#to my abuser specifically: i hope you feel better. i hope you're able to see clearer and have found a better life.

[dimonds456]

Hate it when you're friends with an artist and then you have a falling out. Not because I miss that art specifically (though I usually do), but when their art crosses my dash again I get a spike of anxiety. It may not even be THEIR art, just their character or artstyle mimicry, and the anxiety returns all the same.

It's an instant reminder of what happened- all the negative outweighs the positive, in the end.

[mothwingwritings]

Your Yujiro x reader has been on my mind recently, and an interesting idea came into my head - what would happen if the reader somehow stumbled upon Yuichiro? What would he think of the whole situation, particularly because he is of a *very* different temperament than his son? Would he develop some sort of feelings for (reader)? I'm pretty sure Yujiro would be pissed to see his father meddling in things 😭

You're one of my fav writers on here!! Keep it up ❤︎ and make sure to take care of yourself ☺️

… I can’t believe I didn’t think of writing anything for Yuichiro before this ask lol. How could I write so much about the Hanma family’s favorite girl (you) and never mention Yuichiro???  Shame on me tbh, let’s change that now!

(And thank you for your kind words!!! You are very sweet! <3)

WARNINGS: Mentions of sex, noncon, past abuse, and stepcest.

If by some miracle act Yuichiro was able to obtain a corporeal form and once more walk amongst the living, he would be very intrigued by how far his lineage had come and what the Hanma’s were able to accomplish. Being the start of it all, he had a vague idea of how things most likely have progressed. There is no doubt that his unruly son has grown massively strong, and he’s sure that strength has caused countless problems for people near and far.

He was aware that Yujiro had children at this point, taking quite an interest himself in Baki and Jack’s development. Children weren’t always guaranteed to take after their parents, so it was always a delight when at least one of your offspring was able to carry on the family line with the strength and power you and your ancestors worked so tirelessly to cultivate. When Yuichiro found out that of all the children Yujiro had fathered, not just one, but two showed such immense potential? He was as pleased as he was proud, even more so to discover Baki and Jack lacked the level of belligerent arrogance that made their father an unbearably volatile presence to be around.

While he was taking note of his family line he happened upon a surprising outlier- you. He was at first puzzled by the fact that the Ogre, with all his rampant testosterone, was even able to produce a daughter. When he dug a little deeper and realized you were adopted into the family, while that in and of itself made sense, it left him with even more questions. Why would someone like Yujiro go out of his way to adopt someone else’s child, let alone a female, when he barely cared about the children he himself had brought into this world? Based on the limited knowledge he had of you, you didn’t have any kind of superior strength or secret, hidden abilities that may have spurred his son to take you under his wing. So how exactly did you become awarded with the name of Hanma?

The mystery became too intriguing to ignore, thus he sought you out.

The moment he saw you, he instantly began to understand your appeal. He kept his distance at first, not wanting to overwhelm you with his presence as he made his initial observations. From what he could gather, you were a thoughtful girl, kind and affable to your friends and strangers alike. He noted that you seemed a little jumpy, on edge in scenarios you should feel more at ease, and he worried that maybe he wasn’t concealing himself enough and you were catching on to his surveillance. You may not have Hanma blood in your veins, but you’ve been around them enough to recognize the specific aura they exude. He would need to be more careful, maybe conducting his research on you was best done through other means.

Hence, he decided to look into your relationships with his son and grandsons, hoping to get a better picture of who you were as a person and unravel the secret of how you became intertwined in their lives.

However, what he ended up finding out was not anything he ever expected.

As soon as he learned the horrific truth of how his family had handled you, the revolting nature in which not just his son, but his grandchildren, showed their ‘affection’ for you, he was at a loss for words. Yuichiro was beyond disgusted by their actions, particularly due to the fact that their aggressions were against an innocent woman who had no means of defending herself against the brutes that were incessantly at her heels.

Your jittery nature made complete sense now. You weren’t constantly on edge because you were a naturally excitable person- you were on edge as a defense mechanism. You had to be cautious around everyone for your own self-preservation, frightened that you may unwittingly be subjugating yourself and the people around you to extreme danger by being in a public space. The man who was supposed to be your father figure had assaulted you, hurting and scarring you in irreparable ways. The brothers that you loved and looked to for protection ended up having the same perversions as the man who had created them, betraying your trust in their attempts to force themselves upon you.

Disgusted wasn’t a strong enough word for what he had felt upon learning these revelations. His disappointment in his kin was immeasurable.

When he finally introduces himself to you, it’s apprehension that greets him in return. He can see the fear reflected in your eyes as you were faced with the instant realization of his strength the absolute power he held over not just you, but anyone who may step to him. Yuichiro was a complete stranger to you, in fact you probably hadn’t even seen a picture of him to make any sort of connection. But he could tell that within moments of making your acquaintance, you understood who he was. He was a Hanma, and therefore, he was a threat.

Seeing you cower before him, your whole body vibrating in a state of alarm, eyes darting around the vicinity as you tried to map an escape route should this meeting go south… it broke his heart. It wasn’t that he was immune to your charms, Yuichiro could definitely see the appeal of wanting to be close to you in an intimate manner, but to take you by force? To treat you so horribly, handle you so violently? It took all his power not to make his rage over the injustices you had faced show on his features, lest he frighten you further.

It took a while for you to warm up to him, but the relationship that blossomed was well worth the effort. You were a lovely person all around, beautiful in every sense of the word. The more he got to know you, the more he saw your true personality shine through, and the longer he spent with you, the more his affection for you grew.

Yuichiro had made his decision. You would be safe with him-completely and undeniably cared for under his watchful eye. He would be the father Yujiro never could be, the protector your brothers failed to be. He would become your family, a true family, and insure that you will never have to spend another day living in fear ever again.

In short, Yuichiro’s arrival would probably be the ONLY thing that would ultimately protect you from Yujiro and the rest of the Hanma family. This is great for you because he’s a man of his word, the moment you come under his care Yujiro’s entire existence is like a distant nightmare, and that is something you are exceedingly grateful for. However, you feel the absence of Jack and Baki much more profoundly, as you considered them to be your true family and still love them very deeply. Even though you know ultimately this arrangement is for the best, and you feel much safer and happier in Yuichiro’s care than you have ever felt with anyone else in your life, you still find yourself missing Jack and Baki greatly. Even with their betrayal shattering the last of your innocence, causing you deep and lasting scars, life without them still hurt, and you don’t think you’ll ever heal enough to ignore the pain.

