#to this day I get anxiety dreams of being stuck in that apartment again

[ashton-slashton]

When my partner and I lived in the student apartments here (not students, but it was the only thing we could afford at the time), we were essentially forced into an upstairs apartment. The AC was incredibly unreliable, and some of these places straight up have policies against window units (as though we could afford 3 of them for the living room and bedrooms).

So, no reliable AC, in TEXAS... it often got to be around 90° indoors (that's about 32°C for my European followers). It would be so hot that we were constantly sick, on top of many other issues with the building like carbon monoxide leaks and mold. We were paying over $1,100 a month for a 314sqft apartment that usually had no AC.

So, you know, if someone needs some firsthand context of how absolutely horrible it is to live in a situation in which the people in charge of your housing decide to cut corners without thinking of how this affects the residents.

lrb one of the luxuries people love to get up in arms about is air conditioning and it's such a good example of how selectively these conversations get framed. part of the reason so many people need AC is because building housing cheap, at scale, for profit so often means building with shitty materials and pre-fab / one-style-fits-all design, and consequently, many people's housing gets little to no protection from the heat without the AC. there are ways to build that are much more energy efficient and heat protective, but the US model is to instead cut corners building luxury units, which yields a built environment dependent on expensive and energy-intensive technologies like AC. similar goes for the dependence on cars. these things are still luxuries, despite them being necessary for a lot of people; the fact that they've become necessary is itself already a result of the immense accumulated imperial wealth of the US and how capitalist expansion affects urban development, infrastructure, etc. when a luxury becomes a necessity that probably doesn't mean you're suffering uniquely or extra; it means the standard of living you've come to expect or need was always and only made possible by the massive wealth you have & exist around already

[crazilust]

questions i wanna ask the signs <3

these are just silly little questions. choose according to the placement/sign you relate to the most.

aries :

1. are you tired of getting misunderstood?

2. were you able to find your tribe or do you still feel out of touch with your present relationships?

3. did you get out of that toxic relationship? mentally, too?

taurus

do you feel like you’re dealing with your money in a good way? do you feel responsible with it? …. be honestl pls lmao

have you been isolating a lot these past few days?

did you reconnect with that one person that hurt you? or did you move on and burn the bridges?

gemini

1. do you have a crush on someone right now? do they feel different than your (multiple) past crushes? how so?

2. have you been dealing with your anxiety? your insomnia?

3. how’s your self esteem? getting better?

cancer

1. do you still feel lost in life? or you’re getting a little bit more guidance?

2. are you still in your villain era ? or you’ve come to peace with the fact that you making mistakes doesn’t make you the bad guy lol

3. how are you..? truly.

leo

1. if you’d stop reminiscing about past failures, what would your heart tell you?

2. do you feel proud of yourself?

3. do you feel well surrounded? do you feel like the people around you care ? if yes, are you able to listen to their constructive criticism without getting immediately offended?

virgo

1. do you still feel like a failure despite your achievements?

2. how’s your friendships? after helping everyone, do some people care about you? or you’re being walked over all again?

3. how’s.. erhm.. love? yea, maybe let’s skip this one.

libra

1. are you able to being truly yourself?

2. do you feel like you truly live up to your potential and ambition?

3. are you truly as good as you seem to be ? or is it a facade?

scorpio

1. are your proud of your achievements? can you see how much you’ve achieved or are you stuck judging yourself for how intense you come off?

2. did you move on from your ex lolololol

3. have you done that one thing you truly wanted to do?

sagittarius

1. are you able to accept yourself for who you are or are you still stuck in that same loop of clowing around?

2. have you chosen on what to channel all of your energy instead of hopping around and never comitting to anything?

3. did you get try tapping into your creative side?

capricorn

1. will you ever forgive your past self?

2. are you excited for the future?

3. do you miss the people you’ve went “no contact” on? or is it better for your mental health, maybe, to keep them apart?

aquarius

1. do you still feel as lonely?

2. are you one step closer to achieving your goals and dreams?

3. have you decided on them, even?

pisces

1. have you move on from your ex…..?

2. have you been able to move on from your past, then?

3. how’s your hobbies going!!

If you have taken the time to answer to even just one of these, thank you so much.

-Dolly

[littledollll]

Missed opportunity

Morpheus x human!reader

A/n: I have that line-

“And you never knew, how much I really liked you, ‘cause I never even told you. Oh and I meant to.” Back to the Old House, The smiths.

Stuck in my head so fuck it, let’s write.

(March 29)

A/n pt.2: guys I actually wrote something for the first time in like a month yesterday and I’m excited, I have started 3 requests started and I think ill actually get them done in at least a week, wish me luck :P

Warnings: Angst!, this takes place before during and after Morpheus’ imprisonment. Reader questions their sanity, unrequited love but not actually, both R and M are idiots in love. R dies:0.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Dream of the endless having friends was rare, them being human even more so. But somehow you managed to befriend him, from the second he stumbled across one of your dreams he was drawn to you.

He sought you out in the waking world, and you were every bit as captivating as he thought you to be and something about you just kept him coming back to you.

Your friendship flourished rather quickly, much to basically everyone’s surprise. Morpheus knew you to be kindhearted and friendly, beyond beautiful and energetic. Just being in your presence was enough to cure any sour mood of his. You became a constant in his life, part of his routine included visiting you for at least a few hours.

It was a scary feeling, to know you’re falling for someone, to not know how they feel about you. Realistically Morpheus could open one of the many books on your life and dreams and simply find the answers he was looking for but that’s not something he wanted. He wanted to learn about you as you revealed yourself to him, to know you person to person, just like any other human.

He felt completed by your very existence, but even the anthropomorphic personification of dreams was riddled by a very human thing, anxiety, overthinking. He wouldn’t risk losing your lovely smile, your charming personality, all for romanticism.

Years and years passed but he never told you. He was with you through new relationships and break ups, he helped you move in to your new apartment, he was with you when you ran into the stray cat you named Star and adopted into your home. Morpheus was a great friend, your best friend.

He wasn’t aware you felt them same for him, or that fear of losing his companionship was also the thing holding you back. In his mind you saw him as a very good friend, and that was it.

In your mind somebody as ethereal as him couldn’t possibly be interested in you. So you settled for his friendship, you both did.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

After so many years of constant visits, Morpheus missing one day seemed like the end of the world. You had no way of contacting him, you never questioned how he just seemed to show up and join you, why would you when you were busy fawning over his dreamy eyes, oh the way they showed every emotion despite his cold exterior, you’d catch it if you just paid enough attention.

Days turned into weeks without sight or word from him. There was nothing or no one that could comfort you about this. It was him. He was your person and suddenly he was gone. Did you do something wrong to somehow push him away? Did you somehow imagine him?

You never got an answer. For the rest of your days you stayed convinced that it was all some sort of dream, or an illusion made up by your lonely mind, one that craved all that attention and well- love. Maybe he was a victim of that new Sleepy sickness, after all he disappeared around the same time it started, but then again, you had no way of knowing.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

One hundred years. Of complete solitude, of weakness and vulnerability, of pain as grief, so much grief.

In the beginning Morpheus had hope, he had Jessamine who would occasionally be seen and attempt to help him out of this glass bubble. He had the hope of getting to see you some day soon. That he’d somehow make it out of here and everything would be as he left it, that hope was torn away bit by bit as the years passed.

He had no way of keeping track, truly he made no attempt to tell the day or time, he knew when night would come and a year would pass, and the years kept coming and coming, painfully slow and too fast all at the same time.

There was only one day that stood out to him, one that felt different from all the rest. This sudden ache in his heart, Despair coming to visit their dear bother once again as Death visited you. And that was it, the last bit of hope.

Making it out of that place proved to be a chore, not only was Morpheus physically weakened, emotionally too. He had duties though. A realm to rebuild and take care of, items to collect and people to meet with.

Distracted by all else it was only when Death approached Dream that he stopped to actually think about you. But he didn’t ask anything, Death knew her brother enough not to need his words.

“They lived a fulfilling life and died of old age. Star grew old with them as well.” A nod. “They say that she’s the only proof they had you existed at all. After you disappeared they were convinced you were fake, a product of loneliness or some weird illness.”

“They’ll never know.” There was no need for further explanations, was there something Death didn’t know anyways? “They knew. I wish you would have seen the relief on their face once we met. Like it answered every question they ever had. Forget how you loved them and how you showed it, they felt loved, I think that’s more than enough.”

[specialinterestshows]

Me: - says I’m likely going to take a break from writing this Rhea Ripley x lady!reader fic -

Also me: - has already written more of this fic -

Warnings for this section: Pining/angst, jealousy, cannabis (weed), dirty talk

-

Absolute Smokeshow (Part 10/?): Eat, Sleep, Breathe

Days passed slowly when you paid attention and blurred together quickly when you didn’t. Despite the messages sent back and forth daily between you and Rhea, it was nothing like being in the same space with her. When sleep evaded you, the vest she left you was still heavy with her perfume and the fragrance calmed you. The cool leather and spikes were something you would fidget with until you fell asleep, hoping you might see her in your dreams. Almost every day you woke up to a picture she’d send you of herself - usually smiling or with her tongue out - during her morning exercises. Though she had joked about sending nudes before leaving, you hadn’t received any. No doubt she was busy training and taking care of important Judgement Day business.

On Mondays (and sometimes Tuesdays) you would turn on the TV to watch Rhea defend her title or support her teammates. However, seeing her with Dominik Mysterio - her arms around him, the looks they gave each other, the whispers they exchanged - it tore you apart. If they were still having issues in their relationship, they never showed it on camera.

Some of your friends had noticed you were less present these days and tried to visit or have you over more. Even though everyone was curious about what was going on, you only found yourself confiding in one of your closer friends - someone who had been in the group you’d gone to the bar with.

Even then, you’d only ended up telling them because they were so genuinely worried, they wouldn’t leave you alone. You were grateful for that, though it may not have seemed like it at the time.

“I’m not going back to the bar,” you’d snapped at them, “It’s just going to make me feel worse.”

“Look, I know you’re having a rough time,” they spoke gently, but evenly, “and I’m sorry if I’m making it more difficult, but you’re important to me and there’s clearly something going on. Don’t you think talking about it might help? I’m here to give you support, not judgement.”

The last word hit you and you did your best not to start sobbing then and there. Eyes pointed at the ceiling to keep tears from falling, your sinuses give a familiar burning ache as you try to compose yourself.

“I, um… may have let myself get really close to… the woman I met that night,” your voice trembles.

“Rhea Ripley?” your friend immediately gets a fiery look in their eye, “What did she do? Did she hurt you? I don’t care if she is a wrestler, I will-“ the tears were already rolling down your face, but it wasn’t until you’d let out a sob that your friend realized you needed a hug before saying more.

Crying into their shirt, you realized for the first time how much this was affecting you. After you pull away, your friend gets to work making sure you have tissues, water, and your bong. More tears cascaded down your face as you held the cool blown glass. No wonder you couldn’t stop thinking about her; most things in your apartment were a reminder of the two days you’d spent together. Even your favorite food truck now held the memory of her, in your sunglasses, calming your anxiety in the face of an unexpected run-in with your ex.

