#tons of emotionally charged hate sex i imagine

[priarity]

does anyone else get huge catradora vibes from fengqing or am i losing it

[everybodyscupoftea]

dumbass quotes

hi! this is a list of dumb shit issawhat (huge inspo for frat jj) has said on twitch stream, not taking credit at all, one of the viewers created a google doc and i picked 100 of my faves and thought it could be fun to use these as prompts for a blurb thing

so, choose what jj you want (pike, sigma chi, college) and send me some numbers

(i have stuff i need to do today so i’ll start working on these later this afternoon and tonight)

1. I’m emotionally unavailable

2. My body/bloodstream is a pharmacy

3. I hate it here

4. My dick only touched my hands today

5. My dick is very clean

6. Please don’t talk to me

7. Teenagers are fucking pussies bro

8. I can barely read so I like looking at pictures

9. We’re having the opposite of a good time right now

10. I’m not even playing with my team right now, I’m gonna be independent and just run and shoot people in the forehead

11. You piece of dog shit. You utter piece of dog shit

12. IUD. Is that the implant

13. Fuck them kids. No don’t actually fuck kids

14. Are we talking about planets? I love outer space

15. Mars just probably tastes like cheese pizza

16. No offense. Actually, offense

17. You don’t wanna live in my mind it’s loud up there

18. Can we not talk about demons? That kinda stresses me out

19. There’s a video of a guy with a ton of tattoos who looks like he’ll fuck your step mom

20. I swear at one point I had bigger boobs than my ex

21. I just wanna be a shredded skinny boy

22. It’s not like I want to die, I’m just okay with dying

23. I don’t even touch my dick when I pee most of the time

24. Time to fuck some dumb ass bitches up

25. The amount I just got railed was way too much

26. I’m pretty sure nut has more calories than celery

27. I don’t pull out

28. I can’t hear you I’m dropping

29. I’m a fucking laser

30. My dick is 8 inches if I fold it in half

31. Actually my dick has never been on camera. I wear swim shorts in the shower

32. Where the pussy boys at

33. Imagine being married. Imagine having emotions

34. Sometimes I read then sometimes I think what if I didn’t have eyeballs

35. I’m gonna kick you in the fucking forehead

36. My lips are chapped as dick

37. It’s pretty early for arson talk boys but if you want to we can

38. You guys say a lot of sexual things and it stresses me out

39. It’s such a power play ghosting your parents

40. Blinking is for sore losers

41. Refreash

42. I’m gonna see how much of this beer I can delete

43. Don’t shoot me in the back that would not be cash money

44. Sand hanitizer

45. Condoms don’t even work

46. *talking about a funeral* open bar?

47. Adulting is for fucking losers

48. Alcohol? You mean spicy water

49. I hate how they make kids so stupid in movies. They’re dumb but not that dumb

50. It smells like soup in my house bro

51. And it went like

52. I’m not that versatile in my pegging lingo

53. What’s MI? Is that Michigan

54. I’m actually 4 food 5 and legally a short person. And I lost my juul. Oh no I just put it on the charger like an idiot

55. Pew pew pew right in your forehead

56. Guess who’s a dead bitch? You are hahahaha

57. Not in the mood to be trifled

58. Get bodied

59. I know how to talk to women. I’ve been doing it my whole life

60. Did I wash my hands? Sure…

61. You wanna see me in a skirt? No you don’t because I’ll look better than you do and you’ll get mad

62. Mom’s not home, we can’t kill the patriarchy

63. Go kick rocks

64. I’m not a wall puncher anymore

65. I don’t know I just work here

66. Fluffy duffy croissant boy

67. My brain sounds like a rock tumbler

68. Commit sudoku

69. Hit her with an actually

70. A lot of natural light but I wish we could get a bud light

71. I can’t hear you I’m yawning

72. I’m not an object I just want to be treated like one

73. I feel like when I eat I do better in life

74. I am pro elder abuse I agree

75. Nickle sized nipples that sounds like a bar

76. The cologne is in the air and I can taste it on my lips

77. The smell of this cologne reminds me of sex because whenever I use it I have sex

78. God damnit charge faster juul

79. Are you an innie or an outie

80. You can have my belly button pics for free baby girl

81. Does anyone want to meet god because I can help you out looking at you

82. Only if it’s pictures with sound

83. My second life I was a banana slug, learned a lot

84. I’m a virgin, I can’t hear you

85. I’m getting the nicest virgin (meaning version)

86. That’s what people say about my penis. Definitely doable but hard

87. A cat appointment? We call that a normal Tuesday

88. That fucking visor doesn’t slap

89. I should buy you a pair of catch these hands

90. I was watching ant videos last night they’re fucking crazy

91. LOOK UP TOP FIVE ANT MOMENTS

92. Who the fuck is spam risk and why are they calling me

93. What is a jetpack? Is that when you’re the big spoon but you’re small so you look like a jetpack

94. I’m gonna call you backpack though like dora because you don’t shut the fuck up

95. If you threw some long division at me I’d say go fish

96. I can’t even hear myself think. Not that I want to think

97. I don’t think I’ve ever had a fuck honestly. Does someone want to give me my first fuck

98. I don’t need to learn how to do anything, I’m 21. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks

99. That could lead into premarital breathing the same air

100. I didn’t even wear a hat yesterday so I don’t want to play thanks

[purplesurveys]

723

What do you do when you can't sleep? I pick something to watch. Usually the background noise works in making me feel sleepier. Have you ever been threatened before? Physically, verbally, emotionally... I’ve had the full package. Don't you hate being labeled? I hate if it’s done in a mocking way or to reinforce insulting stereotypes, like Catholic Filipino boomers saying all atheists are evil and in need of ‘saving.’ But there are some labels that can be a source of comfort and give me a sense of identity, like if my friends can correctly remember my sexual orientation. Are you one of those people who says sorry too much or doesn't say it often? I do say it a lot. I also get reprimanded for it a lot. Have you ever had a cute doctor/dentist/nurse? No, and I mostly don’t think of them in that way... if I’m at the doctor/dentist, that just means I want to be healed lol.