… All this being said, it wouldn’t be on brand for me to answer this without fucking it up a little bit, right?

After some time living with Yuichiro, growing dependent on him for basic care and protection, his fondness for you begins to manifest in ways that are… shocking, even to Yuichiro himself. 

Maybe it was the long absence of a lover that began to steer his desires, or perhaps it was the sweet and selfless nature in which you offered your love to him? Who knew it would warm his heart so much to see you standing in the kitchen, sweet little apron tied around your waist as you hummed a little tune, hard at work preparing a new recipe you had picked out specifically to please him? All the little things you did without a second thought made is body and soul ache for you.

You were always cute, but when exactly did you become so irresistible to him?

It caught him off guard to feel a flutter in his stomach when he saw your smile or heard your laugh. At his age he figured he was far past feelings like this, especially with someone so much younger than himself, especially with you.

He didn’t expect the blush that dusted your cheeks when he entered the bath you were currently occupying to excite him as much as it did. He took great pride in the control he had over his body, keeping his emotions and desire in check was one of his strong suits. But seeing you there, bare and bashful, trying desperately to cover yourself while your eyes refused to linger on any part of his exposed body for too long… you were definitely testing his limits here, sweetheart.

Did you know how effortlessly beautiful you were? Did you realize just how tantalizing even the most innocent of your actions were? Would it upset you if he told you how pretty he found your body, as his eyes drank in every inch of skin you were working so hard to hide? Would it scare you if he helped you to understand just how much sway you had over not just his heart, but all of his wants and desires?

He had chided and scorned his family for their mistreatment of you, the sick, twisted feelings they pummeled you with not only threatened your existence, but were also a stain on the illustrious Hanma name. Yuichiro wanted nothing more than your happiness and your security, both were things he took great honor in providing to you, and he found his own joy in knowing you felt contentment with him after so much suffering. But he was starting to get an itch that was growing harder and harder to scratch. An itch he felt his kin was all too familiar with.

Maybe he’s not so different from his son and grandsons after all?

[matan4il]

Can't stop thinking about that poor French girl. Most of my friends didn't even have their periods at 12. We have been screaming ourselves HOARSE for months that "globalize the intifada" is going to come back to bite us...and now it's beginning to. They didn't listen to us then and they won't now. Instead, they let a child pay the price for the crime of being Jewish.

I remember back in early April I walked by a protest and I told a cop there what the phrase meant. She didn't even deign to look at me, instead she told me where I could counter-protest. That is not what I was asking about. No one is protecting us, yet they wonder why we feel safer and have an attachment to our home.

I haven't been able to visit home since the war started, I'll be there Sunday finally. And I can guarantee that I will be moving comfortable there, despite my half baked plan and no official place to stay.

I just don't know what we are supposed to be doing anymore. עד מתי??????

I can't stop thinking about that girl either.

I can't stop thinking about what it means that she knew she wasn't safe telling her boyfriend at the time that she's Jewish. I can't stop thinking about the fact that she was right, as he proved. I can't stop thinking about the kind of environment she grew up in, where she had grown so accustomed to antisemitic attitudes being the rule, that she didn't see that guy's antisemitism for the red flag that it is, and didn't stay away from him.

And I wanna make it clear, it is ABHORRENT that Jews should have to stop and consider just how much they're going to lose out on socially because of antisemitism. But it IS hard to constantly lose and miss out and be depraved of social rewards that others get just because you're Jewish, especially when you're 12 years old. So this responsibility lies on the hellish environments that push Jews to have to decide between being included and being safe.

That the specific way that this girl's abusers were violent with her for her Jewishness was sexual, committed by at least one person she intimately trusted, done as a group, and (from what I've gathered) in public, just makes the whole thing even worse, and I cannot stop grieving what was taken away from her, and what she will have to deal with for the rest of her life.

And I've heard from multiple sources that the perpetrators' phones had anti-Israel material on them. It was easy to guess, but it's still chilling to have that confirmed.

I am SO sorry that you had that experience of a cop not giving a damn about our safety as Jews. But yes, we absolutely cannot rely on anyone else for our protection, it's a part of why we need Israel. And there's only one place in the world where we can be safely and effortlessly ourselves as Jews. I'm so glad for you that you're coming home, and I also hope that if fellow Israelis see this, that maybe they can reach out and help, too.

אם יש כאן במקרה ישראלים, השמיעו קול!

As for what we can do, we can continue to live even when they don't want us to, we can go on supporting each other, we can thrive even when they think they've taken that option from us, we absolutely should educate ourselves continuously when our haters are relying on people's ignorance, and we must speak up where and how we can. Even if our reach is small, it's better than being silent. Not to mention, sometimes one person listening to you, if they're the right one, can make a much bigger difference than we could imagine.

I'm sending you lots of hugs and love! xoxox

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[beanghostprincess]

Sanji transitions to a woman living her best life with her crew. The vinsmokes find out the typical reactions indifference (They're kind of like kaido. Yeah, they're terrible, abusive, neglectful but they're not transphobic Jud is but the siblings are not).

Her sister is upset that she never got to spend time with sanji as sister.

Ichiji doesn't like that she looks so much like their mother it makes his feel something he doesn't know what it is happiness sadness maybe both but not enough to truly care about his sister.

yonji feelings are complicated. He's really angry, really angry. Looking at her bounty just makes him scowl she looks so nice and pretty. She also looks so happy and free not worried about judgment or slander from family and peers he hates it. He hates this weird feeling and he hates sanji. She's happy and living her life with her loving and accepting crew and he's stuck at home unable to open up about anything without backlash

( the weird feeling is envy specifically gender envy. Trans girl yonji she would be the most cold hearted girl on the planet but she'd be so pretty)

Niiji stopped caring about Sanji when she left the second time. Her being a girl now doesn't change anything and besides you could see the signs from mars of course she's a girl. He used to watch her play with her sisters doll all the time before throwing them in the moat

Jud nobody cares about his opinion

Transfem Sanji my beloved yayyyyy I love these asks!!!!!!

Reiju would be extremely happy for Sanji, of course, but a bit sad she couldn't be able to help her sooner. Because maybe- And this is unfair but- If maybe Sanji had been born a girl, perhaps Judge would've let some of the stuff she did slide the way she let Reiju be a little bit more emotional. Everything would've ended up the same, yes, but Reiju can't help but wonder. And also, she's dying to see her and her crew again to finally spend time with her sister. She isn't sure if she'll ever be able to do it, but Sanji's wanted poster kind of keeps her hopes up.

