#today i actually woke up feeling good not like needed tons more sleep

[djenxuelmxue]

Washed the dishes, fed the birds, brought in mail, did the things I needed to do. Went for walk

I want to write, this morning I did notes but I wanted to actually write some today. I also want to do some random things I might not do if my parents were here (at least watch all and any movies/shows)

[auclairedetoru]

Hi! I saw your requests were open and I wanted to see if you could write something fluffy with Levi and a reader that’s shorter than him 🥺

Maybe something where he’s doting on them? I adore the idea of a cold Levi who’s soft for his partner and I’m part of the minority of people who is actually shorter than him lol. I see a lot of fics describing the reader as taller but not enough for the other shorties out here 🙂‍↕️

Finally. The end of the day.

Levi lets out a loud sigh as the door of his bedroom closes behind him. His head leans against it and his eyes close. After hours of training, meetings, monitoring, and doing a shit ton of paperwork, he's finally back to the comfort of his bedroom at exactly midnight.

He lifts his head back up and looks around the small space, an unfamiliar (to others at least) smile spreads on his face when his eyes land on the sleepy yet smiling person sitting on his bed.

“Welcome back home, Levi.”

God, their sweet voice makes him melt into a puddle every time. He can't believe he gets to call such a precious person his partner, he considers himself a very lucky man.

“I'm sorry I woke you up, my love.” he says gently as he takes off his jacket. They shake their head and watch him as he tries his best to take off the belts wrapped around his body as fast as possible, “it's okay, darling. I wasn't sleeping, you know I can't without you.”

Levi cups their face after he is done and leans down to press a soft kiss to their forehead. People would lose their mind if they saw the way he acts and talks to them, in fact, only the people he's closest to in the survey corps (which is very few) know about their relationship, it wouldn't even cross people's minds that the strong and stoic captain who doesn't care if he hurts anyone's feelings is dating the sweet and gentle nurse who once cried with a soldier while trying to stitch him up.

“Did you have a good day today? Any of those brats bothered you?” he caresses their soft cheeks with the pad of his thumbs, mesmerized by the way the light casts a warm glow on their face. They lean into his touch, their eyes closing in relaxation. “everything was okay. Jean and Eren even teamed up to help me carry the new supplies stock and put them on the high shelves for me.”

He chuckles softly and pulls away from them so he can quickly change into more comfortable clothes. He used to sleep in his uniform, belts and all, just in case something happens and he couldn't waste his time putting everything back on, most of the nights he didn't sleep to begin with, but ever since they started sharing the same bed, not only did he find himself falling asleep but he also invested in some soft night clothes so he can cuddle with them without any restrictions.

“Still refusing to use the stool I got you?” he smirks as he starts changing his clothes. They've been dating long enough for them to not care about being naked in front of the other.

“I don't need it! The boxes were just heavy!”

“Hmm, sure you don't,” he teases as he gets under the blanket on his side of the bed (which is obviously the one on the near the bedroom door) and pats his lap with two hands. They huff, followed by a small, almost inaudible "I'm not that short", yet they don't hesitate to straddle his thighs and nuzzle their face in his warm chest. He wraps his arms around their body and presses a kiss on top of their head.

“if you weren't so short you wouldn't be able to fit in my arms all snuggly,” he looks down at their face and smiles at the adorable sight of their cheek pressed firmly on his chest, probably so they're able to hear his heart beat, they told him before that it's their favourite sound, “look at you, you could fit in my pocket, I could take you everywhere with me.”

They look up at him with the sweetest look on their face, their pretty eyes soft and affectionate. He wishes he could freeze this moment and stay like this forever, no titans, no fighting, no heartbreak, just him relaxing with his beloved in his arms.

“Can I stay in your heart instead? I think I'll like it there more.”

Levi lets out a shaky sigh. He's not one to get emotional, he can't even remember the last time he cried because it's been so long, but at that moment he feels a tug at his heart strings and a lump form in his throat. He never thought he'd ever have someone who loves him unconditionally, who would stay up till the late hours waiting for him because they want him to be the last thing they see before they close their eyes, whose presence felt the closest to what he heard others describe as home, who looked past the walls he has up and saw someone worth all their patience.

“You know I can't have you stay anywhere else. I love you more than I've ever loved anything in my life.”

“More than tea?” they teasingly raise an eyebrow making him chuckle.

"Yes, my love. More than tea," he replies, gently brushing a strand of hair away from their eyes.

“More than cleaning?”

"now I don't know about that...”

“hey!”

Levi laughs loudly, a deep and hearty sound he never imagined would come from him before he met them. Their melodic giggles join his, filling the air with a positive energy he only experiences around them. At that moment, he feels his heart fill with a great amount of happiness, a feeling he always thought he didn't need, but now can never live without, and it makes him realise that he is now complete.

In the past, he thought that when he'd feel complete he would let go of everything, even life itself. But now, the thought of being separated from the love of his life terrifies him, and for the first time, he wants nothing more than to continue living and breathing, even if it means fighting those ugly monsters every single day.

Is life easy right now? No, Eren Jeager is still a big pain in his ass, and the whole situation with the titans keeps getting worse and worse, but now he gets to come home to moments like these, and they simply make everything better.

I lost the plot and didn't make this very focused on short!reader but it's there nonetheless! I love soft Levi who's a totally different person around his love 💕

[definitelynotshouting]

Hello again! Im so sorry to hear you feeling well when i sent in my ask the other day :( hoping that the life series drop tmrw will provide a much needed distraction for whatever you need it to :)

-☀️

"I know the, um, this morning didn't go… very well… but… if I could—""

"Good, he thinks, but it's a rote sentiment, not half so vicious as it had been only hours earlier."

- oh??? 👀 i am looking

- Im assuming this is the meeting they had about taking grian back to hermitcraft (and the revelation that grian feeds on emotions to survive)?? Very curious

- Now that metaphor about the childhood coat being stained is a lot more painful

-☀️

"even stolen energy can't make up for that."

"everything he'd never had the first time he— well, when Grian, the real Grian— had died."

- "stolen energy" omg i am biting ankles over this.

- And the "real Grian" thing. Yeah

- This is one of those moments where grian's whole situation is so much more potent and vivid. Imagining living as myself, but knowing im occupying someone elses body, and having my very lifeforce sustained by others?? Its not hard to understand why grian internalises and hates himself for being "a parasite". Idk thats probably very obvious to everyone else but this is the first time ive really thought about all of what that entails

-☀️

"Starving hands reach out from the depths of his mind to pull him back, stumbling, under that dark waterline."

- Love how the word "starving" implies that G falling asleep is more of a survival mechanism forcing him under so that his body can feed rather than only exhaustion

-☀️

"he's pressed a knife to every promise he's ever made since the day he emerged,"

- shaking you

-☀️

"His existence lies in the shadows of these distorted fractures, jagged hopes and dented dreams, forever fated to cut his hands on the fragments."

- AHHHHJSLDHSJSVSN

- Man 🧍

- Dont have any words. Just tears.

AAAAAAAAAA SUN ANON I ALWAYS LOVE SEEING YOU IN MY INBOX!!!! Gods im so glad these lines resonated with and interested you, they were a ton of fun to write

I have a brain today so i can actually expand on some of the things youve pointed out instead of just aiming heart eyes at you for the compliments fjsndjsjejke so for the first point, yes!!! Scar and Xisuma returned to the others post chap 6 and were like "Well that sucked!! Wow!!!!" I wouldnt say theyve given all the information to everybody, because they themselves aren't exactly ready to discuss that beyond the immediately required basics, but everyone else was given the gist: convo went badly, Grian is being taken back to Hermitcraft on Scar and Xisuma's insistence. Both Scar and Xisuma feel fucking horrible for how that conversation went down-- nobody had a good time there. So while the plan is to eventually get everyone up to speed, they're sorta taking this time to be miserable about what was essentially a fight that ended in stripping Grian of his autonomy

There's also a little cross-communication happening here in the background, btw: Scar and Xisuma have a pretty big picture now, but Tango, Mumbo, and Pearl have been fed that false info abt the potions being potentially useful. So, yknow :) just smth to keep in mind there haha

Your point about how it almost feels like Grian falling asleep is a survival mechanism is spot on the money. It's essentially him falling into a state of low power mode, where everything but his most basic of functions is shut down for a brief time in favour of preserving energy-- i would honestly consider it more equivalent to a coma than actual sleep. Hence Tango's concern, and subsequent relief when Grian woke up; the entire time he was unconscious, he was fully unresponsive. So, yknow. Real nerve-wracking to see, especially after that prior full week of unresponsiveness as his body struggled to maintain itself.

Tango's role here is indeed deliberate, both on a watsonian and doylist level!! The reason however is the exact same for both: Tango is a little more removed, personally, from this situation. Grian was-- and is-- his friend, ofc, but he's not as close to whats happening. Meanwhile, Xisuma is in 24/7 server babysitting mode, Pearl is not fit to be a caretaker, and Scar and Mumbo were tearing themselves apart by trying to sit and look after him. So Tango got assigned caretaker duties 😂😂😂😂 it was an effective way to divvy up tasks and keep everybody busy, and somewhat hilariously, so far Tango is the only person Grian isnt supremely upset with for one reason or another. And thats why he's continued to stay in caretaker mode lol he is truly just. The only guy who can rn

I also just sorta think of him as a surprisingly emotionally savvy fixer-type, in terms of personality. Like. I think he just gets what people set down in front of him, yknow? Although hell if he knows what to do with it once he's got em. He fumbles a lot, sure, and he defaults to fix-it mode, but he is getting the message when Grian essentially says "i dont wanna talk anymore" without actually saying it

As for Grian and his headspace, rn, theres definitely a complexity at work here where he wants to die and is very genuine in that, but he IS also grateful he's seeing his friends. He cant deny that. As painful as it is, he still loves them very much, and ultimately he's trying to do this for their own good as much as for his own sense of punishment and relief. I think like... now that he's really creeping up on what he has planned, and the pieces are suddenly becoming a reality, theres a bit of dissonance he's fighting against to stay on course. He wants his friends happy; he also wants to die. He's so overwhelmingly tired; he is, as much as he feels he doesnt deserve it, glad to have his friends close. That sort of hopelessness mixed with a warped sense of comfort that he got to see and interact with them one last time. If that makes any sense. Its a bit of complexity i wanted to make sure i added in, because people are so rarely fully decided on any course of action they choose to take, without even a single flicker of doubt (and especially one so final as this). Im glad youve picked up on that, and that you appreciate what i was trying to set down with it!!! :D

This was such a lovely message, as always-- you are very sweet, sun anon, and i appreciate you lots :] i hope you're having an excellent day!!!

[pbandjesse]

I really thought I wasn't going to be exhausted today. I was like I'm going to get home at 11 and the ln I'll just go to sleep normal and have a nice day off at home and get lots done. But I was a fool to think that!!

