beautiful words, what gorgeous language. I wish I could learn Korean just to fully appreciate the message.

Another friend recommended me Butterfly and I lost my shit realizing they referenced Murakami.

More obscure songs like 134340, Paradise and Sea I didn’t get to till much later. Whalien 52 could make me cry just with the lyrics alone (I doubt my exes had ever felt that level of emotional toward me - the more tragic thing is that the doubt would always exist). Just One Day was that track I had on loop this one afternoon I had to go into town for a dinner party, and Miss Right was an accidental discovery that had me grinning and blushing to the boys’ voices alone, same as 21st Century Girl (’Cause you’re my only girl, oh yea. If you love me, just say it straight. We love a confident but committed guy.) 

*Dope is that one MV I waited to watch because of my love of uniforms and managed to get to on a day I could not recall.

*This MIC Drop MAMA performance is the hottest clothes-on, turn on performance I’ve ever watched.

Coffee was the track I first listened to on a drive back from a rather unsuccessful and uneventful beach (bitch?!) trip, and the bitter nostalgia cut me deep. Jungkook’s voice could string up my soul any day of the week. Yes, baby, I still drink Caramel Macchiato every time I think of you - the song, not the person, or any person at all.

I discovered HOME because of this comfy Kimmel performance and died over the camaraderie and obvious ties they have as a family.

Plus a blue-themed home, uh, have you seen my bedroom, sir?

Boy With Luv will cheer me up any time of day - no thoughts but blue haired Tae and bubblegum pink haired #Jimim, indeed. (That mirroring of a glow-up from the 상 남자 of Boy In Luv is genius. Girl, ‘m not begging for you no more, but letting you know that I’m whole and ready and intent on keeping you safe.)

Spring Day I listened to on an off day in October and wrenched my own heart over the lyrics, even starting off a chapter in one of my fics with the verses that hit me most in particular.

The ON:E concert re-introduced me properly to Filter, My Time (sexy personified as a performance), Persona, Interlude: Shadow, Ego, UGH!, Moon (Prince Kim Seokjin - you have my heart, and my light, always), and 00:00 (picked up through Twitter that it was the song for personal therapy and reminded me of that quote - nothing good ever happens between midnight and 2am, go to sleep. Add 2!3!, which I’d properly listened to after viewing the ON:E exhibit, to this and we are done.) 

It wasn’t until I listened to Blood, Sweat, and Tears that I went full-blown head over heels (more than I was before). I’m a musical theater kid, have always been at heart, and those boys dancing in the suits and literature and arts references. You could have just plunged that knife a bit deeper into my heart.

Needless to say that I bought Demian couple of days after (my 3rd Herman Hesse! Regrettably not my favorite.) 

Blood, Sweat and Tears joins my own mini self-compilation of songs on the attraction and sublime relishing of a toxic relationship. That sweet temptation that’s so lush in theory yet acidic in real life.

You’re willing to give it all to this person, this passion, this love, this lure of attraction, imprisonment, and just lose yourself.

You’re begging to be hurt, even when you know it.

You’re asking to stay bathed in acid, drown yourself in punishment, and you’re okay. As long as the “you” in the lyrics is ok - to have you.

You’ve signed over your mind, your body and soul - “I know well they’re all yours” - what sinful admittance, what a delicious way to say you’re under the other’s spell. Not like I haven’t been there before (fitting to think of Jimin holding that apple. God.)

“Peaches and Cream/Sweeter than Sweet/Chocolate Cheeks and Chocolate Wings” - talk about dessert, about diabetic, diabolical sweetness that both indulge and burn your soul. These are saccharine metaphors and goddamn if I wasn’t and am all over them. 

Sweet as they are, they melt - they expire, they’re tangible but transient, and you’ve chosen to have them anyway, just to taste them, just to know, to satisfy your sense and just to possess.

“There is a ‘bitter’ next to your ‘sweet’“ - this is my kind of writing. My kind of getting your sweet now and being punished for it later, the kind my friend had commented before of living for today and choosing to forgo the punishments of tomorrow that you’re all too aware of.

And here comes Hoseok! 

Kiss me, it's okay if it hurts Just make it as tight As that I can't feel the pain anymore

Goddamn. That Blade Runner 2049 phrase about how pain makes you human - this is next level of hurting just so you could feel. This is hurting to know that it’s real - that the ‘you’ exists - and this “tightness”, this tense sensation, is only reminding you that the lover(?) is worth the pain (grit your teeth and continue!)

Baby, it's okay if I get drunk I'll drink you in deep now Deep into my throat The whiskey that is you

Intoxication - another one of my favorite topics sprouting a platitude of interpretations. Aside from being a sucker (and loving it myself) of saying “baby,” (signaling intimacy, no less) - this is an artful, eloquent way to sketch another version of “love is the/a drug,” which the lover/”you” is consciously consuming with consent.

There’s a repeat in the “d’s” that definitely conjures an imagery of diving deeper and deeper into a bottomless abyss, or of drinking your bottles dry - but this is a translation so that’s that.

But where we have been (or were) in love, we could feel the other person intoxicating, consuming us, consuming our senses, straying our conscience, blurring the lines among reality, reasoning and our own thoughts and what they may have driven us to think or view, just like alcohol or drugs would lead you to do. That inebriated state would be just a self-enriching cycle of docile submission and self-driven continuance.

It doesn't matter if it hurts Tie me up so I can't escape Hold me tight and shake me up So that I can't come to my senses

Like Jimin with the cloth over his eyes in the MV, this is another conscious decision to be held imprisoned, bounded, senses so disrupted you’re choosing to stay. I don’t know about you, but there’s an inkling of weakness in me when I’d chosen to do that, to opt for that choice and stay in something I was fully aware from experience wasn’t going to last (’can’t come to my senses’) but choosing to blind myself to indulge in the fleeting sweetness anyway.

When you’re making that firm and persistent decision to beg for pain and consciously choosing to numb your senses so you could feel nothing else but what you may have thought you desire to feel - you’ve got it bad, baby. That absinth’s hit you hard.

(And we love it.)

Kiss me on the lips A secret just between the two of us Deeply poisoned by the jail of you I cannot worship anyone but you and I knew The grail was poisoned but I drank it anyway 

Yoongi’s “Kiss me”, like his “불타오르네” (and obviously “용서해줄게“)  in Fire may as well linger in my ears as my personal on-demand whisper sounds. His voice is that sexy as fuck ASMR I never knew I needed (and queue Ben Whishaw’s...) 

Here we see “poisoned” harking back to intoxication, and “jail of you,” calling back to the whole verse I’d interpreted above before. What interested me here was the couplet - “Kiss me on the lips/a secret just between the two of us” - kissing as an act of sealing a deal or secret reminds me of age old love songs, of promises made between lovers before they part. Not to mention, this is that sexy, 섹시한  way of “sealing the deal” you may have heard about. 

“I cannot worship anyone but you...” holds the lover up high, almost godlike, maybe on a pedestal. It’s that everest, that peak point when you’re more than head over heels in love, when you’re able to see no one but this person. “Worship” is that word signaling holy, direct, and submissive devotion - just powerful. 

“...and I knew/The grail was poisoned but I drank it anyway” - again the voice of submission in line with above verses, submitting yourself to temptation, same as biting into that apple despite knowing consequences. “Grail” embodies the whole MV image of the classics.

Close my eyes with your caress I can't resist it anyway I can't even escape anymore

You are too sweet, too sweet Because you are too sweet

“Close my eyes” is the same as asking to be blinded (see above). Adding “with your caress” only enhances the intensity of the speaker’s desire, of the intimate and physical nature - you know full well what that person does to you, your heart, conscience, and senses with just one simple touch or the trace of a finger on your skin - especially someone as addicted to skinship as I am. The repetition “You are too sweet...”  brings us back full circle to Namjoon’s dessert verses, intoxication, indulgence, and submission.

What a delicious song. I fall in love every time I listen.

Second song in my trilogy is Love Maze - an intoxication of a different, lighter flavor yet still an an intoxication nevertheless.

Trapped in a maze of decisions Exhausted by all the different chaos We’ve wandered around, looking for the answer Lost in the maze, in the darkness

Jimin’s first verse traverses over the trials and tribulations of every day life - naturally we’re caught in decision-making from the moment we open our eyes (ah, sigh. my major. what the hell), and that, in extreme cases, can escalate to choice paralysis). Life is a mess, to say simply. At times you can feel (and you are) lost in some sort of maze which seems impossible to escape from. 

[Verse 2: Jungkook] We ran and ran endlessly But all the fake noise Can’t tear us apart It’s true baby [Refrain: Jimin, Jin] We must believe only in ourselves Can’t let go of each other’s hands We need to be together forever

And now this is just asking your partner to hold your hand throughout the darkness, holding hands while the walls come tumbling down type of way.

[Verse 3: RM] People say That I’ll end up a fool But I don’t wanna use my head I don’t wanna calculate Love ain’t a business Rather like a fitness I’ve never been in a calculating love I know it’ll be cold like winter But I still wanna try

Yup, sure. Love isn’t logical, and we feel it when we feel it. This is a more considered version of love or succumbing to temptation/infatuation, compared to Blood, Sweat, and Tears, see here:

If you push me, I’ll fall, just raise me up again Even if I pull, you don’t have to come

Upon a close look, this is the more confident, the more ‘out-there’ you - like a rocking doll, a full human ready to get back up on its own once fallen, not a blind follower or submissive slave. What I find particularly captivating is the bottom verse - “Even if I pull, you don’t have to come” - this is a show and declaration of independence at its finest. I’ll woo you, I’ll say I want you, and I’ll grab you toward me, but you “don’t have to” be with me, [if you don’t want to.] (Plays I’m Fine)

No matter what others say, don’t listen Just let’em talk, whatever they say The more they do, the more I’m sure

Honestly this reminded me of a past relationship, where figurative hand-holding was the emphasized union to help us make it through. Would have been half the fight if it was that aspect alone, though.

Baby just don’t give a damn

This is the sentence I sing to every single time I play this aloud. The sentence.

I always think, even if eternity is hard I wanna try it, let’s be forever

My ex once asked, “How long is forever?” just ripping off that sign in a mall we walked past, and yes, that’s what I do remember about us. Part of it. Since then, mentions of eternity like this has always hit me.

And forever doesn’t exist, guys. COVID does.

(Bad joke, sorry.) 

The song that completes the trilogy is one I discovered only last week. My last BTS x Steve Aoki crossover: Waste It On Me. 

Queue neon club lights and bad decision drinks. Kook being Kook, his voice in songs like these, House of Cards, and Savage Love slices you right through, like a young, impressionable boy asking you to give this love a try, to forget yourself in being attracted to him, and to waste the time you aware you’re willing to waste on him:

[Verse 1: Jungkook] You say love is messed up You say that it don't work But, you don't wanna try, no, no (You don't wanna try, no, no) And baby, I'm no stranger To heartbreak and the pain of Always being let go (Always being let go)

This verse, man. When your heart’s rusty and battered and beaten and broken enough, “Baby, I’m no stranger/to heartbreak and the pain of always being let go,” is that overwhelming elixir to slosh it altogether, like soaking your lone damn heart in warm bathwater, and with Jungkook’s inviting voice, you may have added your favorite flavor of Lush bathbomb.

[Pre-Chorus: Jungkook, RM & Jimin] And I know there's no making this right, this right (This right) And I know there's no changing your mind, your mind (Your mind) But we both found each other tonight, tonight (Oh yeah) So if love is nothing more than just a waste of your time

It’s that exact moment when it’s the night of your birthday, you’re all dressed up with only one place to go in a town where you knew a handful of people, and the guy at the bar had bought you a shot of mysterious substance to drink. So you’re here. So he’s here. And the drink’s here, between you two, and you’ve downed it in. And you’re here.

So why not?

‘Waste it on me’ is a sexy invitation in itself, that momentarily grasp for pleasure. Ok, yea. I’m all yours. 

Tonight.

[Verse 2: RM] So we don't gotta go there Past lovers and warfare It's just you and me now (Yeah, yeah) I don't know your secrets But I'll pick up the pieces Pull you close to me now (Yeah, yeah)

Namjoon’s voice has always been sexy to me. Masculine, dominating, in control, in the same way that Yoongi’s raspy, gravelly voice grabs you and stubbornly holds you close. 