“She didn’t hurt me,” you finally manage after taking a long, drawn-out hit, “Rhea. I just… miss her so much. We text, but it’s not the same. Her boyfriend goes everywhere with her and I’m just… stuck here. I’m not sure how much I mean to her, or if I’ll even see her again.”

Passing the bong to your friend, you shared a silence as they moved around the burnt bits of green in the bowl.

“You know,” they said, pausing to light the bowl and inhale, “you could always ask her” - they pull the bowl and clear the piece, speaking in a more strained voice as they tried to hold as much of the smoke as possible while still talking - “Just go “hey, when are you going to be in town next?” or something” - a large exhale creates a cloud around the two of you, waves of smoke hanging in the air until they’re only visible under lamplight - “Who knows, maybe you can go meet her somewhere.”

Taking the bong being handed back to you, you take a moment to consider how such a message might sound. It’s difficult not to overthink something with so many emotions involved.

“I’m worried that might sound… desperate,” you say, tracing invisible shapes along the piece in your hands. Your friend shrugs, responding, “Then maybe focus on your own stuff for a bit. She’s busy, maybe you could stay busy for a bit” - then, louder - “Oh man, do you still have those chips from last time I was here?”

So you had taken their second bit of advice and tried to stay busy, still messaging Rhea between seeing friends, working, and trying to take comfort in your hobbies. Much of what you did was distracting, in the moment, but nights still left you thinking of the last woman you’d shared your bed with.

It was over two months since you’d last seen her at this point. You wanted to personally resurrect and punch whoever had first said “it gets better with time.” Then, you wanted to ride off into the sunset with Rhea. On Rhea? Either would do.

The situation was frustrating, but so was having an amazing night with a woman and then going two months without sex. Initially, you’d laid down on the bed this evening to get yourself off, but it was proving to be difficult. Looking over at your phone, you decide that if you can’t enjoy yourself, someone should.

Sliding out of the rest of your clothes, you take a moment to mess with the lighting in the room. Looking at yourself in your phone camera, you adjust your hair and quickly gloss your lips before reclining on your bed. Running into the battle vest Rhea left you, you decide it’s the only article of clothing you’re going to wear for the photo - but it wouldn’t cover much of anything.

It takes several angles and poses, but you finally manage to take a picture that you’re sure would get a quick response. Double-checking the recipient, you pause for a moment before hitting send. Closing your phone, you set it face-down and change into pajamas before washing the lipgloss and remnants of the day from your face.

Upon entering your room, the first thing you do is check your phone. A smile spreads across your face as you read Rhea’s response:

“Keep tempting me like that and Mami’s going to have to come get another taste of her good girl VERY soon”

[end part ten of ?]

Part 11: https://www.tumblr.com/specialinterestshows/724314822103138304/absolute-smokeshow-part-11-of-carry-on

-

Tag List (thank you!)

@cherryberryshine , @littlemiss-fanficlover , @elisewithak

[ailar023]

The tiny spider boy

Chapter 5:

After almost 1 hour of travel, they finally arrive at the station near where Peter lives, the subway had been getting crowded between stations, the good thing is that he had found a seat that he occupied during the entire trip with Miles asleep in her hand, she hoped to keep her hand steady so she wouldn't wake him when she got out of the crowd.

The doors open and Peter steps out, dodging the crowd outside waiting to get in, cranking the crank and reaching the escalator, making the climb to the outside more uneventful.

Now in Queens, the sun is higher showing a city full of life, the cars passing through the streets and the tumult of people coming and going, Peter lives about 20 blocks from there, so he began to walk mingling among the crowd.

Miles was in a deep sleep, without worries, he feels as if he is lying in a warm hammock that is gently swaying, when suddenly he begins to hear sounds in the distance, they were confusing sounds, he could not distinguish it between his dreams and little by little he They were getting closer and closer.

To try to muffle those sounds, Miles makes a futile attempt to cover his ears, but fails, his body feels heavy and tired as he listens as the distorted sounds get closer and closer until it begins to take shape, then heavily, those sounds startle her from sleep and she finally opens her eyes, although her eyelids feel heavy.

Once his vision is clear, Miles is paralyzed for a few seconds, not daring to breathe with his mind still half dazed from sleep when he sees that he was on one hand and a cave of fabric surrounded him.

-How…how did it end up there?- He asked himself as he tries to remember, but the sound outside does not help, his head was a whirlwind of chaos, his anxiety grows and panic takes over, he instinctively jumps from the half-open hand and climbs from the sleeve to where there is light, his senses They yell “RUN AWAY”

Peter was already arriving at his apartment, suddenly he feels the child leave his palm and quickly climb up his sleeve towards the pocket exit, catching him completely off guard.

-WHAT THE….???!!!!-

He tries to catch it before it comes out and falls, but it's too fast. Miles goes out through the sleeve of his sweatshirt, being flooded by light and noise, blinding his vision for a second. He does not have time to examine his surroundings because his instincts scream at him again. He feels something approaching him from the side and jumps. to dodge it, not knowing that he would jump so high reaching a little below the giant's shoulder, both himself and Peter are equally surprised by such a feat.

Now he analyzes the situation and reality hits him ,he was no longer in the laboratory, he was on the street, right now the exterior is so huge for him that it makes him feel tiny, as if anything could crush him and kill him, also the sounds of movement urban are multiplying, his ears are very sensitive right now, this makes him shiver.

Peter comes out of shock when he feels Miles pulling on the shoulder of his sweatshirt, he notices how his hands and feet are stuck to the fabric, bringing back memories of his first day when the spider bit him

-It can't be...- he thinks.

The whole sequence happened in just seconds, miraculously no one has noticed his presence yet, Peter covers his small trembling body with one hand and whispers -kid... if you want to get away you have to relax, believe me, I went through this and when you were most nervous you you put it will be worse-

Miles feels his senses screaming again, but he can't do anything, he closes his eyes tightly waiting for something to happen, instead, he feels that his surroundings are getting warm and listens to Peter's advice, when he opens his eyes he sees that it covers him his hand cupped so people don't see it.

Taking the advice, Miles takes deep breaths and tries to remember how he saved him and that he wouldn't hurt him. Slowly he feels himself relaxing as his limbs begin to detach from the fabric, until he lets go completely, but he doesn't fall because there is just the right hand to catch him.

When he feels it come loose, Peter grabs it and immediately puts it back in his pocket while resuming the patch with accelerated steps to finally reach the building. This time he holds the child with a soft and at the same time firm fist so that he does not run away again, he can feel himself trying to get away from his grip, something he tries in vain, it makes him feel bad but he does not want to risk it twice. Once inside he goes straight to the empty elevator, presses the button to go up and the doors close, just then he takes the boy out of his pocket again, looking at him with concern on his face while he puts it in his other hand with his palm open, knowing that There will no longer be the risk of someone seeing it and trusting that it will not jump again

-What happened that you were thrown?- Peter asks with concern.

Miles, still stunned and anxious, listens to the question, to which he does not know how to answer.

-I... I don't know, I woke up from a deep sleep and I didn't remember anything... - he says with a hoarse and weak voice - the first thing I felt was that something was telling me to run away... and... and... COF COF - He couldn't finish his prayer that seizes a coughing fit.

-It's okay, you don't have to answer if you can't, you're very bad and you have to recover first, okay? - to which Miles nods his head.

The elevator bell rings and the doors open, Miles's senses spike again and he unconsciously jumps towards Peter's shoulder between his neck and T-shirt.

Peter is taken by surprise once again by this action and tries to stay still without wanting to scare the boy away, he feels him go around his neck to the nape of his neck and uses the hood of his T-shirt as a hiding place, sliding to the bottom of it.

"God kid, with those jumps you could win the Olympics," he says jokingly, trying to relieve Miles' tension as he begins to walk out of the elevator.

Miles, now comfortable in the background of the grayish fabric that surrounds him, gives a small laugh when he hears the joke. He feels the hood sway with his steps, this calms him down a little, but not completely.

Listen to how he inserts the keys into the cylinder, followed by the turn of the key and the click of the handle to open the door

"We're home," Peter says, closing the door behind him and dropping the backpack to the side, making Miles curious, he climbs the fabric of the hood up his back until he reaches neck level to scan the new surroundings, barely showing its head.

The apartment is an honest and cozy environment, smaller than the apartment where he lived with his parents. He notices a clock that says 7:06am and a smell of caffeine in the air. That smell invades his small lungs and his stomach growls. desperate for food, he already forgot the last time he chewed something.

-Good morning love- a feminine voice invades the room, making Miles descend back into the bottom of the hood, hiding himself again. He didn't expect at all that there was someone else living with Spiderman, it caught him completely by surprise. Just feeling how intruding eyes are staring at him activates his senses, making him tense and Peter can feel it.

-Good morning darling- Peter responds to his beloved Mary Jane, they have been living together in this apartment for approximately 4 months and are dating. She works for the J. Jonah Jameson newspaper, right now she's in her pajamas with a cup of coffee in her hand.

M.J, when greeting him, notices something that peeks out from behind her shoulder and disappears like a blur towards at the hood, she looks at him curiously and asks -What is that?- she asks as she walks closer.

-I'm going to introduce him to you, but please, be subtle and don't speak loudly, he's been through a lot and he's a little scared-

M.J, puzzled, nods, stopping on the other side of the coffee table, just a couple of steps away as she puts down her coffee cup.

-Miles, this is MJ, he's my partner and he won't hurt you, you can go out- he says with a calm voice.

Steeling himself, Miles draws a long breath and with sweaty hands slowly climbs the fabric to shoulder level, slowly pokes his head in for the first eye contact, his hair standing on end and his instincts screaming for danger, but he tries to suppress it and with a lot of courage he climbs completely onto Peter's shoulder, sticking to his neck, leaving himself completely exposed, he hadn't noticed that he was trembling. This reminds him of the first time he had contact with Peter this morning.

-M.J, this little guy is Miles Morales-

Mary Jane is completely stunned by what she sees, her eyes wide and her hand automatically to her mouth, a small child, no taller than 3 inches, haggard looking, a dirty dressing gown in tatters that barely touches her. it covered the skin, revealing some bruises and cuts, you can notice how the little one is scared and has small tremors.

-Oh my God! Poor…. Peter... how come... why...?- he can't finish asking the questions.

-There was a secret Kingpin laboratory, it seems they were doing experiments with it... and I suspect if there were others... - Peter replies.

He feels how those words shake the boy and he clings to his neck as if his life depended on it, making him tremble more

"But first you have to feed him and treat him" he says as he brings his hand to the trembling body to try to calm him down, making an impromptu hug and gently massaging his back with his thumb, he can feel his lack of body fat, the bones of the shoulder blade and the spine look like spikes that want to get out of the skin, that impresses him a little and fills him with bitterness and sadness.

Peter did not finish saying that M.J went straight to the bathroom in search of some warm blankets and leaves them on top of the dining room table making an improvised nest for him -he will be comfortable here- he says as he continues his route directly to the kitchen to find him something to eat.