Do you swallow your gum even though it's bad for you? I’ve never done it on purpose. The few times I accidentally swallowed gum I was worried it’d fuck up my stomach, but nothing bad has ever happened. Don't you hate it when you go to the bathroom & there's no toilet paper? I mean my parents always buy tissues in bulk, so we’ve never run out of them. If I catch the roll being empty, it’s easy to replace. ^When that happens do you ever just sit there & read shampoo bottles? We have bidets in our bathrooms. For houses with no bidets, the pair of tabo/balde would do to wash ourselves, at least for Filipino culture. Going into TMI territory over here but the idea of some countries/people only using dry toilet paper to wipe their ass has always been so odd for Asians. Do you wear jelly bracelets? Do you believe in the sexual meanings of them? I wore them a few times during childhood but I wasn’t obsessed nor did I collect hundreds of them. I didn’t know they had sexual meanings – that would’ve been my last thought as a kid. Are you good at guessing things? Not guessing, but I’ve had a decent track record of picturing and predicting worst case scenarios that end up happening close to the way I imagine them. Have you ever gambled? I played Bingo when I was like 9. There was a period when my late grand-aunt’s friends would come over at her place (we lived in a duplex, so I knew whenever a game was starting and it was easy to walk over there) and play Bingo, and it lasted for a few months. When your stomach growls do you ignore it for awhile or immediately get food? I like waiting for a while before deciding I’m *really* hungry and looking for food. Have you ever thrown up on someone in front of you on a amusement park ride? OMG, never. Have you ever thought you were dreaming so you had someone actually pinch you? No. I only ever saw this in cartoons, too. When you get nervous, does your heart pound extra fast? Isn’t that kind of an important sign of being nervous though? If my heart wasn’t beating fast I’d think that everything was under control. Have you ever mowed your lawn? Do you find it fun or annoying? Our village has a staff member that’s in charge of mowing everyone’s front lawns, so we don’t really have to. Do you have a garden at your house? I wouldn’t call it a garden. We have a couple of tall trees but that’s it. Do you like making puppet figures with your shadow? I don’t hate it, but like I don’t actively seek this out. When you're on the internet does time go fast or slow? When I was 10 and the internet was still fairly new to me and there were still a billion sites to check out, time was definitely fast. I’d be on the laptop all day and suffice it to say I was addicted, which wasn’t the healthiest situation for a 10 year old. These days time just feels normally paced since we’ve grown used to the internet now... it’s literally a part of everyone’s lives and is everywhere from phones to TVs to fucking lightbulbs, so it’s all just part of everyday routine. When you're angry do you take it out on other people? I make it a point not to do this but sometimes I’ll crack under pressure and end up snapping at someone. What's the key to true happiness? Key’s different for everyone. Who do you look up to for your style? For the longest time it was Audrey Hepburn, which is why I have a ton of little black dresses piled up in my closet to this day. More recently though I’ve been wanting to dress up like Rachel Green from Friends. What was the longest phone conversation you've ever had? Ugh it’s so cringey now but when Gab and I were newly dating we once had an 8 hour Viber call. Never did it again.

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two big ones. What's your life philosophy? “You don’t have to be blood to be family” ngh I say this on surveys a lot. Soz, questions like this make me repeat it. Have you ever played strip poker or would you ever? I’ve never played it. I don’t even know how poker works and it’s so annoying cause my favorite shows tend to make at least one episode focused on a poker game, and I’m left not understanding any of the dialogue. Would you still go out with someone even if you thought they would cheat on you? These cheating questions can be so tricky but generally I wouldn’t consider dating someone who I know to be a past cheater. Would you date someone who didn't want to have sex until they were married? Yes. I mean I was already this kind of person with Gabie anyway when we started dating; she was just able to change my mind which I’m super ok with because I’ve never regretted it. How much cash do you have on you right now? I have a little over P2000 in my wallet. My school has since ordered to end the semester by April 30 so I had no idea that the P2000 my parents gave me last March was gonna be my last allowance from them ever :’( What's your favorite thing to order at a Mexican food restaurant? I haven’t really had Mexican food that’s purely Mexican, i.e. not Tex-Mex. Idk if it’s right to say fajitas and chimichangas since Google says they’re Tex-Mex, but they’re my usuals. If you got to magically make somebody disappear, who would it be and why? Can I make a virus disappear instead? Do you prefer to cook or eat out? Eat out. Because I can’t cook. Have you ever peed yourself while laughing? Never. When you don't like someone, do you let them know? I mean obviously I don’t confront them directly just to say I don’t like them, but I’ll make extra effort to avoid them and I just wouldn’t interact if we happen to be in the same room. How would you build your ultimate sundae? Not really a sundae girl so I wouldn’t know what combination works. McDo’s hot fudge sundae is satisfying enough for me. Would you date someone who went to church on a regular basis? If it came to that, and especially if I really like the person, I might give them a chance (that’s a billion plus points for my mom, anyway) on the condition that they don’t force me to attend with them, and they don’t try to convert me. What is your favorite curse word? Fuck. Would you rather see a movie at the theater or at home on DVD? Egh it depends. There are movies I can be excited enough about to wanna catch it in the cinema, and there are some that I’m not invested as much in and that I could wait for to show up at an illegal film website lol. If the police came to your door & said "you're under arrest!" what would it be for? The police in this country are the Devil and will arrest and kill anybody. That said, I can be attacked in my own home, arrested for absolutely nothing, and they will get away with it. Are you good at giving massages? Nope. What movie do you know just about every line from? Your basic white girl movies – Titanic, The Proposal, White Chicks. Oh and also my favorite Two for the Road, of course. Do you prefer cupcakes or muffins? Cupcakes. If I absolutely have to eat a muffin it has to be chocolate, otherwise I’m not touching it. I’m all about the sweet. What are the three "nevers" of your life? Doing hard drugs, drunk driving, eating fruits. What lifts your spirits when life gets you down? Good food, good movies, good friends. My dog. Is sometimes being silent more effective than having to say things? Yes. Do you smile a lot or not enough? I think I do it enough.