Maybe this guy you’d just met in a club’s blabbering away to pierce who you may have been or who you’re presenting yourself to be just for you to be with him, and takes ahold of your waist before you could say no.

What do you say?

Yay, don't you think there must be a reason? Yeah, like we had our names Don't you think we got another season That come after spring? I wanna be your summer I wanna be your wave Treat me like a comma I'll take you to a new phrase Yeah, come just eat me and throw me away If I'm not your taste, babe, waste Waste it on me

I’m speechless over the “Treat me like a comma, I’ll take you to a new phrase,” wordplay. Most of all, it illustrated my past relationship in that all too on-the-nose way, for me and him both. English is sexy, man, please don’t ever say it isn’t.

“Yeah, come just eat me and throw me away/If I’m not your taste, babe.” I’m partial to babe as much as baby, let’s be real. Haha. The whole “come just eat me” paints that picture of the speaker being “consumed,” just devoured whole (echoing the earlier image of being “washed over” from “I wanna be your wave”) by the to-be-lover, without a care, a giving-himself-away submission reminiscent of Blood, Sweat, and Tears’ intoxication and blind bondage. The speaker here doesn’t even care if he’s not tailored to the ‘lover’s’ desire, ready to be discarded, treating himself here as disposable, even worse than Love Maze’s partnered hopefulness and teamwork or Blood, Sweat and Tears’ irresistible, spellbound attraction.

Aaand there you have it, my ramblings on Bangtan (as of now). There’s just so, so much - I’ve recently received my HYYH Pt.1 (RIMBAUD! SEXY CONVERSE!!! BOYZ with FUN!) and YNWA albums, not to mention my rap line songs, vocal line, In the Soop, Performance details, Run BTS (source of joy and laughter, more than any man has ever affected me), Premiums, and the whole “Love Yourself” concept + B.E. Itself.

I’ll be sure to pop back in very, very soon!

x

[skyl-xr]

Honestly, truly... I’m still thankful for you C. I’m still grateful that we gave it a shot because I know that my mind would always get caught up in the what if’s if we hadn’t. Loving you helped open up a lot of doors. You have always believed in me and have always encouraged me in all that I do. Except Tik Tok (lmao). I will never ever forget the way your voice raises a few ovtaves when you laugh and how contagious it was. Or the way that your hand fit in mine. The late nights and never early mornings. But I also won’t forget about your shortcomings. I knew going into this that you had issues... issues that were rooted far beyond my reach. Issues that made you hesitant to get into a relationship in the first place, out of the fear of hurting me. Nevertheless I convinced you to give it a shot anyways. After all, I am the baddest bitch in the game. If I couldn’t help you, change you, help you see how beautiful love can be, nobody ever will. That makes my soul ache for you since you are such a good person deep down. You’re just so scared to love, you hold people at arms length so that they never quite reach you. Even though we both agree that I’m different, it still wasn’t enough. How tragic...

I have truly always thought I was psychic. Like not in a huge way, but when I create soul bonds with people, it is almost like I have a telepathic connection with them and those that I love. It is this way with my best friends, past lovers, and all the smaller and temporary souls mates I have had in the past. So when I was studying on my balcony, content in the cool November air, and the thought of doubt popped into my head out of NOWHERE.... I knew to be scared. Literally I was completely zoned in studying and the thought “you and C are going to break up. This isn’t right for you” POPPED INTO MY HEAD OUT OF NOWHERE. Hindsight 2020, it was God throwing me a bone. The physical anxiety attack I had told me all I needed to know. My gut was picking up on something my brain was too afraid to face and my heart was too blissfully ignorant to acknowledge. Up until that moment at least. When I called you and you came to pick me up, you were shocked at my uncertainty and you reassured me that everything was fine. You said you were so sorry if there was anything you had done to make me feel this way. And truly, there wasn’t, except for your lack of communication. But that was normal. I didn’t need to text you all day every day to be happy. But after that conversation in the car, I really started to look at things introspectively - we weren’t anywhere near where we should be for a couple coming up on one year. As I slowly came to terms with my own feelings, I could feel you pulling away. I could sense the minimal things you did to distance yourself. I started to notice that our relationship had dwindled down to intamicy restricted to the bounds of sexual interaction and limited to non-existing vulnerability. I knew, in my heart, that we would never be more than best friends. It took me weeks to finally admit that to myself. Even though I had been feeling it, I hadn’t deduced it. So when I told you I needed to talk, I was terrified. Call it tuition, call it my self-proclaimed psychic abilities - I knew what was coming. As I vocalized my deepest fears to my closest friends, they all told me I was overreacting and over reading into things. They told me your obliviousness had been causing me pain and it just needed to be solved with the conversation. At first, I masked my pain by saying this, but as the days drew nearer to the dreaded conversation, I knew in my heart what would happen.

I told you I wanted to talk. We had to postpone it for 2 awkward and silence filled days. Fuck finals. Also fuck going for not waiting until mine were over. Then when the time finally came, I was ready. I told me roommates “hopefully I won’t be coming back tonight. Hopefully you won’t be seeing me until after Christmas,” ... but that wasn’t the case. So on Tuesday night at 4:45PM, with my car packed, I drove to 108 and I came to pick you up. I needed help putting air in my tires and the 20 min that took were filled with forced conversation and uncomfortability.

As we pulled up, you said “I know you’ve been wanting to talk to me, but I’ve been wanting to talk to you too... I’m not sure if it’s about the same thing, but”

I cut you off and said “well you go first”

After a slight hesitation, and cough, and a voice adjustment, you said “well... I’ve just been thinking lately, and I think I’ve felt this for a little while, but I think me and you work better as best friends.” Even though this is the last thing I wanted to hear come out of your mouth, I knew you were right. What a horrible feeling, to get validation about something you prayed wouldn’t be true...

I responded with “yeah that’s the exact conversation I wanted to have”

Neither of us could make eye contact with each other but out of the corner of my eye I saw the tears welling in your eyes. This was the first time I’ve ever seen you emotional. You said “you know this is so hard for me because... I care about you a lot, my sister looks up to you, and you’re apart of my friend group... but it’s just not fair for me to continue this for you in the long run. I know you have options and .... I just don’t want to be selfish when i can’t see this as something I could commit to during grad school.”

Truly, thank GOD this was something I had already addressed in my own mind. Thank God I had written my speech to you regarding this exact same conversation over a week prior. Thank for I practiced reciting it to all of my friends to get their opinions. Because in that moment, I knew exactly what I wanted and needed to say - “well yeah this is the exact conversation I wanted to have with you. Ya know it just feels like we’ve been best friends more than anything for a while. Like our relationship is just way too casual and it just doesn’t even make you feel like my boyfriend really. And you know we’ve been dating for 5 months today, and we’ve been together for over a year now, and so I’ve really been thinking about what our relationship should look like at this point and I just can’t be satisfied with where we are. And I wanted to talk to you about it to see if it WAS something that you could fix. Because I do care a lot about you and I wanted to make this work but if this is just the way you innately are, then I don’t want to be pursuing something that won’t pursue me in the end. Do you know anything about attachment styles?”

I had been wanting to mention the attachment styles thing for a long time. Even though you had no clue, I knew that was the root of all of your problems, all of our problems. Your scarred past left you emotionally unavailable and cautious about anyone who gives a damn about you. I knew that this was something I wanted you to be aware of, for your own success. Because even if we didn’t get our happy ending, I still want you to have one of you can. And until you address these issues, you will never ever get there. And you said said no, you didn’t know what I was talking about. So I said “okay well I have to take a lot of psychology classes so I know a lot about this stuff. Attachment styles basically go back to your childhood or whatever but it’s basically the way that you work in relationships. You should do research over it and it’s really interesting. Also I think it will be very useful for you to be aware of for your future relationships (proud for saything this.) But anyways, I knew going into this that you were dismissive avoidant. And I always tried to be very respectful of that and the way that I knew you approached things. Like for example, it kinda hurt my feelings when you went to winstar and didn’t say anything to me. But I looked at things objectively and had to understand that you know it didn’t have anything to do with me and it didn’t have any reflection on us, that was just the way that you were. And I wanted to give you space to come to terms with your emotions, because we DID have that conversation where you said you had dated a few people since (the bad one) but you had subconsciously distanced yourself and to the point where you never let yourself get emotionally attached. And I don’t want to be just another person that that happens to, so... obviously this isn’t the endgame I was hoping for but it seems as if we are on the same page and it is more mutual than anything else. We both know what needs to happen”

And he said “oh my god skyler (in a nice way) this literally has nothing to do with you... you gave me so much space to deal with my shit. You literally are the best, I just... and I wouldn’t even say it’s a question about attachment, because I’m definitely attached.

“I know, it’s okay” I said

I had been keeping my computer so well. I spoke with confidence and ease and my voice never waivered. My sunglasses shielded my eyes and helped the facade but I would never let you know that you hurt me. Saving face was my biggest concern. So the long silence that came next was very difficult. I noticed you were still tear. As my hand nervously clenched the gear shift, you grabbed my hand and we sat in a heart wrenching and still kind of quiet.

To keep myself from losing it, I said “well shit... are we still going to be friends”

You responded and said “well yeah I really hope so” with a confidence in your heart that makes me believe you.

“okay good”

then you gave me a hug, and held my head. You whispered “I’m so sorry” and I barely got out an “it’s okay”. “I’m really glad we gave this a shot I just..” and I said “oh yeah me too. It’s sad, but I wouldn’t take it back.” You said “please understand that if you need anything, I want you to tell me, you can always call me.”

And then you got out of the car and we talked about maybe getting lunch over the break. And that was that....

I waited until I got down the street to start crying. Waited until I passed bray and ave’s houses, I didn’t want anyone to see me. It felt like someone had stolen all of the air out of the room. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t see. I’m not sure how I made it home. But I did. As I walked back into my house, I tried to hold it together. My roommates faces dropped when they saw me and I choked the story up. I couldn’t talk to anyone for the rest of the night about it. I couldn’t say it. I went to Jules and I got so high I couldn’t feel a damn thing. But somehow the tears were still falling from my face. It was literally uncontrollable.

That night, you texted me. I knew you would. Again, my intuition has entered the chat. You said “Hey I just wanted to say I’m really sorry. I hate that I keep doing this to you...You really just deserve someone more committed. I hope we can still be friends because we truly are friends.” I saw the message and I just could not respond yet. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t respond. I typed it up and locked my phone. Then I would read it again, and lock my phone again. Again, again, again. Then about the 5th time and 2 hours since the OG text, either the telepathic connection was working or you saw my dots typing because about 30 seconds after I locked me phone you said “:(“ and I responded “It’s okay. I don’t regret it because now we won’t wonder what if. It’s sad but I think it was for the best... I’m definitely going to need to some to process everything and separate things... but I meant what I said. We are best friends more than anything else at this point. And I don’t want to lose that friendship”. You loved the message. I hoped you got the point and understood that I had no desire in speaking. I need time. That was 5 days ago and I still haven’t spoken to you so I think you got the message.

I hate that you are the way that you are. But like I said, I wouldn’t take it back. When we ended things for the breif few weeks in February, it never felt like it was over. It never felt like it was truly done because we would always wonder “what if.” But this is different. This kills me to say but it is. My walls are Down and I feel like I have the closure and clarity that I need to move on. Honestly this is the best breakup I’ve ever had because since I do have closure right off the bat, I’m hoping it won’t take as long to get over you. I love you connor, I really do. I just couldn’t be in love with you. That in itself breaks my heart. But I will survive because I have endured much worse. I know how to recover, I know my worth, and I know what I deserve will come to me one day when I am least expecting it. I am thankful for the things you taught me, the people you introduced me to, the fact that you lowkey turned me into a stoner, and for so so much more. I have a lot of love for you, even though I can’t stand to look at your face or see your name right now. I hope that our paths haven’t severed, and I hope that I will see you and continue that friendship when I am ready. But for now, I will focus on myself. I will keep off social media so that I won’t be tempted to be tracking your every move and I also will not be postin. This way, we can both get some distance we you can’t keep tabs on me. I think this is best, because then it will make you wonder what I’m doing, if you even still for a shit. That fact that I sent you a tweet over a week ago, you read it that say we broke up, and jus reacted to it tells me that it IS working. But please, I don’t need a reminder of your presence when it quite literally lives rent free in my head. A year ago today, exactly, was when we hooked up for the first time. So consider this my official goodbye. I love you connor and I wish you the best

I know that this story was so long and if nobody else reads it, at least I will remember. Next, I need to speak about Jacob’s part in the whole situation. This ones a doozy. I stg I should have my own reality show at this point... anyways, this took like 45 min and so it will be all for now. Talk tomorrow....

