#to make them not look like church windows HAHAHAHA

[skzfaker]

Like the sun 뜨겁게 불타오르는 별 Dance like a crazy, crazy, crazy in the light

For @lee-minhoe and @hyunebear

[gabrieldrawsstuff]

Aight fellas, I'm doing a list of canon descriptions of dw characters for future reference, might do a second part with more minor characters

SPOILER ALERT OBV

STRANGER

-THE JOURNAL : "Somehow I'm wearing a coat, so I must've changed my clothes on my way here. I don't recognize myself anymore. I can barely hold this pencil. Has my body changed?"

-DOCTOR : "I see you haven't regained your speech. You need to find another doctor."

-SNAIL : "Your face... What happened to you?

The snail's jaw falls so low, it almost detaches itself from the rest of the body.

You scared me... You barely resemble a human... You should cover yourself..."

SNAIL : "You're so ugly, I feel like puking... You barely resemble a human being..."

THE CRIPPLE : "You, lad. You've got your hands and legs. Strong arms. I beg you!"

MAMA ELEPHANT : "Can't you speak? Did someone take away your voice?"

MAMA ELEPHANT : "Your gob looks like that because of this fiendish air, do you know? I bet you can't speak, because you didn't keep your mouth shut when walking through the woods."

MAMA ELEPHANT : "(...) I know you want something, you leper demon."

MUSHROOM GRANNY : "(...) But you're young and strong."

CHICKEN LADY : "Whaddaya need, poor soul? Hungry, eh? I'd give ya some stew, but what good will it do?"

(I think in polish version it was closer to 'how will you eat it' although I can't be sure)

MIRROR : "You are one ugly bastard. I guess you got what you deserved."

MUSICIAN : "This is our doctor, yes? He is just as brave and good as you are!"

MUSICIAN : "You're not af-fraid of anything!"

WOLFMAN : "Even from afar I can smell your putrid stench. Be glad I don't have an appetite for carcasses, Meat"

WOLFMAN : (after the church dream sequence) "Meat, what's with the big eyes? Hehe... Scared?"

WOLFMAN : (when you nod to a question if you're making a joke of him) "You're a brave piece of meat... and what's more important, one with a sense of humor. 

WOLFMAN : "Are you pretending to be human, or are you just cracking jokes?"

WOLFMAN : "You look tired, Meat. Busy night?"

WOLFMAN : "Have fun, Meat... Just remember to hide that disaster of a face or it's no dancing for you"

WOLFMAN : (when you spare the sow) "My heart sings with joy when I see such selfless kindness. Tell me the truth, Meat. It was you, wasn't it?"

vvvvv

TRADER

-A man, roughly my size, is standing before me.

I can barely make out his disturbingly familiar features through the matte visor of his helmet...

The massive helmet is covered with an old sack and seems to be an integral part of the unnaturally pale body.

-The man reaches out to me with his black hand. It's covered in charcoal... There's something written on his worn, woolen glove.

-Visibly struggling, the man drops the sack from his back and bends in half, as if out of breath. He shakes the dust off his clothes, then rolls up the sleeve of his, seemingly too small, jacket. 

-The old sack covering his body slides down, revealing his chest, covered in horrid growths. It is fused with a porous helmet, pulsating to the rhythm of his breath.

vvvvv

WOLFMAN

THE JOURNAL: "If I'm not delusional, the man whom I met... had the head of a wolf."

FIRST ENCOUNTER: The figure hides its face under the hood. It smells of wet soil and fur.

WOLFMAN: "(...)I barely believe my beautiful eyes... (...) The Wolf smiles, revealing a row of sharp teeth.

AT BARN RUINS: The Wolf makes a quick leap and, bouncing against me with his swollen belly, he puts his paws on my shoulders. He ostentatiously licks his face. (...)

-I notice fresh bloodstains on his fur and feel streaks of his saliva dripping onto my coat. 

-The Wolf takes two steps back. I can only see a row of filthy, sharp teeth underneath his hood.

-The Wolf squeezes my arms and starts licking my face. Once from the left side, once from the right side. (...) His breath stinks of rot.

WOLFMAN: "Thanks to you I feel fulfilled! I got my girl, my sweet little lady back."

-Suddenly the Wolf sends me back with a powerful push and reaches into his coat pocket.

WOLFMAN: "(...) and then nothing wil keep you from getting the fuck out of my part of the woods! Do you get me, Meat? You will pack your bags, dive into that stinking hole of yours and dissa-fucking-pear!"

-Finally he snorts, his thick, yellow spit landing on the photo.

-The Wolf grabs the box and starts sniffing it from every angle. I could swear I've heard his tail moving under his coat.

WOLFMAN: "And what am I supposed to do with it? Bite it until it opens? Your brain must be rotting if you think I will break my fangs for this shit."

WOLFMAN: "An electronic game, eh? About a wolf stealing chicken eggs... hehehe. Good one!I've a soft spot for games, how about you?"

-As I produce the key, the Wolf's pupils widen with excitement.

WOLFMAN: (about villagers) "Those selfish, deceitful wretches! They think they're superior, because they have human gobs. They treat us like lepers! But you know what? Fuck them. We're buddies, aren't we? And them? They deserve to be punished, Meat..."

-The Wolf pierces me with his look and grins. A string of saliva lands on his hole-riddled jacket.

-The Wolf puts his paw on me. I can feel his claws puncturing my skin.

WOLFMAN: (about piotrek) "Meat! Fucking hell, seen that? Hahaha! Seen that? Hahaha! Off he flew, didn't he? OFF HE FUCKED!!! Hahahaha!"

WOLFMAN: "If you wish to spend some more quality time basking in the striking, yet natural beauty of my features before you head off to the Silent Forest, you will find me in my camp in the Dry Meadow."

vvvvv

DOCTOR

THE JOURNAL: "What I do know is that the insane fucker took my key. My only chance to get out of the woods. He also tore out all the pages from my journal."

THE JOURNAL: "The doctor has escaped. So be it. He would only be a hindrance anyway."

CHICKEN LADY: "My sisters! Where did ya find it? It's all that godless quack's fault - devil brought him! All he did was prescribe this and that, scribble this no-good drivel! To hell with them papers!"

-I can feel the doctor's cold hand grab me by the jaw, (...)

-He removes his dirty glasses with a trembling hand and freezes.

DOCTOR: "First they begged for help, now I need to hide from them! I'm just an ordinary doctor! How the fuck was I supposed to help them?! How?!"

-With shaking hands, he reaches for the cigarrete butt between his yellow teeth.

DOCTOR: "I used to come here to treat people. I pulled out kids' milk teeth, delivered babies... (...) Last time I came here was three or four years ago. Then the trees blocked the path."

-The Doctor is visibly pleased with himself and his theory. His hands are no longer trembling. He produces a hand-rolled cigarette and lights it.

DOCTOR: "(...) I have no idea where it leads. I'm a shitty diver. (...)"

-The Doctor stares right into my eyes. Mud drips from his face. He hasn't blinked in over a minute.

- (...)His glasses are so dirty, I barely see the eyes hiding underneath.

-A chunk of mud falls down on his exposed tongue. He chews it slowly and swallows with satisfaction.

-The Doctor puts the muddy hand into his mouth, grimaces and pulls out a yellow tooth. He puts it into the pocket of his torn trousers. The tooth falls through a hole. He does not notice this...

-Slowly he bends down and grabs a thick branch from the ground. He starts biting the bark off of it. He swallows the bark with an effort, but also great satisfaction. He places the stick among other ones sticking out of his mud-covered head.

WOLFMAN: "Well, well. I know this quack. A nonentity, a third-rate witch doctor. Useless fucking clunker... But he still managed to screw you over with that key. Eh, comrade?"

MUSICIAN: "This is our doctor, yes? He is just as brave and good as you are! He helped me. He is helping all of us! He gave me this beautiful mask, so I could be healed of my afllictions. Maybe you could have one too..."

vvvvv

vvvvv

MUSICIAN

THE JOURNAL: "I met a boy in the village. He told me that the "Chicken Lady" keeps the "Pretty Lady" locked in her house. The boy really wants to see her, but the old woman won't allow it."

THE JOURNAL: "I decided to give the key to Chicken Lady's room to the little boy. He thanked me and asked me to bring him his mom's violin (it's hidden behind the wardrobe). He's afraid to go himself, as his parents are supposedly angry with him."

THE JOURNAL: "The boy sure was happy to see the new violin. (...)The kid also told me I should visit him in his parent's home someday."

CHICKEN LADY: (after musician's death) "Maybe it's just that me ears are getting worse, but it's been a while since I've heard that monster outside me windows..."

CHICKEN LADY: "Holy Mother, this creep again! May the devil take him and his blasted violin!"

MUSICIAN: "The Pretty Lady? S-she's... the most beautiful lady in the w-world! I w-watch her through the cracks in the window. S-she ch-changes when I watch her... g-gets more beautiful. I p-play for her... I want her to be h-happy..."

MUSICIAN: "I fished out the Pretty Lady's w-wreath from the river! (...)Oh yes, I will become the Pretty L-lady's husband! We w-will walk hand in hand, s-sir. I will play for her, mister s-sir."

-A skinny little hand emerges from beneath the tractor and grabs me by the ankle.

MUSICIAN: "They will not l-listen to me, they w-won't hear how sad I am, sir..."

-One of the strings securing his mask falls off, together with his ear. The boy reattaches it as if nothing happened.

MUSICIAN: "My m-mom has this beautiful violin! I would ask her to b-borrow it to me, but she's too angry with me... Could you p-please c-convince her to b-borrow it to me? I'll g-give you a card with drawings for her. To apologize."

-The boy turns the game in his hand for a while, but he can't find a way to reach the buttons with his overgrown fingers. The game slips out of his hand and drops to the ground. The wannabe musician freezes.

MUSICIAN: "(...) maybe you could take a wee piece of... m-meat for me? I've never eaten a pig and I've h-heard it's very tasty! W-would you take s-some for me?"

-The boy sniffles and rubs the mask with his deformed hand.

-From beneath the mask you can hear a horribly distorted, resounding voice... of a child?

-The figure tries to turn its head, but its enormous neck makes this task impossible to complete.

MUSICIAN: "P-please let me stay. P-please, don't chase me off. I've got nowhere to... go. The villagers don't a-a-allow me to live in the camp. I p-p-promise I won't p-play anymore! I'll be quiet. You can c-cover me with something, if you don't w-want to look at m-me..."

MUSICIAN: (after gifting you a rat) "(...) I mean, she jumped on my hand and s-started nibbling on my f-finger! I quickly clasped my h-hand and b-bit through its neck!"

-The corners of the boy's mouth turn up in a grotesque smile, exposing rows of overgrown teeth, which even his mask couldn't hide.

-The boy clumsily grabs the ball in his hand. He carefully hides it under his legs, so that it doesn't roll away.

MUSICIAN: "S-sorry! I didn't want to! T-this thing is coming out of m-my body. I... I tried to stop it, but I don't think I can... N-now the whole room is covered with... this. I didn't want to make a mess, I s-swear! Please, don't t-throw me a-away!"

-The boy leans over the violin lying next to his overgrown left hand. He plucks one of the strings with his right hand, clumsily trying to keep the rhythm.

MUSICIAN: "Recently, I've grown quite a bit. My mom always used to say that I need to be b-big and s-strong... to help her out in the field..."

The boy tries to hug his frail knees with the disproportionately massive torso.

"But I... I don't want to be big anymore. It's v-very hard being big. You need to be so... so strong! To even walk.Now my v-violin is... too s-small for me!"

vvvvv

vvvvv

[lilacandladybugs]

Hi, I'm grateful for your religion posts, I've always had a really strong relationship with God but in recent years I've just seen so many people hurt by Christianity and slowly become one of them myself (I've been closeted bi for more than two years, it's rough...). I feel out of place with people who've abandoned Christianity and out of place with people who are still fully committed, and I want to still love God but it's hard when religion burns me to think about most days. I'm sorry if this is putting things on you that you don't want to have to think about, but I just wanted you to know that it means a lot to me to see someone staying strong (and probably doing better at it than me)

Blessings 💙

Hello friend I’m glad I can be helpful! Yes I feel the same way, and I think until I’m fully healed I won’t have the energy or the patience to go back to a Bible study and walk them through how to be friends with people who are grieving, or traumatized, or lgbt, or otherwise different from them. So I’ve felt like I have all these thoughts I’ve developed over the years about who God is and what my identity is in him without having a place to talk about it but y’all’s asks give me a place to do that and not have to prove myself to people who have never grieved or ever been rejected by the church.

I’ve found a lot of solace in Isaiah 55 and in Job and Psalms, this post is getting long so I’ll make another with pictures, but just know I totally understand. There are books in the Bible for people like us though, the Bible was written for broken people, it’s a love letter to us man. And the Bible isn’t the only place where we can listen to God, he’s also all around us in nature, in our loved ones, in poetry, in music. I loved twenty one pilots and I have a few analyses I wrote at 17 about their music and how it was a cry asking God for help. “I don’t know where you are, you’ll have to come and find me, find me,” and Tyler screams it and I would just like scream it with him. 

I guess though that’s all you need sometimes. In that drought that’s all you need is that desire to ask God to show himself to you, that “want to want to” do what he says, that wishing you wanted to know him that’s all we need really. And then God takes over, and he promised where his word goes it will not return to him empty.

I’m sure you know this anon but to anyone else reading this the main story of the Bible is that God created us to be in a perfect free will relationship with him, but we used our free will to reject him instead. Since God is the source of life, when we cut ourselves off from him, it kills us slowly like a flower cut off a bush. Anything that goes against God’s will is called sin in the Bible, and so sin is basically the thing that cuts us off of the flower bush, because the natural consequence for turning away from God is death. But God was unwilling to let that be the end of the story and he chose to die in our place so that if we choose we can reenter that perfect relationship with God. And he rose again from the grave, conquering death, that separation that was originally created by our rejection of him.

In 2018 when I was first really realizing that there are people who call themselves christians and are also abusive I really had trouble delineating like who God is and who the Church is, because they aren’t the same you know? Church is made up of human beings, God is perfectly loving and perfectly just.

And one of my friends was trans and financially independent and recovering from religious abuse, and I remember him coming to my family’s house and my family’s church and realizing that God wasn’t this cruel distant judgmental being, that he loves us.

Anyway when my friend realized this he started going to church on his own, and one day as he was listening to the song “Come to the Alter” he said God spoke to him and said, “Come to me and I will be your father and you will be my son.” Which was a really big deal to him because God was willing to fill that role that his abusive ‘Christian’ parents were unwilling to fill, to use his correct pronouns, to meet him where he was, to love him unconditionally, to be his father.

When I heard that I legit cried for like three days and I wrote this:

— Feb 26, 2018

I have been overwhelmed yesterday and today with the goodness and love of God I had so underestimated. I feel the need to protect my friends and self from people who might hurt them, who don’t believe depression exists or handle them cruelly, but I didn’t realize I associated these people and my own brokenness with God himself. But God is not cruel. He does not hurt people on accident he doesn’t condemn, he meets us where we are tenderly like the gentle rays of golden sunshine peeking through the window in the morning or water of a lake lapping gentle on a stone beach.

His love is so pure, so respectful, and yet so overwhelming. Lord how cautious you have chosen to be with me, as one taming a wild deer, and Lord how I didn’t know how starved I am for your love! Oh Lord how you love my people so deeply and purely to stare into its depths though the water is clear I cannot see the end of it!

Father how can I fathom you? I knew who you were with my mind when I asked for our lives but how you have acquainted my heart with you! And you hold on and say “Here I am love, you are safe.” How safe I am with you! You are my nest in the winter where I go when frightened. Your triumph is so great I can’t speak or understand and so I just laugh and cry in joy and relief that you are here. Why do I remain so heavy laden? I should come to you or in you is miraculous peace. 

Never have I felt such joy as yesterday, even when (a friend) was released from the hospital my tears were as if I were grieving I could feel all of heaven rejoicing and singing.

Oh God how lovely you are! Stunning and perfect and kind.

Light reflected through ie and silvery breath on cold winters night just a whisper and a gorgeous sight.

Comparing the safety you bring to the love of humans is like comparing moisture to the ocean, a pebble to the rocky mountains, one note to a symphony.

I feel like I have seen for the first time, been loved for the first time, like Rapunzel escaping from her tower I look down and even what is as everyday as grass to you is a wonder to me.

Lord I don’t know what abusive things I’ve taken as normal, please introduce me to life as your child.