[pluckyredhead]

Daredevil 101: The Murdock Papers, Part 2

Bendis is going out with a bang, y’all! This is the back half of “The Murdock Papers” (DD v2 76-81), Bendis/Maleev. In Part 1, Matt and Elektra were on the hunt for the titular Murdock Papers, a file of proof the Kingpin had amassed that proved Daredevil’s identity. They’re in the middle of brawling in the street with Bullseye when Matt is shot by a sniper working for the FBI.

...And then he vanishes before the FBI can collect him.

Oh, and also? Fisk has a little surprise for everyone:

There are no Murdock Papers! But if they find Matt Murdock and he has a bullet wound exactly where Daredevil was just shot, well...that’s even better, isn’t it?

(Side note: I have absolutely no idea how a file proving that Matt Murdock is Daredevil would have kept Fisk’s underlings in line, especially since Fisk was under the impression that his underlings didn’t even know Matt’s secret until recently, as per Bendis’s own storyline. This strikes me as Bendis writing himself into a hole and climbing out somewhat inelegantly three issues later.)

Meanwhile, Milla is still naked:

All Milla really does from here on out is have hysterics. I’m sorry. Anyway Natasha is there to get Milla to safety, as she promised Matt she would, but Milla is understandably distracted and upset by the news story that Daredevil is dead.

Back to the FBI! The problem with using the bullet wound as proof that Matt is Daredevil is that they have no idea where Matt is. But Fisk has a guess - or rather, he’s pretty sure that Ben knows.

See, Elektra would undoubtedly have taken a wounded Matt to the Night Nurse. And Ben knows how to find the Night Nurse:

Yeah, Leland has gone completely off the rails here. Ben is furious (he actually physically attacks Fisk, which is why the FBI is holding him in the first panel up there), but he’s still faced with a choice: give up Matt, or face federal charges.

Meanwhile, Luke and Danny take Foggy somewhere safe to hole up:

I don’t know who this cheerful hausfrau is, but she’s not Jessica “Fuck You” Jones. I’m guessing her fuller figure is meant to imply that she’s currently pregnant, but that doesn’t explain the a) babushka and peasant scarf, b) completely different face, and c) pleasant demeanor. But then, Foggy looks like an unemployed garment worker from 1890 in that top right panel, so who even knows what’s happening here.

Anyway now both of Matt’s spouses know he’s “dead.” Anxiety abounds!

Well, actually, Milla has the advantage over Foggy, because Natasha has taken her to the Night Nurse’s clinic, so she knows that Matt is dying but not actually dead. Also, Elektra has shown up with the Hand, which she is currently in charge of, because we need another reason to have a bunch of women screaming at each other over Matt. Luckily the Hand has ~mystic healing powers~ which they are using on Matt:

God, how much would I love a scene with this many women without the arbitrary hostility and Orientalism? (I would totally buy organic hostility between Natasha and Elektra based on their jobs. But not based on Matt, who Natasha knows - and Elektra knows intellectually if not emotionally - is not worth it.)

WAIT LOOK AT THAT LAST PANEL, OH DANG BEN TOLD THE FBI WHERE MATT IS

Hey, you know who’s outside with the FBI? A whole bunch of Hand assassins, who are not just going to let the FBI round them up! Which means they start fighting the FBI. Which means Luke and Danny, who have just arrived with Foggy, stuff Foggy back in the car and start fighting the FBI, because even though technically the Hand is currently on Matt’s side, Luke and Danny can’t let FBI agents be killed by zombie assassins.

So to recap: FBI fighting the Hand fighting Luke and Danny outside, Milla having hysterics inside, Foggy having hysterics in a car, Natasha and Elektra are also there somewhere, and Matt, having regained consciousness, decides that enough is enough. There’s too much risk of someone getting seriously hurt here.

So he turns himself in:

Natasha keeps Luke and Danny out of jail, but there’s nothing she can do for Matt. And so:

AW BUDDY. :(

The last issue of this storyline begins at Matt’s arraignment. The judge asks Matt what he pleads and Matt absolutely spaces out, leaving Foggy, as always, carrying the ball:

DO NOT DO THIS TO FOGGY, MATTHEW, DO NOT...

Aw beans, you did it.

Matt makes his way to a rendezvous point and meets up with two of his girls and arguably the silliest accessory he has ever worn, Mike era included:

Please note that Matt has dyed his hair black to enter France, as is tradition. Also, he and Milla look so stereotypically Parisian right now that they are probably actively offensive to the French. Natasha why did you do this to them.

ANYWAY WHO CARES, LOOK AT THAT DIALOGUE. “Tell him I love him.” “He knows.” “He might now.” I’M CRYING.

Matt’s blissful life as a fugitive is cut short almost immediately, though, as he wakes in the middle of the night to find Milla lying dead beside him. (I decided to spare y’all the sight of yet another murdered woman in these recaps.) It’s Bullseye, of course, who has tracked Matt down. Matt pursues him, and in the ensuing fight does the unthinkable (but arguably necessary):

Unfortunately for Matt, there are witnesses, who run off shouting in what I’m pretty sure is grammatically incorrect French. Matt flees to the only person who will take him in:

Speaking of walking sartorial stereotypes, hoo boy Elektra’s outfit.

Anyway, Matt and Elektra have sex, but he quickly decides he can’t stay with her for long:

Wait, what’s this? Why is Elektra referring to Matt as “Mister Murdock” in the last panel?

BECAUSE NONE OF IT EVER HAPPENED!!! Matt is still standing in court deciding how to plead!

