#too much autism + fatigue in here at this time unfortunately!

[b-blushes]

hello does anyone have any actualplay dnd podcasts that they like. vital: cannot have background music sorry i cannot process layers of audio enjoyably like that :(

OH VITAL EDIT: i like it to be funny! idk if there are serious ones; my sample size includes one dnd podcast made by improv friends

[tavyliasin]

Disability Pride Month and BG3!

It’s Disability Pride Month! And you know what that means, right? No? Well it has been ages and I’ve long been casually planning a series of short (maybe) essays around the parallels to disability - and the clearer disability representation - throughout Baldur’s Gate 3 in both the characters and the story. So what better month than this to finally work on them and bring them out?

Whilst I do have some personal lived experience with disability, this doesn’t account for every type of condition or all the ways that different disabilities affect so many of us. Two people with the same condition can have quite a different lived experience, and even the condition itself can vary significantly. So what I mean to say here, loves, is that if you have a differing opinion, or there’s something I’ve missed, or you’d just like to add your thoughts - please do just that! 

I welcome hearing from all of you about how you relate to the game through your own lived experiences, and what the characters can mean to you. Representation isn’t always clear, but honestly I think when we look closer we can see parts of all kinds of experiences reflected through the characters and story. So, what I intend to do is create a series of essays, looking in depth at the potential parallels we can see in each of the main companions that I’m most familiar with (unfortunately I don’t know Minthara well enough to include her in this, but I would welcome input from others!) and then perhaps some of the other characters. These pieces are not meant to be diagnostic in any way, or claiming “this character has this illness”, but instead is a look at how the characters and their stories and details can be similar to real world disability and health, and how different people might find ways to relate to their experiences through this. Links will be edited in here as the essays are completed!

Planned Disability Discussion Posts

Karlach - Terminal Illness (Completed) Wyll - Sudden Physical Change (Traumatic Incident) (Completed) Gale - Chronic Illness, Autism (Completed) Astarion - Complex Needs, Specialised Diets, and Addiction (Completed) Lae’zel - Ableism, Eugenics, and More Neurodiversity (Completed) Shadowheart - Memory Difficulties, Depression, Fluctuating Chronic Pain (Completed) Halsin - Carer Fatigue and The End Of The Path Of Healing (Completed)

--- I'm not sure how quickly I'll get through posting these as I'm having a tough time with my own physical health right now - isn't that ironic? - but I do intend to get through at least this list by the end of July in between fic writing and other projects.

If you would like to suggest other characters, storylines, or disability related topics in BG3 please let me know! I'd love to hear how you all relate to the game and the characters from these angles too, and I might be willing to add things to this list if I can.

Lia's Disability Experience

As a little peek behind the curtain (and for full disclosure that I'm not an abled person here to talk over disabled experiences) without giving you too much of myself on the single plate, my lived experience is with an unpredictable chronic pain condition as well as a few other chronic illnesses and disability issues. I'm a wheelchair user, partially ambulatory (essentially I can shamble around in my home with assistance but outside the house I rely on my wheels), and my most prevalent symptom is constant pain. I have made vague references to these things in a few works and the experience does provide me with some fic inspiration for a couple of works. I'm far too familiar with Loviatar's embrace, but I feel this is something that can be used to my advantage at times like these where I can examine the characters and storylines from angles that abled people might not consider.

Your Input!

I really would love to hear from all of you - what other characters do you feel reflect some of the lived experiences of disabled people? Are there any that you connected to? Did you find the game was accessible for you to play as a disabled person? What do you wish you saw more of in the game or in games in general? This month really is an important one for awareness and understanding, as well as finding things in ourselves to be proud of that don't fall into the categories of "inspiration porn" or the kinds of internalised ableism that can drive some of us to push too hard to work against our conditions instead of with and around them leading to more issues.

Remember - The Disabled Community is the one minority that anyone could become a part of at any time. Advocating for our rights could also be advocating for your own future or that of a loved one.

[anexperimentallife]

Life/Health Update

The thing we've been most worried about is the damage to my heart from COVID and anti-inflammatories. BP has been slowly going down over the past few months, so that would seem to indicate that at least SOME of the damage to my heart is healing. Let's hope. Need to get all those tests done again to know for sure, but for now they've taken me off one of my BP meds, so that's promising. (This was the main thing we were considering trying to get back to the states for, so I could use my medical benefits.) The rest of the stuff impacts quality of life, but isn't directly life-threatening, so if the other issues have to wait, they have to wait.

The hole in my throat still needs closed up. That will probably be the priority once we get my mouth issues (below) sorted. This one is kind of dangerous, as food, medication, and liquids often get stuck in there, and can throw off med dosages and sometimes cause me to choke. Been lucky so far, I guess.

One place in my jaw still pokes through inside, and another is threatening to. If those places don't start reabsorbing within the next few days, they'll have to open up the inside of my mouth AGAIN to file them down. So I'm gumming my food for at least another eight weeks before we can do anything about new teeth.

We're able to get the eye drops that take down the swelling in my retina fairly regularly now, so here's hoping that if I keep using them for three more months they'll have some kind of permanent effect. Probably still need surgery on that eye, though. Sucks that this happened to my formerly good eye--it used to have 20/10 vision. Temperature seems to play a role in the amount of fun-house-mirror-vision, but we live in the tropics, so not much to do about that. (We live in the mountains, so it's not as bad as the lowlands, but AC is rare up here.)

I don't think the cataract in the other eye has gotten too much worse, but that's obviously going to need surgery eventually, as well. If I can come out of this with one good eye, I'll consider myself lucky.

Brain fog (combination of long COVID, ADHD, Autism, and a traumatic brain injury) is still bad, but not as bad as it was. Nothing to do about that but wait.

My spine injuries are still an issue, with occasionally arm cramping/paralysis that used to be JUST in my right arm, but now sometimes spreads to my left. At least the cramping keeps the muscles toned? (Trying to look at the bright side here.) Neck exercises and stretching help with that, as does ice. (I mean, yeah, there's the constant pain, too, but that's the least of my concerns.)

Still need that second foot surgery, because the cauterization didn’t completely take from the last one; not only am I open for another infection (like the two-year one that an infectious disease specialist finally cleared up for me), but walking is pretty painful, too, even if I’m not talking about joint injuries.

Joint injuries... Hoo boy. Definitely gonna need a hip replacement eventually, and probably both knees.

I have chronic fatigue now, plus every pre-existing condition and old injury I had has been exacerbated by long COVID. It sucks. My stamina is improving little by little, though.

Treatment for all of the medical stuff has to wait for one thing at a time to be affordable. My health was stable until COVID, but now... Damn. Unfortunately, COVID came around around the time we found out we were having a baby, and four bouts of COVID have left my health completely fucked and exacerbated all my old injuries.

(If you're new here, you may not know that the licensing contract to convert some of my old fiction to a game--which, fortunately, did not count as "work income" for social security purposes--got canceled just weeks after El was born, meaning our income dropped way down, and that a snafu with Eleanor's birth certificate made her stateless, which took every bit of our savings plus the proceeds from a fundraiser to correct. If not for the combo of COVID and El's birth certificate snafu, we'd be fine both medically and financially.)

I'm working on plotting out more Quiet World and Alex And stuff, which I'll be shopping around, but frankly, even if it sells, it probably won't be much. (If you were here in 2013, you may remember that I had just started to have success selling my fiction to pro markets when my sons died, which threw me for a loop for several years, so I have to start over building a reputation.)

We've considered a move back to the US to use my medical benefits, but a) that'd be expensive af, and b) the US may be on the edge of becoming a military dictatorship, so even if we had the money for it, we'd want to wait to see what November holds.

So yeah, that's what's been going on with my health and our finances. As always, @thesurestthing and Baby El bring me joy, and my sort-of-adopted niece @geniussheepworld is a great help to all of us.

With so many people in the world suffering so much, I am reluctant to post a funding link. We are MOSTLY financially stable--it's just that we have to save up for my medical stuff while we work to finish paying off about 11K USD of debt from El's paperwork thing and all the medical whammies (and thank you to everyone who has helped already)--but if you want to help with that, the best link is either our paypal donation link or Ko-Fi.

[birdofmay]

hi i hope you r doing well I hope it’s ok to ask but i don’t know what support need/level I fit into could u help give any advice/insight?. I read over everything in your pinned but I’m still stuck bc I’m worried to label myself wrongly. can u help at all? I am open to any thoughts u have.. can u relate to my experience at all as a higher support autistic?

I feel like my sensory issue are severe and interfere w my ability to wear most clothes and just daily life stuff, I feel very overwhelmed and broken by change, struggle so much with driving that it’s dangerous, can struggle to process things and do it slowly, I am verbal but have loss episodes and in general barely talk bc social/communication issues,

very difficult to maintain and make relationships, I don’t know if I mask or not bc I feel like even if I were to try to I still seem autistic and mess it up despite some people telling they think I’m high functioning(but then turn around and tell me I’m r slur bc of my autism behaviors), I struggle with hygiene and eating drinking bc I don’t feel the cues or bc of executive dysfunction pain fatigue or sensory issues,

I have motor/pain/muscular issues (mobility worsening and affecting my ability to do things like go up stairs and walk) and I do occupational therapy and it does cause me to not be able to do certain things myself like wash/do my hair and Its a struggle to shower my body too, cannot exercise either bc of POTS

I can go in public but I do it with people bc the surroundings seem overwhelming, I do not have a job currently and I know it would be so hard on me but I am going to college and eventually will be forced to get one, struggle to use utensils to eat and struggle with tasks/instructions when not done right in front of me 1on1 like a million times, I have a lot of stims and a lot of harmful to myself ones, often info dumping about special interest

I can’t handle/fully understand money/taxes/bills, it’s hard for me to prepare meals, struggle to eat much bc of GI issues and jaw fatigue, do laundry, and manage chores, and manage medications, extreme issue with organization, learning disabled, get overwhelmed/meltdown/shutdown very easily

I’m not sure what else to add to take into consideration (can u give ideas) or how to tell which level and support need this fits as .. like I guess I’m not low support bc I do need help with BADLS as I mentioned but I I don’t know if it’s wrong of me to say I’m high support or medium support or a flux of both?.. and have no idea with “levels” I was dx with a level but feel like it’s incorrect .. and based on what I said which BADLS and IADLS do I need help with and how many is that? It’s confusing :(

Here's the relevant section of my FAQ post

"I don't know what support needs I'd be considered!"

Do you have care needs? No? Then you're not high support needs, you're most likely low or low-to-mid support needs.

My country re-assesses my support needs regularly; if you're medium or high support needs and weren't medically neglected your whole life, you'd normally know that you're medium or high support needs already, because that's tested (if you're not sure, check the documents). But testing is different from country to country.

Unless, of course, something happened recently that you now suddenly need a lot of help, definitely more than before. In this case there likely wasn't any testing yet. But in that case I can't help you either, because I don't test you.

Note because this still is a common misunderstanding: The DSM-5 says for example "Autism level 1: Requires support", but the support that's meant there has nothing to do with the support needs we're talking about in this and in the linked post. It's a little unfortunate that both say "support" because people always think it's the same when it really really isn't ☝🏼

I feel like you're mixing up autism levels and support needs still, because the first part of what you wrote (sensory issues, social stuff) is relevant for your level, but not for a support needs/care level assessment.

Maybe read the linked post and the support needs post (linked within the linked post) again but pay attention to the "Who determines if you're low, medium or high support needs (if you have support needs)?" post this time 🤔

Autism levels are given to you by professionals and not to be "guessed" - that's why I don't know what level I'd be considered (we don't have levels), and don't even further think about what level I'd be because I simply don't have a level. You can disagree with the level of course, but when talking about levels you then don't say "I'm level [guessed level]", but "I was diagnosed level [diagnosed level] but think I'm actually higher/lower".

Same goes for support needs. Not "I'm [guessed support needs]" but "I'm [assessed support needs]" or "I think I'm somewhat [guessed support needs]".

It's not a handy personality test self-categorization thing. It's something that's tested. By professionals. Only.

[gl00mxstar]

I think I'm getting better now

I don't feel like shit this much right after waking up and when I do sometimes it goes away on it's own a bit quicker

my 'seemingly out of nowhere or from stress and physical activity pains' are less painful that what they used to be in the past few years and even tho I still can't do that much it's way better than I thought I could get

since I both dropped out of high school (and apprenticeship too) and it was literally too late to do anything bc it was almost end of school year I'm not 'obliged' to see people or go to place where stress anxiety and fatigue eat me alive

with 3 above comes better sleep too I can go to sleep and wake up whenever I want without a worry so it helped a lot too I also can sleep less and feel better (I realize how ridicilous it sounds but I always felt like shit when sleeping '8h like a normal person' but when I slept for only few hours I felt really good energetic and refreshed)

I'm more energetic and feel actual motivation to do stuff get better and rather than 'I wanna have bare minimum of living conditions to survive and not go insane' it's 'I wanna make my life better to actually live and enjoy it'

I've managed to take better care of my emotions and even open up more to 'right people' and not bottle them up or turn them into just self depricating jokes like I always did I even vented 2 times (first time 5h and second around 3/3,5h I swear I would have never thought I'll ever do it and for such a long time too I know I def wouldn't manage to when I was younger) also treating tumblr as my personal diary and venting helped too I don't really care if haters or someone I know irl sees my posts if they see this and are gonna have a problem with that it means we just never meant to be friends honestly it's better this way since from that I'm gonna have an easy way of getting to know this

for the one above thank you friends I've made in the past few years also to dca fandom and furry community ya'll have one of the most welcoming people there it's hard to feel uncomfortable and bottle up the emotions around you don't change ever 🫶 (ig it's easy to see someone's struggling when you have first hand experience sobs /hj)

after years of struggling to understand 'what is wrong with me' in everyday life and school I realized I have autism and adhd (thank you reddit tons of articles online and friends with autism 🤝) unfortunately the healthcare sucks where I live especially the mental so I can get a proper diagnosis but I'm 100% sure it's that and knowing what is 'wrong' with me takes away a lot of weight off my shoulders and I finally don't feel bad abt having stuff like sensory issues and problems with understanding certain social norms etc

I learned to go out to buy groceries without being on the brink of a panic attack again so now it's the same as it was when I was younger while I don't like doing it at least I can actually go and buy something

I can now bake again without being reminded of the time I was stuck as an apprentice in horrible work environment were even faint smell of dough or vanilla sugar outside of the workplace were enough to be triggering

I'm finally getting back my 'bad mouth and attitude' as others liked to say when I disagreed with something when they thought they were the smartest person in the room while being wrong so I can now say what I really think and not cry while literally just defending myself and my personal opinions so again going back to how I was when I was younger

I'm a bit less worried abt my cats since the vet clinic was opened in my village (the one where there are actual ppl working here and not just pretending I still don't get it how they were making any money since they weren't open most of the time) and even though I still don't have money for the vet at the very least once I get enough I'll have it close to get them to one

I have way less suicidal thoughts now I hope one day I can get it to 0 or at the very least to 'random thought of remembering the bad past'

I'm trying to speak english outloud to try and learn the right pronunciation (I know what the word is supposed to sound like but I have problems with speaking even in my native language) also I'll try to make phone calls and leave voice messages once I feel more brave to do so I also have in plans trying to read some fics or books to get both my spoken english and reading skills better at the same time since I'm terrible at reading outloud too

I managed to switch from traditional art to digital decently quickly imo and now that I even draw a lot faster than I used to the thought of actually making a living from art seems way less insane now

I've made few good friends both irl and online that I have common interests with and that I'm vibing with hopefully once the weather gets less intense and my health get better and I'll have some money to go out we'll meet

I have one of them keep asking me to go out she's so sweet 😭💕

[magnuficentwo]

4, 8, 9, 12, 13 :3

Hellooooo :3 [ask game in question !]