Ichiji is conflicted. Because he shouldn't care about Sanji at all. He doesn't care. Is she a girl now? Good for her. Whatever. She can do whatever the fuck she wants with her life. And yet he keeps finding himself staring at her wanted poster rather often, and seeing her mom in her. And he- He didn't care about his mom either. She's dead. It doesn't matter. But there's just something about Sanji now that makes him feel... Warm and melancholic and he hates it. He tries to avoid the subject completely.

Ohmygod- I love the idea of trans girl Yonji being jealous of Sanji's life and having gender envy. That's- That's so good. She shouldn't be able to feel like this and she should not want these things like her sister but she wants to be like that. Be free like that. And that makes her so, so angry and violent and she's constantly talking shit about Sanji only to feel better but it only makes her feel worse.

Niji is... Complicated. Because he doesn't care. But I think he'd also be jealous of her. Like- Jealous of her being happy and free. But he accepts it better than Yonji because Yonji goes all sentimental and violent and visibly jealous about it while Niji tries to be more like "Huh? I don't give a fuck about her. Why should I? Why do we even keep mentioning her? And besides, you didn't know she was a girl? It was obvious from a mile away. Not that I care. Because I don't care. She rejected our pretty kind invitation to the family again because she's an ungrateful bitch, anyway" but he actually does care and it frustrates him but, anyway, it's not like she's here anymore so he doesn't think about her. I also think he'd be annoyed about her looking like their mom btw he says she doesn't deserve it since it was her fault she died (and then he realizes what he said and he shouldn't have said it because in theory, he doesn't care about their mom dying).

And you're right, nobody cares about Judge. But I think it'd be funny if he complained about Sanji and misgendered her all the time while the siblings keep getting the pronouns right and they kind of... Defend her? To some extent? They start to develop stronger feelings as time passes by and I just think it'd be great for them to finally lose it with their dad because "at least she managed to find herself, we don't even know who we're supposed to be" and it doesn't matter which one of them says it, because it affects all of them equally and they have the biggest identity crisis ever only because their sister finally is happy and they want to be like that too.

[intimidating-fettuccine]

Can I ask about homicidal Liu, Sully and Jason with a reader who never learned to read or write?

It made more sense in my mind to put Liu and Sully together in this one, I hope that's alright

Liu/Sully:

I think it's fitting in this case that Liu assists you because as one of the designated older brothers in the mansion, he did help tutor some of the younger creeps who didn't get to finish their schooling before coming to the mansion. Liu is an excellent teacher, and he's very patient in helping you to learn how to do things. I feel like he'd set time aside for you every day so that he could watch over you and help you further your skills. Sully is not as good of a teacher as Liu, but he still tries his best to help you with anything he can. I feel like he would prefer to do the writing exercises with you, so you can just watch what he does and learn from him. He's not good with instructing or general teaching, but he can at least participate with you in a way like that. He does check in with you whenever he's the one out to see how you're progressing, and he is always proud of you and encourages you. I think it's also a little bit of a nervous thing for Sully, as in my canon Sully was developed as a coping mechanism for Liu when their mother would abuse him, more specifically in her "teaching" Liu, so he just likes to quietly watch over you, even though he knows you won't have to go through that. Liu is always very kind when he teaches you, and he always makes sure to go at your own pace and provide rewards when you make a lot of progress. He also doesn't want you to ever have to be in a situation like he was, and so he makes sure you're actually enjoying yourself when you learn to read or write from him, instead of feeling like it's something you're forced to do.

Jason:

Jason is actually incredibly prepared for this. In my canon, Jason was originally crafted as a life-size mechanical toy helper in the Overworld to help children in toy shops and one of his tasks actually happened to be helping children with their learning. Of course, the situation is much different as you're both adults, and you're not just going to spend like 30 minutes with him and that be it, but nonetheless, he is more than happy to help you. Like Liu, he'd set aside a chunk of time every day so that he could help you, and he's actually a much better teacher than one might originally assume. Whenever he's helped anyone else he's always rigid and strict, but his love for you brings out his softer side, and he's very sweet and gentle as he teaches you. I can see him literally going all out and making a lesson plan and getting you a bunch of helpful books and essentially becoming an actual teacher, because he loves you so much and he wants to help you in any way that he can. It gives him a reason to spend more time with you, and so he's more than happy to assist you in learning anything that he can, it brings him a lot of joy to see you improving and taking his lessons seriously, it makes him all mushy inside and happy to feel like he has a purpose with you. He also rewards you for any progress you make, and he praises you constantly for how well you're doing, always saying he's so lucky to have you and to be able to be here to help you with this. You'll be well taken care of under Jason's tutoring, with his good teaching and constant affection during lessons.

[furiousgoldfish]

How do you continue to function when you're so burnout for decades long it paralyzed you from working properly? Ngl my life is a whole mess after 10 years trying to survive from my abuser. and I still don't know how to get back on my feet again without having a mental breakdown several times a week and feeling suicidal on top of it

and I'm too ashamed to talk about it to people, i did talk, they were understanding at first, but that doesn't stay long. You can only cry and whine once, after that, you're burdening them with your loads.

They'd say you continue fighting no matter what still and I do, fight still everyday in my life even if it's getting up from bed. But what I can't do is going to work, I just can't, it doesn’t help that i experience abuse too from the place i work at, had to quit abruptly at one occasion after the boss got physical with me

In this survival state, I mostly earned money from freelance job (and obviously it's not enough)

Everyone I'm close to is very frustrated with me because I didn't seem to be healed even though it's been this long. What I learned from it is that not to bring up my pain ever again and have to pretend I'm doing fine because that's what my family and friends can tolerate. That kind of isolation kills me, as if they didn't consider that i want to be healed too. no one else wants to survive my trauma more than me. I just don't know how and I can't see how it's possible.

Yeah I relate to this! It is very scary to be expected to be able to work and live independently while you're barely holding it together, unable to get up from bed.

I can only share my experience of this, and maybe it's not that helpful, but I want you to know that it can get better, and that people are wrong for expecting you to suddenly be okay after the experience of torturous abuse.

When I escaped, I had enough money from freelancing saved up so I could just rest for a few years (it was stressful, being scared the money would run out), but I was able to indulge fully in resting and not getting up when I didn't want to. I spent years just laying in bed and trying to work trough the trauma and get the feelings of pain and terror out, and it worked to some extent, I started feeling a little less tired after three years!