[mistye-dawne]

actually you know what? 1-54 lmao. (or just whatever ones you want to answer.)

This took way too long cause my niece has been a wiggleworm all morning and I’m up and down chasing her ever 5 mins lol.

1. Favorite place to write.There is a park about an hour away from me that I go to, if able, when I’ve got writer’s block. I’ll walk about a mile into the forest and sit by a creek that runs into the river. It’s a trip but is worth the effort when I just really need an isolated place to think.

2. Favorite part of writing.Character creation. Even in fanfiction, I always change up the background/personalities a little to add my own touch and present them in a new light. I also love learning and researching so I’ll just look up random things and see if I can’t design something or someone around an idea or belief.

3. Least favorite part of writing.Editing… moving on. I guess I should say editing my own work. Sometimes because I wasn’t the happiest with how a chapter turned out and sometimes because I really don’t feel like re-reading what I just wrote 3 times over only to read it again later and still find typos and parts that just don’t flow quite right.

4. Do you have writing habits or rituals?I have to be listening to something. Music, tv, the ambiance of a coffeeshop, etc. Unless I’m at my favorite place I can’t write in silence, but even there it isn’t quiet.

5. Books or authors that influenced your style the most.Toni Morrison morrison is the first name that pops into my head just because I re-read at least one of her books each month.

6. Favorite character you ever created.Childlike Evergreen for an idea that I’ve been playing with. She’s so cute and nothing like her character as an adult lol

7. Favorite author.Kristen Cashore, author of the Graceling series.

8. Favorite trope to write.

9. Least favorite trope to write.

10. Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about. 11. Describe your writing process from scratch to finish.1. Take pen and paper. Write everything that come to mind then end up trashing more than half of it.2. Write nothing but dialogue to go with everything written in step one.3. Combine both into a word document.4. Edit and make look pretty for others to enjoy.

That’s actually how I do it. I will plot out and idea with rough imcomplete details. If something need dialogue to get it moving a have a seperate journal that I write nothing but raw dialogue in. I color code everything so that it’s easy to reference back to and see what goes with what. Then I literally just splice the two parts together including every possible word before editing and cutting most of it out.

12. How do you deal with self-doubts? I’ll go through some of my older pieces that I’ve never published/shared and compare it to my current work. Idk, seeing how far i’ve improved always give me a boost in confidence.

13. How do you deal with writers block?First, I walk away from a project because trying to force something out can ruin a piece and just spend a little time each day writing something, anything, just so that I’m always keeping up with my practice. I’ll also read a bit more and get out of the house more often cause my writer’s block stems from cabin fever most of the time.

14. What’s the most research you ever put into a book?With my current piece that I’m writing. I took the idea of herbal medicine and looked up different plants what were used as medicines/ healing aids. Example: Belladonna, deadly nightshade, tincture was used to help aleviate thing like motionsickness, nausea, and even menstrual cramps. I thought it was interesting and since I was writng about dragon slayers and their perpetual uneasiness with transportaion, added into the story. In general though I always do a fair amount of research because I’ve not experienced all there is in the world and want to be able to make a connection with readers by presenting believable and accurate ideas.

15. Where does your inspiration come from?I’ve always felt more comfortable expressing myself through the written word and grew to love books and storytelling when I was little.

16. Where do you take your motivation from?Same as question 15?

17. On avarage, how much writing do you get done in a day?If I’m doing computer work, anywhere from 1500 to 2000 words. I could easily do more if I let myself, and I sometimes do, but I always walk away from it at some point during the day so as to not overexhert my hands since they already hurt my after a while of handwriting or typing.

18. What’s your revision or rewriting process like?For revisions, I can just cut and add in the document. If i doing a rewrite I will create a new document and write it side by side. I feel like i make more changes that way which is the point of rewrites.

19. First line of a WIP you’re working on.He wiped the sweat from his brow as he came upon her silhouetted form on the forest floor.

20. Post a snippet of a WIP you’re working on.“What is you plan to accomplish with this stupid ritual?”

“Oh, I don’ even know it’ll work. I just read about it thought maybe I’d give it a go if the opportunity presented itself. Your cerlestial mage appearing was just that.”

21. Post the last sentence you wrote in one of your WIP’s.Lucy had been so caught up in herself that she failed to asking how Bickslow was holding up. 22. How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you?Nothing is ultimately ever done for me. that’s propably why I’m still sitting on a collection of shortstories that I’d like to get published but haven’t yet.

23. Single or multi POV, and why?No preference. Both come fairly easy to me but I think that if done well, single POV provides the most entertainment.

24. Poetry or prose, and why?Prose. I’ve taken poetry classes and had to read said poetry in front of 100+ people in college. I still cringe when I tell that story…

25. Linear or non-linear, and why?

26. Standalone or series, and why?Standalone. I just can’t imagine writing multiple multichapter things centered around the same idea. Idk

27. Do you share rough drafts or do you wait until it’s all polished? 28. And who do you share them with?Rough drafts are for my eyes only. Occasionally a beta when I find the need but that’s rare.

29. Who do you write for?For the sole purpose of manipulating the emotions of readers. Basically, I like to write trash that’ll make people cry when it suits me. Nah, I write because my head is full of all sorts of ideas and I just have to get them on paper so to speak. Sharing my creative writing is something new for me but so far, I’m not regretting that choice.

30. Favorite line you’ve ever written.You showed me the world, then left.

31. Hardest character to write.Gray… never was a favorite of mine so I just can’t connect with him.

32. Easiest character to write.Lucy

33. Do you listen to music when you’re writing?Most of the time.

34. Handwritten notes or typed notes?Handwritten. I waste a lot of paper and wish that I didn’t but it’s just most comfortable for me to handwrite the roughest form then expand the ideas on the computer.

35. Tell some backstory details about one of your characters in your story ________.

36. A spoiler for story _________.

37. Most inspirational quote you’ve ever read or heard that’s still important to you.You aren’t the man who will make or break me. I have learned those men do not exist… I do not need you in my life. But I really, really want you in it

38. Have you shared your outline of your story ________ with someone? If so, what did they think of it?Meh, I’ll talk to my brother about ideas sometimes. He’s not a writer but he’s a good listener and is one of the few people that actually seem to enjoy it when I talk about writing with him.

39. Do you base your characters of real people or not? If so, tell us about one.I do and my favorite one is based off of my best friend from college. This girl and I met a week before classes began and she really like how my name was spelled. We hit it off from there. I’ve actually written a story based off of that first interaction between us. She’s a family woman and has such a passion for teaching english. She’s got an attitude and does what she wants, but she was the mom friend that i needed because I usually play mom for my other friends lol

40. Original Fiction or Fanfiction, and why?Both. All of my original works are based off of real stories from real people that I know. My fanfiction is where my creativity shines though especially when working with a universe like Fairy Tail.

41. How many stories do you work on at one time?However many that suits me. My exception to this rule is only 1 multichapter fic at a time due to how much time and research I invest into the piece. I’m also far more critical about editing chapter versus oneshots.

42. How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc.

43. Are you an avid reader?Yes. Reading is what makes the writer.

44. Best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.One semester I took a research class and had to design and conduct my methods and gather data. There was one part where we had to develop how we were to gather the data we sought and my instructor told me that it was hard for him to critique my methods because I had already done so in the proposal. I figure leaving a guy who writes for a living unable to write anything is a good thing lol

45. Worst piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.Taking a creative writng class with people who don’t love writing as much as I do. To elaborate, we would be required to write something of our own creation and you could tell who loved writing based on the feedback they gave. I can’t begin to say how many people took to giving me grammar advice because they couldn’t think of anything to say about the content…

46. What would your story _______ look like as a tv show or movie?

47. Do you start with characters or plot when working on a new story?Characters.

48. Favorite genre to write in.Adventure/drama

49. What do you find the hardest to write in a story, the beginning, the middle or the end?Always the beginning.

50. Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had.Oh god. Please no. Umm when I was like 15 I started writng this story about elemental angels and they had to save the world or something like that. Idk, when I look back on it I think that it’s weird

51. Describe the aesthetic of your story _______ in 5 sentences or words.

52. How did writing change you?Writing has helped me to become more confident in myself and also helped me to cope and move forward from the abuse I lived through when I was little.

53. What does writing mean to you?Writing is literally what saved my life so it’s everything.

54. Any writing advice you want to share?Write. If it’s something you want to do then do it. You only get better the more you pratice it. If you don’t know what to write, try a word promt challenge and write about whatever comes to mind. Just let your ideas flow.

[steamishot]

Not homeless

I’m pretty burnt out at work at this point ~4pm. I felt sick this week, I think due to having a lot going on and the weather changes. I also think I’m pmsing so I’m more tired than usual. It’ll be interesting to see when my period will come this month and if I will return to having a regular cycle.

It was match week last week. On Monday Matt found out that for the second time, he did not match. During this period, I spent the most time with him- saw him like 10 days in the last 12/13 days. Which now that I’m typing it out, is a LOT and the most I’ve ever seen him. I think because he was so vulnerable, he confided in me a lot. During that week, there was a soap process/scramble where unmatched candidates can try to find an open slot. He told me that only his family and I know that he was doing that and he didn’t tell his friends about it. He felt the chances of getting into a program through soap was so low that he pretty much gave up/didn’t try his hardest. Which is a shame because he got one in person interview and one phone interview. Anyway, I did my best to be supportive. On the day he didn’t match, I sent him lunch through uber eats. I bought him a stuffed animal the weekend prior for good luck and in case he got bad news. I hung out with him and provided comfort. I enjoyed doing all that with him but it was also pretty draining in retrospect lol. Now he’s bouncing back and I hope he can do better this time around.

Last Saturday, my uncle came to pick my grandma up to take her out to eat breakfast and bring her to his place for dinner. My mom and dad had plans to go to a party that day and therefore my grandma traveled alone with my uncle. Normally my grandma clings onto my mom. My dad hates that and wishes my grandma would rotate around her other 6 six kids places instead of staying at our home all the time. When my grandma left, my dad was so happy to not have to be responsible for her for a few hours and allow my mom the freedom of not having my grandma to babysit. I think my mom was happy to have some space as well. She ended up going to yoga with me and my friend for the first time. Afterwards, I took her to thread eyebrows (for myself, but eventually she was curious and I pushed her to do it). She was always afraid of eyebrow hair falling out or becoming too thin, so she never allowed people to wax or thread her brows, but she actually really liked how it turned out. We also had lunch together in Monterey park with my friend before I brought her home. She was really grateful for me taking her out and had a joyous time. This makes me think that I should spend more time with my family and less with my partner during the weekends lol.

Last night I saw matt again spontaneously. His parents had just bought a new car for him. He called me while I was driving home from work and then asked me to hang out when I was approaching downtown. I said no it’s okay let’s just stay home, but he resisted (to try to be cute) and I don’t understand these cues so I’m just like okay make it happen then. The biggest stressor about being with him is our differences in time management and planning. He’s more free flowing, spontaneous and relaxed. I’m normally very punctual and considerate of other people’s times and pretty good at judging how much time so and so takes. He said he would go get dressed and head out to my house to pick me up. I was a little annoyed already because I knew that he’s kinda slow in getting ready and I’ll probably have to wait like 20 min for him. In hindsight it’s really not a big deal. I could have gone home and relaxed for a bit. But I think I’m just more anxious overall because he’s a secret from my family and I get stressed out anytime he comes to my house. I want to avoid my mom asking me where I’m going/who I’m going with. And avoid them finding out about him. So instead of going home, I told him we can meet up somewhere along the way. We ended up doing that and because I was annoyed and hangry and possibly PMSing, I started scolding him for not respecting my time. Last week, we had agreed to meet for dinner at 5:45, and he didn’t show up til 6:15. Over the weekend he got a phone call related to his career while we were having lunch and I ended up just waiting alone for like 45 minutes. Also, we stayed at an Airbnb a mile away from his house. He forgot to bring his hair product so I offered to take him home to do his hair. I waited in the car for like 10 min for him to do that. I guess on the surface I try to appear supportive, but the selfish part of me does not like waiting around and these incidents plus others added up.