I did get home at 11. The event wrapped up pretty quickly and it was lovely working with everyone. There was a live auction and one of the prizes was a bunch of lottery tickets they stuck in a pumpkin. But the woman who won that was flying and so she didn't want the actual pumpkin so I got to keep it! Excellent. It was honestly larger then I should have been picking up but it's fine. I didn't drop it.

I got home and took a shower and was scrolling on my phone entirely to long. Just winding down. Hugging James. And eventually I was able to sleep.

It was honestly better sleep then I have had the last week. I woke up a few times but not as many and I think it's because I wasn't waking up to pee and then immediately drinking a ton of water every time because I was thirsty. But I did sleep a little better.

I woke up at 9. I don't even remember James leaving for work which made me a little sad. I was moving really slow this morning. But pretty quickly I was shocked awake because I got up and was like. Gotta plug in my phone. And immediately knocked over the new humidifier and spilled water all over my phone. Incredible way to start the day. I moved quick enough to rip my case off and dried it all off and it was fine just Jesus.

I took an excellent shower. I washed my hair and felt a lot more normal. I was sure I was full of energy and would have an excellent and productive day. But it didn't exactly work out like that.

I made the bed and wore cozy clothes. I went and had the breakfast sandwich James made me. I brought it upstairs and sat at my desk. It was a nice morning.

I would go downstairs to work on the sewing machine for a little bit. I got another color set of frog legs sewn. But I was not feeling sitting there so I gather one of my knit projects that needed sewing and brought it upstairs to work.

I did stop and checked on Crabcake. He has needed me to come and move him into the food bowl for him to eat. I think he's a little sleepy/bored as the house gets cooler. I will have to get him to walk around the room outside of his tank. Don't want him to be bored.

I would sit on the floor in our bedroom working on this floor mat project for a while. But after an hour I was just. So tired. I didn't really do much so I don't even understand why I became so overwhelmingly exhausted but it was wild. I was able to sew two rows closed and together. 3 more to go and I really wanted to finish that today but there was no way I was going to be able to keep going at that point.

I would lay down to watch a video. I was feeling very unwell and off. I was just not having a very good time. I would eventually fall asleep but it wasn't a very restful sleep. I woke up thirsty and tired and feeling weird.

I tried to shake it off. I drank water and moved downstairs and had a snack. I just wanted James to come home.

They were running late because of the event tonight. I was feeling a little better after my snack. I had the backdoor open and was working on .u temperature blanket. I have all the panels through the end of August put together now. I plan on getting all the yarn cut this week for September so I can work on that during our drive to Gabe's wedding weekend next week. Maybe I'll get October cut out too even though the total month won't be done. That's alright.

James would get home and I was not feeling great again. They came and cuddled me and it helped a little. They would make dinner. And we talked about baby. It's the 18th and the start of the 18th week. And I know I was feeling bad yesterday about everything but looking at the belly pictures I have been taking every Friday I am rounding out in the middle. So that's neat. I just really hope they are okay in there.

After dinner James would come and lay with me on the couch while they worked on editing their podcast. I was just scrolling on my phone. Eventually I would go lay upstairs because I needed different pillows. James would come up here eventually but they would go and hang a shelf on the stairwell (it didn't exactly fit so they had to cut it down a bit. Pictured above). But it should be good for displaying some of the Legos and other small sculptural things!

I would take a bath. And I put peppermint Dr Bronners in the water and so then I was so chilly after. But now I'm bundled in bed. Trying to be comfortable. I am just so tired.

Tomorrow I have a workshop at awah. I am a little confused about the layout but I'll figure it out when I get there. It should be a nice couple hours. And hopefully I am not to exhausted anymore.

I hope you all have a good night. Sleep well and be safe! Until tomorrow!

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3443

today has been fuckin ROUGH, my dudes.

i woke up this morning and almost immediately got overwhelmed by stuff. car accident stuff, medical bill stuff, cleaning stuff, putting stuff away, money stuff, literally anything that i had to think about or possibly find i was immediately stressed about. my broken glasses, an unpaid insurance claim, unpaid medical bills that i didn't know where to send, phone calls, breakfast, missing paperwork. literally i sat up in bed with my head in my hands for a solid ten minutes because i couldn't handle looking at my disaster of a room. it just made everything worse.

the anxiety and stress followed me most of the day. it still lingers, even now.

i didn't feel confident enough in myself to be an adult today. in fact, today was one of those days when i wanted to sit with my plushies and rock back and forth all day and be tucked into bed. it felt like i was five. it happens a lot, actually, and it's very frustrating because it happens at the worst possible moments.

i had to push through it. as mom looked for some of my paperwork, she also picked up some of the things in my room that didn't need to be there. it made it a little more manageable. i could at least look at it.

mom and i sat down and looked at paperwork after collecting a bunch. we looked through insurance things for my car accident. i went through and checked things off. i had questions so i wrote them down. i filled out forms and called my claims agent and left a message. when she didn't pick up, mom and i went to the bank to get things notarized. with that done, we got starbucks and lunch and my agent called back just as i was putting my stuff down after coming back. i asked my questions and got some answers. so that was good.

i also got a notification that my ebay package was delivered - the one with my new glasses frames in it. i ran out to grab the mail and i took the box and my purse and went to get my lenses changed into the new frames. i had to wait a bit, and while i waited i realized i was so excited to get my new frames that i'd left my phone on the table at home.

good news is the frames are perfect.

i was able to hit up walmart after for a few things i needed, like my medication refills, some body wash, and a new supply of period supplies, but i also got more decorations for the office for valentine's day and laundry baskets for me and joel. they're a distinct color so no one should fuck it up.

also i scheduled an appointment to get my hair done later this month. mom and i talked about it and she said she was willing to pay for it for me, still. she mentioned it's something i do for my mental health, and she's right. it's been a long time since i last got my hair done, so i'm happy about being able to do it again.

after returning home after all of that, i was tired. mom and i went upstairs and played one of the new games i got for christmas and it was a lot of fun to play. i'll bring it over to play with joel, although a lot of people don't like the same kind of games i do. it kind of makes me sad because people don't like the puzzle games i like so i don't have people to play them with. sure i don't have a lot of time anyway, but id still like to play. i miss playing. so much of my life is just work and sleep and drive and i don't ever really get to just play. i keep plushies with me because i want the comfort of having them with me because i don't have time to dedicate to having them with me. so i just keep them with me. it's. it's frustrating. and it makes me sad.

but yeah not much happened besides a ton of things that needed to be cleared up for my mental health.

next up is cutting my nails. i'm so tired. i'm exhausted and im hungry and im tired and i need a vacation desperately. and probably a new job. it's taxing. i love my job. i love my coworkers. but what i have to do to go to work daily is unsustainable. i've really worked there for six months. i am very fucking close to burning out.

i need to talk to christine. too many things have happened.

also i'd like a joel hug. he gives good hugs and encourages me to only worry about the things i can control. he helps me put things into perspective.

i hope he likes the laundry baskets.

[radio-silence-lol]

i dont know how to title this

this is my first blog post on tumblr. It’s probably going to be shit (it most definitely is). I think i should probably leave my room more often. Last night or this morning i went to sleep at 2 am and woke up at 6. Was I incredibly tired today? Not really. My sleep schedule is so fucked that i can stay up until 4 am without any caffeine. Thats probably not healthy, but who is entirely healthy. Nobody is perfect so why should i try to be. I did clean my room today. It didnt really take that long, i just saw a ton of people cleaning their rooms for the new year on tik tok and i thought i would join in. My room didnt even need cleaning but who cares. I am behind on a lot of homework but I couldn’t care less. I still have good grades. Thats all that matters. Fuck i should have done an about me first but that’s too late now. Ive already put a few minutes of effort into this. I actually had a really hard time choosing my username because you know, who actually has any username ideas when they need to create them. I need to change my profile picture when im done with this. That would probably be good. I should also see if tumblr has an app because that would be slightly more convenient than the website. I feel like this is long enough for my first blog post.

[dzpenumbra]

2/26/23

I didn't get a lot of sleep today. I woke up early. I think I had intense dreams, again, don't remember. I got up and was going to pass out in the comfy chair, but just decided to stay up.

I finally got a bookcase. It was delivered yesterday. I spent a big chunk of the day putting it together, and fixing up the old table I got from my brother and sister in law. So... for the first time since my move-in in mid December... I started to unpack my stuff.

For years and years, I lived in my old house with stuff still in boxes in the living room. Like... 80% of my possessions just sitting in cardboard boxes in my living room. I had 3 empty closets and tons of space to put stuff. And I just... I couldn't figure out why my house was so messy! And I couldn't figure out the subconscious logic behind the boxes.

Now... it's starting to make more sense. As I finally make deliberate different choices, the contrast is starting to make sense. I'm making this place my home. I'm settling in.

The irony? The bookcase that my mom got me is designed to be foldable... so that it's easier for me... when I inevitably move. Like... even she is subconsciously aware of this, and hasn't connected the dots on why all my shit has been in boxes for years.

Why would I unpack? I might have to leave overnight. I might get my financial funding pulled. I might get evicted. I might <insert PTSD disaster scenario here>.

I remember back in like... 2016? 2017? My former best friend and her husband were like... showing off their bug-out bags to me, and talking about how they were like... because of the "tension with China"? or something? Ready to dip out in a moment's notice. Well... I mean, they'd be able to dip out for like... a few days... The rest of their stuff would be fucked if they left it.

But me? The majority of my precious possessions would just need to have the box they're stored in taped shut and put in a vehicle. My entire house is a bug-out bag. XD And it has been for a very long time. Ever since I moved off my parents property.

I came back from college and moved into my parents' property, above a 2-car garage. I actually moved in there, I made it a home and everything. When my ex and I "decided" to live together... aka when I decided to move... I wanted to make that a home as well. I tried to. But I wanted to make it a home with her. Together. But she was... obsessed with "work". Obsessed with making money. Obsessed with being "productive". Obsessed with paying off these mysterious debts that she never talked about, never showed me, never... oh boy... big red flags there, eh? Well, you know... you try to be nice and not pry when people seem really anxious and insecure and uncomfortable... and they just really take advantage of that, don't they? Yikes.

So... I got her a job. Through family connections. A great job, at a cool place. And she spent all her time there, and like no time with me. And when she got home, she'd just go in the spare room that was supposed to be my art studio... but became reserved for her second work-from-home job. And she'd just go work a shift there. And I'd take care of the dogs, and cook dinner, and play games and watch TV. And we'd just like... never really do shit together. We would play games sometimes - Diablo 3, Minecraft, League of Legends, Starbound, Starcraft 2 - I taught her from scratch, she got pretty good. But she would get frustrated and just drop it after a while. Work always took center stage. Despite rent being completely covered for her. Despite all her bills being taken care of. Despite never discussing a plan and refusing to discuss budgeting. Despite me giving her basically all of my savings to help her pay off her debts.