Peter feels how Miles relaxes with his massage, releasing the tension, while he walks towards the table, delicately grasps it with his fingers and moves it towards the nest of blankets.

Miles grateful, grabs them to cover himself with them and not lose heat, while Peter goes to the bathroom to get alcohol and gauze to treat him.

M.J brings a plate of tea with rice and meat cut into pieces, also water in the lid of a bottle. When he smells it, his stomach screams desperately for nutrients and liquid. Unfortunately he didn't have cutlery for his size so he had to eat it with his hands, but that didn't stop him from eating voraciously, then he drank all the water that was in the bottle cap in one gulp.

Then came the treatment, first Peter cleaned his wounds with clean water and alcohol, this process made him burn at times, but he bit his tongue to avoid screaming and he held on as best he could, the young brown-haired man tried to encourage him even though it hurt inside. watch him suffer then, with skillful hands and much softer than she could have imagined, I bind her arms at the bicep level, which is where most of the punctures and bruises were.

After the treatment was finished, M.J. he looks at the time and sees that he is late for work, so he goes to change and promises to get him clothes for Miles. He says goodbye and leaves the apartment.

Peter pulls his chair up to the table and sits down, slowly crossing his arms near where Miles is and leaning his head down to examine him, noticing that the boy has a sleepy face.

"Are you feeling better?" he asks softly, to which the boy nods, he is satisfied thanks to the food and he no longer feels cold, for the first time in a long time he felt so relaxed and with real sleep, it was as if the whole The tension that he had accumulated would have dissipated completely, leaving him with a body and mind completely sore and exhausted, just like when a slacker who does nothing exercises suddenly for a day and returns with a sore body, the last time he was that's how comforting it was when he was with his family…his family…

He begins to remember his life before he was kidnapped without noticing the liquid that begins to emanate from his eyes.

Boy?... He sees that Miles doesn't respond so he decides to touch him gently with his index and middle fingers, Miles feels it and makes him react by returning to the present, there he realizes his eyes sting and he rubs himself trying to clean his eyes from tears.

"Will I be able to see my family again?" he asks with a broken voice as he looks at him tiredly. "Yes, I promise we'll find your family and you'll be back to normal," he replies as he straightens up from his seat, "but first, how about we go get some sleep?" That trip left me exhausted, and from what I see you too- he says as he extends his open hand in front of him.

Miles looks at him for a moment before standing up and scrambling up onto the palm, at which point he was so exhausted both physically and mentally that he was barely getting to his feet.

Once he sees him reaching for the palm, Peter gets up, closing his fingers around the boy, and goes up to his room.

Peter pulls off the sheet and blanket, once leaving the mattress and pillow exposed, props his open hand at an obtuse angle so Miles slides into it, close to the pillow.

He slides and lands on the smoothest surface he has felt in a long time, with what little strength he has left he sits down to analyze his surroundings. He is on a double bed that is accompanied by two nightstands, one on each side, and on his right side is the biggest pillow I have ever seen, it barely covers ¼ of its height, and the bed is spread out in seas of sheets and webs, you can see the strands that are woven to form everything around you. On the left wall is an open window with the curtains drawn to the sides and the shutter half open, letting in the morning light and outside air.

He sees how Peter leaves, after a while he returns with simple pajamas, a light blue shirt with pants. He goes to the window to close the shutter more so it doesn't let in as much light, although a little fresh air does filter in and it makes him shiver a little. He walks back to his side of the bed and sits in the middle, his weight causing the mattress to give causing Miles to fall flat on his face.

-Oops, sorry about that- he says as he gently picks up Miles with his fingers, making him jump a little, then he lies on his back and places the boy gently on his chest.

-Rest, Miles- he tells him as he feels his ribcage vibrate under him and the huge hand that covers him like a giant heavy blanket protecting him from the cold and the gusts that filter through the window. Feel the superhero's chest rise and fall without shock as he breathes, and his entire body radiates a comforting, peaceful warmth.

-Same Peter- he says before letting himself be overcome by sleep, falling fast asleep.

[littleeyesofpallas]

I've been asked before what my favorite entity in the Mangus universe is, and I frequently reinterpret this question as which entity would I be an avatar, or at least a follower of. And that requires a stipulation, that to have an affinity for an entity is not to think it's cool, and it's not for it to be your greatest fear, it's for it to be the fear you're most drawn to or otherwise occupied by. And in this capacity my answer has been, The Corruption. Because while I'm not generally scared of bugs, I do have a long standing series of hyper specific situational fears that all include bugs.

As a kid I went to a farm with my school and some tour guide commented on something about barbed wire leaving cuts on the cows and flies laying their eggs in the open wounds. And that shit stuck with me.

Back when the internet was a dark lawless place and shit like CP and snuff films were just floating around out there where anyone could drop you a link to them, I saw a video of a little kid with a horrifying large hole in his head where dozens of maggots were eating away as his flesh and clearly had been for some time.

I knew a kid in middle school wrestling who had to have his head surgically opened because somehow he'd gotten a beetle larva in his ear and it had matured into a beetle and was stuck in there causing him pain.

I have recurring nightmares of bugs flying into my ear, not because I'm afraid of the bugs themselves, but because every time I have the dream I specifically get stuck in the process of trying to swat the bug away and the active attempt to get at it causing it to retreat deeper into my ear and me being unable to get it back out.

Remember that scene in The Mummy with the flesh burrowing scarabs? I had a nightmare(?) Once where I caught a ladybug burrowing into my skin, and as I failed to squeeze it back out I realized I had dozens of little bumps all over my arm all moving around. So I took a long nail --no idea why that was the tool of choice-- and cut a ring around my forearm and peeled my skin off like a glove to reveal all the ladybugs crawling around in there.

(All that not even touching on my general anxieties about illness and disease and my constant paranoid certainty that my bones are just withering away and riddles with holes, my irrational fear of contracting tetanus regardless of whether or not I've been in contact with any rust, and the nagging thought that my skin is necrotizing and just full of inexplicably unprompted rot... But this is about the bugs.)

And now there is this stupid issue my apartment building is having where our land lord never schedules the damn exterminator on a day when I'm actually home to let them in so we've gone I don't know howany rounds without the unit being properly treated. And while there wasn't actually much of an issue for the better part of the past 3 years, now we've got a roach problem. And I spend every fucking night, starting from the moment I wake up, and the moment I walk in from work combing over our kitchen counters and the corners of the room expecting to find at least one scuttling about. It details any/every other thought process I'm having as I put my whole fucking life on hold in order to start this like 12 step scan and spray and chase and squish process. It's becoming frustratingly routine yet at the same time engaging.

And worst of all is that again I'm not fundamentally afraid or grossed out by bugs, I think bugs are cool, I generally avoid killing them if I can, I even used to take care of the bugs in the pet store I used to work at because no one else would. But mother fuckers cannot be allowed to nest and procreate in my goddamn walls. So for practical purposes they just gotta go, which means I have to be hyper aware of their presence, which has turned into anticipation, paranoia, and anxiety.

Jane Prentiss, just take me now

[suhaniii10]

I packed my bags and boarded the plane. It was the sensible thing to do, considering my 20s were moving way too fast and I hadn't accomplished anything worthwhile still. I felt this incredible anticipation to reach my destination and was delighted when the plane landed half an hour early. You see, I imagined moving cities would suddenly erase all that was holding me back. 'Onwards to a better life', they said and I hoped.

Stepping out of the airport, straight in the lap of this new city I could not help but wonder what the next year is going to look like. The thoughts in my mind ran through at 100 miles an hour- new people to meet, places to visit, local food to be had. And then the other kind, the slow thoughts that run like an 80s slideshow- the mortifying ones. Anxiety about making a career from scratch and living alone in a city where I knew not a single soul crept in.

The blank canvas that was my apartment stared at me. The excitement of finally having a place all to my own was immense. I could decorate it to my liking, give it a character it lacked at the moment. The 100 miles an hour thoughts again- Amazon Wishlist filled with home decor items, Pinterest mood boards, room transformation videos. Stubborn thoughts setting up expectations way ahead of any real work. I had always been like this- imagining the outcome even before I put pen to paper. Maybe that's why I was easily disappointed and lost interest in things when they didn't go a certain way, the way I'd imagined. But now, there was no going back. No safety net to fall back on. I'd come thousands of miles away from home to make a 'life'. What that meant, I still have no clue.

One week in and I was set. The Pinterest-y home was coming to life and I enjoyed my own company much more than I thought I would. Exciting days were ahead of me. This is all that I wanted. Or atleast I thought I did. Why did I have this stinging feeling at the back of my mind of not being where I belonged? I, somehow, loved and hated this new city. 'This is natural because it's your first time being so far away from home. It'll take some time.' I convinced myself.

It's been a year and I'm still convincing myself. I've grown to like this city but my heart still sobs like a baby when I can't visit home for small festivities, when I miss my favourite local street food joint, when school friends visit home and give updates about how our small town has changed. I have found replacements in this city for almost all the things I miss from back home. They still don't suffice.

Maybe this is what making a 'life' is. Moving away from home in hopes of a better future and then trying to find that same home in the place I ran off to. Yearning to go back but not having the courage to uproot the 'life' that I've created here because that'll just not be sensible. So, I wait for big festivals and important milestones to visit the one place in the world that satisfies my heart. Funny, isn't it? Now I desperately wish to go back to the same place I couldn't wait to get out of.

I have the outcome of my efforts in front of me and this time, I didn't run away. I made it turn out like I had imagined and somewhat made a 'life'. But what good is it if I'm still stuck in those slow thoughts that play like an 80s slideshow, only now the anxiety is about my home fading out in the background, leaving me all alone in this big, vibrant, city of dreams where my heart still fails to belong. Maybe this is what life is, an attempt at tackling adult problems governed by the mind, only to be defeated by the heart.

But don't take my word for it, I still have no clue what this darn thing is. I just wanna go home.

[birrrrddddddyyy]

Im so fuckin anxious.

I had a terrible anxiety attack last night and ended up waking up my partner in the middle of the night. I just like unloaded everything I was scared about, from the missing messages with that girl that had a crush of them, to how it weirds me out that their other friend messages them at all hours of the night. I was a wreck. And they were wonderful about answering my questions and hearing me out and apologizing. But like.... I still don't feel fully reassured???? They were so patient with me. They ARE so patient with me. I feel like I'm fucking everything up. I feel scared that there's this great divide between us lately and I keep making it worse. I think they're gradually growing into a more secure attachment and I'm still stuck in my anxious disorganized. I should feel better right???? But I had nightmares that they left me for someone else. They were literally kissing them in front of me. And laughing at me. I feel like I failed them last night. My anxiety got too bad and it turned into a whole discussion AGAIN. I'm so tired of having these constant talks. Sometimes I wonder if we actually should be together or if this relationship is just trapping the both of us. But I love them. I see and feel us doing so well, even if things are hard recently. I just feel like I keep fucking things up. I don't know what's wrong with me. Last night I realized that instead of letting myself settle into their kindness I just laid there and thought about how life will be when they inevitably leave and abandon me. I dunno why my mind immediately went there, and I had to like literally challenge myself. For the first time, I realized I do that no matter what. If we fight, I mentally prepare for life without them. Even if we have a good productive convo and they show up for me , my mind still goes straight to how life will be without them. Or snarky cruel things to say, or it fixates itself on how I can get back at them if they hurt me. Because it's soo convinced that they will. I think I've been so deeply wounded in the past that I can't even fathom not being hurt by the person I love most. So when they show up for me and don't hurt me, and wanna do the work to love each other better ...it feels so scary and foreign. I know what to do with abuse and chaos, not this... not actual love.