I started working very infrequently, odd little jobs, helping neighbours for a bit of money, helping the disabled people or cleaning when I could, and it would just be a few hours of work, and I'd be completely drained after that. But again, giving myself plenty of space and time to rest helped me a lot, and then later working on my osdd also helped me restore some of the energy.

I can work only 2-3 days a week now, for a few hours, and it's enough to survive in poverty, if I don't buy anything, so this is what I do. I'm lucky that I'm able to share my bills and rent with roommates and make my own food, and that I'm so used to poverty it doesn't specifically bother me. I still get sad sometimes that I can't have an actual real job and live more safely, but I'm alive, I'm not tormented, and I spend a lot of time resting, and just tell people 'I'm sick' if they ask questions.

I think freelancing, doing a few hours of work infrequently or just slowly letting yourself recover until you can do something for a bit worked great for me, but I also understand it's not something that will work for anyone. If you're stuck not being able to save up, or work enough that you could pay even a part of your rent, that feels debilitating and scary, it doesn't let you plan for the future, it doesn't feel like you can even complain to people as they're unwilling to listen. I am so sorry for what you're going trough, it's legitimately a bad situation, and it's only natural for you to struggle like this after so much abuse. I believe you need to have as much rest as you need and if one day you get a little better, you might be able to figure it out, and if not, I hope at least people take you more seriously and understand that this is real pain, real fear of losing a future over abuse.

[johannestevans]

Hi! I just happened to see your post from 2023 about vaginal atrophy and it's such a eye-opener! I've been struggling with it for a while now (as an asexual afab with a male partner... Let's say that feeling uncomfortable and too tight during intercourse is my normal) and I suspect it must have to do something with my contraception ring, but all I got from my gyn was to use lube and that I'm only too tight (sometimes even putting ONE finger in to put the ring in irritates my entrance, but I need it to not have painful periods and diarrhea) because I only see my partner 1-2 monthly, so I'm not constantly used to stimulation, according to him. I've caught a candida infection recently (with no previous history of it) and I had had struggles with my vaginal ph nearing that of menopausal women before, but all I got from my doc were a cream (once! And he said that if it comes back I'll need extensive medical therapy) and every time I complain of any symptoms I get boric acidic vaginal insertions (idk the word, that cone thing which you have to insert then it melts and gets absorbed) which feel like inserting chili peppers and I'm struggling to keep taking that for even a week, so I never finish the whole pack. Your post made me realise that I might need to ditch my obgyn (and get a female one). I hope it's not my ring that is causing my athropy though since he never recommended oral contraception cause of my history of mental illness, which he says would be negatively effected by the greater hormonal swings of the pill. But at this point, I'm not sure if that's not him being misogynistic again lol. Anyways, your post kept me from gaslighting myself about my worries so thanks ❤️ I'm wishing all cis and trans vagina owners less struggling and better doctors! You deserve it.

Post on Vaginal Atrophy.

Vaginal tightness can absolutely be impacted by how regularly you're using the muscles and by extension how often you're having sex, but to be so tight as to have difficulty inserting your finger as a constant is definitely a sign that something might be up!

Extreme tightness can be a symptom of vaginismus as well as vaginal atrophy - "vaginismus" like other vulvodynic conditions is kind of used as a catch-all term for tightness that doesn't have a specific diagnosable cause. Mine improved considerably when I started testosterone (which improved my arousal, my blood flow, and probably impacted my feelings of gender dysphoria) and then cleared up almost entirely when I started receiving counseling for my experiences of child sexual abuse.

The thing is though, while vaginismus is often assumed to be caused by psychological issues and concern, it is the basic responsibility of a medical care provider to eliminate potential physical causes before immediately sweeping to diagnoses of the psychological and psychosomatic.

This sort of involuntary tightening of the muscles can be something to look out for particularly when you're under stress or feeling anxious about penetration, sure, but what you're describing does sound like you're immediately getting irritation and discomfort rather than just physical muscle tightness, and even if it's not an ongoing atrophy, it certainly sounds potentially like a lubrication issue or an issue with the sensitive mucous membranes around your vagina.

Absolutely get another gynecological consult if you can, and yes, woman doctors are always a good shout over men, especially in these fields - they're not perfect, of course, but definitely bring up your concerns and ask them to have a look at your medical notes and see if anything specific rings a bell.

Remember when you do for a vaginal exam that if you're particularly anxious about penetrative exams themselves, you can often ask in advance for a paediatric speculum which is generally a lot smaller than the regular specula, and a lot of doctors are able to apply a topical anaesthetic to aid the internal exam. When I went for a pap smear when my vaginismus was quite bad I had the topical anaesthetic in combination with an oral muscle relaxant as well - your doc should be able to provide more info if this is a concern for you.

Good luck, Anon, and I'm so, so sorry your doctor has been so shitty, it's honestly so common for doctors to routinely dismiss vaginal pain and especially vaginal tightness and to immediately work on the "problem" of how open that vagina is to presumed men's penetration of it rather than the actual vagina owner's comfort, safety, health, and pleasure.

[suzukiblu]

holy fucking HELL I'm so glad you're writing something that addresses the knockout and rex thing. that was so Fucked up and he never got help for it I can't wait for a fic where he does omfg. it really did mess him up and set the base of his character and people either don't address it or address it very badly.

like i got into writing (65th fic currently time FLIES) because of a. this character and b. you and to see you writing something I've been wanting to for so long is. yes.

Oh, that's really nice to hear, I hope you're having a good time with writing! Well, sixty-five fics in you'd better be, or fandom is letting you DOWN, hah.

And ahhhhh, yeah, depending on the fic I do swing between "Kon def got abused and taken advantage of and everyone in canon acted like it was fine despite repeated evidence to the contrary, oh my god it was NOT FINE and still isn't!!" versus taking canon at face value on things like Clark "Responsible For Everyone In The World But This Specific Teenager" Kent not immediately PERSONALLY taking in the whole-ass MINOR someone made in HIS LITERAL IMAGE when he is also an adopted person with superpowers who is intimately aware of the effects of nuture on a person, but I do always find it really interesting to take on more, like, real-world approaches. Okay, sure, in COMICS it's fine if you let a month-old teenager become a teen heartthrob superhero with no secret identity or civilian life, okay, but also oh my god Tana Moon is TWENTY-THREE, Roxy is ALSO a teenager who knows like nothing, and Knockout is KNOCKOUT, and Dubbilex has barely been out of the lab himself and Rex Leech is explicitly an easily blackmail-able sleazeball with serious debts to seriously bad people and THIS KID IS FIVE MINUTES OUT OF THE CLONING TUBE JFC CLARK WHAT ARE YOU CANONICALLY THINKING HERE.