I know that in the future, if I see that, I need to be more suspicious. It feels unkind to do so, and I really don't know how to be... careful? Self-protective? In a way that is respectful. In the sense that... I err waaaaaay too far onto the side of self-sacrificing, yielding, etc. Giving way too much benefit of the doubt. But I'm not going to crack that nut tonight.

Because of this massive rift she was creating, how busy she was intentionally keeping herself, we had less and less in common, less and less shared. That, combined with her odd paradoxical obsessions with wanting to stay in a relationship with me, but being obsessed with the concept of "independence"... she ended up enslaving herself. And blaming me.

I didn't deserve the blame. I was just trying to create a home. A life. A shared home. A shared life. (again, a goal that... apparently... due to her obsession with independence... she did not share and did not disclose.) I put the development of that home on hold until she was ready to participate. And the place was cavernously empty for like 2-3 years. Because I was just... waiting. Waiting for her to make up her mind. She started to rent her own apartment on the side, while "living" in my house. We would fight regularly and she would retreat to her apartment. That went on for months. If only I had a good friend to like... sit down and tell me that was... really not normal. And that what she was doing behind the scenes... was not worth giving her dozens of second chances for. That I deserved much better.

All the while, the majority of my possessions were being stored above my parents' garage, still waiting to be moved in. And... my mom started renovating it. And she told me to get my stuff out of there, but I didn't really have a place to put it. I didn't want the clutter in the main room to upset my ex or make the place feel like... like it wasn't a home. I didn't want to store my stuff in "our" empty, unused studio space, which eventually just turned into... her spare bedroom while we were mildly fighting. Barren, dark and haunted when she retreated to her apartment when the fights got bigger.

After the breakup, and a long mourning period because this breakup synced up with some very tragic deaths, I reclaimed my possessions from my above parents' garage. That's where the boxes came from. The dreaded boxes. That's when the boxes started.

A lot of my possessions were covered in a coat of drywall dust. Splattered with paint and stuff. It... sucked. It hurt. Like... my college degree was damaged in that process. Whatever an art degree from a state college is worth in fucking 2023. And it hurt a lot. And I blamed myself. I didn't really feel like I had a choice, and it wasn't my fault, I was the victim there... but... I blamed myself. I salvaged what I could, which was a lot. But I left a lot of it there, and I wouldn't be too surprised if it was just kinda gone now. Things with my family were... shockingly horrible at that period in time. Surreally transforming. I think it was mostly because of my older brother getting married, big life transition growing pain kinda stuff. People don't tend to really understand that even big good things can also be traumatic, it's all in how it's processed and what it does to you. And I really think that's what was going on there, and no one really knew what was going on? Why they were so upset and the world was really threatening all of a sudden? (spoiler: it was big change) And I, the middle child, the black sheep, the weird dude with tattoos and camo pants and a Parkway Drive wifebeater with a peace sign on it, barefoot with stupid cheap sunglasses and a short mohawk... I'm an easy target. I'm a skateboarder. It's really fucking easy to have your boss treat you like shit and just take it, have someone cut you off in traffic and just take it, have a cop give you a stupid ticket for no reason and just take it, and then find a skateboarder skating in your parking spot and scream at them for 20 minutes about how they're going to hurt someone and "that's fucking illegal!"

I wish I wasn't used to it.

ANYWHO. Big can of worms there we're not getting into tonight... XD

So, the boxes that I brought back from my old place, from above my parents' garage, that had been there for like... a year or so already? They stayed on the floor of my main room in my old house for... 3 years? Give or take? Maybe 4? Early Summer 2019 to... Winter 2022. 3.5 years, let's go with that, split the difference.

I got a lot of shit for my stuff being there. And... I never unpacked it. I mean, I did with some of it, but like... not all of it. Just what I needed at the time.

My home did not feel like my home. Because it was never intended to be my home. That was never the plan. And I tried to make it my home. Especially during the pandemic, after I got off meds. I turned the old haunted workspace into an art/streaming studio, which was tremendously emotionally difficult and subsequently liberating. I made sure my dog knew very clearly that the futon mattress that my ex used to sleep on in the spare room was 100% hers (my dogs, that is, not my ex...), but I was going to nap on it with her sometimes because I wanted to be close to her. I reclaimed the space. The best I could.

And it was a house. But it was not a home. It wasn't my home. It was someone else's home that I was living in. And they lived on the property. And they were just... biding time until I left. Completely unaware of the severe water damage to the walls from shoddy construction. And I have no idea how they were unaware, because they were literally picking up pieces of rotting wood falling off of the walls when they were mowing the yard. But that, also, is a story for another day.

This apartment. It's... hard to tell what it is to me. Is it a transitional space? Is it... dare I say... home? At least for now?

I had no problem making a space a home for my dog and cat (who I miss so, so dearly every day), I have no problem making a space a home for a partner. Especially if it's a task we do together, building a home together. Good lord, that's an absolute fantasy of mine. I've wanted that for so long. But, apparently, I have a problem making a home for myself.

I have no problem making a home in Rimworld. Or in Minecraft, I've made tons of homes in Minecraft, and they're all very neatly organized and designed really cool and everything. I can actually see them in my head right now! The one I made in a snowy pine biome, the A-frame with the big floor to ceiling glass windows looking out over the valley. The farm house by the beach on the old modded server I played on with my ex-friend from Florida and his dad, with a big Chisels and Bits roof, and a deck looking out over the big corn and cotton and strawberry fields. With the huge sprawling dirt roads that stretched to a small coastal village with a marble train station with Chisels and Bits stained glass windows in it. The beach house I made in my last Valhelsia Vanilla world... then the starter house and the 2-story farmhouse and the massive wheat fields and Create windmill that I expanded to later... on my short lived but long-payed-for 2-player multiplayer server. Fort Saiga, with it's giant hedge maze inside the perimeter of the walls, that I built with my friend who lived in North Carolina back in like... oh good lord... this had to be... 2012? There was even a home that I built into the interior second floor of a gigantic Aztec temple that I built on the multiplayer server where I was a Mod and met my ex-Florida friend. So many homes. I'm not even going to get into Rimworld. I've almost hit 4k hours in that game. Countless homes.

So I can make a home for myself. And I enjoy it. But... I don't.

Because life is not secure for me. It's not predictable, it's not safe. I might have to pack all my shit and move in a week. My life has just... been that. That's my best guess. That's the closest I can get to unraveling this mystery right now. And I'm sure... like the mystery of my ex hiding her expenses and normalizing renting an apartment while in a live-in relationship... in about 5 years time I'm going to look back on this and see it clear as day. So here's a message to Future Me. Hi. You're kinda lucky. It's pretty spooky to be in this place. Not really knowing why shit is happening, big blank spots where there should be answers. Having all the data in front of you and not being able to piece it together.

I guess that's just... life. Right? Like... that's the point of learning, right? XD I mean, it's so damn simple but I don't think people really think about it. I hear shit like that a lot. "I don't know how to play guitar, so I'm never going to learn how to play guitar." What?! XD That's literally how learning works. I mean... no one can just... Matrix jack download information directly into their brain, it just doesn't work like that. Even if you could, you would lack context. That information would sound like gibberish, you wouldn't have the hands-on experience to apply it!

I fixed a piece of furniture today. I was warned that the legs of this table were wobbly, and the drawers were sticky. They were not wrong. I made the error of attacking this problem first, then assembling the bookshelf second, which was an error because... I didn't have a hex wrench. I always lose them. And the bookcase had one in it the whole time. Apparently people are just using the most annoying, easy to lose tool on the planet as the standard hardware now... I mean, it makes sense, it's a good design, lots of leverage, less risk of stripping screws, I get it... but hex wrenches hurt the hell out of my hands and I lose more of them than I do socks. Just sayin.

My point here is that I flipped this table over and studied the parts. Legs attached by screws with a washer and a metal ring, for spacing I guess? A wood corner piece that it screws through to hold the leg in place, on all four corners. Hex screws on all of them. So I took the legs off, checked the metal sockets on the legs to make sure they weren't loose or wobbly, seemed legit, and then screwed it back in and used pliers to get them firmly tight. That's where the hex wrench would've come in handy... Then I removed the drawers, studied the construction. Basically a piece of wood tacked to the bottom with a slot in it, and the corresponding puzzle piece attached to the table itself. I inspected the inside of this lock and key kinda mechanism and saw a lot of... some kind of residue built up. Could be anything really. So I spent a good amount of time getting sandpaper in there and just... sanding and wiping the gunk out of it. The best I could. The part attached to the table itself was easier than cleaning out the slot, but I did a pretty good job. Then I just put them back in, made sure they were aligned right and... ta-da. Not really good as new... if I actually manufactured new wooden parts for it, I would absolutely say so... but... much improved! Very stable, the drawers slide fine, don't stick.

All it took was an inquisitive mind. And a willingness to make mistakes. And to learn from, and fix those mistakes. That's all. And I learned a lot today about that, I feel much more capable of taking on other furniture projects now. Assembling the bookshelf after that felt like putting together legos compared to troubleshooting something without a manual or instructions. You know? It's a completely different experience, a different way of using your brain.

So... I guess I'm kinda hinting at... well, kinda more than hinting at, I'm kinda just saying... Maybe it's okay for me to not fully know what the deal with the boxes and making big messes everywhere is about. I'll find out in time. That doesn't mean... stop looking. That doesn't mean "never learn guitar". That doesn't mean "I'm a messy person, so fucking deal with it." It means... I don't know now because I lack that perspective. But I might in the near future. And it might teach me a lot about how to improve my life even more. It might just be a blind spot for me.

That said, I think I started to open the door on that realization today. And the ironic part, I had a live stream on most of the day of this pair of bald eagles nesting in California. Here, I'll share the link, I've been visiting a bit.

As I was sorting my stuff, putting some in storage, putting others in a more... accessible, intentional space on a bookshelf... I was kept company by a family, in their home, with their expected children. It was heartwarming, and I think encouraging.

I got a lot done, about half of the main room is in much better shape. My work space is coming up next. And my new computer desk should be arriving soon to herald that next phase of home development. My whole computer and work space is shared right now, and it's incredibly cramped. The new desk will be wonderful for computer and music stuff, writing and maybe even some drawing. Then art projects will happen on my drafting table. For now... until I can get a table that's a bit more sturdy, that ideally has a pegboard or built in tool storage included.

Until then? I'm going to have a massive pile of art supplies and tools just chillin on the floor within a reasonable arm's reach. Which... if you've ever met me in the wild - which you haven't because I'm a hermit... but... let's just use our imaginations here - is kinda just my natural state of being.

Hey, check that out, I don't even have to reset the vibes at the end of this. :) It's been a while! Have a good night!