Thank you so much Dad

Thank you <3

------- 

I love you anon, keep me posted and I’ll keep giving you a ton of unsolicited advice hahahaha. The only other thought I had was that you don’t have to push yourself to worship God in any particular way! God isn’t just in worship music or just in the Bible. (although the Bible is the ultimate source of truth) sometimes the Bible can hurt to read when you’re traumatized and that is okay, God will meet you where you are. The word of God is not bound!! He’s not limited by your trauma, he’s not weakened by it, he can still do what he needs to do, just listen.

sister i wish you the best of luck, may God be with you wherever you go

[pynkhues]

i want you to know that every time i see you tag or talk about your mick x mp fic i'm taking it as a personal attack and no longer believe you aren't sitting on it specifically to torment me personally

Hahahaha, I’m sorry!! I just really need to re-write one scene and then it’ll be posted. 

You can have an excerpt though for your troubles?

-

And yeah, okay, he’ll be the first to admit he should have stayed at home.

He doesn’t exactly get nights off all that often, and there are a few women in his phone he could’ve had over (or if none of them were keen, Bullet always knew someone), but he’d had a beer and he’d just kept remembering her at the church, and so he’d peeled into his car and head out to her place.

It was scouting, that’s all.

Rio hadn’t stressed a timeline exactly, and while the guy was patient, he wasn’t exactly when it came to Her, and whatever, Mick thinks, pulling up in that good spot which gives him a perfect look into the mark’s backyard. Work’s work.

From here, he can see through the back window into the kids’ room, and he sees the tallest one hang upside down from the ladder on the bunkbeds before kicking out – sort of like a flip – to tackle his brother to the floor. The wail that follows makes Mick snort, drum his hands against the bottom of the wheel, load up the notes app on his phone to record what, he’s got no idea, but then the backdoor whines open and it’s her.

She looks tired, dressed in stained jeans and a grey t-shirt with what Mick’s pretty sure is baby vomit on the shoulder, lugging a trash bag out to the bin. There’s nothing particularly profound about the moment, nothing noteworthy as she kicks a soccer ball out of the way only to stumble over a robot action figure, and just like at the grocery store, she doesn’t cuss.

Doesn’t say anything, but walks a little harder somehow. Joints stiffer, like they’re rusted shut or something, and she tosses the bag into the trash and then steps back and just sort of stands there for a minute. Sucking in deep breaths of cool night air, her eyes shut, and she seems to almost vibrate for a moment, her hand trembling as it raises to push her hair behind her ear and suddenly she seems bottled.

He can’t explain it, but he watches her and he half expects her to crumble and contort and evolve into something white hot and spitting, and her breaths are coming sharper and her chest rising further and Mick’s just watching her – this bright spark in the night – and he remembers the sky in Alaska and he remembers looking up at Rio after he’d pulled Mick’s bullet-riddled ass out of Pistol’s warehouse all those years ago, and shit, Mick doesn’t know why he’s thinking of any of this stuff, just knows that the images of it all are flicking too fast through his head, a flurry of blood against ice, against concrete floor, and lambent stars and smudged warehouse lights and the pain in his gut as Rio had fished the bullet out with inexperienced fingers, and - -

And suddenly the backdoor cracks open again and there’s one of her boys in the doorway, staring back at her with watery eyes.

“Mom? I don’t feel good,” he moans, and Mick exhales a breath he didn’t realise he’d been holding.

[purplesurveys]

1192

Have you ever tried a colorful macaroon? Maybe you mean macarons? I’ve never seen a macaroon with food coloring before.

Do you say macaroon or macaron? It depends on what I’m referring to because they’re two different kinds of food.

Do you know what a macaroon is? Yes, they taste terrible.

Would you rather go to Paris or London? Both sound a bit too boring of a trip for me tbh, I’d rather go to other European cities.

Which national flag do you like the best? I’m not that into flags to have a favorite...I like how Nepal’s has a unique shape, though.

Name 3 celebrities people say you look like. Lucy Hale, Anna Akana, and a local celebrity you wouldn’t know about.

^Do you agree? I never saw myself looking like Anna but that’s actually the most common one I get, so I just might not know my face all that well. The only one that’s agreeable enough with me is the last celebrity I mentioned.

Do you know anyone who looks like Taylor Swift? No, especially not on this side of the planet.

Have you ever been betrayed by a best friend? Yes but that was like back in the fifth grade. I’ve been very selective of my friends ever since.

What color is the sweatshirt that you wear the most? Black.

Do you have a mirror in your room? No. I don’t really feel as if I need it.

What was the last thing you painted? I last painted on a paint-by-numbers kit, but it’s been a while since I took up the hobby. I want to get back around to it someday, but proably not any time soon as I find it a tad bit time-consuming.

Do you correct grammatical errors online? Not other people’s, but yeah I edit my posts whenever I catch a typo or grammar error. I also edit survey questions if they aren’t in proper grammar, just so other people who’d want to take the same survey won’t have to deal with it and point it out anymore.

What’s the last thing you made out of clay? I’ve only done pottery once, and that time I was taught how to make a vase. I wasn’t able to see the end result though since they still had to bake it and everything, and I was only staying in that town for a few days.

Do you go for days without washing your hair? No, I absolutely hate that feeling. My hair starts getting itchy after a day or so of not washing it and it feels irritating, so I feel the need to shower everyday.

When is the last time you had scrambled eggs and bacon? Maybe around a week ago? It’s something my parents make regularly for breakfast, alongside other local breakfast dishes.

Do you like bacon bits on your salad? I don’t really eat salad but sure, I’ll take some bacon in mine.

What is your favorite salad dressing? See above.

What is your favorite kind of soup? Not a big soup person either. I suppose I’m most enthusiastic about miso soup, if anything.

Do you eat a lot of soup? Not at all. I don’t think I ever purposely ordered it at a restaurant either; I only consume soup if it already comes as a freebie with my order.

Do you collect Mason jars to use for crafts? Nope, was never a hobby of mine. This reminds me that I have a mason jar filled with date receipts and love notes on tiny Post-Its from my last relationship, though...I literally can’t remember if I’ve since thrown it out, but I also haven’t seen it in a while...hm. I guess I’ll try looking for it later today and throw it away if I do find it still lying around in my room.

What’s a trend that you never caught on to? Remember when I said streetwear like, literally a month ago? Lmaoooooo I’m into it now. That’s why I’ll just skip over this question HAHAHAHA I always end up being obsessed with the things I swear off in the beginning :((((

What’s a trend that you haven’t caught on to yet, but you want to? Vlogging? It’d be nice to make a video or two of my own.

Do you type fast? Very. My co-workers recently started sharing this typing speed website that we’re all free to try out and so far I’m the official reigning champion haha. No one has beaten my WPM record yet.

Did you learn to type through a computer program for kids? Yes. I never adopted the ‘standard’ finger practice though; I type only with my index and middle fingers.

How many years were you homeschooled? I was never homeschooled.

If applicable, what’s a youtuber you would love to collab with? Louise Pentland.

Do you think you’re successful in life? Not quite there yet, but I’m comfortable with the way I’m working towards it for now. It’s nice to be doing things that I know will lead to something in the future.

What color is the tree outside your window? If you mean the leaves, then green.

What color is your rug, if you have one? (not carpet, rug) I don’t have one in my room but the main one we have in the living room is brown.

What do you take for pain? I take a Biogesic pill for headaches. If I get muscle sores/strains, I rub Katinko on the spots that hurt.

Which pharmacy do you use? I never need to go to those but I can always take a drive to the nearby Mercury Drug.

Do you reapply nail polish when it starts to chip? I don’t wear nail polish at all.

What is this month’s calendar picture? I don’t use a calendar.

What was the last thing you ate? Sushiiiiiiiii. I made a very impulsive and rash decision to buy THREE ORDERS of sushi yesterday. I hadn’t eaten all day and I also had a crappy at work, and my clouded judgment thought buying 24 pieces of maki was the way to go. I’m still in the stage of trying to convince myself I deserved it anyway.

What are your favorite things to put in tea? I don’t drink tea tea, but when I buy milk tea I always go for chocolate flavors. I also don’t like pearls in my milk tea.

Do you wish the Unicorn Frappuccino was a regular drink at Starbucks? I never go for customized drinks, so I don’t care at all about this.

Is there a coffee shop in your town that’s better than Starbucks? Possibly, but I may not have checked it out yet. For now, I like buying from Starbucks.

Do you frequent any coffee shops? Back in college I used to alternate between Starbucks and Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf; I’d go several times a week to either because coffee shops were the best place to study at.

What’s your favorite Lisa Frank character? I was never aware that there were characters lol. I thought it was only her.

Which Disney character looks the most like you? Raya for sure, but before her, I felt a big connection with Moana.

Did you go to Disney World or Disneyland as a kid? No, I haven’t gotten to go yet. It would be nice if my first time could also already be a trip with my own kid in the future :)

Do you live with a demon? Talk about creepy question lol. No.

Who has the best personality on youtube? Who cares? < I mean, same. I’m sure they all put up a show to some extent - I don’ think anyone would ever know the answer to this...but personally, those whose personalities I find really endearing would beeeeee Grace Helbig, Kelsey Impicciche, Kelsey Darragh, and Andrew Ilnyckyj.

What are some of your goals for this year? Stay employed, be better at my job, collect more BTS albums.

Does it feel like spring yet? We don’t have spring, so I don’t know what that would feel like.

What do you do to celebrate Earth Day? I don’t wait until April 22 to do something for the planet.

How do you celebrate Easter? I don’t.

Have you ridden your bike yet this year? I can’t ride bikes, haaaaa.

What does your bike look like? The family bike has some blue and grey on it. Not that I ever practice riding it.

What is your favorite place that you’ve lived? I like the house that we live in now. I like that we have a rooftop and that we don’t live with extended family.

Do you shop at Aeropostale? No, and I’m not sure we have Aeropostale shops here. The only reason we ever got Aeropostale items of clothing in the past was because relatives living in the States would occasionally bring home a box of pasalubong for us here in the Philippines.

What’s the last thing you wore from Aeropostale? Idk, probably a shirt. Have you ever been to a church that just wanted your money? Aren’t all churches like that? < Can agree and can confirm. My local parish has been undergoing a ridiculously extravagant renovation for years now and the thing is that the renovation is meant to be so fucking fancy they clearly can’t afford it, so they’ve been pooling money from churchgoers for years now as well. When we could still physically attend mass I used to keep myself from laughing everytime one of the church staff would come up on the podium and ask for money again.

Who is someone you are struggling to forgive, if applicable? I don’t struggle to forgive. I just don’t forgive. If someone does me wrong I just do my best to block them out of my memories, get into the mindset that they never existed, and live peacefully from there.

Have you ever had someone try to intentionally bully you to suicide? I don’t think so, at least not intentionally. My mom always did it unintentionally though, especially in my tween and teen years. She was always very harsh with her words and actions (she still is, but we don’t butt heads as often anymore). I didn’t have a very good emotional foundation mainly thanks to her and I had to claw my own way to get to be the much more stable self I am today.

What’s your favorite type of cereal? Sweet ones.

Who are your favorite kids that you’ve babysat? I never babysat kids outside of younger relatives.

Who is your favorite cousin? My eldest cousin from my mom’s side. I’ve always viewed him more as a brother than a cousin since we did live under the same roof for nearly a decade before my family moved to our own home.

Does one side of your family live in another state? My family is spread out everywhere, dude. I have relatives living in another town, another city, another province, another region, another island, another country. Idk about cultures but that’s generally how Filipino families are to begin with.

What states did your parents grow up in? I’m not saying that.

Do you want kids? If yes, how many? It would be nice. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find someone I would want to marry and have a family with. It definitely seems bleak, but then again I’m 23 lmao. I’m not in a hurry.

What’s a craft that you’ve seen online that you don’t think will work? Most of the shit that that 5 Minute Crafts channel or whatever they’re called puts out.

What, if anything, are you severely allergic to? Grass.

Have you ever had an allergic reaction to an insect? Nopes.

How do you react to bee stings? I’ve never been stung and I hope that never happens to me.

Is there a good hospital where you live? I’m not so sure; I don’t take trips to the hospital frequently.

What’s your favorite kind of tea to drink in the spring? I never drink tea. Never been my...cup of tea? Hahahaha.

What are your favorite biblical names for girls? Elizabeth and Eden.

…for boys? Luke, Noah, Jacob, Seth.

What color nail polish do you usually wear in the spring? Again, I never put on nail polish.

What’s your favorite color that you’ve dyed your hair? I haven’t tried dyeing my hair either :( It’s something I want to explore, though.

Do you ever eat ice cream in the winter? We don’t have winter but yeah, I’m not opposed to having ice cream when the climate is on the cooler side.

How often do you wash your sheets? Every month or so.

What was the name of the biggest bully in your high school? No one got away with pulling that kind of shit in my old school.

^Did everyone hate her/him? -

^Were you his/her target? -

[bennyboyjones]

The Getaway (Ben Hardy Fanfic) Chapter Four

A/N: Hi! So, here is chapter 4 to my Ben Hardy AU Fanfic! There are currently several chapters written, which you can find on Wattpad, but I’ve decided to also upload it here as well. It might be a bit behind, but you’ll still get all the chaps eventually.

What it is: basically, a girl from a small town who is bored of her life decides to take a trip to Nice where she runs into ben, who is also running away from some shit and some romance ensues.

Word count: 3.7k

in this chapter: hahahaha just read it pls

WATTPAD LINK IF YOU WANT TO READ AHEAD

Spotify playlist

In case you missed it: MASTERLIST

day four

We were taking a walk up to Jardin des Arènes de Cimiez which was a gorgeous garden with ruins and was where the Cimiez Monastery was located. Ben let me decide what we were doing today after I shot down his idea of café hopping which I was sure he had suggested just to make fun of me.

It was going to be a relatively long walk up to the garden but I didn’t mind since it was a really nice day. We were planning to meet at Brassiere L’Olympia, which was where the place he was renting out was located (well, the place he was staying was above it) at around one in the afternoon.

I had woken up early so I could finally take a trip to the grocery store, had a breakfast that consisted of two coffees and two croissants, and went through at least four outfits before landing on one that was comfortable enough to survive the forty-five minute uphill walk and cute enough that it would make a better impression on Ben than what I had worn the night before. My dress was short, hitting an inch or two above my mid-thigh, it was a-line, only leaving a bit of wiggle room between my lower body and the fabric and had a small ruffle running around the bottom edge. It was white with lemons and green leaves and the top was tight, a small ruffle running at the neckline which showed a little bit of my (almost non-existent) cleavage and the straps were thick, tying into bows on my shoulders. It was sweet, but still a little sexy and matched well with white sneakers. I styled my hair into soft curls even though I knew I was going to end up putting it up at some point and kept my makeup as simple as I did on my first night: a red lip and a little mascara.

I had about an hour until I had to meet him and was a bit surprised he never called or texted to confirm.

Last night, before we parted ways, he personally entered his number into my phone and sent himself a text just to make sure that it worked. We had talked about our plans for today for almost thirty minutes last night, planning the day down to every detail, but I still felt uneasy about the fact that I hadn’t heard from him yet this morning. I knew that just because he didn’t text me or call me to make sure we were still on didn’t mean that we weren’t, because I hadn’t reached out to him either and I was pretty sure of our plans. Still, to settle the nervousness in my stomach, I picked up my phone and shot him a text letting him know I would be heading there soon. If he wanted to cancel, this was his chance.

I was completely lost in the excitement of something new. I called my mom last night, after getting back from the date to tell her about everything. All she did was laugh at me and tell me that I was way too deep into something that had only just begun. I knew she was right, but I didn’t stop myself from concocting romantic scenarios in my head last night about all the things that could happen today. This was my problem: I fell extremely easily. It took almost nothing for me to be completely enchanted by someone. I found myself crushing on guys I passed by once on the street, on guys who simply dressed nice, or wore chains (this really got me). But something about Ben felt different, like it was more than just a crush or infatuation. It felt as if it could really turn into something despite our inevitable doom in the form of my trip being over. When I said this to my mom, she laughed harder, “The amount of times I've heard this same speech while you were abroad…Don’t take my laughter wrong,” she said when she heard my annoyed sigh on the other end, “I’m happy for you, I really am—just slightly worried too.”

I had also texted my friends about him and they were requesting daily updates which I was more than happy to supply. I was in the middle of texting Annie back when I looked at the time and realized that I had to leave in the next five minutes if I wanted to be on time. I also realized that Ben never responded.

I went anyway and waited for him a lot longer than I should’ve. At the point where he was thirty minutes late, I decided to go without him, refusing to let being stood up spoil my day.