I could scream about Kon's entire existence 5ever but when GREEN ARROW is better at taking responsibility for his sidekicks, you are in a BAD place, ethically-speaking. AT LEAST GREEN ARROW FEELS EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS BEYOND THE VAGUE AFFECTION YOU'D OFFER A STRANGER'S MODERATELY CUTE PUPPY TO HIS SIDEKICKS. AT LEAST GREEN ARROW DOES THAT.

Admittedly Clark just kinda sucks at taking responsibility for his fellow S-wearers in general, in my experience of him? Except when they need punched/lectured out of the heavily-foreshadowed emotional crisises that he could've just, like, NOT neglected them into with literally just a weekly phone call's worth of relationship maintenance, of course. Except for then.

. . . I may be biased here but seriously, Clark, please talk to Kon/Kara/Karen/literally anyone not Lois or your parents for more than five minutes a crossover event. The non-human people need you too, you FUCKING MORON!! Superpowers don't mean they don't ever NEED YOU!!!!

/screams into pillow about Clark Kent's personal self-image and feelings about his powers and how that all affects the way he treats other Supers and his opinions on them and just AHHHHHHHHHH--

[butch-reidentified]

wife & I finally watched Killing Eve, and I am just utterly 🤯 by how much of myself I see in Villanelle. the nuances of her reactions, her sense of humor, interpersonal relating, etc., all of it is genuinely deeply relatable. it's the first time I've ever actually truly related to a fictional character overall, rather than just 1 or 2 aspects of a character. as weird as it sounds, it feels like actually very wholesome representation? honestly, I've never really understood why people get attached to fictional characters and even kind of used to make fun of it. I never felt like there was much to relate to. but my wife and I both see it, this dude they consulted for her on-screen character obviously really knows his shit (yeah, this dude, fucking somehow).

him???? kinda pissed ngl. and I'm definitely gonna contact him lmao

but it's undeniable. it's most clear in the subtlest little moments, the little things she does like dumping salt on the curly fries she's sharing with Eve as a playful reaction to an "offensive" joke, the pranks she plays on Konstantin, the things she finds funny, the lack of response when her life is in danger, being ambivalent about prison. and of course the bigger things are just as accurate, and so much better done than any other media portrayal I've seen before. the constant need for escalating stimulation, the s-tier "commitment to the bit" regardless of the situation, the curiosity about herself, the boredom and resulting curiosity about the "normal" human experience & wondering if you can be like them - maybe even convincing yourself for a while, the truth of having some people truly matter to you but at the end of the day you know you're still able to hurt them, the enjoyment of social game-playing - specifically with others who are also knowingly playing social chess* (manipulating unaware people is not entertaining & frankly reminds me of the ways men tend to seek affirmation of their power/superiority by "punching down").

*and enjoying working + thriving in fields where this is required of EVERYONE

I'm posting this a bit late at night in the hopes it's mostly seen by the mutuals who actually come to my blog not just see this on dash, bc this /is/ weird as fuck for me & I'm not super stoked about EVERYONE seeing this, but I have made a commitment on here to challenge myself with consistent and total honesty to the best of my ability. it /is/ disorienting and exciting in its own odd way. but I'm not sure I hate it.

oh, and in s4 when she kills a bunch of women's abusers? the implication throughout the show that she DOES feel some type of way about (at least) 1 moral issue - misogyny? fuck OFFFFF bro wtffff

[queermania]

I think you don't really understand what it's like to be an adult that grew up with your bodily autonomy repeatedly violated and in a situation of extreme psychological abuse. Those types of things warp your experiences when you're an adult. Sam had his autonomy violated as an infant and it colors everything that happens to him after. He spends the rest of his life trying to regain his autonomy and it's understandable that there are times he would want to give-up because that's how that kind of abuse warps your brain. He should be able to be open about that without having his autonomy taken away.

1. you are making assumptions about my life and my experiences simply because i have not come to the same conclusion about something as you have. but you have no idea what experiences have shaped the way i approach this issue. and frankly, it's a little insulting that you think you do.

2. your experiences and your feelings about those experiences do not change what is actually happening to you. they influence how you react to what is happening to you. the fact that sam had his autonomy violated at any given point in time does not mean that it's happening again every single time something bad happens to him.

3. there's this concerning view that a lot of sam stans seem to have that because sam was a victim when he was a baby, he is now and forevermore a victim in perpetuity. he has no personhood and it's not possible for him to ever have any agency. he is tainted and he's going to spend the rest of his life repenting for something that happened to him. and you know, i kind of get it, because that is clearly how sam feels about the situation. but that doesn't make it the truth.

and if that's something you relate to, that's great! it's wonderful to find characters and stories that we see pieces of ourselves in. but i hope one day you're in a safe enough place, both mentally and materially, that you are able to accept that a.) you don't need to repent for the things that were done to you b.) no matter what's been done to you (or even what you've done), you are still a person deserving of all the love and respect that everyone else is and c.) your past traumas do not absolve you from your current and/or future choices.

4. it sounds like you're implying that sam should be able to follow through on suicidal thoughts and it's a violation of his autonomy that other people (usually dean) prevent that. this is a very complex issue in the real world where a lot of people feel like they can't be open about their struggles for fear of being locked up (in places that absolutely do violate your autonomy) and i sympathize with that. but we're talking about a fantasy show where sam's suicidal ideations were the effects of what was more or less a supernatural curse.

and even if that wasn't true, i still don't think letting someone die because they think it's the only way they can ever make up for the things that have happened to them (or even the things they've done) is... okay? people deserve the chance to get better, even when that seems like an impossibility, and not letting someone take that chance away from themselves is not a bad thing.

now, if you want to talk about the state of mental health care in the world, let's talk about that. but you're never going to convince me that letting someone give in to their most self-destructive impulses is how you respect their agency.

5. i just want to reiterate that nobody is saying that sam's autonomy isn't violated at various points throughout the show. the argument was that it's not violated any more than any of the other main characters, despite the fandom treating it as a sam-specific issue. that's literally it.