[marikos-diary]

I guess what would have once been an ED blog will do. I couldn’t think of a good name for a new diary.

So, where to begin? I’m massively upset and anxious. It feels like no one cares about me. I’ve started smoking again after months of trying not to. I don’t feel safe or secure in my apartment building because management is a joke. I am under immense stress and my anxiety is so far out of whack that I have been throwing up and having chest pain. My best friend doesn’t talk to me even when I beg her for help. My other best friend is dead. My beloved cat is dying slowly. My other cat is having litter box issues. I submitted the form to withdraw from my classes for the semester and am planning on taking a year off to get better, but if I am being honest with myself we all know it will take several years at least. So that’s fun. And miserable. I do nothing all day and am miserable because I am too anxious to actually do anything. I can’t take care of myself or the cats or the apartment due to my depression. I am supposed to clean every week on Fridays but I spent all day throwing up from anxiety so that didn’t get done. I haven’t showered or taken a bath in like two weeks. I don’t actually know how long. I did buy some bath wipes today so I will do those before bed tonight and change my underwear as well. I forgot to get dry shampoo. Shit. I guess that means my hair stays gross. As of today I am thinking of getting it all cut off so that it is easier to manage while I go through this. There’s just so much of it and it is so hard. It would bbe a haircut of necessity. But I think I need to.

Anyway. I posted on Reddit for get some showering advice and people were very helpful. That was a positive experience. But then it got overwhelming and now I want to delete the post because there are too many notifications. So I turned my phone on do not disturb. I guess I could also turn off the app notifications but then they would just be lurking in the background waiting. And I don’t know if that would be worse or not. But they do get to be a lo some times.

Boo is on my lap. She is purring and being a soothing presence. I really appreciate her so very much. I was awake crying in bed being miserable and throwing up until 4am last night. And she just hunkered down with me and licked my face and hand and stayed the entire time. And then I did finally fall asleep, thankfully, sometime after 4. I got ignored by my bff all night during my br k down but what else is new. I don know how to feel about that other than betrayed. More on that soon.

Anyway, when I woke up I was so surprised because sweet little Boo was on MY pillow. That’s where she used to sleep!!! Before the big CKD diagnosis. She did that for over 13 years every single night without fail. After going to the doctor she slept in her tower for about two weeks before she started coming to bed again. Except, instead of going on my pillow she went on the other set of pillows like a little princess. Two fluffy pillows all for her! That took some getting used to but mostly I was happy that she was back in bed with me. So she has been doing that nightly for about two months now. That was where she was when I fell asleep. Usually when I wake up she has already gotten up and is in the living room by the window. But today I opened my eyes and found hher on the pillow behind mine!!! I felt so very special. She must yavhave wanted to keep a closer eye on me after th big upset the night prior.

I don’t know what time I will go to bed tonight. It is 9:30 and I am very much still keyed up from my anxiety. Which is… not how it should be working right now. I have taken a shit ton of anxiety meds today and I should be chill.

8am- buspar

I didn’t really feel too anxious mostly depressed all day. So I didn’t take my as needed stuff until later.

8:15pm - hydroxyzine 25mg x2, buspar

That is a new one. I don’t know it does anything for me or if I need a highe dose or not. I don’t know. So I took two and waited. And then something happened and I got so anxious that I threw up and it felt like I probably puked up my meds that I had literally just taken. Si that was a bummer.

So no surprise my anxiety continued to get worse. I tried cuddling with cats, I tried having a cigarette and doing deep breathing. I tried reaching out to support groups online about what was currently troubling me. Anxiety just kept getting worse.

Which leads us to

9:30pm’- Ativan 1 mg x3

I had ten total ish left and I almost took all of them tbh it was so bad. But I wanted to be a good patient so I didn’t.

That just leaves my AP as the remaining medicine for the day. I didn’t take it yesterday and I probably should have but oh well. So I am going to at ieastbtai a half dose tonight.

The building is quieting down which is nice. I can only ever hear people when they are in the hallways, but it is VERY loud when I hear that. It’s awful. I haven’t heard anyone coming or going in maybe an hour at this point. I’m finally starting to relax. It’s nice.

My stomach is still upset though. I was throwing up bile all morning and afternoon and didn’t eat until like 5pm. I’m not like queasy or anything but I can tell my body wants to throw up again. I should probably eat more.

I don’t see myself going to bed any time soon. I was up until 4am last night being upset, and then spent most of today upset. I’d like to have at least a little fun or do something enjoyable. Listen to my favorite podcast maybe. Watch the next episode of the Expanse. I could do that one in bed too which could be very nice and cozy.

I don’t super want to get on an opposite schedule because I like seeing the Burger King ladies in the morning. And I’d like to have some type of a normal life while I recover and heal. But maybe it would be okay just for this weekend. Or at least just for tonight. If I could do something fun and stay up late doing that.

I did plug in my white noise machine last night and left it on ever since. It is kind of helping. It drowns out some of the hallway noise.

I just checked and it is 64 degrees so I went ahead and turned off the ac and opened the bedroom window so that it will be nice and chilly in there when I do lay down. Whenever that is. It could be in an hour, it could be in five hours. But it should be nice and chilly in there and then I will b so warm and cozy. That sounds very nice.

Or, I could stay up until like 8 or 9 and still get to see the Burger King ladies by going as soon as they open. If I stay up that long then I’d have to work to not fuck yo my entire sleep schedule super bad. But I would get to see the morning sparkles from my sun catchers. I don’t think I would make it to 8am so that feels unlikely but it is a nice thought.

So. I got off track. But it was a nice deviation into more pleasant topics.

I guess I want to vent about Charlie but like. Idk. I’m pretty upset about it but I literally only just calmed down like within the past twenty minutes. So maybe I will save that for another time.

I kind of want to go be cozy in bed but I still feels like u am going to throw up so idk. I should probably eat something healthy. But I don’tbfeel capable of that. I du have mini bags of Doritos. So I guess I will do one of those.

Good night maybe. Probably not but maybe.

[creamdemonsworld]

8/1/2024

Hi Tumblr, here's what happened today.

Today is Thursday which is my Sunday because I take Wed-Thurs off. I tried my best to fix my sleep schedule last night and woke up at 10am! which is better than 1pm. I notice that when I wake up earlier I feel more refreshed and less foggy. So tonight we're shooting for 9am wake up time.

I did not eat breakfast because I needed groceries so I lazed around until I had therapy. I showered, got ready, and had a very productive therapy session. I love my therapist she's amazing. I've been going to therapy since early childhood and with my current therapist I feel like I'm actually getting things done with my trauma. I talked about how I suddenly feel safe in my new home because of an accident.

The accident: Every night I make sure to lock all my windows and doors to my house - including my bedroom door - before yesterday I never even dared to sleep with the window open. But yesterday I went to go open the huge window on the front of my house, unlocked it, realized it was locked. And then came to the conclusion that my window had been unlocked ever since I moved in here. A happy accident! Because nothing bad has happened since my window was unlocked. Which in my mind means that I am safe!

To celebrate my conquered fear, I slept with my window open and my bedroom door unlocked. I slept so good with my nice cool room. I has been so stuffy these past couple weeks. But yay!

There was more stuff that I talked about with my therapist but it's just housekeeping stuff like my relationships and my art. She really wants to heal my relationship with art. I do too.

After therapy I went to the grocery store for my weeks worth of groceries. $98 later I put it all away and my cold brew kicked in so I deep cleaned my kitchen.

My kitchen/living area has been a total mess from moving. I moved into a much smaller place so I've been slowly chipping away at this huge pile of stuff I no longer have space for in the kitchen. Today I made a HUGE dent. I was brave and threw a ton of boxes in the recycling, and even put three boxes by the door to eventually put on the sidewalk.

I then called my girlfriend and had a lengthy talk with her. We're poly and she has a fiancé. I came from being strictly mono to being wither her so this is all new to me. I told her that if she wants two life partners she needs to treat me like a life partner. And we decided to start things over with no expectations just to see where things go. It was a really satisfying conversation honestly. I do wish she could come see me more but if that doesn't end up happening I'm just gonna end it by the end of the year. I can't handle being with someone who has the resources to come visit but still doesn't.

After my conversation with gf I clipped my cat's nails. He is such a good boy. He just complains about being wrapped in a towel but never bites or scratches. He got lots of treats.

The rest of my day was relaxing, I vegged out in bed for a minute and then decided to try and paint something after 3 years of not creating. I need to start it over but I'm not mad at myself like I usually am. I really hope the therapy is helping heal my relationship with art. I crave creation so badly but my brain has so many triggers around it so it's a very hard thing for me to do.

Anyway, it's time for bed. My work week starts tomorrow and I have rent damage I need to make up. Goodnight Tumblr!

[definitelynotgideon]

This is a Genya Shinazugawa x OC (Gideon Azulyss) MLM Fic 🏳️‍🌈

AN/ I feel like this took me a hot minute to write and I'm so sorry. Evening projects/events for work are in full force after spring break. RIP.

CW/ Strong Language, Suggestive language

Word Count : 1,234

The Demons We Face | Chapter 7, Trust

The two boys calmed enough to actually nap, resting up until the smell of food roused them. Genya woke up first, his taste buds reveling from the scents from the kitchen area. When he looked over to Gideon, the was still lightly sleeping. 

This boy was going to miss out on so many meals. What did he even do before today, just not think of eating? 

Couldn't be Genya. He enjoyed good food. 

Still, he didn't want the silver haired boy to miss out on nourishment. Little adorable dork would pass out in battle if he didn't eat well. Not on Genya's watch. He crawled out of his bed and crept over to kneel by Gideon's head. 

“Gideon.”

Nothing. He was more asleep than Genya thought. He leaned over his head and poked his cheek. Nope.

His face changed though, his brows furrowed in his sleep and he groaned. Progress?

“Gideon wake up, there's food for us.” 

“...thanks mom~” he said softly in his sleep. 

“I'm not your mom. Gideon. Wake uhhhpp…” 

“...Dad?”

“Ew, no. Not that guy.” 

Gideon groaned and pulled the covers over his face. 

“Don't make me marry this girl.” 

Genya looked to the little lump of blanket on the floor. Was he having a bad dream? Was he dreaming about his dad?

If that was the case he'd need to try harder to wake him up. He shook his shoulder but Gideon just groaned more. “Wake up!” 

He stopped shaking his shoulder to see if he'd made any progress, and he'd successfully woken up the boy. Squinty green eyes meet him as he untucked his face from blankets and he blinks, rubbing his eyes. 

“Genya…” he groaned softly. “I'm still so sleepy.”

“But food is almost done. We need to eat.” 

“...Stay with me a few moments… please.” 

He did have a bad dream. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary for him, and it didn't get too terribly involved. He'd had worse dreams. But as Genya had roused him from sleep he was so relieved that he wasn't the younger version of himself again. 