I scolded him more through text in the morning as well, saying that he comes off as not very reliable. That if he shows up on time 4/5 times that’s still 1/5 times that he’s late. I told him that he gives himself too much credit for doing the minimum and he gets complacent easily. And I connected it to how he acts in his career, which is why I think he didn’t match. I was pretty emotional in sending the texts (I think I’m PMSing) but I felt his response was direct and comforting. I like that he doesn’t give in to the emotional turmoil (because I don’t think he has the capacity to) lol which is good because in my last relationship, both of us would be emotional during these “fights” and it would take longer to move on from it. Honestly, it’s not a big deal. Because if this is the biggest problem between us then I think that’s okay. I won’t expect him to change, but I hope that we can work together to make our shared experiences better and more fair.

Anyway, over the weekend he said that I make him happy and that he wants to make me happy too. And he told me to choose a restaurant for dinner. I first said hot pot, but he’s like is there anything new you want to try? So I hit him with SUGARFISH LOL. We ended up going and the bill was like $96.

During one of our talks a few weeks ago about him not matching and going to have a $20/hr job… he said he will save some money for applications and spend the rest on hanging out with me. I think he was joking but he said that’s around $400 a week we can spend on fun. When he asked me how much I’d put into this “fun pool” I said that he can pay and I’ll do the labor i.e. planning, bookkeeping, etc. I don’t know if I’m shooting myself in the foot but I do feel that I do more of the “laborious” activities and he just pays which is a simple act that doesn’t require much thought- and that I’m technically working harder for our relationship. 

However, I don’t think I should think about it in that sense. Naturally, women are more nurturing and care more about their relationships. Men are dependent on these relationships but don’t necessarily understand what the women need (in hetero relationships) from them. He is working hard in his career to provide for me and his future family. So i’ll try to think of it as we’re using our strengths as a team. I’m good at and enjoy planning, and should plan for our enjoyment, not to expect him to mirror me. The last time I saw my indian mama, she gave me some relationship advice - i told her how my sister in law was complaining to me about my brother being spoiled and lazy. she said it takes asian men like 8 years to learn how to do things/clean up around the house because they just don’t know!! she noted how asian men, compared to western men, have lower EQs and she repeated this a lot- they just don’t know. and she said it’s okay that they don’t know because it means they don’t have bad intentions. however, she said if they do know and they continue causing harm, then that’s bad. and i totally agree with that. 

[smolandfeisty]

Feb 9th, 2019

So. That one word sat there in by its lonesome for, give or take, an hour. In my defense, a friend called but that only lasted about 15 mins. Otherwise, I caught pokemon and studied potions in my Harry Potter game. I guess one reason that happened is cause I am not sure what to write about on this one. This is supposed be, basically, be homework for my therapy sessions, so it should be about the things I go to therapy for....... and that isn’t what is on my mind right now. Well, guess that is what is going into this post...oh well.

Wee bit of backstory for understanding. I recently got married to a U.S. Marine. We did a quick courthouse wedding because we weren’t sure the next time he was going to be in town and we couldn’t afford even a small “real” ceremony. I had accepted that. And even my, sometimes, tradition based Mama had as well. His family is a little spread thin so we didn’t send out invites. We were also told that we could a numbered amount of guests. So when the day came, there was my family of 4, my 2 Mamas and my 2 sisters (one was supposed to be my maid of honor) to his 2 parents. They weren’t pleased and they made that more than clear. I have issues with acceptance tied to major abandonment issues. So when his mother refused to acknowledge my family (his father at least tried but the tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife) it hit home. I put on a strong face like I always do but inside, I shriveled down to a small, scared, crying child. Doesn’t help that in all the commotion, we left the rings on the table. (Just more ammunition for his parents to think of my family as nothing but a problem. They very clearly already do, btw.) So we went through the ceremony and were wed. We had all planned to go out to dinner afterward. And his mother made enough of a silent fuss that his father came to us asking if we really wanted them there. Considering how quickly he took my “ You are welcome but, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” as a “why don’t you go home.” kinda proved that they wanted nothing to do with it. So I walked out of the courthouse trying so hard to conceal tears. And they weren’t the happy ones I thought I would shed on my wedding day. And I DO NOT cry in-front people. I’ve been conditioned not to but, there I was crying. It was that hard.

Now jump to the present. As a Marine, he is stationed at a base. That happens to be 10 hours away. But because we are married, he was able to get the gov’t to help him move out of the barracks. I am happy for that because his roommate was causing him trouble that was effecting his health. So, he found a row-home apt. Due to the financial rut my family is in (which will probably be explained in a later post) I can’t move at the moment. Which is creating a bit of a struggle or me.

I understand that there are things he needs to get to furnish the apt so he can live in it comfortably. But at the same time, I feel like there are a bunch of decisions being made without me. This is supposed to be my first place too. I sacrificed having a place of my own because I love him and wanted to b able to start our adventure together. But I feel like when I finally do move down there, I am just going to be moving into someone else’s place. The turning point that sparked this whole post happened today. He and I have barely been able to talk due to conflicting work schedules. He had been able to tell me that his mother and aunt were going down to visit him and that they were going to be looking into what his older veteran brother had stashed in his storage unit. All fine and dandy in my book. But then I get an image of a bunch of stuff they had brought back from the storage unit. Including a bedroom set for the guest room...... I had really wanted to bring my bedroom set down. Now that I think about it, I think I kinda wanted to have a bit of my home with me. And now I don’t even get the chance. And I wasn’t even asked. I just seen to get told that things happen. I can’t help but think that this is part his mother’s doing but at the same time, he had been making it pretty clear he didn’t want me to bring my bed. I think he just didn’t want to have to deal with putting back together. I dunno. Not that it really matters now cause it looks like it has to stay whether I like it or not. Maybe I won’t be able to take anything with me.

Today’s event has sprouted a new version of an old fear regarding this. I am afraid to leave because I am always subtly afraid that I am going to loose my mother again. I just got her back and I don’t know if I could handle loosing her again so soon. the thought has me in tears right now as I am typing this. She is going to be 10 hours away. It isn’t like I can just go and visit her for a weekend. And I am supposed to leave the family I’ve just finally gotten back after a childhood of hell to go to a place where it seems my opinion is heard by human ears but ignored by the same human heart and mind? I just can’t swallow that pill. After being torn apart, my little family has been rejoined as a little family of survivors that has been together for a little under 3 years because I was away at college until 2016. I lost my mom when I was around 10 and found her again when I was 20. And I barley remember anything from before I lost her accept fights with my father and her battling alcoholism. So these past 3 years, as fucking hard as they have been are bloody precious to me. I am starting be feel like unless I am confident that I am going to be comfortable in my move, I won’t be able to do it and stay mentally healthy.

And I don’t think he understanding that. It doesn’t help that when it comes to his parents, his mother specifically, he has no backbone. I can understand being a Mamas Boy but, is that forever going to trump his wife? Cause that is kinda how it seems. But I think that my current emotional state my be keeping me from seeing a few instances where that may be wrong. But I know there are very few of them in the almost 5 years we have been together.

I am not sure how I am supposed to handle this. I truly love him with all my heart and I do want to start my life with him. But I am not sure I want to start it like this. 

Its supposed to be my home too. And at this moment, I feel like I’m just going to end up feeling like a guest in a long stay condo suite.

My thoughts are no longer linear, so I am going to stop here. I cried a good bit, that should count at therapy, right?

[st0pdr0pndm0sh]

A little rant on what’s been going on in my life for the past few months that aren’t even anime related.