I really couldn’t wrap my mind around it; why go through all of that yesterday to stand me up? It didn’t make any sense and I knew that there had to be a good reason. If he genuinely didn’t want to see me or wasn’t interested he could’ve made it so much easier for himself; he didn’t have to speak up when he saw me in the cafe, he didn’t have to sit down or ask me to dinner, he didn’t have to ask me to get a drink, or call it a date, or demand to see me today. The only reasoning that made sense was that something had actually come up, but he could’ve given me a call, or answered my text to at least let me know that he couldn’t make it.

The walk up to the garden was taxing, it had only been fifteen minutes and I felt my breath getting short and my calves start to burn. I had my headphones in, the lady from Google Maps interrupting the voice of Matty Healy every few minutes to tell me where to turn.

I loved the style of the buildings and their colors, I loved the little patches of green and flowers in between car lanes and that heavily trafficked bridge I needed to cross had a footpath. I was about halfway there when my phone ‘dinged’ with a text.

*text pic*

I swiped back to the maps and locked my phone ignoring it, trying to focus on the landmarks I could use to find my way back without Google so I wasn’t costing myself an insane amount in data charges.

It was nice that he was sorry and I knew that I should be nice because he probably did have a good reason, but I was still mad and slightly hurt. Also, he just noticed the time? It was almost two p.m, what was he doing that an entire hour slipped by?

I took a deep breath when I got another notification.

*rest of text pic*

I told myself I wouldn’t go to dinner, that I wouldn’t give in without any kind of fight, but I knew myself better than that. I knew at some point today I would ending listening to his apology and explanation.

I let out a big sigh of relief when I saw the sign for the garden; I was sweating and out of breath and having to face the fact that I was severely out of shape. There were a good amount of people milling around the park that was just on the outside of the garden. There was a family playing some game with large ceramic balls, a few older men playing chess, and a few kids running around while their parents spoke to each other a few feet away.

The garden was filled with ruins, large white buildings falling apart and short walls of stone that may have at one time been tall, creating a grid-like maze over the field of grass. Arches were crumbling and I carefully made my way under them, easily getting lost in the field of stone. There was moss growing between bricks, some sprouting small flower-like weeds. I took pictures to send to my mom and then a few on the disposable, knowing how fairytale-like the garden would look on film, because it was fairytale-like. I could see it in a movie, or as an illustration in a story book. I found myself taking careful steps, afraid of disturbing the peace that seemed to belong there. It was quiet and I was the only one there, wandering around, running my hand along something ancient and beautiful.

I found a set of cement steps that seemed relatively new in comparison to the other paths I had walked and followed them up. There were a lot of steps, which took me further uphill. At the end, there was a large gate made of metal and stone which opened to the monastery. It was the color of copper but lighter, and looked so gothic with its arched windows and sharp spires. The architecture was beautiful, with stone laced over stone, ornate designs covering the entire outside. I moved past it and into its garden which was in full bloom.

I walked under arches covered in green, rows of blue, pink, red, and yellow flowers, bright under the sun and dancing with the breeze that came from our height. I strolled under latticed bowers and thought of Coleridge and his Lime Tree and took a deep breath, trying to make myself relax. I felt a well of emotion inside of me—it was all so beautiful and peaceful. I could hear the wind rustling leaves and whistling as it went through arch ways.

When I finally reached the ledge, I felt my breath get caught in my chest. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen: all of Nice, laid out in front of me like a picture that needed painting. I sat on one of the benches that faced the view and took all of it in. I could see the mountains and the beach, the multicolored buildings filling the space between. I saw trees and patches of parks and gardens. I saw churches and cars the size of my hand.

And I started to cry. I had seen this view before and it had moved me in a way that I couldn’t explain, just as it had done now. There was something in that, being alone, on that hill, seeing everything in the quiet. There was something humbling about being there and seeing everything, having the view of a god.

I closed my eyes and let the breeze brush over my face and wished I could stay there forever. I never wanted that moment to end. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to get that feeling back, but I was reliving it as if it were the first time. It was in moments like that I stopped worrying about the shit that brought me there in the first place and just felt immense gratitude. I felt it weigh heavy on my chest, reminding me how lucky I was to be there, how lucky I was that I got to experience that level of beauty.

I felt someone sit at the other end of the bench causing it to tilt with the welcome of their weight. I opened my eyes and tried to sneakily wipe my tears away so whoever it was didn’t think I was crazy. I didn’t look at them, keeping my eyes trained on the view in front of me.

“I’m sorry I stood you up.”

I looked over at the sound of his voice and saw Ben sitting at the end of the bench. I wasn’t very surprised, since he seemed to have a habit of showing up in places I didn’t expect him to. I didn’t say anything, but stared at him.

“I really wanted to do this with you today. Really, I did—I guess I still kind of am.” He tried out a light laugh but stopped once he saw that I didn’t react. He moved closer to me so we were only a few inches apart. “Seriously, I wanted to be here. I wanted to see it all with you, I did. I just…” He trailed off. When I still didn’t say anything and turned my attention back to the view, he rested one arm on the bench behind me and ran his other hand over his face.

I knew I was being cold and a huge part of me wanted to lean into his side, let him wrap his arm around me and accept his apology without any explanation. That part of me didn’t understand what the big deal was if I was so sure this would only be a fling, if none of this really mattered in the long run. But the part of me that was winning wouldn’t give it up that easy. I didn’t like being stood up and if I just let it slide without putting up a fight at all, what would stop it from happening again?

“I got a call from an ex…fiancé.”

I turned to him, “You were engaged?

“For a really short time, like three months and it ended almost a whole year ago. Calling it off was kind of the start of the reevaluation of my entire life.”

“You called it off?”

“Yeah…I didn’t even want to get married.” He laughed lightly.

I turned my entire body towards him, completely interested in this story, “So why get engaged?”

“We had been dating for two and a half years and I was twenty-six, it just seemed like what I was supposed to do—I don’t even think I was really in it anymore, you know? Like, I wasn’t there because I even wanted to be, but because it was easy.” He shrugged, “I know that sounds awful.”

It was my turn to laugh, “Oh, trust me, I know.” I took a breath, “I’ve been on and off with the same guy for years and I’ve come to realize that it’s been out of comfort and not so much love.”

He furrowed his brow, “So, right now, are you on or off?”

“Definitely off. I broke it off for real before I came here.”

“Oh, so I’m your rebound?”

I hit him lightly in the chest, “You’re not a rebound—well…” I joked.

He lifted his hand off the bench and twirled my hair around the ends of his fingers, “If I am, I’m okay with it.”

We were walking around the garden when I realized I was missing a huge chunk of the story, “Wait, you never told me why she called.”

“Who?” He looked confused before realization dawned on his face, “Oh! Well, obviously, we shared a flat while we were together and she stayed when we broke it off. My name isn’t on the lease anymore, but she still calls me whenever something is wrong as an excuse to talk.”

“Ah, she’s still not over you.”

“She was the one who wanted to get married, who was still in love and…I really hurt her, so I always take the call. She called because my mum told her I was here and was upset that I didn’t let her know about my trip.”

I nodded in understanding.

“It wasn’t a fun conversation to have. Then I called my mum and I lost track of time talking to her. I’m really sorry. I know I’ve said it about seven hundred times, but I’m not going to stop.”

I nudged him with my shoulder and told him he was forgiven.

“So your guy,” he offered his arm to me and I linked mine through, “what exactly am I up against?”

“Not much,” I admitted. “His name is Liam and I met him at school. He’s a business major, never really understood the writing thing, he’s good looking but,” I looked over at Ben; looked at eyes, how blond his lashes were, the way his Adams apple bobbed when he swallowed, the soft sunburn coloring his light skin, the way he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, “he doesn’t look like you.”

He stopped walking, unlinked our arms and pulled me into a hug, “My ego just sky rocketed!”

“I didn’t know it could go any higher than it already has!” I laughed into his chest—which was broad, and hard, and the feeling of his arms around me left me burning. He pulled away, pretending to look insulted. “What?!”

“Wha-“ he started but I cut him off.

“C’mon, Ben! You have enough confidence for the entire continent of Europe. That night in the restaurant? Drinking out of my cup at the cafe? Showing up here?”

“But it’s sexy right?” He raised his eyebrows and tried to hold in his laugh. I pushed him away and kept walking but not before giving him a dramatic eye roll.

When he caught up to me, it was my turn to ask. “What about me? What’s my competition?”

“Pfft…” he looked at me as if I had to be kidding, “Are you serious?”

“Yes, I want to know!”

“Babe, there is no competition.”

“I hope that means I win.”

“It means you’re fittest girl I’ve ever seen.”

I shrugged and forced myself to act nonchalant, “I’ll take it.”

We walked around the garden a few more times, taking pictures of the view, the flowers, and each other. When I asked him if he was ready to go, he held up his phone, “Not until we get one of us.”

“Us?”

“Yeah, us. I just told you my entire life story, I think that makes us close enough to take a picture together.” I couldn’t argue with a good point. We stood at the edge in front of the view and he held up his phone, snapping several pictures before I was ready. After I complained and demanded retakes, we took ones smiling, making funny faces and a few of him with his arm around me kissing my cheek.

On our way back down, he asked if I wanted to have another picnic on the beach, to make up for last night.

“Make up for it? I don’t need a do-over, I thought it was amazing.”

“Josie, we sat on a bin bag!” He spoke slowly as if I wasn’t understanding his reasoning.

“I know, but it was still really sweet.”

“C’mon, please? I found a perfect spot on my way here. It’ll be great, I swear!”

“Fiiiiine.” I gave in, because it was still gorgeous out and I wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to be alone with him. “But,” I started, “I need to go back and change first. I definitely smell and look all melted.”

“I think you look beautiful.” He said before throwing his arm back around me as we made it out of the garden and onto the sidewalk. I rolled my eyes. “Fine,” he said, “but I’m coming with you.”

Despite my half-baked protests the whole walk back about him coming back to the AirBnB, he ended up inside, sprawled out on the bed while I was trying to pick out an outfit. I already knew what I wanted to wear but was trying to stall having to get in the shower with him there. It was a studio, meaning there was no where for me to really hide and although I trusted that he wouldn’t try anything, since he swore it over and over again on the way down and since he still hadn’t tried to kiss me, I was still a little nervous.

I turned to him and held the apartment key out, “Why don’t you go and get the supplies while I get ready. I’ll send you the key code for downstairs.”

He smiled knowingly, “Sure, love. I’ll be back in a bit.” He rose from the bed and left quietly.

I let out a nervous breath, feeling so much more comfortable with him gone. I wanted to kiss him, and definitely fuck him, but him being on the other side of the door while I was in the shower was a level of intimacy I was not ready for.

It felt good to shower, to feel all the sweat and dirt slide off my body. I stepped out and wrapped the towel around my body while checking my phone to see whether or not Ben had gotten back yet. I didn’t see a text from him asking for the code (I was purposely waiting to give it to him so I knew when he was back and it was safe to leave the bathroom) meaning it was safe to step out.

“Oh, wow…” Ben’s eyes locked with mine and I jumped, not expecting him to be sprawled out on the bed as he was before.

“Fuck! Ben, you didn’t tell me you were back!” I pulled the towel tighter around my body.

He sat up, obviously sensing my discomfort and put a hand over his eyes, “I knocked on the door and told you I was back!”

“You didn’t text and ask for the code!”

“Someone was going in when I got back! I didn’t need it!” He stood up, hand still over his eyes, “Sorry,” he pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, “I’m just gonna…” he held them up to me, “just text me when you’re okay with me coming back.”

I stifled a laugh as he backed out of the studio.

[painandpleasure86]

I can’t live with you (but I can’t live without you) - JohnicaWeek 2020

Author’s note: This idea born in my mind since Rachel announced this special week. My real life inspo were my own parents, married since 1991 (I born in 1992). Here I portray this couple as I imagine, based in real life experience having a 67 yrs old dad and in things that I read about this couple. This will be the most realistic posible representation of them that I could write. Don’t hate me if isn’t all cuteness here, life it’s good but also bad things :/ Also sorry if it’s too cheesy! I don’t like make suffer to my characters a lot lol.

Art by @imflashqueen (instagram). She drew the second piece inspired in my story! She was my beta indeed :3 Thank you for give me some feedback! Ah, and the first one was an old collab that we did in last November!

Plus, i’m doing this just for mere entertainment ;) I just love participate in this kind of events to meet new people, practicing my skills and have fun!

Summary: The anniversary date it’s here! How will they react about this?

Pairing: Current John and Ronnie :)

Warnings: Angst, some humor, some swearing, some fluff too. Mention of death.

Word count: 2139 words, perhaps my longest fic. If not, the second one.

Prompt used: Anniversary Day

First part

January 11th. Just like another weekend, another morning. He left very early his bed, trying to not wake up her. He wants some quientness to drink his tea. He wants to forget for a moment everything. Ever that next Saturday will be 18th. Just like in 1975. A cold Saturday in that catholic church, where Freddie made a particular entrance. Remembering that made him smile, but then was so upset, because Fred were ruining the strict ceremony. 

“I’ll always love you bud. Cheers for you” he said rising his almost empty cup of tea watching the sky through the windom and finishing his tea. 

His eyes were shining. His smile, wide. Until…

“Morning, no?” she said near to him.

He jumpscared a bit.

“God Ron! You know that I have heart problems…” he exaggerated putting his left hand in his chest.

She laughed.

“Exaggerated as always…” she added.

“Morning, yeah!?” he said finally, letting the empty cup of tea in the nearest table.

She started to prepare her breakfast. 

“Who you were talking?”

Lighting a cigarette, he said “I… just remembered something Ron.” He aspired the smoke deeply. Now the cigarette are between his index and his middle finger of his right hand. 

“Something happy”. Let go to the smoke through his nose.

Her eyes focused in him and smiling widely.

“I just remembered when Freddie entered to the church with that two girls in our wedding.” He aspired the smoke again. “Hahahaha… he couldn’t did it in another way!”

Her face turned so quickly in an deceptioned expression.

“oh… that, haha.” she said meanwhile she was preparing her tea.

Letting go the smoke but now from his mouth, he smiled mischievously. He did it again.

---------------------------------------------------

In the afternoon of that Saturday, the couple received a video call of their youngest offspring.

“Hiiiiii dad!! Hiiii mom!!!” he said with his habitual happiness, smiling widely.

Both parents greeted to their son.

The young continued talking.

“How you feel knowing that next Sat will be your anniversary?”

Ronnie smiled widely. “FINE!!”

But he stared at the camera and rolled his eyes, sighing. “Another year” he said kinda melancholic.

His son and his wife watched at him.

“Huh? I was honest.” But really he wasn’t real honest…

Trying to change the mood, Cameron added with a smile “Well, the fans are more excited for that than you, and you’re the one that’s married with that lady” winking an eye to his mom.

Being visible upset, the old man said: “That fans, ha! Try to be married at least 5 years and have 3 children in the meantime and after they can say if they’re happy with that life! I have enough of that fans speaking about me like the cute one, the good dad! I wasn’t one all the time for fucking god's sake!”. He raised of his chair and slammed the door of the room.

“Another time with that rant about the fans…” she said sighing and watching at her child.

“Well, let’s speak about you then mom. You have plans to the anniversary?” he said trying to make smile to the 69 years old woman.

She said “yeah. I reserved a table in Nobu for that day” and smiled shyly.

“MOOOOOOM, that restaurant it’s so famous. Every famous people will can see you with Dad there” almost shout the young man.

“It’s my intention, son.” and she smiled kinda mischievously.

-------------------------------

Second part

Another 18th came finally. Another year. Another cold winter day. Another time where he remembered why he did that.

He opened his eyes that morning earlier than usual. He watched at his side. She was snoring softly. 

Finally he decided take his morning tea. Putting his robe and his winter flip-flops, go to the kitchen. He’s trying to not make any noise. More than ever, this morning needs that Ronnie don’t wake up at the same time than him. More than ever wants some silence and time with himself.

In the kitchen, he puts to boil some water to his tea. Meanwhile, he smokes a cigarette watching at outside through the window, still dark.

“45 damn years today. For good or bad... “ he sigh deeply meanwhile he was thinking. “Sometimes I ask myself why I did that. Sometimes I wanted to get away from this life, but for some reason i’m still here. Perhaps i’m tired of trying? I don’t know.” He aspired the smoke and let it go in a deep exhalation. “The only certainty it’s that I decided 45 years ago that beautiful slim prego lady, now an old woman, be my wife. Her…” and his thoughts were interrupted for the sound of the boiling water. “For fucking god’s sake…” he mumbled, while he turned off the fire. He prepared the tea and go to his “office” to check the internet. “Let’s see what the people say about me today… Wait. It’s early… Don’t care. I’ll be with this all day long if it’s necessary. This will be more fun than always.”