His eyes were tired, masking a vulnerability that he'd subtly opened up to Genya with. The taller boy searched his gaze for a moment. He'd caught the tone of his voice and sensed pain. So he nodded softly. 

“Okay. Hang on.”

He carefully got to his feet and went over to grab his futon, scooting it closer to Gideon's. He crawled back into his covers, looking to his companion. Gideon had turned over and watched him move, looking like he could possibly cry. He wasn't expecting this much.

“...Do you want to talk about it?” 

Gideon blinks, averting his eyes. “It's… not anything you don't already know. Just a bad memory I think. Sorry I'm… being a bit of a baby about it-”

“You don't need to apologize.”

The gods knew that Genya had experienced plenty of the same. He would have wanted someone to sit with him for reassurance. A little while back, someone did sit with him and continued to be supportive when he really didn't have to be. One act of love had helped Genya immensely.

Gideon had given him his trust, and so he wanted to hold it gently. He didn't know a ton about this boy still. What if he didn't have anyone to lean on like Genya had Gyomei?

“I'm here. Whenever you're ready. We can talk or we can get up and eat. I won't leave without you.”

Gideon couldn't help the tears that fell, but he wiped them roughly on his blanket. “You're like. So nice to me. Thank you.”

“You're thanking me for being nice to you?”

Gideon smirked a little. “Well you could choose to be an asshole, so.”

Genya huffed a small laugh. “Fair enough. I just don't think I have it in me to be mean to you.” 

“Why's that? Did I not annoy you enough today?” 

“Nope. You failed.”

Gideon smiled. “Well fuck. Guess I've got to try harder then.” 

Genya reached over and playfully shoved his shoulder. “Two can play your game. What if I annoy you first?”

Gideon gasped. “You wouldn't dare.” 

“Oh, but I would. I had younger siblings. I perfected the art.”

“No!” Gideon giggles, hiding himself a bit more under his blanket. 

Genya grins at him. “Oh wow, your bed actually looks much more comfortable all of a sudden!”

“EEEEEK, GENYA! THAT'S SO FORWARD-”

Genya hardly hears his squealing words, he just flops on top of him. “So comfy~” 

“GENYA YOU FUCKING YAKUSUGI YOUR BODY IS CRUSHING ME!!” 

Genya gut-laughs on top of him. “What did you just call me?!”

“GIANT ASS TREE! DO YOU RAISE BONSAIS TO FEEL INCREDIBLY LARGE NEXT TO SOMETHING?! HUH??” 

Genya laughs into the blanket under him, just over Gideons shoulder. “I don't need to do that to feel large~” 

“EEEEEK!!”

Gideon struggles under him, blushing deeply at everything happening. That statement, feeling his weight and his warm breath… it was too much, maybe he'd just die here like this. Genya was going to give him a heart attack, he was convinced. 

He hid his very flustered face in his hands and stopped struggling. He could feel the heat coming off of his blushing cheeks. 

Genya gently rolled off of him, sensing that the joke had gone on long enough. “Did I win?~” 

Gideon didn't answer but peered up at him from his hands. Even his ears were red. 

Genya smiled, knowing he hadn't annoyed him necessarily but this result was somehow better. “Cute~” he teased, standing up and looking down to him. “C'mon. I'm hungry. Get up or imma carry you in there like a hunted deer.”

Gideon huffs, shuffling himself to kneel and about to stand up by himself, but Genya offered him a hand for help. He took it, and the boy tugged him up with ease. Genya smirked to him before leading the way out of the room, proud of himself. 

Gideon followed slower, still flustered out of his poor little mind. The tables had turned. The flusterer was now the fluster-ee. 

They're served dinner, Gideon shyly sits next to Genya where he had that morning and eats the meal. Pork, rice, vegetables all mingled together and he picked bits together with his chopsticks. Genya, like he had with the ramen, ate separate parts; eating his meat first, veggies second, rice third.

Genya glanced over to Gideon as he ate. Gideon’s gaze flickered up to him as he swallows a bite. Genya smiles to him and leans his leg on Gideon's. Gideon blushes, but leans into him in return before returning to his meal. 

A certain warmth radiated in both of their chests with that. They had trust in one another and showed each other care in subtle ways. This may very well be their last meal. The life of a demon slayer was always full of potential last times. But both boys had hope as well that this wouldn't be the last meal, that they'd make it to the morning sunrise…

That they'd have more time. 

Finishing their food, they both stood, taking their dishes in to clean them and set them aside for their host to put away where she kept them. They gathered their things up and exited the house, eyes on the treeline. There was a demon to deal with in the forest shadows…

[oncetherenowhere]

Turns out, drinking tons of coffee before 5AM on an empty stomach does things to you. I got through the day, but at what cost! I had a spell of total paranoia. I wrote in yesterday's journal about receiving bad news almost every week, and then I got worried that something would happen to H. He took the day off because he hadn't slept and needed to catch up...so he didn't respond my text, furthering my theory that Something Had Happened.

I kept calm and talked myself down. When he woke up and texted me back, I felt relieved as fuck. Embarrassed, but relieved. Coffee, man, phew.

Then...after work, I called my mom. And got more bad news. This bad news in question doesn't concern me, necessarily...but it's still about something and someone I care about. Someone else we know is dying. I don't want to share the details.

I got home and....at first I collapsed, and then H and I cleaned the apartment. Nervous cleaning does wonders for stress. I woke up this morning and was very pleased with the place.

Woke up at 1:30AM today, despite downing some melatonin. Got back to sleep around 3AM, though. Made myself a proper breakfast today. I'm having coffee, but not as much. Just gotta get through today, and then I've got the weekend. We're supposed to have nice weather, so...yay? Maybe I'll finally leave the house...I've been cooped up for weeks, it feels like.

I keep having this paranoid thought that I'm attracting every bad thing that happens to me. I know the manifestation stuff works for some people, but it causes me a lot of stress. When you have trouble controlling your thoughts, and you're introduced to that mindset, it creates this horrible fear, like you're bringing about a plague of misfortune unto yourself. It isn't healthy or helpful for me.

Even if things were going fine and well...it's hard to look at the world and NOT have your heart break into a million pieces. You know? My therapist tries to tell me that worrying about society isn't helpful, but how can I not? How could anybody not? I think being horrified and disgusted should be the normal reaction. I know it shouldn't take over my life, but aren't we all affected by the state of things? Don't we all live in this society?

I don't know. I'm rambling now.

Hopefully I get some decent sleep tonight. I'm still having weird dreams. Not nightmares, thank goodness, but WEIRD dreams.

Last night, I dreamt that H and I were over some woman's house with a bunch of other people- all strangers, but in my dream, we were friends. The woman made an elaborate dinner. Everyone ate. H and I volunteered to clean up. When we did, though, everything started floating away. The kitchen broke into chunks and each part drifted past my reach, so I had to physically run and jump to do dishes. We got yelled at for not being efficient enough. Everyone ignored the fact that the kitchen was coming apart at the seams, that there was no reasonable way to clean anything in an efficient manner. Very bizarre.

...actually, reading that, I can see the symbolism pretty clearly. Minds are fascinating.

Anyways...uh...yeah, that's it.

[pbandjesse]

I am glad I stayed home today. I actually felt good and I was super productive. I'm pretty tired now. But I feel happy and like I got a ton done. And still rested and took care of myself.

I was really glad when I woke up to Heather texting me that I didn't need to come to camp to help with maiden choice. While I really enjoy helping with the horses, I had thrown up really violently last night and it wasn't amazing sleep after. James would hold me but my head would hurt so bad and throwing up was painful and I was crying and it was scary. I would fall asleep pretty quickly after but I was pretty upset still. I woke up a few times overnight. And when I woke up for real I just felt kind of gross. I started making the bed but then James came up and told me that they would do that and so I went to take a shower.

I washed my hair and I think I should try to do that in the morning more often. It always dried nicer and feels better. And it really did improve my morning. Like I still wasn't doing amazing but I was in a better head space.

James made me a really excellent breakfast. They had made drop biscuits and had gone out this morning and gotten me the shreddy hashbrowns I desired. They made me an omelet and brought the whole breakfast and a blanket outside for me so I could eat on the porch swing even if it was a little chilly. I love them so much.

They were doing their own cooking in there. Making tacos for lunch. Everything smelled nice. They didn't to have to go to work until noon so it was just nice to be existing in our space together.

I was super determined to accomplish stuff today. And I actually was feeling really good and would get so much done. I would work in the studio for a while. I got 20 bears cut out and pinned. I did a lot of pieces together of the last scraps of some fabrics. But I was really happy with the work.

I was listening to a podcast and about half way through my bears when James let me know that there was a tech issue at the museum and so they were going to go in earlier then planned. I don't really think that's their responsibility but I'm not going to argue with them. They gave me a kiss and got their bike ready to go and headed out.

I did t let that out me off track and kept cutting out bears. And once those were done I moved the pile to my desk and put things away. I brought Ruby the Roomba in the studio and blocked the doorway with a chair so she would just focus on all the fuzz I got everywhere.

While that was going on I would go upstairs to work on some organizing. I did a lot of putting things away today. In the guest rooms. In the kitchen. I put away the clean dishes and loaded the dishwasher.

I was putting away stuff in the basement when I found I did have a plastic critter keeper so I would spend some time setting up an emergency tank for Crabcake. With soil and moss. I may add a container in there for a hide for him. But it's a start. I had to soak the fiber/soil block for a while before it was usable and then was annoyed with myself when I cracked the plastic bottom of the box with my shovel tool. But it doesn't seem to be leaking or anything so it was only a minor annoyance.

I moved Crabcake outside for some sun. Sweetp was out there too. I would go upstairs and organized my jewelry box. Sorting it so only my favorite or most special things were in there. While I was sitting on the ground sorting it I leaned on my hand to stand up and picked up my missing pinky ring! It got stuck to my palm! Which is crazy because we looked all over the floor there. But I am just really glad it's back.

I would also find one of our missing battery packs too which was very exciting. It was literally just in my desk but my desk drawers always become doom piles that you can't see anything in so I'm not shocked we didn't notice it.

I would get that charging. I also checked out emergency lights which were also doing good. I may check out camping ones just for safety reasons too. But I didn't get to that today.

Instead I would go downstairs and put Ruby away to charge. While I started working on sewing.

I sewed two bears before taking a break to have an apple. I sat outside in the sun and it was really nice. I was actually feeling normal.

I did notice that I look the most pregnant that I have. Like I'm rounding out in the center. I am short so I don't think I'll get like a cute round little bump, but rather my whole torso will just be belly. But that's okay. It was neat to feel like, oh you could probably tell if you didn't know. Maybe. Maybe people still would just think Im chubby.