[compassionatereminders]

my understanding of stimulants is that, they don't tend to discriminate on whether you 'really' have adhd. they tend to make you more focused, happier, more productive, whatever even if you're 100% neurotypical. i don't think it's that useful to hinge it around that, but it IS notable that obviously ppl w/ adhd have more to gain because their baseline of functionality with this specific sphere of cognition is lower.

i think the big questions are moreso "do i have more to gain than to lose in terms of the strain stimulants put on the brain/body, am i just being a cog in the capitalist machine, will this just lead to burnout because i'm increasing my demand for [activities], will this help my addictive tendencies or make them worse"

and that last question is relevant too! it's been shown that people w/ adhd who are treated have SUBSTANTIALLY less issues with substance use/abuse, because they're not seeking out other ways to feel better anymore

also like. yeah. some of the questions you may come across can only be answered by trying them out consistently and seeing what the response is. raising/lowering dose, trialing different medications, immediate/extended release, stuff like that.

can you tell i am a little scatterbrained. sorry

First of all there is absolutely no risk of me ever being a cog in the capitalist machine, as I am already on disability benefits. But even if I do not have the exact configuration of cognitive impairments named ADHD, I do have significant cognitive impairments in a lot of the associated areas. So either way I'm definitely not an abled person aiming to exceed baseline functionality, even if it turns out ADHD isn't my exact cognitive struggle. What I am hoping for here is basically an increase in cognitive functioning which will give me a somewhat easier time doing stuff and working on myself. But the neurotypical baseline definitely will not be within reach, even if I truly don't have ADHD

[crisalidaseason]

Greetings for you

I came here from your platonic posts and wanted to say thank you for writing stuff like that, I get pretty tired of searching the tags and finding nothing but porn. I don't know if you are receiving questions but I really wanted to see your take on platonic relationship with Levi, as a brother or a best friend you choose

Say nothing more, platonic Levi is my passion. Hope you enjoy it! Also, sorry for the delay, I almost had my liver stolen by a duende.

Platonic! Levi x reader

Cw: canonverse, Levi is traumatized, Levi is a little bit parentified, reader is portrayed as being younger (a cadet), attempted funny moments, Levi is a bit of an old man at heart

He is a tough cookie. He is difficult to connect with, his personality is not the most pleasant and he is demanding. Which means you won't have special treatment in the beginning and much like everyone else, you feel a little intimidated by Levi. But, you also noticed that he is not disrespectful, nor does he abuse his power over the cadets. Despite his mean first impression, Levi seems to be a man of honor and values and that sparks your curiosity to know him better.

Connecting with Levi is possible. Hange did it, everyone can do it. But he has a soft spot for people who enjoy tea time -and also knows how to brew it correctly - he likes silent companionship and quality time. He is not against people around him, but he likes a calm and quiet ambiance. He likes strategy games but not many people play with him and that's how you strike his interest.

"I've been playing for a few years now" he would say whenever you lost the first few rounds "have patience, I can teach you some tactics"

Whenever the night is difficult for both of you, tea and a tactic game is your bonding time. He did teach you some important observation skills that only an experienced captain would acquire. He is a good teacher, patient and precise with his words, but he also learns with you. Levi never seemed to underestimate anyone despite his mean face and scary aura, he always treated you and the other cadets as fully capable of things.

Levi is very observant, but a bit confused with the younger cadets actions and even expressions. Whenever the teenagers he is unfortunately taking care of come up with a new stupid game or an out of pocket gossip, Levi looks at you with the "what the fuck is happening" eyes. You explain to him, but he remains confused, shaking his head as if he was dealing with idiots.

You make him tea before your sleep curfew. Levi is a difficult person to change routines, but you try to introduce him a new kind of tea once in a while. In the beginning he would look at the mug with utter distrust, taking an almost inexistent sip and taking a bit too long to give you a final judgement.

"not bad" he would say "but I still prefer black tea"

And then he would come out of nowhere one night and ask:

"do you still have that lemongrass tea from a few weeks ago?"

Levi is a very disturbed man, but he learned not to show. Even his night terrors are contained. Unfortunately that strains him in many ways. He is constantly under a chronic pain from muscular tension. Because of that, he is quick to notice when your own feelings start to spill on your physical health.

"the doctor is in our base this week, go" he would randomly say to you one morning.

"but-"

"it's an order from your captain, go"

When your personality is down, he also notices. Despite him never being able to open up, he is a good listener and he is also good with advice. It's not pretty, he does say things you don't wanna hear, things you need to accept before it consumes you, but he waits for a better moment to tell you. When you're emotionally devastated he just listens, offering you a tea or any other beverage of preference, scheduling specific work activities he knows you enjoy doing. Levi is discreet with his help, making it seem like you just trauma dumped on him.

"I'm sorry, captain. Didn't mean to just rant about my life"

He would dismiss your worries with a hand gesture.

"it's not good to keep it in, it lowers your performance on the field"

He lies. You know he keeps everything in, but you appreciate him wanting to help you.

He hates messy places, and you often try to clean things before he arrives. Unfortunately Levi is extremely particular with cleaning and you accepted that he will end up finding something wrong. Levi does take time to teach you though, even if he ends up doing it himself later on (when you're not watching). It's a psychological thing.

"tsk, I'll have to teach you how to mix up bleach"

"cotton rags is for wood, newspaper for glass"

"Come here, I wanna see you doing it"

"Yes, circular motions, softly. You're cleaning, not sanding the dust off.

"NO, don't touch the bleach without gloves!!"

Whenever your squad goes to town and Levi is there, he looks like a dad monitoring a toddler. Cadets are rarely granted free time to wander around and you kinda go overboard on visiting shops and squares.

"you have one hour to return to our meeting place or else I'll hunt you down and make you clean the basement with Jaeger"

He ends up either staying nearby or straight up following you if something is off. He is paranoid ok? Give him a break.

He is such an irritating injured man. He hates being reminded of meds time, wound cleaning. He does it all, but complaining the entire time.

"captain, the more you let the nurse change the dressing the faster you heal" you try to convince, but he still frowns.

The good side is that he has more time to play games and rest. But at the same time you become his messenger bird.

"deliver this to Hange, but only to Hange!"

"fiiiineeee"

He does it on purpose, you think. Just to make you leave and stop watching over him all the time.

If you're injured, he is equally as insufferable. Asking the nurse to check on you hourly. Making you drink atrocious potions he bought from the market. He might think Hange is insane, but he looks just like them while threatening you to drink from the spoon.