He sat at his desk with his computer, with his tea in one side. Meanwhile the PC was initializing, he was with a lot of expectative.

He sips his tea and opened the navigator. Typed the right search in the search bar. “Gosh, a lot of thing already. That people really loves me being with her”, he whispered. Clicks in the first result. And he started to laugh. “Happy 45th anniversary blahblahblah, his marriage its the proof that the love always wins” he said reading the text on that post in a social network. “Little person, it’s just the proof that I prefer be with her for a reason. Well... Six reasons. Hahahaha” he “responded”. 

Another post. That one, a drawing. “Oh okay, I look cute with her, goooootcha” he said  with a pinch of sarcasm. 

A fic. In this he stopped to read it entirely. He almost ended his tea meanwhile. And his laugh was harder. “These little girls haves a lot of imagination. Gosh, why I’m almost always the good boy in this things? Hahahahaha”

And another, and another, and another… He passed a lot of his morning there, having fun or merely entertain himself with the posts of the fandom. More than always.

Ronnie wake up. And her husband isn’t there with her. “John… at least today…” she though resigned meanwhile she puts her robe and his flip-flops.

When she was about to down the stairs, she listened a loud laugh. “He’s in the studio”.

She knocked the door. 

And he sighed. “why Ronnie?” he though. But he said “come in!”, still laughing.

“Morning Ronnie!” he said as any morning. But that one wasn't like any morning. Was the morning.

She stared at him, after close the door behind her. 

“Just that?”

He rolled his eyes, sighing.

“Happy anniversary Ronnie!” and he smiled quite exaggerated. “Come here”.

She was with mixed thoughts and kinda hysterical, but she approached him. She after a few steps was at his side. He hugged her, still in that comfy chair, with funny face. She couldn’t resist to hug him too, caressing his almost bald head. “Sometimes I hate your behavior John” though Ronnie. “But anyways i think that I still like to be with you, haha”, continued in her mind, quite smiling.

He, moving his face to leave that embrace, said “Well honey, I told it. I was cute no? hahaha. Stay with me and have fun with me reading that things that under 30-years-old girls write and draw about us”.

She stepped away from him.

“John, that people are just being kind with you. A lot of people recognize you now. A whole new generation. And they’re educated greeting us for the anniversary”, she said watching at him.

He laughed. Turning his chair in her direction, he continued talking. 

“Ron, that people thinks that marriage its easy, plus having 6 SIX kids to raise! Isn’t nice, it’s hard! And super stressful!”

Her face showed her nuisance.

“Ha, really you say that? You always recording or touring or in an endless holidays. I raised OUR kids ALONE a lot of time!”

He sighed so deeply. He started to need another cigarette. Now his arms are crossed.

“Really this again? Honey, stop. We fixed that already. Now i’m more at home with you and I helped a lot raising to our youngest kids”

Without thinking in the repercussion of her words, she said “Yeah, just because Freddie died before the birth of our youngest ones” and she half turned to her left, arms crossed.

He was without words. Was like a dagger in his heart. He didn’t knew how to react. A lot of mixed feelings. His hands in his face, he reclined his head.

“Veronica, get out.”

She, watching the results of her impulse, tried to fix that situation… in vain.

“But John, it wasn’t m-”

“GET. OUT.” His words were like a sharp.

She left the room, almost crying. “Well I’ll change my clothes meanwhile… and ill make my breakfast” she though in the meanwhile.

--------------------

That old wound was opened. he remembered that words about getting older together writing songs. he remembered how Freddie cheered him up to write songs, how he said once “shhhh John it’s creating”. He remembered noticed that scars. And knowing that his friend would die sooner than everyone expected. “He had a lot to give… We lost a lot of moments together for that damn disease. He was my real fuel to composing, and when he gone, my interest faded away. I just wanted to survive…” he started to think. He raise of his chair and took an old whiskey that he had over there, serve a glass of it and drank it of one sip. He lighted that necessary cigarette, now watching at the window, immersed in memories, in things that happened… He cried.

In audible voice, he said

“Fuck you Ronnie. Why you said that? Why you opened that wound again?” He sighed deeply, putting the cigarette in his mouth and aspiring the smoke. “I can’t live with you, but I can’t live without you, sadly.” Exhaled the smoke for his mouth. “Why I couldn’t leave you? I’m a masochistic? I love a lot to my offspring? In the very deep inside, I still love you? I don’t know really…” Aspired the smoke of the cigarette again, the last one. The cigarette its too short now. Throwing the cigarette to the floor, he stepped on it, turning it off. Exhaling the smoke, he continued. “You are my life, despite all the events. I give you my life. My love. My “freedom”. I married with you just having 23 years old. I REALLY loved you. Now?” He sighs deeply. “I don’t know. I just know that I don’t hate you”.

He didn’t knew that those words were listened for her, she opened silently the door minutes ago to apologize her  for her words and she stared there, listening.

“John…” she said with tears in her eyes.

He turned his face enough to show her that he noticed her presence, smiling. She entered to the room running. She hugged him. “Sorry John. I- I was impulsive”.

Now watching at the window again, he said “nothing to sorry. It’s okay” and he placed his left hand over her hand that was hugging him from the back. He take that hand and kissed it. He turned to her and hugged her tightly.

“You should knocked that door first, he said, leaving the embrace.

“well, I-” started to say Ronnie, kinda scared.

“hahahaha! Relax! Now come with me and read that things that the people say about us” he said going to sit to his chair again.

“No John.” she said, shaking his head.

“Uh Ron, you’re booooooring! hahahah”

“That aren’t plans for an anniversary” she said, getting closer to him.

Watching at her eyes, he said “and go for a dinner today? We don’t usually go to dinner and you want TODAY? Oh, and I just hope that you didn’t asked to the Father of the parish  to office a Mass for our anniversary! I’ll not go to the church today, and nevermore!” 

She stared in silence, incapable to react. Her plans are discovered.

He watched at her, smiling mischievously. “Ha, Mrs you’re so predictable…” he thought.

She, trying to cover her real intentions, responded “Eeeeeh, no. I didn’t do that! You know me John, hehe… I’ll just cook a special meal.”

“No Ron. I’ll do that, and I promise, will not be cheese on toast” he replied smiling lightning another cigarette.

He had a surprise. But one that just he knew… And eventually Ronnie. Because something like that deserves an adequate celebration. And will be at Deacon style.

---------------------------------------------------

If you liked this fic, please reblog and leave a comment! (or if you’re shy, a reply, some emojis as response or an ask (could be in anon!)).

-Lily.

[duckingpunches]

Random shit about me

Thanks for the tag @galaxy-whiskers !!!! Love you dude x 

1. what is the colour of your hairbrush? I don’t have one! My hair is currently buzzed and has been sort for about 5 years 

2. name of a food you never eat? Oh gosh where to start, I’m a pretty fussy eater. Top of the list would probably be avocado, gross

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? Probably too hot! Especially at night when I’m at university, my boyfriend is a bloody furnace 

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? Watching Friday Night Dinner with my family 

5. what’s your favourite candy bar? Ummmmm, probably Green and Black’s 70% dark chocolate. That stuff is goooooooood

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event? Yeah! My brother is a gymnast, so I’ve been to his events. I’ve also been to lots of premier league football games as my bio dad is a big fan.

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? Shouting my dog from across the room 

8. what is your favourite ice cream? Either Ben and Jerry’s half-baked cookie dough and brownie or their new ‘Netflix and chilled’ flavour which is INCREDIBLE. It’s peanut ice cream, salted and sweet pretzel swirls with brownie chunks. To die for honestly. 

9. what is the last thing you had to drink? Some Vimto (though Ribena is always superior) squash in my new water bottle. It’s honestly so sick, I bought it off amazon and it keeps my drinks cold all day. For example, I went to work at 4am and when I finished at 1pm the ice cubes I put in that morning were still fully there, excellent purchase. 

10. do you like your wallet? Yeah! It was my first ‘men’s’ wallet and even though it’s starting to fall apart I love it 

11. what was the last thing you ate? A crème egg hahahaha. My work had reduced all of the Easter stuff, so I bought three packs of twelve for less than a pound. 

12. did you buy any new clothes last week? Not last week, but I did the week before. A company I really like called ‘Lame’ were doing an offer where you get a free cap with every hoodie, so I snagged their ‘Satan’s Spinach’ one. It’s super comfy, a lot thicker than regular hoodies, comes in recycled packaging and has thumb holes!!!!!! 

13. last sporting event you watched? Honestly couldn’t tell you 

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn? Sweet n Salted every single time

15. who was the last person you sent a message to? My boyfriend! I’m missing him a lot at the minute with the quarantine, so I mainly send him memes all day

16. ever go camping? Allllll the time as a kid, but less so now. I was in the scouts, so we went a lot and my family used to go on holiday with a few other families when I was younger, we did it for about seven years until all of us kids were older. I do love it though and as soon as I get my car, I’m planning on buying a tent and going a lot more. 

17. do you take vitamins? Not really 

18. do you go to church every Sunday? I used to, then I came out and got kicked out. Not really religious anymore 

19. do you have a tan? Not currently, but whenever I go abroad, or it gets hot where I live, I tan really well.  

20. do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? Hmmm a tough one, but probably Chinese! There are quite a few good places round me, and my sister used to work for a local restaurant so you can imagine we ate it quite a lot 😬

21. do you drink soda with a straw?                                                             Nope! 

22. what colour socks do you wear? Every colour under the sun. I love socks so much. The more colourful and uglier the better 

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? Nah, I’m still having lessons so my instructor wouldn’t be very happy if I did! 

24. what terrifies you? My friends and family dying. My dog going missing. Never having top surgery. Not enjoying my life. Gah, the list could just go on 

25. look to your left what do you see? My bookcase 

26. what chore do you hate? Probably doing the bathroom or picking up my dogs shit lmao 

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? My ex-girlfriend. Shudder. 

28. what’s your favourite soda? Fanta! Specifically, orange, fruit twist used to be my favourite, but the classic is just peng as fuck 

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru? Into usually 

30. who was the last person you talked to? My sister, we were talking about how shit dinner is going to be 

31. favourite cut of beef? Not a fan of beef really 

32. last song you listened to? Sweet creature by Harry Styles. My Alexa has his albums on shuffle right now

33. last book you read? I’m currently re-reading ‘call me by your name’ which is one of my favourites 

34. can you say the alphabet backwards? Definitely not  

35. how do you like your coffee? Don’t drink coffee unfortunately 

36. favourite pair of shoes? My Dinosaur Vans. They are wicked and my friend recommended them to me after buying a pair herself and they are super comfy 

37. the time you normally go to bed? If I’m working, 8pm because I have to wake up at 3:50am. If I’m not working, about midnight.

38. the time you normally wake up? If I’m working, 3:50am. If I have a day off, around 9am 

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets? Sunsets, I love watching out of my window, reading a good book with my dog curled up on the bed and a chill album playing. Some of my favourite memories are being on holiday or scout camp with my mates and talking as the sunsets. Very zen  

40. how many blankets are on your bed? My duvet, a weighted blanket belonging to my mum which I have stolen temporarily, a grey blanket and my fish blanket. So many….

41. describe your kitchen plates? Mishmash of my grandparents’ old plates, my ones from uni and a few random ones we have had from friends. We are doing up the house, so we wanted ones we didn’t mind breaking. Our nice Gordon Ramsey plates are in the shed hahahaha. Though we have been doing up the house for about three years now, so I haven’t used the fancy plates in an age. 

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? Probably the cocktail my sister and I make. It’s vodka, peach schnapps, Malibu, mango juice, mango monster and lemonade. 

43. do you play cards? Not really 

44. what colour is your car? I don’t have one rip 

45. can you change a tire? Yeah! 

46. your favourite province? No idea 

47. favourite job you’ve had? My current job tbf. I work at Waitrose and it’s pretty nice, especially the pay. I have worked at a few places. First being red5 for about 6 months, then I worked at a children’s mental health charity where I loved my colleagues and the groups I ran, but my managers and some of the stuff I had to see and deal with were just terrible. My 18 months there were probably the worst of my life.  

48. how did you get your biggest scar?

TW//////////// Self-harm when I was about 14. I had to have stitches. /////////////////

49. what did you do today that made someone happy? I fed my dog and he was pretty happy about that 😂

I tag @new-brat-in-town @thecrazycreation @yunoaccept @mixmio 

No pressure though!! 

[carolinesbookworld]

tagged by @kabeswaters and @swellwriting <3

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? 0

describe yourself in a hashtag? very similar to @fortisfiliae #stressedanddepressed

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? Harrison Osterfield

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? prepare for disaster

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? um...idk my boyfriend knows basically everything about me sooooooo

what’s your wake up ritual? wake up, turn off alarm (bc with this at-home learning stuff i’ve been waking up like literally 1 min before my alarm goes off???), text good morning to my bf, snapchat, discord bc moonlit fam talks allll night, tumblr, get out of bed, wash face, get dressed, coffee and breakfast it’s very specific

what’s your go to bed ritual? wash glasses and face bc my skin is soo oily by the end of the day so you best believe my glasses be needing washing everyday, shower, say goodnight to fam, text bf for like 15 mins or until he says goodnight, turn alarm on, plug in phone, go to sleep

what’s your favorite time of day? morning but specifically from 7:30 until 9  

your go to for having a good laugh? FRIENDS as in the show

dream country to visit? Australia bc my dad once got to hold a baby koala there and i wanna do that so bad

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? so my family moved before my sophomore year so me and my bff started trying to surprise each other whenever one of us came to visit and the weekend of my birthday, she skypes me as she’s walking around what i thought was her house and then i start hearing an echo and next thing i know she’s standing in the doorway of my room and that was pretty much the best surprise ever

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers converse

vintage or new? new but i love vintage aesthetic i just couldn’t live with it

who do you want to write your obituary? karli @swellwriting bc she is my brain twin and i would be mocking her horrible grammar and spelling from my grave and we would both get a good laugh about it in the afterlife

style icon? the mom i babysit for haha she’s like one of my best friends tho which sounds really weird but it’s true

what are three things you cannot live without? books, dogs, days that are exactly 65 degrees

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? um idk chocolate??

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? Sarah J. Maas, Eddie Redmayne, my boyfriend bc i haven’t had dinner with him for 47 days

what’s your biggest fear in life? losing the people i love...and spiders

window or aisle seat? window bc aisle makes me anxious that i’m in people’s way

what’s your current tv obsession? the cw’s nancy drew it’s so good please go watch it

favorite app? instagram, discord, or tumblr, depends on my mood

secret talent? um idk i can draw very realistic portraits of people when i take the time to

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? okay so technically this wasn’t me who did it but i was part of the adventure. when me and my boyfriend were just “friends” ie. liked each other and knew we liked each other but were too scared to admit it. anyway, we had this elaborate plan to shave our youth group leader’s head if we were able to bring in a certain amount of food for the food drive during vbs week. so yeah we spent like three days planning the whole thing out and then decided to go price shopping at walmart with all of our younger siblings bc we needed supervision or something lol to see how many individual things of food we could buy with $20 each we ended up just getting like 20 huge boxes of ramen and then his sister ended up throwing up so we took her home and then went back to church where my car was parked but instead of turning to get to church my boyfriend decides to go straight through the stop light (it was green okay) and spontaneously drive up into the foothills. well we get to the top of the foothills and we’re at the lake and we all get out to look at the city and my boyfriend claims that we need to document this moment so he takes a selfie with all of us and we somehow ended up right next to each other in it and i only found this out like three months ago (this happened back in june) that he only took the picture because he wanted one of us together in case we didn’t start dating lol so sweet and yeah, that was a very long story but i needed context instead of just saying “yeah we drove up a mountain”

how would you define yourself in three words? loyal, anxious, passionate

favorite piece of clothing you own? this dark coral dress that makes my eyes and hair look really pretty

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a hoodie

a superpower you would want? i want to be able to project my thoughts into someone else’s mind bc i’m so bad at explaining stuff sometimes especially when it comes to how i feel

what’s inspiring you in life right now? ACOTAR series by Sarah J. Maas, highly recommend

best piece of advice you’ve received? opening up to more than one person is important because if you lose that person then you’ve lost all your support

best advice you’d give your teenage self? the friends who have stuck around this long are the ones you want to hang onto and the ones that you need are the ones you don’t always see

a book everyone should read? The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

what would you like to be remembered for? being a crazy dog mama

how do you define beauty? confidence in yourself and not caring what others think about you

what do you love most about your body? my metabolism

best way to take a rest/decompress? open a window to feel the breeze and listen to Islands by Hey Ocean! which is so calming to me

favorite place to view art? nature or tumblr

if your life was a song, what would the title be? we’re going with a fob/p!atd theme here and calling it “depression screwed me over so i screwed it back and ended up worse off”

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? probably on my forearm or by my left hip

dolphins or koalas? koalas did i mention that i want to hold a baby koala

what’s an animal that represents you? great dane puppy ie. very excitable but will also take a four hour nap when tired

best gift you’ve ever received? my best friend made this photo collage for me when i moved that is hanging in my room and it has a bunch of pictures of me and her over the years and i just love it

best gift you’ve given? for christmas i gave my boyfriend a hammock and the bookshelf addition of clue, two things he had no idea i would remember him mentioning and his face was priceless. also i made my mom a cake for her birthday this year and she was so happy and said it made her feel very special <3

what’s your favorite board game? clue or ticket to ride (specifically nordic countries)

what’s your favorite color? currently a pale turquoise

least favorite color? any shade of light brown

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore bc i don’t wear makeup enough to validate buying designer, also i don’t really care

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee cof-

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? palindrome is wild because it means a word spelled the same way forwards and backwards but it itself is not one such word

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? summer but like, only june

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? panera mac n cheese

a dessert you don’t like? red velvet cake which btw is not red-colored chocolate cake as many would have you believe

a skill you’re working on mastering? writing

best thing to happen to you today? i got to put all of my new plants in my windowsill and i named one of them (its name is albert in case you were wondering)

worst thing to happen to you today? idk today’s been pretty good as far as quarantine goes

best compliment you’ve ever received? my boyfriend calls me beautiful all the time and he always reminds me that that is describing looks and personality

favorite smell? coffee or my boyfriend’s sweatshirt for the week after i steal it

hugs or kisses? can i choose both?? depends on my mood mostly but i guess hugs if i just had to pick one

if you made a documentary, would it be about? literally anything relating to the mcu

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? a court of wings and ruin by sjm

lipstick or lipgloss? lipstick

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? literally any female in the teen wolf cast

how do you know you’re in love? hahahaha haha what's love

a song you can listen to on repeat? we fall apart by we as human or uma thurman by fob

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? idk my boyfriend probably, this is something we have discussed in depth

what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? for life to go back to normal

tagging @finnofamerica @woakiees @beskarjedi @outerlacy @swanimagines hahahahaha have funnnnn this took me an hour to answer

[hjazysol]

The Ultimate Quiet Game

Pit, Zelda, R.O.B, Snake, Dark Pit, Samus, Captain Falcon, Sheik, Lucario, and Cloud are all watching a movie.