4- Do you know any disabled people irl ? What about online ?

I know at least like 2 or so people in my school who are physically disabled, and most of my friend group is some flavour of neurodivergent anyway. I don't have a lot of chances to get out there on my own accounts as it currently is unfortunately so my sample group is very small </3. As for online, yeah there's definetly a lot more there ! Shoutout to all my disabled homies I love u

8- Does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity ?

Boy does it ever (/silly). Pretty much all aspects of my life are affected by my neurodivergence (Mainly autism/OCD) and chronic fatigue, but I think the part that this shows through the most is with my culture. For a long time, I thought I was embarrassed of my culture and how I interacted with it in my day to day life, but as it turns out, it was never really my heritage's fault. I am straight up just Built Different and can't interact with it the intended way (+ americanization is a very real thing kids).

For an example, Brazil is LOUD. It is VERY loud. Music, politics, even just regular conversations about whatever, people are loud just as a default. This makes things hard to navigate for me, someone who has audio processing issues. I have to account for every little sound that people make whenever I go out because I genuinely will start getting so overwhelmed I will get physically ill. And this is just like, another part of my life you know ? I find I do better whenever I have a distraction like headphones or my phone, so I'll always have those in clutch with me.

Queerness is another thing i feel like messes me up. Being autistic generally means I have a pretty nebulous idea of what everything is, and my queer experience is just another one of those things. But ultimately, knowing I have full control over what happens to my identity and labels and everything is just super comforting, as someone who isn't very used to being in control of things yk ? I define what each of these things mean to me and that makes it way way easier :]

9- How do you measure your energy ?

I like the battery the most !!! One because it makes me feel like a cool robot, and two because it feels more concrete. Its like put that beast on a number scale

12- What's something people don't realize about your disability ?

I gotta be honest here, it's very much how much people will underestimate how the disability affects my behavior.

I'm pretty open about being autistic, and I do try my best to explain to people about the Chronic Fatigue stuff, but they'll just like. Most of the time ignore the fact I've told them about it ? And just treat me the Exact Same as everyone else. Don't get me wrong ! I don't want to be different ! I'm a person just like you ! But you guys *do need* to acknowlege I have very severe differences to you that will seem odd if you have no context for them. People have called me "mean" and "too literal" for not understanding cues before. People have called me lazy and entitled for not being able to participate in certain activities like everyone else before. And it's just another one of those things ! It's kind of a cycle in a way, where I have to explain myself for behaviors everyone is very aware I do, but never want to remember why.

I didn't mean to get venty lol. Anyway be nice to disabled people about issues that are VERY LITERALLY outside their control challenge

13 - What's the most Able Person Thing someone has ever said to you ?

Luckily, I mask well enough so that people don't usually bug me about my shit, but I've heard people say some genuinely baffling stuff before. My mom's side of the family especially.

My uncle has an autistic kid. She's nonverbal, often walking on her tiptoes, pale as they come– Poster child of "visible autism" pretty much. And he Does Not like that at ALL. He'll often complain about her behaviors and how she repeatedly does things after he tells her not to, plus some other ableist bullshit. Well, one beautiful day, I am playing with her while everyone's talking and eating. He looks over at us, and says something along the lines of "Wow [Mael], you and [Kids Name] really get along ! I'd almost think YOU were autistic by how well you can play with her !" And I just........stared for a second. Like yeah, you're not wrong, but GENUINELY what does that mean !!!!!!!!!!

[selective-mute-culture-is]

hi, not a submission but a question. how does selective mutism differ from semi-verbalism? i think i’m one of the two and i’d like to share my experience(s) here if that’s OK. my apologies for the rant and long ask.

when i get upset i don’t talk, like at all. i completely shut down and gaze at the floor. sometimes i can answer yes or no questions but until i collect my thoughts, stop crying, and calm down i don’t say a word. i feel more comfortable to myself and speaking fatigues me to a certain extent (i have diagnoses relating to that).

also, with speech: lately it’s been hard to speak. like, i know what i want to say but i either repeat words endlessly (ex. saying “i, i, i, uhh… i uhh..” until i can finally say “i don’t know what i want to eat.”), get too frustrated with trying to order my words that i refuse to say anything at all, or stare into the abyss trying to find things i should be saying to fill empty space. half of the time i don’t even know what to say or how to say it. i’m also pretty sure i’m plural so maybe it could be headmates in the background somehow, somewhere?

it also makes me super upset because i love to write and express myself through that form—i’m learning French and German too!—so struggling like i do makes me upset. i get super fed up with it. i say things to myself like “well.. if i can write extremely fluently and read it in my head even more beautifully, why am i spending 5 minutes trying to tell my mother that i need her to help me brush my hair?”

it might be worth noting my autism and inattentive ADHD diagnoses (professionally by a doctor if it matters) and with them come similar complaints and complications.

but uh. sorry for the ramble. hope you can help, thank you so much ♡

It sounds very similar, honestly! The only difference is that we with selective mutism don't have to be crying or upset, it often just happens. Like a switch that turns off and we're struggling to turn it back on.

I'm not certain if autism or ADHD have anything to do with selective mutism, because I am neither of those things, so I unfortunately cannot relate. That's the best way I can describe it, but it's different for everyone! Some people choose to go mute (from what I've heard, anyway), and others are like me, who get force-switched.

Hope this helps! ♡

[johannestevans]

Return to Normal Business

Hello!

I've been juggling a lot of health issues recently, and as a result of this I'd unfortunately dropped off my regular update schedule for a few months. I'll now be returning to the normal schedule, and a weekly update of works most recently published will be coming out on Saturdays going forward - this summary will be dispatched directly to inboxes by email via ButtonDown, as well as posted on  Tumblr.

I will be posting from Wales instead of Ireland for the foreseeable future, and as well as the usual retinue of TweetFic, essays and analysis, short fiction, and serial updates, I'm currently on a big Star Trek kick, and as well as posting episode analyses and likely specifically Star Trek: Deep Space Nine-themed essays , I'm also writing a bit of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine fanfiction at the moment!

If you're a fan of DS9 or Star Trek, it might be to your taste, but fanfic isn't part of any of my subscription models and of course, being fanfiction of a property that's not in the public domain, it won't be posted behind a paywall on Patreon or Medium - fanfiction will be posted on Ao3. It's just a little hobby stuff I'm doing on the side, so if people are into it, great, and if not, hopefully it's not too annoying in amongst the rest!

I'm going to put a summary of everything I've published since I last put out my weekly round-up in July and from here on, we'll be returning to our usual scheduled round-up each week.

Thanks so much for the patience and all the love, everybody! I'm feeling far, far better and much recovered compared to how I was a few months ago, and everyone's support has been lovely.

Summary of New Works Published

Serial Update: Powder and Feathers

Chapter Forty-Nine: Party Favour. Jean-Pierre and Aimé orchestrate their gangbang.

This chapter is pure filth.

Chapter content warnings: levels of dubious consent and consensual non-consent, with other men under the impression that Jean-Pierre is drunk; object insertion; messy sex; power exchange and power play; manipulation; rape fantasy; referenced violence; transphobia and misgendering; homophobia

Read on Medium / / Read on WorldAnvil

Serial Updates: An Uncommon Betrothal

Several updates of An Uncommon Betrothal have come out over the past few months, so I'm just going to pop a list of them all here!

Chapter Four: Read on Medium / / Read on WorldAnvil

Chapter Five: Read on Medium / / Read on WorldAnvil

Chapter Six: Read on Medium / / Read on WorldAnvil

Chapter Seven: Read on Medium / / Read on WorldAnvil

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Episode Analyses

This is a new format I’m going to be experimenting while working my way through Star Trek: Deep Space Nine over the next few months — I’ve seen the whole series many times before, and it’s my plan to do these write-ups which will be a mix of blog and live-reaction, character and story analysis and commentary, and other ephemera and thoughts on the show and the episode itself.

Effectively, the purpose of this and the other entries going forward is to do close-readings of each episode I have in front of me.

My main interests in watching Deep Space Nine are typically in queer-coding, the depiction of neurodivergence, mental illness, and disability, and in the Cardassians and the Ferengi.

S1:E1-E2 Emissary Part 1 & 2: Read on Medium / / Read on Patreon / / Read on Ao3

S1:E3 A Man Alone: Read on Medium / / Read on Patreon / / Read on Ao3

S1: E4 Past Prologue: Read on Medium / / Read on Patreon / / Read Ao3

TweetFic: A King's Man

The nastiest, NASTIEST men in this one, when an assassin is caught by his mark, the king, and held captive.

CW for violence, manipulation, heavily weighted power dynamics, consent issues, threats, and general MEAN Men.

Read on Twitter

Romance Short: The Blacksmith and the Florist

Romantic short: a chronically fatigued enchanter becomes fascinated with one of the neighbours. Adapted from a TweetFic — short and sweet! Discussions of chronic fatigue and pain throughout. Rated T, M/M, 2.3k.

Read on Medium / / Read on Patreon

Star Trek Deep Space Nine Fanfic: Tease

Garak/Bashir, Rated M, 1.5k. In the aftermath of the incident with Tahna Los, Garak catches Julian on the way back to his quarters.

Read on Ao3

Star Trek Deep Space Nine TweetFic: Aging Men

Garak/Bashir, bickering about growing older, dialogue only.

Read on Twitter

TweetFic: On The Job

Silly little slice of life and flirtation between a hotel receptionist and the new maintenance guy! Short and sweet.

Read on Twitter

Star Trek Deep Space Nine Fanfic: Interpersonal Studies

Fanfic serial. Garak/Bashir, Rated E, 15k+.

Garak and Julian work to get the measure of one another, each of them trying to see what's hidden under the other man's skin.

Playing with a lot of the canon relationship development but actually letting them touch and play with one another - leaning into Bashir's autism and his status as an augment from the beginning, not to mention his analysis of Garak, and Garak's own analysis of him.

Read on Ao3

Erotic Short: Suspended Pleasures

Rope bondage and potion play in the apothecary’s office. Rated E. 1k. M/M short between a cis apothecary and a trans partner.

Age difference, suspension bondage, overstimulation, crying, come inflation, and fear of getting caught, as well as mentions of exhibitionism.

Read on Medium / / Read on Patreon

Erotic Short: Fit For Purpose

Supervillains and superheroes, but with massive cocks and stretchy bodies. Oh, yes, you read that right.

M/M explicit short between a huge cis male alien superhero and a trans man supervillain with whole-body elasticity. 4.2k.

Silly and light in humour, but extreme on the porn! Featuring pheromones (mildly dubious consent for this, but both parties use pheromones to get their way, and are enthusiastically into it), come inflation, huge size difference, unrealistic sex, alien dicks, prodigious amounts of come, dom/sub, mild corporal punishment, undernegotiated kink, rough sex, objectification, dirty talk.

Read on Medium / / Read on Patreon

[nano-the-robot-blog]

A Vent

Hello. My name is nano (not really, of course), I’m an art student from rural Britain, and I really need a place to vent right now. I don’t know if anyone will read this, or if any of those people will know me, but at this point I don’t really care.

Since childhood, I’ve lived a very privileged life. My family aren’t well off but we get by, my father has always had a job and my mother has always looked after my brother and I. They have their flaws and we’ve had our arguments, but my parents really are amazing. However, unfortunately, that doesn’t grant me ease of passage through life - especially with the world in the state it’s in right now.

I know that I have it much better than a lot of people, and I have always known that. I tend to get things in halves. I have autism spectrum disorder, but I’m not nonverbal and most people don’t even notice. I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, but I’m not wheelchair-bound. I have depression and anxiety, but I’ve never attempted suicide. I have an atypical eating disorder, not anorexia or bulimia (for those out there who do suffer with any of the things I’ve mentioned, my heart goes out to you. I may never understand your struggle but I will always strive to do the best I can to help, and I hope that you can all get through your respective hardships).

Now, as you can probably tell, I’m a very average person. Average height, average weight, average education and average skill levels. My brother, on the other hand, is a little less conventional. He has moderate to severe autism with learning difficulties which he was diagnosed with at quite a young age, and although he has yet to be diagnosed with it, my mother swears that he has pathological demand avoidance. He is also fairly tall and quite overweight, making him a formidable opponent.

These factors add up - the autistic meltdowns, the avoidance of any helpful behaviour and the refusal of commands and the sheer size of him - to make him an absolutely unbearable person to live with. He frequently attacks my family and I, both physically and verbally and with varying degrees of severity. It gets to the point, fairly often, that the police have to be called. My entire family have had to literally sit on his back in order to restrain him before, and it only gets worse once he is taken into hospital. At one point, he had four fully trained, adult police officers holding him down on a hospital bed. He’s had handcuffs, leg braces, the whole nine yards. It’s hell for everyone else in the family - and not just the humans. We have a menagerie of pets in the house as we are all animal lovers (aside from my father, though he does adore our dogs) and, though my brother doesn’t directly hurt them, the effect on them is clear. Our two dogs, one a huge Labrador/Rottweiler/Springer cross and the other a tiny Jack Russel/Pug mix, are utterly terrified every time he kicks off. They can even feel the tension in the air when we’re “walking on thin ice”, as my mother puts it, or when he’s on the edge of a meltdown. We also have three cats who don’t seem too bothered, although he has held up my cat (the oldest, and the smallest) and threatened to choke her before. I also have four beautiful young budgerigars who experienced his wrath for the very first time today, and it’s safe to say that they weren’t a fan. I’m hoping that they will be okay, though, since wild budgies will suffer much more worrying encounters in Australia.