I find this whole sequence simultaneously utterly hilarious and utterly infuriating. This is what’s going through Matt’s mind? “What if I ran away? Milla and I could move to France. But then Bullseye would probably kill her. Then I’d have to kill him, and then I’d have to go to Elektra, and then we’d have a sex scene which I will now imagine in detail, and then...” Why are you fantasizing about unrelated murder and having sex with your ex-girlfriend right now, Matt??? This is so off the rails. It's like a dead serious Simpsons gag. It’s an R-rated If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.

Also, please bear in mind that that sequence above takes up almost the whole issue. If I’d waited a month for that issue and paid for it individually instead of binge reading on Marvel Unlimited, I’d be furious.

Moving on! Matt’s been to Japan 7 times in the past 7 years? We’ve only ever seen one trip, and that was way back in the O’Neil run. But sure.

Matt is denied bail. His friends are dismayed:

WHO BOUGHT STEVE THAT TERRIBLE TIE. WHO DID THAT TO HIM.

Matt is carted back to Rikers Island, but he’s not the only one:

Sure, they dropped the charges against Fisk, but there’s always new stuff to charge him with! And so Fisk is packed off to Rikers (the real world NYC jail, FYI), along with the Owl, and a couple other familiar friends we’ll see in the next storyline.

(When I first described the conclusion of this storyline to @puzzleboat​, she sent me the following image, and I still find it highly accurate and hilarious:

Apologies to anyone not old enough to remember that extremely controversial series finale.)

Hmm, locked in a prison with tons of people with good reason to hate him, including several of his rogues? Doesn’t look good for Matt, does it?

Next up: The Devil in Cell Block D, and the death of Foggy Nelson.

[healingbymyself4myself]

Texting with my wise self

Me: Hey, you awake?

Wise: Yup, of course. I love the quiet of the early morning. How’d you sleep?

Me:Ok

Wise: really? How many hours did you get?

Me: ummmm 4.5, that’s enough right?

Wise: ummmmm no judgement here, but you know it’s not. Why were you up so late?

Me: well I was helping Kale rearrange her room for the new year. Did I tell you about her melt down on Weds?

Wise: you just said she had “an astrology Melt down”, so what happened?

Me:It was really adorable actually, she was sobbing and she said to me “you don’t understand as a Capricorn we always need to have things around us that we can organize. But as a Capricorn we hate having lots of stuff that we feel like we have to organize.” The example she gave was “I have a whole sun glass collection, I love to organize them, but I don’t even wear sunglasses!”

Wise: Oh pobrecita, poor baby. So cute though. You do know what is happening for her astrologically speaking right?! There are 4 planets in Capricorn right now! Just let her know that she’s not alone.

Me: Really?!!? Ohh She will be so relieved to hear that! It’s been a really rough week or two for her, a ton of tears, a ton of introspection, Her emotional intelligence floors me!

Wise: really? Is it really a surprise to you that you have two highly emotionally intelligent children? Who do you think they get it from? LOL! You of course! You’re such a great role model in that regard.

Me: awwwwww (blushing)

Wise: So back to you and understanding your tiny amount of sleep

Me: oh right! So after Wednesday’s meltdown I told her we would spend thurs afternoon re-organizing her room. We were able to get five bins of stuff in the basement and two trash bags of donations. She agreed that she might donate the things in the basement later, but for now it was too hard to imagine parting with them.

Wise: See you were up all night organizing her room? what a mom thing to do!

Me: I mean not that late, we put her to bed by 9:30. I know an hour after her bedtime, so it sort of push my evening off a bit and then after working so hard with her I wanted a reward. So I made myself a bowl of peanut butter chex topped with black cherry chocolate chunk ice cream with some hot fudge and some whipped cream.

Wise: oh. Yummmmm

Me: really? No lecture? Aren’t you supposed to tell me to lay off the sweets or something? Come on you are the wiser of the two of us!

Wise: I am the wise YOU and so Knowing you, I’m sure by breakfast time you have already achieved digestive balance?!

Me: Yeah, you do know me. What a great breakfast! I sautéed some sausage and bacon and a ton of Kale topped it with two eggs, my favorite miso and that nettles sauerkraut!! Delicious!

Wise: see you make wise decisions.

And Believe you me, after Organizing Kale’s room, you deserved more than just ice cream

Me: Yeah you’re right, so anyway I ate ice cream while watching some Schitts creek, got caught up in the storyline, went for a second episode and then noticed My wonderful partner was nodding off on our super cozy couch in his blue Snuggie! so cute!

Wise: that’s sounds like a cute night. How are things going with Morgan?

Me: Hmmm Let’s see, things are pretty good. Did I tell you we had sex three times in the last four days! not yesterday because obviously after Kale’s room and ice cream we were too tired. Buuuut in the middle of the day yesterday I was in Easthampton and he was doing errands in Northampton and I told him to swing through so we could make out before he went to get the kids from school and he did! So yeah we are pretty cute right now.

Wise: whoa!! That’s very different From the sexless six weeks before that?

Me: I KNOW

Wise: So what about your work? I know you had that beloved earth retreat last weekend how are you feeling about all that?

Me: I mean I’m really nervous. I feel really good about making my boundaries clear with beloved Earth. Bringing 14 clients down to four clients by the end of quarter one. By April 1 cutting my hours from 40+ to 24. It all feels really manageable. I Can’t wait to be building my private practice! I can’t wait to be running my next retreat in April. The retreat, and healing work, that’s when I feel alive. And still I have deep gratitude for the power of the paycheck. Yeah I’m feeling really good about where my work life is going.

Wise: this is a lot of really positive change! Feel like you’re really coming into your power on all fronts. What changed?

Me: well four days ago I started spending time with the lightbox every day, being sure to take vitamin D, doing my Chinese herbs, oh and micro dosing MDMA.

Wise: it’s all or nothing with you!!

ON or OFF, no in between! You crack me up!