Movie Girl: I can't believe I almost died twice when I walked outta that bank with 15 Million dollars.

Movie Man 1: We're quite the team.

Movie Man 2: No. We're quite the family.

All of them: Family.

The film ends.

Cloud: Worst. Movie. Ever.

Eveyone: Aww. Come on. It wasn't that bad. Yeah.

Zelda: Well it's only 9o'Clock you guys wanna play any games or something? Yeah. What games do you guys have?

Dark Pit smiling: Well we have Risk.

The guys: Nice!

Sheik: Why do guys like Risk so much?

Zelda: Seriously it takes forever.

Pit: What's wrong with Risk? It not that bad.

They all start arguing between one another.

Samus: Hey how about we play the Quiet Game!

Everyone stares at her.

Pit: Okay Mom.

Zelda: Sorry Samus.

R.O.B: Yeah.

Samus: What no I'm serious. Growing up I used to play the Quiet Game with the Chozo all the time it was so much fun. *starts counting on her fingers* I would play the Quiet Game, the Sit Still in Church game, Ask for the Cheapest Christmas Present Game. One time I won because I asked for a piece of dirt.

Everyone was confused.

Pit: Your childhood makes me sad.

Zelda: Why don't we play the quiet game?

Dark Pit: Wait are you serious?

Zelda: Yep. And whoever wins gets to pick what we play next.

Sheik: Like Apples to Apples?

Samus: Is that like wash the dishes?

Pit with his hands covering his mouth: Oh my goodness I got sadder.

Zelda puts her hand on his shoulder.

Dark Pit standing up: Ok but no complaining. Ladies. When we enter our 5 hour of Risk.

Samus: Fine.

R.O.B: Yeah.

Lucario clears his throat.

R.O.B went into a zen pose.

Dark Pit: Okay everyone. Ready, Set, Go.

*Silence*

Zelda, Sheik and Samus slap the person next to them.

Pit, R.O.B and Lucario: Oww!

R.O.B: I didn't know we were playing street rules!

Falcon goes over and sits next to Sheik she boops his nose. And points to her cheek making a kiss noise.

C.Falcon leaning in: Really?

Dark Pit emotes angrily since he was out.

R.O.B: Falcon!!!

Falcon inching his fingers closer together: Oh. I was so close.

Dark Pit hits him on the back directing him to the losers area. Dark Pit, Cloud and Snake stand back to back doing karate poses. Zelda and Samus pick up Duck Hunt Dog and Isabelle and hand them to Cloud and Snake.

Cloud: Awwwww.

Pit: Guys.

Snake happily: I'm not even upset you guys haha.

Cloud: I love it.

Dark Pit was alone and was now cornered. The girls tip toed towards him. Dark Pit pulled out one of Snake's grenades.

Samus: Woah!

Everyone: Oh. Woah Woah Woah!

Sheik: Woah Dark Pit! Dark Pit it's just a game!

Samus: Don't be a fool!

Zelda was disappointed that they had started talking as she thought he was just bluffing. Dark Pit started doing happy gestures and waving his arms about.

R.O.B: Hey hey hey. Maybe we should just calm down Dark Pit. Zelda gives up, right?

Samus: Yes

Zelda turns betrayed.

Sheik: Zelda it's a grenade.

Pit: You do.

Snake: Think of the puppies.

Zelda grabs Dark Pit's arm.

Sheik: Oh. Ahh.

She then puts the grenade in her mouth.

Everyone: Aahhh nononono!!!!

R.O.B taps at his head.

Lucario: Woah! Be careful.

Dark Pit pulls the pin.

Zelda: Aaaahhhh! Wha- You did it!

Dark Pit: Hahahaha I win. Who's the fool now!

Zelda: Y-You are you've killed us all!!!

Dark Pit: Oh calm down.

Throws it out the window.

Everyone started screaming.

Pit ignoring what happened: So Risk.

Everyone: Yes Risk. Come on.

The Girl's look traumatised.

[bbyiknowplaces]

Lover Dissertation.

Written while listening to the entirety of LOVER. @taylorswift @taylornation

(Lover by Taylor Swift. August 22nd 9PM)

I FORGOT YOU EXISTED - A bop.  A real bop. This beat. I LOVE IT. HOLY. “IT ISN’T LOVE IT ISN’T HATE IT’S JUST INDIFFERENCE.” AND IT WAS SO NIIIIIIIICE. Holy crap this is literally so catchy and “SO YEAH.”

CRUEL SUMMER – TAKE ME NOW. WHAT DOESN’T KILL ME MAKES ME WANT YOU MORE. UNBREAKABLE HEAVEN. ALL THE EASTER EGGS. Okay, Cruel Summer is a bop and it’s going to kill radio. I DON’T WANNA KEEP SECRETS JUST TO KEEP YOU. I LOVE YOU AIN’T THAT THE WORST THING YOU EVER HEARD.

LOVER – Oh, just hand me a box of tissues and throw me someone to dance with. Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close? FOREVER AND EVER? RIP ME.

THE MAN - I would be complex, I would be cool. Her vocals. Okay. Holy crap. BOSS LADY. Really though the vocals are SO GOOD. CRAP. IF I SWORE I WOULD SWEAR RIGHT NOW. WHAT I WAS WEARING?? Also  a bop. This beat. Is this Jack too? I have to go check.

THE ARCHER- Just shoot me in the heart already. Dark side, I search for your dark side, but what if I’m all right, right, right, right, here? Oh man, if I was at a secret session it would have been almost worthless because I would have almost no recollection of these songs after one play. Seriously. This is free though time because I know every word of The Archer. I SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME I SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME. It’s taking like ten minutes to download the album to my computer because it’s a big file even though it’s a zip. 18 tracks, baby. Okay, here we go. Continuing.

I THINK HE KNOWS – SNAP. SNAP. SNAP. SNAP. This rap. THIS BEAT. SHE IS SO IN LOVE. I WANNA SEE WHAT’S UNDER THAT ATTITUDE. He better lock it down or I will never stay, hahahaha! BOY I UNDERSTAND. So where we gonna go? Dang.

MISS AMERICANA & THE HEARTBREAK PRINCE – Ooh, eerie. Ripped up my prom dress. I love this sound. NO CAMERAS CATCH MY PAGEANT SMILE. IT’S YOU AND ME. YOU PLAY STUPID GAMES YOU WIN STUPID PRIZES. Voted most likely to run away with you. HEART EYES. You are the only one who seems to care. THE DAMSELS ARE DEPRESSED. NO CAMERAS CATCH MY MUFFLED CRIES. CRYING. (O-KAY!) I love the shouts. GO FIGHT WIN. Someday we’re gonna WIN. Takes me back cause the drama FEELS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL. EYE ROLL. They whisper in the hallway, “she’s a bad, bad girl.”

PAPER RINGS – Cat and mouse for a month or two?? THIS IS ADORABLE. I LIKE SHINY THING BUT I’D MARRY YOU WITH PAPER RINGS. I HATE ACCIDENTS EXCEPT WHEN WE WENT FROM FRIENDS TO THIS. I’m with you even if it make me blue. PAINTED YOUR BROTHERS WALL BLUE. Who’s counting 1,1, 1,2,3,4??!?? In dirty dreams?? I mean true. BABY BOY. DREARY MONDAYS. I like this beat too. Sick. Honestly. I’m almost halfway through! Oh no! You’re the one I want. HEART EYES.

CORNELIA STREET – THIS IS THE SEQUEL TO DELICATE. AFTER THEY LEFT THE BAR HOLY CRAP. This production AHHHHHHHHH. I’ll never walk Cornelia Street again. This is so dreamy. LIKE DRIVING IN THE DARK WITH WINDOWS OPEN. Card sharks, playing games. SAT ON THE ROOF YOU AND I, DRINKING BEER OUT OF PLASTIC CUPS I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT. SACRED NEW BEGINNINGS. LISTEN, I HOPE I NEVER LOSE YOU. HER BREATHY VOCALS AWWWW SHHHHH. AAAA FREAKING CAR DOOR.

DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS – THIS PIANO. WHAT. I dress to kill my time. Okay, the piano is still going. What. WHO IS THIS ABOUT. IS THIS JOE? WHAT. TOM. What? CHANDELIER STILL FLICKERING. But I’ll be alright, it’s just a thousand cuts. THE SAD VIOLIN.

LONDON BOY -  ON MY SCOOTER. THAT WAS SO CUTE. THAT WAS JOE. HIS VOICE. LOL. YOU KNOW I LOVE A LONDON BOY. CAMDEN. DARLING I FANCY YOU. WHY DID MY ANCESTORS MOVE TO AMERICA, I COULD HAVE BEEN BORN IN FREAKING ENGLAND. THE WEST END. GREY SKY. CAB RIDE. DON’T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME. HER ACCENT HAHAHA! HIS MATES. LIKE A TENNESEE STELLA MCCARTNEY. So I guess all the rumors are true? WINK.

SOON YOU’LL GET BETTER – Oh, I love a guitar. I didn’t tell you I was scared. Desparate people find faith. THE HARMONIES. JUST LIKE I IMAGINED THEM. EVEN BETTER. CAUSE YOU HAVE TO. What am I supposed to do if there’s no you? Just so sad. I just.

FALSE GOD – Saxophone yes. I don’t know anything about this one. I can’t talk to you like this. I still do it for you, babe. HOLY MORE SAXOPHONE. YES. TAYLOR YES. We’d still worship this love. I know heaven’s a thing, I go there when you touch me. Hell is when I fight with you. THE ALTER IS MY HIPS I MEAN. Well, that was sexy.

YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN – A REAL FREAKING BOP. It’s better with headphones. The reverb. It sounds different when put with the entire album. Seriously, though it sounds different. I can’t wait to hear the secret session audio tomorrow and put all these songs into their stories cause I’m not that great at it and even if I were great at it, Taylor has all the details and context to really paint the actual picture she’s trying to get across.

AFTERGLOW – Okay. Okay. Put you in jail for something you didn’t do. SHE’S SO GROWN. WHY’D I HAVE TO BREAK WHAT I LOVE SO MUCH. HEY IT’S ALL ME AND MY HEAD. I’M THE ONE WHO BURNED THIS DOWN. BUT IT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT. I DON’T WANNA LOSE THIS WITH YOU. MEET ME IN THE AFTERGLOW. Low, blue, ways she describes him. PUNISHED YOU WITH SILENCE. It’s all me, in my head. It’s all me. I promise to be over dramatic. J JUST DON’T GO. Tell me that we’ll be just fine even when I lose my mind. Okay, Joe has been through a lot and Taylor has been through a lot and a relationship is so much give and take and highs and lows but holding onto each other through the whole thing and WANTING TO HOLD ONTO EACH OTHER is what makes it real.

ME! – The ORIGINAL. THE EASTER EGG MASTERPIECE. FREAK. LET’S DO THIS. MEET ME IN THE AFTERGLOW. Wow, that’s gonna be stuck in my head for a while. Me takes on a bigger meaning after hearing the rest of the album and I like that it’s at the end to tie things up that there’s only one of you and me and NOBODY’S GONNA LOVE YOU LIK ME.

IT’S NICE TO HAVE FRIEND – Vocals. Choir. Oh. STEEL DRUM. WHAT. Taylor walking to school carrying coffee. Steel drums though. You been stressed out lately, me too. THE TRUMPET. UH, BELLS. UKULELE. CHURCH BELLS. FEELS LIKE HOME. STAY IN BED ALL WEEKEND. CAUSE THEY’RE BEST FRIENDS AND LOVERS. COLBIE CAILAT.

DAYLIGHT – SO DREAMY. EVERYONE LOOKED WORSE IN THE LIGHT. I’ll tell you the truth but never goodbye. I don’t wanna look at anything else now that I saw you. THIS IS SO CUTE. SHE’S FOUND. IT. SHE SEES DAYLIGHT. CLEARING THE AIR I BREATHED IN THE SMOKE. RAN WITH THE WOLVES. CLOAKS AND DAGGERS. THIS BASS. YES. I COULD NEVER LOOK AWAY. OMG IMAGINE THIS AT THE END OF TOUR. AND NOW I’M WIDE AWAKE. DAYLIGHT DAYLIGHT DAYLIGHT DAYLIGHT REPEAT FOREVER. BRIDGE. TAKE ME. TAKE ME AWAY. AND I CAN STILL SEE IT ALL IN MY HEAD. BURNING RED. IT’S BURNING RED. OH CRAP. OH CRAP. SHE DID. SHE DID!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S ONLY HALFWAY OVER WHAT THE FREAK. I ONLY SEE DAYLGHT. ALL THE BACKGROUND VOCALS COMING TOGETHER. THE PIANO, IMAGINE HEARING THIS ON THE PIANO ON TOUR. STEP INTO THE FREAKING DAYLIGHT AND LET IT GO. LET IT GO. THERE’S STILL 45 MORE SECONDS. AUDIO. YOU ARE WHAT YOU LOVE AND I LOVE YOU, TAYLOR. NO DON’T LET IT BE OVER. I HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT AGAIN. DON’T LET IT STOP.

Wow. It’s really over. There’s so MUCH, FREAKING SO MUCH. Oh, man I just love it so much. The honesty, the love, the reflections of relationships and things done wrong and things done right. It really is a new beginning. I want this feeling of being complete and whole and loved no matter WHAT to never end. Because you both deserve it.

[parvummalum07]

Inky paths of life 01

First post on Tumblr. Well. I am not a native English speaker so I Really don’t know whether or not I should use simple present tense when my characters are thinking...So, sorry if my shit grammar and very limited vocabulary bother you.

Soulmate AU; John POV; most likely bad ending and major character death. I hope I would actually finish this one hahahaha...

I don’t own these people; they own me, in some way or another. God bless the Beatles.

Nothing is real and nothing is to hung about.

He knew they would come in one way or another; suddenly or slowly, sometimes just under one’s eyes. So it didn’t surprise him that his word chose to came in the most unattractive and mediocre way: it appeared in his dream, without him noticing. And it also didn’t surprise him that it chose to appear across his waist, the position most people have their words. Mediocre, indeed; even its context was rather boring, because there was only one word instead of a sentence that people usually have and really, what kind of boring lover would make the last word she would say to him Johnny? Wouldn’t that unknown person choose to leave a more charming, more romantic remark on her own death?