Today, however, my brother went too far. He directed his anger towards the animals - my animals specifically - and me. My mother spent three days painting a gorgeous high sleeper bed which I only just got. I tried to help out, and I kept her company, but I’m just too sick to do such a physical task. Mom just naturally took over and eventually offered to paint the whole thing - even though she herself is ill. Like I said, my parents are amazing. The bed was a real labour of love for Mom, and she did an amazing job - despite the various hardships faced during the process. It was a real bonding experience for my mother and I, which was sorely needed as my mental health is pretty much non-existent at the moment. I’ll explain this as briefly as I can, just to give an idea of how much this affects me.

Recently, I’ve been suffering hugely with an atypical eating disorder. This possibly started when my ex broke up with me about two years ago, and very slowly built up over the past two years until recently, I stopped eating almost entirely and cut myself down to one small meal per day. The sudden change may or may not have been caused by my final major project in college, which I put my heart and soul into and which ended recently. I got the grade I wanted, but the residual stress left from it certainly took its toll, and my fate was sealed. I became more depressed than ever before and my anxiety, autism and (at the time mild) ED suffered the same way. I isolated myself from all of my friends, even my best friend - our relationship has been recovering slowly but surely from a very rough patch we had last year. I love her more than any other human, but I find it simply impossible to connect with another human being at the moment. My relationship with my parents is also hugely strained since they have to force me to eat now, and though we both know that it’s for the best, it puts a new barrier up between us. Another rather significant contributor is the fact that I have feelings for somebody I can never be with, and I’m quite sure he’s catching feeling for another girl who I’m also friends with, which simply gives me more reasons to distance myself from them. Regardless, back to the current situation.

It started small and simple, like all the worst things do. My mattress is in my parents’ room at the moment, as I can’t risk touching my paint-covered bed. My room also stinks of paint which makes it hard to sleep. My snakes are still in my room, though, as we couldn’t move them. My brother threw a cushion at me through the door. That’s all. I was lying in bed, exhausted and ill, and he threw a pillow at me. I said nothing, threw the pillow onto my parents’ bed, and went back to watching videos. A few minutes later, he threw a doorstop at me. It was heavy, and hit me in the hip, so it hurt a lot more than the cushion did. Again, I said nothing, and texted Mom to tell her what was happening. She came up the stairs pretty quickly, questioning my brother about it in a sympathetic tone. She knows him best, and is the best at diffusing situations like this. Like me, he said nothing. After a short while of her talking to him, though, he shoved past her out of his room and into hers, where I was still lying. I was hesitant to leave the bed, stupidly enough, because I wasn’t wearing trousers. However, my brother soon began threatening (nonverbally, of course) to throw his entire fifteen-pound body onto the mattress and on top of me. I wasn’t about to find out how many of my bones would be broken as I’m fragile enough already, so on request of my mother, I scurried off to the other side of my parents’ bed. He followed. I was hissed at to go into my room, which is what I did. No more than five minutes later, with me now holding a very nervous small dog, I hear a fierce BANG! and my door jumps. I’ve got an old door, one of the originals of our house, and I’ve never seen it budge before. At this point, I realised that he was going to break it down. Another few minutes passed until it happened once more, and once more was all it took. I stuck my legs out, thankfully, and caught the door on my feet, pushing it to the side. Thank goodness it somehow didn’t reach the snake tanks which were mere inches away, as they would have no doubt been shattered. We all knew it now; his anger was directed toward me and me alone. He kept advancing and my mother shooed me out of the room. I grabbed the dogs and hurried them into the utility, turned the light off and crouched down with them in the diffused light from the kitchen. He couldn’t see me, nobody could see me. We were safe. They all came downstairs fairly soon and my dad found me first. He said nothing, simply gave me a stressed look and went back into the kitchen. My mom then came out a few minutes later and informed me that my brother had backed himself onto my sofa, which is currently up against the snake tanks, and had started banging his hands on the glass. Any reptile owners well know that this is an awful situation for any reptile, especially snakes. Even just tapping on their tanks stresses them out to no end. They can stop eating for weeks, and if it’s bad enough, the poor things can even die. I did check the snakes after the whole ordeal and thankfully, they are all still alive and at least one of them is still ready to eat. My brother soon found my hiding place and started advancing again. I had nowhere left to go - my room, the only safe place, was destroyed. I just had to run upstairs and hang around for a while. I could hear him shifting furniture, and the occasional yell from one of my parents as he hit them. I know from experience that his blows are nothing to be scoffed at.

I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but somehow he ended up in my room again, but this time he turned his attention to my bed. Mom was appalled. The face she made was one of sheer horror; she had spent so much time and energy to get it to such a good condition and he had just ruined three days of work. She cried into my shoulder, weeping about the lack of consideration he has for others. I agreed, and we both muttered that we didn’t want him here any more.

That may seem harsh, to you. Who would want their own brother to leave for good? I would have agreed with you, if it weren’t for literal years of constant abuse from this boy, this monster. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute he can be a perfectly innocent child (he is 15, but his mental state is at the point where he is internally 8 or 9), and then within moments he can switch to some inhuman, unfeeling being of nothing but hate. He cannot be reasoned with, he can only be fought.

He’s gone now, they all are. Mom and him were taken to hospital in an ambulance, and my father followed shortly after. My snakes are alive, my budgies are fine and everything has gone quiet. This will happen again, and it’ll never stop until something is done - but that’s just the thing. What do we do? We’ve jumped through the hoops, we’ve waited years for people to help us and nobody will.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t want to seem like an attention seeker, but I genuinely fear that if this type of thing carries on, I’ll try to kill myself. Tonight put so much strain on my mental state, and each new episode increases that strain so much, that I don’t think it will be too long until I snap.

Sorry that this has been my first post on this blog. It was meant to be an art blog but I’m no longer going to be doing that as I’m completely rebranding myself. This will be a personal blog for me to write about my life - a kind of journal, I suppose.

All the best,

nano

[pearmelody94-blog]

Nutrient Density 101

Lots of people talk about nutrient density, but few know what it means or how to quantify it.

We often define our diets in terms of vegan, keto, paleo, plant based, LCHF, pescitarian, carnivore or whatever, but rarely do we focus on ensuring that our food actually contains the nutrients we need to thrive and feel satisfied and energised.

This article clarifies some common misconceptions about this important topic and details how you can identify the most nutritious foods tailored to your needs.

What is nutrient density?

Why is nutrient density important?

Will eating nutrient dense foods help me lose weight?

What do vitamins and minerals do?

Can I just take a pill?

Which nutrients do you need more of?

Aren’t the micro-nutrient recommendations just made up?

Bioavailability

What about anti-nutrients?

Doesn’t the carnivore diet break all the rules?

Which foods are the most nutrient dense?

Nutrient density is simply the number of nutrients per calorie.

You can think of it in terms of getting the nutrients you need each day without having to consume too much food.

Essential micronutrients (i.e. vitamins, minerals, amino acids and essential fatty acids) are critical to the biochemical processes that power your mitochondria and drive all the functions in your body.  

Prioritising foods with a higher nutrient density will ensure you get enough vitamins, minerals and fatty acids from the food you eat.

In times gone by, there was no need to worry about nutrient density.  The food we ate contained the nutrients we needed in the right ratios and adequate quantities.  

We have a highly developed appetite which, along with our senses (smell, taste, sight/colour, touch/mouthfeel, hearing/crunch), ensures we get the nutrients and energy we need.  

However, these days, due to changes in the way we produce food more quickly and cheaply, the number of essential nutrients in our food has declined significantly.  

According to data from the USDA Economic Research Service, the amount of sodium in the US food system has decreased since the mid-sixties.  

Magnesium has also decreased substantially in parallel with the increase in the use of fertilisers and large-scale agriculture.  

Potassium has also dropped by around 25% as our farmlands become more depleted.  

Vitamin A has dropped about 30% since the introduction of the Dietary Goals for Americans in 1977 which, rather than focusing on the nutrients in food, encouraged people to reduce their saturated fat and dietary cholesterol.  It just so happens that the foods that contain more saturated fat and cholesterol also contain more vitamin A.  

Vitamin B12 (which is mainly found in animal-based foods) has also decreased since the 1977 Dietary Guidelines for Americans were introduced in 1977.  

The table below shows the number of calories you need to reach your recommended intake of these key nutrients if you do not pay attention to nutrient density.

micronutrientcalories to meet targetcalcium5400potassium5200magnesium4400

Today, more and more of the foods we consume are a  mix of cheap vegetable oils and refined starch with added sugars, flavours and colours to make them look and taste nutritious.   

In 2010, 62% of the energy consumed by Americans came from added fats and oils (23%), flours and cereals (23%) and added sugars (15%).  While cheap to produce, these foods tend to be inferior sources of nutrients.

While most nutritional advice today is focused on what you should avoid (e.g. too much fat, carbs, protein, saturated fat, sugar etc), focusing on nutrient dense foods ensures you get what you need from food.  

Then, once you fill your plate with nutrient-dense food, you probably won’t have room or cravings for the ‘bad foods’ that are nutrient poor and easy to overeat.  

If you’re interested in determining which foods contain more of these harder to find nutrients see these lists at Nutrient Optimiser:

Your appetite does a pretty good job of seeking out the nutrients we need to thrive.  We like a varied diet, we get bored with the same foods, and we often crave different foods at different times to give us the nutrients we need depending on the circumstances, for example:

more protein after a workout,

chocolate around “that time of the month” for women, or

a pregnant woman who has weird and wonderful cravings.

The Protein Leverage Hypothesis suggests that we keep eating food until we get the protein we need to maintain our muscles.  

However, it seems a similar thing occurs with all micronutrients.  The studies that have been done suggest that a nutrient dense diet causes people to eat less and reduce their sensation of hunger.  

Prioritising nutrient dense foods will help you reduce your cravings and switch off your appetite once you get enough (but not too much) energy.  

People who focus on maximising their nutrient density using the Nutrient Optimiser also find that they are full with fewer calories.

Nutrient dense foods tend to contain plenty of protein and fibre and have less fat+starch, so they are typically more satiating and harder to overeat.  

The chart below of nutrient density vs satiety score shows that nutrient-dense foods are generally satiating.  

The foods toward the top right of this chart will provide you with plenty of nutrients and help you manage your appetite, while the foods toward the bottom left will drive hunger and overeating and provide a lot of nutrients.

[You can drill down into the detail of the satiety vs nutrient density chart on Tableau here]

Nutrient density should ideally be tailored to the individual to provide more of the nutrients that they are not currently getting enough of.  

Someone following a strict plant-based diet may struggle to get enough B12, omega 3 and some amino acids but may be getting plenty of potassium and magnesium.  

However, most people who eat some animal-based foods are getting plenty of B12 and protein and need to focus on minerals like potassium, magnesium, choline and phosphorus that are harder to get enough of.  

We have characterised the typical nutrient profile of different dietary approaches to help you identify the nutrients you probably need more of.  However, for more accuracy, the Nutrient Optimiser also allows you to upload your food log (from Cronometer) to identify foods and meals that will balance your micronutrient profile by filling in your current nutrient gaps.

Joel Fuhrman’s Aggregate Nutrient Density focused on a number of esoteric nutrients (e.g. lutein, zeaxanthin, phytosterols, glucosinolates, angiogenesis inhibitors, organosulfides, resveratrol and ORAC score) that aren’t quantified for all foods and there is little agreement on how much we need of them.  However, without any consideration of amino acids or omega 3s Fuhrman’s ANDI system tends to bias towards plant-based foods.

Meanwhile, Matt Lalonde’s version of nutrient density focused on all of the essential micronutrients, including amino acids. But, with all twelve essential amino acids included, Lalonde’s nutrient density system swings to the other extreme with meat-heavy foods at the top that are VERY high protein (approx 70%).  

Unfortunately, prioritising all 42 essential micronutrients tends to dilute the focus on the nutrients we need more of.  

Foods with adequate vitamins, minerals and essential fatty acids also tend have heaps of protein, so there is no need for most people to chase extra protein if they are focusing on vitamins and minerals.

The chart below shows the nutrients that most people are not meeting the official targets for.  

However, we all have different eating patterns.  If you want to really optimise your diet, the nutrients you need to prioritise will depend on your current dietary pattern.  

People following a low carb diet are often lower in vitamin K1, folate, calcium, Vitamin A, vitamin C and magnesium, while they will be getting plenty of vitamin B12 and amino acids.   

Meanwhile, vegans typically need to boost B12, omega 3s, vitamin D and choline.

However, if we focus on the harder to find nutrients, we get a much more complete micronutrient profile.

Rather than comparing your nutrient intake against the nutrient targets, the Nutrient Optimiser can also consider your symptoms and prioritise the nutrients that are typically deficient when these conditions are present.  

The images below show the Spectracell Nutrient Wheels showing the nutrients associated with various common conditions.  We have developed optimal foods to boost the nutrients that are associated with a range of conditions here.

Diabetes

See the list of foods that contain more of the nutrients related to diabetes here.  

Low Testosterone

See the list of foods that contain more of the nutrients related to low testosterone here.  

Autism

See the list of foods that contain more of the nutrients related to autism here.  

Depression

See the list of foods that contain more of the nutrients related to depression here.  

Estrogen

See the list of foods that contain more of the nutrients related to excess estrogen here.  

Fatigue

See the list of foods that contain more of the nutrients related to fatigue here.  

Female fertility

See the list of foods that contain more of the nutrients related to female fertility here.  

Hypothyroidism

See the list of foods that contain more of the nutrients related to hypothyroidism here.  

Inflammation  

See the list of foods that contain more of the nutrients related to inflammation here.  

Insomnia   

See the list of foods that contain more of the nutrients related to insomnia here.  

While the functions and interactions of the numerous micronutrients in our body are complex and we are only just coming to understand them, a few highlights are noted below.  

Vitamin C protects from cardiovascular diseases, cancers, joint diseases, cataracts, and the common cold; aids in collagen and elastin synthesis, both necessary elements in the bone matrix, skin, tooth dentin, blood vessels, and tendons.  Protects against oxygen-based damage to cells (free radicals); required for fat synthesis; has antiviral and detoxifying properties. Helps to heal wounds.