Also my abusive ass ex was in my dream. He had a wife that I was trying to warn. She didn't believe me. Nobody believed me. That man is a r×pist. He abused me emotionally and mentally for months and then he assaulted me. He fucked me up. I think its obviously the shit he put me through that has scared me the worst. I knew the first relationship after an abusive one would be hard. But JFC this shit is like actually really really hard. It feels like every day I have to fight against my instincts to cut and run to protect myself. I get so so scared. No, I am scared. All the fucking time. And it's like no matter how much reassurance I get, or apologies from my partner when they mess up, or how well they show up for me, I still have it so deeply rooted in myself that they're going to harm and abandon me. That's so unfair to them, I really wish I could just turn my fear off and believe them. I was literally single for FOUR YEARS because of the trauma my ex put me through. I thought I was passed most of it if not all of it. But here I am at six am writing the longest damn vent of my life, wondering when the pain is going to end. Wondering why it's still hurting. Wondering if my pain is unfair to my life partner. The love of my life. It is unfair to them in a way. I wish I knew how to just move on. I wish it didn't still hurt. But being in a relationship again means pressing up against the sore spots. My trust, my fear of abandonment, my anger. Sometimes I feel like Im pulling myself apart piece by piece, to sew myself into a new shape. I'm not the person that I was when I was hurt. That person is dead. Sometimes I feel like Im cutting myself open and ripping out the rot. Then I'll leave it all out to sit in the rocks for birds to pick at.

I feel so vulnerable. I need to be vulnerable.

[aghadbeenhere]

Staying Behind.

AGHADBEENHERE'S UNNAMED BLOG : 5#

Hey, Everyone, it's AG once again talkin' to you, sorry about the short disappearance in posts, I kinda forgot about this and didn't really feel like writing something up, since there's not that much going on in my head most of the time, this time's just a rare exception, so don't get TOO used to it, buddy.

I've honestly been thinking about a whole lot of things these past few days after fixing up my sleep schedule, I wake up early in the morning with all the time in the world, but..

I feel so alone.

I have none of my friends online, or capable of responding to me, family being out at work, I'm just kinda left to rot in my bedroom and try to drown out the overwhelming silence by playing videogames all by myself.

And even when I'm in VIRTUAL WORLDS WITH SO MANY PEOPLE, I still feel distant from everything and everyone, none of them would notice me disappearing, that's reasonable, yeah, since I am nothing more than just a stranger to them, but I've been starting to feel like It'd be the case with others.

Close friends of mine, people I deeply care about who I'm happy to see thrive, enjoy life and do things, everything should be good, I should be overjoyed to see them spending their time doing things they like.

But at times I feel like absolute shit over it, maybe it's the anxiety, maybe it's the fear, maybe it's some sort of undiagnosed attachment issues, but-

"Sorry, I got plans with ____" "Not feeling like it, sorry." "Maybe some other time." "busy rn."

All these things are stuff that I shouldn't be remotely worried about, people have their own schedules and things to do, and if they're not in the mood, I shouldn't question it.

But every time i feel like I'm hearing this more often, more than anything at times, sometimes I don't even hear it yet I'm left on my lonesome.

I feel like I'm drifting away from the world, from my friends, from everyone i care about, I'm fading into obscurity and one day they'll all be gone, doing better things, everyone but me.

I'll be here.

I'll be here waiting for one of them to look back, to say something to me.

To drag me along, to take me with them onto new horizons and enjoy what they're enjoying.

And it feels more like a fleeting dream every day that passes by.

I feel like shit because I feel this way, because its selfish of me to want that one person that depends on me, so that even if everybody else left, I'd have them, I would keep them and not have to worry about being left alone.

Of them never moving on, being stuck with me.

That's selfish, greedy, sick of me, yet I still crave it and I know it's awful, deep down I both want everybody to walk away to greener pastures, and also for them to be stuck here with me because I'm too much of a shitpile to get up and move with them.

I don't know where I'll be 3 years from now, maybe 2, or even just 1.

Everything feels so awful right now and I just want the one thing I can have to myself.

My art skills? Degrading.

My animation skills? Dwindling.

My friends? walking away.

It's all just slowly ripping itself apart from me, but hey, maybe I'll learn to accept solitude rather than find ways to reject it.

Who knows.

I don't.

Sorry about the depressing post, but it's always good to get it out of your system, right?

As always, through thick and thin, this was ag, wishing you a good life.

With love and care, yours truly.

-aghadbeenhere, 2024.

[abyssofsydney]

Almost every night, for probably the last 5 years, I dream about the same things in different forms. I always wake up anxious, usually with the anxiety pouring into the rest my morning & sometimes it casts a dark shadow on my entire day.

Usually it starts with packing. I begin packing things into my house or car; boxes & bags, not entirely sure what the entail, but in the dream it feels like they’re always my most prized possessions. Then I start packing the animals. Sometimes I’m packing both dogs & the cat, others they’re already inside waiting to run out the door each time I open it.

Then the anxiety really sets in.

The things that I’ve packed, that in my dream I’m feeling so much attachment too, keep getting unpacked. Either in the dream individuals will come by and grab things and take them, or boxes will break and fall apart, making me have to repack once again. The animals will get loose too, and then they’re running free in what usually is a town or community area. The anxiety builds as my things are not packing the way they should and the animals are now who knows where and I’m stuck trying to clean it all up as quick as possible because for some reason these dreams make me feel as though I’m racing the clock.

I wake myself up often, moaning & groaning & tossing & turning, but almost always I go right back into the dream, or something that gives me similar feelings as I sleep.

Once the dream merges, it’s usually me or my husband driving, with all the stuff that’s packed, trying to get to some very important destination. For some reason or another, we can never get to where we’re trying to go. We make stops, have detours, our animals escape, things fall out of the car, etc. there’s always something creating tension & that tension I begin to literally feel inside my body while I sleep.

Usually when I dream like this, I wake up early the next morning in pure anxiety. Heart racing, heavy breathing, & I constantly have to tell myself “I am here” (in real life) to even get myself out of bed. I’m scared waking up like this as I don’t want to fall back into a month long panic attack again like a did a few years back.

This morning was the first morning I have woken up in my own bed at home in months, as I travel out of state often for work & currently am staying with my grandfather as it’s closer to my husbands work. My grandmother also recently passed away, so while I’m not working currently, I get to spend my time helping my grandfather around the house and I get some more quality time in with him. With being away from home so often, it makes me crave a peaceful night sleep in my own bed. This morning, I woke up again to the disappointment of torturous dreaming all night long and the feeling of a brick on my chest along with extreme feelings of worry and panic.

I’ve always struggled with nightmares since I was a kid. It used to be scary creatures coming for me, now it’s time counting down & anxiety that fuels these dreams.

[timeoverload]

I'm sorry for talking about my dreams last night. I was half asleep when I wrote that and I just needed to vent. I shouldn't have said anything about it at all.

I want to clarify that my ex has no place in my life now I have been over him for a long time. Most of the time I forget that he even exists. I won't say another word about him ever again because he is dead to me. I hope that is the last nightmare I ever have about that.

I don't want to have PTSD anymore and I have moved on. I am in a better place now and I am content on my own even if things aren't perfect. I need to remember that I am safe and I never have to go through that again.

I am happy that I keep seeing children in my dreams and that is the main thing that I am focused on. I feel like that's a good sign. It's weird that you posted that picture of the tarot card of the skeleton in the field with the 2 girls at the bottom. In my dream, the girls were playing in a field so that's a crazy coincidence. I think everything is going to be ok.

Anyway, I still have a migraine and I don't know why it won't go away. I got something to eat but it didn't help. I don't think I can sleep anymore right now and I probably shouldn't do that anyway. I just took more ibuprofen and I've been drinking so much water. I hope it helps with my back too. I've been thinking about going to get a massage but I've never gone somewhere to get one before. I don't know if it's safe to go to a chiropractor with my injury. I just can't get any relief.

My pain is making it difficult to do anything even though I have a lot I need to do and it's making me so angry. On a scale of 1 to 10 I would rate my pain right now between 8 and 9. My dad said he was going to move my washing machine to the basement sometime soon and hook it up so I can finally do some laundry. I still need to take my boxes down there but I can't do it right now. I'm so tired of them being in my way. I wish I had the energy to just go to the laundromat like a normal person.

I got new stuff for my room and I want to be able to use it. I know it would make me more comfortable. I can't make any progress and I feel stuck. I'm not trying to be lazy and I should have been done with everything by now. I know I am not a lazy person. I am going to try to do something once my head stops hurting. I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm tired of acting like an old lady. I want to feel young again.

I am sort of afraid to go to that party next weekend now because I feel like I'm not capable of having fun anymore. I haven't done anything like that in years. I'm nervous about socializing. I don't even want to drink that much. I don't want to be a downer and I have to pretend like I'm not falling apart physically. I don't want to have to leave early because I'm in pain. I'm still planning on going but it's giving me anxiety.

I'm trying really hard not to cry right now because that would just make me feel worse. I hope that I feel better soon. I need to try to stay strong and keep moving anyway.

Thank you everybody for listening to me complain. I appreciate you. I hope you all enjoy the rest of your day. 💖

[lets-talk-spirituality]

thank you for the reading sweet pea! ;) (literally the cutest nickname ever ugh) i can’t comment on the career part of the message since im currently unemployed but some of the other stuff definitely resonates! funnily enough the thing that stuck out the most was the thing about purple… i randomly started loving pastel purple in the past year but especially this last month, lol! im even wearing purple jammies right now! i realized that i think it looks nice on me with the color of my features and i literally just bought light purple polish and a matching dress… so funny! also the part about getting outside more! i definitely fall into staying in my apartment for days and days without going outside and its definitely making me feel icky. sometimes anxiety takes over (especially when you look up your solar return chart for a future year and it looks very scary lol) which causes me to hole up in my place but i will make sure to try to get out more!! and yes, i do need to say yes more! not just to myself but to others and opportunities and to get off of my ass and stop waiting for life!!! also i love the mother nature/earthy stuff. i might be moving to a new home within the next year which means i will finally have a backyard again and i’ve already been dreaming about planting a garden and making a fun and beautiful backyard! sorry for the long message! just wanted to let you know that i am grateful for your help and to let you know what resonates with me! 🌹🌸💐🌺🌷🌻🌼

Awww thank you so much for sending this in. Always touches me to know the people who sent in the request got to see it when I know I’m a bit sporadic in how I do them/respond.