If you’re reading this, it means I finally wanted to write down my feelings on something. I have endured a lot the last few months that a few of my friends know part or half of the story and don’t know the whole thing. So, for my friends who follow me on tumblr who know very little or half and don’t know the whole story. I am going to write it all out, and hopefully this explains why I have been doing what I have been doing. I hope it provides insight as to why I am doing this, and why I keep pursuing the same guy who broke me into a million pieces and left me to die. My last ex, for now due to his safety I won’t reveal his identity so I will give him the name Bob, because why the hell not. So Me and Bob have been friends since high school in 2011. He isn’t from New York, Long Island specifically. He is from Las Vegas, Nevada. He lived a hell of a life from what he would tell me back then. Well, he ended up moving here when he was 14 and I was 13. We went to the same high school, but for shits and giggles I will name it High School of Bullshit (HSoBS). So he came to the Island and had no friends whatsoever. He came just in time for the fall semester of HSoBS for 9th grade. I was in my mega scene phase, I was very cheery, happy-go-lucky. I enjoyed living at the time, and he- not so much. He had a lot of things going on and when he first met me, it was an instant attraction for both parties. The significance of this was we became best friends in high school, we were inseparable. You wouldn’t find him without me next to him and vice versa. The entire school was probably convinced we were dating, but we weren’t. We actually wanted to so badly. We never did because us being stupid children in love we didn’t know how to express this. He would date other girls in my class because he felt like he could never have me, that I was too high of a level for him. However, I wasn’t. I loved him dearly, and when he dated other girls in our class he would still always be with me to the point that he wouldn’t be with his girlfriends that much. He would always be with me. Now to every fucking person in this school they can TELL we were in love. It’s such a silly thing to say we were in love because it was high school we were 13/14. Well, one day he moved. I begged him to stay because I would miss him so much. Even by me saying that we still didn’t realize we loved each other. He didn’t want to go, but he had to. We still talked and everything until 2013. Truth is when he left I felt empty. Because in high school he wouldn’t talk to anyone but me. Even when that was a rarity, he still would talk to me and solely me. It made me very happy, knowing I felt so special to him. To him I am his first love, and his first best friend here. He always tells me how he can never forget about me, and how he never loved any other girl as much as he loved me. We have everything in common, from our music tastes, to our creepy and eerie pasts, to just who we are. We enjoy the same things, we act the same, we talk the same. We are legitimately the same person in the opposite genders as if we are made for each other. As time from 2013-2016 went on, we stopped talking completely, and I lived my life without him and he did without me. Or so I thought. Deep down we always wondered how we were. He always thought about me after 2013 and how I was doing. I always wondered about him, but we never decided to contact each other. He had girlfriends and I had boyfriends. We spent happiness in others. Well, in late August of 2016, I got new video editing software for my gaming channel on youtube and I made a status about how I was going to make more videos now. I was really excited to tell everyone about it, and he saw it and never knew I was an avid gamer. He messaged me saying “wait you’re a gamer?!” and we added each other on every gaming software we owned. We played games a bit and then stopped talking for a few months. Now, fast forward to September 23rd 2016. My 19th birthday, he texted me “Happy Birthday kid, how old are you now?” and I said how I was 19 and his immediate reaction was “wow you’re young compared to me” and meanwhile he was only turning 20 I made the joke of “You’re almost a year older than me though. As we are speaking we are both 19. So shush.” and we laughed because we made shitty jokes about how we are old/young. After that we put some distance back again. One day in October I met another guy, who I was attracted to. His name for this story will be Frank. Frank and I were going well in our soon-to-be relationship albeit we couldn’t see each other ever due to our conflicting schedules and whatnot, but we talked daily. Well, one day I posted on Snapchat how I needed someone and surely enough Bob saw it. He wrote to me asking to hang out to catch up after work and talk. I was hesitant at first because he was my first love, what if I fall for him again? especially since at the time he had a girlfriend. I didn’t want to ruin their relationship because he might still love me. I doubted it though, nothing ever lasted for me because I fall too hard for guys and get nothing in return ever. So I brushed it away and said fine, I’ll go out and talk. So we went to the taco bell near my house. He worked in Riverhead at the time which was 35 mins from my house, and we sat there and I knew. The minute I saw him and hugged him, all of my feelings returned. I had fallen in love with my first love again. That hug was a smack back to our happy moments together in high school. I missed it so fucking much, he was my best friend and my first love. He meant the world to me then, and even to this very day as I am writing this and crying over my computer I still love the fucking shit out of him. After we saw each other, I didn’t want him to leave. Not again. Not like he did back then, it ruined me to have to leave his side. I wanted to beg him to stay with me. I couldn’t though, he found happiness in someone else. His heart belongs to someone else. Not me. The next few days we talked a little, and I flat out (being the blunt bitch I am) told him how I think we shouldn’t see each other as much because I wanted to kiss him as if we had dated, because my feelings for him returned. I knew they would, but wanted to defy myself. I couldn’t. I told him that, and surely enough he felt the same. This caused more than a kiss to happen. Which tore him and I and his girlfriend at the time apart. This caused a lot of hatred, pain, heartbreak, bitterness, and tears and blood. After that, we dated in November shortly after his birthday for 2 weeks. We were happy for those 2 weeks, we had cute conversations like how I would say “I love you to the moon and back” and he would be silly and cute and say “You’d only love me for 3 days?!” because that’s how long it takes to get to the moon and back. Then he called me his queen, he would send me reasons why he loved me every night and that he was happy to be with me. He would always tell me to be happy for the day and have a good day at school or work. It went super well then and even the next time we dated it was just bliss. However, the first time we dated I decided to be a selfish cunt and not say I was in a relationship with him on facebook because I wanted to stay married to my ex on facebook from many years ago. I was still hung up on him, and little did I know. It fucking killed Bob. It hurt him so much that it pushed him away back to his ex-girlfriend now at the time. This in turn made me angry because he was with her when I was very ill at the time. I was nearly hospitalized, and he had done what I never wanted to be done ever again in my life. This caused turmoil, and he had to make a choice, me or her. He walked out of his house and when his ex-girlfriend at the time said “Where are you going?” he said “To make my decision” and told me to meet him at the lake near his house, where it all began for us. That was where he took my virginity, and where he asked to be mine again. I normally would’ve accepted it. However, I cursed him out, I caused him to cry so fucking much in my arms. I caused him to be in so much pain that I caused my own tears. I told him to live and to suffer. I wanted him to suffer like he made me suffer at the time, and once my head got cleared. That’s where mistakes began. He flip flopped between me and his ex-girlfriend at the time until she finally dipped and left. Once she left he worked on us and it was the best time of our lives because we didn’t let anything get to us. Not at all. However, I would always confront him about his ex-girlfriend’s posts regarding him. He would naturally deny it, but it fucking hurt because some was true some was false. However, we lasted a few more weeks and he broke up with me to fix his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. This hurt me, but I understood. So the issue here was he was still in love with me. He still wanted me, but he also wanted her. After we saw each other and his ex-girlfriend at the time refused to take him back. He found another girl and this caused some turmoil between us again because its back to a few months ago again. I befriended new people through this, and lost them just the same. Combatting my health, family life, and him all at once really destroyed my mental state to the point where I was numb. He told his new girlfriend at the time all about me and she hated that we still talked. He claims she trusted him, but in reality she didn’t. If she did, she wouldn’t have anything to worry about, but the fact that she was worried about this means even she along with he and I knew that he still was in love with me. Fast forward to 2 weeks later where we got into a HUGE FIGHT over the phone. He let his emotions engulf him completely and screamed at me, telling me how he’s going to call me every single name in the book and scare me away. However, he didn’t. He didn’t call me anything negative other than stupid. That was all, he didn’t call me a cunt, whore, a slut, a useless piece of shit. None of it. All he called me was stupid for still talking to his ex-girlfriend that hated me and confronted me blaming me for their break up. He also said these exact words to me: “Do you know why I am so angry, Angela?!” Me: “No WHY ENLIGHTEN ME.” Him: “BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU ANGELA, I TRIED TO FORGET US, TO FORGET YOU, TO GET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE AND NO MATTER WHO I DATE OR WHO I AM WITH IT’S NEVER THE SAME. I CAN’T FORGET YOU. I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU.” when he said this to me he was out of his shell, it was his true personality talking to me. This is when the truth really comes out. Afterwards I was left a crying mess feeling useless. Then I got a text from him saying “I’m sorry for over reacting. I do love you and I do want to be with you and work things out. I just need time” and all I did was give him time. However, I might’ve pushed a lot on him. That is what most likely ruined us. I wanted to see him that night. I wanted to see the person who broke me down so much that I can’t help but be in love with because at the end of the day when we make each other mad or sad, we always apologize and make up for it. After that phone call he posted on twitter how he isn’t human because he just shattered the one girl he probably never wanted to shatter. To shatter your first love and your first best friend like that has to be mentally eating someone alive. I always forgave him and I always will because I just love him, yes he hurt me. Yes, he did things he shouldn’t have done. However, at the end of the day we always talk to each other and check up on each other. If he’s a fucked up person, then I am fucked up for the same reasons he has. They say two people who are the same really belong together, then I guess this is our story because at the end of the day we still come back to each other. Now that we know how we feel about each other, we don’t want to lose each other again. Not after what happened in HSoBS. After they broke up, I witnessed him breaking down. Multiple occasions and I was there for him as a friend because he needed someone. I didn’t trust him alone. I was always there when he needed a friend. Every time he was upset, I would always check in on him and stop by to see if he is okay. He always calls me when he needs me, even after he told me he doesn’t love me anymore and said how he wants me out of his life for good. He still wants to talk to me, now I know what you’re thinking “why the fuck would he be so childish and fuck around so much and you still be there for him?” and the answer is, love makes you do some really fucking crazy and unexplainable things. This is one of them. When we are together we are so happy and there’s nothing bad going on, but when we are apart and he is unsure about himself and talks to other girls, that’s where the fighting happens. He tells me how he doesn’t love me, how he doesn’t care if I date anyone else, but truth be told. It’s a lie, he gets jealous a lot over me talking to other guys. Why? He still loves me, but doesn’t know what to do. So he’s pretty much prolonging us, but lately he has been calling me and texting me daily and talking to me and we are realizing how we are perfect for each other and how we are legitimately the same person but opposite genders. We both agree we are meant to be together, because he never felt like this with anyone else. When we were gaming late the other night he kept wanting to call me his babe and his girl etc. And it was even harder for him to not want me to come over to sleep with him. He misses me a lot, and I miss him too. However, he has another girlfriend (again) and until he realizes I am gone and find someone else and then want to fix us because he realized how he chased away the only girl who was there for him through everything and didn’t care about what he did because she loved him for who he was and for him. He will either be sorry that I am gone, or not care. We will see where this goes, because I do love him. However, this game of “I am going to date every other girl before I date you” fucking hurts. I can’t handle it because it’s not fair to me. It’s not fair because I keep trying to make things right and all he does is hurt me by seeing other girls. I just want him to snap out of this phase and realize I was the one who was always there for him. I want him to not fuck himself over someone who is willing to go anywhere with him when no one else will. I know all about him, every single thing. If anyone knew half of him they would probably be unhappy and not want to live with it. He may be a difficult, and a stubborn guy, but he really isn’t a bad guy. He always asks me how I am and if I don’t answer he gets worried because he knows my health is dancing with the devil right now. He truly does care about me. I just want these games to end and finally be at peace either with him or without him. Its either me, or never me. Pick one before someone else picks it for you. We all have that one person we can never stop loving, and for me that is him and for him it is me. However, it doesn’t mean when we see other people and love others we still won’t be affected by it because deep down we want each other. Please save me, before someone else saves me for you.

[happy-meo]

SILVER SPOON: Part 3 [Yoongi x Reader; Rom-com, fluff]

A girl who had to work hard every day of her life to rise from nothing, meets a man who was born with and given everything.

A classic tale of what happens when a cold, uptight farm girl meets a playful, rebellious, easy-going city boy that was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Summary: Having been born and raised in the country side, you have worked hard your entire life to make it to the big city. You eventually achieved your dream and now you have a wonderful paying job for a large company and you continue putting your 110% into everything you do. However, your perfect plan to climb to success through consistent effort and hard work becomes disarrayed with the arrival of your branch’s new rebellious and easy-going CEO, who never desired the position in the first place and has never truly worked hard a day in his life. Your job is on the line if he can’t be turned into a quality CEO within a year, but he has no intention of changing himself for anyone or letting you boss him around so easily. How will you work your way through this obstacle? Will you succeed in changing him or will he be the one that changes you?

Yoongi x Reader (ft. Jimin & VIXX’s Leo as side characters; some other BTS members show up too lol) Office au Romantic Comedy, Fluff

Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 (Finale)

           "Leo what the--" Yoongi stepped out of the office to find Leo standing with a large suitcase at hand.

           "I did the honor of packing your clothes, sir." he bowed. "So it'll be unnecessary for you to return home after work."

           "Gee...thanks." Yoongi stated sarcastically.

           You were standing beside him in a daze, listening to their conversation but not truly comprehending it. You were beyond floored at the turn of events. Apart from Jimin and obviously the Chairman, no one knew about where you had come from. And you had wanted to keep it that way...especially from your new boss who enjoyed living lavishly.

           "I can't believe this is happening..." You breathed.

           "Well it won't be too bad. I've lived in a few small apartments here and there when I wanted to hide from family." Yoongi patted you in the back.

           You groaned.

           "Do you live far?" he questioned as you two began walking out of the building.

           "Yeah...a bit."

           "Alone?"

           "No...with my family."

           "Ohh." he was silenced. "Well I shouldn't intrude! The Chairman just can't force me into someone else's home. We should go back and complain!"

           "I already paid a visit on his orders and they were more than enthusiastic that Miss Y/N was bringing a man home." Leo cut in.

           You wailed. "Noooo! Mr. Leo --WHY?"

           You fought the urge to grab his perfectly ironed collar and shake him silly. "They're going to misunderstand!"

           Leo shook his head. "I made sure to explain that this is temporary and that you and Mr. Min have not shared any romantic notions past lying in bed beside each other with no bodily contact."

           Your face burned at the image of your parents having to hear that from a strange man, and Yoongi smacked Leo's arm.

           "Leo! I told you to stop saying things people would misunderstand!"

           "But it's the truth?" Leo mumbled.

           "No, no, no..." You shook your head. "This has to be a nightmare right? Right?"

           Yoongi stretched out your cheeks. "Get a hold of yourself woman."

           "Your parents were quite ecstatic." Leo continued. "They said 'it's about time she starts showing interest in men. She's always working! Of course we'd love to meet the man!'. And I believe someone who said they were your brother said 'Let me meet the deluded man who wants to date my sister!' They were all quite amiable. There should be no problems about our stay."

           You crouched down on the ground and covered your face in embarrassment. "Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry."

           Yoongi laughed. "They sound hysterical. I'm not so annoyed anymore. This might be quite an entertaining venture."

           You glanced up at him incredulously. "Are you serious?"

           Yoongi shrugged. "I'm a very flexible and adaptable man. It's supposed to be a punishment but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it."

           "Must be nice to be carefree."

           "Must be tough to think you can control life." he snorted.

           You glared at him but he nonchalantly continued strolling forward.

           "I guess I'll go home with you after work then."      

           You exhaled, knowing that there was no way around it. You had to accept the consequences of your actions. You deserved this, but it wasn't going to be an easy task for either of you. Your family and your living circumstances might be an absolute culture shock for him. And frankly, you knew they were going to embarrass the hell out of you in front of your new boss. You dreaded it all.

           "Are you upset cause you won't be able to 'clean the dirty hoes' while I'm around?" Yoongi joked as he walked you back to the building.

           "Let's just get to work. We'll deal with everything later." You sighed, not in the mood to jest.

           "Aye, aye." he grinned as he scurried ahead of you.

           You wondered who this was actually a punishment for. Yoongi seemed to have gotten over the loss of his apartment already while you felt like you gained a perpetual raincloud above your head.

           As soon as you returned to your desk, Jimin called you into his office curiously.

           "What happened?" he asked as he handed you a cup of water and guided you to his chair. "Why'd you both get called in by the Chairman?"

           "Well, he found that Yoongi's been neglecting his duties and I've basically been covering up for him by doing them instead." You explained with a frown. "So now he's punishing us."

           "How?" Jimin gasped as he sat at the edge of his desk, twirling his tie mindlessly.

           "He kicked Yoongi out of his apartment and told him to live with me..." You mumbled.

           You saw Jimin's hand still from twirling his tie and his face went through various emotions in a split second -- from confusion to shock to pure delight.

           "Oh my goodness. YOU'RE LIVING TOGETHER??" he exclaimed.

           "Shhhh!" You scrambled to cover Jimin's mouth, afraid other people would overhear through the walls.

           "Does he know you live on a farm?" Jimin whispered as he pulled your hand away.

           You shook your head. "Not yet."