Calcium is required for bone and tooth formation, muscle contraction, blood clotting, and nerve transmission; reduces the risk of colon cancer; prevents hypertension.

Chromium assists with insulin function, increases fertility, is required for carbohydrate/fat metabolism, essential for fetal growth/development, helps lower elevated serum cholesterol and triglycerides.

Copper is required for bone formation, energy production, hair and skin colouring, and taste sensitivity; involved in the healing process; aids in iron transport; helps metabolise several fatty acids.

Magnesium is involved in 300 essential metabolic reactions; necessary for muscle activity and nerve impulses; regulates temperature and blood pressure; essential for detoxification; aids in creating strong bones and teeth.

Choline is essential for lipid and cholesterol transport and metabolism of methyl groups.  Choline may improve cognitive function and memory.

Potassium is the principal cation of intracellular fluid and an almost constant component of lean body tissues.  The movement of potassium out of cells and sodium into cells changes the electrical potential during depolarisation and re-polarisation of nerve and muscle cells.

Selenium is an antioxidant and in redox reactions and thyroid metabolism.

Phosphorous is the second-most abundant inorganic element in the body.  Phosphorus as phosphate is a significant buffer and helps to protect blood systemic acid/base balance.   

Vitamin B12 is required for the synthesis of fatty acids in myelin and, in conjunction with folate, for DNA synthesis. Adequate intake of vitamin B12 is essential for healthy blood function and neurological function.  

Sodium is the primary cation in human extracellular fluid. It has an essential role in the maintenance of critical physiological activities such as extracellular fluid volume and cellular membrane potential.  

People like to sell you expensive supplements and pills.  However, progressively refining your diet to build in nutrient-dense foods and meals is harder. It takes time to form new habits.  

While there may be some benefit from vitamin pills and food fortification, supplements are often not in the form the body needs or in the synergistic ratios found in whole foods.  

Chances are that you’re not just missing one nutrient but rather a suite of beneficial compounds that we get from the foods we eat.

While supplements seem like an attractive option, they often don’t provide the same benefit when separated from the whole food.

Nutrient-dense whole foods that contain plenty of the essential nutrients likely also contain other beneficial compounds that we don’t fully understand yet.

The Nutrient Optimiser will review your current diet to recommend supplements that you can use while you improve your diet.  However, the long-term goal is always to get the nutrient you need from whole foods.

When was the last time you saw someone actually get healthy by taking a ‘magic pill’ without actually changing their diet and exercise?  

Nutrition science is a relatively young and quickly evolving field.  We are still learning about how much of each of the nutrients we need and how they interact.  

While most of the nutrient targets are based on robust deficiency testing (e.g. potassium, magnesium, calcium, selenium, choline, omega 3, vitamin C, vitamin D), some are merely based on the average intake levels of healthy populations (e.g. vitamin E, manganese and vitamin B5).

While your nutrient fingerprint is unique to you, most people tend to have lower levels of the nutrients that there is actually deficiency testing for, while we tend to be getting plenty of the nutrients that we’re not so sure about.

The Nutrient Optimiser doesn’t rely on the Recommended Daily Intakes being perfect, but instead identifies the foods and meals that contain more of the cluster of ten or so nutrients you are not getting enough of.

It’s hard to get too much of any of the micronutrients from whole foods.  Your kidney will filter out the excess.

There are some cases of arctic explorers consuming too much polar bear liver and feeling ill from hypervitaminosis A.  But most people aren’t eating excessive amounts of liver.

It is possible to overdo your supplements.  In the first instance, excess supplements can give you diarrhoea as your body sheds them from your system.  However, there are many instances where excessive levels of one nutrient can affect the absorption of other nutrients and can lead to severe issues.  

While a multivitamin probably won’t hurt you, you should ideally understand why you are taking them and use it as a supplement to make up for the nutrients you cannot yet get from whole food.  

While plant-based foods often contain more nutrients per calorie, the nutrients in animal foods tend to be more ‘bioavailable’, which means they are in a form that can easily be used in the body.  

Animal-based forms of vitamin A, iron and omega 3 fatty acids are already in the form used by the body without needing to be converted, whereas plant-based foods contain nutrient precursors, meaning that the nutrients need to be converted before being used by the body.  

There are some losses in the conversion of nutrients.  Some people are better than others at the conversion, so the number of nutrients in the plant-based foods don’t equate to nutrients in the body.

There is unfortunately not a lot of reliable data to quantify how much of the nutrients are converted, but at the same time, those nutrient with poorer bio-availability are generally relatively easy to get in adequate quantities.  So uncertainty around bio-availability doesn’t stop us from using the data we do have to analyse the nutrients in your diet.

While it would be great to have accurate data to quantify losses due to bioavailability from plant-based foods vs animal-based foods, it doesn’t have a significant consequence if you are focusing on a range of nutrient-dense foods.

Plant-based foods like grains and legumes contain ‘anti-nutrients’ such as lectins, phytic acids, goitrogens, oxalates and tannins that affect the absorption of nutrients such as iron, magnesium and potassium.

Lectins can be an issue, particularly for people who have a history of digestive problems.  So grain-based foods are not only relatively nutrient poor, but they also inhibit the absorption of other essential nutrients.

If your digestion isn’t great, you may benefit from an autoimmune elimination diet or even a carnivore diet to see if it improves your symptoms and if they return when you add the foods back in.  

There are some ‘anti-nutrients’ in vegetables (e.g. sulforaphane) however many people see these as beneficial because they provide a beneficial hormetic stress that makes your system strong (like the way resistance training builds strength).

Focusing on nutrient-dense foods eliminates most anti-nutrients and the remaining ones in vegetables don’t appear to be a major issue for most people.

The carnivore diet has benefited a lot of people and has seen a growth in popularity recently.  

It seems to be particularly helpful for people with autoimmune and/or digestive problems. Many people swear by a diet of mainly beef and water which does a great job of eliminating bioavailability issues and antinutrients.

The chart below shows nutrient density vs satiety score.  The most nutrient dense satiating foods are non-starchy vegetables in the top right corner while the least nutritious and least satiating foods are the grain-based products in the bottom left.

[Drill down into the detail in Tableau here.]

While I’m an advocate of some vegetables for most people, the reality is that they only make up 5% of the American diet (or just 3.5% once you remove potato chips).  So I don’t think we can say that vegetables are the primary issue affecting the health for most people.

This next chart shows the nutrient density vs satiety with the plant-based foods removed.  While we eliminate the most nutrient dense foods (which few people are actually eating), ‘going carnivore’ also removes the worst foods from the bottom left (which make up the vast majority of our diet).  

[Drill down into the detail in Tableau here.]

So I think there’s a good chance that the primary reason that the carnivorous diet works for so many people is that it eliminates the most hyperpalatable nutrient-poor foods (rather than necessarily the removal of all plant-based foods).

Nutrient density is still relevant to a carnivorous diet.  The chart below shows the nutrient fingerprint for Shawn Baker’ typical diet which has lower levels of nutrients such as vitamin C, vitamin A, vitamin D, K1, folate, calcium, omega 3, and B5.  

However, we can still get a substantial amount of nutrients from a carnivorous diet if we prioritise the harder to find nutrients as shown below.  Organ meats, eggs and seafood can provide a lot of the harder to find nutrients in a highly bioavailable form.

While some nutrients can be harder to find in a carnivorous diet, it may not be a big big deal given:

Vitamin K2 in animal-based foods can be converted to Vitamin K1,

Vitamin E is required to reduce inflammation from omega 6 vegetable oils a carnivorous diet eliminates, and

Vitamin C requirements reduce somewhat if we are consuming less glucose.

While you may be able to get the nutrient you need on a carnivorous diet, it may also be wise to prioritise nutrient dense foods.

If you are looking for fat loss, then it can be useful to look at the foods that provide the highest satiety and nutrient density at the same time.  

You can drill down to see the various foods that rank well using the Tableau charts listed below:

For a full list of nutrient-dense foods and meals tailored to your goals, we’d also love you to check out the Nutrient Optimiser free report.

At the time of writing, we’re a week and a half into the first Nutrient Optimiser Six Week Challenge.  Although we’ve been working very hard developing the Nutrient Optimiser behind the scenes, the results of prioritising satiety and nutrient density have been more exciting than we hoped!  It’s so satisfying to see nutrient density and satiety in action in real lives. Once you begin to optimise your nutrition, satiety, vitality and weight loss follow.

Weight loss

Over the eight days since the initial three day weigh in period, participants in the Nutrient Optimiser Six Week Competition have seen an average of 3.6 lbs (1.6 kg) weight loss (or 1.9% of their starting body weight).  We’re looking forward to seeing how things go over the full six weeks!

Blood sugars

It’s still early days, but we’ve also seen some great results in terms of improvements in blood sugars…

…as well as reductions in insulin.  

Testimonials

The feedback and responses in the Nutrient Optimiser Facebook Group have been REALLY encouraging.  People are simply not as hungry when they focus on getting the nutrients they need from their food.  

Food photos

We’re also LOVING seeing the food that people are creating when given the information and tools to optimise their nutrition!

Related

Source: https://optimisingnutrition.com/2019/01/13/nutrient-density-101/

[samuelcarveraccidentman]

conditions

Ah, Asperger Syndrome. Also known as 'Asperger's Syndrome', 'Aspergers', 'AS' and an upcoming favorite, 'High-Functioning Autism'. If you've spent any time on the Internet, you will have run into someone claiming that s/he has this condition and you're now wondering what it really means, or if it means anything at all. Well, we here at TV Tropes aim to fix you up with that info.

Asperger Syndrome was discovered by Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger in 1944. He noticed that some of the children in his practice were somewhat socially awkward, and began studying them. Since obviously there wasn't a name for it at the time, his official term for them was 'Autistic Psychopaths', though at the time 'psychopath' didn't quite have the negative tone it has today. Indeed, good old Hans had a generally positive view of what he called the "Little Professors" due to their ability to memorize facts, and unlike his colleagues at the time was very positive about what Autistic children, if given a supportive attitude, could achieve.note Values Dissonance: the highly disciplined, militaristic and religious background of people born before World War One and who lived in the Third Reich frowned on "unruly and misbehaving" children and tended to sympathize with those "disciplined and bookish".

As of December 2012, Asperger's Syndrome has been reclassified as part of the Autism spectrum by the American Psychological Association, to mixed response.

Characteristics of Asperger's Syndrome

So what characterizes someone with Asperger Syndrome? Here are some signs to look for (they may have all or a few of these signs and to varying degrees):

Delays in social interaction.

Logical Thinking. To the point that an Aspie can border Cloudcuckoolander territory, they think in a very step-by-step manner, each conclusion a result of the one before. And it all works perfectly, except for when it doesn't, because society as a whole isn't perfectly logical and predictable. We all know the world is crazy, but only an Aspie would think you can make sense of society by categorising every facet of it seperately.An Aspie: "The most irrational thing about society is that it thinks I'M the irrational one."Another Aspie: "I understand, on a logical level, why people behave that way. I just don't see the point of it on a practical one."

Literal Thinking.An Aspie: "If we see the world differently, why should I pretend it is anything other than how I see it? Why should you pretend? Once we know we disagree we can agree on a compromise, rather than lying. Then we can be friends."

Lack of social 'empathy'. Note: This doesn't mean sociopathy. Another biggie, the term "empathy" is misleading, as people with AS do feel and appreciate emotions, but they are unsure of what emotion others are feeling. Extreme literal thinking means they can't see why a person would pretend to feel otherwise than they do, and this difficulty is solved by the only logical course of action - to paste in the emotion of whose emotions they are aware - usually themselves. Thus, if they feel happy, they assume the other person feels happy until they are informed otherwise. Unfortunately, even when knowing how the other is truly feeling, they may not know what response is wanted. And if they want to help, logic dictates they respond with how they would want to be treated, even though it isn't always accurate. This all leads to a very 'Treat others as you would be treated' attitude - not a bad thing, and one factor in why Aspies can be so nice, but not appropriate to every social situation. People with AS may be completely unaware of, or unable to understand and "correctly" follow, social rules that seem utterly self-evident and obvious to everybody else. For example, an AS individual in a romantic relationship may not know that their partner wants them to say "I love you", because they assume that the fact that they love their partner is a given and needn't be said more than once for both people to know it. Another part of the empathy problem is that some people with AS also have trouble showing their emotions. They might not change their facial expression at all. When they come to realise this, they often overcompensate with even more grandiose gestures and obvious statements of how they feel.An Aspie: "And that makes me angry!"Another Aspie: "Ask me an honest question and I'll give you an honest answer. If you don't want an honest answer, let me know and tell me what kind of answer you want." (The basic approach, and a primary difficulty, for many Aspies in romantic relationships.)

Narrowly defined interests. One of their more obvious traits. People with AS tend to build up a lot of knowledge about their interests, which run the gamut of... well, everything. Some people are interested in things that are age-appropriate, some will be interested in things that either are viewed as "too old" or "too young" for them. Some people will be interested in things that many people are interested in, others will find obscure interests. Interests can also change from time to time – some end up defining their lives with a certain interest, while others may change it every other week, but while they are into one thing, be passionately so. Some people have one obsessive hobby and then 'sub-hobbies'. For example, their obsessive hobby is writing, but this is made less obvious by the way that they have in the past obsessed over Transformers, Sonic the Hedgehog and Sylvanian Families, and even add new fandoms to the rotation, and so end up compiling a great deal of trivia and expensive collectibles about ALL these fandoms, but what all the fandoms have in common is that they intensely enjoy writing about them.An Aspie: "I find fire extinguishers fascinating. Thus I assumed you did too. There's no need to be polite; I'd tell you if you were boring me."

Speech issues.An Aspie: "Everybody has an accent except me."

Motion and Motor Control. Associated with AS are various possible satellite traits: Physical clumsiness; tendency to move in repetitive ways, especially when stressed, called "stimming" (think everything from tapping your foot to rocking or flapping your hands); stiff and awkward walk; extreme sensitivity to sensory input (lights, noise, smells, fabrics, information...), social anxiety (not actually AS itself but often found alongside it), anxiety in general, a tendency towards epilepsy, difficulty planning and executing plans, excessive literal thinking, hyperactivity, a strong attachment to routines or familiar objects, and food allergies. Being able to focus to an abnormal level or for an abnormal length of time is common, as is difficulty in multitasking and dividing attention. These may manifest in many different ways and combinations depending on the person.