 Wouldn’t his lover be different than those idiots who would actually call the names of their soulmates when they die?

 Yes, the fucking fate whispered in his ears, I did chose such an unpleasant soulmate for you, because why not? He brushed these dark thoughts away with a sneering bark, but in the dead of night, when he finally got rid of Mimi’s endless remarks on that ‘special person’, and had to face the darkness alone, such thoughts crept up to his spine, leaving an icy trace between his shoulder blades. You are just an ordinary human being, this disembodied voice said to him, just a boy that nobody loves. Your dad left you, your mom left you, no one at school likes you, you are the troublemaker and the stupid one, failing your courses all the time. So why an interesting soulmate?

 And deep down inside, he agreed. Maybe John Lennon doesn’t deserve a unique soulmate, and that’s OK. But still, a part of himself thought of his word as a……sign? Maybe a prophecy? Deep down there was a kind of hope shining like twilight: at least, for now, he surely has a soulmate……he had heard about illnesses—and sometimes, the lack of love—which would deprive a person from having a mark at the age of 15; at least he didn’t belong to them. Maybe, just maybe, there was a soulmate—probably a good-looking one—must be a good-looking one, come on! –right there, waiting for John, and she would love him no matter what.

 Maybe.

   The first time he felt like meeting a soulmate, he realized later on, was the time he met Paul. Of course he didn’t know how it feels, but that was the closest ever feeling compared to his imagination. The earth would not stop turning, there wouldn’t be blinding light flashing everywhere……but there was definitely something going on. Sparks flying. The first time he ever saw that Elvis-looking boy walking into that church, he thought: holy shit.

 Not a decent thing to say in a church, he knew, but still. The scene was shocking.

 Technically speaking it wasn’t the first time he met Paul because he had seen him, had met him on the bus for several times, had saw him waving to the girls alongside the window, smiling as if surprised and embarrassed by the admiration from the other gender. He regarded this gesture as phony, for what kind of girls wouldn’t fall for his looks, with those cherubic cheeks and doe eyes? He knew some guys who would howl at these pair of eyebrows as well; sex appeals, it seems, are not so mutually exclusive. Later on he would alter this belief, admitting that yes, that little Elvis really didn’t expect such attraction, but at that time the stranger on the bus seemed to be the exact kind of people he would normally hate at first sight.

 Except that he wasn’t. That warm voice of his certainly mastered Twenty flight rock well, but the real surprise fell when Elvis and Little Richard came ringing in the hall. John was immediately attracted by that person, and all of a sudden, the world was making a lot more senses to him. It was truly breathtaking.

 “What was your name again?” he asked after the show-off, trying hard to bury his excitement under a cool mask, and that boy smiled triumphantly.

 “Paul,” he responded, his fingertips sliding down the white keys elegantly, “Paul McCartney.”

   Paul, as far as he knew, was the only one who didn’t show around his own words. This wasn’t usually what a Scouse teenager do within the age hierarchy, for you simply highlight your authority to people younger than you by showing off your words. At first he thought that was because his marks were buried deep in his clothes, on a position where only intimate families could see, but later on, when being asked by a mutual friend of theirs, he laughed and explained.

 “I just don’t do it,” he said lightly to Ivan, after a quite successful gig, when everyone around them were drinking and laughing heavily, “not because it is hard to show or something—God bless those who have their word on their butt—but because I simply don’t want to.”

 “How come?” Pete yelled from afar, his booming voice echoing in the unbearable din. Everyone in the pub began yelling to each other, and John was suddenly very, very angry for the fact that the music was on, so fucking loud that if Paul chose this moment to give Ivan a private answer, he wouldn’t be able to know what he had spoken. But Paul simply smiled; he shook his head fondly and leaned on the bar counter, flying John a glance as he shouted out his order to a rather pissed-looking barman.

 “Weird, isn’t he?” Ivan commented, and he hummed his agreement absent-mindedly, watching the dark-haired boy leaning closer to the bar, a flash of sweaty pale skin appearing under his shirt. His mouth suddenly turned very, very dry.

   They didn’t touch upon this topic until much later, when John was sobbing uncontrollably in Paul’s arms, his attempts at speaking failing pathetically because of erupting hiccups and gasps. The pain of losing Julia was suddenly too intense to endure, he didn’t want that part of himself unveiled in front of Paul, but Paul stuck to him, faced his ferocious burst of anger without a blink of his eye, and finally, finally, John allowed himself to collapse under the embrace of the younger boy, his body limp yet for the first time in days relieved. Paul didn’t mutter a single word, just held a death grip on the back of John’s open shirt, and strangely, that was just what John needed at the moment.

 Finally, after burying his nose in Paul’s neck for a long time—he could smell a faint odor of lavender from Paul’s skin, mixed up with sweat and a fresh scent he couldn’t tell, a scent so uniquely Paul’s—he could finally utter a full sentence without sounding teary.

 “How did you survive all that, Macca?” he whispered, “how did you……get used to…losing…her?”

 Paul inhaled deeply. He inhaled so deeply that John could feel his heart beating within his ribcage, under their closely pressed-together skin. “I didn’t,” after a long pause, he said, his beautiful eyes blank, “I couldn’t. You simply bleed and carry on, that’s all.”

 John breathed. In, out, in, out. So simple, yet so hard. Life is fragile, he suddenly realized, for he would be dead so easily if he simply stops doing this.

 “You don’t admire my dad, I know,” Paul whispered, his sound cracking a little at the end of each word, “but I truly respect him……for he could still carry on. It is a miracle he even survived; I couldn’t imagine……”

 He shuddered, and John suddenly knew.

 “Your mom and dad, they are soulmates, right?”

 He couldn’t see his face but he knew somehow that Paul closed his eyes. “He said to her the words when she……passed away.”

 There was a long silence. John would swear to God that he felt warm wetness sinking into the collar of his shirt, but when Paul spoke again, there was no trace of tears in his voice.

 “That was like a kind of fraud, isn’t it?” he commented, his voice fierce and vibrating with emotion, “Knowing a person’s words and say to him or her the exact sentence before that person dies? It……I don’t know how to put it……how the fuck could someone—anyone—believe that it is the end, it is the last time they……How can they be certain? How can they choose to do so? Isn’t it arrogant to assume themselves to be soulmates? Wasn’t it something that should be decided……not by people?”

 John let go of Paul’s shirt, sat up straight, studied him quite closely. He didn’t know where his glasses were, so he couldn’t tell whether Paul cried or not; but intense sorrow and yearning were erupting from under that girlishly handsome face, appearing and disappearing like flashes of shooting star. This bare, intimate display of his most ferocious emotions didn’t contort Paul’s features, but made him—impossibly—even more beautiful; he now held a face of a pained martyr or a constrained saint, a face that suddenly made John too awed to look at.

 “So this is why you didn’t show your marks to anyone, is it?” he whispered, “do you……not expect your wife or someone to be your soulmate?”

 He would never forget Paul’s tone when he answered that question. “I do,” he said calmly, “I just don’t want them to feel obliged to be my soulmate. That would be too heartbroken for them if I die first.”

   Stu held a different opinion. In fact, Stu held too many different opinions; he and Paul were like two ends of a magnet. But somehow, John found them disturbingly alike: both were sensitive and easy to fall into melancholy, both were mature beyond their own age, both were somehow timid when facing the girls, seemingly unaware of the charm and aura they carried around themselves. Stu, however, was built in much less strong material; John would say he was hesitant, unsure about his future and ambition, whereas Paul was nothing but the opposite.

 He never knew why all these conversations about soulmates or words took place inside dark damp gross-smelling pubs, but they did. One night in Hamburg they were hanging around, simply enjoying themselves, and this topic was brought up between large gulps of beer and rude laughter, in the dance hall filled with people so engaged in having fun that they didn’t even want to think about the future. The light was blinding, flashes of colors erupting like firework across people’s faces.

 “Why did you come to Germany anyway?” Someone, maybe Ringo, asked.

 Stu chuckled. He pulled the neck of his shirt, revealing a patch of milky pale skin. A sharp line of dark words was shining under a thin layer of sweat. “German,” he claimed, when people around him hooted and whistled, “you’d believe that it’s easier to find a bird speaking German here, mates.”

 He didn’t know why he brought that up, but: “Do you know Paul never show his marks to anyone?”

 Stu stared at him, then turned to Paul, who froze beside John’s arm. “Not even to you?” he asked suspiciously, taking in this piece of information with difficulty, “How come?”

 “It doesn’t matter,” Paul retorted, suddenly putting all his guards up like a hedgehog hiding his underbelly while facing an attack, “I just……don’t.”

 Stu swallowed. A sincere shade of unease flashed across his delicate features. “But……what if there’s some accident? What if your words are someone’s last words before an accident takes place? You’ve got to know them to prevent an accident, isn’t it? Life is very short, and there’s no time for you to hesitate.”

 They both jumped when Paul suddenly slammed his bottle of beer hard on the bar counter. “That isn’t my case, is it, Stu?” he sneered, “I’m not the one with these words on his chest. Enjoy the night, lads!”

 And in a swirl, he charged out of the pub. Stu and John stared at each other, while an icy atmosphere suddenly fell heavily in their small group of friends. Someone made a joke deliberately, and soon afterward, everyone was laughing again; the eye contact between them, however, didn’t break.

 “I apologize,” John said, a nasty scent of bitterness rising in his throat, “he was—”

 “No,” Stu answered, buttoning his shirt absent-mindedly, his eyes suddenly in tears, “no, I understand.”

 His fingertips brushed across these sharply written German, which, roughly translated into English, would be: Shit, Stu, what the fuck, don’t die, don’t—

TBC

[evelynhug0]

my reaction to this juicy fanfic chapter 

okay here we go

this chapter will contain some scenes i really loved and also MORE than that oh my god i am nervous af i feel sick

okay i gotta calm down

fuck ah i am so nervous

i want to cry already

What followed was the happiest time of my life. – i already wanna cry reading this

i am emotional already

She would still help me rehearse my lines after a day on set but now we would do it in bed or on the couch, my head in her lap as she caressed my head. – why are you doing this to me??????? why?????????

we would gravitate around each other like satellites: she was my North Star and I was hers. – help me oh lord

We were shamelessly happy behind our closed doors in our personal safe Heaven. We would kiss without a care until our lips were sore and we greeted the New Year drinking ridiculously expensive champagne and making out in her bathtub. – i want to jump out of the window i swear oh my god i cannot deal with this i cannot deal with this

wear each other’s clothes – bruh… bruh… why….

Evelyn was particularly fond of a forest green cardigan of mine, even if it was a bit tight for her – and we all know why it was a bit tight

(now i have images in my head please help)

I can still see her walking around the house wearing it over her bare skin and lingerie. – why would you do this to me? i want to get so drunk that my brain stops working

GAY SCREAMING TILL MY VOICE STOPS WORKING

I want to kick Don and Ruby

“Yes but not together, of course.” – ouch this hurts

this is unfair

i wish they could have been together publicly (is that how you say it idk)

and if I can’t go with you at my arm, I prefer to go alone. – not me having tears in my eyes

She flashed me one of her shy soft smiles that would turn my knees into butter and reached across the table for my hand. She squeezed it gently. “You know I wish I could go with you so badly…” – you wanna make me cry right? right? because my eyes are filled with tears right now and my heart hurts A LOT i can tell you A LOT 

But please stop doing it. – i am getting a stomach ache when i read this

We are so not done – okay everyone i need more vodka. also i am trying so hard not to cry

this is all so moving

my heart hurts that they have to hide

i think this is why i am on the verge of a breakdown right now

one more thing like this and i will cry my heart out

kissing me as if to prove her point – very good, i like that

“Shit, Evelyn, you almost gave a heart attack” – celia, i feel ya bro

ignore me at Audience Appreciation event. – evelyn, bro, please stop torturing celia and me

please wear something awful so I won’t be tempted to look at you. – hmmm yes good i like this

Evelyn could barely keep her hands off me. – not me going from crybaby to horny baby in a second when reading this

take me to church

The whole time I was aching to look at Evelyn, stunning as usual in her signature green dress – fck fck fck fck fck fck vodka

I pretended to be surprised: “Oh, is she here? I didn’t notice”. – ouch 

my eyes found her – oh lord

Ironically, that’s the only award where both of us were present, although avoiding each other. – this makes me sad again GREAT

Evelyn shook her head at me, amused. – MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!¨¨

i want to puke i am so nervous

here it is… THE sentence… oh lord… vodka

my babies

gay screaming

i want to puke

gosh this makes me wanna cry and scream

any sign of amusement on her face immediately melted away. I’ll never forget her words. – holy shit!!! well i will also never forget them hehe 

gosh my babies

this scene is so fucking adorable i want to jump out of the window i cannot deal with it

noooooo they should have kissed again

the thought of them kissing till their lips almost fall off make me go !!!!!!!!!!!

Her words stayed with me always and pushed me through every step of the way – SIGHHHHHH

omg celia is so anxious that i get anxious too hahahaha

I hate Ari have I mentioned this

gosh i would have thrown up if i was celia

how did she not poop her pants or faint???

aww i feel sorry for Evelyn

I hate Ruby

stupid biatch

she has always been a forgettable actress – haha yes indeed

ruby who?

“You did it! Holy shit, you did it!” – I love Harry & Celia together

my little gays <333333

don’t touch her Ari!!!

Ruby complimented me, coldly and surely against her will – yeah biatch in your face

awww celia, my little baby

i love you

I certainly meant though what I said next. – bro!!!!!

“And to Evelyn Hugo. Thank you.” – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! I LOVE THIS !!!! ICONIC!!!! I LOVE THIS MOMENT!!!! AAAAAAAAAAH SO BEAUTIFUL!!!! I CAN TOTALLY SEE AND HEAR HER SAYING THIS

I AM IN THIS FUCKING OSCAR THINGY TOO MAN I CAN FEEL EVERYTHING IT IS ALL SO “ALIVE”

I wanted Evelyn – not me doing the “evelyn move” when i read this

we all know what is going to happen next

i cannot deal with that

damn

i mean they all know celia is on top of the world especially now that she has won the oscar… but little do they know about the private party she will celebrate afterwards oh lord

i need vodka

i cannot deal with this

Georgia Peach aaaaaaaah

dear lord please help me i don’t want to die now

Celia, with all due respect, you’re not my type. – ahahahahahahaha (but she’s mine)

And there was only one thing I wanted: to be with Evelyn. – screaming crying throwing up

FUCK I AM SO NERVOUS

NO NO NO NO 

OH MY GOD

what i hate is: once i have read it, i will have read it you know??? I WANT THIS KIND OF SCENES FOREVER SO I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A NEW “SURPRISE” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhh

i am dumb

okay here we go

I have places to go too, you know – very gay, love it

heheh i have always wondered how she got in the house but now i know

flashing her a teasing smile – holy mother of god please help me

my heart is beating like crazy

i am feeling like a drug addict i swear

i love this feeling

i want it to never ever stop

She smiled back at me, ecstatic. – hmm i need to open windows it is very warm in here suddenly

THIS TENSION I SWEAR

IT IS KILLING ME

not me being a useless horny bi

She laughed and kissed me, cupping my face. – this is like the best movie ever… i can see everything as if it was a goddamn movie playing in front of me

Evelyn was perfection, it was like studying a Picasso…and she was the woman I loved. – i am having a heart attack

why can’t i feel my legs… is this anxiety or vodka

this tension and this love… i am dying

I was touched and filled with so much love for her. – BRO I WANT TO CRY

IT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN… 

IT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

I NEED TO GET MORE VODKA

I AM NOT READY Y’ALL I AM NOT

OKAY HERE WE GO

 I AM SCREAMING ON THE INSIDE Y’ALL HAVE NO IDEA

i want to vomit

ok now for real

my heart beats like crazy

but i can do it

here we go

BROOOOOOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAAAAAAT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

OH MY GOD

I AM DOING THE EVELYN MOVE

AND IT WAS ONLY A KISS SO FAR

I AM HAVING A STROKE

this tension oh my god i am going to vomit

unzipping my dress, slow and teasing. I knew she was watching me and the mere thought of it turned me on. – HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM HAVING SUCH A STROKE NOW THE STROKIEST OF THE STROKES

f u c k

FCKFCKFCKFCK

I HAVE NO WORDS 

THIS TENSION

GOOD GOD

VODKA

MY HEART BEATS SO FAST

I WILL PUKE

NOT ME SIGHING LIKE CRAZY NOW HAHA

I AM HAVING A STROKE

GOODBYE WORLD

I NEED CHURCH

bro

i need help

therapy

help

my head is exploding

this chapter leaves me wanting more

oh my god

i am blushing like crazy

my face is all red and hot

my head hurts hahaha

i am having a stroke

I AM GOING TO DIE

goodnight

bro

i have no words

my head is empty

holy mother of god

goodbye

[darkling-er]

Hope’s Savior ( John Seed x OC ) | Part 4

Summary: Trinity-Hope Johnson finds herself in the middle of a holy war, leading the Resistance, while having a complicated relationship with one of the cult’s herald. And she thought her first case would be easy. Oh how wrong she was!