           "I'm so jealous." Jimin pouted playfully. "You've never introduced me to your family and you've known me longer."

           "Jimin." You rolled your eyes. "This is hardly the time to play jealous. Plus you have your girlfriend back in Seoul."

           "Not my real girlfriend." Jimin emphasized.

           "Yeah, yeah. You only told people that so no one at work tries to seduce you cause you can't keep your urges in." You waved your hand then spotted a picture on his desk. "That's a new picture of her right? I've only seen the picture of you two on your phone and profile."  

           "Yeah, the three of us went on a trip when I took those personal days." Jimin smiled fondly at the photo.

           "How's CEO Jung doing these days?" You mentioned, thumb glazing over the third man in the photo. "Still crabby?"

           Jimin chuckled. "He probably has a higher stick up his ass than you do right now. I didn't think it was possible to be more uptight than you. But not sure what he's unhappy about, I heard his secretary was pretty hott."

           "Is that why you're planning on running away from me, huh?" You pinched Jimin's thighs in protest, and he cackled as he grabbed your hand to prevent any further pain.

           In the midst of your laughter, there was a light knock on Jimin's door.

           "Come in." he chimed.

           You both were surprised when Yoongi stepped into the room, mirroring the same expression of astonishment, probably due to the position you two were in. Hurriedly, you slipped your hand away from Jimin's and stood up.

           "I'll leave you two to talk." You stated with a slight blush and walked past Yoongi before either of them could tease you.

           "So how long does this bus ride take you?" Yoongi yawned as plopped down on the bench. "10 minutes? 20 minutes?"

           "An hour and a half." You admitted.

           "An HOUR AND A HALF?!" Yoongi shouted.

           Leo flinched from his loud voice and moved closer to you.

           "Yeah...I live far from the city."

           "Are you serious? What? Do you live on a farm or something?" Yoongi snorted.

           "Umm...well yes..." You confessed, rubbing the back of your neck.

           There was a few minutes of silence between you three; only the light sounds of engines and people chatting were heard.

           "S-seriously?" Yoongi stammered.

           "Yeah..." You looked down, embarrassed.

           "So you seriously travel an hour and a half to work and back home? All the time?"

           "Yeah."

           "And you've had get up earlier cause you had to get my ass out of bed?"

           You chuckled. "It's all part of the job."

           "So you're poor?" Yoongi blurted out.

           Other people at the bus stop shot him a look and you blushed. People passing by might consider him rude, but you knew he was merely curious rather than taking a stab at your economic status.

           "I guess relative to you, I am." You smiled slightly.

           The bus arrived, granting you an escape from the awkward conversation, and you urged the two of them to get in.

           "Payment." the bus driver stopped Yoongi.

           "What? Is this not free?" Yoongi blinked.

           The driver snorted. "Are you serious?"

           "Umm..." Yoongi lifted up his black credit card. "Can I swipe this?"

           "We accept bills, coins, or the pre-paid bus passes." The driver pointed at the sign.

           "What's the hold up??" the passengers behind you were getting antsy.

           "I'll pay for the two of them!" You peeked out with a big sigh.

           The driver nodded and you swiped your bus pass three times. Then you found the two of them standing in the middle of the bus with wide eyes.

           "What're you two doing?"

           "Are there assigned seats?" Yoongi questioned.

           You looked at him amused. "No, sit wherever you want."

           "Where are the best seats?" he questioned.

           You pointed. "The back row."

           "Go Leo! Acquire the back seats!" Leo nodded and marched to the back.

           His intimidating, expressionless face had the people occupying the seats scrambling out in mere seconds. You massaged your temples and sighed, apologizing to those passengers.

           "It's their first time. I'm sorry."

           Yoongi snuggled up next to the window and Leo protectively sat beside him. You opted to sit in front of them, not wanting to look like you were associated. At least you could try to find some sort of peace on the bus. You opened up the new book you were reading to teach yourself new things about economics and global marketing.

           "Seriously?"

           You felt Yoongi's breath near your ear and you jumped, banging your head against the window by accidentally.

           "Ah shit." You cursed as you rubbed your head.

           "She curses!" Yoongi clapped excitedly. "I never thought I'd see the day!"

           You glared at him. "People on the bus should be quiet."

           "I'm whispering." Yoongi grinned as he leaned close again. "Are you seriously reading that?"

           "Yes. Why shouldn't I?"

           "You're just a secretary...why would you need to?"

           "So I can cover my lazy boss's neglected duties." You retorted.

           Yoongi chuckled then switched places with Leo so he could cross his arms on the empty seat next to you. You raised an eyebrow at him questioningly.

           "So you and Mr. Park, huh?" he smirked playfully.

           You shook your head. "There is no me and Mr. Park. He's taken."

           "Didn't look so taken when I walked into the office?" he pressed. "You have a thing for him."

           "I don't see why that's any of your business." You turned your attention back to your book. After a few minutes of him staring at you, he spoke up again.

           "So I had someone find your resume for me."

           You sighed and shut the book dangerously; you couldn't concentrate on it anyway.

           "That's highly inappropriate, Mr. Min."

           Yoongi's lips curled up, finally succeeding in getting your full attention.

           "It's only right that a CEO knows their workers well."

           "And?" You questioned. "Find anything interesting?"

           "Everything was interesting." he smiled as he nestled his head further into his arms, tilting it to look at you intently. "I could see why you dislike me."

           "Really?" you stared at him, unconvinced. "My resume told you why I dislike you."

           "You're just taking out your feelings about how unfair society is. Why was I born into a rich family and you a not-so rich family? It's normal to feel jealous about that."

           You pursed your lips, trying not to get riled up. You weren't jealous about his life at all. You were infuriated that he was given such opportunities but he took them all for granted.

           "I dislike people who can't appreciate what's been granted to them." You stated simply.

           "And I dislike people who think they always know what's best for others." he muttered in return.

           You were about to protest but a new passenger took the seat beside you and Yoongi leaned back, closing his eyes. You stared at him for a few seconds before disregarding his statement and returning to your book.

           "Last stop!" the driver called out and you lifted yourself off of the window pane, having fallen asleep on it.

           You turned and shook Leo and Yoongi's legs, jolting them awake.

           "We're here." You yawned.

           They followed you groggily. Leo was lifting two suitcases with no qualms, while Yoongi was swaying side to side, bumping into you constantly. You exhaled and paused before getting any closer to your home. You turned and gently smacked Yoongi's cheeks to wake him up properly. He seemed to regain some of his consciousness and stared at you questioningly.

           "Okay, so listen to me carefully." You exhaled. "I have A LOT of family."

           "Okay..." Yoongi furrowed his brows and covered your hands on his face with his own. "And?"

           "They can get a little overwhelming and loud...so it might be shocking, but they're all good people and they mean well. I apologize in advance but they're a bit candid and kind of...free. Things are way different in the countryside than they are in the city. I don't want to shock you two."

           Yoongi smiled and nodded understandably. He grabbed your hands off of his face and gave them a squeeze reassuringly. "I told you I'm adaptable. Don't worry."

           Your lips curled up, still a little worried, but a bit relieved Yoongi was taking this so well.

           "And well, things aren't as clean and crisp as your apartment is..."

           "I know what a farm is, Y/N." Yoongi snorted. "Relax."

           "Okay. I'm just nervous." You admitted.

           He grinned cheekily. "Cause I'm the first guy you're bringing home?"

           You rolled your eyes. "Shut it."

           "Did you just tell your boss to shut it?" he playfully gasped.

           "Ahh!"

           A familiar voice exclaimed in the darkness.

           "Y/N's here! Everyone!"

           A small flashlight lit up and pointed towards you and Yoongi.

           "And they're holding hands! Mom, get the camera!"

           You pried your hands away from Yoongi's and rushed forward. "We're not holding hands!"

           "What? I totally just saw you!" the taller, broad shouldered man cackled playfully.

           "We were not! Stop slandering me!" You jumped up to reach for the flashlight, but to no avail. Suddenly, the flashlight was snatched away from the man's grasp by Leo with ease and given to you without a word.

           You smiled appreciatively at the bodyguard.

           "Oh! It's Leo!" the man cheered.

           Leo bowed.

           You turned to Yoongi and smiled, "This is my older brother Seokjin, but he acts like one of my younger siblings, so people always think I'm the oldest. Oppa, this is Mr. Min, my boss."

           "Just call me Yoongi." Yoongi reached out for a handshake.

           "Jin." Jin shook it then laughed. "Oh why're we doing this? Come here!"

           He pulled Yoongi into an embrace and you giggled at the pure shock that was displayed on your boss's face.

           "It's so nice to meet you!" Jin cooed. "Leo told me I'm older, so you can call me Jin-hyung!"

           "Um okay..." Yoongi nodded.

           "Say it!" Jin urged.

           "Jin-hyung." Yoongi obliged shyly.

           Jin clapped excitedly and wiggled his body. "I got a rich man to call me hyung!"

           You smacked your forehead and shook your head.

           "Anyways, let's get inside the house. It's getting chilly." Jin easily lifted the two suitcases and led you three down the dirt pathway. "Everyone's so excited to meet you, Yoongi. We all stayed up."

           "You guys didn't have to..." You mumbled, shyly.

           "He's a guest Y/N. We can't not greet him." Jin cut in.

           "Please don't tell me they brought Bacon out too." You groaned.

           "Bacon?" Yoongi furrowed his brows. "I'm not too hungry..."

           "Oh no--" You laughed.

           Suddenly, the sound of hurried footsteps and excited noises were rushing towards you three. You gasped as you watched Yoongi being tackled to the ground harshly.

           "Holy crap. What is this on top of me?" he grunted as he tried to make out what it was in the dark.

           You chuckled as you pointed the flashlight at him, causing him to scream loudly. On top of him lay a heavy piglet.  

           "That's Bacon."

           He frowned as he struggled to lift the piglet up. "That's just cruel."

           "My cousin named him." You crouched down and took the piglet into your arms easily. "He's a bit heavy huh?"

           Yoongi scoffed as Leo lifted him to his feet.

           "It was just hard to get leverage from the position I was in."

           You nodded, not buying his excuse for a second.

           "Mr. Min! ~"

           You heard your mother call out as she stepped forward and hugged him warmly. "I'm glad you three made it here safely! Welcome!"

           Yoongi smiled and bowed. "Thank you for having me on such short notice, Y/N's mother."

           "Just call me 'Mom'." she patted his cheek lovingly.

           "Mr. Min." Your father stepped forward and they shook hands firmly.

           "He's a man of few words and plenty of action. If you know what I mean." Your mom winked.

           Yoongi chuckled and you groaned. "Mom! Stop!"

           "What?" Your mom giggled. "Oh! Dears, come forward so Mr. Min can see you."

           You smiled as your siblings stepped forward into the light.

           "Here's my younger sister, the 3rd oldest. Then there's a huge age gap and we have the twins."

           They all shyly bowed then stepped behind you to hide.

           "My cousins should be around here too. Some of them are younger but there's one that's around our age who practically lives with us." You looked around.

           Jin chuckled. "Yeah, he was particularly excited to meet you."

           "I'm here! I'm here! Sorry! I'm here!"

           As if on cue, you all heard someone bellowing breathlessly, accompanied by scurrying footsteps.

           "I'm here!" he panted, as he came to light. He coughed as he tried to catch his breath then stood up straight. Scanning the faces, his face lit up and he rushed towards Leo.

           "You must be Mr. Min!" he shook Leo's hand enthusiastically. "I've heard such great things about you! I don't know why Y/N told me you were short. You're taller than me!"

           Yoongi coughed and you averted your gaze guiltily.

           "I'm actually Mr. Min." he smiled. "That's my bodyguard Leo."

           "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! Wow, you're a lot handsomer than Y/N gave you credit for." Your cousin scrambled over and grabbed Yoongi's hand. "I'm Taehyung, Y/N's cousin! Just call me Tae or Tae-Tae."

           He grinned widely, exposing his box grin. Yoongi smiled before being pulled into a tight hug once more.

           "We're going to be good friends. I can feel it!" Tae wrapped his legs around Yoongi's body and the latter frantically stumbled around, flapping his arms at the sudden extra weight on him.

           "Tae!" You scolded and your cousin hurriedly jumped off of him.

           "Sorry. Got too excited..." he bashfully retreated.