Gaze Avoidance. Like most people in the autistic spectrum (as well as some social anxiety disorders), there are often troubles maintaining eye contact; it can actually feel uncomfortable or even painful. Because of this, since the non-verbal components of social interaction - body language and facial expressions - are largely learned visually, many with AS tend to have uncoordinated body language themselves (this can often tend to make people feel that they seem "creepy"), as well as an inability to correctly interpret the body language of others, often mistakenly described as a sort of "body language blindness" but more accurately described as a sort of "body language dyslexia" instead. Conversely, those aware that they are not meeting gazes, and becoming concerned that they may seem insincere may focus their gaze on someone for too long in a way that might make the other person feel uncomfortable. Of course, some people with AS do learn body language and emoting by studying actors in TV/film/theater and acting out their emotions. Compensating like this is terribly exhausting, as they're essentially giving a live stage performance any time they're talking to someone, and it can also lead to people sensitive to body language consciously or unconsciously realizing that the "aspie" is acting (as opposed to being natural), which is the sort of thing that in many people would be a danger sign. As a result, the "aspie" can come off as "creepy" even if they've theoretically solved their aforementioned body language problem.

Other stuff.

It's been called a "social skills learning disability", and for good reason: People with AS (often referred to as "Aspies" within their common community)and other sorts of autism have difficulty learning the non-verbal parts of social interaction, whether that's making small talk, dating etiquette, or just looking someone in the eye. Like anyone with a learning disability, people with AS can learn social skills - but it takes them a great deal of time and effort, and may always be difficult to do and imperfect in execution. For those wondering, this is the thing that causes most people on the Internet to self-diagnose, as it's usually the most visible symptom of AS. However, there are many factors to this problem with social interaction.

This includes the fact that for Aspies, the ability to socially interact normally is not merely difficult, like for shy people or people who like telling the truth, think logically or have intense hobbies, but in addition is physically exhausting, like any job involving serious mental strain.

It is also worth noting that many Aspies assert that in many cases the social interaction issues are not that they don't "read" the signals well, but rather that they learn to read multiple non-verbal signals. This includes those the speaker may not be aware they are sending. Much of the error and mental fatigue come from constantly having to pick the intended non-verbal messages amid the many unintended ones. (Consider this much like trying to pick out and accurately attend a single conversation in the middle of an active convention floor from 20 feet away.) It is very difficult, and can often include much misunderstanding or confusion.

Along with logical thinking, nearly every aspect of Asperger Syndrome links back to how strongly this characteristic presents itself. Generally associated with their difficulties with metaphors, sarcasm, and satire. But to pretend the world is other than you see it as, is to the literal-minded Aspie an illogical and irrational course of action. This leads to them speaking their mind with no regard for the opinions of others, which makes them terrible liars. Those who are taught to be 'polite' and keep their thoughts to themselves are still prone to outbursts of emotion which can come as an unpleasant surprise to others and obviously doesn't help in social situations at all.

This is a frequently disputed point. Many Aspies understand sarcasm, metaphor, analogy, and satire very well. Many can also be very adept liars due to their understanding of language and nuance (though lying tends to be rare and is usually for a deliberate and specific reason due to the effect it has on the Aspie's strong conscience). The point of dispute is that while taking things literally and straightforward is the "default mode" for most Aspies, it is by no means the only mode of operation. Furthermore, for many Aspies, the illogical aspect of pretending the world is other than that which it is lies less in the literal and direct thinking and more in that such self-delusion makes little sense to the Aspie mind as a general rule.

There are a lot of issues that can arise with AS speech. Some speak too formally. Some speak in a manner that is too fast or too loud. Others will maintain a monotone, have tics or wildly inflect. Again, it varies from person to person. A desire to be as precise as possible will often lead to Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness, and oblique references and metaphors can lead to Blunt Metaphors Trauma. There may also be some stuttering, which may be countered by speaking louder (helps in debate team), and using extravagant hand/arm gestures to help convey one's meaning, in lieu of appropriate facial expressions.

Many Aspies show the "little professor" aspect described by Hans Asperger in regards to these speech issues through not only often going overly in-depth for the average audience on a given subject, but also in having developed the habit of pre-emptively explaining what they are trying to express (sometimes many times over in the same commentary on the same idea). This habit develops for many because they have become so used to having what they've said misunderstood, or not understood in the first place, that they attempt to clear up any confusion before it becomes an issue... often creating a new issue as people frequently perceive these explanations as insulting or condescending in some manner.

Studies have shown that individuals on the Autistic Spectrum usually have a greater than average sensitivity to/empathy with, and desire to help, when they do notice somebody in pain. Their bluntness and lowered social inhibitions can make it easier for them to step forward to help than people who act 'sensitively' and tactfully ignore somebody's distress.

Asperger's was previously thought to be around four times as common among men as women, but is now believed to have roughly the same rate of frequency. There are several reasons for the apparent discrepancy, including that the obsessions associated with female Asperger's (ex. reading the same book many times) are less obvious than those associated with male Asperger's (ex. learning everything about World War I airplane engines), and many ASD traits (e.g. shyness) are not seen as unusual in women, or as socially crippling. Part of the problem is that most of the data comes from male subjects and thus may bias diagnoses, such that Asperger's is diagnosed more frequently among men.

Physical sensitivity may be either significantly greater or significantly lower than that of a neurotypical, in at least one area. Hypersensitivity is common, often causing the AS subject to be a Picky Eater or have difficulty in wearing certain types of clothes. Hypersensitivity to noise is also common. On the other hand, there are records of AS subjects who have reduced physical sensitivity, or at least show no outward signs of discomfort, including one boy who showed no sign of pain at all prior to diagnosis of a twisted testicle (normally a very painful condition).

Unusual friends. People with AS often have trouble making friends their own age, since the hobbies they developed as children, say for a cartoon show, are not so common among the 30+ age range. They don't always notice if their friends make jokes at their expense (which leads to some people mistakenly assuming that they don't care. If they do notice, the chance is 90% that they will care), or what their background is, or their age, or their political or religious beliefs, or if they have disabilities, just as long as they show some interest in the "aspies's" own field of interest. This is part of what makes those with AS so accepting of others and often results in them being friends with other social outcasts. They also tend to prefer a small, close-knit group of friends as opposed to a wide social network. In some unfortunate cases this can result in them making very poor choices for their friends.

As with many other learning disorders, people with Aspergers often appear less physically mature than others their own age, with a tendency towards rounded faces - which are usually associated with children.

It's not unknown for subjects to compulsively talk to themselves in various different ways.

Because of the gaze avoidance, body language and other social interaction issues (as well as their tendency to take things literally), Aspies can often be Oblivious to Hints.

In interaction with other Aspies, an Aspie will often be able to read them and their behaviour with surprising intuitiveness. They will also usually form tight, interdependent groups of friends with Asperger's.

A lot of people with Aspergers struggle with short-term memory impairment. Thus they appear to be very forgetful or absentminded, and giving them a number of tasks at once can be difficult for them; as soon as you give them one task, the last one pops out of their head. Some also have difficulty with "executive function", i.e. difficulty fully grasping the steps of a process and planning it out.

At times, someone with Aspergers may have a meltdown when confronted with a situation that is unfamiliar or uncomfortable, or when they feel a lack of control. A major meltdown would include crying, extreme mood swings, anger, and severe emotional distress. They may lash out at others and indulge in self-harm, such as hitting themselves in the head. Those who are high functioning can recognize the signs of a meltdown and take steps to prevent or limit their reaction. Trying to reason with someone in the midst of a meltdown is difficult at best, as anything said or done could upset him or her further. The best effort to resolve this is to mitigate harm to them and not cause further distress. Trying to resolve the reasons for the meltdown must wait until it has passed and the person is in a better frame of mind to take in advice to help themselves.

Myths about Asperger's Syndrome

There are a number of common fallacies, misconceptions and outright lies surrounding Asperger's and other autism spectrum disorders. These include:

It doesn't exist. Yes, there are a lot of false diagnoses (and many more false self-diagnoses). If every condition which had those didn't actually exist, we wouldn't need doctors.

Social disability means talent in a particular field. One of the most popular misconceptions on Asperger's Syndrome, made worse by how Hans Asperger himself described these people as "Little Professors". While a persistent obsession with any particular subject that leads to lots of study and practice in that subject may help in getting really good at it, people with AS are otherwise generally no more or less talented in anything than anyone else could become with that much study. How famous geniuses (supposedly) had Asperger's (e.g. Albert Einstein) adds to the problem, and this of course attracts antisocial people to self-diagnose themselves with Asperger's, causing the syndrome as a whole to be associated with...

Self-inflated Insufferable Genius/Asperger's as an excuse for bad behaviour. There's no real connection whatsoever, and may have just been borne out of people over the Internet using Asperger's Syndrome as an excuse to be a jerkass or a Know-Nothing Know-It-All. Part of the reason AS is a popular self-diagnosis is because Asperger's is linked (particularly in pop culture) with Idiot Savant characters who are brilliant but lack social skills. Such individuals are often the first to latch onto postmortem conjectural psychology calling various famous people like Albert Einstein autistic. They arrogantly believe that not only should having AS free them from judgement for being socially inept, but also pin them as genius-tier masters of their field. This is particularly infuriating for people who really do have AS, since as this practice continues they find it harder to explain accidentally offending somebody without being seen as liars, or worse as trying to make an excuse for bad behaviour. Most genuine Aspies don't see Aspergers as a 'Get Out Of Jerk Ass Free' card, just an explanation. If anything, given that the symptoms of Asperger's syndrome tend to lead other children (and sometimes adults) into bullying them, they usually tend to have a lower sense of self-worth. This tends to be confused as a symptom of Asperger's due to the lack of social empathy and the tendency to dominate conversations. While a case could be made that some who have been consistently bullied may consciously develop or become egocentric and cultivate feelings of a superiority complex as a psychological defense mechanism, this does not directly correlate with AS. What might correlate to it is that since people with Asperger’s tend to be experts in their narrow field of interest, they can think of themselves as superior to those who do not possess such skills. Also, some think of their lack of inhibition and sincerity as an advantage over the rest of the population.

Sociopathy. Just because they have difficulty understanding other people's emotional states doesn't mean they don't care. In fact, scientific evidence suggests that autistic people generally have higher than average empathy towards people they notice are in pain. Some people with Asperger's can be the nicest folks you'll ever meet, and either way, they rarely use it as an excuse for plain old Jerk Ass behavior. Quite often, someone with Asperger's may have strong morals and a sense of justice to the point of being a Soapbox Sadie about social justice, animal rights, etcetera, but in a social situation they might be simply absent-minded and forget to pause and think what their friend might be thinking/feeling in a given situation. Thus, you may get a kind-hearted Aspie ranting on about compassion for other human beings for hours but never letting you get a word in, ignoring your schedules and your needs (such as needing food or going to the toilet) and doing everything their way without realising they might be steamrolling you. The difference between a tyrant and an Aspie is that an Aspie just gets so focused and excited they honestly do not realise they're doing this unless they've developed a sense of mindfulness about it or if they aren't called out on it. At which they will be embarrassed and usually apologise profusely. Back in the days before Asperger's Syndrome and autism were known disorders, those who fell into the autism spectrum were often mistaken for sociopaths due to lack of outward emotions/displaying inappropriate emotions (e.g. John Elder Robison was chided for smiling when he heard of the death of another child when in fact he was relieved that it hadn't been him that died). This can obviously create a bit of a problem; humans are easily put off by weird asocial behavior and may think "sociopath" instead of "Aspergers." Basically the two disorders are usually polar opposites in this particular respect. People with Asperger's are generally more compassionate and get distressed by other people's pain, but have problems showing it in a natural manner. Most have a strong conscience. And an inability to tell a convincing lie to save their life is another common trait. The favored popular-culture consummate liar sociopath on the other hand tends to systematically misdirect, manipulate, fake caring mannerisms, etc, without any outward minor twitch/sign that they are doing so, or get intensely sadistic. As in the case of Dexter Morgan in the original book. People with Asperger's do have emotions, but the way they feel/express them are very different than everyone else. It's as if their feelings are running in Linux (or one of its many, many derivatives) while everyone else is running Windows or Mac OS X. Because of this, things get askew during the translation, sometimes funny, other times, horrible (see the John Elder example above.)

No Sense Of Humour.

Lack of Imagination: Related to No Sense Of Humour above, it is frequently reported that Aspies have little to no imagination, but this is verging on Critical Research Failure; there's a (fairly popular) theory that Aspies have excellent imaginations. What they lack (and probably what the reports in question mean by Aspies having no imagination) is Social Imagination; i.e., the ability to grasp that not everybody feels the same way. It requires "imagining" what another person is feeling, since you can't know for certain. To an Aspie, this is logical because you're not them, and it's rooted in their difficulty to recognize emotions in others.

This one's definitely wrong; while an odd or dark sense of humour is common, plenty of people with Asperger's aren't afraid to make jokes about themselves. This one most likely came about because people with Asperger's may simply not get a joke, especially situational ones, and thus not laugh. As noted, many Aspies have an unusually strong sense of compassion for others, and thus may find humor based on random cruelty or characters' gratuitous suffering upsetting rather than amusing. Also, while some Aspies may have difficulties understanding sarcasm, and find irony an even tougher beast, others will not only understand sarcasm and/or irony, but range from occasional Deadpan Snarker to The Snark Knight. It very much depends on the person. Often the sense of humour is very dry, or depends on peculiar word-play only understood by the individual—see the Wikipedia article on Duclod Man for some good examples.

For many Aspies their sense of humor is strongly grounded in word-play. This is often the case because they understand the many ways in which words and phrases can be assembled and perceived. Therefore many can find many otherwise innocent or serious comments amusing or even laughably funny, which can cause more examples of people perceiving them as having inappropriate reactions to various situations. Telling puns, double-entendres, deliberate spoonerisms, and layered verbal humor (multiple meanings) are all sources of great amusement for many Aspies. As mentioned above, a droll sense of humor and amusing remarks made with deadpan delivery so that the listener isn't always sure if a joke was even delivered can also be amusing. Particularly when such comments can be hidden as subtle jests, even delivered in the middle of a gathering of people, with a friend or family member who gets the joke because they understand the Aspie's sense of humor.