Good about the purple then! Should help you open your crown. Maybe try to eat purple too. Omg. Ube? When I moved to Hawaii they use Ube which is a sweet potato as a sweetener in things. If you can find it. Shit is tops. Ube latte is amazing and so is Ube malasada.

I really hope you can start to enjoy life and maybe even get out to nature around you in the meantime. I’m glad parts resonate and I really think with you being unemployed that means you can approach career in new ways. Best of luck, bestie!

[femme-kitty]

april 7th, 2023

i know i’ve been laughing and dreaming and being silly and feeling a lot like myself again and its been very beautiful to experience and embody

however, today, i realized that what i was struggling with this entire time wasn’t just my anxiety disorder

that what i had been living with was complex ptsd and possibly dissociative disorder too

i’m really focused on getting to a healthy point with these both for myself

now i know why i was so far away from my inner child and from who i was as a person as a whole

i am able to fully understand why i wasn’t there, why i legitimately wasn’t my actual self until i got to an environment where i felt safe finally

i think i dissociated for months at the apartment after the day i cried so hard because kiara shut the door in my face and just kept lying to me about the smoking, i think after that night and the proceeding weeks of sleeping in smoke and feeling afraid was when my actual self disconnected from the reality of it all and i stopped being 100% there, i made myself numb and my brain started to have me live outside of myself as a protective mechanism to stop myself from feeling the pain of us being betrayed by her after thinking we would be really close friends and then feeling like i had no escape from living in the smoke, it was ultimately a protective mechanism for my brain and body to survive living there because there was nowhere else to go and my ptsd of being hurt in my home environment was triggered again and put my body into a fearful state from my past with mama rosita,

i’m hopeful but i’m also crying because i didn’t realize how much the trauma had damaged my mental health and sense of unity with my own self until i was able to leave and finally feel safe again

and i know that these circumstances don’t excuse the way i was acting and that my healing from these events are my responsibility so that i can be better for myself and be myself again, in peace

it explains why bernie says that it felt i was stuck in the trauma, i may have been living with post-traumatic stress disorder from everything we had gone through with my mom, mama rosita, my dad & lina, mamita, my mom again when she kicked bernie out, and then kiara,

i know trauma affects humans differently and so i think bernie possibly could have avoided developing c-ptsd from it and avoided dissociation because it wasn’t their blood family who was hurting them versus me having to see the people i’ve grown up with my entire life being hurtful to me and/or my partner,

and thats completely okay, great actually! i dont want them to have gone through this, to have experienced a separation of self like i did, to have felt like a walking hollow person for weeks who wasn’t happy or fully aware of their own actions and feelings/emotions,

i’m glad they were able to distance themselves away from me because i wasn’t being safe or secure in those moments, i hope i can be friends with them again in a safe and secure way

i believe in my healing, i believe in finding myself again and feeling like myself again in this life

i can’t believe how freaking strong i am for coming out of dissociation despite being around my dysfunctional family again, if it was the force of the Universe or abuela propelling me forward into change then for that i am eternally grateful

i keep seeing signs of confirmation and protection and so i will keep trusting

-carolina <3

[not-your-fucking-kacchan]

yO omg i just found ur page and i love it so hi im requesting : )

can i get izuku x male reader (or gn! idrc) where the reader is pretty stoic, like todoroki times a billion, and is only friends (boyfriends LMAO, i should mention id prefer if they r already in a relationship) with izuku, like mutters to him to talk, n just follows him around most of the time, n is kinda insecure since he has a bunch of scars and his arms are messed up because of his quirk (like discoloured skin and such) and because him n izuku are childhood friends hes kinda clingy, and is only soft with izuku

but then one day izuku is kinda havin a tough time, and snaps at the reader by accident (the reader kept clinging to him cause he didn't know where else to go and couldn't read the social cues of izuku being frustrated) and just the most heartbreaking angst with a nice fluffy ending of izuku after like a day of realizing the reader hasn't been clinging to him or talking to him and him going to see the reader in his dorms and just walking in on him curled up with a plushie or smth that izuku bought him n trying to sleep and izuku just breaking

you dont have to do this!! have a great day/night and stay hydrated!! im gonna go stalk ur bnha masterlist now ;)

ndsjafbiw i love angst sm

And feel free to stalk my masterlist lmfao i get really happy when i put more and more stuff on there and it gets longer and longer...

brheupqbufverpw also i was listening to bad habits by steve lacy and i llove you so by the walters and bjhsbafw it set the scene so good yall omg.

Whew this has been sitting in my drafts collecting dust since I lost the motivation to write when my account was nuked, but it's back, so I'm back and you guys can have this as your peace offering :D

Masterlist <3

Warning: Scarring, mentions of vomit...

Izuku x Male!Reader - Quiet

You were practically Izuku's shadow. Everywhere he went, you went too. At the beginning of the year you were incredibly quiet and didn't really react to much. You just kept to yourself, really. You had been suffering with some pretty damn crippling anxiety at the time, and it almost had you staying home and ghosting the entrance exam because you couldn't stop thinking about what could go wrong.

You had nearly forfeited your dream because you were scared.

What if you're too weak? What if they reject you? What if you humiliate yourself?

What if somebody sees the horrible scarring on your arms and says something? It's not your fault you're so hideous, but that doesn't stop you from feeling like it is.

Things stayed that way until Izuku spoke to you again for the first time in a few years, making your little heart thud in your chest as he mumbles and mutters hypotheses about your quirk and about how glad he was to have seen how you'd grown. The boy is so open and friendly, and so talkative that it more than makes up for your lack of input in the conversation. It had been that way before as well.

You both had been childhood friendsat some point, but for some reason you'd grown apart. It broke your heart, but lo and behold the quirkless boy is entering the exam too. Who knows, when you both fail maybe you could be friends again.

At least that was what you'd thought.

Except, you didn't fail. And neither did he.

You had stuck around him after that, following him to class and for lunch until he started to get a little freaked out when leaving for the dorms only to see you still trailing behind. He confronted you and bashfully asked why you've been shadowing him the whole day with an awkward smile, unknowingly hurting your little guarded heart as you realised that your company was apparently unwanted. Of course it was. What were you thinking?

When he saw your dejected face, and felt you practically deflate in front of him, speaking up quietly for the first time the whole day, he immediately felt bad and invited you to his dorm room to talk at you some more, since he knew you wouldn't be replying much.

"S- sorry... i'll go. 'didn't mean to bother you. I just felt safe..."

His poor little (gay, but he doesn't know that yet) heart melted on the spot.

It was from then on that the two of you stayed as close friends again, and Izuku became your safety net. Every time you would panic or cry and cower away in your dorm room he was there, ready to help you challenge your negative thoughts and give you the confidence to step outside again. You had grown even closer than before despite the rift that had previously grown between you.

When he had gained the patchy, discoloured scarring on his arms from abusing them so much with his quirk, he had smiled, and held your arms close together with his.

"We match! ... You still think we're so hideous?..."

Your heart had skipped a beat when he said "we", implying that he would share this burden with you.

Over time, you started to grow closer and closer, until one day, you cleared your throat to speak while sitting in Izuku's bed with him, some random hero documentary playing on his TV. He immediately shut up at the time, listening to you speak because it's so rare that you'd break your silence unless you were with him and he was honoured that he was the one to make you feel that comfortable, and you would never forget how his cheeks started to glow when you confessed to him that day. He was so proud that you were able to tell him, and immediately accepted your confession of love.

Ever since then you had hung around him at all times, clinging to his blazer with an outstretched hand when the halls got busy and even following him to the bathroom, his blush ever present every time you did. He didn't truly mind though.

But today, he had been in a rather sour fight with Bakugou, and he was reeling. You had never really been privvy to social cues, so when he let out frustrated sighs and huffs, and held his head in his hands during break, you just thought he was feeling a little off today.

Discoloured, scarred fingers reach out to hold onto his blazer sleeve when you start to feel a little unsettled, huddling close to him and showing him your affection, but he does not take kindly to it.

A sharp smack fills the silence of the room as Izuku swats your hand away harshly, growing irritated with and overstimulated by everything around him. You know he must have been having a bad day, but it must've been you. You didn't realise that you had ruined his day and part of you almost thinks of this as his way of breaking up with you, but you don't have much time to think on it before your boyfriend is yelling at you.

He had never yelled at you before.

"What's is it now?! Can't you see i'm not in the mood?! I can't do this right now. You don't have to cling to me every second of the day!"

Everything feels numb when, for the first time ever, Izuku raises his voice at you. He definately wants to break up. Didn't you hear, idiot? He said he doesn't want you near him anymore. He doesn't like you anymore.

It doesn't even take a second for the overwhelmingly depressing and intrusive thoughts to infiltrate your mind and swarm you, and you freeze up as he walks away from you, your throat suddenly closing up as your eyes sting from the salt in your tears.

For hours you sit alone in your bedroom, curled up under your sheets and crying so hard you almost vomit. Of course he doesn't want to be with you anymore, look at you. Your face is bright red and your skin is raw and sore from all of the tears and the wiping of your face. It hurts. And it looks like it does too.

You curl up into a large dragon plush that Izuku had won for you at an arcade date the two of you went on. It was one of your first dates and still remains one of the best memories of your life. The fur of the plush is absolutely ruined with snot and tears, and your voice is hoarse and it carries in your cries how torn apart you are. It's sad, the first time you've used your voice this much in such a short space of time is when your crying into a plush over your boyfriend. Or your ex.

Your hair is slick with sweat and tears and a few strands cling to your face as you cry, and you're completely exhausted by the time midday rolls around.

The next day, you skip school and stay in your room, your head pounding from the dehydration of crying out all the fluids in your body. You're only brought out of your trance as you hear a tentative knock on your door. Is the school day over already? Oh...

You didn't even bother to go to dinner, and you haven't eaten all day because you hadn't the guts to come out and face everyone after sonething like that. You may be a strong hero, but without Izuku, your crutch, you felt like nothing.

The last thing you expect to see is Izuku walking in to find you curled up in your bed, in a state worse than any he's ever seen you in. Considering that he's seen every one of your panics attacks since you had grown close, that's saying something.

Immidiately he's by yourside, relising how bedly he had fucked up. You were still cradling your hand close to your chest in an effort to stay close to the last place he touched you.

The freckled boy had come to apologise for snapping at you the way he did, but he never expected it to be this bad, and he truly worried when he didn't see you in class this morning. He felt unsettled not having you there beside him since you were both a package deal, and everywhere you went, you went with Izuku in tow.

His heart just about shatters as you look up at him with confused eyes, the colour in them appearing so much more intense with the flood of emotion and the redness of your sclera. your eyelashes are dark and bunched together with little tear droplets and the image is so etherial to him. He's so in love with you that it hurts, and there's an uncomfortable tightness in his chest and a lump in his throat at the sight of you like this. The second he saw you curled up and crying into his plush his heart had dropped to the floor and he had physically felt it.

In seconds he's apologising and tearing up, crying with you while he gets under the covers to cuddle.