I did some more sewing. This time on a dress that needed a slit added to the side. It may be the dress in wearing to the wedding we are going to at the end of the month. But we'll see how it fits closer to that date. I have two backups so I'm not worried either way. But it was a fun little project. I even actually changed the bobbin thread to match and wasn't lazy for once. Though I really need to get more black thread. I am always short on that. It's my number one color thread.

I would wind my bobbin a second time because I would keep sewing. I would get through 8 bears before my legs fell asleep and I needed to go do something else. But it felt so good to get so much done.

I would come back later to add on their faces. But for now I would take a little break. Ran Ruby around the living room while I laid down. I had some soup for lunch. But my tummy would hurt so I gave up on that after half a bowl. I would finish tidying the kitchen and just laid around watching videos with sweetp. It was nice.

I brought Crabcake inside. And since Sweetp was in now, I closed the backdoor. I would go upstairs and did some more putting away. I packed my toiletries in a better bag. My old toiletry bear bag that I had felt like was taking up to much space but honestly it is such a good organizer I don't even mind that it takes up more room then I prefer. I also just made a mental note about some things I needed to replace or other things that could be packed.

I went downstairs and sat outside for a little. Noticed that our tomato plant (one of the last three plants still outside after James moved everything else in a few days ago) had a few stems fall over. So I went to move them and found the smallest tomato? This stupid plant didn't give us one tomato all summer and now in October it gives us one? It had broken off so we won't see it grow but it did make me laugh. I sent a picture to James and brought it inside.

I had a bowl of ice cream. And came upstairs to watch a video. When I finished the ice cream I went to hang one of my house shelves. There are still two I want to be hung but we can't reach where they should go so it will have to wait. But the ladder and drill and screws have been on the landing for over a week and so I just put everything away. Moved the tools to the studio for another project that will get done later. And winded myself carrying the ladder downstairs. So I had to go lay down for a while.

I would go and finish my bear faces eventually. I think they look very cute but I picked all the same sizes so they kind of all look the same. Just with some different color noses. We'll see if they look much different when they get stuffed.

I cleaned up again and came upstairs. Where I spent the next couple hours laying in bed. I would eventually go and have some microwave pizza. And made a TikTok about me and James. I actually have a tiktok blowing up right now about my new cheezer which is very funny to me. Just I spent to much time watching TikToks, and messaging with my friend Laura on there. But eventually my body was aching and I would go take an Epsom salt bath to try and make my muscles not hurt so much.

I let myself get a little freaked out by sounds. James was still gone and wouldn't be home for a while, with the evening event/program they are helping with. But I felt like I was hearing all these noises downstairs so I wasn't enjoying my bath all that much.

So I got out. And felt freezing. I put on a sweatshirt and went downstairs for a bit to sit with sweetp. But it was cold down there too so I came back up here and started working on my post.

I wish James was home. Hopefully soon. Tomorrow I have an event in the evening. I hope to finish more of my bears. And chill before work. It is a cooperate event but I worked this one as an educator last year so I am hoping it's just chill and good. Fingers crossed.

I hope you all have a good night. Sleep well. Be safe. I love you all!! Goodnight!

[ditloe]

10/365

January 10, 2023

I tested negative today! So happy to finally be free from sickness. I actually am feeling 100%. No lingering sore throat or cough or runny nose. I was really excited to see Chris today because it had been such a long time since I saw him. 

Got up fairly early today like 8:30! Didn’t get much sleep last night. I think it was from the Excedrin I took... usually I can handle the caffeine from it, but since I haven’t taken it in a while, I guess it really affected me. I also woke up to the sound of the rain and wind. It was super loud, and I couldn’t really fall back asleep for a bit. I was surprised that I woke up early after getting little to no sleep. I think I was just excited to eat kbbq and see Chris.

Chris and I ate at Gen today and felt very satisfied afterwards. We tried beef intestine because I’ve been seeing it all over Instagram. I wish it was crispier like the videos I saw, but it was just chewy. I think a crispier texture would’ve been more enjoyable to eat. It was still pretty flavorful though. After kbbq we got boba from Brian Black Tea and it was good today. Maybe because I wasn’t looking for anything super sweet today. 

We went back to Chris’s house, and he wanted to add some milk to his tea because he didn’t get a milk tea. I literally saw him pour the milk into his tea and the milk came out so chunky... but he kept pouring until I said something. He ruined his drink... poor guy. I really wanted to walk so we went for a walk around his neighborhood. The air was refreshing, and we stopped by the playground at Alta and rode the swings for a bit. It was fun trying to get super high on the swing. 

After our walk we chilled at his place and played a ton of board/card games. We started with Tangoes which is a game that involves creating a shape with the shapes that you are given. I ended up winning that game. Then we played a bit of Scrabble until it got kind of boring. We ended with Trouble which was super fun and competitive. Alyssa joined in on the game too which was even more fun. Then Chris and I rested on the couch and played 21 questions. Very difficult game especially because I suck at asking questions. But it was all really funny and entertaining. 

Chris wanted to go for a run before I left so he did that while I walked around the basketball courts. I was able to get close to 10k steps. He finished his run pretty quickly and didn’t have to rest which was good. Proud of him for doing that. 

Got home and showered up. Played some OW with Sartaj and Mikel while Mya watched. Won a couple and lost a couple, but I wasn’t super frustrated maybe because I was playing with friends. I just need two more wins to re-rank... hoping I didn’t drop too much, but also won’t be shocked if I did. 

Hoping I can sleep well tonight and have a very productive morning. Getting back into the groove of things!

Steps: 9.1k

[scoups4lyfe]

Journal Entries (3)

These are all mood journal entries (so super short / concise) of mine; where I chart my daily moods over a period of time.

These go up to when I stopped mood journaling

(which I didn't start doing again until this last month or so, why I stopped? I don't know I was hypomanic-manic from OCT 2021 up to a majority of 2022; and got caught up in life that I forgot to mood journal. That -- and a lot o the time I felt I was doing "good" and when I'm doing good I forget to journal....lol. Anyways, seeing as I was hypomanic for months on end I, uh....wasn't as 'good' as I thought I was hghgnhghngh.) )

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4] Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], {5}, [6]

ok.

Wednesday August 4th 2021 (43rd)

took meds: yes (8:45 AM) 

Mood: 8/10

Energy: 7.7/10 (8:46am) 

Woke up at 6AM 

(2:43 PM: I still feel pretty good. Mood: 8/10, energy: 7.5/10) :))

I got a lot of work done today: reading, writing, exercising, turning in a job app >:))

...

Friday August 6th 2021 (45th) (2nd) 

taken 2 meds: yes x2 (9:48 am) 

(10:30 am) m: 6.5/10  e: 6.2/10 

(1:33pm) Had 1 shot of espresso in my frapp and dawg. If Jaemin gets

three shots of espresso homie really do be on another plane of existence.

(2 pm) m: 8/10  e: 7.8/10

(5:49 pm) m: 8/10 e: 7.8/10

Did you get work done? Baby you got 8/10 of your work done. 

Overall day: Amazing. Brilliant. Fantastic. My crops are watered.

...

Tuesday Aug 10th 2021 (49th) (6th)

taken 2 meds? Yes (11:20 am) 

Broooo I couldn’t fall asleep until 5:30am last night and had to be up by 9:30am for my food sensitivity appointment. Rippppp. I feel like crap. I should’ve taken a melatonin. 

...

Saturday Aug 14th 2021 (53rd) (10th)

taken two meds? Yes (1:07pm)

M:6/10  e:6/10 

I feel nice, pretty normal, a little wired sometimes. I was somewhat productive.

....

Monday Aug 16th 2021 (55th) (12th)

took 2 meds? Yes (6:32 pm) 

I don’t really feel good so I’m gonna try and go to sleep (it’s 9:50 pm).

Last night / these last few days I’ve been having trouble sleeping :(. 

...

Thursday Aug 19th 2021 (58th) (15th)

took two meds? YES (12:20 pm) 

Broooooo I read and read and didn’t stop reading yesterday. Exactly 24 hrs or a bit more—  solidly awake. 

...

Sunday Sept 5th 2021 (74th) (31st) 

took two meds? YES.(12:35 pm) 

Mood: 2/10. Energy: —— 

No will to do anything. Didn’t want to even get out of bed. Taking my meds helped, but I still didn’t want to do anything and slept all day. 

...

Tuesday Sept 7th 2021 (76th) (33rd) 

took two meds? YES (3:49 PM) 

The no energy/mood to do anything continues.

...

Wednesday Sept 8th 2021 (77th) (34th)

took two meds? YES (7:35 PM) 

I slept mostly all day when I didn’t need to…but now I feel a lot better than I did previously? 

...

Thursday Sept 9th 2021 (78th) (35th)

took two meds? YES (9:52 pm) 

Got obsessive with reading and lost sight of reality 

...

?????

NOTE: I black-out from thursday the 9th to Saturday the 11th. I don't remember sh*t that happened at all between that time, hence the '?????' -- Which was actually written down on my phone in the mood journal (LOL)

...

Saturday Sept 11th 2021 (79th) (36th)

took two meds? YES (1:36 pm) 

Hmm I feel okay? Maybe a bit tired. 

...

Sunday Sept 12th 2021 (80th) (37th) 

took two meds? YES (2:17 pm) 

I got some work done. But I’m still not in the realm of reality, it seems.

...

Friday Sept 17th 2021 (85th) (42nd) 

took two meds? YES (5:51 pm)

Really struggling to get work done, but I at least did a little bit today. (Seeing as I haven’t done sh*t in like 10 days :///) 

...

Saturday Sept 18th 2021 (86th) (43rd)

took two meds? YES (5:51pm) 

Got a shit ton of work done both with writing and I did all of my laundry!!

...

Tuesday Sept 21st 2021 (88th) (45th)

took two meds? YES 

(Basically skipped Monday cause I slept through Monday …) 

...

Monday: Oct 18th 2021 (115) (72)

took two meds? YES (12 pm) 

For the last two weeks I’ve slept only 4 hours each night. Sometimes less. But I’m not tired? 

...

Monday Oct 25th 2021 (122) (79)

took two meds? Yes (11:46 am) 

I slept perhaps 2 hrs last night (9am to 11:30 am) but God is with me and I feel good and awake. So praise God. Thank you Lord, Amen. <333

Mood: 7.5/10. Energy:7.5/10 

[End of Mood Journal Entries]

NOTE: Moving forward the rest of the entries are from my journal and then my online journal -- the mood journaling only continues around OCT and NOV of 2022

[Prev] [Next]

[dzpenumbra]

7/8/23

Today's been a tough day. I'm pretty cranky. The upstairs neighbor's boyfriend was back over, so there was a ton of creaking and thumping all day. The box fan mostly drowns it out, but waking up to those thumps really sends me into survival mode. I hate waking up feeling like a door slammed right next to my head, that adrenaline jolt and all that.