Me: Yeah in retrospect I guess I could’ve added one at a time so I would know what was working, but I really like the combination of all of them.

Wise: you would! I love you! I’m really not judging! I love your take charge attitude! It’s nice to have you back. You were really floundering there for a bit.

Me: yeah, I was. Crying every day. Screaming and squawking at Morgan over dumb shit. I was in some deep self sabotaging patterns. I realize in therapy the other day, that it was a combination of the fearing abandonment and just trying to provoke the situation to “get it over with”. Like if he’s going to leave eventually, might as will control the situation so he leaves now.

Wise: what’s all that about? Where is that coming from?

Me: that same worthiness crap. Gawd when will I finally feel worthy of his love, this life, this house?

Wise: be gentle, you do feel it. I mean I feel it, and I’m you right? Every time I settle into that cozy couch, every time I deepen my kisses with Morgan shifting that obligatory peck into an invitation, every time I create another nutritious meal, especially when I make exactly what I want for me and I eat it! Every time I drop in to my mantra: “I am love. I am life.”

Every time I can feel the healing. I can see the transformation. You are doing such a good job.

Me:awwwwww. You are so sweet. Thanks

Wise: you are welcome. And thank you! Thanks for doing all the hard work so we can be present in this live with all these wonderful people.

Me: Thanks! I literally couldn’t do it without Me.

I mean you

I mean us

Wise: I wish you were here so I could hug you

Me: what?!? Silly! I’m right here! On the cozy couch! With YOU!

Wise:ohh I thought that was you holding me. Gosh how I love these early morning chats.

Me: I know right! I love my family AND it’s really sweet to have alone time here with you.

[elizabethrobertajones]

Hi there! I️ adore your meta and was wondering your thoughts on Danneel joining the cast. Dabb is seemingly rewriting the series this season and now we are getting another Jo...a Sister Jo. I'm awful at this stuff but hopefully you know where I'm trying to go. I've seen a ton on how this will or won't impact DeanCas but little on this aspect of it. Thanks!!

Hiya! 

And yeah I’m deep in the “just wait and see and stop assuming the worse” side of things about Destiel, because every single female character casting announcement since ever has been met with a kneejerk “it’s to give Dean a love interest/kill Destiel” reaction and I hate it >.> Even if they do have a fling it seems wildly unlikely it’s an endgame love interest thing and I also hate the idea that we’re supposed to get upset about Dean having sex with anyone… Or assume all female characters are love interests, OR that Jensen’s wife would be cast JUST to hook up with Jensen, jokes aside.

So, hey, let’s throwback to the first character introduced that made people panicked and angry that Dean was going to have a love interest! 

In the first couple of episodes with Jo, Dean really has it bad for her. There’s the now since 12x19 infamous line (well, okay, since 4x14 as well :P) about getting picked up by a guy bringing a sixpack and putting some zeppelin on the jukebox or whatever it was. In Simon Said they drop by the roadhouse and he gets the song Jo was playing while she cleared the bar stuck in his head and he’s still singing it far down the road. No Exit put a roadblock into their relationship though by giving us the backstory with John and her father and Ellen seeing Dean as just as dangerous to Jo… The story was subverted with the way they used her as bait and she KNEW she was bait before she even put together the file on the case. By the end of the episode she’s so upset about that reveal, that she can’t really look at Dean any more because Ellen has made her so upset about the truth. 

I think this must be the end of the original run of what could have been a longer romance for Dean because they’d naturally give Jo some time to cool and the episodes would start airing and they started getting the ridiculous fan response to Jo, of the first Serious Threat To Dean’s Singledom, whether it’s people thinking girls suck and ruin the story, or romance is bad on TV or having their shipping or fantasy fuel from Dean ruined by imagining him in a romance. So if there had been a plan to bring her back for more episodes in a way where she would be able to interact with Dean more and continue building what at the time was the ideally placed romance for him and about the only way to structurally maintain one short of adding a girl to the team (something fans were REALLY pissed about, and in season 3 announcing the casting, they had to insist Bela and Ruby weren’t going to just suddenly be added to the cast and spend every episode riding around in the Impala with the guys). 

Anyways it’s fairly well-known how absolutely disgusting people in this fandom can be and definitely were about female characters and all, so Jo’s only return, while Ellen stays as support on the phone/in the Roadhouse a few more times and has to say Jo’s run off to go her own way, is in 2x14 where she interacts first with Meg-as-Sam where she attacks Jo and reveals even more of the possible backstory to what happened to her father, just to remind her how horrible the Winchesters are. Later when Dean’s around, they have a much less charged interaction, Dean’s way distracted about Sam - rightfully - and the tropey patch each other up thing is subverted by Dean complaining she’s a butcher rather than it being the Indiana Jones “i hurt here and here and here” kinda tropey way to get a woman to touch the dude “plantonically”. They do field surgery and then Jo doesn’t tell Dean about what Meg told her, only gets it from Dean that she might have told Jo the truth to hurt her, and again it’s that Jo can’t bear to get into this with Dean, doesn’t tell him the truth, and they’re not working through this together. If there HAD been a longer arc this would have been something really sad for them to overcome. But he legs it after Sam and she sighs that he’s not going to call her, now moving this really to unrequited pining territory while Dean is distracted and busy and Jo has moved firmly to the “i must protect you and can’t deal with this and we missed the chance” bracket. 

She then disappears for three seasons, where she comes back as a “hey this character exists” along with Ellen in 5x02, where she and Dean have *no* meaningful interaction, and 5x10 where he tries it on for old time’s sake, she turns him down because she understands herself better and has grown up and not seen him for 3 years so the whole unrequited pining fire has gone out on its own even if they both still think the other is kind of attractive. He eventually just sweetly kisses her goodbye while she’s dying horribly and that seals it like welp we were never ever going to happen and it’s not just because you’re now bleeding out and about to explode. This is just what was inevitably going to happen to us and in hindsight I’m glad you stopped up hooking up. 