"Baby, I- i'm so, so sorry! I never meant to hurt you like that, I swear! I was stressed and I took it out on you- i'm sorry! I've been a horrible partner- but i'll make it up to you, I promise..."

You didn't doubt him. The boy was torn up about how he treated you and the relief and comfort of finally being back in his arms again, coupled with the realisation that he didn't break up with you had your heart stuttering and racing and a hundred miles an hour while you cuddle the fluffy haired boy.

Your hands are already buried into his hair and he practically whines as you press your forehead against his under the sheets. As he rambles about how sorry he is you just scratch his scalp, still recovering from the heartbreak of what you thought was a split between the two of you, and you say nothing back.

Izuku knows you though, and he knows your silence isn't one of rejection. He holds you close with surprisingly strong arms, holding the hand he slapped away in his and trailing his thumbs over the discoloured scarring there. As much as you see Izuku breaking every record with his astounding strength, he's still just that squishy baby in your mind, with hamster cheeks and big, beady eyes that are like glass windows to his soul.

It brings a smile to your face and fresh tears to your eyes. You're so in love that it hurts.

[dre6ming]

The delicate beginning rush

Chapter VI ~ my darling

Masterlist

Chapter V ~ torn

Instagram photo dump masterlist

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Pairing: Austin Butler x fem singer/actress reader

Warning: age gap, mentions of poor mental health, depression, anxiety, mentions of abuse, talks of toxic relationships, divorce, fluff, angst, cursing. That’s all I hope :))

Plot: after a horrible article makes the headlines you find yourself back in a place where you judge your every move. Your crush on Austin only seems to grow as does your liking towards Joshua.

Word count: ~6500

Disclaimer: everything I write is fake. Except for the songs I mention.

I see it as soon as I wake up. The bad habit of waking up and checking my phone, giving my team no time to hide this from me. I stare at the screen of my phone with blurry eyes, the big red letters screaming at me.

"19 and taking hearts left and right"

The title reads and I could lie and say it's unexpected for a piece like this to be written, but it's not. I knew, I always did, but I guess I never anticipated how sharp and evil their words would be. Bringing up my parents divorce, saying dating is some coping mechanism, because they left me? Pulling up those pictures of me, balling my eyes out on the street. That day being one of the worst days of my life and they had the audacity to photograph it and now use it to justify my serial dating behavior? I know this is the price I pay for the job I chose, but sometimes the price feels higher than the reward.

With shaky hands I wipe my face, or try to, then turning my phone off I get up to go in the shower. The warm water engulfs me, my tears mixing with it. Each sob that shakes my body, makes my muscles contract painfully and I struggle to wash myself, as I feel like my legs might give out at any minute. I let out a scream so loud and sharp I scare myself and fall on the shower floor, clutching my head in my hands.

I need to get out, I need to breathe, I can't breathe. I'm stuck. I need out. I need...

Gathering up my strength, I get up, turning off the shower and ignoring the pain in my knees, which are sure to have bruises on them later. Using a warm towel to dry myself and then hurriedly putting on some clothes. Comfort being my goal I choose in oversized dark blue sweat suit. Staring at the clock, it's only 7:45 am, I woke up way too early, because of all the turmoil I faced in my sleep, caught between dreaming of Austin or Joshua. I'm supposed to be going to a fitting today, for the Oscars, also Jack expects me in the studio, but I can't. I don't want to see or talk to anyone right now. So I don't. My phone is turned off, it's too early for Matt to be here, my parents don't live here and don't care, it's easy for me to avoid people, so that's what I do.

Taking my bag, I make my way out of the apartment, after feeding Simba and William, no need for them to suffer just cause I do. Putting on sunglasses and hiding my hair as best as I can in a beanie, I walk out of the building, the cold air of the early morning hitting my cheeks. Behind my glasses my salty tears are still flowing. New York is busy as ever and I'm happy for it. The crowd occupied with whatever they have going on, so no one pays any attention to me, it's comforting, but I can't hope for it to last. I like to think about myself as one of those celebes who knows exactly how to work their private life, while keeping people entertained, I don't push fans away and I usually don't mind paparazzi, but then again, I wasn't an Oscar nominee before, nor was I lunching with famous men. I'm growing with my career and I arouse more excitement now I guess.

I'm walking like a crazy person, almost running, my feet carry me unconsciously down the street. Looking down at the watch on my wrist I see it's now 8:15am if I keep at this pace I'll be at the Chanel studio in about an hour, sure I'll be all sweaty and gross, but I don't care, at least I'm showing up. Showing up is the best I can do now. I try not to think about how everyone must be freaking out right now, calling my phone. By now Matt probably got to the apartment and is frantically searching for me, scared something bad might have happened.

I sigh annoyed that I didn't think to take time and text him that I'll go to the fitting by myself. I hate worrying people, but then again that's not healthy, because I often think if the worse were to come and that dark part of my brain took over, then I'd fail all of them, but I should be thinking about failing myself. It's my life and it has very little meaning to me, all I care is to be here for the people that I know care and my therapist has been struggling to drill into my brain that I should stop thinking of others and how my life affects them, but rather about myself and how I affect myself. Easier said than done. Guess I'll have to squeeze a session in today or tomorrow morning, because I know I'm not ok and I would like to know why. Because I can't accept the fact that, that article has me twisted like this, it has to be something more as well. It's not fair for my brain to fail me like this.

Lost in the spiral of my mind, I don't even acknowledge I got to my destination, until I'm looking up at the tall glass building. When I walk in I see Levis, coming out of the elevator, talking on the phone, worried, but when his eyes meet mine he visibly relaxes, murmuring some words into the phone and ending the call. "(Y/n), what the hell? Matt was frenetic, what happened?" I roll my eyes at him and go past him, to get inside the elevator, but he grabs my arm and keeps me in place. "Sweet pea, tell me? You know you're like my daughter, what's wrong?" I only shake my head, not really willing to talk about what's got me so twisted. With a defeated sigh, he understands and let's me go. I'm silent for the elevator ride and for most part of the fitting, only making the effort to talk when really necessary.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the tall mirrors and I have to force myself not to gasp. I look so tired. If Timmy or Roxanne would see me right now they would freak out and maybe they should. Sighing I turn around and show the stylist where I want modifications to be made. The whole process goes by in a haze, I'm not really here, my body is, but my mind?.... Well definitely somewhere else.

All that keeps going through my mind is : Are they right? Am I playing? But then again I know the truth, I know Austin is just a friend and so is Joshua. Sure I wrote Austin a whole song about wishing on dandelions for his love, but he's still just a friend. Ugh god I sound crazy, maybe I am. "So what do you think?" One of the stylists asks me, but I'm unable to actually formulate an opinion, so I smile and nod. I like it, do I think it's amazing? Not really. Does it age me a decade? Yes. But I do look beautiful and professional in the dark blue plaid pants, that are so wide legged they look like a skirt and the halter top white shirt, completes the look nicely. "Yeah, you can't go wrong with a classic!" I mutter and they go on to take the measurements needed for further alterations.

Happy to be out of playing dress up, I sink into the seat of the car, burying myself in the huge sweater I have on. Matt doesn't look at me, he just greets me politely as always. I know I scared him, disappearing like that on him. I don't think anyone on the outside could really understand how much the people working around me are like family to me, so them worrying for me is beyond a professional care.

I'm feeling a bit better now, but definitely not ready to go and finish 'Dandelions', Austin's song can wait. Instead I think I'll try to bring him a song I started a while ago.

I greet Jack with a tight hug and go to sit down at the piano. "So I've been thinking, about a lot lately, all these fittings and photo shoots, they have me hyper fixing on things." Jack listens as I play the piano, "Ok, so are we talking-" "Body image" he nods, closing his eyes to listen to the soft melody I'm playing. "She just want to be, beautiful" I sing "She goes, unnoticed she knows, no limits" I sigh and keep playing struggling to keep my voice steady. "She prays to be, sculpted by the sculptor." The rhythm of the song picks up now and Jack goes over to his computer snapping his fingers to the melody, adding it over the piano. "Oh she don't see, the light that's shining. Deeper then the eyes can find it. Maybe she's blind?" I shake my head. "Maybe we have made her blind?" He suggests and I sing it that way.

"So to all the girls that's hurting, let me be your mirror, help you see a little be clearer" I write that verse down, smiling at the almost complete song, for hours now we've been throwing lines at each other. I usually write my songs alone, but this felt right to be done like this, I trust him to know exactly what I want to say. "That's beautiful, I'm thinking for the end we can have you and a choir sing and you could be saying 'No better you than the you that you are, No better life than the life we're living' , but right at the end we quiet down the music and you go with the chorus again one last time, on your own" I like that idea, putting on the headphones and going to sing into the mic.

We get most of the song done, but we have to see about that choir and we still have a lot in production to do, but I'm confident, "Scars to your beautiful" will be a song able to touch many people, not just girls, because we unfortunately live in a society where molds and labels are frequently used. I haven't always been the kindest to myself, my body, my craft, my mind. I'm my worts critic, but that's normal, my therapist says. I didn't expect this morning to go in the studio with one line that came to me in a flash and from there to build a whole song. I kind of wanted to finish "Idontwanttobeyouanymore" , but I think I'll keep that for my sessions with Finneas, it feels like a song for him, maybe I could ask Billie to feature and do vocals? I write that idea down in my journal and closing it, I discard it in my bag, occupying myself with looking out the window at the fast moving city as Matt drives me back home.

When I get to my apartment everything is the same as I left it. I hate it. I used to come back home and mom would've cooked something, or cleaned something, maybe dad had built some new furniture or he was loudly watching tv in the kitchen, or they were both on the balcony smoking. I miss them, but then I remember those were the good simple times I missed. They're divorce was long coming, just like that source for the magazine said. My parents had a toxic relationship and they used to hurt each other a lot and me as well. They were also codependent on each other, so it took a lot of pushing for my mom to finally file for divorce. My dad, a smart manipulative man, who loves me truly, but who holds no respect for my mother, had his claws deep into her and he was abusive towards her, both verbally and physically, though the latter was not as often. As you can see it's safe to assume my dad blames me for the divorce, but so does my mom. They think I'm spoiled and unrealistic, living in a fake world with an imaginary career.

I pick up my phone from where I left it on my bed and turn it on, notifications flooding my screen. I delete the unimportant ones, reply to some emails and text back a few people, leaving the best for last. I open the group chat with Timmy and Roxanne, reading over their texts, they were both going crazy over my ghosting of them. With a shaky breath I start tipping.

Me:

Sorry guys, was busy in the studio. Had an early fitting for the Oscars as well

RoxiBear🐻:

Girl you had us worried. Everything ok? I saw that garbage article.

Me:

Yeah I'm ok, I guess. I don't know.

Timmy💝:

Don't lie!

Me:

I don't know what you want to hear. None of what they said was true.

RoxiBear🐻:

I'm with Tim on this one, don't lie.

Me:

Idk what to say. Yeah I was alone w/ Austin and then w/ Joshua, but nothing happened. I don't think

Timmy💝:

You don't think?

RoxiBear🐻:

What does that mean?