It was storming all day, I woke up after 3 hours of sleep to close the downstairs window and get some water. I got more sleep and then was woken up by the thumps and needed to calm myself down because my whole body was screaming "danger". I decided to do some research on karma, rather than open a social media app. Oh shit, actually that's not true, here's what happened. I opened this, Tumblr, on my art account that has nothing on it. And I searched for "zen" hoping to find... art related to it, so I could find people to follow and start building my account. And I found a few very insightful blogs that helped me calm down and reminded me of some important things in life. But it reminded me of what I was writing in here last night about... intentions... and the whole ahimsa thing and how that relates to intentions. And that brought me over to doing more deep-diving on karma.

And it turns out that intentions play a very big role in things traditionally. Predestination/fate/all that aside. The vibe that I got is that your intentions and your actions are more important than the result... and that in many schools karma is much more of an ethical thing than a causal thing. It is causal, but the big difference that separates it from simple cause-and-effect is your intention, which was the thing I was really unsure of. That being... because intentions are never truly seen, and are really a leap of faith to believe. And, tying it all together... Justice (divine justice, in reference to Justice from the tarot) is about all of this, the defining trait of Justice is that she can see your deeds and your true intentions. And I guess my big issue and why I am still haunted by encounters with Justice is... I lack faith. I have had good intentions through so many horrible situations, I have had so many people I've trusted as family betray me, so many situations where I've gone in with the best intentions and watched it all burn down. And I struggle to keep faith that divine justice is an actual thing. That I will be met with good and love and generosity and kindness, not just more selfishness and deceit and exploitation. It's hard.

And I guess it's not fair to put the sins of some onto others who I haven't even met yet. And maybe I don't even really feel that way, I'm just... reflexively trying to keep myself safe from potential (perceived as "likely") threats. I don't know.

I have no intentions of discontinuing my path of being a good person, and leading with love. I just... I struggle to have faith in the rest of the world. I often feel like... being a good, loving, honest, kind person... and working hard on something soulful, built with passion and integrity... it's either... not enough... or it's unwanted. And, more often than not... it can make you a target.

Maybe this is just residual from being around fucking Twitch again. Honestly, it probably is. I think I'm just spending too much time around people with toxic attitudes, constantly trying to one-up each other and shit like that.

I was going to stream tonight. I was late to it, but I was set up with the cam and everything. I was going to just stream me sorting gravel and listening to a youtube lecture on the evolution of ancient spirituality. And I chickened out. I decided it was already past midnight, it was too late anyway, and I just watched a stream instead. I got a lot of sorting done, but yeah.

So... I also skipped my workout today because I was really tired from fucked up sleep. I did a bigger and more intense yoga routine to compensate for that and called it a rest day. And I went to start stringing my new necklace... and found that it was way too short to be a necklace without some kind of spacing between the beads. I was tempted to use my small black obsidian beads that I had left over as filler beads in between... but I don't have enough. I tried to tie knots between but the knots are too small and the beads just slide over them... so I'm going to have to figure out... either bigger knots... or I'm going to have to make a new batch of beads to separate them. I guess maybe that kinda upset me a bit. I was really excited about that piece, the beads came out so good... and now it's just falling flat. I was even going to seal the beads in a jar with a small sample of cinnamon to kinda... infuse that smell in them, since they all kinda look like apples and I have cinnamon on-hand. It seemed like an appropriate scent combo, more-so than robbers. Robbers just makes me think of Christmas.

So... the necklace fell flat. I tried doing a little research on gaits and kinesiology and all that, to follow up on that new animation/visualizer idea, it was interesting and useful, but I just wasn't locked in on it today. I was just kinda drained and bummed out. Depressed, I guess. Crap weather, still hot, bad sleep, project snags, it was just not a great day. And my granola? It wasn't crunchy, it was kinda... chewy and wet. I don't know if I didn't cook it enough or what. And I couldn't taste the freeze dried strawberries at all. But other than that, it was good. I threw it in the fridge for a few hours, I'm hoping that helps it consolidate. I don't know if that will make it get crunchy... but yeah. Again, it's not bad, it's just not as great as I was expecting. But I have some frozen real strawberries I can mix with it tomorrow, maybe that will make it shine?

Here's the coup-de-grace for the day. It was about 3AM and I was still watching the stream and sorting stones at my desk. And I heard this loud thump. And I reflexively was like... "man, fuck my neighbors" because I'd been hearing loud shit coming from the building at all hours for the past few days and all night. Like my upstairs neighbors were watching a movie so loud that it upset the dog in the apartment next to mine, that isn't even below their unit! I just get so... "try to look past it, try to see the good in it"... that I never say anything about this stuff.

Anyway, that loud thump? It was one of the wooden blades from my ceiling fan snapping off and slamming to the apartment floor 15' below. It landed about 2.5' to my left. I had just shaved my head today too, so it would've been the absolute least resistance for impact. Just BOP right to the noggin. So... I guess it's a good thing I have that box fan, because I'm going to be using that as a primary fan now.

I've had that ceiling fan running non-stop since... probably December? Maybe January? I did research on it before I made that call and people said it was fine. I kept it on low exclusively, and I kept it running mainly to keep air circulation for the plants. And I really do think it helped. On that super hot day the other day? I cranked it up to High before bed, then back to low in the "morning". Before yoga today, I put it up a notch to Medium again. About half an hour before the blade fell off, I heard the whole thing wobbling and immediately reached over and turned it down to Low, not realizing I had left it on a higher setting for most of the night. Not really realizing it was that big of a deal...

So... I sent my building manager an email at 4AM letting her know that it happened. And I gave her my available hours - after 3pm, I tried to be generous, I just can't have that dude showing up at noon, that's just going to completely fuck up my entire week. I'll see if she even gets back to me before Monday, I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't. And honestly, I don't really feel like this constitutes an "emergency" maintenance call? So yeah, I don't mind waiting.

I just... I've been in a shitty mood because of it. Here's the fucked up part, here's how deep my guilt complex is. I'm not upset because the stupid fan is old as shit and fell apart and almost bashed me in the skull. I'm not shaken that I came pretty close to suffering what would likely have been a significant head injury. I'm not upset that it could've easily smashed my drawing tablet or my monitor. Ready for it? I've gotten this a lot before. I'm afraid that this is my fault. That I should've known better. That I somehow fucked this up and I'm the asshole and I broke something of theirs. And me being upset at them? Or upset at the situation? In the future, I would be looking back at that upset with egg on my face. It's so damn reflexive. It's just... "oh, how did I fuck this up, what did I do?"

And yeah, I mean... it's kinda my fault. I've had that fan running for 6 months straight. I've noticed it wobbling before. But like... I've never had a ceiling fan before. I don't know anything about it. Is it supposed to wobble at all? Was the stuff I read before I made the decision to keep the fan running 24/7... all bullshit? From multiple sources?

I guess it's a guilt and shame thing. In the past, I've straight up hidden stuff from my prior landlords. I made major life sacrifices (that I'm not going to get into here right now for the sake of saving time) and got to the point where my mom insisted on paying to replace utilities that I outright refused to tell my landlords were damaged. Not from use, not from misuse, but from disuse. From me not living in the house for 6 months while I detoxed off mood stabilizers and benzodiazepines in a residential retreat. I did not tell my landlords out of shame. And guilt. Because I really did not want to explain the reasoning to them. But, more so... I really didn't want to upset or disappoint or anger them. I was terrified. They controlled whether I had a roof over my head, whether my cat and dog had a roof over their heads. So yeah, it really started to strike on all the survival nerves.

I felt that again today. It completely overpowered my close call with physical injury, to the point where it didn't even register that the blade actually landed quite close to me until I just tried to eyeball the measurements a few paragraphs ago. All I felt was "oh shit, I have to talk to my landlord." Like a scared child going, "crap, I'm going to have to tell mom". And it got in deep, it paralyzed me for a few minutes honestly. I pulled up my building's portal website and got an email open and just... froze up staring at it. But I got through it, and I wrote it. I knew that I would have to do it right then and there. That the self-doubt and guilt and all these self-protective (also self-abusive) emotions would just grow and grow given time to feed. So I said "fuck what anyone thinks about an email timestamped at 4:15 AM" and I sent it anyway. And that, that is progress. I did that with no meds, no therapist on deck, no one to talk to, no one to run my email by to make sure I don't "fuck it up somehow". I wrote the email, I proofread it, I tweaked a sentence, it looked good, and then I sent it and went off to play Hades again to cool down. <gives self standing ovation>

That may seem like business as usual for some, but with the burdens I carry... doing that is literally a battle against my own nervous system. But... in a weird way? It wasn't battling that won.

I read something in that Tumblr scroll this morning. A few things, I'm sure. But a theme. The idea of peace and stillness being... the default state. I remember now, it was a Buddha quote. I'm going to absolutely mangle it, but it is definitely the core of what my therapist has been offering to me which has been helpful. And I distinctly remember pointing out when he presented it, "that's awful Buddhist of you..." XD Turns out it was like... a direct Buddha quote.

It was that thing about the stream of thoughts, your mind being like water, like a river. And thoughts and emotions, they run through it. They are not you. I mean... they are you... technically... I mean, they're part of you, they occur within you... do your thoughts come from you? Who knows. But... there's this mental place that I reach very distinctly when I smoke weed but often reach when I'm sober as well... isolation is actually a great place to come in contact with this... where you start seeing a very clear difference between you and your thoughts. That you (the Listener) are the one experiencing, listening, engaging. And your thoughts and emotions are sorta popping in and out. And for me, it's fucking constant, like a boiling pot. Buddha related this to a river, that thoughts and emotions are like water. My therapist called thoughts "leaves on a river". So... similar concepts all around.

The theme under all of this was... that peace is the default state. That peace and stillness is a general state of being that is experienced underneath... I don't know if that's the right word... maybe I should phrase it as... can be experienced at the same time as emotions and thoughts. Because those emotions and thoughts are just sorta... happening to you. I still struggle to really process it because I've been really stuck in this... "singular me" kinda mental place. Like... I am my thoughts, I am the experiencer, I am my body... all at the same time. And I guess that's kinda the trap, isn't it? Because... if you truly believe that you are singular. That you can only do one thing at a time... then how can you think a thought and also reject that thought at the same time? I mean... the simple core concept of having a subconscious or instincts (which I don't know a single fucking person who disputes) and having those as... a parallel self... that is also you... that is existing simultaneously to you... I mean, when you really look at what that concept is saying... it's saying being human... having the duality between conscious/subconscious is innately plural.

So... given that... and really just taking a beat and going. "Okay, I am... plural. I am multiple "minds" experiencing reality simultaneously." Whatever phrasing you need to get that concept to be palatable to you... It opens this door where... you have choice in how you choose to interact with your other self(selves). And the whole idea of meditation is to kinda... remind you that you can just... be, you can just exist. You do not need to engage every thought or emotion. You just observe, acknowledge, and then return to your focal point.