Pairings: John Seed/Fem!Deputy, John Seed/OC, Earl Whitehorse & OC ( uncle&niece ), Joseph Seed/Fem!Deputy ( kind of ), might add more later

Warnings: mild language, violence, eventually smut, use of drugs ( bliss and other, thanks to Sharky ), fluff ( does that even need a warning? ), manipulation, angst, mention of mental illness ( insomnia, depression ), mention of child abuse ( from John’s side ), torture, I think that’s it? I swear it’s not so bad!

Word Counter: 3568

Notes: Taking back Fall’s End, Hope finally gets the attention of John Seed. I’m really having fun with this series, hope you guys like it as well. Comments are well appreciated! ♥

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 |  Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | MASTERPOST for the others

The car is parked off the road, so it can’t be spotted from the town. Hope is crouching in the tall grass, looking through her binoculars.

“There’s one guy on the roof of the right, and one guy on the roof of the left side.” She says quietly, zooming in as far as the binocular lets her.

She sees a woman, roped up and held by a cultist:

“There is a man helding a hostage in front of the bar. Two guys are behind them, next to a truck.”

“That must be Mary May. She’s the owner of the Spread Eagle.” Adam says quietly next to her, he’s crouching as well.

Boomer waits for his owner to give him any commands, while wagging his tail.

“I can’t see if there’s anyone behind the fuel truck. Might be. You should go for the left, stay hidden and check behind the back. Wait for my signal. I’m gonna climb that ladder to the roof on the right. Take out the guy quietly.”

Adam looks at her as she puts away her binoculars. He looks at her with doubt in his eyes. She’s annoyed a bit, she doesn’t want to waste any time.

“What?” She asks, not being patient at all.

He doesn’t seem to take it to heart, though. His voice is still low, they don’t want any unwanted attention.

“You sure about this? What if things go south?”

She shrugs and starts walking slowly to the building on the right, staying hidden.

“Well, then we go plan B. Shoot the fuel truck, if necessary. That’s going to be loud though, so try to avoid plan B... Take Boomer with you.”

The dog looks at his owner and she points to Adam and tells him to follow the man.

“Shoudn’t you take him?” She rolls her eyes at the man’s question.

“Where? To the roof?”

“Smartass.” He scoffs and waves to Boomer to follow him on the left side of town.

“Dumbass.” She says back, while he can still hear her.

She moves behind one of the buildings and turns into an alley. She corners a dumpster as she starts climbing the blue ladder on the red painted building.

Adam must be doing alright as well, considering there’s no gunfire or shouting yet. The only noise she can hear other than the cultist’s conversations is John Seed’s preaching over a radio. Great, the dude’s speaking everywhere in this valley. Must like his own voice.

Hope slowly approaches the cultist from behind when she’s on top of the roof. She snaps the man’s neck and quickly drags his body with her behind the cover. She checks his pockets, looking for anything useful, then takes out her binocular, looking at the direction of the church.

“Shit...” She mutters as she spots five other peggies there, and another hostage. She looks for Boomer or Adam, but finds no one. Hope knows she can’t radio him, that might give away both of their position, so she hopes the man will manage on his own.

She takes her rifle from her shoulder and through her scope she aims at the man on the roof opposite of her. Taking a deep breath, holding it, aiming at the cultist’s head she pulls the trigger. The peggie drops dead silently as the bullet goes right through his head. The deputy waits a second if the shot triggered any of the other cultists, even with the silencer on. Thankfully that’s not the case.

She hears as a man approaches on her right and she fears he might want to climb the ladder. She quickly reloads and aims at a man in the alley between the bar and a garage building. She shoots him in the head and fast the man next to Mary May follows dead on the ground.

Hope swings the rifle over her shoulder again as she looks down from the roof. A cultist is right below her, singing to himself along with the radio. She thinks for a moment and then drops down, jumping on the enemy, taking him out skillfully. God, this might have looked cool. Did it look cool, just like in the movies? Where’s a camera when you need one?

She looks at the shirtless man next to the fuel trunk. Another one is with him. Is everyone being half naked in this cult, or what? She readies her rifle again, when an arrow hits the man’s head and the other next to him. She looks at the direction where the arrow came from and smiles at Adam. He nods at her, when a guy from the direction of the church shouts:

“We got some sinners!”

Seriously?! Adam turns around and she moves around the fuel truck and changes her weapon to the pistol on her hips. She fires a few shots, which land right in the man’s chest. Another readies to execute the other hostage, but Boomer grabs the cultist’s arm, biting it hard, while Adam puts them out of their misery with an arrow through the head.

They don’t fire the last remainging cultist soon enough as the hostage screams:

“They’ve called in air support, take cover!” Adam frees the man, as Hope runs up to the woman on the ground and tears her ropes down, grabbing and taking her into the open garage building as a plane flies over above them. Hope starts climbing up the ladder in the building. She saw a mounted gun up there so she has a bright - or bold and stupid - idea how to take out the plane.

“That pilot is a Chosen, one of the cult’s best soldiers. If we don’t take care of that plane we’re done for.” The priests says from far, but his voice can be still heard.

She takes the mounted gun in her hands and aims it at the plane that is now taking a turn in the air, flying right in her direction. I’m gonna die, i’m gonna die, i’m gonna dieeee!

Hope starts shooting where she guesses the pilot must be sitting and starts screaming with full effort, though it doesn’t exactly help her in the shooting, it feels good. Just as bullets start flying in her way it stops, when she hits the Chosen.

“Wooooo-hoooo! Take that, bitch! Hahahaha!” She starts jumping up and down with a rush of adrenalin in her veins. The plane crashes just outside of the cemetery of the church.

“Well... That was fun!” She laughs happily as she steps away from the mounted gun.

She takes the radio from her belt and sets the frequency on the open line, that she uses to reach the Resistance. She pushes down the button to start to talk as she cheerily states:

“Guess who just took back Fall’s End. Also... took out a Chosen, no need to thank me, really... Just get your asses over here, we have the town back!” She laughs and puts back her radio.

Hope steps into the Spread Eagle, an “Opening Soon” bringing a smile to her lips. Townfolks are already back and Adam is already inside, probably with the plan to drink something strong. While she just wants to sit back for a while, maybe get something to bite.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain.” She hears a man speaking as the chef from the kitchen window nods to her and she returns the gesture.

Adam is sitting on a bar stool, waiting for someone to serve him. Boomer is sitting right by his leg and wagging his tail as the Deputy approaches. She pets the dogs head as she looks around the place. Quite a cosy place and with some preperation it will be the best place for the Resistance to hang out and get drunk.

“’For I know the plans that I made for you’ declared the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.’”

Hope approaches the man, a priest as she can figure out by his talk and clothes. Other than the bulletproof vest he looks exactly like the usual churches’ man back in Missoula. The man chuckles when he sees the deputy and gives her a warm hug and lets her go. She smiles back at him.

“I don’t claim to know God’s plans, but I know a good thing when I see it. You’re getting quite the reputation, Deputy. You’re the first good thing to happen to this Valley, in a long time.”

Adam scoff from his seat, not even looking at the two of them as he scratches behind Boomer’s ears.

“You did good too, Adam. We are sooo happy to see you here.”

The pastor looks at his way with a shake of his head, but with a soft smile on his face:

“See you met with Mr. Roberts, too. Good, maybe you can make some sense into him, you could both use each other’s help, I’m sure of it.”

Hope smiles at the man, already liking him, though she always thought the men of the Lord are creepy: great example Joseph Seed.

“A little help?” Comes the voice of the owner of the bar, Mary May. She has stacks of crates in her hands.

The priest rushes to her to help:

“Are you trying to break your neck?” He takes some crates from the woman’s hands.

“Seemed like a good idea at the time...Thanks.”

Hope comes up to her and takes a box into her hands as well, scaring the blonde a bit.

“Oh shit.. it’s you. Sorry, didn’t realize.”

They walk to the bar stool, as Mary May greets Adam:

“We’re not even open yet and you’re already here, trying to get a drink. Why am I not surprised?” Her voice is teasing and she seems happy to see the man.

“You’re welcome for saving your neck.” He retorts.

“All you’ve done might as well add mover to the list, huh?” She turns back to Hope as they all put the boxes on the counter. She just now looks what’s in the boxes: alcohol. Obviously...

“I thought that Eden’s Gate confiscated all this.”

The lights turn on, making the place brighter a bit. The woman looks offended a bit.

“The hell kinda Fairgrave would I be if I didn’t have a hidden stash?... Learned from the best.”

Hope looks at the picture in front of her, but doesn’t ask questions about it. It’s not her place and the man on the picture is probably her father. The deputy has her own story about her parents and knows when to not ask questions. Mght tear up some wounds.

“This town... it’s been through a lot, Deputy. We owe you thanks, but...”

He can’t finish as Mary May interrupts his words:

“I know you’re looking for your people. But the truth is, you ain’t the only one in need of help.” Ouch, harsh! “Pastor and I can only do so much...”

The man speaks again, getting some drink ready for all of them.

“If you can see about lending a hand, we’ll be sure to return the favor.” He hands her the cup and they all raise them up. “Whaddya say?”

They clink their glasses together, but she doesn’t take a sip from it, while everyone else drinks.

“Sorry, I don’t drink.”

Adam looks at her in disbelief:

“We’ll never be friends.”

They all laugh at that, and although the deputy hoped she will get some help from the townsfolk to free Deputy Hudson, she’s still glad that at least they’re all friendly.

After talking to Mary May a bit, getting a mission from her which Hope didn’t want to say she’ll probably do much much later. Considering there are still some calls out there, which she got from Dutch, folks needig help. Getting a truck back isn’t her priority.

She steps into the church which looks like all hell went through it. Considering the cultist love God, this is just disrespectful. It looks more like a shelter of some kind than a place where people gather on Sundays. Pastor Jerome is sitting on a chair before the pulpit, Bible in hand. The real bible, not the one that was made up from Joseph Seed’s mind. He looks up as Hope enters the church.

She sits in one of the seats in the front row, her elbows resting at the bench in front of her. It’s not exactly a praying form, but it’s as close as she gets to it.

“I give thanks to the Lord every day for bringing you and I together. I’m glad you’re looking to do more here. We need you.” The man breaks the silence and she gives him a small smile.

It feels so strange. A couple of days back she was just the junior deputy of the sheriff’s station. Merely just a kid, learning how to do this adult life. She’s only 21 years old, and here she is, being a leader of a Resistance against a cult. Sounds like a far fetched plot of a tv show.

Does it feel good? Being of help to the people? Yes, it does. A little. But it’s also stressful. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. Going with the flow, and hoping for the best, mostly. She doesn’t have instructions of what to do and how to do it. And there’s the thing: how does she know where do draw a line? Where does being helpful ends and becoming a murderer begins.

“Something’s troubling you.” The Pastor says with kind eyes. It’s a half question, half statement. Hope sighs with a small smile.

“I was just wondering if there’s something I could help you with right now.”

It’s not a lie, she did come into the church to ask Jerome about this. The man senses there’s something else that might be going on in the deputy’s head, but he doesn’t pushes her on that matter.

“As you can see, John Seed’s making a lot of people suffer right now and quite frankly, I can’t keep up. These people need me. They’re my responsibility now. But that just means keeping tabs on the Resistance has been that much harder. When you get a chance, head out east and check on our people on Woodson pig farm. I haven’t heard back from them in a couple of days and that worries me. We can’t afford to lose a single one of our fighters. ”

They left Boomer in Fall’s End when they started their way to the Woodson Pig Farm. The night sky looks beautiful as Hope looks out the car’s window. She looks to the field, near Fall’s End when she spots a red painted structure with a peggie symbol on it.

“Hey, Adam! What is that?” She points out to the field. The man looks there with a huff:

“That’s a silo. They fill it with drugs and fertilizer, so they can poison our fields. Heard rumors that it costs a lot for John Seed.”

She has a devilish smile on her face:

“Oooooh does it now? Why don’t we take a closer look then?” She says as she picks up a remote explosive out of her bag.

He returns her smile and drives into the field, bringing them closer to the red tank.

It only takes one remote explosive and the peggie symbol quickly dissapears into nothing, with a loud boom and a loud laughter. She’s enjoying blowing up things a bit too much, but God, does it feel so good.

“I know a guy who would love your attitude towards blowing this up, back in the Henbane.”

She laughs, and watches the leftover of the silo burning up.

“Yeah? I’ll pay him a visit after we checked out the pig farm.”

He nods and starts walking toward the bushes a bit far away with a ‘i have to piss’, while she starts walking back to the truck. It’s so peaceful out here. Thinking there’s a Holy War going on... Crazy, right?

She almost gets a heart attack, when her radio crackles to life and an already all too familiar voice starts speaking to her:

“Sin is pervasive. It drives us to do unspeakable acts. I know the feelings that drive you... I know them,...intimately. But I can help you, Deputy.” She frowns at John Seed’s voice and the way he pronounces ‘Dep-you-tee’ makes her want to laugh and shiver at the same time. “I can wash away these sins. I can cleanse your soul. It will be difficult and it will be painful, but... it will be worth it. My people will come for you. They will bring you to me. Don’t fight it. Because the harder you resist, well... the harder we’ll have to scrub your soul”

The way the man rolls his words, it’s so clear that he’s a lawyer. Like he’s trying to impress her just with his words. Just as in the commercial. How did he know on what frequency to talk to me... Did he call every radio channel, hoping one of them was mine? She starts laughing at that, but Dutch’s worried voice makes her stop.

“Holy shit kid, you’ve pissed in John’s cornflakes. He’s going to be throwing all he’s got after you. So keep your head on a swivel.”

She stands on the field, looking at her radio. What did John mean he knew her sin. What sin? What did he mean by knowing her sin ‘intimately’. This guy ate too much drama queen for breakfast, he needs to chill.

“Who called?” Adam comes up behind her, zipping up his pants and walking towards the car.

“John Seed.” She says and Adam almost drops his car keyes. He looks at her questioningly and a bit worried:

“What did he say?”

She messes with her hair, getting it out of the way of her view. She could use a haircut, really.

“Something about knowing my sin. That he wants to ‘cleanse my soul’. That his people will come for me and the last part was totally some reference to torture I think that sums it up.”

She doesn’t exactly care about this. After all she heard the rumors about John Seed always trying to make people confess to him, talking about their sins. What does surprise her is that Adam almost tears the car door open, looking at the sky and around them as a paranoid.

“Get in the car, now!”

“Wha... Why? What’s the hurry? You said it yourself he didn’t come for you either.” But she does get in the car with him and he starts speeding so fast she’s sure they will have a car accident. “Slow down, what’s the problem? He’s all talk...”

“No, Dep! He just Marked you...”

“He did what now?”

The car takes a quick turn and she sees lights behind them appearing. She looks out the window seeing three peggie trucks following them.

“Marked you. That’s what he does. Marking, cleansing, confession and atonement. Four of his fucked up steps to make you one of the cult.” He explains as he tries to get rid of the peggies behind them.

Hope gets ready her AR-C to shoot the men behind them. She does remember the note below John’s picture in Dutch’s bunker. But this doesn’t make sense...

“Why would they want me to join the fucking cult? I tried to arrest their all-so-holy Father. HE said that no one was coming to save me, and that I was the snake in his garden. None of those sound like an invitation card to me.”

She takes out one of the drivers in one of the trucks behind them. They are shouting about something of a “bliss bullet”.

“Well how should I know what goes in the minds of the Seeds?! I just know if you’re marked, you’re fucked!”

“Well thanks, genius...” Hope shouts back as a bullet hits her lower arm. She leans back in the car, examining the wound. “Whoa... what the...”

White stars appear in fron of her eyes and evertyhing seems like she’s under water. She hears Adam speaking next to her, but she can’t quite make out the words.

And then all of a sudden she feels like she’s weightless, like she’s flying. It feels nice, peaceful. Even as their car lands in the river.

She’s laying on her back. White sparks in front of her view. She reaches for them, wants to catch them all. Smiling to herself, how she might be a star in the sky and now her purpose is to catch her star family. Voices can be heard, but she already starts slipping back to unconciousness:

“This one?” Someone points at Adam on the ground. Is he a white star too?