           "It's okay." Yoongi exhaled, realizing why you had warned him that it would be a bit overwhelming. But it was a good kind of overwhelming. He felt warmly welcomed. He bowed respectfully. "It's great meeting you all. Please take care of me for the time being."

           "Don't worry." Jin threw an arm around Yoongi. "You'll be helping us out in the fields so we'll all spend some quality time together!"

           "Yeah, we have to feed you too. Look how scrawny you look." Your mother worried as she ushered everyone into your house.

           "Wait, what? Helping out?" Yoongi blinked.

           "Yeah, Leo told us your grandfather wanted to have you help us out on the farm to get you to build some character." Jin smacked Yoongi's chest chummily. "We'll definitely help you out. I'm your hyung after all. Although, you're not as handsome as me, you're still pretty good-looking!"

           You sighed and glanced over at Leo, who was standing stiffly while Tae was circling him curiously.

           "Tae...?" You questioned then watched as Tae koala hugged Leo from the side.

           "I like him." Tae giggled. "He reminds me of a big kitty."  

           You chuckled, amused.

           Leo blinked and looked down at Tae questioningly. The younger grinned widely at him so Leo simply patted his head gently, wondering if that was what Tae was waiting for. It seemed to satisfy the cousin because he climbed down and helped Leo with a suitcase.

           You stayed behind the group, marching forward at a slow pace as you watched everyone fuss over the new guests with vigor. Thankfully, it was the weekend tomorrow so you didn't have to think about work. But you were a bit worried about whether or not Yoongi would able to handle helping out at the farm.

           Oh well.

           You shrugged.

           He did say he was adaptable and flexible after all.

           Yoongi lay wide awake. He tossed and turned on the floor. Tae was on one side of him and Jin was on the other, sleeping soundly. He thought this had been some sort of empty room for him to fill during his stay, but it turned out to be the males' bedroom. They simply laughed at him when he asked where their bed earlier. Leo was in his own corner of the room, also resting. He had told Yoongi he didn't feel it was appropriate to sleep near his master so he insisted on sleeping apart.

           "Ah this is crazy." he slipped out from the shared covers and stepped out of the room.

           He wandered towards the kitchen where he spotted a dim light. Peeking in carefully, he exhaled in relief when he realized it was just you.

           "Can't sleep either?" he mumbled and felt a bit better seeing you flinch in your seat. Teasing you always eased him.

           You turned and blinked. "Um yeah. You?"

           "I guess I'm not used to the floor." Yoongi scratched his head.

           "Sorry. My younger sister and the twins have the beds." You smiled apologetically.

           Yoongi shook his head as he took a seat. "No, don't be sorry. I'm not complaining. I'll get used to it in no time."

           "Want something to drink?" You offered.

           "What do you have?"

           "We make tea from scratch so I can pluck the leaves from the garden outside. If you want milk, I'll go get the cow."

           He froze in his seat. You burst out laughing, probably at his horrified expression. He relaxed, realizing you were kidding.

           "We do buy some groceries. Relax." You stood up. "Tea sound good?"

           "Yeah." he smiled, not expecting a joke from you.  

           You shuffled around the kitchen and he took a peek at what you were doing on the table. He recognized the planner that was always glued to your hand in the office. You were plotting out the next month already.

           "Wow..." he marveled as he skimmed through the pages. "You really are crazy."

           You shot him a disapproving look that had him grinning.

           "You even have the time you sleep scheduled??" he pointed. "And shower?!"

           You rushed over and snatched the planner away from him, obviously embarrassed. He smirked victoriously as you continued to tend to his tea without a word. Then he took the time to truly glance at you and found himself blushing. Long gone was your usual professional and uptight attire. You stood in front of him in a tattered and loose oversized shirt, and baggy basketball shorts. Your hair wasn't up in a tight bun and primly pinned back as it had been earlier, it was now down, slightly wavy and relaxed.

           "It's not as good as Leo's tea but yeah..." your voice pulled him out of his thoughts; he realized only now that you were standing in front of him expectantly.

           He blinked a few times to bring himself back to focus and after blowing on it a couple of times to cool it down, took small sip of the tea.

           "It's good." he smiled and watched as your body relaxed with his approval. Then you went about to make yourself some. "So what's a typical day around here like?"

           "What's this, an interview?"

           He smiled. "I'd like to know what I'm getting into."

           "Oh?" he watched as you turned, a playful smirk splaying on your face. "I thought you were more of a 'figure it out as you go' kind of guy."

           He sipped his tea, amused. "This is uncharted territory."

           "Interesting." You chuckled and took a seat beside him. "Well, in the morning, we get up when the roosters crow, which is when they spot the sunrise."

           He cringed at the thought of waking up before dawn.

           "Then we collect the new eggs the chickens laid. Mom usually makes breakfast while the younger ones go feed the animals. The older ones set up the equipment to head into the field for the day. Then we milk the cows and herd the sheep into the fresh pastures to graze. We also lead the pigs to the outside pen. Then we go to the fields and in this season, we tend to the crops and pick those that are ready for harvest and collect them. Sometimes we clean the stables too depending on how bad it is, groom the animals. It varies on need."

           Yoongi rested his face on the table and glanced up at you. "Are you serious?"

           "I'm serious." You smiled at him cheekily.

           "And I HAVE to do this?"

           "That's up to you." you giggled. "But my family is very coercive."

           He squinted at you skeptically.

           "Oh." You clapped and stepped into one of the rooms, coming out with a large fluffy blanket. "Here. You can use this. You can curl yourself up in a ball like usual and it'll kind of feel like a mattress underneath you."

           Yoongi reached out and grabbed it. It really was soft. He'd easily fall asleep with this hugging him.

           "Wow, this is great. Where'd you get it?"

           "Oh I made it." You grinned proudly. "There's lots of quality sheep wool inside the patterns."

           "Ahh." Yoongi remembered. "That's why you so easily tailored my suits and stuff."

           "I'm a woman of many talents." You smiled smugly.

           Yoongi chuckled. "Thanks for this."

           "Go rest up. You're going to need as much rest as you can get for tomorrow." You warned.

           "I'm afraid so." Yoongi stood up then glanced around. "Where do you sleep?"

           "Oh." He saw a dust of pink cover your cheeks. "I sleep in the living room."

           He furrowed his brows and looked over at the living room which had a ragged couch, a rocking chair, and a couple of wooden chairs surrounding a small wooden table.

           "Where..."

           You smiled warmly and pushed him towards the boy's room. "Get some rest, Mr. Min."

           He was trying to process where and how you were sleeping in that living room. Wasn't it cold? Was it comfortable? But you had ushered him back into the room with ease and he soon found himself wrapped inside your handmade blanket beside Leo. He was comfortable next to him and he didn't want his precious bodyguard to get cold. Plus, he wanted to see the man get flustered in the morning when he woke up beside him.

           Obnoxious screeching and heavy footsteps against the floor pierce through Yoongi's senses and stirred him awake. He groaned and reached his hand out, trying to find the source of the noise to turn it off. When he opened one eye, he found a bright pair of curious ones in front of his face. He gasped and stumbled away.

           "Good morning!" Tae grinned brightly. "You were like crawling but not really crawling just now. Were you having a dream?"

           Yoongi glanced around. It was just him and Tae in the room. Where did Leo go?

           "What is that noise?" he covered his ears, the irregularly rhythmic screech still ongoing.

           "Oh that's the rooster." Tae giggled. "He wakes us all up when the sun is starting to rise. That means it's the start of a new day of work!"

           "What?" Yoongi curled himself inside the blanket, not wanting to believe that people actually were raring to go this early in the morning.

           "Oh! That's noona's blanket ~" Tae pointed suggestively. "Did you two rendezvous last night??"

           "Tae." Your voice echoed at the doorway.

           Yoongi peeked out from his cocoon and spotted you in a pair of jeans and a flannel top, another casual look. Your hair was pulled back in a ponytail and you had your arms crossed as usual, wearing the stern look Yoongi was so familiar with. So was Tae apparently because he floated out of the room without complaints.

           "Let's go, Mr. Min. Jin laid out overalls for you to throw on, unless you want to wear your expensive leather jackets and hoodies to the barn." You nudged his body with your foot. "I warned you that you'd have to wake up early."

           He groaned and rolled around. "Where's Leo?"

           "Oh, he went running with Jin. Said something about wanting to scan the perimeter for any dangers." You restated.

           Yoongi exhaled and unrolled himself from the blanket. His hair was disheveled and his face felt undeniably puffy.

           "Wash your face and let's go. We have stuff to do. We'll start you off easy."

           "Define 'easy'?" Yoongi groaned.

           He caught you smirk as you took a step out of the room.

           "We're going to clean those dirty hoes you love so much."

           You stretched as you stepped out of your house, taking in the completely fresh air. It was one of the things you loved about still being home. It was like you got the best of both worlds--the bustling work life in the city and the relaxing weekend getaway feel of the countryside. During the week, you didn't see your family much and they never urged you to help out before you left or after you got home. Most of your pay went to your siblings anyway, and you really didn't mind. You liked encouraging them to dream big and giving them a safety net to do so.

           "So where are these hoes?" You heard Yoongi's playful tone behind you and you grinned.

           "Right this way, sir." You motioned towards the shed, taking in how much he had to roll up Jin's overalls because of their size difference.

           He glared at you. "I told you not to call me that."

           You giggled and walked forward. He followed you.

           Tae was sitting in the center of the shed with a rag, humming a tune while wiping down the tools in front of him.

           "This isn't hard, just tedious." You grabbed two fresh rags from the pile and chucked one at Yoongi. "We just clean them so they don't rust and they're all still effective when we take them out."

           "Gotcha." Yoongi glanced around. "Are there chairs?"

           You and Tae snickered.

           "Come sit by me, hyung." Tae patted the floor beside him.

           Yoongi did so and watched how Tae was doing it, mimicking his motions.

           Tae laughed. "There's no wrong way...just wipe it."

           "He's probably never had to clean anything before." You mentioned as you sat down in front of Yoongi.

           "So he doesn't even wipe his own butt?" Tae stared at Yoongi in awe.

           "Tae!" You blushed.

           "No." Yoongi whispered playfully. "Someone else does it for me."

           Tae gasped and gave him a thumbs up. "You're my hero!"

           You rolled your eyes at how gullible your cousin was.

           Tae continued to ask Yoongi questions about his life in the city and about rich people. Yoongi didn't seem to mind answering them. He'd add a story or two in there, which had Taehyung laughing without sound at how funny it was. You listened in, trying to hold back your own laughter. You still wanted to remain composed in front your boss after all.

           Suddenly Bacon and a beautiful large dog came running into the shed excitedly.

           "Soonshim! Bacon!" Tae opened his arms and the animals ran into his embrace.

           Yoongi glanced over at you curiously and you smiled.

           "Tae's an animal whisperer."

           "Ah." he raised his eyebrows, impressed.

           "He works as a vet in a small animal clinic nearby while he finishes up school." You disclosed.

           "Do they really have large hospitals JUST for animals in Seoul?" Tae's wide eager eyes had both you and Yoongi laughing.

           "Yeah. I know of a few." Yoongi mentioned.

           "REALLY?" Tae jumped up, causing Bacon to fall off his lap. "THAT'S LIKE MY DREAM!"

           "Is it?" Yoongi looked up at him, amused.

           You watched Tae and Yoongi chat with each other with ease.

           "What about Y/N?"

           You tuned in when your name was mentioned. "Hm?"

           Tae grinned, speaking for you. "She wants to be a CEO one day, and be a cool business woman. When she was young, she would stick wooden sticks under her slippers and pretend she was wearing high heels."

           You blushed, flustered by the way Yoongi was grinning at you fondly."T-tae, you can't just tell other people about my dream!"

           "What about you, hyung?" Tae chimed.

           Yoongi's face turned blank and he hummed. "I'm not actually sure..."

           Sensing Tae had accidentally hit a land mine, you stood up quickly. "I think these look clean now. How about we help out with collecting eggs?"

           "Yes!! I love egg hunting!" Tae sprung up excitedly and hurried out.

           "Here." You reached for Yoongi's freshly cleaned tool and he obliged.

           "So umm...how do we go about collecting the eggs? Is there some contraption that rolls them down?" he questioned.

           You laughed, "No. We're going to take them right from the chickens."

           His eyes threatened to leave its sockets. "What??"