And that always felt to me like... denial, in a way. Like rejecting the self, rejecting thoughts and feelings. Suppressing, even. But I'm starting to think it's just... training. To train you to be able to resist the temptation of thoughts and impulses and the immersion of emotions, to be able to willfully peacefully detach from them. And the end goal, after lots and lots of training... is to be able to experience those emotions and thoughts from a place of peace. To experience everything from a place of knowing and truly believing that it is a part of life that simply... is. And to acknowledge, and to experience, but not to be... blinded... or get stuck.

And I get stuck a lot.

I get a little insecure writing about stuff like this. I don't like the idea of coming across like I've "got it all figured out". I'm exploring, and I'm exploring in isolation. I am not being taught or guided. So, I may be meandering and exploring and speculating. I'm okay with that. That's a huge part of learning. I just wanted to disclose that outwardly.

I'm getting better about self-awareness, and mindfulness, and honesty with the self and others... but this whole weed thing specifically really brings back this idea that like... okay... maybe it's better if I show than tell. If I start freaking out, why don't I just... change the channel? Why don't I just dismiss the thought as being a flashback or substance-induced paranoia? I swear, every time I run through an example script in my head on this... it just comes back to "that's avoidance" or "you're just suppressing your own fears"; it feels either unhealthy or impossible. I guess I still have a lot of work to do on this.

This is heavy stuff. But the idea that peace is a state that is always with us, it's the resting state, it's always there and you just need to go... "okay, I'm experiencing anxiety right now... but I am also observing that. And my observing self has the steering wheel right now... so... I acknowledge that emotion and the danger it's attempting to signal, and I'm going to respectfully ask it to go away." I want to be able to treat it like the timer on my phone going off, and learn how to just go "yep, I gotcha, thank you" and hit the "X" and have it leave me alone. In a self-loving way, not a "goddammit, I'm freaking out again and this sucks" or a "fuck off" kinda way.

Anywho, I've been rambling for way too long. I just found that stuff really insightful and I'm excited to engage with it further. But for now, I need to get to bed.

[prettyboykatsuki]

»» — {♡} —— { ♡ } —— {♡} — ««

comforting sleep deprived s/o | bnha

➳ incld  ;; bakugo and kirishima 

➳ warnings ;; none, just fluff, pro-hero!au 

➳ wc ;; 1.8k overall. 

➳ a/n ;; i haven’t slept properly in days. running on empty so this is how im coping. i love them. 

»» — {♡} —— { ♡ } —— {♡} — ««

i. bakugo katsuki 

- doesn’t like napping cause he insists on keeping his sleep schedule tight. not that you can really get mad at him over that - hero work is busy and he doesn’t like being tired cause it makes him more aggravated than usual. 

- so he avoids naps almost at all costs and rarely gets tired. his sleep schedule is really, really good. 

- not so much the same for you though. 

- bakugo accepted pretty early on that you were something of a night-owl. bad sleep anxiety and just generally having too much energy at night made it so that he rarely ever saw you go to bed. you were at least lagging a few hours behind him like. at all times. 

- he didn’t really mind at first, but at some point he realized just how little sleep you actually got. one time he woke up at 7am, surprised to see you also awake - only to find out you hadn’t slept the entire night. 

- he was pissed. after almost blowing up your kitchen, he sighed and basically told you that if you need helping sleeping to just “fucking ask him” or else. 

- needless to say, it didn’t get that much better. you two compromised by setting a time that you had to be in bed by, even if you weren’t asleep. whenever bakugo has time, he’s always trying to get you to rest but sometimes his schedule doesn’t really allow him to check up on you how he likes. 

- he’s coming home from a long mission. not super tired but just tedious work. he just wanted to relax. it was late, 3:37am on the clock when he finally walks in. 

- to his surprise - there’s a light on in the kitchen. when he walks in, very confused, he sees you sliding cookies off of a sheetpan into a little plastic tupperware. he stops. he stares. 

- why the hell were you baking at three in the fucking morning 

- “what the fuck are you doing awake?”

- you jump back with a hand over your chest, barely catching your breath. you blink a few times before sighing. 

- “baking. i didn’t think you’d be home so soon” 

- he hears it before he sees it. your voice is absolutely tattered - he can literally hear how exhausted you are. he pumps the breaks, walking towards you swiftly before staring down at you hard. 

- “when was the last time you slept,” 

- you press your lips into a tight smile, and he sees the dark purple under your eyes. he feel his heart hurt a little. his hands come up to your face as he brushes his thumb every so slightly against your lashes. 

- “it’s uh.. hard to sleep without you. more than usual, you know” 

- “Y/N” 

- “i don’t know. maybe two or three days ago properly? i mean i got some sleep in between but -,” 

- he stops you before you can start. he shuts the cookie container and leaves the tray in the sink before grabbing your hand a little forcefully and tugs you to the bathroom - lifting you up onto the counter. you know to stay put. 

- when he comes back it’s with a fresh change of clothes for the both of you. you blink at him owlishly as he strips himself off of his clothes - grateful he took time to shower at the agency. 

- he takes his shirt off and then takes yours off too, before pulling you right towards him. your arms instantly are around his neck, the warmth of his body pressed against your figure with his chin tucked over your shoulder. 

- and god - he’s so comforting you kind of want to cry. he smells like clean soap and deodorant and a little like smoke. feeling his skin against yours makes you feel instant relief. just hugging in the bathroom has you falling half asleep. you were just so tired. 

- when he pulls back, his whole face looks so damn worried it makes you want to cry. you put your own hands on his face and cheek, brushing your thumb on his cheek bone as he rests his forehead on yours. 

- “dumbasss. i can leave something with you if it’s that bad - fuck, you could’ve called me, you know?” 

- and you sigh and smile and kiss him a bit before pulling away again. man, you’re tired. you’re so, so tired. 

- “yeah.. i know,” 

- he helps you get undressed and freshened up, even rubs your facewash into your skin and rubs all your skincare in before hauling you off the bed. he turns the lights dim and just holds you, rubbing circles into your back as he holds you right to his chest. 

- “go to fucking sleep,” “love you katsuki” “..love you too” 

- he doesn’t sleep until you do, and wakes up the next morning to call in sick for you while you sleep against his chest. he should probably wake up but.. sleeping a bit longer won’t kill him. 

{♡} —— { ♡ } —— {♡}

ii. kirishima eijirou 

- kirishima likes to wake up pretty early so he can workout and do his cardio at the start of his day and his weightlifting later on. sleeping well is important to him cause his workout routine is super unforgiving if he’s not resting properly on rest days and the like. building muscles absolutely requires sleep! 

- that being said - he doesn’t mind not sleeping early if he has something to do. drinking especially normally keeps him up on weekends. overall, it was good but he doesn’t limit himself. 

- overall, it’s not something he paid a ton of attention too. life is all about balance so kiri goes with the flow. his rule of thumb is trying to get at least 8 hours a night tho. 

- but because kirishima is so go with the flow - it took him a long time to figure out that you were a night owl and something of an insomniac. he assumed that when he wished you goodnight everday, you fell asleep around the same time as him. 

- but one drunken even, he finds himself stumbling to your apartment. knocking on your and barely standing upright - he immediately is planning on apologizing for disturbing your sleep. 

- but then you.. open the door and you’re literally wide awake. you look tired but you’re clearly not sleepy. kirishima, once gain, blasted - pushes the thoughts to the back of his mind and grins toothily. he’s just excited to see you at that point and forgets about the whole ordeal until a few weeks later. 

- he ends up texting you about it a couple weeks later, assuming it’d be a once off thing that you’d explain to him. 

- ... is upset and shocked to learn that you rarely, if ever fall asleep before two am like on a good day. poor man is in shock for the rest of the day and proceeds to ask you about why you have a hard time to sleeping to try and see what he can do. 

- he wants to help but you just keep brushing it off and it honestly made him so upset he didn’t know what to do with himself. he couldn’t sleep a wink that night because the whole thing is bothering him so damn much. 

- what really sets him off is when he finally has a chance to see you after a few weeks. you were busy with uni and didn’t really have a ton of time to see him so the two of you couldn’t see each other properly for a few weeks. 

- he’s elated to see you. he’s missed his baby so much and he’s pulling all the stops out when he’s getting dressed. jeans cuffed, his best cologne, fresh shaved, brand new sneakers. he really wants to impress. 

- he’s wrapping you up into the tightest hug when he see’s you. your dressed comfortably but he still thinks you look so beautiful and he’s complimenting you, giving you kisses and overall just doting on you. he wraps your hand in his yours and just talks. 

- in fact, he’s so excited to see you, he doesn’t notice how..deflated you are. not at first anyways. 

- but as the date goes on, it becomes more and more obvious you don’t share his enthusiasm in the same way. 

- sure, he’s talkative but you haven’t said a word about how your week has been. all of his jokes have been met with mere huffs and forced chuckles and your eyes seem really distant. 

- it hits him all at once at the end of your date when you just seem so... out of it. he’s about to take you somewhere else but you stopped listening a while ago. kirishima stops dead in his tracks and holds your hand nervously, calling you a few times to get your attention. 

- “Y/N.. are you mad at me? is something wrong?” 

- your eyes go wide, flailing your hands to reassure him. you knew you were acting strange but to see kirishima this upset makes you feel awful. 

- “oh kiri - god no, it’s not you. sorry for being so.. distant - it’s not you,” 

- “well then.. what’s wrong?” 

- kirishima feels his heart get pierced when he sees you laugh. you look... so exhausted. your eyes are so heavy and the makeup on your skin is only barely concealing your dark circles. why did it take him so long to notice? 

- before he can even reply, he remembers that little tidbit about your sleep schedule. his heart so genuinely aches. 

- “Y/N.. when was the last time you got any proper sleep?” 

- you flinch, visibly at the question. with an awkward laugh you inform him that it had been at least a week since you’ve had the time to actually sleep. 

- “why didn’t you sleep today? on your day off?” 

- “i uhm.. wanted to see you. i know you had a date planned and i was excited to see you. sorry for.. ruining your plans” 

- he’s devastated by how cute you are. hugs you so damn tight. 

- “baby, you can see me whenever. im happy being with you even if all we’re doing is napping together” 

- when you mumble a soft “oh” in his chest, he can’t help but melt into a sigh. before you can protest, he’s dragging you back to his car and driving you home ignores your protests and buckles you, covering you with his jacket before kissing the crown of your head and telling you to sleep on the way back to his place. 

- he watches you like a hawk the whole time until he arrives at his place. he wakes you up and carries you on his back until he gets inside. all he does is kick his shoes off before pulling the full weight of you down on his body, kissing your whole face. 

- “sleep well baby. ill wake you up in a few” 

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