And in 7x04 when she reappears, again it’s wistful missed opportunity, but she gets to speak for his conscience and vindicate him that they were never meant to be no matter if they sort of liked each other. They get around to pointing out the same thing from No Exit - that Jo was trying to be a hunter like her dad, that THIS was why she was doing it and we already covered this ground in season 2. Osiris goes into it with a fandom filter - hurr blurr she’s a love interest and Dean feels so bad about it, but Sam gets her own words out - maybe she had a massive crush on him that she can joke about with hindsight but she was always going to be a hunter and probably always would have got herself killed some way or another, but haven’t they all died (too many times) on the job by now? :P 

So, yeah, THAT is the legacy behind Jo’s name when you’re talking about bringing in a character with the same name again… Danneel OBVIOUSLY makes you make a link between Sister Jo and Dean although I would find it HILARIOUS if she never met him, but the whole thing with Jo is like a missed connection, a romance that DIDN’T happen for Dean, and probably in no small part because the fandom was awful in the exact same way that has probably kept Danneel off the show for so long. I remember seeing a gifset of a con where Cindy was joking about how  much everyone hated Lisa and then saying that Danneel joked to her about well you try being MARRIED to Jensen. 

I wouldn’t say it’s exactly a call out of the fandom or anything, but it is interesting that this is all in here… It might just be they’re pulling old names from the past out of a hat for the nostalgia, but I think there’s been some interesting ways to examine what they might mean in the way they’ve been used. Right now I kinda feel like it’s impossible to avoid the way everyone’s mind jumps to casting Danneel to her having a romantic connection to Dean, because of being married to Jensen, even if that’s reducing her as an actress just to the man she’s married to, like, wow, go feminism. But at least giving her the name Jo creates some interesting thoughts right off the bat. 

I don’t see Jo as a simple past love interest to just give Danneel’s character this name so ooooh is she going to be another love interest, because they remained unrequited, and didn’t even have any really heated personal scenes because their relationship failed to catch hold after 2x06, and in the long gap between that and Born Under A Bad Sign they got too real about how bad they’d be for each other and how the block introduced to make a will-they-won’t-they more emotionally charged ended up just plain old being a massive block, and sadly deprived us of probably a lot of interesting season 2 John Winchester analysis via their issues with what happened with their parents… 

In any case, Dean having a romance with a second Jo seems really on the nose so it’s another reason even ignoring the proper story behind it to think that they wouldn’t really go there because some people IRL have romances with like 3 dudes called Mike back to back or whatever without even meaning to, but in TV you can’t repeat names like that. Unless it’s comical, like Donna and her Doug problems. And that shows that her second Doug had all the issues from the first Doug that she mentally superimposed over him even though he seemed harmless. Perhaps they managed to work together better but I doubt Donna’s going on to Wayward Sisters with a wayward Doug in tow :P Anyway, rules of comedy are different from rules of grim melodrama, which any attempt to romance Dean Winchester falls under… :P

[nicolesqueloquence]

So it dawned on me.. yesterday. At dawn.

That there’s this cliche little conspiracy thing for us in our mid-20’s that 25 is THE worst age, ever.

And while I can attest to 2017 so far being more ambivalent in its extent of BS compared to others (2009, 2012, 2015?!!?!?)….

I have to say that I agree, and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel with 26.

Suddenly I saw the last ten years weave itself around my mind, counting all of the victories and tragedies and it made way too much sense.

Of course I’m lost right now, as any child byproduct of the dysfunctional American household is going to be. I’m a fucking millennial inheriting nothing but a broken economy and a bullseye painted on my back for everything from financial ruin, emotional self-destruction, and potential kidnapping to a terrorist attack, psychopath killer from my past, and potential Armageddon as we may know it soon.

I think, a lot of other people would feel pretty fucking lost, anxious, and depressed too.

And for the most part, I don’t feel that bad. Maybe it’s my meds zombifying me, maybe it’s just blind optimism because I’ve been too drained of the energy to feel anything stronger than that, or maybe since everything passes- that includes all the negative stuff too.

But I’m fine. I’m on my way to better. I’m almost there. For the first time, I kinda feel it.

26 sounds like a paradise, in fact. And I’m one that HATES getting older. HATES my birthday. I break down. I relapse. I turn into a human tornado of self-destruction. It’s bad, like Marilyn Monroe level of bad.

But not this year. I’m building an empire for myself, just like I have for the past ten years even if I keep breaking it down like the U.S. did to their own towers (oops).

What I did for myself in the midst of all the chaos and ruin was established myself as a writer. I found my words, or they found me, and then they found themselves on paper. Whether it was some mediocre essay project that my teachers inevitably A’d and hailed me for, or my Dragonball Z fanfiction that I still fuck with but with a lot of intermittent adult absences due to my grown up writer’s block from all the imagination that’s left me in my dry and cynical 20’s.

I also got published in both UNLV and my high school’s newspapers. Luckily these are the first things to come up with a google of my full name, and not any mug shots or crazy things like that because those things can stay in the MF past okay.

This is all while my parents divorced, my mom dated and remarried, and I got exiled to my dad’s place all the way across town to another high school- effectively killing the dead end that way my destructive social life at the other school, which was somewhat of a great thing and a terrible thing. I didn’t have people fueling my already turbulent home life with more drugs and alcohol, but then I didn’t have anybody at all either unless they existed in the chat room I dominated as a teenager.

Ahhhh, yes. I will always be proud of such a minuscule feat, with my social anxiety establishing itself and all, because I came up with the MOST LIT AF nicknames. Nikkachu, VenerealCereal, and my very first, Lovily_Lili17- my daughter’s name that I discovered at 13.

Oh yeah. That too. READING. I couldn’t stop. I was addicted to those huge adult novellas like Lace, Where the Heart Is, and anything Stephen King once I had my way with R.L. Stine and his many endeavors to placate his teen base.