"it's just medicine! you either drink it or I'll force it down your throat"

Such a sweetheart isn't he?

[many-but-one]

Do you have any advice for how to approach a situation where you find out that the system is much bigger than you originally thought and there has been like another group of people functioning deeper inside your mind because I just found out that our system runs so much deeper than I thought it did and it's kinda freaking me out.

Thanks

(Also I love your blog)

Hey anon,

I've had this in my ask box for a few days trying to figure out how to answer this in a way that would be helpful and insightful. A big goal of mine for my future is to be able to educate people and help people with and without CDDs who are in places that I or my wife/friends may have been in the past. This situation you're describing is something I went through right around mid August. The only reason I actually know when I started learning these things was because I have a frantic email I sent my therapist with the subject line "Ah shit, here we go again" with a screenshot of that very quote from GTA. It's an inside joke between our therapist and I because it seems like whenever something really wild happens that I really didn't see coming I preface with "Ah shit, here we go again." and that's how she knows it's going to be a doozy of a session or email.

(small TW ahead for mentions of unaliving oneself, nothing detailed, just mentioned)

So in all honesty I feel like I don't have super proper advice for you in this regard. Not in the way you may have been hoping or wanting, as I am still new to learning parts and subsystems. I know about four subsystems right now, other parts keep alluding to something else that's hidden from me that's like a Big thing, and it's a...it's a lot! I understand how you're feeling to some degree here. The very first time I started piecing together the subsystem stuff I swore I was ready to do the unalive. And uh, unfortunately, I almost did because of parts who were created to commit suicide in this very instance. I wasn't supposed to know about that stuff. Past suicide attempts seem to line up with that same narrative. Every time I was learning something I was not supposed to know, one of our secondary gatekeepers would throw a suicidal alter into the front and essentially let it happen. Thankfully, we've had either our spouse or other alters be able to step in at the last second, parts that don't want these things to occur. We're working on deconstructing that particular program now and it's been fairly successful, thankfully.

I talk about that not because I think all systems with subsystems or whatever happens going on in your system have suicide programs, but because this information you are suddenly learning is likely meant to be hidden. Subsystems typically don't occur for shits and giggles. From my limited knowledge (reminder, I am not a professional at this so if anyone has better info than me or any additional info or resources, please say so) of subsystems, typically they form for specific purposes. One purpose could be to separate various traumas at different time periods of the system's life. So for example, we have an entire subsystem (our largest subsystem as far as I know) dedicated to our very early life trauma that began long before our RAMCOA type abuse occurred. Those things happened likely around the ages of 3 to 5. The RAMCOA abuse occurred around age 7 or so, as far as I'm aware. None of the main system or any of the other subsystems were aware of the early life subsystem, only our gatekeepers knew about them.

Other reasons subsystems can occur is to separate a specific type of abuse that the system/brain finds particularly disturbing and needs to be separated from the rest of the system. We don't have these, but I've heard of folks whose main system typically has the "less severe" trauma and subsystems hold "more severe" trauma OR trauma that needs to be kept completely deep down and away from the front area, like CSEM production OR incest with a member of their household that they have to live with all the time. If you're around that family member all the time you're not going to be able to function if you have even an inkling of those things occurring, so your brain might separate all of that into a subsystem to keep the rest of the system safe. While the rest of the system might deal with other forms of trauma such as neglect, medical trauma, emotional abuse/manipulation, bullying, etc.

The last reason that subsystems might exist, and this is only our personal experience because I have never met another system whose subsystems are like this, but subsystems may exist to keep certain parts of memories separate from the rest of the system. Which, I've mentioned I was going to go into our system structure in more detail before and so I'm not going to do a deep dive in this ask, but essentially as abuse was escalating, our system realized that a single alter cannot hold the entire memory of abuse that was occurring, and so what happened was we'd split a fragment (which our system labels as "china dolls" even though they're really not that) and they get cracked apart and split up, essentially. So one subsystem holds only the pain of that particular memory, another subsystem holds only the emotional toll of that particular memory, another subsystem holds only the visual or auditory sensations of that particular memory, etc. So, in essence, for a single occurrence of trauma, a splitting pattern happens where we end up splitting anywhere from 2-5 fragments to hold bits and pieces of a single memory. So those subsystems keep those fragments separated so that we don't have to be overwhelmed by the entire memory being whole.

From all of the above information it's probably going to make subsystems sound like a super horrific thing, and while I really want to be comforting and help you through this with some encouragement, subsystems are typically because something happened that needed to be kept completely separate from the rest of the system, which is usually not a good thing.

However, to actually answer your question, how to cope? Um. Good question, because I'm barely coping with my own situation right now. BUT, one thing that has helped me kind of stop freaking out about it is that I have accepted that I will learn things when the time is right. Every time I've tried to go digging or I got curious or something I regretted it. I learned very quickly WHY these things are separate. I learned as a host that I really really should not fuck around because I WILL find out, and it has pretty much every single time been far more devastating that I could have even imagined.

So my advice to you is "Don't go digging!" Because often, system information (especially if you're currently in therapy with a specialist) will become known with time. Be patient. Don't do the "nosy host" thing unless you are in an environment where you have someone who knows what's going on and can keep you safe in case you learn something very distressing that will make you want to go down the sewer slide. Being a system is not a fun time when you're discovering this stuff. I'm very open about loving our system and loving our parts and thanking them for what they've done for me, but that doesn't erase how difficult and scary it can be when you start learning things that you never knew you never knew. Hang in there, anon. DMs are open if you want to discuss this further. Anyone is free to DM or send asks about these things and I'll answer when I can. :)

-Dorian

(Note: Endos please do not interact with this post, as subsystems are a product of serious trauma and are not something that I think could ever be replicated in the way that a traumagenic system's subsystems would occur. They require extreme levels of amnesia and are typically complex, something that a created system would very likely not be able to replicate in the way like OP and I are talking about. This post is for folks with trauma-based CDDs only, not other forms of plurality.)

[rabbittwinrithings]

Hi! I joined tumblr just to follow the journey of your wonderful followers, especially Varrick who seems like a perfect companion to my current Dragonborn. So, I have some questions about him in order to roleplay better (lots, but I must restrain myself!)...

Why does Varrick, the man who is always on guard, trust the Dragonborn right after meeting them and gives them the ability to summon him whenever and wherever, forever? I know, gameplay, but I am a literal person, lol, trying to imagine what kind of relationship these two strangers are building up. I am scared for him if the summoner is able to abuse this power.