Sighing I decide this is too much to be carried over text, so I FaceTime them. They both answer in an instant, Timmy seeming tired, already lying in bed and Roxanne waiting at the airport for her flight home. "So I took Austin out, to show him New York, but that was that. I'm not making moves on him" I roll my eyes at the stupid assumption. "And with Joshua, I think it was a date? He did give me this, that was true" I lift up my right hand and they gasp at the sight of the bracelet. "Definitely a date, girl and that looks so gorgeous, it's your style" Roxanne says, and Tim is quick to chime in. "Yeah I can confirm the dude likes you, he skipped flowers and went straight to the rocks." I laugh, brushing a hand through my hair. "I guess what bothered me most was them using those pictures of me and saying that I'm doing this because of the divorce, it's just. If I wanted it discussed over media I would've streamed it." They laugh a bit at that, but return to their serious demeanors. "Hon' I wish I was there to hug you!" Timmy says, sticking out his bottom lip. "I will, in a few hours, I'm taking my Uber straight to your place, so let the front desk know I'm coming." Roxanne says, before she drops her phone, making us all giggle. "Shit, gotta go, how can I be at the airport early and still get late on my flight, fuck me! Bye, love you!" She waves quickly, ending the call, leaving just me and Timmy.

His knowing eyes watch me through the screen, but I know I have to cut this short, the dark circles under both of our eyes, prove that we need more sleep. "I hate to cut this short- " he breaks to yawn and as on cue I do the same. "-but I have early call time tomorrow. I just want you to know, that I'm with you no matter who you want?" This makes the hair on the back of my neck stick up. "What?" I ask almost scared of the answer. "Sweet dumpling, yesterday when we talked you had this light in your voice, now call me crazy and tell me that I'm wrong, but I do think that hanging out with Austin did it or maybe it was the anticipation of the date with Joshua? I don't know, but sis, you sounded alive, for the first time in months. So, and I know Roxi, would agree, have your fun, turn a blind eye to all the gossip. Dating isn't bad, neither is making new friends, so whichever you decide Austin and Joshua are, I think you shouldn't overthink it." Smiling at him I dry my now damp cheeks, I don't know why I'm surprised he said these things, he's always been there and he's never judged me just like never judged him. "But I don't even know, what this is? Not Austin, not Joshua. I'm just, I don't understand. I've never-"

I can't find the right words to say, the matter is still very new and unknown to me. I think I like Austin, I mean there's definitely a lot to like, but then there are those things that should stop me, like the age gap and the girlfriend, doesn't matter that the relationship is fake, it still exists. And then there's Joshua, didn't write a song for him and I barely spoke to him, but he's sweet and does make my heart beat faster. Ugh I don't know what this is. Am I living a teenage drama show? Am I in a love triangle? No, I'm not, cause I'm not sure either of them like me the way I like them. "(Y/n)?! Still there?" Timmy waved his hand in front of the camera and I blink to bring myself back to this reality. "Yeah, no I'm here, I'm just..." letting the words fly in the air, I watch as Timmy looks at me a little worried. "Sweet sœr, I hope you know Matt called me, I was scared. Are you having those thoughts again?"

I look away, shy about my past, but knowing full well I have no reason to be, I look back at him. He's talking about the thoughts that inspired "everything I wanted". Back before the divorce, when I was still filming for Reconstructing Amelia, I was slowly sliding in a dark place, being in constant conflict with my parents, feeling alone, useless, stupid, meaningless. My life meant little to nothing to me back then, I had gotten so wrapped up in those dark corners of my mind, I don't know that I actually ever thought of doing anything to myself, but I was definitely thinking that if something bad were to happen I'd be ok with it. I made myself think it's ok to feel like that, but it's not, no matter what, your life should mean something to you. I am now in a stable place, my life means something to me, not much more than it used to, I'm still working on it, it's a long process. "No, double B, I'm not, I'm just tired and sick of everything. I wrote a beautiful song today, but you should sleep now, you look tired."

A smile creeps up on his lips, his white shiny teeth showing up. "Please tell me if that changes, I'll be there in a second." Shaking my head, I wipe some of my tears away. "I will, sleep well, sweet dreams!" We wave at each other and then end the call. I sigh throwing my phone on the bed and splay on top of the sheets, starting at the ceiling. With my eyes closed I can once again take myself back to that night, when we danced, drunk or red Shiraz wine, swaying to the sound of 'Are you lonesome tonight'. Humming to myself, I get up and change into my purple silk pajamas. Lost in thought I almost miss the phone buzzing. Answering the call without looking who it is first. As I pick it up and look at the screen, the fact that is yet another FaceTime call is obvious and mess of blonde hair is showing up on the screen.

"Hey there!" The breath gets caught in the back of my throat as I lock eyes with Austin through the screen. "Austin..." he chuckles at my dumbfounded face, almost like him FaceTiming me out of the blue is just as normal as drinking water. "Yeah, I just wanted to see how you were? Been thinking of you and I read that pice of shit of an article. I wanted to make sure you're fine" I'm still a bit confused about this whole interaction, not really sure if it's real or if sometime between talking to Timmy and changing I fell asleep, so now this is all a dream. A beautiful dream. I also try not to read too much into him saying he's been thinking of me. "(Y/n)?" Austin's voice grows concerned as I seem to be just a frozen image on his screen, unmoving and definitely not breathing.

Shaking myself up, I push some of my hair behind my ears. "Sorry, yeah, no. I'm, well, you know , right, I'm -" I'm fucking rambling nonsense. He licks his lips, catching the bottom one with his top teeth, the flesh turning white, as it's released from the tight bite. I swallow thickly, trying to gather myself up. Taking a deep breath. "Sorry, I'm tired. The article, was-" I pause searching for the right thoughts. "A misogynistic piece of shit." He finishes for me making me giggle. "Yes, that exactly." He seems to be happy that he's managed to make me smile, a pleased look on his face. "Busy day?" He asks and I nod.

"Fitting for the Oscars, then I was in the studio until a few hours ago." Austin hums low, that sound vibrating through me like electric current. "Anything I can hear?" The question catches me a bit off guard. "I get it if I have to wait with the rest till the album is complete and out, but I like hearing you sing." And this right here is what I meant when I said, I liked the way he played his game, because he's a master at making me fold. The blush that rose into my cheeks, a scarlet shade, painting my skin. "Wait here!" He laughs as I prop my phone up on my pillows and jump off the bed, to run into the living room and get my guitar.

"Ok, I'm back" I say jumping on the mattress, placing the guitar in my lap. "I can see!" He snickers, making me blush one more time. The soft pads of my fingers, brush the rough strings of the guitar, the simple cord progression filling the room with a beautiful slow sound. "Ok so this song is not done. I'm waiting for Finneas to come to New York next week and finish it." Austin nods, turning over in bed to lay on his side, one hand tucked under his head. Sleepy blue eyes staring at me. "Don't be that way, fall apart twice a day, I just wish you could feel what you say" I sing, harmonizing the words. "Show never tell, but I know you too well, Got a mood that you wish you could sell." Sighing I keep going, preparing myself for the dark and twisted chorus. "If teardrops could be bottled, there'd be swimming pools filled by models. Told a tight dress is what makes you... a whore" closing my eyes, I push back my feelings. "If 'I love you' was a promise, would you break it if you're honest? Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before"

"I don't want to be you anymore..." this is how far I've gotten to writing this one. Opening my eyes again, I look at Austin, but I'm not able to read anything about what he's thinking. "That was so beautiful." A relieved sound escapes my lips and I lick them before talking again. "Thank you, it's not really about runway models, I meant models, like, the people you look up to." He nods "Yeah I get that's it's about the pressure you're under when you're supposed to be some example for the world" blinking stupidly at him, I feel the kick of my heart against my chest, like a punch coming from the inside.

Placing my right hand on top of my heart, I massage slow circles into the muscles there, over my silk top. I see something in Austin's eyes change and if I didn't know any better I'd say it's jealousy? But that can't be it.

Looking down at the place where my hand rests on my chest, you can clearly see the bracelet Joshua gave me, but that upsetting him makes little to no sense, he clears his throat before speaking. "Did I get it right?" He asks, a tint of knowing in his tone. With a big smile on my face, I nod. Austin seems fairly pleased with getting the meaning of my song right.

In the silence that falls between us for a few seconds, my stomach growls and I pray he didn't hear it, but he did. "Did you eat today?" He asks and I try to hide my face in my shoulder, knowing how red it must be. It's embarrassing for my body to betray me like this. "No, I didn't have time" he sits up on his bed, ruffing up his curly hair. God how soft it look, I wish I could touch it.

"Go eat, it's not healthy to not eat." Sighing I look at my lap, running a list of everything I have in my fridge. There's plenty of food, but none of it sounds appetizing and I'd have to cook it, which I hate. "I'm not that hungry." As I say that, my stomach makes a point to growl again. "I think your body betrays you here." He says giggling. The sound of his soft laugh, bringing a smile to my face. "I'd have to cook, not my forte, I'll eat tomorrow." I try to reason, but it's clear he won't have it.

Austin stands up from his bed, confusing me a bit about where this is going. "Well I'm hungry as well, so why do we cook together?" He raises a brown at me, biting his lip in waiting for an answer, but he's already up and walking to his kitchen. I laugh and also drag myself off of the bed, to make my way into the kitchen. "Ok I'll trust you." He smiles from ear to ear, walking quickly through his house.

When the both of us are in the kitchen, I place my phone down, prompting it up on the counter against a jar of cat treats. "Let's make French toast? It's not hard." I shake my head before he gets a chance to defend the choice of food. "Ok not that, let's see..." he looks through his fridge and pulls out a cartoon of eggs. "Scrambled eggs?" Austin questions. "Yeah, that we can make." I say, going over to my fridge to get everything out.

After I lay everything out in front of me, looking at Austin expecting, waiting for me to tell me what to do, even though I actually know how to make eggs. "Ok put the pan on the stove, medium heat" I do as he says, following his steps, like I've never done this before, hoping he won't see through my little lie. "After it's warmed up, add butter and crack the eggs in it." Carefully I add butter into the pan and swirl it around to coat it evenly, then I crack two eggs and discard of their shells into the bin. "Good girl" I get goosebumps all over and it's a good thing I have my back to the phone cause I know that if he were to see my face right now, he'd catch me and my little crush. "Use the spatula to mix the eggs in the pan and break them into smaller pieces."

With a shaky hand I grab the spatula and do as instructed, staring into the pan, like it'll give me an answer, like those eggs would arrange themselves into a sentence and say: you're not dreaming, he likes you too. Suddenly I feel an itch all over my skin, like I miss something and when I realize what it is, it hits me like a train. Because it's his touch. I miss him. The way he swayed with me in my living room, like we had no worry in the world. "Show me." Austin demands and in a robotic stance I take the phone and turn the camera towards the pan. "You're a natural, add salt and pepper." I put the phone down, adding the seasoning as he said.