What Aspies compensate with is an incredible Visual Imagination. Instead of socialising, an Aspie prefers to sit back and let the movie roll. Instead of having to share the toys in a group, they might imagine getting the toys out and having them coming to life in a way that physically playing with them can't produce. Movies too are a visual medium, and some Aspies like to sit back and play an entire movie in their heads, perhaps imagining themselves in a role. Obviously it's a solo activity.

If an Aspie takes to writing down what they imagine, expect them to paint an amazingly detailed picture of their world and characters as they strive to make their readers see what they see.

Caused by vaccines. Children lucky enough to receive regular vaccinations tend to also be lucky enough to have access to counselors and psychologists who can diagnose autism spectrum disorders. That debunks literally the only 'evidence' for this theory. A lot of the 'evidence' is people confusing correlation with causation, people not considering broadening diagnostic criteria and increased awareness as a possible reason for the apparent increase of autism prevalence, and one thoroughly discredited study that is contradicted by an avalanche of other studies. The case against Caused by vaccines is not that difficult to grasp, yet many people remain convinced it's all caused by jabs, which is leading to some pretty nasty stuff. The idea that the MMR (measles, mumps, and rubella) vaccine causes autism is particularly tragic, as women contracting rubella while pregnant is one of the few known causes of autism, yet that is entirely preventable through inoculation. The guy who did the MMR study, Andrew Wakefield, was struck off the British medical register for ethics violations. Some people still believe he's an honest man punished by Big Pharma for dissenting against them, despite the fact that it's been discovered he was looking for a way to make a vaccine (which he would benefit from selling) for just the measles, that did not include the ingredient he claims was causing autism in the MMR vaccine, and his famous study was financed by a firm of medical malpractice lawyers so make of that what you will. A lot of people on the autistic spectrum are deeply offended by those who suggest that vaccines might cause autism, as their logical and literal manner of thinking concludes that those who choose to not have their children vaccinated would rather the child die of preventable disease than survive while autistic - and that's if the thoroughly disproven claim had any veracity at all (which it does not have).

Caused by _____. While research continues (see below) and some of it is beginning to suggest several very plausible explanations for what causes Asperger's Syndrome, nothing has conclusively been shown to be thecause of every case of it. It's also possible that each genuine case of it has a completely different cause, or a different combination of multiple causes. People with Asperger's syndrome are not only different from other kinds of people, but often from each other as well. Research also continues into whether people have Asperger's Syndrome from birth, develop it at some time later in their early childhood, or both.

Defines one's entire identity/explains all quirks. In fact, Asperger's Syndrome is rarely the only unusual psychological condition individuals have, and being socially awkward may exacerbate other psychological conditions such as Borderline Personality Disorder or Social Anxiety. Aspies also vary as widely in regards to sexuality as anyone else. They are also just as likely to have fetishes as anyone else. Needless to say, having atypical sexual interests as well as neurological functioning can be extremely difficult. Some also suffer from alcoholism and drug addictions. Furthermore, the interaction between these conditions can be quite complex, leaving open questions of cause and effect, and whether one condition causes the other or is merely aggravating it. One should never assume everything about an Aspie necessarily arises from the condition alone. Additionally, just as Autism has a sliding scale of intellectual and physical functionality, Asperger Syndrome has its own socially functional variations - some Aspies just have minor social difficulties to go with their obsessions and tics, while others are almost crippled socially as well as these other symptoms.An Aspie: "That I'm an Aspie means I'm someone with a given condition. I am not the condition itself. It doesn't define my life or identity any more than someone with dyslexia, alcoholism, red hair, or a limp is defined by just that one aspect of their life."

Treatment of Asperger's in Culture and Society

Treatment of AS varies throughout Hollywood. The most common portrayal seems to be that of the awkward "little professor." Other possible portrayals of adults with Asperger's include Matthew from NewsRadio and Reverend Jimfrom Taxi. AS will often be stereotyped, with anyone who has it being shown as a textbook case. AS is unfortunately still in the Hollywood stage where, when a character has it, it will be his defining characteristic or even his full personality. There probably never will be a Hollywood film with a "100 %" accurate depiction of AS - because it really does vary from person to person. There are certain films that attempt to depict how a person with Asperger's Syndrome would go about finding love: Mozart and the Whale is about a male and female Aspie who meet each other, and Adam has an orphaned Aspie young man find himself falling for the new tenant in his apartment. More recently, a 2010 remake of the TV series Parenthood features a child with Asperger's, luckily presented in a stereotypical yet kind portrayal (tics, need for schedule structure, and a particular enhanced/hyperfocused hearing ability).

The severity of Asperger's and autism varies, hence the "autistic spectrum" (some refer to Asperger's as "autism-lite"). Some people are lucky enough to have a mild enough case that, although it affects how they live and interact, they can also deal with society as a whole while others may have severe enough cases that they require close and near-constant supervision and won't interact much at all with anyone. It can be hard to tell: someone's upbringing and education can make a huge difference, and being aware of the condition and how to deal with it often helps a lot.

Note that there is no known prevention or cure for Asperger's; it's neither a disease nor ailment, but a fundamental difference in the way the brain is wired. Treatment only exists in isolating problematic symptoms and making an effort to overcome or work around them. There is a lot of misinformation going around about the nature of Asperger's, often thanks to the above misdiagnoses and the following backlash, and you really should do the research before you end up making the wrong assumptions in front of the genuinely diagnosed.

It is open to debate whether Asperger's is simply a collection of traits that every human being has to some degree or another. It has been said that Asperger's is contagious; their logical thinking and open-voiced approach to telling you what they think makes them good at bringing you around to their point of veiw. The irony here is that AS is characterized by an absence of social empathy and that copying others' behavior unconsciously is socially empathetic.

It's important to note that while Aspies can be very nice, open people, that doesn't mean they're all nice all the time, or that they're naive. They may not have the same empathic connection to the world as you do, but they sure are good at working out how other people think (partly because they had to put so much more effort into working it out in their youth; talent is cheap). It's something of a 50/50 whether an Aspie wishes they weren't, or they may actually look down on Neurotypical people, thinking of them as mindless sheep following the status quo, dishonest and arrogant, or even cruel and insensitive. Try to upset them deliberately and you'll rarely get the reaction you expected, because the two most confusing emotions for Aspies are sorrow and anger. And while it depends on the individual, they may have a very unexpected Berserk Button.

In professional fields, those with Asperger's are sometimes Bunny Ears Lawyers (or The Wonka if they're the one in charge). Some, however, will just come across as either oversensitive or as unpopular Jerkasses. Many of the outward symptoms also share at least some similarities to Japan's Hikikomori especially with regard to socialization; Aspergers has been described as one of the traits according to some Japanese commentators.

A large number of psychologists, mental health groups and people with Asperger's have started referring to people with the condition as "aspies", though some have mixed feelings about the term, even if it does make talking about them much more convenient. There is still a lot unknown about Asperger's Syndrome, as with most mental conditions, and research into the condition continues today. Likewise, the term "Neurotypical" is sometimes used as an in joke by people diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders to refer to people who aren't diagnosed with one, and some use it as an insult or slur. Allistic is another term used to refer to non-autistic people, as neurotypical or neurodivergent can also refer to people with, say, bipolar disorder or depression. Alternatively, some consider it more polite to refer to someone with Asperger's as someone who has Asperger's. For example, saying "I talked with John who has Asperger's" rather than "I talked to John the Aspie". Putting the person first, before the disorder, is important to many people who either see it as just another trait such as hair or eye color or don't want to define the person by what they see as a disease that he or she has. Of course, like every other issue as to how to treat autistic people, not everyone agrees on this, as some may see it as patronizing. Most of the people who push for people-first language are, in fact, parents, rather than people who actually have Asperger's. Often, people who actually have autism spectrum disorders prefer to be referred to as "an autistic person" or "an autistic" rather than "someone with autism", because their autism is such an integral part of their identity. They know that any negative aspects of it could not be gotten rid of without also getting rid of the positive aspects, such as an amazing memory, or visual thinking.

One more important thing to remember: People with AS are capable of overcoming several of the signs mentioned above and learning the socially acceptable behaviors, just like anyone else, especially with the help of therapy; just because someone with autism starts out lacking understanding of social cues doesn't necessarily mean that they'll never be able to immensely improve it. Speech issues can be corrected with speech therapy, and given time, some can develop a broader range of interests. Therefore, it should never be assumed that someone is not autistic simply because they don't overtly display any signs. It is fairly normal to encounter people with Asperger's who are surface-level indistinguishable from neurotypical people until you spend a great deal of time with them. Or until they come right out and tell you.

Resources for People with Asperger's

If you have Asperger's (or suspect you might), don't fear! Although people with Asperger's have more social challenges than the average person, these challenges can be overcome. Plus, there are a lot of resources out there to help you.

Counseling. If you have not been formally diagnosed with Asperger's, a diagnosis is your first step. See a psychologist who specializes in Asperger's or High Functioning Autism. This is the person who is best qualified to diagnose you and then help you after the diagnosis. If you have been diagnosed but are not currently seeing a counselor, consider signing up for an appointment. Weekly meetings with someone who understands the way you are wired can be an invaluable resource to improving yourself.

Social Skills Guides. Social skills, like any other skill, can be learned. It just takes study and practice. Fortunately, there are lot of resources available to help you study. Here are a few: Succeed Socially, or Improve Your Social Skills (need to pay for some of the content) . You can also check out your local bookstore—many books on conversation, etiquette or relationships will be helpful to you.

Online Communities. You Are Not Alone. Get linked up with other people with Asperger's or other people who are trying to improve their social skills and you will have much more success. Check out the communities at WrongPlanet.net, Aspies Central, Psych Forums Asperger's Forum or /r/SocialSkills.

Support Groups.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 98, April 2018

On Easter Monday, I went to Village Cinemas Fountain Gate to see a special screening of Peter Rabbit to celebrate World Autism Awareness Day. As part of the screening, they showed a short film called Spectrospective: Stories of Autism 2018 which features a collection of individuals who are living with Autism. It was really touching hearing about all their experiences particularly at school and all the difficulties and challenges they’ve had to deal with. Personally, I feel proud to be Autistic. https://youtu.be/EG7NdA2dA_M

The session was also a “sensory friendly film” which means that the cinema lights are left on when the movie is playing and the volume is softer during the movie. https://villagecinemas.com.au/events/sensory-friendly-films

Peter Rabbit is based upon the characters and tales in Beatrix Potter’s classic 1902 novel “The Tale of Peter Rabbit”. Obviously over its 100+ year lifespan, Potter’s story has been adapted to death but here is the first time they’ve mixed live action with CGI animation and setting the story in a more modern setting. The film begins with the first of many hilarious singing bird sequences which always ends up with an abruptly hilarious interruption.

After the old Mr. McGregor has an unfortunate heart attack, Peter Rabbit (James Corden) and his three sisters Flopsy (Margot Robbie), Mopsy (Elizabeth Debicki) and Cotton-Tail (Daisy Ridley) successfully reclaim the vegetable garden that they’ve made their home for many years. That is until Thomas McGregor (Domhnall Gleeson) ends up inheriting the property from his late Great Uncle and leaves behind Harrod’s Department Store where he works.

Through some lovely nods to the illustration work of Potter’s original story, we learn of how Peter Rabbit’s parents met their demise and the also feature as artworks in Bea’s (Rose Bryne) art studio. Bea is the friendly next-door neighbour to the McGregors and has always been very protective and nurturing towards Peter Rabbit, his family and friends. But when Thomas McGregor arrives on the property, he is determined to woo her over and get rid of Peter Rabbit by any means necessary.

And so begins the endless war between the rabbits and Mr. McGregor as he desperately tries to protect his vegetable garden (and mostly fails). The style is very reminiscent of the classic Looney Tunes like Road Runner and Bugs Bunny vs. Elmer Fudd with lots of gags and physical slapstick comedy used. A lot of the dialogue is very rude at times but it does have a certain charm. It’s balanced well with a few emotional scenes and shows that Peter Rabbit does have a softer, more kindhearted side behind the tough, rebellious exterior.

Directed by Will Gluck, this adaptation could have potentially been a trainwreck as it is very bold, adventurous and wild but there is plenty of fun to be had here if you don’t take it too seriously. Plus the references to Beatrix Potter’s original novel and illustrations makes it worth watching. 8/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5117670/?ref_=nv_sr_1

On Tuesday night, I had my yardSTRONG session at The Yard Strength & Fitness in Pakenham. I was still very much in recovery mode after my busy Easter weekend but I did spend the afternoon trying to nap and relax at home to make up for lack of sleep. I’ve also had to quickly adjust to daylight savings ending with the darkness falling around 7pm. Tonight we worked on mostly sled pulling and pushing by gradually adding more and more weight plates. This movement works on the feet, lower legs, quads, hamstrings, glutes, arms and core. https://drjohnrusin.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-prowler-sled-training/

To warm up, we did 5 rounds of the following exercises: ring rows/pull ups, push ups and get ups. I still find get ups to be the most challenging for me as it’s difficult remembering the sequence and I end up tying myself in knots but it’s still fun. Next we worked on the sled pulls and pushes as mentioned above. We started at 50kg (sled plus 15kg plate) and did a TABATA styled rally of 1 minute work, 1 minute rest. Every 2 minutes, we added more weight. It didn’t take long for me to feel the burn in my hammys and glutes (Great way to burn off those Easter eggs and hot cross buns!).

Tonight’s workout involved doing a 20 minute EMOTM (Every Minute On The Minute) consisting of: A 15m sled push (maximum weight) and 5 burpees. Rodney and I alternated every minute and it didn’t take long for me to start fatiguing and getting sweaty. Though I was impressed how quickly I was getting the work done. Most rounds I was finishing it in under 30 seconds and therefore getting 30 seconds or more to rest. Our maximum weight on the sled was approximately 80kg which is pretty heavy for me.

On Thursday morning, I had my Employ Your Mind appointment with Ally at WISE Employment in Cranbourne. It’s the third week of Phase 1 and today we discussed the next couple of assessments which would look at my memory, concentration and problem solving skills. I had to complete ARCS (Audio recorded Cognitive Screen) which was a half hour long audio recording and assessment where I had to do tasks like memorising word lists, completing sequences of letters, identifying objects etc.

I also decided to talk about the recent progress with my VCAT case. After a month long wait, I’d finally received my tribunal order via email for Melise and Tony to pay me back the $575.00 that they owed me. However, now I have to decide whether it’s worth taking this higher to the Magistrates Court in Dandenong as a tribunal order doesn’t have much enforcement. And to do that, I’ll need some assistance as the case becomes more complicated and filled with legal jargon that I don’t understand. But still it’s a significant milestone for me.