           You had to drag him to the chicken coop by gripping tightly on his arm.

           "Y/N. You should know I don't like touching most animals. Dogs are fine. Even Bacon is good. But chickens...chickens are dangerous. So are cows. Cows are the DEVIL. And horses! They can all kill. They're going to take vengeance on the human race and kill us all."

           You rolled your eyes as you pulled him into the coop. Your young twin siblings were giggling as they chased the chickens around, providing a distraction so your younger sister and Tae can snatch up their eggs.

           "If my 7 year old siblings can do it, your grown ass can get in there." You encouragingly pushed him forward. "Tae, give Mr. Min some gloves."

           Tae glanced up with a blank expression. "Who's Mr. Min?"

           You exhaled and pointed at the man next to you, "Min Yoongi. Yoongi."

           Yoongi felt his lips curl up into a smile at hearing you say his first name for once.

           "Oh! Right!" Tae bounced up and got him thick gloves. "Now you have to time it perfectly. The chickens will peck you if you don't do it right."

           Yoongi gulped and took in a deep breath as he pulled the gloves over his hands. You bit your lip, trying not to crack up at his transparent nervousness. He was usually so relaxed and displayed an air of confidence, like nothing could faze him. But here he was, yielding to a coop full of chickens.

           You watched him with amusement as he cautiously padded inside with Tae. The twins and your younger sister were watching him curiously. He gripped onto Tae's sleeve anxiously and yelled out whenever a chicken skidded by. You covered your mouth out of respect, but the entire scene was hysterical.

           "It's okay, hyung. You can do it." Tae encouraged. "Twins, do your thing."

           The 7 year olds nodded and ran around chasing the chickens playfully, clearing the section with Yoongi.

           "Like this, Mr. Min." Your younger sister smiled warmly and showed him how to pick up the egg. "Put them in those crates outside of the fence."

           "I'll hold them up for you." You offered and lifted the egg crate up.

           Yoongi inhaled and exhaled as he crouched down, keeping an obvious close eye on the chickens, like he was doing something illegal. With a yelp, he grabbed the egg and waddled over to you, holding the one egg delicately and as far from his body as possible, like it was a ticking toxic gas bomb.

           "Good job, Mr. Min." You cooed, causing him to shoot you a glare at your obvious sarcasm. "Only a lot more eggs to go."

           You spotted the look of terror in his face, as he spotted the amount of eggs that had been laid on the ground.

           "Don't worry. With us three, we can get it done before breakfast is done!" Tae cheered. "Let's go, go, go!"

           Tae and your younger sister began humming a song and continued their work. Yoongi looked at you pleadingly, and you shrugged nonchalantly, enjoying this newfound power over him.

           "Why aren't you doing work?" he pointed.

           "I'm supervising so you don't slack of like usual, Mr. Min." You retorted.

           He scrunched his face at you in disapproval then stretched his back and legs, getting ready to crouch down along with the other two.

           "I'll show these chickens." he hummed.

           "Yes, Mr. Min. Turn up!" Tae exclaimed as Yoongi finally started picking up the eggs carefully and hurried his way to you to drop them off.

           You quite enjoyed seeing the adorable way he scurried back and forth, with a look of both astonishment and worry on his face whenever he succeeded in picking up an egg unscathed.

           "Ah! Ah! Ah!" He yelled whenever a chicken ran astray and close to him.

           He tiptoed away from it and soon the chickens were attracted to his odd little dance.

           "Get away from me! Gah!"

           The twins giggled and grabbed his hands on either side.

           "You're funny, Mister."

           "They won't hurt you."

           You watched as Yoongi stiffly stood in the middle of the crowd of chickens pecking at his boots with his eyes screwed shut. You laughed and entered to coop, figuring you should help him out, since it was his first time and all.

           "Come here Mr. Min." You pulled him away and gestured for the twins to grab food for the chickens.

           "Here ~" the twins handed you the bird feeder bag.

           "What's that?"

           "Since you're so popular with chickens, I figured you could help feed them." You smiled.

           "No. No thank you. Absolutely not."

           An obnoxious laugh erupted from the entrance causing everyone to look over.

           "Are you...chickening out Yoongi?" Jin cracked a joke, but no one reacted and went about their business.

           Jin laughed at himself and nudged Leo beside him. "Eh. Eh. That was funny! Cause he's in the chicken coop!"

           Leo pursed his lips in an attempt to hide his amusement, but couldn't stop himself from laughing along.

           "See? I made him laugh!" Jin interjected.

           "Cause he's laughing AT you, not with you, Oppa." Your younger sister emphasized.

           "Hand." You showed Yoongi your palm and he reluctantly mirrored you. You placed a handful of seeds into his palm and then in your own. Kneeling down, you whistled to get the chicken's attention and slowly, they bobbed their way over to your hand. You pulled at Yoongi's jeans to urge him to crouch down. With a nervous sigh, he did.

           "Ah!" he whined as their beaks dipped into his palm. "They're attacking me!"

           You rolled your eyes. "They're eating, Mr. Min."

           "Their beaks! My skin is going to be ripped!" he dramatically complained.

           "This ajhussi is funny." One of the twins stood beside him.

           "And his hair reminds me of cotton candy." the other smiled. "Will it taste like it too?"

           "No." You scolded and eyed the two troublesome youngsters.

           They reached out, petting Yoongi's hair innocently.

           "Fluffy." They giggled then went to play with Tae who was dancing around with two eggs in his palm, clearly in his own little world.

           "If you're like this with the chickens, you'll be ten times funnier with the rest of the animals." You snorted.

           "The rest?" Yoongi cried.

           "Maybe we'll just have you herd the sheep for today." You smirked as you stood up and wiped your hands clean. "Before you help out at the field, that is."

           He groaned then screamed when a chicken nipped at his empty palm. In a flash, he was scrambling to stand up.

           "I'll have you know I ate your cousins fried!" He retaliated childishly towards the chickens.

           Everyone in the barn was roaring with laughter at his comment. He looked around, puzzled at first, but then he grinned widely as he took a good look at everyone heartily enjoying themselves. This definitely wasn't boring way to spend time.

           But herding sheep for Min Yoongi wasn't any easier.

           On the flip side, it was even more entertaining for everyone. Your parents even took out the camera just to record him running away as fast he could from the sheep frolicking after him. You learned that he was an insanely speedy runner, for someone who didn't like doing much all day. In the end, Leo and Tae had to come in and save him while you properly herded the sheep into the fresh pasture.

           You walked back into the house after washing your hands, the scent of freshly cooked eggs and bacon filling your nostrils. Your family shot you suggestive glances as you entered the kitchen, and you realized they all had left a seat open beside Yoongi. You rolled your eyes and took a seat, unaffected.

           "I'm not sure how I feel about this." Yoongi frowned as he stared at his plate then at Bacon who was eating something in the corner. "How do you all not turn vegetarian?"

           Tae giggled. "Because it tastes good."

           Yoongi nodded in agreement. "Thank you for the food, Mrs. Y/L/N."

           "Dear, I told you to call me Mom." your mom smiled as she sat down, wiping her freshly washed hands on her apron.

           "Thanks...mom." Yoongi blushed and you smiled slightly, remembering how he had lost his own parents at a young age. It must be weird for him to call someone that after all these years.

           Your mom grinned and threw more bacon on his plate lovingly. "Now eat up. Feel free to get seconds and thirds. Tae and Jin always do. There's enough for everyone to get several helpings."

           "You'll need it." You bantered. "Today's probably the most activity I've ever seen you do."

           "Yeah, I could eat a whole cow." he answered lightly.

           "I thought cows were the devil." You grinned playfully.

           "I could still eat them." he shrugged.

           You caught Tae smirk and wiggle his eyebrows at you from across the table. Embarrassed, you kicked his leg underneath.

           "OW!" Jin cried out. "Who kicked me?!"

           You and Tae looked away, feigning innocence, while everyone else continued to ravage away at their meal.

           After breakfast, you left Yoongi and Leo in Jin, Tae, and your father's care, while you tended to your own duties with your mom and sisters. When you all reconvened for dinner later that day, Yoongi looked like he had gone through war and back. His face was gaunt and weak, and he was slightly stumbling on his own feet. Leo guided him firmly into the house.  

           "What did you do to him?" You mused as Yoongi retreated to the bedroom without a word.

           "Well we carried things here and there. Did the usual harvesting routine. He helped out, but struggled. He's not used to heavy lifting it seems so his muscles are probably shot." Jin frowned worriedly. "Hopefully he's okay. We tried to take it easy today, but we do have a schedule."

           "It's okay." You chuckled. "I'm sure he's just resting. He'll be okay."

           "Honey, here." Your mom handed you a packet. "Put these medicinal patches on his back to soothe the muscles."

           You exhaled. "Why don't Tae and Jin do it?"

           "No way." Tae giggled and shoved the patches into your hands. "I'm sure he'd rather have you ~ do it."

           "Don't do anything. It's still our bedroom." Jin warned.

           "Like I'd do anything! Pfft." You rolled your eyes and stormed into the room, to hide your growing blush. You were sure your whole family meeting was heard by Yoongi on the other side of the wall. But when you found him, snoring, face-down on the ground, in just his boxers, you thanked the lucky stars he didn't.

           "Good work today, Mr. Min." You mumbled as you knelt beside him, pressing the patches onto the tensed muscles of his back.

           He groaned as you pushed down on his knots, stirring awake. "Y/N."

           You blushed. "Sorry, did I wake you?"

           You showed him the herb patches. "I just wanted to make sure I was putting them where it's most tense."

           "I'm so exhausted." he yawned. "How are you still functioning?"

           You smiled. "I'm used to it I guess. I was raised doing this."

           He sat up groggily. "But I'm also starving, so I'm glad you woke me up."

           "Dinner's almost ready."

           "Mmkay."

           He spun around, showing his back to you, allowing you to place the patches on him more easily.

           "Can you massage my shoulders?" he requested. "I feel like I'm wearing shoulder pads."

           You chuckled and kneaded your fingers against his skin, trying not to think about how he was only wearing one thin piece of fabric in front of you. Your mind instead wandered to how soft his skin felt, smooth like a baby's, and glowingly white, like the fresh milk you had gather earlier today.

           You realized that his body had grown limp under your touch and he was no longer grunting at the pain. You peeked over and found him sound asleep, with his head hanging down carelessly. You smiled to yourself as you eased him down onto his pillow. But he shivered and rolled over, trying to find some sort of warmth, which so happened to be your lap. You inhaled sharply at the contact as he nuzzled his head comfortably. His hands were gripping the side of your jeans tightly.

           "Um..." You bit your lip.

           His mouth hung open and soft snoring was soon heard; his body rising and falling rhythmically. You yawned, watching him made you feel sleepy too.

           After a few minutes, your legs started tingling. They were asleep and when you went to shift your position, you felt pins and needles shoot all over your leg. You winced and hurriedly shook Yoongi awake. He shot up urgently from your hurried shakes.

           "What? What?" he frantically looked around the room.

           "My legs... my legs are asleep." You whined.

           "Oh shit." he realized that it was because of him and scrambled to lay a hand on your leg.

           "AHHH!" You screamed as he slowly moved your legs from underneath you.

           You gripped at his shirt, tears forming in your eyes. It was painful, but it also slightly tickled. You weren't sure how to react.

           "Lay back. I'll massage it." he instructed worriedly.

           You covered your eyes so he couldn't see that you were starting to cry and got on your back. He lifted your leg and massaged your calves roughly, making you yell out again.

           Suddenly, the door burst open and your hand flew away from your face, realizing what the entire situation might look like. Yoongi was still half naked to make matters worse.

           You were horrified as you found your older brother, Jin, standing at the door in pure shock, his eyes wide and his mouth parted. Leo was beside him nodding approvingly, his face unchanging as always.

           "Oppa... I..." You stammered to explain.

           Then Tae appeared beside Jin curiously and his face oppositely turned into a seductive grin.

           "Ooo la la~" he giggled.

           "Tae..." You tried to sound threatening but your heart raced worriedly at what mischievous thought had run through his mind.

           "Auntie! ~ GET THE BABY CRIBS BACK OUT! YOU GON' BE A G-MA!" Tae announced happily.  

           You groaned and covered your face in shame while Yoongi slowly lay down and rolled himself silently into his blanket cocoon.

           This was going to be a looongg punishment.

PART 4