After a few minutes our virtual cooking class ends and we are sitting each at our table, in different states, looking at each other through a phone. "So when are you coming to LA for the Verity interview?" He asks eating some food. Putting some food into my mouth as well and chewing it carefully, I skim through my schedule into my brain. "Hm so today it the 28th, Oscars are on March 12th, I should be there on the 15th" I nod double confirming the information I just gave. "You'll have to come over, have dinner, I'll make you pizza in my stone oven, I bought this house especially for it, my ex's had one and in the beginning of quarantine I got addicted to it."

"Yeah I know, you told me you once cooked 20 pizzas in a day." I interrupt and he laughs drinking some water, leaving me staring at his Adam's apple moving up and down. "Yeah I guess I did, so are you coming?" Eating some more food into, I try not to seems so desperate about seeing him, so I struggle to be casual. "Sure, I will." Austin seems happy with the answer. "Great it's settled, I promise you, I'll cook you the best pizza you've ever had."

"Could you actually teach me how to make it? You're a good teacher." I ask. Austin seems a bit surprised at my request, but a wide smirk quickly appears on his face as he scratches his chin. " 'Course I'll teach you, we'll make it all, from the dough to the very end" I raise my brows at him, shocked at the extent of his love for cooking. "Hm ok then it's only fair I find something to teach you." I get up from the table and move over to the sink to rinse the plate and pan and put them into the dishwasher, cleaning after myself. "How about crochet?" He suggests, the fact that he remembered it is a hobby of mine, making my heart skip a beat. "Sure, I'll do it." I say drying my hands on a towel, folding it and placing it back in its place afterwards.

Taking the phone in hand and walking back into my room, I plop down onto the bed. "Was that a twilight poster I just saw?" Austin asks, a deep color flushing my cheeks. "Maybe" I bite my lip to stop my smile from getting too big and turn the camera around to show him my poster wall. "Wow, marvel, Disney, twilight, lady Gaga, Madonna, you've got all the goods." Austin's amazed tone makes me laugh. "Well what can I say, I like the things I like and I love posters, let me show you this one." I get up and take him over to the opposite wall to show him the huge poster I have of Elvis singing dressed in the leather suit, for the '68 comeback show. "I have that suit." Turning the camera quickly around so he could see my surprised face, I search his face for a hint that this is a lie, no way he just casually confessed to stealing such a piece.

"I'll show it to you when you come over, I have the movie replica of course, but still, it's beautiful." His raspy voice sounds so angelic, I could listen to it nonstop. "I can't wait for you to show me." I say jumping back on the bed. "You didn't show me your room, when I was over Saturday." Austin points out, pouting like a little child. "It escaped my mind, I guess" I try to play it cool, but he can probably see right through me, as he laughs. "I'm sure it did." A wide smirk stretching on his face.

I turn on my side in bed and put the phone down on some pillows, so he can see me without me having to hold the phone up. "So how about you, any interesting work in the future?" He shakes his head rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands. "Not for the moment, just press, but then I start working on Dune 2, in late August, so I guess that one will be exciting." I knew that, Timmy told me he was casted for a role in that movie, but I try to hide the fact that that was already known information for me. "Hm means you'll get to know Tim plenty." I conclude. "Yeah, I guess I will. Though I'm not sure he likes me, that much." I shrug my shoulders, knowing that's only half true. "It's my fault though, I kind of, you know"

"Dated his ex?" I finish for him, as he nods. Austin's lips stretch out in a thin line, he seems fairly embarrassed by the fact that I knew about him and Lily-Rose. "Well Timmy will get over it." Relieved he lets out a breath that gets caught in his lungs midway, following my next words. "If you are on your best behavior" I push my lips together trying to hold my laughter in, but failing miserably as a fit of laughter shakes my body and he follows suit joining me. "Your laughter is so beautiful." I stop laughing and look at him wide eyed, he seems just as surprised as me, that those words came out of his mouth. Austin moves his mouth open and closed like he's trying to say something, but nothing comes out and I'm holding my breath, scared that if I were to breathe right now, this whole moment would vanish. "Thank you." I whisper, placing the backs of my hands on my cheeks, feeling how hot the flesh is burning.

Neither of us knows how to move on from what just happened, but we have to bounce back. He has a girlfriend and I'm, well, I guess I'm just me. William jumps up on the bed and comes to snuggle close to me, getting in the camera view. A wide grin shows up on my face as I pet the cats fur and it immediately starts purring. "Hey there good boy." Austin says, as William turns his small head towards my phone, sniffing at the screen, before burying his face in my neck, making me giggle at feeling of his wet nose against my warm skin. "He likes me" Austin states proudly, smiling from ear to ear. Just then a yawn goes past my lips and in true lady fashion I cover my mouth with my hand.

"You're tired and I'm keeping you up." He says sounding disappointed. It's then that I look at the time and see it's now almost midnight, means I should probably get back to sleep as I have yet another early morning tomorrow. "It's fine-" "Oh god I'm so stupid, it must be midnight in New York right now, I'm so sorry." He interrupts me, apologizing for not taking into account the three hours difference. The way he seems so upset with himself, raises a new feeling within me, again a very unknown, very warm feeling, indescribable by all means. "You should be sleeping" now Austin's voice sounds almost scolding, like he's somewhat directing the loosing track of time on me as well. I feel small and bring my knees up to my chest, caging William in between my torso and legs. "I'm sorry, it's my fault, I should have thought about time difference." Austin sighs, dragging a hand over his face. "I just, I don't know, I got home and picked up the phone, calling without thinking."

"It's ok Austin, no harm was done, plus if it weren't for you, I probably would've gone to sleep without eating." The features on his face don't soften, if anything they grow more stern. "I'll take that win, but you should know that's not ok, you should be eating!" He seems to be slowly relaxing and coming back to his jovial stance. "Anyway guess it's time I let you sleep. Sweet dreams, my darling!" He puts three fingers up to his lips, kissing then and blowing the kiss to me. My heart starts racing and my cheeks flush a deep burgundy color. "Goodnight Austin!" I say and end the call with a small wave.

After the call is ended, I shift on my back and hold the device close to my heart. "My darling" I whisper, as if the words were a sacred spell. He called me darling and he called me his. The ceiling is spinning and I feel light headed. I can feel the irregular thud of my heart against my breast bone and I struggle to get my breathing back to normal. I feel like I'm flying. Is this how having a crush feels like? Like you're drunk? Not that I've ever been drunk, but I've been tipsy in the past and it feels like that, only stronger.

Closing my eyes I dive back into my memory of his soft lips against my cheek, the way it felt as the little wet spot left behind dried. I go back to his flaming hands on my waist, missing the weight of them. I remember the way my cheek rested so perfectly against his chest as he held me close, like we were two puzzle pieces, designed to fit together.

I'm woken up from all my dreaming as the phone vibrates against my chest, my excitement picking up, thinking it might be Austin. The notification is not from him, but it still has the power to get me to blush even harder, if that were possible. Joshua's name shines on the screen and I open the text.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Hi, sorry for not calling today as I promised and sorry for the late hour, I just got back to my hotel from a gig.

Me:

No worries, I don't mind the hour.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Let me make it up to you. Are you free tomorrow?

Me:

Sure, I think I can manage some free time around noon.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Perfect, how about a walk in Central Park?

Me:

That's my favorite place in the city.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Ha lucky me, seems like I guessed right and you'll be sharing that secret place with me after all. I count on you for a tour💟

Me:

You've got it. Good guess by the way. Hope your gig went well. Did you have fun?

🎶Joshua🎶:

Yes!!! it was amazing, I love playing in front of my fans. I have another one Thursday night, you should come.

Me:

Hmm 🤔 sure I'll be there.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Ok I'll sing my best! I should let you sleep now. Have a nice sleep, honey💟

Me:

I'm 100% sure you'll do great. Get some sleep as well, it's late. Gn💟

I lock my phone and place it on my nightstand, trying the relax enough, so that I could get some well deserved sleep, but I'm wide awake. Wide awake thinking of how my mind keeps circling back to every pet name Austin and Joshua use with me, struggling to convince myself they are just verbal ticks and not a real signs of affection.

Pushing my face harder against the pillows, I count my breaths, slowly coming down to sleep. But before I fall into complete darkness a flash of color splashes in front of my eyes, it's blue, a shiny Egyptian blue - his eyes.

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[suhaniii10]

I packed my bags and boarded the plane. It was the sensible thing to do, considering my 20s were moving way too fast and I hadn't accomplished anything worthwhile still. I felt this incredible anticipation to reach my destination and was delighted when the plane landed half an hour early. You see, I imagined moving cities would suddenly erase all that was holding me back. 'Onwards to a better life', they said and I hoped.

Stepping out of the airport, straight in the lap of this new city I could not help but wonder what the next year is going to look like. The thoughts in my mind ran through at 100 miles an hour- new people to meet, places to visit, local food to be had. And then the other kind, the slow thoughts that run like an 80s slideshow- the mortifying ones. Anxiety about making a career from scratch and living alone in a city where I knew not a single soul crept in.

The blank canvas that was my apartment stared at me. The excitement of finally having a place all to my own was immense. I could decorate it to my liking, give it a character it lacked at the moment. The 100 miles an hour thoughts again- Amazon Wishlist filled with home decor items, Pinterest mood boards, room transformation videos. Stubborn thoughts setting up expectations way ahead of any real work. I had always been like this- imagining the outcome even before I put pen to paper. Maybe that's why I was easily disappointed and lost interest in things when they didn't go a certain way, the way I'd imagined. But now, there was no going back. No safety net to fall back on. I'd come thousands of miles away from home to make a 'life'. What that meant, I still have no clue.

One week in and I was set. The Pinterest-y home was coming to life and I enjoyed my own company much more than I thought I would. Exciting days were ahead of me. This is all that I wanted. Or atleast I thought I did. Why did I have this stinging feeling at the back of my mind of not being where I belonged? I, somehow, loved and hated this new city. 'This is natural because it's your first time being so far away from home. It'll take some time.' I convinced myself.

It's been a year and I'm still convincing myself. I've grown to like this city but my heart still sobs like a baby when I can't visit home for small festivities, when I miss my favourite local street food joint, when school friends visit home and give updates about how our small town has changed. I have found replacements in this city for almost all the things I miss from back home. They still don't suffice.

Maybe this is what making a 'life' is. Moving away from home in hopes of a better future and then trying to find that same home in the place I ran off to. Yearning to go back but not having the courage to uproot the 'life' that I've created here because that'll just not be sensible. So, I wait for big festivals and important milestones to visit the one place in the world that satisfies my heart. Funny, isn't it? Now I desperately wish to go back to the same place I couldn't wait to get out of.

I have the outcome of my efforts in front of me and this time, I didn't run away. I made it turn out like I had imagined and somewhat made a 'life'. But what good is it if I'm still stuck in those slow thoughts that play like an 80s slideshow, only now the anxiety is about my home fading out in the background, leaving me all alone in this big, vibrant, city of dreams where my heart still fails to belong. Maybe this is what life is, an attempt at tackling adult problems governed by the mind, only to be defeated by the heart.

But don't take my word for it, I still have no clue what this darn thing is. I just wanna go home.