Wow. The nostalgia. I can’t.

I still have almost every book from that era. I went and bought a ton of them off of Amazon, but I’ll have to replace some that arrived less than the library form that I originally read them in. I can’t do paperback, they’re much too small.

But that library smell.. My favourite is the one by my mother’s house, where I looked down at my Converse at 12 years old and realized that I was becoming a woman already.

HAHA. Seriously. 12. A woman. Okay.

That moment was just me feeling myself because I had a lot of older male fans that I’m quite sure held a rap sheet for child-related sex crimes, okay.

In that moment, I felt sheer power. My dying self-esteem that had wilted from years of verbal abuse and a total lack of male attention minus that of bullying was suddenly blossoming from the attention I would get from old men. It was exhilarating, and just as addictive as anything else I decided to get my all too curious hands on for the next decade.

At the end of this decade though, I can say I’m no longer phased by it. I get all kinds of attention now, and it’s more of a burden than it sounds like I’m making it. It comes from guys with whole entire relationships waiting for them at home and at work, guys who have kids already (ew), or guys I’m just not into. Period.

So I have a drought of a love life, but I knew this was coming once I recycled my ex’s as much as I could without anyone getting killed. It came close… LOL, but we’re all okay and we’re all separated thank God.

Everybody went their own way to something better, hopefully. Moreso hopefully for me once this drought is over and I can stop losing sleep with all of the PTSD I’ve mustered through the years with all the nightmarish shit I’ve put myself through.

I really went through the ringer, especially my early 20’s. Before I could even legally drink, I had charges. But that’s the territory, right? Being a human Tasmanian devil will do that to you. Having the most unstable self-image will put out a red flag to society that you are disposable, trouble, a force to be reckoned with, etc. So I don’t recommend it.

I’ve really calmed down though. Especially in the past few weeks. Normally after an event like the one I just suffered, I’d be halfway back to my early grave again just like countless times before. But I’m actually way more okay sooner than I thought. It only took a good 3 or 4-day binge of unhealthy, toxic, and intoxicating substances for me to snap into a depression and then somehow snap out of it completely averse to that stuff.

That’s how you know you’re adulting, when life knocks you over for the thousandth time and you just… lay there.

And I type all of this with a huge grin on my face, because it’s great. I can enjoy being sober and feeling like shit at the same time. I can enjoy going to the store at almost 11 o’clock at night for bagel bites and taquitos and feel accomplished for leaving my apartment for all of twenty minutes. I can enjoy binging YouTube, laughing at memes, and obsessing over current event stories in my favourite forum message board places.

So, I’ve moved into my phone. Big deal. My dopamine receptors have to be stimulated by something other than the sun blinding me through my window.

I will say I am neglecting the Tindr app for my own sanity. I think last time I tried to venture it, I got a really fussy man-baby throwing a fit over my very delayed and very mundane response. Okay. That was that, then.

I have a feeling that I can’t rely on electronics for this one. It’s going to have to be some sort of divine intervention to get my love life back on track. I really won’t settle for less, either, because we don’t have the technology advanced enough yet to weed out the assholes, the fuckboys, and the lazy have-nots that I simply can’t build anything with.

There’s always med school. Some very savvy ladies attend just so they can enter the meat market of medicine and date an up and coming doctor. I know I would. Medical terms during foreplay? Needles and a papoose during roleplay? Hell yes.

Okay maybe not anything with phlebotomy but you catch my drift. I think overall, even if they don’t share all the same quirky interests of mine, I would just want someone who is in love with me and stays in love with me. Even if I can’t stay in love with myself.

But I’m trying. This is me trying. This is me giving myself a fucking break because the last ten years have kinda sucked, right? On and off. Sure. But it doesn’t matter. All of the friendships, the relationships, the scandals, the stories.. My God, do I have a story.

I want to publish it, but not in its raw form of pure sugar and salt just piled up in the middle of the table. I want it to be in the form of fiction, set in outer space, in the dark corners of an emotionally dysregulated teenage girl’s mind…

Yep. I got the ideas spinning in my head and everything, it just won’t form a tangible shape.

And it won’t make any money because I’m fucking insane and no one will get it: the big picture, the metaphor, what actually went down.

So I have to make it make money and make sense. Two very difficult things in a day and age where something as basic as Fifty Shades of Grey is hailed as top-notch. Wtf.

At least Twilight is over, thankfully.

And finally my last contribution to this planet and this life of mine in the past ten years is…

BUTTONS.

Yes, my cat. Why?

Because I adopted the most beautiful, loving, playful, and stubborn salt-loving creature on this planet.

So even if I died right here, today, this second.. I will have known true, unconditional love just because of him.

And even if it’s single chick cliche AF… I adore him to death.

So there’s that.

Looking forward to the next 6 months coming and going by so I can be a whole year older, and a whole lot wiser with a lot more laidback to me than before.

But so far, enjoying the ride at 25… (and a half).

Thanks for reading a random rant of mine again! :)

Nostalgic ramblings & revelations about being 25.5 on the way to 26, and much much better. So it dawned on me.. yesterday. At dawn. That there's this cliche little conspiracy thing for us in our mid-20's that 25 is THE worst age, ever.

[ah17hh]

Shades of Grey of Cheating via /r/polyamory

Shades of Grey of Cheating

About 5 years ago, my wife, myself, and another guy were in a Triad. It was heavenly while it lasted, but the guy ended up breaking up with my wife (she can be a handful at times) but staying in a relationship with me for another month before ending it due to my wife’s incessant interference.