On Thursday afternoon, I had my counselling appointment with Ruth at Piece Together Counselling in Narre Warren. I spent half the session recapping on the last few weeks such as my birthday celebrations, the Aspergers meeting and social night, work and the VCAT case. Then things took an unexpected turn when the topic of conversation went to my Dad. It’s something I rarely open up to anybody about as it’s a sensitive subject for me.

He’s left a large gaping black void in my life for over 30 years now so there’s a lot of healing and unpacking of issues that needs to be done. My relationship with Dad has been rocky to say the least. We have very minimal contact, only the odd text message now and then. But I actually did appreciate the birthday and Easter cards that he sent me last week. It shows that there must be some part of him that still cares about me.

But it’s still tough because he’s not physically present in my life. I’ve been searching for mostly male figures to fill in that void, to be able to fill in emotional needs and understanding. But it never really works. He’s said things to me in the past which have deeply hurt me and it really sucks because it’s made me question how much he really loves me as a son. There’s a lot of old baggage that needs to be sorted through but I’m really glad that I made a start on it with Ruth today. https://www.piecetogethercousellingnarrewarren.org/

On Friday morning, Mum and I spent some time visiting the coastal Gippsland town of Tooradin. We visited a couple of shops along the main street including the Pelican Cafe, the Discount Book Store, the Opp Shop and a Wig store. I managed to find an original set of Beatrix Potter novels with her “The Tales of” series plus a Colour Me Happy adult colouring book. Compared to where I live in Narre Warren South, the pace and lifestyle down at Tooradin is much more relaxed and casual. People are out near the lake walking their dogs and everyone is nice and friendly to you which is always a good thing. https://www.travelvictoria.com.au/tooradin/

[gaiatheorist]

What have I ‘got’?

Brain damage, or ‘Acquired Brain Injuries’, depending who I’m speaking to, my ability so say, and spell ‘subarachnoid haemorrhage’ appears to be working against me, in the UK’s labyrinthine and convoluted disability benefit system, though.

I have a task on my desk, it’s a self-set task, and I don’t want to do it, but my Welfare Rights Advocate is proving himself unreliable. He’s supposed to be ‘supporting’ me with my PIP tribunal, but he’s evasive, untrustworthy, and a little bit patronising. I have a note of all the times he’s said he was going to do something, and then not done it, frustrating for me, because I’m out of my depth with the tribunal evidence. (I’m not, I’m fully conversant with the majority of the 300+ pages on my desk, most of it being the evidence I submitted in the first place. I’ve typed-up the notes I took contesting the speculation, omissions, and, shall we say ‘mis-recorded results’ from ATOS/DWP, so the Advocate can read them. I’ve also tidied up the bits I’d put in ranty capital letters, and toned down the swearing.) 

The task. When I was referred to Workplace Well-being, about a year ago, my Union Representative asked me to ‘write a list of all my difficulties’ to take with me. ‘Other’ people love a good list, don’t they? (’Othering’, there, watch yourself.) I didn’t want to ‘write a list’, mainly because I hate reflecting on all of the things ‘wrong’ with me, but also because loads of paper with just ‘things’ noted on them in a random order serve no functional purpose. The rep will have seen it as a memory aid, in case I forgot something, my functional/working memory does let me down on a regular basis, there are work-around strategies for that. I wrote the list, because I was very mindful of the need to follow instructions, but the original nurse who assessed me (before transferring my case to a doctor, who told me “This case should never have been assessed by a nurse, it’s far too complex.”) didn’t look at it. No reflection on her procedural-practice, there, she asked me questions, and I was able to answer most of them. The Union Rep was frustrated with me when she saw the nurse’s report, and asked me if I’d ‘really’ explained my difficulties. Well, Union Rep, yes, I did, that’s why the nurse is recommending that I’m ‘unfit’ for a minimum of 12 weeks, and need a full functional/cognitive assessment via Neurology. (Honestly, am I the only one who can read? Still haven’t had the functional assessment, either.) That was the start of the task, and I need to re-do it.

I was going to go list-style again, but break it into Physical/Intellectual/Emotional/Social categories. (Yes, I did support GCSE Health and Social Care lessons, about a million years ago.) Breaking my ‘list’ into categories gives me an element of control, I only have to focus on one ‘bit at a time, it reduces the risk of me becoming overwhelmed at having to think of all of it, all at once. Again. I’ve spent almost three years trying not to reflect too much on which bits of me no longer function properly, and the adaptations I’ve absorbed/normalised to keep myself, and others safe, now the PIP-system is making me do precisely that. A ‘list’ of all-that-ails-me still serves no purpose, it would be like the world’s worst shopping list, “Constant headaches, light aversion, sporadic tics and tremors, mood swings, sleep disturbance, have we any milk left, inattention.” It would just be a load of words, on some paper, the Advocate boldly stated that he’d write my ‘witness statement’ for me, I think he meant ‘impact statement’, but I’m not having a man who uses multiple consecutive punctuation marks in text-messages writing anything ‘for’ me. He doesn’t live in this state, I do. 

Right, it’s not going to be a list, it’s going to be a table, ‘Issue’, ‘Impact’ and ‘Adaptations/Strategies’, broken down into the ‘PIES’ categories, for ease of reading by other people. Yes, I ‘could’ potentially be shooting myself in the foot, here, because the adaptations/strategies I’m using mean that I ‘can’ complete the majority of the ‘descriptor activities’. Eventually. That’s what’s REALLY wrong with the PIP-system, apart from it being operated by shady individuals only interested in finding a way to refuse claims, in my experience. I didn’t tick the ‘unable to’ box for any of the descriptors, and I’m smirking now, about my ‘traits consistent with Autism’, I won’t lie, and it doesn’t matter how many times DWP/ATOS ask me the same question (not even bothering to change the phrasing, amateurs.) they will get the same answer, because this is my life. DWP/ATOS are using a one-size-fits-all template for EVERY disability claim, it’s the same form for every applicant/disability/condition, and it’s heavily skewed towards physical capabilities. ATOS/DWP are effectively banging a hamster through the star-shaped hole on a Fisher Price shape-sorter, certain tabloids and media sources are shouting at the hamster to stop being lazy, and run, and then the ‘assessor’ gives the shape-sorter a good kick, and ticks the ‘able to move 20m’ box. If you’re not paraplegic, or in a coma, you’re not disabled-enough for this system, ‘making work pay’, and all that, ‘we’ must be capable of something. (Side-smirk, because the ‘work related activity’ scheme in my area is run by Serco, do we think I’d suit a security-guard uniform?)

I spent 6 hours last weekend line-by-line picking through the ‘evidence’ DWP/ATOS might-intend to submit to the tribunal. I say ‘might’, because they’re asking the panel to dismiss my case unheard, SUPERB scare-tactic there. Some people would give up at that point, unfortunately for DWP, I’m not one of them. I say ‘evidence’ because most of the ATOS-end of it is speculation and opinion, there is literally no reference made to the medical evidence I submitted until now, when I’m effectively taking them to court. Process that, they’ve had a huge pile of medical evidence from me twice now, and they make no reference at all to it, focusing instead on my ability to ‘bend forward at the waist and reach mid-shin with both hands.’ The last nurse-practitioner that ‘assessed’ me has recorded results for a ‘test’ she didn’t do, and very-much ‘mis-recorded’ some of her other ‘informal observations.’ My functional memory fluctuates, but my stress/crisis recall is phenomenal, my A-level ‘General Studies’ exam paper had an article from a Spanish newspaper about foxes, the only question I couldn’t answer on my GCSE Maths paper was the spider-diagram one, when I was 11, my primary school teacher made the whole class copy from a reading book as a punishment. “A Dog So Small, by Phillipa Pearce. The tapping on the window woke him, fast asleep, and then wide awake, because of the tapping. Perhaps the pigeon always woke this early, he was usually tapping when the boys awoke. That was usually much later, with the smell of breakfast...” Put me under ‘test conditions’, or in a stressful/crisis situation, and my recall will be utterly flawless, I’m buggered if I can remember what I went into Tesco for, though.

My ridiculous memory aside, I have nearly 5000 words of annotation/points of contention with the ATOS/DWP evidence/reports, it’s possible that I’ve typed more words than the ‘assessors’ and ‘decision makers’, AND all of mine are spelled properly, even the really big ones. (Irritability, classic symptom of frontal lobe brain injuries, I get the “Can’t people READ/WRITE?” anger very frequently.) A couple of pages in, the boss decision-maker has recorded “has mental health issues” before even mentioning the brain injuries. I’ll leave out the side-rage at the lower-level decision-maker recording “she is not depression.” on another page, no, dear I’m not depression, but I am about to make your life less pleasant. 

“Has mental health issues.” is what triggered this pile of waffle, that, and REALLY not wanting to start the PIES-table thing. ‘Has mental health issues’ is what ATOS/DWP will likely use as their ‘get out of jail’ card, because when someone has mental health issues, the go-to option is medication, whack enough Prozac in us, and we eventually stop complaining about stuff, don’t we? Do I have ‘mental health issues’? Probably. Do I have any active diagnosis of a mental health condition requiring medication? No. I don’t know if they’re referring to my PTSD, or speculating based on my presentation at assessment. If they try to suggest that I am suffering from depression, I have medical evidence from two different doctors that I’m not, and the idiot who typed ‘is not depression’ onto the forms has undermined that ‘argument’ before it starts.

I was relatively functional within the parameters of my PTSD, actually, no, I was hyper-functional in many areas, which is why I was so very good at some parts of a career I no longer have. That hyper-functionality is hard-wired, but my brain is now re-wired, there are tangles of wires sealing up two aneurysms, and a third one just sitting there lurking in a ‘risky’ position on my Choroidal artery, if that one blows, it’s ‘Goodnight, Vienna.’ I’m still incredibly high-functioning, but only for part of the day, my brain effectively does a whole day’s work by lunch-time, because I over-process everything, I can’t ‘not’ do that. The over-processing causes my evidenced-damaged brain to tire more easily than a fully functioning one, by late afternoon, I can feel the fogginess starting to creep in, and I’m next-to-useless in the evening. My long-suffering son has observed his highly intelligent, incredibly articulate mother descend into cognitive fatigue, and sit in this armchair dribbling like an imbecile, and falling asleep. That’s our ‘normal’ now, when he’s back from university, and it shouldn’t have to be, I can’t imagine how traumatic it must be for him watching me ‘slip’ every evening, after being in the ambulance with me while the haemorrhage and hydrocephalus were crushing my brain. 

In a weird way, the PTSD over-processing has probably kept me alive. I’m constantly assessing for threats and risks. Constantly. It’s not as linear-simple as applying the cause-trauma to everyday situations, ‘that’ is never going to happen again, for reasons I’m not going to explain here. Constantly, and everything, it was exhausting enough before the additional layer of trauma added by the near miss with the chap with the scythe. CBT won’t unpick it, because if I don’t-assess everything I potentially place myself or others at risk of harm. EMDR can’t do anything to ‘desensitise’ my threat-perception that I haven’t already done myself. The doctors have never found a combination of drugs that balanced me properly, the hyper-vigilance is just a ‘thing’, background noise that was bearable before my brain injuries, it’s exhausting ‘now’, but threat-checking keeps me safe. (I will EXPLODE if DWP/ATOS try to label it ‘generalised anxiety.’)

If they’re not going with the PTSD (funnily enough, I don’t actually have a formal diagnosis, I slipped the term to my GP once, and he agreed, it just sort of ‘stuck’ after that.) it might be the ‘Depression?’ recorded on my initial discharge-notes from hospital after the haemorrhage. (Very irritable face, it’s the same as all of my other faces, you learn how to poker-face quite quickly when you realise that your first impulse on just about anything could land you with a criminal record.) When I was admitted to hospital, the medics asked the ex about my previous medical history, I imagine the kid might have replied “Have you looked in your sock drawer?” if his mother hadn’t been dying in front of him. The ex was useless on anything that wasn’t motorbikes, 1980s synthesiser music, or asking for more toast, the sock-drawer was a running joke between the kid and I, due to the number of times the ex would stand on the upstairs landing, and shout downstairs “Have I got any clean socks?” instead of looking in the bastard sock-drawer. Sock-rage, I haven’t had to deal with that for a very long time, there was some sort of force-field around the laundry basket, meaning he couldn’t put ANYTHING in it. All of his clothes, whether they were the clean ones I’d folded and put on his side of the bed, to encourage him to put them away himself, and stop asking me “Have you seen my Kraftwerk T-shirt?”, or the absolutely minging-filthy work clothes he’d wear for weeks on end, ended up on the floor at his side of the bed. The socks were even worse, he’d come home from work, take his socks off, and leave them in the living room. I stopped collecting them after a while, because I had enough ‘else’ to do without picking up after a grown man. Sock-rant over, the ex told the medic “I think she’s got depression, but I don’t know if she’s on anything for it.” If they’d asked him about motorbikes, or what order to put fillings in sandwiches, he’d have known that. 

So, ‘Depression?’ is recorded on my discharge-notes. I REALLY upset the nurse who’d recorded it, in a twist of fate, she was my assigned nurse after the second round of surgery. I was mad at the ex, I wasn’t angry with her, but, at the shift-handover she described me as ‘strange, controlling and manipulative.’ I’m not manipulative, am I?  

I probably ‘should’ be depressed, but my medical notes state I’m not, so, what have I ‘got’? (I’m putting that in quotation marks because it was the ex’s retarded terminology, a person may ‘have’, or ‘suffer from’ depression, they haven’t ‘got’ it.) What I have is a combination of brain injuries, and some maladaptive coping mechanisms. I have ‘had’ historical mental health issues, and I’m awaiting a neuro-psych assessment to see which diagnostic criteria I fit this time. I have multiple traits consistent with Autism, but I’d always assumed they were due to the traumatic/developmental/attachment issues, rather than an organic cause. Thinking back of myself as a child, yes, I would have ticked most of the boxes for an AS diagnosis. I have traits consistent with Oppositional Defiant  Disorder, which is a relatively new addition to the DSM-5, but sits neatly around my tendencies to generally be a Terrible Bastard. My sick-notes were all generic ‘stress related disorder’, because we don’t say ‘nervous breakdown’ any more. Elements of my disability fit the profiles for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia, two of my nieces have disability-awards for fatigue, and they don’t have chunks of metal in their brains. I’m not neurotic, or a hypochondriac, which is a good thing, because the veritable telephone-directory of side-effects from brain trauma would have a ‘worrier’ setting up camp in A&E, there hasn’t been a single day since February 2015 where I haven’t been dealing with one side-issue or another. I probably ‘should’ be more anxious about my health than I am, but that way lies ruin, I assess myself every day, and ‘work with the tools I have’. 