Another one is - what is his motivation for following the Dragonborn, at least at first? He was heading to Morthal when we met him. Did he have some specific plans? He says we can watch each other's backs, but to what goal? He follows us without any compensation, without any questions. He turns into our sidekick in a blink of an eye. I would love to know why. I love him so much already and can't wait for the romance update. My shy Dragonborn is already jealous of his poor partner and very conflicted about her feelings. I found their painting in the cottage. 😭

Thank you so, so much for your work and imagination! ❤️❤️❤️

Hi there! So happy you're loving Varrick! I wish I could very detailed answers on these questions, but both are pretty simple, just not stated.

For the summoning spell, while never stated, it's not something that happens to Varrick against his will. More of a call that he chooses to teleport to. I like to think with followers like Khash or Caryalind, they didn't make their summoning spells, so they don't understand it completely or have control over the summoning. But Varrick did make his, so he would know how to ignore it too.

As for the traveling, Varrick is very much a wander. An old idea was for him to tell his stories about his travels. He kind of just goes wherever he feels like. When he tells the player,'I could use here and there,' that's him saying,'well, let's see where this leads me.' He's done this before with others. Most notably with, and hoping to add this in interactions one day, Disnel, who he did travel with for a time when she was trying to find someplace to hide in Skyrim. So Varrick is very much a ride or die, go wherever the wind takes me, sort of guy. Mainly, he was heading to Morthal to just to chill for a bit.

I'm always happy to answer questions! So feel free to send any my way!

[myfanfic-urfantrash]

I know this isn't really a request but if it's fine, can I ask for some advice? 😭

I want to write character x reader fics but I'm afraid of getting the character "ooc". What should I do?

Oh btw it's fine if this gets ignored, but if it doesn't then thanks so much in advance!

Sure I can try to give some advice though be warned I am typing so fast things might blur together :D

Under the read more cause it loooong

You're afraid of getting a character to be out of character? My suggestion is that you do your research! What do I mean by that? Well I mean study whatever information about that character you're able to find. This can be character audios that are within a game, pages of manga where they show up and dialog between them and other characters.

Every bit counts but don't ignore other characters in the process because in order to get a good feel of a character you need to see what others think of them. Like do other characters think they're pretty nice and caring, do people hate them and why do they. You should also consider the environment the character is in as well as whatever culture the character's environment may be based on.

I would say not to create and Alternate Universes until you've got a good hang of what you're working with first as you could add unnecessary details and get lost while trying to figure out what is what. But I do encourage writing shorter smaller works be it headcanons, short scenarios/imagines to get started. Don't worry about making the character out of character when you first start out because even the best of writers can make a mistake here and there.

I also encourage writing for yourself first before taking requests from other people. This can be hard if you don't have any ideas of what to write in the first place but think about what you'd like to read but haven't seen yet on any of the sites where you read. For me as an example I saw many fics where Scaramouche was rather degrading or down right abusive to the reader, I didn't like that so I wrote a few where while he's still abrasive, it's part of his personality, he does treat the reader with care with his actions rather than words.

If you still have no idea what to write I suggest looking up writing prompts! Those can be a great way to get started. I also encourage just writing but not deleting anything as you go until the very end because if you're too busy deleting stuff you're too busy to write!

I'd also suggest writing things in more than one point of view while writing character x readers it could help you figure out what style you prefer to use and what sounds better to you.

But back to the topic! If making a character ooc is what you're worried about when writing try to think about what would cause a character to say/do something rather than "____ would never say/do that!" I say this because you limit yourself by thinking a character would never do something like let's say for example murder if they're a kind a warm soul.

You need to think what would drive someone so kind and welcoming to kill someone. Perhaps they had no choice as it was either them or their enemy because they were trying to protect someone precious to them. Think about stuff like this and you'll slowly open your mind to the wonderful possibilities your writing can take.

Let's use Jing Yuan as an in game example for a scenario where you'd think he wouldn't do something: Helping Criminals. In the main quest Jing Yuan works with the Stellaron Hunters in order to get Dan Heng to awaken his powers again. Now The Stellaron Hunters are wanted criminals ALL over the universe basically, what would drive a General who has every right to arrest them to let them leave without capture? Simple: There's a bigger threat that they can't deal with that needs a specific person, Dan Heng, to gain access to.

I dunno if this is clear enough of what I mean but I hope this helps you and any other writer who wants to get into writing character x reader.

[missazura]

Not being able to access or release your tears fucking sucks- I'm sorry you can't cry right now. You deserve to.

Not knowing exactly when things will get better makes it feel as if the pain will stretch on infinitely. "Everyone knows things get better eventually, but when will it happen for me?" Is something I asked myself a lot last year.

I'm sorry I can't give you a when. The astrology app "The Pattern" helped me hold out for hope when I was at my lowest bc it gave specific days. It was helpful to see that I had 6 months of learning this or that hard lesson, and the pain it brought, left. I hope you can find something that helps remind you that Spring always comes after winter, even when the cold of winter is the only experience you're having, and has no exact end date.

It sounds like things really fucking suck rn, things are hard and you're exhausted of how hard they've been. Everything you've been feeling and struggling to release, whether it'd ab accessing them or having a safe place to feel them, sounds extremely heavy. I'm so sorry about everything you're going through.

I understand that no one can give me a date on exactly when things will be better, there's only so much someone can say to comfort me after all.

vent under the cut

Days like this happen and I feel so hopeless, it's not about finding the little things to keep going at this point when I'm barred from finding happiness because of my abuser's suffering. I'm forced to bottle up any good feelings, a smile, everything because how dare I be happy when she's not? how dare I laugh at something on my phone, have a silly thought that made me chuckle when she's being absolutely miserable? and I don't know what to do. it's eating me up and crushing my spirit, she refuses to listen to anyone and doesn't WANT to get better. my family accuses me on not taking care of her better while whenever I try to help her she flat out ignores, refuses, throws tantrums and threatens suicide when I push it. when I talk to my aunt she dismisses it as something that all grandmothers do, it's normal, be kinder to her because she won't be here forever. her boyfriend dismisses it too, telling me to be patient, and I try to, I try so hard to, but why is my safety secondary to hers? why is my safety and my sanity lesser than hers? why don't I matter? I believe they'd be happier when I die, at least I won't be a constant burden to them anymore. my grandma will 100% use my death to fuel her visual suffering more though, just like she did with the others who she wished death upon before this.