Originally when we started poly, I wanted it to always be a thing we explore together, more swinger than poly but always by each other’s side when we had experiences together. That lasted maybe a week when she met a guy on Tinder and started a relationship but the guy was too straight to have a threesome even if there was no touching. She had that relationship for 3 years before the other one I started off mentioning. He moved in, and I didn’t charge him rent nor make him pay for food or utilities. She would try to keep me satisfied sexually to keep things even, she’d usually put me to bed most nights, but then after we made love and I fell asleep, she’d go upstairs and spend the night with him. She would stay awake all night with him, then fall asleep around 3-4am and end up being woken up by toddlers left unsupervised until they were hungry enough to wake mommy up. I’d wake up alone, then head off to work feeling lonely. When I got home each day, I’d usually walk in in the middle of them fighting about something mostly so they could have make up sex later. I hit a snag in my business dealings and was facing eviction because I was short on rent, he used money he had saved up to get his own place rather then help with rent. That didn’t end their relationship though, at least I’d have her in bed with me most nights but then most weekends, when I actually had time to relax and connect, she’d be gone and I’d be alone. Many times she’d compare me, a tech geek entrepreneur who sits in front of a computer all day to make money, to him unfavorably, where he is ex-army judo master fuck machine. Oh I really came to hate him and resent her for that, she and I had good lovemaking before but he was amaze balls, and our lovemaking after him always left her wanting some other kind of touch or caress from me that he gave her and I couldn’t seem to match it. She got so many threesomes for him, but any time I got even just a date she would start a fight just before so I was in a bad mood and late. He finally cheated on her with one of the girls my wife was going to surprise him with a threesome with for his birthday, which he confessed to her on a Valentine’s Day that I thought would be just the two of us and I had tried to plan for, but that she insisted he be invited to. Ruined all my plans, and I had to be the one she cried to every night and spent a year consoling her through that relationship until they reconciled a bit and became friends with benefits who see each other just a few times a year.

So back to this other dude. I finally get to explore my bi side, and I got to do it with her as I wanted in the first place. I finally felt happy, while it lasted, and when he broke up with her I felt it was within our agreements and even precedented by her past relationship that I be able to explore this one on my own. So I kept seeing him despite her requests that I break up with him, and even scheduled a sleepover medicine journey (lsd trip) with him. My wife begged me not to go as she didn’t “trust him after how he broke up with me”, I told her I was going, that we probably wouldn’t be sexual as we were respecting the lsd journey with each other more than we wanted to explore our lust, but if we were I’d be safe and let her know after. She begged me again, but I just repeated what I said. It did end up with a little bit of sexual connection, but nothing major and I did tell her about it after and reaffirmed my love for her to try to help her not feel any jealousy.

Fast forward to the last 2 years, she brings this up constantly as me cheating on her, as well as a time with a woman I openly had a crush on came up to me and started making out with me, the day after my wife made out with her in a hot tub, which I told her about immediately after and thought we were ok as I didn’t do anything she hadn’t done herself the night before. She told me part of her died that day (we hadn’t decided to be poly yet before the kiss incident, just playing around with a close friend), and that at that point she didn’t feel any marital obligation to me. She never told me that until now, like 7 years later in a 12 year marriage. Now to be fair, she hit her head 2 years ago and got a brain injury, her personality has changed to angry/irritated all the time, and for the last 2 years every resentment she has ever had has come up, and she’s been getting nightmares so all of this comes up just before bed so she doesn’t have to sleep. I’ve been exhausted, frustrated, and completely disillusioned about the magic of our marriage.

Since she’s been angry/irritable all the time (and won’t get help for fear they’ll find some incurable disease or cancer in the process), love making has been exceedingly hard and as such very rare. I think her hormones sensors in her brain got knocked around and so her body is dumping tons of unhelpful hormones in her system preparing for early menopause. She’s threatened a few times that if I don’t just throw her down and ravish her (she’s told her friends I was physically violent with her when I tried that one time, ruining a friendship), that she was going to go out and find someone who would. She did exactly that about 2 months ago, then tried to not tell me for a month, where for a month she accused me of every wrongdoing imaginable, even accusing me of molesting our kids, then bringing up every unspoken resentment over the last 12 years of marriage, most of which I either just wrote out the explanation to, or could easily have been resolved in the moment if she’d just spoken up then. She is not shy, I’m the shy one in the marriage, so I have no idea why she kept those things in, but to be saturated by them all at once, especially after being accused of child molestation, then being told I’d been cheated on, then being told it was my fault for not meeting her sexual needs... then she tells me her reasons for marrying me were more about looking good to her family because she thought she was actually gay and since I am bi she thought I was too, and we could be married and just friends, be each other’s beards I guess, yet here we are where sex is her biggest complaint and so she goes for it with another guy, not a girl, instead of just trying to keep her inside thoughts inside for a night so I can at least try to get hard without her getting insecure that I’m not attracted to her anymore. None of this makes sense and isn’t consistent, I know, traumatic brain injury and underlying pre-existing personality disorder can do that, but I love her anyway.

Of course I’m a bit bitter and probably in a toxic relationship now, but I’m also not the type of man to run when his partner gets sick. I’m sure it’s mostly the head injury and resulting personality change, but she has gotten somewhat better the last couple years and so I keep hope alive that she’ll fully recover

But I really need to know, from the advanced level masters of poly, am I the cheating bastard for being kissed by my crush, or giving my boyfriend a blowjob even though he broke up with my wife? I don’t think so, and I’m sure I probably subconsciously presented the evidence in a way that emphasizes my innocence, so please tear me a new one if I am and poke all the holes in my story... or give my heart some validation and tell me I’m not crazy and I’m being emotionally manipulated by the girl I love who is almost as bad as an abused dementia patient but is recovering. Trying to be a stand up guy but may need to take some time just for me soon and see how it feels to be on my own again if that’s what wants to happen. If I did go that route I could still stay legally married for a year or so, so she could get help on my insurance, but she wants me to get her an RV first so she has someplace to stay with our kids and can run away if COVID gets really bad (paranoia with her head injury maybe?)

Please give me feedback so I can decide on my next action.

Submitted August 02, 2020 at 10:40PM by MoJoe1 via reddit https://ift.tt/39NbRLq