Enough of this now, or I’ll use up all of my functional eye-time, and end up having an argument with myself about doing the impact statement ‘tomorrow.’ The PIP system is very flawed, it’s not in the least bit fit-for-purpose, and I need to ensure that my evidence is reasoned, accountable, and coherent. I am a very complex case, but my ability to articulate that is working against me, because the system ‘sees’ me when I’m lucid, not when I’m trying to put both of my socks on the same foot, or finding a meal from several days ago in the microwave. Throw into the equation that Universal Credit is also fundamentally flawed, and it’s fairly obvious why I’m having more wobbly/off days recently. My work-coach has cut me down to 10 hours per week of actively seeking employment, because she’s seen my health deteriorate during this PIP process. That’s all well and good, but I’m on a knife-edge financially, if, despite her doing what she can to reduce my ‘claimant commitment’, the computer system decides to invite me to apply for an unsuitable job, I’m at risk of sanctions. Poverty-porn, I have no heating, I’m sitting here in four jumpers, shopping once a fortnight, and eating once a day. I’m not asking for champagne and caviar, I’m asking for a disability benefit that would allow me to work part-time, because I’m not fully functional full-time.

What do I have? A pile of horrible paperwork, an unreliable advocate, and unemployment benefit that doesn’t cover my basic outgoings. What am I? I’m tenacious, resilient, determined, intelligent, articulate, reasoned, accountable, honest, and bloody exhausted from jumping through DWP’s various hoops.  

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 72, October 2017

"Overcoming self-doubt is all about believing we're enough and letting go of what the world says we're supposed to be and supposed to call ourselves."        The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr. Brene Brown (p. 115)

On Monday morning, I participated in the Do It In A Dress charity event at UFT PLAYgrounds in Berwick. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to this event but most of it was self-generated inside my head. I’ve had self-confidence issues most of my life so wearing a dress in public is a massive step up for me. I’m putting myself out of my comfort zone, supporting an important cause and being a part of something bigger than myself. I ended up putting about $10-15 in small change into the money box plus I made an online donation a few weeks ago.

Past Michael would have caved into the fear and ran for the hills (Fear of being laughed at by others, fear of being embarrassed or humiliated, fear of being rejected or socially excluded). But Present Michael is much stronger than that and the reality is that most of those things won’t actually happen. Every personal trainer, coach and client will be wearing a dress of some kind so therefore I won’t be standing out for all the wrong reasons. Plus this event is meant to be fun.

The event was organised by personal trainer Sheena Mabilangan. The aim is to raise money towards educating young girls in Uganda and Sierra Leone who can’t afford to go to school or aren’t allowed to simply because they are born a girl. So the idea is to wear a dress for the girls who can’t. You can find out more information about the cause and the Do It In A Dress event here: http://www.doitinadress.com/

WARM-UP...So this morning I did my usual flowing sequence of yoga stretches...thread the needle, pigeon pose (10 on each side) plus five minutes standing on the balance board. I decided to vent my frustrations about work to Luke because it was still plaguing my mind from yesterday. It was a very exhausting and stressful day for me but I got through it without having a mental breakdown or bawling my eyes out.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I worked on my single back squats, doing 5 sets of 1’s and getting up to 95kg. I got myself a little confused at the start as I wasn’t sure if we were doing 4’s, 2’s or 1’s. But the biggest challenge for me was keeping my chest lifted up during the ascent. Part of it was a mental battle of being able to handle the pressure of the weight on my back but eventually I got it. It was just navigating the period of adjustment to lifting a heavier weight than normal and concentrating on getting my form correct. But I was still very proud of my efforts.

WORKOUT...Today’s workout involved doing 3 rounds of the following movements: 20m sled push, 10 squats, 20m sled pull, 10 squats and a 200m run. Whilst the first of the workout was definitely tough from a strength and fatigue perspective, the run was the thing that got me the most. I do feel like I am making some significant improvements though. Remembering to breathe, keeping my chest lifted up and arms in a swinging motion. But eventually, I just run out of gas and that’s when the heavy panting and breathlessness begins. Still I managed to smash the workout and that’s what really matters. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

On Monday night, I decided to take a second bite of the cherry and came down for an Ultimate Bootcamp session at UFT PLAYgrounds in Berwick. By this point, I was feeling rather worn out and mentally exhausted from the weekend and this morning, but I was determined to put myself out there again in my One Girl school dress. I know that most people at UFT are more than happy to put themselves out there and having an extroverted personality certainly helps but for me, it’s certainly a lot more challenging exposing myself like this.

But everyone today has been really supportive and encouraging about the cause and the way I look in the dress. The last thing I wanted was to be put down, mocked and laughed at. But that’s what anxiety does...creates the worst possible scenario inside your head when the reality is it’s probably not going to happen. Like I said to Luke Davey this morning, just tell that fear to fuck off!

This was my first time doing an Ultimate Bootcamp class at UFT. I was feeling a little nervous as there was a lot of other classes happening at the same time. It was just a small group tonight which I was comfortable with. We warmed up by playing a game of stick master followed by flip the tyre. I found both of these really fun and thankfully this helped to release some awkward social tension I was having.

Next we had to do 3 rounds of: 1 minute row, 1 minute rest, 200m run, 1 minute rest. I’ve never really been a competitive person even in a group training environment. In fact, the most important advice I’ve ever received is this “Don’t worry about anyone else. The only person you should be competing against is yourself.” I was having some issues keeping up at times but I didn’t care. I just did the best I could to keep a good, consistent pace.

The workout involved a 25 minute AMRAP including 50 kettle bell swings, 50 kettle bell lunges, 50 burpees and 50 hollow rocks. This workout absolutely killed me. First of all, I’ve never done a 25 minute AMRAP before tonight so that in itself was a huge challenge for me. Then there was the mental pressure, fatigue and struggle to keep going. It got harder and harder for me to hold that kettle bell up but I didn’t give up.

I got kinda sensitive towards the end but reminded myself not to take things personally. There were times when I really needed to rest in between reps because I was physically exhausted and burning out. I honestly didn’t care what anyone thought because I was still giving it 110% effort even during the last few minutes. I AM GOOD ENOUGH! And I should be proud of myself for not only getting through this workout but the whole day in general. http://www.uftplaygrounds.com.au/ul...

On Tuesday afternoon, I had my third appointment with Dr. Yasmin Baliz at CNS: Comprehensive Neuropsychological Services in Narre Warren. Today was my final day of assessment for the Autism Spectrum Disorder and thankfully it was nowhere near as stressful or brain-straining as last week’s session was. I had to fill in a number of questionnaires ranging from 30-60 questions each as well as another verbal response test.

The first questionnaire was the DASS (Depression Anxiety Stress Scales) which thankfully I’ve done before with a previous psychologist. This was all about measuring my moods and emotional states. There were two other paper questionnaires which had the options of: Strongly agree, slightly agree, slightly disagree, strongly disagree. The statements were all situation based and if it applies to me. I also had to do an online questionnaire featuring the options: Never, sometimes and always. http://www2.psy.unsw.edu.au/dass/ov...

Some of the questions where only hard because I tend to get indecisive about which option to pick and whether it’s the correct response for me but you just have to go with your gut and try to be as honest as possible. The verbal response test was mostly easy but at times I do have trouble explaining myself or coming up with a coherent answer inside my head. Part of it is certainly overthinking but the other part is finding the right words to say. But Dr. Yasmin was patient and allowed me time to think if I needed to.

And now it’s a 3 week wait until my final feedback session whilst Dr. Yasmin prepares my report. It was also a huge relief to know that I am able to pay the report off in installments rather than in full. $500 is a lot of money to fork out but I do believe that it’s worth it in terms of improving my social skills, personal development and emotional well-being going forward into the future. And if Dr. Yasmin can offer me any additional support services to help me then I’m all the better for doing this. http://www.cnspsych.com.au/

On Wednesday morning, I had my second Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. It was a challenging day for me considering I was still recovering from Monday. The soreness in my lower back became a huge distraction for me and unfortunately it gave my inner critic plenty of opportunity to kick off and make the session harder than it should have been.

WARM-UP...I felt that it was really important to be up front with Luke about the soreness and pain I was still experiencing in my lower back before starting. So he got me to roll out and do some pretzel stretches to help release and ease some of the discomfort. I also did 3 rounds of 12 single arm balancing deadlifts with the kettle bell. The pain started flaring up again towards the end of the second round and I was beginning to get frustrated.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I worked on my single deadlifts, doing 4 sets of 1’s at 105kg and one set of 1’s at 110kg. I was really struggling hard even putting the plates on the bar and starting at 40-60kg. The negative thoughts began flooding in as the soreness began to intensify in my back (God this must be so painful for Luke to watch. This is not my best performance at all. I’m taking far too long and even lifting 60kg is really hard for me today. I don’t think I can do this).

But thankfully I managed to silence my inner critic and somehow find the fire within. It was really tough but with Luke’s help, I managed to slowly shift my mindset, get the posture correct, chalked up my hands, put maximum effort into my deadlift and feel confident about it. Luke knew that I was capable of lifting more and so I smashed out a single 110kg deadlift which is a PB for me. I could have lifted heavier but knew that this was my limit for today and next time I’m sure I could hit 115-120kg.

On Thursday morning, Mum and I went down to do some shopping at IKEA Springvale. I absolutely love visiting IKEA mainly because I see it more as an adventure rather just a typical “just looking” shopping experience. The layout of the departments is very unique compared to most other large retailers with a top level dedicated to showrooms and interior displays and the bottom level dedicated to homewares, lighting, decor and furniture.

It’s one of those things I only do a couple of times per year and I find that they’re always changing the layout and introducing new products into the store as well as traditional IKEA staples. You start by “borrowing” a large yellow bag and a trolley, and move your way from one section to the next. There was plenty of bargains and cheap impulse purchases to be had...artificial plants, candles, coat hangers, dish brushes, lamps, bath mats, peelers, spray bottles, watering cans, throw rugs, cushions, towels, lint rollers, drinking glasses etc.

The IKEA Restaurant and Cafe is very American Cafeteria styled as you grab a food tray and work your way along the different cabinets...desserts, drinks, hot food, pastries, coffee and tea. Being close to Christmas, there was a festive promo area set up in front of the checkouts with everything from wrapping paper and napkins to decorations, lights and soft toys. And of course, Mum and I could leave before having a $1 hotdog. http://www.ikea.com/au/en/store/spr... 

On Thursday night, I went to my Water Workout class at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. As usual, I decided to spend about 20-30 minutes before the class doing some hydrotherapy on my lower back to ease off any soreness and release any tension. I’ve also started contemplating using the sauna on a more regular basis. The most important thing about sitting in a sauna is to gradually build up heat tolerance over time. Tonight, 5-10 minutes was enough for me but I did my best to relax and embrace the humidity inside the room. https://www.naturalhealthmag.com.au/... 

Tonight’s class was run by fitness instructor Janine and it was a small class of only 6 people. The structure was a little different to previous classes in that all the exercises were done using basic interval training in mind...50 seconds of work, 10 seconds of rest. We did several aqua movements including: jogging, rock ‘n’ roll, mermaid, ski poles, star jumps, tuck jumps, pendulum, donkey kicks and running. http://woman.thenest.com/water-aero... 

On Friday morning, I had my third Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. I still have mixed feelings about my progress and performance today. My emotions definitely got in the way particularly during the workout and certain things really got me down after leaving. But at least I can say that I put 110% effort into it. Every struggle is real for me. I don’t put it on and I don’t bullshit. But that doesn’t mean I’m weak either. This is something that I genuinely hope Luke recognises in me. 

WARMUP...Today I started by doing some stretches into my shoulders and pectoral muscles on each side before doing 3 rounds of 10 plank holds with shoulder lifts. I also did 2 rounds of 10 kettle bell overhead lifts. 

DEVELOPMENT...Today I returned to doing dumbbell bench press, 5 rounds of 8 reps at 30kg (15kg x 2). I started off really shaky and found it hard controlling the movement of the dumbbells but over time, I was slowly getting better at it.  

WORKOUT...There was so much going on physically and mentally for me during this workout that I didn’t even think I could finish it at one point. I did four rounds of the following: 350 row, 20 pushups, 15 ring rows and 10 box jumps. I was absolutely fine on the rowing machine. It was more of a mental challenging of wondering if I was going fast enough and being able to handle the fatigue building up. 

The pushups were easily the hardest for me. I did really well during the first two rounds before things became almost too much for me. I was getting very hard on myself for collapsing onto the foam mat and missing reps. Tears were mixing in with sweat as I contemplated whether I could finish this or not. I was worried about disappointing Luke and basically felt embarrassed about my performance. I just struggled heaps with it. 

The ring rows were really tough also but nowhere near as bad as the pushups. I did have to stop a few times to recover and shake the physical fatigue out but otherwise I did well. The box jumps were easily my strongest area. No longer did I feel anxious about tripping over the box or letting the height intimidate me. The fire within really unleashed here as I literally stomped onto the box. I think it was me releasing a lot of pent up negative emotions and saying “I can fucking do this” with my body language. 

On Friday afternoon, Mum and I visited the Cat Cafe Melbourne in the city. Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about replacement buses or rushing to get there on time. I really wanted to use my hour session wisely and let it all sink in. The cat’s there are all so beautiful and for the most part placid. This was exactly what I needed after how upset and stressed I was feeling about my training session this morning. A welcome distraction to wind myself down.   

They had a selection of slices, cakes and biscuits all with cat designs on them as well as some coffees and teas. There is also a gift shop downstairs which sold everything from toys, cat nip and a drinking fountain to notebooks, magnets, pens, diaries, games and plush soft toys. I really enjoyed myself today and I’m glad that my friend Amy Amy suggested this place to me. Highly recommended for all cat lovers. https://catcafemelbourne.com/ 

“In my defense, all my intentions were good. And heaven knows a place somewhere for the misunderstood.  You know I'd give you blood if it'd be enough...For what it's worth, I'm sorry for the hurt. I'll be the first to say, I made my own mistakes. For what it's worth, I know it's just a word and words betray. Sometimes we lose our way.”                                                                           Liam Gallagher - For What It’s Worth (2017)