“No. This one.” One of the giants say. They are ugly.

“Don’t seem very worthy.” Giants can’t judge stars like that. I might be small but I’m shiny.

“It is not for us to judge. Deliver them unto the waters. The Cleansing begins tonight.” This giant sounds a lot more smarter then the other one. They want to clean her, that’s a good idea. She can’t catch her shiny white family of stars until she’s clean as well. She wants to be clean... She wants to... sleep.

A/N: Hope is weird when she’s high on the Bliss. Haha

Tags: @onl-you

[purplesurveys]

1174

survey by painted-skylines

How often do you use lotion? Eh, almost never. I don’t use a lot of products to begin with.

Do you know anyone in college? What are they studying? I have a lot of friends who are in college since I met them precisely while I was still studying. Most of them are also journalism students; Angela’s taking up architecture.

Do you have a laptop for school? Yeah - I mean, at least I did.

Have you ever in your life had a bunkbed? No. I only ever saw those whenever I had overnight sessions with friends.

Have you ever been to any form of summer camp? Nope, and that wouldn’t have been something my mom would’ve allowed me to attend as a kid. Too unsafe.

Did you hook up with anyone? Like, recently? No. Ever? Also no.

Have you ever hooked up with anyone? Nope.

Do braces make people ugly? No???

Aren't these questions pretty mundane? The last three ones were, but I’m not super annoyed yet.

Are you better at showing love, or professing it? I want to say both. When I love someone, I make sure I remind them through words and actions.

Waffles or pancakes? Waffles. Even though they taste the same, a part of me has always thought they go much better with bacon or fried chicken.

Were you in Girl Scouts when you were a little girl? No, we don’t have that here.

Have you ever been to a church concert? Kinda, I guess. When I was still in Catholic school we’d occasionally have events where we had to sing these worship songs and dance to them and whatever it is they made us do.

Do you have anything signed by a celebrity? I have a signed AJ Lee poster rolled up somewhere in my room.

Name something of yours that holds sentimental value. My CM Punk shirt that I am neeeeeeever going to throw out no matter what happens.

Have you ever been in a cave? Yes, I’ve been to a few. The most memorable one would be the one in Palawan.

What can you see out your bedroom window? I’m not in my bedroom right now, but the view I get if I look out are just the houses behind us, along with a few trees as well as a pathway that separates our house from those on the other side.

Have you ever climbed a rock-wall? No. I would love to.

Wall-E or Eva? I’ve never seen the movie.

Have you ever chased after someone that really wasn't worth it? Yes.

What makes someone worth it, anyway? I dunno; I suppose the meaning changes per person. What’s important to me may not be someone else’s priority.

Would you ever wanna go caving? Sure.

Do you use an eyelash curler? No, I am terrified of those and the idea of accidentally hitting my eyeball D:

You walk in on your bestfriend making out with your ex. What now? Make fun of her for it in the years to come. And also demand why she’s cheating.

Have you ever had a macaron? OMG hahahaha I’m literally eating a whole plate of them right now! I got a cake topped with 12 macarons for my birthday last Wednesday, but I saved all the macarons for tonight so I can have a nice Friday evening. Here’s what my cake looked like, heehee:

Have you ever been on stumbleupon.com? I’ve heard of the site, and I heard a lot of it from like the late 2000s but I never visited.

What about angryalien.com? Never heard of it.

Have you ever actually met anyone named ''Bob''? I don’t think so.

First & middle name together; Robyn Isabelle.

If you had a $50 giftcard for Hallmark, what would you buy there? I’m not too sure what they sell there, so I’ll probably just give it to my mom who’s more likely to find things that she’d want to get.

When you get a box of chocolates, how long does it last? I wanna I guess. I’m not too big on chocolate.

Would you ever visit a nude beach? Once, just to tick it off my life experiences.

Do you remember Veggie Tails? You mean VeggieTales? Sure, but I never watched it.

How many cheap elastic bracelets do you own? Zero.

Do you ever make hemp jewelry? No, I don’t.

Have you ever had feelings for someone, and wished you didn't? Sure, I’ve been through this a few times.

Have you ever witnessed a real fight? Yessss, the one time I saw these two drunk dudes go at each other at BGC last year immediately comes to mind. It went on for like an hour and even the police eventually got involved, but I was just happy to be there watching hahahaha

Do you have any beanbags? What do they look like? Not anymore, but we did use to have a beanbag chair at home.It was a very long time ago so I no longer remember what color it was.

Maybe a LoveSac? What’s that?

What's your favorite kind of cake? Cheesecake.

Have you ever tried any form of tofu? Yes. It’s delicious, especially fried tofu.

Do you like Bloc Party? I don’t know what that is.

Have you ever watched 24? Never did.

Have you heard A Fine Frenzy's new album yet? It's pretty good. I’ve never heard of them.

Have you ever broken up with someone to regret it later? Nope.

What are you eating for dinner tonight? My dad got a little creative and made his own dish that was composed of beef tapa, squidballs, broccoli, and bell pepper. I don’t like tapa though so I only got portions of the last three.

Are you gonna go see fireworks on the 4th? I don’t care for that.

Are you more excited or nervous for school in August? I’m no longer in school.

Do you even go back in August? I did, back in college.

Name every single color you're wearing; (: Red, white, scarlet.

Katt Williams, Russell Brand, David Spade, Adam Sandler, or Dane Cook? None. This survey is so dull...

If you watched American Idol this year; Are you glad Lee won? No, because the runner-up, Crystal, deserved it more. This was also about the time AI started picking guitar-playing white men to win every single season, which was why the show steadily got increasingly boring.

Wasn't Krystal kind of way better? THERE WE GO.

Do you miss Jason Castro, like me? He was nice but nothing exciting.

Well, what are you gonna go do now? Pick a more exciting survey to take.

Wait - Do you like Teddy Geiger? (: No.

Oh, and have you ever flirted with a gay guy you didn't know was gay? :o No.

[sending-the-message]

My synesthetic Korean friend tried the elevator game [PART 1] by igottagat

Hi all, I’m Angus, and it’s my first time posting on Reddit. Hope I'm doing it right. I have a crazy story to tell and I feel nosleep is the best place for it.

This isn't actually something that happened to me. I have this friend over in Korea who I met through- of all things- the comments on an article on lifehacking. He’s called Kim Sijin and he’s got a pretty voracious mind as well as incredible English, plus he’s synesthetic which makes him...fun...to talk to. Do you know synaesthesia? No worries if you don’t.

I live in Shanghai and Sijin is a bit of a low-key Sinophile, so generally the idea is I share bizarre China stories in exchange for updates on his exploits in Seoul.

We like to keep our messages long and infrequent, and a little stilted. Kind of in the Victorian tradition, you know.

What’s coming below is amalgamation of several very emotional messages Sijin sent me following the loss of his closest friend, Han-Jae. I merged some messages and fixed up his typos. As you’ll see while reading, I kind of just took a backseat as he broke open his proverbial dam and unloaded. A wise choice, I think.

Sijin gave me full permission to share this story. By the end you will see why.

It's not a short tale, so I will follow this first post up with a Part 2 and so on.

Make of it all what you will.

SIJIN

I like to spy on people.

ANGUS

That’s new to me.

SIJIN

Yeah, I didn’t tell you? I peer through their webcams. Actually it’s not even about the people. It’s about the places. So many of these windows into the world exist, and it’s very easy to open them.

Modern webcams have IP addresses. That’s why they are called webcams. They are connected to the internet, which is a public, open network before you strap logins and paywalls onto it. Most webcams, however, are intended for private use, usually as CCTV. They only use the internet as a convenient networking mechanism. So, as they ought to, webcam manufacturers fit their network cameras with username and password logins, to keep out strangers. All well and good. But many of those manufacturers fit their cameras with default logins, and default passwords. This brings out a human flaw in the system, because when it comes to certain parts of their lives, even the most hardworking people are very lazy.

The branch manager of a budget hotel franchise. The security officer of a countryside engineering college. The granny in charge of a noodle shop for grannies. An uptight father who wants household ‘security’. All of these will usually not think or bother to alter the default username and password of their cameras. And so, someone like me- or you, Angus- can get in. The ‘hack’ involves dropping keywords into Google that turn up the camera control panels. Click the link, enter a default factory login, and presto, you have opened a gateway to another place on earth.

What you can see through the gateways is mostly very dull, but the scope of it all is incredible. All these portals puncturing the mundane. And the mundane is, I think, quite otherworldly. You realise quickly that most of the human world is made of empty spaces. Restaurants. Swimming pools. Offices. Lobbies. Cupboards. Car parks. Long, well lit hallways. While you are huddled with your friends, family, or co-workers on the bus, at home, or at the computer, you forget that all the other places where you spend your life are queer abandoned zones which turn pitch black at night, unless someone is there to switch on the lights.

The videos can only really hold your interest if you are watching life in motion. Anglican Church services in England. Family barbeques in France. City centres in Africa rammed with cars. Silent pet shops in rural America. Up close you see a lot of conversations but you don’t hear the words. Even my synaesthesia isn’t much help here.

ANGUS

Don’t you feel very detached when you’re watching? And then eventually, just, bored?

SIJIN

Yes, but. Sometimes no.

There was one vision early on that stuck with me. I saw a granny in Hokkaido, not so far across the sea, staring into a mirror with a bitter red frame and a shelf that was decorated with pictures and jewels. She was dressed for the cold and her hair was short and boyish. I was looking straight down on her. There was no obvious emotion on her face, but she seemed at peace. I wanted to know what she was thinking about. I wanted to know who she was and if she would sit there all day, and why there was a CCTV camera in her living room.

ANGUS

Shouldn’t that have been the point where you stopped?

SIJIN

Han-Jae said the same. Maybe because that last description is so intimate. ‘Intimate’ turns into ‘wrong’ so quickly, don’t you think? I spoke about that granny with affection she never asked for, nor even knew about. There’s something intuitively wrong about imposing your feelings onto strangers in such a way. Han-Jae pointed this out, quite rightly. I said yes, I would stop, but only after I saw something awful. Eventually, of course, I did.

Other friends and even family have said I pay too much heed to Han-Jae. They say I should take care not to appear to be involved in some kind of boy love thing with him. Well to them I’d say they only cry ‘boy love’ because they do not understand our friendship, because our friendship is not normal, or traditional. I’ve never claimed to be a normal Korean boy, nor do I ever wish to be. Han-Jae feels the same, though he would never say as much.

That’s one reason I like sharing all this with you. You’re outside this society. You don’t judge.

Han-Jae and I are both synaesthesiacs. (That’s the wrong word in English but I happen to like it.) We don’t fit. Actually, no. He has always fit. I am the real freak.

Even my synaesthesia runs counter to Korean thinking. Everything ‘good’ is to my eyes, red. Red for we Koreans is not exactly a death colour, but it means nothing good. For me, death is signified by the smell of copper, and red is everything beautiful. Like chocolate bars: dark chocolate bars are a solid block of rich crimson. Milk chocolate is lovely traffic light red. White chocolate is pastel red, like you’d find in a kindergarten. When I talk about the red things I see Han-Jae talks back at me using the name ‘Jinshi’, which is what my given name ‘Sijin’ sounds like when you render it in Chinese. Did I mention that before?

ANGUS

No. But that’s fascinating. Is that Jin like ‘gold’? 金?

SIJIN

Yeah, I think so. But I’m not a Chinese master. Most Koreans these days don’t know much about it.

Han-Jae went to the effort of converting the name because the Chinese have the same ideas about red, of course. They think red is good. I think red is good. So I must be Chinese. So I must be Chinese Jinshi, not Korean Sijin. Han-Jae’s sense of humour. Don’t let the formidable grades and the sharp mind fool you– deep down, he’s a pretty simple-minded guy.

ANGUS

Oh no, haha. I’d noticed that. 厉害.

SIJIN

What?

ANGUS

‘Awesome’. Just testing.

SIJIN

Oh. Anyway, I’m not done talking about myself.

Computer code doesn’t have a colour. But, most coding interfaces colour different tags, commands and formats in specific colours in order to help we programmers interpret the huge walls of text that code presents to us. This is kind of an artificial synaesthesia. As you can probably guess, I need no such aid. Every block of code I see is a separation of the spectrum. Dozens of shades burst out at me, and for each one there is a specific meaning that comes to me immediately. I never had to deliberately create this system or memorise how it works. The connection between each colour and each command is just as obvious to me as the fact that water is wet to you.

Now on to Han-Jae. You may find his ‘power’ a little less boring than mine.

Really, he is an asshole. His synaesthesia reflects the problems in his personality. If something is boring to him, or too easy, or just difficult in the sense of being beyond his skillset, then it will seem further away. To understand how his vision is organised, you really have to understand his own internal logic. I do. I am one of few.

Han-Jae tells me that his favourite movies have a lot of extra depth and tone. Shitty movies will look muddy and flat regardless of their original colour palette, so under his discerning gaze you really cannot polish a turd. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a good example. From a technical standpoint, it’s a movie with visual depth, a wide tonal range, and a painfully vibrant colour palette. But from a critical perspective, Han-Jae and I agree the movie is a fucking disaster. Therefore, to Han-Jae, the film’s visual frantic energy literally vanishes– he says it looks a ‘greasy sepia Western, recorded on rotten, wobbly film paper’.

If you play music to Han-Jae, the notes float past his face. If you feed him waffles and a BLT, he will see the heat, texture, and flavour of the food flash around the room. He has a calendar and abacus that he can generate any time he likes, and then use to outthink you using only his eyeballs. He once correctly measured the speed of a friend’s electric bicycle down to one decimal point just by watching it pass him by. He sees the colour of people’s emotions, flushed around their face, and he uses this to charm girls. What I am trying to say is that Han-Jae is a real bastard.

ANGUS

Hahahaha!

SIJIN

I don’t get many dates. Han-Jae does. Blah blah blah. You’ve heard all this moaning before.

So anyway my point is that with Han-Jae I do things beyond the usual juvenile playtime. You remember the time Han-Jae and I went looking for ‘ghosts’? I never quite said we were really looking for ‘holes’. Localised instances where the logic of the world- physics maybe- is no longer consistent. If you ever exploited a bug in a video game for fun or to cheat, you can grasp this. Think of any time you had déjà vu. You deeply, deeply felt you were reliving a moment you have not yet lived. In other words it is some form of time travel. Whether the form is true or simulated, and whether déjà vu occurs in the mind or somewhere else...these are beside the point. The point is that déjà vu breaks the rules of everyday existence.

Imagine the introducing the concept of saving to disk and digital rewriting to, say, an Imperial Japanese typist working in Seoul during the occupation period. In fact, imagine you told a medieval European typist that you could duplicate a hundred copies of his Bible in the blink of an eye. To each typist it would seem that you have broken some rule of the universe and opened up an exploit.

ANGUS

Hacking.

SIJIN

Of a kind.

Synaesthesia is arguably one such ‘hole’. Look at how easily Han-Jae and I breezed through the Korean education system. We process text, figures, and diagrams faster than normal people. We can read novels, music, and the emotions on an immediately deeper level than anyone bar the experts. We are incredibly well organised, and as such have extra time and energy to spend chasing after world-hacks.

Maybe you recall some of our attempts. The first thing we tried was to hack our own vision by instigating voluntary hallucinations. This proved a total failure. Next we tried the occult. As in, summoning demons. Remember that? Total failure again. Next we tried local legends. I never told you this part. It’s cool. There’s supposed to be a restless fox girl who swims underwater in a canal just a few kilometres from our residential district. There’s a rather convoluted backstory: it involves UN soldiers, a Communist cell, a nuclear waste barrel, and an old medicine man. You can imagine. It was a good excuse to explore the streets at least, and I liked getting a feel for the local history (Han-Jae didn’t– he’s smart as hell but there isn’t an intellectual bone in his body), but of course we saw no canal ghost.

Han-Jae and I talked pretty seriously about whether to give up or whether to press on. We decided, mostly thanks to my line of argument, that we would press ahead, but with a narrower focus. We had to hone in on real exploits. No more kids’ games. Together we once researched something really interesting: in a country called Scotland there is a place called the Electric Brae. It distorts perspective so that objects appear to roll uphill when left to rest. That sort of thing would be our target. Glitches that call the world’s fabric into question.

I warned that this might require travel, but Han-Jae believed quite firmly that if any country could provide, it would be South Korea. When I chided him for this warped version of patriotism he conceded that Japan might also be a candidate. I had to agree. It’s a pretty weird place. The strange thing is...Han-Jae was right. After a few wasted days of searching the Korean-language internet, we found something on a dead forum. I'll paste in an English translation. It is the instructions for something called The Elevator Game. Brace yourself...